#soulmate goose of enforcement

[ironmandeficiency]

stupid goose

pairing: fíli / hobbit!reader

word count: 2953

summary: a goose followed fili into erebor and refused to leave

a/n: this has taken over my brain

no one knew where that damn demon bird came from. all anyone knew is that when fíli returned from the markets of dale one day, he was trailed by a goose. this goose demanded in very angry honks to be let into erebor right behind the golden prince, and despite every attempt made to shoo the thing outside, the goose remained.

it honked during council meetings, entertained some of the young pebbles that had returned to erebor with their families, and generally caused a disturbance everywhere it waddled. fíli took to naming his new pet trøbbel, and he grew to appreciate the feathered chaos harbinger.

thorin couldn’t stand the damn thing. it would flap and honk and nip at him at the most odd times, namely when he was scolding his nephews. the king under the mountain was halfway convinced that fíli trained it to behave so.

the days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and trøbbel stuck around through it all. he was a common companion, and a very proper one indeed. eventually he learned some semblance of patience; the standard amount of patience in geese was alarmingly similar to the patience of dwarves.

trøbbel definitely lived up to his name, so much so that when bilbo sent word that he was planning a springtime visit to the mountain in a few months’ time, multiple correspondents thought it fit to warn their burglar about the newest addition.

“dear bilbo,

the company is delighted to hear of your pending visit to the mountain! many things have changed for the better since uncle was crowned king (not his temper, unfortunately for us all). everyone is looking forward to seeing you again, though i do carry a warning with this letter.

you see, a few months ago i involuntarily acquired a wild goose as a companion. he made himself known to me after leaving dale one afternoon and rather violently refused to be parted from my side.

this goose is a mighty beast that honks and bites diplomats (dwalin never loved him more than when he nipped at thranduil upon first glance of the elf) and steals food from the plates of those not paying attention. i warn you because trøbbel is very suspicious of new people, and i don’t want you falling victim to his wiles if he finds that you don’t have snacks for him upon arrival.

see you soon,

prince fíli”

bilbo was baffled. he was confuddled, stupefied even. how in yavanna’s green gardens fíli ended up with a goose was beyond his reckoning. the last time he heard of a goose forcing its way into someone’s life in this manner was being told the story of how his parents met when he was a wee fauntling.

it was a somewhat rare phenomenon among hobbits to be found by a goose in such a way. they were said to guide hobbits to their soulmates, the other half of their soul as created by lady yavanna. the goddess had to create an animal stubborn enough to aid her hobbit children in finding their soulmates, one that could easily navigate the hills and rivers of their lands, and the goose was her solution.

even though erebor was no west farthing, bilbo could imagine that any goose worth its tail feathers would find a way to survive in the lonely mountain. and, based on the letter he just read, one has.

taking into consideration the thing’s audacity, that bird of fíli’s is definitely a soulmate goose, and a right bugger at that.

the first thing he now had to do was inform fortinbras of this development. as thain and cousin, bilbo was sure that he could find some sound advice there.

now, if bilbo could figure out how to explain that fíli has a hobbit for a soulmate without putting thorin and balin into their deathbeds, that would be just peachy.

“HONK! HONK HONK!”

“i cannot believe you, tansy!”

“HONK!”

“yeah you better run, you wretched thing!”

tansy the goose had to be the biggest pain in the backside you’ve ever met, and that’s saying something considering the run-ins you’ve had with the bracegirdles.

she followed you to the markets, when you went on walks among the meadows and fields, and even snuck into the washroom to be there when you bathed. in your opinion, it was all a bit too much.

your tansy gave the wizard gandalf a run for his money when it came to disturbing the peace. on days you went to the market, she would follow you and honk all the way at passersby and intimidate them off the dirt path you were on.

she also picked up a very peculiar habit of trying to (and sometimes succeeding to) snag fine jewelry from the booths of dwarrow traveling through from the blue mountains. every time you would turn and see a shiny glint of silver or gold hanging from her beak, your heart would drop to your feet in fear. thus far, the merchants you’ve encountered were very understanding of your feathery thief and harbored no ill will against you as you returned their wares to the tune of an angry goose.

while those situations were mortifying and anxiety-inducing, you’ve reached the end of your rope today. tansy has committed a grievous sin by brutalizing your blackberry patch to the point of there being almost nothing left worth eating and you’ve had it up to your ears with her.

you chased her with a wooden spoon as you ranted about her foul deed and resolved to talk to someone about what to do about tansy the chaos goose. maybe the thain would have some advice?

“uncle! we’ve got a reply from bilbo!” kíli waved the letter in the air excitedly as he barged into his uncle’s chambers.

fíli follows kíli in, rolling his eyes as he snatches the parchment from his brother’s hand. “no, i got a reply from bilbo.”

the golden prince makes no mention of the second page bilbo wrote to him with explicit instructions to keep it to himself. that morsel of information was for him and him alone - well, for him and trøbbel, of course.

“hurry up and read it!”

“i would if you’d stop flapping about like trøbbel!”

in response to being compared to kíli (or maybe just hearing his name), trøbbel honked indignantly.

“dearest fíli,

it pleases me greatly to know that erebor is flourishing under your uncle’s rule. i am most excited to see you all again, especially in the comforts of your home.

while i thank you for your warning, i have some news of my own to share. there will be a hobbitess accompanying me on my trip-“

thorin cut off his nephew, his bright mood upon receiving bilbo’s correspondence immediately clouding over. “he’s bringing a hobbit lass?” the king’s thoughts immediately sour with thoughts of his burglar introducing the company to a spouse wooed by his tales of adventure.

both brothers caught the sudden wave of melancholy that surged through their uncle. his feelings for bilbo were a poorly-kept secret among the company, but there were none who had the courage to call attention to it.

“you’re almost as bad as kee with interrupting me,” fíli chastised before clearing his throat to continue.

“-there will be a hobbitess accompanying me on my trip that shares in your feathered predicament. with the description you gave me of your trøbbel, i’d bet all of my fourteenth share that he’d get along swimmingly with her tansy. she’s a menace, that one.”

“see uncle, you can remove that frown! bilbo isn’t courting anyone back in the shire!” kíli interjected with a small smile and an elbow nudge, hoping to goad thorin back into a good mood.

fíli sighed the sigh of a long-suffering older brother. “this is exactly what i mean when i talk about you interrupting me, kee!”

“but he was sad!”

“and i’m annoyed!”

“boys!”

one word put the squabbling siblings back in line.

“sorry, uncle.”

“do continue, fíli.”

“i send this letter ahead of me from bree. i hope you receive it in proper time so you can prepare the mountain for the impending doom that will be brought upon by two geese occupying erebor.

if you note the bite marks in bottom right corner and the occasional blots of stray ink on the parchment, those are courtesy of tansy. she sends her well wishes along with mine.

your burglar,

bilbo baggins”

thorin looks at trøbbel where he’s squatted directly on top of thorin’s favorite bedpillow like the cruel beast he is. the smug bastard has a wicked gleam in his eye as if he knows he’ll soon have a partner in crime to terrorize the whole mountain alongside.

oh mahal, please watch over this mountain.

erebor was teeming with anticipation, both for the arrival of the famed dragonriddler and for the next act of war from trøbbel. for nigh on three weeks, the royal bird has been eerily well-behaved. this was so out of character that fíli carried his companion to óin in the hopes the healer could figure out what malady had struck his friend.

there was nothing obvious to blame for the sudden silence of the royal bird, so the healer told fíli to watch over his bird and take as good care of him as possible.

he didn’t know much of anything about geese, so he simply opted to treat his companion like kíli when he was sick.

a cozy new bed was constructed, fíli monitored his food, and things seemed to be getting better. trøbbel slowly came back to his regular gremlin self, causing chaos that was mildly tamer than before.

at least the mountain didn’t get too comfortable without his shenanigans, because when bilbo arrived with his companion and their goose, all hell broke loose.

“hmm,” bilbo hummed to himself as he observed tansy sitting demurely on her designated pillow. she’d been oddly calm today, as if she knew where her company was going.

when bilbo explained the significance of tansy’s appearance in your life, you were flabbergasted. the idea of true soulmates was a sweet one yet painfully unrealistic in your eyes, something you read in bedtime stories. but with both bilbo and thain fortinbras’s confirmation that you received a soulmate goose from yavanna, you couldn’t deny it any longer.

then bilbo claimed he knew your soulmate and had fought alongside him against trolls and goblins and orcs and a dragon. he told you that he was rather fond of the dwarves of erebor, and that they were rambunctious and honorable.

but when he spoke of king thorin, the uncle of your soulmate, something was decidedly different from how he spoke of the rest of the company he kept. you could see the way his body visibly relaxed, how his eyes were softer and the appearance of pink on the tips of his ears.

your friend clearly held something more than respect for the dwarf king.

one night around the campfire, you told tansy about your suspicions. for a hooligan goose, she was a rather good conversationalist.

“i think bilbo loves that king of his, tansy.”

“HONK!”

“exactly! that’s what i was thinking!”

tansy honks back in response. living among hobbits, she seemed to pick up on some social etiquettes and right now, it was as if you were pleasantly chatting over afternoon tea.

you pondered what to do about this new development. bilbo was always seen as a bachelor, someone unattainable by shire standards. but just maybe, by the grace of yavanna, he’ll find his love in the heart of a king.

“say tansy,” a soft honk of acknowledgement came from your goose, “when you’re done leading me to my soulmate, can you help bilbo find his?”

in years to come, you will swear by the fact tansy nodded at you that evening by the fire.

“they’re here!”

“bilbo!”

“our burglar has returned!”

in the distance, they could see bilbo making his way towards the front entrance of erebor and unbridled joy swept through the company. how they’ve all missed their burglar in his absence from the mountain.

bard was walking alongside bilbo, who had dismounted from his pony when he entered dale and was guiding him along by the reins. at bilbo’s other side was another hobbit, presumably the lass he mentioned in his letter, and waddling with pride beside them was a goose wearing a red ribbon tied into a neat bow.

fíli made a break for the front gates as soon as the horn announcing bilbo’s arrival echoed through the crisp air. he genuinely missed bilbo and was plenty excited to meet the goose (and the hobbitess) described in his letters.

trøbbel dutifully followed behind his dwarf, waddling just fast enough to keep pace. at first. but in the distance, the royal goose of erebor heard a honk that resonated so deeply in him that he couldn’t dawdle with fíli, he had to go immediately.

his orange webbed feet pitter-pattered on the stone floors with the intensity of oliphaunts and the speed of rhosgobel rabbits, honking all the way. members of the company hollered after the speeding goose but trøbbel paid them no heed, far too focused on his destination.

“oi! trøbbel you mangy beast, get back here!”

“you ain’t beatin’ us to our burglar!”

the dwarves stood no chance at catching him, only following behind him like goslings in a rather lopsided row. apparently, trøbbel was going to beat them.

tansy was going to turn you grey long before your time if she had anything to say about it.

that wild beast of a bird strutted into dale with the attitude of the most pretentious hobbits in the west farthing, catching all sorts of strange looks from the big folk who never beheld such a human-acting animal. she honked and nodded to the growing crowd in greeting. you sighed at her antics but carried on, watching as bilbo’s entire countenance changed the closer he got to his dwarrow.

watching the entrance to the dwarven kingdom grow ever closer, you felt strangely lighter, almost as if you were coming home.

before you knew it, there was a stampede of dwarrow emerging from the front gates headed straight towards you and bilbo, led by a goose. logic told you that they were his friends from the journey, that they missed him more than you could imagine missing anyone.

but then tansy let out a screeching honk unlike anything you’ve ever heard in all your days. she immediately bolted for the feathered line leader, not even the slightest bit worried about being trampled by the pounding feet of dwarrow.

“tansy! tansy! oh you reckless fiend, you’re lucky i didn’t cook you on the way here!”

chasing after her was a terrible idea. instead, you elected to watch from beside your pony and hope for the best.

recalling bilbo’s stories, you could point out a few of his companions. bombur with his braided beard that weaves into itself, nori with the star points atop his head, thorin with his raven-colored hair…

the king of erebor was running like a hooligan towards bilbo at full speed, a wide smile on his face that bilbo led you to believe was a nigh impossible feat.

you nudge your friend with a smile, wondering why his feet weren’t going a mile a minute to reunite with his dwarf. “go to him,” you whispered. this seemed to spur him into action, bilbo making a mad dash for his king.

when thorin caught bilbo in a leaping embrace, their laughter was infectious. even tansy was honking joyously with them, echoed by another bit of loud honking you couldn’t place.

looking over, your tansy was nuzzling with the ereborian goose. they were waddling around each other inquisitively at first, then plopped down to the side of the path to watch the joyous reunion of king and burglar.

within moments, you realized what this meant: your soulmate was on his way. oh green gardens, you weren’t ready!

meeting your prince soulmate now, after a ragged journey across middle earth while covered in yavanna-knows-what, had your nerves vibrating with tension. your hands were clammy, eyes flitting around to spot him based on bilbo’s descriptions.

“trøbbel! oi you bugger, how dare you run ahead!”

you heard one voice clearly through the thicket of joyous bustling, and the entire world came to a screeching halt.

your soulmate wore a smile that could have blinded you, and his laughter put you in a tailspin. in the golden light of morning, his hair shone like the wheat fields you grew up playing in.

you had to be closer to him without another moment’s delay.

without your permission, your feet began to carry you into the growing crowd of dwarrow towards fíli. part of you wanted to dig your heels into the dirt because you didn’t know what to say to him! how did one even begin to introduce themselves to the person that the gods made to be their other half?

turns out you didn’t have to answer that question on your own.

in the time he spent on the road with bilbo, fíli learned quite a few pieces of important information about hobbits. they valued their food and their gardens, and placed great importance on flowers and their meanings. so when presented with his hobbit soulmate, he knew exactly how to make a good first impression.

presenting you a few sprigs of purple lilacs, he approached his one with a charming smile. “i imagine you’re starving from the trip here, love. would you like me to fetch you a warm meal straight from the royal kitchens?”

[starker-sorbet]

Peter waking up on morning to the honking of a soulmate goose of enforcement above him. A sound that while a good thing as the goose would lead him to his soulmate, made Peter undeniably tense. It did belong to a goose after all. But worries about dealing with a goose of enforcement's temperament all day soon faded when the goose to start dragging him towards the familiar sounds of Tony's repulsors landing on his apartment blocks roof.

@starkerfestivals Extended AUpril: Soulmate card below

[sea-owl]

Who knows about the soulmate goose of enforcement? I got reminded of it today and was inspired. charlie_winchester was the author of the fic, here's a link

If you don't know, the soulmate goose of enforcement is basically a goose that harasses your otp until they come together and fall in love. Like charlie_winchester, I think we should have a swan take place of the goose.

Just imagine the chaos of Colin coming across this swan during his travels and it chases him all the way back to England. He gets a breather for a moment only to find out that the swan is now terrorizing Penelope straight into the path of his arms. The swan seems calm when they're together. But the moment they're apart it's hissing at them!

The swan forces them to spend time together and keeps others away. It will allow no less. This forces Colin and Penelope to communicate with one another and truly talk because they got nothing better to do while being cornered by a swan.

The day Colin finds out about Whistledown he wasn't following Penelope to the church. He was out for a nice walk when that damn swan found him and chased him all the way to the church. The swan stopped outside the doorway while Colin and Penelope are once again trapped together.

[magiccath]

Between A Goose And A Hard Place

Pairing: 11th Doctor x River Song

Summary: In which the Doctor is faced with the soulmate goose of enforcement

A/N: I know this isn't what I usually write, but I wanted to make a silly little gift for @1-genie-in-a-bottle . Let me know if you like this kind of unhinged crack fic and/or want to see more Doctor x River stuff!

The Doctor generally wasn’t a fan of kissing. It’s not that he didn’t like it. No, that wasn’t the issue. At least, he didn’t think it was. More so, the issue lay in what happened when he kissed someone. Frankly, if he ever tried to explain it to someone else he was absolutely certain they would laugh. He had trouble believing it himself. 

First, it was Jack. The Doctor didn’t even really know how to react at first. Jack had simply grabbed his face and planted one on him. It was quick, most certainly not a lingering kiss. Before he could decide what to do with the kiss, Jack had pulled away with a yelp. When the Doctor tentatively opened his eyes, wondering what on Earth could have caused Jack to make a sound like that, he was speechless. A sleek, white goose was biting Jack’s arse. Literally. Jack had simply removed the goose from his bottom half, setting it down on the floor as if it were nothing more than a dirty sock. That was that, the two men didn’t discuss it any further. 

Shortly after, it was Rose. This time the Doctor had more control over this kiss. He’d done it to save her, it wasn’t much more than that. She had taken the entirety of the time vortex into her mind, and that would most certainly kill a human. He kissed her as a means of transferring it to his mind. He was a little too preoccupied with saving his companion to really stop and enjoy or suffer through the kiss. What he didn’t expect was the exact same goose, having magically appeared again, started honking at him with a newfound ferocity. 

“Will you please shut up!” He snapped, still holding onto Rose. By now she had practically collapsed into his arms, the energy drained from her body. He could have sworn that the goose glared at him. 

“Go on, shoo,” he encouraged, glaring right back. The goose sauntered away, the soft padding of its flippers taunting him. Briefly, he wondered where the goose came from. It was a little strange that the bird had suddenly appeared in the middle of a spaceship, but stranger things had happened to the Doctor. 

He’d made a mental note to look up what it meant when geese showed up and berated you for kissing people, but he got preoccupied. He had a new body to adapt to, with all new organs and facial features. How could he be expected to remember such trivial things as strange geese? 

Rose was the first to kiss his new face. Well, technically it was Lady Cassandra inhabiting Rose’s body. He should have known, Rose wasn’t bold enough to grasp him by his hair and forcibly kiss him. This one was longer and more passionate than the others. Still, the Doctor didn’t know how to react. He ended up just standing there like putty in her hands as he pressed her - Rose’s - lips against his, her hands gripping his hair roughly. Honestly, he sort of blacked out for the whole thing. By the time she had pulled away from him, the goose was there. It practically glared at Rose, its beak firmly attached to her shoe. He wasn’t sure if geese could growl, but this one certainly was. 

By the time they had returned to the TARDIS, he practically rushed to the library, frantically searching for some kind of explanation. He didn’t know why this was happening to him! Three times in a row was more than a coincidence, the events had to be linked. 

He pondered over his books for a few hours, looking for everything he had on geese. Exasperated, he used the Sonic Screwdriver to scour the internet. He came across an American article titled “The Soulmate Goose: Urban Legend or Rising Phenomenon?” He frowned, clicking on it, if only out of curiosity. 

A Soulmate Goose, otherwise known as the “Soulmate Goose of Enforcement'' is exactly what it sounds like. A goose who acts as a spiritual guide in your search for a soulmate, just in a chaotic manner. Regardless if you believe in soulmates or not, the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement serves as an entertaining tale at the very least, and a guiding beacon in the dating world at best. 

The Doctor wasn’t entirely sure if it was a joke. Americans were good at that, making up things so entirely silly that they almost seemed real. He didn’t want to believe it, the idea was so blatantly odd. However, the current evidence at hand seemed to support the idea. What other possible explanation could there be for a goose following him around and getting incessantly violent whenever he kissed someone?

For the next few weeks, he simply forgot about the goose. He had more pertinent things to do. That was, until none other than Madame De Pompadour kissed him. She grasped him and leaned forward, pressing her lips against his. He melted into her touch, his hands ghosting around her waist as she grasped tightly onto his suit. He wasn’t sure if he kissed her back, but he was fairly certain he had. Before he could really start to enjoy the kiss, a goose crawled out from under Madame De Pompadour’s skirts. She quickly backed away from him, looking down at the bird with wide, confused eyes. The goose simply squawked at her before turning its attention towards the Doctor, looking up at him with its beady little black eyes in clear disapproval. The Doctor stared back, his mind trying to catch up. Bashfully, he nodded his understanding.

After that, he did a good job of steering away from kissing. He became almost defensive about it, constantly worried that someone might grab him for a kiss. The last thing he wanted was for the goose to show up again. 

He figured he was safe around Jackie, she was Rose’s mum after all. How wrong he was. She quickly grabbed him, spinning him around towards her so she could press her lips against his. He instantly recoiled, but she didn’t seem to notice. She rotated between hugging him and kissing him. When she was done he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, clearly disgusted. Sure enough, the goose poked its head into the room, glaring at the Doctor. 

“I didn’t like it much either,” he whispered angrily at the bird. Honestly, what was it with all of these women kissing him?

Then he kissed Martha - which he only did to save her life. He told her as such, looked her in the eyes, and begged her to understand that it was for her own good. For the good of everyone in the hospital. It’s not like it meant anything. He grasped her face in his hands and kissed her quickly. Honestly, he didn’t even really think about it, not really. Afterward, he ran away quickly, having things he needed to do. The Doctor didn’t get very far before he ran into a goose. It was just sitting in the hallway, looking at him disappointingly. In all of his rush to come up with a solution for their predicament, he had completely forgotten about the goose. 

“I did it to save everyone in this hospital!” he argued. It felt ridiculous to argue with a bird. 

Either the goose didn’t understand him, or it didn’t care. It simply got up off the floor and walked over to the Doctor menacingly. Great, the Doctor thought, now I’ve got to run away from the Judoon AND a bird. Luckily for him, he was good at the running thing. 

When he was John Smith he didn’t figure that he’d be kissing anyone. He left it out of the list of instructions he had made for Martha. In the moment, avoiding pears seemed more important than avoiding the damn goose. 

Unfortunately for him, his human counterpart had to go and fancy someone. He leaned in to kiss her, moving slowly in case she wanted to back away. When she didn’t, he leaned down and pressed his mouth against hers. 

The door barged open and he pulled away to yell at Martha, he had told her to knock before inviting herself in. However, he was faced with the goose. He frowned at the bird, confused about how it got into the room, let alone open the door. Geese don’t have hands, let alone opposable thumbs, so how did it get in?

He didn’t have much time to ponder because the goose instantly threw itself at Joan, biting at her legs through her skirt. He frowned angrily at the strange creature, forcibly pulling it off of his love interest. The goose turned its efforts to biting him, sinking its surprisingly sharp beak into the tender flesh of his hand. He dropped the bird in shock, grasping the spot where it had bit him. 

“What-?” he gasped, still holding his wound. Martha rushed into the room, looking between him, Joan, and the bird in clear confusion. The Doctor didn’t even try to explain, he wasn’t even sure how to. 

Then, it was Astrid. She really was a sweet girl, he felt awful that he didn’t have time to warn her. This was getting out of hand - what was it with women grabbing him and kissing him against his will? He wasn’t a fan of it, and the goose most certainly wasn’t either. The kiss was brief, not leaving him much time to react. By the time she pulled away, the lapels of his suit still grasped in her hands, the goose had appeared. It was squawking again, flapping its wings angrily. 

“Where did that come from?” Astrid frowned, still not letting go of the Doctor. He sighed heavily and gently eased her away from him. With a sad frown, she backed down, exiting his personal space. The goose continued to yell at her, even as she left the Doctor with a shy wave goodbye. 

“You have got to stop doing that!” he scolded the bird. He was met with a sharp cry in response. He didn’t need to speak goose to understand that the creature was mad at him. 

“It’s not like I’m asking these women to kiss me!” he protested, begging the goose for a little bit of leeway. The bird tilted its head at him, clearly listening to him. Without another word - or squawk - it padded off down the hallway, leaving the Doctor alone. 

When Donna kissed him he absolutely was not expecting OR wanting it. He asked her for a shock, assuming that she would gladly take the opportunity to slap him or something. He’d done plenty of things to piss her off, surely she was itching to sock him. Instead, she grabbed him by the face and kissed him passionately. He wasn’t sure that she liked it much more than he did. Frankly, she should have just gone the slapping route, it would have been better for both of them. When she finally released him he stumbled backward into the kitchen island, letting out a sharp breath as the poison exited his body in smoky tendrils. 

He felt a sharp bite on one of his fingers and looked down at the counter to find the goose, his pointer finger lodged between its beak. The Doctor glared at the bird and wiggled his finger free from its grasp. 

“Bad bird!” he tried scolding, holding his hand against his chest defensively. “I’m well aware that she’s not my soulmate! There’s no need to get violent.” 

He managed to escape the kissing for a while after that. He got a little too comfortable, he almost forgot all about the kissing and the goose. His life was wonderful. 

And then Christina kissed him. She didn’t even give him any warning. Like the various women before her, she had simply grabbed him and dragged his lips toward hers. The bus erupted in applause as she kissed him, vocalizing their approval. She pulled away, smirking at him. She quickly recoiled though when she felt a sharp sting in her calf. She looked down at her leg, only to find a vicious goose firmly attached to her calf. The Doctor followed her gaze and sighed, seemingly dejected. 

“I’m not interested in this one either,” he groaned at the goose. Begrudgingly, it released Christina from its grasp. She quickly stumbled back, rubbing her leg in the spot where it had been biting her. 

That was the last time he was kissed with that face. He hoped with his new regeneration that he might escape the kissing for a while. Maybe it was the tight suits. Surely that was the problem. Yes, it had to be the suits. And the hair. He made sure to get rid of both. 

Even with this new face, this new attitude, even with the new suit, he couldn’t avoid the kissing. He figured he was safe with Amy, she was getting married! She couldn’t be interested in him. Oh, how wrong he had been. 

She leaned close to him, closer than he was generally comfortable with. She continued to lean further into him, desperately trying to close the gap between them. Once he realized what was happening, he quickly shot up out of his seat, stumbling away from her. 

“You’re getting married!” he argued as she continued to try and kiss him. “I’m 906! This can never work!” 

She pouted, crowding him up against the TARDIS. “I wasn’t suggesting anything quite so… long-term,” she said seductively, grabbing him by the back of the neck and kissing him urgently. Her hands wandered across his chest, sliding his suspenders off his shoulders. He stiffened, his hands planted firmly on her shoulders as he pushed her off of him. He wiggled out of her grasp, trying to move away from her again. She tried to move for him again and he darted away from her. Where was the goose when you needed it?!

As if sending his thoughts, a goose appeared in the middle of Amy’s room. She stared at it in blatant confusion before backing hesitantly away. The goose didn’t seem deterred in the slightest and simply advanced in her direction, growling softly. 

“Do they do that? Are they meant to do that?” 

“No, not generally,” the Doctor sighed in exasperation, picking the goose up and practically throwing it away from her. It moved for Amy again and he placed his leg in front of it, blocking its path. 

“Amy, no kissing,” he scolded, pointing at her. He then turned his attention to the goose, “No biting. No attacking. No disturbing of any kind.”

The goose huffed, at least, that’s what the Doctor assumed it was trying to do. He glared down at it, almost threatening it to try again. Finally, the goose relented. 

Amy didn’t try to kiss him again, which he was thankful for. In fact, no one tried to kiss him again. That was, until River. 

He liked River, he really did. She was smart, snarky, and not afraid to flirt with him. As he returned her to her cell they talked and laughed happily. 

He said something or made some kind of comment. He wasn’t even trying to be funny or clever, it just came out that way. 

“Shut up,” River smirked, grabbing his neck softly and pulling him into her. He could have pulled away if he really wanted to. River wasn’t like the other women, she wasn’t forcibly aggressive about it. Dominant and self-assured, yes. But not aggressive, never aggressive. He let her do it, mostly because he wanted her to. 

She pressed her lips against his and he instantly melted into the kiss. This time was different, this time he wanted it, he liked it. Awkwardly, his hand hovered over her shoulder, not quite touching her. She kept one hand on the back of his neck, the other pulling him in by his waist. Oh, he liked that. His hand pressed down on her shoulder. Not like he had with Amy, he wasn’t pushing her away. Rather, he was holding her, urging her to go on. 

Then, panic started to seep in. The goose was going to show up at any point. It was going to start biting River and that was absolutely the last thing that he wanted to happen. At the same time, he really didn’t want this kiss to end. His arms flailed about helplessly and awkwardly. If River noticed she didn’t do anything to indicate as such. He continued his uncomfortable flapping, his mind torn between pulling away and pushing closer. 

The kiss ended and he looked down at her with wide, panicked eyes. She wasn’t crying out in pain and there wasn’t an ear-splitting honking filling the air. She looked at him almost sadly, as if realizing his mind wasn’t entirely on her. 

He didn’t know it, but she was realizing that this was the last time she was ever going to kiss him. A first for him, a last for her. That was the way it worked. 

The Doctor looked around her cell anxiously, searching for the goose. Where was it? Was it going to bite him now? His eyes finally landed on the familiar goose, sitting patiently in the corner.

“Doctor?” River whispered, her eyes searching his face. 

He didn’t respond, his wide eyes glued on the goose. Only, it wasn’t moving. It wasn’t attacking. He looked back at River, his eyes darting between hers. Could it be? 

“Can you do that again?” he whispered. She smirked, finding his request nothing if not adorable. She was more than happy to oblige, leaning forward to press her lips against his again. 

It was softer this time, more gentle. The Doctor actively kissed her back this time, his hands coming to rest on the dip of her waist. She smiled at that, pressing her chest against his. 

He pulled away from the kiss, his hands still holding her waist. He smiled down at her, feeling a warmth in his hearts that he hadn’t for centuries. She smiled back up at him, her hand resting gently between his rapidly beating hearts. 

Hesitantly he looked back over to the corner where the goose had been only moments before, finding the room empty. He let out a gentle breath, relieved that the aviary torture was finally over. Maybe now he could relax. Maybe, just maybe, there would be more of this enjoyable kissing in the future. For once, the Doctor could confidently say that he liked kissing. Yes, yes he most certainly did. 

He just hoped that the damned goose didn’t show up again. 

[hereforanepilogue]

live laugh HONK

Steve always knew that finding his soulmate would be a weird day - he didn't quite expect this.

aka I wrote a soulmate goose of enforcement au because nobody I talk to about it has heard of it.

AO3

[detective-giggles]

Birds of a Feather

Yeah, Hi, Hello! So, I did a thing!  I have no idea how this trope works, but here’s my take on the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement.  @chaotictarlos, thank you for the beta and all the encouragement.

🩷🩷🩷🩷

“What are you gawking at?” Judd snaps. “I’d like to get back before shift change.”

TK sighs. He’s not normally one to slack at scenes but this damn goose just won’t leave him alone and it’s really starting to freak him out.

“What’s that?”

“What? They ain’t got geese where you come from?” 

“No… well, yes but.”

“But what?”

“They don’t normally…”

“What, kid?” Judd rolls his eyes and hands TK an armful of tools that need to be loaded back onto the truck.

“Nothing. It’s just… looking at me.” 

Judd sighs, “Did you feed it once or something?”

“What? No!”

“Well quit your staring contest and get back to work!”

“Yeah yeah.”

The goose takes a few steps towards TK and Judd lunges at the goose, stomping loudly in an attempt to scare it away. The goose honks and waddles sideways, seemingly to evade the large firefighter. He runs towards TK, gracefully, wings back and raised and Judd rolls his eyes and sighs loudly. 

“Just get in the damn truck, kid. And stay there until the bird is gone,” Judd mutters. “I don’t want to have to explain to your daddy how you got your finger bitten off.”

TK nods and scurries away.

***

“Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to stay behind the barricade. The firefighters will let us know when it’s safe to let you back inside the building.” 

The woman makes a rude gesture and huffs as she stomps away. Carlos exchanges a look with his partner and shakes his head- smoke was still pouring out the windows and the roof- where did she think she would go? 

He rests his hands on his duty belt and takes a big step back. Hit foot hits something and his momentum carries him backward, and his butt hits the ground hard.

The something squawks and Carlos mutters, “Sorry.” 

Next to him, Lexi bursts out laughing. “Did you just apologize to a bird? You realize the bird tripped you, right?”

Carlos stares at the goose and the goose cocks its head to the side. It honks at Carlos, and when Carlos doesn’t seem fazed, the goose flaps its wings and makes a horrendous noise.

“Damn, Reyes, maybe apologize again?” She reaches down to help him up and the goose snaps at her. “That’s weird. You’re on your own.” 

Carlos stands and brushes off the back of his uniform. “No, what’s weird is this isn’t the first time.”

“The first time? How many times have you been attacked by geese?”

“I’m not answering that,” Carlos mutters.

The goose looks at Carlos and honks and then turns, flapping his wings in the opposite direction. He takes a couple of hops that way, then turns back to Carlos and honks again. 

“Are we really doing this?” He mutters, taking a step toward his new feathered friend. The goose turns and takes a couple more steps away before whipping its head around to see if Carlos is still following.  He is, albeit slowly, and the goose honks its praise and flies away. 

Carlos turns to his partner and shrugs and then continues on towards his patrol car.

***

The goose squawks and lunges at TK’s ankle, and TK wonders why he got out of the damn truck. TK lets out a little yelp and jumps back and the goose lunges again.  He takes a few more steps back and the goose follows.

TK swears and jogs a few yards, definitely freaked out that the goose is still on his trail. Geese don’t normally attack humans, right? He’s definitely had more than his fair share of run-ins with the feathered creatures and he makes a mental note to Google Wild Geese in Austin when he gets home. 

He’s not entirely sure what to do or where to go and he panics a little. He sees a patrol car not too far in front of him and he hurries in that direction, the goose following closely behind.

The door is unlocked and the backseat is mercifully empty, and TK opens the door and hops in.  The goose squawks and flaps its wings in a way TK can only describe as angry.  The goose waddles away to watch TK from a distance and he sighs. 

Maybe he can sneak out from the other side of the car. He slides to the passenger side of the backseat and tries the door, feeling a rush of adrenaline when he realizes it’s locked and he’s trapped.

He slides back over and yanks on the handle and the door doesn’t budge. It takes him a second too long to realize he’s in the back of a police car, and he’s going to have to wait for one of Austin’s finest to come and free him.  

He doesn’t have to wait long, luckily, and the man coming towards him is fine. He saunters towards the police cruiser, unbothered, despite the fact that the goose honks loudly as he passes and flaps its wings, as if to encourage him.

He walks around to the far side of the vehicle and opens the door. Although the goose is on the other side, TK hesitates— until it flaps its wings and flies towards the window. TK scrambles to the open door and he tumbles out of the vehicle— and into the officer’s arms.

The other man is strong and quick on his feet and steadies TK before he hits the ground. 

“Hi,” TK says shyly. The officer is looking at him curiously, and TK wonders if he’s in trouble for sheltering in the patrol car without permission, but decides he’d rather risk the wrath of the officer, instead of the goose. “Sorry, I kind of broke into your car. Um, I’m TK. TK Strand.”

“I know. I’ve seen you around. The damn goose, too.” 

“Right? So I’m not the only one that thinks it’s weird?”

“No,” Carlos agrees, “definitely weird.”

TK laughs and gestures vaguely to the fire engine. “Well, I guess I should get going.”

The goose squawks and flaps and TK takes half a step towards Carlos. “Or we could talk a little more?” Carlos says. “I could give you a ride back to the station? You can even ride in the front seat,” he teases.

TK laughs a little and nods. “Thanks, I’d like that.”

Carlos opens the passenger door and then steps back. As TK starts to climb in, the goose honks, but definitely not as angrily as before. He flies around them— twice, and then flies off into the distance, leaving TK and Carlos looking bewildered. 

“That really is weird, right?”

“Oh yeah.”

TK shrugs and settles into Carlos’ SUV. Carlos shuts the door behind him and hurries around to the other side, anxious to get to know TK Strand.

Taglist: @noxsoulmate @chaotictarlos @tailoredshirt @plaidbooks @meditating-honey-badger

[bookgeekgrrl]

My media this week (18-24 Feb 2024)

i'll always prefer the og but this iteration is entertaining

📚 STUFF I READ 📚

The Old Codgers Greatest Hits Album (AggressiveWhenStartled, author; quietnight, narrator) - 57K series, canon-divergent stucky co-starring peter parker. Reread of this hilarious forever fave where first teenage peter is forced to deal with two body-swapped geriatric supersoldiers and then bucky is forced to deal with two teenage spidermen trying (and failing) to stealthily rescue their "dog". Great podfic by quietnight, absolute hilarity

History of American Capitalism (Zenaidamacrouras1) - 85K, shrinkyclinks college AU with superstar QB!Bucky & history nerd Steve - incredible found family dynamics, can't believe @zenaidamacrouras1 made me actually really get into an AU that involved both undergrads AND football. The nerve! The talent! (the fic is single POV but there's an amazing companion piece that's Bucky's convos with this sister that give a his POV on some of it and it's equally amazing)

💖💖 +347K of shorter fic so shout out to these I really loved 💖💖

Half sleep, half waking (softestpunk) - The Sandman & Rivers of London crossover: dreamling, 8K - amazing crossover! I wish there was 60K of this for me to read

Road to Joy (Oddree13) - Stranger Things: steddie, 25K - latest chapter in this omegaverse steddie series that I absolutely adore

Knit One, Purl Two (mollus) - MCU: stucky, 32K - reread; forever fave WS recovery fic with lots of softness in the form of: knitting, dancing, soap making and senior citizens

Red, White & Royal Goose (fairestfaerie) - RWRB: alex/henry, 7K - I just love a good Soulmate Goose of Enforcement fic

This Sunlit Land (eyres) - MCU: stucky, 38K - wonderful canon/timeline-divergent WS recovery AU

📺 STUFF I WATCHED 📺

Resident Alien - s1, e1-3

QI - series S, ep 7-9

D20: The Unsleeping City: Chapter II - "The Fall of New York City" (s7, e1)

D20: The Unsleeping City: Chapter II - "Heaven and Hell on Earth" (s7, e2)

D20: Fantasy High: Junior Year - "Stress Tested" (s21, e7)

D20: Adventuring Party - "A Negroni and a Bowl of Spinach" (s16, e7)

Ghosts (US) - s2, e16-22; s3, e1-2

🎧 PODCASTS 🎧

Vibe Check - Hey, Sis: featuring Kimberly Drew

The Sporkful - Can A Restaurant Makeover Make Diners Spend More?

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Boston’s Blue Hill

Short Wave - The Life And Death Of A Woolly Mammoth

Desert Island Discs - Sheku Kanneh-Mason, cellist

I Said No Gifts! - Jay Jurden Disobeys Bridger

The Assignment with Audie Cornish - Where Does Fani Willis Go From Here?

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - World’s Loneliest House

⭐ Switched on Pop - Adult Contemporary, but make it cool (with CHROMEO)

Shedunnit - The Unpleasantness at the Bellona Club (Green Penguin Book Club 1)

Up First - Julian Assange Extradition Hearing, Egypt Buffer Zone, Louisiana Special Session

Today, Explained - The Panama Canal is drying up

It's Been a Minute - Jada Pinkett Smith, the artist

Vibe Check - Welcome to Tip Check

Outward - True Detective: Night Country’s Lesbian Subtext

⭐ Code Switch - Why menthol cigarettes have a chokehold on Black smokers

Short Wave - When The Sun Erupts

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Stone of Destiny

⭐ 99% Invisible #571 - You Are What You Watch

Films To Be Buried With - Tyler James Williams

Ologies with Alie Ward - Black Hole Theory Cosmology (WHAT ARE BLACK HOLES?!) Part 1 with Ronald Gamble, Jr.

Off Menu - Ep 226: Noel Fielding

NPR's Book of the Day - 'Thank You Please Come Again' pays homage to Southern gas station food shops

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Buffalo Soldiers National Museum

The Assignment with Audie Cornish - Jake Tapper on American Political Scandal

⭐ Throughline - Dance Yourself Free (Throwback)

If Books Could Kill - The Better Angels of Our Nature

Our Opinions Are Correct - We Don't Give a F*ck About Canon

⭐ Today, Explained - Fight at the Museum

The Sporkful - Deep Dish With Sohla And Ham: Bagels

Dear Prudence - My Friend Has a Master’s Degree in Lying. Help!

What Next: TBD - The Coasts are Sinking

Short Wave - Didn't Get A Valentine's Love Song? These Skywalker Gibbons Sing Love Duets

Endless Thread - Endless Thread: The Musical

⭐ Twenty Thousand Hertz+ - Industrial Musicals

Strong Songs - "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden

You're Dead to Me - Queen of Sheba [turned out to be really perfect timing to have this knowledge right before getting to certain relevant bits in my current read The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi]

It's Been a Minute - Have we hit celebrity overload? Plus, Miyazaki's movie magic

Simply Reflecting - Did You Say Delusional?

Under the Influence - Seeing is Believing: The Power of Demonstration Commercials

Hit Parade - The Bridge: Bon Soir, Barbra

🎶 MUSIC 🎶

Chromeo

Living Colour

Chicago House Foundation

Presenting Soundgarden

Swing Fever [Rod Stewart & Jools Holland] {2024}

Adult Contemporary [Chromeo] {2024}

Campfire Classics

[causewealwayshaveeachother]

📓📓📓

damn THREE books...

1 tattoo artist/reference desk librarian

what if a tattoo artist and a reference desk librarian fell in love...

reggie: a tattoo artist with a passion for reading dense academic textbooks and their bibliographies and a crush on the reference desk librarian who always seems to be on shift when he goes in

alex: a reference desk librarian with a hobby for gossipping about frequent patrons and a massive crush on his favorite grad student - though for what field he's not yet certain

the plot: reggie is a frequent visitor of alex's library in search of literally just random shit he's interested in learning about. alex is utterly convinced he's a student at the university (don't worry about what the relationship is between the library, the university, and the public) and is determined to figure out what his field of study is without asking, through the power of gossipping about it with his friends

reggie and willie have a tattoo shop together. the tattoo shop is called Sparkwheel's Tattoos and Piercings. it is named after ur nicknames for reggie and willie for each other being sparky and wheels <3 it's also named after the fact that in this fic their last names are both sparkwheel. also they have matching sparkwheels tattooed on their heels <33

"Oh, we're not married," Reggie said. "We just have the same last name for way weirder reasons."

2 the soulmate goose of enforcement

my discord avatar is dex from check please. read this

the world: what if instead of any one soulmate au, it was all of them? luke lives in a world where your 16th birthday coincides with the reveal of how, exactly, you're going to find your soulmate, as anticlimactic or exciting as it may turn out to be. he was like 100% certain he was gonna get something music-related. instead he got a goose.

luckily, he meets his soulmate pretty soon after that! unluckily, the goose does not go away as planned. weird.

and thus begins the ever-expanding quasi-platonic polycule of luke's soulmates, their soulmates, their friends, and etcetera. he does eventually find a romantic soulmate too. unfortunately by that point he's too used to everyone ending up being platonic soulmates to realize

oh yeah also it's a royalty au bc it was inspired by a round of troped. remember troped? man.

3 the pirate willexie one where i steal a country name from fete for a king even though i'm only on chapter 6

reggie, fleeing a shitty homelife and following in the footsteps of his best friend, fakes his death for the life insurance payout and becomes a thief. an indeterminate amount of time later, he finally returns to his hometown to retrieve what was left to him in the finally-unsealed will of his missing-presumed-dead best friend. unfortunately, he's super recognizable to like, everyone in the house at the time. and robbing it. time to flee! oh no he's been cornered at the docks! time to jump on a boat as it leaves!

willie is the captain of a transgender pirate ship weilding a leverage-ass understanding of what an EMP cannon is or how it functions. his crew includes: - julie, the first mate/medic/musician -flynn, the tech guy/navigator -luke, the munitions guy/musician -bobby, the head cook -nick, who's just kind of there it's a very exciting time when reggie jumps aboard fleeing the cops. willie loves fleeing the cops and he loves cute boys and he loves having an extra hand on the boat so this whole situation is a win-win-win

alex ran away to sea, is now missing presumed dead. sad!

this fic features: transgenderism! flynn and luke being aro besties! my anger at the concept of a child star! small european countries! a lot of research into what the letters before boat names mean!

[orangistae]

(more) soulmate goose fic recs

Since I’ve gotten some new followers recently thanks to the soulmate goose rec list that I wrote for the Rec Center, I thought some of you might be interested in another list of soulmate goose fics that I liked but which didn’t make the cut for whatever reason; enjoy!

Geese And Other Love Signs by Ingi. 1.1K words, rated Gen. Fandom: X-Men; Ship: Erik Lensherr/Charles Xavier.

Erik returns to the mansion after “the Beach Divorce” and finds that Charles has located another young mutant with a very unusual power. It’s always fun seeing badasses bested by a goose and I love Erik’s vain attempts to maintain dignity in the face of defeat.

Congratulations, It’s a Soulmate Goose by mikkimouse. 1.7K words, rated Teen. Fandom: MCU; Ship: Bucky Barnes/Sam Wilson.

When Bucky shows up with an aggressive goose perched on his shoulder, Sam finds it hilarious but also sets about trying to figure out how to help. Spoilers: the answer involves kissing. Great banter, very cute.

Why Would A Goose Be in the Archives by orphan_account. 3K words, rated Gen. Fandom: The Magnus Archives; Ship: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims.

Martin comes across a strange statement regarding a possibly supernatural goose and is debating whether to show it to Jon, when the goose in question appears in the archives. Captures the characters’ voices well, and the romantic confession is adorably awkward.

Wild Goose Chase by Black_Crystal_Dragon. 6K words, rated Gen. Fandom: Good Omens; Ship: Aziraphale/Crowley.

Crowley gets attacked by a miracle-proof goose in St James’s Park, and when Aziraphale has no luck against it either, they go to Tadfield in search of advice. Lots of fun goose action, and I love the suggestion that God ships Ineffable Husbands.

Captive Goose by beautifulduckweed. 26K words (WIP), rated Explicit. Fandom: Captive Prince; Ship: Damen/Laurent.

A sacred soulmate goose shows up at the battlefield of Marlas in time to save Auguste and lead Damen to a young Laurent, then basically forces them to shack up together. The only soulmate goose fic I’ve read that actually has a full-blown plot, including some pretty impressive integration of the goose into canon-typical court intrigue. 

And this one was linked in the Rec Center, but in case you missed it:

Two Guys, A Goose and A Panera Bread by me! 3.3K words, rated Gen. Fandom: What We Do in the Shadows; Ship: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless.

Guillermo canonically met Nandor while working at Panera Bread, but what Nandor was doing there in the first place? Obviously, he was chased there by a soulmate goose. My favourite of my own fics, I’m particularly proud of the action choreography and the vampirism reveal.

[thatmexisaurusrex]

Okay, so you know how there are those soulmate goose fics? What I’m going to do for SamBucky AU Week tomorrow will basically be everyone has a soulmate goose except Sam and Bucky. No, they have a soulmate falcon. And nobody expects a BIRD OF PREY (THAT TALKS) to swoop down and corral you to your soulmate 😂 I think I might call it “That’s Not A Goose!” 🤣

[bittercape]

uuu, so many interesting things, but I gotta ask about the horrible goose (ie "1. Soulmate goose"). What are you planning on?

Someone introduced me to the soulmate goose through this fic and I totally fell in love with the concept. It's turning out to be about as cracky as you'd expect, but also a bit angstier.

I crowdsourced a lot of loose ideas, and got several gems such as this:

The goose shows up at the worst possible times racket outside Character A: ??? door slams inwards  sudden, furious goose: HONK Character A: ... fuck.

So ... yeah. Have a little snippet:

The goose, when it materializes, is not something that can be ignored. It’s a hurricane of feathers and smacking wings and a surprising amount of claws, hell bent on murder. Any goose is too much for most people, and an enraged soulmate goose is certainly far too much for Jason’s would-be abductor, who is lucky to escape with the distinctive scarring that a goose to the face will give you, as well as several broken bones from falling backwards down the stairs. 

Catherine does not wake up. Jason, who has always slept like the dead (and as such been an absolute delight of a baby), sleeps on, oblivious. 

The goose preens at the top of the stairs, self-satisfied, before it disappears. 

It will be posted sometime in June, for the YOTP prompt soulmate au.

[cyprianlatewood]

Magicians Superhero AU

Detailed view of panel 1 featuring a romantic encounter between King Kinesis and intrepid reporter Q. Coldwater from the Brakebills Gazette. Q found himself in a dangerous situation at the mercy of Glow Girl (a name she absolutely hates, preferring Phosphor but it just doesn’t trip off the tongue in quite the same way). Glow Girl was about to obliterate the city of Brakebills with a ball of lightning when King Kinesis and the Cryo Queen came to stop her. Of course Q. got in the way and Glow Girl sent him flying off the roof. King Kinesis rushed down to save him but in a shocking twist, Q’s latent shapeshifting power manifested at the last minute and he sprouted wings in time to float into the King’s arms for a kiss. Meanwhile the Cryo Queen is cleaning up the mess, as usual, and Glow Girl doesn’t stand a chance against her. Honestly, she should really change her name to High King Cryo.

Detailed view of panel 2 featuring our favorite antiheroes. The Bodyguard (aka Battle Bitch for the grownup set) is doing her best to put off the pesky soulmate goose of enforcement that keeps attacking her. It’s not like she has a soulmate (or two?) anyway. Our Lady of the Tree knows otherwise, and is doing her best to give her favorite Bodyguard a clue. Recent foray into the world of superheroes The Third Eye watches (not pining, never), especially grumpy because his begrudging friend (with benefits, but it’s just for fun, okay?) and sidekick Mapman has convinced (ie begged and pleaded until he finally caved) him to wear this stupid cape and headscarf. As if the lycra shirt and pants weren’t bad enough. As long as Mapman appreciates the view, he supposes. And hopefully those badass best bitches will be into it when they finally sort their own shit out and notice him. And anyway, what the hell is up with that goose?

update: now also posted on a03:  

https://archiveofourown.org/works/38830113

[kalira]

The Splendid Skating Soulmate Goose

(I almost called this Herbert on Ice; this title is courtesy of @mad-madam-m​ laughing and throwing titles at me the other night. XD)

T; 1.9k Otabek/Yuri

Unexpectedly alone in the rink, Yuri just wanted to spend some time enjoying the rare chance to have it all to himself - alone, that does not mean sharing with a fucking goose of all things?!

First time posting something (outside a 3SF) for this fandom and it’s the soulmate goose, yes, good, why not after all? XD

[ed-writes-fanfiction]

You should read my new fic, it’s about Tommy, a Soulmate Enforcement Goose who gets platonic soulmates Wilbur and Techno to meet by aggressive means. It’s very fluffy, good for a pick-me-up. 

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

In case someone out there has never encountered a goose, and is wondering if they really are that terrible, well…

…Yes. Yes they are.

[innytoes]

When a Soulmate Goose showed up, Alex didn't say anything. Well, that's not true. He said 'aaaargh' and 'oh got stop hissing at me!' and several other things. But when his parents handed him the keys to his older sister's car (the one she abandoned when she left for college, swearing to never return to their 'backward, podunk little town'), he didn't argue when they said something like 'go get your girl'.

Instead, he hastily packed a bag, grabbing the tote bag full of snacks his mother prepared for him and a wad of cash his father handed him, and set off, only swerving a little bit when he realised the goose - which he had definitely not let into the car - was in the back seat already.

Because Alex knew, just like his sister knew when she got her scholarship, that this was his chance to get out. Get out of their small town, with its prying eyes and judgemental stares. Get out before he could stop finding excuses why he didn't want to date the pastor's daughter, she has her eye on you Alex, and she's Good People. Get out before he had to come out, would be cast out.

So angry hissing waterfowl aside, he was actually pretty relieved. Even though the drive was a lot longer than he expected. Even though he had to sleep in the parking lot of a motel more than once because they didn't allow geese -soulmate enforcers or not - into the rooms. At least Geraldine was a pretty good deterrent from being robbed.

They worked out a system. Geraldine wouldn't bite him if he fed her parts of his meals and snacks. She's honk when he needed to take an exit, but wouldn't flap her wings at him while he was driving, after he nearly ran off the road. She let him take breaks and pit stops as long as he kept going in the direction she wanted to. And honestly, she liked Whitney Houston just as much as he did, and was a pretty good listener.

He was a little surprised they ended up in LA. He'd imagined going to a big city, but not like, one of The Big Cities. He gaped at the Hollywood sign until Geraldine did nip his ankles, and he started walking again. And walking. He got chased on a bus, their previous pact of food-for-civility apparently broken, but the bus driver was kind enough to just laugh at him and let him take a seat when he didn't have enough money or any idea where he was going. (Maybe Geraldine knew what she was doing.)

They ended up at the beach. He'd never seen the beach before, but Geraldine didn't let him enjoy it. Not like the other views. Instead, she herded him along the board walk, towards a skate park, and right into the path of a guy holding a small bouquet of pink and blue flowers.

"No way," the boy said, as Geraldine happily sat on top of his skateboard as they untangled. "The carnival fortune teller was totally right. I did fall for a beautiful blond fairytale prince today at sunset. You even have an animal sidekick."

"Oh you fell, alright," Alex snapped, before realising what the guy had said. He wanted to say something else, but then the boy took off his helmet, and a wave of beautiful long hair spilled out, and his entire brain blue screened.

Geraldine honked smugly, just once, before disappearing in a flash of green. He didn't even get a chance to thank her, but he was pretty sure she knew anyway.