#source: i myself have been dealing with exhaustion for a while and know what it's like and what it does to you

[elliespuns]

how do you think joel would react to his girl having tinnitus and yk having hearing issues.. (bc i have tinnitus since like 2020) i think he would notice she has trouble hearing sometimes and often cries at night. i think he would be so sympathetic and supportive bc he himself has deaf problems ❤️😭

I just got this ask today, but I am compelled to respond to this ask as soon as I can so you know you're not alone.

Like you, I have been dealing with tinnitus myself. For me, it's the "humming" sound in my right ear. I'm 31 years old, healthy lifestyle, no smoking (except weed, lol), no caffeine (wish I could). It started almost 3 years ago. They say that many tinnitus sufferers thinks of commiting a sucide. I don't blame them, because when this phantom ear noise first appeared and I wasn't used to it being my constant companion, I wanted to blow my head off. As it started, I experienced near daily headaches and felt chronically unwell.

I thought it was a hearing issue, so I began seeing an otolaryngologist to determine the cause. Despite conducting every possible test and procedure, they were unable to find anything wrong. In fact, when they measured my hearing acuity, the results showed it to be perfect for someone my age. Paradoxically, the ill ear actually tested with even better hearing than my other ear.

I was at a low point in my life, battling depression and feeling utterly hopeless. Nothing brought me joy anymore. The constant hum in my ear was ever-present, except for when I listened to loud music. Only then, with my earphones on or in a noisy environment, could I temporarily escape the frustrating sound. The worst were nights and being in a quiet place.

But as I was also experiencing problems with my cervical spine, someone suggested I consult a specialist, as it could potentially be linked to my tinnitus. So I was referred to a physiatrist and neurologist who performed various physical manipulations to correct my alignment. I also underwent electrotherapy sessions.

Nothing helped. Eventually, I resigned myself to my fate. Over time, the sounds faded into the background and became less noticeable, blending in with the ambient noise of everyday life, unless I was focusing on it. Then, 6 months into physical therapy a miraculous change occurred—the tinnitus, while not vanishing entirely, greatly subsided in intensity. I still experience it to this day, but now it only bothers me when my back is acting up, during a killer migraine, or when I'm exhausted to the point of feeling utterly spent.

So let me tell you, I totally understand you and I'm sending you a big hug, honey. Tinnitus is truly an awful thing to experience. From what I've heard, even those who are completely deaf can still hear tinnitus—can you imagine not being able to perceive any sounds, yet still having a constant ringing, humming or buzzing noise in your ear? Life has a fucked up sense of humor.

And when it comes to Joel...

Joel would likely be very sympathetic and understanding if his girlfriend was experiencing tinnitus and hearing issues. As someone who is also hard of hearing in one ear, he would have a personal connection to the challenges and frustrations that come with hearing loss. I imagine he would be extremely supportive and patient, always making sure to face her when speaking so she can read his lips. He would put a lot of thought into communicating in ways that work for her—speaking clearly, finding quiet spaces for discussions, being mindful of background noise, maybe even learning a bit of sign language. He would want her to feel seen and heard, like she's still 100% connected to him. If she expressed anxiety or hopelessness about her condition, Joel would probably share some of his own struggles and how he's learned to adapt. He'd reassure her that she's still the same person, and that a hearing loss doesn't define her worth. His gentle, steady presence would be a source of comfort and strength for her to lean on. Joel's also the type to help research treatment options and go with her to appointments. He'd be her rock through the whole process—whatever it takes to help her feel better. His love is unconditional like that. He'd find ways to make her smile even on the tough days, like bringing home her favorite comfort food or just cuddling up on the couch watching a movie. In his quiet, steadfast way, Joel would be her biggest advocate and most loyal ally through this journey with hearing issues. He'd show her that even with a different way of experiencing the world, nothing would change the love and bond they share. His girlfriend would feel so cared for and lucky to have a partner like him.

[ghostinyrmachine]

what fresh hells pt. 5

part 5 of my raphael x tav fic, this one is a little longer than the others so hopefully this slow burn won't take too long ;)

Tav decides to take a tour of her new home and finds it a little emptier than yesterday. But Raphael has to be lurking around somewhere, right?

________

Raphael x F!Tav

word count: 3435

sfw (for now👀)

When you awoke, you had a blissful few moments where you truly believed you were back at Elfsong. What tipped you off to your reality, though, wasn’t the much more comfortable pillow or the absence of your magic. It was the silence. That wretched, enveloping silence that seemed to cover you and all things like a blanket of heavy snow.

There were no companions’ voices groggily waking beside you, no clatter of dishware from the inn’s kitchen below, not even the sounds of nature that had been omnipresent during the first half of your journey. Memories of the past few days flooded back into you as you snapped open your eyes, finding yourself back in the resplendent guest room of the House of Hope. You let out a heavy sigh, tentatively testing the resoluteness of the palace’s silence.

Pleased you could at least still be heard, if even just by yourself, you gathered the duvet around yourself and swiftly crossed to the chamber’s massive windows overlooking the Hells.

So this is morning in Avernus.

Of course, you were unsure of how well you could gauge time beyond the material plane, but you hadn’t felt the slightly hungover feeling that accompanied a truly prolonged rest. By your estimation, your unconscious self probably only allowed you an average night’s sleep, the instinct to fight or flee outweighing your exhaustion’s pull toward oblivion.

Well, only one way to know for sure.

Shedding the duvet and heading to the bathroom to freshen up, you steeled yourself for what could be an ambush waiting for you outside.

If the door’s still unlocked, I’ll break it down. If I can’t break it down myself, I’ll throw Raphael’s beautiful, expensive furniture at it until it breaks or I do. Either way, I’m getting out of here.

You put your dry underclothes back on, cursing yourself for shedding your armor and weapons back in the boudoir. Without magic or any way to defend yourself should the cambion strike, you calculated the likelihood you could make a mad dash to the Chamber of Egress with merregons on your trail. Remembering Raphael’s words about no harm befalling you while in his custody, you reconsidered running.

But the archive, you thought, that’s my ticket out. The hall of mirrors will be locked down, but there’s definitely some artifact or information in the library that I can nick. Best to play it cool and buy the party some time to make the next move.

In the mirror, you saw a smile grace your face at the image of stealing another prized possession of the devil’s right out from under his nose. If you could pull this off a second time, you’d really have hell to pay then.

I wonder if there’s room in the clause for causing psychological harm by shattering Raphael’s ego. Just because he’s bound to the deal doesn’t mean he’s going to stop his little mind games.

You chuckled, exiting the bathroom and squaring yourself before the door.

Jiggling the crystal knob slightly to check if you were still locked in, you found the door swing open with only the slightest effort.

Now, let’s play.

---

The source of the silence, if you could call it that, became clear the moment you crossed the threshold to the hallway. The constant whine of debtors murmuring madly to themselves or tortured souls wailing for salvation was noticeably absent. In your companions’ escape from Hope’s prison, you recalled striking down the spectres in the way, possibly leaving few left at all.

Or, you reasoned, we just scared them off.

As far as you could tell, the hallway was entirely deserted. Odd, that the master of the house hadn’t stationed guards outside your door. Even with the rules of the contract barring him from harming you, did he really believe you’d accept imprisonment without a fight?

Maybe he’s trying to fuck with me. Leave the door open to let my guard down, make me compliant with his stupid little displays of hospitality. This is a test.

Regardless of his intentions, the lack of security emboldened you. Any leeway he allowed you would be happily accepted and exploited. And so, you set off toward the archive.

Footsteps echoing in the cavernous corridor, you took in all the detail you’d previously missed in your mad dash to safety the day before. Statues, paintings, glorious and garish decorations. The cambion had built this house as a testament to his power, and you couldn’t help but be impressed. You hadn’t had the good fortune to visit many museums in your travels, mostly just the empty temples of vengeful gods. Here, it seemed, there was a thoughtfulness to every design element.

There must have been some staff left, though, since any sign of a struggle had been conveniently wiped away. No scorch marks, no blood. Even the grime surrounding so many of the debtors and errant souls appeared to be cleansed overnight. The overwhelming stench of sulfur had lost its edge as well.

Curious, you thought, imagining the immense effort that would have been required to return the house to its full glory.

Your confident stride took a more leisurely pace, your attention pulled in so many directions trying to study this reflection of Raphael’s inner world. Where there was detail, there was intention, and any clue to what made the devil tick might give you an advantage in the long run. That, and the mansion was visually stunning. You would almost call it beautiful, now that the atmosphere of misery and humiliation created by the cambion’s unlucky victims had been lifted. In this new light, it was breathtaking. The debtors lured in by the tantalizing visage of wealth and status were fools, but even you understood how tempting this all would seem to desperate souls searching for protection.

You found yourself outside the grand banquet hall where you’d arrived during Raphael’s first encounter with your party. The dining table was reset, despite your battle toppling it just hours ago. Unable to fight the lure of the overflowing bounty, you cautiously approached the food you’d refused so many weeks ago. Though you’d half-assumed the platters of fresh fruit and warm bread were a mirage, you plucked a roll from a silver tray, finding it was still steaming from the oven.

Does he set this all out every day? Or is he looking to impress his house guest, you wondered. Now that would be rather pathetic. All this pomp and circumstance for little old me. He must be spiraling if he’s trying this hard to maintain his image.

Smiling, you tore into the roll. After confirming there was no nasty surprise inside, you savored each bite and began to compile a to-do list as you resumed your trek through the hallway.

First, I’ll have to check on the archive, make a plan to infiltrate if necessary. Anything of value will probably be off-limits now, but the archivist was easy to fool before. Earning his trust may be tricky, though. Must come up with a good cover before I start poking around.

Peeking into open doorways and scanning for any sign of life, you made note of any significant chambers. The secret vault you raided had been resealed, but anything of value had been in your companions’ possession before they escaped. Various balconies overlooking bottomless pits or molten geysers also appeared empty so far, meaning any remaining souls in the house were elsewhere.

Most likely in Hope’s prison beneath the building, you thought. The vacant, dead-eyed stare on Hope’s body flashed in your mind. You squeezed your own eyes shut, trying to block out the vision haunting you.

She trusted us. She saved us. All for nothing.

You felt each of your muscles tense, your chest constricting with the shame of your own failure. Every aching inch of your soul recalled the power you felt when she called down the divine to aid your cause. The blinding, radiant light that descended on your friends as the gods intervened on your behalf. It had taken the very last ounce of her will to set you all free, to give you a fighting chance. Though the guilt threatened to rend your heart in two, you made a silent oath to yourself.

No, she made a sacrifice. She believed. And I will not let that go in vain.

You released the ragged breath you’d been holding in.

Raphael will never get the Crown. Even if that means I take her place in this hellhole, I won’t let her down. This is my House now.

Soon, you found yourself before the shimmering barrier of the boudoir. You peered inside as best you could, the arcane forcefield reestablished to keep you out. However, the room appeared as vacant as the rest of the house.

Hoping you didn’t look too much like the voyeur skittering around yesterday, you quickly moved on.

Where the hells is Raphael? Shouldn’t he have caught me by now? He wouldn’t just leave me alone to poke around if he thought I would find anything useful. Bastard. Prick. Stupid fucking—

Just before you could launch into another internal tirade against your captor, you noticed a set of double doors a few yards away. Yesterday, they’d been sealed, enchanted well enough to make even Astarion’s lockpicking useless. You recalled teasing him about it at the time, though you all knew the abjurations were too strong to bypass.

Yet, today those doors were wide open.

Ah, so this is where he’s been hiding.

You sauntered before the doorway, pretending to absorb the intricate details of a nearby painting before glancing inside. Sure enough, you’d found him.

Sitting behind a wide writing desk, Raphael hunched over some ledger or log, furiously scribbling with a quill. Curiously, he’d adopted his human disguise, even had a pair of reading glasses teetering on the edge of his nose. Around him, stacks of books were piled high, some flipped open for quick reference. The room, evidently a study, was just as dramatic as its occupant, though less sterile than what you’d seen so far. Massive shelves of tomes and artifacts lined the walls, two leather chairs sat before a roaring fireplace, and a small bar stocked with whiskey and wine bottles was tucked into a display case to the desk’s left.

Whereas the archive had been kept meticulously by its librarians, this office appeared equally unorganized and lived in. If you were the betting type, you’d wager this was where the devil spent most of his time.

Its obvious state of disarray reminded you of your own home in Baldur’s Gate, a twinge of homesickness surging through you. Like Gale, you surrounded yourself with arcane artifacts and research, though your powers came from a more internal source. The common interest had bonded you (and Lae’zel too, with her authority on Githyanki and mindflayer cultures), as you all spent nights around the campfire sharing your respective knowledge in hopes of finding a solution to removing the tadpoles from your heads. Those memories felt so far away now, your connection to home farther still.

The curtains had been drawn, concealing floor-to-ceiling windows most likely, with the only light emanating from the hearth, a few candles burning low, and the bright hallway where you stood. Consumed in whatever infernal business at hand, your host hadn’t noticed you darken the doorway.

“Oh, Raphael, there you are.”

His head snapped up, clearly surprised by the suddenness of your arrival. Raphael’s wide eyes narrowed at you as he reoriented himself.

“Little mouse, sneaking around the house again?”

The performative nonchalance of his answer confirmed how thoroughly you’d caught him off-guard. Odd, Hope and the debtors said he had eyes everywhere in here. Whatever’s in that book he’s got must be valuable.

“Just taking a tour of the grounds. I hope you don’t mind,” you continued, arming yourself with a tone of cordiality. “Though I haven’t seen this room yet. Korilla’s headquarters, I assume?”

Your host brightened at your obvious slight. “Very humorous, Tav. You have always been so jovial in the face of defeat. If you must know, this room is my own. A space I keep apart from the boudoir on the off-chance I’m not mixing business with pleasure. I assure you it is rarely utilized.”

Liar.

“Oh really? Then I’m sure you wouldn’t have any issue if I had a look around. I am essential to your business now, it seems. And you’ve probably gathered by now how little I care for your pleasure,” you said, entering the office.

Raphael leaned back in his chair, visibly irritated despite himself. “Yes, I did notice you and your little friends dispatched a certain resident of my bedroom. Most disappointing. I presume you got to know them well before incinerating them?”

You let out an annoyed huff at this insinuation. Scanning the bookshelves (or pretending to), you answered flippantly.

“Not at all. Chatty for an incubus, though. Not exactly the trustworthy sort, either. You should be more careful who you share your secrets with. You never know who might be listening.”

You hadn’t actually learned anything from Haarlep, but given that your host had a bad habit of monologuing, you assumed the incubus had had ample opportunity to overhear something juicy enough to make this a dangerous prospect to Raphael.

“Oh, you underestimate me, Tav, as you so often have. Any information you may have gleaned would be scintillating indeed, but its value is highly variable, depending on where your own interests lie,” he replied.

You angled toward him, hoping to spot whether his face betrayed his slick demeanor like it had yesterday. To say his current grin was devilish wouldn’t do it justice. It was ravenous. Predatory. And wholly indecipherable.

You cursed the sussur blossoms on his desk for preventing you from detecting his true thoughts.

“The only thing I’m interested in is retrieving the Crown. If this deal you’ve made complicates things, that is another matter. Until my party defeats the Absolute, that will be my only pursuit in this House,” you replied carefully, studying his reaction. “I hope I’ve made myself clear.”

His handsome features signaled only his obvious amusement at your statements.

“My, you are all business, aren’t you. Almost as much of a tease as Hope herself. Now that her role in the household has been vacated,” he gloated, “perhaps you shall find yourself taking her place. Though, Haarlep’s position is very much open as well.”

The mention of Hope felt like a deep stab in the chest. Livid, you swallowed your simmering rage like a bitter pill.

He’s just trying to goad me. He wants to humiliate. Those transcripts. The “taming.” He’s a monster. Don’t give in. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Don’t rip his pathetic face off his fucking skull.

“Yes, it seems you have experienced quite a bit of staff turnover recently. I apologize for that. You must be utterly helpless without your servants. How long did it take you to clean up this place? All night? And you must admit, your minions never stood much of a chance against us. Seems you need to get your House in order.”

His smile dropped, disappointed you weren’t taking his bait to lash out. You both knew that if you did cause him harm, you might threaten the terms of the deal and damn yourself to this place forever.

You continued, “Speaking of, that archivist you have. The tiefling? He was quite willing to help us find the hammer. Incompetence isn’t very becoming for someone employed by a potential Archdevil Supreme.”

Raphael studied your face now, trying to gauge your intentions. “Very ambitious, Tav, how unlike you and your do-gooder humility. What are you suggesting? That I replace him with you?”

“No, no, nothing like that. I may not be a wizard, but I do come from a sage background. If I were to have full access to the archive, I could communicate to my party any infernal research I can conduct on the Crown. They’ll need all the help they can get if I’m not travelling with them. And Korilla’s intel can only provide you with so much. I could be a valuable resource to you.”

Smiling, you added, “If that is indeed where your interests lie, Raphael.”

He opened his mouth to reply but paused, visibly weighing any potential risk toward himself against the benefit of your assistance. You watched his mind search for what your angle was. There was obviously no way you’d let him unite the hells, but the temptation of getting that much closer to the Crown would be irresistible.

Finally, he said, “You have vandalized my home, pilfered my artifacts, killed my incubus, and disrespected me at every turn of your little adventure. But who am I to deny such a generous request?” He returned your grin with a venomous glimmer in his eyes. “If you want to spend your time here studying instead of bothering me, please be my guest.”

He rose from his desk, stalking toward you with a subtle intensity that chilled you despite the heat of Avernus. Advancing until he’d backed you into one of the office’s back corners, he raised a hand toward the side of your head and braced himself on the bookshelf behind you, his arm brushing your ear. The sickly-sweet odor of cherries and flame engulfed your senses, as it did any time he’d gotten this close.

Not breaking the eye contact between you, he whispered through gritted teeth.

“But if you should attempt any further injury to my person or jeopardize my claim to the Crown, know that I will sever your companions’ contract and destroy your mind, body, and soul beyond recognition. You will wish for an existence as pitiful as my debtors because you will be broken in a way not even befitting mortal drivel like you. And just when you are about to lose the last bit of who you once were, I will make you a spectator as I do the same to everyone who has ever known you. If you dare cross me again, I will erase you. Permanently.”

Pressed against the bookshelf, you stared up at him, Raphael’s pearly white snarl just inches from your face. But today was a new day. This time, you wouldn’t freeze.

“Adorable.”

His intimidating grimace twisted in confusion. “What?” he spat.

“I said, adorable. You said you’d burn a thousand souls to get to mine, but this is really something else, Raphael.” You ducked under his arm and calmly approached his desk, taking a seat on the edge. “I knew you wanted the Crown, but all this blustering about ripping me to shreds, you’re more desperate than I thought you were.”

He whipped around to face you, his eyes wide in disbelief.

“You heinous little—"

Cutting him off, you continued.

“You see, all that talk about torture and vengeance is par for the course. Threaten me all you want. You want my soul to suffer? Go ahead. I’m already your prisoner, do whatever you want with me. I have nothing left to lose. But you? You’ll lose everything.”

It was your turn to paint him a pretty picture.

“You touch me, you lose the Crown. You lose the Crown, it’s only a matter of time before the archdevils sniff out your power grab and decide you’re more trouble than you’re worth. I bet Mephistopholes wouldn’t be too happy to hear you were outfoxed by some mortals. Especially when he finds out you were trying to take his place. After Gortash made off with the Crown, he probably wasn’t thrilled to learn the thief was a former servant of yours either. Word gets around about your failure, and you’ll meet a much worse fate than I ever could.”

The fury emanating from the cambion was nearly palpable, the mere mention of his father almost sending him into a frenzy. His whole body had tensed as you spoke, his hands twitching with a clear desire to rip out your throat. The sight of him paralyzed with anger was more gratifying than you’d imagined.

Basking in his rage, you added, “You won’t need Haarlep anymore. You’re eternally fucked.”

Before he could respond, you headed toward the door. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some reading to do. Unless you'd like to discuss your predicament any further?”

Finally, you’d rendered the most loquacious devil in the Nine Hells speechless.

"That's what I thought."

Flashing him one of his own signature shit-eating grins, you left the study—and Raphael—behind.

[sunny374940]

Sleepless nights

Okay so this is a kind of continuation of my earlier story Orphans and foundlings (https://www.tumblr.com/sunny374940/769304394839818240?source=share).

Emmrich and Rook are dealing with a crying baby and also a bit with their feelings.

.............

Emmrich was awoken in the middle of the night by screaming. He sat bolt upright in bed, patting the space next to him to find Rook. But Rook was gone. Fear seized Emmrich's heart, as he frantically looked around the room to find him. But then, as his mind fully awakened, it clicked. He knew who was making the noise. He got out of bed and walked to the door.

Emmrich entered the adjoining bedroom and saw Rook pacing back and forth holding little Elanora, who seemed very, very upset. As Rook was finishing his next lap around the room, he noticed Emmrich standing in the doorway.

“Sorry, Emmrich, I know it's my turn to get her back to sleep, but she won't. Stop. Screaming!” Rook had to almost yell out the last few words to be heard over Ellie's wails. She was being cradled in Rook's arms, while he was desperately trying everything he could think of to calm her down. He was bouncing her, patting her bum with one hand and she was having exactly none of it. The little girl was screaming at the top of her lungs, red in the face with her eyes squeezed tightly shut.

“I fed her, her diaper's clean, and when I tried to lay her back down in the crib, she started crying and it's been getting worse ever since. I don't know what to do!” Rook looked on the verge of tears himself.

“Oh, my love, let me try,” said Emmrich, sorrow lacing his voice at seeing Rook so distraught. He opened his arms to accept little Ellie. She did not care for being transferred one bit and was kicking her feet in anger.

“Hello, little one,” Emmrich whispered. “What is troubling you, hmm?” He placed her to lie against his shoulder and started pacing the room, but there was no calming her. She squirmed and gasped through her tears and Emmrich was beginning to understand why Rook was so upset, as he was feeling quite hopeless himself. A thought struck him.

“Rook, would you hold her for a moment? Go sit with her, please.” Rook gave him a questioning look but he took Ellie and sat down in an armchair, which the girl was none too happy about and was letting them know at great volume. Emmrich quickly closed the distance between them and knelt down in front of the chair. Then, with a graceful wave of his hands, he conjured up shimmering butterflies, which started floating in front of the baby.

Ellie cracked her eyes open at the feeling of magic in the air. As she saw the butterflies, her eyes widened and she blessedly forgot that she was crying just moments ago.

“Ba!” She exclaimed happily. Rook and Emmrich smiled at each other.

“Yes, indeed, my girl,” Emmrich answered. “The butterflies are quite beautiful, if I do say so myself.”

One of them landed on Ellie’s closed fist. She looked at it curiously, going a little cross-eyed as she brought her hand closer for examination. Then, she decided. She put her fist in her mouth.

“Of course she would try to eat it,” Rook laughed, watching Ellie happily sucking at her hand. He looked at Emmrich. “And now what? If I put her in the crib, she'll start again and I don't think I can handle any more of that.” He hung his head in exhaustion.

Emmrich stood up, then he helped Rook to his feet as well. “Come, darling, take her to our bed. It's big enough for the three of us, I wager.”

Emmrich propped some pillows against the headboard and helped Rook settle himself there with Ellie on his chest. He lay down next to him and drew the covers over them all.

“Emmrich?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think she's afraid of being left alone? After being abandoned?”

Emmrich frowned. Thinking about the circumstances of Ellie coming into their lives brought him no great joy, though he was glad to have her.

“I suppose every baby prefers to be with their caretaker. But yes, with her life experience so far, it is no wonder she reacts so strongly to solitude.”

As they talked, Ellie's eyes slowly drifted closed and she was soon sleeping peacefully.

“We did it!” Rook whispered, smiling down at her.

“We did indeed,” Emmrich responded with a smile of his own. Then his face became serious. “Rook, I've been meaning to thank you.”

“What for?”

“You’ve given me so much! Your love, a home to call our own and now a daughter. As I’ve said to you before, I truly am the most fortunate man alive. All that is missing are rings on our fingers and-” He stopped before he could finish the sentence, turning his face away in embarrassment.

“Well, you have enough rings for the both of us, I think” Rook chuckled, oblivious, but he stopped himself at the pained look on Emmrich's face. “Wait. Emmrich, are- are you asking me to marry you?”

Emmrich looked bashful. “And what if I am?” He asked, never quite meeting Rook's gaze.

Rook gently caught his chin with his free hand, forcing Emmrich to look at him.

“Then the answer is yes,” he said and went to softly kiss him. “I love you, Emmrich,” he added, peppering his face with more kisses.

Emmrich broke away from the kissing and gazed at him with adoration. His eyes were glistening with tears of happiness.

“I-” he choked on his words. “I love you too, Rook, more than words can say. And nothing would make me happier than having you as my husband.”

[cultkinkcoven]

A few weeks ago Lord Hermes very clearly and repeatedly told me my career was going to be slightly shifting soon. and because I was so incredibly anxious about the prospect of that, I tried denying it. Oops much have picked the wrong tarot card 5 times in a row. Oops sorry Hermes you’re cutting out oof bad signal sorry. What was that? Career change? Idk what you’re talking about. Let’s not fuck with my finances pls ☺️

Well :/ It’s happening now. And it’s not as a deal as I’ve made myself worry it would be. Just a slight lifestyle change, a bit more effort, a couple more things to do in a day. I got the news from my work yesterday, and last night Hermes visited me to “I told you so” and idk why but in that dream I was very sour about it. and he said something along the lines of

“a few months ago you were begging me for new opportunities because you were so eager to do something new. I told you to slow your role because new things are coming and now that they’re here you want to go back to your comfy corner and do nothing.”

and I was like yeah, I know. I need a hard kick in the ass and some new motivations, a new chapter, new projects. I just get anxious at having to get used to new changes. What if I fall short? What if I mess up because I try TOO hard? What if it’s difficult and overwhelming? What if I lose motivation and get stuck again?

And Hermes was kind of like “you know how Im ✨super fast✨ and cool, and you’re like… really slow?”

😒

“Well that’s actually just a trick of the eye. Every time I roam the skies, I have to get to my destination in a timely manner. Very important business. But Im not actually focused on going all that fast. In fact, I take my time to enjoy the journey. Every boundary I cross, I do so leisurely, because there’s nothing to be gained from rushing and worrying all the time. I’m always in the space between spaces, I’m very comfortable with the discomfort that comes with it. I got so damn good at it that I got faster and faster every time I tried. Now I go so fast, people don’t even realize how slow I’m going.

Basically, I never told you you had to adjust to everything right away, or that you’re going to seamlessly blend into every new chapter. Appreciate your surroundings for once. Appreciate the act of being unsure and take your time until you’re ready to pick up the speed. You can float on the water or fight against it, regardless, the waves are still going to come. And regardless of whether or not you want to sink like a rock, the tide will still move you. You’ve already won, so stop worrying so much about losing, cause my devotees aren’t losers”

So… anyways… I asked Hermes to help me start a small business with my friends selling art and clothes. The new hours will give me some extra cash to buy supplies finally. The added exercise will also help my mobility so I can slowly build up my strength and not be tired all the time- which will give me the motivation to make art and stuff. My disability is worsened by over exhaustion but it is also worsened by stagnation, so maybe a better balance of moving + resting will actually be better in the long term. Plus I’ll have a better opportunity to source supplies after work on my way home. Lord Ra has really been begging me to get outside more while the summer sun still lasts, maybe this is the catalyst I needed. Maybe I’ll do a spell for abundance and courage later.

Thanks, Hermes.

[robotmechagirl]

Fem Friday #15! d=(^o^)=b

I think number 15 anyway? lol

Had to be up stupid early this morning for work and had plans for after. So I injected my estrogen when I first woke up. I know with certainty now that the estrogen is a strong contributor to the bubbly, flowery, feel like I'mma burst into song because the emotion is so heavy feeling. I also know it's nauseating to feel this way.

Normally I have adequate sleep and food so the nausea isn't bad, kinda fun even. Today I have neither had proper sleep nor nutrition, on top of being exhausted from work. This sug, is why I am now suffering as I am writing this to you. That's important context for what I am about to share.

For you see... I'm in a really weird situation.

I have two people that like and are attracted to me. I connected with them both through the same dating app. If they had been products of creation, then each of them would be a master piece of a human being. They both command my respect, awe, and my admiration in different ways. I cannot properly express to you how darling and dear they each are. If I thought that they would be okay with a polycule I would gladly date them both.

At least one of them is monogamous. So it's actually quite bad that things have kept escalating with both of them and I haven't really had a chance to sort my own feelings. It only happened because I kept thinking I got ghosted by each of them so there were never qualms letting things escalate. One had told me they were thinking friends with the possibility for more, so I was like... Cool, friends :3, and accepted a date from the other. But the date got moved from Saturday to this evening 2(?) days ago. Then things rapidly escalted between me and the one that said friends.

The one that said friends is person A. The one I got a date with is person 1.

Person A is one town over with a very busy schedule and my biggest source of insecurity with this is we have not set up a date. It's been thrown around as an ideal, but every time we talk logistics we simply end up not knowing. After so many long distance relationships this kinda fucks with me because it would be a process of probably me having to move again and dealing with the loneliness or distance for a while if I wanted to merge lives with them, which seems to be their intent towards me.

Person A seems to really really like me. They message me quite frequently now. We've talked about a lot and had deep conversations. They flippin' call me beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, etc... ToT We really do vibe and I feel myself caring very deeply about them. I'm sure I would be happy with them.

Person 1 is in the same town as me and also a very busy schedule. My biggest insecurity with them is they text so infrequently that I've actually thought I was ghosted twice before catching on that they just feel less pressure to text because they can simply meet me whenever.

When I asked my friends about going on a date with person 1 they kept assuring me that I was overthinking and that it was not unethical to explore my options, despite realizing the night before that person A caught some really deep feelings for me. When I met them for the date we really did vibe. We share a buttload of values and interests. The strongest appeal is that I can just see them in person and it makes me feel way more secure to know if I pursue this path that a tangible relationship will come to fruition. I could also see myself being very happy and content with this person. (Editing note: I felt like I was gonna keel over the entire date. Like legit worried I would faint and slam my head on something)

I want to disclose to both of them my thoughts and feelings, but I haven't figured out a way to do so tactfully and minimize hurt feelings. I want to communicate like a fucking adult and not tangle myself in a web of lying by ommission. They're not even comparable and it's not like I wouldn't be happy and content with either of them. Like god damn I just want to be loved and to love. I know I can't continue forward without some hard conversations and probably hurt feelings.

I am thinking I need to decide what I actually want because I'm centered in this. Regardless of whether or not I fucked up I need to take control of it before everybody gets burned.

Kinda fuckin' weird to be sharing this online with you, but I've been making it a point to publicly document my experience so that you can see the world through my eyes. It's impossible to separate my experience from the fact that I am a trans woman and you can see how that colours my lens for the world. I hope I am articulating well and making sense to you.

Fuck I feel nauseous.

[violetfoxsketches]

Wtf is going on with Violet's health???

I know I've had a lot of concerned moots so I figured I'd stop vagueing and give an update while I'm coherent. So, this started with the fact that every time I tried to stand up and do anything, my heart rate would shoot to upwards of 141bpm which is... not good. Especially when it leaves you exhausted after doing so much as making a frozen dinner. I went to the doc about it and we have learned that the source of this might infact be autonomic dysfunction (the system that regulates automatic functions like breathing and heart rate and the like is broken), and apparently my blood pressure keeps tanking suuuuper low and my heart rate keeps spiking for every little thing because of it, so now she wants me on meds to stabilize my blood pressure...

Unfortunately that means going off my amphetamines and for the past week or so I've been bodied by withdrawal symptoms as I ween myself off. I have been on some form of amphetamines for 2 years now to manage the chronic fatigue that comes with Long Covid. My primary doc was at her wits end trying to figure out what to do to help me and put me on these as a hail mary after a year of me sleeping 12-16 hours a day.

Turns out I am very sensitive to the withdrawal symptoms so while my body recalibrates, I get to deal with wanting to eat everything in sight, but being too busy sleeping 14 hours at a time to do much about it and waking up sweating buckets when I do find consciousness.

So, please stand by while I detox and wait to see a neuro about how we go about treating this newest development in my now three year battle against Long Covid...

[mmscribbles]

Back at It: Navigating the Final Stretch of Grad School

Hello everyone!! It feels like ages since I last checked in here. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's celebration filled with joy, laughter, and cherished moments with your loved ones! :)

The holiday season always seems to fly by, a whirlwind of festivities and family gatherings, leaving me feeling both refreshed and slightly overwhelmed as I dive back into the demands of the new year.

As you know, I'm currently in my final semester of graduate school, and let me tell you, the pressure is ON. Thesis 2 is in full swing, and it feels like everything is happening at once. My to-do list seems to grow exponentially every day: gather data, analyze the mountains of information I've collected, craft a compelling discussion that seamlessly connects my findings to existing literature, write a concise and impactful conclusion, and finally, develop a set of recommendations that could actually make a difference in the real world. It's a daunting task, to say the least, and the exhaustion is real. The weight of expectations, both internal and external, feels heavy, and I find myself constantly battling feelings of self-doubt and the fear of falling short.

To make things even more interesting, I have a work trip coming up in two weeks that will last for almost a month. I'll be traveling to Frankfurt, Germany for Ambiente Show 2025 and I'm already dreading the logistical nightmare of trying to juggle my thesis deadlines with the demands of travel. How I'm going to manage to conduct research, analyze data, and write while navigating a new city, attending meetings, and potentially dealing with jet lag is beyond me. But somehow, I know I'll get it done. I'm a firm believer in the power of determination and willpower, even if it means pulling all-nighters fueled by coffee and panic lol.

Looking ahead, I'm filled with a mix of excitement and uncertainty. What does the future hold for me after all this? Will I finally achieve that elusive work-life balance I've been dreaming of? Will I land a job that I'm passionate about, one that allows me to use the skills and knowledge I've gained during my graduate studies? Will I be able to maintain the friendships I've forged during this intense period of my life, or will they inevitably fade away as we all embark on our separate journeys? These questions swirl around in my mind, a constant source of both anxiety and anticipation.

One thing's for sure: after all the academic stress and travel, I'm craving some serious downtime. I'm eager to explore new places, both near and far. I envision myself exploring hidden gems in nearby cities, and perhaps even taking a spontaneous road trip. I'm also looking forward to catching up on my favorite TV series, those captivating narratives that have been patiently waiting for my attention amidst the chaos of my academic pursuits. And most importantly, I'm eager to spend quality time with my family and friends, reconnecting and cherishing those precious moments of shared laughter and conversation. I'm ready to embrace a more relaxed pace of life, to prioritize my well-being, and to rediscover the simple joys that often get lost in the hurricane of daily demands.

I know this is just the beginning of a new chapter, a time of transition and uncertainty. But I'm choosing to approach this period with a sense of hope and optimism. I believe that with perseverance, resilience, and a healthy dose of self-compassion, I can navigate these challenges and emerge stronger and wiser on the other side.

I'll keep you updated on my progress and share more about my plans for the future as they unfold. I'm excited to see what adventures await me after I finally cross this academic finish line.

Until then, I'm sending you all positive vibes and wishing you a productive and fulfilling week ahead! Remember to take breaks, prioritize self-care, and celebrate your small victories along the way. ♥

[radical-sainthood]

Hshhs yea. I wasn't increadibly familiar with the source but he showed up anyway. Annndddd now, as I am also a fictive from an entirely different source, a cursed crack ship has been realized. I've noticed that treating him like, you know, a fucking living being helps a lot. (even though he doesn't exactly know how to handle it and its adorable and I am unwell. I am trying so hard to not babble about the fucking bastard. /aff) Im just frusterated murder isn't in my pool of options, since, as you can probably guess, I'm loyal to like... attack dog levels . And just a litttllleee deranged. ANYWAY POINT BEING. Thank you for confirming my suspicions so I can help him better, he deserves to get better, I will help him get better, gods above and below WITNESS ME- *gets tranqued* (/silly)

Any way, as for the details. I'm generally unsure of the actual trauma, but I am aware of my own urges and such. You already know about the complexes I'm working with, but on top of that: urges to s/h when I feel i'm not doing "good enough" (I've been clean a while!! But the urges are still there.) I also will desire to be harmed in a sexual context despite hating that. Luckily I've determined that if I ask for that, it means I'm in a bad headspace and the activity needs to stop before I use it against myself. I also have been restricting food and sleep recently, which bitch boy over here (/aff), has been on me about.

We also can't really split organically, blanks just come and go. I wish you luck by the way, don't overdo it if you need to traumatize yourselves to split, it is very important you take care of you first and foremost.

Also: dgsyhfgesufgvyerafhrk >w< (praise is so good it feeds the beast.) And same to you, you've helped us learn things, you're doing a very good job!!! (/gen)

-🦌👁

Your dedication to him is very endearing, I'm glad that treating him like an actual person has helped a great deal, it usually does!

The urge to s/h for not being good is a really strong self inflicted punishment, we find ourselves struggling with it too sometimes. Though for a more complex reason. We also struggle with desires to be put in sexually harmful situations, though that's likely to do with the fact that we weren't allowed to say no. That's its own issue. And we'll often act sexually towards others, especially our partner(s) if we think it's what they want.

It's something we're working on, but it's a bit exhausting to do so. Restricting food and sleep could be two things: self-inflicted punishment or come from a comfort standpoint. An incredibly common form of torture (because it *is* considered torture) is to restrict food and sleep. We have been in our life, subjected to both as well as a few other forms of torture. You may be seeking comfort in this abuse, or reliving patterns without realizing.

On the splitting aspect, my hope was that perhaps if we waited around long enough, a fragment would come along looking for an identity. Unfortunately, we might have to let Florian front and handle it himself.

Florian is one of the few in our sidesystem who is trisharmed and trisgroomed. (He is looking for someone to harm and groom him but we haven't decided if we should allow him on this account yet)

Thank you <33 you're very kind. Praise feeds our God complex (ASPD related).

[holdinbacksecrets]

well, things have been weird... I think depression and anxiety has been hitting me hard this past week to the point of like chest pain, i think I'm very familiar with heartache lmao. I'm a senior now, finally made it to year 6 in med school, and currently in my first rotation, i don't know how to feel about that other than fear of my own incompetence and failure to compensate for it because I'm just so exhausted..

As for writing, i haven't done any for like close to at least 1 year, nothing, even poetry has been sparse, maybe max of 3 this whole year. It's like slow torture... it's like the first death described in black swan. I've been trying to plan a novel, but all i have is Pinterest boards for characters and a main idea of a plot and it doesn't seem that this year I'll be able to give it time because it's hectic and important and i also have my damn research on thalassemia patient's quality of life and whatnot.

Loneliness is suffocating as well, I don't know what to do with it, i blame it on adulthood and maturity, hell im 23 yet i feel like i have the loneliness of a vampire watching every loved one fade. there's not much to do about it. everyone's busy and i hate human connection as much as i crave it.

I thought by now you'd have relocated btw because it's been a while that you've been talking about it, also didn't you go back for masters or is my timeline of events wrong cuz trust me I don't even remember my name these days

hi friend 🤍

i’m sorry about the anxiety and depression. i certainly understand how hard both are to deal with. anything you can do to get even a little bit of relief? is therapy an option for you?

congratulations on making it to your senior year! that’s a wonderful accomplishment! i watch a few med student youtubers, and i’m so impressed by everything that you all do. it’s a fuck ton of work. is school a major catalyst for the anxiety and depression for you or more so other things you mentioned like human connection/loneliness? everything?

even if your plans for the book aren’t as far along as you were hoping they’d be, i still think it’s really cool that there are ideas dancing around in your head. they won’t just disappear either, so you can always dive back in when it feels right and the writing is coming. you’ll have to keep me updated on this. i feel you on the writing thing. i’ve finally been able to do some writing again after months of shitty work, but the longer it’s missing, the crazier us writers feel. i hope it comes back to you sooner rather than later. a year is a long time. idk if i’d ever write without music. it’s such a huge source of inspiration for me.

oh god… the loneliness. i’m so touch starved that i don’t know what to do with myself. a huge part of me wishes i could erase my dating experience last year bc absences following what that little supernova gave me are apparent as hell. i feel like my isolation from covid never really ended, and i’m still trying to move out of it and form friendships in closer proximity. hating human connection and craving it at the same time—felt. i consistently feel like i have to be a better version of myself first, but will i ever meet a version i’m satisfied with? there are always mental hurdles to navigate. do you have any friends in your med school program?

your last paragraph pierced my heart a little bit bc i too thought i’d be in a different city by now. i lasted in my grad program for three months. it was horrible. i took a class last summer, and i knew pretty early on that it was the wrong choice, but i still started the fall semester. i wanted to give it a sincere shot and not make a rash decision (i convinced myself it was rash but it was really my gut saying important things lol). maybe in the future i’ll go back to school and do something completely different. i kind of want to get an english degree, but the idea of doing another bachelor’s feels strange. i wanted to double major originally but didn’t. for now, i’m working a remote job i hate and constantly job searching for something else. i’m passionate about community engagement work and environmental justice, hoping i’ll find something. i still want to move to chicago. i’ll be there in september, and i’m hoping my time there will solidify feelings and desires about relocating.

[asdhoiajsd]

PODCAST (<400 WORDS)

Hey Guys! Welcome back to the seventieth episode of the "Easy News" podcast. I’m Doctor Wilson and I hope that you all are having an amazing, wonderful day! Anyways, after two weeks of working with a certain app, I can finally say that it’s one of the most revolutionary innovations that has been made in the past decade. It has also come to my attention that it has been recently booming in twitter and all other sorts of social media. Obviously, I’m talking about Epic - the app that has already made its way onto the big screen within only days of release. If you somehow don’t know what I’m talking about, Epic is a medical software that makes life a whole lot easier for us doctors by improving computer functionality. 

Epic is the kind of invention that only appears once in a blue moon. In fact, throughout the past two years of consistently making podcasts, this is the first time I’ve picked up a topic as big as this. While doing some research, I’ve come to realize that there are multitudes of benefits that it can offer, despite some minor setbacks. Firstly, it has a sizable amount of benefits towards doctors and patients. For example, it can reduce the mountains of paperwork that doctors are burdened with every single day. It is said that 43 percent of doctors experience emotional exhaustion - or rather “burnout” due to draining tasks like this. By doing this, it also broadens up their schedule and lets doctors have more time to meet with patients. So, this allows more patients to be treated and seen - a billion more lives saved. I myself have reaped the benefits of Epic - and it's such a life saver.

What’s more, what I’ve noticed is that it also provides doctors themselves with some advantages as well. With the use of Epic, doctors are provided with more accessible sources of communication. While this may not seem like a big deal at first, this can lead to some immense and lightning-fast developments which can lead us to a bright future.  Medical professionals can finally work together,  and create even more breakthroughs than we’ve ever seen before. In the near future, absolutely zero physicians will not be using Epic. 

Well, that’s all from me. It’s been a pleasure to be here with you all, see you next time! 

[thecpdiary]

Brexit and Mental Health

It's a challenging time for writers and publishers alike, navigating new regulations and uncertainties. The impact of Brexit on the book industry is significant, with changes to trade agreements and distribution networks affecting the accessibility and affordability of books.

For authors like myself, it means facing potential barriers to reaching international audiences and dealing with increased costs and complexities in publishing and selling books. The uncertainty surrounding Brexit has created a sense of instability and unpredictability in the industry, making it harder for writers like myself to thrive and succeed.

But Brexit hasn't just changed the book industry; it's changed all industries. It has wide ramifications. The UK got Brexit done; it's a tough time, it's a tough market. Research finds, one third of adults say Brexit has affected their mental health. (Source: bacpcouk)

The full impact of Brexit

Politics has inextricably changed, and I am tired of the fight. There is a mental frustration and tiredness sweeping over us. The full impact of Brexit and its connotations have impacted people's lives, leaving the UK with economic ramifications, political ramifications, social consequences, legal implications, affecting almost every aspect of society, of our lives.

As a result due to various Brexit stressors, mental health issues are now part of the landscape. There are many uncertainties ahead around the decision for the UK to leave the EU; none of which are being adequately addressed. A decision made on a whim by Prime Minister David Cameron, without a thought as to how Brexit could be successfully implemented in the longer term and what that would like post EU.

Economic implications

We now know Brexit has had a significant impact on the UK economy, leading to uncertainty for businesses, fluctuations in the value of the pound, and potential barriers to the UK being able to trade with the EU. There are also wider implications for the EU economy, with potential disruptions to supply chains and trade relationships.

Social ramifications

Brexit has divided the UK population, with strong opinions on both sides of the debate. It has raised concerns about the rights of UK citizens living in the EU, and EU citizens living in the UK, as well as the potential implications for issues such as immigration and border control.

Legal ramifications

Brexit has required the negotiation of a new set of laws and regulations to govern the future relationship between the UK and the EU. This has raised questions about how existing agreements will be upheld, how individual rights can be protected and how disputes can be resolved, none of which are resolved currently. We have never been more exposed.

Mental Health

We're now left with various stressors around these ramifications. But there is no health without mental health. Untreated mental health conditions as a result of stressors can increase the risk of substance abuse, self-harm, and suicide. With better mental health, we are better placed to deal with stress, manage challenges and make informed decisions about our health and life. Brexit has changed that.

Brexit: Stress is now not uncommon

The implications of Brexit are causing stress for many, particularly around the economic implications. Industries have been hit. And while we know, it is not uncommon for mental health issues to affect physical well-being, mental health challenges like anxiety, depression and stress are now not uncommon and are manifesting in physical symptoms like fatigue and exhaustion. Brexit has had far-reaching connotations for the UK and the EU, affecting almost every aspect of society and sparking debates about the future direction for both the UK and the EU.

External influences can sap motivation

Contrary to what the UK Government are saying, it is becoming more clear by the day that the external influences have shaped the UK economy with mortgages hitting an all time high. All these ramifications are keeping many stuck, as governments continue to leave us worried, and stressed on how we will cope financially.

The political conflicts of interest, resulting in mental health issues can sap motivation, make it challenging to engage in activities that might otherwise have energised us. This lack of engagement in our every day can contribute to mental exhaustion.

My books deal with mindfulness

This is where my books come in. My books deal with mindfulness. They provide inspiration and valuable intentions. They have the power to educate, inspire and elicit change for readers who are willing to be proactive on their mental health. Whether you're looking for ways to hep with personal growth, or ways to overcome adversity, my books can help you develop new perspectives, improve mindset, ultimately leading to more fulfilling and purposeful lives.

My books are a tool for personal growth and transformation. I hope that by sharing my personal experiences, my books can be a beacon of hope and impact people's lives positively. As an author, I will continue to write, create and share my stories, in the hope that they will resonate with readers and endure in the midst of this shifting landscape.

If you're interested in dealing with your mental health, and you fancy grabbing copies, you can order Kindle or paperback copies on Amazon and through the following link https://linktr.ee/Ilana_Estelle

For more inspirational, lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[flowergrownbeyondthestone]

So far most of the things I’ve written here were leaning towards being majorly positive and somewhat optimistic, but I think I’m going to ruin this trend today. Despite trying my best to preserve my energy and recharge yesterday, I woke up feeling absolutely exhausted today. Even before I got to work it felt like I had 0 energy available and yet I still had to get through the day somehow. That on its own is not great, but worse days happen. That aside, lately I’ve been wondering why after a long streak of feeling quite good while working 3 days suddenly my energy level seems to be worse again and even getting through these 3 days can be challenging. Today I realized that this is the time around which I started to actually go out and socialize more. Wow. Great. So apparently if I spend 4 days of my weekend primarily isolating myself I can function at work, but if I decide to do more then well… the good time ends there. Or well, I still have a good time while being around others and doing stuff, but I’m absolutely suffering at work. I basically cried like two times today already and I’m temporarily feeling like I’m less of a person. Working part time and still unable to have fun without paying for it later. Still having to plan everything around my energy levels, with no clear idea of what should happen in the future. I didn’t choose any of this, but right now it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m failing at life. I know it’s not really my fault and the circumstances in my life have been less than optimal for a long while, but… I so fucking badly wish I could just function on a normal level without a ton of consideration and pushing myself beyond my limits. There’s so much frustration coming up because I feel like I’ve had to deal with things on my own basically my whole life. Of course I had different people supporting me, but it should never be their burden to carry, unfortunately at some points it was. My family has never really shown up for me, not in an emotional and present way at least. It still fills me with so much sadness and anger, in a way I feel simply abandoned because even though I am an adult and technically don’t need them, don’t we all want to have someone that’s going to be there no matter what happens? Normally family is. But not mine. I have to carry my burden, their burden and at the same time somehow not feel like I’m falling apart. I can absolutely see a good life for myself, but not when I constantly need to worry about earning a living and somehow not becoming an isolated cave hermit. I just want a break. I didn’t even get to enjoy my childhood and now I feel like I’m drowning in adult responsibilities while only just learning who I am and what I need. I wish I had a place to go where I could just exist for a while without everything hanging above my head. It just really doesn’t feel like it’s an option though, I’m alone in the country, I have no alternative source of income, I have virtually no support in that way and my biggest problems are strictly connected to the practical life shit (aka money, energy and time). I need some changes but how the fuck do I figure out what my life should look like when I can’t even find a way to get advice from anyone and I sure as hell can’t always do everything alone. Especially not when it comes to such major decisions and not having anything to fall back on. I don’t know. I just want to be able to allow myself to be weak and tired when I need to. Meanwhile one day after getting out of psych ward and the worst mental breakdown of my life I was already back at work and pushing further, cause what the hell am I supposed to do? I hate that reality. I didn’t ask for any of this mess and now it’s all mine to deal with

(Update, an hour and a bunch of chips and tears later): I feel much better now, cheers

Not that the issues are solved buuut. I’LL LIVE

[cavefairy]

work (and also just. everything) sucked today wough. rlly rlly long vent under cut ig

tbh we shouldnt have even been open its a fucking holiday. it wasnt even that busy all things considered, but we were wildly understaffed (there was literally 5 of us in the entire arcade. which is the minimum we need to function. so already Not Good) and i was exhausted after staying up late last night. so i get there 20mins early, stop n chat with the person on dark ride (bc hes super nice and rlly good to talk to and i like working w him. he went home when i clocked in tho), and im having a decent day at that point. we had taken down the christmas stuff in the morning and toast had been extra vicious bc ig she wanted to play w all the ornaments n shit, but anyways. i kill time, then drop my shit under the golf shack counter and clock in. i havent even been in redemption for 2 minutes when one guy is like 'hey [person at laser tag] wants to know if youll head over to laser tag' and im like 'yeah okay' and i go over there and that person is going on her break. and the other person that was on laser tag swaps to dark ride. so im by myself, which isnt allowed, we have to have 2 people on laser tag at all times. so that... wasnt great. the other person thats supposed to be at laser tag was a few minutes late, but they were there in time for me to run the game that needed to start. so we're doing fine, we're alternating games, and then im like 'hey, im gonna take over dark ride when their shift over there is up' and the person with me just looks at me. and now im getting nervous like i fucked up. and they say to me 'well whos gonna be on laser tag then' and IM CONFUSED bc they were scheduled for laser tag and i dont understand what they mean. so i responded 'arent u scheduled over here' and they say 'yeah but i was gonna go to redemption with [person who had asked for me to come to laser tag] after her break'

and at that moment. im like. oh. we're gonna play musical shifts bc you two wanna work together. got it. so i dont argue it anymore bc i have a game to run and we cant discuss it anymore at that time. after i came out of that game, the guy who was on dark ride swapped with the person who was on break, and he went to redemption. so im still at laser tag with the same person. and we go back to our alternating games and talking shit abt the schedule bc HOLY FUCK. we cant be doing this with only 5 people. anyways, we do that for a while and then the person on dark ride asks if i can close it tonight. and im like yeah okay, i hate doing it but i can if i need to. and then instead of waiting until closer to 8 so im only there an hour, the guy that had started at laser tag comes back and asks me to head to dark ride at 630. so the person at dark ride goes to redemption, that guy goes back to laser tag, and everyone is technically where they were scheduled to begin with (dark ride is a 'you sign up for a shift during whatever ur scheduled for' so with me being technically scheduled for redemption i was also kinda supposed to swap out for dark ride at some point). and i hatehatehate dark ride. its loud. i need my earplugs in order to be near it. thankfully i usually have them, so i was okay, but i was running it for 2 and a half hours. 630 to 9, and we close at 9. it didnt go awfully, everyone that came thru was rlly nice and it was fairly chill. but then closing happened. now, one of the 5 people that were in arcade was one of the leads. i love her dearly, shes awesome, but she was scheduled to get off at 9, so she didnt help w closing stuff.

so the 4 of us remaining closed the whole arcade. i did all of dark ride's stuff, and gathered all of the arcade trash. and therein lies the biggest source of holy fuck i cried. because. not only is that like, 10 trashcans, but i kept running out of trashbags. so the first trashcan, it had soda in the bottom. no big deal, i just have to go dump it out and clean it (running a bit of water w soap into it and swooshing it around, and then drying it with a rag). okay, great. i get that, get thru a few more cans, and have to wash out another. the second one, i accidentally get some of the icky cleaner-water on my jeans and one of my shoes (my favorite sunflower slip-on vans). so that rlly just. put me right on the edge of my breaking point. i get thru the rest of arcade's trash EXCEPT for laser tag, and i run out of trashbags. all of them. and im like well what the fuck do i do now. so i ask the manager thats supposed to be closing us out (i like him, hes nice), and hes like 'go see if [place over by bowling area] has some'. so i go take 3 of their 4 remaining trashbags (had to grab one for the person who was cleaning the bowling area, she needed one), and take my 2 to laser tag to get their trash. lo and behold, a third trashcan i have to clean. im fucking DONE at this point. i cant do it anymore. my eyes start watering, im stomping into the kitchen to go clean it, the manager comes in and is grabbing something and i just. id started ranting out loud and tbh i dont think he minded i think he understood why but i was just like 'im done im quitting i cant do this anymore. i cant do it. today fucking sucked im done i cant do this' and then i started crying. the first time, anyway. hes nice abt it and he just gently asks me to turn the lights off when i leave the kitchen and its FINE its GREAT i take the now-clean trashcan back to the laser tag area and go to take the trash to the compacter. and man. there is a bigass pile of bags and boxes in front of the garage door where the compacter is. so i open the door to dump the trash in, and wow. the compacter is full. and not working. so i cant do anything. i go back, ask the manager, he says to just leave the trashbags on the pile and bring the big trashcan back to where it goes. so i do. and im upset and im done and im holding it in and he comes over to dark ride while im grabbing my bag and the walkie and he asks 'are you okay ?' and i just. snapped. i wish i hadnt said it the way i did but i just went 'no !' and the tears started up again. i was full-on fucking SOBBING at work. the person id been at laser tag with, one of my favorite people, she comes up to me bc im heading into redemption to put the walkie away, and she asks whats up and walks with me and lets me vent at her for a minute, and on the way out she stopped me and told me to breathe and talked me thru most of the tears and hyperventilating enough for me to talk clearly again. she hugged me and just let me cry for a sec and then made double sure i was okay to drive, and then we parted ways at the door. i headed to walmart cos i had to get stuff for my car (gotta change my oil this weekend), and walking around helped. i got a snack and things were alright for a while.

yeah. something else had to go wrong. abt 15 mins out i got a fucking flat tire. i live an hour from work. i was 45 minutes from home. and i stop, i look at the tire, yep its flat, and get back in the car to call dad. no answer. call mom, she answers. i apologized for waking her up, told her i had a flat, and she woke dad up to come take a look. she talked to me for the whole 45 minutes it took him to get to me. i ate my snack, told her abt work, and finally dad showed up. i let mom go back to sleep, and he looked at my tire, and yeah. it was unfixable, at least in the dark. hes gonna have to go rescue my car and take it to get new tires tomorrow (technically, today. all the car shit went down at 11pm. its currently about 130am). we just got all my important stuff out and locked it, and left it where it was bc we couldnt fix my tire. he drove me home, and here we are. im exhausted, im gonna sleep in tomorrow, and im gonna try to have a chill day. i cannot take another thing going wrong right now.

[neon-moon-beam]

Just going to throw this out there...

Ingo probably isn’t old/aged in Legends: Arceus.

This is just what I think, you don’t have to agree.

Please don’t send me your theories or headcanons; I try to keep to what is stated or shown in-game as much as possible, especially because a lot of people seem to want and need reassurance* regarding Ingo (even though this post isn’t exactly about that), and I’m just not too interested in being DM’d about these things from strangers. *I made a post with reassurance here, though it is subject to updating due to the recent content update, and in the case that a DLC comes out. Possible spoilers ahead.

So here’s why I think one half of everyone’s favorite Battle Subway muppets has not turned into an old man before our eyes. Some of this I’m planning on working into future posts about similar topics:

Just in case anyone does not know, Ingo and Emmet naturally have grey hair. This is a series where anyone can have any hair color, even though people do age and turn grey in the series.

Ingo and Emmet have never been given a canon age, but as of BW and B2W2, they’re younger adults, as in they haven’t hit middle age yet.

A goatee can take around a month to grow, depending on the person (I am not someone capable of growing a goatee so I googled this info).

We also see several older men in the game who have defined face lines. Ingo just has eye bags.

The bags under his eyes and his stooped posture are likely from exhaustion. Some people get dark circles/bags from being tired that can clear up once they’ve rested. It’s clear his memory loss bothers him from his dialogue with the player during the Scaling Perilous Heights mission. He barely remembers Chandelure, just that it was a fire type, and even uses the word “lure” when talking about being sure it could have guided them through the unlit cave. He remembers Emmet, but not his name or even that he is his twin, just a man that looks like him and loves winning. He almost remembers HMs, as well as remembers people trained and battled with Pokemon. He probably would spend a lot of time trying to remember more, staying up late or all night (aside from how in game you can go to the Training Grounds any time of day), or even awakening from dreams that seem more like half-memories. Not to mention just finding yourself in a place without knowing much of who or where you are or what happened would take a toll on anyone. And if you’ve ever been exhausted or seen someone who’s been exhausted, then seen yourself/them after getting enough sleep and cleaning up a bit, there’s often a clear visual difference. Ingo can maintain his attitude, but his appearance is subject to his exhaustion.

We also don’t know (yet) how his uniform got so damaged. Considering how Ingo usually is, it’s likely something happened to him. Maybe not his arrival, since he “found himself” standing and the Pearl Clan immediately found him. He might not have been in Hisui much longer than Dawn/Lucas (more on this later), but long enough to be seen as capable and trusted by the Pearl Clan. While the Diamond and Pearl Clans tend to be suspicious of outsiders, we see in-game how quickly they’ll trust someone who proves capable, reliable, and kind. One battle is all it takes for them to realize Dawn/Lucas keeps Pokemon in Pokeballs to keep them closer, not to contain them as tools, and Irida herself trusts the player as soon as Kleavor is quelled by them. Considering what kind of person Ingo is, he probably gained the Pearl Clan’s trust in a day or two. Also if Legends: Arceus takes place between D/P/Pt/BDSP and BW (as evidenced by Caitlin), then Ingo is actually somewhat younger than we originally saw him (and would have to be sent back to Unova at some point). So he might be younger than we’ve seen him before, just exhausted and refusing to give up his tattered uniform. After all, it’s the only tangible thing from his past.

[indiaalphawhiskey]

Hello India!

I would love to hear your opinion on the Louis dm thing as I always love to hear your thoughts. Personally, I totally understand the fandom frustration but at the same time its nothing new. Why is this the last straw for so many people? If you don't answer its totally fine, I'm just curious. Have a lovely day!

Hello, love!

I’m currently away with my family, so I’ve been getting a very specific streamline of information from blogs I trust and friends who have their own ways of verifying things. Also, I have no particular interest in exhaustively digging into info from every angle when it comes to stuff like this, so please know, I’m answering this question with the very limited information I have from a set of trusted but very like-minded sources.

I also can’t speak for larries as a whole, so I’ll speak for myself: why do I think this is the last straw for some people/why am I, personally, feeling affected by the situation?

Well, because every relationship (romantic, platonic, even parasocial) is marked by thresholds. We draw lines in the sand that, while not unmoving or unadaptable, still exist. They’re different for everyone (a red line to me may be a yellow line to someone else) and can be flexible depending on the circumstances surrounding the situation. But, each time a line is toed or crossed, it’s natural to re-evaluate a relationship and decide whether or not there’s personal value in staying. That’s the mark of healthy self-worth and a healthy level of distance in any relationship: being able to recognize that there are goal posts everyone (even celebrities we love and adore with all our hearts) has to meet in order to continue having access to our energy.

Now, operating on the theory that this DM is real, there are many things that we now have to come to accept. One of the biggest is that, if Louis does see everything that happens in fandom (like he’s said he has before) and still played a hand in throwing Larries under the bus (some would say again) knowing what kind of hate it would get us, what does that mean for Larries’ relationship with Louis?

Of course this question varies depending on the circumstances. How much control did Louis have over this decision? What was the justification for it? What was the negotiation like? Do the ends justify the means (like, if this is a step towards ending BG)? Was it necessary to deal with the situation this particular way?

These are all questions we ask every time both Harry and Louis make a decision we don’t agree with or that hurt us as Larries. Unfortunately, we usually don’t have the answers to those questions, and we never will, so the only thing we, individually, can decide, is how generous are we each willing to be with them?

Personally, Louis has proven to me, time and again, that he is a good person with a good heart and good intentions. Nothing he has ever done has struck me as unjustifiably cruel or intentionally destructive, and I maintain that closeted people cannot be blamed for the difficult decisions they are forced to make to protect their closet. Navigating how to survive an abusive situation is not freedom, and viewing it through that lens means that whatever decision that was made, it can never be said that it was made with 💯 control.

That said, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to be made the scapegoat, yet again. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to have being a Larrie diminished like that by one of the people we’re trying so hard to stand up for. By one of the people we take risks for, and insist on loving out loud for all that he is regardless of the mistreatment that love comes with.

And for some larries, no matter the justification behind the decision, those are their red lines, and what they do once those lines are crossed is a decision only they can make for themselves.