#special to me. get loved the way it deserves. its a lot of big emotions 4 me

[hertwood]

most kudos'd fic of mine in under 24hrs

[leavingsunsets]

hello!

I would like to request hcs (if that's fine with you, because I saw you're more on the fics side :3) for Kinro (bro deserves more love), Sai and Ryusui with a very emotional and empathetic reader, who tries to mask it by acting all cool and unbothered, but it doesn't always work well. I prefer it to be on the more romantic side, but I don't mind the platonic one! It can be either female or gender neutral reader. I will rely on your intuition and creativity.

I hope I explained everything quite sensibly and understandably. ._.

Have a wonderful day!

Ohh my gosh hello hello! I don't mind hcs as well, since i lovw these characters so much like mwah mwah mwah (AHEM AHEM magic man COUGHCOUCGHFOUCGH) but anyways im doing gn reader so lots more ppl can enjoy tehee. here it is !!

"𝙋𝙤𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙮 𝙝𝙞𝙙𝙙𝙚𝙣."

[gn!reader]

𝙆𝙞𝙣𝙧𝙤

Tbh i feel like Kinro is KINDAAA similar in the same sense?? like, all cool n stuff but hes actlly a real sweetie sometimes mwah mwah mwah. also ur right he deserves more love hes literally just a loveable guy

At first i think hed be surprised, like, all, "woah, uh, you good"

but then, i think among the three, isnt that fazed. hes around ginro almost 24/7 cmon.

but once he gets used to you he just stares when you get all cool and so indifferent then he goes "its okay to be sad about it" then you just start beating his chest bawling and he pats your back

platonically, thats what hed do. Like, hed just silently offer support while you tell him your troubles or thoughts. like nod along or put a hand on your shoulder in silent encouragement or just seem so cool while spouting out some wise words. (he puts a hand on your shoulder and you look at him, the wind blows his hair slightly, the light capturing him in a perfect angle. "i understand that feeling. i felt hurt when ginro laughed at the rip in my pants too" he whispers so coolly and you bust out laughing)

romantically, hed be more initiative in this type of stuff i think. like, if he saw you going away on your own hed follow after to talk. or be more nervous cuz this time hes ACTIVELY trying to cheer you up, like tryna be comforting even if his words come out awkward or something like that. "uhmm, thats bad.. uh.. do you wanna. do you wanna hug?"

either way, 10/10 this man will never disappoint, he doesnt, and he didnt. he is underrated and we should talk about him more def

𝙍𝙮𝙪𝙨𝙪𝙞 𝙉𝙖𝙣𝙖𝙢𝙞

Ohoooo. this maaan is likeeee. i dunno man i feel like he literally has the same reaction to every single type of person.

encouraging, supportive, and just a big big ball of sun

hed just pin you down as an interesting person and spout some compliments

even when you first meet and he sees how you work hes like "👍!!"

So lets say close friends now. he sees you go 'its okay. I dont care' and he sees you be all 'im going to dramatically sit on a rock and have a glistening tear down my face lit by the sun' and he'll like, smack your back 4 times going 'ITS OKAY MY FRIEND ITS OKAY'

Platonic?? just like that. how he treats everyone which is of course very special. goes 'hey, its alright. like really. im here to be a bud and give u some encouragement' and be all like 'DW MY FRIEND' and just even gives u nice talks

ROMANTICALLY?? kind of the same, but but but but. he litrlly goes and does smthng to cheer u up. like litrlly does the same as platonically, but later even when ur all cheered up, brings u to a nice place like a nice view. Doesnt SAY anything cheesy but ltrlly aheaeha RAWR ryusui nanami i cant believe you just took me to a nice dinner date

𝙎𝙖𝙞 𝙉𝙖𝙣𝙖𝙢𝙞

okay hmmm. idk depends on the intensity of it he MIGHT be averse?? Not entirely but as long as youre not bawling and sniffling i think ur good 👍

ok so u first meet right? and then he meets u 'oh cool person ok. rlly chill' then after awhile he sees you start sniffling over someones sob story and hes all like 'aweee'

NOT IN A 'thats cute' WAY LIKE. HES JUS LIKE THINKING 'OH THIS PERSON RLLY CARES ALOT THATS SWEET A LITTLE'

maybe that might be a bonding factor. Like, the fact that ur empathetic and soooo YKNOW, YOU

so like when u werent close he was all like 'ohh. ahhh wow. i see.' now hes all like 'haha theres my little gober gomble with the gummy goo' but he will never say that ofc grrr

PLATONICALLY. hes as goober as can be. literally being all friends friends with you and loving your company. like, actively approaches you and goes 'hey!!!! :3!!'. literally a sweetie yall talk about stuff and the whole time hes like :3 and all supportive and encouraging throughout whatever ur feeling, blue or yello, red or green.

fixes my bowtie. Now. ROMANTICALLY?? so this is only it does blossom after the platonic stage. he does the same things, except all 'hmgngmg omg.. its them...' inside now. More active tending to you in your moments, happy or blue. like cheering if ur cheering, fretting over u if youre sad over smthng, stuff like that. or angry, like going 'PLS PLS PLS PLS' holding you back from hitting someone on the head. literally just the same in platonic but hes so so so sooo in love with you and loves you, for being you, more than anything

_____________

WHEW and thats. yeah. thats it. Again i am so sorry for the disproportionate pics n headers EVERYTIME i literally crop them on my own sometimes n i dont know where else to get them. but yah i hope u enjoyed and sorry it took soo long :333 !! Hcs are easier for me 2 do than fics because they take less time and like, hmm, its not that hard since theres no plot planning or proofreading or anything like that. but yes WOOO ENJOY I HOPE YALL KEEP ENJOYIG THE RARE FICS IS PUT OUT IM SO SORRY FOR THAT TOO 😭😭

[avocado-writing]

hi!! ive.. gone and read so much of ur work in one sitting. its all so much to take in, IN A GOOD WAY, and i absolutely adore every single word

would u be so kind.. to bless my angst durge needs..

Durge Resist tav, was strong for all until the brain was finally defeated but now, with what she believed her only purpose/chance at redemption (brain), they can't help but feel utterly empty and,, unredeemed. They mourn all those they have robbed from this world, nameless, and countless numbers of people they robbed of the life that they were now being given the chance at living. Surely they don't deserve it(Is what they think..)

They are pathetically in love, and if they deserve anything, its to tell their special one just how much they are adored before casting themselves out of society (or taking their own life, if ur comfortable writing such things-)

Rolan, Dammon, Zevlor, maybe even Rugan if u write for that loser LMAO. just.. whoever u write for, its the tieflings i adore most ahegege

if this didnt make sense IM SORRY i havent slept in so long and sleep is not choosing me. i just crave angst, perhaps with a happy ending if u would indulge me so..!! thank u if u read this, so much!!

hi, I don't write fics about suicide, but here's the tiefling bachelors with a durge who's planning to disappear after the absolute is gone and giving them one final confession:

Dammon

senses something is wrong when you take him aside for a heart-to-heart.

it isn't that you avoid these sorts of moments per se, he just knows you only affirm your affections when something big is going to happen (you did it before you went off to fight the elder brain)

he holds your hand tightly, gets you to look him in the eye.

"I love you, no matter what, and I never want to be without you. tell me you'll be there when I wake up tomorrow. in our bed. swear it to me."

you can see the utter adoration he looks at you with, and you think: maybe you aren't so bad if a man like this can truly love you.

the next morning Dammon wakes up. you're not in bed next to him. he panics, getting to his feet - only to find you in the kitchen making breakfast.

he's never been so relieved. walks up behind you and wraps you in his arms. he loves you so dearly, and will keep on loving you until you believe yourself worthy of it.

Rolan

Rolan doesn't quite understand why you're having this great outburst, but chalks it down to emotions running high after the final battle.

says goodnight, kisses you, and heads off to his tower - he has a lot of admin to do after all.

the next morning he comes to meet you at the elfsong, only to be met with the realisation that you aren't there. he curses himself for not understanding why you were so melancholic last night.

he tracks you down. uses all of his resources to scry on you, grease palms with the money the tower has. he's up all night for weeks. Cal and Lia worry about him but he is determined.

and find you he does. manages to locate where you're hiding out, a little hamlet in the middle of nowhere. you burst into tears when you see him, and he just pulls you into his arms.

"come home with me."

you do, moving into his tower. and you never leave him again.

Zevlor

immediately knows something is wrong. takes you to a quiet place where the two of you can be alone and talk things out.

discusses how he feels like being a failure for breaking his oath -- but you always saw past that. saw the goodness in his soul. he wishes you would treat yourself with that kindness.

you begin to cry, softly at first, and then with sobs which wrack your whole body. he holds you ever so tightly.

"I love you. you are not who you were. you have strived to be better every day, fought against your own family, and always chosen a righteous path. you deserve to be happy. I'd want to make you happy, if you'd let me."

eventually your tears run dry and you look up into his face. his eyes are so sincere. he means every word.

when you kiss him, it's a promise: that you're with him for good. that whatever comes next, it will be faced together.

[yukidragon]

I wonder if Barbie was a singer and a performer in the AU, would the story go differently or the same? Would Bo be Barbie's "biggest fan" aka the classic crazy obsessed fan?

I assume you mean in the Mafia AU? That would be an intriguing alternative to their story. Of course, the life of a singer and performer is a busy one, which would probably be too much for Barbie to juggle with her crusade against the Blouin family to free her big sister from being contracted to them.

But hey, I made variants of AUs before, and the initial idea did come before I fleshed out more about the King family, and it does seem a shame to not involve them with the fun of living in St. Valen's... Why don't I explore a version of the story where they have a little family run business of their own in this city of sin and vice?

Content Warnings: This AU talks about dark subject matter like criminal violence, human trafficking, emotional abuse, child abuse, weaponized religion, cults, religious trauma, childhood trauma, excessive drinking, drug usage, yandere obsession, and of course sex. Chances are one or more of these topics will pop up as I ramble on. I'll try not to be terribly graphic when these subjects appear... unless I get inspired by some self-indulgent OTP smut ideas.

I might also use some artwork drawn by the awesome Sauce to illustrate a point or two, so I'm going to do a quick plug for the SnaccPop Patreon. Signing up not only gives you access to a lot of special works of art and audio dramas, but you'll be supporting the team. They deserve lots of love for working so hard on Something's Wrong with Sunny Day Jack, DachaBo, and Aphrodesia. This AU that blends the three together wouldn't be possible without them.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur @kurokrisps

With all that out of the way, let's play with some slightly different circumstances for Bo to meet his puppy in this crime-ridden universe, and Jack to get a little bit of sunshine in his life.

Not too much will change on Jack and Bo's end in this variant of the AU. I love the idea of Jack suffering from a form of haphephobia too much to drop it, but the way he'll be touched by sunshine for the first time will be a bit different.

The Royal Garden

The King family set up shop in the City of St. Valen's as a literal mom and pop joint known as the Royal Garden. Mama Lycoris has an eye for cultivating talent, and her beautiful husband is a well known singer with many years of experience. Together they set up a rather well to do entertainment venue that draws in a lot of up and coming talent in the area.

Of course, being the crime-riddled city of St. Valen's, they needed to occasionally get rough with the local thugs that tried to shake the business down for money. Lycoris might not be part of any mafia organization, but she knows how to take care of trouble and how to get rid of a body if necessary. You wouldn't think she was so formidable from her small stature and warm, motherly aura, so she catches people off guard when they try something funny with her. She makes sure the security in the garden is second to none, so nothing will happen to her family, anyone who works their, or her customers while they're on the premises.

For the most part, the talent at the club comes from the family. Since the Royal Garden opened, the star of the show has always been its lead singer, Ambrose King, who as given the nickname the White Rose of the Royal Garden. He's also been called the White King or the White Queen. He was very well known for his beauty and singing talent long before they ever met Lycoris, and he's unintentionally stolen many a heart over the years. Still, no matter how many people look their way, his heart belongs to his beloved wife.

On that note, I'd like to proudly proclaim that I finally gave Papa King a name - Ambrose! It felt very fitting to me after I decided that Lycoris insisted that all their children have the middle name of "Rose" in honor of their love story. She, being a flower lover, plucked the "rose" from his name and that flower has been the symbol of her love for them ever since.

I also gave Ambrose a bit of a makeover in picrew since I don't think the dadwear cardigan look he sports in the regular continuity would fit an alluring club singer living in a city full of sin and vice. I couldn't get the look exactly how I wanted, but here's something a little bit closer to the sultry look he might sport in this AU.

Alas, picrews are a bit limited when trying to capture the Aphrodesia style. Maybe someday I'll be able to draw Ambrose in a proper sexy outfit fit for this sort of setting. There are many people who have fallen for this beautiful singer.

Of course, since Papa King has gotten a bit of a picrew makeover for this AU, I should do the same thing for Mama King.

Whether she's called the Red Queen of the Royal Garden or its gardener, Lycoris runs the show, both figuratively and literally. Sadly, with the limitations of picrew I can't show her as dolled up and decked out in jewelry as I'd like, but she's a very classy dame.

While I'm at it, I think I'll see if I can get picrew to makeover for the three oldest siblings to be a bit more fitting for this AU. I know I already drew Alice in this AU, but with her backstory changed, she's going to have quite a different appearance. She can't perform on stage wearing second-hand clothes from a thrift store after all. Fortunately for her, there's no need for her to wear a Phantom of the Opera mask in this version of the AU.

Again picrew limitations confound me, but I think this gives a good gist of how this version of Alice fared a bit better than her sniper counterpart in this sort of setting. Just imagine this dress being a lot more glittery all over with some more jewelry accents, perfect for putting on a show.

Alice has grown up on the stage. Though she did face some bullying due to her weight while growing up, and even today she'll receive the occasional awful comment, as she does in the regular continuity and virtually every AU, the praise she received for performances since she was a child helped boost her confidence. She's a wonderful singer, just like her papa, and she's also surprisingly light on her feet, having been a dancer on stage before she started singing.

Despite the family business, Alice and her siblings were never pushed to perform if they didn't want to. It was always their choice on what they wanted for their own futures. Alice was always enamored by how magical and sparkly her father and the other performers were on the stage.

Even in this AU, Alice had issues with being nonverbal when she was very young. It took her a while to overcome those issues, even with therapy and using a puppet like Honey Bunny to help her find her voice. What helped her find her voice was the encouragement of her family, especially her younger siblings, who also have a talent for singing.

The Royal Garden is a very classy club that has two faces. During the day it's a fine dining experience with live entertainment that is suitable for all ages, though it caters to an adult clientele. The atmosphere is chill, pleasantly lit, and relaxing a place to stop and unwind for breakfast, lunch, or an early dinner.

Once night falls, the club is exclusively for the adult crowd, with neon lights, an open dance floor, a wide array of alcoholic beverages to partake, and acts that can get rather suggestive. Of course, the more racy acts are clearly labeled and scheduled so customers can choose to opt in or not on watching a far more adult show. The vibe of these acts is of sophisticated seductive elegance.

When the King kids were old enough to handle performing before a crowd, it was only to the daytime side of the club until they became adults. They all learned quickly that sneaking out to get a peek at the club at night was a bad idea and brought major punishments with it. Adults only means adults only!

Initially, Alice and Barbie were a duet, but over time they became solo acts in their own right. It was duetting with Barbie that helped Alice open up and enjoy singing on stage. Alice preferred to stick with performing in the day club, but Barbie switched to nights as soon as she was of drinking age and got permission from their parents.

Sadly the picrew that I used for Barbie doesn't have much in the way of jewelry or sparkly club outfits, but at least it can help convey that she cares a bit more about her appearance in this universe.

Both girls, as you can see, have slightly different hairstyles from normal. Alice has allowed her hair to grow much longer, and she often has it styled in fancy ways for her shows. Barbie stuck with the same short length, but gave her hair a blue-fade much like how her heterochromia fades from brown to blue. The dye intentionally matches her eye color.

Despite knowing how to play to a crowd, Barbie is still very much a misanthrope. She just learned how much fun it was to toy with people while on the stage. She can entice the crowd, tease and titillate with suggestive looks and moves that have given many a patron the wrong impression. Fortunately, security is there to remind the patrons that they can look and listen, but they can't touch. She gets a kick out of taunting people with something that they can never have and how desperately she can make her audience lust after her in vain.

Many a poor soul has tried to shoot their shot with the King siblings, but Lycoris is a very protective mama bear in this crime-riddled city. She strictly enforced stranger danger into her children and made sure they knew how to defend themselves both unarmed and with a gun. Among the security at the club are trusted bodyguards whose job it is to keep the King family safe.

The Kings are pretty well off in this universe. The Royal Garden caters to a pretty wealthy clientele, being a very upscale club during the day or night. There's a pretty hefty cover charge at the door, especially at night. Of course, the money patrons spend at the club tends to be from questionable places, but what person isn't dealing with dirty money even indirectly in the city of St. Valen's? Lycoris and Ambrose have certainly participated in a shady deal or two in their time, regardless of their feelings about it.

What happens in the VIP rooms, stays in the VIP rooms.

It's fortunate that Barbie has no inclination to date, especially not any of her lustful fans, or the overprotectiveness of her parents might be suffocating. Of course, things are going to change for her in ways she never expected in the future.

That overprotectiveness certainly got in the way of Alice and Ian getting closer romantically, or at least it didn't help the issues that got between them. Though more on him and his rocky relationship with Alice later, since I want to get through the rest of the King family first, and Ian deserves to have his new background fleshed out a bit as well.

While I didn't originally intend to use Elias at all in this AU, it'd be a shame to leave Coraline out, or for her to never meet her ghostly groom. I might save him for another post though, as I'm still considering what background would best suit him in this AU. I can stay that he'll be a fair bit more corporeal like Jack gets to be.

Really, when I think about Elias and his family, they'd probably fit right in to a criminal-infested city. Probably a family-run business with shady dealings and sleazy connections that Elias is trying in vain to clean up despite his chronic illness and the way his family treats him.

I can't help but think back to the conversation MC has with Elias in the game, where he laments his health problems and asks if medicine has advanced enough since his death that a cure was found. Multiple Sclerosis' symptoms can be managed with modern medicine, so he wouldn't be bedridden in this AU.

Now that gives me an image of Elias in a spiffy modern-ish suit with a cane looking dignified as he comes to see Coraline perform at the club. Maybe he'll look something like this dashing picture Shroomaz over on twitter drew.

It's kind of romantic to think about, with Elias managing to visit the Royal Garden during one of Coraline's rare performances. At first he felt kinship when he heard of her suffering from an incurable chronic illness like he does, yet she, like him, tries to live life. From there, he can't help but fall in love. It's as if fate drew them together.

Oh, and on that note, use this picrew to give Coraline a pretty outfit to perform in.

Coraline's acts are a rarity at the Royal Garden due to her poor health. Her specialty is more somber songs that speak of loss, heartache, and death, which never fails to move members of her audience. Though she does occasionally switch it up with much more silly yet still very morbid songs, which can be a bit of mood whiplash. She's earned the nickname of the Mourning Glory of the Royal Garden for her tendency to dress in black and choose such dark topics to sing about. This preference, plus her odd hours, means she exclusively performs during the nighttime hours. Still, she has very devoted fans, and one gentleman in particular never misses a single show.

Unlike Alice and Barbie, Coraline didn't perform when she was a child, though she did inherit Ambrose's talent for singing as well. It was only when her health became relatively more stable in her adulthood that she was able to sing before a crowd. She did practice with her siblings when they were younger, however.

Speaking of siblings, I shall now unveil the fourth King child thanks to this picrew. I've been toying with this character off and on for a while, including whether I should stop at 3 siblings. Still, this stubborn 18-year-old persisted and insisted on expanding the roster. May I present you with the dazzling Jem Rose King!

Jem would like to inform you that they are just as fabulous in the regular continuity as they are in the Mafia AU. They have an eye for fashion and love experimenting with their style.

Fun fact for this AU and the regular continuity - Jem coming out to their family and explaining what it meant to be non-binary and their feelings on their identity were what helped Ambrose realize that his gender was a little more fluid than they realized as well. Though still masc-leaning, Ambrose uses he/him and they/them pronouns interchangeably.

Another fun fact: Unlike their older sisters, Jem doesn't have a love interest from any current or future SnaccPop game. The love interests for SnaccPop average around mid-twenties, and if I choose to ship them with anyone, I would prefer it be someone a bit closer to their age.

That won't stop Jem from having fun though. They're quite the mischief maker, often playing pranks on their siblings and friends. I won't go too deep into regular continuity Jem here, as that's best saved for another post, but in the Mafia AU, they also perform during the daytime hours of the club like Alice. They would prefer to join Barbie and Coraline in the night side of things, but Lycoris is insisting that they wait until they reach drinking age. Jem finds their mom's overprotectiveness quite frustrating at times, especially since they're finally a legal adult, and the two of them occasionally get into arguments over it.

Still, Jem has their ways of getting info about the juicier things happening at the Royal Garden, and in the city of St. Valen's as a whole. Aside from their obvious family connections, they're very social, making friends easily with the non-family talent, regular patrons, and their peers. They learned quite a lot from watching Lycoris over the years and might be better suited for the business side of things rather than the stage. However, they just can't give up the allure of the spotlight and all eyes watching them shine.

Jem being a bit reckless worries her family at times, especially Alice. The oldest child has to watch out for the younger ones after all, which makes Alice feel responsible for the safety of all her younger siblings. Jem was the one most often caught sneaking into the nightclub while they were children despite Alice's best efforts to be the responsible one and curb such mischief from her siblings.

I haven't fleshed out the remaining siblings quite yet, though I am still inclined for there to be 7 of them in total. I'm letting the ideas develop slowly over time, as that usually makes them fit in quite naturally into the stories like Barbie, Coraline, and now Jem. It's also possible that I might eventually choose to stop at 4 siblings total. Regardless, I'm going to let these ideas simmer on the stove a bit more as I develop the family's story.

Religion in a City of Sin

As one might expect, it's not easy to raise a family in a city that is rife with crime. It can lead parents to potentially become overbearing and overprotective, especially if they've experienced hardship.

Lycoris and Ambrose are more prone to jumping the gun when it comes to their children's safety in this AU compared to the regular continuity, especially Lycoris. They're not the only parents who are overprotective, as Ian's mother is even more of a helicopter mom.

Ian's mother is deeply religious, as we've seen in the afterlife story. She is so obsessed with things being sinful that she's emotionally abused Ian, leaving him questioning whether his perfectly healthy feelings and urges are sinful. She will send her flying monkeys after him if he tries to leave her. And this is in the normal setting, just an average town in the USA, not a mafia setting where crime and violence is a lot more visible all around them.

Given that Aphrodesia has a bit of a religious undertone to it, what with cherubs, angels, priests, etc. I think that Ian's mom would fit the role of the hypocritical religious figure that is trying to seize control in the city of sin under the justification of having the moral "right" to do so, even if that means hurting others for the sake of her faith. It might be a role similar to Vaticus Arch, in a way - a shepherd overlooking a flock of faithful devotees. She certainly has a way of influencing others if she's able to send people to go after Ian in the regular continuity.

Admittedly, I still know very little about the lore behind the angels, cherubs/etc. of Aphrodesia, so I probably shouldn't tie her too deeply into this aspect, or at least not go too deep into that part of the lore. I mean, imagine Ian's mother as an angel with wings like Vaticus. That'd make her feel even more justified in weaponizing her faith against others.

Of course I say that, and now I'm imagining Ian with angel wings and how much pressure those wings and his mother's faith would put on him, especially in a city filled with sin.

I mean, in this AU we still have people with supernatural traits to them. If Bo can be part dog with special abilities, and Jack can have natural blue hair, then perhaps Ian could have angel wings.

Credit as always goes to the awesome Sauce for inspiring me and many others with this AU.

Aw heck with it, let's give Ian a pair of angel wings. Is he a descendent of angels? His mother insists that's the case. It's a mystery if she's lying about that, deluding herself, or telling some twisted version of the truth. The Duff family is divine and holy, as these wings prove, according to her.

Religion has been beaten into Ian's head since he was born, as was subservience to his mother, who wants control over every aspect of his life. Unfortunately, since she has more power and more followers in this AU, it's harder for Ian to escape her clutches or conditioning. Her influence as a mother and religious leader would be even stronger too with angel wings giving her this air of heavenly importance and divine righteousness.

This made things difficult for Ian to make friends. His mother was very watchful of everything he did and thought. In fact, the only time Ian really got a break was when he was attending Catholic school. Sure, the teachers there could be strict, but it was far less suffocating than his mother's clutches. As long as he didn't get into trouble and did his homework properly, he could actually enjoy something close to a normal childhood thanks to his school.

The King family isn't very religious, but the private school was a secure place with a good reputation, which was a must in a city filled with crime. A school with security detail was a must to protect their children.

Much like in regular continuity, Alice and Ian met at school when they were very young. Alice had a lot more experience with performing, showmanship, and taking charge in the Mafia AU, while Ian was even more of a wallflower. He was his mother and God's obedient follower, taught to do as he was told and to police even his own thoughts. Alice took him under her wing, and they became friends, with Ian following her lead most of the time.

Interestingly enough, Ian probably would be more popular in a religious school with angel wings than he would be in the regular continuity. Or at least he'd get more attention, though whether or not that's a good thing is up for debate. Kids can choose anything as a reason to bully someone, especially if they're someone meek who has already been conditioned to take abuse.

I can imagine overall the bullying Alice and Ian faced at school was less in this AU compared to regular continuity. Ian's wings and being a pastor's son would give him a mixture of admiration and resentment. Alice would be more prepared to fight back despite her kind nature when it was drilled into her since she could talk how dangerous the city can be. She wasn't afraid to stand up to anyone who bullied Ian either.

Unfortunately, it was difficult for the pair to hang out after school. Ian was afraid that his mother would forbid him from seeing Alice if she knew that they were friends. Alice didn't make it a secret that her family owned one of the most popular clubs in the city, and that was one of many, many places that his mother deemed as a den of sin, full of harlots and demons addicted to drugs.

Ian did worry about Alice living in that sort of place. Being a child so controlled by his mother, he did believe much of what his mother told him. Some cults even go as far as to teach their kids to proselytize the religion and convert their peers into believers, otherwise they can't play with them. Ian did try to do what his mother wanted, but he was always too shy to pull off converting anyone to his mother's brand of faith. Every time he mustered up the courage to try with Alice, she would shut down the topic and switch to something else so they could just enjoy playing like normal children instead.

It wasn't easy for Ian to sneak away from his mother's watchful eye outside of school, but he did manage to visit the Royal Garden a number of times over the years. He only ever saw the club during the day, bright and clean, totally the opposite of what he was supposed to expect of such a place. There were no drugs, no sex, nothing untoward, just delicious food, a comfortable atmosphere, and entertainment.

It did leave Ian questioning his mom's teachings in spite of his indoctrination. He tried not to think too hard about it because such doubts were "sinful," but his friendship with Alice and her family helped expand his world.

For a place supposedly made for sin, the Royal Garden felt far more welcoming and relaxing than his own home. Ian especially adored the shows that performed at there. It was amazing! There were singers, musicians, magicians, actors, dancers, and all sorts of performances that rotated through day after day. It enchanted him, and the way all eyes looked at the performers with admiration, but not that crazed desperate zeal like at home or the church... it made him envious in spite of himself.

It was on a day when Alice performed while Ian was there that he fell in love with her. She always shone brightly to him, being his hero at school against all the bullies, but on the stage she was truly a star. Her voice was magical, and he was spellbound.

Lycoris and Ambrose were warm and welcoming to their children's friends, but also wary behind their smiles. They were aware of Ian's mother and the cult she was steadily growing. Granted, her group were no worse than some of the other patrons that visited on the regular, but the pair were cautious with whoever their children interacted with.

Still... Ian's meek, beaten down personality did win the hearts of the King family. He was like a wounded puppy left out in the rain. Lycoris and Ambrose helped in what ways they could, giving Ian an open invitation to the day club to allow him a reprieve from his overbearing mother for a while.

Unfortunately, dating was something of an issue. Ian couldn't go out on a date publicly, not even to a school dance, unless it was with someone his mother approved of. With her strict criteria, such a person probably didn't even exist. Alice was someone his mother would never approve of, especially if his mother knew that Alice also performed at the club. It's guilty until proven innocent in his mother's eyes, and only she defines what is pure and innocent in her world.

As we've seen from afterlife mode, Ian was taught by his mother that lustful thoughts are sinful. No doubt this got especially ground into him when he hit puberty, and doubly so when she realized that he was close to someone. Hell, she might have even realized Ian had a crush on MC and that fueled her manipulation.

Naturally, in this sort of setting where Ian's mother is even more controlling and oppressive with her religious teachings, with a following of people fueling her power trip, if she caught wind that her son had a crush on someone, she's going to start beating that bible over his head harder than ever. It doesn't matter if he's a child in puppy love who innocently thinks that couples kiss and nothing more. Such desires are still sinful in her eyes.

Given how little Ian's mother cares about his boundaries, his privacy is virtually nonexistent. Once her boy hits puberty, she's prying into his relationships, who his friends are, and who is tempting her boy to sin. When she identifies Alice as Ian's friend and figures out who the King family is... well, she's not going to approve, to say the least.

Man, imagine if Ian crushed on a MC who was tied to a crime family, and maybe even actively participated in criminal activities. His mother's head would probably explode!

As it is, a club like the Royal Garden is a den of sin, and it's up to the truly faithful to save those lost lambs from sin, according to his mother and her congregation. The Kings aren't necessarily outside the realm of being saved, and perhaps their popularity could be useful to bring more wayward souls to the church if they could be properly converted.

Ian is pressured even harder to proselytize to anyone whose faith is weak in his mother's eyes, especially Alice and her family. Clearly the catholic school wasn't as good as she believed it was if it was allowing non-believers to remain unfaithful even within its halls. His mother used her connections to the school and its church to put a more watchful eye over Ian, stripping away more of what little freedom he had by pushing the teachers to be stricter with him too.

It would be tragic if Ian never fully escaped his mother's grasp in this universe, his thoughts only growing more warped by her teachings as he grew older. He could even serve as an interesting antagonist to criminals like Jack. Still, not without hope of breaking free of his mother's chains.

The relationship between Ian and Alice became more strained the older they got. He was pressured more and more to not think "sinful" thoughts and to make sure he only surrounded himself with those who were truly faithful. Being with Alice created a complicated push and pull in his mind, as her friendship was important to him, too important for him to let go of, but he felt guilty for his feelings towards her and for being friends with someone who didn't share his faith.

The potential push and pull could be even more complicated and twisted if MC was intentionally trying to tempt and "corrupt" Ian. Not to get too lost in the weeds here of different MC possibilities, but I can see this being an opportunity for some MCs to have a very spicy antagonistic enemies who are lovers relationship that leads Ian to feel guilty afterwards, but also lustful and loving on MC.

Alice had strong feelings for Ian that she hadn't quite realized had crossed the line from friendship into crush. Unfortunately, things would never develop to allow her to realize or act on these feelings. She can only open up to someone romantically if she feels like she can trust that person. It doesn't help that her overprotective parents steer her away from dating, especially someone who is as troubled as Ian is.

Still, Alice sympathizes that Ian is in a bad situation with a toxic home life, even if he couldn't accept that as the truth due to the conditioning from his mother that his life is "good." Alice wanted to help him as much as she could, even though their friendship was very stressful on her. She couldn't bring herself to just give up on a friend.

Unfortunately for Ian's mother, Alice wasn't going to convert to the faith. On Ian's urging, Alice did attend church with him once, to give it a chance for his sake, but she was incredibly uncomfortable the entire time. The teachings of brimstone and damnation, the urging to confess sins, and the oppressive atmosphere were bad enough, but his mother made a spectacle of her in a way that was very unlike the stage shows. It was with the intent to pressure her to convert, to be baptized and accept their teachings in front of an entire congregation of devout followers. It was a pretty scary experience for a young teen.

Fortunately for Alice, Lycoris wasn't about to let her daughter go there alone or let her daughter be pressured into joining any cult. Both mothers clashed in the middle of the church with verbal barbs. Ian's mother veiled her attacks beneath a righteous air of saving ignorant sinners from salvation. Lycoris was civil at first, but soon was direct with her disdain for the pastor, throwing many choice words with very colorful language before ending the interaction by calling Ian's mother a psycho bitch as she took Alice home despite the pressure from the congregation.

Depending on how zealous the church is in St. Valens, things might have escalated beyond words in some way. I'll have to look more into Aphrodesia's lore on this point to get more ideas on how to go deeper. Regardless, the congregation was certainly not on Lycoris or Alice's side, and the entire situation was very hostile.

Needless to say, this incident didn't earn Alice any points with Ian's mother.

In the regular continuity, the relationship between Lycoris and Ian's mother is civil enough, though with the occasional subtle snipe. In the Mafia AU, it became openly antagonistic from that incident onward.

Ian's mother felt that she had been humiliated in front of her congregation. Even though she spun it as entirely the fault of the "sinners they tried to save," it was a blow to her ego. She would make it a habit to harass the King family and the Royal Garden whenever possible, most often by having devotees try to redirect potential customers to the church instead of the club. Of course, the Kings won't just take this interference lightly and chase away these nut jobs whenever they show their mouthy faces.

After that, Ian was forbidden from being friends with Alice until she was a true believer in their faith, just like him. His mother's tighter control over Ian prevented him from ever acting on his romantic feelings in this AU, even feeling guilty for having them. Ian is still struggling with following his heart and his mother's teachings at the same time, even though they conflict with one another. Alice's compassion in reaching out to help him has led to her getting burned more than once, with Ian constantly apologizing both to her and his mother for never doing anything right.

Now as adults, Ian has a bit more freedom, but only because he's shown himself to be a devout follower of his mother. It leads to some pretty unpleasant confrontations between him and the "sinners" of St. Valen's.

Man, I did not realize I would go on such a long tangent about Ian's backstory in this version of the AU. Shows where rambling takes me, huh? Hahahaha. Anyway, let's move on to the next character shall we?

Cat Papa and Baby

I mentioned way back in the initial AU ramble that I imagined Shaun as the owner of a cat-themed night club. I considered changing it in this variant of the AU, as it might be redundant, but then I realized that it'd be interesting that he's in charge of a rival business. This one is purely a nightclub, with raves, a goth theme, and very sexy acts. There are stripper shows and other type of spicy things that make it exclusively an adults only club.

I will change the idea that it was a family-run business though. Shaun created it all himself from the ground up, though he did inherit money that he used to get the business started from his late parents. His very religious uncle Abraham greatly disapproves of Shaun's line of work in this universe as well, and often claims his parents are rolling in their graves because of it.

Shaun hates that he's at odds with his uncle. Fortunately he has friends like Olivia to support him. He also has his baby girl Moon Pie who is just a little less fuzzy in this universe.

Yup, I had to use this absolutely adorable human version of Moon Pie that Sauce drew in this AU. Bo gets to have his fuzzy ears and tail outside of a computer screen, so Moon Pie gets to have opposable thumbs and can talk to her papa.

I imagine her adoption was something entirely accidental. Moon Pie was an orphan just surviving on the streets, when she ran into Shaun. Shaun, of course, couldn't just leave this blind little baby to fend for herself all alone in such a cruel city. They came across one another not too long after Shaun lost his parents to gang violence, and it seemed Moon Pie lost her parents in a similarly sudden and violent manner. It was a shared pain they bonded over, which eventually led to them forming their own family.

Moon Pie doesn't talk much about her past before meeting Shaun, as she was fairly young when he found her and a lot of those memories were suppressed. Initially a shy and uncertain child, she grew more confident and flourished under Shaun's care. When she called him papa, his heart melted, and he realized that this little girl would now and forever always have him wrapped around her little finger. He's the proudest papa in the world if you ask him, and he brags about his little baby every chance he gets.

Like Bo, Moon Pie is the result of scientific experiments mixing human and animal DNA to make obedient "pets" of sort to work for some pretty heinous criminals. It's unknown if she escaped the lab with the help of her bio-parents, if she was born after they escaped, or some other similarly dark scenario. In a way, it's a good thing that Moon Pie doesn't remember much.

Moon Pie's senses are exceptional, save for her eyes. She's not completely blind, as she can detect some light, but for the most part the world is as gray and fuzzy as the fur on her adorable ears and tail. She is surprisingly good at handling the world around her thanks to her other finely tuned senses, though she is pretty sensitive around exceptionally strong sounds and smells. More than once she's expressed her displeasure at her papa smelling weird after a night out at the club.

Of course, Moon Pie knows next to nothing about what goes on at the club, just that her papa has to go out most nights to work. She has a very nice nanny to watch her during those nights, and Shaun makes sure she's happy, healthy, and even a little bit spoiled by his doting on her.

Shaun loves Moon Pie more than anyone else in the world, and if anyone hurt her he would make them pay. He loves her so much that when thinking of names for his club, he was inspired by her and how much her presence brightened up his life. The Blind Feline seemed to be a purrfect tribute to his love for his daughter, even if she's way too young to ever set one paw in the place.

Admittedly, I might wind up changing the name of the club if I come up with something I like better, but there's no way it isn't cat themed. Also, I really like the idea that Moon Pie helped Shaun choose and/or inspired the name in some way.

Anyway, before Shaun started the club or adopted Moon Pie, he went to various clubs around the city to get a sense of what he needed to start his own club. He even worked at a couple of them. Really, he's been going to clubs since he was a teenager because he loves the vibes and the fun he has. He's been to the Royal Garden both during the day and the night, and although he prefers the night time action, he did wind up making a friend in the day club.

Shaun got a job at the Royal Garden for a short stint, not as an entertainer but doing various jobs ranging from clean up to serving meals. This allowed him to interact with the entertainers and make some connections that he hoped would entice them to do shows at his club when he finally set it up.

In the process of this, Shaun and Alice got to interact. They hit it off right away and became good friends, with Shaun soon developing a crush on Alice. Watching her perform in a gorgeous outfit with a beautiful singing voice left him smitten. He did admit to her his dream of starting up a night club and "jokingly" asked her to be his headline act. It was a pretty clumsy ask, with lots of fumbling, so Alice didn't take it all that seriously, especially since he was already aware of how much value Alice put in her family. She playfully turned down the offer of being the star of his club and they laughed the whole thing off. Though it was disappointing for Shaun, he understood her decision, especially when he suddenly gained a family of his own.

Still, Alice does perform at Shaun's club on occasion, particularly in the beginning to help him get his business off the ground. Her family isn't going to stop her from making friends, connections, and living her life. Performing at the Blind Feline was a totally different experience than the Royal Garden, even at night, and the more sexually charged atmosphere made her feel uneasy being the center of attention. Fortunately, Shaun always went out of his way to make sure she would be safe at the club and never feel pressured to do or see anything that made her uncomfortable. Thanks to him she was able to enjoy her time there helping out a friend. Naturally, Shaun insisted to pay her for every show she performed.

Of course, a more overtly sexual club would be seen even more unfavorably by the local religious organizations. Ian wouldn't have grown up with Shaun, so his feelings are less conflicted than they are with Alice and her family. Ian wouldn't even think about that club at all for fear of corruption if he didn't find out about Alice performing there. It made him fearful that Shaun was tempting her down the path of sin and debauchery, which led to more than one altercation between the two men. Alice would have to play peacekeeper, though it would always be an uneasy peace.

Needless to say, Shaun and Ian are anything but friends in this AU.

Shaun still occasionally stops by the Royal Garden, but during the day when Alice is performing. It's a great opportunity for him to have some daddy-daughter bonding by bringing Moon Pie along. He also gets to show off just how adorable his little girl is.

The Blind Feline becomes pretty popular for its distinct style and at times very spicy acts. A couple performers even made a name for themselves there, which included Nick.

Alluring Nights

Yes, Nick is a dom by night in this universe too. The Blind Feline offered him his first big break that got him a lot of positive attention from a very devoted following. His performances get very explicit, but he's always in control.

Of course, behind the scenes Nick is a lot more shy than the front he puts up before the crowd. It's almost like he's two people sometimes. He became good friends with Shaun over time, and of course he wound up meeting Alice there on a night when she was performing.

Poor guy can control a thirsty crowd but gets tongue tied in front of the cute lady with the sweet smile and beautiful voice. He's barely managed a few awkward interactions with her that haven't yet left an impression with her beyond the thought that he seems nice.

Nick wasn't the only one who became aware of Alice because of her occasional performances at the Blind Feline.

Jack isn't one to go out to clubs all that often, or public spaces in general outside of business meetings and public appearances. When the touch of other human beings feels like bugs crawling underneath one's skin, a person will usually try to avoid people.

Still, Jack can appreciate a good show, and there are times when certain business partners insist on having their business meetings take place somewhere with a crowd around. It was one such instance that brought Jack to the Blind Feline that night when Alice performed.

Her voice enchanted Jack, as it had many others. He assumed what drew him to Alice was mere intrigue, a random whim that kept drawing his thoughts back to her even after her performance ended. The person he was doing business with was also interested in Alice... but for far more blatantly carnal reasons.

The business partner appreciated Alice's singing and appearance, but was disappointed in her performance style to say the least. All the acts at this club had some spice to them, showed skin and offered the possibility of more personal attention to the customers if the price was right. Alice's performances are far more tame and modest by comparison. It was almost like a tease in and of itself that this person took as a challenge.

Jack was aware of how this person's "interest" could be dangerous for someone. It didn't sit right with him to do nothing, especially when it involved someone who caught his attention like Alice did, but he also had to keep in mind that politics in St. Valens could be delicate and lead to a lot of blood being shed. This partner was still someone the Blouin family needed for business, regardless of their hobbies. It certainly wasn't the first time he had to work with unsavory characters, and won't be the last.

When the partner insisted on going to see Alice personally, Jack cheerfully came along to ensure things didn't go out of hand.

Alice wasn't a stranger to being hit on, especially after a show. She had plenty of experience in turning people down. It was at least funny for Jack to see the partner grow more and more flustered by such flat refusal from Alice. Jack found himself more and more entertained by Alice as time went on, but he did try to deescalate the situation.

The business partner's continued persistence made Alice feel unsafe and uncomfortable. She tried to excuse herself, but the business partner just got more forceful, offended by her refusal, which was Jack's cue to cut in.

Unfortunately, Jack underestimated just how worked up this particular business partner would get, and it led to a mild scuffle that led to Alice falling into Jack's arms.

Jack didn't want to actually touch Alice, or anyone. He never intended to let things get this far. Alice had grabbed onto his exposed wrist with her bare hand to stop herself from falling and...

Alice was warm. Her touch wasn't cold, slimy, and crawly. It didn't feel like his nerves were distorting into static until Jack felt like tearing his skin off to escape the sensation. In fact, her hand was delicate, soft and sensual, and he found himself reeling from the sensation even after she got back up on her feet and scampered away from them both.

Jack was stunned, but he couldn't be still for long, as the partner was raging, and probably a bit tipsy. Security of course was starting to sniff around, which made things incredibly complicated. Jack was forced to deescalate things and leave, rather than risk violence breaking out. Though he could handle his own easily, especially with his right hand Bo waiting for his signal, but he didn't want to risk Alice getting caught in the crossfire should bullets start flying.

Jack was obsessed with Alice after that. He had Bo tail her, find out all about her, where she lived, her family, friends, schedule etc. He found out about the Royal Garden, and made sure to start paying the day club a visit on a regular basis whenever she was scheduled to perform.

Before Jack became a regular at the Royal Garden, Bo made sure to scope out the club, both its daytime face and its nighttime sides. While Jack would only be interested in a certain show during the dayclub, it was what Bo found at the nightclub that drew him in.

Clubs like the Blind Feline were the type of scene Bo liked, hot, spicy, and stinking of sex. He loved to watch strippers and get lap dances. He visited virtually every club in the city that had a very adult night life and had his fair share of trysts with adult entertainers.

Bo had visited the Royal Garden's nightclub in the past, though briefly. The spicy acts at this club were far too mild for a wild dog like him, and other places had a lot more heat to feed his lustful desires.

That changed when Bo saw Barbie perform. She had a fire in her eyes and a commanding presence that made it impossible to look away from her. Her scent enticed him and her voice was beautiful. Her sensual movements and provocative poses enticed him a way that no other performer ever had even without their clothes.

Even after Bo's job of casing the club was done, he kept coming back to see Barbie. Bo had scoffed at Jack falling for a singer, since Alice wasn't special to him. Bo had always been certain that he would never fall like his lovesick boss, but he underestimated Barbie.

Barbie doesn't do dom performances in the traditional sense, but she has a commanding presence. Audience members who act up get put in their place and denied any chance to feel anything but the bottom of her heel as she stomps on them. She's got a powerful, intimidating personality that demands obedience from her audience, and Bo found himself wanting to roll over and expose his belly to her even if it meant he'd get stomped for it.

It'd be worth it to Bo if he could be the only person Barbie paid attention to.

Naturally, our two criminal yanderes quickly become absolutely obsessed with their respective singer of choice.

Unlike in the original version of this AU, Jack can't arrange it so Alice spends every day with him as his assistant. Oh, he'll try to hire her under some excuse or another, but she politely turns down his offers. She's quite happy to work with her family and occasionally her friends, and that's more important to her than whatever obscene paycheck he offers.

Jack pivots his plans to focus on befriending Alice, figuring out her schedule so that he can "accidentally" run into her in more casual settings, striking up friendly conversations and show that he's a good person worth knowing. His shining reputation in the community helps in this regard. He even offers to be her escort when going to and from her performances at the Blind Feline. Shaun has tried to act as an escort for her before, but since he's so busy running the place and raising a child, he doesn't have a lot of free time. Funny enough, Jack always manages to have his schedule free whenever she needs it!

By appearing so friendly, kind, and harmless, Alice starts growing closer to Jack. Of course, this leads to some jealousy from the other men who are also hoping to grow intimately close with Alice.

Bo does try befriending Barbie as well, but his method is a bit rougher. He's a lot more overly eager, which pushes Barbie to bring him to heel more than once. Though she finds him annoying, she also finds it fun to make this dog who barks so big whimper and beg her for her approval. Over time she starts intentionally goading him, getting a thrill out of leaving him a pathetic mess with only some blue balls to show for it at the end of the night.

Without the whole human trafficking angle or Alice being stuck with the crime family, Barbie doesn't have a reason to hate Bo and the Blouin family right out the gate. Oh, she'll be wary for sure, but when she learns how dangerous Bo is, she finds it actually adds to her thrill of humbling him. This big bad hunting dog is a weak whimpering puppy before her. She starts seeing how far she can push him, tame him, and soon she realizes he'll do anything for her.

Barbie has all the power in their relationship, and she quickly grows addicted to it.

Bo is different than the other customers Barbie has put in their place over time. The more time they spend together, the more she looks forward to his company. Soon things escalate during a performance. At the climax of the song, as she's done before, she pulled Bo in close by his collar. She would feign as if she might kiss him, as she had teased him and other patrons with in the past, only to shove them off the edge of the stage to assert her total control over her audience and their lust for her.

This time Barbie decided to cross the line. Bo had made it clear in the past he wanted to kiss her and so much more, so she took that as an invitation to steal a kiss from him at the end of her act, much to the shock of him and her regular audience. He melted into her, wanting to hold onto her and never let go... only to be shoved off the stage like usual.

Barbie ended her performance like normal, asserting her dominance before the crowd and her untouchable aura, but her cheeks were rosier that night.

Much like in regular continuity, Barbie is the one in charge of their relationship. She sets the pace between them, which Bo is only too happy with as long as she keeps him on her leash and pulls him closer. He always scoffed at the idea of being whipped by anyone. Even his servitude to Jack was a begrudging one. He was a lone wolf, doing what he wanted, fucking who he wanted, killing who he wanted. But in front of Barbie he was as weak as a newborn pup. He found himself willing to do anything as long as he didn't lose her.

Barbie sees Bo as an enticing toy at the start, but over time he draws her in and she starts to see his human side. She starts finding herself wanting someone for the first time. She doesn't like very many people aside from her family, but Bo slowly starts to grow on her. She finds herself desiring someone for the first time, both sexually and emotionally. Before she realizes it, she's getting jealous over attention others give Bo.

One night when Barbie catches Bo exchanging banter with someone else who clearly has the hots for him, she interrupts them.

...

Bo caught her scent even before he felt her warm touch, her finger slipping underneath his collar in that familiar way to pull him back. He twisted around to face his beloved Barbie, his tail wagging with happiness at the sight of her. "Puppy!"

Barbie's brown and blue eyes burned with a fire that could burn down a city, but that look only enticed Bo further. "Bo," she said in a low, dangerous tone as her long nails dragged across the tender skin beneath the collar. "Tell me. Who do you belong to?"

Bo shivered at the sensation, a whimper escaping him in spite of his pride and the people around them watching him. He felt weak under that burning gaze of hers that made his blood sizzle and his pants tight. "You, puppy, only you."

Barbie smirked, pleased by the pleading in his eyes and tone. "Good boy," she crooned before claiming his lips.

It was her most lewd performance yet, a kiss blatantly with tongue. Bo was only too eager to join in, drinking deep of his puppy in a way she had yet to permit him before. He was addicted to her flavor, and he whined when she finally pulled back, leaving them both breathless and panting.

Barbie held Bo back when he chased after her lips for yet another kiss, her smile smug and satisfied. She savored that yearning for her, how desperate he was with need for her that left him practically on his knees before her.

Almost lazily Barbie slid her gaze to the interloper that tried to steal what was hers. "You can go now," Barbie she dismissively, her smile taking on a cruel curve. "My boyfriend and I have plans."

While the other person seethed, Bo lit up, his tail wagging so hard he generated a small breeze. "Boyfriend? Me?" He sounded pathetic, he knew. If the person he was only a few months ago could see him now, he would hardly recognize himself, but he was too elated to care.

"That's right," Barbie practically purred as she turned her burning gaze back to Bo. "You're my boyfriend as long as you keep one thing in mind... I don't share."

"Whatever you want, puppy," Bo said as he clasped her hands in his. "Anything you want, it's yours. I'm all yours."

When his gaze slid back to his companion, all trace of pathetic subservience disappeared along with his earlier friendly attitude for this person who was now only an obstacle. Bo was a predator, ready to rip out anyone's throat at his master's beck and call. "You heard her. Leave. Before they have to carry you out in a body bag."

...

Needless to say, Barbie quite enjoys being Bo's new master. He certainly enjoys following her orders far more than Jack's.

Although Barbie is pretty forceful and dominating, over time she does start showing Bo more and more of her softer side.

Of course, that doesn't mean Bo isn't still going to be following Jack's orders. I figure their relationship is a bit more complicated than he would like, and one he just can't sever whenever he wants.

Speaking of Jack, I can imagine it'll take him quite a bit more time to get closer to Alice in this variant of the AU, though not for a lack of trying on his part. There's just going to be a lot more rivals and variables in play. Still, you know me. Eventually my ship has got to sail, which will make some guys pretty unhappy. At least her family would be less worried about Alice and Jack getting together in this version of the AU.

Well, as long as they never realize that Jack is the head of the most dangerous crime family in all of St. Valen's. Let's see how long Jack can keep that innocent squeaky clean image in place while he's trying to win Alice's heart and keep some pesky rivals at bay.

Really, this version of the AU would be an even bigger tease for Jack. As his assistant, he could come up with so many excuses to get Alice to hold his hand, help him change his gloves, help him put his suit on as an excuse to touch him, etc. Alice as a performer keeps a more polite distance from people until she really grows to know and trust them.

Heck, even in Sunshine in Hell, Jack had more opportunities to touch Alice when he needed it. Not to mention the connection between their souls means they're technically always touching in a way. That bond they made is quite the cheat mod.

Man, poor touch starved mafia boss Jack is going to go crazy waiting for Alice to be comfortable enough around him to want to touch him. The man is so touch starved, and she's the only person who he can stand to touch. He might wind up just as pathetically needy as Bo is with Barbie by the time they finally get together. At least Alice isn't intentionally teasing him like her sister!

Well... at least not yet. Once they get together, I'm sure Alice wouldn't be opposed to teasing her boyfriend a little. All in good fun of course~

After all, I imagine their first time was quite memorable thanks to how maddeningly pent up Jack was. No doubt Alice didn't get any sleep that entire night, and they would've made quite a mess of the bed. Once he finally has her in his arms, he's never going to let her go and make her feel so good she'll never want him to.

Can you really blame Alice for wanting to wind up her boyfriend a little to encourage a repeat of such an intense wet and wild night of passion and love~?

On that delightfully spicy note, I think I'm going to wrap things up here for now. This ramble has gone on way longer than I intended (25 pages last I counted,) and I got a weeeeeee bit off topic for most of it. Haha, sorry about that. I hope it was entertaining despite taking so long to get to answering the actual questions at least!

I have a feeling I'll play with this more musical version of the Mafia AU again in the future. Maybe I'll mix the two versions together somehow, or come up with yet another variation. There are no limits in AUs after all!

Huh. Now that I think about it, with Something's Wrong with Sunny Day Jack being inspired by the Phantom of the Opera, an AU where his sunshine is a singer who enchants him is pretty fitting. Sure, he's not a mysterious phantom guiding Alice to become the star of a famous opera house like the Phantom of Sunny Day Jack, but he's certainly going to make his sunshine sing for him.

Yes, I mean that both literally and suggestively. ;3

Jack might have become smitten with Alice after seeing her sing on stage, shining like a star for all to see, but nothing compares to her private performances with him in bed~

On that extra note of spice, I better wrap up before I make this ramble even longer. I hope you enjoyed the many unexpected directions my rambling took me. Please let me know what you think of this and any of my other ideas/writing. Thank you for reading!

[lollytea]

Up until a month back I liked a guy. And I really liked him. But I found out he didn't like me back. I was really upset, but I didn't want to hold it against him, but then I found out he had a reputation of being a player (which, at our age of 14 is flirtatiously texting girls and then just. Ghosting them).

And I felt really upset. I began to question if he even saw me as a friend, and whether the way he texted me was even friendly. What if he secretly loathed me and was just doing this to get a kick out of it? What if he knew about my feelings and they were just a joke to him?

I wanted to cry, but I told my friends and my sister I was okay. But I wanted to scream. Its not my fault I was born ugly. It's not my fault my face makes me unlovable. And even though I wanted to distance myself from him I felt some sort of perverse pleasure every time he did something embarrassing in front of every one.) And that's when I think it hit me.

That's why I'm unlovable. I am unlovable because I'm a terrible person. My friends tried to comfort me saying that he's a shitty person who can't see my beauty/cuteness, but friends are obligated to say that. I wanted to believe them because they're all so beautiful, and they would never lie to me because they love me. But they deserve a better friend than me.

I want to cry because I want to experience having a whirlwind romance, and falling in love. I also know I'll probably never have that.

And AGH I feel so upset. Because all my life I've known I was ugly. But when this guy showed me attention, was nice to me, it made me feel special. Made me feel like I was having my own romance.

I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate that I can't be loved, I hate my face, I hate myself for feeling these things. Last year when I suspected I began liking him, I told myself not to fall too deep, and here I am, ranting to you on tumblr dot com.

Lollytea, I love your writing and I love your posts. I love how confident you are of yourself. I'm very sorry for ranting in your inbox about my shitty love life, if this makes you uncomfortable, please delete it. But if you don't, I genuinely would like some encouragement. That my time for my own romance will come. That I will learn to love this face.

You're not unlovable. You're just 14. It just happens that being 14 feels a lot like being chronically unlovable. But no, that is not actually the case.

Maybe you've heard this a lot. And I imagine that it must be frustrating to listen to. That being a teenager just means your emotions are bigger and more intense than they will ever be in your entire life, so they're irrational and silly.

That's not the case either. Your feelings matter. And they're worth being listened to. But I do need you to keep in mind that the age range you're in right now is one of the most difficult periods of time that a human being will ever go through. Being a teenager is very hard. Being an adult is hard too. But me and every adult I've ever met would not trade it for being 14 again. No way in hell.

It does severely influence how you see yourself and why your emotions feel so strong and messy and all over the place. But I assure you that you're doing a fantastic job for a person in your situation. It's rough and you're getting through it and I'm proud of you.

Firstly, I'm going to say this quite bluntly but dont take it as me insulting them. Most of the boys in your class probably aren't that smart. And they are the absolute worst people to be seeking validation from. I promise that their opinion of you is not worth worrying about because they are...stupid, frankly. They won't be stupid forever. Probably. But being 14 is a weird age for boys too and they're quite mean for a while before they mature and chill tf out. Please try not to let it get to you if one of them doesn't like you romantically. I promise you it is not remotely a big deal. None of them have any idea how to be good boyfriends yet anyway.

No, you're not unlovable for occasionally having spiteful little thoughts about somebody who was mean to you. Everybody has those every once in a while. As long as you maintain some self-awareness and don't let cruelty consume your whole brain, having a few mean thoughts doesn't make you a terrible person. What WOULD make you a terrible person is external terrible behaviour. It's your actions that matter. So just be kind, alright? Be kind to your friends. Ignore the people you don't like but be civil. Don't hurt anyone. If you stick to all of this, you're golden. Considering that you already seem so self-critical of being a bit bitchy inside your own head, I think that's a promising sign than you won't do anything worse than that. I hope so anyway. Be kind, that's all you can do. Your friends love you. If you put your all into loving them in return, then you can have something so special.

You're not ugly, you're 14. Sorry, I'm getting a bit repetitive but I think it's relevant information to this whole situation. At the age you're at, your face is probably in this weird transitional period between child and adult so maybe that's why it might look "uglier" than usual to you. It might last a few more years but it won't look like that forever. I assure you that your face is beautiful because it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. It's alright if you've felt ugly your whole life. The way you look at your own face is way more personal than the way you look at other people's faces. We don't really notice the flaws on others the way we notice our own. We're wired weird like that.

All I can say is hang tight. If you don't like your face then please try not to let it upset you that much. Your face hasn't fully developed yet. For the time being, you look exactly the way you're supposed to look and you're perfect. Let's see how it looks in a few years before we make any rash decisions about it being as ugly as you think it is.

Don't be hasty in the belief that you'll never find love and romance. I assure you that the age you're at is the absolute worst time to get a boyfriend and its perfectly okay if you don't experience it for another while. It's normal. You're fine. It's okay.

I know you want it. I know it sounds nice. And I promise that if its important to you, once you're older and the people you're interested in are a little smarter, you will have it.

I'm serious when I say that for the time being, focus on being a good friend. Focus on school. Focus on your own physical and mental health. Focus on your hobbies. Being wanted by 14 year old boys won't mean shit in the long run.

Things will be okay. You talk so much about how you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But your life has only just begun and you hardly know who you are yet. It's impossible to tell what will happen in the coming years. I promise that you'll be okay.

I know you came for me for reassurance but from that last paragraphs, I'm sure you're already smart enough to know the things I've told you. But I imagine that you just needed a second opinion. Take care, love.

[jaydexbg]

Aite, Jay's thoughts on Restoration now that the emotional dust has settled.

My non-spoiler thoughts are... it's okay, a love letter to the series? No. A love letter to fans? For the most part.

No shade to RT, Burnie or anyone who worked on this, they did what they could, and had time for. This is going to be loooooong as its my full summary of the movie as a long-time fan, RvB is my special hyperfixation/interest. Spoilers below the cut.

Alright, to start. I personally will believe that s14-17 are cannon, and that Restoration is a simulation/Jax movie/AU/Alternate ending./what have you. I believe this for many reasons, but let's get the Big 3 out of the way first.

1. Sarge's death. I understand it's inclusion, and I understand that with the anvil and steel boot of WB it was hard to produce something of immense quality. Sarge had been a consistent key player and many of us expected this.

But his death was... wrong. It didn't feel impactful, he didn't die a Sarge death. While the reasoning was good (saving Caboose) the execution and runtime made it feel sloppy and just a plot driver(barely). He deserved a much more heroic send-off, and this comes from a avid Red Team supporter, so this should have impacted me. If Sarge had a proper heros death (and the movie had more time), set in a similar vein as Church (or even like he would have died to Meta in s8) then I think I would have had a lot more feelings, and I think it would have also allowed me to accept it much easier, I'm not insanely upset at Sarge dying(however I still would prefer them all to be happy), im upset at how it was handled.

2. Doc's death. Alright, this one peeves me a bit. I LOVE the idea at play, I personally even think it works with Wash given their history in S8, it is a really good reveal. But this also means Doc, an integral character who's been there since Season 2. Doc, who had been the most mistreated and abused character--and JUST got over being overshadowed by O'Malley in universe(S17)... died off screen. And that alone makes me not want to take this as cannon.

It was a moment of "WHAT??-wait." I like Doc, I like all the characters of RvB, but Doc dying off screen after the battle is not it. The Matt Hullum double kill is arguably funny, but I won't stand for Doc dying like this. Sorry.

And 3. The one that bit me the most, hold your sighs/tears; Grimmons. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that Grif would leave Simmons, or that Simmons wouldn't go with him. These two characters have been joint at the hip since episode one, they have been through EVERYTHING together. There is a LOT of subtext behind these two, Grimmons barely felt like a fan ship, if they revealed the two were married the entire time I wouldn't have batted an eye.

I don't like their ending. They should have either both went to earth, or both stayed in Blood Gulch. I understand Grif's entire thing was hating the military, but he loved his friends, he cared so much (saving Sarge MULTIPLE times despite Sarge still always bullying him, agreeing to go with Sarge and Caboose to fight the Meta even though he didn't have to, him throughout all of the Chorus Trilogy, and this is just the stuff that is cannon no matter what.), and I don't believe him simply being dismissed would have him leave, he stopped being apart of a proper military when Project Freelancer shut down, and while he was apart of Chorus they'd clearly been demoted/let go since they were ranked down to Privates in Restoration. (I also believe S15 handled the idea of them being moved after S13's ending far better)

And while I don't mind Simmons coming into his own as a leader, he dosent... have a team? They abandoned Lopez, Sarge is dead, Donut is an Admiral (likely for the UNSC), and Grif left. The Blues only have Caboose and Tucker. Carolina and Wash are likely going to go back to the hospital to let Wash heal (which is another thing). So its just Simmons, Caboose and Tucker alone in Blood Gulch? Doing... what exactly? Fighting? This is not a good ending for any of them and it barely makes sense. Id honestly have preferred a "where are they now" segment to this ending.

With those out of the way, lets go over a small lighting round of stuff i didn't like;

Wash felt like he was just there to tell us Doc died, and to get Carolina to the final fight. If you removed him entirely and just said "Carolina has been tracking Meta" nothing would change.

Carolina's inclusion felt like someone threw a cyan bolder into the script, her entrance being a homage to Maine's entrance in S10 was cool but she appeared out of nowhere.

I refuse to believe that after all of this none of them would be checking in on Wash, that man has been the glue of the Reds and Blues since he joined the team and I REFUSE to believe they would just dump him at an institution, however this is especially insane for Carolina. She would be with him every second.

Tucker was INSANELY underused, his moments of breaking through Sigma's control were good, but Tucker felt like he wasn't important. He should be, he should have been the main character of the story, he is the main character of Red vs Blue to me (after Church).

The way Lopez and Sheila were just abandoned is disrespectful. Its in character, and the whole gag but for a final season I dont want a gag like that in a finale. I wanted to see Lopez at that campfire scene imagining him not talking but enjoying the reminiscing. That would have been so sweet and nice. This also applies to Sheila.

The lack of Donut outside of a mention of him being an Admiral and the silly memory of him from Simmons is outrageous. He is a main character, we established this in S17 and retcon or not, he earned that development and it should have remained.

Grif was was insanely angry in the beginning, I imagine this more as Geoff because his performance throughout was probably the best of the movie. He's taken RTs closure hard and I completely understand him being upset, so this is barely a complaint.

Alright... with the negative out of the way, lets talk positive! i wish I could say my positives outweighed the negatives, but unfortunately that isn't the case, however I do have two big standouts.

1. The campfire scene. This, this scene alone is what adds a chunk to the positive section of my feelings. It was the scene that really gut punched me, the moment I heard Ed Robertson's voice I crumpled into tears (I am a HUGE Barenaked Ladies fan). The pure bittersweetness of watching these characters who have been through so much together finally taking a serious moment to reminisce is all I ever wanted from RvB. I wished with all my heart that Tucker, Church, Sarge, Donut, Doc, Lopez, and Sheila could share in it, who knows maybe Sarge and Docs ghosts popped by to listen. But, this is to me, what I wanted.

2. Agent Texas. This was good, this was REALLY good. The bait and swap to have Caboose bringing Tex back and not Church was good, and especially nice development from Caboose despite how rushed it feels. The kicker of this though? this Tex was not the same Tex as before. That reveal that this Tex was not based on the Directors memories of Allison's failure, but instead based on the Reds and Blues memories of her beating their asses is ACTUALLY insane, and a genius twist. And her getting her black armour plus the playing of Round One/Bullfight got me more hype then I was ever expecting to get from Restoration. I also believe that Tex finally being remembered properly and being able to move on with Church was heartwarming and very much deserved.

My negatives far outweigh the positives, but the positives are so good, and with it being the finale of 21 years worth of content I cant in the right mind say I dislike Restoration. I don't like it as the ending to Red vs Blue, call me bias (my favourite season is 15) but the trade off of development for the characters between Restoration and Shisno is just not worth it for me. Say what you will about the Shisno Trilogy but you cannot ignore that it gave us the much needed development for many characters, Grif and Donut standing out the most. While the "god"-plot is far fetched and out there, and I've heard that Tucker was character regressed in s16 (which I do not believe and will die on that hill but thats a topic for another day), or the inclusion of the Blues and Reds putting a wrench in some lore I still don't think it was all bad enough to warrant a retcon entirely. Who knows, maybe this was all planned from the start, or it was just because of WB. But this ending is not satisfying to me. I won't say its a bad ending, if I didn't like Shisno so much and never bothered to watch it I'm sure as a direct continuation from S13 I would have a much more positive look on it.

I also do believe that Burnie wrote it in such a way that you can decide for yourself if S14-17(and 18 if you enjoyed it) or Restoration is the cannon ending and to that I respect it.

So in short, my review of the final piece of official Red vs Blue content, is that its okay. A lot felt OOC, and plot was rushed and messy, things felt like they were all predetermined and not driven by the characters as is RvB's biggest strength. It was far too short and even still I generally don't like retcons. But for what it is, and the positive moments it brings I still think its good. Not cannon to me, but I will definitely be taking points from it into my personal cannon post-s17 (Admiral Donut my beloved, you would be so cool if you actually showed up).

[naranjapetrificada]

This is going to be long so the short version is this:

I convinced my therapist to watch the 🌟Gay Pirate Show🌟 and now I have to confront a previously unidentified and terrifyingly deep emotional wound that could be as transformative to heal as it is terrifying to approach.

My therapist and I have a lot of let's say...demographic things in common that have made this the most successful therapeutic relationship I've ever had, but also that just made me think he might like the show. It's no secret that ofmd has been a deeply moving experience for its viewers, and queer, neurodivergent, and/or people of color have written at length about the special ways it touches us (or doesn't). Those are three categories both he and I fit into and it feels relevant to say that for context.

So yes I thought he might like it, but I also wanted to pick his brain about Big Feelings it was giving me that I hadn't experienced with the same intensity with other media/fandoms. Y'all, he gave me a completely unexpected reading on the show (and its story and its fan works) and why it makes us feel So Much that I haven't seen anywhere before.

When I say Big Feelings, I mean like I've literally had to swear off a couple of pretty innocuous categories on AO3 ("Growing Old Together" and "Domestic Fluff") because they would devastate me in ways that I couldn't attribute to anything specific. Growing Old Together comes with the possibility of death separating them, which is heartbreaking, but that didn't feel like it was the thing that was gutting me. Domestic Fluff could probably be called the most innocuous tag ever, but anything that saw our blorbos settling down and watching the Revenge sail off into the distance was fucking me up as well.

There are plenty of reasons why OFMD makes queer people feel so much, but when I say this was fucking me up I mean like, well, remember when people outside of classical music started learning about appoggiatura? Like intellectually knowing why I was crying but at a loss how intense everything felt. And my therapist (who is as good at analyzing a text as he is at being a therapist) was like "oh, it could be all the grief."

The grief.

The audacity of this motherfucker (affectionate).

It's a romcom! It's a romcom that we were explicitly told would have a happy ending! It's a romcom where the characters will get to sail off into the sunset together like they want and like we want for them! Stede and Ed, after four decades of self-hatred and trauma and fear and isolation, somehow find each other. And one of the sweetest things about their story is that it's a late in life love story, because it's incredibly inspiring for someone to get to experience a part of life they thought wasn't for them. The inescapable fact that their time together will be shorter than any of us would like is sad but not unaccountably sad to me, because of how much joy they'll be able to cram into the time they have left. I could be wrong but I don't think that alone is the source of what's been overwhelming me.

Grief is a constant presence in the world-building and the storytelling because grief is a natural response to well, so many things about being alive. Grieving is some of the hardest shit any of us ever have to do, but it's also so universal and so many of the things that make us uniquely human also make grieving well, maybe not easier, but something we can endure and process through ritual, community, and the example of those we've witnessed grieving their own losses. Many kinds of grief come with narratives that you can accept or reject all or parts of, but the narrative exists.

But have you ever heard of disenfranchised loss? Loss that's not easily labeled or classified or given the time or space or understanding it deserves? Have you experienced a loss like that? Can you imagine how much more difficult it makes the grieving process?

Well what my therapist suggested, the thing that knocked me on my ass hard enough that I had to come have Online Feelings about it, is that eventually, we all have to mourn ourselves. Not necessarily in a "mortality is inevitable" way (that happens to everyone) but in ways that are often unique to people like him and me (black, ND, queer). Even if we work on ourselves, if we grow and heal our trauma and feel at home in our identities and our bodies and build beautiful lives, eventually we will be forced to mourn the selves that we never got to be in the societies in which we live and the selves we once had to become to survive this long.

And that mourning is a kind of disenfranchised loss, with no clear path forward. Obviously this conversation happened within the context of everything my therapist knows about me as an individual, but I thought certain things might resonate with other fans as well so I wanted to talk about it. The story of this bizarre little man and his remarkable second act and his lovely little found family and his incredibly beautiful love story (that we've been guaranteed will end happily) is still haunted by the specific kind of grief that comes from learning what's possible, and regretting that you didn't know it was possible sooner.

And does anybody have more delayed milestones, later-in-life discoveries, and/or need to invent places for themselves than those of us on the social fringes? Than those of us in societies unequipped for (or actively hostile to) the ways we exist and the things we need to survive and thrive? Than those of us who have to create our own narratives or be saddled with inaccurate or harmful narratives created by others, or even no narrative at all?

And narrative is so much. Narrative is everything. Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and each other and that literally shapes our reality. So those story beats where we discover something better than what came before are inherently stories with loss and will require mourning, because we mourn loss.

Even when the story has a happy ending. Especially when the story has a happy ending for someone who never thought they would be allowed to have one.

I mean just like, FUCKING HELL. I can't blame anyone for this but myself. I know my therapist. I know how insightful he can be. I did this to myself and now I have to live with it. But my god is it a massive mountain I'm about to have to climb now. My therapist and I have always found it helpful to discuss media that makes me Feel Things (see all the trauma work that came from Life is Strange) but if you had told me that I'd be looking into this new dark cave of unprocessed shit thanks to what I thought was just gonna be a harmless little gay pirate show starring fucking Murray from Flight of the Concords I would probably just have assumed you were in the middle of having a stroke and taken off to get you the medical attention you desperately needed.

[applepiesandalibis]

So. A couple of posts ago I mentioned writing an explanation of why I adore each TPC album for a different reason (a thing that makes this specific album unique for me). Nobody asked for it. Here it is.

The first one, Young Bodies Heal Quickly holds a special place in my heart mostly because of its vibes. And also because I listened to it in the hard times and it really helped me to deal with some things. It manages to depict many different emotions and feelings perfectly: such as fear, anxiety, anger and in the end it even becomes really comforting, makes you feel safe and calm even if the rest of the album feels like the world is ruining and you're absolutely helpless. I really love how it contains both very energetic and very calm songs. I mean, pretty sure all of their records do, but here it's more noticeable and I like that contrast. ALSO, something about the voicemail sample with that agressive instrumental as a background... I just find it incredibly cool for whatever reason. In general, YBHQ has some of the coolest samples.

Hide the Kitchen Knives... Well, I don't listen to that one a lot, sadly :( Mostly because it's not on spotify (at least for me, heard some lucky people have it there) and it's not very comfortable to listen to it on other platforms. Still, I like it for — yet again — its unique vibe, cool instrumentals (God Forgive Us All is just..... mwah /pos) and also some thoughts John expresses on this record. I find the whole concept behind it very interesting.

God Bless Your Black Heart for the story it tells and the fact that absolutely everything on this album is connected. Makes my neurodivergent brain happy, I will NEVER get tired of (over)analyzing it and yapping about it. John said he worked very hard on this one and it really shows!!! I associate a lot of good moments in my life with GBYBH (even though the album itself is pretty dark) and Said the Spider to the Fly will always be one of my favorite music videos to ever exist. It means a lot to me and I rewatched it hundreds of times.

Then, Now You Are One Of Us, which has its SpOoKy atmosphere that is actually trying to hide a very hopeful message behind itself and no, I will NOT shut up about this. Plus, again, the samples are just perfect. It was the first album of theirs I heard and it really made me realize how good this band is. I know how cringy this probably sounds, but it actually changed my life and it only gets better with each listen.

Ctrl-Alt-Delete-U is just crazy. In a good way. I mean, a 40-minute song that is mostly just one phrase being repeated over and over again? Who do you think is eating this up? That's right: me. All of the other songs are great too, of course. I can't fully understand the concept behind this album tbh, but that's what I like about it.

Someday This Could All Be Yours is, as I previously said, the one I listen to the most. The natural disasters concept is something that really got my attention at first and the lyricism on here is INCREDIBLY good. Every song has its own mood and its own 'personality', which makes me want to came up with a character for each one of them (I already have a bunch of TPC based OCs, but still). Also I'm a big fan of the suffering that thinking about Vol. 2 brings me into👍🏻 /hj

And, of course, their older stuff (...And the Machines Are Winning, Essays on Frantic Desperation, singles like Dilbert, a Man If You Will, etc.) deserves being mentioned too. I feel like these guys were really vibing while recording this! The lyrics aren't that deep as they are on later records, sometimes you can't even understand what John is saying, but the instrumentals are amazing. John straight up tortures his guitar sometimes; it makes such a cool sound though, so it's totally worth it. They had a very great start and I love older TPC just as much as newer!!!

Obviously, I can't just not mention Nighty Nite in this. Dimples gives me a nostalgic feeling, but at the same time it's so dark and can easily make you anxious. My fav track from it is definetely Meaningless. Ironically, it makes me feel like life does have a meaning. I don't know. And again, the lyrics are very good here.

Until the Horror Goes is also very nostalgic, but in a slightly more positive way. John said this album is mostly about getting older and dealing with adult life and it does depict this feeling very well. It also has a really pretty cover — my favorite after the GBYBH one. The songs on it are catchy, I know them all by heart. The instrumentals are yummy too (take Animal Rites for example, it scratches my brain in such a good way). I like the more electronic sound it has and I think it was a good way to end John's career as a musician... (sobs)

TL;DR: The pAper chAse is the best band in the entire world and they have never released a single bad song. I love all of their records like they're my children (or even more, cause I don't really like children... you got the point). End rant.

[farfromstrange]

Ok so

Daddy issues is so relatable, as in like growing up in a rough childhood (specially with a dad like that) I felt it to my bones.

Srsly, your writing made me feel like I was being heard. Like, now people are gonna realise why I don’t like when people get mad and raise their voices, why I’m such a people pleaser, why I wanna be liked more than hated.

And I can’t thank you enough, because not only did I feel like my story is kinda being said. But THE MATTHEW MURDOCK is the king comforting me, and I felt a huge sense of comfort (it sounds weird Ik) when I finished reading that.

I keep on rereading it a lot and it makes me feel so safe and secure for some reason.

Ik, you’re probably not gonna read this 😭😭.

But this is my thank you for being such an amazing writer!!!

LOVE ALL YOUR WORK SIS, DON’T STOP BEING AMAZING 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

Nonnie, it took me two days to figure out how on earth to reply to this because it made me so emotional, I struggled to find the right words.

First of all, I’m so horribly sorry that you had your childhood was the way it was. It’s not something you would wish on anyone. I think no one really wants to relate to what I discussed in Daddy Issues, but there are a lot of people who do, especially from the experiences they’ve had with their fathers. It’s needless to say that you deserve the world and that being treated like that is not the way to treat your own child.

That being said, you being so brave as to tell me this made my heart swell to, like, twice its usual size because I realized once again that this right there is the reason I even decided to post Daddy Issues. As self-indulgent as that fic is, and as much as I struggled with whether to post it or not, I figured that some of you guys might feel the same way or have experienced something similar, so I posted it in the hopes of not crossing a line by being too personal.

Reading all the responses ever since I posted it made me come to the realization though that a lot of you have also been traumatized by at least one parent in your lives, and it’s a cathartic experience every time to see and hear that I’m not alone in this, in what I’m struggling with—what we’re struggling with—and that you guys now know that you are not alone in this either. That’s why posting this fic was 100% worth it.

People who have not gone through the same thing often have a hard time understanding why we cry when someone yells at us, or why we feel like we always have to please everyone. They don’t understand that daddy issues often stem from serious trauma—it’s not just being drawn to dangerously older guys, and it’s not something to be sexualized in that context because daddy kinks are an entirely different thing—and that tends to make you feel extremely lonely because you feel like you’re exaggerating and ‘oh a lot of people have had it worse than me’. That’s hurtful though because everyone’s feelings are valid, and trauma will always be horrible, no matter the extent.

(And there is hardly enough representation of that particular psychological issue)

I didn’t think this fic would bring that many people together, but I’m so glad it did. I’m so glad it gave you, nonnie, some semblance of comfort, and that you’re finally feeling some kind of heard. Because you are. I feel you.

Sometimes all it takes is someone who understands. Sometimes we all just need a little bit of comfort. And sometimes people don’t understand, but the important thing to note is that you’re not alone. You’re never alone.

Anyway, you just made me cry. I’m not even kidding. I feel so grateful that I get to share my experiences with you through fiction, and that it actually helps you guys in a way. And it’s words like yours that inspire me to keep writing, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Whoever you are, I hope you’re having an amazing day, and I’m sending you a big hug 🫶🏻 And this is also a gentle reminder that you’re going to be okay!

[feeling-diskinserted]

crossposting what i wrote on fb here i guess idk who will see it or care in either/both places

I don't really use Facebook tumblr much anymore but Life Update! TL;DR, I am Jewish now.

This is something I've been personally working toward for a few years now, and it took a lot of learning, reading, community and temple activities, as well as introspection and emotional growth, to reach this point. In many ways, I feel as if I've really been Jewish for a while, and immersing in the mikvah was just a formality -- for instance, I have celebrated Passover with Josh's family for years, and have attended enough synagogue services to become familiar with several Hebrew blessings and other rituals -- but in some ways it is still new and overwhelming to call it part of my identity (and my intentions for life).

I converted through the Reform movement, and have found a lovely and progressive community here in Chicago that welcomes young, old, queer, trans, black, brown, disabled, neurodivergent, and all kinds of Jews. I am interested in a Judaism that emphasizes social justice and radical acceptance. A big part of what drew me to Judaism is its focus on lifelong learning, simultaneously intellectual and unpretentious, embracing constant questioning and wrestling with diverse perspectives. I am not particularly in favor of extreme rigidity or prescriptivism of tradition -- tradition is very often meaningful and special, and the beauty of ritual is another aspect that attracted me, but it all must be balanced with compassion and finding interpretations of those traditions that are productive and conscious. I am also, to put it lightly, certainly not a fan of the state of Israel's frankly despicable actions against the Palestinian people, who deserve a safe and peaceful homeland. Diasporic Judaism has thrived for a long time despite antisemitism, and while I don't feel particularly connected to Israel itself (and find much of Zionism's history actively distasteful and contradictory to my understanding of Jewish values), joining this people is both empowering and humbling. I look forward to continuing to be active in my local community and making meaningful connections through rituals, holidays, music, activism, and other shared but diverse experiences.

I've always had a very hard time opening up about personal things and putting feelings into words. But I have lots of thoughts about Judaism and why it's part of who I am, so feel free to challenge me with questions -- I've tried to keep this short but it just scratches the surface. I haven't even gotten into the question of what "God" means or what I believe on that front, but spoiler: there's no one single answer. One Jew, countless opinions, the rumor is true. That's what I like about it -- I don't have to settle on any one belief, I get to continue to debate and wrestle with nuance all I want! But now, sleep. Had kind of a big day.

[safetycar-restart]

Oh yeah, we need to talk about Mick kneeling for you!!!

I feel like it wouldn't be an everyday thing, but it would happen often. Mick wants to be a good boy and kneel, staring at you with those beautiful eyes and overall being perfectly behaved. You realize that for Mick, kneeling (and then doing nothing) is the perfect way to relax and clear his mind. That's why you usually work, maybe answering emails, with Mick kneeling on a cushion between your legs, stroking his hair every once in a while and smiling sweetly at him.

When Mick has had a long, not necessarily emotional day, he grabs his special cushion and you immediately understand what he wants. At times like this he often rests his head on your thigh and falls asleep.

But if we talk about sexy times, Mick likes to kneel and show you that he deserves you (obviously, but it's hard to get quit that mentality out, you're working on it), so he kneels in front of you, between your legs and tries not to squirm so much, but always ends semi hard. Especially when he's looking desperate and you put your fingers in his mouth. Saliva dripping from his chin??? The sexiest image of my week.

Ooh but if we talk about Toto. God. Probably kneeling for Toto makes Mick fall into subspace really fast. Mick with a glassy look, seeing Toto with his big eyes. Something about the feeling of Toto's big legs caging him causes a short circuit in his brain, you're going to have to help him stand up later because he can't function on his own!

We know Toto is stricter with Mick during scenes, but even Tpto can't resist the urge to put his dick in Mick's little mouth. He can't help it!! So kneeling down with Toto almost always ends up into cockwarming or blowjobs. But it's okay, because Mick with saliva running down his chin!!!

The only way Toto won't end up with his dick stretching out Mick's mouth is if there's something planned after Mick kneels. If not, Toto won't be able to help it... and neither can you, to be honest. And Mick neither!!! He really likes things in his mouth!!!

-🌻 (live from my law classes lol)

There's something about law classes that just create the best thoughts ever oh my god because I love this so much. It's so damn good? I'm assuming this is poly!mick/toto which means its d/s au, let me know if I'm wrong about that. But yeah no this is INCREDIBLE.

Firstly, I definitely agree that it wouldn't be an every day thing. Mick loves kneeling, it's very calming for him, but I also think it's very intense for him?

In a lot of ways, kneeling can actually be more intense than regular scenes? He can enter subspace quicker and reach a much deeper subspace when he's kneeling. There's something about the calmness of it, the feeling of your hand on his hair, his cheek against your thigh, that just lets him drop so easily and so deep.

So it doesn't happen often, because he'll often be floaty for hours afterwards, all soft and subby and in need of your full attention. So he can't afford to do it every day.

But when he's had a hard day and he needs to just unwind, then it's amazing.

I love the idea of him having a special pillow for kneeling!! Especially because him getting his special pillow is his way of asking if he can kneel. He struggles to express his needs and while of course you're trying to get him more comfortable with expressing himself, that's not something he should be learning with something as important as when he needs to kneel.

And yes he LOVES to kneel with Toto!! He drops so deep with Toto too.

One of his favourite things ever is just to kneel between toto's legs, and it must be between his legs. Mick will cry if Toto even suggests he kneels next to his legs. Mick MUST be between them. He wants his head to rest on Toto's inner thigh. This is a requirement.

Mick actually tends to be a little more demanding when he kneels for Toto? With you he'll be your good boy, only opening his mouth if you ask him if he wants to suck on something. But with Toto he'll actually whine and open his mouth, sticking his tongue out and refusing to settle until Toto gives him something to suckle on.

Toto always pretends to be all strict and refuse Mick, but that only ever lasts for a few minutes before he's giving Mick something to suckle on. Usually he'll start with his fingers.

But listen, Toto is only human.

Eventually he's going to give in and let Mick suckle on his cock instead. And then Mick is as happy as can be, warming toto's cock and drifting in subspace.

His absolute FAVOURITE is when he's kneeling for one of you and the other joins. Like if he's kneeling for Toto, preferably warming his cock already, and you come home and just sit next to Toto? You cuddle into toto's side? Amazing. He drops so deep then, so happy and safe and with his two Doms.

And also, I think he might kneel as comfort for you and Toto?

Mick struggles with words and expressing himself a lot, especially when he sees you or Toto are upset. He has no idea what to do! He wants to help but he doesn't know how!

So he grabs his special pillow and kneels next to you or Toto, staring up to you and trying to look as sweet and subby as he can. That's how he deals with it. You can't be upset when there's a sub kneeling for you, that's the rule! You can't!

[marinaiguess]

just finished watching sonic prime so why not share my thoughts on it? before i start rambling, i suggest you go watch it on netflix, it definitely deserves a watch.

now

Technicalities first (if i can call them that). So, judging as a viewer and not as a sophisticated critic who has read cinemtaography books, I’d say the show’s direction overall is pretty good. It’s nothing special but it’s pleasing and keeps you interested. The direction, the angles, the camera changes regarding placement and focus are well coordinated with the writing and each emotion each scene tries to convey. So, really, nothing new (i wasnt expecting a sonic show to make groundbreaking ways of storytelling through cinematography), but I believe it is worth mentioning because it plays a huge role on how one views the show. And there were many moments where I realized that a certain angle made the scene look more tense for example.

Animation! I think we all liked the bouncy styled animation, contrasting the hugely popular disney/pixar styled animation (which is good, dont get me wrong, but the animation tecnhique used in prime fits sonic a lot more imo). Also, the facial expressions are part of what made the show so great and enjoyable and I love how much emphasis they put on them, literally perfect. The details in animation, like the animalistic behaviours of sonic and co. and how they were depicted (ears twitching for example) are all very important and im glad they were implemented. And, I know a lot of us are focused on the facial expressions but we shouldnt forget abt the background as well. There definitely was attention to detail, details that were everywhere and completed the overall image of the show.

Music! the music is good what do you expect me to say like, oh that major g in the pirate scene made the scene look more tense but if it was a minor f it would make it a bit more sad and thus more fitting- no. the music was good. not surprised and props to everyone who worked on the music but i just dont think theres anything to add LOL.

Voice acting! Voice directing-wise? Really REALLY good, i wasnt expecting great performances but i was proved wrong and im happy about that. Now, for the main cast seperately? Devon has done an EXCELLENT job with his lines. His sonic voice is a combination of Roger Craig Smith and Ben Schwartz i believe but it’s also unique and very fitting for sonic, despite me not liking it at first. Brian as Eggman is meh for me, very good voice acting skills but i didnt like it that much. Ashleigh as Tails fit surprisingly well and idk why. Kazumi for rouge was a really good one, bringing rouge back to her sa2/heroes era and not the overly sexy and seducing voice she has in the games (i know its abt voice direction as well but yeah). big is meh, i dont like it. knuckles is pretty good tbh. and now, shadow the hedgehog. yes. ian did an excellent job voicing shadow and i LOVE LOVE LOVE his voice in prime, makes he’d sound like that in the games as well. i’ll stop now or i’ll start fangirling. 

Characters! I like the characters and sonic’s crew. the way the show’s written so far though has made me care about the post-apocalypse characters more than the other shatterverses. like, i like them all, yeah, but i care more about nine and knucks and rebel. maybe that was the point. also,HHHH WHY NOT BLAZE? why not silver? hoping to see them soon but PIRATE WORLD? there was a purple cat and a brown raccoon there but it wasnt blaze and marine. lost opportunity. (and rouge should have been the captain in the pirate one fr fr)

And finally, writing. I’ve seen a lot of opinions these days. Here’s mine. Good characterisation. Yes, it might surprise you but the characterisation is actually good. for every character. including sonic. maybe in a different post i could talk about every character but for now, i wanna talk abt sonic. bouncy, energetic, talkative, honest, lively, adhd coded, cheesy sometimes, reckless, extroverted who wants to work on his own from time to time. this is actually sonic. someone who loves his friends but doesnt listen to them cuz he has no patience. someone who conveys his emotions with actions and puts words aside. someone who likes to lay back once in a while, but not when the whole world is broken to pieces. someone who wants to save everyone, puts everyone above him and his needs. someone who cant stop talking, making witty remarks and jokes despite the given situation cuz he never gives up and is always hopeful and optimistic. frontiers gave us a different view of sonic’s character but it’s a very different situation as well. yet, if you carefully compare the two, you’d see how much things they have in common and how prime! sonic is very well written. 

overall writing is okay. characterisation is very good, interactions between characters are very good but some could have been better(some moments were too short for my liking), easter eggs, there are many and are greatly appreciated, many details, the recap of the prev episodes was really funny and clever but I feel like we were deprived of some great opportunities. like, eggman nega with eggman instead of the chaos council. thats just an example. and im not too salty abt it cuz it’s mainly a kids show and it shows. im glad that its enjoyable for adults like me as well though.

thats all folks. no one asked for this but youre getting it anyway.

[spnfanficpond]

November 2022 Angel Fish Awards

(Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Welcome to this month's Angel Fish Awards!

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE (you don’t have to be a member) CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. Everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that this fun, thoughtful award will do just that.

Be sure to read through this whole post as people who were nominated more than once only had one tag activated for Tumblr tagging purposes!

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE THIS MONTH’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nominated by @mariekoukie6661

Season's Special (series) by @bamby0304

This is just such a good series! Dean and his love for pie!!!

~*~*~

Nominated by @princessmisery666

Cabin Fever by @slytherkins

I’ve raved about this before and I will no doubt do it again. I will forever reread this one. After re-reading I still cannot adequately express how brilliant this is. My emotions feel kinda frayed and even though it ended “happy” there’s always that underlying pain and anguish that will never truly go away. I’m getting a little teary eyed writing this because one of the things the Winchester’s always seemed to have is hope, and reading Dean very much losing his hope is heart breaking in a way I cannot describe. It’s breathtakingly brutal and honest. Even if you are not a SPN fan, you should read this, I promise its worth every single letter.

Let It Snow by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

Cute and fluffy, just what I needed to get into the Christmas spirit!

Do You Know How To Take Care of a Sick Person? by @glygriffe

This is exactly how I pictured Dean would act when he's sick, and soulless Sam definitely needs to work on his bedside manner. Made me laugh and could be canon. 

Untitled ficlet by @ellen-reincarnated1967

I love some worried/protective Winchester's and this and the continuations hit the spot just right!

Tattered (series) by @stusbunker

I'm a bit late to the party on this one but I'm hooked. I can't wait to see where it all leads and the drama that's sure to unfold. I love some jealous Winchester's and adding in the A/B/O dynamics makes it more intriguing.  Each POV is perfect characterisation.

~*~*~

Nominated by @glygriffe

Feral (series) by @luci-in-trenchcoats

There's a lot of stuff I'm not a very big fan of: Omegaverse, Reader's fic, long fanfiction work... And yet! luci-in-trenchcoats Feral fic got me intrigued in the summary and kept my interest all the way to the end. The main characters are well-developed and endearing. I thoroughly enjoyed all of it! Warnings: language, angst, violence, mention of kidnapping, heavily implied abuse (non-graphic), smut

~*~*~

Nominated by @thoughtslikeaminefield

Moo-Moo Goes Missing by @tumbler-tidbits

This is cute and sweet. There's a link for the entire universe as well. Ash is great with graphics as well as storytelling, and this one melts my heart.

~*~*~

Nominated by @mrswhozeewhatsis

Collared (series) by @spnexploration

This series tackles the issue of mind-control curses and how truly evil they can be. (Although there are non-con elements, they are not initiated by the Winchesters. The brothers are trying to fix it.) Every chapter has a new hurdle to be overcome in figuring this out, and I can't wait to see how it turns out!!

Tattered (series) by @stusbunker

I'm seconding the nomination above for this series! SO MUCH ANGST, with both brothers, and it hurts so damn good. This is a must-read!

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE AWESOME WORK AND GREAT FEEDBACK!

These are not actual awards, as in, there is no competition! This system is set up so everyone has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author in the Pond that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

[unrelatabledude]

gently knocks on your door

hi its me again. you are amazing and i love love your himerus (and rinnes) it’s what he deserves <3 i bow down to your big brain

the fantasy au looks so intriguing may i know more? i would do anything for chubby niki, pureboy kohaku and sexy as hell himeru and rinne. tatsumi too maybe squints

anon- thank you so much for ur genuine interest it makes me so emotional really really thank you. imagine when you open my door you look in and just see this

anyways fantasy au details down here

ESSENTIALLY when i was on a rinhime kick i doodled this thinking about an au where rinne was actually a prince and himeru was like... his advisor

the fantasy au developed off this and now is. very different.

Essentially Rinne is a foxboy prince who keeps trying to runaway from his duties, and keeps bringing back special people to work in his retinue everytime.

First he brings home Niki, who took care of him when he didnt know Rinne literally owned the land he was staying on. Niki is formally a retainer and does know how to fight, but functionally hes a friend and personal chef.

Then he brings home Kohaku, a boy who was raised in isolation and has been put to work as a professional guard.

Lastly, he's brought home Himeru, a masked spy master. He works under a lot of disguises, and is often on recons with Kohaku because I love the idea of Himeru and Kohaku getting to do buddy cop adventures where they meet Madara. Rinne is horrifically jealous because he wants to do adventures SO BAD he cannot believe they're doing adventures without him. So he follows them a lot of the time.

Also!! Yes!! that is tatsumi!!! Essentially, Tatsumi is a cleric turned necromancer. He and Kaname used to be adventuring partners and he fully believes he killed Kaname, and took a dark turn trying to think of ways to bring him back. After all that effort, just seeing essentially the love of your life walking around masked has made him... really weird. He works under Eichi, with the rest of Alkaloid. He thinks Himeru is Kaname and also that theyre living dead, and is trying to reunite with them. Kaname is still alive though, because I'm obsessed with the idea of Tatsumi learning a dark art and warping himself when it was always pointless.

Thats what I have now essentially!!! I want to explore it more but am... unsure where to go lmao but yes I hope this was!!! what you like n wanted to know!! If you'd like to know more my door is always open and again thank you so much for your interest hehrhrf

[gazzhowie]

My Top 25 Movies of 2023.

Sitting in cinema screens in 2023 has continued to re-enforce that it is a weird time for the industry, with huge three hundred million dollar (!) blockbusters attracting only ten or twenty people per screen on opening weekend and highly acclaimed independent movies being given no home except for a dumped VOD release. This year felt ‘tough’ being a fan of both great films and the big screen experience. 

Anyway, scaremongering over... it is time for me to dust off the cobwebs from my Tumblr account and post my Top 25 movies of this year, 2023.

[Years 2008 through to present are available in the archive.] 

As always, films listed are based on their UK release date whether that’s in the cinema or on DVD, VOD etc. Which was a tough rule to stick to this year because I thoroughly enjoyed the lean and effective b-movie action horror antics of Last Voyage of the Detmer, which could’ve earned a slot on my list had its UK release not been pulled 2 weeks prior to its date due to its European distributor going bankrupt. 

Frequent visitors know that I’ll throw out a few special mentions to all the films that I wish I could’ve included but couldn’t make fit yet believe they deserve a shout-out regardless and then I get stuck into what I think are the 25 best films of the year. Anyway, without further ado, here are the ‘also-rans’ and ‘near-misses’ separated per genre that very nearly made the final list:

Action movies that I have enjoyed this year include The Covenant which holds the distinction of being an actually enjoyable and tolerable Guy Ritchie movie, John Wick: Chapter 4 who’s bludgeoning and unnecessary excess gives way to a final hour that is part ode to Walter Hill’s The Warriors and part ‘modern action classic’ effort, Guardians of the Galaxy 3 which was uneven but still the best Marvel effort in quite some time (though that is a low compliment), the first part of the French two-parter Three Musketeers: D'Artagnan which brings John Wick-ian action to the oft-told tale, the Gerard Butler ‘Prime Exclusive’ double-bill that was Kandahar and Plane, Denzel Washington’s (“final”) entry in his Equalizer series and Thomas Jane’s cheapo Brannigan / Coogan’s Bluff b-movie tribute, One Ranger. 

Not many comedies impressed me this year but going off the ones that made me laugh and surprised me some what were the kind of delightful Woody Harrelson sporting underdog remake Champions, the vastly better than we all thought it was going to be / surprise sleeper success of the year No Hard Feelings and the ‘animals saying uncouth things’ silliness that was Strays. 

I liked a lot of horrors this year; the legitimately great (no seriously!) Influencer, the gimmick-heavy but incredibly effective No One Will Save You, the immensely fun Kids Vs Aliens, the Covid-19 slasher that you didn’t realise you secretly sort of wanted that was Sick, the semi-disappointing yet still enjoyable recalibration that was Evil Dead Rise, the Godzilla-homaging creature feature The Lake and the frankly insane / insanely nasty Project Wolf Hunting. 

Not a huge amount of animation blew me away this year but Leo was a stand-out for not just being shockingly good but for the sheer amount of repeated viewings it has gone through in my house with my boys without it losing too much. I have to also give props to Spiderman: Across The Spiderverse which was gorgeous to look at and immensely entertaining but excessive and unwieldly to its own detriment.

It was a good year for documentaries with both Milli Vanilli and The Pigeon Tunnel impressing me immensely. The former being surprising in its depth and emotion. But within the documentary form it was a banner year for the ‘biography’ approach with genuinely excellent and thorough studies of fascinating people. I loved Mr Dress Up, Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie, Judy Blume Forever, Hatton and Albert Brooks: Defending My Life.

Dramas I’ve liked a lot in 2023 have been Till which moved me immensely, the justifiably acclaimed May December, The Burial which was far more captivating than it had any cause to be, the Netflix survivalist preposterousness that was Nowhere, Ben Affleck’s fabulously entertaining Air which was another entry in the ‘business origins’ subgenre that continues to somehow flourish, Michael B. Jordan’s overdirected but strong Creed 3, the ode to old-fashioned 1990s studio potboiler thrillers that was To Catch a Killer, the Sky Original Dead Shot and the smart phone / techno warning Unlocked.

And in a little section all of its own marked ‘better than they had any right to be’ I’ve got to give a shout-out to Elizabeth Banks’ incompetently directed but decidedly fun Cocaine Bear, the Jackie Chan / John Cena greenscreen-heavy team-up Hidden Strike, the wonky but fun Scream 6, the exhaustive Extraction 2, the low-bar hurdling Blue Beetle and the absolutely insane (and mildly better than the last two excretable efforts) Fast X.

And now… my Top 25 favourite movies of 2023… but for those who know me to be an enormous John Woo aficionado I will make clear from the outset that at the time of compiling this I still have not seen Silent Night. Sorry. 

25. The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial

We must mention William Friedkin’s last film before his death - a reminder that the man was a master filmmaker across the board but specifically a master at letting the material and the performance(s) lead. Never has that felt more reinforced than with his interpretation of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial where, like what he did with his excellent made-for-tv redo of 12 Angry Men, he lets the power of one single setting, a very good cast and exceptional material (in this case a soft update of Herman Wouk's 1953 play of the same name) lead and he gets out of the way and stays there. A more fragile or less confident director at the age Friedkin was, at that point in his career / so close to the end, would've likely been tempted to go big or get flashy to show they've still "got it". There was nothing fragile or unconfident about Friedkin right up to the end. This is an impressively engrossing watch with a great kick at the end that Jason Clarke absolutely sells the shit out of.

24. Talk to Me

I genuinely thought the 'hype' machine was going to have seriously done a number on this, a la BARBIE, but thankfully that turned out not to be the case.

Directors Danny and Michael Philippou have taken a weathered and well-worn concept - that grief and trauma can be open gateways for otherworldly malevolence to exploit - and they've injected it with a fresh voice / energy, whilst respecting 'old standards' like practical effects work.

The concept is decidedly hokey and the lead character isn't particularly likable to say the least (though Sophie Wilde is excellent playing her), but the Philippou Brothers are so thoroughly committed here and the practical effects work is so impressive that it's infectious.

You're almost pulled 'in' despite yourself because the scares are so well-executed and the feeling of dread is so effectively threaded. You know you're being 'played' and you try to fight against it, but it's a mark of its quality that it gets you anyway.

23. Beau Is Afraid 

If Taika Waititi parlayed the goodwill and acclaim from a series of beloved low-budget Kiwi comedies into a mainstream career making multimillion dollar Marvel movies and becoming one of the most sought after studio hires of the last decade, then Ari Aster has used the instantly accepted and highly regarded successes of HEREDITARY and MIDSOMMER to... *checks notes* ... work through some complicated shit involving his relationship with his mother (and his father - who may or may not be an actual 'penis monster') and have arthouse kingmakers A24 pay $35 million for it.

This made less than a third of its $35 million budget back (because, come on now, how on earth do you effectively market this thing?) so it's tiring but true that the label "cult classic" has •already• been applied to it.

Look, I'm offering zero defence to accusations against the film that it is overlong, incredibly self-indulgent, ill-disciplined, carrying nowhere near the depth it claims to, tiresome and exhausting. It IS all those things. By the final stretch it is floundering haaard and there's a serious feeling of being trolled starting to set in.

But, first of all, it shouldn't be discounted how excellent and effective Joaquin Phoenix is here and Aster's wildly uneven material is greatly assisted by his casting. Secondly, it has to be acknowledged that there's moments - long stretches, in fact - where there's absolute brilliance at play here.

There's masterfully crafted moments of genuine hilarity (dark hilarity, for sure) alongside flashes of abject discomforting horror. I'd go so far as to say some of the most interesting, inventive, unique and intriguing moments in cinema this year are tucked away inside this behemoth of a clusterfuck.

People pushed hard for the extended cut of MIDSOMMER to be released. I'm pushing for the reduced cut of this.

22. There’s Something in the Barn 

 I thoroughly enjoyed and had a great time with this. It's not at all embarrassed to lean into its influences, evoking affectionate RARE EXPORTS / GREMLINS vibes without coming across like its heavily plagiarising from them.

 It’s got a terrific dry wit to it thanks to writer Aleksander Kirkwood Brown's script and which the cast, especially Martin Starr (essentially doing his SPIDER-MAN shtick here) and a very winsome Amrita Acharia, sell well. And director Magnus Martens doesn't skimp on the dark stuff and sense of foreboding either.

 There's no snobbishness to put up against this thing - it's a horror comedy that made me laugh multiple times and jump occasionally. That's a very solid success to me and I highly recommend it if the likes of RARE EXPORTS, KRAMPUS, CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS and SINT are favourites of yours.

21. Pearl

I'm a big fan of Ti West and I really enjoyed X, which was one of my Top 25 of 2022 and which in my review I defended by saying:

"... It's very easy to dismiss what West is doing here as just an exacting homage to THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE but it's more than that. Obviously there's overt nods to it but you could also suggest West is doffing his cap affectionately to Paul Thomas Anderson's BOOGIE NIGHTS, Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO and, yes, both Lewis Teague's ALLIGATOR and Tobe Hooper's EATEN ALIVE as well..."

This is an interesting companion piece to that movie (with a third entry, MAXXXINE, imminent) made more fascinating due to how it came into existence:

 Whilst in their Covid 'bubble' prior to production beginning out in New Zealand for X, director Ti West and star Mia Goth became so enamoured with the backstory they were creating for the character of Pearl that they wrote an entire prequel, pitched it to A24 and built filming into the back end of the original production. A high value 'two-ffer' if ever there was one.

The end result is something less blatantly and broadly enjoyable than the first (second) story but it's definitely the more curious and interesting one; if X really was Ti West's TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE / BOOGIE NIGHTS / PSYCHO / EATEN ALIVE bastardisation, this is his Douglas Sirk melodrama injected with Technicolor and falsely set loose as a 'follow your dreams' fable gone really, really wrong.

It obviously lives and dies by the lead performance and, by crikey, Mia Goth is so good here. That much-memed final credits thing is lauded but it's that late stage monologue that drops your jaw a little. If horror wasn't so easily dismissed her performance would've won awards.

For years we've always considered horror prequels to be the nadir of the genre. After all, who cares if Leatherface only became Leatherface because he was made redundant? Or Jason Vorhees killing nubile teens because he got his pot farm trampled on? Or... or... how no one taking Michael Myers trick or treating turned him into a psychopath? Here though, PEARL indicates that doesn't always have to be the case.

20. Reality 

For those worrying as to whether Sydney Sweeney's tsunami of scantily-clad content across advertising and social media platforms has left her precariously overexposed (in more ways than one), along comes this fascinating and considered film to remind you that behind the bikinis, the false nails and the airbrushing is an extremely talented actress capable of incredibly powerful work.

Devoid of make-up, carrying the film nearly 70% of the time in close-up shots she can't fake her way free from and regimentally parroting the actual recorded FBI transcripts down to every sigh, stumble and gulp Sweeney is frankly astonishing in how she carries this thing.

Director Tina Satter keeps things tight in terms of both location, framing and running time (it plays as an almost real-time exercise) and as a result the film becomes a riveting, claustrophobic and maddening display (how did Reality Winner's actual charges and ridiculous sentence stand when all of this occurred without correct due process and legal entitlements being followed from the outset?) from a first-time film director showing exceptional command of her cast and her visual space.

19. Fair Play 

Chloe Domont's corporate morality play / torchlight on gender politics by way of a recalibration of the 1990s style erotic thriller is all the more astounding because of how assured and masterfully controlled it is for someone's feature directorial debut.

 Driven by two excellent performances from Phoebe Dynevor (who I'd not seen before in anything and was astonished by her) and Alden Ehrenreich (who I think is terrific and deserves treated way better by the industry), and supported by atypically great turns from Eddie Marsan and Rich Sommer, this thing has no right to be as engulfing and nail-biting as it is for what it is.

 Domont refuses to make compromises or concessions in the way she presents latent sexism, money, toxic alpha cultures, wounded pride and corporate backstabbing infecting her characters. It's a brutal, relentless ride she takes us on.

 One where the brash bloodied cunnilingus opener keeps returning to your conscience like it was heavy foreboding for what feels inevitable - these two can't keep tearing away at each other like this, surely? Not without someone dying at the other's hands.

 You keep trying to shake that feeling off, telling yourself that it's not ~that~ kind of film. But as this thing starts to barrel towards its third act it is testament to Domont, and how Dynevor / Ehrenreich are executing her material, that you come to realise all bets are off.

18. Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One 

There's action movie franchises and then there's •this• action movie franchise; hitting its stride at the fourth entry, delivering back-to-back masterpieces with its fifth and sixth and now this - a seventh entry so frickin good it rides out evident flaws (and Mark Gatiss' horrendous "accent") that would absolutely fatally decimate other films!

Because it feels sacrilegious to even say this but the latest entry manages to straddle both being very good, decidedly high end, etc etc and... *whispers it* ... kinda 'samey' to what we've had since Christopher McQuarrie became 'grand master':

Still no one trusts the inherent righteous genius of Ethan Hunt, forcing him to go against one and all. Blah blah. There's excessive shots of Tom Cruise running. Yes, yes. There's elaborate stunts seamed together by a 'not as clever as it thinks' plot. Of course. And too many characters. Far too many. Confoundingly, it feels somehow a little stale and yet brilliant.

The film's 'grand' action sequence this time round has been so overexposed, so heavily spoilt (a making of dissection for it ran before the film itself at my screening for Christ's sake) that you naturally assume it'd deflate a little by the time you see it 'in context'. That's not so. Mainly because it is actually just the entrée to the main course which is the train finale.

The climax is an utter masterwork of technical execution, mixing real stuntwork with very well done greenscreen and (yes, shocking as it is to say for a Tom Cruise movie) CGI facial replacement alongside terrifically accomplished narrative construction.

 If like me you continue to be aggrieved by the presence of Simon Pegg's Benji and how he's ostensibly exactly the same character as Luther with exactly the same skillset, routinely forcibly sidelining a vastly superior Ving Rhames, then that's more evident here than ever before. So much so that they literally 'Poochie' Luther out of the film in the third act. Which is obviously racist bullshit. Also, I know I stand alone in my apathy towards Rebecca Ferguson (I really don't get the adoration for her / her character at all) and my hatred for Vanessa Kirby and all the stupid gurning that comes with her, but both are drowned out by a crackin' turn by Pom Klementieff and a performance from Hayley Atwell that you really need to believe the hype on; she lights up the screen and is a tremendous comedy player amongst all the weighty waffle.

And that's the film's biggest flaw that ROGUE NATION and FALLOUT both managed to masterfully swerve - the minute the action stops the film starts to sink under the weight of really heavy exposition. Mounds and mounds of the stuff, in fact.  I know McQuarrie and Cruise have been open about how they conceive a script around action set-pieces but this is the first time where the stitchwork is so headache-inducing having to listen to it that you start to see a wobble in the method for the first time... even more so now McQ and Cruise have started injecting all this whiffery about "the choice" and portentous context about how IMF agents work, are recruited, etc. Like, what are you doing trying to 'John LeCarre' my fucking MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies, goddamnit?

 Still, it's the most minor of hardships considering you're never more than 10 minutes off from getting out the other side of all that exposition and getting to another sublime action sequence or a close up of Atwell's wonderous smile.

17. Sisu 

"Sisu is a Finnish concept described as stoic determination, tenacity of purpose, grit, bravery, resilience, and hardiness, and is held by Finns themselves to express their national character. It is generally considered not to have a literal equivalent in English (tenacity, grit, resilience and hardiness are much the same things, but do not necessarily imply stoicism or bravery)."- Wikipedia

The RAMBO sequels should look to this, kneel before it and weep just for being in its presence.

And we better start doing the same with Jalmari Helander, who in just three movies has done Finnish 'interpretations' of John Carpenter horrors, 80s Amblin movies and now 'lone warrior' action films to magnificent effect.

This is a gloriously ridiculous live action cartoon of violent excess and bonkers propulsion; land, water and air set-pieces of utter insanity stitched together with inventive, nasty gore.

It is outlandish in its speed, its fat-free story construction and its refusal to ever stop or give way to wimpy, silly things like character development.

16. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

I totally get Hollywood's whoreish mentality for seeing something succeed and then bastardising it to the point that what we once loved is something we become bored by - it's why we suffered through a noughties onslaught of what felt like nothing but zombie movies because 28 DAYS LATER landed well or why everyone's trying to do "shared universes" now because of Marvel.

Or why after the massive success and instant affection for INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE every animated movie of late has been plagiarising the hell out of it.

You saw the trailer for this - a heavily belated sequel to a spin-off from a SHREK sequel - pulling that very shit and it just felt a bit like your old dad after your mum's left him, spraying on the 'hair filler' and squeezing into skinny jeans to "get back out there" and prove he's "still got it"...

... and then it just casually reveals itself to be a film of massively inventive design (both visually and narratively), that's surprisingly deep and very funny - and as a result superior to both its predecessor and the entire franchise from which it was born.

You don't •think• you NEED time spent in the company of Olivia Colman and Ray Winstone as Mama Bear and Papa Bear or Florence Pugh as Goldilocks and John Mulaney as Jack Horner... or best of all ELITE SQUAD's Wagner Moura as Death... but you absolutely do! Don't make the mistake of thinking you're 'above' this sort of thing, cos I can guarantee you you're not.

It's a delight!

15. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny 

It feels like I've got to be apologetic in my opinion of this if 'Film Twitter' / the critical majority is to be believed, in which case I'm sorry but I enjoyed this. I just don't think you should ever underestimate the positive impact factor(s) that can be drawn from this particular actor turning up on screen as this particular character, scored to John Williams' music. And I'm saying this as someone who's seen KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.

 I can see why people would have issue with this latest / last outing; it's overlong to the point of bagginess (there's a staleness that starts to set in from the repetition of Jones and Co landing at a location, having the baddies immediately show up, outwit them and make off with the macguffin only for Jones to steal it back) and the character of Helena Shaw is a fairly odious and unlikeable one who exists to cause more shit for Indiana Jones than is tolerable (and I was no fan for the most part of how Phoebe Waller-Bridge played her).

And then there's the 'look' of it too. Did it HAVE to have such a shitty, plastic sheen to it? It cannot be overstated that one of the most tremendous qualities of those first three INDIANA JONES movies was in how Spielberg went out to REAL locations and had Vic Armstrong and Harrison Ford REALLY ride REAL horses and jumped on top of REAL tanks or fall under REAL trucks. Here, it's pixels and screens. Again. With nothing learnt from the issues KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL generated.

James Mangold has done a commendable job of 'apeing' Steven Spielberg and there's a lot - and I mean a lot - of great action here. But the vast majority of it has the shine taken off by continually cutting into terrifically adrenalinised action sequences to insert very obvious greenscreened shots of Ford and Waller-Bridge bickering and shouting like they were really honestly / definitely / maybe there involved with the sequence when it was getting filmed.

It's infuriating because this thing is stacked to the gills with thoroughly enjoyable, legitimately well-designed action sequences - the escape from the castle in the French Alps, the Apollo 11 parade and New York City Subway chase, the Tangier sequence, the Aegean Sea set-piece, the Ear of Dionysius cavern stuff and the airfield chase - but in every single one there's moments of really quite shoddy CGI that draws you right out of the moment to remind you 80% of this was done on computers. There's not ever a moment to make you gasp in awe at how the stunt-man survived like in the original trilogy. But there's a LOT of moments that has you thinking "This thing cost $350 million?"

But all that said, Mangold making a 'fan' version of a Steven Spielberg INDIANA JONES movie is better than Steven Spielberg phoning in one. And I'm not going to lie, this thing had me from the minute the font come up in the opening titles and we got a straight-up legitimate 1940s set INDIANA JONES mini-movie (which seemed to sit as an eery bedfellow to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 7, weirdly enough) with the best... though still not flawless... de-ageing techniques I've seen.

14. The Fabelmans

It's more than a little disingenuous for all involved, specifically Steven Spielberg himself, to describe this as "semi-autobiographical" and "loosely based" on his adolescence and first years as a filmmaker when anyone who's read any number of books on the man or watched director Susan Lacy's 2017 biographical documentary can see the beats are all there, wholesale. If THIS is "loosely" then the biopic version would be the greatest invasion of privacy ever committed. This ~isn't~ a "fable", man!

I can also see with it why some have braced against it and the instant critical adoration that was applied to it, because the longer it sticks around the more muddled it becomes about what its point of view is and whether it has anything left to say. By the end it slides to a stop after 2½ hours with an admittedly wonderful (and wonderfully bizarro) comedic bon mot having scattered barely etched vignettes / sketches in its final stretch. And tonally, there's questions as to really what was trying to be said with that late 'Ditch Day' subplot and whether co-writer Tony Kushner was working through his OWN stuff within Spielberg's memory bank.

That being said, I loved it in all honesty. For the first two thirds of its running time, I thought it was •really• something special - and anyone pushing out the notion that this is Spielberg on autopilot ain't watching this properly. That cold pan cutting his [screen] father from the frame in a moment of parental happiness but leaving in his [screen] mother and her lover? That's some brutal, subtle craftsmanship there. And layered on top of choices like that is more precision cinematography from Janusz Kamiński and scoring (for the final time?) by John Williams.

The performances across the board from Gabriel LaBelle (as 'Sammy' / Spielberg), Michelle Williams, Paul Dano, [CENSORED] and Seth Rogen are extremely good. Though as atypically great as Williams is here, I'm not certain this ends up being the 'ode' to Spielberg's mum, Leah Adler, that some think it to be.

I totally understand the perspective of those that see this cynically as a 'pre-designed awards hoover' - you can't help but come away from Judd Hirsch's cameo feeling like the entire thing was written as a Best Supporting Actor Oscar clip reel - but for me it just hit me right in the chest... exactly as it will for anyone who spent some of their best summers with their dearest friends, being creative, making films, watching films, dreaming of a future that involved cinema, fending off unsupportive family and trying to hold close those that did try to help your talent flourish.

13. Babylon

As much as Film Twitter has taken against BABYLON's final moment, it must be said that for a "love letter" to cinema and the movie industry overall, Chazelle can 'sign it off' how he likes (and "SINGIN' IN THE RAIN to AVATAR" is certainly •a• take!) with no obligation to be subtle. However, considering there's NOTHING subtle about this film whatsoever preceding it, why you'd think it's conclusion would be any different is silly.

I'm a Damien Chazelle fan. I liked WHIPLASH and LA LA LAND enormously and I genuinely consider FIRST MAN one of the finest films of the last decade. No matter its flaws (of which there are several), I drew a great deal of enjoyment from this, his latest effort. Repeat viewings have put it as one of my favourite films of 2023.

It's a very, very messy film. Chazelle seems to believe the debauchery and excess of the era his narrative lands within - Hollywood's transition from silent to sound films in the late 1920s - gives him unrestrained reign with an overindulgent running time and a cavalcade of graphic content. Added to all the blood, vomit, excrement, etc etc the opening Kinoscope Studios Exec's bacchanalian mansion party is the "opening sequence of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN" of debauched, drug-fuelled, orgy sequences in cinema.

There's no real consistent throughline to any of this which makes it all the more difficult to embrace across 190 minutes and because it plays like a plethora of sketches it has massive peaks and troughs Chazelle doesn't always seem to have total control of - the vignette involving Margot Robbie's Nellie LaRoy first experience of recording a 'sound' take starts solid, gets funny, outstays its welcome and then beats you into submission.

There's a lot of excellence here though. Whether that's in Brad Pitt's surprisingly layered, moving and deft turn or through the sojourns onto the desert location shoots of multiple oscillating productions, topped off with the very 'on' appearance of Spike Jonze's 'Not Otto Preminger' Otto Von Strassberger.

I'm thinking that opening on elephant defecation and sordid acts of urolagnia is something that in retrospect director Damien Chazelle may well be regretting now critics have been "pissy" about his latest film and it's now considered the big box office "turd" of the year.

12. The Killer 

I've seen a few people talk about this as if it's "beneath" David Fincher, inarguably one of our greatest working filmmakers today. Like a tight hitman-out-for-revenge yarn based on Alexis Nolent and Luc Jacamon's comic book series is not "worthy" of him or something. Clearly these people are forgetting this is the same guy who spent 6 years in development hell on a WORLD WAR Z sequel, gave us the glorious (if flawed) bit of pulp that was THE GAME, the immensely effective b-movie in an a-picture gown in PANIC ROOM and remade an adaptation of a popular airport potboiler with THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO in amongst whatever is regarded as his "prestige" flicks.

It's absolutely a David Fincher movie; that's apparent in the droll humour, the Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross soundtrack and the clever visual flourishes - like the entire Amazon 'bit' in the final stretch.

It's a caper. A yarn, if you will. A bit of pulp, just with high end flourishes - such as Fincher's meticulous choices, Erik Messerschmidt's cinematography and the casting itself (Fassbender, Arliss Howard, Charles Parnell and Tilda Swinton).

There's this brilliant layering here between the clinical, detailed voiceover Michael Fassbender provides (that leads us to believe this is an assassin at the peak of his 'game') and the actions we physically see from him on screen (missed shots, beat downs suffered, etc) that indicate there's a little bit more than what's on the surface.

I had an absolute blast with this - a tight / immensely refreshing sub two hour, jet black comedic (the aliases!!) thriller that sits as Fincher's hat tip to Jean-Pierre Melville's classic, LE SAMOURAÏ.

... Though I do want to deduct a star off my final rating for the bit where Tilda Swinton co-opted my favourite 'go to' pub joke that I've relied on for 20 years. Now whenever I tell it people are going to say I've just ripped it off this, goddamnit!

11. Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

What an absolute gem of a film!

You knew you were in steady hands because Judy Blume's 1970 source novel is just that good, Kelly Fremon Craig's EDGE OF SEVENTEEN is an instant classic and there's a dependable excellence that comes with casting the likes of Rachel McAdams and Kathy Bates.

But there was always the risk that this COULD'VE got fucked up. Some idiot at the studio might have tried to modernise it. Or believe that it needed more 'incident'. Or cast someone too precocious in the lead role. But James L. Brooks clearly bodyguarded this thing correctly.

The final result is a sweet, funny and very lovely little film with an absolute sweetheart of a turn from Abby Ryder Fortson as the title character.

I genuinely loved spending time watching this.

10. 20 Days in Mariupol 

There's a moment in this - Mstyslav Chernov's truly harrowing frontline documentary of the twenty days he and his colleagues spent besieged in Mariupol after Russia began its invasion of Ukraine - involving an emergency cesarean and an unresponsive newborn that is more upsetting, more thrilling and more uplifting than the combination of every horror and every feelgood drama released in the last five years.

This is the most important and vital film you'll see this year and then never ever want to see again.

More so because as humans in this modern age we rather callously only seem to have the heart / stomach / attention-span for one 'war' at a time, and we appear to have abandoned the Ukrainian conflict to refocus our outrage on what's going on in Gaza instead.

For large parts of it we feel like Mstyslav Chernov's been given exclusive access to the pits of hell and he's taking us on a tour. This is intense and riveting, shockingly so considering the unrepentant footage of dead or dying children.

9. The Night of the 12th 

I've worked in the field of investigation for over 20 years and I can tell you this much - this movie fuckin gets 'it', man.

In opening with the title card that it does it offsets any eventual disappointment you may feel when the ending arrives. You don't feel short-changed because you've been brought in from the start to share the frustration with the characters.

There's nothing easy here. Nothing pat. Just real investigatory pathways followed with dead ends jumping out in front when everything in your gut says this lead, that lead or the next was going to be 'the one'.

It painstakingly shows that the work is in the hours. And the work can become an obsession. An obsession that gives nothing back equitable to what it takes from you.

It starts with a suitably harrowing and upsetting sequence and it ends on character uplift in lieu of narrative resolution. It also sits as one of the best movies about the art and reality of investigation in modern cinema.

8. The Creator 

If there's anyone out there still 'over crediting' Tony Gilroy for the success of ROGUE ONE - one of the best (and the last great) STAR WARS films - this is the "fuck you" exhibit.

Gareth Edwards' sci-fi action epic doesn't entirely land its thematic intentions and hampers itself somewhat by placing dramatic reliance on the anti-acting vessel that is Gemma Chan, but by crikey is it an enthralling and gorgeous-looking ride. (John David Washington remains a magnetic watch, though I do wonder because he sounds so much like his dad whether we're all just hooked on the idea that they've 'prequelised' Denzel?)

You're gifted something here that feels like 1982 Ridley Scott and 1993 James Cameron have got together to play with action figures and do a sci-fi Vietnam movie... it's glorious stuff!

Full of some of the best effects and well realised set-pieces of the year, it's the old 'protect the child' trope given a beautiful lick of paint thick to feel make it feel just about unique enough and a) stand out in an ocean of comic book movies and sequels, and b) probably make Neil Blomkamp go "Ahhh. That's how you do this? Riii-ght!"

So of course no fucker showed up to watch it!

7. Close 

I don't really have friends. I don't have the sort of 'personality' that lends itself to people being able to find me tolerable at the most basic level - at least for more than a couple of hours at a time anyway. 

I've come to accept and acknowledge this fact the older I've got in life. I've always tried to make friends / keep friends etc but the type of person I am seemingly lends itself to being easily used and/or quickly put down.

It wasn't always like this though. When I was a child there was a boy who saw something in me that others did not and could not. He was in my class and lived close by my grandparents, where I spent most of my time. We were bonded by our loneliness amidst a sea of heads at school as much as our shared sense of humour. Even at a young age I came to appreciate this friend for simply •liking• me and we quickly became inseparable.

On the last day of school, with a vast and limitless summer ahead of us before separate high schools would provide an inevitable divide, we had an argument. A silly, stupid, ~nothing~ argument - significant enough in postscript that I can still recall it now 31 years on - that degenerated into shoving and me accidentally banging his head off a bathroom wall during lunchbreak.

We left school that day with our friendship impacted and the first week of the summer holiday's heavily damaged by him not being by my side in it. And on the very night that I finally decided I didn't want this to continue any longer... that the very next morning I would pick up the phone and ask him if he wanted to go ride bikes in the dene... he died.

An asthma attack. A fuckin asthma attack.

He died not believing that I was his friend and that devastated me. It still does. 31 years later, I think about Neil at least once a week. I see clips of talent show magicians and KNOW that'd have been him. I've tried all my life to replicate a friendship like it and I've never succeeded. But can we ever generate that closeness in adulthood towards someone like we could as children, when we were free of responsibility and bonded by limitless possibility?

I've frequently wondered what my life would've been like if Neil had still been in it, telling myself over and over that this would've been one of the rare pre-teen childhood friendships that lasted.

I miss him and would give anything to be able to deliver the apology to him that he deserved then and is still owed now.

So... all THAT said... it goes without saying that this deeply human, carefully etched and very naturally drawn drama hit me like a train travelling at 150mph.

This is one of the most effective and important films about grief, trauma-processing, adolescence and friendship that there's been in some time.

It really is a brilliant piece of cinema that should be shown in schools to every kid from twelve upwards.

6. The Eight Mountains 

Felix van Groeningen and Charlotte Vandermeersch's adaption of Paolo Cognetti's novel is a (both visually and emotionally) astonishingly beautiful effort with two fascinating and textured performances from Alessandro Borghi as the adult Bruno and Luca Marinelli as the adult Pietro.

It's an intimate epic; a careful, patient and quietly profound treaty on friendship, life, love, ambition, Buddhist concepts, ancient Indian cosmology, growth, nature and the weight of legacy.

Come for the stunning footage of the gorgeous Italian Alps, but stay to be deeply moved by something really rather special, wholehearted and sincere that steps right over whatever BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN esque expectations or assumptions you may well carry into this.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem 

I've never understood anyone - especially the aged fanboys frequently responsible for ruining the STAR WARS and MARVEL 'discourse' - who's shown territoriality over the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES as a "franchise".

The reason this ramshackle 1984 indie comic by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird has blown up into five television series, seven films, multiple video games and a range of toys / merchandise for four decades is mostly down to the way it sorta reinvents itself every five or so years. Which means there's some form of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 'content' now for all of us in one way or another.

And one of the most impressive - but not THE most impressive - things about this film is how it incorporates something from everything that's gone before without becoming a complete mess. The spirit of the comic book source material is front and centre alongside the legitimate effort of the 1990 movie adaptation. The "that'll do" crappy clart of its sequels is avoided whilst the huge scale of the maligned Bay-ified 2014 - 2016 movies is represented. It definitely captures everything about the first Saturday morning cartoon that enamoured the property to us way back when.

It's a glorious effort. It truly is. I watched it with my son and his friends and the huge grins on their faces was infectious. I struggled to think of another entertainment entity that has moved so effortlessly through the generations like this has.

It's a visually resplendent film. It takes the reconfiguration of the animated form a la the SPIDER-VERSE movies and delivers a surprisingly more focused and tighter effort than the latest SPIDER-VERSE sequel. It is dripping with an energy and confidence that will surprise you, as well as a whole heap of heart and humour that will delight.

Yeah, there's moments here and there where the energetic visual styling becomes a little too cluttered in its action sequences but it is a minor grumble against what is a surprising instant masterpiece of its type:

A sweet and funny teen movie walking in the shoes of an animated giant sized comic book blockbuster wearing the coat of a New York conspiracy film, drenched in classic East Coast hip-hop and a score by by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and performed by one of the most impressively eclectic voice casts of recent.

(Within a roster of Hannibal Buress, Rose Byrne, John Cena, Ice Cube, Natasia Demetriou, Ayo Edebiri, Giancarlo Esposito, Post Malone, Rogen, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Micah Abbey, Shamon Brown Jr, Nicolas Cantu and Brady Noon, it is Jackie Chan that absolutely steals this thing by a considerable distance!)

4. Asteroid City 

If you aren't a Wes Anderson fan this is not the film that is going to convert you. An immaculately stylised and composed metatextual 'Russian Nesting Doll' celebration of the construction of art and the art of storytelling? No way. No how.

There was elements of it that didn't work for me but what •did• work I was head over heels in love with. The [CENSORED]*constructs felt almost like afterthoughts and didn't particularly resonate. A lot of reviews hit Anderson for being unfocused and overindulgent, and I kinda can see where they're coming from. But only with regards to that particular element.

[* censored by me and hopefully by everyone else because they've done a wonderful job of hiding the story construct from the marketing]

The rest of the film is primo Wes Anderson in his most astonishingly stylised form with his attention to detail never more sharp.

A complaint that must be noted though is in the casting, where the usual 'Anderson Players' appear to have ran a 'pyramid scheme'; bringing in actors who's casting has attracted other actors to the point of it being too cluttered an ensemble in too lean a film to let everyone truly shine. Despite all the plaudits, I think Scarlett Johansson is well out of her depth here. And I just think if you're going to hire the likes of Steve Carell (replacing a Covid-addled Bill Murray at the last minute), Margot Robbie (who should've played Johansson's part, and vice versa) and the sublime Sophia Lillis but barely use them properly it's almost a crime!

When it's funny it is hilarious. When it is delightful it sits as a heavenly confection. And when it wobbles it still isn't as ponderous and disappointing as some of the lesser elements of THE FRENCH DISPATCH.

3. Oppenheimer 

I found every plaudit for this to be true and what a reward it was to receive as cinema lies stale in its current state, crusted with the stale decay of innumerable shitty-sheened superhero movies and sequels to things no one was asking for.

Here's a mature, complex, expertly constructed character study of great depth and intelligence; a film primarily made up of scientists and mathematicians thinking and squabbling amongst themselves whilst a non-linear deep betrayal born of immense pettiness plays out almost as an appendices to the traditional biopic... yet, thanks to the music of Ludwig Göransson and editing by Jennifer Lame, it moves like this insanely kinetic action thriller instead.

The ending stretch feels almost ~too~ trite and neat though, it must be said. Although maybe I'm tarnished by a feeling that no movie should depend on the cripplingly irritating overacting of Rami Malek to play last-minute 'saviour'.

Cillian Murphy is frankly outstanding here and whilst most critics have the Best Supporting Actor Oscar locked for Robert Downey Jr (who's brilliant and who's Lewis Strauss receives a 'kiss off' by Nolan here that almost feels like a Marvel Cinematic Universe esque tease for a sequel about Strauss arranging the JFK assassination!) it would be good to see Matt Damon get some recognition here as his General Groves very nearly steals the whole movie with very little.

The casting is so sumptous overall that every scene induces a "Hey! That's..." as the likes of Kenneth Branagh, Josh Hartnett, Casey Affleck, David Krumholtz, Matthew Modine, Benny Safdie, Jason Clarke, Michael Angarano, Jack Quaid, Josh Peck, Olivia Thirlby, Macon Blair, Tom Conti, James D'Arcy, David Dastmalchian, Dane DeHaan, Alden Ehrenreich, Tony Goldwyn, Alex Wolff, James Remar, James Urbaniak and (is it a spoiler to say?) Gary Oldman as Harry S. Truman roll out to 'play' for one or two minutes.

It's the sort of movie so stacked and packed even at 3 hours that it puts Emily Blunt (as Katherine "Kitty" Oppenheimer) in such an undercooked and underdeveloped role you wonder why they cast a 'star' in it... until that clearance hearing scene near the end where she goes and delivers the impact of a... well... an atomic bomb and you think to yourself "Oh. That's why they cast Emily Blunt!"

It's a gorgeous-looking - Hoyte van Hoytema's cinematography is luscious - cinematic achievement by Christopher Nolan, where his visual ambition and clinical cinematic technique have really come together once again to remind you the term "modern great" as a filmmaker is well earned.

2. Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves 

A "great time" - seeing as the film itself had my beloved GAME NIGHT's Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley at the helm - perhaps. But a resoundingly delightful time that left me instantly eager for more of these movies and DEFINITELY future revisits of this one? I'm shocked at just how brilliant this was.

I can't believe that one of my favourite films of the year is a 'fantasy heist action comedy adventure' based on the infamous tabletop role-playing game.

Especially considering I've never played nor have any frame of reference / interest towards the tabletop game (my sole DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 'knowledge' stems from the 1980s cartoon series - which gets a pretty terrific nod here!) and one-third of the cast is made up of actors (Michelle Rodriguez and Regé-Jean Page) I can't normally stand.

I've been a big Chris Pine fan for a long time now and his performance in this only increases the fandom. And I've flat-out crushed on Sophia Lillis since IT and she's pretty tremendous (if a little underserved) here. The whole cast - yeah, including Rodriguez - are pretty wonderful with Hugh Grant clearly having a grand ol' time, a "big star" mid-movie cameo that'll only land depending on your opinion of this diversive 'talent' and Justice Smith very nearly stealing the movie out from under Pine.

This thing is built within the framework of a marriage between THE PRINCESS BRIDE and the aforementioned GAME NIGHT. It's ostensibly LORDS OF THE RINGS meets OCEAN'S 11; a series of ever escalating challenges and heists that are thrillingly executed within a film that's very, very, VERY funny. The opening prologue is a complete statement of intent ("Where's Jonathan?") that tells you exactly the movie you're going to get.

Killers of the Flower Moon / Godzilla: Minus One 

Simply astonishing to indulge in - there's such a deft, surprising delicacy to elements of Martin Scorsese's Killers of the Flower Moon that's all the more astounding considering the abhorrent subject matter.

That comes mainly from the performance Lily Gladstone provides this film with. In a sea of tremendous work - and by God it's both magnificent to see Robert DeNiro be great again and for Leonardo DiCaprio to finally do something in my eyes that lives up to his [overstated] reputation - she is working on some other stratospheric level.

Comments about the length by some don't resonate with me. I certainly didn't feel it, necessarily. It's probably the length it needs to be to do justice to the masterful source material its adapted, deliver a legitimate love story (of which, don't be fooled by its toxicity, this is), a film of weighted historical and cultural context AND a true life / true crime procedural.

It's surprisingly less gratuitous than you'd probably expect too. Especially considering we're in the hands of our greatest living filmmaker, someone who's never shied away from presenting us with absolute violence of an uncompromised nature.

There's also these splashes of jet black comedy occasionally popping up too - like the horribly bleak but darkly funny scene in which one henchman asks a lawyer about whether adopting then killing his Osage wife's kids would make him a benefactor of their riches. When the lawyer rightly points out it sounds like he's confessing to planning child murders he replies not unless the lawyer's answer would be affirmative.

This is a film that consumes you. It pulls you in and drags you down - you're in the presence of pure evil and weak character, and Scorsese expertly holds you there so escape feels as impossible as justice must have to the Osage.

It's very easy to 'throw around' the term "masterpiece" when it comes to Martin Scorsese. Mainly because the fucker keeps effortlessly making 'em. But by crikey this really is one.

Equally majestic as a piece of cinema, but in an entirely different form and genre is Takashi Yamazaki's Godzilla: Minus One.

By concentrating on making an interesting drama with genuinely well-etched characters (that just so happens to have a giant radioactive monster passing through intermittently) equal to a barnstorming blockbuster creature feature (that allows itself to be infected with enthralling drama and character development), this steps up in the year of the Godzilla franchise’s 70th year to take the position as its best entry [by a considerable distance] in its illustrious history.

Buzzing with some of the best set-pieces of the year soundtracked to a thumping and all-consuming score by Naoki Sato, there’s genius in recalibrating a Godzilla movie – of all things – in order to develop an incredibly touching human drama and social commentary about what makes a family, what is the true definition of patriotism and courage, what real service to one’s country presents as and how to find air to breathe / the will to go on in a post-war Japan where unrelenting despair hangs in the atmosphere wherever your head turns and ‘fear’ manifests itself as a skyscraper-sized lizard-of-sorts.

We know we’re being played with the cute kid and the manipulative makeshift family relations, but that doesn’t stop it being wonderful. The marriage of sincere impacts caused by war and loss with sci-fi fantasy (but no less tense) fantasy action shouldn’t work, but they very much do. This thing is firing on multiple levels and it succeeds across the board to stand as the best blockbuster of the year.   

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Here's a Letterboxd link for this whole thing if you're that way inclined.

Tell your mum I said hello.

See you next year...

[septembersghost]

Yesterday I listened to fine line from top to bottom to celebrate her birthday and I am once again pissed at grammys for snubbing her. Like FL was one of the best albums in 2019-20 and it deserved a nomination for AOTY(we know nothing could beat folklore but FL deserved to be on the list). I don't know how it only got 1 Grammy like........a lot of people found solace in her and she deserved big 4 nominations .

our vibes are so aligned, i listened to it from top to bottom yesterday too! many of the songs are really never out of rotation, but it had been a bit since i'd listened to the album all the way through, and yet again i was struck by what a brilliant record it is. just perfectly crafted from top to bottom; depicts a whole emotional journey; meaningful/insightful lyricism along with the complete bops; rich, quirky, interesting instrumentation/production (the glockenspiel in golden! the submarine and the bass in adore you! the horns in ws! the gospel choir in lights up! the harmonies in cherry! the piano line in falling! the cello in tbsl and when he blows out the match! the dulcimer he learned to play for canyon moon! i could go on!); impeccable vocals. my mom and i were talking about falling and how affecting it still is last week (and how beautiful, especially on headphones), and honestly it's true of fine line as a whole. to begin with golden, which is actual sunshine captured in music, to close with fine line being such a powerful track, both aching and cathartic. the way we'll be alright ended up carrying so many of us.

something i noticed looking at some posts/tweets for fine line yesterday was exactly what you said - so many people found solace in that record, it's like it created a safe, comforting place for us to go and spend some time when the world was heavy. as much as i can't imagine getting through 2020 without folklore, i can't without fine line either (and fine line was already really important to me, even at the end of 2019, the events of 2020 just added depth to that). folklore is a masterpiece and changed the trajectory of taylor's career in some ways, and it's so defining as a piece of art and culture, but that doesn't lessen fine line's worth! i genuinely love hs3 and find it a joy to listen to, but there's something so special and meaningful in fine line. i totally agree it merited more recognition. as his career grows, i wonder if it will be re-evaluated with time, like red has been for taylor (even before red tv). (it's a little wild that its grammy award came for arguably the weakest song on the record, even though it was the most popular. and i am by no means against watermelon sugar, i love it, but! the album is much more than that). the grammys are inexplicable and very political at times, and there's not necessarily rhyme or reason to what they decide is "deserving," as cool as it is to see our faves be nominated/win, the ultimate arbiters of how valuable any music is comes down to what it meant and continues to mean to us. that's the thing i think harry is aware of too, and why he celebrates it with us (the album is yours, i am yours; i love you every day, but especially today; pink and blue forever!), because he realizes how dear it is and that it was a real light amidst a lot of uncertainty and darkness. i'll never forget that.