#still might? my primary thought has been 'would it be rude to ask her to sign my copy of Art of Darkness at the stage door' though

[marzipanandminutiae]

out of curiosity, which outfits did you find interesting (despite the theme) this year?

Everyone who dressed up like Lagerfeld's cat was doing their damndest to infuse some artistic interest back into what's meant to be an over-the-top art museum costume gala, and bless them for it

Apparently this is Doja Cat. Good job, Doja Cat. You will be spared the Snake Pit For Low-Effort Millionaires.

And the folks who in other ways tried to do something eccentric and elaborate despite the theme basically being Here Is An Excuse To Dress Boring For The Met Gala

I do not know enough about Lagerfeld's work to know what this has to do with the most recent Sketchy Yet Famous honoree, but Janelle Monae at least looks Artistic And Weird. Good for her!

Thank the gods for Lil Nas X.

Google says this is Met Gala co-chair Michaela Coel. The placement of the "pasties" and fringe-looking "skirt" beading remind me of Josephine Baker, but that's probably just my very specific frame of reference. Either way, love it!

I need to catch up on What We Do In The Shadows. Anyway, Harvey Guillien is fast cementing himself as one of the few Men Who Understand The Assignment every year.

As is tradition, my sister sent me JChas' look, and as seems to be tradition, it was a lovely and very Safe dress that I'm sure had something or other to do with the theme. That being said, I do think that shade of blonde makes her look like a mom who exclusively dresses little Brynleigh-Aynn in taupe:

Solid! Possibly going to yell at a Whole Foods employee for not having the organic vegan gluten-free water brand she wants, but only after she's acquitted of her rich husband's murder.

[radexchangeprogram]

This is a random one but can I request head cannons of the Brothers and Dateables reacting to an MC that’s actually a half demon but was really great at hiding her demon side since she grew up in the human world? They see a demon man just bounding towards MC before the boys could do anything MC’s like “DAD! 😃” before jumping in his arms like a child. Around her Dad she gains fangs and horns like him but she reverts back to normal when she wants to. The boys are like “Why didn’t you say anything?” And she’s like “I’m just used to my human side” or “You never asked 🤷🏾‍♀️”

Of course! I love this idea. I didn’t get a chance to proof read this so I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.

Author’s notes at the end (marked by *s)

Spoiler warning for up to chapter 17 to be safe. Especially with Belphie.

Half Demon GN!MC Headcanons

General

Everyone noticed that you never seemed too bothered by the fact that you were surrounded by demons, but figured you were just rather good at adapting.

This theory was proven wrong at a party Lord Diavolo hosted.

As you chatted with the brothers, a large demon with griffon wings, a lion’s mane, and horns similar to a gazelle began to head in the direction of your group.

The demon, who the others instantly recognized as Duke Vapula, walked up to them with a cheeky grin.

The brothers were instantly on guard, Mammon even growling slightly, as it was extremely uncommon for anyone to approach them so casually.

Diavolo, Barbatos, Simeon, Luke, and Solomon all took notice and were prepared to intervine should something happen.

You turned around to see what the issue was and let out a loud gasp.

“DAD!”

Lucifer

Absolutely dumbfounded. How did he not know about this? He read your files to the point of practically memorizing them before you came here and he swears there was nothing about you being a half demon.

He was honestly a bit embarrassed that he didn’t know about something this major.

When confronting you, all you did was say that it wasn’t that big of a deal and that you figured they already knew.

You really give him a migraine sometimes.

He feels a bit relieved that he doesn’t have to worry as much about you dying, though.

If you wish, he may start teaching you demonic etiquette, such as having you shift form at formal events.

If you prefer your human heritage, he won’t pressure you to conform to your demonic ancestory.

Mammon

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HIS HUMAN ISN’T ENTIRELY HUMAN?!?

The loudest about his displeasure about not knowing.

“I’m your first man! I’m supposed to know everything about you!”

When you explain to him that you’re more comfortable with your human half, he calms down a little.

Tries to call you ‘stupid half-demon’ but it doesn’t feel the same as ‘stupid human’ :(

You tell him he can just keep calling you ‘stupid human’ :D

Wonders if he can get your dad to pay him for ‘providing his child with such incredible protection’.

You immediately tell him no.

Leviathan

Holy shit this sounds like something straight out of an anime!!!

Very upset that you didn’t tell him, you’re his Henry! You’re supposed to tell him these kind of things!

When you shrug and simply say that no one asked, he gets even more pouty.

You make up with him quickly by offering to play games with him all night.

Extremely curious about your demonic form for the primary purpose of cosplay. Do you know how many more characters you can be if you have a tail or wings?!?

You might inspire some fanfiction. (half demon Henry x Lord of Shadows au slow burn 100k words, def not Leviathan projecting no not at all-)

Satan

He is extremely shocked. Not only did he have no idea, but half demons are extremely rare.

From what he’s read, most half-human half-demon offspring don’t survive past birth and all documented cases that have survived reside in the Devildom so that their powers can be better managed.

He asks you about this and you reply that you’re actually quite good at controlling your powers, but that you prefer living as a normal human.

He’s not upset that you didn’t tell him, but he has a billion questions.

How long is your lifespan? Do you take more after your demonic father or your human mother in terms of power?What are your weaknesses?

He really wants to learn more about human-demon hybrids and will ask you to help in his studies.

Also a bit excited as your father is well known for some for his knowledge and writing about the sciences. He wants to discuss some of it with you, assuming you’ve read what your father has written.*

Asmodeus

Oh he is so excited.

A bit relieved that his charm isn’t wearing off, it just doesn’t work because you’re the child of a demonic duke!

You know those boiling hot springs he talks about visiting? Well he’s happy to learn that you actually can join him without fear of your skin melting off!

He’s not upset that you didn’t tell him, getting mad over stuff like that can cause wrinkles.

He will absolutely want to help you groom your horns/wings/scales/tail.

He already has shown you a lot about demonic fashion trends, such as extra clothing that can be fitted around demonic extremities, but now he actually can actually have you try on some! Do you prefer gold tail bangles or jeweled horn cuffs?

Beelzebub

Relieved that Duke Vapula wasn’t looking for a fight.

He can’t help but smile a little when you hug your dad. It makes him happy that you love your family.

When you blush and tell him that it just slipped your mind to tell everyone about your heritage, he isn’t upset.

Happy that he doesn’t have to be so scared of accidentally hurting you with how strong he is.

If you’re able to safely eat some more demonic food, he will absolutely get you to try some of his favorite foods that normal humans would die upon eating.

Overall, you’re still the MC he has grown to love and doesn’t treat you too differently.

Belphegor

Is now more awake than he has been the entire evening.

Half demon? Nah this is just some dream.

Is understanding when you explain to him that you prefer being human and living as a human.

He’s happy he found out after making amends with you. He used to despise half-demons just as much as normal humans, seeing them as repulsive.

He still very much treats you the same, but is a bit annoyed with his brothers.

With knowledge of your demonic blood coming to light, they drag you out even more often and naps with you are becoming rarer.

If you get too overwhelmed with his brothers constantly wanting to try things they thought would previously kill you, he will be more than happy to lend you some of his hiding spots. He does charge the small fee of getting to take a nap with you though.

Diavolo

Similar to Lucifer, is shocked that he didn’t know before you came to the Devildom.

You aren’t the first half-demon he’s met, but he is surprised that a demon of Duke Vapula’s rank had a child with a human.

He’s actually very excited to learn that you’re a half-demon who is in more in touch with your human side. He feels a lot more relieved that you aren’t as defenseless as previously thought.

He does, however, make absolute sure that you have full control over your demonic powers. Every other half-demon lives in the Devildom for a reason and he can’t have someone who is technically one of his subjects accidentally cause mass destruction.

He invites you for tea more frequently, asking so many questions about how being raised in the human world as a half-demon was.

He likes to exchange stories with you about your younger years and the power fluxes you both struggled with as you grew.

Tells you that should you ever wish to live in the Devildom that he would be more than happy to make the needed arrangements.

Barbatos

He knew the whole time. When Diavolo asked him to look into the success of the program, he made note of your heritage right away.

However, he decided that keeping this information hidden when he saw that you were raised human and preferred to be seen as human.

When he explains this to everyone, you can’t help but feel thankful.

While some of the others make no effort to hide how annoyed this makes them, he doesn’t mind. He knows he made the right choice keeping this from everyone and doesn’t regret it at all.

Barbatos is actually a pretty good friend of your father’s and grew up with him. He actually met you when you were a baby because of this.*

Solomon

He has seen a lot in his years in the world of magic, but nothing like this.

Usually, half-demons were very easy to spot as they struggled to control their powers, but you practically had it down to an art!

You explain to him that you’re actually pretty good at keeping your powers under control. He’s rather impressed by this and will ask to see your spell work.

Thinks it’s a little funny that he has a pact with your dad.*

Like Satan, he wants to know all about you. Unlike Satan, he is going to actually conduct experiments instead of stick to interviews.

He has a new potion that he wants you to try almost every day now.

Can half-demons make pacts? If so, you have now been added to the list of demonic beings he wants to make a pact with.

Simeon

Very surprised considering he’s blessed you before.

Blessings aren’t supposed to work on anything of demonic nature so he’s baffled.

When you explain to him that you were raised human and prefer to live as human, he smiles.

He comes to the conclusion that you being a good person must be greater than the demonic blood in your veins.

He treats you the same overall, knowing that you’re still you no matter your heritage.

Luke

Absolute denial.

There is no way someone as nice as you is part demon! He refuses to believe it!

Gets upset and accuses you of trying to manipulate him, which you quickly deny.

When you explain to him that you prefer being human, he huffs.

Simeon gives him a bit of a talking to, about how you’re still the same MC who he sees as a big sibling.

He bakes you some apology cupcakes for being rude to you.

You sometimes shift form to mess around with him, it never fails to make him let out a shocked yelp before he snaps at you for picking on him.

Everyone (except Luke) thinks it’s funny tbh.

Author’s Notes:

*Duke Vapula is described as being able to bestow knowledge about all science contained in books.

*Barbatos is also a duke in The Goetia. I thought a fun nod to this would be to have them as friends.

*The Goetia talks about the 72 demons that King Solomon evoked. Vapula is one of the demons that he evoked. The game actually references this by talking about his 72 pacts. Asmodeus and Barbatos are both included in the 72 demons which is why he has pacts with both of them in the game :)

[watchmegetobsessed]

IN YOUR MEMORIES

a/n: alright so this was inspired by an amazing fic called Graveyard by @wkemeup​ if you haven’t read it... WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? honestly, i was amazed by the whole idea of having to “pay a price” for a super power and i’ve been really itching to try myself out in this concept, so that’s what this story is. im really excited to share this with you guys so i hope you’ll like it!

pairing: Bucky X Reader

warnings: a hell lot of Bucky’s past pain, a little bit of angst aaand idk im really bad with these warnings

word count: 7.6k

masterlist

“I’ve been trying to figure out an effective way to help him, but it’s been more complicated than I expected. None of my ideas were good enough to even attempt them.” Shuri lets out a frustrated sigh as you stare at the peaceful face of the sleeping man in front of you in the cryo pod. The glass in front of his face is frosty, but you can still make his sharp features out, his chiseled jawline under the stubble, the elegant line of his nose and the thick lashes fanning over his cheeks as his eyes are shut closed.

“His whole mind needs to be rewired, his corrupted memories should be replaced or wiped out so the trigger words wouldn’t work any longer, but I can’t do that on my own.”

Tearing your gaze away from the man you look at her, an apologetic expression adorning her features, because she swore you’d find shelter in Wakanda, a place where you can be just like anyone else and yet, she is now asking you to use your power.

“Do you think he would let me help him?” you ask, glancing back at the man. Bucky, as Shuri called him, doesn’t look as old as he was said to be. A hundred and six years is a lot for a human like him, though he is not as mortal as others on the planet. Shuri told you about the experiments he had to endure through his life and even though you haven’t even touched his mind, you could feel the pain inside you.

“He is desperate to get rid of his dark side, I think he would do anything.”

Reaching up your fingers graze the glass over his face before you plant your whole palm onto it, trying to feel him even under the surface and ice. Eyes shutting close, you take a deep breath as you let your senses open up and find your way to the man.

Because of the cryo pod, you don’t feel him the way you usually do. It’s like he is just an echo in a huge empty room, you can’t make out his whole mind, but he is there. And even with him sleeping under the ice, you still can feel the despair and pain he had to go through as an innocent man. You know he deserves to be saved, he deserves to be freed from his own past and you are his only chance as of right now.

“Wake him up,” you simply tell Shuri before turning around to go back to your room that was assigned to you upon your arrival in the palace.

Bucky doesn’t feel like he has been asleep under the ice for more than just a few hours. It felt like a nap, but in reality he woke up months after the day he closed his eyes.

Shuri welcomed him with the news that the cure has been found and it’s time for him to get rid of the Winter Soldier for once and for all. She didn’t say much about the method, just told him to get ready by the afternoon.  He was never one to question the genius young girl so he just obeyed.

After a hot shower he shaved and took the time to get accustomed to the prototype of the vibranium arm Shuri left for him. It’s not the final version, a lot of details need work, but it’s good enough for his everyday life for a while.

The world hasn’t seemed to change since he last saw it. Wakanda is just as flourishing and vibrant as he remembered, a truly spectacular place in his opinion. He wonders how his friends have been, what Steve is doing, if Natasha is alright… Is Tony still fuming after their last encounter? He probably is.

When it’s time, he leaves his room and heads to Shuri’s lab for their meeting. The guards let him in with just a nod, like he is an old friend and he finds Shuri at her computer as always. The girl beams upon seeing him again, complimenting on his freshly shaved look.

“So what did you invent for me, smartpants?” he smiles at her gently. Bucky owes a lot to Shuri and her brother, they took him in when he wasn’t welcomed anywhere else and now she is about to give him his life back. After this, he’ll forever owe her and her family.

“Well, it’s not my invention this time,” she chuckles shaking her head. Bucky is about to question her when the doors open again, both of them turning in the direction just to see you walk in. His eyebrows knit together at the sight of you, not entirely sure what it’s supposed to be. “Mr. Barnes, let me introduce you to Y/N. Y/N, this is Sergeant Barnes.”

You walk closer, Bucky’s icy blue eyes are glued to your form as you stop a few feet away from him, holding out a hand shyly.

“It’s nice to meet you, Sergeant James Barnes,” you smile softly as his flesh hand takes yours and shakes it gently.

Bucky is enamored with you instantly. He has never seen someone as delicate, soft and charming as you are, your whole aura just demands his attention and he wants to know everything about you. But he also notices that though you look a lot like any other human on the planet, he is convinced you are not from Earth.

What he doesn’t know is that the moment your hands touch, you can hear his thoughts and you can’t push down your smile at how well he is at inspecting his surroundings.

“Just call me Bucky, please,” he nods before your hands let go of each other and his thoughts quiet down again in your head.

“To answer your suspicion, I’m rorm a planet called Lortena. Life on my planet looks a lot like humans here on Earth, but our lifespan is a little longer and some of us have gifts, as my mother always liked to call them.”

“How did you—“ “How did I know what you thought?” you ask with a small smile, finishing his sentence as he nods in complete awe. “I’m what you might call… a mind reader. But my abilities go a little farther than just reading minds,” you admit and his lips part at the revelation.

Bucky glances over at Shuri, part of him thinking it’s some kind of joke or witchcraft, but the girl smiles back at him with an assuring nod.

“Why don’t we sit down and have a chat? I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” Shuri suggests patting Bucky’s shoulder before the three of you head into her conference room.

Though you’re not touching Bucky, you can sense his confusion and hunger to learn more about you. He is curious about what else you are capable of and though the news about your abilities are still quite odd to him, you can tell that he isn’t trying to shut you out entirely. He just has some reservations for now.

Bucky knows it’s rude to stare, but he can’t stop himself from inspecting you. Knowing that you are not from this planet is already enough for him to get his mind racing, especially because you look just like any other humans on Earth. But the little trick you did on him was enough of a convincing for him to believe that you are from somewhere else.

The three of you sit to the table and Shuri takes the lead to start the conversation.

“While you were asleep, Sergeant, life went on and we had a lot going on,” she smiles, her eyes falling on you. “Y/N is a refugee from her planet, Lortena. There’s a war going on there and she was sent away because she was a primary target. She wasn’t supposed to end up here, but there was a little mishap during her journey and landed in Wakanda.”

“Are you targeted because of your… powers?” Bucky asks, hoping he is not asking anything offensive.

“No,” you shake your head. “It’s because I’m the king’s daughter.”

“Oh!” he breathes out.

Great, so she is not only a breathtakingly beautiful creature with superpowers, but she is royal as well, he thinks to himself.

“And how… where do your… powers come from? Is that a usual thing on your planet?”

“Not quite,” you chuckle softly.

You give a glance at Shuri who nods and brings up a hologram of Loki’s scepter with the mind stone in it. Bucky is already familiar with them, but he is curiously listening to find out what it has to do with you.

“Long before the mind stone was trapped into the scepter, it was in our possession. We used it as out main power source, kept locked away from preying eyes and hands. We all knew it’s capable of more than what we use it for, but we didn’t want to risk it and use it for the wrong purposes.”

The hologram changes and now the mind stone is on display on its own.

“But not everyone agreed with that. A couple hundred years ago there was a war for the stone. Though our people sacrificed everything to protect it, they didn’t succeed entirely. Unfortunately, the attackers didn’t know how great the stone’s power is. In the midst of the chaos, there was an explosion caused by the stone. Almost everyone present was killed, only seven survived and they were blessed with different powers coming from the stone.”

Bucky’s lips part as his eyes flicker over to you from the stone in the middle of the table, while you are staring at the hologram remembering back the stories your parents told you growing up. He feels like he is being shared with an ancient legend, a piece of history that is a privilege to know.

“The powers they were gifted with were held at great heights after the war was over. And while some of them could pass it on to their children, some couldn’t. The seven became four, then just two and there was one left. My grandmother. When my father didn’t show any signs of the stone’s power it was believed the magic was gone forever, but then I was born and…”

“And you had the powers,” Bucky chimes in, completely in awe of your origin story. You nod with a shy smile as the hologram of the stone disappears in the middle of the table.

“Yes.”

“And why is there a war on your planet right now?”

“Because though it’s been a miracle that I inherited my grandmother’s powers, the people want to get the stone back and have more of its powers. Unfortunately, the stone was lost through the years and I was informed that Thanos got a hold of it some time ago,” you explain, turning to Shuri for assurance about the accuracy of your words and she nods. “Who then gave it to Loki and now it’s in the scepter. People were demanding my father to start a war for the stone to get it back to Lortena, but he refused to sacrifice his army to get the stone back from a titan.” Sighing you lean back in your seat as you think about your home, your family that was left behind when your father sent you away because he was afraid the rebels would use you to get to him.

“The stone is not at Thanos’ any longer,” Bucky speaks up and your eyes find him as you snap out of your thoughts.

“I was informed of that as well. It’s um… it’s Vision’s now, right?” They both nod. “Well, the rebels think it’s Thanos’ and you better hope it stays that way. Because if they figure out that the titan doesn’t have it any longer, they won’t hesitate to attack you for the stone.”

Bucky’s jaw clenches at the thought of another war to take part in, but also because you had to go through such terrible events because of other’s greediness.

“I’ve been trying to find a solution to help you since you’ve gone to sleep, but I wasn’t able to come up with any,” Shuri speaks up. “But then Y/N arrived and I think she could be the one to do the job.”

“You think you can do that?” Bucky asks, eyebrows pulled together. “What else can you do, other than reading minds?”

You feel hesitant revealing the depths you’re able to reach with your abilities and you’re afraid he would find it too invading after everything he has been through. You want to help him but he has to let you. Though you’re powerful, if someone resists your attempts, the outcome won’t be the same as if they cooperated.

“If you let me… I can change your memories. I can make them appear differently in your head so what they did to you won’t have an effect on you any longer.”

Bucky’s jaw twitches. He has no idea what he was expecting, but not this for sure. Letting another person get into his head, play with his mind like it’s just a toy, it’s something he vowed not to let anyone do it again. But as he stares back at you, he can tell the difference between you and the monsters who ruined his head before. He is at a safe place and everyone here wants what’s good for him.

“It only works if you let me do it,” you add and notice how he presses his lips together into a thin line.

“I would do anything to get rid of him. So… I’m in,” he nods at last and you let out a relieved sigh.

You’ve never tried to corrupt so much of someone’s memories before and you’re not sure how long it will take to complete the task so you requested to start the next day, giving you some time to get ready physically and mentally and of course, for Bucky to get himself ready for his mind to yet again get taken apart by someone else.

Not having much to really do since your arrival other than helping Shuri out occasionally at the lab or giving assistance for T’Challa around the palace, you’ve been able to explore your temporary home in the heart of Wakanda.

There is a hidden terrace near your room, one that’s not well-known even by the people living in the palace and you like the peace and calm whenever you are out there, surrounded by flowers and plants in hand-painted pots, some of them were made by yourself, watching over the breathtaking view of Wakanda in front of you, the sky turning from bright blue to shades of orange, pink, purple and eventually black as the Sun goes down behind the hills.

Tonight, this is where you are seeking peace again, sorting your thoughts out about what you’ll have to face tomorrow. Your power has a lot of benefits but it has its curses as well. You’ve only attempted to do something similar before and you had to learn the hard way what price you have to pay for having control over someone else’s mind, thoughts and memories.

Your brother was tragically killed in an uprising when he was only seventeen and you were ten. It was the result of a series of unfortunate event, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time, no one could help him. Your mother broke under the pain of losing her own child and you listened to her cries every and each night for months before you decided that you needed to help her. She didn’t want to let you even try, afraid it might take too much of you to help her, but you insisted and she eventually gave in. You altered her memories and feelings about your brother’s death, only left her with the ones that bring her joy and happiness, but your gesture demanded a price you weren’t ready to pay.

Upon your own grief for your brother, you had to bear your mother’s as well, the pain of two people clutching your heart and mind in return for your mother’s happiness. You never told her how you cried yourself to sleep every night for an entire year, how you could barely control your dark flashbacks and the constant darkness that was pulling you down. No one knew what you had to go through just to see your mother smile again and you made sure it stayed that way. However, you didn’t dare to do it again, not entirely sure if you could handle the pain one more time.

You surprised yourself when you offered your help to Bucky. You don’t even know him, yet you are willing to take his pain and make it yours just so he can live a somewhat normal life. Though his memories and nightmares won’t torture you as long as they would have did with him, you’ll still have to fight his demons and he won’t even know it. Then why are you doing this?

You have no answer to that. Seeing him for the first time you just had a feeling that you have to do it, that he is worthy of it all and that you want to be the person to free him.

The glass door opens behind you as you’re watching the Sun disappear on the horizon and you’re surprised to see Bucky walk out to the terrace, stopping in his tracks once he notices you sitting on one of the wooden chairs.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t think anyone would be here,” he mumbles, his gaze snapping down at the floor.

“That’s what I thought too,” you chuckle.

“I’ll leave you—“ he starts, ready to leave, but you stop him.

“You don’t have to. Feel free to join,” you tell him, gesturing towards the other chair. His hesitation is clear at first, but then he closes the door behind him and sits beside you.

Bucky watches the sunset in awe, but he can’t shake his curiosity towards you, having to control himself not to stare at you as he tries to figure you out. You’re not the only one who doesn’t understand why you’re doing this major gesture for him, he’s spent the afternoon trying to find any alternative motives that might explain your willingness to help him. He couldn’t find any and it left him with even more puzzles in his tortured head.

“What is it like on your planet?” he finds himself asking, breaking the long silence between the two of you.

“It’s not too different than here,” you admit truthfully. “Though our technology is a little more advanced,” you add with a soft chuckle. “In a way I’m happy I ended up here, because Wakanda reminds me of my home.”

“You miss it, don’t you? Your home?”

“Who doesn’t?” you ask with a soft smile and Bucky nods. He misses his home too, but in his case, it’s not a place but a time, decades ago, when he was his true self instead of the monster Hydra forced him to become.

“I’m sure it’ll be nice to return once the war is over,” he hums to himself and he expects a warm and positive reaction from you, however all he sees is pain and sadness in your eyes. “What is it?”

You hesitate to share it with him, staring back at him you think about keeping your thoughts to yourself, but how could you expect him to let you get into his head if you don’t share your thoughts with him willingly?

“Bucky, I don’t think I’ll ever return to my planet,” you breathe out as your gaze moves back to the scenery in front of you, the burning disk of the sun already hidden behind the hills.

“What do you mean?”

“The ship I came with can’t be fixed and they don’t know that I ended up here. It would take them too long to find me here and that’s if… If my family will be alive by then. I have no idea what’s happening there right now, if the rebels are winning or my father is able to keep things under control. I see very little likelihood of my return.”

Bucky’s heart aches for you, knowing well the pain you feel, he finds it ironic how the both of you are stuck so far away from your homes, seeking shelter at the same place at the same time.

He thinks it’s fate.

“What’s your favorite memory from your home?” he asks and you turn to him with soft and shining eyes. He is expecting you to tell him about it, but instead you decide to show it.

Grabbing his hand that’s closer to you, you bring it up to your face and make him cup the side of your head, his thumb brushing against your cheekbone as you close your eyes and recall the memory, planting into his head as well, taking him back, like the two of you could travel time and space just that easily.

Bucky can barely believe what he is experiencing but he finds himself inside your memory and it all seems so real, as if it was happening in the moment. He is standing in the middle of a meadow filled with luscious, green grass and some kind of flowers, whites and purples and yellows dancing in the soft breeze. At first he thinks he is alone, he doesn’t see you anywhere around him and then he spots a woman in a long, light pink dress, her hair waving behind her in the gentle summer breeze and then he spots a little girl running behind her.

Bucky walks closer to the woman, but she doesn’t acknowledge his presence, she doesn’t even look his way and when he reaches out to touch her arm, his hand goes right through her figure, as if she was just a ghost.

The little girl finally catches up with the woman, a handful of flowers in her hands and when looks up Bucky realizes that it’s you as a child. Your main features can still be found behind the round cheeks and pouty lips.

“Mom! I picked these for you!” your younger self beams, holding the little bouquet of flowers up to your mother, who takes it with a bright smile.

“So beautiful, my love!” she hums, sniffing the flowers as you giggle at her. “But why don’t we use them for something?”

“For what?” you ask with a curious look and Bucky can’t help the smile on his face. It’s such a pure and joyful memory, he almost wishes it was his.

Your mother sits down in the grass, her skirt fanning over her in a circle as she pulls you down to her lap with your back facing her before she combs her fingers gently through your hair and starts braiding it, sticking the little flowers into the braid as she moves down. You start singing some kind of song, one Bucky doesn’t know, and your mother smiles brightly at your chiming voice. She braids with so much care and precision, at the end it looks perfect and very much princess-like with the flowers littering around.

“There. Now you are a bouquet of flowers yourself, my love” she smiles at you, kissing your cheek before letting you out of her arms, watching you dance around in your dress, singing to yourself without a care in the world.

Bucky wants to stay there, more than anything and see more of your younger version and your mother, but he is abruptly pulled back into reality when you pull his hand back from your face and the connection stops. His eyes snap open and they find yours, so enamored and in awe of what he just experienced, he feels like he was let in on a secret no one else knows in the world.

“Wow. That was… amazing,” he breathes out as his hand drops back to his lap while you just smile back at him shyly. “Is that… Is that what it’s gonna be like when you…?”

“Not quite,” you shake your head. “You won’t feel anything, you’ll just have to think back to all the memories you want to be changed or wiped. I’ll be the one stuck in your memories like you were in mine. And from inside, I’ll be able to change them.”

“Will I know later which ones were altered or they won’t be different at all?”

“There’ll be… a kind of shine to them when you’ll think of them after that. It’s gonna be the only tell that they were touched by me. But I won’t change anything you don’t give your consent to.”

Bucky nods, having answered his biggest concerns about tomorrow. Now he feels like he trusts you completely and you’ll be the first person he can open his mind up to without a worry.

No matter how much you tried to get yourself ready for what you��d see in Bucky’s head, nothing could have prepared to the pain and darkness he had to endure during his oddly long human life. All the torture, the blood, the hurt and fear of death, it all comes down crashing on you even after the first session you have with him.

It breaks your heart that such a sweet soul had to go through Hell innocently and now he has to live with everything he was forced to do against his will. You can only hope that the people who did this to him have gotten their rightful punishment.

The first time the two of you sit down to start his treatment you get stuck in his head for hours, going through memories and altering them to take away anything that is connected to the trigger words. You witness the time he was captured and the first time he was sat into the chair that broke him. You can’t help the tears rolling down your face as you use all your power to change the memory and leave him with just a faded picture of his cell and held captive. Bucky asked you not to wipe them entirely, leave him with reminders of what made you be the way he is today and that’s exactly what you do.

When you finally come back you almost faint from exhaustion, Shuri catches you right in time before you could fall off the chair in front of Bucky’s who is equally dizzy, but he still manages to reach out and grab your hand to help you steady yourself. You feel drained and almost tortured, Bucky’s memories imprinting into your own head and you already know they will haunt you for quite some time. Not as long as your mother’s grief did, you were just a child back then and you couldn’t control your power that well, but even though you’ve learned to use your abilities, it will still take a couple of months for you to get rid of the horrors you saw in Bucky’s head.

Bucky sees how broken you look after just the first session and he doesn’t want to believe you’ll be strong enough to finish what you started.

“It’s fine,” you assure him when he asks you again in the evening if you surely want to continue. “I just have to rest and we can go on,” you tell him, giving his arm a squeeze before returning to your room.

That night, you wake from a burning nightmare with a scream, gripping onto the sheets with terror running through your veins. In your dream, you were the one strapped to that chair, going through all the pain Bucky had to bear decades ago. It was vivid and torturous and you know it’s going to return.

But you’re determined to finish the work and you do it over and over again, every day for the next couple of weeks. You go through all of Bucky’s darkest memories, altering and changing them until there’s nothing left from the Winter Soldier in him, just some faint and blurry pictures of him being held by his captors. You take all the pain and let it sink its claws into your own head, clouding your mind with darkness.

Bucky can feel the change in himself instantly after the first time you get into his head and a few days later he sleeps through the night for the first time in forever, oblivious to the fact that not far away from his room, you are fighting his demons every night so he can have his peace.

He is always the one to help you back into your room after an exhausting session and he wakes you up with breakfast in the mornings, always making your favorite. You tell him it’s not necessary, but he insists that this is the least he can do for everything you are doing for him, and he doesn’t even know the worst things you endure for his happiness.

He is always the one to request days off from the treatment, not for himself, but for you. He sees how trying it is and though you would never ask for time off, you don’t have to, because Bucky does it for you. Every third or fourth day he tells you he needs some time to heal and get used to his new mindset, but he just wants you to rest and recharge and though you know it too, you appreciate the gesture.

Some days he asks you to join him for walks just to get you out of the palace and you gladly say yes, desperately needing something to bring the light back into your life and it doesn’t take long to realize that Bucky is that light that can ease the heaviness of the pain you are fighting.

You love seeing his smile as the first thing in the morning, you love how he squeezes your hands every time before you dive into his head and how insists to carrying you to your room even when you’re perfectly capable of walking on your own. You love how chivalrous he is always, something Shuri told you was more common in the times he was born and you adore it that it’s a piece of his past self still present after everything he’s been through.

Bucky is the only one who can pull you out of the dark hole you’ve been stuck in and you promised yourself that you’ll never tell him the price you had to pay for his happiness, because he deserves every ounce of it and you wouldn’t want anything to cloud over it, not even your misery.

It takes five entire weeks to go through everything that turned him into the Winter Soldier and then the day to test if it has worked finally comes. Shuri has made sure to have a capsule ready for the test, one that would keep him under control in case you didn’t succeed and he would be triggered by the words he already knows too well.

“Are you sure I won’t hurt anyone?” Bucky asked cautiously as he was strapped into the capsule, a good majority of the Dora Milaje guarding the lab as well in case the test goes wrong, but both you and Shuri are optimistic about it.

“Calm down, Sergeant. We can handle you,” Shuri jokes before finishing up. “Alright, I’m gonna close this now, but you’ll be able to hear us and we’ll hear you as well,” she informs him and he just nods as she closes the capsule, securing him inside.

You sit on the side, but still close enough to see his face in the capsule. His icy blue stare finds yours and you give him a soft, encouraging smile. You do believe he won’t be triggered and not just because of what you did, but because he has a strong will and if there’s still any part of the Winter Soldier in him, he’ll be able to come over it.

“Okay, ready for the words?” Shuri asks him and breathing out he nods, closing his eyes, waiting for the inevitable.

“Желание,” comes the first word through a speaker and you hold your breath as you stare at his face through the capsule.

“Ржавый. Семнадцать,” the words carry on and you see him squeeze his eyes a little, fear taking over you that he might break, but it never happens. “Рассвет. Печь. Девять. Добросердечный…”

The trigger words ends and your lips part when his eyes open, noticing the tears in them as he finally realizes that he didn’t turn. The Winter Soldier is finally gone.

“Congratulations, Sergeant. You’re free,” Shuri announces as she opens the capsule and lets him out, sobs shaking from his chest before he is freed from the straps and able to step out of the capsule.

He is quick to rush over to you and wrap you in his embrace, both of you sobbing and crying and you hold onto him tight, as if he was just a memory that could vanish any moment, but he is there, flesh and metal, the Bucky you know and adore so much.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he keeps repeating as his vibranium fingers tangle into your hair at the back of your head.

It’s been over a week of freedom for Bucky and he hasn’t felt better in his life, well, not in this decade. Without the sessions, he now has quite some free time on his hands that he prefers to spend with you, actually.

The two of you have been joined at the hips since his recovery and not just because Bucky feels like he owes his life to you, but because you both can’t help falling for the other in the light of your newly found friendship that’s starting to slowly turn into more.

Bucky hasn’t been shy about showing his adoration and gratitude towards you, not after you’ve seen the darkest side of him and could still look at him the same way. He feels like he has bared his entire soul to you and you accepted it gladly, so there’s no need to beat around the bushes.

However you’ve been still trying to keep him away from the secret you’re hiding. He can’t find out about the nightmares, the screams and the tears you shed every night when his demons come for you. You can’t let him get close enough to see the price you paid for his own happiness. But even with all the cautions you’ve been keeping, you still can’t stop fate from finding its way.

One night Bucky is staying up late, binge watching a series Shuri has recommended for him. He didn’t intend to stay up so late, but before he could realize how fast the time has passed, it was already past two in the morning.

Shutting the laptop down he decides to get himself some water before finally going to sleep. Padding his way down the dark and quiet hallways in only a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, he unintentionally takes the route that goes past your room. He didn’t plan on dropping by, knowing you’re probably asleep by now, just wanted to feel that sense of closeness even in the middle of the night, but his original plans immediately change when he hears your deafening scream coming from the other side of the door.

His blood freezes in his veins and he is quick to turn into combat mode, ready to fight whatever is threatening your life, but as he pushes his way into your room he doesn’t find any intruder, it’s just you, curled up on your bed and even under the thick layer of covers, he can see how badly you’re shaking, your beautiful face churned into a painful frown as you keep your eyes shut.

He immediately realizes that you’re having a nightmare.

He rushes over to the bed and sits to the edge, the mattress dipping underneath his weight as he carefully places a hand to your trembling shoulder.

“Y/N! Y/N, wake up!” he softly shakes you, trying to get you back to consciousness, but you keep tossing and whimpering, a thin layer of sweat covering your skin.

“No, no, please! I’m not the Winter Soldier!” you cry out and Bucky freezes, his jaw clenching at your words, an eerie feeling running down his spine.

“Y/N, it’s just a dream, wake up!” he tries again and your eyes finally shoot open.

Though you’ve woken up, you don’t instantly see what’s really happening around you and you are quick to flinch away from Bucky, pushing yourself to the far end of the bed as you stare back at him with fearful, wide eyes.

“It’s just me. It’s alright, it’s me, Bucky,” he softly reminds you holding his hands up so you can see them. Your chest is heaving and your hands are gripping the sheets so tight, your knuckles are turning white.

“Bucky,” you breathe out and he nods.

“Yeah, it’s me. You had a bad dream, I heard you scream.”

Letting out a shaky breath you close your eyes and try to shake the vivid images that haunted you tonight out of your head, with not much success. Tonight you were beaten up in a cold and dark cell, the man kept telling you that you’re just a monster, a soulless nobody as he kept hitting you before he reached for a weapon that sent electricity through your body until it was too numb to move at your will.

You know it was one of his memories, because you’ve seen this scene before in his head and you remembered it clearly. Only that last time you saw it happen to him and now you were the victim.

“Fuck,” you breathe out, loosening your muscles as you gain your contact back with reality.

“What was the nightmare about?” he quietly asks and your gaze snaps up to meet his. You can’t read his icy blue eyes and for a moment you think about touching him so you could hear his thoughts, but you promised yourself you would never use your powers on him.

“Just… some nonsense stuff,” you lie shaking your head.

“Didn’t sound like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard you beg to someone, telling them that you’re not the Winter Soldier.”

His face hardens as he inspects you while you try your best to hide anything that would tell him more about what you’ve been keeping from him.

“I don’t… I don’t remember it,” you shrug, scooting closer to him as you fix your pillows.

“Y/N, I don’t need superpowers to know that you’re lying,” he retorts and you almost flinch at his words. “Are you having nightmares because of what you saw… in my head?”

For a split second you think about lying. You think about telling him that it’s just because of what you saw and not tell him the real reason of your nightmares, but guilt has been already eating you away for not telling him and you wouldn’t be able to lie straight into his face. So you shake your head and your eyes meet his icy gaze again.

“I’m having… your nightmares.”

He looks confused, eyebrows knitted together as he is tasting your words, not entirely sure about what you meant by them, so you go into the details you’ve been keeping hidden from him.

“I can’t just take memories away and turn them into nothing, Bucky. Memories can only vanish if they get forgotten with time,” you start explaining, hoping you can paint the picture as realistic as possible. “When I changed your memories, I took parts away and… made them mine. And now I have to be the one to fight and forget them, but it happens faster for me than it would have happened to you,” you quickly add, as if it could make it any better.

“Why didn’t you tell me this is the cost of my recovery?” he snaps, clearly mad at you and he has every right, but you just wanted to save him. “I would have never let you do it if it meant you’d be the one to suffer for me, Y/N!”

“I had the chance to help you, I wanted to give you the freedom you deserve!” Tears are stinging your eyes as you stare at his harsh expression, the soft and joyful Bucky you’ve seen these past weeks is now gone.

“But it’s not worth it if you are being tortured by my memories now!”

“It was worth to me!” you snap back, a tear rolling down you cheek. “I might have been selfish for keeping you the details of what it would take to free you, but now you are the one who is being selfish, because you wouldn’t have let me help you if you knew and that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you! I chose to do it and I knew what I was getting myself into and I knew what it’s gonna cost.” More and more tears run down your heated cheeks, soaking your skin before they drop to your shirt or the sheets covering your lower half. Bucky stares back at you in disbelief as you reason about why you did it exactly. “You deserved this second chance and I was your only chance. If I didn’t do it for you, I would have had to live with the guilt forever that I let an innocent man suffer. It’s a small price for the happiness I was able to give you.”

Bucky is in total shock. He has had Steve do selfless shit for him plenty of times, hell, he wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for him, but what you did is just above everything that’s been ever done for him and he is having a hard time accepting that anyone would put up with so much pain and suffering for him willingly. He can’t decide if he wants to scream and shout at you for being so stupid or if he wants to fall to his knees and glorify your name till the end of times.

When you realize that he won’t snap at you again, you carefully scoot closer until you can reach out and touch his face, but you don’t even try to read his thoughts. Not this time. You let his thoughts wrapped in the darkness of the unknown. Bucky melts against your touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a few moments.

“You shouldn’t have done this, Y/N.”

“But I did,” you breathe out with a bitter chuckle. “And it can’t be undone, so you better accept it.”

He cracks a tiny smile, but it quickly vanishes as a thought pops into his head.

“If you have the memories that made me into the Winter Soldier, how come you don’t get triggered by the words?”

“I might own your memories now, but there’s a natural bond with the original owner that can’t be taken. It’s what makes them so vivid and real for you, but it will never be as real to me. The trigger words have no power over me, because the memories are not mine, I don’t have the bond with them.”

“But you still have the nightmares. My nightmares,” he breathes out, a hint of disappointment ringing through his tone, though you’re not sure if it’s because of what you did or because he couldn’t stop you from it.

“They will go away,” you assure him, but you can tell that his guilt is eating him away. “Bucky, I’ll be fine. A few weeks, at max a month and they will be gone. I promise you.”

“You don’t deserve this,” he mumbles under his breath as his hand reaches for yours, squeezing it gently before he brings it to his lips and kisses your knuckles softly. “You don’t deserve any of it.”

“But you deserve happiness,” you reply with a chaste smile that makes his heart flutter in his chest. “Let me give it to you. You’ve had enough pain, Bucky. I’ll take the rest now.”

Bucky stares back at you for a long second before he decides to do whatever he can to make sure you get through it as easily as possible. Pulling the covers back he slides under them, lying down next to you as he pulls you into his embrace.

“Go back to sleep and if you’ll have another nightmare, I’ll be here to wake you up from it and get your mind off of it. You’re safe with me,” he murmurs, as you lay your head to his hard chest, his flesh arm curling around your frame while his vibranium fingers lace together with yours on his stomach. You don’t try to protest against him, you know he won’t leave and quite frankly, you don’t want him to. Knowing that if you go back to the darkness again he’ll be here to pull you out relaxes you, doesn’t let you worry about what kind of horrific scene you are going to be forced to see when you close your eyes next. You melt against him, inhaling his scent, listening to his steady heartbeat under your head as you let yourself go back to sleep, for the first time, ready to face whatever is waiting for you on the other side.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[sevilemar]

Do you ever just stand up for things you care about against your people because this is something you care about and they should see you and make space for it? That's what you do - you make space for their values and support them, even if you don't agree, so you will not back down if they don't do the same. It's personal, it's a part of me I'd like them to value too, to see that this is a part that I have and value. And it's not about the value itself. I mean, if my family were angry, rude and degrading to a march or a pride event, I'd get furious and march and wave stuff at their face. But if they would actually see and consider it and ask me to not go for various reasons, I wouldn't go. It's wild how much it depends on the context and how my views are met by them. Might not be related to snakeprim, but have you ever....?

I think the closest I ever came was when I was not even five years old and I told my parents I wanted to take ballet classes. My mum said not until I was at least five years old, and she loves to tell the story how I came to her on my fifth birthday and demanded to go to ballet classes right now. I started the week after, and until I stopped when I went to university, I never missed a class or recital unless I was too sick to leave the bed.

Nobody in my family understood why I loved ballet and theatre so much; for them it was a world of elitists and rich snobs who couldn't even organise an event properly. But they supported me as best they could, driving me around everywhere, buying expensive gear instead of normal birthday presents, and making costumes and props whenever we needed them.

Maybe this is not what you mean, but it's the closest I ever came to standing up for things I care about to my people. When I told my mum I was asexual and explained what that means, her reaction was "Huh, that's a thing?". Then she thought for a moment and said she might be too. I haven't talked to her about my gender identity, but since we see each other maybe once every two years, it's not really relevant. If I had to guess she'd say what she always says: "I don't really understand what you're doing, but I see it's important to you and it makes you happy, so I am happy to listen to your explanations occasionally and give whatever support you still need from me". She is snake primary as well.

I do not have a lot of political opinions. Those that I do have, I learned from the friends I made in my university days. Since they are still my friends, there's nothing to fight over. And even if we do see things differently, we have made spaces for our different values, and tend to find our differences fascinating rather than off-putting.

I have one friend left from my school days, and we do disagree on a few important things. But they also live far away, and even if we speak every week, we both value spending time together more than convincing the other of our opinions. That means we mostly don't talk about things we know we disagree on, which is fine by me.

My brother and sister were raised with the same love and support as myself, and our core values are very similar. My brother is the only idealist in our family, which made for an interesting puberty and is still sometimes causing friction these days. My sister is probably badger primary, and very good-natured and easy-going. I see them even less than I see my mum or my school friend, so the same principle applies.

To answer your question, nonny: No, I never really had to fight for value space with my people, because that has been a vetting criteria of mine for as long as I can remember: respect my values and my boundaries as I respect yours, or you will not become one of mine. I learned it from the way my parents loved and supported me and my siblings, and it's probably one of the most important things they gifted to us.

[thetypedwriter]

Gideon the Ninth Book Review

Gideon the Ninth Book Review by Tamsyn Muir 

It would be only a slight hyperbole to say that a million people have either recommended this book to me or have told me to read it. I’ve heard for years now that this book is incredible and extremely well written and beloved by many. So, if that’s the case why did I wait so long to read it?

I don’t have a good answer. Sometimes a book is on your radar, but either the time isn’t right, other books take priority, or in my case, it’s adult fiction and I held slight trepidation that I wouldn’t love it as much as everyone else in the world seemed to. 

Thank goodness, that didn’t end up being the case and I’ll get into why in a moment. 

First, Gideon the Ninth has the most amazing descriptive sentence belonging on any front cover of any book ever. 

I shall put it here for prosperity and awe: “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!” -Charles Stross. 

Now, I don’t know who you are Mr. Stross, but that has to be the best sentence written in the English language since its conception. If that isn’t enough intrigue for you to crack open the novel then I truly don’t know what is or what it would take. 

That being said, Mr. Stross wasn’t entirely accurate, but that’ll be clear soon enough. 

The novel surrounds our main protagonist, Gideon Nav, or, known as Gideon the Ninth, the primary cavalier to the Ninth House necromancer. Essentially, this world takes place in a different solar system with its own sun star known as Dominicus as well as nine planets also known as the Nine Houses. 

Each House has a specific specialty for what is known for, and as summarized helpfully, but also overwhelmingly, at the beginning of the novel, the Ninth House is also known as the keepers of the Locked Tomb, House of the Sewn Tongue, and home to the Black Vestals. 

This meant nothing to me at the beginning and quite truthfully, I still struggled to remember throughout the novel who belonged to the Third House, or the Fifth and what that quite meant, as once again, each House has a reputation and expected skill set that precedes them. 

Not to say that it was poorly written because it wasn’t. Muir just has a lot of characters with specific titles and while she actually does quite a good job of categorizing them and helpfully reminding you who is who, I still struggled with just the sheer amount of information and people. 

Normally, this would be a massive criticism, like it was with the cast of characters in Lore but in this case it’s not Muir’s fault. She’s giving me all the information necessary to understand. It was just my brain that struggled trying to recognize and categorize everyone. If anything, I’m excited to re-read Gideon the Ninth and have it sink in like a second skin eventually. 

Having this large cast of characters, the book revolves around each of the Nine Houses (except for the First House) sending their best necromancer, a wielder of both thanergy (death energy) and thalergy (life energy) in the form of a House Adept, someone who is able to wield this kind of energy either in bone magic, flesh magic, or spirit magic. 

In accompaniment, each Necromancer Adept has a primary Cavalier, a trained fighter that is both protector, companion, and often, necessary energy suppliers to their Adept in both horrendous and acceptable ways. 

The goal of these pairs, having been sent to the First planet, is to become a Lyctor, an immortal servant to the Undying Emperor. The catch is that once the Necromancers and their Cavaliers arrive on the First, the shuttle departs and they are trapped in an abandoned, dilapidated, once-regal and great mansion that boasts hundreds of floors, secret doors, and mystery upon mystery. 

Each pair expects a streamlined process to Lyctorhood once they arrive, a methodical procedure, perhaps some training, and ultimately a test. What they don’t expect is a mellow man by the name of Teacher that claims to know nothing about the process himself, but is the overseer of the First. 

What follows is a mind-boggling search to become a Lyctor and unravel the mysteries of the haunted palace. What the pairs don’t expect is the death of their own, gruesome murders at the hand of someone in their very own positions and an evil danger beyond any of their imagination lurking in the mansion. 

This novel was a great concoction of mystery, action, interpersonal relationships, character growth, dazzling descriptions, and world building. 

The world of Dominicus and the Nine Houses is expansive and rich, something that I haven’t been able to sink my teeth into, and not for lack of trying, but because it is so deep and so layered that I simply need to take several bites to get it all down.

The mystery is fulfilling and strangely, to me at least, reminiscent of a game called Danganronpa. If you know what that is, and even if you don’t, it centers around the idea of a murder mystery, but where the killer is one of your own and the mystery is trying to figure out not ony the who, but the why of what they are doing, amongst a slew of other deadly riddles.

Gideon the Ninth is the same. As people continue to get picked off and brutally murdered, as a reader you find yourself trying to puzzle out not only who, but why someone would commit such atrocities and the motivation behind it. 

The plot itself of Gideon the Ninth was extremely satisfying and alluring. There were times where I personally found that novel bogged down with excessive description, but it was usually broken up with Gideon’s personal brand of crass humor, a very much needed breather with the expansive exposition, that, while extremely well done, well researched, and well written, did get a tad boring from time to time for me personally, even if it allowed for clear imagery as well as adding to already well formed world building. 

In addition to the plot, all of the characters were well done and as fleshed out as they could be considering the amount of characters involved. First, even though this is set in a fantasy sci-fi setting, each of the characters seemed realistic and like they could potentially be real people. 

A large criticism of books I often have, especially in YA, is that the characters often come across like caricatures, and not real flesh and blood humans with both positive and negative qualities. 

Each character, some developed more than others, have both flaws and strengths, even the main characters, which I highly appreciated. Not only does it make the story more real and palatable, but it also is just more interesting to read about as it’s actually based in humanity and the nature of human beings rather than some perfect carbon copy of one. 

Gideon as a narrator was hilarious. She was often crass, blunt, horny, humorous and ignorant. But on the other hand, she was also an extremely talented fighter, actually very sweet deep down, forgiving, and loving. 

This mix in a main character was a welcome one in addition to making Gideon feel like a real person, despite all the bone magic and necromancy, and often her thought process and dialogue made me laugh out loud. 

Another main character, Harrowhark Nonagesimus (What a name!) is Gideon’s Necromancer and main companion. She’s bitter, rude, spiteful, and ruthless. She’s also hardworking, intelligent, and stubborn. 

If you’re catching the pattern here, Muir isn’t just writing archetypes and passing them off as characters. She’s writing complex and nuanced personalities that are intriguing and interesting and well developed. 

I could get into the other plethora of characters like Camila, Dulcinea, Palamedes, Magnus, Judith and so on, but this review would be a thousand pages long so I’ll just settle for saying that every character was well done and lovingly crafted and not one of them, even the annoying ones, were characters that I hated. 

One important thing to note was Muir’s writing itself. It was incredible. Such descriptions! Such characterization! Such detail! Such vocabulary! I was supremely impressed with her writing as a whole and often found myself having to look up words that I had never heard of in my life (always a welcome change of pace). I was blown away by her sheet talent and creativity. 

The last two things I have to note might get me in trouble. 

One, the ending for me was...bittersweet. For fear of spoiling someone, I won’t get into details, but I found it both lacking and simultaneously making absolute sense. I wanted both more and yet, found that everything was just enough. It’s hard to put into words, but if you know, you know. 

I do have a slightly sinking feeling though that the ending twist will somehow be undone in the sequel. I don’t know if this is true (although I will eventually find out), and I can’t decide if I’m going to be happy or dismayed by it. 

Such conflicting feelings are in of itself homage to Muir’s skill as a writer and the complexities of her tale. 

Lastly, the one aspect that might get me into the stickiest of predicaments: Harrowhark’s and Gideon’s relationship. I don’t know if I like it or not. On the one hand, I absolutely love it. It's a hate-to-love slow burn, which really is the only way an OTP makes its way into my heart. I love that they’re so different and yet so compatible, one flesh and one blood and all that other nonsense. 

They see each other as equals, as adversaries, and I adore that dynamic in any pairing. I also love the F/F representation of some badass women and that they’re not traditionally attractive and beautiful. 

One of my favorite lines came from the end of the book where Gideon describes Harrowhark’s face as, “bitter” and “hateful”. I just love when characters aren’t conventionally gorgeous and yet beautiful in the eyes of the beholder and all that jazz. 

Now. Onto the problems. 

Harrowhark’s and Gideon’s relationship is kinda...toxic? It grows into something less so, but it definitely starts off that way. I really hate imbalances of power of any kind and Harrowhark definitely has power over Gideon, power that she creully abuses. I asked myself: if Harrowhark was a man and treated Gideon so abysmally for years, and then Gideon eventually forgave him and loved him despite everything, would I think differently?

And the answer is yes, yes I would. 

Is that fair? Probably not. But I can’t help but think how the dynamics change with the two of them being women, and how in my opinion, I think more is forgiven of Harrowhark because of it, even when it’s not deserved. 

Now, Harrowhark is a complex character and has traumas of her own, but I just can’t help but think of all the things she did to Gideon and the things she took away from her and forced her to do and then think of them together and it’s...not great. 

Overall, my feelings on their relationship are complicated (which is a repeated pattern when it comes to Muir’s writing) and I don’t mind that it’s complicated, it makes it interesting, but I also would be bereft to mention it here. I look forward to seeing how it develops and if my feelings change and grow on the matter as well. 

In total, Gideon the Ninth is a fantastic read. It has everything you want inlaid with characters who not only push the plot along, but incentivize you to read more. It has complicated issues and complicated characters, but that means it’s nuanced and complex and juicy enough to bite into. 

Don’t do what I did and wait years for this novel. If you need a good read, you don’t need to look any further and then let yourself be swept along for the necromantic ride. 

Recommendation: “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!” -Charles Stross. I mean. Come on people, what more can you ask for?

Score: 8/10 

[yandere-mha-blog]

Chapter 3: Getting interesting

Words: 2176

You sat alone at your desk that day, looking over at Fumiko who saw you looking knowing that you knew that she was looking at you, and quickly turned her head, she must have felt ashamed about how everything was handled. You were paying attention like usual when you overheard some girls talking.

“So did you hear that Akio got put in the hospital by the nighthawk.” one said

“Really, you would think the heroes would have caught him by now.” the other one said, you had to hold your tongue saying how Akio was actually a bastard and had it coming that night, still then people would talk about you and your involvement and right now you had to finish school, four years of this wasn't about to be flushed down the drain because you were interested in this so-called villain, still it brought up a lot of questions now, how many of these attacks were actually prompted, what other tricks was he able to pull off.

You left your last class around 9 at night, night classes always sucked but what else could you do as you kept walking down the pavement only to see something bright red catch your eye. You stopped to make sure your eyes weren't playing tricks on you as you saw the red feather laying on the ground the other way, was this another “gift” of his?

Curiosity may have killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back, so you went over to the feather and it moved down the street, was he playing with you, it was either follow the feather or go home and do more boring work. So you followed the feather to satisfy your curiosity as you went down the street. What exactly was he doing as the feather stopped outside a public park? It was empty or so you thought as you picked up the feather and walked in.

“I believe you dropped this,” you said looking up in a tree to see him with his foot dangling down

“Oh is that where I left it, you are doing me a big favor by bringing it here,” he said as the feather flew out of your hand and attached back to his wings

“I know you can control them, so what is this about?” you asked

“What about it, I am just chilling in a tree.” he said, “you are the one who followed my feather-like a baby duck following its mother.” “I am not a baby duck.” you said “Why do you keep leaving them for me to find?”

“Because...we are both birds,” he said

“You have to be kidding me, I'm not a bird,” you said

“Sure you are, you got them sharp talons, you can do some serious damage to someone if you wanted, is that why you want to become a doctor.”

“Excuse me, how do you know that?” you said

“I can also hear through my feathers you know.” he said “And see, like how a dolphin has echolocation.” “More like a platypus and it's bill,” you said

“Hahah true, true.” he said “When you sliced open my feather oh so rudely the other day, I was also able to see all your textbooks.” He said stretching his wings out “is why you want to become a doctor, because it's the only way you can cut people open without being labeled violent.”

“...” you were silent as one of his bigger feathers nudge your face

“You can tell me.” he said “I am not one to judge here, you know.”

“Why are you so interested in that?” you asked

“Tell you what, you tell me the truth and ill tell you something interesting about my glorious self,” he said

“Okay fine, you got me okay, I don't know what it is but as a child I would find dead animals and just want to use my talons to study them more, I was curious about it,” you said

“Well birds gotta fly, you gotta do that.” Hawks said, “So did your parents find out.”

“They did, they sent me to therapy and I suppressed it, till well I was doing dissection in class and well old habits die hard I guess,” you said

“You are telling me.” Hawks said, patting your head with one of his wings “So then what happened?” “I got sent to the school therapist, again, and she told me my curiosity was good but wasn't being used the right way and that there are other ways to learn about stuff and maybe biology was my passion, but using a scalpel can only go so far.”

“I get that like I can fly a plane, but it isn't anything like using my wings.” Hawks said, “Now my turn, hm let's see what can I tell you.”

“Why are you a villain?” you asked

“I don't like people telling me what to do, I like to do what I want on my terms.” He said, “I can't exactly do that if someone has their hands on my wings.”

“So you don't see yourself as a villain?” you asked

“Not really, the Hero public safety commission has been trying to get their hands on me since I was a child, maybe that's why I;m able to be better than most trained heroes.”

“Really now,” you said, so that's why they were so adamant about catching him.

“Haha, they won't ever catch me.” Hawks said “Anyway, I think you need to stop suppressing your quirk. When I saw you use your quirk on that guy who attacked you, you got scared after using your quirk on him.”

“I was mostly angry at him, why did you go after him?” you asked

“It's what I do, I see someone hurting someone else. I don't care if they are a hero, villain, or civilian.” “Well right now you are the only one who is on my side,” you said kicking the ground

“Funny, I feel the same way about you.” He said with a smile, you laughed a bit

“YOu aren't anything like I expected.” you said “I read so many news stories about how you were some evil killer villain, yet here you are having a full conversation with a civilian.”

“Hahah it's kinda funny when you think about it, you get bored easily huh?”

“I do and I hate it.” you said swinging your arms out “I mean each day something over and over again, learning stuff I already know just so I can satisfy my quirk.”

“Well if you got talons use them, you don't see me not using my wings.” he laughed with you “Still you should enjoy your boredom when you can.” “Haha I’ll try, thanks hawks I feel better,” you said

“I feel better too, when you are running from the law you don't have time to sit back and talk much, most people run away screaming.” “Hmm wonder where they would get that idea from,” you said

“Haha yeah wonder where.” Hawks said before his laughter died down. “Still it's getting late. You should head back to your dorm and enjoy a nice cup of tea.”

“I will, thanks for talking to me, you think we will talk again?” you asked

“Maybe if our paths cross again,” he said standing up in the tree

“What does that mean?” you asked, he just tilted his head before smiling, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone only with a gust of wind left in your face.

Maybe it was the fact you were smiling all day the next day that Fumiko was getting worried about you since at lunch she walked over

“Hey…(name) can we talk?” she asked

“Sure,” you said

“Well, Akio is getting out of the hospital and I would like if we can all talk this out,” she said

“Fine, I'll 'talk 'to him,” you said, wanting to see his face and maybe giving him a couple of good slaps.

“Great, I'm glad we can all sweep this under the rug,” she said, no you were not going to sweep this under the rug, what delusional world was she living in.

Still, you went with her to the hospital to see this man again, you and her went into his hospital room and he was slashed up, good you thought.

“Hey Akio how are you feeling?” she asked

“I'm doing good, thanks,” he said

“That's too bad,” you said crossing your arms

“(name) Akio is recovering can’t you try to forgive him?” she asked

“Forgive him, after what he tried to pull,” you said

“Hey, I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing.” he said.'' Besides, didn't pay the price, I almost died.” you rolled your eyes

“Oh please if the Nighthawk wanted you dead you would be dead.” you said “I let me tell you i will never forgive you, oh you were drunk, you seem sober enough to try to get me home, to walk out of the bar without stumbling, the only reason I'm not taking this to the police is that I know shit bags like you get off with this every time.”

“Hey I was just trying to be nice!” he said, ” Hey Fumiko I thought you said you were here to smooth things over.”

“That's what I thought.” Fumiko said “Hasn't he suffered enough?

“No,” you said, “and if I see you come near me on campus again, you will wish the NIghthawk killed you.”

“(NAME)!” she yelled at you grabbing your arm, you brushed her off

“You are just as bad as he is,” you said and stomped out you got your message across by slamming the door.

You had better things to do anyways like reviewing your notes, you were getting bored again as you tapped your pencil on your desk.

Hawks on the other hand had just got done stopping a purse snatcher, where were the heroes anyway he thought that there should be more around this time as he reattached one of his bigger Primarie feathers, his work still wasn’t done for the night crime never slept there was always something going on somewhere. But he was getting hungry so he might as well grab something to eat as he landed in an alleyway and hid his wings and put his jacket over and walked into a convenient store to grab a bite.

“Is that all?” he asked

“Yup.” Hawks said

“Okay your total is 580 yen,” he said, hawks took out his coin pouch and paid the man, before leaving, convenience store food was easy to get and rather cheap but he was worried he was gonna gain a gut at this point, with his wings he wouldn't have anything hindering his flight ability, he wondered how miss talons were doing right now, maybe he would stop by for a visit.

You were about to pass out at your desk when you heard a tapping at your window, you looked over and saw Hawks hanging upside down tapping at your window. You walked over and opened the door.

“Oh so our paths do meet again it seems,” you said

“You know it chickadee,” he said. “Man convenience store food is good and all but it's so greasy.”

“How do you pay for that?” you asked

“I take money off the people I beat up.” Hawks said, “You look like you are in a bad mood?”

“I am,” you said

“What's got you under the weather?”Hawks asked

“Akio is getting out of the hospital and everyone is telling me to forgive him when I'm not.” You said

“Ahh well if it makes you feel better, I stole his wallet the other day.” Hawks said, you rolled your eyes

“I wish that made me feel better, I don't know why everyone is thinking I'm in the wrong here,” you said

“People are complicated, they don't like to believe someone they know is capable of doing dirty things.” Hawks said rubbing his chin “You can either let other people get you down when you are in the right, or you can know you are right and say screw em.”

“I say they screwed them.” you said “It feels nice to have someone on my side for once, this school sucks.”

“Why don't you leave, do something worth your time?” Hawks asked

“I...can’t,” you said

“OH, I see.” Hawks said, narrowing his eyes and flipping back up on the pole to his feet, “And here I thought you were different.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” you said getting a little upset with him

“Nothing, nothing, I just thought you were a woman who did stuff worth her time is all, it's sad to see you wasting your potential here.” Hawks said

“I'm not wasting-” you want to say but a large gust of wind hit your face again and you sighed, before slamming the window shut in anger, anger that you felt like he was right.

[palukoo]

ooh amy and toby because i would die for them

okay i know you sent others before this one but i really wanna answer this one! i meant to just... write about basically what i've said before with their unique combinations of idealism and cynicism but also with the vast difference in loyalty and also their similar political positions, but then i spent all afternoon uh. writing this.

amy and toby meet on some doomed campaign that he's running, and she's fundraising for, and they both know it's doomed but that doesn't stop them from trying. she tells him it is, at some point, and he knows she's right but won't say it, because it's different. amy's consulting for a dozen campaigns this election cycle, and toby's got one, and he likes amy, but she doesn't get to say that about his one.

they bring amy in for debate prep, at the candidate's request, and toby sits back and smiles a little at the hopefully-but-doubfully future senator's comprehensive answer until amy starts eviscerating the woman's answers. she does it with an awkward, regretful smile, and the candidate adjusts, and toby asks amy to step out into the hall, asks if she has a problem with their policies. amy says no, she loves their policies and that's why she's doing what she can to give them a shot. toby laughs bitterly.

"you said yourself that we don't have a shot! we're trying to talk about issues and you're taking the only place we can do that and have people listen and turning it into pithy soundbites like every other guy!"

"the pithy soundbites might stick," she says, mostly unfazed. "let me try to give you a shot. she thinks she has a shot."

he sighs. "yeah."

the candidate loses, 41-57. before amy had started working with them more, polls were at 30-62.

*

they run into each other, after that, both of them with tendencies towards certain candidates. amy's associated with more winning campaigns than toby is by a long shot, but she's never run one, winning or otherwise.

amy's talking to a candidate she's excited about for maryland's fifth district, who's leading against the old, far too moderate and out of touch incumbent in her primaries. andy wyatt. and then toby's beside her.

"oh, hey, amy, this is toby, he's my--"

"you're working with her?" amy asks teasingly before andy can finish. "but she might actually win."

toby laughs. "yeah, no, don't worry, i haven't lost my touch yet. i'm her fiancé, not her campaign manager."

amy tries to keep the surprise from her face. "you two know each other?" andy asks.

"we've worked together before. congratulations, by the way," amy says. toby smiles awkwardly. "don't let him anywhere near your campaign," she teases.

"don't let her anywhere near your speeches," he quips back. amy laughs.

*

it's catching up and some unofficial consulting in the primaries that amy would really rather stay mostly out of even though she has a clear favorite. she meets abbey and liz at a starbucks that was a little diner the last time she was in town, and they bring her back to "campaign headquarters" after bribing her with coffee and using their trademarked bartlet charm. which is really what will help him more than anything, at this point.

she laughs when she gets to the office and sees him bouncing a ball against the wall. "toby ziegler. i should've guessed that you'd be on this campaign."

he doesn't question her presence, just sighs. "because it's doomed?"

she beams at him, shaking her head. "because it's good."

his lips twitch into something resembling a smile, and she turns around to abbey and liz.

"with him and governor bartlet--"

"you can call him jed, y'know," abbey says. amy can't, actually.

"well, with the two of them, you're gonna need to find someone less... long winded."

he sighs and glares, and then his brow furrows. "why the hell are you drinking an iced coffee?"

*

she runs into them right after they've won the primary, which means everyone's uncharacteristically excited, meaning josh unthinkingly drags her along to their party, and jed kisses her cheek, and toby, by some miracle, hugs her and cj laughs and hugs her, too.

"you and toby get along?" she asks, surprised. amy shrugs and turns to toby, who also looks deeply noncommittal. cj laughs again.

the giddiness of the room gets to her. "i admire his integrity and his politics," she says, and there it is again, that vague, almost smile, brighter with the new victory.

"when he recruited me for this campaign, he called emily's list 'that women's group with the dumb name'," cj says to her, and amy turns back to him, suddenly far less admiring.

"dumb name. not dumb... mission, dumb name," he defends. she stands down, a little. "so, what have you been up to lately?”

"i'm political director for emily's list," she says, and he opens his mouth and closes it, and cj laughs again.

*

when the general election rolls around in november, amy collects bets from coworkers and friends and really whoever. she can't help but admire that toby only bets on losing candidates, but she also knows it doesn't matter to him. he won the thing that mattered.

*

"did you know?" he asks, tense.

"what?"

"that-- you've known the bartlet's forever. you... did you know?"

amy shakes her head, and forces her face into a neutral expression. "no, i didn't."

"are you--"

"i didn't run his campaign, toby. i voted for him, and i would've done it either way. and i'm not sure i'm in the majority there, and i'm glad he's there, so... i'm not mad."

he laughs bitterly. "you admire my integrity?"

"didn't say i shared it," she says plainly.

"you're not mad none of them told you?" he asks after a moment.

she takes in a breath and nods slightly. "well," she says like a concession. "mostly i'm worried," she admits, and toby nods, too.

"about him or the election?"

amy doesn't answer. she doesn't need to. he knows as well as she does that it's both.

*

"hey, amy, that speech you gave last week," he says when she runs into him in the hall. "did you write it yourself?"

"yeah."

"i could tell," he says, condescending and teasing at once. she rolls her eyes.

"nice job with the president's remarks yesterday," she says back.

"that was sam."

"yeah, i know. i could tell."

*

"i don't want to have this conversation with you," he says, and her eyes narrow.

"okay."

"not 'cause it's you, 'cause you're actually... i just don't want to have this conversation."

"toby, did something happen?"

he shakes his head and looks at the floor. "josh really cares about you."

she scoffs, disbelieving in a couple ways. "got it."

"amy--"

"as much as i agree that josh really can't take care of himself, he really doesn't need your protection from me, if that's what this is."

toby nods, and amy hopes they'll never talk about that again.

*

working with stackhouse reminds her of the old campaigns she's run into toby on, and it almost makes her nostalgic, except for the part where she's still mad at him, because he knew as well as josh did that the marriage incentives were shit. he knew as well as josh did that they could've made a play other than the one that forced her to resign.

still. she knows that if there's anyone as proud of the president's answer on needle exchange as she is, it's toby.

*

sam's campaign really feels like the old days once they’re in it, mishap after mishap, impossible odds, her trying to get funding while toby coaches him on remarks. she feels bad, having talked him into this, knowing he wouldn't win.

toby's used to the loss, she knows, but he's not used to this one. she buys them both drinks and gets on a plane to start her new job.

*

her first day, after the ceremony, after every exhausting, impossible thing, she still finds herself going back to her office. there's an unpleasant banging sound coming from inside when she gets there, and she'd be more concerned were it not for the secret service and her exhaustion.

she steps inside, ready for whatever new prank josh has set up, but instead it's just cj and toby putting her diplomas back up on her wall.

*

it's a week or so before she catches up and remembers to congratulate toby and andy, but neither of them hold it against her.

it's another few weeks before she leaves, and for that, she's sure he does.

*

"rafferty's speech was really good," she says casually. he nods vaguely in agreement. "toby," she says.

"what?"

"i could tell," she says pointedly, and he sighs. "you should've... i like getting women elected, you know."

"i don't need your help," he says confidently. she rolls her eyes.

"your track record--"

"she's not trying to win, amy," he says insistently, and she shrugs.

"neither was the president at first."

he exhales. "the debates have been better than i expected. santos did well."

she shrugs, and he rolls his eyes.

"i could tell, too."

*

she knows it's stupid, but here she is, so. she hits the buzzer.

"hello?" he asks.

"it's amy."

"wh-- why the hell are you here?"

"i'm not associated directly with the white house or the campaign, toby, just let me up."

there's a long pause where he doesn't say anything, but then the door clicks open. he opens his door when she knocks, and she hands him an iced coffee with a grin. "you didn't answer my question," he says.

"i'm... not mad at you," she says. he squints.

"okay."

"i get why everyone else is," she adds.

"okay. you're still not answering."

she sighs. "i thought you'd want to know that."

"i don't care if you're mad at me," he says gruffly, a bit rude.

"okay," she says, unaffected. "i also... don't want to have this conversation with you."

"what?"

"josh really cares about you," she echoes. he laughs humorlessly.

"i think josh wants to kill me right now."

she smiles. "that's another thing we often have in common," she teases.

"what's the first thing?"

she rolls her eyes and doesn't answer.

*

"should you really be calling me?" he asks.

"i know for a fact that both josh and donna call you. plus, congratulations, you're free."

"and you aren't anymore. didn't think you'd take it."

"i didn't, either," she admits.

"what are you calling about?"

"sam said you knew congressman johnson pretty well. i want him to swing with us for a vote."

*

"how are the kids?" she asks, and he smiles, which makes her smile, too.

"good. they're good."

"good. how's andy? do you... are you and cj talking again?"

he nods. "yeah, they're both... you talk to both of them more than you talk to me."

"and when i do, i ask about you," she counters.

"they're good. how're things there? josh, sam, donna?"

she laughs. "you talk to all of them more than you talk to me." she waits for his eyeroll. "they're all good. things are... you know how things are."

"not as much as you do."

"you can guess."

"yeah."

*

"how's teaching?"

he huffs. "college kids can't write."

"you don't think anyone can write."

"i think sam can write. i think will can write, on a rare good day. whoever you guys have is... fine."

"a glowing recommendation. i'll be sure to pass it along," she teases. otto probably would be flattered, really. "what's up?"

"how are your internals looking?"

she laughs. "did josh cut you off?"

he sighs. "maybe."

*

"i have some notes," he says.

"on... what?"

"the book," he says, like it's obvious.

"well, considering that it's been, a, published, and b, selling quite well, i think it's a little late," she says, arrogant and exasperated.

"i agree. you should've sent me the draft first."

she laughs. "content or style?"

"the content's great. you make good points, and it's compelling, and... it's very..." he trails off and sighs, and she takes the compliment. "it's too pithy."

she rolls her eyes. "how's yours coming along? how many pages so far?"

he pauses. "touché."

*

she's just finished a guest lecture when she gets the call, and she's surprised, a little, by the name on caller id. it's been a while. they'd had less to talk about, other than comments on each other's books, since she'd left the white house and started going back to lobbying and fundraising and debate prep between campaigns for old friends. though, when she thinks about it, it could be that last one.

"hey, toby," she answers.

"hey. so, rafferty's running again," he says.

she smiles. she's always liked rafferty. "okay." she thinks about it. "you... want help fundraising?"

he laughs. "amy. she wants to win this time." he pauses. "you should come up to new hampshire with us."

she gets a plane ticket.

[unforth]

Hello unforth! Thank you for your wonderful blog, and the the untamed art blog!! I followed you years ago for destiel, and you were one of the people that got me into the untamed. I watched it last summer and have been binging various cdramas ever since!! I had a question for you about reading. After watching the untamed I read the novel, and didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I think you’re someone who prefers the show, but if not, sorry if I’m remembering wrong… hoping you understand. I want to try reading other novels but I found the romance in mdzs to be kinda off. I guess I’m wondering if you have a recommendation for the best novel you’ve read so far? It would be great if it’s one with fanfic but if not I’m still curious to try! I hope this didn’t come off as rude about the untamed, it’s just a personal preference. Thanks in advance, and thanks again for all your work in fandom!

Howdy! *waves*

You have not misremembered, I definitely prefer the Untamed to the novel of MDZS (and I'm with you, no shade on people with different preferences, of course!). I also didn't enjoy the novel of MDZS as much as I thought I would, though I think some of that was because I read the Exiled Rebels Scanalations translation which - again, no shade, translating that was a HUGE job and kudos to them - but I do here from native speakers that some questionable translation choices were made, which can detract from some people's enjoyment of the novel (and can enhance other people's, it just depends how those translation choices relate to each person's personal likes and dislikes).

Now, I can tell you what I've read and what I've thought of each one, happily - I don't know what turned you off about MDZS specifically, beyond an aspect of the relationship dynamic, so it'll be hard for me to say which of these might appeal to you more? But, here's a list of which danmei novels I've read, and my opinion. The list is shorter than you'd think - danmei novels are long and I read slow, lol.

Note that all of these end happy, for various definitions of "happy," and the main ship is canon in all of them. Also note that I tried to avoid spoilers, but sometimes it's hard to even talk about the ship dynamic without some mild spoilers.

These are (roughly) in the order I've read them; I just finished the last a few days ago. All art is by the official artists, but I'm not always sure what their names are, sorry - I've tried to figure them out for my art blogs but it's REALLY hard.

1. Mo Dao Zu Shi, by MXTX.

(since I'm writing this post for you, and you're already familiar with it, I'm not putting in TW and plot)

My take: I figure knowing my opinion of MDZS will help you assess all this? There are things I loved about MDZS, including the book, but MDZS is still obviously trying to figure out pacing. Whereas in SVSSS, the storyline doesn't always flow that smoothly and the ending is rushed, in MDZS in my opinion the biggest issue is that she clearly didn't plan some things ahead. For example, Miangmian and Wen Ning are both introduced within a few pages of when they'll be needed to Do Shit. It shows that she hadn't quite worked everything out as she was going, and every once in a while was like, "shit shit I need a character for this thing" and hastily added them. The plot itself is better paced, though, though I could have wished for a less talky denouement. When it was the only one I read, I also often thought, "this author doesn't understand consent," and, "this author has kinks I don't share." Now that I've read all three of her books, I completely retract the first one. MXTX absolutely understands consent, and was intentionally playing with it in MDZS. Not sure if the evidence of that got lost in translation, or what, but...yeah.

Relationship Dynamic: ...the second of those opinions, I still kinda feel. The consensual non-con is just not really my thing, like I'm okay with it in small doses? And I don't love some aspects of Lan Wangji's domineering attitudes and Wei Wuxian's act of bare tolerating it. And don't get me wrong, now that I'm more familiar with her work, I think it was an intentional writing choice and I also think they're both largely roleplaying it a lot of the time...but I still don't personally enjoy it much.

2. Scum Villain Self-Saving System, by MXTX.

Genre: modern transmigration into a fantasy xianxia world.

Where to find it: English translation by BC Novels | donghua season 1

Trigger warnings for: graphic descriptions of suffering, non-con of the "fuck or die" variety, and body horror...I can't think of anything else rn?)

Plot: SVSSS is MXTX's first novel, and is a satire of classic stag harem novels. Shen Yuan, the protagonist and half the main ship, is reading a serialized web novel by "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky" about a demon named Luo Binghe who has a harem of over 3,000 women and has done all kinds of ghastly awful things. He hates this novel but has read all, like, 3 million words of it or something, and trolls every chapter...until one gets him so angry that he dies...and then he wakes up in the book right around when the book starts, in the body of one of the early antagonists, a cultivator named Shen Qingqiu who abuses a young, innocent Luo Binghe physically and emotionally and, ultimately, is horribly tortured to death. Shen Yuan, in Shen Qingqiu's body, thus sets out to not be horribly tortured to death by Luo Binghe. Hijinks ensue.

My Take: In terms of my opinion of it...SVSSS secured for me that MXTX is a much more brilliant author than I thought when I'd only read MDZS. She understands tropes and subverts them brilliantly throughout the story, and from a writing standpoint, I was impressed with her. However, from a plot standpoint...she's got all the ideas but hasn't, imo, yet figured out how exactly to bring them all together. The pacing is off at times, and the ending felt abrupt to me. It's also the only danmei I've read where I ship a side ship more than the primary one (which is, of course, Shen Yuan (as Shen Qingqiu)/Luo Binghe. (also, oops...I read SVSSS after TGCF and just put them in the wrong order, oh well, not gonna change it now.)

Relationship Dynamic: In terms of relationship weirdness...it's hard to sort in that regard, because, like, it's supposed to be weird? I think it's a really interest book but I'm not sure I'd recommend it in your situation. Bingqiu's main dynamic is...uh...tolerance and obsession? They're kinda hard to describe. Shen Yuan often seems like he's just kinda putting up with Luo Binghe, whereas Luo Binghe is...god. So hard to describe, lmao. He's a big clumsy ox in a museum full of porcelain dishes and he really, really loves his Shizun. (also note that Shen Qingqiu is Luo Binghe's teacher. They don't get together until after they're not master/student, but if that's not your thing, another reason to avoid.)

3. Tian Guan Ci Fu, by MXTX.

(art is by Starember)

Genre: historical China (loosely), xianxia (note that I'm still figuring out exactly how stuff gets classified so sorry if I get one wrong, but I think I kinda get it???)

Where to Access It: English Translation by the astonishing yummysuika | manhua (this is an official translation by Bilibili! It's a few chapters behind the actual release, but still...) | donghua season 1 is on Netflix | a live action adaptation is juuuuust getting started on script reading and filing

Trigger warnings for: MCD, temporary MCD, body horror, graphic violence, epic levels of mind fuckery, uh...genocide?...again, racism/colorism, probably other stuff, sorry, I can't take as long as I'd like to for this post so I'm not being as thorough as I oughta be.

Plot: TGCF is about Xie Lian, an 800 year old man, and it commences at the moment when, unexpectedly, he ascends to godhood...for the third time. Unfortunately, when he ascends, he accidentally does some damage in Heaven, and he has to repay that, so he gets sent back to earth to deal with a ghost who's been causing some problems. Hijinks ensue...and then fucktons of angst ensue...then more hijinks...then more angst...and basically it broke my heart like four times and I am grateful for it every day? The main ship is Xie Lian and a ghost named Hua Cheng, but it's hard to even talk about without some spoilers because of some identity shenanigans. (they're VERY mildly identity shenanigans, but still).

My Take: So, you asked what my favorite of the danmei novels I've read is? It's TGCF. TGCF is one of my favorite novels ever, and it has a growing fandom, a donghua that's on Netflix, and a live action that's just starting to film. TGCF is the culmination of the skills MXTX developed through her first two works, imo. She clearly plotted it out all from the start, and while Book 1 especially often seems kind of random - lots of elements are introduced and then kinda...apparently...forgotten? And never explained? But she actually DOES bring it ALL together and it's flat-out masterful. I'm a big fan, obviously.

Relationship Dynamic: it again depends on your preferences and what you didn't like about MDZS, and there's no way to talk about it without spoilers, so consider yourselves warned. Xie Lian ascended to godhood first at the age of 17, and right around then he also saved the life of a 10 year old boy...and that boy is Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng is a follower of Xie Lian's, in that Xie Lian is literally a god, and Hua Cheng is literally one of his followers. However, they're separated for almost 800 years, so the age difference is largely irrelevant, and while some people complain about Hua Cheng's behavior being stalkery and obsessive, I honestly think they're dead wrong. It's more like when you read a celebrity/fan AU, and it starts weird, and then they really genuinely fall in love. Like, the fan may have been in love the whole time, and how they felt about the celebrity before they really met might feel slightly ooky, but it's how they act AFTER they meet their idol that matters more, and...yeah, Hua Cheng is great, they're both great, antis fight me. Xie Lian is easily one of my favorite characters EVER, he is all my favorite tropes in one horribly, wonderfully fucked up martyristic idealistic sweet kind laid back package. I would kill for him, lmao. In terms of their relationship dynamic...they love and respect each other? There's really nothing that weird about it other than the aspects of the "fan" Hua Cheng that get revealed over time - and he's always terrified that when Xie Lian realizes what a fanboy he was, Xie Lian will be upset or disgusted, but of course Xie Lian never is. They adore each other. It's glorious. Highly recommend. :D There's also no explicit content in TGCF (unlike MXTX's other two books).

4. The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (aka 2ha) by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat.

Genre: original world, xianxia, time travel, dimension hopping, it's so many things, 2ha is so hard to describe lmao

Where to Access it: English Translation by the amazing yummysuika (things are complicated, though, and it's not finished) | a manhua is in the works and should be out this year | a live action called "Hao Yixing" or "Immortality" is already filmed and could theoretically air literally any time cause it's completely ready, but when will it actually come? Who knows!

Trigger warnings: all of them. Literally. MCD, temporary MCD, murder, suicide, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, rape/non-con, abuse, manipulation, gas lighting, torture, graphic violence, body horror, literal graphic onscreen horrible blood murder of a small child (I had to skip that chapter), teacher/student relationship sort of but not exactly, probably other stuff, this book is dark as fuck, and a lot of these tags apply to behavior of one half of the main ship toward the other, but...it's complicated, and there are reasons things happen, and those reasons aren't "well they're just a bad person."

Plot: This is another one that's hard to describe because there's sooooo much mind fuckery going on, but I'll try. 2ha is about Mo Ran, who rises to be the Emperor of the World, Taxian Jun, but slaughtering all who oppose him...and who is so miserable that he commits suicide, only to wake up in his 16 year old body. This is pretty much perfect from Mo Ran's point of view, because he's gone back so far that the love of his life, his fellow disciple Shi Mei, is still alive. He has a chance to fix everything that went wrong, starting with preventing his awful evil Shizun, Chu Wanning, from letting Shi Mei die.

Spoilers: the main ship in this book is Mo Ran/Chu Wanning.

Hijinks do NOT ensue. There are no hijinks in 2ha. It is all pain all the time (but I swear it ends happy).

My Take: ...well, from a structural standpoint there are some pacing issues. The book is incredibly long (over 300 chapters, over 1 million words) and there are definitely some chunks that could just be excised and it'd still be fine. However, other than that, it's pretty amazing and absolutely masterful how it's plotted. As a reader you'll spend 100+ chapters thinking you know what's going on, and who the good guys are, and who the bad guys are, and how they relate to each other...and then Meatbun starts in on revealing what's ACTUALLY going on and she then spends 200 chapters repeatedly punching you in the face! Like, I went in knowing a LOT of spoilers, because the tags were so dark that I felt that for my mental health it was important I have a general idea what was going on, and I STILL ended up sobbing my eyes out (and I am NOT an easy crier and don't usually cry at books) over something I knew was coming.

Relationship Dynamic: That's about the only thing that the title accurately conveys about this book. "The Husky and His White Cat Shizun," sounds so soft and fluffy, right? That's how they get you, ha. But, Mo Ran is absolutely a big dumb husky who wants to do the right thing (well, sometimes he does) but just completely fails depressingly often. When he sees someone he likes come in the front door he WILL jump all over them and bark in their face as his way of trying to communicate affection. And Chu Wanning is equally absolutely a cat. He is emotionally constipated, poor at expressing himself, uptight, touch starved, desperate for affection, and so lonely my chest hurts when I think about him. And for how they relate to each other...well, picture that big dog greeting a loved one at the door...except that loved one is the most hide-bound proud white cat you can imagine.

That's their dynamic.

(However, also...there are multiple timelines at play, and Taxian Jun does some truly awful things to "his" Chu Wanning in the original timeline, and many of these things are graphically described, and while it's ultimately all explained, it still all HAPPENS, so if you're going to have trouble reading fucktons of abuse between the main ship, I would not recommend this book)

5. Thousand Autumns (Qianqiu) by Meng Xi Shi.

Genre: historical China (like, references actual people, as far as I can tell), xianxia

Where to Access it: ...reading Thousand Autumns is HARD, it's split over like four websites/translators. This Carrd can kinda help? I can get you the rest if you want | donghua season 1 | I heard there's a live action in the works? But I don't know more than that.

Trigger warnings: graphic violence, mentions/threats of sexual violence (but it's all stopped before things really go wrong), starvation, description of child death (from starvation), near-death, emotional/mental abuse, major semi-permanent character injury, god, minor character death, they're major characters depending on your pov, I can't actually think of others, after writing about 2ha it feels positively fluffy). Note that there's not really any explicit content, just implications of smut, and not til basically the very end and extras.

Plot: Yan Wushi, sect leader of a demonic sect, has just come out of an extended seclusion to improve his cultivation when he and one of his disciples come across a man who is wounded to the point of near death. This turns out to be Shen Qiao, the sect leader of Mount Xuandu. When Shen Qiao awakens from his wounds, he's lost his memory, AND he's blind, and Yan Wushi decides it would be great fun and an excellent use of his time to fuck with Shen Qiao by trying to turn him evil - because Yan Wushi is certain that ALL people are inherently evil, and shattering Shen Qiao's veneer of righteousness will just help prove that.

Spoilers: it's not a veneer.

Not spoilers: Not many hijinks ensue, but there are a few hijinks, and even when it's not hijinxed, it's still not that painful...usually.

My Take: despite that synopsis, a lot of the plot of Thousand Autumns is actually political, and I like political plots, so I liked that aspect of it. However, it has some serious pacing issues imo, and it's also hard to read in English atm because it's not fully translated; it's close, now, much closer than when I read it a few months ago, so it'll be easier to read soon. Or maybe I shouldn't say it's pacing problems, but rather, it's more of a sequence of multiple major plots, strung together, with the growing relationship between Yan Wushi and Shen Qiao playing out in the background. I think if I'd known there was no "one big plot" that would have actually helped me, because it kept feeling like, "Oh, THIS is the main thing," but it never was. Things would feel climactic...except then there'd be more. So it's probably better to actually think of it as more...episodic? And the episodes/stories build, and interrelate, and do have a culmination, but not all of them directly tie in, and not all the threads end up coming together/getting resolved.

Relationship Dynamic: early on, Yan Wushi is definitely abusive and manipulative, intentionally so, and I would argue that, imo, Shen Qiao falls for it. However, mid-way through, there's some big reveals, and after that when they're reunited Shen Qiao no longer takes any shit and Yan Wushi continues to act like he doesn't care even when he clearly does. They're not a typical ship in ANY WAY, and I'd say their relationship is more founded on mutual respect than on love. Indeed, in the author's notes at one point MXS actually says they doesn't see them as the kind of couple to ever exchange love declarations, and I thought that was really interesting and it really helped me to understand how they worked together because I'll own I struggled with at times. Yan Wushi is self-interested, often cruel, and ethically and morally dubious. Shen Qiao, on the other hand, could probably ascend to Daoist godhood, he's so pure. Yet...they DO work. I'd say "opposites attract" but that's ALSO not their main trope, not exactly. They're a VERY hard ship to explain, and I know some people who've read the whole book and still don't really...get them...and I've had to really think about them to wrap my head around them...but the more I've thought about them, the more I like them.

6. Those Years in Quest of Honor Mine by Man Man He Qi Duo.

Genre: historical fiction set in either actual China or make-believe China, I'm not sure if this is directly incorporated any real people

Where to Access It: English Translation by Perpetual Daydreams | manhua (untranslated, I'm not sure if there's anyone translating it into English) | I think there's a live action in the works? Not sure beyond that though.

Trigger Warnings: suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, drug addiction, drug abuse, chronic illness (different character than the drugs), manipulation, abusive, awful parents and parental figures (not all, but definitely some), some homophobia (but way less than there could have been), probably other stuff

Plot: After 7 years away, Zhong Wan returns to the capital of the Empire with the three children of his benefactor, the seven-years-dead Prince Ning. Prince Ning was executed for treason against the previous Emperor, and Zhong Wan has done all he can to protect and raise the three kids, but he's got a lot of worries about returning to the capital and what could happen to his charges if they get pulled into the politics surrounded the Emperor. But, even worse, he's got even more worries about being reunited with Yu She, nephew of the Emperor, with whom he has more than a little history...and about whom he has been lying for the past 7 years, claiming that he is Yu She's lover, in a bid to help use Yu She's reputation to protect Prince Ning's children.

Hijinks ensue.

And so does a political nightmare.

My Take: TYQHM was a hard book to get into because there are just so many characters and it's all about politics - this is NOT a xianxia or wuxia novel, and these characters are NOT cultivators. There's basically nothing supernatural in the whole book; instead, it's about Zhong Wan and Yu She figuring out their own histories, and accepting each other, while trying to survive in a political world that increasingly wants both of them dead. However, I adore political plots, and when all was said and done I really enjoyed it, and I'm trying tooth and nail to claw other people into the fandom with me, so far with basically no success. It only has like 15 works in English on AO3. And so not only does it not fit that requirement of yours...

Relationship Dynamic: ...I think you would also probably not like the relationship dynamic? Zhong Wan is a bit like Wei Wuxian-as-Mo Xuanyu, except more...genuinely? Like, it's his actual personality, not an act, in quite the same way. I don't mean the "flamboyantly gay" part...usually...he definitely has his moments...but he's just...like, he's been through so much that he'll basically say anything, and drag himself entirely through the mud, to distract people who might hurt the three kids (they're like 16, 13, 13, now I think? It was never THAT clear to me, tbh...certainly, all are at least 10...) and, later, Yu She. He has zero face, and doesn't mind having negative face when he feels the situation demands it...and Yu She, on the other hand, has MAJOR depression issues, is sure he deserves nothing, and mostly wants to destroy everyone around him and then kill himself, at least until Zhong Wan starts giving him a reason to live again. But, more than that...Zhong Wan is like the fucking epitome of a bratty subby bottom. He wants to get fucked SO bad. And Yu She is an incredibly reluctant dom, hilariously so at times, uncomfortably/manipulative so at others. When all was said and done, I was pretty fond of them both, but there were definitely moments that made me grimace, and given what you say of how you felt about MDZS, I think this one is less likely to be to your taste?

Bonus 7: Guardian by Priest. I never finished the novel version of Guardian because the translation had some issues that caused me not to enjoy it, so I won't get into it too much, but again, Guardian is a very different book than any of the others, because it's modern fantasy(ish, like, it's still deeply embedded in Daoist-related tropes but it's more "magic spells" and less "cultivation." Like, in terms of what it's like, it felt more like Japanese modern Onmyoji style stories, to me, than it felt like the ancient Chinese wuxia/xianxia cultivation stories.). I'm not gonna get into lots of details, because I read part of the book more than a year ago, and have seen the show (which is VERY different) like three times, so I can hardly even remember what they're like in the novel. There was definitely some weirdness, though? If you're potentially interested, I'd suggest starting with the drama instead. The plot for that is...

Plot: Zhao Yunlan heads a Special Investigation Unit in the human world tasked with maintaining a treaty between humans and the dixigren ("undergrounders") who are (in the show) aliens (in the book...it's the world of the dead). While doing this job, he keeps running into this professor, Shen Wei, who definitely knows more than he oughta.

Hijinks ensue.

And then it murders you with feels.

The live action streams from YouTube - here.

(Warning: uh, I don't want to give spoilers, but my "guaranteed happy ending" does NOT apply to the Guardian TV show...but it does apply to the book, as I understand it.)

*

Anyway, this was a terrible use of my time but it was definitely more fun than what I should be doing, and it's probably way more information than you wanted or needed, but since I wasn't sure what exactly you had in mind, I figured...might as well be thorough?

(Today's hyper-focus fail: this post, ha...)

[kittyprincessofcats]

I love both shows (Spop and Su) but I wanted to ask about some things you’ve said:

“Can’t believe “It’s okay for fans to be disappointed when oppressive dictators who’ve murdered millions and have tried to kill the protagonists before get forgiven without having to face consequences” is a so hard to understand for some people, but here we are”

“So did Steven Univerae end with the Diamonds in prison where they should be, or did I do well to stop watching when I did?”

With that logic can’t the very same thing be said and applied to She ra regarding Catra?

“So did She ra end with Catra in prison where she should be, or did I do well to stop watching when I did?”

Hi there. First of all, I want to say sorry for taking so long answer this. January’s been a very busy month for me and I literally just didn’t have the time to write the kind of reply I think this ask deserves.

Next, I want to make a few things clear just so we’re on the same page:

I love both shows as well and nothing I’m about to say is intended to be seen as hate against Steven Universe. SU meant a lot to me and I was a big fan of it for many years. Change Your Mind disappointed me a lot as an episode and as a finale, precisely because I didn’t want the Diamonds to get any sort of redemption, but just because it was a dealbreaker for *me*, that doesn’t mean I harbor any ill feelings towards the fans or writers of the show. None of this is meant to be a personal attack against anyone who worked on this show or likes it.

I stopped watching SU after CYM, so this post will ignore anything beyond that. I have not seen the SU movie or Steven Universe Future and I don’t intend to. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I’m not comfortable watching more.

I wrote the posts you quoted because I got quite a few rude messages after I said I didn’t like Change Your Mind and that I don’t want to keep watching SU. The first one was a response to people who were giving me a hard time for not liking the Diamond redemption – it wasn’t me saying that /no one/ should like it, just that my feelings on it were valid as well and people shouldn’t badger me about it.

In that sense, YES you could say the same thing about Catra! If someone wanted to stop watching SPOP because Catra’s redemption made them uncomfortable (maybe because they knew someone like her in real life or something similar), that’d be absolutely fine! I’d never send them the kind of messages I got or try to pressure them into continuing a show they’re not comfortable continuing. Because respecting real people is more important than a show or a fictional character.

I’ll be honest: I’m a little tired of justifying my feelings about the SU finale to people. But I believe you’re asking out of genuine curiosity and I haven’t made too many posts defending Catra yet, so I’ll try to analyze this step by step for you – and anyone else who might be curious.

So, without further ado: Here’s my essay on why Catra’s redemption works for me but the Diamonds’ doesn’t.

Short explanation: Because if you compare the scale of their actions, their motivations, what’s supposed to make them sympathetic to the audience, their build-up, and how their respective redemptions are handled, then the Diamonds aren’t an equivalent to Catra – they’re an equivalent to Horde Prime. And if SPOP had suddenly redeemed Horde Prime at the last minute after building him up as the big bad, I wouldn’t have liked that either.

Long (very long) explanation under the cut

Okay, let’s get into this in detail.

1.     The scale of their actions

Let’s look at the evil stuff these characters have done first.

The Diamonds: Created an intergalactic empire, conquered millions of planets (destroying all life of them in the process) for millions of years, created a strict caste system in which all gems only have one function to follow and where Pearls are essentially slaves who have to obey every order, persecute and send shattering robonoids after gems that don’t fit into the system or fuse outside of their caste (off-colors), created a human zoo and kidnapped people for it, shattered anyone who wasn’t loyal to them, bubbled all the Rose Quartzes, created the Cluster and the other fusion experiments out of the shards of their fallen enemies (essentially torturing them for all eternity), corrupted all the gems on Earth, including those that were loyal to them. And that’s just what we get told upfront in the show. We’re talking about intergalactic dictators with no respect for life who will ruthlessly kill anyone who gets in their way.

Catra: Helped Hordak conquer one (1) planet. Bad, yes – but not nearly on the same scale as devoting eons to conquering entire galaxies. Also, Catra isn’t the one who founded the Horde in the first place; she just happened to grow up there (likely because she was taken from her real home as a baby) and was raised with their ideals. The Diamonds, on the other hand *are* the people who started their empire.

So yeah, the Diamonds aren’t Catra – they’re Horde Prime. He’s the one who founded the intergalactic Horde and destroyed millions of planets. (There’s even a whole parallel about how both Horde Prime and White Diamond think they’re perfect and everyone should be like them…)

Now, you could argue that Catra opening the portal was a crime on a larger scale. But even that would have likely only destroyed Etheria – one planet, not millions. The scale we’re talking about is still way smaller than Horde Prime’s or the Diamonds’ actions.

Catra’s other “crimes” in the show are things like being a toxic friend, manipulating and lying to people. Those are things I’m going to ignore for this post, since you specifically asked if Catra shouldn’t be in prison for her crimes. Being a toxic friend is bad and all, but it’s not actually something illegal that you can get thrown in jail for, so it’s irrelevant for this discussion. And it still wouldn’t be on the scale of the Diamonds, who, let me repeat, have destroyed countless galaxies.

2.     Motivations for their actions

“But what about *why* they did all of those things? Isn’t that relevant?” It is, and I’m glad you asked. Let’s have a look.

Catra: Catra grew up in the Horde through no fault of her own and was mistreated and abused her whole life to the point where survival and safety became her primary motivations. She was treated as second best to Adora, filling her with a desire to prove herself. She got told as a child that she’s only worth “keeping around” if Adora values her, so she tied her self-worth to Adora’s approval. She feels betrayed when Adora leaves the Horde, because she interprets it as Adora caring more about strangers than about her. She stays with the Horde because they’re the devil she knows, because she wants to prove herself and because she’s hurt about the only person who ever showed her kindness leaving her. She grew up without a proper parental figure and without ever learning what healthy relationships are supposed to work like, so it’s understandable why she has no concept of it. She opens the portal because she sees her abuser working with (and seemingly being accepted by) her enemies and that knowledge makes her feel powerless to the point where she’d do anything to get back at them. She’s been abused and victimized her entire life and all of her actions are a direct result of that. Catra thinks that if she gains enough power, it’ll finally give her the safety and approval she craves.

In general, Catra’s story always makes it clear that she’s a victim of physical and emotional abuse who never learned what healthy relationships are supposed to look like and who’s lashing out in the only way she knows how. Some people might disagree on this, but I personally never had a point in the show where I couldn’t relate to her or couldn’t understand why she’s doing a certain thing. SPOP did a brilliant job of making sure that even at her lowest point, Catra’s actions are still understandable when you think from her point of view.

The Diamonds: … Uhm yeah, I’m drawing a blank here. Unless there’s some explanation in the movie or SU Future, we never actually learn why they did any of what they did. We get an explanation for some of their deeds – that they created the zoo because they thought Pink wanted it, that they corrupted the gems as revenge for Pink’s supposed death – but what the show never goes into is the real problem: Why they’re dictators in the first place. Why they consider themselves superior to other gems. Why they shatter anyone who doesn’t fit it, etc. They’re just dictators… because they’re dictators. We never get to understand their motivations.

And just to be clear – I think that in itself is perfectly fine. I don’t think SU should have had to give us any more explanation than that. SPOP also never explains why Horde Prime conquers other planets in the first place. He just does it because he’s evil and power-hungry and the show needs an antagonist. I think not giving a villain a deeper motivation is fine – if you’re not planning to redeem them.

3.     What makes them sympathetic

Catra: I pretty much explained this already. We’re told from season 1 that Catra was abused by Shadow Weaver, that Adora was the only person who cared about her, that she was always treated like she was second-best. Heck, there’s an entire backstory episode just about everything Catra’s been through. We’re meant to feel bad for her, even when she’s evil. We’re meant to cheer for her when she stands up to Shadow Weaver and defeats her. We’re meant to feel for her when Shadow Weaver stabs her in the back and Hordak sends her to the Crimson Waste. Her entire breakdown is meant to be tragic and engaging. When you’ve watched a character suffer so much through no/little fault of their own, when you’ve watched them stand up to bigger villains in a way that makes you root for them, it makes sense that you want them to eventually get their happy ending.

The Diamonds: I realize in retrospect that the writers probably meant for us to feel bad for the Diamonds, too. Like when they’re grieving Pink, during What’s the Use of Feeling, Blue?, or when they complain how stressed they are in Change Your Mind. But the thing is… it just didn’t work for me. After the show spent all that time showing us all the death, despair, and destructions the Diamonds had caused, after it was made clear that the Crystal Gems had lost multiple friends and allies to them, it just didn’t make me feel sympathetic that the diamonds had lost one (1) person. So what if someone shattered Pink for being a dictator? The Diamonds themselves have shattered millions of gems and now that it’s someone they care about I was suddenly meant to feel bad for them? I didn’t.

When That Will Be All first aired, I loved What’s the Use of Feeling, Blue? – because I thought the show was doing this brilliant thing where they show that evil people can still have loved ones and have feelings but that doesn’t make them less evil. Every horrible person in history had feelings and loved ones. That doesn’t excuse their actions. In retrospect I find it disappointing to know that we were meant start feeling bad for the Diamonds due to their grief for Pink, that we were meant to see Pink/Rose as the evil one for starting a rebellion against them, that we were supposed to believe Bismuth was in the wrong. Rebelling against a dictatorship is a good thing. Standing up for equality is a good thing. I don’t like that the show suddenly tried to spread this message that conflict is always bad even when you’re actively fighting against tyranny and oppression. What happened to the Crystal Gems and their cause? What happened to the Steven from season 1 who reassured Lapis that “They’re mean, and that’s why we *have to* fight them”? And no, the “but being a dictator is so stressful, please feel bad for us” part didn’t work for me either.

4.     A well-written redemption arc

For a well-written redemption arc, a character needs to actually regret what they’ve done and realize they were wrong. Then they need to put in the effort to be better from now. They need to… actually change. And then they need to do things that make up for their actions.

Catra: We get to see Catra go through an amazing character arc that culminates in her redemption and her eventual love-confession to Adora. The entire arc that was built for her over 5 seasons leads up to that moment and it’s so satisfying when it finally happens because it makes sense. We get to see her make big mistakes, get to see how she finally even scares Scorpia away, how Scorpia leaving breaks her, how Double Trouble gives her a harsh but needed lecture, how she understands that she and Glimmer aren’t so different, how she finally remembers Adora and decides to save her. We see her regret her actions as early as season 1, when she feels visibly bad after leaving Adora on the cliff in the temple. In season 4, she has nightmares about Entrapta and feels guilty for what she did to her and for opening the portal.

And from the moment she decides to change, she’s willing to make huge personal sacrifices to make up for her actions: She sacrifices herself to save Glimmer, gets tortured, mind-controlled and nearly dies in the process. The heroes saving her doesn’t come from nowhere and their forgiveness is well-earned because she was willing to put herself on the line to save someone else. She then keeps helping the heroes, apologizes to everyone she’s hurt, is again willing to sacrifice herself for Adora in the finale, and finally saves the entire universe from Horde Prime by staying with Adora and confessing her love to her. If we’re trying to be realistic about this – I’d say saving the whole universe from an intergalactic dictator would at least dramatically shorten her prison sentence? So no, I don’t think Catra should have ended up in prison.

The Diamonds: So the thing about their redemption arc is… they don’t really have one. We’re just kind of meant to forgive them out of the blue. Steven and the Crystal Gems ask the Diamonds for help to cure the corrupted gems and they manage to convince them, but there’s never any point where the Diamonds regret their actions. They only start to regret their actions towards Steven and Pink, but there’s never even an ounce of regret for what they did to anyone else. The Cluster? The deaths? The millions of destroyed planets and civilization? The humans and Rose Quartzes in the zoo? The presumably thousands of off-colors fighting for their lives underground on homeworld every second? That’s all swept under the rug in the finale. And therefore, the Diamonds can’t even get to the point where they make sacrifices for someone else or do anything that would lead me to forgive them, because they’re not even at a point where they realize they’ve done anything wrong. The show treats them like they’re redeemed in the end, but they’re not. Everything they’ve done just gets ignored.

5.     Being held accountable for their actions

Another thing that’s important for redemption arcs is that the heroes don’t just ignore what a character has done and act like it never happened.

Catra: SPOP never shies away from admitting that Catra has done bad things. Even after her heroic sacrifice, the other characters don’t just all forgive Catra at once. Adora still calls her out when she’s being selfish, some of other princesses are resentful towards her, Frosta punches her in the face, etc. One heroic sacrifice isn’t enough: You see Catra constantly working on herself afterwards and doing what she can to become a better person and make up for her actions. And most importantly, those actions are addressed in the show. (Arguably they could have addressed what happened to Angella again, but overall Catra’s actions get acknowledged in the show.)

The Diamonds: My other big problem with SU suddenly acting like the Diamonds are redeemed is that their actions never get addressed. People act like when I say I wanted the Diamonds to be held accountable that means I wanted Steven to shatter them in cold blood – no, I just wanted Steven to at least *say* that what they’re doing is wrong. Like I said, all of their actions other than corrupting gems and treating Steven & Pink badly completely get swept under the rug in Change Your Mind. It’s like we’re meant to assume that everything else will be fine now just because Steven managed to convince the Diamonds to do one (1) thing for him. What will happen to their colonies now? What about the humans and Rose Quartzes in the zoo? What about all the off-colors fighting for their lives underground on homeworld? What about the enslaved Pearls and the class system? None of that ever gets addressed in the finale – we’re just supposed to take that happy ending at face value and believe that all the other stuff will get fixed now, even though the show never says that!

(Before you tell me how any of that gets addressed in the movie or in Steven Universe Future – I don’t care. SU Future is a new show that takes place after a timeskip. The movie is also a separate thing. SU should make sense as a show on its own and it doesn’t. Change Your Mind was presented as a finale and therefore should wrap up the most important plots and it didn’t.)

For all we know after watching CYM, Steven doesn’t actually care about anything the Diamonds have done. He’s sitting on their shoulders and laughing with them in the end and we’re meant to take that as a happy ending. For all we know, there’s still an oppressive class system and gems getting shattered for not fitting into it on homeworld. The Cluster’s still suffering. The Pearls are still slaves. The Diamonds are still dictators and that aspect never changed – because it’s never addressed. When White Pearl regains consciousness, Steven says “Welcome Back”, but nothing in this episode ever implies that she’s not still WD’s slave. When Lars and the Off-colors arrive on Earth, the fact that they’re terrified of the Diamonds is played for laughs. The finale revolves only around Steven’s feelings while Garnet and Pearl never get a moment of standing up to the people who hurt them.

“But Steven needed the Diamonds’ help the heal the corrupted gems!”

Yes, that’s the in-universe explanation. But a writer still invented that rule. And even so, they could have added a scene where Steven takes the Crystal Gems aside and tells them “Hey, I know these people killed many of your friends, enslaved and persecuted you, but I just want you to know that I don’t actually like them or consider them family and I’m only doing this to help the corrupted gems. You’re my real family.”

6.     Identifying with their victims

I don’t remember who made that post, but there was a post on Tumblr somewhere that said that how likely someone is to forgive a villain often depends on how much they identify with the people that villain has hurt. And if I’m being very honest, that’s what a lot of my hate for the Diamonds boils down to:

The Diamonds don’t appear in Steven Universe until way later in the show. The way we first learn about them is indirect. We know the Crystal Gems fought a war against someone and are hiding on Earth from someone, but that someone doesn’t get a face until way later. By that point, we’ve already been told that fusions like Garnet are illegal on homeworld, that Pearls are considered lesser gems, and that Amethyst would be defective by homeworld’s standards. And all of those things made me personally sympathize with the Crystal Gems and their found family of misfits – and it made me angry at whoever did all of this to them. You can easily read the discrimination Ruby and Sapphire faced for their relationship as a metaphor for homophobia or prejudice against interracial relationships, the discrimination Pearl faces as racism or classism and how Amethyst is treated as ableism.

(Getting personal here for a moment: I’m gay and my parents are from a homophobic country that’s run by a dictator, so I strongly identified with Garnet and how she can’t go back to homeworld because she wouldn’t be allowed to exist as her true self there. Am I maybe reading too much into the show there? Yeah. But honestly, if the Diamonds’ redemption relies on people not identifying with the Crystal Gems – aka the literal protagonists of the show – too much, then maybe it’s just not a good idea. Yeah, maybe if I hadn’t identified with the CGs so strongly, I wouldn’t have minded the Diamond redemption – but it also means I’d have never loved SU as much in the first place.)

What I’m saying is that we first learn about the Diamonds from the point of view of the people they oppressed, persecuted, and tried to kill. We also meet the off-colors and learn about their plight, how they had to spend eons hiding from robots that want to kill them, how they believe the way they are is wrong, etc. We see the Cluster, the people in the zoo etc. and get told the Diamonds did all of this. And then Change Your Mind expects us to suddenly randomly forgive them with no build-up and be okay with Steven calling them “family” over the actual people who raised him.

Catra, on the other hand, is first introduced to us as Adora’s best friend. We get to meet her from the point of view of the protagonist who obviously loves her. Throughout their separation and their struggle, the relationship between these two characters drives the show. Their episodes together are emotional and well-written and make the audience root for them to eventually find their way back together again. We meet her as an abuse-victim who thinks her best friend left her, and we get so many reasons to sympathize with her before she ever hurts anyone.

(And yeah, it helps that the show never lets us personally meet any of the people from the lands she conquered. Yes, we feel bad for Scorpia and all that – but again, being a toxic friend isn’t actually a crime. And yes, we feel bad for Entrapta - but so does Catra, and Entrapta ends up being fine and forgiving her.)

7.     A satisfying ending for a show

This is more general, but SU didn’t have a satisfying conclusion imo, because almost none of the things that needed fixing were ever addressed. We’re meant to take “but the Diamonds say please and thank you now” as a good conclusion without getting to the part where they murder people every day. For all we know, Steven doesn’t even care about that part because the writers never made him act like he does.

And yes, I realize that the Diamonds are meant to be a metaphor for a conservative family that finally learns to accept their queer child (Steven), but that metaphor just didn’t work for me (a queer child of an unaccepting family) at all. Because they’re not presented as an unaccepting family: The show spent 4 seasons building them up as dictators and the ultimate big bad, only to drop the “they’re related to Steven” thing in there last minute and sweep the other stuff under the rug. We’ve also spent 5 seasons seeing the Crystal Gems, the people who literally raised him, as Steven’s family, so suddenly giving that title to their oppressors feels super wrong to me.

To give you a comparison, imagine the following ending for She-Ra: Near the end of season 5, Adora suddenly finds out she’s Horde Prime’s long-lost granddaughter. After calling him out for treating her/her parents badly, he finally regrets that part of his actions and promises to leave Etheria alone so Adora and her friends can live there in peace. However, he’s still going to conquer and destroy the rest of the universe and keep Hordak and the other clones mind-controlled. Adora is fine with this and you see her and Horde Prime laughing together in the end. Catra and all the other people Horde Prime chipped and tortured are seen being okay with him now because as long as Adora, the main character, is happy all the hurt Horde Prime caused anyone else doesn’t matter. When the Star Siblings show up on Etheria while fleeing from the Horde army, the fact that they’re scared of Horde Prime is played for laughs. The End.

… Sounds pretty stupid, doesn’t it? I’m glad SPOP had the guts to just let Adora kill Horde Prime instead. Because some people are not redeemable, and that’s an important lesson, too.

Anyways, I’ve been rambling for too long. The bottom line is: The Diamonds are way more comparable to Horde Prime than to Catra. The scale of their actions is the same as that of Horde Prime, their motivations are never explained, we never get any reasons to sympathize with them, the main characters have all been victims of their regime, their redemption arc is nonexistent, they never get called out for their actions and the way their story is concluded is just badly written and leaves way too many factors unaddressed. They get forgiven without ever even being sorry and the Crystal Gems never get a moment to shine and stand up to them. So yes, I consider them irredeemable and was disappointed the show didn’t end with them getting imprisoned at least. (I was kind of hoping for a Homeworld revolution where everyone finally stands up to them, but… *sigh*.) If the show was going to redeem them, they should have at least done it properly by actually showing them have a change of heart and making them try to make up for their actions, instead of letting us assume that all happened off-screen.

Catra on the other hand gets presented as someone to root for from the beginning. She’s only in the Horde due to unfortunate circumstances, got abused and mistreated her whole life, is motivated by a desperate attempt to prove herself and make sure she doesn’t get hurt again, and never committed crimes on the same scale as the Diamonds. Her change of heart is believable and what her arc has been building up to for 4 seasons, she makes great personal sacrifices for Glimmer and Adora, gets held accountable for her actions, helps save the entire universe and is a character who has already suffered her entire life – so yes, I strongly believe that she deserves to live a happy, free, and peaceful life after the show.

[imaginesandinserts]

Irreverent Pt. 28 - Defy

Title: Irreverent Pt. 28 - Defy Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader Rating: R Words: 1690

Irreverent Series Masterlist

You were making lunch for yourself, Hotch, and Jack when you heard the doorbell ring. Hotch looked at you and you nodded at him to get the door. You can vaguely hear him grabbing the door and talking to someone briefly before you hear a voice you haven't heard in years.

"Y/N, you should answer the door to your own home yourself. It's impolite to ask guests to answer for you."

You felt your stomach clench at the familiar nagging voice.

Hotch was standing in your living room with your Mother. She stood in front of him, deftly removing her gloves and giving you her patented look of disdain. What on earth was she doing here? You hadn't seen your mother since graduation. Once you'd stopped attending the mandatory family events she never once reached out or came by. Your father had tried, but she never cared. So the fact that she was standing in your living room was causing your brain to go into hyperactive mode.

"Mother," you swallowed, walking out from the kitchen and into the living room. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Well, if you would answer your phone calls, I wouldn't have to come here in person." She sniffed and proceeded to walk around your living room and take a seat on the couch. You looked at Hotch and he shot you a quick reassuring smile.

Taking a deep breath, you tried to calm yourself instead of freaking out that she was here. "Mother, this is my friend - coworker - Aaron Hotchner," you tell her, indicating towards Hotch. "Hotch, as you might have gathered, this is my mother." The pained smile on your face does not escape his notice.

But Hotch is ever so polite.  His presence is the only thing keeping you from being rude and asking her to simply leave. "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. L/N." He smiles and she returns it with a haughty look, still surveying your home.

Right then, Jack comes running in and bumps into your legs. You quickly kneel down to his height. "Hey, you okay? What's up?"

"Y/N, where are the paints?" He asks, as he looks around at his father and notices the stranger sitting on the couch.

"They should be in your room Bud. Check in the drawers." You're very aware of the fact that your mother is watching you interact with a child that is very obviously not your child, who just so happens to have a room in your house. You hated that she was here and able to get a glimpse into your life. A life she had no right to be a part of.

He nods. You turn back up to see her looking at you expectantly. "Mother, this is Jack."

"My son," Hotch interjects, sensing your unease. "Jack, please say hello to Y/N's mother, Mrs. L/N," he prompts.

"Hello Mrs. L/N, it's nice to meet you," you hear Jack say precociously. His father taught him well. "Y/N," he says next, turning back to you, "can I go look upstairs for the paints?"

"Yeah, of course. If you can't find that, let me know and I'll come help." You quickly smile and run a hand through Jack's hair before he turns and runs back upstairs.

Turning your attention back to your mother, you see the shock evident in her face. She was not expecting this when she walked arrived at your door today. This bizarre picture of domesticity that you painted with Hotch and Jack. It was foreign to her.

You wanted her gone, so you asked Hotch to man the stove while you spoke with your mother. He nodded and touched your arm reassuringly before retreating to the kitchen.

Hotch watched as you walked over to the armchair nearest to your mother's spot on the couch and lowered yourself into it. He had his eyes on the stove but his ears were pointed to the living room. Everything he knew about this woman had his guard up.

"Mother, why are you here?" Your voice was softer, more hesitant.

"This is a very interesting setup you've built for yourself. Setting up house with an older man and his child."

"Hotch is a friend, Mother," you reminded her.

"Hm, a friend whose child has a room of his own in your home. Do you think I'm stupid, Y/N?" Her low voice is filled with poison as she speaks to you. "If you had simply married Matthew, you could have had this for yourself instead of stealing someone else's."

Her words caused your heart to ache. She thought you were having some sort of dirty affair with Hotch. You could feel the pin pricks of tears in your eyes accompanied by pure rage but she was the last person you'd ever allow to see you cry. How dare she barge into your home, accuse you of stealing someone's husband, and then remind you of a relationship that you were all too eager to forget forever?

However, you controlled your reaction, knowing that Hotch was still there and didn't need another terrifying view into your awful family. You asked her again, "What are you doing here?"

"I refuse to go through lawyers to get what is rightfully mine. You'd think after being married to the man for years, I wouldn't have to suffer this disgrace!" She was referring to the fact that your father's will had you and your brothers named as the primary beneficiaries of his estate. Your mother was given a small annual allowance, far less than was needed to maintain her lifestyle. You'd wanted very little to do with the matter, however with Dominic in WITSEC still and Julian no longer around, you were the person set to inherit everything. You'd already put aside half for Dominic and were working with the Marshalls to make sure he and his family would be alright. Your Mother - per your lawyer - had been harassing him and your father's lawyers ever since. You wanted to just give her what she asked for, but your lawyer was advising against it as her demands were getting increasingly outlandish. He'd have a field day when you told him about this.

You were determined to keep this as civil as possible still, however. "As you've been told before, I will be going through our lawyers to arrive at a decision we can both live with. I am doing my best to make sure that you are taken care of, however I will not simply hand over everything. Papa was not a good man and I'd like for his money to be used for some good at least."

Her eyes flashed at your words and you knew she was entering into the state where she said anything she wanted. "I will not stand by while you squander all the money on whatever ridiculous cause you've picked up this week. The only good thing you ever did was agree to marry Matthew - he would have taken care of you and I wouldn't have to see the day where you think you're better than us because you're a middling police officer instead of being someone I could proudly point to as my daughter. You have been a disappointment for years now and this whole act you have of being kind and generous and wanting to do good in the world is disgustingly transparent! You even ruined the Matthew thing despite him being so accepting and understanding of your deficiencies - "

"Do not talk to her that way." You turned to see Hotch suddenly standing behind you. He looked completely pissed off in a way you hadn't seen before. "Y/N is amazing and kind and generous and accomplished and everything she has achieved is a credit to her and her alone. She did everything in spite of you and your husband."

You couldn't believe he was standing in your living room and telling off your mother that way. Does he really think that? It's Hotch, of course he does. You could feel the warmth coursing through your body and his presence emboldened you.

Standing, you turned to your mother who still sat on the couch, dazed at being called out. "Mother, please leave. I never wish to see you again. I will do my very best to ensure that you get what you need, but if you ever show up around me again, I'll make sure you get nothing."

Your voice must have been filled with true conviction, because she went from looking dazed to enraged in a moment. However, she must have taken your threat seriously. She stood and looked between you and Hotch, before she said, "Fine." and then proceeded to walk out the door, slamming it behind her.

You looked back at Hotch who now only seemed completely concerned. He reached towards you and you allowed yourself to be pulled into his chest. "Thank you." Your words were muffled against his chest but he heard you nonetheless. You wanted this moment to last forever. So, of course the fire alarm went off.

You watched as Hotch went to go take care of the pan you'd both forgotten on the stove. Lunch would be delayed. You watched as he deftly cleaned up and then began to chop vegetables again so you could start over. You always felt safe and taken care of with Hotch. Even in the field, being partnered with him gave you a sense of security despite how worried you'd get when he threw himself in the path of an Unsub. He was such a good leader and such a good friend and he was always warm and of course everyone else thought he was grumpy but you'd never understood that. He was funny and attractive. He was in control and he was so smart - he always saw the full picture of the profile faster than anyone else. You admired his uncanny ability to be a good boss and then turn around and be a good father to Jack.

I love him.

No thought had ever been clearer in your mind.

[painted-crow]

Hello, so um, this is the rambling burned lion vibe anon. So I have a strange thought that I might be a badly burned badger primary. It would fit, I don't even understand what it means to have a community or to bond with it, but bonding and attacking yourself to something? Yes. Its not enough to like a language I'm learning, I'd want to connect with its people to, and I know I'll never be fully accepted, I'd be a stranger, always. 1.

I do relate to burned badger description most. But I hate the thought of being one. All that I know that it makes you easy to be used for others. I'd never had a community so I don't know about that. The dehumanising part? Well, I can easily lower the value of the person for myself, if I need to suddenly don't make them matter or count. That doesn't make it sticky. I'm more sad that I had to go to this method. The nice person has more value than the rude one, who doesn't care about others. 2.

Burned lion sounds alright, but I don't think that much about what's right or wrong. That's what trips me over it. I might know what's right, what 'I' think is right and can't really do anything about it, and feel bad about it, or I don't know, and I'm only concerned that I wish I'd be sure but I'm okay not to know. I'm more thrown away by the doubt, than the right or wrong question. Do you still think I should consider Lion primary? 3. Sorry if it's annoying.

It's ultimately up to you (I do remember this anon), but I don’t think this is really firm enough for me to say, "yes, this is burned Badger."

A Lion can have a variety of different ideals they value, and Badgery ones may be among them. (I've got some asks in my inbox about this--like how do you tell the difference--and they're pretty hard to answer actually.)

The dehumanizing thing--that still sounds Lion. "Screw this person in particular, ugh, I wish you weren't such an asshole, but you are so I won't waste any more time and energy on you" kind of thing.

Badgers tend to be like "this person is a complete monster now/they belong to a category of people who don't deserve the same rights. I owe them nothing."

Snakes are the ones who'll feel most sticky about "this person betrayed me... but. they were My Person. but. :("

I almost missed the last ask earlier, and I think it says a lot. I think you're running into a very burned Gryff problem where you've lost touch with your intuitive moral compass completely. That doesn't mean you don't care; it just means you've pushed down those feelings long enough that you can't actually access them any more. @wisteria-lodge also went through this when she Burned her Lion, and had to gradually coax her intuition into talking to her again.

"I'm more thrown by the doubt than by the right or wrong question" is SUCH a Burned Lion thing to say. You aren't looking for morality from other people. You're still looking for it from yourself, and it's just not accessible, and it hurts. That's burned Gryff.

But if the Burned Badger description is something you relate to, if it makes you feel described and seen, you might also consider whether you're a burned Lion primary with a burned Badger model.

Yeah, I know... it's a lot of fire. But when you Burn one House, the others can get damaged too. (Relevant to recent discussions on this blog!)

It's not uncommon for people with Burned Houses to pick up models, and unfortunately it's also not uncommon for those models to end up Burned themselves. You might even more closely identify with the model, because you saw it healthy more recently than your actual primary, and even if Burned, its traces are more obvious.

All of which is to say, I do still think you're probably a Lion! You've just been Burned for a very long time... oof 😔

Ultimately, though, your Sorting is up to you. You've probably figured this out by now one way or the other, but if not... good luck! :)

[ask-artsy-oncie]

So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out. 

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool. 

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now. 

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow? 

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over. 

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included. 

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying. 

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.” 

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds. 

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly. 

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read. 

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

[francesackerley]

Franemiah~

— SHIP QUESTIONS: Franemiah

also asked by @lucy-needham

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

How did they first meet?

They meet at Vauxhall, when Frances has grown tired of disguises and is trying to find her way home and Jeremiah is trying to make a home far away from what he’s known. They’re two wrong people who meet at the right time. 

What was their first impression of each other?

Jeremiah is rustic, overly candid and vexatious. No doubt he finds Frances vain, fussy and discourteous. Nevertheless, Frances walks away with roughly cut rose worth admiring. Jeremiah leaves with a fussy looking handkerchief, soft to the touch.

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

Had anyone been aware they had met, the Fitzroys would be scandalized. Lucy would encourage it thinking Jeremiah is good for Frances (but only after laughing for a good five minutes at the irony). Archie wouldn’t necessarily be against them but he wouldn’t understand (then again, he’s never quite understood Frances.)

Who felt romantic feelings first?

Jeremiah. Frances was too busy looking elsewhere to think about him as a real prospect.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Both in their own way, though Frances wins the prize for trying harder. Jeremiah’s resistance was primarily motivated by skepticism that his feelings would lead anywhere. Frances resists because she’s scared of where her feelings will lead. 

If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

Frances doesn’t believe in soulmates, but she believes Jeremiah when he says he loves her. That’s better.

What would their lives be like if they had never met?

There would be a day many years from now where Frances would be lying alone in her separate bedroom in her large, opulent house and she would wonder, just for a moment, if this was all there was to life. 

Then she would go to sleep and begin the next day the same way she has all the others. How can there be anything else? This is all she’s known.  

GENERAL

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

Jeremiah. They’re figuring it out. 

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

They’ve only interacted privately. If they ever do attempt a properly chaperoned excursion it’s likely to be painfully awkward as they try to conform to external expectations. 

What was their first kiss like?

“Like gambling it all and winning in the end.”

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

Jeremiah is the first person Frances has been vulnerable with. 

What’s their height difference? Age difference?

He's taller by 2″ and she's older by a year. 

What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Strained on both sides. Each family has qualities they dislike in the non-related spouse (Jeremiah: is American and poor, Frances: is posh and a snob). They make an effort with ther other’s family to please one another, but it doesn’t always go well (read: Frances is rude).

Frederica would have liked him.

Who takes the lead in social situations?

Frances. 

Who gets jealous easier?

Frances, but she’ll deny it.

Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

Jeremiah does it more often. On the rare occasion Frances does participate she takes a unique pleasure in watching his ears go red. 

LOVE

Who said “I love you” first?

Jeremiah.

What are their primary love languages?

1. Words of affirmation.

2. Acts of service

3. Physical touch

Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Jeremiah, but they’re more awkward than cheesy (see: “I do wish for you to know that I’m–I–like this”). They’re always earnest, so in the end they get the job done. 

How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

PDA: Not very often, but Frances enjoys absent touches. 

Cuddling: More often than she’ll admit to.

Who initiates kisses?

Jeremiah at first, but Frances does it more often the longer they’re together. 

Who’s the big and little spoon?

They take turns. Sometimes Frances likes to be able to hold Jeremiah without feeling self-conscious about the depth of feeling he might see on her face. Other times Jeremiah gets to marvel that the same rough hands that set snares and pull a trigger can hold something delicate, pretty and vicious as any predator he’s caught before. 

What are their favorite things to do together?

Surprising athletic pursuits: walking, riding, dancing. The early years of their relationship are spent figuring out how they can mesh together without compromising who they are. 

Who’s better at comforting the other?

Jeremiah. He’s persistent and patient beyond what Frances deserves. 

Who’s more protective?

Jeremiah overtly, Frances covertly. The proper fork always seems to appear by his hand at the proper dinners, his cravat is always neatly tied, Frances always has an extra handkerchief on hand. 

Also, if you thought you heard Frances share a nasty rumor about someone who was rude to Jeremiah last week, no you didn’t. 

Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Frances is greedy: both. Jeremiah prefers physical affection, it’s reliable in a way words aren’t. 

What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

When they first met: bored like me by dodie

From Frances's perspective: For You by Lara Marling

Because there’s a Taylor Swift song for everything: King of My Heart

What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

Lord Ackerley when she's feeling fond, Jeremiah when they're alone, Jerry-miah when she wants to tease after hearing it from Aster.

Who remembers the little things?

Both, though people think it’s Frances which bothers her. Jeremiah is more perceptive than people give him credit for. 

DOMESTIC LIFE

If they get married, who proposes?

Jeremiah, but it’s not as romantic as one might think. Frances's aspirations for marriage aren't a secret between them. If they get married it’s because he finally decided it’s something he wants (or is willing to do to please her.) 

What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

Wedding planning is...unpleasant. It’s another life checkpoint where Frances has to reconcile the path she chose for herself with the expectations others had for her. She doesn’t end up with the wedding she always dreamed she would have, but it works out in the end. The act of publicly choosing one another carries more significance than she thought it would. 

Aster and Johann send their unapologetic regrets and a wedding gift. 

How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

If Jeremiah felt strongly enough about having children Frances could be persuaded to have them to make him happy. Otherwise, they're content as they are.

Do they have any pets?

A small pack of wolf/deerhounds, but only Sadie is allowed to freely roam. A small Pomeranian that thinks it’s a hunting dog (the wedding gift). Horses. A cat found in the stables (it's a stray and taciturn, but Jeremiah insists on feeding it after remarking it reminds him of someone. It takes to him. Frances allows it to stay.) 

Who’s the stricter parent?

Frances isn’t stricter per say, but parenting doesn’t come easy to her like it does for Jeremiah. It’s something she’s insecure about (again, she’ll deny it).

Who worries the most?

They worry about different things, both of which are immutable. Frances worries she’s too domineering and will eventually push Jeremiah’s patience to the point of no return. Jeremiah worries Frances will eventually wish she had married someone more traditional. They muddle through.

Who kills the bugs in the house?

Jeremiah. It's one of the perks of being with someone who grew up in the woods.

How do they celebrate holidays?

Another life checkpoint for Frances. Holidays are no longer marked by the large, extravagant parties that draw a prestigious assemblage of peers that she knew in childhood. There are still parties, but they’re smaller more intimate affairs. 

Jeremiah is responsible for cutting down their Christmas tree, Frances decorates it (he has an axe, she has taste).

Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Frances.

Who’s the better cook?

Jeremiah. Frances has to repeatedly remind him that they have a cook, a fact he seems to forget whenever he’s peckish and defaults to making himself whatever he’s craving rather than ring for it. 

Who likes to dance?

Both (they’re especially partial to the waltz.)

[epicspheal]

Hello! Just popping by to ask about Calla! I've reread your oc post for the hundredth time now, and she just so interesting! Like what's her relationship with everyone and such. Not to mention she reminds me of Kipo in a way.( She seems the optimistic sort, not to mention insanely smart)

Also if you haven't, pls watch Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts. It's animated, but it has a good story and music. Majority poc cast is a bonus.

Hi there ihopethisendswell!

I have definitely watched Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts, although I need to finish it (after I get done with studying for the MCAT, that test is *shudders*). I can definitely see Calla reminding your of Kipo they do have some similarities (there’s also one other champion OC of mine that has similarities to another Kipo character) Definitely putting everything under the Keep Reading tag because this is long.

Her outgoing, friendly nature is also very much in part due to the fact that as child genius she didn’t really get a chance to spend time with children her age as she went to college at 8. So she’s been kind of lonely and thus always eager to make a new friend. She can be a little too blunt with her words, but she’s aware enough to know when she might have crossed a line and will apologize profusely afterwards

Obviously her closest relationship is with Hop. Calla actually lived in Wedgehurst and not Postwick but Hop spent a lot of time Wedgehurst (because that’s where the primary school). They became friends over the summer at the berry shop and pretty much became joined to the hip when Calla wasn’t away at Motostoke University doing her chemistry degree. Hop (being a budding science nerd himself) enjoyed hearing from her about what she was learning in college and he would share stuff about Pokemon that he learned from Leon’s college textbooks. The two also bonded from being lonely with Calla being isolated from people her age because of being a child genius and Hop was ostracized for being Leon’s brother (in the fact of the kids in Wedgehurst loved Leon, but they found Hop annoying and only pretended to care about Hop if he mentioned something about Leon coming home). Calla was the first kid he met to be interested in Hop as a person, and not as Leon’s little brother so their friendship means the absolute world to Hop. They balance each other out as Hop is known to be impulsive and patient whereas Calla is far more cautious and deliberate. You would think given those descriptions Hop is the Sword Hero and that Calla is Shield Hero but it’s actually the reverse. Throughout their journey Hop and Calla learned the value of the way the other acts. Hop learns to be a little less impulsive (as his impulsiveness combined with his tendency to get flustered cost him many battles). Calla learned that’s okay to make bold decisive moves without meticulously planning them out which helped her in the long run against tough opponents (such as Rose who has a steel type team that walled her poison types or Leon who has a team fast heavy hitters that even with poison set up could still absolutely maul her team given the chance to do so) Also I should note Calla is not a Victor/Gloria stand-in. Victor and Gloria very much exist in my “Pokemon canon” but they were some of the fake friends to Hop who secretly thought he was annoying. Basically Victor and Gloria in my universe are those Pokemon fans who hate Hop and find him annoying. :(

Speaking of Leon, Calla of course was a fan of him from the start. She did get a little upset with him constantly keeping her and Hop away from the berserk Dynamaxed Pokemon, thinking that he didn’t think they were capable of helping out. Which wasn’t the case it’s just and this going into some of my broader personal headcanons, Leon and his cohort (Piers, Sonia, Nessa, and Raihan) were at the mercy of a jerk Champion (my OC Jack, the last champion on that OC Post). He didn’t want to take away from their gym challenge like what to happen to his. Of course once the Darkest Day and Sordward/Shieldbert arcs are over Leon and Calla ended up working well together as fellow champions and friends. As I alluded to in my oneshot Midnight Snacks (shameless plug) Calla has a tendency to be a night owl and if she’s stressed she’ll call Leon over to one of the battle cafe’s to have pastries and chat. Leon loves listening to her science theories (and yes he actually understands her rants on chemistry and toxicology) and Calla loves having a cool older brother she never got (she’s an only child). They also end up as in-laws when Hop and Calla get married at 23. Leon is also very protective of her, giving her less responsibilities than Rose gave him and helped to warm the public to her as some of them didn’t take too kindly to her using Eternatus in her champion matches. 

But in terms of the adult she most looks up to, that’d be Sonia. Strong battler (unlike in canon, we get to see why Sonia used to be Leon’s rival in my personal Pokemon verse) and a smart scientist lady. Calla was immediately awestruck by Sonia and always enjoyed her time talking to Sonia helping her with her theory about the truth of the Darkest Day. Sonia, Hop and Calla end up being the science trio once the SwSh events come to a close. Sonia was the one to encourage Calla when she becomes 18 (and has now held the title of champion for 5 years) to go back and pursue her PhD in Toxicology giving the Galar region their first ever champion professor! If Leon is the big bro she always wanted, the Sonia is definitely the big sister she always wanted. 

As far as the league goes, Calla is pretty much on good terms with everyone not named Klara. Klara choosing the poison type as her go to because it wasn’t as  popular as other types and she thought she’d have no competition in that realm. As someone who is very much passionate about breaking the negative stereotypes of the poison typing, she found Klara’s reasoning to be absolutely insulting.

When it comes to the league, Calla in particular is close to Marnie and Bea. You can often find Calla, Marnie and Bea hanging out together shopping for clothes or eating pastries at a battle cafe. Gordie, Nessa and Calla frequently have competitions to see who can do the best backflips or the best splits. It did take Calla a bit to warm up to Bede at first given how he treated Hop and how he almost wrecked her the first two battles (if wasn’t for her Stunky she would’ve been wiped by psychic trainer Bede), but they are kind of like how the player is with Gladion in SM/USUM. Not friends but not enemies.

Calla has mixed feelings on Rose and Oleana. Rose actually gave her a scholarship to go to Motostoke University when she was 8 (her parents wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise) so she’s indebted to him (he saw her as he saw Bede, Oleana, Leon- talents that can help the future of Galar). And on a personal level Rose was never rude to her. Oleana also kind of took her under her wing because of them both being science gals. But seeing how badly they miscalculated everything really shook her to the core. 

As far as my other champion OCs go, Calla gets along with everyone but Jack (but then again no one gets along with Jack). Calla and Marsha have a particularly close bond as Marsha taught Calla how to cornrow her hair and play spades (Calla was not blessed with parents who knew how to cornrow...or play spades). Marsha is another big sis for her. Calla and Jabari bonded over being type specialists (Jabari is a water type specialist) and Jabari taught her how to rollerskate in exchange for Calla teaching him how to do cartwheels. Calla was of course very interested in meeting Valen (a talking robot who’s a skilled trainer? that’s a dream come true for her). They delight in battling each other and eating Alolan Pancakes. 

[daquanfromthetrap]

Sebastian Michaelis x Reader Ch. 5

Sebastian stared at you, expecting an elaboration of the very vague answer you had just gave him. However, you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction and left it at just that. An abomination. You thought to yourself, brushing passed a suspecting Sebastian. He huffed at your silence, seeming to accept the answer you had just given him. For now. There’s no reason he should know father’s and mine’s secrets. How can we know that they are trustworthy? He is a demon after all, and his master’s primary goal is still unknown. I cannot risk Father’s safety.

“Come now, milady. The young master must be waiting for us at the inn by now.” Sebastian sighed still unsatisfied with your answer. What a strange woman. I must say, it does intrigue me even more. I still don’t sense a threat from her but I would like to know who exactly she is.

You and Sebastian continued your walk back to the inn in an awkward silence. The tension between you was heavy but neither of you dare spoke. You could feel Sebastian’s red eyes watching you from behind. You were glad to look up and see the familiar entrance of the inn with the young lord impatiently tapping his foot outside, waiting for the two of you to get back. You chuckled at the sight. In this moment, Ciel Phantomhive did not look like a brooding Earl of a large estate and the Queen’s Watchdog. He looked like a regular boy, impatiently waiting for something. It truly was a sight to behold, that was until a velvety voice cut the silence. 

“My, my, Young Master, did we have you waiting for long?” Sebastian stifled a laugh, obviously enjoying the look of irritation plastered on the boy’s face.

Ciel huffed, “What took you two so damn long?! I was waiting here for hours!!”

You bowed your head, trying to mask your amusement in the young lord’s tantrum. “Apologies, my Lord. There was a bit of a mix up at the market.”

Although still quite obviously irritated, Ciel softened his voice a bit in response to your apology. “Well, don’t let it happen again. I hate to be left waiting.” He then turned to Sebastian, “And what took you so long?!” 

Sebastian smiled, placing his hand on his heart to feign innocence, “Why I was only worried about how Lady (Y/N) was getting along in her investigation.” You furrowed your brow, looking at Sebastian in the corner of your eyes to see where exactly he was going to take this. “It’s a good thing I came too. A strange man had her in a dark alleyway all by herself. I had to run him off before anything escalated.” He finished off his story, shooting you a look. 

You rolled your eyes, turning to the questioned look of the earl. “Now, now, Sebastian, everything was going on well before you came along. That boy thought he was saving me from a rude shopkeeper. He actually would’ve been great to question but somebody’s butler decided to butt in.” You added a fake sweetness to your tone and shot back the same fake smile Sebastian had plastered on his face. 

Ciel looked between the two of you with a raised brow before sighing in defeat, “Well, did either of you at least find anything interesting?” 

Sebastian and you shared a look before shaking your head in unison.

Ciel groaned at the lack of information from his “parents”. “Ugh, well lucky for us, I found something rather interesting. Some children I found playing in the streets were talking about somebody they call ‘Granny’.”You and Sebastian nodded as you listened to Ciel continue on. “Apparently this ‘Granny’ will visit children each night, asking them about the kinds of treats they love and if their parents give them those treats. Granny will then come back the next night with your favorite treats and offer you a chance to get more treats in her cottage. As many treats as you would like. If they decline the offer, they are given their treats and told to go back to bed.”

“And what happens if they accept?” You questioned.

Ciel shrugged. “According to the children, Granny takes you away to her cottage and you could eat all the sweets and treats you’d ever like.” 

“Well that doesn’t sound suspicious at all.” you say sarcastically.

“Hmmm. It seems like a trick question. Why, if you say ‘no’ you get rewarded with a treat. But If you say ‘yes’, you are still rewarded but with a significant amount more than if you were to answer ‘no’.” Sebastian thought aloud, stroking his chin.

You nodded in agreement. “Why would you want just one treat when you can have as much as you’d like? Of course, children will lie a bit to get what they want. Especially if they don’t know the consequences then and there.”

“And who wouldn’t trust a grandmotherly old woman?” Ciel added. “Yes, this ‘Granny’ may be who we are looking for after all.” 

-----------------time skip to night fall--------------------------------------------------

Exhausted from the day out, you were glad to be able to wash the day away and slip into your night gown. You heard a knock at the door. You smirked, knowing exactly who could be knocking on your door at this hour. 

“Enter.” you answered, mindlessly brushing your wet hair, turning to speak to your visitor. “You know Sebastian, you shouldn-” you cut yourself off, surprised to see who stood in front of you. Instead of the man you were expecting it to be, it was the man you had met earlier in the market place. Henry. You remembered. 

It seemed that he was just as surprised to see you as you were to see him. A blush crept up on his cheeks as he was trying to find the words to speak to you. You broke the silence first. 

Time to play up the charm. What a bother, I just wanted to go straight to bed. Maybe irritate Sebastian a bit if he came for a visit. You thought to yourself. “Why, Henry!! It’s marvelous to see you again! And so soon!” You gave him a warm smile. “But if you don’t mind my asking, what exactly are you doing here?” 

Henry laughed a bit in response, obviously still at a lost for words. “Well me mum and dad run this inn, you see. I come in from time to time and offer my assistance. I was actually told to bring more linens to this room but I had no idea you were in here (Y/N).” He said with a boyish grin. He looked around the room a bit, “By the way, where’s that big scary husband of yours? He didn’t leave you all alone here did he?” 

Shit. It wouldn’t look right if Sebastian and I had separate rooms as a married couple. “Oh, I’m actually not too sure. I do believe he might still be putting our son to bed. To be honest, I thought you were him when you knocked.” you chuckled. 

Henry raised a brow, a playful grin playing at his lips. “Well, it wouldn’t be good for business if I were to leave a guest lonely and unsatisfied, now would it?” He was saying as he made his way to the bed and placed the fresh linens on it, while taking a seat himself. He really emphasized the words “lonely and unsatisfied”, making a point to stare into your eyes.

You laughed. Cheeky bastard. “I can assure you there is no need for that Henry. I do thank you for your hospitality, however, my husband should be returning very soon. I don’t know how he would react with a strange man in the room alone with me... sitting on the bed.” You shot him a playful smirk, amused at his shamelessness. 

Henry held his chest, feigning an injury to his heart, “Strange man?! Is that anyway to speak to your host and savior from earlier? I just wanted to make sure our guests are well taken care of.” 

You rolled your eyes in response. This man is quite amusing and charming. He must be very popular with women. You could say he has a ‘demon’s tongue’ by the way he can so easily charm you. You thought to yourself a bit before looking back up at Henry. “Actually, there is something you can help me out with if you don’t mind.” 

Henry sat up, eagerly waiting for your request. Wow he’s characteristically similar to a dog. Before you could even ask him about any strange happenings that he may know of, you heard a familiar voice slice through the air. “What can he help you with, that I can’t already do for you?” 

You and Henry both turned to see Sebastian, standing at the door, glaring at Henry. Henry shot up from the bed, making a point to pick up the fresh linens and set them on the bed again. You wanted to laugh at the scene unfolding before you, but you decided it was in everyone’s best interest (especially Henry’s) that you didn’t. “Now, now Sebastian, that’s no way to speak to our host. It was purely by luck that we ran into each other again. Isn’t it wonderful?” Your last sentence was meant to add fuel to the fire. You liked this game. Sebastian was definitely an interesting game piece.

Sebastian looked at you with that devilish glow in his eyes before turning back to Henry with his signature fake smile. “Ah yes Harry isn’t it? (Y/N) told me all about that fiasco you saved her from earlier today. I must express my gratitude to you for assisting my darling wife.” Ugh why am I feeling this way again? He’s nothing but a human pest. Sebastian questioned himself. It must be this girl, casting some type of spell. Sebastian concluded that you were a sorceress of some sort, since that was the only thing that could make any sense to him. After all, he only had feelings of incredible hostility towards Henry when he was with you.

“It’s actually Henry. And it’s a pleasure to see you again, Steven.” Henry bowed a bit still upholding his duties as our host.

Sebastian gritted his teeth, “Hmph, my name is Sebastian.” 

Henry completely ignored Sebastian’s comment before continuing, “My family runs this inn here, you see. I was told to bring in some fresh linens for our guests and it was just my luck to run into this pretty lady again.” He finished turning to you with a warm smile. 

You returned the smile, eyeing Sebastian in the corner of your eye. You could visibly see him getting increasingly irritated by Henry’s presence in the room.

Ugh the testosterone in this room is quite suffocating. You rolled your eyes at the display of passive aggressive challenging between the man and demon before you. I have to admit that this is quite entertaining, but with Sebastian here, Henry might not be able to speak as freely as he would like to. I have to speak with Henry alone. 

Sebastian glided to you in a few steps, placing his hand on your shoulder. “Well darling, what was it you needed help with? Surely we can stop bothering this man as he has many other guests to attend to.”

You let out a breathy laugh, a mischievous idea to poke fun at Sebastian popping into your head, “Well, actually,  I’m glad that both of you are here now... Why have one, when I can have two at the same time?” you paused looking at the puzzled look on Henry’s face, a deep red blush blooming onto his face, and the glare coming from Sebastian. Sebastian squeezed your shoulder a bit, almost as a warning. You placed your hand on his and squeezed back before swiftly brushing it off your shoulder. 

You innocently elaborated with, “We don’t have many friends and I love having guests. It’s like our own little after dinner party isn’t it?”

Henry cleared his throat, pushing away any thoughts your previous comments may have ignited. “Well, either way, I’ll be happy to assist you again Miss (Y/N). With anything.” Henry winked at you. 

This cheeky brat. What game is Lady (Y/N) playing at by entertaining this fool. Sebastian huffed to himself, his demon eyes having a low glow in irritation. He sighed grinning to himself. He then bent down and scooped you up, carrying you over to the bed, all the while speaking to Henry without looking at him. “Well, Harry, it is getting to be quite late. It’s about time I put (Y/N) to bed. Although...” He paused a bit, gently placing you onto the bed and placing himself at the edge but still leaning over you territorially. He began unbuttoning his shirt and looked back up at Henry who was now standing at the door, “She won’t be getting much sleep tonight...” Sebastian smirked, placing his gloved hand on your thigh. “You can see yourself out, sir.” 

Your eyes widened at Sebastian’s wickedness, turning your head to see Henry’s reaction. His face was red again, but this time he stared at the floor looking disappointed. He cleared his throat, “Goodnight Miss (Y/N). Sleep well.”

“Oh, she will.” Sebastian answered, earning a glare from Henry as he slammed the door shut. 

Poor boy. You thought, noting the look on Henry’s face at Sebastian’s actions and words. He shouldn’t look so disappointed. I am “married” with a “child” after all. You were too busy thinking to yourself to even notice that Sebastian had climbed on top you, placing his hands on either side of your head. You were met by demon eyes, glowing dangerously bright. 

“Jealously is a strange look on you Sebastian.” you said coyly. 

Sebastian laughed, “Jealousy is not a feeling typically known by demons. However...” he leaned down to where his lips brushed against your ear, “I do know what feels good.” 

You raised a brow, “I’m sure you do.”

Placing a hand on Sebastian’s chest, you gently push him off you so you could sit up. This simple gesture seemed to surprise him a bit as you watched his widened eyes return to their usual red color. He sat in front of you, staring at you suspiciously. 

“You should stay in here tonight.” you stated. Sebastian snapped his neck to look at you again with a surprised look that soon turned into a devious smile. 

You laughed at his reaction, bringing your hand up to gently poke the middle of his forehead. This earned yet another bewildered look from the demon in front of you. “I mean, you should stay here tonight because it will look suspicious if we are sleeping in different rooms when we are supposed to be a married couple.” 

Sebastian seemed to think for a bit before nodding in agreement to you. “You are correct. It will look a bit strange if we do not share a room as husband and wife. Especially with that cheeky fellow running around.” 

You nodded. “Well that settles it, you’ll stay in here tonight. Don’t worry about your master, he is in the next room and we can both hear if something happens.” You patted the spot next to you, “Why don’t you try to sleep? Demons use sleep for recreational purpose, don’t they?” 

“Milady, how did you kn-” 

“Ugh never mind that Sebastian. Unlike you, I actually need to sleep.” you cut him off, turning on your side to go to sleep. “Tomorrow, I will try to get any information I can by speaking with Henry... alone.”

“Bu-”

“It would be a great deal of help if you were not present, my dear husband. I don’t need to witness another masculinity match between the two of you.”

Sebastian was a bit taken aback by everything you just said and your casualness about it, but he just laughed, “As you wish, milady.” He answered before climbing over to the spot next to you, laying down on his back. 

You rolled over to face him, “And don’t you try anything funny while I’m asleep. I am a light sleeper and I will not hesitate to break your arms.” you huffed at him before rolling back over to fall asleep. 

Sebastian smiled at the back of your head, his heart thumping and a strange feeling creeping up Into his stomach. Ugh why am I feeling this way? I feel sick. But it’s also a nice feeling... I’ll have to ask the young master about it tomorrow. He sighed to himself before closing his eyes and drifting off into slumber. 

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Hey guys!! I know this part is a bit short but hope you enjoy it!! Lemme know if you have any request or suggestions :)

[imaginaryelle]

Turnabout and Start Again

Part 8

(aka, the soulmates role-reversal au)

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7

Note: My knowledge of meridians, qi, acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine is based on incomplete personal research and wuxia tropes, and I am very likely to have gotten some things wrong in my presentation of the concepts Wen Qing uses in this chapter. I’m working mostly on the idea that this is a fantasy world based on a fantasy genre with some real world connections, and so accuracy is not my primary concern, but if I got something completely wrong, or present ideas in a way that is unintentionally offensive, I am happy to learn and edit in corrections.

Thanks again to @morphia-writes and @miyuki4s for the continued beta help!

*

They find Wen Qing tending to simmering pots of medicine outside a large, airy building that Wei Ying describes as part infirmary, part training hall. Three disciples are fanning smoldering embers and sorting fresh herbs under her direction, and the sunny courtyard smells so strongly of bitter tonics and woodsmoke that Lan Wangji has to swallow back a cough.

Wei Ying pauses just outside the arc of tables and stoves and lowers his voice to a murmur. 

“Wen Qing is trustworthy,” he says, “but if you don’t want to share your identity—”

“It’s fine.”

“—I know you didn’t tell Zewu-jun so I can probably—what?” Wei Ying blinks at him. 

“You trust Wen Qing.” It’s barely a question—the strength of their relationship is evident in how Wei Ying speaks of her—but Wei Ying takes it seriously.

“With my life. With—with anyone’s life.” he promises, so readily Lan Wangji cannot doubt him.

“And you believe she can help with the curse.”

“I hope she can,” Wei Ying looks over his shoulder at her. “She’s very good. I told you she saved Zixuan-jiefu and Shijie—if you remember—”

Lan Wangji could not have forgotten. The image of the Jin heir, pallid and barely breathing with the glow of a soulbond spilling out of his open chest, is one that haunted his dreams in the days he spent searching for Wei Ying afterward. Thirteen years past by the calendar; only months ago in his memories.

“She knows more about spiritual energy than anyone else I’ve met,” Wei Ying is saying, moving his hands for emphasis. 

“You trust her,” Lan Wangji repeats. “I will trust her.”

“You—okay.” Wei Ying blushes. He turns away and strides quickly across the courtyard and Lan Wangji can see the flush moving to his ears and down his neck. It’s distracting enough that Lan Wangji misses the start of their conversation, caught trailing a few steps behind and unable to look away.

“We have a schedule,” Wen Qing is saying. “We have appointments for people who aren’t actively bleeding. What’s so urgent that you’re ignoring all that?”

Wei Ying pouts, which clearly only makes Wen Qing more annoyed. “His spiritual power’s been damaged,” he says. “I thought you’d be interested.”

She manages to stare down her nose at him, despite the difference in their heights. She looks Lan Wangji up and down. He bows. 

“I apologize for the imposition.”

“It’s not your fault,” she says, shooting another glare at Wei Ying. Then she sighs. “I’ll meet you inside in a moment.”

Wei Ying grins, and bows, and drags Lan Wangji up the building’s steps. Wen Qing’s workspace is simply decorated and smells of incense, with only the faintest whiffs of the courtyard’s activities seeping through. The room is lined with bookshelves and divided cleanly into a study space, complete with three long desks, and an examination area, screened off from general view. Wei Ying guides him to the private side of a standing screen painted with willow trees and urges him to sit.

“Someone will bring tea soon,” he says, settling on a nearby cushion. “Not like your last visit. We can actually afford guests now. Wen Qing’s medicines are a much better source of income than radishes.” 

Almost anything would be, Lan Wangji is certain. It had been—unpleasant, to realize the depths of Wei Ying’s poverty at that time. Sleeping in a cave that smelled of death without even the cheapest of teas to ward off the damp chill. 

He wonders, again, what might have happened if he had stayed at Wei Ying’s side after that visit. If he had not let himself be convinced that his presence was only one more burden on people already carrying too much weight; if he had known his own mind well enough, then, to stand and lend open support before disaster fell on all their heads once more. How much difference might those months have made? Would his brother have understood? What would his clan have done then, if he had acted before all hope was lost? 

Such speculation can only lead to further unhappiness. He is about to ask if Yiling-Wei also collects payment for nighthunts, as most Sects do, or sells talismans, when a young apprentice arrives with tea. Wen Qing is only a few steps behind her. Her attention lands on Wei Ying again.

“Don’t you have better things to do than bother my patients?”

“I want him here,” Lan Wangji says before Wei Ying can respond. Perhaps the interjection will be taken as rudeness, but Wei Ying can explain the curse much better than Lan Wangji himself would. No other reason for desiring Wei Ying’s presence must be stated. 

Wen Qing sighs in the face of Wei Ying’s too-innocent smile, but does not comment further.

“I am Wen Qing,” she says after the tea has been served and the apprentice dismissed. “As Wei-zongzhu has likely already told you, since he can’t be bothered to make proper introductions.”

“I ...” Lan Wangji hesitates, pressing his lips tight together. “We have met before,” he clarifies. “I am Lan Wangji.”

Wen Qing hardly even blinks at him; her gaze shifts immediately to Wei Ying.

“It’s true.” Wei Ying looks earnest and sincere. He pulls the array drawing from a qiankun pouch. “He knows things only Lan Zhan would know. The original owner of that body was called Liang Feihong, but he gave it up.”

“You’re certain?” Wen Qing asks, her stare unwavering.

“Completely.” Wei Ying assures her. He does not mention the soul bond.

“Hm.” Wen Qing studies the array. “This is unfinished,” she observes, tapping the paper.

“But you can see the shape.” Wei Ying leans into her space, against her shoulder, tracing over the drawing, as if they do this often. Perhaps they do. There are probably many ways arrays and talismans can be used to promote healing. Lan Wangji makes himself drink more tea; it is fresh and green and light on his tongue. 

“Exchange,” Wei Ying is saying. “One soul spent to make room for another, in return for service. In this case, revenge. It’s designed for a vengeful spirit, but Liang Feihong called Hanguang-jun instead.”

Wen Qing stares down at the paper. “You’ve never mentioned this ritual before,” she says after a long moment of silence.

Wei Ying shrugs. “It’s ancient. I found it when I was working on Wen Ning, but it usually fails. I haven't thought about it in—” his eyes flicker over Lan Wangji’s face, “—years.”

Wen Qing stares hard at him. “You said you were going night hunting.”

“I was, I did,” Wei Ying stares back, unblinking, and Lan Wangji is no longer sure he’s following the conversation. “It was only a night hunt,” Wei Ying insists. “Lan Zhan found us last night. He walked for three days.”

Still, Wen Qing watches him.

“Is there a problem?” Lan Wangji asks. 

“No.” Wen Qing returns her attention to him. “Tell me how your spiritual power was damaged.” She holds out her left hand for his wrist. Her hand is cool on his skin.

He looks to Wei Ying as her fingers find his pulse, but Wei Ying just nods at him, apparently unworried by the tension that has filled the room, that can still be seen in the stern lines of Wen Qing’s posture. He does his best to answer the question despite the feeling that he’s missed something important.

“I believe it was a talisman. There is also a curse mark, from the ritual.”

Wei Ying produces the talisman and sets it beside the drawing of the array, But Wen Qing is frowning at Lan Wangji’s wrist. 

“Tell me about the curse’s effects.” She shakes her head to forestall Wei Ying’s words. “The effects you have experienced,” she clarifies, to Lan Wangji. 

“It drains spiritual power.” That much he knows to be entirely true. “I believe my physical weakness is due to imprisonment and inconsistent training.” Liang Feihong left the Lan Sect nearly fifteen years ago, after all. 

Wen Qing drops his wrist, her fingers moving to his middle dantian and then to his face. She turns his head gently, and then drops her hands to her lap and studies the talisman.

“It’s not only the curse,” she says after a moment. “Your core’s been damaged. Not by this,” she gestures at the talisman. “This can only produce temporary effects. Something else.”

Wei Ying leans forward, suddenly intent. “Damaged? Not—”

“Not destroyed,” Wen Qing shakes her head. “But it will take time and effort to restore it, and the curse will complicate the process. It will be difficult to re-establish the proper energy flow.” 

“But it can be done,” Wei Ying presses, concern clear on his face. Wen Qing nods.

Lan Wangji says nothing. He has known, since his first investigations on the first day of this new life, that if this body had ever formed a golden core it wasn’t functioning properly. A damaged core is a better prospect than no core at all, but he again feels like there is some piece of information he’s missing, carried in the weight of Wei Ying’s concern and the careful calm of Wen Qing’s words.

“I will prepare medicines and teas to aid the process,” Wen Qing continues. “And I would like to conduct a more thorough examination, if you’re willing.”

Lan Wangji nods. He has no reason to refuse, and could gain much from her expertise. 

The examination lasts over an hour, through to a light lunch and then after, and involves more needles, talismans and salves than Lan Wangji has ever before experienced in such close succession. Wen Qing inspects the wounds in his palm as well as the curse mark itself, and produces new ointments and bandages for each, and another of Wei Ying’s talismans for the curse mark, before moving on to other, more obscure avenues of investigation. Wei Ying stays for all of it, sometimes talking out theories and suggestions from the other side of the privacy screen, sometimes scribbling notes at Wen Qing’s desk. 

“The curse’s caster is dead,” he says, waggling an ink-wet brush between his fingers, “but could the curse be transferred?”

“No.” Wen Qing doesn’t even open her eyes to answer. The spiritual power she feeds into Lan Wangji’s wrist, apparently meant to help her better map the damage to his core, never wavers.

Wei Ying frowns. “Most curses—”

Wen Qing frowns, too, a furrow appearing between her brows. “This links to soul as well as body and spirit. Even if it could be transferred, I wouldn’t help you do it.”

“Not even if it was transferred to the curse’s target?” Wei Wuxian asks.

“Not even then,” Wen Qing says. She sighs and releases Lan Wangji’s wrist. “I need to see to my apprentices, and I have another patient soon.” She meets Lan Wangji’s eyes. “Come back in the morning. I should have more for you then.”

He nods.

“Don’t stress him in the meantime,” she adds, pinning Wei Ying in place with a look. 

“Of course, of course,” Wei Ying assures her as he rises to his feet and stretches theatrically. “Only the best of hospitality for Lan Zhan,” he adds, a smile spreading over his face.

Wen Qing shakes her head, and waves them out the door. Wei Ying continues his tour of the Yiling-Wei grounds, leading Lan Wangji on a winding path past dormitories, and kitchens, and a less martial training hall—“for talisman work and spirit lure flags,” Wei Ying says, “It’s no Lan seminar but we do classes for outsiders sometimes.”

Yiling-Wei is a smaller sect than Gusu-Lan, both in land area and in population, but the grounds are still busy. Lan Wangji cannot help but notice the eyes on them at each new turn. It’s only reasonable; he is a stranger, walking with the Sect Leader, after a night hunt that lasted several days. Wei Ying has not so much as read a letter or spoken with anyone but himself and Wen Qing since they arrived. Lan Wangji has seen his brother’s work, and his uncle’s. This attention cannot last forever. Should not.

“I am keeping you from your duties,” he says as they stand at the edge of an archery range and watch Wen Sizhui and Liu Weixin loose arrow after arrow under Wen Qionglin’s expert tutelage.

“Hm?” Wei Ying seems distracted. Unfocused.

Lan Wangji curls his fingers in his sleeves. He has been selfish enough, taken enough of Wei Ying’s time—nearly a day of it. Wei Ying has more responsibilities now. He cannot spend so much effort on a single visitor. 

“Do not let me take your attention away from important matters,” he says. 

“What?” For a moment Wei Ying looks as if he will protest, but then he glances away, back to the archery field. His expression smooths to neutrality.

“Right,” he agrees. “I should—show you the library, at least. I know we have a few texts you might find useful.”

The library turns out to be a small pavilion lined with shelves and desks, much like Cloud Recesses’ in design but clearly smaller and holding a less extensive collection of books. The texts Wei Ying means are tucked on a high shelf behind a finely-carved screen, and their contents largely concern either curses or talismans. 

“Wen Qing has more on core formation in her study,” Wei Ying says as he sets his half of the stack on a small, almost-secluded table near a window. The charmed covers of the remaining books tingle against Lan Wangji’s uninjured palm. “Not that you need much help there.”

If what Lan Wangji understood from Wen Qing’s examination is true, repairing his core will be a very different process from forming one new, but he does not correct Wei Ying. 

“Is there anything else you need?” Wei Ying asks, as a good host should. “I’ll ask the kids in the practice yard to try and keep their voices down, I know it’s louder here than Cloud Recesses...”

“It will be fine,” Lan Wangji assures him. 

“I’ll—see you at dinner then,” Wei Ying says, and bows, more formal than the situation demands. Lan Wangji returns the gesture, books still in-hand, and tells himself Wei Ying will not vanish to smoke and mist as soon as he leaves Lan Wangji’s sight. That he will be easy to find again, here in his home, among friends. That Lan Wangji has no right to demand even more of him.

Wei Ying hesitates another moment, then leaves. Lan Wangji watches him go and thinks again of that flush on the back of his neck. On his cheeks. Wei Ying hadn’t blushed when he hid pornography in Lan Wanji’s books at sixteen, or when he held Lan Wangji’s forehead ribbon in his hand at seventeen, or when he threatened to take off his clothes in the Xuanwu’s cave. 

It’s difficult to imagine that a simple statement, alone, could make him flush after so many years. But it did.

Lan Wangji sits at his appointed desk and opens the first text with careful fingers, and does his best to block out everything but the words on the page before him. The readings are, indeed, informative, and several of them document Wei Ying’s own studies into curse formation and removal; there is an entire treatise on the hundred-holes curse alone, though it is almost entirely theoretical. The curse is too rare, Wei Ying notes, and too costly for both victim and caster, for frequent or multiple experiments. Such is likely also true for the curse Lan Wangji himself bears, but the texts at least reassure him that following Wei Ying was the correct choice for more reasons than the pull of his heart.

It’s Zhou Xiuying who summons him to dinner, guiding him to a seat at Wen Qing’s table before joining her wife on the other side of a loud and crowded communal dining room. The dishes set before him are heavy with lotus root and mushrooms alongside roasted pork, and, he notes, heavily spiced. Wei Ying does not arrive at the evening meal until Wen Qionglin leaves to fetch him, and he settles down at the crowded table with a sigh, slipping onto the cushion next to Wen Sizhui and across from Lan Wangji. 

“Why aren’t you all eating already,” he asks, as if it is not obvious they were waiting for him. 

“You’re late,” Wen Qing informs him, adding fried lotus and mushrooms to his bowl even as he serves himself meat and soup stained red with chilies.

“Wei-zongzhu should eat on time,” Wen Qionglin asserts. There is no bowl before him, though he holds a pair of chopsticks. A fierce corpse does not need to eat. He adds lotus to Wen Sizhui’s bowl, and then Wen Qing adds stir-fried greens and then Wei Ying adds pork, proclaiming that the boy needs regular meals far more than he does, and a sudden pang strikes deep into Lan Wangji’s chest. 

He serves himself from the milder-looking dishes. It’s pointless to be jealous of Wen Qing and Wen Qionglin’s places at Wei Ying’s side, and in his heart. Of the easy, well-trod patterns and open affection Wei Ying gives them. It’s pointless, but that knowledge doesn’t stop the sour swell of frustration and ill-feeling within him. 

He pushes the feeling away. He is a guest. They are being much kinder than simple hospitality requires. He eats in silence—the food is not unpalatable, as he feared, and he cannot tell if it is due to the actual flavor or if Liang Feihong was more used to such things—and he listens in silence as Wei Ying talks and laughs, lit up the way he used to be, before the Sunshot War. Several times, that beaming smile is turned on him, paired with questions about the food, or his reading, and offers of new dishes tomorrow, despite his protests that he needs no such special treatment. But still, Wei Ying is guarded with him in a way he is not with the rest of the table. It is strange to hear ‘Liang-gongzi’ fall from his lips again, instead of Lan Wangji’s name.

Eventually, he retires to his guest quarters. It’s only then, as he prepares to sleep in an unfamiliar room decorated with red and black instead of white and blue, that he realizes the knot of feeling in his chest is not the same emotion he thought it was. Or not entirely.

It has been more than three months since he shared a meal with his brother, or a conversation with his uncle, and before that he was holding his blade against them. The thought that he doesn’t even know whether his uncle is alive—that he might never speak to him again—hits him like an arrow, a flash of remembered pain from wounds he no longer bears. In its wake, the knowledge: If he cannot find answers, or stabilize the curse, he may never speak with his brother again either.

For a timeless moment he is hollow and grasping white-knuckled at his robes, his ears ringing and his breath caught in this throat. But he has already made this choice. He chose Wei Ying. If this is the consequence he must bear, so be it. 

Slowly, the faint sounds of the night outside his room penetrate his senses once more, and he calms. 

Rest. Meditation. His body and spirit need both. In the morning he will resume his training, and meet with Wen Qing, and confront the problem of Jin Guangyao’s crimes with clear vision.

(on to part 9)