#stop murdering me i see how u all pick on it in my dms in the tags and in your replies 😭

[woozi]

following me is like ‘hmmm,.. i wonder who her bias is today <3′

[frecklef0x]

Mass Effect 1: Playthrough Masterpost

At last, I have finished Mass Effect 1!

I have heard some mutuals say they wish they could play it again for the first time, and you kind of can--through me! I’ve been posting little “episodes” of live-tweet-stream-of-consciousness as I play, and now I’ve compiled them into one post to make my life easier.

Anyway, here’s the first one, the rest are under the cut. :)

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode one

My ass looks great in this uniform, first of all

Impaled robo zombies, yikes

Cheap shot, Saren, smh. How will I pass my spectre test now?!

Why does he have robot eyes? Is he like, Geth-Turian? Why? Is he a robo zombie also? Was it the beacon???

Cool beacon nightmares, I'm sure this is fine

This Kaiden guy has implants? ORTEGA?!??!?

"Call me princess again and you'll be picking your teeth up off the floor" lol obliterated

The citadel elevators are very realistic, five minutes of tense silence huh

Ya girl got a PROMOTION and a DOPE SQUAD time to catch a TRAITOR

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode two

First things first, gotta go find the blue scientist to join the gang

This galaxy is HUGE! How many of these places will I actually be able to go?!

Only two friends at a time????? D:

Ah, a distress signal, let's see wha--A DESERT CENTIPEDE NOPE ABORT ABORT

Robo aliens? In MY Theronian mining facility? Its more likely than you think

Running over dudes in my Mako is extremely satisfying tbh

*runs over geth troopers* *runs over geth armature* *runs over geth colossus* ... *backs over geth colossus*

Working elevators in the ancient ruins ✔

Oooooooh man hope this nerd is gay

Wrex, a friend of yours? Nope, not a friend, too murdery

"ShAaaAame about the ruins Shep, sOooOo much collatoral damage, SHEP" stfu Council, "ruthless" was in the resume when you promoted us, 10/10 would shoot lasers through archeological digs again

When Kaiden calls us "ma'am" I am, uh, into it

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode three

Time to talk to the gang! Gotta meet the fam proper

Oh dear seems we got a shmee of racism on board, compatriots

Wow Raina, good foot-in-mouth moment with Wrex there huh...sorry about the eventual extinction of your race, lost this round of Pain Olympics

OH SHIT OH SHIT BLUE HOTTIE BIGENDER? THIS IS NOT A DRILL???

“hi I’m Kaiden wanna hear about my last crush ;)” “hi I’m Liara wanna hear about Asari mating rituals? ;)))” damn we really slidin right into the DMs no chill

Garrus: fuck rules and red tape amiright Raina: oh u right ;)

Guess I’ll actually do a mission now LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

Honestly rolling out with Tali and Liara is a mood, squad goals

Raina @ every corporation on Noveria: I would sell you to satan for one(1) corn chip

This reactivation puzzle is some shit

I see some Mistakes were made

We already killing moms at this stage damn BioWare

FUCK FUCK BENEZIA KILLED ME AND I LOST A FUCKTON OF PLAYTIME

THERES LIKE NO AUTOSAVE IN THIS BITCH FUUUUUUUUU

fuck fuck fuck god damn it gotta shoot a bunch of deranged baby bug people again god DAMN IT

Okay we killed Liara’s mom in front of her hope that’s fine

And we let mama bug go free because after talking to Wrex, Raina’s like “this galaxy is a little trigger happy with the genocide, good luck out there bug mama ❤️ be cool please”

I have literally watched the scientist in the hot labs get killed three times now

So far the debreifs with the council have not gone very well

“You let bug mama go?! How many generations until they take over everything???” “My money’s on two :D Place your bets now assholes or stfu :DDD”

Asked Liara if she was okay and she seems pretty Cool With It

I hope to one day return to Noveria and Death Star it into oblivion

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode four

Talked with Tali and this situation with the Geth and the Quarians is giving me an existential crisis

You “inspect” my beautiful ship? You got somethin’ to say about my crew??? Talk shit get hit, bitch I will kill you

Yoooo my old earth gang, yeah what the hell, I’ll help ou—oh nope nvm he’s a xenophobe, you hang him and I’ll shoot his friend in the face, thx for your time

Went to the citadel to finish some assignments, left tasked with twice as many

“dOn’T cUt CoRneRs” fear not dear Kaiden, I have a permit: this piece of paper that says I do what I want

Still with the elevators, I really cannot with this

“You make it all sound so...dangerous...” ;) ;))))))

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode five

Headin’ to Virmire to rendezvous with the Salarian team

A cure for the genophase?!?!?! :D

Oh wait oh no are we for real gonna talk about destroying the cure like Wrex isn’t standing right here omg

SHIT GUYS NO NOT LIKE THIS WREX PLEASE

Phew for a conversation that basically started with guns drawn, it went pretty well... “What Saren has isn’t even a proper cure, he’s just fucking with the Krogans at this point. Are we gonna stand for that? Or are we gonna murder?” “Damn Shep, you right, we gon’ murder”

Okay Ashley, go join the aliens, try not to die

Shadow Team!🎵 tearing through the base 🎶 disabling all the     defenses 🎵 (you gotta sing it to the tune of the Trogdor song)

We free the prisoners!!! :)

We shoot the prisoners??? :(

“Raina? How can you shoot them where they stand?” So it’s more merciful to let them explode? NAH FAM

This scientist is responsible for the mind control stuff? For Benezia? Fine     I’ll let her go but I hope she explodes

We did not learn our lesson concerning beacons I see

Wait if even Saren is worried about his mind control ship does that mean there are larger forces involved here?

Oh. Oh fuck

Ugh Ashley I EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU NOT TO DIE

(so we really never found any info about that genophase cure huh? disappointing)

Oh Seren, you dumb dumb. You absolute fool. Clown man.

When Raina slings Kaiden over her shoulder to carry him to the ship—mmmmmmmmwoooow I am very bisexual

Bruh Raina takes every council call and she disconnects pissed off every time

WAIT I literally just hung up with the council, ASHLEY is DEAD, and Kaiden needs a DTR RIGHT NOW?!?!? Boy, NO, READ THE ROOM

This has been a stressful day

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode six

Shepard will avoid her feelings and go to Faros instead

Seeing Ashley’s figure greyed out and her locker inaccessible makes me sad

Wrex and Garrus, let’s go shoot some geth 💪 

A mind controlling planet—of course!

Shep gets all her renegade points shooting capitalists

Saved, uh, about half the colonists

If I have one more bad acid trip I stg

Oh nope here’s another one

Shep needs a nap

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode seven

Ah, the council. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

At least Liara is good at pep talks ;)

Joker, you cockblock

Haha DUDE we airborne, you THOUGHT

Now that I am exiled from the Citadel, guess I’ll run some galactic errands:

o   Killed corporate scientists who though we would rescue them lol

o   Destroyed a bunch of geth camps helping Tali on her pilgrimage

o   Disabled a nuke and killed some pirates

o   Shut down some evil Cerberus experiments

o   And illegally traded information!

Okay time to get back on track

So we may or may not be flying to our doom

OH GOD LIARA LOVES ME!!! RAINA, YOU DISASTER, YOU DID IT AAAAAH ❤️❤️❤️

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode eight

You know what I love? Being murdered by geth armatures

All these Ilos ruins be looking the same

Security panel is only kinda helpful

Oh, luckily I know Prothean now!

“CANNOT BE STOPPED” wow very encouraging, thanks

After that super motivating message and disabling security, its time to go down, down to goblin town

Vigil? Oh word?

My girlfriend is GEEKING out

I knew something what wrong with that fucking Citadel

Vigil: information is power. Also Vigil: What does it matter why they do what they do? All that matters is you stop them

“non-essential” personnel die first, huh? GROSS, VIGIL (gotta be honest that hits different in 2020)

Garrus gets it, I knew we liked that guy

Okay, find conduit, save galaxy, break millennium-old genocide cyle, nbd

Ugh Mako you gotta do me dirty one last time I see, I hate this thing

THE CONDUIT STRAIGHT YEETED MAKO

The citadel robot says we’re doomed : )

This shootout is SO fun, seriously

Saren get it toGETHER

Renegade Raina can kill with a conversation apparently, well done then

Concentrate on the Sovereign—why am I gonna save a council that hates my guts, sorry, but I have a JOB to DO that you ACTIVELY HINDERED

Great, zombie husk Saren, just what I needed as I mull over the possible consequences of my galaxy-altering decision

GO JOKER GO

Humanity-only council seems…questionable. Raina didn’t love the council but this sits wrong. Couldn’t we just appoint a more diverse council, including a human?

Anderson seems like a good enough dude, so…we’ll see.

TIME FOR WAR BOYS, GODDAMN WHAT A GAME

[fekst-fucker]

Uh Jeff, Ben, Masky, hoodie, Ej, habit, and Jason with a s/o who has insecurities and kinda doubts if they love them-

If I catch u being insecure… come into the dms for a pick me up, I love you guys 💖🔫👀

Jeff

- He’s so offended lmfao

- He keeps going on about how “I, a total babe, would not choose just anyone to date and love wholeheartedly. You must be equally, if not more sexy- check- and I must be madly in love with you. Also check. What the fuck am I missing”

- He’s kinda aggressive about it, but in a very supporting and endearing way. Think the “I love you, bitch!! I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, bitch!!” vine

- But in all seriousness, he does stuff to convince you he loves you. Brings you little teddy bears, non-stop cuddles, tries to make you cookies or something sweet. Emphasis on tries

Ben

- He literally doesn’t understand where any of this is coming from

- Not in a bad way! He’s just not a very insecure person, so he doesn’t really get people being insecure about… anything

- He sits you down and lists the facts very bluntly. You are very pretty. I am in love with you. You make me laugh. I like giving you hugs because your body feels nice in my arms. Why do you think I don’t love you

- It’s kind of ridiculous, and you end up laughing in the end, with him giving you lots of kisses all over your fave and promising not to let you get insecure again

Masky

- He can tell something has been wrong recently, but he doesn’t really know what it is

- He’s definitely one to take initiative and sit you down to talk about it- he likes sitting on the mansion’s wrap around porch with a hot cup of coffee and you curled underneath his arm

- It’s much easier to open up, for some reason. With nobody else listening, the hot coffee or cocoa, and the cold air, it just feels like a camping weekend getaway

- He’s good at opening up to you about any insecurities he has, too. You’re both human, and this is a time to really connect and realize that even with fears or insecurities, you’re there for each other

Hoodie

- He can see why this could happen, especially since he doesn’t talk much and never really takes his mask off. He still feels soul-crushing guilt about it, through

- He has one thing he knows he can show you- a photo album, full of pictures of you, some of them with you and him together. He really didn’t want you to see it, since he took some photos without you knowing, but it’s the most genuine thing he could think to show you

- Is it a little scary? Maybe. Is it really cute that he somehow got markers and stickers and put them all around pictures of you like a little scrapbook? Yes

- Even after you laugh and thank him, he excitedly sits you down in his lap and points out all his favorite things about you in each picture. You can’t help but feel better by the end of it

EJ

- Hm. He is. You’re gonna have to sit down with him and tell him what you’re feeling

- He’s not super great with distinguishing emotions. He can smell something is wrong, but he can’t quite tell what. He doesn’t like bothering you, he trusts you to come to him if you need help

- When you finally do, and tell him you’re a little worried that he might not really love you, he’s like “me??? Not really love YOU?? I was afraid YOU might not like ME!”

- This devolves into a very long heart-to-heart, with you cuddled in his arms and his chin resting on your head. He likes having these talks with you, it clears the air and to you both feel very relieved afterwards

Habit

- He’s a lot like Jeff, with his “I am a powerful ass demon, and you think I’m just gonna settle? Nah, fuck that, I’m with you because you are perfect, because you designed for me, because I love you, yadda yadda”

- Sir, I am a human person, not a kitchen display you saw at Lowe’s

- He’s really good at making you feel better in a pinch. You don’t know what it is, just something about the way he looks you up and down with a little grin and says “still look good to me” just makes you swoon every time

- Even if he’s busy during the day, he makes the time to casually tell you how much he genuinely appreciates you. He has to do it causally, bc being upfront about it might mean losing his coolness 🙄

Jason

- He’s also very confused. His whole thing is that he’s possessive and jealous and protective of you

- When you bring this up to him as he’s drinking his morning tea or coffee, he gives you a quizzical look and says “darling, I’ve murdered the last three men who have looked at you. What do you mean, you don’t really know if I like you?”

- Jason does know one thing that can make most people feel better, and that is- shopping spree! Or making you a fun new piece. Whenever you’re feeling a little down or insecure he always, without fail, is like “let’s go find you something you’ll feel hot as fuck in”

- He’s also very found of hand-written love letters, with the wax seal and little decorative flower and all. It’s so extra, but the effort and love that went into it really helped to reassure you

[ranboounlabeled]

Incorrect Quotes

So I had the bright idea one day to make incorrect quotes based on a DnD campaign and the players. Why not post them here? If any of them find this and request this to be deleted, I won’t mind. Blu - DM, any other character you don’t see listed here Tuck - Alzora Autumn/Me - Aria Maria - Yeet Bard - Tad Whipple - Niyana ~ Aria at 3AM: Alzora wake up Alzora, annoyed: What is it? Aria: If butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans/mobians in their stomach? Alzora: The rest of Team Supernova: Niyana: aria what the fuck Yeet: No no, wait. She has a point. Yeet: What if they’re mobian butterflies? Snipe: What if they just feel really tiny butterflies in their stomachs? Niyana: That’s morbid. ~ Aria: is pink panther a lion Alzora: say that again but slower Aria: i don't get it? Alzora: he's the pink PANTHER Aria: okay? but is he a lion? Alzora: Aria. he's a panther Aria: is that a kind of lion??? Alzora: no it's a fucking panther Aria: I just googled it. Are they not pink?  Alzora: AND LIONS ARE??? ~ Yeet: *gets shot* Shit. Alzora: Language! ~ Niyana: Is 4 alot? Aria/Alzora: Depends on the context. Aria/Alzora: Money? No. Aria/Alzora: Murders? Yes. ~ Yeet: Just a reminder that I'm non-binary so if you've got a crush on me, u gay bro ~

Alzora: if one of you says that stupid thing again I will not hesitate to give you frost bite Aria: aw that's so sad alexa play despacito Alzora: starting with you Alt idea from our DM (context, Alzora is an ice dragon and I compare her to Elsa alot): Aria: thats so sad, alexa play Let it Go. Alzora: you will die in 3 days ~ Niyana: THE FLOOR IS LAVA Yeet: *helps Snipe onto a chair* Alzora: *throws Aria off the table* revenge Niyana: There are two types of people ~ Alzora: If anyone says ‘mood’ ‘same’ or 'me’ in response to something I say ever again, I will throw you out the nearest window Yeet: Mood Aria: Same Niyana: Me Alzora calling tad: hello? Tad can you come here quickly? Tad: why what happened? Alzora: well lets just say there’s a gun in my hand, 3 dead bodies on the floor, blood on the walls floor and ceiling, and police on the way Tad: Tad: what Tad: The police are going to be there? Yeah, you're on your own ~ Aria: Mobius is a hot, molten core with a solid crust. Therefore, its a ravioli Alzora: Please stop Yeet, taking notes: No no let her finish ~ Aria: Comparing me and Alzora is like comparing apples to oranges. Aria: I mean, I like apples, and I really don't like oranges. Aria: Oranges are annoying. ~ nesta: fuck your cake! aria: 

~ Niyana: I’ve been working on my evil laugh! ‘Cause everybody’s got an evil laugh, you know, like... Ha ha ha ha HA! Like that. Alzora: Okay, here’s the thing. You’re not ready... for the evil laugh, okay, you can do a chuckle? Like a mildly upset chuckle? After MY evil laugh. ~ Snipe: You're smiling. Did something good happen? Aria: Can't I smile just because I feel like it? Niyana: Alzora tripped and fell down the stairs. ~ Yeet: So, why is Aria mad at you? Alzora: They sneezed and I accidentally said "shut the fuck up" instead of "bless you". Yeet: Alzora: Yeet: How do you accidentally say "shut the fuck up"?! ~ Alzora: Anyone who says 'uwu' or 'owo' again is being arrested for crimes against humanity! Aria: Cwimes against huwumanity. Alzora: I'm going to break your fingers. ~ Yeet, while crying: LOVE IS DEAD AND NEVER EXISTED! ALL YOU DID WAS BETRAY ME AS I LAY SICK AND FESTERING! YOU ARE THE DEFINITION OF DREAD! Snipe: Are you ok???  Yeet, crying even more: NIYANA STOLE MY FUCKIGN WEAPONS! [This breakdown is immediately followed by Yeet trying to beat the shit out of a 15 year-old] ~ Alzora: Good Morning!   Aria: Good Morning everyone Snipe: Good Morning. [ half of everyone else says their good mornings] Yeet: My god you all sound like robots! “good morning” this “good morning” that. Yeet: Spice it up!!! Niyana: HEY MOTHERFUCKERS ~ Alzora: *falls*  Alzora: Alzora: I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies. ~ Aria: Tall people are the enemy! Alzora: I'm sorry, I can't hear you from up here. Aria: I will tie your fucking shoelaces together and you won't even know it! ~ Niyana: But rules were made to be broken! Tad: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. Nesta: Uh, pinatas. Alzora: Glow sticks. Yeet: Karate boards. Aria: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. Niyana: And rules! Snipe: Don’t forget bones. Yeet: Ye-Wait no- ~ Aria: Onion rings are just vegetable doughnuts. Alzora, used to Aria: Sure they are, Aria. Aria: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Alzora: Okay. Aria: Lasagna is just spaghetti-flavored cake. Alzora: … Aria, oblivious: Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions. Alzora, crying: Aria, please stop. Yeet, fascinated: No, continue. ~ Yeet: Hey, Snipe, what are you doing here? Snipe: This is where I come to cry. Yeet: What. Snipe: I said this is where I come to be a cool guy. ~ [loud crashing comes from Team Supernova's room, Tad runs in to find the room completely trashed] Tad: What happened in here!? [The rest of the Team are on an elevated surface]  Aria, on top of the bookshelf, shaking: We saw a spider... ~ Yeet: Isn’t it amazing what friends learn from each other? Aria: I learn a lot from Phin because he makes so many mistakes. ~ Aria: AVJDJAHDHSHS Tad: what is that? Aria: a keyboard smash Tad: how do I do it? Aria: just press anything Tad: 7 ~ Alzora: Bitch. Aria: Blocked. Alzora: Wait, unblock me, I need to tell you something. Aria: Unblocked. Alzora: Bitch. ~ Alzora: Don’t say a word. Aria: Aria: Fergalicious. Alzora: I said no words. Aria: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word. Now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you. ~ Aria: Olli? Why are you outside? It's pouring! Olli, drenched: The aesthetic, Miss Aria. Aria: Olli, please. Olli: ThE aEsThEtIc, MiSs ArIa! ~ Niyana: There’s no “i” in happyness. Aria: There is if you fuckin’ spell it right. ~ Niyana: Do you care if I take the skin off the Furby? Niyana: I want to make him a God. Once he is free of his sinful flesh he can begin the path towards enlightenment. He will take care of Us. Niyana: Also I want to softhack his circuits. Yeet: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that sentence ever again. Tad, not looking up from his sketch book: I could design some long furby designs if you need me to. ~ Stella: I have a mafia! Yeet: We have a Niyana. ~ Yeet: Bro. Snipe: What bro? Yeet: Tell the whole world we’re bros. Snipe: *whispers* We’re bros. Yeet: Why’d you whisper bro? Snipe: Because you’re my whole world bro. Yeet: B R O. ~ Yeet: Your house is burning down! You can only save one thing. What do you save? Aria: My house?? ~ Aria: Yeet, do you ever want to talk about your emotions? Yeet: No. Alzora: I do. Aria: I know, Alzora. Alzora: I’m sad. Aria: I know, Alzora. ~ Stella: *looking around in closet* What should I change into? Snipe: A better person. ~ Whatever characters Yeet writes into fanfiction: *hugging and vibing* Yeet: Who would ever want to harm such a loving relationship? Yeet, brandishing a pen: I WOOOOULD! ~ Yeet: Chillax~ Alzora: That’s not a word. Yeet: Sometimes the ones who deny “chillax” are the ones who need to chillax the most. ~ Aria: 13 year old me would be both terrified and in awe at who I am now. Niyana: 13 year old me wouldn't think I'd get this far. Yeet: I would fight a 13 year old me. ~ Snipe: Yeet came into my room in the middle of the night, I pretended to be asleep, and they stroked my hair for a minute then left. Are they planning to kill me??? Aria: No they just care about you, idiot. ~ Yeet: Well, I guess you could say I’ve fallen for you. Snipe: You just fell down seven flights of stairs, how are you even alive? ~ Yeet: I wish I could block people in real life. Alzora: A restraining order. Niyana: Murder. ~ Alzora: What the frick is wrong with you? Snipe: Please be more specific and resubmit with the proper paperwork. ~ [on a city bus] Stranger: Are you traveling for business or pleasure? Alzora, in full armor: Combat. ~ Aria: Who ate my fries? Yeet? Yeet: I don’t like fries. Aria: Snipe? Snipe: I don’t need food. Aria: Niyana? Niyana: …It was Alzora. Alzora: Yeah it was. Aria: wh ~ Alzora: They are completely literal people. Metaphors go over their heads. Yeet: Nothing goes over my head... my reflexes are too fast! I would catch it. ~ Yeet: Live by the ass, die by the ass. Tad: S t o p ~ Niyana: Is there a word that is a mix between sad and mad? Tad: Malcontented, disgruntled, miserable, desolate. Yeet: Smad. ~ Tad: If someone is trying to rob a civilian, what is the correct course of action? Yeet: T-pose to assert dominance Tad: No. Niyana: Say "Thank you Chaos, for this meal I'm about to have" and then- Tad, interrupting: even worse Yeet, taking notes: Wait, let her finish ~ Aria: Hey Alzora, do you think Snipe feels regret? Because i just saw him choke down one of Tad’s pancakes in half a second. Alzora: Snipe has only one emotion and that’s hubris. ~ Yeet: *peeling a banana* May I take your jacket lol Snipe: Do you think other people can't hear you? ~ Aria: You have to pick your battles, Alzora. Alzora: I’m full of rage and I’m picking all of them. ~ Nesta, T-posing in the hallway: Good morning, parental figure. Tad, not looking up from his coffee: Hello, problem child. ~ Yeet, throwing his head in Snipe’s lap: Tell me I’m pretty. Snipe, lovingly stroking their hair: You’re pretty fucking annoying, that’s what you are. ~ Yeet, hoarsely: I think I'm losing my voice. Niyana: Ha! That means you can't yell at me anymore! [later that day]  Niyana: Turns out, Yeet is scarier when they’re quiet. ~ Snipe: WE'RE SINKING IN DEEP WATER. Yeet: Don't worry. I learned this from a survival TV show. Yeet: OH TOOOOODLES-- ~ Niyana: Who else uses can openers to drink soft drinks? Yeet: This is extremely unhinged I must try it immediately. ~ Snipe: Boil up some mountain dew. It’s gonna be a long night. Aria: You could have said anything else. Yeet: fire burn and cauldron bubble, baja blast to fuel my trouble. ~ Aria: What do you want for dinner? Niyana: How about Sonic? Aria: *whispers* He's so fast how would we catch him-

[kickstillkickin]

Klance Month 2020 Day 3 - Thunderpike

"That was a close one," Block sighed, collapsing into a heap on the ground.

Shiro and Valayun nodded their agreement, both a little worse for wear but mostly alright. Meklavar, who needed to lean on their axe for support, glared at their remaining party member. "Maybe it wouldn't have been so close if someone had some self-control!"

Pike flinched, his tail lashing out in expression of his discomfort. "You know, I really feel like I'm being called out-"

"You are!" the dwarf screeched. "One mention of the words coin, crystal, or money, and you charge right in without thinking. I'm putting you in time-out."

Pike put his hands on his hips. "Yeah, okay, whatever. You're, like, two feet tall."

The elf and paladin exchanged a look of equal parts exasperation and exhaustion. Shiro stepped forward, putting himself between the arguing party members. "We should focus on finding supplies and a place to rest. Fighting with each other isn't going to get us anywhere."

"Fine," Pike and Meklavar muttered at the same time.

Block hoisted himself to his feet and dusted off his robes. "If memory serves, there's a village a little way's that direction," he pointed with his staff.

"Then we should go that direction," Valayun suggested. "I hope there's a market. I'm almost out of arrows.

The party began walking that direction. "No problemo if there isn't one. I'll just steal some supplies for everyone," Pike bragged.

"What a great way to make everyone in town hate us," Meklavar grumbled.

"Hey," Pike protested, appearing suddenly at the dwarf's side. "Name one time me stealing got us in trouble." The entire party started talking all at once, each bringing up a separate occasion on which his stealing had screwed them over. "Okay, I get it, I said name one time. Geez."

Shiro gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "We didn't mean it like that, Pike."

"Right," Valayun agreed. "We were merely joking around."

"Of course you guys were," Pike replied flatly, shoulders sagging. His ear twitched. Immediately, he snapped to attention and stopped walking. "Did you guys hear that?"

"What, the two seconds of sweet, peaceful silence before you opened your mouth again?" Meklavar shot back.

Pike growled his displeasure. Everyone else stopped walking and looked at him over their shoulders. "I'm serious. I just heard something."

"Probably just an animal," Shiro assured the party.

Block began biting at his fingernails, looking every which way in a panic. "Or a monster!"

"Or it's nothing," the dwarf insisted. "You hear things all the time. It's because you've got ears."

Pike gave up. "Fine. But if we get mugged, or maimed, or murdered-"

"Look out!" A new voice ordered.

A mysterious figure appeared out of the shadows, and it was running right for them. All any of them could make out was a slim build and a long braid, tossed around behind them. The five of them--except for Pike, who was obviously mesmerized by the mysterious stranger--cast their eyes about for signs of a threat. Just as they did, a pack of wild apes came charging at them from the surrounding trees.

Everyone drew their weapons, though Valayun complained about not having enough arrows. The apes weren't very powerful, but having a distracted party member did a lot to hurt their chances. The stranger felled a few beasts then, upon realizing that Pike was out of order at the moment, launched himself at the ape nearest the thief.

Another moment, and the party was once again safe. Before anyone else could open their mouths, however, Pike sidled right up to the stranger.

. . . . .

"I roll to seduce," Lance said immediately. Pidge clamped her hand down over his 20-sided die. "Do not." "You're not even DM-ing this campaign," he complained. "The young lad is correct," Coran agreed, fiddling with his mustache. "But I believe Pidge speaks for the party when she voices her concerns over your bard-like behavior, my boy." Lance gasped. "I'll have you know that Pike frequently employs flirtations as a means of-" "I roll to trip his sorry ass," Pidge interrupted.

. . . . .

Meklavar tripped the flirtatious thief before he could say anything stupid.

"Who are you?" Shiro asked, stepping in as party leader.

The stranger turned to face them. For the first time, everyone got a good look at him. It was a half-elf ranger with dark clothing, a drawn sword, and a sheathed dagger. Distrusting eyes studied the lot of them, flicking from one person to the next. Discerning threats. Picking apart weaknesses.

"I'm just passing through," he said mysteriously.

"Yeah, we gathered that," Pike huffed. "What's your name, genius?"

"And what are you doing in these woods by yourself?" Meklavar piped up.

Block nodded his agreement. "Yes, exactly what I was thinking. These woods are dangerous, man!"

"My animal companion has been taken from me," the stranger answered. "I heard rumors that the culprit is a wizard named Oklarth."

"What a coincidence," Valayun commented. "We're hunting down Oklarth as well!"

The stranger cocked an eyebrow. "Why are you after him?"

"A family heirloom was taken from my village," Meklavar explained. "Supposedly Oklarth has taken it."

"I have an idea! Why don't you come with us?" Block invited. "You know what they say, the more the merrier, right?"

"I've never worked with others before," he admitted, unsure.

Shiro offered a reassuring smile. "If you come with us, the chances of recovering your animal are a lot better than if you're by yourself."

"I suppose that's true." After another moment of deliberation, the mysterious stranger nodded. "I'll join you."

Pike sighed. "Finally, we've reached a consensus. Can we get your name now?"

"Thunderstorm Midnight," he introduced.

. . . . .

"Wait a minute, hold up," Lance sputtered. "U-turn. That's your name?"

Keith bristled. "Yes."

"Guys," Shiro chided. "You're getting side-tracked."

. . . . .

"Well, Thunderstorm," Pike said with some bite, "would you happen to know if there's a village nearby? We need to resupply before we take on... well, anybody."

The ranger nodded again. "There's a town just a few minutes' travel from here."

"Lead the way," Meklavar invited.

True to Thunderstorm's word, they arrived in a quaint little town within minutes. The party compared notes and decided to split up. Valayun and Shiro headed toward the market to replenish their weapons. Meklavar and Block went off in search of food, potions, and anything else interesting. Pike and Thunderstorm? Stuck together searching for information on Oklarth, seeing as Pike was a thief and Thunderstorm was incredibly intimidating.

"This is stupid," Pike complained, kicking at the dirt road. "Where are we even supposed to start looking for dirt on Oklarth?"

"Oklarth?" a passing townsperson asked. "That's the wizard that cursed my family."

The two of them exchanged a look, then turned their attention back to the ancient woman in front of them. "What else do you know about him?"

"Why, the rotten thing is holed up in that there mountain," she replied, pointing with a trembling, wrinkly finger. "Last I heard, his lair was at the very top of it."

The old woman waddled away, grumbling to herself. Pike shrugged. "That was easy."

"We should keep asking around and see if there's anything else to learn about him," Thunderstorm suggested.

"Pshh, no way," he scoffed. "He lives at the top of that mountain. Sounds like all the info there is to me."

Thunderstorm scowled. "What if it isn't? We could be walking into some kind of trap!"

"And that's why we have me," Pike said, pointing to himself. "To deactivate the traps."

The pair of them continued to bicker as they wandered through town. Eventually, they met up with the rest of the party. Pike relayed the bit of information they'd learned.

"That isn't very specific," Valayun commented.

Thunderstorm sent a pointed look in a certain assassin's direction. "Gee, I wish somebody had thought to gather more information."

"Oh, bite me," Pike shot back.

Shiro physically placed himself between the two of them. "Enough. We have no idea what's in that mountain. We should spend our energy coming up with a plan instead of arguing."

"I say let 'em argue," Meklavar muttered. "Maybe they'll annoy the enemy to death."

"Meklavar," Block scolded.

Valayun face-palmed. Shiro looked a little bit like he wished he'd just minded his own business the day he ran into a certain dwarf and cleric in that tavern. Meklavar seemed two seconds from a blown fuse and Block was the most distressed he'd ever been in his life. (And that was saying something). Thunderstorm and Pike? They were having a glaring contest. It was exactly like a staring contest, but twice as petty and half as productive.

Pike gave in first. "Fine. What's the plan, Shiro?"

"We can assume this will turn out a lot like our first opponent," he began.

"Pike messing up included?"

The thief scoffed. "Pike messing up not included. That was a one-time thing. It happened once. Uno. Just one time."

The entire party took a giant breath to contradict him, again, when Thunderstorm reappeared. No one had noticed him missing. "There's supposedly a secret passage that leads right to the heart of Oklarth's lair. It's protected by some kind of ancient riddle, but it's that or an entire mountain of monsters. Are any of you good with puzzles?"

All hands pointed toward Meklavar. The dwarf dusted off their gloved fingernails and studied them, though there was no way they could see them. "I've had my experience with them."

Thunderstorm wasn't in on the joke. "Right. That's what I asked."

"Well, how do we know your secret passage isn't a trap?" Pike questioned immediately.

"I thought you were here to deactivate the traps," Thunderstorm countered.

"Yeah, well, what if we run into Oklarth while we're looking for it?" he insisted. "Or it's even more heavily guarded than his dungeon?"

"I know a cloaking spell. If one of you could lend me a few things, I can muffle our footsteps," Thunderstorm said patiently. "Assuming you can keep your big mouth shut."

Pike's jaw fell open. "That is slander! You haven't even known us a day and-"

"Thunderstorm's idea sounds great," Meklavar interrupted. "Let's vote on it."

Shiro seized the opportunity for diplomacy. "Perfect. Everyone in favor going straight up the mountain?" Pike gave a certain half-elf the stink eye as he raised his hand. Block tentatively raised his own hand. "And those for looking into this secret passage?" The remaining party members raised their hands. "Sorry guys. It's four to two."

"For the record, my official opinion is that Thunderstorm is wrong no matter what," Pike grumbled.

"Come on, buddy," Block said, patting his back as the party began walking toward the woods once more. "Not worth arguing about."

They stumbled through the woods for only a few minutes before their newest member stopped them. "The villager I spoke said the path started beyond those dead trees." They followed his finger and noted the especially creepy leafless husks, with threatening symbols carved into it. "I'm going to cast my spell now. It will only work for so long, so we can't afford any distractions or delays." Pike turned his nose up the other direction when the half-elf sent a pointed look toward him.

Another fifteen or so minutes, and the trees started to thin out. The party spilled into a clearing just as Thunderstorm warned them his spell would be wearing off soon. In the center was a large stone, with strange rune-like characters shifting around and jumping over another. Some faded in and out. Others glowed blue. They could all feel the ancient magic in it. Eventually, the writing translated itself into the common tongue.

"I am the beginning of the end, the end of every place. I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space. What am I?" Meklavar read aloud. "What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

Shiro stroked his chin in thought. "It's a very vexing riddle, indeed. Perhaps we should meditate on the answer?"

"Bo-ring," Pike complained, dusting off a nearby rock and taking a seat. He slumped forward onto his knees, resting his chin in his hand. "Shortstack, what's your best guess?"

"Gee, I sure would like some peace and quiet to figure it out," the dwarf shot back.

Valayun looked deep in thought for a moment. "I've got it! It's a circle." The group looked at her. "What?"

"No offense," Block said, "but maybe we should leave the riddles to Meklavar."

"It's a good guess," she protested, a little put-out.

"Circles don't have an end," Meklavar pointed out. "That's why they're circles."

Valayun deflated even more. "I suppose you're right."

"You're awful quiet, Thunderstorm," Pike crowed.

"Because I'm thinking," he snapped.

"Guys," Shiro warned. This time, it didn't even have any heart in it. His poor, tired soul just wanted some rest.

"Maybe it's death?" Meklavar mused aloud.

Block thought about it for a moment and nodded along. "That sounds like it could be it!"

"I don't know-"

Pike's protest when unheeded. The rest of the party seemed content with Meklavar's guess.

"So, what? Do I just talk to it?" the dwarf asked uncertainly.

"Worth a shot."

Meklavar took a step toward the stone. Taking a deep breath, they spoke as loudly and clearly as they could, "The answer is death."

They all waited with bated breath. Nothing happened for a few seconds. But then, the writing turned back into runes and glowed an angry red.

"Uh oh," Meklavar mumbled.

"I don't think that-"

Whatever Shiro had been about to say was cut off when the ground disappeared beneath their feet. The six of them were free-falling in pitch black. The ground closed back up above their heads. There was a lot of screaming. The chasm turned into a slope, and the free fall turned into a somewhat gentle descent. The stone under them was smooth, like they weren't the first party this had happened to. Finally, after what seemed like forever, they collided with the ground in varying degrees of pain. No light appeared to aid their vision. Valayun cast a familiar spell, and an arrow from her newly-replenished quiver lit up the darkness.

"I don't think that was the right answer," Shiro finished solemnly.

"You think?" Pike huffed. "It was- Oh my gods, what was that?"

"Again, Pike, the ears," Meklavar exploded. "None of us have very good hearing. You have to answer your own stupid question."

Thunderstorm stood and brushed off his pants. "That sounded like a bug," he commented. "A big one, too."

"How big?" Block asked, already shaking.

"Like, I didn't even know that's what bugs sounded like big," Pike answered as he suddenly appeared behind Shiro's shoulder, a bit pale. "It's like clicking. Or chattering. Ugh." He shuddered when he heard it again.

"It's getting closer," Thunderstorm warned.

Valayun held the arrow higher, but the cavern was too large for it to do very much. "I can't see anything."

"Trust me, that's a good thing," Thunderstorm assured her.

Just as he said it, the room erupted with light. Torches lining the walls blazed into existence. Rapidly adjusting to the new setting, the party realized that they were standing in some kind of arena. The ceiling arced high above them, made of solid stone. In the center of the room, not that far from them, was a giant pill bug. Which didn't sound like a very menacing monster, except that it was twice as tall as them and had too many eyes. Half a dozen giant feelers longer than Shiro's arm (longer than his sword, probably) moved wildly through the air, touching the ground on occasion. It's mouth was huge. Definitely the perfect size to devour even the bulky, broad-shouldered cleric of the party.

"Uh oh," Maklavar said again.

A dozen miniature pill bugs burrowed out from underground, each about the same size as the average person. Block took the opportunity to dive behind Shiro as well. "Don't let them eat me."

"Valayun, Block, and Pike, take out the little guys. Meklavar and Thunderstorm, help me with the big one."

"Right," they all agreed at once.

They took their respective positions and charged the bugs.

Pike darted back and forth between them, disappearing again as soon as he paused to slash at a bug. He quickly discovered their thick armor made it more than a little difficult to deal any damage with a passing blow. He successfully distracted the few bugs that showed any interest in the other half of their party. They had their hands full. Valayun dutifully aimed for chinks in their armor, arrow after arrow disappearing into leg joints and frothy mouths. Block called for her to look out, and she darted away just in time to dodge a bug that had rolled up and charged her. The cleric used spells until his mana ran out, but they had little effect on that thick armor. In the end, he resorted to swatting at them with his staff.

Meklavar, too short to reach much else, took to smashing the giant bug's legs. Thunderstorm climbed on top of it and ran up and down its back, jamming his sword between its armor plates. Shiro distracted it's face, crossing swords with those giant feelers. The half-elf was knocked to the ground when the giant bug rolled itself up and took a trip around the arena.

"This isn't working," Thunderstorm yelled over the noise.

"We need a plan," Valayun agreed.

"And fast," Block wailed, running from a charging pill bug.

Pike dove out the way as another smaller bug rolled past him. Except the bug hit a rock and got some air time. It landed with enough force to pry the coil open. Dazed, the bug's (disgusting) legs splayed in the air, desperate to flip over. Seeing his chance, he darted over and cut a huge gash down its stomach.

"Guys, their stomachs are soft!" Pike announced.

"Secret!" Block cast with the last of his mana.

. . . . .

The six of them abandoned Coran at the table and huddled in the hallway to discuss their plans. The DM sat up straighter in his seat and peered over at the group.

"No cheating," Pidge accused.

Coran huffed and twiddled with his mustache until they nodded and returned to the table. "I hate it when you use that spell."

"Tough luck," Lance said with a grin.

. . . . .

"Secret received," the party said in unison.

Shiro and Meklavar continued to distract the large bug. Thunderstorm joined the efforts to get rid of the mini-mes. Block and Valayun paired up to trick the bugs onto their back, with Block acting as bait and Valayun lining their bellies with arrows. Between Thunderstorm's skill with a sword and Pike's knack for reappearing in opportune places, they made quite the team. The thief lured the bugs over a rock, where a certian ranger was waiting to gut them like a fish. In record time, they'd dispatched all the little pill bugs.

"Now the big one," Shiro said. "Charge!"

It was a great deal more difficult to get the larger bug to roll up again. It had already seen what they did to its smaller companions. But Pike was nothing if not skilled at eliciting annoyance. He poked and prodded and jabbed until that bug was good and angry. But right when it was time to get out of the way, he tripped over a protruding rock. The giant bug rolled itself into a circle and started coming his way. Just as Pike was about to become part of the floor, Thunderstorm darted forward and pulled him to safety. The bug rolled right into their their trap, accidentally crashing into the wall.  Valayun fired an explosive arrow. Meklavar pounded its guts into good. It was Shiro who delivered the killing blow in the end. The bug let out one last monstrous screech before lying still.

Thunderstorm stood and dusted himself off. Again. Then, he offered a hand to Pike. "Good job out there."

"Right," Pike said by way of agreement, taking his hand. He waited for the insult as Thunderstorm helped pull him up.

"We make a pretty good team."

"Right," he said again, though surely his cheeks were a little red.

Meklavar let out a whoop. "We did it! That was awesome."

"No thanks to you," Thunderstorm commented flatly. "I thought you were supposed to be good with riddles."

"Death was a perfectly plausible answer," the dwarf protested. "I-"

Pike, shaking himself to clear his head, appeared next to Meklavar. He leaned gingerly onto their helmet. "Except that the answer was the letter e?" Meklavar shoved him off, but the rest of the party just and stared. "What? Beginning of the end? End of every place? Eternity, time, and space? They all start or end with e."

No sooner had he said it, the wall crumbled away to reveal a tunnel, lit with the same torches from the arena. Shiro gave Pike a pat on the shoulder. "Good job figuring it out."

"I'll have you know I have the brains, brawns, and the beauty," Pike purred, swiping his hair back.

Thunderstorm and Meklavar groaned in unison.

"Let's see where that tunnel leads before it closes again," Valayun suggested.

"Or before any more bugs show up," Block agreed.

The party started walking toward the tunnel entrance. Just as they were about to step inside, a gust of wind blew at them, carrying the echo of evil laughter.

. . . . .

"Well, I think that's enough for one day," Coran announced.

The whole table moaned and groaned and protested. "Really? But that was such a big cliffhanger!" Pidge cried.

"We have been here for hours," Shiro pointed out.

"Come on," Hunk soothed. "We still have some programming to do before Rover's done."

Pidge huffed and put on a pouty face. "Okay..." The two grabbed their things and showed themselves out of the apartment.

Shiro stood and stretched. "That was a really good session, Coran. The last bit had me on the edge of my seat."

"Why thank you, lad," he chortled. "All in a day's work for a Dungeon Master as skilled and prestigious as myself."

Allura rolled her eyes. "I have a few projects to finish before the work week starts. I'll be seeing you all next Saturday." She collected her bags and left as well.

Without a word, Keith rose from his seat and practically fell onto the couch. Lance started picking up empty snack bowls and putting them into the sink. He helped Coran pack away his DM supplies, careful to avert his eyes from personal notes written in margins so as not to spoil the campaign. He sent Coran off, and Shiro left a few minutes later. Letting out a happy little sigh, he stretched his arms above his head and plopped himself on the couch next to Keith.

"No," came the muffled protest, buried beneath pillows.

"Oh, are you still pouting, big baby boo?" Lance asked with mock concern. Keith removed a pillow to glare at him. "Seriously, babe, you're still mad?"

Keith shot into a sitting position. "Am I still mad?" he demanded. "Am I still mad? You assholes played D&D without me! Yes, I'm still mad. I had to make a whole new character because you guys accidentally triggered the apocalypse and started over!"

"In our defense, you were on study abroad," Lance tried to say, only to be smothered by a pillow halfway through.

"You shut your mouth," Keith huffed. "Play D&D without me again, and you'll have to play your character through a Ouija board."

"Yes, dear."

[cupidmarwani-archive]

The Med Groupchat

Summary: The title speaks for itself.

WC: 1.5k

[crickett has renamed the chat “SEXY BITCHES”]

crickett: my city now

[Maggie<3 has renamed the chat “Gaffney ED”]

Maggie<3: Absolutely not

J. Lanik: Dr. Marcel, I can just kick you out of the chat if you cannot take this seriously.

crickett: rude

[J. Lanik has changed “crickett”’s username to “Crockett Marcel”]

[Crockett Marcel has changed “Crockett Marcel”’s username to “crickett”]

[crickett has added “HUBBY” to the chat]

HUBBY: Hi this is Ethan Crockett made my username and I don’t know how to change it

J. Lanik: I can change it in the chat for you I have admin privileges

crickett: no fun

HUBBY: Please change my username

[J. Lanik has changed “HUBBY”’s username to “Ethan Choi”]

crickett: how come u have all the power

J. Lanik: Because I’m an adult.

FreeWilly: who acts like a five year old lmao

J. Lanik: YOU KNEW I WAS SAVING THAT SORBET FOR FRIDAY NIGHT AS A TREAT FOR MYSELF

crickett: no need to yell

[crickett has sent an image to the chat]

FreeWilly: WHAT THE FUCK CROCKETT

J. Lanik: HOLY SHIT

[Maggie<3 has left the chat]

[crickett has deleted a message from the chat]

crickett: sorry babes i meant to send that to @EthanChoi

Ethan Choi: I’m breaking up with you

[J. Lanik has added “Maggie<3” to the chat]

Ethan Choi: You’re safe now, Maggie

Lesbian’s Wife: hey google how do i bleach my brain

Lesbian: Seconded

Maggie<3: Remind me which one of you is which

Lesbian: I’m Ava

FreeWilly: I remember cos Sarah never shuts up about being Ava’s wife

Lesbian’s Wife: I’m Ava’s wife <3

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian”’s username to “Bekker”]

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian’s Wife”’s username to “Other Bekker”]

crickett: not that i dont love and support dr bekker but this is the ed chat 

crickett: since u wont let me name it the sexy bitches chat

J. Lanik: She’s married to Sarah and cardiology is always down here.

J. Lanik: WAIT

[J. Lanik has added “connor” to the chat]

[J. Lanik has added “MommyPower” to the chat]

Maggie<3: I love you, Nat, but please change your username

crickett: give me admin power

[MommyPower has changed “MommyPower”’s username to “Nat”]

Nat: I’m in a mom chat leave me alone

Maggie<3: How’s Owen btw

crickett: @J.Lanik give me admin give me admin

Ethan Choi: do not give him admin I’m begging you

[J. Lanik has promoted “Ethan Choi” to administrator]

[Ethan Choi has changed “J. Lanik”’s username to “BooBoo the Fool”]

Nat: Owen is great thanks for asking! He just started soccer.

[Ethan Choi has removed “BooBoo the Fool” from the chat]

Ethan Choi: YOU FOOL

Ethan Choi: I HAVE ACCESS TO ETHAN’S PHONE

Ethan Choi: AND HE IS EASILY DISTRACTIBLE!

crickett: He locked himself in the bathroom with my phone. But now I have his

Ethan Choi: WAIT NO I HAVE PRIVATE STUFF THERE

Maggie<3: More private than your dick pics?

Connor: his WHAT

[Ethan Choi has added “BooBoo the Fool” to the chat.]

[BooBoo the Fool has changed “BooBoo the Fool”’s username to “Lanik”]

[Lanik has demoted “Ethan Choi” from administrator]

Lanik: This close to removing you from the chat, Marcel.

crickett: u love me too much

Bekker: Crockett sent us all his dick earlier @connor

crickett: NOT ON PURPOSE

connor: ...is it a good dick

crickett: i mean yeah? i hope so 

Ethan Choi: I’d like to stop talking about my husband’s dick please

Ethan Choi: (but for the record @connor it is a good dick)

Other Bekker: can we not talk abt his dick

Other Bekker: not unless i can talk about the strap but lanik said thats not allowed

Bekker: So he can send nudes but Sarah can’t talk about our new strap?

[Lanik has added “Dr. Charles” to the chat]

Lanik: Will this make you all calm down?

Dr. Charles: I don’t want to be involved here.

[Dr. Charles has left the chat]

Other Bekker: DAD

connor: lmao daddy issues

Bekker: @connor is this the hill you wanna die on?

[connor has deleted a message from the chat]

FreeWilly: can we all calm down lol

crickett: no. @connor dm if you wanna see my dick

Ethan Choi: …

crickett: i was kidding!!

crickett: haha unless……..

Lanik: Please do not plan threesomes in the work groupchat.

April: @Lanik bitter because you weren’t invited

crickett: OOOOOH burn

Ethan Choi: Does @no-ah have us on mute

April: yes

crickett: I’ll dm him some booty pics

Ethan Choi: Do not dm him booty pics

crickett: doing so is a public service

FreeWilly: to be fair Ethan he does get naked anywhere and everywhere

Nat: Including my birthday party >:(

crickett: in my defense u and april and sarah were also naked

Other Bekker: i remember that lmao

Lanik: This is a work chat.

FreeWilly: we should have a nude exchange

[Lanik has removed “FreeWilly” from the chat]

crickett: ooooh drama. are yall gonna break up

[Lanik has muted “crickett”]

Maggie<3: It’s so… quiet

Ethan Choi: Please unmute him he’s whiny

[Lanik has unmuted “crickett”]

connor: anyways 

connor: who wants to talk about their trauma

Bekker: @connor Like when you accused me of murder

Other Bekker: when i was a kid my mom really hated me and ive never really felt loved and maybe thats why im in a constant state of loneliness and being unfulfilled and even though im the happiest ive ever been i constantly feel like im on the edge of a cliff and at any moment im gonna fall over the edge and die

connor: that was loaded

Other Bekker: you asked

Maggie<3: I was traumatized by seeing Crockett’s penis

connor: lucky :(

Lanik: Jeez kids can you lighten up a little

Nat: HE KNOWS MEMES HE KNOWS MEMES

crickett: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS JIMOTHY

Lanik: Don’t call me Jimothy.

Ethan Choi: @connor why are you thirsty

[Lanik has added “FreeWilly” to the chat]

Lanik: It’s worse without you

FreeWilly: that may be the nicest thing youve ever said to me…

crickett: hey baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Nat: Use dm

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Ethan Choi: What

crickett: since ur going to the hospital tonight can u pick up my meds uwu <3

Ethan Choi: Only if you promise to never say uwu again

[Other Bekker has renamed the chat “uwu”]

Nat: uwu

connor: uwu

Other Bekker: uwu

Bekker: uwu

April: uwu

Maggie<3: uwu

FreeWilly: uwu

Crickett: OWO

Ethan Choi: I want a divorce

[Lanik has renamed the chat “SHUT THE FUCK UP MARCEL”]

connor: lanik snapped

FreeWilly: hot

connor: WAIT CROCKETT DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE

crickett: ;)

Bekker: What did he do

connor: i saw the dick pick. @EthanChoi you were right its nice

Lanik: Please stop planning threesomes in the chat

Ethan Choi: @connor I’ll set up a private chat

connor: yesyesyesyesyes

Nat: I wish I could get laid this easily…

April: You can

Maggie<3: I’m with @Lanik can you guys not be horny in this chat

Other Bekker: my two modes are horny and depressed

Bekker: Actually you have a third- hungry

Other Bekker: fair

No-ah: This is why I have the chat muted

[No-ah has left the chat]

[Lanik has added “Queen Elsa” to the chat]

Bekker: Rounding out the lesbianism I see

Queen Elsa: Is this even a chat I want to be in?

Ethan Choi: No

Maggie<3: No

crickett: yes

Other Bekker: to summarize: crockett sent a dickpic on accident and connor was disappointed he didnt see it and now hes gonna sleep with ethan and crockett and also i think nat and april are gonna get laid and also in case you didnt know yet will and jimmy are dating

Other Bekker: AND @Bekker IS MY WIFE!

Maggie<3: There it is

Lanik: Hi, Ms. Curry. This is the groupchat for the ED and I trust that you’ll treat this respectfully unlike some of the other doctors have been

Queen Elsa: Did you just call me a doctor?

crickett: do not listen to him this chat is all fun and games and dickpics

Queen Elsa: If that last part is true, I’m leaving the chat.

crickett: it only happened once and it was an accident

[Other Bekker has sent an image]

Other Bekker: look at my wife look at my wife look at my wife

FreeWilly: @April @Nat are you guys still here

Maggie<3: It looks like they both have us on mute

crickett: good for them,, we been knew they were in love

Ethan Choi: Please act like a person

crickett: bold of u to assume im a person

[connor has renamed the chat “tinder for lonely gay doctors and nurses”]

Other Bekker: DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN HELP ELSA GET A GIRLFRIEND

Queen Elsa: I have one.

Other Bekker: omg omg omg spill

Lanik: I feel like none of you are taking this seriously.

[Lanik has promoted “Maggie<3” to administrator]

Lanik: Never let it be said that I did not try.

[Maggie<3 has changed “Lanik”’s username to”BooBoo the Fool”]

[BooBoo the Fool has left the chat]

[skeletorific]

Less Muscle Than a Frown- A Bones and Brew Commission Fic

Whew, this has been a long time coming! I wrote this piece for @frankpanioncube who has been so completely generous and patient with me in all of this!

If any of you are interested in commissioneng me, feel free to DM me.

Also, light disclaimer: I do get into this a little bit, but I want to make it clear now, I’m doing my best to avoid the “girl not smiling? must be a bitch we need to fix this” trope. So I will get it out of the way that while my commissioner did request female pronouns, this story would have been the same for he/him and they/them. 

They didn’t know what to make of her.

They’d had customers who weren’t into their schtick before. Coffee shops inevitably got a lot of one-time customers just looking for a caffeine fix on their way through life. Some people weren’t into the energy they had going in the shop. Which was usually fine. Unless they were assholes. Then it was less fine.

But she wasn’t a one-time customer. She was in pretty much every morning, the same thing ordered every time, around the same time every day. She didn’t seem to dislike any of them. But she was just so...

“Stone-cold” Stretch mused, watching her as she walked out the door.

“PAPY, BE NICE.”  Blue chided absently, working on a frappucino.

“Can’t help it, bro.” He made a show of shuddering, lazy grin on his face as he leaned back against the counter. The cafe was closing in a couple minutes for their weekly staff meeting, leaving them to chat freely. “Did you see the look on her face when I tried joking with her again? Like talking to a mannequin. Couldn’t even tell if she got it. No smile, nothin.”

“be fair, maybe that’s cause it was one of your jokes,” Rus said quietly, smirking.

Stretch tossed a dishrag at him.

“PERHAPS SHE’S SIMPLY HAVING A BAD DAY,” Papyrus said. He was mopping across the room but the skeleton had sharp ears (metaphorically) for gossip.

“Talkin about the ice queen?” Sans said from the corner table. “She must be havin a bad day a lot then. I mean, has anyone here seen her smile?”

.....

Silence.

“Eeeexactly.”

“WELL, NOT EVERYONE IS NATURALLY EXPRESSIVE.” Papyrus insisted.

“SHE KEEPS HERSELF IN CHECK. I CAN RESPECT THAT.” Black mused.

“I mean, not that I don’t appreciate the merit of keepin your shit to yourself, but honestly, I can’t get a handle on her.” Red was picking his teeth with a toothpick. “Almost like she doesn’t like us or something”

“IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE US, WOULDN’T SHE STOP COMING?” Blue said.

“Maybe she just likes the coffee.”

“MAYBE ALL OF YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO SINCE YOU’RE SPENDING TIME THINKING ABOUT THIS.” Edge grumbled, coming out of the office finally. Stretch and Rus exchanged an eye roll.

“c’mon, boss, you can’t pretend you’re not a little curious.”

“I AM DECIDEDLY NOT.”

“I bet I could crack her.” Stretch said.

“Pfft, how much.” Rus said.

“20 g.”

“man, you must really like giving me your money.”

“alright, why don’t we make this interesting then. if you crack her first I’ll give you 40.”

Rus smirked. “You sure you wanna make this a contest?” He crossed his arms.

“CONTEST?” Black said, eyelights brightening as he straightened up a bit. Blue acted like he wasn’t listening but it was pretty obvious his attention had perked up too.

“Yeah, hot topic, you want in?”

Rus shot Stretch a warning look but Black hardly seemed to notice the editorial. “HMM...WELL, I HAVE LESS TIME WITH HER THAN THE REST OF YOU...BUT I MAKE UP FOR IT BY HAVING ACTUAL CHARM, SO WHY NOT.”

“COME ON,” Papyrus said, frowning slightly. “IT'S NOT REALLY ANY OF OUR BUSINESS. IF SHE’S NOT SMILING, IT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT. IT'S NOT OUR PLACE TO FORCE IT OUT OF HER.”

“Hey, no one’s forcin anythin” Red said. “If she don’t want to, she just won’t.”

“That mean you’re in?”

“Yeah, sure. Could use the cash. Plus....she’s kinda hot.” He grinned wolfishly.

“Pfft, figures.” Sans said. Red shoved his shoulder.

“Shuddup, you in or not.”

“Yeeeah why not.” Sans caught the disapproving look from his brother and shrugged, smiling somewhat apologetically. “Sorry, bro. Just lookin to mess with these nutjobs. Besides, it's not like we’re really hurtin anyone. Could do her some good even.”

Papyrus sighed. “IT JUST...FEELS INTRUSIVE.”

“How bout you, bro,” Stretch said, noting his brother was feigning far more interest in piling whipped cream on his drink than was necessary.

“WELL....” He was mulling it over, clearly empathizing with Papyrus’ sentiment but also chronically unable to avoid a contest of any kind. “....I SUPPOSE SMILING IS GOOD FOR YOU. AND REALLY, THE ONLY THING WE’LL BE DOING IS TRYING TO MAKE HER HAPPY OR LAUGH, RIGHT?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“...OK. IF ONLY TO KEEP ALL OF YOU IN CHECK.” blue said sternly.

Stretch grinned. “Of course bro.”

Black muttered something under his breath that sounded vaguely challenging.

“how bout you, boss?” Red said. “You in-”

“I CANNOT IMAGINE A BIGGER WASTE OF TIME’ Edge said, flipping through a binder that held records of the store’s financials. “NOW CAN YOU ALL STOP TALKING NONSENSE SO WE CAN GET THIS MEETING UNDERWAY?”

The contest began in earnest the next day. Rus, moving quickly, managed to maneuver himself into the cashier spot before the others even noticed her come in.

“Hey, sugar, how you doin?” He said, drawling in a slightly lower tone.

The woman didn’t so much as blink. “Medium double shot macchiato-”

“-with soy milk and a caramel drizzle.” He finished smoothly. “I remember.”

She seemed slightly taken aback. “Um....yes. Please.”

Good, he’d thrown her off balance. Now to hit with the big guns. He punched it into the cash register and looked up without moving his heads, hitting her with a 1000 watt grin. This thing was a force to be reckoned with. People behind her in line were already getting visibly flustered.

“That’ll be $4.65, darlin” He was practically purring it out, already mentally counting his gold...

A crumpled five dollar bill was shoved in his hand without so much an eye twitch. “Keep the change. Thank you” And she was gone.

Rus was left frozen in place. What the...

“U-um..I’ll have you-...uh!!” stammered the (very red-faced) gentleman who was next in line. “I mean....”

Stretch chuckled to himself as he started making the drink. Cocky bastard really did think he was hot shit with that. Still, seemed she wasn’t into his brand of flirting. Now, for an old standby...he subtly rolled his shoulder while he worked until he heard a familiar pop that made every one of his coworkers wince and glare at him.

“Double shot macchiato, soy, and caramel?” He said, pretending to scan the store like he didn’t know right where she was.

She stepped forward, holding her hand out. “Thanks.”

“Eh no problem.” He held the coffee out but didn’t hand it off properly.

She raised an eyebrow. “Um...”

“Go on and take it, all ready for ya.” He said with an innocent smile.

.....

She reached over and took it....pulling his arm off his body as she took it.

A couple of people in the shop yelped. She didn’t seem to have a reaction, just staring at the detached limb wrapped firmly around her cup of coffee.

“Ah, sorry about that.” He reached over and pried it off, fighting a grin. “Guess I was disarmed by your sunshiney presence.”

Nothing.

“Might have to hit the pharmacy for this” He said, examining the arm.

.....

“....Nah, guess with a little elbow grease I can get this to work.” He rolled up his sleeve. Come on, come on, that delayed laugh...

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

“...what?”

“Popping your arm out like that.”

“...no....not really...”

“Hm.” She nodded and walked off.

Rus burst out laughing once she left.

Stretch tossed his arm at him.

The next day Blue and Black decided to team up. Blue waited until he saw her car pull in and immediately wheeled out the mop bucket, starting to drench the floor in a way that would have made Edge rave about warping the floor if he had been there. He put up a wet floor sign while Black positioned himself so he could catch her once she inevitably slipped.

Blue did his best to keep his eye on his work, but he couldn’t help but hold his breath in anticipation as she walked past the storefront windows. The bell rang over the door as she entered, and Black tensed himself to pounce...

Squish squish squish. “Double shot macchiato, soy milk with caramel drizzle please.”

....No-slip shoes.

Black was cursing mentally, looking around the room for something to slide. Maybe if he got it under her feet-

“w-WOAH-”

He saw the figure sliding towards him out of the corner of his eye and before he could react he found himself knocked down. Another one of their regulars, who was bright red as they struggled to pull themselves off him. Coffee had drenched his shirt, and by the time Blue had helped the two of them to their feet he was soaked through. His tackler was apologizing profusely but Blue ushered them off before Black could realize his favorite leather jacket had probably just been ruined. The purple-toned skeleton was cursing to himself when he came back and stripping his upper clothes.

“I-I’m really sorry, there wasn’t a sign so I didn’t realize-”

“ITS QUITE ALRIGHT” he assured. Wait, no sign? Blue and Black’s heads snapped towards their brothers, who were hiding grins. Stretch was shifting something further behind the counter. Black looked downright murderous.

“WHY DON’T YOU GO ASK THEM TO REPLACE YOUR COFFEE. ON THE HOUSE.” Blue said quickly, nudging them in the direction of the counter while grabbing the mop and moving to distract Black.

“WELL...BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME?”

“THIS. MEANS. WAR.”

Next day the Fell and Tale brothers were on staff.

Papyrus and Edge continued to show no interest in the competition, Edge displaying visible irritation every time the subject came up and Papyrus lecturing the other four for nearly an hour about safety hazards after he found out about the mop stunt.

As for the other two...

“You wanna know what their problem was?” Red said, giving the counter a half-assed wipe. “goin practical. Stunts. Gags. too many movin parts means more chance that somethin’s gonna go wrong”

“True enough.” Sans said distractedly. He was currently more focused on stacking cups into a pyramid. Slow day.

“Now me, just gonna rely on the natural charm”

“Oh, then you’re for sure gonna lose.”

“Shut up man”

“Didn’t Rus already try flirting?”

“Rus tried smilin. Cocky bastard think’s that’s all it takes.”

“Since when are you Suzie social skills.”

“since 40 g was on the line. Now shut up, here she comes.”

Here she came indeed. The ice queen cometh. Red’s eyelights lit on the bass guitar strapped across her back.

Perfect.

“The usual, please,” she said, handing over her card.

“Comin right up, doll.” He punched it in and swiped the card. “So, you play that thing?”

“What?” She seemed to suddenly remember what she was carrying. “Oh, yeah. Guitar too.”

“You in a band, or...”

She shrugged. “Sometimes. I uh...also do a little background work for some local studios. If they need it. Its kind of free-lance I guess?”

This was the most he’d heard her talk in a while. No smile yet, but...He could feel Sans watching him from the machine and smirked slightly.

“So you’re good then. Professional.” He leaned forward on the counter.

“I um...like to think so, yes.”

“Y’know, Paps has been talking about trying to do an open mic night around here. you should come. Show me whatcha got.” He grinned.

“My music isn’t exactly open mic friendly. It's...a lot of death metal.”

....woah. Hot.

“That’s cool. Like, the screaming kind.”

“A little bit...”

“Here’s your order” Sans cut across him, shoving the coffee in between them and startling them both.

Red shot him a glare.

“Oh. Thanks.” She took it and turned to walk away.

Red suddenly caught a glimpse of a familiar pink shape on the ground. Oh shit, how the-

“Wait-”

PBBBBBBBTTTTT

She jumped, nearly spilling her coffee and looking down at the ground. A whoopee cushion.

Sans was losing his shit next to him.

She shook her head and continued walking.

PBT-PBT-PBT-PBT

Oh gods oh gods oh gODS- Sans’ eye was lit up blue with magic, pushing the cushion under her feet again and again with every step. She picked up the pace, practically running out of the store, which only added to the surreal hilariousness of the situation.

Red tackled Sans to the ground but by then it was too late and she was out the door. Sans was practically crying with laughter, gasping for air.

“I!! Hate!!! You!!!!” he said, shaking him by his shirt.

“Cmon, like you wouldn’t have done it if you’d thought of it.” Sans said, wrestling out of his grip

Red pulled him back into a headlock. “I was really fuckin close, dude!!!”

“Owowowow ok ok I give.”

He was about to refuse but then saw Edge glaring at him from the office. Red sighed and turned him loose, still fuming.

“Hey, cmon.”

“Asshole.”

“.....wanna do it to the next customer....”

“......yeah”

It was a long day for Edge.

The tactics only grew more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Rus seemed absolutely undone by the failure of his charms and suddenly was laser focusing his flirtation, much to the jealousy of his other customers. Stretch managed to negotiate a truce with Blue and Black and the practical jokes rose to a near dangerous degree. Red kept trying to resume the conversation but Sans ran interference every time. He seemed to have given up on attempting to win the bet and was instead focused on ruining for everyone else.

It was bedlam in the coffee shop whenever she came in. Edge tried to act as a restraint on it, but he couldn’t be on staff every minute of the day.

And still, nothing.

No response. Even kinder gestures seemed ill-fated. Blue tried leaving nice notes on her cup and the ink simply smeared on her hand. Black snuck flowers into her car only to see her a moment later trying to shoo several large bees out of her car. Pastries? Allergies. Red tried changing the playlist for a few days to death metal but had to turn it off after the sound was so loud that customers were forced to scream at them to communicate their orders.

If anything she grew more and more closed off with each passing day. She became jumpy whenever they got near and had taken to examining every drink they handed over for little extras (blame Rus for that one, he dumped some chocolates into her drink and they nearly choked her.)

All of them were there that day. Another staff meeting was due, they were just finishing up the last of it. She came in, ordered her drink, and then went to the bathroom. Papyrus, as had been his won't lately whenever he was on staff and she showed up, made a point to get between them and her whenever possible. He took her order with his usual friendliness and then went to make her drink.

“SHE’S BEEN DOING THAT A LOT THIS LAST WEEK” Black noted.

“what?” Sans asked.

“IT'S LIKE CLOCKWORK. SHE ORDERS, SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND THEN COMES OUT AND TAKES IT IN A HURRY.”

“.....huh.”

“Could mean nothing.” Stretch said quickly.

“....OR SHE COULD BE HIDING.” Blue said quietly.

“Uh...what? Bro, come on, why would she be hiding.”

“IF SHE’S HIDING, SHE’S HIDING FROM ALL OF YOU.”

Heads turned in the cafe. None of them but Sans had heard Papyrus sound that fed up with anything but the Annoying Dog.

“Pfft, what, she allergic to politeness now,” Rus said. His ego had never really recovered from his flirtation being so utterly ignored.

“ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY OVERBEARING.” he was mixing furiously, a slight glare on his face like the machine had personally offended him. “ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS MIND HER OWN BUSINESS AND GET SOME COFFEE, BUT INSTEAD THE SIX OF YOU HAVE SPENT THE PAST MONTH HARASSING HER JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T THINK SHE SMILES ENOUGH.”

“...I mean, when you put it like that, uh...” Stretch tried for an awkward chuckle. “Sounds a bit-”

“CREEPY? UNKIND? OVER-THE-LINE?”

“WE DIDN’T MEAN ANY HARM!” Blue said, looking slightly upset as the realization hit him.

“IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT WASN’T A VERY GOOD THING TO DO. WE’RE HER BARISTAS, NOT HER MOTHER. OUR JOB IS TO MAKE OUR CUSTOMERS COMFORTABLE AND YOU-” He was squeezing the cup to tight and it popped out of his hand, hitting the wall and splashing everywhere. “SARD!!!”

“bro, we-”

He went to the back of the store to get a cleaning rag (and a new cup), looking visibly irritated.

“....shit.”

“I mean....just cause he read it like that, doesn’t mean she did...” Red said, scrambling for an excuse.

“Nah....nah he’s right.” Stretch said after a minute. “Went too far for a joke that...honestly wasn’t that funny.”

“I CAN.....ADMIT THAT I WOULDN’T APPRECIATE IT. IF SOMEONE DID IT TO ME.” Black said reluctantly.

“So what do we do now?” Rus said.

“WE SHOULD APOLOGIZE.”

“I’ll do it.” Stretch said. “I started this bet so...I’ll apologize.”

“Think free coffee for a week or so will make it up?” Rus said.

“I’ll talk to boss about it,” Red said. “But...he’ll probably go for it. If for nothin else than to get us to quit.”

She came out from the bathroom and seemed slightly let down that her coffee wasn’t there waiting. She stood near the exit, looking slightly uncomfortable and checking her phone over and over.

Stretch sighed and went over. “Uh...hey.”

She looked up, dread filling her eyes.

“Its fine, I just...wanted to talk.”

“U-um..actually I have this call I need to make. Can it wait?”

“....sure.”

She walked outside, lifting her phone to her ear. She kept walking towards the parking lot.

Stretch sighed. Shit...

“WAIT, DID SHE LEAVE?!” Papyrus had emerged, looking alarmed.

“uh...I think so...”

“SHE ALREADY PAID!” He was moving like a whirlwind, knocking several things out of his way in his efforts to get the drink brewed. The others were forced to back away from the growing typhoon of activity.

“Wait, bro-”

He finished it, faster than should be technically possible, and bolted out the door.

They didn’t see him for nearly an hour, by which time business had picked up and none of them had the free time to ask him what happened. He didn’t mention it again, and all of them forgot it had even happened until the next day.

She came in the next morning around her usual time. Stretch was running counter and managed to detail out an apology that sounded surprisingly sincere. No mean feat for Stretch. Her expression didn’t change much, but she seemed to untense a bit and was mostly gracious about it. She accepted the apology and tried to waive the chance for free coffee until Stretch insisted. She didn’t smile. But she seemed...pleased.

Rus started making her drink. Papyrus emerged from the kitchen with a pan full of fresh lemon bread.

“OH, WELCOME BACK! IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.”

She turned. “Oh, it's you!”

And her face split into the most breathtaking smile.

Rus damn near dropped the cup. Stretch’s eyelights briefly sputtered and it took genuine effort to stop his jaw from literally dropping.

“THE AUDITION WENT OK?”

“Yeah, thanks for making sure I  got the caffeine. Can’t believe I almost walked away without it.” Her eyes were bright and expressive and holy shit, it was real, it was real and hAPPENING IN FRONT OF THEM-

Somehow Rus managed to hand her her drink without incident.

“I should go. Bye Papyrus”

“GOODBYE! HAVE A GOOD DAY!”

She gave him another smile...and was out the door.

“Wha...” Stretch turned on Papyrus “how-?!”

He shrugged and disappeared back into the kitchen.

“.....how even-”

“Do we still have to pay him?!”

“I don’t think-...the bet was canceled right?!”

And Papyrus only smiled to himself.