#supernatural at its core is really very good because from the start sam and dean have such clear motivations

[sammygender]

there's something really easy to me about writing precanon spn fanfiction (not writing GOOD fanfiction necessarily. but. just having an idea and turning it into a 5kish vaguely completed story in its own right. which is normally something i struggle with). and i think i just clocked why while reading something about how to write short stories (i am notoriously bad at writing original short stories i just write novels and scenes from novels instead lol).

so much of writing flowing well is about motivation... characters wanting something. and i specifically find the young winchesters so good to write for because they have these motivations so built into them.

sam wants to get free & have autonomy & stop hunting & make dad understand and all that is sooo written into his younger self and therefore to write a lil fic about him you just have to like... isolate an incident that lets you really show that. which is what ive been doing without realising it. and dean wants... not much for himself, which is just as key of a character detail! but he still has intensely strong motivations, to keep the family together and to protect sam.

this is such a testament to the character work on spn lol their motivations even precanon are so clear and they're still such complex characters and it makes them so so so fun to write. its making me realise. i think some of the failures of my own character writing is that they dont always Want things

[boywifesammy]

i just reached swan song in my rewatch.

if spn ended here… i’d be happy. more than. it’s a beautiful and bittersweet closure to a heart ache of a show. it wraps everything up beautifully. it takes sam, who viewed himself as a monster all his life, who was constantly labelled by everyone around him as a powerless junkie, and it lets him take over. hell, even SAM said himself that he views himself as less than everyone else. he knows his weaknesses and his failures yet he still said yes. he still fought. and in the end, it was his HUMANITY that brought him back. it was dean and the small memories of happiness that he holds so tight. sam just learnt that his entire LIFE was a lie orchestrated by azazel— but who he is? his family? dean? that’s all his. so in that last moment, by having sam regain control, it’s really the ultimate statement of humanity. he is not a monster. he is so very human that he fought the devil and won. isn’t that amazing??

also… dean in the aftermath. even though he lived through the apocalypse and lost his whole fucking world in one fell swoop, he kept his promise. he did what sam asked of him. he shed the cyclic revenge-fury-anger fate that his father instilled in him and he broke free. he let go, despite how much it broke him inside. every time i think about it, it makes my entire body ache. the sheer amount of grief and emotion that dean must harbour is unfathomable. the pressure he is under is impossibly crushing. but he keeps going on. he lives. he does it one day at a time, and he does it in his brother’s memory.

there is just something so fucking heartbreaking about that, about dean who will never fill the hole in his chest, who will never stop missing sam and seeing him in his dreams and wondering what if but who CHOSES to live. who choses to build up from ground fucking zero and make something of the life that sam fought for. to honour his last dying wish even if it killed him inside because he can finally acknowledge that he is more than sam’s keeper. he is his brother. he respects and trusts him, and he treats him like his own person. that speaks VOLUMES to dean’s character development, because never in my wildest dreams could i imagine a dean winchester who lets sam go BUT THIS DEAN DOES. this dean not only lets sam go but does so with pride and dignity and honour for who he was. that’s just mindblowing to me. s5 did such a PHENOMENAL job at wrapping up spn.

this isn’t to say that the latter seasons are all bad. it’s just that spn has traded so many hands throughout its life that the show that it ended as is virtually unrecognizable from the show it started as. that’s just a true fact. supernatural changed after seasons 1-5. it grew out into something new. i have a shit ton of love and respect for that in its own right— but og supernatural? kripke supernatural? the blood, grit, gore and gothic americana supernatural that i grew up on? in my mind, that ends with swan song. that supernatural is it’s own little story. everything after is an addendum, a sequel. the original story of sam and dean ends with that shot of dean with lisa and ben having dinner. the story ends with sam sacrificing himself for the world and proving without a doubt that he is good and human along the way. it ends on a note of bittersweet hope and raw grief that bleeds all the way down to your core but soothes the wounds in the aftermath, because no matter how much it hurts, it’s closure. for sam, and for dean.

[violenceenthusiast]

im curious why people are saying supernatural is jewish like idk if jewish writers makes an inherently jewish story especially when things like following out the christian apocalypse from revelations and showing a real physical g-d who is just some guy i think is super jarring since though christians claim to be against idolatry they seem totally fine showing depictions of gd or whatever i dont get jesus honestly but jews are far more strict and the idea of showing gds appearance is pretty wrong

WOOF okay um. Maybe this is one of those Tone Doesn’t Come Thru Well Online things but to me this is soo fucking rude… I’m half way between John Mulaney we don't have time to unpack all of that & Ben Wyatt wait it’s gonna bother me if I don’t explain why you’re wrong. 

This turned into all my thoughts. 

So like. First off, it’s all fun and games. We’re all just joking and joshing and projecting here on destiel dot tumblr dot com and Jupernatural is not an exception in a lot of ways. And so when someone shits on what we’re doing here (yes, even unintentionally) what you get is what happened: oh you think you’re funny well I’m about to be hilarious!!! aka I’m gonna do it even more now out of spite specifically because you said not to. Like it really is all jokes but also you know what’s not a joke? Antisemitism in all its forms, even the casual shit! It’s really draining and it builds up in your veins!! Just. Yeah. You saw a lot of people talking about it today in particular because much like other topics of the day, one thing kicks off a whole other turn of events. So like. one misguided comment that’s playfully antisemitic and then one more little one, and then one big/obvious one launched us (Jewish spn fans) into a whole bigger discussion about antisemitism and erasure of Jews in the spn fandom writ large. It’s one thing to be descriptive, offer a headcanon/what if, or employ a certain mode of analysis. It’s another thing to definitively say This Is The Truth, specifically when to do so overrides something else, especially in this case when what’s being overridden is Jews, an ethnoreligious minority. It’s also another thing to talk over Jews. And mind this has been building for days. Not in a bad way just like, it’s been topical for days and then today one big thing pushed it over the edge to us actually posting abt it (partially bc at that point it’s a pattern, which feels like it needs to be addressed). Like, destiel tumblr is small we pretty much all see all the same posts, and then Jewish spn fans… we’re friends, we chat about life? We joke around together, y’know? If you’re being antisemitic (yes, even unintentionally) we’re all gonna hear abt it. It’s how we stay safe or in this case, curate the online exp.

That being said tho projecting on fiction is like fun and even a good thing at times, and def opens up new modes of analysis. But! the other big thing here is that there IS a LOT of evidence for a Jewish reading of spn, in a lot of ways, and particularly if you know what to look for. Like there’s lots of niche Jewish slang (non-Jews just don’t know these things, and that is a reflection primarily of the writers but once you put it in the script it implies things about the characters too of course), the theology of the early seasons (I’ll get to that in a second), main character motivations (hold on), “Moishe Campbell” implying Mary is (and therefore Sam and Dean are) Jewish, etc. 

It’s not surprising to me or anything that non-Jews don’t catch anything/everything Jewish about spn but that Jews catch both sides of it, because that’s just how being part of a marginalized group works. You learn about your own stuff AND the dominant culture’s stuff because that’s how you survive (socially, psychologically, literally). Members of the dominant culture don’t need to learn the marginalized one, are never confronted with it, and so they just.. don’t. I don’t even mean that in a normative or accusatory way, that’s just an observation on the state of things. Non-Jews who aren’t part of another marginalized religion, aka expressed xtians and cultural xtians, have a ton of misconceptions about Judaism, for example, “Jesus was Jewish” and not, “Jesus was an asshole of an apostate who made life harder for Jews at the time in a myriad of ways and whose movement has had a lasting negative impact on world Jewry (and other peoples) for the ensuing millenia”. I truly Don’t Have Time right now to get into the varied and intense history of antisemitism in all its forms but. the point I’m making here is that I’m not shocked I need to explain that life experience shapes your worldview?? So if you’re Jewish you’re always gonna be living life through that version of the world and it does impact you?? Same as anything else?? As unwell as they may be, spn writers aren’t exempt from that. Jewish people writing about xtianity are doing so thru a primarily Jewish understanding and vice versa. Jews can (and did!) write about xtian lore but in a Jewish way! Some core Jewish themes: wrestling with angels/G-d, questioning G-d, IF there’s a G-d they will have to beg MY forgiveness, the afterlife isn’t really a big thing so all that matters is your time on earth, make amends to others directly and thru your actions rather than seeking absolution with G-d, you are not obligated to complete the work nor may you abandon it, etc… So that’s the other reasoning why we say “spn is Jewish” based solely on it being written by Jews. Rather than Death of The Author, let’s look at what the author has imbued the story with, both intentionally and unintentionally. And re: Chuck and idolatry… I don’t even know where to start with the way you phrased this but. the Jewish Spn Writers of Note are apparently Kripke, Gamble, and Edlund. All of whom stopped writing for the show years before the Chuck Is God plot! 

Like yes it feels very stupid to be writing a thousand words on antisemitism and supernatural but like. this is a spn blog run by a Jew so. This whole thing is also just the same every time. This is very representative of typical casual antisemitism.

[fucktheroyals]

You know after reading and reading and reading peoples theories and the meta from before the spn finale aired and the meta writers reactions to the finale I think I have a theory of my own. We don't have any answers tho, so this is pure speculation. If you wanna add something to support or discredit any of this that's cool but there's too many things floating around. Know I dont have proof for this conclusion at all. A lot of what I say is just guesses based on previous facts.

This all came together in my head when I realized how much this finale REEKS of the original producers and who the show was originally for. It REEKS of Robert Singer. Like if the execs started saying they didn't want it, Robert Singer was the one pushing that the story was about the brothers. That kinda thing.

Then, I was thinking of the problems in this episode and it struck me these are all of Supernatural biggest issues and to be honest all of it feels completely deliberate.

Take the sexism for example, Supernatural in it's later seasons largely out grew this, we have Jody, Rowena, Donna, Charlie, Mary, Claire (and even a wayward sisters pilot with MORE women/girls) all making regular appearances. They're mainly good characters and mostly aren't there to hurt our boys. Rowena, of course, is the one outlier being very about herself but it's clear she still cares for them, I mean its part of her development. But they're all real, with character flaws just like everyone else. (And we have Death too and she was POC 😭 THANK GOD)

Now look at the earlier half of Spn, we have Ellen and Jo, who's appearances were far in between. There's Bela in season 3, recurring for quite a bit (5 eps), but she is a character that is only there for herself, definitely not found family (unlike Ellen & Jo), and she's got more episodes in season 3 than Ellen and Jo in season 2 who aren't seen again til season 5. The "fans" send in hate mail after hate mail to try to get these characters off, and eventually they are. Then there's Ruby who's character stayed for a whole two seasons and was a largely recurring character. Why does she get to say so long? She's a plot device. She's supposed to be there to betray Sam. She has to stay (plus Jared obviously likes her). But she's not just a character the writers like writing about. Same with Lilith. Obviously not as recurring but still a plot device. Did they get hate mail tho? You can bet on it. Why? because tHeY'rE gOnNa PuSh ThE bOyS (Dean and Sam) aPaRt ThE sHoW iS aBoUt ThE bOyS oNlY. Without even thinking about the hate mail, just notice how large the difference is from how women are seen in the earlier seasons to the later seasons. Misha got tons of hate mail too for being a character that could split up the boys (probably only being allowed to say because he a man, thanks sexist producers and execs).

Only after Castiel was killed off and then Castiel fans successfully (thank you guys) got him back on the show did the hate mail largely simmer, which means female character's were allowed to stay! Which has lead us to a show with a good amount of female characters. But can you imagine having to kill characters off time and time again because people keep complaining that the show is "only about the boys." Fun times really.

So now we get to this final and we see sexism. But it wasn't just the plain old regular sexism you find in the earlier days of spn. Because now, there ARE women to talk about, talk to. But this episode was DESOLATE women wise, unless they were used for plot (which is also sexist!). Small scenes, they're barely there. Women gets her tongue cut out. Random women from s1 gets killed. Sam doesn't SPEAK of Eileen. Nothing. No mention of any female characters from the boys mouths unless they were from/in this episode itself. That's WIERD. I know we've all said it. But that goes beyond forgetting about characters. I mean its SAM'S GIRLFRIEND for Christ's sake. There is NO REASON they couldn't have said Eileen's name. Notice how Sam's wife is just... faceless. This is literally an age old sexist trope. Like... one of the things about bringing Mary back to life for s12+ is that it takes this trope... of basically a generic mother, and gives her life and feelings, whether you like them or not, they're real feelings. They said Mary isn't just a mom she's a person. Mary's existence in the later half of spn is to fix this kind of female tropes that fall upon her character, to not let these her stay a 2 dimensional character. They said we should know she's more than just the mom who tried to save her kid. Do that is the exact opposite of Sam getting a nameless, faceless wife. The sexism of the old spn wasn't just brought back, it was completely amplified. It wasn't just accidental or some exec "fixing" the story it was DELIBRATE. Whoever wrote that, didn't do ALL OF THAT by accident. Because an exec or a producer who doesn't see the flaws in old supernatural isn't going to write it that deliberately.

Let's bring it back to s10 when Charlie was killed (singer was mainly to blame). Dead in the bathtub, age old classic of burying ur gays. If you were here you know people never let Supernatural live that down. THEY KNOW what bury ur gays means. Hell, Robbie Thompson left because of Charlie's death and you think the writers don't know what it means? I mean both Bobo Berens (especially) and Steve Yockey's careers are centered around LGBT+ storytelling and you think they don't know? They know. They know.

And Dean wasn't just apart of the bury your gays trope, it is so far BEYOND that. Dean being killed on a rusty nail/screw, the tongues ripped out, things that seemed to be meant for other people. Jensen's acting in the last two episodes was giving us "DEAN RECIPROCATES" but no one ever actually saying it. I think it's clear that Dean was killed for being Bi. They didn't address it for a reason, they just silenced him. His narrative was supposed to be about letting him be HIM for the first time, to say what his feelings are instead of having them miscommunicated, and instead of doing that, they just silenced him. And the more we look at this scene the more horrific it gets. The more it's a complete slap in the face and it's supposed to be. Some guy who knows nothing about the LGBT can't write a scene this horrific.

Some guy who knows nothing about Dean couldn't write a scene that deconstructs all of Dean's character development and gives Dean his worst nightmare. I MEAN DEAN WANTED TO LIVE HIS LIFE! THEY DIDNT HIDE THAT JOB APPLICATION (or whatever job related thing that was) IN THERE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SITUATION. Dean isn't Barney from HIMYM. If you watched HIMYM then you'll know Barney went from being a stereotypical ladies man and treating women terribly to being in love with a women and treating her right and working hard for it. The last episode of HIMYM (why its so bad) Barney's character development is thrown out and he's back to being a stereotypical ladies man. You don't need to know Barney's character very much to do that.

To kill Dean during a hunt his father never finished, to not have anyone at his funeral, to have Dean die young like his life didn't matter. Those are Dean's worst fears and you'd only truly know that if you watched the gin episode in s3, where they are basically laid out for you. You HAVE to know Dean's character to tear him apart like this.

This episode took all the core elements of the show and did a complete 180° the name of the episode itself is "Carry on" and Dean and Sam very much did not carry on. Sam grieving his entire life so that he good get to heaven and see Dean again. Dean being ready to live his life, despite the enormous pitfalls and learning to love himself only to be killed. "Family don't end with blood." Um.... it did in that episode either literally with Dean's death or you know BECAUSE NONE OF THEIR FOUND FAMILY WAS THERE. Not Jack, Not Cas, Not Eileen, Not Donna, Not Charlie, Not Jody, Not Claire... on and on we go. No one was there, nobody was even mentioned. Dean's funeral, no one even called that we know of. It was just Sam and Dean. Sam and Dean. And Bobby. Don't forget Bobby. But yeah Sam and Dean.

That's what the show is about right, the brothers.

Except it's not anymore. It hasn't been for years.

Cas not being there was deafening but it brought us to a major point. Becky. Becky's telling us about the terrible ending.

And many of us are wondering why would they literally tell us this is the worst ending and then... make it the ending.

Now before we move on, it very apparent many of you think Dabb doesn't ship Deancas. And Dabb doesn't care about the characters.

Say what you will about any plot holes in his writing, the point he is VERY GOOD at writing the characters, and giving us good ones.

Why do we know Dabb ships Deancas? (ill say when its cowrote, other wise its not) cowrote ep 8.02 - purgatory "I prayed to you, Cas, every night" "Cas, Buddy, I need you." "I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you." 8.08 Hunteri Heroici - Cas helps them hunt! 😊❤ Dean & Cas have a serious convo about why Cas doesn't want to see/go to heaven. 8.22 Dean's mad at Cas. Sam's explanation of why Dean should be easy on Cas: "It's Cas." Dean then points out how he'd knife anybody else if they did what Cas did. 9.10 - Cas comforts Dean when Dean can't take seeing Sam (Gadreel) being tortured anymore. Also tons of Cas. 9.20 (bloodlines) - Canonical couple parallel "I was there, where were you" 9.22 The angels make Cas choose between them and killing Dean and he "gave up an entire army for one guy" 10.09 Claire's reintroduction. Cas heavy ep. DeanCas date. 10.22 THE PRISONER - u know the ep where Dean beats the shit out of Cas but loves him enough to not kill him.

We COULD keep going but I think I've made my point. If Robert Singer is the guy that is like "the show is about Sam and Dean only" Andrew Dabb is the DeanCas shipper. And you could even say a Cas stan.

Notice! How in s13 for SEVEN episodes we have a story that revolves around Dean's grief about losing Cas. Notice! How often the stories in all these seasons have a focus on their relationship. THAT is Andrew Dabb. If it weren't for him doing that, we wouldn't be able to easily say after Dean's lack of a response to Cas' confession, that Dean reciprocates.

To me, when I was (binge) watching s12 for the first time, I thought damn this is really got a lot of DeanCas. So I went to look at who was in charge, who was writing. I saw Andrew Dabb, associated him with Deancas episodes, saw all the new writers, Bobo, and then I saw that Yockey is known for same sex stories and it clicked. Dabb assembled a team to give us Destiel. THAT WAS IN SEASON 12!!!!!!!!

The amount of people saying he's homophobic flabbergast me. Open your eyes! That isn't what's going on.

Imagine making a show and trying to right all the wrongs of Supernatural. Imagine trying to write the greatest love story ever told and you have the entire season planned out for it to end off beautifully, it may possibly be your greatest achievement when it's done and then boom. someone comes in and tells you you aren't allowed to make Dean bi or make destiel endgame, after he was most probably already given the go ahead.

Sure. You could imply he's bi or into cas still in a way. Still make nice-ish ending. just give everyone what the kinda want.

Or you could scrap the last season, nothing close to a canonical bisexual Dean Winchester or Deancas endgame in site. People can be done with it be happy with the show, continue to live their lives in ignorance as to how close they were to Canon destiel.

OR you can lead everyone to the very closest you can get them to what you were aiming for and then show everyone the ugly truth and reality. Light it all on fire. Burn the show to the ground in your wake. Try your darnedest to making these people's (the people saying no) pockets suffer. Show us, the audience, what happened. Show us what this show really is.

I've seen people talk about the ending being changed during covid but I dont think that happened. I think what happened was Dabb already had this season planned out before it even started. Obviously the details were wobbly but it was all lead up to this ending. Destiel endgame, Canon Bisexual Dean, whatever it was. They were ready to write the greatest love story ever told and then someone shut it down.

Imagine the pain that must have caused them to be told no when they already said yes. They must have been so excited to give this to us.

I think someone (some producers) told him what this show is "really" about. The brothers. Can you imagine, after being told no, some kinda bullshit like this is said to you: "Why aren't you bringing it back to the brothers, Andrew? that's what the shows about. What with all this homosexual stuff, you know the audience won't like that. Not really." Imagine the original producers pushing this kind of view on you. "You know when we started it was Sam and Dean. It should end with Sam and Dean." That kinda sounds like someone huh? huh.

So why give us a nice acceptable finale, when you can take every problem Supernatural's had either up front or behind the scenes and create a finale so incredibly bad that people don't want to watch it anymore.

Someone made a good point about how Sam was originally supposed to be the main focus (this isn't to put any hate on Sam or Jared). Dean and Sam are the main characters but Sam was supposed to be the focus and for Dean to have become the focus, must have annoyed the producers because... well here we are. They wouldn't listen to Jensen. The producers liked this ending. Jensen's opinion didn't matter to them.

In some ways, if this is really what happened, it can be seen as childish from Dabb. To hurt all of us like that. Yes, he's hurting the producers, the execs, the cw. But to hurt us? Yeah it stings.

But in other ways, if this is really what happened, this is Dabb showing us the muck and gunk under the shiny surface. The hate for Misha. The hidden hate for Jensen. The underlying sexism. The underlying homophobia. The people REALLY in charge don't care about us, they just want our money. He needed to open our eyes and free us, at least free the people that he was writing for. The people he sees that care about this show.

This is the ending the powers that be wanted and its a big fuck you for a reason. I dont think this is Dabb spitting in our faces for loving this show, I think this is him trying to get revenge for us.

But from here, you can see it how u want it. If this is really what happened, I'm not in charge of your emotions, if you wanna be mad be mad if you wanna be grateful be grateful. And you don't have to believe me either I said this is speculation.

Also, as for all of the rumors like there being shots to the confession scene that we didn't see, which Jensen himself implied, I think that might have been a last ditch effort to canonized DeanCas but obviously it was cut. Like the name change was pretty clear. As for Misha possibly having shot some stuff for 20 I dont know what to tell you. If it's true I dont know where the blame would lie.

I do think however, that if all this was the case, the writers were prepared to become villians here. I mean they told us the writers were villians with Chuck right? So. Who knows what went down so they could give us such a vile ending. It could've been the producers or the writers, who truly knows. I do think tho that people we "trust" did some pretty shitty things to push the narrative in certain directions so now one would see this as the actual ending that was coming.

So again do with my SPECULATION what you will. This was in no way meant to put Dabb on a pedestal or anything. Just meant to give a bit of perspective.

(Also Jensen didn't unfollow Dabb recently he was already unfollowed for years)

[prince-of-elsinore]

On "Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox" and "Carry On"

Or, The Tragedy of the Hunting Life

I'm rewatching Season 12 and was doing a little write-up of my thoughts so far, but this episode (12x06) really deserves a post of its own. It epitomizes a core theme of the show, the toll of the hunting life, and highlights the inherent contradictions of its premise in a way that sheds light on the finale, as well.

Just a few episodes prior, Mary once again reaffirmed that every hunter dies young. In this episode, we see that play out, gut-wrenchingly, over the course of a single montage. Mary Winchester (supposedly already retired herself) saves a young Asa Fox from werewolves, and he becomes obsessed. Mary inadvertently sets him down his path of becoming a hunter, and a skilled one. In so many ways, Asa parallels Dean, from his single-minded obsession with killing monsters, to his single-minded obsession with his "lucky" car, to his ever-rotating cast of one-night-stands. This man lives for the hunt, and then, quite suddenly, dies from it.

At the wake, Dean comments to Sam that dying on the job is the best way to go. This exchange follows:

Sam: You really believe that? Dean: Yeah. What, you don’t? I mean, come on, Sam, it's not like we're in the “live till you're 90, die in your sleep” business. This? This only ends one way.

Sam lets it drop, because he clearly disagrees, but it's not something they're really capable of talking about, at least not in this moment.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, after watching the finale, to know that Dean did die on the job, and Sam did "live till you're 90, die in your sleep"--in essence if not to the word--because he gave up hunting. Furthermore, Dean's death wasn't all that dissimilar to Asa's; as we learn at the end of the episode, Asa was in the wrong place at the wrong time, killed accidentally by an inconveniently placed rock. It's not always the evil thing itself that kills you, but in the violent life of a hunter, death comes one way or another. The show reminds us of this again and again.

This is indicative of the complex relationship the show has with its core premise, hunting. Hunting is simultaneously heroized and criticized by the show. A long time ago, a young Dean told his little brother that their dad was a superhero (3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas) because he fought monsters. This is an attitude Dean never shed; saving people, hunting things, makes you a hero. And he's not wrong. At the start of the episode we get this exchange between Mary and the young Asa:

Mary: I’m retiring. Well, officially I’m already retired. I’m just tying up a few loose ends. Asa: But if you retire, who’s gonna save people like me?

Asa's not wrong. People will always need saving. The good hunters do is real. But every hunter who doesn't retire, and even some of the ones that do (prime example: Mary), dies. Usually young and bloody. Not to mention the other tolls the job takes, on family life and mental health. Asa at least had enough good friends to give him a celebratory send-off, and had a casual romance going with Jody. He even had kids (the witch twins), though it's not clear how much of a relationship they had. Asa is described by his mother, though, as obsessed, and it seems he was on the healthy end of the spectrum when it comes to hunters. So many of the hunters we meet over the course of the series are socially awkward at best and paranoid, revenge-driven psychopaths at worst. Some of that could be chalked up to whatever trauma pulled them into the life, but undoubtedly, some of it is the job itself. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. Obsession breeds obsession (as with Asa). A life of isolation from the comforts of society breeds self loathing, which drives a person further into isolation (as with Dean--a lot to unpack there, but I'll leave it for another day).

The question the show seems to be asking is, what do you do with the burden of knowledge of evil, of the things that go bump in the night? Do you live (and ultimately die) for others, or do you live for yourself? The hunting ethos, enabling as it is of selfish revenge and obsession, encourages the former. In the end, there is good and bad in either choice. The show does not offer up one right answer. Ultimately, Dean chooses the former (as he always has) and pays the price in the finale, saving two little boys in the process. Sam chooses the latter, leaving hunting and the untold numbers of nameless strangers he might have saved, but he lives for himself and for a son of his own.

The more I consider it, the more I believe there's no other way it could have gone. Sam is at peace with hunting, but only as long as it's with Dean, as he tells Charlie in 10x18 Book of the Damned:

Sam: I guess I really understand now that….this is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t….

Dean, however, could never give up the life. Thankfully, in later seasons, he has reached an inner equilibrium with hunting, though. He derives meaning and identity from what he does, no longer driven by a conviction that his life is only worth whatever cause he can sacrifice it for. In 14x13 Lebanon, when Sam expresses his wish that they could send their father back to the past with knowledge that would change the courses of their lives, Dean has this to say:

Dean: I mean, look, we’ve been through some tough times. There’s no denying that. [...] And for the longest time, I blamed Dad. I mean, hell, I blamed Mom, too, you know? I was angry. But say we could send Dad back knowing everything. Why stop there? Why not send him even further back and let some other poor sons of bitches save the world? But here’s the problem. Who does that make us? Would we be better off? Well, maybe. But I gotta be honest – I don’t know who that Dean Winchester is. And I’m good with who I am. I’m good with who you are. ‘Cause our lives – they’re ours. And maybe I’m just too damn old to want to change that.

In the end, Sam and Dean each give a different answer to the question the show poses, of what you do with knowledge and responsibility: live for others, or for yourself? Each answer is complex, though, and layered. Neither is better than the other. It's not a yes or no, good or bad question. The show has always been about choices and consequences. It was true to its premise till the very end, just as Sam and Dean made the choices that were true to themselves. It's bittersweet. It's heroic. It's tragic. It's right.

[failbaby]

I genuinely do not understand what supernatural is. Like is it a funny show? is it suspenseful? does it have a good writing or characters? Im just very lost

Thank you for your question, I appreciate your curiosity, keep asking questions, keep being curious, that’s so important :)

…..but really, though, I totally get where you’re coming from, because people watch the show SO differently. It’s kind of crazy to see so many different takes on the same media!

Supernatural at its most basic core is a paranormal horror show. Sam and Dean have to fight monsters and go on quests to save the world. There’s a good bit of comic relief, (especially with Castiel, who doesn’t really know how to be human for a good portion of the show) but it’s mostly kind of ominous/suspenseful and often pretty dark. It’s based on Abrahamic religious texts, American folklore, and some odd bits of pop culture here and there.

The writing starts out good, but sort of goes downhill after season 5/6, in my opinion. The main characters are pretty likable and sympathetic, I think, and I think most people continue watching after the narrative collapses because of their attachment to the characters and their relationships

[i-know-my-value-darling]

Supernatural stars reflect on the show's undying legacy

Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, and Misha Collins discuss 15 years of fantasy, family, and flannel. 

"We only get one shot at this." Sam and Dean Winchester are surrounded. The monster-hunting brothers are standing on the edge of a cliff. They look to Castiel, their brother in arms — or is it wings? — but even he can’t help. One move in the wrong direction could ruin everything. After years of fighting demons, going toe-to- toe with Satan himself, and saving the world multiple times, they once again find themselves in a position of having to perform under pressure. But this situation is unlike anything they’ve ever dealt with before. All eyes are on them as they have one shot…at getting the perfect picture.

It’s a dry, hot August day in Malibu — when people were still allowed to gather outside — as Supernatural stars Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, and Misha Collins prepare for the last setup of their final Entertainment Weekly cover shoot. With a bottle of champagne in each of their hands, Ackles once again reminds them they get “one shot” to do this right. But if their characters can shoulder the weight of the world, surely these three can handle a photo. Read the whole story below

The champagne soaking is meant to be a celebration of 15 years, of making television history. Supernatural, the story of two brothers destined to save the world, is the longest-running genre show in the history of American broadcast television. (So old, the first three seasons shot on this thing called film.) What started as an underdog story, living its first few years on the verge of cancellation, has become an institution, a milestone to which other shows aspire. Supernatural not only survived the move from The WB to The CW after its first season — it’s now the final WB show left standing — but became the backbone of the now highly successful CW network. Over the years, the sci-fi series has aired on every weeknight, helping to launch shows including Arrow and The Vampire Diaries. The network moved it one final time, most recently, to Mondays, to help Roswell, New Mexico expand its audience. “Supernatural is a major link to many of the shows that we have successfully built to market,” The CW’s chairman and CEO Mark Pedowitz says. “Almost every one of our shows has had it as a lead-out or a lead-in.”

And to think, it all started as a promise to bring horror to television. After Supernatural creator Eric Kripke had finished working with Warner Bros. on 2003’s Tarzan series, he pitched the idea of a reporter who travels around hunting urban legends. As he puts it, it was a Kolchak: The Night Stalker rip-off. But when he realized the story would benefit from having brothers at its core, he started writing. “At the time, The Ring and The Grudge were huge hits in theaters,” Kripke remembers. “We said, ‘We’re going to take that experience and we’re going to put it on TV,’ and the initial goal was to be scary.” After Warner Bros. passed on his first, what he calls “uptight,” draft, Kripke had to reassess the kind of show he was creating. “I canceled all my Christmas plans and wrote that second draft in three weeks,” he says. “That was when the show got its sense of humor, because I was locked alone, over winter break, in my office. I couldn’t do anything fun, so I started entertaining myself.”

The show was still scary, but it was also funny and, over the years, would continue to evolve. Sure, you could say it’s a little bit X-Files — in its early days, the show often used the line “The X-Files meets Route 66” — and there were definite Star Wars influences (Sam and Dean were originally based on Luke Skywalker and Han Solo). But no combination of pop culture is going to perfectly describe Supernatural because the show has managed to do something remarkably rare in the age of peak TV, where audiences are so overwhelmed with content that an original idea seems foreign: It’s created a truly one-of- a-kind experience.

For starters, it’s a show about two flannel-wearing, beer-loving, blue-collar dudes from Kansas who for a good chunk of their lives traveled from cheap motel to cheap motel, paying for gas and greasy diner food with a mix of fake credit cards and money they earned scamming people at the pool table. “Almost all television is about rich people or, at the very least, middle-class people,” co-showrunner Andrew Dabb says. “The fact that we’ve been able to take this Midwestern blue-collar approach to this genre feels like we’re breaking the mold.”

But the mold-breaking didn’t stop there. Supernatural might’ve started out as a horror show with some snarky one-liners, but it evolved into some of the boldest, most experimental (and certainly strangest) stories on the small screen. “We’re a show of big swings,” co-showrunner Robert Singer says. “I used to say, with every idea, ‘This will be a home run or they’ll cancel us,’ but every year we wanted to do something really nuts." And when he says nuts, we’re not just talking about the episode with the talking teddy bear or the murderer targeting imaginary friends. Those are just some standard monsters of the week. We’re talking about the black-and-white episode shot like a classic Hollywood monster movie, or the episode that introduced Chuck (Rob Benedict), a prophet — who’d later reveal himself to be God — who was famous for writing a book series called Supernatural. That, of course, led to Sam and Dean attending a Supernatural fan convention as the show continued to redefine what it meant to inject a series with meta humor. And the swings never stopped. Season 13 featured a Scooby-Doo crossover as an animated Sam, Dean, and Castiel solved a case alongside the Mystery Inc. gang. And in season 14, after giving God a sister a few years prior, the show made the Big Man Himself its final villain. “I don’t think any idea, barring some production concerns, has been viewed as too crazy,” Dabb says. “Because we know that our fans are smart and that they’ll follow these guys anywhere.”

So long as each episode features Sam and Dean — and the occasional heartfelt talk on the hood of the Impala — the show can do just about anything, which is another reason Kripke had to rewrite his first draft of the pilot. Originally, Dean was the only brother who knew about monsters growing up, bringing Sam up to speed later in life. It wasn’t until Kripke figured out that they needed to be in this together that the series snapped into place. Because at the end of it all, they’re two brothers bonded by the loss of their mother and a life spent on the road with an absentee father. (It just so happens that their mother was killed by a demon and their father hunted them.) The familial dynamic — the irrational codependency, as the angel Zachariah (Kurt Fuller) once called it — is the most important part of the show. “The first inkling I had that we had something special was shooting the pilot,” Kripke says. “It was the scene on the bridge when Sam and Dean talk about their mother. It was the first time that you really saw their chemistry and their connection as brothers on full display. Because I’ve always said this show begins and ends with whether you believe that sibling relationship.” But Sam and Dean weren’t just the center of the show. For many years, they were the show.

Supernatural has never been an ensemble drama. For the first 82 hours of the series, Ackles and Padalecki were the only long-running series regulars — Katie Cassidy and Lauren Cohan briefly joined for season 3, appearing in 12 episodes combined. But Sam and Dean weren’t just in every episode; they anchored every episode. (They skipped table reads because there would’ve been only two actors there.) “I had many moments of not only questioning, ‘Can I keep this up?’ but an answer of ‘I cannot keep this up,’ ” Padalecki, 37, who’s been vocal about his struggle in the early seasons, says. “I borrowed strength from Jensen.” But even Ackles, 42, admits it was a tough job. “The 23-episode seasons were nine and a half months of filming,” he adds. “It was a lot of work, but I always came back to: I still enjoy it, I still like telling the story, I still like these characters and the people I work with.”

Not only did the guys stick around, they built a reputation of having created one of the warmest sets in the business, with a number of crew members staying with the production all 15 seasons. It all dates back to a talk Kripke had with his stars during the filming of the series’ second episode. “I said, ‘The show is about your two characters, and with that comes this responsibility,’ ” Kripke says. Padalecki remembers the exact setting of what he calls their “Good Will Hunting moment,” a bench in Stanley Park in Vancouver, where they film. It was a chat both actors took to heart. “We’d both been on other sets,” Ackles says. “We knew we wanted to enjoy it, to have fun with our crew; we wanted them to like us and us to like them and to have fun doing what we do.” It’s an attitude Pedowitz hopes bleeds into other CW shows, an attitude that launched an annual tradition where the CW chairman/CEO takes his new casts out to dinner with the Supernatural guys, a chance for the vets to share advice. “It’s always the most flattering situation,” Padalecki says, recalling a moment he had a few years back with the late Luke Perry, who was a part of the Riverdale cast. “Luke was sitting next to me and he was like, ‘What y’all have done and what we hear about you guys, it’s really cool to be associated with y’all in some way, shape, or form,’” he recalls. “And I’m sitting there pinching myself.”

It’s a behind-the-scenes legacy that’s perhaps just as impressive, if not more so, than the onscreen legacy. Collins, 45, who started as a guest star and the show’s first angel in season 4, has become the show’s third-longest-running series regular, and he still remembers walking onto set his first day. “When you’re coming onto a show as a guest star, it can be a little bit nerve-racking,” Collins says. “Coming to this set, it was an immediately different vibe. Think- ing about working on other shows in the future, that’s something that I aspire to bring with me.”

A similar reputation extends to the fans as well. Not only is the #SPNFamily one of the most dedicated fandoms out there, it’s also known to be a pretty nice one. (Not many fandoms can say they’ve helped launch a crisis support network for their fellow fans.) But their dedication isn’t just about seeing what crazy twist God throws at Team Free Will next. Thanks to fan conventions and social media, the viewers are just as invested in the lives of the actors. Supernatural’s not just about the words on the page, it’s about the actors saying them. “When you’re dealing with the public taste, there’s an alchemy of great writing, a great idea, and the close-up that’s required,” Peter Roth, chairman of Warner Bros. Television Group, says. “You need stars who you want in your living room.” And you need stars who want to be in your living room, and who, even after 15 years, care so deeply that they get emotional while taking photos in Malibu.

"It's going to be a long eight months," Ackles declares. Standing on that same ledge, an hour before the champagne shot, Ackles, Padalecki, and Collins walk away from a group hug after unexpectedly starting to tear up. It might be the setting — looking out over the ocean — or the occasion: their last-ever photo shoot. Or maybe it’s the fact that they’re almost a month into filming their final season.

It had been a question posed to the stars for years: How long will this show continue? How long can it continue? “Even my mom and dad were like, ‘When are you going to be done with this?’” Ackles says with a laugh. It was a decision the network and studio had ultimately put into the actors’ hands, and it was a conversation they’d been having for a while. Back in 2016, Padalecki told EW, “If we don’t make it to [episode] 300, I think Ackles and I will both be truly bummed.” But in season 14, they hit 300…and then kept going. While filming episode 307, they announced the upcoming 15th season would be the end, which will bring them to a total of 327 episodes when all is said and done. “[Jared] and I were always married to the fact that we never wanted to go out with a diet version of what we had,” Ackles says. “We wanted to have enough gas left in the tank to get us racing across the finish line. We didn’t want to limp across.” Padalecki remembers the moment it hit him — not the decision to end it, but rather the opposite. “We had that moment where he and I both realized that we didn’t want it to end,” he says. “It finally got to a point, ironically, where it was like, ‘I never want to leave this. I could do this until the day I die, and then if I get the choice when I’m dead, I’ll re-up!’ But you never want to be the last person at a party. We just knew. That’s not to say there haven’t been vacillations, but we all trust the decision that was made.”

Starting in July 2019, the cast and crew returned to Vancouver to begin filming the final season, but in March 2020, with two episodes left to go, they were sent home. For years, fans had wondered what, if anything, could stop the Winchesters, and now it seems we have the answer: a global pandemic. As sets closed amid social-distancing measures due to the spread of COVID-19, it didn’t take long for fans to start connecting the dots, sharing relevant GIFs from episodes that featured viruses, most notably Chuck telling Dean to hoard toilet paper “like it’s made of gold” before the end of the world in season 5’s “The End.” (Did we mention that Supernatural is also kind of psychic? In a season 6 episode, Dean calls Sam “Walker, Texas Ranger,” which just so happens to be the role Padalecki has lined up after this ends.)

When production paused, it all felt a little like we were living in an episode of the show, just waiting for Sam and Dean to drive up in Baby, open those creaky doors, and save us. They might not be able to do quite that, but the thing with the Winchesters is that they never stay down for long. When Supernatural is able to safely resume production, it will. And though there are only two episodes left to film, fans will enjoy a total of seven unseen hours, including the return of Charlie (Felicia Day) and a mystery woman who visits the bunker and, for some reason, gives Sam and Dean all the holidays they never got to celebrate. “She makes Christmas for them and Thanksgiving, birthday parties, and all that. It’s a very good episode,” Singer says, adding, “I don’t know when it’s going to air.”

That’s the thing—no one knows, not even the guys who took out Yellow Eyes, stopped Leviathans, defeated Death himself, and are supposedly destined to be the messengers of God’s destruction. But Sam and Dean do know the value of a good plan B. “Obviously it’s a horribly unfortunate situation we’re in, but the silver lining is that it gives us an opportunity to recharge,” Ackles says. “We had just finished episode 18, we shot one day of episode 19, and I was reading these two monster scripts thinking, ‘It’s like we’re at the end of a marathon and they want us to sprint for the last two miles.’ I feel like this almost gives us an opportunity to refocus and go into the last two episodes and hit them with everything we got.” Because when they do return to set, shave their quarantine beards, and step back into Sam and Dean’s shoes for the last time, they’ll have one shot at ending this thing…and they’re determined not to miss. 

Photos: Peggy Sirota for EW 

https://ew.com/tv/supernatural-stars-cover-ew-to-reflect-on-the-shows-undying-legacy/

[devotionthatcorrupts]

ok so you sent me an ask about my tags, but i've always loved yours!!! i like it when people have tags that are poetic or songs or references or inside jokes. how did you choose the ones you use? they all seem related but if there's a story, i'd love to hear it!

I'm so happy to hear that I put so much effort into having a coherent tagging system on here it makes me delighted when people like them. They actually are all unrelated source wise but they are all themed around what I think the character/relationships central thesis is. these are going to be long so I'm going to put it under a read more.

knighthood as religion is dean's tag because I believe his core narrative is centered around being both raised and personally devoted to the idea of being a protector and shield for people but in particular sam in a way that goes beyond duty and exists as a devout calling. without that he lacks purpose and ambition (even though he doesn't but the fact that he actively chooses not to pursue anything outside of this adds to the religious sacrifice inmho) protecting sam, and through assocation, sam himself are his deities creating a very specific moral code that he operates under that only he understands and holds himself too. it's both a critique of his character and what I see as a personal tragedy as john raised him this way and he never really had a choice or an option to exist any other way - the fact that he embraces it is almost a non-existent point because he was created to be duty bound and dies duty bound in a way that he revels and finds peace in because he's always known that was his fate.

the devil that was is sam's tag because his identity is created on being lucifer's vessel despite the fact that his personality and nobility is the antithesis of it. his early narratives are wrapped around him struggling to work against this nature and briefly, embracing it as a means to an end but then ultimately rejecting his function and form and becoming himself again even if it is at a high cost that he never full recovers from. sam is actively choosing to not be what he was created for and so "the devil that was" is this idea that he both was, is, and isn't demonic and in way, that's the only act of agency he's allowed to consistently keep throughout the series. he doesn't own his life, body, purpose, direction, or connections but he did prevent himself from being the vessel of lucifier and I think that's central to the way that I understand and appreciate his character.

two people shorten a road comes from the irish term bóthar with that being it's literal translation as a means of saying "company makes the journey pass more quickly" and that companionship makes life better. I don't use that tag for them anymore because what I like about their relationship has changed but I still think it's a good tag. my brother tag at the moment is just the winchester brothers as placeholder until I find something new. the road leads nowhere is somewhat connected to two people shorten a road and it's my thesis of the show tag about how the entire story is about the fact that they are falling a pre-destined plan (both within and outside of the meta) that their journey is ultimately meaningless and that they revel and seek out that meaninglessness because the road itself is the only home they've known and they have never sought out, or settled at a destination. it's both a jab at the show's insane, convoluted narrative and a mythical commentary on their purpose.

I wait for you at roadside mass is my sastiel tag which I don't use as much anymore because my interest in the ship has waned as I've focused almost exclusively on s1-5 but it's the idea that sam is religiously devout and cas is both a representation of the divine, proof of the divine, and also a vessel for divine love. sam is always traveling and since he grew up in a family that wasn't interested in religion he has no concept of a stationary church or house of worship and so cas in many ways embodies that for him. cas is his holy house and he waits for him by the roadside for him to hear his prayer and create space and connection to the divine.

childhood is a kingdom where nobody dies is my pre-series tag and a edna st. vincent poem (my url is also from an edna st. vincent poem she is a very important poet to me) about the transition from childhood to adulthood and ultimately, the departure for it in a way that feels very appropriate for the winchesters. it's also a play on irony, as their childhood was filled with death and also a bi-product of the death of their mother but also they did not die, and their father did not die and in a way they learned to accept that as long as that didn't happen death lacked permanence.

love is where the knife goes in is my samruby tag and it's just about their jesus/judas relationship just the foundation of what it's like to love your own betrayer, knowing that they plan on wounding you and wincing when it goes in anyway even if you are waiting to hurt them in term and how if you experience that enough you start associating love with wounding, that even the wound itself become a deceleration of affection in its own way.

the motherless oven is my winchester family tag and it's from the title of a graphic novel from the same name that has no relation to supernatural but the phrase has always stuck with me and i feel like it embodies the family well. they are a hot-tempered, relentless family that are all trapped within each other and because of each other and all mourn and represent the absence of mary in their lives. they are both their own tomb and also entombed within their romanticization and martyrdom of mary.

and those are all of my active tags! I still want tags for ruby, john, both of the boys in relation to their father because each of them have a fascinating relationship with him, cas, and maybe the winchesters + cas because that is an engaging dynamic as well. I do not like deancas and don't blog about it but I probably would come up with a fun tag for it if creativity struck me.

thank you again for asking!!! this was so much fun to type out. I've been wanting to write out something like this for awhile because I have put a lot of thought into each tag.

[peanutbutterjelly-pie]

Guardian Angel

Summary: It'll only be minutes until Dean's time on earth's gonna run out. Until the hellhound will walk around the corner and drag him with it into the pit of pain and despair. Until the demons and monsters will claim his soul. 

But just as he is about to face his end all of a sudden something unexpected happens and Dean starts to wonder if he's seriously worth to be saved after all.

Word Count: 1676

Tags: Canon Divergence, Angst, First Meeting, 3x16 divergent

[Written for the @writersofdestiel‘s “The Day They First Met” Prompt Week]

It's merely minutes now.

They had hope, just a little bit, but now Lilith is out of reach and Dean hears the hellhound coming closer and closer. The air in his chest tightens, making breathing impossibly hard as he stares at the doorway.

He knows the creature will show up there any second now.

To take him to hell.

Mercilessly.

Dean never regretted saving Sam's life. He just can't, no matter what. But as he's facing his end now he's unable to feel a lot of things, emotions overpowering him with such strength his knees start to buckle.

He doesn't want to die. There are so many things he actually intended to do. Awesome, amazing, wonderful things he always thought he had enough time to experience at some point.

Fuck, he's never even been in love before. Not really, at least.

And now he will never know what that feels like.

Dean glances to the side, for the last time looking at the person most important to him. Sam is breathing hard as he stares at his brother with despair, tears welling up in his eyes. It's clear that he tries to control himself, not to sob and break down here and now. But it seems he has finally accepted that there is no way out of this.

Dean would die tonight. In a few minutes.

And they could do jackshit now to stop it.

Dean opens his mouth, determined to leave Sam with some last reassuring words, but in the end no sound leaves his throat. He's incapable of forming any coherent sentence at this point, he's sure of that. Besides, there is absolutely nothing in the vast vocabulary that would ease Sam's mind in any way right now.

Dean knows because he would totally feel the same if their roles were reversed.

So Dean settles on just looking at his tall little brother and shooting him one last smirk.

It's all he can do at this point.

Since just a moment later the hellhound walks around the corner.

It's an ugly thing. Broad and big and hairy and its eyes and fangs are enormous. Not to mention the claws. Sharp enough to rip even the strongest man apart in a matter of milliseconds.

The worst, however, is the smell. Ash and fire and decay.

Dean imagines that is what hell smells like.

He will find out for himself soon enough.

Dean takes a deep breath and braces himself. This won't be pretty and a big part of himself wishes Sam wouldn't be here to witness this. But another, small, selfish side of him finds itself relieved to have his brother by his side.

One last time.

Dean looks at the creature, looks it straight in the eyes, and yells Come on now! in his mind.

The hellhound prepares itself to attack. Bloodthirstiness shining in its gaze.

Thirst for Dean's blood.

And then, all of a sudden –

A shadow shows up right behind the creature. Dean blinks in surprise and just has enough time to notice a flapping coat before the hellhound starts to whine out of the blue.

It whines and screams and squirms and Dean takes a moment to notice the silver blade that's been rammed right into its neck. By the shadow in the dark.

Sam next to him gasps in surprise and bewilderment (and Dean is right with him on that front) and they both watch in shock as the hellhound collapses right there on the spot.

Motionless.

Dead.

Dean blinks.

What?

The?

Fuck?

For a long moment the room remains eerily quiet, nobody really sure what to do now. Dean at least has no freaking idea what is happening now.

He simply gaoes at the shadow who steps out of the darkness and reveals himself to be a man in a bulky trench coat. A man who looks absolutely normal. Close to harmless, actually. Tousled hair, a light scruff, ridiculously blue eyes.

He seems utterly wrong in this place.

And at the same time there is something about him. Something that takes Dean's breath away in a completely different way than the hellhound before him.

The man steps forward, appearing absolutely calm as he pulls his strange silver knife out of the dead creature. He seems like this is a totally ordinary day. As though he always runs around and kills some hellhounds before dinner time.

There are a thousand questions running through Dean's mind at this very moment. And in the end he grasps for one.

“Who are you?”

It's at least a legitimate question, right?

The man looks up, his gaze connecting with Dean's. And the hunter feels a shiver running down his spine as he has never experienced before. He's even on the verge of whimpering and thankfully just has enough self-control to suppress that urge right on time.

“My name is Castiel,” the man introduces himself.

His voice is impossibly deep and Dean has no clue what to do with this.

How are you supposed to handle such a situation?

Something like this certainly has never been part of Dad's training.

Dean stares at the man, keeps on staring and staring, and at one point realizes that this guy just can't be human. Maybe it's a residue from his year running out or perhaps it's just hunter instinct.

But he simply knows.

“What are you?” Dean clarifies his question in the end.

The man – Castiel – stays unperturbed as he responds, “I'm an angel of the Lord.”

Dean can't help a loud and very unattractive snort.

Yeah, right.

“Sure thing, buddy,” he mocks. “Now for real – what are you?”

Castiel's face doesn't display any emotions as suddenly the few lights in the room begin to flicker and a shadow of two huge wings shows up right behind him.

It's only for the blink of an eye, but it's more than enough to shake Dean to his very core.

DAMN.

Sam next to him doesn't seem far better off. His eyes as big as saucers, his skin going absolutely pale. Dean, at least, finds himself worried that he might pass out in the next moment and decides to focus on that for now because anything else is too much.

Way too much.

“You were meant to go to hell tonight, Dean Winchester,” the creature – the angel?? – tells him in a serious tone. “And it was foretold that this event would lead to the apocalypse.”

Dean's jaw goes slack.

Wait, what?

“Huh?” he says, dumbfounded.

“This has been in the making for centuries. Millennia. Since the dawn of time itself.” Castiel's gaze gets even more intense and Dean suddenly feels stripped naked faced with such scrutiny. “Hell and heaven, preparing for the final battle.”

Dean wonders if he's dreaming.

If this is just the strangest, most wacko dream he's had for quite a while.

Because this can't be true!

Right?

“But I and a small fraction of angels – we see things a bit differently than the rest.” Castiel's lips twitches. As though he's fighting an actual smile. “We believe it doesn't have to be this way. Humanity is our Father's greatest creation. We don't want to see them die in an ocean of fire.”

Dean shivers and feels the strength of his legs leaving him. It's just with monumental effort that he's able to remain upright for the time being.

“I … uh …” What do you reply to something like this?

Dean doesn't have the foggiest.

Castiel, meanwhile, walks up to him, suddenly so close they're almost chest to chest.

“Humanity deserves to be saved,” he states in that gravelly voice. “But above all, you deserve to be saved, Dean Winchester.”

He studies Dean like he's the most important thing in the world. Like he would fight all of heaven and hell in a heartbeat just to see the hunter safe and sound.

Dean swallows, licks his lips and feels his cheeks heat up as Castiel's gaze follows the movement of his tongue with a bone-chilling intensity.

Dean can't remember the last time someone looked at him like that.

He isn't actually sure if someone ever looked at him like that.

“You … you're kidding, right?” Dean scoffs and tries to come across as unimpressed as possible while he chides himself over and over to finally get his moves on and take a few steps back. Put some distance between them. Personal space and all that crap.

He remains unsuccessful.

Because his body refuses to be apart from Castiel, it seems.

“I assure you, I am not 'kidding' you,” Castiel says, phrasing that one word like it's a weird alien language he never heard before. “I am here to save your soul from damnation. You're a good and kind man and you don't deserve what has been put upon your shoulders.”

Dean blinks.

He wants to laugh. Right into the guy's face.

But Castiel sounds absolutely sincere, as if he means every single word, and Dean feels the mocking laughter get stuck in his throat.

Damn.

“You might not believe me,” Castiel continues. “But soon enough you will have no other choice. Neither hell nor heaven are going to be thrilled about this act of rebellion and we have to brace ourselves for the inevitable repercussions.” He tilts his head (which is not adorable!). “But don't worry, we are prepared. We won't allow anyone to harm you.” His eyes glint supernaturally. “I won't allow anyone to harm you.”

Jesus.

Dean throws another glance at Sam. Who still looks like the verge of crying.

And Dean hates to admit it, but he can actually relate.

He thought he would be in hell by now. Probably already ripped apart and then put back together to do it all over again for the hundredth time.

To stand here, alive, at Sam's side, with a freaking angel so obviously eager to protect him – this is just wild!

And so he decides there and then: yep, this must be a dream!

Because gorgeous, intense men eager to save his soul? Yeah, this can't be real!

Right?

[ginime]

Unpopular Opinion: I liked the series finale of Supernatural

*SPOILERS FOR LAST EPISODE*

Finales are hard (for the writers, actors, and audience). Especially for shows that have been around for so long like SPN. That said, I set low expectations for “Carry On” and kept an open mind. My only wish was for Sam and Dean to get a happy ending. I was ready to call “Inherit the Earth” (15x19) the finale if I was disappointed with this last one...but I loved it.

It’s not flawless, not everyone likes it, and that’s okay. Season 15 was all about reminding us about old characters and about how far the boys have come. I have never seen another show that gave the fans what they wanted to the extent that SPN has.

I know the main problem people have with the ending is Cas’ death. SPN has always had an issue with queerbaiting, how could you expect them to turn that all around in the last three episodes? The show isn’t perfect, this is an issue that we as fans have to deal with. The writers got our hopes up by making Destiel canon, but I didn’t expect some drastic change to how their relationship is portrayed. I love the ship and it’s always been canon in my head, but to judge the entire finale based on an unfortunate trope? Bury your gays is awful. As a bisexual scouring television for representation, I get it. I wish that at the very end, Jack and Cas joined the boys on the bridge in heaven. But at its core, SPN is about love and family and that’s how I chose to look at the final episode.

Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack all got the chance to choose their own endings. Jack was always afraid of being evil, and he became the ultimate light to balance out Amara’s darkness. A creator instead of bringing destruction. Cas’ death was tragic, but at least he died happy while saving the man he loves. Then got to work with Jack on redesigning heaven, which is a long way from Cas being the obedient angel of the Lord he started as - or the season 6 God he tried to be. It might feel weird that after everything, Dean died hunting vamps, but I wouldn’t trade his goodbye with Sam for anything. He didn’t die some crazy hero’s death because of some elaborate plan that Chuck thought it was entertaining. He died like any another hunter might, nothing extraordinary. After being the focus of heaven and hell all their lives, both Sam and Dean deserve being “normal.” Also, this is the first time (that I can remember) that their goodbyes weren’t rushed by a looming threat or apocalypse. They both got the chance to say everything they wanted to each other. Dean died in his brother’s arms, knowing that his little brother would be okay because now Sam was completely in control of his life. It was a little strange watching Sam get old, but I think it was the perfect way to honor all his family members that didn’t get a decent life. Naming his son Dean and having that interaction on his deathbed was cheesy, but also a sign of a good father-son relationship that a lot of characters on the show didn’t have.

Again, finales are really hard. Fans have a wide range of high expectations for the characters we love. In the end, my favorite part about Supernatural isn’t its quality as a tv show, it’s the community we’ve built around it. Which I’d like to believe will last long after the show ends.

[jadewritings]

Love Letters To My Professor - The Date

PAIRING: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester x reader

WORD COUNT: 2k+

WARNINGS: Language, sexual tension, oral (male receiving), fluff

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yay! Some Dean action! Somehow, smut just crawled it's way into this chapter. Lol I'm sorry but enjoy!

For the date with Dean, you didn't know where he was taking you which meant you didn't know if you should have gone casual or fancy. So you decided to go with a pair of black ripped shorts and a t-shirt that said collect moments not things on it. You put on a pair of matching black lace bra and panty set, looped a belt through the shorts, and put on your black vans before being ready to go.

You didn't do anything with your hair, just brushed it and let it fall naturally over your shoulders. You didn't want to do too much and actually look like you're trying but you didn't want to look like you'd just crawled out of a dumpster either.

With perfect timing, you heard a knock at your door. You smiled, starting to feel giddy, but before opening the door, you wiped your face clean of any emotion. Couldn't have him thinking you were too excited.

You opened the door, he stood there, jeans and a white collared shirt tucked into them. Fancy, but not too fancy. He handed you a bouquet of flowers. A rose or two dotted in there but there were many other flowers in there.  You thanked him, putting them in water and returning to him.

Your eyes swept up and down his body before meeting his again. You didn't miss how he did the same.

"Should I change into something more suitable?" You asked, tracing a finger up his shirt, teasingly pulling at the buttons.

"No, sweetheart, you look perfect." His tone was low and when you looked at his eyes, they were dilated.

Dean led you to his car, a sleek black Chevy impala.

"Wow. She's beautiful!" You couldn't help but admire the car. It wasn't made much anymore and you'd always wanted one because of this show called Supernatural. The character, Foster, had one just like it and he treasured the thing.

"She is isn't she? Baby here has been with me for most of my life. She and I have made a lot of memories." His eyes were transfixed on the backseat. You could only imagine what these 'memories' were.

His eyes turned back to you when he heard a giggle, "What?"

"Nothing. I just... I have a feeling I know what kind of memories you made in this car." You opened the door, climbing in and sliding across the seat. Dean came in after you and started up the car.

You groaned, almost sexually, "God, she sounds beautiful."

Dean cleared his throat and adjusted in his seat. You didn't know why but carried on nonetheless.

When you arrived at the restaurant halfway across town, you gaped at it. You were definitely not dressed for the occasion.

"I thought you said I didn't need to change?" Your eyes wide while they stared at a smirking Dean.

"I did. There's no set dress code here. You look fine, trust me."

You grumbled, submitting to his answer. He walked around the car, taking his hand in yours, waffle style. Heat rose to your cheeks.

"Dean..." he noticed the hesitation in your voice. He couldn't miss it.

"What's wrong? Do you not want to do this?" He asked, anxious if your answer. He hated to admit it but you made him feel different. Like he could be himself with you. Not just some sexy jock the other girls wanted cause they thought it was hot and it scored him a one night stand.

"N-No. that's not it. But, what if you lose your job over this? I don't want to be the reason—"

His laugh cut you off. It agitated you, he wasn't taking this serious. You slapped him and the shoulder and he cringed away from it. It stung for sure.

His laugh died down so he could speak, "This is just a side job, sweetheart. Sam offered it to me because he needed an assistant coach and I accepted. I have another job. I don't exactly need this one."

You nodded, listening intently. You wondered what his other job was but before you could ask, he pulled you in the doors, "Come on, our reservation is soon."

You stepped into the restaurant, marveling at the interior design. Tall ceiling, paintings covering the walls so it's not just a basic white. Yep, definitely fancy. And probably expensive.

A waiter led you to a table at the back, near a window so you could see the skyline.

You settled in, a little uncomfortable because you felt you didn't belong.

"Y/N. Stop fidgeting you're fine." He noticed and you scowled.

"What exactly is it that you do? This place definitely isn't for the simpletons."

He shrugged, "Nothing exciting."

You took a look at the menu and also did a spit take with your water all over Dean.

"Dean!" You whisper shouted, "It's fucking something if you can afford to buy from a place where the cheapest thing is a Salad for 16 fucking dollars!"

He chuckled, "Look. It's really nothing. I work at a mechanic shop. It just so happens it pays well enough for the occasional nice night out."

"I don't think just working at a mechanic shop would be enough to be able to afford this, Dean. More like you own the place or something." You were scanning over the menu, looking at the 25$ steak and ever other expensive thing on there when you didn't hear a response from him. You looked up and he was avoiding your gaze, scratching his neck.

Your eyes widened, "Oh my god. You are the owner aren't you? Dean!" You kicked him under the table, his face going red before he helped. Good thing you were in the back otherwise you would have received dirty looks from other  customers.

"Alright, alright! I may... own a few mechanic shops. But seriously! It's not a big deal!" He waved his hands in front of himself, as if he was trying to convince you of his words.

"If I'm going to be going out on dates with you it sure is a big deal. People know you for god sake! Why didn't you just tell me from the get go?"

He sighed, you could tell he didn't want to make a big deal of it probably because of this exact reason. A twinge of guilt ran through you.

"Because when I tell someone that I'm we'll off they just use me for my money. And while I'm sure you wouldn't do that, I couldn't take the chance. I.. I really like you Y/N."

You were stunned to say the least. Dean and Sam were probably the only ones to ever render you speechless. You reached your hand over the table, taking his.

"I don't care about your money, Dean. I appreciate you telling me and I get where you're coming from but I want you to know you can tell me anything and I won't judge."

He smiled and lifted your hand to his mouth, gently kissing it. You blushed and turned away from him. The waiter came over to take your order and while you tried to order something cheap enough, Dean insisted you order whatever you wanted. So, you got a steak. Dean smirked, knowing he could get his way with just a simple look.

After the restaurant, Dean took you out to get some dessert. This time, cheap enough for you. He took you to Twisty Cone for some ice cream.

You sat at the tables outside, licking the sides of your ice cream cone before it could melt and Dean ate his chocolate sundae from his cup.

"So.." you started, "Did you tell Sam about our date?" You didn't want to bring him up when it was supposed to be you and Dean but you couldn't help but wonder.

"He knows I went out but I didn't tell him who." He said it so nonchalant and your mind wandered back to today in the classroom with Sam.

'I don't want anyone else but the one person I can't have because she's my fucking student.'

You couldn't get what he said out of your head and your heart was torn in two. On one hand you liked Dean. And on the other, you had feelings for his brother. You were seriously tempted to have both of them but you didn't know how Sam would react to that. He didn't seem like the type of person to share.

Not that you should anyway. He was your teacher. But... if no one knew, then— no! Stop it Y/N!

You cleared your throat and licked the small drop of melted ice cream that began to fall over your finger. As you licked, your eyes met Dean's. His gaze frozen on you. You should have been embarrassed but you weren't. Dean made the butterflies in your stomach erupt but he also made you feel comfortable.

You smirked.

"Dean."

He grunted. And you chuckled, "Dean, you have some— here let me get it for you." There was a small amount of the chocolate syrup on the edge of his smile line, so you took your thumb, wipes it from his mouth, and brought it to yours, savoring the chocolaty goodness.

All the while you kept eye contact, and he groaned. You knew you were winding him up. You had a knack for doing that to people. It was just fun to do it to the Winchester brothers.

His voice was low and had a hint of danger to it that had arousal shooting straight to your core, as he said your name.

You smiled innocently, "Yes, Dean?"

He got up, threw his cup away, and grabbed your wrist, dragging you along with him. He swiped your cone and threw what was left in the trash.

Such a waste of perfectly good ice cream. You thought. But now your attention turned to the man who threw your back against his car door and crashed his lips to yours.

You kissed back, fighting for control. You bit his bottom lip, gently but with enough force to send arousal straight to his dick. Which you felt hardening on your upper thigh.

"God, the things you do to me." He groaned, your hand finding its way the the growing bulge in his pants.

"I'm sure I could do more if we went somewhere more private." You whispered against his lips.

He pulled back, pupils blown from lust, "Get in the car." It was a demand that had you excited to see what the future held. The very close future.

You crawled in to the passenger seat from his door and scooted closer to him when he got in. You couldn't keep your hands to yourself and you knew you should have but Dean just had a way about him.

His beard was starting to come in. He usually had it shaved but you guessed he got lazy. It made you think of how it would feel if he was eating you out.

With a groan from you and a purr from Baby,  you reached for his belt, unbuckling it and reaching through the hole of his boxers, you released his cock from its confinement.

It wasn't ridiculously long but it had a girth to it that made your mouth water. Dean huffed from above you. You looked up just as you lowered your head, "Eyes on the road."

His hips came up, meeting your lips as you teased the head of him. His knuckles turned white from the grip he had on the steering wheel. It surprised you how much strength he had to hold back from just shoving you down but you'd let him feel every last bit of good you could give.

You stroked him a few times, taking some spit on your hand to rub it all over his shaft. Your tongue eased up the side of his cock, running along a vein that looked like it could've burst at any moment.

You sunk down, wanting to him to feel the warmth from your mouth. You jaw locked in place and your lips made an o around him as you bobbed.

His groans and huffs of air spurred you on. You eased down, farther and farther until he hit the back of your throat. You weren't one to deep throat  because it made your jaw sore after but you'd give Dean your all. You felt him pulse in your mouth and you knew he was building up to a climax. You wanted to taste him, swallow everything he had to give but with a pop, he pulled you off of him.

"I don't want to cum right now. I need to be inside that pussy."

Your stomach coiled, hearing those words made you more horny than you already were.

His hand brought your lips to his, saliva slipping between plump pieces of flesh. You had to pull back and contain yourself because if this kept on you might get into an accident before you even made it back to his place.

Sam! Shit! In your horny haze, you’d totally forgotten he lived with Sam!

-Part 7-

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[mamusings]

Supernatural Season 1 Thoughts

So I'm rewatching mainly to distract myself from the dogs breakfast the show has descended into. But also because my feelings about the show as a whole are decidedly mixed. I come to it as a buffy fan. I've always been curious about spn as a successor show to buffy, but only watched thr first 13 seasons in 2020. Blame lockdown.

Anyway s1. Blinding start, blinding finish. But the middle is just too many MOTW episodes without enough season arc development. I keep wondering who the show is for. It feels aesthetically very male. Lots of blood, guns and violence. Well-realised horror feel - although I think it's hard to really feel fear when you dont particularly care about who might die. It's only when you threaten a major character death that things hit harder. Also the genuflecting to realism by drawing on urban myths feels like something for stereotypically 'male' rather than 'female'. Probably reflects my preferences that I was never to into the MOTW format some buffy fans loved and that I was always more interested in the story telling than realism or even consistency. Monsters as metaphors works better for me. But Spn is a much more cloistered universe. Two guys and their absent father is what s1 is about. But it dits weirdly between being comfort viewing and needing attention. There's much that starts to feel formulaic with MOTW episodes: Impala on the road scene, some rock music, an opener that gives you a new mystery and people to go with it blah blah. You can practically set your watch by the final denouement happening in the final 8 mins. It feels like the show is diligently checking off every myth and monster going which gets tedious. I found the need for setting up yet another family in danger was something that gets hard to care about. "Oh look a couple, someone's gonna die, shall I fast forward until sam and dean show up." And yet there are some interesting undercutting of the white working class vibe the show has. Two that stand out to me are: the 'female gazing' of the camera work off Sam and Dean. There's a lot of panning - are we getting in the boys with the guns and hardware and then offering up the handsome male bodies for women? I felt a little cheap, but they they are v cute. The other is having a black/bi racial woman play Dean's only serious love interest. The ghost truck thing is terrible but putting attitudes to race at the centre of this particular storyline was intriguing. Perhaps a counter balance to the overall wwc feel of things. (Full disclosure I am a black woman and I enjoyed seeing this - even tho I did have several moments of wondering was the predominant female look so uniform back then. All the girls have the same build (and did we all wear such low rise jeans?) plus long, wavy/curly hair...except Meg who basically has Sam's hairstyle ha ha)

What's impressive? The first few episodes give us a cluster of core lines: bitch/jerk, no chick flick moments, and the sibling dynamic This show hits its stride right in the pilot and wendigo is still one of the scarier episodes. Thats a really good opening shot imo.

It's no surprise that what's really riveting is Sam and Dean. But on rewatching I saw a lot more on why this is so interesting. Basically when the characters are introduced you first get Sam. He's your archetypal nice guy whis hot everything though for him. Stanford, girlfriend, friends, great test score but also and crucially hes likeable. Then you get Dean and hes introduced as a dick. Breaks in, wrestles Sam, comes on to/is sleazy with Sams gf. So cocky bad boy: check.

In the pilot dean is the annoying big brother to a t. So they set up two contrasting personalities. Dean is disrespectful to cops, Sam is embarrassed by it. Dean is into hunting, Sam is unwillingly persuaded. Dean is insensitive, Sam kinder and sweet. Dean plays dumb, Sam's the academic achiever. But what we witness over the course of the season essentially reverses this. Sam's the real rebel defying his father, Dean the obedient son. Dean gets a lot of scenes showing him make swift emotional connections esp with children or people in caretaker roles. Dean's very adult 'I'm 26 of course I go on hunts alone' is unmasked by the fact he gets Sam to help him because hes lonely. And Dean (often clumsily) tries to help Sam move on about Jess and open up about his nightmares. While the explicit dialogue casts Sam as the geeky loser brother what we see in this season is that the loser is actually Dean. Sam has friends, Sam has a relationship, Sam has a life he wants to get back to. Dean has no one and some of the hardest emotional hits this season are when his mask is lifted to show us just that. For instance shape shifter Dean voices his jealousy in Skin. Also Azazel taunts Dean about how he needs Sam and John in a way that they dont need him.

The closing episodes really bring some of these contrasts home. Dead Mans Blood gives us a great bonding scene between Sam and John, for me that's a moment where it falls into place that they so much in common that it leaves Dean on the outside. They both loved women they lost to a demon. For both of them (at this stage) the mission, as in killing this demon, matters more than family. Its Dean who constantly prioritises family, even while his family deprioritise him. Both Sam in Salvation and John in Devils Trap put sacrificing themselves to kill the demon as their first priority. Whereas Dean consistently argues for family, first persuading John that they are stronger together, then telling Sam that the three of us 'is all I have' in Salvation. The point gets hammered home in Devils Trap where Dean says (in case the stupid viewer missed it "you and Dad are a lot more alike..cant wait to sacrifice yourselves, but I'm going to be the one to bury you").

Much of the rest of the relationship development is about showing us the partnership Sam and Dean are developing. You see increasing ease in working together - maybe most cliched in how they toss weapons back and forth in Hell House. Plus that interesting sibling dynamic when you love someone and find them intensely annoying that feels enjoyable even if your own sibling relationship is nothing like it.

But what's interesting is that while Dean's character is revealed throughout the season. You see through the episodes the difference between his Dean presents himself and hiw he is, but dean doesn't change. Hes immature and emotionally driven I'd also savvy and brave. Its Sam who changes. Not in how he is, but in his priorities. Sam realises the good bit about Dean among the stuff that irritates him. But most importantly the final episode shows us Sam moving from thinking the mission is what matters just like John. To thinking his family matters more. He doesnt shoot Azazel inside John and when John berates him for it his look at the bloodied-up Dean in the rearview mirror speaks volumes.

It's all the more striking because thus argument has been the core dilemma for the last 3 episodes. It's also the crux of how Dean, for all his obedience, sees himself as falling short of who his father wants him to be. He cant turn his heart off. Its Dean who calls his dad sounding like a tearful little boy in Home. It's when John approves of him making the heart choice and using the colt to save Sam, that Dean realises it's not his father but Azazel speaking. I find that painful to watch it's been so well set up. You get lots of preview of Dean really wanting approval and when it finally comes and you're all ahh fsmily bonding, Dean puts it together and goes you're not my father. Ouch.

Absent fathers and eventually I guess an absent God is a big spn theme. So there is something to say for looking at it in this season. John's absence is the driver of the whole season. But it's also the foundation stone of both Sam and Dean's character. What we get most of in s1 is a sense of the impact of his fathers absence on Dean. The childhood neglect, but also the absence of approval. My European background always makes it jarring when children address their father as sir so I hope I'm not over reading this. When John gets back the way it emasculates Dean is jarring. The jumping to attention with the yessirs and the following orders is such a distance from the cocky law breaker. Its interesting that the first scenes in which I recall the boys speaking in unison are these yessirs. But the scene I remember most is a trivial one, Dean offers John a machete out of Babys messy looking trunk - hes already been pulled up by dad for inadequate car maintenance. But John pulls a bigger, better, cleaner machete out of his high spec truck - Dead Mans Blood. Sums it up for me. Dean is so eager for approval, his father withholds it so casually. Sam is less like this, because he had Dean to parent him however ineptly. Sam did not have a hoid parent in Dean, but Dean showed up. Sam starts to make that realisation in season 1 and there are a few thank you moments. Contrast Dean's only outburst against his father when hes admonished to call when in trouble. He takes a leaf out of Sam's book and notes that they did call in Lawrence and they called when Dean was dying in Faith, hes angry and rightly so. John didn't show. But its interesting that Dean's fight with John sounds like a child fighting with a parent. It even ends with 'I dont care for your tone' from John even as he accepts Dean's point. Constrast Sam and John who have a much deeper ongoing disagreement. But Sam fights his father from an adult position. He's not looking for approval or acceptance, Sam claims his ground, argues his point. Dean still just needs to be loved.

But as well as the impact of the absent parent there is also having grown beyond the parent. I feel like the final few episodes show us that 'the boys' have surpassed their father. John's fake colt idea is lame and Dean calls it. By contrast the devils trap at Bobby's to catch Meg feels like a moment of brilliance particularly as the trap is sprung on the viewer so we feel surprised too.. Sure they call in help from Bobby, but what they do is well planned and they pull it off. And calling in helo when you need it us grown up.

Theres an element of fate vs character exploration when it comes to Sam and Dean. What happens to Sam is fate. It's not related to how he is or how he behaves. We find that out more fully soon. Whereas what happend to Dean relates to his character. IMO Dean actually has the option of walking away from hunting that Sam tried to exercise. Unlike Sam, hunting wouldn't have pursued Dean by killing his girlfriend. But Dean's character means he doesnt chose to walk away because family is important to him, in a way that it isn't for Sam until the end of this season. Its interesting that Sam perceives of himself as having choices he doesn't have. Whereas Dean sees himself as having no choice, when in fact he does. But I guess we don't know that yet so maybe the argument doesn't work?

#supernatural #sam #dean #winchester

[demonsonthemoon]

Let Me Carve a Place to Crawl Inside You

Fandom: Supernatural Pairings: Sam Winchester/Jessica Moore, Sam Winchester/Amelia Richardson Word Count: 3536 Summary: An exploration of Sam Winchester's relationship to physical contact, throughout his lives and several of his relationships. Note: I started out wanting to write a puppy play story. Then I got side-tracked. Oops. (Some puppy elements are still there but it's SUPER light.) There's a big focus in this fic on season 8 because I had just finished re-watching that when I had the idea for this fic and I am bitter about the treatment Amelia gets both in the show and in some parts of the fandom. Also, Sam's season 8 arc is one I relate to EXTREMELY, especially since suffering from burnout last year.

Read it on ao3.

Sam has always liked physical contact. He didn't think about that too much, because it always brought up memories of his childhood and the fact that physical affection wasn't something he'd really been able to indulge in back then. John Winchester wasn't that kind of father. Dean had tried, though, the best way he knew how. He'd ruffled his hair and bumped his shoulder and taught him how to wrestle, and he always pretended not to notice when Sam huddled up close to him as they watched TV well past their bed-time.

It wasn't something that came naturally to Dean but, for his brother, ha had tried anyway. Sam hadn't been able to indulge, but he'd never been deprived, and he'd learned to live with that well enough.

Then there had been Jess, and that relationship had opened up a whole new world for him. She hadn't been his first girlfriend, but she'd been the first one he'd truly been himself with. She hadn't known everything about his life, hadn't known about hunting or much about his family, but she'd known who Sam was anyway. Who he wanted to be. She'd known a Sam who hadn't alway been about to leave town. That was more than a lot of people could say.

Jess had touched him. She'd hugged him and kissed him and run her fingers through his hair, and she'd laughed about how he was just a big puppy asking to be petted as he nuzzled into her.

And then Sam had left.

And then Jess had died.

And Dean had tried to pick up the pieces of him, but by that point Sam had figured a part of him was rotten to the core and he hadn't been sure he wanted to be made whole again.

A life on the road meant there was little time to enjoy any kind of comfort.

Sam had been back to being always on the verge of elsewhere.

He'd made do. He had Dean, most of the time, and when he didn't he found another body to touch and soothe him, at least for a little while. Hook-ups, mostly. Ruby, when he'd thought his brother was in hell and that he had nothing to prove to anyone anymore.

That had ended well.

And then he hadn't had Dean for a year. He'd thought he'd lost him forever, for good this time, lost him to purgatory and the horrors it contained.

Sam had been so alone back then. Without Dean, without Cas, without Bobby. Still and always without Jess, although that pained had stopped being an open wound and was now just another scar that ached on rainy days.

He'd been so tired, then.

At night, he would lie down in a single bed in a non-descript motel room and curl up on his side. He would wait for the world to stop, withing he didn't have to get up the next day, that there would be no next day to wake up to.

Then he'd hit a dog.

He'd already stopped hunting for a while by then, but the dog finally forced him to stop moving. To stop running. He all but collapsed in the waiting-room chair of the vet clinic, weariness settling deep in his bones and mind.

How do you treat fatigue when you are both afraid to sleep and all too aware that your nightmares can follow you into the daytime ? How do you run from something that is buried in your own mind ?

Sam hadn't found an answer that day. What he'd found was a creature that needed him, a reason to get up in the morning and take care of himself as well as he could. He'd found someone willing to forgive him and offer him physical comfort, even if the latter sometimes came in the form of a lick to the face.

Sam took care of the dog and the dog took care of him. When he culed up in his bed at night, the dog mirrored his position.

And then there had been Amelia.

Amelia, who found him not on the verge of leaving but of settling down.

Amelia, just as adrift as he was, just as desperate to find something to anchor her down. It wasn't a girl that Sam had found that year without Dean. It was a reason to rest. It was a desire to stay alive that, for once, didn't come from the fact that he had to.

Amelia touched him in a way Sam recognized from his own past, a way that suggested she couldn't quite believe she was still capable of such gentleness.

Sam let himself be touched like he still believed he could be worthy of this kind of attention.

Amelia had been the one to insist Sam give his dog a name.

On the days when Sam felt most fragile, when he hid his car keys in one of the kitchen drawers because his whole body was vibrating with the urge to leave, Sam buried his face in the crook of Amelia's neck and let her run her hand through his now long hair. She joked that she'd adopted two dogs. Sam reminded her that Riot was technically his, but didn't deny he was hers. He didn't tell her that he truly believed she had saved both their lives.

And then one day she had come home from work with the first early ray of sunlight, exhausted and on edge and with the feeling of blood on her skin despite the gloves she'd been wearing all night, and she had found Sam on the couch with a romance novel in his hands, and she had demanded some puppy cuddles.

Sam had laughed, and he'd blushed a little, but he had also made space for her on the couch, and he had drawn her in until she could lie against his chest, before she'd huffed and changed their position, sitting up straight and drawing Sam onto her lap.

Sam had felt small and quiet and cared for in the best of ways, and when Amelia had started running her fingers through his hair softly, a little whine had escaped from his mouth.

Neither of them had said anything about it, but Amelia had smiled at him knowingly and kept up her petting, and Sam had let his thoughts drift far, far away, further than they had in a very long time, when all of his energy had been focused on staying alive and saving the world.

Then Don had come back.

Sam was very aware that he and Amelia only fit so well because they were both broken in similar ways, both missing what had become their raison d'être and desperate to latch onto someone new, even if they had to mind their jagged edges.

He hadn't lied to her when he'd said that he thought what they had was right and worth fighting for. He really believed that. He loved Amelia as much as he was capable of in that moment. She had saved his life and brought him back to a part of himself he had thought had been lost forever somewhere in Lucifer's cage.

She shouted at him and she complained and she swore, but she also treated him with kindness. She allowed his silences, his secrets, and she gave him a chance to just be, stolen moments away from responsibility, from pressure, from pain.

He loved her as much as he was capable of in that moment but he knew that, compared to Amelia whole, that kind of love wasn't much.

Or maybe he didn't know. Maybe he was just scared to find out.

Sam had never had a relationship that didn't end with him and his partner getting torn away from one another, usually by death, sometimes by distance, always by his involvement in hunting. He had tried to put a stop to all of that once, with Jess, and she had died. He had thought it was a good idea to try with Amelia, because they had both been two people with nothing to lose and so it hadn't seemed like there was anything that could hurt her. But now there was and Sam was terrified of what would happen if they went on together. He was terrified of the moment when their love for each other would no longer be enough, of the moment when they would stop needing one another like they needed air and everything that held them together would fall apart.

They loved each other as much as they could right then, like one loves to drink water in the middle of the desert.

But that wasn't anything to build a life on.

Sam wasn't anything to build a life on.

So one day he picked up the key hidden in the kitchen drawer, cuddled Riot close one las time, and he left.

Riot had been his dog, but it was to Amelia that he owed his life. She would take good care of him, like she'd taken care of Sam. Like Sam couldn't take care of her.

Closing the door behind himself and climbing into the Impala, Sam had figured that he would be back to picking a direction and driving until his eyes hurt. Picking up a hunt or two on the way when it fell into his lap, but not exactly trying to.

Or maybe he would try again. Maybe he'd rested enough. It wasn't like he really deserved the thoughtless peace he'd found in Amelia's arms. After all he'd done, sacrificing himself to the hunter's life was the least he could do.

And he knew how to do it. He'd done it before. Alone, too. In those months when Dean was dead simply because a god – an archangel, really, but the difference hadn't mattered then – had wanted him to be. He had stripped his life to its barest essentials then, and he had hunted. He had been alone and his body had been aching but he had hunted.

Of course, this time, it hadn't come to that. Because Dean had been there, Dean had found him, and he had splashed himself with holy water and borax just to prove that he was real, and still Sam hadn't been able to look at him as anything other than a miracle.

And then they had hugged each other and all Sam had been able to think about was how much he wanted to just let go, to let Dean take his weight and just rest there for a second, breathing in the stench of sweat mixed with cleaning product.

But he didn't. Because Dean was back and Dean needed him, and there were always more monsters to hunt, more people to save and there was never enough time for Sam to rest and forget himself.

Cas had come back, and that had been good too, because Castiel was his friend, another anchor point in this life that kept throwing him in all directions.

But Sam was so tired. He had thought that the months with Amelia had helped, that maybe it had been enough, but the wound he had inflicted on himself by leaving was still fresh, and Dean's hurt was like salt against it.

So when he cut open a hellhound and let its blood cover his body, he figured might as well.

After the second trial, there wasn't any doubt in his mind that he was going to die. And maybe that was for the best. He was so tired. But he could do this one last thing, this one last truly good thing, shut the gates of hell and finally be able to let go, comforted by the knowledge that he would leave the world a better place than he had found it.

Except Dean had stopped him.

Dean had brought him back from that edge and Sam had let himself fall into his arms once again, because he felt alone and he was scared and how could he resist the promise of someone holding on to him ?

And Dean had held onto him. A little roughly, a little self-consciously, but he'd been there, hovering over him and taking care of him, and it had felt so good, to have a hand on his shoulder telling him to take it easy, fingers running through his hair that he half-heartedly swatted away, a grin as a plate of bacon was slid towards him.

It had felt good, until it had started to feel like too much, until it had begun to feel like Dean wasn't just being nice but trying to assuage his guilt. His guilt for what, Sam had no idea, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. He was losing time, whole chunks of days missing from his memory without explanation. Every time he tried to talk to Dean about it, his brother brushed him off, telling him it was nothing. He was constantly worried about his health but this didn't bother him ?

It wasn't right.

And then he finally figured out what was going on. He was forced to, when Crowley invaded his mind to warn him, and Sam managed to cast Gadreel out, and then he was faced with his brother, hovering over him still.

But for once, the hands on his shoulders didn't feel comforting. They felt like brands, like flames of ice burning off his skin.

Sam couldn't trust his own brother anymore, and every touch felt like an added violation. He couldn't feel like himself in his own body, and this was Dean's fault. (It wasn't. Even as every cell in his body rang out in rage and pain, part of him was trying to justify Dean's actions, to forgive him. Because they were brothers, and that was what they did. They tried and they made mistakes and they forgave each other, no matter what. And it wasn't comforting. It didn't help. Sam wanted to be able to feel angry. He knew he had the right to. The fact that he couldn't just made him even more helpless and he wanted to curl into a ball and forget about everything, but he couldn't.)

And then Dean died.

And then Dean was gone.

What purpose was there to everything that Sam had felt, to the agony of forgiving his betrayal, if Sam had to lose Dean the moment he felt himself able to trust him again ?

But by then, Sam knew how to live through the pain. He knew how to keep on fighting and he knew how to hunt, and so he hunt for Dean. He didn't care what it took. He didn't care what he had to do. He had tried to do the right thing, once upon a time, what already felt like a lifetime ago, and Dean had stopped him. Somebody was going to have to live with the consequences of that.

At least there was Castiel. Castiel, an angel that had become almost too human. Castiel, who had become a friend. Castiel, who tried to be there for Sam in his grief, whose touch lingered on his clothes, shyly, almost too lightly to be felt.

And Sam wasn't good to him. He wasn't. He was rude and snappish and frustrated, and he shrugged the other man's comfort like he hadn't done in a long time. Like he was back to thinking that he didn't deserve it.

But Castiel forgave him, as he always did. Sam had called him a friend, but in all the ways that counted he was family, and that included being familiar with the Winchesters' shitty way of handling any interpersonal conflicts.

So he forgave him.

And then they got Dean back, whole and human again, even if he was still unstable. They could handle unstable. That's all they had ever been.

All that counted anyway was that they were there for each other.

And Sam learned again. To trust and to let himself be touched. To indulge this simple form of wanting, this harmless need.

And their lives didn't get any easier. He almost let his brother kill him. They unleashed the Darkness. Sam had to face Lucifer again. He had to feel the touch he had come to trust get turned against him, watch Castiel's face turn in a smirk he knew all too well, had to feel that invasion again within his soul.

And then he had to keep going. Play nice, with the Devil, when his mere presence made his skin crawl and made him want to scream. But he did keep going.

And then they got their mom back. And that was... That was another can of worms altogether. Because Sam had never had a mom, not really. He only remembered her from pictures and from stories Dean had told him. And so part of him looked at Mary and saw all that he'd missed, and that part of him wanted to fold himself up until he was small enough to fit inside her arms and stay there. Let her chase the monsters hiding inside of his closet.

But there was another part of Sam, the part that had never needed a mom, the part that had had Dean, and Bobby, and Pastor Jim, and his dad on his better days, and the part that had raised himself into a person he was halfway proud of. And that part looked at Mary and saw a woman who was lost, confused, and a lot more broken than she'd been in any of Dean's stories. And yes, she was their mother, but Mary didn't know how to be Sam's mom anymore than he knew how to be her kid, and it hurt.

So he tried. And she tried as well. And they shared a cup of tea and a few lingering touches, on the hand or on the shoulder, but those were never enough to soften the craving inside of Sam. Instead, they just made him realize how easy it could all have been, how much he'd lost by never getting a chance to discover it.

And then they lost her, and they lost Cas, and suddenly there was Jack to care for and he was just a kid. Older than he should be, and smarter too, but still just a kid whose only knowledge of family came from before he was born, and Sam couldn't just leave him alone.

But it was hard. Being there for Jack, for this young man who reminded him so much of himself. He wanted to give him everything he'd never had, but it was all so hard.

There was a hole inside of him where grief festered, a wound that only ever healed halfway. Hope was growing on the edge of it like flowers through cracks in the sidewalk, and that was what he tried to focus on, but sometimes he just couldn't.

And Jack had seen almost nothing of the world, Sam couldn't let him seen how easy it was to be broken by it.

So, one night, he went to Dean's room. He could hear the tinny noise of music coming out of his headphones, and so wasn't surprised when his brother didn't answer his knock. He went inside anyway.

“What?” Dean confusedly asked, pulling his headphones halfway off.

“Nothing. You can put your music back on, I just... I just need...” Sam ran a hand over his face. He was so tired. He didn't know how to explain what he wanted, what he needed. He didn't want to have to explain. He didn't want to talk or do anything, just...

Ignoring Dean's confused stare, Sam sat down at the end of his bed. He took off his shoes, then climbed fully in, curling up as small as possible so he would fit on the narrow mattress alongside Dean's legs.

He let himself breathe.

There were a few seconds of silence, and Sam was sure that Dean was still very much confused, but it wasn't his problem any longer. He could just stay here for a while and stop thinking about everything. He was safe.

He felt a hand rest on his shoulders. “Come on Sammy.”

Sam closed his eyes more tightly. He just needed a bit more time. Just a little. He would be fine afterwards, he would leave Dean alone, he just needed a bit more time to put his edges back together, to find a way to see the flowers through the cracks.

“Come on. I'm not kicking you out, just... move up a little.”

Sam didn't reply, but he did uncurl slightly, dragging himself higher up the mattress so he was resting right besides Dean's hips where the other man was sitting up against the headboard.

“Yeah, that's it, that's... good. Just... okay.”

And yeah, Dean was still totally confused, and babbling a little, but he had also rested a hand against Sam's neck, and was softly running his thumb back and forth over his skin, and Sam could keep his eyes closed and keep quiet and just soak in the warmth of this moment for a while and that was...

That was good.

That was enough.

[bowlegsandbiceps]

Top 10 Favourite Characters

I was tagged by @not-a-natural-born-idjit and then flailed because they’re one of my absolute fave writers! (Seriously go to AO3 and read everything right now) 

Rules: list your favorite character from 10 different fandoms and tag 10 people

1. Castiel | Supernatural I know I flail a lot about Dean and I love Dean’s face but Castiel is my #1. He’s fierce and brave and impatient and selfless. I don’t know how a being that’s been around for millenia can be innocent but he is. I like how messy he is, and he can be such an effective antagonist without being the big bad. Any friction he has with The Winchesters is from disagreeing on the right course of action and as viewers we can decide who to side with because both are inherently good. It’s their decisions that cause problems and that is a much more compelling narrative than “this thing is just evil.” I ship him with Dean (duh) but also Sam occasionally and I’d honestly love to see some Cas/Rowena action.

2. Hannibal Lecter | NBC Hannibal/Hannibal-verse Long before NBC decided to grace us with the absolute masterpiece that is Hannibal, I have loved this character. I think I was 14 or 15 when I fell down the Thomas Harris rabbit hole and I’ve yet to find a more perfectly crafted psychopath. He’s so refined that you really can believe that no one would suspect him of being the Chesapeake Ripper. His crimes are heinous and many without feeling sensationalized. Harris was originally a crime reporter which I think gave him the ability to ground Hannibal in reality. I really liked how the TV show fleshed out the main points that in the books Clarice Starling and Will Graham continually have to remind people of which is that he does these things to amuse himself. It was really amazing to watch him set up the dominos and then stand back to let everyone else knock them all down. I ship him with Clarice or Alaina mainly but I LOVE me some murder!husbands. It’s the slowest of burns and I will bask in those flames forever.

3. Malcolm Bright | Prodigal Son First of all Tom Payne okay. Second of all, poor, sweet damaged Malcolm. I really like that he has that rich kid air about him but it’s super subtle. He’s obviously very damaged by his father (Martin Whitley is a good example of one of those over the top “legendary” killer characters, though Michael Sheen’s performance REALLY goes a long way to making that believable) and the show doesn’t make his mental illness the forefront of his character. Malcolm works and visits his family and occasionally dates very similarly to any other main character but he’s doing all these things with severe PTSD, anxiety and depression. He’s always portrayed as upbeat and determined to push through any handicaps his mental health issues might cause. There are also times when he can’t and those are shown not by concerned family and friends banding together to throw him in a treatment center but it’s usually him, white-knuckling through it or attempting to work it out on his own which is another extremely realistic portrayal of how people deal with trauma and depression. I ship him with OFC because he and Dani have ZERO chemistry (I’m sorry Brightwell people). I like the IDEA of him and Edrissa but no one is writing it and I can’t even really get MY head around how to write it so I feel this serious urge to PUT HIM WITH SOMEBODY but there’s not been anyone on the show I’ve seen him have real chemistry with yet. 

4. Tyrion Lannister | Game of Thrones I love Tyrion so much. I love him so much I named my cat after him. I loved him so much that I lived in CONSTANT. FEAR. that GRRM was going to kill him off at any moment. I like that despite everyone always thinking the worst of him he still does his best and not even with any intention of proving anyone wrong. He plays into their expectations with the booze and women but deep down he’s got a drive to be fair and especially kind to anyone who’s on the receiving end of pain and humiliation that are undeserved. He’s also fierce and clever enough to deliver crushing judgement and justice when deserved whether its through setting the wheels in motion or wielding the crossbow himself. I ship him with Sansa, shut up I know I just love the idea of them growing to love each other despite the rocky start.

5. Hermione Granger | Harry Potter HP was my first real brush with fandom. Like I’d been a Justin Timberlake fangirl since I was 12 and despite his level of fame the fandom was very small. When I started the series at 17 the breadth of content available was staggering. You could literally find ANY combination of ships you could fathom and it all ran the gamut from fluffy to downright depraved. I also find it interesting that while I like Hermione as a character in the books/movies she is far from my favorite character but she’s literally the only character I stan in the fanfic world of HP. I mainly shipped Hermione with Draco or Snape (forgive me I know it was a simpler time where we ignored everything problematic with certain kinks and narratives) and sometimes Harry. She’s such a strong female character that no matter who you pair her with the dynamic is going to be different and complex. 

6. Peeta Mellark | The Hunger Games While I relate to Katniss on a very personal level, the boy with the bread absolutely fuels my little fangirl heart. The pining from a young age. The complete disregard for his own safety or survival in the games. Selfless and just good to the core, his subsequent torture by the Capitol and Katniss’ carelessness with his feelings is like taking blow after blow. And when they strip his loyalty to Katniss and his district away it’s even more tragic because he was just this sweet kid who had a crush. UGH feels. I ship him with Katniss. I just really can’t see him with anyone else.

7. Alexander Hamilton | Hamilton THIS was one where i just identify SO. HARD. with Hamilton. While I definitely didn’t endure a childhood like his, I did end up transitioning from a blue collar upbringing to a white collar career and experience the same chip on my shoulder and drive to prove myself. And I too write like I am running out of time. I ship him with his wife or maybe Angelica a little.

8. Persephone | Greek Mythology Not sure if there’s a “fandom” for this persay but Tumblr went through a phase in the early 10s where there was a ton of meta about Persephone and how her narrative as a damsel stolen by Hades didn’t do her justice. The flipped the script and made her Queen of Hell, powerful enough to sway the God of Death and terrifying enough to keep him in line unlike all the other Gods that were sticking their dick in anyone and anything. It’s such an empowering narrative, a girl taken from everything she’s ever known seizes the opportunity to become a force to be reckoned with. I love it.

9. Gregory House | House M.D. I was going to say Sherlock here but I never really went hard for Sherlock either the movies or the BBC show. I loved the show but really more for the canon and meta which is only half the fandom life. With House, I just love that he is so unapologetically hateful to anyone he deems stupid. But he’s also earnest and good too with a heavy dollop of man pain... you know... my favorite *cough*Dean Winchester*cough* I ship him pretty exclusively with Cameron beacuse I really like the dynamic. Her hero worship/white knight complex his emotional constipation but fondness of her optimism and ideals. Great dynamic.

10. Edward Cullen | Twilight This is my favorite Trash Monkey character in my favorite trash monkey series. The books are horribly written, the movies are better but not by much. But goddammit something about his level of obsessive fuckery speaks to my girl lizard brain and I am just rooting for this sparkly idiot and his clumsy human jar of mayonnaise. I ship him and Bella because apparently the universe didn’t find the fact that he’s my favorite character in this series humiliating enough.

Tagging (please don’t feel obligated to participate if you don’t want to): @navajolovesdestiel @chevrolangels @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @castielific @rauko-is-a-free-elf @astral-almighty @only4myfandoms @ charlie-bradburi @notfunnydean @blowthatpieceofjunk

[amwritingmeta]

Hey! What’s your take on where Destiel’s headed with the end of the season? I’ve been unfollowing some people who have been very negative about the show. They’re allowed their feelings and opinions, of course, but I’m kind of at a weak point in my life right now and just can’t handle the negativity. I’m personally ready for the angst, and let’s face it, one of the reasons I love Destiel is because of their unhealthy dynamics.

Hi, love! 

Ohhh, good question. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, actually, (shocker I know) so getting to write it out is a good thing. I thank you! :)

I’m sorry that you’ve felt affected by the negativity you’ve seen, but I’m glad you made the decision to put some distance between that negativity and yourself. Self-care and being honest with yourself about what you want to and perhaps especially what you can and can’t handle is so important! And being able to recognise it and make that choice for yourself is an immense strength, so whatever point in your life you’re at and whatever brought you there, I hope you lean on that.

To your question! And, oh, the Destiel question complex, dude!

I’ll start out by saying that Destiel exists within the weave of this narrative as an important possibility for deepening the message of this narrative. 

I’ll add that I believe Dean and Cas were set up as romantic from the first episode of S4 (come hell or Eric Kripke bitchslapping me for reading too deeply into things) and that Cas was meant to be a catalyst for Dean beginning to see a reason to face his biggest fear, step out of the role of weapon and into his true identity, yeah? 

Okay, I’ll elaborate on that.

But first I want to say that, for all the Destiel meta I’ve posted on this blog, for all the Destiel focused analysis and the flailing and squealing and the tagging of the greatest love story ever told (through subtext) I feel I have tried to be clear about the fact that this narrative, as a whole, is not centred on our love story.

Bear with me, there’s a point to this statement and I assure you I believe Destiel will happen, because I believe the writers wouldn’t spend all that thought-power on baking in such delicious subtext if what they were striving for wasn’t to have that subtext brought into text and doing what it was always meant to do, which is deepen the message of the narrative as a whole. #daretodefy

(let me also be clear that me believing is not the same as me promising it will happen okay?) (I just have complete faith that it will) (let me outline why) (and if you don’t want an earnest and personal dissection of my way of analysing the narrative that is also rather unromantic, but lands in all the positivity, then please look away now!) :)

When reading the love story arc, I can’t dismiss or overlook the importance of the individual arcs for Dean and Cas, because Supernatural’s overarching themes are freedom, choice and identity, which are all interlinked, of course, and the characters are each of them playing a part in exploring these themes and are pushing for these themes to come together into a message related to freedom, choice and identity.

That’s how narrative structure works, yeah? 

I love these three men like they were my own. They live in my mind and have a piece of my heart and that’s not just me paying lip service. They’ve changed me, you know? Changed how I understand myself. So it’s not breezily I distance myself from them as people and look at them as basic narrative tools meant to help the writers make a statement about the world we live in and about how to live in it.

But that is what they are. That’s what they have to be in terms of narrative analysis. It’s all about asking the questions What does this mean for his progression? but also fitting that into What does this mean for the whole? How does this fit with what’s come before? And as far as speculation is concerned, landing in: What does that mean for what might follow? Yeah? Still with me? :P

So then, here’s the biggest thing that’s very easy to forget to underline when talking about Destiel: however real the love story is, this narrative does not exist for or revolve around the love story. 

I think this is so, so important to remember. 

The message of this series will be deepened if the love story is brought to surface text and the ginormaneous fuck you to the traditional (straiiiiiight) way of perceiving love and how love should be and how it should act and what it should look like is delivered by the end of S15. 

And the effectiveness of the delivery is determined by the fact that it’s a traditional white male hero set to act as symbol for leaving that closed-minded and societally conditioned bullshit behind.

But the love story, to me, is the bright red bow around the overarching thematic message of facing your internal fears and finding your way to who you truly are. Because that’s what freedom is. And it’s freedom begotten through trial and error. Through learning from your mistakes and all those choices you’ve made. Yeah? That’s the core of the show. That’s what we’re watching here. 

*and it is beautiful*

It’s also the thematic premise that unites the individual arcs of Dean, Sam and Cas, and now Jack as well. (but Jack is a mirror for all of them so his arc was bound to be a reflection, right?)

So when I think about what’s right for Destiel, first I look at where Dean and Cas are at in terms of this hugely important, overarching theme of identity, which is what is guiding their individual arcs towards a moment of catharsis. 

I just cannot believe that a show that has spent close to a decade and a half exploring the idea of individuation would bring its lovers together and have them make each other whole. 

I believe they need to first be whole in themselves, with all the self-worth that would bring on. 

Which is why all the enormous internal progression that’s been given to us over the last few seasons, particularly in Dean, but in Cas and Sam too, has been so exciting to me! Because it’s a push for them all to reach a moment of individuation. And for Dean and Cas, that means believing themselves worthy of love and happiness!

Which is why the love story is the bright red bow, yeah? Because through making it surface text and letting them finally get together they’re given this huge reward for doing all that internal work, right? 

And both of them reaching a point of individuation and laying the foundation for internal balance (because staying balanced is a continuing internal process of self-awareness and self-care) would be what allows the narrative to effectively send its message out to the world: let no one tell you who you are, you choose who to be, and good things await you if you dare to open yourself up to your true identity.

Well, then where are Dean and Cas at in their individual arcs as of 14x17? 

(um got long…) :)

Dean

Dean battled with toxic masculinity representatives pushing awareness on him all through S13, so when Michael came around, Dean could now recognise him for what he was - his shadow. 

Only, the awareness brought on an unconscious identity crisis that left Dean incapable of facing down his biggest fears and instead of engaging with the needed shadow work, Dean, in fear, decided to simply give up and give in and drown himself, because he couldn’t imagine what his identity could possibly be without this side to him pretty much in charge of him, yeah?

Taking control means admitting you’re out of control, and for someone so in need of control, admitting that you really don’t have any control over yourself is terrifying. So I get it. 

It’s just that Dean’s inability to engage in shadow work and opening up to being honest with himself about the imbalance within him led to his shadow infecting the regressed side to Dean that was always in most need of acknowledgement: his neglected inner child. (represented by Jack)

Here’s what Dean needs: to let Sam go. 

No, I don’t mean as in say goodbye forever and move cross country.

I mean, he has to let Sam be the adult he’s been for a very long time. He has to trust that Sam can take care of himself. Because even though I think Dean consciously recognises Sam as a grown man, unconsciously he is very, very stuck in the emotional patterns tied directly to Protect Sammy.

Dean sees Sam as his kid, and this was even underlined in 14x17 through how it opens on a board game Dean used to love as a kid before Mary died, and ends with Dean playing a game with his brother to keep him conscious.

Sam saying: You always put me first. Your whole life.

Honestly it continues to blow me away, because that exactly is the issue here. Dean never puts himself first. Ever. 

His purpose is still to Protect Sammy at all costs. 

And his neglected inner child is suffering for it, because Dean never had a childhood, and until he can admit to himself that Protect Sammy has damaged him in ways that he has to come to terms with, without feeling like he’s in any way betraying Sam, but rather opening up to acknowledging that neglected inner child, who is so starved for love and affection, Dean will never be able to confront his fears, expel them and in so doing integrate his shadow.

How exactly this is supposed to happen I wouldn’t dream of speculating on, but, to me, it does feel like this is what the narrative is circling for him. Because he’s aware of so many things. He’s aware of what the codependency has done to Sam and how it’s shaped his view on life and their joint purpose. 

If we die, we do that together. Yeah? 

And Dean doesn’t want that for Sam. And he’s tried to let go this season. And he’s tried to make Sam let go. But they keep coming back to well-worn paths, don’t they? And they still can’t find that balance in their relationship. Like how Dean just decided to leave Jack by himself in 14x16 and Sam’s annoyance at the deception, while Sam didn’t just step on Dean’s decision and override it in the moment, however much Sam was questioning it and disagreeing with it.

Oh, Sam. So much crap bottled up. Gah!

And then we can ask ourselves where Cas is at, and it’s an interesting at.

Cas

If you’ve taken a gander at my 14x08 meta on Cas and his shadow and the glory that is Carl Jung’s doctrine, then you know what I’m about to write, which is that Cas, at the start of S14, had come much further than Dean in his shadow work. In fact, the way I read S13 after Meredith Glynn planted the idea of a Jungian perspective on the narrative in my head is all to do with Cas doing a lot of shadow work and effectively reaching a point, at the start of S14, where he’s beginning to become truly self-aware.

The way he communicates with Jack about family and about belonging at the start of S14 is very different to the lost and rather adrift way he speaks about belonging with Mary in S12. Then Cas didn’t know if he truly fit in at the bunker, but now, and after the brothers markedly fought for him in 12x12, of course, he’s at a point where he’s actively referring to it as his home.

He also confronted the worst side to himself, his worst nightmare, a shadow representative in AU!Cas in S13, and not only killed this nightmare version, but acknowledge that he carries that nightmare version inside of himself.

So because Cas engaged in shadow work the moment he was confronted with his shadow representative (the Empty) in 13x04 and stood up to it and demanded his freedom, leading to all sorts of character progression throughout S13 and leaving him quite balanced at the start of S14, in 14x08, his shadow came to put a goddamn end to Cas’ growing self-worth and awareness, and the shadow came for the representative of that awareness for Cas: Jack. 

And Cas, instead of giving into his shadow and handing over awareness, made a deal, trading his happiness for remaining in control of himself. Rather than drown in his fears, he confronted them and said no, I’m not giving into you. 

But. 

One fear had to remain in spite of this confrontation and saying no. 

And it’s the biggest fear of all, for him as well as for Dean. And it’s the fear that stands in the way of either of them being able to fully open up to what they want for themselves.

What is it?

Indeed, it’s the fear of happiness. 

Now, it would be grand to say that happiness in all things for Dean and Cas are explicitly tied to them getting it on already. But I would gently argue that it actually isn’t. And if I’m right, because I might not be and if I’m wrong then, omg, bring on the smooches NOW, I really don’t mind, but if I’m right, then I believe it strengthens the love story, rather than weakens it in any way.

Because?

Because then the fear of happiness is tied into the series overarching theme of identity, which makes sense to me that it would be. And it ties right back around to the theory that for Dean and Cas to be happy together, they first have to be happy in themselves. To be together, they first have to answer the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be?

Essentially: What do I want?

So, real happiness is tied to them recognising and embracing their true identities. 

For Dean this is all to do with letting go of Sam as identity marker, letting go of Protect Sammy as life purpose, and putting himself first. (for once) There’s a helluva lot of baggage for him to rummage through to get there, because his entire self-worth has, for practically his whole life, been tied to taking care of and looking out for Sam. Yeah? So I’m curious, if I’m even in the ballpark with this reading and this is what really needs to happen before anything else can really happen, how the writers will approach truly breaking the codependency once and for all.

I’ve always had this sense that it’s on Sam to properly instigate it by stepping out from Dean’s shadow, and Sam is being a research God and getting shit done and solving problems like it’s nobody’s business so maybe… We shall see!

For Cas… Well, anyone following this blog will know what I’ve got to say about Cas and his true identity, yeah? 

For him to choose to cut out his grace and become human. 

Cas has gone through many stages in his progression, but I do believe he’s repressing his true want because it’s such an absolute affront to Heaven, to God, to the strict rule book of angel/human interaction that Cas has been brought up on. (so his conversation with Anael in 14x17 was just manna from Heaven to me) 

Choosing a human life, to him, isn’t anything he’s even considering and I think that’s actually telling, because he’s avoiding even the hint of happiness like the plague, and I believe humanity has always been where the root of happiness truly lies for him. Because it’s his true form, you know? Not this in between thing he is rn.

*still makes me want to cry that he called himself a thing*

I mean, the whole Making a Big Choice thing could be circumvented by the fact that Cas cutting out his grace is the same as him not having to fear happiness anymore, because as a human he doesn’t belong in the Empty. So he could essentially realise that he can free himself from the deal, and then, actually, understand (when the Empty shows to nab him in his happiest moment) that humanity is what he wanted for himself all along. Like holy fuck THIS is what happiness truly feels like. *personal freedooooooom* *individuatioooooon*

But I wonder at what would bring about such a choice - whatever the scenario -  with drama on the horizon, so I’m doubting this choice will happen this season. 

(if at all) (let me be clear) (human!Cas is just what I - and others with me! - see as the narrative push for his progression) (it’s not a 100% has to happen or bust) (I mean it kinda is to my mind and I’ll be hella curious to learn what the big turning point is for him if it’s not realising he doesn’t even really think of himself as an angel anymore) (I feel he’s been transitioning since S4 tbh) (from angel to man…)

Anyway, that was one helluva roundabout way of landing in an actual answer to your question. Phew! Sorry this got so very long!!

The answer to your question is that I’m not expecting any sort of textual Destiel before the end of this season.

I am, however, very excited to see exactly what the subtext is about to deliver with the next episode. And, well, I suppose what the text will deliver, too, because Dean is textually telling Cas that he’s screwed up badly enough that Dean is ready to threaten to shut him out of his life. I mean. Drama. Right?

And, look, the thing to take away is that everything is connected. 

The individual arcs are influenced by the joint arcs (Sam and Dean and Dean and Cas) and the joint arcs progress thanks to the growth happening in the individual arcs. 

The love story arc doesn’t exist in a vacuum all on its own, but I do believe its conclusion is the needed punctuation mark for both Dean and Cas’ individual journeys, because their individual progression would never have been what it is right now in the narrative without the other there to act as catalyst and northern star.

And you can see it. Because when you take one of them out of the story, the progression of the other stops dead in its tracks. And it’s something I’ve always loved the subtlety of. And it’s really what has me convinced beyond any doubt that there will be a satisfactory conclusion, too. It would leave such a hole if there wasn’t and I think the writers would feel it like a wound in the brain. 

(#daretodefy)

And hey, I think that the unhealthy dynamics between them - with the absolutely atrocious lack of communication in moments that truly matter at its core - are all about the unhealthy imbalance within. So fingers crossed they’re getting on that introspection train. They won’t lose the sass and the throwing bitch faces at each other, you know? The fact that they question the other’s choices is actually part of the healthy in their dynamic. But, yeah, man… if they could just know when to speak up and when to share and when to… 

Yeah.

:)

xx

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

1x12 “Faith” // 3x10 “Dream A Little Dream of Me” // 8x01 “We Need to Talk about Kevin”

“If the Tin Man Misses His Heart, So Does an Entire Show“ - On 14x01 “Stranger in a Strange Land” and the Thing about Hearts, Love and Faith

“That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex. [...] Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. You're not hungry, Dean, because inside, you're already...dead.”

- Famine to Dean in 5x14 “My Bloody Valentine”

---

I admit, it is rather weird to write a piece of meta on an episode underneath a gifset that doesn’t feature a single scene from said episode. It doesn’t for good reason though and that being the fact that iTunes doesn’t have the episode available here in Germany yet, so I couldn’t download it to make gifs, therefore this will have to do. I think though that these scenes above will illustrate well enough why I chose to use them in context to the S14 premiere. It’s plain and simple: To me they capture the essence of what this episode was about and to a huge extent in my personal opinion this episode was about one thing: Faith. Whether it was from Maggie mentioning a rawhead (the monster Dean killed in 1x12 “Faith” and almost killing himself in the process as well) the first man we saw Michael visit who started his day with praying to Mary trying to “keep the faith” that they’ll find Dean to Castiel expressing faith in Jack, who has lost it and the believe in himself to Sister Jo who seems to continue to work as a “faith healer” and saving people.

Faith, the very concept of it has always been something Dean as a character was shown to struggle with on Supernatural. Early on, from the very first season onward and especially set up with the episode 1x12 “Faith” that sees Dean close to dying with a damaged heart after having been electrocuted his’s faith or lack thereof has been an integral part of his journey as a character. In fact it has become a red line running throughout the seasons shining a light on Dean’s state of mind as well as perception of self.

Given all that the opening episode of S14 felt very interesting, because imo it called back to its roots and the episode 1x12 “Faith” as that episode not only truly established the heart symbolism surrounding Dean that has been focal point time and again over the course of 13 years, but also marked Dean’s special place within the grand scheme of things which has always lead all the way to Michael, who of course at present is calling the shots.

And here is where these aspects intertwine rather well, because imo the heavy focus on the heart in 14x01 with Kip for example talking about “eating Sam’s heart out” feels especially striking because Dean is absent. Dean, the tin man, lost his heart, his agency, has become a mere puppet to Michael’s will. And along with Dean essentially losing himself to me the show has lost it’s core, his heart too and that was strikingly showcased this episode.

Now, I know many people are going to hate me for saying this, but to me this set up makes one thing perfectly clear: Supernatural cannot work without Dean (which is why Dean is never allowed to not be around for longer periods at a time), because it lacks its heart, the PoV character, the narrator, the one who is holding everything together - and with that also has become the one who has steadily fallen apart due to the weight he carries on his shoulders, because he never once has put himself first or believed he mattered (and frankly ever since that god awful scene at the end of S12 with Dean trying to save Mary by going inside her mind also was plain shown that he indeed doesn’t seem to matter as a person in his own right, but only in extension to someone else) and with that thought he deserved to be saved.

To me this first episode spelt out perfectly the only way Dean should be able to “beat” Michael in the long run (I assume that even though Dean may appear “saved” but really won’t be - I guess they will play up some parallels between Nick and his possession and the aftermath for him with Dean, though frankly this whole thing was the most stupid move, because the vessel Lucifer inhabited was artificially made by Crowley and had nothing to do with Nick anymore, so... duuuhhh + if they needed this for dramataic purposes, Dean sharing with Sam those experiences would have made more sense and would be much more meaningful, but anyway...) lies in the small but important fact of Dean finding self worth and love for himself. The episode has shown one thing clearly and that is that Michael is completely unable to grasp the concept of what love means, it escapes him or at the very least annoys and bewilders him. Just like Lucifer never knew what Baby could trigger for Sam in 5x2 “Swan Song” neither understands Michael the meaning of love. And especially so if it is love for someone else. The only thing he knows about that is how he can use it to manipulate people and that’s how he was able to get Dean too after all.

And here is where I found Michael’s question to his counterparts interesting (though I quite frankly had to roll my eyes at Dabb here too, because really? Now even so obviously reference/steal from Lucifer from “Lucifer” and his “what do you desire?”-style), because every single time, every single answer featured love for someone else and belonging in some fashion, things Michael obviously seems to despise and count as a weakness (he is very Voldemort in that regard actually...) unless it is directed at oneself.

What do I mean with that? Obviously, Michael had asked Kip the question of “what he wants” as well and after some thinking he had come to the conclusion, a very selfish one: Everything. Well, as one says that’s how the mighty fall, but what I felt important in this context is how Kip managed to “survive” Michael and how Michael befriends a vampire at the end of the episode (for its “pure” reasons - lots of callbacks and parallels to purgatory with Dean and Dean and famine here, which I can’t possible work into this text right now, but there are a few fitting things in these storylines relevant to the current set up). They both think of themselves, put themselves first, “love” themselves if you will and THAT is something very strikingly different to Dean, because Dean doesn’t care about himself, doesn’t put himself first and truly has no love for himself. That is exactly why imo Michael has such a strong hold over him, why Michael could overpower Dean. It’s based in Dean’s lack of self worth and that aspect to is directly connected to faith - faith as such as well as the episode from S1.

More than once on the show it was addressed that Dean doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. Be it due to what he did in Hell or plain and simple due to the fact he thinks no one could or should ever love him. I truly think that is why Dean is so vulnerable to be overpowered by Michael, because in opposition to Dean Michael has all the love for himself but none for anybody else. He is self confident to the point of arrogance and being a complete megalomaniac, but point is, he feels worthy. That’s where he draws strength from. Dean on the other hand feels the opposite, has never learnt to form a healthy image of self. That is where to me the aspects of purity and hunger come into play here and especially so Famine’s words to Dean, because even though it is 9 years later, Dean doesn’t feel any different really, he never healed but only accumulated more scars, more trauma, more reasons to hate himself. He has been deeply depressed for a long time and shown to be tired and at the end of his rope, ready to lay his head to rest. Amara to echoed these sentiments previously said by Famine, that Dean feels empty. And well, doesn’t someone who feels empty and despises himself allow all the more room as a literal vessel for someone to inhabit?

So what does it all come down to? My personal takeaway from this episode was that there is only one way to “save” Dean and that is by Dean saving himself. And that may be the hardest part, because as all of the gifs capture above Dean struggles to see himself as worthy to be saved, as important and lovable, because he simply doesn’t feel any of those things for himself. But if I was part of the writing team, this aspect would be the vital aspect for Sam, Jack and Co. to get Dean back, getting Dean to build up his own self worth, loving himself and with that becoming strong enough to fight Michael off who really doesn’t know humanity at all. Dean’s love for his loved ones has proven to “move mountains”, who knows what he could move if he had found just a shred of that immens capacity to love for himself...