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sundeity4 · 3 years

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I've recently become aware of npd and it's symptoms and it didn't occur to me that it could overlap with aspd or things like that

ive been managing my whole life based on rules I've made up for myself after seeing what was being labeled "bad" or "immoral" because clearly Those ppl have a hard time and that's not what I wanted for myself. and so they help me manage I how I treat and interact with ppl, too. It's all intellectualized, ya know?

and it's occuring to me now as an adult that outside these rules and socially acceptable facades I'm not sure who I am/how I'd behave. I've been laughing at stuff I don't find funny for so long idk what my actual sense of humor is anymore cuz the fake laugh is so reflexive. things like that.

tbh I attributed it to Heavy dissociation, I feel so numb daily unless something really catches my attention. And Im a lot™ when I'm upset tho and honestly, the rules I have are also to help keep myself in check when I Am upset or overwhelmed. I don't Get a lot of myself. and No diagnosis seem to fit cuz I have no idea what's Me and what's... whatever is wrong with me. so it's hard to determine what is a symptom or what it isn't which makes the experience doubly hard to describe.

but some tests I took online did have me score high for things like npd and aspd. So idk. I guess my question is how did you know it was those 2 dx? I guess, instead of something else?

actually anon, i have bpd not aspd or npd :") so im not so sure how helpful i'll be here, since i cant give you any personal anecdotal information.

but, when diagnosing a personality disorder, its good to keep in mind that the symptoms are present at all times, not in episodes, the symptoms are present since adolescence, and the symptoms impact your daily life. and always go by the DSM 5 criteria (if you're in america). heres the dsm 5 criteria for aspd:

Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I maintain my self-esteem (and often define myself) from personal gain, power, or pleasure.

My goals are often self-oriented, and I have difficulty considering how the consequences affect others.

I have difficulty understanding or relating to the ideas, feelings, or behaviors of others. (low empathy)

I have difficulty maintaining close relationships unless I am in a dominant position.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check SIX or more of the following:

I often try to make myself more influential over people and situations. I like to be in control.

I am often unable to understand how my actions or words can harm others.

I find I can be a dishonest person, either in how I present myself to others, or I’ll twist the truth of stories I tell.

I experience persistent or frequent feelings of anger or irritability.

I often find myself in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities without regard for the consequences.

I am impulsive and often act on things without thinking or planning.

I often fail to take care of responsibilities and keep promises.

__ / 7

Section IV Must check THREE or more of the following:

I fail to conform to social norms and rarely do what is expected of me.

I compulsively lie when it benefits me.

I find it difficult to make plans for the future.

I have difficulty maintaining feelings of anger or irritability.

I am rarely concerned for my own safety or well-being.

I am often unable to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.

I don’t often feel regret, and I am often unable to feel remorse when I have wronged someone.

__ / 7

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adolescence, and some traits have been persistent since childhood.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

My symptoms are persistent and not triggering by a symptom from another mental disorder.

At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in ASPD patients.

If you did NOT meet the minimum but relate to many of the symptoms listed, check out conduct disorders. If you feel you related to some of the symptoms, but feel many of your symptoms weren’t listed, try anxiety disorders, neurodevelopmental disorders, and depressive disorders. If you cleared Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum, look into other personality disorders.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors associated (not required for diagnosis):

I often don’t feel anxious, even in situations where I should feel anxious.

Some of my behaviors are a means of self-preservation.

I have gotten in trouble with the law on a few occasions.

I have difficulty reading social cues.

I find I am often unable to finish tasks.

I often view people in the style of a hierarchy.

I believe everyone is only really out for themselves.

I am incredibly opinionated.

I experience dysphoria, in which I feel my body is not my own.

I often feel very tense and restless.

I am unable to tolerate boredom.

I am very often depressed.

I define myself by my accomplishments and gains.

I have considered or attempted suicide.

I find I rarely get stressed out, even in incredibly stressful situations.

__ / 15 and heres the dsm 5 criteria for npd: Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have identity issues, and I depend on others in order to define myself. My self-esteem depends on others as well. How others view me influences how I view myself, which is why I try to present myself as important or powerful.

I have difficulty settings goals for myself, and how I set them really depends on the praise I receive from others. I tend to set goals unrealistically high in order to see myself as exceptional, or contrarily too low so I can feel more powerful when the task is easy.

I struggle to identify with the feelings and needs of others, and I tend to underestimate the effect I have on others.

I have unstable relationships. I can become so focused on my own anxieties and problems I forget the needs of my partner.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check BOTH of the following:

I can be self-centered, and I feel entitled to good treatment from others, as I am dependent on it.

I like to be the center of attention, and I seek admiration from others.

Section IV Must check FIVE or more of the following:

I tend to exaggerate my achievements and talents and like to be praised for them.

I am often preoccupied with fantasies of my own success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love life.

In a way, I believe I am “special” and unique, and I like to surround myself with other people who are “special” and unique.

I require excessive admiration.

I set unreasonable expectations for both myself and the people around me.

I tend to take advantage of situations and am opportunistic.

I struggle with empathy and have a difficult time relating to others.

I am often envious, and I covet what other people have.

I can have an arrogant or haughty attitude.

__ / 9

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adulthood or earlier.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors (not required for diagnosis):

I can have either low or high self-esteem. I find it depends on the people I’m with and how they’re treating me at the time.

I tend to overestimate myself, which can often lead to disappointing myself.

I can become anxious and spiral into a depression if I don’t receive praise or admiration.

I hate being alone for too long.

I find I compare myself with others often, having no other means of defining myself unless I can use someone else as sort of a “measuring tape.”

I often feel incredibly misunderstood by others.

I find I like to have the Best of everything. The newest electronic, the most expensive brand of something, etc.

I like to constantly be moving up and making progress and can become obsessive with it.

When talking myself, I tend to ramble.

I think a lot of people are jealous of me.

I am incredibly sensitive to criticism. I don’t usually show it outwardly, but being criticized can leave me feeling humiliated, degraded, and empty.

When upset, I tend to withdraw from others.

I find being competitive is very difficult for me because there is a chance of losing.

I am often depressed and/or anxious.

I try to read people’s weaknesses while hiding my own.

__ / 15

If you did not meet the minimum criteria for this checklist, you may want to look into anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. If you experience the symptoms above but only in episodes and not persistently, you may want to look into Bipolar Disorder. (Narcissistic traits could be a side effect of a manic or hypomanic episode.) If you met the criteria for Sections II and V but not the others, you may want to look into other personality disorders. both DSM 5 lists taken from Shit Borderlines Do

i hope this helps!

#text #ask #anonymous #aspd #npd #i speak

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johannstutt413 · 4 years

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The Doctor sat patiently in the chair as Warfarin went about the preparations for his weekly Oripathy examination. As a scientist (in a way) himself, knowing that the renowned Dr. Blood was willing to perform these routine examinations was humbling - after all, the advancements in hematology with minimal assistance…Of course, some of that might be thanks to her vampirism, but that had never bothered him.

“Everything is in place,” she announced amidst the Doctor’s contemplations. “You’re ready as well, I assume?”

“Correct...Warfarin, can I ask you a personal question?”

As she walked over to him with a needle, Warfarin nodded. “Of course.”

“I understand that you often drink blood from bags,” he mused, “but without them, you’d have to drink directly from the subject, if I’m not mistaken?”

“You’re not...If you wish to continue this discussion, maybe it should wait until I’ve drawn the necessary sample.”

The Doctor acquiesced. “Sure. Can I ask a different question?”

“Quite inquisitive today, aren’t you?” She sighed as she delicately stuck the needle into his arm. “Usually my patients refuse to converse, doing their best not to look terrified - or, of course, they’re incapacitated, but that’s neither here or there. What else are you wondering?”

“I was looking through the disciplinary documentation, and apparently you’re not allowed to come near me in a non-medical context for some reason...could you tell me anything about that?”

Warfarin took a sharp breath. “Another question that should wait a moment.”

“As you wish.” He watched her as she stared at the needle, a strange look in her eyes. “Hmm.”

“What is it?”

The Doctor smiled. “Nothing that can’t wait.”

“Well then.” She removed the needle and set a clump of absorbent material over the now-leaking hole. “Pressure. A few more minutes, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course.” His hand brushed hers for a moment...It was surprisingly warm, despite the rumors.

When Warfarin returned with a bandage, she seemed nervous to the Doctor. “Compression applied. Normally this would mean you must leave my office immediately, but as this contact is being made of your own volition, it should be okay. Perhaps, to be safe, we should start with the second question, so you understand the risks.”

“Risks?” Light danced behind the Doctor’s eyes. “Warfarin, what do you mean?”

“The restraining order was put in place because...because I want your blood, Doctor.” She took a seat on a rolling stool next to the patient’s chair, her hands pressing into her lap.

He leaned forward. “Is that unusual? You sustain yourself on blood and have devoted yourself to researching its properties as both a Sarkazian scientist and a sort of vampiric sommelier, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Sommeli-” Shock joined the mix of emotions in her glances. “You read those papers?”

“Sarkazians interest me greatly - the variety of body types would suggest you’re not a single race after all, but a coalition of different races classified as such by the fearful and unscientific, and the vampire branch in particular...Besides, your opinion is important to me, both in scientific fields and other things.”

Warfarin averted her eyes. “This must be a result of your amnesia, Doctor, because I don’t believe you could feel this way if you knew all the things I attempted-”

“Let me guess.” The Doctor stepped out of the patient’s chair and perched himself on another stool, closer to the vials of blood, which he moved back to Warfarin as she once again avoided looking at him. “Despite your best efforts to restrain yourself, there’s some chemical combination in my circulatory system that triggers a primal response from you - you have to have a taste, but you know that once that first drop crosses the threshold, there would be nothing to stop you from draining me dry, and yet the sheer force of this urge pushed you to acts that go against Rhodes Island’s ethical policies. The old me, or perhaps those in charge of ensuring his safety, saw this as too great a risk to my health, and so they prohibited all unnecessary contact between us. How much of that is true?”

“...All of it. If only I could isolate the compound that makes you smell so delicious- no, no, I shouldn’t think like that. I know I wouldn’t be able to contain myself.”

He smiled. “You’re doing a good job of it now, aren’t you?”

“I...” She forced herself to look at him. “Doctor, I think you should leave.”

“And I think I should stay. My first question remains - how do you feed from a person directly?”

Warfarin was silent for a moment before she started stamping her feet against the ground. “No, no, no, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening!”

“Warfarin.” His voice was authoritative but coaxing, as if he were trying to convince a child to relinquish a toy. “Warfarin, it’s okay. Just answer the question for me.”

“I would use my teeth to cut into somewhere on your body, preferably hairless, and lick and suck on the wound as it bleeds. As my name suggests, my saliva is a natural anticoagulant...Doctor, please go. This teasing is too much for me to handle.”

He rolled close enough to grab her hand. “It’s not teasing, Warfarin. I want to know what I’m signing up for.”

“Signing up?” Her eyes widened. “Doctor, have you not been listening?”

“You seem to have forgotten what I can do; if your actions become life-threatening, I am more than capable of removing the danger. I trust you to know both my limits and yours, though.”

Warfarin simply stared. “Why? What gives you such confidence in me?”

“It’s simple, really - I know your work.” He moved closer with each sentence. “I know how much your body will let you drain from me, and it’s not enough to be harmful.” Inches from her face at this point. “And most importantly, I find the idea of you feeding from me so attractive that I can’t force myself away.” Saying that, the Doctor went in for the kill, kissing her square on the lips.

She wasn’t just warm - she was feverishly hot. Rather than reciprocate, Warfarin pushed him away, their stools amplifying the force and leaving them on opposite sides of the office.

“I can’t.” She weakly asserted.

“Can’t or won’t?” He started rolling back towards her. “What’s stopping you? I’m willing, and we’d both enjoy it, so what keeps you wanting to hold back?”

Warfarin shook her head. “If I let the pleasure of feeding become entangled with romance, I’ll end up like the others of my kind - insatiable, relentless predators who commit unspeakable acts to keep their cold hearts feeling some kind of adrenaline rush.”

“You seem pretty warm to me.”

“Stop it! I’m serious!” She crossed her arms. “This is as much for your own good as it is mine.”

The Doctor glanced at the door and back to her. “You can’t simply use me as your sole meal provider?”

“I need to drink three liters of blood in a day to maintain normal functions. That would kill you.”

“What about if you synthesized artificial blood using mine as the model?” He smiled. “I know you could do that with the facilities on base.”

Warfarin sighed. “You are pushing far too much for this to happen for you to be in a healthy state of mind-”

“I’m not.”

“Huh?” She blinked. “You know you’re in an excited state, then?”

The Doctor, his usual uniform hanging from the door, wearing a red T-shirt, couldn’t hide anything from her at this point. “You’ve brought me to this excited state, Warfarin. Now that I’ve had a taste of you, I don’t want to stop.”

“Doctor...Now you understand, then.”

“Just- just one more kiss, please, that’s all I’m asking for.” He grabbed his head in his hands. “Just the one, and I promise, I’ll-”

Warfarin stood from her stool, growing agitated herself. “You feel it now, don’t you? The inexplicable desire, the primal imperative, the cravings. It’s unbearable, isn’t it?”

“Just...just one more...please...”

“I have been fighting the urge for months while you were in that clinic in Chernobog, forcing myself to stay here while your body was just lying there, hooked up to IVs and all sorts of life support.” She wrung her hands. “It would have been so easy, so so easy to just take what I wanted, but I kept my distance for your sake. You’ve kissed me before, you know.”

He shook his head. “Impossible, I’d remember something like this.”

“Through complete loss of identity to the point of having to relearn how to use a computer? I’m not surprised you forgot, considering how much you struggled the first and second times. The third was less coercive, but by then, they had you under lock and key...Now, you come to me, offering yourself on a silver platter, afflicted with the same curse of desire I’ve felt for years, and you expect me to relent so easily?”

“You don’t have to drink my blood, then,” he muttered, “just let me hold you, caress you, feel your heat against my skin...”

Warfarin smiled. “To think this is the reward for my patience. Doctor, I’m offering you one more chance to escape.”

“Escape what?!” The Doctor leapt to his feet, hands balled into fists. “Go back to my daily life a tortured soul? Hmm? Are you so sadistic that you want me to suffer for the harm another, more foolish personality in this body caused you? Could you be so cruel after the oaths you’ve taken? Could you?!”

“I could be...oh, who am I kidding.” She pounced, picking him up and tossing him onto the patient bed and following shortly thereafter.

The delight in his eyes was infectious. “Finally, you’ve come to your senses!”

“Oh, no, Doctor.” There was no mistaking the hungry stare now. “I’ve completely lost them. All thanks to you.”

Considering what happened that afternoon, the fact that the Doctor was able to walk out afterwards with nothing but a dull headache spoke to his resilience; the further reality that he left to carry Warfarin off to his room announced the breakdown that had already begun. This was a star-crossed love if ever there had been one...and somehow, for all the catastrophizing the two of them would do over the next week as they debated coming clean, things turned out alright. Kal’tsit was reluctant to revoke the restraining order, but after the Doctor’s reaction to this news was noticeably more dangerous to his health then the alternative, she assigned him a counselor and relented. Warfarin became his personal assistant, continuing her research from his office, and those who knew her said that she was substantially more satisfied with life. Somehow, they salvaged a happy ending from something so accursed...

This Doctor’s tale is a cautionary one - after all, most Sarkaz vampires are far less noble in their intentions and means.

#arknights #warfarin (arknights)#this is why monster girls are dangerous #you don't need the suck that much trust me #arknights fic

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sixwheelriker · 4 years

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[ME/CFS in the time of Pandemic long kvetch]

I’ve seen several posts on facebook so far from friends talking about what they’re gonna do when all of this is over, i.e. what will they do once they’re “free” again to go out as much as and where they want. And I understand why they’re making those posts, and I think they’re a good idea, just like it’s a good idea to talk about how badly they’re feeling about everything they’re missing out on right now and coming up - expressing these feelings is important for processing them, and important for their mental health.

But I will say here that it’s been really hard for me to see and hear as someone who is functionally housebound and can’t really handle visitors beyond weekly nurse and carer visits (both suspended for now while I’m isolating for my protection). My day to day life is, for the most part, not any different beyond having a harder time getting the groceries I need delivered, going to the mail room at 8 pm instead of 2 pm, and not having the carer and nurse in once a week (and I’ve only had those things for a year at this point, so I know I can survive going months without vacuuming or cleaning my kitchen or eating foods I don’t have energy to prepare... it sucks, but it’s not new and I can deal).

I have been mourning all the things I can’t do and must miss for years now, and I know how hard it is and how much it sucks to have to miss out on the things that matter. But I also went through (and continue to go through) that process knowing that there is no going back; there is no “when things improve”, there is no “when this is over”. I’ve learned not to make any plans that can’t be cancelled, and for the most part the only friendships I’ve sustained are with people who accept that I will have to cancel on attending things last minute most of the time and who still invite me anyway for the occasional times when I CAN make it. This isn’t changing, and a lot of the time the only way to cope with how bad that feels is to just not feel it. It might sound unhealthy but my therapist, pain psychologist, psychiatrist, and other health care providers know and agree that practicing radical acceptance and trying to look at the good and not the bad is pretty much gonna be the core of my coping strategy. DBT approach over CBT.

So it’s hard, to see reminders every day that this is not a temporary state for me. How many people who are able to do all kinds of things at home to stay active and occupied, who can take walks, who even now have more options than I do, find this way of living intolerable and say as much, repeatedly, on their social media accounts and in chats and texts.

And as I said, they have every right to feel like they do, and to talk about it, so I don’t want to say anything to shut that down or make them feel badly for feeling how they feel or expressing it. I talk to my therapist every week (online) about a lot of the things I deal with for that reason, this included - so that I don’t talk to THEM about it. I may have shot myself in the foot a little bit with that... I don’t think most of them really have a sense of the reality of how I have to live.

I technically have severe ME and I don’t even like saying that out loud, much less to someone besides myself, and I can’t even type it or say it without crying. I’m scared and very lonely and I’m trying my very best to cope with the reality of being functionally housebound and unable to do much more than lie in bed, and right now my ability to do that is being severely tested. No one is rubbing my face in it, so to speak, but the situation sort of is, if that makes sense. This pandemic has created circumstances that force me to be reminded every day that this is my normal, and that when this pandemic passes - assuming of course that I manage to not get covid-19 - nothing will really change except the carer will be back, and maybe the nurse to resume my saline IVs, and getting the groceries I need won’t be so hard.

Just writing all this out was helpful but it’s also gonna wipe me out for either the rest of today or one of the days later this week. And it sucks. And I really just... think I needed to be able to say to someone who isn’t a doctor how much it sucks (even if ‘someone’ is the internet void). I don’t think I have anyone in my life who has an accurate sense of what my life is like who isn’t a medical professional and that sucks, too.

So if anyone has actually read this far (thank you and also, wow!), thanks for ‘listening’.

#mecfs #me/cfs #myalgic encephalomyelitis #severe ME #chronic fatigue syndrome #covid 19 #novel coronavirus #coronavirus #housebound

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geewithluv · 4 years

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ESOTERIC [two]

ESOTERIC: intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest.

The ins and outs of the prominent gang, Bangtan, can seem esoteric to the general population that is most affected by their actions.

Ｓｙｎｏｐｓｉｓ： ❝ Jimin is going to take over Bangtan after Hitman falls ill. Not feeling confident that Jimin is ready, Hitman pulls in the pacifistic daughter of a (now deceased) close associate. Kit hasn’t been around Bangtan for years, but now she’s forced to in order to help the remaining members of her family. ❞

Ｐａｉｒｉｎｇ：Jimin x Female OC (ft. the rest of BTS, Bang PD, members of Seventeen & BlackPink)

Ｇｅｎｒｅ：mafia!au, some fluff & some angst

Ｗａｒｎｉｎｇｓ： cursing, death from illness, mentions of death by gun violence, anxiety attack

ＷｏｒｄＣｏｕｎｔ：4k

ｍａｓｔｅｒｌｉｓｔ [part one]

Kit woke up later than she would have preferred. As much as she tried to keep her sleep schedule consistent no matter when she was working, her body always seemed to betray her wishes for a stable sleep cycle. With a yawn, she stumbled into her kitchen, turning the TV on as she passed it. “I could’ve sworn I bought more tea.” Kit grumbled to herself as she glared at the empty glass jar that should contain packets of teabags. But not a single packet sat in that jar, not even the tea she had disliked but kept around for when she had seemingly forgotten her addiction-esque need for the beverage.

“Late last night popular restaurant, Ossu Seiromushi, went up in flames and the local fire department is still trying to contain the situation. The cause is currently unknown. Please be sure to avoid 4th street during your morning commute as it will be blocked off while firefighters attempt to control the blaze.”

Kit hated the morning news anchors voice but this time she let herself drown in the soundwaves coming from her television. She rubbed any remaining sleep from her eyes to look at the video playing and the headline written in the bold black text at the bottom of the screen. “Holy shit.” She whispered as she realized she wasn’t dreaming. The restaurant is burning to the ground. Bangtan’s restaurant. Who knew what else was in there besides food and very expensive cutlery?

“There’s at least a 5 grand in cash currently taking its final form as a pile of ashes on the damn floor! That’s not even mentioning all the other shit that’s gone because of this! I don’t know if I should hope everything in there is completely burned beyond recognition because the last thing we need is a federal investigation.” Jimin paced around the spacious office in the Bangtan estate. It’s not even 7:30 A.M. and they’re already being reminded that they’re sustained by crime. Taehyung holds the firm belief that it’s much more of a 10 A.M. reminder.

“Who the hell set Ossu Seiromushi on fire?” Yoongi was hardly awake, trying not to completely slump over in the cushioned armchair.

Namjoon speaks up. “No one knows if it was even set on fire or if it just--”

“Don’t even finish that sentence.” Jimin is quick to cut him off. “We all know a fully up-to-code and functional restaurant doesn’t just start randomly burning to the ground at 2 A.M..” The shrill sound of his cell phone ringing makes Jimin groan as he presses the green button. “What is it?”

“I know it’s 7 in the morning, but would it kill you to sound a little more pleasant?” Kit’s voice came through the other line as Jimin sits down in the leather chair behind the large custom wooden desk. “What the hell is going on at the restaurant?” Kit continued realizing Jimin wasn’t going to answer her remark.

“You tell me. Seokjin, Jungkook, and Hoseok are there now waiting for an answer.” Jimin glides his hand across the sleek surface as Yoongi, Taehyung, and Namjoon watch him intently. “You’re only a few blocks over aren’t you? You didn’t hear or see anything?”

“A few blocks is pretty far, Jimin.” Kit scoffed. “And I didn’t because I was sound asleep at 2 A.M.. Some of us have actual jobs that require us to have a schedule and--”

“Save your 8 to 10 hours and circadian rhythm rant. I’m coming over.” Jimin stood up, making the three other men jump up as Jimin yanked open a desk drawer, grabbing a few things and shoving them in various pockets.

“You absolutely are not! What makes you think that you can just come over whenever you feel like it?” Kit huffed, Jimin smirked imagining her practically stomping around her apartment trying to put things away and ‘clean up’ for him despite her apartment being cleaner than any private residence he had ever been to.

“The fact that you’re a few blocks away from where I need to be right now, the fact that I won’t take no for an answer and the overwhelming fact that you only pretend to be annoyed when I invite myself over.” Jimin grabbed his car keys as he left the office. “You guys stay here, wait for the others to give word. If anything happens, call me. ASAP.” Jimin pointed at the three men who were silently hoping he stayed a little longer so they could hear more of his conversation with Kit. How often did he go over to see her anyway? Nevertheless, the slam of the front door shutting, meant they weren’t going to get any more information.

“Think they’re fucking?” Yoongi crossed his arms before slumping back in the armchair, he runs his fingers through bleach blonde strands of hair falling into his heavy eyes.

“Kit? Having casual sex? Didn’t think you were a comedian.” Taehyung laughed.

“Maybe it’s not so casual.” Namjoon suggested with a shrug, sitting across from Yoongi.

“You think Jimin’s going to commit to one pussy?” Yoongi moved one of his rings around his finger, a pathetic attempt to stay distracted from sleep calling his name.

“Maybe, he’s gotta mature if he’s going to run this thing.” Namjoon was correct but no one would admit that it would eventually become time for Jimin to really commit to leading, and that meant he needed to think more about everything he did. Every decision could be life or death for over a dozen people.

No one wanted to think about that.

“You’re obviously sleep deprived.” Taehyung snickered.

Kit and Jimin stand in her bedroom looking out the window. They were able to see smoke rising just off in the distance.

“How much do you think you guys lost?” She asked after a few minutes of standing in silence.

“We. You’re in this thing too, even if you refuse to say it aloud.” He glanced over at her quickly before he cleared his throat. “In dollars, we’ve lost 10 grand at the very least. Probably much more. A new shipment just came in.”

“Is Jin okay? I know he really loved it. Front for deals or not. It was still a working restaurant.” Jimin nearly winced, she was too nice. He worried about it being a downfall. He also winced as he realized that he had not even thought to ask Jin how he felt.

“He’ll get over it. He can’t afford to dwell. None of us can. We found out who did it, we make them pay, we move on.” He stated simply. Kit turned on her heel to face him. “Don’t look at me like that.” Jimin sighed.

“Like what? Like I don’t want anyone to get hurt?” Her dark eyebrows furrowed.

“Don’t look at me like you think you can stop me from doing what I have to do. Don’t look at me like you think I’m better than this.”

“You are better than this, though. You don’t have to hurt anyone.”

“How can you think the world is so simple, kitten?” Jimin turned to face her. “You’re so…” he trailed off, thinking for a moment as a hundred words to describe her flood his brain and threaten to pour out his mouth, “optimistic.”

“Maybe you’re just a pessimist.”

A flicker of a smile as he looks into her eyes. “Maybe.” He let out a deep breath. “I don’t know how the hell you’re going to handle this shit. This is light work.”

“I can handle a whole lot more than you’d think.” Kit looked at the ground, her hair falling into her face. There’s an implication that doesn’t get to be addressed as the ding of Jimin’s phone fills the otherwise silent room.

“I need to get back, you coming?”

“You know I don’t like--” Kit cuts herself off, something in my mind tells her to go against the usual. “Yeah. I’ll come.” She said. Jimin raised an eyebrow in surprise as she grabbed a pair of shoes.

Kit finds the meetings to be more than boring. They’re worse than the ones at the hospital when the protocol changes. So, instead, she finds something else to do. Usually opting to clean up around the large home since the guys won’t do it themselves and had apparently had a recent bad experience with a cleaning crew. So they’ve settled for hardly cleaning.

She hummed softly to herself as she passed the master bedroom, well, almost passed it. She had become used to passing it and hearing the steady beeping of the heart monitor and the IV drips.

Nothing.

Complete and utter silence as she walked by except for her own mindless humming. She felt a sinking feeling, the same one that made her stop working the ICU and Trauma floors at the hospital. The feeling of knowing that it’s over. She knows, she knows before she actually knows, before she opened the door and stood in the room and looked at the heart monitor that had been unplugged by the man who wanted to spend his final moments in silence. She couldn’t blame him, who would want to die having to hear their heart slow to a stop.

She knew he was dead before she saw all these things. She had known it was coming. Everyone knew it was coming. She didn’t even like the man all that much. She had blamed him for years for the way her life had played out. But she still found herself on the floor and a scream leaving her body because it’s the only sound she could make before her face became drenched in wet sadness.

“Kit! Kit!” Her name is being called throughout the house as 7 men fear for the girl’s safety only to realize that she might be the safest she’s ever been. On the ground gasping for air as she sobs. Namjoon is the first one in the room before he calls out to the others. He knows there’s nothing to be done so he moves to Kit, grabbing her by her waist and pulling her up and out of the room as 6 other people run in.

“He’s dead!” She shrieked, thrashing around in the tall man’s arms as he takes her into the front of the house, nearly tossing her onto the sofa.

Jungkook and Hoseok don’t even enter the room, opting to stay in the doorway. They stared at the bed where the man who had controlled their entire lives, now lay lifeless.

Jungkook had never known a life that didn’t consist of being reprimanded and ordered around by Hitman Bang. Even in his final days, Jungkook still felt like the kid who nearly fell over the first time he shot a gun, not prepared for the recoil. Hitman had laughed before telling him he’d get used to it, stabilizing him, and making him shoot again.

Hoseok was well aware this time was coming, but it didn’t sink in until now that there wasn’t another option. And now it’s here, he’s too late to prepare for a reaction, so his body stills.

Yoongi chewed on his inner cheek, standing near the foot of the bed. “Fuck.” He mutters to himself, he’s pretty sure this is the first time he’s ever seen someone dead that wasn’t murdered or otherwise injured. And somehow, it hurt so much more knowing his own body did this to him. His body decided to kill him. The ultimate betrayal.

Taehyung leaves the room, pushing past Hoseok and Jungkook and walking until he gets to the living room. He pretended he wanted to help calm Kit down. But he really just couldn’t bear being in the room without vomiting.

Jimin and Jin stand on the side of the bed. Jimin starts casually dumping pill bottles and wrappings from needles filled with morphine into a nearby trash can. Jin tries to talk to him but Jimin quickly cuts him off. “It’s over. He’s dead. Now you can either help me clean this shit up or you can go call the morgue. One or the other. I’m in charge now.”

Jin decides to call the morgue, coming to the conclusion that Jimin needed that bit of time to himself. And honestly, Jin needed some distraction and a second to breathe fresh air.

Jimin takes Kit back to her house before anyone even shows up to remove the body. He claims it’s just so Kit doesn’t have to be there and watch. But it’s for his sake too, because he spends the rest of the day lying in her bed, holding her. Only moving to answer a few texts. “You can go home, Jimin.” She had told him more than a couple of times, only getting a hum of ‘I’m fine’ or some excuse in response. She doesn’t want him to leave, she finds resting her head on his chest with his arm around her to be more than comfortable, but she wants to keep enforcing the fact that he’s there because he wants to be in her bed cuddling her, not because he feels that he needs to be. So they held each other in her bed for hours, the television nearly muted. Only interrupted by two phone calls telling Kit that her mother was approved for transfer to the better hospital in the city and that her brother had a bed reserved for him in a rehab facility in Arizona.

Bang Sihyuk was a lot of things, but he was a man of his word.

“Go to sleep, kitten.” Jimin whispered just before 10 p.m., slowly rubbing her back. They had nearly finished a full season of Grey’s Anatomy.

“You need to sleep too.” She told him.

“I can handle myself.” Kit shifted her body, somehow moving even closer to him, resting a leg over his.

“It’s okay to be sad, you know? It’s normal to be upset. It’s not good for your mind to pretend you’re okay when you’re not.” She said softly, tracing the ink of his tattoo with her finger. He doesn’t respond, not sure what to say. She wasn’t really expecting a response anyway. “Goodnight, Jimin.” She presses a kiss to his shoulder.

“You don’t have to take me to work.” Kit said with a huff as she climbed into the passenger seat of Jimin’s car.

“You keep mentioning how long the walk from the hospital to the garage is. No telling who might be out there waiting for a pretty little thing like you to come walking all alone.” He started the car and drives out of the complex’s parking lot.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to leave so fast! The super already came to scold me, saying you’re gonna ruin the pavement.” Kit scolded. The pavement has been in dire need of repair but no one wanted to pay for it so the superintendent decided that suing would be the best way to collect money.

“I didn’t get a nice car and sit with Yoongi for a month to customize it so I could drive the speed limit.”

“You’re so annoying sometimes.” Kit rolled her eyes as Jimin laughed, resting a hand on her thigh. “I work a 12 today, are you gonna be able to get me?”

“Course I am, kitten. What do ya take me for?”

“A very busy man? Especially at 9 o’clock on a Friday night.”

“If you’re implying what I think you are, you’re wrong.” He slides his hand further up her leg before wrapping it back around the steering wheel. She doesn’t push further but has a soft smile on her face for the rest of the ride.

“Took you long enough, my god, thought some psycho patient got ahold of you.” Jimin turned the key as Kit starts buckling up.

“Sorry,” she whined, “you would not believe the shift I had. All to end with some 15-year-old telling me they went into cardiac arrest and I’m too stupid to figure it out.”

“Let me guess, she consulted doctor google?” He raised an eyebrow as he started driving.

“Isn’t it always?” Kit sighed as she leaned back in the seat. “What have you been doing?”

“Cleaning up the restaurant.” He stated, a curious hum leaves Kit’s body. “Well, hiring other people to do it and watching over them.”

“Did the police finally say it was arson?”

“Nope, they didn’t say anything. Made sure they didn’t.”

“Well, don’t you think the police should investigate?” Kit turned her body as much as she could to face him.

“Are you-- my god, you’re still so innocent.” Jimin kept his focus on the road, fearing what he’d do if he saw that innocent look in her brown eyes.

“I just don’t get it. If you can pay them to say it wasn’t arson, just pay them not to arrest you all.”

“It’s not that simple, babygirl.” Jimin sighed, thanking God that his phone happened to ding and end the conversation. “Shit, shit, shit.” He muttered reading the text.

“What is it? Jimin!” Kit nearly screamed as Jimin made a very illegal U-turn.

“These dumb fucks! I can’t leave them alone for an hour!” He slams his hand down on the edge of the wheel. He pulls into a dark street, stopping short of what seemed to be a warehouse.

“Where are we?” She looked around, unable to even figure out what street they were on.

“Just…” He huffed as he opened the door. “Just stay in the car.” He got out without another word, slamming the door shut, leaving Kit in a state somewhere between confusion and frustration and on the border of a panic attack as she sees him run around the corner of the building. She started hearing some yelling but she couldn’t make out what anyone was saying. She wanted to get out, be a little nosy, help in some way. But Jimin’s words rang in her head and the look on his face as he got the text, it was better to do as he said. This was confirmed when a loud pop hurt her ears. Then another, a couple of seconds later another pop. Her body stiffened and her eyes widened. She feared the worst. She wasn’t sure if Jimin was the cause of the gunshots or the recipient. She didn’t even know who else was there.

“Get in the fucking car!” A voice yells, managing to be so loud the soundwaves penetrate the car and she hears it clearly. She sees Jimin, Jin, and Jungkook run towards the car, she lets out a breath when she realizes they’re all fine, but she soon is filled with worry again as the guys scramble into the car. Jimin doesn’t say anything as he speeds out.

“What happened to you all?” Kit looks toward a panting Jin and Jungkook, realizing Jimin wasn’t going to say answer even if he could unlock his jaw for long enough to talk.

“Those dumbasses from Seventeen.” Jin groans. “They had a couple girls with them, didn’t even know they had girls in their gang!”

“I cannot believe you two almost got killed trying to get laid!” Jimin yelled and Kit thought she might not ever be able to hear properly again.

“Well not all of us can bang the only girl in our circle.” Jungkook attempted to defend himself. Kit stumbles over words for a moment before Jimin shoots him a glare in the rear-view mirror.

“I’m going to assume you said that out of agony and aren’t in a state to know better.” He growled. “Say that shit again and see if I don’t feed you back to Seungcheol.” For once, Kit is thankful for Jimin’s temper.

Kit is sat in the living room of the estate as the guys talk, knees up to her chest. Jimin is pacing, she wished he would pick another habit because it only made her more anxious.

“Maybe they’ll change their name to Sixteen.” Hoseok tried to lighten the situation with a joke.

“Fifteen.” Jin laughed.

“Nah, I heard Mingyu made it out. Probably wishes he didn’t.” Hoseok nudged Namjoon next to him as he laughed. But Namjoon isn’t listening. His attention was focused solely on Kit, he watched her expression change as the guys talked.

“Breathe, Kit.” Namjoon stood up, making his way toward the girl.

“What’s wrong?” Jimin stopped in his tracks, looking between Namjoon and Kit. Kit doesn’t speak, her chest raises and lowers rapidly.

“She’s having a panic attack.” Namjoon spoke calmly, knowing that if he worried it would only make her worse. He lowered to his knees in front of her. “Kit, Kit, look at me.” She grabbed hold on Namjoon’s hands as she looked into his eyes, anxiety clear on her face as her body shook with her breaths.

“Why is she having a panic attack?” Jimin rubbed his hands over his face. And why didn’t I notice before? He thought to himself.

“Is it because we talked about murdering the guys from Seventeen?” Jungkook furrowed his eyebrows.

“Of course it’s because we mentioned how we killed someone, you idiot.” Taehyung snapped, making Kit sob loudly. Namjoon starts speaking softly to her.

“Everyone needs to leave right now.” Namjoon’s smooth voice replaces the murmurs.

“You don’t get to make the orders around here.” Jimin responded before glancing back over at Kit, her brown skin turning red as cries leave her mouth. Her hands moved to clench the fabric of her shirt. “Everyone out.” He nearly whispered. For a moment he’s not sure if anyone even heard him. But they soon start leaving. Namjoon gives a small smile to the leader as he follows behind them.

“You’re gonna be okay, everyone panicked a little at first.” Namjoon sat down beside Kit when the door closed. She didn’t respond, so he continued. “My girlfriend freaked out the first time I ever mentioned it.” He chuckled a little remembering that day. “I forget sometimes that my life isn’t normal.”

“You have a girlfriend?” Kit mumbled, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. Namjoon nodded, a big smile on his face that helped calm her.

“Yeah, I do. That’s usually why I’m not here. I’d much rather spend my time reading in her living room than taking orders from Jimin.” He said, getting a soft giggle from Kit.

“He’s a little bossy sometimes.” She said, looking up at him. Her body was still shaking a little, her breathing not quite steady but she seemed to be calming.

“He is, he means well though. You don’t have to keep doing this, staying here and helping out. Jimin’s got it covered. Hitman just wasn’t sure he could.” Namjoon explained. He was sure it wasn’t her first panic attack steeming from the gang and it probably wouldn’t be her last.

“I’m not sure he really does have it covered.” Kit sniffled, Namjoon raised his eyebrows, motioning her to explain. “The amount of times I’ve talked to him about his concerns over a situation means he’s not sure. I’ve calmed him down way too many times. He won’t even admit that he’s worried, he doesn’t want anyone to know. But I know.”

“Well… then... I’m glad you’re helping.” Namjoon was a little shocked. He, for once, wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Maybe I could link you up with my girl. You guys could talk about how dumb we all are.” He placed a hand on her shoulder as Kit nodded giving him a smile before she wrapped her arms around him.

“Thanks, Joonie.” He pulled her closer into him, the nickname warmed his heart in a way he couldn’t explain. He hadn’t heard it in a while, not since Kit left Bangtan years ago. It was a stark contrast from the harsh yell of ‘Namjoon’ he had become used to.

“Anytime.” He whispered.

End of Part Two. I’m going to try and get this up once a week by the way! Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think?

#bts reactions #bts scenarios #bts reaction #bts scenario #btswriterscollective #bangtanhq #bts imagines #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts imagine #my writing

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heysawbones · 5 years

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Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94.

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow.

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so.

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once.

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult”

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me?

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me:

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out:

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133).

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

#blah blah blah #twice exceptional #ADHD #depression #mental health

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ikesenlemonadestandstories · 6 years

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Bones Made For Chaos

Hey there honey bee’s! So here’s part 5 of the Retrograde Spell series. Part 1 can be found here. All of my other Ikesen works are chilling on the Master List. Idk fam...I got so blocked and it took a bit but I hope you enjoy this! Pacing is hard....anyways...thanks for stopping by! Lots of love <3

Admin T~

Per usual I’m sticking it under the cut because I just like the sound of my keyboard clicking...unless you’re on mobile...then your dash is just going to be an explosion of text. Tumblr and I are still arguing lol anyways...message me :) ask my questions, the box is open!

[YN]

“Well aren’t you just a peach?” You mumbled groggily.

The situation had to be bad if Yuuto had come down to help. You weren’t exactly sure how you had gotten...where ever it was you were...but the last thing you remember was Mitsunari dropping his book when you walked into your room, so it stood to reason he had something to do with it. Yuuto looked ready to mouth off and not having the energy to fight back you stopped him short by putting your free hand on his cheek.

“Thank you.” his eyes went wide and you could help but laugh “What, weren’t expecting that?”

“Not exactly…” he was blushing, poor kid was embarrassed. Looking over at the IV in your arm you followed the line. It was extra obvious to you that you were getting a transfusion even if everyone else in the room seemed very confused.

“Is it yours or Kanna’s” you asked pointing at the bag in Mitsunari’s hand. Concern etched on everyone’s faces as they caught the implications of your question.

“Mine” he puffed his cheeks out “and I don’t want to hear any of your corny transfusion jokes…just be quiet for once.”

“What? You are totally missing out!” he glared “Fine...but we may need to explain this a bit.” motioning with you eyes to the Oda men in the room. “Mind if I sit up?”

“If you feel up for it. The patches should have kicked in by now and I’m here so you should have a bit of extra strength.”

You felt your bones creak as you shifted on the floor, sitting carefully so you didn’t disturb the IV, you crossed your legs and looked around the room.

“So who wants to go first?”

“Deja-vu” Hideyoshi mumbled under his breath

“Should I just start asking questions than to minimize dallying and to ease your uncomfortableness Hideyoshi?” Mitsubishi chimed in with a smirk.

“Can we not do this now…(YN) is that blood?” Ieyasu inquired

“Yup, Yuuto’s blood if you’re looking for me to get specific.”

Most of them looked concerned, sharing looks with one another, some faces indicating more intrigue than others.

“…why are you getting his blood?” Ieyasu continued.

“It’s called a transfusion. We collect blood from willing donors, in this case Yuuto, to be used in emergency situations. I assume I lost a large quantity of blood, and because Yuuto and I have the same blood type, he was able to give me his to make up for it.”

“Blood type?”

“There are eight different types of blood. And it can get very confusing to explain, so for simplicity's sake all you need to know is that Yuuto and I have the same blood type, airgo we can freely give to each other without our bodies rejecting the donation. If you’re really curious I can test you guys later and let you know the results, but that pounding outside is getting concerning, so i’m going to suggest we move on.”

“That was my next question. That can’t possibly be thunder.” Mitsuhide put his cool gaze on Yuuto.

“Correct, like I stated earlier, I am charged with protecting the clan...that includes this idot. I use our technology to provide medical attention and in this case to also set up barriers.”

“Ohhh so like a fancy impenetrable fort?” Masamune plopped down next to me as he questioned my brother, grabbing my arm gently and checking out the IV.

“Correct.” Yuuto turned his attention to me. “It would appear it’s finished, how are you feeling.”

“Like shit...but that’s a step up from death right?”

“You know...sometimes I’m sorry I ask.” he let out an exasperated sigh “Do you think you’ll be able to fight eight of them off.”

“Maybe? Honestly it would be better if Kanna were here, though everything’s easier when I’m functioning at my highest capacity, but we won't know until we try.”

You shrugged nonchalantly, but it was the truth. You didn’t feel awesome, and while Yuuto being there gave you just a bit of an energy boost, it was nothing compared to the surge you felt when Kanna was around. You made your way to your feet after the needle was removed and your arm was bandaged appropriately. A bit unsteady at first but with some help from Mitsunari and Masamune you were as good as you could be after losing about what you assumed was twenty percent of your blood volume.

“Your gear is new...I gave Kanna hers a bit ago, so you’re behind, but it’s lighter and thinner. The chemistry behind the armor makes the material stronger while still maintaining flexibility to improve your mobility. Everything is activated the same way so you shouldn’t have any trouble adjusting. I also got to pick the new pattern and color scheme...I still had to use ‘depths of space black’.” he paused to roll his eyes. “but yours has more hints of orange...I think it suits you”

Yuuto stood in front of you, looking you over he sighed deeply and drew his short sword, the pale glow warm and familiar in front of you. He couldn’t possibly…

“This is Yuuto Karasu, Karasu Clan Heir. I request the Karasu Commander, (YN) Karasu, be given full autonomy of her power until my departure.”

You eyes went wide, why was he removing the stop-checks placed on your sword? There’s no way everyone was going to agree to this...it would just get him in trouble.

“Yuuto…” you hissed through closed teeth.

“This is Kanna Karasu, Karasu Strategist, I consent to full autonomy.”

“This is Yui Karasu, Reserve Strategist, I consent to full autonomy.”

“This is Aoi Karasu, Reserve Commander, I consent to full autonomy.”

“This is Haruto Karasu, Standing Clan Head, I consent and accept the motion. Full autonomy is to be granted to (YN) Karasu until Yuuto Karasu, Clan Heir returns to the citadel.”

…

[Mitsunari]

I was still trying to wrap my mind around everything that was going on. (YN) had passed out, she had been barely warm in my arms. Ieyasu had done everything he could to save her, but we still weren’t in the clear. In a stroke of luck and in dramatic fashion her brother had arrived in a lightning bolt? There was a giant bubble protecting Ieyasu’s manor. (YN) had been given special bandages and her brothers blood. Not only was she now conscious she was standing and preparing for battle and every fiber of my being was screaming out, fighting the urge to grab her and run out of there.

Why would she go right back out there and fight...even Masamune and Hideyoshi had enough sense to take it a little easy after sustaining such a life threatening injury. Ieyasu had questioned Yuuto and (YN) but every answer just confused me more. She would explain it to us later but the knot in my stomach just kept growing.

She had even admitted she felt terrible but she was still going out there to fight. Why couldn’t we do something to help? I was so frustrated and confused I just wanted to scream, who cared if she had new armor? That hadn’t protected her before, how would it be different now. I wanted to trust her but the fear I felt was consuming my thoughts.

Yuuto drew his short sword and garnered everyone's attention, even (YN) was looking at him with surprise. Was he going to fight with her? No he had just said he doesn’t participate in battles. Is he offering her his short sword?

“This is Yuuto Karasu, Karasu Clan Heir. I request the Karasu Commander, (YN) Karasu, be given full autonomy of her power until my departure.”

Any bit of color (YN) had regained since getting treatment from her brother drained as he spoke. In an angry whisper she said his name through clenched teeth. “Yuuto…”

Then there was nothing but the pounding on the barrier and the falling rain. As the seconds passed by (YN)’s eyes grew round with shock until a stern look crossed her face. Something must have happened over their communication system. Before anyone could ask what was going on (YN) bowed in apology to Ieyasu and drove her sword into the tatami in the dring pool of her blood where she had been laying.

Her sword glowed a bright hot white, nothing like the sweet pale blue I had seen the night before. As it grew in intensity the air around her seemed to vibrate, when she finally became visible again a mischievous look and a wild smile had blossomed.

“Stop...you look creepy as hell…” Yuuto deadpanned

She laughed and cut through the tension that had been building in the room. Her eyes were still sharp but the rest of her features had softened to a more recognizable demeanor.

“Never once thought I’d find myself in a situation that warranted a full release of this things spiritual power.” She twisted the sword around menacingly. “But I appreciate the opportunity. I won't let you down.”

Heading for the door with a wink and a flourish, she turned back to us.

“You guys can come watch on the balcony...it won't take long and there’s no way any of them will be able to get past me now.” smirking she sauntered outside of the protection of her brother’s barrier.

Myself and the rest of the group rushed outside to follow her, stopping just shy of the railing on the veranda. Three soldiers jumped down from the roof only to be eliminated immediately. I hadn’t even seen her move.

“Yuuto...this is great and all...but not even remotely close to what I’d call a challenge.” She called out as a fourth one burst into smoke the second she parried.

“Well that’s good but you may want to call for backup. Dad just let me know you’ve got about fifty coming your way.”

There was a pause, then raucous laughter, as she doubled over in the grass. Defending herself from incoming attacks along the way.

“Well shit...guess I shouldn’t have asked for a challenge. Mom did always tell me to be careful what I wished for.”

“Would you shut up and call them here already?”

“This is the Karasu’s Talons. I am requesting backup from the officers of the first regiment. We have an estimated fifty incoming QA soldiers”

There was another pause and then the sky opened up. Lightning struck down on top of her and a bright light expanded outward all the way to the barrier. As it dissipated six figures could be made out besider her. They looked menacing, but not in the same way her assailants had appeared. How were six extra people going to help her? If she needed six extra swords why couldn’t it be us? I felt my anxiety bubbling, ready to burst when Yuuto made his way next to me.

“I can tell she means something more to you, I appreciate you getting her help earlier and I wanted to let you know you have nothing to worry about.”

My brow furrowed but I was unable to ask questions as he continued, turning my attention back to her battle as he spoke.

“I don’t understand it entirely, but something about the blessed weapons we have lets us fight these things. Our abilities are...restricted...to force us to work as a team, however, that can cause problems in situations like this. Kanna is our strategist, her brain is alway running looking for a way out, while she is still able to plan it doesn’t come as quickly and she’s at greater risk of injury than when she’s with (YN), our commander. Who, while she doesn’t plan out the strikes, she leads and trains our army. Every officer summoned is one of her highly trained fighters from the first division.”

He turned his gaze back to me, dark eyes shining.

“(YN) is undefeated in the clan, save her teacher who now refuses all chances at a rematch. She is our most reliable fighter. Without her sister she still fights with considerable strength...but nowhere near what she is capable of. While I don’t have the same type of blade it still holds power in the group. So while it wouldn’t make a difference to her fighting ability my being here should give her a little more energy, than if she was just by herself.”

Pausing for breath, and I assume to make sure I was still following he looked my way before going on.

“I assume something happened in the past to have these power checks put into place, though I’m not quite sure what. Regardless the previous crow and talons, the current head, the current crow and talons and the heir, are all able to cast votes to give someone ‘autonomy’ or full reign of the powers for a limited period of time in a pinch.” He pointed back toward his sister.

“Earlier they consented in granting her full power. She is exceptionally lethal and while she doesn’t need to call on her army to win this battle, she needed to if she didn’t want to pass out when she relinquished control.”

As I looked back out into the garden I found myself memorizing their fighting patterns. The formations were perfect, designed to be effective and deadly. He had called her ‘The Talons’, and after seeing her fight I can understand why. When her blade came down into her target she reminded me of Kohaku, Nobunaga’s hawk, ripping through prey. Sharp and merciless yet graceful and beautiful. It was the perfect way to describe her. The more I watched the more enthralled I became. Maybe we could use something similar in our own battles. She was magnificent. Remembering her brother said her sister was her strategist...I wondered if I could offer assistance in Kanna’s absence. It felt better than having (YN) simply report to me, I wanted to be useful to her. I needed to be useful to her.

He must have thought I looked pensive because he offered words meant to comfort, and while I was no longer concerned about this battle they settled somewhere deep in my soul.

“But she lives for battles like this...the woman is made of something else entirely. Our Dad once said it had to be chaos and lightning. It’s in her bones and blood.”

I continued to watch in awe, gathering useful information, compiling strategies for her. There was no denying she was beautiful and deadly, a combination I had never seen mix so well. A sword style all warlords hoped and strived for, a precarious balance and only Kenshin Uesugi came close to achieving.

Before I knew it the battle had ended and Yuuto crossed the garden space, now littered with bits and pieces of armor that had failed to evaporate with their assailant. He handed bandages to (YN), who was having a lively conversation with her vassals, before bowing to us and disappearing in a blinding flash of light with the officers that had come to assist.

Sheathing her blade she slowly made her way back to the balcony. She looked tired but there was still a fire in her eyes. Most were silent, content just watching, but Mitsuhide, forever the tease, offered a remark as bait. Probably to check her mood and general consciousness since she did look a little wobbly now.

“I wasn’t aware our young princess had that much power. Who knew she could take out fifty men with just six soldiers of her own.”

Then she smiled the same mischievous grin from before, and with a sickly sweet voice, what she said next sent a chill down my spine.

“There’s a reason a group of crows is called a murder.”

…

[YN]

The energy was racing in and around you. It was everything you remembered and more. It didn’t matter how creepy your brother though your smile was you felt absolutely amazing. Turning your blade in your hand, getting used to the feeling of it, the lightning resonating in your bones. Everything felt lighter, you were sure you could jump from the garden to the roof if you wanted but that was a test for another day.

The second you stepped off the veranda, three jumped at you from the roof. You spun around so fast you made yourself dizzy, slicing clean through each one in the process. You felt more than amazing. You were buzzing with life and the new found chaos strengthening your bones, stemming from the warm glow coming off your sword. Another came at you, swinging your blade to parry, cut blowing right through the soldiers sword driving deep into its chest. A gust of wind came off your swing as the ogre disappeared into twisting gray fog, as you felt your hair whip around your face.

You felt strong, forgotten power flowing through you, it was almost a shame they weren’t more of a challenge. Before disposing of that last grunt you had managed to complain to your brother, who let you know a problem had arisen.

“Well shit...guess I shouldn’t have asked for a challenge. Mom did always tell me to be careful what I wished for.”

You knew who you wanted when you called for the officers of the first regiment, and you knew they had to be chomping at the bit to get some action by now. Sure enough, as they descended in a burst of lightening your three best swordsmen, two archers, and naginata wielder stood in formation three poised for attack.

Hisame and Mari, your two archers took to the trees for better vantage points to provide appropriate cover while simultaneously waiting for their perfect shot.

Tsubaki and Shiro, wielded tachi and stood on the outside of our formation, since their blades were longer they had a bit more reach, which was helpful for providing wide coverage. They were backed up by Hinata who took arms with his Naginata.

Mizuko was your top and final general to appear, offering a katana she filled in for Kanna as you paired off for close combat situations.

Falling into line with your comrades the rest of the battle felt like a well practiced dance. Smooth and easy, the QA soldiers offering little resistance. With everyone’s help fifty soldiers had felt like five.

“Nice work everyone, we cleaned them up nicely!”

“Anytime Captain! Do see to it that you take better care of yourself thought. You gave everyone a bit of a fright last night when you stopped responding.” Hisame leveled with you.

“I got it. I’ll be as careful as I can be.” you replied

“That’s not very promising...at least knowing you.” Shiro laughed lifting an eyebrow as he clapped a hand over your shoulder.

You brother had made his way across the garden and was preparing to take everyone back with him. Stopping just shy of you he gathered your comrades around him.

“Be safe...Please.” He smiled with one final plea before jumping back home.

As the light from the portal disappeared so did your high. Gods is that what you felt like before he arrived? No, it had to have been worse before you were given the blood. Everything ached and you wanted nothing more than to soak in a warm bath, drink some tea, and sleep on a heating pad for the next 48 hours until Kanna arrived.

You had finally reached the veranda everyone had gathered on. You noticed Masamune and Nobunaga’s eyes were shining with pride. Hideyoshi and Ieyasu were wearing the most sour expressions you’d ever seen, probably because of all the trouble you had caused tonight. You would have to do something to make it up to them. Mitsunari looked concerned and like he wanted to say something though it never made it out. Mitsuhide had been looking at you with the most infuriating, shit-eating grin, you had ever seen.

Though his snide remark was laced with questions, presumably to gauge how you were feeling, even if it was the only way he knew how, you still didn't want to drag this out. You were tired. Thinking of the best way to stop the conversation quickly you decided a mild scare tactic should do the trick.

“There’s a reason a group of crows is called a murder.” You wished you had a camera because the looks on their faces were priceless. If you didn’t feel like absolute garbage maybe you would have laughed.

Instead you walked past everyone and bowed before Nobunaga. “When would you like my report?”

“I do not need one.” you looked up at him confused “Mitsunari informed me over the events leading to our being here this evening and I witness the rest. It would be redundant to make you report it again. You are dismissed for the night.”

With that everyone left, what you had since figured out was Ieyasu’s manor. The walk back was slow and painful but Mitsunari stayed close to make sure you got back alright offering his arm whenever you started to wobble. By the time you finally arrived to your room faint light could be seen peeking out over the horizon. You opened the door with great effort and trudged into you room. By now the candles had all melted down and pools of wax were gathered in their stead. Guess you’d clean that up in the morning. The tea set from earlier remained untouched, and the book Mitsunari had been reading remained open on the floor where it had been dropped.

“It’s not a long walk back but I appreciate you seeing me home. I should let you go though since you have to make for Hideyoshi’s manor.”

As you looked up you met searing amethyst eyes, a look that was all consuming, there was a tenderness there you recognized, even though you couldn’t deny he looked upset. When you didn’t back away he closed the gap between you shutting the door behind him.

“If you would allow it, I would like to stay here.”

The hand that had been on your cheek was now cradling your head, long elegant fingers working your scalp gently, undoing your hair that had been tied tight in a ponytail. His free arm wrapped around your shoulder closing you in a comforting embrace. Fighting the urge to fall completely into his arms you gave a half-hearted response.

“I promise I’ll send someone to get you if I need help. I would hate to make you take care of me. You are by no means obligated to do anything else tonight”

You wanted nothing more than to accept his offer and bury yourself in his gentle and sure arms. They were currently offering you every bit of warmth you had craved the entire walk back from Ieyasu’s, but it wasn’t fair to make him look after you just because you were placed under him. Even if literally being under him was separately enticing...but that was a whole other issue for a different day.

“It is not out of obligation I request to stay.” He carefully pulled your head to his chest, resting his cheek on you. His even breaths tickling your ear were in direct contrast with the now rapid beating of his heart.

You felt the blood run all the way to your ears. He had always been incredibly sweet to you. Constantly sticking his neck out for you, making sure you had everything you needed, entertaining conversation, and now he had probably saved your life. All of this and he never really asked for anything in return. You had never stopped to think about why you had such unshakable faith in Mitsunari, you trusted him with your life the same why you trusted your siblings but that’s not to say you saw him as a brother. You were slowly realizing now how much you were fighting not just for your mission, but to keep him and the people he holds dear safe; Love. That feeling finally settled in and you didn’t know how to respond.

“Please…” his soft whisper broke through your rapidly derailing train of thought “don’t make me leave tonight.”

And you couldn’t all you could do was hum and nod. Wrapping him in an embrace of your own.

…

[Mitsunari]

The longer we walked the more exhausted she looked. She had refused to let anyone carry her at least four times now, but would hold onto my arm when she was unsteady, and now we had finally made it to her door.

“It’s not a long walk back but I appreciate you seeing me home. I should let you go though since you have to make for Hideyoshi’s manor.”

Even though I understood it to be consideration for myself, no matter how steady she had appeared, I couldn’t find it within my power to leave. Not that I wanted her to entertain me, she needed rest and I wanted no part in keeping her awake any longer...I just didn’t want to leave. She turned to me and I was happy to see her lovely amber eyes were still burning, though the rest of her features were soft, they were so warm it felt like something inside of me might melt. She was so enchanting I hadn’t even realized I was reaching for her until I had her hair undone, falling around her, the beautiful silk strands resting against my hand. (YN) spoke up and brought me out of my trance and I realized she thought I had stayed with her out of a sense of duty.

“It is not out of obligation I request to stay.” I pulled her in close to me, careful not to hold her too tight. The last thing I wanted was to aggravate her wounds. She didn’t stop me, instead (YN) leaned into my embrace as her body seemed to warm with mine. She seemed to be thinking, as her arms hovered in the air, unsure of what to do. There was a long painful silence, taking my chance I petitioned again hoping I wouldn’t be pushed away.

“Please, don’t make me leave tonight.”

I heard her suck in a breath through her teeth and no longer showing any hesitation she hummed languidly and returned my embrace, locking me in her arms, nodding in silent approval.

I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

For the second day in a row, I woke up in a panic concerned by the absence of her warmth beside me. How does she sneak out of here so easily? This time I shot up out of her futon but she wasn’t sitting at her desk and her soft muttering alluded me. Tying my disheveled robes to be slightly more presentable I dashed for the door only to almost crash into (YN). Catching the tray she had been holding she winced but giggled as she looked me over.

“Nice hair. Up for some tea? I snuck into the kitchen.” she said with a mischievous smile

She was dressed the same as she had been yesterday morning. Soft gray hakama and a lace wrap to cover her chest. The only differences were that she wore my haori and her abdomen was wrapped diligently with fresh bandages. I was stuck on my haori hanging off her shoulders awkwardly, something about it and the goofy smile she had was enough to make my heart flutter.

“How is your stomach.” Again without thinking my fingers had found there way to the new wrap tracing where she had been cut. This was becoming a bad habit, but she didn’t pull away from me.

“It’s better thanks, I wasn’t able to tie an Obi...hurt to much. I borrowed your haori, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. Use it as long as you like.” And then she smiled and it was so bright it could have outshone every star in the sky last night.

Last night had been pandemonium but in the center of it was her. Something steady and bright in the buzz of it all. There was something wonderful about the normalcy of the situation, I had grown to enjoy the tea and snacks she brought me while I was reading, but this moment felt special, almost separated from the rest of reality.

“Did you sleep alright? I hope I didn’t make your arm numb laying on it.” She giggled again setting the tray of food and tea down. Her comment sparked my memory from the night before, her curled up in front of me, soft black tresses splayed underneath her head and across the arm she was laying on. With practiced motions she sat across me and prepared the tea passing out bowls and chopsticks so we could eat while it was steeping.

“Mitsunari. You okay over there? I guess I should have asked if you wanted food. I’m sorry if this was presumptuous of me.”

“Ah I’m sorry I was just a bit distracted. Thank you for the food.”

Breakfast tasted better than usual and the casual conversation eased the storm that had settle in my heart. The routine almost made me forget exactly what she was here to do. Almost. Our peace was broken with a bashful knock on the door, protectiveness flared in my chest, she was very exposed. I stood and cracked the door placing myself between her and the maids line of site but that didn’t stop her. She place a hand on the small of my back heat blooming where she touched as she leaned around me poking her head out the door.

“Hey ladies, what can I do you for?”

“We brought by the ingredients you asked for.”

Her face lit up “You guys are the best!”

“Anything for your Lady (YN).”

…

[YN]

Breakfast was pleasant and the easy conversation helped fend off the blush threatening to consume your features. Not only had you woken up tucked perfectly into Mitsunari, when you came back to your room he was standing in your door, hair a beautiful silver mess, robes hanging half off, broad shoulders exposed. You caught the way his eyes raked over you, taking you in, an emotion you couldn’t quiet place and a deep hyacinth flashed in his eyes before he masked it and they fell into the familiar amethyst you were accustomed to.

You suppress the urge to reach out and run your fingers through his feathered locks, down over his cheeks across his beauty mark and down his broad shoulders by giggling awkwardly and trying to start a conversation. Before you could move he reached out gently tracing over the fresh bandage where the sword had cut you last night.

“His is your stomach?”

It’s better thanks, I wasn’t able to tie an Obi.” You paused remembering the discomfort you had experienced trying to dress yourself in a traditional kimono this morning to get food. “hurt to much. I borrowed your haori, I hope you don’t mind.”

He smiled gently and it made you heart race, you could feel color creeping up your cheeks but you were happy he was letting you use his haori. It smelled just like him and though it was definitely a bit big the extra fabric wrapped you up filling you with the same sense of security he always brought with him.

You were setting out the dishes when you realized he hadn’t really responded to any question other than the one regarding his haori. Maybe you should have asked if he was hungry before grabbing the tea and breakfast.

“Mitsunari. You okay over there? I guess I should have asked if you wanted food. I’m sorry if this was presumptuous of me.”

That seemed to get his attention, just as you had finally gotten him out of his head and he seemed less on edge, there was a soft knock on the door. Before you could get up Mitsunari ran over placing himself between whoever was visiting and yourself. That’s when you realized you were minimally clothed and sauntering around the room in his haori while he was standing at the door with half his sleeping robe hanging off. He was trying to protect your dignity even though it was way more clothes than you wore on a normal off day in the citadel, but if a retainer saw this scene people would talk...not that you minded something like that floating around about you and Mitsunari, you couldn’t deny that you had definitely dreamed about any rumor this scene would cause as is.

You heard a gasp and faint giggling and knew it was your fan club...nope nope nope, not ok with them seeing hot and sleepy Mitsunari. Jumping up you placed a hand on the small of his back possessively, poking your head out next to him. As it turns out they had found the honey and sugar you asked for earlier and wanted to bring it to you.

You started mixing it into the tea then began pouring for the two of you to enjoy. When you placed his cup down in front of him he looked puzzled.

“You look confused. Anything I can help you with?”

“The other night at our war counsel Mitsuhide brought up that the maids had been following you around and fawning. He asked me why, and at the time I hadn’t noticed so I couldn’t even imagine an answer...but after seeming that, I’m quite curious myself.”

You laughed a good natured, full belly laugh. While it hurt just a touch more than normal it felt so so good.

“Do you remember the night we wrapped my arm?”

“Yes.” He blushed

“I was out shopping when I saw a group of them get attacked by the QA. They’ve been like that ever since.”

“I do remember six of them sopping wet as I passed them in the hall. It’s how I knew to look in your room.”

“Word travels fast around here if you’re wondering why all the female staff follow me around now.”

There wasn’t even a knock before your door slid open hitting the end of the track with a thunk.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

…

[Mitsunari]

The last people I wanted to see at her door were now openly staring at this misunderstanding. Not that I minded if they thought she was with me...it would keep at least three of them from trying something. Mitsuhide opened his mouth “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”but it was (YN)’s response that made me choke on my tea.

“Breakfast...why, what’s it look like?”

They just stared back at her, processing.

“Are you just going to stand there or was there something you needed?”

Nobunaga chuckled before Masamune answered her.

“Neither of you showed up for the morning war counsel and when Hideyoshi informed us Mitsunari hadn’t returned last night we thought something might have been wrong with you.”

“That’s my bad, he looked like he needed sleep so I didn’t want to wake him.”

“That still doesn’t explain what’s going on right now.” Hideyoshi responded, worry showing on his face.

“Uh...breakfast. He brought me home, we fell asleep, I woke up, got breakfast, he woke up. So now...we’re eating breakfast. Didn’t think you wanted me walking around the castle scantily clad so I just stayed here. And seriously...just come in, you don’t need to creep outside the door like that.”

Ieyasu pinched the bridge of his nose “That’s not what we meant...we understand what this is...I believe the question was aimed more at why you’re wearing Mitsunari’s haori…?”

And then the conversation descended into dissaray and nothing I could think of to say would have been enough to stop it. (YN) looked amused, clearly messing with the group. Mitsuhide and Nobunaga were the only ones able to resist the verbal bait.

“Should I not be?”

“I mean it’s not that you shouldn’t be, just that it may give the wrong impression.” Masamune stated and I bristled, sipping my tea to keep calm.

“And what would that impression be?”

“That you’re sleeping with Mitsunari.” Hideyoshi interjected

“But I did sleep with Mitsunari. He spent the night here.”

“That’s not what we mean lass.” Masamune sighed

“Then what did you mean?” she looked innocent enough but I could tell she was toying with them. Drink your tea and don’t make eye contact Mitsunari...don’t make eye contact.

“Nope, never mind. Stop.” Ieyasu chimed in, panicked

“Stop what?” She looked around eyes wide.

“How about you just give Mitsunari back his haori, that should clear up any misunderstandings.” Hideyoshi pleaded

“There isn’t really anything to misunderstand but if you insist.” and with that she stood next to me. Oh no. Before I could protest, she undid the haori from her waist as we made eye contact, a devilish smiled played on her lips then she winked. She knew what she was doing. Dropping the clothing in my lap the room went silent.

I knew from the looks on their faces they had full view of the artwork above her wrap, the beautiful tattoo that covered her alabaster skin mingling with scars from previous battles.

Hideyoshi and Ieyasu sputtered while Nobunaga and Mitsuhide remained silent.

“Shit lass.” Masamune sucked in through closed teeth. The only one to say anything.

“Don’t stare.” She smiled knowingly “it’s rude you know.”

She was being a good sport but I could tell all the prying eyes were starting to get to her. When nobody said anything I stood placing my haori back on her shoulders, covering a majority of her exposed skin, while shooting daggers at those in the doorway. When I did I brushed my fingers along the crook of her neck along her shoulders. Her skin was warmer than it had been last night, the memory of her collapsing into my arms fresh in my memory. I needed them to leave.

“She is unable to wear an Obi with her injury. Unless you don’t mind her walking around like this or in her armor today she will not be joining the war counsel.”

Nobunaga looked amused but nodded, a knowing smirk playing on his face.

“I agree. Please make sure she has everything she needs Mitsunari. Report any changes to me.”

“As you wish milord!”

After they left she dropped down in front of me, twisting a few flyaway strands into place.

“Can we talk? I think it’s time to DTR.”

Tagging @little-mini-me-world read away!

#ikesen #ikésen #ikemen sengoku #ikémen sengoku #ikesen mitsunari #cybird #fanfic #mitsunari x reader #my story #it took me too long to type this #why is it like 10 pages?#i got carried away again #thanks for sending help #i'm probably forgetting tags #ikemen sengoku: romances across time #leaving this here

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botanyshitposts · 7 years

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Hey, just wanted to say I know how you feel about having people be weird about you liking plants, I get that all the time too. It's weird to not be yourself around close friends and family, especially if you're the one they go to to talk about whatever they're into, like double standards much???On a side note, have you been tested for ADHD because I have it and the way you think/act sounds a lot like me and it's often misdiagnosed as OCD or autism in girls/women/generally studious people.

okay lol i typed out a huge thing telling my life’s story and then was like……mmmmmmmmmm lets not so here are my Mental Health Highlights™ regarding that fun time. generally i try not to post stuff like this on this blog bc i feel like it should be For The Plonts but it also deals with how plants actually saved my life so:

-I’ve been professionally diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, ADHD, and depression.

-OCD like?????? wrecked my life man. like it was a constant undertone in my childhood and tl;dr was a super bad time and i didn’t get properly diagnosed until i was in high school and i was like??????? oh my god it makes sense????

-started undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for my OCD and anxiety in high school bc i was having a Hella Bad Time™

-results just in: thoughts cant hurt u and u dont have to wash your hands until they bleed and Good Numbers and Bad Numbers are just numbers, etc.

me:

still miserable at school because i was relearning things i already learned/taught myself on the side and was frustrated and hated everything and myself

-my ELP coach reached out to me and asked if i’d like to do a plant experiment??? she would use program money to get the equipment???

-shoutout to my ELP coach for making school worth coming to again and making homework and projects worth doing on time again bc she gave me a chance to actually do something that im interested in and express myself through science and be challenged, just not in class (*insert american public school tangent here*), literally, actually saved my life and stopped my self harming and helped my depression bc at the end of the day i got to do what i loved

-shoutout to my environmental sustainability teacher who encouraged me and was 200% willing to use his resources to help me learn, who sought out the edge of what i had taught myself and used his college microbiology degree knowledge to teach me more and provide me with more resources instead of circling me back into the lesson and making me wade through what i already knew like all my other high school teachers did when i asked them more questions to extend on my extending on my learning

-anyway back to the ADHD thing

-so i always had some obsessive thoughts and actions from my OCD, but when I got put on my current medication thats been working SUUUPER WELL I LOVE IT, i suddenly couldn’t focus. my grades dropped. this was literally in the second half of my senior year. i was off any and all ADHD medications because of their stimulatory effect, which i learned the hard way a few years ago made my OCD compulsions 200% worse and symptoms more intense.

-okay like. this was wild right

-my psychiatrist told me that because I was struggling with my depression, anxiety, and OCD less, my ADHD was starting to show more because my (copious) energy was no longer being bogged down by depression or eaten up by fear and compulsions.

-that. took a little bit to get used to. like i had to change my study habits and stuff (current study set up: 1. ALWAYS study at school/in a different building because when i try to study at home/in my dorm it’s a signal that it’s time to begin winding myself down and tapering off my energy for the night, and i fall asleep 2. use white noise to drown out that Dank ADHD Hypersensitivity and Distractibility). I also am now more fidgety than i was and need more effort to focus– i control this by working out every morning to burn off some of the residual stuff so i can actually function (not yoga lol). if i dont, im hit with weird slams of writing inspiration and distractibility during the day, which are cool but then get looped into obsessive thoughts that make them hard to shake

-it just was a weird moment of realization for me because the last time I struggled with my ADHD explicitly was in early elementary school. it had been “gone” for so long that i literally thought that my parents had me diagnosed too young and it was a wrong diagnosis (i was diagnosed in kindergarden).

-most, if not all, of my autism-like-symptoms come from my OCD and ADHD. I’ve been tested for autism, and do not have it. my hyperfocus and passion come from obsessive thoughts and stuff relating to those two disorders, and im inclined to say that my social incapabilities relate to impulsivity and oversharing related to those two disorders as well (i’ve been doing pretty well controlling those lately having gotten help for that in therapy, but…….you know……still working on it like yikes. i feel better about it after meeting some of the grown up, employed plant academics here at school, which all share some resemblance to me in social ability. ive heard rumors about the whole “academics are bad at socializing” stereotype but like……….i see it now…….these are my people………)

#im having a good time now #like ngl i feel like at least for the moment im doing pretty well with stuff #as far as blurting out plant things goes im just like???#i like u???? i shall shower you in things i know???? wait why are u changing the subje #not plonts #long post #mental health thingys #Anonymous #asks

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piamii · 6 years

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It's funny that every time I reach a new peak of my abilities it feels like I've changed completely in some way. Recently ive been focusing on professionalism and self care, aka getting used to calling the shots and taking care of myself and asking for support in order to recharge. My self image has changed- I don't feel sorry for myself as much as I used to when I get stressed. I see myself as someone being stretched in their development, worthy of receiving support and understanding, and ultimately in charge of pulling through and maintaining the important aspects of my life (school, friends, family). I can see my growth in many ways- feeling more ready to get married and have kids, resolving differences with family members much more easily, taking on leader/mentor roles in several areas of my life, and becoming much more aware of ways I can contribute positively to interpersonal dynamics in every arena of my life. I'm developing more masks, which I think is necessary. Inwardly I'm still a derpy and disorganized potato, but outwardly I'm successfully starting to do the adult thing. It's hard to imagine what kind of person I will be when I have kids (just a random example of a milestone, although I have been thinking about it a bit lately), but I know I'll be much stronger than I am now.

Recently, little things like letting myself sleep in or not talk to people without guilt and blow drying my hair (just small examples) have given me the energy I needed at the right times to sustain myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm starting to learn what it means to sustain myself through stress - creating a life I don't have to run away from. It's not really exciting, but it's doable and it's satisfying. The more I do the right things to take care of myself, even the hard and unpleasant things like calling hospitals and insurance and arguing about bills, the more confident I feel in my ability to conquer whatever life throws my way. Although I am still a very anxious person, the nature of my anxiety has changed. No longer do I ruminate an entire night or recklessly ignore responsibilities in order to cope with anxiety. Instead, I feel a low level of constant anxiety that I tuck into the back of my mind, and I reassure myself periodically that I will act appropriately when the situations I am worried about come up. The chain of thought then goes: if it doesn't go well, it's an opportunity to learn -> your embarrassed reaction when things aren't perfect is just a byproduct of your ego -> therefore, feeling like things didn't go well is a good opportunity to practice killing my ego so I can become stronger mentally -> and anyways, the worst that can happen is not really that bad.

Side thought: I had always thought that treating clients with anxiety would be easier for me to learn than other things, but it's actually been harder because I project myself onto them. I realize I'm doing it but it makes me have to think through everything more deliberately and ends up slowing down my clinical judgments. I think what trips me up the most is judging whether someone needs a more simple and structured intervention like guided deep breathing and basic meditation and developing that into a routine, or a more insight based and high functioning intervention like mindfulness/act. Then there's cbt and challenging maladaptive thoughts. It's so hard for me to artfully weave those things together based on what my clients need that day and maybe the solution is that I need to be a little less flexible so I can practice one intervention and see if it's effective before I try to flow freely.

I've also found that i have to be careful when I validate anxious clients because sometimes it's more effective to challenge their thoughts directly, but it has to be at the right moment. Anyways, this is all coming up because I'm working with a kiddo this week who hasn't been able to sleep because of panic symptoms and I keep worrying that I won't choose the right intervention for him. I also hadn't realized that I'd low key been stressing out about all these different facets of this issue, so it's helpful to write it all down.

I also realized lately that I have a wonky relationship with money. Because I've never had to rely solely on my abilities to support myself financially, I've always felt guilty about spending money regardless of the purpose. But i also need to grow up in this regard- money is meant to be used in conjunction with my values and needs, and not meant to be feared or avoided. When I start having an "income" next year, I really want to work with m to create a detailed budget and map out cost of living with the kind of lifestyle I want. I'm still immature in this area, but I want to grow.

Match day is Friday, but it seems like there's so much to get through until then. I think the rest of my life is going to feel like a balance between trying to rush through long stressful days and living in the moment.

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larrytcamp · 4 years

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MY EXPERIENCE WITH IV NUTRITIONAL THERAPY (MODIFIED MYERS COCKTAIL)

In 2015, as a result of stressful occasions in my individual life, I endured a severe episode of adrenal fatigue. Extreme exhaustion also after a complete evening's rest, muscular tissue weak point, brain fog-- all the excellent things. I found myself unable to recuperate on my own and so I began a course of IV nutritional therapy.

After an admission like that, I imagine you may have a few concerns for me. What is IV nutritional therapy? Exactly how does it function? What are the advantages? Is it "one size fits all?" For how long does it require to really feel the results? Did the treatment help me recover? Read on for more information concerning my experience with IV nutritional therapy: the ups, the downs, and also a couple of techniques I discovered along the road to make it go much more efficiently.

IV Nutritional Therapy

IV nutritional therapy is extensively used by option and corresponding medication professionals as a way to address and also deal with the symptoms of numerous problems such as fatigue syndrome, late phase adrenal exhaustion, fibromyalgia, chronic sinusitis, asthma, immune disorders, and lots of others. It is also utilized to soothe signs of migraine headaches and carry out heavy metals detoxification.

Exactly how Does it Work?

Intravenous shots supply a high dosage of minerals and vitamins directly right into the bloodstream, bypassing the digestion system. Yes, we are supposed to get our nutrients from the food we consume, but sometimes, specifically when nutrition malabsorption exists, food is inadequate and we need a high concentration of trace elements in order to give a boost of energy to our cells and aid the healing process. IV nutritional therapy offers that increase.

What is the Advantage?

The advantage is boosted nutrient absorption. Your body will certainly obtain and absorb a much greater concentration than you would with a dental dosage. This is a definite benefit for people struggling with an autoimmune disease due to the fact that they commonly manage nutrient malabsorption as well as diminished levels of minerals and vitamins.

One Dimension Fits All?

When it comes to IV therapy, the Myers alcoholic drink usually enters your mind. A standard infusion, the Myers cocktail consists of magnesium, calcium, B vitamins, as well as vitamin C and is generally recommended to improve power and also sustain a delayed immune system, yet there are, in fact, several other kinds of dietary IVs readily available. If you are collaborating with a practical medication expert, which I highly advise, your doctor might make a decision to customize the fundamental Myers formula to fit your certain needs. This is called a modified Myers.

MY EXPERIENCE:

Working carefully with my doctor, I got a changed Myers mixed drink, specifically adjusted to my demands, followed by a glutathione (a powerful antioxidant enzyme) injection (image, far ideal). My mixed drink of macronutrients was blended right before each injection to make sure optimum quality. Each treatment lasted 30-40 minutes as well as was carried out in a dimly lit, peaceful room. I located it best to put down and unwind during the treatment. You can also request a blanket to keep you cozy!

Full disclosure: I really did not feel wonderful right away after my very first couple of injections. There was no abrupt and spectacular boost of power or mental clearness. Actually, it was rather the opposite. My initial few injections were adhered to by a "collision" lasting regarding two days during which time I experienced increased tiredness and also a tempting urge to rest.

Worried I was having an allergy to the shots, I spoke with my medical professional. Why was I feeling worse when the shots were intended to make me feel much better? He told me that my reaction had not been uncommon and also was really a normal effect of the cleansing procedure. Keep in mind that I was in a state of true exhaustion as well as my autoimmune disease was most likely flaring due to stress and anxiety. Even more, I am understood for being very sensitive to supplements and such. To make things less complicated for me as well as to ease the results of the detox, my doctor minimized the concentration of the macronutrients I was obtaining.

With the assistance and peace of mind of my medical professional, I decided to proceed the shots as well as see what would occur. I likewise saw to it to schedule my IVs on Fridays in order to have the weekend break to recoup.

Turns out, my doctor was right! I began feeling much better and better after each treatment. I was experiencing boosted energy throughout the day and more mental clearness. Initially, the effects lasted for a couple of days, after that, gradually, my energy began staying up in between each weekly injection. I understand now that nutritional therapy isn't expected to be a quick fix, however rather a sluggish procedure of rebuilding your health and also energy at a deep mobile level. That takes some time! Yet the effects are long lasting. When I obtain a nutritional IV currently, I really feel raised power that lasts for days.

I likewise require to point out the truth that, thanks to these micronutrient shots, I haven't been sick at all this winter when people are falling ill left and right. The injections strengthened my body immune system versus viral infections.

HOW I BENEFITED FROM NUTRITIONAL THERAPY:

power boost

raised psychological clarity

decreased inflammation

strengthened body immune system

Where to Get IV Nutritional Therapy?

Many natural medicine practitioners use nutritional therapy. You can likewise obtain injections at IV bars, which are personal clinic/spa/wellness centers providing "one dimension fits all" IV packages. My recommendations? Deal with a physician that knows you and also recognizes any and all of your pre-existing problems. Your physician needs to also run a complete panel blood work prior to beginning any type of nutritional treatment.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Blood Vessels Small as well as Uncooperative? Hydrate well a number of days prior to the treatment. You can additionally try working out directly prior to the treatment, sitting in a sauna before the therapy, and/or asking the phlebotomist to apply a warm water container to the insertion location. Shot Stinging? When the IV is put right into the criminal of my joint, where the blood vessels are larger and also blood circulation is strong, I do not really feel anything. When the IV is inserted closer to my hand, on my wrist or directly on my hand where the veins are smaller, the injection can sting a little bit. Ask the phlebotomist to lower the rate of the drip. Also, carefully rubbing your arm will aid soothe the sting. Excruciating Glutathione Injection? Yes, glutathione can sting when infused also quick. Ask the phlebotomist to go very gradually or to dilute the glutathione in saline option.

MY GUIDANCE:

If you are embarking on a nutritional therapy regimen, I would urge you to be client and give it a long time. Many people report feeling the valuable effects just after 4-5 sessions. For me, it took much longer. Remember that all of us start in a different place so your experience will certainly be reflective of where your body is at the moment you start. Also, make certain you are working with an educated group you trust. This is specifically important if you are managing an autoimmune disease or persistent illness.

In general, I located IV nutritional therapy to be very handy. Remember that there are no over night repairs, however if you are patient, you may locate that IV nutritional therapy is a fantastic enhancement to your healing trip. Do your research study, discover a practitioner you trust fund, as well as best of luck! Improved energy is within your reach!

The post “ MY EXPERIENCE WITH IV NUTRITIONAL THERAPY (MODIFIED MYERS COCKTAIL) “ was seen first on Squirrel In The Kitchen

If you want to get your own vitamin drip treatment, visit http://www.theivlounge.ca/ located in Toronto, Ontario. Or call them at (647) 549-3484 for inquiries.

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ineedrelationshipadvice · 7 years

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I'm a 26-year old guy and Ive noticed the last three times ive had sex with a girl i struggle to sustain an erection. i mostly use porn to get off in between hook ups and indulge usually 1-2x per week, less so recently. i think what my problem is, is that I'm desensitized and/or my brain gets excited mostly when it knows I'm about watch porn. the kicker here is that I'm hanging out with this girl Friday and there's a 99% chance we'll have sex. any advice? i haven't watched porn for over a week

Welp, certainly missed the mark on this one. But if you come back and read this, hopefully you were successful!

That being said, the harsh reality here is that it definitely sounds like you’re experiencing what scientists call porn-induced erectile dysfunction. It may not be the case - there are A LOT of issues that can cause various types of erectile dysfunction. But if YOU feel like there’s a relationship, that’s a good cause for alarm.

Firstly, what is it? Here’s a good review and understanding to get you started. It also be stated straight-out, PORN IS NOT ADDICTIVE. Addictive materials alter the chemistry of your body with the introduction of the addictive substance (alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, etc.). Instead, porn is a COMPULSIVE material, and although it can have real world effects, the compulsive behaviour is not built into the body, but is instead a reaction to experiences people have to the world around them (stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can all create reasons to compulsively use porn, similarly to that forms of escapism).

Essentially, ED caused by porn results from a place of over-stimulation. Using porn all the time conditions the brain to associate the act of preparing and then engaging with the porn as a sexual act, and if you use high volumes of porn (LOTS of different videos of extreme, hardcore porn) it can train your brain to think that this is how porn is, with all that stimulation. And when you don’t get that experience in real life, your expectations for sex aren’t met, and thus you find it difficult to get aroused. More info from Laci Green here.

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So for your particular meeting this weekend, there’s not much that could have been done. Retraining your brain can be a very difficult process depending on how severe the issue is. So much so, that it might even require a sexologist or therapist to help you through the process. Which is something you should keep in mind if this problem persists!

The general advice to “cure” ED from porn use is as follows:

CUT OUT THE PORN. The big issue here is that porn has become as vital to your sexual experience as an erection. Your brain is smart, and it does a lot of automatic processes during sexual arousal, like speeding heart rate and breathing, as well as all the processes that go into making the penis erect. The problem is, if this is a problem you’re suffering from, the porn itself has become part of the process, and if your brain relates porn + automatic function = erection, then if that porn isn’t there, you won’t be aroused.

Now pay attention to what I said here. I didn’t say STOP MASTURBATING. I said stop watching porn when you masturbate. The porn is the problem, and you need to rewrite the algorithm in your brain to retrain it to understand that porn is not a requirement for arousal. You kinda already instinctively figured this out, and cut down on the masturbation time. But now I suggest you begin to try to masturbate without porn.

I know that probably sounds awful. If you can’t get it up with an actual person, how can you do it alone? That’s the goal. You have to retrain your brain that erotic thoughts - and thoughts alone - are enough to make you aroused. By removing porn from the equation, it forces you use your brain and imagination to become aroused. Think of arousing images in your mind, or think of attractive people in your mind, and then try to masturbate. This may not work! You may just by flapping away at a floppy dick. That’s okay. Don’t try to cum, don’t even try to get hard. Just have a fun, nice moment enjoying an erotic thought. Kind of like when you were a kid, and imagined a classmate in their underwear, and maybe impulsively touched yourself. This is the type of space in your mind you want to rediscover for yourself. Leave your computer and phone behind. Turn off all technology, get in bed, maybe light some candles, and imagine some super steamy, hot sexual scenarios, and see if over the period of a month or so, you can get aroused this way.

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MASTURBATE DIFFERENTLY. This may sound kind of dumb, but it’s very important for those suffering from ED. Part of the arousal process is the way we do it. We experience pleasure in specific ways, and if a way that we experience pleasure doesn’t align with the way we are used to experiencing pleasure, our brain sometimes interprets that as “oh, this isn’t pleasurable.”

As an example, you can see this in a huge majority of young women, particularly pre-teens and teens just discovering their sexuality right after puberty. In western culture, men are taught from a young age that it’s okay to be more open about their perviness; however, lots of women are shamed from an early age to reject their perversions and sexual thoughts for a sense of idealized purity. This is obviously bullshit, but it’s the way parenting and education happens to prepubescent children.

The result of this conditioning is that there are LOTS of girls who suddenly hit puberty, start having all these horny feelings, but feel they are deeply strange and shameful. “I would never finger myself, that’s WRONG.” “It hurts to have sex, because I never masturbate.” “I don’t like to masturbate because it doesn’t feel good.” It’s not that any of these people are lying; it’s simple that they have been conditioned to think these various thoughts, through YEARS and even DECADES of negative reinforcement of sexual habits.

How does this relate to you? Well, for those who do masturbate, sometimes we can condition ourselves to appreciate pleasure in only one way. If all you do is drop onto your couch, turn the porn on, and surf until it’s time to cum, you condition your brain into the habit of THIS being the sexual experience. This is what sex looks like for your body 99% of the time, but then you meet with a girl... but you’re not naked on your couch, and there’s no porn on... this isn’t sex, this is some other situation, no arousal.

How to fix? CHANGE IT UP. Similarly to not using porn to find arousal, try to use different methods physically to become aroused. Do you use your right hand every time to masturbate? Try to use your left, or flip your hand upside down while stroking. Want a more “sex-like” experience? Try masturbating with condoms on (or with lube!), since you’re hopefully using those when hooking up anyway! Still not enough? HUMP THINGS! Couches, pillows, old stuffed animals, beds, blankets, and all sort of things can give a full body sensation of sexual pleasure. Usually sit down at your computer to masturbate? Lie down in bed instead, or even stand up while you do it! Still want an extra special something? BUY SOME SEX TOYS! Go to Adam & Eve (not a sponsor, they’re just dope) and buy a toy that suits your needs. Too cheap? Make your own sex toys!

The point is back to that conditioning thing. You want to condition your brain to understand that there are LOTS of different places where it’s okay to be aroused, so when you find yourself in a new situation (aka, with a person, in real life) your body doesn’t feel like this is an inappropriate place to do the deed.

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Another very important thing to say here at the end. You BELIEVE that this is your problem, but it is also entirely possible this ISN’T the problem. It’s possible you are experiencing anxiety in sexual encounters with people. If you feel scared or anxious in the moment, this requires a different method of recovery, and you need to learn to calm your mind and try to remember that the expectations you feel at your performance are fair and valid, but they aren’t expectations, and it’s all in your head.

Also, MEDICINE. Lots of medications can fuck with your ability to get hard. Research your medications and see if one of the downsides is erectile dysfunction. If yes, contact your doctor and tell him you’re experiencing these problems.

Also also, mind altering substances! Alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana just to name a few have all been noted as items that can decrease the ability to feel aroused or get aroused, especially in men. Maybe you struggle to get aroused because you’ve had too much to drink, or there’s too much THC in your system, or nicotine has decreased blood flow to your body. If you use any sort of drug, narcotic, or substance like this, maybe cut that out of your diet for awhile!

The bottom line is that all this shit is way more complicated than we assume at first glance, and you should take the potential that porn is the problem seriously. But make sure you analyze your whole self during the process to figure out what the actual issue is, and don’t be afraid to approach doctors with these concerns.

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