#talked to someone and I feel a lot better. trying hard to ignore the 'issue' and tell myself not to worry abt it but it's really hard to do

[nerdysleepybunny]

I got this idea while talking with a Husk bot on character.ai LMAO there will be more Hazbin fics coming, I just need to find the motivation to write them ^^

☁️🩷N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y🩷☁️

Fandom(s): Hazbin Hotel

Character(s): Husk

Reader: Gender-neutral (you/your)

TW: Alcohol, crying

Style: Short story

Summary: You’ve been crying at the bar for a while now. When Husk finally decides to ask why, you give him probably the dumbest story he’s ever heard. But he comforts you regardless.

☁️🩷N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y🩷☁️

It was a late night in the Hazbin Hotel. Husk should’ve closed the bar a while ago, as there were no more customers to serve at this hour. But he was forced to stay on the clock due to you. You’ve been sitting in that same stool, sobbing and occasionally sipping on the drink he had given you a while ago. It was honestly just sad seeing you like this. With only your choked sobs and sniffles filling the otherwise quiet room, it was hard to ignore you. Even with all the booze he was drinking.

But you and Husk haven’t talked much. Sure, he’s memorized your favorite drinks, and he’s learned a lot about you just by observing you during Charlie’s bonding activities. But you haven’t exactly talked one on one. So he couldn’t find it in him to just… comfort you. Especially since it’s already been, what? Ten minutes? Husk just sat there and chugged down bottle after bottle, occasionally glancing at you to see if you were calming down. He just hoped that you’d stop crying soon and fuck off so he could finally close the bar.

But when you did begin to calm down, Husk’s attitude was different. Your cries slowly morphed into hiccups as you began to take deep breaths, finally trying to calm yourself. And instead of kicking you out like he would anyone else, he finally spoke up. “What happened, kid?”

You perked up at the sound of Husk’s voice, honestly forgetting that he had even been there. He was so silent while you were crying, you may as well have been in an empty room. But you were too embarrassed to answer Husk’s question. The reason you were crying wasn’t ideal in the slightest, and you’ve seen how Husk was. Especially with Angel Dust. Always so judgmental… surely he’d laugh at you if you told him. “Nothing, it’s stupid.”

Husk rose one of his (comically) large eyebrows at you. He was a bartender, he’s heard it all before. Relationship issues, trauma, losing a loved one. Hell, even Alastor has gotten too drunk and spilled some… very much not needed information to the poor cat demon. How could your issues be any worse? “Kid, if it’s making you cry this hard, it must be a big deal to you.”

And he was right. It was a big deal for you, but for others? It was laughable. But you wanted to tell someone, since nobody else understood. Maybe he’d be the one to sympathize with you. So you took a deep breath, bracing yourself, and drunkenly slurred your troubles to him.

“My friend took my favorite shirt and stretched it out. It doesn’t fit me the same anymore, and I won’t be able to find another one like it.”

Husk just… blinked. And stared. Had he heard you right? So the reason he’s been sitting here listening to you sob for a good ten-fifteen minutes, was because of a goddamn shirt? “…that’s it?”

You could practically hear the disappointment in Husk’s voice, and a sigh left your lips as you buried your face in your arms. You weren’t in the mood to be judged. “Nevermind. Forget it.”

Husk could hear the defeat in your voice, and it was enough to make his ears go flat against his head. He didn’t mean to upset you further. In fact, he didn’t mean it in that way at all. “No, kid-! I didn’t mean it like that. I just thought you’d be crying over something more serious.” Husk had to think fast. You were already upset, and he had no idea how to make you feel better. “Listen… I get it, y’know? It sucks losing things you’re attached to.”

You hadn’t expected that from Husk at all, to the point you questioned if maybe he was faking it. But his words sounded so genuine, making you slowly lift your head from your arms to peek. Your eyes met his yellow ones, and his ears quickly lifted once he realized you were looking, like he didn’t want you to see that he actually cared. But you had seen the movement clear as day, even with the tears in your eyes. It made you smile.

Husk assumed that you were smiling because of his words, so he decided to keep going. “You wanna know something, kid? Back when I was alive, I had this hat. It was the damn best hat I’ve ever owned. Wore it every day. But then I lost it… and I never really got over it.” Seeing the curious glint in your eyes, Husk smiled. Just a little. “Yeah. It still hurts me, y’know? Every time I see a sinner down here with a similar hat, I feel the pain all over again.”

☁️🩷N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y🩷☁️

Bonus: You and Husk surprised each other with a new hat and a new shirt. You became more than just drinking buddies in no time. :)

[nicromancytarot]

WHAT DOES YOUR BODY WANT YOU TO KNOW

This is a general reading based on a collective of people. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. If you don’t feel the pile resonates with you, don’t be scared to try another, if it still doesn’t feel right, that’s ok! Maybe our energies aren’t as connected and my readings are not for you.

I do these strictly for fun and educational purposes. I don’t change for these readings and I do not fake readings. I would tell you the cards I got but I pull like 20-30 cards each reading and that just slightly a strenuous task to write them all down lmao.

PICK A CARD READING

I asked my spirit guides to tell me what your body wants you to know right now. Pick a pile and find out what they had to say!

Pile 1 ———> Pile 2 ———> Pile 3

PILE 1

You guys seem to be having issues with your posture out of everything right now, perhaps you are on the taller side and have to lean down, or tilt your head down to see others, or perhaps it’s the complete opposite. I am seeing someone who is struggling with back problems, many of the cards in this spread are holding onto something which is attached to the ground, so you may have a walking stick, or constantly struggle with balance due to pain.

A few of you are sat at your computer for too long, you’re leaning over and messing up your posture. Any of you who are working at computers often, or maybe you’re a streamer or something, make sure to take care of your physical health first, and do hand/wrist exercises, as well as stretches.

Your body is telling you to rest, they’re saying to allow yourself to take a moment off and lean against the wall, or sit down and just let yourself be calmed by the weight of your body being lifted off your shoulders.

There could be a possibility that you need to get something checked out at the doctors, I’m seeing dizzy spells? If you get dizzy when you stand up, I would recommend looking into booking an appointment just to get it checked out, perhaps you will find a cure.

PILE 2

You guys seem to be dealing with a lot physically right now, I’m seeing that your body is begging you to take a break lmao, as if they are trying to tell you that a rest is needed for you to be able to achieve what you want to. I’m seeing a lot of issues, eyes, head, hands, and legs are the main ones for you my pile 2. I see that you are aware of these issues, but you are trying your best to ignore it, as if trying to tell yourself that they are not all so severe and that you are being dramatic, but it seems like you’re not.

I think you’re working hard on something now, and it’s taking a toll on your mental well-being, like if you’re an athlete and in need of working out constantly, it may affect you with the level of pain that you have to deal with due to the aftermath. The back of your legs might be in a lot of pain right now, for this I would recommend allowing yourself to rest up.

Cluster headaches or migraines? Try sitting in a completely blacked out room, only thing to light it will be a red light, and sleep. It’ll help, I promise.

There’s certain sounds that you’re listening to, which are messing with your head, your body is asking you to try some white or brown noise, possibly paired with some theta waves for reparation.

Get yourself outside to enjoy something sporty and fun, I’m heading baseball, basketball, tennis.

PILE 3

You guys are in need of some vitamin D, your body is begging you to get outside and enjoy the sun, you’re nearing summer so I would recommend working out to achieve your summer body goals. Your body is currently rejecting someone, if you constantly feel drained around a certain person, or possibly they’re giving you a headache, or making you sick, that person is who we are talking about. Your body would appreciate if you would let this person go, so you can feel the best once again.

I got the word salad… perhaps eat a salad, whether it’s for health or losing weight, your body is recommending eating better and healthier so you can be the most superior version of you.

Some of you could possibly have a leak or something in your house, there’s a chance that mould could be growing somewhere and it’s making you really tired and fatigued, I would 100% recommend looking into it, even if it’s not a physical thing you can see, it might be growing somewhere unexpected.

Some of you are going through something really rough right now, and you need to allow yourself to mourn this situation, but do not do anything to the point that you are crying yourself until you’re physically drained, make sure to give yourself breaks, and time.

[kindnessoverperfection]

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

[cowboyfromh3ll]

Hcs for the boys' toxic traits. Preferably arthur, javier, john, and charles, but other boys are welcome too! I'm curious to see what you'd say Dutch's toxic traist are, though they're pretty self explanatory 😭

I just love how you write sm sorreyyyy

Van Der Linde Gang's Toxic traits

(Arthur Morgan, Javier Escuella, John Marston, Charles Smith, Micah Bell, Dutch Van Der Linde, Sean Macguire, Kieran Duffy, Eagle Flies)

HAHAHA THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE. I tried not to sugarcoat anything.

Arthur Morgan - He definitely has some trouble communicating. Not to say he never will communicate with you but it'll be long in between and after it's been plaguing him for a milenium. As we've seen, this man is capable of having deep, well thought out conversations. He'd also be pretty prideful to some degree. Mostly depends what point in time you start dating, later in game he'd be able to see past his pride. Also, I feel like if you were dating a major point of contention in your relationship would be questioning whether it's time to move on from this life.

Javier Escuella - WAY too jealous. I don't even mean it in a cute way but in a way that would genuinely cause several arguments between you two. "Why were you looking at him that way?" "That sounded like you were flirting with him" "Why do you spend so much time around the other guys?" Would also be around you 24/7. Someone would be incapable of having a conversation with you that doesn't include Javier. You two would also argue about Dutch's leadership skills.

John Marston - Oh my God this man is so indecisive. Doesn't know what he wants ever. In a modern setting you two would be sitting in the car, asking each other back and forth "what do you wanna eat?". And his commitment issues? Good lord. At some points in your relationship it'd probably feel like you guys aren't dating at all. You'd probably have to beg him to put some effort into the relationship to be honest.

Charles Smith - It's so hard to think of ANYTHING this man can do wrong but alas, I must. You probably wouldn't be his top priority at all times. Which isn't to say you should ALWAYS be at the top of his list, but sometimes it can result in your feelings being neglected over a situation that affects you. Only when the day reaches it's end will he consult you over something, which will have you feeling incredibly frustrated.

Micah Bell - This man is a walking red flag so let's not dance around his flaws. Incredibly prideful, will ignore your warnings over something just to get his way. Also probably lies to you A LOT. Can be way too rough with you in many aspects. Also this man embodies the word sleezy. Yuck.

Dutch Van Der Linde - Do I even need to say. So fucking stubborn. He also probably thinks he's intelectually superior to you. If you bring up a concern to him he'll probably use as many flowery and big words as possible to make himself appear smarter during the discussion than he actually is. And if you advise him to do anything he'll probably just ignore you, saying you don't know what you're talking about. All in all, thinks he's better than you. Also you're probably a trophy wife since Dutch views women as accessories to his success, if you can even call it success.

Sean Macguire - He doesn't take anything seriously. If you're trying to have a genuine discussion with him he'll play it down and make it seem less important or severe than it actually is. Don't even bother trying to emphasize how serious you are because he won't take that seriously either. It's only until he feels the consequences of his actions will he listen to you, which results in a frustrating cycle.

Kieran Duffy - Also very indecisive but in the way where he can't speak up for himself because he doesn't think it's important. Has such low self esteem, he also probably thinks his emotions are less important which results in a lot of miscommunication on his behalf. Sorta just let's you take the lead all the way, always let's you have your way, with no valuable input of his own. You have to shake his shoulders and beg for him to actually speak his mind.

Eagle Flies - He's probably so childish. Like, mommy issues CEO over here. Will probably seek for you to fulfill that role in his life. Has almost no control over his emotions and has trouble identifying them, and when he does indentify them, has absolutely no idea what to do with them in terms of expression. He will make various efforts to communicate with you but will struggle immensely. Being with him will probably be like teaching a man how to experience emotions in a healthy way. I could write an entire post dedicated to what I think his toxic traits are

More eagle flies ones

[chimcess]

Waterlog || pjm (4)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Olympic Swimmer!Jimin, Ex Olympic Swimmer! Reader, Swim Coach!Reader Genre: Strangers to Friends to Lovers!AU, Coach!AU, Swimming!AU, HEAVY Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, fluff, eventual smut, I'm so soft for these two it's crazy. Word Count: 11.8k+ Synopsis: After a car accident ends her athletic career, Y/N has slowly started rebuilding her life again as a high school swim coach. That’s until she gets a request from an old friend and finds herself back in the spotlight as the new coach of Olympic swimmer, Park Jimin. Warnings: ANGST, crying, mental health issues, talking about mental health, I'm so soft for them it's actually wild, best boyfriend Jimin, did I say angst????, past drug use, past alcohol addiction, past trauma talk, crying, anxiety, hand holding, touching as a love language, Jimin can't keep his hands to himself, he does try his best though, pining, sexual tension, banter, I love these two A/N: I know we're a couple of weeks late updating, but I've been very busy with moving so I haven't had the energy to write. I did a very quick edit, so this might not be perfect. I'm planning on coming back once I'm in my new place to do a full proofread. Hope you like the update!

prev || masterlist || next || playlist

Hand clutching my phone, I sighed. All around me the airport buzzed with life. I had almost forgotten how hectic the Denver Airport was. A few feet away I saw a mother struggling to keep her children together while her husband scrolled on his phone. I must have made some sort of noise, subconsciously voicing my annoyance, because Jimin laughed.

“What’s going on, gran?” He teased, voice light. “See a couple of youngins on your lawn?”

I scoffed, tearing my eyes away from the family. “Just a shitty husband ignoring his children.”

He hissed, sucking in air through his teeth, “The worst kind of dude. Are you alright?”

Softening, I finally spotted my luggage on the conveyor belt. Twisting my torso, I did a light stretch and then quickly snatched the heavy bag up. “Not too anxious, right?”

He had been very worried about letting me come home for a visit. When I had originally brought it up he offered himself up for the job, but I was not a fan of that idea. My friends would definitely bring up our date and I did not want to deal with the awkwardness that would cause. Especially since we had yet to go on it. That would not matter to Hoseok, however, and the teasing would have been endless. Better to spare Jimin from their wrath for just a little while longer.

“I’m cool,” I replied, softening. “Just got my stuff from baggage claim. I’m going to let you go so I can call Andy.”

“Okay bug. See you in a few days.”

Harper had recently started calling me that, forgetting my real name and not caring enough to ask for it. Eloise had tried to scold her for it, but I told her I did not mind it. It caught on with Cameron not too long after that, and soon the entire Park family had started using the little nickname. Jimin thought it was adorable from the beginning but had only started using it after our talk the other night.

I laughed, “I’m going to call you tonight.”

“Aw,” I knew he had that stupid smile on his face. “Miss me that much?”

“Someone needs to make sure you’re staying out of trouble,” I replied, a confident pep in my step I had not had in years. “But yes, I do miss you.”

There was a pregnant pause. 

“I miss you too.”

I could feel my heart melting. I was still getting used to our new dynamic. On most days we were strictly business, and were able to set aside the very large, very apparent elephant in the room. It was not until we had finished with work that those roles dropped, and we were able to just be us. 

Ever since my confession in the car Jimin spoke a hell of a lot more. Apparently, he had a hard time keeping his feelings to himself and chose to talk a little less in order to avoid a slip up. He wanted to give us both a little bit of time to get to know one another before springing his crush on me.

“Going soft, kid?” Playing things off with humor was Jimin’s thing, but it had slowly started to rub off on me. “It’s only two days.”

“I know,” He pouted. “Call your friend. It’s cold and you’ll get sick.”

“Hey,” I cut the teasing tone I had, “You’re not upset I came here by myself, right?”

“No,” He chuckled with an unmistakable fondness. “I’m just messin’ with you. I’m not ready to meet your friends and you need some alone time. We’re good, I promise.”

I sighed in relief, “Okay. Good. I’m going to go now. Talk to you later?”

“Call me when you can,” He replied, voice light.

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye, bug.”

I was disappointed to hear the line go dead but knew I could aimlessly walk around this airport all day if given the chance, so long as he was there with me. Trying to get my thoughts back on track, I sent a text to Andy asking if she was here yet. If not, I was already making plans to call Jimin back.

Andy: I’m parked in 5 near C Gates

Andy: Be careful

Andy: Saw a lady almost get hit by a car just now

Me: See you in a sec

Me: Should I be worried?

I knew she was trying to make a joke, but car accident punchlines never went over all that well with me. Even if I knew the chances of that happening to me were almost zero, I really did not want to have a panic attack in the airport parking lot. 

Andy: Not at all. I’m so sorry for even saying anything. I can come meet you at the doors if you want.

Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. Sigh of relief. I was fine. 

Me: I appreciate you

Me: Is babygirl here?

Dani would help the spike of anxiety dissipate. The girl was fearless and was sure to be distracting enough to keep me from paying attention to the oncoming traffic. I suddenly wished that Jimin was here. He always knew what to do.

Andy: Jin and I are weak

Andy: We let her play hooky

Bobbing and weaving through bodies, I tossed my phone into my purse and made my way out of the airport. The arrivals station was packed, and I would need to take the automated train to where Andrea was parked. It was my least favorite part about this airport, but it beat Dallas-Fort Worth by a landslide. I had gotten lost in that airport more times than I could count. 

Three minutes later I was getting out of the train and stepping into C Gates. I could smell Auntie Anne’s and felt my mouth begin to water. Checking my clock, I decided it would not hurt to make a quick spot for lunch. Andy would appreciate it and I knew Dani loved their pretzel dog. 

There was a little less traffic in C Gates. More of the expensive airlines let out here, and all you could see were business professionals pacing back and forth. A family on vacation bumped into me while I was waiting in line, and I almost gave up my spot when their toddler started screaming. 

“No, no,” His mother insisted, her hair a mess on the top of her head. “Between the girls and my mom, we’ll be here all day. Go ahead, sweetie.”

Two little girls danced around me as we waited, the line moving at a snail's pace due to the airport being understaffed. They asked me questions incessantly, and while their mother had tried her best to keep them in line, I told her I was fine with the extra attention. I loved kids and the girls were harmless. The boy in her arms kept repeating “pizza” and soon an elderly woman joined them. 

If the girls talked a lot, they had nothing on grandma. Not only did she never shut her mouth, she was loud and obnoxiously laughing every few seconds. The boy was quick to beg to be in her arms and mom got a break. She was back to attempting to corral the girls, but again they did not really listen. 

“They’re only like this when my mom’s around,” She sighed, frustrated and tired. “We’re meeting up with their father and they’re all a little restless.”

“It’s no bother,” I lied. The girls really were not that bad. Just a couple of four-year-olds having fun. The only person who was really getting on my nerves was her mother, but I was not about to say that. “Better to get it out now than in the car, right?”

She cracked a tired smile, “Right.”

Finally, it was my turn to order. The young girl behind the counter gave me an award-winning smile while another young blonde was in the back getting all of the orders out.

“Hi, welcome to Auntie Anne’s. How can I help you today?”

“Can I get one original pretzel, one cinnamon sugar pretzel, and a pretzel dog combo with a lemonade and cheese,” Glancing behind me, I sighed. “Throw in a pizza pretzel, two orders of pretzel nuggets, and whatever else the family behind me wants.”

She smiled, blue eyes twinkling prettily in the bright lights. Turning around I waved the mother over and told her to get something for her and her mother. She put up a small fight, but eventually gave in when she realized I had already put our orders together.

“Thank you so much,” I thought she might burst into tears when my card was approved. “You really didn’t need to do that.”

I shrugged, “It was nothing. Have a nice vacation.”

Walking to the pickup area, my order was already waiting for me. With nothing more than a simple wave, I left the dysfunctional family behind. The grandmother’s loud thank you seemed to echo off of the airport walls, but it was a little less grating now that I knew I would never hear it again. 

Andy threw herself at me when I finally made it outside, little Dani wrapping her arms around my legs with squeals of delight louder than her mother’s. Taking her pretzel, Andy gave me a fat, wet kiss on the cheek and told Dani she could eat in the car. 

“How’s gymnastics, girlie?” I asked the little girl once we were in the car. “Still kicking ass?”

“No,” She laughed. “I quit, like, forever ago. Appa put me in ballet classes.”

I gave Andy a look. The red head rolled her eyes, fixing me with a knowing look. I had been telling Jin to put her in dance for years.

“It’s been two weeks and she’s already trying to talk him into figure skating.”

“You’re a little hustler, huh?” I reached into the back, squeezing her knee. Dani giggled, angling her body away from mine. She was very ticklish. “Keep at it. You know your dad’s a sucker.”

Dani laughed, “My vovó says the same thing.”

We listened to Olivia Rodrigo on our way to the Kim house. Hoseok and Matilda had planned a huge coming back party for me, and from what it sounded like, I was going to meet Tilly’s new boyfriend. 

“Anything I need to know about Max?” I asked.

Andy was almost as in the dark about the guy as I was but was able to tell me he was a tattoo artist from California. The two of them met at Frank’s bookstore and by the end of their conversation Max had managed to get her out to dinner and in his bed. It was a whirlwind romance, one that made me feel uneasy about its foundation, but I was still obligated to be happy for my friend. They could be soulmates for all I knew, and I was not about to judge anybody else for their version of a first date.

“I don’t want to talk about tattoo guy anymore,” Andy whined playfully, turning up the radio when “Good 4 U” came on. “I need to know more about your little boyfriend.”

I groaned, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

This was why I was so adamant Jimin stayed away. We had yet to have a real talk about what we were, choosing to wait for our first date to iron out those details, but no one in my circle seemed to understand. All they heard was the word date and suddenly wedding bells started going off. 

“Stop deflecting. We both know he’s your boyfriend, official or not,” She laughed, stealing looks at her daughter in the rearview. “What’s he like?”

It was a hard question to answer. On the one hand, I felt like I knew him better than anybody else, but I was self aware enough to know I didn’t. His body language, the way he looked when he beat his best time, and all of his preferred gear were seared into my mind. The movies he liked, his favorite albums, and all of the best tv shows ever made. He went to college. He was the sweetest, kindest, most understanding person I had ever met, and yet… he still felt far away. The shadows that oftentimes clouded his vision were still a mystery to me, and when he came into practice with a lost look on his face, I felt helpless. I knew him and yet I didn’t.

“He’s quiet,” I finally landed on. “Very nice. Always willing to help other people out if he can. You’d like him.”

Andrea scoffed, “That’s it? The first guy you’ve dated in years and all you can tell me is I’d like him?”

“We’re still getting to know each other,” I sighed. “What do you want to know?”

We spent the rest of the car ride going over the last two months' worth of pining. I told her about Fiona, Jimin’s family, and all of my new friends. She almost pissed herself laughing when I told her about the night he asked me out, making so many Hoseok and Tilly jokes I had a difficult time focusing on the story. Andrea seemed to be finished with her interrogation when we pulled up at her house. 

Dani ran to the front door, her excitement about the party making any discomfort I had disappear. It was hard to feel uncomfortable with her around. Taking my hand in hers, the little girl shifted her weight from foot to foot, shouting at her mom to hurry up, and opening the front door anyway. Andy told her to calm down, and I just chuckled and went along with it.

The living room was filled with all of my favorite people, a large ‘welcome home’ sign hanging on the large, backwall. Underneath it was a huge table covered in food, a cake in the middle of it, and I had a feeling Sarah made it. Both her and Frank were the first people to notice me, their faces lighting up, and I let go of Dani’s hand in favor of embracing the elderly couple. The rest of the party comers erupted their voices loud and filled with love as they took turns passing me around. 

“Missed you, Otter,” Hoseok murmured in the crook of my neck, hands secured around my waist.

“Missed you more,” I replied, releasing him and catching Tilly. “Jeez, girl. Trying to kill me?”

“Come meet Max,” She replied, dragging me away from Hoseok.

Max was a tall, lanky guy with black hair that fell down his back. His clothes were on the baggier side, all black, and I recognized the band on his t-shirt from the shit Matilda liked to listen to in the car. He smiled at me, and I was surprised to see him rocking adult braces. He introduced himself, his voice deep and warm, and shook my hand. They were baby soft and covered in tattoos. 

“It’s great to see you,” I replied, genuinely meaning it. If I had to picture a guy more perfect for Tilly, I would come up empty handed. “Thanks for coming.”

He flushed, impossibly pale skin turning a bright shade of red reminding me of Jimin. 

“Anything for Mattie,” He replied.

Huh, he had his own nickname for her and everything. I would need to hang out with Max more before I could say if I liked him or not, but so far, I had a good feeling. Andrea’s worries seemed a bit silly now. They really liked each other, and Tilly’s heartbreaking, dimpled smile made me feel more confident in her partner. They would be just fine. 

The party was fun, and I ate more spinach and artichoke dip than was healthy. Hoseok and I talked about my afterschool visit tomorrow. The boys had a swim meet Saturday and the two of us were hoping we could tag team in order to iron out any issues they had been having. I was being placed in charge of the freshmen while Hoseok made sure the other kids were feeling confident and ready for the meet.

"Let's party!" Frank boomed, lifting a beer into the air.

I laughed, "Be careful, old timer. Don't want you to hurt yourself."

I thought of Jimin again. That sounded like something he would say. Surrounded by the people I loved, I laughed hard and partied harder. The plates of food came one right after the other, and I was happy that I still had a place here. Falling back into my step, I fit seamlessly back into the fold.

"Dance with me," Hoseok demanded, tipsy and red-faced.

"It's your toes," I replied, taking his head and letting him take the lead.

The other couples were already dancing and hooped and hollered as I awkwardly followed the steps. I was not always a bad dancer but lost some of my rhythm in the accident. Hoseok never minded and let me step on his feet without a single complaint.

"You look happy," He commented, spinning me around.

I smiled, "I am."

He smiled back, wincing when I stomped down on his toes again. I apologized, but he just held my hand a little tighter and kept moving. I hummed along to the song, filled with joy. He spun me again, and finally let me go when I slammed into Jin.

"Go get some cake or something," He laughed. "You're too dangerous to be out here."

I rolled my eyes, "I tried to tell you. It's your fault you don't listen."

"Don't need you anyway. I have enough swag for the both of us."

I watched, thoroughly amused from the sidelines, as he moon-walked around the living room.

I left just before midnight after staying behind to help Andy and Jin clean up. The others left a few hours before to get back to Denver at a decent time. My house looked the same as always, dark and empty, but I could tell the landscapers had been around. The grass was recently cut and edged.

The silence inside was deafening. I had always known my place was too big for one person, but after spending so much time in my little she-shed at the Andersons’ house, everything here just felt excessive. Tossing my keys in the bowl beside the door, I wiped my eyes and decided to just head to bed. I would only be here for three days. I would be back in Saline before I knew it.

Dragging my body upstairs, this sudden depression-filled fatigue made my shoulders feel ten times heavier. A chilling, almost insidious, hollowness began to spread across my body. I knew this feeling all too well and it made me feel pathetic. Could I not be on my own anymore? Had I really grown that attached to my life in Michigan? Finally getting into my bedroom, I realized that I had.

Saline was perfect. Living in Colorado Springs has always bothered me. The people here held more traditional values and making friends was difficult. I had Andy and Jin, but they were both very busy people. Andrea was a full-time nurse, Jin’s schedule was somehow even more erratic than his wife’s, and when they were off, they wanted to spend time with Dani. I was lucky if I saw them once every two weeks. 

Hoseok, Tilly, and Minho all lived in Denver, and while I saw them more often due to the meetings with Frank and Sarah dragging me into the city, it was not like we hung out every time I was out there. Days would go by with me speaking at all, and most of my weekends were spent in bed sleeping. Working at the school helped, but I would never claim anyone from the swim team to be a friend. I was not in the habit of befriending children.

Living in Saline was different. Jimin was always there to make me laugh, and when he wasn’t, I had people like Taehyung and Sam to keep me company. Giselle was young, but we got along so well I often forgot about the difference in age between the two of us. Megan and Yoongi were Michigan’s own version of Andy and Jin, and I could see myself becoming good friends with them given enough time. No one had kids, no one was too busy trying to keep up with crazy expenses, and I could find a little house away from the rest of the world to spend my life in.

I thought of the Parks, a family who I had come to love more than I thought was possible, and the Andersons who took me in and always tried to make me feel comfortable. Eloise and her kindness. Luna and Cameron. All of them. I loved and adored every single one of them, and it was then that I finally let myself really think about what I wanted.

Did I want to come back here after I was finished with the season? Did I really want this massive house if it meant I had no one to share it with? No, I decided. Stripping out of my clothes, the numbness was being replaced with a different strange feeling. It felt suspiciously like hope. Excitement came to me so rarely it was foreign and odd, but nice all the same. Jittery, I took my phone out of my pants pocket.

“Hello?” Jimin’s voice was scratchy when he finally picked up.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “Did I wake you up?”

“Yes, but it’s okay,” I could hear him shuffling around in his bed. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” I breathed, climbing into bed. Then, without thinking, I blurted, “I think I want to move to Michigan.”

I held my breath as I waited for his response. There was no telling how this conversation would go, but I was hopeful. Even if this whole date thing did not go very well, I was positive that we would be able to move past it with a little bit of time. We worked well together and if he was comfortable with it then we could continue working together. Regardless, there was always coaching at a school.

“Like, permanently?”

I nodded but after a moment of silence remembered he could not see me.

“Yeah.”

My stomach started to churn. As the silence on the other end began to stretch, the excitement I felt before faded. Even if I said Jimin and I could get past a potentially awkward break up of sorts, I would not pretend that the thought did not make me physically ill. We would never be the same if that happened. It would be something to think about if it came to pass before the Olympics was over.

“Did something happen?” He finally asked, and I could hear the genuine worry in his tone. “Are you okay?”

The fear shifted to hurt, irritation, and anger, making my eyebrows knit together.

“I’m fine,” I could not keep the bite from my voice. It was petty and wrong of me, but his insinuation that I was not in my right mind was insulting. It made me feel like a child. “Just- forget I said anything. I don’t know what I’m even talking about.”

“Don’t do that,” His steady calmness made me even angrier. “I’m only asking you because it came out of the blue, not because I’m not happy with the idea.”

Now I just felt silly. Here I was making these small revelations, waking him up from his sleep, and then getting snippy because he did not respond the way I had wanted him to. Ugh, I wasn’t even his girlfriend yet and I’m acting like Darcy. A shiver went down my spine. That was an insult above all others.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, the attitude from a few seconds before gone as quickly as it came. “I got defensive for no reason. Sorry.”

He chuckled, the sound barely audible over the phone.

“I forgive you. Now, why do you want to pack your life up for good?”

That made me laugh. It was a sad, pitiful sound. One that did not hold my usual spunk. One I don’t think Jimin had ever heard before. It was impossible to feel sad when he was around.

“I forgot how quiet my house is,” I admitted softly. “I love my friends, but I think coming back just reminded me of how easily I was able to fall back into the routine of it all. Jin and Andy are parents, Tilly has a new boyfriend, and Hoseok and Minho are always so busy with their own lives that I don’t see any of them as often as I would like to.”

Turning on my side, I blinked back a few tears.

“It might sound stupid, but I really do love Saline. I like how busy I am and all of my friends. I bought this place with the hopes of kids and a dog one day, but I don’t think that’ll ever happen, and now it’s just rooms collecting dust. I just-” I let a tear fall, my emotions starting to bubble over. “I don’t like how lonely it feels out here.”

“Doesn’t sound like you like it there. Have you always felt like this?” He asked.

I shook my head, the tears free falling in between sniffles and shaky breaths.

“Not always. Ever since Namjoon died things have been weird. There was a point when I felt suffocated because no one would leave me alone, and then one day everything resumed, and I just got left behind. It was like I woke up and two years just passed me by.”

Jimin comforted me while I cried, telling me how much he hated to hear me so upset, while I worked on calming down. There had been a time in my life when I was not so emotional, but therapy had opened up a whole new side of myself I didn't know existed. Rubbing my face, I sniffled and sank deeper into my mattress. For now, the waterworks had stopped.

“You were recovering,” He soothed. “Your body needed time to heal, and you were traumatized. I don’t think anyone can blame you for zoning out for a bit.”

I hummed, “I know. Doesn’t make it easier to swallow.”

“I know how you feel. When I pulled out of the Olympics last time there was a part of me that felt like a huge failure, but my dad was there to help get my head back on straight. He doesn’t seem like it, but he’s a really great shoulder to cry on.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” My voice was like sandpaper. “James is the sweetest person I’ve ever met.”

I felt heavy. Worn. Used. My eyes begged for me to shut them, but we were just getting back into safer waters, and I didn’t want to burst the bubble. I yawned, covering my mouth and hoping Jimin could not hear the sound. He had gone quiet.

“Can I ask you something?” Jimin’s voice broke through the comfortable silence that had formed around us. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“Shoot,” I forced myself to smile.

“What happened to Namjoon?”

I closed my eyes. This was something I knew would come up sooner or later. My lip wobbled uncontrollably as the second wave of tears crashed over me. I hated talking about this, but I knew it was going to come up sooner or later. Jimin deserved the truth, and honestly, I wanted to tell him. Being vulnerable with someone felt good. Being vulnerable with Jimin was divine. He was always so ready and willing to go along with things, listening and watching my every move, and trying his best to understand me. It was refreshing. It was nice. It was familiar.

“Was he in the accident with you?” He asked and his voice was so, so gentle. 

“Yeah,” I croaked, finally finding my voice. “I went out with some of my friends and got pretty drunk. I was tired and ready to go home, but my ride didn’t want to go home yet. So, I called Joon.”

I sucked in a deep, loud breath. Jimin told me I could stop, that I didn’t owe him anything, but I ignored him. This wasn’t about owing him. This was about letting the guy I liked get to know me. This story was a part of who I was, as fucked up as that may sound, and I wanted him to get to know this facet of my life as deeply as he knew the present day one. 

“Anyway,” I continued. “He offered to come and pick me up. Twenty minutes later I’m getting into his car and we’re on our way home. We’d just gotten engaged and bought our first house together- things were perfect. I had never been happier.

“We ended up taking the long way home because of an accident on the interstate. It was my idea, and Namjoon had a knack for going along with whatever I wanted. We were only two minutes away from the house when we got hit.”

I took a few deep breaths and wiped my face. Jimin was quiet on the other end. After a minute or two, I jumped back into the story.

“There was a four-way intersection around the corner from our place. Our light was green when we drove up. I don't think he thought to check if there was another car coming. He never even saw the truck. He, uh, died on impact.”

“Jesus,” Jimin breathed.

“The other guy was drunk as hell behind the wheel. Not paying attention. Funny thing is, he was the only person who didn’t get critically injured. Just a broken arm and a concussion. He wrapped our car around a light pole. My leg was pinned between the car and the light, and the airbag is what caused the brain injury.”

Jimin cursed under his breath, “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry that happened to you.”

“Yeah,” I gritted out. “Me too.”

He let me cry for a little while, saying over and over again how sorry he was and how he wished he was in Colorado with me. I did not have anything to say to him. It felt like my chest had been ripped open and my heart was on full display. 

I never questioned how quickly we went from barely talking, to joking around, to sitting up late at night on the phone talking about life. It just happened. Clutching my phone in my hand, I let out a deep breath and held back any more tears from falling. I never said it, but I wished he was here, too.

“Hey,” His voice was gentle when he spoke, so fragile and sweet, that I had to force down the sobs threatening to come out. “I just want to say I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. You wanting to move here is probably the best thing I’ve heard all fucking year, but I just didn’t want to sway your decision.”

Sniffling, I tried to tell him I wasn’t upset, but he shut me down almost immediately.

“Let me finish,” His voice did not leave room for argument. “I know I don’t act like I’m insecure, but I am. I can be selfish and self-centered, and I’ve always had to really work on those parts of myself.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with anything,” I mumbled, curling into a ball beneath my blankets. 

“Like I said, I can be a very selfish person,” He sighed. “There was this part of my brain just wanting to hear you say you were coming here and staying with me for forever. I didn’t want that to take over the narrative. And- no offense, but if you did move all the way out here just to date me, I think I’d be a little creeped out honestly.”

I snorted. Hearing that he felt the need to explain any of that to me felt like a small win, even if it did make an alarm go off in my head. It took courage to be that open and honest with another person, especially someone who just cried their eyes out. His compassion and understanding never failed to amaze me, and I was grateful he trusted me enough to let me into his mind for once. Still, it did not make the creep comment any less funny.

“Don’t laugh,” He whined, unable to stop himself from chuckling. “I’m being serious.”

“So do you want me to be a creepy stalker or not?” I joked, hoping to lighten up the mood. “Make up your mind, kid.”

“I think I just want you to be yourself,” I melted. “That’s been working out just fine so far. I mean, if you are a creepy stalker, you managed to get me to like you.”

“Mission accomplished,” I breathed, still reeling from his sweet words. “You better watch out, 007. There’s a new spy in town.”

“So, I’m Bond and you’re Joe Goldburg?”

“Exactly,” My cheeks hurt from how much I was smiling. “Penn Badgley would be a decent James Bond. He was really great in Margin Call.”

I bit my lip, trying to suppress my smile.

“Holy shit, you actually watched it?”

Margin Call was one of Jimin's favorite movies from 2011. He kept a very large notebook filled with all of the movies he’s ever seen, along with ratings, and if he should ever watch them again. He went through it one day and came across the action film, rewatched it, and then spent most of the day talking my ear off about how great it is. 

“Someone I know was very passionate about it, and it managed to pique my curiosity.”

Jimin sighed, but I could not tell what emotion was behind it. Definitely was not anger or frustration. Not sadness either. 

 “What time are you getting back on Sunday?” He asked, and I could definitely hear the affectionate tone his voice had taken on.

“Um,” I thought about it for a moment. “Six, I think.”

“PM?” 

“Yeah,” I curled up under my blankets. It was beginning to get really cold inside, but I did not want to get up to turn the heat on. “I have to double check my flight times, but I know it’s somewhere around there. Why? What’s up?”

“I know we already made plans for next week, but I was thinking I could pick you up from the airport and we could go out.”

My face grew hot, “I don’t think I’ll be dressed for a date.”

“You always look great,” He assured me.

I laughed, nervous and embarrassed, “Thanks.”

We had originally planned our first date to be the weekend after I got back. Jimin was adamant about giving me an experience, and I had been more than happy to indulge him a little. He was just so cute when he got excited. We were running on a limited timeline right now, though, since he had an upcoming swimming fundraiser with Swim Across America in Allendale. The team was raising money for cancer research, and I was very excited to be there to show my support.

Moving the date up meant we would have less to do next weekend, unless Jimin still wanted to keep our plans in place, but it meant we could focus on the fundraiser instead of trying to juggle a date at the same time. 

“I hate to go, but I’m really tired,” Jimin yawned. Pulling my phone away from my ear I was startled by how late it was. “I’ll text you in the morning, okay?”

I apologized for keeping him up so late. “Promise I won’t do it again.”

He hummed, already beginning to fall asleep, “Don’t mind. You’re always welcome to bother me in the middle of the night.”

“Night Jimin,” I whispered, blood pumping.

“Night bug.”

There was one thing I missed about Colorado- how quickly the snow melted. Michigan was seeing more snow as each day went by, but here in the mountains they would not start seeing the worst of it until the spring. For the first time in a month, I was able to forgo my large, puffy jacket in favor of a long sleeve and jeans. Jimin found my excitement over this endearing, sending a slew of heart-eye emojis in response to the mirror photo I sent him.

It was almost the end of the day when I pulled into the high school parking lot. The entire front office erupted in excitement when I walked through the front doors, hugs and well wishes overwhelming me. Sandra, the receptionist, could have talked all day if I let her, and after signing in, I politely told them all I needed to meet up with Coach Jung. I lied about stopping by on my way out and only felt a little bad about it. They were way too much for me.

“They’re going to be so excited to see you,” Hoseok mumbled, a smile stretching across his face as loud teenage boys got closer and closer to the pool house. 

“I’m happy to see them, too,” I replied. “Should we wait until they change to make the grand reveal?”

He shook his head. “Would you rather hug now or when they’re in speedos.”

I shivered, disgusted by the mental image.

“Thanks for putting that in my head, you sick fuck.”

Choking on his spit, Hoseok bent over, laughing so hard he started to screech. His laughter reminded me of a ghost's wail and was contagious. We were both so wrapped up in our little bubble we did not notice the doors opening.

“Coach?”

Wiping my cheeks, I caught my breath and made eye contact with Jordan. Baby blue eyes widened while a large, dimple smile overtook his face. Behind him, Gabriel announced that I was here, and the room was filled with excitement. I was not much of a hugger, but I was happy to greet each boy with one. Gabriel hadn’t stopped speaking since catching sight of me and had a few accidental slip ups about how much he disliked Coach Jung.

Hoseok had alluded to that being their main issue right now. The boys were having a hard time adjusting to a new face and missed me dearly. To his credit, Hoseok admitted that he was still getting used to the coaching thing and made a couple mistakes his first few days here. He had made it a point to apologize to them for being a dick, but the teens hadn’t forgotten or forgiven him for his snappy attitude. Especially the two oldest.

“When are you coming back?” Marcus asked. 

I smiled sadly, “I’ll be out for the rest of the year.” The tall boy deflated, sending a nasty look Hoseok’s way. “But,” I was quick to fix my mistake, “I’m planning on making trips to assist Coach Jung throughout the year. I wanted to be here for your last meet, but something came up.”

That something had been Jimin’s birthday, and I was not going to risk missing his party.

Regardless, Marcus and the team were very happy to hear they would be seeing me. 

“I promise I’ll be here for graduation, too,” I added.

Gabriel offered to give me one of his tickets and I gratefully accepted the extended offer. We stood there and talked for at least fifteen minutes before I finally told them to get changed and into the water. Without protest, all twelve of them went to the locker room.

“You know,” Hoseok chuckled. “You're going to have to teach me how you manage to do that.”

“Cinnamon buns from Mountain Shadows,” I put on my whistle and grabbed my clipboard from my duffel bag. “They’ll be eating out of your hand in no time.”

The team was glowing. Jordan stood in the middle of the boys, a large smile on his face, as he praised them for giving the meet their best effort. Having another win under their belt, all of them were buzzing with excitement at a chance at nationals. They only needed to win three more competitions to qualify. 

For the first time since I arrived, the icy contempt they held for Hoseok seemed to thaw. It brought a smile to my face. If I did not come back next year, I had a feeling the boys would be getting along much better. 

“What’s for dinner?” Marcus asked, looking at me for an answer.

“Coach said something about burgers,” I replied, gesturing towards Hoseok. “You should ask him though. I could be wrong.”

Gabriel chimed in, “Yeah, we’re going to Bingo.”

My mouth watered. Bingo Burger was one of the best spots in town. Their fries were hot and crispy, and I loved their shakes. Mulling over my options for dinner, I always found myself stuck between the Gone Shroomin’ Burger and the Happy Hippie. For a vegan burger, that thing was really fucking good. Then again, a thick, juicy beef patty smothered in bacon, cheese, and mushrooms would hit the spot. Indecisive and bored, I fiddled around with my phone and somehow ended up texting Jimin.

Me: Gone Shroomin’ or Happy Hippie?

The noise on the bus was just in the background now and easy to tune out. Hoseok was laughing loudly with the freshmen while the two seniors were in a quiet conversation in the seat in front of me. Marcus and his girlfriend broke up recently. I stopped paying attention once my phone vibrated.

Jimin: No idea what that means

Jimin: Gone Shroomin I guess

I bit my lip, suppressing a smile.

Me: We’re going for celebration burgers

Me: The boys won and Hobi is treating them since we’re out in Pueblo and not getting back to the Springs until after dinner.

Jimin: Speaking of food… I was thinking we could get some BBQ on Sunday

“Y/N!” Hoseok called, making me look up from my phone. “Tell your boyfriend you’ll call him later.”

“We need you to be the tiebreaker,” Twig chirped.

“What for?” I sighed, glancing down at my screen.

Jimin: Have you been to Union Rec yet? It’s BBQ and a taqueria

Me: No but I’m always down for a burrito

“Do mermaids have gills?” Twig asked.

Fully pulled out of my phone, I flipped it around and gave the boys my undivided attention. 

“Of course not. They’re mammals, so it would be a blowhole.”

Hoseok clapped his hands, “Thank you! That’s exactly what I said.”

Sliding further down in the booth, I closed my eyes and drowned them out again. Colorado’s air was so dry and crisp I was having to get used to the altitude change. I missed how wet and cold Michigan was. Smiling to myself, I remembered how much I hated it when I first landed. So much has changed…

Shuffling, I made myself more comfortable. We were only thirty minutes out from the Springs now, and we would be at Bingos right on time for Hoseok’s reservations. Feeling myself growing tired, I sunk even further into the booth. Eyes heavy, I let them slip closed, and slept for the rest of the bus ride.

Standing in front of my bathroom mirror, I smoothed down my skirt for the millionth time. The gray sweater I had thrown on seemed too casual now that I was looking at myself, but I did not know what else to do. It was a laundry day, but when I went to put my clothes in the dryer it refused to turn on. Violet said they needed a new one anyway, but that did little to improve my mood. The pretty red dress I wanted to wear was soaking wet and hanging from the shower rod to dry. I played with the skin on my lip, willing the black and gray outfit to somehow look nicer. On the other side of the phone, Andy sighed.

“You look fine,” She insisted, running her hand through her auburn hair. “Do a cute hairstyle and put on a nice pair of earrings, and you’ll be golden.”

“You don’t think it’s too plain?” I had asked her this five times now, and each time I got that same reply. “I mean, do I look like I’m going to a funeral?”

“The guy has seen you in sweats and no makeup and still wanted to take you out. Do you honestly think he cares about the color of your outfit?”

She had a point. Finally deciding to cave in and give up on my obsession, I took her advice to do something with my hair. A few of the strands were beginning to look silver, and my sideburns were looking paler every day, but after Hoseok told me he was starting to see a few grays, I decided to leave them be. If we were both going to be silver foxes, I liked the idea of doing it together.

“Are you wearing heels?”

“No,” I shook my head. I picked my phone up and went to my bedroom to find a pair of earrings. “It’s too icy. Silver or gold?”

She thought about it for a second, her face scrunched up cutely. 

“Silver.”

I landed on some thick, gun-metal hoops. They matched the color of the sweater perfectly and did not take away from my face too much. I had spent too much time on looking this nice to have an accessory dominate. Andy was happy with my choice.

I had gotten back a little earlier than I originally thought I would, and asked Jimin if it was okay that I meant him at the restaurant out here instead of making him drive all the way to Detroit to pick me up. He had put up a bit of a fight about it but relented when I said I was hoping we could hang out at his house after dinner. I said I wanted to get myself home, but I was really trying to see how bad the drive was from his place to mine. The thought of spending more time in his space made me feel like a teenage girl.

“How’s ballet going?” I slipped on a pair of black tights. It was freezing outside, and I wanted to have as many layers on as possible. “Has Dani made any progress in getting her figure skating career started?”

Andrea laughed but said that her daughter was getting closer to her goal every day. Jin was weak and did anything the little girl wanted if he could. This was the only issue they were both bull-headed about. Jin wanted to teach her to be responsible and follow through on things, and Dani was tired of preparing for figure skating. She wanted to be on the ice and her dad was afraid of pushing her too far too young. I was most definitely a team Dani instigator, and it was a point of contention between Seokjin and I.

“What did you think of Max?”

I smiled. That boy was definitely a character. The gang and I had a nice dinner before I left Colorado, and Tilly brought along Mr. Tattoo guy. He was quiet and when he did talk, he always had something completely random and out of the blue to say. He fascinated me and when everyone started huddling in their own groups to chat, I turned most of my attention to the new guy. 

He was a sweetheart, and it was a nice change of pace getting to know him. He hated being called Peter (his first name), went to college for nuclear engineering, and became a tattoo artist on a whim. A buddy of his wanted a new piece, paid Max to draw it, and trusted the guy with a tattoo gun. He was an apprentice in San Francisco for three years before moving to Denver to open up his own shop. For all of his eccentricity, he was very successful and down to Earth.

“He’s good for her,” I finally replied, zipping up my Doc Martens, I checked the time. I would have to leave soon. “I’m just happy there’s no drama between her and Hobi.”

It had been a year since they officially broke up, but I knew they fell into bed with one another a handful of times since then. Hoseok and I had talked about their weird relationship on one too many drunken nights, the swimmer the only person able I liked enough to force a glass of whiskey down. Tilly knew that I knew and would vent to me sometimes. They loved each other, knew one another better than anybody else, and it was easy to fall back into each other since we were in the same circle.

 I doubted Andy knew anything about that, we tried our best to keep her out of the loop, but she always said that they still had lingering feelings. I hoped Hoseok was handling this news well. He seemed fine, happy even, so I just rolled with it. If he had a problem, I was sure I would have heard about it by now.

“Speaking of Hoseok,” The humorous tone in Andy’s voice caught my full attention. “Apparently, Jin saw him at The Rabbit Hole with some blonde girl before you got into town. He just remembered to tell me last night.”

This was news to me. Wracking my brain, I tried to figure out if he had brought up a date, or even a person he might be interested in, but nothing came up. Shrugging, I let it go. It was probably just some girl he picked up at the bar. Still, that would be an expensive date.

“He hasn’t told me anything about that,” I murmured.

“Might be why he’s not bothered by new boyfriend.”

I laughed, “Or it could be that they’ve moved on.”

“Oh, please,” She pulled a face, eyes rolling to the back of her head. “We all know that’s not true. At least, not until recently.”

“Regardless,” I sighed, grabbing my purse and walking out of the front door. “It’s none of our business. If they’re happy that’s all that matters.”

Andy raspberried, “Boo. I hate it when you’re all mature and adult-like.”

“And right,” I joked. “Don’t forget about that part.”

Locking up my little house, I made my way through the Anderson’s. Violet was watching the Golden Girls on the couch while Calvin was reading a book beside her. It was a sweet scene that made me smile. I wanted what they had. 

I gave them a smile and wave as I passed by. Violet returned it in full, her eyes kind and gentle, before going back to her show. Calvin put his book down and asked what time I was planning on coming back. He wanted to keep an eye out for my car.

“Around midnight,” I replied, moving my phone away from my mouth. Andrea was rambling about the new doctor on staff. I trusted her disdain enough to know he was a huge dick. “See you two tomorrow.”

“Be safe out there,” He replied, going back to his copy of The Catcher and the Rye.

Andy and I were on the phone for the entire car ride into Ann Arbor. I enjoyed hearing her voice, the small distraction welcome when I felt my anxiety spike. Thankfully it was a Sunday night, and the streets were somewhat empty.

Once I got into the downtown area, I drowned out her voice completely. Andrea never minded. She just kept talking like I hadn’t stepped out of whatever conversation we were just having. Never got mad when I kept asking her to repeat herself either. She was a wonderful friend to me, and I was grateful to have her in my life. If I moved to Saline, she would be the person I missed the most.

I still hadn’t talked to anyone else about the possibility of moving. I was not sure how they would react, and I needed to have my mind made up before giving any of them the news. While I knew Andy and Jin would be supportive, and Tilly and Minho wouldn’t really care all that much (it just gave them an excuse to vacation in Michigan), it was Hoseok I was most on the fence about.

With him it could go either way. He would either be really happy and supportive or call me crazy. It came from a place of love, and I respected his opinion more than any of the others, so I had to be completely sure of myself before getting into something like that with him. If he thought for a second I was rushing into things he would go into overprotective, big brother mode and kill all of my excitement. He might even be able to change my mind if he fought hard enough. 

Pulling up to the restaurant, I was impressed by the sheer size of it. One half looked like an old warehouse while the other half was a small, white bricked building. A red neon sign glowed in the night and a large party was hanging out outside of the building. I could see Jimin in their little group and smiled. He was a very popular man in this area and was able to make new friends wherever he went. If I had to guess, he knew someone and is now best friends with all of them.

“Hey, I just got to the restaurant. I’m going to let you go.”

“Okay, baby,” Andy replied. “Have fun. Talk to you later.”

“Text you when I get home,” I replied. 

Andy was as hypervigilant about getting texts as I was. She was on staff at the hospital when Namjoon and I first arrived. I can’t remember anything from that night after getting in Joon’s car, but when Jin and I spoke about it he said Andy was one of the nurses having to help triage me. She had to be physically pulled away from my body once the doctors found out about our connection, but the image of my body that night is burned into her mind. She was the person who took care of me the most upon release and quit her job at the hospital for a little while in order to make sure I was well taken care of. Calls and texts were just our thing now and I always felt horrible for being part of such a traumatic event for her.

“Love you,” She said.

“Love you too,” I replied, hanging up.

Getting out of my car, I locked the doors and made my way over to Jimin. He caught sight of me before I reached the small group and broke out into a huge, heart stopping smile. Unable to stop myself, I smiled back and waved awkwardly. He said something to the group before meeting me halfway. 

“Hey, you,” He said, wrapping his arms around me. “You look really pretty.”

I laughed nervously, squeezing his waist. “Thanks. I tried my best.”

Pulling away, I was able to admire him a bit better. He was wearing light jeans tonight, a rarity as he preferred sweatpants and slacks, and a black t-shirt. A leather jacket was a staple in his wardrobe, and he always said they kept him warm enough. I never believed him. As always, everything was a tight fit and showed off his body perfectly. 

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I said once my appraisal was finished. “Nice boots. Where’d you get them?”

He looked down at the black, Chelsea boots and shrugged, “Nordstrom, I think. Taehyung got them for me a few Christmases ago.”

Of course he did.

“Let’s go inside. I’m cold.”

Jimin laughed, “My apologies, ma’am.”

The restaurant was packed, but Jimin had arrived thirty minutes early to get us on their waitlist, so I only had to wait five minutes for our table to be ready. Jimin brushed off the gesture as first date etiquette, but I knew better. The kid was late to everything and yet he got here early so I wouldn’t have to stand outside in the cold. It almost made me reach out and hold his hand, but my nerves got the best of me. We were at our table before I could gather up some courage, leaving a disappointed, bitter taste in my mouth.

“I’m feeling Disco Fries as an app. You?”

Searching the menu for them, I nodded. “That sounds really good.”

We were quiet for a few minutes as we decided on what we wanted. The menu here was rather large, filled with Mexican foods and copious BBQ items. Having never been here before I had no clue what was good and what hasn’t, but from how many people were here I had to assume nothing was bad.

“Know what you want?” Jimin asked, breaking the silence.

I shook my head, “No idea. What about you?”

“I get the same thing every time I come,” He laughed. “The Korean BBQ Burger is really fucking good. I also like the enchiladas.”

Finding both items, my mouth watered. Everything sounded amazing, but I wanted to get a little out of my comfort zone. I just had burgers yesterday, so I was not feeling that. Maybe BBQ? Looking at the options, I shook my head. I could not eat a half pound of anything. Biting the dry skin on my lips, my brain felt like it was working on overdrive. Too many options.

“Welcome to Union Rec,” I jumped a little, startled. “I’m Annie and I’ll be your server tonight.”

My eyes locked with a pair of baby blues, and I immediately recognized her. She was the brunette from the bar a couple of months ago. Eyes sliding from me, she landed on Jimin and the bored expression on her face morphed into one of pure bliss. I did not understand why she had given me that nasty look back then, but it was much clearer to me now. She had a thing for Jimin. Remembering she had a boyfriend, one she screamed at over the phone, it made me feel nauseous. Poor Tom.

“Oh my gosh, Christian. What are you doing here?” She asked, sneaking a look at me.

“Got a hot date,” He replied cheekily, gesturing his hand my way. “You remember Y/N, right?”

She gave me one of those tight-lipped, fake smiles. I returned the favor. I was not really jealous per say, Jimin’s declaration making any possibility of that disappear, but I did not appreciate anyone trying to make me feel small. I was a gold medalist. I was a fucking Olympian. Whoever the hell this chick thought she was, I would make sure she never thought for a second she got under my skin. 

“Yeah, we met at Brecon’s,” Annie replied, completely ignoring me. “Thought she was your coach.”

Jimin either did not catch the insult or he was choosing to ignore it. His smile was still just as pleasant as it was when we first sat down. I envied his ability to keep his emotions so controlled. I knew I must have been glaring at the poor girl.

“She is,” He shrugged. “Doesn’t mean she’s not my girlfriend. Are you taking our order or…?”

Annie spluttered for a second before regaining her composure. All affection in her eyes was gone and replaced by irritation. It was definitely directed at me, but Jimin’s dismissal must have stung. I was happy to be rid of her. Putting in our order for Disco fries, Jimin got a Sprite and Annie left before I could ask for a drink. Sipping on my complimentary water, I forced myself to breathe in and out. She was just a petty, annoyed girl with a crush. That was all. So, what if she was being rude? I was fine. Everything was fine. After the fifth sip, I actually believed it.

Trying to keep my tongue in check, I went back to looking through the menu. Finally able to make a choice, I decided on the birria beef ramen and closed the menu. Hopefully little miss Annie wouldn’t spit in it. Hot again, I took another long sip of water.

“Excuse me.”

Jimin flagged down another waiter, a pleasant smile on his face. Confused, I put down the glass and raised an eyebrow. He winked at me before laying the charm on thick. 

“Hey Marty. Would you mind if we got a different server?”

The young girl nodded frantically, “Of course. Is everything okay?”

Jimin smiled, eyes like crescents. “Everything is fine. Just Annie on her bullshit. Don’t want to get her fired by talking to your dad.”

Marty rolled her eyes, “Figures. I’ll tell her I’m taking care of you guys. Just don’t expect me to be running around for you, man. I have an entire section by myself.”

“I want privacy anyway,” Jimin replied, smirking at me. “Thanks. I’ll tip you well.”

She laughed, “Just make sure you put it in my hand. That bitch has been stealing tips. Cosette is trying to convince pops to fire her, but you know how he is about the girl.”

Jimin shook his head, “I already know. Can you get my girl a drink? Annie ran off without taking her order.”

Marty looked at me, her deadpan stare making me burst into laughter. Apparently, it wasn’t just me. That helped. 

“Sorry about her. She’s a massive bitch. What can I get you?”

I smiled, my mood a million times better, “Iced tea, please.”

“You got it, babe. You ready to order?”

Marty took our orders and promised to be back with my drink soon. 

“How do you two know each other?” I asked Jimin, finishing off my water.

“We were in the same class back in high school. Her mom owns that flower shop on Michigan Avenue.”

That was surprising. I was positive the girl was no older than eighteen. She reminded me of a porcelain doll, her chubby cheek and big eyes adding something angelic to her overall look. Then again, Jimin did not look all that old either. It was easy to forget he just turned 24. The age gap was really messing with my brain.

Annie was back with Jimin’s drink a few minutes later. She said nothing when she practically slammed his cup on the table before stalking off. It was then that I knew who she reminded me of. Darcy. I wondered if they were friends. Definitely had the same attitude problem, that was for sure.

“Ignore her,” Jimin told me once she was out of earshot. “I’ve been doing it since middle school.”

The rest of our dinner went back without a hitch. With Annie out of the way, and Marty’s small and infrequent check-in’s, we were able to be in a bubble of sorts. He asked about my trip back home and filled me in on what happened over the weekend. He had finally told his parents about our date and said that his mom thought it was a great idea. James called me perfect a few times, too. I had a hard time believing it, but Jimin had never lied to me before. It was nice to know the people around him accepted me even if I was a few years older.

“My mom’s 9 years older than my dad,” He revealed in between bites of food.

Shocked, I stopped eating all together. I had no idea they were that different in age. Ne-Yeon looked so youthful and pretty it was hard to guess just how old she actually was. Even fighting cancer, that woman did not look a day over 40. James was also in great shape for his age. To hear they had their own age gap made me feel a little bit better. 

“Wait,” Something else occurred to me. “Your mom was in her forties when she had you?”

Jimin nodded, “45. She had Haru at 48.”

It made sense to me now. To Jimin, our age gap was nothing special. It was smaller than his parents’, and having an older mother did not bother him at all. In his eyes, we had all of the time in the world for marriage and kids. A small weight came off of my shoulders. It really did not mean anything to him. He was not just saying that to make me feel better either. 

“Do you want dessert?” He asked, his plate empty in front of him. 

I was almost done with my bowl, “What do they have?”

He squinted his eyes, thinking.

“I know they have this horchata banana pudding. It’s literally the best dessert I’ve ever had in my life. There are a few other things, but I can’t remember what they are.”

I chuckled, “Then we’ll have the banana pudding.”

Jimin was not exaggerating either. The pudding was delicious. I almost wished we had each gotten our own serving, but after seeing the bill we were happy we hadn’t. Jimin paid this time. We had a back-and-forth deal when it came to meals. I got us breakfast last Wednesday, so he was picking up this bill. This was, unfortunately, much higher than Denny’s.

“I’ll put gas in your truck,” I offered on our way out. “To make up for the difference from Denny’s.”

He scoffed, “Don’t worry about it.”

“But-”

“We’re together now,” He interrupted me. “If I want to pay for a meal, then I will. You don’t have to pay me back.”

“We’ve always done that,” I argued.

“That was before,” He countered, walking me to my car door and opening it. “This is now. And right now, I’m trying to take a pretty girl, in a pretty dress, on a nice date. That includes paying for her meal.”

Getting into my seat, I pointed out that I let him do the gentleman thing all of the time. Opening my door for me, pulling chairs out at restaurants, and even walking on the curbside when we were out together. The list was endless. The least I could do was pay for half of a meal.

“I don’t do those things to get on your good side,” Jimin replied. “I do them because I want to. This isn’t transactional. So, stop worrying about being a burden. I enjoy taking care of you. You deserve to be taken care of.”

I could not think of a good enough comeback, so I just decided to drop it. If he wanted to pay for me then he could. It was his money to spend. 

“Send me your address.”

“You still want to come over?” He seemed surprised.

“Yeah,” I nodded, already pulling up the GPS. “What is it?”

He sounded like Charlie when he won the golden ticket as he gave me his address. 

“Don’t get too excited now,” I joked. “Just because I’m coming over doesn’t mean anything.”

Jimin laughed, “I pretend I don’t even know what sex is until after date three, so don’t worry about it.”

That made me laugh, “Get in your truck. I’ll meet you there.”

Looking back at him, I felt giddy. His eyes were so alight, his joy written so clearly across his face it took my breath away. A happy Jimin was the only kind I wanted to see. Blowing caution to the wind, I finally reached out. Touching his stomach, I felt the muscles clench beneath my fingers.

“Thank you,” I said earnestly.

“What for?” He rasped, placing one hand over mine, pressing my hand further into his skin. 

“For-” I broke off, taking my hand away. The feeling of him underneath me was too much. “For being so accommodating. I really appreciate it.”

He laughed, the sound strained and airy. I was too embarrassed by my actions to look at his face, but I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my eyes. Unlike me, Jimin was always brave. Hopefully some of that confidence would rub off on me. Maybe then I could reach out and hold him whenever I wanted to. 

“You’re welcome,” He replied, and my thighs clenched together at how rough he sounded. Did touching him do that? Or was it the praise? It could be both. “Drive safe, okay? You can follow me if that helps.”

I nodded, swallowing. The icy air outside did nothing to put out the blistering heat coursing between us right now. It was overwhelming how hot it was. Turning up my A/C, I pointed the vent directly at my face.

“See you in a few minutes,” I breathed, still unable to look at him.

Jimin closed my door, and I leaned back in my seat breathing heavily. I watched him as he rounded the front of my car, those pants sticking to his legs like a second skin and groaned. I had never felt this level of desire for anyone before. 

He reminded me so much of Namjoon. His beautiful brain and love for music and poetry so reminiscent it managed to bring me back to happier times. In the beginning I was afraid my attraction to him stemmed from that link. Because he reminded me of something I had loved so dearly that meant what I was beginning to feel was just a projection.

I was wrong. So unbelievably wrong. Jimin had a passion that Joon could never replicate. If Joon was a warm blanket, then Jimin was like the tide in the sea. On the surface it was calm, steady, and beautiful. Underneath that was life like nothing I had ever seen before. He was refreshing and filled with this fire for life that reminded me of my own from years ago.

Namjoon was perfect, a boy-next-door, and soft spoken. Back then I had enough of that passion for the both of us. Now I saw more and more parallels between us than ever before. I was uncertain, waiting for someone else to bring excitement back into my life, too afraid to reach out and take what I wanted anymore.

And then Jimin was there with that big smile willing to take me on whatever adventure I desired. All I had to do was ask. It was exhilarating, fun, and I was happy to be a part of the ride. His softness, his kindness, his understanding- all of it wrapped up in a pretty red bow. A gift that kept on giving.

I did not love Jimin, but I knew then that I could. With his sharp tongue and charisma, it was impossible not to. Everyone else did. Who was I to think I could be any different? I was a slave to his happiness. It was in that moment, sitting in my car, that I finally understood what was happening.

I was falling in love and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Taglist: @ownthesunshine @screamertannie @lovelytaes-blog @pernesianparapio @tae-with-some-suga @sumzysworld @chimmisbae

© chimcess, 2024. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[moonys-love]

Howdy Pillar Headcanons :D

be aware this is my first time writing on tumblr so if its a tad odd in some places, i apologize :))) i should be doing my math work i missed or sleeping but guess what i wont

cw: staring mentions (?), howdy being cheesy, i think that's it? ( i do not know how to tag stories)

(look at the funky man!!)

Dating Howdy!!

i just KNOW this man loves to give hugs from behind

everytime you're doing literally anything that has you with your back exposed, he's going to pick you up

you could be in the middle of cleaning and next thing you know four limbs are wrapped around you and you're being picked up

he is both big spoon and little spoon, ignore the fact that he's like 7 foot/213 cm

if you don't like being hugged/touched, that's fine! he likes to make sure that you're comfortable with how he shows affection.

instead of hugging you, he tends to move things around to make it more accessible for you (especially if you enjoy cooking/baking, there are a lot of things in the howdy-sized cabinets but not the y/n-sized cabinets)

sometimes he does purposefully move things out of your reach to have you call him over for help so he can come bother you >:)

that is until you learned that you can climb on the counters... (as someone who is short, this is in fact the most effective way of getting things [dont do this])

he loves holding hands with you! regardless of whether you're in public or at home, he enjoys making sure that you don't get lost /j ("Its hard to see you all the way down there, neighbor!")

he is also a big fan of pinky holding <3

i hc him to have some anxiety issues, so this is a big reason why he enjoys holding hands/pinkys

it's become a big way to help him calm down, and if you start rubbing shapes (?) into his hand it makes things a lot better (he does it to you too <3)

after a long day at the bugdega (bodega? I've seen someone call it that so I'm calling it that bc it's funky!), he will fwump literally anywhere it is convenient for him to do so

let's just hope you're not on the couch/bed because you are a candidate for him to do so! (good luck)

he constantly is making sure that you're ok, mentally and physically! he is a great listener, and he gives great advice too.

everytime you try to help him out at the bugdega, he CANNOT focus

he will literally stare at you for ages until either you or a neighbor points out he's doing so ("howdy, are you ok?" "huh- oh yeah! it's just that you're really pretty...")

he also gives you an 100% discount if you agree to a kiss

either he's really cheesy, or he's reciting poetry to you, there is in fact, no in-between

"i love you berry much! *holds out a strawberry*"

"If i was to be given the option of eternal life, i would turn it down, for a life without you is not one worth living."

all in all, your relationship is berry sweet!! (help i regret writing that)

Being friends with Howdy!!

if YOU have chaotic energy, HE has chaotic energy

he could be cheerfully having an exchange with julie to chanting "thief" to wally in the corner with you (art idea??? might make this)

howdy is great at adapting to your current mood! if you're being funky and all gremlin-like, so is he! if you're tired or sad, he makes sure to give you your time and space to talk if you want!

regardless of this, he does give mother-friend energy

not in the sense of like making sure you're sunscreened, but just looking out for you and making sure you're ok :O)

he LOVES to spook you. regardless of how tall he is, he is in fact, great at sneaking around!

he is also good at being quiet on his feet, which does not end well when you're in the middle of doing something

i feel like he is genuinely a sweet guy, but when he's with friends, he's a totally different caterpillar

if tiktok existed then, you would constantly point at him and say "caterpillar" in that voice (y'know the one from the audio that everyone draws frank spying on howdy with [i absolutely love that audio])

HE KNOWS ALL OF THE GOSSIP OOH JUST YOU WAIT

"did you hear? frank and eddie are finally dating!" "HAH WALLY OWES ME HIS APPLE SUPPLY"

wally is definitely a part of your guy's shenanigans btw it's canon I'm howdys hat

if howdy needs something delivered (most likely wallys hairspray/apples) and eddie isn't available, he asks you! you're practically a second employee so you might as well ahshefs

you still get an 100% discount, since you know, you're kinda working there so that's fabulous!!

he's practically your babysitter at this point i just kinda imagine y/n being one of the leash kids

he can and will throw you on top of his shoulders, you think he's not buff under those sleeves? he has to carry around literal HUNDREDS of apples for wally pretty much everyday

i feel like he likes making things with his hands (I'm really projecting here arent i)

HE LIKES MAKING TINY THINGS OK OK GLAD WE CAN AGREE

random little figurines or things you enjoy will just appear. you have little to no clue where they came from but that's fineee

he knows some of the most obscure things, either about you, or anything really

he loves hearing people infodump about anything! he loves learning new things about people's special interests :D

at the end of the day, he appreciates being your friend so much! he's so glad he got to meet you <3

i am very tired so im probably going to sleep now!! i really liked making this but headcanons are not, in fact, my strong suit. requests are open, i would love to write some more for welcome home!!

[genevawren38]

I have a few things to say about Quackity's stream and the QSMP as a whole.

If you haven't watched the stream, please do so here, I refuse to paraphrase and believe it should be watched in its entirety to form your own opinions. [Here is the YouTube link]

First of all; I don't think any of the actions Quackity took were deliberately malicious. I believe, in my opinion, he got swept up in the excitement and hype surrounding this new project, and we all know how easily that can happen. It's so easy to ignore the small things when you are being showered in positivity.

I think the project got far bigger than he thought which opens up everything to a lot of criticism.

But he does not deserve to feel unsafe, nor is it any sort of appropriate to send him death threats under any circumstances. Nor to anyone, that is a line we should not cross.

Please, for the love of everything, remember this is one of the biggest projects he has ever attempted. Balancing management, his real life, and his public figure status must be incredibly stressful, and you can only do that for so long until things start to go unnoticed. Someone spread so thin is bound to crack, and unfortunately, I think that's what happened with the administration. He's an incredibly busy guy, and to expect him to be so hands-on with the project while keeping up with the rest of his life and future prospects is an inhumane task to keep up with.

Yes, I absolutely agree that healthy amounts of criticism are necessary in something as groundbreaking as this. But under no circumstances *ever* does that become something you can threaten another's safety over.

I also agree he should have said something and apologized to the previous admins who were brave enough to share their story. But I also can agree with the fact this might have been better done privately, at least as much as possible, because the moment you get the public involved someone malicious is going to rip their words apart to use in whatever fashion they wish.

But it's hard to be truly objective and honest when every word you ever say online could be misconstrued and twisted to suit another's fancy.

I think that's where most of the issue lies, at least to me. There are systems in place when handled in a law environment to protect those affected. The moment anything goes public, it's free game for someone to use as they wish.

I think in certain situations, getting the public involved in the good fight is a sound decision, for a group of people are louder than one individual. But it can also grow wildly out of control if not handled properly, and for a delicate situation like this, I think it's only drawn the whole situation out to a painful amount.

I dislike the fact that a lot of my passion has disappeared for the server because this server is full of people whose content I enjoyed previously and some I've only now discovered.

But, I still do believe it's possible for us to hold hope. I have to hold onto that because if there truly is a way for this to turn around it can serve as an example it's possible to recover and put your best foot forward.

I think there's been mistakes all around, blown wildly out of proportion, but I do still want to give this place a chance.

Because what an example it could become if solutions can be found that helps all the parties and the fandom affected by this all.

That's all. Again, this is just my opinion, and I want to discuss it if people want to talk about it reasonably.

Please form your own thoughts after watching the stream, and try to keep an open mind. I understand this might drive a lot of people away, but I believe in the heart of what QSMP is.

This server and community are meant to unite people from across the world. Let's give it a chance to continue to do so, eh?

Edit for some clarification ;

I do not blame the admins for doing what they had to. I'm proud of the brave actions they took facing such a massive community head-on.

I just wish it all could have gone down differently, but we can't change the past, only hope for a better future.

[Here is a transcript of the stream from Twitter, please watch the stream as a priority though]

Edit 2: adding this too

[cripplecharacters]

Good morning/evening to y'all!

In your list of frequently asked questions, there was no mention of speech disorders? I was wondering if you answer questions for that too? I'm sorry to bother you if you don't.

If you do, I have two things I'd like to ask, if you don't mind!

First of all, my character is a 4-year-old boy with a stutter from brain trauma. How much does age affect this? Are there better to be cured or is it more severe? What would be the best sort of action from parents towards child?

Secondly, what does stuttering feel like, physically? Does it include tightness in the throat, thirst, numbness, or anything like that?

Thank you all.

Hello,

Yes, we have at least one mod with a speech disorder and I can answer them.

Depending on how old he was when the trauma occurred, he may not even realize that he does it. Some things, like the multiple syllable repetition unless he has a more minor form of it, he may notice and feel frustrated with, but stuttering can also include pauses and drawing sounds out which he may not even notice. Because he has the injury now, when he's still learning language like a sponge soaking in water, it's going to be harder to treat. In my experience, speech therapy that started when I was five never managed to actually improve the way I spoke. It's harder to improve in this situation- possible, to my knowledge, but harder.

Curing a stutter from a traumatic brain injury is going to be difficult. It's not likely and it's probably not something his speech therapist would even consider- when there's a lot wrong with speech and there's a reason behind it that can't be worked around, like a TBI, sometimes a speech therapist will just focus on trying to improve one aspect, or they might not even bother at all. If getting rid of his stutter is the goal, that's going to take years of work and it might not fix everything. It can be a severe condition- some people can have a severe stutter from the brain injury- but mostly it's just hard to treat because we have a permanent modification to how our brain works.

The best sort of actions his parents can take is listen to him. It might be frustrating for people to listen to someone who stutters and they might experience isolation because people don't want to talk to or listen to them, it does so much to have even one person in your life who will listen to you speak without impatience, interrupting, or ignoring. Because he's also going into school, listening to him is really important. School is very difficult for people with speech disabilities (for all disabled people, really.) He may experience teachers who are impatient or ableist, or he might experience isolation from his peers or even bullying. It's important his parents listen to him about any issues he may be facing so that they can step in and advocate him. They're the most important people for him to have in his corner. Listening to and communicating with any child is important, but it's very important that his parents listen to and communicate with him. At the very least, it creates a safe place for him at home. At best, he'll talk to his parents about bullying and they can put up a big enough fuss that the issue will be resolved.

As for what it feels like, it feels like the mouth kind of pauses. Like you're trying to say something but there's a barrier in your mouth, so you have to force every sound through it, and that's hard to do. A lot of people who stutter report physically tensing up trying to speak, leading to tension aches wherever they tense, usually in the face or neck, and that tensing is kind of subconscious as if there really is a barrier and you need to physically force the words through the barrier.

As you try and get words out, you might become stressed or frustrated, and that usually makes the stutter worse, which just makes your frustration and anxiety worse. They feed on each other and it sucks.

People who stutter also might have what are called secondary symptoms, like the reflexive tension I mentioned earlier. These secondary symptoms can include grimacing, blinking, movement or another part of the body, like the arms, legs, or feet, issues maintaining eye contact or even issues looking at the person they're talking to at all, and changes in the pitch or volume of the voice. You might also see adaptive behaviours from the person trying to hide their stutter, such as using word substitutions, meaning replacing a word they might stutter on with one they can say easier, interjections such as uh, um, etc, filler words such as like, and quickly revising sentences to either hide a stutter or rephrase the sentence to make it easier to say, things like "I want- I'll have the pasta." Stuttering and those secondary behaviours can lead to him trying to avoid speaking, which he definitely shouldn't do (shouldn't avoid speaking, I mean.)

Also, you might want to consider exactly where the TBI was and how severe it was, because location and severity can also cause other symptoms. An injury to the cerebellum, for example, will impact his fine motor skills. Look into the areas around the specific places that control speech, too. If the injury was bad enough or at the right angle to hit those places, he'll also have symptoms associated with a TBI to those locations.

Thank you for sending this.

Mod Aaron

[hispg]

Scared to be lonely

Pairings: Vendetta Leon × reader

Wc: 4.1k

Warnings: Cursing, light angst, a bit of fluff(I guess), mentions of alcoholism, it's also mentioned that Leon and the reader are friends with benefits.

Summary: Your close friend Leon, it's passing for some personal issues. And you're the only one who can try to solve it.

Notes: I'll admit, I was hearing 'Die for you' while writing this.

"So you're telling me he hasn't shown any sign of life for three weeks?" And well, there you were, talking to Rebecca about Leon, who had magically decided to disappear.

Rebecca sighed before continuing, "Yes, Chris has tried calling him several times. He's even been to his apartment, but Leon hasn't even opened the door or answered his calls."

You wrinkle your eyebrows. What the hell was he thinking? It's not as if he could just suddenly disappear.

"So nothing? No sign?" Although you were focused on the conversation, from time to time, you focused on Rebecca, who was painfully tending to your bruises.

"No. Not even his neighbors have seen him leave the house in the last three weeks." And again, you're puzzled. Would he still be living in the same place?

"Maybe he's moved, hasn't he?" But in the end you knew that Rebecca was thinking the same thing as you, Leon had his problems with alcohol, and coupled with the fact that he'd been out of sight for the last three weeks, it didn't make you both think anything good of the situation.

"No, we've checked everything. He's even paid the bills for the apartment this month." So, in fact, he was doing it on purpose.

You just shook your head in understanding, but you knew it wouldn't be an easy task to talk to that hard-head, who seemed to be as hard-headed as a mule.

"But you know I haven't had any contact with him for a while, not least because I've just come back from a long mission." And in fact, you were still in your shabby, dirty clothes. You hadn't even had time to shower since you arrived.

"Yeah, I know. But you're still closer to him than Chris, so we thought it would be better if you tried to talk to him. You know he's going through a difficult time right now." And it wasn't hard to see the concern written in Rebecca's voice.

"Yeah. I'll see what I can do for him." You said it nonchalantly. After all, it would be a hell of a conversation with Leon, you could be sure.

At least you had the advantage of being a close friend of his, even more than a friend. Surely friends don't kiss or spend the night together like you did, right?

But again, you knew it wouldn't be easy to talk to him. So you were already mentally preparing yourself because damn it, you were going to need a lot of patience.

After a few conversations with Rebecca, you showered and went out, ready to meet him. You already knew his address by heart, and you couldn't tell if that was good or bad.

After about twenty minutes of driving to his apartment, you quickly found yourself in the elevator to the sixth floor, seriously wondering if you really wanted to do this.

And although the functional part of your brain said no, you couldn't ignore the worry stagnating in your chest, whether you wanted to or not, you had a great affection for him.

Despite the mental argument with yourself, you got out of the elevator and went to his apartment, 208 was the number.

And once again, you stopped, scratching the back of your head, hesitantly raising your hand to knock on the door. After a good few seconds, you decided to knock, regretting it later for no reason.

And so it went, you knocked once, twice, three times. Nothing, no answer, not even the slightest noise showing that there was someone inside.

And your distress increased. You could feel your heart racing at the fact that he hadn't answered. He hadn't even been grumbling on the other side, as he usually did.

And you knocked on the door for the fourth time, calling him now, "Leon, are you there? It's me -" You stop the sentence as soon as the door opens a little because of the force with which you knocked.

You mutter a 'what?' To yourself, how could he have been so careless to leave the door unlocked like that? What the hell was happening to him?

You open the door fully, seeing that the key is still in the lock from the inside, which once again leaves you with a flea behind your ear.

Was he crazy or what? He was an agent, he'd been involved with a lot of dangerous people, and now he just decided to leave his door open for anyone to enter his house.

What a genius, you think.

Just in case, you grabbed the gun you always carried with you, just to make sure no one had broken into the apartment.

And you started walking around, seeing With the deplorable state of things, bottles and bottles of drinks, cup noodles here and there, there was no doubt that Leon had locked himself in this apartment for the last few days.

After searching the place, there was nothing suspicious, and the only thing missing was the bedroom, where Leon might have been, at least that's what you hoped.

You even knocked on the door to see if he would answer, but no, once again, he didn't say anything. So you entered the room, only to see Leon sleeping peacefully. As if he hadn't done anything wrong lately.

You let out a sigh of relief and even anger. But in the end, there he was, just in his boxers, layin on his stomach and with one of his arms under his head, resting snugly on the soft bedspread.

As much as you wanted to go over there and punch him, you couldn't help but be swayed by the sight of him sleeping so peacefully. And you could even join him, but that's not what you came here to do.

Coming closer, you see the many bottles of alcohol on the table next to the bed, which makes you wonder how a human being can drink so much and still want more.

You sit down next to him, brushing some of his hair out of his face and lightly patting his cheeks. He was a heavy sleeper, so no, he certainly wouldn't wake up if you just called him, especially after he'd had his fill, he grumbled like an old man every time he had a hangover.

And with a few more pats, he seemed to wake up, looking around, trying to get his bearings. Soon, his eyes were on you as he rubbed them, possibly thinking he was seeing things.

"Well? Are you awake, or do I need to get you into the shower? A cold shower should do the trick." You say it seriously. After all, you came here to talk to him. And he needed to be sober for that.

"Mh... shut up." Ah, there it was, the first words he says to you.

Well, you don't know why you expected it to be any different.

"How do you feel?" You ignore his ignorance and try to lighten the mood.

He just mumbles, 'Hm', and turns away. Turning his back on you.

You snort and roll your eyes, looking like you're dealing with a child.

"So, smartass, why'd you disappear?" Without turning much, you ask him

"Because I was into it, can I? Or do I have to ask permission?" Rude, that's how he was acting.

You sigh, well, who said it would be easy?

"Leon, I'm here in peace. You know, I was worried about you." Your voice comes out in a whisper. You were trying your best to stay calm.

And in response he sits up in bed, stretching a little, yawning in the process.

"I'm fine, don't you see?" He gives a cynical little smile, picking up one of the bottles of alcohol from the table next to his bed.

And you notice the dark circles under his eyes, the sad, tired expression, even though he still has that stoic look on his face.

"No, that's enough." You grab his arm, stopping him from picking up the bottle.

His eyes widen in indignation, and he reaches for the bottle anyway.

"What? Have you become my mother now?" He sneers, taking your hand off his arm.

"Look, to be honest, I think I should act like one. Because I'm genuinely dealing with a tantruming child." You say, your voice angry and cynical. Just the way he hated it.

"Tantrum child? You were calling me love a month ago." And no, he didn't sound hurt. He just wanted to annoy you.

You roll your eyes again, holding him by the shoulders this time, making him look at you, "Kennedy, you're going to get out of this damn bed, and we're both going to talk. Understand? Go take a cold shower. Maybe your brain will start working again." You tease him, still staring deep into his eyes.

And even though he tried, he couldn't hide a sideways smile, which disappeared soon after. He could have said no, but he liked your teasing, even though it sometimes annoyed him.

"Yeah, whatever." He mutters, getting out of bed and heading for the bathroom. And you can still see him staggering around, probably because of the hangover he was feeling.

And with that, you decided to gather up all those bottles and start throwing all the liquid away, for however long that would take. Because frankly, you didn't understand how he could buy all that and just drink it without getting sick afterward.

And little by little, you emptied the bottles, putting them all in a bag to throw away later.

"That was expensive, you know." Leon's voice echoes through the kitchen as he sits on one of the stools at the worktop.

"And?" You shrug, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

And now he seemed calmer, at least calmer, if you could put it that way. The wet hair and the baggy clothes, which, by the way, looked great on him.

"Would you like some coffee? I'm sure it'll help with the hangover." He just nodded without saying much. He was fixated on his cell phone.

You continued silently making the coffee, and sometimes, you caught him watching you.

"Chris sent you here?" He finally says something, although he seems completely uninterested in the subject.

"Yes, he did, but I wanted to come here of my own accord too. You know I care."

It's silence again, only a slight sneer coming from his lips. Which you just decided to ignore.

"Here, take this." You hand him the cup of coffee, taking a seat next to him.

He thanks you silently, taking a small sip of the coffee. You just kept looking at him, hoping that he would try to talk. That was the least of it

And well, to your confirmation, he didn't say a word.

And you could see that he was avoiding your gaze, just holding his cup with both hands, staring straight ahead, without any focus.

"Can you start explaining? You just ghosted everyone." You break the silence, not wanting to prolong it any further.

He shrugs and takes a long sip of coffee.

You hold him by the face, although it's a gentle touch, it has a certain firmness to it, "Leon, I won't guess if you don't talk."

Those blue eyes stare at you, and he has a somewhat surprised expression as you take this action, holding him by the chin to make sure he looks at you.

"You really are a pain in the ass, aren't you?" And again, the cynical, sarcastic tone took over his voice.

And you were starting to lose your composure, your eyes narrowing in his direction. And you gripped his chin a little tighter.

"Kennedy, I'm not here to play games. So help me, tell me what the hell is going on?" Your voice was harsh, even scathing. You didn't want to talk to him like that, but you had no choice, not even if you wanted to. Since good old-fashioned talking wouldn't work. He needed a little push to talk.

"Why are you so interested in this? Jeez, is it so hard to understand?" And he gave you the same answer as hard as you were.

You let go of his chin, running your hands through your hair and leaning on the chair.

"For God's sake, what's going on? First you start ignoring me, since last month. Now you just ignore everyone?" You retort. He had no right to do that. He was playing games with those who cared about him, and that wasn't fair.

He turned completely towards you, his eyes piercing you.

"I'm tired, tired of this fucking life. That's it. Satisfied?" He forces a smile, picks up his coffee cup and takes another sip, turning the cup over and taking it all in one go. A habit he was used to.

"Don't you want to talk? You know, sometimes it helps." You snapped, and that wasn't it? What could be better than trying to open up, at least?

"You don't understand." He turns again, putting his hands on his head, resting his elbows on the worktop.

You sigh, it hurt to see him in that situation, and of course Leon didn't have an easy life, no, this man had suffered since he was little.

You could understand him wanting to take it all out on alcohol, especially with all the recent losses he was experiencing. But it's not as if getting drunk every time was going to help in any way, quite the opposite.

You put your hand on his shoulder, giving him a little cuddle, "I know it's hard for you, but you can't just shut everyone out. You can't isolate yourself and act as if nothing is going on outside."

No answer, just a heavy sigh from his lips.

You massage his shoulder, in an attempt to make him less tense.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, resting your head on his shoulder.

"I know it's hard, especially for you, such a gentle soul. But that's not the answer. I assure you." Your voice sounded different now, soft and gentle. You were trying your best to understand him.

And although you still felt his body tense up, he seemed to feel a little more at ease around you.

"Do you really care?" He whispers, embarrassed by his own words.

You laughed lightly, giving him a kiss on the cheek, "You know that yes, what happened between us wasn't just sexual, at least on my part."

You were being honest, and a little piece of you wanted to hear the same from him, and again you didn't know if you wanted to hear it or not.

And well, once again there was an uncomfortable silence, nothing but the two of you breathing. And for a moment, you felt a slight twinge in your heart, as if that silence had hurt you somehow.

You moved away, returning to sit next to him.

And he hadn't changed his stoic face much, even though you could see that he was looking at you in corners.

This time you didn't dare to speak, you kept playing with the zipper of your sweatshirt, a silly way of relieving your anxiety.

"Why did you kick me last month?" Without meaning to, the words slipped out of your mouth. Now there was no taking it back.

He turned his head slightly towards you, his eyes roaming over your face. His expression had softened a little, but he still wasn't 100% himself.

He sighs, you can even see him hesitate to speak, he tries to take your hand. But he stops halfway.

After a good few minutes of frustration, he replies, "I was scared..."

You look at him confused and puzzled, "Scared? Your nightmares are back?"

Since he had always had this problem with nightmares, after so much stress, it was normal for him to lose sleep again during the night because of it.

He shook his head at the same time, denying it.

"So?" You ask him once again.

He took a breath and looked straight ahead again. The words came out as a sweet whisper, "I-I was scared..." He took another breath, "Scared that i might miss you.."

Despite the lump in his throat, he got it out of his heart. And you could see him trembling a little as he held the cup.

And you could already consider it a confession because it was.

You were speechless, as if you had unlearned how to speak even a single vowel. Your eyes met his, and you could have sworn that a slight blush threatened to appear on his cheeks.

"So you were afraid you'd miss me, but at the first opportunity, you kicked my ass? That doesn't make much sense." You try to make a joke to seem less nervous, which frankly you doubt worked.

He laughed dryly, looking down at his cup for no reason.

"I was afraid of getting too attached. Every time you walked out of that door after a night together. Something didn't seem right. It wasn't right when you left like that." He felt more comfortable, so he was putting those feelings out there.

"I always thought that... Well, that you wanted me to leave. You never said otherwise." You say awkwardly, searching for the right words.

"No, of course not." He says with a half-smile, "You're the closest person I have, whether as a friend or whatever. But you're still the closest person to me."

And the words hit you hard. You felt your heart flutter with them. In a way that had never happened before.

"So you were afraid, and ended up sending me away?" It was already clear to you, but you wanted to be sure.

He nodded, too embarrassed to continue for now.

You drummed your fingers on your thigh, nervously inspecting around. How were you supposed to answer that?

And he seemed nervous too, both of you looking like teenagers who were still at school. It was even comical.

"Do you remember our last mission?" He said quietly, making sure that only you could hear. Even if it was just the two of you in that apartment.

"Yes, yes, I remember." You said a little hesitantly, looking at him to see where this was going.

He swallowed, gripping his cup tighter, "That's when I realized I could do anything for you. I wanted to do everything."

He looked at you deeply, and you could feel the tenderness in his eyes, "I could die for you, I would die for you if i needed to."

It was enough to make you gape, your eyes staring into his gently. Now you understand why he had drifted so far away since our last mission. It now made a lot of sense.

"Oh, that was cheesy, wasn't it?" He says in a dry chuckle, feeling completely silly for saying such a thing.

"What? You say you could die for me, and you still think it's cheesy?" You mutter with a certain amusement in your voice.

He couldn't help but let out a soft giggle, shaking his head. He didn't know who was more cheesy, you or him.

"I realized I could do anything for you. Lie, die, cheat. Anything just to keep you by my side." So he was willing to go against his nature, just for you.

Just for you.

"So you're telling me what I'm thinking?" And you didn't even bother to hide the hope evident in your voice.

He nodded silently, giving you a small smile.

"I wanted to be honest with you... At least this once." And from the way he sounded so faint, you wouldn't have doubted it even if you'd wanted to.

You nodded, your smile growing wider and wider. You gently rested your hand on his thigh, just to comfort him, so that he could feel more at ease.

And in response, he placed his hand on yours. Stroking it with his thumb.

"I didn't know how to bring this to you. I thought that like the others you would abandon me." He sounded pained as he spoke.

And you understood him perfectly, "Leon, it's not because some people have hurt you that all the others will do the same." Even though it was obvious, you felt you had to remind him of it.

"Apart from me, you also have your friends. Chris for example, he was just as worried as I was." You say sweetly.

He squeezed your hand tighter, as if he was afraid you were going to leave at any moment.

"I know, sometimes it's just hard to believe." He murmurs quietly, without looking at you.

You nodded, and of course he would have trust issues, how could he not?

"So... I can help you with that." You say happily.

He wrinkles his eyebrows, looking at you a little sulkily, "How?"

"Hm, how about we lie on the couch? Watch a movie together. What do you say?" And you couldn't help yourself, you sounded as excited as a child.

"Oh? Are you serious?" His face lit up, and you could see a hint of a smile.

"Of course I am! Come on, I know you've been wanting to watch that fictional movie that came out recently." You pull him gently by the hand, hoping he'll get up and follow you.

And so he did, smiling from corner to corner, just as excited as you were.

A good few minutes later, there you were, cuddling on the couch, watching the movie and chatting a bit. The tense atmosphere was gone, it was just the two of you, chatting quietly. Just as it should be.

"I didn't want to say it like that, but I can't deny it anymore." He whispers in your ear, changing the subject completely.

You just mumble a 'Hm?', waiting for the answer.

"I can't deny it any longer, I love you. I can no longer neglect this growing feeling in my chest." He placed a soft kiss on your ear, pulling you closer to him.

You giggled, letting him fondle you as much as he wanted.

"Yeah, I know you can't resist me." You teased him, with mischief in your voice.

And he laughed, he really did. It was a start, at least.

"You little tease." He whispers again, teasing you back.

It was good to be here with him, since at least you were close to him now, he was allowing you to get closer. And you won't let him down, you'll do everything you can to help him, to make him trust, and understand that there were also people who helped him, who were there for him.

He was allowing you to get closer. And you won't let him down, you'll do everything you can to help him, to make him trust, and understand that there were also people who helped him, who were there for him.

"First of all, I want you to promise me something." And that seemed to capture his attention completely.

"What?"

"That you open up more, I don't want any more secrets between us. Done?" You raise your little finger to make a pinky promise.

And when he heard 'us' coming from your lips, only God knows how much he melted.

"Oh, come on! Are you a five-year-old to want to make a pinky promise?" he says playfully, holding your hand.

"Yes, I am. Now go on, promise." You turn your head a little, just enough to look him in the eye.

With a slight sigh, he nods, "Right, right. You have my word."

He seals his pinky fingers with yours, making the promise.

You smiled in satisfaction, giving him a brief kiss.

He held you tighter, putting his head in the crook of your neck. Relaxing completely.

And you spent a few more hours in this situation, not that you minded. Leon had opened up a bit more, and you patiently listened to him. It would be a long journey, for sure. But it would be worth it, just to see that smile again, to see those sparkling blue eyes shining, again and again.

That would be the fairest reward you could ask for, everything else would be a bonus.

And of course, Leon would also try his best to overcome these problems, even though he knew it wouldn't be easy. But he had to, and he knew it. He wasn't going to let the people around him down, least of all you.

He would make it count, just as you would be by his side throughout the process.

And he also wouldn't let you walk away. He's sure that he's the right for you.

After the movie ended, the two of you were still hugging, caressing each other. It was already late, so you wouldn't be going home.

Besides, you could already feel Leon starting to doze off.

Before he did, he said quietly, "Well, dinner tomorrow?" He even asked shyly, as if for the first time.

You chuckled and then said, "Yes, dinner tomorrow."

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[lavenderlegends]

you drew stars around my scars

ship: stiles/derek prompt: star gazing characters: lydia, isaac, pack mention cw: mentions of dead parents tags: FLUFFFFFFFF word count: 2.2k ao3

♞♚♞♚

It's been a long day. Make that a long week. Actually, a long month. Maaaybe even a long year. It's been back-to-back monsters that seem to keep popping up every week. And Stiles? He's tired.

The pack needs a vacation. Desperately. But Lydia spent all last weekend ignoring the fae issue and created a schedule. Bless her. And Stiles has the first shift off from monster hunting. Along with Derek. They're the only single people in the pack these days, so it makes sense they'd pair off together. It gives all the couples and partners time to make plans and afford to keep them.

But Stiles is restless.

Being off-duty is hard. He has no idea what the pack is dealing with this week. He's been completely shunned from any sort of knowledge, because everyone knows he'd try to help.

He climbs out his window, dragging a thin blanket with him, and sets it up on the roof of the porch. He doesn't know exactly what he's doing but maybe gazing at some stars will help.

There used to be a time in his life when he'd be able to do this and just wonder at all the possibilities in the world. But now, now he knows anything's possible and it feels a little heavy.

There's a snap of a branch and then suddenly, he's not alone.

"What are you doing?" Derek asks in lieu of a greeting.

"Star gazing. Have you ever heard of it?" Stiles asks, shifting over on his blanket. They don't have to discuss it. It's understood that Derek will join him.

"Hm," is all Derek says before he settles down on the blanket with Stiles. "Why are you doing it?"

"I used to do this all the time as a kid," Stiles whispers, as if he's suddenly afraid to spook the universe by talking about something normal. "It was my favourite thing to do with my mom."

"Oh." Derek shifts. "Should I--?"

"No, no," Stiles murmurs. He reaches out and pulls Derek back down. "Stay."

So, Derek does.

"What are you doing here? It's like one in the morning," Stiles says, turning his head to get a better view of Derek.

"Star gazing," Derek answers. He turns his head on the blanket to look at Stiles. "I don't know. Couldn't sleep. Figured you'd be up too."

"This whole shift thing is great in theory," Stiles mumbles.

"Yeah. I thought I'd be grateful for the break, but it's turning out to be a lot harder to slow down." Derek shifts and then adds, "This is nice though."

"Yeah." Stiles can't seem to tear his eyes away from Derek's. "Yeah, it is."

They don't talk for a while, but it's not as awkward as Stiles thought it would be with Derek. Maybe they've been at this whole monster-hunting thing for so long, the silence is a welcomed presence. He's not sure.

But it becomes a habit after that. On nights they can't sleep. Even when they're on-duty protecting Beacon Hills from the monster of the week.

Stiles starts to look forward to it, even. Humming when he suspects Derek will be coming over.

"What's got you in a good mood?" Lydia asks one day when he's doing just that.

"Huh?" Stiles looks up from the book where he's researching vampires. "Nothing."

"No, no," she says, shaking her finger at him. "I know you, Stilinski. Something... or perhaps, someone has you humming. Are you dating?"

He laughs, because the idea is so ridiculous. "Me? Dating? No. Despite being surrounded by relationships, I am not seeing anyone. Single as a pringle, Lyds. That's me."

"Mhm," she says. "If you say so."

"I do," he replies before closing the book. "Nothing in that one..."

"Right," she says. "Back to work."

And the next time he hums, he finds Isaac looking at him curiously. Stiles can't help it; they're on a stake-out together and it's boring. Nothing's happening.

"What?" Stiles asks after a moment. "Do I have something on my face?"

"Yeah. Happiness." Isaac pauses before adding, "It's a good look, man. I'm glad you're happy."

"I'm--" but Stiles can't bring himself to say the words.

Is he happy?

Hardly.

But he's going home tonight, setting out a blanket, and he even had time to swing by to pick up a pre-made charcuterie board. And he'll spend some time with Derek, talking about the most mundane things.

And that's exactly what they do when Derek climbs up the tree and swings onto the roof.

"Oh!" he says with a pleased smile. "You brought food. I'm sorry, I didn't--"

"No, no, it's fine," Stiles is quick to reassure. "We just followed the witches to the grocery store, so I thought I'd just... it's dumb, isn't it?"

"Nope. I'm starving." Derek settles down beside him, a soft smile on his face. "Tonight, Boyd, Erica, and I had to follow the warlock to the sewers."

"You're old home," Stiles jokes.

"Shut up." But there's nothing but amusement in Derek's expression. He picks up some cheese and asks, "How'd it go with you and Isaac?"

"Fine," Stiles says, shrugging. "The witch just did like, regular people thing. I'm starting to think she's not much of a threat."

"Mm, I wouldn't be too sure. Witches are powerful, and a huge threat to werewolves. They're always after our fur."

"What?!" Stiles bursts out laughing and only manages to calm himself when Derek shushes him. Stiles grins. "Don't worry, Dad's not home tonight. But really? Your fur?"

"Yeah. It has magical properties in some spells," Derek explains. "What? Is that so ridiculous?"

"A little," Stiles says, chuckling. "But enough about work. I want you to finish that story about your parents."

"Oh, yeah!" Derek settles in and launches into the longest, winding story Stiles has ever heard him tell. He laughs at all the right moments, gasps where appropriate, and shakes his head when Derek gets really into it. It's almost out of character for him, but Stiles has really seen him open up. He understands Derek more. And there's nothing in this world that Derek loves more than talking about his parents.

"Scott, Allison, and Isaac kind of remind me of my parents," Derek continues. "It's such a messy beginning to a beautiful relationship."

Stiles feels his face soften. "You are such a soft wolf."

"Hardly," Derek mutters. "Remember, you're human. I could eat you for breakfast and--"

"But you wouldn't," Stiles murmurs.

It seems to catch Derek off-guard, but he agrees even quieter. "But I wouldn't."

"I like this side of you, Hale." Stiles shifts on the blanket and picks up a piece of cheese. He chucks it at Derek, who catches it in his mouth using his werewolf reflexes. "Why don't we get to see this side of you all the time?"

Derek considers this for a long moment. Stiles is almost certain he's forgotten the question by the time he answers. "I think, because we haven't really had time to slow down. We're constantly in war, fighting with someone or something. And..."

"And?" Stiles prompts.

"There's something about star gazing with you," Derek admits. "That's all."

"That's all?" Stiles asks, reaching over to gently push Derek's shoulder. "I think there's more to it than that, but I won't hold it against you."

"You really wanna know?"

"I really, really do." Stiles flutters his eyelashes dramatically in the moonlight. Derek laughs. It's the prettiest sound he's ever heard. Stiles wonders if he could record it so he could listen to it all the time.

Derek shifts and pushes the charcuterie board out of the way. He settles down and stares up at the sky. Stiles follows suit, wondering if maybe it's easier to talk when they're not looking directly at each other.

"You remind me of my mom."

They're not the words Stiles expects, and they take his breath away. He reaches out and slips his fingers in between Derek's.

"She would've loved you. Cora and Laura are both more like my dad. They're strong, no nonsense, bold... but my mom..." Derek whispers. "She had ADHD like you. Was scatterbrained. Would do something - anything - just for the story. Fearless and stubborn."

Stiles stays silent and simply squeezes Derek's hand.

This is the best compliment he's ever received.

"She would go up against the scariest creature and tell them how it was. She didn't care." Derek pauses before adding, "She would've thought you were the bravest - and maybe stupidest - human out there. But she would've admired how much you love the pack, because no one loved as hard as her. But I think... I think you might."

Stiles stares up at the stars.

How does he put it into words how that makes him feel?

He turns his head to face Derek, who's already looking at him. Quietly, he says, "Thank you."

Derek's smiling softly, with tears building in the corner of his eyes. "Yeah. You're welcome."

"My mom would've loved you too," Stiles says after a while.

"You think?"

"Mhm. No one is as fiercely protective as she was - in the best way - but I think you come close." Stiles is surprised when Derek squeezes his hand. It feels so natural to be holding hands with him, Stiles almost forgot they were doing it. "She also would have loved your grumpiness. She would've told me that you put on a show, but you have the biggest heart of anyone she knows."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Stiles takes a breath and then lets it go. Talking about his mom meeting Derek is hard, but not so hard that it hurts. In fact, it brings him a little peace.

"Derek?"

"Mm?"

"I think our moms are best friends in another life," Stiles whispers.

"Me too." Derek squeezes his hand a little tighter. "Me too."

Stiles doesn't tell anyone about the conversation with Derek. Or how he's desperately, quickly, and passionately falling in love with him. He doesn't want to break the magic he's under, because he feels lovesick. Love drunk.

He doesn't know what Derek thinks. Maybe it's all platonic, but the next time they're star gazing together, Derek reaches for Stiles' hand. And the time after that, they lay a little closer.

And if Derek sometimes kisses Stiles' on the forehead before he says good night, it's no one's business but theirs.

That is until Lydia brings the pack together. She's standing in front of everyone and announces, "Alright, we're going to try a new rotation. Stiles, instead of breaking you off with Derek, we're going to put you with Erica and Boyd. And Derek, you'll get your break with Allison and I. This way--"

"No."

Lydia blinks. She looks at Stiles blankly, and he scrambles to catch up with the fact that he just said no. Out loud.

"Uh, I mean..."

"Why not? I thought this would work better, because it means there are less rotations and then we're on a four week schedule vs a five week schedule. And--"

"Lydia," Stiles says, not daring to look across the room at Derek. "I'm asking you to leave it as is."

"Oh." Lydia frowns. "Does, uh, does anyone else have any objections?"

The pack starts talking at once, but Stiles just silently glances at Derek while everyone's distracted. Derek's staring at him, his head tilted slightly, and his expression hopeful. Stiles doesn't know what to make of it.

"Alright, alright," Lydia says, commanding the room again. "We'll keep it as is for now, but we'll look at it during next month's meeting to see if it's still working."

The pack might not all agree, and Stiles knows it might be selfish to keep him and Derek on the same week off, but he doesn't care.

He's already planning his speech for tonight. He doesn't know entirely what he's going to say, but he has an idea. And that's enough.

When Derek hops onto the roof later that night, Stiles has the blanket already laid out. He sits instead of lying down, and he waits until Derek has silently settled in.

"So. That was an interesting pack meeting," Derek murmurs.

"Yeah." Stiles curses silently. He already sounds like a bumbling idiot. And instead of the speech he planned to say, he simply blurts, "I'm falling in love with you."

Derek doesn't dare show any change of expression on his face, but Stiles knows him better than that. There's a twitch in Derek's fingers, and that's all Stiles needs to see to know.

It's not a one-sided thing.

In fact, Stiles is starting to wonder just when did Derek fall for him?

Derek takes a moment. A long one. But he's very certain when he says, "I'm falling in love with you too."

A smile grows on Stiles' face and then he tackles Derek, pinning him down on the blanket. He hovers for a moment and quietly asks, "May I kiss you?"

"Yes," Derek breathes, and then they're kissing and it's everything and more that Stiles has dreamed of.

♞♚♞♚

"Alright," Lydia says at the next pack meeting. "I don't think we need to have Stiles and Derek on a week off together. I think - "

"We're together," Stiles announces.

The whole pack turns to look at him. Stiles snuggles up against Derek, slipping his fingers in between Derek's.

"So, please, do not change the duty schedule because we now have couple privilege."

Derek snorts, burying his face into Stiles' neck.

Everyone starts talking at once, but Stiles doesn't care. He turns to Derek and whispers, "Wanna get out of here?"

"The meeting just started," Derek whispers back.

"So?"

"Case made," Derek says, and then they're slipping out while everyone keeps discussing who knew what when.

♞♚♞♚

[ultimate-blorbo-collector]

may I order a toxic winter king x reader. Preferably sfw

Okay, I was a little too excited to get this one, and I basically turned it into a list of ideas that could be possibly used for angst. Hope you enjoy.

There is also a good amount of Princess Bubblegum slander because of how the Winter King is meant to parallel PB. I love her and know she's grown, but I have to bring up her crimes and flaws here. It’s so hard not to.

Warnings: Overall toxicity. Toxic positivity. Boundaries aren’t understood and respected. Mentioning some of the things Princess Bubblegum did in Adventure Time (I just list some of the worse stuff. Everything else fits into another warning). Mention of manipulation and stringing someone along at the end.

I mostly write him as pretty wholesome in headcanons because of his charming persona, but the Winter King is not the best partner in Ooo for sure, and there are a lot of possible avenues for angst.

He showers you in attention and whatever you want, but he can very draining to be around.

He has the same issues our Simon does, for starters, but he’s also the definition of toxic positivity

He never wants to do what you want to do, but he so subtly talks you into it so that you might not even question it.

If you point it out, he genuinely doesn’t believe you. You wanted to go on the last adventures you two went on, right? Why didn’t you say so if you didn’t?

If you’re a magic user or have any kind of curse, he’s going to want you to just put it onto someone else like Candy Queen. He obviously won’t tell you that because he knows you’d hate the idea.

If he could, he’d do it himself even if you didn’t want him to, especially if your madness or curse gets in the way of his whole charming, fairytale king persona.

Even if you felt like you had a good balance with the madness or that the madness was a big part of you, he wouldn’t have any issue taking that away.

And he has good intentions. Even if you tell him why you’d want to keep the madness and why it’s important for you to have it, he genuinely thinks it’s better for you to not have it.

His cheerfulness can also be a bit much as well, especially if you feel bad. You could feel overwhelmed or just like you need to stop being sad around him.

He’d dismiss those feelings as well as whatever else you’re feeling.

I also think that since he’s meant to parallel Princess Bubblegum, he probably has a lot of the same issues she does, especially considering his lack of “bad feelings.”

I could easily see the Winter King doing more of the stuff PB had done in Adventure Time. Torture, genocide, spying on citizens, creating life without any thought into it, creating life that either is stupid or has no free will, etc. is fair game.

Unlike PB, I don’t see him going through the character growth she went through though.

PB and Simon both can be so goal-oriented and single-minded that they both forget to take other people’s feelings into account, so I imagine Winter King would also struggle with that as well.

The best case scenario for a difficult problem is also the most common: He either ignores it or pushes it onto someone else. He may even try to distract you so you can ignore it together

Worst case scenario for a difficult problem: He gets so into solving it that he ignores your feelings on how to solve it and goes in a selfish or less ethical direction.

And again with the PB parallels, I could absolutely see the Winter King stringing along someone so they would do what he wanted like how PB arguably did with Finn. You could argue that’s what he was doing with Fionna as well.

[miyaur]

𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮. ft. diluc

— what is he like when you both finally become a thing? and how does it happen? what happens after you both get married, lets see! ♡

⟢ Sypnosis﹒ basic sfw/nsfw hcs on genshin men once you date them!!

⤷ ﹒ notes ♩ WAAA i just fixed my blog n fixed school, and i wanna change to kokomi/blue pink & green theme bro, anywaysss.... im back from my hiatus YIPPEE!!!!

⟢ Warnings﹒ no spoilers that is important to the in-game storyline, mentions of death (diluc fatherlessness), THESE HAVE NSFW HEADCANNONS AT THE END.

𝐃𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐂 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐑, what was he like when he first met you?

・whether you'd be the Traveler's friend from another nation, or even outside this world, or if you were just one of Kaeya's new drinking buddies, nevertheless you caught his eye in particular.

・you weren't really obnoxious, unlike someone else who drinks at the tavern often, green fading to blue hair, short, and has an anemo vision.. well you could control your alcohol consumption pretty well, you could drink a lot and still not be that drunk at all, plus, he'd never admit it before, but you were stunning. not like the other drunkards he met at his tavern.

・specifically taking shifts only whenever you arrived, but that's just a coincidence he says. you usually would just strike up conversations once Kaeya had gone, or that he was too drunk to talk (lol), it was just you trying to get to know him, to your surprise though, he would reply, even if it was a dry, cold response, he also tried to put a bit of effort into talking to you. when a particular pointed it out he would get a free bottle of dandelion wine, and a treat to able to hear you laugh a bit.

・he can be a bit unwelcoming at times, but whenever you spoke to him, that changed. slowly warming up to you, you both had pleasing conversations, as chaos of drunkards in the background rose, yet you both paid no mind, just you and him, no one else.

𝐃𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐂 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐑, how would he act once he realized he liked you, romantically?

・probably would be in major denial, attachment issues too. he's scared you leave him like everyone else, he's scared that he'll hurt you without meaning too. tries to push the feelings away, plus, you probably only like him as a friend, right? he would slightly, very slightly, gaslight himself into thinking you only like him as a good friend, or not a friend at all

・next stage; anger, he is probably a bit upset with himself that he fell for you, but who could blame him, you treated him like an equal, your bright smile could immediately make his day, your voice could soothe his mind, your body was like candy to his eyes, everything about you he loved, he was frustrated, why did he love you so much? whenever you arrived into the tavern at night, his face would light, and a small smile would cover his face, no one has done for him, ever.

・bargaining; like i said he would maybe gaslight himself into thinking you don't like him like that, and maybe tried to ignore you too. that's hard, especially since the whole my shift is when you arrive thing is there now.. well he just tries to not make an effort in his conversations with you anymore, but you do, and that gives him a real hard time. he gave up eventually.

・depression; he's scared that he's lowkey accepting that he likes you, has actually now taken into account if you liked him back. when he finally opens his heart to someone other than himself. after his father's death, he wasn't the same person. Kaeya noticed that too, you could make him feel better within seconds of being in his presence, it felt like home, something he never felt before. made him take a few days off of shifts at the tavern, burying himself in work, paperwork that had been recently given so not much work was had to be done, trying to distract himself from you was hard. he gave up a bit later, he decided to escort you home.

・acceptance; probably a year into meeting you, he'd accept that he liked you, wow, that took a while, but bro has issues, what do you expect.. anyways, he does acknowledge his love for you very clearly. accepted, accepts, whatever, he is now aware he loves you, but even during the 1st year you both met, he's taken note of your reactions to his words, to what he does, and did. he makes sure that when he does end up confessing, that he doesn't get rejected and ruins your friendship. even taking so long to observing you a bit more for 3 months, just to see if you'd accept his offer to go out with him, he didn't really have to wait that long, you'd also fallen in love at first sight. finally after so long, he takes you both on your first date!

𝐃𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐂 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐑, where would he take you both on your first date?

・picnic dates on top. the classic clichè restaurant date is a close second, and coffee dates at home or at a small cat cafe is a good tie. picnic dates with him would probably be near the dawn winery, maybe even picking out good grapes for grape juice and make some at home, he knows how to make homemade fruit juice, just give him good fruit, that's it and he'll make yum yum smoothies. probably would tell adelinde that he'll cook for any upcoming picnic dates you guys have. ・next upcoming dates would always be a surprise though, he isn't always the man to do the same thing over and over again, restaurant dates with him feel like a dream though! he rents out the whole place, so that's it's just both of you, and from past conversations whenever he's asked you about things, he does take note mentally about your favorite food, favorite place, etc. he'll probably try to learn how to make the dishes you love too! ・coffee dates at home, definitely just both of you cuddling and spending time together by talking to each other, or going out for a walk, probably would also have set up something so that both of you could stargaze at night when ever meteor shower were scheduled that day. very thoughtful, will gift you whatever you frequently talk about things like jewelry, he'll buy whatever's best fitting to you, he loves seeing you wear what he bought, definitely does something to him. ・he probably asks lisa and jean for advice, they both laugh at him lmao, "i'm happy you both are together, after so long, but nothing gives me a laugh more than diluc trying to ask for help from us is something out of the ordinary", jean probably nods and laughs with her girlfriend too, but they do give him good advice trying to help you both, lots of laughs through out it though hehe. 𝐃𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐂 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐑, when will he propose? did it go wrong, but in a right way? or did it go according to how he wanted it to go?

・probably does go according to what he planned, maybe after 2/4+ years or being together, he'd start thinking about marriage, and having a family with you. very often in the 1st or 2nd year of dating/being his partner, he'd start to think, and maybe even once asked you if you ever wanted to get married one day. marriage with you, or having a family in general, was constantly on his mind, and never left. also to answer the question if he wants kids; yes, 1-3. ・did it go wrong in a good way, or did it go accordingly; it went accordingly, it went well, he's super happy, he had given you a whole speech, holding your hand, he memorized the speech by heart, the whole time he's on the verge of tears and slowly getting on one knee once he's almost done with the speech, and brings out a beautiful ruby jewel on the top, with a gold mixed with silver base, he thinks it compliments your beauty. probably had rented out a restaurant for it, to make it seem like a normal date. took you out to a secret hangout of his that he decorated with plants that only shine in the night. ・in a way, it went both ways too, putting that ring on your ring finger was an amazing feeling, he fell in love all over again, both of you have tears running down each other's cheeks, this was one of the happiest nights ever, before you both had your wedding a month later. your wedding is probably lowkey private, inviting mostly who are fairly close to you guys; jean, lisa, kaeya, the traveler, paimon, etc.!! (jean catches the bouquet when you do the bouquet toss thing)

NSFW HEADCANNONS. read at ur own risk ♡

𝐃𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐂 𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐑, general nsfw hcs :D ・likes being in control probably, maybe breeding kink, but he probably just wants you and him to feel good, your body is his no. 1 kink. maybe corruption kink too though, anyways medium/high sex drive-ish, doesn't masturbate that much, usually gets turned on by revealed skin, like revealing clothing on you gets him going, like i said, mostly anything that concerns your body, is what he definitely loves the most, everything about you gets him going, probably jerked off to you once or twice before you guys started dating, he's probably sensitive too, pretty prone to orgasms, doesn't cum that quick i guess ・probably pulls your head closer to his shaft while you're blowing him, maybe 6.325 flaccid, 8.459 hard. his pounds get harder the more you guys are into the moment. like in the heat of the moment he probably degrades you, he doesn't mean it and reassures you during aftercare sessions. loves it when you look at him in the eyes, likes it a bit too much actually, positions he loves is anything that concerns you looking at him, and him getting to see your whole body. ・i feel like he tops more often, but is a switch, he leans to dominating much more. but if he was a submissive baby, praise him, like a lot. mark his body, let him know he's yours. pound him hard while you tell him praise, with your strap/dick, he'll absolutey fall. hearing how he makes you feel, makes him even more horny too. ・he sucks the life out of ur dick/pussy, like it's unreal. will not waste any drop of your cum. oh by the way suck his nipples while fucking his hole :D!! ・after everything's done, aftercare with him is great. loves showering with you after, lots of praise after everything's done because he wants you to remember he still cares about you, want you to remember that.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Glad you liked the submission, as I have more on the Aware of Abuse AU!

I think it would be really interesting to reflect on how this situation would be kind of a drawn out grapple for Marinette. This is in no way salt and I think if it was written she'd both warrant having hear grievances hear, but also could definitely come off as a bit antagonistic, or at least wary.

(Exactly how hostile she defaulted to with Chloe tended to oscillate episode to episode so ya know how it be)

Marinette would have the easiest time getting close with Kagami. She has no history like with Chloe & no baggage, IE friendship with Chloe, like Adrien. Tomoe is not someone Marinette admires and its much easier to see abuse in the physicals side. While she'd struggle to see it more in the verbal or negligence side; or otherwise be able to rationalize the negative behaviors such as over protectiveness.

Meanwhile Adrien would be tied a lot closer to Chloe going into school as she'd be being less overtly antagonistic or vain. Plus, they'd have a much stronger "We need each other to keep from falling back into old patterns and to survive" mentality.

Plus Adrien would be a bit more overtly snarky and less respectful to authority or stuff like Gabriel's fashion shows. He still is very nice and super wants to be liked by everyone all the time, but it'd be a lot easier for her to see the negatives in his behavior.

Chloe meanwhile would probably rankle and outright frustrate her the most. Not just because she'd still be hard to get along with in general, or because she still is not against ignoring rules or disrespecting authority figures. But because...

No clue what your religious views may or may not be, but have you heard those talks of "Catholic guilt" and the idea of needing to suffer, do penance, ETC before one can be redeemed?

Marinette wouldn't strictly think or want that, but there would be a part of her that would sort of... Well resent that Chloe is seemingly just choosing to change and not even necessarily enough.

That is to say, Chloe might still rudely reject Sabrina's cookies out of hand but then instantly walk it back and have some.

But more in that she's suffered no defeat, she's not been taken from her previous luxurious circumstances, she hasn't seemingly lost anything and even more she'd not even be overtly contrite.

That is to say, Chloe wouldn't be doing stuff akin to the Lady Luck AU (Nothing against it, great fic!) where she'd frequently reflect on how much of a 'fuck up' she was. Or or say stuff like, "I know I was a bitch but I am trying to be better". Or feel guilt in the "I can't even be mad they assume the worst of me cos I probably would have done X."

She's just choosing to be different and on some level its deeply unsatisfying and even frustrating.

(Where is the arc, the climax, the catharsis!?)

Especially if some people roll with it or let her get away with it when she starts falling into old habits.

Marinette doesn't want Chloe to suffer or beg forgiveness or hate herself she doesn't. She just doesn't understand why now? Why at all? Why because of her friend? Why because of how she was treated and not how she treated others?

Why couldn't she care enough about hurting Marinette to change!?

That I think would be the lynch-pin and one that is, from Marinette's perspective, as well as others in and out of universe entirely sympathetic, she was hurt after all.

But in that same vain Chloe's an abused child lashing out due to trauma and taught such terrible lessons she sometimes couldn't process that she wasn't doing 'right'.

Marinette's been hurt, and that would need to be properly addressed. But it wouldn't need to happen in a self recriminating manner necessarily.

Not that I don't love those, self hating characters rife with issues are fun to explore. It is just that I think it'd be interesting to explore both, changing as a person, and a "Bad" victim getting help before they actually even start processing over much how others might warrant reoperations.

Does that make sense?

The story "restorative Justice" sort of dips into this from a different middle ground angle and most stuff by Generalluxun often have elements of it too.

Oh yeah no it's.

Marinette doesn't understand why Chloé is Like That™ in the first place, so she can't fathom her wanting to change.

From Mari's perspective, Chloé's life is pretty perfect. She's beautiful, she's rich. She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants and always gets her way through money or influence. She's always bragging about how she's so much better than everyone. Clearly her parents must adore her because they spoil her with gifts and never tell her 'no'. Any 'hardships' are just minor inconveniences that Chloé brought upon herself by being mean.

So why would Chloé choose to change? If it's not broke, don't fix it. Chloé's life is Perfect™, why would she do something to make it different?

It's not that she wants Chloé to suffer, or thinks that she /should/ suffer. She just doesn't understand why someone with a Perfect Life™ would change without going through some kind of suffering that forces introspection.

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

[hisui555]

Hazbin Hotel thoughts : Foils 3

(Foils 1 here)

(Foils 2 here)

(Foils 4 here)

Masterpost here.

Might as well crank out that one while I'm at it. Two words (and a half) : Alastor VS Vox.

(...Alright, not everybody at once, someone might get caught in the stampede.)

Yep, let's talk about two of the statistically main favorites (well, they're mine too in a way. In a "would like to see them trip up and crumble" way), who have a lot in common despite how much they despise each other. First of all, let's round up what we know : they have a Radio VS Video shtick that everyone and their dog knows about, inside and outside the show, are both Overlords, might have been closer in the past whatever that relationship was based on the torn photo of Alastor in Vox' possession (seen in Ep 8), Alastor died in the 1930s while Vox died in the 1950s, so the former has been around 20 years in Hell when the latter popped up there and highly probably met him there, Vox wanted him on his team at one point but Alastor turned him down as flat as his face, Vox infamously got butthurt (and it's implied he had/still has a crush on Alastor - at the very least a very strong interest to be noticed by him - if going by the Hazbin Wiki's cited sources, the archived "Hazbin Hotel Fashion Stream for the Comics") and metaphorically speaking declared war on him, while Alastor very much doesn't have the same obsession and outside of feeling aggravated by Vox' presence when Vox decides to crave attention, can't care less about him.

Hilariously enough, though, they have quite the lot of parallels, even hitting idependently the same idea - religious outfit, multi-shot of themselves around a target to get a point across, mocking doodles for a broadcast, ominous about-to-lose-it "What did you say" in a heavily filtered voice, clawing up a surface under out-of-control emotions, hundred-watts smile to keep up appearances (and as a tool like Alastor himself points out), the clothing style (though Vivienne liking bowties and suits does have a hand in it), the go-to guy where problems arise (Alastor being the powerful one dealing with physical threats the Hotel faces, Vox being the local babysitter to make things fall in line), the showmanship, the pride, the issues with control, the attention-craving tendencies and hatred of being ignored... you certainly saw the posts on Tumblr, I'm not the first one pointing this out, by far (deuxaeonn has a very good one here). But looking closely, it looks like either they have naturally a lot in common, or that someone (not naming names but giving you a hard sideglance, Vox) has caught habits or is emulating the other sub/consciously. Given that one had a 20 years heads-up in Hell on the other, well, can't be that far-fetched (even if nothing is confirmed at this point by now, at the time of writing).

The main difference is how they go at it : Alastor is steadier and truer to himself than Vox, who privileges quantity over quality. While both have issues with control and presenting an unflappable front (which they are very much not), Alastor manages to keep it better together, whereas Vox dissolves into what can be only called a tantrum when things don't go his way ("FffuhuHuck !") and his ego takes a blow. Vox also has to try harder or more actively to get attention to him (Stayed Gone's beginning, where he We Don't Talk About Bruno-ed himself by speaking about Alastor to say that it's useless to speak about Alastor. "Stop giving him the time of day !" - great job, buddy) while Alastor just has to pop up and in three quick sentences dresses him down in front of everyone. While Vox floods people with too much and meaningless information - be it visual or audible, hopping from scene to scene, Alastor plays with mystery and withholding information so that everyone goes crazy guessing ("I'm sure you've all been wondering") - which works well on the fans outside the show, but inside ? Not so much : Carmilla just shrugs him off, Zestial is mildly curious at best, the other Overlord don't even ask, Lucifer doesn't even know who he is, which drives him up the wall. The only one actually caring (despite insisting on the contrary) about what he does and why he's back ? Ironically, that's the one Alastor doesn't want to acknowledge !

(Oh, Vox, you wish Alastor would look at you the same way he looks at Lucifer... boy this is peak comedy gold.)

Alastor only needs his voice and aura of enigma wrapped into a mystery, while Vox has his face everywhere. Alastor chooses each moment to make them more impactful and plays his cards close to his chest, while Vox wants to be on all fronts and keep the cards coming to drown the opponent with them. Alastor only has to speak to intimidate, Vox relies on his bullshit-talking skills and hypnosis, though they both have confidence and charisma : Alastor's is more about danger and unpredictability, someone to be wary of, Vox' is about false friendliness and advertising, someone to trust. Alastor joins the Hotel for his own personal amusement and is very upfront about his sadistic motives, Vox plays friendly and hides his own behind false niceness and pretend service. With both of them, you need to read the fine print : literally with Vox ("Trust us ! With what ? None of your business" - seen on one of his posters in Ep 2 if you're looking for it) and metaphorically with Alastor - he'll honor his word, and his word alone.

Both also don't drop the façade when in private, though it doesn't take much for Vox to be pushed over the edge (a certain name will do it just fine), while Alastor keeps on the smile even in the middle of a breakdown (though if it's out of habit, or because he maybe literally can't is up in the air for now). They both want control and to be in control, and fancy themselves to be quite powerful. Their arrogance also doesn't help : Alastor goes against Adam without any angelic weaponry, and guess who loses the fight ? For Vox, Stayed Gone is basically him wanting to throw a stone and realizing too late it was in fact a boomerang. That he caught with his face. This guy should write a book : How To Shoot Yourself In The Foot 101. Funnily enough, they also seem to have issues with boredom and frustration : Alastor needs to be entertained, and Vox' life isn't sometimes as glamourous as he paints it out to be - that with having to deal with coworkers that put the "dick" in predictable and the "ass" in pass.

Alastor however is much more competent (if equally petty) at keeping it together than Vox, never losing that gentlemanly attitude (or almost). He rebounds more easily, and while both are manipulative, Alastor pushes the right buttons (not unlike Velvette, even if she's doing it very agressively) he knows will give him the best response, playing into insecurities and weaknesses (Cheap Booze (TM) for Husk, catering to Charlie's need of approval by playing the 'dad figure'), while Vox guides people to the conclusion he wants them to make by letting them think they did the process on their own (seen with Valentino) and prodding for the right answers. It's also interesting to see that, while he responds if provoked, up to know Alastor never really starts a song on his own : even Inside Of Every Demon Is A Lost Cause is a reprise riding on Charlie's Inside Of Every Demon Is A Rainbow that he composes on the fly. Stayed Gone has him responding to Vox, Hell's Greatest Dad is him hijacking Lucifer's show to steal his thunder, Ready For This has him as a part of the group, and only the Finale verse has him alone and clashing with the rest of the song, only popping back up from "And we'll do it with a smile !" line onwards.

It underscores nicely Alastor's ability to insert himself in the life of others and riding the coattails of what's currently going on to his needs, going along with the flow until his goals are met, from the shadows that make up his powers. Vox on the other side presents himself as a necessity taking over everyone's lives, in center-stage and spotlight, dominating all fields from TV shows to cereals and ice cream, for crying out loud, just like he did technology. His powers are lightning-based (outside of technology-themed), which makes a funny contrast with Alastor's shadows. Also, just to nail it home, one has an almost-complete red palette (with black accents) while the other's is blue (with bits of red). And of course, they're both the Old (Alastor, who dislikes anything made after his death in the 1930s) and the New (Vox, who keeps up with technology's evolution, always chases after new trends and replaced body parts like his head to fit better) - hence Vox also appearing more shallow but also more adaptative than Alastor, who's more upfront about his intentions but also a bit behind the times and could be left in the dust if he weren't so powerful, but in a way, like radio, is less regarded but still useful and relevant. As many people pointed out, radio waves are the basis for TV, after all.

Their ascentions to power are also different despite similarities : they both became each one of the well-known hot acts in Hell, though with Alastor it came completely out of left field to the shock of everyone, as he's rumored to be one of the most powerful Sinner souls in Hell on his own (presumably) and nobody knows how, while Vox is the powerful CEO of a domain that has monopoly on entertainment in the Pride Ring, and most-likely climbed the ladder in relatively "normal" ways compared to the sheer mystery surrounding Alastor : Vox made the right connections, used his knowledge, forged the right contracts and alliances at the right times and like other companies associated himself with the right people for it to work (the Vees). Vox managed to fight Alastor and live to tell the tale (getting "almost beaten"), and while Alastor can easily upstage him, this means that he's still worthy of the title of Overlord and probably no slouch in an actual fight. Probably. Or at least has a style of fighting that makes him annoying and/or dangerous to face. However, what Alastor can face on his own and mainly alone, Vox has to do while relying on others.

But seriously, if these two are revealed to have been sort-of buddies in the past, I wouldn't be surprised.

(Also, just adding : the idea of Vox getting dissed romantically by someone who thought they just dissed him in a business-way, because they're completely blind to the potential romantic implications, and Vox thinking this was on purpose, is just gut-busting hilarious. I don't know which way it'll go in the show, but if it happens that way, I WILL crack my whole ribcage in hysterics.)

Welp, see ya next time by brain goes "ding !" again.

Again, Masterpost here.

PS : Thank you deuxaeonn for allowing the link to your post !