electrikenna

[darthlenaplant]

People who draw the female version (especially cisswaps) shorter than the male original design of a character are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weak.

[kylo-wrecked]

Name: Ben.

Nickname(s): Occasionally, a friend, a foe, or a love interest will call him Benji or Benny. Obviously, all Bens are united in their hatred of this.

Relationship Status: Verse dependent. Modern!Ben's articulated the words 'I love you' to but one other.

Gender: Cis male.

Romantic Orientation: Exploring or unsure.

Preferred Pet Names: Music!Ben will call you 'baby' if he hates you.

Opinion on True Love: All Bens believe true love exists... but maybe not for hims.

Opinion on Love at First Sight: Music!Ben thinks he's fallen in love at first sight many, many times. Modern!Ben is somehow more suspicious. Ex!Con Ben has never looked another person in the eye (Jk, he's not a believer) and Smuggler!Ben...

How ‘Romantic’ Are They?: He's unpracticed, not unromantic.

Edited for E.: Music!Ben can charm the pants off anyone but I still don’t think that makes him a ‘romantic.’

Ideal Physical Traits: This one is tricky because mun struggles to understand what makes one physical trait more desirable than another :') but we shall try.

Based on copious evidence, mun believes Bens generally prefer longer hair for [women/femmes], short to medium curls for [men/mascs], notable thighs (strong, long, or thick), or other limbs and extremities (Smuggler!Ben). Striking eyes, chest hair for [men/mascs], a nice smile, a brazen or unique laugh (for Music!Ben especially, laughter is physical). Scars and other proof of life.

Because he's 6'4", he prefers his partners tall, but because he's 6'4", he invariably accepts smol.

Ideal Personality Traits: If he likes you, be yourself. All of yourself, preferably, because he's greedy.

All Bens find humility attractive in a person. Music!Ben covets meanness and whatever he interprets as power today. Let's not think about tomorrow.

Unattractive Physical Traits: We're struggling again, and that's okay.

Redubbing this part 'least desired observable characteristics.'

Shaved or bleached brows, dreads on heads where they don't belong, notable cosmetic alterations (Music!Ben specific), literal body language (Smuggler!Ben specific), worm physique (Smuggler!Ben specific), problem skin.

Unfortunately, Music!Ben can veer on fat-phobic (he's certainly weight-conscious himself) and Modern!Ben thinks women should shave their legs for him or something ridiculous like that. Not that he'd ever say it. (Dirty fingernails are fine by him, though. The more, the merrier.)

Unattractive Personality Traits: ☝️ Do not lie to him.

Ideal Date: bullets? Bullets.

Modern!Ben: movie/museum and dinner, in that order, because post-movie/museum-going conversations reveal much about a person.

Music!Ben: goes from 1 to 111. He's not dating you; he met you someplace awful and will never leave you alone again. Hint: He's never the dumper, always the dumped.

Ex-Con!Ben: Somewhere quiet, outdoors, away from the public eye. Said date must make it clear to Ben that he's on a date, or else he'll be utterly lost.

Smuggler!Ben: kidnapped Poe Dameron once—and it was awesome.

Do They Have a Type?: Bens are often attracted to sensitive, mysterious persons... or people who 'yell' at hims (Music!Ben, Smuggler!Ben).

Average Relationship Length: Six inches. One to two years.

Preferred Non-Sexual Intimacy: Smush-

Commitment Level: Fluctuates. Bens are serious about those they care for, but.

Ah, the various buts.

Opinion of Public Affection:

Modern!Ben: Outlook good/You may rely on it.

Music!Ben: Don't count on it/My sources say no.

Ex-Con!Ben: ???/Ask again later.

Smuggler!Ben: *loudly in the cantina* —we're NOT married?!

Past Relationships?:

Modern!Ben: Has entered two serious relationships. The first was young and short-lived. The second ended in California. She cheated on him, and he has never recovered.

Music!Ben: Sadly. And before then, a fling with Rey, which he fucked up beautifully. And before, after, and somewhere in between, a thing with Armitage (verse dependent). It wasn't a romance, but it was certainly something.

Ex-Con!Ben: Nope.

Smuggler!Ben: Verse dependent but primarily occupied with and committed to Not Dying Between Now and Centaxday.

tagged by:// @godresembled <3 thank you, fren, for the much-needed distraction during my moving frenzy.

tagging:// anymun who hasn't already done this meme and wants to share~

singling out, @valkxrie, @debelltio, @itmeanspeace, @themckaytriarchy, @ofthestcrs (muse of choice), @certifiably-i (muse of choice), @ifyoucatchacriminal (muse of choice). @etoilebleu (muse of choice eris).

[mintedwitcher]

I just had two transphobes attempt to insult and degrade me by calling me a tranny, because I said I wasn't going to stop referring to cis people as cis. Then they got absurdly angry that I didn't react in the way they wanted when they called me a tranny. Because I've been calling myself that, proudly, for years now. I've reclaimed that term for myself, because fuck yeah I am a tranny. I think it's a funny term and I like it for myself. And these transphobes lost their goddamn minds because I didn't react the way they wanted me to.

See, this is what exposes them, though. They compared being called 'cis', a scientifically accurate term describing their relationship to their gender, to a transphobic slur, implying with that comparison that the terms were of equal moral value and impact. They're so mad about being called 'cis', because they see 'trans' as an insult, and therefore assume 'cis' is an insult. Their worst fear in this world is being assumed to be trans, or being called trans, or even being accused of being supportive or accepting of trans people. Because they see trans existence as inherently subhuman.

They don't even try to cover that up. They demand we use terms like 'normal' or 'biological' when talking about cis people, implying once again that being trans is subhuman. They cannot stand the thought that they could need to be classified in the same way that we classify transness.

This is also, btw, why their arguments and their composure absolutely shatters when you compare the terms 'cis' and 'trans' to terms like 'tall' or 'short' or 'blonde'. Because 'cis' and 'trans' are adjectives, they're descriptors, that's all they are. They're a way to classify groups of people into mostly accurate categories to make discussions simpler.

If I wanted to give a lecture about the commonality of blonde hair, for example, I would be wasting time and breath by trying to describe blondeness without using the word blonde, and I'd most likely end up accidentally excluding some types of blonde hair while accidentally including some types of hair that would be better suited under the 'redhead' or 'brunette' categories. The same can be said for discussions of gender and sex, which is the only context where these terms are actually widely used.

If I wanted to talk about cis women, I would say cis women. Because that includes all women who were born female and still identify as women now. If I wanted to talk about all women, cis and trans together, I'd simply say women. Likewise, for discussions involving only trans women, I would say trans women. Notice how in none of these circumstances anyone is being incorrectly categorised. Discussions of cis women stay about cis women, discussions of trans women stay about trans women. Discussions about women stay about women.

Categories are helpful. Adjectives are helpful. No one is hurting you or excluding you by calling you cis, unless you're not cis.

And really if you have this much of a visceral reaction to being called cisgender, maybe it's time you do some self-reflection, because you might not be cisgender.

[intheweirwood]

INTRODUCING: DORAN SWANN, RULING LORD OF STONEHELM.

hands stained with blood and a heart stained with guilt + the distant sound of clashing swords + wounds that won’t close serving as reminders of those lost + fanning the flames of violence + the unending thrum of vengeance + the rumble of hooves against dirt + overflowing ale and tavern tales + the shift in temperature as storms approach. 

BASICS. 

full name: doran swann.  title: the lord of stonehelm. the storm’s fury.  age: thirty.  gender & pronouns: cis male & he/him.  orientation: heterosexual.  allegiance: himself, house swann, the stormlands.  spoken languages: common  tongue.  religion: faith of the seven.  familial relations: utp swann (sibling), utp swann (sibling), utp swann (sibling) relationship status: single (fuckboy) pets: none. 

PHYSICAL. 

eye color: dark brown. hair: black, cropped short.  height: 6’1” build/body: a tall and muscular man, toned from years of battle. thick, with scarred hands and a commanding presence.   distinguishing marks: a long scar across his back, earned fighting the dornish. a large tattoo on his chest inked by fellow soldiers after each battle, each whirl serving as a memorial to those lost. 

BACKGROUND. 

he came into the world screaming – a fitting start for an heir set to inherit a century of war and fighting. as the child grew into a man, whatever softness might have existed inside him gave way to vengeance, a compulsive need to avenge those lost at the hands of dornish invaders. how many good men were taken? how many friends whose shadows would never again darken his door? how many women and children unfortunate enough to live too close to the border? 

he was six when his closest boyhood friend lost his father in battle. eight when he was called to listen alongside his father, the then-ruling lord of stonehelm, to pleas for aid that came from women whose husbands could no longer provide for them. ten when he saw firsthand the aftermath of war:  burning homes, weeping families, bodies that would never be recovered. twelve when he took his first life on the battlefield. he was not meant to be there – his father said he was not ready – but he had been training for years by then, guided by the best swordsman in the stormlands, and he could not stomach sitting idly by while his house fought and died for the realm. 

whatever his father thought of it, the boy’s decision to fight gained him the respect of the men who fought for his house. they welcomed him into their ranks and from that day forward, he was with them at every opportunity. the brave, headstrong and rash boy became more soldier than lordling. the men who fought alongside him respected him for that – he proved, each time he swung between them and an enemy on the field, that he fought for them as much as with them, and that he saw his own life as no more valuable than theirs. he grew into a leader, a man they wanted to follow and trusted with their lives, and it was an honor he took seriously.

off the battlefield, the man was not so different – he laughs like a soldier, tells soldiers’ bawdy jokes, whores and drinks and brawls in taverns not meant for lordlings. he is a man of huge appetites and makes no bones about seeking out the things that please him. likewise, he is unafraid to challenge those who displease him, never backing down from words spoken in drunken bravado. 

though he spent nearly as much time away from his family as with them during his youth, he will not suffer a bad word spoken about them, nor a hand raised against them. they, more than anything else, are why he fights – so that they do not have to suffer as those under their protection have suffered. it was, after all, his mother’s face he saw reflected in the faces of the women who pled for assistance in his youth, his brother’s eyes he saw peering back at him from underneath the helms of dying men, his sister’s cries he heard echoed in the weeping of maidens whose loves would never return. 

it is this love for his family that has driven him to a darker place than ever before. 

a year ago, his father died at the hands of dornish invaders bearing the name allyrion. he and a handful of other soldiers had chosen to entertain a group of visiting braavosi ladies during their short leave, and so he was not present for the unexpected skirmish. that left his father and a small group of men to defend against the host alone. he is told that his father died well, wielding his battle axe as powerfully as he ever had, but he hates himself for not being there. had he been, he would’ve cut down anyone,  done anything, including taking the deathblow himself, to protect the man who raised him.

 instead, the soldier, angrier and more vengeful than ever before, became the ruling lord of stonehelm. he has come to king's landing in the hope of strengthening ties between the stormlanders – of forging a united, strong front to face off against any future incursions. peace is a lovely dream, he thinks, but a foolish one. he knows the small folk – he knows the hatred that burns inside them after a century of burning, pillaging, killing. they will not forget it and he doubts the dornish will either, no matter whose ass sits on the iron throne or the promises made between noble lords and ladies. and so, he sees it as his duty to make sure that when the inevitable fighting breaks out anew, the stormlands are ready. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS. 

SOLDIERS/BEST FRIENDS (1 or 2): these would be his closest friends, soldiers he fought alongside and trusts with his life, and can be either noble or small folk. doran would see them as almost brothers, people he would do anything for. they have shared memories of battle but also of late nights in taverns, drinking until they could hardly walk, picking up women while on leave, etc. basically… i’m seeking frat boy soldier energy here laksjdfl FRIENDS: new friends, old friends, soldiers he knew less well, friends he’s fallen out with, training partners, begrudging friends, people he’s trying to make alliances with, unlikely friends… open to all the things!  ENEMIES: he’s made a few enemies over the years, and i’d love to see some of them in king’s landing! would be super easy if they’re dornish (the man has a bIAS, i’m sorry) but they could also be people he’s brawled with in taverns, someone whose sister he messed about (again… i’m sorry), someone who just thinks he’s an ass (bc he is) ALLIANCES: he’s a man on a mission when it comes to unifying/strengthening the stormlands, so if there’s anyone out there who feels strongly about this, let’s gooo! maybe your muse is pushing for peace (he doesn’t think it’s possible, but he’d be down to assist) or maybe your character wants to build ties that could help them out later. i’m being kinda vague about this, but if it tickles your fancy at all, lmk and i’m happy to plot!  annnnnnd literally anything else! I’ve got so much muse for him and will throw him into pretty much any situation, so… let’s do it! 

[variousqueerthings]

cis men talking about how trans men posting about all kinds of body types, flat chests, big chests, bottom growth, phalloplasty, has helped them embrace the bodies that they’ve felt insecure about

trans women twirling in their dresses and being butch and having all kinds of sized breasts, giving cis women an opportunity to revel in the parts of their own selves that they feel connected to

understanding pleasure, not being afraid of bodies and what they can do 

top surgery scars redefining ideas about shame at “non-perfect” gender presentations and “ugliness,” because if scars are beautiful, they’re beautiful, and they shouldn’t be hidden away, and they say as much or as little about your gender as you want them to

body hair or lack of body hair, tall or short, shoulder width, size of your hands and feet, open and proud body non-conformity, the opportunity to revel in all the kinds of bodies that exist, rather than believe that any little imperfection according to limiting standards needs to be destroyed, hidden away, taken as a mark of inferiority of gender

femininity masculinity void new binaries lack of binaries fag gender dyke gender boi grrrl queer gender tethered or untethered to anything you want it to be, be your own body

creation of the self, theories about bodily autonomy that stretch across lines of transness/disability/race/sex/ethnicity, transition as something to be unafraid of, rather than desperately holding onto stagnant realities that can be changed if you’re brave enough and allow yourself to be inspired and to live, transitioning as you age, as we all do

social lines redrawn, new masculinities and femininities injected into the populace with hormones/joyful representations/different communal connections, no need to enforce correct gender behaviours, no need to be afraid of appearing weak, appearing loud, appearing wrong... 

trailblazing bodies trailblazing minds spiritual, practical, rational, grounded, free-floating, impossible to repress ideas, impossible to destroy people, potentials for a past-present-future, always there, always will be here

[silverity]

this is going to be a very long response so i'll just go point by point.

"the pro-trans side argues in favour of gender identity and the irrelevance of sex. but this doesn't really do away with gender stereotypes, does it? it just allows a few to switch to the opposite side of the gender binary" -- strong disagree. firstly, nonbinary people exist, which completely does away with gender sterotypes (though that's such a big discussion that i'm not going to focus on that here). secondly, it is a huge theme in trans-positive spaces to re-affirm ideas that actively break down gender stereotypes, and this is a DIRECT result of recognizing the fact that not all women are going to conform to a strict steroetyped appearance (with the same applying for men, of course, but i'm going to focus on trans women in this discussion). the idea that women don't have to be petite little waifs, that women don't have to have a marilyn monroe hourglass figure, that women can be tall with broad shoulders, that women can have short hair, that they can have deep voices, that they can have muscle, that they can have facial hair, that they can be all of these things and still be respected as women -- these are all absolutely fundamental to trans acceptance. and this is to say nothing of stereotypes about women's interests, women's careers, women's clothing, and so on, so forth. there are trans women who are chemists. there are trans women in computer science. there are butch trans women, and tomboy trans women, and trans women who are engineers, and so on, so forth, with all of the diversity of experience and presentation that you would see in cis women. some trans women will get gender-affirming surgeries, and other trans women don't, and this is precisely because of the way trans-positive and trans-inclusive spaces have decoupled gender and gender stereotypes. this understanding of womanhood being whatever it is you would make of it is the most radical abolition of gender roles and stereotypes imaginable.

as for the idea that women's oppression occurs on a sexual basis -- while you see sex as the ROOT of misogyny, i see it as a SYMPTOM. misogynists don't write anti-choice legislation because they have a particular hatred for the uterus itself as an organ, they write anti-choice legislation because they believe all women have a uterus and, within that framework, understand that forcing control over that organ will therefore force control over women. when you talk about how "femininity is only demeaned because the female body it is assigned to is demeaned", we're talking about the same issue of "root versus symptom". just like how a woman who isn't feminine isn't magically free from misogyny, a woman without a vagina (or whatever other characteristics you might consider to be 'fundamental' to being a woman) is not magically free from misogyny. she still experiences misogyny in other aspects of her life, and this perception of her being a "incomplete/incorrect/improper woman" may just subject her to even further scrutiny and ridicule.

"treating gender as an identity in the trans way naturalizes the traits ascribed to the sexes as innate qualities to the sexes. womanhood is femininity, such that any feminine man or man who prefers feminine forms of expression is really a woman. & manhood is masculinity, such that any masculine women or women who wear their hair short are really men. this idea of gender identity also tries to pretend women are only oppressed because we adhere to femininity, so it's our own fault for not simply opting out" of femininity" -- i'm just going to point back to butch trans women here and the fact that decoupling "traditionally feminine" and "traditionally masculine" from "female" and "male" is foundational to trans acceptance. this idea that trans people are claiming "womanhood is femininity/manhood is masculinity" just isn't something you actually see in trans spaces.

"people should receive treatment, not affirmation" -- this has been tried. it has been tried repeatedly. it has repeatedly failed. the only thing "treatment without affirmation" gets you is dead trans people, and i'm not talking metaphorically. denying gender affirmative care to trans people has only ever led to trans people committing suicide. searching "Mental Health Outcomes in Transgender and Nonbinary Youths Receiving Gender-Affirming Care" will pull up a study from 2022 for you to look at. this information is readily available. i very strongly recommend looking into it.

how many people "identify" as nonbinary? how many are trans or agender or whatever else? i've seen some research suggest less than 1%, some say at most 5%. i'm not interested in supporting an ideology where the majority of women would still be oppressed and exploited GLOBALLY but for the privileged few, usually white, western, and middle class, who would be able to consider themselves nonbinary and potentially afford "gender affirming" hormones and surgeries. i support the collective liberation of all women. nothing less.

your claim that "trans women" encourage non-conformity to femininity seems like bullshit to me. it really does not add up with what i have seen from "trans women". a lot of "trans women" are guilty of saying the most misogynistic shit— from reducing womanhood to superficial "feminine" behaviours to outright saying their male biology makes them superior women to actual women. you can't say you're eradicating the oppression of gender when it's only through the locus of gender that "trans women" can claim to be women. if it's not female biology, and you're insisting it's not femininity from the perspective of "trans women", then what is our shared characteristic? what is the unifying trait that makes us all women? Black women, lesbian women, Muslim women... are all women because they are all female. genuinely, what do i have in common with "trans women" that makes us both women?? not only is it nonsensical to separate us from our female biology, it also erases our ability to organise around our shared interests as women, to discuss our experiences, to protect ourselves via the law, and again, recognise the inequal and exploitative sexual dynamics between men and women. women's interests frequently clash with those of men because they benefit from our exploitation. the inclusion of male "trans women" in the category of woman only further silences women and renders us second-class even within our own damn category and feminist movement (id like to note i keep getting called a cunt and told to kms in my submissions inbox 💀). we're already deemed second to men but now we gotta be second to male "women" as well? it's wild out here.

also, when you mention "trans women" and their careers, do you really think women are not discriminated in the workplace because of our bodies? because of our perceived inadequacies, both our perceived physical and mental inferiority, the nonsense that we are inherently weaker and less logical and overemotional? & what about pregnant women, or menstruating women, or menopausal women? "trans women" face none of these barriers, in fact it seems as though most "trans women" succeeded first in their fields as "cis men" before later "coming out" as "trans women". there may be diversity in presentation and experience among "trans women" but only of the male variety, only of male experiences. "trans women" do not and cannot represent women and the female experience, yet increasingly they are taking our places in activist spaces & organisations, university scholarships, sports, even on a damn women's gender equality committee— it seems anything reserved for women they can get their hands on they'll take for themselves.

like i said, if you don't understand that the oppression of women stems from males (and later the state) seeking to control female reproduction then you seriously need to read some radfem or marxfem theory, history, anthropology, theology... even Engels gets it mostly right in Origin of the Family. ill try to provide you with the briefest summary i can: by nature, males have no control over reproduction. their only control is over their own ejaculation. because of our bodies it is women who are by nature in control of our own pregnancies. it is also only women who (prior to the development of paternity testing) were guaranteed by nature a direct bloodline, which is what we see in the matrilineal/matricentered primitive societies that existed prior to the onset of class society and the creation of patriarchy. men's only means of ensuring their own fatherhood and rights to their children (for private property to pass to the male heir) are the social institutions of marriage and the family, through which women's sexuality and reproduction can be controlled and policed. the church and the state were also instrumental in reducing women to a subordinate status as the property of men (and so the capitalist incentive to have women birth workers is a factor too). for centuries women's oppression under patriarchy has been a mode of guaranteeing men sexual access to women (via wives or whores), control over their sexuality (to ensure legitimate children), the exploitation of their labour (unpaid domestic work, but for a long time even working women's pay went to their husbands) and reproductive labour (birthing and raising children), and control over their children (sons as heirs/male workers and daughters as another resource to exploit). i'm posting a link that provides a good explanation, but it's limited to only a marxist feminist viewpoint and it is a little outdated. but it's the briefest i've got for you.

i didn't really want to get into transgender surgeries or treatment all that much because i don't think it's my place to be involved in all that, but is it not true that all of it is completely novel and experimental? it seems like transgender health providers keep having to roll back some form of treatment. aren't they now worried in Europe that puberty blockers prescribed too early will permanently stunt brain development and maturation? ill look into what you've referred me to but ive also heard the opposite, that surgeries tend to be so disappointing for trans people (bc the reality is we cannot make a male body function as a female body or vice versa) that the risk of suicide actually increases years post-op. i hope it goes without saying that i don't want trans people to kill themselves, and rather than the GOP way of banning the fuck out of any mention of anything trans we should be funding more research into healthcare and treatment for gender dysphoria.

but even if we do have to accept that some people with gender dysphoria have to "transition" for their own well-being, in the case of "males to females" this is still a separate reality from being a woman. a male experiencing a disconnect with their male body and notions of masculinity is not a female experience. genuinely im not sure why being trans can't be it's own thing. why do trans males need to claim womanhood, why do they need to claim they're female, and in some cases even that they menstruate... clearly sex is actually very important to trans people. it only seems to become irrelevant when it's time to delegitimize women, our boundaries and our experiences as female people.

i think the both of us are forgetting the fact that in certain countries and some areas of society, we are already seeing the effects of trans-inclusive policies and a pro-trans culture: lesbians are told they're bigots for refusing dick, incarcerated women are raped by males in prison, female minors assaulted by male minors in mixed-sex spaces in schools, males winning women's sports and competitions, males in politics and activism speaking over women as to what womanhood is and how feminism needs to prioritise the males, confusion over women's healthcare and our bodies bc of this new incoherent language around gender and sex, males funding research into harvesting our uteruses (as though we don't have enough shit going on when it comes to the exploitation of our bodies).... just to name a few. evidently, "trans rights" already are clashing with women's rights, and if the trans movement goes any further it's only going to get worse for women. as a marxist feminist this isn't anything i can support.

[elfyourmother]

to expand on this a little

before I start let me just reiterate that I’m not trying to shame anyone or their characters or ships or be a wet blanket on anyone’s fun here, at all. I’m not trying to start disk horse. I’m just expressing frustration at a pattern I’ve seen for years, that hits some rather sore spots for me in terms of negative irl experiences. as always, be excellent to each other and you do you. (also: I speak from the perspective of a cis woman. literally everything I’m saying here is 10 times worse for trans women and contributes to/is a function of virulent transmisogyny.)

but I’m not sure people really understand the specific kind of misogyny that tall women face, particularly from tall men. It’s not an accident that the overwhelming majority of tall men who are attracted to women are partnered with very petite women. in all my years of dating people, I’ve had exactly two boyfriends who were my own height or taller than me. Tall men absolutely are threatened by tall women and many (erroneously) think that short women are more easily controlled. Misogyny is at the root of this, on both sides. But no one ever talks about the way height is conflated with dominance and aggression. I have had partners of multiple genders express disappointment when they discovered what a subby bottom I am and had relationships fizzle out. once or twice, you can chalk it up to preferences and incompatibility. after that, we’re talking about patterns--this is a pattern. it honestly wasn’t until I started dating Dandy that I felt valued as a tall woman in a relationship. Being a dark complected Black woman also affects this, badly. We are Un-Woman by definition.

so when I see fandoms gushing over ~height difference~, which in practice 99% of the time is referring to m/f ships with very tall men and very short women, it stings. particularly when we see the wildly differing types of language fandom uses to refer to tall female characters vs. short female characters, in general. because the rare times this trope is with a tall woman, the language used is very fetishy and dehumanizing (and for some reason, it’s especially rampant with femslash). the tall woman exists to be “climbed”, like an object, or “step on me” type of language (gross people will even post these kinds of comments on pictures of real tall women, in non fannish contexts!). meanwhile, short female characters are cute, dainty, delicate princesses. (and yes, I realize that sometimes it can be infantilizing. I don’t mean to dismiss that, but quite frankly I’m tired of being invisible and having these discussions derailed by that.) they’re ~smol~. “but bisho!” I can hear at least one person objecting, “people say ‘tol’ too!”. Bullshit they do. Be fucking honest, one of these cutesy terms is much, much more common than the other, and the other is just an afterthought. when have you ever heard someone in fandom say “tol” without “smol” in the same breath? it literally only exists as contrast. and you have never since these terms have been a thing in fandom ever heard any tall female character called a cinnamon roll.

wrt xiv specifically, this absolutely cannot be separated from the extreme unpopularity of femelezen and femroes imo. people will make excuse after excuse about why they don’t play femelezen-- “wonky proportion” is a common one, but femroes have more standard ones, and they’re even less popular. Meanwhile male Elezen are built damn near the same way as their female counterparts, but people thirst over them 24/7/365--three of the most popular NPCs that people ship with their characters are male Elezen. The lone female one of note, not so much. (incidentally, full disclosure: I’m built like a femelezen. So reading that type of "wonky proportion” thing constantly, along with the giraffe “jokes”? Yeah. It uh. Feelsbadman) 

And the #1 complaint I see about Viera, besides the hair/hat thing and no men, is how tall they are. When Gisele runs around as one, she always towers any others I come across (her Viera model is max height, and i love it!). This, despite the vast majority of playable female races being short. This is only our third tall female option, and people don’t even want us to have that, because they hate tall women that much.

i keep going back to the poses people make, and the absolute scarcity of them for femelezen and femroes--plus, the few femroes get are extremely fetishy and degrading (Viera get more done, but are their own fetishy mess tbqh for another post). this is combined with seeing literally every npc I love & ship with my oc paired with teeny tiny au ra and miqo girls, in poses that always emphasize how much smaller they are than these npcs; one such post I saw yesterday was the impetus for this, actually. the end result is being reminded of all of the messages I’ve gotten my whole life about my worth as a tall woman, being treated as if I have an inherent lack of attractiveness or desirability because of my height, and having these awful feelings reinforced in fandom. And it hurts. And I can’t talk about these things, because Height Difference(tm) is such an insanely popular shipping trope, it’s one of those tropes that is assumed to be universally loved, like “oh they were roommates” and coffee shop AUs and “but there was only one bed!”. 

I used to think that Gisele being extremely short in her original incarnation was just harmless wish fulfillment, and a deliberate choice made to differentiate her from me (because self-inserts are a cardinal sin ofc *eyeroll*), but in hindsight I’ve come to understand that it was really an expression of self-loathing, fed in large part by things like this. so it means a lot to me that WoL!Gisele is allowed to be a tall, dark complected femme, and her height is neither fetishized nor seen as a detriment or a mark against her desirability. She’s not “pretty, for a...”, she’s “pretty, because”. there’s a reason I had Estinien princess carrying her in that set I took for poc wol week. I’m literally starving.

And tbh, nowadays if I could, I would probably make her taller--I’ve thought about it, after her aether gets unscrambled in 5.3, and she gets turned back into an Elezen. She’s min height, for lore reasons (Hydaelyn reconstituting her in as close a translation to her old elven self as possible for an Elezen) but I feel bad about it, given what I said in the last paragraph. Sometimes lore is just an excuse. 

[ayy-spec]

This is for the men and women who are told that their biology conflicts with their manhood or womanhood.

Not having a penis and/or testicles doesn’t make you less of a man, whether you were born without them or lost them due to injury or surgery.

Not having a vagina and/or a uterus doesn’t make you less of a woman,  whether you were born without them or had it surgically removed.

Not being able to get a person pregnant doesn’t make you less of a man.

Not being able to get pregnant and/or carry a pregnancy doesn’t make you less of a woman.

Not having breasts doesn’t make you less of a woman, and having breasts or a large chest doesn’t make you less of a man.

Menstruating doesn’t make you less of a man, and not menstruating doesn’t make you less of a woman. 

Having a lot of body and/or facial hair doesn’t make you less of a woman.

Being short doesn’t make you less of a man, being tall doesn’t make you less of a woman.

Having a certain frame or shape doesn’t make you less of a man or woman.

This goes for any and ALL men and women, including transgender men and women. (Of course I know that nonbinary people exist too but this specific post is about men and women.)

I do want to acknowledge the cis people, especially intersex cis people, who get thrown under the bus all too often by people gatekeeping your gender.

We all deserve a space to talk about the ways that sexism and gender essentialism hurts us.

[wistcrias-arch2]

BELOW IS ALL YOU MAY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT GEMINA, AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER FROM THE COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES SERIES

INTRODUCTION.

FULL NAME:  gemina  NICKNAMES: gem, mina   ALIASES: mecha-bitch ( by the men and women at camp )  AGE: 405  DATE OF BIRTH: december 28th  BIRTHPLACE: the illyrian mountains  SEX/GENDER: female ( cis ) ORIENTATION: lesbian  ETHNICITY: illyrian fae ( saudi arabian/white )  OCCUPATION: cook 

APPEARANCE.

HEIGHT: 5’9” WEIGHT: 132lbs BUILD: tall and languid  COMPLEXION: olive-toned EYE COLOR: brown  HAIR COLOR & STYLE: dark brown, almost black, and short, kept in a french braid most of the time    NOTICEABLE FEATURES: clipped wings. also, a burn mark across her cheek spreading up from her neck.  AESTHETICS & STYLE: thick, dark lashes and soft, pink flesh splayed open. bloody fingertips and determined eyes. fur-hide winter boots and   FC: aiysha hart 

HEALTH.

PHYSICAL DISORDERS: her shoulder muscles were torn when her wings were clipped and never healed properly, so she has a lot of chronic pain there.  MENTAL DISORDERS: n/a  EATING HABITS: exists on a diet of mostly dried meats with occasional grains and rarely vegetables  EXERCISE HABIT: goes running and swimming in private when she can 

PERSONALITY.

POSITIVE TRAITS: resourceful, assertive, cunning, patient  NEGATIVE TRAITS: bitter, vengeful, untrusting  POWERS: n/a  ZODIAC: capricorn 

ABOUT.

–– gemina was once destined for greatness. born to low-ranking illyrians who wanted more for their daughter than the illyrian way, they had planned to escape with her to someplace else. another court, even another land. but her father, jiren, had confided in a friend –– and this friend had betrayed him. gemina would then grow up without parents, only ever assuming what had happened to them in the wake of their betrayal, though many would endeavor to teach her that it was the other way around. that her parents were the traitors.  –– her wings were clipped at a young age, something she resisted to the point of detriment, grievously hurting her left shoulder blade with the force with which she was clipped. her resolve, for a time, was bent –– but not broken.  –– still, gemina remained destined for ‘more’. as soon as she became of age, she caught the eye of a high-ranking illyrian male who desired her for his wife. but gemina did not want him. she’d never had much interest in men, and was fascinated by women, their grace, their structure, what made them tick. unable to put this into words he wouldn’t condemn her for, she refused him, and when he refused to relent his advances, gemina struck him, damaging his sight severely, and for that he had her punished, burned with hot oil that scarred most of her side, her neck and parts of her left cheek. she was also ostracized some, her worth as a mate decreasing wholly until she was left to do the menial jobs that no one else deemed worthy.  –– however, this also gave gemina the time to work on her own hobbies. namely, her biggest interest.... which was making bio-mechanical wings for the women who’d had their stripped from them. she did, for years, this in secret. gemina never even told any of the women, happy to let them hate her and scorn her lest they reveal her secret and her precious work.  –– over the years she’s experimented with bat anatomy and taught herself to weld and work intricately, and finally –– finally –– she might just have made herself wings. and these, she would not let anyone take. 

VERSES.

01. ACOTAR 

[mindfulwrathwrites]

What Does Transness Feel Like?

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One of the most common gaps in understanding I see from cisgender (“not-trans”) folks is that they find it extremely difficult to conceptualize what transness even is. The frame of reference is simply non-existent, and this can make it very difficult to have empathy for the kinds of things trans folks go through on a daily basis. Common questions include: “How did you know?�� “How can you feel like a different gender?” “Why does it matter so much what people call you?”

And I get it, I do. It’s hard to understand something you’ve never experienced. So, for the cis folks in my audience (i.e. those who identify completely with the gender they were assigned at birth), we’re going to go through some thought exercises.

I will also add this caveat: every trans person is different, therefore every trans experience is different. I can only explain from my own frame of reference and try to highlight the most common commonalities I’ve seen in the community. If you really want to “get it,” I encourage you to talk with a diversity of trans people—trans women and trans men, nonbinary trans people (masculine, feminine, both, other, none of the above), trans people of color, disabled trans people, Jewish and Muslim trans people, etc. etc. etc. There are a lot of trans experiences that I personally don’t experience.

Example 1: Physical Dysphoria

Think of a close friend or family member whose gender is different from yours—for preference, someone close to your own age, like a sibling or a partner. Imagine you wake up in their body.

Take a moment to look at yourself from the first-person perspective. What do your hands look like now? When you look towards your belly-button, what do you see? When you look in the mirror, what kind of face is looking back? Remember that it’s your face, now, your hands, your body. What do you smell like this morning? What’s the texture of your hair, if you have it today? How tall are you? Will your clothes, the clothes you wore yesterday, still fit you? What does your voice sound like when you say good morning?

What are the differences between what you expect to see and what you do see? What if those differences are permanent? Is it okay if you can never change back, if you’re stuck in this body forever? Will you get used to it? Will you ever expect to see this new body, this new face, when you look in the mirror?

Would you try to get your old body back? How hard would you try? Why would you try that hard? If you couldn’t get your old body back, if your old body was gone (and the person you swapped with didn’t need theirs back), would you try to change the new one to be more like the old? What would you be willing to go through to have a body that almost fit, rather than one that didn’t fit at all?

In this example, the difference between what you see and what you feel, that mismatched expectation, is what lies at the root of my physical gender dysphoria. When you’re suddenly body-swapped, of course, you know why this body you’re in looks and feels mismatched—but imagine you grew up in that body. Imagine puberty, when these things that aren’t yours begin to appear in earnest. Maybe it would have been so wrong, so distressing, that you would have known right away why. Maybe you wouldn’t have. Maybe you weren’t aware that pain was not a normal part of growing up. Maybe you just didn’t know there was any other option.

If you grew up in a body that didn’t fit you, it might take you a long, long time to figure out why you were chafing. It might take some deep, rigorous soul-searching. It might take extensive discussion with other people who had the same problems and managed to figure it out. Many trans folks don’t figure out they’re trans until they’re adults, in their 20s or 30s or 40s or older, because they don’t have the frame of reference, either. Some never figure it out. I count myself lucky that I got there as early as I did.

Example 2: Social Dysphoria

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re pretty comfortable in your other-gender body for the moment. You’ve taken some time at home to get used to it, figured out how it works, and generally aren’t upset by it. You’ve accepted how you look and feel at this point, and you’re ready to get back out into the world.

Remember: you’re still you. Same name, same gender, same title and pronouns. Different body.

First question: how do you dress before you leave the house? Do you wear your clothes, or do you wear the clothes of the person whose body you’re in? Is it more important to match your interior experience, or your exterior appearance? If you dress in your clothes, will you be safe outside? Will you be laughed at, shunned, perhaps even assaulted?

Get dressed. You’re going to be late for work.

Let’s say you take the bus. Does the bus driver call you sir today, or ma’am? How do you feel when they do? Maybe it doesn’t bother you. Maybe you brush it off. You thank them—what does your voice sound like? Does it reinforce the bus driver’s choice of words? Does it match you?

Who do you sit next to on the bus? Who chooses to sit next to you? How do the other passengers look at you, and who are they seeing when they do? Are they seeing you, or just the body you’re in?

How did you dress this morning? Are you safe?

Let’s say you get to work with no further issues. Your coworkers call you by the name that goes with the body you’re in, use the pronouns that come attached. As far as they know, this is how you’ve always looked, how they’ve always referred to you. Do you correct them? Do you say, actually, no, today it’s different? If you asked them to accommodate you, would they? Would you feel safe asking them? Would you feel safe asking the same of your boss?

How do your coworkers talk to you? Is it the same way they’ve always talked to you, or are there subtle differences? Are you being taken more or less seriously? Who’s chummier all of a sudden, and who’s making you uncomfortable? Who are you making uncomfortable? Are you overreacting? Do you bite your tongue at the water cooler when somebody tells a funny story about you and six times in a row uses the wrong pronouns? Do you correct them when they introduce you to the new hire with the wrong name, wrong title, wrong gender?

All your documents, your email, the display on the phone, all have the wrong name on them, too. Does it bother you? Does it start to wear on you?

Breakfast was a few hours ago. Biology is calling. Which bathroom do you use? Which bathroom is it safe for you to use? Do you trust your coworkers? Do you really, really trust your coworkers? Or maybe you went out to lunch. There’s bathrooms at the restaurant, Men and Women. Which one do you use? Who will recognize you as belonging? Which would you be comfortable in? Where are you least likely to be assaulted or harassed? Where are you safe?

How did you dress this morning?

In this example, there is again a mismatch, but this time between perception and internal experience—for me, this is the root cause of social gender dysphoria. A trans person can be perfectly comfortable in their body when they’re alone, but inhabiting the social space of a different gender is, to a greater or lesser extent, distressing. It can be difficult to untangle social dysphoria from the fear of harm that comes with being trans in a transphobic society. Do I avoid wearing skirts because I don’t want to be seen as female, or because I’m afraid of being assaulted? I might like to wear a skirt, I might think they’re fun and comfortable—but I have a beard, broad shoulders and a square jaw, a deep voice. I am consistently read as ‘male’ when I’m out in public. Is it safe for me to wear a skirt outside? Is it safe for me to use public restrooms today? Whether or not I’m comfortable with my current presentation has an awful lot to do with who’s looking.

Example 3: Gender Euphoria

Maybe none of this is distressing to you. Maybe the answers to all of those questions up there are easy. Maybe none of it is a big deal.

But now, let’s say that after all of this has transpired, after you’ve been through a week or a month or a year of being body-swapped, imagine you wake up back in your body, just the way it was when you left it. All your scars in their places, every freckle right where you left it, your hair the right texture and your voice the right tone. Everyone uses the right name for you, the right pronouns, the right title. Maybe you’re absolutely elated! Maybe this brings such joy to you that you never, ever want to swap bodies again, even though being in the other body didn’t bother you at all.

This isn’t as a huge of a deviation from the trans experience as you might think—some trans people don’t experience dysphoria at all! And, in that same vein, some cis people do experience dysphoria—a cis woman who grows a beard may experience the same dysphoria as a trans woman who grows a beard; a cis man who is shorter than average may experience the same dysphoria as a short trans man.

Many trans people experience, rather than gender dysphoria, gender euphoria, where being in a body or a social space that matches their internal experience brings them great joy, rather than just an easing of pain. Even if there was no pain to start off with, occupying and presenting as their internally experienced gender, rather than the one they were assigned at birth, brings them immense pleasure and fulfillment.

Personally, I experience both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria. Being called by the wrong name or the wrong pronouns makes me feel physically ill. I detest the width of my hips, lament my lack of Adam’s apple, and get an ache in my chest when I have to stand in a group of other men who are all six inches taller than me. I hated my breasts so much that I had them surgically removed (I try not to say “I had my chest fixed,” because it wasn’t broken, even though it was deeply, intrinsically wrong for me). But I love my voice, love how it sounds when I speak and when I sing; I adore the shape of my jaw and the way my new beard draws attention to it; there is music in my name today.

From the age of twelve to the age of twenty-six, I was never, not once, comfortable. Sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I wasn’t, but there was never a time when I was comfortable.

It took less than six months of hormone replacement therapy to fix that.

I can’t tell you what the Trans Experience is. There are as many trans experiences as there are trans people. I hope, however, that giving you a window into my trans experience has given you a little more perspective, a little clearer frame of reference for the next trans experience you hear.

Be gentle with people, stand up to bigots, and for God’s sake don’t ask anybody about their genitals.

[whenallelsefails-eatpie]

Finally Answering Questions for y’all

Q1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I used to wish I was taller because I already am tall for an (AGAB)female (5′8 1/2) but then I learned about platforms so. 

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

Monkey Ball or Sonic Adventure Escape the City...I only had a Gamecube.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Warning: Uses humor as a defense mechanism but will quickly become extremely invested in you  and give you immense amounts of unending love if they vibe w you

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

Melancholic

9: Are you ticklish?

extremely, on my back and sides (use this information wisely. I take no responsibility for involuntarily punching anyone who tickles me)

10: Are you allergic to anything?

absolutely nothing, allergies are to weed out the weak. (jkjk no eugenics here sis you slay that epipen)

11: What’s your sexuality?

~ pansexual  ~ (prefer agab [not cis, those are two different things] females)

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

tea, then coffee with cocoa. I don’t enjoy cocoa or coffee as much separately.

37: What is your eye color?

hazel/green 

38: Introvert or extrovert?

I’m ambiverted but lean toward introversion. 

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

oh yeah absolutely, I personally just prefer that the tattoos aren’t on your face.  Or with piercings that they don’t take up so much of your face that I can’t see what you really look like.

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

pink, red, or platinum 56: Something that calms you down?

reading, playing instruments, taking a bath, cooking or baking

57: Have any mental disorders?

yessir. ADD, anxiety. and I used to have really bad depression. Now my depression is simply manageable lol. 

73: What is your MBTI type?

INFP (enneagram 4)

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

surprisingly yes, will I come close to passing out? Maybe. But I can.

87: Do your socks always match?

never, I hate matching my socks unless the socks are funky and need to match to give them the biggest bang for their buck. 

92: A store you hate?

Dick’s sporting goods. I have been dragged around that place for hours and absolutely nothing there interests me. (edit: I found a beanie that I liked but my previous opinion still stands)

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

start counting and never stop. If you mean in terms of actual measurements like cups/ounces, I can drink 20. What can I say I’m from New England.

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

Definitely fly because that might help lessen my fear of heights

95: Do you like to wear camo?

literally shoot me if you ever see me wearing camo. please, I beg you. that will be me at my lowest point 

96: Winter or summer?

Autumn. Next question.

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

3-4 minutes. It’s all that breath control from musical theatre.

99: Someone you look up to:

Jughead Jones. Yes I said that, fight me. He is completely himself and he allows the different facets of his personality to shine through to people that he loves and cares about. He is loyal and caring but also unique and resilient. Plus his fave food is burgers which is an instant win for me.

100: A store you love?

Hot Topic, Barnes and Nobles, Savers or any thriftstore 

102: Where do you live?

New England bb (; gettin that dark academia aesthetic straight from the source

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

Amber

105: Do you drink milk?

You mean out of the glass? Like a psychopath? Like a serial killer? Absolutely not

106: Do you like bugs?

I do! Except for spiders and mosquitoes (although I’m warming up to spiders)

109: Can you draw:

Eh yeah ig, well enough. I draw realistically but I’m not great at animated style. 

111: A question you hate being asked?

“Are you a boy or a girl?” (like why? does it personally affect you? are you planning on boning me? if not then buzz off)

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Yes, but only at night when the beach is quiet. I’m not a huge fan of the beach during the day

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Rainy or sunny. Don’t go givin me the clouds with none of the drizzle.

119: Favorite thing about a person: 

Personality first and foremost. Humor and kindness. But physically; their smile and mannerisms. 

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Veggies (or berries i like berries)

121: Something you want to do right now:

Run away... ahah. But in all honesty I would love to go mushroom foraging rn, or possibly go on an adventure. Maybe go put on clothing meant for an entirely different time period and run around Target idk.

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Definitely not sour I hate sour. Spoonfeed me wasabi, that I can handle. But if you make me eat a Warheads I will cry. 

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

I personally have a lot of problems with the funeral industry, so I would rather not take up space and rot preservation chemicals into the earth. But if I had an interim tombstone with no body underneath, it would read “Live Laugh Love” bc ~irony~

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

that I’m very individualistic and stubborn

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

Yes absolutely, that’s what they’re there for.

134: Do you like roller coasters?

Do I like feeling like I’m about to full send through the crust of the earth and die? No. No I do not. (I am a simple person, I go to carnivals for the food and to feed off terror.) 139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Cookie

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

OH YEAH absolutely, I am a repressed gen z homosexual raised in a homophobic religious atmosphere, I am practically born with a therapist assigned to me.

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

Definitely good -_- unfortunately. Catch me bein the mom friend.

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

I prefer giving, but I am learning how to recieve. 

144: What makes you angry

People who live their lives in willful ignorance despite the endless resources available to them and let that ignorance hurt others.

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

All of em. Gimme em all. I don’t like boys as much currently but I would still probably lay my life on the line for some. 

147: Are you androgynous?

Yes. It’s more fluid than it is being in consistent limbo between masc and femme. Usually I’m androgynous but I often swing wildly between both ends of that socially perceived spectrum. 148: Favorite thing about yourself physically?

My hands or smile(product of bracesTM). But I have been told I have nice hands. 

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

I am a very strong blend of wise and class clown. I can do em both, I can do em well, and I can do em whenever. I also care a lot about others but I don’t change myself to be accepted by them. 

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

MLK Jr. --> I want to gain perspective on some of the current global issues. Jesus --> I’ve got a lot of questions for that dude. JRR Tolkien bc he’s incredible or Joan of Arc for the same reason

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

Ooh well, as a woman not many eras are desirable. But um probably either the 70s or Ancient Greece

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

YES. GIMME UR FINGERS > i meant that to sound much less threatening than it did but my statement still stands. 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Yes it’s literally one of my favorite things to do. I hab empty lap. *pat pat* U may lay your head on it and watch Rilakkuma and Kaoru with me while I play with your hair. pls. 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Women..... That’s it. That’s the tweet.

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

That I am not a member of the alphabet mafia. (It’s not currently safe for me to come out) Now tell me *shines light in your face* who are your contacts?

164: Do you have long or short hair?

I have medium hair. It’s around the length of a bisexual bob or a good mullet. 

165: Shortest/Longest your hair has ever been:

Shortest was a pixie cut, almost buzzed, amazing. Longest was to my butt and was literally the worst experience in existence. I shall to this day actively rebel against having hair like that again. 

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion?

Organized religion can suck it. You can’t organize your relationship with God, nor can you stick it into a little manmade box and pretend that you have the ability to create a perfect faith which others have to either follow or perish. It’s arrogant and damaging and hurtful and not at all what Christianity is supposed to mean. 

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

I do. I think it’s important and something we need to think about. I do believe there is something after death, and I like to believe that my life has meaning. I think that questions of creation are important questions to ask and we can’t just ignore them.

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

Yes! It’s fun! Pretty colors!

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

Absolutely. And the ones I didn’t feel like answering I simply omitted.

[arethesewritingtips]

Writing Trans Characters Part 2: Dysphoria - Social:

I will be talking about my personal experience with social dysphoria as a trans male as part of a 3 part dysphoria series to help you think of things you may not have thought of while writing a trans character.

That is NOT to say that my experience is the only way to write or that you have to. This is simply to attempt to help you to write a trans character more accurately.

Terminology and definitions in  Part 1

Bathrooms:

I ABSOLUTELY HATE using public bathrooms. I feel like no matter which bathroom I use, something is going to happen. I look too masculine (being 7 months on T) to use the women’s room, but too feminine to use the men’s bathroom. I always end up using the women’s room because I’m more comfortable with it, but it causes so much anxiety and my breath catches in my throat in case someone else is in there and assumes because I’m in there, I’m a female. Now, I have never seen a gender neutral bathroom in person, but I PERSONALLY don’t like the idea of them, because I feel like that’s ASKING to be outed. I am not saying that is the case, those are my own personal thoughts and feelings about it. But bathrooms cause so much anxiety for me and a lot of trans people I know.

Speaking/general appearance

My voice still causes a lot of dysphoria for me, since I’m 18 and going through puberty now. I have some people in my life who think I’m cis, so I try to pass voice cracks off as dry throat or joke about late puberty, but I’m so scared they’re going to find it suspicious and call me out on it at some point. Especially since I’m still misgendered. I wear my binder, masculine clothes, and try to lower my voice, however, it’s still happening, and it sort of makes me shut down a little bit. It makes me want to cry, hide, not want to be in the situation I’m in any more and just want to tear my body until it looks like a boy’s. Now, my height is very short for a typical male, (I’ m 5’4”/164 cm/1.64m) so a lot of people take that into consideration without even realizing it. It almost feels like a huge defeat that I will never overcome. It’s extremely discouraging for me to be misgendered over and over again, but I don’t feel comfortable enough to correct people (DISCLAIMER: not correcting everyone, pick and choose your battles. As long as it’s safe, teachers? Family? Friends? Classmates? Doctors/dentists/other medical professionals? People you’ll be around for long amounts of time? Correct them. People you’ll only see once or very rarely for short periods of time, like cashiers? Not worth it.) so misgendering tends to just get me down. People typically tend to look for physical defining features to identify the person, such as face shape, bump in the chest or lack thereof, sometimes height, hair length (my cis uncle is confused as a female often because his hair is so long, despite him being very big, tall, burly, and having a beard), clothes, etc. And if none of that gives it away, sometimes, voice can. Some of my friends say they pass until they speak. I never had that, but my voice absolutely gave away that I wasn’t a cis male, but even now with my deeper voice, people are still confusing me as a female.

Euphoria/passing

This has sort of become a little bit of a taboo topic, but gender euphoria does exist. It’s the comfort with being associated with your gender identity. (e.g.: a stranger calling a trans male “he” without knowing they’re trans or without correction and the trans male feeling happy, elated, euphoric, etc based on that.) It has been confused with a qualification as gender dysphoria, but it’s not the only thing you need to be transgender/diagnosed with GD. It can be there alongside GD. Personally, I’m an emotional person, and I’ve been so happy being called “he” or “sir” by strangers that I’ve cried or thought about it literally the entire rest of the day. That does happen.

I hope this helped to give you some insight as to writing trans characters more accurately.

This does not mean all of this rings true for every single trans person ever, some of them have no fear and just use their preferred bathroom without a second thought, to which I commend you, that’s some scary shit, bro/sis/fam. You DID that. Amazing. Incredible. Good for you.

If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out to me either here or on my instagram, arethesewriting tips.

Good luck and happy writing!

[battlestar-royco]

*raises hand shyly* Can we start romanticizing acne, glasses, and braces? Please?

Dude we deffo should. It’s an ongoing project of mine in what I write, romanticizing features that are usually the butts of jokes. Aquiline, round, or large noses, women who are tall or plus size or muscular, short guys, dark skin, curly/frizzy hair etc. I’m soooooo sick of seeing fifty billion descriptions of beautiful blond women and then a half-assed mention of other features, if they even exist in the author’s world in the first place. People are so beautiful and yet we only romanticize a teeny tiny portion of features we could possibly have. Every time I describe a non white cis/het character I’m like, “Challenge fucking accepted. I’m romanticizing the shit out of you!!!!”

[direquail]

An NB reading of Grace in Terminator: Dark Fate

Disclaimer:

Before I start, just want to get this out here: I’m in no way insisting that Grace *has* to be non-binary, that we’re *supposed* to read her as non-binary, or that that’s in any way what she’s “meant to be”. This is just some stuff I’ve noticed that, as someone who sits on the genderqueer/non-binary/transmasc side of things, really resonated with me. Again--read her as entirely woman-identified if that’s what you want to do or feels right to you. I am ecstatic that lesbians and wlw-identified folks have someone that they feel represented in, too. I wish I’d had more characters like her when I was growing up and felt so out of place because of my gender non-conformity. 


But I, for one, would love a non-binary or even trans reading of Grace.

So what I’d like to do instead is just lay out a couple ways someone who is NB-identified *might* connect with Grace as a nonbinary character. Starting with the obvious.

Androgyny Now, I do want to be clear that I know that gender presentation =\= gender identity. And again, obviously, people will latch onto things that they relate to in characters, and I really do believe that there’s no “one right way” to read a character. The character of Grace isn’t a real person; she’s part of a story, told by people, who had something specific to say, and her character reflects that. But from the perspective of the people who watch her, who internalize and connect with her character, there can be points of connection that have nothing to do with the author’s/creator’s intent, and so, Grace-the-character can be many things to many people. The only real way to know how a person IDs is to ask them. That’s it, that’s all. You can’t assume. But also, sometimes, people do “ping” a certain way. They give off a sort of “energy”, and for me, Grace’s energy isn’t the sort of “diaphanous femininity” that even visibly-gender-nonconforming AFAB characters are often framed to exude. Grace’s energy isn’t masculine, either. Her mannerisms don’t seem intended to read that way; rather, they seem intended to read as soldier. I’m not very skilled at breaking down movements, especially when it comes to how actors move and what it all means. It’s totally possible that a lot of what’s unique about how Grace moves is because Mackenzie Davis is, self-admittedly, not the most athletically-inclined person. Grace is long-limbed and rangy and sometimes very stiff/poised, but never stiff through the hips like a Straight Dude(TM), or heavy through the shoulders like a musclebound meathead. She takes up space, too; she’s taller than Dani and Sarah both, and the only recurring characters who are “bigger” than her throughout most of the film are Carl and the Rev-9.

To be clear: Women can be tall, and rangy, and androgynous, and take up space, and that doesn’t make them less women--unless they don’t identify that way. My point with all of the above is just observing that Grace doesn’t move like a “male action hero”—but she also doesn’t seem over-the-top feminine in the way that mainstream-y media will “compensate” for perceived unfemininity, and that’s kind of wonderful. Her stature, her physique, all of that, seem to be chosen and calibrated towards an end goal that isn’t gendered: Combat, efficacy as a warrior. Whether you want to read her as a woman or as nonbinary is largely going to be about your personal preference. This also has the effect of giving the impression that Grace is absolutely unselfconscious about her body and how it looks—and she has no reason to be, not because she looks good or bad, but because what she can do with her body is just so vastly more important, and because she’s so willing to put her body and everything it can do on the line in order to fulfill her mission (and protect Dani). If Grace has a gender, it’d be “Protector” or “Warrior”. And in a way, what makes Grace so appealing to female-identified lesbians is the same thing that makes her appealing to NB people—Her character was explicitly designed not to cater to “the male gaze”, and therefore, she also exists outside the typical gendered confines reserved for “female characters” in media. The emphasis is just slightly different: Instead of a different way of being female, NB!Grace has little to no use for those categories at all. Again, it’s all in how you want to read her. Grace comes from a future where survival and fighting take first priority, and you could project the same tired “Gender isn’t a ~problem~ in the future/after the world ends” approach that a lot of cis and hetero men take to sci-fi--but also, why? It’s tired. Give me a Grace who is preoccupied with survival, yes, who maybe doesn’t have time to think too much about this gender shit--but also, a Grace who finds that this “androgyny” (although she might not call it that) suits her, who takes to this way of moving and being in the world, this way of using her body, and identifies more with that than with being a “man” or a “woman”. 


(Sidenote: as someone who took a fair amount of Queer Studies classes, it does irk me a bit that discussions of mainstream-y speculative media seem permanently suspended between this sort of “genderblind” futurism where “identities” just don’t exist because they’re apparently not needed anymore, or copy-pasting our contemporary discourses about identity into a future that is materially very different than ours. The point of these identities is, in part, to describe our experiences, the good as well as the bad, and those experiences of gender and sexuality don’t exist in a vacuum. So, the words we use will necessarily change to accommodate that—especially in the post-apocalypse. BUT, everything that comes after us will also bear the stamp of what came before it; it’s just a matter of what the creator means to emphasize.) Augments & Body Mods This is a little dicey, because there’s some clear tension in the movie between the idea of robots = inhuman/unfeeling = bad, and humans = good/feeling. And in that light, it’s potentially problematic to (even incidentally) imply that nonbinary/gender-nonconforming = not human.

But I’d like to point out that the film does deliberately challenge any neat separation of “human” and “machine” with Carl’s evolution as a person. 
And based on what I’ve read from James Cameron and Tim Miller interviews, there is some “blurring” intended between human and machine in the franchise.

In fact, Carl and Grace are foils for each other, somewhat, in the sense that they’re on opposite ends of a spectrum where human and machine become blurred, and I love that. As a genderqueer person with a very fluid experience, it appeals to me on a deep level because you could spend literally forever breaking down where does one “gender” end and another begin--emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically.  


So the fact that there’s (1) no hard binary between human and machine (it’s explicitly subverted), and (2) we’re given multiple points of inflection, especially if you count Sarah and the Rev-9--alleviates a lot of the tension I’d feel otherwise in mentioning this. But I don’t think this is something that should be allegorical or a direct comparison; I think that it operates best on a metaphorical or theoretical level. 


And just, it’s the whole vaguely-cyberpunk idea of modifying your own body, not in a mass-produced or manufactured sense, but in this organic and highly individual sense, born out of contingency and necessity, that makes Grace’s Augments so meaningful. It’s one of the things that makes her read as human, too, because it feels more in line with our tendency to stick ink, steel, bone, what have you, through our skins whenever we get the chance--as opposed to some kind of symbolic dehumanization by “becoming a machine”.

Grace routinely refuses to categorize herself in anything other than the most general terms, or explain the details of her Augments, and she seems very protective of them. Rather than seeming ashamed, this refusal reads a lot like the popular queer identity explanation “not gay as in happy, but queer as in “fuck you’”. Her Augments are part of her, and part of her humanity; she volunteered for them, she owns them, and is even protective of them, viewing CBP’s invasive examination of her Augments as a kind of violation of her bodily autonomy. They’re clearly complicated for her, but they’re anything but depersonalized.

And going even further, the reason why she volunteered for them is so that she can defend humanity--and also someone she loves (Dani). They’re an extension of her sense of family, loyalty, love, and willingness to sacrifice.

And I don’t know for sure, but I imagine that Grace is basically one-of-a-kind, even among other Augments, if only because those Augmentations seem to be performed with the tech that’s on hand--salvaged Legion tech, by the sound of it, at least to start with. So the outcome depends on the parts available, the complexity and maturity of the Augmentation technology and process, and the skill & experience of the surgeons, all of which would vary over time. 


And honestly? If that doesn’t qualify as “beyond the binary”, I don’t know what does.

Some other general observations:

- Grace’s short hair is a constant throughout the post-Judgement Day scenes. As someone who started wearing their hair short as a preteen and hasn’t had hair to my shoulders since age 12, that does seem significant.

- Grace only introduces herself by name after Diego shouts “HEY LADY” in the factory before dropping an engine block on the Rev-9. Granted, most women don’t like to be addressed as “HEY LADY”, either, but it stood out to me, especially because she refused to give her name only a couple of minutes before that. Either way you read it, the line feels like it expresses some level of discomfort with or objection to that gendered statement. Maybe she finds that particular reference annoying or even offensive, but also, maybe she doesn’t really identify as a woman. She’s just... Grace.

- there were multiple times I mistook the back of her tank top for the back of a binder, even though she clearly was not binding.

- she constantly steals mens’ clothes--partly because she’s too tall for a lot of womens’ clothes around her, partly out of utility (like at the factory and CBP, where a lot of the guards are men). But also, it pleases the genderfucking queer in me quite a bit. And, I should note, when she had the option to take a female guard’s clothes at the CBP facility... she didn’t.

But ultimately, when I look at Grace, I see someone whose gender is “Warrior” or “Soldier”. And it’s so wonderful to see that so purely represented on a character we’re meant to perceive as female. So, please believe me when I say I don’t want to “take away” what Grace means for other people. 
And, for the record, I do mostly default to using she/her pronouns for Grace, because that’s how she’s canonically referred to. But just for fun--try this on for size: Using “they/them” pronouns for Grace. They (Grace) came back in time to protect Dani. It rolls off the tongue, right? It feels nice. Let’s re-try a couple of sentences from above: 


- “multiple times I mistook the back of their tank top for the back of a binder, even though they clearly weren’t binding” 


- “Grace’s Augments are about their ability to be a soldier. They were Augmented in order to hunt Terminators... Everything else is secondary to that, and their mission to protect Dani”

- “Grace only introduces themself by name after Diego shouts “HEY LADY” in the factory before dropping an engine block on the Rev-9 ... Maybe they find that particular reference annoying or even offensive, but also, maybe they don’t really identify as a woman. They’re just... Grace.”

And finally: 


Can you imagine the poor sod who tried to make fun of Grace for having a “girly” name? lmao rip

[prcsxcvtings]

CHARACTER SHEET

repost. do not reblog.

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME.     Yasameen Niloufar Farahan NICKNAME.     Sameen, Yassi, Sam or Sami (but only by like 2 people so don’t try this or you’ll be murdered in your sleep) GENDER.     cis female HEIGHT.     5′3′’ AGE.     39 ZODIAC.     Capricorn (Jan 10th) SPOKEN LANGUAGES.     Farsi, English, Arabic, German & Latin

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR.     Brown. EYE COLOR.     Brown. SKIN.    Soft, olive/tan but living in New York holed up in her corner office in One Hogan Place means she’s hella pale most of the year  BODY TYPE.   Slim but curvy, has the right amount of boobs to ass ratio DOMINANT HAND.     Right POSTURE/BODY LANGUAGE.   Usually brooding/has a resting bitch face. Comes across as intimidating and unpredictable as her expressions cannot be read whatsoever. At any given point, she can lose her temper and easily become someone’s worst nightmare but for the most part looking intimidating is just her face’s natural expression. She tends to sit up right in her office chair, spine straight and hooks her left thumb under her chin with her fingers slightly covering her mouth if she’s listening to someone speak. Crossing her arms over her chest or resting her hands on her hips are also a major part of her body language to show off her confidence. However, after hours in the office or at home, she’s resting on the couch or on the chair like a sprawled out cat or with her feet up on her desk/coffee table. Her body language really depends on who’s around her. SCARS.  Countless, pretty deep and horrific self harm scars across both forearms/wrists as well as her upper thighs which she continues to add more to. A cigarette burn on her right breast, cigarette burns in the groove between her thumb and wrist on both hands; all of her own doing. She’s over a dozen stitched up cuts in her scalp from the multitude of head injuries her husband caused which are not visible unless someone’s stroking her hair. She’s a 5 inch horizontal scar across the outside of her right wrist which required surgery after her husband broke it. She’s a scars across her clavicles, multiple lash marks and scars on her back which she also received at the hands of her husband. TATTOOS.  A spine tattoo in Arabic, a tattoo on her left wrist in Farsi and a tattoo on her right rib cage also in Farsi (I’ll make a separate headcanon about these in more detail) MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).   Big, Hollywood smile (if you’re lucky enough to see it), big doe eyes and straight, narrow nose.

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH.   Tehran, Iran HOMETOWN.    Raised in Beverly Hills, CA but calls Manhattan, NY her home (has lived there since her early 20s). SIBLINGS.     Saeed, older brother. Ali, younger brother (deceased). PARENTS.     Reza Farahan, Tahmineh (Mineh) Madani - Farahan

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION.   District Attorney of New York County CURRENT RESIDENCE.   Penthouse in Manhattan, NY. CLOSE FRIENDS.   Cassandra July & Kit Prince RELATIONSHIP STATUS.   Divorced and currently single FINANCIAL STATUS.  Owns more than half a billion dollars, incredibly wealthy and yet continues to work as DA when she’s more than capable of opening her own private law firm for the rich and wealthy like herself. DRIVER’S LICENSE.    Yes CRIMINAL RECORD.   None VICES.     Abuses alcohol and prescription drugs. Occasionally smokes weed or dabbles in cocaine if she wants to ‘feel’ something & gambles if she’s in Vegas or Monaco, which is rare. It’s shocking how she hasn’t lost all her money or how she still looks so damn good despite how heavy she drinks and smokes. 

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.     Bisexual, prefers women. PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.     submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  | top |  bottom | switch LIBIDO.    Generally low, prefers having sex with women than men. Higher if she’s in a relationship.  TURN ON’S.   Being tall, dark haired and having pretty eyes and a nice smile. A strong jaw line is a must and having veiny arms in men is a whole package. With women, as long as she’s tall and strong, Sameen is SOLD. Women in lingerie. If you can lift her up and do her against a wall, she’ll fucking die probably. That’s the dream. TURN OFF’S.     Fragile masculinity, arrogant people, racism, rudeness, not offering her some of your food, criticising how much she eats, pointing out her scars & flaws. LOVE LANGUAGE.    She’s pretty low maintenance, she will melt if someone touches her hair (only if she likes you back to - otherwise don’t even try it), pet names, and giving her lots of reassurance when she’s in a relationship because she has these bouts of self doubt and anxiety so just tell her she’s pretty and you love her. Oh and buy her food because food is the way to her heart. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.   She likes to take her partner out to her favourite restaurants and buy them food or if you’re really special, she’ll even cook for you. Food is a universal language in her opinion and she’s really passionate about it so you gotta keep up with her and her love for food. She’ll give you pet names in Farsi because she’s the most comfortable in her native tongue. Sameen tends to get clingy in a relationship because she’s so touch starved so hugs, cuddles, kisses are really important to her more so than sex. 

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬  !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.  I’m so afraid - Fleetwood Mac HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.   day-drinking or drinking in general, smoking, occasionally cocaine or weed, obscenely expensive food, eating in general, watching crime documentaries and taking notes on them, reading. MENTAL ILLNESSES.   Bipolar II disorder, anxiety disorder, substance abuse disorder, mild PTSD. PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.  tinnitus and frequent migraines & nosebleeds. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED.    Left PHOBIAS.  Her mother, spiders, insects, p much every animal that exists on Earth except a handful of them. Any body of water, her ex-husband, being buried or buried alive, failure. SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.     A+++ usually VULNERABILITIES.  Can get jealous easily, very short temper, does questionable things just to get what she wants, very competitive and sometimes overconfident but she doesn’t want to fail, turning into her mother (which she has about 40% tbh), having children and being a bad role model.

TAGGED BY: Me

TAGGING: You!

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.