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corruptedconfessions · 4 years

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last weekend I caved and read everything you ever uploaded here once more agskshkdd this is who i am as a person. but im love your writing so much!!! i have an especially soft spot for the naga stories, are those the ones that are about half-snake people? i always mess up the names but how do you think bakugou (and or kiri) would be as a yandere one, when he falls for the reader? i can't remember you ever writing a snake-version of him and idk if you'd be up for it but i'm super curious! xoxoxo

Aww!! Thank you so much :)

And yes! Naga’s are the snake people, semi human from the torso up and giant ass snakes from the hips down!

Bakugou:

If there is one word to describe yandere Naga Bakugou its possessive. It takes a lot for him to chose a mate, he is incredibly picky, picking his mate much past the typical age but once he picks?? Possessive protective to the extreme. You are his mate to do with what he pleases, and absolutely no one is going to take you away from him. Hell, he gets pissy the second another creature, intelligent or not even looks at you. You won’t be leaving his nest any time soon after he snatches you up, even trying to peek over the edges of the flattened down bowl in the ground leads to you being dragged right back to the middle and getting angrily chewed out and huffed at as you get tucked right back into the nest.

I think he’d most likely fall for a darling who hikes or walks frequently in his forest for whatever reason. A hunter, camper, or just any kind of nature enthusiast will quickly catch his eye. You’re so small…and your body is so different than his and yet you constantly come back here, carelessly leaving your scent everywhere, as if inviting him to have a taste. He isn’t one to turn down the offer. He doesn’t have any form of patience, somewhere during a mid afternoon doze and lunch he’ll come to the conclusion that he wants you, all while still ripping the meaty remains of his prey off the bone. Right then and there he decides to have you, still picking meat from his teeth with the jagged edge of a bone. The next time he sees you you’ll be snatched up into his arms and dragged back to his nest, kicking and screaming left ignored as he unceremoniously dumps you in his nest and refuses to let you leave.

I picture him most likely picking a human mate tbh, He enjoys being bigger and stronger than his mate, justifying the overbearing desire to hide away and protect what's his, something other Nagas wouldn’t tolerate. Even if you don’t tolerate it it doesn’t really matter, he is bigger and stronger than you, and can easily just pick you right up and carry you back to where he wants you to be. Biting, kicking, punching, anything just bounces off his hard scales. Honestly fighting like that is more likely to turn him on than anything else~ If you have this much energy you clearly can put it towards incubating some of his eggs right? Hopefully that fiery spirit will pass on to his eggs once they hatch~

He’ll also be curious, painfully so, eagerly twisting and pulling you in his hold like a doll, poking and prodding as he inspects you. Its not often he sees a human so close without eating them. He’s cruel in the sense that he likes to poke your squishy spots just to listen to your cute noises and watch you try and wiggle away from him. Its hardly ever malicious, though, the claws in your mouth, feeling up your teeth. Or large hands encompassing your entire calf as he feels up your leg is pure curiosity. He’ll look almost childish, eyes wide with wonder as he watches you twist and bend, so small and fragile yet so resilient.

He’ll hiss and throw up a fit if you call him out on this but he is also incredibly cuddly. Maybe it’s just because of that protective nature of his but he loves wrapping around you, snuggling his face into your stomach, tongue darting out to smell your skin. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are a breathing furnace compared to the cooler blooded beast. He’s so soft in those moments, eagerly nuzzling you and lapping up any attention you’ll give him, even if he huffs and insists its for your protection and warmth if you say anything. Human skin is so thin and you are so needy for warmth! How did you ever survive without him curling around you to keep you warm and chase off the chill of the night air. You’d be wise to keep your mouth shut about the fact that he is actually sapping your heat with his cold skin. Best not take those rare tender moments for granted, yeah?

Kirishima on the other hand leans more on the protective side of things. He’s younger than Bakugou, more on the naïve side of things and much more at the whims of his instincts. I think he’d honestly mate with the first little thing he comes across, unable to hold back and be patient at all. He’s a bit of a romantic at heart, in a terrifying, he’ll eat and swallow whoever you’re with whole when he sees you way. He wants nothing more than a happy loving mate, round and heavy with his eggs waiting for him when he comes back to his nest. He wants to protect and provide and snuggle with his cute little mate!

He’s brutal, eating and killing anything that comes close to you, and then immediately turning around and crooning and loving on you, rubbing up against you like a dog, his face still coated with any remains of what, or rather who, he just ate. (Lucky for you he prefers to swallow his prey whole…watching him gag up and spit out the bones that he cant digest isn’t a pleasant sight though.) Endlessly doting and so…incredibly suffocating. There will always be a hand, or head, or tail, or something pressed, wrapped, or snuggling against you. Half the time you feel like a living teddy bear as he cuddles and nuzzles you non stop, curling up in his nest and holding you close to his chest, face buried in your hair. The only time he tears himself from your side is to go hunting, and even then when he comes back you are scooped up and squished in his arms until he calms down again, extremely distressed from being separated from you.

He is obsessed with being a good mate for you, protecting, providing, and spoiling his partner. He’ll be traditional, hunting down larger pray than necessary just to impress you. Happily puffing his chest out when he dumps a bunch of hay and leaves into the nest, telling you that he knows humans cant sleep on hard rock comfortably, and so this will be more comfy! (Not that it does much, with how close he insists on being when cuddling, you practically sleep on him instead. Trapped against his firm chest as arms wrap tightly around you). Now this isn’t common behavior for nagas, but he’ll also bring you pretty little trinkets that he finds, gems or geodes he finds in his cave, pretty jewelry he steals from humans, rocks that he really likes and wants to share with you. Reacting positively to these gifts, maybe even making a small little pile for them in the nest will put him over the moon. He becomes so gushy and loving towards you for it you can get away with nearly anything after that.

Unlike Bakugou’s nest which is out in the open, daring any threat to even try and come close to his mate, Kiri hides you away. His nest will be hidden away in a maze like cave (He carved it out himself by hand! Something he very proudly tells you when the two of you can finally converse without you screaming or him fucking you silly). He never leaves your side, determined to protect and love you, but even in the moments he does, escape is hopeless. Even after crawling up the sides of the deep pit carved out of solid rock (you really don’t want to think how strong his claws are to carve out solid stone and made such deep grooves in the sides) you’ll be left wondering and aimless maze, impossible to not get lost or even get near the exit before Kirishima is back, rushing your side and picking you up into his arms in a panic. Naturally, being the innocent thing he is he assumes you missed him and went searching for him instead of trying to escape, but now you’re trapped in an even tighter hold under an even tighter watch as he tries “to make it up to you”.

With Kirishima you have a small chance, though. If you are loving and gentle enough to him, and you ask him so sweetly if you can get out of the cave just for a little bit! Promise! He may take you to a nearby river to play in the water, or a hotspring to soak together. Once you really have him wrapped around your finger you might be able to convince him to go on daily walks (slithers?) with him, only if you look sad and pout up at him enough, insisting that the cave is too dark and scary and you miss the sun. He’ll feel so bad he just might sunbathe with you outside for awhile too.

#yandere #kirishima x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugo x reader #naga

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viktormaru · 4 years

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A little journal on my Mollymauk Darkest Dungeon Class mod

cause I like procrastinating and remembered read mores and multiple images upload are a thing on tumblr.

So here’s what I’m working on so far!

Scary pic of placeholder mollymauk to begin

Thats one thing I gotta work on: getting spine. But it’s an issue for later so I’m not too concerned atm.

(NOTE: All the names on the screenshot are the Jester’s skills because I don’t want to rename the skills until I have spine, else I break the game for calling for effects and animations that don’t exist by accident)

For his skills so far I have:

UNNAMED SLASH

I haven’t named it yet.

This one is super basic, its almost the GR’s basic melee. Need to flavor it up maybe but it’s supposed to be a basic slash. I think

CRIMSON RITE

This would be that thing Molly does where he buffs his swords by slashing himself.

The idea would be to make this skill a toggle thing, like the Abom’s transform, where:

> swords on: -15% max health / +X% damage / +% bleed resist?

> swords off: Regen max health / heal? / -speed (?) debuff

But it’s broken at the moment and I’m looking into making it work

PURGE

Placeholder name. A suggestion I got was “mindbreak”

Spoilers for the newest arc, but basically this would be that one Lucien thing he does where he grabs someone by the neck and makes them bleed from everywhere.

I want it to be a devastating damage skill, like the jester’s finale, but with drawbacks. I’m trying to figure out how to scale the damage on it properly so you have to build up for it.

One of my ideas was to scale the damage based on the performer’s missing health, but I have yet to figure out how to make it work.

Also you have a chance to stress yourself and your party! Cause its a scary move.

I’m gonna need a lot of balancing here LMAO

EXIT THE SCENE

likely placeholder name.

It’s also broken in the sense you gain 20 dodge for 3 battles LMAO

It’s a skill to make some breathing room, though I need to tweak so it isn’t dumb op. it does stun 2 targets so... Might remove the damage on it altogether. Very likely.

CARVE

Also placeholder name

It’s a melee basic attack with bleed on it. I don’t really like it too much tbh. Kinda simple. Maybe I should make it work on position 3 as well and keep it as a safe skill for ppl who aren’t feeling like playing too bold. IDK... gotta think abt it.

CURSE OF THE EYLESS

This is the thing molly does as a reaction that gives ppl disadvantage on attacks by making their eyes bleed.

I think this one is great, just need some number tweaks and maybe change the debuffs.

You have a chance to make the target bleed, you have a chance to make yourself bleed.

It is actually an offenssive skill instead of a debuff and I think its fun.

DANCE WITH ME

Needs a little HMPF to it. You walk fowrdas and tag so you can buff the PURGE damage, so it’s supposed to synergize. But it also feels kinda... useless?? When it only marks. Also need to do something with it.

Now as for camping skills

FORTUNE TELLER

You read someone’s fortune! It can be a good fortune! Or a bad omen.

It’s a basic little stress heal skill. Might have to tweak numbers.

EMBROIRDERY WORK

Taking time to himself to work his concentration. A little self buff skill. Again, might need to tweak numbers but I think the concept might be okay.

EYE OF NINE

He remains awake and dreams of the nine.

Basically that freak thing Lucien does where he doesnt sleep. It stresses him but makes him more in touch with his powers. Also think its working okay as a concept.

SWORD WORSHIP

He prays over his swords.

Don’t know about the benefits this one gives, but I do want to have his nightly ritual as a camping skill. I was thinking of maybe changing EMBROIRDERY WORK into something else so this become his main buff camping skill but i’ll leave it as it is right now

I haven’t yet worked on his trinkets, I need ideas honestely. Only one I have a real concept for so far is the Four Leaf Clover as a trinket that buffs his death resist and virtue chance, he stands strong for Yasha {:’- (

Anyway that’s my concept so far. Any suggestions or tips or anything like that are apreciated!

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shinwhoohoo · 3 years

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hello lovely person, i come to your inbox seeking solace and the permission to rant about the eternally frustrating mess that is bana twitter. i'm so infuriated by delulu ot5 stans spamming a3 asking for reunion pics w j and b and demanding that they include those 2 in the official anniversary celebrations bc j&b ""deserve" it like??? where do they get their sense of entitlement from lmao i don't get it. and really, why should a3 bear the onus of asking them to join the celebrations when the other 2 have given no indication that they wish to do so in the first place like they literally left the group and no longer associate themselves with it (and no ig bios don't count people) what's not clicking?

it honestly makes me more pissed at the 2 who left (jy in particular) bc they refuse to make a clean break. wm also had a part to play in it ofc bc they didn't release an unequivocal statement about their departure from the group (altho they did say b1a4 will only be promoting as 3 going forward so idk how anyone misinterpret it) but what irks me is that jy never really acknowledged the fact that he left (at least baro wrote a nice letter thanking bana and a3). he keeps stringing his fans along by making empty promises about future reunions and!!!i hate that he won't change his ig bio or twitter header and whatever else it is that convinces people that "his heart lies w b1a4". i hate that he does all this but a3 still have to bear the brunt of the criticism from their fandom even tho they've been working their asses off to give us quality music (jinthoven who, producer cnu owns my heart now) and wholesome content (how precious was b1a4 arcade) to make up for their perceived sins against bana.

sorry this spiralled out of control, haven't used my tumblr in ages but i feel like migrating back bc bana twt is bad for my blood pressure. hope you have a nice day!

Two things real quick:

1. You always have permission to rant here to please do so whenever you feel like it~!! 😁 2. PLEASE COME BACK TO TUMBLR WE NEED YOU BACK IT’S SO MUCH NICER AS A BANA PLEASE 🙏

Ok now that that’s out of the way lol, wow 10/10, 💯, like god I really have nothing else to even add? Perfect rant, perfect points, all completely 100% factual points, that some people just don’t seem to like to address or acknowledge in their ‘OT5′ comments. But the thing is, all of this is true!!

What bothers me the most about the whole OT3/OT5 argument basically comes down to two points:

1. Those spewing OT5 Forever on their personal accounts is one thing. I’ve always said everyone is entitled to their own feelings about this, and I can respect we have our differences. However, going to A3′s accounts, to their VLive, and commenting and spamming posts about Baro and Jinyoung and ‘Oh, What does THIS MEAN that Jinyoung posted to the B1A4 VLIVE?? What DOES IT MEAN that Baro posted a pic holding a BANA CUP?!!? I MISS B1A4 AS FIVE’ and it’s like... let’s actually take a breath. Jinyoung’s incident was obviously a mistake, one that he hasn’t even addressed. Baro admittedly has liked a few B1A4 posts here and there, with this most recent insta upload the most ‘vocal’ he’s been regarding B1A4. But does it mean they are going to magically appear for the 10th anniversary? Not at all. There is absolutely no connection between these events. And to try and make such a connection is clearly going out of your way to try and create something that isn’t there because you want it to happen. Not because you are looking at the facts and the comments that the members who are actually, actively in B1A4 have made, but because you are overlooking what they have said, and what WM Ent has said, to fit your agenda. And to go and post these wishes and hopes on their official accounts, or even worse, Shindeulchan’s personal social media accounts, especially given how THEY expressed how they felt about the split, well damn. I think that’s cruel tbh. But yet we’re the nasty ones for not acknowledging bayoung...

2. ... which brings me to the other main point that irks me. Just because I am not currently an ‘OT5′ fanatic, again, given what we KNOW TO BE TRUE!!! (Basically most of which you’ve already listed-- WM’s statement of B1A4 continuing AS THREE, Sandeul and CNU’s comments and feelings they have made on guest show appearances, their fanmeet, the B1A4 Documentary+, etc., not to mention Baro’s statement, and even Jinyoung’s, which mentions about looking forward into the future if they should all come back again, in addition to the dead silence Jinyoung has been about bipo since then) but just because some of us aren’t ‘OT5′ given all that, DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE AGAINST BARO OR JINYOUNG!! like that pisses me off so much, this ‘divide’ that is being made... It’s like no, I just respect the feelings of the members who are actually here more so than wishing for something to happen that isn’t going to any time soon, like sorry that upsets you. And guess what, I still will always adore Baro and Jinyoung. I still wish the best for them. And if/when the time comes that they want to come back, and A3 accepts them back (because again, it’s up to THEM, not the ‘OT5′ fans!!) I will 100% be happy and grateful to see B1A4 as five. But until then, I will support Baro and Jinyoung in their solo efforts, and B1A4 as three, for all that they do and have done to make the transition from 5 to 3 easier for us.

lmao I love how I’m like ‘oh your ask was great I have nothing to say’ then go and write an essay. Well, I am nothing if not on brand with my word vomit.

Thanks for this anon, as you can tell it lit a fire under my ass lol. I don’t think I’ve been this vocal about it all in a while~

#i'm curious if there's anyone deep in the ot5 pool on here like i don't want to chase you away and if anything i'd be interested to hear if #there is actually any argument for there side #cause i just can't see it #b1a4 #jinyoung #baro #cnu #sandeul #gongchan #shindeulchan #ot5 #wm entertainment #text #ask #reply #but for real those 'b1a4 will always be 5 comments are the worst' it's like you do realize b1a4 is currently three so how can they always #be 5 and in saying so you are completely ignoring then everything cnu sd and gc have done and are doing to #push through their own sadness and feelings to come back for US #like god it's selfish

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aenslem · 4 years

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Challenge: From your creations, choose GIFs and do a split of before and after adding colouring!

tagged by @uuuhshiny . i have done these things before, here and here. but okay, i’ll do one more :D though, since i don’t gif recently i just found my old gif psds that i have not removed yet, and just resaved them, so sorry for the speed on the gifs, i did not really paid attention lmao the point is coloring anyway, right??

tagging @comicbookvillain @tennant @arthurpendragonns @rory-amy and whoever wants to do it :D

i love changing colors, i love when they are vibrant, i am also the kind of person who will turn everything into purple, but if the scene is purple i will try my best to make it look normal af and remove all the purple lmao idk why tho

changing colors is fun, like i did that on my pink Doctor Who gifset, and my golden Missy gifset

turning blue into pink or gold? im here for that :D but i rarely did it before, but i was challenged to do it, so i did :D and i think i did good.

if i see a kinda red hair, i will make it as vibrant as possible :D i also love when on gifs lips are red, idk why.

doctor who is a super hard to color, especially when you color doctor and the master, because i feel like show runners hate thoschei shippers considering all of doctor/master scenes are like this or worse

???

??????????

moffat what the heck??????

i mean, look at my doctor and master gifsets, i have a lot of them, those are all super edited because original scenes are the pain in the a$$ to color! they are either super dark blue or horrible yellow/red.

i have not used this gif in a set, wanted to but it was extra so have it :D maybe one day i will make a gifset with yellow/blue combo and use it :D and i do love those two color combinations, like there are other colors too, but i make those two colors stand out so it looks nice. like the gif with miranda otto above, that color combination is really pretty

also, i love making michelle gomez eyes really blue, or anyone’s lmao like if there are blue eyes consider me making them as vibrant as possible :D

not the best example, but it was not the best quality video and i did what i could. sometimes i make it with selective colors and hue and saturation, but sometimes i draw blue color over the gif. yeah, sometimes i love torturing myself and color each layer or a few layers and just move the layer where i need lmao

like previous insta videos of her i edited and made blue stand out, i did like that :/ but i would do more for that woman :D

my colorings are not super complicated, i usually upload those colorings i don’t use on my psd account @creationsofthedark so check it out, there are my first colorings i ever did, and the latest. you will not find channel mixer there tho, but it’s my fav tool now. i stopped updating the blog since... well, there was an incident where the person started doing what i asked to not to do, don’t copy me. i posted a gifsets with these colorings so why would you crop it the same way and color it with my coloring and post, the same scene??? after asking me sharpening settings also?? like, those were so similar i thought it is a repost tbh that’s why i stopped posting psds i use, and well, i use channel mixer mostly for correcting colors and it never works on 99% of the scenes, and i don’t wanna share coloring for one scene i already giffed, what is the point? so somebody could gif the same scene with the same coloring? nope. anyway, channel mixer as you see on previous creator tag games i did is really good when you need to correct colors, such as super red colors or yellow. unfortunately idk how to edit tHAT Doctor and Master scene from doctor falls, it’s the worst scene ever and i will not touch it again lmao, i tried I TRIED but... usual colorings which work fine on more than few scenes are uploaded on sideblog. and you may see there that i don’t do anything extraordinary, same settings almost everywhere, curves, levels if needed, selective colors and color balance are mostly used by me. and i always avoided using masks when i started giffing, but honestly that’s so good, don’t be scared to use them, they are really awesome when you need to correct part of the gif only. i also love using color fills, to change color of the background or a specific object, using blending modes, if the object does not move it is easy but sometimes it does not... like with the eyes, you have to draw over each layer or move the layer for each frame :D sometimes i use textures, but i usually blur them as on the first DW gif here. idk what else to say... :D

#tag game #i love coloring gifs #well i loved lmao

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theunsinkablesappho · 4 years

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Thoughts After Finishing AC: Valhalla

Under The Cut Out of Respect

Knowing now that Eivor is Odin really explains all those visions Eivor had where she disagreed with Odin after killing folk. It also makes me feel a lot better about my Eivor consistently disagreeing with him.

Holy fuck my feelings. All my friends *sobbing* All of Eivors little Saxon baby Kings.

The moment where Eivor rebukes “Odin” in Valhalla, stating that she needs “everything else” is just... MY CHEST HURTS.

Fuck Basim so hard but also like... God damnit Layla. But also like... if Odin was reborn once then in theory Odin and Tyr should have continued to be reborn? So there should still be an Odin out there somewhere? Also like... Eivor and Sigurd don’t remember who they were until it is pointed out to them so... how did Basim discover he is Loki?

I know that people hate the whole “alien” thing behind AC but tbh, I find it kind of fascinating. I’m more annoyed by the premise of the Animus, especially since clocking back in at the end as Basim instead of as Layla really felt like... a violation? I was pretty uncomfy with that. I plan to resolve it in fanfiction (by literally ignoring the existence of the Animus :D )

So Eivor is Odin. Sigurd is Tyr. Basim is Loki. Aletheia is Angrboda. Is Svala actually Frejya? Or is that just how she envisions herself in Valhalla? (Okay I wiki’d this and apparently yes, Svala is confirmed to be Freyja. Interesting that only her physical appearance changes in Valhalla.) So if Svala is Freyja, and the games seem to be ignoring the existence of Frigga/Frigg, I wonder if Randvi is an Isu at all. The wiki says that all 8 of the Norse Isu Gods uploaded themselves to be redistributed, so it is possible. (Nvm, the Wiki acknowledges Frigg as one of the Aesirian Gods, which makes me wonder why Freyja is then Queen of the Aesir. Since in most Norse myths that acknowledge Frigg - there is some dispute that Frigg and Freyja may be the same Goddess - she is usually listed as Odin’s Queen. Anyway, I suppose this means Randvi could be Frigg?) If I am remembering correctly, the Norse Gods we are introduced to or who are referenced in the game so far consist of: Odin/Havi, Freyja, Tyr, Thor, Baldr (deceased), Loki, Angrboda (jotun, but confirmed Isu), Njord, Skadi, Heimdall, and Idunn/Idunna. The game also acknowledges other non-deity Isu immortals like Fenrir, Jormungandr, and presumably, Hel/Hela, as the children of Loki. (No mention of Sleipnir and The Builder didn’t have a horse this go round so...Ubisoft didn’t want to figure out how to animate an 8 legged horse, let’s be honest). I suppose Randvi could be Frigg/Frigga, Idunn/Idunna, or potentially unnamed as Jörd/Fjörgyn/Hlódyn, lover of Odin and mother of Thor. It is unlikely she would be Skadi, since Skadi was Njord’s wife and it wouldn’t make a ton of sense to then connect her to Odin.

Of course, Randvi might just be a normal Norsewoman as well, but that idea is much much less fun than the idea of them finding each other over and over again across time.

Also like given that we now know that it was Isu manipulating some of the earliest members of what would become the Assassins, and that they were doing it for their own means... Is the Assassin Order the bad guys now? Like, are they still supposed to be the heroes? I am extremely confused (I have only played Odyssey and Valhalla, and no, I won’t be going back and playing the older games, you can’t make me). Is this somehow going to get twisted around that Loki is a hero figure? Cause tbh, his motivations - while somewhat understandable - still appear to be very selfish in nature. Is the legend of Ragnarok still true? Is the world going to end if he frees Fenrir? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

Where is Eivor’s story going to go from here in DLC? Because tbh, there’s not a lot of *positive* material to be hand in that Aelfred storyline. I mean... Aelfred the Great won - he drove the Danes/Norsemen from England and unified England. So unless they are going to rewrite that history in a massive way, which doesn’t seem to super suit the series from my understanding, all that lies in that direction is a whole lot more of the devastation we saw in Hamtunscire. And I’m just going to say this right: I waited THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME to get my hands on that Randvi romance. So... so help me god if all the DLC content is meant to be within current plot confines. I swear to fucking God I will SCREAM bloody murder. I need post-plot content that INCLUDES more romance development for Randvi and Eivor. I love myself some slow burn angst, but fuck off for real.

Speaking of Randvi and Eivor... they seem to fuck in the Map Room like... a LOT... and Sigurd and Randvi’s old bedroom is like... right there. There isn’t even a damn door. (There also isn’t a door to the rest of the longhouse so like... at LEAST one villager is gonna get an eyeful.) So my question then becomes... how do the logistics of the game work out. The game itself does not acknowledge this but I am left with many questions. Just because Sigurd is cool with me smashing his ex-wife doesn’t mean he’s cool with being IN THE NEXT ROOM while I do it.

For me, the most practical solution is to move all of Eivor’s stuff into the Jarl’s bedroom and move the other stuff into Eivor’s old room and let Sigurd stay there. I say move their stuff because idk, if I was gonna get with my brother’s ex-wife I would be really opposed to doing it in THEIR OLD BED. Just move Eivor’s bed in. And Sigurd can take the old bed into Eivor’s alcove, unless he moves out of the longhouse altogether (which seems unlikely because it would appear he is still Jarl? That begs another question: Is Jarlskona supposed to be a female version of Jarl or is it like “The Jarl is gone so this person is taking over in their stead” and if it is the latter then... hasn’t Eivor basically been Jarlskona the whole fucking time? Google isn’t helping me here, jarlskona appears to be a word invented for the game. Best I can find, a woman Jarl would... still just be a Jarl.)

#My thoughts are all over the place in this #but I would LOVE to talk about them with people #None of my close friends have played or finished the game yet #I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE #Randivor #Eivor #Lady Eivor #FemEivor #Female Eivor #Eivi #Eivor x Randvi #Randvi #Assassin's Creed #Assassin's Creed: Valhalla #AC: Valhalla

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ah-artcrew · 4 years

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AHAC GaBB Artist Feature

Kingpattillo

erlande! you can also call me jack! 20/nonbinary demigirl/new york! in high school, i once won 6th place in a spelling competition w/ over 30 people. i don't live an interesting life, haha!

What's your favourite medium to work with?

i can do traditional and digital, but i prefer digital art, hands down. god bless clip studio paint's vector lines, tbh

What's your art/making process?

1. sketch, drawing an idea when i get heavily inspired by something, like an AH video 2. 2nd, 3rd etc. sketches, building on that foundation until i'm satisfied. 3 (optional). cry 4. lines, usually the color black or dark brown 5. colors, my favorite part! sometimes, i add shading and lighting, but only when i feel like it'd work well, you know? 6. upload to socials, and hope for the best! :)

For the rest of your life, would you rather be blown back 10ft/3m every time you sneeze or have baby owls for fingers ?

i'd rather be blown back because, well, how would i use my fingers in everyday life if they were owls? also, do the owls need to be fed? will they eventually grow up? will they outlive me? lmfao

How would you describe your artstyle?

y'all know sanrio? y'all know g4 mlp? mash those two together. cute, pudgy and vibrant!

MAP Question - What was your inspiration for your AMV section? Why did you choose to do what you did?

looking at what was allowed in the amv, i was like "aye, why not include matt and alfredo? they weren't in the original video, and i want to include them bc i like them." and then i did :) i could have submitted still images, but i wanted to try animation again, and i'm really glad i did.

Who's your favourite Achievement Hunter and why?

dude, my username on most socials is "kingpattillo". take a wild guess lol. all jokes aside, jack is my favorite bc he's nice, funny, and down-to-earth. i really like his vibes. that's the reason i like michael as well, the original favorite. over time, i started to appreciate jack a lot more, and well, here we are!

What's your favourite AH video or series?

series: probably the king series (where's king jack? lmao) or the gta v heist series! i also enjoy the halo laso series!

What do you do when you're not watching AH?

i'm just a college student, dude. idk what i'm majoring it yet, but i hope it's computer related, maybe computer science? :0 in my free time, besides watching youtube, i make gifs! so many gifs, dude. i thinks it's the other thing i'm known for, besides art.

Where can we find you?

my main social is tumblr @kingpattillo, but for everything else? kingpattillo.tumblr.com/about

Favorite AH work:

https://kingpattillo.tumblr.com/post/612487414114598913/better-late-than-never-heres-the-design-i-made

Favorite Non-AH work:

https://kingpattillo.tumblr.com/post/186871754645

Artist/Friend Shoutout:

https://anthemono.tumblr.com/post/170868609067/ryan-and-jack-watching-dragons-hatch-together-last

#ahac #ah community #AHAC projects #GaBBAMV

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angelic-holland · 5 years

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Alice’s 4k Fic Rec List

Wow! I wanted to thank each and every one of my followers for putting up with me! As a little thank you I wanted to put together this fic rec list of some of my favorite fics. Feel free to send in your own fics and I’ll read as many as I can in my spare time. This is by no means a comprehensive list of fic recs but some of my absolute favorites! My little feedback paragraphs include some spoilers so feel free to skip over them when checking out the fics!

Peter Parker x Reader

Three Words by @screamholland

Yeah this tore me to pieces! I remember reading it and crying and being like “why must angst hurt me this way” and now I’m addicted to writing angst. The way he looked at you made you feel like a masterpiece displayed in a museum. Yeah! Need Peter Parker to look at me like that. The innocence and beauty of someone’s first love is precious, so fucking precious.

Band Ten Heart by @robbinholland

This fic is just SO cute. Peter being a fumbling dork is what I live for. The reader describing the cliches of band kid dating tropes hysterical! “Peter Parker, I’m really glad you didn’t quit.” Oh my GOD I squealed when I read that. Clarinet players have talented tongues??? I fucking lost it. Total cute feel good story even though I have no idea how band works, it’s still fucking adorable.

Quantum Heartbreak by @farfromhaz

The title is very very accurate. This fic tore my soul to pieces as I read it. Peter realizing he was gone for three years instead of hours, Peter realizing he has a daughter, the reader having to raise her alone for the first few years, wow that HURTED. But!!! The reader telling Peter she’s pregnant and Peter being so excited about raising his second kid. So bittersweet, absolutely amazing.

When Peter’s Not Such a Good Boy by @marvelouspeterparker

Oh my god! I have never wanted to dom someone so much. Like the idea of teasing peter is sending me to an astral plane of existence. There are no words to describe how super hot this is. I read this at least once a week. No fucking joke.

Tom Holland x Reader

We’re Only Kidding Ourselves by @wazzupmrstark

Wow I’ve been reading this series for a LONG time and I’m so in awe of it. It’s so precious, seeing the reader and Tom fall in love. I’m a sucker for enemies to lovers/being forced to work with someone who is a pain in the ass and then finding out they’re secretly a softie. Tom and the reader having those little room service dates? God I lived for it. When they went to the pool at the roof of the hotel oof I lost my MIND. This series is god tier and if you only read one Tom series in your life let it be this one.

Win-Win by @hillsnholland

Making Tom jealous? Oh god I would thrive in that environment. I want that so bad it’s ridiculous. The jealous sex that ensues, hot as fuck! Spanking??? Toms hands were absolutely made for that, there is not enough time to discuss how nice his hands are. Him calling you princess and making you beg for it? Yeah sign me the fuck up! Is there a wait list? I will wait all day.

Instagram Live by @xoluvx

Tom!!!! Is a grandpa when it comes to technology. This is totally something that idiot would do. Harrison and Zendaya being the cheeky little shits that they are! Hysterical. Plus the smut is hot as fuck. Like i don’t care if the whole world can hear me I just want Tom to dick me down

Kiss Currency by @madmadmilk

Wow wow wow. First off, Jacky always writes something so incredibly special, like her ability to write inner monologues/thoughts that feel so real and raw? Amazing. I was on the edge of my seat every second while reading this fic. i see “ah clueless idiots in love” and I’m like my kind of story. “I don’t want to see you kissing other people, Babe” duh!!! Reader!!! Ma’am! He likes you!!! anyways this was really cute story and I loved every single little detail from the themed parties to the awkwardness of trying to get a read of a person before admitting to them how you feel. It’s beautiful.

You Again by @strangertingle

Oof this series has me fucking anxious! Every time I get the notif that it’s updated I’m like “eek!” I love the idea that Tom went to California to see about transferring to be with the reader and then through a series of unfortunate events, that didn’t happen. And now here they are! And the reader is like woah maybe I do love Tom imma tell him then BAM! Just kidding! He’s getting married and his fiancée is a schemer! This was the cutest series ever ahhhh

Weekend Getaway by @naturallytom / @hauntedtom

Oof when Ally asked someone to read it I jumped at the chance because I’ve always loved her work. Anyways I adore spooky stuff. I was so fucking terrified the entire time and I loved the fluff to tension to absolute terror to relief Ally built in this story. Just downright amazing.

Up To Your Mouth by @gyllenwh0re

Wow Alex just knows how to hit every single kink that she could possibly think of in this fic. My jaw was dropped the entire time reading it. Honestly she writes the best most filthy smut on this goddamn website and I always feel so blessed when she posts things because they fuel my wellbeing

Camera Work by @screamsbytom

Shit I’ve never wanted to make a sex tape so bad. Also Tom being a dumbass and uploading it to the cloud where everyone can see it? Peak chaotic dumbass Tom and it’s 100% something he would do. Tom wanting you hear you moan for him and beg him? Yeah sir I will gladly do just that

You Up? By @thirsttrapholland

Christ! Fuckboy!tom gets me every time. When he goes and just helps himself to beer I’m like !!! I wanna suck his dick !!! Idk why but Tom being a little asshole but a total softie at heart is such a turn on. Anyways!!!! Lying about missing him even when you really really did? To protect your feelings? Felt that! Nobody likes getting their feelings hurt!

I Only Feel You by @stuckonspidey

Whew! This fic was absolutely beautifully amazing and devastating. It was so well written, I adore soulmate AUs and this was something else in the best way possible. Like the way the reader was hesitant to join the Holland mob at first, then slowly became okay with it. The push and pull of knowing Tom is her soulmate but being like “I don’t want to put myself in danger” and then deciding she’d ultimately do anything for the person she has grown to love. Wowza! I cant get enough of this fic I try to reread it often.

Goodnight n go by @honeymoonparker

Eek! Looking at the stars with Tom? Biggest goal in life for me tbh. I love the sky and the stars and kissing him underneath the stars? Sign me up for that good shit! Both of them being like aha yeah we’re totally friends aha unless? 👀 too funny I love clueless idiots who have a thing for each other. It’s great. It’s cute, sweet adorable heartwarming I legit read it and go “awwww” every single time.

It’s Official by @dahliaspidey

Fake dating with Tom? Yes! Clueless idiots in love again? Sign me up! When he gave the reader that bouquet of flowers? Yeah gimme that type of love my dude! Him fumbling over telling the reader how beautiful she is? We love slightly anxious Tom that loves someone but can’t put it in words quickly enough.

Polo and Prosecco by @keepingupwiththeparkers

Omg this was fucking great. I too do not understand polo but would freely participate for the booze. “You are not getting come on this dress” I YELLED. Because yeah I feel like that would be a bitch to get out??? Also sitting on Tom’s knee/lap yeah sign me up. Katie always writes Tom as such a passionate lover and I feel it in my very soul.

Lingerie by @mcuspidey

Okay so when is Tom going to buy me expensive lingerie so I can show him??? But seriously lmfao this was so precious and Tom just praising his gal? Yeah sign me UP.

“tattooing all of his favorite curves- that even the lingerie didn’t show off quite as well as his own memory did- with the love that you deserved.” Yeah yeah yeah please I’m here for that I deserve that. Anyways fluffy hot hot stuff

Harrison Osterfield x reader

Side Effect by @darlingosterfield

I generally don’t read fics with Harrison as the main, like ever. But this series has me hooked! Absolutely hooked! The dynamic between the two of them, the way the reader just really wants to do the god damn assignment but Harrison is a little shit! But he’s also lowkey a big softie. Anyways it’s so beautifully written and I can’t wait to read the rest of it

#fic rec #fic rec list #tom holland #peter parker

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alwaysupatnight · 4 years

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Okay, doing @yossariandawn‘s questions because they were so good I didn’t wanna miss out. :P

1. Set two fictional couples you love on a double date, and tell me how would that play out? One word answers are acceptable if you prefer. Hmm... Well, I always wanted to do a crossover fic of fdtd and twd because I shipped both sethkate and bethyl. I could totally see Kate and Beth being best buds right away because they’re so similar and are pretty close in age. I wasn’t ever sure Seth and Daryl would get along too well because Daryl is a little standoffish with people he doesn’t know. :P Seth would not be having any fun and would probably make an idiot of himself, but what else is new. The double date might devolve into a fistfight between the two lbr. XD

2. Do you like candles? If so, what’s your favorite candle scent? I had this mocha coffee scented candle with coffee beans glued to the bottom half that I LOVE. I don’t remember where I bought it but I’ve been wanting to get more like it for almost 2 decades. lol I’ve never burned it. I also had this mango pineapple scented candle I got from bath and body works that I LOVED. It smelled so good!! But I don’t typically burn my candles. If I buy any, they pretty much just decorate my bookshelves. :P

3. What’s the perfect fic you’ve been craving that wish someone else would write already? I wish someone could see inside my brain and write the Fireman Seth au of my dreams. lol I just don’t know what to do with it myself tbh. Alternatively, my culebra seth fic. XD I’m just terrified I’m gonna screw it up by trying to give it a plot and it’s already getting out of hand as it is. lmfao but I promise I am trying!!

4. If you could have an 15 minute conversation with any fictional character, who would you choose? I would pick Beth Greene.

5. Above question continued, what would you talk about? I would demand to know WHERE HER BODY IS. And then I would discuss with her why she’s not actually dead.

6. What’s one weird thing you loved as a child? I was OBSESSED with the movie Con Air (starring Nicolas Cage). XD idk why?? I think it was because I really loved that final scene where he reunites with his wife and gets to meet his kid for the first time while Trisha Yearwood’s version of “How Do I Live” plays in the background. lol

7. Any songs that make you always think of a character? I honestly have wayyyy too many!! :P

Cinnamon Girl & Get Free // Lana Del Rey makes me think of Kate Fuller... those are just her songs okay!?!

Hey Brother // Avicii always makes me think of the Greene sisters from twd because of this gifset [here]

Echo // Jason Walker never fails to make me think of Bethyl because of this fan vid [here]

Never Give Up // Sia & All My Tears // Emmylou Harris always remind me of Beth Greene because of these gifsets *I* made lol [here] & [here]

And of course Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby // Cigarettes After Sex always makes me think of Seth Gecko/sethkate!! My fave gifset of mine y’all!! [here]

8. How well can you swim, and do you enjoy swimming? I was never gonna make the swim team but I wasn’t too terrible at it. lol Now I just float mostly. :P

9. Recommend me a new show, movie, or song! Narcos!! I’m definitely dragging you into the Pedro fan club!! :P Come fangirl over Javi with me!! lol Alternatively Cobra Kai (now on Netflix)!! It’s so good!! idk if you’ve seen it?? I can’t wait for s3!! Unfortunately it won’t be coming out until NEXT YEAR. dying about it. Or if you’ve seen that or are uninterested, I definitely recommend Upload on Amazon Prime!! Such an amazing show!!

10. What’s your favorite food that you make? I’ve been making a lot of chili and cornbread this year lol It’s pretty much the only thing I can cook decently but it’s pretty amazing ngl. I’m a better baker tbh and I loooove chocolate chip banana bread with walnuts!! I’ve perfected my recipe and it’s one of my fave things to make now!!

11. Draft the perfect Zombie Apocalypse Survival Team, 5 characters from any show or movie. I can only pick FIVE?! Ugh okay. lol

Leon Kennedy: Are video game characters acceptable?? lol Well, he’s in a few movies too. :P Leon is my zombie apocalypse bf okay. Plus he’s an agent and has experienced this shit multiple times lol

Beth Greene: HAVE YOU SEEN HOW THIS GIRL MAKES HEADSHOTS?! ACTUAL ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE PRINCESS!!

Daryl Dixon: Because he is the ultimate zombie fighter

Kate Fuller: the girl is FEARLESS. I mean, she wields crossbows and chainsaws against Mexican Dracula. Get her some body armor and she’d be unstoppable.

Karen Page: I read a zombie au Kastle fanfic a while back where she became the leader of a community. Every army needs a leader, right? Plus, she’s pretty badass with a gun!!

Not adding questions or tagging anyone cause this was just for fun. :P

#tagged

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t0ngue-tech · 5 years

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All Yours | Seven

“’Was I not enough for you…?’

Seolhyun parted her lips but hesitated to say anything. She also dropped her head, possibly trying to get everything in her mind organized.

‘Yoongi, I’m so sorry.’ She said sadly.”

↠fluff, angst, universityAU↞

word count: 4.5k

↠series: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ↞

A/N: yall idk what’s gotten into me. i literally just uploaded a story and here i am with the update of all yours lmao. tbh ive also been working on this chapter for a while so tyj i finished it huhu. enjoy ^-^

“Come on, Yoongi. Just text her.” You stood in front of your mirror and adjusted your hoodie.

From the moment you woke up, had a cup of coffee, took a shower, and changed into an outfit, Yoongi spent the entire time debating if he really wanted to text Seolhyun. You agreed to go with him to see her because it was his stipulation, but he was the one hesitating.

“You know what, maybe I don’t need closure. It’s all good.” Yoongi placed his phone on your nightstand and laid back down.

“Ugh. Yoongs.” You grumbled and strode over to sit beside him. “Sure you may not need closure, but I know deep down you want to talk about your feelings. You don’t deserve to be cheated on—nobody does. Please text her.”

Yoongi glared at you for a few seconds before he softened his eyes. He mumbled something along the lines of I hate it when you’re right and reached for his phone but took a detour to grab your hand first.

“So, you promise you’re going to come with me? You’re not going to flake out?” He kept his eyes on your fingers as you lazily grazed the back of his hand.

Could he get any more adorable?

“I promise.” You replied earnestly. “But I start work at three today, so keep that in mind.”

Yoongi squeezed your hand and locked eyes with you. Never in your life did you ever picture yourself to be in this position. He held your hands before, mainly to guide you around places when you were extremely drunk but nothing like this. Yoongi had a sweet look in his eye with a smile to match and you were so sure you were dreaming. Yoongi was perfect. Why would Seolhyun want to cheat on him in the first place?

“Okay. Now, go to class.” Yoongi lifted your hand and kissed it. Your cheeks flared a bit and you probably failed to hide the disappointment in him not kissing you on your lips instead.

“Fine. But go outside and take a walk,” you gave him your dorm key. “You need some sunlight.”

After listening to Yoongi’s bullshit excuse about how sunlight was never necessary for him in the first place, you left his side to slip on your sneakers.

Why can’t time just fast forward to later? I just want Yoongi and Seolhyun to meet already so it can all be over with and done. How am I supposed to even focus in class?!

“Wait.”

Yoongi’s voice broke your thoughts and you stood up from your floor. He scooped you by your waist to press your body against his before stealing a long kiss on your lips. You felt your entire body relax and you clutched onto his nape to support yourself.

“You may have more knowledge about people’s behaviors and shit, but I know you well enough that you were waiting for that, right?” Yoongi said with a smirk after breaking the kiss. Your face bloomed crimson and you playfully shoved him a few inches away from you.

“Bye, Yoongi.” You walked away from him with bliss coursing through you and just before you stepped out of your dorm, you caught the satisfied grin on Yoongi’s face.

↠↞

I will die in this developmental psychology class, I swear.

Time in your psychology class always ticked on like you had nothing else planned for the day. You jotted down chicken scratch notes, promising yourself to fix them up when you had time later; thank goodness your professor put up the lecture slides at 7pm on the same day of class. You began to mindlessly doodle at the bottom of your paper.

So many things could go wrong later.

Three stick figures were drawn at the bottom; one with a crude drawing of a beanie, one with hair just below its “shoulders”, and one with long hair blacked out with your pen. You drew scribbles of symbols around the drawing of the figure with long hair indicating how pissed off Seolhyun would be if she saw you two together.

Ugh. I can hear her voice now.

“Why did you bring her?”

“Unless you were cheating on me first!”

You scribbled all over the drawing and turned over the page.

The same stick figures were drawn at the top this time and instead of symbols, you drew tears coming from the figure with long hair and hearts around the beanie figure; Seolhyun would be in tears, apologizing and begging Yoongi for forgiveness and he would play right into her and fall in love all over again.

This time, you fiercely scribbled over the drawing.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Like clockwork, you drew the stick figures. Hearts were drawn around the beanie and medium haired figures while the last one had a giant X covering its face; Seolhyun is completely cut out of the picture and forced to watch how lovey-dovey you and Yoongi were.

This drawing caused your face to heat up a little. There was no way Yoongi would show any affection towards you in front of her because he wasn’t the type to purposely make matters worse.

One last time the figures were drawn back onto your paper and this time, you drew speech bubbles with squiggly lines inside that ended with periods and a few exclamation points. The most likely scenario would be a calm conversation with a few outbursts between Yoongi and Seolhyun. The last thing anyone would want is making a huge scene in front of everyone—

Wait, I don’t even know where they’re meeting!

[10:32] You: hey, where are you two going to have this conversation anyway??????????

Yoongi’s reply came through like lightning.

[10:33] Yoongz: You know the benches outside of the library?

[10:33] Yoongz: There.

Great. We’re going to be in public…

His texts didn’t stop there.

[10:35] Yoongz: I told her to meet me at 11:15 so that you have time to be here before she comes.

[10:35] Yoongz: I’ll be wearing the light brown coat you gave me for my birthday and the blue beanie you hate so much

[10:36] Yoongz: You’ll be able to find me pretty easily.

That damn beanie.

The mental image of Yoongi in the blue beanie made you snicker, but you quickly cleared your throat realizing you were in class laughing to yourself like an idiot.

[10:40] You: okay. i’ll see you then

[10:40] You: fuk that beanie doe omfg.

↠↞

“So you’re seriously going to be there? With Yoongi and Seolhyun? Possibly arguing in front of you? Right in front of your salad?!”

Walking to the library, you gave Hani a quick call to update her with everything that had happened since you told her about Seolhyun cheating on Yoongi.

“Yes, right in front of my salad.” You laughed. “To be honest, I’m kind of scared. Like why did Yoongi have to say he kissed me! Actually… I don’t know what would be worse, her knowing the truth or his lie.”

“Either way she’s going to raise hell, but if you need me, you call and I’ll come running!”

You smiled softly. Hani was serious in the most endearing way possible.

“I know—” Yoongi’s blue beanie stood out at a table underneath one of the large trees. “Yoongi’s there. I’ll call you later Hani or better yet, I work at three so you can come to the coffee shop anytime after that and I’ll update you on what happens.”

“Okay. Be safe. I love you!”

“I love you, too.”

You took a deep breath and approached Yoongi who had two cups of coffee and two sandwiches sitting in front of him. As much as you hated that damn beanie, he still looked as handsome as ever.

“Hi, Yoongs.” You smiled.

Yoongi instantly smiled at the sight of you. “Hey—no, sit by me.” He reached for your hand to stop you from sitting across from him and tugged you over to sit beside him instead.

The action startled you and almost made you lose your footing, but Yoongi supported you by the waist to let you sit down without injury.

“Th-Thanks.” You stuttered.

“Oh, here you go by the way.” He handed you a paper gift bag that he probably stole from your closet. “You left your work shirt and shoes. There’s also a water bottle in here because you need actual hydration and not just coffee swimming throughout your bloodstream.”

Everything he mentioned was sitting neatly inside the bag and your smile was impossible to hide. You’ve been nervous and jittery about meeting with Seolhyun that you completely forgot about your work clothes. Yoongi was a life saver.

“Thank you, Yoongi.” You breathed.

“Of course. Now eat, you didn’t even have breakfast this morning.”

As you had brunch, you spent the time complaining to Yoongi about how developmental psychology makes you want to jab multiple pens in your eyes. He argued that you say that about every class you have and even flicked your forehead.

“You’re doing great though, so keep on keepin’ on.” Yoongi rubbed the spot he flicked with the pad of his thumb.

You felt the weight of your school work elevate at the touch of his finger. Yoongi had the power to relieve any stress that you had in the palm of his hand and it amazed you. Maybe this was just the effect of you being whipped for him for almost a year. It sounded pathetic, but you enjoyed it nonetheless.

“A-hem.”

Both you and Yoongi tore your eyes away from each other to find Seolhyun standing at the opposite side of the table with her arms folded across her chest. Her eyebrows were furrowed and daggers shot from her eyes right into your own. The aura that came off of her was no less than intimidating and you felt as if your soul left your body.

Fuck.

↠↞

“What is she doing here?!” Seolhyun barked as she took a seat.

“I asked her to come so just leave her be.” Yoongi spat.

You silently observed Seolhyun’s outfit; she wore a casual black dress that stopped above mid-thigh and had a deep v-neck line. A cream cardigan hugged her frame and she even made time to put on makeup and curl your hair. If your suspicions were correct, she dressed that way on purpose to use her looks to win back Yoongi somehow. Seolhyun was honestly gorgeous which made you nervous. What if it reeled him back in?

She cleared her throat again and avoided eye contact with Yoongi. “Thank you for meeting with me.” Her voice grew softer and softer towards the end of her sentence and she fiddled with the ends of her hair. This gave off a vulnerable look, almost “cute”.

“Okay.” Yoongi said sharply.

The tension in the air was suffocating and all you wanted to do was run away, but Yoongi kept his hand on your knee underneath the table to keep you at bay.

“So? Anything else you need to say?” Yoongi kept the same tone of voice, annoyed. He truly didn’t want to be here.

“Sigh. I’m sorry okay? God, can we just talk without you being mad at me?!” Seolhyun raised her voice a bit.

“Of course I’m mad! How the hell am I supposed to be feeling? You cheated on me!” Yoongi raised his voice as well and you were even more nervous. You three were sitting in public with students walking by and you were praying to God that everyone was just minding their own business.

“Y-You cheated on me too! You—!” She pointed at him. “—kissed her!” Her finger was now on you.

Yoongi furrowed his brows and squeezed your knee. “Alright, fine. I kissed her once and like I said, I knew I had to tell you because I was feeling so fucking guilty about what I did. You were my girlfriend, Seolhyun! I had to be honest with you.”

Seolhyun tightly pursed her lips together, probably stopping herself from saying anything else.

“How…” Yoongi breathed. “How long have you been…”

Your eyes softened at the sight of Yoongi faltering. He didn’t want to say it. You reached beneath the table to hold that had that was on top of your knee. Instantly, you watched his shoulders relax.

“Um…” Seolhyun chewed on her bottom lip and picked at the skin around her nails. “Just-Just once..”

Bullshit.

“Don’t you think Yoongi deserves a lot more honesty that?” You boldly questioned. Talking was never part of your agenda, but it’s true, he deserved to know the truth after tearing himself apart from agonizing over his self-worth.

“Excuse me?” Seolhyun stared you down and you couldn’t back down no matter how much you wanted to.

“I–I don’t think you’re telling him the truth.” You tried to sound confident, but your stutter gave it away.

Seolhyun scoffed and crossed her arms. “Who do you think you—”

“She’s right. I don’t think you’re telling me the truth either.” Yoongi interjected. “For Seung Ho to talk to y/n about our situation kind of shows how close you two really are.”

“My thoughts exactly.” You said softly.

Seolhyun aggressively scratched the back of her head. “Ugh. Two months!” She blurted out. “Two-fucking-months! There’s the truth! Happy now?”

Your eyes widened then turned to Yoongi who was looking in Seolhyun’s direction with an empty expression. After remaining quiet for about a minute, a low chuckle pushed past his lips.

“Is that why we’ve been fighting so much lately?” There were hints of both sadness and anger in his tone. “This was why you’ve been so short with me? You would cut our dates short—it was because you would rendezvous with Seung Ho?”

“Y-Yoongi.” You whispered and gently rubbed the back of his hand, trying to calm him down.

“Do you know what the fuck I’ve been going through because of this?! I continuously questioned what I was doing wrong—was I not making you happy anymore? Did I do something to piss you off? Was I not buying you enough flowers on the weekends? Altering my class schedule to match yours wasn’t enough? Skipping class to spend time with you? I talked my friends’ ears off trying to figure out why I didn’t seem important in your eyes anymore…” Yoongi kept his head down and squeezed your hand to the point where his nails could draw blood from your skin. “Was I not enough for you…?”

Seolhyun parted her lips but hesitated to say anything. She also dropped her head, possibly trying to get everything in her mind organized.

“Yoongi, I’m so sorry.” She said sadly.

For the first time in a while, she sounded genuine.

“You were enough for me, but I—I guess… I guess I was being selfish and I wanted more.” Seolhyun lifted her eyes in search of Yoongi’s but he still kept his head down.

“You could’ve told me.” Yoongi choked out. “You could’ve talked to me about how you were feeling and maybe—maybe things could’ve worked out.”

It was your turn to lower your head. This was truly an issue between Yoongi and Seolhyun. There was no reason for you to inject yourself into the conversation anymore.

“Is there any way we could work past this?” Seolhyun asked.

Yoongi finally met her eyes. “No. No way in hell.”

He fumbled with your hand to let go and reached into his pocket to pull out his keyring and wallet. He detached Seolhyun’s dorm key and pulled out a polaroid photo of her from inside his wallet. “Here. I don’t need these anymore.”

Yoongi reached back underneath the table in search of your hand and you stealthy met him halfway.

“Please. Just go, Seolhyun. We’re done here.” Yoongi said firmly.

Seolhyun sat there for a couple seconds and then reached forward to retrieve her belongings. As she stood up from the table, she kept her eyes on Yoongi hoping he would say something else, but he remained silent. Shortly after, Seolhyun took her leave without Yoongi sparing her a single glance.

↠↞

Even with the hustle and bustle of students walking all over campus, the world had never been so quiet. Yoongi had his head down, face buried in the crook of his elbow while still holding onto your hand. You weren’t sure when was the best time to speak, so you kept quiet waiting for him to break the silence first.

It almost physically hurt staring at Yoongi. He had been bottling up so many painful emotions to the point where it almost consumed him. He didn’t deserve to go through this.

“Y/n?” Yoongi finally spoke, but the rest of his sentence was muffled behind his coat sleeve.

“I-I’m sorry, Yoongi. I can’t really hear you.”

“Thank you for coming with me.” He turned his head and made heavy eye contact with you. “Saying all those things… I don’t think I would've been able to do it on my own, but you being here gave me strength to do so.”

His words caused a noticeable blush to form on your cheeks. He chuckled and sat up straight to tuck a few of your hairs behind your ears.

“I think you have enough time left to get to your next class from here. I’ll walk you.” Yoongi lifted you up by your arm and you almost didn’t want to go to class. All you wanted was to sit around and hold his hand all day. The thought of that made you blush even more and this made Yoongi laugh a little harder. “What’s the matter with you? Come on.”

Unfortunately, Yoongi didn’t hold your hand when he walked you to class. This was probably because it felt too soon to do so in public. It’s not like he and Seolhyun were the campus couple, but people might get the wrong idea if they knew they were dating.

After the whole thing with Yoongi and Seolhyun, it made it even harder for you to concentrate. Now that they were broken up, who knows if Yoongi still had anymore underlying feelings for her. They were together for a year, so there had to be some leftover right? Plus, Yoongi made a comment the other night about how he thought about why you kissed him and that he “figured it out.” This meant a whole new conversation, a whole new reason to be nervous.

Fucking great.

This was a conversation you weren’t looking forward to. You needed to prepare yourself somehow, but it seemed like no matter how much you could mentally prepare yourself, you still wouldn’t be ready. After knowing Yoongi for roughly a little over two years and falling for him like an idiot, never in your life did you imagine him finding out about how you felt about him.

You would be lying to yourself if you said you weren’t even a little happy. You kissed Yoongi, held his hand, and even shared a bed with him with your feelings unknowingly exposed in the air. It made you giddy; butterflies roaming around in your stomach, fighting the urge to smile whenever you thought about him. If only the circumstances were different, life would’ve been near perfect for you.

Class dragged on, notes were written down, doodles were drawn, and next thing you knew, you were tying your work apron around your waist.

“Where’s Yoongi? He didn’t walk you here?” Seokjin asked.

“Nah. His energy gauge was pretty much empty by the time he was done talking with Seolhyun so he decided to just nap for a few hours.”

“Okay, so, what’s the tea?” Seokjin stood near you, eagerly waiting for you to tell him all the juicy details.

You playfully shoved him away and walked over to the espresso machine. “I’m not saying anything until Hani gets here.”

“Aw, come on, y/n. She won’t be here till like five or something!”

You chuckled to yourself and continued to ignore all of Seokjin’s pleads for information.

The moment Hani walked through the coffee shop doors, the first words she shouted was “okay bitch, bring forth the tea!”—this was said with a shop full of students. You were immediately put on the spot, but Hani’s intentions meant well.

You made sure to include all details of the confrontation when you told Seokjin and Hani about it. You also made sure to keep your voice low because you weren’t sure who knew Seolhyun, Yoongi, or even Seung Ho. This wasn’t your story to tell, but both Hani and Seokjin were there from the beginning so it seemed fitting for them to know it all too.

Evening came just as quickly as your shift started. Hani didn’t mean to stay so late, but she got pretty invested in the situation between Seolhyun and Yoongi. Both you and Seokjin did his best to keep all of Hani’s reactions at bay, but you had to admit, it was entertaining. At least she was nice enough to help the coffee shop employees close up.

“Wouldn’t your knight in shining armor show up by now?” Hani joked.

“You need to relax—oh, bye!” You chuckled and threatened her with a broomstick and waved two of your co-workers who were heading out.

“It’s true, y/n. He’s supposed to waltz in here and be like ‘my lady, I have arrived. Your chariot awaits.’” Seokjin pranced around the room and even bowed and took your hand in his.

“And by ‘chariot’, you mean his legs right? Because the dorms are within walking distance?” You laughed.

“Well, yes, b-but anyways let me finish,” Seokjin cleared his throat. “So your knight in shining armor swoops in—” he went from holding your hand to picking you up bridal style. “—picks you up and saves you from the dungeon aka the coffee shop! And then Yoongi says—”

“Seokjin, what in zakum’s name are you doing?”

At the mention of his name coming from behind him, Seokjin froze in his tracks and turned around to find Yoongi staring at him with a questionable look.

“I—uh—” Seokjin panicked, almost dropping you on the floor but he still managed to place you back on your feet. “Alrighty-roo, well, Hani—babe, shall we take our leave?”

All Hani could do was laugh until her stomach hurt and Seokjin dragged her out of the coffee shop by her hand; she laughed so much that she could barely properly say bye to you and Yoongi.

“Do I even want to know?” Yoongi asked hesitantly.

“No, you really don’t.”

Yoongi helped you flip up the chairs onto the table while you continued to sweep the floor. As you two cleaned up, you proceeded to tell him about your day and apologized for telling Seokjin and Hani what happened in the afternoon. He brushed it off because he also trusted them.

Unlike your busy day, Yoongi spent his entire day eating, sleeping, and watching netflix; he exaggerated that it was a packed schedule. He even mentioned that Seolhyun still tried to call and text him, but he ignored every single attempt.

“You know, I think she dressed up that way today to lure you back to her with her looks.” You confessed.

“Huh. You think so?” Yoongi walked behind the counter where you were wiping around the sink.

You shrugged your shoulders. “Yeah, I mean, it’s been pretty cold lately and she shows up in an outfit that could barely keep her warm. She curled her hair, put on makeup, like why is doing all of that necessary to meet up with you? It seems so—what?”

Yoongi was just staring at you with a smirk plastered on his face. “Were you worried that it was going to work?”

A blush bloomed on your cheeks. “N-No. I just think it was ridiculous, that’s all.”

He stepped closer and stood behind you, placing his hands on the metal countertop to cage you in between his arms.

“You know, you observe others pretty well but from my observations from knowing you, you kind of suck at lying.” Yoongi laughed and you forced a chuckle out. You weren’t going to even deny it.

From the counter, Yoongi lifted his hands to secure them around your waist, hugging you from behind. You made a few attempts to move around to clean the counter properly, but he remained.

“Yoongi, I have to clean.” You chuckled.

“Just—” He briefly let you go to spin you around so he could hug you from the front. “Five minutes. Let’s stay like this for five minutes, please.”

It was such a genuine request, how could you say no?

Yoongi was leaning into you with his face buried in the crook of your neck. You had your arms lazily slung around his shoulders and just listened to his faint breathing. The blonde tips of his hair tickled your nose a bit, so you gently slide your hand across his nape to brush down his hair. He hugged you tighter at your sudden action and sighed.

“You’re really going to touch me like that, y/n?” The teasing tone in his voice was enough to raise your temperature and cause a blush to appear on your cheeks.

“Y-Yoongi!” You tried to push him away, already feeling embarrassed, but he just continued to hold you.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Yoongi snickered. “It’s fine, keep touching my hair.”

You were still feeling embarrassed because that was the first time Yoongi used that tone of voice with you. Nonetheless, you listened and continued to stroke his hair. Thankfully he didn’t wear that awful beanie.

Yoongi didn’t say another word and every once in a while, he’d caress your back and readjust himself. Small sparks ignited at the simplest touch and for some reason you wanted to laugh. This was everything you wanted but it did confuse you as to how comfortable Yoongi was doing all of this to you. All you did was kiss him once and the next moment he’s acting as if you two were dating for years.

“Okay, I’m recharged. Continue your cleaning.” He emerged from your body and cupped your cheek. Even if you were the one embarrassed, Yoongi still had a hue of pink displayed at the tops of his cheeks.

For the next ten minutes, you swiftly cleaned up the stations and tossed out the garbage in the dumpster out back. Yoongi waited patiently and even gathered all of your things for you from the back room.

“So you’re opening tomorrow?” Yoongi asked whilst helping you adjust your hoodie.

“Sadly, yeah. So we can talk first then I’ll head straight to bed.”

“We can talk tomorrow, it’s fine. You need your rest.”

“B-But—”

Yoongi stole another kiss from you, probably to shut you up and it worked; it left you utterly speechless. You had to get used to this somehow.

“Tomorrow.” Yoongi whispered. “For now, let’s go home.”

Home?

There was no doubt that Yoongi was referring to your dorm as home since he stayed there the entire day. The idea of him considering your place as “home” gave you butterflies.

Home was a safe sanctuary. Home was a place where someone can easily unravel themselves to be at peace. Home was where the heart was and Yoongi was there with you.

“Yeah.” You blushed. “Let’s go home.”

♡ rae jagi

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suckishima · 4 years

Text

suckishima’s hq!! 30 day gif challenge masterpost

I’m doing the 30 Day Haikyu!! Gif/GFX challenge! But I’m slightly modifying the rules so it’s more fun for myself.

Link to the prompts here!

I’m skipping a few prompts because I felt like it lol. So I’m doing 22 of the 30 *shrugs*

I’m not allowed to repeat any characters, because if I did, well, basically the whole challenge would just be Tsukki gifsets and as much as I love him, that wouldn’t be much fun for me or for anyone else lol. This also works out for me because I’m generally bad at choosing definitive favorites, and now most everyone gets a turn.

I’m only choosing moments from the anime and therefore doing gifs only, because it would have just taken me too long to add colorings into the mix. Maybe one day I’ll do the challenge again but with only gfx/manga edits. That does sound fun lol, especially since a lot of my favorite moments haven’t actually been animated yet.

If I’ve done my math/timing right (and I stay on schedule) there should be one set every day from today until the second cour of Season 4 airs on October 2! So it’s kinda like a countdown event? idk lol

See which ones I’ve done so far here!

I’ve listed why I chose what I chose for each day under the cut if you wanna see me ramble on some more!

(I’ll update each prompt with a link to its post when it’s uploaded)

Favorite character: Yamaguchi Tadashi. Tsukki is probably more of my actual favorite, but he fits better for the character development category for me. So, I went with my second favorite, Yamaguchi! I love him so much, he’s such a sweetheart and I really like how we get to see him slowly grow more into his own. His big moments are some of my favorites of the entire series and I just really relate to his drive to just get to play with the rest of the first years.

Character first fell in love with: Hinata Shoyo. This one was easy peasy lol. Hinata is the light and love of my life and I’d honestly be surprised if anyone picked anyone other than Hinata for this prompt. He’s just so *clenches fist* good. Hard working, fun, determined, a little dumb, and so so caring and compassionate. And I’m so proud of him too tbh. I don’t care how cliche and overrated it is to say this, he is a ray of sunshine and I love him.

Character gradually warmed up to: Tendou Satori. Again, this could easily be Tsukki lmao since I didn’t like him at allll at first until he slowly began to grow on me in s2. Anyway, Tendou also grew on me. I tend not to like characters that feel chaotic just for the sake of it, and that’s how I felt about him at first. But as the Shiratorizawa match goes on, and especially in the Ball Boy arc as we see him interact with his teammates more I realized he just wants to have a good time and shame on me for wanting to be down on that. He’s funny, fun, doesn’t give a fuck what people think, and is a supportive friend. Nothing not to like tbh.

Favorite karasuno ship: Tsukkiyama. I mean, it’s my two favorite characters together lmao, it was bound to happen. Especially since a lot of the reasons they’re my favorites is because of their interactions together. I feel like each significant interaction between them isn’t just development for them together, but for them individually and I love that. There’s like this silent building each other up. They’re both there for each other without having to say anything, but then when they do voice it, it makes it that much more powerful. I just love how strong their friendship feels by the end of nationals arc, it feels so earned and genuine. I love that Tsukki is proud of how far Yamaguchi has grown, and that Yamaguchi is proud of not just Tsukki with volleyball, but Tsukki’s relationship with Akiteru. They’re both just so proud. I’m cool with all ships being just platonic too, but if we’re talking non-canonically, them being together just makes me happy. I’m a big ol’ sucker for friends to lovers.

Favorite episode/chapter: Illusionary Hero. Sensing a pattern yet? ha ha haaaa. The relationship between the Tsukishima brothers is one of my favorite in the series (i still cry over the peace signs), and this episode is where I really began to not only fall in love with Tsukki but the writing of the show. I too had been wondering “what IS the point of them working so hard,” and I loooooved how Furudate addresses that question through Tsukki’s backstory. Great stuff. (favorite manga chapter is 298 when yams and tsukki do their successful serve and block for the first time, if you were interested lol).

Favorite team: Karasuno. This was another easy choice. I love every single team in the series, truly. But I can’t just abandon my boys lmao. Karasuno is the heart and soul of the show, and they are also now my heart and soul.

Favorite position: Setter. “The setter is the information tower of the team” is the “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” of volleyball. Okay, not really, that quote was just repeating in my head while I made this set. I don’t have any cool meaningful reasons for this one. Setters are just cool.

Favorite wing spiker: Ushijima Wakatoshi. Ohhhh how I love Ushijima. At first you think he’s just big huge muscle baddie (and, like, he kinda is) BUT he’s also some of my absolute favorite comic relief in the whole series. He is so frickn earnest and blunt and doesn’t give a Fuck what people think and I love him.

Favorite middle blocker: Kuroo Tetsuro. This was a hard choice lol, because my top three favorite characters (tsukki, yamaguchi, and hinata) are all MBs, so I was like uhh which one do I choose? Aone was a close second to Kuroo too.

Favorite libero: Nishinoya Yuu. He’s just so dang cool.

Favorite setter: Kageyama Tobio. My boyyyyyy. God I love Kageyama. I’m not sure I can put into words how much he means to me. His character arc of shedding the King mantle only to pick it back up again with a new context is one of my favorite character developments of all time. His arc is all about learning to communicate and not only relying on others but learning to be relied on and I just ah - and the stuff about self care??? i love him.

Favorite captain: Sawamura Daichi. He just, is The Captain ya know. He’s got the vibe down pat. We love a good solid foundation for our team. He’s integral and Karasuno would have never made it as far as they do without him.

Favorite manager: Yachi Hitoka. I love Shimizu too, I do, but Yachi’s very unique brand of crazy is just too much fun lol. The first season feels so empty without her, and she brings so much joy to the team and to the show.

Favorite match: Shiratorizawa. Of the whole series, my favorites in order are actually, Nekoma, Inarizaki, Kamomedai and then Shiratorizawa, then Aoba Johsai 2. But since most of those aren’t animated yet, we get to focus on Shiratorizawa. Which I do still love, the hype is SO real the entire match, I still get chills at the end and during Tsukki’s Block.

Favorite non-match scene: BAR-BE-QUE!! Lmao tbh it was a close one between the fun of the bbq and heartwrench of the meal after the lose to Aoba Johsai in s1. Furudate said let them eat.

Favorite arc: Tokyo Training Camp. I love to see them improving and practicing and growing and ah it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Favorite underrated character: Tanaka Ryuunosuke. I LOVE HIM. HE IS SO FULL OF LOVE. And he’s so slept on I feel like. He is one of the most supportive characters in the show. He is always positive and is a great morale booster and is just an overall Good Boy. Yeah yeah he’s a bit intense with his crush, but he’s always respectful and I’ll fight anyone who thinks he’d do anything that makes Shimizu uncomfortable.

Favorite character development: Tsukishima Kei. Ah, we’re finally here lol. The top two reasons Tsukki is my favorite character is 1 because I relate to him sooo so much and I’ve never seen a character written in a way that feels so much like just how I personally think about and see things. 2, because of just how amazingly earned and cathartic his development is. I could ramble about this forever so I won’t. But when I found out he was still playing volleyball after the time-skip, I actually cried. Like, after everything, he’s still playing? He WANTS to play?? godddd.

Favorite non-player: Tsukishima Akiteru. Ah, I gotta say I relate to his struggle. Plus I love how expressive he is lmao, crying over like every little thing.

Favorite friendship(s): The Tsukishima Brothers. They are so important to me okay. The admiration, the falling out, the chasm for years that affects how they both interact and even see the world, the slowly piecing things back together, and then the reversal of the peace signs in the Kamomedai match, wow. (kageyama/hinata is a VERY close second, i’m bad at favorites)

Favorite pairing(s): Kageyama/Hinata, Bokuto/Akaashi, Shimizu/Yachi, Ushijima/Tendou. There’s so so many more tbh, but I had to narrow it down.

Favorite rare pair: skipped

1st, 2nd, or 3rd years: First Years. They’re my babies. I love them all and they way they all interact and I need them to be friends forever thanks.

Girls: skipped

Most relatable: skipped

Most like to be friends with: skipped

Most heartbreaking moment: skipped

Most heartwarming moment: skipped

Stage play day: skipped

Your choice: skipped

#i told my boyfriend i was working on this and he was like 'cool! like a haikyu advent calendar!'#ive been marking down times for months now lol and hoping to try some new techniques for a few of the sets #we'll see how it goes lol #hq #hq!!#*30days #haikyu #haikyu!!#long post #in case the read more doesnt work for some reason #x

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theartoflivingalways · 4 years

Text

i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point.

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you.

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so.

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am.

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry)

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be.

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well.

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now?

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to. i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :)

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them.

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (:

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time.

#why #me #cantsleep #upfor24hours #adderall #waitress #insecure #perfect #anxiety #sorry #helpme #help #needsleep #dontwanttotho #goodnight #getsomerest #ily #thanku

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