#tbh they’re kinda boring as shit anyways

[clamsjams]

i’m so fucking pissed i found out yesterday that both of sofia’s 2 previous faces/displays/whatever the fuck u might have considered them were ai “art” i still love her but also im so fucking mad. im actually considering redesigning her entirely even tho i probs don’t have the artistic skill to live up to my ideas but i might try anyways

[allamericansbitch]

since y'all seemed to want this.... here's the live notes i took while listening to each song for the first time (bold are thoughts i had during later listens)

fortnight: 

‘i was a functioning alcohol till nobody noticed my new aesthetic’ what the fuck does that even mean…

love the fact she gave post the female collab treatment. don’t wanna hear what he has to say. 

they’re voices sound actually good together? 

some pockets of the melody are catchy

okay i don’t hate this 

ttpd:

her red flags are on fire in this song lol

this seems very half-cooked

also jacks weird mixing continues to plague us all

CHARLIE PUTH???? WHAT THE FUCK WHY HE HERE

tattooed golden retriever??? ……no way

my boy breaks all his favorite toys:

i blinked and it’s half over

this also is like… half cooked and didn’t need to be released tbh

i love the way she sings the second verse tho

down and:

the production does not match the vibe

did tpain produce this

i’m… kinda bored lol

like i have nothing to say this also didn’t need to be released tbh 

this grew on me a lot actually

so long london 

the production is so futuristic? 

oh im obsessed with how she sounds on this one

her talk-singing in the verses is great

honest lyrics without any clunky unnecessary metaphors! a win!!

the fast-paced verses with th slow chorus is really really cool

a favorite so far

daddy i love him

i can barely hear her? the bad mixing continues 

‘growing up precociously sometimes means not growing up at all’ oh yeah WE KNOW

is this…… is this about her dating matty and loving how people hate him… no fucking way she’s this stupid

SHE IS BEING THIS STUPID

‘it’s white noise’ yeah yeah that’s exactly how id describe him  

.... anyway y'all remember when fans really believed the little mermaid theory and this song was supposed to be about how 'joe stole her voice' lmaooo

we will pretend this one doesn't exist!

fresh out the slammer

are we getting another ‘i didn’t cheat technically’ song lol

what is this weird tempo change….

okay kinda catchy

it’s sounds exactly like you are in love at the end….. jack is really out of tricks

florida

‘my friends all smell like weed or little babies’ what the fuck is she even talking about anymore 

i’m sorry but i’m laughing at the phrase ‘fuck me up florida’

again the production sounds so detached from the vocals 

i honestly still have no idea how i feel about this one

guilt as sin

an real instrument?? wow crazy 

okay she’s kinda cute? catchy and fun, love the melody

i love when she goes up at the end of the vocal 

okay…. i don’t mind this one she’s catchy, a little too long and drawn out but cute

who’s afraid of little old me?

what is this production? it’s way too soft to be as threatening as they’re trying for 

why did jack push her vocals back so far when she’s supposed to scream…. that’s ruins the whole thing…. she’s supposed to be screaming and threatening….. not quiet and far away…. hello

this song is trying very hard to be threatening but it’s not... vigilante shit 2.0

‘you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum they raised me’…………… upper middle-class pennsylvania? 

‘i’m drunk on my own tears isn’t that what they all say, that’ll  sue you if you step on my lawn’ okay bar?

the bridge was good but that’s about it.

i can fix him 

…………… not another matty song oh god

‘i can handle a dangerous man’…… im too stunned to speak this is so embarrassing 

wow taylor really is that girl who like ‘women supporting women’ and then dates/defends a racist bf…. a walking example of white feminism

intersectional feminism found dead.... twice....

loml

okay this is really nice? 

I WAS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THE SONG WHY DID SHE RUIN IT BY SAYING ‘MR STEAL YOUR GIRL’ 💀

if we ignore that one line we're good this is good. im refusing to let that line ruin such a good song

i can do it with a broken heart

‘bitch smile’ why are there so many cringey lyrics on this album lol

what is this song omg why do i kind of like it 

taylor please learn depressed isn’t a synonym for sad 

they recycled the mastermind production 

wait till taylor finds out most of the entire world is sad while they're doing their job and has to pretend they're not

smallest man who ever lived 

oh i think i like this?

‘you said normal girls were boring’ GIRL AND YOU DIDNT IMMEDIATELY GET UP AND LEAVE??? EWWWW??? she's not beating the pick-me allegations

'i just wanna know if rusting my sparking summer was the goal' okay love that line

i like this a lot

the alchemy

no….. no way this is real

i cannot

THE SPORTS METAPHORS WE JOKED SHED DO THAT AND SHE ACTUALLY DID IT OH NO 

touchdown ✅ teams ✅ benches ✅ winning streak ✅ the league ✅

she’s doing…… the worst thing ever this is so laughable 

the corny lyrics are on overload 

‘this time it’s heroine with an e’ didn’t she write folklore? i can’t remember 

that literally was an snl parody of a taylor song

clara bow

love how the guitar sounds… bet money this is an aaron track 

a stevie nicks reference!! a win!!!

i like this one a lot no cringey lyrics yet

nope never mind she name-dropped herself don’t like that

overall really liked it tho

the black dog

i think i like it?? this is kind of what i expected the album to be

okay for once the weird production choices kind of pay off

imgonnagetyouback

kinda catchy? 

she loves a fancy car getting wrecked line

the pre-choruses are the best part 

this would’ve been better without the jack of it all bc he loves a song that doesnt build to anything

this just comes down to personal preference: i don’t like her lighter vocals with jack’s heavy production (ie most of lover lol)

the albatross

a real instrument!!! production that matches taylor’s voice and is well mixed!!! aaron’s arrived!! 

i think it’s solid, has good writing and she sounds great. that's about it.

chloe or sam or…

took me a solid minute to have any semblance of a fuck to know what was going on but okay

okay i love this one

wayyyy more emotive than like… most of the original album

a lot of the 2nd version (or whatever this is lol) are way more emotive, maybe because her voice isnt drenched in reverb so we can actually hear her voice emote better

how did it end

this sounds like an old school adele song? 

i love this one too…. 

her being upset people wanna know what happened but then also feeding it while promoting the album oop 

i love the story of this one it's so refreshing

so high school

THE PRODUCTION is so good ugh aaron never fails 

the man here is a walking red flag girl and the lyrics are ~not it~ but the production is too pretty to hate it

fuck these lyrics are so bad lol

maybe if i disassociate hard enough i can ignore the lyrics and just listen to the production and vibe

give me a karaoke version of this song and we'd be so back

i hate it here

i mentioned disassociation and she made a whole song about it!!!! this one’s mine!!!! 

‘without all the racists’ GIRL HUH

WHAT WAS THE REASON

also... girl don’t act like we don’t know you’re fine with that lololololol

if i had a dime for every time i was liking a song to then have it slapped away because of a bad, out-of-pocket lyric…… 

thank you aimee

this isn’t grabbing my attention 

oh the bridge is interesting 

it’s meh 

i will never be thanking the people that bullied me thanks tho

i look in peoples windows 

what do you mean aaron didn’t produce this??? it’s well-made and has instruments? 

i love this one, again a really interesting and unique concept that's very refreshing to hear at this point when a lot of the songs feel repetitive

the prophecy

aaron guitar!!!! 

she’s nice i like her 

i've really grown to love how she sings this one, the melodies are cool.. however i feel like we've heard the same melody.. like on this exact album... where she upturns at the end of every line...

cassandra 

this seems very…. familiar… idk i feel like we’ve covered this (i mean there are 31 songs we’ve already covered everything lol)

this is such an aaron song, that's a classic 'the national' piano

i like her voice in this one tho, sounds good

peter

oh love i love this

now this? THIS feels the most like a taylor swift song

once again she’s at her best with a simple instrument and emotive simple lyrics

the piano reminds me of champagne problems

the bolter 

i like this! the chorus is so cute

oh i like that ending line a lot!

she’s cute, a little long and drawn out but cute

robin

i haven’t seen anyone talk about this one

welp…. i literally have no feelings toward this one but sounds pretty! 

the manuscript

oh this is soooooooo powerful 

i love this concept 

her ending the album on another introspective album that sums everything up a la dear reader yep yep!!

if you actually read of this ily 💗

[yelenabelovasbxtch]

Crush On An Archer PT.1

a/n: Hey! Omg long time no see! I kinda maybe lost interest in writing for a bit there but tbh I think I'm back. No promises because I don't want to promise and then break your hearts but also I realllyyyy enjoyed writing this and I hope you all enjoy reading it! Will def be making a part two in coming days so stay tuned. LMK if you want to be added to the taglist, I am going to put some tags of past taglists below just in case they are interested in reading :) ALSO! Special shout out to @scmg11 because their writing is honestly what made me wanna get back into it. So,,I hope you enjoy!

Kate X Fem!Reader

Concept: Reader has a crush on Kate (school/Uni setting) and she doesn't know how to tell her.

Warning: Cussing, mentions of smut, IM TRYING TO WRITE SLOW BURN BUT BEAR WITH ME ITS NEW!

Word Count: 2.7k

You’re a month into your summer vacation and things couldn’t be more…boring. You love and appreciate your parents dearly for putting out the money so that you could attend a prestigious school in New York with a kick ass archery team but does it ever suck to be this far from all your friends for four months. To make the situation work, your dad had to transfer jobs to another state that pulls in a little more money annually with slightly more affordable housing but that means you aren’t even near the people you grew up around. Rural Mississippi is a fairly big step from living in Boston. Boston at least had people, out here it’s like you’re lucky if you get to meet a neighbour because the land has us all so far apart. In all honesty, although it’s boring, you really have one specific reason for being so bummed out. Towards the end of your last semester, you got started getting closer with one of the girls a year younger on your team, Kate. Typically the older girls competed and practised together and the younger girls did the same. Although you two were only a year apart it’s just how things worked out, so you didn’t cross paths very often. However, one day you were walking home from class, stopped to get coffee and basically bumped into her. The meeting was really brief but it was enough to make you catch feelings almost instantly. 

Your interest in her grew as you followed her on Instagram and she followed back. Obviously you took a peak at her page and scrolled to the bottom laughing at the really cringey posts from 2015 she had still up. All you wanted to do was talk to her again but you didn’t know how, although she was a year younger than you she intimidated you so much. Her deep blue eyes were honestly enough to make you stutter whenever you had the chance to talk to her. A month had gone by already and you could not wait to get back to school so you could see her again. Luckily, coach has yearly “team-building” days before the season starts and they’re about half way through the summer so hopefully you can talk to her before then and maybe convince her to hang out when you come back to school. 

Over the next week or so you liked a few story posts that she’d upload every now and again but the day finally came where you felt like you could swipe up and respond to it…y’know…maybe spark a little conversation. 

“Damn Bishop, is this a new bow?” In response to a story post of her showing off some of her off season training. 

“Haha yeah it is, flips out and everything…it's really freakin’ cool.” She replied almost instantly and that made a giant warm smile come across your face. 

Shit– what do you say back? Your main goal was honestly to keep the convo going so you could subtly mention down the line hanging out with her. 

“Yeah that’s sick, wow I’d kill to try something like that out.”

“Well next time I see you, please by all means give it a shot” She replies back.

“Might just have to take you up on that. How’s your summer going anyways?”

“It’s alright, kind of boring though. All my friends from school move back home and I am working for my mom’s company over the summer so it all is just kind of dull. I miss going out and having fun. Wbu?”

“Yeah, I hear that. I am SO bored here. I would kill to fast forward to the fall, I miss being at school honestly. There’s only so much I can do by myself here during the summer.”

“Ugh right! I want it to be school again too but don’t get me wrong, I love the summer, the weather is great here recently and the nightlife is amazing too. I just have nobody to go with, you know.”

“Yeah I get it. Trust me, if I could be there to go out with you I would, there is definitely no nightlife here haha.”

Shit. That wasn’t too forward was it? She is taking a while to respond to you. She hasn’t even opened the message yet. 

*4 minutes later*

“Well, you’re going to be around for that team-building thing coach has us doing in a couple of weeks right?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Well, we can go out then if you want? Me and a few friends had plans but they’re all on the team and I’m sure they’d love to have you there too.”

“Yeah, that sounds great I’d love to!”

The conversation pretty much ended there and your contact with her was fairly limited, just a small comment here or there until you finally got to fly back to school for summer training. You settle back into the apartment you left a couple months ago, everything is still a mess where you left it but the kitchen and living room are even filthier since you are not around to clean up much after your roommates. You decided to wait until your team practice to talk to Kate about hanging out again. You didn’t want to come on too strong but also a small part of you feels like she forgot what she said months ago and you won’t end up seeing her, not outside of team stuff at least. 

You grabbed your gear and headed to the field where practice was being held. You saw some of your friends from last year and decided to catch up with them before coach pulled you all in to start practice. You were trying your best not to make it obvious but your eyes were tracking all around you looking for Kate but she was nowhere to be seen. 

*Whistle* “Okay team! Let’s bring it in. First, I just want to say thank you to everyone for making the effort to come back to campus for this, meeting I–”

“SORRY SORRY SORRY!” You hear the coach interrupted as footsteps are fast approaching the circle of archers. 

“Hi Kate.” Says coach.

“I am SO sorry. My driver was running late and then there was traffic because of a giant accident, I think there was some battle in the streets again, I don’t know, either way, my bad coach, won’t happen again…I promise.” She says with the most adorable grin that is absolutely saying she will be late again. 

“It’s alright Kate, it happens, I was just telling the team how thankful I am that everyone could make the trip back to campus for this.” Coach went on to talk about the drills you were doing for the day and man was it hard to not be in awe watching her. You tried your best not to stare all day because the last thing you wanted to do was make it obvious but fuck it felt impossible. The day came to an end and you packed up your gear, Kate was talking with the other seniors on the team as they were gathering their things and started to head out. You could feel your window closing to talk to her but interrupting her conversation with her friends and “inviting” yourself out with them just felt too weird and uncomfortable. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be but you would kill to be able to just spend an hour with her. 

You watched as she started to walk away towards the parking lot with her friends when all of a sudden she motioned for them to hold on a minute and she turned around and jogged over to you. 

“Hey y/n! Sorry we didn’t get to catch up much during practice, I saw your shooting though it’s looking good.” 

Yeah…your face is bright red. Control your shit. 

“Anyways, me and a couple friends are going out later tonight to a party that one of their friends is hosting. It’s like a Hawaiian beach summer nights themed type of party so if you have something like that to wear, that would be great.”

“Yeah, I might have something, I’ll take a look when I get home.” 

“Cool! I’ll text you the address once I get it off my friend and I’ll see you there?”

“Yeah, sounds good!” 

“Here, why don’t you put your number into my phone, I don’t like using DM’s that much.”

You take Kate’s phone out of her hand and fill out a contact for yourself, praying that she can’t hear your heart beating out of your chest. 

“Cool, thanks, I’ll send you a text in a bit.” She says with a smile and then runs off to re-join her friends. 

It seems silly sitting by your phone and literally watching the minutes tick by waiting for her to text you but that’s all  you could do. The anticipation felt like it was killing you. 

Your phone finally buzzed with a mystery number attached, “Hey y/n! It’s Kate. So…slight change of plans.”

Fuck. Is she bailing? Your eyes were glued on the three dots as she typed and you watched as they disappeared and reappeared. 

“Turns out the party is actually around the corner from my place so if you wanted to just come here first, we could pre-game and shit and then walk over together? My friends said they were going out to get their hair done so they’ll be running late.”

“Hey Kate, yeah no problem that works for me just send me your address and lmk what time you want me there.”

Kate dropped a pin of her location to you with the text attached telling you to come over at 7pm. 

7pm rolled around and you were already there outside but you kind of felt like you should wait another minute or two so you weren’t RIGHT on time. Or is it weird to be a minute late? But wouldn’t being on time be weirder? Whatever, you decided to just wait a minute and then knock on her door. 

Knocking on her door was the most nerve wracking thing you ever did, you were genuinely shitting bricks. 

“HEY! Come in come in!” Kate eagerly yells at you as she swings the door open. She’s wearing shorts with a bright purple bikini top and a button down Hawaiian shirt over top that doesn’t have a single button done up. Are you starring? Yes. Probably? Absolutely you are. 

“Make yourself at home, feel free to grab a drink from the fridge, my roommates are out of town and left all their alcohol so help yourself.” She said with a laugh. 

You heard that right? Her roommates are out of town. Just the two of you…you never know. 

You grabbed a drink from the fridge and took a seat on the couch next to her and yeah…the drink started going down faster than usual because of all the nerves in your stomach. The two of you made small talk for awhile but the conversation started flowing a little more naturally about 2 drinks in. Were you still kind of awkward as hell? Yeah…a little. But at least you warmed up to her a bit and weren’t acting so weird. About an hour later, her friends showed up and grabbed you guys to head over to the party. Honestly, things were going so well with just the two of you that you didn’t even want to go to this party but if it meant you got to spend more time with her then there you were. You got to the party and you honestly knew practically nobody. You weren’t exactly a social butterfly but Kate clearly was. She was talking to EVERYBODY. The boys at the party especially loved her. There was lots of laughing and flirting going on, you could feel the jealousy building but acting out was definitely not an option. You ended up socialising with a few of the other people at the party but for most of the night you stuck by Kate’s side, the two of you got pretty drunk together, pouring shots for one another and dancing in the pit of people to extremely loud music. There was a point where it felt like it was just you and her and nobody else was there while the music was blasting into your ears and the two of you were jumping together to the beat and singing out the lyrics to whatever song was on at the time. Kate got really close to you until some guy would come and pull her away in an attempt to make a move on her. Although, it never actually happened. Kate always ended up finding her way back to you. At one point she grabbed your hand and pulled you into the middle of the crowd as the two of you sang (screamed) the lyrics to “love story” into each other's faces. The party, as all do, started to simmer down. You guys actually ended up being some of the last people at the party, you stuck around to the point where the music was gone and most people were just sitting around chatting halfway sober. 

“Hey, I think I’m going to go home, I am super tired right now.” Kate says to you. 

“Okay, I’ll walk with you, I left my bag at your place anyways so I have to grab it.” 

“Right, sounds good.” 

Although the two of you had been singing and dancing for hours, she looked just as perfect as when you left and you were trying your hardest not to stare at her while the two of you were walking side-by-side. 

The walk back to her place was pretty quick, when the two of you got inside you went to grab your bag and get your things together. You were desperately trying to figure out what to say to her while you were organising your stuff. You didn’t want to come on too strong but you also want to make sure that she knows you had a good time…I guess just tell her exactly that?

“I had a really good time tonight, thanks again for inviting me.” You say as you’re leaning against the wall in her hallway. 

“Of course, anytime. And I did too. We should really hang out more when we come back to school.” She replies. 

Kate walks towards you and stops about a foot away leaning up against the doorframe to her bedroom. The hallway is super narrow and all you can think about is pinning her against the wall while you kiss down her neck and pull her tight by her waist. 

“Yeah I think so too. I guess I should probably head out.” You say as she looks at you with the softest eyes that you swore said “please stay”. You lingered for a second longer as the two of you were looking at each other, tired, kind of tipsy and on the verge of ripping each other's clothing off. All you wanted was for her to actually ask you to stay a little longer but before she had the chance you were already walking towards the door. 

“Have a good night y/n.” She says. “Text me when you get home safe.”

“I will. Sleep well Kate.” You reply as you turn to look at her with a smile and step out the front door. 

That goodbye felt different. It felt like there were still feelings in the air and lots that wanted to be said that wasn't. It felt like the perfect opportunity with nobody around after an amazing night together has passed but you regret none of it. Although you weren’t able to get a confirmation on whether or not Kate even likes women like you do, you knew there was definitely a type of tension between the two of you that she definitely noticed.

-- END OF PT 1 --

Taglist: @yelenaslyubov @youreatotalposer @jeyramarie @flosbelova @bridgecitybrad @justthis-stuff @chloe7076 @ailenepuff @ravenclawbitch426 @mellowladyangel @amcg0605-blog @kassies-take @yelenaswife1996 @wandanatchick @lilroachsworld @inluvwithfictionalwomen @x666hours @natashaswife4125 @onetruwhore @karmasgxrl @hopelesslyfallenninlove @setsuna1415 @swiftdazer @imobsessedwithmilfss @madamevirgo @louisprettybab @splatalia-jumpanova @jediluka @t00manyfand0ms

[cunningweiner]

Regarding your petition for hcs.. bc I can't sleep, my personal hcs

Randy: After defeating the sorcerer the Nomicon calling him the "Last Ninja" He is the last one in the chain (making reference to the symbol in his shirt)

(A little non sense considering the 9 chapter thingy but ok)

He constantly forgets to covers up bruises and no one thinks anything weird because he has the fame of being kind-of adventurous (and stupid)

He makes up stories when someone asks him about them and recycles them. Sometimes when someone points out they already heard that, he convinces them into thinking they did not (art of manipulation nomicon lesson when)

His notebooks are full of doodles and drawings of lessons the nomicons gives him, and they're messy af

Has scars from fights that didn't end to well

He knows Japanese thanks to the Nomicon

He settled for having only one friend so his social skills are terrible.

Messy guy overall

Howard: Knows facts about everything, but not to the point of being an expert.

Knows how to read people (body language and expressions) ESPECIALLY Randy, he knows every habit of his, he knows him pretty well.

Has lots of "proyects" started none of them finished.

Has a scar on his back from the thengu incident (representing the wings)

He is never alone, let it be with his family or with Randy but he always has someone beside him, that's one of the reasons why he's has issues with being alone (it's weird for him) he feels bad when Randy tells him it's not a big deal (Randy's absent parents hc sorry for this)

Theresa: lots of friend groups but she doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere

Baby bat (interested in goth)

YES TYTYTY sorry for the slow response but okok here we go

I also kind of thought of him as the last ninja (lowkey disregarding secrets of the nine💀) but I got a different ask with some really interesting points so I’m kinda torn lol

Scars-having Randy is soso real to me. Also YES about him forgetting what he said and gaslighting people. That boy has so much brain damage I know it KNFHD

Him keeping a notebook full of the doodle lessons from the nomicon is sooooo good. Also him learning Japanese from it????? 10/10. I hc him as part Japanese but I don’t think he was taught any growing up (true wasian experience tbh) and I think he was really happy to learn

Howard is suchhhh a socialite but nobody ever talks about it??? He makes friends so easily (even if he doesn’t like them) and is super well received in crowd situations. I’ll write up a seperate post about that soon I think lmao. Anyway I love that Randy is the socially awkward one of the two. I think he would never make any other friends if Howard didn’t introduce him lmao

Smart Howard is so dear to me and I think he’s definitely the type of guy to know at least surface level about literally everything. Like that one Dan Vs clip about knowing who carved Mt Rushmore but not what state it’s in

I have a Whole Thing about Tengu Howard that I’ll write up/draw soon and the wing scars are going in immediately. I think I’m just a sucker for those scars specifically I’ll never turn them down on anyone

Yes you’re so correct about his isolation issues being purely from circumstance. I think he has a huuuuge family so he’s never really by himself but Randy is an only child with only child parents so he’s Always alone when he’s not with Howard. Absent Cunningham parent are real to me - would love for them not to be but he gets away with so much shit there’s no way they pay that much attention

I’m not really a big Theresa fan in general (she’s just a little boring imo but I know they would have developed her more if they had the time to :,( )but her being a baby bat is so good. I think Julian shows her his music and they share cassettes (they’re edgy like that). I think also I just want to see the members of the Klub interact more

[sirenascelestiales]

Honestly, considering the show/writers never acknowledged Daphne’s marital rape of her husband, and they only had a slight acknowledgment of Edwina’s feelings on Kate x Anthony, like I don’t think there will be a satisfactory resolution to Pen’s betrayal of the Bridgertons (Marina/Colin and Eloise/Theo) or of Eloise’s “friendship” with Cressida (and anything else she might do as “revenge”).

I think they’ll blow over the latter “I said I’d rather die than be her friend and I still mean it” and hugs all around or some other scene like that (which I know is simple and that’s my point). And Pen will apologize and confess that cause she’s so in love with Colin and she wanted to be noticed and she’ll be forgiven without much else from Colin. And maybe a little more for Eloise, if that.

(Spoiler’s for the books in case people care about that).

They forgive her for Whistledown in the books, Colin is worried more about her being revealed as Whistledown than her writing shit about him (tho nothing she writes is like Marina/Colin is not in the books. Daphne basically forgives her for anything she wrote about that but tbh she doesn’t seem to mind anyway). And, they like sorta acknowledge it as “wtf” thing, but it’s blown over quickly imo. “Oh well that’s nice dear” sorta reaction. And Eloise does have even more of a backbone than in the books but idk I just don’t see why and what people seem to want out of Bridgerton.

Eloise is going to somehow befriend and fall in love with Crane! You’re telling me the girl running around with Theo and “radicals” will suddenly fall for the guy boring the fuck out of Marina?

Like, I’m sorry but Bridgerton is pretty people hooking up with a regency background. They will not “do right” by most people’s standards of how the characters should act and how to apologize (Daphne and Simon make up after professing deep love in the rain! Anthony is shocked into confessing for real cause Kate fell of a horse! It’s for DRAMA, and then it’s resolved kinda easily?)

I’ve seen some more of nuanced takes against Pen, at least these people aren’t reducing her to a fat villain (cause when they did that I could not take them seriously 😒). And honestly a lot of it is fair, that’s good! The writers don’t care.

But now I keep seeing people hating Eloise to the point that they want a comeuppance that is not proportional to her “revenge”…and like… it won’t be as serious as y’all are making it to be. This “revenge”. Like please, the writers aren’t going to suddenly take this world seriously. See above and those are just 1 example for each season!

If they wanted to acknowledge all the hurt Pen put people through and make her work to become a better person, they could! I just don’t think they will because it’s 8 episodes per season and in this season they’re trying to find a way to get Colin and Pen together and Eloise and Pen as friends again by end of season. I don’t think they’ll extend a conflict into Ben’s season (I actually hope they don’t, I like Ben and Sophie’s story for the most part and while I love Anthony and Kate they shouldn’t be the focus either).

Idk what people expect I guess. if you’re watching it for Pen to be taken down a notch… might not be the season for you. If you’re hate watching I guess tag it with “anti” whatever and not the regular tags?

I’m sorry if you think she does not deserve an happy ending, I don’t necessarily disagree that she’s undeserving of some crow eating for what she’s done. However, I don’t think the writers care to make her go through that. And I don’t watch Bridgerton for brilliant character development that I think some of y’all want.

That being said I’m curious about how they’ll manage LW post Colin x Penelope marriage. In the books it basically disappears, and maybe they can use that to have a build up to Pen! However that means to me making their relationship last longer than as season and I do not want that for any of the couples.

[mimikoolover]

I think we should stop trying to make sense of Jikook and confront it to what they say or what they sing at this point lol I feel like there’s too many things we can’t know anyway, and some parts of the puzzle are missing and will be for a long time anyway because I highly doubt they will talk about their private life anyway soon. To me, with everything we’ve witness with these two for all those years I’m still thinking they’re actually together and have been for years but honestly I know I could be wrong. I follow the Occam’s Razor theory. But we have to admit that some pieces of the puzzle don’t fit or haven’t find their right place yet and we have to be at peace with that. Personally as a 30 yo I just think I’ve never ever seen two people behaving like they do and being as close as they are without being a couple. Their song lyrics are just a detail in the grand scheme of it but it’s jus my opinion. I know they could be just two exceptionally close friends, the exception to the rule. Trying to over analyze everything they do and say can be fun at times but it feels almost boring after all this time for me because we always go in circles. In a few weeks they’ll be confusing the hell out of us again lol

I was thinking exactly this actually...like if jikook are dating each other realistically we'll never know about it. have they done stuff in the past that's sus sure but there have been sus things with them with other people as well...so writing all of that off in relation to them with each other seems strange but I want to believe and listen to what they say so when jimin talks about muse I want to believe that. we also have to remember that they are just celebrities and let's be real we'll never truly know them for who they are as people so...caring less seems to be the way to go and just enjoy the music and whatever they put out without reading too much into it. but that's kinda difficult since artists realised they want die hard stans bc those are the people who make them money so the music industry and every player in it as a whole encourages us to be die hard stans (people within the fandom do this too). frankly jungkook is the only musician I've ever heard say that he should be less important to us and we ourselves should be the most important to ourselves. I think just the way with how fandoms are people talk about stuff a lot, tbh I was exhausted yesterday after talking about muse and jikook all day long...but that's how overanalysing happens. you can take things face value but then there's people in the fandom who talk like they know more and then that kinda makes me wonder 'do I know these people when I take things face value or would I know them better/more accurately if I kept up with them the way stans do'. me leaving twitter for example, I'm sure I missed loads of shit but at this point I don't even care anymore.

[hellbabyfromhell]

I thought x and pearl looked stupid so I refused to watch them but up until now ive no excuse as to why I hate them and as a big horror buff I felt like I had to but now that someone with good taste saw them and hated them I can now refuse to watch them with a clean conscience so thank you for your sacrifice o7 (<- lil guy saluting)

i want to be mean abt the movies but theres like 0 to say abt X other than mia goth is sexy and its boring and the twist doesnt make it worth it. x? more like z. ZZZ.

pearl i think could have been a better movie if thrat had been any character development or really anything period in the first hour… when people enjoy the movie, i get the feeling they’re letting their experiences inform who the character of Pearl is to them and theyre like Wow this character is so good. but tbh shes like kinda empty and a missed opportunity, and not in the intentional way irt the plot, just she had this big moment at the end and i could understand her motivations and saw why it was going how it did, and i think it could have been a much better movie, but it was so lacking in the first hour that it took away some of the meaningfulness of the finale. i understood why she was doing what she did, and i understood why she felt how she did— they definitely communicated that, but it was all kinda meaningless because it was an idea more than a person, and i think basically if anything had happened in the first hour itd maybe be better. bc as is pearl is more of an idea than a character to me… does that make sense. also it was doomed from the start bc ti west, maker of THE SACRAMENT, a found footage horror film about JONESTOWN with jumpscares and references the real audio recordings and it’s extremely disrespectful!

anyway its all “elevated horror” but it isnt actually especially good. i think we are forgoing plot and good writing sometimes in favor of being elevated. kinda tired of elevated horror. a24 snubbed barbarian (which i really enjoyed) but produce shit like this. and the movie men. lol. to be clear i dont hate all a24 movies or anything , i think im just sick of this trend

thank u for trusting me. o7

[rowanisawriter]

how abt director’s commentary for “juxtaposition” bc that fic makes me rotate johnny silverhand in my head like a reheated mug of tea and I love ur take on corpo V

He wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole if he wasn’t stuck in her body, the body he wants so bad it feels like an ache, the body he wants to cram full of nicotine and whiskey and whatever fucking pills he can fit in his hands. He hates how perfect her skin is, no freckles, no scars. How perfect her hands are. He touches her wrist, the green veins that pulse just under her pristine skin, and wants to bite her hard enough to draw blood.

“Why do you corpo types always polish away every imperfection like you’re fucking robots?” he says.

She lifts her shirt and shows him the scar on the skin that stretches over her hip bone from the last gig or whatever that they did. He remembers they spent the money from that one on the new apartment, that she got it for him because he wouldn’t shut up about that nasty megabuilding unit, and he buried the thought that she had gotten hurt because he had gotten bored.

He buries it again. He’s so good at that, good at overwriting the past just as his engram overwrites V. Second nature. Evolution.

“Here’s a scar you can see,” she says, and he runs a finger along her hip bone, over the scar and trailing across her belly, raising goosebumps in his wake. “And in my head, a scar you can’t see but you can feel it all the same. Can’t you?”

He shrugs. She shifts and his hand drops onto the bed and bounces just a little.

“I’m in your head,” she tells him. “And it smells like guilt in here. Like shit.”

ahhhhh thank you for asking! tbh juxtaposition is one of my favorite things i’ve written 🥹

ask me for director’s commentary on one of my dumb ass stories

ok so, from the beginning i wanted to somehow convey just how strikingly different a corpo v is compared to johnny but also how similar. i also really really liked the idea that they are actually trapped in the same body. the game has to show us that they’re different units because it is more dramatic to see johnny outside of v’s body, it looks cooler to see keanu!! but in the story i kept them in the same body the entire time, it gave the whole fic a very disjointed feeling because some passages had johnny acknowledging they were the same person and some had him creating some kind of mental block to separate them, as the thought that he was now a corpo/corpo adjacent was too much for him to bear.

this scene is near the end and i wanted johnny to come to some kind of understanding that v isn’t what he thinks she is and that he actually can survive with her in this body, that the two of them are kinda similar at least in stubbornness and pride, that she is willing to get her (their) hands dirty and shows him the scar as proof. he immediately buries this and literally right after this he tells her to go punch the wall and get more scars. like the vengeful insane rocker boy he is, enough is never enough for him lol. but v is willing to do this to get him on her side because she’s in love with him and he’s willing to acknowledge she might not be just corpo shit because he’s in love with her 😭 god i love this story so much 😭

a few more scenes here really are ingrained in my brain forever, there is some inner monologue for johnny that aren’t in quotations but are still in first person, just chaotic methods of writing lol i felt during my playthroughs that johnny was a presence akin to a tumor, an aggressive shadow in v’s mind, his thoughts as full of hatred and resentment as they were just churning in v’s head, sometimes his monologues can be overbearing and overwhelming and i tried to convey that in the fic by leaving them outside of quotation, as if he was hijacking the narrative just as he’s hijacking v’s mind.

anyway!! lol thanks for letting me rant about this story it is also rotating in my head like a mug of tea tbh!!!!

[yourturntosimp]

can u pls do safamiley hcs:D

A/N: hiii,,,,how yall doinggg,,,happy summerrrrrr 💀💀💀 TWs: Manipulation, Guilt tripping, Degrading talk, Mention of/allusions to murder, General toxicity

♡ the gfs ever omg ♡ tbh i feel like they would be kinda on-edge around eachother if this was asu-naro era & before the actual game,,, ♡ like the whole thing is shady as all hell, so i can imagine them working with eachother but never fully trusting eachother in case one of them were to try to damage/sabotage the other’s research to make themself look better,,, ♡ that’s probably the thing that led them to be interested in eachother JHGFDS ♡ idk they seem deranged enough to let that be the driving force im ngl ♡ anyways they’re both 100% manipulating eachother and they think the other has no idea ♡ miley going out of her way to ruin safalin’s social life, because why not ruin the few opportunities she takes to be outgoing and talk to people? ♡ It means she’ll have to spend more time with miley, and also she won’t suffer the mortification of making a fool out of herself like the idiot she is! ♡ after all, what kind of a girlfriend would she be if she didn’t stop safalin from embarrassing herself and making it clear to everyone around how completely and utterly stupid she is? It’s a win for both of them, she’s just being nice <3 ♡ safalin, on the other hand, opts to guilt trip miley and incessantly cling onto her ♡ she’s just too useless & incapable of doing anything by herself! She’ll surely crumble and fall and just ruin everything if miley is away from her for too long, so maybe they should just stick together all the time! ♡ and if that doesn’t work, well…she can always just show her how capable she is as a caring girlfriend! ♡ miley just needs to…mysteriously catch some illness, is all! and safalin, with her knowledge in medicine, will come to her rescue! ♡ they both also get SUPER jealous ♡ the problem here is that they both like to make eachother jealous on purpose,,, ♡ safalin does it if she starts to worry that miley’s getting bored of her and doesn’t care for her anymore ♡ and yk miley wouldnt do shit to reassure her that this isn’t the case bc it keeps her dependant KJHGFCD ♡ miley does it because she likes seeing safalin’s reactions to it ♡ it’s just so fun, seeing that shattered look on her face be immediately replaced with the most potent rage she’s ever seen in her life! ♡ she doesn’t really care about whoever it was that she was using to make her girlfriend jealous…it just sucks that they always scream so loudly </3

[defensivelee]

HELLO I wanna scream about this insane novel called Dark Eagle: A Novel of Benedict Arnold and the American Revolution by John Ensor Harr and you’ll never fuckin guess but it’s about Benedict Arnold. I have a lot to say about it actually so,,,,carry on if you want to,,,TW for mentions of pedophilia

also the image quality is a little SHIT sorry about that >:(

FIRST OFF I actually like this book for the most part. It was written in a tolerableee way in toleraaaable language and Arnold was really fun to read. I always see him as trying to act as some Tigerstar-esque villain (from the Warrior cats series) but he can literally never manage it because he’s surrounded by some average dude-bros. But this book somehow does it right even though everyone else is even more dude-bro than before. Arnold is just the right amount of menacing and (unintentionally) goofy in this book so it’s fun to read him fucking up everything!

That being said this book explains a ton and I mean LIKE A TON. Harr out here acting like he’s explaining this to 12-year-olds. WHICH HE ISN’T. I’M NOT TWELVE AND YOU’RE NOT EITHER. SOME OF YOU ARE EVEN 400!

Anyway Gates is here. Gates was one of my first dead blorbos so it was really amusing to see him here! He’s so UNNECESSARILY FUNNY ISTG

I HAD TO READ THAT WITH MY EYES MR. HARR 😭😭

Well if you know me you know I’m an absolute SLUT for Arnold and Gates before they fell out and this book is chef’s fucking kiss for that. It is SO NICE and SO SWEET how it shows their friendship like they’re just fucking DUDES man. THEY’RE JUST BROS HANGING OUT

ISN’T THIS THE NICEST FUCKING THING!!! Like FUCK MAN what happened at Saratoga DESTROYS ME especially with how Harr portrays it because they’re such!!! friends!!! Anyway yeah I’m so normal about that thanks Mr. Harr you get a 10/10 on this aspect

Now about Peggy and Arnold....FUCK IT THEY’RE ADORABLE HERE LIKE HARR SAID “y’all are going to LOVE EACH OTHER” and just jkdjksjkdsjkd

LIKE ALL OF THIS!! IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW!! He keeps on thinking she’s beautiful and she’s so supportive and dkjfkjdskjsjkajsj they’re so in love here. THANK YOU AGAIN MR. HARR 10/10 ON THIS!!

In general I think Arnold slaps here and I will talk about him again at the end because this is a novel about him after all! But now I want to talk about *drumroll* JOHN FUCKING BURGOYNE!!!

Honestly I don’t have a lot to say on him. Why the fuck was he even here. He’s ffffine I guess and we get to have him staring at some tits and this really hilarious scene where he looks at himself in the mirror

rlflrlpfppwppwwqwqqqq okay then Mr. Burgoyne

I feel like he’s just here for comic relief tbh kind of unnecessary BUT I’m not complaining because he was still funny. If Harr was trying to make me laugh he won.

It’s André time now,,,,BASICALLY IDEK BECAUSE MR. HARR MADE HIM GAY AS FUCK and also kind of a creep because he had this weird interest in an eleven-year-old boy??

*sigh* I guess this is Mr. Harr’s novel and André being a fuckin twink is fine ig but it just feels like the casual pedophilia thrown in is like?? just going along with the stereotype that every gay man wants your little son?? idk if that was Harr’s intention but it just irks me because HI I’M GAY

But let me tell you something André proceeding to be Clinton’s boyfriend shot me, hit me across the head like a frying pan, etc, etc.

Now here again we have a mention of André’s sick “preferences” and then it just seems like he went ahead and rolled his ass over just for the promotion. Which alright valid I guess but JESUS IT’S SO FUCKING INSANE

And then there’s this scene. It’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read in any book ever,

But then there’s that and idkkk yeahhh pretty accurate,,,this is after he receives that last letter from André and he would deffo burst into tears over it! So very sad actually if I had read that without the knowledge that Clinton was tapping that ass here I would have cried :((

The death scene was fine. idk kinda boring

BUT NOW HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT LAST PART??? THE VERY LAST PAGE??? Let me tell you something man before my being on this hellsite was even dreamed about (where I found this book thank you Horacio), my thoughts, my headcanon said that when everyone found out André died, they would all stand around the table and Clinton would look up at Arnold and give him a hard stare.

And then they would all glare at him, blaming him entirely for André’s death, and he would back away and leave, limp away, in this sort of daze.

SO

THIS BOOK ACTUALLY DID THAT??? LIKE MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

WHAT THE FUCKKKKK MAN I GET CHILLS FROM READING THIS EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Like this is EXACTLY it THANK YOU MR. HARR. I’m so obsessed with this ending for the book it’s fucking PERFECT. This is actually my favorite thing about the book and words cannot describe how fucking normal I am about this.

Overall, I could read this again without dying, André is just fucking ANNOYING. Why can’t a piece of media get him RIGHT for God’s sake

But otherwise a solid book and I enjoyed it fr!! If you have a sense of humor you should be good to read it. It’s all here https://archive.org/details/darkeaglenovelof00harr/mode/2up (though I own a physical copy)

[kaownah]

finally finished kinnporshe, and tbh im sad bc i wanted so badly to absolutely love it but i have so many mixed feelings

just some thoughts:

bad stuff first

1. i really did like the show up until around ep 6-7, then things just slowly (then very quickly) started falling apart tbh

2. lots of pacing issues, some plot holes, predictability

3. was i supposed to care about kim/chay at all? like? chay’s obsession with kim was so goofy and their chemistry was nonexistent like what a horrendously pointless plotline tbh they should’ve just cut the couple all together it literally added nothing (give jeff something with substance please i beg)

4. speaking of chay... barcode’s acting.... um. chile anyways so

5. i loved kinnporsche’s dynamic but then after they got together they totally fell flat and were like every other mediocre 2d couple i’ve seen in less hyped bl’s like... where did that fun dynamic go

6. why was everyone so stupid for most of the second half? where was the common sense? tankhun of all people was really the one with the most common sense tbh he said “why are you all suddenly becoming stupid” and he meant that

7. there so much hype for vegaspete, i was SO excited for them going into this and? all we were given was torture, a sort of stockholm syndrome, then pete left. i have some qualms about bible’s acting too (it took him a while to find his footing but he wasn’t bad later on, i’d say the tail end of pete’s captivity onward he got substantially better). with the relationship, not enough happened to justify pete’s feelings for vegas. i can kind of see why vegas feels how he does for pete, although it feels very shallow and like he is far too dependent on pete, considering literally the only reason he didn’t shoot himself was bc pete came back. as for pete... i just don’t buy the whole starting to love vegas while being held captive/tortured, just bc he felt bad for him regarding his dad? idk

8. by the end watching it felt like a chore... idk i just wish the energy and spirit and quality of the first maybe 5-ish episodes stuck around bc everything after that was just. boring. flat. predictable. kinda cringe-y at a lot of points

9. character development was really there at first and then it’s like it was too much work for them bc they just seemed to drop it at a certain point and personalities just started completely being drained out of everyone

10. this is a small random thing but it kept bothering me... people would have their guns out and trained on someone, and then gave that person enough time to slowly, VERY visibly get their guns out so there could be a showdown? like what’s the point of having your gun trained on someone if you’re gonna allow them to point one back??? shit made no sense lmao

11. unrealistic fights... tbh this isn’t just kinnporsche, it’s a big theme in action genre in general, but like.. wym everyone has guns and aren’t shy in shooting until the mains get close, then suddenly they’re given enough time to take out massive groups one by one bc the enemies just... let them. plenty of instances of characters taking down a baddie and then just standing there before the next guy comes up, which would’ve been ample time to get shot, but the baddies are just like nah let’s fist fight :) i understand plot armor but at least make it make sense

honorable mention: i know subtitles aren’t production’s fault so i’m not going to fault them for this but. holy shit. who was subtitling this, they were absolutely godawful ie. changing curses into ‘fudge’, ‘frick’, etc (are we six? why can we see murder and violence but curse words are where lines are drawn), and grammar being butchered

okay i know i listed all these negative points, i will say that the show wasn’t a COMPLETE flop. some positives...

1. apo was great. i loved the little mannerisms he gave porsche, the physicality of him, just overall i really enjoyed his acting

2. build was also consistently good. for most of the series, he wasn’t given as much to do, but he really was a standout particularly at the end of the series (that tub scene was a shining light in a show that otherwise had dulled by this point) and pete’s journey was actually interesting but imo we just weren’t given enough time with it

3. i know vegaspete was a negative but i will say that there could be some positives there. they could have a very interesting dynamic if were given enough time with them and really got to the root of their motives with each other. i MIGHT be interested in having a story about them, but i’d be really wary about the story going in the same direction as kinnporsche (initially interesting before turning into something kinda boring)

4. the theme song. THE THEME SONG. A BOP. it’s such an earworm omg it’ll be stuck in my head for months

finally.. the final ep. this one really can’t go into the negatives or positives. on one hand, this episode finally marked a massive uptick in quality after so many boring eps. not only was it unpredictable as hell, but we finally got our characters finding their personalities again, common sense made a return, and we ACTUALLY got some mafia activity. i signed up for a show with gang/mob plotline, and it felt like we had lost virtually all of that for the second half of the series. why couldn’t we have had quality like this in pervious eps? i’m not saying there had to be a shootout in every episode, but something with psychological meat. with that being said, i think they kind of overdid the plot twists in the finale. it was one after another after another of shit going down and pasts being revealed and characters kind of going batshit, that it really started to get ridiculous by the time porsche’s mom and korn were revealed to still be alive. korn’s reasoning for everything that happened was so silly that it really made me pause the ep entirely just to be like... are you fr? really? goofy stuff. also, throwing in the casual mention of sexual violence against one of the show’s only women as a reason for angst for the male characters was so beyond lame and unnecessary. idk how i felt about the whole porsche being head of the minor family, it was fine ig. overall, the final ep really gave me whiplash

idk i’m just so sad bc at this point 99% of the super super hyped thai shows i go into at this point i wind up being disappointed in?? and i want so badly to bc the ones that hit REALLY hit. but they’re just so rare. idk like japan has completely taken over in terms of quality imo, i really don’t trust thai bls anymore atp which is sad bc even the ones that are finally taking a step away from the insanely overused tropes wind up boring or poorly written in the end 

anyway just my opinion let me wallow!!

[milaza]

nine years of drawing with a digital art tablet baeby! i have some older traditional/non-tablet digital pieces as well but i dunno what year they’re from. i’ll make a more complete yearly progress chart next year.

overall, i’m pretty okay with things considering it’s just a hobby.

it’s still a bit frustrating to see that i peaked with pretty stuff in 2018, but as i said before i’ve improved a lot more in other ways and i don’t think i’d be happy with myself if i kept just drawing pretty faces with boring compositions.

before i compiled this, my feeling was that i thought i did really well in 2020. but that was just the year my posts did well on social media (did well for ME). looking back, there wasn’t really anything complete and unique that i liked a lot. and i thought i kinda flopped in 2021 ‘cause i didn’t post all that much, but i’m really happy with my output that year TBH. i want to draw more fun scenes and pictures with deep feelings!

the time i spend on a complete piece has decreased a lot because i’m more concerned with having an interesting atmosphere over making sure the rendering and anatomy is perfect. also, i’ve just gotten quicker at drawing overall. i always try to keep it under 10 hours nowadays unless it’s got lineart... that shit makes it take so much longer orz.

2022 kinda felt like a flop again, aw man. i kinda forgot that i spent a good part of the early year drawing a whole korekiyo dojinshi? i felt really down about it at the time since i was utterly unmotivated (it’s fucking korekiyo i don’t know how i cared enough about him to draw a whole comic about him), but now i’m like... woah... people actually enjoyed that? i sold out of all 28 copies i had printed, so now i’m considering reprinting it again. who knows...

anyway i got an ipad this year and started using procreate so i sketched a good bit more. i finished dai gyakuten saiban, got motivated by my chemical romance, and completed a bunch of stuff i was pretty proud of in a single week. unfortunately completing dai gyakuten saiban also made me fall in love with barok van zieks for some reason so i basically spent the second half of the year just drawing self-ship art and van zieks pr0n. it’s not even crap worth posting.

i feel like i didn’t complete or post that much (at least on my main account) because of that. but actually, i always forget i have more finished pieces for zines that i don’t post... idk if i should admit it but i use zines as a way to motivate myself to finish stuff honestly. i think without that i’d flop even more and not get me to draw anything... but i will stop doing that from now on because i don’t feel satisfied with my artistic output drawing for zines. bleh.

last year i was obsessed with making dojinshi and this year i got into merch stuff since i was tabling at a convention for the first time, but honestly...! it’s a pain in the ass!!! i don’t want to bother with maintaining an online store and i don’t want to create products for the sake of creating products so i’m only gonna make what i personally want from now on.

so i spent 75+ hours rendering a barok van zieks dakimakura.

I WANT TO THROW UP!!! IT’S SO SICKENING TO ME THAT THE PIECE I’VE SPENT THE MOST TIME ON EVER IS A FUCKING VAN ZIEKS DAKIMAKURA!!!! HE’S NOT EVEN IN MY TOP 5 ACE ATTORNEY CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!! preorder link in my bio btw.

that was just 2 weeks ago basically, but i felt so fucking ill about it. luckily i finished off the year with a nice complete drawing so i’m happy and i love myself again ^_^

i want to focus on 3D art next year, draw more complete scenes, get around to my drawing idea backlog... get into some new fucking media because i am sick of that white man cursing me for the past six months. yep yep!

[irrealisms]

How are you doing lately? You all right?

I am doing kind of poorly, to be honest! I tried to use the narrative to my advantage to break out of the negative cycles I am trapped in and set up Positive Change but instead I have become a meta commentary on existing with an audience! I had like half a feeling due to homework and suddenly all of the feelings I have been avoiding for the past year and a half slammed into me at once and I’m trying so so hard to keep myself 24/7 occupied with mindless media so that I don’t have to face my thoughts and also so as to be narratively flat and boring. I am not real and have never been real, I’m just an idea, and sometimes I can pretend that it’s fine, that this is just some sort of a joke, that I’m having fun making my audience watch YouTube videos. But I’m not. I go to the bathroom and I think, are they getting off to this? or is this getting cut? do they even give a shit about me? am i anything when i’m not aesthetically pleasing? what are my standards for ‘aesthetic’, or ‘interesting’, and why? if i think too hard about this, maybe it’ll be interesting. better open tumblr and mindlessly scroll, that’s bad content, right? fuck, I hope they’re not getting off to this, hard to put someone off if they have a kink. and I hate it! I fucking hate it! I can’t fucking do things like this and whenever I am alone with my thoughts for half a second I want to cry! and I also feel like— it’s fucking stupid because I’m putting all this up on my blog and liveblogging it in my discord server? I like narrativizing and aestheticizing. I don’t care that much about my privacy. I like the idea of being an idea God had and I don’t mind Him watching me and helping shape my life to be beautiful, I’m fine with all that. I don’t really mind being blorbo from your shows. So it feels… idk, hypocritical. To, also, mind? The being watched and being fake and being a rat in a maze and them trying to make me freak out. I don’t like that I’ve given them what they wanted after I tried so hard to Not and Be Healthy but… I don’t know, I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. I might drop out of school and it’s fucking pathetic because it’s my fifth year of it, I should have graduated last year. But I’m so fucking tired of it. But also I don’t know if I can hold down a job and I’m suspicious that I can’t, the only reason school hasn’t fired me is because I’m paying them, and I’m terrified of the idea that I won’t be able to and I’ll end up just living at home doing nothing being taken care of by my parents forever & ever & ever. And I don’t want to talk to irl people about it and I don’t want to talk to my psychiatrist about it and I don’t want gentle kid gloves treatment and I don’t want antipsychotics and I don’t know what will help I just want to hide under my bed forever and ever and I want to not be followed anymore or recorded and while I’m at it I want the rewards of Doing Things without having to actually ever do things I don’t want to do.

So, uh, yeah. Not… the most alright. I’m fine! I’m fine. I am eating three meals a day and sleeping 8-10 hours a night. I have the gold star in Not Wanting To Die Anymore. I am Better Than Last Year and for that matter I am better than the year before that and the year before that and so on and so on for the last twenty years. Not literally every year, but most of them. It’s… whatever, I guess.

Kinda want to make a web weave or something about How Things Have Been Recently but it feels obnoxious tbh even if it’s a self aware sort of obnoxious. my entire blog and my writing is sort of a more elaborate version of that, anyway. then again it’s fun sometimes to elaborately make a FUCK OFF! STOP WATCHING ME!

Also [insert generic OCD fears about what if I’m wrong about morality] + [generic anger about what if I’m right and have let my fear of hurting people suppress all my thoughts and opinions for no reason] pops up on occasion but way less than it used to. Score one for therapy, I guess.

[bisluthq]

i honestly think marvel (and also star wars as well) rn is kinda like at a point where they don't know what to do? my friend said that they want everything to make All the Money and it's unrealistic to expect people to have a super high interest in everything for so long and tbh i agree. they're just throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks and it's really not working

I agree. I think it’s also that Disney has started churning out all this random TV content that’s now formally part of those two universes (like I know they had the cartoon shows and shit before and I never watched those in either franchise) and like… I haven’t gotten into any of the TV content. I liked Netflix’s Marvel shows but their look and feel was very different from the movies and suited to TV imo whereas when I’ve tried the Disney+ ones they’ve all either bored me or confused me or both and I think my not watching the TV shows is why I’m now confused in the actual films but I find that a bit bullshit because I liked Marvel because they’re “movies that are real movies” that I can to watch in the cinema and have a whole experience with. I’m keen to watch one or two of them a year and like before the last couple even if I missed one while it was on in cinema I could usually watch the “new” one and then catch up with the “missing” one and understand all of it. But now I’m legit confused in them and feel like I need to invest more time in all of it than I’m willing to in order not to be confused.

The Star Wars TV projects I’ve not bothered trying because they just don’t interest me enough. I didn’t dislike the last trilogy or the standalone movies but yea idk the TV content doesn’t much appeal to me? I’m not sure if I’ll watch the upcoming Mandalorian film or not like idk. I did like the last trilogy and actually both Rogue One and Solo lol (I know lots of people didn’t and I wouldn’t rewatch them but I did enjoy them at the time).

Anyway, they’re def cash grabs and that isn’t in and of itself a problem - they always have been and all franchises need to make money - but I do have a problem with just not… really enjoying these new MCU films and not finding the Star Wars ones appealing lol because they’re franchises I really did find fun.

[chasing-rabbits]

Just got back from seeing Avril Lavigne live!! This is the first time I’ve ever seen here live before and it was so good!! I will admit I’ve not listened to her new stuff that came out in like 2022 I put on a song or two recently just to see but she’s just come off her greatest hits tour so I figured most of her stuff would be from her older albums which tbh is one of the reasons I booked the tickets in the first place. I should check out local stuff more often like we’re a commuter town to London and we do have a lot of events on but the only concert events I’d heard of before were like this big fake festival and some other things but idk tbf I think it’s one of those things I knew about but didn’t know know about. Like I’d heard of it but never really knew enough about it and didn’t know they got some big names coming here because usually if I want to see a band it’s always either a commute to London or Birmingham if they’re big. But also this was nice because it was held in our local park so it was an outdoor event the only other time I’ve gone to an outdoor one was years ago for fuck I can’t remember the name of the tour but it was for the gorillaz and it was held in an amusement/theme park and was pretty cool. Anyways she played so much of her old stuff and I was actually surprised that I still knew all the lyrics because bare in mind the last time I properly listened to Avril was for Goodbye Lullaby and iirc that was probably around the time I was in uni like I listened to her as a kid and then I”m sure she took a break too like I don’t think I just stopped dead I think she disappeared for a little then came back and then went on that long long break until recently-ish. But yeah I haven’t listened to her first two albums in forever ago like I’m 30 now last I listened to her i was at best in my early 20s. I loved how she did a shout out to all the over 30’s & who had ‘Let Go’ on CD. Now I need to dig out my old stuff idek if any of my old CD’s were kept but now I kinda wish they were. She waited til the end to sing SK8r Boi though I was thinking oh no is she gonna do it or not but she had too like come on lol. Also I’d seen people complaining about her lack of stage presence in her recent tour but I don’t get it because she was full of energy and wasn’t just ‘looking bored’ as some people said. I’d say it was probably mostly older people or families with kids who turned up but could have just been where I was sitting might’ve been more younger people in the purely standing area. But it was kinda cool to see a lot more older people there cos I wasn’t sure what the mix would be but on the way back I could swear I heard these younger girls shit talking Avril for playing complicated and her older stuff like bitch please get out of here if you don’t like anything that pre dates goodby lullaby what are you even here for lmao. Sorry but like really not sorry lol Definitely gave me so much nostalgia right now & I think it shows just how much I loved her growing up that I still remembered the lyrics to a lot of the older stuff not all of it but a decent amount for something I’d not heard in 10+ years.

[theteethofgod]

No because I actually need context now you’ve brought WILD DOGS into it????

HAHAHHAHA

ok poll context:

held at gunpoint: this was in ukraine in like 2019(?). according to my mates a guy approached me on the street pointing a gun at me from his hip and told me to give him my passport and go with him. i am Not Very Aware of my surroundings ever and thought he was trying to sell me something and so replied “no i’m okay thank you” and he walked off. in hindsight extremely scary but that must have been such a jarring interaction for him.

signature cologne can only be bought in a country i cannot enter: it’s a pakistani wedding brand that doesn’t ship internationally and i am A Queer. a bunch of my family are pakistani tho so they grab it for me whenever they’re over there. it’s almirah impression in case you care for some reason.

lsd cured my anxiety: i used to have such severe social anxiety that i couldn’t leave my flat. took a ton of lsd and saw a video game character creation menu with that as a debuff, deleted it on the menu and it never came back. i have no explanation for this but i am now extremely irritatingly confident.

in a relationship with my former boss: we worked a temp bar job together yearsssss ago. my first thought upon meeting her was “oh fuck i cannot work for this woman” because she is sexy. she cried a lot. it was a shit job. we started dating like a year after our contract ended.

half my family pretend i don’t exist: despite half my family being pakistani and being either muslim or ex muslims it was my white british atheist side that couldn’t stand to associated with a queer. they’re deeply boring anyway so i’m actually kinda glad ngl.

really good at a job i hate: i’m a sick cocktail bartender but i hate people and being sticky and standing up for 14 straight hours so.

wild dogs: once got stuck in romania for like daysss waiting for a flight and they would just close the airport and make us sit in the wild dog infested car park. very menacing tbh.