#tbh this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks because it is so stupid and incoherent but hsdklfh it's fine

[behoright]

long distance friendship with andrei svechnikov

uhhhh here's a little blurb! yall can thank @ryanpulock for this. it was just too much and needed to be shared soooorry it's so long.

warnings: haven't really proofread this I freaked out the whole time. fluffy fluffy fluffy a tiny bit of angst.

◌ ◯ ✽◌ ◯ ✽

you met when you’re both teenagers when he began playing for the lumberjacks

he obv had a crush on you but he couldn’t really speak english

you were always around the rink and at practice and stuff bc of a family member of yours so he saw you a lot

saw you do homework and stuff at the rink and he would try and talk to you or see if you could help him with english 

you helped him A LOT bc you’d be one of the last ones there and so was he so you’d hang out a lot

but you were only teenagers and you had your own lil life at your high school and stuff

eventually he went to the OHL and it was heartbreaking for the both of you tbh

he had never been more excited to move up but the second thought he had was that he wasn’t going to see you everyday anymore

same with you but you both played it off

the last night before he leaves you hang out until late and he promises you he won’t forget or stop talking to you

“even when you make it to the nhl and become a big shot?”

“never, y/n”

sdjkfhkdjvh

and so it begins

the constant constant texting

silly snapchats and you send each other memes on instagram 

he’s too shy to ask you to facetime so he doesn’t

until draft day 

dude one of the best days of his life

and on top of that - he gets a facetime call from YOU

he makes sure his hair looks good before he answers djfksljf

you were afraid that now he would forget about you but as soon as he gets to raleigh you become even closer

he never fails to send you good morning texts and snapchats

he never sends good nights tho and thats because he never wants to stop talking to you

he’d rather tell you “i fell asleep lol” instead of saying goodbye

facetime becomes the norm on his second season w the canes

it ebbs and flows when you get a boyfriend

and tbh he says hes happy for you but hes not

and he doesn't understand why because he hasn’t seen you since you were 17 and you both had a silly teenage crush

also he has every single girl available and sometimes he’d tell you about it to see if you get jealous but you don’t seem to (even though you do)

he knows he has to find another way to distract himself now that you have a boyfriend you can’t facetime him as much

gets a girlfriend 

but things turn sour faster than he expected

if you’re having any relationship problems you always tell him and so he does too

it doesn’t get very far tho because the only advice you both have for each other is 

“break up with him”

“break up with her”

and you’re both too stupid to see what’s really going on but the distance doesn’t help

you finally decide to see each other during the summer and you meet each other’s significant others and 

oh boy

she HATES your guts and she’s so condescending

“oH mY gOd iS thIs yOuR bEsTiE bAbE? OH yOu’Re sOOOOO cUTe!”

ugh

same with him 

andrei is surrounded by toxic relationships and unfortunately toxic masculinity so he sees right through your boyfriend

he tells you after

“I don’t trust him, y/n”

you don’t know but its the beginning of the end for both of your relationships

after that, you both spend a week of his summer together before he goes to train in russian and its 

so fun

except for the fact that your horrible partners are both always there so you both feel like you can’t relax bc they’d get insecure

at the end of the summer he breaks up with her bc he seriously cannot shake off how she treated you and also bc she was just not it

and surprise surprise your boyfriend cheats on you during the fall

you call him in hysterics crying sobbing

youve been friends for a long time and know each other very well but he’s actually never seen you cry

he just sits and listens to you talk and vent makes sure you feel really validated

you stay on facetime for a long long time that night even if he has a game tomorrow

and the day after he calls you while he’s driving to the arena

you’re in bed with your blinds shut even though its 3 pm 

“I going to score for you tonight, you’ll see. Trust me.”

and score he does

he tries to find the camera as soon as he scores and everyone including his teammates are like ???

but he winks at it and points at it 

you know its for you

calls you AS SOON AS THE GAME IS OVER

“you see? I told you! I told you I’d do it for you!”

and thats when you realize you really like this man

you call and text even more somehow

facetime all the time 

the season has its highs and lows and 

on most roadies he can’t wait to just get to his hotel room to talk to you

he tells you whenever he’s taking off or landing

you’ll send him snaps of you watching the game whether alone or with your friends 

you literally never miss one

you share locations at some point and he will never say it but he checks on you all the time

breaks his heart a little when he sees you’re over at someone’s house 

same with you wherever he’s at a club or something but oh well

you’re just friends and have to live your lives

but still no one takes up as much time as you do

even if its for 5-10 minutes he’d facetime you

your roommate thinks its fucking annoying that you stay up so late just talking

and what a cute texter he is

“good luck on your test!”

“i saw this and i thought of you”

sdkjfhksjfhskdjchksd

he ships one of his jerseys to your dorm 

anytime there’s a limited edition piece of merch he’ll always send you one

on your birthday he sends you matching beaded bRACELETS

and you see he always always wears it

theres a point where the season gets freaking hard and andrei is so frustrated

you answer the phone but it looks like it’s just been placed on the nightstand

“Drei?”

“hi, y/n”

and his voice is all choked up and sniffly

“I want to talk to you but I’m just. I’m so tired and I can’t take it today. I’m sorry” and there’s a little sob in there

you reassure him and eventually he opens up 

even though he can’t show his face because he’s embarrassed and he doesn’t want you to see him like this

“to be honest, it’s so lonely. I feel alone in the room at the end of the day and I feel guilty because this is my dream.”

you talk him through what he’s feeling and how to feel better

he grabs the phone and you see his face all red and puffy. you can tell he was crying really hard before he called you

“I’m sorry I look so bad” he says as he rubs his eyes and his face HELLA HARD bc he’s a boy

“You look great, svech” 

And his heart melts oh it melts so hard

You don’t tell him but you saved up enough to fly out and one day you just show up at practice 

Thankfully he was too busy to check your location lol

He’s ELATED

literally drops his stick and gloves and just skates towards you so fast

“Oh so this is who you’re texting all the time”

You spend the weekend together 

He cancels your hotel stay so you can stay with him 

He loves to have you around and debates kissing you when you go out with the team

But he’s too nervy so he doesn’t 

When he drops you off at the airport he tears up a bit and hugs you for a long long time 

“I going to miss you, that’s all”

“I love you”

Calls you after you’re past security lol

He tells you he wants you to come out every weekend

And you both laugh but he’s low key serious 

Ever since you went to visit him last you both say I love you ALL the time

Whenever they play in your city he comes and visit you 

He accidentally stays in your dorm once you guys cuddle and fall asleep talking 

No matter the distance you become closer and closer 

See each other for the holidays :)

Still no one is making any moves even though you are VERY touchy 

And tbh neither of you seeing anyone else bc you’re both so busy w your jobs/college

It’s so easy to talk to each other bc it’s all online 

No one uses snap anymore so he’d just send you selfies 😭😭

Sometimes when he’s reviewing video he’d FaceTime you to just have you there

Same whenever you’re just doing homework 

There’s been times that he’s at the rink late and you’re doing school work late and he just props his phone up while you both do your thing even though he’s ON THE ICE

Keeps his AirPods in so he can hear you talk to him 

You have movie nights together and do screen sharing

You decide to surprise him bc you have some 

Big news 

And he’s been in a HUGE scoring drought 

You know it’s taking a toll on him bc he literally tells you everything 

Every SINGLE thing

You surprise him when he’s doing morning workout w the team

They let you in because everyone knows you now he doesn’t shut up about you shows them pics of you always on the phone 

And he’s SWEATY but he runs to you and picks you up in a big bear hug spins you around 

He’s so so happy he really needed this especially after you guys talked SO much during the dads trip (since his dad couldn’t make it and all) 

He keeps looking for you in the stands and during warm up just keeps skating past you and tapping the glass and puts his face up to it and shfhfjxbdchfjbfdn

he gets out of his scoring drought SO quickly in the 1st

Scores twice, is on hatty watch, has the best game ever

Whenever he’s on the bench he thinks about how he got his mojo back literally the day you got to Raleigh

Like this has to do with you

*superstition unlocked*

Gets first star and skates up to you to bang on the glass before throwing the puck to some kids next to you

Mouths “go to the locker room” before skating to Hannah

When you go see him he’s all sweaty and gross and shirtless, his hockey pants still on and all 

“You did so good! You did amazing, Andrei!” 

He runs and hugs you so tightly into his chest 

whispers into your hair

“because of you. It happened because of you.” 

before giving you the game puck 

What he doesn’t know yet is that you came to visit to tell him that you got into an internship in Raleigh and will be moving there in a couple of months 👀👀

[waynes-multiverse]

Multiverse News: Week 1

Greetings, fellow travelers! It’s your favorite hot mess speaking! 🖖

In the new year, I wanted to make an effort to share more about my writing progress and give you guys better (and hopefully, weekly) updates on some of my WIPs that I’ve been working on during that time.

So, for the curious among you, it’s a great opportunity to get some insight, and for me, it’s awesome because I get to share some of my excitement about current projects with you guys. And you know the rules here, questions are not only allowed but welcomed. Let me know if you like this idea and if we should continue it. In the future, I could also add fic recs of what I read that week if that would be something you’re interested in. So, without further ado, let’s get started! 🖤

Fine print: Updates may contain small spoilers, which are announced in italics! 😜

Series Updates:

DBM: Finished three chapters this week. Spoilers: First part takes place in the reader’s past with chosen moments throughout the first three seasons. The chapters are called: Lemons, Salt, Tequila. Cas and Jack also finally make appearances 😇

TBH: Finished up and ready to go up until 30. I still hate them. They keep sacrificing themselves and dying or do something insanely stupid. They won’t cooperate with me, but I’ve worked out quite a few kinks! 💪

PH: Finished until 18. Oooooooh, do I love writing this thing! Spoilers: Intense jealousy and anger management problems in parts 17 and 18. God, they’re idiots! Also, have I mentioned the smut in 13 and 14? 🔥 No? Well, there you go…

Planned Miniseries:

Cast Away: So excited for this one! It’s a hate to love, with one part already being piningly in love, and everything happens on a deserted island because of a stupid witch spell (haha cast away… Get it now? 😂). Also, there might be some Peter Pan elements in this. Be surprised (and if you send me an ask about it, I might send you snippets of the first part) 😉

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You, Baby: This is actually a part two to a Jensen x Reader one-shot I did in June. I said back then that I want more of them, and I still do. This has been sitting in my drafts for months again. Edited so many times I can’t even count and still not finished. But I had one final idea on how to fix what I don’t like, so we’ll see. I’m quite happy with the direction it’s taking 🙃

Upcoming One-Shots:

Mercilessly: Demon!Dean x Soulmate!Reader fic. Not gonna spoil too much about it because it’s posting soon for a challenge 😈

Everything I Wanted: The alternate ending to On The Beach aka the one I deleted because it was depressing, angsty and devastating. Anyways, who wants their hearts to be broken? (Also, I titled it after the Billie Eilish song because the lyrics and video always make me fucking bawl my eyes out 😭)

[izzabeean]

Chapter 12 : You’ve Got A Way

pairing : fushiguro toji x fem!reader

warnings/tags : 18+, alternate universe - office, eventual romance, explicit language.

genre : angst + fluff + smut

word count : 1,841

a/n : hi everyone! I am currently suffering, because I realized we are more than halfway through this series and my mind hasn't fully accepted the fact - tbh I thought it'd be writing this series forever. this has become more of a slow burn than I initially drafted it to be, but let's be real y'all, I'm a sucker for the chemistry that ignites between two people before they get together. so get comfy and enjoy this chapter because the next is going to be a game changer (sorry to tease about it, I'm just excited to write it).

hopefully this will help y'all get through the week (it definitely did for me!) xx

18+ minors dni!!!

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The dark room floods Toji in a state of melancholy treachery. Is it safe to assume hiding from the real world is the perfect antidote to the goal that just slipped from his fingers? Or perhaps he should continue to drink his frustration away until his wallet is penny less. He’s always been and always will be a failure.

He shifts in his bed to see a peak of sunlight streaming through the closed curtains. God, his head hurt so much. Even the dimmed rays shoot a sharp pain to his temples – the perfect sign to close his eyes and sleep it off. Or maybe he needs another drink. Who knows. No answer can ever be correct in this state of mind he will forever live in. This is  exactly what he gets for trying to live an honest life. But it wasn't even that honest, since he took the fall for something he never did...

It’s all the same shit day, in and day out, and of course, he was so  stupid  to think that things would be different now. They weren’t. Never would be. He’s only been spared from what could have been worse though.  You  could've made him so much worse. And yet you’re still on his mind even after the last uncomfortable interaction.

He can’t show his face back at the office, could he? Not when the last look you gave him was something between dreadful and disappointing. Though he considers himself to be both of those things, you didn’t even utter a word to him as he left. He’d hope you’d come up with some kind of witty charismatic statement, just anything instead of silence.

But honestly, maybe you were just as weak as he was. Maybe, just maybe your intention to push him to finish that project was just a way to move towards a more notable position in the company. You never actually cared about his success, you were just pushing him to make him more miserable.

And yet, he still wants to see you again.

Things were always cut too short between the two of you and it made Toji just want to be around you more. It was spineless of him, yes. Somehow he didn’t really care. He felt like he was getting to know the woman you truly are and he liked it. A lot in fact.

Is it weird to think you two could have gotten somewhere? Especially since you'd exposed another side of yourself to him. He thought he had you, that you'd be like putty in his hands. And the day he got fired, he really swore that if Kaito didn't interrupt the two of you, something could have happened. Something he's been long awaiting.

The subtle noise of Toji’s phone vibrates in the background. He turns to take a look at who’s name is illuminating the screen. It’s Kong. Frankly, Toji hasn’t even spoken to him since the incident, he’s been ignoring his calls, hoping in time Kong will take the hint. But he’s a lot more stubborn than Toji remembers and he feels himself start to give in.

With a sigh, he leans over to answer the call.

  It didn’t take Toji too much convincing to get out of bed when Kong persuades him with a couple of drinks. So here he is, sitting at the bar, already starting on his first drink. He wasn’t so keen on going to Suki’s in the first place, wanting to stay as far away from his old office as he possibly could. But there’s a part of him that hopes that he will run into you. 

“Fushiguro,” Kong’s voice booms. “Thought you’d never show your face again.”

Toji's eyes snap quickly over to Kong who is standing with his briefcase slung over his shoulder.

“Can’t get rid of me that easily,” Toji says with a chuckle. He also can't so easily get rid of you constantly racing in his mind as he looks behind Kong wondering if you’d be there. He wished his brain never went there cause that tinge of hope just blossomed into more disappointment.

Toji slams the rest of his drink back, not even taking a beat while Kong takes a seat beside him. He lets out a relieved sigh as the sound of the glass hits the bar, eyes searching for the bartender. 

“You already owe me one,” Toji says before ordering his next drink. 

Kong orders the exact same carefully scanning Toji and Toji can feel his judgment. As he watches the drink being made, his eyes grow hungrier and hungrier by the second, craving the warm embrace of alcohol.

“You ok?” Kong asks taking a newly made drink into his hands, gaze locked onto Toji.

“‘The fuck you talkin’ about?" He dodges the question and picks up the glass swirling it before taking a sip.

"Just pace yourself, ok?" Kong chimes in, the sound of concern wearing in his voice.

"Believe me, I’ve paced myself enough," Toji fires back.

“Just enough until you got yourself fired?” A voice barges into the conversation. 

Toji turns his head to see the person behind the voice who very quietly sits beside him. And to his surprise it’s you. You clear your throat before calling out for the bartender, but you didn’t need to as he was already there. The glimmering look in the bartender's eyes only gazes upon you whilst the rest of the patrons get a neutral stare. You’re a good-looking lady, how could no one look at you in that way? So why is this good-looking lady sitting beside a disappointment?

“You know I’d take you for a liar, but the stunt you pulled is a new look for you,” you continue, eyes forward, not even interested in looking his way.

“Didn’t take you for a stalker type,” Toji interjects, ignoring your comment. “Thought I was the one with that title.”

“Pft, who even comes to a bar so close to the job they got fired from?”

“I actually asked him to meet me here,” Kong interrupts, making his presence known to you. 

Quickly, you snap your head over your eyes darting to Kong first, then to Toji. But your eye contact isn’t long as you seem to be quite embarrassed gazing into the deep emeralds of his soul.

“It’s funny ‘cause I don’t really see you around here,” Toji inquires leaning in closer. “Did ya come lookin’ for someone?”

“Fu– Now aren’t we feeling cocky?” You hiss. “Just for that… I think you owe me a drink.”

“How about you owe me a drink for the hell ya put me through.”

“Excuse me?”

“For making me start a project over when I could’ve just been fired a long time ago.”

“So, you didn’t lie about your indecency?”

Silence stifles between the two, as Kong slowly rises from his chair mumbling that he will be going out for a smoke, noting he didn’t want to be involved in a lovers quarrel. 

Lovers quarrel.

Now isn’t that optimistic thinking, to actually be in a quarrel with the one you love? But this wasn’t  love  . Nah. Toji wasn’t someone to dive into that weak emotion. This was more than just a subsequent plunge to the heart of unrequited intensity. No, this was much more devious than that. A passion that runs through his veins, he can only long for it as the days go by. It’s pleasant and shallow, nothing deep or it will swallow him whole. It had to be  lust . Wanting you so bad that his bones ache, no temporary relief can subside his frustration besides the idea of fucking you silly beneath him. Holding you down with all his strength, just so he can unravel the growing need to expel inside you. 

Like a predator watching his prey, Toji’s eyes dim while a smirk creeps on his lips. “Didn’t realize you’d get so worked up over me.”

“Pft, you’re just drunk,” You snap. 

“Are you  that upset that I got fired?” He leans in closer to you.

“God, you smell like booze.”

“Why don’t you drop the act,” he says. Nonchalant, in fact, as if he’s rehearsed this one hundred times in his head. But he hadn’t. He can feel his heart beating so hard he swears you can hear it. “It’s obvious we are both after the same thing.”

It’s obvious you know what he means. Yet, you still put on a stern look. Where’s the bashfulness he saw written on your face like the other day?  

“And what would that be?” You smirk.

“C’mon, are you going to make me say it?”

You don’t say a word, neither of you is willing to say it, instead, you both continue to gaze into each other's eyes, listening to the ambiance of the bar and the clinking of glasses.

“Fushiguro.” You say, breaking the silence. Anticipation rises in his chest as you lean in closer as if you’re contemplating something. He doesn’t know if he wants to know.

So he answers with a firm kiss on the lips. It’s so deep and longing and fiery that some may have taken notice in the bar of the public display of affection. It was a promiscuous one, a passionate one, and all the stars aligned in that one moment. He didn't think this is all he wanted, of course, he needed more. He needed you. And it had to be now.

But you retract back into your seat, bringing your drink to your lips again and taking a long sip.

Toji says your name. You look at him again, swallowing the drink hard. 

“You don’t know what you’re doing,” you say.

He pauses. The words seemed to jab at him all at once. It still echoes in his mind and he admits it could be that he’s nearly falling apart, yet he really wants you. So yes, drinking and sleeping all day may not be the ultimate treatment to cure his undeniable curse, but maybe you are.

Getting up from your seat, you throw cash on the bar and don’t say anything more. He finds himself frozen as he watches you walk away and out of the bar.

He frowns, staring at your half-empty glass of alcohol, wondering if he’d read into everything wrong this entire time. He’s never been rejected, so the pit in his stomach makes him feel uneasy about the outcome of his actions.

His eyes seem to wander down the bar stopping at a woman sitting alone finishing up her drink. It’s been a while since he’s got laid and somehow the opportunity tasted a bit sweeter down on his luck. Maybe it wasn’t the brightest of ideas, but as he throws back the rest of the smokey liquor, his eyes fade at the ingestion of what he only hopes can shut the guilt of a one-night stand. He wishes he didn’t have to do this. He wishes he could just continue drinking, but his cock seems to steer him wrong.

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tags: @brumous11 @cosmotoic @slurptheskinoffshiggysfatdick @gojosoath​ @miraes-world​ @almondespresso​​​​

if you wish to be tagged, please comment on the masterpost (I’m sorry if I miss anyone, please send a dm if I do).

[enblvsh]

˗ˏˋ enhypen when they feel clingy around other members ´ˎ˗

a/n: sorry for disappearing! my classes are starting to give me a lot more assignments and i actually have a project that i haven't even started on due in two weeks ;-; luckily, i'm on break now :D and i also have a few pieces in the drafts that are currently being worked on! hopefully they will be uploaded for you guys soon ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

──────────────────────────────

heeseung ₊˚.༄

↳ personally, i feel like heeseung isn't big on pda. he doesn't mind it, but definitely prefers to show his love in private. while you were helping the maknaes with a task, hee would just admire you from afar, and something must've triggered something in him because now he feels all clingy ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) when you were finished, hee would wrap his arms around your shoulders, with a subtle pout and doe eyes.

"something wrong, hee?" you asked.

"i want your love. right now."

and ofc he gets what he wants, and you guys disappear into his room and cuddle.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

jay ₊˚.༄

↳ jay had been missing you a lot lately so he asked you to come over for a movie night with the others. during the movie, jay would just keep you close to his side with his hand over yours, caressing it. wouldn't do anything too major since he didn't want the others to see him being all in love and whipped for you (although the urge to just attack you with his love was really strong (੭˃ᴗ˂)੭) when the others fell asleep, jay would pull you even closer or into his lap, holding you close and tight while peppering kisses on your cheeks and/or temples. also rests his (fore)head against yours (╥﹏╥) it's just so intimate and adorable ugh-

jake ₊˚.༄

↳ oh me oh my this boy is not afraid to show it. to him, there's nothing to be ashamed of. the moment you stepped foot into the house, he is already running towards you, capturing you in his arms and showering you with so so many kisses ՞ ⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝ ՞⸜ ♡ ⸝ while trying to help jay prepare dinner, jake would cling onto you with his chest resting against your back, placing so many soft chaste pecks onto your shoulder >///< and when you all gathered in the living room to hangout afterwards, jake would sit close to you with his arms wrapped around your waist. he'd have his head resting on your shoulder, and would occasionally fall into your lap when you all laugh over something stupid. i can also see him randomly whip his head towards you and bring his face close to yours. tbh this boy is always clingy, it doesn't matter when, where, or who you were with. help i'm so lonely ( ;´ - `;)

sunghoon ₊˚.༄

↳ another member i don't think is a huge fan of pda. but when the man is clingy, he simply can't help it (っ- ‸ - ς) his favorite form of pda is anything that has to do with your hands. while the o2z talked to one another, sunghoon would be busy playing with your hands, interlocking his fingers with yours, giving your fingers a little massage, caressing your hand, all of it. he may even lay a soft peck on the back of your hand, but it's a quick peck so the others don't catch him. you watched him admiringly, simply adoring him and fangirling inside on how cute he was >:( the farthest he'll go in terms of pda is leaning his head on your shoulder, but that's it. despite his wish to just go full on clingy and affectionate (bc lets be honest, you both loved it when he was), sunghoon is still very cautious, he's not tryna get teased by the others (ᴗ_ ᴗ。). trust me however, the moment you two are alone, he is not leaving your side or letting you leave his.

"you need to use the bathroom? hm, i don't care, you're staying."

sunoo ₊˚.༄

↳ reee i love the idea of this cutie being clingy cause it's just unbearably adorable >:((( sunoo is just a naturally bubbly and clingy person, EVERYONE knew this. but oh boy this little sunshine can get up to a million times clingier when it comes to you (in fact he always is, but it's sunoo so you never complain ♡( ◡‿◡ ) always greets you with a big hug, nuzzling his head against yours. if he saw you occupied with helping another member with something, he would hug you from behind, asking you what you were doing. honestly, sunoo is always touching you in any sort of way. wether that's hugging you, holding your hand, it doesn't matter, there's just something about your skin on his that he loves. also ask for a lot of kisses. cheek kisses, forehead kisses, don't matter he just wants it. if the members tease him/fake gags at you two, he would become so sassy.

"you'll know what it's like when you find a s/o. well, IF you ever find one."

jungwon ₊˚.༄

↳ for him, he either tries to make it seem YOU are the clingy one, or he doesn't care to show his need for your love. times where he felt tired or down are when he doesn't mind to ask. he'll ask you to kiss him, hold him-- basically whatever he wanted he will ask for it. he didn't mind if the others were there since all he wanted and needed was to be comforted. and they usually don't mind or acknowledge it either, knowing how hardworking wonnie is :( or if this boy was feeling playful, he will turn it around on you >:)

"aw, is my y/n feeling clingy? fine, fine, i will give my tiny baby my undivided attention."

why you may ask? it gives him an excuse to show his affection when he doesn't want to come off as clingy/wants to mess with you. plus, its fun to see you all sulky >:) long story short; wonnie's way of dealing with his clinginess depends on his mood.

riki (ni-ki) ₊˚.༄

↳ yeah you'll never catch riki being clingy in front of the others. he's still young, so he thinks it's kinda weird and embarrassing, or atleast while the other members were around. (speaking of, traditional pda is a big no <3) his way of asking you for attention is by annoying the crap out of you. he'll be constantly tugging at your arm, making dramatic facial expressions, attempts of scaring you, anything to drive you insane he will do. his main goal is for you to come to him (sort of? in a way.)

"riki, what do you want?"

"your attention >:)"

"you could've just asked."

"haha- yeah you'll never catch me doing that. not even in private-"

──────────────────────────────

a/n: thank you so much for reading! if you have any request for any of the groups i write for (check my main masterlist to see who), i highly encourage you to leave them in my inbox, and i will try my best to get to them! have an amazing rest of your day/evening/night! x

[heybeybey]

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

Pairing: Rivetra | Levi x Petra

Summary: Forced to retire from the Scouts due to a major injury, Levi thinks he'll be spending the rest of his days in domestic solitude. Petra, however, has another idea.

Loosely based on The Way of the Househusband.

Or: Captain Petra x Househusband Levi canonverse AU

AO3 Link

A/N: Okay I've had this outlined for WEEKS (no ending in mind tho) but I never got around to actually drafting it. But....... I had some time this morning and the inspiration after seeing this post so yay.

Thanks to @sleeperswakewriting for introducing me to The Way of the Househusband. It's cute and funny and DEFINITELY RIVETRA in another universe.

This is going be a drabble series btw but no assurance on when I'll be updating each chapter (My Royalty AU draft is glaring at this fic rn tbh). Some chapters will be based on the Netflix show but Levi's condition is a bit different from Tatsu's so it'll probably be loosely based at best.

And yes, the title is from the song My Girl. But I like this version since I think it fits Petra the most :3

Also also, we all know deep down that Levi wants to be a househusband so here you go.

- - -

Chapter 1: The Ceremonies

There was a time when his mind wandered to how his career in the Scouts would end. Levi always thought he'd die on the battlefield, just as he witnessed among his comrades. He'd accepted that reality, sometimes even waiting for it despite his will to continue fighting on.

For some reason, retiring has never crossed his mind.

"Honorably discharged due to major leg injury, incomplete spinal cord injury, and loss of right eyesight."

He can still hear the pity and sadness from Erwin's voice from that day in the hospital when they talked over where he will go from there. The doctors mentioned that his spine will heal over time, but his leg is broken way beyond repair. It's worse enough that amputation was considered at one point. He'd be good as titan food should he retain his current position in the scouts.

At first, he wanted to scream. He wasn't the type to show some outwardly emotion (except for when he's beating down new recruits or the three males in his squad) but being a part of the Survey Corps is what gave this shit of a life some meaning after he was pulled out of the underground.

Frankly, he didn't know what's next.

"Hey, Captain." Petra's sweet voice snapped Levi out of his thoughts and he forces himself to get out of his bad mood. This was her day and he'd be damned if he ruins it for her.

Levi takes her in and the corner of his lip quirks up. He feels pride fill his chest as his eyes strays a bit on the insignia freshly pinned on her uniform.

"I think I should be the one calling you that, Ral." He replies. "Congratulations."

Wheelchair-bound for what may be the rest of his life, Levi and his squad had to sit down and talk over what's next for the Scout's elites. The obvious choice was Eld, but Levi and the rest of the team were surprised when the blonde man turned down the promotion. He says that while he had the leadership skills and the years of experience that makes him more than qualified, he knew that he didn't have the same burning dedication to the cause as much as he'd witnessed in others.

Eld said that he'd be glad to support the next team captain instead. Oluo, while skilled, had often been too focused on his kill count. Gunther has a strategic mind but didn't really have the charm to bring people together.

So they all turned their attention to Petra.

To be honest, Levi had always wanted to promote Petra as his second-in-command. However, Scout regulations demanded a certain number of years that she didn't have yet at the time he first chose his elite squad. He'd never had a problem with Eld, but his and Petra's ability to synchronise on the battlefield is the reason why he'd always turned to her when he needed a second hand.

It makes sense in his eyes and to the rest of the team, even when Erwin and the other soldiers were doubtful of his choice. They've seen how ferocious Petra is during expeditions, but still had the heart to cry alongside her dying comrades. She's kind and helpful, but knows when a hard decision is needed to be made. She'd pitched in her ideas and opinions every time she accidentally passed by the officers' meeting sessions (she always brought them tea so she sometimes hear the conversations). This was often met with a surprised look from her higher-ups but having worked with Petra for quite some time, Levi would just smirk at his fellow veterans.

She's still rough around the edges and she definitely still has more room to improve, but the potential is there. He wouldn't have chosen her as part of his team in the first place if he didn't see that fire.

He wasn't surprised that Eld, Gunther and Oluo supported her, even when Petra was terrified to accept such a responsibility. Levi was firm in his decision.

In the end, Erwin stamped on his approval.

Levi was the one who pinned the insignia on her signifying her new position during today's pinning-on ceremony.

- - -

"Hey, Captain!"

"I think you should stop calling me that, Petra."

"Sorry. Habit." The ginger blushes slightly as she steps closer inside the apartment, basket in hand. "I bought something for you."

She brings out a few fruits from the basket, laying it down on the dining table in his humble apartment. "The farmer's market was on sale today and I had the chance to pass by before they closed."

"You didn't have to buy me all these, Petra."

"I had to use my pay raise for something, Captain," she jests. He wheels himself towards her to assist her with unloading the basket and they both work in silent contentment.

"So, how's your first day?" Levi asks after washing the fruits. Petra's face lights up at his question and the whole room seems to come alive as she chatters on.

"Holy Maria, Captain. I didn't know the team can be this stupid. No wonder you had dark eyebags after training us for years!"

- - -

It's been three months since he resigned from the Scouts. The new captain never fails to come home to the apartment he's renting near the Scout HQ everyday.

Come home? Tch. How delusional can you get.

He'd welcome her back every expedition and every training day. A part of him feels a bit of guilt gnaw on him when he sees how tired Petra is whenever she comes home, thinking of the time when he was her direct commanding officer.

"Captain, can I sleep here tonight?"

Now, he sees the sorrow and fatigue in her eyes. "You're always welcome here, Petra."

He offers to give up his bed for the night but she declines, saying that she'll be fine on the couch. She's unnaturally quiet, but he knows that this is how she typically is after expeditions.

They're both on the couch right now and she snuggles closer to him. Levi motions for her to lay her head on his lap, their boundaries thinning with every single visit.

He's quiet when he sees the tears start to fall from her eyes. Soon, Petra's sobbing and she wraps her arms desperately around him. His hand starts to slowly run through her ginger locks, hoping it gives her some comfort.

"She was the last in my and Oluo's batch." She starts, voice shaking and he gives her space to talk and mourn her comrade. "I wanted to save her... but it was either her or compromise the mission. I had to give the order."

"I'm sorry." Because if someone understands her better, it's him.

- - -

"Levi?"

It's the scout's day off today and they're all allowed to leave the vicinity to visit friends and family, or simply just to fuck around if they wanted.

Petra, not surprisingly, decides to spend another weekend with him.

"Hmm?" He's currently preparing their lunch, wheeling himself around the kitchen area.

"Did you ever think about settling down when you were still in the scouts?"

He cocks an eyebrow at her question. "And leave a widow crying on my grave? I didn't even have the time to date, Petra."

And he didn't even want to date someone else. Not when he kept having wet dreams about his own subordinate at that time.

"Well, you have a chance now, right?" Petra starts to help with laying down the dishes on the table. He looks at her, eyes taking in her body language. She's doing that thing with her hands again where she tries to occupy it with things to do whenever she's nervous. She's too tense for this to be some absent chatter.

"Just spit it out, Petra."

"What I'm trying to say is that I'm always here. In this apartment. Whether I'm back from training or meetings or expeditions," she starts. Levi wheels himself forward to grab their food from the small kitchen but he attentively listens to each of her words. Seeing that he won't be replying, Petra decides to continue.

"I like coming home to you, Levi. And I'm still devoted to you." Petra nervously says, the redness on her cheeks intensifying. Levi feels his heart thump at her last sentence. He stops what he's doing and looks straight into her amber eyes, the same moment as she reaches out to delicately hold both of his hands. "I'd like to continue doing so... if you'll have me in another way."

Bold as ever is the first thing that fondly came to his mind. He feels emotion start to climb up his throat but he never wavers in staring back at her. The next thing that came to mind wasn't exactly a thought, and the answer leaves his mouth with a certainty he didn't know he had.

"Okay," he quietly replies. Not much of a talker, as usual. Still, his sure answer was quite a surprise to the both of them.

Was it loneliness? That fear that he'd most likely die alone because of his automatic ability to push people away? Maybe it's some deep hidden desire to live a domestic life with someone—something that he allowed himself to fleetingly dream of while he was still in that underground hellhole—that he has since accepted wouldn't be in his future.

Until now.

He and Petra decided to have a shotgun wedding that same afternoon.

[setsureadsshit]

Lost At Sea: A List of WIP’s I am finally letting go of [ Part 5 ]

[ Part 1 ] [ Post 2 ] [ Post 3 ] [ Post 4 ]

*see posts 1-4*

I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for.....probably half a year now, it was a project I took up at the start of the Covid and then I, like the rest of the world, sort of lost interest in everything for a little while. And then I threw myself into projects I could do around the house and hanging out with my housemates and slowly mourning our lost year. So, here’s THE LIST. And uh. Yeah.

The Soldier In The House Of Birds by Bonnie131313

Summary: A young acolyte finds himself paired with a young soldier

Last Update: 2018

Fandom & Main Pairing: Person Of Interest ; Rinch

Personal Notes: I really wanted to like this fic, I really wanted to but just...something about the style of the writing just doesn’t grab me. But like, I KNOW it’s really good, I can tell it’s well thought out even if it’s not finished but I just can’t...get into it and I’m letting it go.

Sucker For The Classics by nisolex

Summary: Scott was such a bad friend. Stiles only agreed to go on this stupid "pack bonding" trip so he and Scott could spend some time togehter. And what does Scott do? He invites Allison: and he gives her Stiles' seat in the car. Now Stiles is stuck in the Camaro for a 6 hour car ride with Derek Hale. This is gonna be a long week.

**With the show coming to an end, I wanted to write a Sterek fic to take us back to the beginning. This is an ode to the classic Teen Wolf fanfics. It will feature tropes as old as time, and is set sometime around season 3. If nothing else, get ready for some nostalgia, angst, and eventual sexy times.

Last Update: 2018

Fandom & Main Pairing: Teen Wolf ; Sterek

Personal Notes: Ah man, this fic is so good and tbh it leaves off at a moderately satisfying spot so still worth a read.

Where the lost get found by Ninjanervana

Summary:  The Nogitsune took a lot of things from Stiles: Allison, his peace of mind, his consent, his sanity, even his Spark. Maybe it’s time for Stiles to start taking things back.

Last Update: 2019

Fandom & Main Pairing: Teen Wolf ; Sterek

Personal Notes: I’d hold onto this - if all 7 chapters hadn’t all been posted at the same time and there hasn’t been so much as a peep since. Which is sad because it’s REALLY good but I have a harder time holding onto things that don’t have an update track record I can fall back on you know?

Can’t Hide From The Moonlight by Flarrow

Summary: The semi-unintended sequel to Might As Well Be the Sun, by reader request. One take, a potential telling of part of their married life together.

Last Update: 2016

Fandom & Main Pairing: The Flash ; Flarrow

Personal Notes: I just recently reblogged the first part of this series because I didn’t realize I hadn’t until I checked this, lol. The first one is really good, you should read it! A bummer this second part has kind fallen to the wayside but you know how it goes.

carpe diem by imadoki

Summary: The trials and tribulations that one Tsukishima Kei faces in the events leading up to spring graduation.(aka they're all third years and Tsukishima just wants to give Hinata his second gakuran button but there's a whole bunch of feelings in the way)

Last Update: 2015

Fandom & Main Pairing: Haikyuu!! ; Tsukihina

Personal Notes: I really love this idiot pairing. There...aren’t really any Hinata pairings I don’t like, he’s just so shippable, lmao. It’s a bummer that this one didn’t really get off the ground, it’s always so interesting seeing this pairing from Tsuki’s side of things.

Condo In The Woods by Strangeredlantern

Summary:  Scott gets here in four weeks, hopefully bringing some supernatural answers with him. That leaves Stiles four weeks to figure out Isaac. Why he’s here in Bear Valley, why he’s a werewolf, and why his eyes changed from blue to gold and back again not fifteen hours ago over Camden Lahey’s dog tags.

Last Update: 2014

Fandom & Main Pairing: Teen Wolf ; Stisaac

Personal Notes: I HAVE HELD ONTO THIS FIC. FOR SO FUCKING LONG. IF YOU CAN’T TELL. I REALLY FUCKING LOVE IT, I HAVE HOPED AND HOPED AND HOPED FOR SO LONG AND I AM SO GUTTED TO FINALLY BE GIVING UP ON IT. I LOVED IT. I STILL LOVE IT. STRANGEREDLANTERN, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE, IF YOU SEE THIS, KNOW THAT THERE IS ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH WHO LOVED YOUR STORY. WHO STILL LOVES YOUR STORY. WHO HOPES YOU’RE HAVING A GOOD LIFE AND STILL WRITING SOMEWHERE.

Dead To Rights by askanasshole

Summary: Stiles is picky when he chooses his jobs. Can't hurt anyone, can't end the world, can't end with him a different species or trapped in an alternate dimension. Can't be face to face. Simple. Easy. Necessary. 

Of course his entire life goes to shit when he's forced into a face to face with a werewolf pack stupid enough to get their Second's heart stolen by a witch. Now if their Alpha would stop being so stupidly hot and he could get this job over with, that'd be great.

Last Update: 2015

Fandom & Main Pairing: Teen Wolf ; Sterek

Personal Notes: I really enjoyed this, it was such a wildly different take on things, I was really interested to see where it was gonna go. Sad to be finally throwing in the towel on it.

Destiny Knows Best by TaliskerMortem

Summary: It was supposed to be just an ordinary one-night stand. A quick tumble in the sheets and then good-bye. Derek’s wolf however, had other plans.

OR: The one in which Derek and Stiles do the do and a certain part of Derek’s wolfish anatomy decides they should be bonded for life.

Last Update: 2018

Fandom & Main Pairing: Teen Wolf ; Sterek

Personal Notes: Again, the start was pretty promising and it kinda leaves off in a satisfactory way even unfinished but I’m not interested in it enough to keep holding on it.

Dirty Dealing by lookslikenico, winglesswarrior

Summary:  Stiles had a plan for his final summer before college. He was going to intern at the Sheriff's station, get ahead on the plans for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, his dad had some hazy idea of him having 'one last summer' as a lazy teenager. Now, he's stuck cooling his heels and feeling very out of place at some stuck up country club, where he feel he has more in common with the staff than the other members. Of course, that could be because the staff include his new 'how have we never met before' best friend Scott and the 'it should be physically impossible for someone to be that perfect' new crush, Derek. Who apparently hates him - but not enough that he won't swallow his pride and put up with Stiles' presence when he's needed to help get Erica out of trouble...

Last Update: 2016

Fandom & Main Pairing: Teen Wolf ; Sterek

Personal Notes: I honestly don’t remember anything about this fic. So. Enter at your own risk.

[basilrazzledazzle]

dating the haikyuu boys, pt 2

y'all REALLY liked that last one omg so here's a few more.

(a/n: i have written kageyama's part three times and oikawa's twice why can't this stupid app SAVE MY DRAFTS)

anyway this one is dedicated my one and only follower you're a real one homie 😌

Kageyama Tobio

he was the one to ask you out

tbh he had probably been pining for a hot minute before he finally got himself together

you had been helping him in class during free time because ya boy isn't the smartest and needed someone to help him study

and one day he was watching you explain a concept and he couldn't help but notice wow uh,,, y/n is really cute,, wait what??

anyway there's a big test coming up and our boy kags is stressing

so you volunteer to help him after school

but he has practice

so you both decide that you'd go to his house after practice

so you meet him at the school and you guys walk together

and you hadn't really talked about your personal lives

but he told you about how much volleyball and his friends meant to him

which was kinda wild because you had always thought of him as cute but intimidating

so anyway you stayed over for a little over an hour but it was getting late

and as you're getting ready to leave he volunteers to walk you home

you oblige because it's getting late plus you don't mind the thought of being together in the dark

and turns out he's just an absolute dork because he's cracking jokes the whole way home

and before you go inside he gets kinda flustered

"hey y/n?"

"mhm?"

"would you uh,, wanna hang out this friday?"

"but we don't have any tests or anything monday??"

just bc you're tutoring him doesn't mean you're not a dumbass

"no like a,, uh like a date"

o h

you agree ofc because who in their right mind would turn him down

i really think he would do something like taking you to an aquarium

mostly because he likes to watch you get excited over all the colorful fish

i've decided that kageyama doesn't know what to do with pda

because ya boy definitely gets flustered easily

however

he could never get upset with your affection

so you guys talked a lot during school but i feel like the most pda that would happen would be like hand holding

anyway after a couple weeks of dating you're walking to his house with him

and you mention that you're kinda chilly and wish you had brought your sweater

this boy has his jacket off in an instant

and also insists you wear it when he walks you to your house after "studying"

and you're wearing it at lunch the next day

and hinata asks kags why you have it

and since our favorite tangerine cannot keep his mouth shut, half the school knows by the end of the week

Oikawa Tooru

he asked you

he knew he had almost all of the school wrapped around his finger

except you were always one to call him out on his bullshit

and he found that hot

anyway he was kind of low-key flustered when he was asking you out

the two of you were both the captains of your volleyball teams

so you had that in common

and his excuse to talk to you was for you to teach him how to gain the respect of his teammates

you said he couldn't get anyone's respect if he continued to act as arrogant as he did

which kinda threw him off

but he asked you out anysay

you. laughed.

"are you serious?"

"why wouldn't i be serious??"

you agreed to ONE date

but it turned into several

anyway

this boy LIVES to show you off

would literally swoop by your locker in between classes just to give you a kiss

low-key clingy asf

one day you mysteriously found his volleyball jacket in your locker

you could take a hint

he saw you wearing it after school and OH BOY

he was whipped

you probably could've gotten away with murder if you had been wearing his jacket, he thought

lots of movie dates at his house

and even though he liked to talk a lot he was surprisingly a good listener

mostly because he thought it was hot seeing you angry as you wanted over the latest bullshit

it took him a bit to open up to you tbh

but he became very vulnerable about how he was scared to let down his team

on another note

he knew he could get anything he wanted when he was wearing his glasses

god he's such an asshole

but so attractive

Daichi Sawamura

he asked you out but also technically didn't

but boy was FLUSTERED

like he was so nervous

even though you guys had a pretty good relationship already and had amazing chemistry

you guys had been friends for a while

and you were hanging out at the library

supposedly studying but in reality most of the time had been spent joking around and goofing off

he was really trying his best to stay on task but you kept finding memes that you just had to show him

so you leaned over close to him with your phone in hand

and your boy just went for it

he pulled away almost immediately though

"y/n i am so sorry i shouldn't have done that-"

you kissed again him just to shut him up

which he was completely okay with

but then you realized you were in a library

where making out was generally frowned up

it took a minute before you officially became a couple though

tbh you were probably wearing his jacket before you were official

and when you were wearing his jacket??

oh boy

you could have gotten your way with anything

he was so whipped and seeing you in his clothes just had him wrapped around your finger

dates with him were probably pretty casual tbh

lots of cuddling at each other's houses while watching netflix

arguments only happen because you don't like him overworking himself

even then it's not a full blown argument

he'll just keep doing what he's doing (homework, volleyball shit, etc) and give you some bs excuse about him having to hold himself to high standards

other than that he's extremely agreeable and willing to compromise with anything

ugh i just love him sm

Hinata Shoyo

you asked him

you had most of your classes together and found his cheerfulness infectious

and one day you were in the courtyard setting a volleyball against the wall and you heard him come up behind you

"hey y/n!! will you set to me?"

after that you guys had an immediate friendship

plus you lived near each other, so when he didn't have practice, you guys walked together most of the way home

he was very energetic and practically bouncing the whole way home

so one day you decided to just go for it

"hey shoyo, are you busy this friday?"

he wasn't

"do you wanna,, i dunno, hang out?"

"what, do you wanna practice?"

ugh he's so oblivious what a dummy

"no, like a date"

boy turned RED he didn't know what to do

"uh, y-yeah! sure!"

idk i feel like going to a park with him would be cute

y'all would get some sort of fast food to take with you and just hang out on the swings and talk

it was chill but also allowed him to move around a lot because you already know this boy cannot sit still

anyway you were walking back that night and he noticed you shiver

bc it was kinda chilly

and he's like "hey y/n are you cold?"

and you assure him you're fine

but he insists you take his jacket anyway

because wow a gentleman

and surprisingly it's tsukishima who notices you with it on monday because you had first period with him

"hey what're you doing wearing shorty's jacket, y/n?"

"y/n's and i are dating, thank you very much! they can wear my jacket as they please."

tsukki couldn't believe it

neither could anyone else tbh

but you were both happy and that's all that mattered :))

ahh anyway that's what i have for them. i hope u enjoy these!! i really have fun writing them but they take forever omg

feel free to request a one shot / imagine or something like this!! i need something to fill my time lmao

anyway thank u for reading!! please like n reblog (if u wanna, ofc) ily all!!

[lovenona]

me, waking up: oh another day. then, after reading your answer: HOLY SHIT. guess i'm now the loving ramble enabler (LRE?). and DO NOT apologize for being passionate about smt that makes you happy you lovely human being that u are! hearing you ramble (how many times will i use this word idek) about the creation process made my day dammit! and i can assure you, reading about it is as good as reading the masterpiece itself, especially considering how good you are at manifesting the vibes (tm) (pt1)

(pt 2 bc word count sucks) how did you first get interested in pirate history? (if you don't mind me asking ofc) *slides 15 bucks* please, be my guest. do tell us more about the writing/revision process. sincerely, a genuinely interested person currently wondering why the fuck tumblr won't let her do a paragraph break. have a lovely night/day!

bestie ur rly enabling me 😭 ur so sweet skSJKAJSk i will tell u so much under this god damn cut 

first because this is the easy response: how did u get interested in pirate history????

short answer: keira knightley in pirates of the caribbean BYE 💀

long answer: it’s basically a mix of those movies being a centerpiece of my childhood and me just thinking pirates are cool SKJSKAj i’m very much into history n my uni had a course on ‘history of pirates’ last spring so i took it as smth to do during quarantine and i ended up really loving it !!! i’m actually workin on historical fiction short story abt anne bonny and mary read rn which required me to do a lot more research on pirates (under the black flag by david cordingly is a very good book on piracy!) and my research has been very interesting just in general and for writing the odyssey – i've incorporated little historical tidbits here n there to add to the world-building :’)

next: ur writing process

ok so let’s go cray besties i’m going to tell u abt the life of adele writing the odyssey!!!! i’ll try talking abt this in some semblance of a logical step-by-step

1. manifesting vibes + outline

i talked abt this last time but manifesting the vibes is very important ! the first things i like to do when getting ready to write a new chapter is define the setting – place(s), weather, time, and general mood 

while i have a pretty good idea of how many chapters it will be and where the odyssey ends, i usually don’t plan a chapter in super great detail until it’s time to sit down n write it. i have general points of people to include + things that would be important to the plot + vibes i hope to include (parts 6 and 7 r gonna SLAP!!), but these never get fleshed out until it’s Time. my outlines are therefore usually not very detailed because i like to give the odyssey room to do its own thing – i find it important that the story takes its time and we get to the important stuff whenever it wants us to. an outline will usually b something like, in the case of the furies call part 2: 

find megumi, talk abt his role in the zenin clan – naoya arrives on shore and shit hits the fan – run to find mai, maki fights her father – fight between naoya and todou – todou dies because you can’t kill naoya – sukuna rescues reader and it ends

after i have smth that looks like this as well as a decently clear idea of how everything will look and feel we get started!!

2. writing (pain)

arguably the worst stage for any creator! writing! at this point i genuinely just let go and let god tbh. i have no idea how i do things at this stage other than see how many commas + dumb poetic phrases i can include SKKSJKA – sometimes things just happen and it’s really cool!! for example in part 4 i didn’t know the guns warehouse was going to blow up until i was writing it and it just happened 

i do have a set quota of words i meet every time i sit down to write so that i A. feel accomplished and happy when i'm done, even if it sucks and B. don’t get burnout and start hating what i do. this stage is always difficult because writing is just hard and takes a lot of brainpower and self-discipline </3

i wld say the hardest part is that i run the risk of getting very overwhelmed – by the complexities of the plot, by how fucking long it takes me to write, by how much work writing itself is ! for example, abt 7k or so into part 5 i started having the worst existential dread when i realized that this chapter was not even halfway done and i wld have to surpass 15k before it was (at the time of writing this, part 5 is 16.3 💀) it just gets hard sometimes to overcome that and maintain the motivation to keep going and know that everything will be fine when it’s done – thankfully everyone here is so patient and sweet so it makes me feel better when i'm taking forever and/or need time off <333

basically, as always, the pain of writing is just having to write and come to terms with the fact no one else is going to manifest it for u. and have fun too!! writing is only fun when ur writing what u think is cool 

3. revision (less pain)

one of the fun stages, but also the point when i start to become impatient! writing an odyssey chapter can easily take 2.5-3 weeks even if i'm writing my quota every single day (part 5 took roughly 3 weeks of writing every god damn afternoon) and after that i spend another few weeks just going back and rereading/fixing everything. 

i basically start by rereading sections of the chapter to change sentence structure, grammar, dialogue, or whatever else i don’t like – sometimes sentences sound stupid or certain things don’t make a whole lot of sense so i like to go back and polish up! for example i changed the arrival of maki/mai/nobara in furies call part 1 about ten times before i decided it made sense to me

this step can be horrendous because i'll often write things really shitty in the first draft with a “i’ll come back to this later” mindset and then get mad at myself later for being a hoe <//3

in essence, i'm a horrible perfectionist so i will usually reread everything and change or add things multiple times before i think i'm finally ready to share. most of the time, as the chapter gets closer and closer to completion i become more and more hyper-fixated on it – i’ll start spending almost all of my free time just rereading and looking for minor fixes or places that don’t vibe as well. 

at the end of this step, my favorite thing to do before i queue the chapter up to post is sit down and just read the entire thing once or twice and give it one last kiss before i send her off into the world <3

so anyway there’s my ted talk of how i usually make the odyssey ! i vibe, write, revise n take forever to do all three steps but that’s just part of the fun! thank u for tuning in if u have any other questions u wld like me to overshare on i am more than happy to talk abt it :’)

[genesisrose74]

Karasuno Boys Singing Headcanons!

A/n: By this point I hope that everyone has seen the masterpiece that is Sugawara’s wonderful voice actor singing Under the Sea, which has won the spot in my heart for cutest thing I’ve ever heard. I then proceeded to go off the deep end of Haikyuu voice actors singing and safe to say I was in no way disappointed, so here’s some Karasuno boys singing headcanons! If you have any requests my ask box is open 💖 enjoy!

Daichi

Is it just me or would Daichi not care if someone heard him singing

He seems like the type of person who hums all the time 

Partly because it helps relax him after yelling at the team all day LMAO He doesn’t necessarily sing with lyrics every chance he gets, but when he does he’s pretty casual about it

He’ll sing in the car a lot, and it was actually the first place you heard him

Boy has a soothing playlist for school days and you always like hearing his voice when he drives you in the mornings

Will hum when you’re both doing schoolwork in his or your house

Doesn’t realize he has a good voice, so he never tries to show off all that often in front of people and thus the team has not heard him full out sing yet

So when they does hear him like, actually singing for the first time at the end of practice they’re SHOOK

Tanaka and Nishinoya instantly start spamming you with texts, asking why you hid away such a precious secret for so long

You’re sitting in the library staring at your constantly vibrating phone like ??? doesn’t he sing all the time?

When you end up texting the boys this question they go absolutely feral

At this point Daichi is losing his voice yelling at the team to calm tf down

Suga is cackling in the corner of the team gym cause he been knew

It’s absolutely chaotic literally someone come save Daichi please-

Sugawara

HAHA GET READY BOYS

Official team mom of Karasuno sings all the damn time don’t even get me started

Always humming some upbeat tune doing schoolwork, cleaning up after practice, in the car, etc.

Seriously when is this sweet baby not singing

The team is well aware of this, especially the sideline cheer squad (Yamaguchi, moi ippon nice serve!) 

Tell me he does not make up rhyming cheers under his breath during matches I dare you

Will literally make up a stupid song on the spot to describe whatever he is currently doing or feeling

Hinata bathroom vibes tbh but it’s even more out of the blue

“Got an A on my exam today, and things are going my way”

“Suga, for the love of everything please stop”

“Daichi thinks I’ll listen to what he’ll say, but I’m singing more anyway”

He is always on board with karaoke whenever Karasuno has team bonding nights

One time you are invited to this by Suga himself and he gets up and starts singing a Disney song haha guess which one 

And as often as the team has heard him sing mans is feeling it tonight for whatever reason and y’all can tell

You have never heard anyone sing Under the Sea so passionately before but it’s a gift and you’re not complaining

Asahi

Boy is so insecure oh my gosh please give him some support

Very shy about singing in front of anyone and everyone

The only time you’ve ever heard him sing was when you were over at his house and he was taking a shower

You had gone downstairs to get a snack from the kitchen and when you come back up he’s singing alongside one of his playlists

You don’t know if it’s because of the steam and the solid acoustics in the bathroom but he doesn’t sound half bad

You try not to startle him as soon as he gets out because you know how flustered he’d get

But then a while later while y’all are studying on his bed you just casually bring it up like ‘You have a nice voice, Asahi’ and that’s all

He’s a little shocked at first that you heard him but kind of smiles and sighs in relief because you liked his singing!! 🥺

Precious teddy bear is totally happy for the rest of the week, like that’s how much your praise means to him sdlkgjfdjsof he’s too cute

Eventually warms up to humming little tunes around you

He’s really blushy when he does but you pretend not to notice for his sake lmao

It makes you so warm inside that he feels comfortable enough to let you hear him

Ennoshita

In this house we do not sleep on Ennoshita

As much as he is the mom of the second years he will flaunt his stuff whenever he gets the chance and this is one of those times

If a generic pop song is on at literally any point in time and he hears it, damn right he’s going to sing 

When it comes to singing Ennoshita is hands down the most chaotic no question about it

Sometimes he’ll actually sing a verse pretty decently

And then the next line is just the embodiment of a dumpster fire and he does not care

These are the only times that Tanaka and Noya get irritated with him and not the other way around

But Ennoshita doesn’t give a shit, he’s so cheeky

Like he’ll be walking through the mall and a banger of a song like Fergalicious comes on over the speakers? You’re done for

Even if he doesn’t know the lyrics at certain points, or deadass does not know any of them at all, he’ll just power through

If there is a sports banquet complete with dancing and music and the team attends, Ennoshita is tearing up the floor and singing his heart out

Honestly you’re a little scared to interfere cause what is he even doing-

He has made quite a few friends from opposing teams with his frankly lunatic level energy

I’m looking at you Oikawa, Tendou 

Tanaka

ANIME. INTROS.

He sounds EXACTLY like that opening singer from Bungou Stray Dogs I wonder why

No but actually we all heard his little song in season one, when he’s late and walking to the gym like what a king-

In summary he is a pretty good singer 

Most definitely a frequent participant during team karaoke nights and everyone enjoys his little performances

When he realizes that girls actually like guys who can sing he starts using this to his advantage 

And surprisingly it ended up working

You’re out at karaoke with some friends one night and you hop outside to get some more food for your group when you hear somebody slaying Rough Diamonds; your mind instantly goes to Food Wars

It catches your interest and then you realize...this dude goes to your school? You are positively whipped

He sees you from the doorway and when he realizes you’re enjoying the song he amps it up another three notches

Achievement get: girlfriend 

Karaoke dates and other such outings happen often, thank you very much

As much as he enjoys singing he does not overdo it like Ennoshita, who has been limited to three songs per night every time the group goes out, please for the sake of everyone’s eardrums

Nishinoya

As Tanaka’s best friend and as the co-president of simps everywhere, Nishinoya is another common singer during karaoke nights

Having fun and maybe picking up a cute girl at the end of it all? That’s literally his life agenda

He either goes for the badass, headbanging songs that are super energetic, or he jams out to the generic and famous pop groups’ songs

There is no in between

Noya has a slightly deeper singing voice but sometimes he’ll go for the stupid high notes for fun and just...completely fails

The fact that he has never successfully hit one of those notes doesn’t deter him in the slightest though; his goal is to get there at least once before he dies

He can sing so many popular TikTok audios and you can’t decide whether to be impressed or slightly disappointed with that fact

Noya doesn’t really sing at practice just because he’s focused, but when he’s walking home or getting food from Sakanoshita afterwards he might start randomly singing something

The type of person who has like a billion different playlists on his phone for the most obscure moods (honestly same Noya)

Like there’s one named “Bad Test Grade But I Won a Free Popsicle Kind of Feeling” don’t even ask 

Will put on a concert in his room and perform a whole lineup of these songs for you

Sometimes you think it’s just so he can avoid doing schoolwork but you let him get away with it occasionally

cause you’d never tell him but it’s so entertaining and kinda hot what

Tsukishima

OH GOD THIS BOY

I swear you have tried time and time again to figure out whatever the hell kind of music he listens to with those chonky headphones of his but you have never successfully completed that mission

There are only two - count em, TWO - instances where you have ever witnessed this embodiment of a salt shaker doing anything resembling singing

Number one was a literal meme TikTok where you were using Beyond the Mysterious Beyond from Land Before Time as your audio

You didn’t expect Tsukki to recognize it at all 

But he’s in the top corner of your phone screen and he is deadass LIP SYNCING EVERY WORD and you’re SENT INTO ORBIT 

DOES HE STUTTER? NOPE

Should have expected that Mr. Dinosaur Obsessed would have watched Land Before Time and loved the all the bops

That video is forever saved in your drafts because he’d literally end you if that went public but you refuse to completely get rid of it

Second time, our french fry child actually sings because Yamaguchi forces him to do a song with him lmao

It only lasts for about three verses but it’s all anyone has heard from him before and is therefore a blessing from above

If anyone has heard these two singing Sarishinohara on YouTube you know what I’m talking about if not look it up it’s an absolute gift 

Literal perfection in a duet like?? Everyone is depressed when they realize that Tsukki’s voice had been hidden from the world until that very moment

We will cherish this short taste of Singing! Tsukki for all time amen 😔🙏

Yamaguchi

Like Asahi, this precious bean is also shy about his singing 

But he will sometimes get a burst of confidence if he’s having a really good day or if someone is singing with him

When those moments arrive they are wonderful 

He sounds like an angel, not even exaggerating he’s just so pure

Has a very light tone no matter how the song originally sounds and it’s really soothing to be honest

When his little bouts of confidence wear off please for the love of God praise him in any way shape or form, it makes him feel good about himself 

On team bus rides to games, he and Yachi will sometimes sing fun tunes together to calm each others’ nerves and it’s incredibly precious

Tsukki will send you videos of this pregame ritual and you have a folder reserved for them in your camera roll 

Everyone say thank you Tsukki

He will sing for you if you’re feeling super down about something because he knows you love it 

Never fails to calm you down and cheer you up, and Yams knows in those moments that he would gladly sing for the rest of his life if it made you smile

We stan one soft, talented bean sprout 

Kageyama 

Another stubborn boy when it comes to singing in front of other people

He will hum on rare occasion but don’t expect much more

You start to realize that whenever he does start humming, though, it’s always the same song, so one day you ask him about it

It’s a song his grandfather used to sing to him when he was little and he uses it to calm himself down

You almost start crying on the spot because you know how much his grandpa meant to him 

Kags says there were lyrics to it but he doesn’t remember them besides a few random words scattered here and there

It becomes your personal mission to find the rest of the lyrics because you’ll be damned if your precious baby goes another day without hearing them again

Finally after countless obscure Google searches you find the song 

But you don’t know how to casually bring up the fact that you had spent hours obsessively looking for them into a conversation-

So one day you’re hanging out with Kageyama, but he’s been in an awful mood all week, and you decide to start singing the song that his grandpa used to but including the lyrics

And when he recognizes the words and puts the chorus together, he instantly relaxes and starts singing it with you

He is so touched and thankful that he can finally recall the song in its entirety, and now you both sing said song to each other whenever the other is feeling down

I love him so much my heart-

Hinata

When you find out he can sing you’re absolutely floored

Literally the only time in his life that Hinata can successfully speak English words and it’s in a song? And it’s coherent?? It’s a miracle

The whole team gets on his ass about sucking at English in class but being able to obliterate those lyrics when they come up in a song and the poor tangerine gets all huffy

hE’s tRyiNg HiS bESt oKaY                

His range is SO GOOD THOUGH WHAT-

You’re in the middle of a store with him and he’s been occasionally singing along to the music from the speakers and at this point you’re not even surprised at how good he sounds

But then he just starts singing in falsetto

BOI- When I say your jaw is on the floor I am not playing games 

The power he holds is beyond comprehension

He’s looking at you confused like did he do something wrong?

When you proceed to flip out over how great he just sounded baby gets so embarrassed how cute

Again, one of those people who just doesn’t know their gift and it makes him even more precious 

I would kill to have his capabilities like imagine the talent; if that whole volleyball thing doesn’t work out there’s also the music industry sir-

In conclusion: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS SUNSHINE A MIC THANK YOU

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

Being Simon

Chapter 1: The Past

Chapter 1/2 (All chapters)

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word Count:  8493

Summary:  Simon's type of therapy is...unusual to say the least. He has the incredible chance to go back in time to fix what he regrets. However, things get more complicated when Simon meets someone very interesting in the past.

Read on AO3

AN: Ahahahaha I did it!!! I finished a fic! That's a big achievement for me nowadays tbh. This has taken forever because stupid fucking health, but I did it! Of course I'm not 100% good with it but I'm still proud. Being Erica is one of my fave shows ever and is severely underrated imo. Then I saw this post and was like "oh damn that would be great for snowbaz." Now like three-four months late, here we are! Big thank you to @carryonmylovelies​ as always. She has been a big support for me through this writing slump. I couldn't be more grateful for her <3

World basics: time travel therapy is a thing, no further explanation given, and going back in time to fix past regrets teaches patients how to live better in the present. Patients take over their past selves' bodies for a bit. Patients can return from the past either suddenly or by stepping through doors. So just imagine Simon doing that. Saying much more is spoilers. 

I’m gonna post chapter 1 today, then chapter 2 sometime within the next week. Hopefully y'all like it!

———————————————

You know that guy who’s got it all? A perfect job, a perfect partner, wonderful family, a life that people are secretly jealous of? You know that guy, everyone knows that guy. Unfortunately, I am not that guy.

My name is Simon Snow, and I’m a fuck up. But I’m getting better.

“Mr. Snow, Mr. Snow!” Cassidy shouts, waving her hand, “I know the answer!”

“Cass,” I say, “what did we say about inside voices?”

She pouts and crosses her arms. “Keep the volume down for all those around.”

“Exactly. Now, try again.” Cassidy raises her arm with no added sound effects. I point my chalk at her. “Cassidy, what’s the answer?”

She puts her hand down, grinning wide. “It’s 42.”

I hold my hand out to her. “Nice job, Cassy, right on the money.”

She gives me a big high five. The feeling of accomplishment surges through me. God, I love this job. My old customer service work made me feel dead inside. Day in, day out, same old fucking garbage from garbage customers. It was just never something I wanted to do. Now I get to see a little girl smile, and I helped her smile. Yeah, little self centred, but I’ll take it.

“Patrick,” I say, “can you tell me how we can find 8 times 4?”

Patrick nods and starts rattling off the technique he’s come up with. It’s a bit odd and round about but all his. That’s what I love about kids, the strange and unique things their little minds come up with. It’s why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place, before I lost my way.

The bell rings and everyone's on their feet immediately. “Alright everyone,” I shout over the clamour, “make sure to finish chapter three for tonight. And get your worksheets done! We’re going to go over them with a fine toothed comb. Have a good weekend, kids.”

“Bye, Mr. Snow,” they all parrot back. I wave them off, then start on my laptop. Being a teacher means having a lot of paperwork. (Or Google Doc work, I guess.) Everything is in mismatched folders and I have to scour them for my lesson plan draft. Unfortunately, I’m still not great at organization, but I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot in my life.

My phone rings. I look up from my screen, and notice there’s no sunlight from the windows. Holy shit, how long have I been sitting here? I quickly grab my phone. “Hello?”

“Simon!” Todd shouts. “Where the fuck are you?”

“Oh, uh, hi Todd.” Fuck, what did I do this time? “I-I’m still at work...”

He scoffs. “Of course you are. Shit, Simon, I’ve been sitting at Casper’s for an hour!”

My heart drops. I look down at my watch. It’s 6:34. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, love, I just totally lost track of time-”

“Yeah, I guessed that. I should expect that of you now.”

Well, that stings. A lot. I’ve felt like a screw up my whole life, so much so even my parents didn’t want me. Like they had some prophetic vision that their kid would be a no good moron. Therapy has started to rid me of those thoughts, but they still creep up every once in a while. Like now.

“I’m sorry, darling, I’m really sorry. We can go to my place, have take away-”

“No, Simon,” he sighs. “I just...I picked the day, the time, and the restaurant. All you had to do was bloody show up, and you couldn’t even do that. I mean...do you even care, Simon?”

A horrible, familiar pain goes through my heart. I can still hear Agatha’s voice all these years later. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. My thoughts get all muddled up, mixing up old fears and trauma with today.

“I do care, Todd, I really do. I just- I didn’t- I was- We can-”

“Please stop..” He sighs again. I can almost see him rubbing his pretty black eyebrows together. “Don’t stress stutter, it’s alright. Enjoy your work and takeaway.”

“Uh, could we reschedule?”

“No, we can’t.”

I gulp. I hate that I know what’s coming. “Are...are you too busy?”

“No, I’m just...I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, Simon. Hope you do well. I mean that.”

I slump in my chair. “Okay. You too. Bye, Todd.”

“Goodbye, Simon.”

He hangs up, but I keep the phone by my ear. My body feels too heavy to move and get out of this fucking chair. Once again, I screwed up my relationship. And the fact that it’s too familiar is even worse. This is what, the third partner I’ve lost in the last year? An abysmal track record. Before that I had been alone since uni, yeah, but I think it was better than feeling like this.

Slowly, I pack up all my stuff. Everything is quiet, like the world is in mourning for my latest lost relationship. Self centered as fuck but a nice thought. I sling my book bag over my shoulder and walk towards the door. It’s not even a shock when I don’t enter the foyer, but step through and end up in Dr. Margaret’s stony yet brightly lit office instead, complete with torches and pristine furniture. It’s like some medieval version of an IKEA showroom. Dr. Margaret is sitting in her chair with a book in hand, obviously waiting for me. Just another day with a super powered therapist who has her office in a pocket dimension outside of our reality. (That’s my theory anyway).

I speed walk forward and flop down face first on her white couch. “Hi to you too, Simon,” she says. I groan into the cushions. “Good day, huh?” I groan louder. “Tell me what happened or get off my couch.”

I move my face to the side, glaring at Dr. Margaret. She just keeps looking at me blankly from her large leather chair. Dr. Margaret has little time for my whining, something I usually appreciate. “Todd broke up with me.”

“You poor baby.”

I narrow my eyes even more. “Aren’t therapists supposed to be all sympathetic and shit?”

She scoffs. “Sympathetic when you’re not being pathetic.”

“My boyfriend just broke up with me, I’m allowed to be a bit pathetic.” I rub my very strained forehead. “I always get dumped.”

“Mhm.” Dr. Margaret picks up the notepad, the one I filled with my regrets the first day we met. It’s embarrassingly long, but a lot are crossed off too. “Tell me about ‘breakup with Agatha.’”

I groan, head falling back against the couch. “God, that’s one I’ve been waiting for.”

“Stop groaning and tell me.”

“Okay, okay, gimme a sec.” I sit up and put my elbows on my knees, rubbing my temple. Headache is coming. Though I’ve started to actually pay attention to my health and take care of myself now (thanks to Dr. Margaret), the headaches still happen sometimes. Especially when I think about this.

“It was 2003,” I sigh. “Agatha and I had been together for six years. Just before third year finals, Agatha broke up with me. I got really pissed at her. Turned into a huge screaming match. She said I didn’t care, and I called her an arsehole that never loved me.” I run a hand through my hair. Old stress habit. “I’ll never forget the look on her face. She was so unbelievably hurt. I knew it was wrong the moment after I said it, but I was too angry and proud to apologize. Agatha walked out. And that was the last time I ever saw her.” The words piece my heart like a knife. I feel like I'm about to shatter into pieces “We avoided each other all through finals. Right after graduation, Agatha moved to California for her masters. She wouldn’t take my calls, then she changed her number. So I gave up. Haven’t talked to her in twelve years. No idea where she is now and what she’s doing.”

Dr. Margaret nods thoughtfully, placing the notebook down. “What would you do differently? Try to fix things? Stay together?”

I shake my head vigorously. “No, god no. We weren’t good as a couple. But Agatha was one of my closest friends way before she was my girlfriend. I just, I want the breakup to not be so awful. That way we can stay friends. I want to keep her in my life. If I wasn’t such an arse, she would be.”

“Sounds reasonable. Let’s see if you can do it.”

A familiar chill hits me. At first it was terrifying but now I expect it. “Alright.”

Dr. Margaret nods, and the world spins.

———————————————

“You’re not hearing me, Simon!” Agatha screams. “I’m trying to tell you that it’s over!”

I stumble, blinking at Agatha and trying to focus on what’s around me. Dirty walls, Lady Gaga posters, a shitty desk I picked up off the curb. Yeah, this is definitely my uni apartment. And this is definitely Agatha screaming at me, trying to break things off and I’ve just been yelling. She’s so mad but I can’t help but smile. God, I’ve missed her.

“What are you smiling about?! Are you listening to me?!” She groans and shakes her head. “We’re done, Si. I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye.”

She turns around to leave and my pulse skyrockets. No no, not again. “Ags, wait! I-I am listening. Please, don’t leave!”

Agatha freezes, hand on the knob. She glares at me over her shoulder. “What?”

“I-I’m sorry for yelling, that was awful. Can we just sit down and talk this out? Please?”

She looks me over, probably trying to figure out if I’m being sincere. I know I am, but as far as she's concerned I was screaming my bloody lungs out a minute ago. Must be weird for her. Thankfully, she lets go of the knob. “Fine.”

I sigh in utter relief. I sit down on my shitty mattress (pretty sure I got this off the curb too) and Agatha follows. She’s tense, arms crossed. I fiddle with my fingers. The nail beds are all chewed up, hangnails surrounded by dark dried blood. Glad I broke that habit, but right now I sort of wish I still did it. It made me feel better.

“Are you going to say something?” Agatha asks, voice biting.

“Yeah, yeah, just, uh...” I rub the back of my neck. Words are getting fucked up again.

“You’re not going to change my mind, Simon. We’re through.”

“I know, Ags, I know. I don’t want us to stay together.”

Her eyebrows furrow. It’s really cute. I miss when she did that. “You don’t?”

“No, no, we’re not good as a couple. We don’t work well.”

“Oh.” Her arms fall into her lap. “Okay. Yeah, I think the same.”

“Awesome.” I turn towards her with a big grin. “But, uh, could we still be friends though? You’ve always been one of my best friends, Agatha. I-I don’t want to lose you after this.”

Agatha rubs her lips together, But slowly, she nods. “Okay, yeah.”

A huge weight lifts off my shoulders. I grin so wide it hurts. “That’s great! That’s so great. I-I just, I don’t want to lose you just cause our relationship didn’t work out.”

She looks even more confused, and I’m not sure why. “What do you mean ‘didn’t work out?’”

“Well, I-I mean, y’know, we just don’t work as a couple. We haven’t been happy for awhile because things have kind of...fizzled out, right?”

Suddenly, that infuriated expression comes back. She groans and stands up. “I can’t believe you, Si! You really haven’t been listening to anything I’ve said, have you?!”

I stand up too. “No, no, I have! You want to break up, and I get why, we’re not happy together. We’re not a good couple-”

“Because of you!” she screams. I stumble back slightly from the force of her words.  “You fucked up!”

A horrible, upset, disgusted feeling takes over my whole body. Like my very soul is sicking up. I step towards her, reaching out. “Ags, I don’t know what you mean. H-How did I ruin things? Tell me what I did wrong!”

She shakes her head and backs away. “I’ve told you a hundred times, Si. If you don’t know by now, I don’t think you ever will.”

Agatha starts to stomp away. I chase after her. “Agatha! Ags, please, don’t-”

She slams the door so hard all my knick knacks rattle. I’m left in silence, except for the thoughts rattling around in my head. Fuck, what did I say? What did I do? I can’t think of anything I’ve done horrible enough to warrant such a response from Agatha. I pull at my hair and gnaw at my nail beds. I mean, this me already does it, so where’s the harm? Fuck, I don’t know what I did. I can’t remember!

Penny. I gotta go find Penny. She always has the answers. She’ll remember why I fucked up. I rush out the door and swing my way down the shitty stairs, careful to avoid the usual vomit puddles. I’m speed walking across the lawn towards Pen’s TA building when I spot familiar frizzy white hair.

“That was fast,” Dr. Margaret says, looking down at her book with a Starbucks drink in hand. She’s dressed in a horribly ugly orange tank top and boho skirt. Perfect for 2003. She needs to blend in with the time period, or at least that’s what she says. I think she just likes to dress up. “Saw her storm out. Looked really mad.”

“What the fuck was the point of this?!” I yell. I’m so angry, I can’t help it. My temper is something I need to work on but I really don’t care right now. “I still cocked things up with Agatha, so she still hates me, and all I’ve learned is that I apparently did something horrible that I don’t even remember because it’s been twelve bloody years!”

She takes a long drink from her large Starbucks cup. “Hm. Quite difficult. What’re you going to do?”

“Find Penny, I guess, She’ll know, right?”

Dr. Margaret shrugs. “Don’t know. You have a phone. Call her.”

Oh, right, phones are a thing. I dig around in my cargo shorts (god, I can’t believe, I used to wear these things) and pull out my old Nokia slide phone. I sneer at the thing. It was my first and shittiest cell phone. I thought I was so cool because my mobile slid out. I was such a prat.

I go to my contacts, and Penny is one of five. That makes me a little sad. I always liked people, but I was always bad at making real friends. I’ve gotten better now but past me barely had anyone. I click her number, and she picks up after two rings.

“Hey, Simon, what’s up?” she asks.

“Um, not much,” I respond automatically. Dr. Margaret glares at me. Right, I don’t need to push down my problems and pretend everything is okay. Penny’s my friend, she’ll want to help. “Actually, there’s a lot. Aggie and I just broke up.”

“Oh Si, I’m so sorry. How’re you feeling?”

“Not too bad. I guess it was inevitable. I’m more confused than anything. Ags said I ruined it by doing something, but I’m not sure what I did. Do you have any idea what she meant?”

“Uh...I really don’t know. She hasn’t told me anything. She doesn’t usually tell me things anyway.”

I sigh and rub my face. “Yeah, true. I’ll figure it out. Thanks, Pen.”

“Welcome, Simon. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” I hang up and shove my phone back in my massive pocket. Dr. Margaret is back to reading. “Well, that was no help.”

“Too bad. Maybe going to the source would be better.”

I frown in utter confusion. “You want me to go talk to Agatha again?”

“She knows what’s wrong. You don’t. Ask her.”

I put my hands on my hips. “You’re never this direct. What’s going on?”

She flicks her eyes to me, smiling slyly. “Don’t trust me, Simon?”

“No! I just know you always have something else going on. Nothing in therapy is ever easy or simple.”

“Know that. Taught you that.” She snaps the book closed. “Do what you think is best, Simon. Then live with choices.”

She stands up, book tucked into her hippie purse, and walks down the lawn. I huff, blowing a piece of stray hair out of my face. “You know I hate when you say that! It’s just pointing out the obvious! That’s lazy therapy!”

Dr. Margaret, the woman who has changed my life in so many ways, makes the “whatever” W sign at me. I chuckle and shake my head. Okay, well, this is probably some weird test (again), but Dr. Margaret has a point. Best to be direct. Maybe Agatha will have cooled down by the time I get there. I should do something nice. Bring her flowers, yeah, that’s a good idea. I look down at my cargo shorts, baggy Eminem shirt, and filthy knock off converse. Definitely need to change too.

I rush back to my apartment. It’s dingy and gross, but there’s a weird nostalgia to it. I should’ve put up more posters. (Why can’t that be a regret? That would be so much easier.) My dresser is bursting at the seams as usual. I throw my t-shirts around looking for something passable, but everything is dirty, tacky, smells like weed, or all of the above.

“Christ, how did I live like this?” I grumble, as if I wasn’t pretty much still living like this a year ago. (Minus the weed. Kicked that after uni, thankfully.)

Eventually I find a plain brown shirt and a pair of jeans with only one tomato sauce stain. Alright, I’m passable now at least. That’ll get Agatha’s attention just because it’s so out of character for who I am in this time. I open the old pickle jar where I keep all my change and scrounge together about 20 quid. Should be enough for flowers, especially before the 2008 crash. The exchange rate is the only thing I miss about the past, honestly.

“Alright,” I mutter to myself, slinging my bookbag over my shoulder, “decent clothes, okay hair, pocket change, bag to hold flowers. Let’s do this.”

I walk out my front door feeling confident, hopefully not too much. Can’t get a big head. Need to focus on Agatha.

“Simon, mate.” I turn around to see Rhys wheeling out of his flat. “What’s up? Heard a lot of shouting earlier, you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m cool, man. Agatha and I broke up and things got messy.”

He inhales sharply between his teeth. “Yikes. Sorry to hear that. Can’t believe she dumped you for that snotty prep.”

I stand ramrod straight, then spin around on my heels to face him properly. “What snotty prep?”

“Oh you didn’t know?”

“Didn’t know what?!”

Rhys raises his hands in surrender. “Whoa, take it easy, man.”

Shit. Reel in your temper, Simon, don’t explode. “Sorry, sorry, mate. Just, what are you talking about with this prep?”

“Yeah, this preppy pretty boy Agatha sits next to in our romantic literature and creative writing classes. They’ve always got their heads together. I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my business, but then you said you two broke up, so...”

“So you thought she told me, got it.” I rub my temples. Headache is coming back. “Do you know who he is?”

Rhys scratches the side of his head. “Yeah, think so. Tall, dark-ish skin, grey eyes, posh accent, even more posh clothes. Name starts with a T. Terrence, Terry, Tyler-” He snaps his fingers and points at me. “Ty! That’s it!”

My face scrunches up. “Ty? Ty what?”

“Dunno. Just Ty, I guess. Like Madonna. Dude thinks he’s better than fucking everyone just because he’s rich or something.”

My blood boils to a fever pitch. So Agatha broke up with me for someone prettier and richer. She said it was my fault because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Mission failed, because I am fucking gutted.

“Thanks for telling me, mate,” I say, holding out my fist to him. He bumps his own against mine. “Really appreciate it.”

“Sure thing, mate. Come have a beer with us to commiserate?”

I chuckle. “Yeah, but you may have to remind me later. Brain like sieve.”

“Gotchu. See ya.”

“See ya.”

Rhys rolls down the hall towards Gareth’s. Right, it’s their weekly beer and footie night. I would hang out with them sometimes. I miss that. I should call them when I’m back in 2015. Right now though, I have a mission.

———————————————

Finding Ty will be pretty easy. I know when Agatha and Rhys’ creative writing class is, which is in a couple of minutes. (Rhys skipped a lot of class. Luckily he was a genius so he graduated at the top of our year. And Agatha never went to class when she was upset, so I know I won’t see her.) I run over to the building I know it’s in, a massive hall made from dingy grey stone and filled with caffeine addicted twenty somethings. Then I sit by a tree, waiting to see someone like Rhys described. Oh and when I find him I’ll- Well, I’ll do something. Not sure yet but it’ll be something!

Droves of zombified uni students pass me by. None of them look posh and preppy enough to be like this Ty dude. He sounds like such a twat. What the fuck does Agatha see in him? (Or did see in him, I guess. Time travel is weird.) Maybe Agatha is still with him. Maybe they went to California together. She talked about me going with her for a bit, but I was scared to leave England. I don’t regret staying, but I do regret the crushed look on her face.

The guy passes by me. He looks ridiculous, wearing oxfords, black slacks, and a goddamn tweed jacket with leather patches on the sleeves. It’s the preppiest posh shit I’ve ever seen. I can see his hands, curled around his textbook, and his slicked back hair. Dark-ish skin and ear length black hair. I’m on my feet in an instant.

“Hey!” I shout. He doesn’t move. “Hey, Ty! I’m talking to you!”

He finally turns around, and my heart stops for a second. Holy shit. This guy is beautiful. Like, super model on the cover of a high end fashion magazine gorgeous. He’s got cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass and his eyes aren’t just grey, they’re green and blue mixed together. Like deep ocean water. And right now they’re staring at me like I’ve lost my goddamn mind.

“Yes?” he says. His voice is smooth, strong, really pretty. “You called my name?”

I shake off my small gay panic (technically pansexual panic) and my anger returns. I glare hard at him. “Yeah, I did. My name is Simon Snow, Agatha’s boyfriend.”

His confusion quickly switches to stone faced boredom. “Oh you’re the boyfriend. Well, the ex-boyfriend now, according to the text Agatha sent me.” He tilts his head to the side, ocean eyes scanning me over. “I thought you’d be taller.”

My body feels like it’s on fire. This guy may be hot but he’s a total prick. How could Agatha dump me for him?! “Who do you think you are, huh? Flirting with someone’s girlfriend? That’s fucking low, you pathetic shit!”

He scoffs, putting on hand on his hip. “Very well spoken. If you’re done with your little alpha male display, I have a class to get to.”

Ty turns away. I’m ready to explode. I haven’t felt this angry in years but this guy is getting so under my skin. I grab his shoulder and force him to look at me.

“You don’t get to walk away, dick!” I roar. “Do you think you’re better than me?! Well you’re not!”

“I’m not the one shouting at a random stranger on the quad.”

“I’m shouting because you stole my girlfriend!”

“I didn’t steal her, you sexist shit,” he hisses. “She’s my  friend. Are you the kind of arse to not allow his girlfriend to have friends?”

“No! And I’m not sexist! I just don’t like someone flirting with the girl I was with when I was with her, especially when you’re all...posh and shit!”

Ty scoffs again and leans forward. “Well, at least I don’t wear dirty jeans out in public. I have more self respect than that.”

My entire body explodes in a way it hasn’t in ages. My vision goes completely fucking red. I shove Ty, hard. Way harder than I mean to. He stumbles backwards, dropping his books on the grass. He looks at me in utter shock.

“What the fuck?!” Ty shouts. He then shoves my shoulders, and I stumble five steps back. Holy shit, he’s strong. 

“Fuck you!” I shout back. I charge forward with all my might. Ty blocks me but that doesn’t stop me. I claw and push and pull at him, no clue what I’m doing at all. I’m just so angry and pushing it all at him. He pushes back just as hard. Neither of us will give an inch. We scrabble like a pair of cats. I can’t think, I just feel. I'm so angry and sad and worthless because...because....

Because I’m losing my friend again. And I don’t know what to do.

My hits get weaker and weaker. All the energy dribbles out like a melting ice cream in July. As I slow down, Ty stops pushing back. My arms fall down at my sides. His hands rest awkwardly on my shoulders.

“Uh,” he says, “are you alright?”

“No,” I choke out. Tears fill my eyes and cloud my vision. “No, I’m not.”

I break down, crying with heavy, ugly sobs. Everything is just collapsing in and around me. I really am losing Agatha all over again. It hurts even more this time. I’ve never fallen apart this badly on a regret. But everything from the past and present, losing all my partners in the past year then Agatha again, is just hitting me in one terrible mental blow.

“Oh shit,” he says. “Um...” I feel his hand move off my shoulder and slowly pat my head. “There, there?”

I snort like one of the kids I teach. I pull back, wiping the still flowing tears under my eye. “Seriously? That’s the best you can do?”

Though it’s a bit hard to tell, I think Ty’s face flushes. He crosses his arms defiantly. “Well, what the fuck are you supposed to do when a stranger attacks you then breaks down crying?”

I shrug. “Dunno, really. This is new for me too.”

Ty rubs the back of his neck, shuffling his polished oxfords in the dirt. I’m still sniffling like a child. “You want to go somewhere private? Where no one can see you?”

My eyes catch a couple of people glancing and outright staring at us. Or just at me. I nod vigorously. “Yeah, that would be good.”

Ty collects up the books I knocked out of his hands. He jerks his head to the side, and I follow behind him. Tears are still streaming down my face. They won’t stop no matter how hard I try. Ty leads us through a secluded area, past large trees and bushes, until we reach a completely hidden, beautiful ravine. Holy shit. Was this always here? I went to this uni for three years and I have no memory of this place. Either I’m super oblivious or getting old. (Probably both.)

We go past a couple more bushes until we come upon a ramshackle rainbow coloured bench against some trees. It looks handmade by some stoned out art major. The mess of cigarette and joint butts on the ground only reinforces that theory. Ty sits on one end of the bench. I take the other, but we’re still pretty close. It’s not very big. We sit in silence for a bit, save for my continued sniffling. Something bumps my arm. I look down to see Ty’s long fingered hand holding out a cigarette pack.

“Want one?” he asks.

“Smoking is bad for you,” I say automatically.

“Like you’re one to talk. You reek of marijuana”

“Fuck, really?” I sniff my shirt collar and get a whiff of weed. I groan, letting my head fall back against the tree. “Dammit. Thought this one was clean.”

“Unfortunately not.” He shakes the box. “You want one or no?”

I sigh and pluck a stick out of the box. Ty takes one as well, then pulls out a pristine silver Zippo lighter. He lights us both with one flame. I watch the paper crinkle and shrivel away into ash. I’m a bit nervous. Technically, I haven’t smoked anything in over a decade. Hopefully I can depend on past me’s muscle memory. 

Ty takes a long, deep draft and breathes out a long puff of smoke. I try to mimic him. My lungs burn with the heat of twin suns. I wheeze out, thumping my chest. Ty throws his head back laughing,  hair touching his neck.

“You must be a shitty stoner,” he chuckles.

“Yeah,” I cough, “never been great at inhaling.”

“Bring it into your mouth, then your lungs. Don’t do it all once.”

I nod, even though I kind of knew that. Just been awhile. I smoked a few joints but I preferred my old bong. But I try again, doing what Ty said. This time I only cough a little instead of wheezing like the world’s most pathetic dragon.

“There you go,” Ty drawls. He’s definitely mocking me a little.

“Fuck off.”

“Christ, what bug crawled up your arse?”

I glare at him, and his face is completely unaffected. “The bug that Agatha broke up with me for you.”

He scoffs, flicking cigarette ash on the ground. “Your  ex- girlfriend did not break up with you to be with me. We’re only friends. I’d never date her.”

“That’s mean, Agatha is amazing.”

Ty rolls his eyes dramatically. “It has nothing to do with Agatha. She’s wonderful. I just don’t like women.”

My eyes grow wider than saucer plates “You’re gay?”

He cocks an eyebrow. How did he get so good at that? Does he practice in the mirror? “You have a problem with that, Snow?”

“No, no, of course not. Just didn’t realise...”

“It’s not like I’m hiding it.” He gestures to his perfectly pressed button down, spotless navy slacks, and polished Oxfords. Okay, he has a point, most straight men don’t take such meticulous care of their clothes. 2003 closeted me had the excuse of being heteronormative as fuck, but 2015 pansexual me needs to work on his gaydar.

“I, uh, didn’t want to assume...” Usually a safe answer in my experience.

“How noble.” Ty takes a long drag. I still hate cigarettes, but the way his lips fit around the smoke plume is kind of attractive. “Agatha knows I’m gay. I told her after she almost kissed me.”

“What?!” I throw down the cigarette and shoot to my feet. The fire in my gut is back, along with the sense of utter worthlessness. I fucked up so badly, made Agatha so miserable, that she nearly kissed a gay bloke. I feel so awful and confused and I don’t know what I'm supposed to do, I’m just mad.

He rolls his eyes,  again. “Sit down, alpha male, I said ‘almost.’ I’m not even sure she realised what she was doing, we were both completely pissed. She leaned forward slightly and I blurted out that I was gay. Then she promptly burst into tears.”

My heart feels like someone has reached inside and twisted every vein. My arms relax at my sides. “She...she was crying?”

“Yes, quite heavily.” He taps the cig with one long, graceful finger. (Does he play piano? He should.) “She said she was sorry, then blubbered for an hour about how conflicted she felt about wanting to break up with you.”

The impact of those words send me back down onto the bench. My whole body feels heavier than lead. “She felt conflicted?”

“Of course she did.”

“I-I thought this was easy for her. That our relationship was already going downhill, then I did something so bad she decided to end it. And then I thought it was because she found you, someone better than me.”

Ty scoffs. “My god, she was right, you are completely oblivious.”

I scowl at him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what I said. You’re so blind to what you’ve been doing.”

“What’ve I been doing?!”

“You’ve been a terrible boyfriend!” he yells. “You’re forgetful, you miss things, you don’t pay attention to Agatha, and most of all you take her for granted!” He sighs, rolling the half finished cig between his fingers. “Ags says you don’t mean to do it, you’re just oblivious, but she’s still hurt. There isn’t one bad thing you did, Snow. You’ve been hurting her for awhile.”

Every word is slap to the face. My body literally aches with all the guilt I feel. Ty is right. I was an awful,  awful boyfriend. Every missed date, every burnt meal, every stupid thing I’ve ever said, they all rush into me. Fucking hell. How could I have not seen it? I always had reasons, and they were always small things. But I guess a lot of small things pile up.

“Fuck,” I choke out. Tears make little wet spots on the dirt floor. I don’t know when I started crying again. God, I’m a mess.

“Please don’t cry,” Ty says, sounding almost sympathetic. “I only have so many cigarettes.”

That makes a laugh surprisingly fly out of my mouth. Yet I’m still picking at my nails, flicking away bits of my cuticle like I want to get rid of my pain. I’m nervously babbling before I even realise it. “My brain’s always filled with...stuff. Keeping my scholarship, keeping my job, working towards my future. E-Everything’s always been about my future, what I’ll do eventually, even with Agatha. She was supposed to be my happy ending after all the shit I’ve been through.”

“She’s a person,” he mutters, “not your goal.”

“I know that!” I rub away more tears. “Well, I’m learning. I dunno. I-I had a shitty childhood, okay? So I’m always waiting for things to get better. And I thought if I did well at school and found a nice girl, things would just fall into place. Turns out shit is more complicated than that.”

I laugh to try to break the tension, but Ty stays silent. I cautiously flick my eyes over to him. He’s still holding his cigarette. It’s burnt down to the filter. His face is stone again, yet I can see the slight tremor in his fingers. It’s miniscule but it’s there. I don’t think he’s okay, but I barely know this guy, I’m scared to ask.

“I don’t know how to fix things with Agatha,” I sigh. “I’m bad at talking, bad at relationships, sometimes bad at friendships. It’s not like I want her back. I...I just want her in life. She’s amazing. I don’t- I can’t lose her again.”

“Again?” he says. My face goes bright red and my breath hitches. Fuck. Stupid time travel, screwing things up.

“Y-Yeah, we’ve had fights before, stopped talking for a while. I know this feeling, I hate it. I want her to be in my life and be happy and I don’t know how to do that!”

“Tell her that.”

I face him, blinking in confusion. “What?”

Ty sighs and flicks the butt onto the ground, crushing it beneath the toe of his utterly perfect oxford. “Tell her that. Say you’re scared and clueless but you want to still be friends, so you want to figure out how to do that. Be honest. What else are you going to do?”

My mouth flaps up and down. Fuck. It’s so damn obvious yet it never came to mind. I thought I needed something big and smart so Agatha would understand. But... “All I need to do is be honest with her.”

“Exactly.”

I smile for the first time since I got here. “Wow, can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

“You do seem to be a bit thick.” His slight smirk and teasing lilt save me from getting angry. I scoff and shake my head.

“Yeah, well, you seem like a bit of a prick.” He scoffs too, but he’s still smiling.

We sit there in silence for a little. All I can hear is birds chirping and students in the distance. I feel calm. So calm I don’t want to get up for a while. I just want to catch my breath. Ty slowly tilts his head back over the bench.

“I haven’t sat down in awhile,” he says quietly, almost as if to himself, but too loud for me not to hear. “I’m always at class or studying. I don’t sit down and just...sit.”

“Well you haven’t really been only sitting,” I chuckle. “You’ve been helping me.”

“Would it be sad that this has actually been the most relaxing time I’ve had in months?”

“Uh, yeah, and a bit concerning.”

Ty laughs a little louder this time. His smile seems a bit more genuine, but his pretty eyes are a bit sad. It may just be his face. It looks like it’s designed for pouting. “I’m a political science and English double major getting ready for law school. My whole life is stress.”

I chuckle sadly. “Sounds like a nightmare.”

“It is. A nightmare I chose...” He spins the cigarette pack between two fingers. I know he’s just fiddling but it looks so damn cool when he does it.

“Doesn’t seem like you’re happy about that choice.”

His eyes shift over to me without moving his head. “Since when do you know anything about my feelings?”

I shrug, crossing my arms. “I usually know what sadness looks like.”

Ty sighs. He rubs his temple slowly with his elegant ring finger. (What is with my finger fetish today?) “Ever since I was little, it was expected that I follow in the family tradition. Get perfect grades, go to a good university, go to an even better law school, become a lawyer, then finally take over the family practice. It’s what my mother did. It’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Doesn’t matter what I want,” he scoffs.

I tilt my head towards him, but not too close to scare him away. “Well, if you could do what you want, what would you do?”

“I told you, it doesn’t mat-”

“Then pretend it does matter. What would you do for the rest of your life?”

Ty sinks further into the bench. It makes his stupid tweed jacket bunch up slightly, and he almost looks like a normal young adult. “Honestly, I just want to read books forever.”

I giggle quietly, and Ty glares at me with a now obvious flush in his cheeks. “Fuck off,” he snarls.

“I’m not laughing at you!” He doesn’t look convinced. “It’s just, when I first saw you, I never expected you to be a total bookworm. You seem too posh for that.” Ty snorts, keeping his arms crossed. He won’t meet my eyes. I lean closer, and he doesn’t back away. “Reading books forever sounds hellish to me, but it sounds like heaven for you. It’s a great idea. Why not do it?”

Ty’s glare somehow gets even more intense. His eyes are just slivers of beautiful grey. “Because I’m a responsible person, unlike you.”

The words hit me right in the gut. I scowl deeply at him. “That is beyond not okay. You don’t know me, you don’t know my life. So you don’t get to spew shit like that just because you’re pissed off. Got it?”

Honestly, I’m surprised how clear and articulate I’m being. A year with Dr. Margaret has made it a lot easier for me to stand up for myself in a meaningful way, not just with growls and punching. But still, it’s hard, and I did this so easily. I’ve really made progress.

Ty scowls back, but I don’t back down. I’ve always been good at standing my ground, thankfully. Slowly, Ty’s face falls and gets less angry. In fact, he looks a bit regretful. We slowly move apart again. He takes a few deep breaths before he finally speaks again.

“You’re right,” he says, “I’m sorry.”

“Good, apology accepted.” I lean my cheek onto my fist. “Seems both of us are having trouble with our futures.”

“Mine is secure.”

“But not happy.”

He rubs his lips together, like he’s chewing his words. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Why not? Why not do what you want instead?”

“Because I’ve already applied to law school!”

“Okay.” I put my back to the bench again, staring up at the sky through the trees. “Well, I’m nearly done with my maths and am about to start my teaching degrees. Then I've got a private school job lined up, but who knows? Maybe I’ll hate the job and quit and work at shitty customer service jobs for years until I decide to get my shit together and find an actually good teaching gig at a school I like.”

Ty’s dark brows furrow together. “That is extremely specific.”

I shrug, hoping my smirk doesn't say too much. “I don’t know, just a possibility.”

“Alright,” he snorts. “My life will be fine, it won’t go off the rails.”

He looks so sure and resolute. I don’t think I’m going to change his mind, and I don’t think it’s my job to. I can’t save everyone, something Dr. Margaret taught me. Plus I just met this guy. No matter how pretty he is, I don’t know him. (Wish I did.) Hopefully he can figure out his own shit.

“Okay. Your life, you can figure it all out.” I put my hands behind my head, leaning back, staring at the sky.

“Your life is going to be fine,” Ty says. “Agatha says that despite what you think, you’re smart. And I’m partial to agree. You have trouble with relationships, but who doesn’t? You’ve still got a good head on your shoulders. You’ll figure everything out too.”

I can feel my face turns bright red, and from the smirk on Ty’s face he can see it. I rub the back of my neck, trying to use my arm to hide my blush. “Y’know, I get why Agatha liked you. You’re weirdly nice and, well, really hot.”

Now it’s Ty’s turn to have his eyes go wide. He looks very cute. “Wow, you’re pretty forward for a straight guy.”

“Whoever said I was straight?” I smirk at him with one eyebrow raised. I hope I look confident and sexy and not just fucking weird.

“Oh.” His voice is almost a squeak. “I’m sorry I assumed.”

“S’alright, common mistake.” I look down at my stupid Nokia. “Wow, you’re beyond late for your class.”

Ty scoffs. “And who’s fault is that?”

“Okay, yeah, guilty as charged. You should probably get to it though. Need good grades for law school and all.”

“Yes, good point.” He stands up, and I follow, hands in my pockets. I both hate and love that Ty is a little taller than me. “But...it was nice to talk to you, Snow.”

“Feeling’s mutual, Ty. So, uh, see you around.”

I grin brightly, then turn around before I say something really stupid. I usually do in front of pretty people. Plus I need to see Agatha. That’s why I’m here, back in 2003. I’m not supposed to be chasing after a pretty guy who went to my uni ages ago. Even if he is like,  really pretty.

“Simon.” His voice makes me stop in my tracks and turn back.

“Yeah?”

Ty steps forward and holds out a scrap of lined paper. “Since you’re newly single, and now I know you’re not straight, give me a call sometime? If you’re up to it, that is.”

My brain completely short circuits. Blows a fuse. Maybe every fuse. I just stare at Ty with my mouth hanging open for a bit too long. Ty starts to look genuinely concerned. But thankfully the synapses start firing again and I shake it off.

“Um, y-yeah,” I say. “Yeah, I would like that.” I take the paper. “Uh, thank you.”

“You’re most welcome. I hope to see you around as well.”

I watch as he walks away, and I’m mesmerised by the way his hips swing. Fuck, he is so hot. And he likes  me. I honestly have no clue why but I’m not going to question it. I have to make sure to call him before I go back to 2020. But right now I have to find Agatha, so I carefully put the paper in the smallest pocket of my bag, then dash off towards Aggie’s dorm.

———————————————

I knock on the door softly, and there’s no answer at first. “Aggie?” I say. “I came here to say I’m sorry. I won’t yell, I promise.”

Still silence at first. I nearly leave, but then the sound of soft footsteps comes from under the door. The doorknob slowly turns and my pulse increases every second. Agatha is wearing her purple Watford lacrosse sweater, a pair of my trackies that I left behind last week, and blonde hair piled up in a bun. Her eyes are puffy and her cheeks are red. My stomach drops at the sight.

“What are you sorry for?” she asks, voice low and flat. She sounds more tired than angry. For some reason that hurts even more.

I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, Ags. Our relationship didn’t fall apart for no reason. I didn’t pay attention to what you wanted and took you for granted. I was a terrible boyfriend. And I’m really, really sorry.” I start nervously pulling at my hair. “I-I’m not saying we should get back together. We weren’t happy, and you deserve someone who will put you first. But I still want to be your friend. You’re one of my first and best friends. I’m not sure how to do that, considering I was such an shit boyfriend, but can we figure it out? Together?”

Agatha rubs her lips together, taking slow deep breaths. Her fingers tap against the door one by one. I don’t know if I’m going to throw up or run or both. All are possible. But then Agatha nods slowly.

“Okay,” she sighs.

“Okay?”

“Let’s try to be friends again. I don’t want to lose you either.”

I grin ear to ear. “Okay, awesome, that’s great. I’m so glad you want to as well. I do love you, Ags, and I’m sorry I hurt you so much.”

“Apology accepted, Si, so you don’t need to do it anymore. Let’s just move forward, alright?”

“Alright, yeah, I’d like that.” I rub my neck and nervously gnaw at my lip. “Um, could I hug you? As a friend?”

She smiles softly. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile. Not just because I’m from the future, but I can’t remember the last time she smiled back when we were together. I hope I can make her smile more now.

“Yeah,” she says, “that would be nice.”

We both step forward and throw our arms around each other. I haven’t hugged Agatha in a long time either. Sure, we snogged and had sex, (though not very often honestly), but this is so much better. There’s no pressure or nerves. It feels normal. The most normal I’ve ever felt with her.

As we slowly part, we’re still smiling. “You,” Agatha pokes my chest, “need to study for your exam on Monday.”

I chuckle and nod, being silently thankful  I’m not doing that exam again. Once was more than enough. “Yeah, I know. This felt more important though. You’re more important.”

She blinks in confusion. I can’t blame her. Past me was always too focused on my work so that I could reach the happy ending I always wanted. Future me is figuring out that there is no happy ending. There’s just life, and I have to make it what I want, not just wait for happiness to fall into my lap. I haven’t got it down pat but I’m getting there. That’s more than good enough.

“Well, I’m definitely glad to hear that,” Agatha says. “Call me tomorrow. We’ll go get brunch, okay?”

I nod enthusiastically. “Sounds great.” The voice in the back of my head reminds me about the small fact of time travel, and that when I go back to 2015, past me is only going to remember bits and pieces of this day. “But, uh, studying may fry my brain. So could you maybe call instead? And I’ll call next time?”

Agatha sighs with exasperation, but she’s still smiling. “Alright, that’s a valid excuse.” She presses a small kiss to my cheek. It’s completely platonic, and it feels great. “See you later, Simon.”

“Yeah, definitely.” I hug her tight one more time before I go. She gives me a kind wave before closing her door. I’m grinning like a mad man as I walk down the hell. I did it, I saved my friendship with Agatha. I’m so damn happy. Plus I met Ty.

Oh right. I reach into my bookbag, feeling around for my notebook. My hand curls over the rings of the spine as I push open the stairwell door. And I instantly fall face first onto the dirty public school floor.

“Mr, Snow!” Ms. Petty, the nicest janitor in the entire school, possibly in the whole world, rushes to me. “Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah,” I say. “I’m fine. Just clumsy.”

“Here, let me help.”

I take her hand and she hoists me to my feet. I still feel a bit dizzy, a small side effect of time travel I know all too well now. Ms. Petty keeps a hand on my back until I regain my bearings. “Alright, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll be alright.”

“Okay, dearie.” She pats my shoulder. “Go get some rest, get your mind off work.”

“Right, yeah, work...”

Ebb gives me one last comforting pat and goes back to sweeping the hallway floor. I wave at her as I leave, hoping she doesn’t see the distress in my face. 

Fuck.

———————————————

AN: Chapter 2 will be posted within the next week, i.e whenever I'm well enough to edit it lol. See you all next time!

[szopenhauer]

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? no

Who is the person you would least like to be stuck in a lift with? Why? smelly drunk puking rapist murderer - do I really have to explain? If your parents looked in your inbox and read your messages, would they find out anything you didn’t want them to know? my sexts Have you cried at all during the past week? ... When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? now, no comment Who was the last person you had an argument with? how would you feel if that person never spoke to you again? both good and bad

Do you like forks with three metal pokers, or four? I don’t care Would you ever wear a hat with cat ears on it? I already do 

Have you ever eating raw sugar by itself? when I was a kid I was stealing it from my grandma’s sugar-bowl  Do you paint your left or right hand fingernails first? I don’t recall but probably left as I’m righty What about for your feet? not that I paint them but whatever What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? hmm... Do you think fish are cute? some can be If you found an ant on your food, would you still eat it? doubt it How much do you weigh? 42 kg now

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? but dates or relationship?

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? just school

Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? every subject you talk about constantly is getting on my nerves tbh

Is there anything you need to say to anyone? I don’t know how/what/if I should/want to

If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? my dad

If given the choice, would you rather go to Subway or a Chinese restaurant? Subway

Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? many ways

Whose car were you in last? I was in a taxi

How late did you stay up last night? I barely slept at all because of cannula/venflon and feeling like I’m choking, also noise and anxiety

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? coming home 

Who did you last see in person? mom

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? today (my father)

What is on your wrists right now? finally nothing and that feels weird, I constantly want to fix my ID wristband but it’s not there anymore

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? second hand - it has an elephant and Perfectly imperfect written on it

Do you like clowns? very

Are you listening to anything at the moment? I am

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? it happens at times but only rarely

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? we don’t own a dishwasher

Are you at home or with friends more often? home and I like it that way

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? noooo

Do you own a strapless bra? nah

How are you feeling at this exact moment? it’s complicated

Are you someone who worries too often? absolutely

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? obvi

What is one good thing you’re known for? How about one bad thing? don’t ask me

Are you taller than most? lmfao 

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? take a guess...

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? it seems

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? going out as dating or just spending time with somebody outside?

When was the last time you showered? few days ago because I couldn’t move my arm :( 

Who did you last talk to in person? my mother

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? yeah

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? hahaha

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? not sure

What area of math are you best at? Worst? dunno

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? only Dorota had similar taste in music to mine not counting my current gf’s love towards 80s songs that we share

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? often?

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? yes

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? sure

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? everything?...

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? mixed feelings

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? -

Have you ever considered going to art school? I have considered and am slightly regretting that I didn’t

How quickly can you write an essay? depends

Favorite episode of Spongebob? it’s not my fav but I remember the one where Spongebob painted the room most (why tho?)

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? would say so

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? I might

Do u own a rolling pin?: u don’t? :o

What’s your ideal indoor temperature?: never checked 

Does your kitchen have a theme?: ... apparently poop is the theme 

Are u a pack rat?: mhm

What’s the grossest thing u have found in your food?: bug, hair, piece of plastic...

Do u like ice cream sandwiches?: why not

Ever worn a flower in your hair?: for a moment

What surgeries have u had?: none 

What health problems do u have?: what health problems I don’t have?...

Do u like to sleep in?: yasss

Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? who likes those? 

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? not really Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? omg thx for a reminder :o What is something you worry about often? every single thing Do you walk fast or slow? compared to?... Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. not at all Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? not as much as majority of people, I can wait for a long time when I see the point and don’t feel the worst, I don’t need much entertainment to not get bored What form of public transport do you use most often? bus Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? the opposite Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? I’m an angel Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? I have shitload of notes but they’re not sticky  Would you eat a spider for $50? hell no Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? koala Are you easy to talk to? am I? Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle with one item pfft At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? scary but luckily I don’t travel by plane What other windows have you currently got opened? fb, youtube, tumblr drafts, google translator and google searching Who else is in the same building as you? my parents Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? maybe Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? what for? Would you like to visit Venice? no thx Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? my sister did Do you have any flags in your house? we occasionally put polish flag on balcony Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? just don’t throw trash on the ground on cemetery Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? that’s rude unless you really didn’t notice or had no choice Are you double-jointed? could say so At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? definitely not physics Which did you prefer between geography/history? neither Have you ever driven a tractor? didn’t have an opportunity  Does the smell of the countryside bother you? animal shit does Do you drink more water or juice? water 

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. I like it hot, I hate winter but I enjoy sweaters Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? stuffed only Do you enjoy going to the movies? prefer to watch movies at home

Are you an animal lover? I admire from afar How tall are you? according to my doctor I lost 2 cm  Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? God  Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? asexual/lesbian Are you more negative or more positive? negative Have you made any life altering decisions lately? I’m deciding

Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? not atm Have you made a CV? several Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) which was the last one... Are you photogenic? I’m ugly

What are you listening to right now? stopped because family member is asleep What are you going to do tomorrow? shopping if anything

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? been bullied

Think QUICK what word begins with c? clown :D

Are you a funny person? I believe  Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? personality is more important but I’m picky

Are you a flirty person? a bit

Are you homophobic? I’m homo myself so...

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? I know I ruin everybody’s lives

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? I don’t lock ‘em even when I’m not alone

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? nothing stupid

How is your hair currently styled? it’s dirty and after this survey I will wash my head finally

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake oh well...

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? I don’t think so

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? entire day just one thing?!

Are you stressed about anything? always Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? too dangerous for me Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? whoops :x What’s on your bed? it’s so clean/empty that it freaks me out Are you texting anyone? no longer

Did your last beverage contain caffeine? it was just water

Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? did not

What’s your least favourite song by your favourite artist? for example - one of my fav bands - Queen - I dislike Radio Gaga and We will rock you

What’s your best friend’s middle name? no middle name!

Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? my partner

If the person you miss turned up at your door now, how would you react? woah wtf

Where were you THREE hours ago? in here

What are you wearing right now? my leggings with colorful heart pattern

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? parent

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? I got two shirts and socks 

What day is tomorrow? Friday

Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? we’re together now again

Ever use someone else’s toothbrush? that’s disgusting, don’t!

[mintiemarmalade]

GET TO KNOW ME TAG

Rules: Post a picture of your simself with your traits and answer the questions so your followers can get to know you better!

I was tagged by the lovely @surreysimmer, @racingllama​ + @storylegacysims​! Thank you so much bbs. ♡

I tag @pixeloasis​, @simsiecakes​ + @gottacatchemallsims​.

This has literally been sitting in my drafts halfway finished for the past week. Tbh I completely forgot about it until @storylegacysims​ tagged me this morning. 🙈

Anywhooo, this is my simself. I’ve given her the geek, goofball + foodie traits. (Truthfully, glutton would probably be more accurate but your simself is supposed to be a better, more ideal version of yourself, right?)

Questions below the cut ↴

1. What is your name?

Kayla

2. What is your nickname?

My family calls me Katy / Katy bug, for some reason.

3. Birthday?

June 17, 1994

4. What is your favorite book series?

Harry Potter, duh.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

Yes

6. Who is your favorite author?

J.K. Rowling, duh.

7. What is your favorite radio station?

Octane, Pop2K, and PopRocks on Sirius XM.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything?

Chocolate, banana, or pumpkin.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

Lovely, wonderful, superb, idk all are viable options.

10. What is your current favorite song?

I honestly don’t even know.

11. What is your favorite word?

TUFT

12. What was the last song you listened to?

Misery Business by Paramore (I have my beloved throwback playlist playing.)

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

Boy Meets World - I firmly believe that the world would be a much better place if everyone had Mr. Feeny as a teacher.

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

Harry Potter or pretty much any Disney / Pixar movie.

15. Do you play video games?

Way too much, if I’m being honest.

16. What is your biggest fear?

Being alone, rejection, socializing, tight / crowded spaces, etc. I’m a big scaredy cat, okay. Leave me alone.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion?

I’m hilarious. I’m incredibly caring and loyal.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

My crippling anxiety.

9. Do you like cats or dogs better?

DOGS but cats are nice too.

20. What is your favorite season?

Fall - I sweat less and all the bugs die.

21. Are you in a relationship?

N O P E

22. What is something you miss from your childhood?

Innocence, being naive to how terrible the world actually is.

23. Who is your best friend?

Hannah ♡

24. What is your eye color?

Green

25. What is your hair color?

Auburn

26. Who is someone you love?

My dog

27. Who is someone you trust?

Hannah

28. Who is someone you think about often?

My sims

29. Are you currently excited about/for something?

CHRISTMAS

30. What is your biggest obsession?

The Sims, probably.

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Boy Meets World

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

Aaron and Joe, I suppose.

33. Are you superstitious?

Nope

34. Do you have any unusual phobias?

Fun fact, butterflies cause me a lot of anxiety for some reason. Conveniently, I found this out while in a one of those butterfly sanctuaries at the zoo.

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

Behind. I’m quite literally the least photogenic person ever.

36. What is your favorite hobby?

Playing video games, eating, sleeping. Do those count?

37. What was the last book you read?

I... actually don’t know?

38. What was the last movie you watched?

Crimes of Grindelwald.....

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any?

I mean, not to brag or anything but I played the recorder in fourth grade~

40. What is your favorite animal?

SLOTHS

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

You can’t make me choose.

42. What superpower do you wish you had?

Teleportation

43. When and where do you feel most at peace?

When I’m with Hannah tbh.

44. What makes you smile?

Making other people smile / laugh.

45. What sports do you play, if any?

Sports hurt.

46. What is your favorite drink?

Sweet tea

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

I have no idea.

48. Are you afraid of heights?

My fear of heights is directly correlated with my probability of falling.

49. What is your biggest pet peeve?

People who are rude to food service / retail employees.

50. Have you ever been to a concert?

Yes

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian?

I could never.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Teacher

53. What fictional world would you like to live in?

Stars Hollow

54. What is something you worry about?

Literally everything.

55. Are you scared of the dark?

Sometimes, it depends.

56. Do you like to sing?

Like to, yes. Am I any good? Not at all.

57. Have you ever skipped school?

Yes

58. What is your favorite place on the planet?

Wherever my friends are.

59. Where would you like to live?

I care less about where exactly and more about having the people I love near me.

60. Do you have any pets?

Yes, one doggo named Neville.

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

NIGHT OWL

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

Sunsets

63. Do you know how to drive?

Yes

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds - headphones make my ears feel claustrophobic.

65. Have you ever had braces?

Nope

66. What is your favorite genre of music?

Early to mid 2000′s punk~ I never outgrew my emo phase, sorry mom.

67. Who is your hero?

My mom

68. Do you read comic books?

No

69. What makes you the most angry?

Seeing those I love get hurt / taken advantage of.

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

I prefer the experience of a real book but I do appreciate the convenience of an electronic device.

71. What is your favorite subject in school?

Psychology

72. Do you have any siblings?

One brother + one sister

73. What was the last thing you bought?

Christmas presents!

74. How tall are you?

5′4

75. Can you cook?

I mean, I can follow a recipe sometimes.

76. What are three things that you love?

My mom, my friends, and my dog.

77. What are three things that you hate?

Tomatoes, socks, and loud noises.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends?

Well, I guess more male friends, with a ratio of 2:1. (I only have three friends lol.) Unless we’re also counting internet friends, then the females far outnumber the males.

79. What is your sexual orientation?

Straight

80. Where do you currently live?

Southern Illinois

81. Who was the last person you texted?

Hannah

82. When was the last time you cried?

Probably yesterday over something stupid. I cry a lot lol.

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber?

Jenna Marbles

84. Do you like to take selfies?

Not really, no.

85. What is your favorite app?

DISCORD

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

Mom - decent. Dad - non-existent.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent?

All of them. Accents are so cute OMG.

88. What is a place that you've never been to, but you want to visit?

Japan

89. What is your favorite number?

2

90. Can you juggle?

Lol no.

91. Are you religious?

Yes

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting?

SPACE

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

Not at all

94. Are you allergic to anything?

Deathly allergic to sulfa - the doctors almost killed me when I was a baby.

95. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears?

Nope

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

This is complicated because I doubt myself a LOT but I’m also incredibly stubborn.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach?

Beach

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

On the last day of my senior year, my history teacher left us with two words of advice before we departed: 1) never tattoo your face, and 2) don’t give your kids a stupid name. It still makes me laugh whenever I think about it.

100. Are you a good liar?

NO

101. What is your Hogwarts House?

HUFFLEPUFF ♡

102. Do you talk to yourself?

Pfft she and I have full-blown conversations sometimes~

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

More accurately, I would consider myself an ambivert.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary?

I’ve never been able to keep up with one.

105. Do you believe in second chances?

I do, and it kicks me in the ass more often than not.

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

Try to return it.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change?

Yes, but the person must be willing to change.

108. Are you ticklish?

Yes

109. Have you ever been on a plane?

Once, when I was five.

110. Do you have any piercings?

Nope

111. What fictional character do you wish was real?

CatDog, I have so many questions~

112. Do you have any tattoos?

No

113. What is the best decision that you've made in your life so far?

To love myself

114. Do you believe in karma?

I don’t know, maybe.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

Glasses - I’ve never worn contacts.

116. Do you want children?

Eventually, yes...

117. Who is the smartest person you know?

Aaron’s a pretty smart dude, I suppose.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory?

My existence in and of itself is embarrassing tbh.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

Many, many times. I stay up for 48+ hours sometimes~

120. What color are most of you clothes?

I own a lot of blue apparently.

121. Do you like adventures?

Yes, as long as they don’t involve any strenuous activity.

122. Have you ever been on TV?

Not that I know of.

123. How old are you?

24

124. What is your favorite movie quote?

I honestly don’t know.

125. Sweet or savory?

SAVORY

[katiebug445]

Katie says goodbye to the Supernatural cons.

Alright, so, I’ve been putting off writing this post for a couple days, because exhaustion hit me like a freight train and I’ve been feeling icky and sickly for awhile, so bleh. But okay. Time to get emo on main. 

So about five years ago, around this time of year, actually, i finally got the chance to go to my first ever convention. me and some friends at the time were all planning on going to the Salute to Supernatural convention in Minneapolis, Minnesota in August of 2015. I was so excited to finally get to do this, because I’d been wanting to go to a con since 2011. This was my chance to finally go, and see Richard Speight Jr, and make a dumb dream that kept me alive for a long time come true. And it was, without a doubt, the most magical, and important experience of my life to date. 

Around this time, I was beginning to come up in the fandom. i had a really good following, my fics were getting a lot of attention, i was in with a group that was insanely popular, and life was actually really good. The show was the most important thing in my life, and i had countdowns going until it came back on in the fall. i was in very deep in the fandom, and it was my main source of happiness, so going to this con was going to be fucking HUGE for me.

^^ freshly turned 20 year old Katie out there living the best life she could at the time. she was trying her best. 

So we get to Minneapolis on that Thursday, and we’re walking around, and it hadn’t exactly sunk in yet that I was there. Like, I knew I was going, and I knew what was all going to happen, but I hadn’t been like “oh god this is happening” as of then. 

I remember the moment that it did sink in, though. We were sitting in our seats, Richard and Rob were up on stage doing the rules and regulations, and I kind of came back into my body and realized that i was shaking a LOT, and i just remember looking around the auditorium, and then back up to the stage, and hearing Richard’s voice. I thought to myself “You did it. You made it here. You stayed alive for this moment right here. You fucking did it.” and that’s when everything sunk in completely for me. 

i remember crying a lot after that. 

The con was everything I imagined it would be. I laughed a TON, i got to spend time with some - at the time - really good friends, and I was very swept up in the magic of the whole weekend, and I never wanted that feeling to go away. 

Then on Sunday, I got to meet Richard in person. 

I won’t go into details, and I’ll spare the sob story that lead up to all of it, but I will summarize and say that Sunday at Minncon 2015 remains one of the most important days of my entire life. there was so much personal feelings wrapped up in all of that, and I still have no clue how i managed not to break down crying as soon as i saw him. 

I love that man more than just about anything else, even to this day. richard is still a driving force to me to keep on going with life no matte what happens, and i owe him so much for that. 

anyways, i loved the con. I loved the show, the cast, the whole experience. I walked away from that with some of the best memories that i will keep with me forever. I’ve said this a thousand times before over the last several years, but Richard Speight makes those conventions an incredible experience. The effort he puts into them, the way he treats his fans, all of it makes the cons so special for me. I thank him so much for being such a wonderful person, and making me want to go back again and again and again. 

And i wanted so badly to do just that. I wanted to see Richard again. I wanted to do the cons, and hang out with friends more, and just do the whole fucking thing. Because that was peak happiness for me. it still is, in some ways. 

Between the ending of 2015 and the beginning of 2017, i had a bad falling out with the people i went to Minncon with. i lost a lot of my popularity, i backed way off of all of the corners of the fandom that I’d made a name for myself in, and i kept my head down. I did and said some really stupid stuff that I’m not exactly proud of, and I paid the price for it. As a result, i started backing off. 

But I still loved Richard, and i wanted to see him again. 

So I saved. And saved. And saved even more. And in February of 2017, I got the chance to do it all again. I got to meet and hang out with a BUNCH of friends on that trip, and I got to spend a lot of time with two people who have become so important to me, and who I love dearly. 

i owe that to Nashville. 

^^ 21 year old Katie, had experienced a lot of bullshit and was living a her goodest life, but not her best. Still trying to get through some shit and attempting to grab life by the balls once more. 

Nashville was... an experience.

the company that puts on the cons ended up doing a mega price raise, and everything went up by a lot of dollars (i’m too tired to math now, but it was a fucking LOT of money and even more stress by the time i got to buy tickets). I was really mad about it, and decided that nashville would be my second and last con. 

i decided to go ahead and go all out with it since nobody would ever see me again. 

I got to see richard right out of the gate again on that Friday, and actually got the chance to talk to him for a moment (i use that term very loosely, seeing as my “talking” is just me stuttering out two or three words and running away)  and by some fucking miracle, richard actually fucking remembered my dumb face, and that made my entire life up to that point worth living (still kinda does tbh). I hurried out of the autograph line with my buddies, found the nearest chair i could plop down into where he wouldn’t see me, and i cried. i cried real ass tears (thanks for putting up with me, that day, christy!)

I actually got called up to do karaoke this time with one of my absolute best friends and favorite people, and we fucking rocked it. for four minutes, we were rockstars and it was fucking great. we got to act like idiots and get yelled at by Matt Cohen (KAZOO KREW FOR LIFE!) and ugh. it was just incredible.

Saturday was good. tt’s kind of a blur of ups and downs and photo ops, but overall, it was a good day. Same with Sunday. I know a lot more tears were shed by a lot of people in our group. And christy and brandi screamed at misha collins. That was fucking hilarious. 

Nashville was a fucking great con, and despite all the crap that happened during and after, i wouldn’t trade it or change a single thing about it. I loved that con, and the people i got to go to it with. we all had an incredible time. 

And part of me still, despite everything i told myself, wanted to go again. 

Between February and May of 2017, i underwent a huge change in my life: I somehow got talked into watching anime with a - at the time - good friend of mine, and realized “wow. this is actually a lot better than what spn has done for a long time.” and it kinda pissed me off because WOW THIS IS WHAT SHOWS COULD BE LIKE WITH WELL WRITTEN FEMALE CHARACTERS THAT DON’T DIE!!!!! (thank you, fma for helping me see that light!). i was mad, but i was still devoted to spn, and yadda yadda yadda. 

in May of 2017, i watched the finale of season 12 at my friend Cas’s place, and the finale left such a bad taste in my mouth, that i decided that was it. i was angry, i was hurt, i was completely done. i stepped completely out of the fandom, i muted all the fan accounts i followed on twitter, i spent that whole summer getting farther into the weeb side of life, and farther away from my spn roots. 

and i’ve never fucking regretted it since. 

I started looking into conventions for anime around my hometown, and ended up finding one that looked fun. And Ohayo was a fucking BLAST - but that’s a post that’s been sitting in my drafts since january that i haven’t written up yet. I’ll finish writing that eventually...

but i was so done with spn by that point that i wasn’t even upset that nashville was the last con for me. 

I had started getting back into the fandom during s13, started writing fic again, and THEY ACTUALLY BROUGHT MY HONEYBEAR SON, MY PRIDE AND JOY, MY EVERYTHING, MY FUCKING WAFFLE CHILD BACK AND EVERYTHING WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS BACK. I WAS LIVING MY BEST FUCKING LIFE. 

and then... then they took him away from me again. for nothing more than shock value. 

and then i said nope fuck this im out im done fuck you all i’m going full ass weeb. FUCK IT ALL. i doubled down on my belief that i was doing no more cons, no more anything. 

And then the fuckers announced that there would be a convention in cleveland, OH. Which I had been single-handedly campaigning for a con here for YEARS. When I finally get out of the fandom, they give us one. Absolute bastards! 

So, with a defeated sigh, i decided “one more. one more and then it’s over for real.” 

besides, i really, really, really, REALLY wanted to see richard again. 

So i decided, why not get the remaining members of the gang back together, and go out with a fucking blast? that kinda worked. i got one member of the gang to come with me, and the other was there in spirit. 

Richard cancelled about a week and a half before, which meant that my main reason for going was gone. and then misha cancelled until sunday, which meant my other reason for going was gone. but i still wanted to go and say goodbye to the cons and what little bit of the cast was there.

so we get there on friday, knowing full well friday is the only day we’re going, we didn’t buy tickets, we didn’t do anything to give creation our money, and we went in AOT cosplay because we’re cringy cool like that. and it was... surprisingly freeing.

^^ 23 year old Katie, who at this point has seen so much shit it doesn’t phase her anymore. Living an even better life than 2015!Katie. much more confident in herself, and a lot happier in general. Still trying her best. 

the con itself was a shitshow. it was an absolute shitshow. but i had every bit as much fun hanging in the lobby with my friend as i did actually doing the panels and stuff. i knew this was my goodbye, and having the con be so higuhgieh actually made it a little easier to say goodbye to it. karaoke was a fucking blast, and i shouted and danced the entire night, and my poor voice suffered. 

you’d think i just saw my best friend get eaten by a titan right in front of my eyes by how gone my voice was by the end of the night. -cough-

on the way back to the hotel is when it hit me that it was officially over. i cried the whole 20 minute drive back, knowing that this was the final time i’d ever see any of it. my last karaoke. my last chance to see everyone. my last spn con.  it was so bittersweet, because i had such a blast, but it was done. it was all done.

and i didn’t even get to say bye to the man that i owe everything to. that’s what hurt the most about the whole thing. 

i wouldn’t trade the cons for anything. i spent some of the best (and worst) years of my life doing them. the experiences and memories i have from these conventions are ones i wouldn’t give up, even if i could spare myself some heartache or stress. i am so grateful for these opportunities to meet these incredibly talented people, and get to see my friends there, and just have the time of my life. there isn’t one thing about any of those cons that i regret. 

i am so sad to be giving them up, but i know it’s for the best. the prices keep going up, and it would take even longer to afford them, and i just can’t keep doing it to myself. the stress is crazy enough as it is, and there’s a lot i’ve missed out on trying to afford these things. 

Not only that, but I’ve grown and evolved so much from that 19 year old doing everything she could to save back for her first con - and out of state trip. i’m not anywhere near who i was back then. i’ve gained much more confidence in myself, i’ve gained much more self worth, learned to control my anxiety/depression, and learned what i will and will not put up with from people. i’m a MUCH happier person than i was back then, and i’ve gained a lot of life experience and a lot of new interests over the last few years. so much has happened so fast, and almost everything has turned on its head. 

but one thing that hasn’t changed for me is my love for Richard Speight Jr. I have said it in this post alone several fucking times, but i adore Richard. He is without a doubt one of the funniest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and he makes these cons so special for a lot of people - myself included. he’s the reason I kept wanting to go back, the reason that i kept pushing through the bad times, he’s been my reason to “Always Keep Fighting”. I am so blessed to have so many memories with him, and they’re the ones i talk about more than anything when talking about the cons. He will always have a huge and special place in my heart, and he will still continue being one of the big reasons why I keep pushing, and keep going, even when i don’t want to. he has absolutely no idea how important him just existing has been for this dumbass, and i really wish that he did. i hope that he knows the impact he’s had on my life, and that he’s always been my favorite since the trickster first announced that he had more ass than a toilet seat. richard has been one of the biggest inspirations to me for the last 6 years, and i literally owe the man my life. i’m so happy that he exists. it makes things a little easier knowing that he does. 

I’m going to miss him so much that it hurts, and I hate that I didn’t get to see him or get to hug him one more time. that’s the hardest part for me about saying goodbye to the cons. 

it’s so bittersweet going forward now, because there’s this huge part of my life that’s over, and i don’t know how to fully express all of it, but im so glad that i got to be on the ride as long as i did. 

hopefully in the future, things will continue to be as fun as the last four and a half years have been. i can’t wait to see what future conventions hold for me and my friends. 

[littlemissnellie]

so here’s my right finger to how girls should behave,

‘cause sometimes what’s meant to break you makes you brave.

so...long time no see, I guess. well, it’s been like a month so kind of long time. but that’s not the point. I sat this post in my drafts for like a week and could never find the right way to start it, but to be honest, at this point I don’t think that there is a right way to start it, nor do I think that there is a right way to tackle this, or anything for that matter. sometimes you just have to jump straight in. yes, it might be scary, but you never get anywhere if you don’t try. I’ve never been the kind of person to try before; I was always too scared. 

that’s changed.

warning: do not read any more if you don’t care about personal shit or my stupidly long rants...

if you’re still here, thank you, first of all, but if we’re going to get anywhere, I’m going to have to take you back a bit...

the first half of this year was hard, I can’t put it any other way. I struggled getting from day to day, I felt miserable and I didn’t know what to do; I’d never been put in a situation like that before and as silly as it may seem, the whole prospect of being perpetually sad was pretty scary. I felt trapped; I couldn’t see things getting better, I could only see them getting worse. I spiralled and spiralled, grabbing desperately at the few hands that were kind enough to stretch out to me. I don’t know what it is about being sad, but when you’re in such a negative headspace your brain stops functioning rationally, at least it did for me, and every time these hands reached out to help me I couldn’t seem to fathom out how to grab on, and so I found myself slipping further and further until the hands disappeared and I landed on my backside with an almighty crack and a flood of tears.

I didn’t know what to do. I was led on to believe that what I was doing was okay for so long it became hard to think otherwise until I didn’t have an option not to and I was completely cut off. I couldn’t bring myself to open the tumblr app, I couldn’t even think about opening up my game and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I felt really alone and I know it sounds stupid, but it felt like I was sat at the bottom of a hole and the lights had been turned off; I had no idea where to go from there or how to get past this.

I’ve always really valued my friends but recently it has become clearer and clearer to me that I don’t seem to be a very good one myself; I’ve always believed that in times of adversity those who truly care make themselves known. I didn’t have that experience. I felt more alone than ever, but instead of letting myself crumble into the pile of dirt I felt like and sit at the bottom of that pit of despair until I adjusted to it, I mustered up what strength I had left in me, collected myself, brushed myself down and started to climb back up. if no one was there to help, I was going to do it on my own. 

now, I don’t know if you listened to the song I linked above or not, tbh I wouldn’t judge you if you didn’t, but I found that song right around the time I basically hit rock bottom and I’ve listened to it every day since. again, I know this probably sounds stupid but hearing that song changed something in me. I knew I had to change my mental state, I just couldn’t bring myself to think of where to start, but something about this song sparked something in me, a sort of courage and fight I didn’t know I still had: a fight for me and my own happiness. 

i’m a very strong believer in fate and that everything happens for a reason, so as hurt as I was, without going through it all I now know I wouldn’t have been able to come out the other side feeling stronger and better about myself than ever before. as soon as I took that first step everything started falling into place, more and more advice and motivation seemed to work its way into my life and soon those shaky, first few steps turned into eager leaps and bounds. I walked with my head held high and the confidence that had slipped from my grasp returned; I feel like I’ve climbed back out of that pit and have just kept on going, higher and higher; I’ve got a determination I’ve never had before: a determination to prove that I’m more than I ever let myself believe and I feel like I’ve finally got there. I just wish that I didn’t have to do so much damage to get here.

i logged off tumblr and avoided discord because I thought that was what was best; I felt like it was what everyone else wanted because I didn’t belong here and I thought that shutting myself away was the only thing left I could do. but the more time I spent away from my blog the more I missed it and the more I missed the community I’d tried to break into. yes, i’d probably been as successful at it as trying to pop a balloon with a spoon, but my new fighting spirit told me that I’d just been a coward and that quitting something I enjoyed because I was too worried about what others thought was ridiculous. why would I just let them win like that? 

so, for the first time I’m going to try putting myself and my own happiness first. I’m turning onto a new road and I’m keeping my eyes fixed firmly ahead; looking away will only end in a crash and oh how I crashed. but, I’m not going to let that scare me away forever; I’m getting back behind the wheel and trying again. I’m not going to compare myself to others and I’m not going to let me own negativity get me down anymore, that’s a promise; I deserve better than that, everyone does.

I determined my own self-worth on the opinions of others and it left me feeling like a piece of shit. and as the queen barrett wilbert weed herself says in the song: ‘i don’t need their good opinions, I have plenty of opinions, everybody has opinions but it doesn’t make them true, what’s true is being me.’ long-ass quote, I know, but at the end of the day, I am my own biggest priority and if I can’t even be good to myself how can I expect to be a good person for others? 

so today, at 12am on the 7th of June, marks a change. I turn 17 today and this is the year that I put myself first and unapologetically show who I am. I love sharing things on my blog and being a part of the sims community and I don’t want to let my insecurities get in the way of that anymore. 

I know I messed up the first time, but if you guys would be willing, I want to give this whole simblr thing another go, so that I can prove I’m not as shitty as I’ve no doubt made myself seem and to prove to myself that I can actually put myself out there and be a part of something where I feel like I belong. but if not, if I can’t be forgiven and this is goodbye, at least I know I can go with my head held high; I just didn’t want to leave feeling like a broken girl, not when I loved my time on here so much. I had to at least try. 

so, could this newly 17 year old, newly confident, newly happy, but same old awkward dork of a british girl possibly come back and give this another whirl?

- littlemissnellie

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

[quintessential-queer-indian-blog]

My first love

Dear anonymous,

In my previous post, I had mentioned about a certain person I had great unrequited feelings of love for. This is that story.

In my second year of college, I had the opportunity to start afresh. Due to a choice that we were offered at the end of our first year, our classes got shuffled and I was with a different set of classmates (for those who aren’t familiar with the Indian system of college education, just think of it as an extension of HS where you are to sit in the same classroom with teachers coming and going as per the schedule and your classmates remain the same too). Also, a new system was brought into place that allowed students the freedom to choose their courses and faculty. This brought about a degree of freedom and a randomness in classmates. Anyway, the second year lead to me meeting a new group of friends who I had the good fortune of sharing most classes with. We instantly clicked and I became a part of a loose “group” of friends. 

It was the first class of the semester and I’d met these new friends (who are still my friends at present). In this group of people was a guy who instantly caught my eye and stopped my breath. The moment I saw him, I knew that he was going to cause a hell of a tornado in my life. As usual, the attraction was mainly physical. To quote Hannah Baker from 13 Reasons Why: “That smile... That damned smile”. In his case, it was everything about him - the way he talked, laughed, looked. At first, I treated it as any normal crush like the ones I’d talked about before. It took me a little while getting used to being around someone who I considered so hot. He was in a few of my classes and very soon, he became quite a good friend of mine. This meant that we would hang out even outside of class. It was a weekend, almost four weeks into the new semester, and I was at home with nothing to do but watch a few sitcoms. However, something was off about me that weekend and the past few weekends before that as well. I had lost my appetite and I often found myself counting down the number of hours left for the next working day to start. This particular weekend, I was texting a friend and I spoke out my weird feelings to her - I felt like my time with him was limited, in the sense that he won’t stick around for much longer. It was very weird and uncomfortable, so much that I felt sick to my stomach. It was at that moment I realized that I was in too deep.

The next few weeks were torture because I realized that it was no longer just a crush; it was much more than that. I started fantasizing and considering our after-class hangouts as “dates” and I would buy him food. I would stroke his hair and touch him a lot, although he never thought too much of it because I wasn’t out to any of my friends at that time (he probably considered it “bromance”, which I feel is utter bullshit). After climbing up 14 floors for a class, my fatass self would huff and pant while he, who was extremely fit, would be totally normal. There was this one time where he even kept his hand on my chest to feel my heartbeat and kept my hand on his, in order to compare how fast mine was - an indication of how unhealthy I was *rolls eyes*. There was a few other incidents like this that brought me to a point of anime-style nosebleed. He used to stay in the hostel, and he asked me to accompany him to his room one day. When we went there, he took off his shirt to change into a t-shirt and that caused my second figurative nosebleed. He once showed me a shirtless pic he has sent to his girlfriend, just to show how “chutiya” he was (for those who don’t know what chutiya means, google it 😜). There were a few more of such occasions.

By the end of that semester, I was head-over-heels in love with him. Not infatuated, but in love. I could not stop thinking about him. Due to his scant social media presence, I tricked him into letting me take a few pictures of him (with help from my good friend) and I would stare at those pictures for hours together. I loved every single thing about him, and I know now that he had great respect for me too back then. The 2 month winter break between the semesters was pure torture because I could never see him or text him (he did not own a smartphone *rolls eyes*). The new semester started two weeks before Valentine’s Day (a day I dread with every fiber of my existence because of my extremely uninteresting love life), which was the day on which he broke up with his long-distance girlfriend. This brought him into an extra-horny flirty phase where he was looking for a rebound. The downfall started there. His personality changed and people around me saw it, but I was blinded by my emotions. He stopped hanging out with me after classes, as he would go to visit a girl he was interested in. I once saw him sitting with her on a staircase and my heart cracked audibly. That was the butterfly’s wing that caused the hurricane. I completely lost my mind and went into a dark, depressed shell. At that point, there was only one thing that could help me - confessing. This would mean that I’d have to come out to my other friends as well. One of them had already found out the previous semester. 

So one fine Saturday, I drafted a letter that conveyed all of my feelings and emotions. I had also clearly stated that I knew very well that he was straight and that confessing would help me move on. I wrote the final version of the letter and put it in an envelope addressed to him. That Monday, I thrust it into his hands after a class and ran away as fast as I could. My friends knew about this plan and were helping me out by texting me his reactions (which were very limited tbh). Later, he met me after the last class and returned the letter to me and said that I should be careful with it lest it fall into unwanted hands. He did not say much, just that it was foolish of me to have ever thought that he could have been homophobic (which is why I ran). One of my friends told me that after I’d given him the letter and he had gone to the next class, he told her that he had absolutely no idea about any of it. 

It would have been so much easier if it were just that; but things had to get even worse. Soon, I came back to my senses and saw him for who he truly was. He had absolutely no considerations about my emotions and treated me as if it were all some big joke. A lot of things happened that is way too personal to be shared with even you, my reader, that lead me to see the truth. At present, he is no longer a part of my friends group. In fact, none of my friends even like him or care about him because of who he had become after the break-up. 

What I took home from this whole experience is that love makes you incredibly daft and clueless about the truth. Lol, just kidding. That’s not it. It was a great experience albeit painful, and I learnt a lot from my mistakes. I realized that it would only hurt me if I ever let myself fall so deeply for someone whom I know so little about, and whom I know I have no future with. Since then, I’ve trained myself to only ever admire eye-candies from afar and see them for what they are - physically attractive people, that’s all. After experiencing unrequited love so many times, one becomes much wiser. I tried to convince myself that I would be someone who isn’t destined to be loved by anyone. It works for a while, until my stupid hope shatters any progress I’ve made. For now, I tell myself one thing that helps me sleep at night - all in good time. This could mean that I might find someone special when the time is right; or it could mean that when the time is right, I would finally truly internalize the fact that I may never get to be in a two-sided love, but that does not matter because maybe I’d finally stop overvaluing the feeling of “love” so much.

Until next time,

Happy Existence.