#ted conspiracy theories

[incorrect-losers]

Bev & Mike: *Eating Oreos*

Mike: Oh, fuck, these are so good

Bev *mouth full*: So good

Mike: And look at the intricate carvings

Bev: Yeah..

Bev *inspecting the Oreo*: Yeah, is this some Illuminati shit?

Mike: That’s what I’ve heard! Like, if you can decipher what’s on an Oreo, you can know the mind of God

Bev: I heard no two Oreos are alike

Mike: Hey. What a great conversation

[faramirsonofgondor]

Jamie’s the type of friend who actually tries to pack himself in a suitcase so he can go on trips with you. Or he just genuinely considers kidnapping his friends so they don’t leave. I’m pretty sure half of the team would be happily kidnapped too.

[mental-about-you-too]

Why I believe the Will Darling Adventures were originally conceived as johnlock fanfiction

I will die on this hill.

The Will Darling Adventures (Slippery Creatures, Sugared Game, Subtle Blood) by KJ Charles are my favorite guilty pleasure comfort books. I have listened to the audiobooks an embarrassing number of times. I can play exchanges of dialogue in my head from memory, reader’s inflections and all. If you haven’t read them and you like a mix of adventure and gay smut (plus it’s a trilogy so there’s time for more complex characterization and more gradual relationship development than you usually get in books of the genre), then absolutely go do that, and don’t read below—because here be spoilers. Also, because the books are a delight.

So. Grand theory.

To be clear: I am not knocking these books AT ALL (if I’m honest, the Holmesian flavor is part of why I like them so much). As in many really good works of fanfiction, the characters have ceased to be mere copies, and have gained their own original and internally consistent characterization. Kim and Will are not Holmes and Watson, but I am completely convinced that the latter were the inspiration for the former. Here are some of the parallels/moments of homage:

Watson => Will

Returned to England from war with nowhere to go; ended up in London: “I had neither kith nor kin in England, and […] naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers of the Empire are irresistibly drained.” (Study in Scarlet) => “…his mother had died from the Spanish ‘flu while he’d waited to be demobbed […] So, like everyone else, he’d come to London…” (Slippery Creatures)

Ran out of money as a recently-discharged veteran: “So alarming did the state of my finances become…” (Study in Scarlet) => “…his slide into poverty was unstoppable...” (Slippery Creatures)

War wound that nearly killed him: “For months my life was despaired of...” (Study in Scarlet) => “A month in hospital.” (Sugared Game)

Saved by an underling who never appears in the story: “…had it not been for the devotion and courage shown by Murray, my orderly, who threw me across a pack-horse and succeeded in bringing me safely to the British lines.” (Study in Scarlet) => “If it hadn’t been for the bravest stretcher-bearer in Flanders, I’d have died out there.” (Sugared Game)

Retained his favorite weapon from the war: “I have my old service revolver and a few cartridges.” (Study in Scarlet) => “…the Messer, his old trench knife...” (Sugared Game)

Is asked to bring the weapon on adventures: “Put your pistol in your pocket.” (Study in Scarlet) => “Got your knife?” (Sugared Game)

POV character

Holmes => Kim

Has a bunch of names but goes by a middle one: William Sherlock Scott Holmes => Arthur Aloysius Kimberley de Brabazon Secretan

Has pretty hands, which are something of a fixation for the POV character

Doesn’t eat much: “My friend had no breakfast himself, for it was one of his peculiarities that in his more intense moments he would permit himself no food…” (Norwood Builder) => “They ate breakfast, or at least Will did, while Kim chewed a single slice of toast with distaste.” (Subtle Blood)

Withholds information because he doesn’t trust his partner’s ability to deceive: “You won’t be offended, Watson? You will realize that among your many talents dissimulation finds no place.” (Dying Detective) => “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but subterfuge isn’t your strong suit.” (Sugared Game)

Withholds information for dramatic effect: “It was too bad to spring it on you like this, but Watson here will tell you that I never can resist a touch of the dramatic.” (Naval Treaty) => “Of course Kim would turn up after two months with some bizarre story; of course he wouldn’t tell it like a normal person.” (Sugared Game)

Plays fast and loose with legality: “Doctor, I shall want your cooperation.” “I shall be delighted.” “You don’t mind breaking the law?” “Not in the least.” (Scandal in Bohemia) => “I am absolutely not empowered to break the laws of the land, so I try not to get caught at it.”

Has a brother seven years his senior, whom we meet (several adventures in) at a gentlemen’s club in Pall Mall, and who looks like him but bigger: “Mycroft Holmes was a much larger and stouter man than Sherlock.” (Greek Interpreter) => “He looked like someone had drawn a caricature of Kim as John Bull and not been kind about it. He was significantly bulkier…”

The club (The Diogenes => The Symposium) has a Strangers' Room, and in at least part of the club: "no talking is, under any circumstances, allowed" (Greek Interpreter) => "speech is strictly forbidden" (Subtle Blood)

Chases down the leader of a mysterious criminal organization who appears respectable in normal society, and who stays one step removed to leave no evidence of his involvement: “But the Professor was fenced round with safeguards so cunningly devised that, do what I would, it seemed impossible to get evidence which would convict in a court of law.” (Final Problem) => “[Arrest him] on what grounds? I’ve got a lot of nothing. Straws in the wind, and fears, and the words of the dead. The case needs to be iron-clad, and mine is wet tissue paper.” (Sugared Game)

Has a chat with this adversary before the action kicks off: “…I was seriously inconvenienced by you” (Final Problem) => “It has caused me enormous inconvenience” (Sugared Game)

Better at hand-to-hand combat than he looks like he should be: “I have some knowledge, however, of baritsu, or the Japanese system of wrestling…” (Empty House) => “Where did you learn knife fighting?” (Slippery Creatures)

Lounges around in a purple dressing gown (Blue Carbuncle; all three Will Darling books)

Tall, slender, pale, and dark-haired, with remarkable eyes (at least, the POV character sure remarks on them a lot)

Other parallels:

Inspector Lestrade (“lean and ferret-like as ever”) => Inspector Rennick (“He was a short, shrewd-looking man who sounded North London.”)

An aortic aneurism renders prosecution of a criminal moot: Jefferson Hope (Study in Scarlet) => Lord Waring (Sugared Game)

Will’s expectations upon meeting Waring line up with a description of Moriarty: “His face protrudes forward, and is forever slowly oscillating from side to side in a curiously reptilian fashion” (Final Problem) => “[Will] wasn’t sure what he expected. Something snakey, some reptilian air of cruelty…” (Sugared Game)

This rather iconic phrase: “He sits motionless, like a spider at the center of its web...” (Final Problem) => “…sits like a spider at the centre of a web of obligations...” (Sugared Game)

Alongside the parallels, Charles adds elements often found in the best works of fanfiction: in addition to the on-page romance, there's expansion of the characters' backgrounds, including an exploration of class and privilege, plus a fix-it-esque resolution of the issue of Holmes'/Kim’s dishonesty (I for one always wished Watson would confront Holmes about lying to him for cases).

There. Cataloguing all the parallels was taking up a ridiculous amount of space in my brain, so now you know & I can stop obsessing over it so much.

[geddy-leesbian]

@raccoons-garbage-can is the realest because I can just send him something insane about how I think medicine in the island lab looks like heartburn medicine and then an even more insane explanation of why I think it makes complete sense for Los Illuminados to stock up on heartburn medicine and he just accepts it 🫶 ily

[thursdaythunder]

now that we know that marcus and lissie are actually a thing (thanks james)

i have one question

WHEN??? because if james found out after long beach, it had to have been going on for a shorter while before that.

the lissie SM episode came out the 27th of march, long beach was the 16th of april, so james potentially found out around the 20th april.

so it would make sense if they started dating after the SM episode was *recorded*, got together after it got released

OR at the long beach GP itself bc lissie was there

then james and clem found out after in malibu, over THE FUCKING PHONE (that’s a low blow marcus)

[nocophobia]

Wondering if there’s a link between Tinky x Ted shippers and ex Billdip shippers. Like is this what you guys grew up and matured to become? Just curious

[sushimayham]

I present to you, Wend Kaczynsgoon

[fallenangelontheceiling]

The only reality show Jamie should ever do again is a travel show with Roy

[sighonaraa]

Please feel free to share all the thoughts on the football babies au! ALL THE THOUGHTS 😂😂😂 I’m so invested

ALL THE THOUGHTS??? oh boy. welp. Since You've Given Me Permission............ jk jk. i won't subject you all to ALL of my thoughts i am not that cruel. but! i have been thinking Very Much about the kiddo dynamics of it all and now i'm going to detail those dynamics via alien conspiracy theories.

moe is, as we've established, the dirt-eating worm kid who is absolutely convinced the government is hiding aliens in arizona and constantly attempts to blackmail ted into taking him to the sonoran desert to find Proof.

colin and isaac are unimpressed because they are 9 years old and three quarters minus one month which means they are Too Mature to believe in aliens.

sam and jamie are. uncertain. as to what exactly aliens are, really. but they do some very Intensive Research on the topic (pester roy until roy is aggravated into a thorough explanation) and come to the conclusion that moe MUST be right, there MUST be aliens in arizona, and they MUST be lonely and in need of friends.

("the aliens are not your fucking friends," roy says, head in his hands. "this is how abductions happen. you think they're your friends and then they fucking beam you up into fucking space and you're never heard from again."

"but roy," says jamie, gravely, "we gots ice cream! the aliens'll be our friends 'cause everyone likes ice cream!")

and so ted and roy are caught in an endless game of This is Why Aliens Are Bad For You, Actually. colin and isaac are soooo over it. moe keeps hiding little knick-knacks around the park and then telling sam and jamie they're gifts from the benevolent alien overlords from above. eventually the alien discussions die down.

and then moe learns about the denver international airport.

[shvoowsh]

I’ve Solved It.

We all know that Schlatty-Boy himself is searching for the Big Truth about the Sphinx and the Knowledge it holds. However, this is merely a fromt, because Jschlatt is behind one of the most thrilling mystery of our time- the identity of the Muppet Joker.

For those currently unaware, the Muppet Joker is a controversial figure on Tumblr, a blogging website for the mentally deranged. MJ exemplifies this, and posts about being Kermit and the Joker, as well as independently fucking both of them. Previously, MJ was known for being a TIRM (trans-inclusive radical misogynist) but is currently undergoing a transformation of sorts into a feminist. It is this very transformation that reveals his true identity, as Jschlatt.

That’s right, Jschlatt posts muppet hole.

At 2:18 am EST on July 9th, 2024 after a 16 day hiatus, MJ returned to posting by posting a graphic poem describing an encounter between his lovers. Sixteen minutes later, at 2:44 am, MJ responded to an ask questioning whether men would still be welcome in his blog by saying, “Perhaps. If they are a Male Feminist such as myself and agree to take up their sword and protect women everywhere. They must go to a Catholic Confessional and be absolved of their sins of being male by a real Catholic priest. None of that Protestant bullshit.”

Doesn’t that sound familiar? Who else do we know that hates protestantism and finds cum funny? That’s right, Jsclit.

I can hear your protests, I can. It is commonly known that MJ hates horses because of Bucephalus, the horse that stole his father’s love. And Jschlatt love horses, Mr. Hands is his idol! But that’s the clever part, my friend- the horse is a herring, invented to make sure no one considers the true culprit.

[theartthatleavesthemark]

i bet they let Man City win the whole thing so that Pep Guardiola would be on the show

[stephaniejuhnay]

Shout out to all the TedBeccas getting absolutely UNHINGED after tonight’s episode. Madness. Chaos. Insanity.

[lilyfreshwater]

we all know ludwig is on shae’s side that man would always bring up how much fun she was at beer pong whenever ted was even just mentioned

anon i hate to break it to you but ludwig tried to defend atrioc not 24 hours after it came out that he PAID for deepfake porn of his coworkers, which included ludwig's LITERAL GIRLFRIEND. unless ted committed a fuckign felony ludwig is not on shae's side

[rain-bunny-nightmarex-02]

I have shared a lot of information on this kind of thing and still have a lot more.

Don't let the stories mislead you there was a secret war, no it wasn't in space it was right here on Earth!

The real story was covered up and the people with the real information trying to save people we're made out to be the enemy.

The space pirates were the actual space force and people were framed! People were being appointed from outside the US government. When things went bad they tried to defend themselves and we're blamed for everything!

The people that they said were the bad guys when they band transgender people and gave the space force to the Air Force are the people that were actually involved and investigating it before offered the positions and have all the real information!

They were claimed as traders to their country for things they tried to come forward about!

NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO THE REAL STORIES AND INFORMATION!!!

They used people's friends and families and personal situations to confuse them as to what the situation was about but it seems more like a slander campaign and to make people look insane than anything else!!!

[kaida427]

Obscure Song Theory

Okay, okay, everybody's heard Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake. HOWEVER. I have a theory about its subject, Miss Kitty/Karen.

Now, there's a line near the end:

At Citibank, we will meet accidentally We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen

NOW here's where the real shit kicks in, okay?

There's this song by Bowling for Soup called Ohio (Come Back to Texas). It has the following line at the beginning:

But then she went to Cleveland With some guy named Leland That she met at the bank

SO HERE'S MY THEORY:

The narrator in Short Skirt, Long Jacket is actually LELAND FROM CLEVELAND and it takes place during a trip to Texas where Kitty/Karen (the subject in Ohio) is making a deposit on her loan from the local Citibank to buy her car with cupholder armrests.

I have no other evidence to support this theory except for this. However, my conviction is pure and true.

[fiendfifofum]

It turns out 9/11 was actually a controlled strike by time travellers trying to prevent the Ted movies from ever being made.