#that the thing Jaiden “helped” him with in past was his face

[yelow-heart]

So.

That Census Bureau live huh.

....Let's revise it!

First things first, That was hands down, no questions asked, Osito Bimbo.

How in his reports he was only using lower cap writing, his good sense of humor. The tea and popcorn farm (🥲 Jaiden'd be so proud). So yeah.

And yeah, the Eye guy sequestered the islanders. The moment the cucu weather broadcast of eggisland got glitched, we knew something was up. (On the first days I thought that was the case. But then I started leaning into the theory some folks have, like Bagi, that it was a plan of the Feds to make the islanders long for Quesadilla island and stuff. I think I just fckn forgot about the broadcast and weird way they were called to the train lol)

Also also. Quackity (f on the chat) was kidnapped by ElQ before he could kill Fred. So our boy is prob still out there somewhere, let's not panic. Good to point out how ElQ looked like he wasn't very happy about it. And how he kept saying sorry and that it was for Quackity's own protection. Could it be? Could bitch man ElQuackity be one of the good guys??

Another thing, Feds still have no clue how to deal with "■■■■■". We know from foosh's pov that they had managed to capture them briefly, but eventually it escaped. Btw have we decided on a name yet? Is it going to be Judas? I do, like many things, have a thought for this too: is him a corrupted ":)"? I'll talk more about it on the cut.

Also, code entity captured? That's new, is it CodeFlippa?

Dude, theory time: I don't think the code entity faction is necessarily a goodguy faction. They could be just a rival of the Federation. U know? Like McDonald's and Burger King is. And they could have the same goal as the Fed do, just working for it in a opposite way. Like, Federation is very Order and Perfect coded, and the code people are more on the Chaos and Flaw (glitched entities) route.

As u can see, I have way too many thoughts kkkkk

But ACTUALLY, the thing I wanted to talk about is, Where tf is Cucurucho?

Ok, so for some context for the pals that don't watch Jaiden's pov: Cucurucho was acting pretty weird when he asked for her help. He was erratic and repeating himself many times, clearly upset that Osito had broken the thin line of "perfection" he is tasked to defend. Like dude, he was actively panicking.

But anyways, he chased the guy, captured him and calmed him down and that's when he comes to Jaiden for help.

But ever since that, Cucu hasn't really stopped with the strange behavior. He's always on the edge, only interacting with Islanders to deliver tasks and nothing else, super cold and distant (more then he already is). Always a little distracted. And he's been actively avoiding Jaiden. Like, for real for real. Almost like he's prohibited to see her or something.

He's been distant even with Osito, is what it looks like. And, thinking back a little, I don't really think he has showed up to any Islanders for like, a month or so. Like, The last time we saw him for sure was at the A0 presentation, maybe not even that. Osito got really good at masking ever since Jaiden trained him.

He didn't show up to any of the events on the week leading to purgatory, too. Like, I thought he was the one to send Forever to the Nether, but apparently that was Osito, as we see him on the live asking for forever to give him a feedback.

So my take is that, whatever Cucurucho was cooking ever since the eggs disappeared have finally catched up to him. And I don't think he's safe. He was probably the one leading the operations to stop Cucurevil (Evilrucho? Judas? Truth? We need to decide on a name), and was probably the one to capture him too. But alas, Oscurucho (I really like this one btw) got out, and it does align with the time Cucu has been quite absent.

So yeah

Where the fuck is Cucurucho?

Was he the fed agent Federation sent to look for the eggs on the nether after Forever apparently failed? (It could've be Walter Bob, since he is a escape goat for the Federation)

Does the Eye of Sauron has him? Is he on another place entirely? Was he the one that sent the "I found them" message that they received right after Forever went to the nether? And that's why Forever has no clue about that?What the f is going on?!??!?

And, for the "■■■■■ could be a corrupted ":)"". I've had this ideia bugging me ever since they were introduced. He seems to be in reverse and the fact that the Federation actively goes on ways to stop them suggests they are not on the "perfect" path. Perhaps a deserter. I think dude was another one of the experiments, but, like the hybrid islanders, failed. And somehow got corrupted to whatever it is that the Feds are working against.

Ok, so, we know the key thing for the Feds are clones and Perfection right?

But like, my take is that the two things are combined. Like. The Federation makes it very clear they want to achieve perfection. Or at least, they want these "entities" aka Cucuruchos to achieve it. But what they need perfection for?

And the "threat worse then the Federation" makes it interesting. What if the thing they been trying to make is the Perfect Soldier? That's a thing that would connect almost, if not all, of the Islanders backgrounds and how they got fcked over by them. Putting kids to fight eachother, testing with memory and mind manipulation. And most importantly, Hybrids. So many of them. Hybrids everywhere.

And look at that, what is Cucurucho? A fckn hybrid dude. A polar bear walking on two legs.

And about the mind manipulation. Well, the perfect soldier doesn't question orders. They just do what they are fucking told to. Only remembers what is pratical for the leader cause. Doesn't get attached. Doesn't have an individuality.

And cucurucho cannot lie, like, a lot of islanders don't know this. Maybe only Jaiden does, actually. He literally is incapable of doing so, that's why he uses "classified" so much. And that's why Jaiden absolutely trusts what he says. Because it is his truth.

He doesn't have a voice. He's obligated to not have an individuality with his own personality (that's why Osito freaked him out so much) or even a name, like the incident when Cellbit asked him to put his name on the room he chose and how he wrote ":)", suddenly changed it to "cucurucho" and then went odd and quiet for awhile and changed the sign back to ":)". Cellbit said how it looked like he was told to change it back. The way Osito had to learn how to mask and appear as Cucurucho also reflects the "forced to be a hivemind" thing.

He, literally, doesn't have a voice.

Also also, clones. Is there more then one cucu? Yes, there is. Are there other clones on the Island? Yep, Baghera and Quackity say hello.

And finally, to the grand finale, we have project A0. Wich are what?

Fucking clones. Little soldiers, that can be created in mass, work in a hive mind, don't question their leader and can be optimized to good fighters. Perhaps even, with different skils depending of the source of their cloning.

Like, dude hahahah they did it. The mad lads did it. Baghera, Quackity, Jaiden, Niki, maybe Roier, Cucurucho.. all of these tests and experiments was for this: perfect soldiers that can be spawned in mass and multiplied with very low cost.

But now that they're here.. when will they be sent to fight what they're meant to? And how terrifying is it?

And back to Cucu. I think he could very well be rebelling. Who knows, maybe even corrupting. For the very fact that he's no longer "perfect". He got attached. He cares for his blue bird. A lot. That would explain his absence, his odd behavior, the way he is around Osito. He also found a name for himself. The thing that might very well started his metamorphosis.

Jaiden showed him things to like and experience, the islanders, specifically Foolish, Roier and Felps, taught him how to have fun. Cellbit taught him about hate kkkkk. He got attached. He changed. He is his own person now. He found his humanity.

Cucurucho is no longer perfect.

P.s. rip coffee machine

[youphoriaot7]

just saw a heart-wrenching edit on tiktok (sad music and all) about q!cellbit and the way he interacts with the eggs and i just...

i remember when i was still getting into the qsmp (which i did from cellbit's pov) and was scrolling the wiki on the daily, trying to figure out past lore and relationships and everything

and every single time i clicked on an egg's page i would end up seeing cellbit's face somewhere in the relationship box. and it always made me grin so wide because it was just...cute. and then i realized a lot of them had even mentioned things like him being one of their favorite tios or whatever and i'm just so. fucking. soft. about the idea of just-

this guy. comes to this island. in the middle of nowhere—doesn't really know how he ended up there, doesn't remember much about where he came from, nothing. and, like, it's natural to be a bit skittish or at least defensive, especially when there's already so many people here, because you don't know what they will do to you, how they'll react to anything: they are essentially unknown entities.

and if you really think about it, that completely includes the eggs. because although they're just kids, q!cellbit was canonically in a war at, like, age 15. he's definitely not one to underestimate someone because of their age—he is damn well aware of how scary people can be, regardless of what their age is.

but then they start interacting, and, like—tallulah gives him flowers, and ramon picks him for a partner in the boat race, and he's able to joke and play around with chayanne and bobby, and...in a way, it's like seeing himself, or rather, what he could have been.

because he never got that; he never got to do that. he can see the relationships they have with their parents—tallulah and chayanne with phil, ramon with fit, dapper with bbh, bobby with roier and jaiden—and he sort of comes to realize, like, "these kids don't know." they don't know what it's like to be at war. they don't know what it's like to end up in jail. they don't know what it's like to not be able to live because you're too focused on surviving. whether it's been that way in the past and they don't remember or not, they don't know.

and, inwardly, he decides he's going to make damn fucking sure it stays that way.

so he starts collecting flowers, to give some to tallulah the next time they meet, and the way she beams assures him he'll continue. and when ramon makes a mistake in the boat race and starts beating himself up about it, he empathizes and reassures him. (practically makes the poor kid cry.)

he sees the way chayanne takes the lead around the younger eggs and takes note, making sure to joke around and play with him whenever he can—because he may be the oldest, and the most responsible, but he deserves to have fun, too.

all of this includes richas, of course. in fact, it's even more exaggerated, to the extent that (in some ways similarly to fit) he mostly lets richas do what he wants, only growing concerned or stern if the kid's life is in danger. (because he saw what happened to bobby, and he's not going to let it happen on his watch.)

because there's enough pain in the world. chaos runs rampant on the island, from the federation to the codes, from the kidnappings to the tasks, from the bombs to the capybaras. there is death at every turn, and this island can be deceiving, because it doesn't seem like it. it seems perfectly fine.

but he knows.

he's been in this position before, where everyone and everything is trying to kill him. he's familiar with the concept of survival. and this island is survival.

but these are kids. they don't need that. hell, he had that as a kid, and look how he turned out. no, if he has anything to say about it, nothing will seem out of the ordinary. as much as he can help it. he will gives flowers to tallulah, he will make jokes with chayanne, he will explore with richas, he will spend time with ramon and dapper—all to offer even a semblance of normalcy.

so uh the fluff part of this train of thought is over so click off now if you don't want the hurt <3

but then things start to change. bobby dies, and the federation teases them about it, dangling the child above their heads. the codes ramp up their attacks. the kidnappings start to increase. people die and respawn more frequently. and the more he tries to get free, to get away from the island, the worse things get for the current inhabitants.

he meets pomme. this terrified egg that's been trapped behind a wall since before he even got there. and he realizes that he won't be able to shelter them forever.

things are going to happen, one way or another, to shatter the fragile illusion of reality the islanders are trying to create for these kids. in some way, the curtain is going to fall, and it is going to hurt. it's going to hurt as badly as it hurt him when he was thrown into battle. it's going to hurt as badly as it hurt him when he ended up in a top-security prison when he was barely an adult. it's going to hurt as badly as it hurt him when the wool was yanked away from his own eyes by that white bear not a week after his arrival on the island.

so whatever you do, don't think about what it must've felt like to find that book. don't think about what he must've been thinking as he flipped through those old, yellowed journal pages. don't think about him reading that lost egg's words, and just thinking, "god, this could've been me."

because it very well could've been.

the book literally talks about not wanting to survive, but wanting to live, and all he can think about for the rest of the day is how it was abandoned. same as him—only one was on a battlefield, and one was in this tiny-ass room. and there was no warrior in shining armor, no police officer taking pity to pull this egg out of there. he had someone. this egg had no one.

so of course he switches out the keychain on his backpack. because carrying that egg with him is like carrying a piece of himself, in just the same way that all the eggs feel like a piece of himself.

he can't protect the eggs forever. he knows that. but that doesn't mean he can't try.

[insanitybl00m]

Heaven’s Not Close in a Place Like This

Chapter Three - Bolas try to help--

Phil could hear the yells of Bolas from the hallway.  shared the same class for their last class of the day and Phil was always subjected to trying to wrangle the other members of their group into a semblance of calm.

“I have to take care of an egg with Mariana for fucks sake!”

“Imagine!” 

Phil walked into Baghera and Slime about to break into a fistfight. Jaiden was taking bets with Cellbit and Foolish.

“Oi! You two! No fighting on school grounds. You have any grievances you take them out later!”

Baghera shrugged back on her jacket. “He started it.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Phil said with a laugh as he sat down next to Charlie. “Who did you guys end up with?”

Foolish beamed. “Vegetta! We called our egg Leonarda777! Her name is Leo for short.”

“Of course he somehow managed to be partnered with his boyfriend.” Slime muttered.

“Huh? What’s that? Someone wishing their ex would want to get back together with them? Who knows maybe you two will finally make up!” Foolish teased, his grin was shark-like.

“He’s a bitch! I don’t want to get back with him.” 

Phil moved on. “And you Baghera?”

“I got partnered with Etoiles,”

“Etoiles is probably the best person to be partnered with, he will spend hours on something to get a slight advantage over others.”

Her eyes shone. “I know right? Our egg Pomme is the most precious girl!” 

And they went around the group, rambling about their partner and their eggs. Some point after Slime broke into a rant about Mariana for the fourth time Phil turned on his phone and went straight to his contacts.

Philza: Hey this is Phil. I just checked my work schedule. I should be free after school tonight and Friday. 

Missa: Awesome! We’d also have to do one set of tasks over the weekend then. Sunday works best for me ^w^

Philza: I can’t do Sunday it’s the only day that’s completely a non-negotiable

Missa: oh! I’m sorry! I’ll figure out how to get some extra time for Saturday. Soulfire typically does these big group hangouts at the mall but if I’m going to be honest they kinda overwhelm me

Philza: believe me if I could get out of it I would. I do not want you to have to rearrange your schedule

Missa: you offered to do it with your work, I’m just getting out of an extra hour of hanging out at the mall hahaha

Philza: thank you

Missa: Ofc! It’s not an issue!

Jaiden waved her hand in front of Phil’s face, officially pulling his focus off of his phone. “We’ve been saying your name for the past three minutes.” 

“Sorry I was messaging my egg partner–”

A chorus of ‘ooos’ filled the room. “Philza has a crush~” Baghera cheered. “Oh I love love!”

“We were figuring out when to meet up to take care of our eggs.”

“So a date?” Foolish asked. Him and Baghera high-fived when Phil sighed.

“Not a date, it's literally just for a project.”

“Sounds like a date to me,” Jaiden said, shrugging off Phil’s noises of shock.

Phil said. “He’s a member of Soulfire!”

Jaiden, Baghera, Slime and Foolish looked around. “He’s not Bad right?”

“...well no–”

“Then there’s no issue!” Baghera said excitedly. “Bad is who we hate, not the rest of soulfire right?”

“But they’re all friends with that muffin fucker!” Foolish yelled.

“Not all of them! Tina’s really ni–”

“No she’s not! She’s a vicious demon!” He yelled again, letting laughter emerge amongst the rest of the bolas group.

“Tina’s sweet, and besides even if you have some dislike for her because of some shit that happened in the past Niki is really nice, she tries to make up for the stuff Bad does.” Phil said.

“See, you're even defending some of Soulfire!” Baghera said. 

Phil was quiet when she pointed that out. “You’re all adhd but for some reason he managed to capture your attention— seems like there’s something there to me~”

“I’m leaving for university in three months. I’m getting out of my parents house and—“

“We’re all going to crash at your place for sleepovers!” Foolish interrupted.

“I will be in a dorm room, those things are tiny.”

“Foolish he’s changing the subject! Dumbass!” Jaiden yelled.

“Oh right-“

“Alright.” Cellbit stood up. “Fuck off, give him space.” He kicked Slime out of his seat next to Phil and shooed the others away. 

Slime started a fight with Jaiden which promptly distracted them.

“I get your hesitation about opening up to a member of soulfire. Trust is hard for the two of us.” Phil let him keep talking. “I have no doubts that you can figure out a solution to this.”

“A solution to having a member of soulfire as my team?”

“Yes, Niki and Tina might be nice but not all of soulfire is like them.”

“Not all of them are as terrible as Bad.”

Cellbit sighed. “Would you rather me teasing you about a crush? I’m trying to help here—“

“I officially met him last period—“

“Officially? You’ve noticed him before?” 

“He’s a part of soulfire of course I noticed him. Missa’s the one always right next to Bad.”

Cellbit gave a small chuckle. “Well good news for you, he always seems terrified of Bad. Bad news though he’s close to Bad.”

“He’s not close to Bad. He defended me, you know? He stopped me from punching Bad in the mouth.”

“Don’t let a pretty boy distract you from your goal.”

“He’s not going to distract me. It's a school project, Cellbit.”

“I know, I just worry for you. You don’t talk about it when things bother you and it’s not healthy. Last time you punched Etoiles so hard he had a black eye.”

“Etoiles can take it.” Phil said, looking at the floor. He still felt bad about it despite Etoiles saying he deserved it.

“We aren’t punching bags Phil. We’re human too. We all need to be vulnerable at times. I’m here for you.”

“I know mate.”

“Keep your guard up but don’t be afraid to be yourself.”

“Ok, yeah. Advice time over, fuck off now.”

Cellbit laughed and quickly managed to distract Jaiden.

Missa: Where do you want to meet up tonight?

Phil: yk the park between school and the mall?

Missa: the one with the big skatepark? My friend skates there

Phil: yeah that one. You wanna meet up there?

Missa: that’s great I live about a five minute walk from there

Phil: oh cool!

Missa: you want to walk there together? We could drop our bags off at my house before heading to the park.

Phil: I’m giving my friends a ride back to their place first sorry

Missa: its not an issue haha

Phil: so meet you there at like 5?

Missa: yep!

Phil: see you then

Phil thought about what Baghera and Cellbit said. They were joking about him having a crush on Missa, right? Cellbit did call him a pretty boy and that’s true. Missa was pretty but he could say that without having a crush. 

The project was the first time he had a full conversation with him. And Phil was only interested because he needed to get things done. Missa was cool, from what Phil knew of him but he was still a part of soulfire. Cell was right about one thing though, Missa is friends with stupid ass Badboyhalo.

And Bad was not someone you just became friends with. Maybe when they were younger but now? Now Bad became friends with people because of how they could help him. If Missa was Bad’s friend that meant that Missa wasn’t as sweet as he looked.

[pseudonimh]

Hey, just a thought, but consider how cool it would be if as a way to try and win Phil's loyalty, the code gave him his "wings" back. Not a normal elytra or his usual crow wings, but a digital and number-filled set that had the off chance of teleporting him when flying. Maybe not only to buy a form of Phil's loyalty, but they find out about Phil's past as "The Angel of Death" and want to use that, so they offer the clipped wise crow a new set of wings so long as he helps when it's needed.

The codes already have a fascination and eye with Phil, that being the first few days it attacked him, impersonated his kids first, and even more recently with Codeflippa favoring Phil alongside the other code events that seem to single Phil out amongst the other islanders. Phil has openly shown and expressed how awful it is to not fly, how he has to wear a backpack as a counterweight, and even the looks at Jaiden's wings were just torture to him- so, what if the codes notice that? The codes are observant and they gave Charlie his kid back, they gave Etoiles a wicked sword and shield back after he lost, so why not wings to a very useful asset who's more dangerous in flight?

If Phil was offered the wings, would he take them? He's already seen the effects of negative code use with Charlie, but he's also seen the benefit of using code tools with Etoiles. I think, or at least would like to imagine, that Phil would take the wings in due time after everything he's been through, after what the Federation did to his wings, and the soft taunting of the lack of them (Birdhouse, Jaiden showing their wings off, the "ha ha ha" and bubbles blown in his face, etc.).

So just imagine the offer: A set of wings for Phil to fly again, to use those wings and don the name "The Angel of Death" in totality again, to use those wings to find his kids so long as he pays the price of helping the codes when they need it. Maybe up on a pedestal in the highest place around that has a high significance to Phil, near Uppies as if a more convincing place because of how great it'd be to have wings there. The thought of having his kids back because he could find them with his fixed wings, he could hold them with wing hugs like he never properly could before, and he could keep them safe. Flying over high areas once again would be a liberating feeling, helping his friends much quicker, achieving his supposed full strength again too is too much of an intoxicating proposal.

Phil takes the offer, especially at the chance of finding his kids, and the next thing he knows is that his back is heavier and there's a greenish glow to them as feathers are semi-replaced with zeros and ones. Sure he wasn't expecting them to be like this, but to see and sense a full set of wings rather it be clipped and mangled gives a wave of relief that hadn't been felt in six months. The first thing he does? Fly. That's all he does for who knows how long, flying as much as that damned sunbird he chased and not landing anytime soon.

The effects of having the wings might make him teleport here and there every so often, I mean, this is more than just a held weapon or semi-contact with a code, it's full-on limbs like Maximus' leg but with more serious implications (It's Phil's wings, c'mon you know how much they mean to him). I can practically hear Etoiles shouting "LETS GOOOOO, THE GOAT" at Phil about how cool his wings are and asking to spar; a whole new meaning to Codebreakers too. Would his voice glitch? Who's to say. But I find it poetic that Phil became the thing he fought so long ago, a semi-glitchy powerful being with wings and an air of death.

Bonus points that his chat, the crows, appear around Phil's home when he took the offer as if to contrast the hummingbirds and parrots that originally showed up. Maybe even in a literary sense, the crows have flecks of bright green on their wings to match Phil too. Even more bonus points are that Phil chooses an open area in the sky to make a new home, just because it's safer and he feels more comfortable, that and so he can fly more.

[unmotivated-student]

Okay, time to ramble a little about q!Roier [from my own point of view]:

To me, q!Roier seems like the "I have to be fine so I can help everybody else to be fine" kind of guy.

He has experienced tragedies, suffered betrayals and suffered losses, he knows how important it is to have someone by your side when dealing with pain, so if anyone needs him, he will most likely be there.

After losing Bobby he found happiness in his new family formed by q!Cellbit and Richas, although we must not forget the importance of his relationship with other islanders [like Leo, q!Foolish, q!Jaiden...] and after a while, it seemed like he was finally moving forward with his life again...

But now? With the disappearance of the eggs and all the Federation stuff, the mental stability of the islanders [or some of them] deteriorates little by little and his is no exception. He's tired, he's sad, he doesn't look very good/healty but he doesn't want to show it, he needs help but he doesn't want to ask for it because how could he?

How could he ask someone else for help when everyone is dealing with their own stuff? Not only that but how could he ask for help from people he doesn't even trust enough to confide in with his problems and feelings to that extent?

And don't get me wrong, he trusts his husband, he really does, but he knows q!Cellbit still going through Richarlyson's disappearance and he knows how hard it is to lose a child [he already went through that].

In recent days, he has been constantly watching his husband suffering because of it and investigating day and night looking for clues and much more, he can see how tired q! Cellbit is, he can see his husband is not okay...

So how could he add more weight to q!Cellbit's shoulders by making him worry about him too?

Instead, he prefers to keep his feelings to himself so he can help with whatever his husband needs and disguise his pain with jokes, because humor helps heal, right?

And if those silly jokes also help to bring out a smile to his husband's face [or the face of whoever is with him acutally], that's more than enough for him [no matter how small the smile is].

Also, although it may not seem like it at first glance, I think he is a very empathetic person [or cube].

Maybe you believe me or maybe you don't, but I'll explain it anyway. Let's take a look at the next example...

When q!Bagi told him everything about the twin stuff [my apologies, I suck at explaining lore], she let him know how worried she was about her relationship with q!Cellbit, how worried she is about him, just like how much it terrified her that he wouldn't even want to look at her after discovering that they were siblings.

After that he asked her "do you want me to talk to him?" and she answered "yes please".

But here's the thing, he knew there was probably a reason why his husband hadn't told him anything, like he probably wasn't ready to do it. But he was so sure that q!Cellbit would tell him eventually without the need to pressure him he decided to bring that up himself.

He couldn't just minimize Bagi's feelings. No, he was respectful and careful with his words, deciding to tell her what she needed to hear to have some peace of mind "He is not mad at you, I will help you, at the end of the day you two are sibligs and that's never going to change and you have to love each other, next time I see him I'll talk to him" [Paraphrased] And then finish with "Everything is going to be okay and if it's not okay, it will be" [when he said that, part of me thinks he was also saying that to himself].

When he finally talked to q!Cellbit he never pressured him to speak, he let him do it at his own pace. He only mentioned what q!Bagi had told him until q!Cellbit started talking about his past [and fulfilled what he promised q!Bagi in the process].

Also, the way he worried about those two's relationship shows how much he cares about the state of his new family and obviously also shows how much he cares about his husband. In a way, he was their support throughout the entire process.

He knows how hard and painful it is to drown in loneliness and he doesn't want q!Cellbit to suffer anymore either.

Am I overthinking? Of course I am, I always I'm.

[sugahyeon]

Theory time?

The island is nothing but a gigantic experiment.

That already got kinda confirmed with an early days cinematic mentionning ''test subjects'' but it got further indicated in lore

The OG islanders:

Jaiden was linked, somehow, to the Federation and the Cucuruchos. We know she helped them and doesn't remember doing so but picked back up her role.

Maximus woke up 2 times in the Federation hospital, including once with a camera in his ass. He got killed by the code, for seemingly no reason, which is weird considering that the code used to only attack federation's members and the eggs.

Phil got his wings clipped and later on got kidnapped in the birdhouse. He still doesn't know of that was a dream or reality, indicating that the Federation probably messed with his memory.

Quackity got kidnapped and put in water. He woke up months later, visibly traumatized, unable to write or read and scared of the Duck. He had no memory of his past. El Quackity took his place in the meantime, apparently working with the Federation? While not being a part of it and having access to experiments on the eggs + a room with a screen displaying some players.

Fit was sent by someone to get something. The federation or smtg is blocking the communications. He remembers, vaguely, the face of Walter Bob's kid.

Luzu is a whole thing, too complicated to detail but take a look at that cubito and tell me he's ok

Roier was friend with Cucurucho and was the first to see the two of them. No more infos but there's probably a reason to that.

The French got stuck there on purpose as well. From their arrival cinematic, we can see a chicken up in the sky (impossible) and a storm, right above the island, making the plane crash (on purpose imo)

Baghera was raised or, at least, taken in by the Federation as a kid. They experimented on her until she escaped. And they got her back, for good this time.

Aypierre got tortured for infos, to the point he almost DIED and they had to surgicaly save him. His memory got messed with and half of the report is censored.

Etoiles is more linked to the code which is a whole other entity, not necessarily linked to the experiment.

The freezed islanders, well, obviously got frozen by the Federation. We don't yet how far their part of the experiment is going.

At last, the brazilians, who, i think, got there by accident.

Cellbit was tortured and manipulated but still got lead towards more infos, for some reasons.

Forever was put on the pills, same for Pac, without his consent. His memory is blurry.

Pac e Mike got kidnapped, MULTIPLES TIMES.

Felps was the first kidnapping of the island.

And don't get me started on the eggs, these kids are artificial af (love them tho-)

Idk, feels like the Federation is a group of scientists with more than crooked morals and a heavy taste for torture

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

SHAPE HELLO IT IS ME!!!! CALLI CUBITOZINC!!!!!!! So erm. gonna be honest dude i fought with myself in my head so hard on what i wanted to send for this especially cause i didn't want it to be silly or stupid but you know what. Who give a shit. and i have been there when it comes to having to fight for writing motivation... boy have i ever. SO!! feel free to run with this prompt if you get any ideas from it but absolutely no pressure :]

"Jaiden spent uncountable moments these days thinking about what kinds of things she could've done in the past."

HI CALLI HII BELOVED MUTUAL CALLIIII . i have never written a jaidn before but for you.... i will try.

Jaiden spent uncountable moments these days thinking about what kinds of things she could've done in the past.

Or- maybe they weren't uncountable? They were probably countable, if she'd cared enough to count, but it hadn't occurred to her to count them when she started, and so she'd lost count of them from the beginning, so. Uncountable.

...There's something almost sad about that. Losing track of things since the beginning, no hope of catching up to the present. No chance to right the now because of the wrongs of the past. It makes her heart ache in her chest to think about, but she can't- she can't stop thinking about it. She keeps poking at it, like a bruise, but a sideways bruise. Look at these flowers, they look just like the ones in Bobby Fields. Drink this tea, it's just like the tea Cucurucho gives her. Look at Roier, smiling at Cellbit, and then quietly leave them to be happy. It's...

One thing that's different, from the then to the now, is how many houses she has. One for each piece of her heart, all of them missing something. Does the party house count as one of hers, too? What about the room she stayed in while helping the Cucuruchos? She wants to say yes. It hurts to think yes. If she said yes, if she went there to call for him, would he still leave her waiting?

...She knows the answer. Part of her wishes that she didn't. More of her knows that it's better that she does. It's like playing pretend, and you need to know when you're playing pretend. She knows how often she plays pretend, and how often she pretends that she isn't, and she remembers the time that she didn't have to and she wants that back so badly that it hurts.

Like a bruise. Poke, poke, poke. She knows she's being manipulated, and still she leans into it. Is it helping? Who is she helping? If Cucurucho is hurting, can she really help him? Can she free him? Is it worth it? Is it about worth, or is it about waste? Is it about anything?

Jaiden groans and throws her arm over her face. Maybe it's about laying in the warm pink sand on Hot Girl Beach while Mouse and Foolish chatter behind her. Maybe it's about leaving her empty houses and keeping her hair dyed Miku-blue and doing what she can, because she can. Maybe it's about tailing along with Foolish whenever he gets more silly Cucurucho tasks. Maybe it's about- whatever else is fun. Whatever else keeps her occupied, and out of bed, and waving goodnight to the sun.

There, is that another one of her uncountable moments? No, probably not, she hadn't done much thinking about the past. She could do that. She could think about Bobby and his raccoons, and Bobby and flowers, and Bobby and the very first painting he made for her.

Like a bruise. Poke, poke, poke. She's almost afraid of finding out what will happen if she lets it heal.

...That's enough angst for the day. The sun will be setting soon, and she wants to say goodnight to Bobby with a genuine smile. She pulls her arm off her face and sits up to turn to her friends, join in on their fun.

Her houses are empty, but she knows how to pretend that she has a home.

[yourlocalartsonist]

ROTTMNT Moths Fly In Packs - Chapter Seven

A/N: Please kill me my soul has left my body writing this god forsaken LONG ASS CHAPTER but hey it was very worth it imo. Uh sorry for the month long wait. I think the AO3 writer curse found me and my poor beta reader since shit kept happening to both of us delaying this chapter even more. But hey! It's finally out, so I hope y'all enjoy while I go lay down bye- Credit to: @sweaterrat for being my beloved beta reader! Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Chapter One

Disclaimer: Chapter involves obsessive behavior, obessive language, demeaning language, injuries, manipulation, degrading language, bullying, shaming over having emotions, panic attacks, spiraling thoughts, gross creepy motherfuckers, recorded without consent, slight physical harassment, implied verbal harassment, getting restrained, uncomfy thoughts, self-degrading language, light s*icidal thoughts, violence, and curse words. This one's a heavy chapter folks so if you're sensitive to that stuff, scroll past and stay safe!

Alright, Salena. You got this. Just remember: if you’re quick and quiet, he won’t notice you. ‘Tis the rules of ninja stealth mode, baby!

Finally back at school but am I gonna face my problems? Nope! I’ve decided to take Splinter’s advice on just doing things when I’m ready. Even though sometimes I feel like I’ll never be ready. Every time I even thought about talking to Jaiden or Zane, I’d find myself getting strangely mad. I know I’ll screw things up if I talk with a temper. 

But hey! That’s not my focus right now, anyway. I’ve been searching for a good opportunity to finally meet and talk to Draxum today! It turns out the world really is fucking miniature since he works at April’s old high school - aka my current one - as that scary mean lunch aid everyone fears to death. Who knew, right? I’m hoping I can make a good impression on him today! And maybe possibly get my very own weapon but that’s totally not my first priority at all… 

I already planned to skip study hall to try and sneak into the kitchen. I know that lunch is next period but Draxum gets pretty busy when he actually has to work so I'd rather not bother him during those moments. Besides, it’s May! I would’ve spent my study hall sitting there doing jackshit, anyway, so I doubt the teachers care if I’ll be missing. There’s just one hurdle to my otherwise flawless plan. The reason I’m perched up on top of the fluorescent light trying not to cry from how dirty it is up here instead of in the kitchen by now: Zane’s been tailing me all damn morning.

He and I share a study hall so not seeing me there probably prompted him to run out looking  for me. Guess I can’t blame him too much, I haven’t really talked to him or Jaiden so I know he’s just worried. But my god, the dude’s more annoying than an actual hall monitor right now. I’ve lost track of how long this little cat and mouse game’s gone on. 

I watched in agony waiting for Zane to pass by. He stopped, looked both ways, and turned the corner, successfully convinced I wasn’t right above him. Man, I knew parkour would come in useful someplace but never have I ever thought that place would be in school. 

I victoriously hopped off the pretty bright light and bolted towards the cafeteria, checking behind me to make sure Zane didn’t come back this way. I can’t wait to finally meet Drax and get my very own weapon! I hope it’s something cool! I mean, I don’t even know how it’s supposed to be picked but holy hell I am so excited and everything’s playing out so perfectly right now I genuinely can’t believe-

“Oof!” 

Of course, I accidentally ran into someone. So much for ninjocity. The poor guy fell to his knees, and rubbed his head, messing up his fluffy black hair.

“Omigosh are you okay!? I am so so so sorry!” I stepped closer to him, reaching out my hand. “Here, let me help you up.”

“Argh… yeah, thank y-“

He stopped mid-sentence, wide teal eyes staring right at me. His expression looked strange, it wasn’t happy but it wasn’t sad either. Or actually, it was a little? He’s not saying anything or moving, it seems like he’s about to simultaneously laugh and cry. 

But maybe I’m reading too deep into it, he could just be in shock or something. 

“Um… I hope I didn’t bump into you too hard. Are you gonna take my hand…?”

“O-oh, right, sorry! I uh… I spaced out.” 

“Don’t worry, totally get that!” I laughed, pulling him to his feet. “Ya know, I don’t recognize you. Are you new here?” 

“Yeah, I actually just joined today, tenth grade! My name is Ca-”

“There you are!” A hand grabbed my shoulder from behind.

“Z-Zane!?”

“I’ve been looking all over for you, Salena!” His arm wrapped around my shoulder, possessively holding me close while shooting daggers at the stranger. It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out what message he’s trying to send. “Hey there, new guy. Nice to see you again. I didn’t know you and Salena already met.”

“We just bumped into each other, that was it.” He turned towards me, his look switching back from hostile to friendly “So, it’s Salena?”

I wanted to respond but got cut off as always “Oh, getting bold now, are we? What, just because you’re new you think you’re some kind of hotshot?”

“What? No, I’m literally just talking.”

“I know, that’s what I’m saying. Don’t talk to her at all.”

“Uh, why? You’ve been rude to me the entire time in class and now you’re trying to monitor who I talk to? Honestly, what is your problem?”

“My problem is cute guys like you who think they can do whatever they want with whoever they want just because they look good! I’m warning you now if you try to play any mind games on her, you’ll be hating every fucking second of being alive.”

Fucksake, what is he doing? “Zane, come on, you’re being extra.”

“Salena, don’t.”

“But-”

“Just don’t! You’re too nice to everyone and never know what’s good for you!” As he said that, I glanced over and saw the new guy looking at me with expecting eyes. Zane turned to him shortly after. “And you, stay away from her, got it? I’ll say this once and only once: she’s not interested.”

“Dude, why are you getting so worked up? I’m trying to talk to Salena, not you. I want to befriend them. It’s their choice if they don’t want that and I’ll respect it. But you don’t get to decide that!”

“Yeah, okay, look at you trying to white knight the situation. Look, Salena might be naive but I’m not!” Ah, there it is again! If the word naive were a person, I’d be on death row by now! “I know exactly what you’re trying to do, you little freak, and it’s not gonna work, ya hear me?”

“Zane, stop!” He was starting to get way too physically close to him and way too metaphorically close to breaking my patience. “He’s new to the school, we just met! Why are you acting like this? You’re being mean for no reason!”

“No reason? You haven’t said anything to me the entire day, Jaiden texts saying you’ve avoided them too, and now I just happened to find you here giggling with the new transfer and you’re telling me there’s nothing funny going on?” 

I groaned. As much as I felt tempted to clock him in the face, I didn’t feel like dealing with the aftermath of having to somehow make it up to him. For now, gotta focus on making sure the new guy doesn’t pop a blood vessel on his very first day. Defeated, I reached out and grabbed Zane’s shoulders, keeping him facing towards me.

“Of course, there’s nothing going on! Hey, I’m gonna talk to other people but you and Jaiden are still gonna be my best friends.” My hand signaled the boy behind him to run while he could. “I’m not gonna just replace you guys for no good reason!”

“Then why were you avoiding me?”

“I wasn’t avoiding, I just… I had something important to do, alright?” At least that’s only half a lie.

“Oh really? Important with some guy who just transferred here?”

FOR THE LOVE OF- “Ugh, no, I told you I ran into him by accident! Like, literally ran into him. The important task is something else.” I peeked behind him, noticing the boy left. “And speaking of that, I gotta dash! It’s time sensitive so… yeah!”

“Huh? W-wait!”

You bet your ass I skedaddled away from him as soon as I could. I finally entered the cafeteria, resuming my mission from before. It’s quite empty, a stark difference from what I’m used to. You could probably hear a pin drop in here. I decided it got too eerie, so I took a page out of Mikey’s book and proceeded to swing the kitchen doors open in the loudest, most obnoxious way I could, getting greeted with a scream followed by a very annoyed groan. 

“Oh, it’s one of you annoying brats. I thought I had to be worried for a second.” He didn’t roll his eyes but he might as well have, honestly. 

“Sorry! I just wanted to ask-” I paused, looking past his body and catching a glimpse of something he was trying to hide. “What’s that behind your back?”

“Nothing that concerns you. And shouldn’t you be in class?”

“Eh, it’s study hall so skipping’s not a huge deal.”

He sighed “Do what you want, kid, but why insist on pestering me? Can’t you see I’m busy enough?”

“Oh! Right! My bad.” I lightly bumped into the door frame as I walked inside “Um, so like… I was just wondering, do you happen to know a Baron Draxum around here?”

The purple vines swiftly tangled around my waist, snatching me from the ground and suspending me in the air while a couple others pointed sharp at my head.

“How do you know that name!? Who sent you, tiny assassin?”

“Yo yo yo, chill, chill! I’m a friend! O-of the turtles! Ya know, your sons or something?” 

He scoffed “Likely story! Those idiots get themselves a new ‘friend’ every week. Tell me, assassin, if you’re on such friendly terms with them then why would you refer to me as Baron Draxum? They don’t call me that anymore!”

“Dude, I dunno! I wanted to somehow indicate that I knew about the whole Yōkai ordeal and I thought if I called you Barry you’d think I was just another kid, ya know?”

“And why exactly wouldn’t you just say that?”

“...Good point. You know what, I did not think this through. And actually, thinking about it now, it honestly makes way more sense you’re a Yōkai! I mean, the occasional random vines in the flooring, the weird forestry state of the kitchen, yada yada. But I guess I just thought you were some sort of extreme nature lover or something, ya get me?” 

SHING!

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!” I looked at my arms and gasped “Wait! I can prove it! My arm-wrap-glove-thingies!”

“What about them?”

“They’re Genius Tech, a gift from Donnie!” I took one of them off and threw it, landing on his eyes with a splat. “See? Donnie wouldn’t give me these if we weren’t friends! O-or at least close acquaintances on friendly terms! So ha!” 

He inspected the clothing, grunting when he saw the all too familiar logo “...Fine. I suppose he wouldn’t let a thief get away with all their limbs intact. But why are you even wearing these in school?” 

“…They go with my aesthetic, okay?”

“That was rhetorical, I didn’t actually care.” He finally set me down, not looking any less bit irritated, though. “Now, what do you want? I don’t have all day for your childsplay.”

“A weapon!”

“What?”

“I want a weapon!” I beamed at him, instinctively flapping my hands. “Like the ones the guys and April have! April told me they all got their first weapons from you since you’ve got a whole stash of them! So, I was wondering if I could get one, too? Please?”

“Of course you are.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering to himself. “And for the record they didn’t get their weapons, they stole them! But anyway, I can’t help you even if I actually wanted to. My weapons are down in the Hidden City, I cannot simply wish them into existence.”

Darn. “Well… is there some way to portal down there maybe? Mikey and Leo can open portals so maybe you can too?...”

“As a matter of fact, I can.”

“Great! Then lets-”

“Not doing that, though.”

“What!?” At this point, I feel like he’s just dicking with me for the sake of it. “Oh come on, you’re supposed to be some sort of great mystic warrior alchemist guy! Surely you can do something to help me?”

“Listen, kid. Barry Draxum has far too much work to do to take some random student on a lab tour, especially just to get them a weapon to fit in with their friends. Go away and stop bothering me.” 

He walked past me to start prepping for lunch next period, his towering height only further emphasizing his authority. Still, I’m not backing down. Not this time. 

“I’m not trying to fit in. I know you’re busy but I’m not asking this for shits and giggles. I want a weapon to keep me safe! My life has been one chaotic run-in after another with mutants and giant cats and every time has had at least one near-death experience guaranteed! Look! I’ve even got the scars to prove it!” 

I held up my left arm, the bandage now visible with my arm wrap off. “Something bad almost happened last time and I got everyone worried. I just wanna make sure I don’t have to constantly need protection and burden them again. I wanna be useful, you know?”

He glanced at my arm and sighed. He may act like he didn’t give a rat’s ass but looking more carefully, it’s clear a part of him might’ve softened a little. 

“I’m not opening a portal and I mean that, I promised Mikey and O’Neil I wouldn’t use my mystic powers on the surface. With that being said, however…”

Draxum walked back to where I initially found him crouching when I came here, beckoning me to join him. I gasped when he opened the cupboard, revealing two giant blades hidden in them.

“Wow…”

“You’re lucky you came at the perfect time.” He took them out, gripping the seafoam green handles. “Usually, a warrior such as I would be entrusted with the safekeeping of numerous weaponry. But after gaining a criminal record, the Council decided I wouldn’t be allowed any more than I currently have.”

“Then… how’d you get this one?”

He scoffed, “Obviously, I stole it. Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to obtain them even with the Council on my side. These don’t belong to them.” He proudly presented the weapons, the silver blades shining in the light. “They’re a privately owned contraption, made by a very famous pristine Family in the Hidden City. No one outside them owns these sickles except now, of course, me.” 

“Hold up, these giant things are sickles? Aren’t those, like, usually way tinier and kinda useless compared to other ninja weapons?”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Well, this beggar can and will.” I pointed at myself, skeptical he was still trying to sell me short. “I’ve done my fair share of research on weaponry, sickles are lame! Their blades can barely do shit and they’re way too close range to keep the wielder safe.”

“Stop sassing me, child, I’ve done my own fair share of more accurate research. These are mystic sickles, they will be different from your pathetic human tools.” 

He began polishing them while continuing his rambles. “If you’re concerned about their sharpness, then you’ll be satisfied to know their blades can change by the user’s will. One minute, they’re strong enough to slice diamond and the next minute, they can’t even shatter glass. And all my sources confirmed they can turn the wielder invisible for varying periods of time, depending on their strength. It’s incredibly difficult coming across any information on them, but apparently, they were made to manipulate reality.”

“Apparently? I won’t lie, this all sounds legitimately cool and stuff but like, have you ever tested them out? Why’s all this just based on research when you have the weapon itself?”

“They don’t work from my touch.” Bruh.

“Come again?”

“These sickles are the only weapons that don’t seem to activate when I use them. So, my offer to you is if you can get these to work, I’ll allow you to own them permanently as long as you send me any new information you gain on them.”

“Oh, joy! You think that I - the ordinary human person - can get these things to work when you - the mystic magic Yōkai guy - cant?” I sighed, scratching my head before ultimately reaching out. “You know what, fine. Even if I get scammed, it’s worth a shot.” 

He plopped them into my hands as I fell forward, grunting from the weight. Jeez, I can barely even pick these up. “God, for a scientist you sure are pretty bad at educated guesses- Woah!”

I flinched and stepped back when the sickles suddenly sharted floating in the air. Draxum copied my actions, both of us staring intently at them. The pink details on the handle lit up, spiraling around the grips and spreading to the blades, shining it all in a soft aura of the same hue. A part of me felt drawn to the light, as if it were calling me. I realize how incredibly stupid that sounds but in the moment, that didn’t really matter. 

I reached out and held the sickles again, the aura spreading to me before fading away. They felt much lighter now, I can actually hold them with ease! The silver blades got dipped in deep, dark pink. If a rose could bleed, it’d be that color.

“Fascinating…” He adjusted his glasses. “Seems like my guess wasn’t so stupid after all, was it?” He smirked at me, genuinely emoting this time.

“I… I guess not. Aight, I’m sold! Although, I feel like the sickles chose me more than I chose them.” So, like a person getting claimed by a stray cat, I had no choice but to keep them.

“Wonderful, these are now yours, congratulations.” He held me by the shoulders and pushed me out the kitchen. “And remember, update me on any and every new bit of information you learn while using this. It was nice to meet you, blah blah blah, now don’t bother me during work ever again.”

He closed the door and almost instantly the school bell rang. I jumped, frantically shoving the sickles into my backpack right as people started coming in through the doors for lunch. I had no idea this much time passed. I should probably get out of here before-

“Salena?” 

I’ve been jinxing myself a lot today, haven’t I? Jaiden’s standing right in front of me now. Might as well leap off a cliff and call it quits, to be honest.

“H-Hey…” 

“Quite the busy gal today, aren’t you.” They’re speaking slowly, this isn’t a good sign.

“Oh, um, yeah, kinda. I just had to take care of something.”

“Cool, I guess.” 

We both stood there awkwardly. My chest feels so heavy. Jaiden’s barely looking at me but I swear if they did I’d downright die from their glare. What do I even do? How do I face this?

Just… run away. You’re… you’re good at that. So run away.

“…I need to go.” 

“What? Okay, that’s it. What is up with you? You didn’t come to school Monday or yesterday and you’ve avoided me all of today. Now when I finally catch up to you, you have to go?” 

“I just got into a small accident, is all. I had to stay home.” Not like you tried to reach out, anyway. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you ask?”

They groaned at me. I don’t usually bicker back but the way Jaiden was treating this, as if they don’t know what they did, it’s just… it’s just getting to me. I don’t want to be like this but it’s getting to me.

“Salena, snap out of it, will you? You’ve been acting so pissy, lately! I literally didn’t even do anything!”

My body chose to scoff “Yeah, not with me, that’s for sure.”

They squinted at me, only half understanding what I meant. “Are you… mad we didn’t hang out this weekend?” They facepalmed, framing me as the idiot for being upset over that. “Dude, you can’t be serious, I said something came up! It’s not like I totally ghosted you or anything!” 

It’s not like you totally ghosted me?

“...Jaiden, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Why not?”

Shut up. 

“I don’t feel okay talking about this.”

“Oh really? Like how you never feel okay confronting anything? What, do you just expect me to drop this because her highness isn’t feeling okay?” 

My face feels boiling hot, I can’t help clenching my fists. I’m trying to breathe. Everything will be okay if I just breathe.

“A-are you crying? Ugh, seriously? It’s like all you ever know is how to run away or cry! We’re not thirteen anymore, just grow up!”

Stop.

“It was annoying when you were such an emotional crybaby back then but now it’s just getting ridiculous!”

STOP.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t tell me you’re upset that I’m right. That you’d rather selfishly push this to the side instead of just dealing with it like a normal person!”

Why are you being so mean?

“Salena, say something already! Stop with the pity party, the world doesn’t revolve around you-“

“I SAID SHUT UP!” 

They did.

I didn’t mean to say that.

I don’t know for how long, but somehow I tuned out the noisy cafeteria, my ears bugged with a faint buzz. My eyes were fixed on them, and theirs on me. In all our five years of friendship, I’ve never not once yelled at Jaiden before.

“…Who even are you?…”

Those words sting. They sting because they’re right. Who am I?

“Moni! Reeves!” Draxum’s voice snapped me out of my daze. “Stop standing in the middle of my cafeteria and causing traffic!” 

I guess that was our cue to sit down. And continue. Even though I don’t want to.

“Where do you think you’re headed, Moni?” For whatever reason he was still yelling at me from behind the food rack.

“T-to go find a seat?”

“I told you to head to the nurse! If that cut you got while helping me in the kitchen gets infected thanks to your horrid luck, I’ll be held responsible. So go there right now!”

Huh?…

“Y-yeah, sorry, I’m going.” I rushed out before Jaiden could say anything more. I’m a little shocked he was listening, even more so that he actually helped me. 

Whatever, I’m just grateful for the excuse to get away. 

I gently touched my heated forehead. 

Plus, maybe going to the nurse isn’t such a bad idea, anyway. 

***

The shiny streets reflected my steps as I took in the familiar damp scent. The gray fog left over after rain always gave the city a different vibe.

I got sent home early by the nurse. Apparently, another panic attack arose after talking with Jaiden. The nurse took pity on me when she realized and got me the rest of the day off, giving me a pass and everything. Told me to go home and take it easy. Come back tomorrow when I’m feeling better. I laughed at the memory. Oh, if only they knew going home meant the exact opposite.

So instead, I’m out here. Wandering in New York in its post-rainy weather to clear my mind. Maybe that’s why I keep having these thoughts. I don’t usually dwell on the whole shitty situation of my life. But right now, in the colorless skies and the somber silence, I can’t help but feel pathetic.

A pebble found its way into my boots. Annoying. I didn’t feel like dealing with it, though, so I just kept walking.

I walked more and more and more, trying to forget being present. Trying to forget this stupid mess I somehow got myself into. Wordlessly wandering, hoping the city would just swallow me whole so I wouldn’t be seen. I feel sick and ashamed but so enraged at the same time. How could they still continue to play dumb? After seeing me like that they pretended to know absolutely nothing. I’m not misreading anything, am I? What if I got the situation wrong? I can’t tell if I’d be happy Jaiden didn’t actually ditch me, or depressed I’d have yelled at them for nothing. They’re right but they’re wrong but they’re right. Or, at least I think they’re right? Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. But that could mean so many things. What am I even talking about? What’s-

“Hello? Anyone there?” A pale hand waved in front of my eyes. I glanced up at its owner. “Welcome back to Earth, sweetheart.”

A tall blonde boy stood in front of me, a couple other boys whom I can only presume were his friends looked down at me with him. 

“H-h-hi?...” My brain, still adjusting back to reality, only spoke in stammers “C-can I help you?”

One of his friends chuckled “We were wondering the same thing. You were just walking blindly into a dead end!”

For the first time since god knows when, I scanned my surroundings realizing I have no clue where the fuck I am. Somehow, I wandered into an alley, not too deep but still pretty disorienting. There’s a wall behind them, I guess that was the dead end they’re talking about. Two of them snickered while looking at a phone.

“You seriously recorded her?”

“Course I did. I knew girls were ditzy but this? She ran into a building, like, three times! And apologized to it!” Okay, I admit, not my best moment but still, feels a little weird for them to record it. I wonder how long they were filming before deciding to actually check in on me.

“Guys, stop. You’ll make her run away.” The blonde boy spoke again. “Don’t worry kitten, we’re not here to hurt you. You just looked lost. If you want some help finding your way, we’d be glad to assist!” 

…I know he’s not saying anything inherently wrong, but the way he speaks makes my skin crawl. There’s something about his tone. It’s sweeter than it should be. That specific type of sweetness no human being shows without having ulterior motives. 

His gaze grew more intense. “Do I… know you?” I don’t like how close his face is to mine.

A part of me got suspicious, too. We might indeed know each other. Or at least, I might know him. Blonde hair, green eyes, creepy as shit. But it’d be ridiculous if he’s actually who I think he is. I mean, not every blonde white guy’s gonna be related to-

“I do know you! You’re that cutie my brother keeps talking about!”

Yep, it’s him. Because my luck couldn’t get any worse, I ran into Cole Evans, Zane’s freakshow older brother. 

No wonder my fight or flight feels triggered.

Play it cool. “I think you have me mistaken for someone else. And thank you, but I’m not lost.”

Right as I turned around to leave, my shoulders pricked up. He put his grimy hands on them, firmly grasping onto them as if any of this is fucking okay. “Oh, don’t be like that! What’d he say your name was… Salena, right? You think I’m as boring as Zane or something?” He spoke too close to my ear. My legs are trembling, aching to run. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. “Why’re you being such a killjoy, hm? You know I’m not that much older than you, right?”

I need to go.

I spun around and elbowed his side as hard as I could, forcing him to stumble back. I desperately wanted to sprint but his friends blocked my path, grabbing my wrists when I tried reaching for the blades hidden in my backpack. They were laughing and poking fun at Cole and he himself didn’t seem all too phased either, straightening up as the pain died down.

“Let me go!”

“Seems like she’s more tiger than kitten aye, Cole?”

“Good thing I like the feisty ones.”

I thrashed around kicking and stomping, trying to hit anything I could or at least break free but nothing was working. They’re dodging everything and the grip on my wrists only gets tighter. All the while they’re mocking me like I’m a dog or something. Is this just a sick joke to all of them? 

“Aww, look at her! Is that really the best you can do to fight back?”

I need to keep trying, I need to find a way out. But they have me trapped. I can barely move around. I can’t dodge, I can’t run. I don’t know how to fight, I’m useless if I can’t run. What do I do? What do I do?

BAM!

I didn’t realize how unstable my balance was. Not until I found myself fallen on the ground finally able to freely move my wrists. The guy restraining me earlier was now groaning on the ground too, holding the freshly bruised side of his face in agony. 

“You wanna fight? Then pick on someone my size!”

“Raph?...” I watched from the ground, mouth hanging open.

Without hesitation, Raph charged at them. They were cocky at first but the atmosphere quickly shifted after seeing how powerful the “person” in the gray hoodie was. I don’t even blame them, I’ve never seen him punch anyone so hard before. He’d slam them into everything: the walls, the ground, I might’ve even heard bones crack. He’s taking all of them on.

Meanwhile, I’m here uselessly watching. 

I should help. I want to help. I know he’s strong but there’s a good number of them and they’re not exactly weaponless. But what do I do? What could I do? I have my sickles but what if I make things worse? What if things get too messy, what if things go too far? If the police get involved-

Wait, an opening! 

They’re so distracted dealing with Raph, no one’s blocking the way out! 

Run! JUST RUN!

“Come on!” I grabbed Raph’s hand the first opportunity I could and fled from the scene, him confused but not stopping us. 

We ran for what felt like forever. Just chose a direction and bolted, not much logic behind it. If anything, it felt like pure instinct. Traffic lights and stop signs didn’t seem to matter to me and frankly, I’m surprised we didn’t get run over. We only stopped when my lungs gave out and forced me to gasp for air. 

Raph seemed fine, a little concerned, but fine. “You okay? Was passing by and heard ya scream. When I ran in, I found ‘em surrounding you.” 

“Y-yeah, I’m just… I just, I-I don’t know. Sorry, can I just have a minute?” I continued heaving in the air, can’t tell if it was from running so much or another god forsaken panic attack.

Regardless, Raph stayed crouching by me as I held my throbbing head, trying to not cry. He's quiet but attentive, noticeably making an effort to avoid physical contact for now. Strangely enough, his presence alone is making me feel better. 

I steadied my breathing “Th-thanks for jumping in, Raph. Um… sorry I couldn’t, ya know, handle it myself.”

“Nah, it’s cool. Not your fault those creeps were messing with you.” 

“Still…” I wish I did more. 

And just like that, my breathing progress backtracked “Sorry I… A-a lot happened today. Too much too soon and I have no clue how to just… Gosh, I don’t even know, I-I guess get it out?” 

“Uhh, well uh…” His eyes lit up “Ooh! Actually, I’ve got a good way to deal with that kinda stuff, if you don’t mind comin’ over to the lair for a bit!”

“Oh, um, really? You wouldn’t mind?”

“Course not! Plus, Raph could use the company, anyway.”

Well, I’d definitely be safer in the lair than out here. 

I gave a weak smile “Alrighty then. I’m down!”

He reached for my hand, only taking it when he was sure it was okay. We walked along the city streets for a while. His large hand practically engulfed mine, I felt like a little kid next to their big brother. Is it weird to say I feel a little safer that way? 

We reached the lair, entering through a manhole and strolling till we reached an abandoned subway track. The familiar scent shot back to my brain. It’s strong but not overwhelming. 

“Here we are! Home sweet home!”

It’s surprisingly empty today. “Where’s everyone else?” 

“Probably doing their own thing. Hopefully safe. Raph, uh, doesn’t like thinkin’ about it too much.”

“Then Salena shall not question! So um… what exactly are we gonna do?-” 

“Catch!”

I stumbled back in shock, peering down as whatever he threw now landed in my arms. They’re… boxing gloves?

“The fuck?”

“We’re gonna deal with your thoughts the best way I know: by punching ‘em in the face!”

I blinked as I realized he’s being completely and entirely serious. I hesitated at first, but then I really gave it a good thought. I’ve read before that working out can boost your mood. A little harmless violence is a strangely good way to let out anger, especially. Plus, if I make a habit of this, I might be able to boost my strength along with it! Then I wouldn’t have to solely depend on running all the time! 

“Worth a shot!” I finally shrugged in acceptance and put on the boxing gloves, staring at the bag in front of me. “Do I just go ahead and punch it?”

“Yep, basically! But when you do, try thinking about whatever’s bugging ya and pretend it’s the bag. It’ll help you smash harder and make ya feel better!”

“Okie dokers, here I go.” 

Smack!

I gave it a light punch to test it out, making sure to catch the bag as it swung back so it didn’t punch me instead. It hurts a little since I’m not used to the impact on my fist but it’s nothing that makes me scream and writhe in pain.

“Good job for your first hit, Salena! Now try and put some more force into it!”

I repeated my actions but with a stronger punch like he instructed. I kept doing it until I got a decent enough rhythm I could keep up with. So now it’s time for the second and arguably harder part: letting my thoughts out. I don’t really wanna think about the… situation in the street. So I guess what’s left is thinking about Jaiden instead. Ugh.

Smack!

Where do I even begin with this? I mean, I can’t even properly figure out how I’m feeling, let alone word it. All I know is that there’s a shit ton of guilt associated with it. I never meant to yell at Jaiden, it just sorta happened. 

Smack!

But it’s not like it came out of nowhere, either! They’re the one who ditched me! Jaiden and I planned ahead of time to meet up and hang out, I made it explicitly clear I missed them and wanted to be with them. They said they were busy and didn’t even give me a reason for it! And then they hang out with Zane the same day? They basically chose him over me!

Smack!

But I shouldn’t have yelled either. I made things so much worse now, it’ll be too awkward to ever bring it up. They’ll just tell me off for getting mad and completely ignore everything else. God this is so frustrating! 

SMACK!

Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did they have to be so mean? The things they said and the things I did! It’s all spinning around in a giant whirlpool of bad and dangerous thoughts and I hate it! I can’t stop thinking about it and I hate it! Have I been a bad friend? Is Zane that much better than me? Am I just not interesting? What did I do for them to just ditch me! 

SMACK!

We’re best friends, why are we acting like this!? I let my temper get the best of me! I yelled at them, I fucking yelled at them! I’m mad and upset but fuck I yelled at them! I’ve never yelled at Jaiden before. We’re best friends. How could I do that!? 

SMACK!!

I’m awful! I’m terrible! I feel like an asshole! I am an asshole! I should know better! I do know better! How could I fuck up so badly!? How could I do this!? How!? How!? HOW!? I DESERVE TO FUCKING-

“Salena!” 

SMACK!!!

Raph’s arm went in between me and the bag, taking the hit in my place. I know he’s strong but judging from how loud the crash was, I doubt it didn’t at least sting.

“That was close. Everything okay? Why’d you stop punching? If the bag hit you it could’ve done some serious damage!”

“I didn’t realize I did…” I ran my hand through my hair, sighing heavily. “Ugh, fuck! Sorry, Raph. I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to do this. It’s just making everything feel more clouded than before.”

He stared at the bag for a moment. “Alright, well…” Then he let it rest, and faced me with his fists up. “We’ll spar instead.”

I tilted my head to the side, communicating my confusion.

“The whole point of this thing is to let your thoughts out, maybe if you’re just thinkin’ about it, it’s still keeping it in. If you’re cool with it, we could try talking instead of only venting while we fight and it might clear things up!” He chuckled lightly. “And don’t worry, Raph goes easy on first-timers.”

Honestly, he might actually have a point with that. “I’m open to trying!”

We’re starting off with some light jabs at each other. I felt a little out of place fighting Raph, partly cause I don’t like hitting him and partly cause I’m terrified to let him hit me. I’ve been dodging and blocking decently enough, though. HIs punches feel way lighter than normal so he wasn’t kidding about going easier.

“So, tell me. What’s bothern’ ya so much today?”

“It’s kinda my friend. I think I did something since they hadn’t talked to me much for days. And then one day when we were supposed to finally hang out, they told me something came up.” I punched a little harder, getting blocked by his forearm. “And then I found out that ‘something’ was them hanging out with our other friend who posted it on Instagram! They totally ditched me!”

He jabbed at my right, barely missing when I dodged. “Did you try talking to them? Could be a misunderstanding.”

“That’s the thing, every time I wanted to I just kept getting so mad thinking about it. And then when it actually happened, I wasn’t prepared and I screamed. They were being kinda mean but still, I never yelled at Jaiden before.”

The pace picked up some more. Raph’s hits were getting quicker and harder to dodge, I’ve had to shield myself more often. He did leave some opportunities, though. I’m gonna assume it’s on purpose to let me have a few hits but either way, it’s training so I’m gonna take full advantage of that.

“How long have you two been friends?”

“Five years, we’ve known each other since middle school. That’s why it’s killing me inside. You should’ve seen their face Raph, they looked so… shocked! Shocked that I had it in me, that I’m a shitty enough person to yell at my friend!”

“I mean, I get it but, you’re still human. No normal person’s gonna go through life never yelling at their friends.” He swung at me. “And if you’ve been friends so long, why don’t y’all just talk it out? Dontcha think apologizing would help?”

I ducked, narrowly missing it. “I mean, yeah it would, but that’s not gonna stop it from being an issue. Sometimes I’ve had to fight myself really hard to stay calm around Jaiden but I always managed to do it. Now that I blew up, though, it’ll just keep happening.”

“What do ya mean?”

“Anger issues.” I attempted a jab. “I’ve had anger issues growing up.”

“Ah. Yeah, Raph knows a thing or two about that.”

“It sucks because like, I try not to let it show. And I think I’ve done a good job. But everything’s been so overwhelming lately that I’ve been snapping left and right! I keep getting mad and forgetting to control my temper and doing stupid things as a result! It’s so annoying!” 

The anger’s helping my punches get faster. I’m barely even focusing on it but I can tell I wasn’t moving this quick earlier. Somehow, I actually managed to land a hit on his plastron, though he didn’t even flinch. Still, it’s definitely helping me build up some power. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have celebrated too quickly, though. He countered with a jab at my shoulder, forcing me to pause and regain my stance. He let me take my time, bouncing with his fists up like before and waiting for me to resume the fight. I did so shortly after catching my breath.

“Ya know, I’ve dealt with anger issues growing up, too. It’s why I got into working out so much, it’s a good outlet.” He started blocking more, letting me get a few more hits in to help me practice.

“Yeah, but your brothers love you a lot, you couldn’t have hurt them too bad. If you did, wouldn’t they just hate you?”

He laughed. “You’d be surprised! I was a real problem-child growing up, even worse than Donnie. I mean, I still loved my bros back then and acted the way I do now but… I still had a huge temper and wasn’t as good keeping it in check. Actually speaking of Dee, I did hurt him pretty badly once. Physically.”

My arms were getting tired. “What’d you do? If you’re okay sharing.”

“Well, uh, turns out anger issues and pre-teen hormones don’t mix well. It’s a little fuzzy but I know it was over something dumb. I was having a bad day so I started punching my room’s walls. It made a lotta noise and Donnie came in telling me I was bein’ too loud and it hurt his ears. I shoulda just stopped like he asked me to but I didn’t and started yelling at him and taking my anger out on him. Don didn’t back down, either, so we ended up arguing. I don’t even know how things got so heated but it got physical and I accidentally hit his shell.”

“What!?” I stopped for a moment, trying to take it in. I know Donnie’s a softshell and judging from how hard Raph’s been hitting even now when he’s being light, I could put two and two together. “Sorry that happened, Raphie. For both of you.”

“It’s fine, he wasn’t too badly hurt thankfully.” He threw a punch to signal me to keep going. “But he built his battleshell a few days later. I don’t think it was out of anger towards me, I don’t even think Dee remembers what happened other than us getting into a fight. But it still stung when I figured out why he made it.”

“And why was that?”

“...I think he built it so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him again. He knew I felt guilty and I wouldn’t stop apologizin’ to him for days. I think the battleshell was his way to keep himself safe but for my sake more than his.”

Raph began using a more offensive style, letting me play defense and rest my body a little. Perfect timing since I don’t think I would’ve been able to focus on giving strong hits. I’m just trying to process what happened. I knew Raph could get mad easily and shouts a bit. But I’ve never seen him really act violent towards his family, quite the opposite actually. It never even crossed my head that maybe he had to learn this the hard way.

“We’re both past it now and I’ve def gotten better with the whole temper thing. Plus that battleshell’s like, his favorite thing he ever made now. So all’s well that ends well, I guess!”

I slid back, shielding another hit. “Does it… still hurt you to think about it?”

He paused and chuckled. “You kiddin’? Hurts like hell.” Then went right back to fighting.

“So… how’d you do it? You seem so different compared to how you described yourself as a kid. Just… seems like a lot of change.”

“It was! I found better ways to deal with things. I worked out, listened to older songs, that kinda stuff. Still not the best I could be but it’s a work in progress!”

“I already do those things, though. I mean, not working out but like, I’ve got ways to cope with my anger. It just still happened.”

“Then there’s only one thing I can tell ya. It’s the hardest thing but also the most important.”

I freaked out when he swiped his leg at mine, knocking me off balance. I raised my head to look at him crouched by me again.

“Never give up on yourself. If you do that, it’s over.” He picked me up by my shoulders, me weighing absolutely nothing to him, and set me back on my feet. “But ‘till you do that, there’ll always be hope.” 

He smiled, the snaggletooth gleaming. “Think we’ve done enough today. You look tired.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Truth be told, I didn’t entirely realize how worn out my body was ‘till he pointed it out. “Thanks for, well, helping me out with this stuff. You’re… a good friend, Raph.”

“Anytime.” He pointed at his shell. “Want a ride home?”

I grinned and nodded, my nerves washing away from me. I know from experience this relief is only temporary, but maybe it’s okay to enjoy it anyway.

We had a nice and pleasant walk back to my place, me on his shell as we talked about more lighter topics. He shared a lot about his music taste especially, R&B is his favorite and helps him chill out often. I’ve never given it a try myself but I’m always happy to have an excuse to. I got dropped off at my building’s entrance, strolling in as I thought about the last thing I asked him before bidding him goodbye.

“Raph… do you think I’m a bad person?”

“Not even close. Like I said before, you’re just human.”

I hate to admit it, but there’s a lump in my throat from thinking about it. Weird thing is, I don’t mind it. The elevator’s quiet hum only made this peace more apparent. 

Ding!

And there goes my phone ruining that peace once again. I saw the notification, Zane texted. I guess his brother told him about our little “introduction”, if you can even call it that. 

Ding!

He also told him about Raph. And he’s mad at me now, asking who the guy in the gray hoodie was. He’s more focused on Raph than on his brother’s bullshit. Lovely.

…You know what, this can wait for another day. One thing at a time, Salena. One thing at a time.

Next Chapter

[coffeeheartaddict2]

Safe Harbour

Book: Open Heart (between my ending of book 2 and beginning of When Egos Collide)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Casey Valentine

Warnings: mentions of past abuse(non physical), language, pregnancy scare

Trope: and there was a lot of comfort

Category : angst with fluff moments

Summary: Casey receives a message from her first college ex boyfriend that stirs up many not so nice emotions. This also doubles as The exes talk about Casey’s exes.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry.

Author’s note: Submission for CFWC Naughty and Nice Event.

Prompt/s: I won’t let anyone hurt you, you’re safe with me.

First confession

🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Casey was on cloud nine, Edenbrook was safe, she still had a job, she finally had some clarity about where things were with her and Ethan and more importantly they did not need to hide it after getting approval from the board. It was coming up to the enforced closure of Edenbrook whilst the main part of the renovations that Leland had undertaken. Ethan had a therapy session with Louise today so Casey was at the apartment with her friends. They were enjoying a brunch together. Everyone was excited but apprehensive about the year ahead but all were relieved that they were able to complete their residencies together.

After brunch the gang split up. Casey went to her room to get ready to go to Ethan’s. She was proud of Ethan for embarking on the journey that he was undertaking with Louise. She understood his initial apprehension but as he was starting to understand Louise better he was undertaking himself better and if she was being honest, it was helping their relationship also. Despite the good place there was a part that she had not shared with Ethan yet. Her two exes, he knew they existed and that the relationships were not great but he did not know how bad they were, especially the first one. At the time she felt what Ethan knew would be enough but little did she know that her world was going to come crashing down.

She made her way to Ethan’s, picking up some Cannolis on the way for afternoon tea. She arrived at his apartment, happily greeted by Jenner. She put the Cannolis in the fridge and made her way to the balcony to enjoy the rest of the nice day. She had started to doze off when her phone went off. She thought it would be a text from Ethan telling her he was on his way home but it was not.

“Hello Casey, It has been awhile. We must catch up. Jaiden.”

Casey could feel the colour drain from her face and she started to shake. Just then Ethan arrived home. He saw her sitting on the balcony and made his way out to her. He was not prepared for what he saw, which was Casey trembling whilst holding her phone, looking pale. Just then her phone rang, before Casey could say to not answer it, Ethan picked it up and did so. The person on the other end hung up as soon as Ethan answered.

He turned to Casey.

“What is wrong sweetheart?”

Casey unlocks her phone and shows him the message.

“Who is Jaiden?”

“My ex boyfriend from undergrad…” Casey then starts to cry.

Ethan gives her a hug and rubs comforting circles on her back. He kisses the top of her head. “I won’t let anyone hurt you,you are safe with me.”

Casey nodded.

“I know, but seeing the message brought everything back…”

“You don’t need to tell me any or everything Casey” he said quietly.

“We met at NYU, he was a second year Science major and I was still contemplating if I should go pre med or stick with nursing. He was socially awkward but seemed nice enough. We started dating. Things seemed great until they weren’t. At this point I did not know my PCOS, so I was irregular but there was a maximum at that point that I never exceeded until I did. I was scared. I told him about me being really late and he says we will try and work it out, he comes with me to the appointment and I was not and the doctor runs tests to find out what is happening. He did not show much emotion during the appointment but he was angry after. I became scared as he never had been angry. Anyways I presume it was shock and I let him cool off. Later that day I go to his dorm and I bump into his friend. He takes me to coffee and tells me that Jaiden had told him that he had started to resent me as I was really thinking pre med by now and he could not bear me being more successful than him so he started to stealth me in the hopes of getting me pregnant. This friend was mortified and ceased his friendship. I went and confronted him and he of course denied it but I could not trust him so I ended the relationship…” Casey took a sip of water whilst Ethan sat there mortified at what had happened. Finally he spoke but all he said was that he was sorry that Casey had to go through that.

My other serious relationship was not much better, he was two years ahead of me at Grossman, he was top 10 but I was top of my cohort, he was looking at residency on the west coast and he got annoyed I would contemplate moving out west with him. By this point I had my heart set on Edenbrook and so I ended it too. He seemed to resent my goals and I could see it going south and being trapped.

“Your second boyfriend is a fool, I don’t think I have words to describe the first one…”

Casey grabs her phone and blocks the number and hugs Ethan.

“I am sorry for not telling you sooner but thank you for not judging me and understanding. Casey felt lighter for having told Ethan. Ethan was sad for Casey but also relieved, especially getting out of the first relationship without being a statistic. They eventually ate the cannoli in the fridge and then take Jenner for a walk. Ethan notes that Casey appears relieved and she says that he was right, she does feel safe with him. She kisses him and whispers “I love you.” He hugs her, “I love you too, rookie.” And they make their way home.

Authors note 2: Casey really did not have the best of luck with boyfriends and things could have ended up worse. For those who have read egos, Casey does get physically hurt and Ethan does feel bad as he nearly did change his mind about going to Donahue’s that night but Casey reminds him he can not be there 24/7 and asked him not to feel bad if someone hurts her in any way. Ethan will always try and not be the one causing the hurt though. She does not hear from Jaiden again and Casey has not spoken to Paul (second boyfriend) since they broke up.

Tagging: @jerzwriter @jamespotterthefirst @genevievemd @potionsprefect @liaromancewriter @ofmischiefandmedicine @binny1985 @schnitzelbutterfingers @tessa-liam @a-crepusculo @bex-la-get @crazy-loca-blog @lucy-268

@openheartfanfics @choicesficwriterscreations

[bebepac]

Six Sentence Sunday 05.01.22 / Mood Music Monday

Sorry I haven’t been around or on as much because this past week had been incredibly emotionally rough for me.  All of you guys know, I took the passing of my OG Riley face claim Cheslie Kryst really hard,  well this past week was her birthday, and her family did a balloon release in her honor on her birthday on April 28th.  I unfortunately could not go, so I decided to do my own on Saturday.  I picked a lake where I grew up and frequented a lot as a child and teen, I read a letter I had been writing for her since her passing in January and released her balloons.  I feel like I needed to do something for her, and have a special moment on my own terms.   As you can see, I picked balloons as bright as her personality and her wardrobe were.  

Here’s what I’ve written in the past week or so:

The Rotten Apple 🍎:  Fall From Grace

The Rotten Apple 🍎:  The Apple 🍏

Original Post 05/01/22 at 6:04PM EST.

Mood Music Monday Submission / Wacky Drabbles Submission

Last Call (Farewell Wacky Drabbles)  Series:  Pop’s Place The Book:  TRR (no royals)  Pairings:  Mia x Jaiden  (Mia/ TRR MC x M!OC) past pairings of Mia x Liam /  and Mia x Drake Status: Still in the writing process Song Inspiration:  Closing Time by Semisonic

So many things happened, but this was the best summer of my life. I think that I came out of my shell a little bit. Who am I kidding a lot more than I thought I ever would. I had three guys chasing me this summer! And I always felt like I was not the type of girl that would have that, but a  month before summer vacation was over, my heart landed with the soft spoken, and kind Jaiden Brooks.

His eyes met mine as he cleared one of the tables for me.  I smiled at him and he smiled back, 

mouthing the words "I love you."

I blew him a kiss saying it back to him with ease, which that part was so new for me. I was in love, and he loved me back!  Focus Mia!!! I was in the process of taking the order of the customer in front of me.

The older woman sitting down, seeing my attention wavering, glanced back at Jai.

"Young love. You two are adorable."

“Thank you.”  

“Should I repeat my order?”

I smiled.  “Yes please.”  

This time I paid close attention.

I know I said this was the best summer of my life, but on the flip, it was also the worst. My Pops, the owner of the restaurant where all my family works in some capacity or another, had a heart attack, taking him out on an extended medical leave.

Who knew it was going to be three teenagers: Me, in charge of the floor, Liam now promoted to head cook, and Jaiden helping to run the restaurant the last part of summer.  And somehow we didn't run the place into the ground on shortened hours during the week and no weekend hours, but we were making more money than we had been.  Our community had taken care of us when we really needed it and Pop's Place had brought us all together that summer.  

Liam had learned me and Pop's shorthand language and we all had fallen into a groove together.  Even the hostility between Jaiden and Liam had lessened.

Oh right, I didn't tell you. If you didn't know Liam and I not exactly dated, but had some flirtation going on and one nearly naked situation.

And we can’t forget Drake Walker….. Let’s just say I was living my best life this summer.

"Hey guys I want you to try something, I want to take it to Pops as a new menu item, maybe seasonal dish or something.  Take a break for a minute and sit down, I really need your opinion.”

Possibly a second Wacky Drabbles Submission?

Part 6: The Conclusion The Book: TRR Series: A Piece of Heaven on Earth Pairing:  Liam x Riley /  Riley x Nico (Riley x M!OC) Status: Still in the writing process.  

Liam came back a few minutes later with bottled water for Riley.

“It’s no Tahitian Treat, but it will get the job done.”  

“That’s my favorite drink. How did we know each other Liam?”  

He immediately remembered how Riley's Mother reacted to the news. He couldn't have that happen again or Riley be afraid of him.

He heard Olivia's voice tell him to be patient.

“Our paths just randomly crossed.  Do you mind if I walk you back home just to make sure you make it there safely?”  

“I’m fine with that.”  

As they walked  he noticed Riley was walking slower.

"Are your feet hurting?"

"If I said yes, would you carry me?"

"Yes, I would." Liam responded without missing a beat.

Riley surprisingly looked at him; she was blushing.

"Good to know chivalry isn't dead."

"If you've ever been wondering of its existence Riley, that means you're with the wrong man."

Riley turned to face him.

“You’re with the wrong man.”  Liam said again.

Riley's eyes widened, and her breath hitched as she stared at him.

Wake up Riley and see me he thought to himself, I know you can feel it too. For a brief moment he saw a spark in her eyes, and it faded as quickly as it appeared.  She broke his intense gaze, motioning to the house.

"Well this is us.  Thank you Liam for the water,  and walking my dog for me."

"I didn’t mind at all. He's a great dog."

Taylor opened the door and when she saw Liam standing on the porch with Riley, she abruptly slammed it back.

“Well that was my sister.”  

Riley went to the door turning the doorknob.  While Riley's back was turned Liam smiled.

"Okay….and she locked the door. You want to sit on the porch with me until I'm allowed back in? It’s a nice morning, and we have a kick ass porch swing here."

“Sure.”  

Instead of Chance coming to her, he sat at Liam's feet.

"Chance seems really taken by you. Did we hang out with you a lot?"

"No. I only met Chance once. Not trying to boast, but dogs are a good judge of people’s characters.  So it should tell you a lot if a dog doesn’t like someone you’re around."

“That’s right! Preach Brotha!!!” Taylor screamed from inside the house.

[onestepfcrward]

headcanon dump, featuring the topic of therapy & mental health.

at the start, shadow was actually very adverse to the idea. he disliked the thought of opening himself up and letting a complete stranger know about all the horrible things he’s been through, his messy, heavy feelings and dark thoughts. that means making himself vulnerable, what if they try to hurt him or use this information against him? what if its pointless and won’t actually help him? he views his existence as unique to most individuals, and it’s not easy for just anyone to relate to him and what he has to endure. 

the reason he started going mainly has to deal with a realization he had one day. he needed to change. he needed to be able to stand on his own, because one day he’s going to have to. the people in his life now aren’t always going to be around, and one day he’ll have to face the music of humanity’s hubris again all on his own. there are always going to be people who fear him, want to control him and use his power for their own selfish reasons. shadow needs to be able to combat this and remain mentally sound enough to not cave into his strife and despair. he needs to be able to ground himself, because there won’t always be people there to help him.

but besides that... he wants to help people too. he understands that in order to become a licensed therapist and mental health advisor, he has to be able to work through his own trauma. helping others... brings him peace of mind. knowing that he can do good things, and make a positive difference in the lives of others and bring hope to people --- what he was CREATED to do --- is what keeps his own head above water. ( this segment of a video jaiden animations did really captures the exact emotional struggle i interpret for shadow and the ‘if you can’t help yourself, help others’ mentality he’s adapted. TW for body image, eating disorder, depression, & flashing images if you decide to view the whole thing.)

so? he sucked up his pride started going to therapy. it wasn’t an easy start, either - especially because he didn’t start seeing results for this commitment until at least a year and a half into his bi-weekly appointments, and that made staying committed to this a lot harder. for a good while shadow felt like he was just wasting his time, or felt frustrated with the idea of committing to coping methods he otherwise didn’t have before - in the past his trauma responses has always been fight & freeze and it’s not easy to break yourself out of those subconscious habits. but! shadow was also intrigued by what he was learning too. in a way, it sort of reminded him of the classes he’d take back on the space colony. he was learning about the brain and the different ways it responds to trauma, all things he never actually KNEW about before and just having that information alone made this task feel less... daunting. so he kept going.

eventually, he started seeing results. it’s important to note that therapy is not a be-all-end-all cure for mental illness, which was originally the expectation shadow had when he first started going. he had to accept that even though he’s going, it’s not going to solve every problem he has and some things (such as the trauma of immortality, or of the inability to trust people, or being himself HDFJKS) are going to remain there forever. but at the very least, shadow could learn to treat the problems that could be treated, and that alone gave him a sense of hope. it made him... feel better about himself, gave him more confidence that this is worth it.

i like to think shadow has a fairly good relationship with his therapist. it took some time for him to find the right one, which is very important when it comes to this type of thing. he was able to find one he felt comfortable enough opening up to. he’s still wary, but the legal contract for complete confidentiality helps him feel a little better about sharing this information. for the most part, anyway.

shadow still has his bad days, weeks, and months. sometimes, he stops going for a while. for the first year there were a few periods where he couldnt be bothered to go and tried to come up with excuses for why he couldn’t make it and sometimes he just goes completely radio silent. thankfully, his therapist is patient with him and eventually when he’s feeling ready again, he’ll get back into contact and they will resume where they left off before. sometimes, shadow will fill them in on what happened while he was MIA, but other times he doesn’t bring it up.

SINCE going to therapy, shadow has made some good strides in his mental health. there are more days where he feels less weighed down by his negative & dark intrusive thoughts. there’s less anger and strife, which makes thinking a lot clearer, and the days a bit brighter. he’s even started taking the liberty to revisit his past and allow himself to truly grieve, since i interpret his moment of ‘i’m putting this behind me and moving on’ more-so as a ‘this has all been so painful and exhausting to endure, i need to put it behind me so it can’t hurt me anymore’ --- but he never actually had the time to mourn and process his trauma. so he’s started undergoing that process, despite it being a difficult one. shadow is... doing better. he can’t say he’s okay yet, but he’s here. he’s making progress. he’s getting there. and that is worth something to him.

[hotchocolatewriting]

Ice and fear #7

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6

This is an OC based series from me. I wrote this a long time ago and even though I did some edits it might not be the best (tbh i have no idea). These OC’s are some of my precious beans so I hope you still like them. For the people that asked for more, here is part 7!  TW: blood and killing mention

The agents pushed Jaiden into his new cell. A empty square room with grey walls and chains hanging at the opposite side of a thick metal door. Someone pushed again, causing Jaiden to stumble and fall on the ground, scrapping his knees that quickly started to bleed. Jaiden didn’t care. It was to be expected after all. The officer walked towards him. Jaiden got back on hands and knees, trying to get up, when the officer took his wrists and dragged him towards the shackles that were hanging on the wall. Jaiden turned around to sit, leaning with his back against the wall as a quiet sign of surrender, not wanting the man in front of him to do the one thing he hated so much. Still, the officer took his wrists and chained them above his head. Jaiden took a deep breath, trying not to freak out and keep his mask on. He managed to do so, but couldn’t help feeling trapped and starting to shake a little. He didn’t like to be chained, too many memories. “Not taking my mask? Scared who you will see?” Jaiden teased, trying to get the officer to look him in the eyes instead of his hands that only started to shake more. He hated this. He hated every part of it. “That will have to wait. The boss wants to do that himself.” “And who might that be?” Jaiden asked, but he didn’t get an answer. The officer slammed the door shut and Jaiden tried to get more comfortable on the stone ground. His white hair fell in front of his eyes and he shook his head to try and get it away. It didn’t take that long to fall back. Jaiden growled annoyed, knowing that he couldn’t freeze himself out of this now without people chaining him even worse. Instead he froze the whole cell, letting the temperature drop drastically. The cold was comfortable, something that he knew and could control. It made him feel better to see the floor covered in white snow and the walls covered in ice. Jaiden looked around one more time and decided to close his eyes. What else could he do? ------ Noah watched the news. It had been a few days since Jaiden wounded him and the wound had healed for the most part by now. Jaiden hadn’t come by ever since, keeping his distance since Noah got angry with him. The rest wasn’t unwelcome, but it felt weird knowing that Jaiden had listened to him for once. Noah knew that he said some horrible things to him that he didn’t fully mean, but at the same time he felt nothing for saying sorry about it. Jaiden had hurt him so many times. He had every right to be angry about it. Oliver sat beside him, without saying anything. Both of them enjoying their food as they watched. Noah knew that Oliver and Jaiden had a talk on the roof, but he hadn’t asked about anything, didn’t want to hear Jaiden’s excuses through his friend’s mouth. Jaiden was the one in the wrong here, but still Noah knew he hadn’t been really fair on him either. Jaiden had warned him, but that didn’t mean that he had to shoot a sharp ice spike at his side. Suddenly a picture of Jaiden appeared on the screen, grabbing Noah’s attention. “A few days ago, the government arrested the supervillain who is known as Iceheart. The villain who murdered many people and is famous because of his powers was sitting on the rooftop when someone spotted him. Iceheart was taken without any resistance. Still because of his past crimes and known hostility, the government decided to take his powers away. Iceheart was seen as one of the most dangerous criminals among us.” The reporter continued her story switching over to some interviews with victums and people that had been there during the arrest. Noah and Oliver looked at each other, surprise written all over their face. Suddenly Oliver frowned as he looked back at the television in front of him. “Noah? Jaiden only has ice powers, right?” he asked. “Yeah, you saw that, why?” Oliver quickly got to his feet, almost throwing the bowl that had been resting on his lap on the ground. “We have to go, it will kill him!” ---- Jaiden woke up from someone pulling at his necklace. He opened his eyes and shook his head to get the sleep away. “What are you doing?” Jaiden asked. Still not knowing what was really happening until he felt the cord go over his head. “Hey! That’s mine!” The man startled at Jaiden’s reaction. Jaiden pulled at the chains. “Give it back!” The man started to run towards the door, but Jaiden acted quick and froze the man’s feet to the floor as he tried to free his arms. “Give my necklace back!” He froze his chains and pulled as hard as he could, trying to break the metal that was now covered in something he could easily break and control. “I can’t give it back, it could be used as a weapon. Besides, prisoners are not allowed to have necklaces.” Jaiden managed to get one of his hands free and rushed towards the agent to get his precious necklace back. But the other chain was still around his arm and forced him to a stop. The man got out of the ice and walked out of the cell, leaving Jaiden screaming behind him as the door was slammed shut again. “Give my necklace back!” he screamed. The cell got only colder and Jaiden even froze the door to the point where it couldn’t be opened again until it melted. He screamed and pulled against his chains. The cell started to fill with some kind of gas. Jaiden got tired and sat down against the wall again. “Damn you.. I only wanted.. my.. neck.. lace.”

[axwalker]

Happy Birthday, Maskaneko! A Tears in Heaven one-shot.

The beautiful edit in the moodboard was made by the talented, creative  birthday girl @mskaneko​  💕💕💕

Happy birthday again!!! As I said earlier, I’m so grateful to have you in my life. I hope you’ll spend an amazing day.

I love youuu ❤️❤️❤️ @mskaneko​

You said you’d be happy with a peek into Drake and Lexie’s life in Tears in Heaven.  So here it is. I hope you’ll enjoy it. 🎉🎉🎉

Warnings: Mention of the death of a child, grief. Language and smut. 

It’s been a tough year. Lexie and I have been working hard, and between our demanding jobs and Lennie, we’re exhausted. It’s a miracle we were both able to clear our schedules for a few days to come to Corsica to Max’s and Rashad’s house for a short vacation. We need this much more than we’re able to admit. I miss my time with Lexie. I need more of her. If there is one thing I can admit to myself, it’s that. That there is nothing more fundamental, more important to my happiness, than my wife and my little girl. 

A roar of laughter interrupts my thoughts. I look through the window, and I can’t help but smile at the sight down by the shore. Jaiden is chasing Lena to the edge of the ocean, and every time the water splashes up on her little legs, she squeals and runs back, her face animated with some mix of terror and delight. 

A throaty laugh harmonizes with my squirt’s high-pitched giggles, and Lexie walks into view. Her dark hair is scooped up into a messy bun, and she’s all long, sun-kissed legs and rounded baby-belly in her orange bikini. It will never get old, how my heart thumps a little harder when I see her. Desperate to get to her. I leave the home office and walk barefoot and bare-chested over to the windows and sliding door. Lexie and I wasted too many years and made too many mistakes before we came together again. We both had a lot of growing up to do, a lot of pain to overcome but seeing her with our little girl and Maxwell’s boy chasing the waves, seeing her pregnant again, this good life was worth all the patience in the world. She is worth the wait. I press my palm to the cool glass and let years of memories wash over me, all the painful years spent apart. Being with my family always provides perspective. I might feel exhausted sometimes, but my heart, my life is whole. The axis of my existence it’s those two people down there playing in the ocean like they don’t have a care in the world. Seeing that lifts my burdens, too. And it reminds me that we can’t let life interfere with our lives as a family. Work can’t take so much room in our lives, is not who we are. 

After turning my laptop off, I cross over to the sliding door, slipping out and not bothering with anything other than the blue shorts I’m already wearing. Lexie is laughing as Lena tries to lift Jaiden and they both collapse into the water. I walk toward them, silent until I’m close, and then run past Lexie, playfully slapping her ass. She squeaks, jumping a little, her face lighting up when she sees me. 

“Where’d you come from?” She laughs. I back my way into the cool waves and wink at her as an answer before turning to scoop up both Lena and Jai, one under each arm. “Daddy!” my girl screams in her sweet voice. I keep running until the ocean stirs around my waist and dunk them both to the neck, making sure to keep their heads out of the water. Their giggles and squeaks occupy the next five minutes of what suddenly feels like a perfect day. 

“Uncle Dake,” Jai says. “Put me up on your shoulders.” Lexie takes Helena so I can lift Jaiden. The heels of his little feet kick against my chest, and he squeezes my neck as we go deeper into the water. 

“I can swim, Mom,” Lena says from behind us. “Put me down.” 

Lena’s five, and while she still likes me to toss her around, she doesn’t tolerate it from her smaller mother all that much. I’m not crazy about it either, considering Lexie’s six months pregnant. 

“It’s deeper than you think, Lennie,” Lexie says. “I don’t think it is a good idea.”

Alexis and I went back to therapy when Helena turned three. Slowly, almost without noticing it, we were turning into overprotective, smothering parents. Lexie refused to go anywhere without her, and she’d have horrible panic attacks when her work forced her to travel. Therapy certainly helped a lot, but as much as I would love to say that it was like turning on a switch, that we don’t suffocate Lena anymore, it would be a lie. We would never be those two carefree parents we were ten years ago. But we’re trying; we both want our kids to have the best possible life. 

After begging a little more, Lexie gives in, and sure enough, in seconds, Lennie is swimming past me, her skinny arms and legs slicing through the waves, her hair in two small braids. 

“Baby, that’s fair enough,” I call out. The ocean isn’t turbulent today, but I don’t want to take any chances. It can change fast. Calm one second and treacherous the next. Lena turns, doggy paddling to stay afloat, her cute face wet and frowning. 

“But, Daddy—” 

“Do I repeat myself, Lena?” She frowns the brown eyes so like Lexie’s widening. She shakes her head. 

“No, sir.” 

“Then that’s far enough.” I gentle my words with a smile, take the few steps separating us and tap her head with Jaiden’s foot. She giggles and swims a circle around me, disappearing for a second underwater and then popping back up, laughing again.  

“I need to learn that trick,” Lexie says wryly. “I tried last week, asked her if I repeat myself, and she just stared at me and said, ‘What’d you say, Mommy?’”

 I can’t help it, I laugh, and Lexie glares at me. 

“You know she loves pressing your buttons. Every time she finds a new one, she just has to push.” 

“Looking forward to her teenage years.” I pull her close, anchoring Jaiden by one leg and looping an arm around her, cupping her stomach. 

“If she’s as sassy as you, baby. I’m not looking forward to them either.” Lexie leans her head on my shoulder, covering my hand with hers on her stomach. There’s a subtle movement beneath my fingers. 

“Lexie,” I breathe. “Did you feel that? They’re moving.” Of course, she felt it. It’s her body, but she just laughs. It’s not the first time the twins have moved, but I always seem to miss it, so it’s the first time I’ve felt the life growing inside Lexie for myself. 

“One of them is moving.” She guides my hand to the other side of her stomach. “This guy has been quiet all day.” 

“Guy?” I raise one questioning brow. “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t find out. You got some divination powers I know nothing about?” 

She shrugs. “I just have a feeling they’re both guys. God save me. Lennie and I will be outnumbered.” 

I chuckle “You hear that, Lennie? Your mom says we’re getting two boys. What do you think?” 

“I want sisters! Boys are yucky.” Jaiden jumps to the water, and they start a water war. 

“You heard the girl,” I tell Lexie. “Boys are yucky. I sure hope she’ll think like that for a long time.” 

Lexie laughs. “I honestly don’t care.” She grimaces and rubs the small of her back. “I’m so big this time, I just want them out . I’ve already gained as much weight as I had by the end with Lena. I’m huge.” 

I lean over to whisper in her ear. “You’re sexy as hell, Lexie. Always.” 

She turns her head so our mouths are mere inches apart, our lips separated by a single breath. “You think so, huh?” 

“I’ll show you tonight,” I whisper over her mouth. 

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Jaiden chants. We glance down at our godson, and both laugh. 

“You kiss all the time,” Lena mutters from a few feet away. She’s not wrong, but in my defense, her mother is irresistible. 

“Lena, we need to get back inside,” Lexie says. “We’ve been in the water all day, and you need your lunch. I bet Max made the grill sandwiches you love so much. After lunch, we can get ice cream from Amorino.” 

“A few more minutes, Mommy, please? So, Daddy can swim with me?” Lena asks, lips pouty and huge eyes pleading. If she figures out, she has me wrapped around her little finger, we’re doomed. Who am I kidding? The girl was born knowing. “You think you can keep up with me? Okay squirt. Let’s go.” 

After a while, we get out of the water and join the others for lunch in the terrace. Lena claps and rocks her shoulders, some little move she and Jaiden made up. The two are thick as thieves. Jaiden’s at our house as much as Lena is at Rash and Maxwell’s. 

“What’s that you’re drawing, Lennie?” Liv asks. She might not like kids, but she sure is crazy about her goddaughter. 

“It’s us!” Lena grins. 

“Let me see.” I reach for the paper. Lexie walks up beside me and looks down at the drawing in my hand. It’s a man-stick figure with which I assume is a stethoscope around his neck, obviously me. A shorter woman-stick she’s colored caramel and who has brown lines drawn around her shoulders for hair. Jaiden made Lexie’s stomach a circle and there’s two orange round things inside. 

“Grapefruit,” Lennie says. “Mommy said the babies are like grapefruits now.” 

“Ahhhh.” Lexie purses her lips against a smile. “You got them perfectly, baby.” 

In her drawing, she is standing between Lexie and me, holding our hands. I tilt my head, staring at what Lena’s holding in the drawing. A white bird?

“What’s that white thing your holding, squirt?” 

“It’s Tom!” She says, her smile wide and proud. “He’s an angel, like mommy said.” Tom’s name, said so unexpectedly, causes the adults on the terrace to hold their breaths collectively. Lexie goes perfectly still beside me, and her hand goes instinctively to her stomach. That old fear lives in the back of both our minds. As much as losing Tom still hurts, we talk openly about him to our daughter, making sure she knows she has a big brother looking out for her all the time, even though she never met him. 

“You can have it, Mommy,” Lena offers, her beautiful smile slipping, his childish intuition sharp enough to pick up on the shift of mood in the terrace. “I-I drew it for you, so we can put it in the twins’ nursery.”

 “It’s so good, Lennie. That’s a great idea,” I say, glancing at Lexie, who stares down at the paper. Even though she isn’t crying, her eyes have that look of shattered glass she sometimes gets when she thinks of Tom. Unfortunately, therapy doesn’t eradicate pain. Not for the first time, I wish I could carry it for her, but I can’t.

“This is your most beautiful drawing yet, Lennie,” Lexie says after clearing her voice, reaching down to caress the angel on it. “I love it very, very much. It will look perfect in their room.” She bends to kiss her hair, closes her eyes tightly and then cups Helena’s little head and kisses her forehead, too. She clears her throat and pulls back to spread an overbright smile and says, “Who’s ready for ice cream?” 

 ALEXIS

 Accident. That’s how everybody described what happened to my baby boy. An accident. It does hurt less than it used to. At first, I couldn’t think about Tom without aching and falling into a black hole. Five horrible years, where I needed to numb myself or ignore my pain to keep breathing. An empty shell that had trouble breathing. I would cringe at the sound of Tom’s name, incapable of pronouncing it myself. Not because I didn’t want to hear it, but because I wanted to hold him so badly. It’s been years, but my body perfectly recalls the sweet little weight of him in my arms. His scent still fills my nostrils if I draw a deep enough breath. I remember the dark tangle of curls brushing against my cheek. His little voice calling me mommy. Some days my head and thoughts are locked in a room with those last memories, and I don’t want to leave because he’s still there. As difficult as that day was, in that memory, he’s still there. But life goes on. It has moved on, and I’m a baby two and three. I’m years into a marriage full of love I spent five years thinking wasn’t even possible. 

“You okay?” I glance up from the table, from Lenna’s drawing, which I’ve found myself thinking about all day, to see Liv, wearing concern on her intense green eyes. The terrace is clear of dishes from tonight’s meal, and everyone’s gone to their respective corners. It’s just Livvie and me. 

“I’m fine.” The concern on her face stays. “I swear; I’m fine,” I say. “Just thinking. Remembering.” 

“Anything you want to talk about?” Her voice is unusually soft. Her gaze, as usual, is knowing. 

“I’m all talked out. A lifetime of expensive therapy will do that to a girl. I guess I’m feeling more than thinking, but I’m good.” 

“Okay. I’m here if you need me.” 

“I know Liv. I don’t know how I would have done otherwise.” 

“I think I will go join Maxwell for a nightcap”  

“Now you’re talking.” I sigh and stand from the table, squeeze her hand. “I’m going to turn in. Take a quick bath since Drake is putting Lena to bed.” 

“Alright. I’ll see you in the morning.” She gives me a wry grin. “I may even cook breakfast.” 

I deadpan, and Liv chuckles. “Did I say cook? I meant order.”

I laugh. “That’s more like it. Good night, Liv,” I say, grabbing Lena’s drawing.

After just a few minutes in the bathtub, I dry off and belt a terry cloth robe over my nakedness, smiling when both babies move. “Hello, boys.” I don’t care what Drake says, I know what I feel. “I’d love for Daddy to feel both of you move. Can we make a deal that you’ll let him feel you both at some point?” 

“Daddy would love that, too,” Drake says from the doorway. Leaning one shoulder into the door and wearing a white shirt, sleeves-rolled-up, he looks so attractive, my husband. His face grows more handsome the older he gets. He has that strong virility that somehow converts years into sexual magnetism. I walk over and reach up to caress his jaw, shadowed with stubble. 

“You have a little gray in your beard, Mr. Walker.” I close the space between us and tip my toes to kiss him. 

He grunts, closing his eyes and leaning into me, his hardness pressing into my belly. I want him so badly. The restlessness I’ve felt most of the day needs an outlet, and I know the best, most pleasurable way to get it.

 “Lie down,” he says, leading me to the bed. My hand goes to the belt of my robe, but he stops me. “I want to unwrap you myself,” he says.

 I lie on my back, and he hovers over me, connecting our eyes. I see desire there, yes, but concern, too. 

“Drake, I’m okay,” I tell him, grabbing his hand and kissing it. 

“You sure?” His dark brows form a frown. “The drawing—” 

“It took me off guard.” I pull his hand into the neck of my robe, passing his palm over my nipple until it buds beneath his fingers. “But now I want you.”

 He hesitates, searching my face and eyes before nodding. Our eyes meet, and beneath the desire filling his stare, a question lingers. 

“Drake.” I place his hand on my stomach. “I’m fine.” 

He bends to kiss my stomach, the underside of my breast. That restlessness needs attention, try to disturb my desire, but before I can allow myself to be distracted, the lights in the bedroom dim and my husband’s hands are on me. Drake opens the robe as if it’s a gift.

“Fuck baby, you’re so gorgeous.” 

He lies down to spoon me, brushes my hair aside, and kisses my nape. 

“You okay?” he asks. I know Drake well enough to hear the restraint he’s exercising. The restlessness caught him too, and in days like this, he needs wild, unbridled fucking, but he doesn’t want to hurt the twins or me. As many times as I reassure him, it’s hard for him to believe it’s okay to be as rough with me as we love sometimes. 

“Drake, please, fuck me hard. I need it as much as you do.” 

“Lexie,” he rasps, dropping his forehead against my hair. “Don’t ask. . .I can’t. . .the way I feel right now . . . I wish you knew what you do to me.” 

“Show me.” 

And he does; he takes me hard and rough. He fucks me into oblivion, until there’s nothing else but him and me. I’ve needed this desperately, craved the feeling that comes when we make love, when we’re like this, when we have this together, when he’s inside me. 

“Fuck, Lex,” he growls. “I love you.” 

Tears fill my eyes. The tears I wouldn’t allow myself earlier because Tom was years ago and I should be over it. I could hide that from myself, but I can’t hide anything from him. The tears run down my face, and they aren’t all grief or sorrow. They’re tears of gratitude for my little squirt sleeping down the hall. Tears of hope for the twins growing inside of me. Tears of happiness for the love of a man like Drake. 

“God, Drake,” I sob. “I love you, I love you.” 

Hours later, we lay together side to side, exhausted. All my restlessness gone, forgotten.

“Wow,” he says.

“Wow, I repeat. You have a magical dick.” 

We both laugh at that, and he tickles me, making me wriggle in his arms. Suddenly, we both go still, feeling the movement in my belly at the same time. Like tiny synchronized swimmers, one of my boys moves on my left and the other on the right. 

“Shit.” Drake’s gaze meets mine. “Both of them are moving. That’s. . .that’s amazing, Lex.” 

“It is. I wanted you to feel that so badly. I feel them do that all the time, but I wanted . . . I’m so happy . . .” I stop, emotionally exhausted. 

“Our life,” I say suddenly, toying with the hair on his chest.

 “What about it?” he asks, kissing the top of my head. 

I reach up to touch the flecks of gray in his stubble. “I’m so glad we met when we were young. That we will grow old together. That I’ll have a life with you. Despite all the years we spent apart. We lost so much, but now we have this life, our marriage, our kids.” 

He tenderly rubs my belly. “These kids, all worth the wait. And no matter what comes, we’ll face it together.” I turn around, he pulls me tightly against his chest, and we fall asleep together.  

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Twenty-Two

guess who's back! Back again! I am back! With a new chapter friends! *please check the tags for an important new tw about this chapter*

read on ao3

Words: 10.3k 

Summary: Dan and Phil get closer to their truth.

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, allusions to past abuse/neglect, mild (very mild) smut at the end

After hours of testing and far too many people poking and prodding at their son, the hospital finally releases Jaiden, with a prescription to be filled for a brand new inhaler. Dan’s beyond nervous about this new development, but he saves his breakdown until they get home, where he hopes he can cry in the shower in peace.

Everyone is exhausted and starved by the time they finally make it inside the flat, Phil carrying Jaiden’s tired self inside and taking him straight to the lounge. Luckily, Phil had the foresight to order burgers on the way home, and Dan takes a moment to be relieved that he won’t have to cook. Still, the only thing keeping him from going straight to bed, besides the fact that it’s only about six in the evening, is the nervous energy thrumming in his veins. He tries not to hover around Jaiden too much, knowing it makes him nervous as well, but he almost can’t help it.

This results in Phil all but dragging him into the kitchen, asking the kids to pick out a film while they talk. As soon as they’re in the kitchen, and safe from wandering eyes and little ears, Dan allows a shallow sob to escape him. “Oh, bear,” Phil whispers, his voice dripping in something soft and affectionate. He doesn’t hesitate before pulling Dan into a hug, wrapping his arms around his waist and squeezing, his hands bunching up Dan’s sweater at his hips.

Dan loops his arms around Phil’s shoulders, hiding his face against the pale neck, just a breath away. He tries to control his crying to something quieter, but his body is shaking with it, as Phil tries desperately to quiet him, stroking a hand over his hair in long sweeps. “I was so scared,” Dan gasps through the tears.

“I know,” Phil whispers, his lips brushing against Dan’s ear. Dan can’t repress the shiver the feeling causes. “But Jaiden’s fine. He’s okay, Dan. You did so well, getting him to A&E and everything. I’m so proud of you.” Somewhere in the words of encouragement and comfort, Phil starts pressing kisses to Dan’s jaw, and Dan feels the tingling heat left behind from every brush of his lips. He hates himself for how affected he is by something so stupid.

“If something had happened to him...” Dan starts, shivering at the thought as his stomach lurches with nausea.

Phil tugs his hair gently, pulling Dan’s face away to force steely eye contact. “It didn’t,” he says, his voice quiet but firm. “You got him there in time, and now we know what to do if it happens again. Don’t try to blame yourself for this, Dan.”

“But if-“

Phil shakes his head, cutting him off immediately. “No. You- you’re such a good dad, Dan. Seriously. The way you take care of them, the way you’d do anything for them...” he shakes his head again, something like mystified admiration swirling in the flecks of green in his eyes. “It’s one of the many things I love about you, okay? So just... don’t. You did the best thing for him, and you saved his life.”

Dan’s quiet for a long moment, slowly moving to rest his head back on Phil’s shoulder, pressing his damp face against Phil’s throat. “Okay,” he finally whispers. He presses a fleeting kiss to Phil’s neck, leaving his lips there to feel the way Phil swallows hard.

He’s just about to say something else, his stomach swirling with anxiety about the conversation he knows they need to have, but he’s interrupted by the melodic sound of the doorbell going.

Phil slowly extracts himself from Dan’s arms. “I’ll get it,” he offers, pressing a brief kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth. “How about you go back to the lounge and make sure the kids picked a good film? I’ll bring the food and drinks up.”

Dan shakes his head, gesturing to the refrigerator. “I’ll get the drinks. I need a moment to... you know, not look like a crying mess,” he says through a wet laugh.

There’s something briefly sad that flickers in Phil’s gaze, and then he’s nodding, brushing a curl out of Dan’s face. “Alright. See you upstairs?”

Dan nods, giving him a small half-smile. Phil gives him a searching look before he finally leaves, headed to retrieve their food from the delivery man. After taking a moment to wipe his eyes and collect himself, Dan heads to the cupboard and grabs five cups, deciding it’s easier to carry them up empty and pour the drinks in when they get settled. Phil beats him to the lounge, and upon climbing the last step, Dan finds him distributing food to each of the kids. Dan pauses to watch the way Phil crouches down to cut Mia’s burger into pieces like she likes it, without her even asking. It warms Dan’s heart to see the way Phil acts with them, and he doesn’t know if that feeling will ever truly fade.

“Ribena okay with everyone?” Dan asks, finally stepping into the room. He’s got the stack of cups tucked into the crook of his elbow, the bottle of Ribena in one hand and the water pitcher in the other.

The kids chorus their agreements, and Dan quirks an eyebrow at Phil as he steps closer to the sofa. “Can you-“ he says, nodding at the glasses in his arm.

“Oh-“ Phil says, jumping to action. He takes the cups, and then the water pitcher, unstacking the cups so Dan can begin pouring.

“What’re we watching, guys?” Dan asks, glancing across the coffee table at the twins, who are sat in the floor, devouring their dinner.

“Kung Fu Panda,” Amelia answers around a bite of hamburger.

Dan’s nose crinkles but he doesn’t correct this behavior, just this once. Phil shoots him a knowing grin, and Dan pretends he doesn’t catch it. They finish pouring the right ratio of Ribena to water, and luckily Dan remembered to grab a long spoon to give them a quick stir. The children are mostly quiet as they eat, already focused on the film, so Dan and Phil quietly retreat to their sofa with their food, falling into a comfortable place beside each other as they eat.

They watch the film with little to no conversation, which Dan easily attributes to the long, exhausting day they’ve had. He can’t even consider staying up past the end of the film, and by the time everyone’s finished eating, there’s more than half an hour left. Dan stacks all the takeaway boxes for an easier disposal, then shifts to sit back on the sofa to wait out the rest of the film. Phil holds his arm out invitingly beside him, and Dan barely sends him a thankful glance before he leans into that comforting warmth.

Phil’s hand rests on his shoulder, his fingers scratching at the material of his jumper absently. Dan sighs. “Okay?” Phil breathes.

“Mhm. Exhausted,” Dan replies.

Phil makes a sympathetic little noise, much like he would to an animal, and Dan feels a fuzzy warmth flood his chest. “Nap for a bit, love. Everything’s fine. I’ll wake you when the film’s over.”

Dan nearly groans with relief at the very idea. “God, you’re actually my favorite human on earth, you know that?” He mumbles, getting comfortable, burrowing in against Phil’s chest, which does a little earthquake against Dan’s cheek.

“I’ll remind you that the next time I borrow some of your cereal,” Phil says, his voice full of quiet amusement.

Dan blinks an eye open at him. “It’s not borrowing if you can’t give it back,” he grouches. He’s not actually ill about it. He never could be, really.

Phil’s lip twitches. “I could regurgitate it to you like a baby bird.” Dan gags, and Phil laughs again.

Before Dan can even begin unpacking that, they’re interrupted by a tiny voice approaching them. It’s probably comical how they both look up at the same time, smiling at their child, who mirrors the expression.

“Can I come cuddle with you guys?” Jaiden asks, holding his latest stuffed dinosaur under his arm.

Dan nods, tugging on the blanket he and Phil’d draped over their laps earlier. “Of course, bubby. Come here.”

Jaiden crawls under the blanket, ending up pressed sort of half-between them, sitting mostly atop Dan’s thighs, with his back leaned against Phil’s chest. Dan bites his tongue on a laugh, sharing a look with Phil, who rolls his eyes. “You comfy, Jai?” Phil asks, rubbing a hand over his frizzy hair.

Nodding, Jaiden snuggles against his chest, digging his feet into one of Dan’s thighs to get situated. Dan winces, his leg twitching automatically. Of course this doesn’t go unnoticed to Phil, who gives him a little smile before gently adjusting Jaiden’s little body on his lap. “Here, bub, move your legs, you’re hurting Daddy.”

“Sorry,” Jaiden mumbles to Dan, half-heartedly paying attention to him. He allows himself to be maneuvered until his legs are hanging over Dan’s lap, Phil’s arm holding him up against his chest. Dan looks at the two of them for a minute, his eyes flickering up to meet Phil’s, something warm fizzing in his chest. Phil meets that gaze with a soft wink, and Dan forces himself to look away.

~~~

When the movie finally ends, Dan offers to carry Jaiden to bed while Phil and Levi clean up the mess from dinner. Amelia, surprisingly energetic for what time it is, offers to help clean. Dan’s glad to have a minute alone, carefully taking the stairs to get to the twins’ room. Jaiden is all but dead to the world, limp and heavier than usual in Dan’s arms. Dan wants to laugh or maybe cry with relief that he’s still here, that this was a minor thing that they now have a solution for. His heart aches at the idea that the day could’ve ended very differently.

Somehow he manages to get Jaiden settled into bed, dinosaur plushy tucked against his side, without so much as a stir. Dan probably takes longer than he should tucking him in, taking a moment to just hover his hand above his mouth to feel the warm puffs of breath, ensuring without a doubt that he’s okay.

That how Amelia and Phil find him a few minutes later, and Dan doesn’t even have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. He catches Phil’s gaze for a second, watching the flicker of fondness before looking away. “C’mon, Mia, into bed,” Dan says quietly, moving over to her bed to tuck her in.

She’s quiet as she settles down, allowing Dan to smooth the blankets over her. When he asks which plushy she wants, she points to her lion, and Dan can’t help but glance over at Phil with a smirk. Rolling his eyes, Phil steps close to him, looping an arm around his shoulders and kissing his head. “Do you need anything else, Mia?”

Amelia shakes her head, but immediately holds her arms out for a hug. Of course Dan obliges at once before scooting away to allow Phil to do the same. “Is Jaiden going to be okay?” She whispers, looking over at her brother with something sad in her eyes.

Dan brushes her hair back gently, offering her a smile. “He’ll be okay, yeah. He’s got an inhaler, and now Dad and I know what to do if it happens again.”

She nods, petting the lion’s fur absently. “Can I get a new toy tomorrow? Since Jai got one?”

Dan tries his best to stifle a laugh, looking pointedly at her bed, almost entirely covered with stuffed animals of various shapes and sizes. “Um...” he trails off, looking to Phil for an answer.

The older man chews his lip in thought before giving him a sheepish shrug. “I mean... personally, I’d want a toy too, if I were her.”

Amelia cheers quietly and Dan rolls his eyes at the absolutely ridiculousness of it all. “You’re both spoiled, I think that’s what I’m hearing.”

Phil kisses Dan’s cheek so softly that Dan barely has time to register it before he’s already pulling away. “Maybe,” he agrees with a quiet smile. “But that’s just as much your fault as mine.”

Dan sighs, helpless. “I can’t even argue with you there.”

There’s a squeeze to his shoulder as Phil giggles, and then that hand slides down to pat his shoulder blade. “C’mon, Dan. It’s past our bedtime.”

Amelia makes a thoughtful face. “Aren’t you adults?” When Dan nods, she sighs, staring up at the ceiling. “When I’m an adult, I won’t have a bedtime.” She sounds wistful.

Dan snorts a quiet laugh before patting her arm gently. “Alright, lovebug. Sweet dreams.” With another kiss to her forehead, he stands, making sure that the night lights are switched on before he leads the way out of their room. He feels Phil’s hand slip into his own as they go, and he squeezes it almost unconsciously.

They’re quiet as they dress in their pajamas and go through their regular nightly routine. Dan’s head is buzzing with thoughts that feel too loud in the silence. He’s honestly not sure how Phil can’t hear them with how they scream, even from where he’s at in the bathroom. Dan tugs on a t-shirt, opting out of pajama bottoms in favor of just his usual pants. Phil comes back into their room and plugs his phone up, settling in his side of bed with a little sigh. When he catches Dan looking at him, he smiles. “Are you tired?”

Dan shrugs, then nods. “Yeah.”

Phil nods knowingly. “I want to talk before we go to sleep,” he says, voice apologetic.

Forcing a nod, Dan steps into the bathroom without a word, brushing his teeth methodically and taking his medicine when he’s finished. He feels anxious and fidgety, his fingers tapping out an uneven rhythm against his thigh as he stalls. He doesn’t want to go to bed, where he knows he’ll have to talk to Phil and explain the events of the day, away from little ears. But he can’t just loiter in the bathroom, so finally he forces himself back into the bedroom and straight into bed.

Phil’s sat up, watching Dan climb into bed. It’s not as if they never look at each other but something about Phil’s unwavering gaze crawls under his skin, making him feel hot and something like embarrassed.

Phil doesn’t let him feel it for long.

“Come here,” he whispers, holding his arms out for Dan to snuggle into. Dan goes willingly, his eyes already leaking with tears that he didn’t even know he had left to cry. “Shh, shh. You’re okay. Everything’s fine, love.”

“I...” he hesitates. But he wants to say this, for both of them. “I want to tell you what happened at the park.”

Phil makes a weak noise. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he assures Dan quietly. “I know... I know that was hard for you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Dan shakes his head, leaning away from Phil. He can’t help but feel trapped in his arms, at least for now. “Not just the asthma attack. I, um...” he’s not sure why but he briefly considers sharing the phone call with his mum. That’s absolutely, one hundred percent off limits. At least for now. “I had a conversation with Jaiden, before, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Okay...” Phil says slowly. He seems to realize that this means a lot to Dan, even without knowing what it is. He hesitates before dropping his hand to Dan’s thigh, his thumb stroking gently over the bare skin. “I’m listening,” he says softly.

Dan takes a deep breath, then begins to speak.

~~~

Dan tells him everything. He tells him how his heart hurt when Jaiden said he wished that he was biologically theirs. He tells him his fear of losing these children, of having to give them up to someone else, even if it is a better life. He talks about how his heart stopped when Amelia told him what happened to Jaiden, how fast it started beating when he found Jaiden on the ground, gasping for breath. He tells him how it felt to hear Jaiden cry the entire drive to A&E.

Phil listens intently, and doesn’t interrupt a single time. He strokes a hand over Dan’s thigh, eventually moving on to stroke his hair after gathering Dan up in his arms. When Dan cries, Phil makes soft, comforting noises in the back of his throat, wiping at the wetness pooled beneath Dan’s eyes with gentle fingertips. When Dan is finished speaking, he tucks his face into Phil’s neck, sniffling. Phil is quiet for a long time.

When he speaks, it’s not what Dan’s expecting to hear. “What would you do if they weren’t with us?” Dan makes a confused noise, and Phil clears his throat. “I... like, if they leave. How... how is that going to change our... situation?”

Dan always tries, really tries, not to let the idea of losing their little family get to him. He keeps it as far from the front of his mind as possible, and Phil has to know that by now. But even Dan has the sense to know that things can’t just stay this way forever, not really. So he forces himself to actually think about a life without the kids.

A life where they don’t have three children to feed, to read bedtime stories to, or watch movies with. A life without the sound of little feet thundering upstairs, and without the nightly cuddles Dan has become so very attached to. A life with empty bedrooms, an empty dining table, an empty flat.

A life that Phil will likely no longer feel the need to be a permanent part of, now that he’s experienced it and realizes just how hard it is to be a parent. A life where Phil sleeps in the guest room, and eventually moves out-because of course he actually does want a real family, and a real partner, rather than this game of house Dan’s given him.

A life where Dan has to cope with the idea, alone, that this- this life they have now, is the happiest he’s ever been in his whole life, because he’s sharing it with the man he’s never really fallen out of love with.

And that life mocks him from afar, a creeping spectator from the shadows in the corner, because he’s weak. He’s weak and will probably never have the guts to tell Phil the truth, not really.

So instead of saying any of that, Dan clears his throat, shifting out of Phil’s embrace. “I don’t know,” he whispers hoarsely.

Phil has something devastating in his eyes, something Dan can’t name, but he nods slowly. “Well... maybe we need to start thinking about that.”

Dan’s breath catches and it takes him a moment to speak but when he does, it’s to the sheets, unable to meet Phil’s eyes. “They’re my kids, Phil. In every way that matters, this- you guys are my whole world now. I don’t... I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if they ever get taken away.” The “I don’t know how to live without this, without you,” is unspoken.

Phil kisses his hair. He’s quiet for a while, and finally he sighs. “I know, bear. I feel the same way.”

Dan chews on his lip, thoughtful. “What did you think about what Hazel said earlier?” His heart pounds as he waits for Phil to say something, anything that might make his heart hurt less.

“I think... that we need to think about that some more.” His words are slow, careful. Dan nearly cringes away. Phil continues, unaware. “That’s a very permanent decision, Daniel. And...” Phil’s voice trails off, and Dan swallows a sob.

“I guess we’re not really permanent, are we?” Dan asks, almost bitterly. Not even almost- he’s actually very bitter about it- about all of this. He rolls until he’s laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, gripping at his chest and begging for his heart to stop hurting.

“That’s not what I said,” Phil says softly, something like hurt in his voice. The mattress dips and suddenly a weight is on Dan’s chest and soft black hair is tickling his chin. Phil’s arms wrap around Dan’s waist and Dan takes a deep, steadying breath to calm his emotions. “You’re always going to be my best friend, Dan.” Phil whispers.

Dan can feel tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, but he tries desperately to blink them away as his arms come up to wrap around Phil’s waist. It’s one of the more compromising positions they’ve found themselves in, and as they settle into it, Phil’s thigh slips between Dan’s legs. When they’ve finally settled, Dan’s got a leg wrapped around one of Phil’s, and they’ve somehow both gotten their hands underneath each other’s shirts. It’s nice, Dan decides. “You’re mine too,” Dan says softly, his voice breaking.

Phil kisses his chest, a lingering, gentle thing. “You know why that’s important to me, right?” When Dan makes a humming noise in response, Phil nuzzles into his neck. He places one soft kiss to Dan’s jaw and then sighs. “You’re my favorite person, Dan. And that won’t ever change. But... doing this... adopting the kids, that’s big. That’s, you know...”

“More than you bargained for?” Dan interrupts, his voice irritated.

Phil makes a disagreeing noise. “No, Dan. This could never be anything less than exactly what I want. But we need to be on the same page about what we want. And right now... I don’t know if we are. And I think you should think about that more before we make a decision like this.”

Dan forces himself to steady his breathing. “Okay,” he whispers, his voice small.

The silence in the bedroom presses down on them, and Dan can’t find the words to dig their way out from under it. So instead he lies there, cheek pressed to Phil’s temple, struggling to breathe under the weight of what feels like the end of everything.

~~~

Sunday morning dawns cloudy and grey, like the weather decided to mirror Dan’s mood in whatever way it could. He stares at the ceiling, his heart heavy in his chest as he wonders whether or not today is going to be a bad day. He doesn’t hear steady breathing next to him like he does most mornings, and when his hand makes the journey across the sheets, they’re already chilled. Dan closes his eyes, picturing Phil getting their coffee ready for the morning. The thought very nearly makes him cry.

Determined to be a good parent and a good partner for the day, Dan forces himself out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. He’s so lost in his head that he doesn’t process the sound of the shower turning off, or the fact that the door is almost shut. His brain wakes up a little when he walks into a room full of steam.

He hears a squeak of surprise and his attention is jerked to the side, where Phil is stepping out of the shower. Naked. “Jesus, Dan!” He says with a breathy laugh. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

Dan’s sure his whole face is flushed red. He tries to look elsewhere, but when he sees Phil turn and reach for a towel, his eyes wander. It’s not the first time he’s seen him naked, but it’s the first time he’s seen him naked knowing what he knows about himself now. “I- you weren’t- I didn’t mean to-“ Dan stutters, trying to tear his eyes away from Phil’s perfect ass.

“It’s okay,” Phil says warmly. He finally wraps a towel around his waist, but his lip twitches with something like a smirk. The butterflies in Dan’s stomach are having a riot. “Did you need something?”

Something about the question, the reminder that Dan is intruding on Phil’s personal space, sets Dan’s head back into orbit. “No, um- sorry, I’ll go.”

Just as he’s turning around to do just that, he hears Phil make a small noise. “I don’t mind,” he says quietly.

Dan freezes. “What?” He asks, turning to face him.

Phil avoids his eyes, turning to the mirror to apply his face moisturizer. “I said I don’t mind. Like, it doesn’t bother me for you to be in here with me.”

“While you’re- you were-“ Dan has no idea what words he needs. He’s barely processed the fact that he saw his best friend’s dick, knowing that said best friend is also the person he’s in love with.

Phil looks straight into his eyes and nods. “I know.” He pauses, turning away to pat his hands dry. “You can stay in here, if you want.” It’s almost conversational, how he says it, gesturing for Dan to get on with his morning routine if he wants.

Dan feels like his brain is short-circuiting just a little bit. “I...”

Before he can finish whatever dim-witted sentence he had in store, Phil reaches down, untucking the towel from around his waist. He meets Dan’s gaze in the mirror, for just a second, before he reaches for the clothes that Dan is just noticing sat on the counter.

Dan can’t do it. He’s borderline hyperventilating, and his skin feels so hot he thinks it might melt right off his skeleton. And he can’t do this. It’s an open invitation, one with so many implications, but he can’t. He just can’t.

“I’ll go... um, make coffee,” he stutters out uselessly before scurrying out of the room. He doesn’t wait to see or hear Phil’s reaction.

~~~

Dan’s stirring milk and sugar into a Hello Kitty mug, going through the motions with little awareness of them. He’s completely on autopilot, preparing two cups of coffee like he does most mornings, leaving Phil’s on the table as he goes to stand out on the balcony. He just needs a moment of fresh- well, fresh enough- air to try and process what almost happened in the bathroom.

He’s known for years how attractive Phil is, and realizing he’s been in love with him this whole time has only exacerbated how attracted Dan is to him. Seeing him freshly showered and naked less than five minutes after waking up sent Dan’s brain into very dangerous territory, and just reliving the encounter now is causing his trousers to tighten. He takes a few deep breaths, focusing on the way he can see his own breath in the November cold rather than focusing on the fact that he’s got a very embarrassing problem going on in his pants.

Whatever chance he had at calming down is ripped away with the sound of the balcony door being pushed open. Dan startles, but sips his coffee and continues looking over the balcony rather than turn around. Just to be safe.

“Dan, why’re you out here without a coat? It’s freezing,” Phil chastises, his voice holding absolutely none of the turmoil Dan is feeling at the moment. Either Phil really was unaffected or he’s just very good at hiding it. Either way, it’s quite inconvenient.

“‘M not cold,” Dan mumbles, holding his coffee mug close to his chest.

“Sure,” Phil says after a beat, clearly disbelieving. There’s the sound of the door opening again, and Dan assumes Phil’s decided not to entertain his bullshit this morning. Dan’s not sure whether he should feel relieved or not.

Suddenly the door opens again and a moment later, Dan feels something soft and heavy being draped over his shoulders. “Here,” Phil says softly, running his hands up and down Dan’s arms to warm him. “I don’t want you catching a cold out here.” He presses a kiss to the back of Dan’s head, his hand ruffling through the curls for a moment before he steps beside him.

Dan nods. “Thanks,” he mumbles. He’s still reeling, mind flooded with images of droplets sliding down pale skin, fogged up mirrors-

“Are you okay? You’re breathing funny.” Phil is saying, his voice barely reaching Dan through the haze. Dan feels the way Phil’s hand wraps around his arm, but everything is still fuzzy. “Dan?”

“I’m fine,” he mumbles, gently pulling away from Phil’s grip. “I need to get dressed.”

Phil gives him an odd look, his hand hovering in the air between them like he’s attached to Dan by some invisible string. “Oh... okay?”

Dan doesn’t look back at him before he disappears back into the flat.

~~~

When Dan finally re-emerges from their bedroom, Phil is standing in the kitchen, phone pressed to his ear. Dan’s clearly coming in on the tail-end of the conversation, and he pretends to busy himself with making toast so he doesn’t look like he’s eavesdropping.

“Right, sure. I can meet you in, like, half an hour?” Phil is saying, pulling his phone away briefly to glance at the time. Whoever he’s speaking to must agree, because then he’s saying his goodbyes and hanging up. He taps on his phone briefly before sliding it into his pocket and looking over at Dan. Dan avoids his eyes. “I was going to make some pancakes,” Phil says mildly.

Dan shrugs one shoulder, staring at the toaster as he waits for the bread to pop up. “‘S fine. Who was that?” He asks, nodding in Phil’s general direction.

“Martyn, he wants to meet up. Evan is sick and I think Cornelia is sick of Mar hovering,” Phil says, snorting a laugh.

Dan tries to force himself to act like he isn’t bothered. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to hang out with Martyn? If Evan is sick and contagious, we could end up with a houseful of sick kids ourselves, and we don’t really need that right now.” His voice has an edge to it that he really wishes he could get rid of.

Phil is giving him an odd look when Dan risks a glance at him. “I think it’ll be fine. Evan just barely has a fever, if anything I think Cornelia just wanted to have an excuse to get Martyn out of the house for the day.”

The toast finally pops out of the toaster, giving Dan something to focus on that isn’t the building emotion in his chest. He shrugs, mumbling, “whatever,” and plating up his toast. He spares another glance over at Phil, who’s watching him closely. “If you’re meeting him so soon you should probably go.”

“Right,” Phil says, searching Dan’s face. Dan turns away, petulant. Phil huffs a noise somewhere between a snort and a sigh before leaving the kitchen.

Dan busies himself with smoothing his almond butter on one slice of the toast, and finds he’s spread Phil’s favorite strawberry jam over the other, just out of habit. He huffs a breath out of his nose, beyond annoyed at himself and forcing away the little bubble of warmth that’s trying to remind him that he’s not actually upset with Phil. It’s hard to remember that, though, when Phil comes in a few minutes later, wearing his denim button-up and glasses, looking the picture of ease while Dan is still feeling raw on the inside from the events of the day before.

“Here,” Dan mumbles, shoving the Nutella toast over to him and turning away to nibble on his own. He pretends to watch the pigeons, only to realize after a moment of staring that the balcony is empty.

“You made me toast too?” Phil asks, sounding soft and surprised.

Dan shrugs. He glances over at Phil, who already has a big corner bite taken out of the bread, cheeks puffed out as he chews. “Yeah,” he murmurs.

“Thanks,” Phil says once he’s swallowed. He licks a bit of Nutella off his thumb and Dan forces himself to look away, feeling his face heat up. They’re quiet while they finish eating their toast, but then they’re both done and Phil is clearing his throat. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Do you need anything while I’m out?”

The reminder that Phil is leaving sours Dan’s mood all over again. He turns away, turning the tap on just to hear something other than his own bitter thoughts. He shrugs, then shakes his head, silent. Phil sighs, and Dan tenses a little when he feels him press close to his side.

“Are you upset with me?” Phil asks, voice quiet but undeniably hurt.

Dan is, of course. He doesn’t even know why, really. His emotions are frazzled and fried and he doesn’t know what to do or say, so he shakes his head again, denying it.

There’s a brief pause and then Phil lets out another sigh, this time more impatient. “Okay,” he says, his voice tight. He leans in, and his lips barely brush Dan’s forehead before Dan turns away, the kiss falling where his hair meets his temple. Phil makes a wounded noise, and Dan closes his eyes, gripping the counter as he waits for the reprimand, or the fight, that he knows is coming. “I’ll see you later,” Phil murmurs to him, pressing his lips to Dan’s hair gently before turning to leave.

Dan listens to the tell-tale sound of Phil’s feet clomping down the hall and then the sound of him struggling to get his shoes on. Finally there’s the sound of keys jostling, and then the door closing gently, probably out of respect for the sleeping members of the house and not Dan. Still, he pretends they’re not in a fight, pretends that they’d had a nice breakfast together and had their usual affectionate goodbyes.

Somehow, this pretend doesn’t make up for the reality.

~~~

A day filled with spending quality time with his children is a remedy like no other. Dan still feels the ache somewhere in his chest, and the Phil-shaped absence in his day does hurt when he lets himself think too much about it. Still, spending most of the morning snuggling with Jaiden and watching movies heals him a little. Levi even sticks around, lounging at the other end of the sofa with Amelia tucked against his side. The soft family vibes of it all nearly brings Dan to tears, but he manages to keep himself under control.

At some point he gets a text from Phil saying that he’d be spending more of the day with Martyn than he realized. Dan frowns down at his screen, tilting it away from any curious little eyes.

Phil: Hey, Mar wants to do some early Christmas shopping for mum and dad while we’re out. Won’t be home until later.

Dan: it’s literally November?

Phil: Yeah, well. We don’t hang out as often anymore. It’ll be good to get it out of the way now.

Dan: fine, whatever

Phil: Kids okay?

Dan: yes.

Phil: Need anything?

Dan: guess not.

Phil: Okay. Love you guys.

Dan reads over this several times before locking his phone and sliding it under his thigh and out of view. That word shouldn’t send his heart racing the way it does, certainly not within the context. He knows what Phil meant. There’s no reason for him to have other feelings about it. No reason for him to mouth the words to himself, allowing his body to feel like they’re just for him.

“Daddy can we play Mario Kart?” A sweet voice calls from the other end of the sofa.

Dan turns a smile towards Amelia, shrugging. “That’s fine with me. Need help setting it up?”

Amelia shakes her head and pats Levi’s arm repeatedly, gesturing for him to do it. The teenager rolls his eyes but complies, sending Dan a smile when their eyes meet. “Will you play with us?” Amelia asks, scooting to sit in Levi’s spot against the corner of the sofa.

“Mm, I dunno,” Dan says warily. He does get a bit competitive with the game, and he can’t afford to keep swearing around them, not with the new swear jar.

“Please?” Jaiden asks, tilting his head to give Dan the most illegal pair of puppy dog eyes that he’s ever seen.

Dan sucks his teeth, contemplating. “Okay, how about this? You guys play a few rounds, and whoever the winner is has to play me. Deal?”

Amelia claps, nodding eagerly. “Yes!”

Levi brings over the controllers, handing one to each of the twins. Dan realizes then that he’s only retrieved two of them from the gaming cabinet. When Dan gives him a puzzled look, he shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have some homework to get done, so...”

“Oh,” Dan says, a little disappointed that their family bonding time will be cut short. “Of course, yeah, that’s fine.”

Levi hesitates, scratching his collarbones, a nervous tic Dan’s noticed. “I could do it in here?” He suggests, sounding more like a question than anything else.

“You wouldn’t be too distracted?” Dan asks, glancing at where the twins have already started arguing about something.

“No,” Levi says, shaking his head fondly at his siblings. “I’ve got earbuds anyway, so it won’t be too distracting.”

Dan nods then, smiling. “Great! I’ll try to keep them quiet.”

Levi’s mouth quirks into a smile and he disappears to his room to retrieve his laptop and books. Dan leans back into the corner of the sofa and watches the twins, a blanket of calm settling over him. This is exactly the sort of day he wanted after the trauma of yesterday, although he still feels the tugging in his chest at Phil’s absence. He doesn’t see that going away anytime soon, so instead of dwelling on it, he immerses himself in enjoying this day with his kids.

~~~

By the time Dan hears the front door opening, he’s putting dinner away and listening for any sounds of distress coming from the bathroom where Jaiden is supposed to be taking a bath. It’s only because he’s listening so hard that he even hears the quiet click of the door being re-locked, and his hands fumble with the Tupperware bowl. He forces himself not to look up towards the sound of approaching footsteps, a hard feat since he’s been desperate to see Phil since the minute he’d walked out the door this morning. Another part of him, however, is more concerned with the fact that their conversation from earlier is still very much unresolved. Just thinking about how they’d parted ways this morning sours his mood, and he drops the stir-fry pan into the sink a little too harshly.

“Hey,” Phil says as he walks into the kitchen, shrugging his jacket off. He drapes it over a chair at the table before coming around the counter to join Dan. “I take it I missed dinner?” He asks, cautious.

“The kids were tired. I thought an early night was best,” Dan mutters, washing his hands and reaching for the towel without looking at Phil. “I put some away in a box for you. It’s in the fridge,” Dan gestures mildly with the hand towel before turning around, intending on going to check on the kids.

“Oh... thanks.” Phil drums his fingers on the counter. “Dan?”

Dan sighs, but drags his feet to a stop, closing his eyes briefly to prepare himself for whatever argument they’re about to have. He turns around, dragging his eyes over Phil’s face. “Yeah?” His voice is strained, even to his ears.

“I, um...” Phil starts, stumbling to a stop. “Are the kids in bed already?”

Something about his voice doesn’t sound right, like that’s not the question he’d wanted to ask, but Dan doesn’t mention it. “Mia is. Jai’s in the bath, and I think Levi is FaceTiming with Charlotte.”

Phil nods, glancing out at the balcony before looking over at Dan. “Okay. I’ll just, uh... eat dinner and um...”

“I’ll get Jaiden out of the bath. You can tell them goodnight when you’re done.” Everything they say to each other feels scripted. Dan hates it.

“Right. Okay.” Phil looks down, the silence in the room suddenly overwhelming.

Dan feels incredibly awkward standing there, so he does what he does best. He leaves.

~~~

After tucking Jaiden into bed and giving another round of hugs and kisses and ‘goodnight, I love you’s to the twins, Dan heads to his own bedroom. He can hear the sound of Phil watching something on his phone while he eats, and Dan closes the bedroom door behind himself for some privacy. He sends Levi a text reminding him not to stay up too late since it’s a school night, and when he’s finally alone and free of parental responsibility, he allows himself to fall apart.

Dan really doesn’t even realize he’s in need of a good cry until tears are streaking down his face, his breaths coming out shallow and quick. He wipes furiously at his eyes, pressing his fingers against his tear ducts until it hurts. He’s weak, he’s so weak, if he falls apart so easily just when he has a row with his partner. His co-parenting partner, his mind reminds him traitorously. There’s no other context that word fits into within their current dynamic, and he needs to remind himself of that before he loses it entirely.

The sound of the bedroom door opening jolts him out of his bubble of self-loathing. He turns away from Phil, swiping at his cheeks and trying to stifle his sniffles. He clears his throat twice, begging his body to get a grip and suck it up.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice calls softly, the mattress dipping on the other side of the bed. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Dan flinches at the feeling of fingers tracing gently down his arm. “Nothing,” he croaks, swiping his phone off the bed and connecting it to the plug. It’s something to keep his hands busy, but it doesn’t last forever, obviously, and then he’s left sat there, dreading the moment when he has to turn and face Phil.

“Bullshit,” Phil snorts, not unkindly. “I’ve known you for ten years, Dan. I can tell when you’re crying.”

“‘M not,” Dan protests, uselessly.

The bed shifts as Phil moves, and Dan’s breath catches when Phil’s knees bracket his hips, his arms wrapping around Dan’s shoulders in a warm embrace as he presses his chest to Dan’s back. “Babe, talk to me.”

A sob escapes Dan’s throat at the pet name. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

“Dan?” Phil sounds panicked.

“I want it to be real,” Dan confesses, squeezing Phil’s arms so tightly he’s sure that he’ll leave bruises.

“What?” Phil asks, his voice colored in confusion. “Want what to be real?”

“All of it,” Dan whispers. “This, the family, all of it.”

He feels Phil gulp behind him, his Adam’s apple brushing against Dan’s shoulder. “It is real, Dan.” He sounds uncertain.

“Not like I want it to be,” Dan says, scornful.

Phil’s quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure I know what you mean,” he admits. His voice sounds high and different though, making Dan wonder if he does.

And fuck, that’s really not something he can handle right now. Maybe not ever. “Nevermind,” he mumbles, gently prying Phil’s arms away from him.

“Wait, Dan,” Phil says, gripping Dan’s wrist.

Dan shrugs out of his grip. “Just stop,” he says. He wipes his nose on his sleeve, giving Phil half a glance. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

He leaves Phil staring after him as he goes into the bathroom, stripping down to his pants and turning on the tap. He’s waiting for the water to warm up, taking deep breaths to calm himself, when the door opens. He’s so sick of jumping every time a door opens, honestly.

“Dan-“ Phil starts, reaching for him as soon as he’s in reaching distance.

It’s then that Dan realizes he’s just stood there, nothing covering him other than his black Calvins, worn out with time and wear. “Why are you in here?” He demands, trying to decide between crossing his arms to cover his hardening nipples, or clasping his hands to cover the bulge in his pants.

Phil shrugs carelessly. Dan doesn’t think he imagines the way Phil’s eyes flick up and down, checking him out. “It’s my bathroom too,” Phil says flippantly.

“Well yeah, but I was about to shower,” Dan snaps, the defensive tone coloring his voice.

Phil definitely checks him out this time, his eyes dragging a slow trail down Dan’s mostly naked body. “Go ahead,” Phil says, gesturing. “I’ll wait.”

Dan definitely can’t do that. He shivers at the implication and hopes that he can pass it off as a reaction to the chill in the air. He thinks Phil might be joking, but when he just crosses his arms and leans back against the sink, Dan knows he’s being serious. “You’re being a dick,” Dan snaps, grabbing his shirt and tugging it back over his head. He’s not going to be forced into this conversation, not when he feels so vulnerable, literally only a scrap of fabric away from being naked under Phil’s gaze.

“Dan, wait,” Phil says, grabbing his arm when Dan brushes past him to leave.

“Fuck off,” Dan spits, angry when he realizes that he’s crying again.

Phil gently strokes a hand down Dan’s side, his other hand coming up to cup Dan’s neck. “Hey. I’m sorry.” His voice is soft, and that just makes Dan cry harder. “I’m not trying to be a dick. But you won’t talk to me.”

“Yeah? Well being a twat isn’t winning you any favors,” Dan says, avoiding Phil’s eyes as he wipes at his own.

Phil sighs. “Why are you so cross with me today?”

“I’m not.”

“Dan.”

There’s a beat of silence, and when Dan squirms, Phil tightens his grip. Dan hates that he likes it. “Fine,” he says in a quick breath. He raises his gaze, staring Phil square in the face. “You left today.”

Phil looks caught off guard. “I... yeah, Martyn wanted to see me.”

“Yeah,” Dan snorts. “And yesterday our son almost died.” He levels Phil with a look, begging him to get the hint.

“I...” Phil starts, clearly at a loss for what to say. “I’m sorry.” He tugs Dan to his chest, hugging him tightly.

And for some reason, that does it. Dan’s attempts at drying his stupid over-productive tear ducts are futile, and the flood gates open again. Phil shushes him gently, stroking the back of Dan’s head in soft, gentle sweeps. Dan just keeps crying, his body shaking against Phil’s.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Phil is mumbling, pressing kisses to his hair.

“I really needed you here today,” Dan says, wiping his nose unashamedly against Phil’s t-shirt. “It sucked, being here alone with them, thinking that any minute something might happen and you wouldn’t even be here.”

Phil squeezes his hip harder. “I know. I’m sorry, Dan, really. I wasn’t thinking. Or I guess I just thought...” he trails off, but Dan doesn’t offer him an out. He wants to know what Phil thought. “I thought that, you know, after this morning... you wanted some space.”

It takes Dan a moment to place what he means. He flushes as soon as he remembers, as images of Phil, naked and dripping from a shower, flood his brain immediately. He shifts his hips away from Phil’s just a bit, hoping he’s subtle about it. It’s actually a good point, as far as Phil’s stupid anxiety-ridden logic is usually concerned, but that doesn’t mean it was right. “I needed you here. The kids needed you here.”

“I know, I just-“

Dan pulls away enough to look at him. “No, obviously you didn’t. Because you left.”

Phil’s shoulders sag, and Dan can tell he’s disappointed in himself. “You’re right. Of course you are.”

He gives it a moment, and then Dan leans his head back on Phil’s shoulder. “Please don’t run away like that again,” he whispers.

Phil tightens his grip on Dan’s hips. “I won’t. I want to be there for you, and for them.”

Dan doesn’t think Phil realizes what he actually meant, and he’s too emotionally raw to correct him. He tilts his chin, pressing a kiss to Phil’s throat. Phil shivers, and fuck, Dan should probably keep his distance. They’re clearly just touch-starved and desperate for some sort of sexual release, something that Dan knows they don’t share with each other, even as much as he wants to. He’s thinking this, and regretting all the times he’s not said what he felt, when Phil cups his cheek, nudging his face just so and-

And kisses him. Phil kisses him so softly, like Dan’s never been kissed before. Dan can’t help but gasp a little, his hand coming up to hold Phil’s wrist. His eyes slip closed as Phil strokes across his cheekbone, kissing Dan again and again, each time their lips meet better than the last. He loves this. He loves the way Phil’s mouth tastes, something sugary mixed with a hint of the coffee he drinks every evening, despite Dan’s warnings of sleep deprivation. He loves the way Phil’s hands are so gentle as they touch him, the hand on his hip currently traveling towards his bum, touching lightly, reverently. He loves the way he can feel Phil’s heart beating against his own chest from where they’re pressed so tightly together, and Dan can’t help but wish they were wearing less clothes. And he especially loves the way it sounds, the quiet smacking of their lips echoing in the room, louder even than the water Dan left running.

This must be what drags Dan out of this incredible moment, the reminder that he’s left the water running and has a shower to take. He pulls away, blood thrumming and heart leaping when Phil chases his lips. He surveys him, staring at Phil’s cherry red, spit-slick mouth and Dan decides that he wants to devour him. But first, he really does need that shower. “I need to take a shower,” he says dumbly.

Phil looks scandalized. “Er, right. Okay.” He clears his throat, bringing a hand up to wipe his mouth. His cheeks are flushed, and Dan can’t decide if it’s from the heat of the bathroom or the kissing.

They stare at each other for a second and Phil quirks an eyebrow. “Is there something on my face?” He says, wiping nervously at nothing.

Dan can’t help it. He leans forward, pressing kisses all over Phil’s cute little face. “Nope,” he mumbles.

Phil giggles uncontrollably, and Dan shivers as he feels Phil’s hands pushing underneath his shirt. He’s grinning too, enough that he’s really not even kissing Phil’s face anymore, just dragging his lips across his jaw before forcing himself to pull away. Phil’s laughter dies out and he’s stood staring at Dan with something too warm, too intimate, in his eyes. Dan leans in and kisses him again, amazed at the fact that Phil seems to want this, at least for now. He grabs Phil’s wrist under his shirt and guides his hand over to a nipple, encouraging Phil to touch him. He’s over pretending like this isn’t exactly what he wants.

“You know,” Phil says conversationally as he trails kisses down Dan’s neck. “You’re even better at this than I thought you’d be.”

Dan can’t help but preen at the compliment. “Yeah?” He asks shyly.

“Yeah,” Phil says, blowing a breath against Dan’s neck before sucking gently. Dan shivers. “Can I...” Phil trails off, his fingertips dipping into the waistband of Dan’s pants.

“What?” Dan asks, eager to hear the end of that question.

Phil pulls away and looks at him with something vulnerable in his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

Dan closes his eyes and nods quickly. He’s afraid if he doesn’t give his consent immediately, Phil might change his mind. “Fuck yeah. Yes.”

“Okay,” Phil says, smiling at him, a little nervous twitch to his lips. “I haven’t done this in a while, so you might have to give me a second to get it right,” he says. Dan’s about to ask what exactly he hasn’t done in a while when Phil drops to his knees.

Dan stops breathing. “Fuck,” he whimpers, heart racing. He never, in a million years, thought he’d ever see this. Phil kneeling in front of him, rubbing Dan gently through his briefs, looking up at Dan for reassurance. “Yeah,” Dan says uselessly. He’s shaking a little, he realizes when he reaches forward to push Phil’s hair out of his face. Doing something he does all the time, but in this context, makes it so incredibly hot that Dan can hardly stand it.

“Hey,” Phil says softly, reaching up and grabbing Dan’s hand. “We don’t have to, I can-“

“No!” Dan says, too quickly. Phil smirks at him. “I mean,” Dan says, clearing his throat. “I want you to, I’m just...” He flaps his hand in some awkward non-explanation of how he’s feeling. “Nervous,” he supplies when Phil just tilts his head at him.

Phil smiles, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Dan’s stomach, right below his navel. “It’s just me. I’m not scary, am I?” He looks up at Dan through his eyelashes as he kisses down, his final kiss pressed against the base of Dan’s cock through the fabric.

Dan takes a deep breath. “Fucking terrifying,” he says.

Phil presses his giggles against Dan’s tummy and Dan’s muscles tighten nervously. It’s been so long since someone’s touched him like this, he’s a little terrified among all the exhilaration of it. But Phil knows him better than any other person on earth, and he knows exactly what Dan needs. He reaches up and tangles their fingers together, bringing Dan’s hands to rest in his hair. Phil watches him as he gently guides Dan’s hands to stroke his hair, his face melting into something soft when Dan relaxes.

“There we go,” Phil says quietly. “Are you alright?”

Dan nods, his hands still petting Phil’s hair even when Phil’s hands drop to rest on Dan’s hips. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Phil smiles at him. “Good.” He ducks his head and begins sucking lightly at Dan’s cock through the fabric, and Dan stifles a groan and his thighs shake. He’s so hard already, and Phil’s barely touched him. He genuinely doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to stand it when Phil takes his cock out to properly blow him, which is where Dan’s pretty sure this is going. Phil pulls away and tugs lightly at Dan’s pants. “Ready?” He says.

Dan loves him for triple-checking. He opens his mouth to tell Phil to do it already, he consents, he wants this so bad-

He hears a voice in the other room.

“Daddy?”

Both of them freeze, staring at each other with matching looks of terror. They wait, as if to see if their child is going to leave. It barely takes a minute before they hear a knock at the bathroom door. “Dad?” Jaiden calls again.

“Shit,” Dan hisses, pushing at Phil’s head, yanking at his t-shirt to get him to stand. “Fuck, god fucking dammit,” he mutters, heart racing for entirely all the wrong reasons.

“Shh,” Phil shushes him, turning to check his hair in the mirror, his hands trembling. “Just a sec, Jai!”

“Phil!” Dan protests, covering himself. “I don’t- I can’t go out there like this!” He whisper-shouts.

“Relax, I’ll go take care of him,” Phil says, turning around to face Dan. He smirks as he glances down at Dan’s little problem, and Dan wants to throttle him. “You should probably take care of that,” he says, gesturing to Dan’s crotch.

Dan’s face feels like it’s on fire. “God. Yeah, okay. I’ll uh... take a shower.”

Phil nods, biting his lip, no doubt hiding a laugh. “Right,” he says.

“Hello?” Jaiden calls outside the bathroom door, sounding exasperated. “Dan? Phil? Somebody?”

Dan has to giggle at this, and Phil bursts into laughter. “Go, go,” Dan says, pushing Phil towards the door. “I’ll be out in a bit.”

Phil stops at the door and twists around just enough that he can press a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Okay,” he says, letting out a breath, his eyes looking a little wild. Their son has started knocking at the door now, so Phil rolls his eyes before gripping the doorknob. “Right, I’m going,” he says, still casting one last glance over at Dan before opening the door and slipping out.

Before the door closes, Dan hears Jaiden questioning him. “What took so long? Where’s daddy?”

Dan doesn’t hear all of Phil’s response before he shuts the door, and half of Dan is relieved that their child won’t be traumatized by seeing him like this. The other half of him is hysterical that Phil is the one who has to deal with lying to their child who almost caught them in a very compromising position.

Now that he’s alone, Dan gives himself a moment to reflect on everything that just happened. He made out with his best friend. That’s fine. They’ve kissed before, although Dan was obviously still in denial about what that meant to both of them. Even bigger than that, in so many ways, is the fact that Phil was about to suck his dick. He literally felt Phil’s mouth against his cock, and if they hadn’t been interrupted, he would have felt Phil’s mouth in a place he’s never felt it. He almost can’t wrap his head around it, but he’s still hard as he steps into the stream of the shower, and he can wrap his head, or his hand, around that problem.

He jerks himself off fast and hard, his mind flooded with images of Phil, Phil, Phil. He’s breathing hard and nearly choking on the steam of the water and then it’s over all too soon, all the evidence washed down the drain. Relief washes over him in waves, and for the first time in a long time, it’s not accompanied by guilt. He wasn’t a perfect man, and of course over the last few weeks he’s wanked to the thought of Phil, and every time he’s been encompassed in such guilt that he’d swear he would never do it again.

It’s impossibly relieving to not have that guilt accompany what he thinks is his best wank in months.

He washes his hair and body quickly after that, desperate to crawl into bed with Phil and talk about all of this. This day has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions but now his heart is set on clearing things up and putting his truth out there on the table. It’s terrifying to think about, absolutely nerve wracking to rehearse the words in his head as he towels himself dry and slips on some pajamas.

“I’m in love with you,” he mouths to himself in the mirror. His lips keep quirking up, making his words look almost fake as he repeats the sentiment again and again. He feels giddy, borderline deranged with excitement, as he brushes his teeth and forces down his nightly pill.

Dan’s so excited and nervous that he somehow forgets that they were very much interrupted by one of their children earlier, and it doesn’t cross his mind until he steps out of the bathroom that there might have been something wrong.

“Uh, hi,” he says dumbly, surveying the scene in front of him.

Phil and Jaiden both glance up from where they’re laying snuggled together in the bed, a book propped open in Phil’s lap as he reads quietly. Jaiden looks sleepy and adorable as he waves his little hand at Dan, and Phil looks only a little apologetic. “Hi,” Phil says with a smile.

“What’s going on here?” Dan asks, propping his hands on his hips.

Jaiden flushes, burrowing down and tugging the duvet up to his chin. “I had a bad dream. Dad said I could stay in here tonight.”

Dan glances up and Phil shrugs. He mouths, “I’m sorry,” but Dan waves him off.

“Of course, buddy. Do you need a plushy or anything from your room?” Dan asks, going to turn on Phil’s lamp and then turn off the overhead light.

Jaiden holds up a familiar stuffed lion, and Dan’s heart clenches. “Dad said I could borrow his for tonight.”

“Just for tonight,” Phil reminds him softly.

Jaiden nods obediently. “I know.”

Dan crawls into bed on the other side of Jaiden, scooting in to join in on the cuddle. Phil adjusts accordingly, reaching the arm behind Jaiden’s head so that he can rest his hand at the base of Dan’s neck, stroking gently at where his hair is getting long. Their eyes meet and Dan knows that their talk will have to wait until tomorrow. That doesn’t fill him with dread, or anxiety like it used to. Instead, he feels calm, even settled, although a little impatient. It’s a good feeling.

“What’re we reading, Dad?” Dan asks, brushing Jaiden’s unruly hair back and kissing his forehead.

Phil tugs lightly at a curl at the back of Dan’s head. “We’re reading The Hobbit, Daddy,” Phil teases, his tongue poking out between his teeth in that adorable way that Dan finds so endearing.

Dan cringes at the use of the name; hearing it coming from Phil rather than their children just makes it weird and wrong. Phil knows it, of course. They both do. They both stick their tongues out at each other and giggle like schoolchildren, completely endeared with each other. And even though they can’t talk about it right now, with Jaiden complaining about them being weird and begging Phil to let Dan read all of Gandalf’s parts, Dan knows they’re going to be okay.

[astronomoney]

This story was made by @tomatosamla and @le-green-lion and inspired by that one Oogway quote and the villain from spy kids 4 because why the fuck not

Summary: The Teen Titans of the future are sucked into the past where they run into their parents and must work together to get back to their own time

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: cursing, time travel, speedsters (they deserve their own warning)

Gifts

Chapter One: A Twist in Time

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift! That is why it is called present.

-Oogway

The day was as clear as Gotham could be. Batman and the Teen Titans were battling the villain known as Tick Tock, another Arkham wannabe that was kinda powerful in his own right, he was able to slow down time which definitely gave him advantage over the team, thankfully the speedster was able to do more damage than the rest (thank you superspeed).

"Damnit," Andromeda Kent cursed as time slowed once again. "I can't land any hits on this guy!"

"Just keep trying," Thomas Wayne shouted back. "He can't keep this up forever so we just need to outlast him! Kid Flash, go right!" He threw an exploding batarang at the villain and it moved in slow motion, drifting towards Pamela West who used her Super speed to give it an extra boost. Even with her help Tick Tock still had time to casually side step and avoid getting hit, luckily Nobody had planned for this and the batarang exploded next to the villains head.

He was thrown off balance and the effect of his powers disappeared giving Jaiden Pham a chance to use their powers. With the Green Lantern ring they tied up Tick tock so he couldn't slow the time. The Teen Titans walked over to him cautiously and Pam spoke up.

"Haha we stopped you! You really thought you'd get away with it butcha didn't cause we're here! The Teen Titans can stop anyone who threatens the innocent!" she rambled in true speedster fashion.

The villain laughed. "Do you really think you've defeated me? I'm offended. You must think of me as any old cheap bad guy without a backup plan. Well children, that was your first mistake." A swirling light came out of the ground underneath him, it stretched and began sucking things in. The heros were taken by surprise and none of them had time to react before they were sucked into the void.

Batman was the only person left on the road.

"KIDS!" screamed Damian as he saw his children fall into the portal, he reached out to grab them but they were already gone.

The Titans landed in a hard surface face first, Caipora was the first one to react, she tried attacking Tick Tock but he once again used his powers, she was able to land a hit thanks to her super abilities. Thomas once again began giving orders, until he saw his brother.

"Orphan! What the fuck are you doing here?!"

"I don't know. I was collecting intel and then I landed here!" he replied.

"Watch out!" screamed a guy in the... Robin costume?

"What the he-" said Kai, right before being pushed aside by none other than the Yara Flor herself, but she was younger...?

Tick Tock tried using his tricks once again, this time accelerating time (which none of them had seen before) in order to send Pam flying with too much speed for anyone's liking, Jai West was able to catch her in time.

"What is going on?" this time spoke Minh, Damian was... confused to say the very least, why was this kid dressed as him? Were these teenagers cosplaying or playing dress up? Those costumes looked like real hero stuff, so what the hell was going on?

Andromeda launched herself towards Tick Tock once more, the villain accelerated time again and Superboy came to catch her as the time warper slowed time once more. Damian started barking orders to all the heroes, he figured the abilities of those weird teenagers just by observing, maybe they would serve a purpose. Together the two teams tied Tick Tock once again, Damian touched his communicator in order to contact the batfam and take this dangerous villain to Arkham, in the meantime, they needed to talk.

Tick Tock laughed at their attempts to catch him before slowing time so much that they could barely move. "As fun as this is, I really must be going. I'm sure I'll see you all later." And with that he disappeared behind a corner leaving two generations of Titans behind, and one of those generations stranded.

Once the villain was far enough away his powers wore off and everyone was released from the time trap. Damian, kind of frustrated, went over to someone who was dressed like Nobody, first as he assumed that was the leader.

"Do you know that guy?"

"Yeah, an Arkham villain, before today we didn't think much of him, but now... I don't know."

"I don't know any Arkham villain with those abilities."

"Seriously? He's one of the popular ones."

Damian looked at him with just a brow raised, not much else in his face, Thomas eyes widened, he looked around and saw every other hero there, his sister gave him a confused look as he began to kinda panic.

"You're R-r-obin... the fifth Robin."

Damian moved his head in surprise, the other Titans started to figure out as well and they also started to panic.

"Yes, who are you?"

He didn't know if he should tell him, Thomas looked at his teammates and all of them nodded their heads, he took his mask off, Damian formulated a theory before the guy talked (they looked way too similar to him to be a coincidence), boy was his theory wrong.

"I'm your son."

Everyone of the present Titans froze at that, "What?"

"My name is Thomas Wayne, this is my brother-" he said signaling for his siblings to come over, "Jackson Wayne, and my sister... Minh Wayne." Damian was in shock, he kinda believed him because the similarities are way too many to ignore, still, he wouldn't totally believe them until he made some DNA tests.

Andromeda went over to Jon and Yara, "Mom... Dad-" she said, hugging them, they reacted kinda late, Jon totally believed her right that instant and hugged her back, Yara on the other hand wasn't quite sure.

Pam on the other, other hand didn't make any sentimentalism shit and just launched herself to her father, Jai didn't react right away, it took him a moment to process.

The Pham kids firstly went to Lian and then, smiling, Kai signaled his dad to come join them in the not so comfortable hug, Tai was shook, and drama completely ensued, because... well... he was not dating Lian... he was dating Mar'i.

"Wait a second, you're saying that you guys," Lian motioned towards the future Titans. "Are our," she pointed back at her team. "Kids? More specifically me and Tai have... kids?" She was definitely in shock as she looked over at Tai.

Mar'i stepped forward and spoke up. "That can't be right. I mean I'm dating Tai but if you guys are supposed to be their kids then," She paused as if trying to figure out how to word the question. "Then what happens to me?"

"YOU GUYS DATED?!?" Pam exclaimed before anyone else could say anything. "You never told me that!"

"KF, now's not the time." Thomas jumped in, he realized how confusing the situation was and he wasn't too sure what happened either but he did know they'd be better off talking about it somewhere more secure. He turned to Damian who still looked sceptical about everything. "You probably don't believe us and won't want to take us back to your base so why don't we head to a safe house. Is the one on Schapp avenue up yet?"

"We don't have any safe houses on Schapp avenue but I do know of a place nearby." He glanced at Jon, his eyes told the super to be alert. The Future Titans looked, acted, and had powers awfully similar to the Teen Titans but who's to say they weren't just trying to trick them. "It's on the corner of Camron and Murphy, are you familiar with that area?"

"Upper west side right?" Minh asked. "We know it but where we're from it's called the West River district."

"Interesting," Damian muttered. He looked around at the future Titans again before turning towards his bike. "Let's all meet there." With that he sped off, the Teen Titans followed shortly after most of them having some form of fast power. The Future Titans were left standing on the corner.

"Listen team, I don't know what's happening but we're clearly in the past and I don't think telling them everything about the future is the best idea." Thomas said in his signature Batman authority voice. "If they know what'll happen to them they might try to prevent some things and that won't go over well for anyone so be careful about what you say. Especially you KF."

"What? Why are you targeting me?" She asked with exaggerated offense.

"Because out of everyone on this team you're the most likely to tell them about some crazy important event that they definitely shouldn't know about," Jaiden laughed, pointing out how bad Pam was at keeping secrets.

She smacked their arm lightly. "That is so not fair."

"Also, Kai, I know you didn't do it on purpose but... come on man" Thomas continued.

"Everyone was doing it!"

"So they DID date, why didn't anyone tell m-"

"Just!" interrupted Jackson "let's get this over with, we will meet them there and then we will find a way to go back to our time and also to capture Tick Tock."

Andromeda interjected, "or... we can capture Tick Tock and wait for our parents to come for us."

"Either way, we should get going, knowing my dad he called grandpa Bruce to bring some DNA tests and uncle Tim will be there too, and knowing them they will bring the whole family and uncle Dick will be very impatient." said the team leader with his siblings nodding every word he said.

"In that case, wouldn't all of our families be called?" Asked Pam.

"I don't know, probably not." answered Jaiden.

Thomas and Jackson were carried there by Andy, because super strength, Kai was carried by Jaiden, because ring, and Mihn was carried by Pam, because speed. Maybe some drama would ensue, but they were sure of something, everything would work out.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?!"

"I don't remember uncle Jason ever being this strong worded with his kids, or us for that matter." said Mihn in a whisper to Kai who just nodded in shock.

"Little Wing, just... don't." Dick put a hand up before anything else could be said or done. "Ok, so... ummm, jeez, how do we start this?"

May we clarify that this conversation took place right after the DNA results returned, and they CONFIRMED that those kids were the Titans kids. Bruce went into shock, with Selina trying to calm him down (the main word being trying), Tim and Dick were surprised but said nothing, Jason... we already know, Clark was already playing with Jon and Andromeda, Roy almost fainted, Kori also started playing with Pam, and overall it was a very quiet moment for everyone... surprisingly.

"Soooo... who is your mom?" asked an Irey full of curiosity to her niece.

"Oh, she's-"

"Nope nope nope nope nope, you won't do that, nope." interrupted Jaiden.

Pam whined "But whyyyy?"

Andromeda puts a hand on her shoulder and says "Because, if anything in this world screams 'Temporal mayhem' it is speedsters."

"Ugh Andyyyy, that's no fun." Pam slumped.

"All right" says Irey, Andy lowers her hand and the next thing anyone knows is that Pam is almost on top of Irey screaming out loud "HER NAME IS RENATA AND SHE'S A CIVIL- ow, what was that for?" she said holding her head after Kai had used one of his arrows on her, barely touching her but making her stop.

"Why wouldn't I?"

Thomas just shook his head in disappointment for their behavior, and Dick came to ask him something, of course he wouldn't miss a chance to tease his little brother.

"So, who's your mom?"

"I definitely won't answer that one, thank you very much."

On the other side of the safe house (in the same room, just on the other side of it) Jason aproched Jackson.

"What's your name kid?"

"Jackson...?"

"No motherfucking way, shit dude, HEY DEMON SPAWN, YOU NAMED YOUR KID AFTER REPLACEMENT?"

"Wait what?!" asked Tim before anyone could say anything.

"HIS NAME IS JACKSON!"

Mihn walked over to them, "Ummm, yeah, so?"

"You get along with Demon Spawn and you get along with Replacement, oh how great this day is."

"Jason, please stop, you're embarrassing me" complained Drake while Damian was giving them all his best ew face, Dick was kinda giving them a little smile, Jason was laughing his ass off and Bruce had a face that spelled regret for having so many children.

"Yeah, and my second name is Peter." Everyone froze at that, everything was silent until Dick, Tim and Damian, all at the same time started hysterically laughing

[devilatmydoor]

love is fatal I part 8

previous parts; part 1  part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 

 a/n- hi all! i hope your week has been going great. i hope you are all taking care of yourselves <3 as always let me know what you think in the tags or message me! if you want to be added to my taglist send me a ask or dm! shout out to @aliencal for helping me bounce ideas

word count;  5.7k+ whoops

warning; smut, ANGST, swearing, fluff, drinking 

The tension in the room could cut a knife, her mom showing up out of nowhere wasn’t unusual for her. There was no doubt in her mind that her mother stole her ex-husband’s key to Veronica’s house. Her father had a set of keys in case of an emergency. She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down “He’s my boyfriend. Is there a reason you’re here besides bothering me?” Veronica as she set her basket on the floor.

“I haven’t seen you since I dropped off Hershey, you didn’t mention him to me then.” She insinuated. 

Calum looked at Veronica as her eyes almost rolled to the back to the back of her head in response, “We weren’t dating then mom, you could’ve called to warn me you were stopping by.” 

“What fun would that be?”

“I’m gonna go change, I’ll be right back.” He said before kissing Veronica on her cheek before leaving the kitchen.

“This house is a mess, you really need to get better at keeping your house organized.” Her mom criticized. 

“Really mom? You came all the way here to tell me this?” Veronica sighed. 

“Really? You’re dating him after Jaiden?”” Her mom questioned as she tried to whisper the last part.

“Yes I’m dating him, quit putting him on a pedestal.” She angrily said as her body temperature instantly switched. 

“You never should’ve broken up with Jaiden, you’re downgrading Veronica.” Her mom said. Did her mom really think so poorly of him after just meeting him?

“Okay, you need to leave. No one talks about Calum like that after just meeting him. You talked to him for all of 2 seconds.” Veronica demanded as she could feel her chest tighten. 

“That’s all I need.” Her mom scolded as she crossed her arms. 

“Get out of my house, now. Jaiden broke me, I had to pick myself out of the darkest place. Jaiden isn’t even half of the man Calum is.” She argued as she clenched her jaw. 

“That’s not true.”

“I dated him so I know what kind of man he isn’t. Just leave before I call Dad.” She barked as her mom walked out of the kitchen towards the front door. Her mom slammed the door as she left her house adding icing to the cake. 

She turned around to see Calum standing in the living room, “Ronnie are you okay? You really shouldn’t argue with your mom about me.” 

She made the space between them nonexistent, “I’m fine, no one talks about you like that. Especially if they compare you to my ex.” She sighed before looking in his brown eyes, “I’m sorry you had to be here to witness all of that, she’s something else.” 

“Do you mean what you say about me?” He asks shyly as his rough exterior crumbling down just as his gaze softened. 

“Of course I did.” She smiled at him as she held his face in her hands. 

“Thank you for being the sweetest girlfriend and sticking up for me.” He smiled as he held her waist. 

“The way she talked about you was uncalled for. She needs to stay in her own lane, she disrespected you at my house when you were here! The last straw  was comparing you to him” She kissed his nose and sighed, “I realized I never really told you anything else about him besides him living across the country.” 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

“I feel like you should at least know who my mother is comparing you to.” She said before she sighed, “Our relationship was a hot mess. It became toxic; we broke up once and had two separate breaks in the span of a year and a half. Everyone wanted us to get married but when he was promoted because the fire department wanted him in Boston, we quickly figured out that we both wanted different things. He wanted me to move with him and start a life together there and I had to stay here to finish getting my grandma’s house on the market after she passed” Her eyes met his as both hands rested on her hips. 

“She passed away and left you with all of her assets right?” He asked as he quirked his eyebrow

“I’m the executive to her estate and her inheritance, hence how I can afford this place. When he decided that he couldn’t handle long distance without giving it a chance.” She breathed as her hand rested on the nape of his neck. 

“I’m so sorry he broke your heart baby, you deserved so much better than that. Giving up on something is never the right decision.” He expressed as he kissed her forehead. 

“I know but I’m happy he broke my heart.” She explained as she smiled at him. His facial expression gave away how confused he was, “If he didn’t break my heart, I would’ve never lived here nor would Grayson be working at your shop and I would've met you.”

“Fair enough.” He smiled before kissing her nose, “I probably should get dressed huh?” He blushed while he chuckled. 

“Why didn’t you get dressed?” She asked as her fingers ran through his damp curls. 

“I was worried about you, I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He said softly and she kissed his lips softly and he smiled against her lips. 

“I’m okay, I promise.” She mused as he wrapped his arm around her waist and led her to her bedroom. 

“That’s all I want, do you need me to stay a little bit longer before I go to work?” He asked as they walked into her bedroom. 

“I’ll be okay. I need to clean for the party tomorrow and if you stay any longer cleaning is the last thing on my mind” She giggled and kissed his cheek, “Do you need me to make coffee for energy?”

“I’ll get an energy drink before work. I can’t believe we stayed up past 2 am last night just talking.” He smiled as he let go of her waist. 

“You decided to ask me at 1 Am to give details about my family before you meet them.  You know you don’t have to go to my sister’s birthday party right?” She asked as she sat down on the mattress. 

“I know but I want to meet the rest of your family. You’ve told me so much about your niece and nephew I feel like I know them. Do you not want me to go?” He asked sheepishly. 

“I want you to go but I don’t want to scare you off by showing you my family too soon.” She trailed off as she looked away from him nervous to what he’d say. 

“Veronica, your mom didn’t scare me off, I’m right here.” He breathed as he grabbed her hand and kissed it. 

“That’s true, you didn’t run for the hills.” She smiled softly as she looked in his eyes, she felt like she was going to melt the way he was looking at her. 

“Of course not, I don’t mean to change the subject abruptly but we do need to talk about something.” He mentioned as he tucked her hair behind her ear. 

Her chest tightened as her heart rate sped up as she thought of what he would want to talk about. “Yeah?”

“We need to talk about kinks, I think we should be open about it with each other and the things we like in the bedroom.”

“Oh okay, well you know I have a nipple kink.” She winked and he blushed, “Pain is a newer kink of mine that I haven’t explored yet if you are into that. Sensation play is another one.” 

“I have a nipple kink too actually,” He said with a smirk, “We can explore pain kink together. Sensation play is new to me, but I’m open” 

She smiled as she kissed his cheek, “Sensation play is when you use feathers, ice, silk scarves, and massage oils.” 

“We can definitely do that. Talk to me if you like or love something, finishing is important to me. I’m not doing my job right if you don’t finish before me.” He smiled as he caressed her hand with his thumb. 

“You can talk to me about something you want to try or are interested in. As long as you don’t belittle me by calling me princess and saying I’m a slut we should be okay.” She stated as she realized what she just told him. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it. You told me when we first met not to call you princess and I’ve stood by that.” He cooed as he kissed her lips softly. 

She smiled against his lips before pecking his lips again, “Thank you.” 

“Of course, I’d better finish getting ready or I’m going to be late.” He breathed as he let go of her hand. 

* * * * * * *

Bass shook the windows as the party raged on, Veronica walking around in a black bikini with a cropped white tank top. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of her if he tried, she strutted around the house swaying her hips every chance she got to see his reaction. Everyone was outside as she was working on refilling the strawberry lemonade, he stood behind her and gripped her hips, “I should take you to your room and finally show you what happens when you tease me.”” He breathed on her neck before kissing her sweet spot. 

“Why don’t you baby?.” She moaned as he softly sucked on her sweet pot. 

He left a mark on her skin before slowly licking it, “You’d like that wouldn't you?” 

Her ass slowly grinding on his semi hard cock, he groaned in response while softly slapped her ass, “Your bedroom, now.” He growled and he stepped away from her giving her space to walk her room. He followed close behind her as she opened the door and he stepped inside as she took off her tank top. “Lay down for me baby.” 

She followed and laid down on her bed as he took off clothes except for his boxers as he hovered over her his hands cupping her breasts as he slowly kissed her neck. Her moans drove him crazy as he ran his thumb over her nipples as they hardened immediately. He rubbed her nipples over her top as he left soft kisses on her chest. She whined underneath him as her hips bucked in response to his teasing, he held her hips down as he slowly took off her bikini top and kissed all over her breasts as his lips slowly ghosted over her hard nipples. 

“C-Calum please.” She breathed as he winked at her and slowly took off her bottoms. 

He slowly spread her legs as he left open mouth kisses on her inner thighs, slowly getting closer to her heat. He softly kissed her clit as she moaned loudly, “Please what?”

“Do something.” She breathed as he kissed her hips, all over her stomach before holding her hips as he slowly swirled his tongue over her nipple feeling the cool metal against his tongue. He held her hips down as he felt them buck against him. 

He softly sucked on her nipple while his hand cupped her breast, her moans filling the room as he softly let go of her nipple with a pop. She bit her lip as he flicked his tongue over her other nipple as he felt her slick folds, “Fuck your soaking baby.” He breathed as he slowly circled her clit with his thumb. 

“Oh god Calum please.” She whined as he softly kissed each nipple. 

He slid his fingers into her heat as he slowly pumped his fingers inside of her as she moaned his name. His thumb circled her clit as he felt her orgasm approaching, he curled his fingers inside of her as she screamed his name as she came around his fingers. He rode out her high as his pace slowed. He slid his fingers out of her as he licked them clean before softly sucking her clit, “O-Oh my god, Calum!” 

His tongue slipped inside of her entrance as his thumb softly circled figure 8’s on her clit. He felt her walls clenching as her orgasm followed, he rode out her orgasm as his tongue swirled inside her. He kissed her clit before licking his lips, “Fuck baby, I know you can cum one more time for me.” He winked as he swiftly took off his boxers as his hard cock sprung free hitting his stomach before he teased her wet folds with the tip of his cock using her arousal to lube him. He held her hips as he slowly thrusted into her, his cock filling her up inch by inch. He moaned as he felt her walls clench around his cock, he thrusts were deep and slow, “Fuck baby.”

He thrust deeper as she gasped, “Oh my god Calum, my g-spot!” She screamed as her fingertips dug into his back. 

He thrusts became faster as he kept hitting the same spot as he felt her orgasm hit, he started thrusting harder as he rode her high as his followed. He kissed her feverishly as they moaned in each-others mouth as they came down from their highs. He slowly pulled out of her as she gasped, “Fucking hell baby.”

Her breath was heavy as her eyes closed, he laid down on the bed as he pulled her close as he softly caressed her cheek. She opened her eyes sleepily as she looked at him panting, “I’ve got you baby.” 

“Wha-what's go-” She mumbled as he kissed her forehead. 

“Shh shh, you’re okay. Focus on me,” He breathed as he kissed her cheek, “Are you dizzy baby?” 

She nodded slowly, “I dunno what’s going on.” 

“You’ve never experienced subspace baby, I’ve got you.” He comforted as he held her tight, “You did so good baby, so fucking good.”

She hummed in response as they laid together until she was no longer dizzy. He helped her get dressed as he threw his shorts on. He left to make sure Luke and Grayson could get people to leave. He ran a bath for her as he carried her into her bathroom. 

* * * * * * *

Her hands gripped the steering wheel as she drove to the outdoor venue where the annual ‘Midsummer's’ festival was taking place. Each year it was different which drove her crazy, she felt his hand softly squeeze her thigh, “It’s gonna be okay pretty girl, I’ll be fine.” 

“I don’t want you to think that I want you to meet and talk to every single person that’s attending. My mom always makes a big deal out of this festival.” She breathed as she licked her lips. 

“I’ll be too busy staring at you in that pink dress.” He cooed as he smiled at her. 

He was referring to the silk pink dress she bought for Midsummer the previous year but was unable to go due to preparing to sell her grandma’s house. “This ol thing?” 

“Angel, you look like a Greek goddess.” He purred as he kissed her cheek causing her to blush. 

“If I’m a Greek goddess then you're a Maori god” She giggled as they pulled into the parking lot. 

“As long as you agree that you are a Greek goddess ” He chuckled as she parked her car, he took off his seat belt and grabbed his phone off the dock. Calum insisted he get the door for her and she waited for him. 

He helped her out of the car and held her hand as they walked together, “If you want to go just tell me.” 

“Okay, same goes to you” She joked as she locked the car,  kissing his cheek. 

He chuckled before letting go of her hand so he could wrap his arm around her pulling her close.  

The mixture of voices and laughter with the music shifted her focus on finding her sister. Her eyes fixed on the man talking to her mom. Everything surrounding her faded as she took in who was standing less than 30 ft from her. She closed her eyes and reopened them just in case she was seeing things, but in this case she wasn’t. She heard his voice which set off the last conversation replaying in her head. 

“You’re so unbelievable! Five days ago you practically begged me to move across the country for you and now you're walking away?” She argued 

“What else is there to do Ronnie?” He asked as he put his shoes on. 

“So that’s it then? You’re just giving up without even trying?” Veronica accused as she got off of the couch. 

“You won’t move to Boston so why even try something that wasn't meant to be?” He pointed out as he threw his hands up in the air.

“I’ve told you so many times why I can’t.” She expressed. 

“I’m tired of your excuses Ronnie. It’s over.” He stated as he grabbed his stuff and walked towards the door. 

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she tried to process what was going on.  Almost two years of her life spent growing and loving him.  Her first  serious relationship since she finished college. She knew he was partially right. She didn’t know why it had to end the way it did. He left her house slamming the front door behind him. 

She was brought back to the party when Calum stood in front of her holding her face in his hands, “Baby? Are you okay?” 

“Calum, Jaiden is here.” She breathed as his eyes widened when she said his name. 

“Jaiden as in your ex? Where is he?” He asked as he looked around. 

“He’s talking to my mom.” She explained as he wrapped his arm tightly around her waist as he looked for her mom. 

He softly growled and looked in her eyes, “Wow, that’s him?” 

She nodded and wrapped her arm around his waist, “Mhm, why?” 

“He looks like he eats the protein  powder right out of the container.” He huffed before looking in her eyes. 

“Calum!” She whispered as she shook her head playfully. 

“What? He looks like a guy who douses himself in Axe instead of real cologne.” He whispered before walking with her in the opposite direction. 

“Now you’re just trying to make me feel better.” She stated as she kissed his cheek. 

“I’m just telling the truth, can’t believe you dated him.” He mused as they walked towards the appetizers. Tatum walked up to them and showed them where all of the vegan appetizers she made just for Calum. “Can’t believe your sister made all of this for me.” 

“I can, that’s just who she is. My mom got the rest catered but my sister wanted to make sure you had something to eat.” She smiled as they grabbed plates. 

When they were done getting food they found a spot to sit down underneath the lights and away from where her ex was.

“Do you want me to get us drinks babe?” He asked as he snacked on veggies. 

“Sure baby, you know what I like.” She smiled as he kissed her forehead and stood up placing his plate in place of where he was sitting. 

“I’ll be back in a flash.” He stated as he disappeared in the crowd. 

He came back quicker than she anticipated and grabbed his plate so he could sit down, he handed her a Pina Colada as she finished eating what was on her plate. He set his drink down so he could finish his plate before drinking. 

She took a sip of her drink and sighed, “How much were the drinks?” 

“They were free! I feel like I’m at a wedding!” He gushed as he drank his beer. 

“That’s amazing!” She smiled as she put her pate on her lap as she cradled his drink, taking sips occasionally. 

Calum finished his food and they walked to the nearest trash to throw their plates away, Tatum came over as her eyes widened. 

“Did you know Jaiden was coming?” She asked nervously as he was nearby. 

“Hell no, mom must’ve known he was in town. I can’t believe her.” Tatum shook her head as she looked in her eyes. 

“She did this on purpose, she thinks he’s the greatest boyfriend I’ve ever had.” She explains as Calum shook his head. 

“As if! He’s one of the worst, if not the worst. She didn’t even tell me his parents were coming.” Tatum gushed as she motioned Penelope to come over, “I hope the vegan food I made was okay, it’s been a while since I've made any.”

“It was more than okay, thank you for making it.” Calum smiled as he finished his drink. 

Penelope came running in her dress and smiled, “Uncle Cal!!” 

Veronica giggled as Tatum tsked, “Penny! What did I tell you about calling him that?” 

“It’s okay, I’ve been called worse.” Calum chuckled as Penelope giggled. 

“Just tell me if it gets annoying.” Tatum giggled as her mom motioned for her to come over, “Gotta go, her highness is waiting.” 

They all laughed as Tatum left, “We should go dance, barely anyone is dancing.” Penelope blurted 

“Do you wanna dance with us baby?” She asked him as she gave him her puppy eyes. 

“Of course, let’s tear up the dance floor!” Calum cheered as he walked with them towards the open area where maybe 8 people were dancing. The string of lights lit the dance floor as Juice by Lizzo blasted through the speakers as they started dancing ignoring the looks they were receiving. They attempted to dance and sing along at the same time as more people joined the dance floor. After dancing to multiple summer songs, Northern Wind by City and Colour started and Calum pulled her into his arms as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Hi pretty girl.” 

“Hi baby.” She smiled as he leaned forward pressing her forehead against his as they danced slowly. 

His arms held her tight as he looked in her eyes as  her back arched as he dipped her as he kissed her lips softly causing her to giggle. 

He brought her back to him as he wrapped one arm around her waist and grabbed her other hand before twirling her, “Calum!” 

He chuckled before pulling her close as his hand rested on the small of her back holding her hand as she rested her hand on his chest, “I can’t believe you dipped and twirled me.”

He chuckled before kissing her lips softly, she slowly slipped her tongue in his mouth as she licked his bottom lip. He slowly opened his mouth as their tongues battled for dominance, she held his face in her hand as he held her hips firmly. 

Her and Calum stood in place as they kissed passionately on the dance floor, she saw stars as her eyes were closed. Everyone surrounding them disappeared as the world stopped, the music playing softly as he held her close as he breathed on her lips before softly kissing them, “I can’t get enough of you.” 

She felt her cheeks turn pink as she looked in his eyes, “You took the words out of my mouth.” She giggled as her eyes slowly roamed the room before looking at him as the music became more upbeat. 

He kept her close as they walked away from the dance floor, she stood in front of Calum as he made sure Penelope was safe dancing on her own. 

Her eyes widened as she saw Jaiden walking in their direction, her eyes meeting his as she gulped, “Cal- He’s coming over here.” 

“He’s what?” He remarked as he turned around slowly. 

“Jaiden is coming over here. We should go.” She breathed as she looked at Calum. 

He turned all the way around and kissed her forehead softly, “That’s what he wants pretty girl, we’ll talk to him for a little bit. I promise.” 

Jaiden was scarily close as her heart rate sped up as her eyes met his, Calum’s arm wrapped around her waist pulling her against him as she rested her hand on his chest. 

“Ronnie!” Jaiden said in a casual tone as though their last conversation wasn’t them yelling at each other. 

“Jaiden!” She faked a smile hoping he wouldn’t remember her fake smile, “How are you?” 

“I’m good, how are you? Is this your boyfriend?” He asked with a smile as he furrowed his brow. 

“I’m great, this is Calum, my boyfriend.” She explained as she looked at Calum with a smile and he winked at her. 

“Nice to meet you Jaiden,” He stretched out his free hand to shake Jaidens, “I was under the impression you lived in Boston!” 

Veronica held back her laughter as Jaiden cleared his throat, “I do live in Boston, I’m helping my parents move out of their house into a smaller place.”

“You’re parent’s are moving? I love that house.” She said sincerely. 

“So do I but they don’t need a huge house anymore, they are having a going away party. You guys should come!” Jaiden mentioned as he crossed his arms. 

“When is it?” Calum asked and Veronica playfully shook her head and giggled softly. 

“The last week of July.” Jaiden speculated as his eyes narrowed at Calum. 

Before Veronica could answer Calum cleared his throat, “I think that’s the weekend Ronnie and I are going to Palm Springs for a getaway, isn’t that right baby?” 

She had no idea what he was talking about, she didn’t want Jaiden to know Calum was making an excuse for them not to go. She nodded and smiled at Calum, “That’s right. We just confirmed our reservation.” From her peripheral she could see Jaidens lips tighten, a clear sign of his jealousy. She hated how well she knew him. 

Jaiden’s eyes narrowed as he slowly stepped away from them, “That should be fun, I’m gonna go get a drink! I’ll circle back later.” Jaiden implied as he walked away from them. 

She looked at Calum’s whose smile was growing by the second, “Did Gray tell you about my grandma’s timeshare in Palm Springs?”

“I texted him when I went to get drinks and he told me you never took him.” He smirked before kissing her forehead. 

“If you wanted to go you could’ve asked me, I’ve never been on a romantic getaway.” She beamed as she pressed her body against his. 

“I just wanted to make him jealous. I’d love to go on one with you pretty girl. All I need are dates and I’m there.” He mused as he wrapped his arms around her. 

(Cal Pov)

He leaned against the wall as he lit his cigarette looking at the crowd of people he was slowly getting acquainted with. Veronica left to go to the bathroom and he had been ignoring his craving for nicotine all night. His eyes widened as he saw Jaiden make his way towards Calum. He inhaled his cigarette in an attempt to cover his sigh. 

“Ronnie's okay with you smoking?" Jaiden asked bluntly as he stood in front of him with his hands in his pockets. 

"Yeah, I don't smoke that much around her since she's allergic." He expressed as he inhaled his cigarette before exhaling. 

"She told you that?" Jaiden pressed as he tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. 

He nods, "Doesn't take rocket science to figure out she is. she's always coughing when I smoke near her.” 

"She hated when I smoked weed too, constantly complained about it. I found out later that she just hates the smell." 

"What's your point?" He asked as he finished his cigarette. 

"She lies constantly, I'm sure she told you nothing's happened between her and Grayson." Jaiden insinuated as he puffed his chest out. 

"I think you've had too much to drink." 

"I'd be saying this if I was sober, I don't know if she's gained weight since the last time I saw her or if the dress she's wearing doesnt fit her," Jaiden pointed out. 

He felt his heart rate increase as he tried to remain calm, “Who the fuck do you think you are disrespecting my girlfriend? I'd quit while you're ahead." 

"Your girlfriend is a slut, she can't keep her legs open to save her life. It's better you know now." Jaiden spat as he crossed his arms. 

"You're a disgrace to firefighters and the general male population. It's better you know that now." 

“I know for a fact that she’ll come crawling back when you decide to break up with her. I can’t blame you man, she’s not the prettiest girl in the crowd but damn does she know how to put it down. One time, she was taking my dick so well and I took a video without her knowledge and sent it to all of my bros so they could see how easily she gives it up-”

Red. That's all he could see in his eyes as his hand turned into a fist and aimed for his eye. His blood boiling as his heart rate skyrocketed while Jaiden fell to the floor from impact. His fists hitting both of his eyes as Jaiden attempted to get up, Calum straddled him and grabbed his throat, "Don’t you fucking dare talk about Veronica like that. You barely made her cum, she didn't experience subspace until she met me. Stay away from her," His grip tightened as he inched closer to his face to empathize, "Don't talk to her, look at her. Hell don't think of her or dream about her." He spit in his face before he his grip loosened before letting go of Jaidens neck and stood up. Sharp pains ran through his veins as he looked at his bruised knuckles. He turned to see Veronica before she grabbed his arm and led him inside "Calum are you okay?" She gasped as she led him into a room he didn't recognize as the white walls blurring his senses. 

Words failed him as he looked at her defeated because his anger got the best of him at the worst place. Surrounded by her family members, friends all meeting him for the first time. 

"Calum?" 

He felt ice hitting his newly bruised knuckles as his eyes met hers. He could see the hurt in her eyes as he gulped, "Ronnie the things he was saying about you were way out of line and I lost it." 

He looked down afraid of what she'd say next, she softly lifted his face holding on to his jaw gently. "I-I'm so sorry I ruined the night. I can take an uber home if you want me to-" 

Before he could finish his apology her soft lips firm on his as she kissed him, his eyes closing as his heart rate was at a normal pace. "Calum I'm sorry I disappeared, after I went to the bathroom my nephew was having a breakdown because he didn't want to go home." 

"Ronnie dont apologize for that. I’m not going to apologize for hitting him, he deserved it. The way he spoke about you was out of line." 

"I'm not asking you to. What did he say?" She asked softly 

"Can I tell you later?" 

"Oh course, cmere." She smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him closer. 

He deeply sighed as he rested his head on her shoulder, "At least I know your dad approves of me." 

"He already approved of you, this just sealed the deal" She giggled as his breath slowly relaxed. 

Penelope came into the kitchen to inform them Jaiden and his parents left and they decided to go back outside to say their goodbyes. Tatum and Penelope thanked him for coming and sticking up for Veronica. Tatum packaged the vegan food Calum didn't consume and put it in a bag for him to take home. Veronica was glued to him as they walked towards the parking lot. 

"Just think Cal, if you didn’t come tonight it would've been so much worse." She mentioned as she leaned against her car. 

"How could it possibly have been worse? I attacked him." 

"If you didn’t come, I would've been stuck dealing with him all night." She beamed as she rested her hands on his chest. 

"I still don't see how me coming was a good thing.." 

"You coming was the best part of the night. You gushing over the bar that you didn't have to pay for, you constantly telling me how beautiful I looked. The way we danced and didn't care if we got weird looks" She gushed as she looked in his eyes and smiled "My personal favorite? You defending me like that." 

“I wasn’t going to let him get away with what he said about my girl.” He mused as he held her hips before kissing her cheeks. 

She smiled as her gaze was fixed on what was going on behind Cal, “My parents are coming over.” 

He slowly turned around as he stood next to her as they got closer, “Calum!” Her mom cheered. He had no idea what was going on. This was the first time her mom looked at him with a smile, it almost scared him. 

“Is everything okay?” Veronica asked nervously as she looked at him and then her parents. 

“Yeah of course, we just wanted to come over here and talk to you.” Her dad started as he looked at Veronica’s mom, “We saw what happened, it’s obvious you truly care for her” 

“She means so much to me and I couldn’t let that asshole talk like that and walk away.” He expressed as he looked at Veronica who was blushing. 

“We both appreciate what you did for her, we overheard what he said. I have to apologize for my behavior the day we met, I shouldn’t have compared you to Jaiden. You are nothing like him, in the best ways.” Her mom apologized as she smiled. 

He was in shock but he managed to get out, “Thank you, I appreciate it.” 

They both said their goodbyes and Calum got in the passenger's side of the car as Veronica drove while his hand rested on her thigh. Music played softly in the background as she drove to his house.

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