#the anatomy of the femme is so good but we don’t talk about the anatomy of the Butch ok

[bengiyo]

Step By Step: It makes sense to me.

We’re taking a break from our game this week, so it’s time to get into the Step By Step discourse. Much has been said about the pacing and the writing of this show. I want to write out some of my thoughts on the gay things that are going on and how I think they play into the themes. I’ll try building off my post from last night and expanding those thoughts.

Let me say that I am writing this from the perspective as a Black gay male in the Gulf Coast of the US. I’m writing from that perspective and primarily for that perspective.

The Frustration Is Intentional

I think one of the big themes of this show is about how people are not going to be able to have happiness if they can’t live their lives honestly with each other. Almost every couple is having problems of some sort in this show, and most of them are because of their inability to be direct and honest with each other about what’s going on. Pat gained clarity with the MLM Big Tall by telling him right off. He and Put can’t be together because neither of them can talk about how much they don’t fit anymore. Beam can’t be with Ae. Ae is always fussing with Khanun. Jaab and Jane can’t be together because they can’t talk about what’s going on between them. Pat and Jeng are struggling because Jeng is struggling.

I agree that these episodes have not felt triumphant, but it doesn’t feel like that’s what the show is going for right now. They had a false honeymoon phase. It almost feels like they’re hoping that the release in a year’s worth of sexual tension will fix all the other issues. However, the world is still pressing in. Ying saw this, too, and reminded Pat that he is the one who must be strong. It feels kinda cool to me that a romantic lead who’s the more femme written such that they must take total control of their destiny. Neither of these dudes are going to solve Pat’s problems.

Jeng is Broken

Jeng broke last week when he finally admitted what’s been going on with Pat to Jaab. Something I feel very strongly about is how little care is given to boys who mask well enough to pull of heteronormativity. They are suffering quietly, but we don’t care about their pain because they seem so put together or they’re unfun. Jeng has been nursing a crush on Pat for a year, and he was confronted with the revelation that Pat has only seen him as a coworker, has thought he was straight this entire time, and has explicitly said that Jeng is making him uncomfortable.

Jeng’s breakdown says he knows how tenuous his hold has been for a long time. We all noticed that he seemed off this week. He’s barely processing Pat’s confession. He’s throwing food to the ground. He’s not taking care at work. Instead of creating appropriate professional distance from them, he’s instead planning to promote Pat past his colleagues. Jeng is not paying attention.

Beyond his interest in Pat, the only thing he showed interest in this episode was continuing to bring food to the local homeless population. We learned in the first episode that he cares a lot about food waste, and we can tell that he clearly has cultivated a positive relationship with at least one unhoused community (See @wen-kexing-apologist post for more extensive thoughts about this).

gif by @pharawee

My good sis @shortpplfedup revived her Anatomy of a Scene series to talk about the final bed scene between Pat and Jeng to highlight how out of sync they are. We also have a great observation from @grapejuicegay about the parallels between the last bed scene with Put as well. I personally also like that Jeng is making a hot mess of things because I think we need to see competent people break sometimes. I like that Jeng is messing up here because he’s older than Pat. I like that Pat is recognizing that being an adult in a relationship is going to require him to also take charge in his relationships, and we get early signs of this with Jeng placing Pat higher than him on the bed, and also a specific linguistic slip that occurred during the car scene where Pat drops honorifics for Jeng (@chicademartinica).

My man is not well. I knew he was genuinely broken when he recoiled at Pat’s suggestion that the rest of the company was relying on him. This was one of his primary motivations for returning to the company in the first place, and he’s completely lost the thread of that because he just wants to be with Pat. I think Jeng will do better if he leaves the company and focuses on his humanitarian goals, and I am excited to see how the show faces that.

I Don’t Think the Romance Is the Goal

I do think that Pat and Jeng will get together. This is BL after all. However, like with Lovely Writer, I think the narrative goals are about how the societal systems around the romance complicate the romance and make it almost impossible. In Lovely Writer, it was the structures of BL production. In this show, it’s about the way corporate culture makes that impossible within the company.

I’ve been reading the posts where people are struggling with this show or frustrated with some of the decisions on the editing floor. Both @lurkingshan and @neuroticbookworm wrote about their feelings about the lack of emotional catharsis or the confusion around the pacing of the story. I see both perspectives and do genuinely share in these frustrations. However, much of my energy has been spent on how the side plots fit into this drama and what they reveal about the main couple as our vehicle through this story.

The Role of the Hets

I was chatting with @lurkingshan last night and I posited that Beam’s role in the story is to show what happens to the people who are cowardly in romance. I also just finished Coffee Prince, where I spent the entire time complaining to Shan about the messy hets in that show. @chicademartinica already did a good breakdown of this in her earlier post about how intentional Tee is being with these beats.

With Beam, he and Ae knew about the feelings that existed between them, but Beam never said anything or did anything with it. Ae may fuss with Khanun a lot, but he’s not afraid of her. He loves her. He is happy with the life they are building and he’s the one who fathered a child with her. Jeng and Put both failed to speak with Pat properly, and now he’s been forced to run away from them. Like Beam, they have been cowards in their relationship with him.

With Jaab and Jane, both are also an example of abject failure to discuss anything about their feelings for each other. Both are pining for the other and making life choices about the other without consulting the other. They keep meeting and clearly thinking about each other, but keep creating barriers between any kind of connection.

Chot is Everything

Chot. I will be writing an In Praise of… essay for Chat like I did for Framboise. We’ve talked about how Chot is an example of who Pat could be someday (@imminentinertia).  I think it’s noteworthy that Chot mentioned that he and Krit have been struggling with the closet for eight years. Chot may be out and proud at work, but he’s closeted privately because his partner cannot share his life with him fully. I think it’s notable that it’s been eight years since SOTUS first aired, and Chot is a reminder that BL has a duty to the queers whose lives are packaged for mass entertainment in these stories.

I can’t find one of the posts right now, but I also agree that I think it would be satisfying for the story for Chot to take over Jeng’s role in the company. It felt extremely intentional to me that the Forge project was helmed by and starred almost exclusively gay/bi/femme men despite the funders and decision-makers having a weak understanding of BL and queerness itself. So many organizations rely on the emotional intelligence and availability of queer people to keep themselves running.

gif by @pharawee

I also feel like Tee wanted to do right by a character for Bruce this time. Many of us felt some kind of way about what happened to his character in Lovely Writer, and I like that he gets to be the first one to signal that the needle is moving a little bit. After eight difficult years, he and his partner are going to see his partner’s parents. Chot is a reminder that none of this stuff happens quickly. It’s been a year in the show for Jeng and Pat, but it’s been decades for some of us in the struggle for queer rights.

More than anything, I am glad that Pat has a queer friend who isn’t too much older than him to give him perspective. It’s imperative that we continue to show that queer people are rarely alone in their lives as adults. They’re finding their friends and community. We also take care of each other. Chot is not going to sit idly by and let the Baby Gay in the office flounder. He takes him under his wing at the expressed concern from Jeng.

Let’s Talk About Gay Sex

They showed Ben’s happy trail!!! I can’t believe it! We’ve come so far! These two can kiss!!

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

I really love these two jumping into a physical relationship quickly only for it to end up not working for Pat. Chot warned him that he was looking down on Jeng’s feelings. Jeng has more feelings than just his attraction to Pat, and that’s going to be the struggle for the rest of this show. Pat needs to see the totality of Jeng, and these two need to figure out what they want for themselves.

I can’t wait to see what triumphant sex looks like for these two.

Well, that’s all I’ve got this week. I’m enjoying unpacking this and La Pluie with everyone right now. Keep posting! Keep chatting! Tag me if you write more stuff! Thank you for coming to my post.

Also tagging @waitmyturtles because I feel for you and the struggles you're having with this project coming off of Tee's earlier work.

[spiritintheteapot]

Femslash Exchange Letter 2022

Dear Femslash Exchange Gift-Giver,

Thank you for offering a fanwork in one of these excellent, wlw-centered fandoms!

Some things I like (Gen):

Self-sufficiency and logistical planning. A character having a problem and taking initiative to solve it.

Stories that examine small, overlooked aspects of a world or a character. I like reading about strange ideas that don’t necessarily have top-selling tropes.

The mortifying ordeal of having to be in community (work, family, or elsewhere) with someone you just can’t stand. Petty drama and gossip!

Women chafing against the confines of their lives, and discovering healing friendships within and across gender lines, with people who also want women to be free.

Some things I like (shippy):

Established relationships, and the interpersonal dynamics that take time to arise between partners.

Partners supporting each other against outside conflicts.

Sex where partners switch between giving and receiving roles.

Sex with external vibrator use.

Verbal instructions during sex.

Stories that subvert stereotypes of butch women being dominant/aggressive/selfless in bed. (Bonus points when a butch woman puts on feminine clothing or underwear for an erotic context, when she won’t wear it for other occasions)

You’ve talked a lot about “stories”, but we matched on fan ART, not fic or vid:

You can see the kinds of art I like to make on my art blog @spiritintheinkwell​

You can see the art I think is the most beautiful/inspiring in this tag

I definitely enjoy nudity and erotic elements in f/f visual art–but please only include nudity in your gift if you have a strong level of experience drawing human anatomy accurately.

Global DNW:

Any maturity level is A-okay for f/f ships.

DNW: content rated above G for other ships (e.g. m/f, m/m, poly ships)

DNW: sex scenes that feature anything phallic (e.g. a dildo), or any anal contact

DNW: non-con

DNW: significant torture, gore, body horror; I prefer you keep the work at a lighter level than the source material

DNW: stories that don’t match a character’s canonical gender. All the characters in the ships I requested use “she” pronouns. I am interested in explorations of non-conforming gender expression (including for characters who are straightforwardly feminine in canon), but I’m not interested in explorations of nonbinary identity in these characters.

On to the requests! 

A League of Their Own (TV 2022) (tag)

I’m requesting so many ships here because so many of these baseball ladies are shippable 😍 For this, in no particular order I’ll just mention something that draws me to each ship:

Carson/Greta: The HAIRCUT! And like, it’s canon and convincing.

Carson/Max: The commonalities of loving baseball and not fitting in, looking for in-between paths in life… and the divides they would have to cross to be together. Also Pitcher/Catcher is of course meant to be.

Carson/Lupe: The rivalry… knowing they can be great co-leaders but not wanting to give up their own ambitions to make room for the other. I think it could be very cool if part of Carson’s disinterest in butch/femme roles was that she was attracted to butches as well as femmes. And again, Pitcher/Catcher.

Max/Esther: Again, canon makes a good case for these two. Esther’s experience could meet Max’s inexperienced confidence in interesting ways.

Greta/Jo: this one is all about the ANGST and PINING for me.

Star Trek (tag)

Big fandom means a lot of ships! Again, in no particular order I’ll just mention something that draws me to each ship:

Mariner/T’Lyn: Mariner likes bad girls, T’Lyn is (in a Vulcan context) the ultimate bad girl.

Mariner/Sh’reyan: I love the slow burn with these two, and their current maybe-kinda-slightly-committed situation.

Mariner/Tendi: Tendi is NOT a bad girl. Will she try to change herself because of a crush on Mariner? Will Mariner reconsider her preferences because of a crush on Tendi?

Mariner/Petra Aberdeen: Listen, she’s obviously Mariner’s type.

Uhura/Ortegas: Right now Ortegas is Uhura’s teasing mentor… but what will happen when she begins to see Uhura as more of a peer? Does Uhura already have some puppy love starting?

Ortegas/Detmer: A pair of competitive pilots. They could tenderly shave each others’ heads. Also I feel like Jett Reno as a mentor could fit here somehow.

Detmer/Owosekun: They are so in love and so in sync.

Uhura/T’Pring: I love the TOS-canon version of their meeting, where Uhura is star-struck by T’Pring’s beauty. I’m not interested in SNW-based works for this pairing.

Mad Max: Fury Road (tag)

For both Furiosa/The Valkyrie and Furiosa/Angharad, I’d enjoy works about what would have happened if Furiosa’s love interest had lived to return to the Citadel. What would her place have been in the new society? Would she have been happy? Would Furiosa? The answers will vary depending on the ship, and I’m interested in all of it.

Teixcalaan - Arkady Martine (tag)

Suggested prompts: How do Mahit and Three Seagrass’s feelings change while they are apart after A Desolation Called Peace? Does Mahit begin to write poetry again, and will she share it with her? What will their reunion look like?

The Good Place (tag)

Suggested prompts: There’s always room for more “a reboot where Eleanor and Tahani are soulmates” stories. These two can plan something, fix something, go from order to chaos and back again. The sillier the work, the better.

Everything Everywhere All At Once (tag)

Evelyn/Dierdre: Oh, what might have been… if things were different ENOUGH. Could their relationship have been even better if they both had regular fingers? What happens in the universe where they divorce at the same time and meet in a support group?

Joy/Becky: How did they get together? Will Joy see Becky differently now that she’s been into the bagel and back?

The Old Guard (tag)

Andy/Quynh: How do you take a history that has withered and build something new?

Andy/Nile: How do you build something new from nothing at all?

Both of these have an opportunity to travel from angst to hope.

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon (tag) 

Suggested prompts: During their time apart, what do Ead and Sabran write to each other about? Leading up to the final battle, how does Ead approach training Tané, who is presumably her first student of magic? (Does Sabran help her plan lessons?) When Ead comes home to take up the mantle of Prioress, how is she received? (Does she need Sabran to comfort her when someone doesn’t accept her authority?) A fic I loved from this fandom

This is How You Lose the Time War - Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone (tag) 

Suggested prompts: post-canon adventures, either together or writing to one another again. Do they have to go undercover in a place they hate? Do they get unexpectedly attached to something in a thread of time that they have to prune? Does anyone cross paths with an earlier version of herself? A fic I loved from this fandom

Emelan (tag)

Suggested prompts: When Lark and Rosethorn have other foster children after the Big Four, what is it like? Can they connect with new kids, will it be just as good? Can they connect with each other, still? What was the first significant work of magic they collaborated on?

---

If you’d like to get a sense of my own writing style, my ao3 is here.

Thanks again for matching with me, I hope you have a great time doing it!

--spirit

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[meanandscary]

8 more days until my husband graduates from bootcamp.

I cannot believe I survived almost 8 weeks without him. Was I alone in it? No. But I need to honestly stop knocking myself of the credit I deserve.

Still remember the card ride we were on when he was complaining about how dead end his job was and how better off we’d be financially if he had joined the Navy.

We were brand new parents. Hit with a fucking pandemic, living in a shit hole and feeling like shit holes. Our daughter was five months old. I had no job and we didn’t know what the next couple months were going to look like. Let alone the next couple YEARS. It was scary, dark and sometimes felt hopeless.

I remember being at home all day with the baby while he worked. Breastfeeding, watching TV, entertaining the baby and waiting for him to come back. Not knowing when things were going to change or how.

“Then why don’t you just do it?” I said. And from that moment we had a plan. I can’t believe everything started from a simple conversation and now we are at the end of the hardest part. Not only that, but we have ANOTHER child on the way.

I seldom take the time to give myself slack or credit or really admire the life I have. The things I do. I’m always concerned with not doing ENOUGH.

My husband left in May and since then I’ve successfully weaned our impossible daughter off breastfeeding. Gotten her on a schedule. Managed to feed, change and entertain her for weeks. I’m growing a human. I’ve moved out of our apartment. Dealt with the emotional turmoil that is pregnancy and being totally cut off from your spouse. I’ve done a lot and honestly I didn’t let it destroy me.

I’ve had some really great times through all of this. Like my daughters first birthday and birthday party. Watching her grow, become more interactive, silly, independent. Going to a carnival for the first time in forever. Going to the lake. Dying my hair. Going to the museum. My anatomy scan of the baby. The tiring walks we take in the mornings before nap time. The desperate nap time car rides. Going to the YMCA for swim time. I’ve done my best to enjoy all the little things. Despite it all. Even the joy of getting a letter from my husband can make my day.

But here we are almost at the fucking end! I’ll finally have a little bit of sanity back. And hopefully some more information about the future.

I’ve really had to push myself so much these past few weeks. In a way I think it was totally healthy for me to have this time alone. SO much has happened the past two years it’s insane. I never got to digest any of it. The thing about having kids is, I don’t think you ever do. Everything is go go go until those really big moments happen where it all kind of hits you. Like when the Princess at her birthday party was “crowning” her an official princess and the fact that I’ve been holding this little girl for over a year hit me. I could remember her very first cry and how it made my heart flutter. That’s when it hits you.

Or when she’s sleeping and I get to just look at her peacefully and remember the sleepless nights on my end when we just brought her home. Nobody lies when they tell you enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. It does! It’s time consuming. It’s hard work. It’s never quiet. I guess on the rare occasion that it is, you can truly soak it in.

Being away from my husband forced me to take risks, do things I didn’t think about doing before, being more organized, on top of things. In control. I mean I think we spent the first 9 months of her life not having a clue how to do anything. She was the boss. There was no order at all and we were both a wreck on the inside and out.

I used to not go to the store alone with my daughter because I was afraid of this, that and the other. I also never took the car seat out by myself or knew how to install it. Didn’t like driving with her alone in the backseat. Was afraid to feed her real food instead of baby food I knew was impossible to choke on. All these fears I overcame! I stopped dreading mornings as much and instead prepping for them mentally.

Also I started to slowly but surely get rid of people from my high school off of social media which I know sounds silly but it gives me anxiety. However when I actually do it I feel so much better and don’t regret it at all. I’m rapidly approaching my mid 20’s and it really is time to let go of the past. I’ve had such a hard time closing chapters and realizing I’m in a new one. Social media makes it THAT much harder but I think it’s even harder to break from it as a whole. It’s just unrealistic since my generation was raised on it. It’s so ingrained in me. It’s much easier to just create a safer space for yourself than force yourself off of something that provides creative expression.

I genuinely enjoy MY OWN content I just get annoyed by others. I’m still healing and processing past events and relationships. But those things were real and deep so I need to be forgiving with myself about it. But I definitely have gotten to points in the past where it’s like all I would think about. Now I’m not allowing myself to have SO MUCH dwell time. I need to live and be present. But also gentle with myself as I dont have THEE most stamina out there. Like seriously. Catch me with dizzy spells all the time.

Another big thing I accomplished was changing my name (again) legally which was A PROCESS! I’m never changing my name again. Seriously it is not worth it. Props to my 21 year old self for doing the most and going knee deep with transition but JFC was it a mess to get out of.

This is such a long post but it’s been a long summer so far.

Anyways. When it comes to genders I’ve time and time again come back to the same conclusion that I’m just fluid. A few months ago I was very turned off my anything feminine and felt more masculine again but when I get into THAT mindset I’m very one track mind. Blinders on.

The reality is I’m capable of feeling feminine and being happy in it. Like currently I’m VERY femme vibes and I’m comfortable with it. I’ve found a happy medium. Will I ever grow my hair rapunzel long again and flaunt around like I’m a cottage core princess? No. That’s just not me. Ironically enough I love that aesthetic I just know it isn’t ME. I’m way more rough around the edges. And that’s okay. I’m learning to stop trying and to just BE.

I’m excited to see how my marriage will feel after coming back together. We weren’t in a super strong place a few months ago. I always knew we have a solid foundation but there’s always so much to work on. Most of it comes from the inside of either of us. There was so much lack of being people. I think most new parents go through that but nobody wants to talk about that.

The first year of parenting is supposed to be some magical quirky shit show that everyone has a good wholesome laugh about. When in reality it’s just a flaming messy shit HOLE that you laugh about otherwise you will cry about it. But you end up crying regardless.

Anyways. The bottom line is. I’m ready to fucking move on. Move OUT. And go forward. This is just a little mile marker for me to say “you did it! you got through those dreaded 8 weeks!”

[07-02-2017-blog]

My experience with FFS. Part 1

I remember waking up that morning feeling like I had moved some great mountain. My surgery was scheduled for 11:30, meaning I had to be there at 9 to check in and get settled and ready for surgery. It was 7am. I finally cleared all obstacles getting me to this day, and I had nothing in front of me but this life-changing, affirming surgery.

I hurriedly got ready in comfy clothing, not bothering to put on any makeup or fuss with my hair which, by itself, made that day unlike others. I took whatever pills I could dry swallow, since I could not drink or eat anything for 12 hours prior to surgery. I was mostly grumpy due to not having eaten breakfast, and seeing my mom drink her coffee made me deeply envious.

To anyone who is reading this that hasn’t had an amazing trans related body surgery, I woke up that day with the feeling like I was going to some tropical getaway. Everyone is excited to go away somewhere exotic and tropical; and waking up on the day of travel, you feel very very antsy to get there, and you can’t believe the day has come. But you must make the day through the treacherous airport lines. I was so close to the end of that line.

My analogy of going somewhere foreign and exotic mirrors why I decided to go through with this surgery. I was finally leaving behind the harsh conditions of having my face; it was hard to be out in public and I was always cooped up inside, to then go to a place where my face could look inviting, exotic, warm, new. Once I had the new face, I would get to make all these new amazing memories that would enrich my life forever. I just had to face (no pun intended) a day of waiting; waiting to be called, waiting to be put out, waiting to go home, waiting for that amazing recovery.

My mom, as brave as she is, was nervous all morning. At the end of the day, one of her babies was going to be put under a anesthetic and undergo a five hour procedure. I think every person can relate to having a mother being nervous on the day of surgery. We went down to her rental car, and I left my apartment for the last time with my old face.

—-

During the 30 minute drive, I thought about of all the endings that were being dumped on me. My family was never going to see my face as it was ever again. I was not getting changes to the point of looking unrecognizable, but still, the next time I would be sleeping in my bed, my face would be changed forever.

We arrived early and I excitedly hopped out of the car while my mom parked. I went up to registration and told them what I was getting done, and showed them my health card. While the kind volunteer made my wristband, I said in a pleading tone “Please don’t let the sex say male—I am a girl!” I’d been to a hospital recently since then, and the nurse there had put it upon herself to assume I was a male. I could go on and on about that, but that’s for another time. I was there to get my face feminized and my wristband was NOT going to say male. Not allowed.

I then went over to the corresponding pre-op room, with my correctly female gendered wrist band thank you VERY much, and the volunteer there took me to the makeshift changing rooms, along with a key to a locker. I was instructed to strip down behind the dressing curtain, change into the hospital gowns, and store my personal belongings in the locker.

Now, as a transgender female, whenever I hear the words ‘dressing room, bathroom, strip down, or take all your clothes off’, I go into hyper defensive mode. I needed to take off everything?! Even the delicate article of clothing that hides my biggest shame? (Cis translation: my underwear. Panties. Whatever ya call em). I was completely naked; the only thing separating me from showing the whole pre op room my genital situation was a heavy linen curtain. I called my mom in to tie up the back of my dress (god bless her), finished putting on the dress, put slippers on, put on a hairnet, and bam! I was one girl lookin’ great for surgery. I was escorted into the sitting room. I waited until a nurse came to get my final vitals and ask me about my weight, height, and last foods/meds consumed. I was sitting in a chair in an unflattering, frumpy mint hospital gown, wearing nothing underneath. My junk hadn’t been free like that since 2015. On top of all of this, that this was when I started the Holy-Shit-I’m-Getting-Surgery thought process.

Between not being able to cover my body parts properly and waiting in a poorly lit room to be cut open, needless to say the panic was mounting. For a time I looked around at all the people being wheeled off to surgery and having their blood checked; then I thought holy shit, that’s gonna be me soon! And, because my insecurities always come out at the most perfect times, I was looking around wondering what gender people thought I was. I was wearing a gender neutral frumpy dress and my long brown hair was sloppily tucked into the hairnet. In my mind, every person that looked at me saw a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am a woman; but pre surgery, when I couldn’t wear makeup or hair or femme outfits, I was mistaken for a male.

Uhhh, that’s wrong.

My insecurities were confirmed when a nurse called me for a final pre-surgery questioning, and she continually referred to me as he-she. No, not in the offensive way that you are thinking, what I mean is that when talking to other nurses, she would say things like "Oh yeah—I’m almost done with hi—uh her, he—she is just about to go into pre-op procedures.”

Yeah. I got that for the past two years. Well meaning people who do correct themselves and respect my identity, but nonetheless, through no fault of their own, subconsciously assign me as male. And it kills me all the same.

I was then ushered into the outside of my surgery room. There I met with the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, the main nurse helping in the surgery, etc. They all reassured me and told me the surgery is going to go amazing, and that I’d be okay. My surgeon assured me that he preforms a lot of these surgeries, and everything would be alright. Well, so much for reassuring me. I was a nervous, fidgety mess. I was about to be cut open for god sakes! My brow bone was literally about to be shaved! I consulted with my anesthesiologist about how panicked I was, and he assured me that he was gonna give me the good stuff to really make me loopy.

One of the nurses participating in my surgery came into the room, and told my mom and I that they were all ready and set up for me to go in. I tearfully hugged my mom goodbye, and told her to busy herself with her various friends while I was in surgery so she wouldn’t panic. I kissed her and she told me how brave she thought I was as I walked away with the nurse. The first thing the nurse mentioned to me is how tall I am (hey, short people: saying I’m tall is neither a compliment nor an insult. It’s just a fucking statement. You don’t have to acknowledge it. I promise you’ll be fine.) Obviously this annoyed me, and distracted me from my nervousness for a split second. Then, I was ushered into a Grey’s Anatomy-esque Operating Room (yes, I know that reference makes me basic) which shocked me back into nervousness. Holy shit. I’m getting operated on. What did I get myself into?

In retrospect, what happens next was a healthy distraction from my mind automatically thinking the worst results of my surgery. And it also realigned why I needed this surgery for MY own peace of mind. All of the operators in the room were calling me “he,” and then hastily (or not so hastily, I remember you bitches) correct themselves. I went immediately into self deprecation mode. Well yeah they misgender me because I’m not wearing anything indicating I’m female. I combatted that thought with a sense of defeat and pure frustration; even operators that are operating on someone who is getting FACIAL FEMINIZATION SURGERY wouldn’t put in the effort to try and be respectful of my identity. And then I had one final thought: with this surgery, I can go outside without trying so hard to preform ‘female’ and I can still be respected and identified naturally as a girl! That was my original goal! Let’s fucking do this!

My anesthesiologist put the IV in, and remarked that I was going to be drowsy in about five seconds. I didn’t even have time to think, and then bam. All the tension left my body. I was suddenly floating on a cloud and everything was beautiful. The assistant anesthesiologist put my oxygen mask on and said “Okay, let’s start putting him out.”

Suddenly my frustration of being misgendered there of all places was mixed with my razor sharp focus to get into this surgery and complete it. Amidst the effects of an inhibition-lowering drug, I took off my mask and yelled to the room: “She, Her, HERS! She, her herrrrrrrr-“

—-

I woke up in what felt like two minutes after being put out. I was still tremendously high from the weaning anesthesia. I felt blissful and absolutely at peace. I did it! And no pain! (just wait, Sami). The nurse said a bunch of soothing shit that went over my head. I toned her out and basked in the accomplishment. I had booked this surgery all the way back in October, and waited for it to be preformed on April 9th, 2018. I moved away from my family in the states so I could work my ass off and save for this surgery.

I’m on the other side. I can now be free! And be more Samantha than ever!

-Samantha Kru 🤠👽💀

(P.S… I will post my post ffs experience, from waking up to a month later, as soon as I can! This is long enough on its own! Haha)

[trans-advice]

I am having an internal debate and conflict about changing my sex on my documents, biologically I was born femalr its my gender that is not female and sex and gender are not the same and I having trouble defending this to others because do they have a point? i will always have my biological make up of a female

While a lot of people deny the existence of transgender people, it doesn’t mean they’re right. I am going to divide this post into 3 sections: #1 vocabulary lessons, #2 discussion about sexuality, #3 links explaining how physiological sex isn’t as tidy/discrete as people say it is,

Also I Do understand the difference between sex & gender. I learned it in 8th grade & I was yay in validation when i did & i used similar language “sex is male but my gender is female”. Point being, the sex versus gender distinction is liberation & I’m glad you’re aware of it. (Hugs or salutes, whatever you prefer.)

#1 vocabulary lessons

Now that being said gender is pretty broad, so the specific term is gender identity. There’s also:“gender roles” basically it refers to division of work & double standards, basically it’s about the pervasiveness/manifestations of sexism“gender attribution” (or “perceived gender”) which refers to what people say your gender is AKA what you pass as,“Gender expression” which refers to your behaviors & mannerisms & other nonverbal communicators like clothing, and how they get attributed & fit into gender roles.If you ever heard of “butch” & “femme” those basically come from people trying to fit lesbian/wlw couples into a heteronormative/straight model of relationships. (Therefore, these terms when used properly say that these gender-binary codings are actually inappropriate.) “Butch” means masculine aligning & “femme” means feminine aligning.

For sex it refers to anatomy & physiology.

#2 about sexuality & how people talk about it:

Sexuality is totally different from gender. Sexuality is more like an eHarmony survey & discussion of fantasies & things you like in a person. However because society doesn’t want to go through 200 questions, we tend to focus on the attributed gender &or gender identity of who we love/have sex with etc.

Usually since physiological sex correlates to attributed gender & gender identity, people who deny transgender people exist would probably define that gender based grammar of sexuality as being based on physiological sex.

An example of a parallel discourse to gender expansionism in sexuality is kink discourse. I get somewhat disturbed by the topics in the education materials, but those are not my kinks. But yeah, discussions about Consent & communication & how to properly do things are pretty cool, but it does require educating yourself. But yeah, that’s the LGB side of the LGBTQIA coalition.

Basically sexuality is what you look for in partners, while gender identity is how you understand yourself.

#3 links for further reading & comments about

http://murphysoutlaw.tumblr.com/post/156363590861/gender-and-how-we-talk-about-it(Explains how there are several definitions of gender & how they must be clarified in order for us to communicate effectively.)

http://www.theplaidzebra.com/science-finally-supports-that-we-are-all-born-as-blank-slates-and-gender-is-merely-a-construct/(Discusses that brains don’t have as much of a dimorphism as generally consensused. Also mentions the antique/ancient “one sex” model of gender that says like women were just men with backwards pensises. Granted, the one-sex model is not entirely accurate, but I think it’s actually more accurate since private parts developed from the same stuff but get placed & formed differently & a lot of human sex dimorphism isn’t as dramatically different like it is in other species. CW: genitalia discussion: Like the testes & ovaries are the same root. Scrotum & labia are the same root. The 2 holes of the vagina that aren’t the anus fuse during the development of males, except for i think 3 in 1000 or 500. The prostate is the g-spot.

https://www.glsen.org/blog/6-ways-i-make-my-science-class-lgbtq-inclusive-trans-teacher(Describes how sex anatomy starts out the same & therefore gives gender neutral terms for stuff. This is kind of huge I think)

https://trans-advice.tumblr.com/post/159422880475/the-future-now-boom-science-follow(Discusses how genetics doesn’t fully fit with what we call sex characteristics being. Also discusses how different species can develop their sexes differently)

https://trans-advice.tumblr.com/post/152687957726/emo420-emo420-enderkevin13-i-want-someone (This is long, but it cites academic research, it tells about gender constructions in different cultures, goes into biological stuff, it’s a great post: a classic!)

https://sgaprivilege.tumblr.com/post/154928776786/sonoanthony-hatingongodot (A classic. Gives other gender systems throughout history. Basically shows how people claim science until it doesn’t suit them. Gives hope for finding sources & touches upon people claiming “fake news” all the time.)

http://kiriamaya.tumblr.com/post/128707247524/i-have-a-penis-for-now-but-my-sex-is-not-male (Argues the only reason why we have sex is because (our) society uses gender. Basically that sex is an extension of Gender instead of gender being an extension of sex. I think it’s kind of accurate, but it’s kind of advanced/unhelpful for people who don’t even recognize a difference between sex & gender. Granted, our society’s use of gender’s rooted in lack of birth control, but that doesn’t make it any less social.)

https://trans-advice.tumblr.com/post/153092781587/sex-is-the-same-thing-as-gender-and-it-is (This post is kind of confusing actually, but it’s a good one because it helps give insight to the evolving discourse regarding gender. It discusses how sex is made to fit gender. Granted, trans deniers who call themselves feminists (aka TERFs) say that sex is based on reproduction & perceived reproductive roles, but that in itself is still a social construction & a chosen grammar, similar to how grammar of sexuality got changed from how sperm was used to perceived gender (Discusses how if you call a body parts male or female instead of what body parts they are that it’s gender assignment not sex/reproductive physiology. Like calling a penis a male body part is gender. Technically it goes on to say how penises vary & such (the gender-neutral term is “phallus”).

https://trans-advice.tumblr.com/post/160086635255/dan-whites-got-an-issue-in-2017-science (Brief tweet mentioning how stuff is sprectrums, & the categories are made up. Think of like how “black & white” thinking is really more like grayscale so many kinds of gray. Evolution of species & languages works the same way)

https://stevia333activism.tumblr.com/post/160654062034/featherinmycapandcheese-if-i-say-hatred-of (Argues how the gender binary is racist. Explains racism is a bias of results. So like quinoa is racist because it favors feeding gringos & starving brown Venezuelans because gringos have more money. It describes indigenous peoples having nonbinary gender systems. Granted, indigenous peoples have claimed white people are appropriating nonbinary identities, but it’s discourse from 2016.)

https://stevia333.tumblr.com/post/153233156213/lets-unpack-special-snowflakes People tend to call non-binary people “special snowflakes” or even “trendgender” which is offensive because it reduces atypicality & even disabilities into fame or atrention seeking demonizations. It’s messed up.

https://trans-advice.tumblr.com/post/158930333484/the-invention-of-heterosexualityThis is a classic staple that describes how straight versus gay is a recent invention. Like remember how I went into how way back in the day sexuality was based on where sperm went? Basically this article goes into how that changed. If people be like disgusted that we don’t “fit” into this or whatever, the inventedness of heteronormativity is a good thing to comfort & empower you & heck even throw at them. Basically if we changed in the 1930s about how we talk about sex then we can do so again & we can so about gender.

Good luck, peace & loveEve

[anxietyfarm]

Spotify rolled out personalized Time Capsule playslists this week. Through algorithmic alchemy it attempts to gather tracks from your teens and early twenties in an attempt to either make you grin ear-to-ear, recoil in horror, or just wonder how they know so much. For reasons only clear to me I will now attempt to analyze the songs Spotify plucked from the musical ether to send me whistling down my personal nostalgic path.

1. Southenplayalisticadilacmuzik – OutKast – First off of all thank you, Spotify for thinking I was this cool as a 16 year old. I did not know about OutKast when this song came out. I heard about them the next year after the Source awards and didn’t buy my first OutKast album until Aquemini came out in 1998 (nineteen years ago this week). Great start though. You already know me, Spotify. 2. They Want EFX – Das EFX – Yes! I love this song so much. I’m still mad at my washing machine for fucking up my Das EFX shirt. Also, one of the only tweets I’ve ever written that got any traction is when I said that I failed my Anatomy test because I thought my knee bone was connected to my hardy-har-har-har. Thanks, Das EFX. 3. Flagpole Sitta – Harvey Danger – I posit that this is the most 90s song ever. It came out in a gray area between grunge and raprock. Lyrically it is very self-aware but can come off as self-important when you take it in with regards to everything else around it in 1997. It’s super white guy complain-y, which is the exact link between the flannel of the early 90s and the backwards red hat of the late 90s. It reads like a parody of Green Day’s Basket Case. All of this can be backed up in my doctoral thesis, which you can read on my blog. Thanks, Sean Nelson. 4. Poison – Bell Biv DeVoe – Yes. Twelve year old me did love this song. No. Twelve year old me did not understand the sage advice of “never trust a big but and a smile.” Thanks, Bell. Thanks, Bivins. Thanks, DeVoe. 5. Mind Playing Tricks on Me – Geto Boys – “This year Halloween fell on a weekend / me and Geto Boys are trick-or-treating.” I say it every year whether it applies or not. Btw, am I the only one who got the news of every rapper being shot from Kurt Loder? He told me in that condescending tone like it was my fault. I did not shoot Bushwick Bill, Kurt Loder! Stop talking to me like that. Put Tabitha Soren on. Thanks, Scarface. Thanks, Willie D. Thanks, Bushwick Bill. 6. Peaches – The Presidents of the United States of America – Okay. A rare miss from Spotify. I do know this song very well but that’s because you can hear it once and never shake it. I don’t dislike the Presidents. Chris Ballew has worked with the Minus 5 since so that’s cool. No thanks, Spotify. 7. Can I Kick It? – A Tribe Called Quest – If I wasn’t cool enough for OutKast at 16 then I certainly wasn’t cool enough for Tribe at age 12. At that age I was still begging for Hammer to not hurt ‘em. Pleeeeeease, Hammer, don’t hurt em. I implore you! I have since gotten on board with Tribe. Thanks, Q-Tip. R.I.P. Phife Dawg. 8. Cannonball – The Breeders – This is pure goodness, just instant good mood music. I never saw the Breeders live but I did see Courtney Barnett cover this song in concert. Thanks, Deal Sisters. 9. Killing Me Softly with His Song – Fugees – It was rough being a broke music fan before streaming because not only was I buying a Fugees album but I was also curious enough to buy Roberta Flack’s greatest hits. This situation happened over and over again. Thank God there was BMG and mail fraud. Thanks, BMG. Thanks Lauryn Hill. Thanks, Roberta Flack. 10. Fat Cats, Bigga Fish – the Coup – Okay, let’s get real. I didn’t know about this group or this song until a few years ago but I love it and I’ve listened to it a lot since then. When I was in that new relationship phase with this song I wrote about it online and Boots Riley of the Coup sent me a very nice message thanking me for the kind words. Thanks, Boots Riley. Thanks, Internet. 11. I Got 5 On It – Luniz – If you don’t like this song you don’t like music. Thanks, Luniz. Thanks, dime bags. 12. Blister in the Sun – Violent Femmes – Here we have our first timeline anomaly. This song was released a full decade before my “formative years” but then again young James did buy a Violent Femmes album during his formative years and wore it out. Spotify algorithms are something else. Not my favorite VF song but it’s an undeniable classic. Thanks, Violent Femmes. Thanks, Sean and Bren. Thanks, big hands. 13. She Don’t Use Jelly – the Flaming Lips – Here we have the first instance of a song I first heard on Beavis & Butthead. I bought the album after being assured in Spin magazine that it was much better than just this novelty song. I have since seen the Flaming Lips in concert four or five times. At one show Sean Lennon kicked a huge red balloon off the stage and straight at my face. Thanks, Sean Lennon. Thanks, confetti. Thanks, Flaming Lips. 14. Elevators (Me & You) – OutKast – Again, it came out before I listened to Outkast but it’s probably my favorite. No. Second favorite. We will get to number one later in the playlist. I have a glow-in-the-dark 12’’ of this song. It is gorgeous. This song was also BJ Upton’s walkup music when he played for the Braves and because of that I loved BJ Upton no matter how low his batting average dropped. Thanks, baseball. Thanks, Record Store Day. Thanks, OutKast. 15. Laid – James – I have never had any problem with being made fun of because of my name. I guess kids in middle school were too dumb to think of Lame James because the only thing they could manage to call me was faggot. There was a very brief time when this song was popular that, upon meeting me, many people would ask if I knew there was a band called James. Yes. I knew and I loved them. This is such a great song. Life experience has taught me that the therapist mentioned in this song is very bad at their job. Thanks, therapy. Thanks, James. 16. Gimme the Car – Violent Femmes – See number 12. Thanks, Gordon Gano. Thanks, referring to a previous entry. 17. You Don’t Know How It Feels – Tom Petty – Man, I love Tom Petty. This album is good from start to finish. One day I will see Tom Petty. Maybe. He has to stop performing amphitheaters first. I do not do music outside nor with that many people. Thanks, Tom Petty. Thanks, solo albums. 18. Careless Whisper – George Michael – Another timeline disruption. I did not start loving this song until I heard Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds cover it but it is perfect. Cheesy saxophone and all. Thanks, cover songs. Thanks, duets. 19. Polka Your Eyes Out – “Weird Al” Yankovic – Yeah. Give me all the Weird Al polkas you got. Thanks, medleys.

There are 36 more songs. I got some Neutral Milk Hotel, which I did not discover until the early 2000s, but In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is probably the album I’ve listened to the most since. There’s the best Violent Femmes song, American Music. There’s a few R.E.M. songs, Regulate from Warren G and Nate Dogg, Nirvana, They Might Be Giants, Digable Planets, Biggie, James Brown, Bill Withers, Old 97s, Talking Heads, Paul Simon, etc. The biggest mystery is a Black Flag song that I cannot figure out but it is balanced out by the best song of all time: B.O.B. from OutKast. Thanks, Dungeon Family. Thanks, power music. Thanks, electric revival.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Break Down The House/Get Off On The Pain (14x01/02)

Grey's Anatomy is a soap opera. I mean that's not a surprise to anybody, but every once in a while you see episodes that reminds you - Grey's Anatomy is a soap opera. I don't even mean that in a bad way, actually. This episode had a lot of great moments, and the extreme drama of them is what made them great. It also had just one or two moments that had me on the verge of an eye-roll... let's take a look.

Cons:

To anyone who's been reading my reviews, it'll be no surprise to you that I'm annoyed about Amelia. Owen has his sister back, and Amelia has been avoiding him and acting horribly. Then Owen tries to talk to her about it, since he knows something is really wrong, and she lashes out again. All last season I kept saying that Amelia needed to get over herself, and now we learn, thanks to her participation in a sex study (I'll get to that later) that her erratic behavior is actually because she has a giant brain tumor. Okay... did we not already do this with Izzy? This was the big shocking cliffhanger at the end of the two part episode, and it felt like the most cliche, overwrought thing that could have been done at this point. Amelia has been pissing me off for... well, forever now, and it seems like sort of a cop-out to blame all of her shitty behavior on a medical drama cliche like a brain tumor. A brain surgeon has a brain tumor?! Gasp. How surprising.

Maggie was also getting on my nerves a lot last season, and while she did have some good elements in this episode that I'll get to later, she still had one of her quintessential annoying moments. Nathan and Owen have decided not to tell Megan about Nathan and Meredith's relationship. Teddy thinks this is ridiculous, and Maggie agrees. She says that she was in Megan's position once, in that she found out about Nathan and Meredith and it was weird. Okay. The utter hubris of comparing what happened with her to what's going on with Megan is... ugh. Maggie. Please. I still can't believe how much she built up that whole thing. She had an unrequited crush on a guy. Nothing even happened, and he started dating someone else. How can you even compare the situations? She also spends her time being awkward around Jackson, and he spends his time being awkward right back. I'm convinced that this is perhaps the least interesting potential romantic relationship this show has ever done, right after DeLuca's unrequited thing for Jo. Please stop.

So, Eliza Minnick is gone. She ghosted Arizona and disappeared into the night after being fired. I mean, no particular skin off my back, since she was really annoying. But it's also annoying to see such a clear signal from the show that her presence was an utter waste of time. It takes absolutely nothing for Arizona to bounce back from this, and it takes no time for me as a viewer either. Eliza was such a poorly written character. Oh, and speaking of bouncing back - I'm really happy that Arizona found somebody to hook up with, and I'm actually rather pleased with the new character. But have you noticed that all the lesbians and bisexual women on this show are gorgeous, long-haired femme girls? Callie, Arizona, Eliza, and now Carina? Even Penny didn't have any sort of a butch vibe going on. I'm not trying to say that we need our lesbian characters to look like a cliche, but if they could not all be super hot ultra-feminine, that would be nice. Maybe this is a thing nobody cares about but me, but I apparently care a little bit about it.

Pros:

I'm gonna go through a few subplot elements before we talk about Megan Hunt.

April. Okay, so while I don't think Maggie and Jackson are interesting, I still kind of do think April and Jackson are interesting. They're a couple that I actually root for. I think they belong together. I like that April identified her pain and was honest to Jackson about it. As much as I want these two to work it out, for April's sake I hope she finds a way to be happy, with or without Jackson.

Arizona brings a woman home to her house and they're hooking up on the couch when DeLuca comes in. He sees this woman, and the two of them immediately start bickering in furious Italian. Turns out, this woman is Carina, DeLuca's older sister. She's actually a doctor too, and she goes in to meet with Bailey. Bailey has been having her own sort of internal feminist uprising as she laments the necessity of wearing uncomfortable heels to work, so when Carina suggests a sex study where women masturbate inside the MRI machine to study the effects of orgasms on the brain, Bailey decides to go for it.

This plot thread, setting aside the ending where Amelia has a stupid tumor, was pretty funny and great. Carina seems like a better match for Arizona than Eliza was. She's funny and sexy and the scene where she and DeLuca are yelling at each other while Arizona is shirtless on the couch was pretty hysterical. I also loved how everybody had this girlish interest in her sex study. Female sexuality is a very repressed topic, and it was fun to see it explored seriously. And Bailey getting rid of all her high heels was pretty fantastic. Ben is such a good husband - he points out to Bailey that her sexiest (and most uncomfortable) pair of heels will only hurt her if she tries to stand in them, leading to some fun sexy times.

Richard had the tiniest of little subplots with Maggie that I thought was quite fun. He's impressed with Meredith's bad-ass surgery skills, and tell Maggie that Meredith is just like Ellis. Maggie gets  a little competitive and asks if Richard ever compliments her, Maggie, when talking to Meredith. Richard says that while Meredith reminds him of Ellis, he likes to take credit for Maggie's success personally. This was a great moment to remind me that I didn't always dislike Maggie so much. If she could just stay away from the romance plots I think I'd be a lot more cool with her.

Jo and Alex. Another unsurprising fact for my readers is that I'm not super duper happy with Jo and Alex's romance as of late. But in this episode... I don't know. Maybe it was just that I know they're both in so much pain, and as annoying as Jo can be, I really do want Alex to be happy. Also, Alex told the truth to Jo, and the two of them seem like they could really make a good start out of this. Obviously the looming threat of Jo's husband is still out there, but for now I think they might be on solid footing. And kudos to Ben for playing the "new Stephanie" by supporting Jo through all of this craziness. Bailey correctly points out to him that he doesn't get to have an opinion about how Jo, a woman, feels in regards to Alex's violent attack of DeLuca. Ben agrees, but he still manages to help out by going to Alex and telling him the real problem - Jo is afraid of him. With that hurdle jumped, these two can finally move forward with their lives. I think I might like them better together and happy than I did when they were mutually angsting and pining.

Okay. Now for the main event. Megan is great. Admittedly, she's a little too well-adjusted to be somebody who's been held hostage for ten years, but when you hear her story it does make a little bit of sense. She was treated poorly at first, but eventually she was utilized as a doctor, and actually made friends and adopted a Syrian refugee as her son. She wasn't permitted to leave, but she was treated well. Her motivations are entirely about getting back to her adopted son. She has a serious abdominal injury, but wants to go with the quicker, more risky option in order to get back to her child sooner, instead of the safer, more painful option that will take much longer.

Everything about this setup kind of breaks my heart. Megan is really cool, and funny, and doesn't put up with nonsense from Owen or Nathan whatsoever. Meredith is the one who breaks the news to her about her past with Nathan, and Megan takes it in stride. She and Meredith seem to really like each other, and although Meredith's first surgery doesn't go as planned, the second one is a huge and innovative success that will get Megan back to her son in way less time.

Nathan breaks my heart. He's so devastatingly relieved to see Megan again, but obviously his feelings for Meredith can't just poof away. And Meredith is being so cool about the whole thing, stepping in as Megan's surgeon and doing an amazing job. April gives Nathan the advice that he needs to be all in with Megan, and let her know that he's there for her completely. He decides to propose, and we get another very soap opera-y moment when Meredith walks in to tell Megan it's time for her surgery, interrupting the proposal. Turns out, Megan says no, because she thinks Nathan is still in love with Meredith.

This is a love triangle, of sorts, but I love the fact that there's no animosity between the two women. Nathan has pined for Megan and missed her for ten years, but the fact remains that they've both moved on with their lives in big ways. Megan, as difficult as her time has been, has found a new family in her son. And Nathan has clawed his way back to a brotherly bond with Owen, and has found new love with Meredith. They can't just erase that and move back to where they were. And yet... the love is still real.

Oh yeah, and let's talk about Teddy. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until she was there! It was cool to see the scenes of her, Owen, Nathan, and Megan. These four all have a special bond that nobody else at the hospital could understand. I've always liked Teddy, and even though Owen was absolutely wrong to kiss her, I can see how it would be appealing for both of them to give this thing a shot. Of course, it just made me like Teddy even more that she said no. I don't know if she'll be around after this, but I'd love to see her integrate back into the story, even if just temporarily. It was so cute when Arizona saw her and immediately gave her a summary of everything that had happened - Callie left her and took Sofia and she found love again and then Eliza got fired - that's a lot of stuff to blurt out to somebody you haven't seen in years!

I'll end by saying that even though this episode had a lot of dark elements to it, it was undeniably a lighter episode than we've seen in a while. Megan is back and she's going to be okay, and all of the major surgeries in the episode were a success. Jo succeeded despite a med student dropping his glasses into the surgical field, Amelia succeeded with a delicate jaw surgery even against Jackson's disapproval and doubt, and Meredith found a way to help Megan get better quicker so she can return to her son. I'm always glad when we can get a bit of hope from this show, even if it is mixed in with a lot of interpersonal drama.

Well, there you have it. I'm back to writing reviews for this monstrosity of a show. I always forget how long these things take me... it's gonna be an adjustment getting back into it!

8/10

[brightlotusmoon]

CN talk of size, weight, clothing, past anorexia.

.

. .

OMG. So, we went to one those dollar plus stores, and there was a table of skinny jeans. I naturally chose a size up because they didn’t have my regular size anyway. And those bigger jeans, a size up, passed my neck wrap test perfectly. I got blue and dark blue, they were $20 each.

Went home and tried them on. They fit like thick leggings. No waist gap at all, it was like gloves. Felt like satin, sliding over the thickest part of my thighs. The inseam was a couple inches long and it bunched at the ankle but it was comfortable. Remember, I am four-ten. The 7/8 size even had enough room so I could push out my belly, which is another important test, to see how well the waist could stretch.

Curious, I looked at the tag and saw that they were mostly ramie, with cotton, polyester, spandex. Ramie is a freaking amazing material, I forgot it was used in pants! Cool. In a couple months I plan on going back and getting a couple more pairs, maybe two sizes up just in case.

Earlier at Rugged Warehouse, I looked at boys and men’s jeans. The 30 was the only one that fit for my hips but the waist gap was clown like. There were no boys jeans large enough. I tried a 16 and my thighs laughed. My hips are 36-37, my waist 24-26. Couldn’t women’s pants just be numbers like that? Are my numbers so odd? Numbers confuse me.

You know, it makes me think about Vanity Sizing and obsession over being small and slim, being able to humblebrag when your trouser and dress size is, like, two or four.

I am only four feet ten and one quarter inches. In my early twenties, I used to be obsessive about being the skinniest because I was so damn short. I once wore an infant tee that fit under my bust. I was anorexic and emaciated, but I was thinner than everyone, my weight was in the double digits and I was proud, I was tiny, I was what society and industry desired. Right? My college friends tried to make me eat caloric foods. I loved mozzarella sticks. My friends were afraid and worried, giving me tuna and cheese and steak. My face was hollow, my ribs easy to touch. I smiled in the mirror and wore children’s clothes.

At my own wedding, photos showed a glowing snow white dress hanging on a pale snow white bride who seemed hollow, and I barely touched the catered food. Months passed and my new groom cooked extravagant balanced meals that I ate with joy. For my job in a law firm Library I walked and moved every day and ate high calorie food. My coworkers gave me snacks and asked how I felt. When I gained enough weight to break 100 lbs, texting my friends, friends of friends would murmur “oh, look at your friend, who is she, she is beautiful, she is stunning, she glows, we must know who she is.” My friends smiled proudly.

I had filled out, no longer hollow, I was moonlight poured into round curved flesh, flourished and nurtured.

For some time in the past couple of years, I was at a “healthful” weight, or a weight that was balanced to fit me. In the past couple of months I lost fat and revealed muscle and I’m not used to it. I look at inches lost in my buttocks and waist and my mind will always be skewed and messed up by anorexia. In my younger years I would have cheered and felt beautiful, ideal culturally right, good enough to be Admired, look everyone look how small I am.

But these skinny jeans, a size bigger, make me happy and delighted. They bring me a joy better than the kind I had in my mid twenties when getting thinner mattered, when numbers mattered. My hips will never shrink to the measurements of Victoria Secret models. My hips are the hips of my Mediterranean and Russian-Asian ancestor women, strong and hearty. I am not a size two anymore and I don’t care. I’m not an actress or model who must fit into a sample size. Even if I were, it wouldn’t matter. I was and am an artists’ model, they love hips. I’ve worked for my mother, who teaches art anatomy drawing courses and I’m one of her best fluid models, my poses convey motion and power, and my curved form is fun to sketch. Mom paints me from memory, even when I was anorexic she filled me out gently.

Anyway I got off track. Maybe I got a little condescending. It’s fine, though. I’m older than I was and I’ve learned more. (“In modern Western usage, the word condescension, condescending, has a strictly negative connotation due to an egalitarian conception of relationships. In the past, the word could be used in a positive sense when a person of higher status was willing to introduce a high degree of mutuality into their relationships with people of lower status.”) A Tumblr anonymous pm called me that regarding my TMNT rants, condescending, and I felt thankful. I am occasionally wise with knowledge. Check out my sage mountain, yo. 28 years. Of course I want to introduce a degree of mutuality.

Aaaanyways. Uh. Wooow. Okay. The, uh, the skinny jeans found at the Dollar And More store next to the HMart. The ones made out of Ramie.

(Brand names are Bamboo for the light blue, Tush Push for the dark blue. They are basically the same except for the sequins. I like the Bamboo better, just a little. I need to take a selfie or have husband Adam take a photo. Srsly, no waist gap, not even for this lady with hyperlordosis. I feel like I won something.)

I think the whole point is that I am okay with the me that I am. I only just realized I am gendervague femme demigirl after all, which probably played a part. I think I’ll get my eyebrows waxed finally, but I’m not wearing a dress without pants. And I’ll never wear heels unless they’re boots. See this is why I love the TMNT. They’re only half human. They don’t need to worry about girly and manly things. Mikey looks amazing in a dress, does Donnie. I don’t know if they can fit in skinny jeans but they would rock them, think about the muscles. I finally have visible muscles. Physical therapy for cerebral palsy does me well.

This is literally a ranty ramble right now. *laugh*

[artofpeacelove]

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

I’m 32 years old, and I didn’t find out I was intersex until two years ago, after both of my parents had died. In the midst of an ugly sibling fight over our parents’ assets, one of my six older sisters called me a “faggot.” When I dialed up another, the eldest, to complain about the insult, her response was unexpected. “I don’t know why she would say that, since she knows you were born a girl,” she told me.

I identified at the time as transgender, as someone who had been born male but had transitioned to female, so I thought this was a rare moment of acceptance and progressive thought. It seemed my sister was acknowledging that I was “born this way.” As I turned the comment over and over in my mind that night, however, something didn’t sit quite right with me. So, I called her again the next day.

“What did you mean, that I was born a girl?” I asked her.

She begged out of answering, saying that she didn’t want to change the way I felt about our parents since they had passed, but I persisted. Finally, she told me that I’d been born intersex, or as she called it, “a hermaphrodite,” and that everyone knew but me. According to my sister, when I was born the doctor told my mom that I was deformed, that I would need surgery and hormones to live a “normal” life… as a boy. My mom was sent home with me but told that she’d need to return to the hospital soon in order to “fix me.” I underwent surgery at some point thereafter to remove the “unwanted” female parts of my anatomy, my sister told me. Suddenly, the scars in my genital region, the ones my mother had told me were from chicken pox, made sense. I wasn’t, however, given hormones at the time. The why of this remains a mystery, as I can no longer ask my parents to explain their thought process from all those years ago.

Despite an effort to “normalize” my body with surgery, however, I never felt as though I fit in. I remember looking up at the sky at a very young age: “Why am I so different?” I just felt like there weren’t many people like me, and that I was really alone. I was a boy but feminine. I dressed up like Belle from Beauty and the Beast and the female Power Rangers. My parents let me do as I pleased, and indulged me with outfits meant for little girls; maybe they felt guilty about what’d they’d done and wanted me to be as “me” as possible regardless. I’ll never know.

Then, one day in kindergarten, my teacher noticed there was a penis beneath my dress. She called my parents in and told them they had to start dressing me like a boy or I’d be expelled. That day is burned in my brain, because when we got home, my dad, a barber, told me we had to cut off my Dora the Explorer bob. I cried, as I’d wanted to grow it even longer, and was held against my will, kicking and screaming, as he shaved it. I remember saying to him that I hated him, and him replying that he was so sorry, and that it was hurting him to cut my hair, too. He told me it was for my own good and safety, words I didn’t understand at the time but which stuck with me nonetheless. The first act of violence against my identity took place in the room where I’d had surgery; this was the second.

In the years that followed, I was forced to conform to gender norms as a boy. The small act of rebellion I was still allowed was a refusal to wear pants. I wore shorts year-round instead, which earned me the nickname chores (the Spanish word for “shorts”). I still had no idea that I was intersex; all I knew was that the identity being forced upon me didn’t fit.

When my sister revealed the truth to me so many years later, she also told me that my parents had finally tried to get me hormone treatment when puberty refused to take hold, but that it had been too late. This revelation dredged up the memory of an appointment I’d attended with my father when I was 13. I remembered that the doctor had asked me if I wanted to take estrogen or testosterone. I didn’t know what he meant, but I told him I didn’t want to take anything. Then I told him I definitely did not want to be a boy, but that I didn’t want my father to know I didn’t want to be a boy.

To his credit, this rural Washington state doctor didn’t tell my father the truth. Instead, he told my dad it was too late for me to get the hormones, and that they should let nature run its course. Today I’m grateful for that doctor; however, at the time, I still left his office “a boy.”

Three years later, when I was 16, I began to really question myself and my life and my identity. I became depressed and attempted suicide on multiple occasions. After the last time failed, I decided I was just going to be whoever I wanted. Myself.

I left home for Los Angeles to attend the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising. There I met my best friend Johanna. She told me that she was trans, and I said, “I am, too. I think.” At that time, I was dressing fairly androgynously, because that’s what felt best, but as she started taking me into trans spaces, I learned I had to become femme in order to be accepted. Otherwise, I was just “a gay boy in a dress.” I didn’t feel 100 percent onboard with the idea, but I didn’t know where I would find a community for the androgynous, and it was community I so desperately craved.

So, I began to transition via hormone therapy. In this period, I went home at one point and my mom said something odd, which was that she didn’t want me to be like my uncle, who had never married or had children. She also told me that she didn’t like me hanging out with the trans community because I was changing too much, and because I “wasn’t like them” as I’d been “born the way I am.” I argued that they were, too, not realizing at the time what she was trying to say.

My dad had always been more accepting than my mom, than most people, and when he was dying, something beautiful happened. He told my brother-in-law to call all of his daughters into the room. When we were gathered, he said, “You are all my daughters.” It was a such a beautiful moment of acknowledgement, one that healed the trauma from when he’d shaved my identity away as a kid.

After my mom died, and I learned that I was intersex, I realized that what she’d once said—that I was born this way—was her way of telling me that I was intersex. There was another revelation in this time period, too. The uncle she’d mentioned, the one she’d not wanted me to end up like, was also intersex. (By the way, intersex bodies often recur in family trees.)

This revelation helped me to heal my relationship with her, though she was already passed. I chose to replace the anger and resentment I’d felt with appreciation for the fact that she likely thought she was doing what’s best for me, trying to save me from the fate she’d seen my uncle suffer. I chose to accept that version versus the version of anger or mistrust or any sort of negative energy towards her and my father, these two beautiful beings who raised me with minimal education. With all of these realizations, I began the process of healing.

Learning that I was intersex, however, threw my life into a tailspin. At the time, I was doing trans advocacy work, and I wondered if I was an imposter. I didn’t know if I should separate myself not just from my work but from the trans community. Ultimately, I decided that no, I didn’t need to leave my work or my community because I had lived the trans experience before learning my truth. Instead, I added an identity for which I could advocate: intersex. Since then, I’ve identified as intersex trans femme.

I started to acknowledge my femininity and my masculinity at the same time. Finally, I understood why I have some soft features and why I have some hard features, and it allowed me to see myself no longer as what I need to change but as what I already am. There had always been a fight within myself—I was too feminine or not feminine enough—but the more I’ve allowed myself to be this androgynous being, the more that I continue to harness a power that is so beautiful and loving.

I know now that my parents did the best they could with the information and biases they possessed, but I would make different choices with my own child. Every intersex individual looks different—sometimes you might have a penis and a vagina, sometimes a penis and ovaries, etc. It takes innumerable forms. When you decide to change whatever it is that nature has made at such a young age, I consider this genital mutilation and therefore sexual abuse. You’re doing it without their consent, and you’re changing their entire lives. And yet, these surgeries are happening in secret all over the United States, and globally. It’s heartbreaking. We’re not close to enlightenment around this, though. California is the first state that’s tried to pass legislation banning doctors from performing such surgeries on babies and children, which tells you where we are as a nation.

If you’re not sure how to feel about the idea that intersex people should not be forced to gender conform, I invite you to consider how imbalanced this world is at present. We have a dominant gender and a submissive gender. To me, the intersex gender can help us to balance this imbalanced dynamic. I think that’s what we’re brought into the world to be: balance. I think there’s something very beautiful about having both genitalia.

Can you imagine what this world would look like if we acknowledged that intersex people exist rather than erasing an entire population out of existence?

To bring intersex populations out of the shadows, I believe we need LGBTQIA2S+ trainings in school wherein people of different identities speak about their experiences—a lesbian couple talks about lesbian sex, transgender people talk about trans sex, an intersex person talks about genitalia. In this way, these types of discussions would be normalized, and then people wouldn’t have to pose invasive questions (“What’s beneath your skirt?”) to strangers that make them uncomfortable and uneasy about their bodies.

I believe this would lead to a healthier society, mentally, because kids, like the one I once was, will be able to realize they’re not alone.

If you are intersex and struggling with your identity, that is the first thing I’d like you to know. I would also encourage you to harness your energy and focus on loving yourself and the body you’re in, because the shift in consciousness starts with that very personal change. If you are in a dark spot, cling on to the little bit of light for as long as you can until you find a bigger light to cling to. That’s what worked for me.

I know there aren’t many role models out there for intersex people to look up to, and it’s hard to talk about this stuff when elsewhere there’s just silence. I’m trying to create the change I need but there so many against it, and putting up a fight against so many bullies is scary.

Still, I’m going to do what I need to do to make it, and that’s loving the magical being I am, the one who was born between the sexes, perfectly.

***

Alexandra Magallon is a legal services client advocate for the Los Angeles LGBT Center who identifies as intersex trans femme. The intersex population has historically been erased, rendering it all but invisible. She offers her story (as told to Erin Bunch) to shed light on a closeted demographic that’s actually as common as redheads. 

Being an ally for the LGBTQ+ community entails more than just wearing rainbows in June; here’s how to make allyship a foundational part of your everyday life. Plus, this  ten-second tweak goes a huge distance towards helping the cause. 

from Good Advice – Well+Good https://ift.tt/39Prf8i via IFTTT

[legendaryunknowndinosaur]

  No, seriously dudes. Goddess worship is the new macho

Perhaps you’ve never even considered the concept beyond watching some Nat Geo program on ancient and exotic pagan cultures. It’s certainly not relevant to our modern secular scientific Western worldview, right? Superstitious, ignorant, primitive peoples had to create imaginary stories of divine beings that govern the mysteries of the cosmos and life on earth. We’ve explained all of that nonsense away, haven’t we? No research scientist has ever produced a divine being in the laboratory, so surely they don’t exist…or if they do exist, it’s only the realm of the believer’s imagination. In other words, goddesses and all other supernatural entities are purely matters of subjective faith. They’re not phenomenological factual, they’re just the stuff of archaic mythological fantasy, right?

I beg to differ. I’ll spare you my rapturous testimony of deliverance by the fierce, yet loving, hands of the Hindu Goddess Kali. I’ll just offer the following leading statement. During altered states of consciousness the transpersonal perception of divine feminine entities can be reliably reproduced in ceremonial settings. Many such ceremonies are now being studied with modern laboratory research methods and technologies. The research is yielding surprising and compelling data. A sober inquiry into the science of goddess invocation during trance states is the subject of my forthcoming book. Again I’ll spare you the details and jargon, and get down to sharing some of the practical implications of daily goddess worship. I invite you to read on with an open heart, open mind, and a playful sense of humor.

Goddesses are Hot Throughout the ancient world there existed countless fertility goddesses that were (and in some places still are) worshipped, prayed to, and sexualized. That’s right, if you were born in a different time or place, you may be permitted if not obliged to mix the holy with the erotic. Far from being sinful, sacred sexuality has been the core practice of human ancestry. The condemnation of Eros is a relatively recent aberration. Regardless of where our bloodlines are rooted geographically, the universal human legacy is one of proud celebration of our once much less private parts. We venerated the intelligent designers of human anatomy for gifting us with so much pleasure potential.

What does this mean for you today? Well, for one, you can feel better about yourself for having that naughty mermaid fetish. More generally, you can study the various goddesses of sexuality and fertility and see if any resonate with you. If they don’t resonate, you can make up your own and put a statue of her on your altar. You can use your goddess given imagination to invoke her in fantasies, thereby giving your erotic mind some exercise and perhaps a break from a mind numbing, degenerative, and debilitating porn habit.

Goddess Worshipers are Sexy People are turned on by men who bow down to a/the Goddess. Why? The more you worship goddesses the more you develop your feminine aspect. Grace, compassion, empathy, care, concern, sensitivity, all flow from the divine feminine energetic reservoir. It’s your birth right to tap into it and embody it. No you won’t be emasculated and thought to be weak, soft, or wimpy. Some of the bravest warriors have invoked the power of goddesses on the battlefield, vying to earn their blessings for victory against the enemy. I’m a peaceful warrior and don’t glamorize combat, I’m simply stating that you can still be an alpha amongst males and be submissive to females. You could be elevated to top ranking hunk status by playing the role of a man who’s not meek, but rather is big, strong, and capable, yet in total service to the divine and earthly feminine. When you fall in and salute the alpha females, you’ll have a chance to earn access to the most elite and exclusive of erotic rituals. Doesn’t that sound more exciting than the typical “wham, bam, thank you mam” experience? You don’t need a lot of money or status, and muscles are a bonus but not a must. The prerequisite is only a refinement of character and a forging of soul in the practice of goddess worship.

Like it or Not, You’re Part Goddess As stated above, the so-called feminine aspect is a sort of energetic polarity. Think Yin and Yang, no one is ever completely one or the other. We all contain and express a dynamic ratio. In my analysis, prisons, militaries, and animal experimentation laboratories represent some of the extreme distillations of toxic masculine energy. I think we’ve seen enough of the ill effects of having choked out the feminine aspect over the last 5,000 years of globally virulent patriarchal warrior cults. Just as millions have suppressed the divine feminine over millennia, as an inheritor of the patriarchal cultural legacy, you too have been meticulously trained to deny, ignore, and suppress your inner goddess.

Here’s a little experiment to help own your goddesshood. Find your local psychedelic trance dance community and try holding on to your tough guy act while in the storm of ecstatic bliss on the dance floor. I bet you a million dollars you’ll have a spiritual awakening and you’ll never talk, think, or even walk the same way again, ever. We like to call it being “shaktified.”

4. All the Women in your Life are Lowercase ‘G’ Goddesses. Once you start to recognize the human embodiment and expression of divine feminine energy, you will acknowledge and value that, despite being brutally trampled and violently denied political and economic power. The divine feminine flows through all females by default (of course the gender binary is beautifully evolving beyond the tightly controlled 1950s archetypes and the butch-femme continuum is ever expanding so please don’t misunderstand my statements to be stereotyping).

If you’re a guy, you most likely have to wake up and exercise your goddessness. It takes will, effort, and in some cases a lot of work. In some cases it flows freely, easily and naturally without much effort. You can learn from the women in your life, in whom the goddess is generally more fully expressed. Once upon a time in the history of “Western mythology” the divine masculine, i.e. God archetypes of the distant past, were blessed by equally important and powerful lovers, mothers, daughters, and sisters. Now it could be argued that the dominant mode of masculinity not only lacks its divine feminine counterpart, it lacks divinity itself. It’s appears as brutal violence, cold hearted calculating bottom line business, etc. The first step towards reclaiming our divine masculinity is to worship the divine femininity that’s still all around us.

5. You Eat the Flesh of the Earth Goddess You don’t have to “believe” in Gaia the Greek Earth Mother Goddess, or Pachamama the Incan version. All you have to do is take a breath, have a drink of water or a bite of food, and give thanks to your material existence as a product of the health of planetary ecology. I’m convinced that the human species is a child of earth as much as, if not more than, heaven.

When you grow an organic veggie garden, you can’t help but worship your strawberries, tomatoes, basil, garlic, etc. Some of the most divine experiences are culinary. Plus when you create an ecological garden, you’re playing god(ess) by creating habitat for innumerable visible and invisible life forms. You’re engaged in the interplay of co-creation. I guarantee you’ll never be depressed while nurturing your garden. Repatriation to Eden is a rewarding life path and it can start right outside your front or back door, or down the street at the community garden if you’re in an apartment. You can even grow sprouted grains, beans, and nuts in jars on the kitchen counter. There’s no excuse not to be engaged in the holy arts of sustainable home-scale horticulture. Leaving the safety and sustainability of our food supply in the invisible hands of the centralized industrial economy has literally made hell on earth in the form of deforestation, salinization, and desertification.

Though de-emphasized and obscured by modern readings of the classic sacred texts, earth stewardship is not just a virtue, in many cases it’s a commandment. Like I said, if you don’t want to consider yourself an Earth Mother Goddess Worshiper, I’m fine with that. How about this, just make an effort to be a part of re-greening the skin of the earth. Grow some if not all of your own food if you can, at the very least recycle. The point is, actions speak louder than prayers. The spiritual practice of ecological integrity is good for paying down your inherited karmic debt, and will get you in the express line through the gates of heaven if that’s your thing.

6. Without Goddesses, Male Gods Get Frustrated and Violent Early in the history of a religion which shall remained unnamed, there was a Mrs. God. For political reasons she was purged out of scriptural reference in a sort of ecclesiastical coup. It’s no wonder her blue-balled widower has gone on a 2000 year long kill crazy rampage. Gods need love too, not just your love, let them get their freak on, and there will be peace…

7. Goddesses Can Possess You, and Make You Do Good Things Crimes attributed to demonic possession are on the rise in the news. This is a curious fact since we’re supposed to have discredited all of that supernatural nonsense. I can assure you, I believe in and have experienced the realness of demons as much as I believe in and have experienced the realness of goddesses. Don’t take my word for it, stand by for my scientific white paper and go ahead and repeat the experimental design in your own lab and we’ll compare notes. 😉

Anyway, whether or not you believe that the devil made the bad guy do it, let’s take a step back and strip away the cultural baggage around the phenomenon known as possession. Let’s try to get a fresh perspective on it shall we? We’re all fond of computers, yes? Many of us have been, or know some one who has been, in some way “hacked”. If we borrow that analogy, let’s suppose that the software the human personality runs on can be hacked into so that the hardware can be put to use for malicious activities. What if in the Bible instead of demonic possession, they called it demonic identity theft? Just sayin…

Again don’t take my word for it, but just humor me for a minute and let’s suppose that demonic possession is only one form of possession. What if there is such a thing as angelic possession, or perhaps deity possession? If you know anyone in the new age scene, you’ve probably heard enough about mediumship, channeling, astral projection, etc. and gotten sick of the all-too often flaky, unsubstantiated and untested assertions. Don’t worry, I’m weary of such egotistical self-aggrandizement, and have no interest in messiahs that trademark their hodgepodge of spiritual healing modalities after pilfering the shamanic traditions of non-proprietary indigenous cultures.

All I’m asking is that you put this notion on “what if” status for now. Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if it wasn’t just evil that had the power to joy ride in human minds and bodies. What if more benevolent beings, with better manners and ethics, could be voluntarily called upon and granted partial access to help us in various aspects of our lives?

I dare you to wonder what the world would look and operate like, if more humans invited Goddesses into their minds, bodies, and lives to work miracles through voluntary possession. If you can’t imagine it, I can help you with that.

8. When Addressed Properly, Goddesses Answer Prayers I was a skeptic of all forms of prayer until a few years ago when I started to practice tantra, an ancient Indian spiritual technology that transmutes sexual energy into fuel for healing and enlightenment. Tantra is all about ritual procedure. A core theme is the practice of worshiping one’s intimate partner as a divine being. Another theme is the art of shouting prayers from high peaks of erotic ecstasy. I suppose it’s like climbing to a mountain top to increase the sonic range of your cries for help. Whatever the quantum mechanics involved, the proof is in the pudding. It works. Try it. Treat your lover like a goddess, and low and behold, as you become one with her, you’ll both ascend in a swirl of divine masculine and feminine energy, ultimately on course to be absorbed completely into a unitive field of undifferentiated bliss. Let’s call this the miracle zone, where your intentions for magical manifestation are most powerful, and where the quantum soup that congeals into solid dimensional realities is fluid and malleable. In my exploration of these practices, I’ve found that prayers are answered both by discrete higher dimensional divine feminine and masculine entities and in a sense by my own higher self.

Just play with this thought for a minute: what if every unit of pleasure you give to your beloved is exchanged for a unit of magical power to manifest your desires. Wouldn’t it be a good problem to have if that organic farm land you want to buy had a quantum price tag of 1,000 satisfactory orgasms? Here’s another thought, if orgasms can be thought of as tractor beams that pull in the realization of your magical manifestations, and we know that female orgasms are generally longer, more intense, and more powerful than male orgasms, wouldn’t it behoove us to be more devotional lovers? Serve your goddess and good stuff happens, I promise.

Well I hope I’ve piqued your interest. This little trip into the infinite vastness of goddess worship has just been a teaser. I hope that you’ll take the next step and apply yourself to the study and practice of goddess worship in whatever ways and to whatever extent you choose. I guarantee it will change your life and the lives of those around you for the better.

8 WHY MAN SHOULD WORSHIP THE NUBIAN WOMB-MAN No, seriously dudes. Goddess worship is the new macho Perhaps you’ve never even considered the concept beyond watching some Nat Geo program on ancient and exotic pagan cultures.

[to-gay-to-functionnn]

1-150

Lmao first off alll at once painful very painful okay here we go SK”1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My ex 
2. Are you outgoing or shy? Both 
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My bed?
4. Are you easy to get along with? Occasionally 
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I would hope so 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Femme 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I hope I got all this love to give 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Um my brother I guess 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Lmao no 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My friend 
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Do what you gotta do 
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Holy, meant to be, body like the back road 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes 
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? No 
15. What good thing happened this summer? Meeting great friends 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Nooooooo
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No lol 
19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes 
20. Do you like your neighbors? Yes 
21. What are you bad habits? I bite my nails 
22. Where would you like to travel? England 
23. Do you have trust issues? Yes 
24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going back to bed 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My stomach 
26. What do you do when you wake up? Look at my phone 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?i like my skin 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?my best friend 
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yes 
30. Do you ever want to get married? Yes 
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? No 
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Arizona Robbins from greys and Addison shepherd from greys 
33. Spell your name with your chin.lmao no 
34. Do you play sports? What sports? I use to play volleyball 
35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Without tv 
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes 
37. What do you say during awkward silences?nothing 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Someone who communicates someone who knows what they want 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Zumez 
40. What do you want to do after high school? Out of high school 
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? It all depends the situation 
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m thinking to much 
43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes 
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Outer space 
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Uh still having trouble with that 
46. What are you paranoid about? Not finding the love of my life 
47. Have you ever been high?yes 
48. Have you ever been drunk?yes 
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nope 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Blue 
51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes 
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My stomach 
53. Favourite makeup brand? Don’t wear makeup 
54. Favourite store? Zumez
55. Favourite blog? I like a lot of blogs 
56. Favourite colour?blue 
57. Favourite food? Chicken 
58. Last thing you ate? Breaded chicken 
59. First thing you ate this morning? Nothing 
60. Ever won a competition? For what? No 
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?suspended, yes something a cigarette on school property 
62. Been arrested? For what?no 
63. Ever been in love? Yes 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Lmao I’d rather not she ended up cheating on me the next day 
65. Are you hungry right now?no 
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?yes 
67. Facebook or Twitter?facebook 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr 
69. Are you watching tv right now?no 
70. Names of your bestfriends? Brittany 
71. Craving something? What? Cuddles 
72. What colour are your towels?white 
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?3 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?no 
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?3
75. Favourite animal? Henry the 3rd lol 
76. What colour is your underwear? Blue 
77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Both 
78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Ben and Jerry’s half baked 
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?tye dye 
80. What colour pants? Black 
81. Favourite tv show? Greys anatomy 
82. Favourite movie? I like a lot 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?mean girls 
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?21 jump street 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? The emo lesbian lol me 
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?dory 
87. First person you talked to today? My sister 
88. Last person you talked to today? Ambria 
89. Name a person you hate? I don’t think that’s a good idea 
90. Name a person you love? My mom 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?me 
92. In a fight with someone?no 
93. How many sweatpants do you have?lmao that’s all I have 
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 10 
95. Last movie you watched? 
96. Favourite actress?arizona Robbins 
97. Favourite actor?dereck Shepherd 
98. Do you tan a lot?not really 
99. Have any pets?no 
100. How are you feeling?eh 
101. Do you type fast?yes 
102. Do you regret anything from your past? Everything 
103. Can you spell well? I try 
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?no 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?no 
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?not that I know of
107. Have you ever been on a horse?no 
108. What should you be doing?sleeping 
109. Is something irritating you right now? Love 
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Yes 
111. Do you have trust issues?yes 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My boss who I call dad 
113. What was your childhood nickname? Eggnog 
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?tes 
115. Do you play the Wii?no 
116. Are you listening to music right now?no 
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?yes 
118. Do you like Chinese food?yes
119. Favourite book? The caged the animals 
120. Are you afraid of the dark? No 
121. Are you mean?no 
122. Is cheating ever okay?no 
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?yes
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?yes 
125. Do you believe in true love?yes 
126. Are you currently bored?yes
127. What makes you happy?music
128. Would you change your name?no 
129. What your zodiac sign?aquarius 
130. Do you like subway?yes 
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Lmao laugh I’m gay 
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? My friend 
133. Favourite lyrics right now?if it’s meant to be it will be 
134. Can you count to one million? Lmao no 
135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I’m going to the movies 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Either or 
137. How tall are you? 5’3”
138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight 
139. Brunette or Blonde? Blonde 
140. Summer or Winter?summer 
141. Night or Day?night 
142. Favourite month?February 
143. Are you a vegetarian?no 
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk and white chocolate 
145. Tea or Coffee?none 
146. Was today a good day?i guess 
147. Mars or Snickers?snickers 
148. What’s your favourite quote?dead people receive more flowers than someone being alive 
149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes 
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? In bed so I can’t sorry! (via catscuddlingandyou)