#the bdd hits different and I know what that’s like

[emmyrosee]

not a chance in hell kiyoomi could lift me, but thanks for the food 😞

UHHHHH EXCUSE YOU??? WE DONT DO THAT HERE BABES, THE BOYS COULD LIFT YOU AND TOSS YOU AROUND SO EASY, AND THEYD BE B L E S S E D TO, TOO.

Babes I was like. Half asleep and I popped RIGHT BACK UP FOR THIS LETS SETTLE THIS RIGHT DOWN-

Listen. LisTEN TO ME. You’re telling me that hitting the gym everyday, practicing until callouses bleed, eating those nasty protein-heavy bars is going to keep him from bulking up and becoming hellishly strong? Because nah babe, he’s a beast and he’ll pin you to a wall with just your thighs around him no cap no matter your size.

“No chance in hell” bae what do you think this is? Are you challenging him?? He’ll take great pride in proving you’re wrong, and he’ll have a blast doing it smh 💅🏼

Listen, on a real level. I get it, okay? Like belIEVE me. I get it. But just know, on my page, everything is thought out and deliberate. If I say that can pick you up, guess what- I’ve thought of how. I don’t write for specific sized content, because that’s just. How I write, unless I feel like I need that little extra boost for the plus-sized lovins. Everyone is allowed to think and feel appreciated in their physical form on my page, no matter what.

So go out there and strut ya bad self, momma Emmy is ROOTING for ya 💅🏼❤️

[envy555]

Hey, What’s your plan with the retrograde serious, for Ari? I would love to see it continue, as it is a great piece of writing.

Hello, anon! First, I have to thank you just for asking. Every time I hit a point of emotional burnout, someone asks about or comments on "Retrograde" and it makes me feel so much better. So thanks for checking in on the fic and for your compliment! I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

Anyway, I have SO MANY plans for the series! (This will be a long reply.) I'll start by saying that I plan to continue "Retrograde," even though I haven't been updating consistently. I know exactly where I'm going with it for the main plot, but am still trying to decide just how dark and dirty I want to make the whole thing. It has to be dark because the concepts of Maximum Ride and Ari's past specifically are so depressing, but I don't want the fic to be so gritty that it isn't easy and enjoyable to read. Also, I have a million ideas for future interactions and side plots for Ari and Ivy, and just need to decide which ones I think are most relevant and engaging.

So, I don't want to drop any major spoilers, but here are some plot-relevant bits to pique your interest:

Jeb will show up soon. If you are a Jeb hater, you will likely enjoy my take on him.

Max and the Flock will be important to Ari's journey.

The Voice will be explained this time (spoiler: it's not Angel).

Ivy and Ari are dual protagonists but they will have very different character arcs.

This fic is completely canon-compliant through Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports but will include some elements from later MR books.

Also, since you asked specifically about Ari, here are some Ari-related non-spoilers:

In this timeline, Ari is 21.

Ari's birthday is April 10th (National Hug Your Dog Day, in Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Month) and he was born in Las Vegas.

Ari is dyslexic. I don't have a ton of experience writing dyslexic characters, but I've done a lot of research on adult dyslexia and promise to do my best to portray it appropriately. If anyone has any recommendations, feel free to reach out! It won't be especially relevant to the plot but is relevant to Ari.

Ari's moral alignment will shift from neutral evil to chaotic good throughout the story.

A lot of this fic will focus on mental health, so, related to that and Ari:

Ari experiences comorbid depression and anxiety; he's Ari, so his methods of dealing with his symptoms are rarely anything but self-destructive.

Ari also struggles with occasional flareups of mild body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), and his imagined flaws are all the result of how his genes were modified.

So, that's all I can say without spoiling any of my schemes! If you have specific questions, you're always welcome to ask.

Again, thanks for the note. Just talking about "Retrograde" has given me some fresh motivation to write. Please always share any feedback that you have, and I hope you enjoy what comes next!

p.s. Just as a note to anyone reading this, I promise to never villanize any aspects of mental health in this story. Also, I have a BA in psychology and care about portraying these details correctly, but am by no means an expert. If I ever write something that offends you, I want to know so I can correct my mistakes.

p.p.s. "Retrograde" can be found here, for anyone interested. I'm enjoying writing it, whether it's good or not.

[opiatemasses]

Strong men, fragile minds: Bodybuilding and Mental health

In recent times there has been an incline in exercise participation involving men and women across the world. Whether its competing in team events, going on solo jogs, or hitting the gym and getting a pump on. One thing is for certain, we know regular exercise with a good diet necessitates a healthy body and a strong mind, right?

Mental and Physical benefits of regular exercise

Physical Benefits

The NHS champion the positive benefits frequent exercise has on our physical wellbeing. For example, there is up to a 50% lower risk of type 2 diabetes, a 30% lower risk of an early death, and up to a 35% lower risk of coronary heart disease and stroke.

Furthermore, the NHS recommends how much exercise we should be participating per week, if you are unsure how much you should be exercising take a look at the below links to find out:

Young people aged 5- 18 years

Adults aged 19-64 years

Older adults aged 65 and over  

Mental Benefits

Sport England discovered that over the course of the six-week lockdown average 63% of people in England participated in exercise to manage their mental health.

A study from Kenneth. R Fox written in 1999, reported on the potential effects exercise has on the improvement of mental wellbeing. Such as, clinical or subclinical depression and anxiety.

Furthermore, the paper examined the use of physical activity as a means of upgrading life quality through, enhanced self-esteem, improved mood states, reduced state and trait anxiety, resilience to stress, and improved sleep. Click the link to read in more detail.

We have Identified the positive benefits of exercise for both physical and mental wellbeing, but what happens when we take exercise too far?

What is bodybuilding?

Case study- Connor Wilcox: Below is a link to a podcast I did with Connor, interviewing him on his experience as a bodybuilder in that social space.

https://open.spotify.com/show/2Urc8rJFr8F48hKAl6GvRp?si=MtJR6BM-RxCe39Z2iGE2Mg

Connor goes into detail about his experience in the 'bodybuilding' world. He speaks on the training methods and diets he goes through, the stigma around bodybuilding, mental disorders that are exposed to bodybuilders, the perception of steroids use in the sport, and how society is to blame for mental disorders to flourish. 

Bodybuilders and Muscle Dysmorphia

Bodybuilders (with their high masculine egos) on first glance, may be seen to be powerful, strong minded individuals and less likely to be receptive to any mental illness compared to ‘regular sized people’. Are however, just as vulnerable to the mind crippling thoughts of self-doubt, self-harm, and unworthiness. Below is a case study showing the effects of one particular mental disorder prominent in in male bodybuilders.

In a recent BBC documentary, it is feared that 1 in 10 men that train in UK gyms have Muscular Dysmorphia.

What is Muscle Dysmorphia?

Muscle Dysmorphia (MD) is categorised as a sub-group of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) that is commonly found in male bodybuilders and males that are involved in the weightlifting world. Although the disease is not discriminatory to woman as study authored by Ung, Fones, and Ang in 2000, concluded that research in this field has centred its examination of the eating disorder primarily in males.

In a study by Pope and colleagues written in 2005, expanded on the definition of Muscle Dysmorphia. Concluding that an individual with such a disorder is obsessed with a particular body part (e.g., ears, nose, hair), however some are preoccupied with their entire body, thinking it is not lean enough, too small, and insufficiently muscular. Leading to deficiency in social or occupational functioning.

The association of men fearing of looking “insignificant” or “diminutive”, when in reality they look ordinary or even objectively muscular is often correlated with distress about the body being seen in public. Wolke and Sapouna produced a research paper, “Big men, feeling small”, transcribed in 2008 examined the correlation between childhood bullying and the link to Muscle Dysmorphia. Researchers found that bodybuilders who were exposed to childhood trauma (bullying, abuse) were more likely to experience Muscle Dysmorphia tendencies.

What allows mental disorders to succeed in our environment?

Social pressure

Dr Scott Griffiths ‘Ted Talk’ on society as a catalyst for mental illnesses to thrive, explains one mental disorder that is Muscle Dysmorphia, and offers possible solutions/advice to those suffering with the disorder.

WE are influenced by the body we are exposed to. “As society places increasing value on those aspects of physical appearance that can be modified through diet or exercise, whether it is body fat or muscle, we create an environment in which eating disorders can flourish”- Dr Scott Griffiths.  

Objectification theory

Definition of Objectification theory: is a framework that was created by Frederickson and Roberts in 1997 for the purpose of understanding the experience of being female in a culture that sexually objectifies the female body.

While this framework was initially invented to comprehend the processes engaged in females emotional and behavioural reactions to meet Western societies cultural standards of physical appearance, a study written by Tiggemann and Kuring in 2004 found this framework can also be applied to males.

Let’s apply this to the male bodybuilding world

A study formulated by Hallsworth, Wade, and Tiggemann in 2005, examined whether ‘objectification theory’ could be used to offer an explanation on the observed differences in male body-image and the negative effects self-surveillance can have on the wellbeing of male bodybuilders.

Results of the study found that bodybuilders had substantially higher levels of self-surveillance, compared to the other male participant groups. Researchers found that there was a strong correlation between persistent self-surveillance and an increase in body shame and appearance anxiety in male bodybuilders, in turn exposing them to mental disorders such as Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and Muscle Dysmorphia (MD). So, what causes such disorders to infest the mind of such an individual?

Possible Causes of Muscle Dysmorphia:

We cannot say with certainty the fundamental cause or causes of Muscle Dysmorphia, but we are able to offer possible reasons by which the disorder can thrive. The Mind organisations website propose prospective triggers:

Abuse or Bullying – Experiencing abuse or bullying can cause one to develop a negative self-image and may lead one to be obsessed about their appearance.

Low self-esteem- you may become fixated on certain aspects of your appearance that you would like to improve, making oneself attach a lot of importance to how you look.

Fear of being alone or isolated- Fearing of being alone or feeling isolated from social groups may lead to negative irrational thought patterns which could lead to the disorder.

Perfectionism- trying to appear physically perfect or regularly comparing yourself with other people can lead to BDD/MD behaviours.

Genetics- some research propose that BDD/MD is more common in people whose family members also have the mental disorder.

Depression, anxiety or OCD- those that suffer with other mental health problems, are more likely to be affected by BDD/MD, due to the individual suffering with self-doubt and obsessive tendencies.

Signs and Symptoms of Muscle Dysmorphia

The Laurence Trust is a charity that supports men living with Eating Disorders and their families. The charity offers advice, helplines, and informs us on the recognisable symptoms of Muscle Dysmorphia. Please take a moment to have a look at the great work this charity does and the extensive information they provide on such disorders.

Detectable symptoms of Muscle Dysmorphia include:

Excessive exercise with the aim of ‘bulking- up’

Preoccupation with body image, specifically the wish to look muscular

Often neglecting other life interests and Planning your day around exercise

Use of anabolic steroids or dietary supplements aimed at increasing muscle mass

Avoiding situations where the individual’s body could be exposed due to feeling deficient

Obeying unconventional diets to help achieve the ‘perfect’ body shape

Being obsessed with the idea that one’s body is not muscular or lean enough

Ceaseless ‘mirror checking’ or completely avoiding the mirror

What can we do to help those in need?

Helping someone with Muscle Dysmorphia?

TOGETHER we are STRONGER

Recovery village is a support organisation that helps tackle people with drug addiction, alcohol abuse, and those who suffer from mental health issues. They have a 24/7 helpline that is open for those with the problem and those looking to support those people with the issue. Not only this, but they also offer advice on their website that gives tips on how you can help those in need.

These include:

Steer the conversation away from their appearance or what they see as flaws.

Avoid talking about your own insecurities or flaws, this could spiral into a more negative conversation.

Provide a space where they can talk openly and freely with you about their feelings.

Celebrate the small steps your loved one or friend takes that improves their mental wellbeing.

Even if you cannot understand your friend or loved one’s feelings, work on understanding that their feelings are real to them.

Encourage your loved one or friend to seek help for BDD/MD.

Recommend online therapy services such as teletherapy.

I am certainly not suggesting the above tips will ‘cure’ your or your friends’ condition, but by coming together and supporting one another we can help support those on the road to recovery. Together we are stronger.  

N0734068

For those who would like to further your newly founded knowledge on this area of research please see the academic reading list below.

Recommended reading

Fox, K. R. (1999). The influence of physical activity on mental well-being. Public health nutrition, 2(3a), 411-418.

Hallsworth, L., Wade, T., & Tiggemann, M. (2005). Individual differences in male body‐image: An examination of self‐objectification in recreational body builders. British journal of health psychology, 10(3), 453-465.

Tiggemann, M., & Kuring, J. K. (2004). The role of body objectification in disordered eating and depressed mood. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 43(3), 299-311.

Wolke, D., & Sapouna, M. (2008). Big men feeling small: Childhood bullying experience, muscle dysmorphia and other mental health problems in bodybuilders. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 9(5), 595-604.

[leelem0n]

Weight Loss Q&A

Someone asked some questions about weight loss so I thought it might be helpful to some other people. 

1. Do your nipples get smaller as your boobs get smaller? I worry mine won’t shrink and it’ll look strange. No, they stayed the same.

2. Does your FUPA (relating directly to your vagina, not your lower stomach as some associate with your FUPA) get smaller over time as well? Yes, but if you're very obese then you may need skin surgery.

3. Will a buffalo hump decrease? If it is caused by obesity, yes. If it's caused by poor posture or other skeletal defect, no.

4. What do you do in the in-between phase where you’re not fitting your old clothes anymore but don’t want to buy a new wardrobe just to have to do it all again when you’re at your target weight? Great question. I usually wore my big shirts and then bought some leggings. You may need to buy some things for work depending on the uniform, and in that case I would recommend a second-hand shop so you don't spend a bunch.

5. Is the in-between phase as hard to get through as I think it is? I’m sure some people feel that it’s a motivation to keep working hard, but I feel like it could be a huge struggle in the moment to see your body becoming disproportionate and awkward looking until you reach your target weight. Was that a struggle for you and how did you hype yourself up during? Your body wasn't disproportionate and awkward as you gained, it won't be as you lose. It's not like you only lose weight in one section as a time. You keep your same proportions but just reduce overall size. To keep myself motivated, I just told myself that quitting won't get me anywhere good.

6. Do people treat you differently during and after? I myself am guilty of being negatively jealous of people around me losing weight because I wish it were me instead, but have never said anything about it. Do you have people in your life that aren’t afraid to say those things to you, and how do you cope? Yes and no. For the most part, people treated me differently because I saw myself differently. Being really obese, I had absolutely no confidence and, like you, I was mad at everyone else for being slimmer than I was. Once I lost weight, I didn't magically gain confidence but I did stop being jealous of everyone else's body because I felt I started looking like everyone else. Me not being bitter changed my whole demeanor and made it easier for people to approach me and be friendly with me. I was a fat bitch. I hated myself and hated everyone. When I lost the weight, I also lost a lot of that anger/bitchiness, so I was much friendlier and more relaxed, meaning it was easier to make friends and talk to people. No one wants to talk to some angry person scowling in the corner, after all.

7. Relating to 6, are you treated better as a smaller person? Do you feel that after losing weight you’ve received more positive attention from strangers? Yes, and while part of it is related to 6, part of it isn't. At first, that really bothered me. I was the same person, right? So why are they kinder to me NOW? I realized that being as fat as I was, not only did I look miserable (because I was miserable), but I also realized I just looked...sick. Unhappy. Bothered. I was happier to eat snacks than I was to interact with others, and it's because I had a problem. Just as you wouldn't want to approach someone shooting heroin or lying in a gutter drunk, you don't want to approach someone slowly killing themselves with food. A slow spiral to the grave is just not something humans tend to want to be around.

8. Do you have any advice for overcoming or coping with body dysmorphia and realizing that you aren’t as big as you used to be? If you have body dysmorphia, you have body dysmorphia. It is a mental illness and will not go away just because you lose weight. I still have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I've had it no matter what size I've been. It sucks. What can help is to measure yourself periodically with a measuring tape to prove to yourself that you are the size that you really are. Another thing that helps me is to crop out or cover my face in photos. It makes it easier to "see" my progress in my photos if I remove/hide my face. This "trick" also helps a friend of mine who also has BDD. But, you know, as bad as BDD is, you kind of get sick of it. And there are days when I've started saying, "Yeah my legs are disgusting blobs of amorphous goop but, fuck it, it's fucking hot so I'm gonna wear shorts. Fuck BDD."

9. How do you hold yourself accountable and stick to the diet and exercise changes? My biggest struggle is getting started and staying on track, any advice is welcome. Two ways. First, it must be sustainable. If you, say, go on the Cabbage Soup Diet, yeah you're not going to be able to keep that up. If you find a rigid diet plan that has foods you don't normally eat while also cutting out foods you culturally enjoy, no, you won't stick to it. You need a sustainable meal plan that has enough variety and wiggle room to accommodate a normal life. Second, it's just logic. I can't use "motivational images" or videos. I just tell myself, "If I quit now, I won't make the progress I want." It's simple but it works. Another thing is, "Yeah, the pizza would taste good but that's a lot of running to get rid of it. Am I ready to do that?" If so, then yeah, have the pizza. But once you start seeing foods as "This will help me reach my healthy goals" vs "This will slow my progress", the choice becomes much easier.

10. Does your sex life change, negative or positive? Does your partner or hookup care about any loose skin? Most people don't really give a shit as long as they get to have sex haha It sounds kind of crude, but that's the truth of it. If you have a lot of loose skin, it might be a good idea to forewarn them so they don't jump back out of surprise (not disgust), but that's about it.

11. Is it possible for the tightness or elasticity of your vagina to change when you lose weight? Or your ability to get wet and finish? So this is an interesting one. I noticed that I had to do more kegels because there wasn't as much fat "pushing" on the vaginal walls, if that makes sense? As for wetness and orgasm, no, it's the same.

12. What do you do if you reach your target weight and don’t like the way you look? What if you preferred your larger self to your smaller self? I will never, ever, ever, ever prefer my larger self. Ever. I can't imagine you would, either, especially with BDD. So, yeah, I got BDD, I'm gonna hate how I look no matter what, right? But the feeling is very, very different. Even if I hate how I look because of BDD, here are all the reasons I prefer being smaller:

I eat less food, so I save money. If I eat out, I can be satisfied with half the meal and then I have the other half later...two meals for the price of one.

I can move around!! I don't have to LURCH off the sofa to get up. I'm not struggling for breath after walking up three stairs. I can easily walk around when I'm on vacation...and walk all day...and not be aching and drained of all energy

It's way, way easier to buy clothes, even buying online is easier. Cheaper, too! Plus, there are way more styles to choose from.

My feet aren't always aching. My back isn't killing me constantly. I don't have that 24/7 low-grade headache+nausea combo. I have medical issues unrelated to previous obesity, and it's way worse if I'm heavier

I can breathe more easily in any position. I don't have to stop breathing to tie my shoes!

I'm at a lower risk of heart disease, stroke, cancer, etc...which is important to me since I'm already at a higher risk of stroke and cancer (for unrelated reasons).

If I suddenly have a medical emergency (hit by a car, suddenly collapse for some reason), I don't have to worry that bystanders can't move me. When I was at my heaviest, it would have taken at least two VERY strong people to try to lift and move me, but more likely four average people (or more) to try to move me. Now, I can be easily moved if in an emergency

So I hope you can see that even if you still hate your appearance, it's way better having lost the weight.

13. How does extreme weight loss affect tattoos? do they shrink or become distorted at all? It depends on where they're at. Mine were on my arms mostly, and I'm pear-shaped so even with skin surgery it never affected my arms. Sorry, I can't answer this from experience.

14. Is it easier to shave as the surface area decreases? 1000000000% easier to shave and wash. Not only is there less area, but you don't have to dig under your folds.

15. This one is very specific, but do your ankles become smaller? I feel like my ankles are big but the bone and tendon seem to be the same size, so I worry that my ankles will stay big as my legs get smaller and then it will look weird. Your bones don't change in size, so if your ankle bones are big then it's likely you're "big boned" in general and will look proportional. But, even if you just happen to have, like, super big ankle bones, I guarantee that you'll prefer being slimmer with big ankles than your current self. I did this, too, I tried talking myself out of weight loss because "What if I don't like how I look after?" and no no no do not talk yourself out of it.

16. Do you have any areas of your body that seemed to not change or lose weight? Where, and does it bother you/seem disproportionate? I'll bring up my arms again. Granted, I do a lot of weight lifting and my arms are more muscular than average, but they do look disproportionately larger, which would be okay if they had more definition. BUT, I also have BDD and other people have told me that my opinion of my arms is all in my head. Again, it doesn't bother me enough to say, "Oh, damn, I should just regain allllll that lost weight so my arms look smaller by comparison."

17. For those who have had their excess skin removed, are you satisfied with the surgery outcome? I’ve been finding that most surgeries make the body look very boxy and shapeless, which has scared me away from it. Do you think it depends on the surgeon, or is that just the way it comes out regardless? This is a great question. The fact of the matter is we fucked up. We stretched out the skin. It'll never, ever look "normal" again. Ever. And we have to accept that. I didn't realize that, so when I got skin surgery I was really disappointed that my legs looked the same-but-smaller. But I had to realize it was my fault, not the fault of the surgeon. You will almost certainly never look "normal", but you won't look, like, freakish if that's what you're afraid of. The only reason you worry about this is because you're fixated on the body (same as me), but for the average person they honestly can't even tell.

18. Does extreme weight loss have any effect on your hair, positive or negative? Body hair, positive or negative? I wouldn't say it's the weight loss that affects hair but more your dietary change that causes weight loss can also affect your hair. If you're just cutting calories and eating poorly, you'll lose a lot of hair luster and it may fall out. But if you're cutting calories and eating healthy foods, you should notice an improvement in your hair quality.

19. Do you feel colder more often? Does it become harder for you to warm up? Do you sweat less often? I feel colder more often because I'm not covered in a layer of blubber anymore...so I feel colder like any other person would feel cold. It's not harder to warm up, and I sweat less often but I'm still a sweaty person. I just don't sweat aaaaalllll dayyyy lonnnggg like I did when I was obese.

20. What tips did you learn along the way that made it easier that you wish you would have known from the beginning, if any? I think it's mostly a perspective thing: weight loss won't get rid of BDD, eating to lose weight is more important than exercise (but you should exercise for physical fitness), and skin surgery removes excess skin but won't return my body to pre-obesity appearance. Other than that, keeping track and being honest with myself...if I'm eating something, I have to be accountable. I can't say, "It's just a little bit" or "It's not that many calories". I became obese by blindly consuming food, so I can't lose weight by turning a blind eye to some foods I eat.

If this has prompted any of you to ask another question, feel free to do so!

[rahabs]

How are you staying active during quarantine? I just tipped into 180lbs, highest I've ever been, and I'm getting really depressed about it 😔 I've only gained about 7-8 pounds due to the quarantine, but back in January I was at 163, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm back up again after how hard I've been working. It feel like I can't get the weight to stay off, now esp. (Sorry for the mini rant, but I actually followed you Bc of your fitness posts, I appreciate them a lot

Many hugs to you, Anon, and there is no need to apologise 🖤  You are definitely not alone.  I have also been struggling a lot with my weight recently (I have deliberately been putting on muscle, about 25lbs of it, but it is still a struggle to do so and to feel sometimes like my work getting down from 210lbs is being reversed--I am up to 145-150lbs myself, even though I still fit most all of my clothes from when I was 122lbs), but please do not be too hard on yourself!  Some of that weight gain might be muscle, but I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be nonetheless, I really do.  Like... I really, really cannot emphasise enough how much I understand and how much I get what you’re going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through it, because it hurts and it makes you just feel awful and so I am really and truly wishing you all the best right now, but also I have the utmost faith in you and despite the setback it is nothing that you cannot fix going forward 🖤

To answer your question, I’ve been doing a mix of things, but the two biggest things for me are that I built myself a routine, and I try to just walk everywhere that I can.  Also, I track in an app called MyFitnessPal, because I need to hold myself accountable.  The gyms in my city have recently opened back up and I have usually been going five times a week (reduced capacity and you can only go for an hour, but I use every second of that hour because cardio is how I best manage OCD/PTSD/anxiety, and I love love love seeing some beloved familiar strangers at the gym--we all wave happily to each other, since we tend to book the same time slots 🖤), but before they opened up my biggest friend was just walking.  I have a lot of joint issues due to my improperly healed torn hip flexor and my former obesity, so I can’t run, but you don’t need to run.  Walking is your best friend.  Or even household chores.  I used to work for a landscaping company, so when I can I will help with the yardwork (even though I dislike it--I try to find ways to make it more fun, and I genuinely enjoy being out in the sun, so there’s that at least).  I make sure things stay tidy, I’ve been writing a lot and trying to see friends when I can, or get out to hike in the mountains.  If I go grocery shopping and I’m waiting in a line, sometimes I’ll lazily bicep-curl my grocery bags.  I’ll walk to the mailbox, I’ll walk through the neighbourhood, I’ll walk to the grocery store or to the nearest gas station.  My dogs are old so I cannot walk them anymore, especially since we are under a heat wave, but I’ll get up and play with them.  Bottom line: if I could find somewhere to walk and an excuse to walk there, I would.  When I couldn’t, I would sit down and exercise by following my favourite home workout YouTube channel.  (Seriously, she is amazing; I’ve followed her for years, since her channel was just starting out.  I just got a half-sleeve tattoo and cannot use a lot of gym equipment at the moment so I have gone back to her videos, as she provides a lot of modifications and alternatives and just so many good at-home exercises that you don’t need any fancy equipment for.)

The routine is the most important part, though.  I need structure, and if I have structure I find that I am less likely to binge, because my brain won’t freak out as much (whether out of boredom or something else).

You might know this already but I’m a (recovering) binge-eater and I also eat when bored or stressed, so I’ve just been trying to occupy myself with things other than food.  I had a really bad spot for awhile where I was doing really, really poorly in that department an binged every day, but I finally put my foot down last week and this is the longest that I’ve been binge-free in months.  I also have BDD, which I am working on (hard going when my attempts to ask the people around me for help often fall on deaf ears).

I think it’s important to realise that fitness and weight loss isn’t always linear.  There will be times where you falter and stumble and when that happens it’s important not to punish yourself--instead just accept and acknowledge that it’s happened and adapt for the future.  Like a little AAA battery!  Bodies are also weird, and sometimes they react to things strangely.  I’m not a professional in any way, but since working to put on some muscle I have noticed that women’s bodies at least like... they are strange things sometimes.   And I know it sounds weird, but try not to put too much emphasis on a number on the scale.  I’m not saying “get rid of the scale!” or “smash the scale!” or anything silly like that because I think to some people having the scale is really important, so long as it doesn’t become something obsessive you fixate on (I have severe OCD, professionally diagnosed, so easier said than done, but it’s doable by adding it to the routine and picking one day a week where I check in), but make sure it doesn’t become a focal point of your weight loss.

Instead, just notice how your clothes are fitting.  If you have body tape, you can use that too.  Pick a favourite pair of jeans and just see how they fit over time, or a favourite bra, or something that doesn’t stretch as easily as yoga pants.  Again, some of your recent weight gain might actually be muscle mass, especially if you aren’t noticing a lot of change in how your clothes from January fit.  When I first hit 145lbs when I was first losing the weight, I didn’t look like I do at my current 145-150lbs, after having got down to 120 and then making the decision to put some muscle back on.  Save for some jean shorts that I bought at my lowest weight, because I build thick muscles in my thighs, I still fit all the clothes I bought and wore at 120lbs--including my fitted dresses, my Stampede jeans, most of my bras, and the pair of “check Lulus” I bought because those things are without mercy.  I also have a couple really good friends I check in with who know me and who I can trust to tell me the truth when I cannot perceive it myself.  And, when I’m being honest with it (which I am trying really hard to be again), I have MyFitnessPal, which has been with me through thick and thin.

If you can, I would recommend a good fitness tracker, too.  Fitbit is really good and user-friendly.  I have a Garmin now, because Fitbit doesn’t make adult watches or watch bands small enough for my ridiculous baby bird wrists, but I had my Fitbit for years before that and it saw me through the vast majority of my weight loss/fitness quest.  It can be very helpful to just help you gauge where you are; most people grossly overestimate how active they actually are, and if you’re up for it, a tracker can be helpful in giving you empirical data from which you can base some better decisions around.

And just do you best to stay active.   I do not know if you have any gyms where you live or if they’re open, but I would really recommend getting a membership, though I totally understand that gyms are not for everyone.  If not, I really do recommend checking out that youtube channel I linked (Koboko Fitness), and just doing your best to walk wherever there’s the option to walk (and it won’t cause undue hardship/pain/etc).  Lift some boxes around the house.  Turn doing the dishes into a stretching exercise.  If you’re familiar with yoga, do yoga (I do not because I am not familiar with it and it can be dangerous to people like me with joint issues to start if you don’t have anyone around who can tell you if you’re doing it right, but my younger sister is working on a cert and she does yoga daily, even with the baby bump).  Many gyms are offering online classes right now too, including the gyms I go to (GoodLife Fitness in Canada), so they can be worth checking out too!

But also just know you’re not in that boat alone.  Many people are struggling right now, including myself, so if you ever need to chat my inbox and my DMs are always open (and I can toss my Discord handle out too if that helps), because a support system can really make all the difference.  I never had one for the longest time, and so when I fell back on old, bad habits it took me awhile to pull myself out of it (again).  I really can talk about this forever but I will stop myself now because I am a chatty cathy but!  Please feel free to send messages whenever you want, Anon, and please be kind to yourself!  I know it’s scary and I know it’s disappointing because I have been there many a time but you can do this, I believe in you!  You’ve had a setback but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed/corrected and I have faith that you will be able to get back on the proverbial horse and mow down Alexander’s armies in a way that would make the Achaemenids proud 🖤 I hope this helped in some way and that I was able to answer your question!

[recoversuggestions]

I have bdd and I don’t know how to deal with it at all.. I either can’t stop looking at myself in any kind of reflection or I avoid mirrors all together and I hate going out and being seen. It’s getting so bad that I’m contemplating suicide or just looking in the mirror & crying. I was starting to get better until recently when this girl, who I did nothing to to provoke started calling me an ‘ugly rat’ and attacking me at school, and it just took me back to my elementary yrs being called ugly.

Hi there, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through these problems with self hate and dysmorphia- as well as being bullied; I’ve been through a similar situation and I know how much it hurts! 

Please remember that your dysmorphic thoughts and the cruel things others say to you are not reflective of who you really are or how you look. Bullies like this girl tend to pick up on what people are insecure about and use that to hurt them more, so the fact she’s saying this isn’t at all grounded in reality, she just is looking to hit you where it hurts most. 

If it’s possible to tell an authority about what she’s doing, that would be ideal (especially if you’re already experiencing suicidal thoughts because of your bdd!!) because while people like that are best ignored until they realize their words don’t have power on you and give up, I understand that’s not always possible if you’re already feeling really awful and insecure. If you’ve got a teacher you really trust, a school guidance counselor, or another adult you can turn to, try and talk to them about what you’re going through with yourself and also with your bully, and don’t gloss over the fact that you’re experiencing suicidal ideation- it’s really important you get help for that!

BDD is best treated with therapy, and additionally by avoiding negative body language and beauty culture; while in our society doing that completely isn’t possible, what has helped me is avoiding fashion magazines/blogs/etc. unless they include a wide variety of people with different appearances, things pertaining to diets, makeup and skin improvement, and looking at websites and books dedicated to body positivity and learning to accept your body as it is. 

I know that’s easier said than done, and can be a really challenging way to think if you’ve lived with self-image and esteem problems for a long time, which is why I think therapy or support groups would be great for you. If you can’t get a therapist, look into social media groups or other social groups dedicated to learning self-acceptance and body positivity. 

Please remember that the things that a bully says to you, or your mental illness says to you, aren’t at all the truth and you can get better again! -K

[alexwinfield-blog1]

ASOS: A Surveillance Of Size

ASOS (AsSeenOnScreen). Where do we begin?

If you were like me, it may have just been brought to your attention that ASOS can be translated into this acronym. In fact, many customers of the brand are not aware of this.

ASOS is an online British fashion and cosmetic retailer, which was founded in 2000. Selling around 850 brands and shipping to over 200 countries worldwide.

For me, ASOS is my holy grail online shopping outlet. If I’m bored? You’ll find me scrolling through ASOS. Distracted in a lecture? (shameful, I know). I’ll probably be weeping at the expense of all the items in my ‘saved items’ list. In desperate need of something to wear for a night out? ASOS will sort me out, for sure.  And the wedding I haven’t been invited to yet? You’ll always find me admiring the pretty dresses. 

What I love about ASOS is that they have such a broad range of clothing, from swimwear to fancy dress inspiration, and even HOMEWARE. You can’t go wrong.

I suppose I could be described as a ‘serial scroller’ when it comes to online shopping. An innocent addiction which quite frankly my bank account takes the hit from. Time. And. Time. Again.

It is almost like ASOS knows how much I want that new summer co-ord with pretty flowery detailing from the latest “summer range drop”, saved in a size 8. And I suppose they also know how many times I’ve put that sparkly pink jumpsuit into my basket, and how long I spend staring at the total before coming to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, £150 is too much to spend on one item of clothing that I’ll probably only wear once, and then Depop later in the year.

You mean they do know?

Damn right! Your edit is where we have put together a collage of your top pics.

You mean they purposefully target my Instagram and Facebook feed with my saved items (or similar) in order to entice me to go back and purchase them?

Oh yes. Subtle, right?

What about my sizing? Surely they haven’t got that figured out too?

Correct! We know you usually fit into a size 8 in tops, an 8 in trousers/skirts and well, jumpers? 12-14. We know you love them oversized!

So, what you’re saying is, I just need to enter my details of my preferred payment method and that’s it?

No way! We aren’t time wasters. We’ve remembered your card details from before (and your boyfriend’s, just in case he ever feels like being extra generous again). No faffing around here.

If you think you’re that smart, what about my delivery address? This girl travels…

No problem. So, you’re normally in Reading, right? We mainly deliver there, but it seems your impulsive purchasing isn’t just restricted to Reading. Because of this, we’ve saved your home address for these occasions. Oh, and when you’re desperate and no one is home. Your mum’s work isn’t shy of a few parcels every now and again, is it?

As demonstrated in the narrative above, ASOS are well and truly the experts at keeping check of our online shopping activity. However, it is important to use the phrase “keeping check” loosely, as the proper term for this type of behaviour analysis can be defined as “surveillance capitalism”. By storing information such as our addresses, card details and most frequently searched items, ASOS is able to create a more efficient process of online shopping for its consumers, meaning that online shopping can be as easy as 1 (finding the items you like), 2 (purchasing these items), 3 (having them delivered to your doorstep).

Lehtiniemi (2017) outlines that “surveillance capitalism encompasses mass dataveillance”, which aims to “regulate and govern” behaviour of individuals engaging in a specific platform, such as the likes of ASOS. Within this platform, technology developers have the power to turn people from “data sources” into “active data subjects”, however at the same time promise to “empower people to take control of processing of personal data”. Here, it could be argued that it perhaps isn’t the case that customers of ASOS are in control of their personal information, in the way that this information is extracted in order to manipulate the routine behaviour of its customers through “targeting” and “personalisation”. Despite ASOS encouraging its customers to give their personal information away in order to receive a better service, ultimately, this is a “profit-turning” exchange which benefits the back pockets of the technology developers within ASOS. This digital economy therefore extracts any personification of these individuals, essentially transforming them into “quantified data”.

So, when we receive emails such as “happy birthday! Here’s a 10% off code” or advertisements on our Facebook feeds, could it be argued that at this point we are no longer viewed as human beings behind a screen? Or a respected customer of ASOS? Are we just contributing to the database of numbers? Numbers which contribute to the “datafication” as well as their profit margins?

When ASOS revamped their website in late 2018, personally, it came as a shock to me that out of nowhere, ASOS seemed to know my sizing, and this fluctuated for different types of clothes, so I was impressed that it could recommend all these different sizes. However, what baffled me the most about this concept was that I had never given ASOS any of my measurements. But this was the thing. It was then that I realised that ASOS was pretty much guessing my size on each occasion, and it just happened to be that 9 times out of 10, they matched the size I would most likely buy. UNTIL… when writing this, I checked again.

So, you want to buy this dress?

Let’s say you’re a new customer to ASOS. You haven’t ordered from there before and you average around sizes 8-10 in most items of clothing. You aren’t aware that in order for this sizing match feature to be most effective, you need to enter not only your ‘tummy’ measurements, but your bust, waist and lower hip (whatever that’s supposed to mean). However, you are often very conscious of your body shape, regularly feeling like summer clothes like this will look silly on you. Nevertheless, feeling confident that you can definitely rock this look, you click ‘add to basket’. But not too fast! Before ASOS holds this in your basket for you, you are faced with a size recommendation. Oh, a size 12. You’ve never bought a dress in a size 12 before and you feel slightly bemused. You love things to be oversized, but not a DRESS? This knocks you back even further, resulting in you feeling even more body conscious than you did before.

This can be deceiving until you enter your personal details. As someone who doesn’t keep track of their weight, when entering my details to demonstrate this feature, I was surprised to feel extremely vulnerable. Who is seeing this information? And how will it be used? 

And this was the outcome...

The point I am trying to make here is that this feature can either make online shopping a hassle-free, more efficient process, or alternatively in some cases, a very daunting and humiliating procedure. Here’s why. In today’s society where women and men often find themselves being defined by their appearance, I was left feeling what I can only describe as frustratingly stunned when Victoria Secret welcomed Barbara Palvin as their new ‘plus sized’ model to their ‘Angel’ community.

You can make a judgement for yourself about whether you agree to this label of ‘plus sized’.

Although an extreme link, which may only apply to very few of ASOS’ customers, it is estimated that 1.7% to 2.4% of the world’s population suffers with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). That’s 1 in nearly every 50 people. This disorder is characterised by negative thoughts about one’s perceived flaws, which burdens them every day. These thoughts have potential to interfere with the daily functioning of one’s life, leaving them feeling extremely distressed, often resulting in isolation from friends and family in fear that people around them may notice these ‘flaws’. However, the reality of this disorder is that no amount of convincing or reassuring can encourage someone to believe that these thoughts are irrational, and that no one else is thinking the same as them.

So, despite ASOS asking for your age, your height and your weight, with the innocent intention of improving your online shopping experience through a more personal approach, why can shopping online now feel as though we are having a routine check up at the doctors every time we sign in? Is it essential that ASOS withholds all of this information about us? It is unearthly that a computer calculates these numbers every time we want to do some shopping?

I took to Twitter to see what people thought about this new size recommendation feature, and this is what I found:

What do you think?

Has this sizing feature hindered or enhanced your shopping experience with ASOS?

References:

Lehtiniemi, T. (2017). Personal data spaces: An intervention in surveillance capitalism. Surveillance and Society, 15 (5), 626-639.

Cherrington, R. (2017). ASOS Is Guessing What Size Its Customers Are, And They're Not Happy About It. Retrieved from: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/asos-size-recommendation_uk_58871c69e4b02085409924c3

[mouseblob]

Intrusive Thoughts

" An intrusive thought is an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing< and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. When such thoughts are associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), and sometimes attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), the thoughts may become paralyzing, anxiety-provoking, or persistent. Intrusive thoughts may also be associated with episodic memory, unwanted worries or memories from OCD, posttraumatic stress disorder, other anxiety disorders, eating disorders, or psychosis. Intrusive thoughts, urges, and images are of inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and generally have aggressive, sexual or blasphemous themes. "

Today I am going to talk about my experience with intrusive thoughts. Some of my thoughts could be triggering to others, I will put " * " around thoughts so you can read at your own risk.

 One thing I need to say from the start is you are not your thoughts, thoughts are totally separate from reality. Just because you think of something does not automatically mean you will act on it. 

 Intrusive thoughts affect me most when I am upset or angry, but do randomly happen at weird times like when i'm doing homework or laying in bed. I am transgender ( ftm) ,experience dysphoria, have anxiety and a past of self harm. ( I show symptoms of having anger issues but I don't officially include this because I am not diagnosed and may just have a bad temper). I am mentioning this because its some of the reasons that help me understand why I have the thoughts I do. I never talk about this because im afraid people will think of me differently and see me as dangerous. But I am talking about this today because I don't want people to think they are alone and the only ones going through this.

Most of my thoughts include self harm, strange sexual thoughts, harm towards others and " what ifs".

** Some of the self harm thoughts I have include burning myself when im holding a lighter, breaking my bones, stabbing my hand with a pencil and hitting my head. I have never acted on these thoughts and have been clean from self harm for a year.

** I am not a sexual person at all, I mean I make jokes but I am still unsure if I ever want to engage in sexual activities so even the simplest thoughts of being intimate with someone that Im dating make me uncomfortable.

** I do have a bad temper, I can become irritated very easily but I never am and do not plan to be aggressive towards others unless its for self defense, so these thoughts would ever be actions. I will have the certain thoughts of putting myself into a fight and harming someone if they make sudden noise.

**What I mean by "what ifs " is asking myself if I actually feel a certain way about something and if I actually did something. * examples * 1. I will consistently worry if im actually transgender even when im diagnosed with dysphoria. 2. I will walk out of the house and have to check if I actually locked the door 3. At night I will not trust myself that I finished homework and plugged my phone in to charge.

**One of the most recent experiences I had with intrusive thoughts is when I was shopping. I was in an aisle looking for an item on a shelf, there was very few people in the aisle so there was no need for anyone to bump into eachother. I know that being touched unexpectedly even in the slightest makes me irritated, that's why I chose to go in this aisle because it seemed like I could steer clear from anyone else. I was standing there near the shelf closely so I wouldn't be in anyone else's way while I checked what else I needed from my list when a woman bumped into my shoulder lightly, she was polite and said sorry but my mind still reacted in red and had the thought to punch her. I said no problem quickly and rushed out of that aisle moving to a completely quiet one where I could calm down. I knew I wouldn't hurt anyone but when im in those type of mindsets I always doubt my self control.

Some videos that I recommend that talk about intrusive thoughts is ' my weird OCD thoughts' by nihaokaili ( link here) https://youtu.be/3hTtkh_Gs1c and ' what are intrusive thoughts" by Kati Morton ( link here) https://youtu.be/Mz7xVjo57ik.

I cope with these thoughts by listening to music, drawing, talking to friends, petting my cat, cleaning, really just anything to distract myself from not processing the thought.

I hope this was found interesting or helpful.

[hiedisorney1972-blog]

Some moves have sour and sweet spots, (similaiar to critical hits) you will get different amounts of knock back with each, but if you know where your opponent is going to be it will make following up that much easier. Also you may notice people saying DI on the sub, that stands for directional influence, when your being hit you can control your character's movement still, you can use this to fight against the knockback of big moves, or ride the momentum of small ones to get out of opponents strings. I could go on forever but last tip is that at low percent it is easier to combo and rack up big damage, make sure to get a big bread and butter combo under your belt so that when you start fresh you can get big damage.. Your Dexterity will be too high to make Leather Armor useful beyond a certain level and Bracers of Armor and excellent Robes are readily available. Take Arcane Bond rather than a familiar. The ability to call up a used spell again is a lifesaver. Like "thank your parents and god for making this beautiful girl" these bags of rocks respond awwwwww and then they do it. He not the best looking but he cleans up nice and puts in a crazy amount if effort to anyone and everyone. That how the apps work.. Your post really resonated with me because when I was younger I definitely felt like it was inappropriate to breastfeed in public. But even at that time I don't think I would have ever responded to an IG post like this. As I grew older and began thinking about having kids and the idea of breastfeeding I definitely turned around on my preconceived ideas, and it happened with women like 평택출장마사지 Sharon sharing their experience and being open about all of it. My doctor recommended calling him for answers to my questions or reading on the National Institutes of Health site for additional information. I am in a similar situation as the other responder and have my second 3 month check next week. Good vibes being sent your way!. (S. Granet, personal communication, March 11, 2009). As this clinic is still new and expanding, it does not provide support groups for its patients, unlike the more established programs like the Stanford OCD Clinic or the Los Angeles Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Body Image Clinic, which not only has a special treatment programs for BDD patients but also provides therapeutic social support groups for their patients.. It might be a little easier to slowly sip on that with a bit of ice if you can get yourself to eat at a normal pattern. I had a lot of nausea problems so I done stuff like that when eating is not an option. But I know it may not be a solution for you as your situation is unique.. Have your nieces tell your sister what they've done themselves, instead of snitching on them. If they don't want to or try to lie, they face whatever consequence you decide is fitting. They probably won't want to look their mother in the face and say "we called the neighbor fat" because I would hope your sister would be disappointed in them. The most impressive feat that dogs have pulled off before our very eyes is hiding their cognitive abilities. They hate eating gross things and won't do it unless a human is watching. They absolutely know that smelling booties is disgusting. The other motivator. My little girls. At 3 and 5, they don't care how big daddy is, but they are quickly going to be 평택출장마사지 old enough to want daddy to ride roller coasters, we ride bikes, we went on this tiny little antique Ferris wheel in Greene bay a couple months ago.

[lifeofizzy-blog1]

Being A Student With Bad Mental Health

Being a student is an interesting experience for everyone. It’s also vastly different for everyone. Based on age, gender, sexuality, living arrangements and alcohol tolerance, these things can have a huge impact on the way you feel and act whilst going through university life. For me, it has, and probably always will be my mental health that can really screw things up, but it’s something I’m really trying to work on, and I think, more than anything, university has played a big part in helping with that.

It doesn't always feel like that though, the stress of exams and deadlines hit everyone hard but if like me, and so many others, you have to juggle these as well as the daily mess that’s going on inside your head, it can be difficult to prioritise everything correctly, heck it can be difficult to get out of bed, let alone go sit in a 3 hour lecture when you’re whole body literally aches from feeling sad. When I was about 15 I was diagnosed for the first time, with mild-severe depression, anxiety and BDD (body dysmorphic disorder), and between my teachers not listening too, or doing anything about my unhappiness, and me having something like 70% attendance for my last year of school, I really did not think I would ever actively enjoy being in any form of learning environment again.

My first year was a cliche, a “rollercoaster of emotions”. It started off amazing, I was so close with my flat, I instantly became friends with 11 people I wouldn’t have come into contact with in any other situation. We were out until 3am at least 3 times a week, we’d make pile up our pillows and mattresses in the hallway and watch scary films together, I was having the time of my life. As for the classes, I was enjoying them, the work wasn’t too difficult, I was making friends on my course, and jumping straight into putting on our own event made me feel like I was exactly where I wanted to be.

After Christmas was over and I came back to uni after spending as much time at home as possible, I started to struggle a bit. My flat had parted slightly and we didn’t hang out as much as we originally did, and looking back on it, that was the thing keeping me from feeling as homesick as I was starting too. One night was worse than the others though, nothing happened, I just broke a little bit. People always ask “what caused that panic attack?” “what caused you to hurt yourself again?”, and honestly a year on and I still can’t give an answer. Sometimes (most of the time for me anyway), the “cause” is something you didn’t even realise you were thinking about. The thing you pushed to the back of your mind cause you were sick of over analyzing it. Long story short, minus all the gory, depressing, “woah izzy that’s too much information plz stop” details, there was an ambulance, a lot of crying and me realising that i wasn’t coping as well as I first thought. So I kicked myself into action, took some time off work, started to going to lectures again, started talking to people so they were up to date with what I needed, and started utilizing all the people around me that cared about how I was doing.

University is the perfect balance of having enough independence to think you’re fully in control, but also being told what to do if you find yourself slipping a little. As someone who suffers with their mental health daily, it’s a great mix of learning how to cope as an individual but knowing there’s always someone, usually someone slightly more adult like, if you need the help.

Since starting university, I’ve moved out of my parents house, to a new town, a new part of the country even, been on trips abroad with my peers, planned and run a successful event with my classmates, joined Acapella society (now running for secretary for said society) (~edit~ I won the role of secretary yay!) and been able to build the confidence in myself that I can actually still achieve the things I want too, even though I have depression. (although i may have missed a few 9am lectures here and there)

To summarise, I ~think~ life is currently good and I’m doing pretty swell on the large scale. I’ve started to notice myself drifting a bit so I’ve tried to catch it before it gets bad, hopefully I have and hopefully I can continue to utilize uni services in the correct way.

[devilsdaliance]

Head Cannons Pt2 Nero

ayye, it’s ya girl, back at it again with more proof of being trash for nero. just a heads up, this one is a little angsty, so trigger warning for mentions of BDD and self harm

*For starters? HE’S GOT THE CUTEST DAMN FRECKLES YOU EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE! SUCH A CUTE GODDAMN BOY.

*And he has central heterochromia. This isnt really a head cannon so much as a real thing. Seriously! Go look at the cutscene where he’s all blacked out, and he’s yelling about Kyrie. It zooms in really close on his eyes, and you can see the gold ring around the pupils. Hella cute.

*He wears reading glassesssss! Awe, cute baby!

*Weird scar on his right arm (before bringer) that starts from back of hand to elbow. (like the blue part) Had it since he was a wee bab.

*Also, he can totally play the piano. He stopped playing when he got his bringer, which sucks, because he was really good at it, and loved doing it.

*This poor boy’s childhood was filled with a lot of unanswered questions, and people telling him he looked/acted wrong, and was bad.

*As a child, he was probably pretty frustrated. Growing up with all these demonic urges and features, with no one to explain it to him. Why does no one else smell the bread baking 3 blocks down? How can you not see in the dark? Why does no one else want to hunt animals in the woods? Like all kids, he tried to search for a sense of meaning and belonging in the groups of children around him, and when he didn’t find one, he became pretty upset. He had all these questions, and no one to answer them. Why weren’t the other kids as strong/as ‘savage’ as I am?

*He had to deal with growing up not knowing what he was, WHO he was, with no one around to tell him it was okay for him to act like this. He got in trouble often for being a bit too rough when rough housing with the other boys. He acted too territorial, growling and glaring at people, and got reprimanded for acting like this, so he grew up angry, and confused.

*At heart, he’s not mean. He doesn’t hate anyone, he’s just so goddamn confused, and hurt. God is he hurt. People have always been afraid of him, and shunned him, and it’s not his fault! Not his fault he looks and acts the way he does, but no one understands that. So he meets all their stares and words with aggression. Because if they call him a monster, that’s what he’ll be. This caused him to have some pretty low self-esteem, and being such a hot head, it made for a bad combination. Before he got his bringer, he had a mild case of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, because of such harsh bullying over his hair. It was only very very mild, not enough to cause major problems in his day to day life, but he’d sometimes try to dye it, (it wouldn’t take) or have bouts of wearing his hood.

*Around his early childhood, he grew to develop social anxiety, more on this later~~>>

*He was so grateful for Kyrie and Credo’s friendliness to him, and when their parents took him in. He did his best to be a good kid, and keep his outbursts and tantrums to a minimum. He loved his little family, and was probably one of the most devastated when their parents were lost.

*His devil side was soooo sooo upset, and he didn’t know what is was or why his soul just seemed to be howling in sorrow, but he shoved down that angry confusion, because he hated how Kyrie looked at him when he was like that.

*Being a Knight was one of the best things that happened to him. An outlet for all his bloodlust and anger, yet he could still do good and protect people.

*When he got his devil bringer, it was like his worst nightmare coming to life. He was taught to devils were bad, evil things, and now, he was one? He was one his entire life, and it answered all the questions he had growing up.

*Around the months before and after the Savior incident, His BDD really ramped up. He’d often pick at the skin where bringer met flesh, causing a lot of irritation, or cut his thighs or human arm with his claws, sometimes on purpose, sometimes as a sorta unconscious thing.

*Eventually, Kyrie turned her back on him, and Fortuna drove him out, so he went to stay with Dante, who was able to answer a lot of questions he had. Though sadly the damage had been done.

*PAUSE IN THE ANGST

*He loves to cook, literally will buy magazines for recipes. He has boxes stored in his appartment. He’s crazy adventurous in the kitchen

*He also is a huge nerd, like, mega nerd. He has soo many books, and LOVES video games. (He has like, 150 hours clocked on D.va. What a madman.) One time he played sims for 13 hours straight… Don’t ask, he doesn’t know either.

*Gets REALLY into Guitar Hero. Broke Dante’s couch by jumping on it while playing Rock and Roll All Night. He gave such an +A performance, Dante only made him pay half.

*His phone is COMPLETELY full of music. He only has room for like, 6 pictures and Pokemon Go.(Hes team Instinct. Fight him about it)

*Snarky kid. All the snark. All the bad puns. Will not stop. Does not know how to stop.

*Thanks to Dante, he slowly started playing the piano again, and started to pick up the guitar. Can sing, and loves writing his own music.

*Always has his headphones on. Bobs his head to the music.

*IS AN ACTUAL FISH. LOVES SWIMMING SO MUCH. (burns after day at the beach.)

*So fuckin’ adventurous. Wants to try and do everything. Let’s climb a mountain! Let’s bungie jump! ROLLERCOASTERS! He grew up sheltered, let him have this.

*Smart cookie is smart!

*He’s cute, so he gets hit on a lot, which turns him into a big stuttering mess, and he has no clue how to deal with it. Will probably say some snappy line and flee.

*(oh look, more angst)

*If someone he was interested in showed interest in him, a whole lot of self doubt and anxiety would hit him like a freight train. His social anxiety manifests in anger attacks, that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He’d need someone who wouldn’t be afraid of him when he gets like this, since one of his main things during these episodes is fear of hurting anyone around him. He’d need someone to help him cope with his BDD as well, and cherish his different features.

*Nero would probably be hesitant about same sex relationships, having grown up in a heavily religious (cult) island. He’d be nervous about a male s/o at first, but would eventually be very open to it. *Totally in love with kids. Freaking kid magnet. He loves being silly with them, and just hanging with kids in general.

[josiebelladonna]

“How can someone like you seriously have no friends? I don’t understand.”

It’s actually very easy to understand if you think about it. I’ve never been able to make friends who stick around longer than a few years. Stuff always happens in my life that’s beyond my control or they get bored with me (or they were two-faced: they said they were my friend but they also turned out to be friends with one of my bullies and eventually turned against me). It was always hard for me to talk about my depression, my anxiety, my cutting, or my BDD until recently, too.

Another question I get is “don’t you have family who understands?” Aside from my mom, who gets it because her colleagues are some of the pettiest clique-iest people I’ve never met, no. My family is the history of mental illness as well as 0 sympathy. You want to see a good example of patriarchy? Spend a day with my brother, aka the churchiest person I know: all he wants to do is pull my strings and control my life, and pulls the whole “you’re mentally ill, you need help” card if I even think of having a bad day. My dad’s solution to literally everything social-wise is “get a job” which is stupid because there are tons of people in the world who have jobs and their social lives are complete shit. One time when I was in school I brought this up and cried about it--crying actual tears--in front of my grandmother (my dad’s mom, not my mom’s mom, who was my grandma) and she rolled her eyes at me. And for years after my grandpa died, she kept trying to convert me back to Jehovah’s Witnesses when I repeatedly said no to it (that’s a big no-no in that church, too: if someone says no, move on, you don’t persist).

“Why can’t you be like your cousins? You should do [this].” ...because I’m not? First of all, my cousins are all boys and stuff I like is radically different compared to their interests. And second, I don’t exist to entertain you or give you grandchildren so it’s not fair to judge me on what I do or don’t do because of arbitrary, old-fashioned expectations. I don’t want kids, anyways--I don’t want my son or my daughter to grow up in a world burning down at the environmental seams or to go through the same ordeals I did in school. Actually, you know what? my not having any friends makes sense now because my home life up to this point has been riddled with some of the most controlling, hamfisted, uncaring, and borderline abusive people ever (aside from my mom who works a full time job so I’m often going solo here on this mountain; my grandma and grandpa were exceptions, too, but they both died in 2016 and 2006 respectively). And I’m seeing those patterns again, on Tumblr and Twitter in particular.

And let me say this because I’ve been on Tumblr long enough to know what will happen: when people start coming in screaming about politics and in turn begin to generalize everything without giving it a second thought, that’s usually a sign that things are about to go south. I saw it on Tumblr with the rise in social justice bloggers and compounded with the staff’s... idiocy for lack of a better word. What did we get? People not thinking for themselves and also isolating themselves, and then the NSFW ban happened. It’s happening on Twitter with everyone hitting us all over the head with their beliefs (and they’ve got Nazis and pedos there, too, not even kidding) and the staff there feels like an offshoot of Tumblr’s staff; I’m probably more alone over there than I am here because if you aren’t over the top in your vocals about your dislike of Donald Trump, you’re nobody.

But at the end of the day, though, I just want a friend to call my own--I miss having a best friend, especially. My last best friend fell off the face of the earth about three years ago, and last I heard he’s getting married and I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend; I don’t even know where he lives now! But I want someone who likes the same things I do and will listen to/read my nonsense without getting preachy or judge-y, and I don’t care if they’re man or woman or transgender, gay straight bi, older than me, younger than me, of a different ethnic background or religion, doesn’t matter to me. I just want a reason to talk to the world.

[lokeanrampant]

So.  I apparently have a trigger.  It’s an ugly one and it hits hard and it returned me to a very unhealthy place.  Long post and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ahead.

And thank you, anon, for your words.  I hope you’re right.

I have recently been diagnosed with a few things and have medications which are helping, but this particular medication is having an amazing and GOOD effect on me.  I am awake and aware, I don’t need to do three things at once to focus on something, I actually can focus, so much good stuff.  But yes, it has an effect on my appetite.  I have fantastic willpower and I generally really, really hate anything that fucks with my appetite cause that will generally lead to me not eating enough.  So that’s what I’m dealing with here.  I probably wasn’t eating enough, but I felt good and I was basically grazing, so I figured, okay, we’re still okay.

Only...the doc who prescribed pull that trigger fucking hard.

So the medication works for ADHD and though I have a sensory processing disorder, she can’t quite say I have ADHD.  But she can put in her notes that she is prescribing it for “binge eating,” not because I have it, but because she thinks the med will help.  And it has.  I felt better than I had in years.  So I’m on this for about a month and doing great.  My therapist was THRILLED with my progress and we were going to really work hard on my BDD.  

Then I had the follow-up appt.  Where the doc kept harping on how well the med worked for my binge eating and controlling cravings and overeating.  Like over and over and over.

Let me tell you a lil something about me.

I’m a stress-starver.  It comes from my teens where I was constantly told that, being overweight and trying to lose weight, I ate too much, that I ate like a pig, eat less.  This is from DOCTORS, mind you.  Yes, doctors told me this.  Constantly.

So I did that.  I ate less.  Still couldn’t lose weight.  Same deal - “you eat too much.”  So I ate less.

I was down to one meal a day:  a sandwich.  Two pieces of bread, some mayo, some chicken.

Guess what?  Yep, “you eat too much.”

So I STOPPED eating.  Food was the enemy.  My body needed fuel, but I didn't want it and the docs assumed I ate and never stopped and kept telling me to eat less and less and less.  Obviously, I was still eating too much, right?  So hey, okay, I’ll eat less.  Just enough to keep me standing...and sometimes, not even then.  Super healthy, yo.  Bodies don’t like to lose weight in Starvation Mode.  But I was too fat for that and I ate too much, right?  So I essentially stopped eating.

That's not binging.  It's not binge/purge.  It's punishment for being fat and ugly and self-harm by restricting food because I wasn't worthy of it and it was ultimately bad for me.  If I had been a skinny bit, they probably would’ve diagnosed me with anorexia, but I just never presented with that low body weight or being underweight.  Nope.  Not me.  There is now an atypical anorexia that doesn’t present the classic way, but who are not underweight after significant weight loss.  And even then, I haven’t had significant weight loss in years.  

So there we are - eating disorder NOS, atypical presentation that doesn’t match anorexia, bulimia, binging.  It’s a much bigger diagnosis catch-all than you might realize.

It took me a long time to have a healthier relationship with food, and it's still not great, but it's okay.  Ask anyone in my life and they will tell you the same, that I don't overeat.  Even when I pms and actually crave a junk food?  I don't binge and I normally find a healthier alternative anyway (because junk food doesn't make me feel great).  

There is no secret or hidden eating.  There can definitely be guilt and self-loathing for eating, especially if it's not low-carb, but it’s rare...or at least, it was.  My food intake is not out of control.  I almost never overeat (it doesn't feel good!).  The only time I eat when I am not hungry is normally because I couldn't eat when I was hungry and then proceed to feel ill because my blood sugar has dropped.  Then I have to eat.  But it's not binging.  It's not healthy, and it doesn't fit the major eating disorders, but it's still not binging.

Do I have major body image issues?  Fuck yes.  I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  I have horrible self-image and will be sent into a major tailspin if I see photos or, gods, video.  I will stop being able to look in a mirror.  I have covered mirrors for days before.  I will have trouble showering unless I do it with my eyes closed so I don’t have to see the hideousness of me and even then, I still have to touch it to clean it.  I’m very self-critical and hate this body in which I feel trapped.  But I still do things.  I’m still working.  I do theater.  I garden.  I DO THINGS.  I also have an intense fear of gaining weight to be even larger than I am.  Even if I know that I am not the heaviest person in the room, and I can know that, logically, even with sizes or measurements, I will still feel larger, heavier, uglier.  I will feel like the largest, heaviest, ugliest person there even if I know someone is twice or more my size.  My friend at work is probably a good 100+lbs heavier than I am and I just think she’s gorgeous.  Her weight doesn’t matter.  She’s attractive inside and out.  But me?  No.  I”m fat because fat was taught to me as an ugly word.  So I am fat, because it’s ugly.  Other people aren’t fat because they aren’t ugly.  

So what happens when you tell someone, who has already told you all this history about being told you’re fat because you eat too much and that you need to eat less....so YOU DID and that’s also why you stopped going to doctors because you were eating barely enough to stay standing and they still said that, so they obviously didn’t know a fucking thing, and that yet again, I apparently have NO. FUCKING. CLUE. WHAT FOOD I PUT IN MY MOUTH.  

What happens when you tell someone like that that they are binging and eating too much?

Answer:  I stop fucking eating.  

I’m right back to being 18yo and crying because I’m hungry because food is the fucking enemy.  Because apparently, even what I eat, which is definitely light for American portion sizes, but actually really fucking healthy portion sizes, is still too much.  

Even though my sis has been concerned because the medication is altering my appetite to the point where I really don’t eat more than 4oz at a meal, if that...which I did when I was having extreme gallbladder pain at one point.  

Even though she, several friends, and a friend/coworker know how I eat, what I eat, that I don’t overeat, that I can make a sub-in-a-tub style salad into multiple, low-carb, healthy wraps and have lunch for two or three days.  

That I don’t eat or even LIKE much sugar (why the FUCK is everything so gods damned SWEET?  Holy fuck.).  I vastly prefer savory (spice is nice).

I don’t tend to eat breads or potatoes because they make me feel bad (bloaty, ewww...so probably a gluten intolerance?  I don’t know, but I know I don’t feel well when I eat them, so hey, idea!  DON’T EAT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD.  Crazy AF, I know, right?).

People who know me envy the self-control and willpower that I have regarding food.  They don’t realize it came out of such self-loathing and self-harm mechanisms.  I’ve made it healthier.  I’ve gotten better with food and in a lot of ways, that was because it didn’t really matter what I ate after a point, my weight maintained.  It wasn’t the food...or it wasn’t just the food.  

There’s a fuckton more at work regarding metabolism and hormones and shit that just fuck up a body.  And one medication stopped the bad thoughts from auto-play 24/7 and helped reduce stress to the point I was like, fuck, is this what I am supposed to feel like?  And then this new one, that helps me feel awake, aware, and focused reduced that anxiety even MORE and it’s like another layer of fog is lifted?  To realize how much CONSTANT STRESS AND ANXIETY I had that was literally non-stop fight-or-flight mode?  Gods, no wonder I couldn’t lose weight.  My body was always prepped for disaster and wanted to keep every fucking thing.  I finally felt that I could maybe make a difference and not only feel healthier, but maybe actually get healthier, be in better shape, lose weight.

But to be told that I’m still a binge eater, when I fit only the “feel guilt or shame over eating” NOW, because you brought all that shit back by telling me that I still overeat and that’s why I’m fat and hey, this med is really controlling your binging?

Dinner last night was eight...yes, 8, cashews.  It took me from 9:30 to about 2:30pm today to eat a Sargento’s snack pack (cheese, cashews, raisins in this one).  I had a electrolyte water (36oz or so) and am working on my second bottle (fairly normal).  I went out with friends tonight and managed to slow sip a beer over about two hours as someone was buying and really wanted to buy us a drink, so hey, I got some calories in the beer.  Couldn’t eat though.  The thought of eating today was met with instant recoil.  Food becomes the enemy once again.   It becomes a hyperfixation because it's too much, too much, it's bad for you, stop eating, yes even 4oz is too much, you don't need that much.  And no, I don’t weigh myself or count calories/fat/etc for the same reason - it became a hyperfixation and an emotional minefield where any little (and frequently normal) fluctuation sends me into a very bad place.  If I need to do something like that, measurements are easier for me.  

And that’s not a place I want to be.  I worked SO HARD to not be there.  I KNOW the way I eat is healthy.  I know the portion sizes are good.  I know how to read labels (questionable reliability, but it’s what we’ve got).  I can make good food at home.  I can choose fairly healthy if I’m out and about.  I had made my peace with food and while we would never be great friends, we at least weren’t enemies any more.  

I am trying.  I am.  I, oddly, have some support around me.  A friend really helped tonight, but it’s a serious work-in-progress.  I managed to eat about 8-10 shrimp around midnight but I couldn’t do that with someone watching.  It’s back to the high school cafeteria where it literally didn’t matter what you ate, if you were fat, you weren’t supposed to eat at all.  It’s feeling guilty to be seen eating because you actually have the nerve to have a body that requires sustenance and they will judge you any bite you consume.  The doctor created guilt around food I hadn’t had for YEARS.  Admittedly, I still don’t like work lunch/break rooms, but I just don’t care to socialize with some people and I can keep my phone charged at my desk.  Win-win.  And I don’t generally have a problem eating at restaurants or with friends.  

My friend tonight told me that i am NOT that person I was.  And I’m not.  I have changed so much since then.  And since I know what the doctor said is false, it’s rather like someone yelling at me because they hate my hair for being blonde when it’s black.  It makes no sense and what they said isn’t real; it shouldn’t mean anything.  But it’s a whammy and when you already have a predisposition to fall into self-hate and self-harm, it’s a nasty, ugly whammy that lingers.  It’s an old, well-worn pattern of badness that is only comfortable because you lived it for so long, you know how it works.  

I’m upset.  I’m angry.  I’m furious.  I’m hurt.  

And I don’t know how long it will take to climb out of this.