#the cutest person to ever exist i am so serious

[hooned]

won kisses 💌

[thinkingaboutjaedyn]

Cute aggression with Elisa I FKN BEEEEEEGGGGGGGGG

SHE SOOO FKN CUUUUTE I JUST AGAHAHHXHFHDHDHEHRHRGCHFHDFGGFHFBFNFJHDDHHCBGTTDT

I love her way too much

can't help myself [e.de almeida x reader]

summary: elisa is always so cute you just have to show her that you love that about her in an overly aggressive way.

author notes: this is such a cute request! love you anon for this one. enjoy it y'all!

elisa is many things. a skilled footballer, a chaotic girlfriend, an absolute family person, and a cat mama. she is also the cutest thing you have ever seen and half of the time she doesn't even know it.

there are so many moments where elisa is just absentmindedly pouting about something or cuddling up to you two's black cat, lily. the times where she's too tired to function are the best. the pouting, groans of annoyance when you move away from her, and the "c'mon, stop, babe" when you start laughing at how irritated she looks. it's so adorable of her.

elisa is such a cutie and that makes you internally want to just bite her or squeeze her cheeks so hard she whines and pushes you away. the cute aggression when it comes to your girlfriend is unmatched.

the cute aggression towards elisa is always an all time high when she comes back from away games. from the moment you pick her up to her head hits the pillow she's adorable.

it's around eight am when paris saint germain make their way back to paris from a champions league match against roma with a win. you sit on the sorta uncomfortable seats in the airport near where the team should be coming out. a warm smile curls up your lips as you spot elisa coming out behind sakina. anyone could see how tired she was from a mile away. elisa smiles softly once she spots you. opening up her free arm, the other is pulling her suitcase, to pull you close as she reaches where you are sitting. she lets go out of her suitcase for a moment to wrap her arms fully around you and nuzzle her face into your neck. letting out a small sigh.

you chuckle as she says, "sometimes i wish the champions league didn't exist." the genuine annoyance in her words makes you laugh even more. "that's not true. you love playing in the champions league and traveling was one of your top reasons, so what changed now, miss de almeida?" you pull away from her grasp which makes her groan and frown at you. the sight was so cute you almost screamed, but held in it because public decency and all that jazz. "that was past elisa. current elisa is tired and about to pass out so can we go home already?" the footballer groans again as you pinch her cheek. you had to get that elisa-induced aggression out of your system somehow. "hm. i don't knoww. i wanted to talk to jackie and korbin for a minute or two before going," you say. smiling once you see the small eye roll your girlfriend does.

"babee," elisa pouts, "i'm serious. let's go home." you sigh out a small fine before grabbing onto her suitcase as she goes back to clinging onto you. she waves goodbye to her teammates still lingering around. knowing damn well at the next practice they were going to be teasing her relentlessly, but at the moment all elisa could think about was bed, you, and sleep. that's it, nothing else.

"c'mon, babygirl," you say playfully as you two come out of the airport and to your car. elisa lets out a sound of mock annoyance at the nickname. she hated it, but you always found a way to say it. usually she would give you a light hit on the shoulder, but was too tired to truly care about the petname so you are let off scotch free for now.

it takes a bit of time to get into the car with elisa refusing to let you go. groaning and pulling you closer every time you tried to get into the driver's seat. finally you sigh out of frustration and say, "what if someone who knows you see this, elisa? stop being a baby and get in the car so we can go home like you wanted."

your words make elisa sigh out dramatically before letting you go and going over to the passenger side. crossing her arms across her chest once she snaps on her seatbelt and gets all comfortable. "elisa, it is never that serious," you laugh as you slip into the driver's seat. snapping in your seatbelt before pulling off. the footballer just lets out a small hmph before turning away from you as best as she could and leaning her head against the window. elisa is fast asleep only five minutes into the ride.

her eyebrows are slightly furrowed as her lips are in a small pout. somehow her hair is still perfect as her face sits half against the glass of the window, half against the actual door. elisa's arms are still across her chest as she sleeps.

you nearly crash the car as you look over to see how adorable she's being. the strong urge to just pinch her cheek again almost gets you, but you rather not be under the wrath of an exhausted elisa, so you resist; for now.

when you two reach home, elisa is back on her clingy stuff. as you set her suitcase by the couch she refuses to let you go. almost making you both trip as you try to walk over to the kitchen to grab a juice. "oh my god, elisa.." you whine softly as you try to reach the fridge with all of elisa's weight on you. the woman is still half asleep so she hardly reacts. basically being like dead weight. "i love you i swear, but please let me go. you need to change anyways," you try to pull her arms from around your waist, but she puts that footballer strength to use even while half sleep. "elisa..i'm serious," she groans as she finally pulls away. turning to go towards the bedroom. a small hmph can be heard as elisa slips into the room.

you let out a sigh of relief as you can finally move freely. grabbing some juice for yourself and a water for elisa. you set them down on the counter as you go to look into the cabinets for some popcorn. a small movie marathon was promised by elisa when she would come back and now she's back, it's time for that. even though you knew she would just be sleeping throughout all of the movies you have planned.

just as you put the automatic popcorn bag into the microwave, a small groan fills the otherwise silence of the apartment. you look behind you to see a grumpy looking elisa. her arms are crossed across her chest as she pouts and gives you a small glare.

"we are supposed to be cuddling right now," the footballer mumbles. you just chuckle as you come over to her. the cuteness levels right now were so high, you couldn't help it as you go to pull her close. squeezing her so hard until she tries to pull away. "why are you trying to suffocate me, babee?" she whines as she tries to pull out of your grasp. you don't let her as you squeeze her again.

"you're just too cute right now," you say as you finally let her go. giving her ass a small squeeze before fully pulling away. elisa gives your arm a light slap as you move to go back over to the kitchen. "yeah, yeah, whatever. just hurry up," she pouts. turning around to go slip into you two's bedroom once again.

the sound of the popcorn finally slows as you come over to the microwave. stopping it and taking the popcorn out. you put it into a large bowl before going into the bedroom. ready to cuddle and snack while old nickelodeon movies play.

"already so cozy? without me?" you tease as elisa looks at you from the bed. she is tucked in and looking very comfortable. her eyes are basically closed as she looks at you. "shut up and hurry up," elisa mumbles. you just roll your eyes as you set the bowl of popcorn on the bed. elisa reaches her arm out to try and pull her onto the bed but you move back fast enough. "nuh uh. i have to change first," you chuckle as she lets out a small groan. "c'mon, babe, hurry.."

you roll your eyes at how she keeps rushing you, but still you slip into your pajamas as quick as possible before getting into bed beside her. the moment you're in the bed, elisa pulls you close and nuzzles her face into your neck. "finally.." she says softly as her arm goes to wrap around your waist. trying to pull you closer if that was even possible. you move slightly, which makes her groan out in annoyance, to grab the bowl of popcorn. setting it on top of you two before grabbing the remote that is on the other side of elisa's body.

once all settled, elisa slips back off to sleep. clinging to your body with a strong grip.

you end up falling asleep an hour later, in the middle of the hey arnold movie. the now empty bowl of popcorn is long forgotten. laying on the floor.

it's around one am when you wake back up, suddenly needing to pee. you try to pull out of elisa's grasp, but again that footballer strength is unmatched. "babe.." you say softly, still trying to pull away.

"no.. where are you going?" elisa murmurs, her eyebrows furrowed as her eyes stay closed. "bathroom," elisa just lets out a hmph of annoyance as you reply. still not allowing you to get out of bed. it's an adorable sight truly that makes your cuteness aggression so bad, but you still need to pee. one idea pops into your head that can help both of those problems.

you lean your head down a bit before biting down on elisa's cheek. "babe, what the fuck!" she shouts as loud as a half asleep person can. pushing you away enough that you end up falling off the bed. elisa sits up and leans over to look at you. "damn, elisa. it wasn't even that bad!" you say as you get up. "you bit me!" she reasons.

"and? you were like a koala and i had to use the bathroom, so it's your fault," you argue back. she just sticks the middle finger up at you before going back to laying in bed. "whatever. just hurry up," elisa says as hugs onto your pillow.

still so goddamn adorable.

[christinesficrecs]

Hi! What are your go to fics, or fics you can reread and just never tire of them? ☺️

Happy Friday! 💜

I am so boring! My comfort fics hardly ever change! You can find more favorites here, and some longer fics if that's your thing.

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[somedaytakethetime]

Hellooo, I hope youre doing better..atleast its almost the weekend. 😊 So Nice actually won there last match but surely not because I was watching, I only had time to watch the 1st half but then kept checking the score and was so relieved when it finally said full time and it was still 1-2. 😄 Its funny because I dont even care or know about Nice that much but I just want Kasper to win because I like him and dont want him to have a bad time at his new club and because it makes you happy. 🥰

But I’m definitly not good luck after all, Milan this week was the most depressing match, the only nice thing was Simon playing again. I think he’s still traumatized or something from being injured for so long tho, hes a captain and I’m sure hes always been a caring person but he was always the first by the side of injured players, all concerned and tried to help and make sure there okay. 🥺 All these injuries were so upsetting, Berardi was in tears and looked so devastated like he knew it was something serious. 😢 And also Florenzi is said to be out for weeks, this sucks and I’m gonna miss him so much, I love Spizzi hes so funny and always fighting during matches but also so sweet and constantly hugging everyone and making people laugh, and now the others have to make up for that. 😢

Juventus isn’t too bad really and they probably have the cutest striker in the league, I’ve been watching a lot since my uncle got me a sub to paramount+ for my bd and they have all the Serie A matches. 😍 If Milan mess it up this season I guess there allowed to win the championship as long as its not Inter. And if Milan didnt exist maybe I’d support them instead but that ship has irrevocably sailed and its just their bad luck none of their players threw up on the pitch first. 😆😆

Yes!! I’ll watch as many worldcup matches as possible! I have the whole schedule with kick off times on my wall and already tryin to arrange plans around it because its pre-xmas time and I only associate worldcups with summer and vacation time so its gonna be super strange this time! I’m still so pissed the stupid italians didnt qualify, its the 2nd worldcup they’re missing in a row and thats why I barely knew anyone in their team anymore because I used to only watch the worldcups and european champions sometimes,, so stupid! I’ve been missing out!

Atleast no Italy makes it easy to pick my team to support I guess. Ofcourse I want all the Milan guys to do well with there teams but I really want Denmark to win! I just dont know if theyre good enough because after the group matches you’d have to win 4 in a row against other very strong teams, but I like them so much they seem such a cool and tight knit group. 😍

Ohgod I’m so sorry for this novel I’d better shut up and go to sleep so I wont miss the derby altho I’m kinda worried about it. 😅Have a nice weekend! 💕x

~S.A.

EDIT TO ADD: I'M HOPING YOU'LL SEE THIS BECAUSE IT'S SEMI IMPORTANT - I'm taking a break from football for a while. Things haven't been very happy for me and it's gotten too hard lately and I can't go on being this affected by a silly sport. I'm just struggling in terms of a lot of things but football isn't helping either because I found myself caring way too much hence why I need to step away for a while. I'll probably be here less often too and I wanted to give you a heads up. I still hope you'll have loads of fun watching matches and the upcoming international duty!! 😊💗💗💗

Well thank you anyway, I'm giving those two goals to you because I don't think they would have otherwise and considering they only scored in the first half I think you deserve some credit! 😌 I have given up watching the matches live, I am now superstitious to my core and think I'm the one giving them bad luck. I'm watching every match *post* happening lest I ruin any club I like 😭

I think Simon's problem with injuries might stem deeper than his own injuries. I think none of us will ever recover but especially not Simon, his heart will probably always drop when he sees someone down on the pitch 😔 The players getting injured breaks my heart because you can tell how devastated they feel, it's not just the pain of the injury but their spirits break because these guys truly love playing this silly game (most of them anyway). I hope they can recover quickly, it's sad not seeing all the guys in rotation 😞

Juve is a mess internally currently! Their vice-president is partying with ladies in their bras and tripping drunk all over Turin, Pogba is hexing and cursing his France NT teammate Mbappé and his (Pogba's) brother is exposing him on twitter... it's THE club for dramatic entertainment currently and I'm ALL for it! You're better off with Milan, not to be biased or anything but... superior club you know? 😏😌

YES!! Being around the holidays will be SOOOO weird!! I'm so not used to the idea of a world cup in the Winter 😭 I'm beyond upset the Italians aren't going because well... a little fruity vibe should have been taken to Qatar, every other club is too stiff and doesn't deliver the way they should 😔 I need to see the times because.. my god will that schedule be a mess when converted to different time zones.. this whole planning a world cup in Qatar only created trouble for the masses 😒

You and me both honey, you and me both. 😭 But at this point I'm even afraid to wish for anything because I feel like I'll curse it and ruin it all. I'm just hoping all of my favourite little miau miaus do well at the world cup.. and if my heart can wish.. then I wish for things to go well.. 🍀🍀🍀

[wizkiddx]

3 hearts broken

I did an angst thing again oops also not proof read double oops

summary: an argument between you and tom, except it takes him hurting someone else for you to loose it

warnings: alot of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) idk anything else except commitment issues?

////////////////////////////////////////////

It was an argument you and your boyfriend regularly had. In fact, it was the only argument the two of you ever had. And especially recently, one that Tom seemed to want to have every day. It didn’t matter where you were on set; in the rental home; out for dinner. Or like now… in the airport lounge.

You were sitting across from each other in a semi-private booth. Tom in his joggers and a burgundy hoodie, you in your black leggings and an oversized tee that actually belonged to your boyfriend. The rest of the place was almost deserted, given the late-night time of the flight. It was probably why Tom felt so comfortable bringing up this touchy subject in a public place.

You were both way past overtired too, owing to the end of a gruelling shoot. All you wanted was to get back to London and get into your own bed. Without an unnecessary fight with Tom.

Unfortunately for you, when you had naively said those exact words, Tom’s overtired brain skipped straight to it being a personal attack.

“I don’t see why you can’t commit to moving in Y/n! We practically live together for filming anyway so-“

“I love you Tom, more than I could ever express. I just… I can’t do this yet. I need… more-“

“More time, I know.” He grumbled, already standing and slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder - as the flight’s gate was announced by the intercom. Had he not already turned his back and started heading along the hallway, you would’ve tried to protest and calm him down. But thanks to his urgency to get away from you… all you could do was sigh. Slumping back against the seat before hauling yourself up and grabbing the bags - that he had helped you with on the way in.

No doubt this would be a long flight.

That it was. Tom had been maturely giving you the silent treatment at the gate, as you were boarding, and finding you seats. You were both in first class, so you had adjacent little pods with a little partition in the middle. It’s standard position was to be lowered however, before you’d even been able to settle into your window seat, Tom had already switched to button to have it slowly slide up.

Real fucking mature.

Thinking he just needed some time to cool off, you rolled your eyes but let him be. Even though you were such a frequent flier, you were terrible at getting any sleep on them. Tom knew this, knew how much you disliked the idea of being hurtling through the air in a tin can. Usually, he’d be holding your hand, entertaining you by watching a movie and providing a shit commentary over the top. Sometimes, when you were both as exhausted as right now, he’d even slide into your chair, having you perch on top of him so you could fall asleep listening to his heartbeat in his chest. Now though? He refused to acknowledge your existence.

Tom never had such issues flying, he was like a switch that could just choose to fall asleep at any and every point. Which is perhaps why it shocked you to see him still wide awake, staring angrily at the corner of his pod when you went to the loo, hours later. Thinking it was time for a peace offering, on the return to your seat you made eye contact and began to smile softly at him. However, that plan lasted for all of two seconds, since as soon as he realised you had seen him staring, Tom instantly shut his eyes - playing asleep.

He really was being particularly stubborn tonight.

By the time the plane landed, he’d still refused to say anything - and it was starting to really piss you off too. You’d tried to be mature, tried to offer the metaphorical olive branch and he had quite literally thrown it back in your face. So by the time you were being escorted off the plane (first because you were first class), you hung back from your boyfriend, wanting to have your own space.

Which was exactly why you didn’t want to give up your own apartment yet!

The two of you walked across the bridge into the terminal with a good 8 metres between each other. Tom didn’t bother to turn round and check on you, taking purposeful steps as though he wanted to get away.

Thankfully the terminal was quiet, probably due to the ungodly hour in the morning you’d landed at. The halls echoed only with your and Toms footsteps, the echo exaggerating just how far away you felt from him at this point. Still, Tom hadn’t acknowledged your existence, or anyone elses for that matter - the pair of you almost got to baggage reclaim before seeing any other humans.

And that is where it all went wrong.

It was typical, an otherwise empty airport except for you, Tom and a family with 2 girls. 2 teenage girls. 2 teen girls whose eyes widened to almost comical levels at the sight of your boyfriend. You’d seen them from a mile away, but from Tom’s reaction to them - he clearly hadn’t.

In fact, you were such a distance away you couldn’t exactly hear the exchange. But what you saw, had your heart in your mouth.

The girls ran over from the seats their whole family were sitting in, squealing at Tom with that overcited little jump you’d seen so often. Instead of Tom turning to them and entertaining them with small talk and a photo or two - he did the opposite. If anything, he quickened his cadence, looked as though he waved the girls off without muttering two words.

And maybe there was a reason. Maybe they had shouted something really rude at him - but fuck, the chances were slim. One looked ten, and one looked a couple of years older - as you approached, you saw the dejected and shocked faces melt into ones of intense disappointment. The eldest turned and hugged the younger, whose chest appeared to be shaking in a way that meant only one thing. Tom had made her cry.

Just as both the mother and father stood up to rush to the girls, you matched their hurried steps - getting their first.

“Hi, excuse me… “

You felt really awkward but knew you had to do something for these poor girls. And quite possibly for Toms career too. “Are you guys okay?” It took a second or two, but the girls clearly both recognised you too (thank god), throwing nervous looks at each other.

“Are yo-you Y/n?” The younger one asked, bright eyes glazed in tears which broke your heart to see.

“Yeh-yeh I am, what are your names?” You knelt, smiling warmly at the girls, who seemed to chirp up a bit.

“I’m Tima” The eldest spoke first before nudging the other to speak. You waited patiently till the little girl had wiped her eyes before replying.

“I’m Azara.”

“Wow, you’ve both got very beautiful names. Where are you both headin-“

“Can I ask you a question!?” Litte Azara burst out, interrupting you, but in the cutest and sweetest way. You just laughed and said of course, as she twiddled with her thumbs nervously.

“How big is the biggest T-rex?” Her little eyes were so curious and you had to suppress a giggle, seeing how serious it was.

Of course, the T-Rexs in Jurassic world (one of your movies) were all CGI. But Azara didn’t have to know that.

“Oh, they are bigger thanthan the tallest trees you’ve ever seen!”

You carried on your little chat with the girls for five or so minutes, laughing with them and exchanging soft nods with their parents too - who seemed appreciative of your time. Eventually, though, it was the dad who pulled time on the exchange, signalling that the girls had taken up enough of your time. As you stood up, Tima spoke up - after being relatively withdrawn from the conversation.

“You’re friends with Tom Holland right?” You nodded, subconsciously biting your lip to see what she would say. “Can you tell him sorry for bothering him, it’s just Azara was excited, we only wanted to say hi.”

Yeh, there was absolutely no way these incredibly sweet girls did anything to Tom. He was just being a knob.

“Hey, it’s not your fault at all. We’ve just had a really, really long flight, and he’s in a bit of a mood at me - I’m so sorry that he let it out on you.”

That explanation seemed to satisfy Tima with a nod, and with some final hugs you bid the girls both farewell. By this point, the rest of your plane had caught up along the corridors, so it was busier, and you had to fight against the small crowd to get through the airport as quickly as possible. Because you were seething with rage for Tom and could not wait to tell him exactly what those poor girls thought of him.

Unsurprisingly Tom had chosen not to wait for you in the airport at all, instead already hiding inside the blacked-out windows of the 4x4 waiting at the collection point. You marched up to that car angry to the point you thought the whole airport would notice. Yanking the door so hard you were surprised you did no damage to it, you threw your bags in - momentarily ignoring the sight of Tom huddled into a corner, staring at his phone with AirPods in.

But once you slammed the door shut and the driver started the car, you let yourself go.

“Who the fuck do you think you are!”

“Y/n can we just leave it for- “

“You made 2 girls cry!!! You were so self-absorbed in your temper tantrum that you made 2 teenage girls cry. You proud of yourself?”

This time he did look at you, eyes wide and confused - clearly not understanding. So you continued - laying it out for him.

“Those two girls you waved off because you were so busy running away from me? Well the youngest one cried and then the eldest didn’t speak and when she did it was only to ask me to apologise to you. You’re a fucking dickhead!”

“I didn’t mean-“

“Oh god, that makes it all better. You didn’t mean to make them cry on purpose, so it’s fine! God if you’d only said I’d-“

“Fuck off Y/n you’re not being fair, cut the sarcasm.”

“I’m not being fair?!? Because I’m the bad person in this situation, right? I just saved you from a very, very bad headline tomorrow morning because you were too busy giving me the silent treatment.”

“Yeah, well, your the one who doesn’t seem to give a damn about me!”

You scoffed hard at his words, air trapped in your throat that now felt completely stuck. How could he say that? How could he even think that?

As much as you hated showing it, you felt your eyes well up with tears. Because who the fuck did he think he was.

“Now that, that is so unfair. You know exactly my history and why I don’t want to move in yet AND you know just how much I fucking love you. So don’t you dare.”

“You're not convincing anyone.” He spoke quieter, but the venom behind his tone was still there. As the first tear escaped over your bottom lashes, you knocked on the partition to the driver and asked him, in no uncertain terms, to pull over.

“Congrats Tom. That’s three women you’ve broken the hearts of in 20 minutes. Must be some sort of a record.”

And with that you slammed the door shut, abandoned on the side of the road somewhere within Heathrow.

?a part 2? idk where id go from here aha

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala

[sparklingsad]

title: solace in solitude (one shot)

characters: baji x fem!reader, chifuyu, mentions of kazutora, mikey, draken, and mitsuya

prompt: You have always found solace in solitude, but how can one person change everything that you've ever known?

genre: fluff, angst

warning: contains spoiler from the manga, don't read you are still emotionally unwell because of the latest tokyo rev episode (21). take care of your mental health you guys <33

p.s: it's a bit long :')) but please read through the end :)

a/n: Hello everyone! I'm feeling a bit sappy today because of the latest tokyo rev episode :')) let's all suffer together shall we? I was actually working on the part 4 of my series fic but I accidentally deleted the whole thing, and got annoyed, so here I am now with a one shot for you guys. Sorry this is angsty baji again, but this prompt has been on my mind ever since I made it past chap 67 on the manga of tokyo rev. I also saw @tomanjxro reblogged @lila-skies prompt-ish so it pushed me to write something of a version that I have thought of way back. I hope this does not disappoint <3

If someone would ask you how you found most of the good things in your life, you could probably say you found them when you were alone.

You met your decade-long best friend while waiting for your parents to pick you up in elementary school when you mistakenly added 2 hours to your original dismissal time. You have found the cutest little pup that became your pet when you got lost looking for your friend's house. Your family's favorite diner is the restaurant where you stayed until they have found you after getting separated from them at the mall -- your family ate at the place to celebrate finding you after a couple of hours.

With this, you have never thought that being alone is a pity. In fact, you let yourself immerse in the bliss that solitude brings you as you grow older.

-------------------------------------------------------

Just like one of those days, you were once again alone. Doing library duties was hated by a lot of the students in your school. Organizing books, attending to return cards, updating the library database -- these are all boring tasks that no one wants to take so most of those who are assigned on library work leaves without hesitation after the 3:30 pm mark hits the clock. Meanwhile you, you partially stay to finish all the work and selfishly enjoy the serenity of an empty library.

Or so you thought.

When it is about 4 pm, a bunch of seniors dropped by their overdue books into the library and of course, it is your responsibility to return them to their proper bookcases.

You pulled out the book trolley and started loading all of the books that have been returned and trudged your way onto the furthest part of the library where science books like zoology are meant to be placed.

Just as when the silence is almost deafening due to the decreasing number of people, you heard pieces of paper being torn accompanied by small grunts.

Curious to what could have been staying in this part of the library, you tried to peek from behind a huge bookcase only to see a guy with slicked-back hair gelled to perfection, a low ponytail, and a definitely intimidating big pair of glasses.

I didn't know someone this serious exists in this school, you thought.

Scared that you might disturb his peace as he intensely scribbles words on his paper, you try to cough to get his attention.

"Um, I'm sorry to disturb your study session but I have to place these books back into this bookcase beside you," you tried to explain to him.

He did not even flinch a bit when you suddenly spoke. Instead, he gave you a polite nod (too formal if you were to say) and continued writing into his notebook.

With his actions, your curiosity just grew more of this student that is new into your eyes. While trying to put back the encyclopedias and journals into to bookcase, you can't help but steal a few glances at what he was writing.

"Um, I'm sorry but I think you have missed a few letters here," you interrupted him.

"rendevou", you pointed out.

"It should have been 'rendezvous'," you corrected him.

"Oh, is that so," he shoved his head towards the notebook and narrowed his eyes to the one you pointed out.

"Thanks!"

He flashed you a smile so wide that you forgot that it's almost 5 hours past midday.

"Y-yeah." and you let out a small smile.

You were caught by surprise at how nice he is, compared to the demeanor that his whole look is emanating.

To brush off the seemingly surprising interaction, you tried to move to the further bookcases and continue your duties, but he suddenly calls to you.

"Hey, uh,"

His gaze is switching between you and his paper.

"Can ya please help me with this one too?" he politely asks, his head almost as low as a bow.

"O-oh, yeah sure."

You slowly walked towards him.

"What'd ya think of this one?" he immediately asked after you stood beside him.

You looked closely into it. 'clandestine' it says

"I think you did this one just fine!" you said proudly.

"Woah. Really? Wow I'm really learning, aren't I? Thanks!"

Right after helping him, you proceeded to finish your duties. You wanted to be home by 6 to do all the homework you have.

Just as you left his side he looked at you and offered you a hand.

"Hey, I think I can help ya with that," and there it is again, the smile he gave you earlier, and you gave him a small 'thanks'.

As you both busy yourselves sorting out the remaining books on the trolley, you suddenly remembered something vital that you forgot.

Oh, I haven't asked his name yet.

"Say--," you started as you place each book neatly in between the others.

"I haven't asked your name yet," and you gave him a look.

He looks a bit surprised by the sudden asking so you took the prerogative to move the conversation,

"Oh, sorry. It was rude of me to ask yours when I haven't said mine. I'm y/n, l/n. Nice to meet you!" you handed over your hands to him and he reached for it.

"Baji,"

"Baji?" you repeated.

"Keisuke Baji"

"Oh, it's Baji then."

"Nah. Keisuke is fine."

"Well, let me tweak it up a bit if you are that generous," you flashed him a smile.

"Kei it is then!"

---

Not after a while of organizing the books, both of you finished the school bell ring. It is already the 5 o'clock mark.

"Oh seems like that's me for today," Baji said as he started to pick up his own things from the table near the bookcase.

"Thanks for helping me today, y/n! It was nice meeting ya!" Then without another word he left and ran towards the library door.

Just like that, he was gone and silence is all there was with you.

At that moment you realized that company isn't that bad at all.

----------------------------------------------------------

For the following days, you tried to find out who Keisuke Baji is. And as if lady luck is on your side, you saw him in Class 3 the other day when you've handed out the class president the flyers for the upcoming school festival. He even gave you a small wave from across the classroom that wasn't gone unnoticed by his classmates.

Your cheeks were dusted with rose from this small gesture because you had not expected that he would take notice of you so far as giving a warm gesture like that. Aside from this, there are a bunch of eyes staring at you that made you uncomfortable because of the attention.

That similar day, you're on your library duties like always sorting here and there when you came across him again in the same spot.

"Oh Ke--" you turn to a halt when you saw that he is not alone.

A blonde guy with a piercing on his left ear is also sitting beside him as they scribble down words onto their paper.

"O-oh, sorry I didn't notice," you apologize immediately as they both turn their heads to you.

"Oh wait, y/n!" he called you and you felt a tug on your cardigan.

You turned to him but you were taken aback at how close his face is to yours. You can feel your heart drumming against your chest as you are looking at his face from this distance.

Just what is this feeling?

"Hey y/n, ya okay?" he called your attention noticing you suddenly took a pause.

"Ah yeah I am. I'm sorry for disturbing your study session here," you removed your glasses and start to wipe them to brush off your embarrassing action.

"It's all cool y/n! No need to worry," he reassured you with a smile.

"This guy here's my best friend! Matsuno Chifuyu from class 2," he dragged his friend in front of you and presented him proudly like a work of his.

"O-oh, Chifuyu. Nice to meet you, I'm y/n l/n from class 5!" you said back.

"Class 5.." Chifuyu looked up,

"Oohhh, you must be one hell of a smartass if you're taking advanced classes y/n-chan," he amusingly said.

"Well, I guess I'm just pretty earnest in studying that's all, " you humbly said.

"Say, you wanna grab some peyoung yakisoba? All of this math's making my head hurt,"

"I'm definitely in Baji-san!!" Chifuyu exclaimed

"Oi Chifuyu, I'm not talking to you. Of course we'll split it, you dumbass." he scoffed

"I'm talking to y/n," and then he proceeds to look at you.

Without hesitation, you immediately agreed as if you have always been sure of what to answer.

"That's it then, let's get going!" he grabbed you by the hand and proceeded to a nearby konbini outside the school.

When your yakisoba's had been thoroughly cooked, you all sat down in a small stall inside the place, but before you started eating Baji removed his glasses and his ponytail.

You stopped your eating and looked at him a bit longer than you're supposed to.

"Uh, y/n? Is everything alright?" he said as he slurped the noodles.

"Ah, yeah!" you said surprised to his sudden asking.

"I was just surprised about--" and you gestured to his face and his hair as if you're incapable of using words to explain the situation.

"Oh, this?" he asked.

"That's what you get for pretending to be a poindexter Baji-san," Chifuyu said as he reaches for the yakisoba from Baji's hands.

"Poindexter?" you asked, confused.

"Yeah, I thought he was a poindexter when I saw him back in middle school, turns out he doesn't wanna make his momma cry for getting held back again so he decided to go to school with that getup," Chifuyu trailed off as he gulped down his snack.

"Oi Chifuyu that's enough! I've been trying my hardest 'kay?" he said unamused and his arms crossed.

"Though I think I look better when I look smart don't I?" he said with a playful and conceited tone.

"Oh, actually if you're more comfortable looking like this would it help if I say I like your hair down better?" you smiled at him, the brightest and most genuine you had ever given.

He almost choked on his yakisoba with your sudden comment, he clears his throat and looked down so his raven locks can hide the obvious embarrassment on his face as you made him fluster

"Yeah, yeah. I guess so," he said back and things fell a bit silent as you all focused on eating.

The following days got you more excited. Actually, you're getting more company lately than you originally have, and it seems to brighten up your mood for the day. You enjoyed being with Baji and having a little study session in the library and after that, he would help you with your duties. There are other times that you spend some time on the school rooftop and play with the stray cats that seemed to be his friends. Chifuyu sometimes drops by and hand over some yakisoba that you all enjoy as the day comes to an end. There is even a time that Baji walked you home because you got too immersed in teaching him English that it was almost 6 by the time that you left school. You refused his offer, but he insisted on sending you home.

"Thanks for walking me home, Kei! I hope you do well on the exam tomorrow!"

"That's nothing. I have the best teacher don't I?" and he flashed that signature grin, with the sharp canines and all, but he did not look intimidating --not even a bit. He has a smile so bright it could put the sun and the moon to shame, and you loved every second of it.

"A'right, I'm gonna go now! Get some rest y/n!" and he ruffled your hair like a small child.

So when Baji's nowhere to be found around the campus, and neither is Chifuyu to ask where Baji is, you can't help but feel a little glum inside.

This wasn't like you anyway --constantly looking for people to be with. But you can't lie to yourself when you feel that your days are emptier without that poindexter in the library.

After a week or so, you've been starting to get used to the silence that you once have cherished. Doing your daily duties in school without bumping into Baji had just been the usual.

Going on your usual routine, you're here again in this godforsaken library.

Since when did you learn to curse this place anyway?

Moving towards the end of it, you can't help but remember the happy times you've had in here with Baji and felt a slight pang in your heart, though it didn't appear on your face. So when you took a right turn after the last bookshelf and saw someone -- black long wavy locks, falling off the back of the chair as he leans his head into it --your face turned brighter.

"Kei!" you exclaimed happily as you trot towards him leaving the trolley behind.

"Yo, y/n. I didn't notice ya there," he said plainly.

"Oh it's fine. You should've called me if you're going to be here, Kei!" you enthusiastically said.

"Ah, it's fine. I'm not here to study anyway," he did not even try to lie about his situation.

"Oh, is that so," you said in a low voice.

"Yeah. A lot of things have been going in my mind lately. I just thought this place is quiet enough," he continued to explain.

"And yeah, sorry for being missing for a few weeks," he muttered an apology that sounded sincere but his mind was clearly not there.

"Yeah, it's alright," worry traced in your voice now.

"It's just my friends," he continued without batting an eye at you

"They're my treasure, and yet I don't know how to help them. I tried all that I could but I can't help, I feel like this is my endgame,"

"Kei.."

You don't know how to respond to what he said, and you also don't know what's going on. So you just let him continue talking about these conundrums and his friends.

The silence surrounding you both has been broken by the sudden ring on Baji's phone.

"Oh, Kazutora"

"Yeah."

"I'll be there."

After the exchange of a few words, he put down his phone and picked up his jacket.

"Yeah, I guess I gotta go now." he slowly stood up from his chair and tucked it underneath the table.

"Take care Kei!" a line that you obviously tried so hard to mask with enthusiasm.

As he is starting to head back to the entrance, he suddenly jogged back to you and peeked through the bookshelf.

"Hey y/n!" he called

"Yeah?"

"Think you can compile some notes for me before the finals arrive? Don't wanna make my mom cry again," he said with a pout.

"Oh, yeah sure!" you said surprised at how his demeanor has changed.

"That's set then!" and he trailed off,

"Oh and one more thing!" Baji said running back.

"Hm? What is it this time?" you asked him with your head titled.

"I'll take ya out for some peyoung after finals! My treat! See ya!"

And just like he was gone,

but he sure did leave a huge smile on your face.

After that moment with Baji in the library, you haven't seen him for 4 days now and he seems like he has been missing classes lately. It's less than a week before finals start, so by this time you have already compiled everything that you needed to review.

By all honesty, you worked hard and fast to finish this reviewer because you wanted Baji to immediately have it so you have a reason to see him.

God, how much you missed just being in his presence.

And on another note, he dropped some charm from his jacket the last time you saw him in the library, and it seemed to be important. So you kept it and wanted to surprise him when you give it back.

When classes ended and you left your room, you caught a glimpse of Chifuyu who was passing by the school. You tried to run after him and call his name but he doesn't seem to notice you as your distance is just far.

You decided that you'd just follow him until he stops and ask where Baji is so you can hand over the reviewer and the charm.

You followed Chifuyu for quite a time and your legs are already about to give out, and then he suddenly stops.

Your vision is a bit hazy since you're so exhausted from all the running and almost out of breath, but you managed to reach him by the back.

"Chifuyu--" you said while gasping for air.

"O-oh, y/n!" he was surprised at your sudden appearance.

"I've been chasing you for the last 30 minutes. How can you walk that fast? You a robot or something?"

"Oh, yeah anyway where's Baji?" you finally asked.

"He--" Chifuyu started.

Then suddenly he was cut off by someone

"Baji? You know Baji?" someone behind Chifuyu said.

"Oh Mikey--" Chifuyu tried to explain. But before he can finish his words you interject.

"Mikey?" you said.

"You're the Invincible Mikey?" you further probed.

"Oh, Draken too... Mitsuya...," you said while scanning their faces.

"You guys haven't changed much, didn't you? Except your hair got all longer just like Baji," and you let out a small laugh.

"You looked all adorable in that commemorative picture of yours,"

"Wait, how do you know us?" Mikey asked you.

"Oh well, about a few days ago Baji told me about you guys and showed me this," you tried to fish something out of your breast pocket.

"Here!" you exclaimed excitedly.

Mikey snatched the charm in your hand and opened it only to see their commemorative picture for founding Toman.

"He kinda dropped that before he left and I wasn't able to see him since so yeah.." you explained.

"So he's had it with him all this time.." Mikey said, voice solemn.

"Hmm, I guess so? Kei's always referred to you guys as his treasures," you flashed a smile at Mikey.

"Oh, where is Baji anyway? And why are we all standing he--"

Then you scanned your surroundings for the first time, only for a stone grave to appear when you faced right.

'Baji Family Grave' it spells.

Just there and then your enthusiastic demeanor was superseded by a horrified look, your voice is shaking but you tried to clear your voice.

"Oh, did someone from Kei's family passed away?" you were looking at them for affirmation but no one dared to meet your gaze. They are all looking down.

"That's the reason why he hadn't shown up in school yet right?"

"Right Chifuyu?" you asked again.

But when no one answered you, your tears already formed streams into your cheeks. Everything else faded as you looked down on the grave, filled with flowers, incense, and a half-eaten peyoung by its foot.

You sat there, in front of the grave, clutching onto the reviewers on your chest that you've made for him. You can only stare and say your prayers as much as you can, but nothing can bring him back.

And at that moment, once again, your world is turning into silence.

If someone would ask you how you found most of the good things in your life, you could probably say you found them when you were alone.

You met your decade-long bestfriend sitting by an empty waiting shed. You got the kindest, most adorable pup you have by wandering off the streets looking for your friend's home. You've found a homey diner that brings good memories because you were once lost, then found.

After all, you would not have met Baji and had all the good times with him if not for the afternoon that you were alone attending to your library duties.

But as others have said,

All good things must come to an end.

a/n: Woah thank you for making it this far and supporting my fic <3 I am always grateful for you guys for reading through my work :')) I'm sending love and hugs to all of you out there you bawled your eyes for baji :'))

[intercoursefluids]

Marry Me Part 1

Dick cracks the kitchen door open and takes a picture of the scene.

Marinette kneading dough with a focused look on her face, Damian sitting at the counter occasionally looking up at Marinette before continuing to sketch.

Dick turns to the side, noticing Alfred coming his way and scrambles to hide the evidence of his snooping.

Alfred looks at him, raising an eyebrow before walking in the door.

Dick waits around 6 minutes for Alfred to walk out and away before creeping back over to the door.

Soft instrumental music now fills the air, Marinette humming along as Damian watches her with a soft smile.

Marinette's soft humming fills the air accompanied by Damian's pencil strokes.

Dick pulls out his phone taking a small video and posting it to his personal twitter with the caption “It’s so Domestic!” followed with a crying emoji.

Marinette finishes kneading the dough and starts to form them into little rolls, placing them on the pan as she sways to the music.

Jason arrives just as she finishes.

Dick waves like crazy, signaling him to be quiet, and for once Jason listens.

He comes over peeking through the door with Dick before breaking out into a wide grin, pulling his phone out as Marinette places the pan in the oven, turning on the timer before washing her hands of the flour.

They watch as she hums swaying to the music as she dries her hand with a dish towel when the unexpected happens.

Now to understand their shock, you’ll need some background information.

Damian Wayne would rather gouge out his own eyes before dancing with someone.

So imagine their surprise when their little brother stands up and walks over to an oblivious Marinette, humming softly with her.

He taps her on the shoulder to get her attention before bowing at the waist and holding out his hand to her.

“May I have this dance?”

Marinette smiles blindingly bright before placing her hand in his.

He guides her around the room, spinning her periodically with the softest look any of them have ever seen on his face.

He starts to hum louder than before as he spins her before pulling her close again with a hand on her face.

Dick has to put a hand over his mouth and pass his phone to Jason because he's shaking so much. Tears stream freely down his face as he stifles his sobs.

“This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Neither brother even jumps at Selinas sudden voice, instead mutely nodding their agreements.

Dick leans back against his step-mom, sniffling at the display of affection playing out in front of them.

“It’s okay Dick, me and Selina are crying too.”

One look at Jason and Selina confirms that they are both in fact crying as they record. Well in Jason's case his eyes are a little shiny.

The song comes to an end as a timer rings.

They break away and Dick takes back his phone, stopping the video as Marinette checks and something in a pot on the stove.

Dick is about to step away when he notices Selina still filming and Tim walking towards them.

“What are you all doing? And why is Selina recording?”

Thankfully Tim seems to notice the secretive atmosphere and whispers not giving away their position to the two inside the kitchen.

“Your little brother is being sweet and I have a feeling that he’s not done being affectionate yet.”

Tim raises an eyebrow crouching down next to the rest of them and pulls out his phone before pointing it through the gap.

“Blackmail kinda sweet or make me cry kinda sweet?”

He turns back to the rest and sees Dicks face before pulling out a handkerchief that Marinette made him.

“Nevermind.”

They turn back in time to see Marinette finish stirring whatever is in the pot and move it off the heat before turning back to Damian.

Hugging him she rests her head on his chest with a smile as a new song starts up.

“Do you want to dance?”

Marinette looks up at Damian with a confused smile on her face.

“I thought we already did, mon chou?”

Damian chuckles softly tucking some of the hair that fell from her bun behind her ear.

“That we did, Habibiti. But against my better judgment I can’t help but find that dancing with you is one of the finer things in life.”

Marinette smirks at him, her hand coming up to grasp the wrist of the hand still cupping her cheek.

“Well then maybe we shouldn’t dance, afterall too much of something you enjoy can lead to an addiction.”

Damian smiles, swooping down to kiss her softly before pulling away.

“Indulge me just this once?”

Marinette sighs heavily, before speaking.

“Oh alright, but just this once.”

Behind the door there isn’t a dry eye in sight, even Jason shed a tear or two.

They start dancing again but not quite how they were before.

Before they were doing proper ballroom dances, now they just hold each other close and sway. Marinette's arms around his neck and her head resting on his chest, meanwhile Damians arms wrap around her waist, pulling her flush against him with his chin resting on top of her head, both of their eyes closed. The perfect picture of contentment.

Dick snaps a picture before immediately posting it to his twitter with an attempt at a caption that looks more like a keyboard smash since he can’t see very well through his tears.

They sway together for a long while before a second timer sounds.

They break apart, albeit reluctantly, and Marinette pulls the tray from the oven before carrying it over to the counter and switching the now golden brown buns to a cooling rack.

Since she is now facing the door the brothers plus Selina have a perfect view of Damians face from where he stands behind her.

Dick, now coherent enough to take pictures without them being blurry, lets the others film as he takes another picture. Posting it again to his private twitter so the rest of the family can see.

His face is full of pure adoration and love for the girl working in front of him.

“Mon Chou? Can you grab the glaze from the fridge? I need it.”

Damian immediately snaps out of his daze to do as she asks. He places the bowl by her hand before wrapping her up in a hug from behind, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

“I love you, Marinette.”

Dick immediately takes two pictures, one with just the hug and Marinette working and another of her smiling after he says he loves her. And just like the rest, he immediately uploads them.

She smiles, stepping away to untie her apron and walking away. Effectively breaking the hug much to their 4 spectators disappointment.

“I love you too, Damian.”

She walks around the counter to hang up her apron, leaving only a few feet between her and the people who are filming them.

She doesn’t make it.

“I think I want to marry you.”

The 4 sharp inhales go unnoticed by the two teens as Marinette drops her apron, spinning around to face Damian with a bright blush.

“What?”

Marinette's voice is barely a whisper, as Damian rounds the island to come stand next to her, taking her hands and accidentally angling them in the perfect view to show both of their faces to the cameras.

“Let me reword that. Marinette, I know I want to marry you.”

Tears start to form in her eyes as Damian gets down on one knee, pressing a kiss to each of her hands before he starts to speak again.

“Marinette, you are so incredibly phenomenal. Ever since the first day I met you I knew I was doomed to fall for you, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard I would actually fall.”

Dick snaps another picture managing to type out a simple “OMFG” before posting.

“You are the only one I have ever been able to see myself spending the rest of my life with, the only one I have ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”

Tears stream down Marinette's face as Damian looks into her eyes.

“I know that you have been hurt by the people you trusted most, you’ve told me how the people who were supposed to stay by your side turned you back on you.”

Damian sighs, turning her hands up and kissing her palms.

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng, I vow from this day forward that in any way I may accidentally hurt you, even when I try my damndest to prevent it, that I will allow it to be done onto myself tenfold. I will stand by your side but I will never force you to remain by mine. When you want to take the lead I will cover your blind spots and protect you from those who try to blindside you. When you can’t think of a plan right away, or are too overwhelmed to take the lead I will stand front and center to cover you till we make it to safety. My sword arm, my strength, and my knowledge are at your disposal. And my heart and love are yours to take.”

Selina reaches over dick to Jason and Tim, putting her hands on their shoulders as they both cry freely.

“I know I’m not the best at expressing or even understanding my emotions.”

Marinette opens her mouth at his self deprecating tone, but Damian rushes to catch her off guard.

“Even so, the one thing I am sure of is that there will never be enough words to tell you just how much I love you. I will happily spend everyday for the rest of my life, trying to show you just how much you mean to me. And even then it won’t be enough.”

Damian pauses giving Marinette time to let out her thoughts before he continues.

“Oh Damian, I-, but what will everyone think? We’re 16! No one even knows I am with you outside of friends and family. What will we do when people call me a gold digger? I- people in France already don’t like me. I don’t want to drag you through the mud with me by agreeing to marry you Damian.”

Marinette winces, slowly pulling her hands away from Damians. He just grips them tighter.

“Marinette.” His serious tone makes everything go quiet, silencing even his brothers and stepmom's soft sobs.

“There are only two things in existence that could stop me from marrying you and one of them is if you say ‘No’. If the people in France believe that they have any say in what you do or don’t do just because they believe the words of a liar over you, it just proves that they are even dumber than I thought. As for our age? We can be engaged for the two years it takes us to turn 18, or if you want, we can wait longer. I don’t mind. And I’m pretty sure that if someone called you a ‘gold digger’ Jason, Dick, and Tim would put a stop to it before word even got to us.”

He gently pulls her hands back again, kissing her palms as she speaks.

“What's the other thing?”

He hums in question, meeting her eyes.

“You said that there were only two things that could stop you from marrying me, one was me saying ‘No’. What’s the other?”

Damian straightens slightly making sure she knows just how serious he is.

“Death.”

It's silent for a minute, no one daring to breathe.

“Yes.”

It's barely a whisper, hardly more than a breath, and yet it holds more worth than anything else in the world.

“Yes I will marry you, Damian.”

Damian immediately jumps up wrapping Marinette in a hug and spinning around with the before dropping to the ground again.

“I can’t believe you said yes.”

Marinette laughs at Damian, happy tears flowing down her face.

“You asked me!”

“I didn’t think that I was lucky enough for you to actually say yes!”

Marinette giggles again pulling Damian into a kiss that he happily returns, at least before he groans loudly and breaks, instead resting his forehead against hers.

“What's wrong?”

Damian sighs his shoulders lumping before answering.

“I have to tell my brothers and Selina by tomorrow. At least Dick and Selina so they can help me-”

He cuts off, paling severely.

“Dicks gonna kill me. I proposed to you without a ring, and he will skin me alive for it.”

Marinette laughs again.

“I’ll ask him to spare you. Besides, he can’t have me as his sister-in-law if he kills my husband.”

Marinette blushes at him as he smiles.

“Tomorrow, I’ll get the ring tomorrow. I don’t think I could wait any longer than that to finally put a ring on your finger.”

They cuddle up together, relishing in each other's presence.

Dick is the first to stand up, followed by Jason, Tim, and then Selina.

They walk down to the cave, all staying silent as their phones save the videos they were lucky enough to take.

Once they make it the tears start up again, full volume wails coming from dick and sniffles from Jason.

“That was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”

Dick cries into his stepmother's hair. His brothers following suit.

All of a sudden Dicks phone starts going off like crazy.

He pulls it out annoyed ready to tell whoever is on the other end off for interrupting his cry sesh.

467 notifications and climbing from twitter.

He opens it to the picture he snapped when Damian started swinging Marinette through the air with the caption ‘She said yes! BRB gonna go cry my eyes out’.

He looks at his username with horror, paling considerably as he looks at his family.

“I fucked up.”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 301: All My Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: We learned that when a bunch of superpowered villains are suddenly set loose with nobody around to stop them, things get fucked pretty quickly. Old Man Samurai and a bunch of other useless people decided to make “I pretend I do not see it” their new mantra, and resigned. Endeavor had a moment of despair on account of being crushed by the guilt of having ruined the lives of himself, his family, and basically everyone else in the entire world. For various reasons the heretical notion of “person who has done bad things feels sorry for doing them” sent fandom spiraling into a meltdown, so that was fun. The chapter ended with the entire Todoroki clan descending upon Enji’s hospital room to have a dramatic chat about Touya and All That General Fuckery.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “here’s the story of how Baby Touya slowly went insane trying to win his father’s love.” It’s a tale full of subverted expectations and heartbreaking inevitability, and also like twenty panels of the cutest fucking kids who ever existed on planet earth, who are so fucking cute that I can’t stop thinking about their cuteness even with all of the horrifying family tragedy unfolding around them. It is absolutely ridiculous how cute they are. Touya is out here pushing his tiny body past its limits because he inherited the same obsession as his dad and neither of them can put it aside even though it’s destroying them, and yet all I can think about is Baby Shouto’s (。･o･｡) face. Anyways what a chapter.

so I have to confess that even though I managed to avoid being caught off-guard by the early leaks, the number of people reblogging my Endeavor posts from earlier this week and using the tag “bnha 301” kind of gave me an inkling that this chapter will include more Tododrama lol. that said, I don’t know anything else about it, so we’re still good spoiler-wise

AHHHHH FLAHSBAKC AHHHH. omg I know I typoed the shit out of that, but I’m just going to leave it lol I think it’s fitting

holy shit holy fuck. so this is Rei and Enji’s first meeting, then??

yepppp, oh shit

so wait, I know this is not even the slightest bit important, but are they meeting at Enji’s home or Rei’s? because I always figured that Enji was the one with the super-Japanese aesthetic, but maybe that was Rei’s side of the family all along

(ETA: from what I found during my very brief google search, omiai meetings are often held at fancy hotels or restaurants, so maybe that’s what this is.)

there’s such a period drama feel to this setting. like it’s so outrageously formal fff how can anyone stand this kind of atmosphere though seriously

OH THANK GOD

I mean they’re still stiff af but at least they’re not rigidly sitting in seiza and staring at each other unblinkingly anymore lol. Enji’s actually got his hands in his pockets now. why is this somehow almost cute

oh damn it’s the flowers

Rei seems so subdued and it’s so hard to get any idea of what she’s actually thinking. I want to see her side of this dammit

but anyway, so at least from Enji’s perspective it seems like even though the marriage was arranged and he picked her because of her quirk, he still loved his wife and wanted to do right by her. the fact that he was watching her and noticed that she liked the flowers, and remembered that detail for all these years -- there’s a reason why Horikoshi’s showing us this. we know what’s going to happen later on; we know how much fear and violence and breaking of trust is coming up ahead, and while it may seem like this scene is serving to soften Enji’s character further -- which to be fair it is -- it also helps drive home the full impact of his abuse. that it’s so terrible not only because of the trauma of the abuse itself, but also because of the way it retroactively destroys all of the good things as well. this could have potentially been such a sweet scene, but it’s inescapably tainted by the knowledge of what’s to come, at least for me. and that’s just brutal

anyways, shit. is the whole chapter going to be like this?? feel free to toss in something I can actually make a joke about sometime, Horikoshi

oop, back to the present

omfg lol

“are you all right” “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” “oh, right, because of all the stuff that’s happened with me abusing you and you having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized for ten years and then our son coming back to life and killing thirty people, right, right. I almost forgot.” whoops

omfg you guys I’m loving this new and improved steely-eyed Rei. I’m loving her a lot

and what do you mean “part one” fkjds how long is this going to be. TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ONE CHAPTER TO HANDLE

oh, hello

yeah I’ll say you did. didn’t seem to bother you much at the time, though

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Dabi Is A Noumu intensifies even further. anyways though would you fucking look at this boy lounging on this moth-eaten couch doing his best DRAW ME LIKE YOUR FRENCH GIRLS impression wtf

Dabi what if you actually had killed him??? what would you feel?? satisfaction?? regret?? anything at all?? tell me your secrets goddammit

who are you talking to buddy

Fuyumi-chan, Natsu-kun (is it common for brothers to address each other as -kun?? can’t recall seeing that in many other anime, but hey), and “dot dot dot,,,,,, SHOUTO” lol thank you so much for this bountiful heaping of Tododrama Horikoshi we are blessed

AH, WHAT DID I SAY THE OTHER DAY

ULTIMATE MELODRAMATIC THEATER CHILD. “I’M JUST GOING TO LIE ON THIS COUCH SHIRTLESS AND ALONE AND MAKE SPEECHES TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T THERE AND SAY THINGS LIKE ‘WATCH ME IN THE PITS OF HELL’ WITH A STRAIGHT FACE BECAUSE NO ONE’S THERE TO JUDGE ME.” WELL JOKE’S ON YOU MISTER CHATTERBOX BECAUSE I AM IN FACT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LOL

(ETA: and on a more serious note, it’s interesting to see that “look at me”/”watch me” theme being used again though, because we see that same sentiment uttered repeatedly by the younger Touya in the flashback. well kid, you definitely got your wish at last. don’t know what else to say.)

OKAY HORIKOSHI HAS DECIDED THAT’S ENOUGH FUN, TIME FOR MORE FLASHBACKS

oh my sweet precious lord

just as cute as we left him. giving us a child this cute when we all know full well what’s going to happen to him is just unspeakably cruel though

HOMG

I’m fucking speechless. you broke me, congratulations. what am I even supposed to do with this

I can’t get over this. moving forward my life will be split into two distinct parts, B.P. (Before the Pout) and A.P. (After the Pout)

and meanwhile there’s ALL THIS BACKGROUND ANGST BUILDING UP, AND I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON IT. Touya’s arm and cheek are covered in bandages (I’m guessing this is shortly after that “ouch!” panel we got some chapters back), and Enji is deliberately avoiding training with him because he doesn’t want him to hurt himself further. I can’t fucking get over the irony that all this time everyone thought Touya had died because Enji pushed him too far in his training, and it turns out that it’s the opposite -- the tragedy ultimately happened because he didn’t want to push him. but I’m jumping ahead of myself though I guess

by the way,

remember this?? just wanted to remind you that it exists just in case you forgot

so now someone is talking and basically saying that Touya is the exact opposite of what Enji was hoping for when he decided to start playing with quirk genetics

-- okay hold up

...lol no, never mind. for a second I thought “holy shit he looks kind of familiar WHAT IF IT’S UJIKO OMG” before I remembered that Enji would have recognized him during the hospital capture mission if that was the case. so NEVER MIND, PROCEED

IMAGINE THAT, ENJI DOESN’T QUITE SEEM SATISFIED WITH THIS SUGGESTION OF QUITTING NOW

(ETA: how the fuck did this man go around saving 62 towns in a single day what even is All Might.)

[clicks tongue several times] trouble a’brewin’

MEANWHILE BABY TOUYA HAS UNFORTUNATELY INHERITED HIS DAD’S STUBBORN STREAK

KLDIHWOEIJFL:KSDJ

!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god. oh my god. what is this chapter. WHAT IS IT

so now Touya is all “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MANLY DESIRE TO BURN MYSELF ALIVE” well you got her there champ

THEY’RE TOO CUTE. OH MY GOD. HIS FURIOUS LITTLE TEARS. HER CHUBBY LIL FACE. HIS STUBBY LIL FISTS. SOMEONE HELP ME

also are they just home alone lol or what. “hey Touya, you’re what, like six now?? do us a favor and look after your baby sister for a couple hours for us would you? make sure not to set yourself on fire or anything.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!

now it’s nighttime and Enji and Rei are arguing, presumably about his decision not to train Touya anymore

whew. okay. so, a couple of things here

1. first of all I think this conclusively shows that Enji really was trying to do the best he could for Touya. he stopped training him as soon as he realized it was hurting him, but Touya was still determined so he tried to make it work anyway, and even visited doctors to try and figure out if there was anything they could do. then, once they were absolutely sure that it wasn’t going to work, he tried multiple times to explain to Touya why they had to stop. he didn’t just abandon him out of the blue, which is really important to note. “no matter how much I tried telling him...”

so yeah, that debunks another common fandom accusation. so by the time he finally makes this decision, which we all know is going to turn out horribly, it’s basically because he’s already tried everything else he could think of. which, by the way, still doesn’t mean he handled this right. but at the very least he was taking Touya’s feelings into account and he was trying, and he didn’t just abruptly toss his son aside (at least not yet)

2. buuuut, then there’s this panel right below all that

which is the other side of it. if he’d just quit like the doctor person advised him to, that would have been the end of it. Touya would still have been upset, but he would have eventually gotten over it and the family would have moved on and possibly even been happy. but what happens next happens because Enji can’t let go. he still has this maddening urge to surpass All Might, and so he and Rei keep having more children, and then Shouto is born, and Enji finally has a kid he can start projecting all of his hysterical ambitions onto once again, and everything starts spiraling out of control soon after

though p.s. none of that is Shouto’s fault though!! he’s one of the few good things to come out of this whole mess and I’m very happy that he exists. the tragedy is that his dad fucking lost his mind over his quirk and fucked everything up. but that’s on him, not Touya or Shouto

anyways, SLKFJLSHGLKJL

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS YOU GUYS??? LOOK AT THAT LIL BUTTON OF A NOSE??? I’M LOSING IT HERE???

AND TOUYA JUST SEEMS DEVASTATED OMG

because children aren’t stupid, after all. he understands that his dad is still looking to surpass All Might. and so he feels like a failure, and feels like his dad is trying to replace him because he wasn’t good enough. and even now, isn’t that what the adult Touya is trying to prove?? that he was good enough after all?? “I’ll show you what happens when you give up on me, dad”?? “I’ll show you what I can do”?? fuck my life fuck everything

AND YOU CAN SEE THE TOLL THAT IT’S ALL TAKING ON REI GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS WELL OH GOD

really nice touch here with the panel outlines becoming all shimmery from the heat of Endeavor’s flames (and/or becoming more unstable as the family gets closer and closer to their breaking point). but man, Horikoshi I can’t handle this, please show us more cute kids or something I can’t

GKELKWFJLDKSHFLKL

WITTLE BABE. BEEB. BUBS. SMOL. lkj; oh ouch a piece of my heart just detached and latched onto him huh look at that

TODOROKI “I’M SO SMALL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AND I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE” SHOUTO AHHHHH

crazy how they all just seem to know right off the bat lol. kid doesn’t even have object permanence yet, let alone a quirk. but do they care?? IT’S THE HAIR, RIGHT. WE’RE ALL THINKING IT, I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. they knew the minute they looked at him lol

AND MEANWHILE TOUYA IS OFF HAVING UNSUPERVISED TRAINING/CRYING SESSIONS IN THE MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER, AND, UH OH

are those blue flames yet?? they seem pretty close

(ETA: this is one of the few cases where the manga being in black and white is infuriating lol.)

OH MY GOD AND STILL

so it’s not like he was so disinterested that he didn’t notice what was happening, and he was still trying to stop it and get through to him. trying to reassure him that it wasn’t the end of the world and there were other things he could do with his life, but this one particular thing just wasn’t going to happen

fucking hell. it’s agonizing seeing how close they actually were to fixing it. if he’d only said the right words, or if he’d realized at this point how destructive his obsession could be to his kids, and backed off from putting that same pressure on Shouto. we came so close to possibly having a happy ending

AND ALSO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT PLEASE LOOK AT HOW TOUYA IS LIKE THREE AND A HALF FEET TALL AND HIS DAD IS LIKE NINE AND A HALF FEET. Touya barely comes past his knees flkjlkg. the Todoroki household must have been so filled with like plastic stepstools to reach the bathroom sink and all the little baby toothbrushes, and baby gates to keep the kiddos out of the important grown-up rooms and stuff. and also days-old half-empty cups of water and stale crackers and hot wheels and my little ponies strewn everywhere

“BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL SAYS THEY’RE GONNA BE HEROES” a wild Deku parallel appears?? how bout that

I know this is like a pivotal moment in the Todo Tragedy and all, but fucking look at this lil dumpling

“sup bro, it’s me, the manifestation of your fears of inadequacy and lack of fatherly affections. a GAAA. ba-baAA-baa [gurgling baby sounds]”

OHHHHH IT’S THE SOUND OF MY HEART BREAKING OH NO

HE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ENJI. good lord somebody please just get this family some therapy

“DAD YOU IGNITED IT IN ME” flkjslkj nope, nope. not ready for this pain here

baby Shouto, would you like to weigh in on this affair? “DA!! ba-ga-daaa, [pacifier chewing noises]” oh my, you don’t say. so insightful for one so young

OH MY GODDDDDD

IT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE THE SHOUNEN WOOSH LINES SURROUNDING FOUR-MONTH-OLD SHOUTO LOL HE WAS LIKE THIS FROM BIRTH OH MY GOD I AM DYING HELP

SHOUTO YOU’RE RUINING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER!?!?!

“yo, the fuck kind of family was I fucking born into” oh, son. if you only knew. IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!

(ETA: lmao I got so distracted by the ridiculous cuteness that I glossed over the fact that Baby Touya seems to possibly be aiming at him?? it’s hard to tell because he’s also super out of it from heatstroke and may just be losing control in his attempt to show off his upgrade.)

ANYWAY THAT’S THE END EXCEPT WHAT’S THIS LAST LINE OMG

ffffff. and we’re in for ANOTHER chapter of this next week?? MORE drama?? MORE BABIES?? MORE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TOUYA’S SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT, BUT ALSO YES PLEASE SIGN ME UP

[meatculture]

smash or pass: the current grid <3

alex why....i feel like this is me exposing my soul

i’ll go by teams...

lewis: is this a question? SMASH

george: i once posted something that was definitely me saying i’d smash but i am not so sure anymore. i’ll go with pass rn

charles: smash into the next century

carlos: two weeks ago i would've said pass but um....something happened to me. not my type but i can't resist his hair and eyes any longer. plus i am so intrigued with how he interacts with his teammates. definitely a hit it and quit it situation

max & checo: pass 

lando: pass..he is soooo whiny and there’s nothing to make up for it 😶

danny ricc: i feel like in the right circumstances MAYBE..if i saw him be cringey first i would do the lando and run away but it seems like he might be very charming irl. there would be a lot of alcohol involved and maybe i’d want to get a good look at his thigh tattoos..

fernando: if i told you i definitely had a crush on him in the early 2000s..but on a serious note i would never hook up with someone his age 

esteban: pass for now...i am waiting for more personality input but i am not into tall skinny men. tasha’s prop is working though, we will have to wait and see this year!! also can't get past the hair..

seb: pass rn i can’t handle this hair and beard and the whole narrative surrounding him is so..maybe seeing all his lukewarm politics stuff as a german is what did it bc a couple of months ago i might’ve said something different. i might time travel for rbr seb for some sexist spice

lance: pass

valtteri & zgy: pass, no opinion on mr zhou and for valtteri...lewis is right he's old at heart lol

pierre: hottest i ever found pierre was when he got the ultrasound scan (after knowing he’s alright of course) aksjdasjkakj um i would b very down with a threesome with charles but without his bestie..pierre needs to do something about that non-existent mustache i feel like that could turn everything around. pass until then

yuki: he’s a little young 4 me but objectively top 3 cutest guys on the grid for me

latifi: pass

alex: smash..sometimes i’m super into it sometimes i’m not (i said no gangly men and look at me now...even less ass than esteban but alex surrounds himself with sexy ppl and it’s helping)

kevin: i don’t know him well but he’s not my type at all even though objectively idm him..pass

mick: mr body-ody-ody for last..i appreciate that but i can’t imagine meeting him and wanting to f*ck AT ALL

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[haechanhues]

since it’s been like over 2 weeks here’s an updated version!

Hyunsuk - too be honest if i were to ever meet him, and if it was ever emotional i’d be kinda afraid to just in case he’d cry. his laugh is an instant boost of serotonin. i love his rapping. he honestly makes me emotional and i’m so proud of his character, his achievements and the way he’s so involved with music and the world around him.

Jihoon - sigh. has my heart and soul. i’m whipped for him. everyone knows it too. they just need to look at my posts and then they’re sorted. the amount of times a particular person has caught me being sappy and mushy over him is ridiculous. i want him to get ink on his arm. i caught myself checking out his thighs and calves today. i feel like a animal stalking its prey. he’s so mean but i love it?!

Yoshi - i find myself watching a lot of his compilations lately. i’m also trying to find a particular video where he’s getting his photo taken and (i just remember jeongwoo and junghwan being there) and they’re all like marvelling about how photogenic yoshinori is. which he is. he made me cry the other day with the letters from mum and i watched the reaction cam for ep 6.

Junkyu - juyoung, the younger brother in true beauty actually reminded me of junkyu in episode 13 (my flattie is watching the series) there’s quite a bit of words that he says that i really enjoy hearing him say? - i love the way he said cockroach in hello82 drawing game, some english words cause he actually pronounces them really well but with like a deepish accent?, love seeing and hearing him laugh.

Mashiho - again, he’s so good at everything. and he’s quiet about it as well. everytime he’s in shot he’s always just looking at someone fondly but never taking too much room or whatever. but when he gets in the zone and he just belts something out or laughs really loudly it’s always impactful in some way like whenever he does that my heart just grows for him.

Jaehyuk - he’s super affectionate and sweet. naww. like the way he acts with teumes and everything naww. like he leaves his traces for his fans to find and i think that’s so sweet. and he’s got a bit of a mean streak too i notice haha. he’s still super funny but also very supportive and tends to take care of the people who may be under the weather or not quite feeling the best which is a sort of person that everyone should appreciate.

Doyoung - the way he can just let go of himself to deliver some of his lines. him basically cry laughing at the secret santa type of video that treasure did is so cute. doyoung deserves every little cuddle and affection. he also kind of just readily accepts others and their strange quirks, and he’s got a sort of personality i’ve never really seen before and i think he’s super interesting.

Yedam - still really fucking talented. i also saw that he does tend to get emotional here and there but he’s honestly the cutest. THE SMILE AND THE LAUGH. There’s one particular video where I just can’t help but coo at him. But a truly beautiful person, I’m serious. I listened to Wayo to bed and I was in that state where I was awake but not really awake. Like I felt like I was meditating and it’s such a relaxing song. I love his voice.

Asahi - I’m so excited to talk about him you have no idea. I’m going through an Asahi spurt so~ But like he actually smiles quite a lot and he laughs a lot and it feels truly rewarding when he does. Like last time I talked about how he kind of intimidated me at the start but now he really doesn’t and I truly think he’s one of the members that instantly calms me down when I see him. Like, I want to have a proper conversation with him because idk I just get the vibe he’s definitely someone you should have a meaningful conversation with if you have the opportunity.

Jeongwoo - He’s not as loud as i thought he would be. I am in love with his voice. I watched a couple fansign videos just because and he does not know how to take compliments aye he gets like all embarrassed and all it’s so cute. I was also watching a TMI (??? I think) where it was like the boyfriend simulation and he didn’t know how to act. I find it so funny that he can be shameless at one point and another he’s all like embarrassed and bashful. It’s so cute. ‘I’m just an ugly citizen’ he says WHAT A JOKE. Him during that web drama though - he suits the character for sure.

Haruto - I find him harder to write this for, I don’t know why he was one of the easier ones to write for last time but I’m really struggling this time. But in general I love how he just exists. I know how it looks like a cop out but I promise you it’s not. His eyes and his hair first of all are so glittery and pretty and man I love his eyes so much. I also find it funny how most of the time he looks like he wants to go home but he always does things in the end and he’s not afraid to say anything. He kind of just adapts to the people around him which I find really cool. Like he’s not just a one dimensional character and it shows. (That was terrible, I’m sorry Haruto) 

Junghwan - That ‘different’ line in Boy. It’s so easy to distinguish it as Junghwan’s voice and idk it makes me really fond of him when I can hear him without seeing him. Like I’ll be on the bus or plane and hear him sing that line and like instant dopamine and serotonin. I want to say the exact same thing I said last time but he’s truly the sweetest and I want to see him smile in real life. I truly regard him as a little angel. His laugh too <3 it’s so dorky but I love him. I’m just too fond of this boy.  

Treasure - In general. I’ve been excited to write this segment all day and yet I’ve got nothing at the moment. I binge watched Treasure Map and no wonder I see a lot of people watching it. It’s so entertaining and every episode is quite different or like the same but with a little added extra. I’m so happy I stan Treasure now though, like truly happy. They’ve made me laugh and cry a lot already and it’s been a total of 2-3 weeks. But they’re all so lovely and I’m starting to really love them all. 

[girlsbtrs]

How Being a Woman in Hardcore Helped Me Learn to Love Myself

Written by Jen Moglia. Graphic by Laura Cross. 

Since this is my first piece written for Girls Behind the Rock Show, I figured that I should introduce myself; hi, my name is Jennifer, but most people call me Jen. I live on Long Island in New York, and my favorite things include my cats, the color pink, giving gifts to my Animal Crossing villagers, and watching sports. Above all else, however, I love music.

I frequently refer to music as the love of my life. It somehow plays a role in everything that I do. I got my first iPod when I was five years old, stacked with everything from Miranda Cosgrove and Avril Lavigne to Tool and Deftones. Some of my favorite memories growing up are sitting in my pink and purple bedroom singing and dancing along to Paramore’s crushcrushcrush and Fall Out Boy’s Thnks Fr Th Mmrs on the local alternative radio station. I danced for 12 years, played cello for seven, and am currently a wannabe ukulele rockstar after buying one on impulse and starting to teach myself how to play four years ago. Even on the simplest, barely noticeable levels, music has been everywhere in my life for as long as I can remember; even now, I can’t complete a basic task without a song playing in my headphones.

Music became an even bigger part of my life when I started attending live shows. I went to my first concerts at age 10, seeing my two favorite artists - Nickelodeon boy band Big Time Rush and classic progressive rock band Rush - within one month of each other. By the time I was 15, I had been to my fair share of arena/seated shows with one or both of my parents, from Fifth Harmony to Fitz and the Tantrums to Alice in Chains. My first general admission show was seeing the Foo Fighters at Citi Field with both my mom and dad when I was 12, but my first pop-punk general admission show (yes, they’re different) came a few years later. I had the typical list of favorite bands that you would expect from a young teenager getting into alternative music: Neck Deep, Knuckle Puck, Real Friends, and State Champs. 

In late 2018, I was able to see all four of these bands for the first time, and I am a firm believer that it changed the course of my life. I met, cried-during, and eventually got the setlist for Neck Deep at Stereo Garden on Long Island in September. I sang all of “Untitled” at the barricade for Knuckle Puck at SI Hall at the Fairgrounds in Syracuse in October. I had my first minor concussion scare (yay!) before Real Friends’ set at Irving Plaza in New York City in November. Finally, I crowd surfed for the first time during State Champs’ anniversary show for The Finer Things at House of Independents in Asbury Park in December. After just a few shows, I had fallen in love with this new brand of live music that I had just been introduced too. There was something so magical to me about skin covered in sweat and Sharpie marks, feet hurting from dancing in the pit all night, and meeting strangers on line outside the venue who would become your best friends and know your deepest secrets by the end of the night.

After making some friends at all of the pop-punk shows I was going to, they started to tell me that I should get into hardcore music. I was hesitant at first - the heaviest thing I had listened to at that point was nowhere near the snippets of hardcore that my friends had played for me - but, eventually, I decided to give it a chance. I was bored and home alone with nothing to do one night over the summer of 2019 when I listened to my first hardcore album, Laugh Tracks by Knocked Loose. Immediately, I got that gut feeling that you have when you know you’ve heard one of your favorite bands for the first time. I knew that this was something special that I was meant to find at this point in my life. For the rest of the summer, I worked my way through the rest of my friends’ hardcore and hardcore-adjacent recommendations, with Cost of Living by Incendiary, Stage Four by Touche Amore, You’re Not You Anymore by Counterparts, Time & Space by Turnstile, Springtime and Blind by Fiddlehead, Smile! Aren’t You Happy by Absence of Mine, Bad to my World by Backtrack, and Reality Approaches by Harms Way being some of my favorites. By the time the next school year started, I was hooked, and I already had tickets to my first few hardcore shows in the fall.

My first hardcore show was in November 2019, seeing Knocked Loose at Webster Hall in New York City - fitting, right? They were on tour supporting their new record A Different Shade of Blue, which I had become obsessed with the minute I heard it for the first time. Although I was ridiculously scared of getting stepped on and breaking all my bones (yes, that was an actual fear of mine), I had the time of my life at that show. There was something about this newer kind of live music that prompted a cathartic release, one that I hadn’t found anywhere else before. As soon as the show was over, I was counting the days until my next one.

My love for live hardcore music (and live music and hardcore music in general) has only grown since then, and that story sort of ends there. However, I want to go back to that first hardcore band that I listened to, Knocked Loose, and the album they put out that first summer that stole my heart. I was taken by storm as soon as the first notes of A Different Shade of Blue rang through my headphones, but something was different about the third track, A Serpent’s Touch, particularly the ending; I heard a voice that sounded a little bit more like my own.

This song features Emma Boster, who does vocals for one of my favorite hardcore bands right now, Dying Wish. When I heard A Serpent’s Touch for the first time, though, I had no idea who she was. I was used to the aggressive vocal delivery of frontmen in hardcore, particularly that of Knocked Loose’s Bryan Garris, but hearing it come from her changed my perspective on a lot of things. It’s not like the song was super angry and changed its tune to be lighter once the token girl came along; in her verse, Boster sings, “I watched the venom / Overcome your spirit / Jealousy holds you now / Distorting your appearance / Bleed out.” These were lyrics that held the same intensity that the lines screamed by the men held, and they sounded just as cool coming out of her mouth. As cheesy as it sounds, it had never even occurred to me that women had a place in this new world that I had discovered. The audiences in the live videos I watched (and eventually at the shows I attended) were made up of mostly men who looked bigger and older than me. When I did start going to shows, most of the non-man population consisted of my friends and I. Emma Boster, along with so many others, began to open my eyes to the fact that a place for people like me existed in this community. It didn’t matter that I had bright red hair or liked butterflies or wore pink - I was just as much a part of this magic as the men multiple feet taller than me with tattoo-covered arms, and I belonged there just as much as they did.

As time went on and I got more involved in the genre’s music and community, I discovered more bands with women in them, and it only fueled this fire of empowerment inside of me. When I felt insecure, I’d watch live sets from Krimewatch, a hardcore band from New York City, just half an hour away from my hometown. They have multiple women as members, including their energetic badass of a vocalist, Rhylli Ogiura. Year of the Knife became one of my all-time favorites, and their bassist Madison Watkins became a serious inspiration to me; the way that she can balance killing it on stage and running the cutest, most pink apparel brand I’ve ever seen (aptly titled Candy Corpse) amazes me. Even some of the bands I’ve found more recently have had an impact on me. I started listening to Initiate last year when their EP Lavender came out, and their beautifully colorful cover art caught my eye before I had heard any of their songs. Their vocalist, Crystal Pak, is also a woman, and she’s insanely talented. Discovering this kind of representation in this new universe that I had come to feel so at home in introduced me to a world of confidence and determination that I had never known before.

When people ask me why I love hardcore so much, I often give the easy answer; “the music sounds good.” If the person allows me to ramble on for a little longer, the answer becomes much more emotional and cheesy. Hardcore taught me that speaking up for what I believe in is important, and if there’s something I’m passionate about, it’s worth shouting about. I became familiar with this when listening to one of my favorite bands ever, Incendiary (the second hardcore band I ever checked out), before quickly realizing that politics are a pretty common topic within the genre - it’s what this music was practically built on. The first time I heard their vocalist Brendan Garrone singing about police brutality and injustice on songs like Force of Neglect and Sell Your Cause, I realized that there is so much more to music than just sounding good.

However, at its core, the thing I love so much about hardcore is what it taught me about being a woman. Growing up, I was the loud girl with the personality bigger than the room who always had something to say and had a never ending supply of excitement about just about everything. As I got older, I was taught that this was not okay. People didn’t like how enthusiastic I was about everything, or that I constantly had new ideas and new discoveries I wanted to talk about. As cliche as it sounds, I felt like everyone around me was trying to dull my sparkle, especially some of the men that I was encountering on a day-to-day basis. Even when I started to come to terms with my big and bright personality, in turn also coming to terms with my own femininity, I was told that this wasn’t how girls acted. I had to pick one - I could watch Disney princess movies and wear Hello Kitty hair clips, or I could be outspoken about my beliefs; but never both. The women that I mentioned earlier, along with so, so many more, helped me unlearn these toxic mindsets. Seeing someone like Emma Boster take the stage and scream ferociously for a full set helped me see that I could be a girl and still be a powerhouse. Following Madi Watkins around on social media showed me that I could love bands like Year of the Knife and also love heart-shaped purses and wear pink from head to toe. My aggression and passion didn’t make me any less of a woman, and my femininity didn’t make me any less of a force to be reckoned with. 

So, at the end of this love letter to hardcore and the women who run it, I say this; thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to shrink myself anymore. It has made a world of a difference.

[robin-the-enby]

Hello there! I hope you are fine. May I have a Black Butler matchup?

So uh I'm 17, INFP, a pisces and a pan. I have short, straight black hair with black-ish big eyes. I have an round face with chubby cheeks even though I'm a bit of the thin side.I have long eyelashes and wear glasses. So basically I have baby face and I don't show my age at all! As for my height I'm 1.70 cm.

For my personality, I'm that mom-friend that every friend group has. Need some painkillers? BAM! Need some pads? Do you need 1 or 50? You are hurt? Don't worry I have an aid kit. Your stomach or head hurts? Honey, don't you worry I have a various kind of herb teas with myself.

If someone needs a shoulder to cry on, that person is me. If somebody hurts my friends I go like "So you are saying that he/she/they broke your heart? Okay give me the names and addresses. Now."I would deal with them and then say "So do I need to break some more faces?" I'm not that violent but if they touch my family and friends.... May God help them.

But I'm actually very kind and smiley. I'm the kind of person who smiles at strangers, hold the door for them, talk with a waiter casually and smile at them as well. I never judge someone for their nationality, skin color, language, sexuality etc. And If I see someone bully another person for these reasons or another one, I stand against the bully and if needed I beat them.

I may seem like an cold and serious person at first meeting but over time I'm the biggest goofball and crackhead you can ever see! Sometimes I'm a bit sarcastic and tease my closest friends a lot- ofc I never offend them. I know what they are insecure about( if they are, WHICH isn't allowed on my watch.- and My friends always tell me that I kinda flirt with them but I never realize and When I actually try to flirt, I can't? But I also know how to be serious as well.

For the hobbies; I love watching anime, literature, myths, listening and observing people, comforting people or just listen their rantings, reading, listening music and singing.... I am not that good at gardening and stuff but sometimes I do this as well...

Thanks a lot in advance and I'm glad I found you blog!😍😘

Hi, I'm doing amazing, thanks for asking! I honestly wish every mom friend out there a very pleasant existence. Don't forget to take care of yourself, huns! I match you with:

Soma

This dude, omg. He'd declare his love for you the day you two meet.

Of course, at that time he isn't really in love with you (yet), but he definitely wants to spend more time with you.

And oh boy does he spend more time with you. As soon as he finds out where you live, he'd be at your doorstep every day, asking if you wanted to hang out.

If you'd say no, he'd give you the most convincing and iressistible puppy dog eyes that you've ever seen.

This man child is very clingy, but Agni holds him back to an extent, because everybody needs time for themselves.

Btw, Agni is your biggest shipper and fan, you have his infinite blessings from the start.

But as soon as you set some boundaries (and trust me when I say you gotta do it firmly, because he can be a bit thick, if you know what I mean), he'll become the cutest, most selfless boyfriend you've ever had.

Mans is enchanted by your kind and helping personality, but he'd rather if you both got pampered by Agni (who is honestly just really happy for you two so he doesn't mind) than you doing the work.

However, if you're insistent, he'll just sigh and later on brag to everyone (ehmehmCielehmehm) about how kind of a girlfriend he's got and how you're his entire life and he'd give up anything for you if he had to.

Have you ever forgotten to take care of yourself, since you're taking care of others all the time? Well, not anymore! Soma makes sure that if you're adamant on taking care of him and others, you will get taken care of as well!

That said, sometimes he gets jealous of Agni if you spend too much time with him, assuring that he's ok too or anything else. He'd pull you away to do something and act pouty around Agni and the poor khansama has no clue what he did wrong.

Soma plans days off for you two, be it so that you could just be lazy all day and stay in bed or have a picnic or go to a spa.

Sometimes he gets insecure about his personality, worrying that he's "too much" and overwhelming (usually after getting scolded by Ciel).

He'd love if you just cuddled him and reassured him that you won't leave him because he's too loud.

He's very handsy as well, kind of like Lizzy with Ciel, just not as forcefull. He won't yank you around, but he is the master of surprise hugs and suddenly picking you up off the ground.

He's not really a crackhead, but definitely a himbo. So your energies go very well together <3

Agni would tell the both of you stories and myths from India, sing you their songs and Soma would try to teach you some dances if you'd like. If you say yes, he's over the moon! He can't wait to dress you in their national robes, you'll look like a princess that you basically are now.

In return, you can share some myths from your country and get them both familiar with your culture in return.

Soma would just be such a great and fun boyfriend!

I can also see you with: I wanted to say Joker, because I feel like he's also very kind to those around him, but I don't have that good of a grasp on him yet, since I'm in the process of watching Book of circus. But definitely Grell Sutcliff - She loves to get pampered and taken care of. Would love it if you listened to her ramble. But she knows not to just take from someone. I feel like she'd love to spoil you almost as much as she loves to be spoiled. Like, this woman goes all out. Spa days and makeovers and shopping are a must. She'll give you her honest opinions on outfits that would look good on you and trust me, she has a keen eye ;) You just need to remind her sometimes to slow down or calm down a bit, she's very excited since there's finally somebody who gives her the love and attention she deserves <3

[lovenona]

ship your moots? (´,,•ω•,,)♡

ok king here we go

@suedebunn; rengoku. i am adamant in this. bunny girl lyn with big kind-hearted flame boy? it is a match made in heaven. u deserve to be happy 

@two-percent-milk; nanami. how does it feel to be god’s favorite? u deserve a man who will take care of u but also dismantle capitalism with his bare hands

@kmorgzz; kuroo. no i am not just saying this because i’m an astrological kuroo kinnie. u need a man who will have some crazy [redacted] with u but also knows when to be kind and serious <3

@alto-march-of-death; ushijima. i know akaashi is ur soulmate but there is something about wakatoshal that cannot be expressed in human language. u guys have a cat, for god’s sake 

@cryptidkatts; sakusa. kattoomi supremacy now and forever. u deserve old money sakusa who buys u art supplies and also [redacted for content.] kattoomi is written in the stars. kattoomi is canon. goodnight

@keishinslove; ukai. hot e-girl and sexy possibly mafia daddy. i’m literally crying thinking abt this i don’t think I need to elaborate any further ur honor

@waitforitillwritemywayout; sakusa. u deserve to be happy, darling. u would both be so funny and chill and i think i would be so intimidated by ur super cool and suave presence. please get married

@introloves; bokuto. is this a surprise??? jax has the sweetest, bubbliest personality and absolutely deserves a man with big tiddies and even bigger thighs to love and cherish her

@osamwu; mattsun. ever since i have met u i have learned that kitty and mattsun r the cutest little couple in the universe. i wish this happy couple all the best <3

@spikesbimbo; spike. girl u absolutely deserve to have a super hot dilf [redacted] u on his spaceship. also both of u are super hot and would literally be the coolest couple in outer space

@pinkoushi; yachi. i think u deserve someone to call a good girl and eat her [redacted] whenever u want. i also think u both would be so cute because ur both really soft and sweet and caring. how does it feel to win?

@ryoskuna; sukuna. i'm giving u the king. his tsundere facade with ur humor and big intelligent brain are a match for the ages. ur hades and persephone incarnate. godspeed and i wish u the best with his two massive [redacted]

– i'm sorry if i missed anyone, my brain short circuited and forgot every person i've ever met; i love all my moots dearly and validate every self-ship in existence <3

[trensu]

you know what this fandom needs? a werewolf au

“oh, but trensu,” you say, “that can’t possibly work because WWX is deathly afraid of dogs!!”

WRONG, MY FRIEND. WWX being deathly afraid of dogs is exactly why it should happen!! Hear me out, hear me out! 

The Lan clan is a werewolf pack. Yes, yes they are. That’s why they have all those rules, see? Self-regulation is key to their survival. It keeps them under the radar from people who hunt werewolves. Out-human the humans and no one will ever suspect you turn into a beast three nights out of the month. The thousands of rules are precisely why the Lan clan is such a long-lived and prosperous pack. (The Nie clan are also werewolves but they take the opposite approach and fully embrace the wolfiness).

Now, being fantastical creatures,the clans are pretty tied to their lands. But in this modern day and age, it’s important for them to learn how to blend in with the humans lest they be hunted to extinction. So the young’uns come down from the mountains and are sent to university to learn the ways of the humans.

University is where LWJ meets his soulmate, the love of his life, the moon in his sky. WWX is by far the most beautiful person he’s ever seen and he smells so good all the time, LWJ just wants to roll around in his scent (but that’s weird, right? humans don’t do that probably). It’s so distracting that LWJ is basically nonverbal around him.

It’s rare that a werewolf’s soulmate turns out to be human but it’s not unprecedented. So after meeting WWX (and seeing him smile, oh moon above, that smile with the cutest little beauty mark tucked just under his lower lip that LWJ wants to bite) LWJ immediately starts petitioning the pack leader to grant him permission to reveal the existence of werewolves to WWX so he can then ask WWX to be his life-mate and hopefully also get turned into a werewolf if WWX is willing.

It takes AGES because Lan Qiren is not an easy man to convince. But that’s okay because it gives LWJ time to get to know WWX. Not that LWJ does much, tbh. WWX is the one who decides he and LWJ need to be friends and latches on to him immediately. (They’re gonna be the best of friends, WWX can tell. LWJ is serious and quiet and so fun to tease!). They study together and go on walks together and go out to eat together. And every time they’re together, LWJ allows WWX easy physical affections because omg, it’s almost like WWX is scent-marking him and LWJ wants to be swimming in WWX’s scent. It also allows him to discreetly scent-mark WWX in return on the off chance that any other werewolf in the vicinity thinks to take an interest in him (he’s already side-eyed NHS who has since found a way to dodge WWX’s affectionate touches because he values his life).

Eventually LQR agrees to let LWJ tell WWX the family secret. LWJ is inwardly ecstatic. He’s all ready to tell WWX this important part of him. He’s planning to tell him during one of their walks in the park because WWX is always so carefree and happy when out in the sun and he loves the way the sun brings out the warm tones in WWX’s beautiful brown eyes (which he has to look up ever so slightly to meet bc WWX is enticingly taller than him by just a bit). They have a favorite spot in the park and LWJ has brought one of WWX’s favorite spicy snacks and a drink. It’s going to be perfect. WWX is so intelligent and creative and kind, LWJ is sure that even if for some horrible awful reason WWX does not return his affections, WWX would never hurt him or his family because of their wolf blood and he’s certain WWX would take their secret to the grave.

But just as they’re about to reach their favorite spot, WWX freezes at his side. LWJ can hear WWX’s heart stutter in his chest before it starts pounding at an alarmingly fast pace. WWX suddenly has an iron grip on him and he gasps.

“D-Dog. DOG! Lan Zhan, help me!!” 

WWX ducks behind him, curls down so he’s fully hidden behind LWJ despite the height difference, and his gripping the back of LWJ’s shirt so tightly, LWJ is surprised it hasn’t torn the fabric. WWX is quaking, breaths coming in short gasps, and LWJ has never in his life seen anyone so afraid. His gaze lands on a friendly medium-sized dog prancing their way as it’s owner tries to grab it to put it back on its leash. With a sinking heart, he flashes his gold wolf eyes at the dog and mutters a solemn “shoo.” The dog whimpers and flees quickly.

“You’re safe, Wei Ying. The dog is gone.”

The grip on his shirt loosens and WWX’s arms wrap around him from behind as WWX looks over his shoulder.

“Lan Zhan, you’re my hero! Dogs are the worst. They’re so scary, with their sharp teeth and terrible barks!” WWX babbles in his ear, arms still clenched tight around him. Nervously, still coming down from the adrenaline rush, he adds. “Thanks for scaring it away. And not making fun of me. I know it’s silly but I can’t help it, sorry!! I’ve tried because Jiang Cheng loves dogs but I can’t seem to--”

“No need,” LWJ mumbles.

“What?”

“No need to apologize,” LWJ says more firmly, even as his heart slowly starts to frost over. “It is fine.”

WWX’s face is so close to his, chin tucked into his shoulder from behind the way it is, that LWJ can feel the beaming smile spread across his face as WWX finally relaxes against him. 

“Thanks Lan Zhan, You’re the greatest!” he gives LWJ a little squeeze and LWJ tries to convince himself that that was why his breath catches in his chest and not because his heart is breaking. “Anyway, what was it you were saying before that hell-creature attacked us?”

LWJ gives a stiff shake of his head, and clenches his hands so he doesn’t pull WWX back as he finally disentangles himself from LWJ.

“Nothing. Nothing important.” LWJ says, voice rough from the sudden emotion lodged in his throat. Everything hurts. WWX gives him an odd look but doesn’t question him. Instead he starts happily rambling in the way that always does.

LWJ listens, greedily takes in the sound of his voice, the scent of his skin, from a distance. Because he can never get any closer. LWJ has given his heart away and he will never get it back because werewolves only give their heart away once.

Wei Ying, the love of his life, the moon in his sky, is deathly afraid of canines. He will never know LWJ and he will never love LWJ.

(Later that night, LXC will go into his bedroom to find a white wolf curled under his bed, whining and whimpering as if fatally wounded. “Oh, Wangji,” he will say with sorrow. The only other time his little brother wore his fur outside of the moon cycle was when their mother died. “Wangji, I am so sorry.” LXC puts on his fur, and gently nudges his snout against his brother’s and hurts with him, because his little brother had finally found his moon and his moon does not want him.)

[freddieslater]

Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Luke Patterson x Willie (Julie and the Phantoms)

Requested by @phoenixfidelity

Luke can't help but be distracted every so often. He can tell that it's starting to get on the rest of the bands nerves every time he misses a chord or he accidentally glances away from the lyrics so he misses a word and then the whole thing is forced to an abrupt halt. He's really trying to stay focused.

Usually it's a piece of cake! He loves the band and he loves playing, because he gets so lost in the music that he forgets the rest of the world exists half the time.

He catches sight of Willie out of the corner of his eye again as they're building up to the chorus of the new song they've been working on. Luke resists the urge to look away from the notebook in front of him.

His fingers keep moving determinedly... while his eyes dart off to the side. It's just a split second, then they're right back on the page, and he hasn't missed anything!

But his mind is quickly taken over by the brief glimpse of Willie that he got. He's just sitting cross-legged on the studio floor, hair tied up in a messy bun, nodding along to their music while he paints. While wearing one of Luke's hoodies. He found it lying on the back of the couch when they came in and he said he was cold, and so he asked if he could borrow it, and Luke wasn't going to say no, was he? That would be rude!

Besides, the orange actually really suits him. It matches the streaks of yellow paint on his cheeks--

Luke quickly glances back over. Sure enough, there is actually paint smeared across Willie's face. And a paintbrush in his mouth while he carefully paints with a different one. He's so focused, his eyebrows scrunched, his foot tapping to the beat on his knee--

Luke catches the mess up in his chords but not before he can stop it. He abruptly stops playing, the rest of the band once again halting along with him.

"Sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to--" He takes a deep breath and looks determinedly down at his guitar. "Let's just go again, yeah? I'll get it this time, I promise."

"Yeah, I don't think you will," Julie says, and Luke's surprised to find her smiling rather than being mad about it. She and the rest of the band share a look.

"Probably better if we take a break for now," Reggie agrees, clearly trying to suppress a smile of his own and failing miserably as he lifts his bass strap over his head.

"I'm... getting kinda hungry anyway," Alex lies, nodding way too eagerly.

Willie looks up for the first time since their last brief pause. "Are you guys done?"

Another look is shared. Luke shakes his head vigorously, staring at them all in disbelief.

"No! No, we're not! Come on, we still have to practice this song or else we're not gonna have it ready for tomorrow!"

"You'll be fine!" Flynn assures him, hooking an arm around Julie's shoulders. "You guys sounded great! Well... most of the time."

"Yeah, you were really good," Willie agrees, beaming at them with such sincerity that Luke's heart melts under the rays of sunshine he radiates when he turns it on him.

He barely notices Reggie muttering, "And that's our cue..." and the four of them scattering around the studio, and practically leaving the two of them alone.

Luke doesn't know why they're acting like this. So, yeah, he keeps getting distracted from the music. But he's trying to stay focused! It's not exactly going to help if the rest of them just decide to give up!

He sighs and decides he may as well put his own guitar aside for the moment.

"You okay?" Willie asks with a slight laugh, but his eyes are concerned when Luke glances up at him.

His stomach flips over like a pancake. It's weird but it's been doing that a lot lately and he can't seem to figure out why. Maybe he's coming down with something? That would be super inconvenient timing considering they have a gig tomorrow!

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Luke says, but even he feels like he's somehow lying even as he tries for a grin.

Willie isn't buying it either. He takes a moment to think, his eyebrows only creasing the tiniest bit this time as his thumb rubs a circle into the crease of his elbow. Luke finds the movement strangely calming to watch.

Then it stops, and Willie lights up. "Well, since you guys are... taking a break for the time being, do you wanna help me with this?"

Luke finally tries to take a proper look at what he has actually been doing this entire time as Willie moves over to sit beside him on the couch.

There's a poster -- multiple, actually, as well as what Luke swears is a pile of what were once his guitar picks. He doesn't really play his acoustic too much anymore because it never sounds right with any of their songs, and his fingers just got used to the feel of the strings on his electric, so there wasn't ever really a use for them anymore.

Willie notices him picking up one of the plectrums and turns sheepish. "I found them lying about in here and thought they could use a little... sprucing up." He shrugs. "I didn't think anyone would really mind."

Luke shakes his head and grins as he picks up another in amazement. Each one is painted, and not just a solid colour, but a whole piece of art is painted onto each one. Scenes of bridges with the sunset behind them, fields full of vibrant plants, a starry night sky, a gh--

Luke raises his eyebrows at him. "Is this meant to be me?"

Willie peers at the one he's holding up which features a ghost silhouette wearing an orange beanie with a guitar strapped around its translucent little body.

"Yep," Willie confirms, then breaks out into another sheepish laugh. "I got a little bored of the fancy designs, and I thought that it would be funny, seeing as how you're, you know, Julie and the Phantoms."

"So," Luke glances at the pile of plectrums, "did you do one for all of us?"

"I haven't gotten around to it yet. I wanted to start with you 'cause I figured you'd make the cutest ghost. With the beanie and all."

Luke's stomach does the thing again. And he swears his face is burning up. He better not be getting a fever, because the thought of getting sick right before a gig is giving him a little too much deja vu.

"Does that mean you don't think I'm a cute ghost when I'm not wearing the beanie?" Luke teases, mock serious.

Willie laughs, caught in surprise by the question. But he shakes his head, gazing at Luke with creases around his eyes and a soft smile.

"No way. It's, like, totally impossible for you to not be cute."

Luke laughs as well now and gives him a gentle push, his hand lingering on Willie's arm. "Shut up."

"I got you smiling, at least," Willie points out.

"Yeah, well." Luke doesn't really have anything else to say because he's right.

He looks at him for a second as Willie shifts his attention back down to the posters and plectrums. Luke doesn't mean to stare, but there's something about watching his fingers move that feels... comforting, even when they're just moving a stray bit of hair behind his ear.

"Have you ever played guitar?" Luke blurts out without thinking.

Willie looks back up in surprise but shakes his head. "No. I like listening to music and sometimes performing with Caleb was fun but that was only ever singing. I've never really gotten the hang of an instrument. Takes too long to figure it all out."

"What if I helped?" Luke asks, not fully sure why he's offering. "I'm not saying perform with us. I'm just saying it could be a fun hobby, if you had someone helping you figure it all out."

Willie considers it then shrugs, beaming at him again. Luke's beginning to think he needs sunglasses just to be around him because he finds himself grinning back before Willie's even answered.

"Yeah, okay. Let's do it! But I will warn you, I'm not the most patient person."

"Good thing I am then," Luke says.

"No he's not!" Reggie shouts over to them from the other couch in the corner.

Luke glares at him but Reggie just raises his hands with a confused expression as if to say, what did I do?!

Rolling his eyes as Willie laughs, Luke says, "Don't listen to him. We can practice later and use my old acoustic, that way it'll be a bit easier and you can use one of your awesome designer picks."

He gestures to the pile and Willie scans over them, looking for one to use. Then he picks up the one with the ghost version of Luke on it.

"A great choice, if I do say so myself," Luke says, grinning. "Now, what are we painting?"

Willie hands him a paintbrush and one of the posters. He explains the design and they both start working on them. At some point in between Luke finishing one and Willie just adding a few last touches to his own, Luke tries experimenting on one of the blank picks himself.

When he shows it to Willie, his eyebrows raise and he almost doesn't seem to know what to say for a second. Then his face splits into a smile of pure joy and Luke doesn't think he's ever felt so pleased with himself as he does watching Willie gush over the little ghost hovering over a skateboard like it's the best thing he's seen.