#the expectation of the mental load as a form of being ''good''

[inkskinned]

it takes a really long time to unlearn but there's no such thing as "cheating" or "half-assing" being a person. if you need to leave the cabinet doors open, leave them open. microwave your tea. sit down in the shower. buy the eggmaker. use your phone to calculate tip.

it's mostly fake posterity rules. who cares if you microwave your dinners. who cares if you use instant coffee. who cares if you stop watching the show that got boring. we all have a different set of skills and a different life and taking care of yourself is fucking hard.

at the end of your life there will be no final scoreboard. nobody is going to judge you because you brushed your teeth in the shower. there will be no final count of the number of times you had the same meal five nights in a row. there will be no fanfare or party because you won at being a person - and no one will be disappointed that you never understood the point of using paper towels to dry your hands off after washing them.

yeah, in this world, people will put up a fuss. i've noticed some of the biggest fusses are over what you'll put in/on your body. the fact that i will regularly eat deli meat straight out of the bag makes a lot of people genuinely concerned for me. but here's the thing: sometimes that's the only way i'm getting any protein. my doctor says i am doing fine. i'm sticking to my weird snacks and calling it deconstructed charcuterie.

they'll say they're horrified because you take a shortcut. that's fine. it's just that it looks like a shortcut to them because they're on a different life path. these kinds of things stand out to them as important. that's fine too. but for you? you've got other things that already make you pretty hard working. and these tiny things - well, they're just clutter on your journey.

[anistarrose]

Imagine, for a moment, that your internet just stopped loading images one day. Your dash might look pretty different (and less usable), but at least you can still make posts — whether about your internet situation, or about completely unrelated topics.

Then, imagine that one or more of your posts blew up, to the tune of hundreds if not thousands of notes. Imagine people started adding images to your posts.

Imagine your post circulating almost entirely in the form with four or five images attached, and with everyone in the notes laughing about those images — except you, who started the post in the first place, who can't even see those images because you're trapped in Tumblr's loading gradient hellscape.

You're excluded from any further conversations on your own post, because someone added a mystery image with the caption "don't leave this in the tags," but you have no idea which set of tags it is, and can't tell if it's one of the good takes from the tags or one of the horrible takes from the tags. You're excluded from the Tumblr users playing with JPEGs like dolls. You can try to guess the contents of the images based on people's reactions, but it's hard. And no one adding images even seems to notice the irony.

This is, of course, a real problem plaguing Tumblr users with regularly slow internet. And it's also a huge, insidious problem plaguing blind and low vision people who rely on either screen readers, or image descriptions in combination with enlarged text on their device.

People with disabilities around comprehending images, people who have images (or gifs) disabled due to photosensitivity, and many others are also affected.

If you add an image to a post without either alt text, an in-post image description, or even both for maximal inclusivity, you don't know if OP — or the person whose tags you're peer reviewing, or whose reply you're screenshotting — will actually be able to see it. From their perspective, you might just be shoving a mystery rectangle in their face, expecting them to be able to guess — or responding to them without them being able to know.

Imagine being on the receiving end of that expectation constantly. Imagine how isolating that must feel.

We need, collectively, to stop making assumptions that everyone we interact with online will be able to access, physically see, and mentally process images. The assumption that disabled people are vanishingly rare and statistically shouldn't really need to be considered is an assumption of structural and/or implicit ableism.

Write image descriptions. Write image descriptions for every image you post, if you're able — but if you have limited energy, or you're still learning, you should at least start trying your absolute best to describe images you add to other people's posts. If you're starting a conversation, even an online conversation, you should make your best effort to be accessible.

So: Write IDs, especially if they're as simple as just text, like screenshotted tags (link to guide). Write IDs even if you think the best ID you can write is too short, or too incomplete (link to post explaining why even "bad" IDs help).

Write IDs in general (link to a huge compilation of guides). Challenge ableist assumptions and inaccessibility.

[racinggirl]

best I've ever been

Lando Norris fic - requested

My inbox for requests

a/n: thank you for this request, anon! I tried to write it the way I see things, and the way I've experienced things. I do want to put A MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING on this story, as it contains loads of things that might trigger anyone that has some sort of eating disorder. I also want to say that if you struggle with any form of eating disorder or any other mental health struggles, please please contact someone. If you're scared to do that, tell someone, even if it is a stranger online, slide in my questions, but look for help. you do not have to do this alone, and there are many people that want to see you smile, even if you might not see it yourself. Enjoy this story, and keep sending in requests 🧡

FEB 28th, 2024

Being a student at university while dating one of the most famous people in the world wasn’t something that was on everybody’s to do list. But it was on yours, and it brought along a lot of hate, high expectations and stress.

You have never been that perfect WAG, you weren’t like Lily, who was a professional golfer. You weren’t like Kelly, who had a beautiful daughter and was an amazing model. You weren’t like Alexandra, who was stunningly beautiful with an amazing career. You were just you, and that’s something Lando loved about you.

‘I don’t want to date a professional model, someone famous or some sort of influencer. I want to date you, because in my eyes you are more beautiful than all the models together. You’re the one that stole my heart and please, never give it back to me.’

He always made sure to reassure you, tell you how beautiful you are, how proud he was of everything you were doing, how grateful he was for calling you his girlfriend. All those things made you love that man even more and more every single day.

‘’You look stunning, baby.’’ His lips pressed a gentle kiss to your temple, his hand intertwined with yours as he pulled your body closer against his own.

‘’You feel cold, my love, are you okay?’’ His hand moved to rest on your forehead, then on both your cheeks as his bright eyes looked at you with worry.

‘’I’m okay, Lando, it’s just a bit chilly in here.’’ You smiled, giving his hand a gentle squeeze before you both walked out of his hotel room, on your way to the parking lot so you could go to the track immediately after.

He never noticed, and you were somewhat happy, but somewhat sad as well. You see, you weren’t like all the other WAGs, instead of wearing a size XS or S, you’d squeeze yourself into a medium or large at some times. Those cute outfits the other girlfriends would wear wasn’t something you’d find in your own wardrobe, simply because you did not feel comfortable wearing something that showed skin.

Lando didn’t mind, though. He never did. He knew you were absolutely gorgeous, and he worshipped you every time he saw you because he was aware of your insecurities. He tried his best to make you feel better about yourself, but you always had this mental note that you wouldn’t be good enough for him, let alone be good enough to be his girlfriend.

‘’No, thanks.’’ You politely rejected the small snack you’d find at the McLaren hospitality, something you used to say yes to because let’s be honest, they were extremely tasty. Lando smiled at you, squeezing your hand gently before whispering something in your ear. You smiled at his words, feeling extremely grateful for having such an amazing boyfriend.

DEC 2nd, 2023

‘’Sooo, how are you and Lando doing?’’  Your best friend had a smirk plastered on her face as the two of you got into the building on campus.

‘’I heard he’s going to Finland to ski with Martin Garrix, will you go along, too?’’

‘’We’re good, but no, I’m not going.’’ You told her while the two of you made your way to the elevator.

‘’Actually, I’m taking the stairs, will you come with me?’’ You asked, watching how your friend nodded and followed you to the staircase.

‘’I’m not good at skiing.’’ You explained, counting every step in your head. ‘’And we have exams in the second week of January, I want to pass those.’’

You weren’t lying, completely. You did have exams that you wanted to pass, and you weren’t the best skier out there, but there was another reason.

FLASHBACK

NOV 4th, 2023

‘’Baby,’’ Lando was in the kitchen preparing dinner as you sat on the couch, working on your laptop for those damn deadlines.

‘’Hmm?’’ You hummed, typing away a few words for your thesis as you glanced up at your boyfriend.

‘’Will you come along on the ski trip? It’s in your holiday period, isn’t it?’’ He asked, sitting on the edge of the couch as he read through a few paragraphs of your thesis.

‘’I’m sorry, babe, but I can’t.’’ You started. ‘’Things will be busy, and I really want to finish my final exams and get this thesis done with.’’ You explained, feeling his hand on your cheek to make you look at him.

‘’Okay, I understand.’’ He whispered and kissed your forehead gently, like he always did.

The moment he walked to the kitchen to finish dinner, you looked at your schedule. Just a few more months till the season started, a few more months till he would have to show up at the paddock with you on his side, because you knew he loved having you on his side, and you loved supporting him.

However, it also meant you had just a few more months to lose as much weight as possible.

END OF FLASHBACK

DEC 2nd, 2023

Never did you think you’d end up in a situation like you were now. Never did you think you’d end up on the ground, your best friend next to you as a random girl brought you some water.

‘’Are you okay? You scared the living shit out of me.’’ Your best friend had her hand on your back as she thanked the girl that gave you the water. You took a sip, carefully, and you sighed.

‘’I’m okay, I just… I didn’t sleep too good last night, maybe I should have gone to sleep earlier.’’ You lied, again. It was something that had become a part of your routine lately.

‘’Okay, well, stop doing that then because you scared me.’’

You had passed out once you had reached the top of the stairs. Not eating properly for a few weeks in a row had probably been the reason for that, but you did not want to worry them. You knew for sure that if you would have been skinny, it was the first thing people would say, and you somehow put that as your goal. You knew it was bad, you knew relying on other peoples’ reactions for your goal to be reached wasn’t something that was a good indicator, but it was what you did.

AUG 7th, 2023

Hate, it’s something every celebrity and WAG has to deal with, but somehow you were shocked when it actually happened to you. Lando had warned you about it, and he had also tried his best to reassure you. Somewhere you knew the things those people said was fake, and only came from an act of jealousy, but that didn’t mean it hurt less.

You were scared to mention it to Lando, because you knew he loved his fans, and the fact those fans sent hate to you, would absolutely break him. That’s why you never mentioned it to him. Until you had to…

You and Lando had been dating for almost 6 months now, and the world found out about a month ago. You wanted to keep it quiet for longer, but after fans spotted you together more than once, there was no more denying of the fact you two were dating.

At first you were excited, because Lando always made you feel so good and so comfortable, you thought you could take on the world with him on your side. You weren’t scared of anything when it came to the adventures you’d go on with him, but those things quickly changed the moment you opened your phone to go to Instagram.

 The hate seemed like it was never ending. You had never posted a picture with Lando because you feared the reactions. You never even posted selfies anymore due to the fear of judgement from others, from fans. It wasn’t all hate, and people were extremely kind as well, but whenever you start to receive hate, those things don’t matter anymore.

FEB 5th, 2024

15 kilos down, you had lost 15 kilos since you started losing weight, and today was the day you saw the number go down again. You had been stuck on a plateau for almost a week, and you started to panic when the number wouldn’t go down. You started to restrict yourself more, and more, and eventually the number went down.

Surviving on two crackers and a bit of dinner wasn’t good, but it worked, and you were determined to keep it going.

Lando was away quite a bit for work. He had complimented you a few times already, because of course he saw that you had lost weight. 15 kilos weren’t a little bit.

‘’You lost weight.’’ He smiled, his lips on that same place on your temple again as you closed your eyes. ‘’Mhm, I did.’’ You whispered proudly; your arms wrapped around his torso.

‘’You look beautiful, darling. I just, you know you didn’t have to, right? I mean, I’m glad you’re feeling better, but you know that you didn’t have to do it, at least not for me. I’ll love you no matter what size, shape, or weight you are.’’ His hands moved to cup your cheeks, causing you to look directly into his eyes.

‘’I know.’’ You whispered, leaning up to press your lips to his. That kiss turned into something more, because now you were comfortable enough to take the first step.

FEB 28th, 2024

‘’You look amazing, Y/N.’’ Lily, Oscar’s girlfriend, wrapped her arms around you, hugging you before pulling away to take a look at you. ‘’How much did you lose?’’

‘’Ehm, around 20 kilos.’’ You smiled at her, hearing her gasp. ‘’Oh, wow, that’s a lot!’’ She smiles, but you could hear the worry in her voice as well.

‘’Yeah, I mean, it’s alright, I feel a lot better now.’’

You groaned, put your phone away and took a deep breath. You were annoyed, both with yourself and with others. You knew you promised yourself you’d stop the moment others commented about your weight loss, the moment others would get worried, because that’s when you would have reached your goal. But you couldn’t stop, and that’s what worried you.

‘’Hey, let’s get lunch.’’ Lily smiled at you, and the panic immediately started in your head. How could you get out of it, how could you not eat anything, how how how…

‘’Sure.’’ You smiled back, because others couldn’t suspect anything, they’d stop you, and that’s what you feared because you did not want to go back to that summer of last year.

As you sat down next to Lily, you had ordered a salad because that was the meal with the least number of calories on the menu. It had become a habit, searching for the lightest, most healthy, and smallest portions and meals.

You had barely eaten anything, though, and Lily noticed, too. ‘’You barely touched your food, are you okay?’’ She asked softly. After reassuring her everything was fine, the waiter came to take the food away.

‘’Are you sure you’re done?’’

Lando and Oscar came to join you not long after, both boys taking a seat next to their girlfriends.

‘’Hey, did you have lunch already?’’ Oscar asked Lily, causing Lily to nod. ‘’Eh, yeah, we did.’’ She says, hesitantly though. She glanced over at you, and then at Lando. He knew enough by just that look.

He was aware of the fact you were losing weight. At first, he was proud, and he tried to help you with choosing the right foods, the right supplements for extra vitamins and even did his workouts with you. However, when you started to lose more, and faster, he got worried. He talked to you about a healthy weight loss multiple times. He even talked to Jon about a diet that would help you slowly go back to maintaining weight, because you had lost a lot.

Lando tried to have that conversation with you a few times, but you always brushed it off. He was barely ever with you because of the preparations for the start of the season, which he absolutely hated. He contacted your best friend, asking her to keep an eye on you as well.

‘’Babe.’’ He said, this time very seriously. ‘’Can we talk?’’ He asked. ‘’Alone.’’

‘’Ehm, maybe later, okay? I must do something first.’’ You always came up with an excuse because you had a feeling Lando was going to talk to you about your weight loss. You had a feeling he was going to tell you to stop losing weight, because that’s what was going through your own mind as well. You knew you had to stop, you just couldn’t.

‘’Did you eat lunch?’’ He then asked, causing Oscar to look at you as well as Lily. ‘’Yeah, I did.’’ You said, or actually, you lied. ‘’Okay, fine, then you won’t mind me asking Lily.’’ He continued and glanced over at his teammate’s girlfriend.

You looked at Lily, nervously. You couldn’t ask her to lie for you, but you also didn’t want her to tell him the truth. ‘’We had lunch, Lando.’’ You quickly said.

‘’I’m asking Lily.’’ He said, a little more dominant this time.

‘’Lando…’’ You sighed, but he had enough.

‘’I think I already know the answer.’’ He started. ‘’Come with me. Now.’’ He grabbed your hand and pulled you up, walking with you to his driver’s room. He had to talk to you, and even though he hoped it would never come to this point, there was something that had to happen, and you knew it as well.

‘’Lando, what are you… Hey!’’ You frowned, watching how he put you in the chair and how he stood in front of you. He was mad, but mostly hurt, it was written all over his face.

‘’You’re gorgeous, Y/N, you’re absolutely beautiful and it hurts me so much that you’re not seeing it. I wish, I honestly wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because then you’d see the most beautiful, gorgeous, perfect girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.’’

You stayed silent, but immediately felt a tear rolling down the right side of your face.

‘’You lost weight, and I’m so proud of you for doing so. I always told you you didn’t have to lose weight, that you’re perfect the way you are, but I knew you wanted it. I knew you didn’t feel comfortable the moment you showed me those DM’s, the hate you received. I was supporting you, I wanted to help you because I knew it would make you feel better once you’d lose a few kilograms. Damnit Y/N, I was so proud of you for losing the weight with the right food, the right workouts and at the right pace. But ever since you started restricting at the beginning of this year, I should have stopped you. I wanted to let you figure it out yourself, because I know you’re strong, and I know you could do that. I hate myself for not being with you more, for not looking out for you, for being the worst boyfriend ever because I didn’t give you enough love-…’’

‘’You do…’’ You whispered; your voice soft as you wiped the tears that were falling from your face. ‘’You give me so much love, Lando.’’

‘’Then why.’’ He asked, his voice breaking in the middle of the next sentence. ‘’Then why are you doing this to yourself.’’

You looked down at your lap, then at your fingers, and then at his hands that took your hands in his own. You watched how he kneeled in front of you, wiped your tears with his thumbs and forced you to look into his eyes which had tears in them as well.

‘’I love you, so much you have no idea, please… please let me help you. I will not force you to gain weight but let me help you get back to a healthy lifestyle. Let me ask Jon to put together a plan for you so you will maintain a healthy weight. We can do workouts together. I promise I’ll be there more often, in between races, for your graduation. I see a future with you, Y/N, and I want you to accept my help… No. I need you to accept my help, because it hurts me so much seeing how you treat yourself, my love. You deserve so much better than how you’re treating yourself. I’ll go to therapy with you if you need me to, okay? I promise you I’ll make it my own personal goal to see you have a healthy relationship with food again.’’

You never expected the words of the love of your life would turn everything around. You never expected Lando to have such a big effect on your thoughts, on your view on weight loss.

‘’Please help me…’’ You whispered before breaking down in his arms. Every word he spoke hit you right in the heart. Seeing the tears in his eyes and hearing his voice breaking were the things that made you realise you weren’t only punishing yourself, but also the love of your life. And it wasn’t just him that you were hurting.

Your best friend.

Lily.

Oscar.

Your parents.

That random girl in the hallway that gave you the glass of water after watching you pass out.

That one fan that told you you were gorgeous, that told you to not believe the haters.

The waiter that took away the almost untouched salad, asking if you were sure you’d had enough.

You were hurting more people than just yourself, and right now it was the time to give back to those people by working on yourself, by taking care of your own health so Lily wouldn’t have to lie for you anymore. So your best friend could stop worrying about her best friend. So Oscar wouldn’t have to feel sorry for not noticing. So that fan can continue sending positive messages and not feel like what they say doesn’t matter. So that waiter can take back an empty plate knowing that the food they served was tasty. So that random girl doesn’t have to look at you and worry every time you walk up the stairs.

So you would be happy.

AUG 12th, 2024

if you struggle with mental health in any way shape or form, please call 988. A life line for anyone that needs support. You are beautiful, you are worth it, you are amazing <3

[akiranzee]

💐🥺 some flowers for ya! Akaza who is kinda jelly of Reader, who is Muzan's fave bc they've always completed the tasks they were given. But here's the thing; Reader is crushing on Akaza. HARD. what to do? was thinkin fluff but you can add more to it, ehe. (no degredation pls)

🪻 • ° ` — “CHANGE OF FEELINGS”

-> PAIRINGS: Akaza x f!Uppermoon 4!Y/n -> SUMMARY: Eyes that have seen the meaning, hearts that have learned to love, and demons that have experienced the good. -> WORD COUNT: 1.3k+ -> CONTAINS: fluff, mention of blood, & akaza is 200 while reader is 180. -> A/N: FLOWERS FOR U TOO‼️‼️💐🌷🌹🌹🌺. there is no koyuki in this unfortunately☹️☹️. blue spider lillies here appear at night, but still twice or thrice a year, sry this also took long, this was kind of hard to write😭😭. AND i ran into some problems on tumblr,, still hope u like it tho!

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A deep chuckle could be heard erupting from the depths of the Demon King’s throat, “as expected from you. Very well then, you have earned yourself a week of rest.” He says, as you softly smiled to have pleased your king.

But again and again, one is not pleased by this. Akaza’s fists were brutally clenched as he hears this for thousands of times already. No, that shouldn’t be you. That should be him. He’s supposed to be Muzan’s favorite, not you. How dare you try to steal his spot when you’ve only become an uppermoon for just half a year? No. He won’t allow this. You? An uppermoon 4? Beat him? An uppermoon 3? No no, he won’t allow this. He will never allow this.

“Akaza, I assume you have something good to report to me?” Muzan looked at a wall, knowing Akaza was behind it. Muzan’s deep, demonic voice sent shivers down Akaza’s spine, and yours too.

“Y/n, you’re dismissed.” A part of you wanted to stay and say something, but your entirety would end if you do so.

“Hm? Anything else?” Muzan asked, no — demanded you to tell him why you’re so hesitant. After all, he knows everything about his creations. From the physicality, to the mentality.

“Um... If I may be so bold to ask, master.. May I request a favor?” As Muzan’s gaze transferred down towards you, shivers crawled up to your spine, as you gulped down the lump forming in your throat.

~~~~~

You sat on top of a tree, in the middle of the night. You were quite happy and relieved that Muzan had accepted your favor, but didn’t know if he had obliged it.

As the wind softly hit your face, you spotted a certain someone below. It was none other than Akaza, looking as happy as ever.

Akaza started to take his top off, revealing all the muscle and the chiseled body he was hiding behind that cropped sleeveless haori.

It seemed like Akaza was happy, and that Muzan didn’t hurt him at all. You were glad when Muzan really obliged your request. Huh. The perks of being the favorite.

You watched Akaza as he trained, his muscles flexing at any given angle. And you sure were enjoying the show.

“Gonna keep watching?” Akaza suddenly asked, causing you to blush profusely as you were caught to have been enjoying his training session quite a bit too much.

“Just so you know, I’m not dumb enough to not see you from up there.” Akaza’s tone quickly changed to one that’s too hostile, one that immediately made you lose all the red in your face.

“N-No, Akaza-san, I-I’m only just-” A stuttering mess you are, but Akaza paid no mind to it and cut you off.

“Just because you’re Muzan-sama’s favorite, doesn’t mean that you’re any better than me. Remember this; I am uppermoon 3, and you’re only uppermoon 4.” And with that, Akaza left. God, he was so fucking hot when angry. That’s how down bad you are for him. You didn’t even pay mind with how he indirectly insulted you, only thinking of ways to get him to atleast see you as a comrade, not a foe.

And you just so happened to know the best way to do that.

Unknowingly to Akaza, you purposely made yourself suspicious for the past few days just for him to keep an eye and follow you around.

And, when the day comes, Akaza, after losing you from his sight, stumbled upon an open field. Not just any open field, but an open field full of blue spider lillies.

You knew how much this means to Akaza, especially when he has tried his very best to look for these. You sat down in the middle of the bloomed blue spider lillies, one that looked like a goddess, more like a human than a demon. You were just too beautiful to be a demon.

You felt Akaza’s eyes lay on you. He had never once, in fact, see a woman this beautiful up until this day.

But no, he sees you as a foe — he must see you as a foe. Even if you wanted to be comrades, friends, or even more than that, he must not allow it. No, it’d be ironic anyway for a demon as evil as him to learn how to love.

Perhaps his hatred toward you was just only for the reason that you were Muzan’s favorite. Yet he only looked at you that way, believing you were as evil as the others to even dare take his spot when you know being Muzan’s favorite was the goal he always wanted, yet failed to reach.

But no, you were not like the others — in fact, you were far more different than them. So different that he has started to see you in a new light.

“Akaza-san, what are you doing here?” You asked and tried to act clueless, looking up at him with eyes that were a thousand more beautiful than hundreds of stars combined, as the galaxy reflected on your sweet, sweet eyes.

Akaza walked closer to you, and silently asked, “How did you find these?”

“Well, I frequent here.” You lied. You know yourself you literally took days, weeks, or months, even going as far as to neglect Muzan’s assigned missions to you.

Then, the silence longers. You only stared at each other’s eyes, whilst admiring how the fresh wind hits the both of you gently.

“The moon has set.” You suddenly said, looking up behind Akaza to look at the moon more clearly, the moonlight shone and sparkled before you, serving as spotlights for the both of you as if you’re the only ones that exist.

Silence lingers once again, the tension has become quite too awkward for the both of you. Your relationship has always been like this. But, there was a change. Right now, Akaza’s once hatred-filled eyes turned to one of admiration.

One that finally admired you in a way of finally seeing the real you, not the you he expected you to be. It seems, that Muzan has changed his perspective of you, his thoughts of you, and even the way he feels about you.

There’s just something about you that he can’t get over with.

Maybe it’s because of the fact that you still help him despite his growing and obvious hatred for you, or maybe because your smile tells him there’s more to it than what he thinks...?

Either way, you smile widely and shiny as the moon when you could see the change within him. Maybe, just maybe, will your feelings get reciprocated?

~~~~~

“I apologize, I have failed to find the blue spider lilies, Lord Muzan.” Akaza hung his head down low in shame, prepared for his usual punishment.

You winced and closed your eyes as you looked at the bloody scene from afar. Confusion was still within you, though. Why would he not even take those blue spider lillies?

You gasped as you saw Muzan dissapear in thin air as Akaza slowly stood up whilst trying to regenerate half of his face.

Akaza sauntered weakly towards you, “Why are you up here?” he asked, as blood spilled out of his mouth.

You wiped the blood off of his face, “well... why did you not even take the blue spider lillies?”

“Because you found it. Not me.”

“Well, I led you to it.”

“You still found it.” Akaza, as stubborn as ever, doesn’t want to take credit for something great you achieved. If ever, it should be you who must give it to Muzan, and yet you decline, wanting Akaza to instead do it.

“I think Muzan-sama doesn’t hate you.” You say, sitting down beside Akaza.

Akaza only scoffed, knowing it is a mere lie only to make him feel better.

“Otherwise, if he did, he wouldn’t let you handle such a task that would change the demons’ lineage forever. That, is especially a good change.” You caressed his right cheek as you smiled, his other cheek slowly healing.

“...I don’t think so.” He tried to deny, but the smile on his face says otherwise. The fact can’t be changed that he was indeed comforted by what you said.

The both of you chuckled in unison as you laid on your backs, looking up at the bright roof on top of you.

It was cold, yet the feeling of being close with each other was warm enough to know that everything’s fine and comforting.

From that then on, the both of you felt as close as ever. Both your minds and hearts wished that this moment would go on for as long as life continues.

★ • ° ` — BONUS:

“Akazaaa, aren’t you getting hungry? C’mon, let’s eaaaaatt!!” You whined as you tried to pull your beloved inside a restaurant of the red light district, after having a tiring battle with the demon slayers.

Yet, he was being stubborn, not wanting to spend the precious money his dear lord had lent him for this disguised-undercover mission.

“No, the money is not enough.” A lie. When he literally had a bag of coins swinging by his waist. But that simple excuse doesn’t work on you, as you continued to pull Akaza with you towards the restaurant.

Then finally, Akaza gave in, as you almost stumbled on your own, Akaza grinning the shit-eating wide grin he had ever done.

You huffed in annoyance, but that didn’t stop you from finally getting in the restaurant, mouth gaped open at how fancy it looked on the inside, rather than outside. Then, a much more eye-catchy thing caught your attention.

“Look, ‘kaza! Don’t these foods make you hungry at all?” You exclaimed as you had finally entered the restaurant along with Akaza, looking at the menu.

“You’re a demon... how come human food makes your mouth water?” Akaza looked at you with disbelief, as you wrapped your arm around his arm, whilst you looked up and smiled at him, “well, any food is delicious!”

“Whatever. Muzan-sama only gave me ¥300.” He said, jingling the bag of coins he had, “well, that’s more than enough! See! This one only costs ¥100!” You pointed at the food displayed on the menu as your eyes sparkled in delight.

“Pleasee, ‘kaza?” He swears, that he’s only paying the precious money for you to stop begging like a child, not because you looked so fucking cute looking up at him with those sparkling eyes of yours.

He glanced at the coins one last time, before handing it to the chef. As you squealed silently in joy, you pulled him on a seat near the window, admiring the beauty the city lights held at night from the 2nd floor. It were like huge stars in front of you, sparkling against your eyes.

Being a demon was, well, hard. Everyone loathes you, those demon slayers are after your head, and no one will ever be by your side. But luckily, you have Akaza. And admiring a peaceful scenery such as this one makes you forget even for a moment that you were hated by the whole world.

“Akaza-san... what if we were humans instead of demons?” You suddenly asked, as Akaza’s attention was now on you.

“Why ask?” He too, looked at the lights shining below. And then, he had finally realized the answer.

“Light may be beautiful. But darkness has its own beauty too. We are immortals, stronger than these humans.” Akaza answered nonchalantly, but he too, wondered. If he never became demon, would he even ever get to meet you?

“...Right. Aren’t we also like humans now? I think this is what humans call a ‘date’.” You softly said, as you looked around you, everyone was being lovey-dovey.

Akaza turned his head away, trying to hide the forming pink in his face. You only giggled, as the food has been served.

~~~~~

A stroll in a peaceful, starry night on a windy open field hand in hand with someone. More so, this someone who you had always long loved.

“The stars are so bright, aren’t they, ‘kaza?” Akaza only hummed in response, looking up too at the stars that formed hundreds of constellations.

“Say, why did you suddenly like me, ‘kaza?” You asked, as you sat down on an open field, where the blue spider lillies last bloomed.

“Just... fate I guess.” He sat along with you, your fingers still intertwined together.

“Hmm... fate you say... then does that mean we are fated to be together?” You asked and looked up at him hopefully, but Akaza didn’t answer. He was left silent, nor did he even bat you an eyesight. He couldn’t answer, or perhaps he didn’t know the answer.

A soft sigh left your lips. He was still the little tsundere you have always loved, and still love. So, you took the first move.

You cupped his cheeks on your hands, and leaned in. Akaza was taken aback, but he too, returned the affection you had given him.

Being breathless was an understatement. You feel like you could die. The feeling was way too good to even think of anything else. You couldn’t even have the chance to think that Muzan could have witnessed this public display of affection.

“...Why did I make these demons again?” Muzan asked himself, as he could feel himself combusting at the ghastly scene in his mind, lovey feelings flowing through his veins. He couldn’t continue on what he was doing now.

a/n: haha poor muzan

[glorified-red]

How would you characterize Tim Drake, quirks and all?

I’ve been having an IDENTITY CRISIS trying to figure this boy out because I think I kin him but then I’m like “but do I really know him though? Is my knowledge on him REALLY enough to Kin him?

I don’t want to bother you or anything! Im just curious to see if maybe from your response it can validate me LMAO.

Oh my dear lovely anon, you came to the right place. Tim Drake breathes and I kin it with all of my being.

Either way, I've been analyzing his character for the past two years through fanon and what comics I can get my hands on and this is kinda what I know so far.

Hope you enjoy.

To really understand Tim's character you have to look at his childhood. Now, in canon, his parents are neglectful at times but they aren't as bad as fanon likes to portray them. In both, Tim is usually left on his own in either a mental/emotional or physical state. He learned very early on that his parents are role models and authority figures, not caregivers or emotional support. So he grew up to value independence to an extreme extent.

Relying on people is a gamble but relying on himself is always secure. He's the kind of kid who will ask the teacher if he can do a group project alone because he knows he'll get an A that way and will avoid the drama of teammates. Tim flies solo extremely often half because its easier and half because the boy has trust issues.

One thing unpredictable parents gives you is paranoia, and this boy has it in loads. He's slow to trust because again, people are a gamble. He has a million backup plans but people are unpredictable and still stump him sometimes. Even within his own family, Tim feels out of place. He's caught in a constant state of "waiting for the second shoe to drop". It's a nasty habit but every time people make plans with him he'll never expect them to follow through.

Tim is incredibly secretive, enough that he has and will lie to his teammates and even Batman himself. He is often seen as the smart "perfect Robin" (think Ravenclaw) when really, Tim is the most cunning and tactical of any of them. Tim will do whatever is necessary for the sake of the mission and for the sake of lives. He will play dirty. Think Chaotic Neutral: he has a set of moral rules but no one can figure them out. He's a Slytherin through and through, he's resourceful and incredibly conniving.

That being said, the poor kid is traumatized, depressed, and starved for affection. It may take years to gain his trust but once that trust is given, Tim is the most loyal person on the planet. He will fight for the people he loves and will destroy the world making sure they stay safe. He never gives up when there's still a chance, even if its infinitesimal, Tim will fight like it's a certainty.

It may seem like Tim sucks at partnerships but his loyalty and cunningness makes him one of the best partners to have on a team. The Core Four is a true testament to how much Tim's habits change when it comes to the people he loves. He is adaptable and will be whatever you need him to be. Yet, that comes with a price as well.

See, Tim only ever receives love after being useful. His parents gave him praise after achieving something or being a good Drake model---something that was useful to them and not an actual Tim trait. Tim finds a loving home only after becoming a stand-in Robin. This typically manifests in Tim constantly needing to feel needed or useful in some way, shape, or form.

He's a team leader not only because he finds it hard to delegate tasks to people (trust issues) but because he finds security in people relying on him. Tim will stress himself out to the brink just so he can continue to be useful to the people around him. If you asked him to list his favorite traits about himself that didn't have to do with pleasing others, you'll stump him. The second he isn't useful all his insecurities and paranoia will fester until he pushes people who love him away.

With all these mental blocks, it comes as no surprise that Tim has terrible self-esteem. The Red Robin series makes it painfully obvious how little Tim cares for his life, he'll pawn it off if it'll advance a case. He's cautious and strategic about his attacks, yet reckless and self-sacrificing at the same time. He has little regard for himself because no ones ever proven otherwise.

At the end of the day he's prized for his intellect the most and that's what he's notorious for. He's the "smart" Robin. And while that is true, with earning Ra's respect and managing to pull off the entire Red Robin run, that does dismantle a lot of the other Robin's intelligence. Tim is smart, but so is literally every other Robin. Tim however, is calculating. Tim's intellect is precise and strategic. He is the dumbest idiot alive but he has a plan for everything, he can predict the smallest things and read people through and through. He's great at chess and monopoly because he can predict his opponents and plan far in advance, but the second you make him play something on the Wii like bowling or the airplane game, he's terribly stupid. Considering his lack of interest in school, he relies more heavily on street smarts and his heightened common sense.

Tim tries to know a little about everything but accidentally hyper fixates on one thing, so if you happen to bring it up, he'll talk your ear off. It makes him seem super smart but he's really just a bored nerd with too much unmonitored access to the internet.

He can be serious at times without meaning too because he doesn't like to waste too much of his time. He thinks time is precious and every second matters, that's why he spends so much time working rather than doing anything else. Robin gave him something to work towards, made him useful and his life worth living, he needs it. When it was taken from him it was crushing so he'll do anything to make sure he can stay in this line of work. Once again, feeling the need to prove himself to those around him instead of trusting that he is loved unconditionally.

But he really is a goofball. He's a nerd at the end of the day, a very tired, busy nerd, but a nerd nonetheless. He has passions and hobbies and will geek out over anything that's related to those things. He's funny and charming, incredibly witty, and knows how to be charismatic for show.

Tim was raised in the public eye so he has a lot of proper habits that will never get beaten out of him. His posture tends to be stiff and perfect until he's comfortable enough to change it or too out of it to care. He has impeccable manners and will be a proper gentlemen out of habit. He knows the differences between all the cutlery at expensive restaurants and knows when to use them without looking like an idiot.

Time passes by him easily so he will lose track of dates and the time of day. He stays busy a lot because he won't have to feel any other emotion other than stress and he's used to stress, stress is comfortable for him. He often forgets that too much stress isn't healthy.

Death is also a morbid comfortability for him. He witnessed each of his parents die in some way or the other, continuously watched his siblings perish (whether fake or not), and his high school best friend Darla, not to mention the countless lives he's failed to save. This gives him a pretty interesting take on life. Like I said, he thinks time is precious so he doesn't like to waste it. But at the same time, he has terrible time blindness. It's an paradoxical quirk of his.

Tim's entire personality is being a contradictory genius. Try to pin point a quirk of his and you'll end up spirally because it shouldn't make sense, yet it does. Tim is confusing because he's such a paradox of a person. His personality doesn't align with what his trauma tells, or what his thoughts project, or how he was raised, or even his morals, and yet, here he is. And it makes perfect sense all at the same time.

He's a puzzle, but man is he interesting to figure out.

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

Prior to Usagi's backstory where he mentioned his father's death and his mother and him living on the life insurance payout, I had a different headcanon for his backstory that explained why Meryl Mei insists he's a good kid despite constantly buying drugs from the gang and being an oddball.

Usagi is the oldest of many siblings ranging from those just a few years younger than him to toddlers. The Alohaoes have lived below the poverty line for generations and the family were no strangers to losing their members to gang life, drug addiction, crippling debt, or a combination of the three. Some of those members, like Usagi's parents, try to make an honest living as working class folks, but both end up working long hours to barely get by and government assistance can only go so far.

As the oldest sibling, Usagi ended up being de-facto man of the house, making sure his siblings get to school on time, attend their games and doctor's appointments, tucking them in at the end of the day, staying up when one or five get sick. Usagi's parents do love him, but there's that underlying obligation and guilt Usagi feels if he doesn't step up to help the family in any way, and his parents can only do so much after being out of the house for so long and splitting time between their kids for quality time.

Usagi knows his parents are working multiple dead-end jobs, unable to be promoted or change to better careers due to lack of education and opportunities, and they end up coming home late at night to be taken care of by him before doing it all over again the next day. While balancing his own studies and trying to go through the day of caring for his family and house, Usagi ends up being addicted to hard drugs out of necessity rather than pleasure. Coffee and nicotine patches can only keep you up and alert for so long, and sometimes there are days where sleep is not an option; the longest he's stayed up is 31.5 hours straight followed by crashing for 5 hours and waking up to resume his schedule as if nothing happened. Sometimes, the drugs suppress his appetite, which allows him to go long without eating in case he doesn't get a chance to sit down.

The worst part and another reason for him being addicted to drugs is the fact that he's a natural genius.

Upon realizing how intelligent and inquisitive their son is, his parents are also banking on him to be the first of the Alohaoes to graduate high school and go to college without a criminal record or other issues. If Usagi gets a well-paying degree and job, the Alohaoes can breathe easier in terms of finance and Usagi can become an example for future generations to eventually get the Alohaoes out of the poverty cycle. So, not only is Usagi taking care of his siblings but he ends up overseeing the household such as taxes and bills, talking to authorities to prevent them from escalating situations near his home, filling out forms for welfare and arguing with health insurance companies at a very young age. His family unconciously expect him to be able to do anything because of his intelligence and they're hoping his grades would allow him to receive free scholarships among other things.

Like many who experienced living below the poverty line, the idea of mental health and attempts to ease this load while the system is intentionally working against you is met with "just deal with it" instead. Finding someone to vent to or provide help is difficult and could cause more harm than good if someome takes things out of context. Someone called CPS on them once because Usagi made an offhand remark on how tired he was; Usagi had to stop the case from escalating in fear that his siblings would be separated "because he made a stupid mistake" and feels guilty for what he did despite being honest at the time.

The drugs Usagi takes doesn't only keep him up but also hide who he really is. While he appears jovial, irresponsible, and amicable on drugs, he's the complete opposite when sober. I imagine him to be like Fugo: cynical, bitter, easy to anger but unable to express it. The bodysuit he wears is intentionally fitted not only to minimize issues caused by skin irritation and bug bites (seeing how he has that in his backpack) but it also doubles as a calming compression suit to ease his bottled emotions. It could be hiding other things but who knows. He's good at hiding things... too good.

Usagi doesn't want to lash out on his loved ones nor show what he's going through. He keeps himself high to maintain his fake persona and remain likeable, but it would only be so long before he breaks and shows who he really is.

Anyways, what do y'all think?

[nowdoyoungknows]

Pairing/s: bff!doyoung x fem!reader

Genre/warning/s: senior year au, best friend!doyoung, kinda boyish y/n, suggestive,minor swearing, mentions of porn, cock blocking (sorry mama kim)

Summary: When you are too comfortable with your boy best friend, Doyoung, it made him feel uncomfortable or... something else.

The hell week aka final exam has finally been done. After the sleepless nights, overloading your brains with loads of information or just brain rotting in general, high school students finally can relax and do whatever they please, at least for now because results are still underway. Would you all graduate smoothly or not?

That matter didn't bother you and your best friend since diaper, Kim Doyoung, at all. The two of you are confident with the results that you are expecting to get. Not to toot your own horn but your dynamic duo is academically gifted.

"Final exam is easier than I thought it would be." As Doyoung said which made the whole class gasp. He made it sound like exam is comparable to breathing when in reality the rest of the class, excluding you of course, are having mental gymnastics.

The school dismissed you way earlier than usual since the students and teachers almost did nothing today, no lectures, no classes at all maybe clean and chat with your classmates. You and Doyoung are currently at Doyoung's room watching movie as his mom told you to while she prepares the afternoon snacks.

It's nothing new to her as she treats you like her own daughter. Your mother and her are best friends since high school, the reason why you and Doyoung are the same, also the reason why both your parents trust you both enough to leave the two of you alone in a room.

Doyoung who was too focused and invested in the movie diverted his attention to you as you complain how hot the weather today is. Regardless of the fan on its max speed, you are sweating a bucket not to mention your uniform being uncomfortable. "You should have brought an extra shirt. You know that according to the weather forecast, we would experience a scorching weather today." He commented while looking at you fanning yourself miserably. "Stop fanning your armpits, it stinks." He gave you a disgusted loom.

"I didn't bring one because we're only spending half day in school today." You replied. "And fuck you my armpits smell good and fresh even drenched in sweat. Maybe it's your breathe since mouth is just under your nose." He showed him the finger which he responded in a same manner.

You stood up and rummaged at his closet to get some comfortable t-shirt. This isn't something new to him. It is normal for him that you casually touch his belongings, wear his clothes. But something that is NOT NORMAL is you comfortably unbuttoning your uniform and taking off your blouse, not giving a fuck if Doyoung sees you only wearing your bra.

It is too late for Doyoung to look way because of how fast and unexpected your move. He is frozen, the movie left running but abandoned. His ears are all red, his face are burning and his pants tightening. Embarrassment rises as you looked at him after you successfully changed into his t-shirt. Doyoung looked away abruptly and hid the tent forming at his pants.

"Why?" You asked innocently as you sat beside your best friend.

"Y/n... why did you do that?" He asked nervously.

"What?" You gave him a confused look before getting what he meant. "You mean me changing clothes?" You chuckled as you spotted him looking embarrassed. "C'mon Doyoung, we're bestfriends." You started confidently. "We even used to take a shower together when we were kids. That's completely naked." You added.

"But we were kids that time. We're grown-ups now, it's different from before..." He reasoned out shyly. "Even if we are friends and there should be no malice, you're still a woman... and I'm still a man... and when two grownups are alone in a room... something might happen..."

You slapped his arm as you crack up. "That's what you get for watching too much raunchy movies." Your tummy hurts now for laughing too much "Doyoung, don't watch too much porn."

Doyoung blinked his eyes at your reaction. He remained unfazed. "Y/n, I'm serious." His stared at you intently. You felt the tension and it made you stop from laughing. "And don't act innocent, you watch porn too." You started getting nervous when he moved his face closer to you, his hot breathe brushing your skin. "Don't do that again or I might not be able to stop myself... remember y/n, I'm still a man... with needs."

You swallowed a lump as Doyoung stared at your lips, licking his own before closing his eyes as he moved closer and closer to yours. Unable to control your own body especially your beating heart, you shut your eyes as well and waited for something magical to happen.

Before Doyoung can even brush his lips to yours, the door suddenly banged loudly as his mother burst into the doorway. "Snacks are ready. Let's it!" She announced with a smile. She didn't see anything as Doyoung was fast enough to act like nothing was about to happen. "Yes mom." He said while you smile awkwardly at his mom. Maybe you need to sort something out after snacks.

[kariachi]

Some quick fic. The Tennysons have shed a lot of friends, and Kevin is one.

~~

Six months without contact with a Tennyson, and he was starting to really get the hang of it. To stop expecting messages from blocked numbers, to stop chewing at himself for not being there to help with hero stuff, to stop feeling like he was the bad guy for walking away. Especially now that the cries of ‘betrayal’ from what felt like half the galaxy had well and truly died down.

Because of course countless people who only knew of ‘the great Ben 10 and his companions’ from media portrayals and news stories would feel they had room to talk. To yell over all the people who knew the Tennysons on a personal level.

A lot of them, in these past years, had had enough. Kevin had been the last real hold-out, so much of his worth wrapped up in going along with them, ensnared in the surety they and those around them propped up that they had been the ones to ‘make’ him good, that he had done everything he could to avoid that tipping point. Grit his teeth, tear his flesh, lie, and put holes in walls.

In the end he couldn’t even have told you what his breaking point had been, exactly. It had been somewhere between dodging the things Gwendolyn threw and Ben telling him how lucky he was to be treated so well, between one too many bigoted comments from Ben and Gwendolyn brushing Kevin’s refusal to let it slide this time as just him ‘wanting to be difficult’. Between striving to be better and seeing them get away with worse.

Between a hundred kind words and the knowledge that if he was a little less agreeable, a little less ‘good’, and little less ‘human’, if Gwendolyn thought a little less of herself as someone destined to ‘save’ him, then he’d be brushed off as easily as they did anybody else. As all the people who walked away from them insulted or hurt or worse were by a galaxy that touted the Tennysons as irreversibly Good.

The others were nice enough to not rag on him for taking so long, just celebrating that he finally walked away. Something worth celebrating. The whole mess had been difficult. They’d pushed back, already having been on edge from other people dropping them, demanding explanations and insisting that something was wrong with him for him to have made that decision. Because of course it couldn’t have been them, it couldn’t have been that beneath the heroism, the smiles, the jokes, they were a brand of asshole you just couldn’t live with. Of course Kevin’s mental health must have taken a turn, or there was some outside influence, or he was heading down a bad path again.

He'd moved, somewhere they didn’t know to look, blocked their numbers. Dropped social media so he didn’t have to see random fanboys accusing him of everything from turning back to villainy to running from abuse charges. Worked on forming stronger bonds with old friends and finding new ones, so that whenever the whole in his daily life they’d once filled gaped too wide he had somewhere else to turn. Started hunting for a proper shrink, now that the possibility wasn’t loaded down with Gwendolyn’s insistence on ‘helping’ and Ben’s teasing over the very idea.

Six months without contact with a Tennsyon, and even with how hard it was, he felt better than he had in years.

[copperbadge]

storieswritteninthesand

Fwiw, you’ve mentioned those calming mental effects a couple times now, and they sound a lot like the impact anxiety meds had for me - releasing some of the anxiety mental load to make life more approachable. (Sorry if we’re still pretending that part of the diagnosis doesn’t exist!)

Well, not so much pretending it doesn’t exist, although I know I push back on it pretty hard. Part of it is that I still have no documentation regarding it -- last I heard the doctor who was meant to do the writeup said “I’ll have it for you this evening” and then nothing. I replied to her a few days later stating I’d still very much like it and nothing since, either. I’m trying to determine now if I should bother emailing again, if I should get insurance involved, or if I should just let it go. For what it’s worth, the psychiatrist gave me an anxiety screening that I actually scored quite low on, but of course he didn’t spend three hours in a room with me. 

So a few more thoughts behind the cut...

I did spend a lot of time thinking about it after I realized the Adderall was calming me, because there is a shift in mood and an accompanying physical reaction. I think...the problem may be that we use the word anxiety in two different ways in terms of actual mental health (instead of like, “I’m passingly anxious about this date” or whatnot).

There’s Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is very specific and has a list of DSM criteria that you have to fit. Every time I go back to that criteria, I go “No, this isn’t me.” I simply don’t have enough symptoms. That’s me saying it myself, but I feel pretty confident about it, and the change when the medication kicks in doesn’t cause the kind of shift you’d see if those symptoms were alleviated. 

While ADHD medication can affect anxiety, I think it’s also important to note that I’m taking a stimulant, and anti-anxiety/depressant medications are not generally stimulants but SSRI/SNRIs and benzodiazepines. From my reading, granting I’m not a doctor, what I’m getting with the medication is dopamine, not serotonin. Dopamine and serotonin are both neurotransmitters but they’re transmitting different things, and if my dopamine balancing is what’s making me feel calmer, then it’s likely that Anxiety in the clinical sense is not what I was dealing with. 

But there’s a second usage of the word anxiety, a more casual one, that seems to encompass a lot of shit we really don’t have a good name for. Our vocabulary when it comes to negative emotion is limited, at least in English, and I suspect we don’t seek the nuanced language to discuss it because it’s scary and upsetting. So “anxiety” is possibly getting applied to a lot of stuff that I am in fact feeling but that I didn’t identify as anxiety, that is clinically not identified as GAD, and I was objecting because I hadn’t encountered that form of definition for it before. 

It’s unclear how I signaled anxiety to the evaluator, or what the word encompasses in my case. Could be stress from carrying an extra cognitive load, depression linked to exhaustion, lower-case-a anxiety because I couldn’t put my thoughts in order and so they felt overwhelming. Maybe even just worry I couldn’t get everything done because time blindness meant I could never tell if I had enough time to accomplish all my tasks. Being able to order my thoughts and execute tasks with more ease would indeed alleviate all of that.   

And also, you know...this sounds terrible to say but they gave me an IQ test and while they didn’t give me a number they did tell me I scored extremely high. That doesn’t signify much in the real world, but outlier scores like mine can mean we don’t react in expected ways to testing. It’s possible I just fucked the evaluation because I’m a weirdo. It’s one likely reason, my psychiatrist said, that I wasn’t diagnosed before now: my high cognitive scores were pulling my extremely low executive function scores up into normal range. 

So...I still push back on the idea of a GAD diagnosis, but I’m willing to entertain the idea that whatever is going on in my brain is something that people might realistically refer to as anxiety. And in that sense the Adderall is helping, so I suppose overall it’s a net positive :D 

[tvitr]

Well looky here Part 2

Yeah so let's continue this, shall we? :^)

Previously: Iono pesters Grusha into appearing on Iono Zone to talk about The Accident™️. Grusha fucks around and talks about a load of unrelated shite instead. Iono gets mad, Grusha gets offended, and finally snaps and tells her all about The Accident™️. Iono gets sad because as it turns out, The Accident™️ was a sad event. Who would've thought?

It's the next morning. As usual, Geeta is monitoring her gyms to ensure they've opened on time; each leader is given a key card which not only activates the power to the gym, but also lets her know they've arrived. It's a bit draconian, and she acknowledges that, but if she didn't watch them so closely, then Lord knows half of the barely interested motely crew she calls a League wouldn't even bother showing up to work.

Most of the leaders have signed in by now. All of them except for Grusha and Iono.

Now Grusha being late doesn't bother her in the slightest; she knows from the countless cancelled gym inspections that his gym's location makes it prone to closure due to adverse weather conditions. The weather can often get so bad that it's the only gym in Paldea with different opening hours depending on the season, as well as the only one with beds and showers in the event that staff find themselves stranded there overnight. Needless to say, him being a bit late isn't out of the ordinary.

Iono being late, on the other hand, certainly is out of the ordinary. Not only does she live within walking distance of her gym, but due to her gym career's popularity on her channel, she never misses a day off work, at least not without prior notification. Needless to say, her being late is definitely cause for concern, in Geeta's eyes anyway.

Geeta barges into the reception, likely interrupting Rika's escapades on Bumble, and asking her if she's heard from Iono that morning.

"No, why, should I have heard from her?"

"Well she's never usually this late."

"Hm. Strange." Rika's attention returns to her phone. This sounds suspiciously like a Geeta problem anyway. Only she's this anal about everyone being in on time.

"Grusha hasn't signed in either, could you call him as well after you've called Iono? It's probably just the weather in his case, but I just want to be sure-"

"Oh, apparently they were together last night. He was one of her streams. Didn't watch it myself but a few of my friends did-"

Geeta shot her a glare. "Are you suggesting they spent the night together...?"

Before Rika can respond, Geeta turns on her heel and leaves, demanding Rika call them both, just for putting the mental image of them making out into her mind. Rika huffs, closing Bumble and calling Iono. She's never off her phone, she'll answer for sure.

The number rings out.

She tries again, getting the same result. Third time, and the call is rejected outright. Either she's filming a video, or she really doesn't want to be contacted right now.

Assuming the former, and figuring Iono will just text her if she's currently busy, Rika then rings Grusha. He answers immediately.

"Listen, tell Geeta I'm on my way, it was really foggy this morning and it's only just lifted-"

"Yeah yeah, I figured. Listen, uh- wait you said you're on your way to your own gym?"

"Yeah, I just said that."

Technically he didn't, but she's willing to let that slide. "So you... didn't stay with Iono last night then?"

A loud fake retch from the other end. "Ew, no, why?"

"She hasn't signed in yet, Geeta says that's weird. Apparently."

"Well she wasn't exactly in good form when I left her yesterday. Not sure if that has anything to do with it."

"What do you mean?"

~~~

Grusha hadn't known what kind of reaction he was expecting from Iono when he showed her that photograph. He'd wanted an apology, sure, just... not a tearful one. He didn't like tears.

"I mean, you did ask."

Perhaps that was a bit too blunt for the occasion. Iono did seem genuine distressed and sorry after all, and he certainly didn't want to rub anything in.

But at the same time, she did ask.

She sniffed, wiping her nose on her oversized sleeve and regaining her composure a little. "I'm sorry, okay? I just..." Her voice trails off as the tears came back.

He sighs and sits down next to her, arms folded once again. "I'm not opposed to talking about it, you know."

She glares. "Then why didn't you?"

He leans back, eyes moving up to the ceiling. "Well, how would you feel if people kept asking you for interviews, but only about that one time you did a makeup video and your foundation was way too dark and-"

Iono groans loudly. "Why do you of all people know about that?"

"That doesn't matter. But you wouldn't want to be remembered only for that incident, would you?"

She suddenly seems to realise what he's getting at, and looks away sheepishly. "No. I guess not."

"But that's what it feels like for me." His voice grows quieter. "Ever since my accident, it's like nobody ever cares about what I actually achieved. It's overshadowed everything. Every tournament, every achievement, every competition I ever won, everything I ever did for that sport here in Paldea, it just... doesn't matter any more. I'm the most decorated winter athlete in Paldean history, but it doesn't feel that way any more. I'm just "the one who had an accident" now. That's it."

Iono pauses. "I... I never thought about it that way."

~~~

"Let's just say... she has a lot to think about at the moment."

[missallanea-archive]

a "brief," stupid, and utterly useless guide to the muses on this blog:

( under a cut because of length )

BABYDOLL. mental patient locked away in an asylum by her step-father. keeps falling further down the rabbit hole that is her mind in order to escape from reality. her verses are the hardest to navigate because all three of her canon verses act like complete aus from one another. sweet girl but will fucking end you if you're a creep.

CARRIE WHITE. patron saint of the bullied. powerful telekinetic with a whole hell load of religious trauma. pun intended. generally a sweet kid, if not extremely shy and socially awkward. should you meet her after her death, she can be something of a vengeful spirit, but she honestly just needs a hug and a cheese sandwich.

CATIANA FREESPARK. swashbuckler rogue turned tempest cleric. she's confused about how that happened too. died fairly recently, but she got better. once a pirate, always a pirate. sometimes she talks to her god in her dreams but she's trying to break that habit because some wires are getting crossed now and then between her god and a sea goddess who doesn't seem on her side. will steal your shit.

FISH EYE. just a fish who wants to be a real boy. granted form by questionable magic. searching for a magical pegasus that hides in pure dreams. yes, it's just as confusing as it sounds. easily swayed by pretty things and handsome men.

LIAN NICHANG. a wuxia queen. her hair turned white because men are the worst, and yes, she is sensitive about it. lives alone on a mountain like the grinch and is about as good a neighbor as him too. only really comes down to get rid of people who are harassing the village at the base of the mountain that leaves her the fuck alone. master swordsman. not actually a witch or a demon, no matter what people call her.

LUNA. magical moon cat. has a crescent moon bald spot on her forehead. trying to keep the protectors of the universe on track but they're just teenage girls so it goes about as well as you would expect. really tired of being the voice of reason but this is what she signed up for.

LUNASOL GALANODEL. honestly, the worst. burned down her abusive childhood home with her brother. basically sold her soul to the queen of air and darkness. pretends to be sweet but she is cruel and cold. typical elvish attitude toward other races, too. really, really likes flowers.

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG. my god she is doing her best. normal girl turned superhero turned guardian of magical artifacts. just needs one day of peace ffs. currently going through a crisis due to teenage romance and also ptsd. always smells like fresh baked bread which is a plus.

MIYU. vampire who tried to run from her destiny and made it worse. has to hunt down god-demons called shinma that she accidentally let escape. literally cannot die until she finishes her job, and she would very much like it to be over now. usually accompanied by her mask wearing servant larva. she's cute and cruel in equal parts.

NATHALIE SANCOEUR. for fuck's sake she needs a vacation. and a raise. personal assistant to a supervillain. seriously questioning that relationship at this point. literally dying. trying to beat the current record holder for most akumatizations. she's pretty and could kick my ass.

RIZA HAWKEYE. military sharpshooter and right-hand-woman of the guy who wants to takeover the military. likes like two people and her dog. usually smells like gun oil but it's not unpleasant. has no sense of self-preservation and will definitely die for the people she cares about. does not get paid enough.

ROGUE. the poster child for 'look don't touch.' mutant and working on the proud part. literally too powerful for her own good. comes with the added bonus of her cajun husband who makes things explode by touching them. the og power couple.

RYOKO HAKUBI. half alien, half goddess, all trouble. crash landed on earth 700-or-so years ago after a space battle with the guy she tried to steal a tree from. recently resurrected and free from the mind control that made her destroy 28 planets. she's doing her best okay?

RYUKO MATOI. teenage girl who wants to fight. has a magical schoolgirl uniform powered by her blood. wields a giant scissor. could kick your ass, could kick my ass, could kick her own ass. secretly a softie.

SADAKO YAMAMURA. a very, very angry ghost with the telepathic ability to project her thoughts onto physical media. the switch to the digital era has not slowed down her curse whatsoever but she misses VHS tapes. very wet. is honestly just a scared young woman who doesn't understand why bad things happened to her. will fucking kill you if given the chance.

TABITHA DELAINE. monster hunter and general know-it-all. was part of a cult at one point but she doesn't want to talk about it. lowkey a witch but tries to use her magic sparingly. the biggest lesbian you will ever meet, next to her girlfriend van. lives in van's van.

VEX'AHLIA. ranger and rogue. sneaky and shooty. just trying not to die again, thank you very much. once stabbed a tree because it made moves on her. the champion of a god. will probably call you darling and wink at you. also, she has a bear named trinket and a husband with too many names for me to bother listing here.

[rizavi-m]

~ The Perfect Gift ~

Troubles ensue when Rika struggles to think of the perfect gift for Trey...

~•~

" What should I do?..." Amethyst purple eyes scan the shelf of cookbooks with wonder and curiosity.

" Ah... Why is it always so hard to think of gifts?..." Rika grumbles to herself, shaking her head in disbelief.

She knows that if her friends were to see her like this, they would be baffled. Rika Moriarty, a wise and intelligent young woman, suddenly on her wits' ends trying to think of the perfect gift for her significant other. It's comical, she thinks, so she's thankful that she's just by herself.

" He won't tell me what he wants either... "Anything is fine, don't worry", like that would help me find something for you..."

A groan leaves her lips as she grabs a book to skim through its contents. How she ended up deciding to cook something as a surprise gift was still unknown to her, but it was the best she could think of.

" Oh? Love, what are you doing here?"

" Oh no" Dread flashes in her eyes upon hearing the voice, the girl immediately trying to regain her composure.

" Trey?" The male smiles down at her.

" Are you planning on making something? You know you could've come to me for help" Trey says as he leans down to kiss her forehead.

" Well..." Rika says, smiling at the male as she thinks of an excuse.

" I was helping a friend look for a recipe they can make for themselves. Initially I was just going through beginner levels of recipes but..." Her words trail off as she chuckles shyly.

" You got curious?" The male snickers, amused by his partner's behavior.

" I blame this on you for welcoming me to the culinary world" Rika scoffs, turning away from him playfully.

" Not like there's anything wrong with it" The two share a laugh after Trey's statement.

" Anyway, how about you? What are you doing here?"

" Same as you actually, was planning to browse through some recipes" He hums, eyes scanning over the books displayed before him. Trey turns his gaze to Rika, an idea forming in his head.

" Say, why don't you help me choose, love?"

" O-oh... Um... Sure..." A victorious smirk blooms on his lips, which remains unseen to the girl who seemed too preoccupied with her own thoughts.

" This is why you're difficult to deal with, Trey..."

~•~

" When you said you needed help with groceries, I didn't expect that there'd be a ton" Aster lets out a laugh as he walks alongside Rika.

" If there's one thing you should know about us from the Pearl of the Orient, it's that a big feast is a requirement to every party" She enlightens him.

" And since Trey has been expressing interest in foods from other countries, I thought it'd be the perfect time for him to get a taste of our culture"

" Oh~? That does sound like something he'd very much enjoy" The male mutters.

" You really think so?" Aster turns his gaze back to Rika, taking notice of the pout on her lips.

" What do you mean?"

" Well... I'm just not the best at thinking of gifts, you know" She lets out a sigh of defeat.

" Oho? Don't tell me he got you all hopeless" The male dodges a kick from his junior, snickering at her.

" I'm being for real though, this is one thoughtful gift. He'd be thankful, I promise!"

Hearing that from someone like Aster eased her stress a lot. He was a good judge of character and Rika knew that very well.

" Quite the heavy load you two got there"

" Goddamnit!" Rika mentally screams as her gaze meets with Trey.

" Oh Trey! Hey man, what's up!" Aster greets the male cheerfully, and now all the dread Rika could ever feel piles up.

" This bastard better not spill anything..." She thinks.

" Are you preparing something?" Trey asks curiously.

" Mhmm. Scarabia is having a feast again, and Aster was tasked with the groceries on behalf of Jamil. And well, he decided it was a good time to bully me" Aster eye's twitches upon hearing the girl's lie. He'd admit it was the perfect excuse, but making him a bully? How rude!

" Oi, nobody else I knew was there, you expect me to carry these all by myself?" He jumps in on the lie, figuring out that Rika may have a reason she didn't tell the truth.

" Yes"

" Why you-"

" Settle down you two" Trey chuckles as he stands in between the duo.

" If you want I can help you know" He adds.

" As if I'd let you. You're just going to be all lovey dovey with Rika" Aster huffs, earning him a glare from the girl.

" I'm not going to agree with that..." She grumbles.

" But still, you're probably busy with stuff anyway, we'll be fine" Her demeanor changes, smiling up at Trey who seemed doubtful of her statement.

" You sure?" He questions as he places a hand on her cheek, his thumb caressing her skin.

" Promise. Now go on, wouldn't want to have Riddle off your head" Rika's words elicits a chuckle from Trey.

" Alright then. I'll see you later" A kiss on the forehead before they part makes a shiver run through her spine. Rika waves at the male, watching him walk away before letting out a sigh of relief.

" Ah... Thank goodness he didn't find out..." She weeps.

" You are one heck of an amazing liar..." Aster mutters, to which she responds with a sigh.

" Only when needed..."

Rika definitely owes Aster a favor now.

~•~

" That's so cool!"

Kalim had probably praised Rika's cooking for the hundredth time now. The dorm leader had gotten curious when he found out that the girl was borrowing their kitchen, and he watched her prepare the foods with awe.

" The lumpia is ready to be fried, the pancit is good to go, and the liempo is marinated..." A smile decorates the girl's lips as she looks at her works.

" These all look so good, Rika! I wish I could try some of them for myself" Kalim tells her, to which she replies with a chuckle.

" I'll cook some more for the club soon, don't worry" She assures him.

" Now, can you help me pack this up?"

" Trey's birthday is tomorrow right?" Kalim asks as he approaches the girl who prepares a paper bag.

" Yeah, I just thought it'd be best to get started on preparations early..." Rika explains.

" Now I'll just have the freeze the lumpia and let the liempo chill as it marinates... Then tomorrow I'll fry the lumpia, grill the liempo, and reheat the pancit..." She mutters under her breath as she packs.

" Will you still be using the kitchen tomorrow?" Kalim questions.

" No, I think I'll be fine in Diasomnia. I made sure Lilia would be busy tomorrow" At the mention of Lilia's name, Kalim slumps.

" He... He's always a menace in the kitchen huh?"

" Most definitely"

Kalim decides to accompany Rika back to Diasomnia, much to Jamil's dismay. The two engage in a cheerful conversation, with Kalim's hyper energy affecting Rika's demeanor.

" Oh? We seem to be crossing paths more often now" A familiar laugh rings through the girl's ears.

" Not again!"

" Trey!" Kalim greets him first, his enthusiastic tone still lingering.

" What are you two doing together?" Trey questions the two, eyeing the paper bags they carry.

" Ah! I'm just accompanying Rika-chan back to Diasomnia! She stayed over our dorm to use our kitchen"

" Kalim no!" Rika yells in her head as she tries to take control of the situation.

" Oh?" Now Trey was more curious than ever, suspicious if he was honest.

" Yeah. I had a recipe I wanted to make for my friends but Diasomnia didn't have much spices, so I went to Scarabia. And they were having a feast too so Jamil let me get some of their leftovers" She explains, masking her panic and hoping her boyfriend wouldn't notice.

" Eh?" Kalim mutters, tilting his head to the side out of confusion.

" Ah, is that so? You'll have to teach me that recipe then" Trey smirks, which elicits a giggle from Rika.

" Soon, okay? Just relax for now. Your birthday is tomorrow after all" She reminds him, her hand now holding his as she caresses the back of his hand.

" So you remember? And here I thought you'd forgotten" The male teases, chuckling at the pout that forms on his girlfriend's lips.

" Don't think so lowly of me, Trey. As if I'd let that happen" Rika huffs.

" Anyway, I better get going. I'll probably chat with you later if I have the time. I'll seen you tomorrow!"

" I'm looking forward to it"

Kalim watches as the couple walk away from each other with smiles. He feels happy for them, but he immediately starts to worry when Rika's expression turns to that of panic.

" You don't think he found out, right?" She asks him while holding unto his shoulders.

" Ah, was it supposed to be a surprise?..." He realizes, now feeling bad for almost spoiling it.

" Yes..."

" Rika-chan I'm sorry!"

" It... It's okay Kalim, I'm just glad he still hasn't figured it out yet..."

She hopes he hasn't. But Rika knew that Trey was a smart guy, she wouldn't be surprised if he had connected the dots by now. But she wishes that he'd let her indulge it for once...

~•~

" Happy birthday!" Lilia and Rika greet the birthday boy in unison, both wearing cheerful smiles as they approach him.

" Glad to see you two here" Trey tells the two before his eyes wander over to the dishes they're holding.

" What's that?" He asks.

" Rika-chan made some food for you as a gift" Lilia explains with pride, earning him a chuckle from his junior.

" It's nothing much, but I really hope you like it" Rika tells the male, who only smiles fondly at her.

" I'm sure I would. So long as it's from my sweetheart, then I'd definitely cherish it"

" They're food from the Pearl of the Orient too" The fae adds, which sparks more interest and awe in his green haired friend. Trey turns to Rika, who only grins at him.

" You said you've been curious about foods from my country, so I prepared you my favorites" She tells him.

" There's lumpia over here, and I think you call them spring rolls? Ooh, and this one is grilled liempo. And this one is pancit, make sure to eat lots of it, people in my country believe it brings longevity" Trey listens to her words as they place the food on the table, making the feast more grand than it already was.

" Those are family recipes by the way"

That was the final arrow through the heart and he's gone.

" These look amazing..." Was all Trey can mutter, but from his expression, Rika knew he was more enthusiastic than he could say.

" Don't be shy then, try some" She snickers, watching as Lilia hands him a plate.

A proud smile decorates Rika's lips as she observes Trey, who seems to enjoy himself with the food. The crispy crunch of the lumpia, the savory sauce and taste of the pork, and the unique taste of the pancit made it all so delicious and enjoyable to Trey. Yet to Rika, it's the glimmer in his golden eyes that gets to her and makes her chest swell with pride.

" You... You're gonna have to cook this more often now..." A laugh exits the girl's lips upon hearing her partner's words.

" I'll do you one better, I'll teach you how to make them" Rika says, chuckling as Trey approaches her and wraps her in a warm embrace.

" Perfect" He says, showing his joy through multiple kisses on her cheek.

" H-hey! Stop!"

" Ah, young love~" Lilia muses, letting the two enjoy their moment as he leaves with a grin.

" Geez... A-anyway, I also have another thing for you" Rika mutters, rummaging through her sling back to look for her second gift. Trey's gaze softens, the male now feeling his cheeks getting warm.

" Now you're just spoiling me" He whispers.

" Like you don't spoil me with every chance you get... Here it is" Trey looks down at his hand, only to see a box.

" Perfume?" He opens the box and inspects the bottle. The male then sprays a tiny amount on his wrist, bringing it up to his nose to take a whif of the smell.

" This... I don't know how to explain it, but it feels nostalgic..."

It has a sweet and domestic scent of roses and sweets. Trey can't explain it, but it reminds him of home. It reminds him of the Kingdom of Roses, of the streets filled with flowers and merriment, and especially of the house where he learned his skills.

" Do you like it?" Rika questions, seemingly quite anxious. Trey chuckles and pats her head, smiling at her with undeniable fondness.

" I love it" He tells her.

" But this looks and smells expensive though. Where did you even get this?" He asks as he applies more of the fragrance on himself, satisfied by the scent it gives off. It's not too strong, but not so faint either.

" I have a few friends that owe me some favors, so there's that" Rika hums, stepping closer to the male to take in the scent.

" And I'm glad it suits you perfectly"

A squeak leaves Rika's lips when Trey's arms wrap around her so suddenly. She turns her gaze to the male, who's head now comfortably lies on her shoulder, his hair tickling her neck.

" Thank you..." He whispers against her skin.

" I... Well, I'm glad you like the gifts..." Rika chuckles, hugging him back and playing with his hair.

" I do... But the best gift I could ever have and ask for is you..." She hears him speak. The girl rolls her eyes playfully, pulling away from the male to look into his eyes.

" Well I'm right here, aren't I?" Rika giggles, leaning close to leave a kiss on his cheek. His response was a simple smile, as well as a kiss on the forehead and on the lips.

" I love you"

So genuine as always, Rika thinks to herself. It's something she has yet to get used to, but it's something that always gives her bliss. Trey always makes her happy, and she'd feel more hatred towards herself if she couldn't return the favor.

" I love you too..."

" Are you lovebirds done over there? The party is just starting you know!" Cater calls out to the two, smirking as they pull away from each other shyly.

" We'll be right with you, don't worry" Trey responds to his friend, who only huffs before leaving the two to themselves once more.

" That Cater... Why does he always like to tease me?..." Rika grumbles, crossing her arms over her chests. Trey could only laugh at her reaction as he pats her head.

" That's because you always react so cutely, it's very endearing you know" He tells her, grinning at how her cheeks redden with his words.

" As if... Now what are you standing here for? Go!" The girl exclaims, pushing the male towards the crowd.

" Enjoy your birthday party, alright?"

" I will... Just stay by my side, and it's rest assured that I will enjoy every moment..."

~•~

[redhandedjournals]

Journal Entry #1

October 15, 2022

I am currently starting my journal here with a journal page. I am hoping it will help to get some things off my chest and be a safe haven for me to express myself. I find I can't talk to many people and don't much want to bother people with everything that weights on my mind.

This year has been a tough one for me. I almost lost my life to suicide twice. I am still not sure how to feel about being alive. I feel like my soul died when I almost did. I didn't expect to come back from it, yet here I am. I found out last year my dreams of becoming a funeral director were a no go as I have an adult record from assault from spitting on nurses when I was intoxicated, as well as from when I was put on psychiatric medication that didn't agree with me and I choked a nurse. I could get a lawyer and try and fight it, but I don't have the money or the patience to deal with a court battle that could just smash my hopes even more. I still have the gift of writing though. My main goal in my life was to make double what my parents make in a year, and to be able to travel the world viewing different grave sites like Edgar Allan Poe's burial site, odd cemeteries along the way, ghost tours, art and history muesums, see the beach, and go on a real vacation. One I have never gotten to have. I wanted to do it all with someone I love beside me, and while I have that special person now in my life and I am so blessed to have them, I can't afford to do any of these things as I am not a funeral director, I am disabled mentally and physically right now and can't work, and I just over all feel like I can't contribute to society nor will I ever be able to do the things my soul has longed for my entire life. It comes as a huge loss to me. I am still grieving this loss as it is huge for me. The death of my dreams. I want to try and be positive and say things could change and I may still be able to do these things, but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All my life I have craved adventure, but have spent it taking care of elderly family, children, cleaning other people's houses, volunterring, most of my life has been confined to a home or a hospital and I just want more for myself.

I always have been one to write poetry and it has brought me peace through out the years. It is a form of self expression for me when I can't get out what I want to say. Many people have said I had a way with words over the years and I got some good feedback in my writing classes at college, so I cling to the hope that maybe they were not lying, and I really can write. Lately I've been working on a memoir about my life and I am hoping it will help me grieve as I have never grieved the loss of anything or anyone in my life. My family would never allow me too. I was always their rock and support in their time of need. Writing has always been there for me when no one else was there, and it is something I can only get better at and people can't take away from me--- a lot of things have been taken away from me this year: pets, places, comfort items, and people (both living and now passed).

My aunt passed away October 11th 2022. She was a special person to me and a huge part of my support network. I still try and wrap my head around her death and wait for the coroner to tell my family the results of the toxicology. I want to know how she died, so I can be at peace in my mind and it will stop trying to ask all the same questions over and over. I just want to know how she passed. She always told me to be careful, but why wasn't she? I am a little angry with my family right now. I have had to set some major boundaries here as of lately and it hasn't been an easy thing to do. It makes me uncomfortable but at the same time I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to carry my heavy load anymore. I've been carrying so much for so many years. It is time to let that baggage go, be freely who I am, like me or don't, and live my life for me, my fiance, and our two special pets Betty white (my dog) and Puddin J. (my cat).

I still hear the voices in my head telling me not to eat. I struggle with them because somebody in my head feels like giving up completley, but I guess that is what happens when you open a pandora's box and grieve too many things at once. My stomach is in knots. My family is at my aunt's wedding and everyone is at each other's throats. I am so glad I couldn't make it due to mental health reasons but I know I could not handle it, but at least I told my aunt to her face.

I've been having a lot of memories flood in of the time I spent with my abusive ex and being locked in the closet. I really just wanted to be loved and a way out of my situation. I finally have that now and I am working through my past in a Vampire Novel. I am still trying to peace together.

The voices in my head have been more quiet lately. I just think everyone is tired of everything and everyone. I feel like I need to be alone, but at the same time alone is all I have felt for years. Is it really something I want to feel? Or am I just wanting to push everyone away because I don't want to get too close. I just wish the World would stop or something. I hear the voices in my head tell me "don't write, you're not good enough" but then I have had many people tell me that I have inspired them and that feels good.

currently money is the biggest issue. I don't feel like my writing will ever be good enough to sell a lot of copies, even after I finish my education. Will I ever be satisfied with just being a writer? Most writers aren't famous until after their death anyways. I just know I want to make a difference in this World. Will my writing do that? I don't know. I guess I can always try. I am going to dedicate my books to my grandma and grandpa, aunt who passed away, and to my fiance. All of them are my biggest supporters. I am thankful I have been blessed to have them in my life's.

I think that is it for now. I will write more later. Off to clean, as always.

-redhanded.

[buzzerbeaterbin]

Like clockwork, I always manage to come down with some sort of respiratory illness every February and September ish; this time around however my body has endured some weird PMS, GI, and UO (my attempt to spare those in my circle who are not in medicine and do not have the same TMI-threshold) symptoms all month and starting Sunday I've been dealing with a feverish, achy kind of malaise with a nonexistent appetite for food or water. Not the strongest comeback after a month of an intense anxiety/adrenaline high (my second exam of the year was hell in ways I won't bore anyone with), but I am grateful for remote access to my education in the meantime 🙏 I just hope I'm able to not mess up my sleep schedule too much, considering I knocked out for hours in the early evening today and find myself writing this at 3am.

To state the obvious and expected: school has been exceedingly difficult. Not necessarily in a bad way though, at least all the time? I am constantly flipping between resentment towards the unreasonable pacing of a medical school education and feeling blessed and willing to probe about everything I learn about**; there's no shortage of academic and even existential enrichment these days, and as a kid who never took school as seriously as they probably should have, I'm holding on tightly to the opportunity to prove to myself that I can be the intellectually curious human I've always wanted to be. In short, these days have been an extension of last year - the arduous yet rewarding process of learning, period; about cells, the trajectory of an organic molecule in our livers, the phenotypical presentations of certain enzyme deficiencies, and the hardest one as of late - about how to maintain my sanity while being tested over and over again.

As I've been carrying the weight of this mental load, movement (in any form) has unfortunately been largely on the back burner. I'm hoping to never have to go a full week without at least fitting in some maintenance weight lifting, if not progressive overloading, but being sick this week might get in the way. The good news is I think I've nailed down a daily routine that I can start sticking to once I'm back in person?? I have one more true P/F exam before I'll start being tier graded (honors/high P/P/F), so the pressure is on to really figure out my strategies this time.

Godspeed to everyone working towards a time sensitive, stress inducing, energy draining or fate controlling project/goal/milestone right now - we're all in this together <3

10 things that have kept me nourished recently (I love fall):

CONCORD GRAPE SEASON YAAAAAAA (pictured above - NOT JUMBO BLUEBERRIES tho I have a soft spot for all fruits ofc)

Peanut butter chocolate chip larabars; I have adam tcharni to thank for introducing me to these

a ton of veggie-saturated japchae, porridge, and japanese curry courtesy of my mom but all very simple dishes to cook up as well if anybody needs meal inspo

finding this chocolate and miso banana bread recipe and making plans to bake it w a friend this weekend

planning a mid-autumn/chuseok potluck for this weekend to celebrate w my fellow asian american classmates! excited to gather and bool

The healthy minds (thank you ryan) and balance apps - both have built-in gameifying features that encourage a regimented approach to meditation in the same way that a lot of fitness apps do

seeing matthew's decorated spooky apt and watching season 4 of love is blind together as a mental pacifier before bed

deep cleaning/sanitizing my own apt

finding a volunteer opportunity for a trick or treat program the school hosts for the city kids

A very long but very needed talk with my brother who imparted tons of his invaluable wisdom

**Our existence is made up of long ass codes, created by strings of sugar, phosphate, and nitrogen-rich molecules. These codes are used to make proteins. But where the hell, then, does sentience come from??

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

396 of 2023

Unpopular health and wellbeing opinions

Chiropractic is (for the most part) a load of bullspunk. Lemon water’s supposed benefits are completely placebo effect and based on bad science. Motivational authors/speakers are frauds scammers and salesman. Packaged foods can be healthy. Some forms of religious ritual can be very beneficial to mental and emotional health (others are utterly toxic). Noise (especially vehicle noise) should get way more recognition and priority as a public health issue. To feel well is nearly impossible when your brain is very loud and destroy everything also the rare "good" moments. Way too much health and wellness media is literally fucking up people's wellness by fear-mongering about certain foods being horrible for you. It's fun to laugh at alternative medicine, but it's also important to recognise that a lot of people turn to it because the medical system has failed them. A person's weight is a poor measurement of their health. Public spaces should have areas that are friendlier to people with sensory issues. Sometimes an action or product that's physically not very healthy is still worth using if it has psychological and emotional benefits. Moral prohibitions against partial nudity are bad in general. Intentionally only sleeping 4-5 hours a night (as in for bragging rights, not because you don't really have a choice due to responsibilities, insomnia, etc.) isn't impressive, it's dangerous to others. Every dollar spent on seeing a naturopath would probably do you more good if you flushed it down the toilet. Citalopram is (edit: usually) just the 'we don't know what the fuck to do with you anymore' pill. Most of the evidence against diet soft drinks is flimsy. Everyone should be offered the option to communicate with their therapist via email/text/writing, partially because of anxiety but mostly because things can easily get twisted to make a person look 'unstable/incompetent' unless it's in writing When it comes to health and wellbeing misinformation google is probably a bigger offender than facebook. Being self-critical and thinking about all your own mistakes is a disease in itself that I will never be able to defeat. It's very bad to self criticise based on the expectations of people who don't know you and don't know your life. You're not obligated to do things you can't do because other people think you should do those things. Your wellbeing matters more than appeasing other people's ignorance, especially when their ignorance dehumanises you and serves power and privilege against you. The glycaemic index is a little overrated (unless you're diabetic). It is important to skip breakfast and give your metabolism an extra few hours of rest. Eating fruits is not as good for you as people think it is. Overeating is way too normalised in our society. Obesity has little to do with genetics. It is mostly a lifestyle problem with too much highly palatable ultra-processed food and no portion control. Starvation mode isn’t real and is used as buzzword. Therapy is not as useful for everyone as most people think, especially if you are already self aware about your problems and where they stem from. People like to tell people to just go to therapy when they have problems and ignore that its not accessible to everyone and that having access to therapy is a privilege. Healthy at every size is a logical fallacy. Therapists can be dangerous because they can make people believe things about themselves or their patients which are not necessarily true. Stereotypes are harmful and you shouldn't assume things about other people's health. Examples are assuming all east asians are naturally skinny or all quiet people are depressed. Just because someone is fat or even obese does not mean they have an ed. Doctors should find out what the cause of the problem is before prescribing medication. Children should not have to change in order to not be bullied. As of recently, having ADHD has become a 'quirky' personality trait for many and it's what makes people who actually experience these issues silent sufferers. Mental illnesses are not a trend.