#the last one I've been to was my grandmother 17 years ago

[lokilickedme]

ELDER SPEAKING AT FIL’S MEMORIAL SERVICE TODAY:  Bob was a good man, a righteous man who was loved by everyone who knew him -

ME, SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW THREE SEATS DOWN FROM MY MIL AND STARTING TO FEEL THE 10MG OF THC I INGESTED ON MY WAY TO THE SERVICE:  *snort*

.

LADY I DON’T KNOW WHO SHOOK MY HAND SYMPATHETICALLY AFTER AND TRIED TO HUG ME:  I’m so sorry for your terrible loss, Bob was so wonderful, you must miss him terribly

ME, SUCKING ON ANOTHER 10MG AND READY TO POP A THIRD WHILE LITTLE RUNS CIRCLES AROUND ME WHIPPING UP THE HEM OF MY DRESS:  Eh it’s cool, I can send my kids to their grandma’s now.  Thanks tho

.

MAN TALKING TO MIL AS EVERYONE IS LEAVING:  You’ll see him again very soon, you’ll be together in Paradise forever, we have God’s promise of the resurrection

ME, LEANING AGAINST THE BUILDING LIGHTING A BLUNT:  Yeah no

.

[pudding-parade]

15 questions for 15 mutuals

Seeing @zoeoe-sims post of this reminded me that several people had tagged me with this right around the time that my cat died a few weeks ago, too. I wasn't in a place to do this then, but…better late than never? I guess?

I babbled, as usual, so I cut for your protection.

Are you named after anyone? My paternal grandmother. Which is fortunate because she's the only one of my grandparents that I liked. Also, my mother because her maiden name is one of my middle names. (I have two. Fancy!) No comment on whether or not I like my mother. LOL

When was the last time you cried? I cried unhappily a lot when my cat died recently. I still get teary-eyed when I think of her or see something that reminds me of her. But, I also cry happy tears when babies are born on my little hobby farm, and since it's that time of the year, I've been crying a lot lately. :)

Basically, I'm a tear factory. A syrupy commercial will make me cry. You should've seen me when I was pregnant. Speaking of which…

Do you have kids? I birthed three, one conceived against my will when I was 17, but raised only two of them. I probably shouldn't have raised any, frankly. I'm not a good parent, and I don't like kids until they're about 8 or 10. But, when you're caught up in a Christian cult, there's intense pressure to procreate. I fear I really messed up my son, but at least I had my daughter when I was mostly out of the cult/god-belief in general, so I feel I did better by her.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Oh, absolutely not. (Yes, that was sarcasm.)

What sports do you play/have you played? Volleyball. Preferably 2-on-2 because it's more energetic and fun. (If you've ever watched beach volleyball on the Olympics, that's what I do. Or did, when I could.) I'm tall, so I'm pretty good at it. (Not good at basketball, though, because I can't for the life of me run and bounce a ball at the same time.) But mostly I prefer solo pursuits, usually of the "extreme" variety. Free climbing was a passion of my younger years, and I also did some BASE jumping back then. (I wish wing suits had been a thing when I did it. That looks amazing.) White-water kayaking. Skiing/snowboarding. Basically, I'm pretty active when I can be. Chronic health conditions limit me now.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people? Whatever I notice. I don't know. I talk to lots of people, and in the longer term I notice whether or not they can hold a coherent conversation, whether or not they have interests beyond professional sports, tv shows/celebrities, or shoes/fashion, and whether or not they are able to use their higher brain functions. When it comes to possible romantic relationships, I'm strongly attracted to intelligence, eloquence, and unabashed nerdiness, so the ability to use one's brain and have conversations is important to me.

That said, I have to admit that the very first thing I noticed about my husband (almost 10 years ago to this day, in fact) was how nice his ass looked in tight black leather pants, so there's that, too. I like a nice ass as much as the next person. And nice tits. (It's great being pansexual.) But, if all a person has is a great ass/pair of tits, then I lose interest very quickly. Looks fade and gravity does its thing and all that.

Scary movies or happy endings? I don't watch a lot of movies because I find just sitting and watching one to be pretty boring. (Which is odd because I spent much of my adult career as a studio musician working on movie soundtracks.) I'm much better off watching TV shows, which are shorter. But, if I'm going to watch a movie at all, it's either going to be sci-fi or a comedy. Sci-fi can be creepy/scary sometimes (i.e., Alien), and comedies usually have a happy ending, so…both? I guess?

Any special talents? I have perfect pitch and am musically gifted, though my instrumental skills are far superior to my singing skills. That's about it, unless you count the fact that I can wiggle my ears to a freakish degree and independently of each other, like a cat. In fact, I have a number of atavisms like that, probably because my family on both sides is pretty damn inbred.

Where were you born? In Amish country in Indiana, USA. I haven't been back there since I was 16, though. (And since I'm 59, that was a long time ago.)

Well, OK, technically I was born in New York City because my parents were visiting my mom's parents, and I wanted out earlier than expected. (Typical of me, really.) I didn't actually live in NYC until I went to music school, however, and I was raised on a dairy farm in Indiana that my parents owned and paid Amish folks to run for them. So, I grew up hanging out with cows and Amish kids, mostly. LOL

What are your hobbies? Aside from playing video games? Too many, because I don't have time to do them all as much as I would like. Belly dancing and pole dancing. (Both are great for your core.) Composing music. The above-mentioned sports, to the extent that I can do them now. Swing dance. Embroidery/cross-stitch/hand-sewing/lace-making. Horseback riding. Painting. (Only paint-by-numbers because I don't have the time/patience to learn otherwise.) Home improvement projects. (I love me a good tiling job. Currently, I'm working with my husband on our Burmese python's future room because he's quickly growing out of the enclosure we have him in.) Reading scientific papers and popular science articles, especially about dinosaurs. Amateur astronomy. I want to get into doing some woodworking, too, though I have to get over my fear of power saws first.

Basically, my problem is that I have too many interests and not enough time.

Do you have any pets? I have a (mostly) hobby farm, so…

Four horses that are used for just casual and trail riding, so they're basically lushes who laze in the sun and drink a lot of beer, so much that a local microbrewery has their hoppy stout named after my hoppy-stout-loving, beer-snob horse.

Small(ish) herds of both llamas and alpacas. We breed alpacas for their fiber, which we sell combed but otherwise raw to people/companies who spin it to make yarn and stuff. I have fun doing artificial selection with them, breeding for color and fiber texture and stuff. We breed llamas as guard animals, which are basically guard dogs for other livestock. They're more effective against large predators like mountain lions (their natural enemy) than dogs are while requiring much less in the way of training, food, water, etc. So, I have fun with artificial selection with them, too, breeding for (bad) temperament.

A flock of chickens, which is nice because, even though I'm vegan, I'll eat their eggs because I have tons and I know these hens live a life of decadent luxury, complete with a heated coop so they are comfortable year-round. All of them are doted-on, get daily attention (they love sitting in laps) and die of old age unless a predator gets them. Honestly, they're probably my favorite of the farm animals. LOL They are so sweet and so low-maintenance.

Two beehives, though I'm not sure they count as pets. They do require maintenance, though. Them's some hard-working ladies!

Indoors, I have four dogs, three cats, two snakes, and three tarantulas. And an aquarium set-up full of dragonfly nymphs.

(And, I have employees to do most of the farm work because I can't do most of it anymore, and my husband has a real job he loves, and my kids are moved out so no more free labor. Because otherwise my life would consist of nothing but farm chores/animal care.)

How tall are you? 6'0"/183cm. Very tall for a woman, and my build is quite man-like. Being a tall woman is sometimes good and sometimes bad. Like, I can reach whatever I want to reach and be good at volleyball, but finding clothes that fit right is a nightmare. Which is why I got decent at hand-sewing, because I have to alter pretty much everything I buy that's meant for women, even stuff in "tall" sizes, and I got tired of paying to have it done. I really should just make my own clothes from scratch, but there's that time issue again. So, I make do by buying mostly men's clothes. But sometimes you just wanna be pretty, y'know? (Plus, lately, if you go to use a women's restroom while not looking sufficiently female, you'll get very suspicious looks -- and sometimes worse -- from certain idiots waiting for their wife/girlfriend/daughter to come out of the restroom. 🙄)

Fave subject in school? Erm…I didn't actually go to school much. I was enrolled in a private school, but I was traveling and performing as a pianist starting when I was 7 but especially once I was 10. So, I was mostly educated by a private tutor who traveled with me, specifically by a Catholic nun who was in her mid-60s when I was a child. She looked scary, but she was the sweetest woman who ever lived while also being fucking brilliant so it's a damned shame she went into a nunnery. I bawled like a baby at her funeral many years ago.

But ANYWAY! Believe it or not, grammar was my favorite subject. Being educated by a nun, grammar was a Big Thing, but I enjoyed diagramming sentences, which is something that I don't think is taught in schools anymore. (But it should be!) I used to do it for fun. Beyond that, I love any history that isn't US history, and science. All of it. Except physics because calculus hates me. My love of dinosaurs came from my tutor, who was also very interested in them. Which is possibly weird, for a nun, but there it is.

Dream job? Being retired. Which I am. Yay!

Eye color? It says hazel on my driver's license, and I guess that's the closest description. They're basically a muddy green with some flecks of yellow.

I'm not going to tag anyone because it's been a while, and I don't know who's done this. But, if you'd like to do it, consider yourself tagged.

[wine-and-fanficideas]

Unfortunately Your Reputation Precedes you

Part 2

Part 1

Dpxdc TW for fic topics include rape, child abuse, abuse, murder

Sam (15) - Danny (15) - Danielle (15) - Jazz (17)

*Story Starts Here*

Danny would be starting his sophomore year with Danielle. The Fenton Portal was destroyed in the explosion, and Vlad actually closed his portal when he wasnt actively using it. He wasnt sure what to expect of a year without ghost attacks, much less attending a private school.

Sam, at least, would be transfering with him. Tucker, unfortunately, couldn't afford the tuition.

Amity Park Private High School was vastly different than Casper High. Uniforms, for one, and a strict expectation of excellence, preparing the students for their future careers before they even picked their college or university.

Danny wasn't surprised by his class list. Bussiness, Management, Engineering, Economics, everything he'd need to be Heir to Vlad's corporate empire.

Dani's list wasnt much better. Dance, Gymnastics, Health & Beauty, it was like she was being prepped to be a trophy wife.

Danny glanced through the list and realized, that probably exactly what was happening.

"Tools," Sam said. "That's all we are to them,"

Sam's list was an odd blend of the 'twins' lists.

"I'm expected to both inherit the company and marry well," Sam waved her crumpled list. "So wifey classes and business classes."

"This is so messed up," Dani groaned.

Danny wanted to be angrier about this, summer had just started and they had two and a half months before school started again, but it was hard to feel anything for any notable length of time.

He couldn't remember the last conversation he had with his parents.

Had it been a fight? Did he tell them he loved them? Did he hug his Mom? Did his Dad squeeze his shoulder? When had it been, their last conversation? If he had known that was the last time he'd ever see them again-

"Which is why I'll have to wash the dye out,"

Danny blinked. "Die?"

"Hair dye," Sam said. "My Dad's blond, and my mother a red head. You really think my hair is naturally black?"

"Your Grandmother could've had black hair,"

"Nope, blonde and ginger are recessive genes. Didn't you read any of the notes on genetics Tucker and I made you last year?"

"...there's a square and the letters match up and that's somehow dna math?"

Sam groaned, half choking on a laugh as she shook her head.

"I'm blonde, Danny. I've been dying my hair black and purple since middle school."

"Why can't you keep doing that?"

"Because AP Private has a strict dress code, including hair dye regulations."

"...is purple your actual eye color?"

" No Danny," Sam said. "Purple is not typically a natural eye color."

"...do you wear contacts?"

"Yep. Did you not know that? Tucker found out years ago."

"Didn't seem important? I don't know I never thought about it."

"Well, I'm blonde," Sam said. "And under my colored prescription contacts, my eyes are grey. I never liked the way I looked, which is why I did all the hair dying and contacts and piercings. I thought, if I was a blank canvas, how would I paint myself? And then I did,"

Days seemed to blend together that summer. It was so weird, living with Vlad. Danny had two cards, one debit and one credit. He knew Vlad was tracking his purchases, but he couldn't sleep in the lifeless room.

He redecorated it, from the ceiling full of stars to the the books on the shelves, he shopped until the cards were declined.

That was also the first time Vlad hit him.

It was different from their fights as Hero and Villain had been.

Before Danny could've fought back, or dodged, or even spat something snarky at the Fruitloop.

But Danny couldn't muster up the desire to dodge right now, much less anything else. Going intangible was more instinct than conscious thought, but Vlad was expecting that.

Danny lay in his room, his face stinging. This wasnt fair. This wasn't right. He rolled over and screamed into a pillow.

[thecandywrites]

Hey, so @borealwrites and everyone else who is following me for Monster March and I'm literally only a few away from finishing it in FREAKING MAY...

The reason I've been unusually sporadic at best for the last few weeks is my husband's grandma is dying. For the last week she's been in the hospital as we've watched on as her kidneys died while her heart is starting to go.

She is in her 90's. Her husband, unfortunately has already died 20 years ago. In fact it was because Grandpa Don died. That I ever got to meet my husband in the first place. It's a cute story actually. But I basically want to stick to this right now.

The house she has always lived in is the same farm house she and her husband built together after WW2. It's the same house where they had a family, and a farm and had horses and cows and all that. They still have herd of mustang appaloosas, the father, the stud is named Eagle. And is still in the front pasture to be seen out of her window that he's always been in for the last 30 years.

She was finally moved home yesterday so that she can pass peacefully at home, the home she hep build with her husband with thier own hands. She has round the clock hospice care and is on pain killers to keep her as comfortable as possible. She is laying in the same bed she shared with Don and would have been married 63 years this year.

Two years ago, when my parents dropped everything to go out to Arizona so that my grandfather could pass peacefully at home, I made a good humored teasing remark to my husband that we were in a race to see who would lose their grandparents first. I had my mother's parents (because my father's parents have already passed). He had only his grandmothers and a great uncle. And here in a few hours, he will have won the race. And it was not a race we ever wanted to run in or really compete in either. But one we've had no choice but to run in anyway.

Grandma Ruth will officially be death number 17 in our friend and family circle since this “race" began 2 years ago. And I really, really hope that it will be a while before the next death hits us. But with such a track record, my gut says 'doubt it'.

So sorry to keep everyone waiting but everything is literally falling apart all around me and I have to keep it together for everyone else and obviously all of this takes priority.

So keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers - but only if you are inclined or have any religious beliefs yourself. I don't want anyone to push thseves to do something they are not comfortable doing.

But I wanted you all to know. Just FYI. Thank you.

[amewinterswriting]

15 Mutuals, 15 (+ bonus) Questions

Tagged by @space-cadead. I'm woefully out of the loop with how active most of my mutuals are, so if you see this, it's an open invitation to participate yourself!

Questions after read more for the sake of everyone's dashboard:

1. Are you named after anyone?

Both my given and middle name are for my maternal great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother. However, the name I find more interesting is what I wasn't named. See, my grandad loved the name Vincent. Even had it tattooed on him, and would have named his first-born son Vincent. Except he had two daughters. So he made my mum promise that if she had a son, she would name him Vincent...and I didn't come with a bio penis so I got a more feminine name instead. Given that I'm determined the family line dies with me, I don't think my grandad will be getting his 'descendant called Vincent' wish fulfilled, unless he doesn't mind a fictional Vincent in a future writing project? A book is kinda like a baby, right?

2. When was the last time you cried?

Probably December? Working retail at Christmas is really rough anywhere, but at a toy shop, it's very high pressure.

3. Do you have kids?

One very beloved tuxedo cat who is very happy to be an only child with no human siblings.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

No, absolutely never. Not one single time in my whole life have I ever been sarcastic and sassy and I certainly don't have an entire t-shirt that claims that sarcasm is my second language. /s

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Any major difference that they have that's 'unusual' compared to most people. I'm very faceblind so I tend to use things like hairstyle, clothing choices or voice to reliably recognise people...though most people can and will change those things on a regular basis. Personally, I love more outlandish styles and hair colours - it makes life much easier for me!

6. What’s your eye color?

Green/brown

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, but make them work for it.

8. Any special talents?

I don't really feel like I have a particular talent for anything. I have plenty of creative hobbies, but I feel like anything I can make is the result of lots of mistakes and practice and research. But I'm willing to try my hand at lots of things: resin craft, pixel art, photography, lampwork (glass), papercraft, sound mixing, video editing...I'm very much the jack of all trades. The difficulty is staying with something long enough to finish a larger project.

9. Where were you born?

Rural Wales. If you point out any castles, standing stones or ruined abbeys within a hundred miles or so, I've probably been there!

10. What are your hobbies?

Naturally writing, and all the aforementioned creative hobbies, but also gaming. Big fan of interesting narratives and puzzle-based games.

11. Have you any pets?

My problem child, Blackadder the cat, who is both very smart and very silly, so I think he lives up to his name well.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I am very much not a sportsperson. In school, we were forced to play hockey and netball, but that was more years ago than I really want to admit...

13. How tall are you?

Somewhere a little taller than 150cm but not by that much.

14. Favorite subject in school?

I had an amazing Sociology teacher who loved challenging our expectations and showing us new cultures as best he could in a very rural Welsh school. His passion was truly infectious and I sincerely hope he's having an amazing life, wherever he is now.

15. Dream job?

Independently published (and moderately to wildly successful) author who is somehow entirely anonymous outside of their body of work.

16. Do you prefer owls, capybaras, or flamingos? 

There are so many different species of owls that I'm going to go owls. There are tiny little Burrowing owls, huge European owls, or the silent graceful Barn owls we're more likely to see in the wild near me.

17. What is your favorite soup?

Maybe not technically a soup, but I make a damn good chilli chicken ramen if I do say so myself!

18. What is your favorite…rock (idfk)?

Blue John is a very particular mineral found close to some of my family members and when it's cut and polished it's got a very beautiful blue/purple crystal structure. I've been down a lot of the different mines where it has been found, so I have a bit of an appreciation of the history and how the discovery and sale of it has influenced the local area for the better.

19. Choose a familiar: 1) very dumb, very loving disobedient dog. He loves you but will never listen to you ever 2) a raven that speaks but it only ever shrieks the name of various fast food restaurants 3) a toad that screams like a teenage boy instead of croaks

Raven. I can never decide on what to eat, and I feel like this would be a lot easier if someone just shouted the answer at me.

20. Which planet do you feel like would be kind of an asshole if you met them? 

Jupiter. Why have you got so many moons, huh? Why do we only get the one? Ours is lonely, I think she needs a girlfriend. I think at least one of Jupiter's moons would be happier over here.

21. if you were a worm would you love me? this worm question courtesy of ✨ @/legiomiam✨

No, but only because I think I would be beyond the capacity for emotions more complex than 'this dirt is so moist and delicious, this is amazing'.

22. Least favorite type of clothing?

High heels. I never learnt to walk in them, and I care about my comfort too much to want to learn now!

23. You are now in a horror movie—so sorry. Chance of survival?

On the one hand, I'm an anxious mess who can't handle watching many horror movies. On the other hand, I do cope with IRL crises well at the time and then panic later. And I am handy with power tools. So I think I'll just manage to survive the worst, manage to hunker down with any other survivors and just when I think we're safe and I'm distracted, that's when the horrors will get me.

24. Would you rather: the ability to instantly grow a perfect mustache, or ability to talk to vegetables?

Moustache. Take my 'what is gender?' vibes to the next level. And I'm tired of shaving my pathetic little wispy one away. I don't mind the facial hair, I mind that it's patchy and inconsistent!

25. What do you think of whales?

They're just chilling out in the ocean in their family groups and singing long-distance conversations with each other and I think we could learn a lot from that.

[randomactsofpigeon]

Personal. Apparently I can't write until I get this off my chest so

My grandfather died a few weeks ago. We weren't close and it wasn't unexpected, though the final hours did come on a bit suddenly. He was my last living grandparent which feels a bit weird. My father--his son--is shattered, which is expected. I'm a bit angry at him though because when I saw my grandfather last summer, my dad completely monopolized him and I'm angry at myself too because I knew that would probably be my last opportunity to talk to him and I still let it happen. My dad doesn't have any emotional intelligence. Like I do love him but I've literally be in tears in front of him and not had him notice.

My dad's siblings are mainly assholes so somehow we're not having a funeral until June 17. I'd already promised my father we would go so I'm going, even though it feels...ridiculous, to wait that long. Apparently embalming will keep him fresh enough for two months which is horrific in its own right and reinforces my own desire for green burial but that's a whole other thing. My sister is backing out, who was going to be my sanity during all of this. My grandmother's funeral was an absolute shitshow and I'm concerned about that happening again. Exhibit A: My brother and his wife haven't told their 5-year-old that he died, and she's still talking like he's alive and ALSO attending a family event this weekend, where her five-year-old cousin is VERY AWARE he has passed and likewise talking about him often. That's not going to end badly or anything. Plus whenever my family gets together all of them talk about how they love their identical iphones and nespressos and blissfully child-centered lives and I'm just standing there like the odd thumb out like I've been since I was a kid. And my mom cries if I point out how much I always feel left out and like I don't belong in this family. But I'm not sure why she thinks I should feel any other way when, whenever I try to share any kind of relatable experience, everyone just pauses a moment to erase the contribution from their minds and changes the subject.

I'm totally burned out from this proposal at work that got dramatically sped up when we decided to partner with another company, so instead of the hybrid schedule I'm supposed to be working due to my depression I've been full-time in office, and having to mask...everything in a workplace takes so much energy it's unbelievable. I was looking forward to a break but my former coworker, who took over my work when I changed jobs, also had a death in his family and I'm literally the only other person who understands his work well enough to do it so I'm filling in. Surprise surprise his proposals are due on the 17th. When I'm in Mass for a funeral. Lovely.

One of my foster kittens, who is now 6 weeks old, is stubbornly not weaning. I don't even know what to do at this point. I've tried all the advice that's available online and offline.

I'm living in a shitshow of a house because work has me too burned out to keep up on anything. My plants are dying. I feel so effing useless.

And like I probably shouldn't put this one on tumblr because I don't want to be pathetic but like... I FINALLY got myself back together enough to start writing Lab again and hardly anyone is actually reading it. I got a bunch of welcome back comments on the first new chapter, which was nice, but like nobody came back to read it after. I got next to no comments on the second new chapter. And I don't blame people for feeling burned by the long gap or moving on or being in a different place where reading is not a priority. I really, truly don't. But it also fucking sucks. I thought I was passed this superficial crap as a writer but it has really knocked the wind out of my sails about something I was super excited about, even if I thought I was mentally prepared for it to happen.

I'm just so exhausted I want to cry and vomit. But I'm trying to start my big place exchange fic anyway because I don't want to go back to not writing again. It wasn't a good place to be.

I just feel like I'm failing literally everybody in my life right now, people, readers, pets, plants.

[w3ird0cat]

i wanna liquid fast until halloween but i don't know if my body would take it

i'm bmi 22-23 (?), i've had an eating disorder since I was around 13. i am now 17, turning 18. i have already fasted for 18 days, about 1 year ago, i had lost 10lbs and I felt weak and tired all the time, however, i didn't feel anything emotionally, which was great. my weight has varied extremely in the last 4 years, going from 175lbs to 135lbs to 155lbs to 140lbs. bulimia you know. i keep losing and gaining the same 10 pounds, which is annoying. food weighs on my conscience constantly. i currently weigh around 145lbs, i think. i look healthy, or people have told me i do.

i'm not though. my body is ruined, inside and out. i'm rotten. i've destroyed my metabolism, i have stretch marks, i have a lot of scars that will never leave, i'm anemic, i have annoying side effects from eating disorders even though i don't look like i'm sick.

i'm really exhausted.

all this for what? nothing?

i gained nothing from my eating disorder except disgust. i know i'm disgusting, when i make myself vomit, when i eat, when i don't eat. i know i'm always disgusting.

i want to heal, but part of me will always want to lose weight, will always wish i wasn't born "big".

i was very tall and plump, for a baby. lots of health problems. my mother couldn't breastfeed me because I stayed in hospitals for a very long time. she said she thinks it might be one of the reasons i'm sick, now. when i grew up, i was taller than the other girls, than the guys too. bigger. big boned. fat. ugly.

i am neurodivergent, children often made fun of me during my childhood, through my adolescence too. highschool was hell. i frequently had to change schools. i think it didn't help me with my self-image, unwillingly being apart.

i was sexualized a lot, starting around the age of 13. apparently, men like long legs and voluptuous breasts, even on 13-year-old girls. my mother and grandmother often pointed out these curves that I didn't choose to have. i wasn't called fat anymore, but it felt dirtier. i felt gross.

(i love my mother, but sometimes she speaks ignorantly. i know she had (has) no bad intentions.)

around that time, i didn't have access to the internet yet, so I was still very naive. i didn't understand why, or how, i was being provocative simply by existing.

now I know: because the world can be disgusting.

something else that pushed me into eating disorders, i believe, is to have access to the internet without surveillance. i met so many bad people and saw too many things that a child should not have seen. i didn't really have friends in real life, in fact, real life was a nightmare for me. so i isolated myself in the world of my computer.

later, around the age of 15-16, i decided that i wanted to make real life friends. i'm a Magic the Gathering player, so I decided to go to a tournament in a neighboring town to mine. there, a guy spoke to me, he said he thought i was cute and asked me for my snapchat but I didn't have this social network, just discord and instagram, if i recall well. but i was very excited and gave him my discord. i thought i finally had made a friend! when i got home, i told my mother and she was very happy for me, but she told me to be careful with teenage boys, because they won't have the best intentions in mind. i listened, but i thought he would be nice to me if i was nice to him because he plays Magic the Gathering. there also was a girl i was seeing in a romantic way, which i had told him about, so to me, there was no way it was going to be anything else than a friendship. even with the girl, we were just good friends, but sometimes we'd hug or i'd stroke her hair (i've always been very uncomfortable with any physical contact so to the both of us, me allowing her close meant a lot). after a few weeks of talking online, me and the guy went to see the batman movie together, at the cinema. he talked a lot and i too, we had a lot in common. after we went to his place for my mother to pick me up there later. he started being more touchy. he didn't listen when i said no.

things were never the same after.

i fell into a bad spiral after what happened. i distanced myself from everyone. it took me a long time to become functional again.

for the past few months, things have been going better. i'm in a relationship with a guy, but i don't think i'm in love with him. he knows that, but he knows i love him in my own way, so he doesn't mind the ''in love'' thing.

i was in love once, in my life, with my best friend, but that's over. a lot of things ended after i was sexually assaulted. maybe that's something I could write about another time.

I tried recovery a few times, but it dragged me into alcohol abuse, intense self-harm and binge eating (without purge, which led me to gain weight, therefore to relapse).

tomorrow I have my first appointment with a nutritionist. we'll see how it goes. in a way, I dare to hope that it can help me to heal, even if I don't really believe in it.

if that doesn't help, i think i will liquid fast (alcohol, coffee, energy drinks under 20 calories and water) until halloween. why halloween? i don't know. but i need to do something. i am not comfortable with the way things are right now.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #103

(taken january 20th; uploading surveys taken while gone)

What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? It's absolutely not for me. Though it sounds like a good recipe for getting hurt, I'm ultimately fine with others doing it SO LONG as all parties involved know exactly what the other wants.

Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner? I have an Olive Garden bias.

Name of your first grade teacher? Mrs. Jones.

Whose car were you in last…? My mom's.

Has someone ever choked you? Uh only consensually, let's keep it that way lol.

What will you dress up as for Halloween? It's funny you ask this because I just saved an idea in my phone literally yesterday: an adaptation of Bloody Mary where I try to make some Biblical Mary-looking costume, just with a lot of fake blood and maybe a spiked halo.

Who was the last person to piss you off? My mom finally told me Katie's (my oldest half-sister's) origin story a couple days ago and I now hate my grandmother more than I ever have. And I also want to wring her father's fucking neck. I was the kind of mad where I wanted to vomit.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Yeah. I'm saving up money/taking pictures for people again so I can get my cover-up tattoo HOPEFULLY soon, and I want an industrial ear cartilage piercing as well as my nostril re-pierced, but I doubt that's coming soon now that I know how expensive my cover-up is going to be.

Has anyone told you a secret this week? Refer back to the question about who last pissed me off. I've gone very nearly 27 years without knowing Katie's history BECAUSE I knew without knowing any details that Mom hates talking about it and now I very thoroughly understand why. It's so much worse than I thought it was.

What’s something that you like, that no one would think you’d like? Uhhhhh... OH, hunting video games. I've played them ever since childhood and just find them oddly relaxing. I have no idea how I got into them with how against trophy hunting I am, and I NEVER would do it in real life (even when I was a child, I knew this), but *shrug*

What does your best friend think of your crush/significant other? They're the same person.

Are you listening to music, currently? Yeah, I have this collection of electro remixes of various Rammstein songs on. I fucking love metal/rock mixed with electronic/techno-type music so I can binge the SHIT outta this kind of stuff.

Do you honestly think before you speak? USUALLY, yes; I'd say I tend to OVERTHINK what I want to say. However, I know that when I'm upset, I can be very impulsive with what I say and I am trying very sincerely to correct this behavior.

Who is someone you wish you got to know? It's insane how quickly I knew the answer to this: Jason's nephew Dominic. His brother's wife was pregnant with him when we broke up, and I even went to her baby shower very shortly AFTER we split. I wanted to meet and love him as an aunt so badly. I have literally cried over this, more than once. I know via his mom's obituary that they actually have two sons now.

Who is one person you regret meeting? The two boys that harassed me in pre-k and kindergarten come to mind because they absolutely instilled problems in me that have carried into today.

Where would you go if you got kicked out of your place? Either my dad's or Girt's, I'd guess.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Home.

Where do you keep your old childhood memory items? In a big box in my closet.

Where on your body do you have a tattoo if any? Right wrist, underside of my left forearm, right shoulder, left shoulder, left breast, right collarbone.

Where on your body do you have a piercing if any? Bottom lip, both earlobes, tragus of my right ear.

When have you felt most depressed in your life? End of 2015 through all of 2016. Breakup aftermath. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, wanted to die every single moment of every day, but was too scared to kill myself until I ODed at the start of '17.

When have you been most happy in your life? Realistically probably my childhood. Otherwise, I don't know. Depression and stuff have played too big a role in my maturing/mature years.

Why do you believe/not believe in God? I could probably write my longest possible essay on this fucking topic. But look around you. That's all I need to say to have a strong case already.

How did you get your last bruise? I actually have no idea; I had a random one show up on my chest and I haven't the slightest idea where it came from.

How are you and your most recent ex? We have no form of connection and I plan on it staying that way for the rest of our lives.

How are your parents doing? I can't say for sure about Dad just because I see/talk to him so sparsely. I never really know what's current with him. My mom is okay, all things considered I guess; I was really happy to hear that her after-cancer management doctor is pleasantly surprised that her cancer hasn't reappeared yet with how severe it was. It's GOING to one day, but we're cherishing every single day it doesn't. She still does have health problems though, especially with her sugar being maintained at a safe level; it plummets very dangerously low very suddenly and quickly. She's always stressed financially. She absolutely hates living in this house with our shitty landlord/"friend" dangling her "great kindness" over Mom's head. She's constantly hurt over how my older sister treats her when it comes to being involved as family. My mom has never, EVER gotten even a fraction of what she fucking deserves.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Yeah.

How long has it been since you had sex? Haven't had genuine sex yet.

Last reason you went to the ER? I was suicidal.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? I'm not totally sure? Mom's said SHE'D planned on having another kid, but the wording made me wonder if my dad wanted another. I would hope it's something they agreed on, and it seems very un-Mom-like to make that decision on her own.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend? They've always loved him. It'd be nice if Dad sees Girt again at some point though, like I still don't know if he even knows we're together. I do KINDA worry how Girt sees my dad/will react to him following the movie theater incident, but...

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? I'd totally be friends with Aaron again, but everyone else, the answer is no. Well, I mean... maybe I wouldn't turn Juan away if he messaged me wanting to get back in touch, SO LONG as he no longer flirted with me. I don't care if he's all the way back in Mexico, I would not be okay with that anymore. He was a person who could make me smile and laugh a lot and was very nice to me (emphasis on "to me," I guess...), so so long as he respected my boundaries, being friends again would maybe be okay?

Last gift you received? Ha ha oh man, so a few days ago I got a completely unexpected package of a big Silent Hill map blanket, and Mom was so confused and thought I'D somehow bought something or she'd ordered something she forgot about, but nope. A short while back, Girt showed me it, and I'd seen it before and casually commented on how I'd always wanted it with absolutely zero intention for him to actually buy it, but he secretly did lmfao.

Has someone had their arms around you in the past 7 days? Yeah. Normal hugs, but also on the 15th when I had my absolute emotional breakdown over thinking Girt was going to leave, he held me really tightly the entire time I cried my heart and lungs out and was constantly reassuring me.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? Probably more times than I've laughed with anyone else.

Do any of your close friends have children? No, no truly close friends.

Is your sibling missing someone right now? I have absolutely zero idea.

Have you ever made breakfast for someone? Yes. It's something I want to get back into doing... My family loved how I made scrambled eggs as a teenager, always with a bit of hot sauce from Taco Bell lmao, and I just want to be able to provide for others sometimes too. I haven't made eggs since Sara was here and I made breakfast, and that was multiple years ago.

What did you do after graduation? I actually don't remember, lmfao. I feel like I MIGHT have ridden home with Jason and hung out at his place?

Do you remember your first time? Haven't technically had it. I'm kinda surprised I don't really remember the first time Jason and I started to get actually sexual though, because it was not something I took lightly.

Favorite place to eat out growing up? Texas Steakhouse; that's where I had most of my birthday dinners. I loved it so much because it had a mechanical horse to ride, and I also liked seeing all the taxidermy.

What makes you feel sexy? lmfao oh HUNNY

What is your greatest irrational fear? Probably whale sharks. Like... they are COMPLETELY harmless.

How did you meet your pet? Venus: Morph Market. Roman: he was a kitten that my sister's mother-in-law had. Cookie: she was my former dance teacher's dog.

What are some of the phrases in your personal "bingo" card? lmfao GOD this is gonna be so meme-y. Uhhhh "mood," "same," "me," "rip," "oof," "gg," shit like that.

What song are you currently obsessed with? Referring back to the answer about this electro Rammstein mix, I REALY like its version of "Waidmanns heil."

Who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? I have a big soft spot for Mufasa, even if his role was very short. Wise, righteous, kind characters like him really appeal to me.

Who was your most intense sexual experience with? Jason. I don't actually remember which occasion I consider "the most" because I put no effort into remembering this stuff with him but I do know it was with him.

What colors has your hair been in your life? Dirty blonde, brown, black, red, purple, green... I think that's it.

What is the most flattering compliment you remember receiving? One of Jason's friends assumed I was a model lmfao but he only saw a picture of me.

What’s the most uncomfortable thing a stranger online has said to you? GOD who even fuckin knows, I've been on the Internet WAY too long.

Do you ever send anonymous messages of any variety? No.

What laws do you feel bothered by? Roe v. Wade being overturned and abortion laws becoming the states' responsibilities is one of THE most tragic political decisions made in my lifetime. I sincerely grieved. Literally cried.

Do you know how many people you have kissed? Four. Romantically, anyway. One though was because I felt obligated. I've kissed family on the cheek and my nieces and nephew on the head sometimes.

Do you or have you ever owned any sex toys? Bro I live WITH MY MOTHER so I wouldn't even if I wanted to lmfao

Have you seen your favorite band in concert? No, but the Grim Reaper ain't comin NOWHERE NEAR ME 'til I see Rammstein and have my eardrums fractured in two and have burns. :^) As much as I would absolutely love to see Ozzy, I expect him to drop dead like every day now so my hopes aren't high SOBS

Do you ever walk around the house naked? No. If I'm naked it is for THE shortest amount of time possible and I'm definitely not walking around my house.

Do you or would you ever wear fake eyelashes? MAYBE for my wedding, idk. I feel like they'd drive me batshit insane.

Does your best friend have a Tumblr? What is their URL? I can basically PROMISE you Girt does not have a Tumblr lmfao

Would you ever pierce yourself? I don't think I could.

Do you like the band In Flames? I know and love one song, "Where the Dead Ships Dwell," and I feel like there's another I like, but can't remember it...

What did you get on the last test you took? 100. Honestly impressed myself lol, I took the pretest for the advanced photography skills class I just started that just tested what you already knew and I wasn't expecting a 100.

One thing you miss about middle school? NOTHING.

What do you think of guys wearing colored skinny jeans? HOT but men can wear whatever the fuck they want so it doesn't even matter what I think

Who are all the people you have in your phone under “C”? Chelsea (friend) and Chelsey (brother's wife).

What about “M”? Mom, Mazzy, (Miss) Tobey

If you post videos on YouTube, what are they normally of (ex. tutorials, comedy, etc.)? I am very sincerely considering making Meerkat Manor tribute videos again. I've started making a list of ideas lmfao

What’s the longest your hair has ever been? To like, the small of my back. Maybe a bit lower.

Last thing you can remember yourself painting a picture of? Lesbian meerkat mermaids lmfao

[wildreckless]

My Grandmother passed away 17 years ago today. In remembrance of that, here is some stuff that I'm still not over because it is all so unfair.

• I didn't get a last Christmas with her and my family.

• After her funeral I never saw my dads family again. The exception is one aunt who I saw a roughly 3-5 times for short visits (think less than an hour or two).

• Her death was unexpected, so there was never a final goodbye, I love you's, etc.

• I was 10 at the time, so not at an age where I would've thought to ask her for details about herself and her life. Due to having no contact with my family, and my dad having a tricky relationship with his mom/family, I've never been able to fill those gaps.

• I can't remember many memories of us together, and what I do remember really centers around me. I know I was a child so i try to be gentle with myself over this one, but it's still shitty.

• I have spent the past 17 years wondering if she'd love me for who I am at any given point in time. And while I like to tell myself she would, and I function as if she does, I really don't know. And the fear that she would hate me if she knew me now, lingers in my mind.

• I have also spent the past several years, wondering (and mourning) how different my life would be if she had lived. Being robbed of what could have been is one of the things that hurts the most. There's no telling how things would've ended up (my parents divorced a year after her death, so I imagine that would've cut family ties in some ways), but I have no doubt that having those relationships for even a little longer would've benefitted me.

In the end, I just sit with these things from year to year. I try my best, I hold on to the things I do know/remember, and I work hard to carry on the love I have for her.

[well-fuuuck]

Ok, I swore that I had posted this a few days ago, but apparently not??? (I was slightly drunk that night, so maybe I imagined it idk) Anyway, here is a fic I decided to write when working out Wind's backstory for my LU AU. It basically just follows Wind when he first meets Time. It's the first thing I've actually written for this AU, so I'm excited about it!

Anyway, it's around 3k words! I hope y'all enjoy!

-

Wind had made a vow to himself a long time ago to never rest until he finally found his sister, Aryll, and he didn’t plan on breaking that promise. He would willingly die before giving up on his own family. Unfortunately, Wind is only 13 so he doesn’t have many resources to actually look for Aryll. At least, not anymore. Wind lost touch with Tetra ever since he arrived on Hyrule’s lands and he doesn’t know anyone in this foreign place. He hadn’t really wanted to leave Tetra and the crew, but finding Aryll was more important to him than anything else.

Hyrule was bigger than anywhere Wind has ever been. Bigger than even Labrynna, definitely bigger than his former home on Outset Island. The vastness reminded him of open waters, a moving deck beneath his feet, and shouted orders from his captain. But the various forms of nature were like strangers to Wind. Being in new situations should come as no surprise to Wind anymore, but he can’t help but be slightly wary of Hyrule. He knows nothing of the great Hyrule, except stories told to him by strangers and he was about 90% sure that those stories were greatly exaggerated. When Wind thinks of Hyrule, he has a faint memory of Granny telling him a story about the Hero of Time and how, even though he only fought for a year, he had managed to cut down half of the Twilight Realms forces. The story seemed a bit far-fetched, but it was one of the only things he could remember of his grandmother and his home. Wind wished he could remember more of their time together.

Stop thinking about her, Wind berated himself as he walked through a particularly crowded alleyway in Castle Town. Stuffing down his thoughts and feelings, Wind focused on not bumping into the strangers that surrounded him. The close proximity to strangers made Wind feel on-edge and paranoid, not that he had any reason to be. Wind didn’t have money for anybody to steal and any of his rarer items were carefully hidden out of sight. On the outside, Wind knew he looked like a simple teenager skipping class and not a former pirate looking for his lost sister. Wind considered this a good thing, as he didn’t want strangers to be suspicious of who he was. He hoped to the goddesses that it wasn’t obvious that he was a foreigner.

Wind felt a rumbling in his stomach and became uncomfortably aware of his poor money situation. It had been almost two days since he had run out of spending money, and at least 17 hours since he last ate something. The thought of digging through the trash for food left a foul taste in his mouth, and Wind was willing to admit to having too much pride to ever actually commit the act. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Wind didn’t have too much pride to steal. He had traveled with pirates for a good three years, they definitely rubbed off on him.

So, while passing a vendor that was selling homemade bread, he casually grabbed a loaf and walked away. Or, well he tried to walk away. Wind had thought that the man tending the cart had been too busy with another customer to notice one loaf missing, but the man had been more perceptive than Wind gave him credit for. Before Wind could walk off, a hand snapped out and latched onto Wind’s wrist that was holding the bread in an unforgiving hold. Following the hand up to the face that owned it, showed a furious glint in the vendor’s eye.

“You tryna’ steal from me, boy?” The words were spoken quietly, but they were loud in Wind’s ears despite the rowdy people all around them.

Wind knew better than to deny what happened. It was obvious what he was trying to do, so Wind decided to play at telling the truth. “I’m sorry, sir. It’s just…I don’t have any money, and I haven’t eaten in a day. I’m hungry.” Wind forced himself to make his voice small and sad, hoping the man had a heart.

His hope didn’t hold out, unfortunately, as the grip on his wrist only tightened and was starting to be painful rather than just simple pressure. The man narrowed his furious eyes at Wind. “No money, no food.”

Before Wind could respond to that, another hand appears into the fold and is gently pressed to the vendor’s hand. Wind snapped his attention to the newcomer, surprised to see a tall man with strange markings on his face and a scar over his left eye standing next to him.

A small smile graced the scarred face, though Wind could see that it did not meet the man's eyes. “Now, Ethi, I don’t think hurting a child for a simple loaf of bread is worth the drama.”

The vendor (Ethi, Wind’s mind supplied), looked surprised and slightly wary at the appearance of the scarred man. “T-Time! Ah, it is good to see you. It’s been a while.”

Wind could tell by the nervous tilt in Ethi’s voice that the vendor wished this ‘Time’ character would go away. The change of personality interested Wind; one-moment Ethi had been furious and imposing, now he seemed scared and small. It added a bit of humor to the situation, Wind thought silently to himself. Unfortunately, the good humor didn’t last, as a twinge of pain reminded him of the firm grip still on his wrist.

Time eyed Wind’s wrist meaningfully, then looked back at Ethi. His smile disappeared, and so did his good manners. “I think you should let go of him.” The words were more of a command than a suggestion.

Ethi released his tight grip on Wind, which caused Wind to quickly pull his arm back to himself and cradle the hurt body part. Before either man could react, Wind sprinted away from the vendor as fast he could and lost himself in the thrum of the crowded alleyway. Ethi was loudly cursing his existence, but Wind didn’t slow. He successfully got his bread, he could be happy for now.

-

Wind was sitting on the stairs of an abandoned building an hour later, eating a small portion of the bread when a familiar face walked up to him. Eyes widening at the sight of Time, Wind considered running again but ultimately dropped the idea. The man had helped him before, so Wind had no real reason to distrust him.

“Hello again,” Time said as soon as he was in hearing distance.

Wind didn’t respond until the man sat down next to him on the steps. “How’d you find me?”

An amused smile appeared on Time’s face, which surprised Wind a little. From first appearances, Time seemed to be a solemn or grumpy man. But the smile was a little too mischievous for that to be entirely true.

“I know this town like the back of my hand,” Time responded. “It wasn’t hard to find you.”

Wind didn’t respond to that, couldn’t think of anything to say. What do you say to the man that got you out of probably being arrested? Probably a ‘thank you’ but Wind had never asked for the help so he wasn’t going to thank the man for it.

His thoughts halted when a package was laid on the ground in front of him. Rationally, Wind knew that it contained food but he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Who in the world was this man? Is everyone in Hyrule this nice to strangers? Wind knew that wasn’t true, considering his interaction with the bread vendor. What was Time’s end goal? What was he thinking?

“What,” was the only thing Wind could let out of his mouth. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had given him something.

Time’s face softened at the suspicion on Wind’s own. “I just thought that since you had been stealing food, you obviously needed some. I got you some that should last for a few days.” Wind picked up the package wordlessly, eyeing the grown man next to him. When it was obvious that Wind wasn’t going to respond, Time continued. “You know if you need you can come stay with me and my wife, Malon. We have a ranch right outside of town, with plenty of empty beds.”

Wind jerked in surprise at the offer. This man was causing Wind more confusion than he has ever felt. And Wind went through the Temple of the Ocean King multiple times, so that's saying something. “Um, no thank you. I have a place to stay.”

It was a clear lie, and Wind could tell Time knew that. If Wind had had a place to stay, Wind wouldn’t be sitting on the steps of an abandoned building after stealing bread. Nevertheless, Time nodded at Wind’s words, silently accepting the decline of services.

Standing up, Time faced Wind while walking backward. “Well, it was nice to meet you…?”

“Wind,” Wind answered the silent question.

Time smiled at the answer. “I’ll see you again soon, Wind.” And with that, the scarred man walked off without waiting for an answer.

-

Despite Time saying they’d see each other soon, it had been a week since the encounter, and Wind had not seen a glimpse of the man. He tried not to think of Time’s parting words, and instead lost himself in attempting to find Aryll again. Spending almost all of his time in Castle Town’s library, searching the database for anything that could hint at where Aryll might have gone. Hyrule was way too big to search without a plan, so he had to update himself on the geography of all of the landmarks in Hyrule. It took a ridiculously long time and sometimes Wind wasn’t able to fully focus on what he was reading. Most of the time it was boring and long-winded, only occasionally something small catching Wind’s interest.

From what Wind has read so far, Aryll wouldn’t have gone to many places in Hyrule. She never would have gone to Rito Village or Zora’s Domain, and she certainly would have never gone to Death Mountain. Maybe she is in Kakariko? Or Hateno? Or maybe she is somewhere in Castle Town, which is so big Wind would never be able to find her.

The longer Wind read, the more he felt his motivation slowly leave him. It had been five years since they were split apart in the Labrynna foster system. He’s only thirteen years old, how in the world is he supposed to find a person who has been missing for five years?

And was she even considered missing? Just because Wind hadn’t seen her doesn’t mean she’s gone. They had just been sent to different homes, and when Wind was finally able to try to contact her the foster family she was with they had apparently moved away from Labrynna. No matter who Wind talked to, no one knew whether they had taken Aryll with them or not.

It had pissed Wind off when it was happening and it still pissed him off now.

Not to mention one of the librarians who was at Castle Town’s library every day that Wind was, kept looking at Wind like he was a bug at the bottom of her shoe. He didn’t understand why. Wind was polite to strangers, he knew how to be charming and work it to his advantage. But this lady was not fooled by the act apparently. The first day he came in she had looked him up and down when he asked for a map of Hyrule as if she couldn’t fathom why a boy would want to look at geography. Ever since that first day, it was like she was watching him to make sure he didn’t set the library on fire. He didn’t understand her distrust towards him. He was a very refined and polite young gentleman, thank you very much.

It all came to a head one morning when the lady was acting more skittish than normal and Wind was reading up on Gerudo desert. When he was halfway through reading up on the history of the Gerudo people, he saw three Hyrule soldiers walk into the library and go up to the librarian. Wind’s eyes narrowed as he watched the three soldiers converse with the woman while gesturing in his direction. He had already felt on edge as soon as the soldiers walked in, but now that they had started walking towards him every muscle in his body was getting ready to run.

What was this lady’s problem?

Wind tried to relax his muscles and make himself look innocent. It shouldn’t be that difficult, he was a thirteen-year-old boy. Use what you can against the people you’re trying to fool, Wind idly thought to himself. Tetra had taught him a lot in the years he was traveling with her.

“What’s your name?” Soldier 1 asked. He had a big build and held himself tall, giving off the vibe of over-confidence. Or cockiness. He had a red mustache that hid his mouth and a beard that touched his chest. Wind wondered if that was actually allowed of a soldier, or if the man was rebelling.

Wind shrugged, feigning innocence. “Who wants to know?”

The soldiers exchanged glances, seeming to have a private conversation that Wind was not privy to.

Soldier 2, who was shorter than Soldier 1, but nonetheless still attempted to hold himself tall, answered Wind in a condescending voice. “Well the lady over there seems concerned that you’re over here every day, from day to night, and most likely skipping your classes at school.”

Wind smiled blindingly at the soldiers. “Well, I’m actually here doing my school work. Maybe you three should focus more on helping people who are actually in danger rather than bothering me when I am working. But maybe I shouldn’t expect that much out of the soldiers of Hyrule.” Wind let out a scoff, remembering reading about the history of the incompetence of the soldiers of Hyrule. “Like any of you would actually spend your time helping people.”

Wind knew the soldiers didn’t miss the condescending tone nor the flippant attitude he was treating them with. Maybe it was a bad idea (no, scratch that; it definitely was) to antagonize soldiers of Hyrule, but Wind very rarely had a filter. He wished he could blame this character trait on the pirates as well, but Wind had always been like this for as long as he could remember. Idly he wondered if Aryll was the same.

“I don’t care for that tone, boy,” Soldier 1 said, his eyebrows furrowed and mouth set in a thin line. Wind had gotten on his nerves.

Whoops, Wind thought.

“You can’t speak to soldiers of Hyrule like that.” Soldier 3 had finally decided to speak up. Glancing at him, Wind decided he wasn’t much of anything. Obviously a new recruit, the soldier seemed to be trying to make himself look smaller than he was. But at Wind’s words and tone, Soldier 3 had stood to his full height and was glaring at the young boy. “Soldiers of Hyrule deserve your respect.”

Wind let out another scoff, lifting an eyebrow in disbelief. “From what I’ve heard, the soldiers don’t do all that much. Maybe I’ll give my respects to the Knights of Hyrule since they actually fight for this country. But the soldiers? Nah, they're basically glorified bullies.”

Oh, it was just so easy to get under the skin of insecure soldiers and Wind was enjoying digging the knife further and further. The soldiers' faces were turning red from their increasing anger and Wind had to smother the smile that threatened to break out.

Soldier 1 seemed to take a deep breath to calm himself, then looked at Wind with a tight expression. “What is your name?”

Wind blinked at the repeated question but finally answered. “Wind.”

Soldier 1 nodded, “well, Wind, the librarian over there doesn’t want you in the library anymore. You’re making her nervous, and she mentioned that other people in here have also been wary of you.”

Wind gritted his teeth to stop himself from lashing out. “What? I haven’t been doing anything but reading up on my homework.”

Soldier 3 shrugged as if that was none of his business. “Doesn’t matter. If the patrons and the workers are uncomfortable, you have to leave.”

Wind froze and thought about Aryll. Aryll, his sister, who he hasn’t seen in five years. Aryll, his sister, who was probably fine but there was a chance that she wasn’t. Aryll, his sister, who he promised that he would never rest until he found her. And these three men, these soldiers, were trying to kick him out of the one place he could safely plan his travels and try to find his sister.

Wind set his jaw and glared at the three men in front of him. “I’m not leaving. I have work to do.”

The soldiers were obviously losing their patience, but Wind refused to leave. His sister was counting on him, he knew it.

“If you don’t come willingly, then we will have to remove you with force,” Soldier 3 said, though he didn’t sound as if he hated the idea.

Wind crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, a clear sign that he did not intend on moving anytime soon. Soldier 1 had a glint in his eye as if he was going to enjoy removing Wind from the library, Soldier 2 sighed as if he was tired, and Soldier 3 still seemed angry at the words Wind had spoken earlier.

Soldier 1 was the first to move toward Wind and, when he tried to pick Wind up, Wind held with all his might to the chair that was bolted to the floor. Soldier 1 grunted with surprise at the strength of Wind’s grip and commanded the other two to help him. Soldier 2 and 3 stepped up, grabbed ahold of Wind, and Wind finally lost his grip on the chair. The loss of grip angered Wind, making him lose his cool for a moment. Unfortunately, one moment is all it takes for his life to go sideways because, in that one moment, he happened to punch one of the soldiers of Hyrule out cold.

And, that was how Wind wound up in a holding cell inside Hyrule Castle.

-

Wind wasn’t sure how long he was in the cell before Time came. Maybe an hour maybe longer. However long, seeing Time’s face relieved Wind more than he would ever admit.

Time stood outside of the bars, leaning against them with a nonchalant stance and a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Fancy seeing you here.”

Wind pressed his lips together in annoyance. “How did you know I was here?” No matter how long he stared at the man, Wind didn’t think he would ever be able to work out the enigma that was Time.

“I have connections in Hyrule castle and inside the soldiers and knights,” Time answered as if it was no big deal, but it just further confused Wind’s brain. Who was this man? “When I heard vague whispers about a blond thirteen-year-old being taken into custody, I got a little suspicious. I came to check it out and, lo-and-behold, I was right, and here you are!” Time let out a small, amused chuckle. “I’ve gotta say, I was kind of surprised to hear you knocked a soldier out in one punch.”

Sighing, Wind brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. “I didn’t mean to, honest. I was just upset.”

“Because they were taking you away from the library.”

It wasn’t a question, so Wind didn’t answer.

“What’s so important about the library?” Time asked, his voice quiet as if Wind would run away like a shy rabbit.

The last thing Wind wanted was to be treated with kid gloves. “Nothing, I was just reading. I like learning.”

Time raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with the answer. “Alright, then.” There was a beat of silence, then Time asked, “you don’t have any parents, do you?”

Wind tried to hide his flinch at Time’s casual tone, but he didn't think he succeeded. “No…I don’t have any family.”

Lie, lie, lie.

Wind promptly told his subconscious to shut up.

Time nodded at Wind’s answer, accepting it without much reaction except for his lips thinning into a straight line. “Ok. You don’t have to accept but, I convinced the guards to let you out and to not press charges if you come home with me.”

Blinking at the casual tone, Wind attempted an answer two times before anything came out of his mouth. “Come home with you? What does that mean?”

“You’ll leave this cell, follow me to Lon Lon Ranch, and…live with Malon and I.”

Wind shook his head. Whether in disbelief or denial, Wind wasn’t sure. Either way, he couldn’t believe what this man had said. “I don’t understand…why would you be willing to take me in?”

Time nodded at his sensible question. “Let’s just say, I’ve been in this type of situation before, and offering a kid a place to stay ended up being one of my best decisions.” Wind was quiet for some time before Time decided to speak again. “The soldier you knocked out is threatening to press charges if I don’t take responsibility for you. If he presses charges, you’ll be in this cell for a while.”

Once again, Wind caught himself thinking of Aryll and his promise. He couldn’t be stuck in this cell. But he also couldn’t just stay at Lon Lon Ranch with Time, either.

“I…I have things I need to do,” Wind started, “Important things. They’re important to me. If I come with you, can you promise that you won’t interfere with what I need to do?”

Time blinked at Wind’s no-nonsense tone but nodded at his words. “I won’t interfere. Your life is yours.”

Wind was able to breathe after that and agreed to go with Time to Lon Lon Ranch.

Wind didn’t know what to expect or what his life would be like after this, but he figured having Time around for a while wasn’t such a bad thing.

[randomminer]

Some More Hogwarts Mystery Asks: MC & Jacob

1) How did you come up with you MC’s name?

-Heard the first name in the background of a video game some years ago. I thought it sounded cool and remembered it when I had to name my MC.

-Then I tried to decide what muggle last name Svari would be drawn to. Sally Ride kept popping into my head, probably because it sounded so similar to Svari. After doing some research, I found out that Sally Ride did actually go into space the year before our MC went to Hogwarts. So naturally, Svari would have recently heard of her and maybe even started to idolize her. To the point she chose Ride as her last name.

-Svari's middle name was the first name of her paternal grandmother, Isobel McGonagall.

2) How did you come up with your MC and Jacob’s backstory (family, where they’re from, their relationship with each other, etc.)?

-I'd been playing around with Potter head cannon for as long as I've read the books. But when JK Rowling started giving very detailed backgrounds of her characters, I really liked McGonagall's story. Her mother leaving the wizarding world for love, her father loving his wife and accepting her background even though he was some sort of priest, excelling in Hogwarts, sadly breaking a muggle man's heart so she could stay in the wizarding world, getting a career in law enforcement and then teaching, eventually marrying but keeping her maiden name, loosing her husband, and just being an icon.

Anyway, I knew I wanted my MC to be connected to McGonagall somehow. And while McGonagall's story was very detailed, there wasn't much on her two brothers' lives other than they both had at least one child and the youngest of the two was killed by Death Eaters. I adjusted Svari's story to fit into all that.

Jacob was just a surprise 😂. I didn't know we'd be having an older sibling thrown into this. I had already thought up Svari's twin cousins, Mary and Garrett, and didn't want to get rid of them, so Malcolm McGonagall got an unexpected third child.

3) How did you come up with your version of Jacob?

-I've had to build Jacob's story off of what I'm learning about him in the game. He would be older than Svari, they were close, and she was obviously hurt when he disappeared. For the most part, I've just built Jacob based on the kind of cousin Svari would love to be around.

4) How does your MC cope with everything they’ve endured with Jacob, R, and the Vaults?

-Svari has had to deal with a lot of stuff in her short life. Her father is dead, her mother and cousin have disappeared, she's been sent away from her original family (the peri flock), she is constantly bullied for her non-human features, she has to be mindful of herself so she doesn't accidentally transform, and to top it all off, the freaking vaults!

It's enough stress to make anyone develop anxiety and want to live in solitude. But I think Svari takes her weaknesses and uses them for strength.

For example, a person may be to anxious to make a face to face order from a McDonald's cashier for themselves. But if a friend of theirs admitted they were also too scared to order, you can bet your ass that person will suddenly have the courage to step up and order McDonald's for themselves AND their friend.

Something about not wanting your loved ones to experience the same bad feelings you do makes people brave enough to do what needs to be done.

In Svari's case, she meets and befriends other magical outcasts like her. People who are half human, who have been turned, who are seen as lowly because of their differences. Wanting to spare them from the same feelings of inadequatacy, hopelessness, and shame gives Svari the will to get up and endure another day.

In turn, her human friends at Hogwarts, who see Svari for who she is and love her anyway, help her to see humanity isn't a heartless race. But rather is made up of individuals, some for good, some for I'll, and some who don't fit a category.

6) How does your Jacob cope with Duncan’s death?

-I haven't really developed Jacob's character much. I worry about making it match with the future plans of the game. But I imagine Jacob changed after Duncan's death. Probably started to withdraw from others, including Svari. He may have had a guilty outburst at some of them just before disappearing. I've tried to think of the possible outcomes JamCity could have in mind for Jacob. If he is in hiding or being held prisoner, I imagine he feels on some level he deserves the misery. Or if he is in a state of suspended animation, he probably doesn't feel anything. I don't know.

7) Describe your MC in 5 words or less &/or using 5 or less gifs

8) Does your MC have any sentimental items?

-Svari has three items she would hate to loose:

- the woven leather bracelet her mother gave her before she left for Hogsmead

- the fang necklace her Uncle made for fun and gave to her before his death

- her leather jacket, the first item she bought for herself

9) Describe your Jacob in 5 words or less &/or 5 or less gifs

10) Does your Jacob have any sentimental items?

-Jacob's mom, Teresa McGonagall, is a muggle born originally from a ranch in Texas, USA. Every Christmas and birthday, Garrett, Mary, and Jacob could always expect Texas themed gifts from Pop Pop and Nana (by muggle mail). Nana would go all out and send belt buckles, pecan candy, crosses made out of horse shoes, the Texas state flag printed on coffee mugs, spicy and BBQ flavored everything. But Pop Pop preferred to make the grandkids gifts, usually a little somethingthing made out of carved wood or knotted rope. The year after the twins would start Hogwarts, Pop Pop passed away from a sudden heart attack. While everyone was devastated, Jacob had been closest to his grandfather. That Christmas, Nana sent her usual gifts, but for Jacob, she also sent his grandfather's old bolo tie. Jacob never wore it himself, but it always had a place of honor hanging on the living room wall under Pop Pop's smiling portrait (the unmoving muggle kind). From the day he got it until the day he disappeared, Jacob would always give the bolo a quick touch as he was heading out the door.

11) What is your MC’s favourite store to shop at?

-Svari isn't one for retail therapy, but she loves window shopping in old book stores and antique shops. I think she may have also enjoyed visits to Honeydukes, Zonkos, and Weasleys with her friends.

12) What is your Jacob’s favourite store to shop at?

-I think of Jacob as interested in the secrets of the magical world. So he probably would have liked book stores or connections like Jae and Dung.

13) What is your MC’s favourite thing from Honeydukes?

-Svari likes the prank and sour candies

14) What is your Jacob’s favourite thing from Honeydukes?

-Jacob loves Chocolate Frogs and has quite the card collection.

15) Which Marauder is your MC most like?

-Svari would probably be most like James post Hogwarts. She looks out for the weak, is brave, smart, willing to give her life for others, and keeps her emotions in check. Something Sirius wouldn't do.

16) Which Marauder is your Jacob most like?

-Jacob is most like Remus, but not as sickly or submissive. He is very intelligent, has seen some shit, keeps to himself, but is kind.

17) Something your MC and Jacob like to tease each other about and use to embarrass each other?

-Svari and Jacob each have one parent from outside of the UK. Teresa McGonagall is from Texas and Roxanna is from the Middle East. The cousins both some times accidentally slip into that parent's accent. When they catch each other doing so, it causes roars of laughter between them.

18) A headcanon about your MC?

- loves muggle sci-fi tv (very much a Trekie)

- doesn't like wearing dresses or the color white (makes her afraid to move because she's worried she'll get it dirty)

- can brew potions in Acceptable to Outstanding grade levels, but can't cook to save her life

19) A headcanon about your Jacob?

- his patronus is an armadillo

- can play guitar, banjo, piano, and harmonica

- allergic to bee stings

20) A song for your MC and Jacob?

- probably something by Journey

[pinkpaganofficial-blog]

Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

[sending-the-message]

I've found something about my family that nobody knew existed [Part 1] by Unspecified_Lemon

Hey Reddit. Earlier today I found something about our family and wanted to share it with you and get your thoughts on it.

My mother is obsessed with the ancestry of our family. She just loves it. Her favourite thing to do on a Sunday evening is to grab her laptop and start trying to find out as much out about a certain person in our family to add it to her big compilation of information of our family. Unfortunately for her, there is one side of the family (my mother’s father’s side, aka, my grandfather’s side) that no one knows much about. We’ve tried asking our grandmother but she insists she doesn’t know anything. My grandfather died when my mother was only a few years old and so any information on his family he had died with him.

Anyway, my mother is very determined to find out about that side of the family, and has been looking through the dwindling amount of records and papers she has about that side that she found in the attic. A medical report that had most of it blacked out, birth certificates with unfortunate coffee or tea stains covering any useful information. It seems almost as if that side of the family wanted to disappear.

We were looking through the boxes of papers when I came across an old diary, simply labelled: My Diary. I asked my mother whose diary it was. The moment I showed my mother the diary, she looked almost hypnotised by it.

“Mum?” I said, confused.

“Oh, sorry. Um, I don’t know, the label probably fell off. Have a look at it, be careful with it.” She replied. As the seconds passed after her almost trance like state, I became more questioning.

“Why did you look confused when I asked whose it was?” I asked her.

“It’s just I’ve never seen that diary before but it feels too familiar. It feels familiar but at the same time not. When I…” She stopped herself from speaking.

“When you what? Mum you need to tell me, this could be about some family we don’t know about.”

“When you showed it me, I felt the air grow colder. I don’t know why. I probably have a cold, it’s nothing. Now let’s look through this stuff.” She replied. I knew that she didn’t want to talk anymore. I silently opened the diary to the first page, the smell of old paper wafting up my nose. I read the details sketched in a rough note in pencil at the top of the page.

For John, have a wonderful Christmas and 17th Birthday, love Aunt Joan. December 1913

John and Joan were two names I was unfamiliar with. If John was 17 in 1913, he would probably be my great, great grandfather, if he was indeed part of the family. I was going to ask my mother about the two names but remembered she was trying to focus on looking through the records in the very bad quality lighting.

I flicked the page, to which the date read: 11th November 1914. One year on almost since the diary had been received was the first time it looked to have been used. I remembered that 1914 was the year the First World War began.

It has been a few hours since we looked through the stuff and yet the only thing still of possible relevance is this diary that nobody has seen before. I’ve brought it to my room for further investigation. I have only read the first page. I’ll try to type it up here so you can all read it.

11th November 1914

The war really is not what we were told it would be. How can we fight with pride when every other day our brothers are mercilessly slaughtered in warfare from the enemy? I’ve watched my friends, my cousins fatally fall on the battlefield amongst the dirt and sharp wire, never to be properly buried or remembered. But I’ll remember them through this. All of them.

I’m not even supposed to be fighting in this war, none of us are until we are 19. Most of the men they recruited from our town are underage, some as young as 14 and 15. The bakers��� boy, Graham, frantically excited to join the war only to die within hours on the battlefield. We tried to rescue him. The trench is just not a good enough place to save someone.

I’ve witnessed some horror in the last few months that I never expected. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to write in this diary for. The horrors that I’ve seen will soon catch up to me, no doubt. I must keep going.

That is the first page. The diary is relatively small and clunky, so not much can fit on one page, especially when the paragraph spaces are two lines each. The first page shocked me, but it was good to know that somehow, this person must be a family member. How else would the diary have ended up in the attic? I’ve now read through a few more of the pages. It’s just more of the same, friends dying, complaining about the rats etc. The trenches never seemed so horrific. Until I came across something that shook me to my very core.

16th November 1914

Last night there was some terrible storms. I remember being told that I needed to stay in my area of the trench on my own because something had gone wrong somewhere else and they needed all the men down there to try to fix it. So, there I was, soaked through, listening to the roaring thunder and the crashes of lightning. The enemy had been relatively quiet, but that wasn’t an unusual thing. I looked around a bit. I had never seen the trench so empty. Not only was it empty, it felt empty. Even the rats had disappeared.

I heard a voice. I can’t describe the voice. It was simply a voice that too sounded empty, emotionless and for some reason quite terrifying. It was whispering like the wind, only I could hear the wind separately. I couldn’t decipher anything it was saying, but I remember looking to my left and seeing a figure. I stood up from the floor I had placed myself and saluted the figure, just in case it was a higher-ranking officer. There was no movement from the figure, no reply. The voice returned to my head, whispering louder. I blinked and suddenly the figure was gone.

That is the last thing I remember. The next thing I know, I’m in my bunk, being woken up by the sounds of raging weaponry and shouting from my band of brothers. I don’t remember crawling into the bunk, only the memory of the figure imprinted in my brain. My sense of time was completely thrown and I felt sick to my stomach, to the point of gagging.

I went about my day as normal. I’m now back in my bunk, the fighting got less as the day grew older and so I have found the time to write in this diary again. I haven’t seen the figure, but then again, I don’t even know if it was real. It could have been a dream. I don’t dare tell anyone. I’ll be shipped off as a loony and won’t be able to fight.

No. I need to stop being so silly. I’m just tired and I was seeing things through the rain and thunder that didn’t exist. I’m going to sleep now and try to wake up fresher and less stupid.

I don’t understand what he means by the figure. The strangest thing is, that when reading about it, I got shivers and felt cold, but not alone. I felt as though something was watching me from behind, creeping up on me as I read through the diary. Today has been a weird day. Finding a diary nobody knew existed in a place it could only be if it was placed there months, if not years ago. Also feeling cold, yet not alone as though I was being watched, just as my (presumably) great, great grandfather felt as he was looking at this strange figure.

I’m going to read some more into this diary Reddit. I’ll update you soon.

[wildreckless]

Christmas Eve thoughts, with no merriment involved.

On Christmas Eve 17 years ago, we headed to my Grandmothers house like we always did. It was the one time a year that my whole family got together.

We knocked and she didn't answer, so we waited a while before eventually leaving for church. She died 7 days later.

Each Christmas Eve I'm reminded of that. Reminded of 10 year old me who was so excited to see my family and get presents. 10 year old me who answered the phone 7 days later to hear my Aunt sobbing. 10 year old me who had no clue that after the funeral, I wouldn't see my dads family again. 10 year old me who was supposed to have a good holiday, and instead was met with some heavy shit.

It still hurts so much. As I've gotten older I have recognized more and more, how much loss is involved with losing my Grandmother and my family. I think I will carry the weight forever.

And now, 17 years later I'm met with another reality that I want no part of.

My Granny had a stroke a month ago, and received no interventions. The doctors said she would pass quickly. She is ready to go and has been for years; she made her peace and let everyone know it.

It has been a month, and she is still with us.

If she were herself, I'd be grateful for the extra time. But she is in agony. She asks daily why she hasn't died yet, and when will it be her time. She is just so ready, and there's nothing any of us can do. It's sucks.

But she is my last Grandparent. She was the one holding our family together, and when she passes my family will fall apart. It is very hard and triggering.

And tomorrow, we will not go to her house to celebrate Christmas. Tomorrow we will just stay home. My mom will be fine/normal, because she is a certain type of person (I will not elaborate, but I don't mean that kindly). And my sister and I will just pretend that it's a Merry Christmas. We both know it won't be.