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the-way-astray · 20 days

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Ok just saw that your asks are open

Ik that you do not like Keefe (for valid reasons)

But here's something for you to analyze/think about

Not necessarily to change your mind about him bit if it does it does

Ok so

At the end of neverseen Keefe said "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better"

Yes he was referencing to him running away and for lodestat Yada Yada what have you

But I FULL heartedly believe that it was foreshadowing for the entirety of his chara arc throughout the series

Cause as of stellarlune he is at his lowest of lows

However you want to classify that us he's there

The way he treats his friends, his relationships with them, his mental state, ability state, common sense

All of it

And do I think it's gonna get worse than what it already is

YUP

But here's what that quote implies

It DOES get better

Never says when or how

But just that it does

I fully believe that after he gets past the roughest patch (whether that's him currently or even him in book 10) that he'll slowly start to realize how he's been and start trying to be better and get the help he needs

And tbh

I don't think it'll be anytime soon

I feel like he needs to have the (inevitable) argument with Sophie to finally realized it

Cause trust me as much as I ship sokeefe I really do believe they need to have an argument

Maybe even not speak for a book

But it'll be good for him in the end and hopefully he sees how he's been acting these last few books

Thoughts on this?

okay, sorry this took so long to get to. every time i try to answer it, it doesn't come out quite right. but here's my best shot.

i would agree with the idea of "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better" as an arc for keefe. that would be cool. and obviously, since at the time of this writing, the series is unfinished, there's always a possibility shannon could turn it around for herself. i've talked about this briefly in some post from a while ago, but there is a chance shannon will execute a flawless character arc for keefe in unraveled. is it likely? not really. but i wouldn't say it's impossible.

what makes me think this will not happen? in short: the fact that his flaws, the real flaws, not "cares too much about sophie" or "is too willing to self-sacrifice", have not once been villainized or called out as something seriously wrong in the series.

here's a list (referencing this post, where i list out all the things i dislike about keefe, there's more than just what i listed here, but these are the character flaws):

"i hate the way he manipulates, gaslights, extorts, and pressures sophie (and other people) into telling him shit they wouldn't ordinarily." this is never made out to be a bad thing. the person on the receiving end usually just grumbles something like "empaths", then after five seconds it's dropped. you don't see it affect keefe's relationships, you don't see people become uneasy around him, keep their distance from him because oh, that's the guy that's going to spill my secrets, it never feels like this affects keefe's relationships in any negative way. there is no long-term damage. it is completely swept under the rug, and it is never, ever seriously villainized. if shannon wanted to execute a "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better" type arc for keefe with regards to this flaw, she'd have to start by having it be a negative thing. then only can keefe work toward a better place. but shannon skipped that crucial step. so how can i assume that she's trying to develop keefe out of this, even if the development goes forwards and backwards and all over the place?

"i hate what a terrible friend he is." there are so many examples of this that i can't remember exactly what i was referencing when i wrote that. in any case, basically the same as what i said above applies. keefe needs to first be villainized for his toxic behavior if he's to grow out of it. take his comments toward fitz in the famous healing center scene, as an example. yes, the scene is told from keefe's perspective, meaning obviously he's not going to hold himself accountable. but maybe elwin steps in and reprimands keefe for what he said. maybe keefe detects sophie's anger toward him for the comments he made toward fitz. maybe he's even told off by fitz himself. there are a variety of ways to make it clear that this is not a good person to be. only then can keefe's journey even begin. if shannon is to do a "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better" type thing for keefe with regards to this, then things have to get worse for him. he needs to feel the consequences of his actions, which he never does.

"i hate the way he simultaneously pedestalizes and infantilizes sophie." once again, this is never made out to be a bad thing. if anything, keefe's pedestalization of sophie is meant to endear the audience to him. his infantilization is disguised as """"""witty"""""" jokes, so that is also probably supposed to make us like him. shannon actually managed to take keefe's toxic traits and sell them to the audience as good qualities. could be a masterclass in writing if she did something with this, but it's very clear she actually believes that these are good things. once again, if keefe is to develop out of these things and find a better place, even if he makes a few mistakes and "gets worse", so to speak, at various points along his character arc, that would still require his arc to actually like. begin. shannon hasn't even reached that part. so once again, how am i supposed to expect that she'll write any kind of arc with regards to this?

"i hate the way he's so jealous, so passive-aggressive, so toxic to his supposed friends." i've talked about this very, very briefly before, but i'm almost certain that we're supposed to see keefe as being "in the right" during the healing center scene, at least as the way shannon intended for it to be taken. one second . . . okay i found the post where i said it. here's what i said verbatim: "#i really feel like. shannon genuinely did not mean for him to come off so mean#she was definitely banking on the fact that everyone hates fitz#it's FITZ that's the one that's the butt of the mean joke by KEEFE so nobody will care! right? right guys? guys?#and honestly she's probably correct about that because most of the fandom DOES like keefe and hate fitz so like". now obviously i cannot be 100000000% sure, but from years of reading and rereading these books, i've become pretty confident that shannon genuinely wants us to perceive keefe as an otherwise-perfect angel whose only flaw is recklessness and his tendency to self-sacrifice. so those are the only flaws for which she writes a proper arc. and once again, if she wanted to write any sort of arc for him, even one that isn't perfectly linear, she would first have to start my acknowledging that keefe is the possessive, jealous, toxic friend here. but she doesn't.

"i hate the way sophie has to constantly babysit him because she doesn't know what stupid thing he'll do next and i hate the way he doesn't care about that, despite claiming he's doing half the things he does for her." this is the last one i'll mention in this post, promise. his stupidity is the flaw, by the way. i would say it's acknowledged. so congrats, shannon, you've reached the first step. better than i can say for the last four points. but that's where it ends. it's never developed from. keefe doesn't know how to work on a team and is incredibly stupid, something i ran into the ground while writing my rant. and come unlocked, 8.5 books into the series, he is still incredibly stupid and doesn't know how to work on a team. he consulted exactly zero people before running away to the forbidden cities, and while you could argue that it was ultimately his decision, i do think he should've at least gotten other people's opinions. this decision was so monumentally stupid, i cannot wrap my head around it. i'll talk about it more in my part two rant, but in my opinion, it's his stupidest move yet. now, what about the "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better" arc idea for this? doesn't this mean that this could just be a low he's hitting in his arc? well personally i'd say no. because he never reaches a point where he feels like he's working towards not hijacking plans because he wants to genuinely be better and stop. the famous nightfall scene comes to mind, and as i've mentioned before, the reason this, in my opinion, isn't indicative of his arc progressing is that he apologizes entirely out of a desire to appease sophie and win her back to his side, and not because he actually wants to change. so that doesn't count. in legacy, sophie thinks to herself that if she doesn't go with keefe to london, he will find a way to get there himself, once again showing that he has no desire to consider other people's opinions. sophie actually only agrees to go because she's scared of what stupid shit keefe will get into if she's not there to babysit him. she caves to his hijacking, instead of nipping it in the bud, the way she tried to in nightfall. so i'd say there isn't any spectacular moment before unlocked where keefe is getting better with regards to his hijacking plans because he thinks he knows better than everyone else.

okay, now that i've hopefully sufficiently proven that keefe's arc is not a "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better" arc, at least not in the way it's executed in canon, i'll move to the rest of your points:

"as of stellarlune he is at his lowest of lows/The way he treats his friends, his relationships with them, his mental state, ability state, common sense" (sorry for formatting this like the lyrics of a freaking song, but i wanted it all in one paragraph lmfao.)

i disagree with this. i actually think his arc is looking up, with regards to his flaws, at least, in stellarlune. he seems like, to put it very, very bluntly, a morally better person. like he did some thinking in the forbidden cities and decided to get his shit together. this is why i say that i have to read unraveled before making my mind up about whether keefe's arc truly sucks or not. because if shannon has him acknowledge all the things i mentioned and make an effort to be better for himself, because he wants to be, then i can see how i could be swayed to the "keefe has a good arc" side. i do still think the chances of this are incredibly slim, though.

i would tentatively say the way he treats his friends is better in stellarlune. he certainly seems like he mellowed out a bit. he also only has like a couple hundred pages of that book to himself, and even less to showing what he's truly thinking on the inside, so it's difficult to tell for sure. his ability state and mental state are as shit as ever, agreed. but i'm not really talking about that? i'm talking about his arc and the flaws that i dislike about him, that i believe should be developed or at least called out for him to be a decent character.

"And do I think it's gonna get worse than what it already is"

same, but i think that low will be hit in unraveled. i think what we're seeing in stellarlune is actually him getting better from some major low he must've hit in unraveled. but once again, none of this has anything to do with why i dislike keefe. i dislike him because his flaws are never acknowledged or developed out of as the series progesses.

"I fully believe that after he gets past the roughest patch (whether that's him currently or even him in book 10) that he'll slowly start to realize how he's been and start trying to be better and get the help he needs"

one thing that i absolutely despise when it comes to writing character arcs is when like 90% of the development happens in the last like 10% of the series. it always feels incredibly rushed and incredibly forced, and it can be done well almost never. it's my opinion that arcs, and all the major progress and setbacks, need to happen evenly throughout the series so that you really feel like the character at the 25% mark is a different character than the one at the 75% mark, with regards to the thing being developed. i don't see that with keefe. he's a toxic friend in everblaze, he's a toxic friend in legacy. he's stupid in everblaze, he's stupid in legacy. he's manipulative in everblaze, he's manipulative in legacy. there hasn't even been a realization on his part.

having said all that, i do think there is a way to write his arc in unraveled that could at least make me tolerate him. and i do agree that there's a slim possibility that shannon could magically decide to develop him in book ten. but also keep in mind that book ten or book eleven is the last book. so there's a strong possibility that i'll still consider it too little, too late. but they are future books. i'll have thoughts when they come out for sure, but for now it's hard to tell what i'll feel about them.

"I feel like he needs to have the (inevitable) argument with Sophie to finally realized it/Cause trust me as much as I ship sokeefe I really do believe they need to have an argument/Maybe even not speak for a book/But it'll be good for him in the end and hopefully he sees how he's been acting these last few books"

i agree. i've actually talked about this briefly in my keefe rant, except i've talked about how i wanted them to fight in nightfall, not in book ten. here's that part, copy-pasted verbatim:

“Sometimes I still worry that some tiny part of her holds it against me. That she’ll never fully trust me. That she’ll always see me as the guy who betrayed her and stole from her and ran off with the enemy.” (Unlocked, Keefe's diary entries, 494) This would be really cool to explore if it was actually done. Sophie holding this against Keefe and struggling with that in the aftermath of Lodestar would be an awesome way to develop their relationship and have them overcome that hurdle and give them both some much needed development. But we know that aside from a single line at the beginning of Nightfall, Sophie never really blames Keefe. She just immediately forgives him for his time with the Neverseen. It’s pathetic writing. Something like that should have consequences. But it doesn’t, because then our poor Keefe will have to be *gasp* villainized. There could be this whole arc about how Sophie doesn’t trust Keefe the same and it impacts their relationship subtly and both of them feel it but don’t want to talk about it and it’s this giant, gaping hole. Then finally there’s a climax where Keefe confronts her about it and maybe she yells at him and he agrees that he’ll do anything to get her trust back. Then he does it. He does the smart thing, takes the smart advice. And he learns. He understands what he did was wrong and is truly a different person now. Honestly, the fact that Shannon explained this out shows me that she’s aware the possibility of this arc exists, but unfortunately, didn’t actually put it into action. Would it have been the most original conflict ever? No. But it would’ve been much better than whatever this dumpster fire of a lack of an arc she actually wrote is. I think I might’ve genuinely enjoyed Sophie and Keefe as a couple if she’d just made them have some distrust that they overcome through genuine work and growth.

anyway, if i didn't answer your question the way you wanted, feel free to shoot me a follow-up ask. i think i got it, but if i misinterpreted, tell me.

tldr: the reason i don't buy keefe's arc as a "sometimes things have to get worse before they get better" kind of arc is because that would require keefe's flaws to actually be acknowledged and villainized by the narrative, and for them to have actual consequences that affect him, which they do not. this leads me to believe shannon doesn't see these things as flaws, and therefore will never give keefe the development he needs to have a good arc.

#kotlc #kotlc discourse #anti keefe sencen #kotlc keefe #asks #alaydabug2 #i'm cooking today guys this is the second anti keefe thing i've done today #i'll post the infantilization argument thing soon. i just have a feeling some people are going to be really mad about it #so i'm letting it cook #if i had to pick one (1) thing to present about why i dislike keefe. just one argument i could make #i would pick “his flaws are never developed or acknowledged”#because that's THE THING. no matter what flaw of keefe's you hate that's THE THING that keefe haters hate about him #nobody actually cares that he's manipulative or invalidating or toxic or nosy or whatever it may be #we care because the way the narrative portrays it makes it out to be a good thing

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thatswhatsushesaid · 11 months

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kicking around some thoughts this morning, this is extremely disorganized but here are the key ingredients in this meta smoothie:

jin guangyao +

the bad things that he does (both of his own free will and under duress for wrh and/or jgs) +

textual evidence presented to the reader indicating that jgy is aware of the awfulness of these things +

reader interpretation of what jgy's understanding of that awfulness means about his personal feelings about his own actions (i.e., he is perfectly okay with them, or he is absolutely fucked up by them, or something in between)

= two* contradictory versions of jgy in fic and/or the neverending game of mdzs fandom discourse

(*yes i know there are more than two contradictory interpretations of his character, but by and large the majority these interpretations can be filed into two categories: he's Evil or he's Not Evil.)

the more i mull it over, the more i think it's at this specific intersection (of jin guangyao as a character, the actions he takes in the story, his understanding of these actions as being terrible, and reader response to his understanding) where the disconnect happens between fans who consider themselves jgy stans, and fans who either don't like jgy or don't have much of an opinion on him either way.

i think it's clear where i stand on the issue (jgy is NOT unaffected by the terrible things he has done, even in those instances where he believed his actions to be unavoidable or necessary), but i also want to provide clear textual evidence for why i stand by this interpretation. since i don't have the time today to go through the whole book and draw out the specific passages i have in mind, i'll just pull this one quote from the guanyin temple sequence for now and come back to this post with additional quotes as reblogs later:

Only after the word came out did [Lan Xichen] remember that he’d already one-sidedly broke off with Jin GuangYao, and thus he shouldn’t call him [A-Yao]. However, Jin GuangYao seemed as if he didn’t notice it, his expression collected, “Brother, don’t be surprised that I can call him such dirty things. To this father of mine, I once had hopes as well. In the past, as long as it was his command, whether it be to betray Sect Leader Wen or protect Xue Yang or remove anyone who disagreed, no matter how foolish it was, how hated I’d be, I’d obey regardlessly. But do you know what it was that made me lose hope completely? I’ll answer your first question now. It wasn’t that I’d never be worth a single hair on Jin ZiXuan or one of the holes in Jin ZiXun, it wasn’t that he took back Mo XuanYu, it wasn’t that he tried every possible way to make me a mere figurehead either. It was the truth he once told the maid beside me when he was out indulging himself again [...]" -EXR translation, pg 984

bolded emphasis is mine because i think these textual context clues provide insight into jgy's state of mind, both in this moment where he is struggling to maintain his composure (and will later fail to maintain it), as well as in the past when he was carrying out these actions for jgs. i think we have every reason to believe that jgy is being honest when he says that he once had hope of receiving his father's affection, recognition, and respect, given what we have seen of his past actions prior to his legitimization. i also think he's being honest when he describes the actions he takes for jgs as being foolish, or certain to make people hate him, because... well, that's precisely what happens in the text, isn't it? his word choice is deliberate when he describes his own actions: they were foolish, and he knew that he would be hated for doing them, but even while doing them, he held out hope that perhaps one day, he would have done enough to earn the thing that jgs gave freely and unconditionally to his other children. one day, he would not have to do these terrible things that jgs never, ever asked of jzx, or jzn, or mxy, ever again.

and then. and then.

anywho. /sticks a bookmark on this post, i will come back to this, probably.

#mdzs meta #jin guangyao #he did crimes??? good for him 😌

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morningstar-chronicles · 4 months

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Hi, Maddie! I hope you're having a lovely day! Thank you for conducting free readings. I'd like to request for one, please.

Question: What will my future husband find funny/entertaining about my personality?

Your work, time, and efforts are highly appreciated! Please be well and safe.

- Maryel 🌼

hello friend! please excuse the amount of time this took 💀. here is your spread:

while shuffling i picked up on a cooler colour palette in terms of energies (light blue, indigo, spring green, lavender) which indicates ??

also my phone would NOT stop going off during this reading to the point where i had to put it elsewhere so it would stop distracting me so do with that information what you will. also the cards spilled everywhere so someone has a lot to say here.

getting the distinct feeling that i should start with the oracle cards (which you got a million of, by the way) for this reading, so i guess i'll do that??

NOTE: i'm not gonna lie to you, i asked the cards the wrongass question, but i really don't want to reshuffle 💀. i asked what your future partner would find attractive/endearing about your personality, or what they appreciate about you. so, while not quite the question you asked, i hope you enjoy the reading nonetheless.

queen of hearts - heart-minded, benevolence, warning. i'm getting that you're a very empathetic person and that this person is really receptive and appreciative of the way you're able to look after them.

selfhood - farsightedness, transmutation, expansion. wow okay maryel slay! you're also able to prepare for any outcome, and your future work/academic life is thriving. you're a very street-smart person, and you handle situations elegantly and swiftly.

the jewel in the lotus - release, abundance, balance. you're very attentive with a good work-life balance. you're kind of slaying honestly?? you've got your shit HANDLED.

the saviour - trust, protection, self-sufficiency. they admire that you're a very independent person and that you can handle yourself. to be so completely honest with you, you don't need this person to thrive. but they seem very grateful that you let them stick around anyways.

the shapeshifter - perspective, challenge, medicine. represents a dualistic nature, or adaptability. the phrase "as above, so below" appears in the tarot book for this card, which i only mention -not because it's a bible quote- but because it reminds me of the welcome home ARG. in the most backwards way possible, i think spirit is trying to tell me that you feel like home to this person. or maybe you just enjoy ARGs, who knows. i did mention that you were an intellectual

two of swords (reversed) - indecision, avoidance, blocked emotion. i got kind of a sad vibe here aw :( okay, the way i interpreted this card in this context was that this person does think you can be a bit avoidant when it comes to love sometimes, but they're happy to have something they can help you with. to this person, you just seem so perfect and out of their league that they almost need you to have some kind of reason to need them. they seem really scared that one day you won't want them, and you'll up and leave.

MY PHONE WILL NOT STOP DINGING I CAN HEAR IT ACROSS THE ROOM. this is a sign. this person is singing you nothing but praises i swear. they have a million things to say and they will not let me get a word in edgewise.

seven of pentacles (reversed) - delayed success, slowing down, feeling unmotivated. in conjunction with the three of wands (which is down a couple paragraphs) i'm thinking that maybe this person thinks the only downside about you is how long they have to wait before they get to be with you. the seven of pentacles in reverse implies all good things, but that they come a lot later than originally anticipated, which makes me think that maybe this connection is still a while off.

two of pentacles - juggling, disorganization, feeling scattered. i'm seeing that though most people might find messiness or disorganization to be a negative quality your person thinks this aspect of you is very endearing and cute aw <3

death (reversed) - resistance, being stuck, bad habits. in conjunction with the last card i'm getting that this person wants you to know that your flaws are loved too <3. this person loves you wholly, both good and bad.

three of wands - peace, waiting period, vision. i'm hearing "you were worth the wait" so maybe you meet this person later in life, or you don't start dating them until later or life, or maybe there's even some kind of reason that you don't get married until later in life, but this person truly loves you and believes that everything leading up to these moments is worth it in the end.

NOT PICTURED: i found the emperor card on my floor several days after i first drew for this reading while i was interpreting. at first i thought it wasn't connected to this reading at all, but my cousin (also a tarot witch) pointed out that it likely had to do with my last reading so i'm taking it.

the emperor - structure, authority, discipline. you're definitely in charge in this relationship. that's where i think i'm going to leave that.

#i was starting to get some naughtier vibes from that last card so i figured YUP WERE GONNA LEAVE IT HERE #tarot deck #tarot reading #tarot cards #tarot #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #free tarot #tarot community #tarot reader #tarot witch

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ha-youwish · 5 months

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This is not a vent post, it’s a book recommendation and self-analysis kinda. Please consider reading this, I won’t blame you if you don’t.

Last year around this time, my granddaddy passed away. Usually, online and in formal spaces I would call him my grandfather, but that’s not what I call him and I will not limit myself for this post.

Last year around this time I was beginning my second semester of college ever. I was not doing so well. My grades were low because my attendance was abysmal and my work outside the class was shit. However the previous semester I had taken a class that I was able to stick around for more than the rest.

This class was studying how different major religions and cultures coped with death and how they thought of the afterlife. I bought the books for that class with financial aid and never read them.

Just now I got done reading one of the books, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner, never read it until I found it sitting around today.

It’s a relatively short book, under 200 pages, about how Kushner deals with the question “Why do bad things happen to good people?” from his place as a rabbi.

Now I don’t have any sort of relationship with god. i’m not strictly atheist or anything but i tend to believe in whatever religion people want me to believe in if they ask me to pray for them or a family member.

when grandaddy died, i had nothing to fall back on. granddaddy was extremely religious and generous, i am so incredibly grateful he was involved in my life and there for me. but people from his church said it was a part of god’s plan or that there was a reason he passed when he did and when i was in such a low state at college already.

i moved away to college and the landlord sold my home. i was in an unfamiliar uncomfortable place where the only place i felt fully comfortable was now completely inaccessible. my mom moved in with grandaddy and took care of him before he passed. it was tense. he was kind but old and stubborn and so is everyone else. the drain of taking care of someone can be worth it, but that doesnt mean its not there.

i was, and am, dealing with severe depression surrounded by other gloomy people who didnt make it much better. i never went to class and i had, and have, crushing guilt that i was wasting the time and money of my family.

and then granddaddy went to the hospital. and then he died. and its unfair.

all of it is unfair, and if it was a part of gods plan then hes fucking unfair too.

now, i have not necessarily moved on. my fingers shake still if i think about it too long. i dont even know if im going to post this because of how exposed and raw i feel. but its important to me that somehow in some way this gets expressed and that someone other than myself will read it.

your suffering was unfair, whether it was a lot or a little. the world is unfair. we all know it. i hope you know that you will never be able to look into the eyes of someone who has never known suffering, and i hope you can find some comfort in that connection.

this book is from the point of view from a religious man. it talks a lot about a god i dont believe in. but the way it talks about suffering and how it effects people makes it helpful for me to parse my own feelings and thoughts.

so feel free to replace god with whatever you want, with humanity and spirit and the universe and everything good. here are some quotes, alt text included:

- sometimes i convince myself that what i feel is nothing more than chemicals, that the regret i feel from not driving home the day before and visiting before he passed was just something my mind is doing.

i once stayed up late at grandaddys house after he passed and i was shoved right back into school like my life hadnt just gotten its shit rocked.

my mom was in her room asleep, but i really couldn’t take it anymore. we stayed up late just talking through how we felt after i had cried to her. and to be completely honest, hearing that she had regrets and wished for just a little more time fucking sucked. knowing the people around you are going through it sucks, even if it was to be expected

but we connected over that long early morning. we resolved almost nothing. i felt the same as i did before and granddaddys still dead and buried. but it was easier to go on after that.

another quote, a tldr if you don’t want to read the book but want to understand what he gets at, in the end of it all.

i dont think i can forgive other people for being unfair, not without effort. but i think i can forgive the universe because the unfairness is proof that people have choices. shit happens, you choose what to do after it.

for a lot of people, mourning and religion bring them the strength to move on, as he talks about in the book. things dont get better because of prayer that god will fix everything or the universe will set itself right again or you can escape through fantasy books to another world,

they get better because something gives us strength to get up again and keep moving. to kushner, thats god and people who came together to support him. to me, i dont know yet, i dont know if i’ve really started to pick up my life yet. but i think this book helped me start to see the bigger picture

#long post #sorry this is kinda personal #but like thanks for reading if you made it this far #im not putting a readmore for Reasons. sorry

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ignyxdaughter · 1 year

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𝐗𝐕𝐈𝐈 - 𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐒

(𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 /𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐤𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐳𝐨𝐯𝐚 𝐱 𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐨𝐧)

MASTERLIST

READ ON WATTPAD

A/N: Hey, everyone! How are you? Firstly, I want to apologize for the long delay. I let you down by making you wait for just a chapter, so I came back with two — one for today and another for tomorrow. I hope you enjoy them. Also, although not posting, I have seen and read and reread every note of yours. These were literally the motivations that took me back to writing, so thank you to everyone who's been reading, liking and commenting in the fic! I can't express in words how much you are important to me! Finally, I was gone for a while due to personal reasons. Honestly, I was a mess and, because of that, had to take some time for myself. But I am better now and have found pleasure in writing again! I think all I want to say is: take care of yourselves — mental health is really important — and remember that you are special; you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are💕

A/N: The Darkling's memories which have Baghra are made with quotes from "The Demon in the Wood", so it totally belongs to Leigh Bardugo!

A/N: English is not my first language. I’m gonna mix the books and the tv show to make the story line clearer (I read soc, the grisha trilogy and its tales). I don’t own Shadow and Bone and TO/Legacies characters; they’re, respectively, Leigh Bardugo, L. J. Smith and Julie Plec. Also, this is how I think the Darkling is,and some of the events will be changed due to the story's course!

word count: 4942

warnings: mentions of suicide attempts, self harm, death and witch hunt

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The shock on her face increases, for once not knowing what to do. Katherine can only stare at The Darkling as he talks. She hears a few accusations — truths — about her killing Malyen Oretsev, but doesn't pay attention to any of that, since the thought that occupies her head is that everything is not making sense. Kirigan created the Shadow Fold, he's The Black Heretic; he surely was chased by many otkazat'sya in his life, including tsar Anastas guards, and seen with his own eyes other Grishas fighting against each other for survival and then brutally dying. It's impossible that he hasn't seen any change in Ravka after the creation of the Unsea, that he hasn't seen his country beginning to have more peace and haven for his people. So why does he have the desire to end the Fold?

Only an idiot would want that, and she knows that Kirigan isn't one.

"Do you have something to say about all of this?" The witch is able to finally hear clearly an entire sentence from him. She blinks a few times to concentrate on the General's stern face and look at the dark brown eyes that are fuming with rage.

"What really is your plan?"

"The one that you possibly ruined forever?!" He yells at her, all his patience gone.

"Anastasia said that Ravka before the Fold's creation was a complete disgrace." Katherine blatantly ignores him. "Supernaturals and Grishas lived in dread of being accused of practicing small science or magic, of getting persecuted, tortured and killed. Or worse, of having someone they love find that destiny!"

The Darkling clenches his jaw in indignation. Katherine is close to discovering his true intentions, and he doesn't know what her reaction will be, because expanding the Unsea would probably break magical balance, which she so fiercely protects. "Who's that woman?"

"Someone older and cleverer than you and I. But she doesn't matter to this conversation. What matters is her saying: that the Fold reduced the number of mortals defying and sentencing our people, and even protects Ravka from the war against the Fjerdan and the Shu Han." She approaches him with a pointing finger. "Your creation, Kirigan." The woman pokes her finger on his chest, which slightly pushes him backwards. "Your bloody creation did that! So why fucking end it?!"

"You ruined my plan!"

"The plan that would bring disgrace into my people again? Yes, I ruined it, and thank the Ancestors that I did it!"

"My plan would strengthen Ravka!"

She chuckles. "Oh, yes, by giving all the power to an inexperienced lightscum."

Lightscum, as if Alina's power was something to be disgusted about.

Of course, the General heard from Genya and the Sun Summoner of how cold Ms. Anya, the handmaiden, was towards the latter. They used to say that she seemed annoyed whenever Alina was close and never talked to her unless she asked something. For a brief moment, he recalls a conversation with the younger woman in which she said that Ms. Anya had never shared a smile with her and was only second to Baghra in rudeness because she hadn't beaten her with a stick... yet.

At the time, The Darkling thought the issue was jealousy or contempt over a Grisha. However, now he knows that it can't be the latter, since Katherine is a witch, but at the same time, the first option doesn't seem right. The shadow singer's voice at the mention of Alina was of grudge instead of anger, and this isn't typical of jealousy.

Now it was his turn to let out a small mocking laugh. "You really think I would give all the power to her?"

"Of course you would! Her light blinds you till it destroys you! That's what they are: traitors."

"Alina is too young to have the mind to betray her kind." Kirigan has to gather all of his strength to not ask all the questions he wants the answers to. Of why Katherine truly killed Malyen Oretsev and why the name 'lightscum' for who has the power of light, of what happened to her when she was taken away from him, of how she got here and discovered he is The Black Heretic... He truly wants to know the witch, all of her; body, heart and soul. But there's a specific question that his whole being screams for an immediate answer — he wishes to look at her eyes and say 'are you alright?'. However, he feels it'll be better to wait until Katherine blurts out everything that's inside her head to then fulfill his desire.

Cheshire told him this morning to listen to her before acting, and that's what he'll do. After all, to gain this woman, he has to understand her.

"She hadn't been with her kind until a few months ago! No matter how much time she spends with Grisha, she will always prefer the mortals because they were who raised her!" Katherine's last string of patience runs out. Without being aware of her uncontrollable behavior, she starts yelling in rage, every concealed thought of hers pleading to be freed. "And even if that weren't the case, she would be capable of treason because that's how lightscums are: fucking snobs who only care about themselves. For you to have a glimpse of how much they lack character, they have a habit of stealing other lightscums' power for themselves, so that they are more powerful and have no competition in the way. I've never known one worthy of loyalty, mainly because everyone I've given the slightest bit of trust has stabbed me in the back!"

"I'm sure Alina is not like that."

"Stop defending her!" The General raises his eyebrows as she shouts in english, the shadows in the woods increasing and turning the place darker with all the fury she's feeling. Wrath took her completely, till the point she cannot control her powers and translate her words into ravkan. "I am a trickle in the middle of a river of them and they took every inch of happiness I have had from the beginning! My lightscums breeders used to beat me until I lost conscience, and those two wenches that were born along with me used to call me horrendous names. Years after I left and found a family, they took some of them from me. I know that because the man who whipped my back uncountable times was the lightscum who helped in the plan to kill my aunt, my uncle and my father. MY BLOODY FATHER!"

The Darkling's heart clenches in his chest while hearing these confessions; his mind, a mix of sadness and anger. Sadness for knowing how much Katherine has been hurt in life, and anger for those who dared to do that to her. These feelings only increase when he sees tears wetting her eyes. A stab in his guts would be better than witnessing these beautiful light green orbs full of sorrow.

"He was the only one who never judged me, and they killed him." Her knees give way to the freezing floor, weak from having to hold the weight of a heartache that was stuck inside her for decades, centuries, even. "I tried—" She takes a deep shaking breath to recompose herself, but fails miserably. "I tried to meet other lightscums, but they always betrayed me. The result was countless assassination attempts and lovers and friends approaching me out of interest only to turn their backs on me after I didn't give them influence in the Supernatural community."

"Katherine—"

"After so much effort for nothing, I concluded that they are scums! All of them, no matter what!" Finally, she faces him, which makes him see how wounded she still is with these horrible events. Saints, if he had the power to go back in time to kill everyone who helped on breaking Katherine, he would gladly do it. "You want to know why I killed your tracker? Because I'm fucking TIRED! I'm tired of being mistreated for having shadows. I'm tired of being replaced by a lightscum and seeing others live the consequences of their actions. But you know what I'm really tired of? To see my people suffering."

A shiver runs down through the witch's spine by what she is going to say next, for once, not caring about the Shadow Summoner's rejection. After all, she was classified as second place the moment when he choses Alina over her. Now, the only things that matter to Katherine are regaining Agatha's memories and protecting the Supernaturals and herself from two certain Grishas.

The Darkling, because he is the person who Katherine has fallen for and the mind behind the plan of destroying the Unsea. And Alina, because she is the puppet that will concret the plan.

"So don't expect me to do nothing when their safety is threatened." Her voice fails a little from physical and emotional exhaustion. "I will do everything in my power to leave this Fold intact and let that lightscum away from an amplifier. If you want to give her the Morozova stag, the sea whip and the firebird for her to produce magic, you'll have to pass through me. And believe when I say that my shadows are loyal, and will always protect me."

A fragment of her still screams to be freed — the one who wants to ask why would he destroy his greatest creation — but she conceals that part inside of her. It's not the time to question that, not yet.

Shock is expressed all over in the General's face. His dark brown eyes are widened; his eyebrows, raised; his mouth, slightly agape. He thinks of all the ways the witch could have discovered this, until he concludes that the most accurates options are through confidential conversations in the Little Palace or by rummaging through his chambers. However, none of them make sense. The first, because Kirigan never shared with anyone the plan to go after the other two amplifiers; the second, because he is sure that Katherine has only been in his room once, and on that day she was reading a page which had notes only about the Morozova's stag and, on the corner of it, the name 'hanging tree' was alone, without any explanation underneath it.

The Darkling opens his mouth to demand how she found out his intentions, but closes it as soon as he remembers the first time they had a real conversation. He woke up earlier to return those ludicrous books in Norse runes to the Little Palace's library just to then see 'Ms. Anya' carefully reading the Latin titles. Though what really caught his attention that day was the old red book on her hands, one with a worn cover and light brown pages from its use.

Katherine read the Istorii Sankt'ya. His Istorii Sankt'ya, which later he found out that she made notes on its final page. Katherine's wisdom, however, never seems to fail him, since all the scratches were written in Norse runes. So even if he wants to read it — and the Saints know how he tried —, he can't, because he doesn't understand the language.

He has to urgently find a translator as soon as he gets back to the Little Palace.

"My book."

The witch scoffs by hearing the realization in his voice. "I'm not a fool that cannot see through the images, Kirigan. The page with the Morozova stag, the sea whip and the firebird was opened on my lap as I learned about amplifiers. It took me a single look to question what would happen if a Grisha had more than one."

"Have you told—" He stops when she shakes her head, his heart racing as fast as a horse as she speaks again.

"Nature didn't make Grishas' body to handle magic. Even if they manage to practice it, they can't control it. You must know that." With her jaw, Katherine points at the Fold behind her. "Did it hurt when you did it? Had you felt you were going to die in agony?"

He takes a deep breath, as if the action would encourage him to confess. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, The Darkling says: "Yes."

Her answer is a simple nod, while her eyes fall to the ground in shame. "I've broken many magical balances in my life. All of them hurted, and in all of them I begged to die." Kirigan can feel his heart clenching as she tells him the truth, not wanting to imagine her in a breakdown worse than now. "I'm not proud of these moments, but they were from a time when I couldn't stand breathing anymore. Have you ever felt that? The need to just... end it all and rest forever."

He thought that so many times, but the most remarkable one was when tsar Anastas' guards murdered Luda in front of him.

He wants to say that to Katherine, to guarantee that she's not insane to have such thoughts, but he knows that only his experience won't prove anything to her. Therefore, instead of exposing his feelings, he states: "It's impossible to be an immortal and not think of that. You're not alone."

This makes the witch go into a trance, remembering all the times she tried to end herself. Silent tears run down her face as she realizes that she's had these sick thoughts for ages and that in no time they seem to go away. Of course, she also has good memories, but they are useless when sorrow gnaws at her, especially when it's related to her father. Elijah Mikaelson was the most special person in Katherine Morris' life; he gave her a home, a family, made her feel loved and comfortable with her own powers. His death made Katherine lose any sanity that kept her on her feet. No matter how many times the shadow singer tries to forget, she will always remember that the first magical balance she broke was while practicing necromancy in hopes of bringing her dad back. She almost died during the countless experiments, and actually succeeded in resurrecting some people, but never her father, nor her uncle Klaus or her aunt Hayley. Since they died, their bodies were nothing more than ashes running through the wind. If only these ashes were kept on an urn, maybe she could make another successful necromancy.

But they aren't, so these Mikaelsons will continue dead and the witch will have to deal with grief for eternity. However, there is still a place where she can reunite with them: afterlife. It didn't take long since Katherine started her attempts to end herself.

The woman looks at her forearms, at the permanent thin white lines she made in order to stop the grief and intrusive thoughts. "You sure?" Her voice trembles and her heart clenches by remembering such a dark period of her life.

"I am." The General reassures her with a soothing tone, wanting to calm her and prevent another breakdown.

Taking her silence as a cue, Kirigan moves his fingers and summons a tiny shadow. The small piece of darkness floats around his hand before he guides it towards Katherine.

The air in her lungs is gone as soon as she feels something putting a strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes look at her side to discover what has done this, but has no success, since the shadow is long gone. However, she faces the Grisha in front of her just in time to see him summoning another piece of darkness. He doesn't break eye contact as he releases the shadow to repeat the action with another dark brown lock of hers. The corner of his lips are twisted in an almost imperceptible smile. Almost.

"You're not alone, Katherine, and even if you were once, I won't let that happen again."

"You aren't able to do that."

"I am. But for that to happen, you have to let me in." Kirigan notices the darkness in the woods slowly coming back to normal, letting him see the place clearer. This is a sign that his plan is working. Calming Katherine down to then approach and hold her was indeed the right path to follow. "Let me know you and I'll let you know me. That way you will never be alone anymore."

The woman gives him a small smile when his shadow slightly touches her face, the tension on her shoulders instantly vanishing. It felt so good and relieving that she wants him to feel the same. Katherine then conjures a small piece of darkness and releases it towards him, making it circle his face.

The Darkling chuckles a little, enchanted by seeing his equal using her powers, and his heart skips a beat when she says: "You're not alone either, Kirigan."

The General wants nothing but to be close to her and hold her in his arms right now, however, he knows that the witch will easily be shocked if he does that without warning. So he slowly approaches her, analyzing her confused expression till he carefully sits by her side on the freezing snow. Kirigan makes sure that Katherine can predict every movement of his so that, if she gets upset, she can stop him. But she doesn't move, not even an inch away from him. The woman just observes as he unbutton his black cloak and cautiously places it on her shoulders, the heavy clothing instantly warming her cold body. Yet it's not only her body that is warmed with Kirigan's gesture, since her heart almost melts to see such tenderness coming from the most feared man in the country.

Then, without looking away from the witch's beautiful light green eyes, he whispers: "I don't want to end the Fold."

Katherine swears that she literally felt the air leaving her lungs. "W-What?"

He raises a hand at her, a silent request for her to listen to him without making any interruptions. She looks at him expectantly, ready to hear everything with as much attention as possible. So he tells her all: how he spent his whole life hiding with his mother, moving from village to village without even having a chance to interact properly with those his own age. The General lets out a rueful laugh as he briefly reveals his childhood fear of forgetting his real name, as each season both he and Baghra had a new identity.

'It's my own name I'm afraid of forgetting', he used to say to Baghra, and she would always tap his chest and draw the letter A on it. A of Aleksander.

'Your true name is written here', she would suddenly speak softly. 'Tattooed on your heart. You don't let just anyone read it.'

And he believed her in that till nowadays. Even not needing to hide his true nature anymore, he still conceals his birth name from the world. It's his most well kept secret; no one but he and his mother knows the truth. However, he is willing to extend this secret to one more person just for the incessant desire to hear Katherine say 'Aleksander'. Just the thought of hearing her calm voice calling to him makes his whole body shiver with lust.

Kirigan also tells the witch of his attempts to peacefully end prejudice against Grishas, that the formation of the Second Army was just that. With a heavy heart, the General also mentions Luda, a lover from centuries ago who he planned to run away with, but unfortunately was murdered before his eyes by royal soldiers.

Finally, The Darkling reveals that the famous story of the Black Heretic is partially true. He indeed tried to create his own army using merzost, but the motive wasn't out of thirst for power, but for revenge; resentment towards the injustice against Grishas and the desire to make a safe place for his people was all that crossed his mind at the moment. He always had that dream. Luda's death was just the push that made him fulfill it once and for all.

"The Fold protects my people from persecution and from the war." Kirigan lets out a tired sigh. "If I destroy it, I will doom them."

There's a moment of silence between Katherine and him, the quick and meaningless thoughts hammering the witch's head, who tries to put together all the pieces of the puzzle. After failing miserably, she has the courage to say her doubts out loud. "So what do you want to do? Why do you need to amplify Alina's power?"

The General's dark brown eyes meet her light green ones. "You're clever enough to find out, Katherine." She frowns, confused. "Why would I need to use merzost on the Fold?"

You ruined my plan! He yelled at her in rage. My plan would strengthen Ravka!

You really think I would give all the power to her? Kirigan let out a mocking laugh after she said that Alina would wield all magical power if she had three amplifiers.

Alina is too young to have the mind to betray her kind. He brushed Katherine's argument off as if he was sure that the Sun Summoner would never be able to challenge him, as if she wouldn't have the courage nor the strength.

I don't want to end the Fold.

A shiver runs down the shadow singer's spine as she realizes The Darkling's true purpose. Her gaze towards him transforms into shock. She opens her mouth, only to close it later due to shock. After a minute, she finds herself able to shake her head, almost pleading that her hypothesis isn't real. "No."

He only nods to her in response, glad that her wise mind discovered his intention without him needing to speak it out loud. "Yes."

"You want to expand it."

"It will protect my people even more."

"But you'll be hated by the mortals. You'll create another hunt. Grishas will be persecuted again, Kirigan, and so will be my people."

"I will have the power to stop them. No one, not even the tsar and the First Army, will dare to confront us."

"And what will happen to the Grishas that oppose you, who will prefer the Ravka of now instead of your idealization?"

"That won't happen."

"It's stupid of you to not even consider that not everyone thinks the same." Katherine grabs him by his black shirt lapels, wanting to shake him in order to bring sense to his body. "The majority of your army is young! They haven't lived the terror that Ravka once was. They hate the Black Heretic and live in the utopia of a better world without the Fold! If they see you attempting to expand it, Kirigan, they will witness a magical imbalance! They will fear you and your reign, and soon, start a revolution."

"I will be powerful enough to stop them."

"Power is good, but you must know when to stop wielding it, because it will destroy you if you have more than you're able to control."

He shakes his head in disbelief, his mind scolding himself for never seeing the possibility of his plan failing. "No, you are wrong."

"No, you are wrong!" She tightens the grip on his lapels, forcing him to look at her eyes more deeply. "You will destroy everything with that plan of yours. You want power? Take it in the most discreet way!"

"There's no discreet way, Katherine!" The Darkling abruptly separates them, standing up and running a hand through his dark hair. Saints, he's becoming frustrated! "Your people are free; they don't obey anyone because they hide themselves from the otkazat'sya. But mine will only be safe once that fucking tsar is gone!"

"Then do a bloody coup!" The witch shouts while standing up to face the General properly. "If you want the Lantsovs gone, make powerful alliances and discreetly turn people against them. The Second Army is already not fond of them. The Grishas just need a little more to finally hate them fiercely." She slowly approaches him without breaking eye contact. "You are stronger than the king's army; can easily take them down. So why not invest in this coup, which will unite and strengthen your Grishas, instead of expanding the Fold, which will destroy all conquests you've already achieved for your people?"

The woods now are almost without light, exasperated shadows of both Kirigan and Katherine darkening the place. However, the latter slowly fades away as the witch takes deep breaths to calm herself down. The silence between the two equals is tense, but the woman's sharp voice cut it like a blade.

"Find me when you give up that insane plan of yours and your brain finally comes back to your head."

The Darkling's dark brown eyes follow her as she walks towards a tree's shadow and, without looking back, enters it. After a moment, he goes to the same tree and tries to feel her in the darkness, but she's gone. Katherine has literally teleported herself through shadows.

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3 days later — Os Alta, Ravka

He can't sleep.

Tonight's the third night since his argument with Katherine, and also the third night in a row when he finds himself pacing around his room instead of sleeping. He is exhausted, mentally and physically; the witch has made a place in his head without permission. All he can think about are subjects that include her. Is she alright? What happened to her when she was taken away from him that day? Will she ever come back? Is her plan really better than his? Is expanding the Fold indeed worth it?

Finishing his glass of kvas in an only sip, Kirigan suddenly gives up to fight his needs. He abruptly picks a paper and a feather on his messy desk — full of research about magical imbalances and historical revolutions — and writes the message that will make Katherine search him. It's short, yet meaningful. The witch will certainly understand it.

The General slams the feather on the desk and looks around his room, carefully analyzing each shadow inside of it. When there's no sign of any movement, he finally speaks: "I know you are here! Appear now and deliver this message to her!"

The shadow of one of the armchairs near the fireplace moves in answer. Soon, a certain dark creature shows up to him, its big sharpy smile widening by seeing the paper on The Darkling's hand.

"I need to speak to her." With heavy steps, he approaches the monstrous figure. "Make her come to me no matter what, Cheshire."

The paper is taken away from his grip by the shadow, which nods in response before disappearing again. Kirigan makes his way to pour another glass of kvas and comes back to his bed, which is full of books and papers. He spends this night in the same way he did on the other two: by searching for more information about The Handler and rereading countless times the contract he made with Katherine, both of their names now stained with their dried blood.

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seviinoxiel · 2 years

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Pokémon Scarlet and Violet Professors Character Analysis (Spoilers)

It's crazy how despite not meeting the original professors at all we can gleam so much about their personality and motivations through the consequences of their actions. I genuinely believe that they are not evil nor do they have bad intentions. They were, however, led to a path of obsession and self-destruction possibly from their ideals and their wills being challenged time and again, only to find the answer they seek in madness.

The professors were already researching into Area Zero and has been exploring the area for some time, driven by the fantastical reports they held dear from the Scarlet or the Violet Book. They are stationed in the Zero Lab at the very depths of the crater and recently just harnessed the power in Tera crystals. Financial backers became scared, at first, of the immense power the professor's Tera orb offered but it later found widespread use.

Things clearly took a turn for the worse, though, when Arven was born and the professor's respective partner just up and left them. We don't exactly know the reason why but I am led to believe that it is not because the professor was already obsessed with her work. If the partner left because of that, then they would have brought Arven with them. With the information we currently have, the most logical assumption to me, personally, is that they left because they do not think they can handle the responsibility of being a parent while also being a researcher.

I think this event was the first of many things that sent the professor into a spiral. They began devoting more of themselves into their research due to this, because if they can achieve their ideal paradise based on the book then there would be nothing else to worry about. She and Arven will be happy. Then came the discovery of a lifetime when they successfully managed to catch a paradox Cyclizar. She was so amazed that the time machine has finally worked that she spent a lot of her focus towards her research and less into Arven. Still, the professor, Arven, and the paradox Cyclizar managed to live at the lighthouse lab together for some time. Then the paradox Pokémon got discovered by passersby and the professor, now at their wits end and obsessed with creating a paradise as soon as possible—where they, Arven, and the Cyclizar, could all coexist and live in peace for as long as possible—returned to the Zero Lab.

It all began as a simple desire to be with their son in a so-called paradise, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. They became too absorbed in their cause, completely forgetting who that cause was for in the first place. Their own ideals got ahold of them as they were entranced by the marvel of the time machine. As desperate as they may be, that very same desperation only helped forge a will that stood the test of time and, eventually, even death.

I may have messed up a bit on this timeline of events, but I think my assumptions still hold solid. I also do believe the professor genuinely loved Arven, but that love became twisted by the mysteries of Area Zero. She became mad. And considering what we know so far of the creature that rests at the heart of the Great Crater of Paldea, the origin of the Tera crystals and the Terastal phenomenon, the blinding light which pierced through man's greed and curiosity over the ages—the professor found not treasure but only their reflection in the darkness manifest.

This quote by Nietzsche has been overused to hell and back but I do think it applies most appropriately to the professor:

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

#pokemon spoilers #pokemon scarlet and violet spoilers #pokemon scarlet and violet analysis #pokemon sv spoilers #pokemon scarlet and violet

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apilgrimpassingby · 1 year

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anti feminist women take what they like from feminism and leave what they don't like, the only reason why you and other women like you can and have the right to share your hateful opinions online is because of feminists from the past. if not them all you could do is clean your shitty toilet after your big baby husband took a big 💩 in there. if not feminists you could never share your opinions online 💖

Firstly, I'm a man. Even if I do have long hair (just past the shoulders). Secondly, I don't deny the good past feminism has done; God is to be praised for the likes of Josephine Butler and Emmeline Pankhurst. Thirdly, while I do think modern feminism is a severely misguided and in many cases actively harmful movement, I don't call myself an anti-feminist because (especially as a man) that conjures up images of an unkempt slob masturbating to despicable porn while posting rants about how "all broads are unfit for any political office" and "do not hesitate to discipline [your wives] when necessary" (thanks for the quote, @geoproxus4). I prefer non-feminist. Fourthly, I do not believe I have advocated violence or discrimination against women; tell me if I have. Fifthly, "if not them all you could do is clean your s***** toilet after your big baby husband". Aside from needless vulgarity, do you know how much work goes in to making and keeping a home? Cooking, cleaning, childcare - it is tremendously diverse and time-consuming and often skilled. Please respect stay-at-home women more.

What I finally want to address is the idea that women never did anything of importance before feminism. Tell that to Margaret of Anjou, leading armies at Ludford Bridge, Wakefield and Saint Albans. Tell that to Julian of Norwich, writing books about her mystical experiences, living in a convent away from her husband. Tell that to Hürrem Sultan and Catherine of Aragorn and Eleanor of Aquitaine and Abigail Adams and Deborah and Börte. Truly you believe, as @modestyandetiquette put it, "the feminist fairy tale of the past as completely dominated by men with the women entirely bereft of agency and at the mercy of the impulses of their men." Yes, women were barred from holding many offices, but those offices (especially monarchical and other aristocratic ones) were very frequently done from the home, where women were, and almost certainly weighing in their opinions. What really disempowered women was the industrial revolution drawing a hard line between work and the home, thus turning home life into a prison for women and devaluing work done at home. Another reason to support letting it burn from population decline and building a non-industrial society from the ashes.

(By the way, if you want to know why I reject modern feminism, here are my reasons. )

#answered asks #traditionalism #traditional wife #traditional family #economics

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alexsfictionaddiction · 1 year

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Review: Where The Light Goes by Sara Barnard

I’ve been reading Sara Barnard books for years and I really admire how she writes so honestly and brutally about the ‘tough’ subjects such as mental health issues, abuse and grief but also about friendship and the realities of navigating them as a teen. So, I was really excited to dive into her latest.

Emmy’s sister Beth was known to the world as Lizzie Beck, frontwoman of girlband The Jinks. But when Beth tragically kills herself, it feels like Emmy is the only one who is angry at the way the world is talking about Lizzie and what happened. To everyone else, she was another troubled, young child star but to Emmy, she was her big sister and her guiding light. How can Emmy possibly carry on in a world without Beth?

Parts of the book are in the form of news articles, text conversations and interviews and I really enjoyed how this affected the flow of the narrative. It felt like I was ingesting the story as it was unravelling and therefore, I was thoroughly pulled into the action.

Some of the little vignettes that talk about what grief feels like for Emmy were so moving. She can’t fathom how anyone can just continue with their lives when she feels that there is such a monumental void in her own and this sentiment is incredibly relatable to anyone who has lost someone incredibly close to them. Beth’s death is completely life-altering for Emmy and it was heartbreaking to explore.

Similarly, she is surprised that she still looks the same. Of course, there’s no actual reason she’d look any different but Emmy’s life is now divided into a Before and After and she feels like a completely different person now. We do also see how obsessed Emmy was with Beth and how much she envied her lifestyle, despite the reality of that lifestyle really not being very aspirational. She’s very much a typical little sister and Barnard did an amazing job of capturing that essence of Emmy’s character.

It seemed to me that Emmy’s identity was so wrapped up in who she was in relation to Beth that her grief launches an identity crisis. I have to say that I was often very frustrated with Emmy because her comments felt quite self-indulgent at times. I think this is quite realistic for people in mourning -they tend to go into themselves, shut the world out and wallow in their emotions. However, it was very draining to witness as a reader for 300+ pages and as a result, it took me a long time to read!

My biggest problem with the books was that I didn’t like Emmy for long periods of time and that made me feel awful. I felt like I should have been being empathetic and patient with her and at the beginning, I was but she made it really tough to sustain! Of course, there’s no expiration date on grief and I was always aware that that was her driving force behind her coldness, her lashing out and her ridiculous decisions. However, I simply couldn’t forgive her or get my head around how she treated her boyfriend Scottie. Scottie tries his absolute best to be a good boyfriend in this horrendous situation and Emmy even says this several times but I don’t think she realised how rare a 16-year-old male cinnamon roll actually is. I was literally screaming at her in anger at how disgusting her behaviour was towards him. I also hated that he didn’t ever get the resolve or the apology that he deserved. The above quote suggests that Emmy was actually quite bitchy about him before Beth died too, so that justified my visceral dislike of her.

I mentioned that Sara Barnard is great at writing realistic teen friendships and that’s definitely a feature in this book. I loved how Emmy’s best friends rallied round her when she needed them and left alone when she wanted them to. Again, she was pretty rude to them several times but somehow they managed to keep trying with her. Her friend Gray was the only one who was honest about how horrible she was being and Emmy certainly needed those words to shake her out of the thick fog of grief that she spent the vast majority of the book under. Her friends got her and it was a reminder to me how incredible friends that get you can be.

When the meaning of the title was revealed through a conversation between Emmy and her mum, I was really touched. The idea of Beth’s vibrant light and energy living on in those who loved her is really beautiful and true. We can keep our lost loved ones alive for as long as we remember them and talk about them, which is a wonderful message to end such a deeply sad book on.

Where The Light Goes is a heavy, difficult read, purely because we’re constantly in the head of a teenage girl going through the deepest grief possible. She doesn’t start to recover or get help until quite far into the book, so the first half is very harsh on the mental energy and you will probably put it down very regularly. However, it feels like a very authentic portrayal of that level of grief. I am lucky enough to not have too much experience with it but I can believe that Emmy’s behaviour is realistic in light of her pain. I can’t say that I loved it because I genuinely disliked Emmy in spite of what she was going through and any good feelings I had on opening it were quickly slurped up by the plot. If you love intense explorations of grief and plenty of drama, it’s probably for you.

#where the light goes #sara barnard #ya #contemporary fiction #book review #review #books #bookworm

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re-re-redline · 4 months

Text

-General Headcanons: Constantine XI-

>No spoilers for Traum.

Foreword: My first post! The lack of Constantine disturbed me immensely, thus I humbly bring to you this! It’s just assorted miscellania with not much of a clear direction. But regardless, I hope you enjoy.

This guy does not swear in normal conversation or says any words that’re unseemly or indecorous at all. Not even when he’s quoting someone. He’s an emperor after all, he’s got appearances to keep up in the name of his empire. Even if that empire’s long since disintegrated. The only exception to the rule is when shit hits the fan. It’s pretty rare considering his defensive and tactical genius, but hey. Things happen. If you call him out on this, he’ll flush a bit and apologize for his behavior. Though it really won’t change much, honestly. It’s just how he is.

He’s got a kind of aura about him that scares away the hoes normal people. It’s the kind of vibe you get when you encounter the important big shot you’ve only heard about through your coworkers. He enters the building and a person immediately books it from the lobby and starts popping into various rooms saying “He’s here! Everyone, act natural!” and everyone races to get their shit together. It’s that kind of aura that he gives off. The contrast between that and how he portrays himself is starker than blood on snow, dude. The funniest part is that he doesn’t even know that he has this aura in the first place, which means he’s constantly left wondering why everyone’s so stiff around him despite no one knowing who he is (in a normal HGW scenario). It’s hilarious. Poor guy just wants to be normal for once. In Chaldea it’s significantly less noticeable thanks to the amount of eccentrics, literal gods, and fellow emperors. So, in that scenario, you’d probably be just as clueless as him concerning its existence.

If you have a close relationship with Constantine, especially one that has potential to become a romantic relationship, then get ready for your Rider to be on you about your health. Both of his wives died within a year of their marriage because of a sudden illness and three of his siblings died from the plague when he was a kid. There’s no way that he doesn’t have some form of trauma regarding either of those events. The closer you are to his heart, the more paranoid he is about you getting sick. That said, here’s what you can expect:

I. He constantly checks the weather. If you give this man a phone, then he will check the weather for any changes on an hourly basis. He does this so he can be prepared to wardrobe check you if you’re planning on going out. If it’s cold, he’s already putting a jacket on your shoulders. If it’s hot, he’s making sure you’re not wearing too many layers and that you have water on hand. Constantine is a stubborn mule in the clothes of an emperor, so you are going to adjust your outfit according to the weather. No complaining!

II. On the topic of phones, you can bet he’s using it to look up stuff about modern medicine. He’s pretty amazed at how far the world’s come. So many debilitating ailments from his time are either completely extinct, curable, or at least manageable in some regard. But that doesn’t stop him from getting worried anyways. And so, he’ll still be taking stock of your medicine cabinet and asking you if you took your vitamins and such. Don’t even think about trying to dance around telling him or hoping he’ll forget. He doesn’t.

III. God help you if you actually get sick. He already gives you looks when you cough, and trust me, it only gets worse from there. Constantine will not leave you be for any reason. You think you can just walk this cold off? HA! That’s a good one. You are going to be bundled up in your comfiest blankets and you are gonna like it! He will actually go find or purchase a rope to tie you down with if you refuse to comply. He is that serious about it. Yes, he knows he’s being a little bit too over the top concerning your recovery, but it’ll all work out! And hey, if anything, you should take this experience as just another incentive to stay healthy! You have to think positive, my friend.

IV. Alright, but that’s just a cold. What about some real shit like the flu or one hell of a fever? Obviously, he’s taking care of your needs and giving you your meds. That’s a given. The more interesting part is how Constantine is dealing with this on his end. You see, it’s times like these that makes our emperor’s calm and collected veneer begin to crack. Your hazy headache riddled head might be blurring all of the details, but you can see his smile strain and his hands fidget with his sleeves as he watches over you at your bedside. He isn’t talking as much as he normally does, opting to just… sit there and stare. Had you a clearer mind, you’d notice that his gaze isn’t actually looking at you, but beyond your feeble form. To a time long before you, where the ambience of the ocean’s waves surrounds him and a fishy smell permeates the air. As you phase in and out of consciousness, you feel your hand being gingerly taken. He clasps it in his, struggling to not squeeze the life out of it and cause you more pain. He needs something, anything to hold on to because he feels like he’s slipping back into an all too familiar territory. Right now, he’s done what he needs to. You’ve taken your medicine, he put the cool wet rag on your head, and he made sure that you drank more than enough water. And thus comes the most dreadful part of the process…waiting. He hates that his efforts haven’t gotten you back to shape yet and the more time passes, the more those dreadful thoughts start sounding real. Constantine shakily takes a breath and does exactly what he did the last time he had to wait for someone he cared for to get better. He prays. Your head is swimming, your ears are plugged up and popping every time you swallow, but you can hear bits and pieces of words you can’t quite understand hastily whispered.

…Your hand feels wet.

V. And finally, some advice. If you are a master lucky enough to have Qin Shi Huang, then you might recall one of their Valentine’s Day gifts being the actual elixir of immortality. What ever you do… Do not let anyone know you have this. Especially not your trusted, kind hearted and reliable Rider. Constantine is paranoid about your health, we know this. He will do whatever is necessary to make sure that you live a very long time, or at the very least that you outlive him. So… if by some margin, some chance that you happen to say… have something that could eliminate the potential of you suddenly falling ill and dying… Well, he’d much rather beg for your forgiveness for the rest of eternity than watch you wither away and die before his eyes. He will find where you put it and he will get you to drink it somehow, whether you know it or not. After all is said and done, you’ll find that Constantine is much lighter on his feet than usual. Since it was the Qin Shi Huang (the one that actually achieved a form of immortality) who gifted the elixir to you, he’s confident that it’ll at least have some effect in keeping you safe. Though, being the realist he is at heart, he still has his doubts. The paranoia has lessened considerably, but hasn’t gone away entirely. Constantine will still give you that look when you cough, he’ll still check the weather and check you before you leave just out of sheer habit. So on and so forth. All in all, it’s best that you don’t tell anyone about the elixir. Otherwise you may find it mysteriously empty one day and that fatal wounds no longer matter. But hey! At least you have Constantine by your side for the indefinite future! I just realized that that last statement makes him sound like a yandere and, while you’re not wrong for thinking that, I feel like Constantine as I view him is just overprotective. Nothing more. A Yandere!Constantine would not have just stopped there, he would’ve gone MUCH further.

Constantine doesn’t listen to music all that much. In fact, he much prefers sitting in silence more than anything. His whole life was mostly a massive cacophony of noise, so he greatly appreciated the few quiet moments he could get. The stuff he does listen to in his off-time either doesn’t have much going on or is closer to ambience more than anything. He’ll vibe with a piano recital and maybe a small ensemble, but you won’t catch him at the orchestra hall. Choirs are also a solid pick too, a nice bit of reminiscence for the times he visited the Hagia Sophia back in his day. The antithesis to his music taste are songs like “Action Winter Journey” by Nero’s Day At Disneyland, “Untouchable” by Golemm, and most certainly “anybody can find love (except you)” by hkmori. Seriously, he hates that stuff. There’s way too much going on, it’s incoherent, and most importantly it’s just way too loud for his liking. You might be able to sell him on specific songs with those vibes, but I bid you good luck on that front. Really, you’re better off with songs like Lilium (Elfen Lied), Majula (Dark Souls 2), Reflets dans ‘leau (Debussy) and 0354 (Koronba). Those are good examples of what he enjoys, so it’s best to hang around in that ballpark.

P.S. He’ll stomach a live concert provided you have met the following requirements: 1. You and him are really close bond wise, 2. You have next to nobody who can go with you; if you do have someone then you better have a damn good reason as to why they can’t go instead, and 3. you both leave the moment it feels like it’s getting too much for him; no questions and no persuasion as to the contrary. Constantine will be hating every single second he’s there and he’s not hiding it that well, but he will hold out for as long as he can for your sake. Seeing you smile and enjoy yourself is a balm to his soul, and he supposes he kinda owes you some for all the times he’s tortured you in chess and checkers. So...y’know. What’s some loud music and even louder people on all sides anyways? Constantine’s experienced worse both in and out of his lifetime, so surely a few hours of auditory pain is nothing to Byzantium’s last emperor, right? …Right?

Constantine allows you to call him Micheal. He knows his name is kinda long and doesn’t really roll off the tongue that well either (in his mind anyways). Calling him anything along the lines of ‘emperor’ or ‘your majesty’ just makes him feel too stiff, so that’s not really an option in his books. As for how he got the idea for the nickname, he heard from a few servants that you and him had apparently met before, and thus he looked into the CBC records. And boom. That’s where he got Micheal from. Do keep in mind that he’s only letting you, his master, call him by that name. Everyone else has to either call him by his name or his title, no more and no less. His empire may be gone and the guilt from that weighing heavily on his back, but his imperial pride is still there. Practically ingrained into him since birth and that’ll never change.

As we know from his My Room lines, he likes playing chess and shogi but dislikes Mahjong due to how much luck is involved. Therefore, I think I can say with confidence that he enjoys strategy games in general. I also say with the same amount of confidence that he’s quite good if not exceptional at games that involve military strategy. Think Diplomacy. Speaking of which, a game between him, Vlad, Chen Gong, and Nobu is never not entertaining. Seriously. It’s a treat to watch when all four get together and the crowd standing around the table cements that fact perfectly. On another note, he brightens up like a Christmas tree when you walk up to him asking to play a game and he’ll brighten up even more if you ask him to teach you. There’s something just so wholesome to him about showing you the ropes on a game he enjoys, watching you ask questions and slowly grow to become better and better. It really makes his day and it shows via the smile adorning his lips. It’s so gosh darn sweet that it’s giving you tummy ache from looking at him too long. Oh, and one more thing. Due to the fact that you have expressed an interest, no matter how minuscule, in strategy games… You are now going to have to deal with Constantine bringing in wacky shit like 4D chess to your room from time to time solely because he wants to spend more time with you, along with him playing chess or checkers with you quite a bit during your downtime. A keen eyed master will note that he seems to ask you to play with him more than anyone else. Huh…wonder why.

There are rare times when Constantine will call you George. Not as a joke or an endearment, but simply as an accident. He’s quick to pick up on his mistake and will swiftly apologize for it. The whole thing just happens so fast that you’re left wondering if he actually said that and his composure is certainly lending credence to the idea that it didn’t. But, should you question him on it…well, he’ll tell you that George was someone he knew. Oh, by the way. Did you see what happened in the simulator today? I saw that Van Gogh and Hokusai— Yep, Constantine will give you a dry barebones answer and then change the topic from this ‘George’ person to something about his day that he found interesting, anything to keep you from pressing him on the subject. Curious masters may look into Constantine’s life and discover that the ‘George’ he was referring to might be George Sphrantzes: his best friend and retainer. Maybe he misses his old pal and sees him in you sometimes, hence the mistake. Or maybe you just look like a George to him, who knows? Constantine won’t tell you if you ask and you can bet he doesn’t bring it up on his own. So really, it’s anyone’s guess. You just have to sit tight and hope that he’ll be comfortable enough to tell you.

And that’s that! I hope you enjoyed reading and let me know what you think. Poor Constantine’s got nothin’ from what I saw in the tags, so I hope to fill that void in myself. But until then…

—Redline, over and out!

#constantine xi #kōnstantînos xi #Kōstantînos xi x reader #Constantine xi x reader #constantine xi fgo #kōnstantînos xi fgo #Fgo x reader #fgo #fate grand order #fate series #fate go #fate/go #fgo headcanons #fgo headcanon #And before you ask yes the pictures are from Constantine’s ascensions and sprite sheet

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alexcabotgf · 3 years

Text

tag 9 people to learn more about their interests

TAGGED BY: @punishebe (thank u sm angel 🤍 🤍 🤍)

MUSIC

fave genre? rock of all kinds (classic/pop/indie/alt/punk etc)

fave artist? bands: fleetwood mac, the gits, counting crows, the 1975; solo artists: stevie nicks, joan jett, phoebe bridgers, halsey, lana del rey

fave song? you missed my heart by phoebe bridgers

song currently stuck in your head? male fantasy by billie eilish but also that our god is an awesome god gospel for whatever reason

5 fave lyrics? i have so many faves so these are gonna be the first ones i can think of off the top of my head

it hurts me to be angry / kills me to be kind — bob (cousin o) by the gits

you couldn’t have / stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody / who loves you more — moon song by phoebe bridgers

and she wonders is this real / or does she just want to be queen — the highwayman by stevie nicks

rulers make bad lovers / you better put your kingdom up for sale — gold dust woman by fleetwood mac

so you pull down the shades and you shut off the lights / because somehow we mixed up 'goodbye’ and ‘goodnight’ — possibility days by counting crows

BOOKS

fav book genre? mystery/thrillers but boy have they been disappointing me lately

fav writer? not to sound uneducated but i don’t think i have one. i haven’t read enough books from one singular author to consider them my favorite, the closest one would be gillian flynn since i’ve read and liked all of her books but idk

fav book? once again i don’t think i have an all time favorite standalone book, but the two favorites of 2020 for me were sleepers by lorenzo carcaterra and white oleander by janet fitch

fav book series? the millennium trilogy by stieg larsson

comfort book? probably something i used to read as a kid like the sisterhood of the traveling pants series

perfect book to read on a rainy day? either a hard hitting contemporary or a thriller

fave characters? i don’t have many favorite book characters but an all time fave would be miss lisbeth from millennium trilogy

5 quotes from your fave books that you know by heart? here are some that have stuck with me (even tho i haven’t read some of the books they’re from,,,,anyway)

for you, a thousand times over — the kite runner by khaled hosseini (leech rally haven’t even read this book but i think about this quote at least once a week)

for the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. they may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change // what woman here is so enamoured of her own oppression that she cannot see her heel print upon another woman’s face? — the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house by audre lorde

always learn poems by heart. they have to become the marrow in your bones. like fluoride in the water, they’ll make your soul impervious to the world’s soft decay — white oleander by janet fitch

i’ll take care of you / it’s rotten work / not to me. not if it’s you — anne carson’s an oresteia ofc! a classic!! that i haven’t yet read lmao

a painful truth, and yet we must endure // he’ll have my hatred anywhere he goes — oedipus at colonus and oedipus rex respectively, transl. by david mulroy

TV AND MOVIES

fave tv/movie genre? drama, horror, thriller

fave movie? a few years ago i would’ve said girl interrupted but i’m not sure if it'd hold up at this point so i’ll have to go with my all time favorite franchise which is scream <3

comfort movie? anything that i have fond memories of watching (e.g american honey, empire records) or anything i used to watch as a kid (e.g lotr)

fave tv show? prison break. those bald men running around just make me feel a certain type of way

most rewatched tv show? probably house md but desperate housewives is a close second

5 fave characters?

gale weathers — scream

michael scofield — prison break

lisbeth salander — millennium trilogy i know i’ve already used her for fave book character but noomi rapace’s portrayal is chef’s kiss

tauriel — the hobbit

and of course i have to include my wife, the loml alex cabot — svu

tv shows or movies | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binging (i usually binge older shows but prefer when only 1 episode is released per week) | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once

TAGGING: @joanna-lannister @xavierdalon @retrodame @henry-cavill @hannahhunti @moonlight @sonosions @anyataylorjoy @simmonsjemma @anistonjen + everyone else who’s interested in doing this!

#tag games #punishebe #ro tysm for tagging me this was FUNNN #the only reason it took me this long to complete is because of book quotes #listen i might not be able to tell you what my five favorite book quotes are but i can easily tell you fifty fic quotes that made me want t #i have a separate folder for that with like 200 screenshots godbless #*made me want to lie down

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tojisun · 3 years

Note

I saw that the requests are open :) how about toji who can't move on from his wife dying and then he gets a relationship with the reader (like a year or two) but like i said Toji can't move on so he sometimes cries in his sleep begging for his wife and he still wears his wedding ring, then the reader left and toji regrets it (change everything you want, it is an angst to fluff 'cause for the life of me I can't handle sad endings :)) thank youuu

HI! okay so i finally finished this request, im sorry it took so long. and now im sorry it turned out super long. i enjoyed writing this piece, thank you so much! i tweaked your request a bit so that it feels more comfortable writing it, i hope u like this <3

working title: between the pages

toji x fem reader

content warning: mamaguro had to be named and she is going by kaori in this fic, there is an oc who would appear quite often, book references, au - no curses, legal age gap, character death references. // word count: 7.1k

There is a saying stored somewhere in Kaori's books (those that Toji never really bothered to read until now) about misery.

He doesn’t quite recall how it goes so he spends his free time, and he has a lot of those these days, browsing the worn pages of each book that amass dust in her shelves to see if he could find it. Toji doesn’t know what it is that drives him to search for a measly quote or why he even wishes to know what it says. He wonders if this is all an empty motion—an attempt to drown out the pain and to forget about her absence. A routine that dulls the sorrow and mutes his senses.

Some days, he forgets that she is gone.

Most days, it is all that he could think about.

Then, Saturday morning, a minute before four a.m., Toji finds what he had been looking for.

“I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.”

What a cruel thing to read.

───────────────

After Kaori’s funeral, the Fushiguros took most of her possessions with them, leaving only a select few that Toji had fought for.

They never really did like him for her, after all. Only Kaori’s mother, now an old weeping woman who is rendered ill after her daughter’s death, had been warm to Toji. Maybe because he was Kaori’s husband and she was her only daughter, the youngest of her eight children, which made her love Toji despite the sourness from her husband and her seven boys. Or maybe because she had seen the lovelessness that Toji had grown up in and wanted to be a mother for him too. Whatever the reason may have been, it had long sizzled out because Toji knows he’s failed her.

So when she sat him down, quiet and aching and mourning in a way Toji had never seen before, especially not from his own blood, Toji knew what she would ask from him. And he knew what was the right thing to say.

“Son, we’d like to bring the boy home with us.” Her voice was broken, exhausted, small and weak. She rubbed her aged hands together, refusing to meet Toji’s eyes. She smelt of anguish and guilt. Just like me, Toji thought.

“We’d love to raise him as our own. And I think that, well—Toji-kun, I think it’s what she would’ve wanted for him too.”

Toji’s breath hitched and his eyes began watering almost immediately. It was playing dirty; to bring Kaori’s name and her wishes as if a weapon that was forged against him.

But even if she was wrong and that Kaori would have never liked this, Toji knew that the boy would truly fare better with them, instead.

What could Toji give him other than heartache and his own shortcomings? How could he love their son when he could barely love himself? What—

What is there to live for without her?

“Okay,” he said. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Okay,” she repeated. “Did she get to name him?”

No, Kaori had not. She died too quickly, too soon, leaving Toji when their family was just completed. She had only glanced at the boy, tickling his thin hair and pressing a light kiss on his chubby cheek, and then she was gone.

No. Kaori was not given the privilege to.

So instead, Toji thought of the time in their living room, his wife sat by the open balcony doors to feel the brush of the wind as she rubbed her belly, humming a song to fill in the silence. Toji remembered how she had looked at him upon his entrance, beckoning him close to gently take his hands, shaky as they were, and press them flat onto her belly. Toji remembered the little kick that he felt through her skin, just a little nudge, and her giggles at Toji’s wide eyes.

“Our blessing,” she told him before smiling so full and bright and filled with so much life.

And Toji knew that was enough. For him, for her, and for their little baby. It was enough for a sentimental name, one that would allow Kaori’s memory to live on.

“Megumi. Kaori wanted to name him Megumi.”

His mother-in-law was quiet after that, and Toji wondered if she realized that she was taking the last of Kaori’s remnants from Toji’s life. Then, he wondered if that was truly the right call.

───────────────

Toji reads Kaori’s books religiously, chasing after the ghost she left in between the worn pages of her favourite books. He gets to know her again, relearning who she is through poems and prose, and putting together these new pieces—these glimpses of Kaori’s soul that she had left—in hopes of having more of her.

It is madness, some might say, but Toji thinks it is just his grieving.

The months crawl by, but they do move. There is a quote somewhere in her books about these slow hours, and Toji pretends that he does not have it memorized in spades.

“That’s what the world is, after all: an endless battle of contrasting memories.”

The words come to Toji like the wind; plain and unseeing, but irrevocably heart-wrenching. Is this what she wanted to happen when she left those books? To have Toji be haunted by words that should not have made sense, as if they are lifelines that he is desperately clutching onto because what else of her is left for him if not those?

“You left me,” he says, tracing her name chiselled amongst the others in the Fushiguro family grave. “You said,” his voice hitches, “you said that we’d raise Megu—the boy together. Then you went back on your word and left us both.”

The wind blows and the leaves rustle, and Toji has never felt more alone in this world.

“How do I live without you?”

There is no reply. There hasn’t been one for a year now.

Toji waits, straining his ears because maybe some superstitions are right. Maybe the wind does carry her voice and maybe then she will finally answer him. Maybe there is something to be heard in the cemetery. Maybe her ghost is beside him, after all.

But there is nothing. Toji stands up and leaves.

───────────────

He finds their picture tucked in one of her older books. The pages of this one are frayed and bent, as though it had been drenched in water and despite the careful fixing, it never really did get restored. But he knows this book: it’s the one she’s always held close to her being. A favourite, perhaps, or a carrier of sentimental values, those that date even before meeting Toji.

He never really got around to reading it then—the wound was too fresh, too deep—afraid that if he were to finish the book, then it was like the last piece of Kaori was truly gone.

But tired from work and jittery from pain, Toji flips the book open. Then, that is where he sees it. An old photo of them together, taken from one of those cheap photo booths that she had forced him into.

In the picture, Kaori had her head resting on Toji’s shoulder who encircled his arms around her, tucking her underneath his chin. Toji remembers pressing her impossibly closer, snuggling her on his chest because Toji wanted a reminder. Wanted proof that he is loved and spoken for.

He gingerly plucks it from in between the pages, stroking a finger at Kaori’s smiling face.

(He willed himself not to read what was on the page, but his eyes were faster than his mind. “I want you to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like—.”

Toji tears his eyes away, focusing on Koari’s picture instead.)

Toji never really forgot her face, gods he doesn’t know if he ever will, but it’s been too long since Toji had seen her look so alive. He studies her face, trailing his eyes at her smile and at the crinkles at her eyes and at the shimmer of her lips and at the rose of her cheeks, and sears it all to his memory.

A choked sob makes its way from his throat.

He flips the picture, remembering Kaori scribbling something at the back and—yeah, there it is.

In careful hiragana, Kaori wrote, “My love and I.”

“Fuck,” Toji whispers and the tears come easily, painful sobs wrenching themselves from his throat as he drowns at the sorrow once again.

───────────────

It’s been three years (six months and nineteen days) since Kaori’s death, and Toji still thinks there is not much left to live for himself.

Stumbling to survive, he has long given up on trying to find a semblance of joy, a sliver of hope, in this lonely world.

Kaori’s mother stopped giving him updates about Megumi (sometimes, saying his name hurts Toji in ways he cannot explain; it’s like being reminded of what was taken from him, what is irrevocably gone), and Toji tries to pretend that he understands why. Granted the boy was not told of his existence, but Toji thinks he still deserves to know even a glimpse of his son’s life. Of Kaori’s son. But they have changed their numbers and cleansed themselves of Toji, leaving him to mourn on his own once again.

He flips a page.

“Is that Sputnik Sweetheart?”

Toji peers up from his lashes to look at you, seeing awe sparkling in your eyes as you sweep a look at the book in his possession. Selfishly, he wished that no one else had read Kaori’s books; that these are something only she and Toji knew, a secret they share, a language no one else can decipher.

He clears his throat. “Yeah. Read it?”

“Me? Nah,” you say, chuckling. “Could never really go through Murakami’s books, they’re too long and loaded.” He smiles at that, thinking, yeah, they are. He’s always wondered how Kaori ever finished them so quickly when Toji is lumbering page to page, rereading certain passages just to fully soak them in. “My ex loved them though, s’why I could recognize that,” you add.

He grunts. You tilt your head at the empty seat in front of him. “Can I?”

He casts a quick glance at the cafe, brows furrowing at seeing how packed it had gotten, before turning to you and nods.

“Sweet,” you say, collapsing at the chair and sagging in comfort.

Toji takes that time to study you. You are years younger than him, that’s the first thing he notices. Maybe ten or so years younger? You look like it. You’re short too. Well, shorter than him. You look tired; haggard in a way that he only remembers seeing from Kaori, back when she was still in college and cursing her professors. Then there’s this aching in your eyes that Toji doesn’t want to acknowledge, doesn’t want to see lest he is reminded of himself. It was this type of longing trapped in your eyes that never seemed to have healed, just dampened. It was there when you were talking about your ex, a heavy feeling that you pushed away quickly. But Toji has familiarized himself with the flickering sorrow.

He knows. You’ve lost someone too, huh?

“So how far along are you in that book?” You ask, shrugging your winter jacket off and hanging it on your chair.

“Finished it.” Toji picks up his coffee and sips to avoid saying more, but you smile at him, undeterred, and go back to fixing yourself up, unwrapping your scarf to let it hang loosely around your shoulders instead.

“Must be a good book if you’re rereading it,” you say, chuckling lightly. He gives another grunt before turning back to his book, and he sees you shrug from his peripheral, not taking offence at his dismissal.

Not that he cares, but there is nowhere else Toji can go to right now. Snow began pattering outside the cafe, and despite that the streets are still busy and full of people, and home is—there hasn’t been a place like home for him anymore. So he is grateful for your polite conversation, but he is more thankful for your silence. It seems like you two need solace, after all.

He returns to his book and you start fumbling about in your laptop before pulling out textbooks and notebooks and cleanly piling them on your side of the table. Your coffee (iced caramel latte, too sweet and kind of impractical for the cool weather) has begun perspiring as you lose yourself in your work, forgetting about your drink, and Toji pretends that he is not watching you from the corners of his eyes. He pretends that seeing you work does not feel like coming close to normalcy again.

There is an hour left before the shop closes, but Toji packs up to return to his apartment. You look up at his clamour before returning to your notes, notebooks sprawled open as if it was not enough that you have your laptop with you. He walks to the trash and dumps his empty coffee cup before sliding to the door. He pauses. Then he walks back to you again.

You look up once more upon hearing his steps, confusion clouding your gaze as you tilt your head in wonder. He speaks before you could. “Good luck with your work,” he says. He hovers, waiting.

“Oh,” you utter, confused. “Thank you?” You phrase your reply like a question and Toji’s lips quirk in amusement. He nods, a silent goodbye, then he walks out, this time for real.

Before rounding the corner, he turns to cast a quick glance at the shop again and feels a quiet type of elation when he sees you looking back at him. He raises a hand—another goodbye; he wonders what prompted it—before turning at the corner and disappearing completely from your view. He wonders if you mirrored his silent farewell.

He thinks you did.

───────────────

He returns to the cafe two weeks later.

It is late and the wind is a lot more biting, stinging his ears and nose. Toji’s face scrunches when he finally makes it to the shop, breathing in the familiar smell of coffee beans and too-sweet pastries. It’s quite packed again, everyone milling about to avoid the winter winds.

Then, he sees you.

Much like before, you are sitting at the same table, on the same chair. Your books are open again, this time you are scribbling in your notebook instead of typing away in your laptop. Your coffee cup—you’re still drinking iced coffee, it seems—is empty, leaving a mix of melting ice and cream-coloured leftover brew.

He turns to the cashier and orders two coffees, one hot and one iced, for him and for you. Toji tries not to think about the impulsive decision he made, choosing instead to bask in the warmth of the shop as he waits for the barista to finish up with his order. He does not notice it, but his eyes stray and linger on you, watching the way your hair curls behind your scarf and the way your back slouches deeper every time you write.

He huffs a humoured laugh when you thump your head on the table, hand fisted around your pen looking as if you have given up. Just like Kaori before, he thinks.

He pauses, dread filling up his heart. No. No.

When his name is called, Toji grabs his order and briskly walks out the door. Only when he is close to the train station does he realize that he is still holding onto the iced coffee. Toji throws it in the nearby trash can and scurries off into the platform.

───────────────

He visits Kaori’s grave.

It feels wrong, somewhat. It feels like he came to her because he is guilty. Guilty of thinking of another woman, guilty of comparing her to someone else. He places the flowers on the stone, but it just feels like an apology. Like an excuse. He tries forming words in his mouth, but they all burn at his throat and leave him empty.

Toji doesn’t quite know what to call the feeling—lies, Toji hears himself rebut, you know what it is—he just wants to unlatch it from his being and discard it away. He would rather feel hollow than feel this.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, but he cannot find it in himself to say what he is sorry for.

He watches as the snow piles up on the stone, dropping onto the flowers that he brought and clumping together with no abandon. There is a certain silence in the cemetery, but Toji welcomes it, anyway. It allows his veins to simmer and it lays the paths for Toji’s mind to wander.

He finds that he often loses himself in this place, almost like a plea for Kaori to come and take him with her.

Toji hears the crunching of snow as tiny shuffles make their way close to Kaori’s grave, and he waits for them to move away and skirt around him but they don’t. Instead, the padding of boots stops a few feet away from Toji, almost hesitating in the way they hover at his right. Curious, he looks up and sees you.

“Oh,” he hears you say, blinking at him, your soft voice tinged with surprise. “It’s you!”

He chuckles before he can stop himself. “Yeah. It’s me.”

There is a pause as you figure out if you were to stay or walk away, unsure if it is overstepping if you inquired any more of his time there or if it is rude to just continue on your way. Toji sees these thoughts dance across your face, his scarred lips tugging up in amusement (endearment), so he makes the choice for you.

“Visiting someone?” Toji asks and urges you to come closer. You take gentle steps, careful and quiet as you move to stand beside him.

He sees you eye the Fushiguro’s grave, reading all the different names carved on the stones. Toji wonders if you’ve seen Kaori’s name and just knew that the other half of his soul, the better half, is now dust.

“Yeah,” you finally say. He blinks when you utter a name he doesn’t recognize.

“What?”

“That’s, uh, that’s my name? We never really got to introduce ourselves last time,” you reply, scratching your cheek, embarrassed.

Toji grunts in understanding. “Fushiguro Toji.”

You turn to the grave in question. Toji shakes his head. “I’m visiting my wife.” You make a low noise at the base of your throat, nodding your head slowly.

He clears his throat. “How about you?”

Then there is this wobbly smile on your face and Toji thinks, I know how it feels.

───────────────

There was a man sitting at your usual table, grumpy as he flipped a page from a book that you are too familiar with.

(Flashes of Teruma’s bright orange hair danced across your irises, and for a moment it was like he was there with you again.

“Baby!” He would call you as he always had, and you would be weak on your knees because he’s alive, alive, alive.)

There’s a scar at the corner of the man’s mouth, long enough that it spanned both of his lips, and he oddly looked good with it, you thought. Then you remembered that it is rude to stare at people and so you forced your eyes to meet his, and saw pools of green flaked with glitters of gold. He was reluctant to allow you to sit with him.

That’s fine, you just wanted to get through your Geography homework, anyway.

He didn’t speak much, choosing to read his book again. Likewise, you zoned into your work and focused in earnest. Time trickled and ran, but every flip of a page from the man’s book sent you reeling back in time.

(Cheeky smiles and rough palms.

“I’ll come back soon,” is whispered on your lips.

“Okay,” you kissed back.

But he never did.).

When the man wished you well with your work before ambling away, you could not help the way your lips stretched into a smile.

What a gentle giant he was.

. . . . . . . . . . .

A couple weeks later, you saw Gentle Giant again. You saw his mirage from your spot, and you watched as he walked away from the shop, his steps looking rushed and almost frantic. The two cups of coffee in his hands sloshed at his brisk movements, and you just wished that whatever he was speed-walking to was worth him spilling his drinks.

Belatedly, you wondered if the other cup was for someone else.

You stared at his quickly retreating back until he rounded the corner, and disappeared from your vantage completely. Then, you turned back to your godforsaken paper, cursing your professors and the educational system.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Gentle Giant’s name is Toji, and he lost his wife. He hasn’t told you much, but you still want to tell him about Teruma. So you do.

You tell him about the boy who you’ve loved for six years, two of which were spent loving his ghost. You tell him about the breakup, the mutual understanding shared between you two before he went to Detroit. You tell him about Teruma apologizing, about you saying it is okay. Then, shakily, you tell him about the plane crash, the one that was on the news two years ago. You tell him about the funeral held for the boy whose body they never recovered.

“I was gonna marry him,” you say. “I was so sure that I was gonna spend the rest of my life with him.”

Toji does not mention the tears on your cheeks or the way your breath hitches or the tremble of your hands. He does not offer apologies or any placation, and you know it is his kindness. Silent, like everything else about him.

───────────────

Toji tells you about Kaori. He thinks it is to make it fair, after all you told him about Teruma, but really, he just wants to let the pain out. He sees how light you have felt after, and Toji yearns to feel that free. There is an aching in his heart that has festered and aged, and Toji wants, even for a bit, to let go. So he does, and he starts by telling you about his wife.

Toji loses himself in the memories, closing his eyes as he relives his moments with Kaori. It’s been years but she is still bright in his mind, concrete and alive, almost as if Toji could just reach out and feel her warmth again. Anguish thrums in his veins as he tells you about their son, but he bulldozes through because he wants the good memories. There is no more of Megumi that Toji could call his own, so Toji traces Kaori’s books, instead, and tells you their significance.

This is when Toji feels you come alive, springing like a bud and uncurling outward to meet him in his ramblings. You pipe in about Murakami’s books, excited and nostalgic at the same time. He tells you about Kaori’s frustrations—“Too much open-ending, apparently.”—and you tell him about Teruma’s—“He calls them poetry.”—and Toji feels like he’s found a kindred in your aching soul.

The ghosts surrounding you two must think you guys are fools; to be licking each other’s wounds as you recount your lives with your beloved. But so be it, Toji thinks, because he’s finally found a semblance of peace in his life.

He thinks of Sputnik Sweetheart, how this all started, and he remembers: “It came to me then. That we were wonderful travelling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits.”

How fitting, isn’t it?

───────────────

It becomes a regularity for you and Toji to meet in the cafe, Murakami’s books in his hands and your textbooks (and notebooks and laptop) in yours.

The meetups start quietly, letting the tension bleed out and allowing comfort to seep through. Then the greetings come, these ones more genuine. You share something about your life, and Toji listens. He is more reserved, only saying things that have no follow up questions, but it seems you do not care about his plans because you always find a way to make him speak more.

Often, Toji finds his voice wearing down after those meet-ups with you, and he does not remember a time after Kaori when he’s spoken this much. He feels elated, alive, and living.

Sometimes, it’s still a struggle to go about life without Kaori.

Sometimes, he forgets it as long as he’s with you. And if that isn’t terrifying.

He learns who you are past the stress of university exams and incoherent cursing at whoever pissed you off at work. He unveils your person deeper, seeing what you’ve become after trying to heal around Teruma’s passing. Toji sees someone who he wants to be like.

You laughed when Toji uttered this to you. “I’m a mess, Toji-san!” You said, clutching your stomach as laughter pittered off from your throat. That’s another thing that Toji learns about you: you say his name like it is milk gliding at your tongue.

“I di’n say you ain’t,” he remembers answering. I just want to feel more than sorrow, he added as an afterthought. He wonders if you knew what he wanted to say back then.

It seems like you always do.

───────────────

Spring air turns a lot hotter, welcoming summer earlier than anyone has anticipated. The only good thing that came out of the upcoming humid season are the flowers that grow in bigger and cheaper bundles.

He grabs white chrysanthemums for Kaori, you brought Teruma orange gerberas.

There are more people in the cemetery these days, plucking out weeds and cleaning their family graves as they welcome the new season. Toji helps you clean Teruma’s and you both hover at Kaori’s, offering a short prayer.

“Who knows?” You begin as Toji walks you to the station. He lives on the other side of the city, but it is still too early and Toji doesn’t want to be alone again. Not yet. “Maybe Kaori-san and Teru are reading Murakami’s books wherever they are right now.”

Toji snorts. “You believe in the afterlife?” He pushes his hair back, noting that it’s grown longer again and that he needs to cut it soon.

You shrug, humming quietly, and looking away when Toji meets your eyes. “I’d like to think that there is a better place for the dead. That there’s a place where the people we love are happier. Because why else would they leave us, you know?”

Toji blinks, quiet and stunned. Then, he says, “Yeah. Yeah, I get it.”

And it sounds a lot better, kinder, than what Toji used to believe in. Because if there is an afterlife, then surely Kaori is at peace and she is happy and she is no longer hurting.

So maybe, with this in mind, maybe Toji can begin letting go. Because if Kaori is in a better place, then maybe Toji doesn’t need to be haunted anymore.

(Because if Kaori is happy then maybe he can be too—)

───────────────

A year and a half spent with you, chasing away each other’s loneliness and submerging yourselves in books that are left behind by your most precious ones, has passed when you tell him that you love him.

Toji turns to you in surprise, watching the blush on your cheeks as you stop walking, waiting for his answer. Your eyes are steady as they gaze back onto him, your face schooled into a mask. He notes the falling leaves around you two and the wind that blows from his back and the way your hair sweeps away from your face and how you tremble, having always been weak to the cold.

His first thought is, You look good even in autumn.

Then his next is, I know.

“Are you asking me out?” Toji finally asks, grimacing when his voice breaks at the end, and swallowing to dislodge the lump stuck in his throat.

You shrug, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear and Toji watches, mesmerized. “If you want,” you say. “I mean, if you want to be in a relationship with me, that’s great. If you don’t, that’s fine for me too, Toji-san, we can just remain as friends. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. Have been in love with you.” You coughed, blushing and looking away, shy all of a sudden.

There is strength in your voice that Toji cannot seem to shake.

(Later, when he looks back on this day, Toji will recognize that it is fortitude; it is courage that you have gathered in your arms and had lain in front of him, asking him to make a choice. Asking him to choose you.)

And he thinks that he’s known this day would come. He’s waited for this day to come. But Toji knows his faults, he has known them before any other could. For many nights that he was sleepless, Toji spent the time tracing the fractures in his being and knowing that there is something wrong with him. That there is something he cannot get through, something he cannot let go.

“I don’t think I can ever forget her,” he tells you, honest and broken.

“I didn’t expect you to,” you answer. “I don’t think we can love wholly again, but I still want to try with you.”

Oh, Toji thinks, you understand. You understand in ways no other had, in ways no one was willing to, and Toji thinks that maybe that is enough: that he’d feel safe in your arms and that he’d get to be happy again and that he wouldn’t be alone anymore. And he wants to. With you.

So he trudges close to where you stand, where you wait for him, and clasps his hand with yours and shyly says, “Please take care of me.”

And when you send him a smile, the one that has always been for him, Toji wills his heart to calm down.

───────────────

Nothing changes much between you two, except for the relearning of boundaries and stumbling into new ways of expressing the bubbles in your hearts, the ‘I love yous’ that are echoed. Sometime back then, Toji thought that he was doing something wrong—it was a relationship unlike Kaori’s, yes that he knew, but it was also different from all the others—until you eased his worries and told him, in an utterly fond voice, that your shared love parallels a friendship that is eons stronger.

“As long as you’re happy,” you said to him, holding onto his hands as you two lined up to pay for the bouquets, lilies for Kaori and freesias for Teruma.

“I am,” Toji replied before he leant down to press a soft kiss at the crown of your head. “And you?”

You craned your neck to look up at him, your smile wide and genuine, and whispered, “With you? Always.”

Toji’s heart swells at the memory.

Loving you, Toji thinks, is easy and light. It is built on trust and friendship and camaraderie, bearing a depth that no one seems to truly understand. A depth that people often passed off as being each other’s rebound, each other’s second choice. But neither you nor Toji think of your relationship this way.

Not when love brims from your lips, pouring your heart out with each kiss, each confession, all of which Toji reciprocates. Being with you is like finding light in the darkness, like feeling hope after the chaos, like being home once again. But it is also like a dandelion amidst the grass or a mug tucked at the very back of the cupboard; like slotting himself by your side feels natural and just right.

───────────────

There is a sound that tickles your senses, one that you try to bat away but it comes with vengeance. It starts off quiet, a whimper, and you try to drown it back, turning to sleep once again. But the sound grows louder, more desperate, more hurt, and there is nothing else for you to do but jolt awake, gasping as if you were submerged in water.

You think you dreamt of Teruma—orange hair, rough palm against your cheek, a static voice announcing a series of names, the feeling of dread, then, the dropping agony at hearing his—but the recollection fades as you turn to Toji, seeing him weeping at his sleep.

He is haunted—like me, you think, like me—and you crawl close to him, urgency steeping in your veins. “Toji-san?” You call. He whimpers but does not stir, and he turns his head away, his face scrunching in pain.

You caress his cheeks, hands gentle despite their tremors. “Toji-san,” you say, panic clouding your voice. “Come back to me, please.”

Please, Kaori-san, give him back to me.

Toji does not wake, curling on himself, instead, as tears continue to run down his cheeks. You do not let him go, voice washing over him even when he cannot hear you. You try shaking him and slapping at his shoulders, hoping the pain that his body feels is stronger than that of his heart. But you know. You know he is there, seeing Kaori leave again.

Toji continues to slip deeper into his dreams, lost and hurting. “You are okay,” you whisper, pressing kisses at his closed eyes, willing them to finally open. “You’ve been doing better, so come back here, Toji-san. To me. With me, like always.”

It takes a few more torturous minutes before he gasps awake and sits upright, his hand clutching where his heart rests. He wheezes, gulping air hungrily, before choking on a sob. He turns to you, calls your name in a quiet voice that breaks your heart, and you open your arms, not trusting your voice to comfort him. He collapses onto you, pressing his face on your shoulder as he wails, shaking, clutching you tighter as if afraid that you too will leave him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” you reply. “You’re okay.”

Toji shakes his head, but he does not say anything else and lets the silence go on as he holds you close. You don’t mind, choosing to run your fingers through his hair, and letting him come back down from his dreams.

“What if we’d never work out because I’m not—I still remember her. Sometimes, I still miss her,” he finally says, breaking the silence.

You flinch and Toji must have felt you tense because he pulls back from your arms, sliding until he is sitting in front of you. He ducks his head when he sees the tears pooling at the corner of your eyes. There is silence between you two, letting his words stew. You inhale sharply when his hand twines with yours, tugging, almost begging.

You sigh from your nose. “What do you want to do, Toji-san?”

“I’m sorry,” is what he says instead.

You shake your head. “Tell me. Let’s talk this through.”

He slumps forward, bowing down into himself. Your hand twitches, wanting to pull him in an embrace again, but you take his silence and allow him space.

“I love you,” he begins, voice steady and sure, and your heart flutters. I know, you want to say, but you see how he tests out the words on his tongue, hesitant and stiff, and so you wait. He squeezes your hand. Thank you.

“I'm terrified. Darling, I love you but why can’t I let go of the pain? It’s like, I allow myself to be happy but then I remember her and then I miss her all over again.” He sighs, almost a hiss, and he lets one of your hands go to push his hair back, agitated. “And I want you with me, god knows I don’t want to let you go. But am I worth it?”

You huff a humourless laugh. “Always.”

“Baby—”

“No,” you interrupt, “Toji-san, listen to me. You are always worth it, worth my love.” His breath hitches at your words and you smile as he pulls you close again, this time sitting you on his lap. You sweep his hair away from his face and plant a kiss on his forehead, and another, and another. Precious kisses for your most precious person. “So worth my everything,” you mutter.

Toji hugs you tighter and rests his head at the crook of your neck. His big hands envelop your back and you feel so small like this, as if Toji could just tuck you close in the pocket of his chest, in his heart. At the same time, Toji looks so vulnerable. Shaken. Afraid. Your Gentle Giant folded so close to you, almost as if begging you to tell him why he should stay—

Your mind screeches to a halt. Oh, Toji-san.

“I dreamt of Teru tonight,” you start, clearing your throat when your voice shatters. Toji doesn’t move, but you know he’s listening. He always does. “I dreamt about him a few nights ago too. There are days when I miss him too much that I forget he’s gone. Then there are days that it’s all I could remember. Four years of being with him doesn’t just go away, it seems. He is seared into my memories, after all.”

The more you spoke, the more Toji tenses, freezing as if he could see where you are going with this. By the end of it, his head hovers in front of you, eyes searching for something within yours. He lifts a hand to cup your cheek and you nuzzle his palm, resting your smaller hand on top of his.

You are almost breathless when you continue, as if desperate and frantic. “But it doesn’t mean I love you any less, Toji-san. I miss Teru, but I love you. And for me, that is enough.” You whimper when he brushes a stray tear away from your cheeks. “And I need to know if you feel the same, Toji-san.”

You barely got the last of your words out before Toji is pulling you in for a kiss, warm lips meeting yours in a heated tangle. He pulls and pulls, pressing you impossibly close, his touch scorching your skin as he devours your doubts away, and you know, there and then, that he loves you just as much.

When you pull back, gasping, Toji touches his forehead with yours. “I do,” he says, voice as broken as yours. He says your name, then “I love you so.”

He kisses you again, this time slower but not any less intimate. “‘M sorry for what I said,” he whispers. “‘M sorry, my love.”

You kiss his cheeks and his nose, skirting away from his lips, and quietly giggling as you press a kiss on his chin instead. “I’m okay,” you say. “We’re okay.”

He hums, low and soft. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you reply. You grin. “‘And this love is about to carry me off somewhere.’”

He chokes on a laugh, one that you note is fond, after recognizing the reference. “It’ll carry you to me, hopefully,” he says cheekily and kisses you once again. You laugh, carefree and happy, as if a load has finally been lifted off your chest.

───────────────

Teruma’s death anniversary is today.

Toji knew even before he opened his eyes, sensing the ache in the air even before he could look at you. Toji turns to your side of the bed, not surprised to see it empty. He fumbles for his phone, checks the time, and stands up to prepare for the day.

He quickly leaves the apartment and speedwalks all the way to the flower shop. A worker greets him the moment the wind chimes sound, smiling as Toji makes his way to the counter. The owner looks up from his flower arrangements and sends Toji a smaller smile upon seeing him. Toji buys carnations and baby’s breaths, and walks out the door after telling the man that yes, Toji would greet you for him.

He takes the train and doesn’t bother with all the stares that people give him, tracing, instead, the familiar route toward the cemetery. He quickens his steps, almost jogging with how fast he is moving, sincere in his desperation to be with you through this.

When Toji gets to you, you are muffling your cries behind your palms, shaking as if you are about to collapse. He rushes to your side, afraid that you will, and you startle, turning to him. Toji’s heart breaks at the grief painted on your face, and he pulls you in for an embrace before you could utter a sound.

The flowers in his hand jostle and some of the petals fall, but Toji doesn’t spare them a thought as he rests a hand on your head and wishes that this helps even for a bit.

“I’ve got you,” Toji says. “I’ve got you.”

───────────────

“I’m home! Anyways, look what I found!” You scream as soon as you arrive, and Toji blinks at your excitement.

“Welcome back,” Toji greets, smiling fondly as you jump beside him, plopping yourself so close to him. You pull your bag to your lap, fumbling about, before pulling a worn book.

“I found this in the thrift store,” you say, showing him the book excitedly, lips stretched into a wide grin. “I wasn’t gonna buy it, but look.”

You flip at the pages before thrusting the old book under Toji’s nose. He picks it up, confused as to why you were showing him a book you know he’s read already, but then he catches sight of it.

“Is this—”

“It is!”

“And it was just in the thrift store?” Toji asks, still not looking away from Murakami’s autograph.

You laugh, nodding your head frantically. “Yup,” you say, popping the ‘p’. “Thought you’d love it.”

Toji turns to you and grins. “Well, I love everything you give me.”

“Aww, Toji-san! You’re such a sap!”

He rolls his eyes goodheartedly. “And you’re such a brat.”

“Mhmm. But you still love me, anyway.”

Toji smiles and finally, finally, pulls you in for a kiss. Then, “That I do, baby.”

(book references, order based on appearance):

1Q84, 1Q84, Norwegian Wood, Sputnik Sweetheart, Sputnik Sweetheart — all are written by Haruki Murakami

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

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Why Aleks Took Alina’s Letters To M*l

I’ve ben thinking alot about this recently, it was brought on by a couple of things the main one being I just read ‘The Tailor’ which is another short book that LB wrote similar to Demon in the Woods, this one is deleted scenes from shadow and bone told from Genya's point of view but it does give us more information on what went on with the letters Alina had written to M*l. So disclaimer obviously there are spoilers for the tailor so if you haven’t read that book and don’t want to be spoilt stop reading now. I also want to put a trigger warning in here as I do discuss the topic of grooming.

I’ve talked a little before about why I think Aleks took the letters but as I’ve said I’ve just read the short story and its given me some more information on it. Before reading the short story I kept seeing various theories and interpretations on why Aleks might have stopped the letters, one of my own was that he was using them to gain information on Alina and because after her comments about not wanting to be grisha and whether anyone had ever escaped the LP he considered her a security risk and so was taking the letters to make sure she wasn’t planning a break out with M*l. But one theory that I’ve seen alot of antis using is that Aleks wanted to isolate Alina because he is a groomer and he was hoping that if he isolated her then he could become her new singular confidant and have an easier time manipulating her. Literally though the amount of times I’ve seen antis use Aleks taking Alina’s letters to M*l as ‘evidence’ that he was grooming Alina. But I’m here to blow some holes in this theory because he never actually isolates her and he never becomes her sole confidant. Again something I’ve spoken about before but Alina has friends at the LP (even more so in the show) she has genya, marie, nadia, in the show you can probably add fedyor to that list too and of course Aleks himself. It always kind of amuses me when I see the claims that Aleks isolated Alina because she actually had more friends and a more well developed social support system at the LP than she ever did at Keramzin or in the First Army with M*l. And while she does confide in Aleks alot he by no means becomes her sole confidant. She also confides in Genya, Marie, Nadia and even to some extent Baghra. Again this shows that she has that better support system because she does have many people she can go to for emotional support and advice whereas before arriving at the LP the only person who provided this role for her was M*l. If Aleks took the letters because he wanted to isolate Alina so that he would become the only support she could turn to then he wouldn’t have stopped there. He would have isolated her completely made her feel completely alone, he would have isolated her from the other grisha too. There are so many ways he could have done this, he could have told the other grisha and Alina that she was too far above their station for them to be allowed to socialise, he could have insisted that she eat her meals with him privately instead of in the hall with the other grisha, he could have trained her separately with private lessons only, he could have confined her to her rooms for her ‘safety’ and only let her leave for lessons and meals. This would have limited the amount of socialisation she’d have with others and ensure that she only relied on him and that she really did feel completely isolated from everyone else. But he doesn’t do that he leaves her be to form friends and socialise as she wishes. The only way in which he interferes in her social circle (other than taking the letters) is by sending Genya to her and asking her to spy for him. To be honest though I don’t necessarily think this was a manipulative or malicious move, Aleks was aware that Alina’s life had just been uprooted and that she was likely going to struggle to adjust not to mention Alina was a bit of a wild card, so asking Genya to keep an eye on Alina was probably a smart general like thing to do.

Going back to ‘The Tailor’ in this short story we learn some interesting things but one thing we learn is Aleks’ actual motivation for taking the letters. The letters were given to the servants and then the servants gave them to Genya who was passing them on to Aleks. Genya is clearly feeling guilty and unsure about taking the letters and there is a really interesting scene where she is talking to Aleks about this and it is here that Aleks says this: “Old bonds,” he says as he gives the horse a final pat and pushes off from the fence. “They can do nothing for Alina but tie her to a life long gone.”

This is something that has been spoken about before in the fandom, Aleks stopped the letters because he knew that Alina would not be able to access her grisha power and flourish at the LP whilst she was still holding on to her old life and her bond with m*l. He’s realised something that I feel like m*l and Alina never really do, which is Alina will never again be that same girl that grew up at Keramzin. She can’t go back to that life and so the only way she can really reach her potential is by letting it go. Now here’s the thing, is it morally grey of Aleks to take the letters? Yes of course it is. Being separated from M*l causes Alina great pain and distress and thinking M*l has abandoned her really hurts her. But I also can’t say that Aleks was wrong. I mean it is canon that Alina didn’t harness her powers until she let go of M*l and embraced her identity as a grisha and as the sun summoner. So while yes it was very upsetting for Alina to think that M*l had abandoned her and this is where alot of Genya’s guilt comes from, I don’t know what other way there was to get Alina to move past that block and reach her powers. Her co-dependency on M*l was damaging to Alina so it’s difficult for me personally to see this as some villain move when in the end it ultimately benefitted Alina.

Something else that I found really interesting in this short story is that when Genya expresses guilt for taking the letters and worries that Alina won’t ever forgive her, Aleks says he will give Genya the letters, he then says the above quote explaining his reasons for keeping the letters from Alina and then tells Genya that she can do whatever she likes with the letters. She can give them back to Alina, send them to m*l or destroy them, but it is left entirely up to Genya on what she wants to do and ultimately Genya decides to burn them. What’s interesting about this to me is even though Aleks clearly thinks stopping the letters is the best thing for Alina, if Genya feels like its going to destroy their friendship and isn’t ok with taking the letters then Aleks isn’t going to force her to. I mean he could’ve pulled rank and said you’re my soldier you’ll follow orders or he could have asked someone else to take the letters instead, but he instead leaves it up to Genya.

Anyway that’s enough babbling for today. If you do get the chance and haven’t read it already I would recommend The Tailor its a very interesting read and gives alot of backstory on Genya and some insight into her relationship with Aleks.

#darklina #the darkling #tw grooming #the tailor spoilers

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adorerdraco · 4 years

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Malfoy’s Gone Soft! ✧ Draco x Reader

Summary: Draco, your boyfriend, is mean to everyone until you call him out for it.

Warnings: mentions of bullying :( and a couple profanities :0

Words: 2K

A/N: omg i wrote this on a whim while listening to the euphoria score soundtrack in like an hour idk if its all that but i have no idea what i’m going to do next for Healing Heart so for now i’m just going to write other things for Draco until i get inspired ! & feel free to send me requests ! also thank you for 100 followers you guys are amazingggg !!!!!!!!!!! *insert pouty emojy*

The sound of arrogant and boisterous laughter filled the courtyard, the Slytherin Prince and his minions were tossing around a book bag that a helpless 2nd year Hufflepuff was chasing around every time it was thrown to another boy. One of the boys yelled a foul, “mudblood!” that made the boy tear up as he reached and jumped up for his bag that was in the air every few seconds. It was nothing new to the school, Draco and his band of bullies would bother anyone who they found as an easy target just for the fun of it.

Unfortunately for Draco, you had been passing by through one of the corridors with a group of friends when you had seen the fiasco. As much as you adored your boyfriend, you couldn’t deny the sometimes nasty persona that he had and how much it bothered you. He would always swear up and down that he would stop his antics, but you often encountered him or heard from other people of him being in the same situations that he had promised would stop.

You marched your way over to the group, a fire in your step and your eyes fixated on Draco who was laughing like a fool. You watched as Goyle rushed to elbow Draco’s side, earning him a look until he had pointed in your direction. All joy in the blond’s face quickly drained once he saw your vexed expression heading towards him.

The book bag had dropped from his hands onto the stoned courtyard ground, the young Hufflepuff hastily grabbed it and ran off in tears back into the castle. You stomped up to Draco, noticing how he had visibly swallowed in fear at what your reaction would be.

“What happened to, ‘I swear I’ll stop being a git to everyone!’” You asked him incredulously, mocking his voice as you quoted him.

“Malfoy said that?” Blaise chuckled as if it were a joke. Both you and Draco turned to give him a frenzied look.

“Y/N, I...” Draco trailed off, looking around at his friends who were awaiting his response with smug smiles on their faces. Then he looked towards you, a hope glittering in your eyes that he would reassure you and be the sensitive boy you knew behind closed doors and away from his every day reputation. “I...”

“So you have nothing to say for yourself?” you deadpan, a scowl making its way onto your face when you realized he wasn’t going to apologize.

“Why do you care what I do to a stupid little Hufflepuff?” He snickers. Whatever hope you had left went up in flames, he had chosen his reputation.

“Because it’s mean,” you sneered. “Why would I want to be with an arse like that?”

With that, you turned on your heel, walking out of the courtyard and back to your friends where you walked to your next class without turning back to look at the group of shocked boys.

“I think you just got dumped, mate.”

“Merlin’s sake, do you ever shut up Zabini?” Draco fumed, his heart breaking at the question and his mind running a million miles per minute. He began walking towards the entrance of the castle to head into the common room, bumping shoulders aggressively with Blaise as he did.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You weren’t sure whether or not you and the Slytherin Prince were broken up. Of course, it was the last thing you wanted but you were sick of the endless excuses and empty promises. You knew of the package deal Draco Malfoy came with when you started dating him, but there was a point when it all became too much. You were hoping in a last ditch effort, that if he genuinely really cared for you and respected your wishes, this would be the final push he needed to change.

It’s not like you were asking him to completely stop being himself. You were only asking for him to stop with the unprovoked teasing and pushing around of innocent bystanders. His friends especially, were a big reason why he continued to do it as he loved being the leader of the group and all that came with his positions as; the funniest, the most attractive and charming, the smartest, the wealthiest, the strongest. It was all just a game to him but he never saw the aftermath of his tormenting and how it could really affect someone or their day. You were like a broken record, repeating to him over and over again the same wish you had for him but he never absorbed it.

So now here you were, furiously writing your Potions essay in the library as your mind ran with thoughts of the aggravating platinum blond and nothing having to do with Calming Draught.

“Write any harder and you’ll break your quill,” a certain timid voice said from in front of your table. You didn’t look up, already knowing it was Draco. You didn’t want to give in so easily to his intoxicating nature because the second his scared gray eyes were to meet yours, you’d melt. “Y/N, I’m sorry. For what happened in the courtyard.”

You sighed, setting down your quill and shaking your head, eyes still trained on your parchment. “It’s not just what happened in the courtyard, Draco. It’s that you do this to someone new every single day.”

“I’ve been this way all my life, I can’t just change who I am,” he argues. You finally look at him, the both of you silently seething at each other.

“That’s not an excuse!”

“Shh! Quiet down, the two of you or you will be asked to leave,” Madam Pince exclaims angrily from her desk. You turned back to Draco, hard eyes trained on him as he glared back at you with the same irritated look.

“I would just like to know why my girlfriend feels the need to suck the life out of all my fun,” he says lowly to you. Your face goes scarlet as you try to contain your wrath from being let out on the whole library, and on Draco who wouldn’t even know where to begin to handle it. But as angry as you were, it was quickly replaced with anguish and pooling tears as you thought of the main reason why you had wanted him to be nicer.

“Because your ex-girlfriend knows how it feels like to get bullied and targeted every day for no reason,” you spit sorrowfully. “I know what it’s like to live on the opposite end of what you think is fun and I promise you it’s nothing near that.”

You hurriedly grabbed all your things and rushed out of the library with tears streaming down your face as Draco only stood there feeling like the biggest most insensitive idiot and asshole in the world.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It had been a week since the incident at the library and the both of you couldn’t be any more miserable. It had gotten to the point where Draco felt ashamed and gross if he was even accidentally rude to someone, let alone on purpose. The blond boy watched you intently from his Slytherin table in the Great Hall, his friends and their conversation sounding like a distant incoherent buzzing as he focused onto your sad and defeated face and figure from afar.

He had tried everything he could think of to get your attention, to get you to hear his apologies, but you wouldn’t give him the time of day; you refused to. You were beyond hurt. Not only because of Draco, but also because of the painful memories that had resurfaced that you spent so long trying to get over. It was all just a mess and Draco regretted everything he had said to you and everything he didn’t do for you.

“Just give it a rest, Draco,” Pansy sighs exasperated at the boy’s longing stares. “She broke up with you, stop pouting about it and move on.”

“Shut up, Pansy,” Draco sneers. “Mind your business why don’t you.”

“I’m just saying, if I was her, I would never do or say anything to ruin our relationship,” she shrugs, peering up at the frowning Slytherin through her eyelashes.

“You’re not her though, are you?” Draco snarks, his eyes squinting at her as he shoots the mean remark her way. All the surrounding boys give an “oooh” at the interaction, cackling as they watch Pansy go red in the face before abruptly standing up and leaving the table in a rush.

Draco did the same and removed himself from the table to dart out of the Great Hall and towards an empty corridor near the courtyard where he liked to hide on an large windowsill. He had enough of his despair and enough of sitting around and doing nothing to win you back, so he got to work on something that would be his last and this time big gesture, to get you to listen.

A few hours had gone by, it was sunny and there was a nice breeze that was perfect for Draco’s plan on winning you back. He especially knew that when the weather was like this, you enjoyed sitting on a bench in the courtyard, the sun caressing your face with warmth as you read a book.

He walked out of the corridor and towards the courtyard, and just like he knew, he spotted you sitting at your favorite bench angled towards the sun and deeply entranced in whatever book was in your lap. He took a deep breath before nearing you, stopping a few feet away to where you didn’t notice his presence just yet. His hand reached into the pocket of his robes, picking out the small and large variety of origami birds notes he had written and charmed to fly over to you and around you in a pretty and gentle circle. A bouquet of red and y/h colored flowers had appeared in his hands behind his back, all he was waiting for was for you to accept him.

You looked up from your book, eyeing all the paper birds that were fluttering around you and across the way was a frantic looking Draco with his hands hiding something behind his back. You let out a deep exhale, reaching out to grab one of the birds and unfolding the note to read his perfect cursive.

I’m sorry.

Then you grabbed another.

Please forgive me.

Then another.

You are everything to me.

And another.

I promise to change my habits.

And then the final one, the biggest bird of the bunch.

I should have listened to you from the beginning and I’m sorry I haven’t been more sympathetic. I’m also sorry that you had to go through that in your past. You are so beautiful and strong and deserve everything good in this world.

You placed your book to the side and stood up, opening your arms in a hug for Draco before he bolted towards you and enveloped you into his arms with a sigh of relief.

“I’m so sorry, darling,” he apologizes again into your hair as he nuzzled into you. He pulled back, handing you the large bouquet of flowers that made you blush as red as the roses that were mixed into the assortment. “I can’t promise you I’ll be perfect, but I swear on everything I love, I’ll try.”

“You don’t have to be perfect, Dray,” you chortle. “All I’m asking is for you not to be such a terrorizing little git.”

“Done,” he grins, throwing himself into your arms again as you giggled and ran your hands through his hair.

The two of you plop onto the bench below you, Draco peppering kisses all over your face in glee and gratefulness that you gave him another chance to prove himself. He didn’t even dare remove himself from you when he saw his friends strolling by, snickering and pointing to the nearly snogging couple.

“Malfoy’s gone soft!” Blaise yells across the yard, the rest of the boys laughing in response as usual like the mindless bozo’s that they were. Draco rolled his eyes, throwing them the middle finger before nuzzling himself back into your embrace.

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