#the only thing that has helped a little bit is adderall

[corvidcall]

i get so fucking mad at that "do it scared!!" advice i keep seeing people share around like it's inspirational. like fuck youre right i guess i wont have anxiety anymore because i decided to just ignore it!!

i dont want to be one of those people who gets mad at mental health advice. like, its good to go on a little walk and clean a little and wash yourself. that WILL make you feel better. but "if youre scared simply behave as if you arent" isn't good advice when i would LOVE to do things even though im scared, but i genuinely cant make my body do it. i WISH i could do it scared!!!!! if i could just decide to not let fear stop me, i would have done that already!!!!

[slippery-minghus]

i love you doing my little stretches before bed! i love you walking 30min each way to and from work! i love you meds that make my brain let me do these things!

[freesia-writes]

Lil Life Update for Y'all <3

I've been a lil cryptic or back-n-forth, I think, and just wanted to share a little bit about what's been going on. I say it's not for attention but who knows what motives lurk under there, LOL. It's mostly because I love you all and want to let you in, also hope that it's encouraging or connective for anyone else who's experienced the same, and also I just miss the community I have sooooo loved here. 🥹

I'm a 34yo female with 2 kids aged 4 and 7. I had depression like crazy during and after my second pregnancy especially. In Aug 2021, my primary doc suggested I try something like Zoloft since I'd been complaining of irritability, no capacity, constant worry, and other anxiety symptoms. When I did feel some relief and felt encouraged that I could "feel like myself" again, I pursued solutions for other issues I was noticing. Over the last year and a half, it's been quite a ride. ADHD symptoms led to Adderall for 4 days, then Wellbutrin for a few months, then Buspar for a few months, then Strattera (tapering up and then back down) for about 3 months, then Ritalin for 1 month, which I thought was helping until we realized that the entire month of October was basically an increasingly manic episode.

Whew.

We're talkin 2007 Britney here (ok I didn't shave it but I cut my hair off into a pixie). Spent thousands on a new wardrobe of the "dark academia" style. Bought Disneyland tickets. Invested in a photography mentorship. So much energy and inspiration. Then we realized it was getting out of hand.

I had also been tapering off a lot of the meds over the last two months, so it was just a crazy cocktail of chemicals that made my brain finally go kaput. I finished the last dose of Zoloft on November 5th, and that was the last of the meds, so now I'm off everything. My therapist thought the mania was medication-induced due to all the changes plus the addition of the stimulant, so the goal was to try to allow everything to settle down and see what "baseline" is for me right now.

And it has been frickin HARD.

Cervical vertigo. All-or-nothing sleep and appetite. Extreme sensory sensitivity. Random itchiness. Racing mind. Total inability to focus. And the worst part has been the mood swings.

I'm basically having all the symptoms of bipolar disorder in a rapid-cycle format. It may be cyclothymia, or it may be the withdrawal effects from all the meds, but regardless... It's been quite the roller coaster. The nerd in me has been fascinated by the experiential knowledge of it all, since I majored in Psychology and have always loved learning about it, but the overall negative effects on me and my family have been difficult.

I'm someone who has always relied completely on being highly capable and in control. I find my worth in my productivity and competence. And it has caused increasing stress throughout my life. I've been praying for years that God would break me of it, and I can see how he is using this to do precisely that -- lovingly trying to answer my request to be freed of this relentless pursuit of the illusion of control. He's inviting me to simple, joyful life of trust. The perspective shift is so freeing when I realize that I don't need to have it all figured out because he already does, and I can just rest in his loving guidance and look to him for the next step instead of trying to plan out every possible outcome and strategy. I went on a reflective retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains and just felt so encouraged and loved in the way he invited me to let my shoulders down and to ground myself in his warm provision and care.

But the change doesn't happen overnight.

So in the middle of a total storm of bipolar symptoms -- days of mania followed by days of depressive episodes and being so new at it all that I don't know how to navigate "normal life" with all of that -- I'm also trying to rewire 34 years' worth of the way I think and act. BUT it's a blessedly simple process: the only thing I have to worry about is this moment. I can't affect the future or the past. So all I have is right now, and I can turn to God for guidance, encouragement, insight, or anything I need in this moment, and he is so faithful to give it. But man, it's easy to forget. ;)

Literally me with that right now, trying to figure it all out on my own before I remember I can't and don't need to:

Anyway, this got LONG, surprise surprise, but I've always enjoyed being vulnerable for the sake of connection and potential encouragement. And selfishly, I'd LOVE to hear from any of you who may have had similar experiences. Right now the fixation of my [very limited] capacity is on my photography business, but I've been feeling drawn to writing more and more, and have attempted a lil drabble here and there. So I'm just patiently waiting for the inspiration to return. :)

I have so appreciated the love from you all. I also haven't been as active with reading/reblogging/supporting/etc as I was, and that's just where I'm at right now, but please know that my heart is with you even if my brain is not, LOL.

If you made it this far, you get a gold star. Or a Howzer hug. Or somethin. :)

[thebearme]

got any zoey headcanons?

YES!! imma bout to go off-

Zoey is Korean-Russian. (Dad is Russian and mom is Korean.)

Was a military kid so she hopped to place to place but when her dad was home the arguing would continue. Eventually leading to a divorce.

Her pet hamster and cat kept her company during these times.

Miss Puffy Cheeks (the hamster) is unkillable. Kid Zoey would make up stories of MPC being a tough, resilient military hamster that has a secret life outside of being her pet like Parry the platypus. She finds it silly now but she still can't figure out where MPC goes when she's at school.

Zoey lives with her dad. (she was always a daddy's girl even if she hates to admit.)

Zoey was a quiet but kind girl when she was younger, always a people pleaser and it only got worse in the beginning of high school.

She always got bullied by the jocks of the school for being a push-over, pick-me girl and a quiet kid.

One day they put gum soo far up in her long hair the next day it was ALL cut to her shoulders length.

Later she dyed her brown hair to red. (Cuz red looks cute but also because it gives her SOME control in her situation.)

When I think of Zoey being into indie stuff I think of arty tiktok. (like arthoe, indiekid, vintagecore suff like that)

During All Star Zoey was the girls counselor (by force) and a couple counselors (by force). By the end of it she got sick of being everyone's therapist. She LOVES helping her friends but it gets hard to do so when you have no choice.

Zoey's favorite time period is the 50s, as well is Vito. (the ONLY thing they have in common)

She's also go on dates with Svetlana. (🏳️‍🌈lesbeans)

Zoey also does Svetlana's makeup sometimes.

Zoey likes putting stickers on things and people.

In MZC team (Mike, Zoey and Cam) Zoey thinks she's the mom friend. (everyone is the mom friend.)

In a High school au their friend group is literally JUST Ned's declassified survival guide.

Btw Zoey and Mike are the types of mfs to instead of dancing in the prom they will dance in the rain outside together. (I watched too many 00s 10s Disney shows.)

Cause Zoey was a military kid she had trained with her dad in self-defense. (This is where commando Zoey came to be!) Even though she never uses it, it's still a useful skill.

Zoey is sumwhat able to catch up to Manitoba pace when they hike together.

Jo hangs out with Zoey and Svetlana, they go to the gym together.

Sammy and Zoey are friends and go to the same school (Zoey is two grades ahead.) and they spend lunch together sometimes. (depending if Amy kicks Sammy out from her lunch table.)

Zoey's cat (Fluffy) has beef with Mike because he thinks Mike is taking his mother from him. (Her attention whore cat.)

She does NOT like conflict. Zoey will have a panic attack if people argue in front of her, let alone make her choose sides.

Zoey takes a major in psychology and a minor in fashion.

Zoey and Brick are classmates and great friends.

Brick and her have a lil side project where they make outfits for Dekota size. (she really appreciates it.)

A little silly thing Zoey does when she's bored is that she draws on her or others skin. Mike tends to have the most drawings on him (hands & arms) it grounds him and also because her drawings are cute. She doesn't draw on Cam because he's to afraid of the chemicals in the markers or pen.

Zoey hates the idea of choosing sides so much after she finishes college she moves in with Mike. Not smart financial but at least she won't have to tell one of her mom or dad that she chose to be with the other parent instead of them.

Zoey has a little bit of strained relationship with her parents.

Mal and Zoey would ✨lovingly✨ beat each other up. They're ADHD VS AUTISM incarnate. (Mal hates mfs with red hair and pronouns!! /j)

Zoey is Molly McGee on adderall.

Her and Gwen would get tongue piercings together.

Zoey has a granddaughter relationship with Chaster, a good one but she still try's not to upset him anymore then he already is. (btw no one has told him that Zoey is half-Russian and none of them plan to.)

Zoey take more years in college later and became a teacher; I imagine she's Mille's teacher. After the TDI reboot Mille comes back to class feeling guilty that she couldn't finish her thesis paper about people her generation's psychology but made a backup paper about her own insecurities. And of course Zoey completely understands and tells Mill it's ok to feel insecure but make sure to keep yourself in check so that insecurity doesn't turn into judgement for others problems and trauma. (this one had abit more projection in this. superiority complexes in Gen Z's that "aren't like the others" virus is a real problem man.)

(Because I aint planning to re-re-redesign Zoey.) take a list of songs that give a Zoey vibe.

[nervous-breakdance]

Party Monster: South Park x Club Kid RP

"It certainly let a whole generation of teenagers see homos and weirdos and sickos up close and personal, in all their majesty and splendor. And they learned that, often, the very same kids they pick on in high school are the ones holding the drinks tickets, the drugs, and the guest list at the coolest club..."

OCs are welcome for now (clubs need bodies after all!) Nothing written here for the characters is set in stone, they're just jumping off points/random ideas. If you wanna make up your own thing, go for it! If there's a character you want that's not listed, dm me or hop in the discord and take them! Much like everyone at Limelight, we're all just here to get fucked up and have a good time. (DISCORD LINK!)

The Limelight Club

Owned by Tolkien

Managed by Butters

Scott is a Bouncer

Clyde is DJ & Party promoter

Downstairs:  dancefloor, 2 bars, stage, Cartman DJ (Eric sells drugs while he DJs)

Upstairs: Dancefloor, 3 bars, VIP area, Clyde DJ

3rd Floor: Tolkien’s office, Butters office. Stairs to 3rd floor are located in VIP

Characters (Available/Unavailable):

Stan

Alcoholic

Openly bisexual, fucks anyone for just a little bit of intimacy

Plays gigs with his band at the club sometimes

Jealous of whoever is with Kyle that's not him

Absolutely burned down the farm or tried to

Kenny 

Comes back after a long absence, everything is different.

Tries to help Kyle & Stan

Finds out he can absorb weak versions of Old God powers and might be able to turn back time and fix this shit.

Openly bisexual

Kyle

In debt to Cartman, owes a lot of money

For Adderall, got into it for school and got hooked

webcam/onlyfans model/actor?

Probably has an eating disorder

Cartman

Was the cause of all the calamity

Mom married some guy who owns a chain of pharmacies, and he got a line on all the good drugs. Slowly got everyone hooked on something they needed.

On Kyle’s ass about what he owes.

DJs at Limelight opposite Clyde. Likes being the center of attention + it’s a good place to sell drugs.

Uses oxy to control Heidi

Craig & Tweek

Craig sells weed, coke & mdma (the only things Cartman can’t get)

MDMA helps Tweek's anxiety a bit (also it’s mdma the sex is good lol)

Got super into gay culture, poppers, circuit parties the whole 9 yards.

Tolkien

Owns The Limelight club

Totally gets coke from Craig, in exchange Craig can sell coke/mdma in the club

Butters

Manages the club

Pimping again? Moves his girls through the club?

Call him Pimp B? (homage to Pimp C rofl)

Closet bi?

Clyde

DJ & party promoter

Wendy & Nichole & Heidi & Bebe

Got into Adderall same way as Kyle, became a total party girls

Also super into coke

Sometimes fuck buddies (in any configuration)

[catboybiologist]

Slightly late monthly journal!

First off, the spreadsheet has been updated:

Nothing too drastic here, especially compared to my initial growth spurt. But still… there’s so much, yet so little to talk about.

I’ve been on spiro for a longer time now, and recently increased my estradiol dose. Note that my levels check was before the increased dose- the dates aren’t completely coordinated (they are on my private spreadsheet for my own personal tracking, don’t worry). It’s looking pretty good. Testosterone is well within target levels. E is about the same, which is much lower than I would like it. My endo says that 100-200 is “minimally acceptable”, and wants to shoot even higher than that. That’s comforting, in a way- I’m the slightest bit frustrated that some changes aren’t happening too quickly, but that gives a very distinct avenue for improvement. Ultimately, I’m gonna switch to injection monotherapy, probably around the same time I start prog. So the big change is decreased T. What has that done to me?

First off, the hard measurements. There’s really no surprises here. I’m losing weight, which tracks with my general diet and an increase in exercise levels. It seems to be happening faster than normal, though. Which, is pretty easily explainable by a new variable in the equation: adderall. I started adderall in the middle of the month. I’ve used it sparingly, but everyone I know that takes it told me that weight loss is pretty much unavoidable. I’m certainly still above any point where my weight would be worrying, but I’m gonna have to keep an eye on it. Especially if I want fat tits. As for how the weight loss is happening, I’m very happy with what’s going on. My bust and hip measurements are holding steady, while my waist and underbust are still slightly going down. 

I do know that there’s another source of weight loss, however: muscle mass. With the increase in exercise level has come an increase in exertion for the same results, which has made me slightly dismayed. This is the main HRT effect that I was a little scared of. But honestly, I really only care about the muscle that helps me hike and swim- and if I maintain that better, I think it won’t be too much of an issue. I was never some pariah of physical condition, so I think with training I can even improve my hiking stamina. That’ll be very necessary with my future backpacking plans.

The main thing that I’m REALLY happy about is that, if I squint, I think I can slowly start to see the first hints of facial changes start to come in. They’re subtle, of course. A weird one is that my nose is literally straighter. Y’all don’t see it, but the reason I still shield my face (despite being easily identifiable at this point if you saw me irl and knew this account) is mostly insecurity about my nose and chin. My nose actually physically curves to my right when viewed from the front, and in general, is a huge, classic Roman nose. Looking at head on progress pictures, its actually starting to straighten out. I thought I was imagining things, but I checked in with a couple friends before and after pictures of several years on HRT, and yeah- their noses are different, usually smaller and more symmetrical. Saying that this is a huge relief to me would be an understatement. Additionally, I was insecure about my boxy jawline, but for some reason, it seems to work as a femme feature of my face now- I think slight cheek restructuring helps frame it better. Still not so sure how the chin is gonna turn out. But hey- I started HRT thinking that I would for sure need FFS to pass, but now, I'm far less concerned. I'll at least give it two years.

I’ve also gotten a lot of interesting comments. Several labmates and family members that don’t know I’m transitioning have remarked that my skin looks healthier, and I look younger. I’ve also had noticeable mental health improvement, so I think most people think I’m on some kind of self improvement kick. I mentioned skin care as part of that. We’ll see how long the excuse holds- probably a while, as the changes are so, so subtle at the moment. But shit, I’m only three months in. I’m thrilled.

There’s still no getting rid of my beard shadow. Even though the growth rate of my facial hair has noticeably decreased, the thickness of the basal hairs will always add shading to my face. When I started HRT, I thought it wouldn’t bother me that much until I was ready to socially transition- but tbh, it’s starting to look glaring to me. I’m looking into starting laser sometime in January, and hopefully that’ll help.

Which brings me to the emotional changes. Holy FUCK what a month its been. I’m not gonna expose all of my dirty laundry. But, a mixture of some long term anxieties and a few particular events led to a classic mid-20s “what the fuck am I doing with my life” crisis. One of those long term anxieties was a thought I’m sure many of y’all are familiar with: “I started HRT. Now what? How the fuck am I going to socially transition?”

For a couple days, I was very seriously considering quitting grad school and academia. I’m past that. Tragically, I love science a little too much. I do, however, need a break. I talked to my advisor about taking a hiatus, and he’s fully supportive of the idea. And conveniently, that also provides me with a clean way to simply disappear, and come back as a woman. A nice little break to allow me to socially transition.

But anyways. Here’s my big point here: if I went through something similar pre-HRT, I would’ve reacted completely differently. I would’ve shoved those thoughts deep and let them simmer as a general, background malaise that I would just stew in and suffer. Now? I cried. A lot. Actual fucking tears. I went through a few days of sharp sadness, and then actually fucking processed those emotions. What the fuck? That’s new. It’s insane. I wouldn’t have had the emotional capacity to that before. 

I’m elated. It’s wonderful. It’s a more than welcome change.

But yeah. Steady as she goes. Progress is a little stalled, but both me and my provider are adamant about getting that E up. And I’m still making slow progress as it is.

Very quick NSFW notes after this button.

The final note: sexual function. With the low T… yup, my downstairs functionality has decreased. My ejaculate is clear, and often happens without being fully erect. That said… there’s no way in hell that I would ever trade getting that back for what I have now. My libido is still comes in waves, and is crazy when it comes. The feelings I get from intimate situations now are incredible beyond belief. 

[hismercytomyjustice]

Today’s therapy session went a little like this…

Therapist: You have to feel and acknowledge your feelings.

Me: no, 💖

But in all seriousness… Yet again found myself being like “Yay, the OCD spirals have been almost nonexistent lately!”

Only to, in the middle of talking to her about something, realize “…oh shit, my drive for perfectionism is another OCD spiral isn’t it..?”

My Therapist: ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

GODDAMMIT.

But I also found out last week (when I finally saw a psychiatrist at my therapist and doctor’s behest) that the typical dose for OCD of my current meds is 2-3x higher than what I’ve been on for the past like two years. Apparently that dose was more suited to “generalized anxiety” and not, in fact, for “OCD brain ghosts.”

So that’s getting bumped up. And my Adderall is probably going to get bumped up too. It hasn’t been doing much for me for a while now and I’m on a really low dose for it.

The psychiatrist also said we need to figure out whether or not I have autism because that’s going to greatly impact what she prescribes. Basically she wants to help me rather than medicate my brain into submission lol. Which I def appreciate!

I also met with the autism specialist my therapist recommended (whaaaat having OCD means you’re more likely to have autism???) who kept asking me things and was just giving me very “uh huh” looks the whole time accompanied by “Yes, that’s an autistic trait. That too. And that.”

But like, she’s asking me questions to sort out stuff like special interests and I’m just like what qualifies as a special interest and not a hyperfixation or a normal amount of interest? What is a normal amount of interest?

Same with questions like “are you a picky eater.” Like, what does that mean? By whose standards? What is the scale we’re working with here?

It does not help that a good chunk of my family and friends bare minimum at least have ADHD. Because I’m sitting there comparing myself to them and I’m pretty sure it’s a bit of a “Spiders Georg” situation.

Like…what is a normal amount of research when it comes to things you’re interested in? Because I don’t know everything about Mount Everest. But for like a month or so there, I was trying to learn everything I could about it. Wouldn’t that be a hyperfixation then? But I only eased up because I wasn’t coming across much in the way of new info, so IDK.

Same for like…what is considered a normal amount of liking a particular piece of media? Doesn’t everyone have stuff they enjoy and want to learn more about? And like…there are plenty of people who know more about POTO than I do. Not among my immediate friends and family, but I’ve seen them out on the internet. I know they exist.

What’s an ADHD level of sensory issues vs an autism level? And what’s an OCD level of liking things to be the same way vs an autism level? (╯°□°）╯

She can’t give me a formal diagnosis, as she does more like…autistic life coaching, but she did say she has someone she recommends for full blown testing if I want to get a second opinion, so that’s something I can consider.

It would just be the bee’s knees if my OCD didn’t keep sending me into spirals over this. I have had multiple qualified people tell me I probably have it now, and the ONE person who I got an actual assessment from (who never met me because she was just the assessor’s supervisor) is the only one who’s like “eh, not enough.”

Which just keeps sending me in “it’s not autism, it’s just the perfect combo of OCD and ADHD to make people think you have autism” loops.

God it’s so fucking annoying being in my brain sometimes.

Most times.

All the time.

But hopefully over the next few weeks I can get a solid answer on that front one way or another so I can stop ruminating on it. Whaaat reassurance seeking behavior??? In this economy?!

[copperbadge]

hi, I just came across your grocery post on how your ADHD task coping mechanisms don’t align with performing the task while medicated. Do you have any thoughts/advice for adjusting to doing work/job tasks when your previous coping mechanisms don’t work while medicated? As someone who was diagnosed after I finished undergrad, my coping mechanisms for finishing schoolwork tasks are to intentionally trigger RSD to trick my brain into making the consequence of failing the task greater than my executive dysfunction. This is 1) not healthy for me and 2) difficult because Adderall softens my RSD and emotional dysregulation. So where unmedicated I would panic and make an entire presentation the night before it was due, my medicated self sits there anxious the night before my work presentation but still incapable of starting the work. I’d love to hear your ideas on this if you have a moment (no worries if not, have a great day either way)

I hope it's okay I posted this! My readership may also be able to offer suggestions. (Readers, remember to comment or reblog, as I don't post asks sent in response to other asks!)

So, as the kids say there's a bit to unpack here...I do have some coping mechanisms to offer, although I have a strong policy of "do what works for you" so if these aren't helpful, please don't feel as if you've somehow failed -- these are just what works for me. If they don't work for you, that may be a good jumping-off point for thinking about what would, but they simply won’t work for everyone. 

First, I want to say that while I'm not a psychiatrist or a doctor, it sounds like it's possibly an issue with the medication. If it's working well enough to help with your RSD but not well enough to help with the action paralysis you're describing, it could be you're on the wrong medication or the wrong dosage of it. So above all I would strongly recommend talking about this with your prescriber to see what they say. This may be as simple as a tweak to your prescription. My psych has me on 10mg immediate release at 8am and 1pm, but after discussing the rhythm of my day he has also given me permission to occasionally take 20mg at 8 and no second dose. 20mg is an option if I’m tired or struggling and gives me a little extra push to get stuff started and/or completed, and it helps a great deal, but it’s not always needed. 

As for solutions to the actual issue...so, I know that with ADHD it's often the case that once you start something, you may be able to focus deeply on it and bang it out very quickly, like you have been doing. Also can I say, using the RSD to kickstart the executive function is a wonderfully imaginative workaround but sounds super unpleasant to do, so I'm sorry you've had to do that. Anyway, I think people who are capable of doing this, of kicking into action and completing a very complicated task all at once, tend to think that's the only possible way to do it, because it’s the only way that has worked in the past. So I have two suggestions.

The first is to try and reframe the project as something you can work on before the last minute, now that you have medication helping your executive function along. You can try, for example, saying “I’d like to get some work done on this thing that’s due a week from now” and just see how far you get. This can be tricky and can lead to a lot of guilt if you can’t manage it, which I want to stress a lot of people can’t. But if you are capable of saying to yourself “I’m just going to work on this a little”, every time you do that, it gets slightly easier because you know you’re not starting from the beginning. I have sometimes set alarms to be like “Okay, I’ll take my meds at 9:30. At 10am, as they’re kicking in, the alarm will go off and I’ll work on the project a bit.” It could be that you are now capable of spreading the work out over time, but you haven’t been doing that simply because you’re so accustomed to being unable to. 

In some sense it’s a matter of identifying what the medication does for you and adjusting that to help you in your life. ADHD meds can have varying effects -- they can help you start stuff, they can help you focus, they can keep you from running around full of excess energy, but they don’t always do everything for every person. So if you know that your meds help you focus but don’t necessarily help you start on something, maybe you need someone to body-mirror you to help get started. If the meds calm you down, maybe use the calm time to set up your workspace and arrange everything so that it’s easier to get started later. Identify the changes the meds make and try to strategize around those changes. Like how without meds at the grocery store I have trouble finding things, whereas with meds I tend to get stalled out taking in all the information. So maybe I need to be at the tail end of a dosage period when I go, or maybe I need to make a list that includes BRANDS so that I’m not label-comparing, and tell myself I will not browse. Or give myself extra time so I can do those things! 

The second suggestion may be more helpful, but it too involves doing preliminary work early on. This is one I do when I have something I’m not feeling confident about, but you can do it about anything even if you WANT to do it but can’t seem to get going. 

As early as you can, set up some time to sit down and make a list of all the granular parts of a project, rather than doing the project itself. This isn't universal, some people stress out about lists, but it can ease the path towards starting if you think you don't have to do "a project" all at once. If you're making a power point presentation, your list may be something like

Open Powerpoint. Open prompt for presentation. Open research website or get out research books. Read research (just one!). Read research (another). Repeat until finished. Review and develop ideas for the presentation. Make an outline for what the presentation should be. Pick out a template for the slides. Begin entering text into slides.

Et cetera. I've found, and you may too, that once you've started making the list, or once you've gotten to step 3 or 4 of actually doing the list, you're on a roll and the rest comes naturally. Like, I can't do this fucking project! But....well, okay, I am capable of just....opening powerpoint. And once I've done that I can start knocking down the rest, a little at a time. I think it is very hard for people with ADHD to learn how to segment out work that they feel “goes together” over time, like we are always under the impression we have to do The Whole Thing Right Now. Learning to orchestrate smaller steps, with the help of medication, is one way to spread the work out. 

But yeah -- all of this is predicated on the idea that the medication can help you get started and focus enough to keep going. If it can’t do that, then the problem is not with you but with your meds. Learning how to observe your medications’ effects, and learning how to use those to your advantage, will be more helpful than any tips or tricks I can provide, in any case, but making sure they’re actually doing the job is first and foremost. 

[the-whumpening]

Meet the Character Monday #3

Ash - Tigerverse (The Caged Tiger, The Freed Tiger, The Pet Tiger)

[Image ID: A sketch of my OC Ash. The drawing is a shoulders-up portrait of Ash smiling and facing to the right side of the screen. As this is supposed to be before The Caged Tiger, his hair is shoulder-length and he is uninjured. His left eye is blank as if clouded by a cataract. He is shirtless and his muscles are clearly visible. The whole piece is done in shades of orange. /End ID]

(Ash smiling! Wow! Yes, it's possible! This drawing is representative of what he looked like right before his capture: happy, healthy, without major scars, but after he lost his stripes/tail/ears.)

Basic Info:

Name: Moss Pelt (Ash) Catteau

Age: 26(ish)

Birthday: Spring? (Aries) Ash doesn't know his specific birth date

Height: 6' 4" (193 cm)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Green

Favorite Color: Green or orange

Gender ID and Orientation: Is very comfortable as a man but has never thought about it (much more concerned about his status as human vs beast), is attracted to both men and women but once again never put much thought into it. If it needed a label, he might say he’s “my partner”-sexual. While I also wouldn’t call him “poly” per se, he’s not strictly monogamous in the traditional human way.

Pronouns: He/him (never, ever “it”)

Other: accidental autistic rep (oops), tiger-human hybrid creature

What's Ash's role in the story? Ash is a human(ish) barbarian and the protagonist of the Tigerverse series. He is the current partner of Evius, who was previously romantically involved with Ash’s whumper: Ozmund Greenthorn. Ash was originally created as a character for an ongoing DnD campaign, though the stories on this blog mostly divert from the canon of that game.

Fun Facts about Ash:

Due to his tiger heritage and upbringing, Ash can communicate with cats and (with some effort) most other animals. He’s also picked up bits and pieces of other languages based on whomever he interacts with most (including a little Elven from Kane and Infernal from Evius).

Ash, like all tigers, is red-green colorblind. He only learned this after being with the party for some time—he didn’t realize he had orange fur. In fact, Evius’ coppery tiefling skintone doesn’t look much different to Ash than his human disguise. He can, however, distinguish shades of blue and yellow. (I’m just now realizing he probably doesn’t realize Mouse’s hair is pink. Bummer.)

Even in his human form, Ash has heightened animal-like senses which often overwhelm him. For that reason, he tends to dislike crowded areas and sticks close to Evius or Kane in the city.

He does not have a barbed penis, but man do we love to joke about it lol

His intelligence is kind of paradoxical. He didn’t have any formal education, and just about everything he knows about the “civilized” world came from Kane, so he’s not exactly “book-learned.” But, for the same reasons, he doesn’t have a lot of social knowledge either. His intellect is mostly centered around his knowledge of the natural world and survival, as well as his keen skills of observation and problem-solving. When his intelligence increased from the mindflayer tadpole, it mostly just made it easier for him to learn things and put concepts together; it didn’t impart any factual knowledge on him. Almost like he had ADHD and got adderall for the first time lol

That being said, he did become more aware of all the social rules he hadn’t noticed or cared about before. Suddenly, he felt embarrassed at being seen nude because now he could put together that not everyone was as comfortable as him and that most people felt some amount of shame about nudity. It also helped him finally connect the pieces that his attraction to Evius wasn’t just platonic.

Hilarious corollary: Hsa (what the tadpole named itself) has experienced the world through Ash since it was implanted. Meaning, it has felt everything Ash has felt and seen everything he’s seen. It knows all his thoughts and feelings. It has seen aaallll of Ash and Evius’ . . . interactions.

Biggest Secret: Ash would love to have a big family and lots of babies. He’s even fantasized about being pregnant—he’s still a little shaky on exactly how humanoid biology works. (And Evius’ player has forbidden me from writing mpreg fanfic boooo)

[mysteryloversbookshelf]

The Afterparty: Feng

I don’t feel very well so I’m not going to do a long post, but this episode explained a lot. We finally figured out who the skeater and snorer are and even got a lot of funny moments. This episode has made me feel even more sympathy for Feng because the man has been through a lot and just wanted his daughter to have a great wedding. Spoilers ahead!

Last week’s clue was “Not the DJ” which doesn’t help us out at all. But we at least know now that the snorer is Auntie Ruth and Kyler is the skeater. All of the edits and footage were so gen z it was hilarious to watch and I love the idea of things being shown to us rather than told. The Urkel jokes were so simple yet so funny and Roxana alone was the breakout star for me. Between her floating in the pool and her shaking her head no at the baobing, I was very entertained 😂

This whole season there have been theories that Edgar was secretly drugging Isabel and now we will finally have the truth next week. The big question though is why? Is it to control her finances or did she witness him do something and he doesn’t want to be ratted out?

A few weeks ago I had the theory that Ulysses might be full of 💩 because of the whole koumiss thing (camel vs mare milk) and although it did turn out to not be a misdirect there, it looks like he really is sus. People have been pointing out for the past week on Reddit that his story had missing info and that the long shower was never explained. And there’s a strong theory that he accidentally killed Edgar because he was trying to kill Feng. After tonight’s episode I believe it 100%. Someone pointed out in the Feng episode discussion post that Feng never took a sip when he took the glass from Ulysses and another pointed out that during the accidental glass switch at the end, Feng got Edgar’s adderall laced whisky. Their reasoning is Feng being up all night working on business ideas which makes perfect sense. That’s actually so cold blooded and makes the whole situation sad because if it is him he ruined his niece and potential biological daughter’s life all because he couldn’t get over an affair over a decade ago.

At this point I’m just enjoying watching the rest of the mystery play out and then I’m going to sit back and enjoy the rest of Only Murders in the Building S3. I hope that next season they go back to 8 episodes because it’s starting to feel like it’s dragging a little bit 😬 What are all of your last minute theories?

[margaretxalexander]

maggie alexander || headcanons

tw: substance abuse mentions. underage drinking.

maggie's place is covered in houseplants. at one point one might say she considered her plants more her children than her actual ones. she might even hesitate when bringing that accusation to her, but only because she's always good with plants, she just knew how to take care of them. her kids? not so much.

about two years after the divorce, maggie and matthew made the decision that the kids should live with him for a while. he had a good, steady job, a nice place, a schedule. for all intents and purposes, he was finally a fully functioning human being and maggie...she was working on her master's, teaching, parenting and having 'fun'. it was impossible to balance it all and it constantly teetered too much. she wasn't sleeping, she made have had some issues with adderall usage as well. it got to be too much and though it hurt her to do it...she knew it'd be better for the kids. at least until she figured shit out.

she smokes at night when she can't sleep. she'll walk as she does. which, she knows doesn't help her insomnia in the slightest. it's just...something to do or more so a force of habit.

she was terrified of being a shitty mom which turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy in her book. and yeah, likely her kids' too.

as they were growing up though, she did her best to make her home a safe place for them and for any other wayward teens. she offered her couch as a place to sober up or sleep over on. let them know if they were ever in a tricky or scary situation they could call her, no questions asked. always had some sort of food stocked in the fridge and condoms available. did she encourage said behaviors? no-- it wasn't like she was throwing ragers or anything. she was firmly of the stance that teens were going to push limits and engage in risky behavior. and that she was going to try and make sure her kids and their friends knew that no matter what, they had someone in the could count on to be there even when they messed up.

it didn't always translate well or turn out well either. there were times she was taken advantage of, had things stolen or pissed people off. there were a few times she had to call parents or lay down consequences after the fact for her own kids but she still saw it as worth it.

she loves dancing, to anything really. she can waltz and tango.

she's surprisingly good at darts.

cooking is another forte of hers. even though she didn't always have the kids, she that 'mom' that got used to making big portions. so what she doesn't eat, she'll box up for friends or take it to the local shelter.

she prefers black coffee but her not so secret guilty pleasure is hot chocolate. she has a myriad of flavors and when she's having a rough day, that's her go to. and you know, she may add some bailey's to it every now and then.

she plays video games with some of her patients, cozy ones like stardew valley where they can play and talk at the same time.

she's on tiktok and will occasionally drop little nuggets of wisdom, but its mostly videos of her derp of a cat or her cooking/recipes and plants.

she loves rainy days. thunderstorms especially. there have been times she's cleared her schedule just to sit and read and listen to it fall.

she enjoys photography and has a few of her photos she's taken framed and hung in her office.

she's in a bowling league.

she smokes more than tobacco on occasion. those nights she loves to put on a vinyl, have a bath and relax.

will still play drinking games and is a bit of a card shark.

says 'fuck' a lot.

Speaks Spanish relatively well thanks to a few college courses and an old flame.

is a romantic at heart but aside from matthew has never really been in love. which...she knows she loved him and still does dearly. but she's never been sure if she was 'in' love with him.

there are some women though...she's seen potential. she just-- has never taken the time to really explore it.

she will indulge in a date or two every now and then. she enjoys planning them as well as being planned for.

she usually falls into a situationship though. ones that enviably die out due to her schedule/need for independence or things just fizzling.

she loves crystals, astrology and spiritual things. her office is full of plants, crystals, fidgets, a bean bag. it's as cozy and as relaxing as she could get it. she even has therapy animals come in sometimes, her favorite being a goat named Kitt.

she has two tattoos.

- more to come-

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Wow! So many updates to process! I have therapy tomorrow thankfully

We are moved into the new place! I LOVE itttt! Still have so much unpacking to do. Made our first meal last night. Bow tie pasta with veggies and ground chicken. The kitchen is beautiful. I have so much room to cook and places to store my excessive amount of cookware 😁

I don’t have an opinion on the new job yet. Been doing your typical HR training. Today is the first day I’ve gotten to shadow. This Job makes much more sense to me than the hospital job and I’m feeling good about it. The coworkers are nice, but when the boss is out, boy oh boy do I hear the drama. My take away? Keep my head down and trust no one. That’s okay though. It fits with my new identity of not letting work be my identity. I think I’ll like the job overall

I’m learning that my ADD does not like sitting at a desk. I mean, obviously, but I am getting extremely agitated by the lack of movement. I didn’t realize how much I moved during the day. I do a lot of sitting on my phone in my off time, but not a lot of sitting in one spot. The adderall is very helpful with focus. Im not getting side tracked, but omg movement. I have lots of fidget toys now and am getting a standing desk thing for my keyboard.

My job is minutes away from my mother in laws and she has offered for me to hang at her place for lunch. So that is super helpful with breaking up my day. She and M’s grandmom will be here on Friday’s, so I’m gonna use that as an opportunity to connect with them more. I’ll see if we can plan lunches together 😌 there’s a little sadness in that as I used to visit my own mom on lunch breaks, being happy that I can do that with my husbands mom, but knowing my mom wouldn’t do this if places were swapped. Im really happy and excited that I’ve been building this bond with my mother in law, sad that my mom is missing out on building a relationship with my husband.

Speaking of which, M was promoted last week! I may have said this already. Only one promotion. Today his boss pulled him aside to chat. He wants to recommend M for higher positions in the future. They’re expanding into other states and areas and he wants M to open his own store or become a training manager for new sites! So they’ll start his training for that in his current role so when the opportunity comes, he’ll be able to do it asap. Very exciting! I know he’s wanted so many years to become a cop, but the matter of fact is that he excels in leadership and management. I think this is going to be really good for him

He was emailed yesterday about a hiring orientation for an out of state police academy he applied to. We don’t know if that means he’s hired or if it’s just another application step. He said he’s leaning towards Turning it down as he’s already being offered so much growth in his current job. I feel this is a good thought process, but I don’t want to sway him one way or another. We talked a lot about it yesterday and we’re both conflicted about having to move again and me starting a new job again. My job could potentially transfer to that state and there will always be other apartments. But we really need stability for a little bit. We’re both conflicted.

Anyway, overall, things are going really well and I’m excited about the present 😊

[misshowdoyoudo]

Wtf has been going on?

Lol, glad you asked

So, back in like August, I got all my stuff packed up and I move back in with my parents because I am Finally Done with College, right? Except I'm not, because apparently one of my professors did not agree with my Internship because it wasn't to her standards.

So now I gotta redo my entire internship. Okay, that's fine, I got some connections, I'm only a little upset. Except I'm slowly losing my mind because that was a lot of work down the drain and she didn't tell me until the very END of the semester. Cool.

Well, then I find out I still needed ONE(1) singular credit in order to graduate. And it's not the internship credit, it's a movement credit.

At this point in time, I had also been dating trash dudes left and right. All these guys either wanted sex or someone to take home for the holidays so they didn't look worse than their brothers or whatever. My self esteem is dropping lower than it has in the past.

I set up a plan to end things. My dog has no idea how she saved my life.

ANYWAYS

About a month later, I meet a really good man. We hang out a bunch and things actually start looking up. We start dating for real mid-October. I really fall for him, and he falls just as hard (as I have been informed by him, at any rate lol)

Bf's mom (I will refer to her as Mamasita) has had chronic pain for a while now. Bf's dad (who I will refer to as Papa-san) has been looking around for things to help. Stumble upon this guy who can do surgeries to help.

So Mamasita goes in for TWO surgeries late November, early December. The first is a success and I help with chores while Mamasita is in bed and Papa-san is at work.

Second surgery rolls around and everyone is much more nervous about this one. This one is a lot riskier and could lead Mamasita to be paralyzed if done wrong (so could the last one, but the room for error is MUCH smaller on this one). Bf is sick with worry, so I'm keeping things upbeat and providing food and comfort while everyone is freaking out. I'm keeping Mamasita calm day of, and by extension bf and Papa-san.

The second surgery was a success, but Mamasita is in a LOT of pain the next day. I'm once more helping around the house (as is bf, but mostly in helping his mom), which isn't a big deal to me because I actually like cooking and cleaning, I just have a hard time staying focused on the tasks or even getting them started. Which is, huh, similar to how I go about writing.

TURNS OUT I HAVE ADHD

Surprised? I sure heckin was. Bamboozled, in fact. Got diagnosed shortly after a visit to a professional who was like: bro, you should get this checked out it might be adhd

And I was just 👀

I do exactly that. Now I'm going on Adderall, which will most likely help with my spasticness. Maybe. Hopefully.

TLDR: Had some bad thoughts for a bit, got some doctor help, got a wonderful boyfriend, helped with bf's mom having two surgeries, and found out I have ADHD for realsies. Wild.

[subdee]

ADHD anon. Thank you for your answer. A lot of what you said was very relatable. I've also had periods of my life where the ADHD seems to improve without medication. Tasks that require me to be on my feet and with people seem to be what works. The ADHD gets worse when I'm using the computer regularly.

It's interesting that you recommend Thinking Fast and Slow. My dad gifted me this book with the earnest advice to read it and I never did. Maybe I should.

If you don't mind me asking one more thing: How does the ADHD affect your ability to care for a baby? I ask because my partner and I both have ADHD and kids might be a thing for us in the future.

My partner is capable of holding high ranking, highly demanding, specialized jobs. He operates on the same high and low energy states that you mentioned. He works so effectively when he's on adderall, but when he crashes it can turn into an emotional breakdown for him.

Neither of us are currently taking medication because the side effects are too disruptive to our lives. My partner recently quit his job due to mental health problems. I'm not too concerned about the financial end of this because his skills are in high demand, but I am worried about this intense emotional/energy cycle becoming a non-stop issue for his health. I also worry that he won't be able to help with childcare for this reason, even though he has an evident paternal instinct around kids and he was raised by a house husband.

I have a hope in the back of my mind that if we did have a baby, parental instinct would override the difficulties of ADHD. However, I suspect this is not something I can know for sure until it's too late to go back on the decision.

"Tasks that require me to be on my feet and with people" <- This is it exactly, yes, thank you. By this measure there are a lot of people with ADHD who manage by either creating or lucking into the right environment (shout-out to the self-help book Driven to Distraction that recommended, essentially, being a dude and marrying a woman who could attend to all the details for you lmao).

About the parent thing... We've only been parents for about four months now so I don't want to pass myself off as an expert. For me, I'm on the older side (late 30s) but I don't think I could have had children any younger than this. Children really require a lot of managerial and organizational skills, especially as they get older and you have to manage their schedules for them. I never had those skills when I was younger, but I was essentially forced to develop them at work because I'm in a position of responsibility where bad things will happen if I don't do my job properly.

And the other part of that is, not only did I have to learn the skills, but after a decade of teaching I **feel** skilled and valued at work, and also in my relationship with my spouse (we've been together seven years). All of that gave me the confidence to try having a kid....

I don't think everyone has to be as old as me, but I think it helps to FEEL settled, to feel that you'll figure it out even if it's tough. And then raising a kid is a big financial commitment and job protections for new parents in the US aren't great, lolsob, so even more than the ADHD I would say that being confident I wouldn't **lose my job** if I took six months off to care for a child was the biggest factor in feeling ready.

As far as whether you'll be able to manage caring for a baby while having ADHD... it really depends on your situation and what kind of support network you have... If there are grandparents or other extended family/friend in the picture to help out, or if you have the money for paid help, then you can relax a little bit.

I haven't found focusing on the baby to be any kind of problem, though, because, well, you have to do it. You know? There's no getting around the fact that baby needs you to feed and change and bathe and burp and hold and play with them and etc etc. They can't even fall asleep on their own without you (alas)!

So whether you feel able to do it or not you just have to do it, unless again you have that great support network. I don't know about you but I personally find that a lot of ADHD difficulties go away when it's something concrete I have to do, with clear consequences if I don't do it right now.

About your partner, I don't know your specific situation but I wouldn't have a kid with anyone I couldn't rely on to help out with the childcare. Of course we all have our breaking points and sometimes RJ needs downtime and sometimes I need downtime and neither of us is 100% all the time *especially on days like today when the baby has been waking up every hour all night long (and this has been going on for weeks (and I'm almost always the person getting up in the middle of the night))* But no way I personally could be the only person caring for Baby. I need my husband to occasionally be the person who gets up in the middle of the night so I can sleep, who occasionally plays with the baby so I can have the morning off, who occasionally feeds the baby because my back hurts, etc etc. I'm sure your guy is lovely but babies take a lot of time and energy.

That's my personal two cents, and you'd know better than I would how often you'll be able to count on your guy when you need him. Maybe a more traditional split with your guy making the money and you doing the childcare would work for you guys, it seems to work for some people. Maybe he'll step up when it's clutch time, some people perform better under pressure. Really it all depends. I couldn't be the woman in this relationship though, not under any circumstances:

https://botharetrue.substack.com/p/i-cannot-handle-my-sons-crying

Anyway. It depends on your baby too, and whether you grew up around children and know how to care for them (I didn't) or whether you'll be muddling through. Some babies are easier to care for than others. Ours is good-natured but he had stomach issues and now he has sleep issues. Also he's at the age when he craves stimulation and if we don't take him somewhere interesting at least once a day he gets cranky and indignant - he also needs tons of exercise every day like Michael Phelps or he can't settle enough to eat or sleep - ADHD probably to be honest.

One thing that no one tells you about babies but that helps in caring for them - they come with a learning curve. They are actually pretty easy to care for in the beginning and the difficulty increases gradually. So you do have some time to adjust.

[eoieopda]

Unnie, how long does it typically take you to write? Do you normally do little bits of a story over a few days, or do you hammer it all out at once? I have to put pieces together slowly and I honestly don’t know if that’s normal.

beeb, there is no normal, so don’t worry! the amount of time it takes me to write something depends on a lot of things, tbh. full answer below the cut!

some of them are physical/physiological: how bad is my fibro pain, did i remember to take my adderall or has it worn off, am i too fatigued to expend energy on a lot at once? etc. moooooost of the time (like 98%) i ignore the check engine light and do not stop once i’ve started something (because who tf knows when i’ll pick it back up if i stop, lol.)

these are some things i’ve noticed about myself and my writing habits:

the thing that will be easiest is the emotional stuff, like the inner thoughts or the dialogue. the thing that will always be the hardest is cleaning up once the writing part is over. it takes me FOR👏🏻EV👏🏻ER to try and edit/proofread. with my adhd, i make a lot of careless mistakes — and even if i don’t, i THINK that i have, and i have to check 5 billion times before posting — then i get so sick of looking at the thing that i need to stop. 🥲

i drag my feet with smut because i don’t think i’m good at it. i try really hard to vary descriptions and shit because i don’t want all the smut scenes across my fics to be too similar, then i get mad that i can only think of a few ways to describe a certain sex act, etc. even if the rest of the fic is done, the smut takes twice as long — which is wild because i’m a gd degenerate as an individual, but struggle so badly with WRITING sex 🙃

angst is infinitely faster than fluff because i am a a sad, soft boi with a lot of feelings lmao. lacuna was banged out in, like, 2-3 hours but i’ve had fluff drabbles take twice that long (only to be 1/8th of the length???)

series chapters, even if they’re shorter than my one shots, take longer. this is because i’m bad at planning 🤪 i have general concepts of things i want to maybe have happen, but i do not make detailed outlines of shit. then i change my mind COMPLETELY as i’m writing, and have to figure out what i’m doing/if it makes any sense/if it is in any way consistent with what i previously posted.

idk if any of this answers your question or helps you, but i hope it does???

[grim-echoes]

addictions being treated as quirky or not a big deal for certain things is how I got balls deep addicted to adderall before I realized it was fucking destroying my body and I had to wrench myself out of it 🫠 I was stupid, young, naive, not experienced with heavier substances and I just internalized how casual everyone is about it. It’s so dangerous fr

adderall/prescription medication addiction also kinda goes hand in hand with a thing i omitted from my post to keep it relatively short which is certain addictions being sensationalized as a usually right-wing fearmongering tactic for the purpose of demonizing the source--i have friends with adhd who use prescription adderall to manage their symptoms who have found it harder in some cases to access refills due to its stock being limited to only certain locations as an attempt to combat adderall addiction out of a belief that the medication itself is bad, despite the fact that 1. most people who pop adderall like candy do not need it for medication and are not getting it through a prescription, they're getting it through a dealer and 2. you can be prescribed too much and need a lowered dosage. i'm not sure how you got hooked, so i won't jump to conclusions--but the fact remains is that the medication itself is not the issue, but the US in particular has consistently been fucking terrible about effectively tackling drug addiction so it really tracks that the throughline here is "medication bad" which makes it much harder for people with adhd to access it, and doesn't stop people who are addicted from accessing it elsewhere and continuing to be addicted. anything taken in excess is bad--it's just that adderall is the current hot button topic, and not for any good reason.

video games are in the same category where gaming addiction only exists in the public consciousness because of its association with "video games turn you into a violent mass shooter", which has and always will be a right wing facade alongside demonizing mental illness to ignore the issue of gun accessibility and the rise of fascism contributing to a culture of gun violence, but i digress. it's not that video game addiction is its own issue and that a lot of mobile-oriented and AAA companies employ practices that are intentionally designed to cultivate a dependent relationship between the player and the game that needs continued attention--it's that it's convenient to know is a thing because it suits a conservative agenda and because addictions like this aren't very well heavily talked about outside of these very narrow, unhelpful contexts, a lot of people both don't realize they're addicted and can't get help, and don't even know that you can be addicted to anything that isn't a hard substance.

this might have been a bit of an aside from the point of your ask anon, i definitely went on a huge tangent, so i will add to loop back around that for addictions being treated casually it was part of the reason i never realized i had a caffeine addiction until my first sudden, unprompted panic attack and subsequent discovery that dependency can cause literally every single symptom i would go on to experience and more. there's a very casual, nonchalant attitude about coffee in our culture and having actually experienced the worst of it and continuing to see so many people around me (immediate family included) who are completely unaware they're addicted and don't link their health issues to their overconsumption, i get more than a little upset about the idea of being a "coffee fiend" or needing coffee just to maintain basic alertness being portrayed as a quirky character trait rather than an actually fucking horrifying sign that your health is in jeopardy and you won't ever know because NOBODY talks about it.