#the only way to survive is to let people know i am an incredibly fast learner

[thetorturedpoetsintern]

listening to hits different pretending I haven't memorized the song since October

[nerdyenby]

Pink time :D I’m watching Grian

Pregame

Instantly losing my mind /pos

The arm wiggle looks like his mouth opening lol

“This music is relatively annoying isn’t it?” I love Grian so much you guys

MCC Grian is a mess and I love that for him

I am so excited for this team, you guys don’t understand

Bingo But Fast

“Wait, this is real” Jojo 😭

Jojo is so confused lol, it’s okay queen you got this

I’m already confused on who I’m watching, I’ve watched both Jojo and Shelby’s streams the past couple weeks lol

The way none of them noticed the elytra

WHY IS IT ACE RACE MUSIC??!!?! IM STRESSED!! I didn’t even realize the first time round lol

Jojo just saying fuck under her breath repeatedly when half the team is pg is so silly of her

They’re all kinda in their own heads but that’ll get better as they find their flow

Grian sassing chat AS HE SHOULD

“How long til bingo again?” Life really is just a period of waiting between rounds of bingo, Lizzie’s right

“I wouldn’t count on anything being normal” Real and true Shelby

Battle Box

“You should crouch down so I can get on one shoulder, Lizzie can get on the other shoulder, then Shelby can jump on your back and you can just carry us, yeah?” So true Grian

“What if we die before that happens? Well, then we’d be dead” Lizzie my beloved

Lizzie catching that picks are better than the carrots is such a good call

Aw Lizzie just got absolutely mobbed

Eat the carrot, let the impulsive thoughts win

“I think people are targeting me” “I also suffer from success”

Comms are a bit sloppy but I believe

“A win is a win” Lizzie is so real today

MCC itself has a grudge against Lizzie, this is so sad

Hole in the Wall

“I’m ready to start playing better” You got this Jojo!!

A bit off topic but I think the MCC team did a phenomenal job balancing how much players knew before the event and how much was a surprise, there’s enough of both that it’s chaotic without being overly confusing and I think the did a great job

Bill Wurtz fan club over here :))

“I just got flung and I’m not sure I deserved it” snarky Grian is best Grian

“When you said ‘off the edge’ I took that literally” Lizzie my beloved <333

Jojo’s calls are ELITE

Survival Games

I was just vibing tbh

Oh my gosh that was so intense when the border stopped one block away

Lizzie hiding in the corner and winning, queen moves only

“I think you just got scuffed” so true Grian

“I can’t tell what’s intentionally scuffed or just wasn’t thought about” that’s the magic of MCC scuffed

If you don’t know, Grian and his community have been funding a school in Ghana during every event he’s participated in and it’s absolutely incredible, go check it out and donate if you’re able :))

TGTTOSAWAF

None of them actually taking a break is so them

Lizzie going to check in on Joel is so sweet

Jojo apolozing to Ranboo <3

Literally what killed Grian lol

Sands of Time

Sand daddy Shelby <333

Jojo taking charge AS SHE SHOULD!!!

The absolute PANIC of the false chimes 😭

“I’m never going down a tunnel ever again” Lizzie 😂

Grian mvp :))

The countdown starting and Shelby just saying “ignore that” is the level of confidence I need in my life

I didn’t even see the wardens the first time round, that’s terrifying

Wait when did the get green vault? Like I heard Lizzie found the key but I just didn’t notice them actually unlocking it lol

Big Sales at Build Mart

Shelby saying fuck with her entire chest is everything actually

Remember when she was a regular on a Disney show? Now she’s dropping f-bombs on pg streams, and I love that for her

“Where’s- Oreo??” Real

It IS in color Grian 😭

They popped off :))

Skyblockle

None of them even remembering skyblockle is so funny actually, skybattle is just infinitely better and more memorable

Grian just crying when Shelby says to bridge with slabs

“I’d rather poo in my hands and clap” GRIAN

“Anyone else just wanna jump off” Lizzie no

Yeah just build a house actually, you got time lol

Grian crafting a fishing rod, you got this king

He did not, in fact, got this

Shelby being so proud of/excited for Oli is everything

He DID crash and burn, I didn’t even realize 😂

Dodgebolt

Everyone’s still confused, just as it should be in MCC Scuffed

Oh yeah, it would be the first 1v4!!

“That’s my man” Lizzie and Joel are everything

Joel not getting the 1v4 and Lizzie’s “I still love him” “That’s good because if that did it for ya”

A win for the empires team is a win for all empires peeps, so true

The chicken infection was to torment Grian specifically, actually

[nathuraley]

To your family you didn't look like the kind of guy who enjoys forests; nobody actually thinks you enjoy being outside because of your current obsession: genshin, but you DO enjoy appreciating landscapes, stargazing, people watching, and whatever other people do outside, but with the preference of going back home sooner that them.

Today though, you woke up with the unwavering need of going outside without anyone else to make sure you will survive in a forest you've gone to 3 times in your entire life. What's the worse that could happen?

You wandered off.

It wasn't the smartest choice, but the scenery was magnificent, the vibes where peaceful, and you had your backpack with you holding all the key stuff for survival just in case you did wander off, which you did, so... Well, whatever; what's done is done.

"I should take advantage of this solitude to...why am I wording this this way?" You wondered, rummaging through your bag for 2 certain items: your portable speaker and an old mp3. Once they occupied your hands, you raised them to the air, imagining the sound of when you open a chest in TLOZ. "I don't what to use phone battery, you never know what could happen..."

You turned on the speaker and once the device gave its particular tune, you connected the mp3 to it, excited about the rhymes you could make with the new beats you downloaded yesterday.

"Let's see~ Random beats" You said waiting for the song to start: you have always preferred reggea over other styles, nothing wrong with them, but the vibes you got after a session were better with those. " Ew, no, ugly" It wasn't the sensations you wanted, so you pressed another random, and this time, you liked the tune. It was easy to let the rhythm flow through your skin, almost like a second nature after 6 years of freestyling, but never enough, there's always the chance of getting better.

"EH, eh, eh, get it, starting session number 34, with no microphone"

The wind was really nice, you closed your eyes for a second there, just to open them to look at the sky.

"Yesterday at the bus, I saw some stars fall; no one believed me, but I knew they weren't far. I took a walk to the park, where I ate some fries with, eh... my aunt!"

Now all rhymes were meant to be serious, it was practice after all. There would always be incidents with wording, inventing words, not making sense, or simply saying something silly, it was part of the experience, especially in battles.

"Yo, yo, you know how, it is my friend, there comes a man with handsome silhouette... wait" You stopped, feeling a little out of it. Deciding to change the beat once again, this time though  you started with your eyes closed, allowing the beat to flow once more.

You got some incredible phrases immediately, the structure you were using truly aided the rhythm.

"Theres no road that can run through your past, only scars of battles that you have yet to brawl. Only time will tell who stays in you side And who will step aside to never come back."

The wind smacks softly in against your face  playing with your hair, removing them form your forehead.

" Everyone's got a different way to love, But just some of them with love, and it only remains to wait. What I would give to get to fill this room, With the touch of a bloom, and the music of the sea "

You dropped a few other prhrases, each more poetic than the next one, and some just to fill with jokes, to train for future battles that could get aggressive. The next tune was kind of aggressive, but not fast.

"A guitar with it's bars And a poet with all kind of rhymes, He called it chants, Gave thousand tales, United people of all kind of lairs."

The sun was suddenly gone, as if clouds were passing right over you. Your eyes opened abruptly, your mouth tried to to keep up with your mind, as your eyes tried to focus back to the bright world.

" winds of fake love Give a way out, give me warmth..." You stopped, feeling really out of it.

That was such a good session, 10/10, would repeat. You turned off your speaker, throwing it back to your backpack, and proceeded to stretch your limbs, untill you heard something you totally weren't expecting in the middle of a forest: claps. Your body did a 180 towards the source of the sound, almost in panic, well, full on panic.

" Wow, I've never heard such tunes in my life, maybe there will be more chances to see you rhyme?" A childlike voice boomed through your ears, making your mind relive all those fake scenarios of scary stories of children, forest, and idiots on those forests.

Speaking of forests, this wasn't the same one you were in a few minutes ago, and that person certainly couldn't have been there either, not just because you made sure you were alone, but because you must be tripping balls to be able to see this guy in real life, and behind him, the Mondstat Statue of the Seven.

"My name is Venti, and I'm the best bard there is, and who might you be?"

But he knew exactly who you were.

[weregreatatcrime]

I'm sick and rereading Two Halves and I know I leave a lot (A LOT) of stuff in the end notes but there's actually lots of stuff I still never mention or talk about so here's a long sick (no longer at 4am) ramble about things I didn't get the chance to talk about but wanted to (in somewhat of an order reminded by rereading) or at least just some lines I particularly enjoyed

Chapter 3 Commentrary while I drink tea and try to remind my brain it belongs in my body

The fact that this is still early Leo so "sneaking out by himself" is JUST his way of going out to destress and not. Doing crazy shit shfbsjfhr

I actually really like Leo but he's also like. My LEAST favorite? And by that I mean I'm not INCREDIBLY obsessed with him like I am the others, so like, it confuses me why it's so easy and comforting to write him. The only one easier to write for me is Donnie

The boys make going topside stressful for him is2g, but also, Leo learn to stress a little less. Let your brothers break a few bones and sprain a few ankles so they learn to not be idiots while jumping rooftops (this is bad advice do not listen to me)

Unstated but it was very hard for Karai to not throw a knife at Leo to get his attention. He was just running, out by himself, all alone, and didn't notice the ninja stalking him?? Ohhhhh the temptation to REALLY fuck with him

Karai crouching over the edge of the building "being up high" to comfort herself during this scene. Intentionally turning her back to him was stressful

“What, a girl can’t stop by for a talk with her little brother?” <- A line she doesn't believe at ALL. Even if she WERE Miwa, she doesn't understand the father/son relationship with the Hamatos, and mostly thinks they're just students who take the family theme way too serious. She doesn't actually think the turtles will consider Miwa as their sister so much as a general younger family member they need to protect for Honor. Karai’s concept of family was ALREADY fucked up, being raised by the Shredder did Not help jfc

“But he raised and loved me this far. Hard to see it as anything else.” <- Even worse that she actually DOES believe this would be enough, if she really was Miwa. If she weren't a changeling sent to take his daughter's place

A lot of the scene with Leo and Karai is her just manipulating Leo, BUT it does provide a big big window into how Karai views her situation and how she would react if she WEREN'T a changeling. And it's AWFUL but cool

“Stabbing you is always on the table,” Karai grumbled, arms crossing. <- Be careful Leo that's VERY GENUINE (plus more of Karai covering herself up when she's stared at bcz she's twitchy (stabby))

I feel a lot of people say 2012 Splinter wouldn't steal and you're right! His moral code is too strong. However, survival is hard and lots of people learn real fast what good morals do you when you're at rock bottom. If it were just him I think he'd stick to them. But with four infant children to care for? Nah, he learned how flexible his morals can be when it's his children's life and welfare at risk.

Bless be this Leo for being young enough to not have had to really ask himself the really hard questions about his moral code just yet. Karai thinks it's stupid but funny. How naive can you be?? (Karai once again not understanding what life WITHOUT the hard decisions is like)

“You’re not evil, Karai.” Leo you're kinda wrong but you're not. She's not really evil but she delights in evil things..? Karai works on an entirely different morality code than good to evil, so, trying to put her as one or the other won't work, but she definitely does have solid traits from both sides of the coin

Karai ALREADY knows that if she just talks to Leonardo, it's fine. But his brothers will cause a scene and make her risk of being caught rise exponentially. She was riiiiight

Karai didn't know how to have fun without making it about training whoopsies honey your trauma is leaking through

I've already ranted enough about Karai thinking she Doesn't need the same things human children do (safety, security, empathy, kindness, etcetera) so I'm not gonna yell more but. Just. It hurts aha. Solid note that she also is aware Shredder definitely isn't providing all these necessary things

"Humans without those important social aspects developed poorly and functioned awfully later in life. Karai had none of that to give. She wasn’t even capable of expressing emotions like humans did." KARAI HONEY these things are CONNECTED they're not mutually exclusive oh my god

The turtles trying to pspsps this new mutant Punk Rock into being their friend and Karai just oblivious to it

Maybe I should write some of their interactions out as oneshots, from before they knew PR was Karai...

Not shown but the MOMENT Stockman realized Karai hated the Shredder’s methods as much as him, they both started BITCHING hardcore about how illogical his management skills were

Stockman: So when I leave, if we're doing a big rush exit, can I blow up the lab?

Karai: ...you know, you're not so bad for a human

As much as Shredder did overreact, it IS a huge fucking deal that a civilian with no espionage skill or training managed to escape a highly secure ninja compound and leave no traces. People would've been fired best case scenario. Karai is so proud of herself for her scheming lol

[ddagent]

ORANGE BLOSSOM, parent A does something so incredibly normal for their culture with baby David and parent B is just so confused

John/Delenn Summer Promptathon | Read at AO3  

There were very few Minbari that John disliked. Coplann, Delenn’s former colleague on the Grey Council; their very first conversation still ringing in John’s ears every time he visited Delenn at the ISA headquarters. Ashan, who John had caught sight of across a market in Yedor a few months ago and had relished the way he ducked down a side street. Lennier – although John knew better than to say that aloud. Then there was Callenn, one of the leaders of Delenn’s clan (and mine, John mused) and the Minbari who had tried to keep them from getting married.

So, it didn’t exactly put John in a good mood when he arrived back home after a few days away to see Callenn in his home and his wife practically in tears.

“Ah, President Sheridan.”

“Callenn.” John made the familiar triangle with his hands; once a difficult formation, it was now muscle memory. “Get the hell out of my house.”

 The Minbari gaped, his mouth opening rhythmically like a fish in a tank, at John’s rudeness. But the slight smirk on Delenn’s features was all John needed to see to know that he was in the right. He waited until Callenn gathered himself and swept out of the Presidential compound. The moment his feet touched the stone outside, John gathered Delenn into his arms. His fingertips stroked circles on the back of her neck; Delenn’s form shaking with barely restrained anger. Eventually she calmed, her head finding its customary position in the crook of his neck. He kissed her temple before gently easing away.

“You know, we could send the Anla’shok to kill him.”

Delenn’s laugh was watery. “It’s fine.” Her fingernails bit into her palm; blue triangles and dark circles inked across her hands. John remembered how happy she had been to receive the symbols of her clan once again. Goddamn Callenn. “It’s nothing.”

She then stole from him to the other side of the room where David lay in the small, elevated crib, fast asleep. John watched his wife stroke his dark curls, smiling sadly down upon him, and knew that this was a time to push, not pull away. “Delenn. Talk to me.”

“Callenn came to inform me that David will not be welcome at the clan’s creche.” John raised a single eyebrow. “In Minbari culture, children are taken from their parents at six months and brought to a creche operated by the clan. They are raised together; taught together. It allows the parents to continue to serve our people and strengthens the bonds between the clan.” Delenn drew in a breath. “Callenn believes that David would not fit well with the other Minbari children.”

A million thoughts raced through John’s head – a thousand accusations, too. But he didn’t give voice to them: he was too tired for an argument; too angry at Callenn, and the consideration that his son – a descendant of Valen and the One – was not Minbari enough, to do anything other than say: “Okay.”

“I didn’t want him to go.” Delenn’s words were barely a whisper. But the reverence at which she looked upon their son said it all. “It is our way but…I didn’t want him to go.” She blinked; her hands curling over themselves above her heart. John quickly joined her by David’s crib and held his wife. “It is ridiculous, is it not? I did not want him to go, and yet I am hurt that he was not permitted.”

John wrapped his arms tight around Delenn, only speaking when she sagged back against him. “I get it. David’s half-Human but he’s raised on Minbar, surrounded by Minbari. He should be let into the creche. Damn Callenn.”

“I worry, sometimes, that we have condemned him to being an outside forever.” Delenn peered up at him. “I worry what the universe will make of him.”

“Well, whatever it is, he’ll survive it. David is his mother’s son.” John laid a soft kiss upon her mouth. “He’ll always have you. I say that makes him the luckiest kid on the planet.”

It was at this point that David stirred from his nap, willow-green eyes opening and settling immediately on his mother. Delenn gathered David in her arms and the three of them took to the sofa, where John explained all about his business trip, Delenn discussed David’s progress, and David blew a raspberry every time Callenn’s name was mentioned. That’s our boy.

[bakugouaaa]

Please for my beloved Winter,, 9, 10, 15, 18, 20, and 22

ask meme!

9. If your OC were to imagine their idyllic life (realistically or otherwise) what would it be like?

honestly, winter wants a life of ease and to be able to rest. she wants to be able to settle down and not worry about all of the ways that the world is broken. it’s why she partially retires post 6.0 — she wants to live a life for herself rather than other people. she also desperately wants to be a mother; it’s not a necessity for her by any means, but in her perfect world. she’s settled, she’s married with kids, and she’s happy. it’s a big wish for her.

10. What piece of moody poetry or novel quote best encompasses your character?

i admittedly don’t read as much as i used to so i’m very behind on like, what poetry is what and all that. but there’s an excerpt from three women by sylvia plath i think of a lot for her: 

The silver track of time empties into the distance, The white sky empties of its promise, like a cup. These are my feet, these mechanical echoes. Tap, tap, tap, steel pegs. I am found wanting.

15. What is a common misconception about your OC? (Alternatively, what do people assume about them which is either incorrect or misconstrued?)

that she’s a cold and cruel person. while she does have a very icy demeanor upon first glance, winter loves a lot and has a very big heart. she does fall into common mean girl tropes at first, given her upbringing and privilege that comes with wealthy parents - but that iciness is a guard that comes from fake friends using her only for money and status. i won’t ever call her like, overly warm or anything, but she’s definitely not an ice queen like people view her. she loves deeply and she loves fiercely. 

18. What is one thing that they only let those closest to them see?

vulnerability. winter tries very hard to put on tough acts, or rather like. she doesn’t want people to see her for how she sees herself. she thinks she has to be a perfect example of heroism. she thinks she has to be strong and steady. so when one gets to know her on a level deeper than what she puts on for the public, they do see into like.. the more vulnerable side of her that’s just. so very tired.

20. What was the moment at which they knew they were in love, or was it a slow buildup?

rubbing my little hands together. with aleksei, it was a slow buildup after the initial shock she felt when their eyes met for the first time. at the time, she was with orrick, and as you know that relationship was just for show at best and extremely toxic at worst. so, fast forward to the end of a realm reborn, when the world feels like it’s broken for her for the first time. while she has river with her, and alphinaud and tataru, she still feels incredibly alone, because it’s her first time losing everything. she doesn’t think much on romance. she doesn’t think much on anything beyond survival and the next step that comes in the path she and river were guided upon. but then there’s aleksei. a like mind and someone who seems to see beyond the facade. it’s the first spark of something, it’s the first time she thinks of him beyond a mere acquaintance. the more time they spend together, the more spark she feels - soon enough, it’s a full blown fire. while it was a slow build, it definitely came rushing forward all at once. every smile, every passing glance and every written word - she treasures them all. and, she keeps every note he’s written.

22. What is some advice or guidance they received that had a big impact on their lives or outlook? Was it a positive or negative impact?

genuinely. i don’t think winter has ever received guidance or advice of any sort that has bettered her, or really made her worse? there is that bit about like, the legacy of parents etc, but like.. she had already decided for Herself so long ago that she was never going to be her parents. even if she was given advice it’s like... a 25/75 chance she’d take it lmao. we love to see it <3

[alostlittleriverlotus]

A jumble of thoughts after I had a talk with my mom.

Basically my dad is retiring this year and things are going to really change income-wise. It's not something that can be helped since he is at a normal retirement age so yeah.

★Okay! Content Warnings/Trigger Warnings time!

Mentions of abuse, emotional abuse, talking about toxic parents. Minor mention of homophobia/transphobia/racism (subtle) but not giving direct details just pointing out someone is. Slight delving into my childhood trauma. It's not super detailed, but it may be triggering to some so please be careful.

This is largely personal thoughts and personal details as I rant and get my thoughts out. Particularly a mention of my abusive dad and focus on WHY I don't like talking to him. Ableism/internalized ableism. Nothing outright really, but I discuss ableist expectations around people expecting me to work especially since my disabilities are invisible. Also mention of fatphobia/health mention aka everyone thinking just working out and being a normal weight cures body pain.

I think that covers it. I tried my best to list everything. If anyone reads it and thinks I should add another trigger/content warning, let me know and I'll add it.★

But I'm expected to support myself. My mother is more willing to listen to me now, much better than before. I can actually manage a conversation with her and she actually apologizes for pushing me to talk. And she's incredibly sympathetic about dealing with doctors since she's had bad experiences with them too.

It's just. Even with all that, she doesn't understand that I cannot work. She thinks it's something I can work to overcome and I don't know how to describe it to get her to listen. I am frazzled, I dissociate far too often, I struggle with chronic fatigue, paranoia, delusions and hallucinations, BPD episodes and mood swings, hypomanic and depressive episodes. I am easily fatigued, I get hungry far too easily (fast metabolism) which leads into low blood sugar levels. I have IBS, but also have a peculiar diet cause of my being autistic and having safe foods. I can barely focus, I can only do things I want to do cause of ADHD and executive dysfunction. I forget to go to the bathroom, to eat, to drink, to grab my food. I lose hours of my time and barely even realize cause of hyperfixations and dissociation. And this isn't even including the triggers I live with that can cause me to become messed up for a while. Hell, just seeing children in public is a trigger which is something I've realized recently. Everything is so much. And this also doesn't include the fact that my being autistic/ADHD just doesn't allow me to function on a normal schedule as most jobs require. I can only work an hour and a half of Door dash before I'm fatigued for weeks. It's been over a month since I last worked. And I explain this, in a way that doesn't mention trauma cause my parents won't understand especially since they still don't see they've done anything to hurt me, in the nicest way possible and my mother still cannot comprehend it.

Even spending time with my girlfriend. I forget to text her for hours and it doesn't feel that long. She's been getting that a lot lately. She's understanding even if she misses me a bunch (online relationship), but it just sucks. Even spending time with MA, I can barely function and end up dissociating or just fully out of it. Even when spending time alone and relaxed, it's just not right.

And I can't do job interviews. I've only had two job interviews (one of em lead to me getting a job, it was seasonal during the Christmas holidays) and I just. The thought of a job interview causes me to shut down.

I can barely cope. I spent so many years in survival mode, pushing just to make it out of school that it's traumatized my body. It's traumatized my mind. I still have flashbacks, nightmares, my body shuts down at the thoughts. By the end of my two month job, I was losing sleep and not eating. I pushed through being triggered, through having painful cramps, through feeling sick just to get through the job.

And I don't know how to explain it cause I know my dad especially will see it as an excuse. My mom may be sympathetic, but she still hopes we can find a way to push through it. But even if there WAS a way, that would take years and years of therapy and treatment. I can't even find a therapist that will listen to me or be geared towards my disorders, let alone one that I can actually get help from. I try to make her understand, I try to have her understand, but she just can't. It's something she needs to see with me. I can't go shopping without being fatigued and needing to chug water. And I love shopping. I know I'm not exactly physically fit, but I also know that if I go see a doctor, they'll bring up my weight. My weight isn't ideal, I'm chubby, but it also ignores the fact that I am still healthy in ways. I'm chubby, but parts like my legs and abs are muscular even if they're fatty. And nobody even believes me. Even my more physical issues are invisible. I'm regularly told I should try walking more. I'm regularly told I should get up and go out. It completely ignores the issues with my breathing, the issues with my knees, the issues with my needing water, the issues with how hungry I get quite easily. Even just an anxiety attack which is 30 minutes will burn through my food so fast. How overheated I get. I have all these issues and no solutions. Yeah, they're getting better with the help of Vitamin D supplements and my birth control, but there's many more issues. And nobody can see them so nobody listens. My friends are the only ones who understand and offer me support and patience.

It's just frustrating. Cause my mom is trying to be sympathetic and trying her best to understand which is a BIG change compared to the past. But because of her internalized ableism, her own issues, and just how I can't be honest with her, it's not possible. She won't understand the trauma I've been through. She thinks that even if we are autistic and have ADHD that we can work through it cause her and her family did. That we should mask because that's what society expects. And there's the whole fact she's transphobic and homophobic and like kinda racist (it's the subtle racism) and she's more republican so she wouldn't understand a lot of issues and I can't fully share because of that. I can't open up about planning to live with my girlfriend. I can't open up about my gender identity and how it affects me. They can barely pay attention to buy me clothes that fit since I've gained weight. Most of my wardrobe is thanks to MA. I appreciate that my mom is trying, that is a big reason why I'd consider not going fully no contact, but there's other issues. And I'm aware of the fact that me living as who I am would probably make her want nothing to do with me. I don't mention my dad cause A: he still doesn't believe me about my trauma. My mom sympathizes like "oh you've been through so much" but he just goes "I believe she believes it" as if I'm delusional and making it up. Considering I do have delusions, that is so painful to hear. B: My mom has an off mode when it comes to politics, my dad really doesn't. He watches stuff making fun of leftists and SJWs occasionally and even watches Ben Shapiro a bit if I recall so. Plus my mother was more independent or even more democratic before they met and she became more republican/conservative thanks to my dad. C: My dad is bad with emotions. He thinks he's some empath that feels everything others do (he has flat out said that to me and my brothers) when even my mother agrees that he's not and he can be cold towards emotions. He was far more aggressive during our childhood and he was the one that yelled more and got angry and would be far meaner. My mom isn't perfect and she got angry too, but my dad was worse. Hence why Lucifer from Obey Me, one of my fave characters, can be a trigger especially since they have similar hair colors.

This turned into a rant about my childhood trauma, I apologize. But I wanted to give insight into my parents and what I'm dealing with. It's not like my parents can help it, my dad is in his 60s so it makes sense why he's retiring. It's just this big change and it's what my parents expect. And I know my dad will see it one way, but my mom, try as she might to sympathize, just cannot understand someone like me, that appears able bodied and able minded, to be unable to work.

(Also when I bring my mom being problematic, I am in no way excusing her actions. Some of what she has said is disgusting, but I also acknowledge that she is a victim of abuse with her family and marrying my father has impacted her as well. No way in hell am I gonna try to defend her cause "she's nice to me sometimes." I merely wish to bring up that it is a complicated situation and I have very complex feelings for it. Cause even if I see her getting better, the reality is she will probably not change her views. I don't know if I'll fully go no contact or just go very very very strained contact. It's a lot I'm having to go through. Either way, it has ALWAYS been my plan to get far away from them. They're not people I want in my life hence why even if I had contact, it would be incredibly strained and distant.)

It's just a lot and has me thinking. I wish I could make them understand, but they're also boomers and come from the generation of "everyone has to work whether we want to or not." And since I APPEAR able bodied and able minded and they deny my trauma, my parents think I can just overcome my struggles. I don't even want my dad around when discussing this tbh cause I know he just won't listen or believe me. He resents me. He thinks I'm the one who's changed too much and wants me to act like I used to without putting in any effort. My mom is trying and even getting help herself (she's on anti-anxiety meds too.) But it's just. A lot. It's a lot of my mind, my emotions. My mother wishes we had a couple more years, but we don't. Again, this is mostly a circumstance thing with my dad being in his 60s. They had us very late and had me specifically in their early 40s so. It's mostly cause of that which can't be helped.

And it's just a huge reminder of how invisible my disabilities are. My physical issues get almost entirely ignored or just turned into a weight issue. For instance, my weight is affecting my knees, I believe that, but I also come from a family with knee arthritis and knee problems. And even years before I had big boobs or extra weight, I had knee, ankle, and back pain. But now everyone chops those pains down to my big boobs and my being overweight. Yeah, they're making it worse, but I've also had these pains since I was like 6! I've had sleeping troubles since I was 11, but it was chopped up to low Vitamin D. Which yes, my sleep is better. But I still have horrible nights of sleep or insomniac nights. Especially when I'm in a hypomania episode where I'm too energetic to follow a normal-ish schedule. Or my breathing difficulties. It's gotten better since being on regular medication and especially having a humidifier (I have constant allergies cause of dust and such), but there's still problems with me overheating, becoming fatigued, having difficulty breathing, getting slight fevers or fever-like symptoms cause of being too cold/hot. Showering exhausts me. I've always been told to just work out more, walk more, practice and make your muscles stronger and all your issues will be fixed. I've been more fit. I've had these even when I was thin.

Sigh. I just. Having these invisible disabilities suck. I didn't even know I had IBS for the longest time and just thought it was how my body works. But now I have to be careful of what I eat/drink cause of it triggering my IBS. Like yeah there's my mental health and neurodivergence and that's all invisible, but having my physical issues ignored has been something I've so normalized over the years. I'd push through pain, I'd be told it would go away, I'd be told that being active and eating healthier would fix it. My weight gain wasn't even something I could control! It just happened! 70 pounds in a few months then 70 more! When nothing changed about my diet and if anything, I started eating even better. My diet right now is the best it's ever been cause of me watching out for me being prediabetic. It's not perfect, but it's better. And yet nothing. And yet I'm told to go on Keto. It's just so tiring. Having any disability sucks cause of especially how people treat you, but I think for me, my physical invisible disabilities are the worst ones. Cause everyone just writes off my pain and such as "bad health" and needing to exercise more. And no one will understand that I have tried that. I've been several different weights. I've been thin, I've been fat, I've been average. I've been physically active regularly. I've done all this and still it hasn't changed. And people just can't comprehend that. It's so exhausting.

This really is just a huge personal rant especially about living the way I do and how my disabilities affect me. But I'm glad I realized I was disabled. Cause now I have been working to stop guilting myself. I understand more of why I can't do things like others and even if no one believes me, I'm at least standing up for myself. And my friends and such are willing to help me with my disabilities and be patient. And even my girlfriend is so amazing and understanding. She has her own struggles too, but I'm glad she's understanding. And even with my BPD, she lets me know when she's in a bad mood and how it isn't cause of me. 🥺 Cause she knows I'll instantly wonder if it's my fault. I'm glad to have her and my close friends. It's gonna be scary for a while, but I know it'll end well. I got my deities, I got my friends, I got my beautiful girlfriend. It'll work out somehow. Even if it means things will be scary and different for a while.

[cloutchaserkineme]

law student lip service

Feb. 19, 2024 8:11 PM on a Monday, at home.

"Law school is so hard. I don't like law."

These are words I uttered every day as honestly as a Sagittarius rising could, which is extremely. I thought that I was in good company, given that every day I communicate with my fellow law classmates the conversation is a wheel of pain validation-

😔 I'm suffering every day 😭🥺 I have no time for myself let alone for the outside world, or my hobbies 😰 it's a miserable existence!

Reader, they are fucking lying. They don't hate law school as much as they claim to be, nor are they as tired of its workload as much as they make it seem!

They're all fucking liars and masochists who chose, as willing as a cat chasing a juicy lizard escaping through the pet door, to go through the rigor of the law-school-double-drum-roller every day. Members of a twisted underground movement subtly dressing to signal their intentions- some with collared shirts and bags big enough to pack a Macbook and a codal, some who wear a suit 16 hours of the day from work until evening classes. They are Catholics of a new sect, prostrating and harming themselves in the name of their god, which is the Constitution.

I thought I was complaining in solidarity with my fellow Mediocre Marys, who stumbled into the enrollment process out of reflex, and are now stumped by the real, material difficult of learning and absorbing such an important instrument to our society.

By my own hand, I am once again in exile. I am really, truly bitching out here because I'm the only one (in our batch at least) who went to law school not for the love of law.

And I know I'm the only one- my siblings in Common Sense have already chosen not to re-enroll for the second semester, or at least had enough brain cells that were sparking that day in the registrar's office and chose to only go to law school part time.

There's two major reasons why I stay, and one is because I am a racehorse. Skills that I have accumulated over the course of my young lifetime have primed me to be Very Good at the necessities of surviving the daily tasks of school, and Very Shit at any other path in life.

I read fast, which means I know a lot and have poor eyesight. I speak and understand English almost instinctively, at the cost of my losing fluency at my mother tongue and being witty, funny, and understandable to my peers. I am better at citing research than most people my age, and asking the right questions to get the answer I needed for the last piece of the write-up.

I am very well-suited for the track, but like all racehorses, this is the only place I have ever known. Anything outside my comfort zone will be incredibly harmful, that it would be stupid of me to not do it, to not continue grad school, stupid to not enroll in law school and put my mind and my skills to use to bloom like a good plant from my home garden.

I am good at Law, the same way a falcon is good at spotting prey from a mile away, the same way a suture needle is best for dressing wounds, the same way I know to remember the dates and when to give flowers and how to court a jealous mistress. I am good at it, and I am interested in being effective, but I don't feel a big passion for it.

The Law and its intricacies does not swallow me up like a burning sun the way it does the acolytes I call my classmates. I don't have a righteous cause, or a burning curiosity, or an endless pocket of wealth that allows me to explore things on a whim. I'm just here. And every time I fail at Being a Law Student I feel like a changeling taking someone else's place, living in fear that one day, the college secretary will telepathically hear me complaining and moaning about The Law, and she'll tell me in the same tone that Stanley Tucci used to tell Anne Hathaway, "I could get another girl to fill your job in five minutes. Someone who really wants it."

Quitting is not an option either. The other major thing is, while I might not like law school, the person I love the most in this lifetime is paying for my education when she doesn't need to, or has to.

This amazing horse-breeder, with her casual course corrections like spurs, the warm food she makes, the hugs in every new and updated law book volumes she buys for me, the Scorpionic bow to my Sagittarian arrow, the Virgo maiden conditioning the lazy Lion.

I love her enough that I will go through this muck full of unnecessarily long words and tax documents, surrounded by caffeine and memory supplement addicts who get off of correcting other people's grammar so much I wanted to send Merriam-Webster a link to making an OnlyFans account to cash in on their horniness, and putting hypothetical people into such convoluted, imaginary situations for the benefit of The Law- for the next few years, and to come out a lawyer.

I might not have a cause, but I do have a mom. And I'll be damned if I ever let anyone, especially me, crush my mom's dreams.

I just hope I have enough staying power in me for a few more rounds around the track.

(30) 8:40 PM the same day.

[bugjizmsquawk]

This is a growing playlist and mostly an attempt to get back into the habit of writing regularly. I don't know if I will find an audience but it would thrill me to stumble into a community of feverish writers who happen to be into the darker realms of music/art/fashion.

I accept that compared to most everyone here I am ancient and might be susceptible to being labeled "out of touch". Certainly youth Culture confuses and baffles me but only in the sense that I perceive it as a challenge albeit a highly distracted one. There are certain things that I will never bother trying to understand because the generational divide is just too vast. Now, Generation X were born roughly from 1965 to 1980 which means they were too young to be trad Goths or Punks but might have caught the death throes of Punk if they were precocious and unruly. They existed for certain in various contingents across the globe with their precious Ari Up sticker collections and Barking Metaphor 7 " pile. The difference between them and most of you was that their music consumption was mostly deliberate. The key songs were purchased or exchanged or perhaps heard in clubs or on very specific radio programs.

St. Nicholas lounging (poetically) in his lair.

Survival is not guaranteed let alone any type of recognition for your talent or your pain or your ideas. Most people are not recognized for anything they have done, said, thought, or preserved. We are not useful in this way and our lives remain a series of meaningless gestures that do not impact the structured lives of the general taint who are busy suffering anonymously for no cause and no care. Of course, in our minds we are all blisteringly important and exciting and vital which means we are terribly delusional and histrionic to a fault.

That one friend who introduced you to all the music as she gazes outward at something only she can see.

The key is to reach the destitute, the desperate, the scarred and scared in such a way that they feel obligated to fuel our fancies with their hard won dinero. Get them to pay us for something they did not even know they needed until it was too late to back down. Yet we fail because we haven't talent enough to rise above the mediocre and risible which means we do not actualize our aspirations. Subsequently, we have nothing to sell them and cannot even reflect their fragmented desires back at them.

Fortune smiles upon the very few who demonstrate a viable service that others are mesmerized by and this service provides a Satanic demon-stration that becomes impossible to ignore or withstand. Fast music, fast food, fast fashion all whipped up to feed the relentless, churning appetite of the perpetually bored and restless.

Do not listen to those who insist that you can do anything you set your mind to because this is one of the most pernicious lies and should not be heeded. You simply cannot be a popstar or a professional athlete or a nuclear physicist just because you really want to. Only incredibly special individuals are able to do the type of things the rest of us can merely gawk at. Or, perhaps it is different today where Fame does not carry the same meaning it did in previous eras. Music does seem extremely easy to make these days but that just might be because everyone has access to technology that requires very little musicality to operate.

The Piano may be decrepit but its Music still Haunts Me.

Nobody has to spend years becoming proficient on an instrument or even forgo a serious study by simply jumping up on a stage caterwauling, making a tremendous racket. That was thing in 1976, natch. But the refuse of those times are relegated to the dustbins of history but that does not mean they were not important at the time. I was not there but there was everywhere for a while--people just didn't know it because they couldn't see it. Still, each lousy town had its share of Teenaged jerks whose ideologies and hair and fashion gave the regulars stuff frights. Certain places produced more of these creatures and some of these began to express the venom musically. Anger, violence, smashing every pretty thing for the sheer thrill of it until some others, inspired by the Victorian age and 19th century poets and bondage and lace and the Church started drinking absinthe and masquerading about in clubs and bedrooms so that an entire way of existing developed into a military existence. Gothic interludes became an expression of severity and tyranny which ultimately led to massive hairspray bills and a seeming dearth of good humour. Why smile? Laughing is for imbeciles?

Broken Nostalgia for the Innocence of Hard Drug consumption via Stiv

The 1980s are so distant from you. I was your age in 1987 which is as far removed from you as 1950 was from me back then. Of course technology has accelerated everything so a fair comparison is categorically impossible. Still, I don't expect any child of this age to fully comprehend a Time so distant from them in every conceivable way. It is always a miracle when I read a playlist or something similar from a younger sort of person that seems to reflect a keen awareness of post-punk, new wave, goth, etc. They are the rarest ones who I cherish even though they remain mostly spectres tormenting my imagination. Admittedly they are always difficult to fully apprehend and impossible to decipher. Mystery is their preferred state and they aren't in my town presently so I go on begging.

The perennial, elusive Scott W.

It is true that we despise you for your youth because your lives are a perpetual circus of furious jumping. Certainly, some of you are anguished routinely and this should never be because the Young should not be burdened by a world that their elders have nearly ruined but that's the way it is. Joy is wasted on the young who are provided with the genuine treasure of experiencing phenomena for the first time. If they lack the capacity for wonderment everything they encounter will simply fail to elicit any type of response out of them. Most people are precisely this way in that they constantly look yet never see. You get old. It sneaks up on you and time moves faster as you age. I am 53. It seems like yesterday I was 17 and first getting into Skinny Puppy and My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. It still freaks me to think I am old enough to be the grandfather of most of you. What a paralyzing and preposterous proposition.

Release the Bats/The Birthday Party

Last Exit For the Lost/Fields of the Nephilim

Glass Houses/Skinny Puppy

My Heart is Empty/Nico

Siamese Twins/The Cure

Stone is Very, Very Cold/Spell

Terror Couple Kill Colonel/Bauhaus

Listen, Somewhat Awkward/David E. Williams

Lisa's Party/Legendary Pink Dots

Ignore the Machine/Alien Sex Fiend

Up Jumped the Devil/Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Avalanche/Leonard Cohen

Cut the Tree/The Wolfgang Press

Isolation/Joy Division

She Is Beyond Good and Evil/The Pop Group

Next/Scott Walker

Why'd ya do it?/Marianne Faithfull

Bird Song/Lene Lovich

You Don't Own Me/Klaus Nomi

Hungry, So Angry/Medium Medium

A Girl Doesn't Get Killed by a Make-Believe Lover Cuz It's Hot/My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult

Weathercade/The Creatures

Mr. Clarinet/The Birthday Party

Dusk of Hallows/Corpus Delicti

Celebrity Lifestyle/Swans

Teenage Whore/Hole

Rehab Doll/Green River

Death Valley '69/Sonic Youth (w/ Lydia Lunch

Greatest Gift/Scratch Acid

Human Cannonball/Butthole Surfers

Isle of Man-Version II/Ministry

Go to Hell/KMFDM

King of Negativity/Godhead

More Beautiful Than Barbie/The Jesus Lizard

Crow/The Southern Death Cult

Cannibal Queen/Sex Gang Children

Fields of Rape (Tibet Mix)/Death in June

Free Money/Patti Smith

It's Too Late/New York Dolls

Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell/The Stooges

Sister Ray/The Velvet Underground

Lucretia My Reflection/Sisters of Mercy

Helter Skelter/Siouxsie & the Banshees

Beauty of Poison 12 " Version/Specimen

Mirror People/Love and Rockets

Station to Station/David Bowie

Me and My Girl and the Cold Grey World/David E. Williams

A Forest Live France Jun '80/The Cure

Insecure Me (Extended Ver.)/Soft Cell

Not Any More/Dead Boys

Thieves Like Us 12 "/New Order

Who Makes the Nazis?/The Fall

Here Today/The Chameleons

The Spy in the Cab (Live)/Bauhaus

Voodoo Dolly/Siouxsie & the Banshees

Blood On the Wall/Skinny Puppy

Rituals of Love in the Passage of Genocide, Song of Rose/Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio

The Descent of Long Satan and Babylon/Current 93

Long Live Death/Sol Invictus

Love's Promise/Sieben

Eternal Soul/Blood Axis

White Knuckles/Scraping Foetus off the Wheel

Luxury/Fad Gadget

Womb/Einstürzende Neubauten

To Tirzah/Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio

Separated/Throbbing Gristle

Are You Out There?/Boyd Rice and Death in June

Beautiful Brownshirted Man/Rozz Williams

The Secret Germany/ROME

New Gold Dawn/Fields of the Nephilim

Skald au Satans Sol/Darkthrone

Déjà Vu/The Tear Garden

Zero Sex/Christian Death

Like a Prayer/Bigod 20

Decay/Sanctum

Bites and Bloody Kisses (Long Version)/Two Witches

Clown/Switchblade Symphony

Insane Asylum/Diamanda Galás

Some Kind of Stranger/Sisters of Mercy

Stagger Lee/Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

Black Betty/Lead Belly

Rape Me/Nirvana

Deity/Ministry

[faolonfiendrender]

You know, while I think earth will likely never unify, I do think it is feasible that, since it takes fucking massive amounts of resources to hop systems the first time* that you will likely have fairly unified other star systems, not monoculture states but probably only one governing body that rules most cultures in the system. Also assuming no FTL, interstellar invasions are basically all or nothing. Anything fast enough to fight between systems is probably spottable, as they will also be quite hot, so an actual invasion has multiple years of warning. The more likely methods are either dormant until they reach the site robots (obvious problem being you have autonomous killer robots), or basically shooting really big really high cohesion lasers that are basically WMDs but response time is measured in years so you might be able to prepare to neutralize your opponents return fire. Combine these and I honestly think it would be incredibly difficult for any sensible polity to surpass system sized if we are assuming humans with no suspended animation, just because it is rather hard to do something about a rebellion when the declaration of rebellion takes five years to reach the imperial core and the response takes six years, and that is assuming the core is an adjacent system. However, I do think humanity Island-hopping our way through the galaxy might work. We find a nearby solar system that we are confident doesn't have life** send people to get things up and running, engage in trade between nearby solar systems, and eventually build the next one. Humanity might at some point become a ring species because it would take several lifetimes to go from one end of human space to the other, but you could feasibly if slowly migrate between solar systems, five years is a while but it's not like you can't do other things while on a ship. Hell, it might become a common but probably not typical practice to take your career education on a ship between solar systems and go work in your new solar system.

As far as why I don't think our home system would ever unify, it's home, there are all sorts of cultural and emotional ties to small bits and old nationalistic rivalries that I'm not sure planetary unification could be stable. In the other solar systems, the first generations work together out of necessity, and by the time when that level of cooperation and not having feuding governments and peoples is not the only possible way to survive, people are used to it. *think of it like this, the first ship's job is to build space infrastructure and find a place for people to live, broadcast back and waiting around 12 years (it takes about a year to get up to near light speed at 1 g, so adding a year, on average stars are about 5 lightyears apart, so that is ~6 years not on ship perspective one way for goods, and I am assuming about a year for the first shipment to assemble but that extra year is unnecessary with proper planning I just like even numbers.)(yes I am using parenthesis for nested footnotes)

**you want lifeless rocks that could be given an ecosystem of some form, if it already has an ecosystem you are in for a world of trouble trying to deal with whatever the existing ecosystem does to humans and vice versa. Just think about the strangers cough in st. kilda, or the more extreme example of the disease exchange when Afroeurasia and America regained contact, those are probably comparatively mild and that's not touching the fun "lets find out what is edible" process.

[nineliabilityrisk]

considerably long sleep deprived blog management ramblings (+ question that i would appreciate input on) below the cut. apologies if i sound a little insane ive been up for almost 24 hours because my brain is going too fast to let me sleep (the downsides of being autistic and fixating on your own fucking five nights at freddys roleplay blog)

ive been trying to keep this blog mainly canon characters bc thats just. easier overall (dont have to explain every little thing abt them) but like. hhhfgh. i love the character dynamics the muses that i have offer me but like. they have very very concrete roles in the story. they have their Places.

now, i very much enjoy these roles. i enjoy playing them, i enjoy planning things to do with them and developing on them and i very much enjoy the way the people i play them WITH add to the dynamics on their end and add their own insight on my characters as my interpretations are not fully formed and likely never will be. yall r great im so happy to have found you guys.

but also. i have a very specific set of characters. other than the animatronics, i have the afton boys, cassie, and jeremy fitzgerald. and this specific set of characters are all very restrictive in a very specific way.

michael is. the human punching bag. this blog has just turned into me bullying him and like. not that im complaining, i just wasnt expecting the muse for him to hit me that hard. he has taken over this blog and that was not what i had planned. the thing with him is: nine times out of ten, when he is interacting with someone else, he is not a participant in a conversation. he is a target. that is just due to the nature of how his life is. he is the protagonist of a franchise of survival horror games. other than a few select family members and maybe like. henry, charlie, and jeremy, he doesnt have positive relationships with anyone. which means he is a GREAT source of angst or conflict, which i love to write, but it also means he doesnt provide many other forms of interaction. he may have a few soft moments here and there, with his mother or with henry, taking care of him and giving him reprieve from his father, but... thats about It. unless he finds some new friends, he doesnt do lighthearted, funny social interactions, and i highly doubt my michael will find any romantic partners for a long time. he is great at what he does. i just need to find balance between him and my other muses because i dont want my blog to be me just beating this poor guy up 24/7. thats just cruel.

evan - only really knows his parents, siblings, and maybe charlie. hes a baby. probably wasnt any older than five or sixish when the bite happened. very very good for soft, comforting moments. unfortunately , incredibly limited in who he could reasonably interact with. i mean, feel free to prove me wrong, but im coming up with a blank here.

cassie - also a child. would be good for more psychological horror type threads like how ruin was, but i do not feel comfortable putting her in real physical danger. mainly, just like evan, she is a muse i want to keep safe and comfortable, no matter how much it disregards canon. i am very very touchy around my younger child muses, for obvious reasons. yes, i am aware this is the Child Murder Franchise. no, i am not going to let you Child Murder my fucking elementary schoolers. full stop. also, moving on from that, likely wont get much interaction outside of security breach muses or muses with sb verses. once again, constricting.

and then theres jeremy. lets be real here. he has no canon connections to anyone. hes the only one with any actual connection to the fnaf 2 location, and thats just about all we know about him. obviously, hes basically an oc already. my jeremy is close to michaels age, so hes not gonna be involved with just about anyone else - hes just fucking here, basically. just SITTING here. hes my favorite child i wanna play him so bad im here waving him frantically at passersby hoping for interaction but its no use because theres nothing to work off of to START interactions. that is nobodys fault but mine. my dumb ass got attached to Background Character #43 and now i cant let him go. hes the abandoned doll collecting dust on the corner of the shelf because nobody plays with him. he barely exists.

BASICALLY, all of that mess was to say that i need to diversify my roster - i need a muse that i can throw at whoever i want. no pre-existing canon connections to anyone to complicate things, no timeline constraints until we possibly build one of our own, just, fucking. Miscellaneous Fazbear Entertainment Employee #4067 that i can put in Situations.

if i actually went through with making a fnaf muse like that, would anyone be interested in interacting with him or would i just be making a guy in my brain and then putting him on the shelf next to jeremy?? genuine question please help.

[princepestilence]

NYR: June in review

Post-June horoscope: I didn’t come this far to only come this far.

A month ago I predicted that the difficulties of work would be “getting easier soon” and while that has technically happened by this point, it was an incredibly long and arduous three weeks. I did also predict that I would be all kinds of grateful to finally reach the end of June, and oh boy am I. The start of June feels like years ago. 

In June:

survived work. I do not feel like I was well-prepared for that whole hurricane of circus chaos, but it’s over now and I definitely feel like I’ve levelled up my ability to deal with idiot logistics on the fly, so there is that. I think when I’ve had more time to reset I’ll feel glad to have been involved in this little piece of Australian arts history, but for now, [raspberry noise] [rude gesture] 

a year at the “new” job! It’s been a full year since I started here, which is really surreal to think about, because it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’ve been there for way way longer, and it spins my head a little to think how much has changed in twelve months. And also how much of it is great!

Duolingo every day. Achieved! I’ve been enjoying it. It’s becoming part of my little habits and I’m looking forward to spending more time on Japanese next year once I’m not weighed down by my thesis. 

went to a zine fair. It was fun, but a bit intense. Definitely keeping an eye out for other festivals and fairs, though. 

went to a writing festival. This one was a surprise! I hadn’t intended to go because we’re trying to be thrifty (see below) but I wound up with a free VIP ticket and wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. I enjoyed it, although one of the panels was a big let-down and I’m still a bit put out about it over a week later. 

first major home repairs. Our boiler died (how typical to do that mid-winter) and had to be replaced, which is our first major expense since moving in -- besides, you know, the normal expenses of mortgage and rates and utilities and whatever else. It has made the hot water work much nicer, so at least there’s that. 

In July, I will:

do so much for my thesis. I’m off work now for a few weeks to play catch up on my dissertation properly and I am feeling energised about that, and excited to finally be so close to a finished product. This is the big goal for this month. 

chair the next committee meeting. We’ve got a lot to work on and I’ve honestly only barely kept on top of emails in this past month, so I’ll scramble to get up-to-date these next couple of weeks as well. It’s crazy how fast other things like this snowball when you’re run off your feet with circus nonsense. 

start planning for my birthday. It’ll be in November but I want to lock in the date and venue and get invitations out early so people can plan around that, since quite a few people are travelling and / or living busy lives. Very happy with the theme I’ve finally settled on, I think it’s going to look gorgeous. 

If I manage all of this the way I want, I will be absolutely thrilled. Here’s hoping! 

[m5ria]

Chapter 2: The Realization

Warnings: blood; rape; violence; death

The forest led to the outskirts of a town. I see I am at a dead end of a short street full of houses. There are no people. The buildings look as if abandoned, but they’re not dusty. Plus, I smell the living. 

I have to be careful from now on. I don’t know these people, if they heard about me. About what happened.

I sneak behind fences, looking for anything useful. After a few paces, I see on the ground a big triangular shard. I take it, cutting myself by mistake in the process. I try to look at my reflection. 

Everything I feared came to reality. My face is a combination between my human one and a wolf’s. I see my hair is still the same mundane color I had before: dark brown with lighter brown at the tips. The only human aspect about my appearance. It hardly looks well on my gray face. 

However, the thing that shall create me nightmares from now on is something else entirely. The white part of my eyes is pitch black and my pupils are light blue. I am terrified of myself right now, yet my eyes look back at me as if they plan my murder.

I drop the shard and it breaks at my feet. My boots are shredded and long claws come out. Now, they’re red from my blood. 

I have to stop bleeding so much!

The scent of blood is circling me, giving me nausea. I’ve never particularly enjoyed blood, yet I was never against spilling it if it meant my survival. However, now I have to cover my smell or else others shall arrive, others that might have the same incredible smelling senses as myself.

I rip half of my T-shirt with my claws and wrap my left hand in it. As for my lip wound, I can’t do anything yet. 

I keep on sneaking on the street, studying each of the houses. There’s literally nobody. No rest of food too. I can get in one of the houses maybe, and see if it has at least a sink with water as I already feel thirsty. 

Yes, this is the plan.

I choose a house based on my rapid analysis of it and walk slowly to it, eyes and ears everywhere. It is horribly silent nearby, with only a buzz from distance. 

I grab the handle and see if it’s locked. But, as I suspected, it’s not. 

How did I know it? 

I unhurriedly open the door, already sniffing for someone. I look around. It, surprisingly, looks like a regular house. Living room on the right, stairs on the left, kitchen in front. 

I walk into the kitchen and go for the sink. I let the water flow, watching. I expected it to be brown, red, green. Whatever color. But it looks regular. Normal. Suspicious.

I sniff it. For the first time in my (after)life, I can smell water. And it seems it’s water. 

I start drinking. I half-expected to drink like a dog, but I don’t have a muzzle, nor a long tongue. 

The water doesn’t taste fresh, like spring water. It tastes... unoxygenated. But it’s still water. And I am thirsty.

I almost didn't hear the sudden noise, so relieved drinking. But my ears moved on instinct and so did I. I looked around me fast, grabbing a knife from the counter and hiding it behind. The second I finished, I glanced at the doorway where a creature just appeared. Not walked in. Appeared.

It turns around and I stare horrified at it. Him? Is he a he?

He’s enormous, with a full chest and biceps and a... coyote head. He wears a sleeveless T-shirt, looking as if he’d return from the gym if it weren’t for the skinny jeans that only accentuate his slim legs. I half expect him to fall on one side or another.

I realize I have no way of hiding when I see him sniffing. I know already he picked on me before he turned his head to the kitchen. To the frightened little wolf girl.

“Who the fuck are you?” he roars.

I have an instinct of grabbing my knife, but I resist it. I already looked for escape ways, so I keep my eyes on him, not giving him any clue of weakness, as he approaches slowly.

“Apologize, sir,” I start saying with a retained voice, “I was thirsty and I couldn’t find a shop around to buy myself a bottle of water.”

I realize I could have lied better. I could have come up with a better excuse for intruding in one’s home. But I am not good at talking. Especially spontaneous talking.

“A shop?” he starts laughing, settling his hands on the other part of the island counter. “That’s a good one!”

I look at him, trying to decide the level of threat he’s imposing. Right now, he looks like a child laughing at a good dad joke, but I know better. 

“I am deeply sorry for intruding,” I keep on my polite tone. “I assure you I only drank water. I’ll leave now.”

“Wait! Wait! Wait!” he stops me with a hand.

Of course.

“What’s your name?”

“Julia.”

I can’t give my name like this to anyone.

“Julia, you must be hungry too!” he wonders. 

I am, but he doesn’t have to know that.

“Not really.”

“Please, I insist!” he urges. “I cooked my mother’s favorite soup!”

He bypasses the island counter to get to the fridge. Now, we’re on the same side of the counter. I already feel claustrophobic.

“There’s no need to do that!” I say. Everything in me tells me to take a step back, but I can’t show any sign of fear.

“Nonsense!” he closes the fridge door with a bowl in his hand. “You’ll make me very delighted as I miss companionship during dinners!”

Red flag!

He’s single in a big house like this. A family house. I scented faded traces of discarded toys or nail polish. He was not alone. 

“I must be on my way,” I state, slowly bypassing the island counter on the other way. “My family awaits me.”

“You have your whole family in here?” he asks curiously. “Wow, you must have really been something in life.”

I stop myself despite reason. What does he mean by that?

“Don’t worry,” he approaches me, his hands meaning to reassure me. “I don’t judge.”

“Thanks,” I say bluntly, not knowing an iota of what he’s meaning. The only thing I focus on is how close he is. He is three feet away.

“Yes, yes,” he smiles at me. “I don’t judge pretty girls based on their past life.”

And, with that, he launches at me. I jump to my right with unknown agility, but he still grabs my hurt hand, making me wince.

“Where do you hurry, sweetheart?” he asks, bringing me close. “We’re supposed to have dinner!”

“I don’t want any fucking dinner!” I shout in his face.

“And,” he proceeds on, ignoring me, “I suppose a little snack before dinner wouldn’t hurt.”

He grabs my whole body, closing the gap between us. I start to slowly panic. I hate being touched, foreign human proximity. And this coyote man all over my body feels like it burns my skin with toxins.

Think!

My right hand sneaks to my back.

My stillness probably suggested to him there’s not going to be any struggle as he proceeds on saying: “Good girl!” Then he leans his teeth to my neck.

I grab my knife and stab him in the belly. At the same time, he bites my neck.

Pain surges through my body, both physical and psychological. I realize pain after death is the same pain. Or maybe even worse.

Anger fills me and I twist the knife. He lets go of my neck and makes a few steps back, bewildered by his wound.

Then, he looks at me mad before launching at me again: “Bitch!”

He grabs the hand with the knife and forces my palm to unclasp. The knife falls loosely to the ground, the only hope I had going.

“You... are going to suffer!”

He grabs me and throws me on the island counter. I fight helplessly as he gets on top of me and pins my hands. I start yelling, panic starting to flow in me, but he presses his disgusting muzzle on my mouth to keep me shut. 

“Quit crying, bitch,” he whispers in my mouth. “Nobody can hear you.”

He starts licking my cheeks and I shudder with terror. 

Think!

I try to ignore his touches and think of a way to escape. His weak spots. He’s powerful. I can’t push him. But his lower body? His legs? They're too slim.

I kick my knee in his crotch. He wails in pain, rising to his knees, but still holding me captive. He’s a cage around me.

“If there’s a third time, sweetheart, I’ll make sure you’ll beg for my mercy!”

I don’t have time to listen. I strike my free leg as strongly as I can to his legs. I underestimated my power as I not only got him off of me, but he fell off the table, and then on the ground.

I stand up quickly and grab the knife on the floor. Before anything happens, I start stabbing him in the chest, multiple times. I feel so much rage, disgust, and blood thirst that I stab him with one hand and claw him with the other. His screams are music to my ears. 

After maybe some seconds, or minutes, or hours, I breathe hard and stand, spitting on him. I judge that he’s going to die soon, so I start walking. He tries to say something, blood coming from his mouth. I don’t stop to listen to him, but my ears pick on what he said:

“You’ll never survive down here!”

And then he laughs uproariously. 

The audacity of laughing on the brink of death brings me to the breaking point. I return, ready for another round of stabbing, my blood already boiling.

I lean over him, my knife positioned on his neck, and whisper: “I guess I’ll have to find out. Pity you won’t.”

While I slice his neck open, he stutters his last words:

“Hell has no pity.”

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter

Masterlist

[deathspeaker]

At a loss..

So my father died in February and I’ve been struggling in many ways. Financially is the most obvious one as lack of money is basically my #1 issue.

My rent is 1,100$, I don’t have to pay it for a bit because of my father’s life insurance going to that. But food stamps got cut in half in my state (Because hunger is a great motivator as republicans like to point out) and with summer coming in full force my power bill is going out of control.

On top of that I have to pay other bills, water, internet, cellphone, fuck I’m stuck paying off my father’s phone that we got in January and they wouldn’t let me return it because the 30 day period had passed. So I have this phone that’s useless to me that I can’t do anything with till it’s paid off. I can’t even delete the line until it’s paid off!

So I went out and got a job. It’s for a hardware store (the blue one) and while I love the job it turns out my store manager is the worst manager I’ve ever met in my life. She’s basically driven away more than half her employees and is struggling to replace them with new ones. Everyone there hates her guts. She is incredibly disrespectful and tries to find excuses to yell at her employees, often about nonsensical things (like about me ‘not finishing my list’ which my manager hasn’t updated in 5 days so... you know... BEEN DONE) or ordering me to restock things that we are out of stock with. I nearly walked out of the job the second she rolled her eyes at me.

But she’ll likely be fired in the next few weeks.

The other issue is that I told them I am disabled and can only work 6 hour shifts. But the memo didn’t get passed onto the person who makes the schedule who decided I need to be given 8-9 hour shifts. I had to take a day off (for a total of 3 because I was scheduled off the day before and after the day I took off) because I was in so much physical pain. I’ve rested for 3 days now and I’m still in great pain. So I’m going to have to tell them to change my hours because it will literally cripple me to keep working those long of shifts.

I actually legitimately enjoy the job, my co-workers and the customers, it’s just the whole... risking being crippled and an abusive shitty store manager.

I’ve been looking at other jobs (in case the store manager sticks around for some strange reason) and I’m just... floundering... I do NOT want to fucking work 40 hours a week and be left with virtually no time to myself, and I’m only being paid 14.33$ an hour which is practically a joke. I don’t know what career to look into, what kind of job I could possibly manage.

I’m am legitimately GOOD at retail work, I can handle customers very well and know how to talk to people of all walks of life (fuck I’m learning Spanish so I can help the Spanish speakers who come into the store!). But retail work tends to just... pay shit.

But I have no education past high school, I have a variety of skills and I’m very computer literate and a fairly fast learner but so many jobs want so much from their employees. Like, I saw a fucking listing that demanded an associate’s degree for a sales job. Why would I need a fucking degree to sell kitchen cabinets? I could do that in my fucking sleep. And yes, it was a requirement.

How does an autistic, disabled person with no higher education even find a job that pays well enough to allow enough free-time to not be soul crushing and to survive semi-comfortably on.

I’m really struggling with the whole... will to live.

[24hlevi]

can I request headcanons of mikey, smiley and draken dating a tall male s/o who fights with a katana blade and they are really badass. They fight kinda like a hashira and they are just really strong and super cool.

OH MY GOD YES

Mikey, Smiley, & Draken Dating A Tall Male!Reader Who Fights With A Katana Blade

Sano “Mikey” Manjiro:

- mikey always knew that you could handle yourself, you were already much taller than him and had a muscular build but when the fight against moebius had begun and you showed up with the rest of toman and a new katana on your back, he immediately knew this was going to be a fun fight

- he had only seen you use your katana once and it was when you were protecting him from a rival gang member and you took them out without even getting blood on the blade

- so he knew when you showed up with it that it meant you were definitely going to use it

- everything was going well for the beginning of the fight, you didn’t even have to take out your blade

- but as soon as you heard “draken’s been stabbed!” you knew that it was time to take it out

- mikey and you were rushing towards draken while pushing past people and occasionally knocking them to the ground when you finally reached him

- “i’ll cover draken, you get him out.” you said to takemichi who was right beside draken

- “ME?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

- “figure it out. now let’s go.” you lifted up draken and helped lean him against takemichi before attempting to get out of the battlefield

- mikey was watching the whole time to make sure that none of you got hurt, or more hurt, before he went back to fighting

- while you were covering draken and takemichi, multiple moebius members were coming at you and you decided that if they brought out knives, then you can sure as hell bring out your own huge knife (the katana)

- unsheathing the blade, you began to swing it at anyone who was running up on you three, and making sure they stayed down

- now there was blood on your sword, not much, but still enough for anyone to call the police over

- by the time the police came, you had already cleaned and put your sword back on your hip, driving alongside mikey on your motorcycle to the hospital to find draken

- thankfully everything went well and draken survived

- and everyone in toman and moebius knew, don’t fuck with invincible mikey and sword-holder y/n

- mikey would want to learn how you use the sword, but would never want to try it out because he doesn’t want to take away the wow factor from you

- but he would totally watch you train with it and see how you’re supposed to use it the correct way

- calls you his “hot sword swinging boyfriend”

Kawata “Smiley” Nahoya:

- smiley would be the one that would think you were the most badass imo

- like it doesn’t even need to be a life or death fight where you don’t stab, he just thinks that you’re fucking awesome

- when it came down to the valhalla fight on halloween, you both were standing beside each other with smiles on your faces, knowing damn well toman was going to win

- as soon as it got started you two went to town beside each other, making sure that no one would hit or injure the other

- since you’re taller than him, he would make so much fun out of ducking under you and hitting one guy for you to hit the taller guy with your sword

- also loves jumping on your back and jumping off of you onto the guys below him

- would love if you taught him how to use your sword because it means spending time together by yourselves and without angry always with him

- but he would only want to learn a little so he doesn’t steal your thunder whenever you brought it out

- smiley loves wrestling around with you even if you’re taller because he thinks it’ll be better “training” for when he fights taller guys

- has only seen you stab a person with it once because multiple guys were ganging up on him and you flipped out and stabbed one of them out of anger

- but it never happened again because he told you not to even if he was getting beat up or seriously hurt

- whenever you two are standing beside each other right before a gang fight or in a toman meeting you both are smiling so that everyone can immediately know that you two were at least close

- sometimes he’ll just sit on your back or shoulders like a little kid when in a meeting or when with the other members that he’s comfortable around

- for your birthday he bought you a brand new case and katana as a way to show his appreciation towards you

Ryuguji “Draken” Ken:

- first of all if you’re taller than him then damn he will never admit that he hates that you’re taller than him

- but once he saw you fight he realized it was better to stay on your good side and never piss you off

- it was the valhalla fight and it was going to be a serious one and both you and draken knew that

- so you came equipped with your new katana that you had been wanting to use and when draken saw you with it he immediately knew that you weren’t gonna play this time

- so he wasn’t gonna either because he can’t let you beat him

- so it sorta became an unspoken competition between you two

- so there you two were, fighting beside each other while the rival gang was staring at you with wide eyes

- “it’s the vice president and his boyfriend!” they said with scared looks

- it wasn’t until that kazutora was holding down mikey and hitting him with a pipe that you finally unsheathed the blade and started to go to town

- despite being extremely tall you were incredibly fast and running past everyone in your way and hitting them with the end of your katana, not even getting blood on it

- when it was you and draken up against hanma, you didn’t hesitate as you quickly ran up to him and jumped, kicking him in the chest and onto the ground and holding the blade to his neck

- everyone in toman knew from that day on to not fuck with you or draken

- draken would totally want to learn how you use the sword as he’s just fascinated with you being able to move so fast and not cut anyone up but still keep them on the ground

- plus he thought you looked badass as hell when you were in the toman uniform and fighting alongside him

[leportraitducadavre]

Naruto re-read XV

Chapters covered: 109 - 117 Thirteenth Volume of the manga

Site used: https://manga4life.com/manga/Naruto (VIZ translation of the manga)

Disclaimer: This is intended as a list and simple observations of the topics that particularly interested me in the aforementioned chapters, in that sense, do not expect a linear -or totally deep- analysis.

Tumblr’s update doesn’t allow me to attach more than 10 pictures, therefore, all of them will be LINKED. Apologies.

187) Doesn’t this particular phrase (platoon leader with the ability to protect and safely get one’s soldiers out of danger) contradicts Sakumo’s fate after he chose to save his comrades? On that same page there’s a crucial aspect of every Intelligence Gathering Team (such as Team 10): Besides collecting information, the team must guarantee at least one survivor that can pass on the knowledge (or, at least, a way to communicate the information), none other team is expected to assure such thing; perhaps the reaction of Konoha to Sakumo’s decision comes from the fact that their survival wasn’t as important as the success in their duty. Does that mean that teams such as Team 7, Team 8, and Team Guy are mostly viewed as expendable? (I am aware that all of the soldiers are viewed in such light, I’m specifically referring to such an idea when already inside that “disposable spectrum”).

188) The way Naruto lights up when thinking of Sasuke, lmao, he’s a fan

189) Kakashi is literally the most irresponsible adult amongst Jönin-sensei, he almost makes Sasuke loose due to him not reaching the arena on time, he’s lucky Orochimaru was obsessed enough to ask for more time.

190) I don’t get it (although I know is a comedic sketch), why wouldn’t Ino cheer for Sasuke? Shikamaru’s match finished, what is she supposed to do? Let her cheer for her crush, Chöji!

191) People are shouting “The Last of the Uchiha clan!”, did Sakura truly not know Sasuke was an orphan back when she complained about Naruto or she was just that careless?

192) Quick reminder of Gaara’s killing spree.

193) Why is Sakura asking in front of everyone about Sasuke’s mark? 

194) Sasuke is as fast as Lee’s speed (without his weights) after a few weeks of training (it hasn’t been the whole month since he was hospitalized).

195) Did Sakura realize there was a genjutsu in place or did she mimic Kakashi and Guy’s reaction? They were next to her when they released the genjutsu, and were the only ones to be shown to realize there was an illusion in place.

196) “You’re already at Chünin Level. If you consider yourself a Konoha Shinobi, do something useful…” (x)

197) Orochimaru literally says that the Hokage is the one who chooses the next leader. In the same manner, shinobis don’t seem to know the reason behind Orochimaru’s escape, they think is a vendetta against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be the Fourth Hokage. Did Hiruzen truly protect him to the extent of hiding his experiments even after his desertion?

198) Orochimaru saddens at the thought of killing his mentor, yet stabs himself to get past that feeling.

199) Kakashi says that Sakura has a talent for Genjutsu, but we only saw her dispelling one once, at the beginning of the invasion. Sasuke was the one that told her about the Genjutsu in place at the beginning of the Chünin exam. At most, it seems Sakura was talented to release herself and others from a simple genjutsu and nothing else, she never casts one and never does anything with this supposed “talent” ever again (also, see point 195 for further questions about whether Sakura realized there was a genjutsu or she just mimicked the Jönins in the vicinity), it’s possible that Kakashi wanted to “lift her spirits” in order to send her with a high-esteem to the mission.

200) Kakashi is incredibly lucky Shino decided to follow Sakura, Naruto, and Shikamaru.

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