#the quote at the end breaks my heart because it should get a fair chance and he puts out good music

[roydeezed]

Weekly Shonen Jump Manga Round-Up(2023-04-10)

It’s time for another weekly manga review! Where I’ll talk about any thoughts I’ve had on manga that were released this sunday. The ones which I care about and have extensive thoughts on will get their own sections while the others will be packaged into one paragraph at the end. I also packaged the one Naruto spin-off chapter that dropped earlier this week into this post. We get the end of a manga I was really rooting for and the start of another one that I can see myself falling in love with. You can read my thoughts on all the series below past the “Keep reading”! See ya down there!

Ginka and Gluna(Chapter 29)

So it happened… Ginka and Gluna is over. I can’t help be reminded of The Hunters Guild: Red Hood with this ending. Both are these existential musings on what it was like to exist in Jump. But Ginka and Gluna’s ending breaks my heart. With the revelation that he lied at the beginning of the series that magic can do anything, Ginka acts as a surrogate for the authour that tells us that sometimes we just fail. And there’s not much we can do beyond that. I don’t know how many people read it and how many people identified the raw emotions in this chapter but I wanted to say that I get it Shinpei Watanabe. You tried. And it was great. The ritual to help Gluna failing mirrors the feeling of this manga getting axed. But the authour doesn’t let it end there. With the kernel of hope that this may not have succeeded but it wasn’t a failure. Ginka may not have been able to restore all of her memories but he got one back. And that’s not a failure. This manga might have gotten canceled but it was published in Jump. That’s not a failure. They’re both successes and next time it will be better. I know it’s a weird thing to say about a shounen series but I think things like this are why art exists. Because I can feel the pain behind this. And I feel like the authour got out a lot of their ain on the page with this chapter. And not just their pain but their hopes too. I’ll look forward to the next work by Shinpei Watanabe.

Cipher Academy(Chapter 19)

Cipher Academy continues it’s game of leaky poker and spends most of this chapter strengthening the view we have of our four main characters. Yosaimura continues being the absolute coolest by resetting the game in Iroha’s favour as she views him as having earned the number one spot. I really love her dedication to fairness but I can't help but think that she’s being built up to fail. “All’s fair in love and war” is such a cliched quote but it keeps ringing in my ear everytime Yosaimura does something noble. I think she might one day be used to brutally and violently set the stakes. If this is that kind of manga. But her making it fair is also a selfish and egotistical move which I also love because it colours her character in such a unique way. Yosaimura absolutely knows how good she is and the fact that she believes she hasn’t had the chance to prove it should be scary for the others. Toshusai on the other hand busts on to the scene in this chapter and proves why she is as prominent as she is. She’s figured out the game before any others. But in doing so she also take Yosaimura’s bait. The way I see it so far is that Iroha figures out people more than anything. And Toshusai figures out the game. I think Ano figures out the system underlying all of that and is waiting for the right time to move. She’s always been characterized as patient and waiting for the right time to move. Though by going first Toshusai may have taken Yosaimura’s bait, she’s still a formidable opponent. I think by the end of this game we’ll see Yosaimura’s overwhelming abilities and charisma.

Blue Box(Chapter 96)

This chapter was adorable. While most of it was a lot of empty space, I really appreciated that as it built a wonderful sense of ambience. One that’s beautifully reminiscent of how warm and close christmas time during school actually used to feel. And then the moments between Taiki and Natsu are so gosh darn sweet. Natsu learnt how much he did for her and even then the was insistent on not taking credit. For a moment there when he said he was just returning the favour, I thought it would be an excuse to reset the status quo but I’m glad they progressed the relationship between the two. While in the early days of this manga it used to move somewhat stilted, recently the chemistry between the two has become smooth, all quite naturally. These two are just so cute. The above panel says everything it needs to.

Akane-Banashi(Chapter 57)

Karashi remarking that Hikaru caught the bug is one of the realest and most relatable moments in this manga. Anyone who’s gotten interested in a hobby or a sport has had that exact moment. Where they catch the bug and doing the hobby become synonymous with breathing, an exhale of relief each time you get to exercise that muscle. Akane-Banashi is genius because it makes you understand how that could happen to someone. It shows the passion behind Rakugo full well knowing that it’s readers are the farthest things from actual Rakugo performers. It’s a skill so rare as a storyteller but it’s one nearly unnoticeable. To make the reader fall in love with the subject matter as much as the force behind it has. It’s something that’s most apparent in Speilberg films. This charisma from the work itself that charms you. That drive of Hikaru to prove to Akane, one of the people who got her into the art, that she’s capable, is fueled by passion and rivalry, but also a deep respect, a need to be acknowledged by one you consider superior. Sometimes it’s about the other person too. I’m really liking the idea of Hikaru as a rival to Akane because a lot of the punch that Akane had was that she was a woman in a male dominated art and now having someone at her level who can do things she can’t produces a really interesting dynamic. The story is also a parallel of their relationship. Chasing a hobby is like chasing a high and that’s what Hikaru is doing. But knowingly or not, she’s just given Akane that same high. Akane is a competitor. When people call themselves competitive they mean they’re someone like Akane, and a competitor will never turn down a good rival. Having someone to chase after as well as race alongside is something that no competitor worth their salt will ever turn down. Being at the top is great but not if no one’s challenging you for it. It’s the struggle that makes it all worth it.

Tenmaku Cinema(Chapter 1)

I was one of the weird little freaks that was really into Food Wars because of its story and romance plot. There was a panel of Soma and Erina on a train and looking up at a starry sky that still sticks with me. So when I read this was from the same team I was really intrigued. Starting off the manga with a few panels of the main character taking away a miniscule amountof points from a film for the smallest details really worried me because I am very wary about those types of people. The ones that rank and rate films. Mainly because I used to be one of those insufferable my-opinion-is-gospel types. And I kind of still am but I have a little bit more self awareness. But, to get back to the manga, I was hesitant. But seeing the main character be a complete film dork while in a story reminiscent of Hiakru No Go gives me so much hope. I vibe so much with Hajime. Him being perceived as a Chunni is also hilarious. A ghost promising to be good while begging to possess your arm is also comedy gold and its something that didn’t have a chance to prop itself up in Food Wars, as comedy didn’t really get a main seat in that series. Really nothing did other than the fan service. So I’m glad these comedy chops are on display here cause they are excellent. Ryu Shirakawa being the director who’s praised by Speilberg and Lucas must mean he’s an analogue for Akira Kurasawa. He’s even wearing his hat. And the movies must be a reference to Seven Samurai, Rashoman, and Ran. Oh no, I’m going to really love this manga aren’t I? A director, a screenwriter and an actress! We have all the parts of a movie! Just a camera, audio equipment, crew and locations to get. All in the middle of a busy school year. I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

THE LEFTOVERS

In Sasuke’s Story-The Uchiha and the Heavenly Stardust(Chapter 9) we get the climax of the story with Zansul being defeated and us finding out about Jiji’s backstory and him getting an off screened redemption/reward. There was also a goodbye to Meno. Most of this series has been rough but in this chapter I saw a little glimpse of the classic Kishimoto heart. It’s probably for the best it ends next week though. Me & Roboco(Chapter 132) actually had a great horror themed chapter this week. Akane picks up a diary from an antiques dealer and it predicts the day ahead before suddenly predicting her death in a Needful Things-esque chapter. I sincerely hope the authour goes into horror manga after their run on Roboco is done because they’ve got the chops for it. It’s something that I love about gag manga that isn’t taken advantage of enough, and that’s the ability to dip into a thousand different genres and come out the other side unscathed because it’s a gag manga. The art for the horror was also done extremely well. Ichigoki’s Under Control!!(Chapter 18) continued what seems to be the wrap-up to the series in another serviceable chapter. It’s really insightful to contrast it with Me & Roboco because it shows where Roboco succeeds as while both are gag manga, Roboco understands a baseline of believability needs to be established.

I feel like while Fabricant 100(Chapter 17) improves with each chapter it also loses a lot of it’s unique spark as it becomes a more traditional shounen series. Which is ironic because the power system they’ve developed is known as spark, letting each combatant get enhanced powers through a part of their body. It looks like there’s a lot of room for innovation and creativity with this power system and the authour is solid enough that I’ll look forward to how it devlops. More than the power system, I’m fascinated with the character this chapter introduces, Ayako, and the background dealings being established. Ayako is fascinating in her doublespeak and highlights the prominent series theme of perception versus presentation versus reality. Though this shounen-ification is necessary to keep going, I hope Fabricant 100 keeps its unique spark going forward. In Mission: Yozakura Family(Chapter 173) Taiyo saves his kids and we get some cute moments and some background information before setting up for the next step in the story. Mashle: Magic and Muscles(Chapter 151) gives us a rare emotional moment as the supporting cast get their due and put their life on the line for Mashle, a man that has definitely helped them in life in ways they would not have been able to do on their own. Okay, that might be a little sarcastic but the desire to play board games with his friends again was a pretty earnest plea that resonated. 

Sometimes with Witch Watch(Chapter 104) it’s hard to say anything substantive other than it’s damn funny. The dramatic irony of Witch Watch is always top tier and the writing is always just perfect. But it looks like this chapter took one more step towards Nico telling Moi about her true feelings. Though I do forget what the exact conditions of the curse Moi is under, I might have to reread that part again, I think it was something like he’s bound to feel protective towards her? The main thing that always turned me off The Elusive Samurai(Chapter 105) was that it was hard to pin down what kind of antagonist Ashikaga Takauji was, especially as the main antagonist. But learning that it was intentional is certainly interesting. I really loved Assasination Classroom and I’m an advocate of series running long enough to find their footing or for readers to find something in the series so I am definitely down to give this manga more of a chance going forward.

The Ichinose Family's Deadly Sins(Chapter 20) follows Tsubasa as he tries to pretend he didn’t learn the truth but with persistence from his grandfather confronts it. Tsubasa’s grandfather is gruff but has a sweet side and it also shows that his time before the coma wasn’t all negative, though they did all struggle to connect. It does make me wonder if the grandfather in his dreams is the real grandfather or one he made up. Once again the situation resets to Tsubasa asking Sota and it makes me wonder if resetting these situations is a part of the overall structure of the manga. I feel like serialized manga, especially in Jump, is a panster’s game but Taizan5 feels way more like a plotter, so I wonder how far ahead they have it planned out. I’m really digging the dynamics in Sakamoto Days(Chapter 114). It’s fast and bouncy and plays well off of each character. While I worry a flash back to the present won’t hold the same amount of enjoyment, I’m along for the ride for now. Since Sakamoto has been kind of an omniscient presence in the present day, it’s always been hard to see what makes him unique. Being able to go back to the past and break down his abilities in the context of equally skilled fighters is a really great by-product of this arc. I haven’t really paid much attention to the way the organization works and how characters relate to each other as I only recently began to really get into Sakamoto Days, but this heel turn from Uzuki, it makes me want to go back and reread it.

Nico becoming Fuuko’s closest confidant in Undead Unluck(Chapter 154) in Andy’s absence really highlights the strength of this new arc. As a leader and someone not relying on Andy, Fuuko has not only learned to be able to direct people, but also take feedback and trust in her most capable and relevant companions. And Nico is both in this case. Sukuna’s fight concludes in Jujutsu Kaisen(Chapter 219) while we get a little bit of a backstory. We also see a sphere attack that took me straight back to a manga called Psyren for a bit there before ending with a glimpse at Megumi. 

[elceeu2morrow]

By Mark Savage BBC Music Correspondent

For some pop stars, tour burnout is an increasing problem, with Justin Bieber, Sam Fender and Shawn Mendes cancelling concerts for the sake of their mental and physical health. Despite a major tour this year, former One Direction star Louis Tomlinson has avoided the curse.

Tomlinson says he's never happier than when he's on the road.

"I just love the lifestyle," he says. "Maybe a little bit too much."

The former boy band member can sympathise with those who find the late nights, constant travel and feelings of dislocation playing havoc with their body's chemistry, and having an impact on their strength and resilience.

He's seen up close the toll that touring took on his old bandmate Zayn Malik, whose panic attacks eventually forced him to stop playing live.

But the secret to staying on an even keel, Tomlinson believes, is avoiding hotel rooms. "Eventually, you lose the feeling of home." Instead, he sleeps on the tour bus with his band, settling into a bunk "that stays the same every day".

"I'm not one of those people who demands a master bedroom at the back of the bus," he says. "As if I'm going to climb into my double bed and say goodnight to the band as they crawl into tiny bunks. No.

"My bunk is like all of the others. And it's the best night's sleep you can get. Once you've shut that curtain and all the lights are off, it's pitch black and the noise of the engine just lulls you to sleep. It's dead nice, man."

The singer has spent the best part of 2022 on tour, playing 80 shows to more than half a million fans in America, Iceland, Argentina, Australia, Mexico, Chile and the UK.

"Without being too grumpy about all the other sides of my job, touring is the truest form of what I do," he says. "Radio, press interviews, record labels... there's so much mystery within that. You know, 'I hope that if I do this, it means this is going to happen'.

"On tour, what you see is what you get. People have paid money to come and watch your show and you get an instant reaction. There's no complication in the middle. You're not trying to read between the lines."

Tomlinson has a reputation for giving interviewers a hard time. "Just to clarify on that, I never mind getting asked about One Direction," he says. "I loved my time in that band."

He says he only bites back, as he did after a previous BBC interview, "when people are divisive and I feel they're trying to get a headline out of me".

He's keen to talk about his tour - which seems to have been a vindication of sorts.

Although he was the most active songwriter in One Direction, with credits on hits like Story Of My Life and Drag Me Down, Tomlinson's solo career hasn't quite gone the way he planned.

On Spotify, he has five million monthly listeners - a figure most artists would kill for, but one that's dwarfed by his former bandmates (Harry Styles, the most successful of the quintet, is on 70 million).

In 2019, after Tomlinson's third solo single, Miss You, entered the charts at a lowly number 39, he declared that he wanted to stop concentrating on chart positions and rethink "what success means to me".

"I won't say it was a daily struggle, but maybe a weekly struggle," he says of that period.

"Obviously my experience in One Direction is the pinnacle. We got played on radio all the time but my last album didn't. Not really.

"To be fair, there wasn't really a song that would fit that well on radio. But what I find interesting is that I'm lucky enough to have the ability to tour globally, but I might not get the support I need on radio. That feels like a slight contradiction to me."

Tomlinson was hoping his second album would change that. His comeback single Bigger Than Me mixes old school guitar-pop with an anthemic chorus that breaks like a wave.

"I wanted my first single to feel ambitious and to have a certain scale, hence the big chorus," he smiles.

Although it briefly made it into America's airplay chart at number 48, it has faltered in the UK, missing the charts in his home country.

Lyrically, it's about letting go of self-doubt and shutting out negative voices. It's a topic that the star, who turned 30 last year, kept revisiting in the studio.

"For a while, even the idea of getting older was really scary to me, because I spent my youth in the band and I still felt very youthful," he says.

Even becoming a father to his first son, Freddie, in 2014 didn't force him into adulthood. "There was always an element of, when I was with Freddie, I'd put my adult dad hat on. And then, when I was doing my work or when I was with my mates, I'd be in a kind of limbo, really.

"I suppose lockdown was the first time when I just embraced everything and [stopped] resisting those changes."

Coming of age is a theme that surfaces throughout his new album, Faith In The Future.

On Face The Music, he philosophises that "good and bad and right and wrong are stories made up when we are young to scare us".

Common People (not a cover of the Pulp classic) is about reconnecting with his roots in Doncaster. "When I get lost, I go back to where I started," he sings.

"That song's just trying to capture how amazing the people are there. If you're one of us, we'll hold out our arms and we'll embrace you."

Faith In The Future is dedicated to his avid fanbase. The propulsive opening track, The Greatest, is a celebration of their relationship.

He acknowledges that he may have tested their loyalty on his first album, Walls. The first few singles were chart-chasing dance-pop crossovers with Steve Aoki and Bebe Rexha that represented "what I thought I should be doing, as opposed to what I really wanted".

The rest of the album was overshadowed - understandably - by the death of his mother from cancer, followed in quick succession by his younger sister, Felicite, from an accidental overdose.

"There's a weight to that record emotionally, and I needed to go through that process," he says. "But it's not really how I carry myself as a person.

"In terms of the my professional life, outside of the band, there's been an element of me constantly picking myself up and going, 'No, let's go again, you can do this'.

"I've had to have faith in the future, be it personal or professional - and, actually, there's something really beautiful about that idea."

Tomlinson's new album has more potential future singles. Written All Over Your Face has a slick, funky guitar groove, and two songs - Silver Tongues and She Is Beauty, We Are World Class - see him dipping his toes back into dance music.

"On the first record, I didn't want any electronic sounds. No trap drums that were really popular at the time, or any stuff like that," he says.

He relaxed that policy after falling in love with The Glow, an album of hyper-charged indie-disco by Aussie band DMA's.

"It gave me real food for thought, because they use those sounds, but not in a way where it feels contrived."

Given that his early experiments in dance-pop remain Tomlinson's biggest-selling songs, could these two new tracks signpost his way back to the mainstream?

"Listen, I would love some commercial success on this record, don't get me wrong," he says.

"Will it get played on radio? I have no idea. But if it doesn't it won't be the end...

"I love my tour bus, I love my fans, I love travelling the world."

[anarmorofwords]

Why Cordelia going to Matthew's and leaving for Paris made perfect sense

I've been thinking about this a lot, and I know it's a hot topic in the fandom. When I initially read ChoI, I was very on board with this - yes, it wouldn't help them and was reckless and selfish and all that, but story-wise and character arc wise, it was a decision I enjoyed.

After some time in the fandom I sort of changed my mind, focusing strongly on the negative consequences and Sona/Alastair.

Not so long ago, I was whining with Lela @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 about the "If he hurts you, come back home" quote and the lost potential there. You know I live for Carstairs siblings content.

And to be fair, I'm still mad about that.

But just as making all the good decisions wouldn't make for very compelling storytelling, judging these poor dumbasses' choices too harshly makes little sense to me, especially when we're dissecting their actions while forgetting the circumstances, the emotions, and the fact that these characters aren't aware of all the things readers are aware of.

And thinking about Cordelia's pov, it's actually pretty clear to me why she would go to Matthew of all people, and why she did leave for Paris.

We're talking about how selfish it was to leave her heavily pregnant mother and brother who's been through so much and would really use her support, and when you put it this way, it sure sucks.

But it's not at all the way Cordelia sees this.

At the end of ChoI it's clear just how heavily she's crushed by being Lilith's paladin. That's her main focus, something that occupies - haunts - her thoughts all the time. She's not only ashamed, she's scared. She's scared she will hurt people (she already got dangerously close to that once), and she wants to save her family from possible negative repercussions. So she's not abandoning her family - she's removing herself from their vicinity, to make sure they won't become casualties of her mistake.

Obviously that's not her one and only motivation. She's a 17 year old girl whose heart has just been broken, which, frankly, would have been reason enough. But then there's also things she's been through before that - from the complicated marriage (that she's awfully young for), the constant threat of a serial killer, and her father's tragic death.

Then there's her seeking comfort from Matthew instead of Alastair, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense, too. I used to think "home" should be her first instinct, where she heads immediately, because that's the most natural thing. And her home is obviously her family, her brother.

Except... her relationship with Alastair is still a little shaky and unsure, and regardless of their efforts, they still aren't particularly close when it comes to sharing their feelings with each other.

Moreover, when it comes to the marriage/James... Cordelia doesn't want to dissapoint her mother - being a good daughter, upholding/saving family's reputation and overall living up to the "golden child" title is basically one of her main drivers throughout the series. And in her eyes, the truth behind her marriage to James is a big failure in all those areas. Add cheating to that? She thinks admitting that to Sona would break her mother's heart and also cause her shame, which she wants to avoid. I think she's partly ashamed of admitting all that to Alastair, too. We know she likes making her brother proud, and he warned her against being with James, which she didn't listen to. And if her pride wouldn't be wounded enough by that, there's also the fact that she still loves James. I think she fears Alastair would judge her for that. And if there's anything that might keep you from seeking comfort from the people you love, it's the fear of facing their dissaproval and causing them pain.

Matthew, however, is someone whose presence allows her to feel free and comfortable, and be herself, with no expectations attached. Most importantly though, he's the only person who already knows everything - not only about the nature of the marriage, but about Cordelia's true feelings for James, too. And he feels for her, understands her, and offers support with no judgement or pity. Like him or not, Matthew's been a steady friend - perhaps the closest one - to her for the past four months.

Now, to get back to the Paladin point once again, Matthew is someone who's also made a terrible mistake, which consequences still haunt him. Someone who considers himself a monster - and although Cordelia doesn't agree with that, that means he will understand her own guilt and terror. I don't know about you, but I personally sometimes forget just how horrifying the whole Lilith ordeal must have been to Cordelia - while she almost killed her best friend. That's awful, traumatising, and absolutely a valid reason for her to be slightly out of it.

Lastly, a small but not insignificant thing that might have also played into her decision, in my opinion - this girl deserves a break, goddamit. Through lonely, uneventful childhood, to the stressful time she spent trying to salvage family's reputation, constantly keeping herself in check and plotting, and finally to an emotionally draining marriage she's never had a chance to let go and have fun and feel free. We see the longing for that clearly during her car journey with Matthew - the longing to escape the weigh she herself - and others - have put on her shoulders. She wants to just breathe for a moment, instead of being a golden child, a respectable heiress of a famous family, a perfect wife.

So in a way, she is running away from her mistakes, responsibilities, and consequences, but doesn't she have every right to do that?

disclaimer: this is mostly my attempt at organizing my own thoughts on the matter, and, in case it's not obvious, everyone's totally allowed to disagree and have their own opinions; as long as you keep it civil, we can discuss that, or just agree to disagree and keep on scrolling

[herzlak]

Let's talk about Tatort 2022...

Alright, due to personal reasons 2022 is going to suck and I'm anxious to only think about all this. This will be drifting from one depressive episode into the next featuring anxiety attacks and borderline-ish stuff. BUT there's Tatort and Tatort 2022 is gonna be fucking LIT.

ARD giving us a treat by starting the year with TWO Tatort episodes. January 1st is Stuttgart, which I'm not rly into but the critique so far is good so... Then there's January 2nd with Dortmund "Gier und Angst" AND I'M SO HYPED. This episode is gonna be Pawlak centered and I love Pawlak. There should be a fair amount of Rosa too, couldn't be better. Also WHUMP. And hands down, Rick Okon is superior at those sad, heartbreaking scenes. Last episode I cried just because of his facial expression, anywAyS-

Then only two weeks later shit's about to blow because we're going back home, y'all! Tatort Münster fucking finally! "Des Teufels langer Atem" is something I'm extremely hyped for because it's "Alle für einen, alle für Thiel" to quote Tittelbach. Family content. Everyone sticking together. Thiel whump - yeah okay, that's gonna break my heart, BUT STILL! Alberich (and Boerne hopefully?) is gonna take criminal paths and there's gonna be her and Vivian Peters roasting Boerne. I miss badass Alberich!! I miss Alberich in general. The rest of the lot too. And I desperately need more Mirko content.

Only ONE week later the epic return of Germany's most depressed gays. "Das Herz der Schlange" and that shit's gonna hurt. Yk I feel like Tatort is giving us a lot of hurt and whump in 2022.

Tatort Dortmund is literally killing us, folks! Another episode coming up in February. "Liebe mich" sounds like some Bönisch x Faber drama. Also: I don't think Pawlak's personal drama will be solved within one episode only so...

TATORT MÜNCHEN, Y'ALL! I hate Fasching, but I'm soo excited for a Faschingstatort. "Kehrhaus" is gonna be amazing, that's it. Good chance Kalli will dress up or something, remember how hyped he was for the Oktoberfest?? Yeah some good gay dads and their son content hell yes.

Let's talk about March!!! March 6th is Tatort "Propheteus" time and I'm pretty sure Boerne will finally get his shit together and comfort Alberich at least a little. AND LOOK AT THOSE BEHIND THE SCENE PHOTOS CHRISTINE ALREADY LEAKED!!! Hyped as fuck tho the storyline is wylddd. Gonna be messy but great and there's a dog.

Yeah by the way... Tatort Münster "Recht wem Recht gebührt"!!! Yep three episodes this year, fellas! Gotta be great!

Summer should be Tatort München "Flash". They're serving... Love it.

The year ends with Tatort München as well. As a period drama Downton Abbey fan I'm super hyped for "Krimidinner". That's gonna be the best Christmas present ever!

BUT that's not it! Cause there's a lot of episodes coming that we know about, but that don't have a date yet. Look...

TATORT KIEL, FINALLY! I'm deprived as shit. My bi ass needs more Mila content. Also: I love Mila's and Borowski's friendship whatever relationship. "Borowski und die große Wut" has been shot in 2019 already and it's finally gonna air... Mila looks like a fucking snack omg AND THE STORYLINE IS COOL, THERE'S GONNA BE WHUMP YAY! Next two up are "Borowski und der Schatten des Mondes" (apparently the first Tatort Kiel to air in 2022) and "Borowski und das hungrige Herz". Second one is still pretty blurry, there's gonna be kink and sex stuff for all I know. But the second one leaves me screaming because it's affecting Borowski privately and I always love them. Aaand it's already known that Mila is gonna have his back (at least for a bit).

TATORT WIEN FUCKING FINALLY, IT'S BEEN MONTHS!!! 2021 was too little old married couple content. "Alles war recht ist" already sounds so nice idk I'm just happy to have them back!! But Heinzi is gonna be an annoying brat again so let's see what Eisner says about that lmao.

Last but not least there's gonna be more Tatort Bremen. Idk when, idk what. What I know (and that breaks my heart) is that the next two episodes are only Linda and Liv. Because for wHaTeVeR rEaSoNs Dar Salim said NOPE. Gahhh I'm such a sucker for Liv and Mads, just the trio in general actually. Liv and Linda are great yk, but I want Mads there too...

ANYWAYS TATORT 2022 LET'S GOOOOO!

[warrioreowynofrohan]

The Leithian Reread - Canto XI (The Departure for Angband)

This chapter contains - at the reunion of Beren and Lúthien - my favourite passage in the Leithian, and one of my favourites that Tolkien has ever written, and I think part of my reason for delaying is that I wasn’t sure how to do it justice. But that’s a little farther on.

The chapter opens with a brief account of the Siege of Angband and the Dagor Bragollach. It’s a very strong section of the poem, to the point where it’s hard to know which specific portions to quote; the rhyme and cadence and imagery is all excellent, and is enhanced by a kind of triptych structure from beauty to fire to ruin:

Once wide and smooth a plain was spread,

where King Fingolfin proudly led

his silver armies on the green,

his horses white, his lances keen;

his helmets tall of steel were hewn,

his shields were shining as the moon.

...

Rivers of fire at dead of night

in winter lying cold and white

upon the plain burst forth, and high

the red was mirrored in the sky.

...

Dor-na-Fauglith, Land of Thirst,

they after named it, waste accurst,

the raven-haunted roofless grave

of many fair and many brave.

The description of the dark forest of Taur-nu-Fuin is also wonderfully evocative: sombre pines with pinions vast, / black-plumed and drear, as many a mast / of sable-shrouded shops of death / slow wafted on a ghostly breath.

One of the great recurring themes in Tolkien is the way that all evil, whatever its initial motive and impetus, falls in the end to ruin for ruin’s sake, to the destruction and defilement of all things as a end rather than a means. The image of the Anfauglith is repeated with the desolation before Mordor (gasping pools choked with ash and crawling muds, sickly white and grey, as if the mountains had vomited the filth of their entrails upon the lands about...great cones of earth fire-blasted and poison-stained) and the ruin that Saruman makes of Isengard (trees hewn down and replaced with pillars of metal and stone, joined by heavy chains; meadows paved over; underground furnaces with vents emitting steams, like a graveyard of the unquiet dead), and even Lotho and Saruman’s harm to the Shire (from knocking down Sandyman’s mill to make a bigger one that wasn’t needed, to the mill under Saruman not grinding grain at all but only making smoke and stench and fouling the water).

It’s not as if there is a fundamental benefit to Sauron in making the ruin in front of the Black Gate, or to Saruman in his attempts to destroy the Shire; both start out at one point with the aim of “fixing” the world and putting it in order, and this degenerates into control and rule for its own sake, and then into purposeless malice against not only people but the land itself, with misery and destruction as the only aim. We see small echoes of it elsewhere, as at Losgar.

This theme provides a strong contrast to Beren’s song before his departure across the Anfauglith, which is centred on celebration of nature and creation for its own sake, in and of itself, without any thought of control or ownership. The song fits with Beren’s demonstrated love of nature in earlier chapters, where during his lone guerilla war against Sauron he eats only plants, and is friend and allues with the animals of Dorthonion and with nature-spirits (minor Maiar?) as well: and many spirits, that in stone / in mountains old and wastes alone / do dwell and wander, were his friends. (It also has some echoes in Sam’s song in the Tower of Cirith Ungol.)

The song is given here in longer form than in The Silmarillion:

Farewell now here, ye leaves of trees,

your music in the morning-breeze!

Farewell now blade and bloom and grass

that see the changing seasons pass;

ye waters murmuring over stone,

and meres that silent stand alone!

The song also evokes a lot of the themes that came up in my discussion of CS Lewis’ The Four Loves, particularly the part on eros. Beren has virtually no expectation of coming back alive; he expect to die at best, or be captured and tortured at worst. But making the attempt is, to him, better than willfully choosing a life separated from Lúthien, and better than risking her coming to harm because of him. (The latter, as she will soon point out, is no longer something he has any choice about!) Both of them prefer the very high probability of torment or death over being parted from each other.

Additionally, Beten’s song is one of the purest expressions within Tolkien’s works of the element of admiration in love: delight in the beloved in their own right, above and beyond anything that has happened or will happen or any connection to you personally:

Though all to ruin fell the world / and were dissolved and backward hurled / unmade into the old abyss / yet were its making good, for this / the dawn, the dusk, the earth, the sea / that Lúthien for a time should be!

This feels, also, like it is getting at something deep within the mood of Tolkien’s works, where so much is destroyed or fades or is lost: the existence of beauty and goodness continues to be good, to be meaningful, even when the good and beautiful things have themselves passed away. They were, and that is better than if they had never been.

And here we come to my favourite part of the entire Leithian:

“Ah, Beren, Beren!” came a sound,

“almost too late have I thee found!

O proud and fearless hand and heart,

not yet farewell, not yet we part!

Not thus do those of elven race

forsake the love that they embrace.

A love is mine, as great a power

as thine to shake the gate and tower

of death with challenge weak and frail

that yet endures, and will not fail

nor yield, unvanquished were it hurled

beneath the foundations of the world.

Beloved fool! escape to seek

from such pursuit; in might so weak

to trust not, thinking it well to save

from love thy loved, who welcomes grave

and torment sooner than in guard

of kind intent to languish, barred,

wingless and helpless him to aid

for whose support her love was made!”

Thus back to him came Lúthien:

they met beyond the ways of Men;

upon the brink of terror stood

between the desert and the wood.

This returns to the previously-stated theme around eros: for Lúthien, being captured and tirmented in Angband is a better fate than willingly parting from him, or allowing him to leave her behind for her protection. And this, I think, is why Beren and Lúthien succeed in gaining the Silmaril: be ause their goal is not the Silmaril, their goal is each other.

But there’s more to it than that. I love the passage for Lúthien’s assertion that it is not Beren’s chouce whether she can risk danger and death for his sake. He does not have either the power or the right to protect her from her love of him. (I do think it’s something of a wonder that he still decides to go ahead with the Quest after this rather the the alternative of “let’s elope and be nature-hobos together”, but a lifetime of looking over your shoulders for the forces of Angband and the Fëanorians [yes, I think C&C would’ve gone after them out of spite even without the Quest, given their behaviour in the previous chapter] and Doriathrim sent to kidnap Lúthien back home is daunting in its own way; at least this way, if they succeed it will be over.)

This also goes for friendship (philia): in The Lord of the Rings hobbits express the same sentiment in more commonplace terms, in Merry’s, “You cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo,” and Sam’s “I’m coming too, or neither of us isn’t going. I’ll knock holes in all the boats first.” Or, even more so, in another line of Sam’s during the Breaking of the Fellowship:

“All alone and without me to help you? I couldn’t have a borne it, it’d have been the death of me.”

“It would be the death of you to come with me, Sam,” said Frodo, “and I could not have borne that.”

“Not as certain as being left behind,” said Sam.

Returning to the Leithian: Beren is still reluctant to have Lúthien accompany him into danger. And has a line here whose sentiment always seems to show up in my thoughts about Maedhros and Fingon (“Thrice now mine oath I curse,” he said, “that under shadow thee hath led!”)

Huan, returning with disguises for Beren and Lúthien, uses his second of three lifetime chances of speech to back up Lúthien’s point, and to advise them to disguise themselves as Draugluin and Thuringwethil. This includes one of the more amusing lines in the Leithian, with Huan’s Lo! good was Felagund’s device, but may be bettered. Hi, Finrod, you’re being patronized by a dog. :D He thinks you get, maybe, a B+ on the tactics planning. (Beren gets an F, quite bluntly: Hopeless the quest, but not yet mad, unless thou, Beren, run thus clad in mortal raiment, mortal hue, witless and redeless, death to woo.)

Lúthien uses magic to disguise them effectively, and to prevent the terrible disguises from affecting their minds; it’s difficult, skillful, and lengthy work: With elvish magic Lúthien wrought / lest raiment foul with evil fraught / to a dreadful madness drive their hearts / and there she wrought with elvish arts / a strong defence, a binding power / singing until the mdnight hour.

It is a few days’ journey across the Anfauglith to the gates of Angband and, again, reminiscent of Frodo and Sam’s journey through Mordor; briefer, but also worse in some respects, as they have neither food nor water.

[lxveille]

another love song

mk x reader

word count: ~ 2080 warnings: references to alcohol a/n: university!au; another ‘trying to get back into the feel of writing’ fic so... idk ?? tbh it’s more of a fic treatment but here’s what i’m posting anyway

Minkyun has gotten inspiration for his songs from you before. This one is different.

You’re nearly always the first person to place money into Minkyun’s open guitar case when he’s busking. 

More often than not, he tries to return your money once he’s packed up for the afternoon - but you refuse, and tell him he earned it. Then he usually spends more on you than you gave by buying you bubble tea or coffee before the two of you trek back to campus.

You’re not sure what you’d do with your Saturday afternoons if not for him.

You’d met Minkyun in a literature class your first year of university. At first it had been easy to write him off as a high school class clown having some difficulty adjusting to university expectations. Except that sometimes, when your professor would really dig into the themes of a text, he’d have something to share that would stick with you. A thought - sometimes chaotically explained - that would rumble around in your brain for a week, even. Eventually, you decided a proper introduction was in order. A fatal mistake, if you’d hoped to keep up some aloof, studious front. He had a way of warming others up, it turned out. You discovered he was friends with a number of people with unfriendly faces who somehow transformed into lighthearted, open books in Minkyun’s presence.  

You feel a little lighter around him, too. 

And on the days you don’t, he invites you to unburden. 

It became a common tableau: you sprawled out, exasperated, on the beanbag chair in his dorm room, ranting about anything that bothered you while he lay on his bed, half-propped up against the wall and strumming occasional notes on his guitar. A last complaint and a final chord, and then Minkyun would be on his feet with an idea of what the two of you should do to shake it out of your system for once and for all. Those plans only sometimes included just enough beer that the both of you were giddy and ready to laugh at anything. 

If Minkyun had to name one good reason to get drunk with you, it was this: it was the only time you’d sing. The very first time you let yourself break into song in front of him had been at a bar. It had been difficult to make out your voice over the speakers, but Minkyun heard. Maybe more important, though, was the way you swayed your shoulders and rocked into each syllable. 

He would tease sometimes that you ought to join him when he busked. He might make more with you joining in. 

“Ah, but then you’d have to split it with me, too,” you’d reply. You assumed, at least, that he must be kidding. 

It was spring the first time Minkyun asked you to listen to something original he’d composed. There was something personal about it that had never occurred to you when listening to a song before. For all the times you had watched him play, it was like looking at him from a new angle. Just as his commentary used to linger on your mind, his songs began to do the same.

 And in the winter of your second year, he asked if it’d be okay to use some of your own rants as inspiration in songs. 

“What?” you asked. 

“Just - the way you talk about the guys you’re getting over, and stuff like that. It could make for good lyrics.” 

“You’re going to quote me?”

“Well,” he lingered on the syllable, then broke into a dimpled smile. “No. But I don’t wanna take inspiration without telling you!”

So it happened that when he performed songs of his own, you sometimes began to recognize bits of your own infatuations and fallings outs weaved into his lyrics. The way he framed it, it usually made it easier to get over whoever had been behind the heartbreak. 

Minkyun isn’t busking today. The drizzle is enough that it wouldn’t be worth it. All the same, he spent the better part of the morning sending you messages asking you to come over. 

When you finally cave, you put on a front of unhappiness at the door, shaking out your umbrella before passing it over to his extended hand.

“I brought some stuff for my class so I can try to get work done like I’d planned,” you told him. 

He pouted for dramatic flair. “So you’re really just gonna act like you’re at your room at mine?”

“That’s what we agreed to! I told you I wanna get this reading done so I can just be hungover tomorrow without having to worry about Monday’s lecture.” 

“Damn, and people try to frame university drinkers as irresponsible.” 

“What can I say? I’m flawless,” you comment dryly as you pass into his room. 

“So you’re still going out even if the rain keeps up?” Minkyun asks. He settles into his usual spot near the foot of his mattress. You rummage through your bag for a textbook and your printed copy of the syllabus before finding a spot somewhere closer to the pillow. 

“Mm,” you affirm, “I think I’m officially entirely over Seungcheol, so it’ll be good for me to go out.” 

“Ahhh.” There’s something guttural and mischievous in the way he makes the sound. It’d be fair to expect some ribbing comment on how transparent you could be with these things. No such remark comes. 

It’s some time later, when you’re nearly done with your assigned reading, that Minkyun announces that he finished a new song recently. 

“Like one of your own?” you ask. 

He nods, and adds how he’d been thinking of playing it out this weekend if it hadn’t been for the poor turn in weather. 

You exaggerate a gasp. “You were going to share a song with a crowd before sharing it just with me?” There’s no real offence. It’s only a pattern that you’d noticed. Sometimes he’d say it felt needed, if only because he based part of the lyrics’ premise on your own experiences instead of his own. 

“I know!” Minkyun laughs airly. “Mother nature said not to, I guess!” 

“Well, are you going to play it now then?” You should tell him to wait until you’ve finished this chapter. That way you won’t entirely lose track of things. But you’re not infallible; and if there’s one thing you’re horrible at resisting it’s the chance to hear Minkyun play. 

He hops up from the bed to fetch his guitar. And he plays. 

It’s a love song, which doesn’t come as a surprise. Minkyun told you from the beginning - or at least when he first asked if he could take inspiration from your own heart’s tribulations - that he liked to write about that feeling. The good, the bad, or at the very least what he imagined of it. 

This song doesn’t feel familiar. Usually you can tell when he’s written indirectly about your own affairs. So these endearing words, these syrupy lines of dedication, of patiently waiting for the other one to notice… They must be from his own experience. 

A corner of your heart goes sour at that thought, and retorts that it might be one of his other friends. Devoted and hoping it won’t go unnoticed would be right up Yuto’s alley, you tell yourself as your search for a likely suspect. You don’t let yourself think too much on why you don’t want it to be Minkyun’s own feelings. 

Except there’s something else that bothers you. The way he keeps his eyes on his strumming fingers, or closes them altogether. 

Normally Minkyun looks at you now and then, and smiles at your reactions to his music. Even with the unhappy songs. 

You squeeze the textbook in your lap. A corner digs into your palm. He’s somewhere in the second chorus and your mind is fogging over with an irritation. It’s not his fault. You’re not mad at him. 

You just wish you had realized you want to fall in love with Minkyun sooner.

The last chord hangs in the air before you can fully process this thought. He looks at you expectantly. 

“What do you think?” Minkyun asks. 

You force a smile. “It’s sweet.” 

He leaves space for you to elaborate. When you don’t, the corners of his lips drag down a bit. “Just sweet?” He repeats. “Is it lame?” 

“No! It’s just - it’s different from some of your other stuff. But it’s sweet. I like it. I think, um… I just was expecting it to be something based on my whole recent back and forth thing. Since you wanted to play it for me,” you try to cover for your lackluster response. 

Minkyun looks you over for a moment, then chuckles. “Not every song can be about your love life.” 

“I know! Of course! Geez, that’s not what I meant,” you rush to say, loudly, as if you needed to cover the sound of some kind of fracture in your heart. 

He leans forward to set his guitar carefully on the tiles, its neck leaning against the bed frame. “I guess that’s not totally accurate to say here though.” He shakes his head to get his hair out of his eyes as he looks your way again. 

“...What?”  

“Ah… You’re pretty clueless, huh?” Minkyun sounds content with himself, and he’s barely holding back a grin. 

“I’ve never gone on like that about someone.” 

“Yeah, I know.”  

You eye him over a few times quickly, trying to reach a conclusion that feels safe. All you can theorize for sure is that he’s practiced this all, and somehow it’s going to plan. Maybe. “What are you on about?” you ask, tone turning suspicious. 

He laughs more fully now, then shifts his position to face you directly from the other end of his duvet. “You.” 

You glance around him like this could be some hidden camera prank. “What?”

“You,” Minkyun repeats, “It’s about you.” 

In the most foolish move of the day, you suddenly felt your throat dry out the same way it does before you cry. It must have been too much at once: to realize a desire and think it ripped away only to have it suddenly offered up so easily, so soon. 

“You’re not serious.” 

“Is it bad if I am?” he asks, leaning to the right a bit as he watches your reaction. You press your palm to your clavicle, trying to get your heart and your mind in sync. “Am serious, I mean.”  

All you can manage is a shake of your head. 

Minkyun grins bright and leans forward to put a hand over the one still at your side. “You really didn’t notice?” He pulls off incredulous and teasing in one go. If you weren’t so off kilter, you might want to scold him for it somehow. 

“What was I supposed to know?” You ask instead.

He shakes his head. For a fleeting instant, you worry he’s about to brush the whole thing aside. That worry is killed pretty quickly when he leans closer instead and delicately presses an experimental kiss against your lips. 

Minkyun is back to his side of the bed in the next moment, nearly like it hadn’t happened at all.  

Your hand lifts from your clavicle to allow your fingers to brush over your own lips, still tingly with the affection. Or maybe just from his lip balm rubbing off on you. 

He gives you a second more before asking, “Still okay?” 

“Um, yeah.” 

His smile returns. “Still going out to find someone new tonight?” 

“Oh my god.” You cover your face with your hands and accuse, “You’re the worst.”

“So… is that a yes, you are?” 

He knows it isn’t. 

He’s spent all this time getting to know you. Now he gets to be the one on the receiving end of that look in your eyes. 

“Would you stop that?” You muster up as much of a snip in your voice as you can. Your gaze gives away that you’re not really annoyed. It would be difficult to be, given the way your head is still spinning from his confession.    

“Stop what?” 

The smile on his face suggests he already knows. Nevertheless, you don’t give Minkyun the satisfaction of admitting he’s teasing you. “Just kiss me again,” you swerve to a demand. Frankly, it’s the main thing you’d been thinking since the first. You’ll figure out the rest of your feelings later. 

For now, Minkyun is hardly going to deny you that.

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Quest

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Keep in mind I’m writing this months after finishing the book lol (it’s mental illness innit). I have LOTS of notes to go off but yeah, things aren’t as fresh in my mind overall. With that said the biggest difference I can think of between my first and second experience with AQ is my feelings towards Kettricken. I think the first time around reading you know that Fitz is an unreliable narrator but you are still limited by his viewpoint so you can get a bit trapped seeing things the way he does. For this reason, I think I pretty much just forgave Kettricken when he did on my first read, whereas on this read I was like……. Waiting for her to actually apologise and show some sympathy towards Fitz and it just…. Never happened.

Like, don’t get me wrong, I still love Kettricken as a character and I fully recognise that she has been traumatised. I don’t expect her to be nice or act rationally, and in the case of being willing to take Nettle for the crown… It’s cold but she’s doing what she feels she has to. My issue is - do what you have to, but don’t expect Fitz to understand or forgive you (same with Starling). But I think what bothered me the most was how Kettricken would constantly confide in Fitz and break down to him and he was always there to let her do so, yet she NEVER gives Fitz the chance to do the same. The one time he does “open up” in a sense is when she forces him to air out his traumas in front of everyone, and she didn’t show him any sympathy for what he’d been through then or later. She has been through hell, absolutely, but while her plight may not have been any better than Fitz’s it certainly wasn’t any worse. She pretty much had two modes in this book: completely cold or a crying wreck - but she was only ever crying for herself. She lets Fitz console her but she never consoles him. Again, this is a result of her own trauma and I don’t expect her to act any differently, but it just reaffirmed for me that while she and Fitz care for each other deeply it is not an equal relationship. Fitz feels an obligation to serve her and she - knowingly or not - takes advantage of that. Like, after realising that this is their dynamic it is so obvious that the same is true in Royal Assassin as well, and it will be interesting to see how it changes (or doesn’t) in Tawny Man as I don’t remember it well enough to say.

Must reiterate: Kettricken is still a great character and I still have a lot of respect for her, unfortunately she just falls into the overfull camp of people who love Fitz but have an unhealthy power dynamic with him.

The other big difference I noticed was that the Verity stuff just wasn’t as devastating this time. Not because it was any less sad but it just didn’t tear out my heart like it did the first time. That’s not a fault with the writing at all, I think it’s just the fact that, knowing what would happen to Verity and that we wouldn’t see the real Verity again, I kind of already let go of him at the end of Royal Assassin.

Something you can’t believe you forgot

I guess more of a misinterpretation/wishful thinking but like, realising that there is no passage explicitly stating that Fitz and the Fool were actually spooning in the mountains murdered me and spat on my corpse.

Oh also!!! Fitz yeeting himself out the window at Tradeford castle jskaskjf

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

I love Kettle in general and the way we’re introduced to her as a cranky old lady sets her up perfectly

Favourite character arcs

Man they’re all so fucking sad lol but I guess the Fool? He goes from thinking Fitz is dead and his purpose failed to reuniting with Fitz, their relationship growing into something really real for the first time, and actually completing his mission - at least for now lol. This book is really the first time you get to see the Fool be properly vulnerable. Even when he was getting beaten up by Regal’s guards he always had his veneer of snark and superiority to hide behind - and I doubt when he went through his sicknesses at Buckkeep he would have revealed his weakness to anyone in order to be helped. But in the mountains he lets so much of that facade of the King’s Fool fall away - at least when it’s just him and Fitz. When he and Fitz meet again he lets Fitz see his grief and pain and hopelessness and joy as the Fool looks after Fitz, and then later when it’s the Fool who needs looking after he lets Fitz look after him. When was the last time the Fool had anyone really care for him like that, ya know? Had someone protect him purely out of love? Ouch dude!!!!

Also he gets to kiss Fitz at the end so good for him!!!!!!!!!! Be gay ride dragons!!

Favourite quote/s

“I would kill Regal. It only seemed fair. He had killed me first.”

“I had looked into the heart of my enemy. I still could not comprehend him.”

“The more I drank, the less tolerable my situation seemed. And the more intolerable I became to my friends.”

“I had never thought to be disdained by a tree.”

“The Fool, the Fool, only the Fool. I sought for him. I almost found him. Oh, he was passing strange, and surpassing strange. He darted and eluded me, like a bright gold carp in a weedy pool, like the motes that dance before one’s eyes after being dazzled by the sun. As well to clutch at the moon’s reflection in a still midnight pond as to seek a grip on that bright mind. I knew his beauty and his power in the briefest flashes of insight. In a moment I understood and marvelled at all that he was, and in the next I had forgotten that understanding.”

“When you can either laugh or cry, you might as well laugh.” - the Fool

Favourite relationships

Fitzandthefoolfitzandthefoolfitzandthefoolbahslbghabfhalgngjba 

Also fitz and nighteyes (speaking of which, Nighteyes’ arc in this book is also fascinating and surprisingly complex) and Fitz/Nighteyes/Fool mwah magnifico chef’s kiss

Favourite setting

Kelsingra baybeyyy. I remember the first time reading this having no fucking clue what was happening in that chapter but I guess it was the gay agenda all along

Favourite chapter

It’s gotta be the chapter where Fitz and the Fool reunite, right? Catch me just gradually losing my grip on reality with every lingering stare 

Most loved character

Foooooooooool

Most hated character

Ya know, for a minute I was actually wondering if I would like Starling this time round but yeah no lol. She was actually okay for a while but as soon as she sold Fitz/Nettle out she became The Worst, just as I remembered her. It’s not even because she betrays Fitz but because, like Kettricken, she expects Fitz to forgive her for it, to the point of running to tattle to the queen because Fitz isn’t giving her enough attention (I’m also not impressed with Kettricken for actually getting involved instead of just telling her to grow up). Not to mention her constantly misgendering/gendering (??) the Fool or just assuming the Fool’s gender and loudly fucking proclaiming it to everybody is just truly fucking disgusting. Like I cannot even explain how furious I was reading her incessantly using she/her pronouns for the Fool despite no confirmation that her theory is right or that the Fool is comfortable with this and despite EVERYONE ELSE using he/him pronouns. God I’m mad now lol. She just acts like a spoilt brat and it makes my blood boil. But that’s probably because I have known many people like this so… Good character writing lol congrats

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

The whole first chapter/s are just so heavy and carry on that gut wrenching feeling from the end of Royal Assassin. Fitz just has no real desire to live and watching him systematically severing the last few ties he has to his human life is just so sad.

Even though I wasn’t as attached to Verity this time, his goodbye to Fitz still made me cry

As did Fitz giving Kettle her skill back

Verity using Fitz’s body to have sex with Kettricken really got to me this time, mostly because I either didn’t notice the first time or had forgotten just how much it affects Fitz. It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to acknowledge Dutiful as his son when the event that brought that fact into being was so fucked up and traumatic. It’s really upsetting.

Burrich saying he almost took Fitz to Chivalry and he should have never let the Farseers take Fitz just …… breaks my heart. Just seeing Burrich so raw like that in general is so unusual it really takes you aback.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Strap in lads this part is lonnnngggggggg

Is it bad to immediately want to cry just from seeing “Sandsedge” on the map and thinking of Sandsedge brandy

I never really thought about how poor Hap didn’t get the real Fitz all those years and how their relationship could have been if Fitz hadn’t been partially forged

Pls I have no idea why but to picture someone as emotionally repressed as Fitz actually sitting down and writing about his life makes me want to fucking cryyyyeeeee

Fitz in the prologue talks about needing a purpose as something to distract himself from sinking [into his chronic pain, mental illness and addiction] and boy howdy if that ain’t relatable. As someone with mental illness and chronic pain Fitz is just painfully relatable way too often.

“I have never forgiven myself the triumph I ceded him when I took poison and died.” Fitz :(((( my guy :((((((( forgive yourself for surviving however you could baby!!!!!

This book mentions Bingtown providing slaves to Chalced

It’s so funny to me when people expect Fitz to have social skills as if he didn’t literally live as a fucking wolf for weeks at a time. It’s a miracle he bloody speaks

The state Fitz is in at the beginning of this book was literally Burrich’s greatest fear for him, yet Burrich doesn’t just say I told you so and leave. He stays, is patient and even optimistic.

“He (Burrich) is not bigger than I.” Why does this feel so wrong lol??? I just can’t picture Fitz as bigger than Burrich

“When you were younger and not supposed to go into taverns without me…” So it’s fine if the child goes into taverns and gets drunk as long as you’re also there. Got it, Burrich.

Fitz calling Chade “the grey one” wow get rekd old man river

Seeing Chade and Burrich interact is so bizarre

Fitz is still having seizures at the beginning of this book! I had forgotten that

God okay so idk if I can articulate this point super well but the whole thing of Fitz going through this extensive abuse and then essentially becoming an animal feels like a metaphor for the way your brain’s “higher” needs and functions just shut off sometimes under certain levels of stress. Like in order to cope with the trauma you don’t think about concepts, or long-term goals, or other people. You just take care of your basic needs - food, sleep, shelter, water - long enough that you start to feel safe and secure again, at which point your brain can open up a bit more and allow you to really think again; to want again, to plan again etc. Like obviously literally becoming an animal is a heightened version of reality, but the functionality of it is the same; our wounds and our fear stop us from fully embodying ourselves.

Burrich be like, Fitz was getting way too dependent on drugs before all this so let’s steer clear of those. :) LET’S GET HIM ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED INSTEAD

I  love how Fitz has his own unique relationship with Lacey and she’s not just Patience’s servant in his mind

Fitz talking about how even his memories from before his time in the dungeons are soiled by his trauma :( baby boy

Dude it’s so rich Chade lecturing Fitz about not making a life for himself, having friends or just chilling out like???? WHO TRAINED HIM TO BE AN ASSASSIN CHADE?? Like I get your point but what the hell kind of life did you think he was gonna have? Who ever took the time to teach him the importance of making connections with people for their own sake, and when would he have ever had the time anyway? I think Chade himself doesn’t actually know what he expects from Fitz.

Fitz saying he’s bad at making decisions because he’s never actually been allowed to make any is literally a point I’ve made lol. This is what happens when you teach teenagers how to murder in lieu of any basic life skills.

Burrich + Chiv were luv at first sight. No I will not elaborate.

“We kept you a boy, looked after you too much.” Huh??????? Fitz was never fucking sheltered lol. He didn’t have autonomy. There’s a difference.

I’m so fucking glad Fitz hugged Burrich before he left and that they actually left off on okay-ish terms. I didn’t remember that and it vaguely dulls the blow of knowing we don’t see Burrich again til Fool’s Fate (and that he thinks Fitz is dead the entire time between now and then).

“If I shaved my hair back from my brow” bitch disgusting

“Honey was the older of the two women. Perhaps my age.” jskfjnajgbl my guy those aren’t women then those are children!!!!!! U freak

I was wondering for ages why Fitz doesn’t mention the Fool like literally at all bc that’s so unusual right? Even in Assassin’s Apprentice he thinks of him when he goes to Moonseye and just in general the Fool usually enters Fitz’s thoughts pretty frequently. So why now, when Fitz doesn’t even know if the Fool is okay, is he just not thinking about him? And then I realised that that is exactly why. Because the only two people from his old life he doesn’t think about are the two people whose fates he knows nothing of: Kettricken and the Fool. So he can let his mind wander to think what Patience and Lacey might be up to at Buckkeep, or who Molly is with or whatever, because he knows they are all safe. But in such a fragile state I don’t think he can bring himself to really wonder whether Kettricken and the Fool made it to their destination - he probably doesn’t really believe they could have, and that is far too painful a road to go down when you are trying not to think at all.

I know the first act of this book is slow and that bothers some people, but I think it is so necessary, not only for Fitz’s arc but also because it really demonstrates just how severe the situation has gotten with the red ships and forged ones AND it shows just how destructive a king Regal is. Without this perspective it would probably be much harder to buy that the extreme measures taken at the end of the book are really worth the sacrifice.

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit A: when Honey is coming onto him, all he can think about is Molly.

Fitz is so scared of the Forged ones :( his trauma affects everything. He has no faith in himself and less heart for the violence than ever.

Speaking of trauma metaphors: the way Fitz tends to drift off into the wit or Skill after a traumatic experience is… pretty much just dissociation but magique

I forgot that witted folk can apparently communicate with each other mentally, not just with animals

“Her head was the size of a bushel basket.” Ah, yes, a bushel basket, a thing whose size we are all intimately familiar with.

Fitz finally finds others like him and even then he is not fully accepted. Told he is doing the wit wrong. Othered by the Others. It’s the queer experience innit.

Also forgot that apparently the forged are attracted to the wit as well as the Skill?

“I wondered if I had as many wolf mannerisms as they had halk and bear.” Yeah no probably not you only bloody LIVED as a wolf, Fitz.

Okay I know it doesn’t need saying but Patience is just so fucking cool!!!!!

Jesus fucking christ, Fitz skilling out to Molly when he knows Will knows he’s alive and is looking for him is just… so dumb. So so dumb. I know he’s just fixating on her because he’s miserable and she’s like this unsullied thing he had before everything went wrong but holy moly is it frustrating 

Not to mention he doesn’t connect the dots between the fact that Burrich went to “help a friend” and every time he reaches out for Molly he sees Burrich sajkdbshkhja dude

Nighteyes leaving just goes to show that Fitz cannot rely solely on Nighteyes for companionship. No matter how innately the same they are they are equally as innately different. Fitz needs Nighteyes but he shouldn’t have JUST Nighteyes (which is why he, Nighteyes and the Fool are the holy trinity). When Nighteyes leaves, Fitz is in way too fragile a state to be left alone, but Nighteyes cannot think of the future or what might happen. All he knows is he’ll be back at some point and that’s all that matters.

“My anger fed my competence” whatever you need to tell yourself sweetie

I think I had blocked out the fact the Regal was keeping animals trapped in filthy cages so they could ravage people in the king’s circle uggggghhhhhhhhh I hate him

Fitz is down on himself saying that without Shrewd’s largesse, Chade’s information and Verity’s protection his idea of himself has been stripped away and that he’s not actually competent etc. but like. This is an extreme situation!! You’re literally alone in the wilderness with nothing and no one!! Who would thrive in this situation? And nobody gets by without help anyway! The people in our lives do define us to an extent. You don’t have to be able to stand 100% on your own at all times with zero resources to be considered capable. It’s human to depend on others. Yes I am chiding myself as much as Fitz here :))))

Burrich’s earring is the repressed gay earring. No I will not elaborate.

Fitz refusing to sell Burrich’s earring is frustrating yet something I would 100% do lol

Direct from my notes: Celery hiding out in caves?? Bad bitch

“I felt I was within the flames looking deeply into the Fool’s eyes” um okay gay

It’s actually surprising that Fitz admits he would not have gone after Molly even if he had known she was pregnant when she left. On one hand so self aware yet this doesn’t stop him from completely idealising their relationship.

And then you have Molly who says he was supposed to come after her “so she could forgive him”, that he was supposed to be the one to light the candles for her childbirth etc. The fact that she in any way thought he was mature enough to be a father just shows how little they really knew each other.

Burrich treating Molly like a horse while delivering Nettle is way funnier than it has a right to be jskakjasd makes me think of Dwight treating Phyllis’ back injury in The Office lol

The first thing Burrich notices about Nettle is that she has Chivalry’s brow are you fucking kidding me. Gay!

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit B: He had no interest in Tassin whatsoever until she literally started kissing him. At this point his body reacted, which is normal, but as soon as he got a second to actually think about it he stopped, because for him it would not be satisfying to sleep with someone he didn’t have feelings for.

“It seemed to take years for the dried beans and lentils to soften.” Okay mood

I love how Fitz just assumes Molly will take him back. “I have a woman and child awaiting me.” Says who bitch?

Small ferret? More like big legend

Ya know, we give Fitz so much shit but honestly with so much physical, mental and emotional stress on this journey how can we expect his mental faculties to be at 100%? I wouldn’t be making good decisions either, in fact I would be long dead.

Starling telling Nik that the earring once belonged to Chivalry is truly a smooth brain move

“Do not fear, little brother, I am here to take care of you again.” Words can’t explain how much I love Nighteyes and how often his dialogue makes me smile :’)

It’s so cute how Nighteyes is worried about Molly and Nettle until he knows that Burrich is taking care of them

It’s really interesting when Fitz claims “I’d rather be with Molly even if it meant rocking a crying baby in the middle of the night” because, well, he’s literally made other claims to the contrary, saying he wouldn’t have gone with her even if he’d known she was pregnant. Because at the end of the day as much as Fitz is compelled by others to do work for the greater good, I think deep down a lot of the time it is what he would do anyway. Like I really don’t think he could actually enjoy being with Molly knowing that the world is burning down around them. He would want to get out there and help somehow; not only to secure their own future but to reduce other people’s suffering as well. He’s an empathetic boy even though he’d like to be selfish.

Every time Fitz calls Molly his wife I lose ten years off my life

Again, I understand why he’s thinking like this, but Fitz’s ownership of Molly is just so uncomfortable. The fact that he can’t imagine her not having a place ready and waiting for him in her life when he returns just illustrates that she is not a fully realised person to him. She is just a comforting idea.

Oh yes, it was definitely Starling’s “pillowtalk” that got you captured and not the fact that you fit the exact description of the witted bastard right down to having Chivalry’s earring and a whole ass wolf

Somehow forgot that Jhaampe is basically a city of tents with only a few permanent buildings and people constantly coming and going

Fitz’s first words to the Fool are “I’ve come to you.” I’m gonna fucking die

Literally every single word from the moment Fitz realises it’s the Fool and starts describing him is a full body assault and personal attack I am seeking reparations

God the tenderness, the angst, the relief……… shall i pass away

“I doubted he was much taller, but his body was no longer a child’s.” My dude this is a gay awakening if I ever saw one

Fitz be like *spends 87 pages describing the Fool in painstaking detail* anyway I love being a heterosexual male

I’ve heard ppl cite Fitz’s descriptions of Kettricken as evidence of a crush (hard disagree) but literally nothingggggg even comes close to the way he describes the Fool. Not just this once but over and over again it’s insane.

“Talk fell off between us. The bottle of brandy was empty. We were reduced to silence, staring at one another drunkenly.” skjakfnajghajgnaLNGJ is it gay to silently gaze into thine homie’s eyes

The Fool protecting Fitz from everyone - especially Starling - in Jhaampe is often hilarious and always heartwarming

Realising Fitz was skinny enough for the Fool to lift on his own ahhh no wonder he said the famous “When I recall how beautiful you were” line, Fitz is a total wreck

I love that the Fool actually gives Chade shit for his plan to take Nettle. I love him.

“Too few folk cared for me. I could not hate a single one of them.” Oh, Fitz :(

I always wonder how the Fool really feels about Molly. Is he jealous? Does he compare himself to this woman Fitz idolises and he doesn’t know? Does he know that Fitz is barking up the wrong tree or is he stuck thinking Molly must really be Fitz’s soulmate since he won’t shut up about how much he loves her and can’t wait to get back to her? He just never really lets on how it makes him feel when Fitz has relationships with women. We know Fitz gets jealous of the Fool (for litch rally like no reason lol), so with the Fool being much more honest with himself/in general about his love for Fitz and having much more legitimate reason to be jealous, is he? Or is it just something he’s made his peace with, that these women give Fitz something that he cannot? Is he okay with that cos he has to be or does he have a different, less monogamous view of love and relationships (he does have three parents after all). I dunnoooo dude I just have so many questions. Like obviously - OBVIOUSLY - if Fitz and the Fool didn’t have romantic feelings for each other before, there is no doubting that romantic feelings appeared the moment Fitz appeared in the Fool’s hut. Fitz won’t admit that but mere chapters later the Fool is talking about how he loves Fitz in every way so like. He knows. So how does he feel when Fitz is calling out for Molly in his sleep, or openly speaking of seeking her out when all this is over, and lying to the Fool to protect Molly and his daughter. Really makes u think!!!!

Fitz reuniting with Sooty and going to see her every day in Jhaampe is so cuuuute and made me so happy. Sooty is a good girl :’)

Fitz be like *leans against the table where the Fool is carving and watches his fingers at work like a true repressed gay*

Verity is literally so strong???? He submerged himself in skill and was able to pull himself back from the stream can u imagine? Go off king!

Bro I literally can’t with the Fool mentioning Jofron so casually and Fitz immediately thinking wow oh my god they’re definitely fucking oh my god the Fool has a girlfriend - Fitz sweetie calm down

I love how Fitz and the Fool just naturally walk together :))) and Nighteyes babysitting Kettle is so cute

Molly never once says that she misses Fitz. She says she always expected him to do the right thing, to come after her and not leave her alone with a child. But she doesn’t look back on their time together fondly or have much positive to say about him as a person. And all that is fair, but it’s also just… Not really the behaviour of someone who’s been separated from their soulmate. It’s more just someone who’s been left in a shitty position by someone they cared about but hardly knew.

Fitz asking the Fool what is between him and Starling when they’re literally just being civil is sooooo fucking funny. Not everyone finds the Fool as irresistible as you do, Fitz.

The Fool just casually finding a pretext to call Fitz the light of his life

Fitz telling Kettricken firmly that he will not travel if the Fool is ill is one of the only times he ever puts his foot down with her GEE I WONDER WHY

I’ve said it before I’ll say it again…… there really do be something about the way Fitz can’t meet the Fool’s eyes………. It’s not like they’re weird and colourless anymore like they used to be!!!

The Fool already talking about Clerres in this book!

Fitz and the Fool and Nighteyes playing in the stream is too fucking pure omg, it’s what they deserve

And then Starling has to bloody ruin it bc she’s homophobique

But seriously, Fitz actually lets go for the first time in ages and has a nice evening only for Starling to go tattling to Kettricken, and Kettricken having the gall to confront Fitz about it. And then Fitz solves the problem by saying he doesn’t disdain her when like!! He has every right to!!!! She sold him out, sold his daughter out. She never even apologised but instead has just been totally petty and self-righteous and stirring up trouble amongst the group. She hasn’t earned or even asked for his forgiveness. So fitting that she’s the one constantly judging Fitz for his relationship with Lord Golden in Tawny Man lol, she just cannot let Fitz and the Fool be the queer icons they are!!!

Verrrrrrrrrrry interesting that Fitz only “suddenly missed the human warmth and comfort” of Starling taking his arm or sleeping against him literally IMMEDIATELY after the plumbing and love confrontation with the Fool. I mean he has been doing all of those things with the Fool (sleeping together, walking arm in arm etc.) so it’s not about human touch at all, it’s about convincing himself that a WOMAN’S touch is somehow inherently different.

He does the same thing with Starling as with Kettricken. She technically apologises but it’s not sincere and that’s not why he forgives her. Same as Kettricken, she tells her sob story and he can’t hold onto his anger. It makes sense, but it’s just very toxic. It would be nice if at least one person would really recognise how much they’ve hurt Fitz and really, genuinely want to atone for it, or apologise without expecting forgiveness. The onus should not be on Fitz to forgive Starling but on Starling to grow up and not need Fitz to like her in order to remain civil and do what they have to. Also “I do not find your wit bond offensive” has the same energy as someone telling you out of nowhere like “It’s fine that you’re gay :)” like wow thank u?? lol

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit C: “I wanted her with a desperation that had nothing to do with love, and even, I believe, little to do with lust.”

“By his love he is betrayed, and his love betrayed also.” So fate agrees with me, Fitz and the Fool are in love? :)

Anytime the potential that Fitz might have to choose between Molly and Nighteyes I lose brain cells. That’s ur brother Fitz!!! It’s not even a choice!! How dare u

It’s just sooooo intentionally laid out for us in this book that Fitz’s relationship with Molly really wasn’t good or healthy and that his fixation on it is misguided, and I think that’s why I struggled sooooo hard with the ending of Fool’s Fate, because it kind of implied the exact opposite. I’m hoping on this reread I will pick up on it being laid out as a result of Fitz getting his memories/teen feelings back rather than it just feeling like a lowkey retcon, but I guess we’ll see lol

“I felt I was a bit in love with him, you know. That sort of lift to the heart.” the confirmation that the Fool KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE IN LOVE sends me deep into the swamps goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee

“The one who loves him best will betray him most foully.” So fate agrees, the Fool loves Fitz best :)

“You do love me! … Before, it was words. I always feared it was born out of pity.” Godddddd Foooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!! 

Everything about Fitz, the Fool and Nighteyes meeting in the skill for the first time is just truly perfect iconic unparalleled.

Fitz’s love for Verity hurts my heart so much. Just think of the relationship they could have had if they weren’t stupid royals.

Kettle’s whole speech about Fitz and Molly… Just yes to every word.

Look I’m just gonna say it… The way Burrich reacts to Molly’s advances … like I know it’s probably not intentional but it just reads as very much fitting in with my headcanon that he is gay. As soon as she makes it clear she wants to sleep with him he like leaps across the room lol. I do believe he cares for her and loves her in his way, but it does feel mostly like he’ll just do whatever he needs to to care for her and the baby.  Sowwy

I wonder why the Fool wasn’t as affected by his giving up of memories to Girl-on-a-Dragon?? Or was he, and he just gets them back before we see him again in Tawny Man?

“Take my hurt that I never knew my father, take my hours of staring up at his portrait when the great hall was empty and I could do so alone.” um this is so fucking sad

It was the Fool who sent Starling to find Fitz after Verity uses his body and again I have to ask, wtf is going on in your mind, Fool!

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit D: Even once he actually sleeps with Starling he has no enthusiasm about it, he just kind of goes along with it, likely to prove to himself that he has really let go of his past/Molly. 

I always wonder why the Fool leaves now. Is it because he thinks their work is done and doesn’t want to risk messing things up by hanging around his catalyst like at the end of Tawny Man? Does he intend to come back and find Fitz again but get sidetracked by a lead or a new dream? Like it’s just weird because at first he was like “Prophet and Catalyst stick together” and was gonna stay with Fitz - or was that just an excuse because he was obsessed with Girl-on-a-Dragon? Fool u spicy lil enigma

It’s blood and the wit that wakes the stone dragons so does that mean King Wisdom was witted? Or is that obvious lol

Fitz isn’t even bothered by the Fool’s kiss, just shocked. I am looking.

Patience shouting orders at Verity-as-Dragon is beautiful ksjjk

Of courrrrrssse Burrich names his first son Chivalry

In the epilogue, the Fool is the only one Fitz actually says he misses. Exquisite.

I know some people have an issue with Regal’s death but personally I find it delicious

Okay that’s all (I say as if this wasn’t 139841989 pages long). See y’all in 92 years when my sister finally starts reading Liveship!

[hopelessromanticvirgo]

Number 134 [22]

Chapter 21

May 16. 21:05

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Robbe said for the millionth of time today even if he knew it wouldn’t mean anything, but he desperately said it again and again.

“Well, I want to talk about it so that’s what we’re going to do.” Robbe rolled his eyes and started walking towards the kitchen, already done with this argument.

He heard Sebastian’s footsteps following him and sighed.

The past few days have been very hard on him, he hasn’t heard anything from Sander and he knew, he wouldn’t, not until he made up his mind and told him what he wanted, but every time he’d get a notification, his heart would start hoping it was from him, only to get disappointed.

And he wanted to call him, or text him, or do anything that would mean being with him, choosing him, but he was terrified.

Sander was too good, too pure and somebody Robbe would never deserve no matter how much he tried. And he’s also not good with changes in his life.

What he has now, with Sebastian, it’s not great but it’s familiar, and it’s the best he can ask from life.

And Sebastian always reminds him of that too, so by now, Robbe is used to feeling thankful for what he has, and afraid to lose it. That’s mostly the reason why his countless break up missions failed. A lot of times, he didn’t have the guts to do it properly and other times, Sebastian made his mind turn upside down.

By now, he knew a cute date, or kisses or cuddles would only come after a very serious fight, not for any other occasion.

If they didn’t fight all the time, he’s sure, they would never touch each other.

He has no idea how they got here, since at first, everything seemed to be great, their relationship was amazing but now, Robbe could barely call it, whatever they had, a relationship.

“Don’t walk away from me.” The way Robbe was so exhausted from all this. He has no idea why he thought that coming here today would be a good idea. He probably wanted to check, for the last time.

Check if it was real, if Sebastian’s and his relationship was really that bad, but oh how much he regrets that decision now.

“How did you not tell me?” Robbe could hear on the which level of angry, Sebastian was getting by the tone of his voice and it seemed like the things would get ugly pretty soon.

“I didn’t know he’d be there and I told you why. He acted like he didn’t know me because Noor doesn’t know and what could I do? Say ‘no, we already know each other?’” It’s been already forty minutes since they started talking about this.

This, meaning Sebastian reading the messages between Sander and him which took place the next day after their accidentally meeting at the bar. Luckily, Robbe feared this would happen so he deleted the last messages between them but not all of it, so after Sebastian found out, quoting “he was that Sander and you said nothing?” there they were.

“As if I’d believe that. You tried to hide it from me and I just want to know why.”

This calm facade he had going on was even scarier than his yelling and Robbe knew, he wouldn’t leave it alone, no matter what he told him.

“I told you why I did it.”

“So you’re telling me there wasn’t any more reason?” Robbe looked at the clock, hoping that his mom or anybody else would call him so he could lie about something happening and go home, but of course, he didn’t have any luck and the universe hated him, his phone has been silent all day long, nobody needed him or wanted to help him out.

He knew Sebastian wouldn’t let him go out of his house right now, and not until he got what he wanted, or not until he got tired of fighting, and it wouldn’t happen anytime soon since he just started, he was only getting warmed up.

“No, as I said already, there isn’t any different reason.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and scoffed at him.

“I know you’re fucking him.” Robbe gripped the cup he was holding, starting to get mad but he knew it was important to stay calm and stable.

“I’m not doing anything.” He can’t ever remember how many times he has already heard all this and how he already knew each word that would leave his mouth next.

“So you’re telling me, all those texting and meeting up, ignoring me, didn’t mean anything? How much of a fool do you think I am, huh? If you’re not hiding anything , then why don’t you want to tell me the truth?”

“I’m telling the truth.” The desperation in his voice was already visible. He wished to end this already, he wished to go home.

He wished to be with Sander.

“Can we stop now, please?”

Can we stop forever?

“No. I just know you’re lying. How many times should you hide it? Just please tell me the truth, I won’t get mad, I promise. I just want to know.”

It makes Robbe’s head spin when he does all those moods swings on him, makes him think that all of the problems are in his head.

Sebastian usually doesn’t say the word “please.”

“I’m telling the truth, please just, believe me okay? I don’t have anything with him, I already told you.”

No matter how much I want to have something with him, I don’t.

“It’s all his fault, he came in and messed up your head.”

Robbe thought that too, for a very long time.

But as time went on, he realized a lot of stuff. It wasn’t Sander destroying their relationship;

It was Robbe opening up about his crush on Jens to him and Sebastian getting freaked out when Robbe’d say that he’d go out with his friends, complaining to him how they would never get to hang out that much, making Robbe feel guilty and in the end, making him ditch his friends for him without even realizing it.

It was ironic laughter after telling him about what his mom has been talking about while she didn’t feel good, making him feel horrible about sharing that fact.

It was “not even your parents wanted you” after one of their first intense fight, which in the end got sorted out with two movie tickets and one pathetic apology.

It was creating a problem out of nothing.

It was making him feel like a horrible person after getting accepted in his dream university just because it was a little bit far away from where Sebastian was studying.

It was getting mad about every little detail that’d go wrong.

It was “sometimes I understand why you father left you.”

It was making fun of his studies and not giving him any chance to work.

It was laughing at him for still skating with his friends on his free time, telling him how he was acting like a toddler.

It was “you don’t deserve good things in life and when something good happens, you’re not even thankful.”

And then Sander happened, and Sebastian didn’t even need to find a reason to fight, it was already there. No matter what the argument would start about, it would always end with Sander.

At first, it wasn’t anything drastic.

It was Sebastian pressuring Robbe into telling him all about this new client he had, claiming he was just curious and wanted to know what his boyfriend was doing, making Robbe tell him about Sander and his file, which Sebastian read without his permission after finding out that it existed.

It was him asking Robbe uncomfortable and personal questions about Sander that he didn’t want to share, creating arguments from it, getting mad that Robbe wasn’t trusting him with this.

And when Sander ended the contract and they started meeting up, it was hell for Robbe. Sebastian would tell him everyday how he hated that they were seeing each other and how it wasn’t his “job” to take care of Sander anymore.

Robbe guesses that’s when he started to get more paranoid about Robbe and Sander meeting up, afraid that something more between them was going on.

One time Sebastian even went so far that Robbe didn’t talk to him for the whole week, already ready to end it all, only for Sebastian to feed him more lies, promise him it wouldn’t happen again, telling him that sometimes he just snaps and he just doesn’t want to lose Robbe: “it’s alright, you can have fun all you want, he will try to kill his self sooner or later again and will succeed in it and you won’t have to worry about him anymore.”

And Sander.

He’s everything and so much more Robbe could ask for, but he knows, he will only hurt him, he will never be enough and he can’t drag him in his shit.

Sander is too good, too amazing, too perfect. And he’s not being fair to him, he knows but he can’t help it.

When they are together, he feels calm, like nothing bad will happen and he feels happy to finally talk to somebody who just understands him, knows what he’s feeling, knows who he is and what he wants. He almost texted him four times, but didn’t know what to say.

I’m yours, have me.

I’m only happy when I’m with you.

Will you take me as I am?

Please forgive me for everything, I can’t seem to stop hurting you and it’s killing me, but staying away also hurts, I don’t know what I want but I know I want you.

“No, it wasn’t his fault.” Robbe whispered, hoping that the other boy didn’t hear him but it was too late.

“What did you say? Are you defending him?”

“No, I’m just saying that we already had some problems.” With a sudden rush of confidence, he dared to say it and look him in the eyes.

There was something that run on Sebastian’s face for a second but Robbe couldn’t figure out what it meant.

“Problems? What are you saying?” He took a step and Robbe wished he wasn’t leaning on the counter so he could take a step back.

Next, he felt his hands on his cheeks, his face close, making him obligated to look up. “Hey, I know I sometimes can be aggressive and maybe even raise my voice but you know that I love you so much right? And they don’t mean anything, I just lost control. I know I shouldn’t but it’s who I am. I’m sorry, okay? It’s me who you should be with and only me.” Robbe could hear the hidden meaning behind his words now, for the first time in ever, he just heard it instead of realizing it later. “It’s me who you deserve.”

He got sick feeling down in his stomach and his mind filled with how much he wanted to be with his favorite person in this world, right now, he spoke up: “I want to break up.”

“What?” Robbe took his hands in his own and put them away from his face, took a step so he was out of the way and put some distance between them.

He cleared his throat, took a breath and repeated.

And just as he expected, the storm came crushing down, the flames went out and he had to close his eyes and wince from the howl he heard coming from the boy in front of him.

“For him? You want to break up with me for him?”

“N-n-no. I just want it for myself.” How he wished his phone to call right now.

“For yourself? Are you even listening to yourself?”

Robbe was and he was surprised and terrified.

“I want to go.” Robbe mumbled and tried to walk pass him but got held by a hand on his way out.

“Didn’t I tell you not to walk away from me?”

That tone still sent shivers all over his body in a very bad and unpleasant way and he wanted to say “I’m not afraid of your voice anymore” but he couldn’t, since he was afraid and both of them knew that.

And it’s not like he’s afraid of anything really, it’s not like Sebastian has ever touched him physically, but Robbe hated this aura around them when he gets mad so he always tried to make him win arguments so he won’t lose control, so he won’t yell, so they would act like they we’re happy.

And somehow Robbe being tired of arguments and making Sebastian win and agreeing with him, turned into all of their conversations ending with Robbe saying yes to whatever Sebastian wanted just so they wouldn’t have any more problems than they already did and Robbe has no idea how only Sander could make him realize that.

He probably knew, deep down knew how wrong it was but hoped it was a lie, hoped that this relationship could work out in the end but it never did and it never will. Specially not now, when Robbe finally saw that he wasn’t worth it, that Sander was willing to show him how special he was and no matter how crazy and unreal it sounded, he wanted to give it a shot. He just wanted to get out of here.

“I don’t want to be with you, why can’t you understand that?” He tried to make him let go of his hand but didn’t have any success.

“I want to know the reason.” Sebastian raised his voice and finally Robbe had enough and he screamed too.

“Because I don’t love you.” The boy still didn’t back off.

“You love him don’t you?” He pronounced the word “him” with so much hate that it was all it took for Robbe to burst out and yell out “yes” on top of his lungs which made the boy lose his grip on him and Robbe took the chance to start walking away. Only for Sebastian to go after him.

“I knew it. All those times you were with him, of course, and you’re making me seem like I’m the responsible for this. How many times have you slept with him then?”

He has been following him around when Robbe went back to the living room, looking for his phone and taking it in his hand, then going back to the hallway to take his jacket.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’re not going anywhere, I’m not done yet.”

He caught up with him and was about to grip his arm again to make him stop that

Robbe spun around, his fingers on the door handle.

“I’m done.” Looked him up and down for the last time, opened the door and walked out.

He could hear horrible screaming from the house, a few of them being a very loud “fine, go, see if I care,” “yeah go to him, he will get bored of you too eventually,” “if you think that you deserve any bit of a happiness you’re wrong,” “fuck you” and of course “go fuck yourself.”

As soon as he was outside, he ran.

Not daring to look back, afraid that he’d still follow him, watch his every move, control him.

And he ran until his legs couldn’t handle anymore, until his knees started shaking and when he finally thought that he was free, he fell.

Trying to calm down, trying to realize what he did and trying to see that he did the right thing. And when it was obvious that he couldn’t relax or calm down, he reached out to the person he needed the most right now.

He couldn’t see straight, the whole screen was blurry when he turn on his phone and tried to text him. Fortunately, Sander responded quickly.

And when Robbe saw his message, he breathed out.

May 16. 23:49

Sander didn’t know what to expect when he got to the address Robbe sent him, but finding the brunet on his knees, in the middle of the street, breathless with his head in his hands, rocking front to back, definitely wasn’t it.

He got scared as soon as he caught the glimpse of him, stopped the car, but didn’t care enough to turn it off, the light coming from the car lighting the whole street and road. There was nobody in sight, just Robbe, paralyzed and numb from this world, who didn’t even notice Sander got there.

When Robbe sent that he didn’t know where he was but he’d send the address using his map, Sander got more worried and he wasn’t able to breath normally until he saw him, but now, looking at him when he finally got here, he knew he wouldn’t be able to calm down anyways.

He run to him, didn’t even care to close the door, kneeled down next to him, getting his trousers dirty.

He didn’t know if he should touch him, or what to say, what to do.

“Robbe.” He whispered but when he realized that the boy didn’t hear him, he repeated himself.

Robbe looked up to him so fast, Sander heard his neck crack, looking at him like he was imagining, hallucinating Sander there, didn’t say anything to him.

It was dark but Sander’s car light was helping him to see how wet Robbe’s eyes and cheeks were and he could hear how hard it was for him to take a breath.

“Hey, I don’t know what to do.” Sander mumbled, trying to catch his attention so he’d focus on him.

“Tell me what to do.” He could see Robbe processing his words and after a while of silence, he whispered something, looking away from him, staring at the darkness around them.

“I couldn’t hear what you said. Can you repeat it for me?” He tried to act like him, think about what Robbe’d do or say if the situation was reversed.

When Robbe still stayed silent, Sander decided that he had to take matters into his hands now.

“Come on, Robbe.” He got close to him, their legs touching each other.

“Tell me what to do. I want to help but I have no idea how. Just tell me.”

“C-can you just - “ Robbe started.

“Yeah, tell me. Use your words, angel.”

He felt a horrible feeling down to his stomach while looking at him like this, unable to do anything, unable to take his pain away.

“Just stay with me.” He finally mumbled and Sander nodded his head, his heart melting.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Sander could see that Robbe wanted to say more but didn’t, something was holding him back.

“What do you want? What do you need?”

The boy was still hesitant, but after a while he shook his head and started talking.

“I want you to hold me.” He became quiet but then looked at him in the eyes.

“I need you to hold me, please just hold me close.”

Hold me close and never let me go.

And Sander wasted no time, he put his arms around him and made him turn around, put him in his arms, against his chest. And when he felt soft and cold hands, gripping his shirt, he smiled weakly, sadly.

And then the tears came. Robbe started weeping and all Sander could do was to tight his embrace around him, and whisper “I’m here” all over again in his ear.

And they stayed like this for a long time, with Sander touching his back up and down, putting him closer and closer and Robbe clinging to him like his life depended on it, and maybe it really did. A few cars passed by but they didn’t care. The cars had to go all the way around them and Sander’s open car doo so they wouldn’t hit them but neither of them moved a muscle.

And when Robbe finally calmed down, Sander dared to ask “Did something horrible happen?” with his lips in his hair, his legs and hands all around him.

Robbe looked up to him, their faces so close to each other and whispered “No, something good happened” and after seeing Sander’s confused face, he added “I’m just overwhelmed, and happy you’re here.”

“I’m here and I plan to stay with you. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” He chuckled humorously.

“Alright. That’s okay. Can you stand?” Robbe nodded his head and Sander helped him up on his feet, took his hand.

“Let’s go.” Robbe looked up at him weirdly.

“Where?”

“You can’t possibly think I’m leaving you alone right now. Come.” Took his hand and made him walk over to the car, helping him, not letting go for even a second, sat him down on the passenger seat and even put the belt on him, then walked over to the other side and started the car.

For the whole ride he hasn’t taken his eyes off of him, would throw glances at him, checking how he was doing, while Robbe looked out of the window, didn’t let Sander see his whole face but would look at him from time to time and smile to his self sadly, his cheeks still wet, hair messed up, clothes muddy, but to Sander, he still looked the prettiest person he has ever seen. “Where are we going?” He asked after a while.

“To mine.”

Where you belong.

May 17. 01:37

Robbe already knew that Sander lived alone but he was more than grateful for that fact right now. He texted his mom that he wouldn’t be able to see her tonight. He hasn’t even tried to refuse when Sander said he was taking him with him, to his house since all he really wanted to do was to be with him.

It was the first time he came to his home and the way the whole place just screamed “Sander” was so crazy. The walls were even done in black and white or had massive paintings all over them, a lot of posters on them and the paint smudges were visible on the couches.

He made a hot tea for Robbe and gave him some clothes to change into, which he did. They were huge on them, specially the T-shirt. And he hasn’t missed the way Sander looked him up and down when he walked out, but of course, didn’t say anything. He also hasn’t asked any questions about what happened, he was waiting for Robbe to speak up when he was ready.

They were sitting in front of each other, drinking their tea silently.

“So ... “ Sander started, looking at him.

“I broke up with Sebastian.” Robbe said and watched how he caught Sander off guard. He stayed quiet for a while, saying “oh” after a while.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“He’s my friend’s distant cousin and we - “ Robbe started but Sander interupped him.

“You don’t have to.”

Robbe shook his head. “No, no. You deserve to know. I want you to know.”

And after Sander mumbled a soft “okay” and nodded his head, Robbe started.

“You were right. I knew you were right but I was hoping that it would all go back to how it was before, our relationship, you know? But obviously it got worse and worse. It’s been going around like that for months but it got unbearable in the past few weeks.”

“When we met?” Robbe looked down.

“Yeah.”

“So it was mostly my fault then? I ruined your relationship?”

“No, no. It’s not true. You just opened my eyes. It was already ruined. Honestly, the whole thing was doomed before it even started, I was just too blind to see it.”

“It’s over now?”

“Yeah.”

He saw how Sander tried to hide his small smile and smiled himself and started to continue speaking.

“I wish it didn’t get to this and I know I should have listened to you. Even my friends didn’t like him and my mom but I didn’t listen to anybody. I guess I was so happy that I finally came out of the closet and I could be with a boy, fully open, that I didn’t notice all this toxic traits he had, or I just didn’t want to notice it. And I really wanted to just have a normal relationship and I also thought that I didn’t deserve something better than what I had and I - “

“You deserve the world, Robbe, and don’t let anybody make you believe that you don’t.” Sander stopped him to say this which made Robbe blush, ducked his head down. “You can tell me the rest tomorrow or whenever you want.” Robbe could feel that Sander was already looking at his face, but didn’t dare to look up. “You two are over and that’s what matters the most.” And after a while, he added a quiet “I missed you.” Robbe hated how far they away were sitting from each other.

Not waiting for a response, he bent over a little bit and saw that Robbe finished drinking his tea. He asked him before, when they got here, if he wanted to eat something but Robbe refused, only wanted to have a hot drink.

“I think it’s better for you to get some rest now.” He stood up and Robbe followed him when he started walking, trying to calm down his racing thoughts and heartbeat.

Following Sander, he took him to the hallway towards his room which Robbe already saw when he changed his clothes. The room that looked more like Sander than even Sander did.

The room that Robbe instantly fell in love with as soon as he laid his eyes on it.

Sander turned back towards him. “You take the bed and I will sleep on the couch, I’m gonna change the sheets for you.” As soon as the word left his mouth, Robbe’s mood and heart dropped.

“N-no it won’t be necessary. You don’t have to change them.”

I want to feel and smell your aura.

“You sure?”

Robbe nodded his head, he was more than sure about that.

“Okay then.” He walked Robbe to his room and stopped by the door and looked at him while Robbe was still standing there, hesitating to go in, looking at the door intensely like it did something to offend him.

“Sander.” He whispered, his voice already on the edge of breaking, didn’t dare to look at him.

“I’m here, I’m listening.” The way his voice was so soft, so gentle, afraid of what Robbe was about to say and honestly, Robbe was afraid of that too but decided to go for it, decided that bottling stuff up wasn’t the way to lives anymore, decided to say what he wanted.

“Can you stay with me?” He whispered so quietly that he barely heard his own self but when Sander’s expression changed as soon as he heard those words, he knew, Sander heard it too.

“Robbe.” He started, the tone of his voice careful, rethinking what to say.

“No, please. Can you lay with me?” His voice broke at the very end, couldn’t control his self.

Sander sighed and looked away, making Robbe’s stomach drop on the floor.

“Robbe, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” He said softly, afraid of what reaction the boy would have.

Robbe nodded his head, his eyes getting wet but didn’t dare to show it.

“Yeah, okay. You’re right.” He said and walked in the room without looking back.

But he managed to hear Sander’s weak whisper. “In another universe, I’d stay.”

May 17. 03:03

Sander couldn’t sleep, he tried but he couldn’t so he gave up. He knew he’d have to stay up for the whole night. His mind going wild, coming up with new scenarios and scenarios, didn’t know how he should feel. He was happy that Robbe ended things with this jerk, but he was also sad about what kind of situation he had to see Robbe just a few hours ago.

He was devastated about how much that horrible boy messed him up, how many lies he fed him, made him believe that he wasn’t worthy of anything good in life. He has no idea what happened between them but it must have been so bad that Robbe decided to end things with him for real this time after so many failed tries. He also couldn’t think nor sleep because he knew, Robbe was here, in his house, in his room, just a few feet away from him and he has never felt more close and far away from him at the same time.

The past week has been one of the hardest he has ever had to go through. He thought that he lost Robbe for good when his phone stayed silent for days. He even consider texting him again, telling him that it was okay if he didn’t want anything to do with him, beg him to come back to him and he’d take all the pain, all the torture, just to see him again, just to be close to him again, he didn’t care about anything else now, but the part of his self which was already hurting and didn’t need any more pain won, he stayed selfish and hope that it would make Robbe realize the truth and it kind of worked. He’d see how Robbe was active on the Instagram, check his profile again and again, trying to fill the voice inside him by doing this but it was doing the worst.

Noor tried to take his mind away and made him have fun but it didn’t work, nothing could get him to stop thinking about the boy who was sleeping on his bed right now.

He didn’t know what to feel when he saw that Robbe texted him, happiness at first, doubt next, and when he found that he wasn’t well, worry. The anxiousness creeping inside him, unable to let him go.

And after seeing him like this, he’s sure, the part of him died but he felt closer than ever to him, saw that he needed help too. And maybe, just maybe, they could heal and help each other together.

He didn’t even know what time it was but he was still wide awake when he heard footsteps.

Robbe walked slowly, probably afraid of waking Sander up and he gasped a little bit when Sander asked “can’t sleep?”

“No.” Robbe walked up to him, Sander could feel. And when he felt the weight press down on the couch, his heart started beating fast.

“W-what? What are you doing?” He asked nervously but stayed quiet when he felt Robbe laid down next to him, touching him on every part of his body.

For a long time, both of them were quiet until Robbe spoke up, hot air coming out of his mouth, touching pleasantly on Sander’s skin, creating goosebumps all over him.

“I don’t want to be alone. I can’t.” And he put his arms around him, put his head on his chest, entwining their legs together. Sander was sure he stopped breathing, couldn’t move, still processing what was happening.

“Please, don’t let me be alone.” And as if these words had some kind of trigger and effect on Sander, he tighten his grip on him, pulling him close, kissing his forehead.

“Never.” He could feel Robbe’s breathing on his chest, slow and steady but still fast somehow.

“Never again.”

May 17. 10:21

As soon as Robbe woke up, he was met with the fresh smell of breakfast which was served right next to the coffee table, by the couch they slept on last night. His eyes went wide, and he looked around.

He saw Sander sitting on the other side of the couch, with a sketch book in his hands, on his lap. He looked up when he saw Robbe moved his head up and smiled at him. “Good morning, beautiful boy.”

“I-is this for me?” He asked.

“What?” And when he saw how Robbe was staring at the food, he realized.

“Oh, breakfast? Of course. I hope you will like it. I’m not the best chef but I try.” And he gave him the most amazing and cheeky smile Robbe has even seen, showing off his dimples.

“You made it for me?” He still couldn’t hide his surprise and amazement and Sander noticed too.

“Yeah?” He said as if he was saying the word “duh” and Robbe felt a weird sensation about how this was not a big deal to Sander at all.

“Why?”

Sander looked at him like he was dumb.

“So you could eat? What kind of questions do you have?” Robbe looked at the food again, sitting on the table and he felt so much happiness radiating on his body.

Sander made the breakfast for him, while he was asleep so he could eat as soon as he woke up.

Nobody has even made him breakfast.

He was sure he’d cry if he was alone just because of this.

“Did you eat already?” He asked.

“No, I wanted to wait so we could eat together.”

Robbe is sure, whatever he was feeling must have been his heart, melting away.

They started eating together but the peace didn’t last long when Robbe accidentally dropped his fork on the ground.

His eyes went wide. “Shit, shit. I’m so sorry. I swear I will clean up, wait.” and he stand up and started pacing around.

Sander looking at his panic like he grown a second head.

“Hey, it’s okay. Relax. It’s nothing.”

“No, I made a mess, I can’t do anything right, I’m sorry, I will - “ but he was stopped when Sander put his hands on his cheeks, made him stop and look him in the eyes.

“It’s fine, Robbe. It’s nothing. You didn’t do anything.”

It took a little more convincing but in the end, Sander managed to calm him down and make him realize over what he was getting anxious about. And they finished their breakfast calmly after that, until Sander saw something on Robbe’s wrist that made his jaw clenched, but he tried to control his self.

“Can I see your hand?” Robbe looked at him confusingly.

“My hand?” He looked down and his eyes went wide, seeing a few purple and yellow bruises on his wrist.

Sander didn’t wait for a response and took his hand in his own slowly and softly, observing it.

“Did he - “ he started but didn’t finish, it was already obvious and it got confirmed when Robbe stayed quiet.

“I’m gonna kill him.” He growled.

“It’s alright. He must have put a little too force on it when I tried to walk away.”

“No, it’s not alright. Has he ever done something like this before?” He asked and Robbe shook his head.

“No, he never used - yeah, he hasn’t.”

What Sander did next was so unexpected, he took his hand close to his face and kissed his bruises. Robbe swallowed. And when Sander put it down, he gave him a look that Robbe couldn’t quite understand, a look filled with something so pure and unique, his legs started shaking.

“Robbe.”

“Hm?”

“Did you really mean that?”

“Mean what?”

“That you want to be with me?”

“I mean it but “ Sander’s expression totally changed at the last word.

“But?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to be with somebody right now.” Sander breathed out, relived and smiled at him.

“I will wait for you, no matter how long it will take. Didn’t I tell you that you’d be worth the wait? Just tell me that it will happen in the end.” He took a step closer to him, looked deep into Robbe’s eyes. “Just tell me that we will happen.” Robbe got lost in his eyes, forgot to answer, forgot to think, forgot to breath.

“We’ll happen.”

Sander smiled at him. “Then you have nothing to worry about. I’m here and I will always be here alright?”

Robbe couldn’t help but ask with a shaky voice. “You promise?”

“I do. I promise and you know how much I hate breaking promises.”

A special and huge thanks goes out to @cleocc for helping me plan this chapter and talking to me about it.

Chapter 23

[poptod]

October 1st (Elliot Alderson x Reader)

Description: He waits until the last moment and it’s too late.

Notes: i wrote a love letter to my friend but im never gonna send it so im profiting off my misery. gender neutral as usual

Word Count: 1.9k

+

Sad, sick people have a tendency of gravitating towards each other, whether or not they're aware of the illness of the other person. You know this quite well – in your rather sick childhood, where your mind was plagued with thoughts of self hatred, most of the friends you made were just about as sad as you. Looking back, it is a rather horrifying thought considering you were only twelve and so ready to die. Your mother said you were exaggerating, and that makes sense. Things were dramatized back then. But there's a flicker of truth in there, a small part within the soul that truly believed they should be dead. There's no sicker thought than that.

This trait, that part of yourself, carried through into adulthood. Unfortunate, really – that means it isn't just teenage drama, it isn't just your peers or your family. It's you. You look at yourself in the mirror and realize with tired, drooping eyes that it was always you. There's a quote – something along the lines of, "some people grow sad very young, and I know this, for I am one."

Elliot is sort of like that, too. Well, the two of you get on fine – in both life and within your friendship – and you don't really need to talk about it. You're both well aware of the others' problems, but it doesn't need to be mentioned. All you do is sit in cafe's together so neither of you are approached by creepy people and smoke together at his apartment. It doesn't need to be more than that.

Despite that barrier in your head, he's still your best friend. Maybe because he's one of your only friends, the other being an internet friend who you visit every now and then. Oh well. You lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle – you don't need a lot of friends. Just one to hang around.

Still, he does get around sometimes. He gets up out of nowhere, you ask where he's off to, and he says out. Most of the time he doesn't let you come, but this time he has and he's just wandering around. Looking at people and rationalizing their presence, watching the birds on benches, staring at shopfronts. For a moment you think to ask why he'd take such excursions in such cold weather, but with a glance to his peaced out face you know he doesn't have an answer.

You suppose that's just fine – there's something about fall that has you enjoying time outdoors. The piles of golden and red leaves pushed up against the sides of the streets, the coffee signs in front of every cafe, each with their own drawings of steaming coffee, and of course the scents in the air. It's not a particularly nice part of the city, but it has a fair share of restaurants and most smell of apple cider and cinnamon. The taste of pumpkin is also there; probably because you're sitting next to a Starbucks.

People pass by you donned in fuzzy jackets and long scarves. You look a bit like them; you're not a fan of the cold, so you have mittens, a hat, boots, and a scarf. Elliot on the other hand is much the same, as usual, and you don't expect him to ever stray from that routine. You like his routine. It's familiar.

"I'm leaving soon," you finally blurt out, a topic barely in your conscious mind but ravaging your subconscious. It's both good and bad news, considering the trip is for getting a doctorate, but it's clear he doesn't feel the same way. His eyes widen and he looks to you almost incredulously.

"Where?" He asks.

"Berlin. They've got this program for foreign students. I'll finally be able to get my doctorate in linguistics," you say, nodding to yourself. "I, um... I don't know if I'll be back."

"Why not?" He asks in a softer, rougher voice.

"It's an expensive move, you know? And there aren't that many jobs for linguists here.. at least, there's more in Europe," you half mumble, staring at your fidgeting fingers.

He gets up and leaves. Without another word except an astounded stare out into space, he stands and leaves you on the bench. You almost go after him, but he's got that look about him, and you know he's a little lost in thought. It'll be fine – you won't leave for a little while (not until October, actually), which gives you some real time with Elliot, if that's what he wants. As hard as it is for people to read him, you have a knack for it. That's probably why he spends any time at all with you.

You're going to miss him quite a lot. Lying in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling in your sleep clothes, the clock well past midnight, you wonder if he'll miss you too. He hasn't talked to you since you told him, which you did a good week or so ago now. Guilt settles deep in your chest – he's a man of routine and you're seriously breaking it. Fortunately, it's not really your problem. You have your own life and it doesn't revolve around what makes him comfortable.

You still feel bad about it, though.

About two weeks before you're set to leave he finally texts you, telling you to come visit him, and though he doesn't say it you know he means one last time. You get it right before you're about to get in the bath, and instantly you reach for the drain, unplugging it to let it drain while you redress yourself. Something nice – not your sweatpants, no matter how warm they are in the late September chill.

Outside rain falls in great sheets, battering down on the already dead leaves and the many, many busy people. Most everyone you pass by is dressed in black – black coats, black pants, black umbrellas. It's like they're mourning a death, though the only death you can think of is that of summer. You don't have an umbrella in your bag, but there's enough people on the streets with umbrellas and enough overhangs that you manage to stay mostly-dry, till the crowd thins out around Elliot's apartment and you get drenched. Droplets of water run down your fully-soaked hair, falling cold on your eyelashes and turning your nose a blushing pink.

Excitement pounds through your heart at the prospect of seeing your friend again. People at your workplace are nice, but no one is quite as intricate or interesting like he is. Every person is special, as are you, but you find yourself looking for the same traits in all your friends. A sort of quiet person with far too much beneath the surface. That's the only way you know how to describe what exactly Elliot is – well, he's kind. Soft-spoken, usually. Lost in his thoughts. Distant. Compassionate, and surprisingly, warm. You don't hug him much but he's warm, and for some reason you never expect it.

He lights the joint, taking a few puffs to ensure it's working before handing it to you, leaning over the small couch so you can reach. Smoke clouds itself in your lungs, forming pockets of dry, happy thoughts in your head. It all comes out with your exhale, like the freeze of hot breath in winter and the fog of dry ice.

"I love you," you say. Blurting is becoming a bad habit for you, but that's okay. You won't see him for a long time, and you need to get it out, no matter how surprised Elliot looks. He always looks a little surprised. "You know that, right?"

He laughs – he actually laughs. A smile spreads across his usually dull cheeks, and a blush crosses him, pink around his grin and pronounced in his ears and the tip of his rounded nose. You can't help it so you smile with him, absorbing the entirety of his fluster. He's always so closed off. Maybe you help him out of that hole, but it's mostly wishful thinking that drives your thought process towards that.

A cloud of smoke releases itself from Elliot's mouth. He doesn't say anything in relation to your announcement, but you don't particularly expect him to. He's a little odd when it comes to affection. You don't mind it in the least, too caught up in memorizing his little movements and his breathy sighs to bother with the tough things.

So that's it. You spend one more afternoon-into-evening with him, and you don't see him again, not at the airport, not over text or Skype. There was a chance of that – you knew that, but it still disappoints and saddens you to watch the ground disappear, the last memory of your Elliot from several days ago. It feels as though it's already fading despite the fact that you remember every detail of your time with him. How could you forget?

Fidgeting with your bag on the plane, you close your eyes and wonder what things will be like when you get back, if you ever do. Your bag is a little like his jacket – a comfort, with fringes that are easy to fidget with, as much as it might annoy the person sitting next to you. Anxiously you dig your hand into your bag, looking for your anxiety meds, only for your fingers to brush against paper.

You don't have paper in your bag.

Pinching it between your fingers, you pull the paper out, revealing an envelope with your name on it. With shaking hands you tear open the glue, unfolding a note scrawled onto leaf paper. There aren't any lines for guiding, but the words are perfectly spaced.

(Y/N),

I'm not sure if I'll ever send this to you. Maybe not – everything is so unsure right now. My constants in this hectic state of the world are few and most are not good. My job, my scars, my anxiety, they never go away but neither do you. It may seem inconsequential to you – you're likable and you have other friends, but I don't. Not really. I have you, though, and it often feels like that's enough.

I always wanted a forever person; someone there throughout all life for better or worse. A bit like tonight – it ended with a bar fight, but somehow I enjoyed it. I looked to you and you were grinning and bashing a guy's head in, and somehow that made me smile. It's always better with you. I don't talk about that enough.

You're the good in the world. I find it hard to believe, much less articulate, how good you are. How kind. Understanding. Creative, open, pure in the best way. You make me want to become a better person, and isn't that what humans strive for? A connection with someone who makes you believe the world is capable of good, someone that makes you believe you'll be alright – so long as you stick by their side.

I don't write these kinds of things. You know that – I don't like bringing my deeper emotions to light. But you're safe and I trust you; I just hope you understand how special you are to me. You deserve so much good and I wish I could give that to you. I can't give you what I want to give you, but I will always be your friend, no matter what.

Elliot

He wrote this a while ago. That bar fight was a year or so ago – is that how long he's been keeping this letter back? Is this why he asked you to come over? ... Is this his attempt to get you to stay?

The plane's already over the ocean. You can't even see the shore anymore.

You realize just a little too late that he's the good in the world.

[angelkurenai]

Imagine Jake thinking you want to break up with him and are hiding it from him only to realise that the only secret you have is that you’re pregnant.

It had been weeks, if not months, of it all. Months preparations. Months of brainstorming. Months of inspiration, writing and synthesizing and recording. Months in the studios, behind cameras, in front of cameras, recording and singing. Months of worries and nerves and anxiety and some tears of frustration. Months of... love, though, too.

Months of staying in bed till the late hours of the morning, till noon very often, with you in his arms as he hurried to write down the next lyrics that came in your mind. Months a sweet mess of kissing, loving, tender touches as he expressed how proud of you he was and admiring you – and if he took a bit of extra pleasure in the way your cheeks turned different shades of red in the meantime then he was guilty. Months spent listening to your singing, prying you to sing those songs you kept a secret from him because you insisted were a surprise, the giddy feeling in his heart growing as did his pride once more – and if he took a bit extra pleasure in it that you had written songs specifically for him then guilty again he was but he'd gladly admit it, say it to the rest o the world, that it was all for him.

It had been months and it all passed in what felt like a blink of an eye. Your album, the fifth in a row, had taken longer than the previous ones to come out because of how hard things had been for you. Jake didn't like to think that it was on him, but he hoped and prayed that he had played some part in helping you stand on your feet again. Even if it was in the slightest – and your songs, which you had clearly admitted were for him even though he had not listened to all of them yet, confirmed that – it was to day the biggest achievement in his life. He was in a way part of the album himself and part of you as he enjoyed the love your fans all around the world showered it and you with.

There was not a single thing about it all that did not make his heart soar. That is, except for the part of a video which he was currently watching with his heart sinking deeper and deeper with each word.

I know you're thinking I'm heartless I know you're thinking I'm cold I'm just protecting my innocence I'm just protecting my soul

It took him a couple seconds, in between the wonderful beat, your captivating voice and stunning looks which he couldn't get enough of – the way you radiated, pure happiness written all over your face with your smile brighter than it had ever been at the beginning of the video – he had almost missed the lyrics. He had not heard the song before, so he guessed it had to be new and one of those you had kept a secret from him.

I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt

And that was not the kind of sweet, loving lyrics he had imagined. You were not one to write the kind of love songs he could easily find all around, but there were always true emotions into your songs and the lyrics, the music and your singing always managed to convey that. It was so unlike that now.

As was the way he felt.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true I'm way too good at goodbyes (I'm way too good at goodbyes)

The lump in his throat felt almost painful. He couldn't swallow and his lungs were protesting because of the lack of air but he couldn't find it in himself to take a breath in or let a breath out. It felt like if he dared even part his lips any moment now a sob would break through and it would really be the worst time possible. Not to mention it would be irrational or even worse stupid. You would certainly think so if you saw him react like this. It was stupid, the more he thought of it, to be so affected by a song in this way, to feel like his heart was breaking slowly but surely with each second passing by as if you had told him straight in his face that things weren't right between the two of you anymore. It was just a song, there was no reason for him to react the way he was and as grown adults talking it out was what should be done, he knew it, yet... the mere thought of it made him feel more nauseous than listening to the song. You always wrote about what you felt, what you were thinking or going through. Even if he wanted to believe that this was the happiest moment of your life, your song didn't really say the same.

Even more, scarily so, the fact that it was your relationship that was the reason behind such a song only verified his fears that you wanted to leave him. It made him dizzy.

At least pausing it luckily managed to calm down his shakily beating heart and the echo in his ears, even if the rush of blood still felt too loud. No more so than the scary jump his heart did at the prospect of talking with you. He'd have to, he knew it, even if the prospect filled him with dread.

He realised that he would but only when the time was right, he didn't have to rush into it. He could think things through and maybe even, funnily enough, when he got a sign that it was the right moment he'd talk with you about it. Hopefully that sign would take forever to come though, a small part of his hoped so. Just because he knew he should didn't mean he was ready to, more fear creeping in at the possibility that that talk would be the perfect opportunity for you to end it for good.

So it was fair to say, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a fluffy pillow make contact with his face, only to hear your laughter following soon afterwards.

“And here I thought that the whole thing was a joke. Does a woman have to get naked to get her man's attention after all?” you scoffed, seriously yet with a look of playfulness on your face that didn't seem to register in his mind “Shame, Gyllenhaal, I thought you were different. You used to not be able to take your eyes off me even when I was in my old sweats. Maybe I'll have to reconsider about how perfect out relationship really is.”

“I uh- I'm not- It's not wh- I was only-” the wrong choice of words as well as the timing had him scrambling for words. What could he really say? He could take this for a sign but he felt like the situation was far from right – if not he was far from prepared – to speak about it.

You spared him the effort though when you laughed and leaned over the bed to peck his lips “You're so fun to mess with, you know. So, aren't you gonna tell me what you've been up to? Or I could get naked to make you say it, though you know that'll be more of a torture for you than fun. Your choice.”

He could get lost in your eyes and the way they were sparkling with mischief, your grin was almost always intoxicating. But at the very moment, despite how much he wanted to get drunk in you, the small voice in the back of his head brought him back to the harsh reality faster and more shockingly than a bucket of ice cold water being dumped on him.

“No” he forced a smile on his lips, praying it look believable enough “I don't think there's any need for that. In fact I-” he let a small breath as he got up and made his way towards you.

You paused mid-movement, in the process of changing clothes, frowning when he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck. He took a deep breath in and squeezed your middle, only to make your smile fade a bit.

“I think I like this better.” he mumbled against your skin before after a few long seconds he pulled away to stare into your eyes “It's been a long time since we've had this. In complete silence that is. In peace.”

“You know I would never complain but... didn't you have plans for today already?” you asked slowly, placing your handson his chest.

“I... know. But I could just cancel. It's your first day off after the album came out and all the singing that...” he paused, bringing a hand up to trace his fingers over your cheek with a touch light as a feather. He tried not to think that this could be one of the last times he did this, tried not to think that he was actually memorizing your features in case tomorrow was the last he saw of you. “I don't want to walk out on you.” the words came rushing out of his lips before he could stop it “I- I never want it, even when I do so. I almost hate myself those times, I want you to know that.”

“I do but-” you shrugged, avoiding his eyes because you both knew that with both of your careers in the way, you had lost many opportunities and important moments other couples could so easily have “I'm alright with it, I'm used to it. I don't have a problem with you walking out.” you emphasized as if quoting him. You meant it to lighten the mood but his frown only deepened.

“That doesn't mean you should have to.” he whispered, forehead leaning against yours “But that's all my fault, I am the only one to blame. These past months we've been together all the time and that only because of work, in a way, and it shouldn't have been so. We should just be close like this without anything in our mind for once. Just like when we first got together. Who knows... for how long we can have that.”

“Jake, honey-” you blinked, pulling slightly away and for a moment he felt the fear and doubts creep up again. What if all this clinging had the exact opposite effect? What if it made you want to end this even sooner? It made Jake feel his throat close up again, as if he was choking on thin air but it was probably his own tears threatening to break free along with a sob or two for sure.

“...alright, because you're making me worry here. Is there something you want to tell me?” it took him a couple secondsto realise he had zoned out.

“No, no.” he finally choked out, the task of speaking seeming so difficult but tone instead of reassuring you seemed to have the exact opposite effect of making you frown even more. Instead of saying anything else or letting you question it, he tightened his hold on you and brought you in closer. He took in the moment, savoring the feeling of you in his arms, of breathing in your scent, of feeling your warmth.

“Everything's just fine. It will be just fine.” he whispered, but he didn't know if it was more to himself or you. The small voice in his head that was so scared calmed only momentarily.

“Alright, if... if you don't want to, if you're not ready for that yet, I can wait.” you whispered hesitantly “If it's not easy to open up about it yet... I'm alright with this.”

Keeping secrets. The thought made him wince. That was surely what you believed and he wanted to kick himself for it. In just a couple seconds, with every attempt to make things better, he had managed to make things even worse.

“No, no baby-” he put on a smile as he pulled away, the laughing almost hurting him but thankfully it sounded believable “It's not that I don't want to open up to you. It's just that there's nothing wrong going on, honestly. I only realized how little time we've been spending together and thought it's time I changed that. We could be closer than what we already are, right? There's nothing wrong with that, with opening up and-” he shrugged “Trusting each other. You know you don't have to protect yourself all on your own, I could do that for you too.”

“I- Of course I know that, where did all this come from Jake? You really don't sound like yourself today, you know that? I- I want to believe it's alright but this is... confusing me. And you-” you paused abruptly, almost too abruptly as you tried to keep your eyes from widening but it was already too late “You- Hon, Jake, you didn't... find anything did you?”

“Find anything?” he frowned “Like what? Should I have come across something?”

“N-n-no” you said shakily, avoiding his eyes “Of course not. And it's not like I have something to tell you either. Nothing at all.” you laughed nervously “I only asked because, well, I'm just wondering, if you came across something that I didn't know of. Something new o- or something that-”

“You tried to keep hidden from me?” he asked almost playfully, for the first time managing to completely forget the song. But despite thinking that it would make you laugh, it only managed to make you more nervous.

“No” you said a little too fast “Of course not. It's not like I have any secrets from you, you know that.” you avoided his eyes “If anything-” you cleared your throat “That's more like your thing today.”

“We'll talk about it, promise.” he leaned in to kiss your cheek, his lips lingering a moment too long.

“So there is something?” you asked softly but he still insisted to shake his head.

“No. No there's not.” he could take the opportunity but he wasn't ready for it. Even if he knew that all these moments shared between you could easily be the last ones shared, that they could even be not fully heartfelt, he was going to pretend they were true. “I was also thinking, when was the last time we took a bath together? Just what we need right now to relax. I couldn't think of anything better.”

“Ah so you were planning on getting me naked.” you said with a smile, his finally must have been believable enough. Despite his own feelings, he couldn't help but chuckle a bit at your playfulness that he wished so bad was real. “Fair enough, since I get to have you naked too. Though I'll prep the bath, you're the worst at it honey. With all the love. But you can chose the music.”

You knew you said it almost too fast but you couldn't risk it, especially as you pulled away from him to make your way to the bathroom, but you couldn't risk it.

“Fine by me as long as...” he bit his lower lip in thought “You don't mind hearing to yourself sing the whole time. The new album came out perfect and you know I love he songs...” he could stop there he knew he could but he didn't and he didn't know if he would end up regretting it or not, but he had to “Even the ones you kept a secret as a surprise from me.”

“Oh so I'm guessing you heard to a new one today. Well, I'd love to hear your thoughts later. But for now, I'll make only one request and then you can put on any song you want to.” you let the water flow as you searched for your favorite bottle of shampoo, hearing a hum come from him “Try 'Too good at goodbyes' by Sam Smith. I've got that song stuck in my head ever since I did the cover for BBC Radio 1, I swear. More than the songs I wrote myself, despite how sad it is sometimes.”

The words poured out of your lips without a second thought really, too busy pouring the last bits of the liquid that were left in the bathtub before moving to throw the bottle away. Only to stop midmovement when you heard a loud... crushing sound? You couldn't make it out, you could swear you also heard a groan as well. It was soon followed by hurrying steps towards the bathroom where a frantic Jake appeared, eyes wide and breath stuck in his chest.

“Wha- Whose song did you just say?”

“Sam Smith's...?” you said a bit hesitantly “The song may not be the best for sweet couple moments but it's just constantly on my mind for some reason. But then I'll sing all the love songs you want from me, honey, promise. Why though? I don't get- Do you have a problem with that? Don't like his songs or something?”

“No, he's a great. He's- I didn't think you- With all the new songs, I thought- I wasn't- It wasn't yours. I believed- I heard-” he blinked rapidly, his eyes moving away from you as countless thought ran through his mind, until of course all thoughts were also thrown right out of the window and his mind filled with a buzzing wide and his heart jumped to his throat “Uh (Y/n). What's- What's that?”

Your eyes followed his eyes towards the open trashcan and they widened as you realised you were in the exact situation you had been trying to avoid. It was just your luck it was entirely empty save for, well, that.

“Is-” he got closer, taking a better look, and this time actually asking instead of making wrong assumptions or torturing himself any further “Is that yours?”

The song may have not been yours, but the positive pregnancy test certainly was.

[stargazerholland]

Home - Peter Parker

Peter Parker x Reader

Summary : You’re left to do an English assignment that catches you off guard, but Peter may or may not have been your inspiration.

Warnings: Cussing (let me know if you find any, though!)

Words: 3.2 k

What is home? The message was sprawled across the board as your English teacher, Mr. Gilloway stared at the class, eyebrows scrunched up and his hooked nose crinkled. The soft light bounced off of his bald head. 

“Since you all like to complain about wanting to go home, you might as well write down what is home. You can either write it as a descriptive piece, because I’d live to know why you want to go so badly,” he said sarcastically, “Or whatever comes to mind. It’s due in a month, so Flash, you better not complain about not having completed your work. You will also have to present in front of the class just so I can hear your wonderful voices grace my god-awful days. Class dismissed.” 

You had no idea as to what is home to you, as you’ve never felt at home wherever you go. It seemed as though you never stuck to one place. A million thoughts ran through your mind thinking of a solution as to how you were going to come up with an answer, when you meet up with your best friends, Ned Leeds and Peter Parker near the school’s overcrowded parking lot.

“Hey, Y/N! Are you ok? You look a bit.. distracted.” Ned stated, his voice laced with concern. Ned always looked out for you, right after Peter. The duo had welcomed you into their “super secret that no other soul should ever be told cult” with open arms, when you had first moved to Queens. Overtime, the three of you were inseparable, the school knowing you as the three who would be sitting in the quiet, snug corner of the cafeteria fighting over who was the actual hero in Star Wars. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, just thrown ‘off the rails’, if that’s even a saying,” You created air quotes to try to emphasize it, “it’s just Mr. Gilloway being a pain in the ass with his ‘deep and meaningful projects’ that are supposed to bring us to a realization of some unknown idea to our ‘uneducated minds’, whatever he means.” The Polynesian boy smiled, his pudgy cheeks showing off the rosiness of his almond skin tone.

“Peter and I both told you not to take AP English and look at where it got you, huh,” he taunted, as you looked to see both of them give their signature ‘I told you so’ faces, with their eyebrows raised and an amused smile, “just goes to show that we’re always right.” 

With a roll of your eyes, you moved on to go home, 

“Yeah, yeah, thanks mom. I’m gonna head out now. See you in chem tomorrow.” Before you left to catch the subway, Peter grabbed your wrist and said, 

“Wanna come over? May misses you and we’d love to have you for the evening.”

You quickly nodded in affirmation and sent your mom a text to let her know about your whereabouts. The ride to his place was the same as always, sharing the headphones to listen to AC/DC, you complaining about Flash being your lab partner, and Peter sharing the previous night’s events during his patrol. Everything felt right at the moment, as if he was your safety blanket. Peter had the ability to radiate this sense of comfort even if you were across the room from him. 

The subway finally stopped at your final destination, and you soon found yourself in the small, cozy apartment. It was the same as always, the soft grey throw blanket draped over the back of the worn out brown couch, and the smell of charred bread in the air. It was simple, just like the family. You sent a simple wave to Peter’s Aunt May and followed Peter to his room to start on your Chemistry homework. 

Hours later, there were papers filled with math calculations and Chemistry formulas scattering the small room, as Peter was munching on some cheese-flavored potato chips. 

“Did you get seventeen moles of copper nitrate for number 8?” Peter inquired, causing you to let out a groan.

“It’s seventeen? I got twenty-nine. Pete, I’m a hopeless teenager who doesn’t understand a single thing about this right now,” You heard a chuckle across from you and looked up, only to find Peter staring at you, something was different about his expression, but you still threw you eraser at him. Peter simply replied, 

“Instead of complaining, you could have just asked. Lemme see what’s wrong… Ah,” he went on to explain the confusing lesson, however everything he said became sets of useless words as you were focusing on what was happening to you. Your entire body filled with warmth, while your heart was beating feverishly, like you’d just ran a marathon. The constant feeling of elevation in your stomach was overbearing, it felt like the spark on a tungsten before it reached the gunpowder for fireworks. It was different to what authors wrote in their stories, it was so much more than what you’d imagine, but it didn’t feel like love. The constant overcame your mind until you heard Peter call your name,  

“Y/N, Y/N, are you still alive? May’s calling us for dinner, it’s Thai Food Thursday.” For the rest of the night, you could feel yourself being distant and distracted from the conversation, all thanks to Peter. 

A week later, you still hadn’t made any progress on your English paper, which made you dread English class even more than you had before. Your past made it harder to even get an understanding of what home even was when all you could think of was your father. 

Your father was always distant from you and your mother, acting like a guest at a bed and breakfast where he was only there for the night. Some weeks, he’d have to leave for a business trip, not coming back for a few weeks, or at least you thought that until you found him at a city nearby while being on a class field trip the fifth grade. He was with a familiar woman who you’d known growing up, Aunt Lydia, your mother’s younger sister. It turned out that your father had become infatuated with her in the duration of his first marriage, eventually starting a new family with Aunt Lydia and being much happier with her. The news spread like wildfire in a forest, eventually getting to your mother last. It broke you to know that your father would rather spend his days with some other kids than with you, another woman instead of your mother. After a short 2 weeks, the two of you had packed your bags and moved to Queens to forget the past, making it seem as if everything you knew from before was now supposed to be thrown out of a window. The project was no use when now all you could think of was a cold space where tension was intermingled in the air, and pain stained into the deepest threads of the couch pillows when you thought of home. 

The library was almost completely empty, which was usual considering that the people of New York had better things to do than spend their time at the library, except for you, Peter, and now Ned. It was your annual reader’s binge night, where you’d all spend the afternoon reading a book from start to end, and then go out for a sub at the small, family-owned deli from around the corner. It was a tradition, and allowed you to bask in each other’s presence without the hassle of having to talk. The sounds of iced coffee being sipped and the constant whoosh of pages could be heard throughout the day. After the author had infuriated you enough with their cliche-filled sci-fi novel, you looked up to break the silence, until the sight of the room stopped you. More specifically, Peter. The sunlight shining in through the gigantic windows had illuminated the small features of his fair, pale face, like the freckles that were sprinkled all over his nose and cheeks just as the course sugar on sugar cookies. His chestnut brown hair became an array of colors as the copper undertones shining through, as he was concentrating on the book before him. Peter’s state of peace made you feel safe, as if nothing bad was going to happen to you. The time flew by as if it were like seconds as you continued to take in his image, until you felt a twinge on the side of your head, looking to your side to find a plastic straw on the ground.

“Y/N, you can stare at Peter after finishing the book. Now hurry up or else Mr. Delmar’s is gonna close up shop before we even finish!” Ned exclaimed as he smirked at your actions. Peter softly chuckled as you flipped off Ned, before all three of you went back to the book. While you mindlessly flipped pages, all that you could ponder was the same weird feeling that you felt at Peter’s house. It was almost as if you belonged there, as if you weren’t an outcast who had came out of nowhere. There was something about the feelings you had that you couldn’t comprehend completely, but it was becoming more and more prominent to you each day. Whatever the universe is trying to tell me, it sure is fucking me over, you thought, just as you saw your best friends close their books. Peter saw your expression, it was evident that you were deep in thought, and asked, 

“You okay, Y/N?” To which you simply replied in the most New York way possible, 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wanna go grabba sub now?”

You picked up the group’s sandwiches and headed over when you heard Ned and Peter talking about you, 

“I don’t know, Ned, Y/N is hard to be around when she can’t even take a hint,” You stopped dead in your tracks, like gravity was pulling you down and you weren’t able to move your feet. It felt like the day at the school field trip, everything you once knew was fabricated and far from what you thought your friendship was. 

“Peter, you’re going to have to tell her someday. It’s hurting you and it's probably gonna hurt her too in the future,” you took your chance and walked in before any more damage could be done to your friendship. 

“Whatcha talkin’ about?” You said as you sat down. The two shook their heads, muttering words that you couldn’t make out, and started a new conversation. Throughout the rest of the day, you couldn’t help but wonder about what you’d done wrong, guilt and fear flowing through your veins as if your blood had been replaced with it. 

You  invited Peter over the next day for dinner to repay him for when you ate at his house last time, and in hopes to try to mend whatever tension Peter was feeling. The dingy apartment that you’d been living in for the past 5 years was usually dull and quiet, your mom still hadn’t comprehended how her sister could betray her and you were left trying to feel the same way as she did when you were younger, when your family wasn’t broken. While eating the burnt ends of your chicken parm, the English project was still running on your mind. Of course Peter knew you were thinking about it, so naturally, he had to ask how the English assignment was coming along. 

“I can’t connect with anyone or anything that relates to my home. I am genuinely convinced that literally everyone hates me, and soon I’ll be living alone with my three cats in a studio apartment!” You complained as your arms flew up in exaggeration. Peter, on the other hand, seemed frustrated, with his eyes in annoyance and his knuckles turning white from clenching them so hard. Peter cried,

“Well, maybe if you would just open up and try to let more people into your life, then you wouldn’t be here right now!” At this point, the tension you tried to get rid of was now a thick fog that couldn’t be seen through. 

“That’s impossible, Peter! You, out of all people, know it’s hard for me to get close with someone, when practically no one finds me bearable,” you looked at him with anger, “not even you.” Peter was taken aback, 

“How did you hear that?” 

“So it was true,” you scoffed as you felt the wet trail of plump tears run down your cheeks, “gee, thanks a lot, Pete.” He stood up, intimidating you, as he boomed,

“Well, yeah, it is. All you ever do is push away anyone whoever tries to get close to you. You’ve built this thick barrier around everyone and it stupid. Grow up and stop acting like a four year-old, it's annoying,” and immediately walked out the tiny apartment’s door. 

You sunk down in your chair, the tears flowing faster and add onto the pain-ridden apartment. There goes someone else I love, you pondered, I love you, Peter, more than I’ve loved anyone else. 

Your English assignment was now due in a week and a half's worth of time and you’d barely had an outline or a single idea as to what you wanted to write about. For multiple nights, you would just sit in front of your grey, busted laptop and stare at the blank document until you’d figured it was now time to sleep. Multiple sentences that were once on the document soon disappeared by the click of a button immediately after.

As sleep-deprived teenagers rushed to leave the room, you went up to Mr. Gilloway, intimidated by the hunch on his back that formed every time he was scrolling down the New York Times about another political outburst from the Senator. It wasn’t that Mr. Gilloway was bad in person, it was just that he tended to be very unfiltered. All it took was one glance from him and you knew that you were going to take in the bitter and harshful words about not working on the assignment. But you took the leap anyway, and took all the courage you had in you to ask,

“Mr. Gilloway, I don’t know what to write for the assignment. I keep thinking about it, but nothing is coming to mind and I really have no clue as to what home is.” Squeezing you eyes, you braced for the string of words that were meaningless to him.  

“Well, what was it like for you to be at home? Anyone particular who comes to mind? Or perhaps a memory that just replays over and over in your head? Remember, Y/N that home is not a definitive object, you can make it anything you want. It could be the simplest idea, or something over the top, but that is what it means to you. I have full trust in you to go with your guts and write wha’ is home to you,” Mr. Gilloway gently replied. His response was out of character compared to who he really was. It was unrecognizable, sympathy and gentleness was the last thing that would come across anyone’s mind when they thought of Mr. Gilloway. Unable to form words, you nodded your head, only to hear, “Now go, I need to catch up on what our jackass of a Senator we have right now.” 

It wasn’t until you got onto your laptop once again when you knew what to write about. You finally had an idea. 

It was finally the day of the presentation and your nerves got the best of you. The past week was more muted, with evenings spent writing the English assignment, and the daytime spent studying in the library in hopes to avoid Peter. It was also the most emotionally draining week, knowing you couldn’t just go up and tell him how you really felt about him. 

Y/N, it’s your turn. And Flash, puh-LEASE keep the flirting for someplace else, my classroom is not a ‘Singles Mingle’,” Mr. Gilloway said. The voice at the back of your head kept telling you don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up. The anxiety of sharing something so intimate with a group of bored teenagers was nerve wracking, so much so that your hands were quivering. 

“Home is an abstract idea, and to most people, it is their place to go to sleep, eat, and repeat. In my entire life, I'd never felt like I was at home until just recently when I came to know how I know I am at home. Home is a blend of emotions, where there are multiple feelings every time you’re there, A sense of belonging, where no matter how different, broken, or mismanaged  a person is, they still know that the very spot will always let them be themselves. Home is where a person feels comfort and safety, where they know that they will be supported and consoled through all the times you’ve been through. A sense of adoration that lingers in the air, making a person feel loved for who they are. The idea that a person knows who they are when they’re at this place, or with this person, makes us realize that this very place is our home. My home is with someone who I’ve known for a while, and even a glance into their brown eyes makes me feel complete. As they always say, home is where the heart lies.” 

You looked around the room to see blank stares and an unusual smile from Mr. Gilloway, but it was relieving to feel the overbearing weight of not knowing yourself being lifted off your shoulders. 

Once class had ended, you heard your name being called by none other than Peter. 

“Was your speech about me?” Peter had a look of desperation and hope, “I feel like home to you?” How’d he listen? You thought, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.  

“I asked Mr. Gilloway,” Peter had read your mind, “Y/N, I only said I couldn’t bear you because I’m so deeply in love with you, but you never see that. It’s kind of hard to be friendzoned all the time, y’know?” 

The moment you had awaited all along finally came in the least expected way, nor was it how everyone else described it to be. There were no fireworks in the background but instead, it was just as if the world had stopped around you. 

“I love you too, Peter,” you whispered. 

“So is it true?” With a simple nod and a small smile, you said, 

“Yeah, it is about you, Peter.” A soft smile creeps up his face as he pulls you into his arms. It felt right, as if your body was perfectly molded to fit into his embrace. You decided to take the risk and pulled away, placing your hands over his pillowy cheeks, and pulled him towards you. You placed your lips on his, they were soft and smooth, with a hint of vanilla from the chapstick you made him use after seeing how rough they were a few months back. Peter kissed back, trying to empty all the love and adoration he had kept inside of him. 

You couldn’t tell what the future held for you two, but you made a vow, right then and there that you would protect him with your entire heart, help him after his patrol’s and night, and most importantly, keep him in your heart for the rest of your life. 

This was your home, right here with Peter. 

A/N: Hi! I hope you liked this piece, I’ve had a a writer’s block for almost 2 years now, so to write this was a bit of a struggle, but it’s all good! Feel free to send over any requests or criticism. I also have to give an honorary mention to @wazzupmrstark​! Her INCREDIBLE works gave me a bit of a push and inspo to get back to writing, so thank you so so much Kaili! (i’ll stop annoying you guys, byee :) )

[lyssismagical]

Did my heart love till now? For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night

Parkner Week Day Four: “I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.” / coming out / first date

Peter slips out onto the fire escape, desperate to escape his obnoxious roommates for even a minute.

The city is dark and quiet, despite it only being eleven. Peter’s surprised, considering it’s New York, but the borough they live in is different than Queens or Manhattan ever was.

Harry and Gwen’s bickering follows him out onto the fire escape, so he shuts the window behind him, muffling their voices. They fight a lot. He knows they mean well, they love each other deep down, but they’ve both got big personalities, lots of opinions, and they’re both too stubborn to step down from a fight. Peter’s been appointed as the peacemaker of the group, but even then, there’s only so much he can do. It’s easier somedays to leave them to fight for a little while, get it out of their system, than to try to get them to reconcile.

It doesn’t help that they’re all struggling college students, desperately trying to make a name for themselves in a big city like New York. Harry wants to be a director or maybe join the fashion scene if he can, Gwen wants to make it as an actress, and Peter’s dream is to get on Broadway. They’re all nineteen, though, barely scraping by at NYU or AMDA, trying to pay rent with their minimum wage jobs as waiters.

It isn’t particularly easy, but when has anything ever been easy?

Just because the chances are slim and there will be a lot of struggle, doesn’t mean any of them are willing to give up on their dreams. They’re all prepared for the hardships as long as they have each other.

“What light through yonder window breaks?” A voice calls out from the street below where Peter’s feet dangle. “It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she: Be not her maid, since she is envious; Her vestal livery is but sick and green and none but fools do wear it; cast it off. It is my lady, O, it is my love!”

Peter hasn’t read Romeo and Juliet since he was in high school, but he’d know those lines anywhere.

He can’t see whoever is quoting Shakespeare up to him, too many shadows cast in the street, but the voice is deep with a southern drawl, projecting easily up to where Peter is.

“O, that she knew she were! She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold, ‘tis not to me she speaks: Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having some business, od entreat her eyes to twinkle in their sphere till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head? The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars, as daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright that birds would sing and think it were not night. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

“Do you just have it all memorized?” Peter calls out, knowing it’s meant to be his line. He can’t help the smile as the mysterious Romeo laughs from the streets below.

His voice is softer as he speaks without lines. “I played Romeo for three weeks worth of performances last year. I saw you sitting up there, and couldn’t help myself.”

Peter frowns, thinking back to last year. At AMDA, he auditioned for Romeo, but he ended up playing a background character with a single line instead. He was told it was because he was only a freshman, but it was a pretty big hit to his ego. He can’t remember who actually got the role of Romeo though.

“I don’t suppose you quote Shakespeare to just every sad looking person sitting on their fire escapes?”

“There’s a first time for everything,” Romeo says. “You go to AMDA, don’t you? I think I remember seeing you around… You don’t happen to work at that diner on 64th street, do you?”

Peter laughs. “I don’t know how you know that, but yeah, I do. I’m a sophomore at AMDA, double majoring in musical theatre and performing arts. And spending nights at that diner to pay rent.”

“Me and my friend get dinner there all the time. I remember you because Cassie kept pointing you out as one of the greatest dancers in one of her classes.”

The blush that creeps up Peter’s neck makes him feel warm all the way to the core. He’s been working really hard in his dance classes to get where he is now, it’s nice to get that kind of recognition. “That’s very nice of her.”

“I was pointing you out because you happen to be one of the prettiest people I’ve ever seen,” Romeo adds on. “And you have a lovely voice.”

Peter tries to summon any piece of confidence he can, but comes up mostly empty. “Would you mind stepping out of the shadows, so I can compliment you too?”

Romeo laughs again sweetly, and then he’s stepping out from where he’d been leaning against a building across the street. He walks to the middle of the deserted street until he’s properly under the light of the one of the streetlamps.

“O, speak again, bright angel! For thou art as glorious to this night, being o’er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven unto the white-upturned wondering eyes of mortals that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds and sails upon the bosom of the air,” he says.

Romeo is gorgeous and Peter remembers him too. Harley Keener, a Junior at AMDA, in the same musical theatre program as Peter. Harley’s wearing a pair of tight jeans and a flannel, blond curls bouncy and messy, blue eyes wide and sparkling, hands lifted towards Peter as he recites his lines with so much passion and truth.

“You’re calling me and angel? When you look like you do?” Peter blurts. He can hear Gwen’s muffled voice rising behind him and knows he doesn’t have much more time until they finish their argument and come looking for him. “You were brilliant as Romeo, too. I played one of the guards, but I watched your performance every night.”

Harley smiles, showing off his adorable dimples. “I would’ve loved it if you could’ve played opposite me, though. I think you would’ve made an amazing Juliet.”

“I think the world would’ve rioted if they saw a guy playing Juliet. I think Shakespeare would’ve risen from the dead just to have a heart attack.”

Peter can barely stop grinning at the not-so-subtle hints that Harley’s into guys too.

“We’d make a pretty amazing duo, though, don’t you think?”

“My ears have no yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue’s utterance, yet I know the sound: Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?” Peter calls out, putting on his best Juliet voice.

Harley laughs brightly. “You skipped a few lines, but I’ll let it slide if you come down here.”

“If they do see thee, they will murder thee.”

“Is that a no? O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?”

Peter shakes his head, already pulling himself up to his feet. “I’ll be down in five, Harley. You want to get coffee?”

“I’d love to get coffee.”

Grinning, Peter pries open the window and slips back into his apartment where Gwen and Harry seem to have finally gone quiet.

He changes into a nicer outfit quickly, nearly face-planting in his haste to tug his jeans on, and then he skips into the living room to say goodbye to his friends.

“You have plans?” Harry says when he sees Peter. “I thought you were staying in tonight?”

“I met somebody!” Peter practically squeals, bouncing on his toes. He can barely contain his excitement. He hasn’t dated anybody since high school, spending college focused on his career and education, but he’s not about to turn somebody like Harley down.

Gwen lifts an eyebrow. “You met somebody… on the fire escape?”

“We may or may not have been quoting Romeo and Juliet… We’re getting coffee. I’ll catch you both up when I get back, okay?”

Just as Peter’s about to turn away, Harry grabs his arm. “Wait, who was it? Do we know them?”

Peter, blushing furiously and so giddy like he’s a lovesick teenager, says, “Harley Keener. He played Romeo last year, remember?”

Both their jaws drop in shock, eyes wide. They remember him, for sure. It’s hard not to remember somebody like Harley.

Peter doesn’t bother sticking around any longer, racing out the front door to get down to Harley.

Apparently, Harley knows a nice coffee place that’s open at the late hours of night, so he leads the way, bumping shoulders, teasing each other, and making small talk mostly about their friends and school.

“I don’t know if this is too forward,” Harley says when they make it to the coffeeshop. “But I just wanna know if you’re into guys or not. I’m gay… If this is totally platonic, that’s cool too, I just want to know.”

Peter grins, unable to help himself. “I’m bi, so… I thought we were being pretty obvious how we felt by saying we should be two of the most famous star-crossed lovers there are.”

Harley laughs, leading Peter to the counter to give their orders. “I suppose… So, this would be a date?”

“I was kind of hoping so, yeah. If that’s okay?”

“It’s perfect, yeah.”

Harley pays, if only because Peter managed to forget his wallet in his haste to get out of his apartment, and then they start walking back to Peter’s apartment.

Harley talks about how he’s from a small town in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee, how he always dreamed of making it on Broadway like Peter, how scared he was submitting an application to AMDA, how much everything changed when he got accepted. He talks about his family, his mom and little sister back home, how proud they are of everything he does, how he’s going to work so much harder for them. He talks about his experience in New York, how different it is compared to Rose Hill, how much excitement there is, how fast it moves and how full it is.

It’s strange to hear about New York from an outsiders perspective. Peter’s only left New York twice. Both times for Academic Decathlon which took him to DC and to Toronto.

In turn, Peter talks about May, how much he loves her, how much she’s supported all of his decisions. He doesn’t say much about Ben or his parents, but he says enough that Harley links their free hands together and squeezes comfortingly. He talks about Harry and Gwen, about school and his job, how much stress has been piled on his shoulders by everyone wanting him to choose a more possible dream. How he refuses to give up on his Broadway dreams.

They make it back to his apartment all too soon, hands still linked, noses and cheeks red from the cold.

“This was really nice,” Peter murmurs. “I would invite you up to my place, but I have two roommates who are crazy obnoxious and loud and a lot. I’d really like to do this again, though.”

“Me too. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while now, I didn’t think it would be like that. Quoting Shakespeare isn’t the greatest pickup line.”

Peter shrugs, tugging Harley a little closer. “It worked.”

“Is there anyway I could get your number?”

“I’ll give it to you in exchange for something,” Peter bargains, smiling dopily.

“And what’s that?”

“Kiss me?”

Harley doesn’t waste a second, pressing their mouths together and backing Peter into the brick wall of his apartment building, free hand grabbing Peter’s waist while trying not to spill his coffee. Peter wraps his arms around Harley’s neck and shoulders, smiling into the kiss.

Eventually, they do have to pull away, both of them grinning at each other and they let out twin breathless laughs.

Harley fishes a pen out of his bag, presenting it and his forearm to Peter.

He jots down his number with a little heart, trying not to think too much about the wiry muscle in his forearm and how much he really wants to see Harley’s biceps too. He leans up to kiss Harley once more before he pushes open the door to his building.

“I’ll see you around?”

“Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.”

Taglist: @littlemissagrafina  @spideygirl2003 @romeoandjulietyouwish @c-artara @shadedrose01 @likeaphoenix13 @pj-hermes-tonystark-obsessed  @you-get-killed-walk-it-off @kitkatwinchester  @emo-girl10 @justme--emily  @hold-our-destiny @imalivebecauseirondad @spiderman-peterman @dykeragee @maryserrao @heeeyitskay 

[bellatrixobsessed1]

What do you think about this?

https://youtu.be/ZQYPHAyzYfA

https://youtu.be/ZQYPHAyzYfA

I think that it’s interesting. There are some things I agreed with and some things I disagreed with. Like I disagree that she chose fear over love early on. I think that Ozai was starting to teach her to do so at that age but I don’t think that the choice had already been made yet. I think that she was still just a kid who wanted affection. The video even goes onto say that she sought out her mother’s love and attention by doing the things that earned it for her from her father. Which imo is contradictory to the thought that she already chose fear over love. Literally her antics were cries for affection. 

I thought that that was an interesting way of looking at the bush burning scene too! She didn’t just set the flower on fire to set something on fire, she knows that demonstrating how good she is at firebending and parroting Ozai’s ‘weak things aren’t allowed in my world’ are what got her praise from Ozai. And (seeing as she was only a child) in her mind if dad likes it, shouldn’t mom? And so she tried to gain affection from her mother exactly how she tired to earn it with her dad. And it obviously didn’t work because, of course setting flowers and Zuko’s pants on fire isn’t a good thing to do. 

I do absolutely agree with both points that the scoldings only strengthened her thoughts that her mom didn’t love her and that it pushed her even closer to her dad.

I also think that it’s important to note that Azula was raised on ‘love and trust are weaknesses’. That’s the very same upbringing that fucked Regina up. That kind of mentality tends to lead to being unable to seek out love, comfort, and help. It’s a pretty solid isolation tactic. One that makes Azula self isolating so that Ozai doesn’t have to worry about doing it himself.

I would also disagree on “one upping her brother wasn’t enough...” I feel like her going after Aang and conquering Ba Sing Se was a lot more complex than that. It was a much more severe and aggressive version of trying to gain affection. I think that she was mostly seeking approval and love from her father in the same way that season 1 Zuko was. The reason she gets more hate for it is because she had more success.  Granted I got a chuckle out of “ya know, while she was in the neighborhood” because yeah lmao true. And I do agree that ambition comes into play. Azula is a very ambitious person. I also disagree with the “consolidate her power” bit. I really don’t think that power mattered at all to her. And if it did it was very small in comparison to her need for her father’s approval and to not be seen as a useless failure. After seeing what happened to Zuko I think that fear had a hand in it as well. She just doesn’t strike me as the power hungry sort. Much of that power she just handed to Ozai. 

Lol’ing @ “she lets her guard down for just a second.” 

“Azula decided that it was better to be feared than loved because she didn’t thing she could be loved.” Ya know what, fair take. This is the only version of ‘Azula chose fear right away’ that I’ll accept. I think that Grey said something very similar; that Azula manipulated Mai & TyLee into coming with her because she couldn’t see them being friends with her any other way. I still feel as though she didn’t truly start to sink into using fear instead of love until her pre-teens. But I can absolutely see her choosing it because she saw fear as her only option. And the bit about how she started acting like a monster because she thought that was how everyone saw her anyways. R.i.p my heart. Didn’t need that anyways.

“Without her friends she turns to Ozai for approval.” Pretty much. That’s exactly what I was getting at with Ozai helped shape her into someone who was self isolating so that she could really only turn to him at the end of the day. “In her mind she did everything right, she was a loyal second in command. She cut ties with her brother, her mother, her uncle, her friends...” Yup self isolating. It’s a scary tactic that real life abusers often use. 

Though I disagreed with ending that quote by stating that she did it all to be the perfect heir. I think that she did it all to be the perfect daughter. It just so happens that being the perfect daughter meant being the perfect heir. 

“So when she did everything right and it still looks like Ozai is discarding her, Azula cracks.” And then they play the clip and honestly re-watching it is even more chilling. I feel like even the language he used on her was careful. “It’s a very important job that I can only entrust to you.” The tone he used was very condescending as though talking to a child (”now honey, this is a very important job uwu”) when he used to talk to her as if she were an adult. And so that probably was like a slap in the face. I feel like that was at least lowkey gaslighting. 

“But this brief encounter shows Azula just how easy it is to slip from her father’s favor.” Which is exactly why she goes out and does things like conquering Ba Sing Se. In order to get her dad’s love she needs to do bold and frightening things. There is literally no room for failure. And since there is no room for failure, she has to be ruthless.

I’m glad that the narrator brought up how Ozai should be seen as a constant threat. And how that probably factored into her paranoid episode. 

“Azula has to face a hard truth that she still hasn’t managed to accept. If Ursa loved Azula no matter what then Azula was wrong this entire time. She doesn’t have to act like a monster to be powerful, she could be loved instead of feared...hearing the truth breaks Azula.” Big ouch. Because yeah, I think that this is a moment where Azula does start to question a few of her world views even if she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to truly conceptualize and make anything of that. It kind of just slapped her in the face and she didn’t really have any tools to deal with that. 

“She says that she loves her, an idea that she still can’t bare to consider.” This is another big thing. I think that another reason why it is so hard for Azula to get some healing is because it really hurts her to consider that she might be loveable. Tbh I think that the notion actually really scares her because she doesn’t know what to do with that or how to accept affection.

I was surprised to hear the narrator mention, “just when it looks like Azula will finally embrace her mother Zuko leaps in and Azula lashes out.” This is an aspect that I hadn’t considered. That Zuko (unwittingly mind you) quite possibly interrupted a bonding moment/turning point. Leeway granted in that he probably thought that she was going to hurt their mom. But at the same time there was a chance that she might have dropped the fire and full on cried. She was already crying. I feel like this is kind of what tends to happen to Azula; she never seems to have time to process her feelings? She gets hit with something like the real Ursa saying that she loves her and then there’s a fight scene and the moment is gone. 

Overall, that was a pretty solid video. Some minor things I disagreed on. But overall I think that it was a refreshingly sympathetic take and some good points were brought up.

Thanks for the ask and the video rec! 

[kitkatwinchester]

So...considering we’re on the home stretch of the greatest show of all time--a show that has been a huge part of my life for the last eight years--I figured now was probably a good time to start doing reactions and reviews. I’ve seen a lot of Tumblrs do this, and I want to join in on that.

So basically, I’m gonna start by just doing a bullet point list of reactions as I go. Fair warning, I get very excited and very into this show, so the list’ll probably be pretty long. But hopefully you enjoy it! And, even if you don’t, this gives me something to look back on years down the line. XD

Also, my mom is watching it with me, so I might include some of her reactions/our discussion in my list too!

And, because I can, at the end of all of it, I’ll give a much more concise review/reaction based on how I feel after the whole episode’s over. Because why not. XD

Enjoy my watching! XD <3

Oh we’re starting!

...did I miss the “then” title card?

Oh wait there it is.

Dude we’re going FAR back on this “then”. I wonder what that means?

My poor baby crying again. :(

DEAN’S APRON OH MY GOD I’M DEAD! XD XD <3 <3

“It was. In the 50s.” Point taken.

My poor baby. :( :( :( :(

Oh so killing Amara is officially a plan? Okay then.

“I’ve killed Hitler.” I can’t believe he’s still talking about that! XD

Actually I can believe he’s still talking about it, I take that back.

DEAN WITH THE MARIO BROTHERS OMG!!

Okay, I know this episode has something to do with them celebrating holidays because of a fairy or nymph or something like that, and this is already feeling like a light-hearted, fun, domestic Winchesters episode. I hope it stays that way. <3

Have you tried turning it back off and turning it on again? Hit reset.

HE READ MY MIND!

MEAT MAN!! XD XD

Ummm...okay then.

Also SCOOBY-DOO UNDIES!!! DEAN YOU DORK!! XD XD <3

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jack is my favorite and Dean is my second-favorite.

“Language!” “That’s it I’m getting my gun.” XD XD

I can already tell that so many of my reactions are probably just gonna be me quoting and then laughing. XD

They don’t seem very concerned? Shouldn’t random people not be able to get in?

This lady is such a mom omg.

Mrs. Butters? XD

Wood nymph. Got it.

“Shouldn’t you be in the woods somewhere? Nymphing?” XD XD (P.S. That was my mom’s favorite line in this episode. XD)

You what now?

Necessities of life?

Hmmm….I like her, but she weirds me out. Something is off.

Dean’s “oof that’s awkward” face. XD

“2020.” Hearing that year said out loud just feels...oof. Just oof.

Poor nymph…

Wait, haven’t we seen those symbols before? Maybe I’m making that up.

HA! “It’s kind of been one apocalypse after the other.” He’s not kidding.

OOOOH!! HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS!!!

WAIT WHAT IS THAT TELESCOPE THING?

WAIT WAIT WAIT WHAT??!! A MONSTER radar??!! Dude WHAT?! Man, they’ve needed something like that for YEARS!

Wait wait wait...relatively nearby….it’s not gonna ping because of Jack is it?? SHE’S NOT GONNA HURT JACK IS SHE??!!

Oh okay nevermind. Just a vamp nest.

Say what now?

We can...that just...umm...okay then??

“Heck...heck yeah.” XD XD XD

Yeah I’m with Sam on this one. She seems innocent, but, like…

Dean does have a point though.

But also things like this never last. It’s too good to be true.

MY BABY!!!

“She’s probably harmless, but just in case, watch yourself”?? Dean that was a terrible way to do that but okay.

Snickerdoodles. XD

My poor baby looks so lost. :(

I mean...Dean makes a good point there. But also the son of Satan is adorable and she’s suspicious. But anyways.

“Ignoring your trauma doesn’t make you healthy.” SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT OMG!!! XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 <3

...Jack is hiding something? IS JACK HIDING SOMETHING?!

...do we know what Jack is hiding??

The only thing I can think of is that he knows about Cas’s deal with the empty, but he had a soul when that happened, and it wasn’t really eating at him then. Is it eating at him more now for some reason??

IS JACK HIDING SOMETHING??!!

Jesus christ this is gonna bother me…

Okay but when has that ever actually worked, Dean?

Awww….

I’m guessing they didn’t tell her he’s a nephilim? If they don’t really trust her--which they don’t--they shouldn’t. Is there a chance she knows already? I feel like she wouldn’t be acting like that if she did.

Vamps watching a movie with vamps. Classy. XD

...ew…

At least they’re drinking from bags instead of from humans I guess?

Nice slicing at the same time, boys.

Huh. Well. That was easy. Too easy?

CHRISTMAS! XD <3

THE TRAIN OMG!! XD XD <3 <3

Their faces. XD

HER DANCE!

Okay she’s kind of adorable not gonna lie.

“We are so keeping her.” XD XD

DEAN’S LITTLE EXCITED HANDS ON THE RAILING OMG I’M DEAD!! XD XD <3 <3 <3

If I can’t get adorable Jack right now, I’m okay with adorable Dean. XD <3 <3

Sam is still suspicious, but Dean is totally into it.

“Enjoy the world you’re fighting for.” That was really quick and so subtle, but d*mn that’s a good line.

MY BABY!!!!

HIIIII JACK!!! I MIIIIISSSSSED YOOOOOUUU!!! <3 <3 <3

Uh-oh. I don’t like the way she said “what are you”. DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BABY!!!

“He’s a millennial.” XD XD

DEAN IN THAT NIGHTGOWN OMG!!! I know it was in the promo photos, but seeing it in the context of the episode is even funnier. XD

Sam’s gagging at his bro’s “down there” bits lol.

Oof. She is VERY absentminded by Jack and whatever he is. No likey.

...hmm. I still don’t trust her with Jack.

“Poppycock”???

HA!! “I’m worried about your cholesterol.”

And Sam and Jack’s little smiles at that omg. <3 <3 <3

“We got one!” IS THAT A HILLYWOOD PARODY REFERENCE/GHOSTBUSTER REFERENCE??!! Because IT FEELS LIKE ONE!!!

The way they’re running to their rooms to get ready omg.

And that cut to them being dressed and going.

LUNCHES!! XD

Their faces! XD

The cinematography in this episode is AWESOME. Go Serge Ladouceur (and yes, I looked that name up. XD)

No crusts. Blessed knives. “I just waxed it.” She IS a mom!

Wait no. Take Jack with you. I don’t trust her with him.

“What shall we do with you.” LEAVE HIM ALONE IS WHAT!

Oh. They’re doing dishes.

WAIT DON’T TELL HER THAT JACK!

...I don’t like the way she’s talking to him.

Oof. Mary. *gags*

Jack you’re adorable and I love you but please stop being so gullible and stop sharing so much personal information.

WAIT NO! I know you feel guilty, but DON’T TELL HER YOU KILLED HER!

...dangat.

...oh. That was actually super sweet, and honestly the EXACT thing Jack needed to hear. ...maybe she’s not so bad?

...wait what? She just...pulls those out of thin air?

Ha! Another hunt

THEIR FACES WITH THE LUNCHES! ESPECIALLY DEAN’S!! XD

Aww! Thanksgiving! <3

Where is Cas during all this? Talking to his angel friends I guess?

That finger gun at Sam omg.

It’s so EASY for them wow.

Halloween! Fitting given our current season.

Their little smiles awww!!

THE BEERS TOGETHER HOLY FRICK!!! IT’S JUST LIKE WHAT TEAM FREE WILL 2.0 DID WHEN JACK CAME BACK! AND what the boys and Mary and John did in Lebanon! NEVER GETS OLD!! I LOVE THIS FAMILY!! <3 <3

...I still don’t necessarily trust Mrs. Butters. BUT I LOVE SAM AND DEAN AND JACK!

Those faces for the lunches just get better and better.

GRENADE LAUNCHER!!

MJOLNIR OMG NO WAY!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE STILL HAS IT!!! THIS EPISODE HAS SO MANY EASTER EGGS OMG!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Also that is an AWESOME shot.

BIRTHDAY!! Awww… <3 <3

OOF. Poor Dean. XD

Jack’s laugh and then immediately being like “oop” and bringing his head down but still chuckling when Dean glares at him I CAN’T. XD XD

I LOVE THIS FAMILY!! <3 <3 <3

AWW!! She made extra for him!

Okay, I like her. But I’m still cautious.

Oh. THERE it is.

What’s she doing??

Jack’s got you lady.

My mom is wondering why she has to walk away to make another smoothie when before she was just producing them. I’m wondering if maybe she has to near the ingredients to whip it into a smoothie magically, but that seems weird...continuity error?

Get her, Jack. My smart boi. <3 <3

My Mom: “You better hurry it up there, Jack.”

Oh it’s evil Men of Letters dude. NOW I get why we went that far back.

Oh! AND the Thule. NOW I get why Dean mentioned killing Hitler again. Wow. Nice connections on this episode all around. Go writers.

...she did what now?

WTF??!!

HOLY FRICK!!!

HOLY S*** HOLY S*** HOLY S***!!!

Do NOT ask about tea or cookies after you just pulled sh** like that.

On a more positive note, the way Jack just said “son of a bitch” out of nowhere like that is so adorable because he, like, NEVER swears, but also that’s Dean’s saying and it just proves that he’s taking after his dads and just already growing up and AHHHH I LOVE HIM!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

Also Jack please go tell your dads what you found.

Okay so during the commercial break, my mom and I looked up wood nymphs and had this big discussion and here’s kind of what we came up with:

So we were trying to figure out if wood nymphs are supposedly evil, and we didn’t find much, but they do have super strength (which explains her ability to rip off that dude’s head…), and the ability to control wood and nature, which might explain why she can pull smoothies out of thin air.

So then we saw on the SPN Wiki page for this episode that part of the description mentions that the wood nymph would do anything for her family, and that makes me wonder if she has, like, ulterior motives to protect her wood nymph family? But also, she said the Men of Letters were her family, so that translates to Sam and Dean now, right? So theoretically, she wouldn’t hurt them, she’d be trying to protect them. Which means they should be fine, because she only hurts threats. But then my mom pointed out that maybe she considers Jack a threat and that’s a really good point, so now I’m worried all over again. She’s still acting weird with him, and even though I did like that little advice she gave about second chances, maybe it’s all an act? My mom thinks she, like, poisoned his sandwich or something with anti-nephilim juice in order to try to hurt him, but that was before she knew he was a nephilim, right? I don’t know. I think my mom makes a really good point. I hope my baby winds up being okay. :(

Okay. Back to the episode now. 

Ahhhhhhhh noooooo. Where are the boys when we need them?

Wait, DATE?? EILEEN??!!

No. He isn’t. Go away.

Sam look at yoooooooouuuu. <3

But also please take a moment to notice how uncomfortable your son is and ask him what’s wrong please and thank you. (And yes, I will keep saying son thank you very much.)

Ha! She wants him to get a haircut just like Dean does. The joke’s about Sam’s (and, by extension, Jared’s) hair will never not be funny.

Ha! “Language.”

YES!! EILEEN!!!

YES SAM!! GO GET YOUR GIRL!!

DEAN! XD

Okay the Sam and Eileen thing is adorable, and Sam and Dean’s banter is hilarious, but guys...look at your son please and thank you. :(

I’m so torn between wanting Sam to just be happy and enjoy himself and wanting him to help Jack ahhhhhh.

Sam can go on his date. I’m sure Dean can handle it.

Roses! Nice touch.

Ha! Dean with the supportive big bro action.

Such. A. Mom.

“Boys.”

Wait nooooooo.

Okay but Alex’s acting right there...tip top. So subtle. Jack is trying so hard to be sneaky and warn Dean about what he saw, and the way Alex is conveying pure panic but also showing how sneaky he’s being is AWESOME.

Also that little “sh*t” or “da**it” or whatever it was that he mouthed? Somehow so cute and makes me so worried at the same time.

“The Dean Cave”?? XD XD

Dean I am BEGGING YOU, please take a cursory glance at your son.

...da**it...

The subtitles say “suspenseful music plays” XD XD

Wait Jack noooo. Don’t go after her alone! Chase Dean instead!!

NOOO!! NOT IN THERE!!!

She’s totally gonna trap him in there.

...what?

She’s being so condescending shut the fudge up.

What? No.

Does he still not have a soul? Is that what he’s hiding? That wouldn’t make sense.

Oh wait. I get it now.

HE IS NOT!!! SHUT THE FUDGE UP LADY!!

LADY STOOOOOP! HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR SH**!! HE ALREADY FEELS GUILTY WOULD YOU QUIT IT??!! :’( :’( :’( :’(

HEY! NOT COOL!

I HOPE SOMEONE RIPS YOUR HEAD OFF B***H!!

They’re not. They know he won’t now.

SHUT UP LADY!!

HEY!!! STOP IT!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

TAKE HER DOWN JACK!!!

He IS family!

...ummm...what??

GOD DA**IT!!

...my mom literally just said “told you so” about the poisoning. ...which also explains why she walked away to make another smoothie, because she WANTED him to find the video, says my mom. And yes, my mom was right, AND I HATE IT!! SCREW YOU LADY!! LEAVE MY BABY ALONE!!

It IS safe you B**CH!!

HE’S NOT A MONSTER!!! :’( :’( :’(

DA**IT!! DEAN PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!

Ha! He’s so excited about the sandwich and it’s adorable.

But also save your son!!

...wait what?

She’s...she’s really just gonna out herself like that?

Ha! YES!

Aww...Dean’s so disappointed. :(

BUT! He’s sticking up for his son! Because even if he’s mad at him for everything that happened to Mary (but also get over it, because she sucked anyways, Dean XD), of course he’ll still protect him.

Ha! The way he just takes it away…

Aww...poor baby. :(

He’s so disappointed. He deserves better. I feel bad for him. :(

HE IS NOT! SHUSH!

Aww...looking at the sandwich, but making the right call.

AWW! He’s trying. Best of both worlds.

Take the deal, lady.

DA**IT!!!

SERIOUSLY?!

SERIOUSLY???!!!

Screw you, lady.

HEY! NOT FAIR!

He is NOTHING like his father, thank you very much!

Well...now what??

Oh thank god, Sam’s home. He’s smart. He’ll find a way to get them out.

Her calling him Samuel is both hilarious and annoying, somehow. I think it’s only annoying now because I hate her with what she just did to my boys. XD

OOOOF.

She gonna out herself again?

Sam’s face when she said that about good news and bad news. XD

I suppose the benefit of having a bad guy who thinks they’re doing the right thing is that she’s not trying to hide it. So hopefully, if she outs herself again, Sam can deal with it a little better than Dean did, knowing Dean was not very successful lol. Dean let his love of her food get in the way. XD

She DID out herself!

Ha! “You were always the smart one.”

YES! Good job, Sam. Starting off strong. <3

YES! GOOD JOB SAM!! Nice manipulation.

Ha!

Can’t believe she’s asking about the date.

Actually yes I can. XD

Wait, why don’t WE get to hear about the date? I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE DATE DA**IT!

Well, DUH, Sam, you think they don’t know that?

Dean OMG!! XD XD

SUPPORTIVE BIG BRO!! XD XD

In Dean’s defense, he knew she’d wait for Sam, so...it’s not like they were REALLY in danger.

Do NOT try shooting her. Are you kidding me right now?

...really Sam? REALLY?! You’re going to try to SHOOT her?? You’ve seen what she can do, and you’re going to try to SHOOT her? She got the jump on JACK. POWERED UP Jack. Really? Call me crazy, but I feel like that’s not gonna work.

Yes. Yes he is. ...so much for Sam being the smart one.

I want to be mad at them for getting distracted by the holidays, but also I can’t exactly blame them given their childhoods, so…

Ha! The way they both react to the Boxing Day breakfast. Such brothers. XD

There ya go. Good plan. MUCH better than shooting her. Thank you boys.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!! Is this where we’re gonna get the “you sure this is gonna work” “let’s say yes” scene from the promo?? I THINK IT IS!! (Okay, so I MAY have watched that particular five second scene a million and one times because it had my boys in it, but I love them okay?? Sue me.)

Hey. Chill, Dean. Don’t yell at him.

Aww baby. :( :( :(

He doesn’t think you’re a monster. He’s just upset. :( 

...uh oh. This convo is gonna be bad, isn’t it? :( :(

:’( :’( :’( :’( :’(

WAIT! “For a while” YES! THAT’S A GOOD THING!!

Oh wait. “Still am a little bit.”

“Evil Mary Poppins” XD XD

AWWW!! SEE JACK?! He DOES love you!! <3 <3 <3 <3

OKAY NEVER MIND THAT CONVO WAS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD!!! I need to break that down for a second.

That convo was short and subtle and to the point, but it says SO much about Dean and Jack’s relationship.

First of all, the fact that Dean decided to be honest with Jack instead of continuing to pretend everything’s fine shows how much he really does care about Jack and how much he still trusts him and loves him. He doesn’t open up often, and I’m glad he finally did.

Second of all, he may have been blunt, but there was so much affection hidden in the way he addressed all of that. I mean, he tells Jack that he used to be really mad, and he still kind of is, but then he reminds him that just because they’re in a rough patch right now doesn’t mean he wants to lose him. Yes, Jack made a mistake, and yeah, Dean’s finding it hard to get over it, but Jack’s family through and through, and that means that, no matter what, Dean’s going to look out for him. It’s the same way he treats Cas and, more notably, the same way he treats Sam. He’s giving Jack the family treatment. And THAT is a BEAUTIFUL thing.

All of that said, between all of the OG Team Free Will, Dean’s relationship with Jack will always be my favorite (probably mostly because they’re my two favorite characters, but also because they’re amazing together), so this convo makes me so freaking happy. <3 <3 <3 <3

Sam you are being not very sneaky. 

SERIOUSLY SAM??!!

I take that back. Sam is not being smart about this. *eye roll*

UGGGGHHHHH.

WHERE IS CAS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!

Actually quick side note, one that I’m adding now that I’ve finished the episode: not having Cas around TOTALLY makes sense. Explanation included in the review.

“Because you are my favorite.” XD XD XD 

She shouldn’t still be making me laugh, but dangat she’s too funny. XD

Wait noooo. No torture allowed.

I KNEW IT!! I TOLD YOU!! I CALLED IT!! SCENE FROM THE PROMO!! XD XD <3 <3 <3

I LOVE DEAN AND JACK SO MUCH!! <3 <3 <3

Ha! Fixing his hands.

YIKES!

...but did the cuffs break at least?

HA! She actually converted him to not swear.

I love how Dean makes a point of swearing extra loud after he realizes what he did. I love him. XD XD <3

Oh frick, that didn’t break the cuffs? Are you kidding me? Stupid powerful magic…

OOH! Dean’s got an idea!

THOSE LITTLE SMILES I LOVE THEM!! <3 <3 <3 <3

OH SHUT UP LADY! Are you still talking??

...okay so...trauma.

Please listen to Sam.

YES HE IS SHUSH!

Just because he has blood on his hands doesn’t mean he’s not a kid. Just saying.

Okay so I kind of feel bad for her knowing what she’s been through, but also that does not excuse her behavior. However, I will take back what I said about someone ripping her head off. I suppose that isn’t really necessary.

That said, someone please do something. :( :(

WOULD YOU QUIT IT WITH THE FINGERNAILS SUPERNATURAL??!! I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER IT FROM THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE IN SEASON 3!!!

My mom and I are both turning away owwwwwww.

STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!

Jesus Christ lady!!

“Pain is just weakness leaving the body.” Dean what?! XD XD

HEY! Smart! Way to go you two!! <3 <3

And still helping his son up YES! <3 <3 <3

Okay that could not have been a more in character moment between Dean and Jack right there. Between the “not so bad” and the helping him up and the helping him walk down the hall and Jack just following him along and I just...I LOVE THEM OKAY!! <3 <3 <3

AHHH!! SHE TOOK OFF SO MANY FINGERNAILS JESUS!!

SHUT UP LADY!!

YES!

...Dean honey that was the reset button…

There’s no way that did the job. Too easy.

Problem not solved!! Problem DEFINITELY not solved!!

Creepy green eyes!!

Oh she looks maaaaad. That’s not good.

HEY!!! What happened to not hurting family??!!

LEAVE THEM ALONE!!

Which family??!! Cause YOU’RE the one destroying them!

No he won’t.

“You hurt him, you hurt us.” GREAT line!! YES SAM!! <3 <3 <3

Oooh!! He’s getting to her!! <3 <3

Oop. There’s our backstory. Mr. Cuthbert wouldn’t let her go back. Not that I’m surprised, given what he did to Dean all those years ago.

Yes. Yes he did.

YAY! Dean jumping in to save his son. <3

NICE! Good call, Dean! <3

THAT FACE!! Jack’s face!! <3 <3

YES!!!! YES!!! GOOD JOB BOYS!! <3 <3 <3

Awww….poor Mrs. Butters…

Okay now I feel really bad for her. And a little guilty that I called her a b***h. I’m still kind of mad at her, but...her motives make sense.

Hey yay! She healed him!

Wow, this nymph is POWERFUL. Now that she’s nice again, can we, like, actually keep her? Cause that’d be an awesome ally to have.

Aww...Jack being the one to voice their forgiveness. So pure, especially since she was after him all that time. <3

Awww….Dean wants her to stay. He’s so upset. XD

But he also gets it. :) <3

OMG!! That shot with all three of them looking at her and those sweet little smiles they give her as she’s talking about home. There was just so much...genuineness in that! I loved it! <3 <3

Jack being the voice again. <3

Okay, she looks hecka cute in that outfit.

Oof. That makes sense lol. It would be way too easy if it didn’t revert back.

...inter what now?

Oh shoot...that just proves Chuck destroyed all the worlds...lovely….

Awww!! <3 <3

Ha! Her little words of wisdom to them! To reiterate: SUCH. A. MOM. XD XD <3 <3

Sam and Dean’s smirks at each other when she tells them to do the same things they’ve been telling each other to do for years--eat your vegetables and cut your hair. XD

Awww….that little extra nose crinkle and smile at Jack when she tells him to save the world. <3

I also just realized that this breaks my theory that anyone who meets Jack instantly falls in love with him because of how adorable he is. Though, I guess she’s a little different given that extra little motivation to protect her family in the only way she knows how. Plus, trauma.

Oof. Bye bye extra magic.

Aww...this convo between Jack and Sam. <3 <3

Aww Jack… :( :(

You weren’t stupid, baby. You all fell for it. :(

Aww….he’s looking for faith from Sam.

And Sam just gave it to him. <3

I know the line seems desperate, and in a way, it is, but the way that Sam gave him a little smile shows that it’s more than that. They are desperate, and Jack is their only hope, but also, Sam knows Jack can handle it, because he does have faith in him. It’s a short convo, but it says so much.

That tin has a birthday cake for Jack, made by Dean. Calling it right now.

“He loves that apron.” XD <3 <3

I KNEW IT AND I LOVE IT OMG!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

THAT’S SO ADORABLE!!! And that is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT Dean’s way of telling Jack that he still loves him, and that he forgives him. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

THEIR LITTLE SMILES!! <3 <3 <3

I’M SCREAMING!!! ALL OF THEIR SMILES AT EACH OTHER I FREAKING LOVE THIS FAMILY!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I SERIOUSLY LOST ALL FUNCTIONALITY JUST NOW TO THE POINT WHERE I’M ADDING THIS COMMENT LATER BECAUSE AHHHH!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

AWESOME ending shot. It’s a great way to end a much more light-hearted episode while also setting us up perfectly for knowing that things are about to get heavy and serious. I bet whatever Jack wished for, it has something to do with taking on God.

Okay, so...those reactions were a lot longer than I was anticipating, and I want to apologize, but also, I did warn you. XD That said, review time!

I loved this episode! It was absolutely hilarious, but also sweet and touching. It mixed some crazy and fun moments with some of the most subtly emotional ones, both negative and positive. I absolutely loved all the Easter Eggs, and I loved watching the boys have a chance to celebrate holidays in a way that they never have before, especially with Jack. The facial expressions in this episode killed me. Between all of the little smiles and dorky excitement, I was laughing and smiling right along with the characters. Some stand-out moments/things for me: 

That convo between Dean and Jack. I already broke it down above, but seriously, I love how they did that. As a huge fan of Dean and Jack and their relationship, the way that those two interacted this episode was beautiful and really sets up the fact that they’re going to need to lean on each other for support as a whole family in the coming fight, and I loved that. <3 

Sam going on a date with Eileen! <3 Initially, I had a theory that Sam and Eileen would end up together at the end of all of this, but when she left a few episodes ago, I threw that idea out the window and it made me sad. So the fact that they went on a date and got to see each other again--even if we didn’t get to see it--makes me so happy and brings back my hope that they’ll end up being together. <3 That said, I am 100% going to write a fanfiction of that date, since Supernatural chose to keep it from us. XD

The acting really stood out to me in this one. Maybe it’s just because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them doing something new, but I honestly feel like J2 and Alex nailed it even more than usual. I mean, their facial expressions were seriously so amazing in this episode. Between the really dorky moments and the subtle emotional moments, I felt like their faces were always saying so much and I loved it. <3

One thing I want to address is the lack of Cas. I know a lot of people were upset that he wasn’t in it, especially since the boys were celebrating so many holidays with Jack, and while I agree that it would’ve been beautiful to have him there, it makes perfect sense that he wasn’t there based on the trajectory of the episode and everything that happened. For starters, if Cas had been there, the wood nymph business would’ve been solved INSTANTLY. Cas is always extra suspicious of people, so if she didn’t trust him because he was an angel, the odds of her getting the jump on him would’ve been slim. And yes, she did poison Jack with the smoothies, but, as this episode continued to point out, Jack is still a kid, so he’s still much more naive and gullible. Plus, he’s upset and guilty and confused and just generally vulnerable now that his soul is back, so it was easy for him to trust and be manipulated. But if Mrs. Butters had tried to do the same thing to Cas, (and I’m picturing that one scene with the milkshake in Peace of Mind here) there’s no way he would’ve fallen for it. More importantly, with how worried he is about Jack, he would’ve been really vigilant about the way she was talking to him and everything, and he probably would’ve caught the poisoning long before it could really hurt him. And you can argue that Sam and Dean probably should’ve picked up on it, which is true, however, even they admit that they get distracted in the fun of it all. While it would’ve been great to see Cas in on the festivities, he wouldn’t have been quite as distracted by it as the boys were, and with his vigilance, there’s no way any of them would ever have gotten hurt. He’d be watching Mrs. Butters like a hawk, and the second she did something suspicious, she’d be gone. That said, I can understand if people want to say that’s dumb, because if they didn’t want Cas to defeat the villain so easily, they shouldn’t have had a villain that could be so easily defeated by Cas, and I’m sure some people feel like that’s a stupid excuse. To which I also offer this. After seeing those convos between Dean and Jack and Sam and Jack, and knowing that the episode ends with the three of them celebrating Jack’s birthday, Cas’s absence makes even more sense: this episode wasn’t about him. I love Cas, but it didn’t need him. See, Cas already has an undying love for Jack. While Cas definitely saw Mary as family, he never had the same emotional connection to her that Sam and Dean did--for obvious reasons. But he definitely had--and still has--a very strong emotional connection to Jack. He’s always been the most involved in being Jack’s father--again, for obvious reasons. But even after the Mary incident, it was Cas who went to find him, who tried to help him, and who wanted to protect him. Cas always loved him and always trusted him, and he always will. But Sam and Dean lost a lot of trust for Jack after what happened to Mary...and this episode fixed that. Because Cas wasn’t around, it gave Jack a chance to prove himself to Sam and Dean again. Sam had already pretty much forgiven him, but Dean was definitely on the fence. He even says it. But the fact that Dean had that conversation with him and said everything he did proves that Dean still loves him, and it gave Jack the reassurance he needed that, while Dean is still mad, he doesn’t hate him, and he doesn’t think he’s a monster. And while Sam and Jack were on pretty good terms, Jack was still worried that Sam couldn’t trust him--that Sam didn’t have faith in him anymore. But when Sam tells him that he knows he can defeat God, Jack gets confirmation that Sam does still have faith in him. And after all of that, after celebrating all of those holidays together, and having both of those conversations, to then end that with Sam and Dean celebrating Jack’s birthday? That’s what this episode was about. Sure, it was a silly monster of the week episode. Sure, we got some adorable and hilarious moments. And sure, we got to see them celebrate things that they never got to celebrate in a real way before. But underlying all of that, we got to see Jack become part of Sam and Dean’s family again. We got to see them bond. And knowing that this is right before they all prepare to take on God--Jack needed that. The boys needed that. They needed to all trust each other again. And the fact that they celebrated his birthday at the end proves that they do. They’re a family again. They have each other’s backs. They trust each other. And they love each other. And as much as I love Cas, and as much as I would’ve loved to have seen him be a part of their holidays, he didn’t need to be. But those three did. And that’s why Cas wasn’t in the episode. So, frankly, full points to the writers for making that happen. While they gave us a fun episode, and they may have left out a fan favorite character, it created an underlying theme that’s really going to matter as we get into the big stuff of Season 15. And that’s awesome.

All in all, I thought this was a great episode, and I’m so glad that this is how we get to jump back into the season. Not only was this episode hilarious and fun, but it was also a great set-up for the coming battle and for all the hard and serious things that are bound to come in the next several episodes.

Rumor has it that this was the last “silly” episode of the show, and while that’s a sad thought to think about, it totally makes sense with what they did with the episode, and frankly, I think it’s a beautiful silly one to have ended on and a great way to lead into everything that’s coming next.

My Rating: 10/10

[starkassembled]

I am a huge Hannibal fan / Hannigram shipper and know well enough that the new show has no relationship with Hannibal TV show. But as far as harassing the show-runner is concerned, it was Kurtzman who diminished the show labelling it nothing more than a gore-fest in comparison to what he claims would be 'meaningful cases'. What was the point of this kind of ignorant dismissal and insult ? They aren't related, and should be left at that, so yes some fans are disturbed at that, not the show.

[Also many of us have read the books, seen the movies. Fans thinking that Clarice is a problem from the Hannibal show are not correct either, just like you are incorrect thinking we want a crossover, because the shows exist in different universe so completely there is no chance it may cross path. But you are ignorant and loud mouthed.]] //end of questions from the same author, I think?// - - - So, by that logic, the show Clarice holds absolutely no interest for you and this entire fanbase. Has no connection to Hannibal and shouldn’t even be in your orbit? Why would you be actively pursuing a hate campaign for the series and anyone that is excited about there being a show based around Clarice Starling? Why not just focus on the Season 4 campaigns? The Clarice tags on this site as well as twitter are clogged with people spewing hatred and false statements. Like Clarice doesn’t have the rights to any Harris characters apart from Clarice Starling herself (it has the rights to dozens, and the first episode alone had physical appearances of 6, 2 verbal/visual references to other characters). And the perpetual spreading of the false narratives that one: Clarice Starling is a “rip-off” character of Will Graham. and two: that Clarice Starling doesn’t have enough to her character to hold up a tv series, when she’s the main character of both The Silence of the Lambs *and* Hannibal novels and films. I’m a huge Lecterverse fan. I followed NBC’s show from the pilot episode. Being a part of that fanbase for so long, I’ve watched it slowly transform into a toxic, aggressive and sad shell of it’s former self. Attacking fellow fans, attacking other shows, attacking actors and actresses for no reason. The toxicity and vitriol from that fanbase has tainted the show for me, I haven’t had the heart to re-watch it in at least two years. The final straw for me was when some fan account decided to steal my own picture and photoshop Will Graham’s face over my own. Who does that? My point wasn’t that you guys dream about a crossover, it’s that you would better benefit the Season 4 campaign if you advocated for a crossover rather than trying to tank the show before it even begins. MGM holds those rights that a fourth season desperately needs. You want to be friends with them, not enemies. I remember how bad things went when the BBC Sherlock fanbase decided to start a hate campaign with the CBS Elementary series, and it’s really disappointing that 9 years later, y’all are acting the exact same way. Any Lecter adaptation is a good thing, not something that should be aggressively loathed like some scorned lover. As for the Kurtzman quote, I’d really enjoy a link to the article in question, cuz I’ve read through about 6 of them and here’s the only two I see that mention Hannibal Lecter, and they don’t seem offensive to me at all as a fan of both series? “But it's been quite liberating because we have no interest in writing about Hannibal — not because we didn't love the films and the show, but because it was done so well by so many people that it didn't feel fresh for us,“ and “Let me say that we’re not doing what the show Hannibal did and that was make a literal meal of the murders themselves. Our goal, when we pick individual cases, is to always organize our story break around what’s going on for the characters and then how can the case itself somehow illuminate some inner struggle that they’re not confronting? So, we don’t really break story or grisly murders or ‘what’s the grisliest murder we can put on camera?’ We break story from the point of view of asking ‘What are they not looking at? What are they afraid to look at? What are they scared to look at? And how does this case open a door for them that they may not necessarily want to walk through?” Those both are factual and fair statements to me. Hannibal Lecter’s character has been portrayed in 5 films and one television series by some incredibly talented and decorated actors. Brian Cox, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Gaspard Ulliel, briefly as young Lecter by Aaron Thomas and of course, by the incredible Mads Mikkelsen. His story is fully realized, from birth to old age. Why mess with fantastic acting and storytelling when you can tap into an untold story about Clarice, her years from the end of The Silence of the Lambs to the start of the Hannibal novel. That’s a 7 year gap to fill, and one that can be told easily without Lecter’s name. NBC Hannibal had wonderful cinematography, and we can all agree that it was gory pieces of art. It was so graphic that it turned away certain viewers at the time of airing because of how graphic it was at the time. In the one episode we’ve gotten of Clarice so far, the deaths are not “pieces of art”, they focus less on the killer and more on the victims, which is perfectly in line with Clarice’s empathy. It doesn’t suit the tone of the story these writers are trying to tell. I don’t find those statements insulting, I find them factual. Not everyone is interested in the gory death scenes. And I think emphasizing the victim’s stories are rather fitting for the time period we’re in now, it reminds me of the late Michelle McNamara’s true crime novel, I’ll Be Gone In The Dark. tldr: if you don’t like the concept of a Clarice Starling standalone series, then don’t watch it. but don’t actively mistreat those that do want to watch it and are curious to check it out. as this series holds absolutely nothing against Hannibal and the fan campaign to get a fourth season. and don’t be rude? isn’t that the entire tagline of Hannibal? Lol.

[bladekindeyewear]

Bloggin’ thru new Homestuck^2 bonus, The Influencers part 2.  Kinda got my gears ground during part 1, but that largely wasn’t this sideplot’s fault, so I should still be able to enjoy it.

Reminder, bonus update blogging is always light on detail because I don’t wanna spoil all the paid content, but I’ll give the gist of my reactions and go into anything plot or character related that helps understand the main story, as well as giving you a real top-down view of “what happens” so you know what it’s about and whether or not to invest in looking yourself.  (And I don’t necessarily have to give you anything that isn’t main-plot-relevant.)

So where are they going to follow the main party?  They shouldn’t need to record the funeral I’d assume, because that already would have been televised (and awful for Jane’s PR)...  *click*

9/28/2020 - The Influencers, Part 2

TEACHER: Time’s a-ticking. TEACHER: The next plot point is yours to change, if you want it. Don’t you feel it calling to you?

Yeah, just hanging a lampshade on this whole parallel sideplot I guess.

> (==>)

Whatever it is, Imode feels it. A tiny string of relevance spooling out from their belly. They want to follow it.

That’s pretty Lighty and/or Seery.  I’ve used that terminology to describe the pull of Light and its “relevance” connotations even since the only fanfic I’ve ever written, back in 2011 during Homestuck’s run, and it’s obvious enough terminology that I think Rose later mentioned it somewhere like in the Epilogues.  Are these three kids perhaps going to get a fourth, and become their own session by the end of this like Harry, Vrissy, Tavros and Yiffy might?

They can’t stop picturing their friend, Harry Anderson, arrested or tortured or worse. They’re not sure what there is to be done to stop this chain of events, but they’re sure as shit gonna find out.

(”They” is almost certainly referring to Imode here, not all three, since Imode uses they/them.)

Alright, self-aggrandizing used for good.  Show off the sort of thing that Vriska could have accomplished if she actually used her talents for her team for once.  (Besides, like, the similar thing she did just recently by making a scene.)

> (==>)

Imode is the first to choose pursuing this path over bootlicking, and the others are sure to follow.

> (==>)

Yup, Avril and Silas follow.  (Had to be reminded of ALL of their names, it’s been months since their single named appearance.)

> (==>)

Crockercopters overhead but none taking note yet, just ominous setdressing

> (==>)

IMODE: lemme take a ⏱️ to 😮‍💨 before we figure out where to go next. AVRIL: wait don't you know? IMODE: Huh? AVRIL: we were following YOU this whole time.

Oh, that answers the first question I asked.  They have NO clue where they’re going.  Let’s see if they luck out and find the clock tower.

IMODE: You 👂 what he said about the next step 📞 to us, same as i did. Don't you feel it pulling at you?

Literal pull? Powers? Future player?  --All baseless speculation of course.

SILAS: Woah are you seein’ this.

Vriska’s probably putting on her very public display now.  (This is a bonus so I’m skipping lots of banter and arguing.)

> (==>)

Oh, they just saw John flying up to the clock tower in his outfit.  And catching sight of him fly is rare celebrity gossip stuff so of course it’d stand out to them, apparently.  (Only one of them is athletic apparently, the other two are groaning at the prospect of more running.)

> (==>)

Avril always enjoys running, but there’s something else thumping along to the rhythm of the thuds of his feet and beat of his heart. He’d thought Imode was nuts for feeling it just a minute prior, but now he’s realized he isn’t deadweight, that he hasn’t fucked up someone’s life irrevocably, and it pushes him faster and faster as he tears ass toward the belltower.

(Did we know Avril was he/him before this?  Probably but if so I forgot.)

Okay, since we’re getting glimpses into each of their headspaces narratively that BOTH have had some oblique aspect references, I have to at least OPERATE on a guessy assumption that there’s a sort of classpect-for-each-of-them thing going here.

I’ve quoted both those whole paragraphs here... so what do I see?  This is going to be a bit tougher because I don’t care as much to remember these characters...

Imode had some Lighty-or-Seery language, and then could not stop picturing bad things happening to Harry, wanting to avert that chain of events.  So something of a Seer or Mage would make sense.  But given how easily Lighty stuff and the Understanding classes (or at least what we think those are) can be conflated, Mage of Light seems a bit of a premature jump.  Heck, I’m only saying Mage because a Seer of Light already occupies a starring role, and because her first act on that feeling was to jump after it herself and tell the others:

IMODE: Stay here and 👢👅 your way into fame if that's what you really want. IMODE: I’m ✈️. Follow me if you’re not 🐔💩.

--leading by example rather than directing the others into battle.  Only half-caring if they followed, willing to pursue it herself if necessary.  So, potentially more “Active”.

As for Avril... the word “heart” is mentioned there, sure, but the full context is “there’s something else thumping along to the rhythm of the thuds of his feet and beat of his heart”.  I’m inclined to think that the rhythm/beat references, especially the even footsteps and heartbeats hitting like a metronome, might be more tied to Time?  But if so, I don’t see anything class-related.  (Could also be Blood, and him thinking of what he owes in the last sentences could be reinforcing that?  Big question marks for now.)

> (==>)

Door to the belltower’s locked.  The kids figure John’s forgotten that his son can’t fly.

AVRIL: this is it, this is the thing we can help with! #feelinit #vibes IMODE: OK I'm excited that you believe me now, but what are you gonna even do? IMODE: use your big all-star 💪 to break down the 🚪?

--so they think they can “resolve a missing plot point” by getting the way into the clock tower open?  Is this going to be a theme or running joke of the Influencers sideplot, showing plotholes resolved in bonus content like how we finally saw how Gamzee’s body was relocated last time?  When I was explicitly mad about that?  (This seems like a much smaller one though.)

Apparently in HS^2 proper they remarked that the door SHOULD be locked, but Vriska just opened it anyway and wasn’t surprised it was unlocked, which she would’ve ascribed to her luck -- how the universe just makes way for her.  (And we’re literally seeing HOW the “universe” “made way” for her this way, through these Influencer kids.  Even though Vriska could have broken down the door in a second and it’s practically meaningless.)

> (==>)

Avril just has the key!

AVRIL: so like my photoshoots are like, #modernfashion #myworkout #urbexp IMODE: Yea, your 📸 are why we’re all in this mess. We know. Get to it. AVRIL: fair. ok well this is the urban exploration part. AVRIL: a lot of the public infrastructure buildings in the kingdom have the same weird, shitty deadbolts on them. AVRIL: its like they were mass-produced for ease of access or something. AVRIL: none of the deep crockergov stuff, but a lot of the kingdom maintenance buildings. AVRIL: so once you swipe one key, you got access to it all. AVRIL: that’s how i get a lot of my hard-to-get shots #tradesecrets #tellnoone

Hhhmmmmm.  So what does this tell us about his potential role?  Getting places you’re not supposed to is associated with the Thief, Rogue, Bard, and sometimes Knight classes... as well as the Time/Space aspects, or the Void and Breath aspects.  A Thief or Rogue of Time could do the trick, and fit with the rhythm paragraph earlier... whereas Space doesn’t have the same rhythm associations even if it is “places” he’s getting into for these shots.  And photography, snapshots still in time, is something Dave was also explicitly into.  Plus, this exploit he’s showcasing is specifically for older buildings, playing into history/archaeology from an urban perspective.

So, Time is looking like a safer and safer bet for him.

> (==>)

lock click

> (==>)

long-hair swoop, cheer

SILAS: Yeah, I’m tickled a near-disproportionate amount by the unlockin’ of a door, so I’m inclined to believe you were onto somethin’.

Still no real hints about Silas, yet.

AVRIL: ok so. we did it, right? #missioncomplete AVRIL: feels a little anticlimactic #tbh IMODE: idk, I think so? whatever I was feeling doesn't seem so immediate anymore. IMODE: I wonder if-

Okay, that’s some near-confirmation that Imode was LITERALLY FEELING the plot or some such.  We’ll probably end the Influencers sidestory eventually with at least solid GUESSES blatantly obvious for their potential Hero Roles or the like.

> (==>)

Ah, Vriska and the kids are coming-- and we get the Silas paragraph(s)!  Silas is green-themed with green text, and a session with a Time player has a good chance of having a Space player too, so let’s see if...

Silas doesn’t know what being spotted by the other kids might mean, metaphysically or logistically or legally. She’s not particularly pressed by that sort of thing. But this is a day that’s come with more introspecting than she’s used to having to endure in a year, so she's ready to get moving before it becomes an issue.

As Harry Anderson, Vrissy, Vriska, and Tavros proceed to have this conversation, Silas pushes to catch up with Avril’s pace. She’s not sure where they’re headed, and has no clue what all this means for her. She knows the step she’s taken isn’t one she’ll be able to backtrack from, but she’ll figure that out tomorrow. For now, one foot in front of the other.

That...

I mean there’s a lot of talk of time-FRAMES, from a lazy perspective, but just-pushing-forward-in-the-here-and-now is reasonably Spacey? ...hm.  I was excited for the Silas paragraph(s) but I don’t see any immediately-apparent pattern meant for us to discern classpect info here.  Maybe a female Page example (since we could use one), propelled along by events without knowing what’s going on at first, too early in her journey to have taken more than her first step up the gradual incline of her long-term potential?

I really don’t know I guess.

Anyway, that’s the end of the bonus upd8!  See ya in a while.