#the raw panic this posts portrays

[psi-spectacular]

I swear to god if I get one more email about the psychonauts intern program I'm gonna lose it. I went to ONE college fair LEAVE ME ALONE

(3 notes)

🕸️localwitchypsyles Follow

Weekly reminder that the movie "Carrie" is super problematic and caused a psychic panic when it was released! It is not good psychic representation, and I'm tired of people posting about it like it is! Its very obviously anti-psychic and portrays us as evil!

🐰bunnyblues Follow

Weekly reminder that without movies like Carrie psychics wouldn't have a screen presence at all

🥩i-give-raw-steak-to-people Follow

🐰bunnyblues Follow

Why

(30,026 notes)

🪩milla-vodello Follow

While I took care of children in the past, Psychic summer camp is a different beast! Just recently, I turned my back on them for one minute, and when I turned back, they were smacking each other upside the head with cardboard tubes! I turned around and scolded them for harming each other. Then they started smacking each other with telekinesis, so I decided the tubes were better. Children... are weird.

(3,589 notes)

🥀photosbylizzie Follow

Photoset for @.sherlockcourse! Johnlock w beige theme! Hope u like it sis :)

🧜‍♂️ripallpaul Follow

SHERLOCKCOURSE IS YOUR SISTER

LIKE IRL SISTER

🔎sherlockcourse Follow

Yeah? What about it?

🧜‍♂️ripallpaul Follow

IM SORRY, I DIDNT KNOW THAT MY FAVORITE PHOTO BLOG WAS GENUINELY RELATED TO A SHERLOCK DISCOURSE BLOG

(1,247 notes)

❄️urfavecrystalgirlie Follow

Hayyyyy guys! I found this weird glowing crystal, I feel like it has a really strong aura, but it makes it a bit hard to focus when I'm around it. Its quartzlike and I found it on the side of the road, yellowish in tint. Does anyone know what this is? Help appreciated!

🖥️interwebbist Follow

girl slenderman is near

🌀tptfan110 Follow

Okay, so, I get it, funny haha slenderman joke. but op, if this is still in your house,

GET IT OUT RIGHT NOW

That is psilirum, a radioactive, psycho-magnetic material. Its very similar to psitanium but has opposite effects. If you're psychic, it can weaken your psychic abilities, and cause hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions. It can also cause nearby electronics to fail, possibly creating fires and bricking your pc.

Though, its honestly strange that it would be found outside the rhombus of ruin. Its likely a smuggling operation of some kind or even artificial psilirium, report it to the authorities ASAP with the location you found them and keep them in some sort of container from now.

🐚xxlolabit Follow

Signal boosting!

(23,324 notes)

🟩sashanein-1fan Follow

🟩sashanein-1fan Follow

Anyone who voted the shark is STUPID!!!!!

(24 notes)

🦦samabambam Follow

If these bitchass beasts dont do their job

(3 notes)

[loupy-mongoose]

WARNING: Discussion of abuse and trauma ahead!

I'm gonna go ahead and stick a disclaimer here; this is mostly raw, still-developing thoughts. So if I get anything wrong, please correct me. I'm not here to misrepresent. ^^

~~~~~~

I've been thinking of and discussing with others about Cody's backstory, and how his past would affect him mentally.

(I drew that because I wanted some good Jamie/Cody hurt/comfort~)

He had a rough time in his teens--Obviously there's the abuse portrayed in that comic I posted a bit ago, but there's more to it all that weighs on Cody's mind.

I've always had it in my head that Cody has a short fuse despite his normally gentle nature. (If he was a Pokemon, he'd be Gentle, Quick tempered.) I think I figured that his trauma and/or the abusive situation he went through would cause a temper to develop, but @puzzled-zebra brought to my attention "rage attacks"--from what I understand, it's like a panic attack but "fight" instead of "flight" or "freeze".

So I'm thinking that they have a room in the house where Cody can go to step away and work out his attacks. Along with the punching bag, I was thinking there's also a board and nails that he can hammer to his angry heart's content, and maybe he carries pencils around to break.

@tokyoteddywolf also suggested that he could make bread in his anger too, because of the dough kneading. And I thought maybe he habitually makes bread when an attack is coming on, but he doesn't realize it. Maybe Jamie has caught on to this habit and brings it to his attention so he can work it out as he needs to. And then they have bread to eat when he's cooled down~

[wolfnesta]

Hello! Can I pick your brain for a moment? I’ve finished all of ACOTAR, and I really do enjoy nesta. She’s real and raw. But I guess where I’m kind of stuck is why she was always spending feyres coppers that she worked for, was it retaliation? Or was it because she was angry at their dad? I hope it’s okay to ask, maybe I just need to reread ACOSF?

I’m honored anon! Since you mentioned acosf I’m thinking you mean when Nesta is drinking and getting rent money for free right? If you mean at the beginning of acotar I believe SJM didn’t have anything in mind for Elain and Nesta other than to make the reader pity Feyre and then later SJM tried to give that behavior meaning by saying Nesta did it out of hatred to make her father get up and do something 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m kind of meh about that whole thing.

If you mean in acosf, Nesta’s depression seems to make her feel outcasted ‘…had only been able to stand and watch them all, their joy and closeness, as if she were looking in through a window’ and also resentful— with Elain ‘Elain could make her own choices. And had chosen to thoroughly shut the door on Nesta. Even as she fully embraced Feyre and her world.’ and Feyre ‘How could she explain the tangle between her and her sister? The self-loathing that threatened to consume her every time she looked at her sister’s face?’ and also suffers from what seems like ptsd ‘Some days, the sheer dread and panic locked Nesta's body up so thoroughly that nothing could get her to breathe. Nothing could stop the awful power from beginning to rise, rise, rise in her. Nothing beyond the music at those taverns, the card games with strangers, the endless bottles of wine, and the sex that made her feel nothing but offered a moment of release amid the roaring inside her.’ All of which leads to alot of self hatred ‘every damning thing Rhysand thought of her was true— and she’d known it long before he had shadowed her doorstep. … Better to spend her time the way she wished’ (also the many times Nesta insists she ‘failed’). Plus the whole idea that Nesta has never had a choice in her life even pre poverty years ‘So your mother took Nesta creative joys and twisted them into a social climbing arsenal?’ I want to say those are the over all reasons Nesta turns to this harmful behavior. It interesting to me that SJM made sure to include that last part of Nesta’s life in her story because, though I feel like all the unresolved hate for her father is important, I would’ve thought we would also see Nesta heal from her mother and grandmothers mistreatment. But alas.

I want to add a personal note that it was heavily disappointing for me how SJM definitely knew how to portray these difficult aspects of mental illness but then she did what she did to Nesta and I’m like, okay wait no this is awful. This can’t be the same author that is able to show Nesta pushing family members away, not coping well, turning to alcohol and still make it seem that the very people that are supposedly ‘helping’ her can forcibly isolate her, slut shame her, physically threaten her, take her on a suicidal hike, show little to no care for her well being, take all of that and make it seem justifiable. Just. How do two wrongs make it right? Like it can’t be the one and the same author taking this good thing and then adding that to it .Nesta’s self loathing, anger, and her lashing out is an honest nod to how mental illness can manifest itself and I’d give SJM kudos for that except I realize this part of the story that you’re asking about anon was added purely to degrade Nesta instead of for realistic reasons and it’s visible in the way she has her mains react to Nesta. SJM was able to bring all this rawness to the table then butchered it. I know this ask isn’t about the topic here but anon I think you would benefit alot from reading the post because my dear @ae-neon is so much better at articulating a lot of the issues going on in those initial moments of acosf.

Anyhow, I hope that helps ❤️

[demonfamilytherapist]

⭐ for MC is a ghost after Lesson 16, or Pact Mark Headcanons

The ghost headcanons were a sequel to MC's permadeath headcanons, so I went back and read through those ones and included a basic sort of continuation of where the brothers were at the end of that fic. I'll go brother by brother, and the ending part to finish off:

Mammon: I think this isn't too controversial, but post-lesson 16 I think Mammon would be one of the worst affected. At least in terms of simple, uncomplicated grief, Mammon would likely get hit with the worst. In that scene in lesson 16, every other character was able to communicate to the others, or even comment on what was going on. Mammon was in a full panic. I think he would want to cling onto any memory of MC, and so would be one to dismiss his sightings of MC has hallucinations at first because of that. But he would also be grateful to have any part of them left and finally have an opportunity to be honest with his feelings. So I tried to portray him as feeling lost and empty and latching onto the possibility of MC still being around.

Levi: In the original fic, I gave Levi a bit of competency. Levi is one of the older bros and that does shine through sometimes, and I think if Mammon wasn't able to step up, he would. Levi is doing his best in the ghost fic to support his family, but that doesn't change that he's heavily introverted and anxious. All his efforts have left him extremely tired and self-conscious, especially since many of his brothers are likely too caught up in their own grief to acknowledge his efforts. Levi sees MC as the same source of reassurance as they were in life, but also as a source of motivation. MC's influence on him has encouraged him to interact more with his family even if it's hard. I wanted to show that positive impact - and how grief doesn't always change family dynamics for the worst, even if it's painful.

Beel: Trauma, trauma, trauma. Beel not only has residual guilt from Lilith, he now has new guilt over MC, and all of that is tied to Belphie. His twin, the one person he should be closest to and understand, stole someone he loves from him. The trauma has kind of overlapped for him and Beel can't reach out for Belphie for it, but he also can't just abandon his twin. Seeing MC again, Beel wants to correct his mistake and take care of whatever form they're in. It's not necessarily the healthiest coping mechanism, but it makes him feel more in control.

Asmo: Asmo is an interesting character for me to write. He's either super difficult or I have a really clear idea of him. For MC's ghost, I wanted to show Solomon's influence on him as well as why MC is important to him. He's using a very human coping mechanism (talking to MC without expecting an answer) both to feel more connected to them and because he felt they listened to him. It's only after he sees MC that it starts to have a more unhealthy bend, but well, I guess it's justified given MC really is there? I think as a character, Asmo has a lot to share in his areas of interest (fashion, trends, parties) but due to their apparent 'shallowness' few people listen to him. So I think MC taking the time to understand what he's talking about would be valuable for him.

Satan: Okay, here's where it gets interesting. I was not planning on necromancy coming into things at first. But I literally couldn't think about what to write for Satan. Satan is not a character who would just sit around and mope, he's someone who would want to try and take action even if it seemed totally helpless. Satan also made his pact literal hours (or even less) before MC's death, so I think the rawness of that bond and the grief over 'what could've been' in particular would've driven him to act. I also wanted him to go to Lucifer when it became clear he needed help to show MC's influence again.

Belphie: He was actually the toughest one to write. I firmly believe Belphie began to develop feelings for MC (not necessarily romantic) while still in the attic. However, he held his trauma, grief, and misplaced rage higher than those feelings which led to his actions. When the justification for his rage was removed, Belphie is left to realise that he killed an innocent person (which, demon, he probably could've recovered from that) and a person that his family dearly, dearly loved, and whose loss completely broke them apart again. That guilt informs his actions for every part of the story, and leaving his shared room with Beel at the end of his section sort of foreshadows what would happen at the end.

Lucifer: Lucifer doesn't have the same close relationship with MC as his brothers do, so while he does grieve their loss and his role in it, his primary concern is his brothers (which just happens to distract him from his grief too!). Lucifer's lack of close relationship with MC is also shown in his poor understanding of them (seen in his insistence that they would be hostile). However, Lucifer has faith in Satan which changes his opinion. I have a lot to say on Lucifer and Satan's relationship, but I think that Lucifer is a lot prouder of Satan than he always shows and has a lot of respect for his learning and ability. So when Satan approaches him with the truth about MC, Lucifer is able to accept it. It also helps that the whole situation has served him quite a bit of humble pie, too.

Ending: once again, necromancy was not my original plan for this fic, but it honestly made sense. Lucifer has already broken the rules of life and death for a loved one once. They're seven of the most powerful beings not only in the Devildom, but across all three realms. And MC is one of them now. Lucifer offering his pact is his way of making it up to his family and MC for hiding the truth. Belphie's offer to leave was written shortly before I played the s3 finale, and let me say I felt so vindicated on that point. Belphie hates being alone, he's scared of being alone, but he offers to isolate himself willingly because he wants his family to heal.

It was a very fun fic to write!

[wolfjessedragon]

District 9: Reflecting The World Then and Today

Note* Hey guys I know I normally don’t write stuff like this but while looking though some old files I came across this movie review I had to do for a class assignment a few years ago and thought I’d share with y’all. Why? Well with what’s going on in today’s world I thought it would be appropriate and honestly let’s start a conversation about this. This is a one time thing, just sharing some old works, I’ll still be writing SCP stuff for Zeta 1 in the future. Be good humans, hope y’all like, and have a nice day.

Imagine a world where you risk getting shot because of one little mistake or due to appearance. While in that world, imagine your body morphing, turning to the people you trust, and in return being treated like a war-prisoner. This was the reality of the two protagonists in the movie District 9. In the world of District 9, back in 1982, a spaceship full of an alien race known as the Poleepkwa landed on Earth. A few Poleepkwa explained that they had no choice but to land on Earth, that they meant the humans no harm, and they wanted to go home. At first, people were willing to help out the aliens, but a government funded organization called MNU (Multi-National Untied) made propaganda to turn public opinion against them. Allowing the MNU to do as they pleased to the Poleepkwas for the past twenty years. These exploits included unlivable conditions, working for little to no wage, restricting access to human contact, mandatory abortions for un-licensed eggs, and violence from other humans; all stacking the system against Poleepkwas. Although District 9 is a fictional movie, it mirrors injustices in our history and present day.

There are several factors that create barriers between human and Poleepkwa. The Poleepkwas look like a mixture of anthropomorphic grasshoppers and shrimp who stand at almost seven feet tall. These creatures are incredibly strong; we see just how strong they are when an MNU officer confronts one of them and in a panic, the Poleepkwa rips his arm off. We also see they have strong bonds to their young as when an MNU worker attempts to take one’s child away, the parent gets defensive. Their diet consists mostly of raw meat, suggesting that they are carnivores. These creatures can reproduce both sexually and asexually, which is the main reason why MNU kills unlicensed eggs. Another thing that creates barriers between the Poleepkwas and humans is that the Poleepkwas are physically incapable of speaking human languages. Personally, I can understand why the humans would be terrified, can you imagine creatures like that wandering around your neighborhood?

For years, MNU had posted negative propaganda to portray the creatures as monsters. Sadly, the propaganda worked, and people started acting violently towards the Poleepkwas. In the eyes of the public, MNU portrays District 9 as a sanctuary for the Poleepkwas when in reality it is far from it, as the neighborhoods are slums. There are some commercials and scenes in the movies where interviewed humans say that they fear the Poleepkwas and do not like how their government insists on keeping them in Johannesburg. I feel this reflects our world all too well as in our own history organizations have used false info and cherry picking to gain support for their horrific actions. I would also like to note that while we don’t see many humans supporting the Poleepkwas we do get a couple of shots of a crowd of humans protesting against the mistreatment of non-humans. Which makes me believe that MNU censored the interviews going against their actions.

If this sounds familiar, that is because these connections were meant to reflect radical segregation throughout history, specifically the apartheid era in South Africa. From 1948 to 1994, these apartheid laws were extreme segregation laws that allowed the white population to have all benefits over the black population. Throughout the movie and its commercials, media of how “nonhumans” are restricted from a number of things go into certain buildings, using public transportation, and are given curfews. Laws like this existed in the Apartheid Era except instead of nonhumans, it was nonwhites. The punishment, for both the movie and real life, was severe from beatings, imprisonment, and even death.

I believe Neill Blomkamp (the director/co-writer of District 9) made District 9 because his ties to the Apartheid Era are personal as they are political. Blomkamp was born in Johannesburg in 1979, a member of the white population, meaning he was not exposed to the same discrimination as his black neighbors. Blomkamp described his hometown as “this amazing, racially charged, powder-keg city — an urban prison.” It was not until he moved to Canada that he realized what was actually happening in Johannesburg. “We were all just sheltered from what was going on,” he said, “and it was only looking back that you realized, God, that’s how it was.” (A Young Director Brings a Spaceship and a Metaphor in for a Landing)

Blomkamp is a master director; the world of District 9, which we have only scratched the surface of, comes into focus, mainly through the actions of protagonists Christopher Johnson and Wikus Van De Merwe. For the past twenty years, the Poleepkwa Christopher had gathered enough fuel to jumpstart the mothership hoping to go home and give his son a better life. When the former MNU supervisor Wikus finds the fuel canister he accidentally sprays himself and begins transforming into a Poleepkwa. Still in the early stages of transformation, he undergoes the same torture and persecution that he had supported throughout his career. On the run, Wikus takes refuge in District 9, meeting up with Christopher and his son. While helping Christopher, first out of selfishness, then out of care, Wikus reflects on his previous actions and understands the struggle of life for the Poleepkwa in District 9. He quite literally lives the quote, “You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it,” (Lee, Harper). This realization gives way to social progression and at the end, liberation. It encourages the breaking of racist, xenophobic, and social standards; and why District 9 is a reflection of humanity’s dark history.

While District 9 is fictional, the concept, location, and actions symbolize real-world criteria. Taking on the consequences of negative propaganda; I believe that our world needs more stories like this especially now when due to the internet negative propaganda more accessible than ever. In today’s world, the demand for this media is essential to make sure the present day does not once again mirror District 9.

[elytrafemme]

hello! as usual I hope you're doing well :)

I've just finished reading the new chapter of cough syrup and I'm back for my obligatory post-read rambling in your asks (i hope these aren't annoying btw)

Fucking great chapter, it was so good. You continue to impress me with your ability to portray raw emotion. I found myself heavily relating to cs!ranboo in this chapter (concerning? perhaps.) and all of it felt so real because it was so well done (/pos). I think the constant repetition of words and phrases was excellent in capturing that sort of spiraling helplessness and gradual breakdown. That's an incredibly hard thing to write because often times it's so hard to comprehend, but it seems like you just do it effortlessly.

I loved the paper crane scene, it reminds me of things my best friend and I used to do in high school. The fact that they kept giving the paper crane little head pats was super sweet and I just really love that detail.

Also here are a few lines I particularly enjoyed from this chapter:

"It's easy to imagine himself wandering aimlessly, lost in the blurs of forgetfulness and never having an anchor to attach himself to. Nothing to remember and nothing to find, wholly disattached and forgetting over and over until he inevitably dies."

Again, incredible chapter, so excited for the next one!

hi!!! hope ur doing well too aiilov-c ty for stopping by :DDD

these are absolutely NOT annoying they make me really happy so thank u for doing them! they mean lots to me :]

at long last... among a sea of people i've made cs!tubbo kinnies, i have ONE cs!ranboo kinnie (/J) seriously though, thank you so much! i think the actual writing process when trying to depict someone having a spiral is really interesting and honestly fun to do; it's kind of neat to figure out how each character ticks and how they handle stress/sadness/grief/etc.

cs!ranboo's is always pretty interesting to write (and i'm always nervous whether or not i do it justice, so i'm happy to hear i do!) because a LOT of it is, as u pointed out, sort of about francticness and repetition of thought (as well as words but that kind of buckles under that) because when he's stressed, his mind is either scattered all over the place, or it completely shuts down

vs cs!tubbo, for example, where he also can get panicked, but it usually takes very specific things to make him panic in a similar scattered way. not sure how to describe how he handles emotions because i'm sort of figuring it out as i go, but def different from cs!ranboo and very fun to sort out!

initially when i was editing this chapter i had been so lost in writing like chapters 12-14 that i had completely forgotten where i put the crane scene and thought it ended up in like chapter 14 for some reason? so when i was editing i reread it and i'm really glad i included it in chapter 10. partly because chapter 10 is so heavy without it holy shit, but also because it's very sweet i think :) paper cranes are so lovely and i'm glad it was nostalgic!!!

not to get too heavy here but i'm really glad you enjoyed those lines because the specific feeling that they were meant to capture constantly is a pain in the ass to try and figure out how to describe, so i'm glad it stuck out if that made sense?

i think that one of the most terrifying things for cs!ranboo is the fear that one day he could just disattach and kind of... float? and lose touch with reality. he struggles with derealization as this chapter touches on, and that plus dissociation plus his memory issues means that it's a really major fear for him. honestly, i don't even know (from a writer's standpoint but also like a human standpoint) if that fear is ever going to get resolved. i think that may be one of those things you're always terrified of happening but hopefully you find 'anchors' that make it easier.

whether or not cs!ranboo does or if that disattachment gets worse, we will see :)

thank you so so much for the nice ask, seriously, it means so much. hope ur well :D

[tvobsessed96]

About 1x10

I have a lot of thoughts about last night’s episode, and I’m going to do my best to sum them up here. This got long again and I don’t want to bombard you all with a wall of text. Look below the cut if you so desire.

I want to start by talking about how Zoey handles Simon in the episode, because I feel like I need to defend her a bit here. It was wrong of Zoey to try to put a time limit on Simon’s grief, but she was right about one thing. Simon refusing to let himself be happy for his mom just because he hasn’t been able to move on like she has is selfish. Simon was also trying to police his mom’s grief and that’s equally uncool. And like any good empath, Zoey was able to help him work it out in the end. In her messy Zoey way, sure, but still. She did help him. We all know the five stages of grief, but that doesn’t mean two people are going to grieve in the exact same way. I think that’s what this episode was trying to show with Simon and Zoey’s storyline.

In general, I really appreciate this show’s willingness to tackle all aspects of grief. It’s not the dainty, quiet affair it’s often been portrayed as. Grief can be ugly, loud, and irrational. And it’s not just the grief of losing a loved one the show is interested in depicting. I would argue that Max is also going through a grieving process, too. He’s grieving his friendship with Zoey, and he’s deep in the anger stage just like she is. I’m not saying that grief is a justification for treating people badly, and that’s not what this episode is saying either. There’s a big difference between excusing something and explaining it. Anger and grief can make you do and say things that feel true in the moment, but that you don’t necessarily believe. 

To sum it up, “Zoey’s Extraordinary Outburst” is an extremely raw, uncomfortable episode of television. For most of its run time, it is not a fun or pleasant experience, and that’s by design. This was not an easy episode, but I think it was a good and necessary one. But no matter how you feel about it, you’ve got to tip your hat to Jane Levy for another stellar performance. The immense sadness mixed with fear and panic on Zoey’s face when Mitch was aspirating was breathtaking.

I want to end this post by saying that making art and putting it out into the world is always an incredibly vulnerable thing. I can’t even fathom the amount of vulnerability it takes to do what Austin Winsberg is doing with ZEP. Taking the most painful period of your life and turning it into this vibrant, very human show about empathy, grief, and the power of music? That takes guts. This is a gutsy show, ya’ll. Sometimes, watching it feels like how Zoey describes hearing Simon sing “Mad World” for the first time. How it was so raw, and painful, and personal that she almost felt embarrassed listening to it. Yet I keep coming back. Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist is just that good.

[karazor--el]

The Beat

INTERVIEW: Nicole Maines on bringing trans issues to SUPERGIRL

Cori McCreery Cori McCreery

.

On March 15, 2020, an episode of Supergirl titled “Reality Bytes” aired on The CW, focused on the harrowing topic of violence against trans women. Actress Nicole Maines, a trans woman who portrays Nia Nal (aka Dreamer) on the series, led the way in the episode with an emotional and raw performance and with contributions in the writer’s room. On March 31st’s Trans Day of Visibility, The Beat got to sit down with Maines to discuss bringing trans issues to primetime television.

The Beat: Happy Trans Day of Visibility.

Nicole Maines: Happy Trans Day of Visibility to you too! Thank you very much.

The Beat: As one of the most prominent trans voices out there today, what does today mean to you?

Nicole Maines: Well it kinda feels like a double-edged sword for me. I feel like, on the one hand, it’s a victory lap for all of us because we’ve made so much progress. You know, we have reached all these milestones but then at the same time you know we have to take a moment and recognize, why our visibility is so radical and you have to remember everyone else who we’ve lost along the way and you have to keep in mind all the new legislation that’s being introduced amidst all this so there’s a lot of emotions, but I think it should first and foremost, be a happy day for us to celebrate that we can even be visible.

The Beat: Yeah. As someone who also has a history of activism in the trans community, I feel that very close to my heart. I’m from South Dakota, which has made news in recent years for all of the really vile anti-trans legislation that they have tried to pass. And I feel a little guilty because it all started coming out after I won a court case in South Dakota.

Maines: Well first of all, congratulations. Second of all, you know, I think we shouldn’t feel guilty about that because it’s kind of like, you know, how a “hit dog will holler,” that old saying? It’s kind of like that. I feel like that’s kind of the final thrashing for that kind of bigotry and way of thinking, they feel they feel threatened, which, you know, they should.

The Beat: So I know we’re all cooped up right now. Do you have any plans to celebrate today online at all with friends?

Maines: Yeah! So I did my social media posts and I did a really, I thought, cool video of like me transitioning from me when I was younger and I was still rocking a bowl cut to now as Dreamer to kind of show, you know, it gets better and look how again just looking how far we’ve come. And then also, I took a moment to kind of give a shout out to, there’s a lot of us who can’t post selfies for trans day of visibility, because you know we’re living at home with parents who aren’t supportive or we’re not in a safe school environment, we’d be facing harassment online from peers. So, I wanted to take a moment, also and kind of recognize, hey, y’all are just as much a part of this community and even if you can’t participate in Trans Day of Visibility, you’re still valid.

The Beat: Speaking of being stuck at home, what are you doing to pass all of your free time now?

Maines: Well, I finally broke down and I got Disney Plus. So lots of that. I binged the Mandalorian and now I’m doing an entire rewatch of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I’m starting at season one, then I’m going to go right into the new season that just got released so I’m really excited about that. Lots of Disney movies. I tried to teach myself how to sew. Turns out that’s not in my skill set. And then lots of video games. Just yesterday I ate Ritz crackers, in the dark.

The Beat: I too ate Ritz crackers in the dark yesterday, so solidarity. What video games are you playing right now?

Maines: Right now my main one has been Warframe on Xbox. I have some friends who’ve been playing, so I’ve been playing that and then also League of Legends Teamfight Tactics because of course, they released a new mobile version, so I can sit in the dark, eat Ritz crackers and play that on my phone, so that’s great.

The Beat: All right, so let’s get to the matter at hand. You’re on your second season of playing Nia Nal on Supergirl. How has this season been different from your first?

Maines: This season feels a lot more of Dreamer, as she’s become her own force, I think. I mean, for the most part, season four was really kind of showing us who Nia Nal was and kind of showing us her growth and her transformation into Dreamer. And so season five has been more, you know, we’ve had Dreamer, from the season premiere, and so now we’ve kind of gotten to see Dreamer’s struggle as opposed to Nia’s struggle, I think. And we’ve gotten to see her come even more into her powers. And then, of course, also struggle with her relationship with Brainiac so it’s been, I think, it’s been a lot heavier of a season for Nia than season four, I think. Season four was kind of like her really coming into her own. and then season five has just been her getting like hit after hit after hit.

The Beat: Yeah, although it wasn’t all roses in season four either. You had the really impactful episode of the show, “Blood Memory”, that talked about the rejection of trans people by their family, which is an issue that affects so many of us. How involved were you in the planning of that episode? I know you were heavily involved in “Reality Bytes,” but how heavily were you involved in that one?

Maines: Yeah. I was still really involved. A little less so than in “Reality Bytes”, because of course “Reality Bytes” was kind of all about transness, whereas “Blood Memory” it was just a blip, it was much more about her relationship with her powers and with her family rather than about her transness. But as far as that conversation between Maive and Nia went, I sat in my trailer with the writer and with Jessica and we just talked kind of about what language should Maeve be using, what feels appropriate to say, and feels like it is accurate how that conversation would go but also not so overindulgent in transphobic verbiage that it would become triggering you know what I mean?

The Beat: Yeah.

Maines: Yeah, so we didn’t want to like lean too heavily into it but we also didn’t want to like, totally pull the punches, because that’s not really, you know, how those conversations go. So, when we eventually settled on just having Maeve say what, to her, made the most sense, which was “How did Nia get these powers if she’s not even a real woman?”

The Beat: Yeah, it was so important, and likewise this year’s “Reality Bytes” got to tackle violence against trans people and especially violence against trans women of color. How did it feel knowing that you’d be so involved in something so monumentally groundbreaking on network television?

Maines: It was really exciting, and also a little nerve-wracking. I have to give credit to our director Armen (Kevorkian) for his Saint-like patience with me. Looking back now, I’m like, oh my gosh, I was so overbearing. But I felt so protective of this episode. Just because they’d given me so much involvement in the writing of it and I knew how important this episode was to me, and how important it would be to everybody else watching it, so I wanted to have my hands in everything. I wanted to know what was going on, what we were doing. And I didn’t need to do that, they knew what they were doing and they were so fantastic. And so incredible and everyone on set just got it and they just knew what we were doing and they knew how important this episode was. And everyone was so excited and so proud to be part of it.

So getting to be involved in the writing process was really great. And then finally seeing it on television was so so rewarding because of course part of the conversation we’ve had leading up to that was that so much ends up on the cutting room floor. “What do we absolutely need to keep?” And seeing that a lot of it was actually kept. Because talking about it is one thing, and then going on and turning on the television and seeing them talk about the trans mortality rate. Giving accurate, statistics, having Yvette talk about her situation as a trans woman of color, addressing that very often trans violence is swept under the rug by law enforcement. Seeing all that talked about was so affirming.

The Beat: Yeah, it absolutely was, and you talked about how you worked hard to keep triggering language, out of “Blood Memory” and that’s something that I felt happened in “Reality Bytes” too, like it would have been perfectly in character for the villain of the episode use the T slur, but the fact that that didn’t come out of his mouth felt so important to me because that is such a triggering word.

Maines: I feel like using those kinds of slurs might have been a crutch, because that’s not what we were trying to do we didn’t want to have this character just throwing out hurtful words just for the sake of it, and realistically, that’s probably what he would have done, but we kind of wanted to show more of what his thought process was. And we wanted to see more, you know where this dude is. What is his motivation in trying to take down a superhero? And so we really want to use that screen time to more highlight this idea of “gay panic”. It’s just so much easier to just have someone come up, tell a slur, and then have a superhero beat him up. I think it’s much more important and impactful to show why that kind of thinking is dangerous. And to highlight those arguments that are being made, because a lot of people really didn’t believe that trans violence was an issue and they didn’t understand why people would attack trans people.

The Beat: So you talked about the statistics that you brought up in the episode, and a big point of debate online after the episode was the choice of having William being more knowledgeable about these issues than Kara, what drove that decision?

Maines: I saw those too. And I saw people talking, “Kara doesn’t need that explained to her, she doesn’t need that.” And I think it was good that William was the one to say and show her because one: he was a reporter, he was reporting that so it would make sense that he kind of had those statistics and he had those numbers, because he would have looked them up. And a lot of people thought that, because Kara was Nia’s friend, that she would have researched trans stuff and she would have… And I think no, you could go up to my best friend in the world, we’ve been inseparable since high school. If you asked him what the trans mortality rate is off the top of his head he wouldn’t know! Cis people, regardless of how supportive they are, I can ask my mother in the other room right now, she wouldn’t know. Because it’s not something that’s talked about, it’s not something that a lot of people think about and really if you’re not in the trenches, doing this kind of work. I think most trans people are unaware of exactly what the mortality rate is at any given time.

And so I think, for Kara, it was important to show that you can be very very supportive and not have all the answers and you can still learn. It was never a question of whether or not Kara was supportive of Nia. We’ve known that from the beginning and we really saw that in “Blood Memory”. We know how important Kara is to Nia and we know how important Nia is to Kara. But that doesn’t mean that Kara has magically become a trans activist and that she has all of this information that she would just know off the top of her head, because why would she? Why is it something she would have looked up? She just wanted Nia to know that she was supportive and that she had somebody. And that’s where that support was coming from it wasn’t coming from a place of “let me look up all these statistics and let’s go lobby together” that’s not what it was about.

The Beat: How did it feel to act out the anger and powerlessness that so many of us feel in the face of this violence. It was so cathartic watching you take action against the bigot. I can only imagine how it felt to portray it.

Maines: Part of it was, of course, exciting, because we’ve never really gotten to see Nia or Dreamer angry. You’ve never really got to see her vengeful. So that was exciting just from a character point of view. And then, acting it out. I really really wanted to show just how deep-rooted a lot of this frustration and anger is. And so, I don’t know if it read, I don’t know if it really played, but while we were actually fighting, we adjusted the choreography of the fight a little bit. Because Dreamer, of course, has been trained by Brainiac and by Supergirl and she knows, and she’s technical, she knows what to do with her hands and with her body when she fights. I wanted to kind of strip that away and I kind of wanted to give it this schoolyard fight feel where she’s not really throwing right hook, left hook, jab, jab, and it’s more just like she’s just going to slug him, like one punch just thrown after the other and really kind of physically show all of that frustration. And then when Supergirl arrives she kind of has this moment where she looks, and she kind of recognizes “What am I really doing?” Because she got so caught up in it that she just completely lost track of her situation. But it was really, it was really exciting to get to show that side of Nia. And it was really I mean cathartic for me to kind of, as he was, you know, listing off all his talking points, to just say like, “Oh yeah your fragile ego was shattered wasn’t it?” That felt really good and I was like “Yes, Nia, read him! Drag him!”.

The Beat: So I’ve got one last question. And that’s about the future of the show. Melissa recently announced her pregnancy and I’m so happy for her. Any idea if we’re going to see more of Dreamer to kind of fill that role to give her more time off?

Maines: I really have no idea what the plan is moving into it, because we kind of had a little bit of a plan. And then it was just kind of, you know, everything was thrown up in the air with the virus. Now we’re kind of unsure what’s gonna happen and when. I mean, I’m on call. Whenever they call me, beep me, I’ll be there. I don’t really know what is in store for season six, I just, I know kind of what we’re going to be doing but I’m not sure of any of the details.

Supergirl is currently on hiatus due to the COVID-19 pandemic. New episodes will return on April 26 starring Melissa Benoist, Nicole Maines, and the rest of the team.

Comicsbeat.

[zensbae]

Finding your feet again.. {Zen x mc}

Part II of "The Penthouse"

Takes place in Jumin's route, so spoilers, sweetie~

Teen - Swearing

2090-ish Words

Warnings: mentions of anxiety, mental health

~{This is my headcanon "bad-story ending" for Jumin's route, where you {the mc} leave the penthouse with Zen}~

~*~*~*~ Jumin's side of things ~*~*~*~

Entering the lobby of his apartment building, jumin feels on edge. Why is mc ignoring his texts? Deciding to dial her, the director steps straight onto the elevator, his back to the lobby, as he presses the button and begins his ascent to the top floor.

No answer, voicemail. This is unlike mc to neglect her phone this way, she always has it close by with how active she is in the chat room. He rings Jaehee.

"Yes, Mr. Han, what is it?" her soft voice answers back.

"Miss Kang, have you heard from mc recently? She won't answer my texts or my calls, I'm beginning to feel strange." Jumin admits.

Jaehee clears her throat, "No; isn't she still at your penthouse?"

"She hasn't been in the chatroom either, I left work early to come check on her. I feel complicated.." He says with a slight irritation in his voice.

"Jumin, are you all right?" The assistant asks, concern to her tone.

"Um, no- to be honest, I'm not all right. I will be in touch with you after I've seen that she's safe, until then, thank you for your concern Miss Kang, excuse me."

"Goodbye Mr. Han, I hope she's safe.."

He hangs up as the elevator reaches the top floor, doors opening to the reassuring sight of his bodyguards still posted at their stations.

"Mr. Han, sir? That was very fast." The chief bodyguard steps forward to greet him.

"I beg your pardon?" The director asks.

"Not long ago you said you were taking mc home to see that she continues her work?"

A wave of a feeling he can only describe as panic washes over Jumin Han, "Excuse me chief, I didn't inform you I was returning early from work.."

Entering his pass code urgently, he steps into the penthouse, mc's shoes are gone. Elizabeth can be heard mewing loudly from her cage in the background. He runs to the bed, no sigh of mc or her phone.

"AAIIISH!!" he hisses as he throws the blankets back sinking his weight into the bed, hands covering his face. She's gone. Quickly he gets on his security computer and pulls up CCTV footage, he rewinds the footage to where he sees mc go to the door, is that.. himself entering?

mc leaves holding the man's hand in the footage. The time on the footage makes that about 8 minutes ago.

Dialing Luciel, he bites down on his thumb nail.

"Jumin, what's up, meow?" The redhead answers by the 2nd ring.

"Luciel, now is not the time for pleasantries. My CCTV footage is acting strange, I saw a man.. resembling me, leave with mc 8mins ago on the playback feed. Only that's impossible because I just arrived here moments ago."

"Ohhhhhh?? Let me see.. hold on a sec-" 707 can be heard typing vigorously over the line, "HMmmM.. let's zoom in and get a good look, shall we?"

"You're 184cm, correct?" The hacker abruptly asks.

"That is correct."

"The man in the footage is 182cm tall.. you have a shorter doppelganger on the loose!"

A sick feeling in his gut again washes over the C&I heir, as he runs to tell the bodyguards of Luciel's findings, "Thank you for the information, Luciel. Continue searching and find out who it is, my bodyguards have begun a search in the building."

Just as he hangs up, something catches his eye.. there is a single silver hair on the floor. Upon closer inspection it is not one of Elizabeth's hairs. Clenching his jaw, he keys in Zen's number.

~*~*~*~

It's already afternoon, wow it was a long drive from Jumin's Penthouse.

Stopped at a traffic light, Zen's phone is ringing. The actor pulls his phone out of his pocket and you both see that none other than Jumin Han himself, is ringing.

Tightening your grip around his waist, slight anxiety makes its way to the forefront of your mind.

Zen returns in kind, pocketing his phone, gently caressing your hands with his, "Babe, are you hungry?"

"Yes, starving actually.." you admit to his back.

"Okay," The light turns green, he lets go of your hand and once again the motorcycle rolls forward.

Wind nipping at your arms and hair, you still feel anxious, but Zen's presence alone is comforting.

He pulls off at a barbecue place, you don't know this, but it's close to the theater he rehearses at often. You get off the bike with a hand from Zen and the two of you make your way inside the restaurant.

Seated in a back corner near a window, the actor tells the waitress he'll have his usual, winking at you as he makes a two with his fingers.

"Never in my entire acting career, did I ever think I'd be portraying that jerk." Zen sighs as he takes his hair down from the tight bun he had it in, fixing his loose locks back into a low-pony. He undoes his tie next, slinging it out of his collar, tossing it on the table. Lastly, unbuttoning the top 3 buttons on his pin-striped dress shirt, "Aaaahhh, MUCH better.."

He shifts his gaze back to you, you're looking out the window. Fixated on the street bustling with traffic outside, your hands cupping your chin.

"mc, are you all right?" He asks, eyeing your reflection in the window, "It's okay if you're not.."

You breath out a shallow sigh, "I'm better now, I just can't help but think he's going to try and take me back.."

"Jagiya, I'll worry about him when he does, for now I'm worried about you." he smiles faintly at you in your reflection.

Focusing on your own reflection, you suddenly realize how disheveled you look. Hair is frizzy and tangled, shirt collar is all bunched up under the blazer Zen loaned you. You try to straighten your shirt out atleast, taking the blazer off and sitting it beside you.

Then you finally meet the handsome actor's gaze. He's so breath-taking in person, and his eyes, wow.. they almost don't look real, deep Ruby and crimson with flecks of Amber mixed in.

"I didn't even get the chance to introduce myself, it's so nice to meet you, Zen.. I'm mc" you extend your hand to his, he takes it and gingerly encloses yours in both of his.

A warm smile crosses his lips, "It's nice to finally meet the mysterious party planner behind the screen. I'm so sorry it had to be like this;;"

Shrugging, you say, "It is what it is, I'm just glad you were there for me when I needed you.." a light hue of pink dusts your cheeks. The actor's hands are so warm, his skin soft too.

An array of raw meats thinly sliced, seafood, and vegetables make their debut at your table. Dipping sauces, side dishes of kimchi, rice, and other pickled veggies decorate the table. More plates come out for serving. This is a feast, good thing you're hungry.

Without skipping a beat, Zen begins to dress the grill with veggies, and some meats for you. "A girl has to eat," he says affectionately, flashing you his signature smile.

You smile back, "Well hurry up, cause this girl is hungry~"

~*~*~*~

A while later after you've both eaten your fill of Korean BBQ leftovers in tow, you make it back to Zen's place. Upon your arrival there is an unnervingly familiar face there to greet you both.

You glance at Zen worriedly and he squeezes your hand reassuringly, letting go to step towards the other man.

"Ah, it's Mr. CEO-in-line. What brings you here?" Zen feigns ignorance.

"I'm here to collect mc, she's important to me and I need her." Jumin says, crossing his arms and stepping toward the actor "I have to admit masquerading as me to get her was clever, but the masquerade is over, hand her to me."

"No. I can't do that, Jumin. You can't just cage her up against her will and expect everything to be okay. That isn't how this works!" Zen says shooting him a disapproving scowl

Jumin frowns, "Then I'll have to do this the hard way. Chief! Please lend me your assistance."

Chief of Jumin's security and 2 sidelining bodyguards step out from the shadows and go to grab you, but you lunge out of the way. Scurrying to your feet, you run to Zen.

The bodyguards surround the two of you.

"JUMIN!" You yell his name, shaking. "I don't want to go back with you!!"

The director falters for a moment, "Then what would you have me do, mc?"

"Go back to your penthouse, let Elizabeth out of that damn cage, and GO TALK TO SOMEONE!" You shout, your gaze piercing his.

"You're making a SERIOUS mistake if you keep going with this shitty kidnapping plan of yours," Zen barks out, you can hear his heart pounding in his close proximity.

Jumin steps back and clears his throat, "Oh my God what am I doing? Chief, hold back.. I need to think."

Stepping towards Jumin, you take a deep breath mustering up your courage to face the business man. Zen goes to reach for you but you brush away from his touch, making eye contact with a worried glance, he reads you and nods.

"I won't go back with you, but even though I haven't been with the organization that long.. I can see that you really do need help, Jumin."

Jumin meets your eyes with his own, ashamedly, "mc, I want to formally apologize for my behavior, I am truly sorry.. I'm not in my right mind, I'm under so much stress.. it's stifling and I have never felt like this."

You smile softly at the downtrodden business man, "I have a party guest confirmed to attend who specializes in dealing with emotions in a healthy way, if you want to see him?"

The director nods in agreement, "Yes that would probably be wise, please forward me his contact information." and with that Jumin straightens his tie and steps toward the actor waiting behind you.

"Zen I must also apologize to you, I put mc in an unfair position and in doing so ignored advice from you and the others. I'm truly sorry. I must also thank you for taking mc's safety more seriously than I."

Watching, you see the fire slowly extinguished in Zen's crimson eyes, he strides over to Jumin, "Ha.. I didn't expect an apology. I've known you for a long time, but I was truly worried you'd gone off the deep end."

The both of you see Jumin off with Driver Kim and the Chief bodyguard. The two other bodyguards stay behind to guard you while you're at Zen's, for his peace of mind.

Spending the rest of the evening at Zen's proves to be a therapy in itself for you. He lets you close to him so effortlessly, and it feels as if you've known him a long time. After today you are so relieved things ended this way, leading up to it you feared the worst.

When Mr. Han gets back he sends Driver Kim again for you, and you return to Rika's apartment at last to finish the planning for the party. Smiling softly to yourself as you boot up your computer you think, beyond that cool exterior Jumin Han has a beating human heart with feelings like the rest of us.

Jumin takes steps to getting the help he needs dealing with his emotions in a healthy way, he actually goes away for a while to meet experts in a foreign country. Unfortunately missing the party, and not being present very often in the chats, but it gets him out of his betrothal, as the Choi sisters are not accommodating to his mental health.

Jaehee informs you of updates on Jumin while she looks after his cat in his absence, Elizabeth the Third still manages to escape and go missing like in Zen's foresight dream, but Seven manages to find her in his own search for the hacker. You and Zen start dating shortly after the party.

A whirlwind of events to get you here, but you smile back on the tribulations that have transpired leaving you all a bit better off than you started.

~{I'd like to make one big note, I'm a softy and Jumin deserves peace and happiness, even if it's not from mc ❤️}~

originally I planned a spiral downward ending for Mr. trust fund kid, but I couldn't do him dirty like that~

[oldnebulabooks]

Home by Nnedi Okorafor  Rating: 4/5 Stars

I liked this maybe even better than the first one. While Binti dealt with introducing its namesake protagonist and charting her traumatic journey to Oomza University along with the alien Okwu, Home expanded upon themes of family and identity while also dealing with a topic that I think isn't touched upon nearly enough in contemporary SFF: dealing with the aftermath of trauma. There is a definite CW for PTSD and trauma in this novella, but it is handled very respectfully. This book sees Binti returning to Earth with Okwu in tow as an ambassador, and reuniting with her family and friends, the people of the Himba tribe. I found her struggle to find her place amid her recent physical and emotional changes to be incredibly powerful, especially once her grandmother's people, the Enyi Zinariya, were introduced. But my favorite part of this novella was the frank portrayal and discussion of Binti's post-traumatic stress disorder. As a student and researcher of psychology in my professional life, it was refreshing to see something with such stigma portrayed so prominently. Binti suffers from panic attacks, nightmare, and flashbacks, all of which are detailed with raw honesty. Not only that, but this book has Binti seeing a therapist, and slowly learning strategies that help her process her emotions and her traumatic experience. I loved that this book normalized seeking therapy after an experience such as the one Binti had. Often SFF brushes off the difficult experiences of its characters, when the reality is that many of them would absolutely merit therapy in the "real" world. I am of the opinion that frank and respectful portrayal of mental health, even in genre's lauded for their escapism, go far in reducing stigma. I was thoroughly satisfied with this novella, and can't wait to learn more about the infamous 'Night Masqurade' from this book, as it is the title of the next part of the series.

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 14

Chapter Title: “Twice Upon the 40′s”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 12,564 (quite a bit)

Warnings: ???

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

Summary: Eva continues to recall her past with Loki and unveils a connection with Tony that she’s kept under wraps for the majority of his life. Tony finally discovers why she broke her promise to stay away.

A/N: So, as I posted a couple days ago, yesterday (May 16th) was my birthday, and I was hoping to have this up then. However, the day passed by quickly with me being pulled in a million different directions by my friends and family. It was chaos, so I’ve finally managed to sit down and edit/upload this next chapter. I think we can all agree that “Endgame” has left many of us broken, and my heart wasn’t spared...like at all. I’ve written a lot so far, and most of the contents of the following chapters was written prior to my first viewing of “Endgame”, which makes it a lot more angsty than I was hoping. Like I’ve stated a trillion times before, I’m taking a lot of creative liberties with this fic, and I hope you understand. Thank you all for being so patient. Once again, I’ve heard a lot of really good theories about what might happen next, so I’m definitely excited to hear what you guys think of the story going forward. I’ve poured my heart and soul into this fic, and all I can do is hope that it shows. You’re all so phenomenal. I love all of you so, so, so much.

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny @xletmetaste-yoursmilex @itsknife2meetu @mynameisyara @j-j-ehlby-writes @jillilama-blog (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

The sudden gasp and subsequent screaming that erupted from the crowd pulled the immediate attention of both Loki and myself, with Bucky not far behind. I glanced over at Loki, and he nodded, agreeing with me that we would do whatever it took to protect the Midgardians, regardless of what it cost us. We would be discovered, but that would be a small price to pay compared to the alternative. As my eyes scanned the crowd to detect the danger, I quickly realized that there was none. The gasps and screams were because of the man of the hour’s decision to jump off the stage and walk over to Loki, Bucky, and I. By the time I processed what was happening, Howard stood directly in front of me. A charming smile tugged at his lips, and he cocked an eyebrow at me, “is it just me, or did I feel some electricity between us?” he asked, not holding back like Loki did when he was first trying to flirt with me.

I snickered, “no, I think it was just you,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest, “those are rather brilliant plans for a hovercar, though, it’ll be revolutionary in the years to come.”

He shrugged his shoulders, “yeah, once I manage to get it airborne and keep it that way,” he noted, glancing around at Loki and Bucky before his eyes locked on mine again, “what do you say I run another brilliant plan by you?”

My interest was piqued, and my eyes flickered over to Loki to see that he was rather amused by how reckless, spontaneous, and forward Howard was. To jump off the stage to simply talk to me was something I would’ve pictured Loki doing with me, but we had also been together for nearly a millennium. Seeing how amused he was by Howard, I entertained the technological genius more, raising an eyebrow at him, “I’m interested,” I stated, urging him to continue.

He stepped closer to me, and in that moment, I felt a pang of jealousy rush through Loki, but it didn’t last long at all. He knew, without the shadow of a doubt, that my heart belonged solely to him, that no other man could hold it the way he did, that I had no interest in being romantically involved with anyone else. Still, there was that moment of doubt that we both had from time to time. He never felt worthy of me, and he often voiced his concerns that I would someday realize that I could do better than him. Every single time he voiced those concerns, I silenced them with a kiss and reminded him just how much I loved him. I couldn’t even imagine a life without him, especially if I chose to live my life without him by my side. Once the jealousy wore off, I focused my eyes back on Howard’s brown ones, “well, the first step of this master plan is to get you to come dancing with me, and the rest is a surprise. So...what do you say?” he asked, a level of confidence once again exuding from his body as he spoke to me.

I leaned closer, “if you can tell me my name, I’ll agree to it,” I remarked in a low voice, astounded that he would ask me on a date without even putting in the effort of getting to know my first name. As I pulled back, I smirked, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to give me the answer. In that moment, I didn’t care if we shared a “connection” or not. His self-righteousness left a sour taste in my mouth. It was as if he felt entitled to take me out dancing. He honestly believed that I would agree to go anywhere with him when he put in close to no effort, and that was a bit frustrating to me, especially since he was doing this in front of Loki, a man who constantly put effort into our relationship.

Howard opened his mouth as if he were hoping that the name would just fall right out of the sky and into his lap. I cocked an eyebrow, suddenly more amused than I had been throughout the entire night. He caused a panic, and a piece of me wanted to watch him squirm for that. I heard Loki mumble something to Bucky before the soldier began to speak, “well, Eva, Loki and I were talking about the two of you joining Steve and I for dancing, since you were planning on going anyway. It wouldn’t hurt to add one more to the group,” he said, putting stress on my name.

I shot a playful glare at him, my eyes connecting with his mischievous blue ones. I knew that Loki had a hand to play in his “betrayal,” but I couldn’t be upset with him, especially when it was all in good fun. My eyes flickered back over to Howard’s, and he wore a triumphant grin, much like Thor when he returned from a victorious battle, “well, I guess we should get going, Eva,” he pressed, holding out his arm for me to take.

Stepping away from him, I gestured around at the small group we had formed during the expo, “I’ll meet you outside. I’d like to find Steve before we head out,” I stated before casting a knowing glance at Loki. He knew how important the Midgardians were to me in general, and I knew he felt the connection to Steve and Bucky just as I had. The two of us existed in perfect harmony with one another. We weren’t exactly the same, but we were different enough where we still existed beautifully together. There was no dissonance in our relationship, so I could hear and feel every subtle change within him. I knew that he felt a strong connection to Steve and Bucky, that he would treasure their existence for as long as he lived. Then, there was Howard. Our connection to him was strong but strained at the same time. I knew there were layers of Howard, and I desperately wanted to peel them back to see who he was on the inside, raw and vulnerable. There was no way he was the man he portrayed himself to be. There was so much more to him, and I would discover it sooner or later.

As I broke away from the group, I wandered around the expo, following the vibrations within me. There was a certain feeling I had the closer I got to Steve, and I just followed it the stronger it became. The closer I grew to him, the warmer I became, the more my heart swelled to accommodate the beauty that was Steve’s very essence. By the time I found him, he was outside, and I found my spot right next to him. Standing in complete silence, I studied the perfect lines of his face, never wanting to forget him even if I never saw him again. He gazed up at the stars in the sky, the depth of the night threatening to swallow him whole, but he didn’t look small in that moment; he looked sure and determined-about what, I did not know. The moon and stars reflected perfectly in his deep blue eyes, and I found the reflection far more beautiful than the real thing. For a moment, I wondered what my home would look like through his eyes. Would the reflection be even more beautiful?

After a short time gazing up at the stars with him, I interrupted the comfortable silence that fell between us, “we’re all going out dancing. I assume Bucky and Loki talked about it, and they decided we should all just go together. Would you like to join us?” I asked.

He shook his head, a stray piece of golden hair falling from its perfect position, “I don’t think anyone wants to witness my dancing. I’d probably step on your toes anyway,” he joked, trying to laugh off his clear discomfort. It was clear that he wasn’t given much attention, so the smallest amount was enough to make him squeamish. There was something deeply troubling about that, especially since I sensed nothing but goodness within him.

“Well, as long as I can step on your toes a few times, we’ll make a great pair,” I laughed, trying to lighten the situation between us. He smiled up at me before turning his attention back up to the stars. I could tell that something was weighing on his mind, but I would respect his privacy and leave his mind alone. I cleared my throat, looking back up at the stars with him. Tears filled my eyes involuntarily as I felt a sense of loss deep within my soul. There would be no changing his mind on dancing, and I had a strange feeling that this would be a goodbye. I couldn’t see his future, but I could feel the path he was on, and I was uncertain if ours would ever cross again. I swallowed hard, trying to force away the sorrow I felt. Even though there were hardly any words spoken between the two of us, there was an emotional connection I felt with him that became a part of who I was. Our souls were intertwined in a way that I couldn’t possibly describe, even with all my experience. My hand came up to rest on his shoulder, and I gave it a light squeeze, “I can see right through you, Steve Rogers. You have a kind soul, a warrior’s soul. You’re going to do great and amazing things,” I murmured words that would remain sacred between just the two of us.

He remained completely silent for what seemed like hours. Time between us passed so slowly, almost as if the universe itself were bending to give us more time together, almost as if she also knew that we would never have this again. I watched as every emotion passed over his face before only one remained: bewilderment. Finally, he worked up the courage to lock his gaze with mine, “every other woman brushes me off like I’m a pest, but...now, you come along, some beautiful stranger, and you treat me like a human being. Why? Why you? Why now?” he asked the question that looked to be on his mind from our very first interaction. He wasn’t used to kindness from strangers because he was different, and I knew how isolating that treatment could be.

I sighed, “I know what it’s like to be the outsider, one of the people living on the outskirts of society, and I can sense that you know what that’s like as well. It’s a feeling I would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I have...a gift of sorts,” I confessed, not wanting to get too in-depth with him. I couldn’t sacrifice my frequent visits to Midgard just because I wanted to make myself known to too many people. There had been others who knew about Loki and I, people from hundreds of years prior, but as technology improved and gossip spread like a wildfire, I became more cautious. Telling Steve everything would be overwhelming for him, and that was the last thing I wanted to do, “I can feel the very essence of who you are, Steve. I felt a connection the moment I saw you. You are meant to do wonderful, selfless, heroic things, and I could feel that you will do them for the good of humanity. I don’t know you like James knows you, but I know you in a different way, almost like we’ve met before in another lifetime. Deep down, you feel it, too, do you not?” I asked, my voice as tender as I could make it.

He nodded his head, remaining silent as he tried to piece together how I could’ve known something like that, “I know the type of person you are, Steve, and I can feel the person you will become. Your purpose is to fight for what is right and good, to fight for what you believe in. My purpose is to show love and commit myself to bettering the lives of those around me. Every life is beautiful, magical, filled with this radiance that I cannot explain, and I believe in preserving that as best I can. You embody everything I believe in, so in turn, I believe in you,” I confessed before watching his eyes flicker over to the recruitment center in the distance.

The determination in his eyes was so clear. It was the same look I had when I watched my father leave for battle. I wanted to go with him, to fight alongside him. While I didn’t appreciate violence, I believed in fighting when it was necessary for what was right. Steve’s eyes filled with that same passion, “it’ll happen this time,” he insisted, almost like he was also trying to convince himself of it.

I nodded my head, “I hope with all my heart that our paths cross again someday,” I murmured, my voice close to quivering with my unchecked emotions. Before then, even my closest Midgardian allies didn’t find a home in my heart as fast as Steve had. I forced a smile once his eyes locked with mine for the last time, “promise me that even in your moments of doubt, fear, and insecurity, you’ll remember that there’s someone out there who believes in you, who is rooting for you, who wants nothing but the very best for you. Promise me that you’ll remember the people who care about you, the people who think about you, who fall asleep with undying hope that you’ll be safe because I’ll be thinking of you for the rest of my life. I’ll be thinking of the man who would’ve let me step on his toes,” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood before I started to get emotional.

He nodded his head, his eyes glossed over with tears, “I promise to think of you, too,” he insisted with a wide smile, “I mean, how could I ever forget a woman like you?”

I reached out and grasped his right shoulder with my right hand, my arm crossing between the two of us. I gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, much like how Loki, Thor, Ephinea, or Hjalmar did to me before battle. It was a sign of respect, and it was also a way of saying farewell in other circumstances. My heart thudded in my chest as I thought of leaving, but I couldn’t stay, “farewell, Steve Rogers,” I murmured before stepping away from him.

“Goodbye, Eva,” he whispered, as if he was accepting whatever fate had in store for him. I knew war. I knew how many lives were claimed by violence, and I couldn’t be naive and think that he would somehow overcome all the odds and survive it all. I believed in him, but I also had to be realistic.

As I walked away, I tucked every second I had with him into the back of my mind, knowing that I would pull them up at random when I wanted to smile. The group I was going out dancing with was waiting right outside the entrance to the expo, so it wasn’t difficult to find them at all. The most difficult part was forcing myself to let go of Steve so that my thoughts didn’t ruin the rest of the night. Loki and I didn’t frequent Midgard as often as we wanted to, but when we did, we tried to make the very best out of it. As soon as I reached the group, I linked arms with Loki, smiled up at him, and we proceeded to follow Howard and Bucky to what Howard claimed was the “best spot in town.”

Once we reached the dancehall, the music, life, and joy in that room left me in yet another state of euphoria. The moment Bucky opened the door for the rest of us to proceed inside, I grabbed Loki’s hand and pulled him out onto the dancefloor, listening to that angelic laugh escape his lips. Upon reaching the dance floor, Loki spun me around and danced in tandem with me, and the world melted away. All that was left was the two of us, our hopes, our dreams, our love. Bucky and Howard soon made their way onto the dancefloor with the two girls who had once accompanied Bucky and Steve. They were timid girls, and I knew that it was still the custom on Midgard. There would come a day when they would be able to speak and be heard, when their loud, boisterous voices would take up the dancehall, when they could yell from the top of the mountains. Asgard wasn’t too different, but we made strides far before Midgard. There were staunch differences between our two worlds, but we were similar in that everything else was improved before we started to look at prejudices. Just as Asgard improved, I had hope that Midgard wouldn’t be too far behind. Nevertheless, the girls followed Howard and Bucky out onto the dancefloor and laughed with them as they began dancing.

My eyes turned to Loki’s deep blue ones that sparked to life the moment they connected with mine, “you bring the color to my life, Eva, I hope you know that,” he whispered, the words rolling gently from his lips like a silken waterfall.

I stepped closer to him, “I know that look. You want something,” I realized aloud with a smirk tugging at my lips.

He matched my sudden mischievous attitude with a grin of his own, “only you, darling,” he replied, continuing to dance like we were the only two people in the room. He spun me around and led me at the perfect pace. Loki had such an artistic soul within him. He loved to paint, draw, write, sing, and he especially loved to dance. He had an undeniable talent when it came to the arts, but he danced with such fluid motions, and I was always left in awe of the beauty he created. Loki’s love of dancing stemmed from our childhood. I learned to wield a sword at a young age, and my father always told me to think of it like a dance, like every move I made with the sword was an extension of myself. When Loki and I trained together, I sensed his discomfort when it came to combat, so I used the same words my father used with me. My favorite moments were when Loki would pick me out of a crowded ballroom, walk over to me, and hold out his hand as an invitation to dance with him.

As we continued to dance, I noticed his eyes flicker to a scene going on over my shoulder. A frown overcame his lips, and I felt his heart sink. My eyebrows instinctually furrowed as I desperately tried to figure out what was wrong. I craned my head, seeing that Bucky was making his way off the dancefloor after only a few songs to sit down with Howard. The girls they had arrived with were nowhere to be seen, and I assumed that they had called it a night and retired home. Glancing back up at Loki, I pulled him closer, our bodies slowing down to nothing more than a gentle sway. His grief still didn’t diminish, so I reached up and cupped his face in my hands, stroking his cheeks with my thumbs, “what’s on your mind, my love?” I asked.

He sighed, looking for the right words to say. Usually, Loki had a silver tongue, and he rarely fell victim to speechlessness; however, as he fished for the words, I noticed that he was experiencing distress over Bucky’s retreat from the dancefloor. I brushed his raven hair back, tucking a few of the stray pieces behind his ears. He reached up and grasped my hand, turning his face into it and pressing a firm kiss into the palm of my hand. Once he released it, I rested it against his chest as one of his free hands, snaked between us so that his fingers could dance along my jawline as we spoke, “dancing with you, holding you close to me, makes me feel more alive than the adrenaline during battle. Every man deserves to feel that way at least once in their life, the same joy and freedom they could have while holding you. James will be going into battle tomorrow and could very well die a warrior's death. This is his final night as a free man. I shouldn’t be selfish with you,” he realized aloud as his cheeks flushed with color. Loki didn’t blush often, but when he did, they were some of the more endearing moments I had with him.

My heart filled with so much pride in the man I loved, a man I someday wished to call my husband. Loki and I lived as if we were married, but we had yet to make it official. There was a side of him that not many people could see, a side he often didn’t let others see because it would force him to be vulnerable, which scared him. Loki had been hurt too many times to count, so the thought of opening up was dreadful for him. The man in front of me in that very moment was one I knew better than I knew myself. He was willing to be selfless if it meant that one of the Midgardian’s would know happiness. He treasured them just as much as I did, doing everything in his power to bring them harmony, joy, and peace. As the warmth spread through my heart, I draped my arm over his shoulder, my fingers stroking the back of his neck, entangling themselves into his wild black locks, “you have such a beautiful heart, Loki, and I’m the luckiest woman in all the Nine Realms to hold even a piece of it,” I murmured, always baffled by how a man who radiated that much compassion and empathy could foster a love for me, a love I didn’t think I deserved.

He chuckled, “and all this time I believed that I was the lucky one!” he exclaimed, causing my lips to pull up into a wide smile, “I’ll sit out a few dances, so you and James can have some time together before the night comes to a close. Besides, I’ll have you for the rest of the night once we get back to the hotel,” he whispered, mischief peeking into his tone at the very end of his statement. I knew what awaited me back at the hotel, and the reminder of it only made the knot in my stomach tighten.

I nodded and walked over to the table where Bucky and Howard sat as Loki approached the band, whispering a few words to them. They all seemed to nod in agreement to what Loki said, but I didn’t listen in. Instead, I turned my attention to Bucky with a grin on my lips. When he caught my gaze, he rose to his feet, much more graciously than I had expected, but it was also much more urgent than I anticipated as well. He pulled off his hat that kept his hair tame, and, while it remained well kept, a piece of it fell from the rest and hung in front of his forehead. Without his hat on, he looked so much younger, like a child who was being shipped off to war, and I suddenly understood why Loki was doing this, “Sergeant Barnes, would you care to dance?” I asked, as Loki took a seat at the table with Howard, who looked to be slightly jealous of the question I proposed to Bucky.

The soldier in front of me nodded his head stoically, as if I asked him if he wanted to jump off a bridge with me. I knew he hadn’t anticipated me asking him to dance, especially when Loki and I were so smitten with each other all night. This was our only opportunity to be that way with each other because we were always under the watchful eyes of everyone in Asgard, especially Odin. However, neither Howard nor Bucky knew of that life. I reached out and took his hat from him, tossing it back onto the table before grabbing his hand and running out onto the dancefloor with the soldier trailing right behind me. As soon as we began dancing with each other, he loosened up, and a smile overcame his features. Bucky made for a beautiful dance partner, a man who could just feel what I was about to do or the move I was about to make, and he intercepted it with perfect timing. He moved with a fluidity that Loki did, but there was something even more beautiful about my connection with Bucky on the dancefloor. Loki and I had been together for nearly a thousand years, so we had all the time in the world to get to know each other-every little thing-so it made sense that we would exist in perfect harmony with one another. Bucky and I had only just met, yet the connection that formed between us was so strong that it rivaled the connection I had with Loki.

The connection made it possible for me to sense that something was wrong, that he was preoccupied with thoughts of the future, “something’s wrong. Tell me,” I urged him, my voice lowering so that the words remained between us. I didn’t want to call attention to our intimate moment.

A look of shame crossed over his features because of what he was feeling, which was something we could all relate to-humans and Asgardians alike. I experienced it countless times. There were times when the situation called for me to be calm and collected, but I was filled with emotion, and that led to a lot of shame. There were times when I should have been more emotional and open, but I was closed off, which led to the same feeling of shame. Bucky cleared his throat, “I’m afraid,” he answered simply, glancing around to see if anyone noticed what he had just confessed.

I cocked my head, not completely understanding why he would be afraid. He seemed so collected and confident all night since the moment we met, but now, he was becoming more reserved. The moment he confessed to his fear, I could see it in his eyes clearly. I wanted to know more, though, “what is it you’re afraid of?” I asked, nothing but curiosity seeping into my words. Even though my goal wasn’t to pry, there was a chance that I could ease his conscience.

He frowned, an expression that didn’t belong on a face so beautiful and full of life, “I’m afraid of dying,” he murmured in a voice that nearly trembled the way Steve did when we first met.

As soon as he explained his fears, a chill ran through my entire body, starting at the very top of my head and ending at the very tip of my toes. The chill dragged along my back, my arms, and my chest as it spread throughout every piece of me. I knew war better than any Midgardian could. I had fought in hundreds of wars over my lifetime, including many that the Midgardians waged between each other, which seemed rather foolish at times. I knew what was lost in war, as I had lost some of my closest friends in battle, and in turn, I had lost pieces of myself. I knew that once you had witnessed war, there was no returning to the person you were before. Bucky was afraid of the unknown, of walking into his future without knowing if the ground beneath him was sturdy, or if he would fall through. The image of Bucky being one of the souls Death claims made my blood run cold. I shook my head, “you won’t,” I promised, trying to piece myself back together to keep the emotions from tearing me apart.

His eyes filled with worry. I remembered that feeling. Every battle I ever rode into was met with that feeling, but it was heightened that first time. The first time Odin chose me as one of his warriors, I felt that same fear. It was a mix between anticipation, terror, reluctance, and a bit of excitement. There was a moment of asking oneself, “why did I agree to this?” However, once you crossed over that threshold, once you reached the battlefield, all of those emotions were washed away, and the adrenaline, the will to live and to protect your people came flooding in. Bucky sighed, “I might,” he replied, his jaw clenching.

“But you won’t,” I stressed to him, not wanting that thought to even cross his mind. In that very moment, looking up into blue eyes that would soon see all that humanity had lost, I made an internal promise to do whatever it took, absolutely anything, to protect him. My new purpose was to protect Bucky and Steve, to keep them safe and ensure that they lived their lives in a way that would make them happy. In that moment, I made them my responsibility. I reached up and stroked his perfect cheek with the tips of my fingers, wanting to remember this human for the rest of my life, “you can’t go into this thinking that you’re going to be one of the men who will fall on the battlefield. Don’t accept death. Fight her all the way,” I urged him, remembering the countless times she had waited on the edge of the battlefield for me, waiting for me to slip or make a single mistake that would grant her access to my soul.

Bucky cleared his throat as the band began to play a slower tempo, “it’s getting late,” he noted, pulling away from me and glancing back over at the table where Howard and Loki looked to be deep in discussion.

“Stay for just one more dance with me,” I pleaded, grasping his strong hand in mine. His fingers trembled ever so slightly as he turned back around to face me, his blue eyes clearly showing his discomfort. He wore every emotion on his face, and I was glad for that. It made reading him far easier. I stepped closer to him, our bodies brushing against each others and causing him to step away and create more space so that I would feel comfortable. His arm snaked around my waist, but he left a lot of unneeded space between the two of us. I smirked at his attempt to be a gentleman, “do you always hold your ladies like this?” I asked, calling attention to his delicate hand on my back and the amount of space he left between us.

“Well, you’re not one of my ladies. You’re Loki’s lady, and that man seems like he would tear me apart if I even looked at you for too long,” he replied, imagining a completely different man than I had grown to know and love over my entire life.

I snickered, “the only way Loki would hurt you is if you tried to hurt me. Loki’s a peaceful soul, and he knows that my heart belongs to him, so he’s not worried about a dance,” I reassured him before I stepped closer to him once more. He accepted the lack of space, and his arm around me tightened slightly as we swayed back and forth with one another. The world began melting away as we danced. My cheek rested against his shoulder, and my eyes fluttered closed as I listened to his strong heartbeat. I felt the purity of his soul bleed into my own, and I realized that merely dancing with Bucky was enough to soothe and rejuvenate my soul. My body molded into his as his arm tightened around me ever so slightly. I knew he was afraid to hurt me, which I knew would be a difficult feat even if he tried. I pulled back just enough to gaze into his eyes, our face mere inches apart.

His gaze softened once our eyes met, and our swaying slowed as he lost himself in thought. Even after the song ended, he continued to hold me close to him. His baby blue eyes turned solemn, and I knew that a goodbye was coming, “you should know that...regardless of your status as Loki’s lady, if I do meet my end out there, I’ll do so with thoughts of you,” he confessed, swallowing the lump in his throat, “I feel like you’re my guardian angel, disguised as the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in all my life. Just being with you makes me a little less afraid of what’s to come. Just holding you makes me feel so alive, and I never want to forget this moment for the rest of my life. I don’t think I could even if I tried,” he laughed, trying to lighten the situation.

My eyes watered as I finally came to understand that Loki was right. He wanted Bucky to feel alive, and he succeeded. There were many reasons why I loved my God of Mischief, and his unyielding drive to do good was amongst them. I felt such a pure love wash over me in that moment, both for Bucky and for Loki. Something about Bucky ignited a spark in Loki, and I knew that it only meant I would do that much more to protect him. I cleared my throat, trying to fight back the tears. Bucky’s words to me were so similar to those that Loki would whisper to me before he left for battle, words I often whispered to him before I left as well. A stray tear cascaded down my cheek, but it was wiped away without hesitation by the soldier in front of me, “and you should know that regardless of how little time we’ve had together, if you die, a piece of my heart will die with you, so try not to break my heart, Bucky Barnes,” I trembled, my voice so close to breaking. Bucky, like Steve, had such a pure soul with a drive to do good, to do what was right. When I met people like them, there was a connection that happened, a connection that couldn’t be broken, not even in death. It was as if our souls fused together and became one, and I would forever feel their life lingering within me.

“Can I cut in?” Howard’s voice interrupted my private moment with Bucky. I glanced over at the genius who had been waiting patiently for a dance with me. He held Bucky’s hat out to him.

As the soldier nodded in response to the question, he took his hat, propping it atop his head, “take good care of my girl. This little lady is the best dance partner you’ll ever have,” he remarked, winking at me.

Howard and Bucky shook hands, a firm grip connecting the two men, “be careful out there, soldier, and make it home safe,” Howard insisted, as if his mere words could protect the soldier. It was a sweet sentiment, and I had often received the same words. Sometimes, it did make me fight a little harder to come home, so I hoped it would do the same for Bucky.

Bucky turned his attention back to me, and I threw my arms around him, unable to contain myself. This was goodbye. This would be our final time to bask in the presence of one another. His strong arms wrapped around my waist, completely enveloping my body, not wanting to let go, “when you leave, don’t look back. Just keep walking,” I ordered him, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to keep myself together. I told the same thing to Loki when he left for battle without me, which wasn’t often. Still, I always urged Loki to not look back, to not search the crowd of faces to find me.

He nodded his head in agreement to the terms. As he pulled away, I noticed the sorrow in his eyes, that our time was cut so short. The heartbreak was clear in his eyes, and I felt my own heart twist as he spoke, “goodbye, Eva. You’re the one I’ll never forget,” he murmured to me, the words remaining sacred between the two of us. No one else would ever know what he said or how he said it, or the look in his eyes as if I were the only woman in the world.

I grasped his right shoulder with my right hand, my arm crossing between the two of us, “farewell, Sergeant Barnes,” I responded, my voice breaking as the tears threatened to spill from my eyes. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked through the crowd. I stood with Howard at my side as I watched him leave, my heart breaking as I wondered what his future had in store for him, as I wondered what it would be like to just bring him back to Asgard with me to protect him for the rest of his days. The fairytale in my mind offered me nothing but a false sense of comfort. My bottom lip trembled, and a few stray tears fell from my eyes as he opened the door, hesitating for only a moment. Then, like Loki, he turned around, his eyes searching the crowd of faces to find mine. Tears had left a few wet streaks down his cheeks, but once his eyes caught mine, I gave a nod of my head, bidding him a final farewell.

Brushing the tears from my cheeks, my eyes locked with Loki’s saddened blue ones as he sat over at the table on his own. The sudden eye contact seem to pull him out of deep thought, but upon seeing my tear stained cheeks, he offered me a sad smile, understanding the toll every goodbye took on me. I was never good at bidding farewell to anyone, especially people I had that connection with. Loki knew that Bucky and Steve were two of those people, and we both knew that Howard wouldn’t be far behind them with his quick wit and hidden sensitivity. Deep beneath that rough and jagged exterior was a man who was just as vulnerable as the rest. I clenched my jaw, fighting the emotions back so that I could deal with them later when it was just Loki and I. He would hold me, cradle my head against his strong chest, and I’d let the tears fall silently as I listened to the steady heartbeat of the man I loved with all of mine.

Howard’s voice pulled me from my intimate, prolonged look at Loki, “are you okay?” he asked, genuine concern slipping into his tone.

I nodded my head, wiping away the last of the tears, “yeah, I’ll be alright,” I answered, taking a deep breath and turning my full attention to him, “how about that dance?” I asked, forcing a smile in an attempt to fool myself that I could feel genuine happiness in the midst of my worry and sorrow. If I put on the facade, perhaps I could become the facade.

Howard’s sly smile spread across his lips and reminded me of Loki’s, “you’re gonna fall in love with me, sweetheart, and there’s nothing I can do to stop you,” he teased me, his eyes even more playful than they had been when he noticed me from the stage.

While I was taken aback, I shouldn’t have been that surprised. A man who leapt from a stage in the middle of adoring fans just to ask me to go dancing with him was a man who couldn’t be contained. I snickered, “what makes you think I’ll fall in love with you?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow in genuine intrigue as we began dancing with one another. While Bucky was a very fluid partner, Howard was rather clumsy and stiff. I chalked it up to the amount of time he spent studying and working, time that wasn’t spent having fun. That was one of the joys of living for thousands of years, you had time for everything.

“Oh, you and I just click,” he answered with a sly smile, “there’s something under all this, and you’ll see it soon enough. When you do, you’ll toss your man to the wayside and come running to me,” he finished.

I tilted my head, fascinated by his response to my question, “so, I’m going to leave the man I’ve been with for the majority of my life when I fall in love with you, a man I met tonight?”

“That’s the plan, yes,” he answered

My eyes widened, “oh! There’s a plan?”

“Of course!” Howard snickered, before sizing me up, ready to put me on a pedestal, “a guy like me needs a plan to even have a shot at a girl like you.”

Before I could formulate a response, my eyes caught those of my love over Howard’s shoulder, and I noticed that he was smiling at the exchange going on between Howard and I. He could hear us clearly, and the conversation was rather entertaining for him. There was never any reason for Loki to be jealous, so that emotion wasn’t prevalent for him anymore. Once upon a time, his jealousy had been clear as day, especially when it came to my friendship with Thor. However, after spending nearly a millennia together, we both knew that we’d find our way back to each other. Once I cast as smile over to Loki, I turned my attention back to Howard, wanting to change the subject, “you didn’t mention that you’ve been working on the technology for your hovercar since you were a child. It’s been the better part of 20 years.”

“I didn’t want to age myself,” he replied, shrugging it off before tilting his head, “how did you know that anyway?”

“I keep an eye on things,” I answered, wanting to be as discreet as possible. I couldn’t tell him that over the past thousand years, I made trips from my home world to Earth, that I watched over his planet from afar, that Loki and I had a hand in changing the course of history from time to time. Other people knew about his work with hover tech, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary to have that information, “what made you so interested in this technology, anyway?”

For a moment, he was lost in thought, his deep brown eyes glazing over with memories of his past. For the first time that night, I saw him as much more than he let on. I witnessed his memories with him as they flashed before his eyes. I saw his parents. His mother worked in a factory, and his father sold fruit. I saw him get bullied in school for not having nicer things. I saw every memory he had, and once he pulled himself back to the present, my inquiring mind was forced out. He cleared his throat, “my, uh, my parents,” he stammered, stumbling over his words at the first sign of vulnerability.

“Were they also genius inventors?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. I couldn’t let him know that I had seen who they were, what he experienced as he grew up. He had to think that this information was given to me by him, not that I practically stole it from him without his knowledge.

“I’m a genius inventor?” he asked, raising a playful eyebrow. He was well aware that I admired his work, but it was clear that he was trying to get out of the situation I had put him in with my previous question. I knew he was trying to avoid the vulnerability, the feeling of being unencumbered by the facade he wore. He was afraid to be just Howard. Sensing that I wasn’t going to let him change the subject, he took a deep breath, preparing himself to answer my question, “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, and I sure as hell didn’t grow up like that either. My parents were poor, my friends were poor, everyone I knew was poor. I witnessed the poor treatment of the lower class by the upper class. Growing up, I was bullied and isolated because I didn’t have as many things as others did. My parents were looked down upon because of their jobs, but they made an honest living. I had respect for my parents, but I knew that I didn’t want to live from hand to mouth for the rest of my life, so I put my strengths to good use. I just wanted to do something more with my life than struggle to make ends meet. I’ve come across a lot of luck that got me to this point, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget where I came from.”

“That’s what’s going to make you a stronger man, Howard,” I assured him, feeling the connection between the two of us strengthen. While I felt a spark when I witnessed his memories, I felt a deeper connection when he trusted me enough to let me in the door, even if it was just a little bit. His gaze disconnected from mine, and he tried to focus on something else to keep himself from becoming too invested. I knew that move. I had seen it in Midgardians and Asgardians alike. It was a fear of letting people see them for who they truly were. Howard knew that I had broken down a piece of that barrier, that I had made my way inside his fortress of solitude. When he cast his gaze away from me, he did it to protect himself; he did it as a desperate attempt to rebuild the wall and toss me back out, but I wouldn’t let him. I reached between us, my fingers grazing over the smooth skin of his cheek, and I turned his head so that he was facing me once more. My eyes connected with his, and I tried to convey every ounce of support and encouragement I had for him in my gaze, “you’ll appreciate your successes more if you remember your failures, and you’ll appreciate what you have if you remember what you didn’t have before. All you went through, that’s going to make you more determined, more powerful, and far more beautiful. I know it.”

His eyes brightened at my words of encouragement, and I could tell that it was probably the first time in a long time someone believed in the man beneath the mask. A spark of life ignited within him, as if my words fanned the flame within him. He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close to him, his eyes filled with inspiration as his eyes stayed locked on me. That was the moment, the single moment, when I knew that I was wrong about Howard in the beginning. I was wrong about him being this arrogant, self-righteous, boastful man. I knew that it was a facade, but once he let me see him, I saw all of him. I saw the pain, the disappointments, the fear, and the humility. The connection between the two of us was amplified in that moment, and the day would never come when I stopped caring for him. He was one of the people humanity needed, a hero that humanity seldom deserved. During the time we danced with one another, swaying back and forth, I discovered every piece of him, his past, his present, and his future. I saw what he would bring about, the changes he would make, the lives he would change, and the life he would create. I saw a son who would be one of the greatest gifts to the world, one of the greatest gifts to me.

As the music slowed down again after a handful of songs, a passion in Howard’s eyes caught my attention, “I have a wild proposition,” he claimed, his heart skipping a beat as he ran over the idea in his head.

I nodded, “run it by me,” I insisted.

“Marry me,” he proposed, bold as ever. It made his act of jumping off the stage seem subtle and tame. My breath hitched in my throat, and I was left speechless. It was a question I was still waiting to hear from Loki-a subject we danced around all the time-and we had been together for our entire lives, but then there was Howard who took mere hours to ask that same question. I wondered if there was something wrong with one of us. Perhaps there was something wrong with me that made Loki not want to marry me, or perhaps, there was something wrong with Howard for asking me to marry him so quickly, or perhaps, there was something wrong with Loki for taking nearly a thousand years to ask the question. In my state of shock, Howard took the time to formulate his argument, “say yes, and I’ll buy you the biggest, most beautiful ring in all of New York. We’ll have the biggest wedding money can buy, and I’ll make sure you have the perfect dress. Hell, I’ll have it custom made for you. There’d be none like it in the world. All you have to do is say yes,” he urged me, his brown eyes hopeful and still filled with that spontaneity.

My heart broke as I tried to figure out a way to let him down gently. Loki and I belonged together, and there would never be another man I would love as much as him. There would never be another man I would even consider marrying aside from Loki. That sensitive, mischievous, sometimes self-destructive, funny, compassionate God of Mischief was my person, my world, my life. While Howard would become one of my people, he couldn’t occupy the same space in my heart as Loki. I smiled at him, touched by his insistence on marrying me, “oh, Howard, that’s so sweet, but...I can’t,” I replied, not wanting to hurt him.

“Please, just...tell me why,” he insisted, confusion washing over him. A part of him was expecting me to agree to it, to run away with him and live happily ever after. However, his happily ever after wasn’t mine.

I reached up and stroked his cheek, wanting to be as gentle with him as possible. Howard, I knew, was a good man beneath all the rubble, and I had no intention of breaking his heart. I knew that denying his proposal would be hard for him to cope with for a time, but I couldn’t throw away my life with Loki to pursue a life with a man I didn’t love in that way. Allowing a gentle smile to form on my lips, I proceeded to answer Howard’s question, “I have no need for a custom made dress or an extravagant wedding. I have no need for such a ring, either. All I’ve ever needed in my life...is love, and I found that in Loki, in the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with,” I answered, glancing over at the man who’s eyes hadn’t broken away from me, whose eyes never flickered between the faces of those in the room. His eyes remained locked on me the entire time, admiring me from where he sat. Loki often studied me, which left me rather flustered when I caught him, but it was romantic in a way that I’d never experienced before. The man I love more than anything loved me enough to want to bask in every ounce of me. I was lucky.

I turned my full attention back to Howard, “he could ask for my hand with a blade of grass tied around my finger, and I would say ‘yes’ to him in a heartbeat. It’s not about the material possessions, Howard. Love, marriage-they’re about the time your love spends with you. It’s about the times when you’re sick, and they sit at the side of your bed, stroking your hair back as they sing your favorite song to you. It’s about the way they look at you like you’re the only person in a crowded room. It’s about the way your bodies fit together perfectly, as if you were one soul-one being-at the beginning of time. It’s about the arguments that end with a kiss because you don’t want to go to bed angry at them. It’s about the mornings you awake, and you are greeted with the sight of them-the morning sun shining against their skin, and they’re the most beautiful sight in all the universe. It’s about the nights you spend telling stories that they already know, but they listen as if they were hearing it for the first time. It’s about them learning to braid so they can braid your hair back because they love the sight of your face. It’s about their willingness to learn everything about you, and your willingness to let them because you trust that they’d never hurt you. I already know that you and I are destined to be closer than many, but my heart belongs to Loki. It always has, and it always will,” I explained, wanting him to understand that my refusal to marry him wasn’t about the lack of a connection I had to him, but it was about my connection with Loki.

“You really love him,” he realized aloud, finally understanding that my love for Loki ran deeper than any ocean ever could. A piece of me wondered how he couldn’t understand it from the beginning, how he could genuinely believe that my love for Loki could be so flexible that I would leave my love to run off with him. Perhaps he just didn’t know what love was in the first place and the power it had over those who felt it.

“You’ve never felt love before?” I asked, tilting my head.

He shrugged, “I’m a busy man. Love would just get in the way of me living my life.”

I thought back to one of my thousands of interactions with Midgardians over the years, and I remembered one in particular that stood out. He was a legendary figure in the eyes of the Midgardians, held to one of the highest degrees. His words struck a chord with both Loki and I, as we had formed a friendship with him long ago, “a great man once said, “a life without love is no life at all,”” I quoted a man who had once been one of my dearest Midgardian friends. I remembered a time when he said those words to me at a time when I was afraid to let Loki see every piece of me. There were things that I hid from him, things I didn’t want Loki to see, and it caused a strain in our relationship. When I took my concerns to our mutual friend, he uttered those same words to me and opened the door for me to let my love in, to let him see all the good, bad, and ugly, to let him see that I wasn’t always strong.

“Da Vinci,” Howard realized the source of the quote.

“He was right,” I remarked with a nod, “I’ve had only fragments of my life that Loki wasn’t a part of, and I can tell you that those moments-no matter how great-pale in comparison to even the most inconsequential moment with him. I can’t live my life without him, without the love we share. You’ll know that feeling someday, Howard. You’ll know what it’s like to be willing to throw it all away if it meant you could have even a moment with your person. You’ll know what it’s like to feel truly and terrifyingly vulnerable with someone, what it’s like to be levelled by nothing more than a glance. You’ll know that type of love someday, and I hope you can appreciate it when it comes around, that you won’t chase it away because it will be more fulfilling than anything else.”

“You’re not like the others I’ve met,” he stated, a smile spreading across his face to hide the obvious bruising that my rejection left on his heart.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He snickered, “you’re the first girl to reject me.”

I smiled at his willingness to pull himself back together, to find a way to cope with the rejection in a way that didn’t involve him cutting me out of his life completely. Howard was strong, and I knew that about him from the stories and memories he didn’t tell me about, from the past I saw. His ability to move past that heartbreak only made me admire him even more than I already did, “there’s a first time for everything, right?” I asked before pulling him closer. I wrapped my arms around him as we continued to dance with another, and I rested my head on his shoulder. As we swayed back and forth, my eyes locked with Loki’s once more to see him mouth those three words to me. It was something he often did in any setting that included more than just the two of us, whether we were leaving for battle, or one of us was leaving without the other, or we were at a party Odin or Thor decided to throw, he would lock eyes with me and mouth those words that he whispered to me before we fell asleep together every night. As he smiled, I mouthed those same words right back to him.

I love you.

*Flashback End*

“Loki and I ended up staying until everyone went home, and he managed to get the band to play one more song...our song. After we left, we went to the cinema that night, and I tore my blue dress on the way out, which was something he never let me live down. It was one of the most remarkable nights of my life, and your father played a big part in that,” I finished my recollection of that night.

Tony’s eyes widened. He had been completely silent as I recalled the memory of that night to him, and I knew that he was bottling up each question as it came to him, “wait, hold on, so...you knew pre-serum Steve?!” he asked, stunned that it hadn’t come up before. He always questioned our closeness, especially when we fought together during the battle of New York; however, he chalked it up to the similarities in our moral code. Tony learned a lot about my past when I shared that memory, and, while I figured his greatest question would be about his father, I wasn’t too surprised that he was just as intrigued by my long-time relationship with Steve.

I nodded my head in response to his question, “I did. I looked after him and Sergeant Barnes throughout the war. I asked Heimdall to watch over them and update me whenever something changed, much like I have him do now. There were times when Heimdall would grant me his vision so that I could see them the way he did. There were times when I found my way back to Midgard and fought alongside them, obviously not letting them know it, or that would’ve been a bit awkward. I didn’t always fight in the wars here on Midgard, but when I did, there was always a reason for it. During that war, I fought for them, to protect them like I promised I would,” I explained, staring up at the ceiling above the bed. Tony’s deep brown eyes continued to study my face. I could feel the conflict within him, and I knew that he was debating on whether or not to ask me something, and how he would ask it if he decided to do so. I snickered, “just ask,” I urged him, not wanting him to dance around what he truly wanted to know.

“What happened to the soldier?” he asked, his voice low, almost as if he knew the answer to my question already, almost as if he knew it would be hard for me to answer.

The moment he mentioned the soldier-my soldier-my heart twisted in pain. It was a pain far greater than the pain in my abdomen, a pain I could feel throughout every inch of myself. I tried not to think of Bucky often. I tried to force his memory from my mind because the pain of losing him was unbearable. Our connection was so great that his death was one of the most painful losses I had ever experienced. I could still remember his fall. Heimdall told me that they were going in for a risky mission-him and Steve-and I stood at the edge of Asgard with him in his observatory. We stared out into the universe together, and he told me everything that was happening as it was happening. I wouldn’t go unless it was an absolute emergency. When he told me that Bucky was blown from the train but was still holding onto the side, I ordered him to send me to them. That was reason enough to go. It was an emergency at that point.

By the time I reached Midgard, though, it was too late. The train had gone, and I found Bucky in the snow. His body was broken, and he was so close to death. As I began transferring his wounds onto myself, he stopped me, telling me that it was his time, that it was time for him to go home. I would’ve taken his place if he let me, but he made the choice to let go. Instead of forcing him to live, I held him. I held him and whispered to him as his breathing slowed. He had enough strength to look at me and smile, telling me that he knew he would see me in the end. I wished it hadn’t been the end, though. For years, I was left wishing that the two of us had more time with each other, that I had taken him to Asgard with Steve and hid them in our cottage in the woods. That regret was only amplified when Steve made his sacrifice. Both of them deserved better, and both of them lost. Bucky’s death was the one that solidified my vendetta against Death. She stole him from me, and I would bring about a reckoning.

When I was pulled back to the present, tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I blinked them away quickly, not wanting Tony to see me in such a vulnerable state. Clearing my throat, I gazed back over at him, meeting those same brown eyes I looked into so many years prior. He had Howard’s eyes-so much pain, yet still so much innocence, “Steve never told you?” I asked, wondering how Tony didn’t know.

He shook his head, “Steve doesn’t talk about his old life...ever,” he answered, “and no one is brave enough to ask him about it. He’s a quiet, level-headed guy, but everyone has their breaking point. We all figured that his past is that breaking point for him. I don’t want to see that guy angry,” he confessed.

I snickered, “Bruce would have nothing on an angry Cap,” I joked before letting out a sigh, “if he hasn’t told you, I don’t think it’s my story to tell. All I will say is that he died with honor, a heroes death if there ever was one. Sergeant Barnes was a good man, a man worthy of so much more, a man who deserved nothing but peace and love. I only knew him for a short time, but I knew him. I...held him as it happened. When he-” my voice broke as the tears filled my eyes at the mere mention of that memory. I blinked the tears away, trying to ground myself once more, “when he died, a piece of me went with him, and ever since that day, I’ve lived with the guilt that came with my inability to save him.”

Tony shook his head, “he wasn’t yours to save-none of us are,” he reminded me, in a desperate attempt to get me to forgive myself or to allow myself to let it go.

“All of you are!” I snapped, my voice quiet enough to keep our presence a secret but harsh enough to cause Tony’s eyes to widen. He had no idea just how much they all meant to me, how each one of them were like a piece of my family. I had no one else, but I had these select few people that I let into my life, people I let see me without a facade or a wall. I let them in and accepted them as members of my dysfunctional little family. Even when I lost it all, I still had them. For him to question my undying love and loyalty to them made my heart sink, “you’re my responsibility. I made promises.”

“God, sometimes, you and your self-sacrificial attitude are a real pain in the ass,” he teased me, trying to lighten the mood. Sensing that I didn’t want to talk about the topic anymore, that it would be best to just steer away from the Bucky situation, Tony brought up Steve again, “did Steve remember you in New York?”

“Right away,” I chuckled, remembering his pure disbelief when I showed up. He had already been surprised by Loki’s continued, ageless existence, but when I showed up, he was more upset by it than anything, thinking that his mind was playing tricks on him. I smiled, recalling one of the good moments I had in a time when my life was falling apart, “we had a long conversation when I came to Midgard for Loki. He recognized Loki from before, too, and it was shocking for him to see faces from his past. It was just as shocking for me to see him, too. I didn’t know he was alive. The first moment we had alone together, I threw my arms around him and wouldn’t let go. A lot was happening during that time, and Steve was there for me in a way no one else could be. They never knew that we were Asgardians or that even such a place existed, so I had a lot to explain to him. Steve took it far better than your father did, though,” I laughed, recalling pieces of Howard’s reaction.

“He knew about you?!” Tony asked, his mouth agape.

I nodded my head, “absolutely! He started to question it when he was growing older, but I was staying young. He never blatantly asked me, but I knew he was curious. When I opened up to him and told him about Asgard, he didn’t have the same response Steve did. Steve had seen a lot already, and he knew that there needed to be something that made me stay the same 70 years down the line. With Howard, he was simply questioning my genetics. I think he wanted to replicate them somehow, and I didn’t blame him. He got old pretty fast,” I teased a man who was unable to tease back at this point. That was what our relationship was built on: quips, teasing, and a lot of banter. Remembering him for the man he was when we were together was all that kept me sane. If I remembered the day he died, it would tear me apart. I began to think of Howard as just having gone off to a foreign land where I hadn’t discovered yet, a place where we would see each other once again, a place where he was happy, basking in the sun and working as he always did. It was the easiest way for me to cope with his death-to think of him as if he wasn’t even dead in the first place.

Tony laughed at my witty remark about his father, sensing the playfulness of our relationship, “he never wrote about you being an Asgardian, but he wrote about you a lot. I think he really loved you, Eva.”

“And I loved him,” I murmured, my jaw clenching to somehow hold together the dam of emotions that was about to break. I thought of what could’ve driven Howard to write about me, and I wondered what words he used to describe our time together. I wondered if he would wrote about the time he let me drive his car, how I nearly crashed it, but he stayed calm the entire time. I wondered if he wrote about the time I surprised him on his birthday with Asgardian ale, or if he would even remember that night at all. I wondered if he wrote about the sapphire necklace he gifted to me. I wondered if he looked at our time together fondly, if he wished we had more of it. After pondering the likelihood that he viewed our time together as anything less than magical, I realized how ignorant I was. Howard and I had a true friendship, a beautiful friendship that worked both ways. Of course, there was always something more from Howard the more time we spent together, but he never wanted to interfere with my relationship with Loki. All he wanted was for me to be happy, but he confessed once that a small piece of him wished I had found that happiness in him.

I cleared my throat, “I came back all the time to visit Howard. I watched as his work consumed him, and I watched him strive to pour into the world the very best inventions and products he could. I watched him suffer and alienate people. I watched his fall from grace. He was a man I admired, one of my dearest friends, a man I considered my family. Your father was a good man with a heart of gold. He had his demons, his darkness, but he loved you in the best way he knew how. I did my best as the years went by to protect you from him. I did my best to protect him from himself. Slowly but surely, I watched as my best friend was swallowed by alcohol and work. His smile didn’t reach his eyes anymore, not even when he was with me. He was serious, cold, and calculating,” I explained, thinking of how I lost him even before he died. There were moments when his old personality would creep back up, times when he would turn on music from our early years spent together. He would pull me into his arms and dance with me in his workshop, humming the tune as we swayed back and forth with one another. That carefree, lively man came around less and less, but when he showed up, I felt like it breathed life back into me.

“When you were born, I remember how proud he was when he handed you to me,” I confessed, my eyes locking with Tony’s just in time to see the disbelief that played on his face. I knew how rocky their relationship was when he was growing up, the man Howard became around Tony. Tony missed out on seeing his father for the man he used to be. Tears immediately filled his eyes as I continued to speak, “he told me that you were the greatest gift he could give to the world and that you were the greatest gift life could give to him. I can remember holding you in my arms for the first time, and you looked up at me with so much innocence, a sparkle in those little brown eyes. I was so afraid I would break you, so afraid I would make a mistake and ruin something so precious, so beautiful. You wrapped your little hand around my finger, and from that moment, I vowed to protect you with my life, to die for you if that was the only way to keep you safe,” I stated, my voice quivering as he became more emotional.

At the mention of my love and devotion to him, Tony’s tears cascaded down his cheeks. I reached across the two of us and wiped them away as gently as possible before cupping his cheek with my hand, “I have loved you since before you were born. When Howard and Maria told me they were having a baby, I knew that I loved you already because you would be the product of two of the most amazing people I’ve ever known in my life. When you were still a little boy, Howard asked me to promise him that if anything were to happen to him or Maria, I would look out for you, and I did. I made that promise without second thought because from the very moment I held you when you were a baby, I knew that you were a gift to the world. I knew that you would bring about change, that you would give freely of yourself, that you would be the man your father was and also be the man he couldn’t be. I promised your father, my best friend, that I would love you, protect you, and guide you as if you were my own,” I murmured, stroking his cheek with the tips of my fingers, allowing him to access the memories I forced him to forget, much like I did with her.

His eyes widened, “I remember you. I remember you from when I was a boy. I thought they were just strange dreams, like I was...I don’t know, forcing myself to see someone who wasn’t there. I remember you!” he recalled, the memories of the two of us flashing across his eyes. For so long, I was the only one holding onto those memories, but it wasn’t Tony’s fault.

“I took those memories from you to protect you. I didn’t want our memories to drive you mad, so I stole them. All throughout your life, I’ve been watching, Tony. You’ve never been alone in this world, not even for a moment,” I said, continuing to wipe away his tears, “I was there at your parents funeral, sitting beside you and holding your hand. I was there for every birthday when you were growing up. I was there for every accomplishment, every tear, every disappointment, every joy. Then, there came a time when I knew I had to stand on the sidelines, but I was there through every trial and temptation, whether I was in the background or right next to you. You want to know why I’m here? Why I broke my vow to stay away? It’s because I made a different promise in a different time, and I intend to keep it.”

[mysticnfantastic]

I just scrolled all the way to the bottom to read all the posts the writing is so wonderful~! I was wondering if it was possible to request an imagine (for rfa+v/Saeran) where they learn mc struggles with pretty severe depression/anxiety and possibly (it’s okay if not!) some either current or past selfharm. Just like their reactions and how they’d respond! ☺️

Ahhh thank you dearest! It’s so lovely to hear that!Here is a masterlist of all-but-recent requests I answered!:  https://mysticnfantastic.tumblr.com/Masterlist I’m sorry if you yourself struggle with depression and self harm, I do, too, so I know what it feels like. I’m seriously mostly always available to vent to btw, so please do hmu if you feel you have nowhere else to vent to!

Jumin

Because Jumin is deeply observant, he wouldn’t take long to notice your condition.

The way you would talk so badly of yourself at practically any occasion, they way your leg bounced up and down wildly in anxiety…

It worried him.

At first, he was unsure what was actually wrong, because he had little real experience with actual mental health problems of others

However, Jumin would sure as hell try to research what was wrong. He worries immensely about those he loves and you are his most beloved so you bet your ass he’ll do heavy research into mental health and symptoms.

At first (whilst he does research) he likely won’t let you know he’s at least somewhat aware of your state, but he does subtly try to lessen your sorrows and your stress in the little ways he is able to do so.

Eventually, when he confronts you about your mental problems he’s gentle and loving, as much as he is able to be.

Jumin wants the best for you.

When you break down and admit your problems to him, he holds you in his arms tightly, and when you show him your self harm scars, he’s utterly horrified. He loves you so much, and doesn’t understand why you would harm yourself like this.

But he’s gentle, and tries to be understanding. He holds you close to his chest, stroking your hair lovingly.

He’d definitely get you some kind of professional help - like I probably stated in other asks - because he would never allow you to suffer without at least trying to get the best types of help available.

Day to day wise, Jumin would do things such as stroking your hair, legs, etc, to calm and soothe you, on low-energy days he would just..hold you and cuddle you. Expect a lot of subtle love assurances.

Surprisingly, he can be quite the romantic!

Yoosung

If there is one thing Yoosung understands, it’s anxiety and depression.

It’s something he notices rather quickly, though in this case you’re more likely to actually inform him of your condition than leave him to figure it out by himself.

He would be there for you, hear you out when you need to rant and vent. And on days where you lack the strength or feeling to talk or do much else than lay there, he’ll lay there beside you.

He knows that he alone will never be able to cure years of depression and anxiety and awful melancholy by himself for you, and that’s why he’ll try and recommend some professional help.

Nonetheless, you had helped him immensely during his bad days and episodes and he sure as hell is going to do the same for you.

Yoosung is immensely loving, and he will constantly remind you of how deeply he loves and cares, and he will do everything in his power to make sure you will feel better.

When he finds the fresh self harm scars, he’s horrified and tears will gather in his eyes, but he will try and hold them back, not wanting to upset you with his sorrow.

He’ll pull you close to him and his voice may well break as he repeats ‘I love you’s like a broken record.

Jaehee

In all truth, she doesn’t have too much experience dealing with other people’s problems.

It may well take her a while, but she’d notice.

Though, you’d likely be the one to tell her about it she has to find it out.

As soon as you inform her, she’ll begin to notice it more. It saddens her immensely.

She’s rather awkward about it for a while, but she does understand anxiety to some degree, and tries to make your life as de-stressful as possible and make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Mom Mode(™)

Makes sure you’re healthy physically, even if you’re not well mentally - supportive as hell during any depressive episodes; makes sure you’re eating, drinking + resting properly.

Will try and  get you some professional help too.

Makes sure you take any and all needed medication too.

Holds you close to her in a soothing manner whenever you have panic attacks.

If she finds self-harm cuts she’ll quickly help you clean them up and wrap them in bandages, pleading for you to try alternatives from cutting.

Zen

He’s had some experience dealing with things like this, and he’ll likely realise something is wrong before you end up telling him.

Though he’ll probably approach you about it first, and that’ll be when you break down, admitting your problems and apologising for being such a handful.

He pulls you close, holding you protectively in his arms, whispering soothing words to you, assuring you of his true love for you.

He’d try his damn hardest to get you some necessary help.

Teaches you some calming techniques he uses before acting for you to do when you get any panic attacks.

Supportive like hell. If he finds self-harm scars, he’ll kiss every single one, and beg you to try and not do it again - for his sake if not your own.

He will also try and assure you about how wonderful and loved you truly are, not just by him, but by everyone else, as well.

Saeyoung/Seven

He knows full well what depression feels like, and the fact you are a victim to it too upsets him greatly, even if he doesn’t tend to show his worry as much as he would like to do.

He would be very quick to notice, but wouldn’t confront you about it until he felt the absolute need to, or unless you end up telling him about it yourself. This is because he knows how sometimes one just wants to be alone.

Though, he also knows that being alone is dangerous, because when one is left to their own devices it is immensely easy to fall down the rabbit hole that is overthinking, so he would try and keep them company if he noticed they were beginning to act up.

Eventually, he’d talk to you about it if you begin to get really bad, and would implore for you to get help.

He’d be there to soothe and calm you, and make stupid jokes to try and improve your mood. You are his everything and he hates that you feel so depressed like he does. It’s slow, but you both begin to heal together, supporting the other.

V/Jihyun

If anyone understands what you are going through, it’s V.

He is observant, much alike Jumin and Saeyoung, so he will likely realise you’re not fully okay a short time into your relationship. He knows you and your mannerisms, so it’d be easy for him to notice when something is wrong.

He is the type to sit you down and plead for you to talk to him, the things Rika put him through is still raw in his mind and he’s afraid of sitting around letting you fall like he did with her - he loves you too much to allow that to happen to you.

He’ll try and get you to get the help you need, because he’s trying to do the same.

When you’re anxious, Jihyun is going to hold you and softly stroke your hair and play with your hair to calm you - he’s very good at styling hair.

V would probably sing you lullabies, just so he can soothe you.

Honestly Jihyun would draw pictures with his fingers on your skin when you’re upset, or even when laying in bed on a low-energy day.

Saeran

He gets it, but it’s frustrating for him to know you feel this way, because you are so wonderful and he loves you more than  he could convey and the fact you feel like this absolutely wounds him.

He isn’t the best at portraying his emotions.

However, he is observant.

And as such, he’d just...realise it, pretty early on.

He truly hates that you don’t love yourself like he loves you. Because fuck, does this boy have so much love for you.

He knows he isn’t the best at comforting those he cares about. But he tries.

As such, Saeran isn’t quite sure what to do when you’re feeling down, but he’s going to do his best to make you feel better.

Anxiety attack? He’ll pull you to him (perhaps a bit too harshly than he meant to) and just keep you tightly in his embrace, probably whispering words of his love, and how strong you are.

Caught self-harming? He may get a bit...aggressive, it’s an automatic response because he actually hates to see you hurting yourself. He’s ‘a bit’ of a sadist, but he’s also immensely loving and caring and to see you hurt like that breaks him inside. He’d likely handle it somewhat badly, yelling at you to stop, and then crying as he throws your razor into the toilet, trying to calm both you and himself as he takes care of your wounds.

Saeyoung is 110% going to get you both group therapy though because realistically you both need it like hell.

- Mod Ama 

[dreamtofbluebirds-a]

Some headcanons for my favorite verse, Post-VR.

Shuichi has one prevailing fault seen both in canon and in this divergent take--he internalizes his trauma. It’s less about not wanting to stand out even if he may claim that, and more about being used to being alone. Every verse including twin verses, he’s accustomed to being on his own and having few others to emotionally depend on, making him indecisive and dependent on the few friendships he has and very unlikely to openly express what he needs. He has a lot of anxiety.

People support themselves, right? It’s normal to feel so alone, right? So thus this feeling must be a weakness.

Kaede as a ship would also be almost impossible given his psychological dependence on her; she was placed on an idolized pedestal during the game and while he makes significant growth in seeing her as a person, it tarnishes his ability to actually love her. They’re very different people and once his image of her is broken into reality, he never can see her the same way he did before their tragedy.

People often use her as a means to hurt him, too. Long after recovery, any stranger with the right words can send him into a panic attack that brings it all back.

Dissociative tendencies continue after the game, intensified in some circumstances. He will continue what he’s doing in a daze and tends not to remember much about it later, acting on impulse--while this isn’t full disassociation, he presents the capability of falling to being unable to grasp his emotions for a little while if it comes to it. That remains rare, though, and he’ll always hear Clair de Lune during it.

He tries hard to push himself through the fallout of a post-Dangan world, leading an example to the others... at a cost. It weighs heavily on his sanity to force a smile like this, and he’s bound to overexert himself a few times before learning when to actually take care of himself at home or express himself properly.

He’s much more morally grey than he is in other verses, excluding Remnant. This differs significantly with how some may portray him, given he seems resolute and strong at the end--but the reality of it is he’s thinking beyond ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ now. Beyond ‘hope’ and ‘despair’. It’s fragile and things can influence it, yes, but fundamentally he’s learned that not all rules are good. Not everyone will do the right thing. And sometimes, the ‘right’ thing is the worst thing you can do.

He faces the world with a more open mind, but it’s at a cost to himself. He fully believes himself to be a murderer for the trials, even if he did save everyone else from dying each time. In the end, if Kirumi--a utilitarian--can be called a murderer... then he is, too, for the same reason.

Virtual or not, the trauma everyone faced was real. The wheelchair Kokichi was in was real. Kaede’s disdain of things touching her neck is real. He quietly accepts these things as part of his own doing, just as he would if he’d simply not saw each case through--in the end, there is no right answer.

He’s highly emotionally dependent in this verse because of all this. He’ll hold it in until it breaks him, but he can’t lie and say he doesn’t need his friends in order to face each day anew.

He frequently has nightmares. It’s typical for him to sleep fewer hours due to this unless someone lends some time to let him sleep next to them. He may lie about his dreams upon waking, but this doesn’t quite work when he’s freshly awoken and finds himself a stuttering, sobbing mess--he can’t hide the raw emotions. Body warmth helps, because he knows he isn’t alone... unless it’s a dream of Kaede being ripped from him.

He acts as the main advocate for the group in terms of PR and getting Team Dangan sued. This creates incredible mental strain, but in the end, everyone ends up with a fair share of money to use for rebuilding their lives...

...Money he often avoids using his share of, unless it’s for others. It’s not really his, is it?

[liberationinliterature-blog]

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, the first novel to the popular Peculiar Children series and now turned into a film, was written by author Ransom Riggs and published on June 7, 2011. It claimed the top spot on the New York Time’s Best Sellers List for children’s chapter books on April 29, 2012 after forty-five weeks on the list, and staying there for 25 weeks more.

The novel tells of the story of Jacob Portman, an ordinary boy who soon discovers he was not-so-ordinary all along, after the mysterious death of his grandfather Abraham sparks a catalyst of change in him and the unearthing of deep secrets. His grandfather tells him stories of his early years, how he fought in World War 2, and most especially, his peculiar friends and headmistress Miss Alma LeFay Peregrine from his childhood home in Cairnholm, Wales.

Aside from the usual calling-out of problematic realities that were once treated as social norms and traditions such as discrimination, exploitation, and persecution portrayed in a sinisterly creative way with the Peculiar’s plight against Caul Peregrine and his wights, treacherous Peculiars and the ordinary folk, the story includes an issue even its own contemporaries at this day and age still struggle to talk about openly: mental health and illness.

Witnessing his grandfather’s cold-blooded death and holding his twisted, dying body in his arms, his blood seeping onto him is traumatic enough. Seeing the hideous monster (they’re called Hollowgasts) of his most deep-seated fears stare right at him in the middle of a dark woods as he held his grandfather’s mangled corpse is another thing entirely. A loved one dying a gruesome death and a close encounter with a dangerous monster, all rolled into one mess of a traumatic event. He develops acute stress disorder because of this, which later leads on to ASD’s more famous cousin: post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD for short. It’s those symptoms of frequent flashbacks of the event, panic attacks, nightmares that leave him bolting up in his bed and screaming, disturbed sleep patterns, difficulty doing basic tasks (going to school, talking to people) and a surly, unfocused attitude that present themselves as the aftermath of his traumatic experience. For those of us who’ve suffered from PTSD, ASD or any other trauma-induced mental illness, we all know it can’t get any truer than that.

You know what else is also true? How no one really took him seriously.

His parents made jokes about his condition and his experience. His only friend didn’t believe him, and even said he should stop thinking about all of it or else he might actually come down with a mental illness “Keep talking about monsters and they’re gonna put you away. Then you really will be Special Ed.”

You don’t even need to go through what Jacob went through to know that kind of attitude sounds awfully familiar.

Despite the gravity of it all and the possible misinterpretation by potential readers of the book, Ransom Riggs does not shy away from exposing the ugly truths about mental illnesses and trauma, and how devastating they already are on their own without the toxic attitude so many people still have towards them. It’s liberating, in a way, because it gives us more than a story of rebellion against the exploitation and persecution of minorities, which has been present in literature for the past decades, if not centuries (Les Miserables rings with this theme, and it’s a classic). It dives into the recent, nebulous and highly controversial topic of mental illness, and fishes out for us a piece of literature that readers with mental health issues have always longed to read and relate to, but never really knew until now. Although not the main theme of the Peculiar Children series, it brings to the table a glimpse of life with a mental condition, specifically one that was caused by trauma, in its raw and true form (save for some obvious elements of fantasy, like the Hollowgasts and Peculiardom).

And for many of us who were/are bent (not broken, we with mental complications should never be seen as broken because we aren’t, we were never broken because of this), this is another leap to the ever-nearing goal of holding in our grasps the freedom from mental health stigma.

[refractedreads-blog]

WHAT IF IT’S US by Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera

“He laces our fingers and shrugs. And I’m dead. I am actually dead.”

As an Albertalli and Silvera fan, I had high hopes for this book. Like, extremely high. I wanted to love this book to the ends of the earth and back. Both Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera have a talent for depicting characters falling in love so nicely. It’s not always pleasant, sometimes it even hurts a little bit, the loneliness of liking someone and not being able to say it, the fear of being close, of rejection. All these authors’ books leave me with this warm fuzzy feeling that makes me dislike the world a little less. That make it just a tad easier to face. 

And reader, I was not disappointed. Not one bit. What If It’s Us is everything I hoped it would be: achingly cute, sniggering-into-the-pages funny, and refreshingly realistic love story between two boys, one recovering from a breakup, the other excited to fall in love for the very first time.

Anyone who’s read anything by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera will know they couldn’t be more different stylistically. Silvera is a master at turning a narrative on its head. You think you know what’s going on, then he rips the carpet from under your feet and you understand the story in a whole new light, new meanings shining through. The effect is unsettling at times, but incredibly powerful. Silvera’s approach is raw, honest, and often downright depressing. But his books sit with you--rage with you--through the storm.

It’s difficult to say what’s different about Becky Albertalli’s books. To me, they feel like a warm hug from someone who you know would never judge you. All that southern hospitality with queer anxious teens centre stage, like Arthur, the narrator of What If It’s Us.

Arthur is away from his home state Georgia for the summer, interning at his mother’s law office in New York City when he meets Ben, the boy in the post office mailing stuff to his ex-boyfriend. Arthur takes the risks most of us are either too afraid or too jaded to entertain. And Ben. Oh Ben. I don’t know what to say except I relate to this character so much. Ben who struggles with feeling like he’s not smart enough, who flunked school and has to fight his way back in, who hasn’t listened to Hamilton (I know, I know, I’m on it!)

The side characters are gorgeous, from Ben’s best friend Dylan who falls in love on impulse and whose panic attacks helped me understand my own a little better, to Arthur’s office pals, the dry-humoured, Namrata and Juliet. New York City is a character in itself, and it was a delight to see the city through Arthur’s wide eyes, eager to see everything, afraid if he blinks he’ll miss something amazing. And then through Ben’s, who has lived in the city his whole life, for whom the city is a map of memories.

Both Albertalli and Silvera write about mental illness often. I love books that make me want to taste life for myself; that cut through the anxiety and everything else and make me feel strong enough to charge into the battles big and small. This book did that for me. Arthur and Ben are so kind with each other, and it’s catching. It’s important for readers to see characters talk through their issues with compassion and honesty; to see teenagers portrayed in fiction who learn to respect themselves and the boundaries they need to feel safe and loved. The lives of these teenagers are tangled and chaotic. There are missed connections, missed communications, and a thousand what ifs. It’s about holding hope, knowing that it’s precious, but it’s also about knowing when to let it go.

[for-f0rever]

okay so like i did with my post when i saw Noah, i’ll do a recap of Mike’s last show! i’ve been fortunate enough to see this show three times and to see Mike as Connor all three times, but i think this time was my favorite :) (MLB was my first Evan, then Noah, then Taylor)

if you were at the show and i forgot anything feel free to add to this! i write these on the train home and sometimes i just...forget things haha. also you can always send asks if you want to know more about something or you just want to ask something :)

anyway like with the last one i’ll put it under a read more so you don’t have to scroll forever because i tend to like... ramble when i write things haha

Act 1

so obviously when you look at the board picture i posted, Asa was on for Larry. I had never seen him before, but he was amazing. i really liked his interpretation of Larry, he was more relaxed and rarely raised his voice, which was a little bit of a change, but one that kind of made everything super interesting

Taylor is also amazing. he plays a little bit more of a confident Evan, but he rubs his face a lot and wipes his hands on his jeans, so you can definitely still tell he’s super anxious. i really liked the way he approached Evan

Mike seemed so relaxed throughout the show. He was smiling and laughing through the funny parts and i kind of felt like he was trying to take it all in. he was definitely embarrassed by all the attention though haha. 

when they come out in Anybody Have A Map Jennifer had to wait until the cheers died down for him (which were so loud) and he looked back at her and smiled but i’m pretty sure he just wanted her to start because the cheers were so loud and for a good few seconds

usually during Anybody Have A Map when Cynthia says that he’s not high Connor just looks up in Zoe’s direction/not really staring at anything, but in this show he turned back and looked at Jennifer and smiled

Phoenix was adorable and the way she portrayed Alana was amazing. you can tell she just wants to fit in and the way she’s so confident but so eager to do something is portrayed so perfectly by her. her voice is also insanely good

Jennifer generally gets super emotional through the show (obviously), but she seemed even more emotional at this show than the other times i saw it. there were times where she was inconsolable and it was so heartbreaking (she always breaks my heart, but i felt like it was so much more painful today)

When Connor grabs Evan’s arm Evan like yelps out quietly in pain, and normally Connor just like apologizes quietly and then writes but this time he sort of paused for a few seconds and then wrote his name

Mike didn’t finish his little “that’s the saddest fucking thing i’ve ever heard oh my god” after he asks how Evan broke his arm. He ended up laughing quietly before he got through “oh my god”

when the Murphy’s tell Evan that Connor took his own life, Larry sort of turned to Cynthia when they realized Evan didn’t know and Cynthia just looked SO upset and immediately started crying and shaking her head. she sounded so broken when Evan tried to tell her the truth

For Forever was so painful. The Murphy’s all just looked so sad and Evan just wants to make it better and you can see. Cynthia was just sobbing at the table listening to him tell this story

Sincerely, Me was SO carefree. Will was so funny during it and Taylor was so stressed. Will and Taylor feed so well off each other honestly. during “my sister’s hot” Mike smirks and Taylor sounds horrified that Jared would even write that.  Taylor hugged Mike during “our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond” and then like runs away from him during “but not because we’re gay”. the two of them were laughing the whole song and during the final chorus when they’re all dancing all three of them were smiling and laughing with each other and it was so cute

Laura cried through almost all of Requiem, which i’m pretty sure didn’t used to happen. she still sounded upset during the next scene right before If I Could Tell Her. Requiem is a heartbreaking song in general, but god it really was painful at this show

Taylor’s mannerisms in If I Could Tell Her were adorable. He was so nervous and he would like nervously pace and he touched Connor’s comics at one point

Mike in Disappear was more carefree than i could ever remember happening before? when Evan says he doesn’t know who to talk to Connor just said “you can talk to me” but Mike didn’t make his voice high pitched or anything he just sounded genuine about it. Disappear was so cute and they seemed like they were having such a good time. Taylor had turned to look at him when he was singing at one point and just smiled at him

Cynthia telling Evan that Connor hadn’t been invited to any bar mitzvahs was so sad she could barely get it out when she said it

Taylor’s panic attack just before You Will Be Found was INCREDIBLY believable. when he fell over he just sort of laid there stunned and then looked like he was going to throw up for a minute before he picked himself up finally. I could see his hands shaking and I was pretty far away

during You Will Be Found Mike’s baby pictures pop up on the screen (i’ve reblogged a boot part of that before if you’ve never seen it! i could find it again because it’s one of my favorite moments) and they were so painful to look at at this show. Larry collapses when he’s looking up at him, and Asa seemed so distraught. his interpretation of Larry was so incredible, and when he grabbed Cynthia right after the baby pictures stop flashing on the screen you could tell how upset he was that his son is gone.

Laura’s “you’ve given me my brother back” at the end of YWBF was heartbreaking. she was crying and ugh it was awful

Act 2

During Sincerely, Me Reprise Will’s laugh made Mike laugh it was so funny. and Mike’s expressions when Evan says they can’t just make things up about this was priceless. i really can’t remember him being this animated before

During To Break In A Glove in the bridge right before Larry says “you’re just trying to do your best for a kid who’s lost control” Asa leaned his hand on the work bench and tried not to get emotional

It probably has a lot to do with Taylor and Laura being close, but right before Only Us when Evan is panicking that they’re going to break up was hilarious. He reached out to hold her wrists and was like “thank you” and she laughed and was like “don’t mention it” and they both laughed

Zoe does a TON of nervous fidgeting. it’s such a little detail that i don’t know if i’ve ever noticed before, but it’s so important and i love it

I’ve written this before i think, but the tenseness in the scene where the Murphy’s offer Evan Connor’s college fund is so awkward and tense and you can tell how embarrassed Heidi is that Evan had even said anything about this to anyone

RBJ and Taylor’s fights are SO much more escalated than MLB and Noah’s were. Taylor’s almost a more confident Evan while still being anxious at the same time, and they’re screaming at each other and you can tell Evan is getting worked up but he’s so upset at the same time and it’s so intense

Jared looked and sounded so hurt when Evan said that they’re friends because Jared doesn’t have anyone else to be friends with during Good For You

During the “did you fall” scene, Mike definitely started getting emotional way earlier than he normally does. his “you can get rid of me whenever you want” was so heartbreaking and emotional and you could see how upset he was in this scene

Phoenix’s interpretation of Alana is SO good. I really liked the way she approached her and when Evan stops helping her with The Connor Project she is SO pissed. it was such a raw and real reaction that i loved

The lead-up to Evan admitting the lie was so intense, it just kept building and Cynthia just kept getting more upset and then he reveals the lie and everyone is so emotional. Zoe’s “how could you do this?” was so quiet but you could tell how hurt she was

usually when Connor comes on stage he just stays on for a second or two during Words Fail (right before “this was just a sad invention”) but today he lingered a little longer, walked a little further on the stage, shook his head and then turned and walked off and you could tell he was upset/crying. it brought so much more emotion to that part

right before So Big/So Small Evan was much more emotional. Taylor was crying, and Rachel was emotional, and it just made the whole scene so raw? that scene is heartbreaking crying or not, but this made it even sadder if possible.

RBJ’s vocals are INSANE. i know i’ve said that before and i think everyone knows this, but god. she is so heartbreaking in So Big/So Small, and she grabs Evan and holds him so tight, rubs his back and rocks him

Zoe and Evan at the orchard is so sad, but it’s the kind of closure you need at the same time. there’s little moments where you wonder what they could’ve been, but overall it’s just a lot of healing. Zoe says “it’s been hard... it’s been a hard year” with a sad smile to him and you can see how she’s still hurting

during the finale they all walk on stage and when Jennifer turned to walk back to her final spot she glanced at Mike and they smiled at each other

There’s a video of the bows but since they cut off the side of the stage i’ll just explain them too! the cheers were so loud for Mike when he came back on and immediately you could tell he hated the attention haha. when Mike and Phoenix walked over to the side Phoenix said something and they both laughed and then Mike pulled Phoenix in for a hug. Asa came over and hugged them both and he rubbed Mike’s back. then Laura came over and grabbed Mike in the tightest hug and she was crying so, so much

when they finished bows Mike tried to sneak away but Phoenix grabbed him and pulled him back and he was laughing and shaking his head like he literally hated that they made him have the attention on him omg. Jennifer brought him his flowers and she was crying but she said something to him and kissed his cheek and hugged him so tight. Mike blew kisses to the whole cast and waved to the orchestra, and then turned back and did one more quick bow before he BOLTED off stage i’m dying he literally hated the attention on him

so in summary, while it may have been SLIGHTLY irresponsible to spend money and see the show again, i’m so glad i did it. i don’t think it’s a secret that Mike is one of my favorite actors, and to see him in his final show is something i’ll never forget. he is so humble and adorable and talented and i can’t wait to see what he does next :)