#the thing on the right is a joke dont kill me
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he wants to be an imac icon so bad bruh
#ilove the cragnon designs GRAAA (unsurprising)#i love drawing characters nobody cares about#paper mario#super paper mario#flint cragley#doodle#the thing on the right is a joke dont kill me
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staff still hasn't given me polls, what should i do?
🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪 their moms 69%
🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪🟪 their dads 31%
grace image os i get to look at her
#edit: edited the og post to what i want but to set the record straight i edited to the post to be mathematically correct right after the#first person pointed it out which was like ten mins after i posted the og post. now fuck offf !!!!! the rest of the tags r from the og post#for some reason i feel very immature making your mom jokes about tumblr staff. which i shldnt !!#bc they suck nd they still havent given me polls. but i ig i feel imature bc it a your mom joke 😭 but still i tihnk its kinda funny#EDIT: edited the post to what i want bc yall were getting annoying . but to set the record straight i edited to post to be mathematically#also its *mum* not mom okay i am NOT !! an american . but if i say mum everyone will j be like 'omg british' like i dont know i am#anyway. i want polls please. give me the rigght to force my mutuals chose between the most inane things#also i tihnk it wld b cool for the cs weekly blog. like w each episode#i cld do a poll of like. out of five stars what do u think of this ep#and it wld b a cool thing of which eps r ppls faves#also i cld have like. whose ur fave in team red whos ur fave in acme etc#id prob just have to go with vile faculty bc theres more than 10 ppl in vile. and ppl wld kill me if i didnt include nel the ell or whoever#it wld b fun !!!#oh btw csweekly thats i thing i want to start. prob on uhhh the 11th of feb ill post abt it more but its basically#a tag/blog for watching cs one ep a time watching one ep every saturday#ya !! :3#flappy rambles#inaccessible#ask to tag#(<- idk. just in case)
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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redrew a few old expressions from february!!! one never notices how much their art style changes in some months till you compare side by side www
(the old ones for comparison ↓)
#re:kinder#yuuichi mizuoka#fanart#you had no idea how bad my hand was itching to draw him i was so gon die there (joke)#more so because i replayed the game these days and wanted to check my old expression sheets from february i made based on some lines ...#usual commentary time☺️☺️☺️#top left may be obviously different and thats because i didnt actually base it off the old one in that case. i based it off his sprite#but the old one is based on that same sprite; just with context of line so...#no idea what went on these months that the way i drew his ahoge went from simple strands to little circular things JEKSNDL#im not sure how to explain it but point is i . i dont know what happened there but now my brain doesnt let me draw it any other way#top right had his line of sight changed for a very goofy detail i completely overlooked in the old one ... he is the baby of the group😭#it's very unlikely anyone's shorter than him and since everyone goes from being 1 to 4 years older than him. hes gonna end up looking up😭😭#it would be one thing if the cast was older because puberty and height and stuff but it aint the case here cuz. he's like. 7??😭#so i found it funny he was looking down in the old one then i fixed his line of sight to he looking upwards . which looks goofier on him#really adds to it. the person who killed your whoel family needs to look up to look at you in the eye😭 cuz its a little baby😭😭#the fun thing in comparing the old and new is how my approach in drawing him just. changes completely#back then i did the chibi like approach when drawing him thats it. that was the mindset#now it's “he needs to look more like a bug MAKE HIS EYES TAKE MORE SPACE IN HIS FACE he neeeddds to look like a bug ...”#worked i need to put him in a blender /JOKE JOKE JOKE LIGHTHEARTED JOKE😭😭
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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Woke up today and just knew it was gonna be a bad day. Not even 3 minutes after leaving my house I got pulled over by a cop and then my car tried to break down on me
#that bastard tried to convince me I ran a stop sign. the thing abt me is I don't run stop signs. I love stopping.#I love pissing people behind me off. I love looking both ways twice to be safe.#and the stop sign he said I ran is literally in front of a daycare. I was like sir you must be fucking joking.#I LIVE here. I know that these kids like to ride their bikes and skateboards up and down this street and they do not look out for cars#I would never be so reckless and potentially kill one of those babies. so you need to come up with a better reason to ticket me#he ended up giving me a warning and not a ticket. which is literally a first for me#but whatever. ended up being late to work cuz after that my car started acting up and I wasnt sure I could make it to work safely like that#I just hate being right. why can't I think I'm gonna have a bad day and then it turns out really good#like someone gives me $30000#honestly that's all I need for a day to be good. maybe a nap too but I dont wanna be greedy
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I look at discord servers sometimes
And be like "man those sound like fun"
But alas. I have come to realize most discord servers can't house me.
Not that they are bad or anything
But because I'm like an Actual Rose and if the environment isn't perfect I hit the bricks because I take video game character levels of Damage.
#{ pinky screeches; occ }#((Me: * just chilling in a server. all is right with the world.* ))#random person: *Swears*#Me: OUGH#another person: *Talking about demons/showing demon related ocs*#Me: aCk-#other people: *Making inappropriate jokes/play Killing people*#Me- Who used yo sturggle with THOSE thoughts. iykyk: AAAAAAAAAA#(( its hard man because i want people to enjoy things and they shouldn't have to stop liking it cause im uncomfortable. ))#(( but man. ))#(( It is like nearly impossible to find friends/people/spaces who are 'Pinky Friendly' in discord servers. ))#am i being sensitive?#no.#because here is the only place i can be that way.#where boundaries exist and are encouraged and enforced.#justtt saying#dont be surprised if i dissappear from an relationship because these are USUALLY the main reasons#( sorry buddy ive been mishandled in the past irl & Online so uhhh Trust issues ✌🏾)
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so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.
#she said this RIGHT after talking about how bad yt misinfo is... which she followed up w SO I WAS WATCHING A YT DOC ABOUT WW2 & LEARNED THIS#youtube 'historians' are literally the most fascist breed of youtuber. avoid the vast majority like the plague lmao#i asked if the video was sourcing the hollow dahmer & the black book of communism & she didnt seem to know what those are lol#to her credit i told her straight up that she was incorrect & she at least faked being curious about doing more research but i am doubting#she also 'learned' that lenin killed trotsky lol get your propaganda right lenin was dead by then STALIN icepicked him <3#anyway im making jokes bc the worst part was a different conversation where she spoke positively of israel#THAT'S gonna be the one to ruin our friendship. fuck you & your war tourist friend who fought in the 1960s landgrabs that youre now#telling me as if this is a cute story. nahhhh lmao i looked her straight in the eye & said i will NOT debate this#so she dropped it like the true enlightened centrist most socdem cowards are and i kept cleaning her house quietly#turns out You & Me We're the Only Ones Around Here Who Aren't Complete Fools was premature *kicks the poorly rendered gravel sadly*#shes otherwise a nice lady & i know i need to be more flexible in order to hopefully change ppls minds...#but also when people say awful & untrue things it makes me not want to talk to you 🤷♂️ srry 2 b a freak like that#also i know shes not transphobic but i havent sniffed her out well enough to know if shes safe to come out to#so its hours of misgendering (which isnt her fault she doesnt know) bc shes obsessed with neoliberal feminism and inappropriately brings#gender into conversations that it does not belong in#'did you know all the countries that handled covid best were ran by women?' 1) untrue 2) dont care finland still sucks#she also tried to tell me that european rich people learned to be nicer after the french rev & thats why europe is better than america...#girl shut up we learned how to be so good at racism and capitalism BECAUSE of europe. there is no such thing as a good rich person!!!#i pick my battles (genocide & anticommunist genocide revisionism) so i let her cook w that one & was not left convinced as you can imagine#ANYWAY rant about today's weird day done. gonna smoke weed & rim some skies 🥵 while listening to the Khrushchev Lied audiobook i found 😘
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How come when I do research on anxiety and paranoia everything just talks about being afraid of how strangers and society in general perceive you and judge you behind your back? Like yeah thats a major part of it, but wheres all the information about being terrified of dying every single second you're in a car or that the ceiling will suddenly for no reason at all just collapse on you killing you instantly or that The Killer is standing in the hall while you're on your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night???
#im having a 'scared of everything right now' moment and i refuse to believe im the only person in the world like this#how does this not qualify as anxiety and/or paranoia??? is this something else???#i tried to look into paranoid schizophrenia once but i just got info about schizophrenia in general#i couldnt find anything specifically about the paranoid version#does this count as some form of ocd perhaps??? see the problem here is that i dont know enough about these things#and idk what my specific problems are classified as cuz no one talks about that part#its all just 'everyone is judging me and they think i suck' or 'imaginary people are stalking me'#which actually. maybe The Killer in the hall counts as that? see idk AND THATS THE PROBLEM!!!!#see fuck people. idc about people. but about the improbable but never impossible chance a gorilla will come up behind me and kill me???#and see im wording it funny but thats just how i talk. its for real not a joke. im terrified of these things#the improbable but not impossible thing is just how i live but i act like everything is 99% probable#personal
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🪼. .
#ignore ignore im just talking dont worry about me scroll away#but for me#i think worse than feeling ugly is feeling genuinely stupid#i mean feeling ugly is also not feeling very nice right now of course#but still#i feel like i have to try like 40% harder than other people just to understand certain things#i shouldnt have to retake several classes more than once it's wasteful and foolish and proves i am not meant to be here#im glad i realized now at least i shouldnt go to medical school it would kill me#it's not even just school conversations with people are lost on me so often i feel like i cant keep up with people#and i joke about it with friends and family that i'm a little slow and can't manage a lot of adult responsibilities#but this is really what i think makes me feel unlovable and useless#i feel like i have to constantly fake being smarter than i am#and its silly but i think about how im so attracted to men and characters that are super smart and sharp and i feed into my silly fantasies#and then realize they wouldnt ever give me another glance after more than an hour of conversation#i try really hard but it always seems to fall short idk#gosh my period is always just pulling up my deepest and most painful insecurities before she makes her appearance huh ghjfhkl😭#lord i need to go to sleep i bet when i wake up ill have forgotten ever typing this and feel completely fine 💗
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CHRIST. Worst way to wake up but I'm glad you escaped your mom's notice 💀💀💀Prior to getting caught up in sending you Bullshit, I wanted to say Yeah Uh. Arakawa's backstory as a whole has got HANDS even for people who've never been there but. At one point my dad and I were supposed to go see a movie as my Peking Duck Moment but my mom flew off the handle at something or another, which escalated into threatening my dad and I with a bladed weapon. So I completely get what you mean with it being hard to sit through. The mocap goes so hard in that scene too... which isn't to say anything (more) on the Horrors Of The Cycle like EXACTLY
But yeah, if nothing else, I'm thankful we've both had people to turn to and that we can have that understanding. It's definitely been less isolating getting to talk to people with similar experiences over the years And While I'm Too Awkward To Do Anything With That... I do feel understood...
Also. It Sure Is Annoying As Hell. To Be Part Of A Wiki. I've been trying to fix this all day like bro what are you on about 😭genuinely 😭 why is the timeline completely fabricated to the point of sounding like it's written by AI😭😭😭
NOOO I WOULDVE ACTUALLY THROWN HANDS THAT SHITS THE WORST i'm so sorry you had to go through that, esp RIGHT before a nice evening (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) its hard tryin to move on from Events Like That and just in general having a bad mom, but yeah im glad we at least have people to talk to or places to vent bout it, so it's not TOTALLY a suffocatin experience to have. its manageable, at least (❁´◡`❁)
the wiki sure don't sound manageable dawg what IS THIS timeline. it'd be one thing if it was just the date wrong but getting the whole order of events backwards is catastrophic ☠️☠️
#snap chats#i fell asleep again oops sorry for the delay（；´д｀）#god no but real... that sucks so much. like i dont think i need to go on a rant bout how much it sucks#its a terrible feeling and during moments like that you just gonna get violent right. like you SHOULDNT but the urge is there...#in any case. to lighten things up before i go on a tangent. i AM gonna get violent at who's editing this portion of the wiki fjLVKJLAEK#I MEAN THAT DOES REMIND ME ABOUT HOW I DID ONCE ASK/JOKE ABOUT LIKE#'lmao what if the murder happened before ichi got back to the office thered be two murderst that night' BUT#BUT MATE DONT PEN THAT AS WHAT HAPPENED#WHOS IN THERE RN GETTIN THIS OUT OF ORDER kill them !!!!#i need. food. my head hurts and people getting events wrong is not helping#like i aint nooo perfect bitch either We Been Knew but i at least know the order of events of the beginning of the game right 😭😭
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i have a lot of respect for the Fun Waiter i know how much it sucks working in food service but i think some of them need a more one size fits all approach to their spiels. For example the other day this guy kept teasing me for not ordering a drink and kept offering me shots and made a huge deal out of me not finishing my food and like. im a grown adult so i didnt care that much but as a recovering alcoholic and eating disorder sufferer it wasnt very fun for me it just pissed me off a little and he just kept going. Do i seem like im having fun too mike
#like god i would kill for shots right now. i would kill for a cocktail. im not being joyless i have a disease and youre making it worse#also i really dont care im mostly joking idgaf what they say but i was annoyed lmao..#also the 'you didnt finish your plate' thing is such a pet peeve of mine. Maybe it was bad maybe i didnt like the food leave me alone. Paid
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i stg the next time i get made fun of for having a southern accent im gonna kill a bitch
#eli.txt#this one fucking kid in my class wont stop making jokes abt gaúchos (southerners) and everytime i speak she makes fun of me like girl 😐#stfu i'll kill you. i'll fucking kill you#STOP making gaúcho jokes just bc when you lived in the south some people were being mean to you it doesnt mean youre allowed to do this#youre mocking the entire population of the brazilian south bc some kids in porto alegre were mean to you. girl i'll kill you.#i tried talking to this girl btw! she did not care! i hate you stop talking about my people like this you dont have the fucking right!#idk if this is as much of a thing outside brazil but over here where you and your family are from is a huge part of your identity#being gaúcho is a huge part of my identity and who i am as a person so this girl isnt just making tasteless jokes abt ppl from the#place im from its like shes making jokes about me specifically and FUCK YOU
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wait i just rmbrd what i wanted to say regarding pommern. olivias fate eps confirms gran Wants to forgive ppl & feels bad/uneasy/troubled when they Cant cuz ppl did things they cant rly forgive (putting lyria&vyrn in danger in that case) right. ive made an entire post about this before havent i this feels like something ive def talked about. BUT pommerns in that group too. no way gran will ever be completely comfortable around pommern (even less since uhhh both in the manga&anime pommerns like. the only person who Rly made gran mad. cuz he was mean to lyria). and ofc theyd find that hard, and they know they dont have to be comfy around him either but. since theyre so stuck in the "ppl can change. skyfarers helps everyone" etcetc, they still Want to. so its. gestures vaugely
#stardust speaking !#I KNOW IVE TALKED ABOUT THIS CUZ. charas like sandal n tyrias r in the same boat#and ive talked about them before#sandals def a special case cuz i think sandals? the one of them who thro ingame stuff. has the most trust#like it takes A Lot for gran to get there#but. yeah#that said the way everyone was 'hehe take care of sandal<3' makes me dizzy HE PUSHED GRAN OFF A CLIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFF#CMOOOOOOOOOONNNNN#anyway. in the same vein. how many knows pommern yeah uh killed gran.#katalina does SHE EAS THERE but after that?!?!?!#its not like its a normal topic#like yeah u can put things together w their bond w lyria + scar#(even if No scar also makes me dizzy cuz gran finding it even more surreal some days Gets me)#but. while i DO think gran makes hehe im a zombie too#jokes#its kinda. a lot#actually i think gran making jokes n ppl going O_O and gran sitting there like oh right...u dont know......is funny#ur fingers are delicate..............#i was supposed to read mhyk main story but now this is occupying my entire brain#DOES ORCHIS AND ADAM KNOOOOOOOWWWWW
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ok i wrote this and drafted it and now im rewriting it, it just sounds fucking stupid but whatever anyway i need to stop like. moral freakouts over fanfiction. like i know why i do that it's a long story but it's kinda fucking asinine to be like, mare you read m rated fic abt rpf what is wrong w you. when its like. i think i know where my morals are because i live with myself and also like i do activelyy important things as a human. which isnts like a bragging point but more like... yeah man im not pulling up to the community potluck w folks i work with and people going like rate 1-10 how ethical your fic reading is we're like trying not to get people evicted like we dont really gaf. this is stupid and a bad example i dont really know how to explain what i mean
#neg#im kinda skirting the issue to explain the issue does this make sense#idk. lately i think abt the fact that fanfiction is like the only way im able to process a lot of the messier parts of like#s. trauma b/c like. obviously i process a lot by talking about it out loud but we don't really live in a society that loves that#snt that weird. like. i dont know. i have so many fucking thoughts abt being a victim of s trauma and where that leaves me#but sometimes that leaves me with only understanding sex thru fanfic and that being my only way to like. think it through#and it feels fucking embarrassing when youre in college and you try to be transparent about that but like#shit's hard right like. sorry im not getting field experiments in blowing or fucking im trying not to kill myself#<- that's actually bars im ngl#suicide joke#does this make sense. i feel insane when i talk about this always but thats such a me thing too
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friends are making plans to go stay with each other but it's the weekend I'm going to see my favourite band. the universe fucking hates me
#I CANNOT have a third rsd episode in the space of a month i will kill myself. or at least do near irreperable damage#wish i was joking. i feel like im going to throw up even just thinking about it#well. well i can skip the concert i guess. i saw them last year anyway theyre just doing a second europe tour of the same album#and theyll probably release another album in a few years and i can see them again then#ahhh. ah okay okay i cant think about this right now ill decide at the weekend its not for a few weeks anyway#ahhhhhh but maybe theyre doing this bc they dont want me there idr if they know abt it already and if they wanted me there they would#plan it with me from the start instead of telling me once theyve already made the plan oh i cant do this right now i will Spiral#im going to take a cold shower 👍#to clear my head i was just starting to feel better @ my brain like that dont fucking ruin this for us andy samberg corgi gif#its fine i dont need to panic. im just frazzled from work i lost the ability to focus after like 3pm but they kept sending me emails with#stuff they want me to do before the end of the week and i was having stupid levels of task paralysis trying to think about it#bc i dont have time to fit everything into my schedule and its multiple projects so much thought. and my meds dont help anymore by then#AND ppl kept coming and finding me and giving me samples and verbal instructions for things and i couldnt write down bc i was busy#so ive probably forgotten smth important its fine its fine its just work#and tomorrow morning my meds will smooth everything out i can organise it then. but just made me feel so mentally congested#and ive had no signal again so couldnt even open tumblr to complain abt it#cold shower and then im gonna make stir fry so i have leftovers for lunch tmr to fuel me for the gym. and ill get my gym stuff ready#and i need to get my shit together bc im calling a friend tonight and i am NOT going to fall apart in front of them 👍#its all good its okay ill make everything work out#okay. showertime#.diaries
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