#the way you reflect on yourself and the fact that you've been in pain as much as everyone else is

[seawherethesunsets]

I wanted to have her. My graceless desire to destroy something that I could not have definitely played a part in my decision to turn my back on Jang Uk. That is why whenever I think of her, I feel ashamed of myself and I feel painful remorse. 

ALCHEMY OF SOULS S2: LIGHT AND SHADOW (2022)

[ozzgin]

OZZGIN!

May I request an idea/imagine?

It is about yandere! mental asylum patient and psychiatrist! reader, who is very practical and strict regarding her job, takes no BS from others. But, for some reason, she has a soft spot for yandere! mental asylum patient. The reason could either be he had a hard childhood in which he had to do what he had to do, which brutally killed his father, who used to abuse his mother and sister, but when the father tried to sell the sister into prostitution to buy more alcohol, all hell break lose. Psychiatrist! reader thinks what yandere! mental asylum the patient did was OKAY, and she wants to get him out of the asylum. They love each other deeply and would do anything, so far as to kill for one another. If you can, make it as twisted as you can. I live for some dark romance!

Please ignore my request if you are not able to do it. I completely understand. Thank you in advance! <3

Oh my, this request hits somewhat close to home as I have a friend incarcerated for similar reasons. I'm pondering the logistics behind this context you've provided, since murdering someone won't necessarily land you in a psych ward unless there are other symptoms that come with it. And so I've taken the liberty to expand the character's profile if that's alright. (Conveniently enough I still have my psychopathology lecture notes)

I want to add, however, that this story in no way romanticizes mental illness! If anything, one may consider it an opportunity to reflect on the fact that so many people struggling with disorders do not receive the proper care for it, or only do so when it's too late. Furthermore a medical professional should never, ever behave like this and whatever is written here should stay in the realm of fiction!

Yandere! Patient x Psychiatrist! Reader

Featuring a patient that's pushing the boundaries of your work ethic and might even succeed.

Content/warnings: female reader, detailed mentions of mental disorder, violence, obsessive behavior, breach of professional conduct

You roll up your sleeve and check your watch. He should be here soon. Out of habit, you shuffle the papers for a quick case review, even though you already know all the details by heart. You carefully set aside the patient’s MMPI and WHODAS entry assessments, then your first interviews. Your eyes briefly rest upon the resulting report you’ve comprised: Schizophreniform Disorder (Provisional) with good prognostic features; Diagnostic criteria consisting of delusions, disorganized speech (frequent derailment with episodes of incoherence, echolalia) and comorbid catatonia. Responds well to antipsychotic (clozapine 25mg/12 h) with no imminent need for dosage increase. As it currently stands, he will be fit for proper incarceration in less than 6 months. Is it something you agree with? Not quite. You’ve presented your case many times and it has always been met with pitiful shrugs and dismissals.

The door opens and you fix your posture, sweeping the documents back into your drawer. “And? How are you feeling today?” You ask, flashing a professional, cordial smile as the assisting nurse leads the patient to his seat and prepares her leave. “My chest hurts.” The man answers in a low voice, glaring at the nurse. He taps his foot against the plush carpet, seemingly restless. “How bad would you rate it? Chest pain is a somewhat common side effect of your medication.” You retort, following the movements of the woman finally excusing herself and exiting the room. Once you’re alone, the man’s shoulders droop and he visibly relaxes. “It’s not that, you know it. When can I touch you again?” He pleads, despair twisting his features. You tense up at the words. “Behave yourself. It hasn’t been that long.”

It’s not something you’re particularly proud of. In fact, you might even call it one of your great shames in life. You’ve always been a textbook professional, perhaps even too strict according to your coworkers and most patients. Not even in your wildest dreams would you have dared to imagine you’d violate the code of ethics by falling in love with your patient. But something about his situation stirred your sense of justice. Surely one cannot be punished for protecting their loved ones. The only criminal in the equation, at least in your eyes, was that joke of a father and he had it coming. So you found yourself wrestling against a blooming protectiveness and favoritism towards the young man brought here last month.

What would have normally compelled you into action had therefore been silently swept under the rug. Or even worse, you secretly indulged in it. A patient showing signs of affection towards you would instantly be transferred to a different psychiatrist. Yet you couldn’t put away the letters written by this one. Erratic, crumpled notes of “I love you” written countless times, pencil dug so deep it tore into the sheet. Bizarre illustrations that looked almost threatening. His elaborate delusions before medication was introduced, where he’d detail in grand narratives how you were fated for each other and nothing would stop him from having you sooner or later. You do not know what forces possessed you into this addictive plunge, but you’ve come to enjoy his violent, frenzied confessions. So much, that during one of the unsupervised meetings you let yourself pushed into the sofa as his hands tugged at your body in rabid need. It was so out of character that you wondered if it truly happened, though the bite marks and scratches on your neck and chest proved otherwise.

“Are they going to send me to prison?” He changes the subject and stands up, walking towards your desk. “Most likely. What you have is the result of a traumatic event, not a lifelong condition. Sporadic episodes that can be kept under control with antipsychotics aren’t enough of a reason to keep you in the hospital.” You press your legs together nervously and glance at him. “Can’t you just say it’s no longer working?” He suggests, kneeling before you and placing a hand on your thigh. “You know I can’t lie on the report.” You really don’t like it when he manipulates you like this. “Ah, yes, because lying is worse than fucking your patient.” He scoffs, annoyed. “Don’t threaten me like that”, you say as you turn towards him, but you’re stopped by the rough grip of his hand over your cheeks. “I’m not threatening you, I’m threatening everyone else. Listen, (Y/N), I’m not fucking around. I don’t mind pretending to be crazy if I have to. Will the meds still be working if I steal a shaving razor and cut the nurse open?” You try to open your mouth, but his fingers are pressed into your skin, locking your jaw into place. “I’m not going to prison. I’m not. Then I’ll never see you again and that can’t happen. You know that.”

Eventually he releases his hold, allowing you to speak. "I understand. Then there's no choice but to arrange your escape." You sigh, defeated, and he raises his eyebrows. "Won't that get you in trouble?" You chuckle at his statement. "Either way I'll be in trouble. You said it yourself. Might as well quit before I have to stand in front of the ethics board and have my license revoked." You'd prefer to keep the last ounce of pride if possible.

He sits on the floor and you notice his trembling hands. "Nervous?" You ask. "No. Just really happy. I'm not a bad person and you were the only one here to see it. But God, (Y/N), I'd kill anyone if it was for your sake. I can't wait to hold you whenever I want." He gazes at you as a smile widens on his face.

[daportalpractitioner]

the 12th house + your period

the 12th house is associated with the menstrual phase of your cycle. during the menstrual phase, our wombs are not only shedding on a physical level, but on an energetic level. we are participating in self-undoing as we shed harmful attachments which is ruled by the 12th house. the 12th house is also "the void" and the menstrual cycle is associated with the nu moon phase of the moon cycle which is in fact - a void. it is best for women who are menstruating to remain introspective + stay in solitude during her bleed - solitude being ruled by the 12th house.

aries 12H: your period may be physically painful + internally chaotic. she can also come knocking on your door unexpectedly. she is here to help you shed attachments that refrain you from dishonoring your true power. your period can feel like a time of renewal for you each month. it's possible that you may have tended to disregard your cycle at first + not deem the importance of it, and were met with reproductive issues from not prioritizing your physical health. aries 12th housers should do very light workouts to get your qi flowing so that the womb can have the energy to push you through the (re)birth canal.

taurus 12H: this is the type of woman that can eat chocolate in bed + cuddle up while watching a movie during her period (and should!). your period is here to help you shed attachment from the things that aren't adding true value to your life. if you've been holding yourself up to a high standard, there are no afflictions in your 12th house, and if venus isn't being afflicted in your chart, your period could be a calm time with nothing more than a bit of discomfort. otherwise, taurus 12th housers could experience heavy pain + cramping as well as a sign that it's time to level up. remove all stressors during this time as stress can also trigger menstrual pains.

gemini 12H: during your period, your mind could be running at 1000 miles per minute, making it more difficult for you to be present, still, and introspective. there's nothing like the downloads that you receive on your bleed. your intuition is on point, so any uncertainty can be met with clarity during your cycle as your aha moments can multiply. you can optimize your spiritual gifts by using this time for astral traveling + divination serves as powerful guidance and confirmation for you during this phase. a variety of PMS symptoms are commonly experienced with this placement, especially unpredictable mood swings. you can use this time to creatively brainstorm and write down any sudden ideas which come to mind, but wait until after your period to actually start any projects.

cancer 12H: the need to crawl into your shell to protect your innerG is crucial. when this time is honored well, this is a rejuvenating period for you. use this time to get some serious rest + reflection in. this is the perfect time to focus on matters of the home, making sure that your home still aligns with you and brings out the best of you. do an emotional check-in and reset for yourself during your period. cancer 12H natives often carry the burdening pain + trauma of the women ancestors that has come before them so you can use this time as a period of karmic healing to release the baggage that was passed down to you. your period may be a very sensitive time with low pain tolerance for not honoring your womb in the ways she deserves to be cared for.

leo 12H: many leo 12H natives are unaware of their cycles and therefore experience heavy PMS symptoms without even thinking that maybe they could be the issue. the nature of your period is connected to the story that you tell about your period. if you say that your period is this really painful, negative experience, you will continue to experience it negatively. lean into creating a positive narrative about your period; for example - my period is an exciting time for me to rest and become the best version of myself! similar to cancer 12th housers, your period is a very sensitive time and is not afraid to act up when you don't honor your womb's needs + love her wholeheartedly. this is the perfect time for self-love healing as painful periods are an indication of inadequate self-love with this placement.

virgo 12H: naturally, you may experience issues surrounding your period because of virgo's nature of being a "fixer". issues could manifest as painful periods + health issues related to the womb. your period is a detox time in order for the womb space to be purified. in order for the womb to undergo an efficient detox, conscious eating would be super beneficial for you, especially during the luteal phase of your cycle. creating a health regimen around your period is also very beneficial for healing any issues that you may be experiencing monthly.

libra 12H: your period is here to help you restore balance in life by urging you to release the ways in which you have put others before yourself. this is coming back to the essence of the divine feminine. any pain + unfortunate symptoms that arise during your period can indicate you over-exercising your masculine energy. your period reminds you that you should not find yourself in a space of chasing anything or trying to control any situation, putting you in a prime position for receiving just as nature has intended. periods are a time for realignment for those who surrender and leave it to the Divine to shift them where they need to be.

scorpio 12H: your period can usher in transformation through a (painful) death + rebirth process. your womb is shedding emotional baggage that it has not forgotten and has stubbornly been holding onto. this is a time where you would want to cut things or people off that are no longer a reflection of a high self-esteem. though this can be an emotionally intense and painful time, you can transmute this innerG to make it an empowering time rather than just a painful time. these are growing pains that you're actually experiencing. scorpio 12H natives need to find their power in their period. magick would even be highly beneficial for you to practice as your energy is super potent and magnetizing during this time.

sagittarius 12H: this is a time for you to gain insights and wisdom from the previous cycle, innerstanding the significance + purpose of that experience. the downloads go crazy during your period as your womb is consistently emitting spiritual knowledge. things can get spiritually intense and you can feel the need to switch up your flow, expand, or change direction based on divine insight given to you. it's easy for you to disregard your needs so make sure that you're taking care of your menstrual health + indulging in womb enriching foods + activities.

capricorn 12H: your period is a phase you need to take extra seriously in your cycle. she is not here for the play play! she's here to assist you on this level up to success. it's important to practice discipline on your period, especially when it comes to taking care of your health + wellness. there's a need to dismantle how the patriarchy has affected how you perceive your period. use this time as a time to rest - it's so important and this placement can humble you if you don't. you hurt your womb by participating in overexerting your masculine energy during a season of rest. your karmic lesson here is to reconnect with your femininity through your womb. infertility can be a theme + womb disorders can manifest from the disconnect to your feminine nature.

aquarius 12H: there is this innate detachment to your womb, especially if there has been a disconnection between you and your mother. you may experience or have experienced irregular periods due to the influence of uranus. this is a time for you to do some deep healing + innovation each month. your period can feel like a spiritual upgrade as you detach from whats no longer serving your vision. dive deep into the collective consciousness + use your period as a time to reflect on how you're being called to show up for the collective. there's a need to embrace your womb + honor her, not reject her. also, make sure you're taking time to be present in the moment as you can experience the difficulties of being still.

pisces 12H: you are deeply + psychically connected to your womb. you know when your period is coming + you naturally feel connected to all the phases of your cycle as they all have an effect on your body. allow this time to be a time for much rest + solitude. this could be a very sensitive time with heavy emotional releases. disregarding the unaddressed emotional turmoil taking a toll on your womb can allow the manifestation of disease in the womb to take place. spiritual upgrades leading you to feel closer to God happen during this time as well. you may have grown up not innerstanding the importance of your cycle + perceived your period to be a time of suffering rather than a very healing + empowering time. i'd highly recommend cycle syncing for cycle awareness.

[cheeekycharchar]

"Shame and guilt have followed humanity since Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden."

Good Omens; a story of an Angel that can't accept love because of shame and a Demon that can't accept forgiveness because of guilt.

"It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one."

An in-depth analysis of an Angel suffering from shame and a Demon wracked with guilt.

Let's dive deeper below the cut!

[Now I'm going to lay down a lot of facts, definitions and minimal psychological babble and I want you, as the reader, to view this through your GO nerd glasses. Also, I want to express that I am not a therapist or religious in any way- this was all done as academic research for the fandom's sake cause I can't shut my brain up. I tried to organize it the best I could. ..sorry it's so long but I swear it's worth the read through! ;)]

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• Shame is the painful emotion you have when you perceive that you are not good enough in some way. Entirely self imposed and only known to you, shame can be an unpleasant self-conscious feeling often associated with negative self-evaluation. When shame is chronic, it makes you believe that you are fundamentally flawed, defective, dishonorable, immoral, or improper.

• Guilt is a negative feeling of worry or unhappiness that you get because you have done something wrong. It's a moral emotion that occurs when a person believes or realizes- accurately or not- that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for it. When guilt is chronic, it can be a toxic emotion that could cause a person to take on unjust responsibility if things around them go wrong. They are quick to accept that everything is their fault even though it isn't.

While guilt is about wrong actions, shame is about being wrong as a person.

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In academic psychology, shame is associated with avoiding failure and its consequences while guilt is connected with forgiving and improving one's self, along with making amends.

Guilt and Shame are often confused for each other but there’s a big difference between the two. Guilt can help you understand how your actions impact others, but shame is an inward-facing emotion that reflects how you feel about yourself. (And I do realize that Aziraphale may, at times, feel guilt and Crowley can also feel a sense of shame. But the main motivation behind majority of their characterizations and actions throughout the series are both coming from these two different feelings.)

Guilt can help you move forward while shame keeps you stuck in the past. [such as the "We could have been.. us." and "You go too fast for me." scenes] And the only way to rid themselves of these negative emotions is through recovery with unconditional love and forgiveness.

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• How Aziraphale represents the concept of shame •

Shame tricks you into believing that you aren't good. That you are worthless. Not that you've done something bad, but that you are bad. Ever since Aziraphale gave away his flaming sword, he started to question himself. But it wasn't until he outright lies to his fellow Angel's about the true fate of Job's children that he truly believes he has fallen- that he violated God's word and lied (again). He believes there must be something truly wrong with who he is as an Angel. He's a flawed creation of God and he feels a dreaded sense of deep shame from this.

Feelings of shame can also present itself in different types such as, Chronic Shame (negative emotions all the time that you aren't good enough), Performance Shame (feeling as though you are inferior compared to others) and Shame from Unrequited Love (this is a feeling of not being good enough for another person T^T).

Shame is a harmful, negative emotion that when internalized enough can result in an overly harsh evaluation of oneself.

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Next, let's take a closer look at what defines shame and how it operates through Aziraphale:

• Being Defensive is a way to avoid taking responsibility for our behavior.

"I don't need you." "And the feeling is mutual!"

• Perfectionism is the unrealistic desire to be perfect and is often a defense against shame. If we’re perfect, no one can criticize us; no one can shame us. We keep up a front that looks good to the world. We may spend a lot of time attending to our dress and looks.

"I do have standards."

• Apologizing constantly. Shame can prompt us to be overly apologetic and compliant.

"I did the 'I was wrong' dance in…"

• Procrastination can occur from a deep hidden shame. If we consider pursuing something and it doesn’t turn out well, we might be paralyzed by that feeling. If we never try, then we don’t have to face possible failure and subsequent shame.

"You go too fast for me, Crowley.."

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Next are the four category behaviors resulting from shame:

• The Hot Response These are things you do when you feel ashamed and defensive, such as lashing out in anger or attacking the other person to deflect attention from yourself.

"I don't even like you!" [always resorts to being defensive in any argument]

• Behaviors to Cope With or Conceal the Shame These behaviors include doing things to make yourself feel small, trying to avoid being the center of attention, or not sharing your thoughts or feelings. Concealing yourself is a method of self-protection.

[always awkward and can't speak openly around other Angels]

• Safety Behaviors to Avoid Shame or Being Discovered This category of shame behaviors might be things like apologizing, crying, or avoiding conflict. People who have a tendency toward being emotional or avoiding conflict may be more likely to engage in safety behaviors.

"Why? What's wrong? I mean.. if there is something wrong.."

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The Impact of Feeling Shame:

• Makes you feel like you are flawed or there is something wrong with you

"I'm like you now. A demon. I'm a fallen angel.." • Can lead to social withdrawal

[spends most of his time in the bookshop alone] • May cause you to become defensive and shame others in return "I'm an angel! And you're a demon!" • May cause you to inflate your ego to hide the belief that you don’t have value

"Well, I am a great deal holier than thou. That's the whole point." • May leave you feeling empty, lonely, or worn out

"But I thought you said it wasn't [lonely]?" • May lead to lowered self-esteem

"I'm.. soft." • May make it harder for you to trust other people

"Obviously, you're lying. You're a demon. That's what you do." • May lead to perfectionism or overachievement to try and counteract your feelings of shame

"If I can just reach the right people and resolve all of this-" "That's not going to happen! How could somebody as clever as you be so stupid!?" • May cause you to engage in people pleasing

"Doing good again, Angel? "Oh, hardly counts. Purely for selfish reasons." • May cause you to avoid talking because you are afraid to say the wrong thing

[trying to explain to Metatron in S1 without revealing too much] • May cause compulsive or excessive behaviors like overworking, excessive cleaning, or having too high of standards in general

[non stop research all day and night to look for the antichrist by himself]

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• How Crowley represents the concept of guilt •

Guilt is what you feel after committing a specified or perceived offence/crime/bad action.  It's typically attached to a feeling you experience when you do something wrong on purpose or accidentally and can regret that action. Guilt can be morally ambiguous.

"Well, maybe there is something to be said for.. shades of grey?" "..Shades of dark grey."

Signs of guilt are unique but these are the most common (again there are many but these I thought related to Crowley the best):

• Low self-esteem

*sighs* "Don't bother..."

• Excessive attempts at reparation [Crowley always trying to secretly help humanity when he can]

• Being unable to meet someone’s gaze

[Covering his eyes not only hides his snake eyes but also his guilty feelings]

• Anxiety "We are fucked!" [and we all know TV!Crowley is 100% more anxiety ridden than Book!Crowley is lol]

• Trouble sleeping [Sleeps too long (100 year nap from book). Or can't get comfortable sleeping (from S1 deleted scene)]

• Depressed mood

"What's even the point.. everything seems.. pointless.."

• Avoidance of people, places, or events linked to the cause of guilt "I'm not going to be joining their team and neither should you!" [doesn't want to return to Heaven or Hell and is "on his own side" to avoid them further] • Shifts in energy levels [can be giddy/jumpy one second to morose/moody the next, etc]

• Emotional outbursts

"I'm just so angry!"

• Appetite changes

[took up drinking alcohol even though its unnatural to]

• Making amends [spends every moment since Eden trying to secretly do good despite the hellish consequences]

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Defense mechanisms against feeling guilty can become an overriding aspect of one's personality. (These are also related to trauma response.)

• Displacement is a defensive tool that may take the form of blaming the victim or taking your feelings out on others.

"You know what you've done. You've disappointed me."

• Projection is sharing the unacceptable feelings/qualities onto others, thereby being less alone with it.

"But that sounds.." "Lonely?"

• Self-harm may be used as an alternative to compensating from one's past transgression. Not just physical self-harm but not allowing yourself to enjoy opportunities or benefits as a result of uncompensated guilty feelings.

[always holding himself back for 6k years from saying what he truly feels and won't allow himself to be with Aziraphale the way he really wants]

• Repression is subconsciously blocking or forgetting harmful/traumatic memories. "Right.. looking at where the furniture isn't.." [doesn't remember his time in Heaven in detail- whether from trauma response or just had his memory wiped]

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Behavioral responses to guilt can be associated with the moral of their character. Feelings of guilt can prompt virtuous behavior.

"You shouldn't test them to destruction.."

People who feel guilty may be more likely to: • Exercise restraint [holds his true feelings back for Aziraphale for centuries]

• Avoid self-indulgence [only really has his car and plants in the end]

• Exhibit less prejudice [is more open and accepting of other's sins - such as helping during the Scottish bodysnatching scenes]

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Guilt can prompt reparatory behaviors (actions to make amends) to help alleviate these negative emotions. People tend to engage in these reparatory behaviors toward the persons they wronged. Some religions theorize that forgiveness of sin (even those committed by accident or ignorance) is exclusively through repentance.

Crowley, being the wily serpent that tempted Eve to eat the forbidden apple of knowledge and subsequently getting her and Adam kicked out of paradise on Earth- and thusly creating the first sin of humanity. Right away, Crowley feels guilt from this.

After all, he was just told to stir up some trouble and had no idea the consequences of his first temptation on the future generations of human existence. Ignorantly doing something considered wrong and getting exiled.. this mistake would forever haunt him. He knows the pain and trauma from unwittingly doing something insignificant and being punished severely for it (such as asking questions or eating an apple) yet he accidentally made the first of God's new creatures "fall" in their own way from Eden. It's because of this guilt that Crowley spends the next 6000 years secretly rebelling against Hell to help humanity in any way he can to redeem himself.

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That's why their first conversation (post Fall from Heaven) on the wall of Eden was SO important to their relationship with each other and themselves.

"Oh, I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing." "It'd be funny if we both got it wrong. If I did the good thing and you did the bad one." "No. No! It wouldn't be funny at all!"

I think the reason Crowley always seems to be one step ahead of Aziraphale (in more ways than one) is because, in a sense, guilt is easier to resolve from than shame.

If you acknowledge your mistake and the person chooses to take the steps to improve and change for the better, then they can recover from those negative feelings. They can work through the guilt by repairing the transgression or learning from it.

Whereas shame can only intensify inwardly and be harder to face because your mind is telling you that you are the bad thing, that you are the mistake. This makes it harder to overcome. And the only way to truly recover from shame is unconditional love and forgiveness- for yourself.

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“Instead of your shame, you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion, they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land, they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs.” (Isaiah 61:7)

And in S2.. we can see they both hold regret for their actions at the end of episode 6. If you look at every choice, ever misstep, every argument and their occasional confusion in understanding one another, you can see how Aziraphale was written with shame as a main part of his personality and Crowley written with guilt.

Two feelings that are often confused for one another but differ slightly in their own ways. The motivation behind every word they utter and every action they make throughout the series is built on the foundation of these two fundamentally negative and often traumatizing feelings.

There is a possibility to recover from shame and guilt and I have a feeling that S3's plot line will be all about recovery.

And that's what the concept of that Second Coming storyline might be all about. The New Testament says, "In Jesus Christ, God took upon Himself the sins of the world and died on the cross to pay mankind's debt" (Rom 6:23). "Those who repent and accept Christ's sacrifice for their sins, will be redeemed by God and thus not guilty before Him. They will be granted eternal life which will take effect after the Second Coming of Christ" (1 Thess 4:13–18).

A second chance. Forgiveness and Recovery from Sin.

And what is the story of Adam and Eve if not about humanity's Original Sin?

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Remember, after all is said and done, the antidote for shame is love, and guilt is cured through forgiveness.

Two things a certain Angel and Demon struggle with accepting from each other but are more than willing to give to one another.

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[…There! I made myself sad again, lol. Thank you for reading this far! Sorry it was crazy long but I really enjoyed putting this all together into semi-comprehensible words (though stupid tumblr made me delete a bunch of pictures I had as examples…). Also, on a final side note- if you are ever experiencing overwhelming shame or guilt in anyway (which can result in depression or worse if not dealt with) please make sure you reach out to someone or seek professional help in some way. Take care, everyone! ^-^]

[iblameashley]

I'm punny and you know it.

Civilian | Male | Gay

1,608 words Content: Minor warning for mention of panic attack. follow up to Friental - My Personal Friend Rental.

Simon ’Ghost’ Riley | Male/GN Reader

!!!SFW!!!

You've had a few meeting with this Si guy now, but he's inviting you over to his flat? Well, its not against the rules, but you're surprised to say the least.

(Thanks to @loneghostwolf for permission to use this image)

You learned from the last time, and as Si opened the door to his flat, you clasped your hands behind your back. 'No touching' you reminded yourself. 'And be respectful.' this was you first time at his Flat. A shock that after only four in-person meetings, he'd agree to.

Si opened the door, masked, as per the agreement and looked you over. Always with the suspicion. You kind of liked it, mostly because you could only be less of a threat. His hair was still unruly, and you suspected he normally wore a hat of some kind. His eyes were a little more sunken than usual. They were puffy and dry.

He stepped out of the way, and ushered you inside.

“I like the mask.” You said as you entered his flat. It was new, well, for you. A jawbone pattern splashed across his face.

He grunted and closed the door.

You glanced around, taking in the simplicity of the space. "Nice place you've got here. It's cozy." Simon looked around. "It's functional."

'Oh thank fuck.' you thought. 'won't have to elaborate on that, at least.' This place was sparse to say the least. It looked like he was either moving in, or out.

His living space was minimalistic, with a few practical items scattered around—a small coffee table, a bookshelf filled with manuals and classics, and a modest-sized TV. The walls were adorned with a few framed photographs nondescript people you were sure he wasn't going to tell you about. There was also a world map marked with red pins, you figured they indicated places he had travelled. The atmosphere was quiet and chilled, reflecting Simon's personality as you knew it.

You settled on the pristine couch, maintaining a respectable distance between you two, as per Si's rule. You propped yourself against the armrest so you could look at him. He was reclining with his hands once again in his hoodie pockets. His gaze was firmly affixed to the TV that was on a news channel, muted.

“So remember last time we met I was telling you about my sister?” You began. He nodded and you continued. “Well, she's planning to come visit soon. She's bringing my niece with her as well. Nether of them have been on this side of the pond.” You were getting excited.

He looked at you with a tilted head. He was interested. Rule four. You were starting to understand him and his nuances.

“She's gonna be here for a month, so I may need to postpone some of our meetings. Thats something I though we could discuss later?”

“Mmm.” He grunted. A simple acknowledgement. A fact.

“Excellent. I rarely get to see them, and my niece is turning ten soon, so I want to celebrate her birthday while shes in England.”

You went off on a tangent of family drama and stories of your rivalry you had with your sister as a child. How you used to absolutely torment each other with pranks, jokes and sometimes fights. But there was always a hint of love in your words. Fondness.

Simon sat there and listened with his utmost attention. He liked having you talk. He liked that he could deep dive into your voice and forget the ones in his head that clawed at his ears and neck. Voices of the dead, or the ones he wished were dead. Or just the demons that haunted him when he was allowed to be along with himself for too long. But mostly, he was grateful to not have to talk about work, or hear people talk about his work.

He appreciated the one-four-one team, even Soap. But all he had in common with them was the military, death and endless missions. The aches and pains of his failing body as his career took its tole on him. He assumed the nightmares came for them as well. He didn't want that. He wanted to try feeling normal. This was normal.

Your eyes turned to the map on the wall. You looked at North America and saw several red pins. To your surprise, one appeared to be pinned to a port-city you grew up near. You knew there was a military base there, and with the books and sparse nature of his apartment, it started to click.

“You travel a lot, it seems.” You finally say. “Or did the pins come with the map?” You joked.

He turned away from you. Rule four again. You knew there was at least a hint of a smile pulling at the sides of his mouth. He'd never show you, but it made you happy to know he had a sense of humour.

“They came as a set.” He finally said. He flashed you a glace.

You smiled and quietly laughed. You knew he was pulling your leg, but it was nice. He rarely spoke, so you had to enjoy those times he did. But he was also a roller coaster of moods, sometimes you thought you had him opening up, the next minutes he'd shut down. Your last appointment with him, he booked you for two hours and you both sat in silence for the last forty-five minutes after you had made a comment that didn't quite land with him.

You sighed a breath of relief when he booked another appointment with you a couple of days later. Which lead you to tonight.

You didn't know what cause the sudden change in his mood, but his eyes had been locked on the TV. By the time you had looked over, the report must have ended.

Simon's heart rate quickened, and a wave of unease washed over him. Memories flooded his mind, threatening to break through his carefully constructed walls. The weight of of his emotions pressed against his chest, constricting his breath. Even through the mask, you could tell something had happened. Simon's stoic expression tightened, his body rigid with tension. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to get you out of his flat, but he resisted. He was fighting to maintain his composure because he knew if he scared you, he'd lose his only distraction from work.

The chaos of his mind started to swirl around like a tornado, and his eyes fell to you. There were beads of sweat forming on his brow, and you knew you had to at least bend some of the rules.

“Si. You doing OK?” You asked with a hushed tone. You felt like you were attending to a wounded animal. “Need something?”

Simon shook his head. It was slow and methodical, and you weren't buying it.

You stood up and walked over to his kitchen and filled a glass full of water. You weren't exactly a doctor, so you didn't know what to you. But you did know what not to do. Gripping the cup tightly you marched back to Simon and held the glass in front of him, keeping as much distance as you could.

“Take it.” You said, shoving it forward.

He stared at you for a moment before he took it with a shaky hand. He looked at the glass of water, and then at you. How was he supposed to drink this? That was the thought you knew was rolling around in his head.

Wanting to respect the rules of your agreement. You moved to sit yourself down on the floor beside his coffee table; your back to his, and your eyes firmly fixed to the floor.

“You should drink that.” You said. “And take several deep breaths.”

You felt the tick-tick-ticking of time passing, and it seemed to last forever, until suddenly you heard the sound of Simon gulping down the water. He made a huff as he finished the water off and put the glass down on the coffee table with a 'clink'.

“Better?” You inquired.

You heard him shuffle on the couch and let out an indifferent grunt.

“Hey, Si?” You started, not moving from your place on the floor. You didn't wait for him to reply. “Why don't skeletons fight each other?”

There was another tick of time.

“Because they don't have guys.” You finished.

There was a low guttural chuckle that escaped his mouth. You felt his boot on your back, and he gave you a gentle push forward.

“Fucking terrible.” He said, the faint hint of his laugh still on his lips.

A wall had come down. You didn't know for how long, but it was important. He seemed to like the joke, so you cracked another.

“Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?” You wait a beat. “Because if they fell forward they'd still be on the boat.”

“Heh.” He grunted.

“All good now? Can I turn back around?” You asked.

He gave you another push with his boot. You took that to mean 'yes' and took your place back on the far end of the couch.

Simon sat on the couch, tension still consuming his body, but he seemed calmer overall. He was clammy from the sweat that covered his forehead and he was breathing deeply. But he was calm. His eyes were impassive as they looked at you. He had asked you to keep talking, and you were happy to.

As you walked home from your meeting, your phone dinged with a notification. You had stayed longer than the allotted time and Simon was sending and updated payment for the extra hour you spent with him. You denied it, and shoved the phone back in your pocket.

[ace-bi-says-hi]

As Cold As Death (Part 1)

Part 1|2|

Summary:

You've had always lived what felt like a half-life, died more times than you could count. Astarion was a vampire spawn who had been "living" in the shadow of his master. But things change for the both of you when you're abducted by Mindflayers and implanted with tadpoles. With a Cleric of Shar; a Githyanki Warrior; an Escaped Solider for Zariel; the Blade of Frontiers; a Former Chosen of Mystra; the Corpse of a Scribe and the Pale Elf, you venture forth towards Baldur's Gate in the hopes of finding a cure. Where the shadow over Astarion is darkest and the Dead Three 's chosen lurk along the way.

Genre: Romance, Slowburn

Pairing: Astarion/Necromancer GN!Reader (Tav)

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of death, blood drinking, manipulation. More to be added as the fic goes on. Please let me know if there's any I missed.

Word Count: 4.9k

Note: This has been cross-posted to AO3 and can be seen as a prequel to 'Predators and Prey'. No beta, we die like bing bong.

It had been a long and arduous day of exploring and bloody battle. Your grim harvest had done little to assuage the pain emanating from your strained heart. Of all the people to get infected with one of those gods damned parasites it just had to be you. Though at least you weren't alone in this - you had formed a little group with others in your predicament just a few days ago.

You were a ragtag group, some of these people you wouldn't have found yourself associating with if the circumstances weren't so dire. This included the pale elf in your group. Your magic thrummed in his presence, he was of the dead. A vampire. Though he was trying oh so hard to hide that, just not well. The fact that you could clearly see the bite mark on his neck really showed how half-arsed his attempts were. However, you figured that not having a reflection made it hard to know he had successfully covered them.

In fact, when you had awoken in the night to his attempt to feed on you, you just laughed.

“You won't get much from me if you're peckish. I'm not that nutritional and my circulation is horrid at best.” You lounged back on your elbows, peering up at him.

He stood there, arms crossed in dissatisfaction, “What? No shock? No horror? That would at least be some fun to see.”

“You thought you had fooled a necromancer? 'Star, you radiate undeath. You're paler than me and my pallor has been called deathly – not a perk of my school by the way.”

“Hmmm, you did strike me as rather sickly looking.”

“And so you thought I'd make a good snack?” You raised a quizzical eyebrow.

“Look, I'm feeling weak, anyone would do.”

“Your words wound me.” You feigned insult, putting your hand over your heart.

“…You're vexing.”

You took a moment to contemplate the pros and cons of letting him feed from you. The other party members were likely to react negatively to his vampirism and you'd rather not risk him being staked or incinerated. That man's face flashed through your mind unwarranted and gave you the last push you needed.

You huffed a sigh, “If you're truly that weak, I guess I can oblige you. But don't take too much.”

He startled, “Really? I – Of course. Not one drop more. Shall we get comfortable?”

You laid back on your bedroll with a sense of trepidation pooling in your stomach but watched silently as the elf dropped to his knees. He cradled you in his hands and for a moment you wondered if others found his touch to be cold like yours. The thought was interrupted by the sting of his fangs piercing the delicate skin of your neck, like shards of ice. However, after a few moments passed, the familiar feeling of your life being drained away crept in.

You felt it in your fingers first, as your body started prioritising your vital organs over your extremities – the numbness slithering down from the tips of your fingers into your elbows as you fist his shirt, trying to hold on to consciousness. Next, it was your feet. They began to feel like solid ice blocks, you couldn't even wiggle your toes. Your heart began to struggle as your blood pressure dropped, if it weren't for his cradling you, your head would surely be lulling.

“A-Asta…rion. S-stop. That's… enough.” You tugged at his shirt.

By the grace of the gods, he had heard you, quickly releasing you from his maw. You were surprised to see his eyebrows shoot up and his eyes widen.

“Shit, shit, shit. You're going blue! You-”

His voice was lost to you as the all too familiar sensation of death's grip took you. Your face scrunched up in agony until suddenly, pleasantly, you were embraced by nothingness.

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You awoke with a gasp, your heart stuttering back to life. Gods you hated when that happened. How long were you gone for this time? Your eyes flickered open and you were greeted by the sight of Astarion pacing back and forth. He was mumbling to himself but you couldn't make out what he was saying. You rolled to your side with a groan and he finally looked at you.

“You're alive! But you died! Your heart stopped-”

“Shhh. Wake up the whole camp why don't you?” You shakily pushed yourself up into a sitting position. “Not like this is my first dance with death. Lucky for me it's always cut short.” You laughed dryly.

Astarion's brows pinched together as he joined you on the forest floor, “Here I was weighing up the pros and cons of paying that skeleton to revive you, only to find out I wasn't even your first. Is that why he knew you? Dying a common occurrence for you?”

“More than I'd care to admit. My first death was when I was just a babe. Just dropped dead right in front of my mother. I don't remember it but she certainly does. I've been taken to see numerous clerics and healers, all of whom have been stumped. My affliction is no curse, nor is it ill health. It is simply a part of my being. Like my connection to life is weak but strong enough to keep me out of death's embrace permanently. As for Withers, I don't remember meeting the undead scribe prior to our encounter in the crypt.”

Your brows furrowed as you puzzled over the cryptic nature of the now-resident corpse. He was all riddles. There was a moment of silence as Astarion seemed to contemplate his words, “Dying is a wretched experience. I would pay any cost not to go through it again. You and I… we're more alike than I thought.”

“Tell me about it. All my life I have been compared to vampires. From my pale complexion, my sensitivity to sunlight and a touch my mother said was as cold as death. Only difference between us is that I can't drink blood for nutrients and mirrors are almost useless for you.”

Another moment of silence and then Astarion was up and riffling through the camp supplies, producing a bottle of wine you had recently found. He then grabbed two goblets from his tent.

“I propose a drink to our newly realised mutual understanding and perhaps, an arrangement?”

He poured a glass and offered it to you.

“What would this arrangement be exactly?” You asked before taking a sip.

Astarion swirled the vintage in his goblet, "Let me feed from you, I won't take much, just enough to give me the energy to find something more… filling. In return, perhaps I can help that pretty little heart of yours keep beating. To be honest, you're useful to me and I need you alive. If you need me to shepherd enemies closer to you so you can sap their life force to fuel your own, who am I to judge?"

You took a moment to consider it, "Well, in that case, feel free to sink your teeth into those we battle."

"I like how you think, after all, they're just as dead." He gave you a charming smile, a flash of fang, before downing his drink, "Now forgive me, as invigorating as you were, I need something more satisfying and you could use the beauty sleep, you look paler than my arm." With that, Astarion stood back up and started stalking towards the forest but he paused and looked over his shoulder at you, "This is a gift you know, I won't forget it."

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The next morning, the rest of your adventuring party were quick to cotton onto the truth of Astarion's nature, probably something to do with the fresh puncture wounds on your neck and the scars on his that mirrored them. Vague threats were made towards him but you were quick to reassure them that it was a) consensual and b) he wouldn't be seeking out any of their necks. You were a tad surprised to see Astarion grab a portion of the morning meal when he didn't need to eat or keep pretending.

You were even more surprised when he unceremoniously handed it to you with a playful jab of: "We need to get you healthier if you're going to be making oh-so-generous donations to myself. You're eating for two now, pup."

"When can I next expect you to come for a nibble?"

"My sweet, there is nothing I'd like more." He placed his hand over his breast in a little half bow, "I'll come to you tonight, when you're snugly wrapped in your bedroll and we can have a little privacy. And this time I'll make sure I'm quiet - we don't want to disturb your rest. You need it more than I do after all. Later on, when we are settled for the day, I'll eat you right up. Just enough to give me strength, and just enough to leave you wishing for more. But, of course, I'll keep your delicate constitution in mind."

You couldn't hold his gaze, unused to such flippant flirtation, so you just shovelled down what you were sure was a lovely breakfast if you weren't too distracted to taste it.

It continued with every meal for the following days, you felt so full, fit to burst. Astarion did visit you most nights. Sometimes you slept blissfully unaware, and on others where sleep could not find you, you had idle conversation in the lead-up to his meal. You were surprised by his confession that you were his first thinking being. The way he talked to Shadowheart about sweet vs savoury hearts and his comment on liking spicy food when Lae'zel threatened him had you thinking he had been feeding like this since the start of his undeath. You felt oddly flattered, almost like it was a privilege to have been the camp member randomly chosen for his first proper taste of living.

As promised, Astarion found ways to lead foes into range of your spells so your grim harvest could be reaped. If there was still life in them afterwards, he always took the opportunity to have a bite to eat. You made quite the duo while the others could focus on the heavy hitters that you did not have the strength to face. This was an especially useful tactic when clearing out the goblin camp. Because although there was the option just to quietly take out their leaders, you hadn't the patience for sneaking about or scheming to get them alone. However, Halsin's complaining when you wanted to go to camp to rest up was getting on your last nerve. You had been up for days with no reprieve. You had run out of spell slots so you could reap no more souls to fuel you. It was all too stressful and you could tell that if you didn't rest soon, everyone would get to witness your lifeless corpse briefly. Frankly, it had upset you that it even happened in front of Astarion. Eventually, you put your foot down and hurried to your tent to rest in privacy.

It wasn't long before that privacy was interrupted. You heard Astarion clear his throat.

"Enter," you called weakly. Gods you hated feeling like this. It took all your energy just to sit up.

He was frowning as he pushed aside the tent curtain and stepped in, "Your heart, I can hear its stuttering. Is there anything that can be done to… steady it?"

You laughed dryly, "If there was anything I could do, I would be doing it right now. I just need rest, so please let me."

He didn't leave, instead, he sat himself down beside you, "Perhaps some food might help? Gale is making a stew. He seemed rather concerned, said you're paler than usual. Which is true, though you're not quite blue in the lips like last time. Shadowheart wanted to check you over for any wounds but I assured her I couldn't smell any bleeding."

You were touched that your party members showed you such concern, you actually managed to smile. It had been years since you felt so cared for.

"Stew does sound nice but sadly I don't have much of an appetite at this time. So no extra portion."

Astarion stood back up and seemed to hesitate for a moment, "Would you like me to inform them of your condition? It might help if you had extra eyes on you."

"I don't want to be a distraction. Just… just tell them I have a weak constitution. That should do."

He nodded his understanding then ducked out. You led back down and strained to hear what was going on outside.

"So? How are they? What's going on?" That was Karlach, there was genuine worry in her voice.

"Tav is fine. They just need rest and a good meal. Apparently, they've been frail since birth."

There was a disgruntled huff, "And you've known this the whole time. Is that why you've been hovering around them like a gnat?" Gale said accusatorially. You could imagine him possibly poking the vampire in the shoulder.

"That's true. I found out rather accidentally and they chose to confide in me. They didn't tell you because they thought you would've forgotten our mission and fawned over them like they were a sickly child." He was agitated.

"My my, I didn't take you for the doting type Astarion. Colour me surprised, you actually care about the well-being of your personal blood bank." You couldn't tell if Shadowheart was joking or not.

"Look as much I love idle chit-chat and gossip, Tav would really like a bowl of stew and that's what I came to get. So I'll just say this, when they've recovered from this little episode, do not crowd them. Stress sets it off."

There was silence and shuffling after that. It wasn't long before Astarion returned with a steaming bowl in one hand and a spoon in the other. You tried to sit up again but your arms gave out causing you to fall back with a thud and a groan. Astarion sighed, set the stew down beside you and did something you had not expected.

He slid behind you and lifted you to rest against his chest. It felt oddly… intimate. Sure you had sat in a similar position when he fed while you were awake - but there was an understanding that the closeness was necessary. Was this necessary?

"Please tell me I don't have to feed you." He huffed.

You took a second to collect yourself and tried to will away what little heat filled your cheeks, "N-no I can do it. But uh… you didn't have to do all this. Thank you."

"I'm just simply keeping up my end of our little arrangement."

"Even though I won't be able to hold up my end until I'm stable?"

"The way I see it, the sooner you're back on your feet, the sooner we can carry on as normal." He placed the bowl on your lap and passed you the spoon. "Now eat up."

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You got about halfway through your meal before you found yourself drifting off into an oddly peaceful slumber, slumped against the vampire. When you awoke the next morning he was no longer in your tent. You donned your robes and joined the others outside. You sat by the fire and Wyll passed you a portion of porridge.

"How are you feeling? Fighting fit I hope."

You gave him a smile, "I'm feeling right as rain today."

Lae'zel made a noise across from you, "If you are so weak that you are useless to us, it would be easier if I put you out of your misery."

Shadowheart glared at her, "Ignore the gith. We'd all be scattered to the winds trying to solve this by ourselves if it weren't for you. Now that we're all aware of your… limitations we can plan accordingly."

"I agree, perhaps Wyll and I can stay beside you while the others take the battle to our foes," Gale suggested, settling beside you.

You started zoning out as everyone except Astarion talked battle tactics. No, you had focused on him, he was standing off to the side staring at you intently. You could almost see cogs turning in his head. You were snapped out of your daze when he finally spoke.

"By all means, keep the ilk away from our precious leader, just don't get in my way. I have no plans to change how I've been operating because it'd been working just fine until we rescued that pesky bear."

It wasn't long before you all set out again. You came across a priest of Loviatar called Abdirak. He had implored you to go through some sort of ritual pertaining to his goddess of pain and at Astarion's behest you acquiesced. Karlach voiced her disapproval, pointing out that you had only just recovered. Normally you'd try to avoid unnecessary pain but if there was a blessing to be had, you figured you could put on a show. And that you did, you made no effort to hold back your cries of pain as that maniac let loose with a gods damned mace. If you were being honest with yourself, you had been expecting a whip. You couldn't focus on the chatter behind you as the others commentated but you did hear amusement in Astarion and Shadowheart's voices. Needless to say, you promptly downed a couple of health potions after you received the blessing.

You cleared through another room of goblins, dispatching Priestess Gut in the process and taking her worm to shove in your pack. You hadn't quite made up your mind on if you should take the dream visitor's advice. The last thing you wanted to do was put your trust in them and end up a mind flayer faster. As the others looked through the possessions of the dead for anything useful, Astarion took you to one side.

"Darling, I was just thinking about you. Remembering our time together, the things we've shared - and I don't just mean that lovely neck of yours." He chuckled then glanced away briefly only to start fiddling with his fingers when he looked back to you, "I'm growing to like the whole package honestly. And you clearly like me too, so…"

You raised a brow and crossed your arms, "So…?"

"Come now, don't be coy. Your body's already given you away. I could feel it when I was getting lost in your neck." His fingers brushed just millimetres away from your throat, "Your little shivers of excitement. And that delicate blush you had just last night when I held you close. You enjoyed it, didn't you?"

He had crowded your space and you had to break eye contact so that the blush he was on about wouldn't return. Since when did you become so easily flustered? When did he start having this effect on you? You guessed you had always found him to be handsome but it shouldn't bring such a reaction from yourself.

"I'll never tell."

He gently grasped your chin and tilted your face to look at him, he was smirking like a cat who caught the canary, "You don't have to say a thing - I already know how you feel. Because I feel it too." His voice lowered and his thumb brushed along your bottom lip, smearing blood across it, "We could take an evening to ourselves. Get away from camp - get some privacy. I know somewhere quiet. Somewhere intimate. Somewhere we can…" He got impossibly closer, drawing you in with a hand on your hip, all you'd have to do is lean forward ever so slightly to close the distance, "indulge in each other. Feel alive together."

"A less trusting person might think this all sounds very suspicious," Dammit all! That came out sounding breathier than it had any right to!

Astarion gave a quiet laugh and stepped back, "Thank goodness we're all such good, trusting friends, then." He placed a hand over his heart, "On my honour, the only thing on my mind is depraved, carnal lust."

You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat, "Th-that sounds pretty good to me."

He gave you a toothy grin, "Wonderful. I just hope we don't have to wait too long to steal away. But once we can, I promise you a night you'll never forget. See you there, lover." He gave you a wink and promptly joined the others, making over-the-top pleased sounds when he found a golden goblet.

You leaned back against a wall, hand over your chest as you felt your heart thud and pause, literally skipping a beat. This man had already been the death of you once, and he might just be again if the last of the goblins weren't. Shadowheart noticed you in the corner and came over.

"We can take a short rest if you need it. We'll understand. Lae'zel can complain all she wants. I'd be more than happy to gag her for you."

You shot her a small grin, "I'd appreciate that. Now that the druid has been rescued and fucked off back to his bloody Grove, we can take this at our own pace."

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You couldn't steal away that night, far too tired from Volo's botched attempt at removing the tadpole and slaughtering the last of goblins in the camp as none seemed to have the sense just to run the fuck away. Sleep took you as soon as you settled for the night but your dream was unusual. The visitor returned and yet again urged you to utilise the tadpoles you had collected from the slain goblin leaders. However, this being had claimed to be stopping the ceramorphosis from progressing as it should. So you were perplexed as to why they would want you to consume more. You awoke, confused and uneasy. A feeling which was compounded when the others came to you, describing a similar experience.

Astarion sat next to you, wordlessly passing you the hearty celebratory breakfast Gale had cooked up. You accepted it with a smile. You could feel the tension that had built between you from his proposition, you had always been a little awkward about… sexual encounters. Not many people want to be bedfellows with a necromancer and thus although you had experience, it wasn't much or recent. So you didn't really know how to talk to someone about it. Astarion, however, didn't suffer from the same anxieties as you.

"I think we should take the day to recouperate, especially with Volo unfortunately mutilating one of your lovely eyes. Though the replacement he supplied has its perks, I imagine that kind of… trauma needs some time to recover from. Perhaps we could visit that Ethel in her cottage. The teiflings aren't in any immediate danger, the Rite of Thorns will have been stopped by that bear of an elf Halsin." He tapped his finger on his chin, pantomiming being in thought, "Now, providing that the 'Dream Visitor' doesn't reappear tonight, perhaps you and I can enjoy a little death." He practically purred those last two words, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, "Figuratively speaking."

The implication of what he said was not lost on you and it took all your will not to hide your face behind your hands as your flush finally appeared at full force. Even your ears felt warm! You struggled to respond, mouth opening and closing uselessly.

"That is if you still want to…" His hand dropped away, he actually looked unsure for once.

"O-of course! I uh- I'm just… not used to uh," you gestured between the two of you, "this kind of thing. Usually, there's a tavern involved, some alcohol and ends with disappointment."

He threw his head back, barking out a laugh. When he met your gaze again, there was something in his eyes you couldn't quite place, an unknown warmth was your best guess in hindsight. "I've been there, Darling. I know exactly what that's like. This is yet another first for me. But trust me when I say, a night with me will leave you far far more than simply satisfied."

Your hands flew up to your face as you held back whatever noise it was trying to escape you. He chuckled and you peered at him through parted fingers, he was grinning ear to ear at the effect he had on you.

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Auntie Ethel was a wash. She was a hag! An actual fucking hag! And she lost all interest in helping you when she saw you only had one eye remaining. There was a suggestion of one of your motley crew offering up theirs, but you weren't about to make them give up a goddamn eye to a creature as vile as a hag. And poor Mayrina, you couldn't stand aside and let her be swindled by the thing. Especially after you had found Mayrina's brothers dead in the swamp. You informed the poor girl of such and the hag had whisked her away. The ensuing battle was hell and you counted your blessing that no one accidentally killed the lass when the hag took her form.

So back you camp you went, still parasite-ridden.

You spent the lead-up to dinner organising your supplies in your camp chest, Karlach kindly offered to help as she found empty backpacks and trunks to organise things into before putting those into the magiced chest. Astarion's pottering about didn't escape your notice. He was gathering pillows and blankets from his tent and strolling into the woods with them only to return empty-handed a short while later and grab something else to disappear with. On his third trip, he caught your eye and flashed you a smirk and a wink. You almost dropped the bottle of dye you had been holding.

"Careful soldier, don't imagine you want custard yellow shoes," Karlach chuckled.

"Yeah, certainly not." You hastily put the dye in the appropriate satchel and then looked to Karlach who had a shit-eating grin.

"I saw that wink, have plans with a certain pale elf, do we? Can't say I blame ya. I would ride him to the Feywild and back if I had half the chance. And you too, until you were seeing stars. But sadly, I can't unless ya want to get third-degree burns in awkward places."

You choked on your own spittle. Was everyone around you so forward? Or were you simply the prudish one of the bunch?

"Thanks for the ah… compliment. To be honest, I'm out of my depth with this kind of, how to put it, entanglement. But he seems well versed in it. Like it's his forte I guess. Honied words and fleeting touches."

Karlach shuffled on her knees to face you fully, "All the better I'd say, who better to help ya blow off some steam and let loose than a master? Tell ya what, how about I give you some pointers and stuff? Before I was sent to Avernus and had this thing," she gestured to the engine, "put inside me, I used have the ladies and fellas wrapped around my fingers. If you catch my drift." Karlach wiggled her brows and you laughed, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders.

"I'd like that. I could use the pep talk."

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The rest of the day passed quickly with Karlach imparting as much of her bedroom wisdom onto you as possible. And by the time Gale called everyone to dinner, your nerves were at ease. You had to force yourself not to rush through your meal as excitement filled you. Once done, you wished everyone a peaceful night before making your way through the woodlands in the direction you saw Astarion go multiple times that day, the final time being only moments earlier.

For a brief second, you were worried you had gotten lost until you saw his ruffled shirt hanging from a nearby tree branch. And then he was stepping out from behind it. You gulped, he was utterly beautiful haloed by the moonlight. Maybe he was a moon elf before he was turned?

"There you are," He was a vision of grace as he approached you, of elegance even when partially dressed as he was and surrounded by nature, "I've been waiting. Waiting since the moment I set eyes on you. Waiting to have you."

You couldn't help the quip that left your lips, "Since you set eyes on my neck, you mean? You don't have me yet, 'Star." The memory of your first encounter coming to mind.

He chuckled lowly and shook his head, "Don't I? You're here. And I don't think you want to talk." His hand trailed up your arm, "I think you want to be known." His hand cupped your cheek, his other on your hip - once again pulling you into him, "To be tasted."

You gulped, "A…And what do you want?"

He gave a wry smile, "What do any of us want? Pleasure. Yours. Mine. Our Collective ecstasy." He absentmindedly stroked your cheek, "That's what you want, isn't it? To lose yourself in me?"

You leaned into his touch, "I want to forget about everything. I want to live."

"Then tonight, Darling, let's live to our fullest."

His lips were on yours in an instant.

[gaygodlywriting]

♡ Binnies Boobies ♡

• Pairing - Seo Changbin x Trans!M!Reader (M as in MALE, fem readers DNI)

• Genre - Angst + Fluff

• Warnings - Dysphoria, mention of surgery, scars, slight nudity ig, light swearing, you touch one of Binnies boobs

• Word Count - 1,248

• Writer - Felix

• Summary - After taking a shower, you find yourself staring at the mirror or more specifically, at the scars on your chest. Changbin comes in after not hearing anything from the bathroom in a while, and he finds a way to comfort you through another hit of dysphoria.

• A/N - First fic 💪, also reader is meant to be older then Changbin and taller then him (cause I'm taller and I feel like it fits more idk 😭)

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The knob for the hot water makes that annoying, loud, and squeaky noise it always does when you close the tap, ending the very long shower you had just took. You reach outside of the shower and grab the towel on top of the shelf, stepping out of the shower as you begin to start drying your hair. Probably not the safest idea, but you survived.

After getting your hair a bit more dry so it at least isn't dripping ice cold water down your back, you wrap the towel around your waist and make your way towards the sink, which happened to have a very large mirror right above it. Unfortunately, you and mirrors don't get along very well.

You had never been able to handle mirrors, even when you were a kid. Something always felt... off, whenever you looked in a mirror—or any reflective surface—as if the person you were looking at was a complete stranger. Even now, when you finally discovered who you truly were, you sometimes still felt like you're looking at a stranger. And, of course, when you finally look up and lock eyes with yourself in the mirror, the feeling comes back.

Well, you didn't necessarily lock eyes with yourself. You more so stared at the two scars on your chest from the surgery you had gotten about two years ago—the surgery that removed two certain body parts that were preventing you from being who you truly are. It was supposed to help you feel more comfortable and content in your body. But, so far, that hasn't happened. Not once. In fact, it's done the opposite. It's just made you feel like shit. Especially now, as you stare at the scars, reminded of the fact that you had to get surgery in order to get a flat chest instead of being born in the correct body.

An overwhelming amount of thoughts start to flood your head. Why do I have these scars? Why couldn't I have been born a boy? Why do I have to get surgeries and hormone therapy to be who I'm meant to be? Why am I not a real boy? Why do I have to be this way? Why was I born this way? Why do I deserve this? Why did I get the surgeries? Why do there have to be scars?

You couldn't focus on anything except staring at the scars, and the deafening sound of the thoughts in your head. You never noticed when your boyfriend, Changbin, knocked on the bathroom door before walking into the bathroom. He hadn't heard anything from the bathroom for quite a while, and he was concerned that you had gotten hurt or something. He had been knocking for about two minutes before deciding to go in. When he noticed you just standing there, staring into the mirror, he was confused at first.

"Y/N-hyung?" You give no reaction, as if you didn't hear him. "Hyung?" He tries again, this time walking up to stand next to you. "Hyung, are you okay?"

You don't react when he places his hand on your shoulder, just staring blankly at your chest in the mirror. By the way Changbin gently shakes your shoulder, you take a guess he's going to speak again. You cut him off before he opens his mouth. "Scars..." Your voice comes out just barely above a whisper. Changbin can hardly hear it, but even then, he can hear the slight pain in your voice. "Why do there have to be scars...?"

He immediately knows what you're talking about. It isn't the first time you've gone through this; and it most definitely won't be the last. However, although this isn't the first time Changbin has tried to help you, it's still a rather new thing he's not quite used to yet.

You had warned him, when you and him decided to make your relationship official, that things like this happened a lot with you. You had also said that he doesn't have to try and help you through it, you usually were able to handle it on your own, but he insisted he would be there for you whenever you needed him. Whenever Changbin had even a passing thought that you might be feeling bad about yourself, he always reminded you to please, please tell him so he can be there for you. But, of course, you never did. You always felt like a burden whenever you even attempted to reach out for help, it didn't matter to who it was.

"Hyung," Changbin starts, "come on, don't think like that." He looks around for a moment, as if making sure no one else was around. "Here."

Your eyes widen a bit when you notice your boyfriend beginning to take off his shirt. "Changbin, what the hell are you doing?"

Once he has fully taken off his shirt, he turns towards you a serious expression yet a silly grin on his face. "Look, I have boobs!" Changbin exclaims rather excitedly, tossing his shirt aside and spreading his arms so his chest is on full display. "They're huge too! And guess what?"

You can't help the small grin that makes its way to your face, no matter how hard you had tried to hide it. "What?"

Changbin smiles once again. "I'm still a man! No matter how big or small my boobies are, it doesn't make me any less of a man!"

You couldn't help but burst out laughing when Changbin said 'boobies'. "Oh, my God, Binnie-"

"Your chest is more flat then mine! Here, look," he moves to stand right next to you, lining up so the different sizes of your chests were prominent. "Touch one of my boobs, feel the difference!"

You raise an eyebrow at him. "Seriously?"

He nods. "Yeah! I don't mind!"

You can't help but laugh a bit, grinning at him as you reach a hand out to sort of lightly grip at Changbin's pec. "Okay, yeah, your boobs are huge."

Changbin grins up at you. "Told you. Plus, you have those cool battle scars on your chest! I want cool scars."

Your boyfriend smiles proudly when he hears you laugh rather loudly at his response. When he notices you had calm down just enough so you weren't moving very much, he takes his first opportunity to wrap his arms around your waist and bury his head in your shoulder. You were a bit caught off-guard at first, but soon hugged him back.

"I love you, Y/N, I love you. I'm here for you, whenever you need it, no matter what. Please don't forget it. Please tell me when you feel bad, physically or mentally. I want to help you, no matter what it is. Please let me help you."

It was odd. For the first time in your life, you got the feeling that you could trust him—believe what he said. You've heard the same and similar words said to you by your past boyfriends and past friends, never once have you believed them or trusted them. At least, you never trusted them as quick or as much as you trust Changbin right now, and you never believed them as quickly as you believe him. "Okay... I promise." You can't see it, but you know he's smiling.

After a few more moments of the hugging, you lightly nudge him away. "Alright, could you go back to the bedroom so I can get changed now?"

Changbin smiles. "Of course."

[rinbowaman]

Heethans reaction to readens miscarriage??? I know it's not the best topic and I'll completely understand if you don't want to write about it<3

"Baby's Breath..."

Warnings: Miscarriage, torment, trauma, depression, fluff, overcoming trauma, learning to move forward.

.............

Pacing back and forth in the room, you wait for him to come back from the store. It normally took him only ten minutes to make a trip, which was perfect considering you've been aching to confirm a gut feeling you've been having, all triggered by certain events that took place.

The last three weeks have been torture, painful in fact. You didn't tell him, since you knew he would have become worried and overwhelming with his sincere affection for you. You weren't sick....at least, not from the viral plagues known to man, instead, you were sick from everything else. Food, your favorites in fact, all made you sick. Scents from candles and plug ins, which had never bothered you, were now something that you couldn't stand and caused you raging headaches. Being in a car, riding along with him by your side, was becoming a triggering event that caused you to become nauseas. Suddenly it hit you one day, while you were in class, when out of nowhere you hurriedly excused yourself from class and rushed into the bathroom, and was ridden over the sink for who knows how long....despite you not eat at all for days following it, you managed to throw up whatever was left in your gut and that's when it began to hit you.

"Am......am I.....pregnant?"

You couldn't be. At least, there was no way. You were always careful to take your birth control pills, yet due to a shortage, you weren't able to actively take it for weeks, but you still couldn't be....not after taking those Plan B pills that you had obtained with the help of H/N. But what if......just what if.....?

So you obtained a pregnancy test, and have been waiting to use it.

............

"Pretty baby, you wanna come to the store?"

"Um...i'm good, i'll wait here for you. I'm going to take a quick shower."'

"Okay, stay here, i'll have the doors locked and my housemates are all downstairs. I'll be back in ten minutes. Don't leave the room."

"Okay."

.............

The moment he left, you made haste and used the test strip. Waiting after wiping the handle clean, your timer finally sets off and you hurried back into the bathroom to view the result.

......."two bars.....that.....the box says that that......oh my God...."

You slowly fall to your knees as your hands rest on the ledge of the counter. It was positive, you were indeed pregnant.

"What am I going to do?....I haven't finished college...I just started....what are my parents going to say?"

Worrying about everything around you, the one and only person you didn't have to be concerned for, was Heeseung. Though he hardly ever expressed his emotions in being a father, aside from looking at impregnating and creating children with you as a symbol of his love for you, a product of your union with him, which would escalate his happiness more than anything, he never really did outline any detailed traits on fatherhood. It was all just merely for the sake of reflecting that you indeed belonged to him.

Walking back over to the bed, you laid down and cradled into a slight fetal position, feeling confused and scared.

"What's going to happen? Is everything going to be okay?"

Hearing his car pull up, you felt the dreadful sense of hearing Heeseung walking in the house, saying hello to his frat mates downstairs before walking up and reaching for the knob. Entering the room, he quietly makes his way over as he sets the bag down on the floor next to the bed, and leans in to caress your face.

"Whats wrong pretty baby? Tired?" He asks sincerely as he notes you laying, yet you were widely awake.

"mm....no...not really.....well..i am actually i just...." You found yourself stuttering and stumbling on your words, not making any sense as he chuckles. "What's wrong baby? Do you want some juice? You need some sugar in your system or do you want to go to sleep early tonight?" his voice was deep yet so tender as he considered all options to bring you to comfort.

".....He-Heeseung......"

"What is it beautiful?"

Reaching up and over his lap, you pull out the drawer to his nightstand and retrieve the test. Handing it to him, you let him observe it for a second before elaborating the meaning behind the results.

"Two bars means........it means......."

"......You're pregnant...." he finishes, as he raises his head and views you with those deep and dark lustful eyes, peering from under he bill of his cap. He neither smiled nor frowned, just looked completely neutral and dazed in his gaze for you.

The moment he said his piece, you broke down and started to sob hard, and uncontrollably.

"Hey, heeeeeeey. Whats wrong? Come here pretty." holding you, he presses his lips atop your head. The oversized tee shirt you wore, which had belonged to him, shrinks up and fits you like a small mini dress as he tugs on your frame and pulls you in against his chest.

"I....I....what am I going to do? I'm not finished with school.....I'm......what about my parents? What am I going to do?"

"Shhhhh...." stroking and petting your head, he deeply whispers....

"First off, not 'I'.....its 'we'.....and I'm going to tell you what WE are going to do.....we're going to be happy." kissing your forehead as he leans your face against his shoulder, he keeps his face turned over towards you as he mumbles against the thatch of your hair covering your ear. "We're going to be just fine. Your parents are going to be happy for us, and I'm going to take care of you. We're going to live life and enjoy the fruits of our labor, even if it is in the form of a baby boy....or girl. Haven't I already made it obvious that I'm always here to make your life easier? Hmm?" moving the pieces of subtle strands away from your cheek, he lays a tender, soft kiss as he mumbles against your skin. "Everything is going to be fine no matter what...I'm excited.....but I would like for you to be as well.....so if you need to take a moment...maybe a day or two to settle, then that's fine. But I promise things are going to work out."

Suddenly hearing his words...his deep tone and the softness in his meaning, you started to feel better......in fact you began to feel excited, and happy. In the end, he was right, your parents were happy, things were fine as he helped plan out your enrollment periods so you could continue to do school online for when the time came you could no longer attend classes on campus. He did make things easier. As always, he made you feel warm, loved, and he did everything right.......if only you had done so right from the start.

................................

Weeks right before you were scheduled to find out the gender of your baby, you felt the happiest. It was so amazing, the feeling and knowing that there was something growing inside, something that was a part of you, and Heeseung. It was forming, growing, and taking after the both of you. Heeseung's seed, his child, his baby, developing and taking nutrients from your body, as you continued to replenish your vitamin intake and focused on making it as healthy as possible. The baby you had formed a close bond, a loving and nurturing relation with, had continued to grow. But when you began feeling sharp pains in your stomach, initially you felt that it was just the weight of your healthy baby growing strong, yet the constant aches grew more and more. Fortunately tomorrow you were to go to your follow up to not only find out the gender, but you could also address your issues with your doctor.

But fate had other plans.....that caused devastation and turmoil in your heart and soul.

..................

"..mmm...mm......AAAH!!!!"

Shooting up and immediately grabbing onto you, Heeseung wakes up to a blood curling scream as you lay next to him.

"Y/n, whats wrong?" Grabbing his phone, he shines the flashlight over you and scans the entire room. "Whats wrong?" leaning over, he whispers into your cheek, thats when he noticed the beads of sweat on your face, your hair damp and your breathing escalating. Lord only knew just how scared he was at that moment. Without even delaying and asking any more questions, he knew he had to get you to the hospital. Jumping out of bed, he throws on a tee shirt, not even bothering changing out of his sweat pants and places on his cap as he migrates back over to the bed to help you out. Flipping the blankets off, he froze for a moment as he takes in the view of what was hiding under the covers. Blood.....so much blood......blotches of thick clots that raged deep red, staining the sheets and bedding.

One particular spot, where at first glance, looked to be a collection of sticky and bloody residue, yet upon closer look as he grabbed his phone and flashed the light over, he saw the one and only thing you had been bonding with for the last 15 weeks.....

Sighing in defeat, brushing his hand over his mouth as he stroked the lining of his lips briefly, he acted fast, all so you wouldn't notice. Taking his shirt off, he gently, yet quickly, collects the product of his love for you and wraps it delicately. Taking a quick glance at you, he brushes the hair away from your face and sets the child aside. Despite it not fully formed, still having a long way to go, yet will sadly never see the day where it would see light and the face of its beautiful mother, it was still.....a child....his child...your child......your baby.

He puts on a new shirt, and collects you, handling you softly as he helps you into his car, and drives you to the Emergency Room. You dipped in and out of conciousness as you vaguely remember the car ride, checking into the hospital, and the nurses dressing you into the patient gown. As soon as you were settled in and laid sleeping, hooked up to numerous IV's as the hospital staff pumps fluids and vitamins to your body, Heeseung remained by your side.

A nurse comes in to conduct the initial examination, prior to the doctors arrival.

"Okay, i'm just going to check on some vitals real quick......can you tell me what the symptoms were again?"

Looking at the woman's face, dead straight on, he doesn't say a word, at least, not with his voice, or his lips.....he spoke with his eyes as he firmly, and sternly locks on a gaze with the nurse, as he quietly and calmly, hands her the fruit of his love for you, all still delicately wrapped up in his t-shirt. Bloodied and stained, his hands appear rusty as the blood starts to dry out and become brown in color. Receiving his stare, the nurse grew intimidated and fearful as she watched the man raise a brow, displaying an eerie and harsh stare as he gestures for her to take the small bundle.

Taking it, the nurse gently holds it close as she takes her pen and notepad, and steps out, not even bothering to force the issue of gaining information. The man's eyes told her all she needed to know, in order to relay to the doctor.

...................

Waking up to the over cast of bright, florescent lighting that beamed into your face, you whimper as you shot up, immediately placing your hands over your stomach. Noting that the small, round bump that had molded in the last few months, was suddenly no longer there, you shook as you began to sob. God, never have you cried so hard....never have you felt that you lost something until now. All those moments when you thought back to the times when you lost your favorite pen, your key chains, your necklace, your shoes, or your favorite photos from your childhood........all those times when you were upset over the loss of things that you held dear...those material things.....you now realized that what you had felt those times....were not loss....this....this right now......this was loss. This was losing. This was losing grip, watching something so dear to you....disappear.....never having the chance to grant it it's first breath, the very thing you had dreamed of whenever you were rubbing your tummy as you read your books and did your homework assignments.

The sound of the door behind the privacy curtains could be heard gently opening and closing. Walking through, you saw Heeseung as he stood tall and sets his gaze on you, his face, was calm, neutral, and staring at you with heavy lids.

"........I.....I lost it.......didn't I?.......I lost.....I lost my baby.....!" at the last bit of your sentence, you feigned a smile as you began to sob uncontrollably, your cheeks drenched with tears.

He remained calm and composed as he walked over to your side, sat next to you and leaned in over you, pressing his lips against your forehead, where they remained, despite you shaking from the hard cries as you dispel your whimpering and depressing sighs of defeat.

"You didn't lose anything......you didn't lose your baby." he softly speaks against your skin. Looking up at him, you furrowed your brows in despair as your tears continued to stream down. "You didn't lose our baby.......please understand...."

Looking off to the side for just a moment, he sighs out as he turns his glance back at you, and softly smirks with a look of sympathy to accompany it. His words that followed suit, was something you didn't know you needed to hear....ever.....but just as usual, despite his overbearing flaws, all due to his love for you, Heeseung came through when you needed him to.....

"Baby.....you did great.....you did wonderful. You were a good mommy.....you were a wonderful mommy......and you would have continued to be the best mommy in the world. Its just....our baby wasn't ready to come into this world......he wasn't ready to be born. Not because of anything you did......because of you, our baby boy thrived and was happy....he was peaceful......he got to know his mommy and saw how much she loved him. He was content with that.....it just wasn't his time......but that doesnt mean he wont be back.....his body might have given up on him, but his soul is still searching for the right time....when he can come and see us."

Stroking your cheek, he caresses your skin as he softly widens his eyes and looks at you with such love and adoration you desperately needed. It took a while.....it took much longer than you would have liked to overcome the series of depression when you recalled the feeling of the pain you felt in your gut that night.

It took a while.....but in the end, Heeseung......the love of your life, was right yet again.......so right. Your baby boy did come back, years later.

He came back with a stronger, much healthier body, and the first moment you kissed his face upon hearing his strong, loud cries in the delivery room, you knew it was your baby....your precious baby. Watching as your son flashes a gummy gape as he cries out under the bright lighting, you rub the tip of your nose and smell his breath. This...this was the moment you waited for.....for so long......the moment where your baby returned to you.....

"Sweet son of mine....I've waited to see you for so long......its so good to see you again......so healthy...so strong......I've missed you so much....I'm sorry we had to say goodbye so early the last time....but now that you're here, i promise we'll make up for all the time that was delayed. I promise to play and laugh with you, and to be the cause of your happiness and strength. I promise that you're going to be alright this time, now that you're here....my sweet, sweet boy......."

Standing off to the side, with his arms crossed and admiring the view, Heeseung smirks. He was thrilled, but contained himself to allow you to have your cherishing moment, knowing that it was long overdue.

"Name our boy, and be happy y/n. You always did so well.....and you continue to do well.....so rest easy and be loved by me and our son. Nothing was lost......just misplaced.....yet found again."

Authors note: Did anyone else cry? I got a bit glossy eyed on this one, ngl, it was so heartbreaking but also heartwarming. I feel like Heethan (despite being an asshole sometimes) really helps teach us valuable lessons and how to cope.

Enjoyed this piece? Show love and treat your girl to a cup of coffee. ♥️ 

☕ Ko-fi: ko-fi.com/reinbow

[thenightfolknetwork]

Due to a combination of bad genes and bad luck, I suffer from various physical and mental difficulties and pains. Technically I count as disabled, but the term has never felt right for me; it doesn't FEEL like the problem is in my body and brain, even though I know it is, it feels more like the world rearranges itself to be just a bit harder for me than for other people. This isn't something I've talked about much, it's always seemed like it would be horribly rude, plus I have more important issues to work on with my therapist than "how much a particular word does or does not match how I parse my subjective experience".

Then I came across an expression, and for the first time, something felt like it fit. "Cursed by a wizard". It's not that I lose energy quickly, it's that I've been cursed with fatigue; to give one example. I know it's not literally true. Even aside from my diagnoses and symptoms and treatments, a year or so back I got screened as part of a workplace health and safety initiative, and no curses. Still, it's not like the language we use is literally true all of the time; expressions exist for a reason.

You know how it is, whenever you find something cool and new, you want to share it with everyone. Nobody else cared as much as I did, of course, but general reactions were polite, "I'm glad you've found something that works for you". Except for one person, who immediately got a Look on her face -- the kind you get when a foreigner says a word they don't know is a slur over here, or when someone bad-mouths a person they don't realize is nearby -- and changed the subject.

I'm not going to change how I think about myself. "Cursed by a wizard" is a useful mental framework. However, my question is whether it should stay solely within my own mind. I'm worried now that it might be insensitive to people who've actually been cursed, or to wizards.

Thank you for getting in touch, reader. I have one small point to make regarding the start of your letter, particularly regarding the word “disabled”.

To be clear, you are absolutely entitled to your own personal relationship with the term, and I don't mean to suggest that you need to adopt it if you don't feel it reflects your experience. However, I don't agree that “the problem” is in your body and brain. It is, as you say, in the way the world is arranged to make life that much more difficult for you.

A framing I have seen from some disability activists is to speak of themselves as disabled by society, rather than by their condition. They don't consider disability to be a trait in and of itself, but a condition put upon them by an ableist society.

I don't know if this framing is a helpful one for you personally, and as I said, I don't wish to tell you how you “ought” to describe yourself. But I wanted to mention it as a possible alternative way of thinking, in case it proves useful to you.

But that, I know, was not the point of your letter. Unfortunately, reader, I don't have a clear cut answer for you. People who have been cursed are not a uniform group – neither their experiences, nor the way they speak about those experiences, are identical.

The fact is, yes, some people will be offended by your use of “the wizard's curse” to describe your experiences. Others will find it an expressive, even entertaining way of viewing your situation.

You also run the risk that some people will simply not understand the metaphorical nature of your statement, so please be prepared for those well-meaning folk who hear this and immediately start recommending salt baths and smoke cleanses.

I can reassure you that this is not a term that carries any particular historical reason to avoid its usage – it isn't comparable to such out-dated idioms as referring to public outcry as a “witch hunt” or the use of the phrase “Frankenstein's monster” when speaking of a messy, difficult situation, and implicitly associating reanimation with negativity and failure.

Instead, it is rather like the English language use of the word “slimy” to mean “dishonest” or “morally corrupt”. Certainly some people see the usage as offensive, but it isn't actually rooted in any specific anti-liminal sentiment and those voices are the minority.

In fact, some people argue that it is more offensive to assume “slimy” must somehow be associated with people of viscosity. But I think we are getting rather into the weeds of what is, to be honest, a largely online debate with very little real-world application.

In short, reader, it is up to you how you proceed. You need to decide for yourself whether you're comfortable with the ambiguity of your language and with the diverse ways you may be interpreted.

There are rarely any clear cut answers on the topic of language, and it may be that your feelings on the matter change over time. But the fact remains that only you can decide how best to describe yourself, and only you have the power to make this decision.

[kisses-for-you]

Feelings - Gar Logan

Gar Logan X GN!Reader

Summary: Gar wants to know why you're acting differently around him. One thing leads to another and you end up confessing.

Word Count: 1,043

Lately, you've found yourself purposefully avoiding Gar, acting colder towards him too. You know why but Gar doesn't. You've developed feelings for him, feelings that friends shouldn't have for each other.

One evening, a knock echoes through your fairly quiet room. As the door creaks open, your eyes land on Gar. His eyes lock onto yours, a palpable hurt reflected in his gaze. "Y/N, why have you been avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?" Gar asks.

You look up at him, fake confusion spreading across your features. Obviously, you know what he's talking about but you're not necessarily in the mood to talk about it right now. So you're just going to pretend that you don't know. You can feel your heart racing in your chest as you stare at Gar. You ask, "Avoiding you? What do you mean, Gar?"

"You've been acting different around me," Gar replies. He pauses, staring at you intently, clearly picking up on the fact that you know exactly what he's talking about. "It's like every time I try to talk to you, you find some sort of excuse to leave," he continues. "Why? Do you hate me?"

An awful pang of guilt hits you. The fact that he doesn't know that you have feelings for him is crushing. You sigh as you look away, contemplating what your next words should be. Should you tell him the truth? Should you lie? You decide to go with the latter. It feels like the easier option right now.

Your eyes lock on his, never breaking eye contact as you say, "You're right. I hate you." It's a painful act, but the fear of exposing your true feelings keeps you committed to the charade.

Gar stares at you in shock, his expression twisting into a hurt he's never felt before. A hurt so raw, you can practically see it in his eyes. When he finally speaks, his voice sounds broken and distant. "Oh. Okay. I see. I understand," he says with a faint smile, sounding as if he was just told by the person he loves most in the world that they hate him. He then turns around and walks out of your room.

As the door closes behind him, the silence is deafening. You never considered the possibility that your lie would hurt Gar so much. Your body slumps to the floor. Seeing Gar like that shattered your heart into a million little pieces.

Out of frustration and sadness, you shout, "Fuck!" You bury your head in your hands, sobbing. Someone's probably heard you by now but you don't care anymore. You feel a surge of emotion wash over you. Feelings of hurt, guilt and regret for hurting Gar in such a way.

Suddenly, the doorknob begins to turn, the door opening slowly. With red, teary eyes, you look up. Is it Gar? Or is that just wishful thinking on your part?

The door opens revealing Gar. He steps inside, shutting the door behind him. In a moment, he's beside you on the floor. Not a word has been spoken but he doesn't need to say anything. In a heartbeat, he pulls you into a bear hug. The comfort of Gar's embrace and his warmth soothe your soul, your worries and fears melting away for a few fleeting seconds. You rest your head on his chest and close your eyes, breathing in deeply.

You look up at him, slightly pulling away. His eyes are reddened from tears. He's been crying and you're afraid you might have broken his heart. The worry and concern on his face nearly cause you to break down once again. How could this man carry so much love and care for you? It's not fair. You don't deserve it.

Your voice barely above a whisper, you say, "Why, Gar? I told you that I hate you." A pained expression spreads across your face as you think back to what you told him and how much it hurt him. Gar gently wipes away a tear from your cheek and says, "I don't believe you. There's something you're not telling me, and I want to know the truth."

You take a deep breath, the fear of confessing your true feelings almost paralysing you. As you meet his gaze, you mumble, "I... I don't hate you, Gar. It's just... complicated."

He searches your eyes, a mixture of confusion and hurt still present in his own. "Complicated how?" he asks, his voice tender but firm.

The room feels suffocating, and you struggle to find the right words. You shake your head slightly, saying, "I don't want to ruin our friendship," you admit, avoiding direct eye contact. "I don't want things to change between us. But if I tell you then they might."

Gar's expression softens, and he cups your face gently, making you meet his gaze. "Y/N, whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise."

Your heart pounds in your chest. "I... I like you, Gar. As more than a friend."

The sound of your confession takes Gar by surprise. His eyes light up, his heart fluttering in his chest. This is exactly the response he wanted to hear, yet at the same time, he had no idea if it was even a possibility. He wraps his arms around you tight, pulling your head close to his chest. He looks down at you with a smile spreading across his face.

"I've always felt the same way," he tells you. "I like you, Y/N. I always have," he says, before pulling you into a deep, long kiss.

You feel a surge of intense emotions as you lean into the kiss, wrapping your arms around Gar's neck. Your heart is racing, your body trembling and your thoughts are fuzzy. Gar's touch is so soft, so tender, it makes your heart pound even harder in your chest. The spark between you both grows stronger with each passing second, your connection to him deepening with each kiss.

As your lips part, you pull away for just a moment to catch your breath. The passion between you both is palpable. Your worries and fears are no longer weighing on your mind, as your attention is now solely focused on Gar.

[celecaster]

When it comes to schizoid stuff, do you ever feel this sense of "I just want to be sufficient so that others stop expecting things off me"? I haven't been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I have "mild" schizoid personality disorder and I resonate with a lot of the things you've said. But one thing is that for me, there's this constant feeling that I am just striving to like, complete all my "obligations" (including things like "be pretty") so that people can't conceivably want anything from me anymore, or if they did want something it would be unfair of them and I would be off the hook. Is this something you've experienced?

I've struggled mentally the past few years and really had to rely on some family members for support, and this aspect of it has been excruciating and unbearable.

Yes, that is exactly how I would describe it myself: in fact, that's one of the most common ways it's been described by other schizoids, and you see the sentiment reflected a lot in phenomenological case studies of schizoids.

It isn't something as clear-cut as explicit 'paranoia' where you believe people want something specific, or rather an action out of you. It's something more existential: the feeling that people don't merely want you to do something for them, but to be something.

| think it starts out because the initial reason why one feels 'love' is litigious and uncompromising is that when one feels chronically unwanted as a child, even when (or especially because) one is given physiological needs like food and shelter, it's easier to think that the emotional dissatisfaction one feels is a personal issue. That is, 'My caregivers provide for me so surely the problem isn't that they refuse to "love" me, but that I, as some flaw of my character, am "unloveable."'

It makes relationships feel like a constant struggle to keep 'earning' love, and it feels insatiable because the problem isn't as simple as doing or not doing the right things, but a problem of how one feels their own 'personhood' is structured. Like the problem with the relationship may not even be about the 'relationship' itself but the fact that it's you in it.

The desire to be perfect and beyond reproach makes one feel that it's now illogical to think the problem is yourself, as a person, is inherently unloveable. After all, you're perfect now! The problem has to be other people, who claim that love is 'unconditional' but are clearly still expecting things out of you!

And I think that's what makes the problem feel so insurmountable. When you feel like people want you to do something, you can respond: you feel like you can solve the problem by correcting your own behaviour. You have autonomy and control, you can find a way to compromise.

But when you feel like people want you to be something, it's an endless cycle because you can't actually be anybody but yourself. You can change your behaviours but it wouldn't matter because it's still you doing those things. Even when other people have reasonable expectations in relationships, even when they genuinely do like you, just the very feeling of another person 'wanting' something from you feels much too evocative of that original experience that made one believe that you're unwanted, and that your own attempts at 'love' and self-correction are meaningless in the face of your own hollow nature.

A way I used to describe it is that when one gets overwhelmed and flees (either physically or metaphorically), what one wants is the freedom to 'come back'. 'Coming back' is, from one's vantage point, an act of 'love', but when you do it other people tend not to celebrate you coming back, they just get angry at you for leaving. So the pain is twofold: it's not only that you feel like you've been criticised for doing something 'bad' (even when you feel like you had to do that to 'survive'), it also feels like what you did to prove your 'love' doesn't actually matter.

It reinforces the feeling that there is no amount of 'doing things right' that will make people care about you, only an endless sequence of avoiding fucking up. What you did to show you want to be closer to somebody is not only deliberately ignored but even actively punished, 'proving' once again that your own love is worthless and unwanted.

'Relationships' to me don't feel like an act of moving towards another person's love but instead of running away from their scorn: that the best relationship I can muster is not one where I am wanted but one where I am merely tolerated.

[mewtwoandme]

Welp, some last-minute plans were made, so I'm gonna be away for the weekend. I won't have much time to work on stuff. So how about we play a game? >:3

The majority of you know how this works, but in case some of you are new or new-er to this, here's the rules:

(I will be using numbers instead of emojis for this one because there are a lot of questions) Send the number of the question and the name of the character you want to ask.

(Example: Mewtwo #24)

These are the following characters that will be available for questions:

Mewtwo

Newtwo

Mew

Amber (be specific with either "child" or "teen/adult")

Blu (be specific with either "child" or "teen/adult")

Gwen

Lakota

Jay

Mandy

I'll also include my most common non-canon characters:

(Be specific with either "child" or teen/adult" for these 3)

Hugo

Emery

Sonya

Alrighty! Now, with all that out of the way. Enjoy yourselves and have fun! ^^

Do you have a driving dream or goal? What is it? How far would you go to achieve it?

What's the one thing that makes you angry? What's your temper like? How do you respond to people who make you mad?

Have you ever experienced desperation? How has it affected you? What do you do when something you need is out of your reach?

Do you believe in fate or destiny?

What's the greatest challenge you have overcome? How do you feel about it?

How well do you sleep? Do you have problems such as nightmares/sleep paralysis/insomnia/etc.

Do you have any comfort items?

If you had to pick one song to listen to for 10 hours straight, what would it be?

What is your pain threshold like? Will a stubbed toe take you down, or does it take something much more drastic?

Are you a binge watcher, or do you prefer to stretch shows out? What kind of shows do they like?

If you could only have one food for the rest of their life, what would it be?

Favorite food/drink?

Sweet or savory?

How do you like to unwind after a long day?

Would you consider yourself a lone wolf or a social butterfly?

Do you enjoy praise?

What is a secret you know but haven't told anyone

What are your quirks?

What mannerisms do you have when shy or nervous?

What is the most impulsive thing you've done?

Can you recall a time when you have been the most scared or fearful?

What would cause you to be petty or say something hurtful?

Would you consider yourself reckless or too cautious and/or paranoid?

Are you good or bad at lying?

What's a misconception people often make or think about you?

What's something people would find surprising about you?

What's something you get told all the time?

What is something people always tell you to do more of?

What is the one thing people assume about you that you wish wasn't true?"

How often do you put on a "happy face" when you're really not feeling it?

When do you think you began putting your guard up so much?

What do you find yourself justifying to people when no justification is needed?

Are people shocked when you stand up for yourself?

What emotion motivates you the most when you're feeling down?

Are you okay with disliking someone?

How do you cope with being betrayed?

What is your favorite way to channel your aggression?

Which parts of yourself do you still seek validation for?

What would you say is your biggest problem when communicating?

How do you make decisions? Would you say you rely on trusting your instincts and heart, or fact and logic?

How much respect do you have for authority?

What are your morals/ethics? Do you follow your moral code strictly?

How introspective are you, and how much do you self-reflect?

What event drastically changed your life? Do you resent that event, or are you glad of it?

How optimistic are you? Do you appreciate the smaller things in life?

Are you forgiving of yourself? How about others who have wronged you?

How do you deal with illness or pain? Would you soldier on with a broken arm or leg, or can a common cold put you out for days?

What is your fighting style?

Words or actions?

Are you the type of person who laughs when someone falls? Or would you rush to help?...or would you just walk past them with no reaction?

[pascaloverx]

Invisible Bonds: The Power of Destiny

Author's Note: This fanfic contains possible strong language and explores themes of unconventional love. The relationship between the protagonists will be handled with sensitivity, without explicit scenes. If there are explicit scenes, readers will be warned. This fanfic focuses on the reader's relationship with Jungkook and Taehyung, separately.

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Chapter Nine

The pain in your chest reflected the feeling you've been keeping inside all this time. I mean it's been practically a week since you kissed your best friend and ended a relationship non-existent with your soulmate. To say the first few days after your big argument with Jungkook were easy would be hypocritical.

In fact, you completely isolated yourself, afraid of what would happen if you saw each other. You felt embarrassed to face your friends, realizing that you had become the talk of the moment. You also hesitated to talk to Taehyung about what happened the last time you two were alone. All you were able to do was fall into a routine. Go to work, go to the market and come home. Every day the same thing without interacting with anyone. Are you careful not to go out to work At the same time that Jungkook is leaving, you avoid going to the market near where you live. You talk to your friends on the phone but refuse to go to their house. At this point you know what they will want to talk to you about. And until today, you've felt like you were handling everything well, even though it tugs at your heart being separated from Jungkook and avoiding Taehyung.

"You look terrible, Y/N." You heard a male voice approaching just as you were entering your apartment after a tiring day of work.You were about to ignore it, as you've been ignoring everything related to Jungkook, but then you dared to look ahead. Those dark eyes were incredibly teary, as if he had cried recently. That's when you remembered shedding tears on your way home, realizing the connection you both shared.

"Good evening, Mr. Jeon Jungkook. Thank you for the feedback. If you'll excuse me..." you say, trying to avoid looking at him again. Your hand trembles slightly from nervousness. The truth is, as Jungkook hasn't ended the connection between you two, every cell in your body wants to be with him. Close to him.

"I would love to do that with you but unfortunately I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to start the process of ending our connection. I know this will hurt on both sides of the call so I suggest..."Jungkook speaks with a firmness that almost hurts you. Doesn't he feel pain at the thought of not being your soulmate?

"I dismiss your suggestions. I just sincerely hope you suffer through this." You say getting closer to Jungkook. You're so angry that you don't even notice how close you are to him.

"I don't believe anything you're saying. Your mouth says one thing and your eyes say another." Jungkook speaks, increasing the proximity of the two of you. And for some reason you felt good, your heart he seemed to have calmed down with your proximity.

"Believe what you want. Soon you'll do us a favor and separate us forever. Each one going their own way." You say looking at Jungkook who immediately kisses you. Such a surprising kiss that you don't even know how to react. You only respond to the kiss because you don't have the strength to fight it.

"Believe it or not, I'm doing what's best for both of us." Jungkook says as soon as he breaks the kiss. You don't even have time to say anything, he just goes away. You then start to feel tears running down your face. And an immeasurable pain inside you. You sit in front of your apartment letting the tears come out, convincing yourself that everything you feel for Jungkook will disappear. You take your cell phone from your bag and dial the number of the person you usually call when you need support.

"Can you come stay with me?" You talk on the phone, figuring that if you're going to go through all this pain, you're going to need someone by your side.

"There's no other place in the world I'd rather go to. I'll be there in about ten minutes." Taehyung speaks on the other end of the line. You then turn off your cell phone and wait for him to arrive. Knowing that this is the end of your brief connection with Jungkook.

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐜

Minho x reader

Warnings: ED, don't read if mentions of eating disorders could trigger you please don't. Throwing up, angst, comfort (i just want to tell you all you're really freaking pretty and awesome).

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

"trust me, why don't you just trust me? You're the only beauty, show me more."

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

Minho loved you, he loved everything you did just as much too, he loved watching you speak, he loved watching you smiling at the things you liked, he loved the way your eyes shimmered brightly when you looked at him...and just everything.

But minho specially loved watching you eat, he knew your relationship with food wasn't the best but you had been doing better and so maybe he thought letting it go wouldn't do anything bad.

But minho didn't need to specially know that comments like "she's so thin", "she's so pretty", "i wish i was like her" only ever drove you to edge, he thought that maybe you'd feel better about yourself if you heard such stuff.

What he didn't know was the looming darkness enveloping your head in a warmth that'd slowly burn your body into nothing but bones.

He didn't know the haunting silence that made it's way to your heart as loud screeches as you stared at your reflection, it appeared you could never see the beauty minho carried in his head, the beauty you were.

Your fingertips trailing your collarbones as you breathes in a sharp sigh, knuckles so cleary visible only you could see the thickness that blinded your view, you were getting unhealthily thin.

Minho had been out for a month and you felt horrible for being like this, you weren't a kid he should have to arrange meals for, to make sure you ate well, you weren't.....you never wanted to be a burden to him.

And it didn't help as you walked your way to work, after 3 days, too scared to show your face anywhere.

Summer had recently started and you hated the fact you had to show your body to people, open for them to judge. So you wore a thin oversized and full sleeved shirt, a lose pair of pants to hide the shape of your body.

But it was to no avail.

"you're getting too thin, y/n! You need to gain weight.." a coworker of yours mumbled and you could already feel the one bite you took coming up your throat. "Y-yeah?" You chuckled awkwardly as they went on and on about what you should and what you shouldn't do.

God you wanted to die, you had barely eaten 5 bites and you already felt so full, but you were scared.

Scared that if you stop eating they'd pick on you again and so you ate, only to sit in the toilet 15 mins later, throwing up everything you had.

Forcing your fingers in your throat as you bit down hard, throwing up everything you've had since morning, a dull ache followed through your tummy to chest, the back of your throat and tongue aching as if you had been beaten down.

Your jaw felt stiff and painful as you got up, shivering as you saw a woman standing near the sink with a worried expression.

"A-are you okay?" She whispered cautiously and you mustered up the best smile you could, "yeah ofc! Just had something bad for lunch so my stomach acted up hahaha don't worry!" You cheerfully explained.....well as cheerfully as you could...

"okay..." She stuttered still a bit suspicious but you laughed and left, forgetting to dry your hands as you pinched your skin.

The rest of the day went by easily and you sighed as you walked back to your house, yet again alone. Wishing minho would be back soon, taking small steps and soon you were cautious of how you walked, what if you looked weird walking because you were so thin?? What if your body looked uglier than it used to??

What if you- your thoughts were interrupted by a sudden urge to throw up, you hadn't had anything yet, and you had already thrown up everything you ate in the morning.

You speed walked to your apartment, sweating through your shirt as the heat came to you.

And it wasn't before you were back in your bathroom throwing up water as you wheezed. You should eat. You should eat. You should eat. You should eat....you shouldn't eat, you shouldn't eat, you shouldn't eat.

"oh god i really do hate myself..." You chuckled, tears wetting your cheeks, small cries slowly turning into loud sobs as you wrapped your arms around your head to stop the thoughts. Even just for a moment...just for a second.

"why am i like this?!" You complained, standing up to look at yourself in the mirror. God you looked horrible, dark circles making you look like a zombie. And then you walked out. Eating whatever came into sight.

Crying as you stuffed yourself with whatever food you could find. Too ugly, too thin, too much. You were too much for anyone.

And you ate more the other day, ignoring the guilt bubbling up at the pit of your stomach. You felt sick. You felt really sick. Sick of yourself, sick of everyone telling you how your body should look like, Sick of hating yourself for breathing, sick of being so ugly and unworthy.

And you waited, waited and waited for someone to pull you out of the hell hole you've jumped into.

Talks with minho got brief as he got busier with his schedule and you with eating and throwing up alternatively.

And there was only so much you could take....as you sat on your bed, wishing to be dead as the images of your body flashed in your head over and over. God it was haunting. You had gained weight. A lot of it, or that's what you thought.

"I'm so sick of myself" you cried loudly, tears blurring your vision over and over no matter how hard you tried to wipe them away.

"I'm sick of feeling like this minho, I'm too ugly for you, I'm too much. Why are you still by my side? God... aren't you tired of me? Aren't you.....why do you even love someone like me?" You sobbed and you could hear a sharp breathe coming from the other side.

"y/n.." he sounded sad, maybe disappointed. Was he disappointed in you? Was he crying because of you?

"I'm sorry.." you sobbed out again and you could hear every little breathe he took. "Listen...baby you're not too much and ugly? God. I've never ever seen someone as pretty as you ever, if only-" he took a deep breathe "if only you could see yourself the way i see you, if only i was there to hold you right now...but I'm not, so stay for me, please if you can't love yourself, take care of yourself for me, i love you, i love everything you do, the way you look at me, how pretty you look when you smile, you look so pretty even when you're crying even though i hate seeing you in pain. You're so goddamn pretty y/n i don't understand why you would ever think I'll get tired of you....i could never. I may not understand what you're going through right now, but i love you and I'll always be here for me whenever you need me. I- i love you so much!!" He exclaimed and you cried back a loud "i love you so much too"

A smile adorning your face, even when tears stained your pretty cheeks as you talked to him untill your couldn't keep your eyes open.

Maybe it was going to be hard, maybe you're not worthy of anything but minho loved you, and that's all that mattered. You weren't just your body. You were wayy more than the shape your hips took or the way your tummy rolled or the chubbiness of your cheeks, you were wayy more than what your body looked like and minho made sure you knew that.

--------

This may not be accurate or fit into what you feel but this is how i feel so i wrote it accordingly. Also hope that all of you know how absolutely precious you are, how pretty you all look when you're happy and i wish you all eat well. I'm so proud of anyone suffering through such and god i love you all so much too💞💞

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ it's so easy to love you, flaws and all (chapter 10)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

wc- 5k

chapter warnings- swearing, anxiety mentions, possible pregnancy mentions, minor angst, theres no smut but references to it (flashbacks), drinking,

a/n- Hi guys! im back early with another chapter to make up for skipping a few weeks! i wanted to let you guys know that any time there is a long dialogue written in italic- it is a flashback !!

Enjoy guys, Love ya!!

-nini

-

You woke up at 8am to the sound of pans banging in the kitchen, immediately you smiled, knowing your mom had gotten up early to start baking.

A look over to your left would remind you taehyung fell asleep in your bedroom last night....you couldn't help but feel bad, he was so crammed up against the wall, and he definitely would be complaining of back pain later on.

You shifted slightly, allowing room to pull the covers back and plant your feet on the ground. You slept, but not for long.

You were still feeling a bit off after having an episode last night, but the startling realization that came soon after only further prevented you from getting the 8 hours of sleep you so desperately needed.

Your feet clashed against the cold tiles of your bathroom as you slowly shut the door and turned the light on. Your phone was still sitting on the counter near the sink, exactly where Taehyung had left in last night.

You brushed your teeth and contemplated whether you should quickly text them back to clear things up. You promised Taehyung no phone, but this situation was becoming much more serious.

Your eyes gazed to your reflection, sighing.

theres no way....right?

you've been late before, it wasn't some odd occurrence to your body. you grew up playing soccer, dancing and doing track, your teenage athletic self always had weird period dates

But then again, that was a while ago.

You felt guilty for many reasons, 1 being the fact that if you are what you think you are, how could you have been so careless with what you did?

You always used some form of contraception, you even planned to get an IUD implanted when you see your doctor in a few weeks, just so you didn't have any scares.

you also felt guilty for if you were pregnant...

You knew you couldn't be a mom, hell, you could barley take care of Yeontan or yourself.

You also knew Taehyung on the other hand, would absolutely love this, which breaks your heart.

"I don't know, I think it would be fun" taehyung said, reaching into the bowl to grab more popcorn

"It doesn't sound or look fun, taehyung, babies are menaces" You scoffed, looking at him

"oh well I dont think so....I know when I get older someday I think I'll have some...only one or two, depends on what my future spouse wants" he shrugged

"you do realize babies need attention and care, its not like a dog where you put the food in a bowl and leave it to fend for themselves..?" you joked, watching your friend contemplate parenthood at the ripe age of 20.

"Its fun to think about" he smiled softly, looking over at tannie who sat with his tail wagging. He sure was easy to care for, what more work is a human baby?

oh was he naive.

You washed your face and brushed your hair, trying to get out a knot from sleeping with a ponytail in, when taehyung awoke and began to knock on the door.

"baby..." he whispered, seeing the light on, "you in there?"

You smiled and walked over, unlocking the door and pulling him in happily.

"happy birthday!" he whisper yelled, immediately attacking you with kisses and pulling your smaller frame into a hug, "I love you!"

You giggled and kissed him back, hands wrapping over his shoulders, "thank you....I love you too, even if you slept in my bed last night" you smirked

"hey, you told me to!" he added, pulling away

"shh!" you put a hand over his mouth, his deep voice echoing through the room, "I was in a state of weakness, and I really hope my mom didn't see you in here"

He shrugged and moved to hug your from behind, both of you facing the mirror and looking at your reflection, it was sweet.

"so was I the first person to say it?"

you raised an eyebrow and and tilted your head as you applied moisturizer

"happy birthday, did I beat your mom to it?" he giggled, making you smile and nod, "yes, tae you did, you won"

"oh really? what do i win" he smirked and pushed you against him, his face finding the crook of your neck too easily.

"ah-" you tensed and pulled back, knowing if he continued you would have gave in right then in there. "nothing until we get back to Busan"

He frowned, trying to get you to change your mind, "baby."

"taehyung! we are not fucking in my mothers house, let alone my childhood bedroom!" you whispered loudly, making him explode in laughter.

"hey, I was just gonna ask for a massage, I didnt say anything about sex, but now that you mention-"

"no"

"damnit"

You smiled at his antics as he returned his head to your shoulder, humming softly, "you look better, you feeling good, too?"

You nodded, "yeah, I guess...still a bit iffy but mentally im better"

"good" he kissed your cheek and looked at your phone, taking it silently and sliding it into his pocket, making you frown.

-

As afraid to admit as you were, things were slightly coming together now....in a light you wish was dimmed.

When you came downstairs your mother surprised you with a huge birthday breakfast, something you expected hence the fact she does it every year- but what you had not expected was you trying to fight the urge to vomit all over the plate at the scent of the scrambled eggs.

You swore up and down to both your mother and tae that you were okay, just still feeling the effects from last nights situation, but the moment you were alone in your room for the first time since youve been here, you began to break.

"What if's" filling your head as you cried silently against the shut door, deep deep down you believed you would possibly laugh about this later on, like "oh remember how I was so dramatic and thought I was pregnant? what a funny time!"

"Y/N?" your mother called, knocking on the door, "we are leaving for lunch in 15, almost ready?"

you sighed, feeling bad for your bad mood against your mom who was just happy to have you in her presence. "yes, almost..."

She had thrown together a small reservation for the 3 of you at a local wine and dine restaurant, you were feeling a bit more hungry now and were grateful for that.

Putting on a black tank top and jeans, you curled your hair and put some makeup on, all while that silly little voice in your head kept nagging at you that something bad was happening.

You tried to calm yourself, even going as far as saying that even if you had gotten pregnant, you would figure out a way to deal when you got back to Busan...you just wanted to enjoy your vacation.

All of you had made it out the house on time, taehyung offering to drive to the place while you and your mother sat in the back seat. You gazed at every passing store, seeking out any type of pharmacy available. You wished you could use your phone map, but you know....

"you will love this place, My friend took me here after one of my doctor appointments last week, the food is to die for!" your mother patted your back on the way into the small yet lavish building, the spring flowers making your nose itch.

"oh thats nice, was it stacey who took you? or Linna?" you responded

She giggled softly as you waited in line to check in for your reservation, "no, actually he is a new worker, his name is Ji-Tae"

Your eyes widened, turning to taehyung behind you, who was making a smug face, mouthing the word "he?"

You pouted, "I see..."

you were skeptical. You always want your mom to be happy, and for sure you understand how lonely she is living alone with such a big house filled with things your dad had built for her before fleeing your family to be in a different one.

-

The food was good, and you ate a lot of it.

Your mother insisted to buy you a drink to go with your pasta, making you hesitant, so the glass sat full in front of you.

"is it not good?" she would ask, making you race to come up with some excuse that wasnt related to the possible fact you could be pregnant.

"Oh I took a sip" you lied, "its good but I dont think I should be drinking right now"

She beamed up, seeming happy "oh? how come?" she smiled knowingly

Taehyung took a sip of his wine and raised his eyebrows, confused.

You panicked quickly, "because I am still not one hundred precent, health wise, so you know-"

"I'll drink it!" he smiled and took a sip, face scrunching at the mixture of his alcohol.

"dont mix, its not good to-" your mom began

"and we dont want you to get drunk" you gently rubbed his back, giving him a knowing glare, he nodded.

You nervously continued to pick at your lunch scraps

"hey we should get coffee or something after this, theres a store plaza down the street" your mom insisted, offering to drive you both

"that sounds fun" he looked at you, smiling

"yes, im down"

It fell silent, not in a weird way, it was peaceful...the wind coming in from the window near you had your hair flowing like you were in a covergirl commercial, and the sun only made your skin look shiny and tan.

Taehyung couldn't keep his eyes off you

Even sitting here eating, doing nothing particularly interesting, you were the only thing that had his attention, you've always been so effortlessly beautiful in his eyes.

"you are glowing, y/n" your mom smiled, taking her eyes off her phone to look at you, "dont you think, taehyung?"

"I agree" he hummed, making you blush.

Your mother began to ramble about something to do with her job while he got lost in thought, something hes done a lot the past 24 hours.

He couldn't help his mind racing back to the first time he felt this feeling, this feeling of admiration and love when he realized he saw you differently...

"You cant, your- you aree a cheater!!" you slurred, tripping over yourself as you walked to the living room again

He giggled, putting his wine down and pulling you to sit next to him, "just because I know how to play the game, doesnt mean I cheated"

It was almost 3am, he had finished working in his office around 11pm and promised to spend time with you as you both had fallen into a habit doing.

you would cook, prepare wine and entertainment, and he would get to destress and spend time away from his laptop.

Obviously, one look at the both of you right now, you can tell who handles their alcohol better...

"Fool" you scoffed and sat down with a thump, leaning against him in the dark room.

"be nice" he teased, his hand poking into your side.

He had to admit, spending so much time with you was nice, he realized you had matured a lot emotionally since hes met you, and you both had grown into semi-adults with real lives and things to talk about, it was an odd but fascinating thing for him.

He also had to admit, that for the first time in his life, seeing you against him with your hair sprawled out and your shirt scrunched up, revealing a bit of your soft stomach, made his heart somersault.

You also had grown into him in a way you never saw coming, he was so easy to just be next to, so easy to talk to, so easy to know and love, and that is why it led to what it did....

He gently cupped your face, titling you up so your eyes met his

"so pretty" he blushed and whispered, making you giggle in even your drunk state

"I know you are but what am I?" you raised an eyebrow, trying not to laugh as he pushed your hair back, brushing it with his long fingers softly.

"Y/n.....?" he spoke after a moment, the room filled with tension- and no longer from the card game you had just fought over.

"yeah?" your face froze, eyes scanning over him,

he gently took your hand and placed it onto his chest

"your heart is beating reallyyy fast" you smiled

"yea, i know"

You watched his eyes draw to your lips before going back up, making you smirk.

"you wanna kiss me?" you teased, watching him blush even more, he was practically a tomato right now.

"I- uh,"

"you can if you want" your hand slid up over his shoulder, relaxing at his nape as you sat closer, nudging his nose with yours.

He swallowed harshly, feeling sick a bit, and was unable to identify if it was the rush of emotions or the drinks.

"dont overthink...its just a kiss" you whispered

and with that he pressed his lips to yours, softly swiping his tongue into your mouth.

It was just a kiss.

yeah, it was a kiss the next day too, after he finished work, you sat waiting for him, sober this time.

You ate then made out for a few hours before falling asleep- he was content, knowing you not only liked it too, but continued to want him.

thats how it was for a few days, things were normal until 11pm, then anyone onlooking would consider you both in love...and he loved that

He was a sensitive person, still is, when he feels something he feels it deeply and quick, He was only growing more in love with you by the day, and was convinced you felt the same.

that was, until it was about a week and a half into this escapade

"I want you" you panted, his lips sucking just under your clavicle as your hands gripped his hair.

You both were sprawled out on the couch, completely sober as you passionately made out, the puzzle that had been started was no longer interesting to either of you.

He sat back a bit, looking at you, "what?"

suddenly you felt embarrassed, "we dont have to do anything" you covered

He sat looking at you, it only made you feel self conscious, so you sat up and wrapped your arms over your bra, hiding your chest.

He wasnt mad, or shocked, he just couldnt believe you were asking to...to take things to this level, to be intimate with him.

You both have only been doing this for a little while, but he felt like its been forever-perhaps its due to the fact you both grew up together, he knows you, you know him, it felt safe...and right.

He didnt want to rush anything, but his heart was beating so damn hard right now, "y-yeah? you want to?"

You blushed, "yeah..." you watched his face light up, a small shy smile on his lips "its just sex..ya know? it doesn't hurt anyone"

He nodded, trying to figure out what to say or do now

"so is it okay?"

"of course, y/n, yeah..." he smiled again, feeling so glad in knowing you trusted him.

You laid back again, pulling him down and kissing him, "no strings?" you asked

oh.

Of course you dont want this to be a serious thing, it wasnt who you were, he should have known that....but yet he was still hurt.

"yeah....n-no strings"

and thats how that came to be.

He snapped out of his head and took a sip of his drink, smiling at you, your eyes met his and you blushed a bit, mouthing "what?"

He shook his head, "nothing"

Things might be different now between you both, but one thing that hasnt left or changed is the admiration he saves for just you.

-

"this is so cute, huh?" your mom turns to you, showing a mannequin with a summer dress on it

"aww it is" you walked over and felt it

"i'll buy it" she smiles, "birthday gift"

"ah! you dont have to eomma-"

"i want to, shush" she giggled and grabbed a medium off the rack, putting it into her shopping basket, you kissed her cheek, thanking her and linking arms while you walked.

"wheres taehyung?" she asked

just as she finished speaking:

"guys look" he ran up to both of you, he had disappeared about 14 minuets ago to go explore the market.

"what is that?" you smiled, looking at the container in his hand.

"there is a little store across the way, there was pets and stuff.....I bought a fishy" he grinned like a child, presenting the item in front of him.

"Taehyung how are we gonna bring a fish home?" you laughed at his cuteness, looking into the small water container to see a tiny fish swimming around happily.

"oh...I didnt think of that" he frowns, looking down, "I also bought a tank for him too"

"that you did" You nodded, looking at all of his bags.

"you guys are fish parents now" your mom laughed and patted his shoulder

You swallowed and nodded, yeahh fish parents

"we can discuss names at a later time, lets go show the lil dude the market" he spoke proudly, holding it up and talking to it as he passed cool stores, as if it could understand. It was kind of adorable.

You smiled happily as you all walked around a bit more, stopping at a cafe to get coffee and tea.

"iced with oatmilk please" you call out to your mom as she nods, getting into line while you and taehyung sit at a table outside.

"hes so cute" he laid his head in his palm, admiring the fish.

"we should name him spongebob"

Taehyung laughed, "but spongebob isnt a fish..."

"but hes yellow!"

"hmm...how about 해 (hae- sun in korean)

You smile and nod..."thats cute, actually"

"Then Hae it is"

You giggled and looked around, your eyes fell on a store a few blocks from where you were sitting- a pharmacy.

It was like a reminder of the possible issue at hand, everywhere you turned, the universe wouldnt let you rest.

The fish baby, the pharmacy, the pregnant woman who complimented you in the restaurant, It was haunting.

"hey, uhm, im gonna go run down the street really quick, i should be back before my mom comes, line is long"

He looked up at you "where you going?"

"just the pharmacy"

"can I come?"

You widened your eyes "no!...uhm i need....tampons." you nodded

"alright, do you have cash?"

You looked in your bag and had about $11

How much was a pregnancy test?

"here, just in case.." he smiled and gave you $10

"thank you honey" you kiss his head and take the money, assuring you will return asap.

You felt bad lying and taking his cash, but you needed to find out what was going on already, and so when you walked into the store with your head down, you made a straight line right to the feminine care isle.

You decided on buying tampons anyway, just so he wouldnt be suspicious.

"okay ...okay" you took a breath and walked over to the pregnancy area, which was beyond weird. You had passed by similar isles at other stores, looking out of pure curiosity, never believing you would be in this position of the buyer.

You scoffed to yourself, looking at all the tests, "which one do I buy? whats the difference?" you whispered to yourself, looking over each box, remembering you had to be quick. You decided to go with HCG test strips since they were the cheapest, you put them in your basket and ran to go pay before tae or your mom decided to come check on you.

The lady checking out gave you a knowing look, "how old are you?" she asked, eyeing the tampons and pregnancy tests.

You felt insulted, not because she assumed you were young-which you were- but because she was just asking and felt it was okay to do so.

"old enough, lets hurry this up"

You paid and grabbed the bag, making a sprint back to the coffee shop where your mom was just sitting down with taehyung- you made it.

"heres your drink" she smiled, "thanks mom"

you sat down next to taehyung, your heart was in your throat.

"I told her you ran to get concealer" he whispered in your ear, an attempt to save you some embarrassment

"oh, thanks" you grinned, brushing your foot against his.

-

A few hours later, the sun had started to set as you all returned home- your mother went to her home office to finish a quick work call as you and taehyung hung in the kitchen.

"im glad you can enjoy it now" he smiled, scooping another bite last nights cake onto a fork and feeding it to you

"yeah me too" you hummed, eating it before he kissed you quickly

"my moms in the other room" You scolded playfully, licking the frosting off the fork.

"so? we arent doing anything" he frowned, hugging you, "we cant do anything anyways-you got your period" he giggled

Oh yeah

"oh right" you laughed, taking another bite

His hands rested on your lower stomach, massaging gently. It was an act of cuteness but when you knew more than he did, it made you nervous.

"are you hurting?" he asked, kissing your shoulder

"no..." you blushed

maybe.....it wouldnt be the worst thing to parent with taehyung. He is so affectionate and caring, you know he would be the best partner and dad.....

You shook your head, trying to get rid of your current thoughts as you put the fork down.

You needed to end this now

"im...gonna shower ok?" you whispered, kissing his jaw

"want me to come?" he asked genuinely

"no no its okay, im gonna use my apple soap that you says burns your nose anyways" you giggle, walking away

"it does!!"

"mmhm"

-

You locked the bathroom door, placing the bag on the sink as you rummaged through.

"how the fuck does this work?" you whisper, looking over the box of the tests, "hm" you frowned and pulled one out, unwrapping it discreetly and going to use the toilet.

After you peed on the stick, your hand grew sweaty- it was becoming more real as the minuets when on.

While you waited, you took an actual shower to pass the time, fighting the urge to cry based on whatever result was on the stick just outside the shower.

You washed your hair and took your time before you wrapped up in a towel, shutting the water off.

it would be negative, right? you couldnt be pregnant, these types of things dont happen to you, these things happen to other but not you, you are probably worried about nothing...right?

Your mind raced as you sat near the sink, water still dripping from the towel.

"lets go y/n, whatever it is.....we are ok" you consoled yourself, rubbing your arm before moving to grab the test, your hands shaking furiously.

Suddenly everything youve ever done was questioned.

every choice youve ever made was doubted

Your confidence fell down the drain, and perhaps the years spent working and educating yourself are pointless.....maybe it wont matter after all....because theres two lines on the test.

You are pregnant.

You broke down sobbing, leaning against the wall as you slid to your knees, there wasnt anything to say, there wasnt anything to do. You were gonna have a baby and there was nothing you could do about it, nothing you say would erase the problem.

Your mother and taehyung sat downstairs, completely unaware of the anxiety attack you were dealing with just one floor above them.

"no no...no..." your hand fell to your stomach, gently caressing it.

You werent mad at the baby, you were mad at yourself. You suddenly felt responsible for the life growing inside you, but felt guilty over knowing you would never succeed at being a mom.

"im sorry.....im sorry im so sorry" you rubbed your stomach once more, whispering and apologizing in advance for the failure you would bring to this childs life. you havent even finished school, you graduate next year and now you are gonna have to drop out because paying for a newborn and tuition wont work, you will have to sell your car and old clothes

you will have to move somewhere cheaper, or grow small and confess to your mother that you cant get your shit together, and need to have a baby in her house for a few years until you are financially stable.

In your own mind, you were still a kid. You were a baby in the eyes of the world, and now everyone will shame you for what youve done, knowing you arent ready, but still expect you to carry on and raise another human being.

and taehyung.....hes gonna be happy....hes gonna love this, and you cant deal with it.

-

About an hour later, you had forced yourself to calm down as you made your way to his room, opening the door to see him laying on his bed.

"hi angel" he smiled, urging you to come over to him.

"hi" you spoke quietly, walking over to the bed and climbing in, hiding your face into his neck as you laid on him.

"everything alright?" he asked, rubbing your back.

tell him, tell him now before you back out, you wont ever do it if you dont tell him.

"we have to talk later" was all you mumbled, falling asleep next to him.

It blew your mind in a way, he had no clue about the fact he was a dad right now, yet here you were, falling apart by the seams. You wish you didnt know. You wish you were him, you wish this never happened in the first place.

Happy birthday to you, huh?

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee @bokieya

[1eoness]

i literally cant stop thjnking abt joji ever since i got tickets to his concert so ... can i request an angst that's based on his song glimpse of us :') leon and reader are dating and all leon can think of is ada ( OR VICE VERSA IDEK )

okay flexing on me i see u anon.......... /stares condescendingly/ jk

and sure let me just put the song on repeat until i start convulsing and oh wow an actual title that is only mildly shitty? go me.

also, i received this request like probably over a month ago im sooo sorry about that TT

cw; angst, depressed re4remake!leon x gn!reader. shitty toxic relationship, super fucking short bc im uncreative.

blind glances

synopsis :

deep down, leon aches for his ex-girlfriend. you're the gauze of a heart that does not bleed for you. you're looking at him but his affection does not rouse at the sound of your name.

it's eating at him. he'll never escape the realization that even a lifetime of getting used to you won't ever amount to having a brief glimpse of ada wong.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

if guilt is a penalty then leon is a man for the guillotine. he wakes up beside you, warm skin on just skin when he reaches over to gently kiss you on the forehead for a love-empty greeting. does he like doing it?

no.

leon has a blurry count of how long it has been since he last felt the high of love.

he will never deny it. leon is a fool for tying tight strings for a woman that kissed him with lies but you just don't know anything. you don't know the raw care that lingers on ada's face, her stoic tendencies, her slender shoulders that carry the burden of a past he'll never know of. he's a fucking idiot for keeping scores with a bossy woman and finding love in her during a citywide bloodshed.

but because of the wrong of it all, shit, he felt the most human in the fucking world. leon deserving a healthy relationship after the incident in raccoon? bullshit, he doesn't deserve that; not when he's just going to end up hurting you with his pain. it won't ever change the fact that a part of him shudders at the sheer thought of ada.

and the naive look on your face will always remind him where it hurts.

during the first few weeks of trying to rehabilitate from a forsaken and true love, leon has already told you his issues and tendencies. you came with the guess that "it's most likely the trauma, leon.. you know i'm here. and let's hope ada is okay." and he nods quietly, kissing your cheek in mechanical reflex.

so you've had this discussion with him before—you were so open, so warm. but leon does not let himself relax around you. you're both a manifestation of his culpability and a cognitive drug to him— it drives him insane sometimes he cries at night and he doesn't even tell you why, just nuzzling into your skin and staining it wet with the depression that seeps in his nerves.

leon's never the smoker but you're a cigarette to him—he needs you when he feels like you're all he's got and he needs you to disconnect from a world that won't give him his ada back, even if it's just for a little while.

you wanted to be so mature but no, you're just a fucking human being as well. you desperately wanted to help leon but what if this is it? what if this is all you might be?

so, you both try to reconcile.

he's blind to the eager light in your eyes when you ramble about your day. he's smiling and playing with his straw while your words go from one ear out the other; because when he locks eyes with you he doesn't see you. he only sees a reflection of himself using you to his mending. and it's anything but your fault.

he somehow still has the audacity to feel some sort of affection towards you; but who will ever tell him he's just guilty and sympathetic? or, no. he just thinks that way.

is it possible? god, is it possible to care for someone you don't love? perhaps, but was that the care you needed?

you needed leon to care for you.

you wished ada was just here to whisk him away and maybe you wouldn't find yourself here. you know it, deep in your stomach. but you are bittersweet, you love to fucking convince yourself leon loves you. he loves you, doesn't he?

he felt like dying that night he saw your face drop when he opened his wallet to pay. he still had a picture of ada in his wallet. why was he so blind? why was he so careless?

...

"...i think i left the faucet open."

you utter begrudgingly after you stood up, calculating your share quickly and dumping it on the table with a rush. he stares at the table with horror gorging at his heart, watching his 'love' walk away from him with tear-blurring eyes. the faucet doesn't stop running when you reach the car. leon knew this, your heart was just too big for your own good.

you felt like a fool; you're the one trying to prove that leon loves you. how stupid does that fucking sound?

so later that night he's at home, inebriated out of his fucking mental while he's hunched over the sink. slightly sunken eyes stare back at him blurrily.

leon tries to rinse the guilt off his face but when he sees himself it's hard to even look—he doesn't know himself anymore, he's just the husk of a man that has his love taken away from him and stuffed in an abyss that stares back. and you don't have to guess which 'love' he's thinking of.

love. the word is so simply ridiculous, isn't it? one minute it's warm and gentle but it feels like a whole war when you try to conquer it. love always wins, it wins over him when he tries his fucking best to just be a better boyfriend for you.

it's like that one quote from that one book. "love is the only rational act."

what leon feels for you is right. he cares for you enough not to bring your hopes up anymore. he should just leave, but he doesn't want to abandon you. but what good is leon if he stays? if there was a god up there, leon pleas, tell me what to do to make it hurt less for them.

temptation is non-existent. his heart belonged to ada. ada ada ada. he's sorry but he can only think of her. even the name sounds right to him. it's a poisonous solace, the way his sombers connect with ada's.

he sleeps before you. you both stopped having the innocent intimacy before bed and now it's just restless individuals sharing the same comforters, desperately finding a warmth in the cold room you both soak in. it's so cold. you reach over to hold him. leon feels so cold.

it gnaws at your heart when you're constantly visualizing a scenario of him choosing whether to save you or ada if it ever came down to it. and you know who he would pick.

"..." leon turns over.

"bad dream?" he whispers but his voice is empty of projected care. but he still cares. he still fucking cares. but why should he?

you answer anyway.

"yeah."

you answer anyway because you still want to be wrapped in his safety. you find yourself pressed to his heart, the back of his hand on your head. soak in the comfort all you want,

but leon still feels cold.