#the winter goats and the golden knife

[wigglybunfish]

The Scientist and the Nomad

Lesbians with traditional braids let’s go

[bun-fish]

Comic: An Accident

he did a lil oopsie

[catindabag]

TBOSAS AU ✨CRACK! TAKE✨: The 10th HG Mentors According to Drunk Dean Highbottom. (Part 4)

⭐️❄️⭐️

Well, here is the last part of this TBOSAS Crack! Post. Still, for the new readers, I would like you to read part one for context.

Here are all the parts anyway: [1] [2] [3]

⭐️MENTORS⭐️

Palmolive Monthly? Chimaera Moon Tea? (Palmyra Monty)

Eats expired food on a daily basis.

How are you still even alive?!

Immune to poison, but don’t ask how.

A Diabolical Bimbo Psycho.

Sweet but might kill me in my sleep.

Therapists are afraid of her.

Your mama is unhinged AF.

Stop sending your classmates to the hospital every other day!😫

Almost destroyed the school kitchen.

Is banned from entering any public kitchen.

Is very skilled with a blade kitchen knife.

Can’t be trusted with anyone’s life.

May have accidentally killed people before.

My hospital bills left the chat.

The Capitol’s health care system only existed because of you.

Almost killed me with cursed cookies.

Your family only got rich by owning the largest distillery in all of Panem.

You literally owe me and your class a lifetime supply of posca!

You do know your family murdered a lot of rebels via food poisoning, right?

Can and WILL certainly win the Hunger Games, but don’t ask how.🤢

Dominatrix Whim Sicko? Domestic Whim Sea Witch? (Domitia Whimsiwick)

The “Dairy Heiress” of Panem.

Very kind and caring.

Willing to trade a fat chicken for good grades.

Brought a dairy cow for ✨Show & Tell✨.

Knows how to make delicious cheese.

Has a “therapy” goat named Mr. Peachy Pants.

Can bride anyone with a slice of butter.

Gave me a fresh bottle of milk when I got hospitalized from food poisoning.

Your father is too carefree to be a business tycoon.

Your family’s mansion looks more like ranch. Just saying.🙄

Why do you wear farm boots to school?

Does my school look like a barn to you?!

Can easily wrestle a bull.

Is allergic to raspberries for some reason.

Don’t crash your family’s tractor in the entrance hall again.

Forever banned from driving any kind of vehicle in the Capitol.

Stuck on her “Farm Gal” era forever.

Likes to take pictures of cute feral squirrels.

Will only win the Hunger Games if she was allowed to ride a cow to victory.

Tennis String (Dennis Fling)

Likes to smuggle and trade illegal goods.

Business minded.

Manipulative AF.

Very friendly, but untrustworthy.

Is painfully likable AF.

Likes the smell of money.

Can find any loopholes to avoid jail time.

Too dangerous to become a lawyer.

Is not allowed to go into politics.

Claimed to have seen at least a hundred banned films.

Your family is shady AF, and everybody knows it.

Don’t send me a literal horse head as a joke again!😠

Your family only got FILTHY RICH by illegally establishing and running the Capitol Black Market.

Remind me again on why I haven’t expelled you yet.🤔

Gave me a stolen but expensive painting for Teacher’s Day.

Yes. I know. You can’t be reaped as a Tribute in the Hunger Games if you can bribe everyone and anyone, even your own mother that you never existed in the first place.

Apple Ring (Apollo Ring)

Extremely friendly.

Likes to wear identical outfits with his twin.

Sometimes has delinquent tendencies.

Is a certified Himbo.

Has a sunny personality.

Happy all the time, even at funerals.

Acts like a golden retriever.

Stop stealing and eating my cupcakes every time you visit my office!

By the way, how the heck did your family got super rich just by selling pajama onesies?!

And why can’t you give me that exclusive lion onesie for free?🥺

Most likely to surrender himself for a puppy.

Likes everyone, even the mean girls.

Too carefree for his own good.

Greets danger like a friend.

Gave me a very nice mug for the winter holidays.🥹

Survival rate is almost close to zero.

Will NEVER win the Hunger Games. You’re literally too nice for your own good.

Dino Ring (Diana Ring)

Always on her “Soft Girl” era.

Has a sunny personally.

Dangerously lovable AF.

Is a certified Bimbo.

Too carefree to survive a war.

Was almost labeled as the only “normal” student of her class.

Is always optimistic, but in an unhealthy kind of way.

Acts like a very jolly corgi.

Loves to eat sweets.

Tell your rich parents to send me a free but exclusive onesie.

Also, don’t tell your mama that it was me who was asking.

Likes to give big sisterly warm hugs to everyone but me.🥺

I know that you were the one who stole my precious jar of marbles.😠

I should give you a demerit for that alone.

The only student who gave me a holiday greeting card.🥹

Will NEVER win the Hunger Games, just like her own twin.

Tiny Harry Tone (Pliny “Pup” Harrington)

Is a very good swimmer.

Your father is strict and scary AF.

Your family members are known to value cleanliness and good manners above all else. So why are you such a slob?

Thinks he’s the class clown.

Hangs out with garbage boy every weekend.

Knows how to hype up a crowd.

Is good at throwing the best underground parties ever, but don’t tell his dad.

Can forge anyone’s signature, even his own father’s.

Sometimes skips school to secretly go clubbing with a bunch dropouts.

Gave me a freaking jar of sand from District 4 as a “thank you” gift.

Claimed to have the ability to talk to freaking dolphins.

Has no interest in following his father’s footsteps.

Can literally sleep anywhere and everywhere.

Once slept under the teacher’s desk without anyone knowing.

Once slept inside my office cabinet without me noticing.

Don’t go into my office if you just want to skip class and sleep all day!

Likes to eat any kind of soup.

Can stay underwater for about 5 minutes. Impressive, really.

Can win the Hunger Games by hiding and sleeping all the way to victory.

[the-lady-writes-what]

22. Keigo Takami

          Theme: Warlock, soulmate 

          Kinks: Mutual intoxication, dry humping, cowgirl

Masterlist

You clutch your spellbook tight like how mothers hold onto their babies. It’s worn and weathered, and its black leather tells more of a story than how to cure warts with a bit of bacon grease. It’s probably as old as your line, and it traveled all the way down that family tree to you, a mere leaf. The pack on your shoulders was ladened down with food stock, a knife, quill feathers, bottles of ink, charms, clothes, and an extra pair of socks. You found yourself at the center of a family dispute. Marriage had been on the table. Two men that you wouldn’t be caught dead with at the harvest festival, let alone meet him at the altar. It wasn’t that they were ugly; you weren’t that shallow. It was their personalities that made you gag. One was a raging hot-head with the ego to match his fire-powered magic. The other was just as bad except add an inferiority complex and creepy blue eyes. Naturally, picking neither displeased your family so much that they were forced to fight and debate, which would be the better match.

Your opinion was a moot point.

An idea struck you in the middle of the night. You woke from a dream where you walked through a forest, and it was raining red feathers. This was the omen you waited for. Well, any excuse would have nice, but you couldn’t imagine the serendipitous coincidence of such a dream a few days before your parents would decide your fate…for you. By dawn, you already began to set your plan in motion. At midnight the following night, you secreted some things away in a large pack, snuck out, and hurried into the woods where they didn’t dare to follow you.

Within a couple of days, you couldn’t smell the smoke of chimneys or hear the cows and goats. Instead, you smelled damp earth and ripening wild apple trees and listened to the calls of various birds. Magpies, cuckoos, sparrows, and crows, you heard them all but no red feathers. You never saw a cardinal, which you hoped to mean that you were on the right path just as you interpreted your dream. Once or twice you took shelter beneath a conifer or the ruins of an ancient building to escape the rain, which it often did. You foraged where you could and slept on a pillow of moss. You were tired, but this was the sweetest price of freedom.

The forest wasn’t particularly cursed or haunted. There weren’t any wolves, and nobody had seen a bear roam through here in decades. You knew enough about the wildlife to leave enough alone. All you had to do was march through the woods and reach the next village on the other side before winter set in. Your family was too good for trekking through the woods and far too proud to ask someone on the other side of the woods for help. Soon, you’d be out of their hair.

You were trampling through the woods one afternoon. The earth and fallen leaves were sodden with a recent shower. You barely had enough time the night before to create a shelter for you with a spell you found in your family’s tome. It was rightfully yours by birth, and your mother had no interest or skill in magic at any rate. Your grandmother certainly approved when she helped you sneak it out of the house. Wherever you went in the world, you would find work. Witches and warlocks had been in high demand for some of their conjurations, and with your skills and knowledge as a healer, you could find a job easily enough. If not in the next village, then in the next one. Or maybe you would go far into one of those cities you heard so much about from passing travelers.

Your leather shoes were soaked through having trekked through the mud and rain puddles. It dampened your socks all the way to the marrow of your bones underneath. You could feel your toes begin to tingle. You looked around, hoping to find more ruins or a cave, for a place to build a fire. You looked at the trees, and your heart sank a little. All the branches around you looked too wet to be used as firewood. There were a handful of matches left in your pack, but you needed to save those for emergencies, not just because your toes were getting cold. You had to find shelter soon. The clouds had been gray all morning, and the rain was coming again. You sighed for the umpteenth time while looking at the sky.

A laughing brook ran out ahead of you. The width was big enough for you to jump across no problem. You thought that if there was a brook, it could turn into a stream. A stream meant a waterway, and where there was a waterway, there was bound to be people. People lived in houses. You followed the brook through its natural course. Just as you thought, the brook grew bigger and bigger in size. It turned into a stream, then a creek and finally a small river. It cut through a clearing in the forest. Your eyes traveled with it to a lovely two-story cottage. Attached to that cottage was a watermill that turned the water into frothing foam. A garden grew wild though somehow not choked by weeds. You stopped in your tracks.

No. That couldn’t be. Your eyes must be deceiving you.

In the garden grew all sorts of flowers and herbs, most of which were out of season. You saw lush leaves, blooms, and green foliage even from where you stood when you knew that they should have turned brown with the season. That was the first of your many mysterious and curious sights. You drew closer to the place and discovered that the cottage was no cottage. Wood turned into cobbled stones, and the humble appearance took on a new shape. It wasn’t the size of a castle, but it imitated its shape. There was a keep, a tower, and a courtyard that grew a variety of trees. The bricks were made of stones you never laid eyes on before. They seemed to glitter despite the dull sunlight. That was one thing that this mysterious place couldn’t change the weather.

You realized that the smoke billowing out of the chimney wasn’t gray but shimmering purple. Plumes of it belched into the sky before disappearing. The hairs on the back of your neck stood on end. You had to skulk about the courtyard to find the main entrance. It was a heavy ebony wood door with a green-blue Green Man’s face for an ornate knocker. You clutched the ring in your hand and banged on the door twice and stood on the stoop for probably ten minutes before the door swung open.

You didn’t know what or who you were expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this. Instead of a wizened old man with a flowing white beard or a velvet-clad seductress, it was a young man, not much older than you. He had golden eyes marked at two corners with black arrows. Blonde hair was swept back from his face and yet remained uncontrolled. The man rubbed the sleep from his eyes. You felt bad for waking him up from his nap (because how could he still be asleep at noon?).

“Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you mind terribly granting me shelter. I’ve been traveling for days, and my boots are soaked all the way through. It’s going to rain soon, and I was hoping to mind somewhere safe to rest and stay clear out of it,” you said.

The man in the doorway stared and stared and stared. After a while, he had to blink or go blind.

“What did you say your name was?” His voice made you tremble.

Not out of fear, though. There was something in his voice that sent a playful tingle down your spine. You furrowed your brows.

“I-I didn’t give you my name,” you said, curious.

“Why don’t you come on in and warm yourself by the fire? We can exchange introductions over some tea?” The man in the doorway pulled the door open wide enough for you to enter.

If you thought his house was big on the outside, it was much bigger on the inside. Or it would have been if the space wasn’t taken up by trinkets, tools, and books. Towers of books reached the vaulted ceilings. You picked up the front of your skirts to give your legs room to keep up with him. He was a little shorter than you, but he walked a lot faster. His parlor was, so far, the cleanest space in his home you’d seen. At least, by comparison, the parlor was spacious, and you could comfortably sit down in the large armchair by the fire. You set your bag down and plopped right into the chair. Your feet would be singing your praises if they had mouths and sentience. You warmed your feet by the fire while your host left to make tea.

He returned after a long while with a serving tray. Jasmine filled the parlor as he poured two cups. Taking the seat across from you, he sipped from his cup.

“I’m Keigo Takami,” he said.

Politely, you returned, “Y/N L/N.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Y/N, if I have permission to call you that?”

“You do.” You grinned into your teacup.

“What brings you all the way out here in the middle of the woods? Get lost on the way to the next town?” Keigo asked.

“Not exactly.” You swallowed some tea and continued. “Escaping an unwanted arranged marriage.”

Keigo didn’t seem surprised. His golden eyes softened, and he nodded. It was as if he understood your situation.

“My old man wanted me to be a foot soldier. I told him ‘no.’ He didn’t take it too kindly. Locked me up in a tower until I ‘came to see the error in my ways.’ And look where I am now!” Keigo gestured around the room.

While cluttered beyond imagination, the parlor held expensive treasures and gadgets. Clocks, sundials, colorful glass vases, feathers…Feathers?

Your eyes snapped to a red streak dashing in front of the stained glass window in the hall. It was followed by another, third, and a fourth. A red feather floated on the air as if pulled by an invisible string into the parlor. A few more followed. The feathers went to work dusting, wiping, and putting books on the shelves. Some of them pulled off your boots, strung your socks up on the mantle to dry, and pulled on a fresh pair that were soft as sheepskin. Your eyes followed the red feathers wherever they traveled. Keigo wore a small smile while watching you marvel at the feathers. However, you were following them with your eyes for a reason different than the one he was thinking about.

“I just thought I’d tidy up a little. It’s been a while since I’ve had company. They’re a pet project of mine. It took me a while to get the enchantment just right,” said Keigo.

One of the feathers fell into your lap. You picked it up like it was a delicate spider-web.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

Keigo showed you the rest of his house: the kitchen, dining room, second parlor, library, observatory, and the guest bedrooms. You sat down to dinner with him to discuss some sort of arrangement. You felt terrible taking up his space and mucking up his lovely floors.

“What if I worked for you? That way, I can get some training, you’ll have an extra hand around, and we won’t have to be lonely come winter. I know I’m just a village girl who ran away from home, but I know things. And I’m a fast learner,” you explained over a pot of stew.

“I work with a lot of hoity-toity rich folk for commissions. That won’t be a problem, will it?”  

You shook your head. “No, sir. Not at all.”

“Don’t call me ‘sir.’ Makes me feel old,” said Keigo. “It does get frustrating having nobody to talk to all the way out here. You seem real eager to learn, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t take up an apprentice.”

You clinked your glasses of wine together to solidify your spoken contract. You stared at the red feathers again as they swooped in to take care of the dinner table. Keigo caught you standing frozen as your eyes flickered this way and that to follow them.

“I apologize if this sounds rude but, did you have a lot of magic where you came from?” Asked Keigo.

“Well, yes, but—” You bit your lower lip. “You’re going to think it’s silly.”

Keigo smiled and turned his head towards the doorway. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

You tore your eyes away from the marvelous red feathers and followed him out into the hallway. Without turning back to speak to you, Keigo said, “And bring your spellbook with you.”

           You ran back to the parlor and found your spellbook on an end table where you found it. Keigo came, found you, and led you to the observatory. The glass dome showed the brightest stars. The moon was in her full glory.

           “I’ve noticed how you’ve been staring at my feathers. Is there any particular reason why? Trying to discover how to do it yourself?”

           “No, nothing like that!” You said as you shook your head again. “Before…before I left home, I had this weird dream. You see, I remember in that dream I was walking through a forest and all of a sudden it started raining red feathers. I didn’t know what it meant, not that I do now. I think that I was led here by something.”

           “Let me see your book,” said Keigo.

           You were more than hesitant to hand it over. You didn’t like your family, never had, but this was still your family’s spellbook. It was an heirloom. Your hands shook a bit when you held it out for Keigo to take. Someone of his magical caliber would know the weight of a family’s spellbook and would respect its secrets, wouldn’t he? Your heart started beating louder as if Keigo was rifling through your personal belongings.

           Keigo pried open the cover and pulled out a gray and brown feather, and closed the book. He set it gently on a table and kept the feather. Your brows furrowed; you never saw that before.

           “You see, Y/N, I had a strange dream too. A few weeks ago, I dreamt that I was also walking through the woods. I saw a young woman in a green cloak just like yours hand me a book. Inside was a feather just like this.”

           You were acutely aware that you still held onto one of Keigo’s red feathers. A shiver ran down your spine as Keigo slowly closed the gap separating you. His golden eyes looked straight into yours. An alchemical experiment was taking place in his eyes. You could see all sorts of emotions congealing and mixing in there. You were too dizzy to distinguish one from another. Keigo took your hand that held his red feather in the one where he carried the gray feather. He clasped your fingers between his. You felt his blood race in the center of his palm.

           “Do you believe in soulmates, Y/N? Because I don’t know how else to explain this.”

           “I…don’t know,” you answered honestly.

           “Can I kiss you?”

           “Y-Yeah.”

           Keigo pressed his mouth against yours, hands still clasped together. His free hand found your waist, and his thumb began to draw infinite circles on top of your bodice. You kissed before (not that your parents would ever know), so this shouldn’t have been anything new. But the way Keigo moved his lips against yours and how his tongue slowly teased you, it felt like being kissed for the very first time. Your hand moved to caress the back of his neck, which brought your bodies a lot closer.

           Suddenly, you were falling. You landed on a pile of pillows that weren’t there before. Keigo landed on top of you, shedding his outer coat. He went back to kissing you without missing a beat. Your fingers deftly unlaced the front of your bodice and let Keigo peel it away. You weren’t a virgin anymore, but that didn’t stop the goosebumps from arising in your skin when he touched you, kissed your skin, or teased you with his adept tongue. Calloused hands moved under your skirt to remove your bloomers and a couple layers of petticoats. Keigo nestled between your thighs, gently humping you. Your face darkened while he continued and played with your clit. Your back arched like a bow as you came for the first time that evening.

           Keigo leaned above you, smiling like a triumphant demon of seduction. The illusion sold a lot better if he wasn’t panting slightly or dripping with sweat. A wooden box carried by a team of feathers wandered into the room. They set the box in Keigo’s hands. He opened the lid and turned to you.

           “Want to try an experiment with me?” He asked.

           “What kind of an experiment?”

You were just coming down from your high when Keigo took out the contents of the box and set it aside. In his hand, he held two large, dark orange flowers.

“This is Epifagus Aboreum. You pull the flower from the stem and suck on end. I’ve heard that it produces a very ‘relaxed’ state of being. Do you want to try it with me?”

You nodded.

You and Keigo carefully removed the flower from their stems. You watched Keigo suckle the end of the flower, which looked like a horn to blow into. You did the same. There seemed to be no effect at first. Not for long, however. In ten minutes, you and Keigo were back at peeling each other’s clothes off. Skin never felt so alive under your hands. You could feel his heart racing. Mouths pressed together again. Licking and nipping at each other while you rolled around on the pillows. Keigo’s hands palmed your breasts while you rubbed his shoulder with one hand and stroked his cock with the other. Your head felt heavy and light at the same time. The stars shining through the glass dome appeared brighter and more clear. Candles flickered with a multitude of colors, shifting, changing, morphing.

“Oh, Keigo,” you moaned as the man suckled on your neck, making sure to leave a love bite.

“Do you feel good?”

“Mhmm, yes.” You hummed.

           “Wanna continue?”

           “Yes!”

           Keigo shifted you onto your side and lifted one leg over his shoulder. The blunt head of his cock brushed against the wet seam of your cunt. He slipped twice, unable to get it in the right way. The third time proved the charm as he slid inside your walls without much more effort. Your cunt fluttered around him. From this angle, you could see everything he did to you.

           His first thrusts were sloppy as if he couldn’t figure out what angle to pound you with. Keigo quickly got the hang of it and rutted against you, fast and hard. You weren’t aware of how loud you were. His body moving on top of and inside you created new sensations you couldn’t understand while under the influence of the flower-drug. Stars burst in front of your eyes with each stroke of his cock. There was no beginning or end. It was just the two of you. You clawed at the pillows as you tried to find purchase. Your mind was going blank.

           “You feel so good, baby bird. Fuck, where have you been all my life?”

           “O-Over the brook and through the woods. At grandma’s house.”

           This made him chuckle, though it didn’t stop his rough treatment of you. Keigo’s grip was bruising, but you don’t feel any pain. There was no cause of complaint when he was burying himself deep inside of you. You couldn’t tell if it was just him or if the flower-drug made him thicker. His veiny ridges created the right amount of friction against your inner walls.

           You were both panting like dogs in heat. You moved your hips against him, and his calloused fingers tweaked your clit.

           “K-Keigo…”

           “Me too, baby. I’m gonna cum...so hard.”

           Keigo was an honest man. After what seemed like hours of him railing you, Keigo groaned loudly. He shoved his cock all the way in until the blunt head brushed along your cervix. You didn’t have time to climax first before he was releasing all he heads straight into your womb. Warmth spread throughout your body. The drug, Keigo’s cock, and the cum painting your insides white were all enough to have your eyes roll into the back of your skull. You came shortly after.

           The room was spinning so much after coming so hard that you couldn’t move a muscle. Apparently, Keigo wasn’t better. He was still inside your body when he rolled over and laid you on top of his chest. His cock remained buried deep, all the way in, when conscious hit you both.

           When you awoke, you still lay on top of Keigo. You looked down to find you had been inside. Even though he was still asleep and limp within the confines of your pussy, that ddin’t stop the naughty grin across your face. You were awake and fully alert. No drugs in your system could prevent you from feeling Keigo unhindered. You moved your hips up and down, impaling yourself on his cock. You braced your hands on his hips to help steady yourself.

           Keigo stirred when he felt himself grow hard and feel the moist walls of your cunt, sucking him in. He rubbed his eyes, then laid back to enjoy the view. Your breasts bounced seductively in front of him as you rode him just as hard as he rode you the night before. Keigo couldn’t resist palming each breast in his hands and play with your nipples. Your hair swayed with each of your movements like a warrior-queen riding her powerful stead.

           He heard footsteps climbing up the stairs, but he was too lazy and felt too good to make you stop. Whoever it was, they were about to get an eyeful of your ass, and easily you took his cock. Keigo wore nothing but a smirk. Your eyes were heavy-lidded while you concentrated on riding him. You couldn’t hear a thing other than the wet clap of flesh against flesh.

           A tall, feminine figure approached. Her white bunny ears grazed the top doorway before she stopped dead. Your back was turned to her, so you did not see her. Keigo looked past your form and gave her a curious look. You were too busy to notice him. His friend quickly disappeared rather than wait in the doorway for him to finish with you. Keigo snapped his hips upwards to meet your every downward thrust. He teased your clit to ensure a speedy climax. Keigo filled you up again and let you scream to the high heavens. You held his hands as you came around him one more time. Keigo pulled out gently and pulled a couple blankets literally out of thin air to cover you with. While he dressed, once more, you drifted to sleep. Keigo gave one last look at you from the doorway and smiled to himself. He quickly turned into the hallway to find his friend. The sooner he figured out what she wanted, the sooner Keigo could return and spend all of his time with you and learning everything there was to know about you.

[tealquacks]

Sunlight Over Me (No Matter What I Do)

Originally posted here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27618575

Massive thanks to @dontatkiwi for helping me edit this.

Enjoy!

——————

Dream gave him black armor that glistened in the moonlight. Schlatt, for as strong as he was, swayed under the weight. The heat. Dream’s words sounded funny, as if he was speaking to him through water, form shifting like a verdant mirage. They stood in a grey stone tower, staring down at the world. Schlatt leaned against the balcony. The sun slowly inched up over the horizon, golden beams burning his eyes. Manburg sprawled out below them in all of its glory, the podium still decorated for the festival. Birds chirped and called for their mates, flapping from tree to tree. The air smelled fresh and cold, a gentle breeze carrying the smell of the sea. It would be a beautiful day, an even more beautiful night once the war was over. Schlatt sighed.

They wanted him to fight, didn’t they? Even though he had everything to lose. Wait, he didn’t. He’d already lost everyone, except for Fundy and Manburg. Now that was his everything, all he had to live and die for. How lonely. But still, he would fight. He was big and strong and so was his heart, and everything would be fixed soon. Schlatt reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask. He drank slowly. It did nothing to satiate his thirst. If anything, the burn of the alcohol made him feel thirstier than he’d ever been before. His mouth opened, then he shut it hard enough to make his tongue bleed. Quackity’s name died on his lips. His tongue throbbed from the pain, but it was worth it to keep that name out of his mouth. He didn’t need a weakling around him. He never needed anyone. He could win wars with the smallest gestures, he could topple towers with his whiskey scented breath. The rapid pounding of his heart was a war drum. He took another swig, washing away the iron taste of blood.

Quackity had had the audacity to look at him with tears in his eyes before scampering away. The White House was ugly as shit and deserved to be taken down, so something beautiful could grow in its place. But Quackity just couldn’t understand that. They fought. Schlatt didn’t remember what he said, just that Quackity shot him and left in fear. Quackity was a deer. A deer. His darling little fawn. Deer. With big black eyes and terror coursing through his veins. And Schlatt was a wolf, a predator, an emperor. He was stronger than everyone. Cowards, all of them.

“All of you are fucking cowards.” He muttered. Dream turned his head, giving him a masked glare. Schlatt flipped him off, and laughed. He slumped against the tower wall, metal clanging against stone. No knives would be put into his back. Not tonight. Not by a deer or a man in a box or anyone else.

Dream wouldn’t talk to him. They weren’t friends, they didn’t even trust one another, but the end justified the means. They could at least agree on that. If Dream was his second in command, they’d at least get shit done. But when he and Quackity worked together…

It was good at first. Quackity was easy to sway to his side with a simple talk. They drank wine before going to bed, a glass for each of them, and Schlatt would always pick on Quackity for stirring a bit of honey to negate the bitterness. Things felt less foggy back then, and he could spend a whole day without drink. Then Quackity wanted them to marry. Quackity wanted so much, but couldn’t read the room for shit, couldn’t see what needed to be done for Manburg to prosper. He never knew what was needed. Soon a glass for each of them turned to half a glass for Quackity and three for himself. After Quackity left, three glasses turned into downing close to the entire bottle before collapsing into bed, cold and alone. His room was filled with empty bottles.

An arrow flew at the tower. It impaled itself in the stone. He didn’t even flinch. The people around him erupted into action, knocking arrows and shouting about holding the tower. It needed to be held. He took his helmet off, sweat dripping down his face. He ran his fingers through his unkempt hair. A matted portion right by the base of his left horn stopped his fingers in their tracks. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d bathed or combed his hair. Surely his horns would look horrid, too, crusted with dirt, and his goat like ears were probably matted, too. He laughed quietly, wiping the sweat off his face.

God it was so fucking hot. The sun was so gold, so glorious, and hung heavily in the sky. It felt like an omen. A swarm of people ran to the tower all wearing the same armor, chest plates and helms that made them look like a flock of black flies. He took a drink from his flask, fire burning his throat. He couldn’t remember what the hell he’d put in it. Alcohol, and some of his other favorite things.

Dream grabbed his arm. It hurt. He shouted something that Schlatt couldn’t hear. But Dream looked away and jumped from the tower. Of course, Schlatt followed, stumbling over the balcony, toppling head first down, down, down, his body landing with a splash in a bit of water. The sun was high in the sky— where had that time gone? He crawled from the murky water, kicking his boots off into the fields. They landed in a half grown patch of wheat, resting in the rich farmland. He felt so hot. The sun, the sun, the glorious sun, pummeled him with heat.

Lucky for him, his grip on his flask didn’t waver when he fell. He guzzled from the flask and staggered to his feet, shoes squelching in the black earth. The people shot at one another. Arrows hailed down from the high balcony of the tower. Some went up, too. Fireworks crackled, thick, sulfuric smoke filling the air. He walked away from the tower.

This wasn’t his fault, it couldn’t be. It was Wilbur’s. Fucking Wilbur, that sanctimonious bastard with all of his grand ideas of victory and freedom. Just because he was pretty and eloquent didn’t mean he was a good leader. Wilbur was a warmonger, an idealist. So the logical thing was to banish him. Yet he still decided to start a war against him, his presidency, the peace he had made. All he wanted was to bring peace, where had the peace gone? He’d done all he could. Gotten rid of all the evil bits, all the useless bits. The weak parts. He’d scorched the land down to the soil, new things would grow.

Fireworks crackled nearby. He unclasped his netherite leggings, letting them fall to the ground. His chestplate went too, both of them striking the earth with a satisfying thud. Someone shot at someone. Someone was screaming. Every firework blast made his head throb, the shouts piercing his head like a knife. He drank again, stumbling forward. The grass looked so green. Manburg looked so beautiful, decorated for the festival. He closed his eyes. Tubbo had so much potential, it’s a shame he couldn’t see past the short term. It’s a real shame.

When he opened them, he was standing before the ocean, sinking into the sand. He stared out at it. The air smelled like salt. Waves pounded the beach, as if the tide was at war with the earth he stood on. But the waves had made the beach, and the earth was nothing but a place for him to mold as he pleased. A high pitched noise came from nowhere. He kicked at the sand. He took a swig from his flask, the alcohol sloshing around until the last drop went down his throat. He dipped it into the raging waves. Water sounded so nice, especially the ocean, glimmering like diamonds in the bright sunlight. He’d been drinking. And yet, he still felt so, so thirsty. With one hand he tilted it up into his mouth, with the other he loosened his tie. The sharp taste of salty water hit his tongue, and he gagged at how cold it was. Still, he swallowed. God. Where was he?

Manburg. His Manburg. With raging oceans and deep forests and supple farmland. He had made it so, so wonderful. Washed the bugs from the nation, but now they returned like a swarm of locusts. His heart felt like it would explode. Everything around him was so blurry and too bright, the heat was driving him crazy. It had to be the sun. So thirsty. The salt tasted bad. Bad things were fine, they made you stronger. And if there was one thing he was, it was strong. He had to be, or they’d eat him alive, and leave his bones to bleach in the sun.

The world around him felt blurry, the world shifting. Like a mirage, almost, ears ringing. He stumbled over something. Darkness fell around him.

When he opened his eyes, there was a wooden floor beneath him, and more bottles. He finally was free of the horrible sun, and surrounded by bottles of drink, a perfect combination. Looking around, he noticed the dirt walls and the hole in the ceiling, and realized that he was in his little hideout, where he would go in the day to hide. Of course, there was alcohol. He poured the salt water onto the floor, picked up a bottle, and sipped from it. Whatever was in the bottle was strong, almost tasting like a protein shake, nice and refreshing. Wonderful. He drank. Maybe after all this blew over, he and Fundy could work out together. And he could work things out with Quackity. It would all be fine. Of course they’d have to spruce Manburg up a little, take down the ragged, unorganized buildings, and build from the ground up. Then he and Quackity would be married in winter and be one another’s warmth. Come springtime, they’d watch Manburg grow. Together.

No, that wouldn’t happen. He was weak. Quackity was weak.

He gracelessly lowered himself to the floor, legs shaking like a baby deers. Once sitting, he pulled out a lighter and a cigar. He flicked his thumb on the lighter once, twice, then took a long draw of the cigar. It did nothing to calm him. Someone poked their head in. Then they ran away. He took another draw of his cigar, hands shaking. Then, he drank again. Draw, drink. Draw, drink. His heart banged against his ribcage. His heart was a war drum. Once all this was done it would all be back to normal. There would be peace, he could rest, and be at peace. He’d go back to being president. And everyone would kneel to him and he’d celebrate be happy even without the alcohol and the drugs.

Happiness. Peace.

A flood of noise rushed into the place he was hidden. He tilted the bottle up, licking around the glass rim before letting it pour down his throat, trying to chase the high. It burned his throat like bile, but had a sickly sweet aftertaste.

Someone touched him.

“Schlatt, what are you doing?” A warm, familiar voice said. Schlatt frowned, squinting at the source of the noise.

“...Wilbur?” He slurred. He looked around, eyes finally focusing on Wilbur. His coat and scarf were tattered, stained with soot and blood. So many people were around him. Dream, Tommy, Purpled, Tubbo, and Wilbur. Everything smelled like gunpowder and iron. They stared at him. Their eyes burned like the sun. He chuckled.

“What are you doing?” Wilbur repeated. Schlatt looked around frantically, a smile blossoming on his face.

“What the hell? Is this a surprise birthday party?”

He knew it wasn’t. As if anyone would care enough to celebrate his life. He took another long drink of whatever was in the bottle, emptying it, and picking another one up from the floor. It burned his throat in a wonderful, familiar way. Wilbur shouted at him, but that damn high pitched noise made his words incomprehensible, making his ears twitch frantically. The drink was good at least. A protein shake, maybe. With creatine, probably, something that would make him big and strong, untouchable, unhurtable, hammer curls, his head spun. He tried to catch his breath, taking deep, even breaths. He counted, trying to calm himself. The voices around him picked up but he couldn’t discern one from another, it was simply a cacophony, a horrifying sight, and he couldn’t breathe.

People around him talked. He finished the bottle, and dropped it, then took another bottle from within his jacket. He tilted his head back, taking a long drink. Up, in the sky, no, standing on the roof—

“Fundy?” He screamed, “Fundy what are you doing here!?!”

“Schlatt, are you fucking drunk,” Fundy deadpanned.

“Fundy are you— “

Fundy dropped down from the roof, right in front of him. His fur was matted in places with blood and dirt. He’d been fighting. The one person he thought he could trust. Staring at him. Big black blank eyes. Like a deer, a deer in fox clothes.

“You BITCH!” Schlatt howled. He lashed out at Fundy with the bottle. Who’d lift with him now? Fucking bitch.

“Schlatt, you fucked up the country, you fucked up everything! You had a dream and I followed it and you brought it downhill.”

Schlatt drank. He didn’t want to hear it. His heart wouldn’t stop violently hammering against his ribs. His arm hurt.

“You ruined it!” Fundy continued, “you ruined everything we had!”

Maybe the shake had something in it. Was he talking? His skin felt wrong. Too hot. The sun crawled through the windows. It crept through the ceiling.

“I thought you were something,” Fundy shouted.

Schlatt glared at him.

“Oh my fucking God. Yeah, I am something, I’m what you’re not, Fundy.”

His cigar had burnt out. He needed another puff to stop his hands from shaking. With quivering hands, he flicked the lighter. No flame came out. He’d need more butane. He flicked the lighter again, and a tiny flame lept out. There we go. He lit his cigar, taking a long, deep pull. The world around him was spinning, like a little carnival ride.

“What am I not?” Fundy barked. Schlatt breathed acrid, grey smoke into his face.

“I’m a man,” Schlatt hissed.

Everyone gasped. Wilbur went up in his face. His mouth moved, but the words that came out didn’t make sense. He slammed the bottle into Wilbur, over and over, until Fundy came back into his eyesight. He broke the bottle against his armor. So many people were shouting. Someone had a sword— he had a sword? Rage took over. He slashed it at Fundy. Chased him. Then stumbled back. If he was speaking, he couldn’t tell. Thought and words had all blended into one. What the hell was in the drink?

He didn’t care. He grabbed a new bottle and chugged.

Something sharp pressed against his forehead. His eyes fluttered, before finally focusing onto whoever was in front of him. Blond hair, blue eyes— Tubbo? No. Tommy. Tommy held a crossbow up to his head. A twinge of fear made his heart lurch in his chest. Was he going to kill him? Don’t, don’t. He stared at the crossbow.

“Victory or death,” Wilbur exclaimed, so proud. He would’ve been a shit President. Schlatt couldn’t help but give a small chuckle. This was his country. His. Nobody else knew his plans to rebuild, and they’d all fail. They weren’t as strong as him.

“You know if I die, this country goes down with me.”

“No it doesn’t, Schlatt,” Tommy said, voice calm and level. Schlatt laughed, and drank. He swallowed down the liquid. Right there in front of him stood Quackity. Sunglasses hid those doe eyes from him. His heart felt like a clenched fist. It hurt.

“I had everybody turn on me,” he said darkly, “in my time of need, everybody left. You left.”

His fist connected with Quackity’s face before he could even think. Quackity stumbled back. More words stumbled from his mouth, but he didn’t know what he was saying anymore. He wanted to collapse. He wanted to not have to be strong anymore. His breath caught in his chest. He couldn’t breathe.

“You made a mistake, you made the biggest mistake by not taking me—“

“You’re pathetic, Schlatt!” Fundy crowed.

“This is your fault and your fault only,” someone else said. They weren’t wrong. He’d fucked up over and over.

Schlatt just mumbled and cried out whatever he thought. His body was separated from his mind. He didn’t know what he was saying. Bad, bad, everything was bad and doomed, oh god.

Tommy pressed the crossbow against his chest. He coughed. The breath left his body. Oh god they were going to kill him. Under the bright sun. The sun. People were talking. Too many people were talking, voices mingling with the ringing in his ears, a horrifying symphony. He wheezed. Something was burning. Toast? Wilbur looked at him. Said something. He drank. That had to help. Nothing could help. Something was happening.

He didn’t feel good. One last puff. Had to help. Had to get him stronger. Didn’t feel good. His heartbeat crescendoed. So many people were looking at him but they wouldn’t help, they wouldn’t help, were they just going to watch? It hurt, it hurt so bad, why wouldn’t they help him?

The pain in his chest made him crumble. His head hit the hard floor. A weak gasp escaped him, and his empty eyes gazed up through the hole in the ceiling.

The sun stared down at his body.

[toysoldiers-rwby]

[CS] 9. Team APCX

Cutting Strings

Characters: Aurora Glade, Penny Polendina, Ciel Soliel, Ashley Xanthic, Winter Schnee, May Marigold Word Count: 4k

Apex. The edge or outcrop of a vein. The highest point of interest, excitement; the climax. The highest point; peak; vertex. The pinnacle of an achievement. The predator surprasing all others, without equal.

Team APCX. Specialization: Search and Destroy.

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  Combat Performance at 78%  

The training today was a little different. Or At least it felt a little different. For one, Ciel and Aro was early. Second, May and Fiona was sparing Aro and Xanthic, instead of the usual one on one with their unofficial mentors.  

“Will you Happy fucking Huntresses stop giggling!?” Xanthic yelled. Winter and Penny briefly glanced at the doubles fight. Fiona only laughed harder, her Deep Pockets swallowed every hard-light knife Xanthic would create and throw. As an excessive display of skill Fiona even summoned the push knives, throwing it back and colliding with another aimed at her head. “Aaagh! Are you serious Thyme?!”  

Penny couldn’t help but to giggle behind her hand. May’s experience and history with Aro put the mechanic at a sever disadvantage. Fiona was already able to cloud Xanthic’s high cognitive functions with both verbal and nonverbal taunts. The pair was hopeless out matched on nearly all levels but awareness, thanks to their cybernetics, and Dust manipulation.  

“Aaagh!” Aro’s feet slammed the ground, the immediate area glowing bright with purple Dust. May and Fiona floated off a few feet before vanishing. Arrows lodged out of the ground floating several feet above her. Then it pulsed, arrows shooting down with so much weight it either snapped or logged deep into the metal tiles.  

They didn’t hear the sound of flesh and bones slamming onto the floor. Xanthic fired and threw knives into the Field. It disappeared and reappeared to hit the wall. Sometimes there would be a surprised gasp or a taunt, “Oh! That was close.” Fiona would sing. The geniuses was separated and had no intentions of regrouping. In fact… perhaps Xanthic was trying to distance herself from Aro?  

“Marigold!!” Aro roared, “I promise I won’t burn ya’ too bad, doll!” Penny’s processors nearly caught on fire as she tried to analyze the sound. It had a deep distorted rumble and an echo. Where did it come from? According to her databanks, feline Faunus could roar but Aurora Glade was a goat.  

Aro spun around, embers of smoke and fire slipping past her lips. Penny leaned in, but was held back by Winter. Focus completely engulfed Aro’s eyes. They glowed a bright blue, the pupils a devouring white. There was also a red glow on her face. From the Dust infused jewelry that pierced the bridge of her nose.  

May was suddenly behind her. She glanced at Winter then at Penny. Her grin grew larger. Hands reached for those golden cybernetic horns. She winked. Then pulled. Aro gasped, head jerked back and back crashing to the floor. A cloud of fire plumed out of her lips, harmless against May’s Aura. The Huntress laughed. She pinned Aro with a boot to the mechanic’s sternum. The bayonet and notched arrow of her crossbow pointed at Aro.  

"You lose, doll." May drawled back. With no signs of exhaustion.  

Aro took several deep breaths, embers fluttering from her lips. She eventually relaxed, hands held up in surrender. Focus fluttered off. The glow from the Dust jewelry faded but Aro’s face was still very rosy and red. Without her semblance, Aro didn’t trust the words on her tongue. Penny could see the mechanic work her jaw but it eventually slipped out, “I… disagree…”  

“Of course you would,” May grinned. She offered a hand and effortlessly pulled her up- “Duck!” Just to shove her back down.  

Across the room Xanthic and Fiona was still fighting. A hard-light arcing off a saber and soaring further into the training room. Penny gasped hands up and Aura bolstering. Instead she was swept off her feet and tackled to the ground, Winter pressing her body tight to the floor.  

The arc of hard-light energy was larger than anticipated, that or it was growing as it moved. The wind it dragged behind it nearly lifted Winter off her, but Penny wrapped her arms around the Specialist until it passed.  

Winter got to her feet, “Marrow! Ciel!”  

The arc of light was definitely growing. By now it was nearly a tidal wave or a wall.  

“Shit!” Marrow growled.  

“Slow!” Ciel’s Clockwork hit the hard-light attack. It nearly paused in the air, moving inch by inch instead of yards. Without movement it seemed to slowly fade and flicker out, as if a fire was burning through its oxygen. Ciel groaned, Clockwork collapsing just as the hard-light wave completely flickered out.  

“Sorry! Sorry about that!” Fiona yelled.  

Everyone grumbled and Winter stood. Her hand offered to Penny. She didn’t need the help but showed appreciation for the gesture with a smile. It was a little tricky to control how much weight Winter pulled. When they looked back at the duo Xanthic was a little dazed on the floor with Fiona sitting on her abdomen.  

During all the panic, the Aura buzzer went off. Xanthic was at five percent while Aro’s technically good enough to continue with her Aura at fifteen percent. Fiona and May helped their defeated opponents out of the training room.  

Winter cleared her throat. She was now a few paces away, sword pointed at Penny with her free hand behind her back. Penny frowned at it. She knew from pre-installed recordings and live observation that the second blade only came out when Winter was challenged. The Specialist had yet to wield the second blade at Penny.  

“Shall we continue? Or would you like to forfeit, Ms. Polendina?” Winter taunted. Her smirk wasn’t as guarded.  

"I’d prefer it if we continued, Opponent Winter," Penny said. Behind her Floating Array flourished all fourteen components.  

Every sparing match with Winter was frustrating and intense but it was the little things that made this different. Winter moved more like Aro, fluid and loose. Almost like water but still not completely free of the stiffness the military had beaten into her. She smiled, taunted, sneered and goateed Penny into several mistakes. The Specialist always commentating on the opening but never actually taking the chance to strike.  

Penny huffed, synthetic voice trying to restrain a noise of frustration but only vibrated in her chest. The elite graduates were toying with them. No matter what variable Penny adjusted, her calculations and assessments about Winter and her summons were wrong.  

She couldn’t calculate how many creatures Winter could summon. They ranged from a tiny flock of Nevermores to the current pack of towering Alpha Beowolves. They lunged straight forward. All five pierced straight with one sword each in its skull. Five more appearing above her. Penny was forced to doge backwards, her visual sensors barely catching a glimpse of white as Winter entered striking distance.  

Her processors were nearly overheating. Multiple swords and guns yet she could not find an opening to strike Winter directly. With simple gestures, summoning Glyphs appeared around Penny. Sometimes close enough that a claw would emerge first, a solid hit chipping away at her Aura levels.  

“Stop reacting and force me on the defensive!” Winter yelled.  

Penny paused and frowned at Winter. Whatever expression she had stunned the women and her Beowolves for a moment. Theoretically P.E.N.N.Y could take initiative but without any kind of input to create a solution or to even analysis a problem-  

“Penny? Penny!” Several voices yelled for her.  

Her vision went black for a moment. Under her eyelids Penny could see lines of code and a list of errors. For a moment Penny thought she overheated, forgetting to breath and exhale all the hot air her power unit and Aura generated. The errors did list some heating problem in her processors but the main source of the errors the logical contradiction.  

Penny took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Her head still felt hot, and the light seemed too much for her systems so she shut them again and waited a few moments. She did sit up, which was effortless, much to the relief of Winter.  

“What happen? You’re Aura level was fine then…” the Specialist paused. She didn’t mutter or mumble, but the soft tone was definitely close to it.  

“Cutie dot exe stopped working,” Aro blurted out. Penny frowned, squinting open her eyes to glare at the mechanic. She blushed, ears flickering around in embarrassment. Aro tried to hide behind Focus but that just caused her eyes to flicker. It reminded Penny of the little robotic goat she was still working on, how it processed knew information with blinking lights and tilting it head.  

“Please stop being adorable so I can stay made at your for that horrible comment,” Penny grumbled. That had the opposite effect. Aro scoffed, trying to rebuff the statement by crossing her arms and straightening out. The act wasn’t complete due to her red cheeks and nervous twitch of her ears. Thing she couldn’t hide without Focus.  

Winter and May sneered and chuckled. Winter handed Penny some water and she gulped it down. Her systems instantly improved, transferring the liquid to her cooling systems and lowering the temperatures in her head.  

Fiona and Xanthic didn’t pay them much attention. They were too busy watching the last bout. Marrow and Ciel were tied with both their Aura levels around 50 percent. The Ace Oprative looked nervous and surprised. During all these practices… they haven’t sceen Ciel fight.  

Ciel’s weapon of choice was Dust infused chakrams which would let out a powerful explosion on contact with about a minute charge between. Penny’s data was inconclusive. Penny was sure Clockwork was effecting the charging rates and force of the explosion as they rewind through the air to return to her hands.  

“Stay!” Marrow’s voice rang out. His semblance stopped one chakram in midair. He turned quickly throwing Fetch to counter the second. Too close. Marrow grunted as the explosion nearly threw him off his feet. He reach out as Fetch made its return to his hands-  

“Fast forward” Ciel yelled. Fetch’s speed suddenly increased to a near blur! Penny’s software correctly updated, predating Ciel the winner. Marrow gasped, taking a solid hit to his chest. With his concentration broken the first chakram collided with his back.  

Marrow’s aura level was finally below Ciel’s.  

One more hit-  

“Slow!” Clockwork hit Marrow. The chakram that was deflected by Fetch was in her hands, charging bright with red and yellow Dust. Marrow tried to turn, to face her or to dodge but his speed was nearly halved. He didn’t even see the circular blade collide into his back. Clockwork turned off, sending Marrow flying to the ground.  

The buzzer rang with Marrow’s Aura levels at 2 percent.  

“Congratulations!” Penny yelled to her teammate. May and Fiona cheered with her. Winter wouldn’t but there were still two more voices missing. Penny frowned and looked at her teammates. Both genius look put out and unhappy for APCX’s only victory.  

Xanthic let out an annoyed sigh. “Out of all of us… It was her that won against the graduates,” She grumbled, lightly glaring as Marrow and Ciel walked towards them.  

“Perseverance triumphs natural talent,” Winter said. Eyes paused on Aro who signed something at her, "And no effort." Her eyes shifted to Xanthic who did a universal insult gesture with her fist.  

Aro sighed, handing Ciel a water bottle. “Congrats…” Aro said. Ciel sneered before taking small sips between heavy breaths.  

“I’d like to think she had a good teacher!” Marrow mumbled. His arms were crossed and jaw jutted out in a pout.  

“You were brilliant,” May said patting his shoulder. The praise felt more like condolences even to Penny. Marrow only grumbled a little more. “But we got good news for APCX!”  

“Oh?” Penny asked tilting her head. It must have been really good if it kept slipping past Winter’s stoic professionalism.  

“We might be able to start Team APCX as second or even third years on the Accelerated Program.” Winter said.  

“How exactly?” Ciel asked.  

“A field test!” May said with a grin. She looked at Aro who was already smiling, “Seems like I finally dragged you on a mission.”  

“Only took five years,” Aro rolled her sea-green eyes. “When? My remaining customers are Atlas students so I might be able to hold it off.”  

“I’m free.” Ciel said with a shrug. There was a long expectant pause from everyone but Xanthic who nearly seemed amused. Ciel glared at the younger Spymaster, even elbowing her. Xanthic’s broken blue Aura flared cross her body. “You didn’t tell them?”  

“Ow! It’s public information!” The hacker said, “Not my fault if the military over looks shit.”  

Ciel sighed, rubbing her temples. “I graduated yesterday.”  

An awkward silence fell over the graduates. They looked immensely guilty though Penny failed to reason why. Ciel hadn’t requested any special accommodations, just a reasonable request not to be disturbed during class. Aro tapped her chin a little in confusion as well.  

“Congratulations? We don’t really have formal schooling in Menagrie.”  

“I graduated when I was 14.”  

“I think my education would be similar to homeschooling,” Penny finished.  

Ciel scowled at her teammates, “And I was the only one that won, so stop showing off.”  

Despite May’s reasoning, Ciel refused to celebrate and insisted on continuing to the field test. Upon hearing it was immediate, Xanthic tried persuading Ciel into a small celebration or even small lunch out. With a wicked smirk Ciel refused. Winter and May took some pity and took Team APCX around to buy clothes appropriate for combat outside of the protective walls and heating grid. Fiona and Marrow didn’t accompany them but left for other errands. Ciel didn’t look happy that Winter payed for it but relaxed a little seeing the Atlas Military logo on the credit card.  

Xanthic continued to stall, arguing with Aro and Winter about who’s transport to take. Xanthic’s was airship may be the fastest but it was also not equiped for combat. Winter’s was the most durable in the odd chance they ran into flying Grimm but not suited for sustained nights out. Aro was a non-military but due to business trips was equipped with defensive turrets and comfortable living space.  

"Tsunami has made it out of several fights with the White Fang, Bandits, and Grimm," Aro argued. “Besides we have two of the best huntresses in Atlas!” Penny tuned the elite’s arguing and antic for while now.  

Instead enjoying a calm conversation with May and Ciel.  

“Honestly I’m just lucky it was Marrow,” Ciel admitted softly. “He’s a rookie and underestimated me. I think Aro and Xan have it the hardest. You and Fiona was just playing mind games the entire time.”  

May huffed playfully, arms crossed over a her chest, “They deserve it!”  

“I still think you could have won if you didn’t feint,” Ciel said looking at Penny. Penny heated up, and played with her hands. She was confident in that assessment but so far the statistics were proving her wrong. “You and Winter don’t have years of history, she’s just better and smarter than Marrow.” Penny nodded but couldn’t particularly voice anything.  

“Winter right though,” May said. “You need to stop waiting for the first move.”  

“It’s difficult,” Penny protested weakly. If there was a pattern Penny could easily plan ahead but Winter had to many variables. And that was without adding the Glyphs.  

“You have good instincts,” May ruffled her hair. “List to 'em.” Penny grumbled and pouted.  

The arguing trio finally settled for Aro’s airship. The AI was advance enough auto-pilot a course and take off so even Aro could be present during the mission debrief. Though when Penny glanced over to her she wasn’t really paying attention. She frowned, elbowing the mechanic to focus.  

Their mission was a simple Search and Destroy. There was a few packs of Sabyrs and Nevermore wandering closer to Mantle and growing in numbers. Team APCX would be clearing them out.  

The first Sabyr pack was killed before they had a chance to leave the transport. While May was trying to convince the newly graduated Police Officer to jump out of an airship, hundreds of feet off ground and into a pack of Grimm, Xanthic had created a hard-light sniper canon. Practically a cannon or a railgun. Each shot was powerful enough too jerked the transport a little.  

One shot split into three and within a few minutes the pack of Sabyrs fell.  

By the end of it Penny’s audio system was on a horrible feedback loop. Her processors frying until she had to reset them. She could only imagine the physical pain everyone else must be in. With the exception of Deaf Aro who was laughing. She weakly seperated May and Xanthic, her head tucked into May’s shoulder as the Huntress made grabs for Xan’s neck.  

The hacker grin’s smug grin briefly disappeared and reappeared as she signed, expressions melding into shock that was still sarcastic without words. May tried shouting back but it was garbled and crackling to Penny’s ears. She restarted her audio systems again as May shoved Aro to the side, hands furiously signing insults and other comments. By the time Penny’s hearing was functioning, Winter had walked back into the main cabin.  

“Enough,” She sighed. Winter looked slightly in pain. Penny wasn’t sure if the cockpit would have amplified the gunfire or not. “Can you two please play along?” She asked Aro and Xanthic.  

“Fight to the best of your abilities but somehow limit yourself so we can conveniently judge you into arbitrary categories!” Xanthic said. Her lively sarcasm and faux cheerful tone making everyone chuckle or giggle. Even Winter.  

“I’m trying my best to appease both parties,” Winter explained rubbing her temples again.  

“Fine,” Xanthic drawled. “I’ll pretend to be a hopeless damsel.”  

The next pack of Sabyr wasn’t much of a challenge. The hardest part was getting Ciel out of the transport.  

“Just land near me!” Aro yelled up as she fell.  

Penny stood at the edge of the airship, grinning at Ciel’s unease expression. “Aro has masterful control over gravity Dust and your Aura should protect you from further damage.” She said before stepping off. Ciel could soften her landing with her Clockwork, though that would be better tested in a nonlethal scenario.  

Far below Aro’s cybernetic legs fired a powerful burst of fire. It cleared the area of Grimm, the Sabyr directly under her now faded into ash. Penny unfolded Floating Array from her pack. She charged it at her leisure, the cold of Solitas allowing for increased power without overheating. All fourteen guns fired at the ground, softening her landing until she angled them forward. Penny intercepted a Sabyr lunging for Aro’s back, two blades slicing it open with a flick of her wrist. Aro hummed. Or purred? Penny would probably need to have a hand on her chest to feel if it vibrated or not.  

“I’ll be sure to return the favor, doll.” Her glowing blue eyes winked at her. Above them, Ciel’s scream was increasing in volume while Xanthic’s laugh was much fainter. “Xan probably had to push her out… or May.”  

“Or Winter,” Penny mused beside her. Penny sent her blades out again, piercing two creeping Sabyrs and causing the rest to hesitate. Aro stomped on the ground, her metal legs humming loudly as a pulse of gravity Dust engulfed the area. Ciel’s fall slowed when she finally entered the gravity field. She took deep breath’s clutching her chest and flailing to get her feet under her.  

Penny helped the official officer land. Then the field shut off and Xanthic slammed deep into the snowy ground, “Ow…” Penny stared at her a little skeptical. It was still at a mildly unsafe height but snow is supposedly soft.  

“See! It wasn’t so bad.” Penny smiled at Ciel.  

“Yeah, no one of important social value got hurt,” Aro with a Xanthic-eque bored tone. Ciel sneered, it turned into chuckling when Aro lightly kicked the hacker. “Come on. The faster you quit dragging your feet the sooner we can go back to the stuffy kingdom and the nice warm smog and shitty walls.”  

“Ugh. Fine.” Xanthic huffed. The hacker finally got to her feet and brushed the snow off her new thick coat. “You’re paying for Ciel’s celebration dinner.”  

“We are not celebrating.”  

They naturally drifted into pairs of twos. Penny and Aro naturally dashed into the growing horde of Grimm. Penny was the only person able to keep up with Aro and had the close range abilities to defend them both. With hard-light blades being propelled at explosive force, the Sabyrs fell in one hit. Any that tried flanking was pierced, sliced, or shot down by Penny.  

Ciel and Xanthic almost seemed bored, taking care of the Grimm from a distance. Whenever Penny was jumped high in the air she could see an undisturbed radius of snow around the pair. Even without Xanthic’s ridiculously overpowered sniper rifle, Team APCX finished the pack faster than expected. Winter landed the airship looking a little flustered and frustrated. May laughed trying to rub her shoulders to calm the women down.  

“Maybe we should just drop you on a pack of Sphinx and Manticores,” Winter said under her breath.  

“Let’s start with the Nevermores,” May suggested.  

The Nevermores was much more challenging. Penny and Xanthic were the only ones with weapons able to reach them. The cold of Solitas made their hides thicker than the average Grimm. If one managed to through the thick layer of ice. Every time Penny would charge Floating Array or Xanthic would fire up Alter Ego, feathers tripled their size would sail at them, interrupting their focus and causing the ground to shake a little at the impact.  

“Rewind!” Ciel tried firing those feather back but only managed one hit. The bone of the feather pierced into its wing, crippling its altitude. It screeched loud, causing everyone but Aro to wince.  

The mechanic launched herself into the air. Several explosions pushing closer and closer until the injured Nevermore beat its good wing. The gust of air sent Aro flying back towards them but the gravity manipulator righted herself and skid to a stop.  

The second Nevermore cried out louder, it’s attacks growing more frantic. A hail of razer sharp and incredibly dense feathers was shot at them. Penny frowned. It had created a clear divide from Aro and her team. Penny tried closing the gap as much as possible. Then the uninjured Nevermore started it’s dive. The snow made it a little difficult, even with it melting against her heated body it was still up to her thighs.  

Aro’s passive gravity didn’t cause her to sink into the snow. She stood atop of it, lowering herself to a crouch. Aro flashed a few signs at Penny without glancing in her direction. Then she suddenly moved, jumping onto the talons.  

“Aro!” Penny fired Floating Array quickly closing the distance. Aurora held out her hand and just managed to pull Penny onto the Grimm’s feet before it took off into the air again. The metal women took a deep breath, venting all the heat her Aura was generating.  

“Sorry, I forgot you don’t know sign language,” Aro said with a guilty smile. They briefly glanced down. The injured Nevermore was grounded, the large feather that Ciel shot back at it made it impossible to fly but it’s ridiculous size made it hard to approach or even damage. “Plans?”  

Penny watched the Nevermore screeched, mouth wide open. “Insides are always soft and unarmored.”  

“And… red,” Aro said with a blanch. Red was commonly associated with blood. Was Fiona and Robyn’s story about her hemophobia accurate? Penny shelved the question for later.  

They made their way to the top of the Grimm. Aro simply ran up it’s curved body, the gravity core in her legs roaring over the hard winds and heavy wingbeats. Penny slowly pulled herself to the head with Floating Array and the near invisible strings.  

Once it noticed the two huntress-in-training, the Nevermore screeched and thrashed in the air. It had little to no effect on Aro. Holding onto a Grimm the size of a building was the easiest accomplishment Penny had in months. The mechanic continued up until it reached is jaw. She stomped one foot into the hinge of its jaw and looked at Penny.  

“Ready? This might blow me off!” She yelled and signed over the wind.  

“Combat Ready!” Penny yelled back.  

She heard the cartridge in Aro’s legs change. Then a loud explosion. Penny could even feel the heat from the shoulders of the Grimm. Once the bright flash had died Aro was nowhere to be seem and the mouth was hanging open. Penny winced, happy that Grimm were mysterious creatures void of proper biological functions. The blood would have been horrific. The Grimm screeched and thrashed much more. Instead of charging all fourteen guns of Floating Array she kept four embedded into the bone like-texture, keeping her grounded as the rest of the guns charged.  

This blast completely pierced the Nevermore. The sudden silence confused her audio sensors. It fell from the sky and Penny rode the disintegrating corpse down as long as possible. She regrouped with her team, easy to find with a cloud of steam rising from Aro’s heated augments. Ciel and Xanthic had easily finished off the downed Nevermore and seemed to be helping Aro cool off by burying her legs in the snow.  

Combat Performance at 95%

[jeffreystewart]

Norsery Rhymes from A to Z Happy Thorsday – Prince Egil One-Hand, Berserker of the Many Rings Well here we are another Thor’s Day and another 20 min sketch of a Norse (and Germanic) mythological characters.  This week it’s Egil / Egill One-Hand mentioned in the Egilis Saga.

TLDR at the bottom.

Hi name has been translated to ‘Awe’, or ‘Fear’, or ‘dread’ combined with ‘edge’ or ‘point’ of a weapon. Which unlike the farmer Giant Egil who shares his name, where the meaning had the context of being afraid of the sword. Egil here, much like Egill Skallagrimson, is meant to imply the use of the sword, and that others should be afraid of his blade’s edge.

His father was King Hring of Smaland, and Ingibjorg the Earl’s daughter of Gautland. As a young man, Egil and his friends were known for going around causing lots of trouble. Egging each other on to do dumber and more selfish things that upset and hurt the people and animals of the land. Loving spending more time in the forest than the city.

 One day he and his friends decided to see who could swim across a great lake. During the swim a fog formed on the lake, and while his friends fell behind, Egil pushed on into it. But the fog went on for days, with no clear path to land no matter what direction he went. It’s not known if the fog was a natural one, or one sent by the Gods to punish Egil for his arrogance. But eventually there was a break in the fog on an unknown shore. Egil couldn’t stand, move or stay awake for another moment. He fell into a deep sleep that lasted nearly as long s his time in the fog.

 He awoke to find himself in a large columned cave home, now the prisoner of a giant. Who informed Egil that he was now his goat herd, and that he would kill him if he did not perform his duties.

 Over the course of the next year, Egil recovered from his near week long swim. He tended the goats, who were difficult for him, got stronger, and plotting his escape. At the end of that first year, Egil, after careful planning, managing to sneak away and run for his freedom beyond the Giant’s home. He had been swift and careful, and made a good distance. But on the fourth day from his escape he found the giant, with his large stride, and his intelligence, had followed Egil’s footprints, and caught up to him. Egil was caught again.

 The giant, upset at Egil’s escape, but not wanting to kill him, clamped forty pound bands around each foot (or leg) that he would have to wear at all times.

 It took him a long time to learn to walk with that weight, while still being expected to perform his goat herding duties. He knew he could not simply run away again, especially slowed down as he was.

 Time passed, and Egil got used to the weight, getting stronger and stronger, living a simple, but uneasy life forced to tend the goats.  Feeding, caring, milking, and retrieving the ones who ran off.

 It was seven years since his capture, and one night while off retrieving several lost goats, he came across a cat with golden eyes. Capturing it before returning to his captor’s home.

 The Giant was curious how Egil had been able to find the goats in the dark. Egil told him that he cold see In the dark because of his golden magic eyes that had captured starlight in them. The giant not believing him said he’d never seen him use other eyes before and asked if he could see them. Egil at first refused, asking for a promise that the Giant wouldn’t steal them. When the Giant agreed, Egil uncovered the cat’s eyes from under his cloak, reflecting the firelight in them. Telling the giant that there was a magical procedure that allowed him to remove one set of eyes and replace them with the other.

 The Giant after hearing this wanted them very badly, but knew he could not force Egil to tell him how to make his eyes exchangeable for the other. So he offered Egil his freedom for both the eyes, and the procedure to use them.

 Egil agreed to the deal. The giant agreed to be tied to a column in the cave to avoid trashing about during the operation. But once Egil had the Giant’s eyes he apologized saying that the procedure had failed while throwing the eyes into the fire.  The Giant, sure that he had been tricked ran to the front door of the cave, blocking the way and locking the door.

 After a long while considering his options now, decided on a plan. After several days, he killed one of the goats and made a goat costume for himself. Egil getting into his disguise waited for the Giant to open the door for the goats to go graze, started a stampede. The Giant felt at each goat as it went by, and was almost fooled by Egil’s disguise before he realized he couldn’t hear the click clack hoof sounds on the stone floor from Egil. The Giant grabbed Egil, trying to kill him with his knife, missing Egil except for his left ear, taking it clean off. Egil in response cut off the giants hand holding him. Taking the hand still gripping him as he made his escape. Along with that hand came a large very valuable ring that Egil could wear as an armband.

 He ran for his life for some time, knowing the Giant could still be following him with his other senses. After a while living in the wild, he came across a Viking ship and it’s company. Joining them he would have been a strange sight, with one, ear, metal shackles on his legs / feet, and Prince’s ring on his hand, and a giant gold ring around his arm. He was a strong man at this point, and learned to be a capable sailor. He would end up leading the company and another once when the leaders of both fought a duel where they both died. Taking the best 32 best from each band, he would go on to raid the Baltic lands. Collecting fame, fortune, and most notably, collecting rings, as he went. It’s never said if he is able to remove his foot / leg shackles.

 One day while out in raiding he saw an island on which two giants, one a male Jotun with a sword, and the other female Jotun noted for wearing a very short skirt. Both fighting over a large gold ring, that appeared to be the giantesses. Egil decided to take the side of the Giantess, as he thought she was the more attacked party, and joined the battle with the giant. Cutting off a large part of the giants upper arm muscle. But the giant was able to get in his swing and took off Egil’s sword arm above the wrist. Egil just managed to get back to his ship, where they departed for safer shores. Leaving the battle unsettled, but the giantess able to keep her ring.

 Egil’s crew tended to his arm as best they could, but were not healers or any skill or magic. Once back at port, Egil had not been able to sleep for several days from the pain of the arm. He went for a walk in a nearby forest, where he met a Dwarf child out fetching water. Egil gifted the child one of his gold rings without it knowing, dropping it in his water pail.

 They parted, and after some time, an older dwarf appeared, asking who had given his child the ring, and wanting to know why they would so willingly part with it. Egil told him he’d given it freely, and that he both had many to part with and that in his pain, he could not appreciate his collection anyway. The older Dwarf thanked him and in as thanks healed the arm of all pain. He then painlessly fitted a Dvergr sword into Egil’s missing arm that would allow him to fight just as easily as if he had a hand, if not more so.

 At some time after that Egil still in command of his company was raiding the Russian kingdom of King Hertygg, when his general Rognvald and ninety six men went to stop the Berserker Egil and his 32 men. Egil and his men won the battle, Egil losing only a few men, but the Russian men losing almost all of theirs. Rognvald himself mortally wounded and only just able to make it back to the King to report on what had happened.

 It was here that the King’s man Gnodar-Asmund Berserkers-Slayer is introduced. Who himself was missing two ears from a time when his Blood Brother Aran came back from the dead and took them. On hearing Rognovald and his story Asmund would go to Egil directly. The two decided on a duel to avoid more lives lost. Three times Egil the ringed berserker with the sword arm and Asmund the famed Berserker-Slayer fought day and night into exhaustion, and without a winner. The fourth duel looked to continue the same way as the others, but as the fight wore on, Asmund managed to get just the slightest advantage, forcing Egil to surrender. Egil does so, much from his respect for Asmund, as for the safety of his men, Egil swore loyalty to the King.

 Egil and Asmund swear themselves blood brothers. Becoming friends they would serve and adventure together over the fall and winter seasons. Setting out with 24 men on a voyage to find the King’s missing daughters Brunhildr. Who though a capable fighter and huntsman had been carried off by an ancient giant monster Hare. And Bekkhildur The Wise who had been carried away by a giant vulture.

 It’s on this voyage that they track them to Jotenheim where they spend months searching shores, islands, forests, and mountains. One day, while their men were suffering from lack of food, they find in a river crosses valley a flock of giant unattended goats. When they go to take one of the Goats however they hear a booming voice from a tall Giant woman who asks who is stealing the Queen of this lands goats. The giantess Skinnnefja reveals herself as the Queen Arinnefja daughter. Telling the Egil and Asmund she will visit the Queen. Egil gives her one of his rings as payment for the trouble despite her protests.  

 The Princes goes on ahead giving her mother the ring and telling her of the men. The Queen askes her daughter to invite the men back to her. When they meet the Queen she seeming surprised at the appearance of Egil.  

 She finds they have not eaten for a week, and immediately goes to have a huge amount of foods like porridge and broth made for the group, asking them to tell their tale as they wait.  They each tell their stories and afterword the Queen tells the men that her two Princely Giant brothers Guatr and Hildr had captured the Princesses to marry them. She offers the men treasures to help them on their quest, leading them to her vault.

 There they see rare treasures beyond count, and in a place of prominence she sits a chest that opens to reveal a hand and quarter arm with a signet ring on it that Egil recognizes. Egil when touching the hand starts to feel heat in his sword arm. The queen tells him another story of a man who saved her from her brother Gautr who wanted to steal her ring, but lost his arm in the process. She then removes the sword from his arm and wraps the stump carefully in magic cloth letting him rest as his lost hand grows back, leaving a mark around the arm where it was lost. His sword refashioned for him to carry it.

The men with the help of their hosts are able to kill the giant brother and save the princesses from their forced marriage. Egil, Asmund and Arinnefja bring them home to the King. He offers Egil and Asmund either gold or his daughters hands in marriage. 

Both men choose the princesses, to marry in a years time. Egil first going back to finally meet his family in their lands to re-establish his claim to the throne, Asmundr to find his family for the wedding in his lands, and Arinnefja to return to her lands to deal with her kingdom’s matters. Arinnefja is huge amounts of gifted drinks, butter, boars and other foods not native to Jotunheim. After the massive party that was the wedding, Egil married Bekkhildur and Asmundr, who had become ruler of Halogaland while there, married Brynhildr, each going off to their lands to rule there.

And wow, I did not realize this description had gotten so long. Hope you enjoyed it, but in case you skipped right here for the TLDR version.

- Dickhead prince gets captured by giant.  - Tends goats for 8 years.  - Escapes by tricking a Giant with a cat’s eyes and goats hide, - Cat and Goat not so lucky. - Giant loses eyes and an arm, - But Prince loses an ear, - But gets a giant ring.  - Becomes Viking, - Starts ring collecting hobby, - Becomes Viking leader. - Defends a Giantess in a short skirt purely for honourable reasons, - Loses arm in the process. - Gives Dwarf child a ring while delirious in pain, - Child’s father heals his arm and gives him a sword arm.  - Invades Russia, smart enough not to do it in the winter, - Defeats Russian army. - Fights soon to be BFF to a standstill 3 times, but loses in the 4th, - Become Blood Bros. - Goes off with new BFF to find captured Princesses, - Get’s hungry, - Finds the Giant woman he helped before is a Queen. - Queen shows him his old hand that magically heals him a new one. - Defeats Giants that kidnapped Princesses, - Saves the Princesses, - Get’s engaged to a Princess, - Goes home to be King, - Gets Married to a Princess.

[vanessaleunghospitalityevents]

Fortune Cookies 20/02/2021

Fortune Cookies Background Story

The reason I chose the Fortune Cookies Recipe is because my family and I celebrate Chinese New Year and it happens within this month. The animal for Chinese New Year, this year it is the year of the Ox. So, fortune cookies remind me of spending time with family celebrating Chinese New Year, but unfortunately we can’t do it this year is because of the COVID-19 pandemic going around the world right now. I am the Tiger, my brother is the Dragon, my dad is the Horse and my mum is the monkey. There are 12 animals that represent Chinese New Year which are Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog & Pig. Chinese New Year is also known as the Lunar Year (or Spring Festival). It starts from the beginning of Spring and marks the end of winter, and a new year on the lunar calendar, as well as the desire for a new life. The texture of the Fortune Cookies is they snap easily, golden bro with a loud crunch and it has a vanilla flavouring with a bit of Star Anise flavour (spice) and hidden inside is a secret message when you open the Fortune Cookies. 

Fortune Cookies Recipe

Ingredients

2 to 3 of egg whites

100g of Caster Sugar

Pinch of Salt

¼ tsp Vanilla Essence

150g of Plain Flour

Pinch of ground Star Anise

115g of melted Unsalted Butter

2 tbsp of water

Equipment

Baking Sheets

Parchment Paper

Metal Mixing Whisk

Wooden Spoon

Large Bowl

Measuring Spoons

Bowls

Timer

Butter Knife

Metal Teaspoon (to get egg shells out)

X2 Tablespoons

Scissors

Ruler

Palette Knife

Cooling Rack

Oven Gloves

Small sharp knife(to cut excess cookie dough when cutting out heart shapes)

Baking Tray

Spatula tool (to get fortune cookies off baking tray sheets)

Measuring Scales

Rolling Pin

Circle cutters

Temperature & Time in the Oven: 175C for 3-4 mins

Cooking Instructions

1)    Pre-heat the oven to 175C.

2)    Gather all of your ingredients & equipment tools together and get your measuring scales and bowls and tools you need out for the kitchen.

3)    Use your measuring scales and measure all of your ingredients (using measuring spoons) which are 2 to 3 egg whites, 100g of Caster Sugar, Pinch of Salt, ¼ tsp of Vanilla essence, 150g of Plain Flour, Pinch of ground Star Anise, 115g of melted Unsalted Butter and 2tbsp of Water into separate bowls.

4)    Crack your 2-3 eggs and separate them both into your hands (separating the egg yolks from the egg whites). Put the 3 yolks into a separate bowl as we need just the egg whites for it for now. Use metal teaspoon to get rid of any egg shell and put into the bin.

5)    Then pour in your 3 egg whites, 100g of Caster Sugar and pinch of salt into large bowl and using metal whisk to mix and combine them together.

6)    Then add in a ¼ teaspoon of Vanilla essence, 150g of Plain Flour and a pinch of ground Star Anise into the large bowl as well.

7)    Use wooden spoon to mix and combine together.

8)    Then use a butter knife to cut your 115g of Unsalted Butter, then put into microwave for 20-30 seconds (keep checking it in case butter burns).

9)    Once melted leave it to cool for 2 minutes and slowly pour it into the large bowl and add your 2 tablespoons of water into large bowl and mix with wooden spoon until it is a nice smooth paste.

10) Once dough is nice and smooth put it into the fridge for 30 minutes until the dough mixture is nice, firm and set.

11)  Pour some flour onto the kitchen table and lightly dust it and dust the rolling pin so the dough doesn’t stick to them.

12)  Open the fridge and take the nice firm dough set out of the bowl and put it onto the floured kitchen table.

13)  Use a rolling pin and roll out the dough until nice and flat. Use some circle cutters and use a ruler to measure 8cm (3 inch) circles and also make sure they are 4cm (1 ½ inch) apart too. (Also use small sharp knife to cut excess dough off outside around circle cutters).

14) Use some butter and spread it all around the baking tray to get baking parchment to stick onto it.

15)  Once the circles have been cut out put them onto baking parchment.

16)  Then put baking tray containing cookies into oven and close the oven door.

17)  Bake and watch them for 3-4 minutes until the edges of the fortune cookies start to brown.

18)  Use oven gloves and take the baking tray out carefully and slowly and close the oven door.

19)  Then use a spatula tool to get cookies out and put it onto the cooling rack for 2 minutes.

20)  Then use a palette knife to remove one cookie at a time and turn the fortune cookie upside down and write a message onto fortune cookie paper.

21)  Then place each fortune paper inside fortune cookie and fold the fortune paper in half.

22)  Then use the tip of your fingers to pinch in the middle of the fortune cookie and fold again in half to give a fortune cookie shape.

23)  Put to one side to cool and harden (if they become too hard, return the cookies to the oven for a few seconds.

24)  Store in an airtight container for 5-7 days.

25)  Then serve and enjoy (Makes 2 dozen).

[thecreaturecrossroads]

GENERAL

name: Caoimhe Maeve Aisling

alias(es): Keeva, Young Keeva, Keevy(Do NOT call her this! Ever!)

gender: Female. She/Her

age: 500+

date of birth: September 21

place of birth: A liminal space out in the Scottish Highlands

hometown: Oaken Castle, Mount Eyrie, Liminal Border

spoken languages: Fae Common, High Draconian, Common Selkie, Irish/Welsh/Scottish/British Gaelige. Common Demonic. Mountain Dwarfish, Common Elfish. Frost Fae Common and more.

sexual preference: Pansexual, Demiromantic

occupation: Ruler of Mount Eyrie, Guardian of the Last Gates

APPEARANCE

eye color: Golden

hair color: Medium-Dark Brown and White

height: Between 5′5 and as tall as she feels like being.

scars: A bullet wound scar over just above her heart, Various knife wounds on her body as well as talon marks.

burns: Light burn marks on her hands from touching Iron.

over weight: Yes.

under weight: Why?.

FAVOURITE

color: Aqua, Turquoise, Sage Green, Royal Green.

hair color: Black/ Silvery Blue/ Red

eye color: Eh.

song: The name of it doesn’t translate well into Human English.

movie: What?

tv show: What’s that?

food: Wild Boar, Pheasant soup, Blackberries, Meat Pie, Chocolate anything. Honey Anything.

drink: Hard Honey Apple Cider or Mead. Moon Peach cider, Elderberry Wine, Current Wine.

book: She can’t pick just one.

HAVE THEY

passed university: She was a Midwife and a doctor for a long time so yes.

had sex: Yes.

had sex in public: Yes.

gotten pregnant: No.

kissed a boy: Yes.

kissed a girl: Yes.

gotten tattoos: No

gotten piercings: Yes.

had a broken heart: Yes.

been in love: Yes

stayed up for more than 24 hours: Yes.

ARE THEY

a virgin: No.

a cuddler: Hell yes

a kisser: Yes.

scared easily: No.

jealous easily: Not Typically.

trustworthy: Generally.

dominant: Depends on the situation. But in general? Yes.

submissive: Again, depends on the situation, but Rarely.

in love: No.

single: Yes.

RANDOM QUESTIONS (tw for self harm/suicide mention)

have they harmed themselves: On accident.

thought of suicide: Yes.

attempted suicide: No.

wanted to kill someone: Yes.

drove a car: No.

have/had a job: Yes.

have any fears: Yes. Cages, Cats. Lowkey fear of Fire. Losing anymore lovers and loved ones.

FAMILY

sibling(s): 3 Siblings. 2 Older sister’s and a younger Brother.

parents: Jean Mairi and Gavin Donnchadh(Keeva just calls him that Dead B@st@rd)

children: None

pets: Fae Dogs. Many of them. And of different breed types as well. Winter Moon Moths, Fae Sheep and Goats. She keeps Bees as well.

Swiped from: @magioffire

Tagging: @distoretion

[bluboothalassophile]

hello, blu! i told you that i would be back, hehe but this time i came with a resuest for more chapter of the 1930s AU (aka jack the ripper vibes) or the Vikings AU, i don't know wich one to request, they are both amazing time period, hm, dealers choice!, (right? that's how is said?)

Hello,

Welcome Back! I’ve received several other prompts for the 1930s AU so I do hope you enjoy the Vikings AU! And yes, that’s how the saying goes! =)

Beginning of Something New & Unknown...

It had taken ten days to get to his village, and now he offered a hand to his thrall, she promptly shoved the children at him before she finally accepted his hand, and he helped her off the ship. She was shivering fiercely, and immediately snatched back the baby. He dropped another fur around her, his own; he wasn’t near as cold as her, which had him fine with giving up his furs for his new thrall. She didn’t flinch at his nearness anymore, instead she had changed her tune after one of his men had yell at her kids, and he had intervened.

His thrall was a calm woman, very quiet, he had long since noticed her watchful eyes, but he found it a bit endearing, even as he collected his bundle of gear. His father glared at him as he guided the thralls through the village, and he glared right back. He would not leave a woman and children to the mercies of a fire if he could save them. He was not heartless.

They made it to his farm, which had been in the care of his younger brother, whom he was guessing was not around right now given the peace and quiet.

“This way,” he murmured to them. The little boy grabbed the woman’s hand, and the little girl darted behind the woman’s tattered skirts. He would have to get them proper clothing, and footwear, but he didn’t foresee problems with that. The babe was his biggest worry, he had no idea what to do with a babe, and he didn’t feel right leaving the woman to be the sole caretaker, she was obviously run ragged, and he could see the violent violet bruising beneath her eyes from the voyage.

“Where are we?” she spoke in a language he didn’t understand so he sighed.

“Come on, we’re safe here,” he murmured guiding them to his small hut. The woman tensed when he picked up the boy and the girl and dropped them unceremoniously on his bed, the children looked ready to cry. But with them out of the way in the small space he went about making them a fire. He saw the woman creep over to the children, he motioned for her to take a seat, which she did carefully.

“Thank you?” the woman spoke, and he turned from the fire he had coaxed to life to study her.

“You and the children will be safe here, we will work the farm, but for now rest, it will be a long winter,” he said standing. They would be trapped here all winter, and he knew that he’d have to learn her ways and she’d have to learn his. He saw the little boy hugging the woman’s waist, and the fussy babe in her arms started waking. Carefully he walked over and opened his arms to take the babe, she looked startled.

“Rest,” he said as he took the child before she could protest. Draping the furs over her he pushed her gently down on the bed, and she was too tired to protest as the other two children scrambled to be pressed against her back. Gingerly he started rocking the babe as he had seen the woman do while he looked around for the goats milk his shieldmaiden had shoved at him when they had disembarked from the ships.

He’d have to get a goat of his own, and he had enough saved to do that. Perhaps two goats would suffice.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Rachel watched the man whom she had dubbed Jason to the children as he bounced Jessica and started gathering supplies to feed Jessica. She had named their captor and guardian Jason for the Greek myth she had heard from the monastery, how the ancient Greek Hero had gone on a quest for the Golden Fleece and was a King. Everything about this savage struck her as King like, between how he took care of the people on his ship and the way he fought. Everything about the man commanded respect, but she had no name to call him, so she had settled for calling him Jason.

William pressed into her side and Mary was hiding in her shoulder. Rachel felt her eyes growing heavy as she watched Jason rock and feed Jessica carefully, he was considerate to keep her cousin in her line of sight.

Rachel was so confused about this savage; she didn’t know what to make of him. He hadn’t made a single untowardly move towards her or the children, he had protected them, and looked out for them, even giving them large portions of what was obviously his rations. He had been patient, and let her keep her knife that she had managed to get from one of his men. The large woman with red hair had literally stepped between the warrior she had stolen the knife from and her to keep violence from happening. Jason though seemed to know about her having the knife and hadn’t made moves to take it from her.

He hadn’t pushed himself upon her, and he hadn’t pushed himself upon her cousins, and she was baffled watching this massive man carefully care for a baby that wasn’t his.

Her eyes finally felt too heavy and she felt herself give into the sleep she had been denying herself in fear of what the savages would do to her and her cousins. But now they were safe.

~~~*~*~*~~~

He finished burping the babe, and getting the spit up on his shoulder, which had him sighing before he looked over at the bed. The woman; whom reminded him of the ravens, sound asleep, her two children pressed against her back, dead to the world asleep, and he saw the babe yawn. He didn’t know what to make of this, but he carefully rocked the babe to sleep before walking over to the bed. Lifting up her arm he slipped the babe under her arm before taking the knife from her arm, sheathing it and placing it on the bed near her head.

Fuck.

He didn’t know what he was getting himself into.

[kylo-v]

All V Poems

William Blake, A Dream

Once a dream did weave a shade

O'er my angel-guarded bed,

That an emmet lost its way

Where on grass methought I lay.

Troubled, wildered, and forlorn,

Dark, benighted, travel-worn,

Over many a tangle spray,

All heart-broke, I heard her say:

'Oh my children! do they cry,

Do they hear their father sigh?

Now they look abroad to see,

Now return and weep for me.'

Pitying, I dropped a tear:

But I saw a glow-worm near,

Who replied, 'What wailing wight

Calls the watchman of the night?

'I am set to light the ground,

While the beetle goes his round:

Follow now the beetle's hum;

Little wanderer, hie thee home!'

William Blake, Proverbs of Hell 

In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy. 

Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead. 

The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. 

Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity. 

He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence. The cut worm forgives the plow. 

Dip him in the river who loves water. A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees. 

He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star. 

Eternity is in love with the productions of time. 

The busy bee has no time for sorrow. 

The hours of folly are measur’d by the clock, but of wisdom: no clock can measure. 

All wholsom food is caught without a net or a trap. 

Bring out number weight & measure in a year of dearth. 

No bird soars too high, if he soars with his own wings. 

A dead body, revenges not injuries. 

The most sublime act is to set another before you. 

If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise. 

Folly is the cloke of knavery. Shame is Prides cloke. 

Prisons are built with stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion. 

The pride of the peacock is the glory of God. The lust of the goat is the bounty of God. 

The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God. 

The nakedness of woman is the work of God. 

Excess of sorrow laughs. 

Excess of joy weeps. 

The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man. 

The fox condemns the trap, not himself. 

Joys impregnate. 

Sorrows bring forth. 

Let man wear the fell of the lion, woman the fleece of the sheep. 

The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship. 

The selfish smiling fool, & the sullen frowning fool, shall be both thought wise, that they may be a rod. 

What is now proved was once, only imagin’d. 

The rat, the mouse, the fox, the rabbit: watch the roots; the lion, the tyger, the horse, the elephant, watch the fruits. 

The cistern contains; the fountain overflows. 

One thought, fills immensity. 

Always be ready to speak your mind, and a base man will avoid you. 

Every thing possible to be believ’d is an image of truth. 

The eagle never lost so much time, as when he submitted to learn of the crow. 

The fox provides for himself, but God provides for the lion. 

Think in the morning. 

Act in the noon. 

Eat in the evening. 

Sleep in the night. 

He who has suffer’d you to impose on him knows you. 

As the plow follows words, so God rewards prayers. 

The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction. 

Expect poison from the standing water. 

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. 

Listen to the fools reproach! it is a kingly title! 

The eyes of fire, the nostrils of air, the mouth of water, the beard of earth. 

The weak in courage is strong in cunning. 

The apple tree never asks the beech how he shall grow, nor the lion, the horse, how he shall take his prey. 

The thankful reciever bears a plentiful harvest. 

If others had not been foolish, we should be so. 

The soul of sweet delight, can never be defil’d. 

When thou seest an Eagle, thou seest a portion of Genius, lift up thy head! 

As the catterpiller chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys. 

To create a little flower is the labour of ages. 

Damn, braces: Bless relaxes. 

The best wine is the oldest, the best water the newest. 

Prayers plow not! Praises reap not! 

Joys laugh not! Sorrows weep not! 

The head Sublime, the heart Pathos, the genitals Beauty, the hands & feet Proportion. 

As the air to a bird of the sea to a fish, so is contempt to the contemptible. 

The crow wish’d every thing was black, the owl, that every thing was white. 

Exuberance is Beauty. 

If the lion was advised by the fox, he would be cunning. 

Improvement makes strait roads, but the crooked roads without Improvement, are roads of Genius. 

Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires. 

Where man is not nature is barren. 

Truth can never be told so as to be understood, and not be believ’d. 

Enough! or Too much!

William Black, Earth’s Answer

Earth rais'd up her head,

From the darkness dread & drear.

Her light fled:

Stony dread!

And her locks cover'd with grey despair.

Prison'd on watry shore

Starry Jealousy does keep my den

Cold and hoar

Weeping o'er

I hear the Father of the ancient men

Selfish father of men

Cruel, jealous, selfish fear

Can delight

Chain'd in night

The virgins of youth and morning bear.

Does spring hide its joy

When buds and blossoms grow?

Does the sower?

Sow by night?

Or the plowman in darkness plow?

Break this heavy chain,

That does freeze my bones around

Selfish! vain!

Eternal bane!

That free Love with bondage bound.

William Blake, Love and Harmony Combine

LOVE and harmony combine

And around our souls entwine,

While thy branches mix with mine

And our roots together join.

Joys upon our branches sit,

       Chirping loud and singing sweet;

Like gentle streams beneath our feet,

Innocence and virtue meet.

Thou the golden fruit dost bear,

I am clad in flowers fair;

       Thy sweet boughs perfume the air,

And the turtle buildeth there.

There she sits and feeds her young;

Sweet I hear her mournful song;

And thy lovely leaves among,

       There is Love: I hear his tongue.

There his charmed nest he doth lay,

There he sleeps the night away,

There he sports along the day,

And doth among our branches play.

William Blake, Songs of Innocence, “Infant Joy”

I have no name

I am but two days old.—

What shall I call thee?

I happy am

Joy is my name,—

Sweet joy befall thee!

Pretty joy!

Sweet joy but two days old,

Sweet joy I call thee;

Thou dost smile.

I sing the while

Sweet joy befall thee.

William Blake, Poetical Sketches

Oft when the summer sleeps among the trees,

Whispering faint murmurs to the scanty breeze,

I walk the village round; if at her side

A youth doth walk in stolen joy and pride,

I curse my stars in bitter grief and woe,

That made my love so high and me so low.

O should she e'er prove false, his limbs I'd tear

And throw all pity on the burning air;

I'd curse bright fortune for my mixed lot,

And then I'd die in peace, and be forgot.

TO THE MUSES.

WHETHER on Ida's shady brow

Or in the chambers of the East,

The chambers of the Sun, that now

From ancient melody have ceased;

Whether in heaven ye wander fair

Or the green corners of the earth,

Or the blue regions of the air,

Where the melodious winds have birth;

Whether on crystal rocks ye rove,

Beneath the bosom of the sea

Wandering in many a coral grove,

Fair Nine, forsaking Poetry!

William Blake, Auguries of Innocence

To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour

A Robin Red breast in a Cage

Puts all Heaven in a Rage

A Dove house filld with Doves & Pigeons

Shudders Hell thr' all its regions

A dog starvd at his Masters Gate

Predicts the ruin of the State

A Horse misusd upon the Road

Calls to Heaven for Human blood

Each outcry of the hunted Hare

A fibre from the Brain does tear

A Skylark wounded in the wing

A Cherubim does cease to sing

The Game Cock clipd & armd for fight

Does the Rising Sun affright

Every Wolfs & Lions howl

Raises from Hell a Human Soul

The wild deer, wandring here & there

Keeps the Human Soul from Care

The Lamb misusd breeds Public Strife

And yet forgives the Butchers knife

The Bat that flits at close of Eve

Has left the Brain that wont Believe

The Owl that calls upon the Night

Speaks the Unbelievers fright

He who shall hurt the little Wren

Shall never be belovd by Men

He who the Ox to wrath has movd

Shall never be by Woman lovd

The wanton Boy that kills the Fly

Shall feel the Spiders enmity

He who torments the Chafers Sprite

Weaves a Bower in endless Night

The Catterpiller on the Leaf

Repeats to thee thy Mothers grief

Kill not the Moth nor Butterfly

For the Last Judgment draweth nigh

He who shall train the Horse to War

Shall never pass the Polar Bar

The Beggars Dog & Widows Cat

Feed them & thou wilt grow fat

The Gnat that sings his Summers Song

Poison gets from Slanders tongue

The poison of the Snake & Newt

Is the sweat of Envys Foot

The poison of the Honey Bee

Is the Artists Jealousy

The Princes Robes & Beggars Rags

Are Toadstools on the Misers Bags

A Truth thats told with bad intent

Beats all the Lies you can invent

It is right it should be so

Man was made for Joy & Woe

And when this we rightly know

Thro the World we safely go

Joy & Woe are woven fine

A Clothing for the soul divine

Under every grief & pine

Runs a joy with silken twine

The Babe is more than swadling Bands

Throughout all these Human Lands

Tools were made & Born were hands

Every Farmer Understands

Every Tear from Every Eye

Becomes a Babe in Eternity

This is caught by Females bright

And returnd to its own delight

The Bleat the Bark Bellow & Roar

Are Waves that Beat on Heavens Shore

The Babe that weeps the Rod beneath

Writes Revenge in realms of Death

The Beggars Rags fluttering in Air

Does to Rags the Heavens tear

The Soldier armd with Sword & Gun

Palsied strikes the Summers Sun

The poor Mans Farthing is worth more

Than all the Gold on Africs Shore

One Mite wrung from the Labrers hands

Shall buy & sell the Misers Lands

Or if protected from on high

Does that whole Nation sell & buy

He who mocks the Infants Faith

Shall be mockd in Age & Death

He who shall teach the Child to Doubt

The rotting Grave shall neer get out

He who respects the Infants faith

Triumphs over Hell & Death

The Childs Toys & the Old Mans Reasons

Are the Fruits of the Two seasons

The Questioner who sits so sly

Shall never know how to Reply

He who replies to words of Doubt

Doth put the Light of Knowledge out

The Strongest Poison ever known

Came from Caesars Laurel Crown

Nought can Deform the Human Race

Like to the Armours iron brace

When Gold & Gems adorn the Plow

To peaceful Arts shall Envy Bow

A Riddle or the Crickets Cry

Is to Doubt a fit Reply

The Emmets Inch & Eagles Mile

Make Lame Philosophy to smile

He who Doubts from what he sees

Will neer Believe do what you Please

If the Sun & Moon should Doubt

Theyd immediately Go out

To be in a Passion you Good may Do

But no Good if a Passion is in you

The Whore & Gambler by the State

Licencd build that Nations Fate

The Harlots cry from Street to Street

Shall weave Old Englands winding Sheet

The Winners Shout the Losers Curse

Dance before dead Englands Hearse

Every Night & every Morn

Some to Misery are Born

Every Morn and every Night

Some are Born to sweet delight

Some are Born to sweet delight

Some are Born to Endless Night

We are led to Believe a Lie

When we see not Thro the Eye

Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night

When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light

God Appears & God is Light

To those poor Souls who dwell in Night

But does a Human Form Display

To those who Dwell in Realms of day

[wigglybunfish]

Starting this blog with Kaldia character sheet WIP :P

[bun-fish]

The snow has melted

cross-posted on my quieter art blog, @mojayola

[thecoroutfitters]

Written by R. Ann Parris on The Prepper Journal.

Editors Note: Another article from R. Ann Parris to The Prepper Journal. If you have information for Preppers that you would like to share then enter into the Prepper Writing Contest with a chance to win one of three Amazon Gift Cards with the top prize being a $300 card to purchase your own prepping supplies!

On a budget or waste-minded, now and especially in hard times – whether they’re personal or widespread – making the most out of our time and labors, and the foods we’ve grown or purchased, is important.

There are some additional tips for increasing ease and variety in the article about food preservation from a prepper-specific perspective (http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2018/08/01/preserving-the-harvest-canning-and-dehydrating/) and there are some inexpensive tools that can make food preservation faster and a fair bit easier on the hands (and on the back, and feet, and knife sharpener…). Here I’m hitting some quickie snippets that increase the frugality, efficiency, and ease of our home preservation, as well as some that increase the variety and options we have waiting in our cupboards.

I assume some basic familiarity with the most-common preservation methods, so make sure to check out the intro articles on TPJ and get the Ball/Bernadin canning book. The Excalibur dehydrating guides and recipe booklet is available for free online for download, too. It’s largely applicable to any electric dehydrator.

Into the Eats…

Churn out tongue-pleasing treats by dehydrating things like watermelon and cantaloupe. We can just slice them, or we can give them a whirl in a blender to turn into leathers or roll-ups.

The natural sweetness isn’t just a treat for a mood boost. It’s also a way to get an energy boost from nice, natural sugars and keep on trucking awhile.

Oddball bits of produce? Can up some antipasto or spicy pickle mixes. Anything works – peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, cucumbers, zucchini, celery sticks or kohlrabi spears, summer squashes, beets, carrots, green beans or wax beans, leftover olives, pea pods, even the odd egg or some leftover smokies, meatballs, or larger sausages.

It’s especially useful for larger flat types of green beans or lima beans that normally don’t make great green beans, but that will otherwise be wrecked by changing weather or the small percent left when most of the harvest has finished and we want to turn that bed/row/field.

Those small bits can also be easily canned as veggie medleys or soup starter.

Dehydrating is also an excellent way to preserve foods when we only have little bits and pieces of any one thing, but more than we’ll eat before it goes bad (especially without refrigeration).

Canning soup blends? Like mushrooms? Throw a couple of slices into each jar. That’s all you need to have the flavor permeate.

We can also dehydrate and then mince or grind mushrooms (from cans, too), for a little bit that goes a long way in sauces and broths.

Roast veggies before pressure canning. It provides deeper flavor as well as sometimes affecting the textures that result, especially for things that are prone to going mushy.

We can dehydrate our own quick-cook beans. Boil up some extras – plain. Rinse them, spread them out to dry, and store them with a moisture or oxygen absorber. When we’re ready to make them, we can either simmer for 20-45 minutes, or soak them for the day or overnight and they’ll be ready to heat and eat.

*Cook the beans plain, and either simmer or rehydrate with seasonings.

We can do bean purees (refried, humus), too, spread out like we’re making leathers or roll-ups (spaghetti sauce and applesauce, too). We can pummel them into bits or carry strips and chips with us, then quickly rehydrate them into a meal or side, campfire or kitchen.

The dryer/harder we get those, the longer they’ll last, like any dehydrated foods.

With seasoned beans and anything that includes fats and oils, the shelf life will decrease pretty significantly compared to plain – it’s that head-scratching wheat berry, flour, pasta conundrum again.

Line a bowl or pitcher with a storage bag to save the liquids from canned and drained frozen fruits to make jelly or syrup. Not sure of the sugar content? Use tapioca or corn starch for “now”/fridge versions or try a no-sugar pectin.

Those no-sugar pectins will store for years past best-by dates in the fridge, and may come in handy some time when we’re canning and realize there’s not enough sugar. (Jams and jellies require as much sugar as fruit, just about.)

While we’re making jelly, don’t rely on recipes’ times. We can always re-boil or use syrup, but for rock-solid, consistent results, use a chilled-spoon/plate or sheeting test.

Corn cobs that have had the kernels removed can be boiled down and turned it into homemade “Karo” or “Golden Eagle” corn syrups to use as a sweetener. (The cold-plate test is an excellent way to judge how far your syrups have gone, too.)

Scraps

Almost anything we can or dehydrate creates scraps. Most of those scraps can have a second and third life. Veggie peels and bones can be made into stock. Most fruit peels and cores can be soaked and turned into jellies.

Can, freeze, or dehydrate the mash strained from making jelly. It can be used for leathers/roll-ups, teas, animal supplements and treats, or flavoring breads, muffins, yogurt, oatmeal, sorbet/ice cream, etc.

We do want to be aware of dangerous/toxic seeds and remove those as needed. However, save the “safe” seeds removed from oversized cucumbers, squashes, and pumpkins – they can go to any birds, and most can go to hogs or goats.

Once we’ve gotten the very last use out of our foods, there’s the compost option, but most of the peels, cores, pods/shells, and tips are perfectly safe to add to animals’ feed or save for treats and winter-spring health boosts.

Prep Extra Jars & Lids

Jams, jellies, and pie filling are a bit notorious for filling up a little less or a little more than a recipe calls for. That’s due to fruit’s initial water content, and how long we process it, but it can happen with anything – hot pack or cold, pressure canning meats or water bathing tomatoes.

Having an extra jar on hand makes overage no big deal. There’s no stopping to wash more.

Having a pint, half-pint, or 4-oz jelly jar on hand already clean makes it even easier to adjust on the fly when we have a little more or a little less of something.

Having the spares on hand and ready to go also means we don’t have to stop in the middle, wasting time (and, from prepper perspectives, fuels) while we chase down a lid and rewash it.

Size Matters

Sometimes life is easier with fewer choices, and it’s definitely easier to organize and arrange things if we have nice, modular pieces. Even so, while prepping for home preservation, get a variety of jar sizes.

    In a grid-down or emergency situation, we may not be able to keep leftovers very easily, and there are things we just don’t go through very fast. Small and tiny jars of herbs and condiments help with that, even now.

Some smaller jars also help us with gifts and potlucks now, and will increase options later. It lets us compile a variety of goodies instead of just one thing. That can help us with both bartering and even “brown bag” lunches later.

Which goes right along with…

Open What You’ll Use

Especially for canning, preserve foods in reasonable one-use sizes. With a big family, we might very well want chicken cubes in a full quart. For only a couple of people, pints or half-pints are more reasonable and for some of us, little jelly jars might actually be the best-fit to avoid waste.

Tiny jars are especially helpful for sausage stuffing, lil’ smokies/shortie hotdogs, rillettes or pate, etc. that might be just a snacky-meal or special treat, or that we might be pocketing to take hunting, exploring, scouting, etc.

Smaller and oddball-shaped jars are also applicable to things like ham hocks or turkey necks that will be seasoning foods more than serving as a primary protein source.

Having small jars on hand will also let us PC some of our precious meat leftovers when it’s too hot for snow-bucket coolers but power is too precious for running fridges.

(It’s not as big of a deal for dehydrating or dry goods, although we might work in sizes we can move through or easily repackage there, too.)

Stock & Pasta Pots

We can use any ol’ pot for WBC; we don’t have to buy a specific canner (although, the lift racks are admittedly nice). That means we can tailor which pot we use to fit the most jars per load, avoid stacking, or having to reach uncomfortably high.

That last will keep more people productive and useful in a crisis as wear-and-tear on the body and lack of easy meds takes its toll. It also avoids shorter people dealing with the hassle of a tall canner on a standard stove, whatever their age or physical status.

*Also, you might want to keep both short and tall people in mind when setting up outdoor and emergency-times kitchens (or any kitchen). Tall people can flip an apple crate upside down to increase counter height and short people can stand on it for extra reach, but it’s nice to limit bending and climbing and decrease slip-fall risks when possible.

Just throw forks, butter knives, canning rings, or a towel in the bottom of the pot to buffer jars, or use a pasta strainer insert. Otherwise, the jars develop weak spots at the joint of the bottom piece. It usually won’t affect this batch, but the next time those jars hit a canner, we’re likely to start seeing a higher percentage of breakage due to the weaknesses.

  Preservation Quickie Tips

There are a lot of ways we can decrease food waste – besides just tossing something for compost.

Keeping our animals in mind and holding some of the summertime gluts back for them to enjoy during winter will keep them happier and help keep their guts primed and ready for varied foods during the season of grains, bagged feed, and typically one-type grass hays.

The critter clean-up crew really deserves its own article, as do super-star mechanical helpers like a very simple mandolin or hand-crank food processor.

Meantime, there are a million ways we can make canning, especially, a little easier and faster, and increase our efficiency in preserving foods, not only making use of every last bit, but also economizing our time.

Pretty much everybody who’s been at it a while has a trick they’ve developed or picked up that’s not in most canning or dehydrating guides. It’d be great to hear a few more.

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[grimlegate]

Childish Parallels

              “Vennec? Why don’t you help Momma by stoking the fire?” Tight coils of frizzed hair bounced as the woman turned her head, wiping dampened hands on the front of her apron. The younger of the two sons sat neatly at the table nearby lifted his head, the long vertical horns scraping through the air as he met the warm amber gaze of his mother.

              “Sure, Momma!” The boy called, scrambling out of his seat in an attempt to make his mother happy, ever eager to please, before her voice stilled him once more.

              “Ah-ah, not with the poker, try using your magic.” She goaded, jabbing her finger back at his seat. The small tiefling’s ears drooped for a second, before he clambered back up onto the chair, sucking in a deep breath as his golden eyes almost gouged the hearth. A short exhalation left his lips, throwing an unsure glance off to the side at his brother, who he knew was plenty proficient already. A small noise from where his mother stood reminded him of her awaiting his success and he squeezed his eyes shut, focusing on the image of the smoldering coals leaping to life.

              “Razzah!” The boy cried, his eyes flying open to stare expectantly at the fire, the coals hissing for a moment before a tiny flame ignited over one of the coals. Next thing he knew, he had been gathered up in his mother’s arms, her wings fanning out as she spun the pair of them, the high song of her laughter filling his ears and chest with a warmth that he thrived off of.

              “Oh, my little boy, I’m so proud!” The ram horns curling on either side of her head reflected the warmth of the fire dully, all of the light cast into the room being drawn in by the spark of life and love that dwelled within.

              “It was just a little flame, though…” Vennec huffed, expecting the rush of an inferno as he had seen his father do. A kiss against his temple silenced him for the moment, his mother placing him back down in his seat. Her tail behind her curled in content, the same flat tip as he had lightly smacking against the floor.

              “A flame is a flame! Especially when you bring it up from just a small coal!” She pinched his cheek lightly, her smile wrinkling the corners of her eyes as she let the small incantation fall from her own lips, and the fire leapt at her command. She ruffled the boy’s hair, gave him another kiss on the forehead for his trouble, before heading over to the counter. The steady beat of the knife hitting the cutting board lulled the pair of them, Vennec looking over to his brother who gave him a quick thumbs-up, which the younger reciprocated in turn.

              Moments turned into minutes while the two mulled about at the table, only rising as their mother asked, helping to set the table for dinner, and washing up in turn. Their father’s arrival back to their home was met with the raucous cries of the two boys, both leaping out of their chairs to envelope their father’s legs with arms thrown wide open. The barrel-chested man couldn’t help but laugh at the two boys, picking them up with a practiced ease, balancing one on each hip.

              “You’re gonna be too big for me to pick up both of ya’ soon!” The man chuckled, bringing the boy’s back over to their chairs and setting them down, turning to his wife to accept the kiss she had been waiting to plant on his lips the moment he had gotten home. Dalja couldn’t contain the retching noise as the two exchanged the chaste peck, the older’s tongue sticking out while his ivory eyes glanced at his brother.

              “How come you ain’t grossed out?” He asked, the younger perking up and looking to his brother.

              “Now, now – one day you’ll find someone you love very much, and it won’t be so ‘gross’ as you think.” That was met with another retch from the boy, shaking his head back and forth.

              “Nuh-uh! Girls are gross, they’ve got cooties.” Their mother only shook her head, laughing softly under her breath as she balanced the bowls in her arms, setting them down on the table on top of all of the placemats. Steam rose off of the bowls in thick, pale whisps, accompanied by the soft flakiness of fresh bread and crumbling goat cheese.

              Hardly any words mingled in the open air, only the sounds of the large grandfather clock ticking away in the background and the clinking of plates and utensils as the family tucked into their long-awaited meal. The soup warmed the boy from the inside out, especially when he and his brother had spent almost all of the day outside, trying to help with the chores around the home and with the animals, almost freezing half to death in the process.

              The fire crackled and leapt in the hearth, the woman stopping in the middle of her meal to bring up her little helper’s accomplishment, once more bringing praise down upon his shoulders. The meal came and went, the sun just beginning to dip all the way down below the horizon line when the two boys rose from their seats and washed their messy faces and bowls.

              Vennec bounced on his heels beside his mother, knowing that they were creeping upon his favorite part of the night, holding his breath until she nodded to the bookshelf beside the cabinet presenting his father’s gun. The boy raced to the shelves, fingers hesitating over each and every one of his options until he pulled on the well-loved spine of a book, its pages yellowed and dog-eared. She was already perched in their seat, her wings spread open wide to accept both of the young boys to her side, as she accepted the story and flipped it open to where they had last left off.

              A daring adventure of a charismatic thief capturing the heart of a jaded prince who had become hopeless towards ever fixing his kingdom. The Prince had been caught, accepting his fate at the hands of bandits, until the thief bested them before they had even realized he was there, freeing the other and proving that even against impossible odds, there was still some hope.

              She had almost started the next chapter, when she realized that the pair had fallen asleep, tucked up into her side and sharing in the blissful warmth that her wings ensorcelled them in. She gave Dalja to his father, picking up the smaller Vennec and swaddled him in her arms as she walked to his room. His golden eyes never peaked open, and the grip of sleep had taken a firm hold of the boy, the woman tucking him in tightly and kissing his temple. She lingered by the door, glancing with the same look of love and warmth while her tail shifted behind her, wings stretching as she decompressed a contented sigh, disappearing through the doorway and leaving her bundle of joy to his dreams.

              His fingers clawed for some sort of hold on the dried meat, letting out small grunts and growls as he tried to shred through the food, finally letting out a victorious cry as the piece tore free. The bread he reached for flaked under his fingers, the small pockets of air baked into the bread harsh divots, crunching with an air of staleness.

              The steady drip of the chilled water slipping through the ceiling added to the ambience of the ‘meal’, his mother sat across him from plucking at the food that she had brought back from her latest venture. Her pale skin seemed almost sallow under the firelight behind her, casting part of her face in shadows. The pale glow of Ly’s tattoos lit up the table around him in a soft light, leaving him tracing the patterns in the wood beneath his fingers while he gave his jaw a break from the tough jerky.

              He wished in times like these, when the wind howled its harsh winter breath against the world, the rain dogging its heels, that he could curl up by the fire with a warm meal in his belly – but a meal nonetheless was still perfectly fine by him.

              The conversation had died a few short minutes ago, Lysandros rambling on and on about his day, the things he saw and where he had played – all the while becoming more and more aware that his mom wasn’t truly listening, her gaze seemingly far off and away from him. The rest of dinner passed much of the same way, the boy going back to tearing into his food with reckless abandon, despite how his jaw would protest the next day.

              “You should be getting to bed.” Marie’s comment finally broke the silence that had settled between the two, the boy looking up from his finished meal to her barely touched one. The boy shrugged, slipping out of his chair and padding over to his room, turning his head to watch as she followed him. He slept in the same clothes as he played, hoping into bed while his mother leaned over and tucked him in, the boy entertaining a childish fancy as he looked up into his mom’s eyes.

              “Mom, would you tell me a bedtime story?” The woman seemed unable to comprehend what she was being asked for a moment, before her chest nearly shook with the force of her sigh, rubbing her hands over her face.

              “Honey, mommy is too busy – just… go to sleep.” She said, standing up from where she had stooped to tuck him in, heading back over to the door. Ly couldn’t help to keep the disappointment from his voice, watching as his mother slipped through the threshold of the door.

              “Good night mom, I love…” The door slipped shut, blanketing the room in a darkness, only just barely chased away at the fringes by the markings adorning his skin.

              “You…”

[queennicoleinboots]

Vegan Taco Mac with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr., part 8.5

A/N: Stupid shit, a lot of talk about video games: Dauntless, World of Warcraft, Black Desert Online, geekery, featuring Cutie Pie the Streamer and R.O.B the Nintendo robot character, spilling lima beans

Count Macrula, Count Macula, Jr., FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I returned from Publix and saw Joebear and the spirit of Colonel America smashing the TVs. Joebear had anger issues because he lost to Hecarim in League of Losers too many times. He switched over to playing Dauntless.

FreeLee the Banana Girl saw the TVs being destroyed and was pleased.

"Send FreeLee the Banana Girl to the heavens! She is done here!" Count Macrula shouted as lightning shot out of the palms of his hands.

FreeLee the Banana Girl floated to heaven. Everyone noticed, nodded, and then went on with his or her day.

Joebear then grabbed a TV, walked outside, and took a dump on the TV. I got excited and joined him outside.

Tyler1, Joebear, the cast of PeeWee Herman, Paul the Goat, Patches, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and Nugget screamed. The Grinch hobbled up to Count Macula, Jr.'s castle and grumbled.

Count Macrula sang in dark angelic language before he shouted, "HOOOMMEEE!!!!" in a baritone language. A winter wonderland was blanketing the inside of Count Macula, Jr.'s family of gray bears' castle. A gust of snow entered the windows of the castle and burst them open dramatically.

We were all of a sudden surrounded by great high cathedral ceilings topped with snow. Count Macula, Jr.'s family photos, including his long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears when he was still Colonel Mac, had Christmas ornaments and Happy New Year lights surrounding them.

Count Macula, Jr. himself began to change again. His gray hair now was white, so he was a white bear. He also had bat wings and even sharper teeth.  "Coooool!!!! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!" he shouted as his high-pitched Southern voice echoed in the castle.

"WOW!!! This kitchen looks Santa's workshop on crack!!!" Lindsay shouted as she poked her head in the kitchen door. We heard the jingling of bells. "I didn't know Count Colonel Mac lived in a winter wonderland castle! Wow!!!." She was wearing a blue princess gown today.

We will dub her Princess Lindsay Carrington. 

Count Macula, Jr. skipped over to her and stared at her. "Dear Princess, my name is no longer Count Colonel Mac," he said.

Princess Lindsay Carrington stared at the white cub before her. "Excuse me. I was addressing Count Colonel Mac. I know not of whom thou art," she spoke as she chewed on a corn tortilla chip.

"I am Count Macula, Jr! I have become a white cub due to 2021 coming to town. I am a vambear," the white cub said as he looked directly at Princess Lindsay Carrington.

"So you're telling me that you were formerly known as Colonel Mac, then Count Colonel Mac and that you are now Count Macula, Jr.?" Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.

"Yes," Count Macula, Jr. said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!"

"So much can happen in a grocery shopping trip!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said dramatically.

Patches, Princess Lindsay Carrington's cat, walked in the kitchen and meowed loudly. She shook the whole fucking castle. Snow fell to the ground.

"JEE WHIZ!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted like Tyler1 as he skipped in the kitchen. He had a widow's peak and intense brown eyes. Needless to say, he had a set of lungs on him.

"Are you Count Macula, Jr.?" Patches asked.

"YES!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We juuuuusttt went over this!"

Joebear, Colonel America's spirit, Count Macrula, Mr. Williamson, Princess Lindsay Carrington, Kendrick, Pauno, and Peter's therapist, the cast of PeeWee Herman, the Grinch, and I started cooking the vegan taco mac.

Colonel America's spirit wavered in the air. "I have returned to fill an important role in this story. I am the logic in this otherwise completely illogical nonsensical saga," he announced as he began to boil the canned beans.

"THERE BETTER NOT BE LIMA BEANS IN THERE!" Count Macrula shouted. Then, he stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "Not to mention, you fulfill the Colonel role in these covulted stories." as he was washing the spinach. He laughed a boisterous evil vampire laugh.

"Where are the avocados?" Mr. Williamson asked. "We're supposed to have guacamole with vegan Taco mac."

"Says whhoooooooo??? Yiiiickkkkk!!!" Count Macula, Jr. said.

"Agreed. Fuck avocados. Worst fruit ever. Should be abolished," I said.

"Disagreed. The only thing worse than an avocado is a lima bean," Count Macrula said. He shuddered. "The horror!"

A random bear jumped in the kitchen and said, "I brought lima beans for the vegan taco mac with Count Macrula-" He spilled lima beans all over the floor.

Count Macrula screamed and used red eye rays to disintregrate that poor bear and the lima beans.

I chuckled and continued to chop up peppers and onions.

"So are you not even allowed to bring lima beans in the kitchen?" Reba the Mail Lady asked as she brought a bunch of cans of lima beans into the kitchen.

Count Macrula shot his death rays at Reba the Mail Lady and disintregrated her. Lima beans then exploded out of the cans and all over the kitchen. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! The horror!!!!" Count Macrula shouted as he shot death rays out of his eyes at each and every goddamned lima bean that had the misfortune of being in that kitchen. "Get out of here, you damn dirty beans!!!" He shot lasers everywhere and disintegrated parts of our bodies that were near lima beans. My right ulna hasn't been the same since.

Princess Lindsay Carrington started rinsing the rice for the rice cooker. "That answers our question. Now if I may ask, can we even mention Lima-"

Count Macrula was quickly shooting the death rays in her direction.

"Lima, Peru! It's one of my favorite cities to visit. I say!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she was dramatically trying to catch her breath.

Count Macrula then smiled widely and said, "Why yes! That is one of my favorite cities! You can mention that all you like!" he said as he washing the lettuce with a huge smile on his face.

A female goat stared at him in concern as she was boiling the whole golden kernel corn.

I laughed as a response to the trauma that just occurred.

"Did you know avocados are good?!" Peter shouted as he poked his head in the kitchen.

I growled as I threw the knife I was using to chop up peppers and onions at Peter's head. "Bastard," I muttered. I shot death rays at Peter and missed. "Bastard."

Peter left and started laughing.

"Wow baebae!" Joebear said as he put the macaroni in the boiling water. He set the timer for 10 minutes before doing a sexy bear dance.

"No avocados for me! I didn't buy any!" I said as I growled and continued to chop peppers and onions.

PeeWee Herman picked up the knife, did his typical laugh, and did a goofy walk in the kitchen. He washed the knife before chopping up the tomatillos.

Miss Oreo meowed before she jumped off the window sill in the kitchen. How she was unscathed, I couldn't figure it out.

Pauno then walked in the kitchen. "For people who like guacamole or tacos while they wait, I shall make them rain from the sky!" he announced. "And cue the naked chicks and the riced cauliflower for low carb diets!"

"Thank you," Mr. Williamson said. "Oh. Excuse me. I spoke too soon."

Vampiresses, snow ladies, werewolf women, cat women, and naked lady goats and elven women flooded the castle.

Pauno then walked to the living room and threw his hands in the air. Lightning came out of them as he brought down guacamole, Mexican salsa, nacho chips, riced cauliflower, and many napkins. Everyone in the living room cheered.

Mexican salsa music started playing in the background. Vampires, werewolves, cats, goats, elves, and snowpeople began to dance.

That, of course, was when Count Macrula's phone began to ring. "WHAT IS IT?!" he shouted as he was in the middle of chopping tomatoes at lightning speed. "I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING A LOW CARB DIET. ATKINS IS MY IDOL!!!!"

"THE IT OFFICE IS ON FIRE!" an equally loud woman shouted over the phone.

Count Macrula then started laughing as his ass off as he threw his head back. I could tell he was sick of working. "Let it burn. Fuck 'em. The Gwinnett County Fire Department would never understand the intracies of a low carb diet!!!"

"I CAN'T QUENCH THESE FUCKING FLAMES. I ALREADY PEED DURING MY LUNCH BREAK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK TODAY! I DON'T WANT TO TRY YOUR LOW CARB DIET!!!!" the loud woman shouted.

"Not that I'm aware of. If you would have tried a low carb diet, you would remembered to specifically schedule me for work," Count Macrula said as he raised his eyebrow and chopped the cilantro. "Morpheus, put this cilantro in the pico de gallo!"

"Apparently you will today. All of Gwinnett County is on fire, and we are short staffed! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT A LOW CARB DIET! QUENCH THESE FLAMES BEFORE EVEN MORE HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!!" the loud woman said with a sigh.

Count Macrula sighed. "Why should I be concerned?" He then laughed. "But, yes. Let me wash my hands and put a Dracula mask on. I'll be right over!" he said.

"Halloween's over, you asshole! So is Thanksgiving and so is Christmas, as a matter of fact," the loud woman shouted. "It's 2021 already. Where the fuck have you been?"

"IN A FREEZER!"Count Macrula screamed. He hung up and then screamed again. The vegan Taco Mac was done in a jiffy as a result, like gluten-free low-carb Jiffy cornbread mix. He moved time forward by an hour. Then he returned to normal. "Duty calls," he said as he then flew out of the castle and had the face of Count Dracula.

"What if I told you that you forgot to consider those of us with high blood pressure and until riced cauliflower was a menu item in Chipotle Mexican Grill, you forgot to consider those of us on a low-carb diet?" Morpheus asked as he was preparing the pico de gallo.

Literally everyone stared at Morpheus. Count Macrula's face appeared on the wall and just stared at him. He was trying to shoot death lasers at Morpheus, but his physical body was trying to fly back to the office.

"How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

"No meat. No other animal products. Low sodium. Low gluten. Low carb. Low sugar. Real ingredients. Added hormones. And... limited advocado?" Peter said aloud before he shouted and threw his hands up dramatically, "I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T FUCKING DO MATH!!!!!!!"

"NO LIMA BEANS!" Count Macrula shouted as his eyes had fire as pupils. He was the mirror on the kitchen wall. He was the fairest of them all.

"Would that make it ten dietary restrictions?" Pauno asked as he brought down low sodium chips, low sodium salsa, low sodium guacamole, and low carb taco shells with no salt added. "Kind of like the 10 commandments. Coincidence! I THINK NOT!" The other Greek Gods sang in the background as he spoke with conviction.

"Yes!" Count Macrula shouted. The vibrations of his voice knocked down a bowl of guacomole. "I don't think it's a coincidence, either. Hhhmmmmmmmm!!!!!"

"Goddammit!" Pauno said as he used more energy to create a table that only had bowls of chips and bowls of guacomole on it.

Paul the Goat bleated as he was jacking off. "I'm at a party, JENNA!!! You have a trust fund.... You can go to parties. Why is it my fault the Bank of the Ozarks Credit Card isn't paid off?!.... And? It's under your name!.... WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?! THERE IS GOING TO BE A GREAT RESET AT THE END OF THE MONTH.... LOOK IT UP ON WORLD ECONOMIC FORUMS DOT COM!!!! THEY TELL YOU ON THEIR WEBSITE... I'M NOT MAKING UP SHIT!!!" he shouted as his blue eyes were bugged out of his head. He bleated for twenty-one minutes straight.

Peter couldn't help but laugh. "That's why I ain't EVER getting married," he commented.

"My marriage is fucked up sometimes, too," Joebear said. He was mixing all of the ingredients of Vegan Taco Mac together as his bear booty bounced in the air.

"Yes, you act ridiculous, too, Boo," I said as I smacked his ass as hard as I could.

"Pssh! OWWWW!!!! Bae that hurt!!!! Yeah, okay! You're the one who almost added black beans to the Taco Mac last time and thought about forcing me to eat that shit!" Joebear said with a long-winded growl. He then washed his paws.

(The shit that goes on in food preparation would mortify people if they knew about it. I used to work at Chipotle Mexican Grill back in 2014. I am an expert on the business that happened there.)

"Baby, I add all the ingredients together-" I said.

Joebear interrupted me with a growl as he dried his paws with a paper towel. "No!"

"I say! May I please have an extra side of black beans?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London asked in his. black pleather thong. He was a great prince who I served on Sunday afternoons.

"Yes, you may!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she served him a side dish of black beans.

"Thank you, kind woman," he said as he started to eat.

"You are welcome, kind sir," Princess Lindsay Carrington said.

"Ahhhhhh!!!!! A man from the United Kingdom entered a kitchen in Untied States of America! He may be infected with the zombie virus!!!!!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he frantically threw the chopped tomatillos in the freezer. "Protect the food!!! Protect the refried beans!!!!" He was frantically putting prepared food in the freezer.

"A zombie werewolf. Sounds about right for 2021. He may radiate us all and turn us into the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I just hope he doesn't make us look like the demons in the Michael Bay movie. That was a disgrace! Ruined my childhood," I said.

"If we don't put the refried beans away, they'll be RADIATED beans! Holy Shit!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he tried to escape the kitchen through the castle window. He remembered to put his mask on (a face that looked like his) before he successfully jumped out of the window.

The remaining cast of PeeWee Herman screamed in agony as they ran around the castle in terror before they, too, put their masks on and jumped out of the window.

"Oh God! Who cares? Refried beans look out something that came out of an asshole!" Joebear yelled. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm traumatized. I'm playing a game of Dauntless. Fuck this shit. I'm not putting on a mask. I'm not social distancing. Fuck you. "

I cracked up as I made bowls of vegan Taco Mac. 

"Just in case there are assholes who like radiated refried beans," Pauno said before he brought refried beans from the heavens. "Low sodium, low carb, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, vegan, organic, made in Heaven, heavy with hormones, and produced in Greece, freshly microwaved at 1200 watts."

Paul the Goat bleated as he hung up his phone before adding radiated refried beans to his vegan Taco Mac. He even added his own goat milk to the Taco Mac. The balance of the world was thrown off because the Taco mac was no longer vegan. He looked at his cell phone and bleated. "WHY ARE THERE 20 messages from politicians in my inbox????!!!!"

As a result, Count Macula, Jr.'s face ended up on eight walls of the castle. One of his faces ended up right next to the picture of the long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears. Count Macula, Jr. spoke in stereo. "WHY ARE THERE REFRIED BEANS IN MY CASTLE? WHY ARE THEY SENDING ME POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENTS?! MY PARENTS ALREADY VOTED STRAIGHT TICKET REPUBLICAN! WE DON'T WANT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IN AMERICA!!!!"

"Because they are a Mexican food," Pauno said. "They're there. Also, I agree. I voted straight ticket Republican. I don't want Rome to govern Greece."

"I will allow it the radiated refried beans time, but never again," Count Macula, Jr. said in stereo. "I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again."

Count Macula, Jr. repeated himself 64 times. How obnoxious! Eight Count Macula, Jrs. saying the same thing eight times equals 64 times. He was ready to make that 512 times.

The computer Joebear was sitting at caught on fire and exploded. "My frame feels fried," he said as he stared at the flames emerging from the computer before Kissy jumped in his lap. "And, I am going to purge my mailbox of political ads."

I laughed. "I don't know what's going on. I haven't known what's going on for the past two years. I have been writing the same story 512 times, and I'm still not done with it. This is so stupid," I said with a laugh as I playbeat my bear. "I, too, grow tired of the political ads in my mailbox."

"It sounds like you need a raid therapist," Joebear said as he watched the World of Warcraft unfold in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle. "And I need a better group. What a bunch of scrubs."

"THERE WERE FIVE IDENTICAL FLIERS IN MY MAILBOX!!! I AM ONLY GOING TO READ ONE. I WILL PURGE MY MAILBOX OF THESE POLITICAL PIECES OF TOILET PAPER!!!! THERE WERE 20 TOTAL!!!" Count Macrula said as his face on the wall blew fire into the castle. He melted a couple of snowpeople.

Pauno laughed. "Does anyone actually give a shit about radiated refried beans right now?" he asked. "Also, these state is America is decadent. Full of Marxists. May God strike down these evil men in power!"

Before the rest of us screamed, Count Macula, Jr. screamed "Yes!" 512 times. Count Macrula refried and radiated the beans again with his breath of fire.

We heard a bunch of random angry gamers on Cutie Pie's stream shouting swear words at the Giant Count Macula, Jr. raid boss and bitching about politics. Count Macula, Jr. grew to be 30 feet tall. The fuck did we put in the low carb vegan Taco Mac?

Lifeskillers get to be pussies while the grunts take all the risks and make no money in World of Warcraft or Black Desert Online. Even in video games, no one is compensated correctly. Working for someone in America doesn't pay enough for anyone to make bills unless you are a lucky person who works for the corrupt government. And even then the government doesn't compensate correctly because they don't compensate for the mental stress they put their citizens and workers under. Their servers suck and take a shit. Doing your own business is the only way to have any sanity whatsoever.

"Are we getting on VR?" Cutie Pie asked.

"YES!" Tyler1 shouted. "It's for alcoholics and losers!"

"I'M A LOSER!" Peter screamed angrily as he got off the couch he was on.

The screen turned black. Joebear growled and complained that his eyes were sore. His eyes were watering.

Angry gamers were just chattering like hell.

A chubby man in a cat suit meowed loudly as he flew through a window next to one of Count Macula, Jr.'s faces. "I'm a hungry cat in the night, looking for food. And perhaps..." he said as he raised his black eyebrows and widened his blue eyes. "Something else!"

"I'm horny! Bbbbbaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" BioNHack, a goat streamer who played Black Desert Online, said as he screamed like a thunder cat.

The Thunder Cats theme song started to play in the background.

"Whhhooooaaaaa!!! I'm not gay!" Catman shouted as he jumped on a table with nachos and salsas and started eating.

Count Macula, Jr.'s faces shouted ethereally 512 times in the beat of the Thunder Cats theme song, "I'm not gay! I'm not gay! Holy Shit I'm not gay! I'm not gay!"

"How do I join your world?" Cutie Pie asked as he was also dancing to the theme song.

A technicolor screen from the 60s just appeared in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle.

"Find your MD square!!!! Empty square, bro!!!!!!" Cutie Pie shouted to his posse.

"What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?" Count Macula, Jr. asked in stereo.

"I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not trying to guess," Joebear said. He made a noise that sounded like an air compressor. "I used to love WoW. It upsets me to see it turn into a retard fest. I played during BETA!!! I used to respect the game. I don't respect it anymore."

I laughed so hard. "I can't breathe," I said.

"Do you have the Rona?" Pauno asked. "Do you have the plague?"

"Technically yes. I'm from the United Kingdom," Prince Oliver, Zombie Werewolf of London, said. "Also, Braaaainsssss!!!"

A few people stopped eating, put on their masks, and ran out of the exit farthest away from any zombie werewolf.

"MY HOUSE SUCKS!!!!" an angry gamer shouted before he neighed.

"No. I don't have the plague. My temperature is 98.3 degrees Fahrenheit with no symptoms of being a zombie. I'm laughing hysterically," I said. "It gets to be too much." I belly-laughed.

"I'm BIGGGGGG!!! Just too big!!!!" Joebear said as he rolled on the floor and did a cute growl.

A bunch of gamers laughed their asses off before they farted. They were drunk already.