#there are less hard answers and it’s complicated to test because life itself is a complicated bitch | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

finelinevogue · 4 years ago

Note

the fact that Y/N has post natal depression Is somewhat refreshing idk I just don't see it talked about much on here and if it is it's like Hella angsty and the partner doesn't understand what it is but I was wondering if u could touch on it a bit more cause it's something I'm really scared about happening to me and I just want harry to hold me and tell me it's going be okay 😚😚😚😚

P.s. if u don't wanna it's understandable

anon: can u write about harry helping y/n through her ppd maybe like the 3rd time was so bad that h decide that he won’t be having more children

so this was requested twice so i would love to be able to write this for you both, hope this is okay - mind it’s heavily angsty!;

tw: vomiting, ppd and od

oli - 4, felix - 3, belle - 12 weeks

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

The birth of your newly born daughter, Isabella, had really taken a back pedal on your mental health. You had suffered with post natal depression after the birth of your two sons, but nothing as bad as this.

It had hit you around the 7 week mark after giving birth. The pregnancy itself was okay, even though she was slightly premature, but it was after you’d taken her home that it’d all spiralled downhill. It started with complications with her breastfeeding - like she was rejecting the milk that you had produced. It hurt to see her reject you and your body, finding more comfort in drinking from a pre-made milk bottle as her dad rocked her to sleep. You recall the evening so clearly and felt like an utter failure as you watched her drink a bottle of formula for the first time.

“Ssh ssh,” Harry cooed to your 7 week old daughter as he rocked her in his arms on the rocking chair in her nursery. She was whining because she was hungry, but the problem was that she wasn’t accepting your milk. She hadn’t been accepting your milk all day and now it was becoming dangerous for you to keep on saying ‘Oh i’ll just try later.’ Harry had told you to make a formula bottle for her. “Mummy’s coming.”

As much as you didn’t want to, you were walking back to the nursery with a warm bottle in your hands. You’d tested it on your hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot and then taken a sip to taste it, out of jealousy, and you thought that it didn’t taste any different to you. Then again you’re not a 7 week old human whose only date is milk.

“Look here’s mummy with your yummy milk, okay? Look Belles!” Harry cooed at his darling angel and you only wished he wasn’t as happy for her as he was.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, handing him the bottle and standing nearby, part of you hoping that she would reject this too and she wasn’t just rejecting you.

But no, she drank the formula like it was her last meal.

“Such a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Harry praised her, watching her in awe as she kept on drinking the formula. Watching as she was drinking to become the strong girl you knew she’d become. It just hurt that it wasn’t you that could help her become that.

You felt powerless. Worthless, even. The one thing that you had carried the weight of your breasts around to do and you couldn’t even do it. Your nipples were so sore and your breasts ached so badly and it was all for nothing. Perhaps it was punishment for being such a bad mum. Perhaps you’d never been good enough for this job and it was your bodies way of shutting you down forever. You wouldn’t need the ability to produce milk anymore, because you weren’t worth the title of becoming one again. You wanted to be happy for your little one, seeing her happy but all you felt was rejection and sadness. She didn’t think you were good enough to be her mum and that really hurt.

Along with the breastmilk problem, Belle also became very stubborn when you wanted to change her nappy. Anytime you tried to change and help her she put up a fuss, kicking her legs and sometimes she would bite or hit you away. It was just a reminder that you weren’t a good enough mum for her and that she didn’t feel safe enough around you. She didn’t find comfort in your presence and she was so fussy about what you did around her. With Harry, though, she was an angel. She loved him so much and obviously he made her feel so loved and safe - something you’d clearly never be able to give her.

There was also the chores of being a mother to your other two sons too. Oli and Felix were old enough to understand that they had a baby sister, but they weren’t old enough to understand how miserable you were. Harry wasn’t even able to figure it out yet. You tried your best to put on your bravest face, knowing that your family needed you to be strong but the truth was that you were crumbling on the inside. You were feeling less and less like yourself and you were waiting for the moment when you’d completely fall apart. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was just numb.

“You two boys okay?”

You walked into the children’s playroom see that they were sat at the little table colouring in. Felix’s little legs dangled slightly, whereas Oli’s legs touched the floor and it made your heart swell at how big they were both getting.

“Yep!” Oli cheered, scribbling with his left hand as his tiny tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated - a habit passed onto him from his father.

“What are you both drawing?” You asked, coming over and kneeling on the floor beside them and having a peek at their drawings.

“We’re colouring for daddy.” Felix answered, some of the words not being pronounced properly due to his young lisp and lack of being taught how to say things correctly yet.

His words stung though. You appreciated that he was only a toddler and he meant nothing evil or malicious by it, but it hurt to think that maybe, just maybe, your sons were doing this for their dad because he did so much more for them than you did. Of course you tried to be the best mum you could, but maybe you weren’t doing enough. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum after all, or at least not a good one.

“O-oh,” you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes because your boys looked so proud at their artwork - and you should be too. “Tell me about them then, my loves.”

Oli went first, “So this is me and this is Oli and this is dad. It’s us playing football like we did the other day, mummy.” He pointed out to each of the figures, some looking actually quite terrifying but you’d never have the heart to tell him that. The figures were all holding hands though and it hurt to think that you weren’t a part of that.

“Oh that’s so good Ols!” you rubbed his head of hair and then turned to Felix’s, “What about you Fix?”

“I drew daddy as the best.” He pointed to a trophy that the figure - more like a stick-man-slenderman - was holding, which was decorated with the award of ‘my hero’.

“I told him to write hero, mummy.” Oli added, and you smiled at both of them.

“Well done. Good job both of you. Daddy will love these!” You only wished that they would draw something for you. You hated to think that you were being petty, but honestly you just wanted to feel loved. “Shall I go cut up some apple for a snack, hey?” You asked, trying to feel useful.

“Daddy is making us smoothies!” Felix answered and you had to stand up, up and away from their heigh, so they didn’t catch the tears in your eyes.

“Okay! Don’t forget to give him those pictures - he’ll love those.” You praised them and they both giggled to each other.

The sight of your sons laughing should’ve made you so happy, but it only reminded you that you weren’t the source of their happiness. You weren’t on their mind enough to be their inspiration for drawings. You definitely weren’t their hero. You were just a woman to them, not a mum. You wanted to be so much more but it was clear that they didn’t need you. They were loved by their dad and each other, not in need of your heart.

Eventually Belle settled down and was sleeping better through the night, leaving you and Harry to much more peaceful nights sleep. Well, just Harry.

You had found it near impossible to get to sleep now. You lay awake at night wondering when Belle would next wake up, wondering when she’d next need you. Harry was always quick out of bed though, even if he actually was sleeping, to help her ordering you to stay in bed and rest yourself. You couldn’t help feel like he was telling you to stay put because he knew you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly - and you started to believe him.

You’d found yourself getting jealous of those that could get to sleep. When you were walking down the road you’d judge a person by how much sleep they looked like they got last night. You definitely looked like you only had 2 hours - even when you’d only had 37 minutes but who’s counting? Your dark circles were heavily noticeable, but no one cared enough to ask. Even Harry stayed clear of you more and more often; spending more time with the kids than you and sleeping on his side of the bed instead of yours at nighttime.

There had been one evening where you had been so restless that Harry had gotten so frustrated and left the room, with a blanket and a pillow, and slept on the couch. You’d never felt so much like a burden than that night. Your family was rejecting you and you felt like a failure. You were a success at failing in everything. The meals you cooked went half eaten by everyone because you would’ve forgotten to add a key ingredient. The children preferred to spend more time playing with their dad because you weren’t energised enough to play the games they wanted to. Your daughter still rejected your milk. It was all too much and you just wanted one nights peace for it to change.

Last night had been that night.

Fuck these were so addicting. You were finally getting the sleep that you so badly craved, only with the help of tablets.

You wanted the sleep because that was the one place you could escape to. You needed that escape to help you get out of bed the next morning. Life was too hard for you to not dream, and without dreaming you didn’t want life.

It started off with taking one every night before bed, but then they stopped working again, so you started taking two, then three. Four was obviously where your body hit its limit.

“Mummy? Can you come tuck me in please?” Oli asked, little toy giraffe in hand and shaking you in hopes of waking you up to send him peacefully off to sleep.

You’d gone to bed a bit earlier tonight, lying saying that you were extremely exhausted. Harry said he would be able to handle things and that’s when you excitedly ran upstairs to take your pills; 4 of them. You’d made it into your bed, feeling slightly drowsy after completing your nighttime routine, but then you started to feel unwell and really ill. Before you’d passed out you’d stuck your fingers down your throat in hopes to make the feeling in your stomach disappear, but it ended up you throwing up all over the bed and pass out right there.

“Mummy! Wake up!” Oli rattled your back, but you were still unresponsive.

Oli padded out of the room and down to his sisters room where he knew his dad was. Belle was being extra fussy this evening and Harry suspected it had everything to do with you retiring early. He heard Oli come into the room just as he’d gotten Belle down.

“Y’alright buddy?” Harry whispered, tip-toeing out of Belle’s room, leaving the door open slightly, and crouched down in front of him.

“No. Mummy’s not waking up.” Oli pouted, rubbing a tired fist over his eye.

“She’s probably in dreamland, bud. She was really tired today.”

“She’s really tired all of the times.”

“I know, Ol.” Because Harry did know, but he was too much of a coward to face up to the problem. The doctors had said that post natal depression can strengthen with every birthed child, but he was too blind sighted by the fact that you’d overcome the first birthed post natal depression so quickly, and was so in love with his baby girl, that he didn’t truly see how bad things had gotten. Harry had tried giving you some space, distancing himself from you in bed and spending more time with the kids so you could relax and rest up, but nothing seemed to be working. He was surprised, actually, that you’d been having better sleep recently and so was hopeful that maybe the worst of the depression was over.

Hell, was he so wrong.

“Go to bed, bud okay? I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Wake mummy up so she can give me a kiss.”

“I’ll try little man, alright?” Harry scuffed his sons hair and then watched him walk off to his room.

Harry walked into your dark room, the air smelling slightly sour, and walked around to your side of the bed. He sat down next to you sighed heavily. He needed to speak to you, no matter how tired or angry you’d be with him. He was losing you as a wife and a mother and a soulmate and a lover. He was just losing you, just as you were losing yourself and he was doing tip-toeing around the problem any longer. He was going to try and make this better. He was going to better understand how you were feeling in order to help you.

“Baby?” He spoke softly, nudging you gently, “Baby wake up.” No response. “Y/N, my love? Wake up for me darling, need to speak with you.” Normally you would’ve stirred by now but there was still nothing. “Y/N?” Harry shook you a bit more urgently now - one that would surely wake even the deepest of sleepers. “Y/N!” He shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly for the comfort of his children.

He turned you over and that’s when he knew this was very, very, bad.

Your face was pale grey and your mouth was covered in the remains of vomit, and he suddenly understood the gross sour smell from before. Your hair was greasy and stuck all in the wet sick all over your face. Your eyes were puffy from the remains of tears. You looked dead.

“No, no, no. Y/N! No you don’t.” Harry’s eyes starting weeping and he couldn’t think straight. He checked your pulse on your wrist and timed it - it was unhealthily faint. He wouldn’t be surprised if you were in your last beats of your heart. His tears and sobs were uncontrollable, but he had to be both strong for you and his children, as well as for him. “Fuck sake pull yourself together Harry. Okay, baby hold on please. Okay? You don’t get to leave me like this, you hear me? I love you so much, baby. Fuck i’m so sorry.” He gently placed your head back down on the pillow and pulled out his phone.

999

“What’s your emergency?”

“I need a-an ambulance p-please. I-I think my wife i-is dying.”

The rest of it was a blur for Harry. Him trying to wake you up. The ambulance arriving. Oli and Felix crying when they saw you being carried away on a stretcher. Belle’s deafening screams. Harry’s heart beating for the both of you.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was the rhythmic beeping sounds that woke you up.

Your whole body felt achey and sore, your head a pounding mess. You opened your eyes slowly, adjusting them to the light of the room. You expected to see the family photo on the wall opposite you and the white of your curtains, but you were met with a heart-monitor machine and a hospital bed instead. You looked down at your body and noticed a cannula in your arm, making you squirm because you hated stuff like that so much. Your nose had a tube running inside it too, feeding you the oxygen your lungs weren’t receiving properly.

It then dawned on you how you weren’t in the room alone. You saw a sleeping Anne and Gemma on the chairs in the far corner, with Felix and Oli tucked against their sides - Anne with Oli and Felix with Gemma. It was so cute to see them so cuddled up close. They looked peaceful. You took note of the baby pram that was at the end of your bed, most likely playing bed to your beautiful daughter. Your mind felt lost. You can’t really remember what had happened, apart from taking four of those sleeping pills. You fully remember the weight of feeling worthless and useless as both a mum and a wife, though, and that feeling was still very prominent.

Your eyes lastly landed to the side of you, where Harry was sat but also laid on your bed. The top of half of his body laid upon the bed, his head buried onto this arm deep within the bed, whilst his bottom stayed rooted to the chair. His hand was holding yours tightly, which was a sign that he wasn’t asleep. You were so scared to face him though. You had failed him, again and again and you weren’t sure whether you could be enough for him anymore. Enough for your family anymore.

You squeezed his hand three times saying ‘I love you.’

“Y/N,” He whispered so hoarsely, but you were so focused on him to even catch it. He looked ruined, and you’d done that to him. His eyes were dark and tired, but also red and puffy from where he’d been crying. His hair was a mess and you could tell it hadn’t been washed in a while. How long had you been out for? You felt rested in your sleep, but not in your mind or your heart.

“I—” Your breathe got caught in your throat, but you persevered to finish your words. He deserved to here them. “I’m sorry.” You were whispering so you didn’t disturb anyone else in the room.

“No, stop it. I’m sorry baby.”

“Harry don’t, you don’t have anyt—”

“Stop yes I do I—”

“Harry please you don’t owe—”

“Y/N listen!” He cut the little volley-conversation and ordered you to just stop. You started crying when you saw that he was too. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now. Because I love you. Fuck, I do. I love you so much that when I found you unconscious in a pile of your own sick thinking you were dead, my only thought was that I wished it were me instead”.

“Harry, you don’t mean—”

“My god Y/N! You don’t get it, do you? I would do anything to switch places with you right now. I would suffer a thousand times over if it meant you were okay. I’d suffer in hell for you. Nobody else but you has ever made me feel like this. I married you because I love you and I want to wake up next to you every day of my beating hearts life. I chose to have children with you, because I knew how great of a mum you’d be and what beautiful people you’d help bring up into the world—”

“But i’m not.” You cut Harry short, trying to pull your hand away from him but he didn’t let you - only tightening his grip and pulling himself closer towards you. He was so close you could kiss him.

“Not what?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. You’d both had this conversation before, but you were both tired of it and were ready for it to be your last now.

“A good mum. I’m- i’m not a good mum or wife, Harry and i’m sorry.”

“I told you not say it and stop thinking it, because you’re completely wrong Y/N. You’re a good mother and a good wife, because you are a good person.”

“But i’m not great.” You whimpered, thinking back to the drawings your Oli and Felix had done. “I’m not the best.”

“But you don’t have to be, baby. You see our beautiful, healthy, happy and safe babies over there?” Harry turned to look at them, love in his eyes as in yours. “They wouldn’t be all those things, no matter how you feel about yourself, without you. I could never have brought them up to be half the people they are without you by my side, the way you make me a better person. You claim you don’t got this, but baby you’re already doing it and have been doing it for 5 years with our children and so much longer with me.”

“I’m just so fucked up Harry.” Your head tilted back on the pillow as you got heavily emotional over the situation.

Harry shook his head and moved his hand to cup the back of your neck, moving your head forwards until it met his. The touch of his skin against yours, no matter where and how small, made you feel alive and you’d missed him and that feeling so much. You missed loving him so much.

“Listen to me.” He ordered, keeping you still. “You are strong and you are brave Y/N Styles. No matter what you tell yourself I will be here every goddamn day of my life, if I have to, to remind you that you are worth more than your fucking weight in gold. You are my heart. You are my soul and the mother to my greatest achievements. I know they are yours too, just as I know I am your heart.

“You are.” You whispered so quietly under your breathe, but Harrys heart warmed when he caught you saying it. He knew though.

“Just let me love you. Let me be there for you. If you want medication then let’s do it, and i’ll be there for every step of the way. If you want to go to a rehabilitation centre for a bit, that’s okay we can—”

You shook your head and licked the tears away from your face. You were both such tearful messes, but the love between you was undeniable. “No, no please, no.”

“Okay, okay, love. We won’t. See, you’re okay. I promise, you’re okay. Stay with me, yeah? I’ll love you and keep you safe, just as you will me.”

“Promise.” You told him sincerely. He brought his lips to yours with that single word. He was so proud of your for being so brave and strong. He wishes he was half the person you were. His lips conveyed those thoughts of his and you could taste the love and passion burning through his heart and out on to his lips. He tasted like home. z he was home. Your lips smacked together messily, but you didn’t care because you loved each other too much and had kissed each other even more. Once you pulled back he stayed close to you, smiling at you with such awe. “I think.. I think I want to try medication please.”

Harry didn’t say ‘okay’ or ‘sure thing’, no. He said four words that meant more to you in that moment that any others in the universe. More than saying ‘I love you.’ Words that reminded you that not everything is okay and that sucks really bad, but you’re doing your best to get through it. It was a reminder that you had so many people who loved you and cared for you. It was a gun at the starting line symbolising that the journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but worth it.

“I’m proud of you.”

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johnsamericano · 4 years ago

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Can do a fic about dilf doyoung is your Father's friend but u have a secret relationship with him them one day he got you preggo so u moved in with him plsssss also put a lot of smut shshshhshsh pls I hope you read this.

Hi there! My requests are currently closed but I can never resist writing dilf!Doyoung so you’re lucky. There's not THAT much smut in this because I wanted to make it as realistic as possible. Hope you like it!

warnings: dirty talking, sex, language, use of the name daddy, spanking, unexpected pregnancy, age gap.

“What’s the meaning of this invitation, Mr. Kim?” You inquired, walking past the front door with a gym bag hanging from your shoulder. “It's not every day you invite me to a private swimming party.”

“Very funny.” He welcomed you with a hug, his warm, naked chest pressed against your covered one. “Jeno’s out with his friends. He won't come back until tomorrow.”

“Aw, but where's the fun in that? I wanted to be with him.” That response earned you a slap in the ass, hard enough to serve as a warning not to keep testing his patience.

“Get changed. I'll wait for you in the hot tub.”

You locked yourself in the nearest bathroom, quickly yanking off your clothes to replace them with a baby blue bikini. You knew how much he loved the matching set, not as much as taking it off you, of course.

Wanting to make him wait for a while longer, you neatly folded your clothes and placed them over your sleeping wear inside the bag you'd brought with you.

“Took you long enough.” He was sitting inside the water, his arms spread wide as he gave you a less than amused look. “Come here.”

Despite how dominant he might look on the outside, he never managed to fool you. As soon as you were between his arms, your face was guaranteed to be covered with kisses from his soft lips.

“I missed you this past few weeks.” His wet thumb traced figures over your arm, avoiding looking into your eyes. “Why haven't you visited?”

Your fingers played with the small, grey hairs covering the nape of his neck.

“It's getting harder to hide it from Jeno, and I know if he ever found out, our friendship would be over. I don't wanna lose him.”

“He’ll find out, better sooner than later.” The look on your face must've given away your thoughts. “What? Did you think this was just something casual?”

“I mean...” His jaw dropped, arms falling into the water with a splash. “Look, you have to understand me. We started right after your wife left, I thought you were using me to forget her. And I didn't mind-”

“Using you?” Just a few millimeters and his eyebrows would be touching. “Have you always thought so low of me?”

“Doyoung...”

“I want a future with you, y/n. Not just an occasional fuck but an actual relationship, and if you don't feel the same about me, then we might as well end things here.” This was the first time you'd seen him mad, with his whole face red from anger and the warmth of the jacuzzi, he looked as if he were about to explode.

“Of course I do. But it's complicated.” The red shade tinting his cheeks and ears, slowly faded. “No one would accept our relationship, for starters.”

“I couldn't care less about other’s opinions.”

In less than a second, his lips crashed against yours, hard. But there was a hint of sweetness in his wild movements, the way his hands caressed your back while his tongue worked its way inside your mouth aggressively.

“Already so eager?” He asked as your heat rubbed itself against his clothed cock. “Not here.”

“What...?”

The muscles in his legs tensed as he stood up with you still between his arms. He was strong, for a man of his age, of course.

“I’m afraid that I've been fucking you the wrong way, which might have been the reason for you to have the wrong idea about us.” Leaving a trail of water drops behind you, you climbed up the stairs leading to the second floor, where his room was located. “Scratch that. No more fucking, from now on, I'm gonna make love to you.”

“Have you always been this cheesy?” Your feet touched the floor as he removed his hands from below your thighs, slightly pushing you until the back of your knees touched the mattress.

“Don’t make me change my mind and spank that pretty ass.”

“Rude.” You let yourself fall on the fresh comforter, dragging him down with you.

“Take your clothes off for me, won't you?” He busied himself pulling down his swimming trunks while you struggled with the knot keeping your bra in place. “Such a silly, little girl. Can't do anything without her daddy, can her?”

“Please.” Even though you hated being humiliated, your core didn't seem to bother. His degrading words only caused your essence to form an even larger patch on your bikini. “Doyoung...”

“Fine.” His cock was standing proudly, his tip dripping with small beads of precum. “On your knees and turn around.”

He worked through the knots as fast as his trembling fingers allowed him to. His mouth was aching to say the special words he'd been keeping to himself for a while now, but he didn't have enough courage yet.

“Ready.” The straps fell down your arms, tickling the skin as they slid.

You took the last piece of your suit off, finally allowing your body to be consumed by the humidity of the summer evening. Doyoung was quicker to enter you than usual. No teasing, just lovemaking as he’d promised earlier.

“You’re so warm.” His lips were attached to your collarbone, sucking to leave a mark big enough for everyone to see. “Your little cunt takes me so well. No one else could make me feel as good as you do.”

With his hips pistoning your hole, your fingers found their way to the nape of his neck, dancing over the tender skin. The way you were looking at each other, so intimate and full of affection, had the words he'd been wanting to say rushing out of his lips.

“I love you.” His movements faltered as if waiting for you to give him any type of answer.

“What’s with that scared face?” You giggled, every inch of your skin flushed with embarrassment and desire. “I love you too.” He loved how young you made him feel, like a silly teenager confessing to his crush only to find out his feelings were reciprocated.

His thrusts resumed, this time slower, deeper, making sure you felt every single ridge and vein of his cock. His length caressed your walls oh so deliciously, bringing you closer and closer to your high. Until someone had to ruin it.

“Dad, where are you?” In a rush, Doyoung pulled out, not even noticing how his seed spilled out of your hole. Fear had taken over the pleasure.

“Get in the bathroom, he probably just forgot something. Don't worry.”

As he'd said, Jeno was quick to leave. Not even ten minutes later, Doyoung was back in his room, announcing Jeno’s little getaway got extended.

“So that means, you can stay for a while longer. Only if you want of course.” The bathtub was filling with warm water and bubbles he'd added. “Or we can go on our own trip, whatever you want.” You felt at ease between his arms, his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

Who would've thought you'd be losing your mind a few weeks later because of the same man that had given you so much peace before.

“How could you forget to wear protection?!”

“Don't treat me as if I were the only one responsible for this situation.” You hid your face between the warmth of your palms, supporting the side of your head against the window. “Look at me, baby.”

You shook your head, tears starting to slip between your fingers.

“I’m here for you, darling. Whatever you want to do, I'll fully support you.” His thumb traced the shape of the shell of your ear.

“I don't know what I want to do.”

“We still have time to help you figure things out, okay?” There was a certain sadness to his tone, almost as if his hopes were vanishing.

He didn't want to get rid of it, but being pregnant was a burden that you'd have to carry alone as much as he tried to help. It was your choice and only yours.

“I want to have it, but I don't even have a job or economical support. My parents would kill me if they found out. And Jeno, oh boy, he'd have a heart attack.”

“You have me, y/n. And even though I can't do anything about other people's reactions, I'll always be by your side.”

Doyoung wasn't lying. He walked you through every step, even assumed part of the responsibility when talking to your parents, who didn't react as badly as you'd foreseen.

“Just make sure you're making the right choice.” They'd said.

Jeno was the last person to find out.

“Oh, hey y/n. Were you waiting for me?” He dropped the sports bag right in front of de door.

“We have to tell you something.”

“We?” The look on his face was almost comical as if life had been sucked out of his handsome features.

“Yes, we.” Doyoung laced his fingers with yours, tightly locking your hands together.

His father explained the situation calmly, making sure to use the right words to avoid scaring him away. By the time he was done, Jeno was just staring at you with an emotionless face.

“Jeno?” Your heart dropped at the thought of losing your friend. “Say something, please.”

“You want me to say something?”

There was a small, dramatic pause to add some tension to his words. But the mood lightened as soon as his eyes became crescent moons.

“Bold of you to assume I wasn't aware of your little relationship.” He giggled. “It's okay, guys. You're both adults and I trust you know what you're doing.”

“What the hell is going on?” Your thoughts slipped out of your mouth.

“Thank you, Jeno.” Doyoung mouthed, squeezing your shoulder.

“Man, I always wanted a little brother.” He walked up to you, wrapping his arms around you and his father's neck.

“I rather have a girl this time.”

“Should I call you mom?” Jeno teasingly asked, poking the back of your head.

“Try me.”

(...)

As you folded your clothes and placed them in your new closet, the sun started setting. The light sound of sizzling could be heard from the room, probably Doyoung cooking dinner.

“Y/n!” He shouted from downstairs. “Come help me set the table.”

“Coming!” You set aside the remaining boxes. There were not many clothes left to unpack, so you could finish after eating.

You tiptoed on your way downstairs, accomplishing to scare him with a surprise back hug.

“Stop, you could've burnt yourself.” He scolded, undoing your hug only to quickly pull you by his side moments later.

“Is it me or are you getting a little too overprotective?”

“Am not!” His eyebrows quivered like they did every time he lied.

“Really? Then why haven't we had sex ever since you found out I was pregnant?” Your hand teasingly traced figures on his lower abdomen, a little too close to the stove he was using.

“You’re gonna get burnt.” Once again, he tried to push you away, but your hand remained in the same position. “Baby...”

“Uh-uh, you're not gonna sweet-talk your way out. Why won't you touch me anymore? Have I lost my charm or something?”

“What? No!” He turned off the stove, completely turning to his side to face you. “I just don't wanna hurt the baby.”

“Bullshit. You know it's still safe to do it, you already had one son, for god's sake.” Your arms were crossed over your slightly swollen mounds. “I want the truth.”

“I’m telling you the truth...” There was no nervous quiver from his eyebrows, but his tone was less than convincing.

“The whole truth, Doyoung.”

There was no way out, he had to tell you what he'd been trying to hurry at the back of his head for weeks now.

“I can't stop thinking that the only reason we became official is because of this baby, and I'm afraid if you lose it, I'll lose you as well.” It seemed as if your roles had reversed, as if he was the youngest, the most immature.

“Idiot.” You flicked his forehead with anger, later pulling him into a bear hug. “Get those stupid ideas out of your little head or I'll have to slap them out of you.”

“Rude much.”

“I told you once before we found out about the baby...” Your lips were achingly close to his, ready to kiss those soft, pink pillows. “I love you.”

Your eyes were stuck on his lips, too busy to notice how his eyes started sparkling, the edge of them trying to contain his tears. After a while, you looked up, his nostalgic expression puzzling you.

“I’m sorry, it's the hormones.” He sniffled.

“That's not how pregnancy works, honey.”

#nct smut #nct angst #nct au #nct imagines #nct ot21 #nct x reader #nct #nct 127 #nct scenarios #nct doyoung

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rikiflowers · 4 years ago

Text

being enough; levi

genre: angst and fluff

warnings: cursing

- 3.6k words; Levi Ackerman x female reader; college au

you just want to be with him

You were tired. Not only were you sleep deprived for-you don’t actually how long- ages, also your mental health wasn’t in a stable place. Your constant fear to fail in every area of your life, does the rest. You were so tired, that you only lay in your bed, your eyes kept staring on the ceiling. It was pitch black in your room; your head sunk into your many stuffed animals. You were glad that your roommate was never here. She snucks out to her boyfriend’s place, so you could be for yourself. You sigh, hearing loud banging and bass boosting music from 2 rooms next to you.

It was always like this, so you got used to it, but today was an exception. Anger bubbles in your body. Couldn’t they be doing drugs and loud music at some other time, when you’re not like this? The void seems to consume you and you wished you could fill it; with him. You knew it was just sex, but your heart yearns for more, than he could ever give you. But you got along with this, feeling your body getting number with every shared kiss, every thrust and every intimate moment, which isn’t real.

You flinch as you heard your door open. For a second you thought your roommate was there but as soon as you hear his voice, your heart begins to flutter. “Why’s so dark in here are you vampire?”. He states, without a sign of a joke, but you knew it was. You don’t reply, instead you just lay there. You forgot he was coming to your place.

“You dead?”, he snaps at you, while he makes room for himself on your bed. I wish, you wanted to say, but instead you sit up, loop your arms around him. You buried yourself in his defined chest, feel his heartbeat through his hoodie. “What’s up?”, he asks confused, because he never seen you like this, and you could tell he’s a little overwhelmed with the whole situation. His hands grab your arm, pushing you just a lightly away.

“Will you fucking tell me what’s up or should I guess?”, he groans annoyed and his tone, you’re normally used to, scatter salt in your open wounds. Right now, you were too sensitive, everything you want is just smelling his scent that calms you down, usually. Right now, you can’t find the peace you desperately looking for.

“Fuck you.”, you mumble, avoiding his eyes. He only scoffed. “I came here to have a little stress relief and now you’re the one making a fuss huh.”, he coldly says, and it hurts. You fucking know. You both are just parties who fuck, nothing more. You fling his hand away. “Go.”. You didn’t want to say this.

He stands up, without a word and you’re hurt. You want to scream at him, tell him how you want- What do you want?

“Text me when you’re not being a brat.”, he adds and you’re about to throw him out of the window. The door shuts loudly, making you realize what just happened. In a blink of an eye, you frighten away the only one you wanted to keep. You kept staring at the door, hoping he would come back, but his wouldn’t happen. You and Levi were just fuck buddies. Noting more nothing less. It was a secret, you told nobody. Not even your shared circle of friends. You were professionals to keep it a secret.

You realize how you fucked up. What did you expect? That he would graze through your hair, kiss your problems away? You didn’t even want it yourself so why were you so desperate for this kind of affection? Levi wasn’t this kind of person, so were you. That’s why it was never complicated; Until now. Until feelings got in the way.

You curse under your breath, keeping the damn tears, not worth of escaping. You ask yourself what just happened.

…

“I’m fucked.”

Hanji lets out a frustrated sound, their head banging loudly in the table. You’re petting your friend’s head and Erwin lets out a low chuckle. “How often did I tell you to study for this test?”. Hanji growls and you and Erwin exchange gazes. You stretch out your arm, snapping his holy chocolate drink away from him. “Hey, that’s mine?”. You only grin at him, open his favourite drink and taking a delicious sip. “That’s for being a bigmouth.”, you only say and he only scoffs, but gifts you a cheeky smile hat says, ‘payback is bitch’.

“Hanji, let’s study next time okay? If you pass, I’ll give you 10 packs of your favourite gummy bears- “. You couldn’t finish speaking, because Hanji suddenly clings on you, like you’re their personal saviour, robbing the air out of your throat. “How could I deserve a best friend like you?”, they cried out, the whole canteen was looking at you. “Shithead, they’re looking at you.”

A new voice appears. It was Levi and your mind went automatically blank. After the last not so well proceeded meeting, you didn’t speak to each other. A whole weekend has passed, and you weren’t sure how to act. How did you act before? Why was this so hard now?

“Shorty shut up.”, Hanji spats cheekily, while the man only scoffs, takes his seat next to Erwin. You stare onto your plate, not sure what you’re doing, but you felt his eyes for a split second on you, covered under the attention of your friends. You felt your cheeks burning. Damn your body kindly betrays you.

You felt a rough hand on the back of your hand. You knew it was Erwin’s. “Everything’s alright?”, he only whispers, unheard for the others. You look at him, gave him a reassuring smile, that says ‘don’t worry’

You felt his blue eyes bore into you. He doesn’t believe you, while should he? He knows you better than everyone and yet you lie to him, without missing a second. While you two are having a silent argument, the other two doing their duty to insult themselves. They’re friends, actually, even when it doesn’t look like this. What you don’t register are Levi’s glimpses he gave you. He doesn’t want to admit, but his mind found itself at he thought of you and Erwin and he doesn’t like it. You’re not acting like yourself and he secretly wants to know the reasons behind it; But he’s too afraid to ask.

“You want to meet up at the library for the next assignment?”, Erwin asks you and you gladly go along. Studying with Erwin was always calm, organized and precise. You did actually get work done (different with Hanji).

“When?”

“After today’s class and after our study session I treat you your favourite pizza.”. You smile. “I love you; you know that?”, you let out, wanting to smooth your best friend right now. “Hey, what’s with the lovey dovey?”. Hanji speaks up and you only cringe. “What the fuck?”, you’re letting out and nearly fell from your seat. Hanji and you laugh so loud, that you were entertaining the whole area, but it doesn’t matter.

“Erwin did you hear this?”, you choked out, between your laughs that are actually looking painful, because of your tears escaping your eyes. He heard and Levi did too. Suddenly the raven-haired stands up and leaves, without looking at you. You were instantly quiet, followed with your eyes the disappearance of him. It prickles in your chest, because you promptly thought you did something wrong. “Huh, what’s with him?”, Hanji asks, instead of you. Erwin only shrugs. “He didn’t tell me.”, he only adds, leaving no room for more discussion.

You had the sudden urge to follow him; But you knew it was out of question. Levi wanted it to be a secret between you two. You aren’t even sure if this what is between is still there. Being anxious wasn’t even a term. You decided to text him after your study session with Erwin, hoping he would reply.

….

Why couldn’t you be so focused like Erwin who looks like the god himself, studying with no break and then he explains everything so nicely to you? How is he even real? Your head feels so heavy, lying on your arm, while Erwin buried himself in the books before him.

You smiled, while looking at him. Sometimes there was a little voice in your head, asking why you couldn’t have developed feelings for him? He was perfect in every aspect, he cares, and you knew he had a crush for you long time ago. You loved the silence, and the library was the perfect place for it. Just very few students gather in these halls.

“You’re sleepy, y/n.”, the blond states, earns a mumbling from you. “no, I’m studying.”, you answer, and you hear him chuckle. He ruffles trough your hair, ignoring your pouting, while his finger slightly massaging your scalp. “I don’t know drooling on the books is supposed to be studying.”. Instantly you’re straightening your back and wipe the evidence away. “I’ll grab some coffee and then I’m fit for use. You want some too?”, you ask him, while standing up. He waves and you’re making your way.

You hate that you can’t think straight. The situation with Levi nibbles on your nerves and you couldn’t handle these feelings well, already feeling unease in your stomach. You head out of the library, to go to the vending machines, standing some meters away on the side of the library complex. The sun was slowly setting, and you paused for a while. It was nearly 4 pm and the glow was nearly perfect. The sun feels so nice on your skin that you’re nearly drowning in this moment, completely forgetting your environment.

“Oi.”. You snap out of your daydreaming and the first thing you see was him. Levi, who looks like he actually wants to murder you. It wasn’t his normal stern face; he doesn’t seem in the mood at all. “Hi?”, you reply, feeling already giddy. It was his effect on you. You were already on your knees.

“You could at least tell me your feelings before you fucked with me.”

Your eyes wide, unable to process his statement. “Huh?”, was everything that left your lips and he just scoffed. His expression changes. He looks just dead annoyed and kind of arrogant. “Don’t play with me.”.

You didn’t know what he means. “Levi, I don’t get what you mean?”, you seriously tell him, and you feel how you feel your body tremble.

“Oh, you don’t know that you and Erwin have something going on I was just a side thing?”. He finally speaks and you couldn’t believe what he just said.

“I am fucking right and now go to him, he’s waiting.”. Levi turns around, but you were quicker. Ignoring his hateful gaze, that bores into you, you’re blocking his way. Your palms lie on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. “you’re an idiot, Levi.”.

“now you’re calling me names. How low.”, he snarls at you, took your hands and threw them away from you. You were a little taken back from his sudden action. “I don’t have anything going on with Erwin. I never had. If you had listened to me, you would know that it was you.”, you finally breathed out, what you always wanted to say; But too scared to do.

“always you.”, you added this in the storm of your feelings. For a bliss you looked into Levi’s grey eyes and then you ran back into the library, leaving him there. Levi is just standing there, in the middle of nothing and totally dumbfounded. He couldn’t handle what you just said. Why did you run away? Levi’s body tell him, to chase you, to ask you if this was true. He really wants to know, but instead of doing so, his body freezes, unable to reach out to you.

Why did he come here in the first place? He assumed that you had feelings for the blond. He watched him, slowly grazing through your hair and he was about to break every knuckle of Erwin’s hand. He had no entitlement to be actually jealous, but he couldn’t stop. He just saw you as someone who’s only there for him. It was out of question for him. He didn’t even have someone beside you. So, when he felt that you’re not like yourself anymore, your eyes miss the sparkle, every time you two are together, he was sure that you liked someone; Not him.

And here you were, telling him with your whole chest, that you like him? Him? Out of all the people that admire you? Levi wouldn’t commit to it loudly, but something in his brain always told him, that he didn’t deserve you at all, not you. When both of you made out at the party month ago, Levi couldn’t believe, that it’s really happened. He was on the constant brink, he could wake up and you’re not laying next to him, your warm skin brushing against his cold one. Now his nightmares were real. He fucked up. He fucked up so bad. You were bare before him, shouting your feelings at him and on the other hand Levi was too scared, too coward to admit.

You were running into the library. You didn’t know where else to go. You just want to leave the scene and him. Erwin instantly notices. His head peaks up, while you try to remain calm; But you couldn’t foul your best friend. He didn’t need to ask where your coffee is or why you had taken so long- He knew. “Let’s get out here, common.”.

Erwin was a pure angel. You couldn’t speak. Every try you would take; your tears would flow. He grabs your bag, insisting to carry it, while you’re looking like a lost sheep. The blond lead you out of the building and you’re hoping, Levi wouldn’t be there.

You can’t even bring yourself to look around, your eyes are fixed on the ground. “He isn’t here, y/n.”, he reassured you and you could finally breathe. “Erwin, I- “. Instantly tears escaping your eyes and you begin to sob uncontrollably, not finishing your sentence.

“I knew.”, he starts, and you look up to him. You could tell he was disappointed. “I thought you or Levi would tell me, so I waited.”. He sighs, ruffling through your hair, like he always does, and it soothes you a little. “We aren’t in a relationship, I doubt there would be something after this.”, you spoke, feeling your whole body tremble.

“After what?”.

“I confessed my feelings to him, I shouted them, and I ran.”, you answer, and you see Erwin’s little smile, creeping on his lips. “Huh?”

“Why you’re smiling like that?”, you add, waiting for an answer. “You two are unbearable. Thinking we wouldn’t sense something. You two really thought, we were that dense.”

“Hanji too?”. A chuckle was his answer and now you were dumfounded. It was so obvious for them and they kept quiet the whole time? “I hate you both.”, you spat at him with reddened eyes. “We love you too.”. You shove him playfully away, earning a laugh. “I can’t believe you.”, you shout annoyingly. “It’s so damn embarrassing.”

“I found it quite entertaining.”. You punch him. “Anyways it’s over now.”, you breathed out, feeling the tight knot in your heart. “I don’t think so and you know that.”, he interferes. You couldn’t reply to him. You don’t want it to be over. There was this huge misunderstanding between you two, that needs to be solved. He was never a side whatsoever. He was always your first priority, while you were questioning him; To think he thought the same, was draining; to say at least.

“We’ll see.”, was the last thing you would say for now. “I heard you’ll invite me to pizza.”, you changed the topic and Erwin kindly goes along. “I don’t know, when I ever said that.”. Whines left your lips, because he would now play with you. “I have receipts you said that!”, you pout, and he just laughs, leaving the university complex with you.

You knew he would treat you pizza.

….

It was exhausting, draining and everything that is sucking out every last energy you have. Avoiding Levi. It wasn’t your best move, but you didn’t know how to face the older one. Even if you see him in a distance, his raven hair peaks through other people, you ran away. Even Hanji couldn’t believe you two, calling you “lovesick teenager”. You punched them, every time.

Erwin was still around Levi and you were glad he does. They were also friends and you don’t want them to separate, just because you couldn’t talk this out.

“I’m so bad.”, you mumble, with your face buried in your arms. Hanji chuckles. “Looks familiar.”. You groan, wanting nothing more than a good portion of sleep; Forever. “y/n, it isn’t so bad, you can compensate this mark with…”, you don’t listen to them, because it wasn’t just the bad mark that’s on your mind. Your heart aches and it gets stronger, each time you refuse to gain some bravery to speak to him.

“I just wan to see his face…”, you whisper, and you expect Hanji to laugh at you, telling you to ‘just-go-see-him-it-isn’t-that-hard’, but instead there was silence.

“Then why you’re running away from me, woman.”

The first reaction to his voice, was to say ‘fuck’ and you heard Hanji laugh. Fuck. Why was he here, right in front of you and all the others who are watching? Your heart seems to jump out of your chest, while you’re desperately trying to find a way out.

“please go.”, you whisper, not facing him, because your face was red like fire. “No.”, he simply says, and you finally raise your gaze. He stands right before your desk, looking down on you and you feel yourself instantly drawn to him. You hated his effect on you.

“Everyone is watching, you don’t like that.”, you spat, harsher than you want. Why couldn’t you just think straight for once? Levi only scoffs, his hoodie hanging loose on his defined body. “Stop this bullshit y/n and please let us talk.”. Who was he to call this? Why were you so in a mess, that you see his behaviour as provocative?

“I- “. You don’t know anymore. Maybe it was your pride speaking, not yourself. Everything in you was burning, not knowing how to handle the situation well. His eyes soften, ignoring the staring gazes of the others in the lecture hall. “Please.”. The soft and kind of desperate tone in his voice shift something in you. “When?”.

“Now? I heard it was your last lecture.”. You couldn’t decline. You just couldn’t; So, you only nod, excuse yourself from Hanji, who only smiles. You ignore the others, following the man, you’re so deeply in love with, outside. What should you say after your confession?

“Are you free to grab a tea?”, he quietly asks, while you two are heading out of the building. You just nod, having trouble to find the right words.

It was empty on the floor, only your footsteps could be heard. “y/n?”, he breaks the silence and you looked at him. “Can’t you please say something? I- I ‘m not used to you not talking.”, he demands and both halt. Your eyes bore into his. “and I’m not used to this.”, you reply, mentioning his different behaviour.

The mood was tearing. “I know.”.

“but I want to apologize for being such an ass, accusing you of something, just because I couldn’t face my own insecurity of not being good enough for you.”, he breathes out, while his eyes are focused on something else, not looking at you. You could this was difficult for him. His ears were red, not hidden form his silky, black hair.

“Why in the world could you think something like this?”, was the first thing that left your lips. Levi, the most wanted man on the campus was afraid of not being good enough for someone like you? You could only imagine how deep his insecurities root and a part in you always want to discover them.

“The evening, when you left… I was desperate to have you. I just wanted you to hold me, to tell me you’re here and you left.”, you came clean and he looks ropey. It makes your heart ache so much, that you just want to hold him.

“I was anxious, that you want to end things. I misread and I am sorry.”. You sense that he was really sorry. He confesses his feelings out here, not caring for someone to overhear it. “Thank you.”.

Your answer surprises him and you see him searching for words. “I should thank you, y/n. For loving someone like me.”.

That gave you the rest. You instantly found yourself into him. His arms wrap around your frame, drowning you into his scent, you were missing so much. You take a longs exhale, feeling his racing heartbeat against your ear. “you are an idiot.”, you muffle against his hoodie, feeling tears prickling again. He chuckles low, kissing your scalp softly, while his finger grazes over your back. This was more than you could ever ask for. Just him.

“I’m trying y/n okay?”.

You only nod against his chest, squeezing into him more, until you become one. There was more to talk about, but that’s for later.

#levi #levi aot #levi x reader #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #angst and fluff #levi ackerman #anime

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moxfirefly · 5 years ago

Text

This comes as result of an idea and going through some hard times as of late. The reader here has their issues but hey we aren’t inherently perfect and I like getting into that mindset and seeing what comes up. So consider this somewhat introspective piece when a ‘relationship’ maybe isn’t the best.

Mikey x Fem!Reader

Rated Mature/Angst/Feels (18+ Only)

“I am human and I need to be loved”

A lifespan isn’t enough to understand that love is a complicated emotion. It’s addicting caress can remain in ones soul for ages. Love is kind they say, but what of those moments where it’s not? When the heart strangles itself and you choke on desperation?

Love isn’t perfect, that very imperfection glued us to those we worship. That hurt can be addicting as well.

He’s aware of it, he knows that his innocence only hides a questioning.

Because Mikey has gotten so good at hiding those dark parts that linger like shadows in his brain. There’s pain behind that smile, there’s sadness hidden beneath the foundation he’s lain.

You see it, you’re aware of it.

You can’t help but feel ashamed you’re the cause of it.

You want to take ownership of it but every time your mouth opens that tightness in your jaw increases. Before the words can be processed you’re doing most of the speaking with your hands.

And your lips.

Mikey’s never denied you, the thought of rejection paralyzes him so profoundly he aches. But it would be unwise to state there isn’t any trace of doubt. He’s mindful of your distaste for love, that you aren’t a believer. He’s mindful of what cracks inside of him when you flirt your way through the day. He’s at the forefront but he isn’t unwise to the way you linger a hand on Leo’s arm or how your eyes light up when April walks into a room.

Your eyes have that same bright hue when he’s the target. When it’s the two of you and your fingers map out a path on his thigh. It’s so palpable in the air that surrounds the two of you when you suddenly crash into him and swallow his soul whole.

You’re greedy.

The first time you had kissed him he swore there was no way he could verbally describe what erupted inside of him. He remembers it clearly like a fond dream, the way you had pushed him into a darken corner. Your hands on his waist, pink tongue tasting orange crush and sweets.

He had been so shy it had melted you. His hands tentatively resting on hips. Lips merely following your lead. When you had stopped with your lips lingering so closely to his, you had simply giggled and asked him where the night could take you both.

Mikey knows what whiplash feels like, but emotionally this was his first time. He let it go, slowly watched whatever this had meant leave his grasp.

He lets you lead.

You’re so greedy.

He can’t blame you as much as he can blame himself. This isn’t the only time naturally, he could switch the memories like tv stations, often settling on his favorite ones.

He tries to avoid the ones that hurt.

You want to blame life, blame all past events that led you to develop a thick skin. It’s so impenetrable, but the dents are here and there scattered across two decades. Mikey sees the road map of damage, it hides behind your smile and your nonchalant attitude towards the tomorrow. He kinda likes it though, that you can build up a wall for whatever tries to infiltrate your barrier.

He’s addicted to the fact that you allow him in, that your guard goes down when he’s there. Mikey just wishes he had a clearer read, that whatever is happening could have a description a fucking name tag maybe. But soon enough you’re jumping into his open and awaiting arms, pressing yourself so flush against him and whispering how much you just missed him.

Mikey doesn’t miss how you stick like glue to him one particular night. The gangs there, everyone watching some horror flick that Casey had brought over. He can’t keep his eyes straight when you’re so warm next to him, tracing lazy circles on his palm before gripping it like it was some habit.

You were a habit basically, a tick that comforted him and somehow kept him grounded into this plain of existence. It’s a rush of blood to the head. Something that swims inside of his soul, wraps around him like ivy.

You wish it could be simple, to face up and just accept the cards laid out. But you were never one to just take it at face value. Easy just wasn’t in your vocabulary and well, it’s obvious that it’s not in Mikey’s wether by proxy or his own doing.

So when you quietly excuse yourself and feel Mikey’s blue orbs follow you, you obviously text him to come with after a minute or so.

The minute he follows into his and Raph’s room and finds you sitting on his bed with your legs crossed looking pleased as punch, he knows he’s so utterly screwed. Cause he’d do anything to have that image frozen in time and place, just you and that beautiful smile that robs him of thought and oxygen. Even as you beckon him closer with a gleam in your eye that means trouble and a hundred more questions for Mikey to stay up all day and night over.

He follows.

He comes to the foot of his bed and almost overloads when the tip of that beckoning finger runs a path over what would be his navel. Mikey swallows hard, breathing through his nostrils.

It guts you how he reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. Mikey honest to god admires you like living breathing art. He takes a sharp inhale when you press your face to his clothed crotch and moan at the sensation that greets you. Mikey can’t erase the image of you, looking up at him as you push down his shorts, lust and what he registers might be love in your e/c orbs.

Much less when you take him into your mouth and the heat rushes down your body to your core. Your red cheeks hollowing in and creating such a tightness that Mikey whimpers, one hand gripping the back of your head and the other somehow interlocking with yours. It’s the intimacy of it, with your eyes fluttering closed as you take him as deeply as you possibly can. How his fingers play with yours.

Mikey tries to mumble something coherent out, he wants to tell you that he’s close and he knows it’s proper etiquete to tell you. It’s actually sweet and you almost giggle with a mouthful of him even when you feel nails dig into the back of your head as Mikey tries to not moan too loudly.

The way your throat bobs, lips swollen with a sticky sheen to them. He’s punch drunk, loves struck when he cups your cheeks and kisses you, tasting himself and falling further down into the rabbit hole that’s become the two of you not questioning this.

And god he should question it before his mind keeps running every possible scenario that’s caused this to be so unidentifiable. Because after that night he’s got radio silence from you for four days. He feels like a ghost floating around his brothers, going from motion to motion until he decides to take that step.

He shows up at your apartment, contemplates knocking on that window for fifteen minutes but what can he say? What does he want to ask? What if it drives you and whatever this is away?

He caves, eyes not so bright when you pull apart the curtains and he’s met with the same look he’s been sporting these past few days. You do smile though, that smile that digs nails into his soul. You let him come in, already putting on a mask that fits too perfectly.

“What’s wrong...Are you mad at me?” Mikey asks tentatively like peeling a hangnail. You freeze on your way to the kitchen, looking down at your bare feet like the answer might sprout from beneath them. “Nothings wrong, was just busy is all” It’s a pathetic excuse and not entirely truthful because you’ve been stewing in your apartment knowing full well that the boy behind you has planted roots in your heart.

And it scares the shit out of you.

So you turn, that shield up so high that Mikey notices and the whiplash is hard when you close the distance and wrap your arms around his neck. “What? Miss me that much?” Your scent hits him like a fresh hit to an addict. Four days without the warmth of your skin burning him. Mikey wants to test that shield, destroy it with his bare hands and find the real you in there, he pulls back far enough to look into your eyes and drown in them.

He quietly accepts his fate right then and there, ready to hand over his heart into your hands and watch you squeeze. And you see it all, your chest tight and jaw set, you run a finger across his cheek in such soothing slow motion. You want to tell him that this isn’t worth the heartache and headache, that you won’t come around any time soon.

Instead, you start to strip off his gear, bit by bit, each carefully taken apart. You untie his sweater from around his waist, hands lingering and maping out every detail you want forever engraved in your brain. You grab his hand and put them on you, a silent agreement for him to do the same. Mikey strips you out of your hoodie, finding a sports bra beneath it, eyes glued to new skin as he kneels and hooks his fingers in your shorts and slides them down slowly.

You walk him to your room, hand tightly clasped around his and there’s no hesitation in your steps because you want this and he wants this but every question that’ll come from this will just have to wait. You truly do go about things the wrong way.

The innocent touching makes your heart twist, the way his blue eyes run over you like you’re stolen art and he’s got dibs on it. It’s so sweet, asking his permission with a look to strip you of your bra, to run his hands towards the newly exposed flesh. It guts you so deeply when he pulls you close against him and just holds you, cause it dawns on you that Mikey has never held somebody this intimately. You shiver with the way he circles your back in ghostly touches, just basking in what it feels to feel your skin so close to his.

“We don’t have to do this” ‘I don’t want to hurt you’

“It’s okay, I just...Don’t disappear on me like that please” Mikey feels you tighten your grip on him and it takes every inch of his resolve to not crumble and just say that he loves you, that he’s loved you from the moment you rested your head on his shoulder, from the moments you’ve kissed him and made his head so clouded with questions of ‘If’ and ‘maybe’ but he knows he won’t be met with the same words.

Maybe not now, or simply not at all.

So he holds you close, even as you start to tremble, feeling tears on his shoulder. You can’t say anything, you can’t say a single damn thing.

See I've already waited too long

And all my hope is gone

#I wanted to post it even as my heart keep breaking but I wanted all of you to have this #tmnt bayverse #tmnt michelangelo x female reader #tmnt michelangelo x reader #michelangelo tmnt #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt mikey #tmnt mikey x reader #mikey x reader #michelangelo x reader #angst #ns*w

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beauty-and-passion · 5 years ago

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Logan’s playlist: an essay of frustration and acceptance (part 2)

Hi, welcome back to the playlist analysis that is the bane of my existence. Not the one about the emo poetic boi. Not the one about the cryptic snek boi. Not the one about the trash rat boi. Not the one about the dramatic himbo prince boi. The one about the nerd.

Anyway, this is the second part, so in order to understand it better, give a look at the first part, then come back here. As always, there could be swear words and mention of a lot of stuff, so read it at your own risk.

Well, since Logan’s groupies didn’t kill me last time, we can raise the stakes a little bit, mh? ;)

Time to talk about Thomas and Logan’s relationship.

_______________________________

SECTION 3: THE ONLY SIDE WHO DARES

This section is absolutely insane. It covers the songs right in the middle of the playlist and it’s a crescendo of emotions that leads to a violent outburst.

For being the embodiment of logic, the nerd is pretty passionate about everything, isn't he? I mean, the whole playlist is basically filled with emotional songs, with the only exceptions of The Elements and Galaxy Song - and this one is a bit in the middle too.

But here we'll start to see what Logan feels in relation to a particular subject: the big guy himself, Thomas Sanders.

Spoiler: they’re not exactly the good emotions you might’ve expected.

Frustration - Streaks

This is a very, very interesting song. It’s just in the middle of the playlist and, as every song placed in the middle, it carries a huge meaning behind.

Streaks is a coming-of-age song about the trial and errors of growing up. The title itself can be considered a reference to the streaks of gray that appear in your hair when you get old.

This song gives us a glance at Thomas' growth and at the part Logan played in it. But it also shows us how Logan felt during that time and what happened, when Thomas took the decision that changed his whole life.

Tell me what did you learn at school today Did they show you what you're worth in numbers and signs You can read every word you can solve every equation a hundred times Just to wonder what comes next, oh

Logan sounds like a good father, sitting down next to young Thomas, asking him to tell his logical side what he learned at school. There’s pride in Logan's tone (“You can read every word you can solve every equation a hundred times”), but there’s also another emotion: curiosity.

Curiosity should always be associated with logic. Curiosity is the foundation of every research for knowledge, every scientific breakthrough, every theory and every human creation. We asked ourselves questions, just out of sheer curiosity (why the sky is blue, why the water is deep, why the ground shakes sometimes, why fish can't breath air) and that same curiosity pushed us to search for answers to our questions. There wouldn't be anything, if curiosity never pushed us to know more.

So, considering how fundamental curiosity is for logic's existence, it should be everywhere in this playlist, right?

And yet, we see it here, for the first time. After nine songs. And in a moment in which Logan is referring to Thomas' past. As if curiosity doesn’t play a role anymore for present Logan.

All these years of filling out papers Building a future, keeping your head down Tryin’ to keep a head on your shoulders, keep it creative, make it your own somehow Cause It's all a piece of the plan It's something you'll understand When you're older

And that’s the part that made me think: "This is all referring to Thomas”.

We all know that Thomas Sanders (the original one) pursued a career in Chemical Engineering and even worked as an engineer for a while. He even confirmed it with this tweet:

Just like the real one, after graduating and working as an engineer, Character!Thomas chose a different path. And Logan never hid his frustration for this decision, as we saw in Moving On part 1:

[Logan]: So many years of chemical engineering and science that you decided to flush down the metaphorical toilet.

The chorus of Streaks shows the exact same frustration Logan expressed with that sentence. Thomas (and Logan) spent years of Thomas' life “filling out paper” for school, college, university. Admission papers, test papers, final papers. Everything in order to “build a future”, Thomas’ future, for a stable job.

But not just that: Logan helped in keeping Thomas’ head “down”, in never letting him in trouble - because how was he supposed to graduate and find a job, if he did something stupid or sketchy and got caught? What if he got punished, expelled or - worst case scenario - arrested? Logan couldn't let Thomas do something that could ruin his life and blemish his record. They're working hard on preparing a good future for him.

At the same time, Logan helped in keeping Thomas' head creative. And that sounds nonsensical, because Creativity is Roman's job, not Logan. But just as curiosity is an essential part that leads to discovery and knowledge, so is creativity. You should be at least a tiny bit creative, if you want to understand something new, develop a theory or make a breakthrough.

The last three lines are something everyone can relate to. When you were younger, you surely asked yourself - at least once: why studying all this stuff? Why going to school all these hours and dealing with teachers and filling all those stupid papers? Why caring about all of this?

Because these are all “pieces of the plan": your life plan. If you don’t do these things, your life will be much harder and you won't have a good future. Studying hard, getting good grades, going into good universities, pursuing a doctorate: those are all necessary steps in order to have a good job, a good pay, less problems and less worries.

Of course you don't care about all this stuff when you're a kid, because your parents provide you everything. But when you start to get older, these things become increasingly important.

At the same time, you can't start working to achieve these goals when you're old enough to truly care about them (like when you're 18 or 20 or 30). You have to start when you’re still a kid and pile up your progress over time.

The message is the same here: if Thomas can’t understand his choices now, if he questions his career and his job as chemical engineer, it’s because he’s still young and naive. He will understand it when he'll be 50 or 60 and he will find out that being an engineer is a much safer job, compared to any artistic-related job.

So Logan still sees Thomas as a little, clueless child who can't understand his choices now. But he will, one day, when he'll be more mature.

Except that Thomas destroyed all the years of planning. He left his stable, secure job, to get into the complicated world of acting. He left a career he built over years and years of constant commitment. That big plan he and Logan worked so hard to fulfill... everything was flushed “down the metaphorical toilet”, as Logan said.

You're a smart kid, tough kid, but you're still a kid that grew

Again: Thomas is smart, is strong, Logan knows that and he's proud of him... but, Thomas is a kid. He grew up physically, but he's still not an adult. And he needs Logan’s guidance and help.

Hubris - What I Do For U

I want you to survive Anything you need I hope that heaven finds What you'd done when you made me I can't get my own feet Not like I want to Only heaven knows What I do for you

Those are the first lines and we already have:

Christian references (are we back in Janus’ playlist?)

Logan being frustrated because he can’t do things like he would like to ("I can't get my own feet / Not like I want to"), because, of course, Thomas doesn't listen to him as much as Logan wants

He's so damn passive-aggressive I feel like he just smacked me

Logan’s hubris

And that last point is the one I would like to expand a bit more. Because, as said in the first part of this analysis, Logan has always been very proud of who he is, of his awesome mind and vast knowledge. He doesn't think he’s just smart, he knows he’s “smarter than everyone else”.

That's not just a huge self-esteem, that's pure hubris. And we can see it in full here:

I'm your only hope I'm your savior too Every single test You've been ever carried through

Logan isn’t just Thomas’ helper or his supporter. He sees himself as Thomas' only hope and savior. Damn, that’s definitely more than just “being proud of themselves”. Only Logan can save Thomas. If there’s a problem, Thomas has to ask for Logan. Just Logan. Logan is the one who always helped him, with every single test he carried through his life: school, job, everything. Logan has saved him every time. Logan is essential for Thomas.

That’s an impressive - and a bit disturbing - amount of hubris. Not even Janus, who dedicated his playlist to Thomas, has called himself “Thomas’ savior”. But Logan did. And he has such a high opinion of himself, to think he’s the only side who matters.

And for someone with such a big self-esteem, just imagine how devastating it can be, when the person you’re supposed to save doesn’t listen to you.

Passive-aggressive behaviour - Erase Me

Here we are, the famous Erase Me everyone talked about.

I was genuinely curious to listen to it, because according to a lot of people, that was the quintessential of Logan's angst. Gosh, how sad will this song be? I was ready to be devastated, because Logan is not okay, poor boy :(((. So I listened to it.

And my thought was: “Damn, this guy has some serious balls”.

What was our home Paper not stone A lean-to at most And when you pulled your half away Gravity won

Those first lines are a huge metaphor: a relationship is like leaning against a house, holding it together. It's a huge, constant commitment. So when one of the people involved in the relationship "pulls away", the house inevitably crumbles.

The relationship between Logan and Thomas has been the same. Thomas was pursuing a career in Chemical Engineering. It was a huge commitment. But he and Logan worked together, day after day, year after year, building a house of papers - the same papers mentioned in Streaks, "pieces of a plan" for Thomas' future.

But Thomas left that plan. He didn't commit anymore, because he changed his mind and chose to be an actor. And the “house” crumbled down.

Did I weigh a ton?

We can notice a tiny bit of insecurity in Logan's words. Maybe he was the problem? Did he put too much pressure on Thomas? Was he such a burden, to make Thomas take that drastic decision to change his life?

Would it be easier to just delete Our pages and the plans we made?

Logan can’t believe it: does Thomas really want to delete all their plans, "all these years of filling out papers" and building a future, like it was nothing? They spent years following that plan, they committed to it. It's illogic to let it go. It's absurd. Logan can't accept it.

Erase me So you don't have to face me Put me in the ground and mow the daisies

Logan is so pissed, to become passive aggressive. Look at those lines: he literally dares Thomas to kill him. Because Thomas should feel guilty, when he looks at Logan and remembers how much time they apparently “wasted” on his career ("So many years of chemical engineering and science that you decided to flush down the metaphorical toilet."). But if Thomas kills him, he won't have to face Logan and remember that decision to abandon science that will RUIN his life (according to Logan).

And Logan won't bother him anymore, since he's such a burden.

He goes even further in the next line: "put me in the ground" means "bury me", while "mow the daisies" connects to the phrase “pushing up daisies”, that basically means "someone has been buried and their remains are contributing to the growth of those flowers".

So Logan is saying: delete me, kill me, bury me and when my body will be nothing more than soil and daisies will grow from my grave, cut those daisies too.

I told you this man is DARK.

So what will you do With no me for you? I know what we said What if I left a thing or two? We know that you don't seem To think about what you need 'til you reach to find that you've Erased me

Listen, I am a tiny bit passive aggressive when someone really goes on my nerves, but THIS is a whole new level.

"So what will you do / With no me for you?": remember What I Do For U? Logan has a huge consideration of himself. So he asks Thomas what he will do, without Logan. He's Thomas' "saviour", his "only hope". Thomas is doomed without him.

And the next lines confirm that: when Thomas will need something, when he will beg for his saviour's help, he will find out that, oh no, Logan isn't here anymore to help and save him.

And it will all be Thomas' fault.

"I know what we said / what if I left a thing or two?": damn, Logan, stop being so savage. Not only is he saying that he already spoke with Thomas about this decision and told him what he thought about it (and we can easily imagine what kind of words he used), but he's also slightly insulting Thomas. Maybe he still has to say a few words to Thomas - and they definitely won't be nice words.

What the fuck is this? You're crazy, turned around In two weeks time replaced me

Logan is PISSED. "What the fuck is this?" is a pure, open reaction, devoid of dripping sarcasm and passive-aggressive behaviour. Logan can't accept Thomas' decision to be an actor. It's stupid. What the fuck is he doing? It's crazy!

But just after that, here comes the sarcasm again: once more, Logan dares Thomas to replace him. Logan is such a burden, so annoying and no one listens to him anyways, so it should be free to replace him with a funnier, more useful side, mh? Two weeks are enough: after all Logan isn't useful, he's not Thomas saviour and hope, so it should be easy to replace him.

Damn Logan, easy with the sarcasm.

Erase me Option-Command-Escape me And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be? Nothing

The keys Option+Command+Escape are used on Apple devices to forcefully terminate applications that are running. Here is another metaphor: Logan is daring Thomas to forcefully shut him down, again. After all, Thomas doesn't need him, so come on, Thomas. Erase me, if you DARE.

But notice that Logan's outburst isn’t motivated just by hubris and frustration: Logan is smart, he knows he can allow himself to do it. Because he's the goddamn Logic, Thomas needs him to function as a human being. So he perfectly knows Thomas can't get rid of him.

And so, he feels he has the upper hand. He can dare something no other Side could've ever dared: to put himself above Thomas and defy him. And that's incredibly huge, because Thomas isn't just another side, but the reason for Logan’s existence. And Logan considers himself better than his creator.

It kinda reminds me of Nietzsche and "God is dead" that, you know, it strangely fits with the next song.

Self-hatred - Art is Dead

On a superficial level, this song is a series of insults towards artists, who are described like this:

Have you ever been to a birthday party for children And one of the children won't stop screaming 'Cause he's just a little attention-attractor When he grows up to be a comic or actor He'll be rewarded for never maturing For never understanding or learning That every day can't be about him There's other people, you selfish asshole!

So artists are just children who never grew up, little attention-seekers who should be reprimanded by society, but are instead encouraged by it.

Okay, now change the word "artist" with "Thomas".

Logan has always considered Thomas a kid, since Streaks ("You're a smart kid, tough kid, but you're still a kid that grew"). Thomas never matured, never learned. He flushed years of chemical engineering and science "down the metaphorical toilet". Despite Logan's constant attention and guidance, Thomas took that decision that changed his life ("... that YOU decided to flush down...") and Logan had to deal with it.

But, deep down, that decision hurt him. That's not what Logan wanted for Thomas. And he finally said it, in LNTAO:

[Logan]: Thomas, I have held back my opinions for too long. And that's obviously not benefiting you. I refuse to withhold my perspective any longer. You need to get a real job.

Logan never accepted Thomas’ decision to be an actor. And this song is his way to rant about it, to show how clearly he hates it.

I am an artist Please God, forgive me I am an artist Please don't revere me I am an artist Please don't respect me I am an artist Feel free to correct me

We all know the sides are facets of Thomas' single personality. But there are sides like Virgil, who prefer to keep some individuality ("Let me be an individual, Thomas" from 12 Days of Christmas) and talk about their job with Thomas as a cooperation, like Virgil does in Embarrassing Phases:

[Virgil]: You talk about how I work with you now. That's great, but... I need you to work with me, too.

On the other hand, Logan is probably the only side who clearly pointed out he's not Thomas’ coworker, helper or supporter, but part of him.

[Thomas]: But, like, have you watched The Office bloopers? [Logan]: As a matter of fact I've watched it fifteen and a half times because I AM A PART OF YOU!

Logan is the only side who made this "overlap". And we see it in the song too. the subject is "I". I am an artist. Because Logan IS part of Thomas, so if Thomas is an artist, so is Logan.

And he hates it. He hates being an artist. He hates this career he didn't choose ("Please God, forgive me"). He hates people indulging him into this decision, he hates that there's no one stopping Thomas from pursuing this career, he hates that Thomas is so good at it and people appreciate him, because the more he grows as an actor, the less he will come back to the career he was pursuing before.

That's self-hatred, plain and simple. Logan is Thomas and if Logan hates Thomas' decision, Logan hates himself too. Because no matter if it was Thomas who decided to stop being an engineer and be an actor instead: Thomas is Logan and Logan is Thomas, so Thomas' decision is Logan's decision. And Logan hates himself for doing that.

At the same time, you can notice something else, in the words used in this song: "Please don't respect me", "Feel free to correct me"... guys, that's sarcasm. A pretty heavy one.

And if you come back to read the whole song, it takes a whole different meaning.

Logan hates being an artist, because he loves it. But he's not supposed to love it! He's Logic, he should hate this silly career! He left a good, serious, perfect job as a chemical engineer and he deeply regrets that decision. But, at the same time, he likes being an artist.

It's a real paradox: Logan hates his choice, but he also loves it. He hates and loves being an artist and he hates himself for loving it.

A self-centered artist Self-obsessed artist I am an artist I am an artist But I'm just a kid I'm just a kid I'm just a kid, kid And maybe I'll grow out of it

Again: Thomas is a kid that never grew (as seen in Streaks) and if Thomas is a kid, then Logan is a kid. A kid that never grew out of his silly, childish desire to be an artist. Because all kids want to be artists, while their parents typically encourage them to focus on a more academic career (like, you know, chemical engineering) hoping that, eventually, the kid will “grow out of” that silly desire and move on to focus on other things.

Logan acted like a parent. Thomas has always wanted to be an artist, Creativity has always pushed him to pursue his hopes and dreams. So Logan tried to push Thomas in a different direction, hoping that this childish desire will fade away.

But it didn't. Logan lost the battle, Thomas changed his plans... and Logan actually likes Thomas' new career. But he feels guilty for liking it, guilty for failing his job. He's Logic, he's clever and smart, he knows that being an actor isn’t a steady job, that Thomas can easily fail, lose the public favour and be unemployed. He should hate it.

Yet, he still loves it. He loves it so much, to hate himself and Thomas for doing it. To the point of lashing out to Thomas, threatening him, challenging his authority and insulting him.

And if that doesn't sound like a broken man with a huge problem of self-hatred, I don't know what it is.

_______________________________

SECTION 4: PATH TO RECOVERY

Just a kid - Equation

This song is part of the soundtrack of The Little Prince. I hope you all have seen the movie or, at least, you know the novel, because it's beautiful. When I was a child, I didn't find it so compelling - yeah, okay, so a kid and his friendship with the fox and stuff, like, who cares? - but when you grow up, you see the layers of this story. And it's heartwarming to see how the movie is able to show them, with the use of that wonderful animation. And the story of the movie integrated the novel in such a beautiful way!

Quick recap of the premise of the movie: the protagonist is a little girl, who is facing incredible pressures to grow up prematurely. One day, she befriends an eccentric old man living next door and, over the course of the film, he tells her the story of the little prince, subtly exposing the impossible expectations she deals with.

If you've never seen this film, see it. Especially the first part. The second part is kinda stupid and, honestly?, it angers me, because the movie was dealing with very important themes - but instead of focusing on them, it took that idiotic turn of "let's fight evil people to solve everything" that is just dumb.

Back to the song: Equation explores the little girl's feelings in a very subtle, delicate way. She IS a little girl, she's still a kid, but she's forced to face adulthood. To leave behind dreams and aspirations, because there are other things to focus on.

Yep, it's the perfect aftermath of Logan's outburst in Art is Dead.

The song opens with numbers and words that keep repeating in the background, representing knowledge - logic, what Logan is and what he should be. It's like a chant, a constant whisper that burdens him, just like it was a burden for the little girl.

Have I made you cross? Have I made you sad? Have I made you proud, Mom?

Those are probably the saddest lines ever, because for the whole movie, the girl has a conflicting relationship with her mother. She knows her mother wants her best, by forcing her to study all day and never let her be a child. But, at the same time, she hates her mother's plan, because she was spending all her time preparing for the future and never had enough time to enjoy her present and her childhood.

The same happened between Thomas and Logan: Logan is the mother, forcing Thomas to follow a path that was very distant from what he actually dreamed about. But Logan is also the child, because, just like Thomas, he focused too much on building a future, to forget what he had/was.

So this line "Have I made you proud, Mom?" just shatters my heart in tiny pieces, because it's Logan talking to Thomas. Logan wants the best for Thomas, just like any other side, but his best hurt Thomas. And, by hurting Thomas, Logan hurt himself too.

Logan's hubris, his frustration, even his outburst and insults... they were all a way to express his pain. The choice to become an actor has been a double-edged sword: it made Logan happy, but it made him sad too. His own nature as logic conflicted with is (and Thomas') desire to be an actor. So he tried to force Thomas to pursue a more stable, conventional career, hoping that would solve the internal conflict he was having between his nature and his/Thomas' desires.

Will I ever know How white is the snow? Does it matter after all? Will I ever learn How to fly like birds?

And so, Logan focused on his/Thomas’ future too much. He tried so hard to "grow up" and stop thinking about being an artist, that he shut down a fundamental part of himself, that part of logic that is more related to kids and youth: his curiosity.

Do you remember how strange it was that curiosity appeared so rarely in this playlist? We never saw anything resembling curiosity, after Streaks.

It's because Logan forced it down. In order to be logical and rational, he forgot there's no logic, no science, nothing, without curiosity. We humans would've never been this smart or made such huge discoveries, without curiosity pushing us to know more.

And the following lines "Maybe in an hour / In a day / In a week" show Logan's struggle even more. Deep down he wants to be a kid, he wants to be curious... but he tries to convince himself to do it later. In an hour. Or the day after. Or the week after. He keeps postponing the moment in which he will be allowed to be curious, to be a child, because being Logic is more important and he can't allow himself to indulge in "childish things".

But that means denying and forcing part of himself away. And, by doing that, the result is hating yourself, because you've never given you time to accept and appreciate every part of you.

Will I be a brave Will I be a bright Will I be a good grown-up?

But Logan hasn't realized it soon. He's already into a spiral of self-hatred. Yet, he hopes that these painful feelings will help Thomas, somehow. He hopes that denying himself his own curiosity, his more "childish side" and focusing so much on being just Logic, the adult, the grown-up, will make him good. That's so damn heartbreaking, because he already took that decision, he already forced himself to shut down a part of him... and he did it, because he thought it was the best decision for Thomas. Because focusing on the future was the right thing to do. He had to be a good grown-up for Thomas. He had to help him build his future.

Because, just like every other Side, Logan deeply loves Thomas. And he desperately needs to be loved by him too.

Love - Sunrise

This song is a low blow, because the true meaning is very well hidden. You listen to it and wow, it's a very romantic song. But, like... VERY romantic. TOO romantic. It's not that you have to ship Logince to connect the song to these two: is that the ship bursts into your house, grabs you by the shoulders and yells "HEY HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW LOGAN AND ROMAN ARE DEEPLY IN LOVE?".

I don't even ship them, but the shipping energy is SO STRONG, all you can do is give up. Geez, fine, okay, apparently Logan is incredibly infatuated with Roman and I can already hear him justifying this song, by saying: "No, I chose it because it has the translation incorporated for a lot of spanish words and I'm learning how to say "the Prince is stupid" in every language, that's all".

Also, the "I hate you but I actually love you" energy is too strong. Damn, Logan, I’m trying to do my job ship-free, don’t tease me.

Also, this song was probably chosen because Joan is a fan of In The Heights and they love Logan, so Joan+Thomas decided to be the biggest trolls ever and put the two things together with a love song.

I'll admit it, the shipping energy made me question a lot WHY this song was here. But then, I took a step back and saw the song from the outside. What is this song about? What is the theme of this song?

The theme can be summarized with this line:

Promise me you’ll stay beyond the sunrise

The two characters are in love, they're afraid their love won't be approved and others will oppose them. But here they promise each other to stay together. And that's what Logan is asking too: Logan is asking Thomas to not leave him.

That's basically a 180 from Erase me, in which he challenged Thomas to kill him. Erase Me was the result of Logan's frustration and self-hatred: Sunrise is a tender expression of Logan's true feelings and his deep fears.

Logan may act strong and adult, but he's still a child who has never allowed himself to be it. And, as every child, deep down he just wants to be loved. Equation hinted this feeling ("Have I made you proud, Mom?"), while Sunrise shows it in the deepest, most heartwarming way.

Logan's choice to cut off his foundation (his curiosity) and be an adult led to another consequence: not only Logan hates himself, but he doesn't feel loved at all. And that scares him, makes him even more sad and prone to hate himself. Because if Thomas doesn't love him, maybe it's Logan's fault, because Logan is wrong, he's doing his job wrong, he's not mature enough, he's still too childish - thus leading to Logan denying and hating himself even more, being even more sad because of the lack of love and hating himself even more in a neverending cycle.

Logan just wants to be loved. And, with Sunrise, he's expressing this desperate need: he doesn't want to be left behind. He wants to be by Thomas' side. He wants Thomas to care about him, to listen to him, to show him affection.

This is huge for someone like Logan, who denies having feelings. He's exposing them a lot, he's exposing himself a lot, in this desperate request for love.

And that leads to the obvious consequence.

The pain of healing - One More Time with Feeling

As said before, Logan exposed himself a whole lot. Equation and Sunrise went in the opposite direction, if compared to the previous four songs we saw - and to the whole first half of the playlist! Until Equation, Logan was a cold, logical side, confident, sarcastic, full of himself, hard with Thomas. But then, the bubble popped and Logan showed what his true feelings are: pain, hope, love. He showed how desperate he is for Thomas' appreciation.

And so, the most natural thing he does is taking a step back.

Your stitches are all out But your scars are healing wrong

By exposing himself so much, Logan doesn't feel like he made the right choice. He exposed his "stitches": his pain, his doubts, his desperation. And exposing your feelings should make things better, right? When others know what do you truly feel, then it's all downhill from here, right? You were hurt, but now you're better.

No, it's not. In real life, it's never like that. Logan is still suffering. His scars aren't healing, he's still in pain.

Everyone takes turns Now it's yours to play the part And they're sitting all around you Holding copies of your chart And the misery inside their eyes is Synchronized and reflecting it to yours

This is the most Logan thing I've ever read. That's Logan 110%. And those lines are telling us A LOT.

They're telling us that the other sides know about Logan's feelings, in this moment (probably somewhere in the future). That Logan's issues have been addressed and solved. That the episodes keep going and everything looks the same: everyone talks, they solve the issue of the day, sink down, peace out.

It's like a perfect play. Everyone plays a part and Logan feels like he's also playing it. It's his turn to talk and the others are all around him. He's explaining something, something related to a new issue Thomas is having, something completely unrelated to him. The other sides are holding some charts he gave them.

And when he looks at them, their eyes reflect the same misery he's feeling inside.

My heart just cracked a bit.

Logan isn't well. At all. Exposing himself and addressing his pain should've made him feel better soon. But the healing process isn't as fast as he thought.

Hold on One more time with feeling Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right This is why we fight

And so, once again, Logan forces himself to do something - in this case, play a part. He forces himself to not collapse, to keep a hold on himself. He's on the road of recovery now. And yes, he's still in a lot of pain, he's still hurt and desperate... but he has to give it time. He must be patient. He's doing it not just for himself, but for Thomas. He’s the reason why Logan is fighting.

You thought by now you'd be So much better than you are You thought by now they'd see That you had come so far

As I said before, Logan thought that, by now (aka after addressing and solving his issues and completing his arc), he would be better. He would’ve just changed with a snap of his fingers and bam, now he's a new side and everything is okay.

That's not what happened. He learned what he did wrong, by rejecting his curiosity and not allowing himself to express his feelings and desires. He slowly moved to the road of recovery.

And, apparently, it's been a long, VERY long recovery. And he hoped the others would see how far he'd come. But if they'd seen it, why all he can see is misery in their eyes? Why do they still feel pity towards him?

And so, he plays a part. The part of a side who is feeling better, who has solved his problems, I'm not still hurt, why would you think that?

And the pride inside their eyes Would synchronize into a love you've never known So much more than you've been shown

Logan hoped to see them being proud of him. He hoped they would give him "a love you've never known". Just like in Equation, Logan feels like he has never been loved enough. And, consequently, he has never been able to fully express his love ("So much more than you've been shown").

Just remember Streaks, What I Do For U, Erase Me and Art is Dead: Logan was frustrated and lashed out, because he wasn't able to express his affection in a different, healthier way. His self-hatred and all his feelings, so bottled up, weren't able to flow in a more natural way. And so, his love for Thomas remained at the bottom, under layers upon layers of pain and hate.

Now, Logan is trying to do the right thing. He's recovering. But the road is still long and all he can do is pretend that he's making good progress, while he's actually still in the painful part of his journey.

_______________________________

SECTION 5: ACCEPTANCE

Towards acceptance - In My Mind

This song is basically the summary of Logan's journey of growth, from his first terrible mistake, to the final realization.

And it's funny how I imagined That I would be that person now But it does not seem to have happened Maybe I've just forgotten how to see That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

Logan wanted to be perfect, "the picture of discipline". Never saying the wrong thing, never indulging in any bad habit, always calm and collected. But then, he realized that no, he's not like that, Thomas isn't like that.

So, maybe, it was his fault. He has forgotten to use his foresight, to focus on Thomas' future. He should focus more, that's the solution. He should stop indulging in the childish parts of himself, growing up and being more serious.

I'm so busy with everything That I don't look at anything But I'm sure I'll look when I am older

And so, Logan has a lot to do, now: planning things, preparing Thomas, training him every day for the future, when he will be older and he will have time to enjoy stuff. He can't enjoy his life now, because now he has to focus on the future. He will enjoy things later, when he'll be older and he'll have more time.

But that's not what I want If that's what I wanted Then I'd be giving up somehow How strange to see That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

But then, after he reached the climax and let all of his hatred out, Logan realized that no, that's not what he wants to be. He wants to be a child. He wants to be curious. He wants to be an artist. He actually doesn't want Thomas (and himself) to be "the picture of discipline".

And it's funny how I imagined That I could win this winless fight But maybe it isn't all that funny That I've been fighting all my life But maybe I have to think it's funny If I wanna live before I die And maybe it's funniest of all To think I'll die before I actually see That I am exactly the person that I want to be

And that's now that Logan realizes: he wasn't wrong, at the beginning. He wasn't doing anything wrong. Thomas' desires weren't wrong. Being childish, being curious, following dreams and being an artist... those were what they both had always wanted. And how foolish has it been of him, to think he could force himself to be something else! Of course it would've never worked! Of course it would've just led to pain and self-hatred!

And now, Logan realizes that. He fought all his life, against everything, against Thomas, against himself, because he wasn't allowing himself to truly live. He kept postponing and postponing the moment in which he would've enjoyed life, in preparation of a future and an ideal that he never wanted.

And the worst thing is that he could've died like that, without living a single day of his life, never accepting himself.

While he was actually perfect from the start. He was exactly what he wanted to be: this strange Logic, so curious, so full of feelings, with a deep desire to be an artist.

Now Logan can see it. Now he realizes his imperfections weren't actually imperfections. They were part of him, part of Thomas.

And, as Patton said in POF: "Those imperfections don't make you any less worthy of love".

Embracing imperfections - Not Perfect

The title itself is pretty self-explanatory: Logan has finally realized that his and Thomas' imperfections aren't wrong.

And so, this realization overflows from the whole song: it starts by accepting your planet, your country, your house, until yourself. Nothing is perfect, nothing goes exactly as planned. But that's okay. Even if things aren't perfect, they're still Thomas'. If Thomas is alive on this beautiful blue marble so full of problems, if he lives in his not-perfect country, if he has his good-but-tiny house and his maybe-not-perfect body, it's all because he was gifted with a precious, unique life, who allowed him to experience and enjoy all these things.

So, instead of chasing a perfect ideal, what about stopping and thanking for everything he (and Logan) has?

Curiosity - Human

This song is a perfect, heartwarming reconnection between Logan and his own curiosity. He's approaching it again, he's taking his time to savour it, to enjoy the pure wonder of the marvelous, amazing machine that is the human body.

Listen to how gently, how peacefully the singer lists all amazing things related to the human body: there's no rush, no pain. Just pure, relaxed wonder.

The average human heart will beat over 100 million times in one lifetime I'm sure you'll find someone who won't mind skipping one for you

I think mine skipped a whole lot, because these lines are just so perfect ngghhhh

Forget any superhero that existed before you You my love, are human

So pure, so perfect. That's the wonder in the eyes of a kid, who learns all these amazing things about their body and stares down at themselves and they're like wooooah.

And this is Logan's pure wonder for the beauty of Thomas' humanity. This precious creature, so wonderfully complicated, who gave him life and acceptance.

You never knew that there was enough to be You never knew there was enough to be You obviously don't know A thing

Listen to this song, read all the lyrics and listen to this final part: there's just affection, in every word. No mock, no reproach. Even those last lines sound more like a playful banter: you, silly, you thought there was nothing to be surprised about? But there's everything and even more out there, to see and explore! Even your own body is a wonder of nature!

Logan is finally okay. He's reconciling with himself, he's accepting his own curiosity again. He's allowing himself to be faulty, childish, full of feelings and wonder for life. Because he (and Thomas) have only one life. One wonderful, amazing life to see and know everything.

Accepting everything - Time Adventure

This song is - guess what? - another strange choice. But a curious one. And believe me, it wasn't easy to find the true meaning behind it.

Time is an illusion that helps things make sense So we are always living in the present tense

Let’s start with Einstein, who said "Time is an illusion". Why? Because time is something we created. We decided that days should be divided into 24 hours, that every hour is divided into 60 minutes and 60 minutes are divided into 60 seconds. The word "time" itself comes from an ancient indo european word that means "division". Because that's what we did: we fragmented an endless amount of "something" into hours, minutes, seconds.

But this "something" isn't universal. If we look at the universe, we don't see the present. Why do we have a unit of measurement called "light-year"? What does it mean that a star is, I don't know, 100 light-years away from us? That the light of that star takes 100 years to reach us. So when we look at it, we're actually seeing how the star was 100 years ago. In our present, it may already be dead.

So time isn't constant in the universe. And our concept of time is just our own. We decided to divide time into past, present and future. The past is fixed and can't be changed, while the future is undefined. As time passes, the moment that was once "the present" becomes part of the past, while part of what was "the future" becomes the new present. So there's this concept of "passage of time" forward into the future and leaving the past behind.

But there's also another concept of time that is the opposite of the one above, called Eternalism. Eternalism is a philosophy that says there's no real "passage of time", but time is already ALL present. Past, present and future exist all together, into a four-dimensional "block", that contains everything.

To explain it better, I will quote this person on genius.com, who used a perfect metaphor:

"(Time) is like a filmstrip. If you look at it in sequence, one frame at time, it seems as if the future hasn’t happened yet and the past is gone forever. But if you look at all the frames at once, you can see that all the moments in the video exist simultaneously. It’s just the perspective of the projector that causes the illusion that time is flowing."

And that's what these lines are hinting about. The following ones ("Will happen, happening happened") just confirm it: there's no "it was in the past and now it's gone forever", there's no flow. It's all here, it has always been all here.

Okay, what does this have to do with Logan?

If there was some amazing force outside of time to take us back to where we were And hang each moment up like pictures on the wall Inside a billion tiny frames so that we can see it all, all, all

It would look like Will happen, happening happened

If we somehow manage to come back in time ("where we were") and we would be able to see all our past together like a series of pictures, we will see that all those moments are still here. Each moment is part of the same filmstrip.

So now imagine Logan, thinking back about his past. About all the times he suffered, when he has never been listened to, when he forced himself to grow up and when he recovered from his mistake.

Will happen, happening happened And there we are again and again 'Cause you and I will always be back then

Those events are not lost forever. They will always "be back", parts of the same filmstrip.

That's another connection, this time to Nietzche and his philosophy of the Eternal Return. this philosophy says all events in the world are destined to repeat themselves in the same sequence, through an eternal series of cycles.

It sounds terrible, right? Well, according to Nietzsche, it's not. On the contrary, this is the purest affirmation of the will to live, because the one who is strong enough to accept the eternal return, is the one who feels amor fati, "love of one's fate".

According to that, everything that happened in your life, including suffering and loss, is good (or, at least, necessary). Why? Because it's yours, because it shaped you into who you are. Think about your own life: do you think you will be the same person you are today, if you didn't have that bad experience that taught you something or if you never suffered?

No one likes pain, but pain helps you to grow. When you suffer, you learn something. You toughen up, become stronger and next time you're prepared. It takes a colossal amount of courage to be able to face your own life and be willing to experience everything all over again - but it's also an incredibly powerful choice. You are willing to reaffirm yourself, to face the same pain and learn again from it, to overcome the same obstacles, no matter how many times they're trying to stop you. You are willing to be an unstoppable force of nature, because no matter the pain, no matter the bad things, you are willing to face them again, just to overcome them AGAIN.

Can you see what a powerful choice it is? Being strong enough to embrace both good and bad like this? I don't think I would ever be this strong but oh damn if I would love to.

Now imagine Logan again, thinking about his past. This series of events that happened but are not lost - are still present and will forever be, because there's no distinction between past, present and future. They will never disappear forever.

And he... accepts them all. He accepts his pain, all of it. He accepts his mistake. He accepts to repeat the same mistake and suffer the same pain, to learn again from it, over and over.

You and I will always be back then That's why You and I will always be best friends

And the same concept applies for his relationship with Thomas. Logan is ready to repeat everything, again and again, to hate him and insult him, to suffer and not be listened to, because he and Thomas will always be best friends. No matter what happened in that part of time labeled as "past": time is all together, so he and Thomas are ALWAYS best friends. There's no moment in time in which this stopped being true.

And if that is true and he and Thomas are always best friends, that means Thomas has always loved him, even when Logan felt no love at all. Even in his darkest hours, even when he hated himself, Thomas has always been by Logan's side, giving him that love Logan was desperately craving.

And I personally think this is the purest, most beautiful affirmation of friendship and that would be a perfect conclusion, for such a painful arc.

_______________________________

I did it!

I will probably lay on the ground for a while, just to recover.

This analysis has been the most difficult to do (unless Patton will change everything... but I doubt that). Logan has been a real challenge and connecting stuff has never been this hard. Just look at the last song! A scientific/philosophic idea, that led into another philosophic concept, that led to Nietzsche and to amor fati. Damn Logan, take it easy.

But I finished it! Woo-hoo! And now the last one will be dear, sweet, precious Patton with his songs full of hints and feelings. Hope you will join me for the last ride.

Until then, stay safe and take care <3

_______________________________

PS. If someone wants to be added to the taglists, just ask and I’ll add you :)

TAGLIST:

@willpowerwisps @royalprinceroman @reesiereads @mudpuddlenl @shelby-711 @allmycrushesaredead @aquatedia @sweetkirbi @whatishappeningrightnow @effortiswhatmatters @atlasistryingherbest @bella-in-a-bag @doydoune @miasheer @forever-third-wheeling @mishanthropist @corndot @payte @mcang3l @geekyapollokid @kawaiipotatuh @hypnossanders @idontreallyknow24 @imcrushedbyarainbow

@riseofthewerewolf @frog-candy-bee @bosspotato01 @rosesandlove44 @methaley @sololad @firey-alex @sashootkahoot @chewy-rubies @groaaaaan @croftergamer @misty-the-girlflux-mess @thedevilseyes @arya-skywalker @csi-baker-street-babes @queen-of-all-things-snuggly

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@thatoneloudowl @grayson-22 @softangryfuckingdepressed @theotherella @boopypasta @nevenastark @varthandi @floofyconfusednerd @nothing-worth-mentioning @mikalya12 @roses-bubbles @cuter-on-the-inside @coldbookworm @orchidstanslogan @snixxxsmythe @frog-candy-bee @holleratyour-buoyancy @alexowlndra @fadingbagelbananapatrol

#sander sides #sanders sides #sanders sides theory #logan sanders #logan's playlist #playlist #ts logan #patton sanders #ts patton #roman sanders #ts roman #remus sanders #ts remus #janus sanders #ts janus #virgil sanders #ts virgil #thomas sanders #analysis

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ibijau · 4 years ago

Text

here we go, last fic of the year! It’s Lan Sizhui/Jin Ling, a/b/o, set in the same universe as Petrichor, but can be read as a stand alone :)

Someday, Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi are going to get married.

It is not something that anybody really talks about, and more an accepted fact of life. They have been friends for as long as they can remember, they are both in good position for being sect leader after Lan Xichen, they work well as a team. At fifteen, Lan Sizhui presented as an alpha. Some months later, Lan Jingyi surprised everyone by presenting as an omega, and that settled things. People around them started talking about them as an established couple in spite of their youth, because they’d never have been so close if they were not somehow fated, right?

Neither of them minds. Not really. It’s convenient for everyone after all.

“It’s not like I’m what anyone wants in an omega,” Lan Jingyi points out when, one day, Lan Sizhui asks him if he’s really okay with that. “Aside from you, I’ve never met an alpha I didn’t want to punch in the face after five minutes. Even betas I can barely stand.”

“Hanguang-Jun too?”

“Hanguang-Jun is way above everyone else, beta or alpha or anything,” Lan Jingyi protests. “I guess I could marry him, if he wanted…”

Grimacing at the thought, Lan Sizhui elbows his friend in the ribs, but that only makes him laugh.

“I’d become your new dad,” Lan Jingyi insists with starry eyes. “Would you call me dad, daddy, or father?”

Lan Sizhui rolls his eyes. He should have known that his friend wouldn’t take the conversation seriously. Still, he feels a little better about the situation. Lan Jingyi isn’t without his faults, but he isn’t one to bottle up his emotions. If he really minded that everyone assumes they’re an item, he would have jumped on the chance to say so.

That’s good enough for Lan Sizhui. He doesn’t want romance. He’s seen what he did to his father, to his uncle, leaving one branded by shame and the other broken for years. It just doesn’t feel worth the trouble. What Lan Jingyi and him have isn’t the stuff of great stories, sure, but it’s stable and it's safe. Security is far more important than something as ridiculous as love.

When Lan Sizhui is nineteen, there starts being talk of making their engagement into something formal. Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren ask them to give it serious consideration. They are both orphans, so there is no direct pressure put on them, but Lan Sizhui gets the impression that Lan Qiren at least is particularly in favour of the match. Neither of his nephews has had children, and they're unlikely to ever do, between Lan Wangji's character and Lan Xichen's delicate situation. Lan Sizhui isn't a Lan by blood, but he is well liked by juniors and elders alike. Lan Jingyi doesn't have that diplomacy, but he is a cousin to the Lan jades. If they get together, it would avoid the risk of disputes when the time comes to choose a new sect leader: they can just rule conjointly and leave it at that. Lan Xichen is less insistent than his uncle, and says it's important they choose carefully. It's clear, though, that he doesn't disagree with Lan Qiren's position.

Meanwhile, Lan Wangji doesn’t like this.

He doesn’t say so, because he wants Lan Sizhui to make his own choices in life, and he will support his son through anything as long as it is not endangering his life. Still, he radiates disapproval when Lan Sizhui reports on that conversation with his uncle and great-uncle.

Most people wouldn’t guess, but Lan Wangji is a romantic at heart.

Lan Sizhui isn’t.

Well. He tries hard not to be.

But now that this engagement business is turning into something serious, he’s a little less sure about it.

It is nice, of course, to know exactly what the future holds. There's comfort in that. Lan Sizhui likes knowing what to expect, he likes safety, he likes knowing that tomorrow will be very much like today.

And he loves Lan Jingyi of course. They’ve been friends for years, and they know each other better than anyone else. But it’s not the sort of love that makes them want to kiss and get in bed together. He’s sure of that, because they’ve tried kissing once or twice, to see how that’d feel, and it was just weird. Lan Jingyi's smell, like grass freshly cut and summer warmth, doesn't evoke any strong desire in him. That's a problem because if they get married, they’ll have to make love. And it’s not that Lan Jingyi is ugly or misshapen or anything, but the idea doesn’t sit right. All Lan Sizhui can hope for is that when they’re bonded, once his ruts and Lan Jingyi’s heats coincide, it’ll sort itself out.

(that still leaves the issue of that initial bonding, but if Lan Sizhui doesn’t think about it, then it’s not an issue)

It’s a comfort of sorts when the morning after they talked to Lan Qiren, Lan Jingyi looks as awkward about the situation as Lan Sizhui feels.

“Are we really doing this?” Lan Jingyi whispers to him, even though they’re in class and really shouldn’t be talking at all, least of all about something like that.

“If you want,” Lan Sizhui replies, his voice as low as possible to avoid attracting Lan Qiren’s attention. “We still have time to decide.”

“Yeah, right. I mean, it could be worse, right? We get along fine, we know that already.”

It is a blessing indeed. Most people in their position would just be dumped into an arranged marriage, and consider themselves lucky to not end up with someone they despise.

Still, Lan Sizhui is glad that they don’t have to give an answer right away.

When they meet Jin Ling on Dafan Mountain, Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi immediately agree that he is a bit of a spoiled brat.

It’s no surprise of course. The only heir to a sect like Lanling Jin, with also some rights over Yunmeng Jiang? It would have taken the world’s best parents to prevent that boy from being a little rotten, and as everyone knows well, Jin Ling doesn’t have parents.

In truth, Lan Sizhui feels a little sorry for him, not least of all because that boy is related to Jiang Wanyin, and Lan Sizhui pities anyone who must deal with that man on a regular basis. Only a truly awful person could be so disliked by Lan Wangji.

It’s also quickly apparent that Jin Ling is, for lack of a better term, a little awkward. He reacts to Lan Jingyi’s light teasing as if he was being insulted (in fairness, Lan Jingyi sometimes walks a fine line between the two, and he’s a little on edge after that business in Mo village) and takes himself far too seriously. He is also impossibly stubborn, and surprisingly reckless for someone so aware of his own self-importance.

“What a brat that was,” Lan Jingyi complains on the way back to Cloud Recesses. “No need to question what he’ll present as, he’s got alpha written all over his face.”

“No gossiping,” Lan Sizhui reminds him, his eyes darting toward Lan Wangji who, thankfully, pays them no mind. All his attention is on that lunatic he has decided to protect from Jiang Wanyin. “And you can’t go guessing at people’s fate like that. Sect leader Lan doesn’t look like an omega, does he? You just never know until it’s there.”

Lan Jingyi takes a moment to consider that.

“He is spoiled and prissy enough that he could be an omega,” he concedes, as if that’s the point Lan Sizhui was trying to make. “Still, I’m betting on alpha, and a very annoying one at that. I hope we never have to see him again.”

“Sect Leader Jin has no child of his own, so Jin Rulan is his heir. Of course we’re going to see him again.”

The face Lan Jingyi makes at the news is such that Lan Sizhui can’t help laughing a little too loud. Lan Wangji turns to look at him, curious more than scolding. That odd man on the donkey, Mo Xuanyu, also looks at them as if he wants to join in the fun, but dares not because of Lan Wangji keeping a close eye on him.

It’s funny, Lan Sizhui thinks. His father doesn’t usually care much about people. He likes the juniors, especially all the ones whose education he had a part in, but people he meets when they’re already adults, or people close to his age… if at all possible, Lan Wangji just ignores them. Maybe he feels sorry for Mo Xuanyu, who seems to have had a rough life? Or maybe it’s something else. Mo Xuanyu has an eccentric personality, but Lan Sizhui too can’t help feeling a certain sympathy for this very odd omega.

They meet Jin Ling again far sooner than Lan Sizhui would have expected, and if betting weren't forbidden, Lan Jingyi would have won. In the short time since they saw him, Jin Ling has presented as an alpha.

It's no surprise, of course. Although there are exceptions, people born within the main branch of a clan are almost always alphas, at least for the first few children. Aside from sect leader Lan who is an omega and sect leader Nie who is a beta, even within the smallest sects there's hardly any ruler that's not an alpha.

It does make a complicated situation a little worse. Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi and a group of juniors were on a trip to a Night Hunt when they started being led astray by dead cats and mysteries. They then met juniors from other sects, as well as Jin Ling, travelling alone, who immediately tries to be in charge. Lan Sizhui calmly puts an end to that. It's not unusual for a young alpha, especially one still getting used to changes in their body. He can't even control his smell at all, sweet and flowery with a hint of spice which Lan Jingyi complains is making him nauseous.

It's all normal, of course. Lan Sizhui too had a brief phase where he tested everyone's patience. So for Jin Ling who is already hot-headed and proud…

To make it worse, Lan Jingyi won't stop arguing with Jin Ling. They can't go five minutes without getting into a fight of some sort. They snap at each other about the road to take, the inn to stay at, how loud Jin Ling's dog barks, Mo Xuanyu's donkey, whether to warn their respective sects or not… If a disagreement can be had, they will have it.

At first, Lan Sizhui tries to intervene. Someone has to make sure that these two don't throttle each other. He knows that Lan Jingyi is no delicate flower and can take anyone in a fight, but he still has a responsibility as the oldest alpha present, so he gently puts Jin Ling in his place when needed. Surprisingly, Jin Ling usually backs off pretty easily once Lan Sizhui gets involved in a dispute. Lan Sizhui really expected that they would come to blows at least once. That too would be normal, especially since Jin Ling is obviously aching for a chance to prove himself, but it never happens.

After a few days, Lan Sizhui doesn't bother stopping the fights anymore. Jin Ling shouts a lot and plays tough, but he never displays any sign of real aggression towards anyone. If anything he seems to have fun when Lan Jingyi and him argue with each other, and the opposite is just as true.

Maybe that's just how Jin Ling plays, Lan Sizhui figures. He really is a very awkward boy after all. Already back on Dafan Mountain he was so brash and haughty with everyone. He was also alone back then, with only his uncle and other adults around him. Now too, he is the only one who doesn't have anyone from his clan with him. He has his dog, sure, but that's not the same.

"Be nice to him," Lan Sizhui tells Lan Jingyi after yet another dispute, one where he had to intervene for the first time in a while. "I don't think he has a lot of friends."

"You bet he doesn't. He treated Ouyang Zizhen like dirt just because he's a beta! Who'd want to be friends with someone like that? He could be tolerable if he just stopped acting like such a little mistress, but I guess that's too much to ask. Between the two of us, you wouldn't think I'm the omega."

It's a little unkind to both boys, but part of Sizhui almost agrees. Lan Jingyi has never really behaved the way people expect an omega to do, and as for Jin Ling… with his pretty, boyish face, his elegant flowery smell, and the way he always backs off the instant Lan Sizhui gets involved in a fight, he could somewhat feel like an omega.

Except he only behaves like that with Lan Sizhui. With everyone else, he pushes for dominance as much as he can, and he's so stubborn, from a sect so powerful, that even older alphas in their group have started bowing to him.

It's weird, really. Lan Sizhui doesn't know what to make of it.

"He'll never learn to play nice if you don't show him how," Lan Sizhui says after some thought. "Don't think I haven't noticed you're the one starting half those fights. If you don't like him, just stay away. It's wrong to pick fights without reasons."

Lan Jingyi shrugs, which is against the rules because it is insolent.

“He likes it when I bother him,” Lan Jingyi boldly accuses. “Being half raised by someone like Jiang Cheng…”

“Jiang Wanyin.”

“Raised by someone like Jiang Wanyin in a place like Lotus Piers, that little mistress must think shouting at people is how you behave around others. Don’t you remember how his uncle was on Dafan mountain? Scolding him and telling him to succeed at his hunt or die trying, and then coming to save him at the first sign of trouble… no wonder the little mistress is so annoying, he learned from the best.”

That had struck Lan Sizhui as well, mostly because of the risks Jin Ling had been willing to take after being shouted at. As if he really feared that his uncle wouldn’t let him come home again if he couldn’t kill the monster. He can’t imagine being uncertain of his family’s love like that. Lan Wangji, Lan Xichen, and even Lan Qiren would never, ever threaten Lan Sizhui in such a manner, and even if they did he would know better than to take the words literally.

He really feels sorry for that boy.

“Just try to be nicer,” he insists. “Teach by example. He’ll be sect leader someday, we really shouldn’t be antagonising him this way.”

The sect leader argument works. It usually does. Lan Jingyi promises to make an effort.

There’s no argument until early afternoon the next day and in fairness to Lan Jingyi, that does count as progress.

Yi-City is not a fun place, not by far. There’s thick billowing fog, there’s fierce corpses, half their group gets poisoned, Mo Xuanyu tricks them into eating the worst food they’ve ever tasted by calling it a cure… Lan Sizhui isn’t one to complain (it is against the rules) but he comes very, very close a few times.

When it’s over, he tells himself that it’s a great learning experience. Mo Xuanyu is eccentric, but definitely not mad, and he knows far more about fighting evil than anyone Lan Sizhui has ever met, except maybe Lan Wangji. He is a little… brusque with them, pushing around the group of juniors and clearly delighting in scaring them a little if he feels it’s good for their education. But he is kind as well. He’s trying to hide it, but there’s a certain gentleness in the way Mo Xuanyu behaves around Jin Ling that he doesn’t really have with the rest of them.

To Lan Sizhui’s surprise, the reverse is equally true. Jin Ling grumbles and complains and stomps his foot, but he seems to like Mo Xuanyu and tries to help him whenever the chance arises. Seeing these two interact makes something go a little soft in Lan Sizhui’s chest.

It’s nice when family can reconnect.

After everything that happened in Yi City, Lan Wangji allows them a little celebration. They get to burn colourful paper money and to organise a little party of sorts at an inn, without any adult supervision, too. Lan Wangji and Mo Xuanyu have retired for the night, presumably to discuss everything that has happened and decide on their next move. Lan Sizhui half wishes he could be involved in that conversation, but that’s mostly because he knows he’s supposed to want to be serious and grown up. In truth, being down here in the dining room with the others is a lot more fun.

While all the other juniors mingle together, Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui find themselves at a table a little away from the rest, in the company of Ouyang Zizhen and Jin Ling.

“We’re all future Sect Leaders, so it makes sense to sit together, right?” Ouyang Zizhen explains, boldly glossing over the fact that his sect is nowhere near the size of theirs. “And from here, we’ve got a good view of the entire room, so we can make sure that nobody misbehaves.”

“I never realised you were so serious,” Lan Jingyi sneers. “Senior Mo complimented you once, so now you want to be praised by him again?”

“You’re just jealous,” Ouyang Zizhen retorts with a grin. “Who is that man, anyway? He’s not dressed like any sect I know, but for Hanguang-Jun to respect him like this…”

“He’s just some crazy loon,” Lan Jingyi claims. “We met him a while back.”

Then, since Ouyang Zizhen expresses interest, Lan Jingyi starts telling him the whole story of their encounter with Mo Xuanyu. Lan Sizhui, who was there, allows himself to check out from the conversation and eats a little. He is startled when after a few moments, someone drops mushrooms in his bowl.

"Don't like those," Jin Ling huffs. "And you ate yours first."

"They're my favourite," Lan Sizhui admits, a little embarrassed at being caught like that. Being a picky eater and indulging in preferences is frowned upon, but he is only human.

"Can't see why," Jin Ling mutters. "They're slimy and disgusting. Do you want the rest of mine as well?"

It's a testament to how engrossed he is in his conversation with Ouyang Zizhen that Lan Jingyi doesn't pick up on that extremely rude offer. Lan Sizhui almost wants to remark on Jin Ling's manners, but decides against it and just nods. It's obvious the other boy is trying to be nice, and that must be encouraged.

After the mushrooms are unceremoniously dumped in Lan Sizhui's bowl, Jin Ling insistently stares at him while he eats. He looks angry, but Lan Sizhui has figured by now that's just his normal face.

“Earlier… you fought decently,” Jin Ling suddenly says, in a tone that makes it sound like it hurts him to say even that weak of a compliment.

“You did well yourself,” Lan Sizhui replies far more earnestly. Lan Wangji has taught him the importance of encouraging good behaviours rather than to just punish bad ones, and Jin Ling is definitely making an effort here. Besides, he did fight surprisingly well, considering his age. “I hope we can go on more Night Hunts together. Although perhaps next time, let’s go somewhere a little less dangerous, at least until we’re experienced enough.”

Jin Ling's face does something funny, like he's happy and angry at the same time. It's kind of cute, if Lan Sizhui is honest.

"Oh we should all four go Night Hunting together!" Ouyang Zizhen exclaims. "We're friends now, right?"

"That sounds right," Lan Sizhui quickly agrees before Jin Ling has a chance to say something rude. "I know I'd love to spend more time with the two of you. Hopefully next time, we won't be put in mortal danger."

Lan Jingyi laughs at that, but more importantly Jin Ling begrudgingly admits that he too wouldn't be against another inter-sect Night Hunt, even though he looked ready to protest when it was Ouyang Zizhen offering it. It seems he really respects Lan Sizhui's authority as an older alpha though, and that's extremely flattering.

The next time they see each other they are, in fact, in mortal danger again.

It bothers Lan Sizhui less than it should, but only because there's something odd about this cave they're trapped in. Some of the other juniors trapped with them say this is the Burial Mounds, but that's… There's such an air of familiarity to this place, and yet Lan Sizhui knows he's never come here before. Unlike some others in his generation, Lan Wangji has never been one to go on grimly triumphant pilgrimages to those places where the cultivation world rose as one against evil. Lan Sizhui has never seen Yiling, nor even Nightless City.

Still, this cave… it shouldn’t be so bare, nor so silent. There is a wrongness to that silence. Lan Sizhui cannot explain why, but he feels like this place should have more life to it.

He cannot explain either why it seems so right to see Mo Xuanyu… ah, no, Wei wuxian step inside, followed by his Ghost General and Lan Wangji. Something falls in place inside Lan Sizhui’s soul, a certain sensation that things are as they should be. Seeing these three together, in this place… Lan Sizhui half wants to cry, and he can’t explain why.

That unbidden and unexplained surge of emotions must be why he eventually snaps at one of Jin Ling’s cousins. Lan Sizhui feels a little guilty over it, although in fairness, that boy deserves his anger. He insulted Hanguang-Jun, which was unacceptable, and Wei Wuxian which… for some reason was equally unpleasant. And for the entire time they’d been there, Jin Chan had been irritating, somehow unable to say two words without finding a reason to be mean to everyone around him, especially to Jin Ling.

Of course Lan Sizhui lost patience. He doesn’t like when people are cruel to his friends.

That protectiveness becomes a problem a few hours later.

So much has happened in a short span of time, they’ve been rescued, they’ve been attacked, there have been accusations and betrayal, there’s been…

Lan Sizhui feels sick to his bones when the bloodied corpses of dead Wens emerge from a bloody pond to protect Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning, but not in the way he thinks he’s supposed to feel sick. His chest aches looking at those horrifying shapes, and if Lan Jingyi hadn’t stopped him, he would have walked to them because if he could just see their face, if he could take their hands… but he doesn’t get the chance, and they crumble into dust before he can figure out why those dead people felt like they were his, just like Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian do.

Lan Sizhui is still confused when they get down the mountain to climb onto some boats, and exhausted as well. So when Jin Ling starts acting up about Wen Ning, shouting and letting his flowery smell invade the space around him, Lan Sizhui doesn’t react as gracefully as he might have otherwise.

He hates seeing anyone being cruel to Wen Ning who he knows, with the greatest certainty, is a kind soul who only ever means to care for those he loves. Lan Sizhui can’t help wanting to shield him from those who would harm him, because someone has to, and auntie isn’t here to do it anymore.

At the same time, Jin Ling’s pain hurts as well. There’s something unbearable about seeing him break into tears, about the betrayed looks he shoots at Lan Sizhui for daring to side with his father’s murderer.

They’d been getting along so well, they’d made such a great team fighting those fierce corpses earlier, but now it’s all gone. Lan Sizhui wonders if Jin Ling will ever forgive him for standing at the Ghost General’s side, and nearly wants to cry as well when he realises the answer is probably going to be no. He wants to reach out to Jin Ling and explain he doesn’t mean to hurt him, that they can still be friends, that he just can’t let Wen Ning be hurt again.

Before Lan Sizhui can move, Jiang Cheng calls his nephew from another boat, and demands Jin Ling join him. The order is promptly obeyed, Jin Ling turning away without so much as a last look at Lan Sizhui.

Lan Sizhui sits down, and tells himself if his heart and head hurt so bad, it’s only out of exhaustion.

When everything is over, when Jin Guangyao is dead, Lan Sizhui gets to hug the man he once thought of as his father when he was really little, and to see him stand happy at the side of the other man who raised him. Things have been an awful mess, but Lan Sizhui is so happy for both of them.

Nobody deserves happiness more than Lan Wangji, and even though they don’t know each other too well, Lan Sizhui really likes Wei Wuxian a lot.

Leaving those two to explore what the future can bring them, Lan Sizhui instead takes a trip to the past as he decides to accompany Wen Ning.

First of all, they go to the Burial Mounds once again, this time to gather the ashes of their family. Their people, who paid the price of being on the wrong side of a war they didn’t even want. Lan Sizhui still doesn’t really remember much, but he likes hearing Wen Ning telling him stories about them. It makes him feel a little more complete, even though he never particularly felt like anything was missing from his life until that day in Mo manor.

After giving their relatives a proper burial, they head toward Nightless City, or what’s left of it anyway. Here too, Wen Ning has stories to tell, some of which are happier than Lan Sizhui would have expected. It feels wrong to hear that Wen Ruohan wasn’t always a monster, that he was also a man who loved his sons and played with them when they were children. Lan Sizhui was never taught to fear and hate the Yiling Patriarch as much as others of his generation, but he’s heard plenty about the horror committed by Wen Ruohan and struggles to accept that he, too, was only a man after all.

He wonders if that is how Jin Ling feels about Wen Ning.

In fact, Lan Sizhui thinks a lot about Jin Ling as the weeks pass. Whatever judgement he ever felt for the younger alpha regarding his attitude to Wen Ning has melted away now, replaced by deep sympathy. Jin Ling is only fourteen, and Wen Ning did kill his father, so it’s normal that he would feel so angry. Some things cannot be forgiven. And now that Lan Sizhui is a Wen too, he figures that there’s no friendship possible between them, not after how much sorry his family has caused Jin Ling’s.

For some reason, Lan Sizhui realises he is truly upset about this. He had really been looking forward to knowing Jin Ling better, because while Lan Jingyi is an amazing friend, he’s still not an alpha, and there are things he doesn’t understand. Lan Jingyi now has Ouyang Zizhen to chat with, who as a beta is in a good position to lend an ear, but Lan Sizhui doesn’t really have any close alphas in his life.

He really wanted to be close to Jin Ling.

It won’t happen now.

It’s fine.

At least now, he has a family.

Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui have just finished a Night Hunt far into what was once Wen territory when news from the Cloud Recesses reach them. They learn that Lan Xichen, a little while after the events that unfolded in Yunping City, entered seclusion. They learn also that Lan Wangji has married Wei Wuxian, who is rumoured to be with child. Without even needing to talk about it, they immediately start heading back toward Gusu. Lan Sizhui has always thought it would be nice to have a sibling, and now that wish is about to be granted.

By the time they get to the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian is very, very round and very, very upset that he’s being restricted left and right. He’s not allowed a number of his favourite foods, he’s not allowed to experiment with talismans, or to run around, or even to read for too long.

“It is the worst,” Wei Wuxian whines from his bed, surrounded by pillows, nibbling on some snacks that Lan Wangji brought him when he served tea for all of them. “I have never suffered so much in my life. Sizhui, if you marry an omega, you’re forbidden from knocking them up, it is just too awful.”

Lan Sizhui almost snorts in his tea. He glances at Lan Wangji who is watching Wei Wuxian with open adoration, at least for who knows how to read his expressions.

It makes his heart ache that he will probably never know that sort of love. After all, he’s still half engaged to Lan Jingyi as far as he knows. And aside from his best friend, who’d want to marry him? He isn’t sure if he’s still allowed to be part of Gusu Lan. He isn’t sure he still wants to be part of it, now that he knows the truth… and it’s always a little hard for an alpha without resources to marry. Jingyi would, of course, because he’s loyal like that, but Lan Sizhui feels he should insist on dropping whatever understanding existed between them. It would be kinder.

Luckily, when Lan Jingyi comes to see him that evening, he is of a similar opinion.

As the two of them walk toward the rabbits’ clearing to feed them and chat alone, Lan Jingyi starts explaining, very awkwardly, that he won’t be able to marry Lan Sizhui after all.

“It’s Zizhen, you see,” he mumbles when they reach the clearing, his entire face red. “We’ve gone on a few Night Hunts after you left, and we get along really well, and… well, Lan Qiren isn’t too happy about it because he was still hoping on me being Zewu-Jun’s heir rather than Hanguang-Jun’s child, but of course Zizhen is going to inherit his father’s sect someday, it’s so messy when two sect leaders are married! He was still trying to push for that, but then that thing with sect leader Nie and Zewu-Jun happened, and Lan Qiren is seeing what a mess that is, so he’s warming up to the idea of me marrying into Baling Ouyang.”

Kneeling down to hand some cabbage to a particularly bold rabbit, Lan Sizhui shoots his friend a curious look.

“What about Zewu-Jun and sect leader Nie?”

“Oh, right, you wouldn’t have heard!” Lan Jingyi exclaims, startling the poor rabbit and making it run. He sits down next to Lan Sizhui, and grins. “Listen, gossip’s forbidden and all that, but… you’ve heard that Zewu-Jun was marked in his youth, and nobody knows who the alpha is, right? Well, listen to that!”

That, it turns out, is a convoluted tale of romance, deception, and betrayal that spanned over a decade and recently culminated into the recent engagement of Lan Xichen to Nie Huaisang, much to the bafflement of the entire cultivation world.

Lan Sizhui is happy for his uncle, of course. He’s always tried to ignore gossip, but it’s never been possible to avoid all of it, and even within the Cloud Recesses there have always been those who judged their sect leader for that youthful mistake. It’s a little odd to think that the great Zewu-Jun would settle for the Headshaker, but Lan Jingyi swears that Lan Xichen looks more at peace than he had in many years, and so does Lan Sizhui himself when he gets to see his uncle a few days later.

Lan Sizhui is happy, sharing the joy of all these people he loves and who are finding the happiness they want. Even Lan Qiren is probably less angry than he pretends to be. He loves his nephews after all, and he’s always wanted their happiness.

Lan Sizhui is happy, and tries not to feel left out, tries not to resent the fact that while everyone has found happiness in the past year, all he’s gotten is people to mourn, and a fear that he could be killed if anyone found out who he really is.

“I guess we’re going to have a lot of weddings coming,” Lan Sizhui notes, swallowing whatever bitterness he isn’t allowed to feel, choosing instead to grab one of the rabbits and pet it. “I wonder who’s next… do you know if Jin Ling has met any nice omega?”

The idea, for some reasons, makes his heart clench so tight that it nearly makes him sick. Only because then, he’d really be the only one left out, Lan Sizhui figures.

It’s a relief when Lan Jingyi laughs and shakes his head.

“That little mistress? No omega could put up with him!” he mocks. “He is so annoying and stuck up and… but at least, he’s been nice about me and Zizhen. Supportive even! He said if Zizhen’s dad and old man Lan Qiren keep being old farts about this, we can run off to Carp Tower, he’ll take us into Lanling Jin and let us marry. Not that I’d ever want to be a Jin,” Lan Jingyi sniffs disdainfully, “but I appreciate the intention I guess.”

Lan Sizhui lowers his head to hide a smile. Jin Ling isn’t without faults, but at heart he really is a good person, and a good alpha. It really is a shame that there is so much history between their families, because Lan Sizhui really would have liked to…

“He’s been asking about you a lot, you know,” Lan Jingyi remarks, which startles Lan Sizhui.

“Who has?”

“The little mistress of course. We’ve been on a couple Night Hunts with him, and every time he’s asking where you’ve gone, and when you’ll be back, and why you left without saying anything… He really won’t shut up about you. You should write to him and let him know you’re fine, just so he’ll stop pestering me.”

Lan Sizhui’s hand stills in the rabbit's fur, his heart racing in his chest, his face heating up. He can’t figure out why Jin Ling would miss him, they didn’t really get the chance to get close after all, but the idea is… pleasant. Lan Sizhui himself has certainly thought a lot about Jin Ling while he was travelling with Wen Ning. Mostly to mourn this friendship that never had a chance to bloom, but also just because sometimes they passed by a pretty landscape that he wishes he could have shown to the other alpha, or they fought a creature against which Jin Ling’s skill with a bow would have helped, or they passed by some fragrant peonies in bloom, or just because it would have been funny to hear him complain about this and that.

Lan Sizhui wants, very badly, to write to Jin Ling, to see him even. He knows, also, that it would be a bad idea.

If he tells Jin Ling about who he is, and his link to Wen Ning, then he is endangering himself, and risking the good reputation of Lan Wangji who saved him and hid him for years. If he doesn’t tell Jin Ling anything, then it’s a form of deception, since he knows the other alpha would never want his friendship if he knew the truth.

It’s safer, then, to simply stay away.

Still, Lan Sizhui enjoys being missed, more than he probably should.

Lan Sizhui never realised how sad his uncle was, until he went into his room in a Qinghe inn alongside Lan Wangji to help him get ready on the morning of his wedding. It is no secret that the road has been somewhat bumpy for Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang, that even to this day they have their disagreements, but it is just as clear that Lan Xichen is the happiest he's ever been, on that warm morning of late summer.

Lan Sizhui wonders what it feels like to marry, and for love, too, not just for politics.

For some reason, his mind immediately wanders to Jin Ling. He's still young of course, and his position is too fragile, but someday he'll marry someone, a pretty little omega from a good family. And then, Lan Sizhui will be the only one of their little group to remain single, since Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen have finally obtained the engagement they wanted. They're hoping to marry next spring, if all goes well.

There's no shame in being single, of course, especially for an alpha, but the more Lan Sizhui realises he's unlikely to marry, the sadder he gets. It would be nice to Night Hunt with another person, to find his equal, his perfect match like his fathers did. Someone strong and determined but still kind, someone like…

"I wish I didn't have to bother with that veil," Lan Xichen sighs, eyeing the fabric that Lan Sizhui is holding in clenched fists. "It's ridiculous. He knows what I look like."

"It is traditional," Lan Wangji retorts.

"Did you make Wei Wuxian wear one then?"

Lan Wangji smirks, ever so slightly. "Eloping has advantages."

Lan Xichen freezes, blinking a few times. Like almost all of them, he is still a little upset that his brother married in secret. Still, soon enough he is laughing, and turns to look at Lan Sizhui.

"Some example we are giving you," Lan Xichen remarks, taking the veil from his nephew. "I hope you will be more serious than us when your time comes."

"But father and uncle are very happy," Lan Sizhui notes, allowing himself a moment of insolence on this joyous day. "Surely it gives the impression that breaking rules and ignoring traditions is rather rewarding."

Lan Xichen laughs again as he pins the veil in place, and even Lan Wangji can't help a slight huff, his eyes smiling proudly at his son.

"I suppose we make bad cases for obedience," Lan Xichen admits. "Not all rules are worth following. And you are a clever young man, so I'm sure the path you'll choose will be a righteous one, and that you'll find a partner worthy of you."

Lan Sizhui nods. His thoughts, again, go to Jin Ling. Hopefully he too will find a good person. After so much tragedy in his life, he deserves to have someone in his life who will stick with him and be loyal and honest. That’s the very least Jin Ling deserves.

His veil in place but not yet lowered, Lan Xichen stands, smoothing non-existent creases in his robes, making sure that everything is perfect. He looks nervous, as any spouse-to-be can be expected to be.

Mostly though, he looks happy, and there is no hesitation in his steps when he heads out of the room to go meet his groom.

Nie Huaisang is a lucky man who’d better not mess this up.

The banquet offered by Qinghe Nie to the wedding’s guests is nothing short of magnificent. Whatever faults he has, Nie Huaisang is a good host, who knows how to please people. There are many dishes, fit for every taste, and over half of those are suitable for vegetarians. Lan Sizhui, however, finds himself without much appetite on this happy day.

He really is never going to be Lan sect leader now. Not when he knows who he truly is, not when his father has a daughter of his own blood who is probably only the first of many, not when his uncle too might now have children. It’s a relief, because Lan Sizhui isn’t sure he ever wanted that responsibility in the first place, no more than he would have wanted to marry Lan Jingyi, if he’s honest. But it drives home once more the fact that he doesn’t know what the future holds for him anymore, and that is a little scary.

Without meaning to, Lan Sizhui’s eyes start to wander toward the Jin guests, and rest on their young sect leader. It is the first time Lan Sizhui sees him in over a year, since that day in Yunping City. He looks taller, and a good deal less like a child, but that’s no surprise with everything that has changed for him. Jin Ling seems to be growing into a serious young man. A handsome one as well, but that’s hardly a surprise, the Jins usually have their good looks going for them, even if their personalities can be lacking… though Jin Ling has both a good face and a good heart, of course.

Lan Sizhui must have stared too long, because after a while, Jin Ling notices, looks in his direction, and smiles. It makes Lan Sizhui’s heart beat a little faster, until he remembers that there can be no friendship between them, not unless he lies.

In this too his life has changed.

His mood taking a sour turn, Lan Sizhui excuses himself to Lan Jingyi, leaves his seat abruptly, and goes for a walk. Hopefully, the Nies won't mind too much that he is wandering a bit. If anyone asks, he'll say he is looking for the garden his uncle mentioned after some of his visits.

No one asks.

Lan Sizhui might as well be a ghost.

He feels a bit like one, tied to a past tragedy that now defines him. The lone survivor of a sect that should be extinct, forced to decide if he should follow the teaching of the family that raised him, or try to find again those of a family he cannot remember. Either way, it would feel like betraying someone.

Just as Lan Sizhui finally finds that garden, he hears footsteps running after him. Before he even turns to look, he knows by the flowery smell that reaches him who decided to follow him.

“Lan Sizhui!” Jin Ling shouts as he gets closer. “Are you avoiding me?”

Lan Sizhui winces, unsure how to answer that without insulting or lying. He has been avoiding Jin Ling, but it would be unwise to admit it.

“It’s been ages!” Jin Ling insists, unbothered by the lack of reply. “And I know you know that you’re invited to come to Carp Tower whenever you like, because I told Jingyi to tell you, and he said that he told you!”

Lan Sizhui can’t fully repress a small smile. Lan Jingyi has, indeed, passed that invitation on to him. Lan Sizhui has assumed he was invited only out of politeness, to avoid offending another alpha due to the friendship Jin Ling has developed with the omega Lan Sizhui was once half expected to marry. It can’t have been anything more. Like Jin Ling says, it’s been a long time since they met.

“I am very sorry,” Lan Sizhui says, which is nothing but the truth. “I have been busy.”

He hesitates to say more than that. Considering Jin Ling’s distaste for Wen Ning, it is probably better not to mention him. It is a happy day, Lan Sizhui doesn’t want to ruin it.

Jin Ling, unimpressed, shrugs and steps closer. It is hard to ignore that he’s taller than Lan Sizhui now, his shoulders broader. Jin Ling is everything that an alpha ought to be, and Lan Sizhui almost envies whoever will get to be his omega.

“I know you’ve been busy,” Jin Ling retorts, crossing his arms on his chest, looking a little like the haughty boy he was when they first met. “Travelling places with the Ghost General and all that… but you’ve been back to Gusu for a few months, would it have been so hard to come say hi?”

“That’s…”

“You can even take Wen Ning with you if you want, I don’t care,” Jin Ling adds, rolling his eyes as if he can’t believe he has to spell it out. “I don’t hate him as much as I used to, and Lan Jingyi says he’s actually good company. Plus he’s related to you, isn’t he? So of course I want to learn to tolerate him better.”

Lan Sizhui gasps softly, his blood turning to ice at the thought that anyone might have guessed already. Of course he knew that people would talk after hearing that he travelled with Wen Ning, but somehow he’d hoped that nobody would realise why he was doing that, not yet, not so soon.

Jin Ling, again, rolls his eyes.

“Right, it’s supposed to be a secret I guess?” he snorts. “Well, I’m not a complete idiot, thanks. I can see that you look a bit like him, and my uncle told me more about when Wei Wuxian was living in the Burial Mounds, since I asked. He says there was a child there, and then I just had to do some math and… well, I’m right, aren’t I?”

“You’re right,” Lan Sizhui confirms, terrified and elated at once that he doesn’t need to keep that secret from Jin Ling. “You seem to be taking this rather well.”

Jin Ling shrugs, a touch of red colouring his cheeks.

“I’ve had time to get used to the idea,” he grumbles. “I was pretty pissed off at first when I realised, but then I figured it doesn’t change things that much. You’re still you, and I still want to be close to you, the rest doesn’t matter.”

Hearing this, Lan Sizhui’s face heats up.

“I’d like that as well,” he admits with a shy smile. “I thought you wouldn’t want for us to be friends if you knew, so this is a relief.”

“Of course I’d want to be friends anyway!” Jin Ling exclaims. “I don’t care if you’re a Wen, or a Lan, or whatever! You’re Sizhui, and I want us to be close, I don’t care about the rest!”

Lan Sizhui’s blush deepens, and he looks away, trying to contain a nervous laughter.

“Jin Ling, I’d have thought being a sect leader would have taught you to be more careful about what you say,” he teases. “You’re lucky we’re both alphas, or else your words might be misunderstood as something else.”

Jin Ling’s entire face turns so red the cinnabar dot on his forehead nearly disappears. It’s… it’s cute. It’s really cute, and Lan Sizhui knows he shouldn’t think of another alpha as being adorable, but he can’t help it.

“There’s nothing to misunderstand!” Jin Ling blurts out, fists clenched on either side of his body.

“Of course,” Lan Sizhui sighs, a little too amused that Jin Ling is still the same, even if he’s grown up. “I was just…”

“There’s nothing to misunderstand because that’s exactly the way I mean it!” Jin Ling cuts him, grabbing one of his hands and squeezing it just a little too tight. “I like you a lot, Lan Sizhui! And I don’t care that you’re a Wen, or that you’re an alpha, I still like you like that, so deal with it!”

Lan Sizhui gapes at the other alpha, stunned by those words he would never have expected.

If it were anyone else, he’d think of a joke. Or else, he’d think that this is just a younger alpha who admires an older one a little too much, as can happen. It’s not unheard of just after presenting, and it usually goes away quickly. In fact, if Jin Ling had said this back in Yi City, Lan Sizhui would have dismissed it as just a passing crush. But they haven’t seen each other in so long that Jin Ling should have grown out of that phase already. Beside, he looks and sounds dreadfully sure of himself.

And Lan Sizhui, who has never really given much thought to those few omega who tried to flirt with him, finds his heart racing in his chest at the idea that Jin Ling might like him.

“Jin Ling, that’s…”

“Don’t say anything!” Jin Ling orders, squeezing his hand harder. “You don’t get to say anything until you’ve really thought about it, and then you’ll have to come visit me in Carp Tower if you want to talk about it! But I mean this, so don’t treat me as a kid, and give it real thought. I’m serious about this, and if you don’t like me back yet, then I’ll just have to convince you!”

There won’t be much convincing needed, Lan Sizhui suspects, his eyes falling to their joined hands. He’s never thought of Jin Ling in that light before, but only because his whole life used to be so neatly mapped out for him.

Suddenly, that sense of uncertainty he’s been feeling since he understood where he comes from isn’t so scary anymore. The Lan Sizhui of before, half engaged to his best friend, half expected to become sect leader, could never have allowed himself to even think about Jin Ling in that light. The person he is now can, and he certainly will.

He’s already been thinking about Jin Ling more than he should, anyway.

“I’ll come to Carp Tower soon,” Lan Sizhui promises, carefully moving his hand to thread their fingers together.

He likes the hopeful way Jin Ling stares at him, his tone and gesture already betraying what his answer will be.

Lan Sizhui grins.

The future, once more, feels like something to look forward to.

#lingzhui #zhuiling #lan sizhui #jin ling #lan jingyi #mdzs #jau writes #does the world need more lan sizhui angst regarding his complicated familial situation? not really but have it anyway :)

135 notes · View notes

sevlgi · 5 years ago

Text

patient

requested: yes

group: mamamoo

pairing: hwasa x fem!reader

genre: fluff

contents: tattoo artist!hwasa, flustered!reader [15/33]

warnings: none

synopsis: It’s hard for you to be patient about your next tattoo session when your artist is so damn gorgeous.

a/n: um??? I love tattoo aus???? also don’t come at me for the name, I’m not creative

word count: 1.9k

“Elegant Chaos.”

You test the name out on your tongue, staring up at the slightly grimy neon sign of the shop. The entire front is one-way glass, so all you can see is your own reflection and the ones of the people bustling around you.

Before you can make up a decision to open the door to the store or not, someone else does; a pretty brunette woman steps out and smiles at you, crazy beautiful with full lips and crescent-eyes. “Hi. Can I help you?”

“Uh, yeah.” You show her the printed-out address your friend sent you and step a bit closer. “Is this a tattoo shop? I searched the address up but nothing resulted, I was referred by a friend.”

She barely takes a glance at the address before flashing another bright grin. “Oh, yep! This is our tattoo shop, we opened a couple months ago. It’s weird that we’re still not showing up, but oh, well. Want to come in?”

You barely register her quick words but step into the shop after her, the smell of rubbing alcohol, paper, and perfume vaguely stinging your nose. “I’m Solar, the receptionist,” she introduces, walking behind what you presume to be her desk. Out front, some teenagers talk quietly, a tall, dark-haired boy with a sleeve sipping at a banana milk.

“Cool. Uh, I’m Y/N. I don’t have an appointment, is that okay?”

Solar nods, tapping at her phone. “Sure. Jungkook over there is just waiting for Byul to finish her other client, and Wheein is prepping to pierce the kids. Hwasa’s our best artist, anyway, does that sound good?”

Her question startles you from staring at the intricate sketches taped all over the walls, the same 3 signatures stamped everywhere. “What?”

She laughs, though it’s not rude. “We have one artist left, Hwasa, but since you’re referred, you probably don’t have someone in mind, right? You can go to see her now, she’s free.”

“Great. Do I just...?” At Solar’s nod, you walk past her and into the back. The studio’s quite small, to be honest; there are 4 stations, two of them occupied. One of them, who you guess is Byul, is tattooing an elderly man, her sleeves rolled up to reveal the art on her bicep.

The second, probably Wheein, is wiping down her tools, and she’s the first to notice you. “Hi!” she grins, turning the music blasting from the radio down with her ungloved hand. “Can I help you?”

“Yeah. Solar mentioned that I should come find Hwasa,” you explain, eyes widening at the complicated art being tattooed on the elderly man. “Are you...?”

“No, I’m Wheein.” Ah, so you were right. “This is Byul, she’s a bit preoccupied,” Wheein smiles, dimples poking into her cheeks. “I’ll get Hye- sorry, Hwasa for you.”

She hurries out to the back, and you can hear talking through the open door, before she comes back, the woman you presume to be Hwasa behind her.

Instantly, you’re starstruck; she’s stunning in a way that’s completely unique, long dark hair and tanned skin contrasting beautifully. The only makeup she wears is a bold red lipstick, her tank top showing the delicate tattoos she has. “Hey, I’m Hwasa,” she greets, sticking her hand out. Her nails are long, too.

“Y/N.” You accept the handshake, trying not to stare. “Uh, Solar said you were free for a consultation?”

“Yeah.” She sits at one of the free stations, clearing the things scattered on the table. “So, what’re you looking for? Do you already have a design chosen or am I freehanding?”

You fumble in your bag for a piece of paper, sliding it over to Hwasa. “Um, this is just something my friend drew up for me. I want it pretty small, on my forearm.”

The dark-haired woman shrugs, unfolding the paper. “I could do that. Is this your first tattoo?”

Nodding, you watch as Hwasa taps her long, red-painted nails on the desk. “Okay. Is this part of a sleeve or by itself?”

“Uh, how long would each one take?” To be honest, you have no idea why you said that; you didn’t consider a sleeve at all, though you considered multiple tattoos or a large one. There’s just something about the other woman that makes it impossible for you to think.

She considers the question before answering, “Depends on the size and how many small ones you want to work in for the sleeve, but I’d recommend a separate session for each small square, so maybe 8 or 10. I’ll be done with this in less than 30 minutes, though, if it’s just the one.”

To be honest, the only thing causing you to consider a sleeve is getting to see Hwasa again, and you curse your own attraction to her when you blurt, “Maybe a sleeve? I have to think about the other ones I want to work in, though.”

“Okay. I can just do the one today, and we can schedule another day for you to come in and design the whole thing,” she offers, picking the sketch up. “I’ll go make this into a stencil, then.”

“Sure.”

When she takes the sketch and walks to the back room, you slump down in the chair and pivot to look at the others. You quickly realize how long you were talking with Hwasa; Byul is already working on the coconut-haired boy, and Wheein is already done with the teenagers.

She seems to be the outgoing type, and waves at you while sanitizing her needles and packing her kit up again. “So, how did it go? Are you going to start today?”

“I am, yep. You’re already done with the kids?”

Wheein nods, placing the studs back into their cases. “Yep. They just wanted more lobe piercings, it’s really easy. I’m a tattoo artist, too, but I think the kids like me more. Except for Jungkook over here, they think Byul’s intimidating.”

“I’m not!” the other woman protests, hands still steady as she works on the boy. Her voice is deeper than you’d expect. “You literally call me a hamster.”

Flapping a hand, Wheein flashes you her dimples again. “So, what do you think of Hwasa?”

“Huh?” you blink, brain basically short-circuiting. “Uh, she’s a good artist? I saw some of her sketches, yours too; you’re all really talented.”

“No, no, that’s not what I mean. Wait, you’re not straight, are you?” she narrows her eyes at you, scanning you from head to toe. “Maybe my sense is broken, I didn’t peg you for a...”

“I’m not. Straight. I’m a lesbian.” Your cheeks burn to say it aloud, though nobody really reacts, not even Jungkook. “Are you?”

Wheein shrugs, “I mean, I’m attracted to women. All 4 of us are- Hyejin, Byul, Yongsun. Solar, to you. And we make sure everyone who comes in is accepting, we won’t serve bigots.”

For whatever reason, you’re almost relieved to hear that Hwasa’s also attracted to women in some sense, even though it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s attracted to you. “Oh. That’s cool.”

“Yeah. So, is it just one tattoo or a sleeve?” Her knowing smile puts you off a bit; how did she figure it out? “A lot of girls who come in here change their original idea because of Hyejin-ah. You’re obviously attracted to her, to, so it’s no surprise.”

“Is it really that obvious?” you groan, surprising yourself with how open you’re being about it. “Do you think she knows?”

“Probably,” Wheein giggles, nodding when Solar pokes her head in the studio to tell her something. “Anyway. I’ve got to go, good luck!”

She waves as she leaves, the only noise left in the studio being the quiet music and Jungkook’s quiet talking. He seems just as awkward as you are, lifting his free hand in a half wave.

You’re saved by Hwasa returning with a stencil. “Here. Does that look good?”

She’s modified the original design just the tiniest bit, making the lines a little bit darker and the shading simpler, and it looks... “Perfect.” You grin, a weight on your chest lifted by your conversation with Wheein. “Should we start?”

“Sure.” She brings you over to one of the actual tattoo stations, the seat already smelling sanitized. You can barely listen as she explains what the process will be like- cleaning, the actual tattooing, pain; you finally come to when she asks, “Are you ready?”

“I... yeah. I am.”

It’s quiet until the buzzing of the tattoo gun brings you to life, the tiniest bit of fear sour on your tongue. Hwasa looks concentrated as she peels the stencil off, not exactly reassuring, either. “So. Is there a meaning behind this?”

“Uh, not really. Are there meanings behind yours?” You gasp when the needle first touches your skin, the cold wipe taking off excess ink.

“I have some matching tattoos with Wheein,” Hwasa explains, smiling at the mention of the other girl. “Uh, one is Maria, my Christian name. Wheein has more, but all of us have some kind of meaning behind ours. It’s not bad to have no meaning, though.”

You wince as she continues with the linework, slowly getting used to the pain. “Are you and Wheein...”

She looks up, raising an eyebrow. “Together? No, we’re best friends. I haven’t been with someone in a few years.”

“What’s stopping you?”

Hwasa laughs, wiping your arm once again. “Nothing, I guess. I’m just patient enough to wait for the right person.”

“Patient. Right.”

Conversation flows smoothly, mostly light topics. You learn each other’s ages, and you’re told to call Hwasa ‘Hyejin’ instead. You learn when she got her first tattoo, and when she learned to tattoo others. The more you talk, the more drawn in you are, fascinated by her every word.

The half an hour is over far too fast. “Done,” she announces, smiling as she turns off her gun. “Take a look.”

It looks gorgeous, as expected, though Hwasa plays off your barrage of compliments. “Uh, should I pay now?”

She shrugs, placing saran wrap over your arm. “We’ll go talk with Solar about that, she’s better with pricing than I am. But it probably won’t be much.”

“What? Why?” you frown, examining the tattoo. Usually, discounts only happen when something goes wrong, or you have a coupon. You’re pretty sure neither of those things apply.

Hwasa pauses, turning to send you a small smirk. “Well, the cute ones usually pay less.”

Your heart practically stops, though you force yourself to walk to the front with her. “Besides, you’re probably coming back again soon, right?”

“Oh! Uh, yeah. I think so. When will that be? The next session, I mean.”

She frowns, tapping at the tablet Solar hands her. “You can come in as soon as you’re free to design it, if you want, but you have to wait a bit for the next session, especially if you’re doing the things close together. If you want, I can give you my number.”

At your stricken expression, Hwasa’s lips curve into a knowing smile. “So you can send me ideas, for the sleeve.”

“Ah, of course.” Your cheeks burn as you take out your cash, counting out a surprisingly small amount. “That sounds good. I guess I’ll just have to be patient, then.”

“I guess so. Call me, Y/N,” she smiles, handing your phone back with a new contact in.

Being patient is going to be so damn hard.

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painfulbass · 4 years ago

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☾ ˚⊹ ❛❛ GENERAL QUICK CROSSOVER GUIDE

So crossovers are usually difficult for a lot of people. So, because I tend to think about these things, I thought I would make this comprehensive list/guide to writing crossovers with me. This isn’t anything in concrete, but to get the ball rolling or to help make it easier for both sides to contribute to plotting. It can be hard when you don’t know the fandom.

FNF, or Friday Night Funkin’ is a rhythm based game around rap battles. The Protagonist (known as BF) is trying to prove himself and win over his Girlfriend’s (GF) Dad, and it spirals from there. Gameplay style, it is very similar to Dance Dance Revolution, and the music is a fast pasted dubstyle/chiptune soundtrack.

What a lot of people know FNF for, however is the Mods. Due to it being on Newgrounds, and the creators having it be open asset, many creators are able to make their own “weeks” for players to challenge their skills in. Ruv, and those within Mid Fight Masses, are one of those mods. You can find most of their lore scattered in the scenes of their week, or by going on their official FNF Wiki.

Now, what does this mean for crossovers? I put it under a read more, simply because this is going to be a lot. I’m going to explain crossover verses I have. How I make them, and how YOU could have your character be in the FNF verse quite easily. So go under the read more to continue reading.

☾ ˚⊹ ❛❛ RUV IN OTHER UNIVERSES

Here are some just ideas that I came up with. While not EVERY interaction will work with these, they are ideas. They’re meant to kick start ideas and inspirations. I do not consider these full verses until I’ve talked with the other mun to make sure that they are okay with it. These can easily be changed, and swapped out for different things. My main goal here is to try and keep Ruv down to his core elements while fitting into a new setting.

POKEMON- Ruv, along with Sarv run the church- which she has turned into a sanctuary and a Nursery. Much like in Canon, Sarv is supernatural, and Ruv as a run away criminal vowed his life for all eternity to protect her. With church’s going out however, the next next step would be a PokeNursery. Ruv acts as protector of the Nursery from trainers and groups alike. He usually is seen sitting on the roof, throwing pebbles at kids or passerby’s who irk him in some way. You can always find his Onix, his Low-Key Toxtricity, and his Absol around him or the nursery at all times. He does still have his strength, speed, and other abilities. The “face” he has is also a mask- an attempt to hide his identity as the wanted criminal.

OWL HOUSE- Ruv was a wanted criminal for the longest time. His magic, due to where he was born was a lot less like those around him. He could fit into the covens, but anything he did reflected back on him. Living alone, and learning to just modify himself he became a wanted criminal with a bone breaking shout. However all of those times soon came to a stop as he met the winged mistress he stays with now. Protecting her (though she is much more than capable of protecting himself) she runs one of the many sects in the area. It isn’t the best building, but it’s out of the way and he usually isn’t spotted. However, unfortunately his past comes back to haunt him. He has no choice, and begrudgingly assists the Guards to repay for his crimes. Tied to Sarv through magical bonds, he has made it clear to those in charge and to her- should something come between his duty as a guard or her, he would chose her a million times over.

DUCKTALES- Ruv is the petrified remains of the guardian of St. Sarvente. Awoken as the earth was shifted off of it’s orbit and forced into something it’s not, the callous guard is in search of the one he calls Sarvente, whom he claims is the Ruler of Souls and the one he Vowed to Protect. He is, 100% made of stone.

TOONTOWN- Stickfigures aren’t uncommon drawings. One’s as complicated as he and Sarv though usually get a few eyes. Not only that, but video game characters are always treated differently in Toontown. Maybe it’s because of a developers history, or lack there of. The story of Ruvyzvat being a heartless killer however spreads like wild flower, and while he and Sarv will primarily stay at the church... sometimes curiosity becomes too much.

KINGDOM HEARTS- FNF is it’s own world. Keyblade turned into a microphone, Ruv & Sarv are some of the first that would be met. Despite their challenge, they are rather distanced from the troubles of the Darkness and Light and would be semi-good companions.

THE BLACKOUT CLUB- Ruv is a 16. Any day will be the day that a voice will end up taking over, merging with his mind. That’s fine. Much like how Seed-The-Grudge would want, he’ll just get revenge.

HAZBIN HOTEL / HELLUVA BOSS- Ruv ironically enough is one of the few in Hell who does not make him dead. In fact, in some cases that can make him extremely rare. This crossover he IS able to accompany Sarvente into the Underworld, and follow her on her treks through it. While most assume he is a dead sinner, he usually just doesn’t answer. However something about being here and meeting those who reside within the land sets him off. He’s a tad more feral, and a tad more willing to go to the violent answer.

PORTAL- Violence core. What else is there to say? Alternatively, him being a test subject would be fascinating, especially if he was grabbed post-vow. The man is immortal, and therefore would have messed with the tests just by the fact that there is only way for him to die. Death isn’t the worst thing to happen to a man however, and he does still feel pain.

RWBY- Ruv has the ability to manipulate sound waves, specifically his own). Trained with great strength and and even greater speed, his form of combat is continuously dodging as he looks for a weak spot. Weapons of choice are shot gun snow boots, and his sickle that doubles as a short sword.

DOCTOR WHO- Sarv has the ability to create portals. While they are MEANT to be used to intergalactive travel, but instead parallel world travel that in of itself is monumental for a lot of DW plots. Ruv and Sarv can easily go from one universe to the next, however chose to stay in the church. Not to mention Ruv’s skills in target elimination and his abilities would make for some individuals to repurpose him into a weapon. While they have been approached by UNIT on several occasions, they always refuse. However, enough time has passed that they’re starting to notice that the couple in the church aren’t aging...

FNAF- RUVYZVAT and SARVENTE were creations of Fazbear Entertainments as karaoke machines... if we want to go the robot route. If we want to go the normal person route, Ruv was hired by Fazbear’s because it’s one of the few places that doesn’t do a background check, and when he said he wanted to wear a mask as part of the work outfit they were all for it. He runs the karaoke machine though. Stays away from quite literally everyone. While he isn’t the infamous killer of children here, he does have a reputation of his own that he is running from, and that does tend to make him silent.

BATIM- Criminal on the run stumbles into the wastelands formerly known as Bendy’s. Actually enjoys it at first because the cartoon was popular when he was a child. ALT. Stickman drawing of one of the artists come to life. Usually pretends to be Lost One, but when he’s alone with another (Sarvente) they turn into their stickman version selves. Has the ability to jump between 2 and 3 dimensions, but none of the strength or voice.

PSYCHONAUTS- Agent Ruvyzvat, Russian sector. Ruv is working for the Psychonauts in some weird, turning event. Mainly because the sole woman that he trusts and saved his life, Agent Sarvente brought him in. The two are inseparable, and despite Sasha and Nein being infamous for their clinginess, these two take it to a whole knew level. Ruve’s “loud voice” is actually a psychic ability he can use outside of the mind to jumble and confuse thoughts and has no damage on anything physically in the present.

GRAVITY FALLS- Sarvente is a Demon, much like Bill. Where sa Bill desires nothing but chaos and madness, Sarvente is trying her best to keep the world like it is and preserve it’s beauty. Seeing such beauty in a runaway criminal, she and he run to the forests of Oregon. Throughout Weirdmageddon, neither managed to be captured or turned to stone, however Ruv seemingly gained his incredible voice abilities. Now, they live in a semi-collapsed church out in the forest. Sarvente always asking those who come her way to join their church, Ruv is suspicious why such events would happen in such a small town, and is distrusting of most everyone he sees.

DETECTIVE CONAN / KAITOU KID / ANY ANIME OR SERIES LIKE THAT- VERY infamous criminal. Take his “Wanted Dead or Alive” that exists in all other verses, and ramp that up quite a bit. Usually wears a mask whenever he is committing a crime. He does seem to be in it for the fun, though it’s hard to tell with the stoic and expressionless looks. That being said, he does seem to have a very clear goal of what he wants. There are no patterns to where he hits, or what he takes. From wallets of people off the streets, to priceless artifacts. He’ll find where Sarvente went, and how they were able to change her mind in such a way.... how they could corrupt her.

MODERN / NON-EXTREMELY FANTASTICAL- Ruv is honestly a rather down to Earth individual, in some terms. He is untrusting of EVERYTHING, but also due to his own strengths finds little that fear or challenges him. Keep him mind he did make a deal with Lucifer (or his Lucifer) for Immortality for protecting her. While he will always be doing things on his own, a lot of his end goals and motives will come back to her. Without her involvement, he is a walking, talking, machine of destruction with no sway on which side he decides to tear apart.

☾ ˚⊹ ❛❛ GENERAL STOPPING POINTS FOR WANTING TO PLOT

DON’T KNOW THE WORLD YOU’RE FROM / YOU DON’T KNOW MY LORE. - That’s fine. I can get my hands dirty. I can research. In fact I usually would love nothing more to. I love learning about new fandoms, or new media to get into. You shouldn’t be afraid of that. As for mine- It should take someone less than an hour to get through all of the links I have posted in the RESOURCES tab in my bio. I’ve timed it. So if you have an hour to spare, or 15, or just enough time to read his wiki that’s fine. He’s not from a long running show, or anything like that. You can catch up extremely quick.

WELL WHAT ABOUT A BOOK/COMIC? HOW WOULD HE FIT IN?- If we are talking about Super Hero comics, then it depends. 90% of the time I will just play up his wanted status a lot more, and make it more of a reason for an interaction. You just ran into a man who has killed hundreds. If your muse is a super hero, or a vigilante? Would you let him go? What a villain? That might make a good partner.

TV SHOW? LIVE ACTION?- Again, it depends on the type of show. Superhero follows the same above. If it’s investigative, have him be a witness. Or a falsely accused man who can prove he isn’t the guilty party. Is it more supernatural- well he did make a deal with Lucifer and is an immortal now from it. There are a million ways to spin it. Don’t look at making him a big character. Quite honestly, side characters that you pass in the street have just as much backstory, and as long as there is a plausible chance of interactions then we can work it out from there.

☾ ˚⊹ ❛❛ GENERAL IDEAS TO BE AWARE OF THAT MIGHT HELP

HE IS A WANTED CRIMINAL.- Meaning his name Ruvyzvat is known. Despite his crimes going on for decades, he is on the run and never stopped. Several city, state, countries, and possibly nations are looking for him, and looking to take him in.

HE IS ALSO AN IMMORTAL.- While he hasn’t been around forever, and nearly not as long as Sarvente has been, he HAS been around for at least 100 years, give or take some. He can be injured, but even fatal injuries heal in an almost Deadpool like way.

HE ALSO HAS SUPERNATURAL POWERS.- His speed and reflexes alone is not something to be taken lightly. He does train and fight with Lucifer on what used to be a semi-regular basis. He has moved and adapted to be able to make sure no one but the singular person he trusts is able to lay a hand on him. That isn’t to say you can’t catch him off guard. You also have his inhuman strength to worry about, but most of all his voice. His voice which could completely demolish a building, and that isn’t the full strength. He has an amazing control over it, but that certainly isn’t a trait of his to ignore.

HE IS NOT ALWAYS IN THE CHURCH. I MADE SURE OF THAT WHEN I MADE MY BLOG.- He goes on walks, and he goes on errands. He also goes to the Gym on occasion, though not as often. He enjoys walks on the beach far earlier than anyone should be awake at. What I’m saying is running into him OUTSIDE of the church is possible. That being said, meeting him IN the church is your best bet for him warming up quicker. He feels safer in the church, and therefore usually wishes to stay there.

DOESN’T FIT THE STYLE OF CHARACTERS/WORLD? - If he doesn’t fit, then I can work to adapt him into something that WOULD fit. What characteristics about him doesn’t work. This is when I would need plotting help. If, lets say it was an all animal world, we can talk about what he is, his traits, and other such things. I am always happy to not use my icons- I just like to because I think they’re neat and I worked hard on them.

WHAT WOULD HE BE DOING?- Any number of things. He likes throwing pebbles at people. He mainly guards and protects Sarvente and her things, but I know we’re talking besides this. He cannot cook, but he does actually sew, and he does read quite a bit. Working on his fist to fist fighting would be a big one. He likes secluded areas, which especially work for explorer’s and people who walk off the beaten path.

IS THERE ANYWHERE HE COULDN’T BE?- He wouldn’t be at a bar. Ruv doesn’t drink, at all. I also don’t see him at any parties unless Sarv dragged him to them. Writing starters or plotting around those are perfectly fine, but do not expect his muse to be comfortable while he’s there.

HE SEEMS OVERPOWERED.- At times, he certainly can be, but only when he feels it’s necessary. He doesn’t flaunt his abilities, and most he has are out of self preservation. If you as a mun are worried about him and what he can do, the best thing you can do is read my information, look into his wiki, and then come and talk to me. Ruv isn’t someone who will 100% abuse what abilities he has, especially since now he is trying his best to be better for her since it makes her happy.

☾ ˚⊹ ❛❛ GENERAL IDEAS TO HAVE YOUR CHARACTERS IN HIS UNIVERSE

LOCATIONS?- The Church, the back alleys, the karaoke bar (that primarily does rap battles), the Alternate dimension that Sarv made so that he can be loud and not retrain his voice.

MOTIVATIONS?- If your muse is in the FNF world, then be ready for some sick beats to be dropped. Your muse could be rescuing someone from the BBEG and going through the slew of minions to sing against. There’s always the alternative side of this of “what the hell is going on?”

MY CHARACTER ISN’T FROM THERE, SO THEY WOULDN’T FIT IN.- Well I do have a “main” verse which replaces raps with fists. Looking for someone important to them, in the search of a deep and hidden artifact within the search, the rumors of a man born 100 years ago- theres a lot to be found in the library if you looked.

WHAT DOES THE FNF WORLD CONSIST OF?- It consists of Demon Daddies, Singing Skeletons and Pumpkins, Tankmen, a Demonic Lemon Demon, Sentient Video Game Characters, and if you take the mods in you also have Demon, Angels, Ghosts, Deadly Ex’s, Bomb Headed Men-- I promise your character will fit in at the end of the day.

ISN’T HE EXTREMELY AGGRESSIVE AND HARD TO TALK TO?- He can be. He talks in very short sentences, however I do my best to give my reply enough that you can reply to. Actions, and I chose to be very descriptive with his expressions in this case. Ruv spend many years alone, and sometimes with him, actions speak louder than words. When you or your muse figure that out is up to you.

WELL WE CAN’T DO AN ENTIRE THREAD IN A CHURCH.- I never said we had to. He is more than happy to leave the church should he want, and should there be a reason. Usually, (despite what it seems) he does like helping people, so you can lure him out that way ;)

#∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹ 𝕽𝖚𝖓 𝕬𝖜𝖆𝖞 𝖂𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝕸𝖆𝖓 ⊹ — ❛❛ v. crossover.#∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹ 𝕴𝖙'𝖘 𝕶. ⊹ — ❛❛ resources.#∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹ 𝕴𝖙'𝖘 𝕶. ⊹ — ❛❛ psa & updates.#∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹ 𝕴𝖙'𝖘 𝕶. ⊹ — ❛❛ save.#i added all i could think of #just so i could kinda help out when it came to plotting but #even if we don't know each others universes or anything #this is pretty comprehensive so i hope it helps #i spent a while on it and it should be pretty helpful to anyone who wants to write with me but has no idea how #now if you excuse me im going to scream because of how long this took #∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹ 𝕾𝖎𝖓𝖋𝖚𝖑 𝕰𝖓𝖉 ⊹ — ❛❛ headcanon.#∘⡊ ☾ ˚⊹ 𝕾𝖎𝖓𝖋𝖚𝖑 𝕰𝖓𝖉 ⊹ — ❛❛ meta.

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winryofresembool · 4 years ago

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Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 27

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: The exam season is underway (yet somehow I don’t mention the exams all too many times...)

A/N: Yay, I'm back with this fic!! I think I can promise a bit more regular updates at least in the near future, but I will be starting to work longer hours possibly starting from next week so I will have a bit less free time then. I am still determined to keep up with my 500ish words per day goal so it should cause too much delay!

That's that, I hope you guys are as happy to return to this universe as I am! As usual, please let me know what you think :) This fic is about to take my longest fic position from Love Can Melt the Ice, so knowing that there are people who care about it really means a lot to me!

Words: 2393

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / AO3

Leo would have been lying if he had claimed that everything went back to completely normal after the talk with Calypso. Sure, they both really tried harder to act as neutral and friendly as possible around each other; whenever they were at home at the same time, they chatted casually about how things were going at work and at the university, their latest TV show or music discoveries, or some silly thing one of their friends had said or done recently. Sometimes they even watched something together or cleaned the common area together. However, the earlier confessions were never mentioned. On the surface things were ‘just fine’, but the unspoken words and lingering looks spoke for itself. Leo knew things were still heating up under the surface and sooner or later they would have to make some difficult decisions. But until then, he wasn’t going to risk anything by disrespecting the guidelines that they had set during their ‘big talk’, even if it was hard to resist sometimes.

One evening Leo found Calypso studying for her upcoming exams on the common area couch. She was wearing a pink, tunic length sweater that matched her lip color, and black leggings that hugged her legs tightly (not that he’d ever tell her that he had noticed such things). She had also pulled her now medium length hair into a messy ponytail so it wouldn’t bother her while she was reading, showing her nicely shaped facial features better. Despite noticing all that, Leo’s thoughts soon went to the facts that he had recently learned about his flatmate. Now he knew more about the hardships she had gone through; a dead sister, an abusive, controlling father, being alone all those years and the nightmares she had mentioned while drunk. Yet, somehow there she was, having escaped her father’s grip and looking perfectly content doing something as boring and normal as studying for exams. The girl was way stronger than he had earlier given her credit for, and Leo admired her capability to stay so calm; he wasn’t so sure the ghosts of his own past would leave him alone that easily.

“Hi,” he finally said before Calypso noticed that he’d been standing there just watching her far too long despite the rules they had set. “What are you reading?”

Calypso showed him the book. If she was surprised to see him, she hid it well. “A collage of Frenchmen’s experiences at the front lines during World War II. I know. A very cheerful way to finish the day.” She grimaced.

“Huh? I thought you were mostly focusing on older history? I didn’t know you study that stuff too,” Leo noted, shifting from one foot to another.

“Well, they do require us to have a good enough understanding of the newer events as well,” Calypso replied, now looking at him directly. For some reason that one look managed to make chills go down Leo’s spine. “It is true, though, that I am more interested in ancient history. There’s so much we still don’t know about those times and I want to be able to discover more.”

“I see,” Leo said. “I think I understand what you mean. I am constantly hoping to discover new ways to create things that will be useful for all of us. Flying dragons that use energy drinks as their energy source? How epic would that be?” Excitement surged through him when he simply thought about it.

“Isn’t that a bit out there?” Calypso asked, but Leo didn’t miss the amused glint in her eyes. “And what if everyone had flying dragons and that would cause horrible air accidents? I don’t know about you but to me they don’t sound very safe.”

“Sunshine, what’s life without some danger?” Leo questioned.

“Hmm, let me think: safe?” Calypso retorted.

“Ouch. Well, I don’t think I have time to invent flying dragons any time soon, so you don’t have to worry about that,” Leo reassured her, but now that the idea had been planted into his head, he decided to return to it some day in the future. Hopefully when he would be able to handle fire.

“That’s a relief,” Calypso replied. “Speaking of your inventions… have you decided what you’re going to do about your studies? The last time I asked you said you haven’t been in contact with your professor yet.”

That was a question Leo had been dreading for. He preferred to not talk about that topic unless he had to, but the truth was that he was still quite unsure about being able to continue. However, he hadn’t made any final decisions yet.

“I’ll… I’ll keep working to overcome my fear,” he responded vaguely. “I think I’ve made some small progress during our sessions. If I can keep that going, I may be able to retake the test next year. Small steps, you know.” In reality, so far he had managed to stay close to a small, burning candle for a short period of time without freaking out, but he still didn’t want to try the matches whenever Calypso suggested it. There was still a long way to go before he’d be able to use all the machines he needed during lab classes and at work.

“Okay,” Calypso said, but to Leo she sounded a bit unconvinced. Her voice got more reassuring, though, when she added: “You know that you can ask for my help any time you need it.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Leo nodded. “And same right back at you. I mean, you can ask me. If you need anything.” For some annoying reason he managed to only get stuttering out of his mouth at that moment. “Even if you simply want me to make you a miniature dragon in the middle of the night. It’s fine. I’d totally make it.”

“And why would I want you to make me a miniature dragon in the middle of the night?” Calypso looked at him questioningly. Before Leo managed to answer, her face softened into a smile and she added: “I really appreciate the thought, though. It feels so different… in a good way… to have people in my life who genuinely support me. I haven’t had that, well, since I got separated from my mom.”

She sat a bit straighter on the couch, her gaze going back and front between Leo and her book, and Leo wondered if she was debating if she should reach for him and touch his shoulder or something. Maybe even hug. One side of him wished she would just go for it. But that would have violated their newly made rules and neither wanted to make things even more complicated than they already were. They simply kept staring at each other for a while, as if trying to read each other’s thoughts, but finally Calypso sighed and turned her focus back on her book, closing it.

“I didn’t realize it’s already this late…” She said, adjusting her hair a bit with the hand that wasn’t holding the book. “I still need to finish an assignment for tomorrow.”

She stood up and started walking towards her room, but when she got past Leo, her arm briefly touched his. Leo’s arm was still tingling after Calypso closed the door behind her.

…

A few days later, Leo was still thinking of that incident when he almost fell over a big rock that was standing on his road. He and Jason were currently having a well deserved evening off after finishing their last exams of the semester earlier that day (Leo felt like he had at least succeeded with the calculations but his essay writing was a bit sloppy) and in honor of that they had decided to go for a long jog and after that have a big, unhealthy meal in one of their favorite pizza places. While they were on their way there, Jason had been explaining something about his holiday plans when Leo had zoned out, and Jason had to grab his arm so he didn’t fall.

“Hey, man, you OK?” Jason asked, frowning. “What just happened there?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m OK.” Leo brushed some dust off the sleeves of his coat. “I was just… thinking. And didn’t notice the rock on the road.”

“Hmmm, what got you that thoughtful?” Jason inquired. “I bet you didn’t even hear what I just said.”

“You know I have a pretty nasty case of ADHD, sometimes I just zone out randomly,” Leo said defensively, not wanting to admit aloud that recently he had been even more distracted than usual because of a certain flatmate of his. “And no, I didn’t hear you.”

“Alright,” Jason shrugged. “I was telling you that Piper’s dad has invited us to visit him over the break. I’m not sure yet if we are going, though. Piper didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it. Sure, she wants to see him, but she suspects he’s still working most of the time so it would be the same to just call instead of traveling all the way to LA.”

“Mmmh,” Leo mumbled, trying hard to stay in the present moment. “I’m going to be at Waystation during the break so if you guys decide to stay, we can still hang out.”

“Okay, I’ll let you know what we decide to do. That wasn’t all, though…” Jason continued, his face becoming concerned. “I think Piper has seemed quite distant lately, and not just when we’ve been talking about that trip. Sometimes I worry that she’s gotten bored of me, or something.”

“No way, man!” Leo exclaimed. “I’ve seen you guys together often enough to know that she loves you. Maybe she’s just going through a rough phase or something.”

Jason didn’t seem quite convinced. “I guess so. It’s just that usually she tells me directly what’s bothering her. This… keeping things inside her isn’t like her.”

“Maybe you just need to give her some time,” Leo suggested. “It’s like me with Cal; I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut more often and in exchange she has slowly started opening up to me more recently.”

“She has? That’s great!” Jason cheered up. “How is it going with you two anyway? I heard some things about the Halloween party aftermath…”

“Nothing happened after the party!” Leo yelped, raising his hands. “Whatever Piper has told you, all lies.”

“Really? So you two wouldn’t have kissed if Piper hadn’t interrupted you guys?” Jason raised his eyebrow.

If Leo’s cheeks hadn’t already been red from the jogging, he certainly would have blushed. “Um… well… the point is that we didn’t. Besides, we’ve set some rules that we’re supposed to follow because we don’t wanna make our co living too complicated.”

“So there is something going on between you two and you are acknowledging it,” Jason teased. “You wouldn’t need to set any rules otherwise.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Leo muttered. “If you must know, we did admit that we like each other after the party.”

“But that’s great!” Jason exclaimed.

“It feels pretty crazy,” Leo replied. “Sometimes I wonder why she likes me, but maybe the Bad Boy Supreme’s magic is stronger than I thought.”

Jason snorted at his comment. “I don’t know Calypso as well as you do but I doubt it’s the so-called Bad Boy Supreme side that she cares about. You pretend to be all cool and try to seem like you don’t care about what’s happening around you but I think you do that only because you care too much. Maybe Calypso has noticed that as well.”

“Dude, you’ve been hanging out with Piper too much.” Leo shook his head. “That’s something she would say. ” “Well, she’s not wrong. Anyway, what happened after the big confession?”Jason asked curiously.

“We’re not together if that’s what you’re asking, ” Leo denied immediately. “I just mentioned the rules, remember? We wouldn’t need them if we had decided to go down that road.” “Ouch… but why? Why didn’t you just decide to do it?” Jason wanted to know.

“For some stupid, noble reasons,” Leo grunted. “I’m not gonna go into the details because it’s up to her to talk about it, but long story short, she thinks it’s safer that way. I think she’s afraid of hurting one of us.”

“And do you think she’s right?” Jason inquired.

“I… No! I’ve told her I can handle it. But I’m not gonna push it - believe me, Jo and Emmie have given me long lectures about respecting women’s boundaries. If Cal and I wanna keep living together, I have to let it be.”

“Yeah, I can see your point.” Jason nodded.

“Besides…” Leo added after a moment, his face falling as he thought about his past. “Bad things tend to follow me. Who is to say that I wouldn’t be the one getting her into trouble?”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because when have I ever been successful with anything I’ve done?” Leo asked in return.

Jason seemed to finally understand what event Leo was really referring to. “You’re still beating yourself for things that happened years ago?”

“Why do you think I’m not capable of going to some of the lab classes? Because I simply think that skipping is fun and I don’t care whether I pass it or not?” There had been a time when Leo hadn’t cared about his school success, but back in those days he hadn’t cared about much else either. Now that he had dreams and things to live for, he hated the idea that anyone would think he’d throw it all away just because he could. His new family deserved better than that for what they had done for him.

“No, no, I was not thinking that! You just never talk about it so I assumed… whatever.” Jason didn’t want to make Leo even angrier so he decided it was better to change the topic. “Maybe we should talk about something else. I still hope that you and Cal will work it out eventually.”

“Yeah. I hope so too. Same for you and Piper.” The friends had gotten close to their destination, so Leo exclaimed quickly: “Hey, I’m smelling the pizza now! Whoever is last at the door pays!”

“That’s a bad deal because you know I’m faster than you. I train every day!” Jason pointed out but soon sprinted after him.

#caleo #leo valdez #calypso #heroes of olympus #percy jackson and the olympians #trials of apollo #my fics #caleo uni au

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haberdashing · 4 years ago

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open your eyes (i see your eyes are open) (3/?)

Jon, faced with being the last one left in a dying world, sends his memories back in time to someone who might be able to fix things before the worst can happen.

Sasha James, for her part, is very confused.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

on AO3

Tim was a help more ways than one that morning, between the breakfast he made for her (which was way nicer than it needed to be, really) and having him as a springboard for any half-formed ideas she shared with him, but there were things Sasha couldn’t share with him, things Sasha didn’t dare speak out loud and hesitated even to think too much about.

That day and the next, Sasha kept getting the feeling that she was being watched, and she wasn’t sure how much of that might actually be Elias- might be Jonah Magnus keeping an eye on her from afar, and how much was just baseless paranoia. Better to play it safe, not risk giving away too much too fast. She made some notes for herself, but there too she could only give away so much, especially when she knew no code was safe.

(She still put the more secretive notes in the language she’d invented for herself back when she was a teenager, but that was as much for nostalgia’s sake as for practicality’s sake.)

The weekend went by fast, too fast, and there was only so much Sasha could do, especially when she had chores to do on top of it all--Christ, the day after a life-changing revelation and she had to spend two hours in a grocery store, because it was that or not have groceries for the rest of the week--and soon enough it was Monday morning, and Sasha was returning to the Institute.

She groaned at her alarm, set even earlier than her usual (which was itself a good couple hours earlier than Sasha would wake up if left to her own devices), but she got up just the same, not even bothering to snooze it once as was her usual routine. The more time she had at the Institute today, the better. There was a lot of ground she needed to cover, after all.

There was a lot to do in the Institute, but once Sasha arrived on its grounds, she realized that she wasn’t entirely sure where to begin. Confronting Elias seemed like a bad idea, but Jon was about as much of a morning person as she was (in other words, not at all), so going to him first thing might be a mistake as well...

Well, Sasha now knew of one danger coming to the Institute, one that had taken her own life in that other future; perhaps she was best off making sure nobody else fell victim to that same fate this time around.

Besides, while Sasha hated Artefact Storage with a passion, the idea of visiting it, briefly, checking in with her former coworkers, wasn’t such a painful one. A little like going home, really, with all the pain and complications that came with a home.

Sasha didn’t know who she’d bump into first when she got there, and she went over the possibilities in her head as she headed to Artefact Storage.

Krys was nice enough, but they were a little too much like Sasha in that they’d want to know everything, know all the details about how she got the information she was sharing, and that was something Sasha couldn’t provide. Maxwell was the type to forget about such warnings until it was too late, or almost too late, and that was a risk she couldn’t afford. Mikey was... well, Mikey was competent enough, admittedly, but he was also just kind of a dick, and Sasha really hoped she wouldn’t have to deal with him.

Luckily, when Sasha entered Artefact Storage, the person waiting for her inside was instead Rana--clever, reliable Rana, with her smooth tawny skin and that long straight hair of hers that Sasha had always admired--and Sasha couldn’t help but smile.

“Rana! Good to see you!” The words rang true, and the smile forming on Sasha’s face was genuine enough; though she’d hated her time in Artefact Storage, she liked the people there (though some of that might just have been trauma bonding), and getting to see Rana again was a treat despite the circumstances.

“Right back at you.” Rana’s smile was a little weaker, but looked no less genuine. “What brings you here so early?”

Sasha snorted with amusement; apparently she still couldn’t live down the handful of times she’d overslept when first working at the Institute, but by now such memories were more nostalgic than irritating.

“I got some information about an artifact that’ll be coming your way soon... or, soon is a bit overstating it, I suppose...” When did that table arrive the first time around? Sasha was having a hard time remembering the month it happened, let alone the date... and depending on how things went in the coming months, even if she recalled the time it showed up down to the second, it might not happen quite the same this time... “Sometime next summer, I believe.”

Rana let out a low whistle. “Planning ahead, are we?”

“Something like that.” Sasha’s laugh wasn’t quite as genuine as her smile. “The artifact in question is a table with a, a web-like pattern, sort of like an optical illusion, with a chunk missing in the middle. And the important bit is that you need to make sure nobody works on it alone. Any tests you do, make sure somebody else is there, or else it’ll go badly--even by Artefact Storage standards.”

Both Rana and Sasha shuddered a little at that; they both knew well enough how messy things could get down here.

“Got it. Should I write that all down?”

“Not a bad idea.”

Rana nodded and started scribbling furiously in a nearby notebook; a quick glance showed that despite her fervent writing speed, her handwriting was still as impeccable as always, far from Sasha’s messy scrawling. “I’ll keep this note on hand, thanks. How’d you hear about this so early, anyway?”

The question was casual, and Sasha answered it the same way, exaggeratedly winking as she said, “That’s classified.”

“Oh, you archive workers, so secretive, down there in your little hole of a basement doing God knows what...”

“Yeah, that’s why everything on file is open for viewing, you know, because it’s top secret and all.”

“Exactly! You understand me.”

Rana let out a laugh at that, and Sasha couldn’t help but join in.

“But seriously, thanks for the heads-up. And it really is good to see you again, it’s been too long! Stay out of trouble in that top secret basement, now, will you?”

Sasha laughed again and shot Rana another exaggerated wink. “No promises.”

#tma #tma au #tma fic #tma fanfic #the magnus archives #the magnus archives au #the magnus archives fic #the magnus archives fanfic #personal #my writing

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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25 Hardest PC Games of All-Time

https://ift.tt/38HV1Oq

The most fascinating thing about the history of difficult PC games isn’t necessarily the difficulty of individual titles but rather the diversity of difficult experiences the platform has gifted us throughout the years.

From meme games specifically designed to make you rage quit to underrated platformers and punishing puzzle titles, the history of difficult PC games essentially doubles as a fairly comprehensive look at all the ways developers have creatively punished us for daring to think we were ever good enough to beat their cruelest creations.

What are the most difficult PC games ever made, though? Well, answering that question is only slightly easier than actually playing the games on such a list, so in the interest of honoring the hardest PC games ever, we’re offering an extended look at the games that made you toss your mouse and keyboard in the air and briefly consider the benefits of smashing the family computer. We’re also focusing on games that were initially released exclusively for various PC platforms (or at least games that weren’t simply ported to PC later on) in order to properly pay homage to the truly unique ways our personal computers have tortured us throughout the years.

25. Minesweeper

The first PC game many of us probably played dominated computer classrooms, ate up more free time than many of us will ever care to admit, and ultimately confounded a generation of gamers who desperately tried to see its victory screen.

That’s what’s impressive about Minesweeper. It’s ultimately a pretty challenging puzzle game that becomes borderline absurd at high-difficulty settings, but I’m just amazed that Microsoft was bold enough to make such a confusing, complicated, and difficult game one of the most recognizable early Windows experiences.

24. Dota 2

This is a bit of a tricky entry, largely because I’m hesitant to highlight PC multiplayer games in this discussion about difficult titles. Obviously, it’s pretty hard to win a match against some of the best competitive multiplayer players in the world.

What separates Dota 2, though, is its incredible learning curve. Yes, top-rank Dota play is incredibly difficult, but the barrier to entry in this game is so thick that it’s amazing most new players even stick around to try to learn it.

23. Rainbow Six: Rogue Spear

If you’re only familiar with the Rainbow Six series because of Siege (which, to be fair, is a challenging game in its own right), then let me just warn you now that you’re probably in for a world of hurt if you ever dare to try to play the first few entries in this long-running franchise.

The only word that properly describes Rogue Spear‘s difficulty is “unforgiving.” You have to be nearly perfect in your planning, aim, map, knowledge, and execution of all of those elements if you’re going to have any chance of completing this game’s most difficult missions. Don’t even get me started on those stealth sections…

22. Return of the Obra Dinn

There are quite a few challenging “logic puzzle” games on the PC, but what separates this truly incredible experience from some of its immediate competition is the way that the game’s time manipulation mechanics require you to cross-reference nearly every piece of information that you acquire with every other piece of information you acquire.

Yes, you can make educated guesses in Obra Dinn, but that little piece of freedom just shows you how complex this game’s puzzles really are. Return of the Obra Dinn doesn’t just make you think; it demands a different kind of thought process than you’ll find in any other game or any other kind of storytelling experience.

21. Kerbal Space Program

It’s not hard to enjoy Kerbal Space Program. It is, after all, a fairly goofy game about building spaceships where half the fun comes from watching your plans quite literally blow up in your face. However, have you ever tried actually playing Kerbal Space Program well?

If you have, then you probably already know that Kerbal Space Program is one of the most complicated and mechanically advanced PC games ever made. Building a fully functional rocket in this game’s nightmare world of physics and miniature components is only slightly less difficult than being asked to build a rocket in real life.

20. Hotline Miami

Hotline Miami is widely recognized for its all-time great soundtrack and absurd violence, but don’t let this game’s popularity somehow convince you that it is not one of the most unforgiving and mentally exhausting action games ever made.

While each level in Hotline Miami is essentially a puzzle, few puzzle games also demand perfect aim or the ability to pick up a makeshift weapon at just the right moment in order to salvage your plan of attack. Few gaming experiences match the feeling of getting a Hotline Miami level just right.

19. Dead Cells

Dead Cells is so much fun to play that you might forget that it’s absolutely one of the most challenging action games of the last few years. Of course, that reality will rise up and smack you in the face the moment that you dare to try to beat the game’s later levels.

Even if you “grind” your way to the top of Dead Cells and unlock every weapon, attribute, and skill, you’ll still struggle to topple this game’s most devious challenges. By that point, though, you’ll likely be too committed to seeing it through to realize that you’re actively being beaten down.

18. FTL

FTL certainly wasn’t the first roguelike game, but this crowdfunded title elevated the genre with its incredible sci-fi setting, brilliant structure, and intense strategy-focused combat sequences. It’s also the game that showed millions just how difficult roguelike games could be.

Years later, it’s easy to argue that FTL is still one of the hardest roguelike games out there. You can do everything right in this game (which is certainly no easy feat in and of itself) and still instantly lose the “perfect run” thinks to one of a hundred random little things that can go wrong.

17. SpaceChem

Imagine trying to pass an advanced chemistry test while simultaneously attempting to re-wire the electricity in your home. That’s roughly what it’s like to play SpaceChem: one of the most complicated puzzle games ever conceived.

I’d say learning to play SpaceChem is half the battle, but the thing that is so interesting about this game is that you never really entirely learn how to play it. You just learn to roll with the punches and make the most out of the various challenges this game uses to constantly keep you on your toes.

16. Flywrench

At the risk of relying on too many comparisons, I’ll say that the best way to imagine what it’s like to play Flywrench is to imagine trying to play Super Hexagon and Super Meat Boy at the same time without messing up in either. That’s roughly the Flywrench experience.

What’s amazing about this game is that even those with lightning-fast reflexes aren’t guaranteed to be good at it. Victory in Flywrench comes down to a brutal combination of reflexes, map memorization, quick reads, and the kind of persistence that few games would ever dare demand from their players.

15. S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl

Somewhere between a survival horror game and a simulation shooter lies S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl: one of the most original, terrifying, and yes, brutally difficult PC games ever made.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl convincingly sells the horrors of its setting by burdening you with the knowledge that you could indeed die at any time. If this game’s atmosphere, story, and tone don’t make you feel depressed, trying to navigate its toughest sections will probably do the trick.

14. Dark Seed

While it’s true that the best reason to play Dark Seed is its incredible horror style (which is actually based on the art of H. R. Giger), the second-best reason to play Dark Seed is the desire to experience as much digital pain as possible.

Dark Seed’s puzzles are hard enough on their own, but this game takes things one step too far by utilizing a time limit system that affords you almost no time to stop and smell the roses. You could argue this game would have been better off overall without that time limit system, but it certainly wouldn’t be as notoriously difficult as it very much is.

13. Devil Daggers

If you’ve never played Devil Daggers, please be sure to find the time to do so. This absolutely incredible FPS experience effectively reimagines classic shooters as a kind of arena action game that places you in the middle of a small circular stage that is quickly swarmed by the most horrifying foes you’ll ever dare to imagine.

Devil Daggers is basically what you’d get if you used mods to turn Quake into a bullet hell shooter. Ther are safe zones in this game, but good luck spotting them in a 3D, first-person setting while you’re actively trying not to die at every single moment.

Games

PC Gaming Innovations That Changed the Way We Play

By Matthew Byrd

Games

25 PC Games That Changed History

By Matthew Byrd

12. Discworld

Even at a time when point-and-click adventure puzzles were designed to be as difficult as possible, Discworld quickly gained a reputation for featuring arguably the most challenging collection of puzzles that genre has ever seen.

Discworld embraces the outlandishness of its source material by tasking you with solving puzzles that quite honestly defy any logic that we mere mortals are used to adhering to. Just when you think you may have possibly found a solution to one part of its devious puzzles, you suddenly realize that you haven’t begun to appreciate the maddening scope of what this game truly expects from you.

11. 1001 Spikes

1001 Spikes isn’t just a throwback to the golden era of “NES hard.” It’s a hall-of-fame worthy collection of all the mechanics, ideas, and venomous design decisions that made those games so difficult (with a few new tricks thrown in).

From bottomless pits to invisible blocks (and yes, a couple of spikes), 1001 Spikes is an angel to some and a demon to others. It really all depends on how fondly you remember the years of your youth that you spent dying to the cruelest 8-bit titles ever made.

10. Commandos: Behind Enemy Lines

In a previous article about a nearly impossible dungeon crawler called The Immortal, I talked about how that game tries to make you walk a very specific path to avoid its various death traps. Well, Commandos utilizes a similar trick with one fascinating twist: you have to blaze your own path to victory.

Commandos is a game of inches. Every move you make has to be carefully considered because each could trigger a mistake down the line that is nearly impossible to recover from. That level of freedom is both incredibly frustrating and the thing that keeps you convinced that you can eventually get it right if you hang in long enough.

9. Gabriel Knight 3

This is another case where I’m not actually sure how much Gabriel Knight 3 deserves this “honor” given that it features some of the most illogical, frustrating, confusing, and often downright unenjoyable puzzle designs in adventure game history.

Having said that, I ultimately see this as the final boss for genre fans. No matter how good you think you are at solving the most confounding adventure game puzzles ever crafted, I’m willing to bet that this game will leave you seriously considering downloading a walkthrough and calling it a day. This game’s “cat puzzle” alone has broken the strongest souls.

8. Darkest Dungeon

Moment to moment, Darkest Dungeon is difficult in all of the ways that you’d expect a roguelike dungeon crawler to be difficult. Tough enemies, minimal resources, incredible RNG swings…the gang is all here.

What separates this title are the mechanics you have to deal with in-between those dungeon dives. Properly managing your always ailing party of heroes often requires you to make difficult strategic decisions that simultaneously punish greed and pretty much demand it if you’re going to have any chance of reaching this game’s nearly impossible final dungeon.

7. I Wanna Be The Guy

I Wanna Be the Guy is both a throwback to the golden age of difficult games and a kind of experiment in how difficult you can make a game without it technically being impossible. It succeeds in both endeavors.

There are many PC games like I Wanna Be The Guy, but this is the title that alerted many of us to the wide world of these indie experiences that are designed to bring you to your breaking point. It’s one of the ultimate examples of how the PC gaming community has been pushing the limits of difficult retro gaming experiences for quite some time now.

6. Dwarf Fortress

Any discussion about Dwarf Fortress‘ difficulty has to eventually address the debate over whether or not you should see this as the kind of game you’re meant to “beat.” For millions of players, Dwarf Fortress is really about the process of figuring out how to do your best in one of the most mechanically complicated games ever.

That brutal learning curve certainly makes Dwarf Fortress worthy of consideration for this particular list, but it’s the “endgame” that ultimately makes this experience so special. Much like Kerbal Space Program, it’s when you try to succeed at Dwarf Fortress that you appreciate how challenging this fascinating blend of role-playing and world-building really is. Dwarf Fortress is arguably the deepest rabbit hole in video game history.

5. Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy

There have been quite a few incredibly difficult “meme” games in the past, but for my money, none have come close to topping this masterpiece.

Getting Over It‘s controls are ultimately the source of its legendarily frustrating gameplay, but the thing that will always define this game is that feeling you get when you realize a single wrong move can reset all the progress you’ve made so far. Few other games in history have combined persistence and mechanical challenges quite as well as this one.

4. X-COM: UFO Defense

There’s no denying that modern XCOM games are incredibly difficult, and there’s no denying that those who are able to beat modern XCOM games deserve a firm pat on the back. That being said, no modern XCOM game will ever compare to the difficulty of X-COM: UFO Defense.

The thing that separates UFO Defense from its competition in this category is the way that it demands you master and constantly consider a daunting number of gameplay mechanics. There is almost no room for error in this incredible game, and you probably won’t even know that you’ve made a mistake until it’s far too late to do anything but start over again.

3. Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

Is Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy a troll game? Yes, yes it is. However, that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be on any shortlist of the most difficult games ever made.

I highly doubt a developer will ever dare to construct puzzles as complicated as the ones featured in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Part of the “appeal” of this game is actually the way that its nearly impossible logic puzzles accentuate the ridiculous, yet despondent, nature of its humor. Just be sure to bring a towel.

2. Osu!

I’ll just come out and say that there’s never been a rhythm game as difficult as osu! With no assistance from a required peripheral instrument, osu! manages to challenge your mechanical abilities like no other entry into this genre has ever dreamed to do.

Honestly, the only thing you really need to know about this game is that some of the top FPS players in the world use it to prepare for competitive tournaments and matches. It’s the purest and most challenging video game reflex test that’s ever been constructed, and it’s hard not to love it for that.

1. Wizardry IV: The Return of Werdna

If it seems strange to put an RPG at the top of a list of the hardest PC games ever, that’s because you don’t know Wizardry IV.

Wizardry IV is a unique dungeon crawler where you’re essentially cast as a villain trying to work your way out of Hell. Actually, the best way to describe this game is just that. Hell. From constantly shifting maps to an experience system (or lack thereof) that requires you to beat incredible challenges without being able to consistently rely on your character actually getting stronger, Wizardry IV is quite simply the cruelest game ever made.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Honestly, Wizardry IV’s first room is arguably the most difficult and unintuitive challenge in video game history. From there, things only get worse. It’s an absolute masterpiece in “f*** everything about this” video game design.

The post 25 Hardest PC Games of All-Time appeared first on Den of Geek.

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 6 years ago

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Humans are Weird “Humor.”

Good morning everyone! Decided to write something nice and short today because I know a lot of you are here for that. I haven’t done it in a while, so I hope you appreciate my return :)

Scene: Dr Krill (an alien with arguably the most experience dealing with humans) is being interviewed on-record during the intergalactic convention of psycho-bio-medical science.

Q: WHat was the hardest thing for you to get used to the first time you stepped aboard a human ship?

A: To ask that question I would have to tell you about practically everything that happened to me while I was there. Living with humans is hard, and strange if you aren’t human. Everything about them is strange, and more complicated than it needs to be. For the longest time I had trouble keeping up with their communication.

Q: I was told that human communication is relatively simple.

A: Whoever told you that has never met a human, when humans speak they use oth verbal and body language to demonstrate their point, and worse than tha, they intentionally use irony, hyperbole, sarcasm and humor to communicate what they are saying.

Q: What is ... humor.

A: “\Now, as the humans would say sit back and rela because you just opened a massive can of worms.

Q What

A Exactly, human communication doesn’t make sense unless you spend time with them. You practically have to BECOME human to understand anything that’s going on. As for the case of humor, it is very complicated, and I still don’t quite understand it. I have experienced the phenomenon of humor in a way I don’t think is possible for many of my species. I’ve tried to explain it before, but it’s Ike explaining the color blue to a creature who seems primarily in infrared, they just won;t get it.

Q can you try?

A Of course I will. Humor is the appreciation of a specific situation or turn of phrase, but even that is completely inadequate to explain what humor is. It’s a….. primarily social, but not always, experience that is designed to help a group of humans empathizes, connect, or diffuse a situation. It is very important to be able to see the humor when with a group of humans because it will strengthen a social bond between you and them.

Q Can we have some examples.

A Well…. this could potentially be a long list so forgive me if I ramble on.

Humans have these things called jokes, sometimes they are stories and sometimes they are clever word play. The story joke generally begins with something that seems normal or at least plausible but the ... punch line (as the humans call it) is designed to be absurd, exaggerated or unexpected. For example you have three humans stranded on an island, one has dark hair, one has red hair, one has yellow hair. They dark hair human gets tired of this, and tries to swim back to the mainland, halfway across she drowns. Eventually the red hair human gets tired of being on the island and tries to swim as well, but she drowns halfway there. Finally the light hair human decides to try. She gets halfway to her destination, gets tired and swims back.

Q And what makes that funny. Two humans died.

A It’s funny because the last human got halfway there and swam back implying she could have made it all the way to the mainland but was too dumb to do so. Exaggerated lack of intelligence, and an absurd situation.

In the case of word play you can say something like: what do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot. ONe of those is a creature with many legs, and the other one is a bird capable of mimicking speech. THe answer is a walk-in-talkie, a type of short-wave handheld radio.

Q I don’t get it.

A I wouldn’t expect you to. It requires a very in-depth knowledge of human history and culture. Some other things that can be considered funny to a human include.

Non-human things trying to do human things, and this includes animals exhibiting human behavior. HUmans find it very funny when less intelligent creatures exhibit human behavior. THese can include strange un-animal noises and even an animal trying to do something that normally only humans do

This rule also applies to their own offspring. A small human attempting to do something above their capabilities, like speak or, even, attempt a skill is greatly amusing to humans.

Sometimes the jokes that humans use don’t even involve irony, but are designed the annoy the person they are targeted at. In this case the targeted human might expect the answer to be clever, but instead get something that is either obvious or really stupid. In this case what is funny is not the joke itself, but the reaction to the joke. Sometimes these are called anti jokes and are specifically designed to be funny by way of not being very funny.

Q Can you demonstrate that to us?

A Yes of course.

What is big, red and bad for your teeth.

Q I don’t know, what?

A A brick

Q Well….. yes I suppose.

A You see it's funny because not only is it obvious, but it also implies that someone threw a brick at someone else’s face.

Q Humans consider other people’s pain entertaining?

A OH yes, very much. This gives rise to two types of humor. Watching others get hurt and the dark humor.

Dark human involves saying something gruesome or wildly inappropriate. I am under the impression it is a way to test how socially close a group of people is. Because if you are with an unfamiliar group of people you don’t know how they will react to a potentially offensive or dark joke, and so may not use one. If a human deployed one, they may be gaging the reaction of those around them. I would say that, on average, humans have a lot of very dark thoughts, and the knowledge that other humans also have dark thoughts brings them more socially close. IF you can make a dark joke around a human that implies than you can say other inflammatory things without getting into trouble. As I was saying humans have a lot of dark and sometimes aggressive thoughts, and the ability to vent and share them is very important for mental health, but they need to make sure they find a proper group to confide in.

An example would be: what is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies….. you cannot unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork

Q: That…… is…. disturbing.

A: It’s a little bit funny

On the other hand, watching other people get hurt is a complicated type of humor.

It may be funny because the other person was doing something stupid, or against the rules, and it is entertaining to see them get what was coming to them. Humans like justice.

Sometimes it is designed as a way for humans to empathize with another being. Seeing someone get hurt wincing and then laughing about it is a way of saying I feel your pain, but I’m glad it’s not me.

Of course there is the humor that involves laughing at someone you genuinely hate who got hurt. IN this case you have always desired to hit that person, but it is not socially acceptable, but watching them get hurt by something else causes a sort of….. release of tension and anger.

Sometimes humans watch just to make themselves feel better that they aren’t in that situation or their life isn’t that bad.

In large groups, this is a way for humans to practice empathy and also socially bond with those round them

Q You said earlier that it was an important tool in defusing situations…. how does that work.

A Well that its a very good question and it comes with, what I think is the most interesting aspect of human humor.

IF you’re with your friends, and one of them runs face first into a pole, you may think it is funny, but it’s only funny if the person isn’t hurt, or a couple days after the incident when the person is fine. In both cases it is a way to demonstrate relief or test to see if the other person is ok. It can even be used to let others know that you're ok.

Human history is filled with some of the greatest and most horrible tragedies imaginable, and for every one of them you will be able to find jokes. Studies have shown that the use of humor is a proper and helpful outlet to the emotions that come with tragedy. You may hear a human say that there were only two options in a situation “It was either laugh or cry.” Both include the release of emotion which can be cathartic.

Assume there is a tense meeting between group of humans Violence is about to break out, but someone makes a joke. The atmosphere is diffused and social bonding occurs allowing the humans to be less hostile towards each other, and probably get something done.

In cases of humans who have experienced past trauma, I find that the healthiest, mentally healthiest, humans have a habit of making fun of the trauma. In many cases it helps them to cope with what happened and serves as a sign to let others know that they are doing ok.

Q And there are other types of humor as well?

A If I were to talk about all of them, we would be here all day. I think the important takeaway from this is that humans use humor primarily for reasons of social bonding. If a human thinks you are funny they are more likely to like you and more likely to be your friend. Even in human relationships, the funnier you are the more likely you are to find a mate, so to anyone planning to spend time with humans, I would recommend putting a great amount of focus and study into their humorous.

#humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are space oddities #humans are insane #humans are werid #earth is a deathworld #Earth is space Ausralia

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thepartyresponsible · 6 years ago

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here’s a short fic about jason todd encountering an undercaffeinated clint barton on a rooftop in new york. it’s exactly as romantic as it sounds.

Jason’s not even supposed to be in New York. He hates this town. It’s overcrowded with heroes, which means it’s overcrowded with bullshit and bad blood, and he can’t go two blocks without running face-first into someone else’s fuck-ups.

“I swear to God, Grayson,” he says, right into the comm, because he’s sick of this shit, and this isn’t his town, and, if he makes a mess here, it’ll get one-upped by morning. “I think the Punisher just took a potshot at me.”

“Doubt it,” Grayson says, sounding insultingly unconcerned. “Do you still have a face?”

“So far,” Jason says, “but I’m about five more minutes away from blowing this mask up myself.”

“Grumpy,” Grayson observes. He doesn’t seem to appreciate the favor Jason’s doing, meeting him all the way up here. Possibly because he’s been caught in some kind of ballerina boxing match with Daredevil for something like a quarter of an hour.

Jason would be less pissed about that if he didn’t have the sneaking suspicion Dick was planning to ask the Devil on a date afterwards.

“Next time we gotta swap bullshit alien tech,” Jason says, “we’re doing it in Jersey, as God intended. If I get murdered by an Avengers groupie, I’m gonna haunt your entire family for the next millennium.”

Dick hums back thoughtfully. “Yeah, I don’t think they call themselves groupies. I think they mostly call themselves SHIELD agents.”

“All I’m saying,” Jason says, as he shifts his weight on the new rooftop, scans the skyline for whoever shot at him a minute ago, “is nobody wears that much spandex unless they’re looking to get laid. They can call themselves a government agency if they want to, but if you put a zipper on the front of your fucking tactical jumpsuit--”

“Hey.”

The voice is soft, kinda scratchy, and it is most definitely not Grayson. When Jason turns, guns out, he finds himself confronted by a sleepy-eyed blonde in a t-shirt and purple boxers, with a cup of coffee in his hand and a case of bedhead that would shame Sleepy Beauty.

“Hey, man,” the guy continues, “are they shooting at you? Can you maybe get them to stop? It‘s pretty late, you know? It’s a school night. You really gotta do this now?”

Jason stares. “Oh, sorry, princess,” he says, at a loss. “I’ll just ask real nice for a raincheck and see how they take it, okay?”

“Cool,” the blonde says, like he’s agreeing to the terms. He rubs at his face and yawns. There’s a coffee stain down the front of his white t-shirt and a target drawn in shades of purple centered right over his heart.

Jason, because he’s feeling obliging, turns in the direction of shooter. “Hey, asshole,” he yells, “get fucked.”

He ducks down behind the brick wall, waits for the answering gunshot, and then looks up at the man, who hasn’t even blinked toward cover.

“Yeah,” Jason says, when the echoes from the gunfire have faded, “they said no.”

“Well, you didn’t ask right,” the blonde tells him. “Gotta use your manners.”

He shuffles over, barefoot on a New York City rooftop like someone who thinks lockjaw’s going to do him any favor on the dating scene, and stares blearily out into the city.

“Hey, yeah, excuse me,” he calls out, “could we do this during business hours, please? I got tenants with kids in the building.”

Jason leans over, hooks a hand around the guy’s ankle, and tugs him to the ground. The blonde folds neatly, scrambling for his coffee and somehow managing not to spill a single drop. He throws Jason an affronted look and then rolls his eyes as another gunshot rings out, bullet embedding itself in the roof access door.

“Aw, bullets,” he says, sounding persecuted. “I hate patching bullet holes.”

“You almost got a bullet hole in your face,” Jason tells him.

He hates this city. At least in Gotham people have the good sense to run from snipers.

“Got enough holes in my face,” the man says. He pats Jason consolingly on the knee. “I’ll handle this. Hold my coffee.”

He passes the cup to Jason, who takes it on instinct. “What the fuck,” Jason says. “Wil you stay down? Christ’s sake, I’ll just---”

Jason shuts himself up as the blonde picks a rock off the rooftop, tests its weight for a second, and then stands up, hurling the rock into the darkness.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jason says, incredulous.

Half a second later, there’s a scream from the roof across from them, and then a long, wailing cry that cuts off with the heavy thud of a body hitting pavement.

“Shoulda stuck to school hours,” the blonde says, alarmingly prosaic.

Jason scrambles to his feet. He stares down at the dead sniper on the sidewalk, looks up at the building across from them, and then down at the line of rocks around the perimeter of the roof. Now that he’s looking, it seems a weird place for a bunch of surprisingly large rocks to be.

“Did you fucking—did you put those there for home defense?”

The blonde shrugs. He takes his coffee out of Jason’s hands and swigs it back with the most enthusiasm Jason’s seen out of him so far. “Well, sometimes I forget my bow.”

Jason pauses. Blinks. Looks the blonde up and down, lingering over the way his shoulders fill out that t-shirt and the strong, defined muscles of his forearms.

“Holy shit,” Jason says, “are you Hawkeye?”

The blonde salutes him with his coffee cup. Coffee splashes over the brim of the mug and splatters all across his shirt. He sighs, heavily.

“Hawkeye,” Jason repeats, dubiously. “World’s Greatest Marksman? SHIELD agent? Avenger?”

“Yep,” Hawkeye says, brushing at the coffee stain like it’s dirt he can knock off. “You’re one of those Gotham guys?”

Jason stares at him. “Oh, nah,” he says, “I’m Power Girl.”

Hawkeye’s eyes go – incredibly and apparently unironically – right to Jason’s chest. He squints, seems to weigh it out in his head. “You don’t…” he says, slowly. “You don’t look like Power Girl.”

“Really,” Jason says. “Really? What gave me away?”

Hawkeye finishes off his coffee and then smiles at him, bright and smug and oddly sweet for a man who just dropped another guy off a ten-story building. “Power Girl’s blonde.”

“I could be blonde,” Jason says. “Under the helmet. How the hell would you know?”

“Red Helmet,” Hawkeye says, snapping his fingers. “That’s who you are.”

“Red Hood,” Jason corrects. He’d be offended, but, frankly, this guy didn’t even remember shoes. Or pants.

“Red Helmet would make more sense,” Hawkeye mumbles, mouth half-hidden behind his coffee mug.

Jason sighs. “Hey, Nightwing,” he says, activating the comm again. “Are you done playing grabass with Daredevil? Can we get this shit moving already? I’ve got places to be.”

“Oh, is that the blue guy?” Hawkeye asks, shuffling closer to him. He squints curiously into the street. “Don’t interrupt them. Devil’s been talking about him for weeks.”

“It is not—will you—I’m busy here,” Jason says, taking a pointed step away. “Nightwing,” he repeats, “I swear to God.”

“Busy,” Grayson says. He sounds a little breathless.

For a single, beautiful second, Jason’s actually worried about him, and then he hears what is almost definitely the Man Without Fear murmuring something that Jason never in his life needed to hear another person say to Dick Grayson.

“Oh my God,” Jason says. “Fuck’s sake, Nightwing, turn your Goddamn comm off.”

“You called me,” Nightwing says, and Jason yanks the comm out of his ear before he gets scandalized any further.

“Tried to warn you,” Hawkeye says, sounding smug again. He goes to take another drink of coffee, realizes all over again that he’s out, and then stares mournfully into his empty cup. “Oh,” he says, sounding personally betrayed.

“You try to help people,” Jason says. “You try to do the Golden Boy a favor. You come to this bullshit city, with all these bullshit people, and he leaves you on a roof so he can fuck around with a man who does Catholic church cosplay.”

Hawkeye gives him an encouraging pat on the shoulder. “Aw, c’mon,” he says. “The Devil’s okay. Bluebird could do much worse.”

“He’s not—Jesus Christ, Gotham is a day trip away, asshole, and Bludhaven’s even closer. The names aren’t hard. I’m Red Hood, and he’s Nightwing.”

Hawkeye shrugs with exactly the kind of agreeable unconcern that suggests he’s really not going to bother remembering. “I’m better with faces.”

“I find the helmet to be pretty fucking memorable,” Jason says.

Hawkeye gives him a considering look, eyes dragging from his helmet to his boots and then back up. “Too bad,” he says. “I was gonna invite you down for coffee, but you probably can’t drink it with the helmet on.”

Jason hesitates. God knows how long he’s going to be waiting around on this rooftop for Dick Grayson to remember he’s supposed to meet Jason and finish their latest round of Kryptonian tech swap. Coffee would be a welcome distraction.

Those forearms would be a welcome distraction.

Jason glances down at the sidewalk. There’s a bit of a ruckus now, probably because some poor bastard out for a late-night walk damn near tripped over the corpse. It’d probably be wise to get out of sight before the cops show up to do whatever song and dance they deem necessary in this neighborhood.

Anyway, he always wears a domino under the helmet.

He reaches up, goes through the whole complicated maneuver of removing the helmet, and, when he drops it into his hands, Hawkeye honest-to-God whistles at him and then flushes immediately pink.

“Oh shit,” he says, clutching his coffee cup to his chest. “I thought that was just gonna be in my head. Sorry. It’s real late, you know?”

Jason stares at him. Takes in the whole sleepy sight of him, from the blush on his cheeks to the soft spikey mess of his hair to the coffee-stained t-shirt and the bare skin of his feet. “And you’re Hawkeye,” he says, just to be absolutely certain. “SHIELD agent, super spy, best sniper in the world.”

“Yeah, man,” Hawkeye confirms. He reaches up to scrub at the back of his head, and it does absolutely nothing for his hair but the flex of his arms does something for Jason. “I just—normally people don’t speak to me until after I’ve had more than one cup of coffee.”

Jason shakes his head, not quite able to make the call between being charmed and being appalled. Maybe this city has its redeeming qualities after all.

“Okay,” he says. “C’mon, Hawkeye. Let’s get you more coffee.”

#writing #fic

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pass-the-bechdel · 5 years ago

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The Good Place full series review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

96% (forty-eight of fifty).

What is the average percentage of female characters with names and lines for the full series?

49%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Forty-four.

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 50% female?

Twenty-eight.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

Positive Content Status:

Good - you might even say, strong - in the sense that it’s all there, pretty much all of the big representation bells are ringing, particularly the ones for women and racial diversity. That said, the show is generally content to sit pretty and not push the envelope on inclusivity, so if you’re looking for inspiration in-text instead of just in casting, you might be disappointed. At any rate, it’s a solid feel-good time, and not likely to make you mad (average rating of 3.01).

Which season had the best representation statistics overall?

The numbers stay pretty consistent across the whole series, but if I had to call a winner, it’s season four, which has the highest percentage of female characters and the only above-average positive content rating (though that was awarded somewhat cumulatively, and so doesn’t feel particularly well-earned by that season above the others).

Which season had the worst representation statistics overall?

It’s such a close call, but season three must be the loser here by virtue of the lowest ratio of female to male characters; it also had one of the series’ two Bechdel fails. Like I said, it’s...a really close call.

Overall Series Quality:

There’s so much about it that is fresh and original and interesting, I wish I could love it more. After a magnificent debut season, the show suffers immensely for a lack of pacing and the absence of coherently-planned plot, and at times the stagnating characterisation and pointless filler caked into the cracks in the storytelling can be frustrating and/or tedious. I’m only as disappointed as I am because the potential for greatness was so strong. That said, even at it’s worst The Good Place is still entertaining, and most of it is better than that. It’s irreverent, it’s fun, it’s surprising, and sometimes it’s even as poignant as it is remarkable. I have my gripes, in droves, but that doesn’t mean this show is not worthy.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Imagine. Imagine a version of this show where the first season is basically the same, and the second season is...somewhat similar to how it is, but with more focus and direction, less time-wasting; a second season where figuring out that some fundamental change to their circumstances is necessary comes early, and instead of faffing about with ethical lessons in the fake neighbourhood again while Michael pretends he can get everyone to the Good Place, we get down to business with going on the run and into the Bad Place to find the judge and petition for help. Imagine this show, but the third season has none of that return to Earth crap, and instead, is the neighbourhood experiment from season four, properly fleshed out. And then season four is all about going to the Good Place and solving the problems there, addressing issues with the concept of utopia and the ineffectual bureaucracy of obsessive niceness (used for comedic effect in the actual show, but c’mon, there’s a whole untapped reservoir about morality there). Each season could have (gasp!) a properly-planned and plotted arc, dealing with a different school of ethical considerations, and I dunno, maybe the characterisation could have trajectory too, and the characters could vitally shape the storytelling, and maybe not get their personalities and experiences erased and rebooted over and over again, nullifying large swathes of the narrative which came before? Ideally, they could be reset zero (0) times, or at least have all their reboot experiences dumped back into them in the first few episodes of season two, so that they could proceed from there as whole people. Rebooting everyone’s personalities is not actually necessary to the plot in any way, and is, actually, incredibly detrimental to storytelling and especially, character development. Imagine this show, but just chilling out and actually telling a coherent story?

I am all the more annoyed by how things turned out on this show because I know that the four seasons were planned for, rather than being the result of cancellation; the idea that the creators sat down and ‘plotted’ (using that term loosely) to make this mess drives me a little wild. The (attempted) avoidance of the dreaded ‘stagnation’ seems obvious, and it leads to major narrative shortcuts and jumps and instances where the show spends an episode or two on what should have been a half-season’s development, minimum, and yet at other times all momentum grinds to a halt for a bizarre bottle-type episode where the characters just talk about a concept for a while or work on some unimportant romantic subplot. The various ethical concepts that the show heavily incorporated as its bread and butter in the first season start to stick out like sore thumbs in season two, seemingly wedged into one episode or another for no real reason other than just to be there, and the fact that the show lets go of the idea of moral choices in the life mattering at all in the end leaves the backbone of the show in a very strange shape. I said in the season four review that I didn’t expect the show to come up with some One True Answer about how people should live their lives, but that I was baffled by the fact that the show side-stepped that altogether; what I expected them to conclude was something in the line of ‘we recognise that life is complicated, not all situations are created equal, and it can be hard to know how to proceed ethically or even to access ethical options within one’s circumstances. Still, it is important to do your best, not only for yourself but for your community, because the more good you put into the world, the more there will be to go around and come back to you. What matters most is that you are doing your best with what you’ve got’. The fact that the show distracted itself with fixing how the afterlife rewards people within the afterlife means that it suggests no incentive to perform moral actions in life, and frankly...who gives a fuck? The real world is the place we’re all living in, and there’s no point starting a conversation about morality in real life if the conclusion is just ‘guess we’ll straighten out all the fascists and bigots and the other pieces of shit after they die, so don’t worry, everyone gets to Heaven eventually!’

Anyway, if that seems like just a reiteration of what I said in the season four review, well. I’m still baffled by it. The other thing I was going to talk about in the season four review but held for the full series instead was that one big thing that I have railed about all the time since season one, and that’s PACING. For all ye wannabe-writers out there, please understand how important pacing is. Even vital plot or character beats can seem like meaningless filler in a poorly-paced story, because your audience’s mind is hardwired to try and follow narrative cues that are being incomprehensibly muddled. Standard structure can be played with, but if you toss it out in favour of ‘stuff just happens, ok? Except when it doesn’t’, you just end up with a soup of disconnected story ideas, and nothing threading it together. Character interactions and especially developments can help to create the through-line you need to keep the story functioning despite itself, but as variously noted with The Good Place...initial characterisation? Strong, excellent. Development? Not so much, not least because they kept getting deleted and rebooted. Also, time skips kept happening, and that’s a great way to fuck over your narrative coherence even more: remove the recognisable constant we call time! It’ll be fine! As with all things, it is perfectly possible to play around with this stuff, but you have to know what you’re doing and be doing it for a good reason, and that’s not what they had going on here. This was narrative soup, and when you have a soup, the pieces all kinda meld together and lose any individual purpose, meaning, or power they may have had. The result in this case was not bad, but it really could have been so much better, and literally all it needed for that was some attention being paid to the story structure via pacing.

So. The good news is, I think I have pretty well exhausted all of my complaints by now, and that leaves us with the good stuff, of which there was no paltry amount. The show was not a hit by accident (even if I do feel that it’s success had a lot to do with people sticking around after the spectacular first season, and not because it stayed strong throughout), and even if there was a lot of soup going on, what comprised that soup was all really fun and unique, and this made for a wonderful piece of light-hearted television that could be as hilarious as it was insightful. It still had a lot of great takes on things, the commentary was strong (even if it pulled all its punches towards the end), and whether the storytelling was ebbing or flowing, it was always delightful. The show also managed to pull a miraculous finale out of its hat, and that’s a rare thing in television; however the story wobbled over the course, the ending provided enough satisfaction to forgive just about any sins, especially if you don’t happen to have been watching with a deliberately critical eye. Do I wish that Eleanor got to hook up with a chick on-screen some time instead of just making a lot of bi remarks? Yes. Do I consider the show to have queerbaited instead of providing genuine rep? No. Is the underselling of the queer content my most significant representation complaint? Yes, it is, and that's good news considering the world we live in and the dearth of quality representation that the industry has brought us to expect.

There's an important distinction to be made there, regarding the tokenistic representation that is very common these days in tv trying for brownie points and good publicity, exactly that kind of 'political' inclusivity that conservatives are always bitching about. It should not be surprising that I support that tokenism over the alternative of having no representation at all, but it can still be quite disheartening to feel like your identity or the identities that you value are being referenced as nothing more than an opportunity for some shitty producer to perform wokeness for attention, praise, and the almighty dollar. I bring this up because - even though The Good Place never really worked up much of a boost to its content rating - one thing I felt that it did really, really right was providing representation without it feeling tokenistic at all. Eleanor's bisexuality wasn't as prominent as I might have preferred, and as noted through the course of the show, there were times I feared it was more bait than real rep, but reflecting on it at the end, the way it was included feels organic, it never gets in the way in order to ensure the audience notices and is dutifully impressed. The number of women around and the multicoloured casting plays out even better; I never once felt cynical about the gender balance I was seeing, and I've said it before but I'll say it again: the fact that the show was packed with names from across the world gives me so much life. I'm still a little salty about Chidi's Senegalese origins getting the shaft (and we won't talk about 'Australia'), but the nonchalant diversity of naming goes such a long way to embracing the idea that this is a world for everyone (and an afterlife for everyone, too). And where anything else might fall apart or lose its way, that is an affirming thing. If you want feel-good tv, it’s here. This is the Good Place.

#The Good Place #full series review #Bechdel Test #female representation

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