#there’s so many similar shades of brown hair it was so hard to pick but i THINK i got it

[hogwartslegacypics]

Sebastian practicing his flying skills for Quidditch!

[starlight-shades]

Called Home to the Depths of the Forest Ch. 6

• summary – Another trip to town. We meet some people we don't like.

• rating – M

• wordcount – 3.5k

• warnings – mentions of previous character deaths

• This is my first fanfic, so please let me know if there's anything I forgot to tag. Feedback is welcome and encouraged

Read on Ao3

Ch. 1 Ch. 5 Ch 7.

”Well we’re obviously going to have to get clothes that fit them,” Johnny said, breaking the silence that stretched between them.

Ailsa and Duncan were happily munching away at their breakfast (eaten at the table with utensils for the first time), positively drowning in the t-shirts Simon and Johnny had pulled out of their own dresser for them.

“I don’ want any dresses,” Ailsa declared.

She was cute, Simon thought. Her dirty blonde hair was haphazardly tied back as best they could manage with a strip of leather he had managed to scrounge up.

When he had first woken up, he had been surprised to find two small, very human, children staring at him. Her familiar honey-brown eyes were one of the first things to settle his racing heart. He might not have recognized them immediately, but he knew them.

Ailsa and Duncan both had a splash of freckles across their faces. Where Ailsa had blonde hair a similar shade to his, Duncan’s hair was a rich dark brown, long enough to be shaggy, but not so long that he could tie it back like his sister’s. They were both cute.

In their too-big shirts, wearing gym shorts cinched as tight as they would go, the pups looked every bit the foundlings they were.

“Okay, we won’t get any dresses,” Simon reassured her. “Is there anything else we should get while we’re in town? Do you normally go to school? Should we get you some school supplies?”

“Can I have a book like Johnny’s?” she asked.

“We’re not big enough for school yet,” Duncan said before they could answer his sister, speaking up for the first time. He sounded like he was parroting someone else’s words. Simon’s heart ached for what that meant.

“Yeah, we can get you a sketchbook, but I think Si was talking more along the lines of things for kindergarten. How old are you two?” Johnny asked.

“We’re five,” Duncan answered at the same time Ailsa said “We’re this many” holding up her hand with all five fingers outstretched.

“Okay, we’ll get clothes and a sketchbook for Ailsa. Duncan, bug, do you want anything?” Simon asked, on a mission now.

He stared down at the table, obviously thinking very hard, his face scrunched. Then, after a moment, voice soft, he said “Can I have more orange juice, please?”

It had been a few weeks since his last foray into town. They had gotten better about managing their supplies, supplementing their groceries with whatever they could catch or forage.

Every few weeks was still much more frequent than Simon was used to, and he had gotten comments about it every time he had been seen by one of the old biddies. He was not looking forward to whatever comments they would receive this time.

Duncan had shifted back into his wolf-shape not long after they left, but he had insisted on staying with them on their trip to town. Simon had had to put his foot down when Johnny tried to use the baby backpack again, but it was agreed that he had to wear something to indicate he belonged with them.

“Okay Bug, do you want to pick a collar, or do you want me to grab one real fast?” Simon asked, pulling into the parking lot of the tiny pet supply store in town. He looked back at Duncan in the rearview mirror.

“This paw for pick your own, the other for Si picking one,” Johnny added, leaning over the center console to reach into the back seat, tapping each of his paws in turn.

“I wanna come in too,” Ailsa announced, squirming in her car seat (he had had to special order those—another awkward conversation when he came to pick them up from the post office).

“I guess we’re all going in, then,” Johnny said, turning to arch a brow at Simon who just shrugged in response.

When Duncan affirmed he wanted to pick his collar, they all filed out of the vehicle, Johnny quick to unbuckle a wiggling, impatient Ailsa who immediately glued herself to her brother’s side when she was placed back on her own two feet. With one hand buried in the fur on his scruff, she walked them over to Simon’s side, sliding her free hand into his. Johnny completed their line, coming to stand beside Duncan who pressed back into him.

They were as ready as they were going to be, but they stood as a united front.

Simon had only been inside the store once before when he had first bought supplies for the pups, but it was still small enough that he had a general idea of where things were. The options were limited, and in the end Duncan chose one with a thick green band.

“Wait, can I have one too? I want to match,” Ailsa said, quieter than she had been previously. She fidgeted with her hands, not looking at either of them.

“Which one do you want, darling?” Johnny asked her, taking one of her hands and pulling her closer to the rack of dog collars. He had a pained look on his face as she picked out a bright purple one.

With the two collars (and the matching leashes) in hand, they set their purchases on the counter.

“Sir, your dog needs to be on a leash,” the cashier hesitantly informed them when they went to check out.

Simon just wordlessly slipped the collar on Duncan and clipped the leash on. Three of them silently stared at the cashier until he folded, handing Simon his receipt. Ailsa bared her teeth at him, letting out a child’s approximation of a growl as they walked away.

On the way out, Ailsa spotted that they had a machine that engraved tags, and she insisted they had to get the one shaped like a paw print.

“Cuz we’re woofs,” she explained, very much like a professor giving a lecture with her matter-of-fact tone.

Johnny and Simon both nodded solemnly.

“But does that mean you’re gonna wear one too?” Johnny had asked.

Simon shot him a look. Why would he suggest that when he was always so insistent that they were not dogs? God forbid Simon buy dog shampoo because he wanted something that wouldn’t irritate their skin, but Johnny suggests they get matching dog tags?

“You’re right! You need one too. And Simon should have one, but he’s not a woof.” Her little face scrunched up very much like her brothers as she thought. She stared at the options again. Duncan jumped up to look too, pressing his paws to the machine, pushing too many buttons at once that had it beeping in protest.

“It’s alright, I don’t need one,” Simon reassured them, gently guiding Duncan back to the floor. When he whined in protest, he scooped the pup up, balancing him on his hip so he could still look with his sister.

“But me and Duncan and Johnny are getting one. You need one too.”

“You can’t argue with that logic, Si,” Johnny agreed.

Simon just glared at him. He only grinned wider.

He opened his mouth to snap something at the other man, but before he could Ailsa squealed.

“There’s a pink one, Simon! You need that one because you turn pink sometimes.”

“Wait—“

“You’re so smart, a bhobain,” Johnny praised, interrupting him before he could even protest. He put his money into the machine too quickly for Simon to even think about stopping him.

They walked out in the same line that they walked in, but this time they all had the glint of metal at their throats. The trip had left them relatively unscathed, which Simon was grateful for, but he knew the real trial would be clothes shopping.

He was quickly proven correct when they were waylaid almost immediately after entering the store.

“Simon, dearie!”

When he saw who it was, he closed his eyes for a moment, praying for patience.

Three older women toddled over to them, practically frothing at the mouth to be the ones to provide fresh gossip. For all intents and purposes, they were identical to him, always traveling in a swarm.

He grunted in greeting as they descended.

If it were anyone else, they would move on immediately after hearing the tone of his voice. But these ladies were different. They were worse than everyone else. They were the garden club…

“Oh Simon, who is this precious bairn?”

“What a beautiful dog! Almost looks like a wolf, don’t you think?”

“Are you watching them?”

They fired question after question at him, not pausing for him to answer. Duncan let out a whine, and Ailsa shrank back, clinging to Johnny’s leg.

“Who do they belong to?”

“And who is this dashing gentleman?”

“Aren’t you just darling?”

When one of them reached to pinch Ailsa’s cheek, she growled at the offending hand, almost biting the fingers.

“You little beastie!” she shrieked, yanking her hands out of reach.

Johnny scooped Ailsa up, tucking her head into his neck. Duncan started growling, hackles raised.

“Oi, hands to yerself,” he sneered.

“Why, I—“

Simon slid himself in front of his little squadron, shielding them from sight.

“Simon, you need to reign in your—whatever they are!”

“She needs to be taught manners!”

“And you, young man, should have some respect!”

The biddies tittered at him, but he was unmoving.

“I think you should leave us to our shopping,” he said, voice low.

They gasped, looking shocked and offended, but he couldn’t care less. They had scared his pups. The biddies retreated, and he moved, staying in front of Johnny, Duncan, and Ailsa until they were gone.

It might have been a sharp escalation from an outside perspective, but he knew that today was already incredibly stressful for the children without introducing any scary old ladies.

They make it to the children’s clothing section before they’re intercepted again.

“Simon?” A young woman approaches them slowly. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” she said, not unkindly.

“Mary,” he says. This one he will tolerate, but not for long, he thinks as Ailsa reaches for him from Johnny’s arms.

“You have a daughter?” Mary asks, clearly bewildered as she watches him take Ailsa from Johnny.

She looks even more shocked when after Duncan paws at Johnny’s chest to be picked up too, he’s scooped up in much the same way as his sister.

Simon didn’t answer her question, just grunted.

“Mary, this is Johnny. Johnny, Mary.”

“You can call me John.”

When he doesn’t expand, she rushed out, “My mother tried to set us up, but um, obviously it didn’t work.”

“Oh,” Johnny said, an odd edge to his voice.

“And who’s the wee one?” she asks, smiling at Ailsa, but luckily not reaching out.

Simon looks down at her, and when she tucks her face into his neck, he feels his chest warm. She’s right to feel secure with him. He would kill to keep her safe.

“She’s my pup,” he says, letting Mary assume he means “kid.”

The silence settles awkwardly between them. Before she breaks it again.

“Oh well, it was nice seeing you and your partner. Good to meet you, John,” she said, sounding genuine.

Partner?

Without even thinking about it, Simon’s eyes darted to Johnny, who apparently had the same reaction. His face flamed.

“See? Pink,” Ailsa whispered to him, resting her little palm on his cheek.

“What do you think of these?” he asks her, abruptly changing the subject as fast as he could by redirecting her attention back to the task at hand.

Somehow, they manage to pick out enough clothes for both Duncan and Ailsa, getting a few looks when they asked Duncan to pick things he liked. Eventually, they made their way out, dropping off the bags at the car before making one last stop at Simon’s go-to bakery.

Ailsa squealed when she saw the little storefront. It was bright yellow with wide windows and a faded blue sign hung above the door proclaiming it “Sweetie’s.” They were greeted by the scent of vanilla and fresh-baked cookies when Simon pushed open the door, holding it open for all of them.

The pups made a beeline for the display case at the counter, with a broad selection on view. Small hands pressed against the glass, doubtlessly leaving smudges, but they weren’t nearly as bad as the marks left by Duncan’s nose. Simon thanked whatever powers that be had left the store mostly deserted aside from one man who sat at a table, typing away at a laptop.

“You can have one each,” he instructed them. When he saw Johnny standing with them, staring longingly at the baked goods alongside the children. Simon sighed fondly. “You can have one too,” he teased.

“Awa’ an bile yer heid,” Johnny retorted, smiling that grin that left him feeling adrift.

“English, MacTavish.”

“I’ll tell you later, it’s not something for wee ears,” he chuckled, tousling Ailsa’s hair.

“Simon!” the man behind the counter exclaimed as they approached the register.

“Si, do you know everyone in town?” Johnny asked, bumping him with his elbow.

He rolled his eyes. “Hi, Peter.”

The middle aged man laughed, a big-bellied sound. “Oh, he just knows the good ones,” he whispered like it was a secret, shooting Johnny a wink.

“I’ll get my usual, and whatever they want.”

“Anything for Janet?” Peter asked.

“Not this time. What do you want, love?” Simon directed the question at Ailsa who had once again attached herself to his leg as soon as a new person was introduced.

“That one,” she mumbled to him, pointing with her finger. “Duncan wants that one.”

“Alright, those two. Johnny?”

“I’ll have one of those big shortbread cookies you’ve got there.”

“Good lad,” Peter said with an approving nod in Johnny’s direction. His face changed, like something had just occurred to him. “Say, Simon, you live up out there in the woods? Detective!” he called to the only other person in the bakery.

He felt his stomach drop, but he couldn’t stop it from happening.

When the man looked up, Peter gestured to Simon. “This lad is up by where you were looking for your missing hunters!”

“Is that right?” the detective spoke as he pushed himself up.

He was a lanky fellow with an unremarkable face. His hair was a dull blonde and his eyes were a watery blue, set deep in his face. The clothes he wore were wrinkled, his shirt stained in a spot or two, and his pants a size too small for his frame.

Ghost had long ago grown out of the expectation that he could overpower someone with brute strength, having quickly learned not to underestimate anyone based on appearances. But he knew without a doubt that he could rip this man’s throat out with his teeth. He was a threat to him and his.

“Detective Constable Collins,” he said, showing them an ID badge. “I’m investigating the disappearance of a few men who were up here hunting a couple weeks ago.”

Simon grunted, pulling Ailsa closer to him. Johnny was silent at his side, one hand on Duncan’s head, the other on Ailsa’s.

“You live up in the woods, you say?” Collins asked.

“I do.” His answers were short.

“He’s up by the old game trails,” Peter supplied, clearly wanting to be helpful.

“Did you come across these three men in the past few weeks?” Collins pulled out what appeared to be ID photos of the hunters.

When Ghost looked at them, all he could picture was the glee with which they had murdered Duncan and Ailsa’s parents. Their laughter echoed in his mind, quickly swallowed by the sound of their screams as he killed them.

“No.”

“Are you sure?” he pressed.

Ailsa snarled at the detective, her whole face contorted. To Simon’s horror, her eyes flashed a brighter gold for a moment. Reacting quickly, Johnny scooped her up, pressing her face into his neck, rubbing soothing circles on her back. Duncan moved to take her place at Ghost’s side. Collins’s attention lingered on her for far longer than was comfortable.

“With all due respect,” Ghost began to redirect his attention, with no actual respect intended, “I would prefer not to have this conversation now.”

Collins’ demeanor shifted. Where before he had been mostly polite, now his shoulders were tense. He held himself more stiffly, straightening to his full height (he didn’t even reach Ghost’s chin), meeting his eyes again.

“Well, we can discuss this back at the police station.”

“I apologize, sir,” he spoke, his voice level. He had trained for interrogations far worse than this. “We really have to get home.”

“I’ll need to note your information down.” There was a thinly veiled threat in Collins’ voice.

Reluctantly, Ghost handed over his ID. Johnny had to shift Ailsa to dig out his wallet and hand his over when Collins held out a hand for his. Duncan let out a whine. The detective studied the pup for another too-long moment before looking back at Ailsa.

“And this is your child?” he asked.

“Yes,” he lied easily.

Collins stared at him, glancing back at her in Johnny’s arms.

Before he could ask anything else, Ghost collected their order from Peter.

“Any further questions can be asked at another time. It’s time for her nap, so we really need to get home.”

The detective narrowed his eyes. “You’ll be hearing from me.”

Ghost could feel Collins’ eyes on them as they left the bakery. He refused to hurry, not wanting to make him even more suspicious, but his instincts were screaming at him to get them away away away.

As soon as the back door of the car was open, Duncan darted inside, curling up on the floor. Ailsa, trembling in Johnny’s arms, shifted, letting out a heart-wrenching cry as she practically dove to huddle with her brother.

Johnny climbed into the backseat with them, curling around them as best he could, and Simon desperately wanted to join them, but he needed them safe more.

The bag from the bakery was discarded in the passenger seat as he drove them home.

Their interaction with D.C. Collins set back any progress Duncan and Ailsa had made. What had started out as a day to celebrate had turned sour.

The pups had barely eaten dinner, not even interested in their treats from Sweetie’s. All they had wanted to do was curl up in the bedroom. Simon and Johnny couldn’t get them into the bed. They had chosen instead to cuddle together in the corner of the room.

Sighing, Simon grabbed the comforter from the bed along with their favorite plushes and tucked them in on the floor.

When he looked back at Johnny, he could see the man’s emotions plain on his face. He was devastated at how their day had ended. Simon was too.

“I need to make a call, can you stay with them?” he spoke softly, squeezing Johnny’s hand when he didn’t look at him.

“Aye, I can.”

Simon nodded, but as he turned away, Johnny pulled him back by his hand.

“Come back quick,” he murmured, “We need you.”

“I will,” he whispered.

He left the room as Johnny shifted, the big brown wolf curled around the pups in their makeshift bed on the floor.

It broke his heart to leave them there, but he needed to ensure their safety. He didn’t like the way Collins had asked about his girl.

The line rang three times before it was picked up. It was a voice he hadn’t ever expected to hear again.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

“Ghost. Can’t say I thought I’d be hearing from you.”

“I need you to get me some documents.”

He could hear the steel hardening in her voice. “What do you need?”

“Adoption papers.”

The line was silent.

“Kate?”

“You need to tell me everything.”

He was exhausted when he returned to the bedroom. As he looked at the pile of wolves in the corner, he debated if he should get into the bed. Johnny, as if hearing Simon’s thoughts, lifted his head and made a chuffing noise at him.

So without further thought, he joined them on the floor, making a brief detour to grab some more pillows from the bed. He settled in, molding his body around the sleeping pups at his side.

How quickly his life had shifted to revolve around them. He had no regrets.

Johnny moved closer to him, nudging him into his side where Duncan and Ailsa had situated themselves. He laid gentle licks across Simon’s face, down his hair, across his shoulders.

Simon sputtered when Johnny’s wolf-y saliva got in his mouth.

“I’m here, you big mutt,” he muttered, pushing Johnny’s muzzle away, and instead burying his hand in Johnny’s thick fur on his neck.

Johnny huffed.

Sleep did not come easily, but it came for them all.

[musecaravan-info]

Cath

"We each survive in our own way." ~ Sarah J. Maas ~

Basic Information

FACE/BODY CLAIM: Colin Farrell

AGE: Born around 750 CE, his human appearance looks to be in the mid to late 30's

EYES: So dark brown they're almost black

HAIR: Dark brown, but peppered with gray; his hair is almost shoulder length and always manages to look 'ruffled'; he also usually has a goatee

HEIGHT: 5'10

PRIMARY OUTFIT: One word --> 'Class' - Cath always looks his best and is always in name brand items. Think high-class business casual. He also likes jewelry, so he's never without a ring or two, a necklace, and a pair of tasteful earrings.

Personality

Cath is a lot like the perception people have of cats - aloof, charismatic, and more than a little sly - the kind of person who you might feel is always trying to ‘pull one over on you’ even if he’s not. He's got a silver tongue, and chances are your muse won't be sure at first if he's charmingly harmless, or coolly dangerous. He likes attention... sometimes. But other times he'd prefer to just be left alone. He's also a bit fickle with his wants, generally making himself hard to read. Although very much a ‘what’s in it for me’ kind of guy, Cath does have his own set of morals. Certain things might convince him to take on a charity case… but good luck figuring out what those things are.

Abilities

Transformation - Cath can transform into a cat… but not just ANY cat. He can transform into ALL of them. He’s always a shade of black so dark he looks like shadows, but if you pick a cat (living or extinct) he can shift into it.

Magic - As Morgan le Fey was dying she transferred the last of her power into an amulet which Cath now wears around his neck. He can sometimes tap into it and use her powers for his own, but he doesn’t do it on a regular basis. As a familiar, he also has his own magic which he uses for doing small things like lighting fires or calling small objects to him.

Smooth-talker - Cath is very good at convincing people of things when he feels like doing so. It’s a little like a jedi mind trick - people can and do still say no… but usually only if they have a very good reason to keep their minds from straying.

Weaknesses

Witches - While he’d be loathe to admit it, Cath IS a familiar at heart. As much as he might not WANT a new witch, that doesn’t mean he’s not drawn to them (male or female); it’s in his nature. The battle for him is a powerful one, but he’s aided somewhat by Morgan’s amulet.

Romance

Cath likes to have fun. If your muse does, too, and he likes what he sees, that’s really all it takes to get him into bed. An actual relationship takes a little more time and a LOT more trust, but it’s possible. He’s not someone to press if it seems like his advances aren’t wanted. If your muse tells him to back off he will with no hard feelings, but if they goad him, they might be in for a night (or day) they'll never forget.

Where to Find Him

Cath hunts out the desperate - the people with nowhere left to turn. So, really, he can be found almost anywhere. He sniffs them out and then tries to make a deal. You won’t have to sell him your soul - he’s not a demon, after all - but you might find his ‘prices’ to be… unconventional.

Verses

Just because a verse isn't listed here doesn't mean I'm not interested in writing it. I adore all kinds of AUs, and welcome the chance to get creative with my muses. If you've seen a verse that another of my muses has, and you'd like to see this muse in something similar, let me know. You can also check out my 'Plot Ideas' tag, too. ^_^

Main Verse:

Once upon a time (in a kingdom not so far away) Cath was the favored familiar of one Morgan le Fey. Some of the stories about him are true… some aren’t. But you won’t get him to tell you which ones. He served his mistress faithfully and willingly for many centuries. However, now that her death has freed him of those bonds, he has no desire to aid another magic-user in her stead. She was his as equally as he was hers, and Cath can’t see anyone ever replacing her. These days he works freelance - using his magic to work the Black Market to his advantage. If you need it, Cath can get it for you. If the price is right.

Current/Ongoing Threads

If your thread with Cath isn't listed here it's probably because it's been long enough since your last reply that I thought you'd dropped it. Message me to let me know you're still interested, and I'll happily add you to the list (with no pressure for a reply.) ♡

None at the Moment

Your Thread Here!

Stuff That's Good to Know Before Starting a Thread

Things Cath Can Do For You (For a Price):

Need someone watched? Discreetly? Cath’s the best of the best.

Want something? Anything? If it’s got a physical form, Cath can make it happen.

Have something to sell? Something shady? He’ll find you a buyer.

Need to disappear? Erase yourself? No one will find you once Cath’s through.

Need dirt on someone? Information? He’ll give you more than you ever wanted to know.

Links

Please keep in mind, this blog is an ongoing work in progress. Not all of these links may lead somewhere, but they're here because they link to potential tags for this muse.

All Things Cath

Headcanons

Drabbles

All Threads

Ask Replies

Meme Replies

Aesthetics

Face

Special Links

Original Blog

Return To Full Muse List

[stayevildarling]

Wilhemina Venable x Reader- When the time is right - Pt 3

Part 1, Part 2

word count: 5.3k

warnings: mention of scoliosis, feeling sick, dizziness, angst + fluff at the end

A/N: Part 3, Reader and Venable finally having the conversation that needs to take place and understanding and learning the truth about what happened.

Taglist:

@lunaticwhittaker, @billiebeanhoward, @mrsdeanhoward, @okpaulson, @in-cordelias-coven, @kenzbro, @twistedpoeticjustice, @minaslittleone, @vintagepaulson, @ninaahs, @whitelotus00, @httpfiftyshadesofgay, @talulahmae, @cordeliass

Tossing and turning in bed, you try and ignore the massive headache, responsible for your slightly blurred vision and the ringing in your ears. The last few days had been spent in bed, feeling awful as if some kind of force had rippled its way through your body, causing this exhaustion within you.

Maybe it was the flu or some similar infection your body was fighting at the moment or maybe it was caused by something entirely different. Maybe it had been the events of this past week, reuniting with Wilhemina randomly as if it was fate or the encounter with her just a day after. It had been a week since now, a week of fighting your way out of bed every morning, fighting your way to the office every day, pretending it didn't take its toll on you, pretending she wasn't still present in every single thought or dream. Your body gave up eventually, not managing to go in yesterday as it felt like you might pass out if you had to leave your bed. As a result, you called into work sick, feeling guilty as you usually would, always caring more about not letting others down and performing well.

Feeling the urge to use the bathroom, you slowly get out of bed, ignoring the blurry vision and sick feeling in your stomach. As you walk past the kitchen, you realize the feeling is probably due to the fact you had abandoned any thought of food or staying hydrated in the last few days, not feeling like it and at the same time not having enough energy to either. It feels like there is this source of pain in your body somewhere, near your chest area, causing this deep sadness within you. In the past, there had often been days like these, days you felt physically sick from the aching in your heart, the busy thoughts in your head causing throbbing pain that would keep you from performing well and giving it your best every single day.

As you stand by the sink, the cold water coming into contact with your shaky hands, you look up and your breath hitches a little at the reflection in the mirror. It's not the paleness of your skin, lacking any kind of light or color, or the bags under your eyes, a sign of the lack of sleep. It's the image of a broken girl, once a smile so bright it could fill the whole world and rid it of its ugly sides. All that vanished, pain taking over and grief, grief for a love you once felt and the feeling it gave you, sadness and loneliness and longing at the same time. Shaking the thoughts away, you slowly make your way back towards the bedroom, not planning to leave it for the rest of the day either, as you feel drained and tired. With shaky hands you reach for the bottle of water on your nightstand, letting the cool liquid run down your throat and at least soothe the dryness and hydrate your body a little.

Just as you are about to lie down, falling back into the same habit, curling up in bed, pulling the blanket over your head as if it could shield you from the outside world and harsh reality, you hear something. A quiet knock. For a second you debate whether you heard it wrong, after all, it must be late in the evening now, considering it was dark as you passed the window, the moonlight shining brightly and igniting the dark apartment. In your slightly dizzy and confused state, you slowly make your way out of bed again, thinking maybe it isn't actually evening and maybe early morning and it being the mail or your landlord. As you take slow and steady steps, ignoring the pain, you failed to acknowledge the indication who is waiting by your door. The tapping of a cane and a second impatient knock as you missed the first one, after being in the bathroom moments ago.

Opening the door, your eyes instantly close as the bright ceiling lights of the hallway blind you momentarily, still keeping you in the dark about who is standing in front of you. In fact, standing in front of you is the same woman that has been on your mind for the past two years, including the past week after reuniting with her and just moments ago, as you washed your hands. The redhead never quite left your mind in the first place, however, you never expected to see her again after your last interaction, let alone her standing by your apartment in the middle of the night.

''Y/N'' her voice startles you, causing your eyes to abruptly open, ignoring the pain the light causes and for your heart's beat to instantly pick up the pace, matching the woman standing in front of you, her own anxiety high, even though you could never tell as she wouldn't let anyone notice or in.

You scan her features, two hands balancing and at the same time gripping around her cane, her facial features stern and cold, matching her demeanor. She is wearing an alike outfit to the one you met her in last, although you can't fail to acknowledge the light purple tie. Your mind instantly wanders to many flashbacks, many mornings spent helping your ex-girlfriend getting ready for work and helping her with her tie as she used to look like a dork when doing it herself and you doing it for her in the end. Even though she learned it eventually, watching you do it every morning, it became your little habit, Wilhemina lovingly watching you as you helped her adjust the tie, the same little loving smile on her face and her brown eyes looking into your soul. You felt nervous every single time, averting her gaze as it caused your heart to beat uncontrollably and the butterflies in your stomach to show every single morning.

''Aren't you going to invite me in?'' her voice rips you out of your thoughts yet again, unable to react at first, as her presence and the fact she is standing right outside your door, comes as a shock, like a slap from reality.

Your throat goes dry, breath hitching slightly but you try and focus regardless. ''Of - of course'' you say, trying hard to get the words out, before opening the door a little further and letting her walk inside. Taking a step towards you, you take a step back, allowing her to enter your home.

The redhead scans your apartment for a moment, never having been here before and until about a week ago, having no idea you actually live in the same city. Internally scolding yourself, for not keeping the place tidy over the last few days, you lead the way into the living room and towards the sofa, knowing it's clean in there.

Wilhemina follows you, scanning every aspect of your home carefully, not allowing herself to smile at all the little details she had missed in her life for the time you had been separated. For instance, the little accessories and details, colors perfectly matching, furniture carefully picked, making the apartment cozy and comfortable. Wilhemina's thoughts wander to her own home these days, that same lightness and feeling of comfort lacking as it is entirely decorated in dark shades and hardly any personal details or additions, matching the feelings hidden deep beneath the woman's walls.

Suddenly, Wilhemina halts in the middle of the hallway, her eyes noticing the photo in the frame instantly. It's a portray of your side profile, laughing and smiling, overlooking a hill and suddenly the redhead gets hit by her own memories and emotions as she remembers that day so clearly, before everything had changed. She took you on a picnic to the park, as a surprise after getting promoted in the department you both worked in. She was so proud of you, insisting on taking you there and after seeing how you kept admiring the hill and talking about what a beautiful view it must be from up there, she ignored her back pain and walked up there with you. And it was worth it in the end, the view making up for the aching in her spine, you overlooking the city, the many buildings, and skylines as well as the river. However, no view could ever be better than the one right in front of her, you, her little sunshine at the time smiling brightly and causing for the redhead to feel the same familiar tingles in her heart, whenever she used to be near you.

''Wilhemina?'' this time you are the one startling her, pulling her out of her own thoughts as she snaps out of it, focussing her attention back onto you. For a second you thought you saw her eyes watering as if she was trying to fight tears but that couldn't be true. You point towards the sofa and explain ''Please sit, would you like some water?''. The redhead meets your gaze, nodding and you walk past her, making your way into the kitchen.

While the redhead sits down, inspecting your apartment a little further, you walk into the kitchen, still unsure whether this is a dream after all. Grabbing a tray, two glasses, and a bottle of water, you make your way back into the living room and for a moment you find yourself halting too. Looking at the redhead, sitting on your sofa, the moonlight shining through your apartment, the only light source other than the lamp in the corner. The white light ignites her features perfectly, her side profile looking perfect as ever, the darker hair and clothes long forgotten as her cheekbones, eyes, and mouth are so familiar. She seems familiar, yet at the same time so far away.

Snapping out of it, you walk over to her, not realizing that her presence is indeed causing your own anxiety to reach its peak point and only adding to the way you felt before she arrived. You set the tray down and pour two glasses, handing her one, trying to stop your hands from shaking. However, the redhead instantly notices, her eyes wandering from your hand holding the glass, to your face, only for the first time tonight noticing how pale you are.

''Y/N are you feeling quite alright?'' she asks, before retrieving the glass and setting it back down on the table. ''I heard you called in sick at work'' she explains, her voice now showing clear signs of concern.

At this moment it hits you, the question that never occurred to you when finding her in front of your own front door ''How does she know your address?''. Her statement only adds to your confusion, had she been at your work? did she call in to check on you? why is she here in the first place?. All these questions only add to your state, the pain in your head becoming more excruciating by the minute and black spots now clouding your vision.

''Sit down'' Wilhemina demands, being able to tell how unwell you are, after all, she had been the person caring and loving you for an entire year, not to mention knowing you before then. She quickly stands up, ignoring her back as she realizes your body just barely holding itself in place. Your fragile body gently collapses forward, your forehead hitting Wilhemina's shoulders, her hands instantly reaching for your arms, holding you in place. ''Y/N'' she repeats, the concern visible in her voice.

All you remember, before everything goes dark, is two hands steadily, grip around your arms, and helping you onto the sofa. Two hands, reaching for your legs and a soft fabric covering your body, before your head was met with a soft surface. As sleep finally consumes you, the exhaustion from the last few days finally coming to an ease as you sleep off the events, the redhead woman in your apartment is still there, not thinking of leaving you like this for a second. Wilhemina sits on the other end of the sofa, carefully watching over your fragile state and her heart breaking at seeing you in such distress.

As soon as she noticed, your breathing evening out and sleep consuming you, she breathes out, a breath she had been holding in for way too long as your distressed state caused concern in the usual stern and strong woman. Within the last week, Wilhemina had tried to forget about you, tried to ignore the fact you live and work in the same city, tried to forget about the memories you had brought back after being in her office twice and she tried to ignore the feelings seeing you again caused. However, she couldn't get you out of her mind, not when you first walked into Kineros Robotics with your boss, or the second time retrieving some files. That night she couldn't sleep one bit, your laughter still so present in her memory as well as the carefree times you two had experienced together.

At first, Wilhemina tried to remain strong, ignore the uncomfortable feeling in her chest and the scars that seemed to have opened when you waltzed right back into her life, the wounds that she caused herself when walking out of your life together, and the years of coldness patched together. However, after four days she couldn't stand the silence, hoping to see you at another meeting with Mr. Odell, only to be disappointed when his assistant showed up with him. She questioned it, trying to make it not obvious what her true reasoning for the question is and Mr. Odell didn't notice it either, simply explaining you only helped out on the case. After that encounter, Wilhemina fought a battle, the soft Mina begging her to just reach out, try and figure out your number or a way of contacting you, while the cold Wilhemina tried to stay harsh, pushing all the feelings back, ignoring the sleepless nights and the toll the situation had on her own body, specifically her back.

Ultimately, the soft Mina won, finally after many battles in the past, she returned, quite literally forcing herself to make the phone call to your workplace and ask for some information on you, whether it being your number or address. In the end, she spoke to your co-worker, and even though she was skeptical at first, she was also concerned about you not coming in, so she told Wilhemina the address, desperately hoping she didn't just give some stranger that piece of information. Wilhemina waited until today, not having the courage to show up, scared of her own emotions and walls she build up high, ever since the day she had walked out of your life. Your cries and begs have never left the redhead's memory, the pain in your voice and written across your entire face, you collapsing onto the floor, while she simply walked out, still causing this pain and mostly regret in the woman, currently sitting on your sofa.

You feel your eyes opening, a few hours later, your neck feeling a little stiff but a much more calmer feeling settling in your chest and stomach. The sun is slowly rising, causing your apartment to fill with both light and warmth. As you sit up a little, you realize that you haven't slept this peacefully and calmly in a long time, no nightmares coming to haunt you or the usual insomnia. Only realizing the reason for this as you see Wilhemina on the other end of the sofa, gently leaning against it, her eyes closed and chest rising and falling slowly. For a moment you melt, unable to believe she actually stayed all these hours with you, slowly the memories from last night coming back and you instantly worrying about her back, knowing this uncomfortable position must have hurt and cause her pain now. Despite everything that happened, you can't stand knowing Wilhemina would be in any kind of pain or discomfort because of you.

Feeling a little stronger, legs less weak and hands less shaky, you make your way into the kitchen to make some coffee. While the coffee machine is preparing the warm beverage for you and Wilhemina, you walk into the bathroom, quickly freshening up a little. As you walk back into the living room, two cups of coffee in your hand, Wilhemina is already awake, woken up by the sound of the coffee machine and at the same time the concern of you not being on the sofa anymore.

''Good morning'' you mumble, before handing her a cup of coffee and also some painkillers, knowing her pain must be bad and at the same time remembering she used to always take those ones in the morning. Her gaze meets yours, taking the coffee and looking at the two painkillers in your palms. ''Here go on, I um- know you might need these now'' you explain and walk over to the other side of the sofa again, two hands cupping around the coffee cup.

Wilhemina's eyes close for a second, taking a deep breath, unable to believe even after all of this time you would still remember her routines and caring enough to give her a painkiller or make her a coffee. You watch her closely, as you take a few sips from your own drink, as she swallows the pills and sets the coffee cup down afterward. There is silence for a moment, the painful kind, both of you wanting to say so many things but holding back at the same time. Taking all your courage, feeling a little barrier and wall broken after her staying with you last night, you try and touch the subject, knowing it won't be easy.

''I'm sorry for this'' you mumble, meeting her eyes and her brown orbs instantly lock with yours. ''Don't be ridiculous Y/N, you weren't feeling well, no need to apologize'' she replies. For a second you feel intimidated by her presence again, her voice sounding just a little harsher than you remembered it last night.

''Are you feeling better now?'' she asks, her eyes full of concern and hope and you find yourself melting yet again, witnessing these small moments with her, reminding you so much of your old Mina. ''Yes, much better, thank you'' you reply with a small smile that she almost returns before replying ''No need to thank me''.

You realize this version of the redhead is much like Wilhemina at the beginning, when you had met her at the office, insecure, not being able to take a compliment or anything nice being said to her and you still wonder what had happened, the reason for her leaving and also what made her change into this different person.

After some silence, you feel the urge to just ask and find out the reason, why she is currently sitting in your apartment, after thinking you might never see her again after the last interaction you had with her. ''M- Wilhemina? why did you come here last night?'' you blurt the question out, not being able to beat around the bush for much longer and just needing answers. Answers for questions that have been burnt into your mind for years, many months filled with laying awake at night, or randomly zoning out throughout the day, breaks in the park, sitting at your desk, wondering what went wrong and what you had possibly done to drive her away.

''I-'' she starts, her lips parting but no more words leaving her mouth for now. Silence fills your apartment yet again and this time you know it's not her not having anything to say or being too cold to find the right words, you practically watch the woman you had fallen in love with fighting this version build to protect herself and you know she won't open up without your help.

''Did my workplace give you my address? or have your stalker skills improved a little over the years?'' you joke, hoping the little reference might help to get her to open up a little, as you remember her often admiring how easily you could find out information about someone back then, simply by looking up their name on social media. Mina often had you do that with clients she was wary of or someone she wasn't particularly fond of to make fun of them.

''Your co-worker gave it to me'' she states but you do notice a little smile tucked on the corner of her mouth. ''Thought so'' you add, before Wilhemina's eyebrows furrow, confused how you aren't mad at her or terrified that she would go through such lengths just to see you.

''It's okay, I'm not mad or anything but Wilhemina why are you here?'' you ask, her insecurities visible in this moment. Her eyes lock with your own again, before she finally speaks up.

''I had to see you Y/N'' she explains, her voice filled with pain and for the first time since meeting her in this city again, she allows herself to be vulnerable around you.

You watch as she takes a deep breath, averting her gaze to look anywhere but your eyes as her whole face scrunches up, feeling guilty for the way things had ended and never having the intention to leave you in the first place. What you didn't know is that the reason for Wilhemina leaving you in the first place, walking out of the shared apartment on that dark day, was never you or anything you had said or done. She loved you so much, she allowed herself to feel love for the first time, never thinking one day anyone would walk into her life that would be able to make the redhead feel the emotions she felt when she met you. Wilhemina had never known about love, the love she felt for her parents and what they gave her in return, a very different kind of love, lacking empathy, kindness, and gentleness.

Her childhood was rough, often being told that what she was feeling wasn't valid, she wasn't allowed to feel pain, she wasn't allowed those doctor's appointments or medication for her back as she was only making it all up. Only after she ended up in the hospital one night after her parents ignored her cries and pleas for too long, they changed their mindset a little but the scars on Wilhemina's soul had never really left or healed. However, when you walked into her life, you showed her the things she had always missed, empathy always checking in on her, despite only being co-workers at the time, always kind and gentle with her, and appreciating every single part about her. You taught Wilhemina it's possible to be loved, you made her feel valid, like all of those confusing feelings and the pain was valid and okay to be voiced by her. You made her believe she could never be a burden or anything those voices and insecurities made her believe. However, there were still those days after she started dating you, the days where she tried to stay funny, kind with everyone, and loving with you even though the darkness inside her was killing her. She tried for so long and hard and she managed to fight it until there was one day, one day that changed everything and ended up resulting in her leaving just weeks after.

It was the day after an office party, you and Wilhemina attending together and after dating for a year at that point, not really caring about occasionally holding hands that night or being a bit more open, considering most people in the office knew regardless. However, one of the male co-workers just had to point it out on Wilhemina's way out, managing to catch her both off guard and on a vulnerable day, as both her back pain and her insecurities were very strong that day.

''Isn't she a bit young for you, after all, you could be her mother'' was all the words it needed. Hitting Wilhemina right in the feels and insecurities. After all, she had always been a bit skeptical of the age gap between you two but you often reassured her it's not a problem and age is only a number. She felt awful that day, not being able to dance with you at the office party properly, and even though you reassured her it was okay, she didn't believe it. The voices making her believe she could never be good enough for you, her scoliosis always being the problem in your relationship, and that you deserved someone better. She took about a week to make her mind up, knowing her leaving would break you as you had not only grown so fond of her but also knowing you needed her. However, Wilhemina came to realize the pain is worth it if it means setting you free and someone better coming along eventually.

''Why did you wanna see me Mina?'' you ask, freeing Wilhemina from her thoughts and sending her right back into reality, the reality of sitting in your living room. Her face is still guilty, not able to look at your face.

''I came to say that I'm sorry for how our last conversation ended'' she explains and this takes you by surprise. Your mind wanders to the last conversation at Kineros Robotics when you had to pick up some files and you remember leaving after it seemed like she had nothing left to say to you.

''It's okay, I had to get into work it's-'' you try and explain but the redhead meets your gaze and cuts you off. ''No Y/N.. I mean the last conversation a year back'' she clarifies, talking about the time she walked out and left without saying a single word other than her leaving you.

Tears instantly build-up, the emotions of that day present again as if it just happened yesterday. Wilhemina notices your smile fading and the pain in your eyes. The old Wilhemina feels the urge to walk over to you, hold you in her arms, and wipe those tears just like she would have done but at the same time not ready to fully lose her cover and facade just yet.

''Why did you leave me?'' you question, not able to hold back your own emotions, as tears run freely down your cheeks.

''I never meant to hurt you'' the redhead whispers, a genuine confession leaving her lips.

''Please answer my question Mina'' you beg, needing answers after all this time.

''What happened to you, you changed, you aren't you anymore'' the words leave your mind before you can even think about it.

At this moment Wilhemina fights the biggest battle with herself, the newer darker side, wishing to simply build her walls right back up and walk out of this situation and out of your life, letting you find someone else just like she always had intended but her coming here in the first place was an indication that the soft woman you had fallen in love with, is still in there and currently back, finally winning her inner battle after such a long time.

She retrieves her cane, standing up and for a moment you fear she will walk out, having offended her but instead she takes you by surprise yet again, walking closer to you and sitting on the same end of the sofa you are sitting in. Her hand wanders to your leg in a comforting manner, wanting nothing more than to dry your own tears as she hates seeing you in pain.

''You need to believe me, sweet girl, I never meant to cause you pain and walk out the way I did, there hasn't been a day where I didn't miss you'' she explains, opening up and not holding back on how she really feels anymore.

''But then why did you?'' you question, not able to believe it truly didn't have anything to do with you.

''Someone said something to me that got under my skin, I should have never let it affect me this much, affect us this much'' she adds and you lock eyes when hearing her last sentence.

''Us?'' you whisper, barely audible. Despite hoping and often thinking whether there was ever a right time again for you and Wilhemina to be together again, you never thought it could be true.

''My darling, I know things have changed, I have changed but I don't want to lose you again, now I want to take this slow, respect you and your feelings but please don't let me walk out again'' Wilhemina begs, taking you by surprise as now her own emotions are on this display, a tear running down her cheek.

You sit up a little more, moving closer to the woman in front of you, your hand moving to cup her cheek and wipe the tears, before halting for a moment as it feels so unnatural after all this time. Wilhemina closes her eyes ready to lean into your touch and that's when you ignore the voices and simply wipe her tears. She leans into your cheek, enjoying the warmth you radiate and internally grateful to still be able to feel around you.

The two of you spend moments, sitting there and comforting each other, wiping each other's tears and just looking at each other, so many things to say, not just things that had happened in each other's lives since being apart but also still so many feelings and thoughts needing to be exchanged. However, for now, you feel grateful, grateful to have some part of your Mina back, and even though things are uncertain for now, you know there is now a different ground and knowing maybe now the time is right after all.

''I would like that, taking it slow and figuring this out, figuring us out'' you explain after some comfortable silence and you find Wilhemina smiling, breathing out in relief and all the anxiety and nervous feelings about this conversation leaving the redhead.

A little smirk makes its way onto your features, feeling a little like teasing Wilhemina ''By the way, how did you know I wasn't already taken or married or something at this point?'' you joke, with a little smirk, hoping she won't take it the wrong way but knowing your Mina would appreciate and understand this sense of humor as you always communicated like that before.

Wilhemina smiles, no sign of insecurities or doubts in her features before replying ''Well maybe after all this time my stalker skills did improve and I may or may not have found that piece of information out'' she explains.

''Besides there is no ring on your finger'' she adds, making you smile yet again and things feeling so natural as if nothing ever changed in the first place.

The two of you chuckle, your eyes locking with hers as she looks at you with so much love and gratitude, just the way she would usually look at you, so grateful to be in your embrace, to be in the same room and alive at the same time as you.

For the first time in a long time, you feel complete and warm, no doubts, no questions about Wilhemina lingering on your mind as now finally you have some answers on what happened. Even though there are still things to be figured out, questions to be answered, conversations to be held, you two working on each other, at least you now know that you won't have to do it without the redhead anymore, and this time she didn't just walk out, this time she wouldn't as this time- the time is right.

[damn-stark]

Survivor

Chapter 5 of Cherry

A/N: I really hope you guys like this and I promise there will be more Reiner and rc interactions ;)

Warning- Angst, SLOWBURN, Violence, LONG CHAPTER! Talks of death and blood.

Pairing- Jean Kirstein x reader, Reiner Braun x reader

Episodes- 1x17

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

————

“Squad I’d like to present you to Cherry,” Levi introduces you to his own squad who quietly watch you with eyes filled with curiosity.

“It’s y/n,” you correct him through gritted teeth, as a happy smile spreads on your lips while you finally had the honor to meet the squad he had spoken about in his letters.

“It’s the same thing,” he remarks nonchalantly.

“Not really, because one is my actual name and the other—”

“Y/N? You’re alive!” You hear a voice exclaim before your eyes wander to the entrance of the room where you notice Eren walking in with his eyes wide and filled with a surprise and a bit of joy.

“Eren!” You exclaim happily, “you’re okay, right?”

Said boy walks over to you and nods to answer your concern filled question. “Yeah, I’m alright, are you? Are the rest of our friends?”

You hesitate at the sound of his question, feeling your smile falter at the memory of one friend who wasn’t so lucky to have made it. Eren doesn’t catch your fault though, his green eyes remain filled with concern whilst he waits for your answer that never came as Levi interrupted you. “Cherry, listen.”

You tear your eyes away from Eren and focus on Levi and nod, “right,” before you look back to the four members of his special operations squad. “I’m y/n.”

Levi eyes roll to you and then slide to his squad members, not giving them any kind of audible signal before they all begin to introduce themselves, starting with a tall blonde man that had his hair picked up and sported a goatee on his chin. “I’m Eld Gin.”

“I’m Gunther Schultz,” A dark haired man said right after, pulling your attention to him and letting you recognize that some of these members looked familiar, you probably had seen them before but you weren’t sure now. There were too many soldiers to keep track of, you only talked to the ones you saw the most.

“Hi, I’m Petra Rall,” the only woman in his squad spoke not so long after, offering you a small smile that you returned before your eyes landed on one last man with his light brown hair styled in a nice undercut haircut. One you couldn’t help but notice off the bat appeared a bit odd to you...appearance wise anyways—“Oruo Bozad.” He said nonchalantly with his arms crossed over his chest.

Slowly you tear your gaze away from him and give all the members one last look before you look at Levi beside you. “And of course,” he continued, “you know Eren.”

You nod and a grin slowly spreads on your lips as you solely look at Levi and grab his arm to ask one last thing excitedly. “So does this mean I can join, Levi squad?!”

“Yeah, can she?” Eren asks after you in a more hopeful tone. Perhaps because he was hopeful he’d have someone his age in the squad. But that wouldn't be the case.

Levi’s blue eyes shift to you and his eyes narrow before he shakes his head. “No. But you can earn your spot like they did and then we can talk.”

“Tsk.” You pull your hands away from his arm and sigh in disappointment.

“But,” he added as he unfolded his arms and shoved his hand in his pocket to pull out a folded parchment paper. “Here. It’s for you.” He says in a mischievous tone that you only caught as you took the paper and he began to walk out of the room. “I’ll give you a few minutes to talk to them before you have to rejoin the recruits.”

Before you could try to input something concerning the paper, or the fact that your friends were taking a tour of the grounds that you knew by heart, Levi leaves the room with all eyes on the paper he had given you. “Open it,” Eren points to the paper in your hand. You look down at it and think for a moment, before you pout at the realization of what he had given you so publicly.

“Why don’t you?” You sigh, as you hand him the paper and sit back in a chair to rest your chin on your hand as you prop your elbow on the table beside you.

Erens green eyes lifted from the paper in his hand to look at you with his eyebrows pinched together and his fingers under the fold. “Are you sure?”

“Knock yourself out,” you mutter bitterly, noticing the rest of the squad all had knowing smirks on their faces as Erens curiosity got the best of him. Like you, they knew that the paper didn’t contain anything worthwhile, Eren on the other hand still was getting to know who Levi truly was and expected to read something juicy. But as he unfolded on the paper, and his eyes scanned the inside, his eyes lost their spark, and his smile fell. He slowly lowered his hand and turned to look at you with his face twisted.

“It’s a chores list?”

“Yeah,” you groan as you drop your head to the table's surface. “I knew it. Ughh…”

“It says,” Eren interjects, “you can help the Levi Squad with their chores.”

“Stab my leg won’t you?” You grumble to the wooden table, hearing a few of the other members snicker, whilst Eren still had the need to remark to you.

“Why didn't you ever tell me?”

“What was she going to tell you, Eren?” You hear one of the guy members ask him in a playful tone, “that our captain was a clean freak? It would have ruined the illusion and his reputation.”

You pick up your head only far enough so you could peek one eye out, noticing that it had been Eld who had just commented that. “Plus, it’s always funny seeing the newcomers realize that Levi isn’t just Humanity’s greatest soldier.” You snicker, making everyone laugh and nod in agreement. “And you thought I was a clean freak before,” you smirk, “you hadn’t met him yet...you’re still getting to know him.” You fully lift your head to see him with both eyes, barely catching as Eren throws your chores list back to you with a look of disappointment expressed all over his face. “I hope he’s been treating you well.”

“Well he still has me sleeping down in the basement,”

Eren comments bitterly, “but I mean, I understand why he would. Besides that he isn’t bad.”

“Good,” you say before your attention gets suddenly interrupted by Oruo.

“Say kid, where is it the Captain got you from? Are you really his kid?”

“Uh,” you voice, catching his comrade Petra shaking her head at his comment while the others just sigh before you continue unsurely and confused. “He got me from his doorstep?” You blink a few times and notice he seemed to be deep in thought. “Levi is not my actual father...he—” you abruptly cut yourself off as your eyes refocus on the way his hair was styled in an undercut, the way he kept his face so nonchalant and had a similar cravat to Levi’s. You also couldn’t help but notice the way he stood and tried to keep his posture, his voice also began to echo in your mind and you couldn’t help but pick out the similarity there too. It was all something that made you slowly grin.

“...I see now,” you comment to him smugly, whilst your eyes scanned his outfit and lifted back on his face. “Your cravat is a shade off. And,” you pause to stand up and shift your posture and change your voice to mock Levi’s, “you should stand like this and lower your voice a bit more.”

Oruos eyes widened but he’s quick to catch himself, quick to turn down what you suggested to him as his comrades burst into laughter and Eren seemed a bit lost. “I don’t know what you’re talking about brat.”

You smirk and change back to your own posture and voice. “It’s okay, I find it funny.”

“Oruo,” Petra interjected, “don’t talk to the Captain's kid like that.”

“It’s okay,” you assure them, “I don’t mind, but really,” you then change your voice and your expression to once again mock Levi’s. “It’s like this.” You smile brightly and switch back to your own voice. “It was an honor meeting you all.” You begin to walk to the door and continue. “I guess I’ll see you all later, for now I have to go before he comes back and gets me in trouble.” Your eyes shift to Eren and you wave at him. “See ya later, Eren.”

As far as first days go, this first day as an official Scout was like the rest. There were introductions, touring, assignments, schedules on the classes every new recruit needed to attend to memorize Erwins formation for the expedition that everyone was going to join. Something that surprised you because from what you did pick up before you left, usually the new recruits wouldn’t attend the expedition, not until they had proper time to memorize the map. But this time it was different. But then again, perhaps it was just a new normal now.

And it’s not like you could just skip these classes, you were a recruit now. It was an obligation. Just like your chores were too. Nonetheless you preferred chores over the classes that you had to admit were dreadfully boring. No matter how much you claimed to like learning, these weren’t really the classes you wanted. Not only that, but learning that as recruits you were going to go on your first expedition in a month was really hard, for some more than the others. It was a good thing that reuniting with Eren lifted some of your friends' spirits after hearing such heavy news. Yours on the other hand lasted until the night.

As night rolled around, as you lay in your bunk and closed your eyes, sleep came but soon was interrupted by the same nightmare you’ve had the past month; the one where you’re underground again, basked in darkness and cornered by the dead bodies of Furlan and Isabel. Only this time, Marcos' body was there too. The darkness was invasive but you knew he was there now too; haunting your dreams and not letting you get any sleep out of fear of both the dark and their bloodied bodies.

You tried rolling to your other side, tried to find assurance in the orange-red flame from the candlelight that casted your body's shadow on the wall beside you, but it didn’t work. So instead of trying to sleep again, you quietly roll off of bed and grab a book from under your bed, quietly grab your candlelight and carefully tiptoe out of the girls bunk room to walk towards Levi’s room. You knew he hardly slept, so you knew going to him in the middle of the night was always welcomed. Not like he cared if you were there when he was sleeping too.

When you got to the outside of his door, you saw the soft candlelight peeking out from under the door and expected him to be awake. But as you knocked once and slowly opened the door after no answer, you were welcomed with the sight of him slouched over his desk fast asleep. You softly huffed out at the sight and quietly closed the door after you, walking in and placing your book on the bed to instead grab his pillow and blanket. “How many times,” you whisper to yourself as you make your way to where he is. “Have I told him to sleep on his bed?”

There was no point in trying to move him to his bed, you knew if you tried he’d wake up the moment you lifted him from the chair. So instead you did the thing you always did; you threw the blanket over his body, very gently picked up his head to move his things to the side and instead slide the pillow under his head, so he wouldn’t have to lay on the hard surface. “There you go,” you continue to whisper as you successfully step back without waking him up. “Goodnight, Levi.” You smile softly, turning back around to grab your book and lay on his bed to read instead. Finding comfort in hearing his soft snores fill the candlelit room; smiling to yourself as you read the book you were rereading and unknowingly passing out after some time. Much to Levi’s surprise as he woke up not so much longer after.

He groggily lifted his head off the pillow he was surprised to be laying on, and kept his eyes on you for a few minutes to try and realize that this wasn’t a dream. You were in fact back. When that realization hit him he didn’t hesitate to push himself off his chair, grabbing the blanket that slid off his body and the pillow on his desk. He quietly stepped to the side of the bed and threw the blanket over your curled up body, lifting your head to pull away the book that you were accidentally drooling on and placing the same pillow you left him, under your own head.

Before he sat back on his chair, he slowly leaned in to gently stroke your cheek with his knuckle as he still couldn’t believe the person he was seeing. He couldn’t help but sigh deeply as his mind tried to process the fact that you had aged up so much in the past three years he hadn’t seen you. He couldn’t help but notice that your face had changed, that your body had matured and was still doing so, that your eyes didn’t carry the same innocent glow they once did. He had wanted to keep you protected from all the ugliness the world had, but it was impossible, he knew that the moment he found you on his doorstep. Yet throughout the years he couldn’t help but be delusional to that certain fact.

He couldn’t be that way anymore, you both knew that. No matter how much he wanted to keep you secured under the security of his cape, and in the warmth of his arms. He had to let you spread your own wings now, experience for yourself all the dangers he dreaded you facing, everything life had to offer you. All he could do now was watch you grow, advise and protect you when he could without completely smothering you. He couldn’t help but think if this was the same good type of heartache his own mother suffered as she raised him...he just never expected to get so attached.

——

“Cherry seed.”

Your eyes fly to Jean after that nickname spills out of his mouth, and as you're sitting across from him you shoot him a feigned smile and snap back, “horse face.”

His dark eyebrows furrow and he scoffs, “don’t call me that.”

“Then don’t call me what you just did, two can play at that game and I'd hate to see you lose.” You remark while a smirk pulls on the corner of your lips.

Jean just shoots you a pointed glare before he takes a spoonful of his breakfast and changes the subject. “Where have you been? I didn’t see you all of yesterday, I almost forgot you existed.”

“I was busy,” you shrug as you prop your elbows on the table. “But you’ll see more of me from now on. I get no special treatment so I’ll be stuck as if I were actually new here.”

“Oh how poor of you.” Jean feigns pity before taking another spoonful of breakfast. “To be stuck with us fresh meat and not get an immediate promotion.”

“It truly does suck,” you answer sarcastically whilst you rest your chin on your hand and feign a pout. “To think I could’ve been your captain.”

“To think I lost such great honor.” He sighs deeply and then can’t help but mirror your faint smile before he focuses back on his breakfast, sliding his eyes to your empty space on the table. “You should eat,” he mutters with food in his mouth, “you’ve been skipping breakfast too much already.”

You sigh and roll out “I will,” slowly before you rest your head on your other hand.

“And don’t be giving it to Sasha,” he continues to scold you “and pretend you ate it either.”

“I will,” you repeat a bit more sharply; knowing that he wouldn't be the only one nagging you about missed meals anymore. You knew you had other sets of eyes watching you now too—“so,” you continue to change the subject. “How was your first night as a Scout, Hmm?”

“Right now it feels just like when I was a Cadet.” He shares, “it doesn’t feel any different and I don’t suspect it will until our first expedition.”

“I guess you’re right.”

Jeans eyes leave your slouched figure in front of him and catches the tall blonde walking your way. “Reiner is coming this way.” He tells you as he looks back at his plate.

You lift your head from your hand and straighten out your posture, trying to fight the temptation not to look at him over your shoulder and instead keeping your focus on Jean. “Quick, how do I look?”

“Like you’ve been lacking sleep for sixteen years.” He remarks, causing you to shoot him an icy glare before he continues to toruture you. “Now is your chance to tell him how you feel.”

You laugh nervously and shake your head. “Are you crazy? No.”

“You know he likes you,” Jean points out, “what’s the worst thing that can happen?”

“Uh, he can hear me.” You spat out. “And I embarrass myself.” You peek over your shoulder and feel your heart clench in your chest. “How about this,” you continue as you look back at Jean. “You tell Mikasa how you feel and I tell Reiner how I feel, yeah?”

Before Jean could answer, the man you had been talking about comes and sits beside you, sliding a plate of hot breakfast to you as he also puts down his own. “Thought you were running on an empty stomach.” He tells you, “you should eat. Wouldn’t want you passing out in the middle of training.”

You fully turn your head to the side and smile shyly, pulling your plate closer to you and sharing a quick lingering look with Reiner. “Thank you,” you mutter, tearing your gaze away as you caught Bertholdt sitting next to Reiner, noticing as you were looking back at your food that Jean was trying hard not to laugh at you. You ignore him however and hesitantly take a bite out of the breakfast Reiner brought you, swallowing before briefly glancing at Reiner and Bertholdt to address your concerned question to them. “How are you guys doing?”

“Well,” Reiner sighs, “the past couple days have really been something, but we’ll pull through. We always have.”

“Yeah,” Bertholdt agrees as his eyes leave Reiner and turn to you. “Reiner is right. You don’t have to worry about us, y/n. How are you?”

You shrug. “I’ll be alright.” You look at your food and take in another small spoonful, letting Jean's comment about Reiner echo in your mind, but nothing else beside that before your train of thought was interrupted as Connie, Sasha, Ymir, Krista, Mikasa, Armin and Eren sat at the same table. They all had their breakfasts and a more lighthearted look on their faces than the ones they carried yesterday. Sasha especially, as she seemed to be angsty to talk to you as she sat at your side and didn’t hesitate to address you.

“So y/n, is y/n your real name? Or is it Cherry?”

You lift your eyes from your plate and slowly slide them to Sasha, noticing that all of your friends' eyes were intently on you. “It’s y/n. Cherry is just something that Levi and some of the Scouts call me.”

“Why?” Krista probes.

“Well Levi does because,” your mind wanders to the story he had told you about the nickname, and you decide it’s too long to tell them at the moment. “Well it’s a long story, but Cherry is something he called me, and the scouts, well, when I came here, I introduced myself with my nickname, so it stuck.”

“Oh well you’re lucky,” Sasha continues with a goofy smile. “You’re nicknamed after a fruit!” Her brown eyes glow with excitement as she grabs your arm a little too tightly. “Can I call you Cherry from now on?”

“Uh, sure.” You shrug nonchalantly, looking at Krista as she also continued speaking.

“That’s such a sweet name, can I call you that too?”

“Go ahead.” You answer, knowing that you couldn’t be rude and say no.

“Hey,” Eren chimed in, “Hange said that the reason Levi calls you that is because you were...”

“It doesn’t matter,” you quickly cut off Eren, shooting him a warning glare before you avoid all the curious stares and begin eating again.

“Tell us what you heard, Eren.” Ymir commented smugly, shooting you a taunting look that you felt burning into your skull. “You can’t leave us hanging now.”

Again you tear your gaze away from your food and shoot Eren a cold warning look that he took as a sign to just be quiet and ignore Ymir instead. She kept pestering him, like Connie and Sasha did too, but he didn’t give in. The stare you shot him engraved into his head and scared him from saying the rest, whilst also reminding him too much of his captain's chilling look. That, or well the sight of Levi passing by you to place a cup of tea by your plate just made him avoid the subject completely. So instead he just let the conversation change before you all had to go to your class.

A class that was the same each day for a month straight; boring as you had to remember your maps and important positions for the expedition.

All until you only had the choice but try to recall it by pure memory as the day of the expedition finally rolled around.

“The 57th expedition outside the wall begins now!” Erwin's voice booms from the front of the formation, everyone not letting themselves fall behind, nor trying to focus on the Titans that already threatened your lives, instead letting the support squad do their work while you all rode ahead; luckily enough everyone making it out of the town alive and riding further out the wall.

Something that still felt so surreal to you. Even if where you were, was still considered being inside the walls. Nonetheless, it felt like a rush of both excitement and fear. Mainly fear. Because now you were on your own. Literally parting away from the formation on your own (not really), but as Erwin signalled for the long range scouting, your friends weren’t going to be by your side anymore, you were with your own squad, riding in the right flank with the search squad.

What damn luck. On my first expedition too.

The only reason you got put there is to be their messenger and shoot the needed flares. You weren’t to make contact with any Titans unless extremely necessary. Which was disappointing, yet relieving. And the more you thought of it, of what you were supposed to do, the memory of a lesson came to mind as you rode along your squad. “It will be mainly the search squads in the first column that will have contact with Titans. When they find a Titan, they will fire a red smoke flare. When a soldier sees a flare he relays the message in the same way. Using the flares to confirm the Titans location the commander will fire a green flare and indicate in which direction everyone will proceed. In this way everyone can avoid contact with Titans. However there will be instances due to the lay of the land or obstructions when a Titan will be found too late and is already inside the formation....”

“Y/N, shoot a right flare for that short ugly Titan approaching the right corner.” Your squad leader orders, causing you to look in the direction of the small Titan approaching, lifting your flare and shooting out a red flare whilst you cover your ear from the loud boom. Since it was small, the squad chose to leave it be and instead move away as the formation moved slightly.

“...Our past measures have worked only on the relatively easy-to-predict “ordinary” types. The variants, with their unpredictable behavior, are the only ones that demand engagement!”

“I hear you’ve already killed two Titans as a cadet?! That’s impressive!” Your squad leader exclaims her comment at you.

You nod stiffly and briefly glance at her before you refocus on the incoming land. “Yes, I have, but it wasn’t an easy task, nor was it alone!” Again you glance her way and notice this time her brown eyes were searching the area. Yet she still found a way to multitask.

“Two is still two.” She assures you, her eyes following yours as you watched a flock of birds rapidly fly from their tree and caw sharply as they flew past you. It wasn’t a sight to gawk over, or really think much of, but still your hands tightened around your horse's reins and your eyes narrowed ahead. You continued to ride in a careful silence, feeling the hairs on the back of your neck stand and chills run down your spine. Again you didn’t think much of that either.

But it was in that moment, the seconds after, where two Titans began to come after you, breaking apart from one another and aiming for both sides of your squad, their arms out ready to swing at you beneath them. However you all were smarter, you sped up and rode to the left side, pulling out your flare gun with your trembling hand and taking a red flare to shoot it into the sky—“good!” Your squad leader praised you, leading the way and pushing the horses to sprint away from the Titans faster.

Yet as you left those behind and moved with the formation, two more Titans came running, creating a dust cloud that covered the horde following after them.

“What the hell?” One of your squad members shouts as his eyes fixate on the horde all coming your way, picking up their pace as their eyes spotted their temptation, as if the sight of your approaching figures had set something off within them. “We can’t take them all! We’ll be caught up and only end up losing our own!”

Your eyes widen and your mind races with the thought that this is the most Titans you’ve seen clustered together. It almost looked like they were purposely baited together. It was off putting and made your heart race inside your chest...even more so as they began to break apart and target different spots of your squad, running faster as they did so. And regardless of their tactics you put a red flare in your gun and intended to shoot it as a couple of your comrades fought them to thin out their horde. But as your finger hovered over the trigger, you felt the ground tremble, and spotted more birds quickly fly away as if in a panic.

When you tried to figure out what felt wrong, suddenly another large horde came running your way, this time getting led by a taller Titan, a blonde one with features of a female, blue eyes and a glare that made goosebumps grow all over your body. Unlike the Titans it led, this one seemed to be on a mission, she ran like a human would and let the horde run past her as she stopped in her spot briefly. Her eyes appearing to watch over the chaos she delivered, and her expression painted as if she were thinking.

She let the horde infest and overwhelm your squad. While she left you all stunned and speechless, frozen as you had never seen an abnormal like her. Or they hadn’t. She reminded you of Eren's Titan. From what you could take note, she acted like him; in the manner they were both intelligent and in control—“This-this one is an abnormal,” your squad leader stammered as she tried to lead what was left of her squad from being caught by swinging hands. “Shoot out the black flare, y/n! We can’t let this one into the formation!”

You nod slowly, trying to guide your horse from the approaching threats, whilst you also struggled to pull out the black flare, feeling the canister almost slip from your fingers before you gripped onto it and then struggled to push it in the gun. From the corner of your eye seeing a red flare fly into the sky. Knowing that the signal was going to move the formation, even if you all had to lag behind to thin out the horde that was more trouble than any of you suspected. You still had to deal with the abnormal Female Titan that continued to prove your theory right.

Your squad leader began to go after her and the Female Titan reacted within seconds, snapping her eyes to your leader and surprising you even more as she reacted by bolting towards her. At the last second though, the Female Titan turned sharply on her heels and headed for the formation, only causing the reaction on your face to deepen as your eyes peeled back further, and your eyebrows pinched together. Regardless of your reaction albeit, this time you were aware, you broke from your stupor as your squad leader looked over her shoulder to shout out the same instruction as before.

This time you raised your hand and shot the black flare, hastily shoving the flare gun back in your pocket as you kept your attention on your squad leader approaching the Female Titan; hearing the cries in the chaos that was brewing from the scene you were leaving, hearing Titans jaws snapping, and bones cracking as you tried your best to follow the instructions given to you. It was a crude thing to do, evil; it made your stomach churn and your heart drop, but you had to keep riding along. They kept reminding that to you. They told you to run to inform the Commander of what rose in battle.

But as you begin to split away, your eyes slide to your squad leader shooting her grapples at the Female Titans body, and a sharp gasp leaves your lips the moment she flies in to swing at the Titans nape, and she swiftly swings her hand back to capture your leader in her grasp. She continues to peek over her shoulder, almost as if she was taunting those couple of soldiers after her before she gave an effortless squeeze that instantly killed your squad leader. Leaving behind only a gruesome mess that she dropped before she looked away and bolted away. Leaving you stunned and petrified on your horse.

At the back of your head you could feel yourself registering the fact that more comrades tried to chase after her, but you couldn’t act on any plan. Your mind came up blank as the brutal scene continued to play out ahead of you. All you could do was watch as the Female Titan evilly played with your comrades; swatting them away and stomping one into unrecognizable pieces and a thick pool of blood.

When you could snap from your speechless state was when a blood-curdling scream beside you rang in your ears, snapping your attention to the side to see a Titan bite down on a comrade and another swing at you, barely letting you swerve away.

“Shit,” you hiss sharply, accidentally stumbling back to where the chaos had brewed and being directly behind the Female Titan’s path. You tried to guide your horse back to your previous path, but as your Horse tries to ride back, from the thick of some trees a Titan jumped out ahead of you. Blossom jolted and skidded to a hard stop, crying out as she stood on her twos and fumbled back before she fell back down on all fours. You tried to calm her down as well yourself, “it’s okay, Blossom, it’s okay girl, I won’t let it grab you. I’m here.”

Albeit the moment you tried to run away, another Titan wasted no time to lunge at you from behind. It’s jaw missing your horse and you by an inch, and instead crashing into the Titan in front of you—Fuck yeah—a smirk tugs on your lips as you watch the smoke rise from their clashed bodies over your shoulder. But the moment was brief, because when you turn away and look ahead, the body of a dead comrade comes hurdling your way. You yanked at the reins to make your horse move away, but the body had been thrown too fast and crashed into your horse, making her cry out in pain as she fell forward and threw you off her back to harshly roll on the ground.

When you come to a hard stop, you feel your body crash onto something hot and wet, you pay no mind to it, just think it’s some Titan remains you saw a now dead Comrade kill. Instead your eyes flutter open, welcoming in the brightness, but instantly feeling them sting and noticing your vision was slightly blurry after the impact—concussion maybe? Nevertheless, regardless of your symptoms, you continue to try to push yourself to your hands and knees, feeling your palms slip on something thick and wet. You blink a few times to clear your vision, wasting no time on looking at the sky above and instead dropping your gaze to identify what was under your hands. Albeit instantly freezing as you recognize the thick crimson pool of blood and the gruesome body parts of a dead body under you.

It took a moment for your head to react as you kept your eyes glued to what was underneath, but once you blinked again, you quickly reeled back onto the clean grass. Feeling yourself pant and cry before your breakfast ran up your throat and escaped from your mouth. You gagged more violently, but your stomach just jerked as nothing came out but air, leaving you to finally wipe tears away and suck in air.

When you remembered to breathe out, whilst thoughts in your mind raced at a speed that you couldn’t keep up with. You could feel your body pushing itself to its feet and you could see your bloodied clothes as your eyes roamed down your body, but that was it. Every other feeling was absent, time only seemed to slow down around you. You knew you were looking for your horse, but she was nowhere to be seen. Instead you saw Titans in her place, coming at you from all sides, surrounding you and causing reality to slap you in the face and return everything back to its normal pace.

“Fuck,” you breathe out rapidly, “fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” You quickly move your hands to pull your blades out, eyeing all four Titans that were surrounding you, trying to see if there was a horse, or anyone who could help you at least create a gap to escape. But as you switched from side to side, all you saw was red painted on the ground. No living souls left to help. Of course you could try to create a gap of your own, there were enough bodies for you to hook your grapples onto, but it would all be useless without a horse to use to leave. You were completely and utterly rendered isolated, with only two blades to think of your salvation. To keep your hopes up.

But that hope was burned away the moment the Titans shadows casted over your body, and the sounds of their running mouths echoed in your ears and pulled you back to that disoriented state you fell under after you saw what you had crashed onto. You could see the Titans hands stretch out to try and grab you off the floor, you noticed their jaws open to show off their sets of teeth and slippery tongues in slow motion as time seemed to slow down around you; as the knowledge of your life coming to a brutal end invaded every single thought, numbing every single muscle in your body and drying your mouth and eyes so no tears rolled down your cheeks.

And perhaps the no tears part was half of your mind accepting death. It was on your first expedition, but who were you to fight fate? At least now you could reunite with Marco, Furlan and Isabel. That beautiful thought made you smile to yourself, made death something easier to accept. After all you had lived longer than you anticipated...Levi would miss you...hopefully. That was one thing that rattled your soul, but...hey, you would be with the family you had both lost, he could rejoice in that fact.

When he didn’t see me return and join what was left of the Scouts, would he wait for my hopeful return? Would he be angry when he figured out I was one of the fatalities? That I had broken my promise to stay alive? Your mind fell silent and you blinked away from the Titans to look at the blue sky and passing clouds. I’m sorry.

You draw in a deep breath and ignore the stench of death that filled the air and instead you focus on the slight smell of grass and sweet fresh air. Death wasn’t something you wanted, not like this...you always wanted it to be after a long fruitful life, outside between the trees and under the sky. But this, well this had to do, right? At least you weren’t in the dark, or underground. At least you were under the sky….Hmm, it is a beautiful day—you continue to close your eyes and let out a slow shaky breath. Expecting to picture Isabel's red hair and bright eyes, Furlans smug but yet sweet look, and or Marcos' goofy grin. But someone else completely comes to mind. Levi. A memory of him plays vividly in your head. A specific memory. Almost as if it was purposely chosen to show you.

“You have to fight, you can’t die,” you heard him whisper to your fragile and sick body, feeling as if his voice was hundreds of miles away, but still clear. “Not like this.You still have a lot to live for…” his eyes looked to the clear sky out the window and he sighed before returning his eyes back to you. “...and you still have a lot to discover,” he continued as he grabbed your hand from the bed. “I know that I may not be like Furlan or Isabel, but I promise I'll try, I won’t leave you. I’m still going to look after you, I’ll listen to your stories, I always do, I’ll read through all your findings, I’ll try to do as much as I can do with you. Just fight for me, y/n, please. I want you to live a long life, to experience everything life has to offer you with no regrets. Just survive. You can’t die. Don’t die. Fight and survive. Fight and survive....”

As Levi’s words echoed all over your head and the memory faded, something else sparked within you, electrifying your mind like if a bolt of lightning had suddenly struck your brain. It almost felt like an adrenaline rush had flooded your entire body, but it felt much, much stronger. You could feel much stronger and much more aware. Your eyes suddenly flew open and you drew in a sharp breath that filled your lungs with a relief that you felt after you resurfaced from the water. Every color that surrounded you was much more vivid, everything your eyes saw was much sharper; to the shortest distance and to the farthest. Something unfolded within you.

Suddenly every thought of death turned to the will to fight. Suddenly blood rushed through your numbed limbs, causing you to dig your heels into the dirt and fortify your grip around your handles. Time was slow, but it was different, you could feel your eyes snap to every location, spot every single movement; from the flapping leaves, to the flowing grass blades, the floating clouds and approaching Titan hands. Your mind instantly came up with an instant plan to escape your current dilemma. And before you knew it, you were shooting your grapple hooks and moving like lightning, faster than you ever have in your years of using ODM gear

One moment you were on the ground, ready to die, the next you were swinging under a Titans arm, swirling around the moment you unhooked your grapples to then shoot them again, and spin directly at the Titans nape. You jumped off their falling body to continue the same process with the others, feeling an instinct guide you, a sense knowing exactly what to do pump through your blood. It was like a rush. Something new and much more than an adrenaline rush. You felt yourself fly around like the wind.

It felt odd moving so fast, you could hardly understand it, hardly control your own speed, but you were grateful for it as it helped you take down the Titans that had once threatened your life. Now, you just watched their bodies slowly evaporate away and leave behind only thick white smoke before you let yourself fall back to the ground in the middle of where their bodies lay to slowly take in what you had done.

It was unbelievable, but there was no one else around for you to make excuses that it wasn’t you—yet you still couldn’t believe it. You looked down at your hands as if that was going to give you reassurance to what had happened, you looked at the sky and found reassurance in the fact that you were alive. You rejoiced in that fact for a brief moment before you were reminded why your life was put at such high risk, why your whole squad was now dead.

She.

It.

The Female Titan was at fault. It was all her fault. She played with your comrades as if they were toys, she brought hordes of Titans that killed your comrades, she was the reason you almost died. Now, you needed to kill her.

You stepped away from the Titans thick smoke their decaying bodies produced and searched for your horse, you called for her, but nothing, luckily another horse heard your call. That was better than nothing. “Good horse,” you praise it as you climb onto it and gently pat their side, giving the chaotic and bloodied scene one last look before you tell them to go.

Needless to say you were riding fast and in rage, focusing on that single mission, and luckily not running into more Titans on your way after the Female Titan. You may not know exactly where she was headed, but you had a rough idea; she seemed to be dead set on chasing the formation, she appeared to be after something, or someone, she—suddenly you lose your previous train of thought and a new thought sparks in your mind. One that causes you to slap your hand on your mouth and run your hand down your face.

Of course. Of fucking course. It can’t be just a coincidence that suddenly another intelligent Titan like Erens appeared out of thin air, after not showing any sign of herself before. And of course she appeared after Eren was announced to be a Titan shifter. She’s most likely after him!

You smile proudly to yourself and release a held in breath—sometimes I truly do surprise myself. Wow.

With a bit more resolve, you focus back on your path ahead, dropping your smile instantaneously and fueling with pulsing rage as you caught sight of the Female Titan.

She was on her knee, and her hand was covering her nape, while her eyes appeared to be focused on something. It was hard to notice what with your rage and your own goal in mind, but the moment you pushed yourself on top of your horse and shot your grapples at the tree beside her to hop off your horse, and press on the gas to fly directly at her, you heard and saw who it was that was keeping her busy. “Y/N?!” Jean shouted.

Your eyes briefly glanced at him beside another tree, before they shifted to Armin at her other side a few feet away, and lastly at Reiner below you riding on his horse. His own eyes watching you fly overhead.

Your lips tugged into a smirk and you continued on, releasing your hooks and letting yourself fall towards the ground as The Female Titan swung her hand at you, missing your body and trying to catch a glimpse of you as you flashed forward and hooked your grapples onto the ground a few feet away. You used the stable ground to flip in the sky and be facing her, using your fingers to press on your gas to hastily fly towards her in a blinding rage that made your figure appear like a gust of wind, or a flash of light as you faked going for her nape and instead stabbed your blades on her shoulder and circled your blades around them to weaken her limb. You flew past her and let your body fall forward before you hooked your grabbles on the tree beside Jean, letting your heels scrape the dirt before you pressed on the gas to throw yourself to the sky and flip around in the air and repeat the process with her other shoulder.

In the heat of the moment you didn’t even focus on the three boys that you were now with, your anger raged and blinded you, your newfound strength and speed kept you busy as you tried to control it properly. The Female Titan kept your mind locked on killing her, and you were close; after weakening both arms, watching as they flopped down, you aligned yourself at a perfect spot where you could swing your blades over her nape. Only as you spun forward, and lifted your blades to slash her nape; the moment you let out a frustrated scream, and felt your blades make contact with her flesh, instead of cutting her nape and killing her, your blades suddenly broke as the tips reached the middle of her nape.

Your eyebrows furrowed at the sight and your lips parted in a stunned surprise. “What the hell?!” You look back at her nape before blinking to look back at your broken blades, “what just happened?” Once again you look back at the Female Titan and instead of landing on the ground, your gaze narrows on her and you swiftly flip around to again fly towards her. “No matter,” you sneer whilst you hook your grapples onto the ground beside her. “I’ll finish you.” Instead of going to her nape, first you try to take out her eyes. It was a smart plan, but you didn’t catch the fact that she had healed an arm, you didn’t see her lifting her hand to attempt to grab you from the air. It could’ve been a foolish outcome, but you were saved.

Suddenly, the moment you unhook your grapples and try to press on the gas, you feel another body collide onto yours. They push you out of the way and have you stabbing your blades onto the ground so you could slide back and come to a stop without hitting the ground roughly. Again. And the moment you did stop, you snapped your eyes to where you had been shoved away from, and notice that it had been Reiner who had saved you from being crushed.

His eyes find yours for a brief second to share a short lingering before he tries to kill the Female Titan himself. Only just like she failed to do with you, she successfully grabbed Reiner in her grip. Causing you to drop your blades so you could jump to your feet and cry out his name as you saw her thumb crush his body in her fist. “No! Reiner!”

No. No.

You stepped forward mindlessly and clenched your fist around your handles. You waited, or really you were so stunned that you didn’t know how to truly react. All you felt was your heart sink to your stomach and your breath trap in your lungs.

The moment you could react and were going to try and get revenge for Reiner. Said man suddenly and impressively spun out of the Female Titans fist—“yes,” you grin slowly, watching in awe as he safely landed on the ground.

Nevertheless you couldn’t express such emotion because Jean suddenly grabbed your hand and began pulling you forward with the rest of the group. Leaving behind the Female Titan.

“I think we bought enough time!” Reiner exclaimed to all of you, causing you to look at the Female Titan over your shoulder after you let go of Jean's hand. “Hurry and let’s put some distance from this one! It won’t come after us unless it’s a cannibal!”

Just like Reiner had mentioned, the Female Titan went the other way, letting all of you run away. “Look at that!” You point out, causing Reiner to follow your line of vision and add more comments after you.

“The giant bimbo’s scared and going home.”

Only that didn't feel right. But you didn’t have a chance to point that out as Reiner pointed out the skills you demonstrated moments ago. “Hey, y/n what was that?! Where the hell have you been hiding that skill?! You were impressive!”

“That’s right, I noticed that too, you’ve never shown skill like that before.” Armin interjected from under Reiner's arm.

“You were moving like Mikasa and Captain Levi. What was that?” Jean chimed in too.

Your eyes turned to the boys and their curious stares, before you looked back at the horizon ahead and shrugged cluessely. “I...don’t know.”

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Tagged- @expectoscamander , @greenygreenland @that-soft-lesbian-friend , @dai-tsukki-desu @usernamehere91 , @avocadopoosae

[saemi-the-writer]

Miraculous Team - Costumes and power change (part 1)

It was mentioned in some previous posts, but I’m going to expand a bit more here.  The 5 minutes limit only happens at the very beginning and the holder of any miraculous can unlock more powers as they keep on practicing and bonding with their kwami. You can think of it like any sport or activity: you need to warm up and learn the basics before you can go for harder and more complex moves/trials. When the holder use an especially powerful move or their most powerful one, the human is likely not ready yet to carry on, either physically, emotionally or anything; the magic might hurt them if they push themselves too hard so the kwamis alert them with a sound that they can’t keep the transformation any longer. It is to keep the user safe first and foremost. Later on, the alert happens but only if the holder is exhausting both themself and the kwami, or if they are really too badly hurt; while the kwami takes most of the damages, the kwamis still have their limits and weakpoints too and might need a break.

In Miraculous Team, the Miraculouses holders have more than one power (or attack/defense), the heroes unlock more as they improve, thanks to the grimmoire, other artifacts and using power combination with one - or several - of their partners.

Let’s start with the 2 more powerful Miraculouses and our main couple/duo:

Ladybug and Chat Noir

Ladybug

Going to disgress a bit, but here’s why Marinette picked the name “Ladybug” for her heroine persona: she wished for a simple name, something that wouldn’t give her away since keeping her identity secret is very important. So using Chinese was out of the question, she didn’t want to give any clue to the ennemy nor endanger any other Chinese-origin civilian. After some researches, she settled on “Ladybug” because it was short, simple, sounded nice and reminded her of a cute poem Ms Bustier read to her class in her first year in middle-school “Coccinelle, Demoiselle”. Tikki found Marinette so endearing and appreciated that the latter took her duty so seriously, she sore she’d do everything she could for her new holder. After 200 years of “sleep” and so many holders who had to become adults way too soon, Tikki was ready for it.

For the Ladybug powers, since it’s the Miraculous of creation & luck, her powers are more similar to her conceptual ones where she can create anything with the help of her compact/Yo-yo. As time passes and the more powerful Ladybug becomes, the more complex and powerful her creations become. Power that will be more than useful when Marinette will try her hand in crafting artifacts, then new Miraculouses.

The “Lucky Charm” can sometimes be some random object that Ladybug use to achieve victory thanks to her creativity and ingeniosity, a clue or - as the name itself says it - a real lucky charm she can give anyone she wants to that will help. Either “Lucky Charm” or “Stroke of Luck”, in which Ladybug can do anyting for a short time and luck will always be on her side; or she offers that luck to one of her ally, brings good fortune to the people she wants to help and protect around. Power that will also leak out even as her civilian self, something Marinette will realize in “Forain” (”Showman”). You can think of it as a bit similar to the potion “Felix Felicis” in Harry Potter for example.

Costume: inspired by this concept art;  instead of a whole onesie/suit, MT Ladybug wears a red, black-spotted gym leotard, 3/4 sleeves and a very small “cape” that looks like ladybug wings. Black leggings and long gloves with one single red spot and red shoes. Pigtails with the red ribbons like canon. However, only Ladybug have blue-eyes and blue highlights in her hair; MT Marinette’s eyes are greenish brown (like her Dad’s, but a darker shade) and her hair is jet black, it’s part of the glamour Tikki spreads on her when she transforms.

Chat Noir

About the name: Adrien was SO ready for this, he had a whole 3 feet long list of names (puns, name derived from his favourite comics/anime/shows, etc.). However, MT Plagg wasn’t as mischevious as his canon counterpart at first: he had been used and abused for longer than a century, so he was litterally acting like an abuse survivor cat. Even if Adrien was chosen by the Guardian, Plagg was bitter, he wished he had spent more time with Tikki or that he could have rested longer. Adrien, wishing to gain his trust, tried to ask his opinion but Plagg was still wary. Adrien ended up picking “Chat Noir” to prove his kwami that he would never impose him anything, that he was “back to his roots” so: Black Cat miraculous = Black Cat, as simple as that. Plagg kinda appreciated that and Adrien’s efforts to be nice to him.

Like Ladybug’s powers, I took a lot of inspiration from the concept art. Cataclysm is still his most powerful move, but it’s quite hard to control at first (either too powerful or if CN doesn’t touch what he aimed for, it’s still destroyed). Then, comes “Black Storm”, which is kinda like a Kamehameha (c’mon, Adrien is quite nerdy, OF COURSE he would use his power like that!!) Miss Tigri used a similar move that she called “Black Hail”, but unlike her, Chat Noir only use it when necessary or against a foe that won’t be harmed too much by it. He’ll be more creative and comes up with the “Black Hole” and “Chat crame” (pun with “Chakram” and “it burns”) later.

Eventually, “Jinx” and “get jinxed” ; which are the opposite of Ladybug’s “Lucky Charm” and “Stroke of Luck”. Like the superstition, Chat Noir’s presence will get his foe (or anyone who wants to harm him, his team mates or family/friends) unlucky. Similar to LB, Adrien will unwillingly become a jinx to some people around (don’t worry, these people will deserve the misfortune!) which sometimes will lead to strange and/or comical outcomes and situations.

Costume: MT Chat Noir’s costume is mostly unchanged, though his claws are longer and there are cat pads visible underneath his boots and in his palms. The most visible change are Adrien’s hair: wilder and full of black strands (a bit like this).

[takeyourpillsbitchh]

Would you do a head canons based on your dad life ft gallavich mood board? Like how they became dads and ended up with three kids?

Oh this is so sweet! I made that mood board so quick so it’s not the best, but anyone who’s interested can find it here 💜

I don’t think these are usually this long but that’s okay☺️

- Ian and Mickey moved into a two bedroom apartment a few years after getting married.

- Once they were ready to move to the next part of their life they knew they would need more space.

- The spare room served as a guest room for Franny, Fred or Liam when they stayed the night until they heard back from an adoption agency that agreed to start the adoption process with them.

- They had some difficulties at first considering their back grounds but a young woman picked them to be the parents of the baby she was carrying.

- Ian and Mickey would meet up with her and find that she has dark brown hair and blue eyes, features scarily similar to a Milkovich but it worked for them.

- They would go to all of the prenatal appointments with her and when the baby comes they’re in the room with her watching their first daughter, Charley Monica Gallagher-Milkovich, be born.

- Mickey and Ian both cried and they took her home two days later to a pink and floral nursery that had too many fuckin stuffed animals for a baby, Ian.

- The first few months as parents are hard. They were tired and exhausted, it took its toll on Ian mentally but they helped each other through the hard nights, colic crying fits that seemed never ending, colds with fevers that landed them in the ER and the never ending parent guilt that you could or should be better.

- But they had good times too. The first time she laughed, Franny and Fred holding her for the first time, Lip and Tami’s new baby Levi was to little for a turn of his own, and taking her for a dip in the pool when it was still warm enough and watching her little hands and feet splash happily in the sun warmed water.

- Three years later they decided to have another baby. The whole family was excited but no one was happier than Charley about getting a baby brother or sister.

- They we’re surprised this time to find that the woman carrying the child had pale freckled skin, green eyes and bright orange hair, not quite the same shade as Ian’s but close enough to have Ian grinning like a loon every time he thought about their possible little ginger baby.

-Mickey of course made fun of him for being so excited over a hair color but was secretly just as excited to have a child who would possibly mirror his favorite features of his husband.

- This time they weren’t able to be as involved with the pregnancy as with Charley and though it sucked they respected the biological mothers wishes and impatiently awaited her meetup calls for ultrasound photos and updates and then the call they were anticipating.

- Tami and Lip had been ready for them to drop off Charley at any given time for the last two weeks and two in the morning on a Wednesday’s night was no exception. They dropped a sleeping Charley off and rushed to the hospital to greet their newest baby, another little girl with the fizziest red hair they’d ever seen.

- They didn’t see the birth mother again after that night.

- Everyone though she looked like Ian as a baby despite the little girl having none of his genes. He took it though and smiled a little brighter every time someone mentioned a barley there resemblance.

- Ian and Mickey both cried the first time they saw Charley meet her new baby sister, Eliza Marie Gallagher-Milkovich.

- Charley was obsessed and didn’t not want to let her baby sister go, wanting to help her daddy and papa with the baby every chance she got, getting them diapers and helping hold the bottle at feed time.

- Surprisingly this time seemed a bit easier, though no less exhausting. The hardest days were when both Charley and baby Eliza were in sour moods but the best days…well those were the best. When both girls were happy, and bubbly and loving.

- Just a short year and a half later they were moving into a three bedroom house and expecting their last baby.

- They weren’t expecting to be parents of three so soon but they met a teenage girl named Morgan with dirty blonde hair stuck in a bad situation, pregnant and not ready to be a mom.

- She was desperate for someone to adopt and she became a regular figure in their lives. Charley and Eliza love her, and Mickey and Ian took her under their wing, helped her the best they could.

- She had been with Ian when she went into labor, car broken down on the side of the road and waiting for Mickey to get to them. Neither Mickey or the ambulance got there in time and Ian delivered their third baby.

- A blonde haired little boy, a mere 5 pounds 7 ounces, tiny enough to be cradled on one of Ian’s long arms.

- Morgan had cried and told Ian she didn’t want to hold the baby.

- Mickey arrived first, having been called before the ambulance and nearly bursted into tears as soon as he saw Ian standing there in a tank top, the smallest baby he’d ever seen bundled up in nothing but the flannel his husband had been wearing when he left the house this morning.

- Oh, god. He whispered as he walked up, tattooed fingers ghosting over a tiny pink baby arm. Checking Ian over and kissing his lips softly before asking if the baby was okay.

- Guess being an EMT paid off, huh? One of them will joke later on once their new little boy is looked over and bundled up in a warm hospital blanket.

- Alek Clayton Gallagher-Milkovich would come home four days later to an excited Charley and curious Eliza.

- Three kids under the age of 6 was hard. It was stressful and sometimes aggravating. But it was also the most rewarding think Mickey and Ian have ever done.

- They love their kid more than anything. Would go to the ends of the earth to do anything for them, make sure they’re happy and have a good life. They watch them grow and change and help them become the best little humans they can be.

[bvidzsoo]

Downtown

 Author: bvidzsoo

 Warnings: sexual situations, swearing and angst 

 Pairing: Kwon Soonyoung x female reader x Hong Joshua

 Word count: 29, 624

 Summary:   You never thought you’d fall for the person you’ve known for almost ten years, but you did know he wasn’t the right person either for you. It was hard getting over him, especially when you were friends with benefits. But then, a mysterious gentleman came along, and changed your world. Suddenly, you knew what you deserved.

 A/N: Holy shit, this feels like it took a year to write, when it was a week and a half? It’s very long, the longest oneshot I’ve written in my whole life so far and I’m proud of it. It’s past 3 am here when I’m posting this, so good night everyone. Don’t forget to leave your feedback, to feed my curious heart. Enjoy now!

     Things weren’t always so complicated. As a child, you only have to worry about your grades and to not disappoint your parents. You go out with your friends, have fun, let loose and have no worries about the cruel world surrounding you. But then you grow up and all sorts of responsibilities are dumped on you; you suddenly don’t know this foreign world. It all feels scary and malicious, ready to take you out, but then you learn. You learn how to be an adult and things aren’t that hard anymore. Except if it comes to your feelings. People always say, ‘we are adults, we have to approach the issue straight on and address it; you have to talk about your feelings without holding anything back’. But that’s always easier said than done. Because I am an adult and yet I still don’t know how to tell the man lying down next to me that I’m in love with him. The room feels hot, skins glistening in the moonlight that comes in through the open window, both of our chests rise quickly, neither one of us having completely come down from our highs. I love it while it’s happening but hate it after it’s over. The sex is amazing with Soonyoung, he knows every inch of my body, he knows what turns me on and what I hate. He never chases his own release; he works for both of us. He’s rough but never to the extent to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. But then it’s over and there come the feelings I try repressing during the day. The want to turn into him and snuggle into his side, legs intertwined, eyes closed as we fall asleep is hard to ignore. Sometimes it happens, but then one of us leaves before the other could wake up. The bed feels empty without him and some mornings it makes me crazy. My sheets carry his scent, the scent I feel around me everywhere; it’s so deeply etched into my own being that it’s simply everywhere. Actions can be scary, but feelings are scarier. I closed my eyes to take another breath before turning my head. Soonyoung’s tongue poked out to lick his dry lips before he turned his head to face me, our dark brown eyes locking onto each other. My heart speed up, could he see it in my eyes? The desperate love I wanted him to see and feel? Or was he the oblivious boy he used to be back in high school? He changed in many aspects, but one thing remained the same: he was the same funny guy I used to hang out with, the same guy who always carried a smile on his lips and hid his real feelings.

Being on time was an issue I tried to fix my whole life. At first, it wasn’t my fault, my dad would never be on time, therefore, I was always late thanks to him. But slowly, after I was independent enough to be on my own, I started noticing that I took on his habit, being late almost everywhere. I overslept my first class today, which would be an issue later on as I have another class with the same teacher, and now I was hurrying down the hallway to try and not be late to my second class as well. And it was going well, until it wasn’t. A hard show sent my arms out and my notebook, book, and pencil case flying to the ground. It took me by surprise as there were few people in the hallway that someone would run into me, there was plenty of space. My eyes fell on the culprit as he carried on his way as if nothing had happened. 

My morning grumpiness got the best of me and I opened my mouth to call out before he could round the corner, “Next time apologize, asshole!”

I bent down to pick up my three things laying on the ground, groaning when the bell rang, now I have to make it inside class before the teacher does. As I stood up once again, a black curly-haired boy stood in front of me. His cheeks were puffy and his eyes sharp and small. He resembled a hamster; it was the boy who ran into me. His uniform wasn’t neat and his left shoe tie was unmade. I glanced over his figure again before making eye contact. His dark eyes had a certain allure to them and I definitely didn’t expect the sudden wide smile he offered me.

“Sorry! I’m kind of in a rush,” He spoke hurriedly, his voice a bit raspy.

“Well, me too, but do you see me running into others when there’s enough space for the both of us in a, now, empty hallway?” I raised my eyebrows expectantly, eyes falling on his name tag. Kwon Soonyoung. I haven’t heard of him before, however, his face is one I would have remembered for sure if I saw it around. Is he new? Or just invisible like me?

“Uh, sorry…” The boy scratched his neck embarrassed as he looked around us, “I overslept, so I’m in a hurry to get to my second class in time--”

“We are already late, so don’t bother” I sighed as I walked around the boy to start my walk, now casual, towards my class. I was for sure late now, the teacher probably inside, there was no need for me to rush anymore.

“You overslept too?” The boy was by my side and I nodded my head wordlessly.

“I’m Kwon Soonyoung!” He extended his hand while we were walking and I looked at him before shaking his hand firmly. He was smiling widely and I offered him a close-lipped smile.

“I’m Lim Y/N” I introduced myself and Soonyoung nodded his head violently.

“I know!” He was excited as he kept grinning, his eyes disappearing completely, cheeks even puffier. I could pinch those cheeks right now.

“Yeah, we have name tags…” I muttered with a chuckle as we rounded the corner.

“No, I know who you are!” My eyes fell on the overly excited boy walking next to me and my eyebrows furrowed. How did he know who I am but I didn’t know who he was?

“Did we meet before?” I asked confused as Soonyoung stopped walking.

“No” He chuckled and looked at a closed-door he was standing in front of, “But we always arrive at the same time to school...well, besides today…”

“Oh” I muttered as I tried to remember his face but couldn’t connect it to his words, “If you say so”

“I’m not well known, but that’s fine” He chuckled as he shrugged his shoulders. I glanced at my wristwatch and figured I should really get to class now.

“I’ll see you around then, I guess,” I said as Soonyoung nodded before knocking on the door he was standing in front of.

“See you” He winked before sliding the door open and stepping inside while bowing. What a weird boy, I thought to myself as I walked down the hallway, finally arriving to my class. I did the same thing Soonyoung did and thanked the heavens the teacher asked no questions.

Our eyes stayed locked as I wondered what Soonyoung was thinking. He looked troubled; eyebrows furrowed as his eyes fell to my lips. My heart rate picked up again and I was ready to refuse a second round, tonight I wasn’t feeling it anymore. But Soonyoung said nothing as he scooted closer and draped an arm around my naked torso, his naked body coming in contact with mine. His skin brushing against mine made me feel like I was on fire, as if a few minutes ago he wasn’t inside me making me feel things only he could. The way our bodies molded together made me almost forget the things I wanted to tell him. I could never truly muster up the courage to tell him that I love him more than a friend, after all, we are just friends. Friends who help each other out in desperate times. I’ve known Soonyoung for almost ten years. 

We met in high school for the first time and quickly became friends, connecting over our similar interests and the fact that we were pretty much invisible to the others, friendless. Soonyoung was always happy and smiling, he quickly became someone I relied on upon and confided in. When he needed someone serious to talk to or just listen to his rants, he knew he had me and that I wouldn’t judge him, as many others did. But then high school was over and we made empty promises to keep in touch throughout college, but I wasn’t too wealthy so I couldn’t attend the same college he chose. And in our second year, Soonyoung transferred to a bigger city to have part of better education, leaving me behind. And slowly like that, our friendship faded into distant happy memories. We both went on with our lives, sending each other birthday wishes when those days came around the year, but never truly did anything to reach out for a real conversation. I figured he was busy and if he really wanted to talk to me, he’d know where to find me. College came to an end after a few years and soon I found myself working in an office where my boss was loathsome, I didn’t last for long there, only a year. And that’s when I found my dream job presented to me. A wedding planner agency, they had a free spot for the interior designing of the places the soon-to-be-wed couple chose. So, I applied and I got the job. Everything went well there, the colleagues were nice and soon I found myself in a friendly relationship with everyone from the office. Our boss was a very nice older lady, hair always in a bun and lips always painted a nice shade of pink. She was always smiling and she always knew how to create a welcoming and pleasant environment for her working place. Maybe that’s what attracted her to Soonyoung so much. He emitted a certain warmness that drew people in, a small always on his face. He was rarely angry, he stayed calm in stressful situations, and he always had a joke for when times became unbearable. So, he got employed. To the same company I have been working for, for five years. And he changed, a lot. His innocent smiles from high school turned into flirty ones. His somewhat raspy voice turned into a full rasp and sultry comments. He got taller too, his body lean and worked. His dark hair didn’t grow much, but the curliness was gone and nowadays a few strands were always falling in his eyes. The puffiness from his cheeks subsided and he became manly looking, his sharp eyes keeping you fixated on a spot if he wanted to. His behavior didn’t change much, except he became more confident and less invisible. Unlike me, throughout the years I turned more into myself and realized I didn’t need people to be close to me, I felt more comfortable being on my own. Maybe it was the fear of getting to know someone more only to be left behind, like it happened with Soonyoung, but I was content. It’s not like I was actively looking for a friendship, even though sometimes I would complain about it to my sister, emphasis on sometimes. But of course, when Soonyoung and I reconciled, things were bound to happen. We weren’t oblivious teenagers anymore, we were adults with certain needs. And somewhere along those lines, we found ourselves in a friend with benefits kind of relationship. I didn’t even know I found Soonyoung attractive until he kissed me behind the club while we went out so that he could take a cigarette break, he’s an amazing dancer, by the way. But now I wish he didn’t kiss me that night, a year ago, because maybe then I wouldn’t feel so choked up by the feelings he makes me feel now. 

“Did you look for decoration for the reception?” Soonyoung’s sleepy voice broke me out of my thoughts. By how slowly he was breathing, I assumed he already fell asleep.

“Sort of,” I mumbled quietly, not fighting the urge to play with his hair anymore, “I can’t decide on the colors”

“What does the bride want?” Soonyoung’s question got muffled when he pressed a kiss between my breasts. 

I sighed and gulped as my heart continued beating violently, “She didn’t specify, but I’m leaning more towards beige” 

“Beige is always a good color choice” Soonyoung muttered as his long fingers ran down the side of my body.

“Yeah” I muttered as I looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm my erratic heart beating. I knew he could hear it, or feel it, and it made me anxious. Would he think it was from the sex or did he know how much these little interactions, touches, actually made me feel? But tonight, I didn’t want to find out, tonight I just wanted to take a hot shower, drown a whole bottle of wine and go to bed, in my own bed.

“I have to head home” I spoke up as I cleared my throat, glancing down at Soonyoung. He groaned as he muzzled his face more into my chest, his hair tickling my breast.

“Did your mom give you a new curfew?” He joked as he lifted his head and gazed at me. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, trying to hide the blush that came onto my cheeks at the view in front of me. I could never get used to the image of Soonyoung after sex. He looked so hot while disheveled. 

“No, but my boss won’t be impressed if I’m late to work--”

“Again” We chorused at the same time, both of us giggling, Soonyoung’s eyes disappearing as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. I quieted down and licked my lips, awaiting his next move. He really didn’t seem like he was about to move, so I nudged him with my leg. 

“Get off, leech, I can’t get up” Soonyoung’s laughter echoed in the quiet room and I shook my head at him, “I’m serious”

“Can’t you just sleep over?” He whined like a little kid and I shook my head, raising to my elbows, closing the distance between our faces. Soonyoung’s breath mixed with mine and I really wanted to lean in and capture his lips with mine, so when he did it first, I hummed contently. I let my eyes fall closed as our lips moved lazily against each other, knowing this was Soonyoung’s way of trying to trick me into staying with him, I didn’t let myself get lost in the feeling of him, even if I wanted to.

“I’m going” I muttered as I tilted my head back, away from Soonyoung’s lips. He just groaned and started kissing my neck instead.

“Stay” He muttered, lazily landing a wet kiss on my jaw, “Please?”

“No.” I said firmly as I lowered my head to look into his eyes. I leaned forwards and pecked his lips quickly before gently pushing him over, letting him fall on his back on the bed.

“Let me drive you home?” He asked as I quickly rose from the bed and found my underwear, putting it on.

“I’ll call for a cab” I answered him as I bent down to pick up my black jeans, feeling his eyes on me.

“With me, you are safer” He argued and I sighed as I threw on my grey sweater, zipping my jeans up.

“I’ll text you when I get home” I found my socks and smiled in victory as one was thrown underneath the bed.

“You better not forget it this time” Soonyoung’s glare was playful as he sat up on his bed, still fully naked. I gave him a pointed look before seeing his briefs at the foot of the bed and throwing it at him.

“You know I probably will and get dressed, you’ll get sick” I scolded him as I went around his bed to close the window and pull the curtains closed.

“You know the old ladies love a good show” He wiggled his ass as he pulled his briefs on and I giggled as I opened the locked door of his bedroom. I was surprised to find the lights on in the kitchen, a very sleepy Jihoon rubbing his eyes as he eyed a carton of milk in the fridge.

“You’re leaving?” He asked surprised, jumping when I accidentally bumped my bag into the table by the bathroom door.

“Yeah, I still have some work to do for tomorrow” I found my boots quickly and pulled them on, shooting Jihoon an apologetic smile, “I hope we didn’t wake you up…”

“Thank God you didn’t, Soonyoung is so loud” He grumbled with a glare and I heard a scoff coming from the living room.

“I know” I whispered with a chuckle and Jihoon shook his head before finally drinking out of the carton of milk.

“Hey! We share that together, can you stop leaving your saliva over everything?!” Soonyoung’s shriek made both Jihoon and I groan as the culprit came marching into the kitchen.

“I bought this with my own money!” Jihoon turned his back to Soonyoung when he tried taking the carton of milk from him. 

“It’s late, can’t you two be less noisy? I’m sure the family living underneath doesn’t appreciate you screaming at night…” I threw them a glance as I unlocked my phone and ordered a cab through the app, pulling my leather jacket on. 

“If you want to scold us, just leave already, mother” I flicked Soonyoung off as I unlocked the front door and opened it, poking my head back in.

“By the way, I love the new color, Jihoon” I whispered with a smile, the newly dyed blonde giving me an appreciative thumbs up. Soonyoung’s amused smile slowly slipped from his lips before he marched over, I didn’t miss the subtle glare thrown Jihoon’s way, and he went to playfully show the door in my face.

“Good night” He mumbled quietly, a softness rarely heard enveloping his voice.

“Night, Soo” I winked before turning around and heading for the stairs, ignoring the longing to turn around and crawl back into bed with him.

   Soonyoung was right, the color beige is always a good choice. I stared at the reception in front of me decorated in beige colors, a proud smile slipping on my lips. The fairy lights around the tables gave the room a dreamy feel and the flowers on each table brought a touch of freshness. The bride and groom were yet to arrive so my nerves were still over the roof. It was always hard and nerve-wracking when it came to decorating a place to other’s likes, even if all were discussed in detail. 

“Breathtaking, as always” The male voice whispered in my ear and I cringed away from Soonyoung. He was wearing his usual dark blue suit, rings decorating his fingers, and loose strands of black hair falling in his eyes.

“I told you to don’t do that here” I threw a glare at him as I took off between the aisles of tables and chairs. I heard Soonyoung chuckle behind me and I tried to ignore the sudden jump of my heart. I missed him even though I just saw him yesterday. 

“It’s just us here, Y/N, relax” Soonyoung took a different route as he bent down and started examining the silverware. 

“Half of the decoration team is here, Soonyoung, please” I rolled my eyes as I found a stray napkin on one table and picked it up.

“That’s Hana’s fault” Soonyoung’s voice turned stern as he came up beside me.

“Go easy on her, she’s been here for a month only” I pressed the napkin into his chest as clapping came from behind us. I turned around with a smile and headed towards our boss, her lips in a wide smile.

“This is spectacular, Y/N, you’ve been working for me for so long yet you surprise me each time!” She exclaimed as she looked around the room, patting Soonyoung���s arm when he came up beside me, napkin stuffed in his pocket now.

“Thank you, Mrs. Choi” I bowed my head and she walked past us, stopping by a table.

“Did you bring the cameras, Soonyoung?” She asked as she leaned down a bit to arrange the flowers in the vase.

“Everything is set, Mrs. Choi, we are waiting for the bride and groom” He answered her back smoothly, sending me a wink. I rolled my eyes as the clicking of heels caught my attention. Kim Yerim, dressed in all pink, came waltzing inside with her blonde hair in two pigtails. My eyes widened before I sighed, looking back at Mrs. Choi and Soonyoung.

“Morning!” She greeted in the loudest voice ever and came to a stop next to me, “Damn! This place is fucking awesome!”

I threw Yerim a look before I sighed again, pointing at her outfit, “Are you headed to Disneyland or something?” 

“I look like a princess, don’t I?” She giggled excited, twirling around in a slow pirouette. I pushed her shoulder playfully.

“More like a Barbie doll” Soonyoung walked up to us with a smirk on his lips, eyes traveling over Yerim’s body. I gulped as I looked at the wall ahead, trying to ignore the sudden fire that was ignited inside my body. Of course, Soonyoung flirts with every female from work, even Mrs. Choi sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not bothered by it every time he does it. In fact, I hate it. How he just so casually compliments other women with his flirty tone, looking them up and down; and I know they feel weak in the knees; how he just so casually winks at everyone or the playful touches, especially with Yerim. I like Yerim, a lot, she’s eccentric, much like Soonyoung, and she’s fun to hang out with. She swears a lot, but that’s something everyone already got used to, yet I can never brush aside the want to grab her by her silky blonde hair and smash her head against a wall. Sometimes she wears something overly sexy just because she likes the attention from Soonyoung, and I know because she confessed to it some time ago while we were on a coffee break in the recreation room. I wanted to throw my coffee at her when I heard her words. Very mature, I know.

“Guess you could be my Ken for tonight?” Yerim raised her eyebrows, a smirk crossing her lips and my jaw clenched when Soonyoung chuckled airily, leaning a bit closer to her.

“Just for tonight?” I wanted to kick him, drag him away by his hair, gag his mouth with toilet paper, and scream at him that I love him, that I want him, that he’s mine. But instead, I took a deep breath and exhaled quietly, trying to put on an amused smile and smooth out the venomous tone wanting to come through.

“You can sort out your business after we are done here,” I gripped Yerim’s arm a bit too harshly and turned her around, “Because the bride just arrived and you need to dress her up for the photoshoot”

“Fuck, she’s here?” Yerim exclaimed, “I gotta run to the car to bring in the clothes, catch you later!”

I shook my head as Soonyoung giggled while we watched Yerim run away in her pink stiletto heels. Mrs. Choi was still at the front, sorting out the name tags for the tables.

“Go do your job, Mr. Kwon” I turned to Soonyoung with raised eyebrows and he did a mocking salute before glancing back to see what Mrs. Choi was doing.

“Yes, ma’am, yes” Then he took a step closer and my eyes widened when he squeezed my ass, “I want to bend you over and fuck you against one of those tables, this dress fits your body in all the right places”

I bit my lower lip, staring into Soonyoung’s hooded eyes as his gaze dropped to my lips. Yes, I think I would like that proposition a lot, but then the words he said to Yerim rang through my head and the heat I felt was suddenly gone. Right, we are at work.

“Just...do your job, Soonyoung” I muttered breathless, pushing him away gently. He groaned as he took a glance at my lips again then walked out, leaving me with Mrs. Choi. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my foggy mind, organize my messy thoughts. Sometimes I wish I never agreed to this whole madness with Soonyoung. 

“Dear, I think you messed up a few names, come check it out!” Mrs. Choi called from the front of the room and I started walking towards her with a sigh.

“Coming now!”

       Pictures and pictures lay endlessly on my big counter in the kitchen, laptop pushed to the side and wine glass in my hands. Yesterday’s reception went amazingly, the bride and groom were in love with how I decorated the place and earlier today I was assigned another couple. They’ve been together for half a year only and they were pretentious. They had a sophisticated taste and every little detail mattered. They even instructed me to place five white pearls on each table, not more not less. It was challenging and my headache was turning stronger as I kept staring at various pictures of what I could do for the reception. I’ve been working in this field for a long time now, but some clients were indeed special. Special enough to give me a headache, that is. I groaned as I pushed the picture of the reception, that I did last year, beach themed, and placed my wine glass down, far away from my laptop and pictures. It wasn’t even that tiring, yet I felt like I haven’t slept in days. My brain was restless. It wanted me to tell Soonyoung everything, to confess finally. My chest felt heavy every time I had to look at him flirting with other women, draining a great deal of my energy. I want to confess, badly, but I’m scared. He’s so good at concealing his feelings, that I genuinely can’t even predict his reaction. Would he be surprised? Would he be angry? Would he laugh at me? Would he tell me he already knew? Would he tell me…he feels the same? Countless and countless scenarios ran through my mind as I quickly slapped my cheeks and looked back down at the pictures. Focus, Y/N, your job is more important than your feelings right now. The bride wanted purple colored decoration but the groom something orange. Now, these two colors would look hideous together but somehow, we have to make them work. How? That’s what I’m currently trying to work out. Maybe use purple decoration and put orange flowers here and there? Maybe use orange pearls? No, she pointed out she wanted white ones. What if I use white and orange ones? That wouldn’t look too bad. What if I decorate the bride and groom’s table orange and the rest purple? That shouldn’t look so bad. I should talk to Soonyoung first, see what his ideas are. After all, we are partners when it comes to our work, we do it together. We were supposed to be doing this together right now, actually, but something urgent came up and Soonyoung had to cancel. Something so urgent that he couldn’t even tell me about it, that hasn’t happened before. We are friends, first of all, we tell each other most things. As I reached for my glass of wine, my phone pinged, alerting me that I had a message. From Soonyoung, I knew because he has a different ringtone. I reached for my phone and opened it up as I took a small sip of my wine. I almost finished what I had poured out in my glass.

From Soonyoung: Be there in ten!

My eye widened as I nearly dropped my glass. Be here in ten? What does he mean? He can’t just come over like that! I’m not in the mood to get laid tonight, I actually have a lot of work to do! And he has too, what is he thinking?!

To Soonyoung: No, you can’t come over!

The response was almost immediate.

From Soonyoung: Too late, I’m two blocks away.

To Soonyoung: Don’t drive and text you idiot!

My heart started beating erratically as my eyes scanned my apartment. Shit! It’s a mess! I quickly hopped of from the stool and ran into my bedroom to put on a lacey bra. Maybe I can convince him to leave me alone tonight and actually get some work done together. I quickly pulled my hair in a low messy bun and ran back out to my living room. I quickly arranged the pillows on my sofa and turned off the TV, which was on for some background noise. I groaned as my eyes fell on the leftover pizza, that I left on the coffee table, the box too big for me to quickly throw away so I took it in my hands and walked to my counter and dropped it off behind it. No, you shouldn’t put food on the floor, am I desperate enough to do it? Yes. My kitchen was open so there was no wall separating my living room from it, just the counter. Before I could do anything else, I heard the turn of a key and the lock unlocking as Soonyoung came into view. I quickly put on a small smile, trying not to fidget much as my heart continued to beat quickly. I could never get enough of seeing him. It’s always as if it’s the first time. He takes my breath away. I gulped as I watched him take his shoes off at the entrance and he closed the front door, not locking it. Is this a quick visit then? Does he have an idea and he just quickly wants to give me the sketch? He wouldn’t have taken off his shoes then, or come over, he would have just done it tomorrow at work.

“So, what are you doing here?” I cleared my throat before speaking and Soonyoung looked at me with a wide grin. He looked so happy and enthusiastic that I couldn’t help it and returned the smile, with less energy though.

“Let’s sit down first!” He giggled as he skipped towards my grey sofa from the living room and I raised my eyebrows as I followed him, tugging on the sleeves of my oversized sweater. Soonyoung’s hands were crossed as he leaned his elbows forward on his knees and I sat next to him, a bit rigidly, as I waited for him to speak. I wanted to scoot a tiny little bit closer, to feel his body heat. He was like a magnet, always pulling me closer and closer until there was no space left between us. It was always so hard to not touch him when we were together. I always found somehow an excuse to lay my hands on him. Even if it was just the small action of smoothing down his shirt or collar of his coat.

“So…” He trailed off as he turned serious and I gulped. Did he figure it out? Does he know I love him? What’s with the sudden seriousness? He definitely isn’t here for sex. He would be undressing me by now if that was the case.

“So…” I trailed off, trying to get him to talk but patience laced my voice, to let him know it was okay if he needed time to word his thoughts.

“I’m going to be just plain forward, simple and honest.” He turned his head so that our brown eyes could look into each other’s, and I gulped loudly. Tonight, I fall, tonight he tells me he knew all along and that he can’t return the feelings. And that’s heart wrenching but perhaps even alright. I understand.

“I have a girlfriend” Silence, that’s what followed his words. Deafening silence. The sentence, ‘I have a girlfriend’, echoed through my mind as if he said it again. I gulped and smoothed out my face, no reaction.

“You have a girlfriend?” My voice was composed, sincere and curious. I even smiled, giggling inside. Soonyoung has a girlfriend? I silenced my thoughts, almost screaming at them to shut up, as Soonyoung opened his mouth to speak again.

“Yes” His voice was so quiet, he looked shocked. I was the one feeling shocked actually. My smile widened and for some reason, the way Soonyoung was watching me, made me feel like I was crazy.

“That’s amazing! I never thought I’d hear you saying those words!” I chuckled as I went to reach out and squeeze his hand, but stopped myself and instead scratched my thigh as if it started itching. He has a girlfriend, I can’t touch him, not anymore.

“Yeah-yeah…” Soonyoung breathed, gulping almost speechless as he continued watching me like a hawk, “It finally happened, I guess. It’s out of the blue, I know, but…yeah.”

“Damn, it is out of the blue!” I exclaimed and crossed one leg over the other, trying to hide my trembling hands as I slid them between my thighs, “But…you know, we are back to being friends. Just friends, Soonyoung”

Soonyoung’s jaw clenched at my words and I almost frowned as I bit my lower lip nervously, scared it would start trembling as well. My whole body was on the verge of trembling, my heart was thumping so loudly I was afraid I wouldn’t hear Soonyoung’s response.

“Just friends?” He whispered but then caught himself and cleared his throat, “Yeah! We are great friends, aren’t we?”

“Bestest friends, Soonyoung” I laughed, tears almost pooling up in my eyes, almost, “Since high school, eh?”

“Yeah, who would’ve thought…” Soonyoung shrugged his shoulders before abruptly standing up, “I have to work on the interior design, I didn’t get to do any work yet”

My eyes fell on my packed counter and my eyes remained glued to it. I didn’t want to look at Soonyoung anymore, I felt sick. Nauseous. I wanted to grab my glass of wine and throw it at him, but I forced myself to turn my head back and stare him in the eyes.

“You better, I’m almost finished with my ideas. Just drop off your sketches in my office tomorrow morning” Soonyoung nodded as he sniffed and glanced around my apartment before his eyes fell on my body, running all over it. I hated it; I hate him. Because I knew what he was thinking by the way his eyes darkened.

“You’re wearing my favorite hoodie” His voice was quiet and lower as he licked his lips and I walked up to him and quickly hugged him, but there was no force in my arms, no passion whatsoever.

“It’s late, I’m tired since I worked all day. See you tomorrow, Soonyoung” I didn’t give him time to reciprocate the hug and pulled away as I walked to the front door and grabbed the handle. Soonyoung smiled, but it didn’t look genuine at all, as he walked next to me and took on his shoes. His body was so close to mine that I could feel his warmness, his intoxicating scent. His eyes narrowed when he rose back up, scrutinizing me as my smile widened.

“Good night, then” He stepped out as I opened the door for him.

“Good night!” I watched him walk towards the elevator and push the button to order it up. He turned his head a little and I waved cutely at him, watching him as he boarded the elevator once it arrived. The doors closed and Soonyoung was gone from my vision. Disgust flooded my body as I closed my door slowly, the clicking of one lock feeling like a scream in my quiet apartment. The second lock, however, set everything off. The second turn of the lock, made my heart explode into a million pieces. My heart was glass and that glass just exploded into so many tiny pieces, that it would never be mended back together. It needs to be thrown away and replaced. But you can’t throw away a heart just like that. My hands startled trembling violently as I finally let my body do whatever it wanted. I was alone, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. My thoughts, the ones I screamed at to stay silent, suddenly came back screaming at me. ‘I have a girlfriend’, it made me chuckle. Because, really, it’s very hilarious! How did I never notice?! Then it turned into a giggle, because, honestly, we are best friends! How did it slip through my fingers? How did I not see it sooner? Wait, why did he never tell me? And suddenly, I was sobbing. Tears were flowing down my cheeks so quickly that there was no reason for me to wipe them away, new ones would replace them. I leaned against the wall as my body curled into a ball as much as it could while standing. My thoughts screamed continuously: ‘This is your fault! Why did you not tell him earlier? Why are you sobbing right now? It’s disgusting what you are doing, please stop! You are such a fucking idiot, Y/N! He has a girlfriend.’

My head started throbbing worse and I straightened up and glanced around, eyes falling on the bottle of wine. My throat felt dry, my eyes were burning and there was definitely snot coming out of my nose, a bit salty, as I wiped it away with the sleeve of my sweater. Disgusting, I’ll have to wash it tomorrow. I grinned as I walked up to the counter and took the bottle in my hands, examining it. Rosé, my favorite. What a perfect timing to get fucking wasted. I sat on the stool and raised the bottle, pouring as much of the alcohol that I could in my mouth without choking myself. Suddenly then I realized that the throbbing of my head wasn’t the worst feeling I was feeling right now. Oh no. It was the hollowness in my chest that made me choke up and start another downpour of tears. It was so foreign yet so familiar. Turns out, I’ve always felt like this when it came to Soonyoung, just not this intensely. I wanted to rip my hair out, to kick someone, to scream at Soonyoung. How could he play with my heart so much without knowing what he was doing? Why did I allow him to do that? Why did I go so deep that I allowed him to make me feel like this? Like what? Like utter garbage, like the leftover you get disgusted by when you look at it, like that present you get from your aunt and you hate but you have to pretend you like? And disgust. It was so powerful, I wanted to scrub it all away. I glared at the last place where Soonyoung stood not so long ago and took off towards the window, forcefully opening it to get rid of his scent. I have to wash myself and every single clothing and bed sheet he’s ever touched. I have to clean everything. I have to clean myself.

        The next morning, I looked worse than what I felt like. My eyes were burning, still, puffy and even red. My nose was red and my upper lip swollen. I looked horrible and I panicked more and more the longer I looked in the mirror. Not even makeup can salvage the way I look, at least not the kind of makeup that I know how to apply. I groaned as I grabbed my phone and dialed the person I wanted to talk to least as first thing in the morning.

“It’s so fucking early! You are lucky I was already awake or else—”

“Good morning” I cut Yerim off with a grunt and the girl just sighed.

“Are you okay?” She asked calmly, realizing how weird this was. I rarely called the girl for anything other than work and I didn’t even tell her yet what I needed.

“Somewhat” I muttered as I tried to tame my wild hair, “Question.”

“Shoot, damn, you’re making me anxious, Y/N!” I rolled my eyes as Yerim shuffled on the other end of the phone.

“Can you do my makeup today?” I asked while chewing on my lower lip, afraid of her reaction.

“Fuck yes! Finally!” Yerim exclaimed and I scrunched my nose up at her loudness, “I’ve been waiting for this my whole life!”

“Okay, cool, I’ll see you in an hour at work!” Before she could say anything else, I quickly hung up and groaned. God damn it, I look horrible! I quickly pulled my wild hair in a high ponytail and got to washing my face, trying to get the swell to go away with cold water. After drinking all the wine, I had in that bottle, I went and took a hot shower, burning my skin because I was drunk and stupid, and then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. I don’t think I have ever before cried so much. My chest felt empty and hollow still, my eyes filled with tears still when I thought of Soonyoung, but I felt lighter. The break down last night wasn’t something pretty but it was better than bottling it up for longer. I already bottled up too many things.

When Yerim saw me, she gasped and probably swore for at least ten minutes, I didn’t check the time. She didn’t ask questions so at least I didn’t have to come up with a stupid excuse, but she scolded me every five minutes and kept saying she’d have to come over to give my skin a treatment after I dared to destroy it last night. I was itching to ask her if she had a treatment for my broken heart as well, but I didn’t. I would sound bitter and I didn’t want to explain myself. Today, I wanted to be left alone. By everyone. I wanted to close my eyes every time Soonyoung passed by, I wanted to block out his voice, his flirty and annoying remarks. I just wanted to work on the design for the upcoming reception, but for that I needed to see Soonyoung. And I didn’t want to do that, so I postponed our meeting. We have a whole month until the reception, I don’t have to rush myself so much right now. I need at least a week to recover.

But that was a lie. A week turned into a week and five days. It was finally Friday and I’d be free for the next two days. I could do some touch up on the sketches Soonyoung left in my office last week and finally organize a meeting where we can talk about all the little important details. I still wasn’t ready to just face him, but I had to suck it up. We are adults, aren’t we? I might as well start acting like it, but only starting from next Monday. Today, I shall still wallow in my pain and ignore Soonyoung as best as I can. Which is starting to become harder and harder as his text are becoming more and more overwhelming. I could brush him off for one week, making it seem like I was actually busy with work and not dying a little bit more every night while I watched my favorite movie, ate mint chocolate ice cream and drank wine to wash away the hollowness in my chest. It didn’t even work, it just made it worse for the next day when I looked in the mirror and saw how messy and unkept I looked. I didn’t exactly care but I knew I had to stop being a baby when even Mrs. Choi voiced her concerns about my well-being. I didn’t even know others could see my suffering. Everyone but Soonyoung, who would happily waltz into my office from time to time and tell me random things, which used to entertain me before, but now they were just pissing me off. I wanted to smash his face in, but I couldn’t.

  I was quietly enjoying my coffee in the recreation room when another person entered, making me sigh to myself quietly. I’d have to make conversation again, lovely. But as I turned to face the incomer, my breath caught in my throat and my heart thudded in a dull way. Soonyoung was standing close to me, staring me in the eyes intently, with his eyes narrowed. I gulped and quickly raised the mug to my lips to take a big sip of my coffee, finding it as an excuse to break eye contact.

“Okay, what’s happening with you?” Soonyoung asked when I loudly slurped the coffee, voice angry. My eyes widened as I looked at him, taken aback by his sudden anger. He was rarely angry; it took a lot to piss of Kwon Soonyoung.

I gulped and shrugged as I side stepped him, putting distance between our bodies, “I don’t know. Nothing?”

He was only standing so close to me to intimidate me, to make me tell him what he wanted to know. But I wouldn’t do what he wanted anymore, we were over that. I wasn’t going to bend to his wishes so easily anymore.

“How’s your girlfriend doing?” I asked with a smile, trying not to cringe at the word ‘girlfriend’ and to keep an even tone.

“Pretty well, don’t change the subject” Soonyoung snapped and I dropped my fake happy smile.

“I didn’t” I muttered and continued to slurp my coffee loudly, realizing it was pissing Soonyoung off more. It was actually quite entertaining to watch him clench and unclench his jaw while he glared at my mug, who knew such little action could tick him off!

“Yes, you did and stop slurping that God damn coffee like a five-year-old!”

“Woah, woah, there, horsy! What’s got your knickers in a twist?” I asked with a snicker and Soonyoung opened his mouth lightning fast but he closed it a second later. He took a deep breath and his eyes softened. My heart skipped a beat, the broken pieces becoming a bit more broken if that’s possible, and I tried to look away from his face but our eyes were glued together.

“I don’t know what’s happening with you, but you barely speak to me nowadays” Soonyoung spoke quietly, leaning against the counter defeated. Shit, guilt enveloped me as I watched his tired face, “Your responses to my text messages are dry, you don’t hang out with me anymore and you always throw me out of your office when I have something to rant about! Why are you ignoring me?!”

I lowered my mug on the table that was between us and tried to push down the sudden urge to walk up to him and hug him tightly and apologize, “I know, I just…I’m so busy. These clients are really making me work hard. I mean, their color combination is horrible and we have to make it work somehow. I’m also trying to match the decoration to your sketches, while trying to find a fitting set for the photoshoot. I guess I just got really busy suddenly. But when we are done with these clients we can—uh, hang out…”

“Hang out, yeah” Soonyoung whispered as he looked down at the ground and I bit my lip nervously. It’s not like what I said was a total lie, “Jihoon misses you, you should come hang out with us sometime when you decide to rest even for a second”

Jihoon misses me. Only Jihoon? Jihoon and I aren’t even friends, we just know each other because he’s Soonyoung’s flat mate and because I would go over to have sex with Soonyoung almost daily. I wanted to hear Soonyoung saying he misses me, I wanted him to tell me he can’t live without me, that his heart breaks every day more as we spend less and less time together. This is just like the first time we grew apart, but a lot more painful. Back then I thought I only lost a friend, now I feel like I lost a piece of myself as well.

“I’ll see when I finally get to rest” I smiled at Soonyoung again before quickly leaving the room, leaving a solemn Soonyoung behind. Unlike me, he radiated more and more as days went by. His smile was wider than ever, his laughter louder than before. He even stopped flirting so obviously with the other women, especially Yerim, and it made me think how serious his relationship must be. He never spoke about it, but the little changes said enough. Or at least the little changes he wanted us to see, his real feelings buried deep inside away from everyone’s eyes.

        The day was finally over and I dragged myself home. My apartment quickly became my sanctuary over the past week. Here nobody could bother me if I didn’t let them in and most importantly! I didn’t have to see Soonyoung! If before I couldn’t wait to see Soonyoung, now I can’t wait to get away and ignore him. It’s not the best way to deal with things, I’m further ruining our friendship, but it’s the only way I can cope. For now, I’ll just ignore him for as long as I can, and once I get over him, I can tell him why I did what I did. He would understand me, for sure, and hopefully even forgive me. If I thought before, that I think too much about Soonyoung, ever since he told me he has a girlfriend I feel like I’m obsessed with him. I’m constantly thinking of him and all the if’s that could have been. It’s not healthy and I keep telling myself to stop, but it’s really hard. I want to be the one he hugs and whispers his lame jokes to when cuddling in bed. I want to be the one who gets to wake up to him next to me every morning and cook together breakfast that will be burnt in the end. I want to be the one who’d argue with him for having a messy room, and I want to be with him and plan a future, our future. But I’m not and that thought drives me into craziness and I just want to run into a wall and let my body fall crushed to the ground. But I can’t do all those, I have to live my life. This is just another cruel joke that life has to offer me and so far, I’m not taking it well at all. Jokes are supposed to be funny.

Surprisingly enough, ever since I became pretty much depressive, I found the little motivation hidden deep inside to clean up my apartment and cook daily! My apartment hasn’t been this clean ever since I stopped living with my parents, I made great effort to keep it crystal clear. I even started calling Yerim almost daily to ask her for new recipes, apparently, she’s an amazing cook! I never knew all the cookies she brough to work were cooked by her! It’s as if the suffering Soonyoung caused me has opened my eyes to a new world, in which he didn’t play that much part, and that world, as painful as it was, was actually much better and liberating. But my high spirits were crushed when I opened one cupboard and saw I had no pasta…or sauce for the pasta. I then thought of ditching home cooked dinner but then I opened my fridge and realized I drank all the wine last night. Damn it! I groaned loudly as I turned around and quickly hopped into my white sneakers and pulled on my brown coat. I must look horrible wearing sweatpants, and a turtle neck with a coat. But the little market is just five minutes away, it’s already 8pm, there’s not many people outside since it’s cold. I locked the front door and instead of taking the elevator and wasting my time by waiting for it, I quickly raced down the seven flight of stairs and left the building, shivering at the cold. I underestimated the weather tonight, I should have worn my thick jacket instead of this coat! But that only urged me to walk faster in order to reach the market and the lovely warmness. The bell chimed loudly, the sound drowned out by the music coming from the stereos, as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. There was no one behind the counter and I looked around, trying to remember where the pasta was last time. The boss of the market has a weird habit of reorganizing the aisles every few weeks, confusing, but I won’t question it. As I passed by the freezers my eyes fell on the wines and I hurried towards them, quickly zeroing out my favorite brand. I took a bottle off the shelf and looked around to find the pasta. It was at the second aisle to my left and I strutted towards it with a victorious smile. However, once I got there, I stopped with furrowed eyebrows. What kind of pasta should I buy? There are so many types, I never understood the logic behind it. Isn’t pasta, pasta? Why do you need so many types? Just make spaghetti and everyone will buy it! Why have penne, tagliatelle, tortilla and all the other types that I don’t even know the names of. I rubbed my chin as my eyes juggled between the tagliatelle and the penne. I want to eat Carbonara tonight, but won’t it be too greasy if I use tagliatelle? Maybe I should just go for penne. But penne are so small! I sighed as I took a step back and continued to think of which one to choose, playing with the bottle of wine in my hands. I was so lost in thought that I almost didn’t notice the guy slowly inching closer and closer, eyes focused on the products that were displayed on the shelf. If I wouldn’t have stepped back when I did, he definitely would’ve crushed my toes.

“Oh” He whispered at my sudden movement, eyes widening. My lips formed a thin line as I looked at him wordlessly, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there”

“Yeah, I figured” I mumbled as I watched from the corner of my eye as he bowed his head a little bit. He had light brown hair and it was falling all over his forehead in little waves. I ignored the stranger as I looked back at the different types of pasta and just sighed. But my sigh was louder than I expected, in fact, I realized, the stranger looked just as defeated as I felt. Hearing my sigh caught his attention as I saw him glancing at me from the corner of his eyes.

“You have trouble choosing one?” I found myself asking as I glanced at the stranger again from the corner of my eye. He was quick to look away, but his slightly pink cheeks indicated the fact that he knew I caught him staring.

“Yeah!” The guy chuckled, his voice light and melodic. It carried a warmness that unwillingly brought a smile to my lips.

“You’ve been standing here for longer than me, though” He spoke up again, an amused smile crossing his lips as he looked at me, “You must be more troubled”

“Yeah!” I nodded, finally facing him fully. His eyes were big and I felt like he was smiling at me just with his eyes, as his lips now were in a pout. He was dressed casually and I couldn’t help but laugh when his outfit registered in my mind. His eyes widened a bit as he looked at me and I quickly shook my head.

“Nothing’s funny—I mean, I’m not laughing at you!” I quickly said before he could misunderstand furthermore, “Your outfit, it’s just—before I left my apartment, I thought how hideous I look wearing sweatpants with a coat.”

The handsome stranger looked down at his outfit and then back at me, his eyes wide again, “I know, right?! My friend would be horrified if he saw me dressed like this!”

I giggled and nodded my head quickly, realizing Yerim would’ve skinned me alive, “Mine wouldn’t have appreciated it either”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow and I almost choked when I realized the sudden warmness on my cheeks was me blushing. Since when do I speak to strangers? Wait, no, since when does a stranger make me blush by such little action? Well, I can’t blame myself too much, this stranger is really eye catching. He’s handsome, I mean, really, handsome.

“So…did you decide yet on what pasta you want?” He cleared his throat as he looked away sheepishly, and I wanted to think it was because he saw my blush and became shy. This stranger wasn’t just handsome, he was actually really cute. And it’s weird how his voice solely made me feel safe, I don’t even know him. But something about his whole demeanor screams safety and lots of warmness. I can imagine what a day would feel like with him. Lots of giggles and laughter, and good time spent well together.

“I don’t understand why there’s so many types. Wasn’t one enough? Why do I have to choose one? What’s their purpose?” The stranger started laughing as I sulkily stared at the shelf, glaring at the pasta. Suddenly something warm spread through my chest hearing his laughter again, and I blushed, again.

“Well, if it helps, I don’t know either, but I choose penne” He stepped forward and grabbed a pack of penne before turning around to face me.

“I think I’m going with the same choice…” I muttered as I followed his previous actions and turned to face him once I had the pack in my right hand, left holding the wine. I made sure to leave a respectable amount of space between us, even though I wouldn’t have minded being a bit closer to him. He had an innocent sort of lure that was getting harder to ignore.

“I’m Joshua.” After a few seconds of silence, the stranger, Joshua, spoke up. His name rolled down effortlessly his tongue, articulating the name with a perfect American accent. I blushed and I almost slapped my own cheek in front of this handsome man—Joshua.

“I’m Y/N,” I squeaked out once I realized I stayed quiet for too long, “Uhm—your name it’s—uh…you’re a foreigner?”

I wanted to dig my own grave as I stuttered over my own words, my cheeks becoming warmer as a sweet smile appeared on Joshua’s lips. Many would have been amused by my reaction, but he looked understanding, like he wasn’t bothered by me asking.

“Sort of,” He started explaining and I raised my eyebrows at his answer, “I grew up in LA, but I moved back when I was around ten years old”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding and Joshua scratched the back of his neck, “Explains the subtle accent”

He chuckled and now it was his turn to blush and I had to bite my lip to not smile so widely, “Yeah, well—you could call me Jisoo too. But I might not react to that name…”

“I think Joshua fits you, it’s a pretty name” A pretty name for a pretty boy, I almost continued aloud, feeling just as flustered as Joshua looked.

“Thank you” He mumbled quietly and I cleared my throat and motioned for us to start walking.

“You live in the neighborhood?” I asked as we walked towards the cashier.

“No, but my friend does” Joshua answered with a shake of his head and I hummed, glancing at him again. He was attention capturing, my thoughts were suddenly silenced. I was only focused on him, a sudden calmness overtaking me, calmness I haven’t felt in long. Even the hollowness in my chest felt subsided. And he’s just a stranger, he made me feel like that in the ten minutes we interacted. Could he make me feel more if we were to spend more time together? With the sudden surge of confidence and curiosity, I opened my mouth to speak up again.

“Do you want to exchange phone numbers?” Joshua stopped walking and he turned to look at me shocked. I examined his face to see if I made him uncomfortable, but he only looked surprised, “It’s fine if you don’t want to, Joshua”

“No! I actually want to!” He quickly spoke up and fished his phone out of his pocket at lightning speed. I smiled and took it in my hands, his phone unlocked already, as I went to his contacts to type in my number.

“I left my phone at home so you’ll have to text me first” I said with a wink as I handed his phone back after I saved my number, “I really hope you’ll text me…”

Joshua giggled as he quickly worked something on his phone, his fingers working fast before he was showing the phone’s screen to me.

To Y/N: Hi, this is Joshua. I promise I’m not a creep, can you promise me the same thing?

I laughed quietly as I nodded my head when Joshua put his phone away, “I can promise you that I’m not a creep.”

“Good.” He grinned and placed his items on the counter, “As much as I’d like to spend some more time with you right now, Minghao isn’t a very patient person, and we are hungry too”

“Oh, yes, sure! Wouldn’t want to hold you back from having dinner” I placed my own items on the counter as Joshua paid for his purchase. The cashier scanned my wine and penne before she placed the items in a bag.

“I hope you’ll answer my text, I’m not very patient when it comes to texting…” Joshua said in a teasing manner as he held the door open for me, we walked out together after I paid.

“Give me five minutes” I chuckled as we stopped in front of the shop, shivering as the cold breeze passed underneath our coats.

“I’ll give you ten” Joshua smiled a bit and I chuckled before biding him goodbye and quickly hurrying home. I wasn’t even that hungry anymore, I just wanted to talk to Joshua. I was giddy and breathless by the time I made it up to my apartment, having ran up seven flight of stairs. It felt like all my worries were gone as I looked forward to texting Joshua, a good feeling spreading through my body.

        It only took us two days to agree on going on a date. It was the fastest someone has taken me out on a date after getting to know me. But during those two days, Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I’ve known Joshua for my whole life. He was really funny, in a very innocent way meanwhile Soonyoung’s energy always drained me. However, Joshua, he knew how to balance out being serious but funny at the same time. Sometimes he would make snarky comments and I didn’t fail to notice his mischievous nature. He liked to play pranks on his friends, I found out after he told me a story of him pranking his two friends at work. His boss wasn’t very impressed with Joshua but he likes him too much to fire him for such petty thing, and it was April 1st. Joshua worked as a banker in the city center, half an hour away from my own office. He likes to take long walks in his free time, he likes going on little trips in the country, rides his bicycle every Saturday in the forest on the outskirts of the city, he likes playing the guitar and watching movies when he’s feeling stressed. We agreed on doing a movie night the next time he gets stressed. I felt like a high school girl when talking to Joshua. My heart would start beating faster every time my phone alerted me that I had a new message and I would be really disappointed when it was just a simple notification and not Joshua texting me. However, he did keep his word about being an impatient texter. He really didn’t make me wait with his replies and if he was busy, he’d tell me, so that I knew why he wasn’t able to answer me right away. On Friday, the day we met in the shop, we stayed up until 3 am texting. I would burst out laughing every five minutes, maybe it was from the wine in my system, but everything Joshua said that night seemed to be overly funny. He told me he’s never seen someone looking so serious while shopping for pasta, neither did he think someone would get frustrated over such topic: ‘why are there so many types’. My cheeks flared up when he confessed telling his friend, Minghao, that he took so long to arrive back to his apartment because he was talking to a chick who was angry at pasta. He also said, Minghao’s words, “that he can’t believe Joshua was able to pick up a girl looking dressed like that”. I had to agree with Minghao and Joshua feigned hurt for a good ten minutes, ten minutes that I wouldn’t stop laughing because wasn’t Minghao right? Even I thought we looked ridiculous dressed like that. It was hard to put my phone aside and focus on my work, work that I tried pushing to the back of my mind, because it reminded me of Soonyoung. And Joshua made me feel so good and happy, that even the thought of thinking of Soonyoung infuriated me. I didn’t want to see him or think of him, I didn’t want the hollowness in my chest to return, the frustrating thoughts and wondering of what could have been, I wanted peace and happiness. Joshua offered me those and I tried to focus on them while working, even if it was hard. Soonyoung hasn’t texted me for three days now, and I would lie if I said I didn’t hope he’d do it. I missed him, again, and I missed him badly. I wanted to cuddle up next to him in bed and whine about the horrible color choices the bride and groom made. That I couldn’t handle this task without him, that I could barely handle myself without him. But I refused to do that, I realized it was unhealthy and I realized Soonyoung truly does see me as his best friend and I’m ruining the friendship we tried so badly to restore once we met again at work. I was selfish for ignoring him, but I couldn’t think of any other coping way. His words still hurt me, his words like poison to my heart. But Joshua…he made it all go away. He pulled me in and made me think of the present only and the feelings he was giving me. No Soonyoung, no pain. That’s why I decided Joshua deserved a chance, I deserved a chance. Soonyoung was happy, then why wouldn’t I be too? Why limit myself to a man who didn’t see me the way I see him? It was time to mature and move on.

My smile spread from ear to ear as I read the text from Joshua, ‘Good morning, cutie ^^’, while I brushed my teeth. I slept well last night but now my stomach wouldn’t stop grumbling. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have breakfast yet, it was because in an hour I’d be on a date with Joshua. Our very first date, and hopefully there is many more to come. I quickly sent back a good morning text and did my morning routine. Once I was dressed in a nice dark green, form fitting, dress that reached my ankles, I grabbed my purse and folder that I needed for later for the meeting. My red high heels clicked loudly as I descended the stairs, I might hate elevators because they kind of make me feel claustrophobic. I quickly got into my car once I got outside, shivering at the cold morning breeze. Joshua had a tight schedule this week and so did I, it was my own fault really for postponing the meeting with Soonyoung for so long, so we agreed on having a breakfast date at the coffee shop that’s closest to both of our workplaces. The car ride to the coffee shop didn’t take as long as I expected, today’s traffic wasn’t so bad, that was a first. So, I got there earlier and decided to wait in front of the coffee shop, but to my surprise, Joshua was already waiting at the front entrance. I quickly hurried up and hearing my high heels, Joshua turned towards me and smiled. A wide smile appeared on my own lips as I stopped in front of him, cheeks warming up when he pulled me in a short but warm hug. We greeted each other shyly and Joshua opened the door for me, both of us shivering once we were inside and enveloped in warmness.

“What would you like?” Joshua’s eyebrows rose as he turned towards me.

“One tall Caramel Macchiato and a croissant sandwich.” I answered and Joshua nodded before walking to the front counter. I looked around and chose a seat that was next to the wall, a pretty painting of flowers hung above the table. There weren’t many people in the shop right now as it was early and most people were already at work, thankfully, our schedules started later on the day. We had two hours before we had to head to work.

“Here” Joshua whispered more to himself as he placed down a tray in front of me, my order on it. I thanked him and helped him with his own tray, taking it from him and placing it on the table as he took his coat off and hung it on the hanger behind our table. I quickly followed his actions and took off my own coat, hanging it next to his.

“Do you plan on telling me how much my order was?” I asked with a smile as Joshua chuckled and shook his head, “Okay, I’ll just look at the menu on our way out and pay you back before we part ways”

“Oh, come on, Y/N!” Joshua giggled as he leaned back in his chair, his warm brown eyes connecting with mine, “It’s our first date. Next time I’ll let you pay for both of us”

“Only if on the third date we get to split evenly” I pointed a playful finger at him and a big smile spread on his lips, which he tried to hide by drinking from his drink. It was Caramel Macchiato, good choice.

“I really like the idea of a third date…” He trailed off and I bit my lower lip, looking down at my food.

“To be honest, I haven’t been on a date in ages, so I might be a bit rusty at it” I admitted and giggled a bit, feeling embarrassed. I was too wrapped up in Soonyoung to go on dates, or to even think about someone else. Apparently, he wasn’t.

“Don’t worry, so far so good” I gave Joshua a pointed look and he shrugged his shoulders, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“We’ve been together for like…fifteen minutes?” I glanced down at my wrist watch, “I don’t think I had the time to fuck up yet”

“Yeah, about that…” Joshua’s lips pulled up in a thin line and I raised my eyebrows.

“Now you made me curious, tell me all about it”

“Uh, maybe it’s not a first date kind of subject to talk about—”

“No, no, you really have to tell me Joshua, or I’ll nag you forever about it” I smacked my lips in a tight line and Joshua sighed before clearing his throat. He sat up tighter and his sudden serious demeanor took me by surprise, but when his lips quivered, I realized he was joking around and I gave him a small glare.

“Right, so…I went on a date with a girl, like…two years ago?” His eyes narrowed as he thought for a second, but then continued on with his story, “And like…I offered to pick her up and drive her to the cinema, we were having a movie date, and then while we are in the car, she turns pale and stops talking to me”

“Oh, your breath must have smelled really bad, dude…” I muttered, interrupting Joshua, and he threw me a warning glare. I started giggling and quickly bit into my croissant to muffle the sound as Joshua just shook his head.

“That really wasn’t the case, Y/N, I was literally chewing on the strongest gum out there—”

“If it’s Orbit, it really isn’t the strongest one, Shua” I interrupted once again and he wanted to glare at me, but his lips turned into a smile. My cheeks warmed up realizing that I just gave him a nickname, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

“It was Airwaves Extreme, hon, that thing throws your throat on fire” Just like my cheeks are on fire right now? I gulped down the rest of the croissant that was in my mouth carefully, trying to ignore the fact that he called me ‘hon’, shit, this is the first date only and I’m already dying? Was I out of the dating life for too long or does Joshua really have this effect on me?

“Anyways, back to the important things—the girl had food poisoning, so I had to drive her to the hospital. She felt bad for our ruined date, and so did I, until I found out she was set up by her younger sister and wasn’t really looking for a new relationship because she was pinning on a different guy already” I gulped a bit harder, eyes locking with Joshua’s. His lips were in a grimace and I hummed quietly, telling myself that I’m not pinning on Soonyoung. I’m getting over him, whatever I felt for him will soon be gone. Gone, because I have Joshua, because I want to try this out with him.

“What about the tickets…” I mumbled and Joshua nodded with a solemn look on his face.

“Didn’t go to waste, I went to the movie with Jeonghan, the co-worker I pranked” I giggled remembering the story he told me on Friday and wiped my mouth with a tissue before speaking.

“I still can’t believe you poured glitter all over his desk and his suit!” Joshua started laughing, his chest moving up and down by the force of it and I grinned, once again, from ear to ear.

“He looked good with the pink glitter though” He said with a grin once his laughter died down and I hummed, biting into my sandwich again.

“Are you not going to eat your breakfast?” I asked as I glanced down at his plate, two toasts sitting untouched.

“We’ve still got time, right?” He raised an eyebrow and I nodded as I glanced at my watch. Half an hour has already passed, but we still had time, indeed.

“I feel like I did all the talking…” He trailed off, playing with his tissue, “Like, I told you a lot about myself. Not that you didn’t tell me about your hobbies or something, but, you didn’t really talk about your childhood or friends…”

I hummed and took a sip of my drink, clearing my throat before speaking up, “Well, because I consider myself a boring person? I mean, compared to your filled childhood, mine sounds so boring. So, I didn’t want to like…bore you with mine, you know…”

“If I found you boring, Y/N, I wouldn’t have stayed up until 3 am or texted you daily or asked you on this date or would’ve thought about the other many dates that I’d like to go on with you” Joshua spoke with passion and a serious voice, making my heart beat quicken. He really wanted to hear my story, to get to know me. He was curious of who I used to be before I blossomed into the person I am today. I forgot, how it works when you meet someone new. When Soonyoung and I reconciled, I didn’t have to tell him everything about my life, I just had to fill in the gaps of the time he wasn’t part of my life, he already knew the rest about me. But Joshua is someone new, someone who doesn’t know, someone who doesn’t know my past self. He wants to know me more, to discover me and create a future with me.

“Where do I start…” I sighed as I glanced at the beautiful painting before looking back at Joshua, “I’m an only child, I was well off while growing up but we did struggle from time to time. My mother owns a restaurant and my father is a taxi driver. I’m usually late to everything, it’s a bad habit my father passed down on me. I went to college in my hometown because we couldn’t afford me going to a prestigious one, but that’s okay. I’m doing my dream job now, it all turned out well in the end. I don’t really have friends, if I’m being honest, I already told you I was never bothered being on my own. Being alone isn’t something that scares me, it gives me comfort rather.”

Joshua listened to me closely and nodded his head every once and then, a warm and understanding smile on his lips, “Come on, you must have had at least one friend…”

“Well,” I chuckled and tried to keep a neutral expression while thinking about Soonyoung, “I guess I accidentally did end up making a friend. We met back in high school, but during college we drifted apart because he transferred to a better college. And because the world is so small…we met at work again, became co-workers, so we reconciled. He’s known me for the longest. I guess I could call Yerim a friend too but…you know, I don’t feel her close to me like I do with…Soonyoung”

Joshua studied my expression and he nodded while blinking, lips jutted out a bit, “So…it’s a he, huh?”

I shrugged and took a sip of my Caramel Macchiato, “He ran into me in the hallway when we were both late to class…that definitely wasn’t the last time we were late to somewhere”

Joshua chuckled and nodded his head, a charming smile directed at me. I bit my lower lip, suddenly feeling shy under his intense gaze. It felt like he was looking straight into my soul and I took my time to shamelessly check him out. He was wearing a dark brown suit, a white shirt underneath and no tie on. He looked very official, all buttons done, unlike Soonyoung. He was always showing his collarbones off, a necklace on from time to time and, of course, his rings. Soonyoung never left the house without his rings. Joshua was his opposite. He wore no jewelry, and as attractive as I found men wearing rings and necklaces, I found Joshua even more attractive with his put together and elegant look. His hair was still messy, however, falling in his eyes in waves and I thought it looked even more attractive now with his current outfit.

“I think I could get used to mornings like this one…” Joshua spoke quietly, smile now turned fond and I let out a small sigh of air, “You look really beautiful”

“Thank you,” His words were so innocent and genuine, unlike the filthy words Soonyoung would whisper in my ear while we were at work, “I knew men in suits were attractive, but you took it to a whole another level”

Joshua burst out laughing and I followed him, feeling light and warm. My cheeks would hurt by the end of this date, that’s how much I smile because of Joshua. My skin tingled and my heart quickened every time I took a sneaky glance at him and I realized, it took him two days to make me like him. And I didn’t just like him, oh no, I liked him very much. But maybe it was attraction at first sight, something that I haven’t felt before. Not even with Soonyoung. This feeling was brand new and reserved for Joshua only. Finally, something that Soonyoung couldn’t rob me off.

“You should eat your toast, Shua, because I know if you won’t, I sure will” I said with a shrug and Joshua shook his head before finally taking one toast and biting into it. I smiled at him contently and sipped my drink, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in two weeks.

Our date came to an end sadly and we left the coffee shop half an hour before we’d have to start working. Joshua didn’t have a ride because Minghao offered him one, apparently, he slept over at his apartment, so I offered to drive Joshua to his workplace and save him from freezing to death. We walked to the parking lot and I unlocked my car when we were a few feet away and my eyes widened when Joshua sat in the driver’s seat. I stopped walking and gazed curiously at the passenger door as it was opened from the inside.

“Get in, hon, I’m driving today” I couldn’t help but laugh as I finally sat inside, turning towards Joshua amused.

“What are you doing, Shua?” I asked airily, unable to stop laughing.

“I would’ve opened the door for you before getting inside, but I have a feeling you would have refused, so…I took matters in my hands and I’ll be driving you to work!” He clapped his hands together once, excitedly, before he reached for his seatbelt. I was still laughing as I buckled in my own and opened my palm so that he could take the car keys. When his long fingers brushed against the skin of my palm, something that felt like slight electricity traveled up my arm all the way to my chest. This was new, I’ve never experienced this before. Not even the first time Soonyoung touched me in a sensual way. Joshua must have felt it too when his eyes lingered on my palm, and I bit my lip and turned away to look out the window as he started my car, engine roaring to life.

“You’ll be cold by the time you arrive to the Bank” I tried to convince Joshua while we were still in the parking lot, “It’s a twenty-minute-long walk. What if you get a flu? We’ll have to postpone our second date and maybe I’ll have to come over and nurse you—”

“If I get you to come over by getting sick, I will catch a flu on purpose” I tsked and lightly punched his thigh as we were in traffic and not in the parking lot anymore, aiming for his arm would be dangerous.

“I will come over some time, idiot, don’t catch a flu—”

“Oh, good.” He grinned as we stopped at a red light, turning his head towards me, “Calling me an idiot on the first date?”

I instantly blushed, my whole face going red probably, “Sorry, that was inappropriate”

Joshua just chuckled, driving past the traffic light as it turned green, a smirk on his handsome face, “I see you’re getting comfortable around me, we love to see it”

“Joshua…” I muttered quietly, throwing him a glare that I knew he could see from the corner of his eyes. His smirk turned into a wide smile and I sighed as I looked out the window, fighting my own smile to act like I was sulking.

“Don’t worry, I called Jeonghan to pick me up while you were in the restroom” Joshua spoke in a reassuring, warm, voice and I turned towards him again, gaping a bit.

“You, Hong Joshua Jisoo, are something” I huffed out, “First, your friend drives you to your date, then you steal your date’s car and drive her to work, but then your co-worker picks you up!”

“What can I say,” Joshua turned his head just a bit, enough for me to see the sneaky smirk, to glance at me, “I have good connections and I can be very persuasive”

“Mhm” I hummed with a grimace and he just laughed, slowing the car as he turned on the street that led behind the building I worked in. He turned into the parking lot and parked my car nicely, turning the engine off. We undid our seatbelts and Joshua gave me the keys. I was reaching for the door handle but Joshua’s hand on my left hand stopped me from doing so.

“Not to sound cocky, but I think you had a great time with me and I felt amazing for the past two hours, so…that second date is set then?” I grinned at Joshua and nodded my head.

“We go cycling on Wednesday, yes?” Joshua nodded his head, his hand still on mine. My heart started beating quickly again and I glanced down at our hands before squeezing his fingers lightly. When I looked back up at him, his smile was replaced with a contemplating look and I gulped, hoping he’d lean in and kiss me. Peck me on the cheek or give me an actual kiss, I didn’t care as long as his lips touched my face.

“Cycling on Wednesday because you are busy on Saturday, that’s right.” Joshua spoke quietly, eyes on my lips and I just wanted to lean in and kiss him, but decided to ground myself, “See? I’m even changing my habits for you”

“Which is good in case a serial killer was following you and figured out your habit, Joshua” Maybe that sentence was a mood killer, because Joshua laughed and stopped looking at my lips. I really shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t help myself. I knew he wouldn’t judge me, so everything that ran through my mind had to be voiced. With Soonyoung, that simple sentence definitely would’ve been a mood killer. He would’ve whined about me being weird and ruining the mood with stupid remarks, but Joshua didn’t do that. No, he actually leaned in and pressed his red lips against mine. His were soft and a bit cold as I pressed my lips back, closing my eyes and enjoying the way my heart was about to explode, the blush on my cheeks and the tingling of my skin. The kiss only lasted for a minute but it was enough, I didn’t want it to last longer. It felt loving and reassuring. It wasn’t desperate and demanding, like the kisses I was used to receiving from Soonyoung. This kiss felt like it said ‘we’ve got all the time in the world, let’s take it slow’, and I liked slow. I liked the process and the freedom I felt still.

“Go inside before you are late, again, Y/N” Joshua spoke sweetly, patting my hand before opening his door. I nodded to myself, he’s not wrong, and opened my door, getting out. Once the car was locked Joshua walked me to the front of the building and looked up at it, squinting.

“Have a good day, don’t forget to text me when you have time.” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m afraid I was too lazy and I really won’t have time to text you that much, maybe in the evening. You can still leave me messages, I’ll look at them when I have time!” Joshua hummed and nodded before patting down my hair.

“It was a bit ruffled…” He muttered and I smiled knowingly at him. Sure, it was, Joshua.

“Hey, yo!” Suddenly a shrill voice caught our attention and Joshua groaned, “Bro, you have exactly ten seconds to get in the car before I leave you here!”

Joshua closed his eyes in exasperation and I laughed as I pushed him forward, “Go, talk to you later!”

Joshua waved and winked as he jogged towards his friend’s parked car, Jeonghan I assume, his car was blocking the traffic and cars were already honking behind him.

“I’m going, I’m going!” Jeonghan shouted, his window still down, as he looked back at me, “Nice to meet you, pretty lady! Next time Joshua can introduce us formally, but we’ve got to go before these monsters cuss me out!”

“Bye!” I laughed and waved as Joshua rolled the window up, cheeks flushed as he shook his head at me, and Jeonghan took off, lips moving quickly as he spoke to Joshua. With a smile on my face, and carefree, I walked inside the building feeling proud that I wasn’t late today.

        My happiness didn’t last for long, as I was expecting it already. Everything went well until Soonyoung and I finally met up for the meeting in my office. I had all plans and sketches laid out on my table, all ready before Soonyoung came, so that we wouldn’t waste time on that as well. We were on a tight schedule and two weeks went by without us doing much, which was really my fault. But that meant that right now we had to move fast and decide what we wanted so that we could order everything for the reception and be ready on time. My stomach was making sounds the closer the time of the meeting came and I blamed it on the little breakfast I had, but I knew it was because of Soonyoung. I wasn’t ready to face him, not after the amazing morning I had with Joshua. I wanted to stay relaxed and cheerful, but I knew upon seeing Soonyoung I would turn moody and irritated. Seeing him would only make me miss him more, something I didn’t need right now. A knock on my door made me jump and I straightened up in my seat before calling out for the person that it was okay to enter. The door opened and in walked Soonyoung, looking just as flawless as always. He was still wearing his black suit, upper buttons of his white shirt undone and rings on his fingers. My eyes focused on the pendant hanging around his neck, realizing it was the one I bought him two years ago when we went on a vacation in Jeju. I gulped and focused my eyes on his face, trying to give him a genuine smile.

“Good morning,” He greeted quietly as he shuffled around, frowning down at the papers in his hands. I bit my lip and stopped myself before I could sigh, I really missed hearing his voice. I’ve been doing my best to ignore him and I was succeeding at it way too well.

“Good morning,” I greeted back once I found my voice, Soonyoung now was seated across from me, all papers placed down on the table.

“Fancy seeing you finally decided to meet up.” His voice was bitter and I rolled my eyes as I looked down at his sketches, refusing to make eye contact with him even though he was searching for my gaze intently.

“Yeah, I was really undecided about this project…” I muttered, reaching across my table and taking Soonyoung’s sketches into my hands. He mimicked my actions and did the same thing, my sketches in his hands. I hummed quietly as my eyes ran over the drawings Soonyoung made, reading the descriptions on the backs of them. He had good ideas and I liked them more than the ones I chose. However, his location choices didn’t fit well with the theme the bride and groom wanted. I was so lost in thought that I almost missed Soonyoung gazing intently at me, almost.

“What?” I snapped before I could control myself, eyes falling on him. He was chewing the inside of his mouth and just shrugged before he looked back down at the sketches.

“Nothing…” He muttered but looked back at me, sending the butterflies in a frenzy in my stomach, “Just missed you, I guess. And you look amazing today”

I gulped and ignored the way my body reacted to his words, the want to walk up to him and embrace him powerful, “Thanks. You look the same as always”

Soonyoung chuckled and sent me a smirk, one I decided to ignore, before he placed one sketch back on the table.

“I like this design, it looks good” He said, pointing at the paper and I nodded as I placed all of his sketches on the table.

“The locations you chose aren’t very fitting, Soonyoung, it doesn’t go well with the theme” I decided to be direct with him, the faster we get over this the better. I really want to text Joshua right now. And as if he’s a mind reader, my phone pinged, signaling I just got a message from him. Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me confused.

“Why are they not good? They want something water themed so I looked over all the locations they could afford and those are the only decent ones” He said, voice a bit aggressive, as he looked at me. It wasn’t like this was the first time we disagreed on something for work, but he never got hot headed about it.

“I get it, but they are either too small for all the people they invited to fit inside or not next to an actual water” I explained as my phone pinged again, and I bit my lip to hide my smile. Joshua must be having his lunch break right now. Which just reminds me of how hungry I am right now.

“You can’t have everything” Soonyoung shrugged nonchalantly, eyes falling on my phone when it made another sound, “They either give up on a few people or raise their budget where I can find them an actual place that has it all”

I threw him a glare before looking back down at the sketches, choosing one that could work out, “Yeah, well, it’s a bit too late to tell them we can’t find a suitable place. We have to make it work”

“Well, who’s fault is it, huh?” My eyes snapped back up, focusing on Soonyoung, who was glaring at me. I scoffed and shook my head before pushing the sketches towards him.

“I’m sorry I have a life that doesn’t revolve around you and work only! I had other things to take care of, besides, it’s not like you can’t do this without me!” My voice raised a few octaves and Soonyoung’s eyes narrowed at me as he leaned forward, challenging me with his gaze.

“We are partners for a reason, Y/N, I can’t choose a place without you matching the décor to it” He snapped back, voice leveled, but the way he was clenching his jaw gave away his anger.

“Stop making excuses and find a place! Or do I have to do that as well?!” I stood up from my chair, realizing this meeting really wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. Now I was just screaming at him and letting my frustrations out because he has a girlfriend and I’m in love with him. It’s not really his fault he couldn’t find a bigger and better place, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to scream at him, to make him feel like I felt the day he told me he was seeing someone. I knew it wasn’t a reasonable reason nor a nice thing to do, but I had to let it out.

“What the fuck!” Soonyoung was on his feet in an instant, eyes glaring at me as he slammed one hand down, “Don’t make this sound like I always fuck up or something! If you didn’t ignore me for two fucking weeks this wouldn’t be an issue right now—”

“I wasn’t ignoring you—”

“Oh, fuck off!” Soonyoung rolled his eyes as silence enveloped us. I fisted my palms and willed myself to take deep breaths and think logically before I said something that could ruin the last thin thread our friendship was hanging on. But then my phone pinged again, twice this time, and Soonyoung’s eyes snapped towards it.

“Can’t you turn the fucking phone off?” I glared at him and took the phone off the table and threw it in my purse, which was by the foot of my table.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” I argued and Soonyoung rolled his eyes before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Why are you ignoring me?” The way he was looking at me left no room for denial. I knew he knew what I was doing, and he also knew he was right. He caught me red handed and I didn’t have a good enough excuse this time. So, I didn’t think much before I answered him.

“Because I can.” Soonyoung laughed humorlessly before he stalked towards me, making me glare at him.

“You can’t just ignore me. We are friends. You stopped talking to me ever since I told you I have a girlfriend as if it’s the end of the fucking world—” He stopped talking abruptly, standing just a foot away from me. We looked into each other’s eyes and Soonyoung gulped. It was clear that he finally realized what was the reason and I didn’t care anymore. If this was the way he found out I had feelings for him, so be it. Now, I’m working on getting over him so I don’t care anymore. I have Joshua, someone who makes me feel like no one has done it before. And I want to make it work.

“Yeah, well, it was the end of the fucking world for me, Soonyoung. But don’t worry, it’s not like you should have at least warned the person you were fucking regularly that you might be seeing someone” I huffed and smiled at him bitterly, watching as his face became expressionless. Of course, classic Soonyoung, act like nothing is happening in the middle of something serious.

“I didn’t have time to—”

“I don’t give a fuck about your excuses!” I snapped and pointed a finger at him, “Get out of my office and find a fucking place by tonight for the reception. If you don’t, I’ll work with Chan on this reception and cut you from it. It’s not like we are actual partners, I can work with whomever I want.”

Soonyoung’s jaw clenched more and he raised a hand, about to grab me, but quickly put it down by his side and went to gather his sketches.

“Two weeks of no dick turned you into a real fucking bitch” His sneer was malicious, he wanted to hurt me, to remind me I could no longer have him. And I was surprised when I started laughing, finding his words amusing. He was wrong, not getting dicked down for two weeks felt like a fresh breath of air. I didn’t realize how stressed it made me feel when he’d come over daily. Most of the time I wasn’t even in the mood but decided to go along with him because I knew afterward, I could be close to him, at least until one of us left.

“What makes you think you are the only one who could give me dick, Soonyoung?” I laughed and watched as his expression morphed into furry, his eyes traveling to my bag. Oh, this is amazing. He might think that’s my booty call and that just makes this situation even more hilarious.

“Yeah, so…maybe you should start working, unless you want Chan to be the one getting paid” I smiled sweetly at my friend and he threw me a glare that could kill before turning around and storming out of my office, slamming the door after him. But I wasn’t feeling better than he was looking, so I fished out my phone and distracted myself by answering Joshua.

       The chill music played lowly in the background as my finger hovered over the ‘send’ button. Soonyoung never contacted me with the new sketch, so I assumed he wouldn’t do it. I mean, it’s almost 12:00 pm, if he didn’t do it by now, he won’t do it. Chan is someone who I know I can trust, we’ve worked together before when Soonyoung was away, and he works fast and neat. But I didn’t know what to do, Joshua said I should wait until tomorrow and work it out at the office. I didn’t tell him the co-worker I fought with is my friend, Soonyoung, because I’m not ready to tell Joshua yet about the relationship I had with him and how I feel about Soonyoung. We haven’t even gone on our second date, which is in two days, I don’t want to ruin it. But even with Joshua’s reassuring words that I’ll work things out tomorrow, I couldn’t help but feel anxious. I have never neglected my work before and Mrs. Choi relied on me a lot, I was nervous I’d fail for the first time and I wasn’t ready to face the consequences for my childish acts. If the jiggling of keys wouldn’t have distracted me, I would have sent the message to Chan. But my eyebrows furrowed when a key was pushed into the lock of my door from the outside, after the person missed for the fourth time, and I stood up alerted from the counter. What is he doing here at this hour? I rushed to my front door, ready to lock it again before the person could enter, but I was a few seconds late because by the time I got there, it was already being pushed open.

“Y/N!” A raspy voice slurred and my eyebrows furrowed when my eyes fell on Soonyoung and saw the state he was in. His jacket was barely on him, white shirt even more undone than the last time I saw him today, his whole chest on display.

“What the hell are you doing!” I exclaimed when Soonyoung literally fell through my door, I quickly caught him before he could hit the floor.

“Y/N!” He slurred again and I was being pulled into Soonyoung, his face buried in my neck, arms sneaking around my waist. The air left my lungs at the sudden contact, heart beating at a mile. I was frozen as I gulped down the sudden feelings ignited inside my body and pushed closed the front door, locking it.

“What are you doing here?” I whispered, more to myself, as I bit my lips and gave in. My arms went around Soonyoung’s torso and I sighed as I closed my eyes. I missed him so much, his warmth and his scent. His body felt like heaven right now, to be hugging him, it was like something broke inside my stomach as I allowed myself to melt into Soonyoung for a few seconds longer. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I missed him so much.

“Y/N…” Soonyoung sighed into my neck, the hairs rising on arms, as he tried to stand up straight by me supporting his weight.

“You’re so drunk, Soonyoung…” I sighed as I ran a hand through his black hair, pushing it out of his eyes. The alcohol was so strong that it almost filled my nose as I put a little distance between our bodies, “Take your shoes off”

Soonyoung nodded wordlessly and while holding onto me, he pushed his shoes off clumsily, giggling when he lost his balance for a second, making me gasp as I had to catch him once again.

“Stop being silly, Soonyoung.” I scolded him as I rested one of his arms around my shoulders and walked him further inside my apartment, towards the sofa in the living room.

“I’m so shitfaced, Y/N!” He giggled again as he spoke, his words slurring even more and I shook my head with a sigh.

“You don’t say…” I helped him sit on the sofa, and he just fell on it, giggling again when he bounced a bit on the mattress.

“Stay here, I’ll bring you water” I pointed a finger at him, his small eyes narrowed as he looked up at me through hooded eyes, a lazy grin on his lips. I narrowed my eyes at him and Soonyoung shrugged before nodding once, signaling he understood. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass to fill it with water. What am I doing? Should I even nurse him? Why did he even come over? He should have gone home or to his girlfriend, why is he here, with me? I wanted to send him home after making him drink water, but I just couldn’t. He’s so drunk he can barely stand; I’m amazed he even got here.

After he drank his water, we stayed quiet. I placed the glass in the sink and went back to the living room, sitting on the little coffee table, to face him. Soonyoung’s lips were jutted out as he continued looking at his fingers, playing with them. Suddenly, a buzzing sound caught our attention and Soonyoung lazily reached inside his pocket and pulled out his phone. His eyebrows furrowed as he brought the phone closer to his face, mouthing the name of the caller. He looked more and more confused as seconds went by so I took the phone out of his hands. It said ‘babe’. My eyes went back to him as I held the ringing phone in my hands, not bothering to pick up.

“I should answer that…” Soonyoung trailed off, eyebrows furrowed as he reached forward, totally missing the direction I was sat in, “She’ll kill me tomorrow if I don’t…”

“I’ll let her know, okay? You don’t have to answer the phone right now.” I pushed him by his exposed chest to sit him down, he rose to take the phone from me, but his hand gripped mine against his chest, “I’ll—I’ll tell her, don’t worry.”

I gulped as Soonyoung ignored everything I was saying, his half-opened eyes focused on my hand against his exposed chest. His warm hand was pressing it against his heart and I didn’t have the power in me to pull away, not yet. So, I just gulped and unlocked Soonyoung’s phone before dialing a number. It rung five times before it was answered.

“You have three seconds before I hang up on you—”

“Jihoon!”

“Oh—oh, Y/N—” The man on the other end sounded surprised, “Hi!”

“Hey!” I greeted back, my fingers twitching as Soonyoung started playing with them.

“Is everything okay?” I could hear worry seep into Jihoon’s voice, “Why are you calling form Soonyoung’s phone?”

“He’s—very drunk…” I cleared my throat when Soonyoung intertwined his fingers with mine, “I would send him home but he can barely stand on his feet. And I know I just woke you up, which I’m sorry for by the way, so I’m not going to ask you to come and get him. I, however, want to ask you to do me a favor…”

“I mean, if I’m already awake…” Jihoon sighed and I smiled, eye connecting with Soonyoung’s as he looked up from our hands.

“Call his girlfriend and tell her he’s really drunk and had a blackout, please? She keeps calling him” There was silence on the other end before Jihoon groaned, I knew he just rolled his eyes.

“The fucking things I do for that idiot, I swear, and even you!” Jihoon was starting to get angry, and he had a good reason for it, “I get your situation, I really do! But if he’s going to act like that, I won’t cover for him every time—”

“Hey! It’s not like that!” I quickly cut Jihoon off, knowing where his thoughts were taking him, “He’s very drunk, I’m not lying!”

“Jihoon, I love you!” Soonyoung exclaimed loudly, as if to confirm my words, and I squeezed his hand, sending him a glare. My neighbors have kids who are sleeping at this hour!

“Fine, whatever, make sure he doesn’t drown or something—actually, no, let him die.” I chuckled as Jihoon grumbled a goodbye before hanging up on me.

“He loves me, deep down, I know it” Soonyoung sing-singed and gave a harsh tug to my arm, surprising me, as I fell over him. I went rigid as Soonyoung’s hands started roaming my back, tugging me closer into him, until I was straddling his hips, no space between our bodies. I clutched Soonyoung’s phone in my hand tightly, afraid to even breathe.

“I missed you,” He sighed into my neck, head falling on my shoulder, “So, so, so much, Y/N”

I gulped and bit my lip, unable to move yet as I tried to fight my own thoughts. I wanted to melt into him and just cradle him until the sun comes up and he sobers up, but the rational me, the logical me was screaming at me that this is very wrong, we both have someone we care about, Soonyoung more than I. And I won’t start contradicting myself, I refuse to sabotage myself, not this time. So, I gulped down the burning want to just stay like this with Soonyoung, and went to push myself off him. But even when he’s drunk, he has an impeccable force, especially when he’s clinging onto someone.

“You have to let go, Soo.” I spoke softly, knowing he doesn’t react well when he’s drunk and someone is demanding of him. He groaned and gripped onto me even tighter, making me gasp when he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to my neck.

“Soonyoung, please.” I whispered, heart aching. I missed this so much, to be close to him. My time with Joshua was always amazing, he makes me forget about all the suffering I have to go through when I’m alone, and it’s amazing. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before, not even with Soonyoung, and I think my feelings for Joshua are slowly becoming more and more powerful. I don’t want to lose what I have with him, not when I know Soonyoung will never appreciate me or give me what I need. I braced myself this time and wiggled out of his grasp enough so that I could push his chest back against the sofa. His eyebrows furrowed and he gripped onto my waist as he tried to glare at me.

“You are not going away again.” He muttered, an angry expression crossing his face, and I shook my head. I tried to pry his hands off my waist but he suddenly sat up, our faces very close. So close, his lips were brushing against mine.

“Soonyoung, I can’t—”

“I love you.” The breath was knocked out of my lungs and I paused, eyes wide and heart racing. I searched Soonyoung’s gaze, one he returned feverishly, and I was taken aback by the passion he was showing. He never really shows his genuine feelings, it takes him long time and a lot of coercing for him to open up, even to me. He usually would do it after sex when we’d be laying in bed.

“I—”

“I love you, I really do, Y/N!” His lips started quivering and my own eyes filled with tears as I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was saying those words to me. Not now, not when I already decided I was over him. Not when I realized I deserved better than him. He can’t offer me what I need, he never would, we just don’t match well. I don’t want to suffer while I’m with him, I’d rather do it alone, I’m already used to that. But I couldn’t help it, he finally said the thing I’ve been wishing to hear for the past year, he loves me.

“I love you too, Soonyoung.” I found myself whispering back and a tear escaped my eye without me realizing. Soonyoung wiped it away, eyes still hazy and mind intoxicated as he leaned his forehead against mine, exhaling deeply. His breath reeked of alcohol but I didn’t care as I closed my eyes and wallowed in the moment. A weight was lifted off my chest, I felt lighter. I wanted to laugh at the feeling, but the dull pain was still there, it didn’t let me actually do it. It was there because it didn’t matter if we loved each other. It was over for us, and Soonyoung won’t even remember this in the morning. He’s too intoxicated.

       After confessing to our feelings, I convinced Soonyoung to go to bed. I lay next to him and traced his face with my fingers delicately, knowing he liked to be caressed, especially when drunk, and that put him to sleep faster. Once I was sure he was asleep, I pulled the covers over him, he changed into a t-shirt he left over a while ago, and left my bedroom. I slept on the couch in the living room, TV on and some horror movie playing, to which I finally fell asleep to. The sun was up high by the time I was up and my heart picked up when I thought I was late to work, but realized I still had two hours. Mrs. Choi had to take care of something so we got to go in later today. As I stretched my hands over my head, back popping, a familiar scent entered my nostrils. I sat up quickly, head spinning a bit as I looked towards the kitchen, a sight I wasn’t expecting greeting me.

“Good morning!” Soonyoung called out cheerily when he saw that I was up, a content smile on his lips. My eyebrows furrowed as I threw the cover off my body and stood up, pulling a bit on my shorts, hoping it would cover up more of my thighs.

“What are you doing?” I asked confused, walking over and sitting at the counter. Soonyoung wore clean clothes, he didn’t reek of alcohol anymore, his hair was still wet from the shower he took. The ends of his black hair were already curling up and I smiled a little as I looked at them for longer, I really like his curly hair. He stopped styling it like this a long time ago, always straightening it, it reminded me of our high school days. He looked softer and warmer back then and even now.

“And good morning.” I added as Soonyoung turned around with a grin and glass in his hand, “What’s that?”

“A little morning treat.” He answered casually as he placed the glass in front of me, the scent of cocoa filling my nose. I laughed as I leaned down and inhaled the scent of the hot cocoa.

“Seriously?” Soonyoung nodded grinning and placed the breakfast in front of me, toast with butter and strawberry jam and omelet. I took the fork he handed me and dug into the food, groaning at the taste, “At least you didn’t burn it this time.”

“I’ve become a good cook over the past two weeks…while you were busy ignoring me…” I threw him a glare and he just shrugged as he picked up a toast with butter and strawberry jam and took a bite. I took a longer glance at him, admiring his beauty. Something in his demeanor changed. He looked relaxed and content, happier than usual.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I mumbled as I finished my breakfast and took a sip of my hot cocoa.

“Slept well on the couch?” A teasing grin was on his lips as he raised one eyebrow, knowing damn well how small the couch is and how one person can barely sleep on it.

“No, asshole.” I threw him a glare as I sipped on the hot cocoa.

“You could’ve just slept with me, there’s plenty of space in your bed…” I paused drinking and glanced at him; his eyes curious as he looked at me.

“Yeah, no, thanks,” I rolled my eyes and finished the hot cocoa, “You burp a lot in your sleep when you’re drunk, it’s disgusting.”

Soonyoung started laughing loudly and he gathered my glass and the plate and fork I used and placed it into my sink, putting away the food that we didn’t eat. I placed an arm on the counter and placed my chin in my palm as I watched him move around my kitchen while humming something to himself.

“Was sleeping on my bed so therapeutic or you’re just really that happy because I’m talking to you again?” I raised my eyebrows as Soonyoung shrugged teasingly, walking up to me but keeping a respectable distance. It made me happy to see him so content and happy, but I couldn’t fully brush away the lingering feelings he caused. The want and ache, they were still there. But I felt better about them, like telling him how I felt, lifted a curse. I was finally free, at least it felt like it. A new room was created for Joshua only in my heart and that made me happy.

“I just really missed you.” Soonyoung said seriously, placing an arm on the counter.

“I missed you too.” I confessed with a smile, which quickly fell when Soonyoung leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. My body instantly reacted to the familiar feeling, tilting my head up for him to have more access, but I caught myself just in time. I quickly pulled away and glared at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“What are you doing!” I demanded angrily, placing a hand on his chest to push him back.

“What do you mean?” His happy demeanor quickly changed; his eyebrows were furrowed too now.

“You have a girlfriend, Soonyoung, if you want to cheat on her go find someone else to do it with!” I snapped and rose from the chair, pointing a finger at him angrily.

“But you love me.” I paused, finger hanging in the air as I bit my lower lip. So, what if he knows? I thought he really wouldn’t remember it, but I don’t care, he knows now and that’s it.

“So, what if I love you?” I scoffed and pushed the finger pointed at him against his chest, “You still have a girlfriend. If you would’ve told me earlier that you loved me, things could’ve turned out differently.”

“What do you mean?” He asked confused as I lowered my finger and ran a hand through my hair.

“I’m over you, or at least trying to be. It doesn’t matter if I love you or not, you are still just my best friend.” Soonyoung’s expression changed in an instant and I didn’t give him time to speak, “I like someone else, a lot. And I want things to work out between him and I, Soonyoung. He treats me right and he likes me as I am. I’m not going to throw away this new chance, like I did a few times before for you. For something you can’t offer me.”

“I can’t offer you what, Y/N?!” He snapped angrily, taking a hold of my jaw, “I know you better than anyone else. I know everything about you, Y/N! What else do you need? I always gave you what you wanted and I was always there for you. You meet this new guy and you’re head over heels for him after a day—”

“Shut up, okay!” I snapped and gripped his wrist, “You don’t know Joshua and you wouldn’t understand! Ever since we reconciled everything has been about you, God damn it! It’s always you, you and you, never me! I’m done feeling like shit because of you! I deserve more and not just someone who uses me for my body!”

“I don’t use you for your body!” Soonyoung screamed back, letting go of my jaw to clench his palm into a tight fist, “I fucking love you! What more do you need?!”

“I never felt loved by you, Soonyoung. Saying it to me isn’t enough, you need to make me feel it!”

“All the times I fucked you gentle, cuddled with you and stayed up to talk about bullshit wasn’t good enough?” I huffed and rolled my eyes as I walked away from him.

“Yeah, it wasn’t enough. If that’s your definition of love, please, go do that with your girlfriend.” I shrugged and Soonyoung’s jaw clenched.

“I don’t—” The doorbell rang and we both turned towards it. I gulped and my eyebrows furrowed. I wasn’t expecting anyone, is it Jihoon? He wouldn’t come by, he’s at work at this hour. Maybe Yerim? She comes over sometimes, but never unannounced. Maybe—Joshua? No…it can’t be…I did give him my address because he’s picking me up tomorrow for our date but he wouldn’t come today as a surprise, right?

“Go get your things,” I snapped at Soonyoung quietly as I walked towards the front door, “I don’t care who it is, you’re leaving!”

“I’m not fucking going anywhere!” He snapped back and I turned around abruptly, face turning red from the anger.

“Don’t try me, Soonyoung.” I hissed and he rolled his eyes, my palm itched to slap him across the face, but I took a deep breath instead and unlocked the front door. I swung it open and my jaw fell. A huge bucket of red roses covered the face and mostly the upper body of the person standing behind it, but I knew who it was.

“Surprise!” His melodic voice echoed a bit in the hallway and my heart started beating fast. Oh no, what will he think when he sees Soonyoung over? He probably won’t know he slept over, right? What if he gets the wrong idea? I can’t lose Joshua right now.

“Jo—Joshua!” I gasped and took the bucket of roses from him, beaconing him inside, “These are—gorgeous!”

Joshua was grinning, his cheeks a light red, as he leaned down at pecked my lips. My heart started beating faster, knowing well he still hasn’t noticed Soonyoung standing behind me.

“I’m glad you like it, I didn’t want to come over unannounced but—” He scratched the back of his neck as he looked down shyly, “I couldn’t help it.”

“What if I wasn’t home?” I chuckled and hugged the roses to my chest.

“I would’ve delivered the roses to your office!” He grinned and I chuckled, cheeks flushing, “But your car was in the driveway, so—”

A throat was cleared behind me and my happy demeanor quickly faded. Shit. Soonyoung will ruin everything.

“Hello there,” Joshua greeted politely once Soonyoung walked up beside me, “You must be…Soonyoung, was it?”

I gulped when Soonyoung slug an arm around my shoulders, a stoic expression on his face as he looked down at the roses. Then suddenly, as if having such a quick change of demeanor was a normal thing, he smiled from ear to ear.

“You are Joshua!” He exclaimed and extended a hand to shake, “I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“Y/N told me a little bit about you too!” Joshua returned the smile and shook Soonyoung’s hand firmly, turning to smile at me. I returned a fake smile and went to the kitchen to get a vase.

“Y/N!” Soonyoung called out, making the hairs stand on my arms. I knew that tone, the teasing tone, when he was about to fuck up something, “I left the final sketch in your bedroom, you should make the order if we want the reception to happen.”

I turned around and gulped, waiting for Joshua to react badly, but he was just glancing around my apartment solemnly, “Yeah, uh—I’ll do that.”

I watched as a smirk crossed his lips and he turned his head and took in Joshua’s body before looking back at me, Joshua oblivious to us as he walked over to a photo frame placed on my bookshelf.

“So classy.” Soonyoung mouthed as I filled the vase with water, working quickly to make Soonyoung go away before he fucks up.

“Soonyoung, you told me your girlfriend asked you to do some grocery shopping on the way home,” I said with a smile as I placed the vase with the roses on the center of the counter and walked towards my friend, “You should go now or else you’ll be late to work, again.”

Soonyoung laughed and grabbed a small bag from the floor, his clothes from the other night inside, “Jihoon is cooking dinner tomorrow, we’ll be waiting for you to join us.”

Liar, Jihoon is working the night shift tomorrow. I sent him a glare but Joshua started walking towards up so I evened out my expression, Joshua coming to a stop next to me.

“Actually,” He spoke up, surprising me, as he placed an arm around my waist, “If you don’t mind, I’ll be stealing your bestie tomorrow night…”

The way Soonyoung’s jaw clenched left a weird satisfaction in me, knowing well ‘bestie’ ticked him off, especially after what went down yesterday and today. Joshua was smiling politely at Soonyoung, but there was a glint in his eyes I didn’t quite understand yet.

“We have a date.” Joshua finally finished his sentence and Soonyoung nodded aggressively.

“Yeah, sure, dude! No problem!” He shrugged and offered me a fake smile, “Have fun tomorrow, but not too much!”

And with a wink he was out of my door, leaving me with Joshua alone. I sighed quietly and leaned into his side, forgetting for a second he didn’t know about anything that went down.

“You good?” He whispered and I turned my head to look up at him with a tired smile.

“I just didn’t get much sleep.” I said with a shrug and he smiled, ruffling my hair a bit.

“I’ll drive you to work today, get ready.” He pulled away from the little embrace and stepped back, “Had breakfast already?”

“Yeah…Soonyoung brought some food…” I lied and Joshua nodded before pointing towards my bathroom.

“You smell like alcohol.” He said with an apologetic smile and I blushed, pulling my hair in a ponytail.

“Sorry, I had too much wine last night…” I lied, again, feeling guiltier and guiltier.

“Don’t worry,” Joshua smiled, winking at me, “We are taking your car to work.”

“Again?” I laughed and Joshua nodded with a sneaky smirk, “I’m starting to think you don’t have a car, Joshua…”

“Uh, about that…” His lips formed a thin line, making me laugh, “It’s in the car service, but it’ll be ready by tomorrow!”

“You’re serious?” I walked towards my bathroom.

“Dead serious!” Joshua called out, making me laugh again as I closed the door. At least he knows how to go around getting free rides.

        Before Joshua dropped me off at work, we went to the coffee shop we had our date at and I bought a cup of coffee for everyone from work, even for Soonyoung. I do this from time to time, I haven’t done it in two weeks so I considered the timing was good. And everyone came in late today, a little coffee wouldn’t hurt anyone right now. Joshua helped me carry up the trays of cups of coffee and with a kiss he was gone, leaving me smiling and blushing in front of the entrance. Taking a deep breath to gather myself a bit, I pushed the door open and greeted everyone with a wide smile.

“I bought coffee for everyone!” I called out loudly and my colleagues called out in appreciation, forming a line to get their coffee.

“Thank you!” Yerim exclaimed loudly as she helped me hold the two trays, “I really fucking needed it.”

“As if we didn’t come to work later than usual.” I threw her an amused smile as Wendy, another co-worker, took her coffee with a wide smile and a ‘thank you’.

“Exactly!” Yerim’s eye widened, a very ‘duh’ expression covering her face, “You think I went to bed early? No, fucking, way! I was out partying last night!”

“Explains why you look like a zombie…” I muttered quietly, thinking Yerim wouldn’t hear me as Baekhyun’s, a very annoying but sweet co-worker, laughter flooded our ears. But Yerim heard me and she threw me a glare.

“I’m always fabulous, even when I look like a zombie.”

“True.” Baekhyun said with a shrug before strolling back to his desk, making Yerim throw her long blonde hair back. I chuckled and shook my head, grabbing the next cup and handing it to Chan before he could reach for it.

“Thank you!” He beamed at me, eyes lighting up, “I didn’t get my doze of caffeine yet today.”

“Slept in?” I asked with a smile and Chan nodded his head with a chuckle.

“Cute.” Yerim muttered while biting her lip, making Chan and I look at her, “What?”

“Uh—nothing!” Chan exclaimed embarrassed, about to walk away, but I held onto his arm.

“Hey, uhm…can I ask you something?” I asked quietly, smiling apologetically at Chan as he nodded, “You know about the reception happening in two weeks…if I send you the details, can you find me a place?”

“Aren’t you working with Soonyoung though?” Chan’s eyebrows furrowed as Yerim gave me a look, handing Hana a cup of coffee.

“I mean…something came up and he’s busy with other things…uh—so, can you help me out?” I offered him a small smile, in hopes he would say yes, and Chan seemed to be thinking for a moment.

“I mean, I can help you, of course! But I have a lot of work to do and I might be able to do by the end of the week only…and I know you need it, like, today…” I sighed as Chan grimaced, avoiding my eyes. It’s not his fault though, I understand him.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I should have asked you sooner!” I tried to cheer him up and reassure him, and he nodded with his lips in a tight line.

“So…can you wait until the end of the week—”

“Last time I checked; I was the one working with you.” Soonyoung’s raspy voice interrupted Chan, coming from behind me. I tensed up as Yerim and Chan were now looking at us questioningly. I took mentally a deep breath and then turned around, three more cups of coffee remaining on my tray.

“Maybe your girlfriend forgot to brew you some coffee this morning, Soonyoung.” I joked with a sarcastic tone and Soonyoung just chuckled, eyes narrowing as he grabbed a cup of coffee from the tray.

“Yeah, she was busy doing other things.” He smirked before taking a large gulp of the coffee, keeping eye contact with me. In my peripheral vision, I saw Yerim’s eyebrows raising as she looked between us. Chan cleared his throat and I glanced back at him.

“So, then…I guess you’ll be working with Soonyoung again…”

“Actually, no—”

“Yes, Chan.” Soonyoung cut me off, a charming smile on his lips, “I got a tight schedule and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but it’s all solved now.”

“Oh, great!” Chan exclaimed with a big smile, “I’m really busy this week…”

“Sorry for the confusion, Chan.” I apologized, throwing Soonyoung a subtle glare, knowing well Yerim was watching us like hawks.

“Don’t worry,” He offered us one more smile, “I’ll be off to work then.”

Yerim smiled flirty at Chan before he could walk away, flustering the younger boy once again. She turned to look at me with an amused giggle and I shook my head, ignoring Soonyoung’s eyes boring into the side of my head.

“He’s so cute,” Yerim mused quietly, eyebrows raising, “Who was that handsome guy you came with today, Y/N?”

I looked at Yerim with a warning look, not wanting to discuss anything about Joshua with Soonyoung there, today’s morning being enough for me. But Yerim ignored my warning and silent plea, like she usually does, and raised her eyebrows even higher.

“Oh, Joshua drove you here?!” Soonyoung exclaimed next to me, face lighting up suddenly. I turned to look at him, eyebrows furrowed, but he ignored me as he looked at Yerim, “He’s a real gentleman, so classy…”

“Yeah, exactly.” I snapped, glaring at him again, “He’s kind and gentle, unlike you—someone.”

Yerim’s eyes narrowed at us as she took a sip of her coffee, looking at us with suspicion, “Okay, besties, I’ve got some work to do as well…”

“We are not besties—” Soonyoung growled as Yerim walked away, not caring to listen if we had anything else to say. I scoffed and chuckled quietly, enjoying how triggered Soonyoung looked. He always hated us being called besties, but ever since the whole friends with benefits thing happened, he really detested it. He even threatened Jihoon once when he dared to call us that.

“Why did you ask Chan to do my work, Y/N?” Soonyoung’s glare was directed at me, voice low as we were still in the front lobby, everyone could hear and see us.

“Because if I remember correctly, I gave you a deadline that you didn’t respect!” I snapped back, stepping closer to make sure the others couldn’t see our faces that well. We didn’t need them to know about how much our friendship was going to shit. I think it became obvious that there was something wrong the second I stopped interacting with Soonyoung so much, or when he slammed the door to my office so hard, I thought he’d break the whole wall.

“You are not the boss here, and I told you that wasn’t enough time for me to find something!” Soonyoung spoke quickly, nostrils flaring as his jaw clenched. His grip on the cup of coffee was tightening and he was probably close to snapping it in half, so I gripped his wrist, hating the butterflies that erupted in my stomach and how the back of my neck felt hot.

“Maybe if last night you didn’t get shitfaced and actually did some work, I wouldn’t have asked for Chan’s help.” I snapped, but my eyes softened, trying to calm him down. He was a calm man, but when you ticked him off, he left only destruction in his wake. And we didn’t need that happening at the office, especially in the front lobby.

“I will do it by tonight.” Soonyoung’s voice softened and suddenly the wrist I was holding twisted, gripping my palm into his. I gulped and looked down at our hands, shaking my head.

“Please, do it.” I muttered, hating the way my eyes fell on his lips when he licked them. Soonyoung saw it too and a grunt left his lips before he was stepping back, running a hand through his, now straight, black hair.

“You always make such a scene out of everything.” He said with a shake of his head, taking another sip of his coffee.

“I do not!” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, placing down the tray on the little table by the entrance, “And you are a dickhead, Soonyoung.”

“I know…” His voice was small and I looked back at him, a dark look crossing over his features. I sighed and turned around, mouth open to tell him to get to work, when a lady spoke up.

“You two should be working.” Mrs. Choi’s eyebrows were raised, lips in a playful pout, and Soonyoung smiled.

“Mrs. Choi! Fancy seeing you this beautiful morning, not more beautiful than you, of course.” Soonyoung made a spectacle as he took Mrs. Choi’s hand and placed a soft kiss on it, waltzing away with a wink directed at me. I sighed and handed Mrs. Choi the last cup of coffee.

“Good morning, I bought some coffee for everyone today.” I said quietly, avoiding eye contact with the older lady.

“Thank you, my dear,” She smiled as she took the cup, gripping it with both hands, “Is everything alright? I haven’t seen your plans about the upcoming reception and Soonyoung said you kept postponing the meeting for the past two weeks.”

I gulped and bit my lower lip, feeling embarrassed and guilty, “I did, yes, and I apologize for stalling. It’s just…I went through something and…I will solve this issue, I promise! I trust that Soonyoung will find the right location by tonight and then I can put everything into action.”

“I’m not worried about you making this work, you’ve worked in worse conditions before, my dear. I just don’t like seeing you sad and always grumpy, especially if it’s caused by a man.” I looked up at Mrs. Choi surprised, finding her smiling at me gently.

“Uh, right—I, uh, have a question!” I tried to divert the subject, knowing well the old lady had eyes and ears everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew about everyone’s private life from the office, “This Saturday…can I bring a plus one? To the barbeque?”

“Of course!” Mrs. Choi exclaimed with a laugh, “The more, the merrier! We can split the bill even better!”

“I thought you were paying…” I muttered with a cheeky smile and Mrs. Choi laughed, shaking her head.

“Don’t disappoint me this time with your choice in men,” She said with a wink, sipping from her coffee, “Soonyoung wasn’t made for you, my dear.”

My jaw fell open as I gaped at Mrs. Choi, trying to come up quickly with something to deny her affirmation but by the time I thought of something, she walked away, leaving me alone and gaping. I cleared my throat and closed my mouth when Baekhyun looked up from his desk, eyebrows raised and mouth in an amused grin, looking at me questioningly. I shooed him off with a flick of my wrist and quickly fished my phone out of my purse as I took of towards my office. I dialed Joshua’s number and prayed he was available, on the fifth rang he picked up.

“Missed me already?” Came his teasing through the phone. I scoffed as I took a sip of my coffee quickly.

“You wish, do you have time to talk?” I asked, opening the door of my office.

“If you make it quick, yes.”

“You know, how I’m busy this Saturday…” Joshua hummed and I continued talking with a smile on my face, “Are you busy this Saturday?”

“Uhm…not really, no.” Came his confused answer, no doubt he was frowning now.

“Well, then I just made you busy!” I exclaimed, laughing alone as Joshua remained silent and even more confused on the other end.

“Uhm, care to explain, hon?” My cheeks became hot at the use of his nickname for me and I giggled quietly.

“I’m going to a barbeque with my colleagues, and you are invited too now!”

“Really?!” Joshua asked excitedly and I laughed.

“Really!”

“Okay, cool! We’ll talk later then, but if you need confirmation, I am coming!”

“Of course, you are! But it doesn’t count as our third date!” I spoke quickly, knowing he had to hang up.

“Of course not, hon, talk to you later!”

“See you, Shua!” I hang up with a big smile, taking a seat in my chair, melting away into it. Ah, the things Joshua makes me feel!

        Saturday rolled around quickly, our little cycling date on Wednesday went even better than we were expecting it. This time it was Joshua who drove us around, his car finally out of the service, and I even attempted to pull the same joke he usually did, and drive him home in his own car but, of course, he didn’t let me. He wanted to make sure I got home safely as night has fallen by the time, we finished eating at a local noodle restaurant. On Saturday, we agreed that I would come by his place first and then we’d drive together to the barbeque restaurant, as he lived closer to the place and we wanted to save some fuel. I chose to wear a black turtleneck and a denim dress over it, with black tights and knee-high boots, a thick denim jacket shielding me from the evening breeze. My black purse matched my turtleneck and I painted my lips red, applied some mascara and a little bit of blush to my cheeks. I brushed my hair and let the waves fall freely over my shoulders, clipping the front strands behind my ears. It was the first time Joshua would see me truly dressed up, not that I put much effort into my looks. Last date we went cycling, so I couldn’t wear anything fancy, and on our first date we both wore working attire. And well…the night we met, I was almost wearing my pajamas, so it doesn’t count. I was curious of Joshua’s everyday style, wondering if he dressed as fancy as he acted. He was a gentleman after all. I gave him a text when I reached his apartment complex and he was downstairs in three minutes. A big smile on his lips, eyes running over my body, as he jogged up to me. I giggled when he reached me and I threw my arms around, snuggling my chin into his shoulder, making sure I didn’t smudge my lipstick nor dirty his cream-colored coat. He wore dark grey dress pants that reached his ankles and I could make out a soft green turtleneck peeking out from underneath his coat. His light brown hair wasn’t as messy as usual and it had a nice middle part.

“Wow, Joshua!” I mused as I made him twirl around, “You look so fancy!”

“And you look breathtaking.” He said, his voice a bit deeper than usual, taking me by surprise. My cheeks heated up and I pouted as he leaned in.

“My lipstick—!” But Joshua didn’t care as he pressed his lips against mine softly, barely even touching them together.

“You can redo it later, let me give you a kiss!” He murmured against my lips and I grinned, pulling back.

“Maybe when we come back from the barbeque.” Joshua’s eyebrows furrowed and I giggled as I took the car key from his hand.

“Maybe?” He asked wondering, shaking his head a bit, “I don’t think that will work.”

“No?” I raised my eyebrows as I took off towards the parking lot.

“No,” He shook his head firmly, walking after me, “I will need my kiss, right now, and later too.”

I laughed and got into the driver’s seat before he could, claiming it as Joshua shook his head outside the car.

“I was supposed to drive tonight.”

“On the way back!” I grinned and he sighed before getting in, putting on his seatbelt.

“So…where is my kiss?” He asked, lips jutted out, as he turned towards me. I scoffed and leaned over the middle to give him a firm peck. He hummed contently, closing his eyes as I turned back around, turning the engine on.

The ride to the barbeque place was quick and filled with Joshua telling one of his stories about pranking Jeonghan, once again. These two were little devils and wrecked-havoc everywhere they went. On our cycling date Jeonghan actually turned up and tagged along for half an hour, even though Joshua made it clear that he should just leave us alone, but with a sneaky wink towards me, Jeonghan rode his bike along with ours. The man was nice and pleasant to hang out with, so I didn’t mind him tagging along. At least I got insight on Joshua through one of his friends. And I was pleased with the person he seemed to be. Truly, Joshua was a fresh breath of air to me. I don’t know what I did to find him, but I was sure that I’m not letting go of him.

“Are you sure about this?” Joshua spoke up as I parked the car, struggling a bit, his car being bigger than mine.

“Sure, about what?” I asked absentmindedly as I focused on not hitting the two cars I was parking in between.

“Me coming with you, I mean…we only went on two dates. You’ve known me for a week only, don’t you think…we are taking it too fast?” I paused, hitting the brake a bit harsher, sending us forward.

“Do you think we are taking it too fast?” I asked quietly, a bit afraid of his answer. Because I don’t think we are, the most we did was little pecks here and there. I felt alright presenting him to my co-workers and few friends, even if it’s been a week. I’ve never been so certain about someone before.

“I, personally, don’t think so. I just—want to make sure you don’t feel pressured or—”

“Joshua!” I turned toward him wide eyed, “If I didn’t want you to be here with me right now, you wouldn’t be, trust me. Two dates and a week of knowing each other, I—I don’t actually know, this feeling is really new to me. But I want it, I’m certain about it…about us?”

A smile spread on Joshua’s lips slowly and he placed a hand on mine, giving it a squeeze, “Okay, because I really fucking like you a lot.”

I started laughing, being the first time Joshua has sworn in front of me, and squeezed his hand back, “You should park the car now, I think we are making a line behind us…”

“Shit…” I muttered, quickly parking the car, making sure I didn’t hit the others, as Joshua just chuckled. Once we got out Joshua intertwined his fingers with mine and my cheeks turned a little red as I giggled, like a crazy girl, squeezing his hand playfully. He chuckled and glanced at me while leading the way inside. My heart was thumping in my chest as we neared the long table full of my co-workers, and few friends, unsure of their reactions. Only Mrs. Choi knew of my arrival with Joshua, and I truly feared how Soonyoung would react. For sure he would find some way to ruin it, I know him too well.

The chatter from their table was loud but when we arrived next to Mrs. Choi, everyone fell silent. I cleared my throat as Joshua gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Hi, everyone!” I greeted, voice a bit higher than usual, “Uh, this is—my boyfriend, Joshua.”

Cheers and greetings broke out from the table, Baekhyun already tipsy as he rose from his seat with a shot in his hand and cheered the loudest, meanwhile I felt two eyes boring into my face. One was coming from the man holding my hand and the other one from the man sitting at the head of the table, across from Mrs. Choi. I turned towards Joshua, a nervous smile on my lips, knowing well calling him my boyfriend took him off guard. I hope I didn’t screw up things, but as Joshua continued to remain silent my heart started hammering in fear. Did I say the wrong thing? But how was I supposed to introduce him? Especially when we arrived together and even holding hands. Before I could think about it even more, a huge grin appeared on Joshua’s face and he started quietly cooing as he pulled my head into his chest. I quickly sucked my lips in, making sure I didn’t dirty his cream-colored coat with my red lipstick, feeling embarrassed as Baekhyun whistled loudly.

“Come sit, love birds!” Yerim’s loud, shrill, voice called out for us. She was sitting close to Soonyoung, two seats empty on her right. The one who would sit at the end of the table would be basically next to Soonyoung. Before we could walk to Yerim, however, Mrs. Choi was on her feet, a warm smile on her lips.

“Good evening, welcome!” She greeted us and patted my cheek once Joshua freed me from his hold, “I see my dear Y/N decided to bring someone along. Who are you, young man?”

“Hong Joshua, Mrs. …”

“Choi Seunghee.” My boss introduced herself and Joshua bowed politely.

“Mrs. Choi, nice to meet you!”

“You too, Mr. Hong—” Mrs. Choi’s eyes landed on me and she winked, “Lovely choice, my dear.”

My cheeks flushed and I groaned quietly as Joshua chuckled and nodded once, before pulling me towards Yerim, who was waving us over aggressively.

“Thank, fucking, God!” She exclaimed once we were by her side, “My arm was about to fall off!”

“Well why were you continuously waving?” I asked laughing as Joshua helped me take my jacket off, “It’s not like we can sit anywhere else…”

“I’m just being a good friend, don’t lecture me about it.” Yerim said with a pout as I threw her a playful glare, holding my jacket so that Joshua could take his own coat off.

“Yeah, whatever,” Yerim rolled her eyes, eyeing Joshua as he went to take our jackets to the hanger, “Damn, classy but sexy as fuck.”

“Yerim!” I hissed, eyes widening as Joshua walked back, a warm smile on his face.

“I’m Kim Yerim!” She introduced herself, standing up and extending her hand. She was wearing a dark green dress, body fitting, for once reached bellowed her knees and had a turtleneck. I see everyone went for a turtleneck tonight.

“Hong Joshua, nice to meet you.” Joshua shook her hand delicately, smiling when Yerim grinned at me.

“A foreigner too!” She winked at me, eyes running over Joshua again, “Nice catch, bitch.”

My mouth fell open as Joshua started laughing loudly, covering it with his hand once he realized he was really loud. I threw him a glare before I pulled on Yerim’s straightened hair, earning a hiss from her.

“Watch your language, Kim Yerim!” I snapped, feeling embarrassed, as I took a quick seat beside her. I forgot about Soonyoung’s existence, but it didn’t last for long, when I heard Joshua greeting him.

“Good to see you made it.” He spoke monotonously, lips in a tight line. He wasn’t even trying to hide his displeasure and I threw him a warning glare.

“Good evening, Soonyoung.” I greeted him; expression neutral as he bowed before downing his shot in one go.

“Want to drink?” He raised his glass of Soju to Joshua.

“Not tonight, I’m the designated driver,” He said with an apologetic smile, “Next time.”

“Next time.” That made Soonyoung smirk as he sent me a wink, downing another shot. I sighed quietly, opening the can of soda in front of me, eyes accidentally catching Baekhyun’s.

“Eyo, I thought you ditched us!” He said loudly, smile lopsided.

“And miss seeing you drunk?” I laughed, taking a sip of the soda, “Never, Baekhyun, never.”

Baekhyun giggled and raised his glass of Soju in salute before taking a big gulp.

“So, Joshua!” Yerim exclaimed, making me go deaf for a few seconds, “What do you do? How do you earn money? How did you charm Y/N? What are your hobbies? Tell me everything!”

“Take it easy, Yerim,” I said with a snort, hand finding Joshua’s underneath the table, “I forgot to tell him how energetic and tiring you can be.”

“Ah, I know someone just like her…” Joshua mused, eyes glinting with mischief and I laughed, shaking my head.

“Jeonghan.” We chorused at the same time, making Yerim raise her eyebrows and Soonyoung frown at us.

“Hmm, his name doesn’t sound bad. Is he handsome?” Yerim asked, lips forming a pout.

“Yah, Kim Yerim!” Came Chan’s loud exclamation, he was sitting next to Wendy, two seats away from Baekhyun who was across from me, “You’re trying to find yourself a new man?!”

“Yes, do you have a problem with that?!” Yerim snapped back, eyebrows raising in a challenging way.

“Yes, I do!” Chan snapped back, lips jutting out as he stared back at Yerim.

“Then stop being a pussy and ask me out!” Yerim’s statement made the table go silent, and she blushed. Kim Yerim was actually blushing! I started laughing loudly and soon the others followed, well except for Yerim and Chan; and Soonyoung; who were staring at each other intently.

“Ah, to be young and in love…” Mrs. Choi mused from the head of the table, making Yerim glare at her.

“Who’s in love? I’m not!” She was quick to defend herself, throwing Chan a subtle glance. But Chan was focused on glaring at his bottle of Soju, ears red. I giggled to myself and Joshua squeezed my hand underneath the table, making me look at him. He grinned down at me and I blushed, scrunching my nose at him.

“Those two definitely are.” Wendy said with a sweet smile, nodded her towards us, making me blush further. I groaned as Joshua, once again, pulled my head against his chest, and rested his chin on top of my head.

“Yeah, we might be…” He sing-songed, making me pinch his hip just a bit, “Oh, come on, don’t be shy now.”

“Shut up.” I snapped and pulled away with a small glare, my eyes catching Soonyoung’s in the process. His jaw was clenched and he glared at me, downing another shot of his Soju. I couldn’t help but worry, watching as he did that three more times, finishing his first bottle of the night.

“Soonyoung…” I called out, Joshua was playing absentmindedly with my fingers as he conversed with Baekhyun, “Take it easy…”

Soonyoung’s head snapped up and he looked into my eyes, licking his lips, “What do you care?”

I rolled my eyes and glanced at Joshua to see if he was paying attention to us, but he wasn’t, so I lowered my voice knowing Soonyoung will hear me, “I do, okay? You are my best friend!”

“Yeah…” He chuckled bitterly as he opened up another bottle of Soju, “Best friend.”

“I mean it.” I snapped, eyes glaring at him as he just shrugged.

“Thanks for worrying about me, bestie,” He faked a grin and gulped half of the Soju down, “But I can handle myself.”

“I won’t be driving you home if you get shitfaced.” I warned him, becoming aware of Joshua glancing at me more often.

“Don’t worry, my girlfriend will make sure to pick me up this time.” I scoffed and gulped down the remark I had for him, instead looked up at Joshua to see him frowning at us. I have to tell him after tonight what’s been happening between Soonyoung and I. He deserves to know. Maybe he can help me out even with some advice, I don’t even know anymore.

“Are you okay, hon?” He asked quietly, eyebrows furrowed as he searched my face.

“Of course!” I offered him a small smile, then nudged Yerim, “Wanna hear the answers you were so eager for?”

“Fuck yeah!” Yerim slammed her Soju bottle down, spilling a bit on the table, as she leaned closer in, captivated once Joshua started talking. That’s how I felt every time I was with Joshua, utterly captivated. Like it was just us, no one and nothing else in the world. It was new and weird. It was something I enjoyed and craved, it felt amazing.

Somewhere halfway through, Yerim and I excused ourselves to the restroom, Yerim complaining about having to pee after she drank three bottles of Soju. The food was almost done by that time, everyone having eaten well and now we were just drinking the rest of the drinks and sharing stories. Mrs. Choi said she didn’t want to stay until very late, her son having to pick her up and he had classes tomorrow, so we decided to stay until midnight instead of late night, like usually we do. Yerim and I took quite a while, her having to make sure her whole makeup looked presentable, rambling about how she was going home with Chan tonight even if she had to force him. Something I’m sure she won’t have to do; Chan’s been eyeing her all night after she told him to ask her out. It was quite obvious Chan had a crush on Yerim, everyone knew, but no one expected Yerim to reciprocate the feelings. She was always after Soonyoung, barely batting an eyelash at Chan. And it’s not like the others know Soonyoung has a girlfriend, he hasn’t told anyone besides me and Jihoon. When we made it back to our table, Joshua had a neutral expression and Soonyoung was smirking as he leaned back in his chair, an accomplished look crossing his face. I gulped as I took my seat and tapped Joshua’s thigh, asking if he was feeling alright. Deep down, I knew Soonyoung told him something and that’s why his demeanor changed, but I hoped I was wrong and Joshua was just tired and Soonyoung just said one of his lame jokes to which Joshua had a good reaction. But when Soonyoung raised his fifth bottle of Soju, already drunk, and called loudly ‘cheers’ while never breaking eye contact with me, I knew he said something to Joshua. Something I didn’t want him to know, at least, not yet. Joshua, however, was quick to reassure me and say that he was tired and wanted to head home earlier if it wasn’t a problem for me. And it wasn’t, we quickly took on our coat and jacket, wished the others a good night and left the barbeque restaurant. My heart was hammering, cheeks a bit red from one bottle of Soju, and I was surprised when Joshua’s fingers intertwined with mine as we walked towards his car. No one said nothing, Joshua seemed deep in thought meanwhile I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what happened that ruined his mood so quickly. He opened the door for me once we reached his car, and I thanked him quietly as I sat inside. Joshua was quickly inside the car as well, starting the engine to generate warmth. We put our seatbelts on and Joshua turned the radio down for quiet background noise as he started driving. I gulped and bit my lower lip, trying to find a way to ask him if Soonyoung said anything to him, without spoiling much.

“Are you okay?” I decided on asking, placing one hand gently on his thigh. He tensed up and I felt a pang in my heart as I quickly retracted my arm, clearing my throat. However, he quickly gripped my wrist and held it for a second.

“I’m not mad at you, please relax.” He spoke up calmly, thumb rubbing over the skin of my wrist. I let out a shaky breath, now knowing certainly that Soonyoung told him something he wasn’t supposed to.

“What—” I took a shaky breath, “What did Soonyoung tell you?”

Joshua was quiet for a second as he took a left turn, not rushing as he drove below the speed limit, “Enough to piss me off, honestly, but not enough to push me away from you.”

“I’m so sorry,” I sighed out, looking down at my lap, “You deserve to know, but we’ve barely been on our second date and I—I didn’t want to tell you anything yet, I just didn’t think it was the right timing, you know? What was I even supposed to tell you? That I—”

“The reason why it pissed me off, is because it wasn’t his call to make. You were supposed to tell me once you felt ready and not Soonyoung to spite me,” Joshua took a deep breath and threw me a quick glance, “I don’t give a shit that you two were friends with benefits, Y/N, calm down, okay?”

I took a shaky breath and bit my lower lip, “Joshua, I’m—in love with Soonyoung.”

The silence was deadly and my heart was hammering in my chest, but Joshua’s thumb never stopped caressing the skin of my wrist, not even after I said those words.

“But I like you, very, very much. And I want to be with you, not Soonyoung. It took me so long to realize he’s not good for me, that he could never offer me what I need. Soonyoung is—not a good person. He was a good friend, and still is sometimes, but when it comes to relationships, he—doesn’t know what those mean. I don’t want to be with him, yes, I still love him but God! I’m doing everything I can to get over him and…it’s working. It’s hard and it takes time, but it’s working, Joshua. I’m slowly, but surely, falling for you. Even if it’s too early to say that, I feel it. You are so amazing, I never even dared to dream of someone like you! You respect me and bring out the best in me, make me laugh until my stomach hurts and make me feel things I never even knew I could feel. You are special, Joshua.”

I wasn’t even sure Joshua was paying attention to my rant, but by the time I finished, we arrived in front of my apartment complex. My heart was beating fast and I was scared to look at Joshua as he stopped the car, head turning towards me. If I were him, I knew I’d be furious and feeling like I got fucked over. That’s what scares me, what if he leaves me right now? How do I get over that? Losing two men I care about is too harsh.

“I know falling out of love can be a hard process, but I sure as hell haven’t seen someone before trying so hard to do it,” He chuckled and my eyebrows became relaxed a bit, “I understand you and I respect you. Thank you for telling me, even if I had to find out this way, I think you would’ve still told me. I have to be honest; I’m not pleased to know you love other man, but who would be? But I see how you act around me, and I don’t know how you used to act around Soonyoung, but I know that you simply radiate when you are with me. And you make me feel warm and full, always tugging at my heartstrings without even doing anything. I choose to trust you, Y/N. Prove me right, please.”

The sudden relieved laugh that left my lips was loud in the car and it brought a smile on Joshua’s lips, I felt like I could breathe again. My heart slowly returned to its natural rhythm as Joshua and I stared into each other’s eyes.

“Thank you, for trusting me.” I whispered and closed my eyes when he pressed his forehead against mine.

“Thank you, for making room for me in your heart.” A wide smile spread on my lips and I pressed my lips against Joshua’s softly, his cherry-colored lips pushing back just as gently. There was nothing hungry behind the kiss, only genuine feelings being poured into it, as our lips moved slowly. I wanted this moment to last forever, I wanted to ask Joshua to come up with me, but it was too soon. We decided in taking things slowly, if I called him up right now, that would change a lot. And we are not there yet, I’m not ready for that yet.

“So…” Joshua’s lips pulled up into a mischievous smirk once we pulled back from the kiss, “I’m your boyfriend, huh?”

I chuckled and shrugged, “Guess you are.”

“Good.” He breathed out and I leaned in to press another soft kiss against his lips before I went upstairs.

“Good night!” He called out as he rolled his window down, sending me a flying kiss. I caught it and pretended to press it where my heart was, putting it away and keeping it in a safe place.

“Good night!” I called back and quickly rushed inside the building, racing up the stairs to my apartment. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to be in the stairway late at night. Once inside my apartment, I closed and locked the front door, leaning over it. I was feeling ecstatic from that kiss and the word exchanges Joshua and I had, but then suddenly rage over took me. And I knew how I would spend my early morning tomorrow.

       It was early in the morning when I got up, the rage I felt towards Soonyoung didn’t let me rest much. Even as I cooked myself some breakfast, I found myself throwing everything around loudly and then feeling sorry for my neighbors, it was an early Sunday morning after all. After eating my breakfast, I took a shower in hopes that it would ease my tense muscles and angry thoughts, but it just fueled all the mean things I had to say to Soonyoung. After all, we all know in the shower come the mightiest ideas and arguments. After getting dressed, I took the car keys and off I was to Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment. Due to it being early, and a Saturday, traffic was almost none and I made it to their apartment in 10 minutes, a ride that on a normal day would take twenty minutes. I glanced at the clock and decided to go upstairs, knowing well hungover Soonyoung always got up at 6 am to nurse his headache, cook himself breakfast, and then go on a run to clear up his head. Besides, I wasn’t just here to put him in his place, I was here to hand him back their apartment key and ask for mine back. So, without second thoughts, once I reached their front door, I unlocked the door and barged inside. The apartment was quiet, Jihoon was still asleep as he had the nightshift last night, probably made it back home two or three hours ago so I was already feeling bad for waking him probably once Soonyoung and I start arguing. I heard some muffled noises coming from Soonyoung’s room, so I knew he was up. Taking a deep breath and rolling my shoulders a few times, I marched towards it and barged inside. The sight that greeted me wasn’t something I was expecting. Not now, not in a million years. Eyes wide, I turned back around and slammed the door closed, praying that it didn’t wake Jihoon. I heard a few groans and some mumbled words as I walked away from Soonyoung’s room, taking deep breaths. A girl, his girlfriend no doubt, with her mouth deep down Soonyoung’s dick. Both of their eyes went wide when I barged in, Soonyoung’s darkened a lot more once he realized it was me and not Jihoon. I didn’t see the girl’s reaction as I slammed the door closed, and now I was pacing up and down in the kitchen, reaching for a glass to pour some water into it. How am I going to do this? With his girlfriend over? I don’t want to drag her into this mess, I know she doesn’t know, and I don’t want her to find out either. I’m not like Soonyoung. If it was just Jihoon here, I wouldn’t have cared, he already knew everything. Just as I downed the glass of water, Soonyoung’s bedroom door was opened and the black-haired girl tiptoed out, long hair in a high ponytail now.

“Uh—Hi.” I greeted quietly and she gulped as she looked away embarrassed, “Uh—sorry, for barging in like that, I—”

“Yeah, uh—just forget about it?” The girl asked as she played around with the towel in her hands, “I’m Soonyoung’s girlfriend, Yuna, nice to meet you.”

“Y/N, nice to meet you too.” We nodded our heads at each other a little as the girl tried to smile at me but failed.

“Yeah, you’re Soonyoung’s friend—anyways, I’ll be taking a shower. See you later?” She headed for the bathroom door and I muttered quietly after her a ‘See you later’. As the bathroom door closed, out came Soonyoung from his room wearing his black sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His face was still swollen and his hair sticking out in every direction. He stood at the entrance of the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest as he watched me with a glare, a glare I returned fiercely.

“What?” He finally snapped like nothing happened yesterday, a glint of amusement filling his eyes.

“Don’t act like Saint Marry, Soonyoung!” I snapped, jaw clenching as the rage I’ve felt all night long flooded my body, “You have the fucking audacity to even ask ‘What?’ when you almost ruined my relationship with Joshua?!”

“Ah,” Soonyoung laughed quietly, “The one-week long relationship? Are you sure that’s a relationship? Maybe he just likes the way you suck his dick—”

“Don’t even talk about Joshua like that!” I snapped, making sure my voice remained low enough that it wouldn’t wake Jihoon, if he wasn’t awake already, nor would it reach Yuna’s ears.

“Oh, look at that! Defending him like you’re his little puppy—”

“Fuck you, Soonyoung! You’re a piece of shit!” I snapped, slamming the apartment keys down on the counter, “I want my fucking keys back, now.”

“No.”

“No? I don’t think so.” I snapped and glared at him as I went to walk past him, but Soonyoung grabbed me by my upper arm and pulled me back, hips pinning me between him and the counter.

“You can’t take the keys back.” He muttered lowly, his glare boring into my own.

“Those aren’t yours, to begin with, I am taking them back.” I went to push Soonyoung away but he grabbed my jaw tightly and forced my head to stay in place. I hissed at him and tried to swat at his hand, but he raised his eyebrows in warning.

“Just admit you’re here because you miss fucking me.” A shit eating grin spread over his lips and my palms turned into fists, ready to punch him any second now.

“I’m here, to tell you, that you are a scumbag, Soonyoung. I knew you played unfair your whole life, but telling Joshua we used to fuck? That was really low, Soonyoung. You proved that you’re a trash person deep down. You have a girlfriend but you go around being jealous? Trying to destroy your best friend’s relationship? When she’s finally happy?!”

“You just think you’re happy with Joshua, Y/N, but you aren’t really.” He growled, grip tightening on my jaw, making me hiss.

“Sure,” I scoffed, nodding my head, “Go ahead and tell me how I feel, right. Because you know! You! Not me!”

“You’ve only known him for a week, God damn it! You’ve known me for almost ten years! Can’t you see I’m right for you, Y/N? Who knows you like I do? No one else! I grew up with you, I was there to support you through everything! Through every heart break and every successful date! Y/N, I love you truly! Unlike Joshua who doesn’t even know you!” His voice started raising and he was breathing hard and I whined, gripping his wrist when his grip became unbearable on my jaw. If he was going to keep on squeezing, he would bruise it and I don’t want to go around lying to people.

“Well unlike Joshua, who doesn’t even know me! He’s the one who made me feel truly happy and heard and seen ever since we’ve reconciled, Soonyoung! I always felt so drained being with you. It was always about you! About making you satisfied, about making you happy, about supporting you no matter what, about bending myself to everything you wanted because I wasn’t important. Not as important as you, at least.” His grip softened but he didn’t let go, he was slowly shaking his head no, “You are afraid of letting go because I’m something safe, something you know. Something you can come back to. I know new things scare you, Soonyoung, but we are over. I don’t love you.”

“That’s a lie!” Soonyoung scoffed and rolled his eyes, giving me the moment to push his grip off my jaw, “You love me and I love you. Understand that already!”

“No, you don’t love me. Not like I did, anyways. My body is what you love, the way I made you feel and the way I would always bend to your likes. I broke myself down so that you could build yourself up, and you knew all along what you were doing, Soonyoung. And I knew, deep down I did, but I was blinded by my foolish love and selflessness. That’s not happening anymore, understand?”

But Soonyoung just kept shaking his head, “No, bullshit. I—love you!”

I bit my lower and realized pouring my heart out to him, about everything he made me feel made the dull ache disappear. It was like I felt nothing now when I looked at him.

“Stay away from Joshua and I, understand? Don’t make me take drastic measures, Soonyoung, because I will. You know I will!” I warned Soonyoung, wriggling out of his hold, “Whatever we ever had, takes an end, right now. After I leave this apartment, we are just co-workers. After we are done with this reception, we won’t work together unless Mrs. Choi or the project demands us to. We can’t be friends anymore, not after you broke my trust and respect like that. It was my job to tell Joshua we were friends with benefits, not yours!”

Soonyoung’s lips quivered as he stared at me hopelessly, a humorless laugh leaving his lips, “You really care that much about him? After a week?”

“You have no idea,” I whispered, looking away from him as seeing him so broken didn’t sit well with me, “He makes me feel like no one else.”

“And I couldn’t do that?” He whispered quietly; eyes trained on the kitchen floor.

“No.” I muttered, gulping and taking a deep breath, “Tell Jihoon I’m sorry if we woke him up and that I’m sorry I couldn’t properly say goodbye, but maybe we’ll see each other from time to time. Next time dinner will be on me, if I see him.”

Soonyoung sniffed once and then looked up and nodded, walking past me. I watched him as he reached inside his jacket’s pocket and pulled out multiple keys. He detached one set and turned around, walked up to me and placed the keys in my hands. The keychain, the little turtle that I gifted him in our first year of college, broke my heart. I looked up at Soonyoung with teary eyes and he was quick to hug me. His chest rocked as he buried his head in my shoulder and I returned the tight hug, feeling my own tears rolling down my cheeks. This hurt a lot more than when he told me had a girlfriend. My lungs were heaving for oxygen and no matter how deeply I tried to breathe it wasn’t working. It was more painful, because we were saying goodbye to each other. To a friend of a lifetime, to a secret lover, to someone who meant to world to us at one point. And that was more painful than realizing we were in love and thinking the other wouldn’t return it.

“Maybe—maybe when—we have sorted things out—we could be—friends again.” Soonyoung said between sniffles, rubbing my back up and down.

“Maybe.” I whispered, unsure if there was reconciling from this one. Maybe there was, maybe there wasn’t.

“Stay healthy for me, please?” I muttered into Soonyoung’s shoulder as I took in his scent for the last time. The scent that brought so much comfort and pain at some point in my life. A scent I associated once with home.

“Yeah…just, be happy.” Soonyoung was the first to pull away, eyes red as he looked me over. I offered him a sad smile, clearing my throat and cleaning my face of the tears.

“Bye.” I called out quietly and Soonyoung gulped before he gripped my wrist and pressed a painful kiss against my lips.

“Bye.” Yet he still managed to smile, that smile that was so contagious and lit up a whole room. I returned it, but only half heartedly as I left Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment, leaving my best friend and the feeling behind. It felt liberating in a way, like the final weight was lifted too, like I could fly up high in the sky again.

The door that opened for Joshua in my heart before, was wide open now. Ready to be filled with Joshua and Joshua only.

[sinisterlyhan]

05. hwang hyunjin /  5813 words

stoner!hyunjin, softdom!hyunjin, female reader, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, cream pie, size kink, reader is quite obedient here, fluff

tw: mentions of drugs

a/n: i wrote the first part of this drabble on my sfw account but decided to expand it and wrote the smut part for it. i doubt you’ll see something similar, but if you do, that’s most likely me. / please do envision this hyunjin to look exactly like ta!hyunjin.

the smoke stopped bothering you as much as it used to.

starting from burned up cigarettes to block-shaped vapes to dried up marijuana—you were no expert when it came to drugs but the ones you can name from the top of your head, you have likely seen hyunjin smoke it, whether it was under the bleachers during the weekend football matches or at a secret corner of the school’s backyard where teachers rarely head to check for students.

well, he did stop smoking at the backyard ever since you told him not to because that was where the school bunnies were taken care of. that was the only one of many advice he has taken from you ever since you found out he was half-way down his path to becoming a chronic smoker.

tonight was no exception. the smell of cigarette smoke wafted before your nose as you stirred on the bed hyunjin has laid you on after you fell asleep on the floor. you were reading a book, he didn’t pay attention to what it was but he dumped it on the edge of his desk so you could find it in the morning.

the moon was bluer than usual this night, making the blue sky look darker than ever. hyunjin’s long hair appeared to be a shade of blond and brown mixed together, framing his pretty face as it fell over the black headband he started wearing to keep his hair from bothering his eyes.

he was leaning against the balcony fence, completely unfazed by the cold despite wearing a sleeveless shirt. he got one elbow propped up on the vinyl rail while the other arm held up with a burning cigarette stuck between his slender fingers, smoking his unsaid sorrows away as he observed the vast city before him.

hyunjin looked more ethereal than ever like this. enticing, even. every move he makes, each inhales of his chest and each puff of lips felt like a revelation. he was spilling secrets to the gods above, with elegant smoke circulating his features, thus adding seduction to his overall being.

he was unbothered, melancholic, graceful—he was himself.

and no matter how many times you told yourself he was not your type of boys, you found yourself picking those brown creamy eyes over all others, you found yourself falling for the same witty smile all over again, and you found yourself melting against his surprisingly tender touch.

you fall and you fall, and all of a sudden, he was who you wanted him to be, and he was who you have always wanted.

shifting his weight, hyunjin spared a glance into his room and his heart skipped a quiet beat when he saw you staring back at him.

just having anyone on his bed was a miracle to him, not to mention the person was you, whom he has been in love with since the teacher demanded him to tutor you in order to raise your academic grades and to eliminate his bad conduct grades.

crazy enough, he never thought he would fall for someone like you. slow, clumsy, bad at spelling and can’t figure out simple math equations—not his type whatsoever. but he thought of you one night when it was all quiet and the wind blew his horrible memories away with the scent of smoke, he thought of you. how determined you were, how faultless and understanding you were, how you were always so kind to him.

and he fell, too, much earlier than you did for him.

hyunjin pushed himself off the balcony rail and took a few steps only to stop at the glass doors. he leaned against the frame, taking in a breath of smoke and blowing it out into the room, causing you to sit up with a grimace, whining slightly at the smoke.

“did I wake you up?” he asked, crossing his legs.

“yeah,” you nodded, rubbing your eyes, “it is cold without you here, hyunjin.”

he cocked a brow. “and?”

you huffed out a gentle sigh. “come back to bed with me.”

his sweater was threatening to fall off one side of your shoulder, exposing your collarbones that were littered with fading purple spots he found himself smirking at. the hoarseness of your voice dripped with velvet seduction and the drowsiness in your eyes were pure liquid gold; the way you just make him crave for your skin was nothing like he has ever felt.

he brought the cigarette close to his lips and inhaled deeply. he held it in as the threw the burning roll into the sky before he headed back into the room. the blue hues were making him feel more needy and loving than usual, and he just felt the need to kiss you.

your breath hitched when he tapped your chin with his finger, bringing your head up to look at him. He leaned down to your level after getting on the bed as well, the lights in his eyes curved with a kind of magnetism you couldn’t explain. and he smelt of smoke, obviously, but the scent you found much more appealing when he was the one wearing it like a fragrance.

when hyunjin thought he was close enough to you, he opened his mouth and exhaled the smoke. with fog trailing out his lips, stained with his taste, he breathed the smoke down your lungs.

like the wind and the stars from beyond the window, the smoke overwhelmed you, as did the way hyunjin’s fingers curled beneath you chin at the base of your neck, massaging your throat until they reached the back and cupped it gently to bring you forward to him.

he pressed his lips to yours, sealing the misty vault, and suddenly he was all you knew how to breathe.

he has always kissed you in such a way—thorough as a delicate painting, sensual as a plead for serenity, rough with desperation but also with so much familiarity that you could find your heart calming at the touch of his lips. and he leaves you breathless, with an edge that makes you want him more, every time.

your hands found their way to his shoulders when he pushed you back, a light whimper of his name bumping against his teeth when he nibbled on your lower lip for permission. hyunjin groaned at the sound, pushing you further down onto the mattress unconsciously so he could hover over you to take more control of your movements.

god, if there was one thing hyunjin was addicted to, it wouldn’t be nicotine, it would be you. unlike cigarettes and poisons, you were a permanent antidote and he would never burn you out.

your hand moved up to caress the side of his face, shifting through his silky hair you have run your hands through hundreds of times in the past. hyunjin was kissing you hard, causing an ache below your abdomen in the wake of his tongue tracing across your bottom teeth. and when he pulled away, still nudging the bridge of his nose against yours, you were unable to open your eyes for a moment, still drowning in and out of your own consciousness.

“hyunjin…” you whispered, whimpered almost, at the loss of his warmth. opening your eyes, you found his eyes hazy with desire, the thirst to mark up the map on exposed body evident with each trail of his gaze along your features.

the hand behind your neck squeezed benevolently, skillfully as well, while his other hand that had wandered down your side tugged at the hem of his sweater. he was waiting for permission, his sharp eyes pleading for a breathless demand from you so he could begin to satiate his own craving, so you both could experience a new way to give your souls to each other.

you moved your legs, your inner thighs brushing past his hips ever so tenderly, trapping him on top of you. hyunjin’s eyes glistened with eagerness when you nodded, immediately diving back down to capture your lips as his hand felt up your warm torso, bringing his sweater along with each dainty touch of his fingers.

you inhaled automatically as he stole the oxygen from your lungs, and you found that hyunjin still smelt of the cigarette smoke he was breathing in just a while ago. that would probably stay with you for a long while, especially with all the mist he just blew down your throat.

his hands had snuck beneath the sweater instead of taking it off, and they wandered along your bare skin slowly. his fingers were taking in every inch and every bump of your torso, squeezing the delicate size of your waist and gently pressing against the bone of your ribs.

you felt warm. so, so warm. like the smoke that clogs his lungs at night and the poison that suffocates corners of his room. it was dangerously fulfilling and he could never get enough of it; his hands keep gravitating towards you and his lips keep touching your skin.

hyunjin physically could not keep anything off you, not his mind nor his body. it was the only way he knew how to survive the night.

"ahh–hyunjin!" you gasped when his fingers closed around your breasts, squeezing with might and rolling his palm against the roundness.

he didn't say anything. his lips were too busy moving down your neck to find the time for words. you shut your eyes, concentrating on the wonderful feeling of his hands fondling your breasts while you angled your head to give him more access to your neck.

hyunjin settled with a soft spot on your skin and he sucked on it. he sucked on it hard, adding more pigment to the litter of elegant purples from the previous session. you whimpered at the pain from his teeth, and he quickly ran his tongue over the spot to soothe you down.

"i'm gonna eat you out," he said lowly when he moved back up to your face.

his mouth hovered over your ear, his teeth nibbling at your earlobe. you couldn't focus on anything else aside from the way his hand snuck down to your legs and started dancing along your inner-thighs, taunting what was between your legs.

"is that okay?" he asked, a hint of seductive mischief laced in his deep voice. "do you want me to tongue-fuck you, baby?"

"i–i..." you closed your mouth when your voice gave away, your chest heaving in anticipation.

fuck—why does this always happen? it was like being with him simply drains your sanity and knowledge. you were rendered useless around him all the time; you couldn't speak without being spoken to, you couldn't use your tiny voice properly, and you couldn't think with that stupid little brain of yours.

that was not at all like you. you had no idea you could be that way until he fucked you for the first time during a study session.

hyunjin has one hand in your hair now, his movement gentle with just the right amount of roughness in it. his fingers ran through your scalp carefully as he kissed the side of your face, his lips practically pinned to yours, and he would pull at your hair occasionally to earn a needy moan.

"ye–yes, hyunjin, please," you said finally, feeling your head being pulled to the side. "please fuck me with your tongue, i want it."

"of course, baby.” he smiled. it is always nice to hear you beg for him, it makes him feel wanted.

you could hear the smugness in his voice. it didn't use to affect you that much, he had been using it ever since he first met you.

it started with the normal day-to-day conversation, where he could speak triumphantly after scolding you for not understanding a science concept. and then it was much friendlier chats where he had said the words "i told you so" on multiple occasions.

and finally, when you two hooked up for the first time. it was when hyunjin discovered just how whiny and submissive you could be under the mercy of his touches. it was one hell of a discovery, alright, and he has got you wrapped around his fingertips since then.

your hands found their way to hyunjin’s shoulders when he went down. you were pushing him down with faint impatience, but with the meek strength you had, it barely felt like anything much to him. your abdomen had started aching the second he whispered to you what he planned to do, and your cheeks blushed at how much you were looking forward to it.

his hands went down the side of your body to push up the hem of your sweater until the fabric barely covered your breasts. as he moved down, he planted tight kisses to your skin, carefully worshipping your heavenly body as he should. his fingers moved down below your waist before they started to fiddle with the waistband of your pantie. he smirked; no shorts, hmm?

you could feel his breath fanning against your clothed core and the anticipation rose within your chest. your legs unconsciously spread just a little farther for him, silently showing him how much you wanted him, as if the little wet patch in the middle of your underwear wasn’t enough indication.

“my pretty girl is wet,” hyunjin muttered under his breath as he cupped a hand over your heat. his finger dipped against the fabric, ever so slightly poking into your hole to slick up your pantie even more. his thumb found its way to your clit, adding pressure to it before he gently rubbed circles at it.

you let out a string of breathy gasps, your knees pushing together but stopping when his torso blocked them from meeting each other. it was the way things he said and did that made you all riled up like this; the way he so casually called you his, while simultaneously teasing your wet cunt like he does it every day. it made you feel hot all over, and your natural reactions to it never fail to make hyunjin smile.

“let’s get this off of you,” he said after a while, seeing that you were starting to squirm restlessly simply from his fingers.

moving his head down to your waist, his eyes rolled up to look at you and a lustful smirk made its way to his face. his messy hair framed over the sides of his face prettily, attractively falling over the corners of his features like a match made in heaven. your heart pumped at his teasing smile and the desirable glimmer behind his eyes; he planned to make you feel really good.

and he would. you knew he would.

hyunjin tugged at the hem of your pantie with his teeth, pulling at it slightly before pulling it down past your thighs and finally down to your ankles. you moved your feet to help him out, letting him loop the piece of fabric away from you before he sat upon the bed. he looked down at you, your undergarment snuck loosely between his front teeth, and he raised a brow at your blushed eyes.

he couldn’t see it clearly but he knew your cheeks were red. and he loved it. he loved making you all flustered and embarrassed. he loved how timid you could be until he commands you to be louder for him, then your voice would be clear as crystals, shattering in the smoke-filled air despite the pressure his hand adds to your throat.

dropping your pantie to his hand, he discarded it on the corner of his bed before leaning back down to you. he kissed your tummy again and let his warm lips ghost down your skin, your back arching at the itchy feeling. when he almost met your entrance, though, he moved his head to the side so he could pay attention to your thighs. it was everywhere but the middle.

your legs stretched when hyunjin bit down at your skin, creating a wet bite mark as a punishment for you trying to buck your hips up to his face. you whimpered as your muscles relaxed, your eyes blinking at the sharp sting of pain from his grip on your thighs.

what an impatient little thing you are, couldn’t wait for a second more to get fucked by him.

thank god he has a soft spot for you, or else he would drag this teasing out forever.

moving his head over to your heat, hyunjin carefully tested it out by planting a kiss on your lips. you shuddered, your moan sucked back into your throat when your lips sealed shut at the feeling. he hummed, knowing fairly well your mouth would open itself soon, so he continued.

sticking his tongue out, he gently licked a harsh line up your slit. your essence stained the tip of his tongue deliciously, and he repeated the movement to gather up more of your arousal before his plump lips met your throbbing clit. he lightly kissed it before reaching his lips around the bud to give the bundle of nerves a sudden suck.

you moaned, your back arching and your sweater paws curled tightly to your chest. your legs curled at the knee, scraping across his head just barely when your knees met each other above him. it was a habit of yours to shrink yourself into a ball when the pleasure hit you. you do that to cope with the feeling instead of grabbing his hair or clawing at his skin.

you never touch him first unless he permits you to do it. and something about it was endearing to hyunjin. the way you're so obedient without needing to have it edged into you.

perhaps the student and tutor relationship you guys had gave you the impression that he has more authority over you, and it got stuck until now.

he didn't stop his assault on your clit, his tongue flicking across the protruding bud and his teeth pressing down on it lightly to stimulate your nerves. your moans increased the more he sucked on you, the slurping sounds of his mouth an embarrassing yet blissful sound to hear.

hyunjin could feel your body shaking above him. your feet were hitting his shoulders and back, moving aimlessly at each of your jolts, so his hand flew to your thigh and gripped it so he could pull one leg down on his shoulder, forcing you to stop squirming around.

his other hand moved up your body meanwhile, shifting under your sweater to cup your breast and twist your nipple.

you hummed contently at the feeling of his soft hand. your hands had moved away to your shoulders, your fists clenching as your free leg moved up and about with each stroke of his tongue along your slit.

after lapping the juices that dripped down your cunt, he suddenly brought his tongue past your lips and poked it into your hole. it elicited a loud moan from you, your walls and your fists clenching when he flicked his tongue in an up-and-down motion.

hyunjin hummed in satisfaction, enjoying the way your leg trembled under his grip. and when your hand pounced onto the bedsheet, he moved away from your heat for a moment to look up at your whiny eyes.

he arched a brow knowingly at you. "you can touch me."

"o–oh, okay–okay!" your quiet voice turned into a squeal when hyunjin wasted no time to dive back down to your cunt, his tongue poking its way back into your dripping hole once more and spreading his saliva all over your walls.

your hand found its way to soft blond locks, grabbing a fistful of it but never pulling at it. your other hand moved to your chest where hyunjin caressed your breast, and you removed it so you could grab onto his much larger palm instead.

he let his hand loose, allowing you to maneuver it however you wanted. you squeezed and pressed on his hand with each hefty whine, the feeling of his tongue shoving in and out of your cunt a wonderfully filthy sensation.

"ahh–mmm, hyunjin, i'm–" your toes curled as the fiery feeling burned at your abdomen, your eyes slightly rolling up to your head when he stopped to pay more attention to your clit.

you started to pull at his hair then, his scalp feeling a light sting ever so often when you couldn't help yourself. your leg jolted around as the sucking sounds got louder, and your ankles were hitting his back harshly with the trembling of your leg.

hyunjin hummed in amusement. it gets like this every time; you start with not touching him, and when given the permission you do it carefully until the pleasure becomes severe and your subconscious forces you to hurt him a little.

when you start thrashing about mindlessly, it means he is doing a good job. and he always wants to do a good job for you, to make you feel like you've ascended someplace else beyond the earth.

"hyunjin, i—ahh, i want to cum," you whined, holding onto his hand tightly as the stars slowly faded into your eyes.

and then he moved away.

like sunlight being filtered through the cloudy sky, your climax vanished as quickly as a rainstorm could stop. you were left hanging on the edge of an orgasm, your hole clenching to savior the previous feeling his tongue has given you.

you didn't whine out loud, you were too obedient to be blatantly impatient. but your pretty eyes spoke all the words for you, from the disappointment to the neediness, they sparkled under the dim room and hyunjin could only smirk at your hopeless expression.

he hovered over you, his face directly above yours as his hand moved to caress your heated cheek. you adorable thing, so small under his tall body and so weak compared to his strength.

and you knew that, didn't you? you knew he has authority over you in almost every aspect. it made you so susceptible to his every move, and possibly the reason why you were such a submissive little whore for him.

it was just the way he likes it.

the back of his fingers ran down your cheek slowly and you shut your eyes to the feeling. his touch—they are so addicting, something about them brings you solace no matter the occasion.

you were surprised when you first allowed him access to your naked body. everything about him was careful, and still, he gave you a kind of pleasure nobody has ever given you before. and your fear vanished in seconds when it hit you that hyunjin could never hurt you on his own will.

it was the way he would hold you ever so softly, how the weight of his hands lightens on your skin unless prompted otherwise by you, how even without the straightforward roughness he could make your stomach churn euphorically.

and you wanted him now, so fucking badly.

hyunjin tilted his head to the side when you opened your eyes. confusion flooded his head when you suddenly raised your hand to his jaw, and when you finally grabbed a hold of him, you brought him down to you so you could kiss him.

he welcomed the kiss, your lips brushing together passionately. heavy breathes and needy moans filled the air when you stated to buck your hip up against his, and he reciprocated immediately by grinding his hardened cock against your wet heat.

you could feel yourself getting wetter, and the burning in your chest yearned to be satiated by him, so you forced yourself to pull away. you kept his face close, your eyes rounded pleadingly at him as you squished his cheeks together slightly.

"can you please fuck me, hyunjin?" you asked timidly, your pussy aching for him. "i need your cock, please?"

god, he couldn't be sure if he softened or hardened, really. his dick twitched under his sweats upon your delicate begging, but his brain could only admire what a good baby girl you were for asking him so nicely like that.

who would have thought the clumsy, innocent, cheerful girl sitting at the front of the class would turn out to be so dirty for such an annoying, rebellious boy like him? nobody knows, and nobody will ever know.

hyunjin intended to keep this side of you hidden away from public eyes forever because you belong to him as much he belongs to you.

it started with you scolding him about smoking in class and him wacking your head for cheating on a mock test. now he hovers over your half-naked body, desperately pulling his pants down so he could collide with you under the night-blue sky.

all it took was one innocent look and a couple of breathy words from you to get him crumbling from inside out.

finally getting rid of his boxers, he lowered his body to press against yours. his hand reached down to pump his length before he positioned his tip at your entrance. he ran it along your slit, your hands moving down to his shoulders and gripping it as he gathered your arousal at his tip and teased your hole for a while.

"do you want my cock? you want me to push it in?" he asked first, then he looked at you, his gaze intense yet quite vulnerable as he awaited your answer. "do you want me?"

"yes, hyunjin," you replied in a hush, a hint of fondness seeping into your shy voice. "please."

his heart wavered. he loves you. it just hit him again, but he loves you. he loves the bruises on your collarbones and what they indicate, he loves the endearment in your voice when you beg for him, he loves the warmth of your limbs when they touch his body.

talk about being susceptible. hyunjin is the one who's wrapped around your pretty fingers, he is the one stuck in the middle of your palm, not the other way around.

he leaned down to capture your lips when he decided to finally push himself inside you. your moan was muffled when his length stretched you out slowly, your walls tightening around him at the big intrusion and your nails digging into his shoulders.

hyunjin's brows furrowed in concentration. it was hard to move inside you, your walls were clamping down on him, fitted closely and almost pulling him to a stop. it felt both suffocating and phenomenal, the pleasure mixing in with the discomfort and creating the most interesting ensemble.

how was this possible, he wondered. you two had sex just last week, it has not been that long, yet you had reverted to your virgin tightness again.

"ahh–no–" you pulled away from his mouth to gasp when he tried to move, the scorching pain suddenly flaring up inside your cunt. "it hurts–"

hyunjin paused immediately, his hand flying up to your hair and tugging a piece away from your face. he spoke with concern, his voice a whisper, "do you want me to stop?"

you hummed lowly with a shake of your head, your legs moving to go around his lower back. "no, just–just go slow."

"okay, baby, we'll move slow," he cooed, moving to kiss all over your face as he moved his hips at a much slower pace. "you are doing so good, baby girl. you're already making me feel so nice."

he hoped to help you adjust as much as he could. his hand laced through yours to give you assuring squeezes, his mouth gently leaving butterflies on your face to distract you from the painful stretch, his voice leaving lovely praises here and there to make you feel loved.

you opened your soul to him and placed your vulnerability in his hands when you let him loom over your tiny body. the least he could do was be patient with you, hyunjin thought, to listen to what you want and give you what you desire.

the pain was subsiding gradually, and his slow thrusts were becoming more pleasurable than painful. as your heavy breaths finally ceased to an end and the moan he longed to hear finally surfaced, hyunjin waited for you to give him a cue before he started to move.

"you can move now, hyunjin," you told him. "please move."

and then it was just ecstasy—the way he rolled his hips into yours, his length brushing past your slick and sensitive walls with each heartfelt thrust; his hands moving to your waist and the base of your neck, steadying you for better access and to apply pressure for more stimulation on your senses; his lips sloppily kissing your jaw and your chin, the hot breaths of his grunts a solid reminder of how good you were making him feel.

hyunjin was lost in the way you feel, but his mind was somehow still sane enough to process his sight and touch.

his body leaned against yours, closely with the fabric of your clothes touching. your sweater was lifted to your breasts still, exposing your tummy which he occasionally ran his hand over. your legs hanging on and off his back, tightening and loosening depending on how hard his thrusts were.

and you two were face to face. he watched the euphoric scrunch of your face, how your eyes shut tightly and your jaw hung open to moan. and sometimes your eyes would gaze into each other when you two felt like it, and it wouldn't be embarrassing at all.

this position allowed for a lot of intimacy, a lot of closeness. you two were essentially hugging each other through it, his big body engulfing your tiny one entirely as you clung to him with your hands.

and he loved it more than anything.

"ah, fuck, hyunjin," you huffed, circling your arms around his shoulder as you felt your high approaching. "you feel so good, oh god."

he smiled faintly, the sudden motivational boost causing him to pick up his pace. he fucked into you faster, your breasts bouncing with each snap of his hips. he shifted his legs to support himself better, angling his hips to lean on you a little more.

"i feel good, hmm, baby?" he asked, leaving wet kisses over the side of your cheek and circling your ear.

you nodded enthusiastically. "yes, you feel really good, you feel goo–shit!" you widened your eyes as a choked moan escaped your lips loudly. your legs moved toward each other automatically and your back arched off the bed when he hit your g-spot. "fuck, hyunjin, right there–ahh, please!"

his hand moved from your waist to your stomach to keep you down. he continued to pound into you, repeatedly brushing against your sweet spot and bringing you waves of pleasure. there was not a moment of rest until you could feel your peak arriving.

"hyunjin, i want to cum," you said—begged—with a hoarse voice looking at him with round, expectant eyes. "please let me cum, can i please?"

ugh! you're such a good little girl! hyunjin just—god, he couldn't even find the right words. they way you constantly make him feel so in control but not threatening, so dominant and unafraid of affection. it was like he could be the best, he could be everything.

"cum around me, it's okay," he said, tapping your chin.

and your climax washed over your body. your toes curling, your legs tensing up, your eyes rolling back, and your back arching as you came undone around his cock. you continued to pant even after you were done, watching hyunjin as he moved to chase after his orgasm.

your walls gave him an unbelievable clench when you orgasmed, and hyunjin could feel the pressure building up at his abdomen solely from the tightness of your pussy and the lewd moan of his name you let out.

"baby, i'm gonna cum in you, okay?" he asked, thrusting faster into you.

you whimpered with a small nod. "yeah, okay."

"good girl," he sighed out, his hand going up to your hair to caress your head.

you were staring right into his eyes, almost daringly as if taunting him to release in you quickly, daring him to feel you up so he could feel his cum ooze out of your used hole.

"oh god, i'm close, i'm–"

"cum in me, hyunjin."

"(name)–fuck!" he whined, his face pressed to the crook of your neck as he sprouted all over your walls, coating your insides with a shade of sticky white.

he pumped himself in and out of you a few more times, riding the orgasm out and just to relish in the feeling of being all warm and soft inside your cunt, then he finally pulled himself out completely.

you sighed contently at the feeling, your insides filled with hot liquid slowly trailing along your walls. and your legs dropped to the mattress, exhausted and sore all over.

hyunjin laid down next to you, his legs tangling with yours as he turned to his side and brought you close to his chest. you snuck an arm around him, comfortably leaning close to him.

"do you want me to clean you up? i can help you shower," he suggested, patting your back slowly.

"no, i just want to sleep. we can just wash the sheets tomorrow." you shook your head, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep. you snuggled up to him, your head arching up and poking his chest with your chin to get his attention.

hyunjin glanced down at you, his hair covering his eyes slightly but his soft smile was visible. you looked adorable like this, drowning in his sweater and safe in his arms.

oh, you're his baby. he loves you so much.

"what?" he asked, rubbing your neck with his thumb.

"don't leave me to go smoke this time," you warned, reaching up to poke his nose. "or don't smoke at all, that's good too."

he huffed out a short laugh, rolling his eyes in the know that it would take him a long while to get rid of the addiction. but he just might do it for your sake, if you nag him enough.

"why? do you still hate the smell?" he asked, leaning down to kiss your lips.

you laughed into the kiss. there was still an aftertaste of cigarette smoke lingering stubbornly on his lips, you just now realized.

but you knew, the smoke had stopped bothering you as much as it used to.

[bi-writes]

mine—mob!tom

a notorious extra

She is the sun, moon, and stars, and she is all for me.

this fic can be read stand-alone from the series

type: one-shot, alternate universe detail: mob!tom x fem!reader word count: 9.1k warnings: mature language and themes, nsfw content 18+ (unprotected sex, breeding kink, dom!tom, oral—fem!receiving) series masterlist

this part is dedicated to @duskholland​—thank you for always supporting this series and being my cheerleader

Everything was blue. The moonlight was soft, and the drapes were open, and it made the room so blue. Perhaps it would calm him when he found out. Maybe, just maybe, he could be comforted by the light when he discovered the side of your bed cold and empty, left behind.

Maybe it would help him to forgive you.

You watched his sleeping figure as you zipped up your jacket. He had been so tired lately, those eyes you loved so much always drawn downwards. He carried deep, dark circles under them, a permanent frown on his face, a bitterness to him that left the space between you cold and distant and tense. You tried to soothe him with kisses, with love, with something gentle, but Tom turned away from you always. Not even switching your normal attire for something more revealing had done much to calm his mind. He was somewhere else entirely, his eyes always closed. He always said it helped him think, but you thought it better allowed his already-formed opinions devour him.

Finally, tonight, you had gotten him to sleep. You wouldn’t let him into the bedroom unless his hands were empty, free of his laptop or documents or papers, and Tom had a rule against sleeping without you.

The rule was that he never did.

He had tried hard to force himself into the bedroom, but one look at your face had him frozen. In any challenge, Tom was no match for you. Your word was final, always, and while Tom always had a way of standing up to you, it never mattered.

“I know what I’m doing, y/n.”

“Men always say that, and then they fuck it up.”

“I’m not going to fuck it up!”

“Don’t yell at me. You’re not a child. Give me a reason why, and look at me like you respect me, in the fucking eyes, Tom. Tell me.”

Silence always followed arguments that went that sort of way. Tom was always so angry, hands so tense he thought of grabbing you and shaking you, but then he would realize that was exactly what you wanted to hear. Nothing, because Tom was always too angry to think properly. Men that were angry never thought, they only acted, and then Tom would be angry because as always, you were right.

There were no secrets between you. Tom voiced every thought in his head, even if he thought it stupid, because you were listening, and sometimes you were the only voice that ever made sense and the only one that would listen. His men were obedient, willing, but all they did was try and please him with new ideas, and sometimes Tom just needed to say what was on his mind. His favorite way to think was to sit on your shared bed, with your head in his lap as he played with your hair, his voice low as he spoke gently, sometimes into your ear. It soothed him to have you near, to know you were giving him your undivided attention, and it was where most of his decisions suddenly became clear and sound. His wife was listening, and if she was still listening, it meant she thought he was right, and if she thought it was right, then it just was.

Tonight had been different. There had been no arguments, no talking. You finally let him in when he was without anything, and as soon as he came in, you turned out all the lights and got into bed. Tom had taken the silent cue, undressing and getting into a warm shower, and when he came back to bed, you were waiting for him, one hand drawn out for him to take. He had taken it; tightly, he wound himself into your arms, and he realized he didn’t need to work. His head hurt, so much, and finally there was nothing but silence around him and the touch of you. Fingers threading through his curls, soft skin against his own, warm body near his. He had fallen asleep before he even had the chance to say anything more.

You waited until his body had gone completely limp beside you before you had gotten up. There were no secrets between you; not until now, at least.

You respected Tom’s privacy because you loved him; it was also because you and Tom had vowed to never have secrets, lies, stories get between the two of you. You were better than that, meant for more than that, but you had noticed things had been off for some time now. You weren’t worried about other women no matter how many times his men talked around you.

You were certain other women did not excite Tom. Sometimes you wondered if his men thought they were clever because of it, maybe they even thought they were funny; poking at relationship insecurities must have been a game for them. You had let the thought entertain you once or twice, but Tom’s love never faltered, not even once. The distance between you was not one of love.

It was words.

You had noticed weeks before the way he sat. Tense, unrelaxed shoulders, the hard set of his jaw, that thing he would do with his fingers when he was stressed. Flexing them and unflexing them, and he would scratch at the tattoo of your initials on his finger absentmindedly. He ate in his office, and when you would fall asleep by yourself, sometimes you’d notice him wearing the same outfit as the day before in bed. There were things on his mind, and when Tom Holland was sure of himself, he was not a tense, stressed, bottled up man in sleek suits. He was confident, open, and he was bold enough to bend you right over his desk and take you in any room of his house. But even those moments didn’t feel right; staring into his eyes had been scarce. Tom was always good to you, always sweet, but no longer did his love feel direct. It felt like something to find release, to find relief in the tightness of his being, and while you liked to be that outlet for him at times, it didn’t seem to relieve any part of him anymore.

There was something on his mind; and he was not telling you what that something was.

You found yourself in his office. Your heels clicked against the wood as you stepped inside, and you made sure to lock the door behind you as you carried yourself through the room. On the chair in front of his desk was where he had thrown all of the things he had planned to carry to bed. Laptop, papers, a few pens he had left uncapped. You picked up the pile, moving his laptop to the side as you flipped open the first few manila folders.

Sheets, a money trail you had seen many times before on paper, but you didn’t recognize the accounts on it. They were not Tom’s accounts, no, they belonged to someone else. You took a seat in Tom’s chair, grabbing one of the uncapped pens and dragging the ballpoint tip against the paper as you went over the numbers. The money moved around like clockwork. Tom had written notes in the corners in his scrawling handwriting.

Offshore to shell, shell to offshore.

Back and forth, where is it coming from?

No English companies, can’t trace the transaction.

You eyed Tom’s laptop, picking it up and opening it up in front of you. You typed his password in, watching it unlock, and you made sure the searches were untraceable before following the breadcrumbs Tom had left behind. You had a sour taste in your mouth.

If he had asked for my help, I could have found the fucking answers myself.

Tom was good at getting answers, but he always had trouble connecting the dots. Men always had the motivation to gather the puzzle pieces, but it was women who always figured out where each piece lied.

Tom was always too busy in his mind to ever do it on his own.

It didn’t take you long to produce a name. Money was easy to move around, but it was difficult to hide, especially when it amounted to hundreds of millions of pounds. With everything digital, the footprints were hard to find, but they were always, always there.

You shut Tom’s laptop, reaching down into his desk. He kept a drawer with a false bottom on the left side; it was where he kept the cigarettes you never let him have. When you opened the drawer and popped the bottom, you did find the cigarettes. But it was something else that made your heart drop.

There were crumpled parchment paper notes, smashed and ripped, at the bottom. You slowly took them out, smoothing the paper out on the desk. You swallowed hard as your eyes scanned over the small papers. They had been ripped out of a notebook, the paper thick and brown and rough, and there on the paper was you.

You had a smile on your face, and you were wearing your favorite leather jacket. You were sketched onto the paper, deep smudges of lead filling in the shadows of your face. Near the bottom was an address. You had been to that address wearing that smile.

The rest of the notes were similar. Sketches of you, in different outfits, with different smiles, but all of you in that smudged, dark pencil shading. Each picture had a caption, locations of where you had been when they had been sketched, and you had tears in your eyes when you realized why Tom had been so upset, distant, away from you.

“I love you.”

“I know that, Tom.”

“No—”

“Tom, hey! I’m trying to do some work here, please, I don’t have time to—Oh!”

“Just…let me look at you, darling. Please.”

“What’s gotten into you, Tom?”

“Nothing. I just love you. Say it back.”

“Tom…”

“Say it back, y/n. Please.”

“I love you, Tom. You know that. You know I love you.”

You smoothed out the last note, and you felt nothing but anger when you read what was scribbled onto it.

She’s beautiful. Give it back, and maybe, just maybe, we can talk.

You shoved all the notes back into the drawer, haphazardly closing it. You slammed it closed rather, grabbing Tom’s gun off the table and stuffing into the back of your jeans. You rummaged through his drawers looking for anything else, but you came up empty.

Tom wasn’t going to have enough time to stop you. He was fast asleep in your bedroom, and he would stay there. His men would tell Tom as soon as they noticed you leave, but you knew that, and that was why you left from the second story window of his office, dropping down a few ledges until you made your way to the garage. You were quick to pick a vehicle, getting into the drivers’ side. Tom never trusted you with his cars. You had grown up driving on the other side of the road, and he would joke that you would ruin his precious collection.

Really, you knew that didn’t matter to him. You could burn Tom’s millions, and he would still look at you with that same, doe-eyed lovesick expression. Really, you thought he was afraid of where you might go if you were the one driving. You always thought about taking him with you, driving off into nowhere. Tom would object, but if you left, you had a feeling he would follow.

You drove for what felt like hours. You always taught Tom not to act rashly, but you had acted rashly just now. But even with the time between you, even having silence around you to let yourself breathe and think, you were still angry, seething with it, hot inside all over.

You knew why. People threatened you all the time. You were a princess, a queen, an heiress that had inherited an underground, criminal fortune, and everyone wanted your head just to have a taste of the wealth at your fingertips. You weren’t afraid of other people, you weren’t scared of what they could do to you.

But not my Tommy. Never my Tommy.

All of the lights were on in the house when you stepped through the front door. You had put your hair up and away from your face when you left, but now it was down, forced out of its style. Your jacket was in your hand, and there was blood on your clothes. Tom’s gun was still tucked into the back of your jeans, and as you made your way into the living room, you tried to hide your hands, but it was no use. They were bleeding at the knuckles, bruised and split. You held your head up high as your heels sounded, and as you came further into the living room, Tom was there, sitting on the couch, a glass of dark liquor in front of him and a cigarette hanging off his lips.

“What did I say about that?” You tried to scold him, but it came out soft and low. When Tom finally turned to look at you, his face twitched with a touch of something sinister. He eyed the cut above your brow, the split lip, the dried blood under your nose. Other than your small injuries, you were relatively untouched, but it made him feel no better.

“Sit down,” Tom said firmly.

“Tom—”

“Don’t say another bloody word,” Tom snapped. “Sit down.”

You shook your head, “I’m not. You’re going to yell at me. You’re going to tell me that I’m stupid, that I’m careless, that I’m—”

“Oh, really?” Tom stood up, coming towards you, “and why do you think that is, y/n? Who else is going to tell you how things are? Who the fuck else is going to tell you how bloody stupid you are?! How reckless you are?! How you must have your head so far up your own arse that you didn’t even bother to ask for any backup?!”

You had not seen this Tom Holland in a long while. In fact, you had not seen this Tom Holland since you had met him. The one with unhinged and limitless anger, the one that broke glass and severed heads with nothing but his glare. The Tom Holland others were afraid of, and the Tom Holland you had tamed.

I suppose tamed until now.

“I know what I did!” You shot back. “I know what I fucking did, I don’t need you to tell me how it is, I already know how it is!”

“Clearly you—fucking don’t!” He grabbed your chin, forcing you closer to him, and you glared up at him as he held you roughly, making you look right into his eyes.

“If you’re looking for an apology, you won’t be getting it,” you spit at him, your voice a growl. “I’m not sorry. I don’t regret anything. If I had the chance, I would do it all…over…again.”

Tom let out a bitter laugh, his hand falling until he had you by the throat. You were staring each other down, both eyes dark and blown wide with that familiar rage. Tom thought that you had never been more of a Holland than this moment. Reckless, clouded with fury, willing and guilty of doing the most impulsive, dangerous things. You had never been more of a reflection of him than you were now. You were terrifyingly beautiful.

He was shaking. You were dizzy from being hit and thrown and grabbed, but you never faltered in your ability to get things done. No matter how many men he sent your way, they laid in a trail behind you, groaning, unconscious, laying in heaps of their own blood as they failed to get back up again. You had a crazed, starlight reflection in those brilliant eyes of yours, and you held Tom’s gun up in front of you, finger on the trigger.

“You,” you breathed, swallowing the blood in your mouth. You wiped the blood that was coming down your nose on the sleeve of your leather jacket, shaking your head. “Do you fucking recognize me?”

“Yes—” He held his hands up, cowering. “Yes, fuck…yes…”

“You’ve been watching me. Like a coward, in the shadows,” you laughed bitterly, stepping over one of his men that was on the floor in front of you. “You don’t look so happy to see me, though.”

“You’ve got a bloody gun in my face.”

“You’re lucky that’s all I’ve got,” you growled, glaring at him. “You’ve been threatening Tom. My Tom. Tell me why.”

“This is between us,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re just…collateral damage.”

“Well, collateral damage came back and bit you in the ass, so start talking, or I’ll make sure you never forget today,” you lowered the gun, pointing it at his knee. “Start fucking talking.”

He glanced between you and the gun, and when he made a move, you pulled the trigger, this time aimed at his thigh. You were careful with where you shot him, nothing but flesh and ensuring the bullet went through and through, and then you moved the gun back to his kneecap.

“I won’t ask again,” you said softly, kneeling down to his level as he cried out in pain in his chair, holding onto his leg. His face was reddening, his whole body shivering, and you tilted your head to the side. “Tell me why you’re after Tom.”

“He—gah!” He let out a few coughs, holding his hands over the wound to stop the bleeding. “He can’t just come back and take back this bloody city. He left to play kingpin in New York, and there’s no more room in London for—God!” He shook his head, “there’s no more room for Hollands here. You can’t leave for years and expect everything to be handed back to you. Even you understand that, don’t you?”

Your nose twitched a bit. You did understand; but it didn’t matter. He was your Tommy, and you couldn’t just let people threaten him. They could threaten you all they wanted, but not him. You swiped a pen off the table, clicking it open before shoving it into the bullet wound, grabbing him by the neck and forcing him facedown into the desk. His screams did not deter you; they only encouraged you.

“If you come after us ever again, I’ll find you all over again,” you whispered in his ear. “And I’ll make sure London forgets your name ever fucking existed. Do you understand me?”

“Yes—yes! Yes…yes, God, please…please…yes…”

“You’ll bend the knee,” you murmured, forcing him to look at you. “You’ll look Tom Holland in the eyes, apologize, and be grateful that he’s allowed you to keep your head for this long after all of the trouble you caused. You’ll bend the knee to him, you’ll pay your dues, and you’ll warn anyone else in London that if they don’t do the same, I’ll pay them a visit, too. But I will not be giving out warnings anymore.”

He had tears in his eyes. He was afraid of you. You pulled his head back and slammed it against the desk, watching his eyes flutter shut as you knocked him unconscious. You fished into his suit jacket, finding his cell phone, and you dialed the first number you saw, tossing it onto the desk with a thud. You wanted him to be alive. How else would he tell others what happened today?

You glanced between Tom’s eyes and his lips, your body relaxing a bit as you stared at him. You loved him with every fiber of your being. You loved him endlessly, desperately, completely, and you would do it all over again just to protect him. You were not sorry about what you had done, not even a little bit. They had threatened your Tommy, made him feel small and powerless and at war, and you remember all too well what that felt like.

“I’m not sorry,” you said again, softer this time. “They wanted to hurt you, Tommy. Yell at me all you want. It won’t change my mind. They deserved it, and I hope they’re afraid of me now. I hope they think twice before threatening you, I hope that they are scared of what we’ll do to them if they don’t fall in line.” Your eyes watered a bit, and you sucked in a shaky breath. “You are mine, and I will do it again and again until people stop trying to touch what’s mine.”

Tom was breathless. That anger inside of him had faded, nothing but a deep lull in his chest as he realized how undeniably his you were. You were fearless when it came to things that you loved, and he was nothing but breathless listening to you speak. You lit a warm fire in his heart, and suddenly he understood you completely. Tom had been prepared to do just the same as soon as he discovered who was threatening you; he had been prepared to scream, to fight, to hurt anyone that tried to come close to you. Of course you had gotten to them first. You were brilliant in more ways than one, and Tom was foolish to think he could finish jobs without your help. He simply couldn’t.

Tom was silent as he pushed you backwards, his hand squeezing the expanse of your throat as he shoved you back into the wall, his eyes on your lips as he stared down at you. His eyes traveled back up your face, meeting your own, and you reached over, grabbing both sides of his face firmly and pulling him close, close enough that his forehead rested against yours.

“The things I would do for you, Tom…” You whispered against his lips. “I’m afraid of it.” Your voice faltered for a moment, and his breath was so warm against your lips, his chest rising and falling. “I’m afraid of how far I’ll go. B-Because the truth is Tom…” He loosened his grip on your throat, his hand sliding to the back of your neck. “I’ll let the whole…I-I would let the whole fucking world burn if it meant you would be alright.”

“You’re so selfish,” Tom muttered, shaking his head, but his entire body was warm. He was grounded here, right in front of you, and the only thing he could truly focus on was the way you were licking those luscious lips of yours and how gorgeous you looked as you let your jacket drop onto the floor. He pushed the straps of your camisole down your shoulder, running a thumb along the bare skin there, and he grunted a bit as he pushed you back into the wall again. “You’re so fucking selfish, y/n.”

“Maybe,” you shrugged, your eyes calm. It didn’t faze you, it didn’t bother you, not even a little bit. “But you’re alive. I don’t much care for anything else.”

Something about the tone of your voice was so ominous. Tom could see in your eyes that you meant every word, and the thought that you would let everything fall to chaos for him put you in a dark light. You were dangerous, in love, but Tom was not easily deterred.

No, he was not deterred. In fact, there was something stirring inside of him at the thought of you burning the world for him.

“You don’t mean that, love,” Tom licked his lips, his thumb finding your bottom lip. He touched where your lip had split, and you took his thumb into your mouth, sucking on it for a moment. The intense stare between you remained, and neither of you dared to look away from one another. “You and I both know that you care about other people. Not just me.”

You blinked, “I meant what I said,” you said softly. Your words echoed in his ear.

She is afraid of how far she will go for me.

You shoved his chest harshly suddenly, backing him up until his knees hit the couch, and he was forced to sit. You fell into his lap, gripping his chin tight, and you made him look at you as you brought the camisole up and over your head until you were sitting in your jeans and nothing else in front of him. Tom kept his eyes level with your own, and you smirked down at him, as if daring him to look at you.

You took his hands, sliding up the expanse of your thighs until they rested over your hips. His fingers played with the belt loops of your jeans before he was unbuttoning them, shimmying them down your legs until you were in nothing but lace underwear. You tossed the gun onto the floor, and before Tom could take control, you used your weight to push him onto his back, shoving him into the pillows as you sat up on top of him.

You leaned down, gripping the collar of his dress shirt tightly, and Tom swallowed hard as you laid a soft, supple kiss under his ear.

“You’re mine,” you whispered in his ear. “I made men bleed for you, Tommy. I made them scream…and cry…and beg. I made them promise they would bow to you. I made men cower in your name, and I made them pray on the Good Lord that you would deliver them mercy.” You giggled darkly, making him shiver. He was drunk on the intoxication of you, and every word was bliss. “No one touches my Tommy,” you cooed, slipping your hands into the waistband of his trousers, humming as you wrapped your hand around his throbbing length. “No one but me.”

“Fuck—” He choked out, leaning his head back. He was breathing hard now, panting. Your words had him absolutely breathless. There was not a woman in the world that could ever match your fire. “You still can’t do this shit, y/n. You still can’t do things without telling me, you still can’t—”

“Shut up,” you breathed against his lips. “I did what I had to.” You used both hands and unzipped his pants, shoving them down his legs, and Tom flipped you both over, towering over you, forcing you back into the cushions. You grunted a bit, but he held you down.

“We’re supposed to be in this together,” he growled, and you pushed on his chest, forcing him backwards, and you both stared at each other menacingly.

“Exactly,” you breathed. “But clearly you don’t trust me. We aren’t supposed to have any secrets, Tom. And then I find out you’re doing this?” You reached down and started to gather your clothes harshly, “maybe if you had just told me what was going on, I could’ve fucking helped you. But as usual, you underestimate me.”

“I’m not underestimating you,” Tom argued, picking up his shirt. He followed you upstairs, into the bedroom, where he slammed the door shut harshly. “I’m trying to protect you.”

“God, dammit, Tom, when are you going to understand that I don’t need you to protect me?!” You snapped, turning and throwing your jacket at him. “When are you going to see that I am not as delicate and breakable as you think I am?! How long have I been doing this on my own, Tom? How long? Why can’t you just…trust me?”

“I do, I do!”

You sat on the bed, tossing your clothes onto the floor. Tom shook his dress shirt out before wrapping it around your bare torso, kneeling in front of you so he could meet your eyes.

“I do trust you, love,” he promised, gentler this time. “I’m sorry if it doesn’t appear like I do, but I do. I do trust you. But the truth is, I’m…I’m ashamed.”

“Ashamed?”

“I thought we’d run the bloody world here,” he murmured, finding your hands, squeezing them tight. “But every fucking day brings a new roadblock. Some arse running the east end, another deal gone to pot…I feel so out of control here, and that isn’t what I wanted for us. I was so…Hell, I was excited to bring you here, to show you what I’ve built, but I’ve got nothing, darling. Nothing. Nothing but threats, empty promises, and problem after problem that somehow you keep cleaning up, and I…”

You put a hand on his cheek, smiling a bit. You leaned down and kissed his forehead, shaking your head.

“Tom…you’re ridiculous,” you laughed. “If everything was perfect, I would be absolutely bored.”

He sighed, a bit annoyed, and your hands found his shoulders, rubbing them soothingly.

“Tom, you should know me by now,” you brought your left hand back, wiggling your fingers where your sparkling wedding rings sat. Tom leaned down to kiss your knuckles there gently. “I adore chaos. It makes things exciting, don’t you think? What’s more exciting then coming back and showing them that London belongs to the Hollands, hmm?”

Tom shook his head, “y/n…”

“Tom, you know better than I that this business doesn’t run like a Fortune 500,” you rolled your eyes. “It keeps us on our toes. But that’s why we do this. Because fuck, Tom, nothing makes me happier than seeing men bow to me…to you,” you teased, bringing his head up by his chin. “They think they run the world here. Don’t you think it’s a little fun making them learn their place?”

Tom pursed his lips, and you leaned down to kiss them, parting them with your tongue. You kissed tenderly, your fingers going into his curls, and you pulled away slowly, humming against his cheek.

“Promise me, Tommy,” you whispered. “Promise me no more secrets.”

Tom rubbed along your bare thighs, nodding in response, leaning his head up as he chased your lips. He kissed you warmly, slowly, his hands sliding up your thighs as he took your hips into his hands and pulled you close.

“It’s fun,” you purred, sliding his shirt off your shoulders, tossing it aside. “Admit it, Tom. It’s fun making them feel afraid…small…” You grabbed onto the back of his neck and forced him to crawl on top of you as you backed up on the bed. “…unimportant. Admit it. Admit that it’s fun,” you giggled between kisses, using your other hand to shove his trousers off of him completely. You gasped a bit as he took a hold of your throat, pulling you up to sit against the headboard. He finally smiled, darkly, sucking on your bottom lip as you felt your whole body grow in warmth.

“Hmm…” He chuckled. “Aye, ‘s fun. But not nearly as fun as commanding you, sweetheart.”

“You can’t command me,” you grinned, but then he squeezed your throat tighter, and you drew your thighs together. Before you could close them all the way, Tom forced his knee between your legs, shaking his head.

“Nuh uh,” he tsked, meeting your eyes. “Spread them, y/n. I won’t ask again.”

You giggled, kissing him lightly, “and what if I don’t?”

“Oi, love,” he pressed his thumb against the base of your throat, his rough fingers drawing gasps of breath out of you. “Don’t test me, yeah? Do as I say. Spread your legs.”

“Say please.”

Tom’s eyes darkened, “I won’t ask again.”

“Try me—ah!”

Tom grabbed onto your hips and yanked you back down onto your back. He caught your hands, pinning them above you, against the pillows, and you gasped into his mouth as he kissed you hotly. You wound your leg around his waist, flipping the both of you over, and you intertwined your fingers, laughing against his lips at his bewildered expression.

“Are you trying to be in control, Tommy?” You cooed, sitting up on his hips. “Cute. You’re so cute when you think you can overpower me, you know that?”

Tom scrunched his nose a bit, his chest hot, and he brought his hand down and grabbed a handful of your ass, bringing you down on top of him to kiss again, his other hand wrapping into your hair. You let out a soft whine into his mouth as his fingers slowly made their way between your thighs, teasing you lovingly.

“You know I only allow you have the upper hand, yeah?” He hummed between kisses, and you smiled brightly. You knew he did. You and Tom had countless nights together since you had been married. Nearly all of them involved you underneath him, in whatever position he liked, letting him coax you into the most blissful orgasms of your entire life. There was just something about letting Tom Holland be in his element in the bedroom that made you absolutely weak in the knees, and you would never get over the way he could make you feel, which was ethereal and otherworldly.

There was also just something about allowing yourself to not think. You thought always. Your head was always running a million miles a minute, but here in your bedroom, you could be alone with just him. You could let Tom take control, and he would, because you needed him to. His voice would whisper praise in your ear, and you could just relax, because you trusted him like this, naked, bare, under him. You trusted him with every part of you, even the intimate parts, and he never faltered, not even once.

You came apart every single time.

“Open,” Tom muttered, and you relaxed in his arms. Despite being on top of him, Tom was in charge, and he had given you a command, and you obliged without question, your eyelids fluttering as you parted your lips for him. Tom slid his hand up your body, fitting two fingers into your mouth, and you hummed as you tasted yourself on his fingertips. Your eyes closed as you sucked on his fingers, and Tom let out a deep sigh as he watched you.

“My pretty, pretty girl,” he murmured, and you opened your eyes at that, letting his fingers go gently, kissing them softly. “You’re just bloody gorgeous, aren’t you?”

Your eyes sparkled at that, hearing his soft voice love you like it always did, and Tom adored the way your body sunk down into his. Your tense upper body relaxed, and the way the palm of his hand was against your cheek had you nuzzling into him, closing your eyes again as you breathed deep breaths.

“You are,” Tom sighed, licking his lips. “You’re beautiful, y/n. You’re my beautiful, precious angel—” You winced a bit as his fingers touched the gash on your forehead, brushed against the yellowing bruise around your eye, “and if you die, I die.”

You opened your eyes, meeting his dark gaze, and you swallowed a bit as you looked at him. The lust died for a moment, replaced with something deeper, and you could see how genuine he was being.

If you die, I die.

You nodded once, just barely, and Tom brought you close to kiss you, soft this time, just barely touching his lips to yours.

“If you die, I die,” you echoed, and Tom nodded, hand around the back of your neck as he rolled over, getting between your legs, practically ripping your underwear off your legs.

“Fuck, I can’t take this,” he said, mostly to himself. “Make room for me, love, I’m starved, yeah?”

Your eyes rolled back in your head. He sounded so nonchalant, as if eating you out was a normality. You watched as he dipped his head to meet the skin of your neck, kisses you there, letting his mouth carry him further down, until he was sucking a taut nipple into his mouth and pushing your legs open as far as they could go. The sounds leaving your mouth only made him more eager, and he didn’t stop smirking as he tugged your panties down your legs roughly, tossing them behind himself. You think your heard them rip, tear maybe, but you couldn’t be bothered. Your husband was hooking your legs over his broad shoulders, and all you could think about was having Tom Holland’s lips buried between your legs as far as they could go.

And he did just that.

Tom liked to make you scream. He knew just how, he had learned your body so well. He knew what every twitch and movement meant, what every gasp and moan to leave your mouth signaled. He had learned what could make you tip over the edge in seconds, and he had learned how to get you right to the edge and bring you back down again. Tom prided himself in knowing your most intimate parts, memorizing your quirks, and eating his wife out was no different. He knew exactly what you wanted.

Your back arched as he kissed sloppily around your throbbing clit. He smiled to himself as he slid a hand down your quivering thigh, teasing your folds as he softly lapped at your clit. Your eyes rolled back in your head as Tom made it his mission to draw shapes against your bud. He loved spelling out his name with his tongue so slowly, and he always waited to see your reaction when the tip of his wet muscle would draw that aching, wonderful O, and he groaned when he noticed how you whined at that, bringing your hands up to fondle your breasts as he slid two slender fingers inside of you.

Tom closed his eyes for a moment as he heard you cry out with delight, “there’s my girl,” he murmured. “Sound so good, love…let me hear you, you know how much I fancy your voice, yeah?”

You nodded desperately, your body hot all over as Tom stretched you out wonderfully with his fingers, slowly moving them so he could find that special spot inside of you and rub it gently with the tips of his fingers, curling them every once in a while to draw out a loud moan from your sweet lips. Tom suddenly couldn’t believe you were his; completely, utterly, eternally his.

“Fuck, my wife is so beautiful,” he breathed, kissing the inside of your thigh as he worked his fingers. “Aren’t you, dove? Aren’t you beautiful? ‘specially when you come…you’re so bloody gorgeous when you wet my fingers, baby.”

“God, Tom!” You whimpered, and he laughed heartily, a smirk on his lips as he kissed along your thigh again.

“You’re mine forever,” he mumbled, grunting as he picked up the pace of his fingers. “No one else is going to fuck this pretty pussy except for me, darling. No other bloke on this fucking earth is ever going to know how perfect your cunt is. It’s mine,” he leaned down and wrapped his lips around your clit, sucking warmly.

“Tom—”

“And you’re going to give me heirs,” Tom growled. “Aren’t you, y/n? You’re going to give me beautiful, perfect heirs…”

You choked on the moan coming out. You saw stars, your vision turning white as you came over his fingers, his lips still on you as he kissed your thighs lovingly, guiding you through your orgasm.

“That’s it, princess.”

“Fuck, you’re soaking my fingers…”

“So sweet…you taste divine…”

You sat up after a few minutes, getting up onto your elbows. You looked down at him, trying to ignore how attractive it was to watch Tom suck on his fingers slowly, licking them clean. You swallowed hard.

“Tom—”

“Mmm,” he hummed, interrupting you. “You liked that, huh, love?”

You pursed your lips, staying quiet as Tom raised himself over you, caging you between his arms. He stared down at you with dark eyes, his curls falling over his forehead, his lips wet and his cheeks flushed.

He leaned down, sucking on the skin beneath your ear, and you let out a pathetic whine as he rolled a nipple between his fingers, his wet fingers making the sensation all the more enticing.

“You like the thought…don’t you, y/n?” He whispered huskily. “You like the thought of it…” You swallowed hard as his hand traveled lowered, smoothing over your stomach, “the thought of having my baby,” you closed your eyes as he rubbed his thumb along your ribs, trailing it around your hips and back up your stomach, “you want it…don’t you?”

“D-Don’t be ridiculous, Tom, we…” You couldn’t finish. You didn’t want to sound desperate or pathetic, more than you already did, but he was right, and it was true. You were at Tom’s mercy, and the thought of being intimate with purpose had you wet all over again for him. You looked back up at him, back into his eyes, and finally you nodded silently, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and bringing him close to kiss you. “Fuck, Tommy…you make me feel so many things…sometimes I don’t even understand them.”

Tom chuckled warmly, hooking a thumb into your mouth, smirking.

“’s alright, love. You can admit it,” he winked. “You can admit you want my baby. You can admit that you want me to bury my cock inside of you, and give you everything I’ve got…” He tilted his head to the side, watching intently as you sighed and sucked on his thumb. “You can admit that you want me to fuck you senseless…and that you want to give me the heirs that I so deserve.”

Normally, a comment like that would’ve had you smacking Tom across the face. But here, underneath him, lustful eyes staring down into yours, you were submitting to him completely. The thought made you shiver, and his words were making you hot with desire. You did want it. You hated to admit it to yourself, but you did want it, and you wanted it so badly, you thought maybe, just maybe, you would even beg him for it.

For a moment, you paused. Your hand came up and caressed his cheek, and he laid his forehead against yours, so close to you. Your breath mingled, and you bit your lip hard, studying him. Tom was your family. Tom was your husband. You didn’t need any more convincing about it all; looking up at him, seeing the way he softened to your touch, put you completely at ease. You trusted Tom with your life, and this was no different.

I fall in love with him more and more every second. How is that even possible?

You shared hot, passionate kisses for a long while. Tom’s hands were squeezing your thigh and your hip, and yours were secured around his shoulders, nails digging into the skin of his back as you encouraged him to grind against your, wet folds welcoming his cock as his tip bumped against your clit every so often, making you whine into the kisses and pull on his sweaty curls. Tom was a mess above you, teasing himself now as he gripped your hips and let you coat his length with your arousal. You found yourself gasping desperately, clawing at his back, and at the feeling, Tom knew you needed him just as much as he needed you.

You kept your eyes on his as he gripped your thighs firmly, wrapping them around his waist. His lips turned up into a dark smirk, and you ran your fingers down his face as he finally pushed into you, fitting himself snugly inside of you until his hips touched yours. Your mouth fell open as he did, and you let out a sigh as he stopped, his eyes roaming over your face to gauge your reaction. You were completely relaxed in his arms, clenching tight around him, and Tom took that as his cue that you were enjoying every second of this.

“No matter how many times I fuck you,” he pressed a kiss to your neck, “you’re still so bloody tight, huh, love?”

You let out a breathy giggle, making him smile, and you felt intoxicated by his presence. Tom was so handsome, so fit, so incredibly perfect, and your head was spinning with how wonderful he felt. He wasn’t even moving yet, and you thought if he stayed still for much longer, you might just come from how sensitive you were. But he could feel that, surely, because he finally hiked your thighs up a bit more and started to move, his hips rolling against yours so slowly.

“That’s it,” he murmured, watching your head fall back, your entire body shivering with pleasure. “That’s it, m’love…fuck…you take me so well, sweetheart…God, I can’t believe you’re mine.”

“Tom,” you let out, grabbing onto his biceps. You squeezed the tense muscle under your palms, and you kissed again, shaking your head. “I can’t believe you’re mine.”

You touched his face again, and Tom thought he might lose his mind. He could feel the cool metal of your wedding ring, a stinging, beautiful reminder that you were undeniably his, and he found himself picking up the pace, cradling your head in his arms.

“Give it to me, Tommy,” you cooed in his ear.

“Yeah?” He asked, breathless, “is that what you want, kitten? You want me to give you everything I’ve bloody got, is that it?”

Your eyes fluttered as he spoke in your ear, a husky, breathy tone accentuated by his accent and punctuated by his rhythmic movements as he kept his hips steady against yours despite his chest going flush red. You nodded silently, not trusting yourself to speak, and he nibbled on the edge of your ear, humming warmly.

“You want to be full of me, darling,” he murmured. “You want to be stuffed full of me…dripping with me…you want me to fill your sweet, pretty cunt with whatever I’ve got so you can give me heirs, don’t you?”

You grabbed onto his cheeks, kissing him in response. Your throat was dry, and your body was on fire, and his words only made you spread your legs wider, and he cursed against your lips as you clenched around him at the thought.

“You do,” he chuckled darkly. “Say it, y/n.”

“Tommy—” You whined, but he grunted, slowing his hips, and you cried out in desperation, needing him to keep up his constant thrusts. “Tom!”

“Say it, love,” he ordered you, tangling a hand into your hair and tugging hard, exposing your neck for him as he sucked on the base of your throat. “Say you want me to cum. Say you want me to fill you to the fucking brim and stay there until I’m certain you’re spilling with whatever I fucking give you.”

You let out a desperate sob, clutching onto his back, digging into the tense muscles there.

“I-I want it,” you panted. “I want it so badly, Tommy, please.”

Tom had never heard you beg quite so nicely before. Tom had never heard you speak in this tone, never heard you submit so well for him. It was foreign to hear you plead, unfamiliar to see you so wrecked and submissive, but Tom thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever witnessed. You were so combative, so competitive, so authoritative in the way you carried yourself. But for him, for Tom, you were here, underneath him, begging like a good girl in his ear, and Tom thought he couldn’t love you anymore than he did now.

“Want what?”

“Baby—”

“Say it, y/n,” he growled. “Say it, or I won’t give it to you. Tell me what you want from me. Be a good fucking girl, and say what you want.”

“I want you to come!” You cried out finally, arching your back into him. He smiled as you seemed to fall apart in his arms, clawing at him, trying to get as close as possible even though you were both pressed against each other firmly. “I-I want you to come, Tommy, please…I want you to come, and I-I want…”

“Want…?”

You kissed him softly, tenderly, and Tom stilled his hips for a moment, his hands on both of your cheeks as he kissed back just as feverishly, groaning when your ankles crossed behind his back as you pulled him as close as you could, feeling the tip of his cock rub deliciously against your sweet spot.

“Want heirs, Tommy,” you breathed against him. “I want them, and I want them to be ours.”

He grinned, his eyes darting between your lips and back up to your eyes. His own eyes were dark, so dark, but they were sparkling with something beautiful. He was asking if you meant it with a smile like that, and you nodded slowly, prompting him to grip your hips firmly and start moving again, harder this time, making your whole body shake.

“So warm,” Tom muttered. “Gonna take me so nicely, aren’t you, kitten?”

“Yes, Tom,” you answered breathlessly, nodding as you wound your arms around his neck. He was close, you could tell. His eyes were screwed shut, and he was concentrating on how you felt. His body was tense, and he seemed focused, and you brought your lips close to his ear. “Come for me, Tommy. Let me feel you, please…please…” You knew he liked it when you begged. You never begged, you never pleaded, and when you did, it was only for him.

“G-ahh, shit,” Tom leaned his head back, “bloody perfect, you are…look at the way you take me, love…fuck..”

Your eyes opened wide when he reached up for you, his hand wrapping around your neck, snuggly as if it was meant to be there. You closed them again as he pressed his forehead to yours, squeezing the flesh of your throat, drawing soft whimpers from you as he fucked you harder, deeper, his skin so hot as it touched yours. Tom stuttered above you, his arm giving out just a bit, and you had tears in your eyes as he finally, finally came, filling you just as he promised, his teeth digging into your jaw as he groaned against you. The rings adorning his fingers were searing against your skin, so cold and hard, but you didn’t want him to stop touching you, not ever, not like this.

Tom never stopped, even though his body was relaxed, exhausted. He kept his hips steady against yours until he heard that signature gurgled moan leave your mouth, until he could feel you clenching so tight around him that you almost made him hard all over again.

Your eyes closed slowly, and you sighed as you felt the weight of Tom’s body gently rest on you. He buried his face into the crook of your neck, his hand leaving your neck as he rubbed down your sides, over the outside of your thighs, hooking into the back of your knees and tightening your legs around his middle.

“’m so in love with you,” he said into your ear, and you ran your fingers through his damp curls, a lazy smile coming over your face. “Fuck, I’m so in love with you, y/n.”

You caressed the back of his neck, your eyes opening again. You stared up at the ceiling with a soft, content expression on your face, and you turned your head finally and planted soft kisses on Tom’s shoulder, your fingers scratching gently over his back, soothing him.

“You do things to me, Tom,” you said finally, laughing a bit to yourself. “You do things to me, and I can’t explain them.”

He chuckled, kissing the side of your neck, “you mean the way you completely fall apart for me? How all I have to do is get you into my bed, and suddenly you’re my quiet, beautiful, sweet good girl?”

You hit his back playfully, tossing your head back as you laughed warmly, hugging him close to you.

“Shut up,” you mumbled, shaking your head. “I…” You hid yourself in his chest, holding onto him tightly. “I can’t help it, Tom…”

“I know, love,” he lifted himself up, enough that he could look down at you. “And you’re perfect.”

You both broke out into soft smiles, just staring at each other, gentle eyes looking into gentle eyes. You had done terrible things. You had hurt people today, gone behind your husband’s back, you had done things that you wished you hadn’t, things you swore you would never do. But looking up at him, running your fingers over those handsome features, you didn’t feel guilty, not even a little bit, not even at all.

There was nothing you wouldn’t do for him, and it scared you to admit it. You had said it so nonchalantly, but in truth, you terrified yourself. There was not a line you would not cross, not a life you would not take, not a soul you would not hurt. Tom Holland had you wrapped around his finger so tightly, he could break you, and you would say thank you.

Your lips parted as he kissed you, mumbling soft praise into your mouth. He was saying that he loved you, that he appreciated you, that you were his wife, that you were perfect, but there was a ringing in your ears, fear in your heart that started to choke you from the inside out.

You thought perhaps you might die trying to save him. You thought it was poetic. You thought—

“y/n, are you hearing me?”

His voice came through, and you looked up at him, blinking to focus.

“Hmm? What did you say?”

“’m sorry,” Tom repeated, cupping both of your cheeks. “I said ‘m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For…all of it,” he brushed your hair out of your eyes. “We should’ve done it together. We should’ve…”

“Yes, we should’ve,” you hummed, rolling your eyes a bit. “But we didn’t.”

“No, we didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, too,” you whispered. “For being reckless. A bit stupid.”

Sorry for being reckless, but not for what I’ve done.

He smiled, and you smiled, and you thought you saw love in his eyes. Those dark eyes, usually clouded over because of how much was on his mind, were clear and glowing, staring down at you.

“I’ll admit…I am proud of you,” Tom said softly, shaking his head. “You’re living up to your name, love. You’re a Holland at heart, you know that, yeah?”

“Oh, God, you’re rubbing off on me,” you sighed, giggling. You felt a swell of pride in your chest at the thought of Tom being proud of you. You didn’t need validation, you didn’t need his approval, but the thought that he was proud of you made you feel relieved, serene, loved. You sounded so sweet to him, laughing like that, and he adored seeing you so relaxed. You were safe, in his arms, and there was no reason for him to be anything except utterly content.

“You are mine, y/n. All mine. I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

Reckless, stupid, beautiful, it didn’t matter. Tom wouldn’t change anything.

Not then, not now, and not ever.

[curiousconch]

Chase You / Chase Me

Prologue: I've been roaming around, always looking down

Series Synopsis: Fiercely passionate for law, Gabe Ricci suddenly finds himself quickly enraptured by newly-hired senior associate Alex Keating. As both tread the lines crossing between career and romance, it leads them to a path they never travelled before. But as his past chases him in the present, Gabe and Alex are forced to finally confront what the future may hold.

Book/Pairing: Choices - Laws of Attraction / Gabe Ricci x MC (Alex Keating)

Words: 800+

Rating/Warnings: Mature (16+) / implied sexual content

Author's Notes: It's been a long time coming, but here it is! Another series for another choices book I'm currently stanning. I'm unsure how long will this be, but if you're interested, let me know if you want to be tagged on succeeding installments. If not, please reblog or comment, I'd really appreciate it!

Disclaimer: Characters except MC are original characters from Pixelberry. I am just borrowing them.

Almost Midnight, in a bedroom in New York City

Awakened by the horns of the infamous yellow taxis from the road nearby, Alex Keating rubbed her eyes from traces of the euphoric slumber she rose from.

That fireman surely knew how to set things alight.

Her thoughts got filled by the afternoon she just spent with Tyler, invoking a smirk to cross upon her lipstick-smeared mouth. With so many parts of her aching from the passionate encounter, her effort to sit up from the bed beside the sleeping stranger proved to become a struggle. She boosted herself up with her elbows, and she eventually climbed out and picked up the mess of clothes that scattered on the floor. Zipping her red dress, she picked up her heels and quietly led herself out of the apartment, not feeling an ounce of regret from leaving the guy without even a kiss goodbye.

Perhaps practice made her routine perfect. Good thing her reputation as a fierce lawyer superseded her similar "conquests" back in her hometown. And with a city as big as New York, her playground just got bigger.

Stepping into the hallway of the apartment building, she immediately slipped her shoes on and took the elevator straight down, exiting the building without looking back. The city dwellers that passed her by were none the wiser, not giving any care from her less-than-polished appearance.

She brushed her fingers through her pixie cut as she attempted to map out the right direction towards her own condo, taking a quick glance of her brunette hair on the wide window of a shop she just passed by. The soles of her black pumps clicked against the concrete pavement, the sky a shade of gray as the lights of the sprawling buildings illuminated the city above her head.

It's just been a few days, and she's beginning to love this city. She wondered why she didn't bring herself here much earlier.

As she contemplated, she pulled out her phone and checked her messages. In one of her notifications, she saw his name. And instantly, a prickle of regret rose from within her like poison. She halted her steps, confusion rendering her stuck. With a frown wrinkling her brows, she looked back on her screen, trying to make sense of the sensations taking over.

Gabe Ricci.

Shaking her head, she blew a long breath. She never backed down from flirtations, she loved it. The smooth talking, the pseudo-romance - it was a her own brand of stress relief. Being a lawyer is not an easy job after all. But the strange feelings she was having right now for this particularly attractive man definitely was new to her. She didn't know what to make of it - yet.

Alex Keating was all for the chase. Relentless as she is, she'll definitely bring herself to the end of it, regardless of the outcome. What's a chase without a thrill, right?

I'll definitely see how this pans out. Burying the last of her thoughts of her boss, she finally found the glass door of her own complex. She went inside, dismissing the brewing emotions as she did.

***

At a nearby Penthouse

Half-naked, he downed the remaining scotch from the second shot he just poured for himself. Leaning forward as he set down the thick glass on the marble top, Gabe's tousled hair wet from a quick shower.

His eyes darted to his door, which was ajar from the hasty exit of an attractive blonde whom he met earlier from the bar. He didn't intend to get laid tonight, but alcohol just couldn't drown the itch that a certain senior associate has ignited in him.

Ever since she walked his office at McGraw Byrne, he became enraptured with her. And for the first time since he switched to corporate, he invited this attractive new hire for coffee and made excuse after excuse to be involved with her more. His rationality wants to leave him every time he was around her.

For Gabriel Ricci, this wasn't normal. He was never this infatuated. Groaning, he rubbed a hand on his temples, hoping to quell the distracting thoughts.

He made himself think of his senior partnership. All of the years of hard work has finally came into a fruition. Every effort he made was paying off. And he wanted to revel in it, he really did. Because for the first time, as a senior partner, he has full control on how much pro bono cases he could take. He can make more difference in the justice system . The same system that years before, almost killed his own passion for law.

At last, he can make it up to Rob. A pang of guilt quickly engulfed him at the thought of his lost brother. It took so much of him to swallow it back into the depths of his mind.

But the thought of Alex once again made it difficult to keep his head straight.

So Gabe poured himself another glass, hoping that the strength of the brown liquid was enough to extinguish any of his lingering desire to become someone more in her life.

Yet he knew, deep down, he would never be able to shake it off.

Tags: @choicesficwriterscreations

[korissideblog]

soooo alot of people really liked my Takao Talking ideas, so i decided to make a fake little fan transcript <3

this is really really short, but it's my first time really going into philosophy without a prompt, so maybe I'll get better as time goes on <3

{hiya!!! I’m @spaceACE✩! (=^-ω-^=)~ }

{I luv luv luv Takao Talking!!! And while Taka has CCs on his videos, I just thought it would be fun to do a transcript for some of my fav videos!!! (=´∇｀=)~ }

{soooo here it is!!! ฅ/ᐠ ‧̫‧ ᐟ\ฅ please like, comment, and enjoy!!!!

(๑✪ᆺ✪๑)~ }

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

aki put my camera up really high and now i have to turn it on and off with a broom handle. let’s talk about optimism in the bad times.

[Takao looks directly up at the camera, the camera being at a very very high angle. Takao is a fit, tallish person with lightly tanned skin, curly brown hair, and shiny yellow eyes. He has two sets of horns, one set that holds closely to his skull and goes up at the very end, and another set that does straight out, again going up at the very end. She is wearing a simple black choker, an oversized white t-shirt that says “Of Course I Cum Fast; I Have Fish To Catch!” With an outline of a bass jumping out of a body of water on it, and black biker shorts, as well as black slides. He is holding a broom in his right hand.]

Takao: Ah, alright. I think it’s on now.

Takao: so! I was supposed to be posting a video that had my buddy Aki in it, but apparently someone was “being a nuisance” and someone else would “rather look at me than a camera lens” or whatever.

Takao: he was just being pissy and he put my camera up really high. And hey, that was cool when we were hanging out, sure. We made lunch together and ate it. It was a fun time all around. Problems arise when he leaves my place, and “forgets” to give me my camera back. I have to turn it on and off with this. [Takao swings the broom around a bit]

Takao: So if this video goes out, it means I’ve either grown a few inches, or I’ve invested in a step ladder. Both of these events are equally possible.

Takao: And if this video doesn’t go out, then you know what happened. Except that you don’t know, because this video obviously won’t be out. You guys are smart. Out of all my friends, I’m sure you could guess which one would fuck up my recordings.

Takao: anywho! Since I'm here, forced to keep my chin up, let’s talk about optimism in the bad times.

[Takao drags a settee into frame with a great amount of struggle. Cut to him carrying a small end table over and putting it next to the settee. Cut to him placing a plate of sliced apples on the table, as well as a glass of (sparkling?) water]

Takao: [lounging across the settee] it was Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz who believed that we live in the best of all possible worlds. He based most of his ideas off of the assumed existence of capital ‘g’ God, so that isn’t exactly the most popular idea about optimism that’s currently going around, but it’s what I'm gonna use for today’s video.

Takao: If we live in the best of all possible worlds, how can one explain the mass suffering that we face? One could possibly say that without knowing suffering we wouldn’t know joy, I personally agree with that, but one could also say that suffering is a consequence of the joy that we have. If there is no joy without suffering, then there is no suffering without joy.

Takao: I’ve personally gone through suffering, in many parts of my life, but I’ve also experienced joy. And given the ability to start it all over again, i think i would still suffer unnecessarily in order to be joyful unnecessarily.

Takao: But optimism in the bad times is different. It’s going through suffering and somehow finding something to appreciate, it’s, cutting your finger with a knife, but being alright with it because you can wear your buddy’s merch now. [Takao holds up his hand, and on it is a bandage. It’s a bit blurry, but it looks similar to merchandise that is currently out for pro hero Smokestack]

Takao: it’s not finding joy in suffering, that’s masochism, it’s joy in spite of suffering.

Takao: But I'm sure all of us know how hard it can be to find joy while suffering, so we kinda can skip over that part sometimes. I didn’t find joy in the fact that I could see my reflection in the knife that cut me, but I did find joy in the healing aspect. My suffering was mostly over by the time I got the bandage, but I still put it on because I needed something good to come out of the experience. I was working on healing myself, and that’s where I found joy. [Takao takes one of the apple slices and eats it. She lifts the glass of water, but pauses before he drinks it]

Takao: and hey, I wouldn’t have had the same joy if this bandage wasn’t my buddy’s merch. Maybe I wouldn’t have even put it on! Maybe there’s a timeline where I never met Jetsam, but I still got the same cut, and it got infected and I lost my finger. [Takao takes a sip of the water, and puts it back down] Obviously this is an exaggerated example, but you get my point. There’s a timeline where I didn’t make the friends I have today, and I suffered more because of it.

Takao: It’s hard being your own therapist. [Jiji, an old black cat, walks into frame] That’s why your therapist exists. Humans are social creatures, and will always suffer from loneliness. [Jiji paces in front of the settee till Takao picks him up and puts him on her lap] no matter how uncomfortable it can make us, we need other people. Other people may not be able to stop our suffering, but they can help us get through it, and help us heal afterwards.

Takao: [looking into the lens of the camera] I originally made this channel when I was… you know I was kinda messed up

Takao: Real sick in the head.

Takao: But you know what?

Takao: Van Gogh painted the Starry Night while in drug rehab

Takao: So maybe I’m onto something here

Takao: Maybe good things don’t come from bad things,

Takao: …

Takao; Maybe good things come from healing after bad things.

[The frame fades to black]

[A quick cut back to Takao as he holds the broom, trying and failing to reach the camera without standing up from his settee]

[A quick and startling cut to Takao’s feet as she quickly walks to another room]

[Takao is now wearing different shoes, black boots, and is closing her front door. The dull click of her boots is heard softly]

[Cut to more walking, this time down a sidewalk. The click of his boots more pronounced now]

[Takao’s feet sway side to side as he sits on a subway]

[Takao records a woman in a tight pink dress. The woman is attractive, tall and blonde, but the camera is focused on her bag, large and a matching shade of pink. Out of the bag pops out a tan chihuahua with a pink spiked collar. The subway speaker talks indistinctly]

[More walking down a sidewalk, but at a quickened pace]

[Takao points the camera at a mirror in an elevator, his head is not shown, posing cutely with her leg up and a peace sign]

[More walking down a hallway as Takao finds a door]

[Takao flips through a strangely large ring of keys. Once he finds one with ‘BC’ crudely carved into it, she sticks it into the lock and turns it]

[He opens the door and walks into a living room. A man sitting on a couch looks up. This man is Aki Hiroharu. Hiroharu seems to be watching the news while eating something out of a bowl. Hiroharu looks shocked to see Takao, and may be about to speak, but immediately stops as he goes to cover his face with his arm]

[The camera shakes as Takao throws a step ladder at Hiroharu]

Takao: BITCH ASS-

[There’s a short few shots of the two fighting, clearly playfully, but neither seem willing to lose]

[Someone puts the camera down gently, walking back to the couch and resting their legs onto the open stepladder. The person is a fusion of Haruhiro and Takao, commonly known as Akito by fans. Akito continues to eat as they watch the news.]

[End]

[deancodedcastielenby]

It started out with a XX

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I am putting Tags first so I don’t forget like the horrible trash panda I am: @casmick-consequences , @proudcasgirl , & @paintdriesfaster You have asked to be tagged, or for Casmick you are the reason this is here. The Date Continues  This is 100% unbeta’d and I am litterally on my work computer writing in between phone calls so. I apologize for any spelling errors or punctuation since I am a trash panda. XX love you all, enjoy

Castiel is under the impression that Mick Davies is an interesting human. The man seems charmed by many of the words that Castiel uses, and has no problems showing his obvious interest. There have been other humans in his time in this vessel that have shown a reaction to his person, and now that this body is his and no longer Jimmy’s it is an interesting notion that he would be coveted carnally from anyone. Still, Mick is interesting and the conversation that he engages in with Castiel over a shared dinner have kept Castiel enthralled at least. The dinner was odd, it still tasted like molecules, but Mick made a point to have him try a bite or two of everything and explain how he found the flavors. 

The white sauce on the noodles, for example, Castiel knew was called Alfredo sauce, but Mick described it much better before he had Castiel try a bite off his fork. There was flavor that he hadn’t expected, on top of the molecules, but perhaps being described before eating was the difference. No one had ever thought to try that before. The breaded mushrooms were an odd texture that Castiel was not sure that he liked, but Mick did say that sometimes the dipping sauces made them better, and the sweet dessert was delicious, and tasted faintly of coffee. That was a beverage he missed from being human. 

As far as humans go, Mick was charming and rather handsome, though at this point Castiel realized he had a type. Claire had pointed it out when he described Mick to her before the date. His eyes may not be the right shade of green that he prefers, but they are quite beautiful none the less. In fairness Mick had also dressed up for the occasion and was wearing an outfit similar to his own, though he was wearing brown. That was a brown slacks and waistcoat over a light blue shirt and a matching brown blazer. The overall effect was very charming, and very appealing. Castiel had on occasion browsed through different magazines and had seen similar outfits on different models, so he assumed it was a fashion thing, but Mick was able to pull it off nicely.  Of course there was a few glasses of wine with dinner, and Castiel was able to sip them carefully during conversation. It was true he had a rather high tolerance for alcohol, so it wasn’t that he needed to, but he had tried to keep pace with Mick to make sure that he blended in. Over all Castiel would say that the date was a success. Many times throughout the conversation he was able to pick up on the different flirtations that Mick was sending his way, and apparently he was sending back. Once or twice he was able to say something that made Mick laugh loudly and give him a wide smile that made his face mirror one in return. To say that dinner was pleasant would be an understatement.  After dinner Mick asked if he would like to take a walk and continue their conversation. It was getting darker outside, but still there was plenty of light with the street lamps and there was such a quaint little park they could walk around. It was simple to agree, and so they left hand in hand after Mick paid for their meal. “I insist Castiel, honestly it was mostly my meal anyway.” That was another strange feeling, being hand in hand with Mick. There was a brief moment where he remembered Daphne, she would hold his hand sometimes when they were out and about, but he never had this strange intimacy with another person after his memories came back. The hand in his own was not a dainty one, it was on the larger side with blunt fingers and the cool metal of a ring on his pinky finger. Over all he experience was new.  At one point Mick had released his hand, and of course Castiel frowned when he missed it immediately, only to have him slip Castiel’s hand in the crook of his elbow and seemingly step closer. “I am honestly surprised that you came out with me this evening.” They were on their second loop of the small park, their gait was slow and measured to eat up more time. Almost as if neither one was quite ready for the evening to end. “It seemed as though you were very much in the Winchester’s pockets and that they did not like me very much.”  “They do have a negative disposition to the British Men of Letters, Arthur Ketch left a rather bad taste in their mouths and I do not blame them for that, however they are not my keepers and I am free to make opinions on other humans.” Ever the peace keeper, or so it seemed, Castiel tried for a neutral ground. That was until Mick barked out a bit of a laugh. 

“I would suppose so, though not all of us Brits are quite like Ketch. I am hoping you would have a better opinion of me after our date. Perhaps I should inquire as to another?” It seemed the man was looking at Castiel out of the corner of his eye, which was odd, but it only took a moment to realize that he was asking Castiel out on another outing. This was courting wasn’t it? The odd human custom? 

“I would not be against another outing, though I had thought you were to return to England soon.” The words were out before Castiel could reel them back, but they were true none the less. Mick did not know that Castiel could travel to England with just a thought, so it wasn’t that the distance was a problem. Castiel would just like to know where he stood, it was so hard to gage with Dean where exactly things lay between them when Dean was in denial and never spoke. Perhaps this was Castiel’s way of making sure that whatever this was with Mick, it was different.   “I will have to return home eventually of course, but I would very much enjoy spending time with you whilst I can. Your conversation skills are spectacular, it is rather hard to have meaningful conversations about things anymore, and you are quite a sight to look at as well so that is a bonus for me.” These words were said with a smile and a pat to Castiel’s shoulder, “I am aware that our engagement here is limited, not just by time. I have eyes, I know I am not your first choice and that is fine with me, honestly. I just think that while I am here, I can show you what a relationship should be like, so that you know.” Stopping their circle of the park, they were in a bit of shadow of a corpse of trees but they could still see the stars if they were to look up. They didn’t.  “I will not take advantage of you, or your kindness. I want us to be open and honest with each other, so that when I do have to return to England, we could still walk away as friends and you can come to me with anything. Though right now, I would very much like to kiss you if you would be amenable?” The words were honest and open, much like the expression that Mick was wearing. Mick wanted a relationship, in what ever capacity that he could while he was here that could translate to a great friendship when he left, and honestly what did Castiel have to loose? The want to experience something good and meaningful after watching the one he wanted jump into bed with countless others....  “I am amenable.” The response was gruff and quiet, almost an afterthought, though Mick had heard it if the wide smile on his face was anything to go by. Oh so gently one of Mick’s hands cupped the side of Castiel’s head and guided their lips together in a sweet and soft touch. The kiss itself was chaste, but it seemed to cause an ache somewhere in the pit of Castiel’s stomach. It was genuine intimacy and affection, something he never knew he honestly needed, but with the gentle press of lips it was something that he was honestly going to crave. After a moment or two of soft pressure Mick pulled back to gage the reaction on the angel’s face.  “Well, no fireworks which is a shame, but I can live with that.” A slightly cocky smile lit the side of his mouth, “Unless you’d like another?”  “I always expected that kisses would be... more than just a press of lips.” It wasn’t that Castiel hadn’t experienced kisses, because he had on a few occasions, namely with women. Though the thought made him tilt his head slightly and squint in confusion. 

“Ah, you were expecting more passion and enthusiasm perhaps? What kind of Brit do you take me for, a savage? This is a first date after all, need to keep you on your toes and coming back for a second one.” There was something akin to mischief in Mick’s eyes before he laughed, “well I suppose one more couldn’t hurt.” With that he did pull Castiel’s head down once again to meet his lips, this time with a bit more of a firmer touch. The scrape of stubble against his skin was a bit firmer now, and he could actually feel it. After some maneuvering to fit their lips just so, a hint of a tongue pressed against the seam of the angel’s lips and he opened to the onslaught of Mick’s rather talented tongue. 

Unsure of exactly how long they stood there, in the slight shadow of the trees kissing quite like teenagers, they broke apart. A soft flush to Mick’s features made him more endearing in a way as he seemed to shiver and attempt to take a step back. It was a strange sensation feeling Mick release him, as it seemed that the hand that was not tangled into his hair had found his hip, not that he had noticed at the time. “Well now, that was... something else. Shall I return you home then Cinderella? Or is there a night in shining muscle around here somewhere waiting to whisk you away?”  “I do know how to drive.” Something about the way that Mick said the words was unsettling, though Dean did tell him to call when he was ready to be picked up. Castiel was an angel of the lord and he could take care of himself. 

“Of course you do, I never said you couldn’t. Perhaps you could walk me to my car then?” Mick gave a soft chuff and a slight bow of an apology holding out his elbow again. Castiel missed that strange closeness so he nodded and tucked his hand into the crook and walked Mick back to the restaurant and to his car. Luckily he did not see the Impala anywhere on their walk, and Castiel indulged Mick with another kiss at the car before watching him climb inside. “Do let me know when you are free for another Date.” Mick said after yet another soft press of lips before driving off and down the street.  It was a few moments before Castiel moved and headed back to the park, keeping himself invisible from any kind of eyes until he was standing where he and Mick had been only a little while before. Pulling out his phone he sent off a text to Dean, letting him know that he was not going to need a ride home, nor would he be back that evening. There was far too much for the angel to think about at that moment, and far to much for him to replay to even attempt to be near Dean right now. Instead he found himself sitting on a bench in that park, staring at the emptiness of the night, not getting a reply from Dean at all, but that was fine. The hunter had probably fallen asleep anyway, it was better for him to get the rest than worry about Castiel.  

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

14 (bodyguard AU) and 46 (blind date) sounds fun,,, your choice of ship ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

14. Bodyguard AU || 46. Blind date

Random choice generator got me creativisleep!

~

roman's a semi-popular actor- he's never really been to an awards show, and he's not been in That much, but he had a small but strong role in a real popular film and plenty of leading ones in lesser known movies. he's got enough of a following to be satisfied with himself, even if it isn't That huge of one

because of this, roman didn't take the possible dangers of his fame seriously... until he got jumped by one fan at a play in his hometown. he came out fine (he's always fine ;p) but it made him reconsider his choice to not have some sort of protection

he ends up hiring remy to be his bodyguard, a choice he Slightly starts regretting when he realizes remy, despite having excellent marks out of bodyguard school, is about as professional as a golden retriever

they take roman's food out of his fridge Whenever, borrow Way too many of his shirts (and roman hasn't seen his BMC 'boyf riends' hoodie since they got their hands on it), and is never in typical bodyguard wear (they wore a suit for the interview and never again)

but they also bring roman coffee (when did they get his regular figured out...?), talk to him like he's just a Person and not a celeb, and have yet to try and kill him themself so. roman's alright with them staying

(plus, is it so wrong if roman enjoys how they look? he deserves for a bit of an eye-candy sorta bodyguard, damnit, they're with him all the time after all)

remy's been with roman as his bodyguard for a few months when roman decides he cant just keep Lookin at a pretty person, he deserves to have a pretty person to kiss and cuddle with too!! so he pokes around for a bit, finds a non-homophobic service (he's pan, so he could Technically use a plain ol' straight service, but he refuses on gay principle), and uses it

idk how datin apps work but this one that im makin up is a blind match up app, which takes ur information and uses it to randomly pair u up with random accounts. the app keeps account info privated until After the first date has been gone on, to really maintain the 'blind match' aspect. the matched up people play a mini guessing game through the app about places they can go for a date until location and time is determined

roman likes the idea of the app mostly to keep his own identity secret as long as possible- he doesnt want people pickin his account Just bc he's a celeb, y'know?

the first couple of blind dates dont go well tho... most are nice people who roman just isn't compatible with, one was a straight woman who spent the entire date being Very homophobic despite roman's rainbow heart + pan flag pins, and someone who was clearly Too Much Of A Fan (remy had to physically pull them off of roman and help him escape the park before they could latch back on)

oh, did roman not mention? remy's been coming on all his dates with him

because of course they are! they need to protect roman! whether that's by eating dinner in the booth over or sitting two rows back at the cinema or awkwardly half-stalkin roman and his date while they walk about

so they're always there, to bring roman there and take him home, and listen when he complains about the bad matches and lament the almost-winners, and convince him he is a catch that needs to try again because eventually Someone will realize he really is too good to pass up

(remy always says that line in a weird way)

so he keeps trying... until roman has possibly the worst date ever

because he gets stood up. it's fifteen minutes past the scheduled date time, he's gotten no text explainin where they are, but he's sittin at the restaurant alone and starting to become rather upset by the pitying look the server gives him when he says he's still waitin on someone else before he orders

remy slides into the seat across from him at the 20 minute mark. shoots roman an apologetic smile that an outsider would mistake as a 'sorry im late' one when roman knows it's a 'sorry they didnt show' one

roman appreciates the gesture to save him, but he almost just wants to go home at this point. he's tired and bein stood up feels like Shit, actually, and he's about ready to call off the whole dating thing really, dramatic as that may be (like it's not his middle name)

but remy says smth about this place having really good sandwiches, and it's clear they're tryin so hard to help roman out here, even a little, and roman can't just dismiss that effort, so he picks up his menu again and orders smth and tries to ignore the way his face heats up just the slightest at the relieved smile remy flashes next

lunch with remy is great, actually, better than it would've been with whoever couldnt be bothered to show or apologize or Anything. remy even knows the way to an ice cream shop on the way home, sayin it's for roman's 'broken heart' as they pay for it

except, well... roman's heart isn't feelin so broken anymore

it's actually feeling pretty put together. really functional. functioning really fast. especially when roman's looking at remy. or when remy's lookin at roman. or when they smile. or when they laugh. or when they speak. or when they-

roman doesn't fall asleep until 2am that night, heart still racing a bit, screaming into his pillow a bit as he acknowledges he is wholly and totally head-over-heels for his bodyguard

he tells remy the next day he's done with dating for a bit, saying he's still upset over being stood up. he doesn't mention that it's also bc remy's ruined all other people for him

things try to fall back in routine from there, but it's a bit harder when roman's trying to not be so in love with someone who just works for him. and remy's definitely started pickin up on it too- they had asked him just last if he was okay, that he didn't seem as upset by remy takin his clothes anymore, and that didn't seem like him, was he getting sick?

the opposite, actually, absolutely nothing makes me feel better then seeing you walk around in my shirt or jacket or whatever else, please never stop and also kiss me?

roman just said he was tired

eventually... roman decides this can't keep going on. remy's giving him more weird looks these days, and roman is pretty sure being around remy so much without Any kisses is starting to cause brain decay (it's not, it's really not, remy always bein on his mind is just a side effect of.... pretti........). so, he takes matters into his own hands

admittedly, maybe firing remy wasn't the best way to go, given remy immediately demands to know why, what they did wrong, even asking if roman's being blackmailed into this

"blink once for yes, twice for no" remy asks, lowering the sunglasses they always have on to look directly at roman's eyes

roman doesn't blink for a full minute. he might not be breathing for that minute either. has he ever seen remy's eyes this close? has he ever seen them at all? they're such a brilliant shade of brown. roman could drown in them. he might be already

roman's pretty sure he started this conversation standing up, but maybe not, because when he finally blinks and remembers things outside of remy's eyes exist he's sitting down and remy looks extremely concerned

"okay... what's wrong, hun?" they ask, and oh no, they look so sad, and worried, and that's not good, roman should fix that right now, regardless of whatever he was doing before (he's forgotten)

"im gay" he responds intelligently. this will fix everything

remy, however, just looks confused. "yes?"

"for you" roman adds, helpfully, sure that Now remy will understand they're just really very pretty and nothing's wrong and if they feel bad still they should look in a mirror because then they'll be good again

now it's remy's turn to sit in silence, expression frozen in one of shock. they still havent put their sunglasses back on, so roman doesnt mind, bc this gives him more time to stare at remy's eyes

"you're having a breakdown because you're gay for me???" remy finally asks, expression unfreezing to look incredulous and a little hurt

roman returns a similar look. "im not having a breakdown!"

remy scoffs. "yeah, sure, right, that's why you suddenly froze and completely stopped breathing and minorly collapsed after i... look off my shades to look at you..." they suddenly break out in a smirk. "oh my gods, you're a gay disaster"

roman doesn't try to deny it, especially with the knowledge he apparently did stop breathing to admire remy's eyes. they have a point

"how long?"

"since that date you hijacked after i got stood up" roman admits. he finds it extraordinarily rude when remy starts laughing

...until they're pulling out their phone, hurriedly opening up the exact same dating app roman had been using, showing a log of all the dates they had planned- there's only one marked as having actually been attended

same date time and place of the one where roman had assumed he had been stood up

"you broke my heart!" roman says as remy puts away their phone, over-dramatically, not actually giving a damn, just feeling gay and a bit giddy at the thought remy hadnt gone to any of the other dates, just theirs

no longer worried quite as much about roman for the moment, remy's smirk just grows, smoothly moving from being crouched in front of roman to being set firmly in his lap, lazily brushing hair out of his eyes and wow was remy always this warm? and stunning? and perfect?

"i dunno babe... sounds more like i stole it" remy teases, movin from playing with roman's hair to cuppin his cheek, leaning in close and not even bothering to pretend to be looking at anything other than roman's lips. "which, yeah, bad bodyguard etiquette... i hope you can forgive me..."

roman doesn't need his words to answer that tease

[wayhavven]

Love’s Philosophy

Gift fic for @mewsly as a part of @loveinwayhaven

Pairing: Adam Du Mortain x Detective Orianna Moreau

Rating: All

Word Count: 2712

Notes: Ah! I’m so nervous to post this! I really hope I did your detective justice, she seems amazing 🥺 I went for sort of mid-romance vibes... this is also the first time I’ve written Adam, or anything TWC actually, so I have been a little worried about how he comes across as well. I really hope you enjoy😅

Summary: Adam spends some time in the library.

Adam grunts as his large fingers slip over the leather bound books on the shelf. He’s tucked away right at the back of the library in the bunker, looking for absolutely nothing in particular. If each title that flicks in his peripheral is decidedly not something else, then, well, he wouldn’t notice. And he certainly doesn’t notice the mug ring on the coffee table at the end of the row. Still wet. He can say with ninety-nine point nine percent accuracy that this is a result of a sickeningly sweet, creamer-laced coffee, probably left half full and forgotten momentarily because it’s owner had been perusing the shelves for something else about the supernatural.

And then it catches him, an old—perhaps very early edition if he remembers right—edition of Pride and Prejudice. She doesn’t know it’s here, because he’s sure she would’ve said.

But when he reaches for it, his hand stops by itself. It drags across the direction toward the dark corners, moving at speed until—plod. Something leather-bound with a worn bookmark partway through. As he gently slides it out, Adam notes the gold type font on the front: a poetry anthology. Shelley, to be specific. He knows a lot of these by heart, three-hundred odd years of people raving about the rakes and romantics will do that to a guy. All the same, he’s sure to thumb carefully to the bookmarked part. The spine squeaks as it opens, a quiet yawn where Adam is waking it from a nap. A little dust flies up and is highlighted in the strips of dim lamplight from above. He looks up briefly, checking his surroundings. Not that the detective would be able to come anywhere near him without his pheromones going off. Even if he wasn’t a vampire, he’s sure he’d recognise the sound of her footfall underwater. Because he has to know to protect her properly, of course.

The page the book has squeaked open to has one poem on it: ‘Love’s Philosophy.’

Adam, not particularly taken with poetry for the most part, doesn’t know this one. Only the very famous ones when it comes to Percy Bysshe Shelley: ‘Ozymandias,’ ‘To a Skylark,’ ‘Stanzas Written in…’

Reading for enjoyment as a rule isn’t his thing. But the little he does recall never really lit anything in him. He has never felt how he was told poetry should be making him feel. Maybe he is too worn from years spent focusing on most things aside from feeling. Absentmindedly grazing his thumb over the page, feeling each grain of the pulp on his finger tips, Adam finds his eyes wandering back to the wet mug ring on the coffee table to his right. Drying now, the sheen dulling to match the light wood. It’s nice wood, light, fresh, slightly enthusiastically holding the weight of forgotten books. Adam’s a little lost in the colour. Because it echoes in his mind a similar colour that has been the focus of many an accidental daydream.

Suddenly, he’s seeing pretty light brown eyes; caramelly, iridescent when they’re in that one chair in the office where the sun has a chance to shine on them. Lighting up when she learns new things, particularly those of his world; the supernatural world. Creasing a little in the corners when she makes the odd sarcastic quip. Dilating every so often when he’s talking to her, for reasons he isn’t sure.

One of the books on the table is leather-bound in a deep red, and Adam finds himself imprinting the image of coils of long hair that exact shade into the space he stares at. Adam actively does not enjoy that his brain wanders like this. That it seems to veer off task for silly reasons.

He shakes his head. If only he had a use for sleep. He doesn’t often find himself wishing that, but these days… perhaps more often. Perhaps he wonders what he might dream of.

But he doesn’t want to lose the control of consciousness. It keeps him in check. It keeps him able to protect the detective.

And he doesn’t want to lose control full stop. Doesn’t let himself think too deeply about any of it for fears he may push himself past retrieval.

Adam finds, as he stands there almost frozen, that his mind wanders to a day not so dissimilar to this one. When he had been reading late, against his wishes, for some information Rebecca requested.

—-

With each line he reads, Adam can feel his biceps twitching to get some combat under his belt. This is more Nate’s expertise; he’d far rather be out trying to get one up on Morgan. But, alas, he has been given other responsibilities. And he always fulfills his responsibilities. He finds himself sighing each time he turns the page, increasingly frustrated that he actually seems to be learning less.

Like a saving grace, the library door creaks open and he looks up from where he stands by the window. One hand in his pocket, one under the old book. Detective Orianna Moreau enters, a candle highlighting the high points of her soft, deep brown skin, shining in the light-hued eyes which find him almost immediately. Her silhouette casts subtle grey shadows on the wall behind her as she nears him.

He’d known she was coming, of course. He always does. But it’s always a different thing actually seeing her. Like he’s never completely convinced she’s really there.

She smiles gently at him, nearing with the candle in her grip melting down itself, flickering.

“You’re up late,” she says, placing the candle down by him on a ledge. “I thought you might need a bit of light.”

Light. Like her. Her charming, friendly, easygoing nature always lights up the room. Adam reveres it sometimes. Sometimes he doesn’t.

It makes him a little nervous, actually. And he hates feeling nervous. Hates losing himself in the light when he has to focus on work and tasks.

“Thank you.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but is acutely aware as he remains standing in his spot, that the detective goes to sit on a nearby sofa. She’s supposed to be researching too, so it’s not too odd, but humans do have to sleep, after all.

“Should you not be asleep?” He turns just enough so that he can see her from the side of his face.

“I have to learn this, and want to. There are far worse ways to be spending an evening.” She smirks at him, suggestive and amused. “Come and sit with me.”

At first, Adam was going to outright point-blank say no. So he’s not completely sure why his legs carry him over to the sofa and lower him down beside her. But far enough away that there’s significant space between them. She laughs and rolls her eyes, scooting over next to him. The small amount of her body which presses up against him sends a shock of ice up his veins. She’s warm, so warm, that he feels like his ice is melting a little. It’s almost terrifying, but Adam doesn’t move. Doesn’t show outwardly how he’s feeling. Lets his thigh burn quietly as though he’s already extinguished the flames.

The book in his hand drops to his lap, his other hand twitching on his thigh. She gives him that smile again and his heart almost stops. Settling back into the cushions, Orianna picks up the book from his hands and starts to dig into it.

“I was reading that.”

“I know, but you weren’t enjoying it.”

That she seems to know this about him, though, isn’t lost on Adam. He believes himself to be stoic and mysterious perhaps, but maybe Orianna can see past that. Through it. The way Nate always does.

She holds the book in her left hand, her right sitting on her thigh somewhat restlessly. Just inches from his own. Ensuring that she’s pouring all of her attention into the book, which she seems to be, Adam drops his eyes subtly to her hand. Unsure why, but seemingly doing things of his own accord, Adam’s impulse is to make contact with her. His pinky falters, reaching out a little by itself, quivering in a way he isn’t used to. A way he isn’t sure he likes. Nonetheless, he uses its movement to bolster the moving of the rest of his hand. Slowly, millimetre by millimetre, Adam lets his hand move away from his body. Slip across to the detective’s. He places his down on top of hers gently, encompassing it, letting his fingers and thumb curl around its shape. He doesn’t dare look at her, but he can’t miss in his peripheral the smug beaming grin which takes over her expression.

They sit like that a long while, Adam still, holding her hand. He should be frustrated that he’s not getting anything productive done, but he can’t be. Something about her hand in his means he cannot be anything other than content and a touch conflicted. The detective’s expression never falters as she reads, doesn’t worry when she has a hard time turning the page with the use of only one hand. Seems quite amused by it, actually. Adam chuckles himself a little internally, unable to stop the smile which spreads over his face. With his free hand, he reaches over and turns the page for her.

“Thanks.”

“It is my pleasure.”

When the detective repositions their hands, winding hers around and up, so that their hands are completely joined, Adam can’t help but finally look at her fully. She squeezes his hand, and looks up at him too. Their eyes bore into each other, melting.

It had all been going so well until Farah bounded in like a puppy with a new toy. Quickly, rushedly, Adam pulls his hand from the detective’s.

—-

He thinks about that day a lot. Wishes he didn’t. Wishes he didn’t think about a lot of things pertaining to the detective.

As though on cue, the fine hairs on his arm stand to attention, and his ears zone in on the sound of smart shoes on the linoleum. She’s coming back.

Forcing his eyes back down to the page, Adam has completely forgotten what he had even been looking at. ‘Love’s Philosophy,’ that’s it. Shelley.

She’s entering, though, and he can’t focus himself enough on what he’s holding to seem entirely nonchalant. Doesn’t give himself enough time to consider that it probably isn’t in his best interests for Detective Moreau to see what he’s holding. She’s bold, flirty. She’d pick up on something and make a remark that would have his cheeks hot and his jaw tightening in a way he doesn’t want it to.

Through the gap in the shelf he can just about see a fitted pencil skirt, shirt tucked in, emerging into the library. She’s holding another book, something supernatural focused that smells a little of blood and Adam isn’t sure where exactly came from.

Next thing he knows, she’s rounded the corner.

“Oh.” He hears her from the side, always debating how the next words will come from his mouth. She just seems a little surprised he’s there, is all. “Hi.”

He can hear the smile in her voice, senses how she places her book down on the coffee table he’d been so fixated on before. The title looks to be written in Haitian Creole.

“Hello. You have been busy.” He nods to the table. She grins. There’s always a sparkle in her eyes when she’s learning new things; especially new things about the world which only opened up to her not so long ago.

“Always have to know more, you know me.”

He does. Knows her scent, the exact amount of time which passes between each step she takes, how she shines like the sun whenever something otherworldly occurs. Knows she would be interested to know about the early edition of Jane Austen he completely accidentally came across. Knows that a large part of him wishes he didn’t know these things.

“What are you reading?” she asks, the tone of her voice something Adam hadn’t even realised he’d been yearning to hear.

“I am not. I picked it up. I will be putting it back now,” he nods, hesitating at the sight of the page. His eyes drag over the words subconsciously: heaven, sweet emotion, sunlight, moonbeams, kiss.

Things which are meant to be pretty and emotive and only seem to be making him think of the one thing he doesn’t really want to think of.

How maybe he doesn’t believe in heaven, but that it might be something close to her eyes when she smiles. Or how sweet emotion is something that Adam doesn’t feel like he can achieve, but if he were to, maybe it would be because of her. The sunlight which shines on her in her office, which highlights her features and matches her personality. Moonbeams… electric, softly-glowing, other-wordly. Kiss… well, he tries not to focus on that one.

But he also thinks sometimes he thinks too much and of too absurd topics. That he shouldn’t allow himself to think these things. He has responsibilities. Duties.

He might have closed the book and placed it back when he hears her start to near, but he feels a little too frozen on the spot.

“Shelly,” she smiles again, pulling down on the corner of the book so that she can see the contents of the page. “A love poem! Romantic,” she teases, in the way that only Orianna knows how.

“I was just interested in the bookmark.”

“Oh, that might have been me, I like this one.”

He nods, moving to close it, but his hand is caught by Orianna instead. He stiffens, the brush from her climbing up the brim in his arm right the way to his heart. Reminding him of when he’d held her hand before.

“Let me read it again.” She smiles, letting her eyes drift back over the page. She’s stubborn, so there’s no point arguing. Not that he’d have much reason to, anyway. Adam finds his curious eyes slipping over the page, too, and he reads the words in front of him.

The fountains mingle with the river

And the rivers with the ocean,

The winds of heaven mix for ever

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the world is single;

All things by a law divine

In one spirit meet and mingle.

Why not I with thine?—

See the mountains kiss high heaven

And the waves clasp one another;

No sister-flower would be forgiven

If it disdained its brother;

And the sunlight clasps the earth

And the moonbeams kiss the sea:

What is all this sweet work worth

If thou kiss not me?

When he pulls his eyes from the page, he looks to the woman beside him. She’s mouthing the last line, subtle warmth on her face, and it’s impossible to not focus on the movements of her lips as she rolls through the vowels and consonants.

“Yes, it’s lovely. Just as I remember.”

“I suppose it is not awful.”

She lets out a little snort. “You hate reading for pleasure.”

The smile he returns is ever so miniscule. She’s absolutely right, but seeing her find joy in it makes it not so bad.

He’s drawn in by the pull of her eyes again, struggling to find the right words. Creasing his brow a little, he watches her edge a little closer. Finds himself willing down the impulse to hold her hand once more.

She smiles at him, in a way that tells him she knows the look on his face. It’s frozen, unsure, repressing. So she just leans in, and places a gentle, soft kiss just below his ear. Her lips on his skin sear simultaneously hot and cold, soft. She lingers a little, hand ghosting at his jaw. A little cold touch from the jewellery she wears.

That spot feels incredibly warm even as she moves away again. Even as she pulls the book from his hands, closes it, places it back on the shelf.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Adam.”

Adam starts, not even remembering what the date was. Perhaps he’d been a little too distracted.

“I—well, yes. Happy Valentine’s Day, I suppose.”

[mintsuke]

Forelsket | 8 - Not a Dream

Tsukishima Kei  x f!Reader

Note: Out of embarrassment, you closed your eyes during the whole process.

A/n: A little short but finally LMAO.

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Perhaps you never quite forgot about the pretty boy, who had quite literally swept you off your feet and stole a kiss from you. Soft-looking blonde hair and a warm shade of honey brown eyes. Tall and stoic, a mysterious kind of guy maybe. 

Yet, all of that was ruined when he decided to open his mouth. A very soft... or harsh... reminder that boys were just not it for you right now. Gosh, if only. You really might have taken Kuroo’s advice to move on by finding a new beau. Was the world just against you, that it decided the men in your life were all shit. Besides Kenma of course. 

Kuroo was debatable. 

So when you wake up the day after you return to Tokyo, world pitch black from the eye mask you didn’t know you had, you weren’t expecting the foreign contents of what was supposed to be your room. 

“Tetsu?” You yawn, confused why your bed felt emptier. The middle blocker had been sleeping over, and you really hope he’s not destroying your kitchen in attempt to cheer you up from yet another barrage of calls from your ex. 

You froze. Was that your voice? Were you sick? Slipping off the eye mask, you set it down on the bed. Ignoring your abnormally larger hard, you brush your palm over the mattress. Were these your bed sheets? You don’t quite remember having this color. Glancing around, you don’t even remember ever having such bad eyesight. 

Through the blurry blobs, you spot glasses on the nightstand and don them as you examine your surroundings. You notice the shelves lined with figures of dinosaurs and the school uniform and volleyball jersey that hangs on hooks on the door to your room... at least whoever’s room you were in. 

You were either kidnapped by a prehistorical nerd, or your childhood friend had somehow changed the whole layout of your room within hours. The latter didn’t seem to convincing, but knowing Kuroo, it was still possible. 

Scratching your head, you squeeze your eyes shut at your lack of longer hair. Soft and short strands met your fingertips as you swear to any god out there, if Kuroo Tetsurou cut your hair in your sleep as some sort of prank - he was going to meet his death.

Slipping out of bed, you glance down at your abnormally longer legs. You’re equally as weirded out as you stand and find that you reach the height of the doorway when you leave the confines of the room and into an unfamiliar hallway. Through trial and error, you find the bathroom, switching on the lights as you glance at the mirror. 

Your heart stops.

Was... was that you?

“Hah?!” You exclaim in shock, gripping the edges of the counter to stare at your reflection. Familiar honey eyes stare back in mirrored shock, wide in disbelief, as you recognize the face of the pretty boy from just the day before. 

Slowly raising your hands to your face, you watch as the reflection mimics the way you brush your digits over your cheeks. 

Was this real? Were you hallucinating? A dream? 

You pinch yourself with a wince at the sharp pain.

Not a dream apparently. 

“Hey— you’re unusually loud this morning, you okay?” 

You flinch, glancing over at the male standing at the doorway. He’s slightly shorter than your current body, sporting the same blonde hair color and honey colored eyes. His expression is notably more softer than the stern frown you had seen on the boy in the mirror. 

Currently, you were still finding it hard to believe that you were in that boy’s body right now. You didn’t even sleep that late last night. So how was any of this even possible?

Were you reading too many shoujo books? Body swaps couldn’t possibly be real... right?

“I’m fine,” You answer finally when you realize he’s still waiting for a response. 

Was this his brother perhaps? The similarities in appearances were striking. He was too young-looking to be his father.

He doesn’t seem too convinced by the answer, but he shakes his head and shrugs, “Alright, if you need anything let me know, you look a little pale.”

He was right. When he finally left you alone, you shut the door with a click of the lock and turned to once again appraise yourself in the mirror. The color from your cheeks were draining and you looked as though you’ve seen a ghost. Although, honestly the expression seemed so out of character and weird on the middle blocker’s face.

You were starting to panic, chest tightening as you gradually grew dizzier. Taking a seat on the toilet seat cover, you placed your head in your hands. 

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. 

You stayed like this until you felt the world come to a stand still and you could breathe normally again. 

How did this happen in the first place? Your brows scrunched together in hard concentration, thinking back to your only interaction with the boy. The pads of your fingers brush over your, well... his bottom lip, remembering the static of electricity that had shocked you when you’d both kissed that night. Could it have been...? Was that even possible outside of anime and manga? 

Then you felt it. Horror struck across your expression as you glanced down at your crotch. 

You really had to pee right now.

.

Tsukishima opened his eyes to the bright shine of the sun slicing through the blades of the blinds. Irritated, he wondered where his eye mask had gone in the middle of the night. He shifted to sit up when he realized he was being held captive by a tight hold around his middle. 

Finally growing aware of the warmth surrounding him, he raised his chin to glare up at the sleeping face of Kuroo Tetsurou. 

Wait. What. 

He looked up and down multiple times, squeezing his eyes shut and reopening them, in case he was hallucinating. Each time, he grew even more uncomfortable with how close his mentor was, and even more disturbed by his sudden appearance.

“What the fuck are you doing in my house Kuroo-san?” He spat harshly, before his mind went blank at the pitch of his voice. 

Seriously what the fuck?

“Mm, Kuroo-san? I don’t remember pulling a prank on you just yet (F/n),” The raven-haired middle blocker hums, stirring from his sleep at the sound of his name. 

Tsukishima didn’t remember seeing Kuroo last night, nor did he remember getting in bed with him. The disgust at the thought and the experience right now, was making shivers run down his spine. He needed to get out of this weird cuddle position they were in, and fast. 

“Let go of me you pervert, I’m not into that,” He hisses, ripping himself from the other middle blocker’s arms. The sound of his voice continued to throw him off as he sat up and glanced around the room. 

What was going on? His eyesight had significantly improved. Moreover, this was definitely not his room.

“(F/n), are you okay? You literally asked for cuddles last night?” The other male says, more confused now as he sits up with a drawn out yawn. 

“(F/n)? Are you blind now? I’m Tsukishima?” He snaps in annoyance.

Who the hell is (F/n)?

Kuroo’s eyes open wide now, more awake and even more confused by his answer. 

“I’m serious, are you okay? Did kissing Glasses-kun mess you up that bad?” he asks teasingly, ruffling the shorter’s hair. 

That’s when Tsukishima notices his longer hairstyle. He’s also suddenly aware of how much bigger his mentor appears in comparison to himself. Had he always been that much larger than him? They were supposedly about near each other’s heights. 

Wait. Kiss?

Tsukishima turns to him with squinted eyes, frowning up at the elder.

“How do you know about the kiss?” 

The older blinks down at him. Really what was going on with his childhood friend? Were you having a random case of amnesia? So suddenly, was that even plausible?

“You told me? Are you sure you’re okay? Did you fall down again before I came over?”

His brows furrowed, he didn’t tell anyone, not even Yamaguchi told the two idiots plus Yachi. His friend didn’t even talk to the opposing captain either, so how?

“No what the fuck, besides that, where are we? This isn’t my house.”

Kuroo makes a face at that. 

“We are at your house (F/n).”

“No, and I’m Tsukishima.”

Hazel eyes squint down at him. Kuroo opens his mouth to say something when his phone vibrates incessantly on the nightstand. With his back turned to reach for the device, Tsukishima glances at the table to find a picture frame of the Nekoma captain, his pudding-haired setter, and you  — the girl he’d knocked over on his descent down the stairs and kissed just the other night. 

Picking up the phone, Kuroo is momentarily surprised to be receiving a call from the caller ID titled as “Tsukki”. Once accepting the call, he’s about to express his surprise about receiving a call from the aloof blonde, when his eyes widen at the frantic voice on the other line. 

“What do you mean you’re (F/n)?”

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