#there's this rlly fond memory i have years ago

[wheeboo]

mine | joshua hong

SYNOPSIS. in which joshua is the best thing that's ever been... yours. PAIRING. joshua hong x gn!reader (ft. cheol, jeonghan, soonyoung, mingyu, chan - they don't rlly have dialogue tho lol) GENRE. fluff, some angst, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, established relationship WARNINGS. a very very brief shirtless joshua moment LMAO, implications of reader having a toxic ex, mentions that reader's parents have a rocky relationship and separate, kissing, terms of endearment, reader and joshua have a lil argument WORD COUNT. 3.6k

requested from @staranghae: joshua + mine by taylor swift for the 2k followers event please 🩷🎀

notes: i am fluent in this song!!!! whenever my love playlist comes on and this plays i literally scream lungs out!!! and shua fits this vibe so much <3

join the 2k celebration!

ONE. "i was a flight risk, with a fear of falling / wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts..."

Maybe you've always underestimated how the feeling of fresh air hitting your lungs makes you feel so replenished, free, like a single whiff blows away those gusts of worry in an instant.

Your fingers carry a tight, secure grip on Seungcheol's surfboard𑁋you volunteered to carry it for him so he could unload the other things from the van𑁋soft sand meeting your toes the second you step onto the beach for the first time of the summer season. Salty air tingles at your nose, the late afternoon sun baring down on your shoulders, and the expanse of the ocean opens up right before your eyes.

This place had basically watched you grow up. It carries a lot of memories that you hold dear to your heart.

You see Soonyoung already digging into the sand with an abnormally large stick, and Mingyu carrying a bunch of firewood in his arms before dropping them down onto the ground (and accidentally one on his foot, but you won't say anything about that).

However, your eyes drift and land on a figure running up from the beach shore. His dark hair is wet and sticking to his forehead, chest and arms revealed in all its glory before quickly covered up by a white, somewhat lacy button-down shirt that still doesn't do much in concealing the muscles underneath. For a moment, you nearly loose the grip on Seungcheol's surfboard.

Joshua Hong seems to spot you from even a mile away. He's running up to you before you even have the minute to breathe, a grin splitting his face that's as warm as the setting sun. Sand clings to his damp flip-flops and the hem of his black shorts as he nearly skids to a halt in front of you, chest heaving and out of breath. His shirt isn't even buttoned, dammit.

"Hey," he greets you breathlessly, letting his eyes take you in for a second. "Glad you could make it."

A soft smile of your own blooms on your face. "It's good to see you too, asshole."

A flicker of feigned hurt plays across Joshua's features. "Come on. That was so two years ago! I didn't want to push you in the water. You should know that by now."

"Wow, you care so much about me, don't you?" You nearly swing Seungcheol's surfboard playfully in his direction. "You listen to Jeonghan more than your own little brain."

"I swear, it's changed. Everything's changed since then," Joshua reasons lightly. "You have my ears for the entire night, I promise."

His words hang in the air for a moment, and there's perhaps a sliver of fondness in his eyes that you catch when your gazes meet. You feel a certain warmth spread through your chest that you try so hard to ignore each time he's around you.

You brush it off with a roll of your eyes before strolling past him, hoping that Seungcheol's surfboard was enough to cover up the slight flush creeping up your cheeks. The smile to your face still lingers as you walk towards to where Soonyoung and Mingyu are, whom dash up to you the moment they see you to engulf you in a welcoming hug.

Mingyu is almost done setting up the bonfire by the time you and Seungcheol bring all the food and supplies from the van. Jeonghan and Chan had arrived by the time the fire is lit up and crackling, casting a warm, inviting glow on the beach scene. And it isn't long when the yearly traditions of a group bonfire and beachside barbecue commence.

The smell of grilled food fills the air, mixing with the salty breeze and the crackle of the fire. And just for those moments, you forget these fuzzy feelings swirling around you as familiar laughter and camaraderie take over instead.

You've known all of your friends for different amounts of times, but being here with all of them makes it feel like time hasn't passed by at all. Inside jokes are exchanged, memories from as far as childhood resurface, and stories are told that leave you all doubled over with laughter (and Soonyoung nearly choking on a marshmallow).

It's almost natural in the way your eyes seem to search for Joshua's every single time that feeling of happiness threatens to overflow within you. The fire flickers upon his face, his eyes crinkled deeply when he smiles. Happiness looks good on him, you think. It always has.

...does his eyes search for yours too?

By the time the fire dies down, you find yourself sitting near the edge of the beach, with your legs stretched on the sand and the waves barely lapping against your feet. Seungcheol and Mingyu are already out on the ocean on their surfboards, then there's Chan and Soonyoung struggling to get their sandcastle to stay up, and Jeonghan is already knocked out on a beach towel. It's just you, and wherever the hell Joshua is.

"Something's bothering you, isn't it?"

The voice snaps you away from your thoughts, and you pick your head up to see Joshua walking up to you. A cool breeze flows through his strands of his hair as he approaches.

You blink at him. "What?"

He sits down beside you on the sand, close enough that the warmth of his body brushes against yours. "You were too quiet earlier."

You face back towards the water, cowering your head down as if guilty of some sorts.

"Oh," You murmur, somewhat to yourself. "Sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Joshua asks, nudging you lightly on the shoulder. "I told you earlier that I would be all ears for you."

You smile faintly at that. Would you still be all ears if I told you that I've been such a coward with my feelings for you?

"It's... just boy problems, I guess," You respond, though you feel a twinge of regret for wording it like that. It's more than just simply boy problems.

Joshua's jaw seems to tighten at that. "Did that jerk contact you again?"

You know who exactly he's talking about, and you let out a sigh. "No, not him. I... I blocked him a few months ago when he tried spam calling me again. Sort of gave me a good scare, to be honest."

At the corner of your eye, Joshua's hand digs aimlessly into the sand, clenching and unclenching a fistful before smoothing it out again.

"I'm glad you're okay," he says softly, gaze fixed on the grains of sand slipping through his fingers. "You deserve someone way better than him."

You chuckle at that, and a bittersweet pang shoots through your chest. It's true, you deserve better. But really, the problem isn't just jerks and bad relationships. It's the thought of falling for someone again and it all comes crashing down... again.

But it's not like you could hold back from falling when you've already fallen. The truth is undeniable at this point𑁋your heart already beats a little faster for the boy right next to you.

"Guys! Look at the sunset!" Chan's voice rings out into the cool, evening air, pointing an excited finger towards the horizon.

Simultaneously, you and Joshua bring your eyes up tot the sky together. The last rays of the sun are painting the sky in a breathtaking display of fiery oranges, pinks, and purples, like a fleeting masterpiece before nightfall takes hold.

"Wow," You mutter out in awe. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Joshua cocks his head to the side, a low hum leaving his lips. "Hmm, I could think of something more beautiful than that, honestly."

You scoff, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "You ruined the sentimental moment, idiot."

Joshua lets out an amused laugh, a sound that sends those flutters blossoming in your stomach, one you haven't realised you've missed until this very moment. A small giggle of your own escapes your mouth as you bring your eyes back to the sunset together.

Then a low yawn stifles out of you. Maybe everything that has happened the past few hours are finally catching up to you. You let out another yawn, hoping Joshua doesn't notice. But of course, he does.

"Getting tired?" he asks you.

You give a small nod. "Just a little."

A few moment pass, before you feel an arm drape casually over your shoulders. The scent of Joshua and his warmth seeps within your bones. You almost want to protest, but the words get caught in your throat, and you lean your head on his shoulder, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest with each breath.

Perhaps you could spend a long time staying in this position and hope the silence is able to spill all the words you've been meaning to say for all this time, but you know it's easier said than done. Because what's the point of confessing anymore if you know it won't ever last? That you know it'll ruin everything you've built up to get this far?

You've seen it happen around you𑁋with you, your parents, hell even strangers online. It's taught you nothing but to run. That's what your mind tells you to do, but not your heart. And maybe you listen to your mind more often than not.

"Yo, Josh!" Mingyu's voice hollers out from the ocean, and you feel a certain pressure be lifted up from your head (when did he lay his head on yours?) as you catch the sight of Seungcheol and Mingyu motioning to their surfboards. "Wanna hop on?"

Joshua briefly glances down at you, and you meet his gaze, seeing the indecision in his features.

"I don't mind," You tell him. "I'll be fine here."

He hesitates. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, don't worry about me." You pick your head off from his shoulders. "Go have your boy-fun."

Joshua gives you a small smile, though there's a hint of reluctance in his expression. He shouts back to Mingyu and Seungcheol before standing up and brushing the sand off his shorts. You could hardly pull your eyes away from him as he does so.

He starts trotting away as you face back toward the ocean with a sigh, relinquishing the moments you get to have to gather up your thoughts.

"Hey, Y/N?"

You pick your eyes back up to Joshua marching back towards you. He stops in front of you, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips.

"You look beautiful today, by the way." Then he gives shoots you a wink before turning back around. "Just wanted you to know."

The kiss you leave to his cheek later on was really worth the risk.

TWO. "you learn my secrets and you figure out why i'm guarded / you say we'll never make my parents' mistakes..."

A picture frame of a four-year-old Joshua is staring back at you. He still has that same silly grin on his face, the one that has his own eyes smiling as well and makes your heart feel lighter every time you look at it. You reach out to touch the frame, tracing the outline of his little face with your fingertip.

Sometimes, you wish you could experience what he was like at this time𑁋to grow up with him, to know what exactly led him to meeting you. But then again, he's already here with you now, and maybe that's all that matters.

"All ready for bed?" Joshua's voice popping in makes you swiftly place back the picture frame back on his desk. You turn around to see him leaning against the doorway with a soft smile playing on his lips, clad with a simple white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants.

"Mhm," You hum out in response as you settle back under the covers of his bed.

It isn't the first night you've spent with him at his place, but you seem to seek the feeling of his comfort more often than sleeping in your own bed. Jeonghan has been kind of nagging you the two of you to move in together at this point, but that's a leap you're a bit hesitant to jump right now. But the drawer of your own clothes in his wardrobe is a bit of an argument that's hard to defend.

Joshua crawls his way into the spot right next to you, slipping under the duvet and wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you more into his embrace. You feel his breath meet the nape of your neck, warm and soothing against your skin, and your eyes flutter to the feeling.

You shift your position so that you're facing him. His eyes are already closed, lips pursed up slightly, and even then he still looks absolutely stunning. But you know he isn't asleep. Not yet, at least.

"My parents had uh... another argument today," You confess lowly, hesitantly.

Joshua's eyes open up slightly, adjusting his head so he can look at you better. A faint crease of concern appears between his brows, the arm around you tightening imperceptibly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

You bite at your bottom lip anxiously. There are times you feel as if the only thing that could get you talking is always something revolving your parents, and you wonder if Joshua ever gets tired hearing about all of it. The thought courses insecurity to crawl in your veins, tightening your throat.

But Joshua's patient gaze towards you cuts through the uncertainty bubbling in your chest.

"Just same old, same old, you know?" You attempt to explain. "It just feels like they can't see eye-to-eye anymore. There's like... I don't know... nothing left between them, I guess. And it scares me that... it'll happen to us."

The last sentence suspends thickly into the air. Even then, you know it's more than the truth𑁋you've grown up witnessing and overhearing arguments from your parents that laid down this pessimistic view on the world around you.

You could feel your heart racing from all the anticipation. There's a wave of emotions that washes over Joshua's face, then he takes a deep breath and squeezes you tighter in his hold.

"Hey," he mutters. "Look at me."

You hesitantly meet his eyes.

"We're not like them, okay?" he assures you simply, bringing his hand up to cup your face oh-so gently in his hold. "We may argue sometimes. But the difference is, we communicate. We listen to each other. And we may not have all the answers to everything, but we'll figure it out together, alright?"

You swear you can feel the way he's holding your face also on your heart, like he's protecting you in a way from any doubts that might creep in. A small sigh escapes you, the tension leaving your shoulders as his words wrap around you comfortingly. The faintest, appreciative curve appears to your lips as you feel Joshua's thumb brush against your cheek.

He dreamily smiles at you as well, despite his face being half-buried in the pillow. And the thought of being able to wake up to this sight every single day suddenly feels a lot less like a leap and a whole lot more like a promise.

Somehow, the gap between the two of you disappears as your lips meets his. He kisses you so tenderly, mouth moving against yours with a delicate urgency, and the tiny sound that leaves you brings that smirk you could feel forming on his face.

You feel almost dizzy when you pull away, nothing but a shy look gracing over your features.

"Feeling better?" Joshua asks softly, brushing a stray strand of hair away from your face.

You could only gaze at him, wondering to yourself how he's even in real, how someone like him could exist with his sleepy smile, messy hair, and perfect features carved by the angels above, yet cherish you so dearly.

"Can you..." Your eyes flicker from eyes to his lips. "Can you... keep kissing me?"

It feels really silly to ask that, however Joshua just chuckles, the sound rumbling from deep within his chest as he peers at you with nothing but adoration.

"Of course," he replies, leaning back in. "Whatever you want."

THREE. "braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known / then you took me by surprise / you said, 'I'll never leave you alone...'"

The tears streaming down your face burns through the concrete below like acid.

"Y/N, wait𑁋"

"I told you that I-I can't do this right now."

The leaves crunching at your feet echo in your ears as you walk away from Joshua, each step feeling heavier than the last. It's around two in the morning or something, and you can't remember the last time you felt this lost and broken ever since your parents' separation. It's like the ground beneath you has crumbled away, leaving you suspended in midair, grasping for something𑁋just anything𑁋to hold onto.

You've been here before, standing at the edge of this cliff of vulnerability. It's easier to leave before you get left, easier to build walls than to let someone in only to watch them walk away.

But you've come to understand that Joshua isn't one to give up easily. He catches up to you quickly, his hand gently grasping your arm to stop you in your tracks. You try to shrug him off, but his grip only tightens slightly as he turns you around to face him.

"Talk to me," he pleads insistently, and the subtle tremble to his voice has your chest clenching. "If you're just going to keep pushing me away, then𑁋"

"Then leave." The words leave you before you can stop them, fueled by the ache in your chest and the fear in your heart. "You don't have to stay with me when all I-I do is push you away. Don't you think you deserve someone better?"

Joshua's grip on your arm loosens at your words, but it doesn't fall. His eyes scan over your tear-stained face, the quiver to your lips, and all of it has you bracing yourself for the inevitable, final blow𑁋for him to turn and walk away like so many others before him.

But instead, he just steps closer to you.

"This isn't about me staying because I have to, Y/N," he explains. "It's about me wanting to stay because I love you. I knew what I was getting into the second I realised I was falling for you. So no, I'm not going to leave you. And I'll never leave you alone because I know you're worth fighting for."

Your breath catches in your throat, his words piercing through you like a bullet straight through the heart. Even Joshua appears out of breath himself, as if he's poured his own heart out to you in those few simple sentences. The silence stretches between the two of you.

With a quiet sigh and a faint smile, he lets the tension simmer down by trailing his eyes over you.

"When I look at you, I think... I think I fall in love with you all over again like the first time I saw you," Joshua admits shyly, followed by a sheepish chuckle to himself. "It's cheesy, I know. But I can't help it. It's hard not to look at you."

You feel the heat crawling up your face as you blink away your tears clumsily, peering up at him inquisitively. "Really?"

This just draws another laugh from him. Joshua steps closer to you, trailing a hand to cup your face and the other to slide to your back to shorten the gap between the two of you even more. He places a soft kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering there for a moment before he pulls back slightly to meet your gaze.

"Really," he confirms, voice gentle yet firm. "I meant every word I said, darling."

This brings a genuine smile to your face as if it was the first one that night. You instinctively lean more into Joshua's touch, letting your eyes close for a moment to the simple feeling of him holding you.

"I'm sorry," You mumble, voice barely above a whisper. "for pushing you away like that. It's just... I'm scared."

Joshua takes one of your hands into his own to bring up to his lips, pressing a reassuring kiss to your knuckles.

"It's okay," he assures you. "We can be scared together."

FOUR. "do you believe it? / we're gonna make it now / and i can see it / i can see it now."

A pair of arms snake around your waist from behind, the relaxing melody of a piano floating through the air of the kitchen. You take in a deep breath, leaning back into Joshua's embrace as he rests his chin on your shoulder.

"Smells amazing, honey," Joshua murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to your temple.

You smile contentedly, feeling the peace of the moment wash over the two of you. The enticing smells of the pasta you were cooking waft around the kitchen, mingling with the scent of fresh herbs, garlic, and Joshua's presence right behind you.

"It should be ready soon," You say, clutching the wooden spoon in your hands to give the sauce a final stir.

Joshua's eyes arms tighten around you, pulling you even closer as he sways gently to the music. You hear the sounds of his hums hit your ears as you turn to the heat off to the stove. And as you attempt to pull away from him to grab for some plates, Joshua's grip on your waist hardly budges.

You groan exaggeratedly. "Shua, I need to𑁋"

"Marry me."

You freeze immediately, and you swear time halted right at that moment. Turning around in his hold, you're met with the sight of Joshua's eyes on you. You try to pinpoint any doubt in them, any sign that this is some sort of joke, but his gaze remains unwavering, dark eyes serious yet painted with a shine of hope that tugs right at the strings of your heart and the walls of your hesitation.

There's always that fear gnawing at in the back of your mind. But beneath it all, a warmth spreads through your chest, a certainty that feels as natural as breathing.

And perhaps, you see nothing but forever in him.

You can see it in the way his eyes soften, in the way his hand trembles anxiously against your waist, in the way his lips part ever so slightly as he waits for your response. You can see it all in him. You've made it.

You kiss him just seconds later. It's a question your heart has already answered long before the words left Joshua's lips. You lean more into his touch, feeling your heart overflow past the brink of joy, and the feelings all melt together into the singular realisation that he's the best thing that's ever been yours.

When the two of you finally break away, a single word escapes your lips, "Yes."

another note: sorry this ending was slightly rushed T-T

taglist (open) ʚɞ @enhazen @haowrld @icyminghao @slytherinshua @jeonride @lockburn-castle @vrnism @weird-bookworm @mhlsymlysn @ryuwonieebae @yeonjuns-redhair @wonwooz1 @woohaeyo @mark-geolli @caramyisabitchforsvtandbts @aaniag @wootify @carlesscat-thinklogic23 @phenomenalgirl9 @roziesmei @mirxzii @bookyeom @parkjennykim @melodicrabbit @bewoyewo @honglynights @bananabubble @treehouse-mouse @tanya596carat @starshuas @totomoshi

[l-tora-l]

Hello, hello!

Okay, I take that. What a funny thing, I would have taken you more for a broken boy type of girl, to be honest. It seems like you like sunshine boys, no?

So a fond memory, well uhm. Oh, hmm-

Okay, a good memory I made a little while ago was when I liked a mutual of mine and we kind of drifted apart in a sad way, which made me sad. It was hard to explain people the whole situation but I remember my best friend meeting me in the same night, walking with me and buying me a cupcake while I ranted and ranted and he asked who and when and never judged and supported me which was awesome!

Okay, next question, the third one!

Which was the prettiest piece of clothing you ever wore and why did you get it?

I love the broken ones too but idk if it’s a crush sort of thing🧐 more so just want to protect them 😭😭😭 Also aww that’s such a sweet memory🥹🤍 sometimes the most meaningful moments are when someone is there for you when things get tough especially if it’s an honest and non judgemental zone everyone deserves that and I’m so glad you got that🤍🤍🤍

Hmmm prettiest clothing piece🧐 I actually haven’t gone out much these past three years tbh cause of school 😔 but for graduation recently I got this light pink floral dress (I love floral pattens😭) and it was pretty cool since it sort of had this layered thing to it so if I were to spin it’d start flowing idk how to rlly explain it but I love it sm😭

Question 3: I don’t rlly know if how I phrase this makes sense but do you have something that you stand by- like a daily resolve or something you feel sort of inherently bound by? Some person I saw said their daily resolve is to do at least one good thing per day and I think that’s such a sweet thing🤍

[noxtivagus]

car rides back to school r so nostalgic that just this is already making my day

[niteview]

i've been following wonho for like 5 years now and i've also spent more time w/ mx without him than w/ him at this point. it is getting rlly tired when some mbbs keep asking him (and it is mostly him btw) mx-related things. he is more than his start w/ mx now if you can't grasp that okay but ppl need to stop bombarding him w/ stuff abt it. he's a soloist. his redebut was announced over two years ago.

i'm not saying it was easy to let the mx wonho go bc it was hard, i honestly had a bit of a tough time w/ it at first. and i'm also not saying that i don't miss them together at all either, of course i miss seeing them together but those thoughts can and do coexist. i just don't pester him w/ that kind of stuff lmao

so like it's july 2022, oct. 2019 was almost three years ago. it's time to move on w/ mx & soloist wh or just mx or just wh what have you. keep 2015-19 as fond memories but it's time to look ahead.

[jemmydoolz]

Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

[threeletterslife]

Chana! What are some stories that have stayed with you through the years, and writing that has impacted your own?

ooh nice question! i wasn’t sure if you meant some of mY stories or others’ stories, so i’ll answer it both ways! (this post is crazily long i’m so so sorry)

some of my own stories that have stayed with me through the years: you & me both, over the moon and insurrection/the exam

y&mb was the first full-on angst story i’ve ever published. (before publishing that, i was actually known for being a fluff writer 🤡 i know, crazy, right??) but y&mb sits in a very special place in my heart. when i was writing it, i was happy with where my life was going (i’d finally gotten out of the slumps) and the topics showcased in the story actually really hit close to home so i was also seriously invested in the characters too. overall, it was my best work for a while. but looking back, i feel like i could’ve written it so much better. it was only like what? less than a year ago? but idk i love it but hate it at the same time. the kind of thing where i laugh and cry at the memories from it, but also would HATE to read it again. still, the plot of y&mb was something i developed for YEARS before i even attempted to write it, so yes, it did stay with me through the years. and i know for a fact it’ll stay with me for longer in the future

otm is an interesting one. i finished the series this year i think (which sounds so crazy,, it feels so long ago). but the plot i planned for years! i always save my *special* plots until i think i’m capable of writing them. i still think i should’ve waited a lil longer when i wrote otm because i’m not 100% sure that was my best work ever. but otm just makes me reflect back on the crazy times. like the characters in the story, i also felt so confused and unsure and NUMB when i was writing otm—mostly because the pandemic had just gotten serious in my country and things had started to become like a mf SHITSHOW :(( i connect so much with the characters in otm... (i mean, who doesn’t love an intj mc qUEEN??) so yeah. i also LOVE oc and yoongi’s relationship in otm. their romance is actually something i want with my future s.o. LOL (something subtle, something steadfast and most importantly—STEADY). i wish i could rewrite it now fsjfjj but that goes for all of my stories

insurrection/the exam kinda go together. i’ve had the idea for insurrection the longest out of ALL of these stories lol. i think i mentioned it before but i always felt so intrigued by a ‘school revolt’ kind of idea. so i always kinda wanted to write a lowkey satirical(?) story full of morally ambiguous characters and questionable academic organizations. that turned out to be insurrection, which i waited for (i think? three to four years?) before i finally wrote it. AGAIN, it could’ve been better, but at this point, let’s just accept the fact that i’ll never be satisfied LOL. insurrection’s welton high school is based on my own high school,,, so you can tell how shitty my experience with education was in my high school years 🥳anyways, that’s why insurrection is so important to me. i feel like, in a way, it tells my story (and my friends’ stories too). the exam is a less optimistic (more satirical) view on the education system. while insurrection focused more on the students (their passions, their will to rebel and ‘cheat’ the shitty system), the exam focused more on the unfairness that students’ intelligence could be scored with fucking TESTS. one test that determines your whole future. utopia and dystopia respectively represented privileged children (who were more likely to succeed in the exam) and the lesser privileged children (who would inevitably fail the exam because they were never given the resources). yeah, i think the exam could’ve been executed better, but i think the overarching theme was there, which i’m pretty satisfied with. i’m passionate about screaming that the american education system sucks (as you can tell by this painfully long paragraph) lol i’m thinking of writing a fic in the future about an education system that actually works!!

ANYWAYS I’M SO SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH FUCK. BUT THERE’S MORE,,, HANG ON

others’ stories and writings that have impacted my own!!

starting with published authors! i’m a huge HUGEJFLKDJFLSDJ fan of louis sachar (i’m convinced this man is a genius lol). i LOVED holes, i LOVED small steps, i LOVED fuzzy mud, i LOVEDDD the whole wayside school series. he’s so witty? and creative??? like i owe all my outrageous ideas to him because he probably single-handedly taught me creativity when i was a kid LOL another author i LOVE is fredrik backman. he writes the best slice of life/coming of age stories. i’m particularly fond of a man called ove and my grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry (which inspired nothing a lil green can’t fix!!). honorable mentions go to ishiguro’s never let me go, faulkner’s as i lay dying, juster’s the phantom tollbooth. omfg i also had a HUGE shannon hale phase (the goose girl, enna burning, rapunzel’s revenge)—very fairy tale-esque but so magical and charming and CAPTIVATING!! i owe all of these authors a huge motherfucking THANK YOU. because they built me up this far 😭😭😭i love authors who are able to fully develop their characters or have the most amazing world-building ever. i think that’s why i put so much emphasis on my characters too. i rlly learned from the best 😭😭

as for internet authors!! i actually IDOLIZED this one author from wattpad (she was SERIOUSLY underrated). and i know there’s a stigma around wattpad authors (lowkey rightfully so; there’s some nasty stuff on there) but chloe was so SO talented. she wrote like a poet. it was insane. i never saw anyone who had a way with words like her. we were actually pretty close for a while but lost touch over the years. anyways, she wrote this beautiful, heartbreaking story called chrysanthemum,,, she deleted her account though so it’s not there anymore. (i know. i agonized over this for hours). she also wrote a horror fic (creatures) that STILL chills me to the bones. she inspired me to try writing horror too (in the future, i will!) 

other than that, i love all of @inktae​’s fics! she’s also an AMAZING writer. (her writing style is so eloquent and elegant and ugh! perfection!) her stories will make you feel nostalgic and lowkey heartbroken. she also writes a lot about nature/being around nature—it’s such a nice, beautiful, serene feeling. (she’s also the master of bittersweet endings!) i think i became obsessed with bittersweet endings because of her LOL some of her works that literally breathed LIFE into me: the blue notebooks, below thunder showers, written on the sky, first light (all of them are worth reading. her fics make you want to become a novelist—the inspiration i get from them is amazing!)

another legend is @jimlingss​!! i still keep up with literally all of her works because istg she never disappoints. she has such a simple but fluent writing style, which i LOVE! it’s engaging through and through. and man, she has a talent for storytelling! but the one thing no other internet author can top is kina’s characters. some published authors can’t even develop a single protagonist in the 456 book pages they wrote yikes. (but just saying, kina can do it in like 9k words.) i have no idea how she does it but her characters just feel human—even if they're not, they STILL FEEL REAL??? (sorry i’m just fangirling) but like i’m serious, she really did inspire me to start putting more depth to my characters. after all, why would the reader be invested in a story if they don’t give two shits about the bland-ass characters?? her pivotal works that made ME wanna pIVOT my whole writing career: tears of a villain, flames and floe, game of temptation, head over heels to hell, a voyage to liberation, ghost in the machine, the weekend massacre, love pages, moirai, a piece of the moonlight

i mean look, i’d put down way more fics of kina’s that inspired me to become the writer that i am now,,, but i don’t wanna make this long ass ask even longer so ummm i’ll have to stop 😭😭but i am literally in love with all of these published and internet authors. i just don’t understand how they are so talented. i really DO learn from the best. and i learned different things from each author too!! 

all of these stories (mine and others) have impacted my writing in some way or another. from my own, i learned from my mistakes lol. from others, i learned how to be a better writer. you can only write as much as you read. i stand by that fact to this day

anyways i’m so sorry you had to read this whole fucking essay 😭😭😭😭

[brvndts]

did  you  see  the  rvc  tribune  article  about  𝑻𝑬𝑫𝑫𝒀  𝑩𝑹𝑨𝑵𝑫𝑻  ?  you  didn’t  ?  known  as  𝑻𝑯𝑬  𝑴𝑰𝑵𝑬𝑭𝑰𝑬𝑳𝑫  around  town,  they  are  𝑻𝑾𝑬𝑵𝑻𝒀-𝑶𝑵𝑬  and  they  𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑫  𝑴𝑶𝑳𝑳𝑶𝒀  𝑪𝑶𝑳𝑳𝑬𝑮𝑬.  you  know,  bobby  down  at  the  rec  center  says  they’re  𝑨𝑷𝑷𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑻  &  𝑷𝑼𝑮𝑵𝑨𝑪𝑰𝑶𝑼𝑺.  but,  leslie  at  sugarberry  bakery  says  they’re  𝑰𝑵𝑪𝑰𝑺𝑰𝑽𝑬  &  𝑭𝑶𝑹𝑻𝑯𝑹𝑰𝑮𝑯𝑻.  so,  they  must  not  be  all  that  bad!  anyways,  if  you  wanna  get  to  know  them  for  yourself  they  live  at  𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑨𝑽𝑨𝑳𝑶𝑵  with  𝑹𝑶𝑶𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑬𝑺.  (  𝒏𝒊𝒌𝒔,  23,  𝒄𝒔𝒕,  𝒔𝒉𝒆/𝒉𝒆𝒓.  )

howdy  !  i’m  niks  ,  i’m  23  in  cst  tz  ,  and  i  go  by  she/her  pronouns  !  i’m  so  excited  to  be  here  and  write  w  u  all  🥺  but  first  things  first  i’m  the  realest  ,  here’s  teddy  !  i’ll  undoubtedly  be  sending  one  or  two  wcs  to  the  main  as  well  ,  so  keep  an  eye  out  👀

teddy  was  born  theodora  demelza  brandt  in  westchester  ,  new  york  ,    back  on  july  18th  of  ‘98  .  her  parents  were  middle  class  -  no  frill  ,  no  drama  .  her  mom  ,  though  ,  passed  away  when  she  was  six  .  she  has  fond  memories  of  her  ,  but  since  she  was  so  young  the  only  thing  teddy  truly  misses  is  having  a  mother  figure  .

at  school  ,  teddy  was  impatient  to  say  the  least  .  she  was  constantly  on  the  teacher’s  tail  about  each  subject  they  taught  ,  attempting  to  learn  faster  so  she  could  be  done  with  her  classes  faster  .  however  ,  this  was  seen  as  disrespect  we  luv  the  school  system  and  so  instead  of  pulling  ahead  ,  it  held  her  back  .

in  high  school  ,  she  was  popular  -  though  not  by  attempting  to  be  .  she  was  friendly  and  outgoing  ,  had  nice  clothes  from  her  dad’s  money  ,  and  a  cheerleader  to  boot  .  it  was  during  these  years  she  became  extra  close  with  her  dad  ,  banding  together  when  times  were  tough  for  him  -  especially  during  the  holidays  when  he  missed  teddy’s  mother  the  most  .

teddy  became  somewhat  of  a  partier  ,  though  never  heavily  into  drink  /  drugs  .  pretty  much  just  enjoyed  the  clout  of  sending  a  bunch  of  snapchats  from  a  bunch  of  parties  ngl  !  if  it  ever  interfered  with  her  grades  ,  her  dad  would  step  in  -  otherwise  she  was  pretty  much  allowed  to  do  whatever  she  wanted  .

at  her  graduation  ,  however  ,  teddy  received  quite  the  shock  .  her  dad  showed  up  ,  but  not  alone  as  he  always  had  to  her  recitals  and  football  games  .  he  had  a  woman  on  his  arm  ,  someone  he  introduced  as  his  fiancé  .  he’d  kept  the  relationship  a  secret  in  hopes  of  protecting  teddy’s  feelings  ,  but  all  that  was  accomplished  was  teddy  removing  herself  from  the  situation  entirely  .

teddy  moved  out  after  that  ,  scarcely  saying  goodbye  .  from  lack  of  anything  else  to  do  ,  she  became  an  assistant  teacher  at  her  high  school  to  earn  some  money  for  herself  ,  though  her  dad  still  helped  pay  her  rent  and  expenses  -  out  of  guilt  ,  probably  .  even  still  ,  teddy  wasn’t  content  .

she  just  moved  to  rvc  to  start  over  ,  and  began  her  first  semester  of  college  at  molloy  college  not  long  ago  (  with  a  major  in  psychology  and  a  minor  in  women's  studies  )  .

and  that  ...  is  all  i  have  for  now  !  basically  ,  teddy  is  a  brash  socialite  /  academic  who  was  raised  by  a  single  dad  ,  and  the  relationship  is  complicated  .  she  loves  making  friends  (  a  lot  )  and  is  known  for  partying  and  having  a  rlly  good  time  .  she  has  a  huuuuge  record  collection  and  will  happily  show  anyone  who  is  even  half-interested  .  come  w  plots  pls  !

[sleepyfemme]

What do I do when I feel like an ex is haunting me? In that, like, I think about him constantly and I want to rekindle the relationship and I miss him every day. I broke up with him almost two years ago because I wanted an open relationship and he didnt. He kept trying to get me to be monogamous but I knew it would only hurt both of us (mostly him tbh) if we tried. But god I wonder everyday what would've happened if I had stayed with him, because I think I would've been happier...I miss him :(

this is gonna sound like cliche advice and i’m SORRY but it’s true. it sounds like you may need to work more on being happy with yourself & learn to be super okay with being single (whether or not you currently are lol) bc it’s so much harder to regret leaving someone or being left by someone when you know you’re completely fulfilled by yourself & fine on your own. i also think that sitting with that feeling of missing him & regret is okay to an extent. i think it’s normal to have things you feel nostalgic about or people you miss, but like not to the point where it’s interfering with your current happiness or decisions. and at the end of the day i KNOW it doesn’t rlly help to hear things like this, but it sounds like you weren’t right for each other & it wasn’t gonna work out & even tho you love(d) & miss this person, you probably WOULDN’T have been happier bc you weren’t compatible in an extremely important way. you said yourself that you would probably have ended up rlly hurting each other. at least now you can look back at your relationship with fondness instead of bitterness. i think another thing to work on is opening yourself up more to new partners, bc it sounds like you’re still comparing potential (or current) partners to him if you think you would have been happier with him. idk if this is a heartless way of thinking of things, but my philosophy abt friends & partners is that everyone is replaceable & if someone isn’t compatible with you or isn’t good for you, there’s a whole world out there full of other people and there ARE other people out there who will be a better fit for you. also start journaling if you aren’t already doing that!!! i’ve been working through letting some people go lately & i can’t explain how therapeutic it is to dump all my feelings & memories & all the good & bad things about these people into my journal. i feel lighter & freer & more over it after every single session. anyways i wish you the best, i hope this was helpful & i hope you get the closure you’re looking for ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[goldenscript]

jack frost!minhyuk

lee minhyuk, a man of not only jovial fun but of snow and frost and all the glorious white mush that dusts lush green lawns and ices over ponds and nips at everyone’s noses

he’s the kind of spirit that accepted his fate and didn’t mind the tasks they thrusted at him bc what else could he do??? fight the greater deities for cursing him????

you could say he’s an optimist because there’s no other way to see life at this point

he’s always been that kind of half full guy and he’ll always make the most of any situation so knowing that he let his younger sister have a life is all that he can ever ask for - he just happened to be given a second chance

this time to bring joy and life to others like he had with his sister

it took him quite a while to get acclimated to being a holiday spirit, but having fun has always been his kind of thing

he often played games with his sister, ice skating, snowball fights, sledding,,, all that good stuff

so when he was given the ability to control the one thing he loved the most in the world (aside from his lil’ sis) he made sure to make the most of every winter season

at first, he was always shy to interact with younger kids because he was so sure that no one could see him - the first time someone walked right past him, he sulked for ages ok

but then he meets your great aunt who lives away from the city and on the outskirts - at the time she didn’t have a lot of friends so she just wished for one and somehow minhyuk and her crossed paths

not that it was an accident or anything, but he has fled from the city with a sad heart, wandering until he stumbled across a lake that resembled the one when he was alive and he saw your great aunt

when she saw him, she lit up despite being so shy but she just knew he was so okay so she greeted him and gosh did he warm up

she looked right at him and nodded when he pointed at himself like “me??” and she asked him if he wanted to play and that’s what began their time together

even well into her adult life as she married and had kids, she still believed in him because he became such a huge part of her childhood and she invited him to do the same with her children

they didn’t quite remember him as they grew older but it came as a relief to him that she did

when she was alone and withered by age, he still came to see her and eventually saw you

not many people liked to visit her because she was always talking about a “minhyuk” but neither you nor your parents cared (though your parents more or less pitied the older woman tbh) so they let you stay with her and you became his playmate

you knew him by minnie than minhyuk,,, always shrieking his name in laughter and elation because he was the best playmate you’d ever known

most importantly, because he could conjure up snow,,,, tho he was total cheat at snowball fights ngl & at the end, he would let you win and pelt him with snowballs then return to the cottage with you for your great aunt’s famous hot cocoa

and many years went on like this and the loneliness you felt sort of melted away because all you can remember is fondness in your childhood and of a boy named minnie

who still thinks abt you tbh,,, he stops by your aunt’s to ask abt you and help her and he just,,, hopes that you’d come back one day

tbh, you’re not sure when you stopped believing in minnie but you do know it came right as soon as your visits to your great aunt grew less and less

even when you did stop, you mostly cared for her and tried to help her esp during the summer when the weather was the hottest bc she insisted she was fine during winters

unlike her own kids, you helped her the most - your parents encouraged it though mostly for their own benefit to rake up than anything else

after college, with a job lined up and everything, you actually decide to move there instead of a place in the city like they wanted and they disliked how you decided not to sell the house when you were gifted the cottage in her will 

ofc now,,,, you’re scared

it’s the first time you’re truly living alone and caring for a small place all on your own but you’re also comforted by the nostalgia because the faint memories of your great aunt and your imaginary friend minnie - a point in time when life was easier than worrying about living and paying bills

one day when you’re on the ice abt to skate and you’re wobbling he actually appears and says “still not good on the ice huh?”

you’re surprised, rubbing your eyes in disbelief, “minnie??????????????”

he just smiles, “well it’s minhyuk but you can still call me minnie!!!”

you’re almost certain it’s a dream but you don’t care bc you want to enjoy this moment and not think abt bills and taxes and all that other crap that’s sure to take away the fun from life

so you just grin and say, “hi minhyuk, i’m y/n”

“i know!”

“you do??”

“i remember u,,,, i was hoping you’d come back actually”

you’re surprised but before you can scold your dream self for being so childish you realize you don’t really care

and !!! he admits he’s always had the most fun with you bc you were always telling him silly stories and making him laugh and it makes you so happy that you can’t stop yourself from doing it again

this time with robots and dinosaurs and the great world war of the past and present and other great stuff you hadn’t actually told anyone since they were all pretty unconventional stories

you go to bed that first night wishing you didn’t have to wake up because this was first time you actually felt free since you last moved there but even in your dreams he’s there and it makes you smile and sleep well

the next day,,, you wake up a little late but you’re quick to get ready to run errands and you’re still pretty dazed as you walk off the bus and toward your cottage until you see a pair of feet that could only belong to one person

you almost drop the hot cocoa ingredients and he’s immediately scooping the items into his arms and scolding you like “careful!!! sheesh”

you laugh a little nervously bc you swore you were dreaming the other day ago bc he can’t be really right??

but as you both round the corner of the pathway toward the front door, he just laughs and says, “srsly you aren’t I’m really here”

he even lets you poke his cheek and squeeze his arm just to make sure because you’re seriously trying to wrap your head around the fact that your imaginary friend from childhood may not have been imaginary after all,,, but you figure he isn’t some malevolent spirit trying to kill you,,, hopefully

so you’re like “well,,, would you like to come in for hot cocoa then?” and as he makes himself at home, enjoying the way you decorated and everything, you make your great aunt’s secret recipe which he loves too

and the moment realization strikes him, his features just like up and he’s like “!!!!!!!!!! you’re amazing”

you laugh and you thank him for always making your childhood really fun and for keeping you company

he’s just like “yeah ofc it’s what your great aunt wanted,,,,” 

and you smile a lil sad but he just puts his hand on top of yours to comfort you and it makes you smile,,, bc he’s still nice and kind as ever and that,,,, seriously warms your heart

it just becomes this routine to stay with minhyuk, do errands, and even once in a while go to your job with him present bc ur office is pretty secluded from everyone else’s

he makes u laugh and feel really happy like even more than reliving your childhood nostalgia and you’re certain that it might be more than a platonic thing but you don’t want to say anything

it isn’t until one day when jooheon, a guy from ur office, asks you out and minhyuk is actually frowning and pouting bc “??? are you really going out with this guy???? why not spend time with me??”

you actually have to excuse yourself to take minhyuk aside like “??? what’s ur deal”

but he just clamps up because how can he just say that without coming off as some child y’know??

so he’s just like “um,,,, i,,, i don’t know! what’s urs?”

of course, you’re confused but before you can say anything else he just disappears and says he’ll see you later

,,,but by “later” he actually means later bc he doesn’t appear for a few days especially since ur lil’ hangout with jooheon

it wasn’t even anything special either since all you could think about was minhyuk and if he was ok because he seemed really upset and the thought of him upset actually,,, hurt you,,, A Lot

so anyway, you’re out in your backyard drinking hot cocoa with a plate of cookies and there’s another mug for him

you’re just sitting there like “where r u dummy?” but he doesn’t show up and it’s starting to get really cold so you leave it out and the next morning you find the plate and mug washed in your dish rack

and the rest of the day kind of drone on without minhyuk’s company and it makes you even more sad bc you miss him terribly

turns out he misses you too !!

well, duh

in all that time you two spent together, he’s grown attached to you and a part of him has been at war with himself since then because is that even ok ??

he’s known you since childhood and you’ve seen him as a figment of your imagination ,,, having feelings for you now seems so out of the question but then he thinks back to the way you look with snow caught in ur hair,,, the way you’ll hold his hand real tight even when you’re both inside,,, the fact that you can make ur great aunt’s hot cocoa and cookies so effortlessly ???

but ok rlly,, you’ve become such a kind and caring soul with such a selfless way of thinking and it makes him feel so happy to see that y’know??

it also makes him sad tho bc you told him abt how you were pretty much alone since your parents didn’t like your decisions to keep your great aunt’s place and how you didn’t have a lot of friends just bc of your parents and honestly he was your sole friend

like that? that breaks his heart and it makes him so freaking torn because he doesn’t want to hurt you like that yknow?

he doesn’t want to abandon you but he also doesn’t want to have these feelings for you but he just,,, he can’t help himself

even when his friends keep telling him to leave well enough alone, he looks to the man on the moon and he just,,, knows that this is where he should be

(ofc after all his tasks are done and all,,, which doesn’t take long but he sees that one of the weather spirits are being particularly mean and aiming a storm in your area and it has him racing there)

one night there’s a particularly horrid snow storm with lightning and thunder and you’re kinda terrified bc you’ve never been that keen on thunderstorms

and to be frank, it’s the first time you’ve ever suffered through a storm in the cottage without your great-aunt too,,,,

but minhyuk shows up bc he can’t stand seeing you so freaked out and he eases up on the snow even tho some of it isn’t his doing

(though he’s sure to deal with that later)

he asks if you’re ok and u get only a lil snippy bc “where have you been, you chicken head????? how could u just leave me and take my hot cocoa???”

he apologizes and admits he’s jealous bc jooheon can be seen out with u and u won’t look crazy and he just,,,, really likes u.

in all that time you two spent together, even in that time apart - it dawns on you why it upset you so much that he left and it isn’t just cuz he’s one of your only friends

so you say, “god you’re a dummy” and before he complain, you admit, “i like you too so don’t leave me ok it makes me sad”

he just lights up and a lot of the angry snow sort of dissipates as he draws you into his arms and feels you tighten ur hold on him

and because of this, it makes u both closer than ever

like christmas is even better than ever bc even tho your parents weren’t keen on that stuff, he helps u decorate and make cookies for santa (tho he eats them because he refuses to share those godsent cookies)

you both exchange gifts and he adores the mittens you made him with the lopsided thumbs and you love the snowflake necklace he had made and purchased (it took lots of begging from the man on the moon just to have a physical form that day even for like ,,,, 2 hours,,,, yes shopping really took that long for him,,,, rip)

and as you both get up from your spots on the rug by the fire place to put the dishes away by the doorway, he can’t help but point up when you’re down with the dishes with this cute, mischievous smile

you look up, brow raised and cheeks flushed but you pull him downward by the collar of his sweater and y’all kiss under the mistletoe

of course, it makes you sad when spring rolls in but he promises to pop in even if it is unconventional and he gets in trouble

and boy does the man on the moon do a good scolding every now and then, just for him

but even the spirits love the two of you together and they’ll send you nice gifts because it makes them happy to see minhyuk happy after this long

regardless of everything, even with the grand design telling you both that this won’t work out, you’re content bc he’s in your heart and you’re in his

[lisboy]

@x3carlyx3 thank you for tagging me hehe (i’m super late oops)

1ST RULE: tag 9 people you want to get to know better : @planetyardium @goldenvarnish @button-button-button @no2da @livinka-n-diland @bibliophilesbian @mononoke-maiden and uuh anyone who wants to (dw if you don’t want to do it, it’s cool ! 👍🏻) 

2nd RULE: BOLD the statements that are true ((commentary in double parentheses))

APPEARANCE: · I am 5'7"(~170 cm) or taller · I wear glasses {or contacts} · I have at least one tattoo · I have at least one piercing  · I have blonde hair · I have brown eyes · I have short hair · My abs are at least somewhat defined · I have or had had braces

PERSONALITY: · I love meeting new people ((it depends i guess. sometimes i love it, sometimes i kind of hate it until i’m used to them ; idk) · People tell me that I’m funny (or at least that my behaviors are funny) ((people usually tell me i’m weird, probably because i do dumb shit like sitting on the floor or wear funny clothes ; but really i’m not)) · Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me · I enjoy physical challenges · I enjoy mental challenges · I’m playfully rude with people I know well · I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it · There is something I would change about my personality ((i think too much about the past, i can’t seem to forget mildly embarrassing stuff i did like 8 years ago and it still makes me cringe, guh))

ABILITY: · I can sing well · I can play an instrument  · I can do over 30 pushups without stopping · I’m a fast runner · I can draw well · I have a good memory · I’m good at doing math in my head · I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute · I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling · I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch · I know how to throw a proper punch ((ooh id love to know how to punch...)

HOBBIES: · I enjoy playing sports ((ive always been bad at sports and i overheat so fast i can’t really play anything without becoming so red i can feel my skin burn lol. But i kind of like stuff such as badminton or long jump, even though i suck at it. It can be pretty fun though !) · I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else · I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else ·I have learned a new song in the past week · I work out at least once a week ·I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months  · I have drawn something in the past month · I enjoy writing · fandoms are my #1 passion  · I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES: · I have had my first kiss  · I have had alcohol ((i mean i don’t drink because alcohol is disgusting, but i know what it tastes like) · I have scored the winning goal in a sports game · I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting · I have been at an overnight event · I have been in a taxi · I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year · I have beaten a video game in one day · I have visited another country · I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts ((i’m really not fond of concerts but i went to see mitski last year. There were too many people, the volume was way too high for me and it was sooo hot even tho it was only february, but i enjoyed the music i guess. It made me realize no matter what the concert is i won’t 100% enjoy it :/ ))

MY LIFE: · I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” ((i am full of love for my friends !!) · I live close to my school · My parents are still together · I have at least one sibling ((my little sisters art blog is @planetyard-art you should check it out !)) · I live in the United States · There is snow right now where I live ((i WISH)) · I have hung out with a friend in the past month · I have a smartphone ((i technically own a very very old smartphone, but it’s so old and broken i can’t even write texts anymore. I need to change but phones are expensive and addictive hmm) · I have at least 15 CDs · I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: · I’m in a relationship · I have a crush on a celebrity · I have a crush on someone I know · I have been in at least 3 relationships · I have never been in a relationship (my romantic life is nonexistent lol but i dont rlly care) · I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them · I get crushes easily ((ive had like 3 crushes in my entire life tbh, it’s almost funny))· I had a crush on someone for over a year · I have been in a relationship for at least a year · I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM SHIT: · I have breakdanced · I know a person named Jamie · I have had a teacher with the last name that’s hard to pronounce · I have dyed my hair · I’m listening to one song on repeat right now · I have punched someone in the past week · I know someone who has gone to jail · I have broken a bone · I have eaten a waffle today · I know what I want to do with my life · I speak at least 2 languages (i know french & english, i used to be good at spanish but i havent spoken it in almost 4 years ! i still understand it fairly well though. And i kinda..... know a bit of japanese........ but even after 5 years of official academic studies i'd be unable to speak to someone for more than 10 mns ive got so little confidence when it comes to japanese) · I have made a new friend in the past year (hmm.. ive talked to many new people but i don’t really consider them friends. They’re nice and all but we don’t hang out outisde of class so we’re not close, which is a shame !)

[guccifloralsuits]

some zarry headcanons?

- 1st of all hell yeah girl zarry is both love and life and I’m proud to consider   myself trash for them

- This is about to get angsty as hell so get ready. Also this is about to b soooo long imo 

- Oh god where do I even start? Both just have this quiet companionship and understanding of each other??? 

- Like, both tip toward introverted, especially compared to Niall’s boisterous laughter and Louis’s loud demeanor, or even Liam’s steady going confidence.

- They loved the other boys with all their hearts, but sometimes it would get loud and crazy and all too much and both occasionally needed their breaks. They just…got that about each other where some people wouldn’t understand.

- So they’d cover for the other whenever one went ghost or needed a moment alone and it was just this unspoken agreement to have each other’s backs.

- They’d stake out hidden corners and nooks in every arena they played, looking for somewhere where the grounds couldn’t touch them, somewhere the chaos of the production hadn’t yet reached.

- It became a sort of game; they’d scout for the spot first thing after docking, and then they’d sneak to it whenever they got the chance.

- Harry would sit criss crossed while zayn would lean his back against the walls, stretch his feet in front of them, and light up a smoke (even when they were indoors because fuck the people who told him he couldn’t).

- Harry would always take a drag or two, start coughing profusely, and then ask zayn how the hell he could chain-smoke like he did. 

- Zayn would only smile, and they’d spend the rest of their time comfortable in each other’s silence.

- It drove the production team abso-fucking-lutely nuts because where the hell were harry and Zayn??? they were suppose to be here 30 minutes ago????

- The pair would show up 15 minutes before opening, without fail. After a while, the crew began to expect it.

- But, time went on, and things became more and more stressful.

- They both tended to bottle up the emotions they didn’t want to feel,

- And would only really talk about their problems when drunk.

- But, on those nights, they’d sit, facing each other on their hotel bed, and vent, truly vent, for hours on end.

- They’d spill everything: talking about anxieties they both dealt with, the control they felt they lacked in their lives.

- Zayn knew about the ache harry got sometimes, the sadness that came with the constant media attention. Harry came off as unruffled, but sometimes the negative media got to him. He’d sort of shut down - go mechanical in interviews and slur through the motions of the day without really being all too there. He always pulled himself out, though, after a while.

- Harry suspected about the ED zayn was developing, but never found concrete evidence, and sometimes thought he (himself) was looking for shadows where there were none. Mostly, he noticed how thin zayn was getting.

- He was terrified of confronting zayn about it because they had been drifting apart and where no longer as close as they used to be. Harry would offer zayn food on stage, whenever he got the chance, and occasionally zayn would bite.  

- They still went and found those hidden stadium corners, but the silences began to feel tense, and the words they didn’t say started weighing down the air between them. 

- And then one day, Zayn stopped looking for their places, altogether. 

- Harry was the first to know zayn planned to leave the band, and felt the most betrayed by zayn’s choice to go.

- It was selfish, but harry just…needed zayn sometimes, needed his calming presence in the constant craziness of their lives. He felt off-balanced without zayn’s quiet demeanor to calm him down.

- At first, pride, betrayal, even a drop of jealously kept harry from forgiving zayn. Losing a close friend, someone that significant in his life…it hurt, okay? It hurt more than anything he’d ever encountered. And the constant questions and spotlight on the issue only made him feel worse. He felt more isolated and alone than ever.

- So harry shut zayn out completely, because that’s what harry does when he’s wounded and hurting. He blocked zayn’s number and left his emails unread, because he thought reading them would leave his heart worse off than before.

- Zayn tried, at first. He did. Eventually though, he got angry, feeling as though the other boys didn’t care at all. Did this last four years mean nothing? They were suppose to be friends - brothers even, and yet. Now they they were treating him like yesterday’s news. Like he never mattered to them, at all.

- They did care though. 

- God, They all cared so much. Harry listened to every track on zayn’s album, the minute it’s released. He chewed on every lyric and line, trying to find meaning in the metaphor. 

- So time passes and 1d goes hiatus. They start their solo careers.

- Zayn listens to Sign of the Times three times in a row. He thinks about the lyrics and about how they don’t talk enough, about how, yeah, they’ve spent their lives running from those fucking bullets. They’re still running, and probably always will be. It’s not a happy thought. 

- Both realize that their relationship will never be the same. There’s still a bitterness between them, even though the fond memories are coming back, too. Their friendship has been damaged beyond the point of repair. 

- They’ll think about each other, at random points in the day, wondering what the other is up too. Trying to hope the other is doing well. 

- Now that the dust has settled, they both see their own mistakes, the ways the let the other down. They miss each other, a lot, but it’s not enough to smother their pride. 

- Maybe one day, though, they’ll apologize. Maybe one day, they’ll move on. They are dealing with it, slowly. For now, that has to be enough.

- Anyways im crying I regret writing this and im sorry this is so long. sorry about the atrocious grammar and verb tenses I got rlly excited and yeah

Send me ships and I’ll write some head cannons for them 

[kagevama]

today, february 10th, 2017, marks the one-year anniversary of this blog. that is absolutely unreal!!! i have compiled a list of “thank you” paragraphs that came from my heart. here is the first:

to you (my followers and mutuals): thank you for staying with me on this journey from when i first started as a pastel haikyuu blog to now! all of you have encouraged me to become the person i am today, and i am so thankful for every single one of you.

you’re all such a ginormous part of my life, and you don’t even realize it. i get notifications on my phone (which i carry around everywhere) whenever someone likes/reblogs my posts, sends me an ask/message, or follows me, so i see everything. i take these notifications as reminders that someone out there is validating me and actually likes what i post and/or wants to interact with me. it gives me warm feelings inside and motivates me to keep blogging!

in addition, i love having you all to fall back on. i remember when i posted about failing one of my math exams, and i was (lovingly) bombarded with messages, asks, and replies filled with positivity and encouragement for the next test. that meant so much to me that i literally cried tears of joy. also, i received so many kind messages when i posted my hiatus post a few days ago; it meant the whole world to me. whenever i feel down, i always think about every nice thing that each of you have said to me and i become filled with contentment. you all are constantly on my mind & i am so grateful for having all of you in my life.

again, thank you so much for sticking with me. tumblr is such a big part of my existence and brings me so much happiness and enjoyment -- it wouldn’t if it weren’t for you: the people on this website. despite all of my flaws, like not being active and taking very long to reply, you’ve stayed with me. i have so much love for every single one of you. i wish i could give you a big hug (or a nice high-five/thumbs up if you’re not comfortable with hugs)!! here’s to another year <3

and here are some special “thank you’s” !!

kris @chinoy: you’re the one who introduced me to tumblr back in 2013. if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t have had this place where i met so many amazing people, expanded my creative endeavors, and felt like i’ve actually belonged. you’ve been with me since i was still finding myself (from one direction to astrology), and above all, you’ve tolerated me -- even from when i was so close-minded and immature in the sixth and the seventh grades. i am so incredibly grateful for you. you probably think that this is rlly cringe and stuff, but still, i appreciate and admire you more than words can express. thank you for everything! love u homie

jade @mun-mirajade: you were the person who started it all. the person who single-handedly took a young, 5sos-obsessed teenager and changed her into a full-blown weaboo. it takes guts, and you did it. two of my fondest memories from the hell-hole that was 2016 was when we walked around the park near my house talking about anime. we sat on the bleachers overlooking the baseball field, and you told me about all of your headcanons about haikyuu. you also dragged me to fanime (even though i only watched a few animes at the time), and the experience was exceptionally more fond and memorable than anything i experienced that summer. thank you for everything. i love you so much bro

kate @gaysngreys​: i first met you at fanime 2016 -- you were the first cosplayer who i saw and thought, “oh my god. i wanna cosplay and look as amazing as them!” that was one of the most memorable fanime experiences for me because it was then when i seriously thought about cosplaying. thank you for being a mutual and for sticking with me for so long! i appreciate and admire you very much (nd you know that time when i visited your uni? it was because my sister applied there & she wanted to look at the campus -- it’s been on my mind a lot like “shit man. it’s hella creepy that i just showed up to kate’s university” but i swear that i didn’t intend to be!) thank you for all of the inspiration & memes you’ve given me :’)

lara @sugasets: LARAAAAA you’ve had such a positive impact on my life :’) i remember when you first followed me -- i am so glad that i followed back. you inspire me to become a warmer, more compassionate person. the amount of times that i’ve smiled because of the kind messages or snapchats that you’ve sent me are too much to count! you’re one of my biggest role models! i want to kick life’s butt with kindness and determination just like you do. thank you for proving to me that life isn’t so bad because of the people like you!! love u so much

mish @tobiohchan: i remember following your blog when i created mine. you were reblogged onto my dash multiple times, and i remember loving every single one of your edits (and i still do)!! the day that you followed me back, i was almost in tears because i couldn’t believe that you did. your graphics, gifs, and edits instill so much inspiration in me. your resource blog is so useful and i can’t thank you enough for everything that you’ve compelled me to create!! thank you so much for continuing to inspire me and for all of the kind support you give your followers :’)

aleena @dazaiosamu​: you were one of my first friends and mutuals on this blog, and you have seen more of me than almost everyone here!! thank you so much for showing me all of the kindness that you have. you’re one of my most favorite people, and i am so lucky that i’ve met and gotten to know someone as talented, intelligent, and compassionate as you. we’ve lost our snapchat streak multiple times, but i don’t think that i’ll ever be able to lose the respect and love that i have for you!!! soooo incredibly cheesy, but i mean every single word. thank you for being my friend :’)

anastasia @nanzse: you followed me a couple of weeks ago and it completely blew my mind away! your edits are all so gorgeous. to achieve the level of perfection that is your blog is a goal of mine!! thank you for following back and for motivating me to create graphics, gifs, and edits :) i have so much admiration and respect for you - i look up to you so much. thank you for continuously providing me with inspiration!

alicia @pliestsky: alicia!! you were one of my first friends on this blog! i’d firstly like to thank you for sticking with me for so long, and for all of your snapchats -- i love seeing them! you’re so talented, kind, and smart. i still can’t believe that you run an anime blog, a k-pop blog, and a k-pop twitter on top of golf & such! you’re such an organized person who has tons of time-management skills, and i hope to be like you one day. all in all, thank you for showing me so much kindness as well as for giving me loads of advice on school & graphics :’) love you lots!!

naz @oikawaisagenius: you’ve been following me for so long!! i remember constantly seeing you in my notifications, and i can’t believe that i only recently followed you. you’re such a kind, sweet person who literally deserves the entire world. thank you for sticking around with me for so long!!! i appreciate and value you to the moon back :’)

kenma @kozumek: hey kenma!! i know that we don’t really talk, but it’s been a privilege being your mutual. i genuinely enjoy your presence on my dashboard -- i truly appreciate you and your aesthetic so much. it hurts my heart whenever i see you sad; in my eyes, you’re an amazing person who deserves nothing but the best. thank you for continuing to follow me & for all of our interactions!! 

lucy @yachii: lucy!! we don’t talk often, but i still consider you to be one of my tumblr friends. thank you for all of our interactions (including all of the puns that you’ve rejected). you’re such a chill, kind hearted person, and i strive to be like you someday. your aesthetic is also so incredibly gorgeous & it’s been a true privilege being your mutual. thank you for showing all of the kindness that you have, and thank you for being a cool person in general!!

pau @hiwazumi: pau!! ahh i just wanted to thank you for being such an inspiration for me. your edits, graphics, -- everything you create is so gorgeous and exceedingly inspiring to me. you’re such a sweet, talented person

nicole @malkii: nicooolleee ahhhh where do i begin??? i find it so crazy that we’ve only known each other for a couple of months. you’ve quickly worked your way into my life -- in fact, you’re my #1 best friend on snapchat! you’ve probably seen a whole lot more of my life than anyone on this website. we’ve shared so many memeories already, too. from oipepe to talking about who our crushes are, i cherish each one. i value and appreciate you so much, u furry. thank you for snapchatting me, sending me your lame puns, and (most of all) for being my friend. words can’t describe how much i love you!!