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i hate cars and driving and i hate that its set up to require a car to get literally fucking anywhere unless u have an extra several hours to walk TO the nearest town that doesnt even have anything of interest in it
#i dont want to go out i want to just chill here on my day off#like i have one thing i NEED to do but i havent gotten the okay to do it yet so im like. great. thanks.#with any luck i get a response monday morning & i go hey boss i need to leave early & hell say okay.#bc this is. time sensitive#anyway maybe i'll clip rime to my bag & we can have a day out.#my friends got me a mafuyu plushie so shes on my bag now but its not the same shes not my friend like the isotopes are#my wrists are FUCKED i cant even draw this weekend. sad#theres no point to any of this im just oversharing
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augh. the fuckening continues. Some More Stuff has gone down with my shitty shitty dad. yes. the one that died. It Continues To Go Down, Some Fucking How.
if you saw me talk about this somewhere else already sorry lmao. i don't even know why i'm like. i know there are people who i want to know things about how my life is going and who are invested in how i'm doing who follow me here and wouldn't have seen this elsewhere so it's like. sort of a bulletin and also i'm still just. it's circling around in my head kind of inescapably so. here's this. sorry for the continued oversharing re: The Fuckening, hopefully this'll be the last of it but apparently there is no way to remotely guarantee that he will stop pulling shit like this despite literally no longer being alive.
theres been a whole Thing where my dad had a life insurance policy through his work and the people from his job contacted our family and said that my sister and i were listed as the beneficiaries on the policy and so they needed the death certificate and our information to get that taken care of. i have been the one primarily in contact with the lady handling it, we emailed and talked on the phone a few times. and then recently my sister got something in the mail from the insurance people and i didn’t and we wondered if it was a problem with my address being canadian or my name change and so i called the insurance company today to get that sorted. according to them, based on the information provided by his work, I Am Not A Beneficiary. it’s just my sister, im listed as a contingency in case something happened to them before him or whatever i guess. so now there’s. that. going on. which, like. it makes sense, my sister is the one he had a relationship with and that’s a choice i made and it’s not like im owed anything but it’s still like. once again my sister is everyone’s favourite and im Nobody to my family unless they’re directly reminded i exist. except that like. he did remember i existed. he deliberately and specifically listed me as the backup and it was like- i felt weird about the whole thing already. Really Weird about it but this did not. make me feel Less Weird.
and it's like i just. why couldn’t the HR person from his job have read the fucking form correctly if that’s what it said this whole time. why was i listed as a CONTINGENCY beneficiary in the first place. i knew that man, i knew how his mind worked, i remember how every time i saw him when we WERE speaking he would inevitably bring up my brother and how my brother wouldn’t talk to him and how much that sucked. listing my sister for this policy and then adding me as a Backup Plan was like. this wasn’t about wanting to take care of my sister and just not thinking of me at all. so it’s like all the rest of it and now just. knowing, like knowing this was a choice he made to Punish Me for not being involved in his life. because his focus was never on what he had it was always on what he didn’t and how unfair and horrible it was that he didn’t have it. if he just hadn’t thought about me at all his partner of 11 years would be listed as the contingency if they Needed him to have one, the only reason to have put my name down like that was to Make A Point and to get back at me for walking away from him and it just?
like who does that. i cant get my mind around it. there is literally no reason for my name to have been included the way it was except to make a point and that’s what im upset about, not the inheritance stuff, it’s just. he was a vicious, petty, vindictive person and he got one last shot in to hurt me the only way he could because i wouldn’t talk to him. that letter he sent last year to my grandmothers house, this, he like. he hated me, i think. some part of him was so angry at me that he hated me and wanted to hurt me in any way he could even just by writing my name down like Not You Though, The Other One Is The One I’m Acknowledging As My Child Who I Want To Care For And Protect In The Event Of My Death, But I Need It To Be Clear It’s NOT You on paperwork he probably never thought anyone else would see. how pissed and resentful do you have to be for that to be something you think to do.
just like. was it not enough. was what he did to me when i was a kid not enough. why do things have to KEEP happening. why does he KEEP needing to find ways to hurt me as bad as possible because that is the outcome he wanted. was to hurt me as bad as he could in whatever way he could. just. what the fuck.
yknow in my like. ninth grade english class there was this one super insane day after it was made extremely clear that my teacher had no control over the class and wasn’t gonna try and rectify that where these two kids who hated each other got in this big fight like. mid-class. and the way this fight took place is one of them was shouting across the room and the other was, and this is not a joke, repeatedly changing the name of a wifi hotspot on his phone, as a way of responding to her. this is about that level of petty, immature bullshit. conducting a fight with someone by changing the name of a wifi hotspot. getting back at your bitch of a daughter who won’t talk to you by filling out HR paperwork so that it’s SUPER clear you only meant the other one and NOT this one SO THERE. etc. what a fucking child.
#long post#gav gab#gd. sorry for this. i'm still just trying to like. get my mind around it.#abuse cw#death cw
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hello, i had some maybe broad-but-vague stuff i wanted to ask to someone who knows more about ace stuff since i've been seeing a surge of related content about that topic lately, and i wondered if you might be someone i could ask? i know it's alot, and please ignore this if it makes you uncomfortable. im not trying to be hateful or anything, i just feel sort of ignorant about it all. ace stuff, specifically. until now, i always ignored people saying they were ace before, because i didnt get it and i just figured that i didnt need to get it to just mind my own business, but it seems so much more prevalent online now than it used to be, id like to understand. i dont mean to be crude, but in my mind it's like- not fucking people is the baseline. thats just how people are. like, the template of a human isn't sexual. starting point of humanity or something like that, and everything else is just extra, though as i type that i actually can see that that might be too flawed and general of an outlook, but that's the best way i can think to phrase my thoughts. so to put focus on that baseline, as an entire identity, always seemed extraneous to me? im really not sure if theres more to it that im missing to put it in some different context. i did wonder if it was to do with just like, reacting to societal expectations that everyone, idk, be sexual? or just the assumption that everyone would (or should) end up like that at some point in their life? and that's pretty fucked up, but i always just thought that was really weird of the people expecting that sort of thing, not of the people they criticized, and that if it were just a reaction that it wouldn't be considered an identity. and the same really goes for the romance stuff, in my mind. it just seems like such a non-problem to me. and that sounds alot harsher than i mean it to be, but i dont get it. its just the regular way to be, and everything else is extra, so all of the controversy is for what? it always came off as making a big deal out of nothing to me. personally, i've never felt any sort of realistic romantic or sexual attraction to another person before in my life, but (other than here) i don't go around talking about that. if the people around me went around talking about how they DID feel that stuff, i would think they were oversharing rather inappropriately. so i don't get that the difference is. it just people searching for other people who feel how they feel using "ace" as a label, a way to do that? a community thing? then why rally around that minuscule aspect of a person's being? or maybe it doesn't feel minuscule? i dont want to come off as belittling, so if theres a better way to refer to all this, please let me know. sorry for the wall of text and like i said, feel free to ignore this. i'm not trying to be an asshole and its not on you to field this sort of question, but i just want to understand. thank you for your time!
Hey anon, It's great of you to reach out and try to learn, or unlearn, some things about asexuality and aromanticism. I'm going to try to break things down a bit (this is not in the order of what you wrote)
not fucking people is the baseline. thats just how people are. like, the template of a human isn't sexual. starting point of humanity or something like that, and everything else is just extra. [...] and the same really goes for the romance stuff, in my mind. [...] its just the regular way to be, and everything else is extra
I'm honestly not sure what you mean by this. I don't believe there is a baseline template for humanity, we are too complex for that. But even if there were a baseline I would set it to what the majority of humanity experiences and I think it's safe to say that a large majority of people experience sexual and romantic attraction to others (the number that usually gets thrown around is 1% of the human population is asexual, but I do not believe this number is still up to date.) If asexuality were the norm then the asexual community would not have this many struggles with medical doctors (here, read this great article that just came out for some context).
That being said - you can view humanity this way if you want, I'm not going to say it's wrong. Just be aware that most people do not see it this way, and that many reactions people have when first learning about asexuality and aromanticism shows how much they view it as something unnatural, abnormal and something to be fixed.
if the people around me went around talking about how they DID feel that stuff, i would think they were oversharing rather inappropriately.
Most people I know experience romantic and sexual attraction as a normal part of their life, and they talk about it a lot, which I don't necessarily consider to be oversharing. Relationships and crushes and heartbreak and sex are important topics for many people, to the point where I would claim that a considerable amount of time goes into writing songs and books and movies and other media about it. Most coming-of-age stories involve romance and sex as milestones, most "humanizing the monster" stories involve falling in love as a proof of humanity, most commercials use sex-appeal to make people buy shit. All of this is integrated into everyday life, so all of this can make aspec people feel alienated and othered, even before they find the aro/ace labels.
When I was a teenager people wouldn't stop talking about sex, it was a way to measure your worth, so I felt.. worth less than my peers. Now I'm an adult and the older I get the more being single and unmarried is seen as a personal failure.
All this is to say that in my experience sexual and romantic attraction are not quiet aspects of society. And, for the record, I don't talk about my orientation much with people outside of my close family, even when it makes things awfully awkward because my disinterests does not go unnoticed, and is very much seen as an oddity.
so to put focus on that baseline, as an entire identity, always seemed extraneous to me. [...] it just people searching for other people who feel how they feel using "ace" as a label, a way to do that? a community thing? then why rally around that minuscule aspect of a person's being?
Why do you think any identity label exists? They are there to help us understand ourselves, to help us explain ourselves to others and to help us find others with similar experiences so we can feel less isolated. We live in a heteronormative society where everyone is assumed to perform sex and romance in a very strict and narrowly defined manner. People that fall out of that norm tend to struggle on many different, complex levels. Asexual and aromantic people are not exempt from these struggles. For some being ace and aro does not have a large impact on their lives and that's fine, for others it does have a large impact - that's what the community is for, and that's what the labels are for. For me personally, being aroace impacts a lot of my life. It influences my politics, my living situation, how I approach friendships, my decisions for my future.. it is not something trivial.
i did wonder if it was to do with just like, reacting to societal expectations that everyone, idk, be sexual? or just the assumption that everyone would (or should) end up like that at some point in their life? and that's pretty fucked up, but i always just thought that was really weird of the people expecting that sort of thing, not of the people they criticized, and that if it were just a reaction that it wouldn't be considered an identity.
No, I do not believe that is the origin of the asexual and aromantic identity. It is certainly a source of aphobia and a much needed point of conversation, but asexuality and aromanticism would continue to exist in a society in which this were not a problem, the same way homosexuality will continue to exist when the world is no longer homophobic, and heterosexuality exists right now in a world that is not "heterophobic". I also want to gently add here that the belief that asexuality is a "reactionary" identity due to an oversexualized society is one I've almost exclusively seen in radical feminism circles, just something to keep in mind when following such train of thought.
Everyone is free to decide the degree to which experiencing little to no sexual/romantic attraction impacts their life and if they want to view it as something important or not. But to generalize and say that it doesn't matter on a societal scale rings false. I highly recommend just listening to more aromantic and asexual people's experiences in society to get a feeling of how it impacts our lives.
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as i said previously i recently reread my oversharing mental illness fic in its entirety for the first time probably since i wrote it. well i had a psychiatrist appointment the next day and the combination of those two events is kind of making my head spin. its surreal how that fic captures a moment in time. i feel like i left a message for myself, and in that message there was a sort of hopeful prediction.
its the future now and i havent satisfied that prediction exactly. im doing ok though, im actually doing really well, and so theres a lot of overlap between the path i wrote and my path through reality. but maybe what i wrote was too optimistic and somewhat oversimplified.
i told my psychiatrist i havent had any thought blocking at all lately. she said yes, i observed that too. its simple, its easy to describe, its easy to notice. but in terms of how central to my experience of this "illness" it is, its really far in the periphery. in the fic i focused on it because it was easy. i regret that a little bit, but at the same time its in line with reality. descriptive psychiatry treats people like objects to be observed.
to me the purely internal parts are much more relevant to my experience. thought blocking comes for a moment and leaves, but im talking about things that permeate my entire existence. right now those are also the parts that are lingering. so the medication has reduced it not completely but just to the point where its invisible. and maybe the fic does predict this, since its rains pov and we cant see what dew experiences.
#i still cant tell if it would be cathartic to write some dew pov stuff#it might be too intimate#we will see
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Intro <3 !
I go by Michelangelo or any variation of that
(usually michael/mikey but names dont mean much to me)
but i recently found out that i'm the host of a system so if any tags are signed off with a different name thats why
dont care too much abt pronouns but i typically use he/him, ve/vir, and xe/xir/xem. mix it up, get creative. typically dont use she/her but ynever know
body is 21, we're an aries if u wanna make any judgement off of that, autistic + adhd if that wasnt obvious
i do post occasional nfsw/suggestive content, never anything too crazy but if youre a minor id prefer if you didnt interact with those posts, i have no way of enforcing this as i dont check my notifs unless theres tags but i am a full adult, i do pay rent and bills and taxes. on that topic i probably wont follow you if youre under like. 16/17ish. no hard feelings i just am an adult and im not around kids very much as the 2nd youngest of 4 so. if youre under 16 dont do drugs stay in school all that good stuff. i love you, go to bed on time. i've been on this website since i was 11 and it shows. dont be me.
dms are always open ! i'm not amazing at holding a conversation unless its abt my current hyperfixation (rn its zelda/lu) but i love to yap. if you follow me and we're not mutuals dm/ask me and ill follow back! I don't rly pay attention to my followers so i typically don't follow ppl unless theyre consistently posting abt one of my interests and i remember to
I talk in the tags a LOT feel free to <- prev or rb addressing my tags but i typically assume no one will read them all the way through. i'm writing whole essays. im oversharing. call op a college admissions office bc I'm telling my whole life story. if my tags make you uncomfortable on your post please let me know and i will apologize/delete them if you wish. i dont have a concept of tmi and tend to misread/miss social cues/the vibes so i apologize if i misstep
please let me know if i reblog any stolen artwork/ai generated anything/ etc
‼️‼️i am not spoiler free for anything (even if i myself havent seen the content) i dont have any sort of tagging system ‼️
list of my active fandoms! old hyperfixations tend to creep up on me so this is not complete
- bungo stray dogs (bsd beast fans pls follow me i adore beast)
- legend of zelda (all games + lu/links meet aus)(legend fans pspspsp)
- the witcher (mainly the show but i got attached to a character thats not even actually in any of the games. aiden i love you.)
- cars (2006, 2011, 2017)(yes entirely unironically)
- Voltron legendary defender. (again. yes. unironically.)
- star wars (mainly the main series and animation since i havent read thr or played the games)
- jujutsu kaisen (2nd years stan)
- the magnus archives (gerry delano fans i love you)
- percy jackson (mainly the books and musical, i dont care for the show much but i adore the actors)
- gravity falls ! (i actually just got into this like, last month. binged the whole series in like a week at age 21.)
- my hero academia (my hs best friend made me watch s1 and i got attached to aizawa hawks and the todorokis sorry)(im convinced the todorokis were based on my family. im literally natsuo. dont ask abt dabi unless u think you're prepared)
Non Fandom Interests
- I write ! once i start uploading ill link my ao3 here but its rough out here (microsoft word)
- I draw ! i mightve posted my art a few times but as i mentioned i dont have any tagging system so maybe I'll make one for art or link another social at some point
- this mostly falls under loz but i love video games :3 i MOSTLY play loz but animal crossing, minecraft, and random silly da games ive collected over the years are my pride and joy. i want to play the witcher games but i have assassins creed black flag and im really bad at it. (i only have nintendo consoles (ds, 3ds, switch) rn but i want a decent pc at some point. the sims calls to me.
- Politics! my politics are very important to me as a leftist so if you're right wing we will not get along. if i find out that youre racist/homophobic/transphobic/a zionist (i am jewish)/sexist/etc i will probably block you. id say no hard feelings but i dint mean that.
I will probably update this as needed/whenever i remember to <3 ty if u read this and i love you have a great day
#im so sorry yona apologist post this is more important in my silly little mind#I AM STILL A YONA APOLOGIST SHE DID NOTHING WRONG#SHES MY WIFE AND I LOVE HER
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o wtf haha I didn’t even know that was a thing and that’s so weird that I was looking 4 u at that exact time!! I hope ur ok btw!! Luv u <3
YEAH right like, not only is it a thing but what are the odds we find out it actually works together??? i literally thought to myself that no one would ever know djkasldks...
but i'm fine i think!! just a little bit in my head, u know??? i lub u 2 tho, forever and ever🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
#i just wanted to know if theres a way to deactivate without deactivating#not gonna do it tho probably#i literally have none of my works backed up LOOOL#i mean i have drafts but barely any final edits#but thats not the point#honestly im just having a hard time responding to ppl rn#i feel very tongue tied and guilty abt it#i literally wanna be like... NO MORE COMPLIMENTS ❌❌❌#even tho i only get like 2 a week ldjsasaksd#but i know it only gets worse with isolation#responding i mean#but anyway#not to overshare#i feel better now tho and I LOVE UUUUUUUUUU#ask#anon#caitie chats
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gosh i really fucking wish i didnt care so much what other people think
#in todays episode of ‘nathalie rants and hopes people will give her attention bc if it’: why the fuck does my art suck#also why am i so focussed on numbers#i love art and drawing and painting but i just really fucking wish people would actually see it and tell me they liked it or something#ive been stuck just below 200 on my art ig for over a week now and its SO frustrating oh my god#also my art never gets any fucking notes on tumblr#and i know i complain about this a lot but its just so frustrating to me#you see all this lovely art gettig 100s of notes on tumblr meanwhile my art struggles to get 30 notes from which 3 are self reblogs#and its like ? what am i doing different? what is it that im doing that is just going completely fucking wrong#why do all these amazing artists get 100s of notes and i stuggle yo get 30#no matter how much i practice of how much time i spend on a drawing or whatever it just always fucking flops#and dont even come at me telling me to stop complaining bc getting notes isnt why i should be drawing in the first place#bc if i did that i wouldve stopped drawing a year ago after my first digital painting flopped#its like. i love drawing and i love what i create (sometimes) and i just really fucking want other people to also feel that love for it#but no one fucking does bc ig i do something wrong in art and im#all stuck up on numbers anyways so waht does it matter right#im just rambling at this point sorry#theres too much on my mind and idk what to do about it#im oversharing already anyways and i doubt anyone is reading this far SO LETS discuss that as well right why the fuck not#whats on my mind: christmas time sucks. im working too much and the day i get off im forced to see family and act fancy even though all i#wanna do is sleep. too much school work. my specialisation is nearly ending and i suddenly have a bunch of deadlines and exams and i worry i#cant do any of it bc im CONSTANTLY WORKING. next to my specialisation being a big burden i also still havent found an internship which im#supposed to be starting in a little over a month. chances are i wont find one and ill waste half a year of my life and 2k#then theres the thing of ‘what is my mental health doing’ where im proper confused as to whats going on in my head but im too chicken to see#a doctor about it. and to top it all of theres the lovely sexuality crisis constantly in the back of my mind. who am i attracted to? am i#even attracted to people at all? am i actually ace/aro or do i really just have to ‘meet the right person’ who the fuck knows? not me#well thats it. the end. im gonna go back to my deadline stress bye#nathalie rants
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Hi ms ally id like to request an mha matchup if thats okay?(also i hope i got your probouns right and im sorry if i didnt😰😰)
Im not sure if i sent an ask beforehand this,my interest was shit so im not sure if it went through,if it did please feel free to delete this ask!
My name’ s jaya and I’d like to request a matchup? From both bnha and aot, but either one is fine if its a trouble.
My name is Jaya im 17 years old and im of average height with black hair that goes just a teeny bit below my shoulder and dark eyes. im also a little round/ chubby and my pronouns are she/ her, and im questioning but leaning more towards bisexuality.
Personality- wise, im an ENFP- T and id say im an ambivert. i mostly try to match the energy of the person im with and i always try( empasis on the try) to understand other people’s points of view. my friends say im quite morbid and funny and that im easy talk to. i also like self deprecating because my, perhaps very flawed, logic is that if i put myself down no one else can!
And i also dont mind making myself the butt of the joke. also if theres and issue or problem i like to talk it through and i also sometimes try to solve other peoples problems. i can also be nosy at times but not too much. and sometimes if i see someone sad i try to make them feel better or at lest want to.
Likes:- i like reading, writing, listening to music and sometimes drawing. i also like spending time alonte in my room and talking to myself. i like lots of fandoms and also I really like tumblr and my tumblr and irl friends. i enjoy little easter eggs in my day to day life, like trying something new because one of my favorite fictional characters liked it and so on. i also like closet cosplaying! also i like bubble tea and sleeping. and also staying up until the wee hours of the morning
Dislikes:- i dont like people who are fake and people who make me angry and i dont like it when people try to push their beliefs and ideologies onto me. i hate it when people say that lgbtqi people don’t deserve rights and i hate it when people use religion to justify shitty things they do. i also hate it when my boundaries are ignored and pushed past.
Good qualities:- i think im open minded, and i dont like to discriminate people. i tend to defend people i care about, be it fictional or irl, and id like to think im understanding.
Bad qualities:- im rude sometimes and i cuss wayy too much. i get attached to people really fast and im very insecure and always questioning if people are genuine. i also ask lots of annoying questions and ( for instance ) if, let’ s say, someone were to compliment me id ask them why they say that and what led them to think that about me. im sometimes selfish and im stubborn. i can also be blatantly disobedient sometimes. im also not good at hiding my emotions.
Id also say im too emotional. and i can get jelous and i also tend to hold grudges but not always.
I hope this is enough information and i hope i didnt overshare.
Thank you and if you dont wanna please feel free to delete my ask!
Congratulations and Thank You once again and i hope you have a lovely day/ evening/ afternoon/ night/ time!
I’m sorry this took so long for me to do 😭😭❣️
I Match You With…
Denki Kaminari
Bring you bubble tea whenever you guys hang out
fake proposes to you every time you guys go on a date just to see your reaction (he does it in the most dramatic way possible)
goes & sees you just so he can take a nap with you
likes to binge watch your guys favorite show wirh you
likes to hold ur hand in public & will give it little squeezes just so you will look at him
Connie Springer
Will let you rant to him about anything & even if he doesn’t understand it he will try his best to make you feel better
will do anything to make you forgive him if he does something to make you mad because he HATESSS seeing you upset especially at him
Sasha loves you & will steal you away from him so you two can hang out
Loves answering any question you may ask him
is very protective of you but it’s only because he cares about you so much
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📓 !!
Okay im so excited please know I think about How The Light Gets In's world every day still, and so anyways here is a side story I want to write but there's a lot of set up regarding the reader and eef becoming friends again. For context, they were incredibly close around 2014-2017, but people were getting creepy and invasive and demanding about their friendship (think 2012 toxic side of the Phandom, if that makes sense), and a lot of the reader's relationships were strained at that time because while they had been successful before, they were absolutely blowing up after their first album released and they became far more mainstream. They felt like they were bothering the people they had become closest to, both because they're worried that they're a bother, and because gossip rags and paps would harrass their friends looking for a scoop, and so they ended up just completely cutting off contact without warning one day right before they went on their first tour. the start of HTLGI is about 3 years since they'd been in proper contact with any of the creators they were close to at that time.
DON'T LOOK AT ME on their 2017 ep Hyperfocus was a more general song in response to everything that had been happening in their life around that time, with a focus on how they stop associating with anyone for a while, without outright addressing it, but on their latest album n o s t a l g i a, read at 5am ft. Troye was specifically written at the start of quarantine, when the reader was getting back into YouTube, about their feelings regarding how their friendship with ethan ended, as they spent a lot of this time looking back of their YouTube career, and he was the person they were closest to for a very long time, before they iced everyone out.
OKAY SO THERES MORE OF THE BACKGROUND OF THE WHOLE FIC AND THE READER BUT
Werewolf Ethan & Mark. I'm sorry I don't make the rules. They have golden retriever energy you cannot change my mind. But also because this is the HTLGI you know that supernatural characteristics are able to be activated rather than just triggered by the full moon. What I'm trying to say is since this is set in the year of Unus Annus, they film a video together that's like, you know that show where a person has to try and outwit a professional tracker? Except its the reader being tracked by two werewolves at night in a national park. Reader is wearing some sort of night vision camera on themselves so whenever it cuts to them the audience can't actually see how they're using their powers, if that makes sense.
Also the reader agreed to this knowing it would probably be when they ended up telling Mark and Ethan about them being a demon.
Video is titled Hunting Down An Old Friend
A few Moments that the boys edit out:
The reader using their stupidly sharp prehensile tail to swing from tree branches, though they leave in shots where the reader's tail can't be seen.
Knowing that with the werewolves having advanced hearing, the reader would give themselves away by talking to the camera, they take a few minutes having flown up to a high tree branch, to pull out a notebook and do a little sketch of how Mark and Ethan appear in their Demon True Sight, and holding it up to their camera.
Werewolves being one of the animals who can kind of sense demons without being able to identify them, essentially like dogs can sense natural disasters and are often good judges of character, this can be heightened on command for werewolves. There's about 15 minutes of footage cut out of the boys discussing or mentioning how this place has awful vibes and that they should have done this during the day. It gets worse as they get closer to the reader, who didn't realise that the boys hadn't thought to ever use that particular power around them before.
("I say this with so much love and appreciation for you, dude," Ethan yells, looking up at you from the base of the tree they'd finally found you in, "but I- this is making me anxious I feel like something terrible's gonna happen, and we should probably get out of here and film the rest of the video back at Mark's." And behind him, Mark's nodding, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, eyes scanning the trees for whatever was most likely the cause of this terrible impending doom.
Oh. It's you. And they don't know its you.
Now or never, you suppose.
"Can you cut the cameras for a second? You're going to be fine I promise," you called back, and though they obligingly did, they both seemed antsy. You cleared your throat awkwardly, "that... that terrible feeling, that's not the park or anything in it- well I mean, it is, but it's just- it's me."
and later
"Dude your wings smell like rotten eggs."
"To YOU Ethan! And no they don't!"
"If it makes you feel better they smell like burning and rotten eggs."
"It does not."
(for reference, when enhancing their sense of smell werewolves can kind of distinguish various supernatural creatures, or parts of supernatural creatures. Some creatures have an inherent scent, but some, like angels and demons, only have distinct scents when they've activated certain attributesor abilities; demon wings smell like fire and brimstone, which unfortunately means burning and rotten eggs. I like to think angels wings are like the love potion in Harry Potter that smells like the things you love the most. Mark and Ethan usually don't enhance it around each other because they smell like wet dog to the other)
This gets about 2k notes on tumblr. The reader likes it:
Ethan finally finding Y/N at the end of Hunting Down An Old Friend (2020) Colourised.
Other things to note regarding all this:
It takes a while to rebuild their friendship to the point where they're comfortable enough to be on camera together (eef and reader specifically).
However, the Unus Annus video is the first thing they properly do together, and the reader, in an effort to connect more and make up for the past, will join in multiplayer gaming streams if asked.
Impromptu duet in proximity Among Us of Young Volcanoes by Fall Out Boy, which has their respective chats and fandoms losing their minds, except it stops abruptly after the first chorus as they both remember the opening lines of the second verse (make it easy, say I never mattered -- those lyrics hit a little too close to home)
But also the reader convinces him to join him for a proper cover in like, February of 2021, and it's something deeply sappy (I'm thinking Bon Iver by mxmtoon because I think its sweet and fits them well)
Also Ethan being reminded that the reader is kind of a much bigger deal than when they'd been friends before.
designed to hurt (touch me) from their ep Working On It is nominated for a Grammy for Track of the Year, and n o s t a l g i a wins Best Pop Album (because it's my fic and I said so)
FIRST OF ALL designed to hurt (touch me) is a beautifully produced song about Corpse (which people do not know) and the title itself is literally making fun of something he said IMAGINE his reaction to it being Grammy Nominated 😂😂😂 God he'd be proud but lowkey fuming, meanwhile the moment the nominations are announced the reader tweets:
me: here is an album where I processed my entire world view including heartfelt explorations of the trauma of existing and oversharing in the public eye from a young age without the traditional barrier between audience and entertainer
the grammys: that's cute BUT you know the song you wrote to bully your boyfriend and also be horny on main for him before you guys were even dating? THAT deserves its own recognition.
meanwhile Ethan's like..... this is the same person who I filmed a video with playing cards against humanity, and you laughed so hard you almost threw up. I am very proud but deeply confused.
The Hot Meme of Late April 2021 is "2 time Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N" with a gif, still, or quote from the reader where they're just being an absolute chaos gremlin.
Of course we have "If I bleached my asshole for charity I'd do it tastefully."
2 Time Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N speaking to their actual boyfriend in the year of our lord 2020: You are being executed for Clown Crimes.
ethan posts a short video to twitter simply of his screen where he's renaming a folder from "Never Before Seen Images of Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N" simply changing it to 2 time Artist. The reader responds specifically to his tweet with a video of themselves asking Google how to hard reset someone else's computer.
So many screenshots from old videos surface that week.
I miss this world. Sorry this is rambly!!
#shut ur pretty mouth#how the light gets in#corpse husband x reader#your local homosexual with no chill#htlgi
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Lone star better square the hell up if they think we are just gonna accept this lame ass apology from Owen. It’s not nearly enough and the real apology that TK deserves. He has probably lived with this relationship with Owen his entire life or at least majority of it and that’s so sad. He seems so used to this that he just sat back and continued on with the intervention. I know that comment still hurts TK because of how he even brought it up. They need to circle back to this because I’m genuinely wondering what it’s gonna take for Owen to actually act like a good father. Loving your kid isn’t enough- you actually have to actively try to be a good parent. As in- remember they exist even when TK isn’t hurt or something. As in, don’t twist things around and play victim. All TK does is love his dad and yeah he gets frustrated with Owen because who wouldn’t but he still is always there. Owen straight up acted like TK didn’t exist when he thought Gwyn’s baby was his. He only said he would schedule the surgery because ‘he’s gonna be a dad’. He only jumps into father mode when TK was shot and kidnapped. Every other time??? It’s like oh TK is mad at me that’s why he is being a paramedic now. Like dude have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s not all about you? He just wanted the switch to the paramedic job because he likes it. These little moments add up and make me wanna yell at Owen FOR tk
anon, we are in agreement. god, I want to get tk by the shoulders and tell him that owen’s bullshit is absolutely not his fault and he has done way more than should have been expected of him. then id like to slap Owen upside the head and frogmarch him into therapy. very regular therapy.
you’ve brought up a lot of interesting things here so im going to stick most of my thoughts under a cut.
ultimately I think that the things that underscore the problems of TK and Owen’s relationship are Owen’s inconstancy and unreliability. I think theres a decent splash of narcissism in there too, which leads to him pressuring and gaslighting people, unloading his problems on random people, making himself the victim in any given confrontation, and also his misguided heroism stunts. but the root of him and TK having a fractured relationship comes from TK being unable to rely on Owen. (and hoo boy does that make me emotional about the fact that TK finally has someone he can completely rely on with Carlos)
so your first point:
this lame ass apology from Owen
honestly there were two weak apologies that stuck out to me - the first being the one during the intervention about Owen ‘going to be a father’ - yay, acknowledgment - but TK deserves an proper apology, one that doesn’t feel offhand, and not when Owen feels pressured by the environment. im sure im not the only one that felt that comment was disingenuous - it didnt feel at all like Owen actually felt sorry, or understood the damage he’d done. and then again in the vets - it felt pointed to me that TK had to confirm Owen was still going to go through with the surgery after buttercup turned out to be okay. he understandably doesn’t trust Owen to hold himself to his promises, even one he made in the last five minutes, and I think that reflects on how he views the apologies - if Owen can flip back and forth on promises about his own health, what’s stopping him from giving insincere apologies?
He has probably lived with this relationship with Owen his entire life or at least majority of it and that’s so sad. He seems so used to this
yeah I think you’re absolutely right - I think everything about their relationship, including TK’s anxieties about Owen’s unreliability, stem from him feeling left behind during his childhood (something I talked about a lot here - I wrote that a few months ago but I stand by a lot of it). and those anxieties really came out this ep because Owen keeps being incredibly inconstant this season. (not inconstant as in inconsistent characterisation, inconstant as in an unreliable character)
something I mentioned in some of my tags yesterday (and that I want to really dive into more specifically at some point) was the emotional labour that I suspect TK has had to shoulder in order to maintain their relationship. Owen has been this consistently absent figure, so TK has worked himself into Owen’s work life to be physically close to him, but Owen’s emotional distance has meant TK has taken up the emotional work too in order to maintain their relationship, and that has kind of allowed them both to pretend to themselves that they have a good relationship, with much more of the strain of maintaining that facade falling on TK.
Loving your kid isn’t enough- you actually have to actively try to be a good parent.
everything you said here. absolutely. loving someone does not equal having a healthy relationship with them, and TK and Owen definitely dont have that. TK is evidently so hyper aware of how much Owen has ignored him when it suits him - it kills me to see the way that comment about being a father has obviously been eating at him for weeks - and I really hate how controlling Owen gets when TK is in danger, but then is so utterly absent when TK’s in a good place, or even bitter and hostile when TK makes positive choices for himself. again, I talked about this in detail in this post - basically, Owen has major control issues and dude needs therapy.
don’t twist things around and play victim.
oh man, this shit pissed me off. like, I get that the subjects of interventions often have hostile reactions, but gaslighting Mateo after pressuring him into drinking and emotionally unloading on him? holy shit Owen, no. and making himself to be the victim of situations that have nothing to do with him, like TK becoming a paramedic or oversharing to the vet and the kid sitting on the roof. like, I understand that mental illness can lead you to taking shitty actions, but it still makes them shitty actions.
They need to circle back to this because I’m genuinely wondering what it’s gonna take for Owen to actually act like a good father.
yeah! I dont know what to think about this in the show, because knowing the way the show heroises Owen, I don’t know whether they’ll feel that they need to address it further than those pathetic apologies. that said, we’ve got Owen and this arson case next week and there does seem to be a tone that shows Owen as an idiot, and frames him as wrong for going against the rules and trying to sneak into a crime scene. if im right, then there would be scope for this to be an overall arc of Owen learning to become self aware and understand that he is not the centre of the universe. I just hope the show bothers to do that.
in the immortal words of Michelle Blake: Owen, get a therapist!
#911 lone star#911 lone star spoilers#episode chat 2x10#fandom discussion#owen strand#tk strand#the strands#owen strand critical#I dont mind flawed characters#and the fact that they were addressing it (kinda) made me happy#and thats partly why I didnt mind Owen this ep#a has thoughts
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(This is a positive post even if feelings expressed are intense)
Oop im oversharing again (warning: kinda trauma dumpy)
DUDE i am SICK of codepent tendencies in romantic situations. I am OVER IT. I am SICK of my emotions being dependent on if the other person still likes me, i am SICK of my sense of self worth being tied to whether or not a person wants to talk to me, IM SO SICK OF BEING CODEPENDENT OH MY GODDDD im so fucking over this "im not okay if youre not okay, how i feel and view myself is entirely dependent on how you feel and how you treat me" BULLSHIT. I want my trauma to evaporate NOW and for my healthy healed heart to be RIGHT NOWWW but I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THATS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE and now any romantic relationship i start is inherently unhealthy for me, even if that person is actually super normal and reasonably healthy themselves, BECAUSE MY STUPID BRAIN HAS STUPID HABITS IDK HOW TO FIX.
You know u have to get the point of being really absolutely fucking DONE with something in order to truly begin removing it from your life, so this feeling of hatred for this stupid thought process is a good thing, but oh my god i am just FED UP right now
One time i read someone on here say something (much more concisely than me) about drawing or writing or developing any skill "there is a time where you have no skill and just draw, and you dont know that it's bad and you're proud. But the further you go and the better you get at it, the more you learn about what makes good art, you grow your skill. but the more you grow your skill, the more you notice the flaws in your work. This can take a toll and become frustrating, your work seems ugly no matter what you do because you know how it should be but your skill isnt there to make it so yet. This transitionary period is encouraging though, because it means you have surpassed being a novice and learned enough to know how to improve. If you stick with it through these growing pains, eventually you will see yourself become a master at this skill and accomplish the quality of work that you want. You now know enough to know whats wrong and can put in the effort to fix it."
Theres levels to learning a skill:
Being bad at it, unknowingly
Being bad at it, knowingly (the hardest one to overcome)
Becoming better at it
Being good at it
So i guess i'll take it as an encouraging sign that im so frustrated and fed the fuck up with my unhealed pieces that still aren't as well-trained in being healthy as I would like them to be. it means ive gained enough knowledge to know whats not right and im just practicing as much as i can so that my skill can catch up with what my brain knows. But god i just hate waiting for it. Im bad at interdependence and healthy relationships knowingly now, so at least i can be encouraged that im gonna get good at them soon.
#Very fucking personal lmao#Tumblr is my diary bc the culture of this app is so anonymous#My fave social media bc everyone is a person but it feels like we're in our own crevice with no shame or fear of judgement#We call this a hellsite constantly but truly it's the garden of eden and we walk naked unabashedly#Also like i said im frustrated asf but know that this is an ultimately good thing#So i don't feel horrible#I just needed to vent lol#If ur reading this u don't have to be worried about me or if im okay#I just needed to get it off my chest#Thank u for listening and being a safe space#Traumadumping#Oversharing
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y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories
what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???
ye
alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".
so lets just get into it:
what is adhd actually?
adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.
long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).
theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.
hyperactive type
hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)
hyperfocus type
hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.
personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different.
so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?
well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:
raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age
lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.
social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.
raz and his borderline stupidity
time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.
i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.
empathy over sympathy
one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and
although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.
miscommunication and disconnect
sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.
alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd. this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be v e r y enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k
of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:
he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information.
just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?
this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾e̴͑̈́̐̈́͘͠��͇̬ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.
so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess
:^)
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i am genuinely such a bad person. down to my absolute core, i am absolutely awful. im so toxic and manipulative and always searching for attention. i need other ppls validation to feel good abt myself, otherwise i feel like nothing but a fraud. thats why i overshare so much, i need ppl to validate that what i went thru was bad otherwise what happened was nothing. im convinced im lying abt everything, i dont know whats real or not anymore. i could just be typing this into the void and just be tricking myself into thinking ppl care. any one of my countless attempts couldve worked, n i wouldnt necessarily know. anything i did before my death didnt matter, and whatever im doing now after my death doesnt matter either. i hold no meaning in life at this point. im just good to be hurt and hurt others. i do my best not to turn into any of the abusers, but deep down ik im just as rotten as them. i say things w/o thinking and w no second thought, i hurt others. i tell myself what im doing is bad n do everything in my power to change but it never lasts.
i keep filling my life w relationships (platonic, romantic/sexual, stronger familial bonds) and self-harm thru any number of means just to not feel as empty. but i still always feel empty. i make pathetic attempts at relapses and addictions and its the only time i feel alright abt myself. the only time i dont hate myself is when im hurting myself. i force myself into bad situations bc ik its what would make someone else happy, and act so impulsively. im constantly on the brink of cutting off all relationships and isolating myself from ppl i consider loved ones. ik it would be better for everyone but then who would give me that validation i so terribly need? i mute messages and chats bc i know ill snap at ppl one of these times. im constantly getting annoyed and irritated at other ppl showing me that they care for me or checking on me or claiming to love me. i dont know if any of these ppl mean anything to me honestly. i dont know if im actually capable of caring for another person and loving them unconditionally. someone says one thing that i cant process healthily, and suddenly im on edge around them and feel like i cant trust them. everyone is lying to me. they cant possibly care for me, im too bad of a person.
i deserve to hurt. i deserve all the pain ive received, i deserve even more. i wish it could just be an endless cycle of abuse so that way i actually have a meaning and a purpose. im nothing but a sick child right now, but ppl just love to hurt sick children like me. i have no value to myself, but maybe if im able to please someone else i wont hate myself so much. just maybe. i dont know what its like to love myself. there are times ill love one or two things abt myself but in the end, theres more things i despise than like even the slightest. im nothing but bitter and broken, i shouldnt hurt ppl like i do but all ive known is that hurting makes ppl feel valuable. is that how i show my love?
i cant get myself to care when ik i should. im either way too empathetic or show no empathy at all. as soon as someone else is struggling, i have to do everything i can to help. otherwise, whats the point? if i cant help others, why do i exist? but once their venting gets too repetitive or they dont listen to anything i say, i snap. i say things i shouldnt say to a struggling person. then i go and vent abt the same exhausting things, day in and day out, and always expect them to help me. i struggle and blame it on everyone but myself. im a god, and can do no wrong. i cant get better as long as someone else i love is struggling. i cant possibly be the "okay" one, i dont know what thats like. i dont know what being "okay" is like. i have to be the worst one, have the worst struggles and receive the most sympathy. ik its bad but i cant change it, no matter how hard ive tried.
ive done everything i can to get help. ive tried everything and nothing works. the only time i felt "alright" was during the times i was being hurt bc at least then i was pleasuring someone, making someone feel good. theres no hope anymore, im done trying. why do i even bother? i might as well give in, do every bad thing, cut everyone off, ruin any relationships i have, and damage myself even further. in the end it doesnt matter. ill die tragically at a young age (assuming i havent already died) due to myself but at least then it will be over. beyond my death it doesnt matter. i give up. once ppl know abt the things ill be doing, theyll leave me too. then i have freedom to hurt. hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt. hurting is all ik n i might as well reclaim it and do everything to myself. then ill have all the power. ill be the powerful one, not any of them. ill be god.
whats wrong w me?
#finch#tw abuse#tw vent#sorry this is heavy im just struggle#tw suicide#i nearly jumped in front of the train today#n also off the overpass#but i didnt?#n i went home n continued living normally as if nothing happened#im so empty
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Hi I feel really stupid putting this here but im really scared of men and it's getting in the way of me living my life. I feel like Im being continually manipulated by p much everyone with how they expect you to act normal around men even though you know exactly what they think about you and I'm also familiar with crime stats etc. Like a while ago I was subletting a room in a family house and got fairly close with the landlord, a few months later my doc switched my meds and I started getting tbc
2/those random pseudo manic spells where id couldn't think straight, would overshare and act impulsively and he used them to try to talk about sex w me and offered to get me a sex toy (and he made me admit I was gay too) and said he was going through sth. And earlier I got in a bit of trouble with my uni and I had noone to turn to so I sobbed in his kitchen and he kind of hugged me but in this creepy way. He said we were friends and that I was intelligent and he knew I was vulnerable, lonely tbc, and had no self esteem whatsoever. And obviously I know that I'm lucky he didn't do anything but Ive met so many messed up men in adulthood and I'm 23. most of all I'm scared of sadists and sociopaths, I've had this vision of getting kidnapped and held somewhere against my will since I was a kid. And its gradually getting worse at this point I can't disclose any personal info w/o feeling like I'm setting myself up for getting hurt. Idk if theres like a middle point between paranoia and caution. also I'm sorry for sending so many messages in and whining about that minor incident. I hope you're doing well. Don't feel obligated to respond if you don't feel like it
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Hi, regardless of your past and your encounter with messed up men I feel like you should know this important thing : you don’t have to let them in your life. You can avoid them as much as possible. No woman is obligated to have men other than those in her family in her life, even as friends. It seems to me like the man you’re talking about is not someone you’d want to keep in your life, he is creepy, super invasive and make sexual suggestions already (”I would overshare and act impulsively and he used them to try to talk about sex w me and offered to get me a sex toy (and he made me admit I was gay too)”) all of that is red flags. You are already scarred by men so don’t put yourself in situations that are triggering to you, you can find a comforting shoulder in a female friend rather than a creepy male. Prioritise your well-being, if you aren’t able to see properly when the attitude of a man is dangerous, creepy, then maybe the solution is to just trust women. This is more than enough and it’s something a lot of women are doing as well. Xx
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im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again
theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌
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read this if you would like to know whats going on
at this point all of the joy and happiness that I had found in this fandom is pretty much gone. this whole “kaz and the darkling are father and son haha” joke that I started was just supposed to be purely funny, because tumblr is a place to have fun and make shitty crack head canons and talk about books and writing and all of that. for those of you calling me an idiot, I know these characters are not similar outside of their aesthetics. it was all just supposed to be a joke. to have fun.
people somehow were so annoyed and disgusted by me and my posts that they were “gonna leave the fandom over it”. I saw a post and I tried to brush it off even though it really hurt me that people were “subtweeting” about me in a sense because this fandom is relatively small so its obviously hard not to see everyones posts. but I tried to brush it off.
then funnily enough after this I got a bunch of messages all at once saying to kill myself, to delete my blog, that I was a worthless piece of shit, that I dont deserve to live, etc etc. I was honestly in shock because I had never gotten any kind of hate like that before. then I go into comments on this post and theres people in the comments saying what an idiot I am and how annoying my posts are...
heres the thing that hurts me the most. we can have a difference in opinion, I get that. it happens. people hate the darkling, whatever. but im over here just having some harmless fun with other people, if you're so bothered by seeing my posts on your dash every once and a while then just block me or something? or ignore it? instead you make a public post about it and make me feel like shit for just having fun. you have to realize im an actual human being behind this blog.
to the amazingly kind people in my inbox telling me to kill myself- I dont need other people telling me to kill myself. im suicidal, i’ve tried to kill myself twice already without you fucking telling me that I should.
people might say im overreacting or being too sensitive or whatever, and fuck I wish that I wasn’t this way, I wish I had thicker skin and didn’t care about stupid anons or accounts not liking me when I dont even know them. but tumblr was supposed to be an escape from me feeling like shit all of the time, and fuck me im oversharing, but it was supposed to be an escape from my anorexia and my depression and my anxiety and my body dysmorphia and my friends that dont care about books or writing or any of the things im interested in. this was supposed to be a place where I could talk and interact with people like me and not have to worry about anything else. and for most of my experience on here it was like that, I had such a good time making friends and talking about my favorite characters with you all.
im sitting here sobbing as im making this post because the worst part of all of this is I can't even bring myself to write another word for any of these characters, I haven’t written a single word in these past few days. I have writing prompts and fics and things that I can’t even look at because now theres such a negative connotation in my heart about everything. im sorry for letting everyone down. im sorry im so sensitive, I wish I wasn’t. im just really sorry. I have nothing else to say besides thank you for all of the kind messages I got in my inbox and messages in response to my post about leaving. but i dont know if ill come back.
just remember your words have repercussions. if this is what so many people wanted then im happy I could help by leaving.
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