#these r from like a month ago i think. dont have time 4 new art so this is all ur getting

[francy-sketches]

2 kitys

[starkissedblade]

💸💸💸💸💸

this is me just talking abt money and random stuff veeerrryy boring but i bought a pair of shoes a couple months ago for $200 and i have only wore them once i just stare at them and think about my bad spending decisions and i know i will start wearing them soon because they’re the only platform shoes i have but they’re also the most expensive shoes ive ever worn & i just die a little inside i need to get over it tho but i also thought of getting new walking shoes since ive had these ones for 5 yrs now (tbh i think the 200$ shoes r the only ones ive bought 4 myself new like all my shoes which is like only my everyday walking shoes, a pair of docs from hs, & a pair of flip flops i dont have many shoes & all were bought for me by someone else like yrs ago) and my feet r starting to get sore wearing them everyday but i think i might just buy new soles instead like these shoes still have traction.. cuz i need to buy a hair dryer and diffuser cup thing soon because im tired of air drying my hair and i want to make my wavy/slightly curly hair look presentable on the regular and not just occasionally and i need to spend money on that instead!!! but also will i do that??? i just put it off lmao it will probably be months before i actually buy something for that why does everything cost moneyyyy i feel like every day im making bad money decisions but i haven’t been That bad like 9/10 i use the stuff that i buy all the way. im physically stopping myself rn from dropping 40 something on this thing that a lot of ppl say really actually helps their cystic acne which ive had constant problems w. but i cant just do that. its 40!!!! instead i need to buy travel liquid containers that are smaller than 3 oz online cuz they usually only have big ones at walmart and i don’t need them to be That big i never do anything beyond a carry on because checked baggage is Expensive and it stresses me out on top of the expensiveness Anyway u can only have like a sandwich baggy sized thing w liquids in a carry on which is sooo annoying 😒 anyway there’s like $100 worth of stuff this yr that ive got that ive actually Really regretted like at the end of the day the new shoes r worth it for me because i’ll wear them until they break. i get so stressed over not using more than a third of the alcohol based mouthwash i got in feb because it burnt my mouth too much i get stressed over the cerave gentle cleanser i got but then it’s not what i need liked i needed the salacylic acid one instead so now that one just stares at me in its largely unused glory like i worry tooooo much but it’s also kind of good worrying because it keeps me in check cuz it makes me quadruple check if i really need something… but i do usually keep my impulse spending to the thrift which is usually a good thing. i bought a cool hat a couple days ago for a couple bucks but my head is too big :(( i need to look for a place that’ll give it away for free im done w giving stuff to goodwill or other places i just want ppl to be able to get clothes w out paying for it i hope that theres something like that around here. anyway i need to buy a really small point pen tomorrow to do this art thing for Father’s Day cuz my smallest point pen went dry yrs ago and this is the first time im picking up doing something like this in yrs like it’s for Father’s Day tho so i feel like it’s justified. and then i’ll need to get T in the next month 🚬 which has been 140 recently cuz i my state doesn’t cover it in insurance. at least insurance covers blood draws and my doctor doesn’t charge for messaging online abt stuff, so. and at least medicaid in my state covers some dental because ihave that appointment next month. and then ill be paying close to $200 for a flight ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh at least its not more than that ig. at least cheap allegiant flights r a thing . im so lucky in so many ways financially because of my mom step dad being so nice to me basically buying a car 4 me at 18 and letting me live w them rent free etc like idk how i got here i am still not used to it really i feel like its gonna be

pulled out from underneath me soon or something

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

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The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

[belovedcherie]

I posted 498 times in 2022

That's 498 more posts than 2021!

94 posts created (19%)

404 posts reblogged (81%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@luymani

@pcktknife

@tizzymcwizzy

@belovedcherie (lol its me)

@buggachat

I tagged 497 of my posts in 2022

#art - 137 posts

#reblog - 128 posts

#fav!!! - 101 posts

#cherie's chats - 69 posts

#miraculous ladybug - 64 posts

#project sekai - 56 posts

#cherie watches stuff! - 30 posts

#cherie's aesthetic - 21 posts

#spy x family - 20 posts

#splatoon - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#if i had a penny for everytime we were worried bakugou died i'd have 2 pennies which isnt a lot but its concerning that it happened twice..

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

THAT TEASER IS GOING TO PUT ME IN A DAMN COMA

9 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

#4

thoughts on multiplication

bc i need to scream about this SOMEWHERE. LIKE WOW. OKAY.

obviously spoilers are under the cut !!

tld;r: yelling abt adrien and WHAT ARE EVERYONES INTENTIONS??

ADRIEN FALLING FOR MARINETTE ADRIEN FALLING FOR MARINETTE ADRIEN FALLING FOR MARINETTE ADRIEN FALLING FOR MARINETTE

yes im gonna yell about this first because adrienette holds my HEART YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THEY R EVERYTHING TO ME </3

ive been waiting for adrien to pin for marinette in canon for so long and season 3 def delivered with the little stares he was giving her BUT NOW THAT ITS FRFR HAPPENING?? HIS BLUSH WHEN HE LOOKS AT HER IN THE MORNING? HIM IMMEDIATELY CALLING HER UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TELL HER HOW SPECIAL SHE IS? SOBBING

okay but the fact that he probs tried to kiss her every. day. we only saw 3 sequences but if that montage happened over the span of several weeks..... i am swooning. i am in tears. shambles.

adrien had me KICKING MY FEET AND RUNNING LAPS OKAY I HAD TO PAUSE SO MANY TIMESSDHFK

that being said before i write an essay on light of my life adrien lets talk abt,,,

reverse love square??

i love the idea of reverse love square bc adrien being a lovesick fool for marinette is my aesthetic but iM JUST HJDGSFSGKF BC OF THE TIMINGG

i was kinda hoping for some sudden rapid development today but im not complaining at all dw 🙏🏾 simp-drien is enough

the ladynoir moments are real cute tho :( them playing cards im cryingsdjhs

im excited to see the ship dynamic in the future episodes heheheh

GABRIEL. AGRESTE.

this man becomes more of a loser every episode what else is there to say

him digitalizing adrien.... funny... not funny haha...funny weird....

i hate when this guy gets smarter cuz he always has some wack trick up his sleeve 😔 but i wanna know more abt those weird siri rings

ALSO HOW DOES TOMOE PLAY IN THIS?? i think she knows hes hawkmoth but why is she helping him?? ik they were leading up to their partnership before so i guess we'll finally see why they were so secretive in the past!!

lie-la

i was gonna talk abt her in the gabriel point but this girl is so annoying she deserves one for herself

SHE GETS ON MY LAST NERVEEE

the genuine irritation i feel whenever i see her character on screen is actually funny

"ladybugs just a kid we need to forgive her ;(" GIRL I HOPE PARIS CAN FORGIVE U FOR THE CRIMES YOU'VE COMMITTED??

im sorry theres nothing productive to say abt her other than the fact that it seems shes going to play a bigger role this season (sadly) (but also yay cuz she brings the spice)

okay last point is abt felix

HELP WHEN HE APPEARED AT THE END 💀💀 THIS GUY WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME????

i hope and PRAY he treats dusuu well homegirls been going through it D:

WHAT. ARE. HIS. INTENTIONS.

See the full post

11 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

#3

i saw miraculous was trending and i was like OMG IS THERE FINALLY A NEW SEASON 5 EP?? but it was just beau 😭

12 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

#2

HI so um. back in 2020 kade made this meme thing and i dont think ive ever recovered from it bc I WAS SO TOUCHED LIKE 🙁 NOBODYS EVER MADE ME A MEME BEFORE

since we started talking again a month (+ a day bc i am late) ago i had the idea to make him one in return bc TALKING TO U MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND U DESERVE THE WORLD !!!

sooo here ya go @luymani ILYSM!! happy one month anniversary /p (that sounded way funnier in my head im so sorry LMAO)

13 notes - Posted August 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

thinking abt my son syaoran li ♡

See the full post

27 notes - Posted July 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[miutonium]

I can't sleep because i am lowkey nervous about tomorrow but also I just want to show yall basically my art progress (in terms of rendering) in the spam of 1 year contracting Utonium brainrot hhhh it's so surreal to see how different both of them looked like ahaha

(for guide, first pic to last, 1st week july 2021>3rd week july 2021>21st Nov 2021>9th Apr 2022)

Also witness me talking about each journey of my progress undercut lol

I cAN TOTALLY EXPLAIN THE FIRST 2 PICS. The first one is exactly from a year ago when my brainrot just started and I was like "well fuck I guess I have a new f/o now". If you ever see or feel familiar about the first art even though you prooooobably never see it,

its because it was an original picture for this redraw a few months AFTER that pic

Also if you notice, the art style for that one is totally different from others and shhh the reason it was like that is because initially I want to draw them in my actual artstyle around that time and I dont want it to follow the same artstyle like in the show. My friend said Utonium kinda reminds them of that guy from clo.udy wi th a ch.ance of meatb.alls and im like "oH SHITTT". There's more drawings of Utonium pre-brainrot era with this kind of artstyle in my folder but I don't think the world is ready for that yet lol

Anyway as I progresses to the 2nd pic, I changed my mind and was like "wait I actually WANT them to look like they're in PPG and not my own artstyle" so I slowly draw both of them to look more like the ppg style if you understand what I mean??? Althoughhhh in the 2nd pic I still want him to look a bit like my own style with my own touch and despite how much I don't like the reboot, I actually like his gray hair on his sideburns??? So if yall remember that phase and followed me from way way in the early days of this blog, I used to draw Utonium with those streaks before I gradually stopped doing that because of.... actually idk why I stopped??? I should totally add the grays back because I love it actually lol but anywayyyyyy the 2nd pic was also around july too me think? So there's probably like a few weeks gap between the actual totally real not clickbait picture of Chloe and Utonium 'together'.

That was how my render looked like for a few months until november (the 3rd pic).

So in the 3rd pic, I discovered this very magical spectacular magnificent function on CSP called t E xt U r e and holy fuck, let me tell you, I feel like I am a changed person. I was never the cringe person with mediocre render like I was, this legit marked a cultural shift in me, I just feel like I've been blessed by god himself. I spammed the fUCK OUTTA THOSE TEXTURES like it was MY BUSINESS. i pAID CSP FOR FULL PRICE I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO USE IT TO ITS FULL CAPABILITIES AND SQUEEZE IT OUT OF ALL IT'S WORTH. Although I must say, my render time after that significantly increases. By standard I used to render around 3 hours? Now this bitch took 6 fuckin hours to completely. It wasn't a daijobu era ngl 😔😔😔

And holy fuck do I have a fuckin field day with it. You think I was a changed man back then? I have ascended, I am now r e b o r n. My friends feared my, my peers stared at me, my teachers are baffled by the amount of brainrot I drew at that time. How am I real?

I rendered like that for around 4 months until I discovered something even more cooler:

B L E N D I N G M O D E

Okay jk but hhh anyway for my current render; it's kinda more like an accidental discovery? I wanted to look for ways to cut render time because it was really tiring for me to render with a fuckton of texture layers and I also wanted to emulate my fav artist's render style soooo bad (it was luoman if anyone asked) and I kinda figured out how they did it? I mean they still do it better but like I was really inspired to be like them and lemme tell you, I cried for 3 days 3 nights unpaid vacation time when I figured it out. I wasn't kidding when I say I feel like I am a new person. I am quite pessimistic tbh, I'm insecure about my art but like this is the first time in like 3 years ever I feel like I did a major progress and I feel really good.

Why did I made this post? I actually dont feel good about myself, maybe because I am nervous about my test tomorrow and I just need a quick mood boost from myself. I don't believe I did any progress. But now, after typing all of my thoughts at 3 am, after I just put art phases of my braunrot together, kinda believe I actually did progress and I am proud of myself ;w;

[bioodorange]

||How I See The Pastas||

© @frozensriracha, for some help with visuals!!

This was originally supposed to be how they looked but I decided to go for mental aspect and explain why as well PLEASE like, reblog and share your thoughts on this in the comments or inbox

Below the desciptions are images i’ve compiled and some art (if you know the creator please tell me so i can credit them) for a visual

dont forget to like reblog and share your thoughts with me, I spent a few days on this so i’d appreciate this

Jeff the Killer

So lets start with the obvious- jeffs pasty white toothpaste lookin skin

But realistically he wouldn’t be completely covered in scars

It would be blotchy, with pink fleshy patches among the burns

He most likely has contracture scars, third degree burns that turn the skin a pale white and tighten the skin

This explains his gaunt features and skin color

Now we have to take into account the vodka that was splashed on him, he’d probably have worse burns there with exposed flesh and damaged nerves

This would result in gnarly exposed skin, a damaged scalp and maybe damage to his teeth and eyes

Realistically, Jeff wouldnt have burned off his eyelids that alone would have resulted in blindness and death

Than his smile, his signatuure mark would probably be more of a gangly bloody scar mess

Pastas heal faster and aren’t really human, he’d have to recut his smile pretty frequently making it pretty jacket up because ltes be honest hes far from clean

ANd than his hait being chard black is very unlikely because as nasty as he is he s h o w e r s

not very frequnetly given his living situation and untreated burns but people can figure out how to wash hait and not much else

also i think its funny he’d shower with a plastic bag on his face to avoid getting soap in his nasty infected scars-

His hair would probably be dry and cut unevenly, more of a dark brown color with blonde undertones

Not to mention his burned scalp, hair probably wouldn’t grow there so he’d have a cool unintentional side shave

Jeff would also be a tall individual, he cant really eat, snacking on things from his victims homes giving him a more skeletal build

His personality and mindest is about as pretty as his face- but he most likely has a very screwed up headspace

Lacking in self care, maturity and sanity its fair to say he’d be a brash and violent person

Fun Fact: While researching this I learned that some versions of the joker had facial scars in the shape of a smile

Ticci Toby

So tobys age, unlike a lot of pastas, is pretty well agreed on, 19

So unlike when he was first a proxy toby most likely has stronger facial features and facial hair

Because shaving and hygiene isn’t first priority for pastas (gross-)

He stands around 5′7 and has grayish skin

Toby i feel is picky about foods, not only is it hard for him to eat its hard for him to keep food down

He’s malnourished explaining his thin figure and grayish skin

His hait is dark brown and a curlish mess, unkempt but short so it doesn’t get in his way

I’ve always seen him with a small gap in his teeth, because I can

And since toby can’t feel shit I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to eat rocks simply because he fuckin could

So some chipped teeth that are a bit uneven

Along with his CIPA and not eating enough Toby would bruise easily and have lots of scars, from things like cutting his finger on accident or getting mauled by a racoon

I wouldn’t be surpised if some of his joints were a bit screwed up, because whenever theyd beak or fracture he wouldn’t notice, this would probably happen a lot causing them to not heal correctly

One of tobys habits is nailbiting but he cant te;; when too far is too far

His fingers may be abit odd looking, knobby and discolored nails because of how exetreme his habit is

Would most likely have bandages around his fingers frequently to prevent the habit

So theres a lot of debate about tobys cheek was it the CIPA or the car accident, I beileve the accident because his other cheek is completely fine, theres damage from the OUTSIDE to inside and considering his sister died in the accident its unlikely he survived unscathed

Fun Fact: only a small handful of people have ever been diagnosed with CIPA, less than 500 (documented) cases around the world

Bloody Painter

So Helen is often seen as quiet emo painter boy 

but uh no <3

Personaly i beileve he suffers from narcisistic personality disorder, exetreme importance and that he is always victorious and gets what he wants

This sporuts from the constant heavy invalidation from classmates, toxic friends and neglect from his parents

He doesn’t hang out with people because he doesn’’t lie them its because they never let him in the past and he beileves he’s better than them

But this also links to deep rooted insecurity and social anxiety/being inept completely

Him being nice is basically so you like him, he wants validation amd admiration not love

Unlike the other pastas he’d be a more clean well kept one a helthy figure and some tattoos bevause he can

I beileve he lives in socity, finding hus victims in girls and men alike who fall for his charm

he uses hhis skill and ordinary appearance to blend in on the streets

From his behavior helen most likely keeps his hair a bit shorter and clean

He always looks his best

Has chapped, and picked at lips because of his anxieties

Aswell as his breakdowns- his identity is completely in his head, he is very unsure of who he is and takes the delusions in his mind as reality

Unrelated but paino fingers-

And finally in order for his art to be as perfect and amazing as him, he has to be apart of it

Thus using his own blood in his pieces and the body parts of those he admires

Covers his scars with clean bandgaes

But his paintings turn brown and dry out, he’s always in need of a new medium

Is most likely anemic from all the blood he looses and has a paler skintone

Clockwork

ahh yes finally someone who knows what self care is-

helen, i love you buddy but you need to stop 

But anyway natalie has a stronger, athletic build

She often chases her victims and gets in altercations, relying on strength most  of the time

on that same note, this would defintelty cause many scars on natalie

Wether it was a bite mark or scars from a kitchen knife, shes got lots of scars

A few even on her face

Now, for the clock in her eye that thing is like holding her skull together at this point, realistically

She is probably delicate and cares for it becaise 1) it hurts 2) if it gets screwed up that could cause a lot of problems

natalie would be a smart person, I wouldn’t be surprused if she had a few other stray stitches or bandgaes wrapped around a fresh wound

For more visual-ish things uh m u l l e t (credit: @cum-looking-sock-mf in a chat like 4 months ago)

She has one, fight me on it

but also thick and curlish hair so I also riase you

Undershave

just y e s

I can also see her getting tattoos over certain scars on her arm, just to make them look not so ugly

I feel like clockwork wishes things worked out better

Wishes for another chance but knows she’ll never get one

Thus her taking goof care of herself

Natalie throws herseld into her “work”, keeping her body in shape and killing people

Its a way to avoid her life and that it is- a huge, sad mess

Shes an outgoing impulsive individual, confident but questions her actions

She’s also unstable- protective and loyal but explosive and strong 

Jane the Killer

Jane is the final one, im sorry I couldn’t do more theres a photo limit and I wanna bash my head into the wall

Now a main different between her and jeff is she had surgery and lie treatment

Janes skin is still greatly scarred but it is greatly healed

She takes care of it and had skin grafts

Her face is disfigured, a scarred smile and burns around

But unlike Jeff she doesn’t recarve the cut so its a cleaner line and a lot healthier

Janes hair took a rather long time to grow back, but it did! 

She has a slightly long pixie cut a bit choppy but she doesn’t mind

Her wife definetely cuts it for her and you can fight me over that

I can see Jane having a lot of facial trauma, scars around her nose and cheeks

She was young when she started killing and went for the over the person, pin them down kill which didn’t work out

She switched to a silenced pistol after awhile, you know like a smart person

Janes arms and legs are in alright condition where most of the burn trauma is on her back

She has a leaner but healthy figure but like boobs-

Like clockwork and Helen she takes care of herself

She doesn’t kill as frequently, going after a few of jeffs victims before him and is of course, actively hunting him down

Her eyes are a pale green and she wears makeip to fill in her eyebrows because those bitches take a long time to grow back

fun fact: jeff has no eyebrows, fight me

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨

.

.

.

QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[sunshineseung]

Content Creator Year in Review

tagged by: @bearseungmin :o thank you for thinking im interesting enough to do this lol tagging: uhhh idk who’s been tagged yet so if you’re a smaller creator and want to participate in this tag, feel free to do it and tag me so i can see it :)

2020 was a fucking mess but I finally started writing here on Tumblr so I guess it wasn’t that bad in that aspect, right? For real, thank you for the endless amounts of support on this blog! Ya’ll are insanely sweet and supportive and I’m glad I joined this community when I did, because I’m having such a good time interacting with ya’ll and writing my shitty stories. Here’s to another year of being horny for kpop idols and writing smut to satisfy the insatiable!

(year in review under the cut)

1. first creation of 2020 and most recent creation of 2020 first: Anniversary - This is the first smut I ever wrote... it kinda sucks now but ya’ll still seem to like it lol most recent: Gag Gift - I’ve been super depressed so this took like a month to release, but I also hated the first several drafts, but I’m happy with it now :) Startting 2020 with being horny for Seungmo and ending it with being horny for Seungmo. Perfectly balanced as all things should be.

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020  I’m gonna do three of my faves lol Sinner (Part One) - Ah, a classic. I went in on this one, and I really like the end result, and clearly everyone else did because dozens of people requested a part two! Royalty - Probably my favorite thing I’ve ever written in terms of stray kids smut, honestly. I’m just really proud of it lol Little Secret - Duh!!! This was my first planned series smut (sorry Sinner) and the reaction it got was just amazing. Thank you for the support on this little bitch of a story!

3. a creation you’re really proud of  R O Y A L T Y ^^^

4. a creation that took you forever  gag gift :’) but also it took me like 30 years to finish writing my NCT drabbles for SMM 100 so... that !

5. a creation from 2020 that received the most notes  i’m pretty sure my post with the most notes is my mark lee drabble, but if it isn’t... oops! Little Secret also got a bunch of notes, plus the OT8 stray kids things I made a few months ago... phew! ya’ll really liked those lol

6. a creation you think deserved more notes  ya’ll slept on my hendery in a maid cat outfit drabble and I will not forgive you for that TT

7. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it  I just became an nctzen in january of this year after being interested in them since their debut lol but i’m glad i’m an nctzen now because NCT 2020 is the highlight of my year (other than SHINee coming back ofc). I’ve linked to the nct smuts like 100 times already so just... scroll up lol

8. a creation you made that breaks your heart psycho because it’s breakup angst from when i was missing my ex which just so happened to occur while ‘00 line did their psycho performance lol thanks hyunjin for the fuel 

9. a ‘simple’ creation you really love  first kiss is my only not smut work on my blog and I still love it with all my dainty little heart :) ya’ll slept on this one too but i understand why. it isn’t smut so ya’ll dont care about it lol it’s alright 

10. a creation that was inspired by another one  movie night was inspired by a jisung cockwarming fic i read on wattpad, but i can’t remember what book it was in :( sorry! but it was just a short drabble that made my brain go brrr so i had to write a whole fic about it (and then someone else requested it so i HAD HAD to do it)

11. a favorite creation by someone else inhales any of these but also ... I think about this one like... DAILY ! Actual art right here ugh i just love king/royalty stories ig one of my favorite threesome smuts!!! johnny suh just does something to a girl, okay? subby lix owns my heart THIS FIC DRIVES ME CRAZY ARE YOU KIDDING ??? that’s all for right now but you can go through the whole fic rec tag and see what kind of kinky shit i’m into lol

12. some of your favorite content creators from this year @lovebini - I literally visit ems blog basically every day just to see what FINE ART has been posted. everything is just A+++ if you aren’t following her already, what are you doing? @hanji - you dont understand... I’m OBSESSED jokes aside, another blog I visit a lot ! it’s all just so good wtf  @mochinnie - everything is GOLD 10/10 highly recommend :) @nightshade-minho - definition of perfect. this mf dont miss! everything is incredible and just... so good! please! if you aren’t following already youre missing tf out! @hanflix - duh. duh! wha- duh!!! so good, so so so good! amazingly talented person writing on a gorgeous blog. literal perfection!  @binniesthighs - great username, great content! another blog where every story is high art that should be put in... a really good museum that i totally know the name of!  that’s all that i can think of right now, but i’m sure i’m an active follower on some other blogs that i’m blanking on right now since i usually just scroll through the stray kids smut tag lmao.

again, thank you for an incredible year! more content coming soon! 

[judehayward]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music.... 

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight....... 

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all

[1112lw]

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so 

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s 

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears 

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so 

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so 

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb 

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so 

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget 

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked 

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so 

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep 

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically 

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if 

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY 

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old 

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so 

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no 

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal 

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee 

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school 

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official​ @ace-landofthesun​ @dorkalisious​ and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[prettywhenucri]

September 2018 Music Recommendations

hewwo i never use tumblr but i thought i could use it to recommend music because im lame and love to share music. these are the albums i’ve gotten into and/or enjoyed this month. please enjoy gays. remember this isn’t put in any particular order. it just how it be.

1.       Dear Evan Hansen

it’s lame i know but i only just hopped onto the musicals train and im starting with the musicals all my friends speak about 24/7. i probably don’t need to put this here because it seems everyone is already hyping this musical up already.

 anyway if you’re like the 2% of people who have no idea what DEH is it’s basically a musical about some bloke called evan hansen. he runs into a guy called connor on the first day of senior year and connor signs his cast (evan fell out of a tree and broke his arm, thats where the cast comes from). connor steals this note that evan has, because he has to write himself notes to build up his confidence. later on, connor kills himself with this note near his body so everyone thinks its a suicide note to evan. evan pretends like he knew connor and makes up this whole thing where he pretended they were friends.

im not 100% if that plot was accurate because i haven’t actually watched it, im just going on what my gf told me and what i understood from the soundtrack.

its a freaking awesome soundtrack, though. the harmonies – whew! i love evans voice too. whew. listen to it my dudes!! it’ll only take an hour to listen to the whole soundtrack. i recommend it if you’re one to enjoy goose bumps when you listen to someone belting.

favourite track: sincerely, me

this is only because i find it so freaking funny. it’s just a bunch of goofs over something that’s actually quite serious. the line, ‘but i should tell you that i think of you each night, i rub my nipples and start moaning with delight.’ it’s always dangerous to listen to this song through earphones on the way to school oops.

spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/album/0LhDyJXelg31FKLW5GDcKi?si=pgXbmPmYRnShkIp3iGqI4Q

2.       Heathers

WHOOP another musical that’s spoken about a lot. the soundtrack to this musical is Fucking Amazing. if you haven’t already listened to it, then you better go. right. now.

if you dont listen to heathers, firstly, you’re missing out. secondly, it’s a musical based on the movie heathers from 1988. the main character is veronica sawyer and shes one of the schools biggest nerds. she then meets the heathers in the bathroom and they make a pact that if she writes a bunch of forged notes then she can join their friendship group so she can be left alone. she goes on a huge journey of meeting J.D., seeing what it’s truly like to be popular, and finding out how scary her bf is. people die and shit, but im not going to say who or how. it’s up to you to find that out (unless you already know).

im not very good at condensing the plot to a story, so i am absolutely sorry if that was a terrible brief. but this isn’t about the storyline – this is about the music from the musical.

HOLY SHIT if you like 80s inspired music, then you’re in for a fucking ride.  this soundtrack is SO GOOD. the adrenaline rush you get from the songs, especially candy store and dead girl walking. also veronica??? has the best voice EVER. her vocal range is so wild and her belting at the end of dead girl walking.... i have to cry Its So Good. just her singing capabilities? amazing. i love it so much. 10/10. please listen.

favourite track: dead girl walking

i mean it’s kind of tied with candy store but i fell in love with dead girl walking first. i remember when i was sitting in art class listening to it for the first time and i got CHILLS from how intense and fast pace it was. like. i had it blasted in my ears and everyone could hear (i knew because my friend who’s listened to the soundtrack countless of times was mouthing along to the words yikes) but i just sat there, still, amazed that such a song could make me feel such a way. shes just so powerful and dominant in this song?? i will forever stan this song. i love it SO MUCH.

spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/album/1aIXRUYjG6ORo2vGnrAk0F?si=M3auSIXlQpykpe0L_PaE7Q

3.       Apricot Princess – Rex Orange County

whew??? something that isnt a musical??? damn.

but yes, i know this is very White Girl of me (i think??) but someone on my Sarahah months ago recommended him to me. it was only recently i actually thought of listening to his stuff and oh my god, i wish i hadn’t put it off as much.

i know he has other albums and eps, but i have only listened to this album so far, so im basing my opinion solely on this record. i know, sorry. i will hop onto his other stuff soon, just not yet.

his lyrics are probably my favourite thing about his music, which is unusual because the lyrics aren’t often my favourite. i always say that if you take the music away from the words, it leaves a poem or a story, but if you take the lyrics from the music, its still a song. i know that isn’t the best thing to say because i know for a fact that the lyrics of a song is sometimes essential to the mood that the artist is trying to portray with the instrumentals, and i believe that’s what rex orange county has done. it’s not often you find songs with sweet love lyrics these days (or is that me??). his way of writing is so unique and his take on love is just... wow. ive fallen in love with his lyrics. they’re so different.

favourite track: 4 seasons

oof this song is awesome because he’s talking about the story of falling in love. also??? the way the song changes all the time to something quiet and sweet to something with a lot more strings and he uses his voice more. maybe that’s to represent him falling in love? i dont know im not confident in voicing my views on the meaning of a song because i dont want to get Shanked. but yes, i love this song a lot. it’s pretty and his voice is so soothing. someone get him an asmr channel.

spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/album/2NBVxjZcbH5H1N1Ab2ExDH?si=Dk0rd5_mTfGi9UmXBgNLGg

4.       Young Sinatra – Logic

whoop whoop some hip hop. logic is so underrated. i heard of him for the first time from a presentation someone made in my english class two years ago. i’ve only come across him a few times since then, but i googled frank sinatra and this mixtape came up in my recommendations.

but hey! it’s so fucking GOOD. he’s so talented?? his flow and his SPEED. i love it so much because it just gives me the biggest rush of adrenaline. i dont really know much about the technical stuff of hip hop and rap, so i might sound like a complete dumbass, but it’s such an amazing mixtape. i like his earlier stuff way better than his new stuff (please dont kill me, this is just purely my opinion). its so FAST and amazing. i love it so much!! aaaaa.

favourite track: beggin’

nothing special, i just love this song because it always gets me going in a good mood because of the beat. i love it sm!!!

youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLB394593gU

5.       Isolation – Kali Uchis

jesus HECK ive been obsessed with this album for MONTHS. i love it so much. psychedelic pop and r&b?? yes THANK YOU.

her music is so dreamy!! her voice is so soothing!!! her harmonising is the best!!! my ears are in heaven when i listen to this record. jesus JESUS JESUS. i love her aesthetic so much. her lyrics are amazing. i love her so much and i love her vintage-esque style. who let someone become so talented?? have i already mentioned that i love her so much??

also?? when she puts a little soanish here and there in her songs, its so beautiful. spanish is such a wonderful language to hear, even when you don’t understand it. it’s really something else, and it’s amazing that shes interpreting both languages in her songs, because so many bilingual or trilingual artists dont do that. it just dhows her talent in both languages!! she’s amazing, and so is this record.

favourtie track: tomorrow

i fell in love with this song the second i heard it. it has been my favourite ever since. the harmonies really just caught me off guard because its so intense. the lyrics?? beautiful. it’s like a teenage dream style song. its so youthenising.  the chord sequence too?? it’s difficult to play on ukulele (im so bad at playing instruments holy heck i really tried with my tiny ass fingers) but it’s so beautiful. i wont ever stop talking about this song until the day i DIE.

spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/album/4EPQtdq6vvwxuYeQTrwDVY?si=-edz17oITuOs0LoLo1pKmQ

and that concludes my top 5 favourite albums from this month!! please take your time to listen to any of these and i hope i can write another one of these next month. im really trying to find a use for my tumblr and maybe this is it?? jesus im so lame, but im trying at least.

 owo thank u

[kjmhanbjn]

82 Truths Tag Game

I was tagged by @messiahturtles​ !!

name: Sarah blood type: Idk but I was /just/ talking abt this with my uncle nickname(s): Sar-bear sometimes from my dad and this one friend, choppy (dont ask) uhhh most people just call me Sarah r/s: Single zodiac sign: Capricorn pronouns: She\her favorite tv shows: Shadowhunters, Avatar/Korra, ummm suddenly ive forgotten all the tv shows ive ever watched???

long or short hair: Short, bi haircut lol height: 5′3 or something what do you like about yourself: Self love idk her right or left handed: Right list of three favourite colors: idk pinks and blues

right now: eating: Nothing drinking: Nothing i’m about to: Sleep listening to: Not listening anymore but I just listened to the greatest song ever made, 4 Walls by f(x)

kids: In the future probably? adopted get married: Maybe idk career: Something with art or writing, maybe math

most recent: drink: Water phone call: To one of my best friends lol but that was a few days ago, I don’t really use the phone call function on my phone lol

have you ever: dated someone twice: No been cheated on: No kissed someone and regretted it: No lost someone special: Yes been depressed: Yes been drunk and thrown up: No kissed a stranger: No had glasses or contacts: No had sex on the first date: No broken someone’s heart: Don’t think so lol turned someone down: No cried when someone died: Yes fallen for a friend: Yeah def lol

in the last year have you: made a new friend: Yes fallen out of love: No laughed until you cried: Yes met someone who changed you: Yes found out who your true friends were: Yes found out someone was talking about you: Yes kissed someone on your fb list: No 

which is better: lips or eyes: Eyes? hugs or kisses: Idk? shorter or taller: Idk? romantic or spontaneous: Romantic sensitive or loud: Sensitive hookup or relationship: Depends probably troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant

first: best friend: Her name is Samantha, I havent spoken to her in a really long time lol surgery: Not yet sport i joined: Probably dance or something vacation: To Amsterdam when I was like 2?? Or maybe to New York??

do you believe in: yourself: I am a figment of your imagination #edgy miracles: Nah love at first sight: Nah heaven: Eh I don’t care

extras: how many people from your fb list do you know irl: ???? do you have any pets: YES YES I DO, MY KITTY, THE LOVE OF MY MCLIFE, HER NAME IS LUNA SHE IS 8 MONTHS OLD I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD also i have a dog named nikki do you want to change your name: No what did you do for your last birthday: Hung out with friends!!! I actually had a really good birthday for the first time in a while what time did you wake up today: 11:00 ish what were you doing last night at midnight: Scrolling through tumblr proabably something you can’t wait for: Idk? last time you saw your mom: An hour or so ago when she said goodnight to me what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I was more Mentally Stable tbh have you ever talked to a person named tom: Probably what’s getting on your nerves: These earbuds my mom just got me that are already broken

Okay I think that’s it! I tag: @thirteenleafclover @applebees-official @outlawedmoon @orthodox-ecclectic @forbiddenandhiddenintheink @alectightwood @janecampbellgansey @unpicasso @canislytherinthings uhhh that’s it I guess, only do this if you want lol

[skeletxnqueen]

flower crown fairy lights daisies 1975 matte black nail polish pantone moodboard stars plants converse lace handwriting cactus sunrise oil paints overalls combat boots winged eyeliner pastel tattoos piercings bands messy bun cry baby grunge space white bed sheets old books beaches eyes 11:11 painting lightning thunder storms love clouds coffee marble

T H E N E V E R E N D I N G A S K (I wasn’t ignoring you, I’m gonna be honest, I forgot this was sitting in my drafts waiting to be completed aaaaa)

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? - A few minutes ago. I left my iPod in my co-worker’s car so I kinda have nothing better to do. All my favorite apps are on there.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? - Are alternate universes real and is there one where I am content and happy? (sorry to get depressing there bud but life just ain’t what I want it to be rn)

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? - I haven’t experienced enough things to  really say I’ve accomplished anything. I guess getting a job and keeping it for as long as I have? Six months and counting.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? - Seeing a gif of a kitten walking over to a camera man and then proceeding to nap on him and walk all over his shoulders and sit on his head while he had to hold almost completely still.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? - This question as me depressed and low key anxious I don’t think I can answer it without crying sorry

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? - Not really. I try to avoid really confronting my own mortality. Thinking about dying both scares and tempts me and it’s really weird and terrifying and no bueno. Gosh my answers seem so depressing I’m sorry bab aaAAAA

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. - I’m too lazy to describe anyone again but um my brother c’: Again. Heckie

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? - I suppose. I mean it definitely could have been better, but it’s not really on “tragic backstory” level so I guess yeah. I dunno how to answer this, in all honesty.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? - Earlier tonight

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. - My friend Antonio. He’s weird but he loves space and it’s nice to hear how excited he gets talking about the stars and planets because he’s super passionate about it. I just like when my friends are happy ya know? So I know stargazing with my space buddy would be fun.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? - Honestly I have before. I don’t mean for it to, but sometimes the conversations just take that direction. I’m a big oversharer.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? - fam I’m always up at 3am wym I stay talkin to ppl at 3am (for the record it’s usually my mom and/or brother)

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? - Again, I can’t answer this without crying I’m sorry.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? - I have them and I love them why is this up for discussion why is this a question is there brown eye discourse???

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. - “I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me.” …….. I really like attention. More seriously though, I like knowing that I’m real to other people. I know it sounds weird but sometimes I just like being reminded that I actually exist in other people’s lives and that I’m a real person???? Idk how to describe it but yeah. That line makes me think about that aspect of myself a lot.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? - “Still Figuring It Out”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? - cry because I can finally get my family out of our rough situation, spoil my mom and brother rotten, buy lots of pretty makeup, travel the world, and still have enough left over to live comfortably for the rest of my life without ever having to work again unless I want to to have something to do.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? - I am. Sometimes too much for my own good. Sometimes I like it just cause it can help settle conflicts quicker and sometimes I don’t because not only do I let toxic people back into my life but it causes me to miss them and desperately want them back because I convince myself “it’s in the past, it wasn’t that bad, and they’ve probably changed so I should let it go”.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. - Dear Mikii,

First of all what a weird nick-name you dork. I’m Gabby. I’m still just as much of a dork so don’t feel bad. You’re going through a weird phase in your life right now. You’re confused and probably questioning who you are. That’s not really going to stop, but it gets better. It gets easier to deal with. Eventually you’ll work for your favorite pizza place and, while it’s stressful, you’ll make cool friends and you’ll make money, and nobody will be able to tell you what you can and can’t buy. It’ll be awesome. You got this

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? - I guess I lean closer to the punk side. It’s kind of funny because I have the soft cute personality that you’d think would fit on a pastel type person and honestly that’s my aesthetic but style wise, I usually go for darker colors and stuff. My brother is the polar opposite. Punk personality and pastel style.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. - Yes. Body art is yes. I love it and I want it. If you have tattoos and/or piercings I am 75% more likely to get some kind of crush on you.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? - yes, because I like it and it’s pretty.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. - I dunno if this counts much, I had to think long and hard on this one, but Crossfire by Stephen makes me think a lot about current events and police brutality and the bombings in other countries and just a bunch of sad stuff that’s going on now which I know is the point but it makes me really think about the privilege I do have compared to those who face discrimination and oppression far more harshly than I ever will and I just heckin

heck

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. - “Prince didn’t die for this.”

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. - I’ve only ever been to one and it was a local band so

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? - Idk man probably my dad. Not gonna go in depth but I’ll say this. I’d want a large sum of money included and a 5 page long apology letter.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? - nope nothing is organized and I dont have a workspace

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? - stay up til I physically cannot hold my eyes open anymore then fall asleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? - that I’m not Christian and that I have a um…. device. Of some sort.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? - Keep it red / make it redder, probably some kind of undercut or side shave

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? - 1. Alin2. Mikey3. Kaylee4. Dom5. Rose

I’d take these nerds with me as I travel the globe and try new experiences, shop cool unique things, and just live my dream life with. I’d go to the ends of the earth with these precious babies.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. - (1) Wealth. I want to pay off my mother’s college debt, buy her a nice place to stay as well as somewhere for myself, buy my brother anything his little heart desires, donate to fundraisers and charities, live my dream life, etc. (2) Clear skin. I’m pretty confident in my body shape and all, but I can’t stand my skin. Especially everywhere that isn’t my face. My shoulders have it the worst. (3) Someone willing to date me who doesn’t live thousands of miles away would be lovely. I mean I can do long distance but I just crave physical affection ya know? I dunno man I’m just lonely.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. - Well, last year I was a dead cowgirl. I used my day of the dead makeup and wore a flannel, jeans, boots, and a cowboy hat that I got from party city. Relatively simple, but it was still fun to see little kids’ reactions and everything at work.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? - this implies I’ve gotten drunk or high before (I’ve been kind of tipsy before but otherwise I’m fucking lame and I don’t do that stuff)

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? - kill somebody (there are a few exceptions but in general ya know?)

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? - both of these would drive me literally insane let’s not and say we did

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love. - I think I have. I don't know. To me it's realizing the things I'd be willing to do for that person. Just wanting to make them happy. Wanting to spoil them, see them smile, hear their stupid jokes even if they aren't funny, see all the ugly or silly faces they make, and just loving everything about them. Overcoming my biggest insecurities and discomforts for them. Realizing that there are certain things I can only see myself doing with them. When I read those couple posts I think of them, even though it's been over a year since we've been together. Hearing a certain song or artist is tainted by thoughts of them, when nothing would come to mind before I got to know them. Filling spots in my mind and heart that for years had been left vacant. Realizing that despite how much they've hurt me, I'd gladly take them back if they asked. Feeling like it was the right love at the wrong time, even though it probably wasn't the right love at all. Falling in love to me is having them lurking around every corner of my mind, the darkest shadows, the deepest trenches, even when I'm not thinking of them, they're always there. Even when I'm not thinking about them, I somehow am. I don't know if this is love or obsession, admittedly. Maybe I just need help lol

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? - I’d rock both and look sexy while doing it

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? - I don’t go to starbucks enough to really say

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? - my family and getting us out of the tough situation we’re in right now

[officialflowergirl]

ok last one

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? lots 2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? yyes of course 3: What do you think of when you hear the word "meow?" die antword 4: What"s something you really want right now? :C 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? i hope that doesnt happen again it was a Pain 6: Do you like the beach? yes! 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? yes!! new years!! with sarah (red?) 8: What’s the background on your cell? just pretty 9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? mine, sc’s, some rando at a frat, anddddddd? jennifer probably 10: Do you like your phone? yea mostly 11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? Hell Nope 12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? taylor [cigarette emoji] [virgo symbol] 13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? POODLE 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? physical lmao 15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? art museum 16: Are you tired? perpetually 17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? since i got my phone prob 18: Are they a relative? yea my sis 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? All Of Them (1 exception) 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? currently 21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? no wtf 22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ok 23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? none 24: Is there a certain quote you live by? do all things with kindness 25: What’s on your mind? someone i like, also ren, obv 26: Do you have any tattoos? 2!! a sun & a matching cloud w/ren 27: What is your favorite color? PINK 28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? :C idk 29: Who are you texting? ren and nike 30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? i dont think so? 31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? idk 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yea 33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? yea 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? someone wrote a poem about them :C i cant read it anymore but it’s saved somehwere 35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? finally 36: Were you single on Valentines Day? i sure was 37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed? yes! 38: What do your friends call you? dallas 39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? me 40: Have you ever cried over a text? probably 41: Where’s your last bruise located? knees 42: What is it from? i dont know it was just there one day 43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? the Earth 44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? ren ofc 45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? no theyre all shit :( 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? yes i love my caps 47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? only if it was like WIDELY common and having hair was the “other” 48: Do you make supper for your family? no lmao 49: Does your bedroom have a door? yes wtf 50: Top 3 web-pages? tumbl, fb, okc 51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? probably 52: Does anything on your body hurt? [dramatic music] my heart 53: Are goodbyes hard for you? no, i have the inteernet and fb and snapchat and texting, its fine 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? fireball 55: How is your hair? long and black 56: What do you usually do first in the morning? groan 57: Do you think two people can last forever? yes ofc! 58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? l m a o 59: Green or purple grapes? green 60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? shrug 61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? seattle 62: When will be the next time you text someone? today 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? probably still this same spot 64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. slep 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? i cannot actually 66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? no 67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? no :/ 68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? AU G HHHHHHHHHHHH 69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes every day oof my Life 70: How many windows are open on your computer? 1, w/3 tabs 72: What is your ringtone? generic 73: How old will you be in 5 months? 22 74: Where is your Mum right now? slep 75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? “what question can we come up with to hurt her just by reading it” 76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? yea 77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? yes! 78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? no one they were all awful 79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? nope 80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes :) 81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? i counted 11 lmao 82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? yea 83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? probably not 84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? i would never BUT its...its ren 85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yes i would be so happy abt it 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? decided to cosplay her 87: Who was your last received call from? ren 88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? no $1000 is nothing i cant even pay for 1 class i wouldnt take a life for UNDER A SINGLE CLASS r u kidding me 89: What is something you wish you had more of? money (and friends and beautyand death) 90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? [strained emoji] 91: Do you sleep with your window open? no 92: Do you get along with girls? yes! 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? no one needs to know JACK 94: Does sex mean love? no wtf 95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? no 96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? i dont think so? 97: Did you sleep alone this week? not every day 98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yes! 99: Do you believe in love at first sight? no 100: Who was the last person that you pinky promised? prob sc

[11toe11-blog]

Horsewomen

  May i enter. Quietly. For insight. And take back nothing but truth.

____

I sit here waiting. 

I sit here waiting for you.

This is uncomfortable. This is actually a rather unsettling feeling. My breathing is no deeper than my upper chest. I am distracted. I want some distraction. Watch something nonsensical. Eat. Eat plenty. Something to comfort me. This sense of hunger, of not being full, no matter what i am putting in - from the healthiest to the junkiest. 

He wants to mute me.

He is making pulao and raita. Just what i need maybe. Maybe with that i’ll be satiated. Calm this restlessness. 

Weight on the chest. Cant go, oh damn! on it. Just watch it. Even if i spent the last month and a half working this weight off. 

Actors freeze writers block.

Dont i have anything to write? After steam rolling for a week.THe point when i assumed things would come together into a giant revelation?

Breathe into the belly. Reach out from formula. 

“What do i mean by…”

I miss. I miss kalari. Its a fact. I miss. I miss thiru. I miss. I am a miss. I am amiss, between a miss and a missus. 

Something in the face sharts shifting. Music is hindustani. Kishori amolkar he announces, informs, sticking is head out of building pulao.

Watched S’s viva. As she discussed body widsom as the maker and keeper of stories, and the source of the individial truth and meaning making process we all search for.

Watched Su’s body leave her home of 85 years. Watched Su’s body after her spirit left its home of 85 years. He brows were tight together, as if frozen amidst a painful exercise to recall something. 

Mid sentence, mid building he walks over for the hug, hug of reconciliation, hug of understanding, a hug to acknowledge, a hug to reassure - one of us, both of us. 

A death happened. 

Finally. After a dance on the edges that lasted almost 2 years. I remember sitting in the room with my therapist as art of the Art Therapy studies, and role playing with a strange dream, where i was arguing with R and having some experience of the Buzz road first floor centered around my possessions- why it cant be moved or something and his friends being around and me feeling alientated; while down in the ground floor abyss, the dreamer was distinctly aware of death waiting. The house didnt quite look like this, but was the same. In a way that spaces rearrange them selves in dreams, an additional corridor there, an elevation somewhere else, a door connecting two opposite ends of the house directly. 

I dont know her at all.  I have barely spoken to her more than a few handful of times in the 4 years that Buzz road has been my home. And none of the conversations have lasted more than a few minutes. She was a fine looking thin lady. Who i was told was a shell of her former robust self, and had alzheimer's setting in. So the main door, which is the common entrance to all the three floors had to be locked early enough. She would have anxieties otherwise. 

Nothing too loud or boisterous. 

Its never been loud or boisterous at buzz road from the time i have known it. Maybe when i got to know it, it was around the time it had gotten contemplative, retrospective, nostalgic. With not enough energy to hold the heightened states of merry making and large groups splashing their vibrance around. But finding them quietly in the folds of memory, back and forth, and reweaving them, alone. 

I came into the quiet buzz road; a buzzing road thats quietened now, i realize.

 People were talking about the sheer energy she possessed. I can imagine. Even when the last time we exchanged pleasantries, as i walked to junk the compost into the new compost pit we had going in the back yard, she was clear in her gaze, her glance inspire of all the tubes running out of her.  Was that the last time she saw me? Or when i had my lungi pulled up, carrying the water cans to the first floor. I had put on an effort to be myself, anticipating judgements for my hairy legs, or my unconventionality inspite of my desperate attempts to fit into the conventional. Whatever conventional means.

I now wear diamond earrings to honor a memory. Of someone i have only met in books and ideas. WHo would have thunk!

He comes over from the pillars of pulao. Share a few grains of his memory. 

The sense of community he is experiencing at the moment - in the virtual world with the responses that came in response to his tribute to her, -in this space, with his cousin who he felt he had nothing in common with. A point he always kept making. Until now, when he seems to suddenly have noticed a shared childhood. He accepted his cousin’s invitation to be there on the 10th and 13th day and was touched by the gensture, though he trailed off  a “my beliefs are my own” as he made his way back into the kitchen.

From the kitchen he recounts and as kishori continues to inspire the pulao, how his aunt took him to the hospital after his infamous fall off the rockface, he had managed to get back home pushing his conked motor bike before fainting in the loo with a shirt soaking in blood. Quite dramatic. This bit of the story is new to me. I knew of the fall. And the 7 stitches. I didnt know she featured in the story, which i imagined to be the grand fall that shook the 3 worlds and its from that impact on the earth that i was born. 

He was 18. My parents copulated. 1983.

This is quite a nice start to the mythical story.

What is this sentimentality? I am not a sentimental person. Sensitive yes. Sentimental? Not really. 

In all senses i am aware of the fact that death doesnt mean anything. Other than the change of the playing scene.  For the person who dies. Atleast for most people who die. A change of play for the actor. 

For the co-actors, yea its awkward. Suddenly, the improvisation has new energy, an unknown. Space available for new possibilities. 

Also a sense of a loss of the playing dynamics, which has to be refigured in new context. 

Thats all death is. 

And i myself must be dying in a million ways in the million multiverses, never mind “the other” dying. The infinite stages strung together and the actor playing out the infinite possibilities of each second. 

The thought of him dying was obsessive,for last two years. Its only of late that i have been able to relax. Otherwise it was a high alert since his tryst with the fissure and bp. I would be up at night watching and monitoring the deapth of his breath as he snored on. The thought of him dying and the paranoia that set in was a pattern repeat of the tightly controlled panic I experienced regularly as a teenager when my mother came home wheezing and we spent the whole nights praying and trying to help her get some relief. With no one else to turn for help.  Sheer holding-on to the the caregiver, protector, provider. 

Sheer holding-on as the intermediate caregiver, protector, supporter.

Today i am lot more relaxed. The pattern that was triggered two years ago has eased. It gave a sample of the minefield of triggers that lay dormant in my mindscape. 

Last night when he spoke of his will, after the initial reaction of sheer panic setting in, and then watching it pass, i was able to engage in the conversation - who should the bangalore house be left for? A. She has plenty in her name already. What about AV? Wonderful idea. He is a lonewolf with a strong sense of community. And will find some meaning and continuity, “make something with it, share it”.

Pondi house is for me. 

There is no house in pondi yet. There is land in pondi. And our dreams for the home. Our mutual curiosity of this human instinct,  nesting. What does it mean to make a nest with someone - which is neither his nor mine, but ours. 

Pondi house is for us. 

Its ours. 

Quite fitting for the closet romantics that we both are.

Such a relief this sentence gave me. Pondi house is for us. Its ours. 

What a burden it seems to be lifting from my shoulders. 

My self image  moves, glides past the harshly lit railings where it was held prisoner by my critical self - ever questioning my intentions of  initiating and insisting on insisting on a home in pondicherry. Is it greed? Is it the easy way out? Are you in this for the money?

To something lit with a much softer glow of depth and wisdom. And love and respect. 

Ustad Ali Akbar Khan takes the manch. 

Nobody else may understand this. But we do. You and i, do.

That ours is a dance of light and shadows. We love and hate. Trust and mistrust. We make love with the enemy. Sleep, cook. Learn to trust. Love. The historical “ other”.

Far from Romeo Juliet. Far far from it. Infact, it probably starts where SSpere left off. 

Imagine in play space: Romeo is reborn. Some 20 years ahead of Juliet, who was stuck in a limbo in some portal. And they finally meet. And there is nothing in the way- no warring families, no borders, no jealous friends, no helpful friends either - there is nothing helping, there is nothing standing in the way - except themselves. And all their assumption and presumptions.

“oh! I dint realize you were so obsessive.”

“Oh! I didnt realize you had such a nasty streak”

“You dont listen”

“This is far from the ever after i imagined”

Well, as i write this i suppose this is following the graph of every relationship there is. Nothing unconventional here. Inspite of all our ideas and stories of how unconventional this is.

Also, we arent really gear shifting because we have no kids.

Am i ok with that? Not having a child? Yes. In many ways. It will be nice to have someone to shape and mould and protect and spoil. But when i imagine, i dont think i will be doing something very different from what my mother did - circumstances and conveniences may be different - but the structure is the same - shape, mould, protect and spoil and love - with different degrees of ingredients - but still a replication of the process. Thats what nature is best at, no? Replicating. I dont want to do that. I can see past that temptation. 

A cat will do. Or a squirrel. Or a raven. Or a garden lizard, according to him.

Coco.

One coco gone from the terrace. So many coco’s playing around in the goundfloor garden. 

Sleepy. 

Call with K is postponed to tomorrow. 

Project Objex continues to delvelop and offer rich insights offline. Though the thread is held online. No, The thread is seemingly held online.

I find myself pretty uninteresting at the moment. 

Stitching classes with mom is nice. Nice is a strange word. And a strange word is what i need to describe it. She is clear and simple. With sketchy camera angling skills. But in her area of expertise, she leaves me with no room for doubts or confusions. Reminded me of how she used to teach me as a child. I remember she used to say a thing only twice, if i made her repeat a third time, i would get whacks for not paying attention. And now she seems to be the epitome of patience, as i also notice my child self coming to the fore, to provoke and test, with disinterest and wandering attention and confusion. She holds the thread with such firm clarity and patience, that i notice the child self dissolving away, making way for me to inhabit the present. In the beginning, 15 minutes into the session,  i noticed fatigue and disinterest and irritation setting. And by the end of the class i was clear and inspired and received the information she was clearly trying to transmit. I notice myself eagerly summarising all that i understood at the end of the session. Satisfaction and closure for her. And for me. 

All that the giver has to give, needs a taker. 

So that the giver can give fully and completely. And be free. 

I feel when i am listening to my mother, i feel i am also simultaneously receiving from my grandmother. A line of women who understood cloth. And clothes.

A line of women, who were a few generations ago not permitted to cover their breasts, fashioning the most interesting and quirky ways of covering and revealing. 

A line of women, some of who also sliced and placed a breast or two at the altar of life unlived.

A life of women who may have forgotten the joys of sun and wind and rains on naked breasts.

For me to understand R, i had to bring it closer to home. Last night the news of his aunts passing, meant that the inevitable event of his parents passing is clearer in the minds eye. I wouldnt have understood it, if i hadnt played out the scene of mom passing. And i notice that i keep telling myself that i will hold it together, like a stoic -like the stoic. Though the physical sensation is of a collapse a caving in. Like it matters. As if what matters is how i respond to it.

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...

Ashwini BIde Deshpande takes the mach.

The transformer catches fire. In a way that i have never seen it catch fire before - with a big long sideways trialing flame. And abruptly stops. WE gather candles and he goes to alert the watchman to make the calls to the electricity board. And i wonder if its a hello from the other worlds.

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden appearance of an actor...gentle drizzzle 

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...and the only thing that matter there is how you respond to the moment, to the change in space, how i respond to a new space.

He does the tadka, a vertical flame lover the ladle he uses for tadka.

We are such theatre.

But why is our sensation of it so mundane and unheightned. As if there is no audience. 

The sense of audience , of someone watching is what has fuelled most of the adventures in life. Like on is at once living at writing ones autobiography, and featuring in a biography, all at the same time. The vantage of the witness. Is what inspired this whole era of camera and film and now virtual.

Very many ways of the mirror.

The vantage of the inner witness. Makes me relax a little, teeny weeny, into the belly. The breath is quarter an inch deeper.

What was the word that mom used for leaving a little extra provision of cloth - side something...let me check the book. Not side - seam. Seam Allowance. At least i got the first alphabet right. S.  Mom and me have a long way to here, i see.

I didnt realise or register that R’s aunt used to play male roles in the play. She was an actress.  I didnt know R’s very married aunt was happy to flirt with the handsome doc while R was getting stitched up from his fall. But around her, knowing that she lived down stairs, and  maybe from the kind of home she lived in and her seemingly very traditional exchanges with people around her, I shrank. I felt I would be judged for not fitting in line with the expectation of a space. Walked past her awkwardly, pausing only for pleasantries. Not visiting her in her room as often as i could have and as often as i wanted to even, for the strangeness of the exchange. 

Nor having the balls to suggest playing some classical music to her. Some respite from the dreaded TV. 

Did i judge her illness or her age or her wealth?

Made it all about me?

Wanting to listen to music quietly together with a practical stranger at her bedside, we must share some language no? Some connection had to have happened. Some step one and two had to be crossed to find that step three. Or could i have straight have jumped to three? Long and short, that want, which kept appearing as an image, i believed was a response to her experience of intense loneliness. And my helplessness. 

Which is understandable, one of the first descriptions of her from people who knew her was how social she was -how she was surrounded by friends. Yet in the past year and a half she saw no one except  the nurses who were with here round the clock, her children, daughterinlaw, sister who regularly visited and maybe us once in a while and her, and occasional visits from her nieces and nephews. Watched plenty of TV. And went in and out of a hospital. And lived in looping memory. Ate mostly from a tube. The dabba that formulas came in we now use to store flowers for the pooja room everyday. 

I would have really liked to go and sit and listen to her, her  stories. But i didnt have the balls. What if she rejected me. I would take it very personally. I would be very hurt. 

Because i kept dancing on the brink of the rejections. Dreading rejections from R, from friends, from peers, from the kalari. That i so intensely yearn to belong. 

And so imagining that possible rejection, and a cruel word - i never made an effort. Even when i wanted to. 

Just before she left to the hospital the last time round, I didnt go into her room. Walking past the gesture of one of her nurses to come in - justifying it mentally with “not wearing a mask”. Maybe i was arguing a lot with R and had no bandwidth for the extended family at the moment. Maybe when i argue with R i see no reason why i live here. Maybe when i am arguing with R, i feel I dont belong here. And my whole presence here is a lie. And i dint want her too catch my dishonesty of intentions, of superficiality. My fears.

I have often been plagued by the feeling of helplessness here at buzz road. Much lesser now. This round of our stay has been far more hands on, “empowered”, and with room for changes and play of dynamics. Me allowing myself to do the things i feel like doing at the cost of being “seen”. 

Noticing caste encoded in the body memory. Because i have no lived memory of it. My earliest association with identity is being told by my father that i had “no caste, no gender, no religion”, i was human and a girl as equal to any boy. 

Why then did i feel my space shrink here? Did i subtly read your judgments without even noticing it? R tells me that you singled out your daughter for her dark skin. Not moer than half a shade darker surely, because i didnt at all notice any color variations in your skins; you all looked like you were from the same family and that was it. Is that why i feel great kindship with the people who work here - because i unknowingly somewhere by the color of my skin maybe they judge me as one of them?

So there is a story of rejection here that i picked up from the space and wove into my story.

Kabira khada baazar mein

Mangey sabki Kahir

Nahi kahoon sey dosti

Nahi kahoon sey bair

I spent an hour faffing to escape finishing this page. Because it doesnt seem to be getting over. One think is linking  to the next and then to the next, faster than i can write. 

Or want to write.

I can let go. 

Yes. 

I can let this go. 

I dont have to hold on to it like the bag that L and I tugged between each other other over compulsion to be the ideal daughterinlaw/good samaritan.

Lets me just summarize to myself that today i glimpsed the family, this group of people bound together by blood relations, a lot deeper than i ever have. I noticed wounds, as much as i noticed bonds. I noticed bonds, as much as i noticed wounds.

And i have no idea how i walked into this story, which seems to be an epic in itself with my own sense of great mythical journeying. I want nothing from them except peace and resolving and healing of wounds. 

And thats what seems to be happening.

No one is counting all this work we are doing in the GDP. I always liked micro economics over macro economics.

Something. 

Sleep

___

I gently close the door behind me. Notice the skin a bit shirvelled from time spent a touch too long in war. Thank you for keeping me safe in your waters. Thank you for the waves.