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myhahnestopinion · 6 years

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The Night A BALLS-TO-THE-WALLS SEXUAL SECRET SANTA Came Home: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5 - THE TOYMAKER (1991)

Sing it with me, everyone!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Where monsters are dwelling,

And everyone’s telling you

Be full of fear!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Yes, it’s October, the wonderful month where the artificially crafted frights of rubber masks, lawn displays, and houses that give out fruit and fundamentalist tracts gets to momentarily drown out the ongoing actual existential frights of the death of democracy. And being the most wonderful time of the year, it is only proper to give gifts to those people in your life who mean the most. That’s you, dear blog reader, and, while I know it’s a re-gift, I once again present you with the opportunity to follow me as I lose my sanity viewing some of the most baffling, aggravating, and incompetent horror films available. I hope it’s a gift that keeps on giving.

Just like the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise is to me.

Yes, even after a film that dedicated 42 minutes to showing clips from the prior installment, even after a film that suggested feminists desire to overthrow the world with the power of their bug babies, the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise still manages to surprise me.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker is, in a very specific definition of the word, a more comprehensible installment in the franchise than most. The Christmastime setting is integral to the plot, not just a backdrop for spiral spaghetti shenanigans. No one in the film watches any of the prior films in the series within the sequel to those very movies, shattering all possible conception of continuity. Nevertheless, The Toymaker still forced me to pause 10 minutes from the end to cackle with such a madness that my dog urinated on the carpet (though in fairness, that doesn’t take much).

The Toymaker opens on a snowy suburb, lit up with Christmas cheer. A title card appears, informing us that this cinematic journey is presented to us by “Still Silent Films”. If the fact that Part 2 was released by the “Silent Night Releasing Corporation” wasn’t enough to convince you that this franchise is just one elaborate money laundering scheme, then that surely should.

The camera pans to a young boy, Derek, looking longingly out the window of a quaint home. It’s a silent night for Derek as he around paces his house, unable to get to sleep. Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. When what to his wondering eyes should appear but…

…his parents having sex…?

Oh. Um. I think I prefer the original version.

Or even the Silent Night 3 route of a man with a glass dome over his brain. Man, seeing your mommy kissing Santa Claus is traumatic enough, but this is on a whole other level. I mean, that kind of event for a small child is so earth shattering, it’s easy to interpret the rest of the film as the kid’s attempts to process this newfound sexual awakening.

Case in point, the next scene. Derek heads downstairs and finds a present on his front porch, with a tag reading “Don’t Open ‘til Christmas.” Derek, visions of… um… “sugar plums”… dancing in his head, is far too distracted for things like reading, and rips the wrapping off. Before he can open the box though, his dad appears and send him off to bed. As Derek disobediently waits on the stairs, his dad notices the gift box moving, and opens it to find a large red ball. As Derek’s dad observes, a goofy Santa head emerges from the top of the ball, and spins around, before ropes suddenly emerge from the ball and wrap themselves around the dad’s head, forcing the ball against his mouth.

Yeesh. You think walking in on your parents having sex is bad? Imagine witnessing your dad going for a ball gag immediately after.

Now, I don’t know how much experience you have, dear blog reader, with having balls in your face, but regardless, you’re liking confused on the same point that I am; namely, how one can be suffocated by having a large spherical object, far larger in circumference than the mouth, pressed against their face? Breathe through your nose, Derek’s dad! The Toymaker isn’t sure either, but forges ahead with confidence, before the dad trips and is impaled on a fire poker.

This thoroughly traumatic evening has had quite the impact on young Derek as we cut to two weeks later, as illustrated by a moment where his mom, Sarah, delivers his lunch on a plate. “Nothing’s touching, because I know you hate that,” Sarah says of the meal. WELL YEAH, I BET HE DOESN’T LIKE THAT ANYMORE, SARAH! MAYBE LOCK YOUR DOOR NEXT TIME!

Sarah is unsure how to help her son, who hasn’t spoken since that night, but wonders if taking him to the local toy store will cheer him up.

Now, note to screenwriters. The momentary chuckle of self-satisfying cleverness you get from naming your toy store owner “Joe Petto”, as a play on Geppetto from Pinocchio, is not a proper counter to the fact that “Petto” sounds remarkably similar to “Pedo”, making all conversations about taking your kid to Petto’s to cheer him up awfully uncomfortable.

But Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee, we’re off to Petto’s. The mother and child enter the toy store, just as its owner steps out of the back room. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but… Mickey Rooney...? The elderly, cheerful Rooney looks all ready to celebrate a White Christmas… you know, since he’s not in yellowface this time.

As Derek and Sarah look for a new toy, Joe Petto’s awkward son, Pino, comes out of the back room and drops a pink box labled “Larry the Larvae” in their hands.

Now, first off: Pino?? Like, sure, yeah, it’s Geppetto and Pinnocchio again, but naming a kid “Pino Petto” is child cruelty on par with making your son watch your kinky ball-gag antics.

Secondly, I must applaud the prop department of The Toymaker for having its robotic toy larvae be packaged in a pink box, dismantling the patriarchy by having a traditionally “boy’s” toy placed in a box of a traditionally “girl’s” color. I’d say chalk that up as another win for feminism from the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise, after that bug birthing ritual!

Derek doesn’t seem to appreciate this though, as he and Sarah leave without the larvae or any other toys. However, the toy is picked up by a mysterious stranger who enters the store after them. We know that this stranger is cool, because he has Judd-Nelson-Breakfast-Club hair, and we know that he’s in town for a reason, because his shifty eyes are always looking up as he purchases a set of toys from Petto.

The larvae toy changes hands again when this stranger, Noah, trades it to his motel manager in exchange for an extra-night stay. “It’s to die for,” Noah remarks as the manager walks off with the larvae, and, sure enough, the larvae comes alive and kills the manager on his car ride home. How does it kill the manager, you ask? Why, if you’ve been paying attention to The Toymaker thus far, you should already know! The hard, elongated object slides right down the man’s throat, choking him, before sucking his (eye)balls out and pushing itself through the hole!

If you think I’m reading into this film too much, I encourage you to read on.

Sarah next effort to cheer up Derek is to take him to see Santa. Well, a mall Santa, that is. We know that he’s not the real Santa because there’s three of them, and because one of them is black, which Fox News assured me cannot be!

One of the other three men is Noah, who, upon spotting Derek in the waiting line, pressures a fellow Santa into letting him take over the next shift. The fellow employees have no concern about this man desperate to have a specific boy sit on his lap, nor is anyone concerned when Noah suggest to this young boy that “maybe you’d rather whisper what you want in my ear” in coquettish fashion, nor is anyone concerned when Noah lunges to grab onto the child as his mother tries to pull him away, repeatedly shouting “NO, DON’T GO!”

Hey, Noah, I don’t know what kind of business you think we run at this here mall, but that kind of behavior is highly frowned upon! We’re not Petto’s!

“I want you to try sleeping in your own room tonight,” Sarah states to Derek when they return home. “If it doesn’t work out, you can come back here and sleep with me.”

This film is a Freudian field day.

The next evening, Sarah leaves Derek home with a babysitter, while she goes out. In the parking garage outside her workplace, she spots Noah. After a fumbling of keys so overplayed and a sewer grate placement so convenient that they border on parody, Sarah takes off running, She is confronted by Noah, and the two… kiss…?

“Why did you run from me?” Noah asks. I don’t know, maybe because you stalked her, aggressively grabbed her kid at the mall, went to her house and pounded on the door until her babysitter gave you her work address, and then you hunted her down in a dark, uninhabited parking garage?

That’s not Sarah’s answer though. “I didn’t recognize you. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you,” she says.

“Is that true?” Noah asks, “Or did you see me every time you look at Derek?”

Yes, Noah is Sarah’s old boyfriend and Derek’s real father. He had been gone for years in the military, but has returned now to investigate Petto. As Noah explains, Petto once had a pregnant wife who died in a car crash, and afterwards decided to send booby-trapped toys to all kids in town to deny people the perfect family he was denied. Several kids were maimed years ago, Noah explains, and Petto was arrested. Now Noah fears he’s planning to do the same thing again.

Now, you may be asking yourself, if Petto was arrested in the past for sending malicious toys designed to maim kids, who on earth would allow him to open up another toy store??

Well, see, you’re forgetting that Petto is an old white man, and thus it would be unjust for him to suffer any consequences for his actions. He was just a young boy in his 50s at the time! Are we sure the kids were really maimed? Awfully convenient of Noah to bring up this story right when it’s Christmastime again, don’t you think?

With Sarah realizing the danger her son is in, she and Noah take the only logical course of action… and have sex in the back of her car. This is of course logical, because it allows the film to cut between this scene and a scene where Derek’s babysitter has sex with her boyfriend after Derek goes to bed. As the boyfriend receives the surprising revelation that some bras unhook in the front (It’s not his fault he’s ignorant! No other film in this series has even acknowledge the existence of bras before when fulfilling the slasher film requisite nudity!), Joe Petto, dressed in full Santa garb walks by the open doorway. He looks in at the couple making love, grins, and pulls out his sack.

His toy sack that is!

Oh, man, sorry if I got you worried there for a second.

No, Petto’s actually quite considerate, as all he wants to do is leave the cute couple some toys to spice up their romantic escapades. Not that kind of toy, you say? Well, I disagree, as the scene continues with a robotic severed arm, among other animated objects, making its way across the bed to the couple. “Oh! You’ve never touched me there before!” the boyfriend moans, as the robotic arm reaches his butt.

Now, I’m not one to kink-shame, you guys. Mr. Severed Robot Hand, it’s okay if you to bring in your fingers, or want to choke the babysitter. Mr. Robot Snake, it’s okay if you want to tie her hands together so neither of them can escape. But, man, it’s gotta be consensual, you two! And the couple are clearly not into it when the toy tanks come and shoot them both with toy bullets, killing them.

Meanwhile, Derek gets up to investigate the noises, having not learned his lesson the first time around, but is confronted by Petto, who pulls out his sack.

Yes, yes, his toy sack, with which he kidnaps Derek.

Noah and Sarah, finished with their car sex, pull into the driveway of Sarah’s home. “What do we tell Derek?” Noah asks.

“You can tell him the truth,” Sarah responds.

Now, if there’s any child psychologists out there reading, is it going to be more or less traumatic for a young boy to find out that the man he saw having sex with his mom and using a ball gag was not his father, but the man who grabbed him as he sat on this man’s lap in the mall is? Honest question. Leave a comment.

Just at that moment, the babysitter emerges, and with her dying breath let’s Sarah know that Derek has been taken. So, Noah and Sarah rush off to Petto’s to save their boy. The two head down into the stores basement, fending off some animated toys as they search for Derek. When suddenly, what to Noah’s wondering eyes should appear but…

Acid!

Yes, a Santa-suited figure emerges from the dark to spray acid in Noah’s eyes, incapacitating him. Don’t feel bad for Noah though, as everyone who watches what happens next in The Toymaker is going to wish they had had their eyes burned with acid instead.

As Sarah makes her way through the basement, she stumbles upon a dead body. Joe Petto’s dead body. Suddenly, Joe Petto appears behind her, before peeling off his mask to reveal that he is a robot. The robot pulls out another face, and places it on, to reveal that he is actually Pino.

If the film’s subtle naming technique didn’t clue you in, yes, Pino was actually a robot boy built by Joe Petto to replace his dead son, but Pino could never live up to his father’s expectations, leading Joe to routinely beat him and subsequently repair him. Pino removes his shirt to reveal his plastic mannequin body.

“My father could make anything,” Pino remarks, as he undoes his belt. The camera zooms in on his crotch as the pants fall down. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but…

Nothing.

“Well, almost anything,” Pino continues.

Now, this might not be the most prominent of plot holes across the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise, but I gotta say, I am immensely curious about how this Joe Petto guy is so gifted as a toymaker that he can create a sentient, animated mannequin to replace his dead son, but not gifted enough to fashion together a dildo.

I mean, seems to me you just gotta take one of your Larry the Larvae toys, and two of your Santa ball gag toys and you’re all set, Pino!

Pino is insistent though that, despite his missing parts, he call still “love you like a real son.” He demonstrates as much, by forcing himself in-between Sarah’s legs, thrusting his smooth mannequin crotch against her repeatedly, and squealing about how he’s a real boy.

...

You know, part of the joy of Christmas is the element of surprise. When you see those wrapped-up presents under the tree, you don’t know what kind of things you’ll be receiving. The Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise truly captures the spirit of the holiday in that regard. You never know what’s waiting for you when you unwrap the next DVD.

As Pino continues his proclamations of being a real boy, Sarah reaches out beside her, picks up a screwdriver, and stabs it into Pino’s skull. She does not, however, say “Oh, so you want to screw?” or “Screw you!” or any variation of such, which, if you ask me, is the biggest missed opportunity of this entire godforsaken franchise.

Sarah finds Derek trapped in one of the Santa sacks, and Noah recovers from the acid. After smashing in Pino’s robot head to ensure the demise, the three head off to celebrate Christmas and/or spend years upon years in family therapy. Really an ambiguous ending, if you think about it. As they leave, the eyes of a nearby mannequin flash with electricity, suggesting that Pino… may come again…

Pun not intended. Dear god, pun not intended.

I mean, I’m immature, sure, but not that immature! Some may say that this blog post only served to reveal my own psyche, but well, those people have not seen Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker, a film that doesn’t so much such suggest psychoanalysis as it does shove it down one’s throat. Metaphorically speaking. There’s a lot to unwrap here, but at the heart of that figurative decorated box, one can at least acknowledge that The Toymaker had a solid conception of what a holiday-horror movie should be, which is more than can be said of half of this franchise. The idea of a toymaker sending killer gifts to children on Christmas is a solid take, and could have even contained a cool Halloween III: Season of the Witch-esque nihilistic ending, but perhaps the studio should have delivered the script to the director with a tag that read, “DO NOT OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS, AND/OR WHENEVER YOU WORK THROUGH YOUR OBVIOUS REPRESSED ISSUES.”

And so, the new chapter of The Night X Came Home begins with the closing of an old one. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of more presents under the metaphorical tree that is my dwindling sanity. Or maybe the tree represents something else. Or maybe the tree’s just a tree. I think I still have some things to work out, but that won’t stop me from being back later in the month with another venture into the weird world of horrible horror. Until then, to all a good night!

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker is available on DVD.

NEXT UP: The Night ALL THE PHONE-COMPANY’S MEN Came Home...

#film #halloween #thenightxcamehome #silentnightdeadlynight #thetoymaker #horror film #bad movies #so bad its good

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