#they also accused me of hurting their mental health by not doing what they asked

[whenyouwishuponastar7]

Hi everyone!

I have to address something that has gone on and is currently occurring. This is the last thing I want to do because I have spent eight years in different fandoms and avoided as much drama as possible. I want no part in it. I want to enjoy my time here.

Unfortunately, this is no longer drama. This is about an individual harming people, their mental health, their safe spaces, their enjoyment of fandom, their favorite ship, and their writing. This is about an individual who chooses bigotry over friendship and will align themselves with bad people for popularity.

And they don’t care who they harm by doing it.

This person made my life a living hell for over five months. It started in August, but things took a turn in October. I was finally free of them in late February because that is when a fandom event ended that tied me to them.

During this event, this person stressed me out to the point of tears. They made passive-aggressive remarks about various things, which made me feel insecure about my fic and writing. They unexpectedly changed their medium and didn’t talk to me about it before they did; I admit I was taken aback, hurt, and short with them. I apologized and took accountability the following day.

From then on, I tried to be as supportive, kind and understanding as possible.

I was “pushy” in December and January because this person had not produced a single finished piece of their art, which would total ten pieces. I knew it was too late in January to get a pinch hitter, and I don’t care that I asked a few times how it was going when I had nothing. I handed them a completed fic on August 28th. They had nothing until mid-January (and almost didn’t make it to this deadline) but didn’t start the bulk of their work until late January 22nd and finished (except polishing and watermarking) on the 26th.

Final submissions were on January 31st.

It took them four days to do what they hadn’t done in five months. I asked if they needed an extension, and we got one because they were not done by the final submission day. I had watched another writer’s artist drop out at the last minute, and mods said they couldn’t find anyone to pinch-hit for them.

This experience was a bad one. I can’t express how shitty it felt. I didn’t write for three months during it, and the fics I’ve written since then aren’t very good. I also have watched my readership disappear—getting the hits and kudos I did before October stopped.

I had a feeling this individual might have been involved if they were talking about me, but I thought I was being paranoid. I still may be, but since this has all happened, I have started to regain readers. I find that interesting.

Anyway! This whole thing ended, and it was bitter for me. I don’t have any more enjoyment in this fandom. I love my ship, but I currently have no desire to write them. I’ve been depressed and I’m scarred from fandom events. This person took away my joy when I only wanted to participate in a fandom event with my friends and have fun.

Because fandom is supposed to be fun, it’s not supposed to do this to people. It’s insane that it does this to people, and I never wanted to be involved in this bullshit.

This person has gone on to enjoy other fandom events, write and produce art, and seems to be doing fine.

Through small but interesting events, I started to learn about this individual’s ‘perspective’ on the entire thing with me. And, hoo boy, it was a fucking ride.

I am still shocked, amazed, flabbergasted and kinda pissed off about how this person lied about me. Everything they said was a complete lie. They shared my DMs via screenshots out of context, warped what we were talking about to play the victim and get sympathy, and flat-out lied numerous times. I have been accused of forcing them to do things during the event when I have screenshot proof that never happened.

For everything this individual accused me of, I provided screenshots to tell the fucking truth.

Two people have told me the same phrasing: they made me out to be a monster.

A monster.

If anyone knows me, my character, they know I’m not a goddamn monster. I try to keep my head down, stay in my lane, play in my sandbox corner, enjoy my ships, and have fun with my friends.

To be called a monster or to have someone say, ‘you’re nothing like they made you out to be,’ is the most surreal moment of my adult life.

This is fiction, fandom; it’s not real, and not everyone makes a living off it. It’s a hobby, and it’s supposed to be enjoyable. Once we step away from our computers and phones, no one knows us as so and so, writer or artist of Ship. Meanwhile, this person is making me out to be the worst human being alive, and it is absolute insanity to learn how deep it goes.

The twists and turns, the lies, the complete lack of reality, the delusion. It’s creepy and disturbing. And, through finding all of this out, I pieced together a pattern of behavior that this individual has:

When you do something they don’t like, they distance themselves, become cold and passive-aggressive, and hold themselves above you. You are no longer of use to them. They dangle their friendship and attention on a lure, hoping you’ll bite, only to throw you back under.

Please understand that this is a dangerous thing—this is not fandom drama—this is a dangerous individual, and the person with whom they choose to spend their time speaks volumes.

I will not share names or screenshots. Screenshots have been shared with the right people, and I will not make it a public spectacle. I also choose to protect the privacy of my friends and others involved in this, of which there are many.

I have been accused of forcing this individual to do things, hating them and their work, being extremely pushy and stressing them out, and that my server was unwelcoming and the people in it were unkind, and various other things. Small things that didn’t mean anything to me were taken extremely personally and made into more lies to make this person a victim.

Such as my preferred formatting for posting my fic links on tumblr. They did not respect it, even though I attempted to respect their formatting for posting their art numerous times earlier, but I was told not to stress about it and, you guessed it—accused of forcing them to change things behind my back. Again, screenshots have been given to the right people.

This individual can delete everything, but we have our proof, as we have been gathering it. We will not publicly share anything, but if this individual decides to, we have the evidence to back it all up.

There were so many creepy and fucked up things that happened. I can’t list them without getting too personal, but please understand this person does not belong in our fandom.

They chase popular people, especially artists, to ‘collect’ them and lie to and manipulate their friends for sympathy. Their friends need to step away and see the light because they are being used—it’s not a real friendship. It is transactional.

And you should be offended. They will cast you aside when you’re useless to them, too.

If I seem mad, it’s because I am. I have been dealing with this since August, when I realized that many of their comments were strange. I didn’t know those were red flags at the time. This individual pretends to be friendly and claims to be ‘the nice one’ when things go wrong so they can keep their reputation. Interactions with them might seem harmless, but looking at them with a different scope makes them something far different.

Don’t ignore red flags or gut instincts.

This is my story, and it is not told exactly how I wish I could tell it. But I know this individual has hurt numerous other people. I was going to make this post without the ability to reblog, but I am leaving it open for now.

If you want to add your story, as I suspect many of you know who I am speaking of, please do. I ask that you avoid telling anyone else’s stories for them unless you have permission. Protect each other.

This stupid shit unites us. I’m not afraid anymore because I’m sick of watching my friends get hurt again and again.

This individual has befriended a known bully and transphobic person. I won’t speak any further on this because it is not my story, but please bear in mind that they chose a TERF over trans friends. And we know what they say about association.

Blindsided victims of this individual are not at fault for this person’s actions.

See something, say something. Terfs and bullies can GET FUCKED.

Share your story.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling a school counselor about what my friend does online?

I (F minor) am in middle school. I have a group of friends, about 8 people, but this is about one girl in specific we can call Annie. All of us are mutuals on tumblr, twitter, etc. and we have a discord server too.

All of us are into a lot of the same things, like art, anime, video games, and have a lot of the same hobbies. Most of us also struggle with mental health stuff like anxiety and/or depression so we regularly talk to our school counselor (F, Idk how old she is).

Anyways, we're all really close and we get along really well for the most part, but lately Annie has been doing stuff that really bothers and worries us.

She's VERY into internet discourse. Has 10 paragraph long DNI page, is constantly starting fights with other people, etc. She usually argues about stuff like LGBT+ rights, womens rights, etc. but also a LOT of fandom discourse which is my biggest concern.

A lot of my other friends reblog/retweet stuff like anime gifs, fanart, memes, etc. but pretty much every post I see from Annie is her fighting with someone over shipping or something like that.

A lot of the posts are basically:

Her talking about how disgusting a certain ship or character is

How everyone who likes that specific thing is a degenerate, or freak, or pedo or groomer.

How if you like problematic ships you need to get a therapist, or you deserve to be hurt. Once I saw her arguing with someone who said they write certain stuff due to trauma and she said "You don't have trauma, you're either lying or you actually liked it and that's why you write such disgusting nasty shit"

Fighting with random people and accusing them of being a predator or a pedo

Breaking her own DNI (which says adults, proshitters, etc. DNI) and then getting mad at the other person for responding

It's really upsetting to see because she does this CONSTANTLY. She never seems to use tumblr/twitter to do things she actually likes. I never see her reblog gifs or memes or just silly lighthearted posts about stuff she enjoys.

It's especially upsetting because we're minors and she TELLS PEOPLE THAT. Like she's arguging with people that she thinks are pedos or child predators, while openly telling people her actual age. To me that's like covering yourself in bloody steaks and then jumping into water full of sharks.

I was really starting to get concerned because even in our private discord server she's always talking about how much she hates these people or whatever and how they should die, a lot of the time she says things like "they should get the wall" or "I hope their nasty fanfics happen to them irl that would teach them lol" and it really freaks me out.

She also talks about seeing the "child porn" that these people make which as far as I'm aware is drawings of characters but it still freaks me out how open and calm she is about looking at what she THINKS is child porn. I asked her if it's child porn why is it being linked in callout posts for other people (including minors!) to see and not being reported to the FBI but she just gets mad and changes the subject.

Me and our other friends have mentioned before that we don't like hearing about this kind of stuff but then she just gets mad and goes offline or gives us the silent treatment at school.

A month or so ago I got so fed up and upset, that I took a bunch of screenshots of her tumblr account and discord messages. One thing to note is that her username is VERY specific.

It's a combination of her first and last name and her birth year. Most people will not know that, but if you know her name and birthday, it's easy to tell it's her. She also goes by her real name online which I also screenshotted as proof it's her.

I brought all this to the school counselor, and I told her how worried I was about Annie, and how I think she's doing something really unsafe. Not only is she confronting people she thinks are child predators/groomers, she's telling people they deserve to get hurt in really awful ways, and looking at porn and I don't think this is good for her mental health.

The counselor at first was like "Idk are you SURE it's her? It could be anyone online!" But I insisted that it was and explained the username thing and that this was our private discord server so obviously I know it's her.

She thanked me for letting her know and told me I was being a good friend and then we talked about how I was doing, and then I left. I kind of forgot about it until a week later.

Annie wasn't online at all and I was kind of worried, but then I saw her on Monday at school. I was with our other friends and we called out her name so she would see us and come over and she LOST IT. She started screaming at us and telling us how awful we were, and how we ruined her life.

Idk what exactly happened, but apparently the counselor talked to her and her parents got involved? Her parents now monitor her internet usage, they have child safety stuff on the browsers, and she's only allowed on certain websites for doing research for school, or watching videos on youtube on their account so they can see what videos she's watching, or playing games on steam.

She said that her parents are also putting her in therapy once a week now (with an actual therapist, not the counselor) and she's only allowed to go out with an adult chaperone (either her older sister or one of her parents).

But... None of our friends know it was me who told the counselor. Annie has other friends besides us, so they're also "suspects" for being the snitch. It seems like half of our friends are relieved that Annie is kept away from that kind of stuff and the other half are mad at whoever the snitch is for ratting Annie out and resulting in her having less privacy/freedom.

At first I was happy that Annie was getting help and being kept away from this but now I feel really conflicted. I feel so disgusting talking to her and our other friends and pretending nothing happened, knowing that I was the one who told the counselor.

Annie still talks to us but she's a lot less open. We still have our discord server but apparently her parents will read through the messages to make sure she's not talking about anything bad and that she's only talking to us and not strangers.

What are these acronyms?

[five-bi-five-mind]

Maya and reader were together for 2 and a half years before Maya lost her job as captain of station 19, and reader broke up with her due to Maya's distance and behaviour toward the team and reader. reader than transfers to another firehouse, Maya goes through therapy and turns down the captain position and fights to get reader back.

I Wish I Was the Moon

Fandom: Station 19

Pairing: Maya Bishop x fem!reader

Words: 9.7k+

Genre: Angst, Hurt & Comfort, Smut

Summary: Maya hit rock bottom and along the way she lost the most important thing to her. It wasn't captain, she realized that quickly into her downward spiral. No, it was you. She had to do something to fix this, but she knew it started with herself. Would Maya be able to fix herself in time to win you back? Would you ever be willing to give her just one more chance?

Warnings: Alcohol mention; toxic relationship-ish depiction; mental health and therapy is a big theme; fingering (r!receiving); top!Maya, bottom!r; nipple play; marking.

A/N: Okay, this isn't exactly the same as the prompt so bear with me... but it's really close. Also did I put my own twist on an existing scene? Yes, yes I did. Also, the fic is named after the song with the same name that gave me inspiration. It's by Ewan J Phillips. Maybe listen while you read!

Maya was doing better. She really was. It was the first time she could say that in months, maybe even years. She was working on herself, she was putting in the effort. 

Therapy had a lot to do with this. From regular sessions came the ability to regulate her emotions when things felt too intense. It helped her process trauma, not just the trauma she experienced as an adult either, but childhood trauma too. It shocked her, how healing it could be to process everything. It was hard to really fully come to terms with all of it. Memories that she had hurt, but she didn’t have a word for why. Now it felt less painful since she finally understood herself and what had happened throughout her life. 

Of course, therapy itself was something she was originally reluctant to do. It was something she was too headstrong to think she needed it, until she finally tried. She didn’t try for her though. No, if she was being honest, what got her to first make an appointment and then— after three cancellations —to finally show up, was you. 

When you left, Maya told herself she didn’t need anyone, didn’t need you. That quickly became obvious to her that she was seriously lying to herself. You left because she pushed you away when she lost her position as captain. She became irritable when you asked for her to be more open. This irritability led to fights and fights led you to distance yourself from her eventually too. Then, after one night of fighting back and forth, you left to cool off. When you came back in, Maya rounded on you without skipping a beat. That was the last straw for you. 

Maya still winced at the thought of the words that left her mouth that night. Accusing you of cheating, that the space you were taking was just to fuck someone new. She had thrown in your face that you two weren’t fucking, so it only made logical sense that you were out finding someone else. Of course, the words Maya used were more colorful.

She could still see the hurt in your eyes when she said them. She still remembered the way you didn’t yell back, instead you just stood utterly silent. The next thing she knew, you were packing up your things and officially moved out of her apartment. 

The weeks to come, Maya didn’t run after you. She didn’t try to call or talk or anything. Maya had foolishly convinced herself that you needed her more than she needed you; that you’d be back. She wasn’t going to call first. You had to. But you didn’t and it made Maya spiral even more. Things got worse for her. At work it was a constant reminder of her loss of captain. At  home, her apartment reminded her too much of her loss of you. So, she went out to bars in the evenings often. A little too often. 

That drinking led to bad decisions. One particular night was definitely her rock bottom. She had decided to call you. Drunk off her ass and angry she was stumbling into a dark apartment without you had her thinking irrationally. Her hands moved before her mind really comprehend what she was doing. Maya saw your name on the screen and immediately hit call. 

“You just gave up,” she slurred into the phone the minute she heard your tired, confused greeting from the other line. “How could you just give up?”

“M… Maya?” Your voice sounded exhausted. Somewhere in Maya’s drunken brain she knew she shouldn’t be calling you at 2AM, but at that moment she didn’t care. 

“You left and now I come home to nothing,” Maya pressed. “I lost… I lost my dreams and then— then you left me. You gave up on us. What was it? Because you’re ashamed I got demoted?”

“Maya, I did not give up on us.” Your voice sounded clearer now and Maya’s mouth snapped shut at the frustration she heard on the other end of the line. “You pushed me away. You forced me to leave.” 

“That- I-“ Maya was at a loss for words. The way you sounded, it wasn’t broken like Maya had thought, it wasn’t sad. It was angry. In those few words, drunk or not, Maya knew you were absolutely right. 

A sigh came from the other end and Maya turned her attention to her phone again. “Look, Maya, are you okay? Are you home?” You didn’t have to be there to know she was very much not sober. She might have made the last few months with her hell, but you still cared. You couldn’t just easily erase the history you had with her or turn off your feelings. 

“I’m… yes, I’m home.” Maya couldn’t think of anything else to say. Her hand dropped and her phone slid from her palm onto the couch. Her thumb tapped the screen to hang up and then she just sat there. Her mind spun from your words and from the alcohol. Even in her inebriated state, she knew from your tone of voice, just how hurt you were by her. 

The day after was no easier. She had curled up on the couch that night, not bothering to change or move before she passed out. There was a small hope in her drunken mind that she would forget those devastating words you said, but of course she didn’t. They replayed in her mind from the moment she woke up and nursed her hangover to the minute she went to bed. 

It was after that night that she decided to fix herself. You never called to follow up. Your silence was something that Maya knew she deserved, but still wished was otherwise. So, Maya became determined. She would fix this, but it started with her. No more drunken calls, no more lashing out. The next time she saw you, she’d prove she was a better version of herself, one that deserved your love again. 

Logically, Maya realized this transformation wouldn’t happen over night. There were times where she wanted to be impatient and reach out. Her therapist worked with her on this though, advising her to wait until she was sure she was ready. Therapy helped her be honest with herself, and so many times she wanted to see you, but she knew she wasn’t ready.

Until she finally was. She had discussed this in detail with her therapist. There was a plan being made, one she was eager to implement. Months had gone by, so this wouldn’t be easy. But Maya had a newfound passion and knew that this new outlook, this better version of Maya, wasn’t complete until she had her love back in her arms. 

So, she planned to show up at your door. Flowers in hand, ready to beg on her knees for you to hear her out for even just one minute. She knew she didn’t deserve that for what she put you through, but she was willing to try. She had to try. From the moment she met you, she felt like you and her were meant to be. When she finally was to enact her plan, it had to go well. But things really never are that simple. 

Running into you totally disarmed her. You looked vibrant. The last time she saw you, like really saw you, you were just so… broken. She knew, deep down, that she did that to you. But now… Now you’re glowing, you’re thriving and it made her disgusted with herself. All these negative feelings that she had worked through for months suddenly bubbled to the surface the minute her eyes landed on your face. 

There you were, on the other side of the cafe Maya had stopped at, smiling at someone she didn’t recognize. How much time really has passed? Maya knew it had been months, but she was trying not to dwell and count. Apparently enough time had passed for you to move on. At least that’s what it looked like. Obviously, you would move on from her. Maya knew, realistically, you had every right to move on, but she hoped you’d wait for her to right her wrongs. God how she hoped. 

But clearly, you didn’t. Maya treated you like shit so you left. It made sense. You gave her chance after chance after chance, of course there would be a breaking point. Of course, there would be a process that Maya didn’t see where you would pick yourself up from the wreckage she left you in and find someone else who would give you all the things Maya promised. The reality of it was that Maya failed to follow through on every single thing she said to you. Well, all but one. She told you she would never stop loving you. This promise happened once on a night when she held you tight and was scared you’d slip through her fingers. She remembered the ways your breath hitched and your eyes shone as she looked down at your face in the moonlight and made that promise. 

She remembered that promise so vividly. When the storm was coming down hard and you both listened with the window open, wrapped in each other’s arms. The setting was quiet, calming even despite the thunder booming outside. The feeling of you wrapped in her arms warmed her heart and she had never felt more complete than in that moment, so she said, “There’s never been someone I loved more completely than you.” You looked up at her with wide eyes filled with the most hopeful emotions. Then she followed “And I promise, that won’t ever change.” And it didn’t. Even if you didn’t look at her the same way, or at all now, she still loved you with her entire heart. Despite all the ugliness of your last few months together, it still was the truest feeling she’s ever had. Each night she laid down in an empty bed she ached for not just another body next to her, because that wouldn’t suffice. No, she ached for you and you alone. 

When Maya saw you, you didn’t see her. She had decided she needed to get out of there as fast as possible. After her order had come out, she snatched her coffee as fast as she possibly could. Her head stayed turned from you as she made her way past your table and to the exit. Of course, she was trying so hard to avoid your gaze that she didn’t pay attention to where she was going.

She fully bumped into another random man, her coffee falling to the floor and spilling all over the place. Apology after apology flew from her lips as she still tried to keep her head down and clean up her mess. When she popped back up with a handful of coffee soaked napkins though, that’s when her eyes met yours.

You were shocked, staring back at her with eyes wide. “Maya?” Your voice was full of surprise and not resentment, which relieved Maya for a second. But then your eyes flicked to the confused person next to you and Maya’s eyes followed before landing back on your face.

The look you gave her next killed her. It was a look of guilt and pity. One that crushed Maya’s heart into a million pieces. So, she fled. 

If you had followed her, Maya didn’t notice. She walked with as much speed as she could without breaking into a full blown sprint. Her eyes stung, but she refused to cry. 

This whole encounter threw off everything for her. She had to rethink everything she planned. Was it still possible to win you back? Was it too late? Should she even try?

Those were all the questions she flung at her therapist the moment she sat down for her next session. What she was reminded of was that she had no answers for what was going on and who she saw with you. Therefore, she had no answers for the previous questions she posed. 

The new plan was still to reach out, but be more casual about it. Ask for coffee and discuss all the ways you may have changed and how Maya had been doing. Focus on you first and then perhaps Maya can move onto her proposal to restart. This plan positioned herself so that she could learn who that person was and what the situation might be before putting her heart right on the line. 

She wasn’t ready for all of that just yet though. There was a greater potential for rejection now. Maya told herself she was too scared to know the truth so she would wait a bit longer. Even if waiting was knowing she could possibly be pushing you closer to this mysterious person, she just couldn’t muster up the courage. But, much like the coffee shop incident, life had other plans. 

In the months you two had been apart, Maya hadn’t run into you at all. Now, suddenly, she bumps into you two weeks in a row before she was really ready to. It was like some kind of cosmic cruel joke. 

Again, when she saw you, she felt utterly disarmed. She was just trying to enjoy a nice run when she ran straight up to you. Not intentionally, of course, she was off in her own little world. Her mind was wrapped up in you, so to hear your voice say her name as she passed had her utterly freeze in shock.

“Hi…” Maya said hesitantly as she turned to see your face staring back at her. This time, thankfully, you appeared to be alone.

“Hi.” Your voice had just as much hesitation as hers. “How… um, how are you?”

“Good,” Maya nodded, trying to catch her breath and calm her heart rate. She didn’t think it was the run that was elevating it. “Yeah, I’m good.” And it was true to an extent, even if she was internally panicking.

She hadn’t thought it would go this awkward. Maybe it was naive, but she assumed everything would just… click when she was one-on-one with you again. But instead, you were anxious and she was tense. 

Maya took a deep breath, remembering the exercises given to her in her sessions. It helped ground her and get her bearings. “How are you?” Maya finally managed to ask after a long, awkward pause. 

“I’m okay.” If there was one thing Maya knew, it was how to read your eyes. Your tone sounded fine, but that answer didn’t reach your eyes. In fact, as Maya looked on at your face, she thought you looked tired. Maybe even quite a bit sad. She wondered if she read you wrong at the coffee shop. If maybe you weren’t as happy as you seemed. Did your smile reach your eyes that day? Maya was too taken aback by suddenly seeing you that she didn’t pay much attention then. 

“Yeah?” Maya questioned. 

You nodded and for a moment that awkward pause was back. “Maya, about the other day…” you finally broke the silence.

“You don’t need to explain.”

“Yeah, but— I don’t know, I feel like I should.” Your voice got quieter as you spoke and Maya shook her head. She offered you a sad smile and more guilt washed over you. 

“You don’t owe me an explanation.” Maya honestly hoped you wouldn’t give one. Not yet, she still wasn’t ready to hear it yet. “It’s okay really.”

But then, as you both stood, shuffling awkwardly and trying to find the right words, or any words for that matter, Maya felt the nagging curiosity bubble up in her. Maybe if she did ask, it would be better now than later. She could rip off the bandaid. She didn’t want details, but she just wanted to know. It could determine if there was hope. If she had a reason to hold on to it; to you. So, she asked the scariest, but most simple question to end this internal debate that she could think of.

“Is it serious?” Maya tried to play it off as a casual question, but deep down the answer you would give her would hold an important weight in her heart that you were entirely unaware of.

“No,” you gave her a small, sad smile. “We just met that day.” 

Maya couldn’t help herself, she really couldn’t. She had to know. As much as your answers could rip her heart right out, she just had to. “Has there been anyone serious?” 

“No, Maya,” you sighed. It wasn’t a sigh of frustration, but one that sounded just so disheartening to Maya’s ears. “Not since…”

“Me,” Maya finished. 

You just nodded in a response. The look on your face said it all. The pain was still right there on the surface. There’s a discomfort between you two. Things were still broken. Of course they would be, Maya thought. It’s not like you two tried to talk after you walked out. She just let you walk away and she was sure you probably held that against her even today. You two didn’t try to be friends, you didn’t try to be anything after it all went down. It was just radio silence apart from that drunken night. But Maya could feel that there was still so much left unsaid. It wasn’t just her that wanted to talk, but she could see in your eyes that you did too. If you didn’t, you could’ve just walked on. Yet, you stayed. It was awkward and public, but you still stood in front of her, shuffling your feet, as you waited for more words to come. So a talk was definitely necessary and obviously overdue. The question is, would you be willing to actually sit down and talk with her?

She had to try, right? You were, well, you. The person on Maya’s mind every single day even if you weren’t currently in her life. Her greatest love that still held all of her heart. She had to try. 

“Could we… I don’t know.” Maya was really struggling to get these words out there. No matter how many times she practiced this in her head after running into you, doing it was harder. She had to be brave though. She knew this moment wouldn’t come again for a long time. It had been so long since she saw you. Last week didn’t count, this meeting was different; face-to-face. A rare coincidence that suddenly presented her with so many options. What would happen if she let this chance pass her by? When would it come next? Would that girl you were with still be nothing serious? Maya couldn’t risk that. “Could we maybe grab dinner sometime?”

“Why?” It wasn’t a harsh question. You weren’t being defensive when you asked, but you were being cautious. Maya understood that and honestly she appreciated it even. But the question still took her aback.

“I just- I think we should talk.” Maya searched your eyes for any type of negativity to her request. She was really putting herself on the line. Not just with asking you to talk, but actually telling you that she was willing to. And talk she would. She would say everything that was left unsaid and she would let you say what you needed to say too of course. Maya could show you that she’s different, that she’s better, that she changed. Maybe then you’d give her just one last chance. She had no right to ask you for any more, not when so much time had passed. But god fucking dammit she wanted you back so badly. 

“I’ve been seeing a therapist and working on myself,” Maya continued. “I just want the chance to— to show you how far I’ve come.” The mention of therapy shocked you. It was something you asked her to consider, but all you were met with was a scoff. As your eyes searched Maya’s face, you realized how sincere she was. She seemed to be very honest about her claims. 

You wished you could relate. That you could say you worked on yourself in the time you two were apart. Truthfully, when Maya saw you it was the first time you decided to stop drowning in your heartbreak and find someone new. The sight of Maya that day had ruined that resolve.

Secretly, after that day, you hoped to see her again. Part of you wished she would call, but she didn’t. If you called, you felt like that was betraying every promise you made to yourself after leaving her. She needed to change to make it work, to stop hurting you, but you were scared she wasn’t capable of that.

So, you didn’t call. But when you saw her running towards you, on a route you knew she took, you couldn’t stop yourself from stopping her. Part of you still felt shocked to see her again, but really it was you lying to yourself. There was a strong chance you’d see her, and you knew that. You told yourself you needed the walk for fresh air, but there was more to it. The need to just talk to her, for even a moment, was too great. You wanted to know how she was doing, if she was okay. That drunken call still ran through your head and made you sick with worry.

When you saw her at the cafe, though, you thought she looked good. There was an inkling of hope, which is why you found yourself here trying to “accidentally” bump into her. And it all played out how you wanted.

But then she wanted dinner and to actually talk and you realized you were playing a dangerous game. If she hurt you all over again, honestly you didn’t think you could survive it. All you’ve done for months is lay in an unfamiliar, empty apartment you managed to find when you left. It didn’t feel like home, it felt depressing. You were sufficating in your heartbreak and just starting to pick up the pieces. If she was lying to get you back, only to treat you so badly again, it would destroy you for good this time.

“I don’t know…” Your eyes fell as you tried to find the right words to let her down.

“Just one dinner and then, if you want, you never have to hear from me again.” Maya’s plea had squeezed at your heart. The moment you made the mistake of looking back up at her, your resolve broke. She was so hopeful and yet so scared at the same time. “Just one dinner,” She repeated and you shocked yourself when you nodded in agreement. 

“One,” you whispered. 

“Good.” Maya’s smile was hesitant, but her eyes sparkled as she realized you were giving her a chance. Maybe it wasn’t a chance to get back together and make up for all the pain Maya caused, but it was a start. “This weekend, let’s go to that Italian restaurant… the one you love so much.” 

You knew the exact one. Maya wasn’t subtle. It was your first date, which is possibly why it was your favorite place. It was romantic and intimate. A good place to talk, but also a good place to get lost in Maya’s presence and lose your resolve even more. 

Still you couldn’t help but agree. “I’ll meet you there.” You knew if you drove there at least you wouldn’t be going home with her even if you wanted to. Maya nodded, giving you her most charming smile that used to make you swoon. It still did, if you were being completely honest. 

Your smile was nervous as you returned it, but still there was a flutter in your stomach that you hadn’t felt in a long time. The last time was before Maya got demoted, when that bright smile was turned your way almost every day. Seeing it again, you didn’t realize how much you missed it. 

Both of you parted after a moment. Maya’s jog continued but this time instead of spiraling in anxiety about potentially losing you forever, she was happy. Her plan was to talk, really it was, but as she ran her mind daydreamed about all the romantic possibilities that could happen after.

You, on the other hand, were preoccupied with very different thoughts. Ones of re-lived heartbreak and broken promises. The rest of that evening you spent spiraling and consumed in regret and fear of the what ifs. 

---------------------------------------------

The weekend came faster than you expected it to. In the days that followed your last encounter with Maya, your mind was fixated on so many worst case scenarios. Maya, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. 

She was nervous, sure, but she was also confident. She had her foot back in the door, she could try to convince you that she had changed. Logically, she knew jumping back into it all with you would be nearly impossible. It wasn’t like she wasn’t ready for that or for you. She knew she was ready to have it all with you, to have you back home and in the bed you once shared with her. It was all she wanted now. Screw captain, she had dropped the fantasy of getting it back somewhere in the second month of regular therapy sessions. Recently, it had even been reoffered to her and it was just as much of a shock to the station as it was to herself when she rejected the opportunity to snatch the position again.

Somewhere in the process of self improvement, she realized that wasn’t actually what she wanted. What she did want was her life back. That wasn’t possible, she decided, without you. But, not only did she want her life back, she wanted it to be better. For you. It’s what you deserved and she realized that now. She had taken you for granted and she was going to spend the rest of her life making it up to you if you’d let her.

That was another thing. Part of her plan was ambitious. She had wanted to eventually prove her dedication to you with a ring she had long hidden in the drawer next to her side of the bed, waiting for just the right chance. This was part of her plan that she had in mind before she saw you on that coffee date and if she was being honest, it was a part she tried to let go of again before she saw you on her run. When she saw you at the coffee shop, she had tried to calm herself, realizing the minute she felt ready that she was getting a little too excited. She had expected you to be hesitant, mad even, but she had held onto this naive idea that you were waiting for her to better herself. 

Even if she tried to calm herself down and not get her hopes up, she couldn’t help it. The closer she got to Saturday the more hopeful she got. Her mind wandered to the daydreams she used to have about a future with you, a wedding, a house… All those big things. There were butterflies in her stomach that she hadn’t felt since she got demoted. It really felt like everything was coming together for her.

That is, until about two hours before you both had agreed to meet.

While she was eagerly getting dressed in the nicest possible outfit, you were sitting frozen on your bed, staring at the clock tick away closer and closer to when it was time to see her. Your mind was running in circles about how you were setting yourself up to get hurt again, how you were going along with this all too easily. It was a big step to see Maya and who’s to say she really has changed? Or what if she has changed, but would stop working on herself the minute she had you back? She could lean on you, sure, you were always there to support her, but you didn’t want to be her emotional punching bag again. You didn’t want the cold shoulder when she came home, the accusations, the walking on eggshells. You didn’t know what was worse, living with a shell of the woman you loved or being without her completely. But as these months went on, and that emptiness sunk in, you had gotten used to it. Maybe it was better than the constant pain, rejection, and resentment Maya had directed towards you? Or maybe you just got comfortable in it?

Either way you were scared, so you made a choice. It was one solely made out of fear, one that you chose without truly thinking over it in a logical way. You sent a text on impulse.

Maya saw her phone light up as she was out already, trying to pick up a few of your favorite things before the date really started. With your favorite flowers in hand, she opened the text and her stomach dropped. 

I can’t see you tonight. I’m sorry.

That was all you gave her and honestly, Maya understood. She really did, but she was still crushed. 

The flowers she had in her hand were left forgotten on the cashier counter as she just walked straight out the door. 

The minute you sent that text your heart sank. You saw the three dots on the text thread start for a moment and then nothing. There was no reply, all it said was that it was read about a minute after you had sent it. You fell back on the bed, regretting the decision almost immediately and knowing just how much that had to hurt Maya. But it was for the best, right? That’s what you were telling yourself. It would save you both pain in the long run. It would save her from seeing you leave again, seeing you not be strong enough to stay by her side when she’s going through the worst of it. 

The guilt was killing you.

Eventually, about three hours later and what would’ve been an hour into the dinner you were supposed to have, you got tired of wallowing. You needed to eat, you didn’t have the emotional energy to cook, and maybe it would be good to get yourself up and moving. That way you couldn’t break your resolve, which for three hours had been seriously slipping. You lost count of the amount of times you typed and deleted an apology text to send to her. Of course, none of them got sent. If you sent one then there would be a possibility to reschedule and that reschedule would lead to all these feelings again. You couldn’t do that and you couldn’t put Maya through that.

So, by some miracle, you got yourself back out of bed. You walked, on autopilot, to your favorite pizza place to get some food. Honestly, you were probably quite the sight. You didn’t bother to do much other than get dressed in a comfortable t-shirt and jeans. There were probably still tear stains on your cheeks from how overwhelmed you felt by your emotions over tonight and your hair was definitely a mess, considering you buried yourself between two pillows and willed yourself to sleep off the horrible feelings. Sleep never came, so here you were. 

As you made your way into the restaurant and got in line to order, you really didn’t pay much attention to your surroundings. So, when you completely missed Ben Warren with his family sitting at a table, it was only understandable to take no notice. But he definitely saw you.

His head perked up and his eyebrows arched high in surprise. Maya had been talking all week about tonight, so to see you here and also in such a state of dishevelment was really shocking. But then he put the pieces together. You looked rough, but he didn’t think it was because of your interaction with Maya.

What he should’ve done was mind his own business, but he had a soft spot for you and Maya and once he saw how dead on your feet you looked, he couldn’t stop himself. With determination, while you remained completely oblivious to his presence, he walked up behind you and cautiously tapped your shoulder. 

You turned slowly, not really thinking about who was behind you or what they could want. The emotional exhaustion was too strong for you to honestly care much about anything. You really just wanted to get food and go. Even then, you weren’t sure you were going to eat it. At least you’d try though.

Then, as you turned and realized who it was, that’s when you jumped out of your skin. This was the last thing you wanted– Well, maybe not the last thing since it wasn’t actually Maya who was standing in front of you– But still, seeing someone she worked with was not much better. God, you hoped he didn’t know that you had plans with Maya. If he did, then it would be very obvious that you blew her off. He was her friend before he was yours. In fact, you weren’t sure if he really was your friend. Ben was kind and caring of course, but he was like that with everyone. 

The last thing you wanted was for him to look at you with any sort of disappointment or disapproval. What if his reaction was worse? That kind and welcoming side you had learned to associate with Warren could go away completely if he knew where you were supposed to be tonight. You really couldn’t get chewed out by him for hurting his friend. That wasn’t something you had the emotional capacity for tonight. Surely, Maya didn’t tell everyone. She wouldn’t, right? Thinking back to the dynamic you witnessed between her and her station and how everyone was a big family… the odds weren’t in your favor.

“What are you doing here?” Warren’s question was gentle, he waited to ask when the shock of seeing him finally washed from your face and was replaced with one of hesitation. He didn’t seem mad and, in fact, it was almost like he already knew the answer, but your heart still sank when you heard the question either way. “Aren’t you supposed to be meeting with Maya? It’s all she’s talked about this week.” 

So he did know. Of course, he knew. “Warren, hi… I- she told you about it?”

“It’s all she’s been talking about,” he said with no hint of humor in his voice. You swallowed hard at the look on his face. Not disapproving, but still serious.

“I- I couldn’t go,” you stammered. “It didn’t seem like a good idea. She said she changed— I don’t know. Look I should go.” You took a step back and your eyes darted to the exit. It was a bad idea to come out, you were seriously regretting that now. Food be damned, all you wanted to do was crawl back into bed. 

Seeing as Warren didn’t seem to want to stop you, you turned to leave. Even if you came here to get your comfort food before you spent the night, yet again, wallowing in heartbreak, your appetite was gone. Plus, you couldn’t stand the way he looked at you right now, the guilt of it was making you feel nauseous.  

“She gave up captain.” Warren’s voice stopped you dead in your tracks.

“What did you say…” Your question trailed off as you turned to him again.

“She gave up captain for you.” He repeated. What he said was something Maya didn’t even plan to tell you, not yet anyways. It was the last part of her process before she realized she was ready to try again with you, ready to show you she was better. And it was also the one thing you never thought you’d hear, one Maya knew would shock you to your core. She didn’t want you to know until she actually had you in her arms again, lest you think it was a tactic to get you back the easy way without even proving herself first. But, as Warren stood and saw how terrified you clearly were to jump into things with Maya again, he knew he had to nudge. 

“Warren…” It felt like the wind got knocked out of you. “That can’t be true. She wants that more than anything.” 

“No,” Warren shook his head. “There’s something she wants more.” His face said it all, he didn’t have to tell you what that thing was. It was so clearly you.

You were at a loss for words. Your heart was beating faster by the second as realization washed over you. 

“I suggest,” Warren’s voice was gentle now, “ you go see her. Tonight.”

You nodded, your feet backing away from the man yet again, but this time when you turned for the door it was for a different reason.

A million questions ran through your mind and you felt even worse about canceling on her now. You should’ve given her a chance to talk. You should’ve heard her out. If what he was saying was true then it changed everything. There was nothing bigger than the claim he just made. Warren didn’t lie either, you knew he was a trustworthy man. So you knew, deep down, the claim was true. 

Your feet carried you home faster than you thought capable. It was like your body was on autopilot while your mind raced. You stopped to grab your car keys before peeling out of your apartment parking lot and speeding towards your destination. You knew exactly where you wanted to go before you even really processed that you were already heading that way. It was rash. You had just spent the whole week worrying about being close to Maya again, hearing Maya out, opening yourself up to heartbreak. Now, though, everything was different. Now, you were suddenly ready to throw caution to the wind. 

Ben said the exact words you needed to hear to let go of any of your hesitations. Yes, you should’ve heard Maya out and yes, what you did wasn’t the best. But you were going to listen now, or try to. Even if your mind was in a million places at once, the only thing you knew was that you needed to see her. 

So when you found yourself at her apartment, you didn’t think to text or call her to warn her you were coming or to tell her you were there even when you slammed the car door and rushed to her unit. There was no hesitancy in the way you went straight to her door and knocked profusely. 

You definitely seemed like a crazy person, but you didn’t really care at that moment. Did you have a plan? No, but all you knew was that you needed to make this right. You’d hear her out, you’d listen for hours, you’d do whatever it took later. But as you waited anxiously for her to come to the door, this feeling inside you grew. It was one that told you to just fling yourself into her arms. Warren gave you all the reason you needed for you to let go of your trepidations. So if you could get her to open the door for you, you might just do exactly that. 

Finally, the door swings open and Maya’s irritated face twisted into utter shock the moment she saw you on the other side. It was almost comical to see just how flabbergasted she was. But then, as you took her appearance in, you realized she was probably wallowing in the same way you were the moment she read your text.

“(Y/N), hi what are you-”

“I have some stuff to say and I need you to just listen.” You interrupted her. She nodded immediately and stepped aside to let you in. You walked right past her and into the middle of her apartment. An apartment you used to share. The strangeness of being back here settled in your stomach like a storm and it just added so much more to your anxiety and confusion. Again, you really didn’t have much of a plan as to what was to come next. You should talk, you really should talk, but also you didn’t want to talk you just wanted… her. 

Maya walked in behind you and waited. You paced back and forth in front of her. With each step you took both yours and her anxiety was rising. She had no idea what you were going to say or if it was going to break her heart into tiny pieces. She was already hurting from your actions earlier today. The last thing she expected was to see you show up at her doorstep.  This could go either way. But honestly, she was gearing up more for you to say you never wanted to see her again rather than say anything good. But she hoped beyond hope that she was wrong to prepare for that. 

Your mind was racing and your heart was pounding in your chest. Ever since you let Maya back into your life (if you could even count the encounters you had as that), you were so afraid of her and the hurt she could possibly bring on top of the hurt you were already feeling from what happened before. But now you get this news? That the one thing she wanted more than anything in the world was offered to her and she said no. That one thing she wanted so badly it broke the both of you was no longer the thing she wanted and it felt like you were living in another reality. How were you supposed to react when Ben, the most honest man you knew, looks you in the eye and says it was you that she wanted most of all now? What do you say to him or, even more importantly, to her after learning that fact?

“We have a lot to talk about,” You were repeating yourself, but it was all you could think of to break the silence.  

“I know,” Maya nodded as she watched you pace the room.

“And a lot to work through.”

“I know,” she repeated.

“With this dinner was I… Was this your way of getting things back to the way they were?”

“No,” she shook her head. “Not how they were. A new start.”

“Maya, I- I’m still hurt. You hurt me and I haven’t healed all the way yet. It’s not that easy.”

“I know,” Maya hung her head. “I know, I hurt you. And I know it’s not that easy.”

“But even then… even…” Your words were escaping you and the battle in your mind was fizzling out to just one thing. You were so fucking tired. Tired of hurting from Maya. Tired of working through all of this and “staying strong” whatever the fuck that meant. Fuck sticking with your decision and standing your ground. Fuck being apart from the only woman you think you ever truly loved and would ever love. Fuck all of that. “Even after everything, even after months have passed… God, Maya can you just be kissing me now? Please?”

It didn’t even take Maya two seconds to process your words. In two quick strides she was in front of you, with her hands on either side of your face, pulling you in. It felt like a hurricane of emotions exploding inside you the minute her lips crashed into yours. But god was it just so… so everything. It was painful, it was incredible, it was messy, it was earth shattering. The way she was pressing her lips to yours with so much need, so much love, and so much desperation. And you met every emotion she was giving you into that kiss with your own tenfold. God, this was all you both wanted.

Maya felt like she was about to explode with joy. She knew there was work to be done, she knew you were hurt and the both of you were still broken, but finally there was hope. When she asked you to dinner, never in her wildest dreams did she think this would be happening right now. Especially after the text she received. But this. This moment right here was a sign that those pieces she broke back then could start being put together and that was all she had hoped for the minute you walked out the door. She was going to do everything she possibly could to fix what you two had. 

Your hands moved to tangle into Maya’s hair and hers moved to wrap around your waist and pull your body to press against hers. The kiss grew more and more heated with every passing second. It was like you had been starving for her and now finally you got to have a taste again, but it was going to take so much more to satiate you. Maya was in the same boat.

In the back of your mind, you thought maybe you should stop at kissing her and start talking at some point, but then your back hit the wall and Maya’s hands were dipping under your shirt and scratching at your sides. The way she was pressing herself so completely into your body, while also pulling you impossibly closer had your head swimming. A small moan fell from her lips as she kissed you harder and any thought of stopping was totally gone. The overwhelming need to be even closer (if that was possible at this point) overtook you. Plus, you didn’t want to go another night without having her next to you. The thought of going back to your empty apartment, falling asleep alone in bed, without her strong arms around you was the last thing you wanted. Tonight, you wanted Maya and you weren’t going to deny yourself of that any longer.

You were melting into her, your hands gripping at her back desperately as she kissed you with everything she had. The way your tongue ran over hers had both of you groaning against each other’s lips. Maya too thought maybe she should take it slow. Her reasoning was that she was worried she’d scare you off, but then you held her tighter and let her kiss you deeper and she knew that she couldn’t hold back. She’d only stop if you told her to stop, otherwise she was going to finally indulge. 

Eventually, Maya’s hands gripped tightly at your waist and she pulled you to walk backwards into the bedroom with her. Not once did she break the kiss and with each step you took with her, she just felt more eager to have you completely again. When both of you crossed the threshold, her hands were immediately tearing at your clothes. Both of you only broke the kiss for her to remove your shirt and bra and then her own, before you both leaned back in.

This time, when she kissed you, she slowed a little. Her tongue licked into your mouth and your nails dug into her bare shoulders. Her hands trailed down your stomach until they reached your jeans. She slipped her fingers into your belt loops and, in one swift move, she had you turned around until your knees hit the edge of the bed and you fell backwards. 

You landed with an umph but she didn’t seem to mind, neither did you. She followed you down with her knees resting on the mattress on either side of your hips to hold herself up. Her lips moved from yours to lick and nip down your neck. You were breathing hard and small whines were falling freely from you now. 

All the while, Maya was in a state of disbelief. This all felt too good to be true, but then here you were. In her hands, on her bed, laying right beneath her. The very thought of it all just made Maya’s need for you rise. 

Her teeth sank into the tender flesh between your neck and collarbone a little harder than she had been nipping at you before. A loud gasp filled the room, but quickly turned into a desperate moan as her tongue ran over the bite mark she left behind.

Usually, when you two were together before, you would complain about her leaving marks and the efforts you’d have to take to hide them the next day. This time was different, though. You didn’t mind her doing it, in fact you wanted her to. In a weird way it was a reminder that Maya seemed to have changed and that she was here with you tonight. So if anything happened after this encounter, at least you had this moment with her. This moment of completely throwing caution to the wind and letting Maya have you completely as she once did.

Maya’s hands tugged at your jeans as her lips and tongue made their way down to your chest. When she lowered her head past your neck, she was finally met with the sight of your perfect bare chest. When Maya had managed to rip off your jeans and toss them somewhere, one hand shot right up to palm at your breast while the other pushed your thigh until you had no choice but to spread your legs and let Maya adjust to kneel between them. 

With the way Maya was palming at one nipple, rolling it between her fingers and teasing you, your head was swimming. Then, she took your other in her mouth and your own hand flew to her hair, pressing her closer to your bare breast as she lightly sucked and nipped at it. 

Your head had already fallen back onto the pillow, your body already overwhelmed by all the things Maya was doing to it. It was like she never missed a beat.  She knew what you liked, she remembered every sensitive spot, every way and place to touch that drove you crazy. When her fingers finally left your inner thigh and moved between your legs to just barely trace the outside of your folds, you couldn’t stop the whimper.

That was one thing about you and Maya. The sex was always amazing because she always paid attention to your body. But she also loved to draw things out, which is exactly what it seemed like she was doing tonight. The way she continued to pay attention to your breasts while just barely ghosting the tips of her fingers over your clit was her way of taking her time. It was also driving you crazy. You didn’t think tonight, of all nights, you could let this be drawn out.

It had been months since you left Maya and even longer since she actually touched you like this. Drawing it out was torture for you. Even though Maya was enjoying this, enjoy your body, she still knew you well. She didn’t miss the frustrated huff when she only traced your entrance but didn’t do much else. She heard the pleading whimpers when her fingers rubbed lazy circles against your clit. As much as she wanted to take her time and absorb every little detail about your body, she wanted to fulfill your needs first.

So, when she entered you with two fingers without warning, the way you gasped out her name felt like the most rewarding sound Maya had ever heard. You still had one hand tangled into her hair and the other moved to wrap around her back as she began to move her fingers inside you. 

Maya managed to position herself in a way that whenever she entered her fingers into you, she put her whole body behind it. She rocked into you with each time her fingers pumped inside you. The whole bed creaked and groaned as she continued to fuck you at a steady, but strong pace.

As her pace sped up, Maya buried her head into your neck. Her emotions were high right now. To be with you like this again finally was everything to her. The way you held onto her, the way you felt around her fingers, the way you were about to fall apart at any second because of her— it was so beautiful to her. Tears pricked at her eyes, but she ignored them, knowing they were just a result of how happy she finally was. Her lips reattached to your neck, leaving marks on your skin as you turned your head into the pillow and gave her more access. 

When her fingers curled inside you and you cried out her name again, she groaned into your neck. Her free hand moved to grab one of yours and entangle your fingers as she started to pump the two inside you even harder. At this point, she knew you were close. She could feel you tighten around her fingers.

By now all you were doing was moaning her name. Every part of you was overwhelmed by Maya and the intensity was nothing you had experienced before. To go so long without the woman you loved, to not know if you’d ever have her again, made this experience so much more intense.

Your body shook as Maya continued to press her fingers against just the right spot inside you. The hand that was now in yours held tighter and you squeezed back as your body started to approach that edge.

White hot pleasure burst through your whole body finally and you felt yourself tighten even more around the fingers inside you. You let out a pathetic whimper of Maya’s name as you came. She kissed at your neck and your face, murmuring different things about how good you were, how beautiful you looked, and other praises.

Your body relaxed underneath her finally and she slowly and carefully slid her fingers out of you. Maya’s body rested more fully on top of yours once she had and you still struggled to regulate your heartbeat.

A hand came to press against your cheek and Maya leaned up slightly to look at you. You were still panting a little from the intensity of the orgasm, but you managed to focus your eyes and look back. The expression you saw from her took your breath away. Never had you seen her so happy, so radiant in all the time you’ve known Maya. She was smiling down at you with the softest, but most genuine smile you’ve ever seen. Her eyes shined as she stared back at yours and all you could read in them was admiration and happiness. 

She leaned down then, her lips pressing against yours in the most gentle kiss. Your eyes fluttered closed and you leaned up into it, overtaken by the softness that Maya was displaying. 

“I know we need to talk,” Maya whispered when she pulled away. “But would you stay the night, please?” You nodded and Maya’s smile only got brighter. “I just want to hold you for the rest of the night. Is that okay?”

“I’d like that,” you managed to say, your voice still rough from the intensity of the events just moments ago. 

“Good,” Maya sighed happily. She adjusted then, rolling off you and shimmying out of the rest of her clothes. Then she settled beside you, pulling you into her strong arms where you adjusted until you felt comfortable. There was so much intimacy in this moment, your bare bodies pressed to each other and your head on her chest so close you could hear the beat of her heart. Before you left, before Maya lost captain even, this kind of intimacy was hard for Maya to express. You had learned and accepted that it was a feeling that would come when it did, and that was rare.

But tonight, as Maya’s fingers raked gently through your hair, it felt so natural and easy for her. There didn’t seem to be any difficulty in the affection Maya was showing and your heart skipped a beat as you realized just how much truth she had spoken when she said she changed. 

You felt content in this moment, like everything would be okay. No matter what all you had to talk through, no matter the work that still needed to be done, things between you two would be okay. You were right where you were supposed to be and both of you felt that sentiment now more than either of you ever had. 

“Maya,” you whispered into the peaceful silence the room had fallen into. “I love you. I never stopped loving you.” Those words had so much emotion, they held so much promise in them, and you hoped Maya understood all of it in the conviction you put behind them.

Maya’s hand paused in your hair for a moment, but you felt the arm around you tighten and pull you closer. “I love you too,” Maya finally said, clearing her throat to avoid the obvious signs of tears that threatened to spill. “I will always love you with everything I have, if you let me. I promise you that.”

It was a new promise that Maya was making to you. What felt like so long ago Maya had held you and said she never loved anyone more completely than you and promised that never would change. Now she is promising you that she will give her all to loving you and being the partner you need. Maya has broken promises, she’s let you down and hurt you in the past. It’s what broke the both of you before. But as you took in her words, you knew, just as she held onto the one promise, she’d hold onto this one as well. 

There was healing to do, but Maya was ready to rebuild with you if you’d let her. And as you pulled yourself closer into her body and pressed a kiss over her heart, she knew you were all in to rebuild with her too.

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[itskattkm]

New York New Rules Pt. 3

Warnings: Violence, Trauma, Fluff, maybe Smut, mental health, blood

Summary: Y/N meets the survivors of the last events in Woodsborrow and gets on Ghostface's list. But there is also a darkness in Y/N wich path is she going to choose

Female Y/N x Tara Carpenter

Sorry for bad writing. I'm using a translator and hope you guys can enjoy it. Also, this is going to be a long story

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

My body began to vibrate, or rather my head when I leaned it against the window of the taxi. So let's start reflecting on the day as it went so far.

Missed therapy hour because my therapist was brutally murdered. Check.

Shit... it would take me months until I find a new one.

What happened next? I closed my eyes and played the pictures in my head through like a movie.

Been accused for murder? Check.

Have been exposed and embarrassed In front of your girl crush and her sister? Check.

Surprising meeting with Kirby? Check.

Pursued by paparazzis and "interviewed" by Gale weathers? Check.

Witness to Tara punching Gale Weathers? Check.

Was I slightly turned on by it? Double Check.

"Y/N you're good?" A soft voice brought me back. I opened my eyes and had to blink slightly because of the unexpected brightness around me. I nodded silently and looked for the eyes of the taxi driver in the rear-view mirror. I put my hand on the passenger seat and pulled slightly forward, which is why Tara who sat between me and Sam pushed herself closer to Sam to give me the place I needed. "Hey you can let me out at Pompeii Pizza" he nodded to me but now Sam bent down in front "Y/N you can't go now you have to come with us" there was that shy me I knew so good. I probably would have done anything she said, but right now? Now I felt numb. Not present. And I didn't care.

No matter what happened yesterday. No matter what happened today. I just had to go home and hide in my room. It was one thing to become suspicious for several murders but to be exposed in front of almost complete strangers and to be claimed as a crazy woman with mental problems? And on top of that in front of your crush. That was too much for me.

Although Detective Bailey had exposed me to the two and they knew now more about me than I would have liked to let them know, I asked myself the question

Why do you want me to come with you?

"Why?" I asked confused

"Apart from the fact that you are a suspect, we have to talk to the others about it. Mindy wants us all to meet at the Blackmoore," she said and her eyes darkened. Although they didn't seem particularly inviting at the moment, I recognized something soothing in them.

"So you believe what Bailey said?" I asked and did not seem as strong as I had hoped. My voice was getting quieter and quieter. Maybe we didn't know each other so well, and I was just a friend of Mindy but did they really believe that I was behind it?

"Where were you during the bodega attack?" Said Tara cautions.

Confused, my gaze met hers. No, I wasn't confused. I was hurt. Her look was cold. Anger could be seen in her dark eyes, but the way she pulled her eyebrows together told me that there was something else, but what?

"Pompeii Pizza" said the driver and stopped.

Exhausted, I took a look and sighed. I shook my head when I opened the door of the taxi and got out.

"Y/N!"

I ignored it. Did Tara really think I was behind it? I didn't like the way she looked at me. As if I were a monster... the cars on the street were getting louder and louder for me. The measurements of people who were on the streets. Confused, I looked at the floor as I slowly went to the pizzeria.

And there they were at once. A few minutes before, I felt numb and now. Now there were too many feelings. I tried to arrange it in my head like a riddle. But I couldn't see anything. Too many letters. No words. I clenched my hands into fists to feel something I could describe. Then there was this sting. A continuous stitch. I had pressed my nails firmly into my palms so tightly that my knuckles turned white. Now I asked myself. What does that feel like?

After resensood.

Pressure a pressure that did not want to disappear.

And then the letters in my head came together and the word pain appeared before my eyes.

"Y/N wait!" I was grabbed by my shoulder and expected to be abruptly turned over. However, I was surprised and that of Sam. She sighed and slowly stood in front of me, so that I was forced to look at her. I was forced not to go any further.

"I was also a patient at Dr. Stone"

With widened eyes, I looked at her and a short smile escaped her lips when she agreed to my expression with a nodding head. "Believe me when I tell you that I can imagine how you feel. But you also have to understand-"

She looked over my shoulder to see Tara. However, I did not follow her gaze. As Tara had looked at me earlier... I never wanted to see these eyes again. That look in them. It made me feel so vulnerable and anxious. I already had it so hard to keep in touch with the people around me, but I tried to stand by. And with Tara, well it won't be difficult for me to ignore her in the near future.

At least that's what I thought

"After what we've been through, it's difficult for us with new people... and how fucked that sounds, but that's what Bailey said are very violent coincidences Y/N and if we should trust you... then you have to prove it to us"

Now I felt a different feeling.

Incomprehension

"Why should I do that?"

Surprised, Sam looked at me and straightened up. She probably didn't expect this answer.

"Sam, I am not part of your group. I'm just a friend of Mindy's"

I looked at the pizzeria and looked into the eyes of my own reflection Why do I looked so sad?

"As much as I wish it would be different, but even for Mindy I am just an acquaintance from the courses we have in common. And we both know Mindy, she is also very careful when it comes to new people. After she told me about Ghostface because it was a short topic in our course and not because she told me as a friend, I knew, okay. This friendship is nothing more than an an acquaintance, so why should I care Sam?" My legs were moving. I lightly bumped Sam on her shoulder to go past her but she grabbed me tightly by my arm and moved us so that I had to meet her eyes and my back faced the pizzeria.

"Because you care," she said bright. Confused, I looked at her. Her look was gentler than before and there was this glow.

"You may feel alone. And maybe you are... but you care. No matter how bad you are feeling. How the people around you are doing... you are someone who can feel how others are doing. And as much as you sometimes have to struggle with the darkness... you still care. Even if it hurts"

Why did it feel like a description of herself?

Were we both more similar than knew? I mean, we both went to the same therapist, maybe there was something to it. But what was Sam's problem? Also aggression? Mindy had never told me in detail what happened to all of them back then. She just said that the stab movies are based on true events and the murders of last year? Well she and her friends were involved.

Of course, I had watched all the stab films afterwards, but I couldn't imagine what must have happened to them.

"Go home. Take your time. But I hope that you come to the Blackmoore and try to find an answer for all this, together with us. You don't want to be a suspect, do you? So why not find out who is really behind it?"

She gave me a slight smile and left. Even after the taxi drove away, I was still starring on the same spot. Where did I get in there?

Damn Samantha Carpenter...

These feelings which you and your sister leave me behind are too much for me.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I invite everybody who took the other users side in that situation to find me a single situation where I was fatphobic and or went out of my way to be cruel or malicious to another user. After these crickets end, I'd like to invite the OP to prove that my reblog asking what their post means caused them hundreds of harassing messages in mere minutes, like they claimed. I will wait.

They posted one single message they got, from a person who wasn't a follower of mine and who responded to them after another user reblogged their post, which was confirmed by that other user. Before they closed their replies and closed themselves in an echochamber of people agreeing with them, I checked the notes a final time and though they did get criticism, as did I (and you all do know I listen to you and hear you and am always, ALWAYS open to conversation), those hundreds of messages of hate were nowhere to be seen.

Do you know why I know for sure they're lying about getting soooooooo much hate because of me? First of all, I've never cultivated a bullying culture on my blog. My followers can attest to that. I never supported users brigading for me. I don't have a cult following either way, but you can say I even discourage brigading. I always ask my followers not to fight others on my behalf. Not that it's necessary, because no one can say I get into drama often. Since making this blog, I can count maybe 5 situations that would be considered 'situations' to begin with. I don't have fans. I have bloggers that enjoy the content I post.

But secondly and more conclusively easily proven with numbers, I simply don't have that reach, nor do I have that many followers who are both active and fatphobic. I don't support fatphobia. I spoke out against fatphobia on this site. I've experienced it myself and I know how hurtful it is. My activity for this blog is abysmal due to me all but abandoning OTID in throes of my mental health battles. My posts get maybe 300 notes in total, over a 1000 if they're a hit reblog but that's it.

Hundreds of hate messages in minutes? Very unlikely. I'm not ashamed to admit OTID isn't what it used to be and that's completely on me and it's completely fine. My struggles stopped me from giving you the best possible OTID experience that you could've gotten and I feel very sorry for that, but I can be realistic and admit that this blog is just not that active anymore, and that's okay. All things die out with time. Lying on me wont change the facts that you're lying.

I also invite the people who say I should've known better and that my intent was unclear in asking the question, to explain about what I should have known better and to prove I was somehow malicious. Why would I be malicious? Why would I attack OP in the way they claim I did? When do I ever do that? How does that even make sense? You can still go through the notes and see that after I asked them for an explanation, nobody attacked them. You can also see that the OP went out of their way to attack me, while they explained calmly to another user what they meant.

What makes us different? Neither one of us understood. I can't read tones online, neither can that other user. I also am not a native speaker, so I sometimes get things wrong, hence why I asked. Why do they deserve kindness and I am accused of ill-intent for asking the same thing? Their replies and notes were off. I couldn't see the replies. This isn't Twitter. If you close those things off, other users don't see them and can't know you've made them. Why would anyone post things publicly but not expect a public response from anyone else?

I'd understand if I was attacking OP and they reacted like this, but I wasn't. My response wasn't malicious. I asked the source to explain, because I didn't understand. How is that malicious? To the people who say they see their point, please explain, because I do not see it and I really want to know. How is me genuinely asking what something that I don't understand means malicious? Even after publicly saying that I actually agree with a lot of things they said on their blog about fatphobia and so on. Supporting the cause? Understanding their points? Agreeing? I'm malicious?

I would also like to invite the people who claim I asked them in a known and rude/malicious meme format kind of way to prove that I did that. I did not know of this meme you speak of, but after checking for it online and finding the "well-known meme format" that was mentioned (which wasn't that well-known since I've never heard of it), my wording was not the same. It wasn't even close. So this argument, how can you claim it to be true?

And lastly, can anyone sincerely tell me how does it make sense for me to suddenly have a complete personality change, decide to reblog something to troll a user I don't even know just to be cruel to them, suddenly be malicious and fatphobic and be a completely different person that you all have known me to be for the past six years? If that was really who I am, wouldn't have the masked slipped way sooner? Why would I pretend to be not a complete POS all this time to have "What does this mean?" hill to die on? This is silly.

I wasn't being fatphobic. I wasn't mocking OP. I wasn't attacking OP. I wasn't being 'snarky'. I simply asked them what something they said meant, because I didn't understand what they meant. My brain wasn't computing. I didn't get their wording. I stumbled upon their post on the explore page, and wasn't seeking them out to antagonize them or anything else they might have claimed. I don't like hurting people. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. If I do hurt somebody I want to do everything in my power to correct it.

My followers weren't harassing them after that question. The OP didn't receive hundreds of hate messages after that question. OP is lying and it's easily to prove that they are. I don't know why they're lying and I'm not willing to get into that because I can't even assume, but one thing is clear - OP had a disproportionate reaction to a question that shouldn't have warranted such a reply. They doubled down and continued claiming victimhood in a situation where they haven't been victimized.

I genuinely feel sorry for them. I believe they've been victimized before. I know this sounds patronizing, but I really do feel sorry for them. I just don't appreciate that they've decided to do a victim cosplay over this and tried to villainize me for asking this question:

Ending this with my final thoughts: fatphobia is real and hurts people. I don't support fatphobia. I don't stand for it. I've met a lot of fatphobes in my life and all of them were deeply hurtful and insecure people who took out their insecurities on others. Here on OTID we don't vibe with shaming people for their weight nor for how they look. Fat people are people. Skinny people are people. We're all the same on the inside, bones and organs. What matters is how we treat others. I want to spend my days treating others with kindness and receiving kindness back. I like putting smiles on people's faces, not hurting others. I do get it wrong sometimes, and I acknowledge that, but I always try to correct myself, learn and be a better person. I admit when I'm wrong.

If this is my hill to die on, then so be it. But I promise you that I did not reblog OP's post and asked that question to make fun of them or invite harassment to them. I can't believe I even have to repeat this so many times, but I was asking because I didn't understand. I stand behind everything I've said. If your claim to fame is trying to fight me, you highly overestimate how many active followers I have and the kind of community you'll find here. If you want to cancel me for being fatphobic, I'm sorry to say but the only person I've ever been cruel to and who I've bodyshamed was my own self.

[drewsbuzzcut]

Part 5 of the breakup please!!!

Tangled In The Weight Of Our Own Lies

college baseball player!drew starkey x fem!reader

part of the college baseball au (the breakup part 5) pt 1 , pt 2 , pt 3 , pt 4

warnings: angst, miscarriage, mourning, cuss words, arguing, hints at panic and anxiety attacks. Please don’t read if any of these topics will be difficult to read. Your mental health is always first!

“Drew?” You mumble surprised, not expecting Drew to be the one knocking at your door so late at night.

Drew was just as surprised when you opened the door. Not because you opened it, but because the shape you were in wasn’t like he had ever seen before. Your hair was knotted, not tame like he’s always seen it. Your eyes were bloodshot and you had dark circles underneath. Even when you stayed up all those late nights, studying for finals or midterms, he’s never seen your eyes look like that. Not to mention, your lips were chapped which was probably from you biting them in anxiety, and because you probably weren’t drinking enough water.

“What are you doing here?” You ask after Drew stays silent.

He winces when he hears how hoarse your voice is.

“I needed to come see you and talk to you. Can I come in?”

You just move to the side as a sign for him to walk in. You both situate yourselves on the sofa and wait to see who will talk first.

“Drew? What did you want to talk about?” Your tone is snappy and you look annoyed.

“Right. Um… well you see, I went to Houston and did the tour and everything; it was so insane. I really think I’ll like the city. I even got to sign a contract which you know is my biggest dream,” Drew says to you.

“Wow. That’s great, Drew. I’m really happy for you,” you whisper because you know that at any minute the tears will break loose.

Drew wants to ask if everything's fine, but he’s afraid that you’ll shut him out again. He knew he needed to pry you open, but he also didn’t want to make you upset.

“Yeah, but you see the thing is that I always pictured you in that dream, and I still do. After the tour and everything I went to a bar to just drown my sorrows. This girl I met there talked with me about love, and that if I truly love someone, I shouldn’t let them slip away,” Drew explains.

Your sadness turns to anger in less than a second. How could he just talk to some random girl about your business, and then have the nerve to tell you about it.

“So you came here just to tell me about a girl you met?” You accuse.

Drew’s faint smile instantly drops into a frown. You were taking it the wrong way and he was about to mess things up even more.

“No. No, it isn’t like that,” Drew says frantically.

“Then what’s it like? Huh?”

“She helped me to see that no matter what I will always need you, and that it’s okay to always need and want you.”

“Bullshit! It seems like you met a nice girl who wanted to know about your business and you just had to chat her up!” You almost yell out.

Drew didn’t think you’d freak out, or feel so upset about him mentioning another woman.

“Then you had the fucking nerve to come here and tell me about. Are you trying to rub it in my face that you’re getting everything you’ve ever wanted!” You scream.

Drew shakes his head repeatedly and goes toward you with open arms, trying to hold your body tightly to his to comfort you. You just back away.

“Well guess what, good for you. Move to Houston, get with that girl and live your life away from me, the so-called ‘one that you need’,” you continue.

Drew roughly cards his fingers through his hair, trying not to yell out in frustration. He needed you to listen.

“No! I’m trying to tell you that you’re the one-“

“No! No! I needed you, Drew and you weren’t there!” You cry out, falling to your knees. It hurt too much to think about the baby, the future, you lost.

“What…?” Drew questions confused.

“I needed you, but you were about to head to Houston, ready to start your life while I was holding onto something that I never knew I wanted, but I couldn’t even hold onto it because it was ripped from me,” you say, breathing heavily and tears falling fast.

“What are you talking about? I’m here now. I’m here now,” Drew mutters, getting on the ground to be eye level with you.

“I was pregnant,” you finally say the words that you were so scared to say.

“You’re pregnant?” Drew sounds so shocked.

“Was. I found out just after we broke up. I lost them the morning you called to tell me about the letter you got in the mail,” you tell him some of the details.

“Y/n, why didn’t you say anything?”

You scoff at his question.

“What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, Drew. Congrats on your offer, but I just wanted to let you know that I was pregnant with your child and I ended up losing them this morning.’ Be for real, Drew.”

“Something. Anything. You could have told me anything! I asked you if there was something wrong on the phone that day,” Drew claims.

“I couldn’t admit it to myself, so I definitely wouldn’t have been able to tell you- especially over the phone.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Drew admits, tears in his eyes. They’re seconds from spilling over and you hated seeing him cry.

“Don’t say anything. Just go and never come back,” you direct him.

“What? No! I came here for you and I’m not leaving until I know I have you!” Drew seemed like he wasn’t giving up, but you weren’t giving in.

“Go to Houston and don’t look back,” you say.

“No. I know what you’re going through is unimaginable especially because you were on your own. I should’ve begged you to tell me about it that day. I hate seeing you so sad and lifeless. Please! Please just give me another chance,” he’s holding onto your shoulders, staring right into your eyes. It causes you to break down again.

“You don’t really want me,” you laugh sarcastically, trying to hide your pain as best as you can.

“I do!” Drew states.

“No, because if you really did, it wouldn’t have taken some random girl at a bar for you to come here,” you say bitterly.

“I already told you it’s not like that. It’s not like she forced me to come here! I wanted to come here. I have been wanting to get you back ever since you walked out of my front door, but I have been convincing myself that you didn’t need me begging you and that if you wanted to come back, then you’d come back. Persephone only helped me see that it isn’t wrong to fight for you. I was dumb to ever think that it’d be wrong to fight for you,” Drew states.

“Persephone,” you whisper.

You haven’t stopped crying and the yelling only made your voice more faint. Your breathing wasn’t even, and you felt that you might pass out.

“I swear there’s nothing between me and her. I do have her number-“

“Get out!” You interrupt.

Standing up, you go to open your front door for him.

“No! It’s not like that!” You stop in your tracks before you could get to the door.

“You keep saying that, but I’m not believing it,” you say back.

“I only gave her my number because she wanted me to text to let her know that everything went well, and that we are back together. Please, y/n! Please stop pushing me away!,” Drew pleads.

“All I can do is push you away! I know it’s not your fault that I went through my loss alone, but I don’t know how to open up to you anymore,” you try to speak through your sobs.

“It’s not just your loss. You may have gone through it alone, but that was my baby, too. You can open yourself up to me, you’ve done it before. I love you! I love you so much and I’m willing to do anything to prove it. What do you need me to do? I love you, y/n. If being together means not going to Houston and following you to New York, then I will do it. I need you. I can’t live without you. I won’t,” he cries out and it takes everything in you not to wrap him in your arms.

“No. You have to go to Houston. It’s your dream and I can’t take that away from you.”

Drew’s face is crestfallen, he looks like he doesn’t know what to do. He’s lost.

“It’s not my dream without you. You’re my dream,” he whispers against the skin of your knuckles.

“You may think that, but in the long run you’ll resent me for taking you away from the one thing you’ve always wanted,” you keep disagreeing with him.

“No I won’t. I love you and I want you in my life,” Drew keeps trying.

You stay quiet with tears still running down your cheeks. You have to let yourself think about how things would go from this point on if you would just admit to him that you still want him.

“Marry me,” Drew pulls you out of your thoughts with his impulsive request.

You gasp when you see the closed velvet box sitting in his hand, waiting for you to say yes.

The ring box had been sitting heavy in Drew’s pocket, practically burning a hole.

“You cannot be serious.”

“Marry me.”

“No! How dare you think that asking me will just magically fix everything. It’s not fixing anything! You need to leave, now!” You accuse him and then guide him to your door.

“This isn’t me fixing things. I’m not just trying to put a bandaid on your open wound, but I’m trying to show you that I have always known you were it for me. I have had this ring since junior year. We graduate in 2 weeks. You have been it since the day I met you,” he sighs. His voice is dejected and he can’t look you in the eyes anymore.

You know you’re hurting him by pushing him further away, but it was just too much right now. You didn’t know how to be the woman he deserved after you went through your loss, hell, you were still mourning. Every day you cry about the baby you’ll never get to meet, and you don’t know how to ask for help.

“Go,” it’s the best thing you could do for the both of you.

He nods his head, shoving the ring box back in his pocket and walking out your door. He turns around to look at you one more time, but you’re not looking back, and then he realizes that he didn’t know how to win you back after all. Too much had changed.

As he walks back to his car, the ring box weighs more than it used to and it weighs on his heart. He didn’t want to give you up ever again. He needed to find out how to be there for you without actually being there, so you could see that he still loved you.

a/n: This is part 5 of the breakup!!! There should only be one part left and I’m super excited to write it. I hope you all enjoy!

[deaf-solitude]

Bloodsucker Pt. 2 (Vampire!Frenchie x GN!Reader)

Takes place post-season 1, pre-season 2 once again!

Pairing: Vampire!Frenchie x GN!Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: Blood, death, detailed violence, vampire feeding, fluff???, they’re goofy your honour

((Oh my god I’m SO sorry for how long I’ve been gone, writer's block hit me like a mf but I’M FINALLY BACK!! Back with pt 2 of the vampire!Frenchie fic B). I took some liberties on the mechanics/weaknesses of vampires in this part (i.e. they can go out in the sun (but are prone to sunburns), how they act when they haven’t been able to feed in a while, etc), which I hope doesn’t screw up anything too much. If anyone would like an explanation of how vampires work in this AU, lmk and I’ll make a more detailed post about it. Also this came out a lot more platonic than i intended I’m so sorry lol. ALSO ALSO i probably wont write a part 3 unless it’s explicitly asked for, and if you guys do want a pt 3, let me know what you’d like to see in it and maybe i'll get around to it :D anyway, enjoy!))

To say you were now incredibly worried was an understatement.

Over the few days since the whole vampire accusation, things had only looked worse and worse for Frenchie. The opportunities to feed on bodies after raids were practically nonexistent because of the newly implemented rules and the crew had gotten annoyingly creative in their attempts to “ward off” the suspected vampire among them. You were afraid you were never going to be able to get the smell of garlic out of your nose after this all blew over since they had been hanging up bulbs and cloves everywhere you could imagine; you had even found a bulb stashed away in the storage closet you usually napped in, which you were quick to throw out of the nearest porthole.

Despite the crew’s valiant efforts, Frenchie had informed you that garlic didn’t actually repel vampires, but it did cause what you chalked up to be a minor allergic reaction in them. This was good news since Jim had forced every person on the ship to eat a raw clove shortly after the initial incident. You were never fond of garlic, so the experience was less than pleasant, but having to deal with a bleary-eyed and runny-nosed Frenchie afterward might’ve been worse.

But what really had you worried was the raids. Blackbeard’s strict schedule of at least one raid per day didn’t let up in the slightest with the discovery of a vampire on board, and as time went on, you noticed Frenchie acting… weirder than normal.

The exhaustion came first, which was one of the symptoms you expected from him not being able to feed. It started with him getting more tired than usual as the day went on, and then taking longer to wake up in the mornings. Next thing you knew, he started joining you on your cat naps in the closet, where you’d have to practically drag him out while he was still half asleep to avoid getting caught. Now, even in the middle of the day, he fought to keep his eyes open, and you had often caught him falling asleep standing up while leaning against a post.

Then there was the weakness. You had never been a particularly strong person before being forced into Blackbeard’s crew, but you knew Frenchie was at least a bit stronger than you due to his height. He had always been able to handle larger crates of treasure easily with the help of Jim, but now he could hardly keep himself on two feet, let alone transport cargo. There were several times when you’d send Frenchie down with a crate, you’d hear a loud clunk shortly after, and when you rushed down to check on him, the crate would be tipped over on the floor with Frenchie standing out of breath next to it and complaining that his arms hurt. It was even easier to tackle and drag him around now since he had little strength to pull away.

This didn’t prove useful in raids, both for his well-being and your mental health.

You had practically adopted the role of his bodyguard, having to save his ass from combatants on multiple occasions. In one particular instance, the raid had started fine. Sure, Frenchie was a bit drowsy, but it was nothing too concerning to you at the time. A few minutes later you were desperately trying to yank an enraged man off of Frenchie, who was pinned underneath him and screaming for you to do something. Jim eventually stomped over and repeatedly stabbed the attacker in the back, causing him to crumple over right on top of Frenchie. After Jim quickly returned to their combat, you then spent another minute trying to haul the now dead man off of Frenchie, who could barely lift the body an inch off of his chest.

Today, you decided to keep a keener eye on your companion as you boarded a new ship. While Blackbeard did his usual drawn-out and dramatic entrance, you were already watching Frenchie out of the corner of your eye, who was standing beside you. Well, standing the best he could. He was swaying slightly in place, his eyes repeatedly fluttering shut and jolting open again once he realized they had closed. You bit your cheek and turned your attention back to Blackbeard. He was fucked.

It wasn’t long before Blackbeard finished his spiel and the crew leapt into action, eager to slaughter any adversary they could get their hands on. You took a breath to try and calm your nerves before lightly slapping Frenchie on the back in an attempt to wake him up a bit more, rushing forward to join your crewmates soon after. He jumped at the contact and swivelled his head to see who had hit him, when he very suddenly realized that they were, in fact, in the middle of raiding a ship. He cursed under his breath before sluggishly following after you, clumsily setting up his “claws” in his hands.

As blood started to spill, you saw Frenchie perk up, whirling around to stare at a man who had just recently been felled by Fang. What he failed to notice was another man coming up behind him, sword drawn and ready to strike. You were quick to cross the deck towards the two, slicing a gash into the man’s chest without hesitation before turning to Frenchie. He was about to lunge for the body when you caught the scruff of his jacket, yanking him back. “Are you fuckin’ mental?” You hissed, struggling to keep Frenchie in place.

“Wh-huh? No, no, I’m good,” he slurred, his eyes locked onto the body as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. You groaned, slapping his face lightly. That caught his attention and his head snapped back to look at you with a glare. You paid the nasty look no mind, pulling Frenchie slightly closer to you as your face darkened with annoyance.

“Behave,” you growled before letting go of his jacket to twirl around and deflect an oncoming sword with your own. Frenchie rolled his eyes, mumbling something about how he wasn’t a dog and that he could control himself, gracelessly lunging at another poor sailor soon after.

You had just knocked the sword out of your opponent's hand when you heard the tear of flesh and the choked scream that could only be accredited to Frenchie’s handy work. When you turned around to check on him, he was salivating above the bleeding man with wide, unfocused eyes. He almost got a bite in had you not immediately abandoned your own scuffle to drag him away from the dying man once again.

The raid turned into one big game of keep away between you and Frenchie, much to your dismay. You’d turn your back on him for a second to focus on not being killed, and when you looked back at him a moment later, he’d be hovering over another dead or dying body that you inevitably had to yank him back from, and the process would repeat. You were starting to worry that it looked far too suspicious to be normal, but not much was normal about the crew anyway with the way they ripped apart seamen and pirates alike.

Speaking of, the crew had torn this ship’s crew to shreds in record time, and soon everyone was standing in piles of blood, guts, and gore of their own making. Not a single soul was left alive aboard that ship.

You stopped your fretting over Frenchie for a second as you took in the sight of both the countless bodies that littered the bloodied deck, and the numb faces of your crewmates. Your heart sunk in your chest for a brief moment; the crew couldn’t keep doing this for much longer. The heavy footsteps of Blackbeard spurred you from your grief, instinctively yanking Frenchie back to your side after he had tried (and failed) to sneak over to another body.

Blackbeard’s cold gaze studied the crew, tilting his head slightly before speaking: “Alright, collect the plunder and let’s move on, lads.” His nonchalant voice cut through the melancholy mood of the crew like a hot knife, everyone flinching slightly before being quickly propelled into action. You huffed as you watched Blackbeard retreat to the confines of the Revenge, slowly turning to look at Frenchie with an agitated glare. He faltered under your gaze, taking on the expression and posture of a kicked puppy.

“You owe me big time,” you grumbled, poking an accusing finger into Frenchie’s chest. Before he could get a single apology or excuse in, you practically dragged Frenchie–who had started frequently stumbling as he walked–off of the raided ship and onto the Revenge. Despite your annoyance, you were quick to offer your support to him, letting him lean on you as the two of you trudged off that damned ship. He had protested, saying that you two had to haul treasure, but you knew he’d drop it anyway and kept walking.

It was hard to stay mad at Frenchie, it really was. The longer you walked in silence, the more guilty you felt about the whole situation.

You brought him down to his room and sat him on the bed, eying him warily as he flopped over onto the mattress and groggily blinked up at the ceiling. “So what exactly happens if you don’t drink blood for a long time?” You started, nervously wringing your hands out as you sat on the other end of the bed.

“Umm, I d-don’t know for sure,” he muttered, his head lolling from side to side as he struggled to keep himself awake, “I th-think I dry up and die or something.” You weren’t sure about the dying part, but you had noticed his cheeks becoming increasingly hollow over the past couple of days.

Again, you couldn’t help but feel like this was your fault. If you had just ignored that stupid gap in the wall, the crew never would have found out. You sighed, bouncing your knee nervously as you thought of what to do.

…Well, you did have an idea in mind, but you weren’t sure about going through with it.

Your mouth started moving on its own before you could really think the idea through: “What if I…” you paused, biting your lip with uncertainty. When Frenchie looked up at you with big eyes and that stupid pout, you knew you’d lost.

“What if I let you… feed on me?” You mumbled, your words hardly above a whisper, but Frenchie heard them loud and clear. He nearly jumped you, actually, taking hold of your shoulders and leaning forward with dizzying speed.

“Really? Like right now?” He exclaimed suddenly, sounding more energetic than he had in days. You grimaced, averting your gaze before sighing in defeat.

“I suppose. Can’t have my napping buddy shrivelling up on me now, can I?” You joked nervously, but it went right over Frenchie’s head as he grinned brightly.

“Oh my God, you’re the best!” He praised, engulfing you in a tight embrace. You wheezed, patting his back with a strained smile on your face.

“Yep. No problem,” you huffed, struggling to breathe, “just, uh, give me a sec to gather myself, yeah?” Frenchie nodded, willing to go along with anything to let him feed on you at this point. You sighed heavily, scooting backwards on the bed and leaning up against the wall, unbuttoning a few of your shirt’s top buttons to expose more of your shoulder.

“N-nothing too obvious, okay? Below the neck, preferably,” you stammered, watching warily as Frenchie practically foamed at the mouth. You straightened your back slightly, your fingers digging nervously into the tattered sheets of Frenchie’s bed as he slowly crawled on after you. It was… extremely creepy, with the way his eyes were blown wide and his lethargic movements mimicking that of a cat stalking its prey.

“Yeah, yep, ‘course,” he replied mindlessly, drawing closer and closer to you. He positioned himself dangerously close to the junction between your neck and shoulder, his warm breath fanning against your skin sending a shiver up your spine.

“How much do you think this is gonna hurt?” You questioned to give yourself a distraction, unable to stop yourself from shaking as Frenchie grabbed your shoulders to keep you still. You figured the answer was obvious, but maybe you were overestimating how painful it would be in your mind.

“A lot,” Frenchie stated bluntly before suddenly sinking his fangs into the flesh between your neck and shoulder.

You were not overestimating it.

If anything, you were severely underestimating how much it would hurt, and Frenchie’s blunt statement did nothing to describe the pain you felt.

You had to stop yourself from screaming, quickly slapping your hand over your mouth after a sharp inhale. It felt like two giant needles had just been stabbed into your shoulder, stinging like hell and almost making you queasy enough to pass out. Despite that, you clung to your consciousness, fighting to keep yourself quiet as Frenchie started to drink your blood properly. A cold creeping feeling crawled its way down your spine from your shoulder: it was excruciatingly painful and uncomfortable as you got colder and colder, but you held out for Frenchie’s sake.

Speaking of Frenchie, you couldn’t help but notice how incredibly… intimate this seemed on his part. Forget the location of the bite, Frenchie was making some questionable noises and hums as he continued to feed on you, pushing his body against yours and feverishly grasping at the other side of your neck. You could’ve sworn you saw his eyes roll back, but it was difficult to tell from this angle.

Before you could ponder that thought any longer, you started to get woozy, feeling unnaturally cold. “Frenchie,” you whined weakly, attempting to gently nudge him away. He didn’t budge, pressing himself against you further. You sighed, and with the little strength you had left, pushed against him with all your might. “Frenchie, get off!” You hissed, finally spurring him out of his daze as his fangs withdrew from your flesh. He stumbled backwards from the force, but managed to land on his feet as he was shoved off of the bed.

His breathing was heavy as he stared at you for a few seconds, his mouth parted slightly and his pupils still blown wide. It took a moment for him to process your sorry state before his skittish demeanor returned, gulping in what seemed like awe as he dragged his hands down the back of his neck to try and ground himself. He wasn’t really sure what to do now; usually his “meals” were already dead or dying. Not sure if he should move closer to you again, he could only quietly apologize: “S-sorry, sorry. God, that was…”

“Good?” You heaved, bracing yourself with your hands against your knees while your head was bowed in exhaustion. You stared up at Frenchie through bleary eyes, who had your blood smeared all over his face, looking very pleased with himself because of it.

“Oh, better than good. I haven’t had fresh blood in ages, and yours tasted heavenly.” Frenchie marveled, freezing after his unintentional hushed statement as he stared at you with wide eyes. You did unfortunately hear him, raising a brow at his mortified expression while your lips quirked into a small, teasing smile. His face flushed but he didn’t comment any further on the notion, looking away as his tongue darted out to nervously lick away some of the blood still left on his lips.

Before you could unpack all of that, a splitting migraine invaded your skull, causing your vision to go blurry as you made a strained sound of pain. You tried to hold yourself upright, but you could feel yourself quickly tipping forward from the sudden wave of dizziness that hit you.

Before you could fall far, Frenchie had swiftly caught you in his arms with a concerned cry of your name. “Oh Jesus fucking Christ, I haven’t killed you, have I?” You could faintly hear as you clung to your consciousness, trying your best to right yourself to no avail. You could feel yourself being gently picked up and moved slightly, and then placed back down on a soft surface.

“Fuck, fuck, I’ve killed them. What am I gonna tell the crew? Where am I gonna hide the body?” You could hear Frenchie fretting, the guilt finally kicking in for him. You groaned hearing his outlandish thoughts spoken aloud, weakly reaching your hand in his direction.

“I’m not dead, you fucker,” you croaked, trying to blink your heavy eyelids open.

You could hear Frenchie gasp, and a sound that vaguely sounded like something falling to the floor beside you. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know what came over me! I-I got carried away,” he apologized profusely, taking one of your hands in both of his own like you were on your deathbed. You snorted softly, a wobbly smile spreading across your face at the action.

“Relax. I don’t think you could kill me if you tried,” you teased in a weak voice, finally managing to get your eyes open to give him a look. You had expected him to be standing above you, but after a second of your eyes searching the room, you found that he had kneeled down on the floor next to the bed. You had to stop yourself from bursting into laughter at the sight.

Frenchie’s face scrunched up in confusion at your comment before a look of confusion and slight offence overtook it. “What the fuck’s that s’posed to mean? And why are you… giggling?” You managed to laugh weakly at his reaction as you turned your head away, bringing a small smile to Frenchie’s face in the process.

“N-nothing, it’s-” you cut yourself off with more hushed laughter as you looked at him again, bringing your free hand up to cover your mouth in an attempt to stifle your outburst.

“Is it because I’m kneeling? Because I’m worried that I killed my closest friend?” Frenchie taunted, though it was obvious that his words were all playful by the huge grin that spread across his face. You couldn’t stop laughing as he continued to speak, turning away from him to try and hide your face. You had no coherent answer for him, and that only encouraged Frenchie’s teasing.

“Wow. I just… this is unbelievable. I never thought you’d stoop so low, laughing at my… my concern for you,” he snarked, putting a hand on his chest in mock offence.

“Stop, stop! God, it hurts,” you exclaimed through strained giggles, clutching your stomach in pain with a wide grin on your face as your constant laughter started to give you a cramp.

Frenchie hadn’t taken your exclamation the right way initially, thinking that he actually did something to hurt you. His expression dropped almost immediately, trying to figure out what he had done as he started to withdraw his hand from yours. “O-oh, I-”

You were just as quick to snatch his hand back up when you noticed that he had started to pull away, nearly gasping as you did so. “N-no, no! You’re fine, Frenchie. It just hurts to laugh so much,” you explained hastily with a warm smile, easing his concerns.

It had been so long since you’d laughed that hard.

Frenchie’s face lit up with relief, and then quickly turned red with embarrassment. He smiled sheepishly, quite thankful that you had kept his hand in yours as he gave yours a soft squeeze. “Ah, right…”

A comfortable silence fell over the two of you as you laid on his bed, your eyes drifting down to where your hands interlocked. You had taken to idly running your thumb over Frenchie’s knuckles, a soothing gesture that you were focused on.

“B-but seriously; thank you. I, uhm… I needed that.” He mumbled, watching you run your thumbs over his knuckles with a soft expression.

“Yeah, clearly. I mean, fuck, do I even need to mention what just took place during the raid?” You ragged, playfully rolling your eyes as the lightheadedness slowly dissipated from your body. You sat up slowly with Frenchie’s help, hissing quietly as the puncture wounds on between your neck and shoulder were jostled.

Frenchie scoffed exasperatedly, slapping your arm lightly as a light blush spread across his face again. “Will you shut up? It wasn’t that bad.”

You gave Frenchie an unimpressed look, raising your eyebrows. You opened your mouth to rebuke him, but he was quick to shush you before a single sound could come from you.

“I don’t need you to recount it, thank you.”

You laughed again, hesitantly cupping one side of Frenchie’s face with your hand, who was still kneeling on the floor. “You're welcome,” you smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Frenchie’s forehead. He blinked in surprise, inhaling sharply at the soft gesture of affection. A conflicted expression crossed his face as he looked up at you with wide eyes.

”Why… why are you doing this for me, anyways?” He questioned quietly, pouting slightly. You pursed your lips, not exactly sure why you were going to such lengths for him in the first place; you had barely known him for more than a few months, and yet here you were, risking your life for him.

”…Because you’re my friend, and that’s what friends do,” you answered hesitantly, still not totally confident in your reasoning.

Frenchie seemed to catch onto this, looking amused as he raised a brow at you: “Yeah, because normal people are always letting their vampire friends feed on them.”

You groaned, dragging a hand down your face. “Shut up. I just care about you, okay? Is that illegal now? Am I going to be arrested?” You argued playfully, rolling your eyes.

Frenchie chuckled, still not quite content with your answer. “You care about a vampire? A monster?”

”I do. Shoot me,” you snapped sarcastically, choosing not to comment on his monster classification just yet. That seemed like a completely different problem to unpack, and you were too exhausted—both physically and mentally—to properly address it just yet.

Frenchie barked out another laugh, finally dragging himself off of the floor to sit next to you on the bed. “Okay, whatever you say, you weirdo,” he finally caved, dropping the subject for now. You snorted at his name calling, shaking your head with a smile.

Frenchie’s eyes drifted back to the puncture wounds at the base of your neck, wincing at how deep they were. They weren’t bleeding, but there was blood smeared around the area from how hurriedly he was feeding. Heat rose to his face again at the thought, but he quickly tried to distract himself from it by getting up to get a rag and some bandages.

”Let’s get you patched up, yeah?” He smiled bashfully at you, nervously wiping at his mouth again in case there was any blood left behind. You chuckled at the gesture, bringing your legs up onto the bed to sit criss crossed.

”That’d be appreciated, yes.”

[ftmtftm]

This is a long ask sorry. Recently I saw screenshots of some transmascs (usernames were understandably cropped out) saying that transandrophobia stems from “sex, which is immutable” and these screenshots were being held up as a reason why the idea of transandrophobia was stupid (and if this is the only encounter someone has had with the conversation around transandrophobia I don’t necessarily blame them because that is stupid)

I think in response to that post going around, I’ve also seen a couple people (who were transmasc themselves) accusing people that believe in transandrophobia of like, perpetuating radfem rhetoric and claiming “femaleness when it’s convenient, to victimize themselves”.

I was wondering if you had any thoughts or insight on navigating conversation about transandrophobia or antitrans masculinity when there is the occasional bio essentialist shithead, and that kind of person seems to be the most associated with the theory?

Okay so - I just want to preface this and say this is genuinely just my own personal course of action informed by a lot of my experiences having been on Tumblr for over a decade. I honestly don't know how helpful it is for others, but it's ultimately how I personally do it, so I'll share.

My go to response for the kind of people who seem to be self victimizing or who seem to be bio essentialist shitheads - and my go to response to the people who use that to say they're perpetuating radfem rhetoric by self victimizing - is honestly usually to just scroll past, sometimes block depending personal comfort, and move on.

Sometimes I do engage despite my better judgment and usually? I feel like shit afterwards because it ended up being pointless arguing. Most times I'll draft something that responds to concepts being brought up by those people and make my own post later or I'll reblog a relevant post that I've already made, but I do really try not to directly engage and I would encourage others to do the same.

Instead, I try to contribute in the ways I'm personally good at like via academia/original posts/answering asks. I feel very confident in my own opinions and my ability to back them up in response to accusations of Radfem ideals and self victimization because I know myself and I know my understanding of both Radical Feminism and Intersectional, Black, Decolonialist Feminism. I pretty constantly try to do a lot of self examination, but ultimately I'm confident in my core ethics and morals and I try to reflect that out to others in a human way. That carries a lot of weight for me personally.

That's all really important to me because this is ultimately still Tumblr and there's a lot of people in a lot of pain here. It's the piss on the poor hellscape webed site full of extremely traumatized people that have been at each other's throats over the worst faith readings of every opinion possible for longer than some users have even been alive.

When you've been here and in discourse spaces specifically for awhile - it becomes pretty obvious when a hurt person is lashing out and not actually engaging with an idea in a way that isn't focused on their own pain. I can do what I can, but those conversations specifically tend to devolve into nothing good real fast. So? It's just genuinely not something I try to dedicate a lot of time to engaging directly with. Especially because it gets really exhausting and honestly bad for my own mental health at certain points.

Hopefully that's helpful in some way? I'm genuinely not really sure if it is, but I hope so.

[sflow-er]

I don’t think August will have any kind of legal repercussions unless the drugs do come out and/or he gets officially accused for the video and it becomes a Wilmon vs August situation. I do think though we might get social justice and honestly that’s the biggest punishment for August since his status is all he cares about and needs in order to succeed in life. If they take that away from him he is done (which is also why I could maybe see his mental health getting even worse).

That being said, 6 episodes (even if one of them might reach a one hour length) aren’t enough and I’m scared the multiple storylines will be rushed and some things not even properly addressed…

Hi anon! Sorry it's taken me a couple of days to reply.

I'm a little confused about the first part, as the drugs and the video are the only things August has even done that could lead to legal repercussions. But I'm guessing this ask is more of a general response to my criminal justice post...? That post was never meant as a prediction of what is likely to happen in S3. It was an attempt to describe how things could potentially turn out if the show did go down the police investigation + charge route. Around the time when I wrote that post, many fans seemed to be hoping for August to get 475 years in prison for making and posting the video, which simply wasn't consistent with legal precedent or the basic tenets of the Swedish justice system. So, I wanted to try and explain the framework. As for the most likely outcome in the show, I do think 'social justice' (in your words) or perhaps even 'poetic justice' is a decent prediction! It would be a pretty fitting end to August's arc for him to be locked out of the inner circle he was so eager to gatekeep, and to see his own actions cost him everything when he started out telling Wille that people like them could get away with murder. That being said, I do think it's a bit of an oversimplification to say that status is all August cares about, as there's a lot more to it than just him being hungry for power and success. I mean, he definitely is, don't get me wrong! But his status is also inextricably linked to his father's memory and legacy, which he cares very much about, and his sense of self-worth, which is very low underneath all the bravado. In other words, you are spot on that losing his status would be a critical blow. I also agree that we'd have every reason to worry about his mental (and physical!) wellbeing in that scenario - and that's where my opinion probably diverges from the majority of the fandom. No matter how awful and wrong August's actions were and how much I want to see him held responsible (whether legally or socially), I personally believe in rehabilitation through accountability and effective intervention. Especially in young people whose brain isn't even done maturing yet, but also in adults (as my spouse's work in a relevant field proves to me over and over). I want to emphasise that I'm not talking about August being forgiven. His victims don't owe him that, nor does he deserve it when he doesn't even fully understand the gravity of his actions or regret the harm he caused to Simon for example. I'm just saying that seeing some consequences is an opportunity for him to get some help. To start dismantling his warped views, building the true self-worth he lacks and the resilience he needs to weather the loss of his status, and somewhere down the line, growing into someone who no longer hurts others and himself the way he's been doing. I'm aware that we probably won't get to see that growth in the six eps we've got left. I'm just crossing my fingers for some hints in that direction - him looking into therapy, picking up a pitchfork to muck out Rousseau's stall at a decrepit Årnäs, or if he does end up in community service for example, getting started on that. I am also reasonably prepared for some of his issues to not be addressed, even if I do see that as a huge missed opportunity. But I dread the possibility of the show ending with him in a state where we can expect him to end up like his father, completely alone and unable to cope with the consequences of his own actions. It would partly sully Wilmon's well-deserved justice for me and make for a tragic ending (and as August is quite universally hated in the fandom, I'm not at all sure how that would be received).

[icypantherwrites]

Update on AO3 Situation + Final RAINN Support Event

(this is a little long, but please, if possible, read to the end.)

AO3 has *finally* reinstated my fanfiction To Become the Nightmare and in a way this nightmare situation is over. I'm still extremely frustrated and disappointed though with AO3 especially as I am 99.9% certain the only reason my issue was finally addressed was because I tagged their support page on Twitter/X rather than any of my emails and communications to their actual Policy and Abuse team. They also provided no apology or reason for the delay or an explanation for why their staff provided a 1-week timeline that they then ignored for 3.5 weeks. I'm grateful to have my story back, but this entire ordeal has been awful in so many ways.

I will also admit on a personal note it was also disheartening to see how many folks sent me messages, asks (to the point I locked them down on Tumblr) and comments on AO3 stories (of which I'd know there'd be even more if AO3 hadn't made the blanket decision to lock down all guest comments) wanting to know where I'd be updating now, getting upset over the fact I use Patreon as they don't want paywalls to read my works, asking about the status of current stories and former stories, etc. and very rarely, if at all, even taking into account how all of this was affecting me.

I have poured years into posting on AO3, on making it a platform where I have over 2.5 million words worth of stories for everyone to enjoy, and am dealing with AO3 painting me as some villain because I linked to an organization to try to help sexual assault victims, and their complete lack of communication on top of all of that felt intentional. It's put me in a really bad mental health state and coming in daily to see multiple people asking and asking about how will *they* read my stories and making me feel guilty for not updating just... it really hurt. And the answer was I didn't know entirely what was going to happen and was still hoping for the best outcome with AO3. And contrary to some of the accusations I received, I never intended to put all of my new and upcoming works behind a Patreon paywall and certainly never planned to delete any works other than the single one I mentioned (and I explained why that was). I may have used Patreon's platform (because it has better formatting than say Tumblr) and made the works posted there available to the public (anyone can join as a free member, fyi), but that was never the end-game and the fact so many people got mad and angry and posted honestly kind of cruel asks and comments... I'm really hurt. I'm a person too and I share my works with my own time and energy and to have everyone so embroiled in this "me me me" energy when I was really struggling with what AO3 did, just... makes me not want to post anymore anywhere at all. I won't do that because I won't punish those folks who have been supportive and kind, but please, take a moment before you comment to think how it feels to be the recipient of a message like that. That's all the energy left I have to spend on that but please, be kind. Be understand. Be appreciative for what you do have and remember always that authors have feelings too.

Going forward I'll be looking to get back to updating existing stories and publishing some backlog on AO3 during this suspension/lock; however, I will be holding off on that until AO3 lifts their own blanket ban on guest comments as I know there are plenty of folks who prefer to engage that way and/or haven't yet been able to get accounts. You may have seen as well that my account, given that it seems to be AI-bots leading the reason for the guest ban, has been locked down to only AO3 accounts able to read my works. That will remain in effect until AO3 releases theirs and it may be something I ultimately do to protect my account and my works in the future, but for now once the current AO3 situation has been resolved that will go back to access to guest accounts as well.

In the meantime, with To Become the Nightmare restored and the fact my earlier RAINN support events have thus far yielded $2 for me to donate (which hurts in other ways xD Come on y'all, financial support for a great organization and some emotional support and love for the author, what's not to like about that?) I'm going to do one final event to try to raise some funds for RAINN and at least try to make a small, positive difference in all of this mess.

For the remainder of this week, anyone who leaves an engaged comment (100+ words, no quote-backs in that word count, about the fanfiction at hand) on To Become the Nightmare I will donate $2 per comment to RAINN. It would also personally mean a lot to me as this story never really had a lot of comment engagement in the first place AND on top of that it got a really, really toxic comment. I unfortunately get those folks regularly on sexual assault recovery fanfictions I write because they refuse to accept that everyone heals in different ways AND also refuse to take accountability where if they don't like what they're reading they have the power to hit the back button on their browser and just not read it. I left that particular comment up (you can see it on page 2) if you want a taste of some of the people I still encounter to this day. Anyways, it would mean a lot to hear from those who may want to read it, but given that it both a; has sexual assault and b; is an M-rating please do read it at your own discretion. I'm posting the full summary below and please read the warnings tagged on the story. I'll post an update at the end of the week with how much we managed to raise for RAINN (and if you'd like to donate on your own too, please feel free~! ♥)

To Become the Nightmare

Summary: [College AU] “And if you didn’t want to have fun,” nails dug into Lance’s skin as the grip tightened and Dios, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t move, “then you shouldn’t have been such a pretty little tease, freshie. You wanted to hang with the big boys? Well,” he chuckled, “welcome to the real party.” Hot breath wafted over Lance’s face as the upperclassmen smirked down at him. “Now let’s get it started.”

[scoobydoodean]

might be a weird question, but youre probably like the top supernatural scholar on tumblr, at least definitely on the deangirl side, so i was wondering if you could summarise what the overall story/big bad of seasons 6 through 10 for me?

i binged the entire show in a week or two during lockdown and im definitely suffering primacy and recency bias because i cannot remember what happened in the middle seasons to save my life.

🔫 🔫 🔫 Watch Supernatural again

Season 6: Sam come back from hell but with no soul. Dean scared of and for him. Cas fighting civil war against Raphael who want to start Apocalypse Part 2 Electric Boogaloo. Dean busy worry about Sam. Cas busy worry about Raphael. Hurt feelings both sides. Crowley threaten Sam and Dean into working for him. Dean get Sam soul back but at risk Sam go crazy. Cas pretend kill Crowley. Cas actually in cahoots with Crowley. Crowstiel hungry want to open Purgatory to eat all the souls. Cas want to eat souls to kill Raphael. Crowley want to eat souls to become Big Threat. Sam and Dean and Bobby find out Cas lie. Hurt. Worried Cas get hurt. Worried Purgatory soul eating plan cause more apocalypse. Cas break Sam's brain to keep Sam and Dean from standing in way. Sam mental hurt. Cas double cross Crowley. Eat all Purgatory souls. Cas kill Raphael. Cas say he is god now and demand worship.

Season 7: Cas full of hubris. Cas kill most angels. Cas kill racists and homophobes. Cas realize pregnant with Leviathan swallowed from Purgatory on accident. Very bad. Sick. Dying. Not strong enough. Cas ask for Dean help. Team Free Will try to put all souls back in Purgatory. Leviathan do not leave Cas. Cas walk into lake not return. Dean keep trenchcoat. Sad. Drinking lots. Sam hallucinating. Trying be okay. Getting worse. Leviathan try take over world with evil sandwich. Leviathan kill Bobby. Cas turn out alive but no memory. Cas remember he Cas. Cas take Sam crazy away. Cas become crazy instead. Stay in mental health hospital. Kevin Tran find out is prophet. Get caught up in apocalypse. Sam and Dean and ghost Bobby and Crowley try to kill Dick. Need Cas help. Dean and Cas fight and make up. Cas help. Dean and Cas disappear after Dick explode. Land in Purgatory. Surrounded by gorilla wolves. Cas fly away leave Dean alone in dark. Prophet Kevin Tran kidnapped by Crowley.

Season 8: Dean come back from Purgatory with new friend cajun vampire Benny. No Cas. Dean think dead. Dean Cas and Benny join up and fight in Purgatory. Cas not escape. Dean think his fault but not. Sam hit dog and hook up with girl who call him white supremacist and force him to adopt dog. Sam leave when her husband come back from war. Sam find out Dean alive and go to him. Dean find out Sam not look for him and Cas and leave Kevin to die. Dean angry hurt. Sam and Dean go look for Kevin. Sam tell Dean to shut up and never mention hurt again. Crowley big problem. Sam Dean Kevin find out gates of hell can be closed. Crowley and other demons no longer problem then. Kevin need demon tablet to figure out how. Must go through Trials to close gates. Sam want be one to go through Trials to close gates of hell. Promise to live and save Dean from depression. Quickly forget and tell Dean to get over it. Crow,ly want demon tablet. Naomi want angel tablet. Cas show up. Not dead. No idea how back. Turn out Naomi bring Cas back. Also brainwash Cas. Cas almost kill Dean but then escape Naomi control. Fly away with angel tablet. Cas lose angel tablet. Dean upset. Sam getting sick from trials. Dean worry. Sam accuse Dean not believe in him. Sam and Dean capture Crowley as last Trial. Begin to turn him human. Cas try close gates of heaven with angel Metatron. Metatron double cross Cas and make all angels fall to earth. Crowley crying turning human. Sam want to die finish Trials. Dean remind him promise not die. Sam mad that Dean has sexy boyfriends and he does not. Dean convince Sam to not finish trials and live.

Season 9: Sam dying even though not finish trials. Dean pray for help. Angels come to beat him up looking for Castiel who made them fall. Ezekiel save Dean and say help Sam. Human Cas stranded but vouch for Ezekiel on phone. Ezekiel actually angel Gadreel but Dean not know. Ezekiel pretend to be Dean go into Sam subconscious pretend be Dean. Sam say yes Gadreel possess Sam. Sam not know possessed. Gadreel convince Dean wait to tell Sam he possessed. Cas trying survive human. Get in trouble. Sam and Dean rescue. Bring home to bunker. Gadreel threaten leave Sam die before healed if Cas stay. Dean have kick Cas out. Knight of Hell Abaddon show up. Start take over hell. Cannot easy kill. Crowley addicted to human blood because feelings. Metatron get in Gadreel ear. Promise safety and honor if do his will. Gadreel kill Kevin for Metatron. Crowley and Dean and Cas expel Gadreel from Sam. Sam mad at Dean. Say no more brothers. Just work partners. Dean accept. Dean sad. Everything bad and wrong. Cas eat angel grace. Looking for his own grace. Want stop Metatron get angels back to heaven. Abaddon come back. Crowley tell Dean First Blade is solution. Crowley take Dean to Cain. Cain give Dean Mark of Cain. Make Dean strong, but slowly make Dean need kill to survive. Dean kill Abaddon with First Blade. Dean realize turning monster. Coughing up blood not kill. Dean go face Metatron. Metatron kill Dean. Sam sad. Say lie about not brothers. Cas get Metatron arrested by angels. Dean body left in bedroom. Crowley show up invite on vacation. Dean open eyes as demon.

Season 10: Demon Dean and Crowley vacation. Sam think Dean dead but body possessed. Furious. Torture. Kill. Look for Dean body. CrowleyDean breakup. Sam manage find Demon Dean. Manage capture. Bring to bunker dungeon. Try to cure. Demon Dean not want cured. Escape try kill Sam with hammer. Cas show up stop Dean. Bring human Dean back. Cas not well. Need grace back. Dean not demon anymore but still Mark of Cain. Dean murder human traffickers. Sam and Cas say Dean getting worse. To be fair Dean do have murder trances which not very good. Everyone look for way to remove Mark of Cain. Charlie back. Cas get grace back with Metraton help. Styne family cause trouble. Stynes want Book of the Damned. Rowena want book of the damned. Sam want Book of Damned. Dean say Book of Damned evil. Demand not be used because bad. Sam use Book of the Damned secret. Charlie Cas Crowley and Rowena (against will) help Sam look for Dean cure. Find cure in Book of the Damned. Keep hearing bad idea to use. Something bad happen if use book. Charlie get killed. Dean find out Sam lie and use Book of Damned behind back. Dean angry. Dean go on murder rampage and kill all Stynes. Dean summon Death and ask to kill him so not hurt anyone. Sam show up. Beg Dean to live. Death tell Dean kill Sam. Dean kill Death instead. Rowena finish Book of the Damned spell and Mark of Cain removed. Darkness erupts from the earth as consequence of Sam removing Mark of Cain and begin apocalypse. Sam say would do again in a heartbeat because Dean back.

[solomons-poison]

my mind is going in circles right now

okok whats ur opinion on ex hubby sol and mephisto

i always type sol btw because it’s awkward writing his full name (dk whyy)

with mephisto there would be angst potential, maybe he let his pride get in his way and ended up hurting you along with his pride, he doesnt rlly believe in ‘divorce’ so he’ll try to act like nothing is wrong but inside of him its killing him, hes in denial, disbelief of himself and the whole situation

with sol i cant rlly imagine divorcing him (maybe bc im biased with him) but for the sake of this, there would be so much angst potential like so much, the first human in a very very long time he had deeply loved until it was all shattered by his own hands

jskajskaakao

Ohhhhhhh yes ex-husband angst, it just hurts so good.... (Sol is under the cut, this just got very long lol; also unintentionally wrote this as reader suggesting the divorce, cause both guys seem like ride-or-die with their partners to me and I cant see them bringing it up without good cause...)

Divorcing Mephisto would absolutely be so dramatic and very painful. He's either going to explode on you, yelling and gesturing wildly and maybe even making baseless accusations against you (that he will 100% regret later and you'll never forget what he said). Or he'll suddenly get unnaturally quiet/ignore or avoid you. Even if you need to get documents signed or need to talk about how to break up assets, etc, he avoids you at all costs. The only thing that might turn him around is if people start rumors about you or your relationship (or lack thereof), because he still cares about you and doesn't want your name slandered like that by others.

He'll definitely be in denial for a while, and hurt you that way by saying things like "you don't mean it/want this", "just give it some time and you'll see you're wrong". He absolutely won't listen to you until you have to get a third party involved that he can't ignore, like Diavolo. It is a super messy affair...

There would be so much tension between you two, and if the divorce is for anything other than falling out of love, I can bet there'd be a lot of instances of angry sudden makeout sessions or breakup sex tbh. If you're not careful, you might get stuck in a cycle of hookups/dating again and then sudden breakup.

—

Now, divorcing Solomon... He definitely isn't explosive like Mephisto would be. I can see him being very quiet about the whole ordeal, but the pain and sadness is so evident in his eyes. His smiles afterwards are all strained and forced. Cause you know that you were the light in his life, the color in his world that he had initially lost after becoming immortal.

I think initially, you two would come to an understanding about the divorce, it would be a mutual agreement with little argument or fights. But he will ask for some time to think about things beforehand (meaning time for you to think about it too). And don't get him wrong, he is absolutely upset about the whole ordeal. But it's not your fault that you feel the way you do, you have a right to be happy and he wants to support that. But it's definitely painful to him.

I think even after becoming a full fledged sorcerer, you two would still have a kind of mentor-student relationship since he's so knowledgeable about spells and magic. So during/after the divorce, he may want to stop teaching you because being in close quarters with you is too much to stand. As much as he wants to be by your side, it's so bad for his own mental health and he'll put distance between you two.

—

Like I said, these are kind of focused on reader wanting the divorce, for whatever reasons, just cause I can't really see either Mephisto or Solomon ever wanting to divorce, they'd try everything to make things right again. But if you have thoughts about it going the other way, I'm very interested. Sorry for the word vomit, I've been really into the ex-husband angst vibe recently and it's so bad for me lol

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for how my previous 'situationship' ended? (I genuinely do not know what to call this situation so that's gonna have to do).

Okay so I (20F) met a guy that we will call Chris (21M) on tinder in Oct 2022. We were at the same uni, and we had good rapport over text, so we decided to meet up. He was pretty awkward but once we actually got talking he was a good chat. Nothing romantic or sexual was discussed/acted upon.

We hung out a few times after that. I kissed him once after a night out, which he didn't reciprocate or ever mention again. Given the complete lack of romance/sexuality coming from him, and the fact that he is a very socially awkward person, I took the hint that he wasn't interested and didn't know how to tell me. I felt that i made the fact I was interested clear and he hadn't taken me up on it, so I just dropped the subject. We continued talking as friends, and I genuinely thought that's all it was.

Come Feb 2023, I went on a night out with a different group of friends, during which a friend of mine, we'll call Tom, kissed me. I nearly had a one night stand with Tom, but I ended up not sleeping with him and just going home because I was too drunk. Being drunk and cringe, I made a pretty crude post to my tumblr before I passed out which was something like "someone is actually attracted to me? Nail me to a wall!" (Long deleted because drunk me is an embarrassment lol).

I woke up to texts from Chris, who had seen my tumblr post and was upset. I was pretty confused because 1. He doesn't even use tumblr, 2. I don't remember ever giving him my account name but it must have been in a screenshot at some point, and 3. I was not under the impression that we were dating... I let all that slide like an idiot because I was really hungover. Chris and I then had a chill discussion about what we were, and agreed to be friends. Cool! I thought that was the end of the drama. We chatted and hung out afterwards with 0 difference to how it had been before.

Cut to May, and I sent him good luck wishes before an exam. He says thanks and I just didn't think about it again, normal exchange.

Over three weeks after I'd wished him good luck, I woke up to a wall of text he'd sent me at 3am where he went into detail about how i had strung him along and wasted his time; that he thought I was manipulative and playing "mind games" with him for that good luck text, which he took as me trying to psyche him out before the exam and make him fail the module; that he didn't want to 'just be friends anymore' because the knowlege that i strung him along hurt too much; that I "ignored him as he walked past" (I still have no idea where or when this happened, I straight up did not see him wherever it was). He also went into detail about physical and mental health issues he'd been going through (that I wasn't aware of before the wall of text) saying that I'd been a great help with them during first term, then "ruined his second term". He went off that my lack of communication skills is a detriment to everyone around me.

I was completely blindsided by all of that, and honestly really hurt that he'd accuse me of trying to make him fail his exams, but I'm not sure that he's not got a point? Looking back, yeah maybe I should have straight up asked him if he was interested back in Nov. But idk I'd say kissing someone is a pretty fucking clear communication that i was interested, and he made 0 reaction to it, what was i supposed to think? I'm not in the habit of pushing people when they do nothing in the way of reciprocation. But, one of the issues he disclosed to me was that he had gotten an autism diagnosis in April and I can see how not being 100% clear and verbal in my communication may have been the root of the issues here, given that he was undiagnosed autistic for most of the time I knew him.

Anyway, was my lack of communication an asshole move?

What are these acronyms?

[eternal-echoes]

Does Gender Theory Hurt People? | Jason Evert

I think if we try to live in a way that's not in accord to their own human nature, we'll be fighting against ourselves. And so, the very premise of gender theory is that I can be something other than my body. And so, it's beginning with this fracture at the very root of anthropology of just that my body doesn't reveal me, it doesn't reveal my identity. But in the Catholic understanding is that, okay, your body isn't something you have, like you just have a pair of jeans, like your body is you. And so, this is easy enough to prove: if I were to say, "like okay I'm going to the store." Well, your body's probably going to be going to the store as well. I mean, the two are going to kind of stay together. But when we untether the person's identity from their body, then your identity has to attach to somewhere. But what is it going to anchor onto if not the body? It'll anchor onto the personality. But the problem is that there are as many as personalities as there are persons, and you will end up literally with an endless list or spectrum of genders. And so, then it can become fluid, it can change - my identity is this, my identity is that. And you can see in a culture where we're in, what is my meaning, what is my purpose, you know? Who's my community? What's my mission? Who am I? In a sense gender theory provides all of these in one really tight package. ... And especially if a person is wrestling with gender dysphoria, which is a mental health issue. It's in DSM-5, that's not a lot of fun to say, "okay I have a mental health issue and yeah, I also struggle with autism or depression, or I've gone through some trauma." It's not a lot of fun to identify with your brokenness or trauma or a DSM-5 label. But if my identity can be this thing, that I'm trans, then all of a sudden that's a lot of easier. Now I'm finding my true self, instead of just being diagnoses with some mental health issue. And so in a sense it's providing this sense of identity. And this is why you'll find that if you challenge individuals on this thinking, a lot of times you get a very anaphylactic reaction to it. A very, you know, very upset and it's like, "wait a minute, I didn't say anything and you're accusing me of violence and hatred and even genocide?" Genocide? No that's Mao Zedong, that's Hitler, that's Stalin all I'm doing is asking about your preferred pronoun thing and you're accusing me of genocide. Why this big reaction? And there's a book called Primal Scream and in it the author basically pointed out that the reason you get this big reaction, is because this isn't just some label, this is their identity, and it's also their community. That maybe they felt rejected by their own family, by their own faith community, and all of a sudden they found this online community or some spectrum alliance on campus that welcomed them, that understood them, that made them feel loved and dignified and brave, "this is my community, these are my homeboys, like this is my Posse," and then it's also now our mission because we're a victimized minority and now I've got a battle to fight. And so, these three core necessary parts of human existence of identity, community, and mission are all bound up in your sense of gender identity and then if someone kinda starts poking at it and looking at the philosophical foundations of that and pulling it out, it's like, "whoa, you are trying to erase me, you're trying to take away my own community, that's going to leave me with nothing, and take away my whole mission that's been entrusted to me," you're gonna get quite a reaction. And so that's why we need to thread carefully and lovingly, and it seems like an extreme example but it's almost like you're treating a burn victim: you don't go "okay let's get the bandage off soon," very gingerly, okay okay I want to look at these things with you, but be very careful in the way that you speak, and make sure that the person knows that you're loved, and that you're not just coming to them to try to win some debate.

[scriibble-fics]

Is Bought abandoned. Or will you return some other time later? I hope you do continue. It has the best characterisation of Lily

I've received, with no exaggeration, at least a few dozen asks almost identical to this. I won't bore you all with posting them all, but hopefully this will answer the question. Read on or don't, but this is the last time I'll probably talk about this for a while. I neither expect a response to this nor particularly want one, tbh. Please don't leave me hate.

Inspiration is difficult enough under the best of circumstances; inspiration under fraught circumstances comes even more difficultly. Watching Bought and fics like it explode the Jily fandom several months ago really upset my ability to write for a long while. I'm only now getting back into the swing of it. A lot of that came from really nasty, vitriolic abuse I received in my inbox that I'll never post because it never should have been sent. I think that sort of reaction, sent repeatedly to any author, would probably discourage even the strongest of writers.

I still think Bought and fics like it have a place in the fandom and deserve creation. I also think that people are well within their rights to dislike them and not want to read them or interact with the people who create them. In the very first chapter, I was explicit about the content of the story for that very reason--so people understood the plot and the triggers and could make their own decision based on their own life experiences as to if they wanted to engage or not. I don't think the people who were offended were wrong; I also don't think that the people who enjoyed reading it--or, in my case, writing it--were wrong either. I do think it's wrong to spew hate at anyone regardless of what "side" of this they fall on--and I hate that there are sides, because I consider fandom a place where people should be able to create and interact as they see fit without feeling targeted one way or another.

I know I came to this space in 2020 as a place of healing after I lost my parents, and it's meant a lot to me to have a space of escape from the ongoing legal and personal ramifications that still continue. Although that's my personal story, I know a lot of people also see this as a safe space and I'd never want to contribute to taking that away from them. But the only person who knows what makes a space safe for you is you. (A general 'you,' obviously, anon.) There are things frequently discussed in fandom that I purposefully avoid. As a sexual assault survivor, I don't engage with fics that deal with any sort of theme of sexual assault. It's not good for me and I know it, but I think those fics have a purpose--even those that might glorify it, which was an accusation frequently given towards the fictional, magical racism in Bought (although I could write an entire separate essay about why I don't think that's true). I curate my experience accordingly, because only I know my triggers, and what upsets me might not upset another sexual assault survivor or another woman or another reader generally. I'm not trying to say that fictional sexual assault and fictional racism are the same, just as their real-life counterparts are not. What I'm trying to say is that your life experiences and triggers and squicks are valid, but only you know what they are.

As an author, I feel a responsibility to warn you about what you're going to consume before you get into a fic, which is a courtesy that most traditional media doesn't extend. As a reader--or a follower or a member of the community--I view it as your responsibility to decide if you want to engage or follow or interact. If not, please block me. It doesn't and never has hurt my feelings. In fact, I'm all about it. Protect your mental health and make this space safe and happy and enjoyable for you.

I still really love Bought. I love Lily's courage and her internal conflict and the sheer messiness of the entire situation. I love the idea of redeeming a man who irl doesn't deserve redemption, and I think that there can be learning done in seeing a fictional character come to reckoning for the choices they've made in a way that most people irl will never face. I think there's catharsis in that. I hope to come back to Bought someday, although not now. If and when that happens, I hope the people who find the fic distasteful will have taken steps to keep my content from reaching them, just as I hope that the people who enjoy it will be excited to see it return. That's it, really.

[toorusluvr]

❥ ҉   CHAPTER FIVE - HALF A HEART

❥ ҉   NOTE FROM NIS: this chapter is normal. no smut but it does contain a hint of it in the earlier paragraphs. i would like to note all of you that this chapter has some timeskipping (i don't know if i word it right lol is that even a word) it's like a fast forward thingy hsjdjsj. anyway, this chapter also hints on signs of toxic relationships and emotional abuse. please don't peruse if you are uncomfortable with the things aforementioned! pls pls pls, this whole series is not sfw!! hence the smut tags!! so, minors and ageless blogs please dni for my health’s sake 💔

[previous][series masterlist][next]

It has only been three weeks since your friends with benefits relationship with Iwaizumi started. Try to take a guess how many times he has wrecked you at this public property called school? You have lost count but the sex with him is way too good to refuse him at times. Most of the time, Iwaizumi would come to your house where your mom was often away at work. So, you never really had the chance to go to his place yet. 

Friends with benefits relationship with Iwaizumi made you go feral at times. He’ll occasionally tease you here and there in class or in the lab, sometimes during lunch break in front of his friends. Name any place you guys haven’t touched yet, you have done it there at least once. Thank goodness no one has caught you guys red-handed.Yet.

This little rendezvous would be busted if the both of you aren’t being careful enough. 

Oikawa didn’t understand it at first since he thought you guys were becoming close, and he’s grateful for it. Until one day, he caught you having hickeys on your neck. It was pretty visible that it was freshly marked on your neck, though the collar of your shirt was doing a great job at hiding it. But, Oikawa has a sharp gaze. He knows a hickey when he spots one and this time, he is not wrong. 

“Hey, Y/N. May I ask, what’s that on your neck?” Oikawa pointed at your neck with the tip of his pen. He was curious if it might be a bruise but it was a hickey. His hunch is never wrong. 

Your eyes widened in shock. You felt the rush of terror coursing in your blood all of a sudden. Oikawa's question had grabbed Iwaizumi's attention as well. You quickly touched your neck, immediately feeling a sting. You hissed at the pain, “Oh, this? It’s allergy season. You know, bugs.”

It happened when Iwaizumi pulled you into the storage room while both of you were on lunch break. It wasn’t anything heavy, just a quick makeout and… light groping and some dry humping. God, you were shameless around this man. 

You rolled your eyes while cursing yourself mentally for not being careful. It's solely your fault for forgetting to double-check your neck after doing the nasty in the storage room. 

“Really? Does it hurt?” Oikawa asked as his eyes trailed to Iwaizumi, who had his head hanging low in a rather odd way. “Wait a minute. I sense something wrong here. Do you guys have something to tell me?” He cocked his eyebrows at both of you. He sensed something's off with Iwaizumi and you. He knew his guts were telling him otherwise. 

The way Iwaizumi was hanging his head low after he heard his question. It was odd! Oikawa knew both of you guys were not telling him something. Both of you guys turned to look at Oikawa and yelled, “No!” around the same time. Both of you looked at each other with a frowny face. 

Oikawa found it uncanny even more, looking at how startled you guys were, “Hah! Something is going on between you guys. Are you guys secretly dating?” He moved his pen to Iwaizumi's face and yours. He wouldn't have any problem with you guys if you guys happened to date in secret. He just wanted to know the truth, and all is forgiven! 

You couldn’t look at Iwaizumi as it will arouse suspicion. “No, we aren’t, Oikawa. And we will never date. Are you insane?” you were almost speechless at his accusation, but you tried to play it cool. You knew Oikawa wouldn’t give up unless he got the answer.

"We are friends. Come on. He deserves better, obviously!" you chuckled awkwardly. You flipped the pages of your book while pretending to check your answers. You could feel your heartbeat at a rapid pace that almost jumped out of your chest.

Oikawa glared at you, “I don’t buy it. Iwa-chan, do you have anything to say?”

“No,” a short and clipped response from Iwaizumi could shut Oikawa's mouth, but Oikawa trusted his guts. Something is definitely going on between you guys.

Oikawa wanted to figure it out. He was curious about it. “Did you guys, you know..” Oikawa's words trailed off as he wiggled his eyebrows to both of you with a cocky smirk.

You looked at him while shaking your head, “No, Oikawa. Just no.”

Oikawa's lips formed into a thin line. His instincts were definitely right, and he will prove it. Sooner or later. 

The last bell rang, signalling that the class for the day had come to an end. Everyone was preparing to go home quickly, except Iwaizumi and Oikawa, because they stayed late for practice.

You packed your belongings as fast as you could. “I’m heading home first. Bye!” you bid goodbye, and without waiting much longer, you rushed home. Today has been a long day and you can’t afford staying late just so you can taste Iwaizumi. He is addictive, like a drug. You can’t get enough of him. Which is worrying because your relationship is solely based on sex. 

While you were on the way back home, your phone rang, and a familiar name appeared on your screen. “Semi”, you mumbled softly as you saw his name on your screen. You eventually stopped walking just to answer his call.

“Hello?” his sweet voice was heard on the other line, making you clutched onto the hem of your school's shirt. 

“Yes, Semi? How can I help you?” you bit your lower lip, trying to constrain your excitement in your voice. It's been so long since he last gave you a call. You missed his voice, his presence close to you. 

“Can we meet now? I’ll be at our usual hangout spot,” Semi asked. He wanted to see you because you thought he missed you. You really thought he missed you, judging from how his voice sounded. The truth is, that is not always the case in your relationship with him. But you can never outgrow the false hope. 

Your eyes gleamed in excitement. You could spare some time for him since you didn't have any important tasks for the day. 

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes," you agreed. You quickened your pace to the usual hangout spot. Semi’s lips formed into a small smile as he thanked you before ending the call.

Walking fast to your destination, your heart could not stop beating fast. It was singing merrily to celebrate the nth moment your ex wants you back! But, your mind was cursing you to prepare for another downfall. The two parts of yours were fighting one another— they fought so hard you forgot how deafening the voices in your head can be but you could not silence it.

Your heart and mind have given up on you entirely. It’s sad when another part of you wants the best for you but you… just refused it. 

You searched for the man in the crowd of people at the cafe. After scanning the crowds, you finally spotted him sitting beside the glass window with his usual go-to iced coffee. You walked towards him, and he welcomed you with a hug.

“How’s my best girl doing?” Semi asked. He burst into giggles after he discovered his question flustered your heart. The heart he toyed with or without him knowing. He's always loved the sparkles in your eyes every time he is with you. He could still see it in yours, but you could no longer see his... sadly. 

You cleared your throat and smiled at him, “I’m fine as usual. How about you? How’s my best boy doing?” 

When Terushima said you are a fool, you know he meant it with his whole heart. You will always be a fool for Semi Eita, a man who doesn’t know he’s hurting you in silence. You hate that you will come running to him when he needs you.

“The Inter-high preliminaries are coming soon, and I think you know that. I want to meet you. I missed you,” Semi mumbled softly, but it was loud enough for you to hear him. Your lips formed into a grin, your heart jumped in excitement when you heard that he admitted that he missed you.

You smiled at him, “I missed you too, Semi”, was all you could say. It's like your heart has given up entirely on you for betraying your feelings. 

Semi had asked you to get back with him because he finally realised that he couldn’t live without you and it was his “biggest” mistake to let you go. He eats up his excuses every. single. time. The most unfortunate part is that you seem to believe his words each time, even when you know it will have the same ending. 

Terushima once said that other people would have given up on this guy countless times, but you wouldn’t. You were stubborn, and you loved him too much that you let him hurt you over and over again. He can mistreat you as he pleases. Love indeed blinds people. You were one of love's victims. How cruel was it to torture your feelings by getting hurt by someone you loved dearly? Someone who loves you would never do this. This is not love but torture. But, beggars can’t be choosers. Emotional abuse can feel like love. You seek and seek for love in him but Semi can no longer give you the love you need. Or deserve. 

Ever since your dad left you, you seek love in men. The fondness and sense of security that come from men. You found Semi and just to be loved continuously, you let him treat you like this. Not his priority, rather an option he needs. The 11-year-old you would have called you a fool for letting yourself be treated like this but maybe she needs to see that life is not always rainbows and sparkles. 

You and Semi chatted for a while, giggling and laughing as if the break up never happened when in fact the break up happens almost too often. But, you felt your world was whole again when he got back together with you. Your heart was mended, your happiness returned. The sadness almost went away but it lingered. The sadness was buried away out of greed, a pure betrayal towards yourself. 

Semi looked at you. The heart that once grew warmer each time he looked at you was no longer warm. It was cold and stabbed with daggers for mistreating you whom he loved with his whole heart since two years ago. He could not let himself hurt you even more but his selfish desire to have someone he can seek love and affection from, outgrew his consciousness. 

“I’ll text you when I get back to my dorm,” Semi looked you in the eyes before he sent you away. He wished for the love he once had for you to come back to him desperately. He needed this time to be right, to be the way it was back then. He wanted your relationship to be normal again but he knew it won’t be the same as it was. 

You smiled at him. “Okay. Walk safely. Love you!” You said as you gave him a soft peck on the cheek. 

“Love you too,” he said with a forced smile. 

-

Oikawa saw you walk into the class with a bright face he rarely sees. You were smiling, surprisingly. You'd always come to class with a frowny look, or you never smile at anyone at all. So, he assumes you are not a morning person. He supposed you're in a good mood today. Great. But what made you smile? Oh no. Did you see someone getting punched in the guts earlier? That’s why you were smiling? 

“Y/N, what’s up with you? You look happy. Did something happen yesterday?” Oikawa asked. Being a considerate friend he is, of course, he had to ask you. He genuinely cared about you as a friend. But, he was also curious about the genuine smile you had on your face. 

Iwaizumi didn’t even bother to look at you guys as he was busy jotting down in his notebook. But, he was all ears. He owed Oikawa for asking you such a personal question you seem to dodge at certain times. 

“I got back with Semi,” you said. You thought it’s a good time for you to tell Iwaizumi that you had reconciled with your ex. You were clueless about how to approach Iwaizumi about getting back together with Semi. This is the best way you could think of. He wouldn't be mad, right?

Oikawa's eyes widened when you told him that. “What? Semi was the one who broke up with you, right? Why did you do that? Why did you get back with him? As much as I hate the fact that he goes to Shiratorizawa, I don’t think getting back with him is the right thing to do, Y/N! God, why are you so stubborn?” He let out a deep sigh as he grew frustrated with you.

The moment he found out that you dated Semi Eita, the setter from Shiratorizawa, he could feel his blood boil with rage. The betrayal, he dramatically said to your face. Oikawa was not thrilled by the idea that you dated him or haven’t moved on from him at first but he knew where he stands in your life. You guys just became friends and he is not trying to control your life or whatsoever. But, what you said just now did not make any sense! Why would you let yourself get hurt again? 

Iwaizumi, on the other hand, had expected this to happen. He just wanted to know what made it hard for you to let that toxic relationship go to waste. But he didn’t want to question you anything. He knows what love can do to certain people. He, himself, had a hard time moving on from his previous girlfriend. It was difficult at first but he knew he was being manipulated by her. After getting advice from some people, he knew he could not let himself be manipulated any longer. 

“I know. I just can’t let him go, okay? I don’t know!” you grunted softly. It’s like you are being tied with a rope. You could never let go of Semi, no matter how badly he hurt your feelings before. You'll come running back to him sooner or later when he asks you.

“Do you know that you’re a fool?” Oikawa bluntly asked.

You sighed as you slowly nodded your head. You are well-aware that you are a fool. It’s hard being self-aware but so clueless at the same time. It feels like you are watching your whole life and all of the decisions made, being played before your eyes, like a theatre or like a puppet. 

“I’m surprised that you are aware of that. I thought you didn’t,” Iwaizumi interrupted. Your eyes widened upon hearing his voice after keeping himself quiet for several minutes. 

“You guys don’t tell me what to do, okay? I’m doing just fine—no worries,” you tried to convince them. You haven’t lost all your hopes on Semi yet, just hanging on is fine, you guess.

Because being with Semi erases all of your problems away. You pushed everything aside to prioritise him as your number one. You did your best to make him continue loving you. Little did you know he fell out of love a long ago and only used you for his own good. What a cruel world. Why can't everyone be happy? Why can't someone you love with your whole heart love you the same way? 

“Sure. I’m praying hard for you to be fine too,” Iwaizumi looked you straight in the eyes as he enunciated the words from the bottom of his heart. 

 -

Time flies so fast in the blink of an eye. It's almost time for the Inter-High preliminaries. You didn’t tell Iwaizumi and Oikawa that you were coming to the Inter-High preliminaries. You knew Seijoh would be facing Shiratorizawa in the final round. As much as you were excited to watch them play, you also weren’t ready to face the final round. It’s difficult to determine the winner— knowing too well who got the upperhand, but the chance of Seijoh to win was still there. You let out a sigh as you walked into the court and sat in the bleachers.

The sound of the whistle indicated that the match was starting. You readjusted your position while your eyes fixated on the players in the court below.

You knew his junior, Shirabu, replaced Semi as the starting player, but you were still there to support him. You only come to his game when you have the chance especially when it’s in the earlier days of your relationship. But, you never seemed to remember his opponents’ faces. Solely because you kept your eyes on Semi the entire time. 

Their scores were always neck to neck. You watched their whole match with fingers gripping on the underside of your seat. Silently, you prayed for Seijoh to win the final round. 

Your heart broke a little the moment you saw the frustrated look across your friends’ faces. Sadly, Shiratorizawa won the final round. You had to watch your friends, Iwaizumi, Oikawa, Makki, and Mattsun suffer in silence as Shiratorizawa defeated them. You felt terrible, to be honest. But is there something that you can do to help them? If there is, you will definitely help.

You came down from the bleachers to meet your boyfriend. After seeing your friends exited the court, you thought you wouldn’t bump into Oikawa and Iwaizumi, but you were wrong. They were shocked to see you there.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? You didn’t tell us you were coming!” Oikawa asked. His face showed how exhausted he was. The same goes for Iwaizumi, but both of them still spared their time to talk to you. Both of their eyes were fixated on you, waiting for your answer. 

“I’m actually here for-” your words were cut off when Semi had called your name from afar. Your heart dropped when you realised what you feared had come to reality. 

“She's here for her boyfriend. Can't you see that, Oikawa?” Iwaizumi said, nudging his elbow on the brunette’s ribs. At this point, he just wanted to bonk you in the head for being a fool over someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate you. God, he wished he didn’t have to do that to withstand your stupidity. 

You were astonished upon his replies. His words stung, but you still put on a smile when Semi approached you with a smile on his face. A victory smile, they said.

“Are they your new friends?” Semi asked as he recognised the two youngsters in front of him. 

You nodded. “They’re my classmates. I assume you’ve known each other as of now.”

Semi smirked, “Yes, of course, we know each other. Iwaizumi and Oikawa, right? I apologise if I got your names wrong.” 

Oikawa rolled his eyes at him, “Whatever you say, Semi. We gotta go. Y/N, don’t hang out too much with your boyfriend. I am not pleased." 

Iwaizumi didn’t say anything after Oikawa, and he left Semi and you behind. His shoulders lightly brushed against you. The cold air lingered longer than you would have expected. 

“What did he mean you shouldn’t hang out too much with me?” Semi asked, feeling confused as to why Oikawa said that all of a sudden.

You shrugged your shoulders, “I don’t know! He was just joking, I think.” You'd be lying if you said you didn't know what he was trying to tell you. Everyone's been telling you the same thing frequently, but it never goes right through your mind. 

Semi then threw his arms over your shoulders, walking away from the area. He then brought you to meet his teammates you haven’t met for so long. While you were walking to where his teammates gathered, you kept on turning around to look back at your friends. The sight of Oikawa and Iwaizumi slowly disappeared from your vision. You let out a sigh, feeling sorry as if you betrayed them.

Your friendship with Iwaizumi and Oikawa will be fine, right? You hope your silly mistake does not jeopardise the good rapport you have built with them for the past few weeks. 

-

The moment you stepped your foot inside the school the following day, you spotted the familiar figure with his back turned to you. There he was, Iwaizumi who just walked into the school a few minutes earlier than you. 

“Iwaizumi!” you called out his name from afar, but he wasn’t stopping. So, you ran towards him and he stopped in his tracks. 

Iwaizumi was expressionless, “What?” he snarled. He avoided making any eye contact with you. He has the right to do so. You understood why he behaved in such a way. He was trying to look out for a friend, yet you were stubborn.

“Nothing," you shrugged your shoulders off when he was giving you the cold shoulder. "I just want to walk to class,” you said, forgetting your intention of approaching him in the first place. “Where’s Oikawa?” you asked, your eyes wandering around to look for the brunette.

“He’s at the gym. I guess,” Iwaizumi lazily answered your question.

“You are not upset or anything, right?” you asked. You were careful with your words. Of course, it was never your intention to hurt your friends in the first place. They barely know you, so obviously, you have the upper hand in making your life choices. At the same time, you are aware that they are trying to look out for you. Yet, you still make the same old silly mistake over and over again. 

Iwaizumi frowned at you and scoffed, “Why would I? I’m nothing in your life after all. We're just friends. No hard feelings."

You knew he was pissed for whatever reasons, but you were in no place to point it out either. He would either explode in your face or dismiss you as if you weren’t there. You clicked your tongue and huffed.

“Good,” you said shortly. Iwaizumi was pissed as hell at your response, but he made sure to keep himself silent. He didn't want to hurt you with his blunt words either. Especially, he's in no place to say hurtful words to someone like you. 

“He's going to break your heart again”, Iwaizumi blurted out. He failed in controlling his own thoughts. He had to let you know that Semi isn't good news. 

You scoffed at his words, suddenly raging in anger. "Does it bother you?” you smirked. “Because I think it doesn’t. So, please stay off my life problems, man,” you snarled.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes at you, “Alright! It's your life. Every decision is up to you, after all.”

He then walked away, leaving you behind alone. You wished you could rip your hair apart because his words were torturing you inside. You know Iwaizumi is right, but you’re extremely hard-headed to admit that.

Since Iwaizumi was giving you the cold shoulder, you thought it'd be best not to talk to Iwaizumi at all for the rest of the week. You were avoiding him at all costs and so did he. 

Oikawa was confused at the sudden cold atmosphere between you guys. He didn’t want to meddle, so he just let both of you cool down first. He learned his lesson the first time so he didn’t want to risk it again. 

Two weeks later, Oikawa walked with you during lunch break, and Iwaizumi was ahead of you guys, eventually leaving you behind. Your phone dinged when you got a notification from Snapchat. You got a message that someone requested to add you on Snapchat. You were unfamiliar with the name, so you just accepted the request. 

Not long after, the person sent you a snap. The person sent you a video, in fact. You gasped, almost dropping your phone as soon as you opened the snap. “What the actual fuck,” you gasped in shock. Both of your hands were shaking while watching the video on loop. 

The person who recently added you is a girl, apparently. And the snap was a video of her laying beside Semi, who was shirtless. Oikawa looked at his side and found you frozen on the spot. Your face looked horrified. 

“What is it, Y/N?” Oikawa asked. But you were unresponsive. He kept on hearing the on-loop snap, so he glanced over your phone and got himself terrified as well.

“Shit! Do you know this person?” Oikawa gasped. A piece of his heart disappeared that moment. He recognised the people in the video—both Semi and the girl. 

“No”, you replied shortly. Your tears were about to fall on your face. Damn it. Your heart was broken by him again. As expected and as told by everyone else around you! 

“Y/N, let me borrow your phone first!” Oikawa interrupted before he snatched your phone away from your hand and sprinted across the hallway. You were startled and confused, so you ran after Oikawa, who was holding your phone.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa screamed, making Iwaizumi stop walking any further. Oikawa panted as his hand grabbed onto Iwaizumi's shoulder. “Iwa-chan, you have to see this!"

Oikawa showed Iwaizumi the snap video. Iwaizumi clenched his jaw and fists on the spot. “It's her, right?” Oikawa asked to confirm his sight. 

Just then, you showed up before the two guys. “Oikawa, why the hell did you run with my phone?” you asked while panting. You immediately snatched your phone from Oikawa, but his grip was tighter than your force. You grunted and asked for your phone back in a demanding tone. It was a desperate call. 

Oikawa looked at you before letting out a disappointed sigh. He finally returned your phone in your hand. His heart felt heavy to break the news to you. It's obvious that Semi was cheating on you with the said girl. 

Iwaizumi nodded with his head hung low. Oikawa looked at his devastated face. It's either Iwaizumi hasn't moved on, or he felt bad for you. But Oikawa could confirm that it's the latter. 

“Do you know the girl, Oikawa?” you asked, not bearing to have the snap opened any longer. In hurry, you closed the Snapchat app and kept your phone inside your pocket. Your eyes were teary, the tears waiting to fall any second from now on. But, you gotta keep your head held high in front of them.

“She's Iwa-chan’s ex-girlfriend,” Oikawa said. Your eyes widened in terror. All of your anguish started to take control over your mind.

You grabbed Iwaizumi by his collar, “Tell your ex-girlfriend to fuck off and stay off my boyfriend.”

Iwaizumi let go of your grip gently. He let out a deep sigh before looking you in the eyes. His dark green eyes stared into yours lifelessly. “Maybe if you tell your boyfriend to stop being a dickhead, she’ll eventually leave him too like when he left you, huh?”

You clenched your jaw. "If my boyfriend is a dickhead, why would this bitch send this snap to me? What were they even doing, Iwa?” you yelled. You could no longer hold your anger back. You let it all out on Iwaizumi instead of his ex-girlfriend, who did you dirty. 

Oh for fuck’s sake, who the hell knows what they were doing! It was all a punishment for you for taking him back into your life! A lesson you’ll never learn yet you weep over him like you have lost a good man. 

“You better ask your boyfriend about it. My ex-girlfriend has nothing to do with me anymore. You better talk it out with your lovely boyfriend, aight?” Iwaizumi spoke brusquely before he left Oikawa and you behind. His temple started to pulse out of frustration he tried to control. 

You were left speechless. You angrily ran your fingers through your hair. It was clearly a sick game Semi tried to play with you. Of course, you had to be the crazy girlfriend for losing your shit so he could win a good man! 

Oikawa calmed you down and brought you to class as you looked like you lost control over everything. You weren’t saying a thing to him the entire way back to class. He wanted to ask if you had cooled down but it was never the right time so he just let you be. 

As soon as you reached home, you called Semi to meet up. He dared to tell you that he didn’t have any free time. You ruffled your messy hair and threw all your pillows away. "Just meet me tomorrow. No excuses, Semi! I swear to fucking God if you don’t show up, I’ll come to you. Don’t make me do stupid things for you again, Eita!” you said strictly before ending the call angrily. The phone was tossed on the ground, almost shattering into pieces like your heart did. 

You cried onto your pillows and screamed as loud as you could. You got your heart broken again. How you wished it's easier to let go rather than holding on like the others were telling you. Guess not everyone can live by the saying no matter how easy it seems in their eyes. 

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