#they didnt believe me when they said i did
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I manifest to each and every one of you a little brother that likes ninjago. As someone with one, its the greatest experience ever. I may not have any friends that care about what I have to say but I will always have my little bro that can laugh over this dumb kids show with me.
#kids that i babysit are also valid#i bond so hard with a pair of 9 yo boys i babysit#they really love ninjago#they didnt believe me when they said i did#becaude i was an adult#but their eyes lit up when i was just as excired#but yeah yall deserve that too#ninjago#ninjago thoughts#siblings
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😭😭
#BEHIND THE CODES SPRINGTRAP NOOO#Hi. im posting this here during a break from studying. i'll be back soon though#:]#i plan on making some springdad au animations in the future to better my skills#working on the au helped me get through some stuff irl and honestly im not ready to let go of it so soon#i'd say its different from the aftons suburb one. i had lost interest in it when it became some sort of shitpost#there is nothing wrong in having 'shitpost aus' but ig its not how i wish to view things#i do like ephemeral stuff#things that last for a while and that make you think 'woah. im glad i had the opportunity to see this' are always my favorite#aftons suburb was one of these cases#springdad au is going through the same path. but i trully believe theres more content to come from it#oh and about BTC?#i took a break from it. its been two or three months since that folder was last opened (and if i did open it. i didnt do anything)#its relatively hard to come up with good dialogs when theres also a need to comprehend how different characters express themselves#especially when said characters are older than you. or smarter than you in some way#some of them speak louder. while others will speak through their actions#thought i had to grow up a bit more to understand how these things work.#turns out. that mindset was blocking the whole creative process#anyway. its going to take a while#thank you for your patience
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peeks out cause it's safe now you guys were really weird about Depp v Heard
#so the last i followed this was when a uk court declared that johnny was a wife beater#and then. that fucking trial. good lord was it bad#i dont know where to start except for wtf is wrong with yall#i didnt follow the trial at all but the reactions werw honest to god so bad it turned me off#along with some of the discussions just being. too much.#truth be told i did not know what to believe cause of what people around me said and it felt conflicting at the time?? if it makes sense??#and i always found the reaction to amber so overblown and misogynistic (especially mocking her sa testimony wtf)#i tuned it all out until this year i got reminded of this#and now my stance could not be more clear#if you're still reading this#i stand with amber heard#if you support johnny depp go ahead and unfollow i will not miss you#you cannot in good faith support this man after knowing what actually happened. basic fact checking#he is such a bastard i tell you#institutions will always protect men in power#anti johnny depp
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My cousins made their own troll Ocs and I drew them in my style.
They were very excited about it
#my art#not my art#both#trolls#dreamworks trolls#they had a lot of fun making these#i actually really love the color palette for princess i think my cpusin did a very good job on that#claw is something else#he is a unicorn troll#neon green was an interesting choice but hey claw is an interesting guy#is it obvious idk how to draw country trolls lmao#ever since i told them i also liked trolls we have had our own little club#im their person who they can talk to about it#they will also just sit and ask me to draw tiny diamond and guy diamond over and over and over and over and over again#they really like tiny diamond#but hey i love those little guys so i draw the trolls they demand of me#they also asked me to draw poppy and branch so they could color them#i still have to finish my viva coloring page for them#the younger of the two who made princess is really good at color picking and color matching#she colored poppy without a ref and its p accurate to her colors#the older one who made claw used the ref for every color but he got pretty close when he tried to guess#the older one also misunderstood me when i said id been practicing art since i was 5 and thought i was this good since i was 5#he was very depressed for about 15 minutes#it was really funny but dw i assured him that was not the case#but like for those 15 min he did not believe me#even his sister was like 'nono you didnt hear it right' but he was already in the emo zone#he was fine later tho and continued on making his troll#and also proud teacher moment but i had taught princesses creator some art techniques off handedly#not expecting her to remember any of it but then she did and apparent shes been using it ever since#im like omg i actually taught another human bsing something its insane
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my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me
#“no need for follow up”#“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your#ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it#*doctor shrug emoji* “#“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol”#he barely even looked at my incision like#this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask#if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had#fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your#fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your#swagless ass!!!#anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my#abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of#gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up#for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how#hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know#how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy#am i crazy???#this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other#organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it#get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to#get medical treatment.#anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.”#bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you.#like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously.#but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess.#its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
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☃️
#out of nowhere i just got reminded of how in 9th grade during a break i was sitting w my friend group nd studying#me nd one of my friends got into just a silly argument bc she was always trying to cause friction lol#then she suddenly got rlly mad nd it resulted in her throwing a book in my face#and saying that i should just go kill myself and make the world a better place#and all our other friends just silently started packing up their things nd then just left#she left too#so i fled to the bathrooms nd cried for a long time not wanting to go to class#i ended up being a bit late to class nd walking into the classroom w all of my 'friends' in there was so weird#i also told our teacher but she didnt believe me nd just said that she (the friend) would never say or do smth like that#if just one of those friends would've stayed and comforted me.....#idk i am oversensitive so even small things hurt me lol but this was such an unpleasant nd bad moment for me#i felt so alone.... nd like none of them would care if i did kill myself. bc none of the protested when she said that skskksks#anyway.. i rlly dont wanna think abt my school time at all but sometimes i have dreams abt them nd i wake up remembering :((((
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Given my own experience in a data center it's also fairly likely that one of the servers just spontaneously combusted.
#that happened once#well idk if it spontaneously combusted no one was around when the fire started#but one of the trained monkeys came out and was like 'hey theres a fire out on the floor'#i was like 'huh'#so i called in backup and backup didnt want to deal with it so i had them take over my post and went on to the datacenter floor#and what do you know#there was a fire#so i called up security control and i was like 'hey theres a fire here'#and they said 'no there isnt'#and i said 'yes there is'#and they said 'well the alarms not going off'#and i said 'its broke then because im looking at a fire right now'#and they said 'no youre not'#so i hung up on them and called my supervisor and then i found a fire extinguisher and put the fire out myself#and my supervisor got to argue with security control about whether or not there was a fire#thats why he got paid the big bucks#he was a good supervisor. i did not have to wait until he arrived to put the fire out#i put the fire out and when he showed up i said 'there was a fire' and he was like 'okay'#like he just believed me. i didnt have to prove it
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Recently I've been talking a bit about how my last psychotic episode had a massive effect on my identity and self image.
I often use Picrew to show how I see myself moreso than how I really look - they're essentially self portaits. I noticed a pattern today when looking through old ones, and decided to compile some for this post. The first image is a compilation I made a couple years ago; the second I made today using pics from a few months ago (during psychosis); the third shows a Picrew maker that I coincidentally used two separate times, once before the episode and once during.
My self image now looks very much like the "before" pics. Now that I'm both out of the episode and medicated I have essentially reverted to who I was before (with slight differences, plus some trauma from the episode itself). This is not meant to represent what psychosis "is" - psychotic people aren't dark or evil, but I thought I was and everything felt so frightening in the moment.
#I'm tagging minimally in the hopes that it will be seen by my followers and not be taken out of context by random people#that said you can reblog if you want#if it breaches containment I'll live with that but it probably wont#for alterhumans who didnt see my prev post about this:#I developed vampire and monster 'types during this episode#endelity or something like that#those identities faded away when the episode did#semi-intrusive thoughts about graphic violence haunted me during this episode#and it made me believe I was evil and corrupted#anyway I'm okay now#i mean okay is relative but#I'm not in active psychosis at least :)#tags for organizational purposes:#blue speaks#blue's psychotic episodeTM
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one time i was talking to my american online friends about stuff and i was like "haha yeah people always say i look ambiguously european but cant place what i am specifically" and they were like "i dont think europeans have a look though." what do you mean. you dont believe different ethnic features exist...?
#just was reminded of it lol#one i no longer talk to used to insist that i was british because of my not-british accent and would not believe me when i said#no... i dont live there#id told them i was aussie. they didnt believe me though. like they thought i inexplicably had a brtisih accent despite never#having been there ever#another i said i didnt get a SSCoE for HS but a diploma. thats not what diplomas are here but they kept insisting i was wrong#like i have the certificate....its not a diploma.......... thats not what it says.#but they were like just call it a diploma : / its basically a diploma#i know AU isnt that different to the US but at least we are usually a little less annoying#i did see that asshat who was like 'uhhhh climate change means you dont have snow? not for us australians a-durrrrr X D' or w/e#what a twat. even from a purely selfish perspective we still also have climate change. its very noticeable. come on#anyway for a full decade i basically never met anyone online who wasnt USamerican....................#so. i do have some amount of frustration.#they got mad at me for saying bikkie or pressie as slang even tho theyre super easy to figure out from context. also it doesnt matter#'STOP using slang you KNOW us americans WONT UNDERSTAND'#we were talking about christmas!?!? pressie is straightforward!?!? even if not...why are you so indignant#on a more awful note i knew one sheila (white) who was like very vocally/performatively into blm#but then one time when i mentioned aboriginal australians she was like 'what...ive never heard of those before...'#youve known me for years even if you never looked at anything in your life ever id definitely mentioned them before#pretty fucking important. both for my country and when caring about indigenous/first nations peoples. oldest surviving culture on earth#but she was like how was i supposed to know about them : /#because i thoguht you cared about these issues!?!?!??!? also just generally ohhh my god#how could you be vaguely aware of AU history as being similar to your own and then say you didnt know we had indigenous peoples#like. what do i even say#do you think... only america has indigenous peoples??????#its fine not to know a foreign countrys history in depth but just...the absolute basics....about an issue you claim to care about...#sigh. ok this is too long. i feel that last one is justified to complain about tho
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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you guys remember that time my dad killed my pet and then blamed me for it lol
#i still miss jpeg so fucking much#i remember for weeks after he died i would turn on his light in the morning and forget that he wasn’t there to greet me and it was so awful#remembering he was dead every single morning#and every few days i would put a little plant food in the tank and it was such a fucking gut punch every time#bc the cycle was disrupted now. nothing was working like how it was supposed to bc he wasn’t there anymore. those plants that lived off him#for months were the only thing i had left of him#and he told me at one point after he died ‘next time you get a betta you have to take care of it’ like FUCK YOU I DID! I FUCKING DID!#i cycled the tank and i fed him and i kept tabs on the water levels and i did all his water changes and i told my dad when he started#getting sick bc i wasn’t able to get medicine myself! and he tried to fucking gaslight me into believing that i was delusional!#bc he didn’t want to admit that he was wrong! and he refused to fucking do anything about it to the point where i was scrambling for people#i knew who could drive to take me to the fish store and get medicine#and then he fucking died! he died when i was at school and my dad just flushed him down the toilet#and he told me in the most insensitive way possible#and he tried going ‘im sorry i didnt listen to you’ or whatever like sorry’s not going to fucking cut it you killed my fucking pet#and then he went right back to blaming me for it#and then after he died my brother told me that he’d asked my dad about jpeg one time and he SAID that he was pretty much a goner#he fucking KNEW he was dying and still refused to do anythign??? for what fucking reason? bc he couldn’t admit he was ever wrong? bc he#wanted to watch me suffer?#and then for weeks i was taking care of an empty tank#bc the plants in his tank were the only thing left of him#and i couldn’t let them just sit and wither away bc that’s what i did with jpeg and i couldn’t just watch him die again#and then i moved his plants into the other 40gal and i had to look at the way the other fish ignored jpeg’s favourite anubias#and i had to take down his tank and wash all the rocks and driftwood and pack it all back up and then he was gone for real#jpeg was the first thing i was really proud of and my dad had to fucking take it from me#rambles#vent#pet death
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how to stop talking in sleep easy cheap free immediately
#text#MY SISTER SAIDNI DID BUT I DIDNT BELIEVE HER I THOUGIHT SHE WAS JUST HEARING ME LAUGHH AT POSTS WHILE AWAKE#its not like full Words judt like sounds and mumbling incoherently i guess#but my roommate said inwas making noises this is so deeply embarassing#Always thinking abt the time wien i was 9 at summer camp and my cabin leader woke me up bc i was saybg ‘no’ over and over and sounded upset#i woke up and she was like Were u having a nightmare? :(#and i was like What no im fine why#I rarelyy remember nigjtmares or anything so.#and obviouwlt i dont know when im talking in my sleep#AAAHHHH. THIS IS SO BAD AND AWFUL.
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#personal#lmao around this time last year i decided to give up on him n LMAO girl if only you knew#i should have just talked to him but djdjjdjdjd idk it felt weird. but he even like. complained one time that we didnt talk all summer#like LMAO..... bro its two ways. u could have messaged me too xjdjjdjdjdj#tho to be fair i think he did show up to a dinner but i wasnt there bc i had just had wisdom tooth surgery n was 1. blown up like a balloon#and 2. so high on pain meds i couldnt function JFJDJJDJDJDJDJ#n e way whatever jdjdjdjd im just laughing at myself bc how did this man become my closest friend from college Zhfnnddnnd#our relationship is so weird. not in a bad way but in an unexpected way#we sat beside each other an entire semester n never talked til the last day like thats so FUNNY IDK#i even said to him that time. bc we were talkin in the hallway n went to sit for the exam n sat in our regular spots of being one seat awa#y and i was like... you know its so funny that we sat beside each other all semester and only talked today#and he was like.... hahha yeah#i was gonna introduce myself but it felt so stupid JDJJDJDJD#i didnt even know his name LMAO#i had him narrowed down to 2 names. bc he was one of like 2 guys that Always showed up in another class' zoom#and LOL i was right. he WAS one of those 2 shjdjsjsj#n e way. then the next sem came n i didnt know whether to say hi to him or not bc we talked ONCE#and i was still wearing my mask at this point and so id try to smile at him with my eyes but never got a response HDNJDJD and so i got soooo#annoyed with him. and even more so bc i kept making friends with ppl and they KNEW HIM??? and i was like WHO IS THIS????#then one time he came up to me n my friends before class n we just talked and i was like o lmao this annoyance im having??? its a big ole#crush BDNNDNDND#and in community college its hard to like. know ppls ages and that day i found out he was 2 years younger so i was like o ok 26 n 28 isnt#bad at all#but thinking back.... first things we exchanged that time was age and i think he was also trying to fish for whether i was single bc he was#talkin about this other guy havin a baby n a wife n i was like o wow !! i didnt know!!#jdjxjdjdjdk god when he found out my age he was like... oh i never would have guessed you were older. you look young ZFHJDJDJDJDJD#oh so you were Looking is that right HJXJXJXJZJZJ GOD LMAO#i look back on so many moments n im like oh duh... he must be interested#but for me its like. i will literally more easily believe literally any other theory so i thought he just liked one of my friends Zhjxjx#ya i dont think so anymorem but i thought that up until like mid january HDHXJJXJDDJJDJ
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#lowkey wanna un-mutual all the mutuals we have in common. i hate seeing her url. but there are so many and i like them :(#but it does hurt me a lot that she's the only one i talked to for several years#she said we were friends and all of that stuff#and then without a word she just blocked me and left me wondering what i did wrong#and now i feel humiliated and stupid for believeing her. she obviously didnt care about me#and i saw her as someone important in my life but to her i was nothing at all. just garbage to discard#so yeahhhh everytime i see her url i feel like a flash of pain bc it reminds me of how#everyone lies. how stupid it is for me to trust someone and be vulnerable. how i mean nothing to her and she doesnt even think of me#i dont even exist to her and she isnt missing me and doesnt care about me a single bit#and the worst thing is that she said she did. so how could i know she didnt mean it#i feel so lonely... i started rambling again but yeah i hate seeing her url when moots rb her bc it makes me sad angry & my heart ache
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I'll make the post then it's literally fine to disagree with people you respect and/or your friends. It's very normal to not agree with everyone on everything.
#edit: it occurs to me that people will see this post w/o the context bc i deleted the reblogs#bc the op of them didnt mean this and then was super rude to me and took my jew card :(#tldr someone made a post with similar wording to this and i said i cant believe its a hot take#to say you can disagree with your friends#after op told me off twice when i tried to ask for clarification on what they DID mean i decided to make this post#since a lot of people were rbing from me and agreed with the sentiment#so now its its own post :)
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