#they finally got back to town so clearing this from my drafts before it stops being relevant

[paladinbaby]

returning home

no light no light, florence + the machine / gallant, v.e schwab / @arunima / where does the temple begin, where does it end? mary oliver / @doomed-bythe-narrative / caitlin conlan / @wolfythewitch / tired, langston hughes / hum hum, mary oliver / nine lives, ursula k le guin

[Image description: a collection of ten texts mostly on white backgrounds.

1: “Would you leave me / If I told you what I've done?

And would you leave me / If I told you what I'd become”

2: “Perhaps you are haunting me. / What a comforting thought. / Maybe it's you in the darkness. / I swear I've seen it move.” The first two lines are highlighted in pale green.

3: “in summer wounds fester and in winter they ache. another one of life's classic no win scenarios”

4: “I look; morning to night / I am never done with looking.”

5: “some people are taking “doomed” to mean “dead”. this is actually a misconception! you can be doomed even if you don't die! it's sometimes worse if you don't die!”

6: “It was never so romantic to become so obsessed with the past that I put my whole life on hold just to spend more time thinking about it.” Block capitals written in purple marker on pale blue paint chips.

7: “Constantly obsessed with the concept of a man forced to be a myth. What do you do when every step you take is embedded into the text. Every word you say prose to read. You're part of something bigger than yourself. The narrative tugs you along lime water currents. There is no time to rest, to be human. You must be great, you must be legend”

8: “I am so tired of waiting, / Aren't you / For the world to become good / And beautiful and kind?”

9: “Some wounds never vanish

Yet little by little / I learned to love my life.” The second two lines are highlighted leaf green.

10: “We're each of us alone, to be sure. What can you do but hold your hand our in the dark?” End ID. ]

[gummygowon]

sugar | jeong yunho

word count: 2.7k

genre: smut (minor dni!) just another pwp, cowboy!yunho x waitress!afab reader

warnings: dom!yunho x sub!reader, unprotective sex (booo!), creampie, big dick yunho eheheh, slight humping lol, petnames (sugar, honey, sweetheart, doll)

author's note: don't know why this took light years for me to finish BUT SHE'S DONE!!!! and just in time for the cb >:) i will say though that this was written even before the cb was announced so i will take full credit for cowboy!ateez like i literally manifested that shit with this

in your quiet, little hometown not much went on. even the gossip that got around town was drier than the tumbles of weeds that ran through the streets.

recently, however, they were rumors about some lone cowboy who came in late last night. you were sure that the lone cowboy would wound his way into the saloon at one point of his stay here even if he was just passing by. what man could resist a glass of beer?

and you were right, well, you're pretty sure you're right. in the middle of your shift, some tall man stalked into the bar and quietly sat down in the back of the saloon. his eyes and the top half of his face were covered by the large black cowboy hat that he wore leading everyone curious as to what he looked like.

"do ya think that's him?" you ask your coworker miyeon as the two of you wipe down glasses and cups behind the bar.

"the mysterious cowboy who wandered into town last night?" she asks leading you to nodding, "well, let's look his tall man sitting in the back of a saloon and everyone is looking at him like he has horns growing out of his head so i assume so."

rolling your eyes at miyeon's sassy response, you find yourself taking a peek to look at the new visitor. from where you're standing and with the man's big cowboy hat blocking eighty percent of his face, your curiosity grew to as what he looked like. did he have a scar on his face? a beard? or maybe a mustache?

"if you're gonna keep looking at him, you may as well take his order." miyeon comments on your long gaze on the outsider.

"absolutely not!" you retort back but miyeon is already pushing you out the bar with your tray, "remember to smile! it gets ya more tips!"

you contemplate flipping off your coworker but decide against it and give her a nasty glare as you walked off to the back of the saloon.

as you approach closer to the man, you see him shift in his seat but he doesn't look up at you until you clear your throat.

the man finally looks up at you and you feel your breath gets caught in your throat. the man had no facial hair or any nasty scars on his face. to your surprise, he was well-shaven and his eyes were full of life along with his plump lips that sat prettily on his face.

too entranced by his aura, the man had to tilt his head and raise an eyebrow at you for you to start functioning again. "my apologies sir, "what can i get ya started with?" you ask, trying your best to calm your heart down before the stranger in front of you could hear it beating out of your chest.

he lets out a soft chuckle at your flustered state, "what do you recommend sweetheart?"

your heart stopped for a solid second at the pet name. "well, if you want something a little stronger i recommend our house's whiskey. but if you don't want something as harsh, our draft beer is great too sir."

the smile from his laugh stays on his face, "you can call me yunho, sweetheart. callin' me sir got me sounding old."

your face turned redder than the apple tree behind the saloon. "my apologies, yunho" you say, your eyes glued onto the floor.

another laugh erupts from yunho's mouth as he watches you flush with embarrassment. "what's got you so wound up so tight sugar? relax a bit for me sweetheart, you can do that, can't ya?"

the grip on your serving tray loosens as you let your shoulders drop.

"good girl." the cowboy praises as he leans back his chair, the big buckle on his black belt reflecting as it shines from the candlelight. "now, a glass of whiskey will do just fine for me sugar."

"i'll be right back with that, yunho." you curtsy at him before rushing to the bar.

miyeon!" you whisper-shout at your coworker, who somehow had disappeared behind the counter.

"so what does mister outsider look like?" miyeon asks, popping up from the bar like a jack-in-a-box. "i bet he got a nasty scar on his face!"

"he doesn't have a scar i can tell you that. but that man is fine as hell."

"no shot, he really is?" she asks, attempting to peek over you to get a look at the stranger.

"yes, he is and he keeps calling me sweetheart," you whisper at your coworker.

"he keeps calling you what?!" miyeon shouts into the saloon causing a few eyes to look over at the two of you.

"miyeon!" you whisper-shout once more. "anyways, he wants a glass of whiskey so would you be a dear and get me some."

"i think you should be the one filling up his glass, if he called you sweetheart."

"oh for christ's sake, miyeon. just give me the damn whiskey."

"who spit in your tea this mornin'" miyeon grumbles as she puts the glass down in front of you.

you roll your eyes at her response, before whisking away to the back of the saloon once more.

"where's ya whiskey," you place the glass down on the table before giving him a curtsy.

"thank you sugar."

in the distance, you hear another customer calling you over. reluctantly, you turn your attention towards the voice leaving yunho behind.

"sweetheart," yunho calls out to you, attention fully back on him again. you tilt your head waiting for him to finish his sentence, " you gonna be busy tonight?"

it took everything in you to not give yourself to him right away but godamn it was tempting. "i got some things to do tonight, but come tomorrow. i might not be busy."

you watch as the man slowly nods before downing the rest of his glass. "alright then sugar, i'll see you tomorrow."

yunho doesn't know how long he's been sitting in this damn saloon but he's been there too long and he can't keep slowly sipping this whiskey for another hour.

the cowboy arrived roughly around the same hour as he did last night assuming the flustered waitress he met would have the same hours again but as of right now he was wrong. yunho recognized her coworker and was tempted to ask about your whereabouts but decided against it. he didn't want come off as a creep or desperate.

usually, yunho didn't mess around with any of the girls in the small towns he visited. he was strictly a business-only type of man but something about you was just so enticing. a one-night stand wouldn't hurt right?

"wanna refill on that sir?" a pretty voice asks him luring out of his thoughts.

"i'm alright, i'm just," yunho looks up midsentence to see you standing above him. "waiting on someone..." he trials off, his eyes shamelessly wandering to places they shouldn't.

"really?"

"actually, they're here now." he answers absentmindedly, eyes still drifting towards your chest.

a blush makes its way to your cheeks as you hug the tray closer to your body, "well, let me know what they want, i'll be right back."

yunho only ordered one more glass from you as he waited for you to get off. he had planned to invite you back to his hotel room sometime during your shift but even with the alcohol running through his veins, he couldn't bring himself to talk to you.

once the night had began to wind down and most of the patrons had cleared from the saloon, yunho wandered to the bar to pay for his tab. he watched you gossip with your coworker, your backs to him as words carelessly left your mouth. he didn't know what the topic of the conversation was but yunho did catch some pretty interesting things.

"y'know what they say," your coworker leans into you with a knowing smirk. "save a horse, ride a cowboy!"

"miyeon!" you shout at her, giving her a slap on the shoulder. "we still have customers here!" you look over your shoulder to exaggerate your point only to see the cowboy she was referencing.

"hi sir! what can i help you with?" you ask, elbowing miyeon to get back to work.

a small laugh came up yunho's throat as he walked up closer to the counter with his hands on his belt, "just wanna close up my tab that's all."

"right, we'll get that for you. what'd ya order again?"

"just three glasses of whiskey."

"that'll be one hundred won."

"alrighty then." yunho reaches into his pocket to fish out the money. before placing on them on the table, he leans over the counter beckoning you to come closer which you do, "i can teach ya how to ride a real cowboy."

you froze, thighs rubbing at the suggested thought. "o-okay."

the corner of yunho's lips quip into a cocky smile as he watched you turn red. "i'll wait for ya then sugar. don't keep me waiting too long."

you have never cleaned up and closed so fast in your life. the tables were wiped and the floors were mopped. even miyeon had sped up with her own chores after you agreed to tell her what the mysterious cowboy told you.

before leaving the saloon, you take a moment to fix yourself up in the mirror. once deeming yourself presentable you take a deep breath before walking out.

the crisp, night air embraced you forcing you to wrap your arms around yourself as you look for the tall cowboy. "yunho?"

as on cue, the man emerged from the shadows with a cigarette between his lips. "you finished a lot sooner than i expected."

"there wasn't much to do."

"ahhh," yunho hums as he stomps on the cigarette to put it out, "ready doll?" he sticks out his arm for you to hold.

humming in response, you wrap your arm around his much larger one. the warmth radiating him his body instantly warming you up as you walked in the cold.

yunho made some effort to get to know you to refrain from taking you right now. it was hard to avoid thinking about he was going to fuck you tonight.

when the two of you arrived at yunho's room after passing by the innkeeper who merely raised an eyebrow at you, there was a thick tension in the air as you (im)patiently watched yunho unlock the door.

once unlocked, yunho stepped aside to let you in. the tension grew even thicker when he came inside. it was like a waiting game to see who would make the first move.

with hungry eyes, yunho stalked towards you, his figure looming over you as you eventually backed into the door. "i won't bite, sugar."

as soon as those words left his mouth, you closed the gap between you two attacking his lips mercilessly. yunho fought back with equal fervor, his tongue clashing with yours as he kept a finger under your chin to keep it titled.

pulling back for a breath with your chest heaving, yunho pulled away to your dismay but stayed close enough to whsiper, lead you to the bed inviting you to sit on his lap. eagerly, you throw your legs around him without a thought. your lips return to his in an instant, this time even messier as your teeth clashed with his. yunho pulled you higher up on his lap so that your clothed core came into contact with his raging hard-on. you gasped at the contact, allowing him to slip his tongue into your mouth.

yunho pulled away to catch his breath making you whine at the loss of his lips. he immediately shut you up by leaving soft kisses all over your neck and dangerously venturing toward your chest. soft gasps quickly turned to moans once those sweet kisses turned to love bites. one of your hands finds its way to yunho's hair, pulling every time he added another hickey. subconsciously, your hips began to rock against his.

a tut comes out of yunho's mouth as he stops his attacks on your neck, "patience sugar."

a pout forms on your lips as you beg with your eyes for the cowboy to do something about the ache in your lower half. "please,"

"you gotta use your words, doll." yunho teases as he matches your pout.

warmth begins to spread throughout your face, "please, let me ride you."

"there's my good girl," he praises a smile replacing the pout on your face.

his hands went to work at his belt, swiftly removing the chunky leather along with his pants as well while you unzipped your dress and drawls underneath. once you were fully unclothed, you shyly looked at yunho for guidance who was already waiting on the bed, a hand lazily pumping at his cock.

"come 'ere sugar," he motions at you with his free hand.

obediently, you climbed onto the bed, both legs swinging over each side as your hands shyly press against his lower stomach. yunho watches you intently as you glide your slick cunt over his aching cock before finally sinking down on him. once you've fully taken him in, your big doe eyes look down at yunho for help.

"you can move sweeheart." he encourages you. god you were going to be the death of him. how could such a pretty thing like you be so clueless? it made yunho want to ruin you more.

you nodded your head as the pain in your lower half turned into sweet pleasure. giving an experimental roll of your hips, you watch as yunho's bites down on his lip harder and mumbles a quiet "fuck".

"just like that sugar," yunho praises, his hands snaking around your waist to help him ground himself.

with yunho's praise, you fell into a steady rhythm of rocking your hips back and worth. whimpers left your mouth as you felt the knot in your stomach begin to tighten.

yunho could feel your pussy clench around his dick as you neared your high. he was close well but he needed more to be able to come. the cowboy was patient enough to let you figure out a rhythm but now he needed to cum. the hands on your waist still you for a moment as he guides your hips in a up and down motion. this new pace had you seeing stars as the repeated motion of yunho's big dick breached your walls every second.

"fuck yunho," you moan, "feels so good."

yunho smirks at your fucked out state, "does it baby?"

you hum in response, not even being able to form a single word. god, he was fucking you so good.

the cowboy started to bounce you harder on his dick as he bucked his own hips to meet yours. your moans spurred him on as he chased his high. lord, you were addicting. he could listen to your pretty sounds all day long.

"yunho, i'm-fuck, so cclose!" you whimper out with your eyes shut.

"wait for me sugar," yunho grunts slamming his hips even harder as his hands gripped your waist so tightly that there was sure to be a mark tommorow.

a whimper leaves your lips, warning yunho that you may not be able to hold off your orgasm. "you can be a good girl, can't you?" he groans in between thrusts.

"yes-fuck," you cry out, nails scratching at his toned chest.

"i'm close sugar, aalmost," yunho groans, his fingers pressing even harder onto your hips as he continued to slam his hips into yours.

"fuck!" you groan as you feel the knot in your stomach unravel as yunho finishes. his hips stutters as he empties his load into your cunt.

yunho watches as the cums leaks out from you and onto his lower stomach and he couldn't help but buck his hips one more time. a whine leaves your lips as your pussy aches from the overstimulation. "sorry sugar, you're just too tempting."

you collapse onto yunho's chest, arms tired from holding yourself up for so long. his body felt warm as yunho's arms wrap around you, encasing him in his embrace.

"good job sugar," yunho praises once more, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of your head. "i think ya just need one more lesson from me doll. what'd ya think?"

[tonicandjins]

all of the girls you loved before

CHARACTERS: lee donghyuck | haechan x fem reader

WORD COUNT: 3k

GENRE: best friends to lovers, all of the girls you loved before by taylor swift

WARNINGS: none, just fluff

AUTHOR'S NOTE: this has been in my drafts for way too long. hope you like it! please consider donating/tipping me

all of the girls you loved before is the fourth installment from 23 moments with donghyuck

lee naeun, June 2013 - July 2013

Lee Donghyuck’s first love turned out to be the quickest one.

It was a whirlwind romance, like how he would describe it whenever you’d ask him. At thirteen, you and Donghyuck were finally catching up to the rest of your homeroom’s growing pains—both literally and figuratively. Your legs were longer now, albeit Donghyuck’s becoming longer than almost everyone else’s, and you were prettier than most. Letting your bangs grow was a wise decision in the summer, after all. Long gone were your chubby cheeks and you’d learned how to put on some lip tint before jumping on the bus to school. The internet was a better teacher when it comes to styling your hair; you’d never expected hairstyles come with face shapes. Meanwhile, Donghyuck, though his cheeks are still as round as they were in primary school, has learned that the hugs and kisses he used to give everyone in homeroom erupted butterflies all over.

You’d wondered, of course, because among everyone in class, Donghyuck’s probably given you the most hugs and kisses, yet you haven’t quite figured out what they meant when they say he gives people butterflies.

In the same year, Donghyuck learned consent. His mother and father gave him a lecture on why kissing people randomly isn’t ideal at his age and why consent is important. Hence, he’d stopped giving everyone random kisses. The last one he’d kissed you on the cheek was a week before summer started—not that you were keeping a record of all the stolen kisses—right when you were about to jump off the bus you and him were on.

Lee Naeun gave the first consent at thirteen. On the last day of classes.

She was moving to the US the next school year. Donghyuck made you wait by the benches as she packed up her duffel back after soccer practice.

She was taller than everyone else. Sporty and ambitious, Lee Naeun was every boy’s kryptonite. Just like how Lee Donghyuck was every girl’s.

“Can I kiss you?” Donghyuck asked. Naeun blushed like crazy. She was taller than Donghyuck, so when she’d nodded, Donghyuck had to go on his tip toes to reach her lips.

You looked away when Donghyuck got his first real kiss, wondering if the sudden pain in your stomach is the same as the butterflies that people get when Donghyuck kisses them.

kim haerin, August 2016 - January 2018

Kim Haerin was Donghyuck’s girlfriend all throughout junior high school.

Contrary to popular belief, Haerin pursued Donghyuck from the first week of classes. You and Donghyuck had moved to a different school after middle school as the one in your hometown didn’t focus much on arts, leaning towards STEM more, which, if you and Donghyuck were being honest, is the last thing you’d want to do in high school. This also meant that you and Donghyuck were new in town—the new girl and the new guy—and that people your age were particularly curious about you and Donghyuck that school year.

Oddly enough, the first thing they needed to confirm was whether you and him were dating. As soon as it was a clear no, you and Donghyuck received flowers left and right. You wondered whether this is what high school should be like and expected Donghyuck to feel the same, but that school year was different. The people liked the extroverted, friends with everybody Donghyuck, so it was easier for him to adjust to the new place and the new people.

They’d started dating the week after school started. Haerin was a part of a big group, the ones who’d studied in the school’s sister middle school down the road, and she knew everyone. She was nice, or so you’ve heard because you didn’t have that many conversations with her to confirm if she truly is, and she’d say hi to you when you passed by her by the lockers.

Donghyuck tried to take you with him whenever they’d hang out, of course, but his attempts could only do much because you weren’t into the same things as they were. Eventually, you’d found your own group and adjusted to the new school all by yourself. It made you worry about Donghyuck less whenever you’d see him all happy and loud like the person he is. While Donghyuck’s name stuck with Haerin’s all throughout high school, yours remain independent. You’d decided you’d start dating when you’re ready.

The only times you’d see each other, apart from the classes you shared, were weekends with your families. You and him talk, of course. Donghyuck at home is different from Donghyuck at school. But it was different. The memories of you and him going to and from school gradually blurred between all the people you’d met in high school.

Kim Haerin broke up with Donghyuck as soon as you all came back from Christmas break on the last year of junior high. She’d started dating the new guy from the other class who transferred all the way from Germany. She’d given Donghyuck a kiss in the middle of the empty gymnasium and told him she’d loved him but the sparks were gone.

Donghyuck waited with you on the bus stop that same day. To this day, he waits with you.

im jieun, November 2019 – December 2019

Im Jieun was one of a kind, and if you could pick, she was your favorite from Donghyuck’s long list of lovers.

She was a couple of years older than you and Donghyuck. How Donghyuck even got the slimmest chance of dating her, you have no idea. She was a freshman in college. You and Donghyuck met her at one of your seniors’ birthday party; they’d hit it off easily. They had the same personality, almost like twins, and were pretty much the perfect couple in your newly found friend group.

That year was the most life changing for him because Donghyuck lost his virginity with her, and for quite some time, similar to when he’d dated Kim Haerin, he disappeared from your life, and not that you’d cared at much at that time because you were also dating your first boyfriend, Na Jaemin.

Jaemin was everything a first boyfriend should be. Gentle and sweet, determined and future-driven, truly the kind you’d want your parents to meet. He’s been in the same class as you since junior high, but he wasn’t the kind to approach women that easily. He was brought up loyal and kind, and it showed with the way he treated you. He asked you out on a dinner for the first date, at an amusement park for the second, and a picnic by the park for the third—which was the same day he officially asked you as his girlfriend.

When Donghyuck had learned, he was as surprised as a best friend would be.

“You never told me you liked Jaemin,” he commented when you’d told him the news. He was sitting on the swivel gaming chair you and him bought as pairs right beside your bed, where you were still half asleep because he barged in at seven on a Sunday morning. Apparently, he learned it because he saw Jaemin’s Instagram story from your date with him last night.

“Because I didn’t,” you groggily replied. You squinted, trying to make up your mind whether Donghyuck’s a dream or not. “I mean, I like him now. But it didn’t occur to me until he started asking me out for dates.”

Donghyuck leaned his head against your chair, kicking his feet off the floor to spin himself around. “You never even told me you went out on dates.”

You giggled. “Are you sulking now, Donghyuck?”

He sighed. “I tell you all about the girls I date. Even the ones I dream on dating. And this one time you finally decided to start dating, I wasn’t there for you.”

You sat up, watching as your child-like best friend spins himself dizzy on your chair. “Check your phone. Every time Jaemin and I went out, I texted you.”

He sighed again, pressing his foot on your bedroom’s floor, stopping so he could look at you eye to eye. “You didn’t tell me it was a date. You said you were having dinner with him, going to the amusement with him, and hanging out with him at the park.”

“We’re 19,” you pointed out. “What would 19-year olds do alone together?”

Donghyuck tilted his head sideways. “You and I are always alone together.”

“It’s different.” You throw a pillow at Donghyuck, kicking off the blanket from your body and moving to give him some space to lay on. “Come here, you big baby.”

Donghyuck’s mouth formed into a pout but occupied the space on your bed anyway.

“I’m a big girl,” you reminded him as he rested his head on your chest. “I don’t need you to be there for me on my first relationship.”

“Ouch,” he mumbled.

“I will always need you in my life, Donghyuck,” you clarified, knowing well how Donghyuck hates being not needed. “Just, not for this one. I might actually, truly like Jaemin. He’s a good guy.”

Donghyuck hummed. “But I’m still your best friend, right?”

You laughed. Because it’s the most ridiculous thing you’d ever heard. Donghyuck will always be your best friend. You were certain no relationship would break that. You and him were past being insecure about your friendship.

“Always.”

Donghyuck broke up with Jieun before Christmas break. The reason, you have no idea. But he’d told you it wasn’t as fun as it was in the beginning anymore. And Jieun was in university, after all, and you and him had SATs to pass and college essays to ace before the school year ends.

You and Jaemin took him out for clubbing that night, in hopes of cheering him up. It was a mystery to you why he’d suddenly decided to end it when the relationship seemed like it was smooth-sailing. They’d even talk about Donghyuck going to the same university as Jieun next year. You didn’t recall any fights within the relationship, so you wonder why.

Donghyuck leaves the club without you and Jaemin.

lee naeun (again), February 2020 – April 2020

Donghyuck learned from Lee Jeno that his first love returned from the US to take her bachelor’s degree in Seoul on Valentine’s day. He found her wandering around SNU’s main lobby on the first day of the spring semester. You and Donghyuck were visiting the university after receiving your acceptance letters, looking for an apartment to share. Jaemin was going to another university, so it wasn’t wise for you and him to move in together, hence Donghyuck offered to move in with you to save up some money for rent and other expenses.

Lee Naeun stood there, still taller than Donghyuck, still the first person who ever kissed Donghyuck’s lips, still the first person you’d ever compared yourself to, wondering what she had that you didn’t.

Like the day they kissed in 2013, you looked away when Donghyuck finally reached to where she stood, wondering why, all of a sudden, many years later, the butterflies were flying all over in your stomach once again.

ginny williams, September 2020 – October 2020

Of course, the first woman that Donghyuck officially dated in university is from the UK. Jeno said he only dated her to show everyone he’s immensely improved in English.

The break-up was proof Donghyuck never improved in English. He didn’t even understand why she was breaking up with him.

park yesol, September 2021 – February 2022

You introduced Donghyuck to Park Yesol because it’s what she wanted for her birthday.

She had invited you to her 21st birthday. You and her, if you were being honest, barely know each other. You only shared a class in Literature once, so at first, it was a mystery to you why she suddenly invited you. When she’d asked if you could ask Donghyuck to RSVP with you, you’d known that it’s all she wanted from you.

Eventually, they’d start dating. Donghyuck, at that time, had been single for almost a year. He thought he convinced you that college was finally catching up on him hence he’d put a stop to his “demanding” dating life. However, Donghyuck is your best friend, and you could see right through him. You knew he liked someone he wasn’t willing to share with you, and he was probably working up the courage to ask that person out, which, when you thought about it, was new. Donghyuck was cunning and ambitious and he knew what he wanted and how to get it. He was never one to shy away from the people he liked, so it was a little suspicious that it took him almost a year to start dating again. You did not figure out who he liked, and you knew he’d only started dating Yesol to get you to shut up about it.

You and him knew it wasn’t a serious relationship because Yesol was dating other guys while she’d dated him. Donghyuck told you it felt like the relationship was just for sex because of his oozing sex appeal; you’d thrown a cushion at him when he’d said that.

Meanwhile, you and Jaemin were almost at pointbreak.

You didn’t want to spend Valentine’s Day being uncertain of the relationship would go, so you broke up with him on the first day of February. Jaemin had gotten an internship in Japan a few months ago, and the company that hired him liked him so much that they wanted to keep him while he finishes his degree virtually. You wished you could say the same, that you loved him so much you also wanted to keep him.

It was finally catching up to you and him, the distance. So, it was better you’d break it off before you and him start failing subjects just to keep a relationship steady.

Two and a half years together wasn’t enough. You and Jaemin wanted to spend the rest of your college years, at least, together. But like he said the night you’d ended it: it wasn’t worth it if it was compromising your mental health and studies. You’d cried so much that night, and you wondered if Donghyuck pretended he couldn’t hear you sobbing from the other side of the apartment.

Come Valentine’s Day, Donghyuck asked you to dress up, throwing a paper bag at you.

The place he “luckily scored” a reservation from, on a busy, fully-booked Valentine’s night, was nice. It was romantic and you were flushed and giddy from all the wine and all of the Donghyuck.

“Why are you here with me and not with Yesol?” you’d asked after the waiter filled your glass.

Donghyuck smiled at you. “I broke up with her two weeks ago.” Around the same time you did with Jaemin. “I figured if my best friend would be miserable on Valentine’s day, I should be, too.”

You laughed. “Well, you don’t look too miserable for a newly single man.”

“I’m not,” he confessed. “I’m never miserable when I have you.”

You reached out one hand, palm facing Donghyuck. He intertwined his hand with yours. And it fit perfectly. Just like the dress he got you.

your name, June 2022 – present (or alternately, sometime in 2005 – forever.)

“Lee Naeun, Kim Haerin, Im Jieun, Lee Naeun again, then Park Yesol,” you enumerate. “You were a ladies’ man!”

Donghyuck whines, begging you to stop as you go through his things in his room, particularly the notes and letters from the girls he’d dated.

You and him are moving out. Graduation is just around the corner, and you and Donghyuck decided to move on to a better place. Your boyfriend got a job in one of the biggest companies in his industry, while you’re yet to find yours.

“Don’t forget Ginny Williams,” he teases, throwing you a love letter from the bunch.

“You did not date Ginny Williams, Donghyuck. It was an illusion,” you scoff. “Tell me one conversation you had with her. A real one.”

“I swear to God, she loved me,” he answers. “Stop playing around and help me in here.”

You stand from the carpeted floor and walk towards Donghyuck as he sorts out the things from his study desk. Donghyuck starts with the tower of books and folders, organizing them alphabetically as he carefully places them on the box labeled as books. The other box is labeled as essentials; hence you start throwing his headphones and speakers and its chargers in. While doing so, you get a hold of a small box that contains what you thought were miscellaneous items mixed in with trash, until you realize what’s inside.

There are a few polaroid pictures of you and him from high school, including a picture of you and him on your high school’s graduation day, some receipts from, now you recognize, the places you’d gone to. There’s a receipt from when you and him took the subway to visit a museum at the other side of the country back in 2018, another from Valentines day 2022, when you and him celebrated being newly single, the old ticket from your senior prom when he’d gone with you, and so many more that you could recognize just from its dates.

“Donghyuck,” you whisper as you look at the box of memories. Donghyuck turns, eyes wide when he recognizes the box you’re holding. “Where… where should I put these?”

Donghyuck loved many girls in his life. You can recall their names in the order of when he’d dated them. You had your favorites and the ones you didn’t like that much. Some of your friends wonder if you’ve ever been insecure knowing you weren’t the first kiss or the first person he had sex with and if you were okay with knowing all of that. You weren’t the first and you wish you’d be the last. The only thing you’re certain of, is that he had always loved you, and that alone erases all the other thoughts.

If you could say so, you’re thankful for all of the girls he loved before because they made him the one you’d fallen for. Every dead-end street led him straight to you.

He smiles. “Essentials.”

[imaginewarehouse]

Human!Sheriff x Reader x Human!Doc Hudson || Drabble

Plot: Flo's diner on Friday Night's is always a lot of fun- there's good food and drink (Which is not out of the ordinary, admittedly), good company (The whole town ends up there at some point in the night), and theirs dancing. You're determined to get the hot old men to dance with you.

Warnings: Age difference I guess but its not a focus point.

I have had this fic in my drafts, finished and all, for years. Since like, 2019-2020, but since I wrote it just for me (Also the reason for the fist person perspective), I had never bothered to edit it- well I finally did and I think its kinda cute ^^

🔆🔆🔆

“What are you two doing just sitting around and drinking over here for?” I ask Doc and the Sheriff, as I sweep off the dancefloor in exhaustion and rest in the chair beside Doc (The material of his blazer grazes my bare arm and I get a little jolt from the innocent touch). Mater’s a sweetie pie, and a great dancer but… boy, does he have more endurance than I do. After I take a second to gather my exhaustion and banish it, I turn to the two men and flash them a smile. “It’s fun out there!”

“Hmm, your exhaustion and the sweat completely bucketing off of you is especially encouraging.” Doc rolls his eyes, and turns to look back at the dancers. Ramone and Flo are dancing smoothly in the middle, like they’re practised, like they do it at home because they just love each other like that- unsurprisingly. Then Sally and Lightning are there, too, Mater’s found a new partner in Guido while Luigi laughs at his friend’s expense off to the side, and Lizzie's talking on happily to Red off to the side. A soft smile rests on my lips, until I turn away from the scene and back to the two men I’m sitting with. Sheriff’s already looking at me, which makes me smile wider.

“Being tired and sweaty is a good sign!” I exclaim, winking. “Sheriff, what about you? Fancy a round with me?” How many innuendos can I make with these men and get away with it? How many until they get it and take me? I’m not saying take advantage… because neither of them would do that- but at least recognise what I’m trying to get at here and ask me about it!!

He chuckles, moving in his bar stool chair to be more comfortable. “That’s a lovely offer, darlin’, but I’m afraid I’d probably just slow you down. I’m not as young as I used to be!”

At this, an opportunistic light switches on behind Doc’s calculating eyes, swivelling on his stool ever so slightly in order to turn that piercing stare on the sheriff. “Yes, he’s missed his last 3 check-ups, Y/N. Anything could be wrong with him.” Sheriff bristles and his expression dissolves into guilt, as he refuses to look at Doc who’s smirking. “Damn hot rods not allowing you a single day off to visit the office, right Sheriff?”

“Uhuh, ri-right.” Sheriff quickly clears his throat, straightening in his chair now to look around at anything other than Doc. As he does that, Dr Hudson glances to me with a quiet, conspiratorial look before taking another drink from his mug, making me giggle quietly.

In a moment, I raise my eyebrows at him. “Why don’t you take a dance with me, then? You must be at the height of health, ey Doc?”

A grunt is his response, as the amusement leaves his blue eyes and he looks away again.

“Come on, one of you? Both of you? I’m not picky- I’m desperate! Mater’s got a new partner and… “I risk a glance at the tow-truck owner and can’t stop a laugh from bubbling up to the surface. “Guido’s a hard act to beat! He’ll never want me back. I’m dying to get back on the floor, though!”

“Guido’s seemed to have transformed miraculously into a sack of potatoes.” Doc states in that slow, gravelly drawl, assessing the dancing couples as well. And it’s true, making me really chuckle this time at his analogy. Mater is just swinging the little Italian around at this point, with absolutely zero help from Guido himself. Guido’s toupee keeps bopping around and slipping out of place.

I stop my chuckling by biting my bottom lip, and scraping it through my teeth as I turn back to them. Sheriff’s stopped avoiding Docs gaze now and is looking at me with him like they’ve won- like together they can ward me off- Oh, ho, ho, though. These two think they’re so clever and victorious. But they haven’t gotten out of this. No, no. I’m determined; I’ll get one of them to dance with me tonight, even if it takes begging!

“You’re right.” I admit, then lean closer into the table pleadingly. “But I don’t want to dance with Mater, I want you two! Come onnnn,” I whine, looking as pleadingly as possible to them.

Doc sets me with a firm, straight lipped look. “And you’ll continue to want me.”

Well, that’s that then.

I turn from him, to Sheriff. When Doc’s mind is set, he usually will never change it. Sheriff, though… he’s a bit more lenient. A softie. A sweetheart. That’s one of the things I really love about him, in contrast to what I really love about Doc; his cleverness, his sternness. Unbelievably sexy qualities.

And I’m right, too. The Sheriff’s looking at me a with worried frown under that moustache and thoughtful deep, dark blue eyes. Oh lord, these men and their blue eyes. They had me my first day here in Radiator Springs.  

I offer my hand across the table to him, and up the ante with my cute pleading look, which I hadn’t even known was possible. I do so by adding a little pout, and it does the trick. Sheriff heaves a great sigh and drops his large hand into mine, getting out of his chair. He rolls his eyes. “Hot damn… “He mutters something about the lord saving him, as I get up from my seat with the biggest beam on my face and springing into place next to him like a slightly overexcited puppy, before returning his gaze to me. “Remember what I said, I’m not as springy as I once was. And, I was never a very good dancer in the first place, so- “

“Let’s go!” Now that I’ve got him up, I’m not about stand here and listen to him talk himself out of this again, so I take us off to a spot on the floor. When I turn back to him and let go of his hand, I flash him a bright grin and think out loud in anticipation as the song ends and we wait for the next one to play. “Besides, the point of this is not to look good, it’s to have fun! Wanna have fun with me, Sheriff?” Okay, so I might have gone a little far with that last comment as the poor, sweet man goes a little pink, but I pretend not to notice that and just listen out for the first few beats of the next song. Before I can make the first move and pick up his hands again, as the song’s a bit boppy and perfect for twirling, he takes up mine first and then, before I know it he’s dancing with me. It’s so much fun!, he’s not half bad at dancing like he let on- there’s a little bit of funk and we slip out of time every now and then but that just makes us laugh. And he twirls me!! He twirls me!!! I’m also starting to think he was just being modest, with all that ‘I’m not as springy as I once was’, crap. Sheriff’s in shape! We’ve been dancing for the past 8 songs and he has not once needed a break or looked like he would be needing one any time soon.

It’s so much fun that I nearly forget to want a drink, or a break myself. The music is so hillbilly it’s fun, the laughter is elating, and the company is addictive. Every time a song ends, he’ll dip me and I’m not afraid that he’ll drop me; he’s strong, and his grip on me is firm. I laugh quite a bit when he does that, and when I get to twirl, and at some point he throws his hat off to Doc, and I’m surprised there’s still a Ford-Pines-Tom-Sellick-level head of hair there. Man, does this place know how to grow ‘em…

We go on like this for a few more songs, until he reminds me to get a drink and a rest for a moment and see how Doc is doing. “Hey Doc, I don’t think you should be worried about Sheriffs health, he’s fitter than me!” I exclaim elatedly as I collapse back into my seat beside him, exasperated but not really. Tired, yes, but annoyed, not at all.

“Hmmm,”

“Still don’t wanna get a dance in before the night’s over Doc? It really is fun!” Sheriff pours us both some water from the jug Doc ordered for us, laughing a bit because of the left-over endorphins, and I nod along intently.

“Yes, the offer’s still on the table until the last song ends. So, keep that in mind.”

“Sure.”

I giggle, widening my eyes exasperatedly at Sheriff over my cup as I take a sip, before Doc starts up a conversation about Chick’s latest Lightning slander in the news.  

6 songs later, and the night’s about to end, sadly. I watch, quietly and honestly tired, as Ramone goes up to Red and requests a certain song, quietly. I guess it’s something special between him and Flow, but as the slow song starts to play, Sally and Lightning dance too- and I’m actually perfectly content and happy in just sitting by and watching, when a shift beside me catches my attention and I look to see Doc getting off his stool and stretching his back. “Ah… this is much more my speed. Y/N?” He raises his hand in front of my face without looking back from the dance floor, and I raise an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“You said the offer to dance was on the table until the last song. I believe this- is the last song.” A slow grin spreads across my face, and I cautiously, tiredly hop off my own stool, taking his hand in the process.

“Sure is!”

“Now, Doc, I’d’a thought you’d be up for something faster!” The Sheriff teases after us, with laughing eyes as he sits comfortably still in his seat.

A tiny smile graces Doc’s face, making me feel squirmy like it always does. “Yes, but my physical ability extends only to the minimum of what a driver’s required to be. Dear, now shall we?”

“Mhm, yeah, we shall!” I agree, grinning cheekily at him and waiving quickly to the Sheriff as Doc walks me onto the floor and swings me around to face him. The song, slow and easy, plays on around us as he fixes his hands carefully on the okay zone around my waist and mine find his shoulders. As we sway around the floor, I wonder; Will I ever get to do this with them as my men? Go out dancing as a date?.. Will these two ever realise how much I really like them?

When Doc grins again I wonder, if he actually already does know.

[roselees]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you for the tag lovely! ❤️ @inherstars

A little snippet from WIP from your prompt (still very much in first draft):

Nearly two years to the day of their arrival in Jackson, Ellie was finally being allowed on her very first overnight patrol.

And with easily the worst possible timing, Joel had fucked up his knee the week before and was under express orders not to leave the town.

To say he was unimpressed was an understatement. As he helped Ellie clamber onto the back of the horse, gently lifting her foot into the stirrup, it was clear as day on his face that the very last thing he wanted was to be letting her out there alone; worry was etched into his furrowed brow, his crows feet creasing, “I want it on record that I think this is a terrible idea–” he grumbled, and as Ellie plonked herself onto the saddle and slung the comically oversized rifle over her shoulder, she shot him a look, blowing her fringe out of her eyes in an effort to seem more grown.

It didn’t really work - even for a sixteen year old, she hadn’t quite grown into herself, and while she might have now been all lanky arms and legs, she was still a kid at heart. She had too much of a baby face to look anything other than half her age, and besides - Joel struggled to look at her and see anything other than the teenager he’d promised to protect. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

“Stop fretting, old man. We’ll be fine. It’s only like.. Half a day away. That’s nothing. And I’m gonna be there to look after Tommy, so he ain’t gonna get himself killed.” she said, and from the front of the saddle, the younger man just snorted, head snapping back as his eyebrow shot up.

“Oh? That’s how it’s gonna be?” he questioned, and she just grinned, “You’re looking after me, huh?”

“Mh-hm. You’re going senile in your old age.. So they’re sending you out with someone younger. Someone with keen eyes and working knees.. Seeing as you have neither.”

“Joel, I’ve changed my mind. You can take your terror back. I’d rather go alone.”

Joel, however, just snorted.

“Now I like that idea even less than the both of you going out there–” he muttered, shaking his head. He reached out to fix the bags on the back of the horse, ignoring the look Tommy shot him; he couldn’t help it. He was a fretter, a mother-hen. He always had been, and when the main source of his grey hairs were running amok together, it only got more obvious, “Look, I ain’t happy about it, but you both better take this seriously, you hear me? I want you back in one piece.”

“I’ve done plenty of patrols in my time, Joel. I reckon we’ve got this one covered.” Tommy pointed out, but Joel shot him a stare that screamed ‘I ain’t finished’, and his little brother quickly put up a hand in surrender. Ellie snorted as Joel continued, jabbing a finger towards his chest.

“I’m not just saying this for Ellie’s benefit, either. You don’t go taking any risks out there. You play it by the rules.” he continued, and when Tommy just scoffed he lifted his chin, “I mean it. Least of all because your wife will fuckin’ kill me too if you die out there, and if you get yourself in any kind of trouble–” he met Ellie’s eye, attention shifting towards her, and she quickly held up a hand.

“Dude, when have I ever got in trouble?”

Tagging @consultingzoologist @adhdprincess @shejustcalledmeafish @bumblepony @liketherest @22thumbs (no pressure!)

[totally-not-deacon]

WIP Wednesday!!!

Tagged by @dalishthunder, and gonna bother @bokatan, @bardic-inspo, and @throughtrialbyfire!

So uh, I don't have writing in the traditional, fanfic, sense. But I DID get it into my head to work on giving Follower!Marasa a little gimmick. Thinking once a day, at an inn, you can give her some form of alcohol in exchange for a long-winded, rambling, (probably) intoxicated story. Some about her, some things she's seen/done, some just lore related stuff she's found interesting. Definitely gonna have that exaggerated, "the fish was THIIIISS big" kind of energy.

I'll go ahead and give you the (VERY rough) draft of the first story, and the only one actually partially in the CK now.

(BOLD is the Player response)

What, you want a bedtime story, now? Fine, how about this.

You ever been to Cyrodiil in the autumn? Gone stomping though the Great Forest to see the pretty leaves? Don’t. It’s cold. It’s wet. And it’s miserable. So imagine you’re me – you’ve been marching since the Dawn era, it’s raining, and you were dumb enough to drop your day’s rations in the mud almost twelve hours ago. As you can imagine, we were having the time of our lives.

But all of a sudden – like you’ve been blessed by the Gods themselves – the clouds part, and your superiors finally tell everyone to start setting camp. You could kiss them for this. Well, if you could reach, that is. And if you didn’t value your life. Yeah, best to hold off on that one, actually.

Anyway, we all go about, setting up tents and whatnot. Takes forever, the whole ground feels like it’s nothing but rocks with a thin layer of leaves on top. Not one of us was gonna sleep comfortably. Not that any of us cared at that point, could have strung us up by the necks if it meant we’d get a break from the officers barking orders.

Can we come back to this later? [EXIT]

Wow, alright. I’m sure we can come up with a time that’s far more convenient for you.

Are you going to get to the story part soon?

Okay, rude. As I was coming to, before being interrupted, these weren’t just rocks under the soil. They were bricks. We were setting up camp on top of some old town, or something. Wasn’t on any of our maps, so it must’ve been gone for a long while. Lots of places got wiped out during the Oblivion Crisis, so it was probably just one of those. Didn’t stop a few of the others from trying to scare some of the new recruits with ghost stories. One of ‘em kept saying something about the dirt, I think? I have no idea.

As luck would have it, I think I found the one flat spot in the entire clearing. The second that canvas was up, I was out. Surely I’d sleep straight into morning, right? Wrong.

Was it the Imperials?

Was it the – who is telling the story? That’s what I thought.

I wake up all of a sudden, it’s still dark out, almost dead silent. But I knew something was up. It felt like there were eyes on me, from – from all directions. I’m thinking we’re about to be ambushed, but I can’t even reach for my sword. In fact, I can’t move at all. It was like being paralyzed, but this was no spell. At least, I don’t think it was. So I’m stuck there, waiting for what surely must be the Imperials about to storm from the treeline at any moment. But that’s when I hear it.

Whispering.

At first, I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. It felt close, really close, but I couldn’t make out the words. It didn’t sound like it was coming outside the tent, or even, gods forbid, in the tent but… but beneath it.

Now I know you’re making this up. [1]

Look, I know how it sounds, but for once I’m not messing with you!

How much did you have to drink? [2]

Dead sober, sadly. We were all still pretending to have some level of decorum within earshot of the officers.

Then what happened? [3]

Finally, someone actually listening for once!

… [cont.]

So as you can imagine, I did not do much sleeping that night. I was already packing up by the time the sun started to rise. Couple of others were already up as well, and I think we could all tell. None of us had to say it. Funny thing was, we were all spread out through the camp, but somehow we all heard the same thing.

Once it looks like we’re about to move out again, I look back to where I had my tent that night, and I see one of the new recruits walking my way. And then… I didn’t. Guy was gone. Apparently fell through some rotten boards and down an old well.

Rotten boards your tent was on top of.

Uh-huh. Someone threw a torch down, trying to see how far down he was, but… it never seemed to reach the bottom.

Aaaanyway, take a stab at where they were lol

[stimky-stencha]

Stencha's Jedi Diaries- Day 5

Dear Diary,

It’s been an uneventful first week since my arrival in the new world. I still have yet to meet anyone face to face, but I have finally found a settlement. The locals call it “Ponyville” and are comprised of various ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. I believe I have found the source of my physical transformation. I think Dad really did just send me to a pony dimension. Whether this pony world would contain a Jedi or not is up to investigation.

Unfortunately, I don’t think visiting the town would be a good idea. I had to spray a predator attempting to hunt me down, and the spray got all over my tail. Even if I’m able to cloak the big white stripe on my tail, the rancid smell is more than enough to draw unwanted attention. But then again, they may also have food and shelter. And I’ve been running low on food for the past five days. My stomach’s been killing me after all. Should I go ahead and take the risk?

…

Unfortunately, after very careful consideration (my tail stinks way too much), I have decided against going into town for food. Guess I’m going back to foraging for berries and nuts and whatnot.

As Stencha finished writing the draft in her journal, she heard shuffling from outside the cave which caused her to jump. Somehow, two of the world’s locals have found her.

“Pew-WEEE!!! What in the world is that stink!?” One of the ponies cried out as she put a nose plug over her nose.

“I think we found our friendship problem,” The other pony said covering her muzzle with her hoof.

“Hello? Is anypony in there?” The second pony asked as Stencha looked out to the entrance of the cave to see the two ponies' silhouettes. One of the ponies, the one with the noseplug, was a little pink pony with a matching poofy mane while the other pony without it was a little white unicorn with a luscious indigo mane. They saw the desperate look on Stencha’s face when she saw them. She wanted to ask them for help, but she had no idea if she could trust them, or if they’d even say yes.

“Are you lost? How long have you been in this cave? Do you need any help with anything?” The unicorn asked. The two ponies, while obviously repulsed by the stink, pushed through to make sure Stencha was okay even though they had no idea who she was. After looking up and seeing the unicorn stretch out her hoof to help Stencha up, it’s clear she was in safe hands now.

UPDATE TO LOG: I have been saved by two kind and generous souls who gladly took me to their home in town. The ponies call themselves “Pinkie Pie” and “Rarity”, and were more than willing to help clean the stink up off of me and make sure none of the other ponies thought I stunk too much (Pinkie Pie did this crazy thing where she held onto the stink fumes on my tail like a balloon to make sure no one caught a whiff). I have and almost will always be self-conscious about my stink, so I always make sure to use it as a last resort. And considering my connection to the Force and my Dad’s lightsaber, I hope I never will have to.

Speaking of which, while I was cleaning myself up (They almost fell for the tomato juice myth before I was able to stop them), they noticed my Dad’s saber and asked about it. I didn’t want to tell them too much in case they were to snitch on me or something, but I did tell them it belonged to my dad, who sacrificed himself to save me. And I said I wanted to honor his sacrifice by training to become a Jedi. Though I thought I was in for it when I said the word “Jedi”. Their eyes and ears perked up in shock the moment I said I wished to be one. I thought they were gonna screw me over or something.

Thankfully, though, it was the exact opposite outcome. Rarity said that one of her best friends recently revealed herself as a Jedi and is willing to tell her about me, as well as let me live in her boutique. I simply need to find a way to pay her back for her generosity. Maybe if I asked for a job in her boutique? She looks like she could use a helping hand…er, hoof, I guess.

I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Anyway, I guess I’m living in the Carousel Boutique now, and I’m expected to meet my new Master in the coming days.

This is it. I’m finally gonna be a Jedi.

I won’t let you down, Dad. I promise!

[brain-rot-queen]

Muggy Summers, by Grace Dulin

My twin brother, Bobby, and I had always been close. Mother always used the example of the time that we decided to run for president. We ran on a game changing platform of switching from paper money to acorns, in order to make us and our theoretical squirrel army rich beyond belief. We always thought we were comedians.

It was a balancing act. I was the pragmatic one, blunt and constantly stressed. Bobby was the charm. He made things happen with persuasion and a hint of mischief. We were not to be trifled with. If we set our minds to something, nothing could stop us.

Likely the only thing that stopped us from complete world domination was the third element of our dynamic, our friend Richard “Dick” Klonowski.

Dick was an idiot. To be clear, he was one of the smartest people I have ever met. He was an idiot because he didn’t have a shred of survival instinct. The unluckiest man I have ever met, Dick, never missed an opportunity at a near death experience. If someone was going to fall, get lost, or nearly end up in a fight, it was inevitably going to be him. He had a big mouth and a minimal understanding of social cues. He never looked where he was going, his head clogged up by thoughts on a thousand different topics. His combination of anxiety and bullheadedness probably simultaneously kept us out of trouble and got us roped into different strands of idiocy. Constantly in some argument with his father, a local minister and an almost impressively conservative man. His parents were convinced that I was a seductress, leading their son to hell.

We were inseparable until we graduated from high school. Usually, I would have gone to the lake with my brother to ease the suffocating heat of Tennessee summers. He would take me, Dick, and whatever girlfriend he had at the time to the lake. We would spend the day acting like fools, pretending that our problems had vanished. Dick and I could have gone by ourselves, but it just would not have been the same without Bobby. Bobby was the one that forced us to relax and escape the stress of school and work and our impending futures.

We made a pact after graduation. We wanted to become “real people” as we put it. Dick and I were going out of state for school at different colleges, and Bobby was taking a gap year and becoming the caretaker for our town’s gardens. I wanted to see what the world was like outside of our small town in southern Appalachia. Dick wanted to make something of himself outside of the judgment of his parents. Bobby needed to feel like he was prepared to be an independent, adult human before starting college.

 Coming home for fall break felt weird. I knew things would be different, but more had changed than I had expected. So many of my friends and former classmates had been drafted while I was away. There were still plenty of adolescents running around, but the absences were felt in everything we did. Pondering the nature of fate and war and loss, was not how I had wanted to spend Thanksgiving break. Needless to say, nobody felt particularly thankful that year.

The war made my mother anxious. The feeling spread and permeated the house. All she could think about was how her own brother, my uncle Steve, never came back from being stationed in the Pacific. Every time a new round of drafts came out, we waited with bated breath to see if one of my brothers or cousins would be taken from us. He had acted like he wasn’t scared, but I had never seen him more terrified. We had always been honest with each other, and I knew he was trying to hide his anxiety from me. The day I got back for Thanksgiving, he finally broke.

“Jo, I can’t do this. There are so many things I want to do. I just feel helpless. I am watching guys we have known since birth go off to die, and there is nothing I can do for them.” He sobbed.

It killed me to watch him this upset, battling a combination of dread and survivor’s guilt. He didn’t want to go, but he felt like he was he didn’t deserve to go free. I knew it was harder for him. He was still here. I was off at school. He was the one that actually had to wish our childhood friends off to war to possibly never be seen again while I would get the update a month later in a letter.

I felt a guilt of my own too. Our parents didn’t have the money to send both of us to school. We had never talked about it outright, but he constantly encouraged me to leave our hometown for school. He always said the plan was, “you do the work and get the degree and the big-league job and THEN you bring me with you as the personality hire.” It wasn’t that he wasn’t also smart, but he knew that if our parents were in charge of picking who could afford to go to school, they would pick their son. He made the choice for them. It left him open to being drafted. He literally put his life on the line for my education. I thought about it all the time. I hoped that he didn’t regret his choice.

He had become less social, more tense. I told him he reminded me of mother. He almost killed me.

“Whatever happens happens. You need to keep living. You don’t deserve to have your life derailed by the world crashing around you. You can’t help anyone but yourself. You will be okay. You making it through all of this is the most important thing.” I told him.

I still don’t know who I was trying to convince more, him or me. I wanted to believe that nothing would happen to Bobby, my oldest and best friend, again, so I was forcing it into existence.

I went back to school and Bobby just continued to go to work every day, tending to the town gardens with Janice. They had become close. They had somehow managed to not date yet, which had always seemed to be the inevitable conclusion to Bobby’s female friendships. I vaguely knew of Janice from high school. She had been the captain of some sports team. We hadn’t talked much. She had convinced Bobby to get out more and join a baseball team. She seemed good for him. I was happy he had someone there.

He brought me with him one day, while I was in town for break. He showed me his favorite plants and how they were taking care of them through the winter.

He also introduced me to Janice, “This is my twin sister, Josephine. I don’t know if y’all remember each other from high school.”

“Yeah. Jo, you wrote for the paper, right?” Her voice was deep but sweet.

I was immediately engulfed in embarrassment. Nobody ever read the newspaper, so I just wrote whatever I wanted. The idea of somebody remembering for that horrified me.

We made small talk for a bit. I eventually babbling about random plant facts. Unfortunately, I know very few actual plant facts.

“Did y’all know that people would use flowers to send coded messages in the Victoria era?” Botany was not my strong suit, but I had an unnecessary amount of historical trivia.

“That was in a novel I am reading. I didn’t think it was real.”

I went through the garden and pointing out all the meanings that I knew. She played along, asking what specific flowers meant and trying to create a coherent message out of a bouquet. Bobby watched. His only contribution was to occasionally tease us for being geeks.

  Watching the news during that time felt like a sick joke. Journalists debating whether or not the possible death of my friends and neighbors was worth it for American foreign interests. I

had joined some student protests at school and wrote about the war for the school paper. I met a lot of great people. I did all I could to feel like I could make some small change, maybe get my brother and all the stupid, young, innocent boys like him just a bit more out of danger.

I got a reputation on campus as a bit of a liberal loudmouth, which looking back was kind of deserved. There was a lot of crossover between anti-war groups and other justices movements on campus and in the community. My world expanded through that work. I had never realized how alien I felt in Tennessee until I met people that just instinctively got it. It felt like I could take my first full breath in years.

Sometimes I would accidentally slip up in a way that made my east Tennessee upbringing very apparent, whether it was using the phrase “War Between the States” or asking a lesbian “But like how does it even work with like two girls?” Her response of “Want me to show you?” left me confusingly flustered but did the job of shutting me up.

I did not look forward to going home for the summer. The only thing I was looking forward to was seeing Dick and my family. I knew Bobby wouldn’t be home most of the time, as he had taken a second job as a youth baseball coach in the county over.

I spent most of the summer in an odd somber mental hole. Dick, and I would sit in the park and talk about the meaning of life or sit in his basement and listen to music without saying a word. We played David Bowie as loud as we could without his parents hearing. They would have flipped out. They were convinced that satanic messages were hidden is basically any pop or rock song. We spent a lot of the summer high, a new venture for both of us. It was probably the only way we would have made it through the summer sane.

We compared notes from the year. He told me about his year at art school, and I shared about the school paper, the women’s group I joined, and the disco they dragged me to that I actually really liked. There was an unspoken acknowledgement between us that we had had both grown in similar but hard to verbalize ways over the last year

  It was late June when the crash happened.

Bobby had been driving home from coaching.

He got hit by some drunk 19-year-old.

He spent several days in the hospital. All the worry of the past year was nothing in comparison to the palpable stress that permeated the house during that time. When he came home from the hospital, I had thought that both him and the rest of the family would bounce back. That was not the case. Janice had come over a few times to visit him. Her presence was soft and quiet. Her visits helped to calm all of us.

Bobby was different. He didn’t want to talk much anymore, but he didn’t want to be alone either. He would wake up screaming. Nobody acknowledged it. We all knew that Bobby needed to be taken care of, and that was simply the new unspoken understanding of our family.

The reality of a young death had been in his face, but that was for the men that were sent off to war. I don’t think that it had hit him yet that a young death could reach him even here at home. That was the best explanation for his transformation that I had at the time. Looking back, Bobby was probably dealing with a depressive episode. I didn’t have the knowledge though at the time to help him.

He wanted to go back to the gardens, so I went with him. I sat with them as he and Janice quietly tended to flowerbeds and bushes. Slowly, Bobby started to pick up some of his old habits, his jokes and his charm. He also began to confide in me and Janice about how he was doing.

I learned about Janice too. Her older brother had been drafted in one of the early rounds. They hadn’t heard from him in years but had never gotten an official word about his death. She wanted to be a research biologist. Her parents were from Kiev but had moved to Tennessee to work at the Oak Ridge Nuclear facilities after the war. She spoke Russian. She would occasionally try to teach us bit and phrases. We would poke fun of her when her thick southern accent would poke through in the harsh Slavic words.

“I want to help people.” She said in her soft, country voice. “There is still so much we don’t know about the world. Science should be used for good and for beauty.” She had such a hope in her voice as she talked her goals. She would always tell us her version of the story of how Mendel discovered the concept of genetics. I had heard her tell it probably thirty time by the end of the summer. She somehow incorporated love, betrayal, and murder. It made it much more compelling but didn’t quite match how I remembered it from school.

I wasn’t much help to them in the garden, but I pitched in with my pep and gumption. The gardens were peaceful. It wasn’t quite the same feeling as going to the lake in years past, but it too felt like a location out of time. It was insulated from the outside world. We could be vulnerable without it crushing us. Nothing was real, and there was no problem too overwhelming that we couldn’t talk about it.

Dick began to join us on occasion, and then he too was pulled into the gravity of the garden. Janice felt like a natural addition to group. I felt peaceful for the ages. Just as things finally felt right though, the summer came to an end. I didn’t want to leave the safe little world of the gardens for the world of university and war and politics and reality. I also didn’t know how I could possibly leave Bobby again.

“I will never forgive you if you give up on becoming a ‘real person’ because of me. You gotta finish your leap, Jo. And you sure as hell aren’t gonna blame me for you coming home. The real world needs you.” Bobby was not about to let himself impact my life plans.

Dick and I went back to university. Bobby and Janice stayed in town. Bobby yet again took up a second job, this time in a walking distance at a restaurant in town. Janice went back to classes at our local college. We all kept in touch over the year and met up during Christmas, but majors snowstorms and family trips made it hard for any real time together.

  My second summer home from college, the four of us met up in one of the gardens to give a summary and debrief of the school year. We called and wrote to each other, but there is only so much you can say on the phone. Janice and I had taken up including pressed flowers messages in our letters. It added a level of competition and mystery. When she failed a chemistry exam, I sent her a pink Petunia “do not despair.” When I complained to her at lack of romantic prospects, she sent me sarcastic condolences and a neatly pressed clipping of Bachelor's Button “hope in celibacy.”

Close female friendships were new territory to me. It had always just been Dick and Bobby, lovely souls but not quite feminine presences in my life. My friends made fun of me that I anticipated her letter like they were coming from a lover on the front lines. A few had made bets about whether “Janice” was a cover for a secret boyfriend. I didn’t know how to explain that it was just nice to have a female friend that shared interests and the context of our hometown. Her and Bobby came to visit me over fall break which at least convinced everyone that she was a real person. Seeing them intersect with the world I had made at school felt so odd. I took them to the disco and all the spots that I hung out at around the city. I got a kick out of watching Bobby very awkwardly interact with a drag queen at a bar that I brought them to with my friends. Bobby tried his best, but Janice was fully bought in. After that, Janice and I became extremely close.

I had been so caught up in academics and organizing anti-war and women’s rights events that I had relatively few social or life updates to share. I had tried to go on a couple of dates, but none of the guys my roommates set me up with were of any interest to me, no matter how hard I tried. They promised I would click with a guy eventually, but I needed to be less picky.

“Basically, nothing of interest has happened to me, and I may be unlovable.” I told the group as my life update, ready to get off the subject of my failure of a love life.

“Same here,” Dick said in a wildly unconvincing manner.

“I know you are lying, Richard.” Bobby used Dick’s proper name and his most authoritative voice. I knew from experience that with enough coaxing we could get the information out of him.

“If I am being honest, I don’t know if y’all can handle a proper update.” His tone had shifted. He was being serious. Neither of us ever did anything interesting. Despite my gut instinct being worried, my interest was piqued. I had to know what happened now.

“Richard Alexander Klonowski, tell me right now. You do not get to be mysterious after I poured my heart out to you.” I complained.

Janice shot me a look. “You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, Dick.”

Bobby backed Janice up, “Yeah. Unless the update is that you committed arson, I think that I can safely say that we could handle it. Take your time though. We got all summer, buddy.”

We gave Dick an out and moved on to Janice’s year. She also had a relatively uneventful year when it came to romance. She had joined her school’s newly founded women’s softball team. Her courses were going well. Her parents were on her about trying to get out more.

We spoke for a bit more. Bobby had bought a car and was looking to go to a trade school. He claimed this put him the closest to becoming a “real person.” We tried to chat light-heartedly after Dick’s mysterious debrief, but the mood had changed. I walked home with Janice to theorize about Dick. I did not want to make him uncomfortable, but I was intrigued by the mystery. My gut instinct was that he had gotten himself involved in the mafia. On the other hand, that was almost always my first guess. Janice had her own theory.

She had noticed certain changes to his mannerisms. She was more observant than I despite my analytical nature. Dick had a certain timidness to him now, something I had also noticed that night. I couldn’t stop myself from replaying the conversation in my mind, the way his eyes glazed over just a little bit, and the small croak in his voice as he began to speak but seemed to lose his words as soon as he opened his mouth. On the other hand, he seemed more relaxed. Dick was a historically deeply anxious and stressed person, but he walked now with a lightness I had never seen from him. Something had definitely happened at school to make happier but more guarded.

“Detective Jo, I think we are missing the obvious. Could it possibly be a potential love interest?” Janice proposed in her best attempt at a noir investigator impression.

“But why wouldn't he want to tell us, Officer Janice?” I wondered, playing into the bit.

“That is just the mystery we need to uncover.”

We made it our mission to unpack the case.

I practically corned him the next evening as I “conveniently” ended up on the same evening stroll that he would take to clear his head.

“Funny seeing you here.” Dick mocked.

“Such a coincidence!” I gleamed in my most convincing voice, try to sound casual and uninterested.

“But seriously Jo, what do you want?”

“Okay, full disclosure, I may have known that you would be here, and come to chat with you.”

“A truly shocking confession,” Dick teased.

“I just want to know about your big update so badly, butyoudon'thavetotellmeifyou dontwanttto” I said anxiously, my words running together.

Dick inhaled a shaky breath.

“Okay, but we have to go somewhere more private.”

           We walked to the garden. Nobody would be here at this hour, not even Bobby and Janice. He sat me down. The somber nature of our silent walk created a pit in my stomach. I felt like I was about to open a can of worms that I might not be able to close.

“I met someone. On my first day of classes I was so nervous I nearly threw up. I contemplated skipping my first class the night before. I just couldn’t quiet my mind. I was thinking about you, and Bobby, and how everything had changed. I blinked and my childhood was gone before my eyes. There would be no more goofing off together in the ungodly humid summers. You and Bobby were gone, and I was alone, and I didn’t really know who I was without our collective unit. After sleeping a solid three hours, I was too tired to debate with myself and just ended up going to class. I arrived just as class started of course and was able to snag the last empty seat in the huge lecture hall. That's when I saw Alex sitting next to me. I looked up and was met with the most beautiful green eyes and the sweetest smile. We got along instantly. Alex reminded me of that feeling of carefree, easy peacefulness, and I couldn’t bear to lose that. I guess the feeling was mutual, because we started dating a few weeks into the school year.” His eyes lit up as he told me the story. The timidness from the night before vanished as he went on about Alex and their exploits together.

“I’m so happy for you Dick, she sounds amazing!” I was so happy for him. I could tell that he was still holding something back.

“Erm, yeah Jo, about that…..”

I had never seen Dick so nervous. He was usually so bullheaded and straight forward. He rarely thought about consequences, let alone stressed about them.

“Richard, you know you can tell me anything.” In that moment, he genuinely could have told me that he killed a man, and I would have supported him.

“Alex is not a girl.”

A lot of things clicked in that moment. Nineteen years of signs and late-night conversations all suddenly made more sense. I had expected the worst. I had expected secret pregnancy and elopement.

After that brief moment of realization and relief the weight of what he had just told me sunk in fully. Dick’s parents were some of the most religious people I had ever met. The fact that Dick was not locked away at some Christian school in rural Tennessee was only a testament to his academics and will power.

“Please know that I am always here for you.” It was the only thing I could think to say in that moment.

“I was going to tell y’all. I just… I just chickened out at the last minute.” He admitted.

I reassured him that who and when he told people was up to him. I would never share that without his blessing, not even to Bobby or Janice. I had a lot of homosexual friends through the paper and organizing at school, and they had to deal with a lot of bullshit for it. It would be especially bad in our small and pretty conservative town. I did not wish that for Dick. He deserved respect and privacy, and if word got out, our town would turn it into the gossip of the century.

We did not go back to the garden for a bit. Dick was making his rounds trying to find the right time to personally share about his boyfriend with the others. During that time, my mind began to unpack and scrutinize years of friendship. How had I missed this about him? Despite our personality differences we had always been so alike. It had always been Bobby and Jo and Jo and Dick. Dick and Bobby were close, but it just was not same. Dick and I faced the same social ostracization and troubles with romance. That line of thinking led me toward a second level of spiraling. Why were Dick and I so alike? I started going back over every friendship and romantic interaction I had ever had. I had never been boy crazy, but I liked men, right? I started searching for examples, and it began to feel like grasping for straws. I realized that I had never particularly felt a romantic connection with a guy. I had looked for male validation. I had tried to get myself into romantic situations for the sake of something interesting happening. None of that had ever actually involved me having feelings for a man though.

I had never actually thought about this before. I had always just casually assumed I just had not met the right guy yet. Had I ever even had feelings for someone? Was I capable of love? I was about to fall into yet another spiral when an almost intrusive thought came from a back corner of my mind.

Janice.

I don’t know where it had come from. All of a sudden, though it made sense. The past year a good chunk of my thoughts had been spent on impressing her in our letters. I wanted her to think I was smart and charming. Every word she wrote I read with a fervor. I had attributed this to people pleasing, slight narcissism, and wanting more friends from home. I thought about the way that I got nervous around her and how I couldn’t help but stare sometimes. Growing up, I had very few female friends, so I had just assumed having girl friends was just like that. Once I realized this, I could stop thinking about it.

The next time we were all scheduled to hang out again, Bobby and I walked together. I knew that Dick had spoken to him. We hadn’t talked about it though. It was uncharacteristic for us, but I was too afraid to hear his thoughts after my self reflection.

“You uhh… talk to Dick at all recently?” He asked me tentatively.

“Yeah.”

“I am glad he got it off his chest. Nobody should feel like they have to hide who they are.” He gave me an inquisitive look, like he was trying to gauge my response.

I felt a wave of relief. I should have known that Bobby would be accepting. He wasn’t a judgmental guy. My anxiety had just gotten the better of me.

“Absolutely. He is still the same person he always has been. That hasn’t changed.” I told him.

When we got to the garden it was as if nothing was different. We didn’t broach the topic much, besides teasing Dick about introducing us to Alex. It was normal. It was nice.

As the evening ended, I found myself walking around the neighborhood with Janice. It was a warm summer evening. Crickets were buzzing. I was sleepy in the giggly way that makes you think everything is funny. It was one of those moments that you memorize in your brain to save for later.

“Janice?”

“Yeah, Jo?”

“Would you mind helping me plant some Chrysanthemum in the garden some time? Just the two of us?”

“I love you.”

A beat of silence.

“I would do anything for you, Jo. Maybe Garden Daisies instead.”

“I share your feelings.”

Another beat.

My heart was pounding.

I don’t know what possessed me, but my hand slowly drifted to hers.

She took it. Tightly.

I did not exactly know what this moment meant, but I could feel that it changed something. I felt different. We were different. I felt like I was maybe a step closer to being a real person.

[knwsoft]

my damnation | psh

— member. park sunghoon

— genre(s). fluff, angst, suggestive, alternative universe!au, vampire!au

— warnings. blood, violence, mention of death, kidnapping, suggestive content

— words. 17,8k

— summary. if judgement awaits you two at death, perhaps you will both have a lot to repent for. but, you’ll deal with that when it comes. for you, damnation was being without him.

— parts. one

— a/n. this actually used to be an old fic i planned for other boy group in my other blog. but losing idea and motivation made me unpublish it for good. now, after months sitting in my draft without any further plan on finishing it, this fic has finally sees the light again with some revision. this fic is also inspired by an old game i used to play, so some of you might find it familiar. please note that this fic hasn't been proofread yet, therefore if you find any grammatical errors or typos, please inform me.

i.

You always hate the summer for some reasons, since it either means the weather becomes hotter than you can handle or more assignments from college to finish. Overall, summer sucked. However, just for today you might reconsider it for once. Special thanks to the history project that allowed you to run away from other stressful assignments that might have locked you up all summer in your dorm—that's right, you didn't go back to your hometown for this summer break.

After taking a 2 hours trip by Uber, you have finally arrived at The Musee Pavillion, the well known museum for its historic background and building in the town. You couldn't stop looking at the grand museum beauty in awe —sparkling in dappled light reflected from the calm river around it—as you took pictures around for documentation. It was breathtaking.

No wonder many people recommend this museum as one of the tourist attractions you must go to in Warlington.

Going around the museum, you’re looking around for a while and accidentally clash with a person. After apologising and smiling to each other, you continue to one of your main highlights - rent a historical dress. It somehow looks much prettier than what you imagined.

“Um… excuse me,” A sudden clear voice makes you turn your direction towards the source, realising that a gentleman in a tuxedo stands next to you. From the language he used and the accent, you know he is a local. He somewhat gives an aura of a noble within a picture though the clothes he wears aren't in accordance with the place. “I think you dropped this earlier.”

Then the man uncurls his hand, showing a familiar [colour] hairpin. You touch your hair and find your hairpin indeed missing.

“I knew it. This hairpin belongs to you.”

“Oh, when did I lose it…?”

“I believe it was when that woman bumped into you.” He smiles before adding, “I happened to spot it as it fell. I was looking for a chance to return it to you.”

“Thank you very much.”

The man offers to help you wear your hairpin back, despite you feeling shy and trying to refuse, you accept it at last since the man assures her that he’s doing that to avoid the hairpin from dropping back.

When the man brings you close to your face to help you with the hairpin, you can’t help but be surprised and charmed by the man’s brown eyes. He brushes some of your hair with fingers that could have belonged to one of the graceful sculptures in the historical museum. Then you hear what the man says at your ear.

“… You have a sweet scent.”

“Thank you. I got that perfume from my hometown.” You mindlessly thanked him. Failed to catch the hidden meaning from those words.

“Oh… But I wasn’t referring to your perfume.” His voice was soft and rich, yet you couldn’t place his accent. It was like a mix of a hundred different lands.

He stepped away with a perfectly natural smile before saying his farewell. Whatever the spell you imagined yourself under is finally broken. You think of him somewhat strange, like an inhuman being from the movies you watched, especially with how fair his skin was. Though it’s impossible.

You then realize it’s only 30 minutes left before you need to visit the next exhibition.

Going in the man’s direction, you notice a big old rustic door. From the slightly open door, you can see some antique furnishings, thinking those are part of the exhibition. You’re somewhat feeling a weird attraction to the door and things behind it, and decide to have around them before leaving.

Going ahead to the far narrow hall with antiques placed inside, your feet just move forward as if invited. Before you arrive at the end of the hall, suddenly a white light hits your eyes. You shut them close as they are too dazzling. However, when you open them back, you’re somehow at an unfamiliar place.

Bedroom door on one side, windows on the other. It doesn’t look like a part of the museum you saw just now. It looks more like a private mansion that doesn’t make sense.

“What the… hell?”

You’re shocked to see that it’s night already outside while your cell phone shows it’s still 14:30.

Cooling yourself down who’s starting to get anxious, you give a light slap to both of your cheeks and go back to the door from where you came. But as you’re just turning around, everything was white. Your arms are being grabbed and caught into a shadow. You’re trying to escape but to no avail. Fingertips of someone you cannot see grab your hair and slides them into your nape.

“Quietly, submit to me.”

“Stop!”

Suddenly, you regain your consciousness, and nudge this person in the stomach and run away with all the strength you have. The anxiety is gradually getting into you again and you rush to find the door back.

You place your hand upon the cold handle and pull, but nothing happens. No matter how hard you try, the door won’t budge and—

“What are you doing there?”

Turning back your head, a tall man is standing nearby. Something about this man reminded you of your nightmare. But there wasn’t anything frightening about him.

“Uh, how do you open this door? It won’t open no matter how much strength I use.”

“No way, don’t tell me you came here through this door?”

“That’s exactly what I did. I come toward the museum behind this door, the one with many antiques.” He seems surprised before turns severe.

“Who are yo-”

Before he could finish asking, footsteps could be heard coming toward them, making you feel kinda relieved. You’re trying to raise your voice but he closes your mouth with powerful force and brings you behind a curtain on a grand scale, and glues your bodies together to hide your shadows. That sudden act makes your body stiffen.

Softly putting his hand on your shoulder, he whispers in low, “Don’t be alert. I won’t do anything for you… So, let’s keep silent for now.”

While being close together, you analyse your saviour as it illuminates by moonlight. Glossy and beautiful brown hair as if wet and well-featured look, along with large eyes that stares at you seriously.

He does not seem to be lying or else he won’t do straight-up things like this.

Nodding to him, he slowly releases his hand from your mouth. Your mind is wondering the reasons for such action. While deep in thought, he slowly murmurs that the footsteps sound has gone already.

There are so many questions you want to ask him. But, before you can open your mouth, he beats you to it first.

“Save the minor details for later, You need to leave this place before you are being found by other guys.” Gripping your hand strongly once again, you two quickly increase your pace in the corridor.

Even he says to leave…where can you go actually? What kind of things are bad if you’re being found out? You would be lying if you say that you aren’t anxious, but the heat transmitted through your connected hands somehow gives you a sense of relief.

However, the sound of the door opening could be heard, announcing the appearance of a brown haired guy with a sheepish smile. Small clicking tongue sound from your saviour reaches your ears.

“I don’t understand why there’s a girl inside this mansion. But somehow, looking at the situation, it seems like you’re trying to help her escape, right Sunghoon?”

“It’s none of your business, Jake.”

The mysterious man smoothly blocked off your exit. His eyes fastened on you with obvious fascination.

“Such a waste, then. She looks delicious tho!” Jake's eyes now full of glee as he approaches you and seems like wanting to make fun of you. He seizes your face. “I don’t know about anyone else, but this kind of grim face looks cute too, right?”

Sunghoon, the name of your saviour who you just learned, immediately put you behind him protectively.

“I have an idea! Why don’t you invite her to the dinner party? It’s just around the corner.” Jake happily suggests.

“That’s not for you to decide as you please.”

Feeling more confused with the terms like 'mansion' and 'dinner party' being thrown off to you, suddenly a girl with a maid appearance walks towards all of you.

“It’s time for the assembly, please go to the dining hall.”

Looking at you, she adds “Of course, you too.”

At first, you hesitate and want to refuse, but the maid tells you the owner of the mansion is waiting to meet you and you must have lots of questions to ask yourself. Plus, you enter here without permission. You walk ahead and come downstairs with the others following behind, and someone unexpectedly awaits them down there, shocking you.

“You are…!”

Looking ahead after going downstairs is a familiar brown-eyed man who you meet at the museum.

The moment your eyes meet, he smiles at you.

“Oh, Heeseung hyung, you know her?” Jake asks.

“We happened to meet this morning.” After Heeseung clarifies he remembers you, you feel so glad as he might be the mansion’s owner and could lead you to the way out. Before you could ask further, someone interrupts you.

“She told me she came in through the door you used…did you bring her along?” Sunghoon asks.

“No no, I could swear it’s not me who brought her in. I'm even surprised by her presence here.”

Listening to those unknown exchanges, you feel even more uncomfortable. You tried to ask him to tell you how to go back, but he could only give you a troubled smile. He invites you to the dinner party, and promises to explain everything after it’s done to avoid your further confusion.

As you arrive at the dining hall, the maid opens up the door for all of you. Warmly lit with chandeliers and candlebars. High-backed wooden chairs framing the massive table. A man was already seated there, raising his head noticing your arrival.

“Guest?”

He got the briefest look at me before returning to the table in front of him. He spoke, but you weren’t sure if it was to you, as he wouldn’t meet your eyes.

“Whoever you are, have you considered sitting down? There’s a queue behind you waiting to get in.” He seems to not care and tells you to take seats already, as it’s troublesome to do nothing.

“Jay, you do care!” tease Jake.

To rebuke further argument, Heeseung claps his hand and smiles towards all of the people who've been attending, asking for a toast. After the champagne toast and dishes are brought one by one, you still could not bring yourself to eat. Too many thoughts in your mind. You then indulge yourself with all delicious dishes, you feel the tense out from your shoulder a bit, and less wary.

It should be at quarter past three, and you should be at The Musee Pavillion now. But it’s nighttime and you’re seated at dinner. You couldn’t solve the puzzle right now, so you turn your head to your companions.

As Heeseung is glad you’re liking them, he greets the whole room, leading everyone’s gaze to him.

‘Who are all these men?’

“Since we have this opportunity, how about we introduced ourselves to the young lady?” Just like reading your mind, Heesung smiles as he introduces himself first followed by the others. “My name is Lee Heeseung. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“The pleasure’s all mine.” You stiffen, realising belatedly you could’ve been making a better impression of yourself. “I’m… [Name].”

“That’s such a pretty name for a pretty girl.” Says the dark brown haired flirt from before, gaining your attention. Don't forget to wink at you. “The name is Jake Sim and you don't need to be formal with me, just Jake is fine as long as I get to call you [Name].”

“I think that’s enough, Jake. You make her uncomfortable,” warns Heeseung.

You look to the next in line. Sitting to the right of Heeseung is Jay. You haven’t met Jay’s eyes for a moment before he looks away from you again. ‘What? Does he hate me or something?’

“… I’m Jay, Jay Park.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“I believe that leave you.” Heeseung’s voice arrests your fantasies.

Only one man left.

Your saviour.

He wanted you to get out of this place, and promised to answer your questions as soon as you two were gone. For some reason, you’d instantly trusted him, more than anyone else. He looks at you with those eyes that hide nothing and says, “Sunghoon. Park Sunghoon.”

After the dinner party ends without you still not knowing and understanding anything, you go to Heeseung’s room to seek explanations. You ask him ways to return since the door does not budge at all, is there switches or keys needed to open. However, his answers kinda disappoint you

“The door isn’t locked. Opening it is easy, however, it only opens under very specific conditions.”

“What’s the condition?”

“The specifics are difficult to explain.” Heeseung gets up from his chair and stops in front of an oversized hourglass. The top half is full of sand. “It will open when all the sand in this hourglass has fallen. It’s quite precise, and I rely on its timing myself.”

“I see. Approximately how long does that hourglass run for?”

“It takes a month, on average,” he says calmly. ‘A month!? On average?’

“We're still in Warlington, right?” If you are still in Warlington, that means there’s no need to fixate on that strange door. You could just go back using the front door. You don’t know how it became night without you knowing, but you still can return to your dorm.

“We are indeed still in Warlington, but in a different world. What you see here isn't the town you know.”

Heeseung sadly smiles as he tells Miyoung, the maid, to open the curtain and let you look over the city from his window’s room. Like in the set of a movie, a carriage runs along the old street and ladies put on a dress, other than that, the city still looks the same. You even change direction over and over, still see the same view and reality gradually hits.

“No… way.”

He explains that the mansion’s door has the power to connect between two different worlds. No matter if it's him or anyone, it still takes around one month to open the door. Once it’s close, it would take around that much time to open again.

“By the way, other residents are also gathered here through that door. So, people from different times and countries, including you, are meeting each other in this mansion. ”

Trying to clear more of your head, you ask further about the mansion and real identity of the Heeseung, but he tells you to rest for tonight since you seem tired already as he prepares a room for you to stay for the month. He also promises to answer more of your questions tomorrow and would tell the other residents about your stay in the mansion.

Alone in your prepared room, you’re thinking back about all the occurrences that happen the whole day. Hoping all of these are only dreams, you’re remembering back all the men you met, still not believing much in this whole different world story. You couldn’t picture he’s lying about it and your instincts told you he was telling the truth.

Besides, what would Heeseung gain from lying to you? You’re not rich or influential. There’s no benefit to it. Then it’s all real? As real as this place is.

Exhaustion overwhelming you. You immediately fell asleep as your head hit the pillow. But then, you wake up to the soft crumple of the thick duvet, followed by the creak of the bed-frame. There is a stranger in your room.

“Who is that?”

Before you could escape, a strong force pulls you back to bed. They were on top of you, holding you down. As your body falls to the bed, strong hands pinned yours to the sheets. Your legs are trapped under theirs.

“Don’t move.”

You feel the figure’s heat close to you, body tensed as their breath is on your ear. Sharp teeth sink into your neck. It stung for only a moment. No, not even that long. What you feel can’t be described as pain. Feverish heat starts running to your nape of the neck, your vision is shaking and you feel low in power. Each warm breath billowing over your neck fills you with insatiable longing.

You groan in a voice laden with ecstasy. Does that voice even belong to you?

As you’re surprised by your sweet voice unlike yourself, your reason is slowly melting. Your sight follows a circular red stain on the white sheet.

As your consciousness fades, the figure says something.

“I want it all. Your body, your heart… and your destiny.”

You scramble out of the bed, clutching your neck. There’s no puncture wound nor pain, and there’s no one when you’re looking around the room. The dream was unusual but yet familiar, you recall the mysterious daydream you had when you first set foot in the mansion, like a warning.

What do you put yourself into?

Trying to calm yourself, you decided to take a walk at the hall for a bit. Wan moonlight streamed in through the hallway like a ghostly ribbon. It was beautiful, yet unnerving in the dead of night.

You still couldn’t believe that you are stuck here, in another version of Warlington—the town you visit for study—with four men. Even if they could have world-travelled, why would they leave their own world? Why stay here when they have a life to live? Shouldn’t they be just as eager to return as you are?

It didn’t make sense.

Looks like you need to find out the truth from Heeseung tomorrow. For now, you need to get back to your room and hopefully back to sleep.

That’s when you saw him, standing at the border of the light and shadow, looking as if he embodied both. Sunghoon stood with his back to the wall, arms folded, but not in a peaceful way. His eyes were fixed on the window as if it were the bars of an old familiar cage.

“Sunghoon?”

The moment he heard your voice, his eyes left the crescent moon and looked at you. You were suddenly overcome with a familiar sensation. Your vision shrank to pinholes.

“I want it all. Your body, your heart… and your destiny.” It was your dream. It came fresh to your mind, along with all the sensations you’d felt. You took a steadying breath, only to realise Sunghoon had left the wall and was now onto your side.

“Are you all right?” He worriedly asks which you answer with a nod. He sighs before continuing, “You shouldn’t be out and about. I heard you’re going to stay here until the door opens.”

It seemed like Heeseung had told them about it like he said he would. You confirmed what Sunghoon had heard.

“Then you’ll want to stay in your room at night. Especially if you’re going to be alone.”

“Why? Is there something here I should worry about?”

“…It’s not my place to tell you. But, please, just take the advice.”

There was a finality to his answer. Whatever the unspoken deal you’d had before, your agreement to stay here changed it. With that, you return to your room and shut the door.

Once more, you slip into the bed and find yourself surrounded by its soft sheets. Thankfully, there were no more dreams. You couldn’t have known at the time how important that night would become to you.

The next morning, not a moment after you’d freshened up, Heeseung had you seated in his supercar. He was taking you out for a tour around the unfamiliar Warlington. It took a quarter-of-an-hour to arrive in the city.

It’s a completely different view when you’re on the street. The vestiges of the past that you couldn’t find in the museum can still be seen in this world. The buildings and scenery look the same, but it holds a different vibe. The way people dressed here showed a classical and yet trendy feel. There are also not many cars on the road—Heeseung said only people with high status or money can afford it in this world.

Heeseung gives a little nod toward the driver and smiles, as indicating you two should go.

He offers you his arm and you take it, only to find yourself suddenly close to him. You were surprised, but then found it was a common thing here since the other ladies around you were being escorted the same way.

“Now that the last of your doubts have been quelled, let me welcome you again to this world.” He shows you his eye smile before continuing. “First, we need to go shopping. You’ll need a variety of things.”

“Shopping? But I don’t ha—”

He wouldn’t listen to your protest and so you shopped. He led the way, and you could go along, wide-eyed.

This tour of the city lasted until evening.

As soon the two of you arrived at the mansion, Heeseung excused himself as Miyoung appeared to help you with carrying box after box of dresses, perfumes, and more into the mansion.

In the end, you didn’t get the chance to ask your questions. But, you’ve learned something about him: his status here was high, though you don’t know what it was yet. Everything he has told you so far is true.

“Oh, isn’t it [Name]?”

That voice. You recognized him before turning around.

“Jake.”

“You remembered my name. Fantastic!” Jaemin takes an insouciant stance and grinned. “Out larking about, are we?”

“Heeseung was showing me the town.”

“How do you fancy Warlington? Still find it unbelievable?” You could only nod. Though you finally saw it yourself you still can’t believe the whole different world travel concept.

Something then caught your attention. A red stain on Jake's shirt, too dark to be just any beverage.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to stare, but I think you spilled something on your shirt.”

“Ah, that?” Jake glanced at the stain right below his collar and gave it a tug, “I suppose I did spill my beverage.”

However, it doesn't seem like a normal beverage—the colour, the consistency—that was unmistakably like… blood.

Your head was clanging like an old-fashioned alarm bell. ‘Did he just say ‘beverage’? There’s an explanation for this, there has to be.’

"W-what kind of beverage?"

“Came from that pretty neck I fed off just now, I suspect. Nothing stains like blood. A real bother to get out, too.” Jake spoke up, preternaturally seizing upon the exact moment reality was slipping through your fingers. He was talking about it as if it might have been lipstick, or wine, or coffee.

You've experienced many strange phenomena since you arrived. Haunting dreams. Visions. But, this was the most shocking thing that ever happened to you. Jake could see the colour of your face drained at the realisation.

“I see now. You didn’t know we were vampires, did you?”

“That’s… unbelievable!”

“What a load of rubbish, right? You’re a sceptic. Fair enough. But it’s all true.” Your eyes locked at his, feet frozen in place due to fear. You couldn’t run. “Do you want to know what a true vampire is like, [Name]? I’ll let in on a secret.”

“What.. do you mean by that?”

“It only takes a little bite.”

“Cease that, Jake. You’ve gone too far.” Just when Jake is about to come close, someone interposes between Jake and you like a shadow manifesting from a sudden stream light.

Sunghoon glared at Jake as he pushed you behind him. He was trying to protect you from the older man for a few months.

“Don’t give me that sour face, Hoonie! We’re just having a bit of fun.”

“We? I doubt it.” Jake put his hand on the heart, pretending to be hurt by Sunghoon's harsh words. Sunghoon sighs and turns to face you.

“This is why you shouldn’t be alone at night. Come with me.”

You are unable to let out any protest as he took your hand away from Jake. Though you don’t know if you could trust him anymore or not, it’s better than being alone with Jake after what is about to happen. Yet, looking at Sunghoon did nothing to release the knots in your stomach.

Now that you realise, Sunghoon was going to get you out of here because he knew. He knew there were vampires here. He was a part of them.

“Sunghoon.”

“What is it?”

“Let go of my hand, please.”

He did so. Immediately. You stepped away, measuring the distance from the gardens back to the mansion. Jake said they were all vampires. Did that mean Sunghoon is one of them too?

“I know what you want to ask me. Go on, ask.” In his eyes, you saw that he wanted you to know.

Daring, you take a step closer. “You’re one of them, right? You’re a vampire.”

Silence. It is strange. You couldn’t shake the feeling you’d somehow said the wrong thing.

He suddenly moves forward like a shadow, then falls upon you like the inexorable morning light. You feel his chest rise and fall, feel his breath against your face. He is breathing. Alive. But when you looked into his eyes that had been so honest with you, you saw fear. Your fear. He wants you to answer your own question.

“Look at me,” He cups your hair. Telling you, begging you, not to turn away yet. “I’m not like the others. I’m just like you. Please, stop looking at me like I’m going to bite you.”

No monster out of fiction, you thought, could stir your heart the way his voice did.

ii.

You finally found a chance to talk with Heeseung. First thing in the morning, you went to see him. He would not evade your question again. Or so you thought. He insisted on breakfast. You sat in the garden, at a table laden with sandwiches, eggs, and a plate of mandarin oranges.

“Miss, your tea.” Miyoung pours the hot tea. You thank her before taking a sip of it. Judging by the aroma and the taste, it is black tea with an infusion of milk. It tastes just like a milk tea, maybe with a little bit bitter at the after taste.

Heeseung smiles, his eyes fastening on you as you enjoy the silence and peace breakfast. But it doesn’t last for long.

“You must have many questions about this mansion and the other residents here. And there are things I must explain to you. That’s why I asked Miyoung to prepare breakfast in the garden.”

You clear your throat and put down the teacup on your hand, “Yes. Though I will only stay here for a month, I still need to know the truth. At least to protect myself.”

“What would you like to ask first?”

You have so many questions, but you know which of them is the most important.

“Is it true that all your residents are vampires?”

“What made you think that?” He asked back calmly.

“I ran into Jake after you went inside yesterday. We got talking and—”

You shuddered at the flash of yesterday's event. When Jaemin told you the secret of the residents. When he walked closer and looked at you like a meal. If it is not because of Sunghoon, you might not be able to enjoy a breakfast like this anymore.

“…Jake. How I’m not surprised anymore.” Your sudden silence made him understand where this went.

“Anyway, I’m curious, why was that alone enough to convince you? You seem so sceptical about travelling through the world and of the residence here.”

To be honest, two days ago you would’ve been more sceptical about the blood too. However, there comes a time where rationality is stretched too thin. Past that point, the fantasy must be true.

“Seeing is believing. I don’t doubt what I see with my own eyes. Moreover, I’ve experienced a number of inexplicable things since I opened that door. At this point, I’m ready to listen.”

No more scepticism. You’d decided. Whatever Heeseung or Miyoung told you now, you would accept. Experienced one near death experience was enough for you.

“Let’s start from the beginning.”

Apparently, you’re the only person that comes here through that door. The moment the other residents woke up, they were already here—it was his doing. Everyone who Heeesung brought here has agreed to a certain condition of his, and it was a taste of eternity. They all were human until they arrived at this mansion, died with regrets, or left with something unfinished.

They were offered a second chance. They might have died in their world, but they are alive here. As a vampire.

“Onto my next question: Are you two vampires as well?”

“Miyoung is the only human other than you in this mansion. We met while abroad and invited her to stay,” said Heeseung.

“Rest assured. I’ve never once died.”

“How about you?” The man only smiled, purposely leaving that question unanswered. One flash of those red eyes and you found yourself unable to press him further.

He said Miyoung is the only other human. But, that’s not right, is it? The words Sunghoon said last night ringing inside your head. You thought he was telling you he was human. Were you wrong?

“What about Sunghoon?” Heeseung frowned. Your question made him pause.

“He’s… an exception. I did not offer him any contract; I have no memory of inviting him here at all.”

“That means he shouldn't be alive in this world, right? How did he get here?”

“He simply arrived one day, out of the blue. In fact, it shouldn’t be possible that he’s here with all of us. It surprised the rest of us. He doesn’t know why he is alive again and he’s incomplete.”

Incomplete—physically trapped between human and vampire. A demi-vampire. That explains why he said he was like you. He must see himself more like a human than a vampire.

“That’s enough!” You turned, hearing that familiar deep voice. “Who said you could talk about me behind my back?”

Heeseung calmly looks at Sunghoon as the demi-vampire walks toward the table, glares at the pureblood vampire across you with hate.

“She was going to learn the truth eventually. You could say I saved you the trouble. Unless… you were attempting to hide the information from her for some reason?”

“Stop insinuating when you know I wasn’t.” Sunghoon sighs as he turns away from Heeseung to you. “Glad you took my advice about not being alone.”

Not after what happened last night. Nope, you’re not going to get yourself in that situation anymore. Something about that cocky smile on Sunghoon's face just now irked you.

“Sunghoon, I have a proposal.”

“… I’m not gonna like this.” Sunghoon frowned even before Heeseung said his request.

After the breakfast with Heeseung finished, you follow right behind Sunghoon back to the mansion. Your newly appointed guardian had been silent since he accepted Heeseung's proposal. He was fast, but his black tuxedo stood in stark contrast to the green garden verge.

“Wait, Sunghoon!” You run toward him as Sunghoon halts. He waits while you catch your breath. A jog shouldn’t have winded you. But with the long feet he has, you really had to chase him down. “There’s something that I wanted to tell you.”

“What’s it?”

“First, I needed to say thank you. Second, I’ll try my best to not be a chore for you. I’d like us to get along.”

You automatically bow. But you realised it wouldn’t mean much to him. Will a handshake do? You thrust out your hand.

“Lift your head.” You raise your eyes to his brown undeniably human eyes. Sunghoon accepts your hand—not to shake it, but kiss it, like the gentleman in those movies. It was a slow, purposely action. “Since I’ve accepted the job, I swear to protect you. So, make sure you don’t get into trouble, chore.”

“You indeed think of me as a chore!?”

“You’re welcome to prove me wrong.” He grins and begins to walk off.

You don’t like that imperious attitude, earned or not. And yet, you couldn’t forget the gentlemanly kiss he’d placed on your hand. Your hand still tingles from the touch of his lips. Lips that then curved into a confident smile.

Why do you find him so frustrating?

On the other hand, Sunghoon couldn’t help but find you quite amusing. It’s been a while since the last time he met someone as interesting as you. A clap suddenly interrupted Sunghoon's though, making him stops and turns to the culprit.

“What a good show back there.”

Jake don’t stop clapping until Heeseung glares at him. “What do you want now?”

“‘First, I needed to say thank you. Second, I’ll try my best to not be a chore for you’. She’s good. Nice and sweet to the point I just want to sink my fangs right into her!”

“Try it and lose them,” warns Sunghoon.

However, Jake being Jake, he ignores the warning and still playfully teases the demi-vampire.

“Anger doesn't look great on your face, you know. Say Hoonie, you never answer me why were you trying to help [Name] at that night? She was a stranger to you and thought it would be more fun if we fed on her.” Jake’s eyes sparkled; he was enjoying his little game.

Sunghoon pulls Jake’s collar shirt and grips it tightly. If he was angry before, he is furious now.

“It was to keep her away from you. Satisfied?”

“Looks like the lion is waking up~”

“…You can’t stop turning everything into one of your little games, can you?”

Sunghoon shoves him away before he walks away. Jake touches his lips in thought. You’re defenceless, and Sunghoon has a history of learning how to protect the defenceless. But is it really the reason? He couldn’t help but think Sunghoon must be wanting to set you free because you’re human, in terms of himself.

iii.

You had finally come to terms with this mansion and its supernatural residents. Though you are Heeseung's guest, you persistently want to assist Miyoung in her duties. At least, it is the only thing you could do besides doing nothing for a month and maybe paying back for Heeseung's hospitality, you thought.

Miyoung has told you a few things that you need to know about the residents, in case you happen to face them under some circumstance.

Though vampires appear human, physiologically, they are different creatures with their own needs and aversions. Garlic and holy objects didn’t have any effects on them. They’re just sensitive to sunlight; they can stay under the sunlight but not for a long time. They also take nourishment from blood and they have extended life spans.

She also presented you with a cart with two decanters; one was filled with what looked like a white wine called ‘Blanc’ that served as a blood substitute, the other contained an opaque red liquid which is real blood. These are only consumed when they’re starting to feel thirsty, better than having to drink blood straight from the body.

Your first task of the day was to wake Sunghoon who’d miss breakfast. You raise your hand to knock on the door but hesitate. Miyoung had warned you, there is a time when the demi-vampire can’t be woken up by a mere knock on the door. If he doesn’t answer after the third knock, you can just enter his room and wake him up.

You knocked once, in case you’d got the wrong door before knocking it twice more. Hearing no response, you opened it.

Surprised was written on your face as you saw Sunghoon's room. It was impeccably clean, and though he had shelves of books and papers, everything was put away properly. The demi-vampire himself was found still sleeping on the table in an uncomfortable position. He must have fallen asleep while reading.

“Sunghoon? Sunghoon!” He’s not even stirring. You try to call his name again, this time while shaking his body.

“Mm… mmm?” You could tell he sensed daylight because he scrunched his eyes harder. You shake him again, but this time with more gentleness. “Hey, wake up!”

“What is it?” He blinked at you. “Oh, morning [Name].”

“Morning? It’s already noon! A few more hours and I’d be saying good evening," scold you. "Anyway, doesn’t your back hurt from sleeping like that?”

“[Name]…” He shushed you and raised up just enough to curl his arm around the back of your head. “… Seals that mouth of you.”

Sunghoon pulls you with surprising strength and kisses you. You push at his chest, but you might as well have push on a wall. His lips locked onto yours. It quite shocked you. Just as you’d had enough— he let you go.

“You… you…” You touched your lips, and they were warm. Nowhere near the temperature of your rage.

Sunghoon has stolen your first kiss!

“What are you doing here?” Sobered up, he asks you casually before gazes at you, mystified. “You look feverish.”

“I’m certainly sick of you. How can you-! Urgh, just get up already.”

Still boiling over, you march out of his room. Leaving the demi-vampire confused, “What’s her problem, huh?”

The rest of the day, you busied yourself with work. You went to wash the dishes, then did the laundry. When even that wasn’t enough to work out your anger, you spent your time in the library where a whole forest of books to dust. This should keep you busy for a week. Just four week of this and you’re home!

“You’re trying to kill those books or clean them?”

You recognize the speaker, who was sitting on the floor though there were couches and chairs nearby. He is no other than Jay, one of the residents that almost rarely interacted with you but always spent his time bricking with Sunghoon.

“I might have been imagining the books as a certain someone. I’m sorry to disturb you.”

“You’re not disturbing me. What happened?” Jay asks. “It’s not that important.”

“Right. However, it looks to me like you want to talk about it.”

Something about his eyes makes it feels like he already knows everything that’s wrong. If that was the case. then what was the harm in telling him, right? You ended up telling him everything, everything that makes you mad, including the incident with Sunghoon.

“I see. You ran into one of his bad habits.”

“Bad habit? You mean…”

“Yeah, he’ll kiss anyone like that in the morning. Back then, I’m the one who used to wake him up, and I often annoyed him while pretending to kiss him if he didn't wake up to the point he was not scared to kiss anyone he found annoying. So, yeah, it’s kinda my fault too.”

He laughs a little before continuing, “Everyone tried to pass the job off to someone else. Looks like it was your turn now.”

“I see…”

“Anyway, I’ll tell you something good about this place,” Jay speaks like a man excited to share the secret location of a cavern of jewels. He looks different from the quiet impression you got on the first day. “Everyone here can be a handful. So we developed this system-”

But then he smirks, eyes indicating the library door the very moment it opened. You turn around only to see Sunghoon strides up to you. He just pulls your hand, taking you away from Jay without letting you throw any protest.

Though he doesn’t say anything, his eyes tell you how badly he wants you to come with him.

Jay stands and watches as Sunghoon led you out. But, you could have sworn you heard him say, “enjoy your trip.”

Sunghoon briskly guides you out of the mansion, which reminds you of the time when you two were back in that first night. The night where he was just the brown-haired saviour that promised to help you escape.

“Get on,” Sunghoon instructs you.

You look at the horse and then back to him in confusion. You clearly don’t want to, still not understanding the situation you got into. It kinda made him frustrated. He sighs before grips your waist and hoists you up.

The next thing you knew, you were on the horse with Sunghoon, sitting in his lap. “And we’re off.”

“Huh? Wait, we’re going somewhere? Where?”

“Somewhere. Just hold on tight, this will not be a smooth road trip.”

Accompanied by the clop of steel-shod hoofbeats, Sunghoon and you left the stables to the opposite road to get to the city. You two are now racing into the countryside.

Though Sunghoon held you tight, the wind was strong to the point it seemed to cut your cheeks. You aren't safe riding like this at all. You grip his clothes for dear life, but daring yourself, you turn to face forward.

He seems to notice your fear. But fear isn’t a constant state, and without you noticing, it faded away. It was around that time that the ride ended.

“We’re here.”

Sunghoon helps you to get down. Then you follow him a few steps until you reach the top of a hill. Flowers carpeted the field below you, blooming as far as the eye could see. You couldn't help but be amazed in awe, unconsciously letting a little “wow”.

“I’m glad this could cheer you up.”

His eyes search the field, finding a spot where the flowers are thin to sit. It is like sinking into a fantasy world. The flowers are so much larger, so much more beautiful when sitting among them.

“Finally, you’re smiling,” he mutters.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” He’d been looking at you, now he looks up at the dark sky and the stars above.

“Why did you bring me here?”

It takes a moment until he finally speaks. “This morning, well…”

He still doesn’t dare to look you in the eyes. His ears turn red as he says, “I brought you here to apologise for accidentally kissing you this morning. Living with someone like Jake and Jay planted a bad habit in me. You might have heard it from Jay about it, right?”

You nod. You also have something more relevant to ask.

“Which one of them told you?”

“Miyoung did. Right after she saw what you were doing to Jake's laundry.“

You sure didn’t say anything to Miyoung, yet she found out anyway.

Wait. She had to have known about Sunghoon’s kissing tendencies when she asked you to go wake him up. But, she still asked you to do it without giving any warning.

Before you have the chance to be mad at Miyoung, Sunghoon holds up a hand and begin ticking down fingers. “Jake told me because of the laundry. Jay saw you during lunch. And Heeseung cornered me afterwards-”

“Hold on.” You cut him up. “It sounds like everyone knew. How did they all find out?”

“You can’t keep a secret in this place.”

It’s not like you’re upset that everyone knows about the kiss. Especially if Sunghoon's gotten the rest of them once already. Not being able to keep a secret around here sounds more dangerous anyway. You got a good look at his eyes and the poor man actually looked a little panicked.

Come to think of it, he is a man of few words. Action first questions later. When you first met, he’d taken your hand as if that told you everything you needed to know. What you felt for him was warm, but it most definitely wasn’t anger. Not anymore.

You are, you daresay, comfortable with the idea of being around him again. Happy, even.

“You’re forgiven. For all of it.” He smiles at the fact you forgave him. “As long as you slow down on the ride back.”

“The hardest treaty I’ve ever made.”

“Don’t make fun of me, I got horse-sick.”

“…Horse-sick?” He can't help but laugh hard. And once he started laughing, he couldn’t stop. He doesn’t know why but it had been a while since the last time he heard a word like that.

You frown at him for about one second and then laugh too.

A Park Sunghoon who sometimes sleeps all day and kisses whoever tries to wake him, who couldn’t even apologise to someone without a long horse-ride first, and who has the most delightful laugh you’ve heard in a long time. You are glad to have been able to meet him on this journey.

In a meadow stippled with wildflowers, the azure sky turned night-dark above you as Sunghoon and you keep talking. It was perhaps the first real conversation you’d had since meeting each other.

iv.

That's it. You’d completed your work for the day and couldn’t wait to get to your journal. Getting used to the environment you lived in this world, you’d started keeping more notes of your time here. Today, you had so much to write about, especially at the new discovery of Warlington you learned from Miyoung.

As you walk back to the mansion, you see Jay waiting by the door.

It’s rare to see him outside, you thought. Or anywhere, really. He was looking longingly at the driver. You knew you guys had a private driver who lived just outside the mansion—in fact, he was currently drowsing in his seat.

It looks like Jay wanted to go somewhere, but felt bad to bother the tired man.

“Jay?” Jay looks up from the man as he hears his name being called. He looks flustered.

“Huh? Oh, It’s you. Don’t startle me like that. And don’t tell anyone about it, too.” You couldn’t help but chuckle. If he hadn’t been fixated on the driver, you wouldn’t have been surprised. Who would have thought you would have a chance to see the infamous prankster Jay surprised like that.

Jay wakes up the driver and gets into the car, then asks you, “Are you done with work?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“Are you doing anything else?” He asks again.

“I was going to… Actually, no, never mind.” There is no way you would tell him about the journal. “Is there something you need?”

“Do you want to come? I’m going to see Sunghoon.” At the mention of Sunghoon's name, your eyes lit and it didn't go unnoticed by Jay. Which makes him raise his eyebrow in a teasing manner. No one in this mansion doesn’t know about how close you two were lately.

“You two are always together, so I thought, You know…”

“I will pretend to not hear the last one, but, sure. I’ll come with you.”

The car takes off at a brisk pace toward the city. While on the way to your destination, you couldn’t help but wonder. Sunghoon did disappear for a few hours every day.

You tried to ask Jay about it, but the only answer you got was a sarcastic reply.

“You’ll find out as soon as we get there.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“… Agreeing with me again. I still can’t get used to it.”

Amusingly, he smiles. Too bad the ride wasn’t long enough to figure out Jay's contrary conversational patterns. The car stopped at the entrance of a dingy alley which made you confused.

They are going to meet Sunghoon here?

As soon as you got out, you heard voices—

“Sunghoon hyung! Over here!” A child pulled Sunghoon's right hand as his other hand held the wooden sword you saw in his room before.

“Patience! I’m only one man.”

“Hyung, me next! I need some help with my stance.”

Where the alley widened, you saw Sunghoon, surrounded by children, young and old. Apparently, he spends his afternoon coming here to teach the children the basics of swordsmanship.

“Hyung!!! Look! I just mastered the technique you teach me!” A child that seemed older than most of the children there suddenly ran toward Sunghoon. The other children started to cry in protest on how it was not his turn yet.

Sunghoon looks at the child before letting out a sigh. What you didn’t expect from him is a flick on the forehead. It was not that hard, but you could see how the child’s forehead turned red.

“Nikki, that’s not exactly how I teach you to swing your sword. It will only hurt your hand before you are able to hit your enemy. And next time, wait for your turn. Understand?”

The boy named Nikki nods while pouting at Sunghoon. You’d see him stubborn, boyish, teasing, friendly. Now there was caring, with an almost paternal gentleness.

Jay looks at the eager young children with pity and sympathy as he explained to you. They were the children of the unfortunate and underprivileged. Pauper, in a word. Different from your world, they couldn’t go to school nor get any education here.

“Do you teach them something too?” You ask Jay.

“…I actually do. Since I used to be a singer, I teach them some basics. It wasn’t my idea, in case you’re curious.”

You two stand talking at the mouth of the alley when the man of the talk himself approaches.

“Jay, you’re here!” Sunghoon happily greets Jay before his eyes land at you. “And [Name]?”

“I brought her-”

“Oh, look! Jay hyung is here!!!” The children cut him off and ran to him. They drag him away from you and Sunghoon to teach them new songs.

Jay said it wasn’t his idea. But though he seems a little overwhelmed, you got the feeling he doesn’t mind. Setting in with the music, surrounded by children and their boundless, boisterous curiosity, he looked unexpectedly content.

“So, how did you end up coming here with him?”

“Jay invited me out of nowhere. Because, and I quote, you and I are ‘always together’.” Sunghoon looks at you in confusion for a second.

"Do we?"

"Well, it was your job to be my bodyguard after all."

While you two are talking, the oldest of the children who was scolded by Sunghoon before comes over. He looks at you with wide eyes. But then turned into cheeky, childish glee, before letting out an unexpected question.

“Are you two lovers?” Your breath hitch in surprise.

What was Sunghoon teaching him, exactly? How was that the first thing he asks when he meets a woman?

“You see, Nikki, we’re just-”

“Yes, we’re lovers.” You glances at Sunghoon in confusion.

He doesn't just cut you but also lie to a child. He even seems doesn’t mind your glare. He leans over to whisper to you, telling you that it was easier to lie than tell him the truth though you do not agree with him. Your heated whisper only seemed to affirm Nikki's guess about you two.

“Heh, I knew it! Mom and dad talk just like you do. Only lovers argue like that.”

“Did you hear that, sweetheart? I think so too, Nikki. But we always make up afterwards.”

You feel a chill at the nickname he used for you. He shot you a sly smile, and you wonder how he isn't bent over backwards with laughter at this point. He obviously enjoyed this too much.

Uninterested in continuing the conversation with 'your lover', you turned to Nikki. You notice the messy drawing at the handle of his wooden sword. Curiously, you point at the drawing and ask.

“What did you draw?”

“Oh, this?” Nikki looks at his wooden sword's handle before letting out an awkward smile. “This was supposed to be a gem like those in real swords. But yeah, somehow it turned out into something abstract. Just like how my other painting turned out.”

Ah, he actually has some interest in drawing.

“Anyway, shouldn’t you go to Jay? He was about to start now.” Nikki jolts in surprise as he confirms what Sunghoon just said. Without wasting any more time, he bids you goodbye and goes to Jay.

“That’s new.” You look at Sunghoon in confusion. His eyes still follow Nikki who was busy observing Jay.

What did he mean by new?

“Nikki was the oldest of the group. He is rarely willing to approach or talk to anyone besides me, Jay, and his group of friends. And usually, it takes weeks for him to be able to open up. So, seeing him talk with you comfortably like that was something new to me.”

You could only smile. Seeing how happy Nikki and the other children from a distance like this make you kinda understand how Sunghoon feels about them. They are precious and you want no other than to protect their little happiness.

Sunghoon's gentle eyes look into the distance. But whether it was the past or the future he was seeing, you couldn’t tell.

"Nikki actually reminds me of my past."

Apparently, Sungoon's childhood wasn’t the brightest like you thought, where he needed to work hard to be able to pay his own tuition and living expenses. He didn’t manage to enrol in a good school like what he was hoping for, but still, he met someone great and was able to learn more from them.

As you listen to Sunghoon, you realise that he was opening up about his past to you for the first time. He smiles painfully at the last memories he remembered about that good man as he looked at you apologetically. Before he could let out what he wanted to say, a pitiful strained-sounding plea interrupted you two for help.

“Yah! Sunghoon! A little bit… assistance, please!”

Jay is surrounded by a lot of boys and gripping on one of the wooden swords with both of his hands.

“Why is Jay holding a sword?”

“You must never let children get bored. Let’s save him before he hurts himself. Let’s go, our little school could use a third teacher.” Sunghoon grins and grabs your hand, not letting you make any protest.

And ever since that day, you started to spend your free time visiting the children. Sometimes alone, sometimes accompanied by Sunghoon. You even didn’t forget to bring the kids some snacks that you made with the help of Miyoung which they enjoyed very much.

“Noona, you come!”

“Eonnie!”

The moment you arrived with a basket of bread, their eyes always lit up as they ran toward you. You happily greet them, handing them the bread one by one. However, it didn’t take you long to notice the leftover bread. Who hadn’t gotten the bread yet?

“Nikki didn't come today.” You look up as Sunghoon answers your question. He knew you were wondering about the oldest kid.

Then the two of you found it weird. Nikki never missed any training before. He even promised you to come today to show you something cool. So, why? Why did you feel uneasy about it?

“Guys, I don’t think you would like to hear this,” You two turned your head to Jay in surprise. “But this is about Nikki.”

Jay takes you and Sunghoon to Nikki's house. It is located not far from the alley, not more than 10 minutes by run. You just had to go straight, turn left around the corner, and if you see the simplest and cosy house on your right side, that means you have arrive.

However, the boys suddenly stop on their track, looking at each other with a nod and pull you behind them protectively. You might not be able to smell it, but they clearly knew what the smell hitting their nose was.

Blood. And it wasn’t in a small quantity.

Something was wrong.

The way Jay and Sunghoon acted made you feel that something wrong must have happened inside the house.

“Is everything alright?” You ask.

“Stay behind us.”

Jay pushes the door lightly and notices that it wasn’t locked. He enters the house cautiously, followed by Sunghoon and you. The house is completely empty without any sign of a human being. A tense, palpable silence hung in the room and you looked around the room. That was a big mistake.

Right in front of you, a man was lying lifeless in his own pool of blood. You are stumbling back in shock and almost falling down had it not been for Sunghoon holding onto you quickly.

“Mr. Nishimura!” Jay's eyes widen as he runs toward the body and examines it. “His death was caused by blood loss. Someone must have attacked him with a knife since the wound around his lower back doesn’t match any weapons I know.”

“Are you alright?” Sunghoon asks as he hugs you, shielding you from the horrid sight. “You don’t look good.”

You don’t. The stench of Mr. Nishimura's blood was overpowering your olfactory senses. You could feel yourself ready to throw up any minute just from recalling it. But then, you remembered your purpose for coming here.

“Nikki! We need to find him!”

Two horses took off, like arrows released from a bow. Worry could be seen on your face as the sky grew dark as you rode around the city to search Nikki. After all, he was just a kid and it must have traumatised him.

You three stop riding and running. Run until you reach the door of an old library that you hadn’t checked yet. Sunghoon pushed them open-.

Rows of an evenly spaced bookshelf filled the floor around you. The stained-glass window looks down at you as it allows the moonlight to illuminate the dark library. In the centre of all, stood Nikki with a mysterious man dressed in black.

His small face twisted in wrath.

“Nikki!” You are about to run toward Nikki, to pull him away from a potential murderer, but Sunghoon stops you. “[Name], don’t move.”

"But, Nikki—"

“Look at his hands.”

Nikki holds something that had been almost invisible in the glimmer of the moonlight. A weapon. It is a long-bladed knife. The red eyes and dried tears on his cheek tells you that he had been crying. He was so focused on the man before him to the point he doesn’t even notice your arrival.

However, the man did. His eyes languidly moving to the open door where three of you stand.

“… Customers? I’m sorry, but the library closed earlier today. You can visit again tomorrow morning.”

“Who is-?” Nikki's innocent eyes opened wide when he saw you all, and for a moment, he was once more the child you remembered.

“Hyung… Noona…”

“Nikki, I want you to come over to us. Slowly, carefully now.”

You look at him with a smile and extend your arm to him. But it doesn’t work. He shakes his head and looks at the man again, “I won’t! This man killed my dad.”

“… I believe he’s right about the culprit. Observe his neck.”

There’s a ring of red around his neck, marks on his flesh, just like what Jay pointed out. It looked like someone had tried to strangle him.

When you three visited the murder scene, Jay found signs of a struggle, Nikki's father fought back after being stabbed. It seemed he grabbed the man’s hood and tried to choke him, in a last attempt to stop his attacker. The man even made no attempt to conceal the bruise. Moreover, the smell of Mr. Nishimura's blood could be smelt on this mysterious man's body.

Some of the blood must have splattered on his clothes.

“It was an accident.” The man muttered. “Killing him, that is. But after I stabbed him, he was just so persistent. The others—they all thought to run or play dead. But, with this one, well, I had to defend myself. You understand, surely?”

“You claim self-defence against a man you stabbed?” It makes Jay scoff in disbelief.

“Why my dad? Why did you attack him?”

“Out of the people in this city, you mean?” He titled his head, looking at Nikki as if he was faced with some impossible puzzle. “Because he was the one I happened to pass by this morning, and he cluelessly invited me to his house. That’s all.”

“That’s it?” Nikki curls his fist in anger.

“By chance, my grandfather’s family was sent to prison. ‘By chance.’ It’s a fascinating thought, isn’t it? I like to imagine having that power—only imagine. That’s why I never killed anyone. I only wanted to see how they’d look.”

What a sick bastard. The casual way he talked about hurting people makes your stomach churn.

The man giggles. A muted, broken laugh. He looks down at Nikki with a sick smile, “Killing your father gave me a lot of pleasure. I never had this much fun before.”

Sunghoon is perfectly still. None of you was moving.

The truth of his dad’s death made the knife rattle in Nikki's trembling hands. His blood completely boiled in anger and hatred toward this man. A sick bastard who found killing was fun.

Jay glances at Sunghoon, giving him a look that clearly asks him to do something about Nikki. He was afraid something bad might happen to the child. But Sunghoon just stares at the scene before you, eyes utterly unreadable.

What ishe waiting for? Why does he seem ready to watch these tragic proceedings play out?

“Are you going to let Nikki commit murder? Do something, Sunghoon! Or else, I will stop him myself.” Jay raises his voice.

“He won’t do it. He can’t do it.” Sunghoon's eyes are on Nikki.

As he spoke, Nikki clutches the knife and steps forward on trembling legs. A gut-wrecking wail issued from his tear-streaked face. He runs toward the man.

Just as you thought Nikki would stab him, he slows down and comes to a stop. His arms fall to his sides, head bows-like a puppet whose strings had been cut. And he sobs with shaking hands tightening on the knife.

Sunghoon chooses that moment to speak. “Why did you stop, Nikki? Don’t you want to kill this man?”

“… I do.”

“Very well.” Nikki walks up the floor, his heavy boots leaving an impression on it like frozen ripples upon a lake of blood. He grabs Nikki by the shoulders and pulls him away. “Step back.”

Sunghoon withdraws a baton and swiftly kicks the man, bringing pain to his knee. When the man raises his head, Sunghoon’s baton tip is at his cheek. His eyes are empty of emotion as he looks at the man, cold as the steel of his weapon. Seeing a man’s vulnerable face and nothing else.

“All it would take is a few swings from me and this man would die.”

The tip was already prodding the man’s flesh. Though this baton couldn’t kill the man on the spot, with Sunghoon's strength it was enough to make the man suffer the unbelievable pain ‘till death.

“Say the words. Say 'Kill this man’, and I will kill him.”

Who was he? Where was the man you thought you knew?

All the horror you’d held back since arriving in this world came to you at once, unbidden, when you look in Sunghoon's eyes. You couldn’t seem to breathe.

Everyone was still. Except for the demi-vampire.

“Nikki is just a child!” You want to shout, but can’t due to your horror. While Jay could only whisper a prayer under his breath.

No one seems able to stop him.

Nikki let go of the knife he’d held. It drops to the floor with a thud. He turns away. From the man. From Sunghoon. From all of you. His body started to shake.

Sunghoon looks at him and opens his mouth, “Listen to me. Do not pull a blade on someone if you have not the intention nor the will to kill them. But, if you do kill, know that you forever carry the soul of the man whose life you took.”

The man laughed a dry, high-pitched laugh.

“I can’t believe it. You’re not going to kill me! You can’t do it any more than he can. Of course, a man who’s never killed before can’t possibly bring himself to—”

“Oh, I’ve killed before. I’ve killed more than you could kill in a lifetime.”

From relieved laughter, the man’s face shifts back into terror. So does yours. The fact that he had killed someone before made you shudder more in fear.

The library’s door suddenly opens with a loud bang. A shout and a dozen footsteps of police stomping up the library steps, followed by Jake in the back. He sends you a wink before pointing at the man to the police.

Everything happened so fast. The man was arrested and Nikki was taken in as a witness. When it was all done, the group of you were once more alone.

“Jake, thank you for having the good sense to call the police.”

“It’s fine, Jay. Sorry I didn’t get here earlier.”

It was a blur to you, you didn’t move. You weren’t sure you were able to. Until a tall shadow fell over you. Sunghoon. Blocking out the moon-light.

“Sunghoon…” He notices how pale you are and worries. You feel his hand come closer; you shivered. “Don’t-”

The word leapt out of you. Sunghoon's hand hangs empty in the air. You search for something, anything else to say to him. But you couldn’t find anything. Your hands were trembling and with that he left you with Jay and Jake.

That night, you all went back safely. You didn’t try to talk or even make eye contact with Sunghoon, completely avoiding him after what you just witnessed at the library.

Everyone seems to notice the tension between you two. Because the next day, while busy mopping the floor, Miyoung suddenly stops you and calls the driver. She pushes you inside the car to do a more important task and answers none of your questions, though you heard she say something to the driver.

“Where are you sending me?”

“To master Sunghoon, obviously. He’s been walking around with an air of utter gloom since last night.” You feel a pang of guilt and sorrow. “You two better solve your problems or don’t come back at all!”

With that, the car starts to move and leaves the mansion.

Looking out the car window, you see the sky grow madder red. You know you should use this time to figure out what you want to say to him, but you couldn’t think. It isn’t long at all before the car stops in town and in a blink of an eye, you are in a familiar back alley, painted with tall shadow casted by the sunset between buildings.

Out of the darkness, there is he. Speaking softly to Nikki—too soft for you to hear the words. You got closer and heard the sound of crying. He isn't alone, of course. There is Nikki too.

Sunghoon is kneeling by a weeping Nikki, curls up small and trembling before him. Even from this distance, you could clearly see the tears running down the child's face. Nikki couldn’t stop apologising to the demi-vampire even though he didn’t do anything wrong.

“What are you apologising for?” Sunghoon asks him.

“I hated him enough to kill him, but I was a coward! I couldn’t do it. I was too scared-”

“Of course you were scared.” Sunghoon puts an arm around Nikki and holds him gently as the boy cries. “Don’t say you are a coward. You’re exactly the way you are supposed to be.”

“What do you mean?”

You stand very still so as to not miss a single one of Sunghoon's soft-spoken words.

“Killing someone is no applaudable act. And I didn’t want you to kill him. I don’t want you to ever have to kill anyone.” His voice was gentle. The tenderness with which he spoke to Nikki almost broke your heart.

But Nikki, in his grief, didn’t see Sunghoon's face like you did. He had the look of the one who’d give up so much. Too much. You recognized that expression.

“Don’t-” Outside the moment, his face when you spoke was so clear to you. His shock. “All right… Let’s return.”

It was the first time you’d heard such grief and such sad resignation in Sunghoon's voice. He expects people to fear him. That’s why he spoke so harshly in the library and why he smiled so sadly after.

The smile of a man who knows he’s seen as a villain, and who counts the second until people make him pay for imagined sins. You’d fallen into that trap, and you regretted it. So much more than you could say.

Sunghoon knew. He knew that sadness. He knew crushing, hopeless despair. Right now, he looks so completely alone.

Yesterday, you got a glimpse of the kind of man desperate despair had made of him. And if you were fortunate, you would never have to understand that feeling completely. But you never wanted him to feel it again.

The reluctance you feel melts away when you see Sunghoon's smile as he watches Nikki run towards home. He stayed like that until the child left his sight.

“Sunghoon!” You begin to walk toward him once more.

Sunghoon looked up at you slowly, as if doubting what he’d heard. “[Name]? I didn’t expect to see you.”

You take a step toward him. Another. Preparing what you would say with each step. You want to talk. You want you two to talk again. Comfortably.

However, little did you know, something that is easy to obtain will easily disappear as well.

In the blink of eyes, there were two weeks left before the door to your world could be opened. Though you are happy to know that, deep inside your heart, you feel a little bit sad. Back to your own world means you wouldn’t be able to meet the boys, Miyoung, Nikki, and Sunghoon anymore.

Something about leaving Sunghoon alone didn’t sit quite well in your heart.

It makes you not want to go back to your world. But, could you?

Everything started to go normal again that day. Your routines, your relationship with the children, and the relationship with Sunghoon. Actually, it actually went better than you thought.

There was a time when Sunghoon wanted to try to make you some food from your hometown since you two and Miyoung were the only ones that could enjoy human food. He would spend his time in the kitchen with Miyoung to prepare everything while you sat in the garden, waiting for them to finish. Because of it, Jay often would say that the demi-vampire was so whipped for you.

But you knew better than anyone that it wasn’t true. Right?

At the entrance to the garden, Jay starts at his folded hands to avoid watching the sweetly smiling and giggling couple. He only could sigh, praying for a break in the conversation to call out either of you two.

“Oh, what’s this? Is it spring already?” Jake shows right beside Jay as he looks at Sunghoon and you. “It must be. Look, love is in the air.”

“Y’know what, I’ve never felt so glad to see you here.”

Jake chuckles, “I was starting to think that you hate me right before they became close like this.”

“Don’t make me change my mind, Jake.”

v.

Lately, Sunghoon felt something strange happen to his body.

He couldn’t describe it, but he did feel more irritable than usual. And no matter how many times he ate some food, he would still feel hungry and lethargic. He found it hard for him to stay around you. But, what else could he do?

He was your bodyguard and he couldn’t trust Jake enough to leave you alone whenever the flirtatious vampire was around.

Spending most of his time with you also made him have a soft spot for you, where he couldn’t deny your request whenever you gave him those puppy eyes. And look where it took him? Nowhere else but your side.

Just like any other day, Sunghoon had taken you to the flower field you visited before to watch the sunset. You are so happy to finally be able to escape the town and the mansion for a breather. You stay there with him until the sky turns dark, watching the sun slowly disappear between the mountains.

“Hey, [Name], could I ask you for something?” You look at him in wonder before nodding. Well, as long as it was not something ridiculous, you don’t mind. “Please don’t change.”

“What do you mean by don’t change? Please be more specific, Park Sunghoon.”

He chuckles while looking at the flower field in the distance, something that he rarely did even when he was alone. “I like having dinner with you, spending time with you in this flower field, and also at how you laugh just from a little silly thing. That’s what I mean as ‘don’t change’. Please stay as who you are right now. That's all.”

“I understand. We should get back now. It's almost time for dinner and I still need to help Miyoung prepare the meal.”

There is no response from Sunghoon. He just sat there, looking at the flower field like there would be no time for this anymore.

“I’m going to go back alone and leave you here without a horse. I really will!”

“… You know you would never do that.” He finally snaps out from his trance and walks toward the horse.

He looks at you with gorgeous eyes and delightfully wide smirk. Standing up slowly, you brush the grass off your skirt and pack up your picnic.

The whole journey to the mansion was silent. A comfortable silence. Neither of you had the initiation to start a conversation until you arrived at the mansion.

You quickly bid him goodbye and left him alone at the stables, missing the pained look that he couldn’t keep in anymore. He had been hiding it for a while now, at least not showing it in front of you.

“Sunghoon? Are you okay?” Heeseung, who happened to pass by, heard the cries and went to check the stables. He doesn’t expect to see Sunghoon in this state.

“I… thirsty. It feels painful. Make it stop!”

Heeseung quickly takes out the emergency rogue he had with him and shoves it towards Sunghoon. But, being stubborn he was, he pushed the rogue away from his sight. No matter how thirsty he was, Sunghoon would never touch or even drink that.

“Drink. You will only make it more painful if you refuse.”

“No. You know clearly what will happen if I drink it.” He firmly says. “It will make me lose the last humanity I have in me.”

And that means he would lose you, too. Sunghoon doesn’t want that to happen.

“You know sooner or later you need to let her go, right?” The older vampire paused as he looked at Sunghoon. “She will-”

“I KNOW.” He shouted.

“I know that, hyung. That’s also why I can’t let her know about this. Just let me endure it a little longer, at least until she goes back safely to her world.”

“…You’re stubborn.” Heeseung could only look at his friend with a sigh. “If you keep being stubborn like this, you will lose yourself first before you are able to send her back.”

"Don't worry. It will never happen to me," assures Sunghoon.

After the little runaway you had with Sunghoon last night, somehow you started to can’t sleep well—resulting in a throbbing headache as you woke up the next morning. Something about the blur nightmare you had made you a little bit worried. It wasn’t a normal nightmare like you had before, living in this world for almost three weeks made you sure of it. It felt like a warning, though you couldn’t remember it well what it was about.

Hoping the fresh air could help your head, you grab a broom and sweep the balcony. However, despite the throbbing headache you got, you couldn’t help but wonder about a certain person.

Sunghoon. He was nowhere to be found all day. You also find him acting a little bit strange lately like he was trying to distance himself from you. Heeseung even had taken it upon himself to wake him up this morning, and went to meet the children a little bit earlier today with Jay without you.

Was it your fault? Or had you done something wrong? Your fingers tightened around the broomstick at those thoughts. Let’s hope that was not the case.

Meanwhile, on the other side, Sunghoon was putting more attention to the children’s self-defence technique to the point he didn’t notice the playful gaze from Jay. He clearly notices something was occupying his friend's thought which obviously concerned you—if not, why else the demi-vampire has been avoiding you as much as he could?

Jay waits until all the children had scamp off to play and sat beside Sunghoon who appears lost in his thoughts. He waves his hand in front of Sunghoon's face a few times before deciding to shout his name again directly in the ear.

It not only successfully snapped Sunghoon out of his thoughts but also attracted some attention from people around the alley. Embarrassed, Sunghoon bows apologetically before raising his fist to Jay.

“I still can hear you clearly, Jay.”

“Where have you been for the last dozen minutes? It’s too early in the day for your head to be lost in the stars,” Jay pauses. “Wait, not a star, but someone.”

“Stop your nonsense. I’m not thinking about her.”

“Her? I didn’t say anyone though.” It takes a few seconds until Sunghoon's ear reddened at the realisation and shoves the laughing Jay away in embarrassment.

“No, I mean— Ugh… Stop laughing!” Jay calmed down a little before meet Sunghoon's eyes. “You’re in love with [Name], aren’t you?"

To say that Sunghoon was caught off guard by Jay's question was understandable. It must be written all over his face. However, there was more. He couldn’t help but repeat the gist of his conversation with Jake a few days ago.

Love is a gift until you have to part. "So, why are you trying so hard to push her away?”

Sunghoon know where this conversation is gonna take him. Looking at the blueish sky above him, he could only sigh. “I do love her.”

In his heart, you were clever and cute. Everything about you made him able to smile, even just with a thought of your smile. He was never able to understand the way your thought works. And before he knew it, you became all he thinks about.

But, did you feel the same way? Will you still choose him when the door connected to your world opens?

“Then, don’t let her go,” Jay breathes. “Tell her you love her, then the two of you can stay here in the mansion-”

“That’s not my decision to make.”

Sunghoon knew how much you missed your old life. Asking you to not open it means you will throw away your life and… you will regret it one day. He doesn’t want you to live in regret just because of his selfishness. He couldn’t bear it.

“…You love her that much.”

“I’ve decided to not play a hand in her decision. Even if it means she chooses to leave for good. And that-” Sunghoon points his finger at Jay. “-isn’t an invitation for you to ask her to stay on my behalf.”

“You know I can’t do that to you. I know my limit to interfere with people's lives.”

Sunghoon smiles sadly. When he opened his mouth next, it was with resignation. “The most important thing to do now is to treasure the present.”

Before you arrived, he wouldn’t have cared if he became a full vampire or not. He could barely tell the difference between a full and demi-vampire, so it didn’t matter to him. Until he met you. Your arrival made him think more about what it meant to stay human.

Treating time as if it was a precious commodity: eating meals together and feeling satisfied when they were over; talking about arts and drawing together, he could only do that because he was a demi-vampire. He hasn’t yet changed. And so he began to appreciate what he still had left from his human life. He wanted to stay human for you.

Sunghoon frowns, distressed. You and he don’t have much time left.

Little that they know, at the entrance to the alley, a car parked with two men inside. They watched Sunghoon and Jay talk to each other before going to play with the children.

The eyes of a mysterious man in light brown tuxedo widen at the sight in front of him. He grips the window so hard it seems he might break it. While the other male, who looked younger than his age, watched with hand-folded like a spectator at a playhouse. “… that’s him, Sunghoon!”

“You see, I spoke the truth. Park Sunghoon still lives.”

“But… how?” The man in light brown clutches his head, his fingers digging into his dark hair, face twisted in pain. “How can he be smiling like that?”

“I fear Sunghoon’s become sanguine in spirit, not in appetite. Do you wish to see him? Or do you wish to see the man who has taken his name?”

“…How do I reach him? How do I wake him, Jungwon?”

The younger male smiles, “Shall I offer you advice? Whether you find my advice fair or foul, it is certain to help. For inciting passions in men is my stock in trade.”

Jungwon studied Sunghoon as if he were words on-page. He mimed taking a pen in hand and drawing a line through him. But no one, not even this man in light brown, knew how Sunghoon's tale would end.

No one knew how cruel fate could be.

vi.

That noon, you are writing in your room when someone knocks twice on your door. You couldn’t help but wonder who it might be. You unlock the door and see Sunghoon there.

“Did I disturb you?” He asks while peeking inside your room.

“Of course not. What is it?”

“I have something to give you. Hold out your hand.”

Curious, you did as he asked. He places a stuffed toy dog in your hands. It was small and black, with buttons holding it together, and it was cute. You also didn’t fail to notice the folded paper that was attached to it.

“What’s this?”

“A little dog.”

“I can see that, Honnie.” You roll your eyes and chuckle. It’s not like you hate it, but Sunghoon has been giving you so many gifts lately. “What is this one for? Where did you find it?”

“Now you’re asking too many questions.” Most people were content with guessing, but you, only you went out of your way to ask. Not that he hates it, on the contrary, he likes it.

“I can’t help it. I want to know what the man in front of me is thinking.”

“Don’t you know curiosity killed the cat? Anyway, It’s not for anything particular. Jay and I passed a shop on the way back, and I happened to see this stuffed toy. It reminds me of you.”

“Is it because I’m cute?” You playfully asked him. “No, you’re annoying. Like Jay, but more endurable.”

You pout at his remark. While the culprit himself just laughed, letting you shove his body with a weak attempt until you thought it was enough. He looks at you with the eyes that keep captivating your mind and pinches your cheeks.

“Don’t be cranky,” He coos you. “You’re cute, okay. Now I want to see your pretty smile.”

Though you were still mad with his teasing, you couldn’t help but smile. The last words, it was the answer your heart hoped for and dreaded. He stops pinching your cheeks and lets out a yawn.

He then bids you goodbye and walks away toward his room. After losing sight of him, you close the door and lean back against it. Still holding the stuffed toy dog in your hands, you unfold the paper he gave you and smile. It was a drawing of you from the side, smiling brightly at something or someone.

It looks like returning home is going to be hard. Your heart was beating so fast that it ached. You were flushed and warm just at the thought of him. Why does he have to make it harder for you to not fall in love with him?

Time, as it turned out, doesn’t care that you were deeply conflicted. The day moved forward. A day closer to going home.

That morning you are busy talking with Jake about something when the door to the dining room creaks open, showing the confused Sunghoon as he walks toward you two.

“Morning! You slept in pretty late today, even for you.”

“I didn’t expect you to wake up on your own,” You agreed with Jake.

Yawning, Sunghoon glances at the tea sandwich you made on the table, grabs one of it and takes a bite. Immediately, he put his hand over his mouth with an odd look.

That’s a weird reaction, you thought.

“I think he doesn’t have the words to describe how good your sandwich is.” Jake chuckles at Sunghoon before bumped his shoulder to his friends, signalling him to say something to you.

“…Yes. Just like Jake said.”

“If you like it so much, you can have another. There are plenty.”

“I just remember that I have something to do. But I'll come back later for the sandwich.” Sunghoon shoots you a grin and turns to go. Stiffly, he closes the door behind him.

He went straight from the dining hall to Heeseung's room. And without a knock or something, he opens the door harshly. Heeseung calmly faces Sunghoon with a smile, like he had been waiting for his arrival.

“It’s rare to see you here, Sunghoon.”

“I need to ask you something, hyung. It’s very important to tell me everything you know.”

“You have my full attention.”

The last few days, Sunghoon has gone to sleep hungry though he remembered eating normally throughout the day. Not only that, but his throat was also so dry that it was painful and the thirst he felt before became worse from time to time. Even worse from the night when you two just back from the flower field.

Heeseung says nothing, his eyes observing Sunghoon dispassionately. He knew exactly what happened to the demi-vampire in front of him. But, even if he tells him the truth, Sunghoon would only deny it like last time.

Sunghoon meets Heeseung’s eyes with his own, pleading for an answer he could live with.

“You already know the answer.”

“Am I becoming a vampire? Am I changing after all this time?”

“To be honest, I have lived a long time, yet I have never encountered a vampire like yourself. Thus, all I can do is speculate.” Heeseung sighs before continuing.

“There is a reason Jay and Jake require a steady intake of blood. Call it ‘payment’ for their renewed life. That’s the natural law of the vampire world. You too have outlived your original lifespan. You understand it, right?”

It was not the reassurance Sunghoon had wanted to hear. “How do I stop it?”

“Too bad, you can’t stop it. You can only slow the process by avoiding consuming rogue in any form, including drinking for the living.” Heeseung's hands drop to his sides.

After a moment, Sunghoon manages a smile, though his balled fists were bone-white. With that, he left the room.

vii.

The weekend finally came. Jake and you went out to the city for some artistic inspiration. The sky was clear; the street lit with natural light—you were the only gloomy cloud.

Unlike what Sunghoon promised you, he didn’t come back to the dining room for the sandwich. He even didn’t eat much that day, which kinda worried you.

“You, okay?” Jake askes in worry. His gentle voice called you back to the present.

“Yeah, just thinking about something. It didn’t matter.” Jake smiled softly at you.

From outside, Jake might look like someone that is annoying. His flirting nature made people around him feel uncomfortable sometimes. However, once you know him better, you will understand that it was his way to show people how much he cared for them. He was a caring person that loves piano and photography, liked to hang out with Heeseung, and occasionally annoyed Sunghoon or Jay whenever he pleased. You even became his recent victim.

One more thing about Jake that you notice, he has an irresistible smile. Most women are drawn to him like a moth because of it. If you weren’t in love with Sunghoon and the bad impression you had about him, you might become one of those women.

“Anyway, let’s go to that bookstore. I think I saw the book that I had been looking for.”

Thanks to Jake, you could forget about Sunghoon for a while. Your mind feels more refreshed as the walk continues.

Just then, someone grabs you away from the main road. You were thrown over a car before you could react. It takes the breath right out of you. You tried to see who’d grabbed you but failed to get any detail of your kidnapper’s face. A dark hood and the light behind his head conspired to shadow his features.

“Put me down!”

“You better shut your mouth if you don’t want to lose your precious life.” A deep familiar accent. But not a voice you know.

“I don’t know who you are, but release her immediately!” You look at Jake with panicked eyes.

“Jake, run! Get help!” You plead and tell him to go. But, he seems to have another plan in his mind.

“Begone.”

“I’m not going anywhere, not until you let go my friend.” Jake swung his bag of music sheets at the hoodie man’s face. The attack catches the man by surprise, and Jake uses this moment to grab his arm, trying to pull the man off the car before the engine turns on.

Suddenly, there was a clicking sound. The man had drawn a gun to Jake’s face.

You stop him right before he could pull the trigger. “Stop… I’ll go with you.”

“[Name]!”

“Just do as he said, Jake. I’ll be fine.”

You know what Jake is capable of. He might be a vampire, but it is still dangerous to show it in public. Moreover, he was unarmed. He's just gonna get hurt if he stays. Instead, Jake needs to get out of here and tell the others about this.

Leaving his supplies behind, Jake runs at full speed to your waiting car. He told the driver where Sunghoon was supposed to be. Soon, he found him at Leeum Museum of Art.

“Sunghoon!”

“Jake? What are you doing here?” Sunghoon looks at Jake.

“[Name], she—” Jake explains the whole situation in panic. He even sent the driver to alert the police, but he doesn’t know if they couldn't help find you.

Sunghoon listened with a grim expression, fists unconsciously balled in anger. Without wasting any more time, he thanks Jake and runs off the museum art.

On the other side, your kidnapper just unceremoniously tosses you to the floor. Not care even a bit about the impact that went all through your body.

Where are you? You are not even sure how long you ride. You are so disoriented. Eventually, your eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room you found yourself in.

It looks like an old cabin or maybe a warehouse. It was dusty with disuse. The hoodie man comes in after you and stands in the doorway to block the exit. He draws his gun once more and points it at your face. He walks closer to you until it touches your forehead and loaded the gun.

“You better not think of getting away just because I don’t tie both your hands and feet. You might not be able to do it because these bullets will kill you first.”

You want to say, “there is a first time for everything.” but you know you are at a disadvantage with this one.

The way he holds the gun shows that he had experience in this matter. You need some other advantage. You begin to talk, though your voice shakes.

“Why did you kidnap me?

“If you think you can ransom me with money, you’re wrong. I’m not interested in that,” says the man.

“Then, what are you interested in?”

“… inspiring wrath. There is a man I need to awaken. And you’re the key to doing so.” He’s not making any sense, you thought. Why would you be the key to something you didn’t understand? “I’m going to wake him up by killing you.”

What?

A glint. That is the only warning you got. The man pulls the trigger and lucky enough, you darts out of the way just in time before the bullet hits your head.

“Don’t run or you will make your death more painful than it was supposed to be.”

You backed away. One step. Two steps. You do your best to avoid the bullets. Your legs are like useless sticks. You push yourself along the wall with your hands, only for the man to back you into the corner. You want to look for an escape, but your eyes are fixed on the gun in the man’s hand as he loads the gun and aims at you.

The last thing you do is flinch. In your fear, you barely hear the sound—

Someone sweeps into the room, and for a moment, it's as time stops. You hear your shallow breath in the stillness. Nothing came to you, not even a sound of the gun could be heard.

You open your eyes and see your saviour there.

“Sunghoon…” Sunghoon has his arms around you, shielding you. “Sorry, I’m late.”

Seeing is believing. Yet, you still can’t believe it. It was a miracle that Sunghoon came right before death greets you. You didn’t miss the glare he sent to the man like he knew and despite him to the bone.

“You came after me, Park? Don’t you remember what a mistake it is? Almost as grievous as showing your back to the enemy!” The hoodie man pulled the trigger at Sunghoon who has his back to him, protecting you. You can see how much pain he feels just from the groan he let out, arms still locked tightly around you.

“Are you going to stand there while I make holes into your body?” He keeps shooting at Sunghoon, again and again.

“You’re a disgrace, Park. Choosing to spend your life by drawing and devote it to a mere human like her. Do you forget who you are!?”

Sunghoon grits his teeth, unflinching as the hoodie man shoots him again.

Blood. You can feel your hand full of Sunghoon's blood as you accidentally touch his now blood-soaked clothes. He can’t move without putting you in danger. But that also means he is gonna die soon or later if this continues.

“Sunghoon… stop, please” You plead to him to not scarify himself for you anymore. He only smiles and tells you that everything is okay.

Of course, you know it’s not.

The moment the man pulls the trigger again, you grab Sunghoon's outer, just like you’d grabbed his bed sheet so many times, and throw it over the man. Your plan worked. The man steps back to rip the outer off himself.

Sunghoon, with his speed, has his baton out and drops the gun away from the man’s hand with it.

“You-”

“Don’t move.” A boot scuffed the floor as the man took a step back. “I said don’t move.”

Sunghoon sweeps his baton up, just as the hoodie man moves out of his way. But the baton gets caught inside the hoodie and tugs down the hoodie of his head.

A glimpse in the darkness. You glimpse the man’s eyes, shining with unnatural light and filled with mad rage. He stared at a moment before disappearing faster than your human eyes could see.

But your attention quickly diverted at the sudden hissed in pain that Sunghoon let out. He fell to his knees.

“Sunghoon!” You catch and ease him to the floor, holding him in your arms. His back is slick and wet from the blood. Your hands are slick too with the same horrible liquid.

“[Name]… are you hurt?”

“I’m not. You’re protecting me the whole time, don’t you remember? And now you’re hurt because of me.” Your heart is beating too loud for you to think. You wish you could yell at it to shut up.

Stay calm. Remember the emergency first aid. You remind yourself.

Looking around, you try to find a cloth to staunch the blood with. Sunghoon is bleeding too badly to move and there isn’t any sign his wound would heal any sooner.

The second you try to stand up, Sunghoon howls in pain as if your leaving his side caused him agony. He grabs at you, catches your arms. With his other hand, he grabs your collar and pulls you to him with wild desperation. he is panting, hissing through the clenched teeth. And that’s when you see it.

Fangs. With his laboured breathing, they are unmistakable. He is in pain, and he has a look in his eyes you’d seen before. It reminded you of the first encounter between you and Jake, like how predators look at their prey.

“Sunghoon, I need you to answer me,” You breathe. “Do you need blood? Will it help you?”

“N-no… I don’t… I don’t need blood.” He shakes his head in denial. But his eyes tell you a different story. He is still bleeding out in your hands.

Vampires require fresh blood when they suffer injury. If blood wouldn’t save him, you didn’t know how else to keep him alive.

“Tell me the truth.” He says nothing.

“Please, Sunghoon, let me save you!” You don't want to let him die like this, especially after all the times he protected you. “You saved my life! Please, don’t make me watch you do this to yourself!”

He finally looks up at you, sadly. He leans closer and whispers. “Listen… [Name]… I’ve been… changing. I’m becoming a vampire. If I drink blood… there will be no more holding it back.”

Is that why he didn’t want to drink? But what could be so horrible about becoming a vampire that he'd rather died? You’d lived with vampires. You’re rather here with a vampire Sunghoon than a dead one.

Was it because of you?

“Look, I can’t speak for you. But I know I’d prefer you to do anything, even become a vampire, if it means living!”

“Do not say that!” You are shocked into silence. You’d never heard him sound like that. So rawly vulnerable.

His hand is shaking. “I don’t… want to become… a full vampire. I’m… I’m afraid.”

“But why?” There are so many questions you want to ask. What was he possibly afraid of to the point he doesn’t want to change?

“Because I met you… and I’m afraid of losing this. If I become a full vampire, time will stop passing for me the way it does for you. We will never be able to share the same meal and smile when we are satisfied…” His breath is ragged.

“It may sound silly to you, but… I love doing those things with you.”

But why, why would he die for these things?

Memories of that night in the flower field to your mind to answer your questions.

“Hey, [Name], could I ask you for something?” You looked at him in wonder before nodding. Well, as long as it was not something ridiculous, you didn’t mind. “Please don’t change.” “What do you mean by don’t change? Please be more specific, Park Sunghoon.” He chuckles while looking at the flower field in the distance, something that he rarely does even when he is alone. “I like having dinner with you, spending time with you in this flower field, and also at how you laugh just from a little silly thing. That’s what I mean as ‘don’t change’. Please stay as who you are right now. That's all.”

You now understand why it’s important to him. You haven’t realised just how much he’d poured out his heart to you that night. The little joys of everyday life. The nice things, but they’re so commonplace you stop paying attention to them for a while.

Sunghoon had lost those a long time ago. Trying his best to forget his painful past alone.

“[Name]… I know I will have to part soon…” He touches your cheek with a bloody hand, pushes himself up until he could look you in the eyes. “…I only wanted to stay the same as you… until that time came. I… love you.”

Sunghoon completely stole your heart with those words. He had so often teased you about love, with a laugh, with a smile. To say it and mean it now was too cruel.

“ I love you too much… That's why I can’t drink your blood. Do you understand me?”

“No! Never! And I don’t ever want to understand” Your desperate breath mingled with his.

You do understand how much he loves you. Which is why you aren't backing down. You clasp the bloodstained hand that cupped your cheek with your blood hand.

“I don’t care about your past, no matter what it was, you were just the man in front of me. Whether the man is a vampire or not! I don’t care if you become what you think is a monster. Nothing can change my feelings for you. As long as you live, no matter what form you take, the time we spend together will not change. I promise you, I won’t let it.”

You want to ignore your feelings. But you couldn’t, not when you are so close to losing him. You are in life with Sunghoon, and you are not gonna deny it again. You shouldn’t fight it in the first place. Your love was destined, just as you were drawn to that door, you were drawn to him.

“Park Sunghoon, I love you too. I love you more than you think and I’m not ready to let you go.” Your voice trembles with love for him. “Take my blood. Now.”

Sunghoon refuses to bite you and speeds his change to a vampire because he loves you. Whereas you would do anything to keep him alive in any form because you love him. Though they are different, both your wishes come from the same place.

“Do it.” You unbutton your shirt and brush aside your hair, exposing your neck to him. “Drink my blood.”

Though he tries his best to restrain himself, his instincts slowly take control over his body. He strains and snarls like a hungry wolf. Sharp fangs glistened; his breath on your skin was hot. He swore to protect you, and you know he would never hurt you; you trust him.

“…And whatever you happen to become afterwards- just continue protecting me. Keep living for my sake.”

“You know… I never break my promise.”

“I don’t want you to. Which is why I said it.” He laughs a bitter laugh; you see blood trickled down his lips. It’s now or never.

Sunghoon leans down and draws his fangs down your neck as if to get used to the idea. The rake of his warm teeth across your skin. You shudder, then begin to tremble.

“Tell me, can you do the unspeakable?”

Is it an unspeakable act to drink the blood of another mortal to live? Or is it a true taboo falling in love with someone from another world—someone you never should meet? Which of these fit his definition of unspeakable? You have committed one sin and are on the cusp of another.

If judgement awaits you two at death, perhaps you will both have a lot to repent for. But, you’ll deal with that when it comes. For you, damnation was being without him.

“At least, we will be damned together.”

His fangs sank into you. Two sharp pin pricks of pain. A soft cry slipped out of you. The pain becomes more intense as he sinks deeper. Warmblood seeps out of you from the wound. Which he laps up, warm tongue caress on your neck. He sucks hungrily where he had bitten.

Your blood flowed faster into him, nourishing him, sustaining his life. And you feel something else. A subtitle warmth, starting from your neck, gaining power as it rapidly coursed through your body. You gasp.

The heat grow, turns into fire. Every nerve in your body is awake and affected. You couldn’t describe this feeling. Pleasure like you’d never felt before.

“Are you okay? Do I need to stop?” You shake your head no. “It just feels a little bit weird. Like I’m not myself.”

Sunghoon is panting, not in pain, but in his passion, another need now in his eyes. He pulls you close, whispering your name with a stern, yet soft voice. You look into each other's eyes and for a moment, he couldn’t hold himself anymore. He finally lets out all his desire that he had pent up for you and kisses you. You close your eyes, letting yourself drown to the feeling of his soft lips.

It was nothing like his sleepy morning kiss. His lips are warm, alive, and knowing. Deep into each other until you lost to all but your long-suppressed passion.

How could the touch of lips connect two people so perfectly?

You open hazy eyes to see him once more. Sunghoon brushes a spot of blood off your lips with his thumb and kisses it. Then, he embraces you. He holds you so tightly it's almost painful.

As you lose the fight to stay awake, you distantly hear someone speak.

“…Forgave me.”

© 2022 knwsoft

[nightfall-kachiniko]

Hi! Can I request the aot girls + hitch and historia going out and saying "I love you" and you not saying it back? Like just how their reactions to it would be. Thanks in advance!

Damn y'all just love breaking these girls hearts LMAO alright then 😏 also sorry this took a while, I’m currently clearing out drafts LMAO -

||| AOT girls reacting to you not saying “I love you” back.

Paring: Mikasa x reader, Annie x reader, Ymir x reader, Pieck x reader, hitch x reader, historia x reader

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- Honey always says “I love you,” before going out in to town. Like ALWAYS

- so when y/n didn’t say it back it really bothered her.

“Alright honey, I’m going to go get some groceries. I’ll be back in a few dear. Keep the door locked. I love you,” Mikasa said as she threw on her coat giving you a small peck on the cheek. “Okay baby! Have a fun!” You replied, washing the dishes. At first she didn’t notice and thought you were going to say it when she was walking out, but then you didn’t. She closed the door and kind of stood there confused. So mikasa decided to go back inside, hoping you would say it back to her.

“I- uhm- forgot something one second,” she said, going into your bedroom. “Oh ok!” She grabbed a pen ( which she really didn’t need) and came out of the bedroom, hugging you from behind, “I’ll be home shortly, okay?” Mikasa said, kissing the back of your head. “Alright!” “I love you,” “see you later!” Mikasas face turned into a worried and concerned look before repeating, “I love you dear,”

“Ok!” You said. She broke the hug and looked at you, “Wait, why aren’t you saying it back?” She asked, a bit anxious. “Hm? What do you mean?”.. “You didn’t say I love you back,” she mumbled looking down at her feet. “Aww baby… I was joking mamas!” You said in a baby voice, caressing her cheek with your thumb. “Mmm..” she sighed, looking at you.

“noooo honey! Don’t be sad my baby! I love you too my sweet angel!” You finally gave in, kissing her forehead.

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-offended but zero fucks given

- pulls out a taser on you LMAO threatening for you to say it back /jk

“Baby I’m leaving to go to reiners, see you later babe, I love you,” your girlfriends voice trailed out to you. “Oh okay! Bye bye!” You said kissing her on the cheek. Zt first Annie didn't notice and only noticed when she got in the car. She was like, “wait- did y/n even say they loved me?” she thought. This extra ass got out of the car and went back to the door opening it. “Uhm I love you?” she said. “Oh okay! Bye bye!”

She looked at you as if you were nuts. She came over to you and jerked your face towards her before kissing you, “tell me you fucking love me back, ” she growled. “AAA OMG OKAY ANNIE ILY-”

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- Worried and sad

- Thinks she did something wrong to not deserve an ‘I love you’ :(

“Lovely~” Pieck said with pretty eyes as she gently kissed your cheek, “I’m going to the meeting with Reiner and Zeke, I’ll be back in a bit dear” She said calmly. “Oh alright! I’ll see you then!” You gave her a quick smile before handing her her coat, putting it on her. “Thank you my divine~!” The frizzy haired woman said, kissing you softly on the lips, cupping your face. “See you soon my love, I love you,” she looked into your eyes with a sparkle, “see you love!” You replied. She completely forgot all about the “I love you” part since she always gets one back, but as soon as she was headed out the door she stopped for a second. “Hey,” she said, turning around back to you. You looked up at Pieck from your book. “I love you,” she smiled. “Okay, I’ll see you when you get back” you returned the smile. Pieck oddly just stood there, contemplating what to do. “Honey,” The titan asked. “Do.. you love me back..?” She said with worrying eyes. You had to drop the act and bursted out laughing, “oh my god Pieck baby of course!” You rushed over to her, kissing her lips once again, “I’m messing with you! Porco told me to try it! <3” you explained, comforting her. “You-“ the woman pouted, “you are going to put me in a early grave >:(“

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- same with annie

- offended ASFFFF

She was about to go take your guys dog to the vet for a checkup as she kissed you quickly on the cheek. “I’ll be back soon mamas~” she said, kissing you. “I love you~” she said, wrapping her arms around you. “Okay! See you later babe!” You said, staring at your phone. She gave you another kiss before looking at you crazy. “Oi,” she said grabbing your phone and placing it down, “give me a kiss and tell me you love me, I’m not leaving until you do dumbass,” she flicked at your forehead. You rubbed your head with your hand as you replied “ow okay!” Giggling. “I love you tooo <3” you said sweetly, back at her, giving her a small peck on her cheek. “Oh come on y/n that was shit, do it again,” she said rudely. “Oh my god you are so needy!” You said kissing her again, “I love you,”

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- Sad ;( and confused

- she doesn’t know what she did wrong

Right as she was going to make a speech in one of the towns of Sina, she quickly kissed you, and let her keep some of her clothes so that you wouldn’t be lonely for the next 3 days. Since the ride on horse out there doesn’t take long, she also has paperwork to do, which would decline her ability to get back home. Reports to study, decisions to make all felt a bit to much for the girl whose name was claimed to be krista. “Darling, I’ll be back in a few days,” the blonde said, putting up her hair neatly in a bun, “I’ve got guards for you, so if you need something or need to go somewhere, make sure to tell them,” she said, turning towards you, “alright sweetheart?” She smiled at you. “Okay baby” you returned the smile as she grabbed her bag and gave you a kiss on the cheek and then another one on the face. “I’ll be back as fast as I can, please stay safe my love,” Historia instructed. “I will hisu, the same goes to you my queen,” You giggled. “I love you darling, see you soon,” “alrighty! Bye bye!” You waved to her as she headed out the door. As soon as historia closed the bedroom door she paused, ‘wait, why didn’t y/n say she loves me?’ She questioned. The blonde haired woman turned around, leaving her bag outside the door and opened it again, peeping her head in. “Baby,” she said, “hm?” You replied. “I love you” she repeated. “Okay, bye bye!” She stood there a bit confused, before walking inside the bedroom again. “Can you say it back?” Historia worryingly asked, hesitant. “Oh my walls,” you giggled rushing over to Historia, “I love you, more than anything tori” you blushed. “I was only messing around my queen, you know I truly care deeply about you,” You kissed her soft lips as she grabbed your waist. “I can’t wait to see you again” Hisu confessed, “stay safe, Princess

━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━

━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━ ━

-PLS PULLS OUT A TAZERRR-

- “Excuse me” *zap* “you better say it back”

Hitch put on her red silk dress, admiring herself in the mirror as you walked in, “Heyyy bae” she drug out her sentenced, “what you been up to?” You laid down on her bunk bed, looking at the girl, “nothing what about you love?” You replied, curious, “I’m going out tonight, there’s a party at Ashton’s you should totally come!” Hitch said. You shook your head and sighed, “hitch, how many times do I have to remind you I’m not into that stuff?” The woman let out a grunt, “well come on babe! It’ll be fun! I promise,” You looked her up and down as she grabbed her bag, “You sure you don’t want to come?” Hitch asked, you shook your head. “Alrighty then I’m off y/n,” She gave you a kiss before walking out the door, “I love you sweetie I’ll be back soon,”. “Have fun,” you smiled. There was an awkward silence between you two as she looked at you confused. “I love you?” She repeated, “okay hitchy have a good time,” you smiled. “Uh uh,” she shook her head digging through her purse before pulling out a WHOLE FUCKING TAZER- “you say you love me right now or else I’m smashing your car windows,” she said. “OH MY GOD HITCH ITS A JOKE-“ You said worried for your life. “I LOVE YOU DAMN-“ the woman put away the pink tazer before kissing you on the cheek. “Good! I love you too!”

I didn’t do a yelena one because she’d kill you if you did that LMAOAOAHA

[kaorisun]

hello! i noticed you write for sdv. could i request an Elliot x gn reader? if you don't want to write it thats okay! thank you!

Pressures of Success

pairing : elliott x farmer reader

tags : hurt/comfort, gender neutral reader

author’s note : I do write sdv, and I adore Elliott! Thank you for your request, anon! I hope you enjoy! <3

Elliott felt like he truly found his place. He had made amazing connections, found inspiration, and even found someone that he cherished more than anything. He had always been afraid that the move to Pelican Town wasn’t the right choice, but as time went on, he finally felt like he belonged among the people in the small town.

However, after the release of his first novel, things between himself and the farmer changed. Not by any fault of the farmer, rather, he’d began to neglect spending time with them.

It wasn’t exactly something Elliott wanted to do— however he felt an immense amount of pressure. His first novel was successful, and he wanted to live up to the popularity of his first release. He had an audience he wanted to please. Despite that, he hit a wall in creativity, so he shut himself into his cabin, playing piano and writing any ideas that came to mind, obsessively revising and editing any form of a draft he came up with— but no matter what he wrote, he felt that it lacked the passion of his first novel. He had no clue what he was missing and it was driving him up the wall.

He sat hunched over a messy desk, covered in ink smudges, crumpled rough drafts and a stack of papers from his most recent draft. He groaned in frustration, he had been holed up in his cabin for about a week now. It had been raining, plus he was far too focused on writing to even attempt to interrupt his process with anything else aside from basic necessities.

He was about to pick up his pen again until he heard a light knock at the door, a pattern he instantly recognized. He got up, side stepping around any stray papers before opening the door. The farmer looked at him, their eyes immediately lighting up at the sight of him, before quickly frowning upon seeing the condition he was in. Elliott cleared his throat before meeting their eyes.

“What brings you to my abode, (y/n)? I’m quite busy at the moment, so I hope that it’s important.” Elliott stated simply. The farmer stood, glancing to the side. They tightened their grip on their umbrella, their other hand tucked behind their back.

“I just wanted to check in on you. I had an off day today, the animals are alright, and no need to water crops when it rains. I haven’t seen you in a while! I wanted to make sure you were okay.” (y/n) expressed, the concern showing clearly in their face. Elliott gave a soft smile in response.

“I appreciate your concern. I’m all right. Just at a bit of a block in creativity with my second novel. I can handle a bit of writer’s block though.” Elliott assured. The farmer gave a dissatisfied hum before scanning his face a bit closely.

“You should take a break to rest, Elliott. You look exhausted. You need to give your mind some time to rest.” (y/n) stated quietly. Elliott gave a sigh and shook his head.

“I’ll be just fine, (y/n). I do appreciate you coming this way though. If all you wanted to do is check in, then you should be on your way back home. I’ll have to get back to writing as well.” Elliott stated. (y/n) tensed up before looking at him.

“Wait! There is one more thing. This year’s Flower Dance is coming up tomorrow. I wanted to know if you’d be attending this year.” (y/n) asked, an air of nervousness in their tone that Elliott couldn’t quite place. He shook his head simply, before giving an apologetic smile.

“I can’t make it this year. I have deadlines to meet with my publisher, and I’m far too busy. Perhaps you can stop by and tell me how it goes. I hate to have to miss it, but this is more important.” Elliott explained. (y/n) deflated at the response and gave a disappointed look before forcing a smile and nodding.

“Yes of course. I understand how important your writing is to you. I shouldn’t keep you from it any longer. I’ll see you again soon! I’ll tell you how the festival goes!” The farmer chided before waving. Elliott closed his door before walking over to his window, glancing curiously at the farmer as they walked away. He saw them clutch whatever they were holding behind their back to their chest before making haste and heading back into town. Elliott made no attempt to consider what it could’ve been before he returned to his desk to continue his writing.

The Flower Dance soon passed and although Elliott missed out, he looked forward to hearing about it from the farmer. He hadn’t spent time with them in a while and in all honesty, he missed it. The pressure of his work had completely shadowed over his life.

However, no matter how much he waited, they didn’t seem to stop by. He chalked it up to them being busy, but after around a week, he began to feel like the farmer was ignoring him. He even went out a few times to the tavern, but the farmer was nowhere to be seen. It began to worry him.

While trying to distract himself with writing, he heard a knock at the door and excitedly shot up to answer it, hoping that it was finally (y/n). When he opened it, however, he was instead met with Leah as opposed to his hoped guest for that day. Though shocked, he invited her in nonetheless.

“What brings you around, Leah?” He asked curiously. She looked at him before averting her eyes away with a sigh.

“The farmer told me why you weren’t attending the festival, and why you’ve been so scarce. You can’t drown yourself in work like this, Elliott. When you’re having a creative block, the best thing is to get away from it for a while. Recharge, yknow? You miss out on a lot of… opportunities if you over stress like you’re doing.” Leah explained. Elliott gave an exasperated sigh and crossed his arms.

“Leah, I truly understand the concern, but I’m doing just fine. I told (y/n) just as much. And missing out on one Flower Dance doesn’t constitute saying that I missed out on a lot of opportunities, I don’t believe.” Elliott defended. Leah groaned dramatically before placing her hands on his shoulders and looking him directly in the eye.

“Yes, yes it does. Because the day that (y/n) came here, they wanted to give you a bouquet AND ask you to be their partner at the Flower Dance but you missed out because you were drowning in work! They were too nice to force an invitation on you because they recognize your passion for writing, not to mention that it felt like a blow to them since they thought their intentions were pretty clear! I only heard about it because I ended up partnering with them at the dance! I enjoyed it, don’t get me wrong, but it should’ve been you, Elliott. They wanted it to be you.” Leah explained. Elliott’s eyes widened in shock, all of the words he usually had were completely gone and he was rendered speechless. The avoidance the farmer showed towards him made sense now. They thought he rejected them. Leah awaited a response before continuing.

“They wanted to confess to you, Elliott. I figured you liked them, so I was surprised when I heard that you didn’t even give it second thought. I figured that you were probably too busy minded to even realize what had happened.” Leah muttered and shook her head. Elliott paused, allowing the words to process before throwing on his jacket. He couldn’t allow the avoidance any longer. He was sure he’d be driven mad if he had to go another day without hearing from them and seeing them.

“Do you know where they are? I have to find them— I have to clear this up.” He insisted. Leah laughed a bit before smiling at him.

“They’re at their farm about to go mining. Run and go get them!” Leah cheered and with that, Elliott ran off.

He dashed through town before heading west towards where he knew (y/n)’s farm was and upon arrival, he looked for them. He saw (y/n) walk out of their cabin, mining tools in tow, and they spotted him, eyes wide before they placed their tools down.

Before they could speak, Elliott ran over and pulled them into a tight embrace. (y/n) tensed up before hugging back hesitantly and laughing a bit awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, (y/n).” Elliott murmured and the other hummed a bit.

“It’s okay? I think? I’m not sure what you’re apologizing for, Elliott.” (y/n) stated quietly.

“No, it isn’t okay, (y/n). That day when you asked me about the Flower Dance— I should’ve allowed you a chance to state your intentions before I shut you down so quickly. I would’ve dropped all of my drafts if it meant spending the day by your side. Most especially if it meant being yours. The deadlines are important— but that doesn’t mean you aren’t. Not having your presence this week made it even more of a drag. Any previous inspiration I had left when you did.” Elliott expressed to a speechless (y/n). They processed before pulling away. They walked back inside and before Elliott could conclude that he’d been rejected, they returned with a beautiful bouquet of flowers in their hands.

“I appreciate your apology, but there’s no need. I should’ve been more forward. But I suppose there’s no moment like the present. Will you accept these?” They asked with a sheepish smile before handing him the bouquet. The beautiful arrangement expressed the depth of their love and emotion perfectly to Elliott, and he accepted the flowers with a warm smile.

“Thank you. I’d be more than happy to have you by my side. I’m very lucky to be with someone as selfless and kind as you. I hope that I’ll be able to make you just as happy as you make me.” Elliott whispered softly. They looked at him with pure adoration, and Elliott couldn’t help but lean in and kiss them, feeling a rush of joy run through him. (y/n) returned the gesture, placing a gentle hand on his cheek before pulling back with an endearing expression.

“I’m so glad we finally got to do that.” (y/n) said with a small laugh. Elliott nodded in agreement and sat with them on their porch, wanted to savor that moment just a little longer. They leaned against him and in that moment, he felt complete. Color rushed back into the busy and drab world lacking any inspiration that he’d been living in for the past few weeks.

He realized, in that moment, what he had been missing from his second novel that made his first novel so successful. It wasn’t inspiration, time, effort, or ideas.

It was (y/n). He wasn’t sharing the thing he loved most with the person he loved most. He remembered how easily ideas flowed when he read his drafts to the farmer. Their mere presence alone always managed to spark so many emotions and feelings that turned into the true inspiration and passion for writing he honed before.

So, he began to write and spent every weekend reading what he had to (y/n) who always gave him their full attention. The process proved successful, and with the support and love from his farmer, Elliott released his second novel which was just as, if not more successful than the first.

And of course, the he gave credit where due on the dedication page in the beginning of his second book.

To (y/n) who supported and loved me through the entire making of this book, regardless.

Thank you, my love, for all that you do.

[butgilinsky]

'cause maybe then you'd want me just as much // np

warning; heavy language, toxy relationships, love triangle to an extent, throwing up, mentions alcohol a lot, mentions of smut but nothing explicit, there's one make out scene in it, angst angst angst this is straight angst, i think that's it?

summary; after your split from Nolan, you can't seem to find a way for both of you to be happy. when you meet his girlfriend for the first time, everyone seems to think you've developed a crush on her. based on the song girl crush by little big town.

word count; 15.6k+

a/n; he baddies, so this is a lot. one thing i wanted to say quickly is that this is mainly a nolan fic, but there are heavy joel x reader themes throughout. a bit of a love triangle but that's not entirely the focus of it. so if you're here for a nolan fic, here ya go. if you're here for a beezer fic, strap in it just takes a bit of time to develop to that point(: enjoy!

add yourself to my nhl taglist!

“You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too.” your eyes instinctively rolled back, the anger burning in your chest only growing at his attempt to confront this situation head on. He had a tendency of doing that, going at something full force with little to no thought of how it’ll actually end up.

“That’s a stupid saying! Why would I want the cake in the first place if I can’t eat it?”

“Can you dissect the english language another time and just listen to me for once?” the scoff that tumbled past your lips was subconscious, something you couldn’t stop yourself from. “All i’m saying is-”

“I get it, Nolan. I won’t give you the satisfaction of claiming me in front of the entire world, and now you’re walking away from me. If you can’t tell everyone that I’m yours then it means I'm not, right?” his shoulders slumped, his chest deflating as your words resonated in his mind.

Truth be told, Nolan didn’t give a shit what other people thought. He didn’t care about other people’s view of him, nor did he care about their validation. All he wanted was to be able to tell his friends where he went after each of his games, who he spent his nights and mornings with. He didn’t want to keep lying about why he bought enough groceries to feed more than one person, or who called him when he was on the road.

He understood at first, why you wanted to keep things to yourself. For a while, he agreed with you. He didn’t want your friends to get in the way either, though the group the two of you were in made that slightly difficult. They thrived off of teasing each other, and the two of you did your fair share of teasing as well. One thing Nolan didn’t want was for his friends to make the two of you feel as if this was all a mistake. He didn’t want you to have to face any scrutiny from the team or anyone else, so the two of you agreed to keep things just between the two of you.

That all turned to shit around six months in, when Nolan stopped getting excited about slipping out of his apartment unseen or arriving at the rink just in time for him to duck underneath Claude’s radar. The secrecy wasn’t fun anymore. He didn’t need a label, didn’t need you to commit to an entire life with him, but he wanted to be able to show up to functions with you under his arm. He wanted to see you wearing your Patrick jersey outside of your apartment.

He wanted you to be his girlfriend, and he wanted everyone to know about it.

Nolan knew there were things that had happened to you in the past that made you hesitant to climb aboard. He tried to be patient, tried to give you the time and space you needed to get you to where he stood. But months passed and you never got there, and he was starting to lose faith that you’d ever get there. He was starting to think he was waiting for something that was never going to come.

“I’m not sneaking around anymore. You can decide what that means, but I refuse to have these secret rendezvous where I can’t even tell people where I’m going. We don’t have to put a label on it, I’ll wait an entire lifetime if I have to for that, but I’m sick of the lying and scheming and secrecy.” he didn’t know what was more important to you at this point; being with him or making sure you kept all of your walls up. He did know what his priorities were, where he stood on the subject matter, but that wasn’t enough anymore. Now it was up to you to decide where the two of you lie.

“So what’s it going to be y/n?”

The last time you had gone through a break up, it had hurt a lot less than this. The weeks following the split between you and Nolan had been harder than any breakup in the past. Maybe the thing that was making all of it worse was the fact that you were suffering in silence. Nobody knew about you and Nolan in the first place, so nobody knew about the breakup that wasn’t actually a breakup.

You didn’t see him for two weeks after he’d walked out of your apartment. You couldn’t bring yourself to go to his games, and you denied all of the team’s invitations to go out with them. Even when Joel and Travis showed up to your apartment with several bags of take out food and tried their best to pick your brain about what had been going on with you, you fabricated a story about how school and work were mixing together in an unappetizing way.

It was easy for the most part, to blame your mood on schoolwork. Most of the flyers had no idea how stressful college could be, given that even the ones that were in your age range had never gone to college. Apart from a few of them like Joel, who had spent a year in college before being drafted, they assumed that school was everything you said it was. So any time they invited you out and tried to tell you that you couldn’t come up with any more excuses, a simple lie about a project being due soon would fend them off for a few days before repeating the process.

You finally agreed to go to a game when Joel needed a last minute ride to the rink, which ended in him convincing you that since you were already there, you could stick around for the game. You were sure that he had planned it all out, no doubt with the help of a few of the guys in order to be convincing enough, but it worked. It got you in the seats where most of them stopped by to wave at you during warm ups.

The smile that crept onto your lips when Nolan scored was subconscious. You couldn’t help but smile and clap for him, a warm familiarity swimming in your chest. Normally you’d meet him at your apartment afterwards, sharing toothy smiles and sensual kisses that never failed to turn into more. Your bed was familiar with Nolan, claiming half of itself to be side and clearing out a space on your nightstand for his phone and water bottle.

But you couldn’t do that anymore, Nolan wasn’t yours to take home anymore. While the realization was tough to bear, you simply wiped the smile off of your face and barred a neutral expression for the remainder of the game. You clamped your lips shut in a tight line and kept your deafening thoughts to yourself.

Your life had made room for him, a space for him to slide in without much effort at all. Your routine molded itself around Nolan being there in the mornings and nights. It started as little things like buying a second phone charger to plug in on his side of the bed. Then it turned to buying double the amount of groceries and recording his favorite shows on tv. Then he had a toothbrush next to yours on the bathroom counter and a bottle of body wash next to your shampoo in the shower. They were little changes here and there that somehow made it feel like Nolan practically lived there.

Even if the words were never said out loud, you and Nolan had broken up. It was hard to wrap your head around, how you could break up with someone without even realizing that you were dating in the first place. It shouldn’t have been so detrimental to lose him, to not have his hips snapping into yours or wake up to him brewing coffee in your kitchen. It was never supposed to get this far, was never supposed to be a tale of two friends that pined for each other enough to cause these waves. It was what you had done your best to avoid over its entirety, but you failed.

And now you had to pretend as if none of it had ever happened.

“Get out of the car, y/n.” you rolled your eyes at Joel’s attempt to sound stern with you, given the look he was sending you through the door frame. His eyebrows were raised and his hands sat on his hips, as if he was your angry mother that was dragging you to soccer practice on a sunday morning. “You have five seconds or I'm carrying you inside.”

“Jesus, Joel I just dropped my chapstick, chill the fuck out.” he rolled his eyes but smiled when you began climbing out of the car.

It was almost painful to convince you to come to Claude and Ryanne’s cookout, an event you normally wouldn’t miss for the world. If this were three months ago, you would’ve been happy to oblige. You’d steal glances across the yard at the boy who was more often than not already looking at you. Maybe you’d meet up in one of the empty rooms far enough from everyone else that they wouldn’t hear you sharing affirmations or other things not appropriate for a family friendly cookout with practically everyone you knew in Philly.

But you knew when you woke up this morning that that wouldn’t happen. You don’t live in the past and you’re no longer able to share stolen glances and smiles with the blue eyed boy who had stolen your heart without you realizing it. Instead you’d be forced to act as if nothing had happened between the two of you. It was easy at games, given that you never truly had to talk to Nolan, but today wouldn’t be that easy. You were certain that at some point you’d have to talk to Nolan in order to eliminate any suspicion about the two of you giving each other the cold shoulder.

You had mentally prepared yourself for the disaster you may or may not encounter, the feelings that were bound to throb in the back of your mind upon seeing the boy with shoulder length hair and a voice that never failed to send a chill down your spine. What you hadn’t been expecting was the petite blonde girl tucked into his side, the one with bright blue eyes and a smile that surely had the entire room smiling right back at her.

The weight of the situation hit you at full force, almost knocking you off of your feet before you even stepped onto the grass in the backyard. You asked yourself if there was any way you could escape, any way you could find a last minute excuse and run out the door before he even saw you but then you remembered that Joel drove you, and there was no way he’d take you back now.

That, and Nolan locked eyes with you before you could form a coherent thought that might have gotten you out of this situation. He looked thrown off, like he hadn’t been expecting you to be here. He looked down at the girl beside him, painfull aware of how this all looked to you and finding a million and one things that he assumed were running through your mind.

“You alright?” your eyes flicked up to meet Joel’s that were flooded with confusion and worry at the sight of you clearly thrown off by something. But then you coughed and shook your head, forced a smile to the surface and told Joel that you were perfectly fine.

You were fine for a while, assuming you could just stay away from them and everything would be okay. If you didn’t have to talk to her, didn’t have to hear about her or anything that had anything to do with her, you’d be fine. You could handle the avoidance of eye contact with Nolan and you could push your feelings below the surface for the time being.

Unfortunately for you, she seemed to be just about the nicest person on the planet and felt the need to introduce herself to everyone in her general vicinity. You were walking back out of the house, your fingers wrapped around the neck of four different bottles before she popped up out of nowhere and offered you a bright smile.

“Hi! You’re y/n right?” you nodded gently, pushing a soft smile to the surface to humor her. “Thought so. Nolan’s told me a lot about you. I’m Mackayla.”

Aside from the fact that she was definitely the last person you wanted to be talking to right now, she was dangerously nice. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t see the appeal. Her long blonde hair was beautiful, and you were sure by the way she was gently gripping onto her cup that she was gentle in all walks of life.

She was nicer than you’d wished she’d be. It’s as if you couldn’t find a flaw about her, other than the boy she chose to latch onto. It’d be easier if he was smiling all the same, if he was looking at her the way he used to look at you, even if nobody noticed. You’d be able to live with it if Nolan looked just as happy with her as he did with you, but he didn’t.

His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his hands were always shoved into his pockets or running through his hair. His knuckles went white from his tight grip on his better bottle, and you just knew. You knew that the way he looked at her held little to no weight, not when compared to the way he’d look at you with your head on his chest or his in your lap. If you didn’t know what he looked like at 2 in the morning over a plate of waffles the two of you were sharing. If you hadn’t heard the laugh that bellowed out when you stared at him in disbelief for eating the last bite.

You wondered if she knew that he’d rather waste money on overpriced sushi than order a pizza, if she knew that rubbing his temples and scratching his scalp helped soothe his migraines. Did she know that he’d talk about the things bugging him if you just gave him space for a minute or so and let him collect his thoughts? Did she know that he kept a bottle of ibuprofen in his nightstand and one in the center console of his car?

You doubted she knew these things, because you knew Nolan was oblivious to you knowing these little things. He didn’t know you’d picked up on these small details about him because you didn’t voice them, you didn’t need to. You got his favorite coffee creamer without asking him what flavor he wanted, keeping it in your fridge at all times just in case. You made sure not to steal the black hoodie that always laid over the back of his couch, because you knew it was his favorite and if you had ever taken it he’d lose his mind.

You made sure that Nolan was taken care of, that you never acted out in a way that would negatively affect him. And as much as it hurt to stand in front of his new girl and act as if you didn’t know all of these things about him, you’d do it for him. You swallowed your pride and forced a smile so that nobody picked up on anything for Nolan’s sake.

You were doing an okay job with faking a smile and listening to Mackayla talk about the things she’d done with Nolan over the weekend. You’d learned she was from Georgia, though that much had been obvious from the southern drawl in her voice, and it only led you to wonder how she even met Nolan in the first place. Was she staying at his apartment while she was here? Did she sleep on your side of the bed and eat the granola bars that he always bought for you without a second of hesitation?

You were doing fine, until you noticed Nolan’s eyes glued to you. He was watching you, whether it was out of fear of you falling apart or stepping out of line in front of her, you weren't sure. Maybe he didn’t trust you with the girl he was trying to use to get over you, and maybe he was concerned for your well being, but you had a fairly good guess as to which one it would’ve ended up being.

So with the best excuse you could muster, you politely told Mackayla that you had to deliver the beers slotted between your fingers and ushered her back in Nolan’s direction. He tucked her under his arm just like he had when you first arrived and sent you one last careful glance before turning away from you both figurative and literally.

When you got back to Joel and dished out the beers you promised everyone, you pressed your own against your lips and downed half of the beer in one go before Joel forced you to stop.

“Woah! Try not to drink your weight tonight, yeah?” you rolled your eyes and fought back the groan that threatened to slip when Joel pulled your bottle away from you. “Breathe for a second.”

You tried to ignore Travis and Karly’s concerned looks, confusion setting in for both of them when you offered a smile in place of an explanation. They didn’t question it, knowing better than to dig too far into the reason for your actions. In an attempt to take the focus off of your odd behavior, Travis offered a change of conversation. Though it would’ve been better if he had chosen a topic that didn’t directly relate to your sour mood.

“So Mackayla’s pretty nice.” Karly hummed, eyes locking with yours for just a second. Her motive was innocent, simply offering a skepticism about a new girl being introduced into the mix, something the two of you usually had when any of the guys started dating someone new.

“She’s pretty.” you shrugged gently, attempting to offer an innocent enough addition to the conversation that wouldn’t force you to endure too much more of this conversation.

Joel gasped gently, eyes panning down to you while a smirk creeped up his lips and firmly planted itself on his face. “Do you have the hots for Patty’s girl?”

Your eyes blew wide and while the only thing running through your mind was how wrong Joel is, he mistook your shock for fear of being sniffed out so easily. It didn’t help that Joel had been your wingman on more than one occasion, always doing everything he could to snag you someone worthy of time.

“Bee-”

“You’re so into her!” you groaned at Travis bouncing in excitement, only calming down when his girlfriend dug her elbow into his ribs.

“I do not have a crush on Mackayla.”

“Who said anything about a crush?” Joel’s smile ignited a fire inside of your chest, an aggravation that had you clenching your jaw and rolling your eyes. He sucked his teeth and pressed a hand to his chest, a far off look settling in his expression. “My baby’s growing up.”

“Shut the fuck up, Farabee.”

Unfortunately, you were unable to convince Travis and Joel about your feelings towards the girl, or lack thereof. You couldn’t exactly tell them that you weren’t anything less than envious of her, that you kept looking in her direction because she seemed physically incapable of leaving Nolan’s side. You couldn’t tell them that you were truly looking at Nolan, that all you wanted to do was tell him that everything that’s happened was severely miscalculated on your part.

While Joel and Travis were painful at times, they were your best friends. They were attentive to your feelings more often than not, even if they miscalculated them here and there. Joel slipped you a few more drinks throughout the night and Travis made sure you never had an empty cup in your hand. Karly kept a close eye on you, worried about you quickly tipping over the edge if no one paid attention. She wasn’t convinced by the story of your crush on Mackayla, but she wasn’t sure what was truly bothering you so she did her best to make sure you stayed away from the ledge.

After two cups of the punch that Jake brought you were taking deep breaths in the bathroom, mustering up the courage to go back out and face the music. With every twinge of alcohol that infiltrated your system your shoulders slumped and you forgot about the pain that resonated in the back of your mind. It was easier to not look at Nolan every few seconds when you partially forgot that he was even there.

However, just as you opened the door to step back out into the house, the door was pushed wide open and Nolan stepped into the small space with you before shutting the door behind him. You were caught off guard, not having been this close to him since he walked out three months ago. It was almost nice, you almost let yourself slip a smile but then you were painfully aware of the way his forehead creased in frustration.

He saw your mind go over ninety different thoughts, your face showing off just about every emotion you were feeling when you felt it. It was hard for him to stand his ground, to not reach out to you and press a soft kiss against your forehead at the sight of you stressed out about something. But then he remembered why you were stressed, why he came up here in the first place. He remembered how you told him you couldn’t be with him, how you broke his heart.

“Why are you in here, Pat?” he flinched at the name, having not heard you call him that since before everything had unfolded between the two of you. You never called him by his last name, nor his hockey nicknames. Not after you’d been trapped between him and his mattress far more times than you could count.

“You talked to Mackayla earlier.” you hummed, rolling your eyes when you realized what was coming.

“So you saw me talking to your girlfriend earlier and now you’re wondering if I told her something she’s not supposed to know. If you’re wondering what we talked about then you can ask her, because I honestly couldn’t remember if my life depended on it. I stopped listening to her after she told me that you’ve told her a lot about me.” despite the way his eyes changed, darkening ever so slightly and pupils dilating, Nolan looked unphased by your confession.

“She’s not my girlfriend-”

“Then what is she? She’s clearly something since she’s here at your captain’s house. She’s visiting from Georgia for fuck’s sake, Pat-”

“So you did pay attention to her.” as fucked as it was, Nolan smirked at the realization that you still cared. Despite everything you told him, every time you said that you needed things to be a secret and that you couldn’t open up that part of you, he was elated to find out that you had a soft spot for him.

“Do you think it’s funny? You think it’s funny to watch me fall apart right in front of you? I’m trying so hard to keep myself together, and then you bring her here and wave her around in my face like you deserve an award for moving on.”

“I had no idea you were coming.” you wanted to laugh, wanted to scream at the top of your lungs that he had to be joking right now. But you didn’t, you held the laugh in the back of your throat and you opted for a vocal level that wouldn’t travel downstairs for everyone else to hear.

“That’s bullshit! I know you’re lying to me because Joel showed me a string of texts from your group chat of everyone saying that they were excited to see me. You know why he showed me that, Pat? Because I needed the motivation to peel myself off of my couch and start hanging out with my friends again. You know, i’m doing everything I can to hold it together but it’s really fucking hard when i can’t even be vocal about the fact that I don’t want to be around you right now.”

“Oh, don’t put that shit on me. You wanted to keep us a secret, so that means your heartbreak is a secret too. What do you want me to do about it? Help you through it? You want me to help you get over me? This is me trying to do that. I’m trying to move on, and you should be trying just as hard.” that almost hurt more than figuring out that he had deep rooted feelings for her. To know that she was your replacement, the one that was meant to help him get over you, that was much worse.

“But that’s the thing, Nolan! I don't want to get over you!”

“Well you have to! It’s too late to make up for all of the shit we’ve already been through. The damage is done, so you need to let me be happy without you.” your heart sank at the revelation, the look of defeat that sat on his face and told you that there was no going back. There was nothing you could do that was going to backtrack from this.

So you reached around him and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it as quickly as you could and slipping out of the bathroom just as quickly as Nolan had slipped in. You ran down the stairs fast enough to miss the sound of him slamming his fist into the countertop, the guttural groan that left him as he broke down in the room you left him in.

The good thing about the alcohol induced daze you were in was that your tears could’ve been due to anything. They could’ve been from someone taking your white claw away, and while you were sure you could find an excuse for crying, you knew that you wouldn’t need to when you saw Joel’s face.

“Can we go?” he nodded without a single question, promising you that it had been well over two hours since he had had a single sip of beer. He turned to Phil and told him to tell everyone they left but to leave out the part about you standing in front of them with wet cheeks and red eyes.

He didn’t ask you what was wrong, didn’t ask you to fess up to your crying fest in the car. He simply drove around the city until you had let out every tear and choked sob you could manage. He knew that part of it was spurred on by your blood alcohol level, surel exceeding the limit to drive, but he knew there was something you weren’t saying.

While not many people other than the people in Joel’s close vicinity had seen you crying just before your disappearance, a few did. And while nobody knew what it could have possibly been caused by, Karly watched Nolan descend down the stairs a few minutes after you had with an expression much different than the one he wore when he went upstairs. His cheeks were red and blown out, a dead give away for him being angry. It didn’t take her long to put the pieces together, to realize that you weren’t looking at Mackayla all night but rather the boy who had an arm draped around her shoulder.

You hoped that maybe you’d never have to see Mackayla after that, that she’d return to whatever town in Georgia she came from and stay there. Maybe even if she was around, you wouldn’t have to be around her. If Joel and Travis wanted to believe that it was from your attraction to her then so be it, just as long as you didn’t have to witness Nolan giving someone else the affection you craved from him.

But time passed and Mackayla stuck around. She stuck around for a few more months, visiting Nolan far more often than you would have cared for. She was around more than you wished she’d be. She was nice enough for everyone to like her, though it was kept at a surface level. Joel still picked your brain about your supposed crush on her, dropping hints in various conversations about it.

“So I was talking to Mack the other day-”

“Who the fuck is Mack?” it was a reflex, popping your head around the corner and shooting Joel a confused look across the room. He was leaning back on your couch, waiting for you to come back with the popcorn that was currently popping in the microwave.

“Mackayla…” Joel’s voice trailed off as he turned over his shoulder, his smirk all too irritating for you to not roll your eyes.

“What, the two of you are best friends now?” if Joel didn’t know you so well, he’d think you were jealous. He did, to an extent, think that you were jealous of him for being close to Mackayla, which was somewhat amusing for you.

“Chill, y/n/n. I’m not going to steal her away from you. She’s all yours, after she’s Patty’s.” it was meant to be playful, meant to bring a soft laugh out of you. Joel had no idea that he was just digging the dagger further into your heart, twisting it violently at the mention of Nolan and his girlfriend that seemed to be here to stay for much longer than you originally expected.

She showed up at games that you quickly regretted attending, wearing a jersey that you recognized all too well, having a few matching ones lining the back of your closet. You played nice though, letting her ask questions about you and answering them with the best answer you could offer at the time. You even went to grab drinks with her during the second intermission.

It was almost laughable, how oblivious she was. She was nice and in any other scenario where she wasn’t dating the boy you were hopelessly in love with, you probably would have liked her. There was nothing wrong with her other than her love interest, and the fact that she was oblivious to everything around her. You thought it was innocent at first, maybe even cute, but then she offered you a bright smile after you had calmed down from celebrating Joel’s second goal of the night and told you that the two of you would be a cute couple. Not only did it make you laugh, but the way she wiggled her eyebrows and told you that she could help you make that happen made you sigh in realization that she truly had no idea what mess she had walked into.

You hadn’t realized that Karly had caught onto your distaste for her until you announced that you had to run to the bathroom and Karly jumped up before Mackayla could even think about it and hooked her arms in yours. You sent her a puzzled look laced with a soft smile until she raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips in a way that told you exactly why she volunteered to go with you.

She let you break down in the bathroom, confessing that the mere sight of her made you nauseous. You told her about the history between you and Nolan, the way that you fell in love with him without even knowing it. You told her how you messed it up, how you did something that he couldn’t forgive you for and before you were able to tell her that you didn’t know how you would fix any of it, she told you that there was no way in hell that this was irreversible.

She’d seen the way you looked at him, the way he looked at you and the way he looked at her. In her mind, the choice was clear. Mackayla was no match for you, not even close. She didn’t bring any of the things to the table that you could, despite her being a good person. She wasn’t a bad person, but you were made for Nolan. Even Karly could figure that one out.

So you let her drag you to a bar with the team afterwards. You let her ring up a tab for the two of you and slip you drinks throughout the night without thinking much of it. Sure, Mackayla and Nolan weren’t very far away, but you knew you wouldn’t have to watch them do much more than things you’d already seen. You knew they wouldn’t dance, since Nolan would’ve preferred to drink everything behind the bar than dance in public.

It made you think about the times he danced with you in the kitchen at 3 am when soft music was pouring out of his phone and encapsulating the two of you in your own bubble. Neither of you were ever fully dressed, wearing things that you picked up off of the floor before cooking an entire meal in the middle of the night. Those nights were your favorite, when he did things that only you had the pleasure of experiencing.

It made a familiar feeling stir in your stomach, one that had you pressing the back of your hand to your mouth as you rushed towards the bathroom, passing the line that formed against one of the walls. Karly apologized to everyone who you had unintentionally skipped, though they all waved her off and claimed that you clearly needed it more than they did.

You were relieved when you got inside, able to breathe while also getting the nausea out of your system. Karly stood guard, only opening the door to yell at someone that had been knocking for the past three minutes.

“It’s fucking occupied- Patty?”

“Move.” you coughed at the sound of his voice, your throat constricting in a way that was involuntary. “Karly, seriously-”

“Nolan that’s not a good idea-”

“I can get her to stop.” Karly’s words paused in her throat, uncertainty flowing through her but when she heard you dry heave for the third time, she stepped aside and let Nolan come inside.

He gently pulled your hair out of your hands and grabbed the hair tie around your wrist, throwing your hair into the quickest ponytail he could in order to get it out of your face. His hands fell to your sides, slipping under your shirt without much effort at all and providing your skin with a newfound warmth.

He’d done this before, that much was obvious to Karly with the way you easily melted into his touch. He wasn’t doing much more than Karly could do but she knew that it was the feeling of his hands that grounded you, rather than physical touch in the general sense. If it wasn’t Nolan it wouldn’t have worked, and that gave Karly everything she needed to know about how you felt about her boyfriend’s best friend.

“You’re okay.” he whispered softly, letting you fall back against his chest and curl up into a ball on the floor of a dirty bar bathroom. He rocked you gently, almost unintentionally, while he kissed the back of your head gently. “You’re okay.” he repeated, feeling you relax into his hold afterwards.

Karly was stunned to say the least. She had never seen you react like that to anybody, let alone when they were that close to you. She was used to seeing you shove Joel or Travis away from you when they tried to baby you, claiming that you could hold your own and didn’t need them to help you through things. But here you were, melting into Nolan’s hold without a second thought.

“Thank you.” you whispered gently, despite the fact that Nolan was inherently the reason you were in this position. He didn’t know that, assuming your physical reaction to be from the alcohol you had consumed.

“I’m going to go get you some water.” Karly whispered softly before slipping out of the room, but not leaving until she threatened anyone else that tried to usher you out of the bathroom.

“You didn’t have to do that you know?” it was soft and broke through a thick silence after Karly had left, but it was enough for Nolan.

“I know I didn’t, but I care about you and I know that Karly’s clueless when it comes to things like that.” you laughed, one that came out more bitter than you had originally intended it to. Nolan’s ears perked up, his face twisting in confusion. “What?”

“Nothing, you’re just holding me in a bathroom right now while your girlfriend is waiting for you to return.” Nolan groaned, annoyed that you had to ruin a good moment by mentioning Mackayla. He shouldn’t have been surprised, but he wished that just once he could have a conversation without you mentioning her.

“Alright well if you want me to leave, I can.” he stood up, brushing off his jeans and turning towards the door before you were on your feet and pulling away from it.

“Do you love her?” his brow furrowed, confusion written into his features as he tried to figure out why you would ask him such a thing. His silence gave you hope, made you believe that there was a possibility that maybe he didn’t love her.

“Why would you-”

“Do you still love me?” it hit him like a thousand bricks, like he had walked straight into a wall and knocked himself out. He’d never told you that he loved you, despite the fact that he definitely did. You had never told each other that you felt that way, though now you think maybe that would have changed things between the two of you. “I only ask because-”

“Just, don’t. Don’t this to me, y/n. I can’t handle this again.” you wondered if the sound you heard was his heart cracking, breaking in his chest at a simple question. You wondered if you had messed things up by being too scared, by living in fear rather than taking things that you wanted.

“I love you.” you felt your shoulders fall, shedding themselves of the weight they held onto for so long. “I love you so much it hurts, and everyone thinks it’s just because I’m in love with your girlfriend. They think that when i’m looking at you, i’m looking at her and while it’s a great coverup for the real issue at hand, it’s almost worse. Because in a way, I guess I am. I want to be her, I want to be in her place. I want to kiss her because at least I'll get to taste your lips again. At least if I listen to her go on and on about her weekend plans then I can keep up with your life from someone other than Tk.”

It was a lot, a lot of things you’d wanted to say for longer than you could recount, but now it was too much. It was too much to dump on Nolan in a bar bathroom where you had just previously been throwing up. It wasn’t ideal, and it was probably disgusting, but you need to get it out now. Now or never, right here in the bathroom where Nolan’s girlfriend stood not too far outside of it.

“Y/n-”

“Just tell me you love me. Tell me i’m not crazy because I think you look at me the way you should be looking at her. I think that whatever you have with her is probably great, but it’s nothing like what we had. She’s not me, Nolan. I know she’s not.”

“That’s the problem! She’s not you, and that’s good for me. She’s good for me. She doesn’t hide me, doesn’t shove me into her room when her best friend comes knocking on the door. She doesn’t hide my jerseys in the back of her closet or stay ten feet away from me in public. She’s not you, but that’s not an accident.” your heart sank, not only at the words ringing in your ears but the steam pouring out of his ears. The way that he was looking at you, like you’d ruined him, made your stomach twist. It was awful, to have him stand in front of you and not understand that all you wanted was him.

“Nolan please-”

“Please what, y/n? Haven’t we already had this conversation? You want me to help you but I'm telling you I can’t do that. I can’t keep running into bathrooms when you’re throwing up and I can’t hold your hand when your anxiety bubbles up and you can’t be around people anymore. I can’t do this for you anymore y/n. Yes, I love you. I love you but it hurts in a way that love should not hurt. I shouldn’t wake up every morning feeling like i’ve lost a part of me that i’ll never get back. I should be able to have a girlfriend without worrying about what my ex thinks, how she feels about me. I shouldn’t have to worry about your feelings anymore because you didn’t worry about mine when I was begging you to stop making me sneak around with you.”

“I didn’t mean for-”

“I don’t care anymore, honestly. I don’t care what you meant to do. All I'm asking you to do is to leave me alone and let me move on with my life. You had your chance, you had me right in front of you, telling you that you were the one for me, you were it, and you threw it away. You broke my heart and kicked me to the curb because you didn’t care what I wanted. So now i’m telling you that I don’t care what you want. I want you to stay away from me.”

The image of him walking out of the bathroom felt a lot like the night he walked out of your apartment. The way he slammed the door in your face, leaving you behind with wet cheeks and an ache in your chest that made it hard to breathe. It wasn’t any different from last time, but you were determined to change it from here on out.

You walked out of the bathroom after splashing water on your face, walking straight up to the bar and ordering three shots of tequila. Three shots that Karly watched him place in front of you from her place across the room as panic coursed through her. She shoved Travis to the side and did her best to reach you in time, dragging Joel along with her but it was too late. You had already tipped back two of the shots by the time they got there, and just as they slammed into the side of the bar, you lifted your third in a mock cheer before downing it.

“Let’s go have some fun, yeah?” you grabbed Karly’s hands and pulled her to the middle of the room to dance with you.

Karly wasn’t sure if she should be careful around you, if you had things that you wanted to air out or if you wanted to bury everything. She wasn’t sure exactly what happened with you and Nolan, and she wasn’t entirely sure how she was supposed to help you. So she let you drink. She made sure that Joel would be ready to take you home when you needed to go, and she let you do almost anything in between.

Joel was the one that cut you off, paying for your tab and pulling you away from a guy you were trying to hustle drinks from in favor of taking you home. He labeled you as gone enough to go home and when he was met with a drunken smile, he knew he made the right decision.

He kept an arm around you when you said goodbye to everyone, and pretended not to notice the way you skipped right over Nolan on your way out. Karly made him promise to call her as soon as he had gotten you home. He let you lean against him on the walk to his car and made sure all of your limbs were safely placed inside before shutting the door.

“You have a good night?” Joel asked about a minute or so into the drive, watching you gaze longingly out of your window. You nodded gently, which was slightly off putting but somehow enough for Joel to stop pushing it.

“She’s so pretty.” Joel’s ears perked up, attention shifting over to you at the sound of your voice. “Great smile, big blue eyes that you can’t help but stare out. Her accent can get annoying but it’s cute in a weird way.”

Joel laughed gently, thinking that your rambling was a drunk confession that his skepticism had been correct, that he had sniffed you out easier than you had expected him to. But then you spoke again, and it took everything in him not to slam on the brakes in the middle of the street.

“Maybe if I had her long blonde hair or her magic touch, he’d want me just as much.” he felt his heart sink into his stomach, realization dawned on him more and more as time progressed.

All this time, he’d been teasing you about the stupid crush he thought you had on Nolan’s girlfriend. He thought the glances and the heavy sighs were directed towards the blonde girl when in all reality, they were directed at his teammate. It made sense, how you and Nolan seemed to start acting strange around the same time. He wouldn’t hear from either of you for hours at a time, when nobody knew where either of you were.

It made sense why you stopped coming to games, why you stopped accepting invitations to go out with everyone. He realized now, that he’d made a big mistake. By thinking that you had a thing for Mackayla, every mere mention of the girl must have brought a sick feeling to your stomach. He mentioned her and Nolan all the time, and had unintentionally hurt you in the process.

“Do you think he would?” you turned toward Joel, hand falling onto his arm while your eyes blurred with a thin layer of tears. He looked down at you, so fragile and small in his passenger seat, and softened. He couldn’t help but think he helped put you in this position, but he could make sure he never did it again.

“I think he’d be an idiot not to love you just the way you are.” you rolled your eyes but the smile that stretched across your lips was enough for him. You shoved him playfully, letting a laugh pass your lips afterwards.

Something twisted in his stomach, seeing you laugh beside him in his passenger seat. You looked beautiful despite the drunken haze and the way your eyes could hardly stay open. It wasn’t the first time Joel had seen you like this but he hoped it wouldn’t be his last either.

“Careful, Beezer. You’re going to get my hopes up.” his heart sank again, the smile slowly fading from your lips before you slipped into a light sleep. He was furious that anybody would hurt you like this, let alone someone that he was so close to. He didn’t know how he didn’t sniff this out sooner, but he was determined to never let it go unnoticed again.

Joel kept a close eye on you then. He made sure not to invite you to things when Mackayla was already set to attend. He kept conversation topics about Nolan in the ‘do not mention’ box, only mentioning him if he was a vital part to the story he was telling. Joel went through your closet and replaced every single Patrick jersey with a Farabee one, claiming that you can’t keep showing up to the games with a simple flyers hoodie that was practically on its last leg.

You noticed the small changes, noticed that Joel was doing his best to keep you out of harm's way. You assumed he must have told Travis enough for him to stop mentioning your alleged crush on Mackayla. One thing you were sure of was the fact that you wouldn’t have made it this far without Joel. He showed up with takeout when he knew you’d gone all day without eating, and put on your favorite movie without asking.

Essentially, he was himself, dialed up to eleven. He made sure you never had to go anywhere by yourself if you didn’t want to. It was clear that Mackayla wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and you were far too close with the rest of the team to let Nolan indirectly stop you from having fun with your friends.

You went into the night thinking that it would be a good stepping stone for you to accept the fact that Mackayla would be around more often whether you liked it or not. You got ready with Karly, pulling on the tight leotard and the bunny ears that matched. It was a ridiculous outfit, but it was worth it when Joel walked into your apartment with his arms outstretched beside him and a pipe hanging from his lips loosely.

“Where’s my bunny?” you wiped a stray tear from your waterline, your laughter tumbling further into an uncontrollable fit. You knew these costumes would be ridiculous but seeing Joel in a velvet robe and a sailor’s hat was far more comical than you originally expected.

“Hi Hughie.” you kissed his cheek gently, heating up the patch of skin unintentionally. You didn’t notice the way his eyes lingered on the skin of your exposed thighs, nor did you see the way his eyes followed you when you turned around, back facing him.

“You ready?” you nodded gently and told Travis he did a good job, despite the fact that his and Karly’s prisoner costumes were just orange jumpsuits.

Karly brought her lips close to your ear when Nolan and Mackayla arrived, making a passive comment about how you and Joel looked ten times better than that. It made you think about last halloween, where you ended up leaving Claude’s with Nolan, only to wake up the next morning with a trail of marks down your neck and a mess of makeup you had forgotten to take off before falling asleep.

You shook the thought out of your head, deciding that it wasn’t worth it. You were thankful that Joel stayed close to you all night, eliminating the possibility of you ever being locked in a room with just Nolan and/or Mackayla. He didn’t stop you from tossing back one too many white claws and kept guard in front of the door when you used the bathroom.

He didn’t stop you from standing on a table beside Tk, elbows hooked together while you raced to down your can faster than him. He hip checked Karly when she tried to distract you to give her boyfriend the win, and he grabbed onto both of your thighs when you wobbled on the slightly unsteady surface.

Your hands fell to grab onto his shoulders in an attempt to steady yourself, thankful for the way he had no intention to let you fall. He smiled up at you with a smile that said he knew you were just past the point of being able to keep your balance. You’d lost count of how many white claws you’d been handed throughout the night, but the close eye he kept on you told him how much more you’d be able to handle before the night was over.

Joel wrapped his arms around your legs and lifted you off of the tabletop, only loosening them enough for you to slide down to stand on your feet. When your feet hit the floor, you were painfully aware of how close you were to Joel, feeling his breath fan over your face and struggling to keep your eyes locked on his.

In all the time you’ve known Joel, you’ve never felt the fuzzy feeling that was currently residing in your chest. You’d never thought about your relationship all that much. The two of you spent time together because it felt natural, it was easy to fall into a routine with him without even realizing it. In another world, you’d let Joel break down your walls. You’d probably help him, hammering them down all on your own if it meant that he looked at you like that for the rest of your life.

But this wasn’t a perfect world, and you couldn’t do that. No matter how much you tried to soak in the way that Joel was looking at you, the way he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes off of you or pry his hands off of your sides, you were reminded of the fact that he wasn’t Nolan.

You cleared your throat, eyebrows furrowing for just a second before you started tripping over your words. “I, uh-”

“Beezer!” Joel’s hands fell back to his side, eyes snapping up to follow the sound of his name only to find Morgan and Phil beckoning him over in their direction.

“I should uh-”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah, go. Don't fall off any tables.” he laughed gently and pressed a soft kiss to your temple before walking past you, leaving you with a burning feeling in both of your hips and now the spot of your temple that was still warm from his lips.

You quickly shook it off by the time that Karly popped up beside you with an unopened white claw, swinging it in front of your face and smiling brightly when you snatched it out of her hold. Unbeknownst to you but not flying under Karly’s radar, was the boy with bright blue eyes and shoulder length hair that had been watching you longer than he should have been.

Karly sent him a firm glare while your back was to him, silently testing him while also warning him. He rolled his eyes, unsure of when she had figured things out or what she had heard. He was sure you told a skewed version of the truth, surely roping Karly into believing Nolan was the spawn of satan. In all actuality, Karly didn’t think that. She thought that the things you told her about Nolan were great, and she knew you deserve someone like that. She did, however, know that you were also hurt by the things that Nolan had been doing and saying recently, and she’ll be damned if she lets him hurt you again.

So she kept an eye on Nolan all night, she made sure that he kept his distance from you while also trying to figure out what was going on between you and Joel. You leaned just a little further into him than you normally would and he seemed to always have a hold on you, whether it be his hands on your hips or an arm thrown over your shoulders.

The first time she could ask about it was when the two of you were dancing, not the only ones in the room but you were surely the only one that could hear her over the music. She wrapped her arms around your neck and brought her lips close to your ear to help drown out the sound to everyone else while also trying to eliminate the possibility of raising suspicion.

“So you and Beezer?” you smiled fondly, not even realizing that a toothy grin spread across your lips at the sound of Joel’s name.

“He’s just my best friend, K.” she rolled her eyes, unconvinced that’s all it was. She casted her eyes over your shoulder, catching the eyes of none other than the boy dressed as Hugh Hefner.

“I’d say the way he’s looking at you right now is not how I look at my friends. It is, however, the way I look at my boyfriend after being teased all night long.” you turned over your shoulder, catching Joel’s eyes with your own. He pushed a smile forward, one that eventually turned into a short laugh before he looked back at Morgan who was talking about something he had lost track of a while ago.

“We’re just friends.” Karly hummed, unconvinced but dropping the subject nonetheless.

If you weren’t thinking about it beforehand, now it would have been impossible to stop thinking about Joel. maybe it was the fact that you could still feel his hands on your hips, or the fact that almost every time you looked at him he was already looking at you. It felt impossible to stop thinking about him, to turn your mind off and stop thinking. It sucked, the dull ache finding its way back to your chest because no matter how much you were thinking of Joel, you couldn’t stop subconsciously looking for Nolan.

The way he didn’t have his arm slung around Mackayla’s shoulders like always brought a whisper of a smile to your face. She was talking to Jake about something that he looked amused over, whether it was the topic of their conversation or her hand gestures that amused him you weren’t sure of. He was hardly looking at her, opting to stare into his cup or up at Travis when he nudged him hard enough to grab his attention.

But then he looked up at you, holding eye contact with you for longer than either of you should have. His knuckles were white, his cheeks tinted red in a way that made you dizzy. You remembered a time when you’d smile at the sight of them, run your fingers over them and probably kiss them softly. Nolan would tell you to leave them alone, to ignore that they were even there but he didn’t mind when they made you smile like that.

It took you back to a time where you could cock your head to the side and ask him to meet you in the bathroom. There’d be rushed kisses and whispered affirmations, words that nobody outside of the two of you were ever going to hear but it didn’t matter because Nolan was the one saying it all to you.

But you couldn’t do that now. You couldn’t meet him upstairs or back at your apartment afterwards. He’d be going home with his girlfriend and you’d be going home alone. It was the harsh fact that you had been trying to accept for months at this point, but it didn’t hurt any less than it did the first time you saw Mackayla and realized that no matter how much you wanted to hate her, you couldn’t.

You took a deep breath and broke eye contact, opting to turn your focus to downing the rest of your drink before walking into the kitchen to grab another. You’d love to say that you were surprised when you heard the door open after you had shut it, but you weren’t. In fact, you’d be surprised if it hadn’t opened.

“Is there something going on with you and Beezer?” you fought back a laugh that sat in the back of your throat. Of course that’s what he cared about. Of course, even after all this time, he was still worried about what you were doing and who you were doing it with.

“Would there be a problem if there was?” you turned over your shoulder, not missing the way he had to peel his eyes off of your backside. Though, you couldn’t blame him for it. You look good in the black leotard and you were sure it wasn’t the first time tonight that he looked at you like that.

“So there is?” you rolled your eyes and turned back to your drink that was practically finished. You took a deep breath and exhaled through your nose, bringing the cup to your lips to take a large gulp of it before you turned back around and made a break for the exit.

“No, Nolan. There’s nothing going on between Joel and I but it’s not exactly your place to grill me if there was.” you went to give him a firm pat on the shoulder but he gripped your wrist lightly, turning you just enough so he could look at you properly.

“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?” the look of confusion mixed with hurt that took over your face filled him with regret. You had never done anything that should have given him the notion that you’d ever lie to him, but he felt the need to ask regardless. Now that he had, he had his answer and he wished he had just kept it to himself.

“Things would be a lot easier between us if I was able to lie to you.” despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, there wasn’t enough time for you to explain your words to him before you were walking past him and out of the kitchen.

The alcohol swimming through your system had your eyes burning before the door had even shut behind you and while Nolan didn’t follow you out right after, that didn’t stop Joel from grabbing your hand and tugging you away from the room.

“I was just about to go in. I saw him follow you in there, are you okay?” he could tell you were in a bit of a daze. It was evident in the way your eyes didn’t meet his right away, the way that your breathing was slightly irregular and the way that when you looked up at him, he could tell you were still out of it.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah i’m okay.” he nodded slowly despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely convinced and agreed to dance with you when one of your favorite songs came on.

It felt like the night was never ending at this point. You’re not sure what time it was or how many white claws you had downed, but that was obvious by the way you were stumbling around the Giroux house. Joel hardly trusted you to go to the bathroom by yourself with the way you were stumbling everywhere.

He was persistent in walking behind you up the stairs, holding out his hands to stop you from falling backwards. He wasn’t much more sober than you were, but he was clearly handling it a lot better than you were. You tried to ignore the sinking feeling in your chest when he said he was going to wait outside for you, but then he offered to sit on the edge of the tub and while it was far from the thing you should have done, you were certain that you would mess up somewhere if you did it all on your own.

One thing you had forgotten about was the outfit you were wearing, and the fact that you practically had to strip in order to use the bathroom. So, with a low groan and a drunken laugh, you told Joel he had to stand in the shower while you peed, curtain closed and all. He did though, stand in the shower and stare at the tiled walls while he asked you if you were having a good night, all things considered.

When he heard the sink turn on and your voice telling him he could come back out, the shower curtain slid to the side and he stepped back out, a smile gracing his lips when he locked eyes with you in the mirror. He bumped your hip with his gently and gasped when you splashed water at him from the faucet, splashing you back without any hesitation.

“Oh that was a grave mistake, Farabee.” his eyebrows shot up, a silent questioning sitting on the tip of his tongue before he repeated his actions.

Somewhere along teasing comments and a few more splashes, the laughter dulled down and the faucet was turned off. Joel’s eyes were trained on you though, the alcohol in his system lowering his subtlety in the way he raked your body up and down. It wasn’t subtle and it sent a chill down your spine, the fact that he was openly checking you out unapologetically.

He leaned closer, or maybe you leaned closer, it was unclear who made which move first and who was just simply following suit but within mere seconds, your lips were pressed against Joel’s. His hands found the back of your thighs with ease and lifted you up onto the countertop, giving him the ability to press his lips further into yours.

You got caught up in the heat of the moment. The way his lips felt against yours felt so familiar, like you had kissed him in another life. It felt easy and natural, and right. It was unlike anything you’d ever experienced, even holding his head in yours while you kissed him back just as feverishly.

You were in a daze until he pulled his lips back from yours and pressed them against the skin of your neck, making a path of his own on the way down to the spot of your neck that met your shoulder. Maybe it was the fact that he settled in an all too familiar spot of your neck, or the way that his hands couldn’t seem to hold enough of you, but you ripped out of the moment. Everything around you started coming back, reminding you of what you were doing in the bathroom of a Halloween party where all of your friends were just downstairs.

“Joel.” you whispered softly, trying to get a firm grip on reality rather than allowing yourself to get lost in the boy that was still nipping and sucking at your skin.

“Yeah baby?” the rasp in his voice sent a shockwave through your body, making your head fall back ever so slightly at the same time a low whine passed your lips.

“We can’t do this.”

“Why’s that?” he switched sides, grabbing the underside of your jaw and turning your head enough to give him access to the other side of your neck.

“Because we can’t Joel. you’re my best friend-”

“Oh bullshit.” he pulled back then, pupils blown out and lips slightly swollen. Red tinted his cheeks and the soft pants rolling past his lips mimicked the way his mind was racing. “Haven’t you heard anyone say that falling in love with your best friend is the best decision you can make?” your heart fell into your stomach, your shoulders slumping at the sound of his question.

Falling in love? You didn’t think Joel was anywhere near in love with you. You’d guess maybe a crush or some surface level feelings but full blown love? There was something holding you back, not allowing you to get to that point with anyone after what you’d been through. You couldn’t just forget about all of it as if it hadn’t happened, as if it didn’t still affect you.

“Say something.” the desperation in his voice killed you, somehow breaking your heart even further. The way his lust clouded vision turned to one of pleading tugged at your heartstrings in a way that had you speaking before you could even think about it.

“I still love him, Bee.” Joel’s head fell then, his hands moving to grip the edge of the counter on either side of you as he tried to catch his breath. “Joel-”

“Don’t bother. I get it. It’s always going to be Patty, right?” he looked up at you, hoping that you’d rush to tell him that’s not what you meant, but that never came.

Instead you bit your lower lip, chewing the anxiety away as you tried to find the words to describe the situation. By the time you could think of anything worth saying, Joel was already turning the knob and slamming the door shut behind him. The sound made you jump just before you leaned back against the mirror, trying to rid yourself of the mess you just made for yourself.

Joel rushed down the stairs in search of something to drink, anything that would save him from his mind. He couldn’t stop replaying it over in his head, the way your hands felt on the sides of his face or locked in his hair. The way your lips felt against his or the way you reacted to his touch. He couldn’t get the sight of your blown out pupils and swollen lips, two things he had caused, out of his head. He couldn’t get you out of his head.

When he found Phil and Morgan passing a flask back and forth, he held his out for it and downed about half of it before Phil tried to swat it away from his lips, noticing something severely wrong with Joel. None of them noticed you jog down the stairs and bolt out back, in search of fresh air and a space where there weren’t many people around.

“You alright Beezer?” Phil asked just before tipping the flask enough to take a swig from it.

“Other than the fact that I may have just fucked everything up, I’m fine.” Morgan realized what he meant first, given that he’d heard Joel talk about you more often than anyone else on the team. Morgan was the one he went to when he couldn’t go to you, this being one of their main conversation topics.

“What did you do?” Joel’s eyes lingered on Morgan for a bit and when he pushed out a heavy sigh to procrastinate the words he was about to say, he only allowed the time for Nolan to walk past him just in time to hear everything he was going to say.

“I think I almost slept with y/n.” Nolan came to a screeching halt behind him, eyes snapping to meet Phil’s who was completely clueless to the tension currently building up.

“You what?” Joel’s neck practically snapped with how quickly he turned over his shoulder, coming face to face with the broody boy who was seething right in front of him.

“Nothing. I uh, that came out wrong.” Nolan didn’t believe him though. With the way Joel was stumbling over his words and avoiding eye contact, Nolan knew there was something worth digging into.

Nolan walked away from the three of them, eyes scanning the room, no doubt in search of you. His fists were clenched and his focus was completely thrown off. He had forgotten about everything else going on around him, everyone else that stood inside of the house.

He saw you through the sliding glass door, a smile sitting on your face that he knew held no weight to it. He knew that whatever Jake was telling you was probably funny, but he knew there were other things on your mind. Both because he knew you well enough to know when something was on your mind but also because he had just heard Joel say that there was something for you to be thinking about.

He yanked the back door open, not caring for a single second if it slammed open or shut, or if it even shut at all behind him. He didn’t care if he was attracting attention to himself or if he was about to accidentally air out a bunch of dirty laundry for not only himself, but you and Joel as well.

“So you’re a liar now?” your head turned at the loud voice calling out to you from the opposite side of the yard, worry and fear intertwining in the back of your mind.

“What are you talking about?” Jake and Claude had forgotten what their conversation was even about by the time Nolan was halfway across the yard, anger clearly written into his expression.

“You fucked Beezer?” your eyes blew wide open, along with the two men at your side that were rudely interrupted by a false accusation.

“No! What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about whatever happened between you and Beezer that you told me was surely not happening.” you rolled your eyes now, more annoyed with the fact that he was digging this deep into something he had no business knowing about rather than the fact that he was yelling at you in front of your families.

“Why do you even care, Nolan?”

“He’s my teammate! How am i supposed to play on a line with him when i know he’s-”

“He’s what?” you stood up now, standing face to face with the boy who was clearly causing a scene. Even the people still standing inside were watching through the door that still hadn’t shut from Nolan’s dramatic exit/entrance.

“He’s touched you!”

“It was just a kiss for fuck’s sake!” Joel wouldn’t admit that his heart sank at the comment. What was ‘just a kiss’ to you was much more to him. It was everything he’d wanted to for as long as he could remember, but he’d keep that to himself too.

“It’s the principle!” his words irritated you. He was irritating you. You’re not sure how it was his business to know, let alone who gave him the right to be mad about it.

“You’re not my boyfriend, Nolan!” he clenched his fists at the fact. He knew that, he was painfully aware of that. All it did was remind him that the girl he wanted more than anything wouldn’t meet him halfway.

“Well that doesn’t mean he can be!”

“And why the hell not?”

“Because i’m still in love with you!” it was bad timing, truly. In theory, someone probably should have stopped her from stepping outside while the two of you were fighting, but nobody did. Nobody stopped Mackayla from hearing everything that Nolan said, everything that he had denied to her for as long as they’d been together, and they didn’t stop her from walking out into the backyard just as her boyfriend was confessing his love for another girl.

You deflated at the sight of her, shoulders slumping when you realized that you were responsible for two people’s heart breaks tonight. Three if you counted Nolan, but you didn’t. He’d been like this for a long time it seemed and while you wanted to fix that, one thing Nolan was right about was the fact that there was too much damage between the two of you to backtrack now.

“You’re in love with her?” Nolan’s eyes fluttered shut at the sound of her voice, mind racing over all the ways he messed up in the past that led to this moment. His girlfriend of x amount of months was now standing behind him, her heart in her stomach and her cheeks wet as she witnessed her boyfriend confess that he was in love with the girl she’d been worried about for the entirety of their relationship.

“Mack.” he whispered gently, turning around to face the girl who had already given up on him. There was no way he could fix this. He had told her too many times to count that nothing had ever happened between you and him. He promised her that you weren’t somebody she needed to worry about, but he told everyone that it seemed. “Mack I didn’t mean to-”

She turned and ran back into the house before Nolan could even finish his thought. While he wanted to turn around and drill into you for fucking up another thing for him, he knew it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything you weren’t allowed to do and he made a mess for himself. He didn’t walk into a mess you built, didn’t try to fix someone who didn’t need fixing, but he did break two girls who deserved the world.

“Good job.” you mumbled to yourself, bumping his arm with your shoulder when you walked past him and tried to follow Mackayla when he made no effort to.

“Y/n-” you spun at the sound of your name, angry tears building up in your eyes at the look on his face, a look that made you feel guilty for something you were more than allowed to do.

“No! You don’t get to berate me. You don’t get to belittle me or tell me that I made a mistake. I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want to. You left me, remember? You left me and you told me that I needed to let you be happy. I tried, Nolan. I tried so hard to let you be happy and now you’re screaming at me in front of everybody because of what? Because I might be starting to be happy without you? You don’t get to be angry at me for finding a way to fix myself. Just leave me alone.” by the time you passed by everyone who was looking at the floor rather than up at you, you knew that you should leave anyways.

With your phone in one hand and your shoes in the other, you ran outside and sighed at the relief you felt when you found Mackayla sitting on the curb.

“Mackayla!” you ran down the driveway towards her, wincing at the sight of her glaring harshly at you. “Mackayla I’m so sorry.”

She wiped her cheeks and nose and let out a heavy sigh. In reality, she couldn’t be mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong in her mind and you surely weren’t the one that lied to her. Sure, it wasn’t her first choice to hang out with the girl that inherently stole her boyfriend from her, but she also figured that she had stolen your boyfriend in a way so she guessed that made the two of you even.

“He sucks.” you laughed gently and sat beside her, opening your phone while you plopped down on the curb beside her.

“He does.” you paused for a moment before smiling over at her. “You’re staying with him, aren’t you?” she nodded slowly, realizing that she didn’t have anywhere to go or any of her things. “Well I'm about to order an uber if you want to crash at my place for the night. I’ll answer any questions you want and I’ll help you get your shit from his place in the morning.”

She hesitated, clearly not ready to accept your offer with a wide smile and an open mind. She hardly knew you, and she wasn’t ready to forget about all of the things she was beginning to realize about you and Nolan’s relationship.

But she agreed, because she truly had nowhere else to go. She sat at your dining room table with you in a pair of your sweatpants and a shirt you had promised her was not Nolan’s. She drank your coffee out of one of your mugs and asked you every question that had plagued her over the course of her relationship with Nolan. Not all of them were about you, not even all of them were about Nolan, but you answered them all regardless.

You helped her get her things in the morning from Nolan’s and drove her to the airport when she was able to rebook her flight back home. You apologized ten more times and she waved off every one of them by telling you that you didn’t do anything wrong other than be the love of Nolan’s life, which wasn’t your fault entirely.

Karly was there to help pick up the pieces the best that she could, though it was hard with her not always being in Philly. She tried to fill the space in your life that Joel left when he stopped coming around for movie nights and take out dinners. You fully stopped going to Flyers games, finding no use in showing up to them anymore.

Every call you made was sent to voicemail, every text left unread. You were being shut out, and you couldn’t do anything about it. Travis tried to assure you it wasn’t your fault, you just didn’t notice your best friend falling in love with you because you were trying to fall out of love with his teammate. He told you to just give Joel time, but you were stuck believing that ‘time’ may never have an ending.

So you threw yourself into your work. You submitted projects before their due dates and received positive feedback on just about every portion of them. It was a healthy coping mechanism, a way to shift your focus onto something productive. You did such a good job, in fact, that your boss called you into his office after a few months.

It was nerve wracking, to be called into your boss’s office with no clues as to why. It was even more nerve wracking after you had left and your hands were slightly shaking. The weight put onto your shoulders was unlike any you’d ever experienced, plagues with a decision to make all on your own. It wasn’t a decision you wanted, not one you had even been close to looking for, but it’s one that you got.

It’s one that lingered in the back of your mind for weeks afterwards, still never reaching a decision. The flexible timeline gave you all the time in the world to decide, and your boss wasn’t pushing you in either direction, though you slightly wished he would have.

But then you told Karly about said decision, and the way you watched her face fall told you that she knew what your decision would be. In all actuality, you knew what your decision was. If you were going to say no, you would have by now. You would have denied the offer and stuck with your current life, boring or not.

You were practically tackled the second you stepped foot in Travis’s apartment, his arms thrown around you as he leaned into you just enough to throw off your balance. Phil followed close behind, wrapping you up in his arms and telling you that you weren’t allowed to disappear for that long ever again. Karly’s sideways glance in your direction went unseen to everyone but you, mostly because you silently told her to drop it, given that now was not the time to be talking about this.

But then you felt your heart sink further into your chest with every passing second. It was nice to be around all the people that made Philly feel like home to you, but it made your decision harder. Not because you had to choose which side you were on anymore, but because it made your choice that much harder to accept.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if Joel wasn’t going out of his way to ignore you. The way he ducked out of your way any time he got close to you, or the way he purposefully stood on the opposite side of the room when the only open seat was beside you. You noticed the way he steered clear of you and while you wanted to be upset that you didn’t have your best friend to make these things easier for you, you knew that Joel was doing this for his own good, not to hurt you.

So you found yourself on Travis’s balcony with Karly, your head leaning on her shoulder while you swung a bottle back and forth between your fingers. The sound of the door opening behind you made you turn over your shoulder, eyes locking with the same pair of blue eyes that you knew you’d have to face at some point.

“I’ll let you two talk.” Karly whispered gently before standing up and ducking back inside.

Nolan closed the door this time, making it a habit in everything he did nowadays. He sat beside you, his knee knocking into yours gently. He didn’t know what to say to you, didn’t know how to apologize for all of the things he had put you through. The two of you had something beautiful once, you’re not sure when it turned itself upside down but it didn’t matter anymore. Not when things were about to change so drastically. Maybe not for him, but definitely for you.

“I’m shocked your lap dog’s not out here.” you rolled your eyes, finding it ridiculous that you thought he would start this conversation on a positive note.

“Why don’t you sit there and i’ll sit here and we can keep to ourselves until one of us wants to go back inside.” he sighed, like he regretted starting off on the wrong foot.

“We can’t even try to be nice to each other?” you turned to him then, giving him a look he hadn’t seen in a long time. It reminded him of times where you’d let the stress from school and work pile up, when you looked at him with an exhaustion that he couldn’t help. It was how you looked right before you stress cried, right before you’d normally turn into his chest and unload everything you’d been holding on to for far too long.

“I’ve tried being nice to you. I’ve tried letting you live your life but the second I started doing that, you stopped letting me live mine. I think you only want me to be happy if you’re the one that’s making me happy and that’s fucked. I lost my best friend over it. I lost the love of my life. It feels like I'm losing everything and I'm starting to think this isn’t the place I need to be anymore.” the latter part of your rant slipped without you even realizing it.

“What are you saying?” you shook your head, chewing on the side of your cheek and deciding not to dive into. Nolan didn’t care, and he was not the person you needed to be talking to about these things.

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

“Y/n. You’ve never been good at opening up but you’re clearly struggling. I know I'm not your first choice right now but I'm the only one that’s here. There was a time when I was your go to person for this sort of thing. So just tell me, what are you talking about?” you stared at him, hesitation evident in the way you were chewing on your tongue.

He was right, though. At one point, he was the person you called when things went wrong. He was the one you unloaded things onto at the end of the day when he asked what was worrying you. You told him your problems, shared your demons with him. If there was anybody who knew how you got when things were ruining you from the inside out, it was Nolan.

“I got a promotion.” a small smile spread across his lips, excitement and pride filling his chest. He always supported your work ventures, and he knew that they were crazy to ever think that you wouldn’t be their top employee sooner or later.

“Y/n that’s great.” you shook your head slowly, heart deflating in your chest before you pushed out the vital information that he hadn’t been looking for.

“It’s in Vancouver.”

He didn’t know what to say. On one hand, he wanted to say no. no, you can’t go to Vancouver. No, you can’t leave Philly behind. No, they don’t need you up there, they need you down here. He wanted to grovel, to fall to his knees and to beg you to stay. Stay in an apartment that he knew like the back of his hand, stay in a city where he knows you’re never too far. He wanted to say that moving to Vancouver was crazy and you’d regret it before you even had time to settle in.

But he couldn’t do that, because the other half of him was louder and logical. You deserved the promotion, deserved the raise that came with it despite where the job was. Nolan knew that Philly held things that you wanted to forget about, reminded you of times in your life that were only painful to think about at this point. You didn’t want to be here anymore, that much Nolan could tell. If you didn’t want to be here, you shouldn’t have to be.

“I think that would be good for you.” it was hard for him to say, tasting just as vile as it was to think about you going to another city.

Would you go to Canucks games? Would he have to see you dressed in blue and green rather than orange and black? Would you start hanging out with the Canucks roster like you did with the Flyers or would you avoid hockey completely? Maybe you’d date one of their players or maybe you’d make sure that anybody even remotely affiliated with hockey stayed far away from you. He didn’t know what the future held for you, but he hoped it was filled with joy and relief from the things you’d endured in Philly.

It hurt you to hear him say it just as much as it hurt him to say it. You could see that there were more thoughts swimming through his mind, that he wasn’t telling you everything he was thinking. Part of you wanted him to beg you to stay, to say that he was single now and everyone knew about the two of you anyway. You wanted him to say that maybe one more shot would finally do the trick, but you knew he wouldn’t and you knew that jumping back into anything with Nolan was far from a good idea.

Then there was Joel. Joel who had feelings for you that you never got the chance to hear about. There was a place for you and Joel, you knew that, but you thought it was unattainable. To be with Joel after everything between you and Nolan, it’d be a catastrophe. There wasn’t a possibility of you going back to being best friends, not when he had feelings for you that weren’t unrequited. You could pour your heart out to Joel, could tell him that you could see yourself falling in love with him if he was willing to be patient with you. But you couldn’t do that either. Not when you had finally come to the conclusion that you needed to move to Vancouver in order to put yourself back together.

That didn’t stop you from looking over your shoulder though, gazing at the boy who was impossible to rid your mind of. His smile made your heart clench, the way his head tilted back and his eyes screwed shut behind his glasses. He was beautiful in every sense of the word and while you loved the sound of a world where the two of you fell in love with zero complications, you knew that you were holding onto false hope.

“You should tell him. I don’t doubt he’ll show up on your doorstep in Vancouver if you don’t.” you laughed gently and turned back to face Nolan, hardly aware of when you had turned away from him. He wore a gentle smile, one that told you that even if you took this step, he would still be here for you. Maybe not in the ways that you previously needed him to be, but there was always room for building a new foundation.

“I will in a bit.” you whispered gently, sinking into your seat and lying your head on Nolan’s shoulder.

You’d miss this; he noisy bunch inside right behind you, the skyline you could see from Tk’s balcony. You’d miss the feeling of being close to Nolan, if only having your head on his shoulder while you sat in silence. You’d miss excitedly running into his apartment with new song recommendations, or him sending you a short playlist he made on the road for you. You’d miss waking up in the middle of the night to him tossing and turning until you brought him painkillers and a tall glass of water.

You’d miss Joel slamming his way into your apartment with a bright smile that meant he was having a dangerous thought. You’d miss the times you’d bring his back to the rink when he forgot it at home, or the way that he brought you lunch on days when you were too busy to send him a simple text that told him you were okay. You’d miss lying your head in his lap and looking up at him with nothing but love in your chest.

You’d miss going to Flyers games and watching your friends do the thing they loved most. You’d miss watching Joel score insane goals that you were always unsure of how he made them. You’d miss wearing Nolan’s Flyers paraphernalia and splitting snacks with Karly.

You’d miss it all, but you had to go. You had to go for you, because Philly isn't home anymore. It would always hold a special place in your heart, but so would all of the people in it. And you knew you needed to lead all of them behind as well.

Even the ones with bright blue eyes that would be burned into your memory for the rest of your life.

[bobathots]

smokescreen

i wrote the first draft of this in a lust-fueled haze in less than 24 hours a few weeks ago and then i watched a movie where tem was just absolutely off the rails h word and my brain went “haha smoking kink go brrrrr again” so literally this is just an excuse for boba to smoke. @jon favreau give him a cigarette u coward mob boss! boba/female reader. smut 18+  ~10k tags: pwp, smoking, oral sex, shotgunning, at one point u give boba a blowjob while he smokes also on ao3

He wasn’t expecting anyone — or at least, he wasn’t expecting you , that much was clear from his body language. You weren’t even sure it was him until you got close enough to see the dim streetlamp cast a familiar shadow across his face, until you could make out his staple leather jacket wrapped around his form. The tip of his cigarette stood out cherry-red in the evening light, hanging loosely between his index and middle finger.  He tensed and turned his head as you approached.

“Boba!” You kept your voice light and even; you didn’t know how to talk to the man at work, much less in a situation like this. You hadn’t exactly expected to come across him in the middle of the night, in a dark alley situated neighborhoods away from where you both worked. But, then again, it wasn’t as if this was part of your normal schedule.

He dipped his head toward you in greeting, then brought his hand up to his face to take a drag from his cigarette. Your gaze remained transfixed on the motion, how he rested his index finger on his tip lip while his hand remained splayed, as if he was trying to hide the action. You spoke before you could think, the words tumbling out of your mouth, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

His inhale sounded like a sigh. Dropping his hand back to his side, he courteously turned his head away from you and exhaled billows of ash-grey smoke from his mouth. “Meant to keep it that way, too.” Oh. You winced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…”

He shook his head as if to waive away your concerns. “Don’t. I’m the one smoking outside in public.”

“At midnight,” you added, knowing that he probably chose this time and place specifically for privacy. Privacy that you were now infringing upon.

“...At midnight,” he echoed, the beginnings of a wry smirk on his lips.

The conversation died out there, but you remained standing next to him, casting your gaze out onto the buildings. Distantly, you could make out drunken conversations from the surrounding busy streets so filled with nightlife, mixed with the occasional prickle of Boba puffing his cigarette. A cool breeze swept through the leaves and across your skin, causing goosebumps to pimple out in response. You hugged yourself tightly, palms wrapped around your bare arms, as if you could chase away the evening chill.

“Speaking of midnight —” You glanced back at Boba; he pinched the end of his cigarette between thumb and forefinger and dropped it to the ground, crushing it underfoot with his heel, “— you shouldn’t be out alone this late.”

“It’s not so bad in this part of town.” It felt weird having your boss express concern for you, as subtle as it was, even if it was in his nature to take care of his own , as he put it. You figured you were more like a blimp on his radar; it wasn’t like you were a crucial employee. You hardly ever needed to interact with him at work. “The streets are always lit,” you continued, “and always crowded.”

“Right. Which is why you decided to go down a dark alley in the middle of the night.”

Heat rose to your face. “Because I thought I saw you!”

He let out a sound which might have been a chuckle — god, it was so hard to tell with him — and he pushed off the building he had been leaning against. “Let me walk you home, then. An apology for causing you to make a stupid decision.”

You can’t tell if he’s being mean on purpose, but regardless, you didn’t want to impose on him. “Boba, it’s okay, there’s no —”

“Start walking,” he ordered. His voice was stern, commanding; the tone he took when giving instructions at work, and that meant there was no room for argument, no wiggle room to barter or bargain. The words yes, sir sat on your tongue, burgeoning with desire, but you swallowed them down back to the pit of your stomach where they belonged.

Another breeze blew in. You shivered, both from the temperature and from Boba’s intense presence, but finally nodded in acquiescence. “It’s not far,” you assured him, turning to walk back the way you came. “Maybe like five minutes or so.” Then, something heavy and warm draped itself over  your shoulders and you paused, turning back once more to look at Boba.

A now jacket-less Boba.

“I...oh. Um. Thanks?”

“Don’t mention it.” He kept walking the direction you set out, leaving you to play catch-up. You took a moment to slide your arms through the sleeves, and it thrilled you to find out just how much extra fabric hung past your hands. Even bunching it up at the wrists caused it to slide down from how loose the jacket sat on your body, so you simply clutched the hems in your palms to keep the fabric from slipping over your fingertips. The rest of it draped over you, his frame much larger than yours, and you felt weirdly protected in his jacket. It smelled like leather and faintly of cigarette smoke, but most importantly it smelled like him, a scent you had no other words for. It was the same smell that lingered in his office long after he’d left, something masculine and oddly comforting. Wearing your boss’ jacket was like being wrapped in a second-hand hug, and you were ashamed to admit how much you liked the idea.

You had to do a little jog to catch up to Boba. Maybe it was the night air, or maybe it was the fact that you had genuine one-on-one time with the man you’d been admiring for so long, but you were suddenly emboldened to nose into his personal life. “So...am I allowed to ask why you don’t smoke with the others?” The “others” you referred to were a sizable group of Boba’s underlings that you often noticed smoking together by the backdoor. 

“Not a social smoker.”

You wouldn’t call Boba a social anything , to be honest. “Okay, so why not in your office? I mean, you spend a lot of time alone there anyway.” You would have remembered if he kept an ashtray or a pack of cigarettes anywhere visible, and his office never smelled like smoke.

Silence stretched out between you. You thought maybe he was done with your invasive line of questioning — after all, this was the first “real” conversation you had had with him that didn’t involve work-related topics — but he spoke up after an elongated pause.

“It’s a nasty habit I can’t kick. I try not to indulge if I can help it.” If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that Boba almost sounded embarrassed at having a vice. “My turn to ask a question.”

“Hm?”

“There a reason you’re leading me through back alleys instead of taking the main streets?” He cast a sidelong glance at you, and even with the glint from the streetlamps you couldn’t place whatever subtle emotion danced in his gaze.

“Oh, uhm. It’s just a faster shortcut,” you said, hesitating despite your honesty. “I...normally don’t feel safe enough to do this at night, but…” The implied since you’re here hung heavy in the air between you. You drew his jacket tighter around your body, relishing in the shield it provided against the chilly evening air.

Seemingly satisfied with your explanation, Boba lapsed into silence beside you. You lead him around a corner and stopped at the base of a sloping hill, turning to face him. “Um, the house I’m renting is just up the road from here,” you started, nerves sitting at the base of your chest. The thought of Boba — your boss , who you were crushing on hard — knowing where you lived? It was almost too much to bear, because you were certain you’d do something stupid like invite him in for a drink, which would naturally lead to you into shamelessly begging him to do unspeakable things to you. You couldn’t. 

Instead, you shrugged off his jacket, internally mourning the loss of warmth and security it radiated. “Thanks again. And thanks for walking me home.”

Boba acknowledged you with a slight dip of his head as he pulled his jacket back around his own shoulders. You gave him what you hoped was a natural and normal smile that didn’t let your nervousness show, and turned to walk up the long sidewalk that led to your ramshackle house.

His gaze burned on your back the entire time, only letting up when you unlocked the door and stepped inside the safety of your home.

The second time had to have been a coincidence, an alignment of your schedules, because you found him at the exact same spot at the exact same time a week later. The only difference was that this time, he was grinding out a cigarette and raising a zippo to light another in the same moment.

You never took him for a chainsmoker.

“Boba —”

“What did I say about walking alone at night?” His tone wasn’t accusatory, necessarily, but neither was it condescending or patronizing. It was almost concerned, if you could call it that.

“I only have the same excuses as last time,” you admitted. He made that noise again, the little huff you’d taken to mean he’s amused, and your chest did a funny little skip in response.

“Means I’m responsible for walking you home again, then.”

“I - no! Not if it’s some sort of imposition. I’ll be fine on my own.”

“I’m sure of that, kid. But,” he paused to inhale, and deeply: his chest visibly expanded to fill out whatever room was left in his leather jacket, and he held it there for a beat, savoring the burn, before he breathed out in one fell swoop. “I’d like to see you safe with my own eyes.”

The white smoke obscured his gaze for just that moment, and all you could see was the bright burning end of his cigarette like a wine stain on a white tablecloth, like a gunshot wound through a white shirt.

You swallowed thickly. “Y-yeah, okay. Thanks, Boba.”

Something like gratitude settled over your shoulders, but there was also something else there, something you didn’t know how to describe. It meant enough to your lovesick heart to know that he cared , at least in some capacity, about your well-being. Enough to walk you home twice .

Even when Boba looked away, gaze on some distant point down the alley, you couldn’t keep your eyes from him. He looked so good , so imposing at all times, and the cigarette only helped add to his appeal. He was every bit like an intimidating mob boss, like he might decide to put his cigarette out on some thug’s eye for mouthing off — and you were only a little ashamed to say that the mental picture made you want to squirm.

At the same time, you could tell there was a different edge to him tonight. Something more coiled and tense, like he had a bundle of energy he needed to burn off and burning a cigarette was the closest he could come.

If he had been savoring it that first night, he was flat out devouring it now. It was aggressive, in a way; how he’d barely let his lungs take in a full breath of oxygen before he filled them with nicotine and tar again.

“You smoke?”

His voice startled you from your thoughts, bringing you clear back to the current moment. “N-no. Why?”

“You keep staring. Made me wonder if you wanted a puff.” He had caught you red-handed in your shameless oogling, and you supposed you should’ve felt embarrassed, but you were too enraptured with the way he spoke with his cigarette hanging from his lips, how the smoke leaked out in little wisps with every word. Deftly, he thumbed the filter to flick ash from the butt and immediately brought it back to his lips again. Your eyes followed every movement. “But it’s a good thing. Don’t start.”

“I hadn’t planned on it,” you said, which was the truth — the truth that existed before you knew Boba was a smoker, anyway. It wasn’t like you had a craving to smoke for smoking’s sake. Instead, you wanted to taste from the same filter that sat in Boba’s mouth, imagining it stained with the imprint of his lips; you wanted to inhale the same smoke that he exhaled and pretend that you were sharing breaths like lovers, or fuckbuddies; you wanted to kiss him and taste the nicotine on his tongue —

— but he was your boss, and a good deal older than you, and he’d never be interested in the first place. Instead, you had resigned yourself to watching him in the act with the hopes that you didn’t give off creepy vibes and that he’d fire you. It’d be best if you could turn your mind away from more unsavory thoughts, you decided. You would rather be a friend to him than someone he cast aside. You figured his stress came from the current negotiations between him and a potential business partner, but said partner was well-established in this area and, to the best of your knowledge, kept raising their “prices.” You didn’t know much about it because it simply wasn’t your job to know, but word did get around. “Are the talks not going well?”

He let out a derisive snort. “Hardly.” He exhaled and smoke escaped through his nostrils, giving him the momentary impression of a dragon. “It’s that obvious, huh?”

“It’s just…” You paused to search for the right words. “You seem very stressed. I thought it might be because of that.”

Boba grunted in response. He held his little nub of a cigarette between forefinger and thumb as the smoldering end continued to eat away at the filter. For a moment, it seemed like he was honestly considering trying to finish it off, but then he breathed out a quiet sigh and tossed the butt to the ground. 

“....So it’s a stress thing, then, huh? The reason you smoke?”

Boba crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his full weight against the building behind him. “Supposed to be,” he answered. “But then I got addicted.”

“You picked up smoking to cope with stress?” You couldn’t keep the incredulity out of your voice if you tried. Your response to stress was just to cry, something arguably way healthier than what Boba was currently doing.

He breathed in deep, then out, and caught the tail-end of a worrisome cough as he exhaled. “Stress used to make me angry,” he explained, taking a moment to clear his throat. “When I was younger, I picked a lot of unnecessary fights, broke a lot of bones.”

“Yours?”

“And others’.” You didn’t miss the uneven slant of his mouth, the slight grin he wore at the admission, as if he was proud . “But it was a dangerous outlet, so I found something else.”

“Like smoking is any less dangerous,” you pointed out.

“A cigarette kills slower than a bullet, kid. And besides, you’re...what, half my age? Maybe more?” He lifted himself off the building and beckoned you to follow him with a jerk of his head. “I’ve been smoking longer than you’ve been alive. There weren’t many other options beside violence or drugs when I was younger.” “Oh. I’m...I’m sorry,” you said lamely, not really knowing how else to respond. “Don’t be.”

He was leading you home, you realized with a start, both amazed and terrified that he remembered the route you showed him exactly once. As you walked, you stayed close to his side; the evening was no less chilly, and even though you were wearing a thin windbreaker of your own, you were still cold. Boba radiated body heat, and you tried to soak up some of his without being in direct contact with him.

“You don’t look stressed,” you offered after a minute of companionable silence. 

He turned to look at you fully, an obvious cue to continue, but his unwavering attention made you nervous, and you started to blabber. “I-I mean, like… just in case you were worried that you were projecting the wrong image. Whenever I see you on base I just think you look so cool and intimidating, so even if these talks are stressing you out, it doesn’t show, and you still look as powerful and scary as ever, and so —”

“Thanks.” His voice made you shut up instantly , though there was no harshness or anger behind his tone. You were glad that he stopped your rambling; you were certain that if you had continued, you would’ve said something you couldn’t come back from.

You stopped at the same place last time, at the base of the hill, and turned to Boba with a slight smile. “Well, thanks again —”

“No, kid.” His hand fell to the small of your back, so big and solid and warm , and for a moment your brain short circuited as you tried to process the contact. “I said I wanted to see you safe with my own eyes. I’ll walk you to your door.”

“Uhh, y-yeah, okay. Yeah. Good. Sounds good to me.” To your surprise, as you started walking again, Boba’s hand remained a constant on your back. Were he any closer, you could pretend he had his arm slung around your waist as if he were a lover, or your boyfriend, your partner — but, desperately, you attempted to put a stop to those thoughts. They were all fantasies, anyway, unreachable things that you were never meant to hope for.

You stopped in front of your house steps. They were shoddy and showed more tear than wear, and the building clearly needed some love and care. It was, however, home , for the foreseeable future.

“Um, this is me,” you said awkwardly. Boba’s hand finally fell from your back, unfortunately not stopping anywhere on the way down, and he glanced up to take in the state of the building. You couldn’t tell if he was impressed or not — his expression was virtually unreadable — and you didn’t want to imagine what he was thinking, or what information he could extrapolate about you based on your residence. “I wanted to say thanks for walking me home. Again.”

“You shouldn’t be walking alone in the first place,” he said in lieu of acceptance, his brows furrowing ever-so-slightly.

“I know, I know, just —” You shuffled awkwardly, half-wanting him to leave, half-wanting to invite him to stay. “Thanks.” You hoped it was obvious that you weren’t just thanking him for seeing you home, but for sharing pieces of himself with you, for allowing you to see the bits of himself he never showed at work.

For a moment, his eyes seemed to look you over, top-to-bottom. He dipped his chin slightly in response. “Get some rest, kid.”

And then he was gone, the phantom touch of his hand hot and heavy on your back.

You formed a ritual together after that.

You’d meet him at the same place every week, always around midnight, and he’d smoke while you had an easy conversation. He smoked depending on his mood: sometimes, it was just one cigarette, enjoyed slowly, the stick held between his fingers more often than his mouth. Other times, he’d smoke multiple in quick succession, never more than three, but always with a sense of quiet urgency, like he wanted to finish them as fast as possible. He’d usually smoke them down to nothing, too, leaving barely anything left to count as litter.

Consequently, you grew closer to him than your schedule at work would ever have allowed. Some nights, the conversation would stick to work or work-adjacent topics. Other nights, you’d talk about more personal things, like when Boba revealed how his father died and you stepped in to overshare about your own sob-story childhood — but no matter the topic, there was a general acknowledgement that your relationship had Shifted, with a capital s . The dynamic between you two was no longer strictly boss and employee, but neither was it just a friendship. It was something precarious, dangling over the edge, desperate for something to disrupt it.

And you were desperate to keep it there. Sure, Boba had gotten a little more physical with you in the sense that he always had a hand or an arm touching you as he took you home, and maybe he gave you his jacket more often than not these chilly evenings, but otherwise he was still...Boba. Still kind of hard to read, still a little emotionally closed off, and most definitely not into you. It sucked, but you had learned to be content with the crumbs you got, and it came with the added bonus of having a secret together that no one else at work knew about. It wasn’t scandalous, or taboo, but it definitely felt a little gratifying knowing that you got to see a side of the boss that most everyone else wouldn’t know existed.

Your weekly meeting was a ritual. A sacred thing.

Until it wasn’t.

One night, Boba simply wasn’t there .

His silhouette was missing . There was no figure leaning against the building, there was no cherry-red glow of cigarette embers, there was no one.

You checked your phone: just a little past midnight. Was he sick? Or busy? He had your number for work-related reasons, so surely he would have texted you if —

But why would he? It wasn’t like this was anything serious , right? It wasn’t a meeting he needed to cancel, or a failed date you could excuse your way out of. This was just… a thing . A repeated thing with a date and a time and a place, sure, but…

Nonetheless, you found yourself drawn to your phone, the screen casting a soft blue glow across your face as you waited for a notification to pop up over your messaging app. You wouldn’t call yourself a romantic, but surely expecting a courtesy message wasn’t beyond whatever little ritual you had going on, right? At least, as your employer, he could treat it like —

A hand grabbed your shoulder. On reflex, you twisted around and flailed your arm wildly, hoping to hit whatever would-be assailant in a place that would hurt.

He caught the fist you carelessly slung in one broad hand, his fingers wrapped around your wrist tight to hold it in place.

“ Boba! ” you gasped, both relieved and irritated at the same time. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

  He let your hand slide from his grasp, and if you were in the right mind to pay attention, you would have noticed how he purposefully let his fingertips ghost longer on your skin, how they ran from your wrist to fingers instead of dropping away outright. “Don’t stand oblivious in an alley. At least keep moving if you’re alone.”

You slid your phone back into your front pocket. “I was waiting for you . I didn’t think you were coming.”

At that, he raised an eyebrow ever-so-slightly. “Wasn’t aware I could be late.”

And, well — he was right. This was his thing, after all, his late-night smoke break that he just happened to be so kind as to let you participate as a spectator. Of course he could change his mind, of course he wouldn’t think to let you know. It was your fault for getting attached and thinking it was something more —

“You should stop walking alone so late at night.” Boba was close , you realized. The brief panic earlier had drawn you two together and you hadn’t parted very far, your chests merely inches from each other. It was closer than you had ever been to him before, at least face-to-face, and as a consequence he spoke quieter, his voice coming out as more of a husky rumble than an actual vocalization.

“I’ll stop when you stop smoking,” you countered, your mind too focused on your proximity to Boba to filter your words properly. You were worried he might pick up the true meaning, that it was the act of Boba smoking that lured you to him each week, but instead he huffed out a chuckle.

“We’ll see about that, princess.”

Princess . That was... oh . It sounded like a proper pet name, and the realization made a rush of heat go to your face.

“P-princess?” you finally squeaked out. “Really?”

“You’re spoiled often enough,” Boba said plainly, though the hint of a grin pulling at his lips made you realize he was teasing you.

Something overwhelmingly warm and pleasant tugged at your heart, replacing practically every negative feeling you’d experienced in the past ten minutes. “I’m spoiled, huh? How am I spoiled?”

“You usually get what you want.”

You hummed at that, trying to think of something he might be referencing. He didn’t interact with you much at work, and typically it was usually the opposite in your experience. “I don’t think so,” you finally said, drawing up blanks.

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

Oh.

Oh.

You hadn’t considered that maybe he kept up with the ritual for your sake. Maybe he didn’t smoke at the same time and at the same place on a weekly basis, but instead decided to show up because you expected him there. Because that made sense.

Guilt ate at your heart, replaced quickly by a sense of affection.

It meant he enjoyed your talks, then, right? That he at least enjoyed your company? You couldn’t think of anyone he might just hang out with other than Fennec, and even then, you couldn’t picture him going through the trouble of all of this just to talk with her.

“Boba…” Tentatively, you reached out and placed your palms against his chest, looking up at him. He smelled like leather and smoke and himself , and you were so close that if you wanted, you could… you could….

Thunder crackled sharply overhead, and you jumped back in pure surprise. Boba’s hands came to settle around your elbows, keeping you from fully peeling away.

“Oh, fuck,” you breathed. Ozone filled your nose — the threat of rain.

“Didn’t think it was supposed to storm tonight,” Boba admitted, and the change in weather made disappointment surge through your veins. You doubted he was the type to enjoy smoking while soaking wet, meaning you’d likely have to call it quits for tonight.

Unless…

“You could…” Oh, god. You already knew that the offer would be a mistake, but you swallowed down the nervous lump in your throat. “You could smoke. In my house. If you wanna.”

He regarded you quietly. “If I want, huh?”

“I-if you want,” you repeated. “But would a ‘please’ help influence your decision?”

“No.” And oh, that made your heart drop in your chest — but then he curled a finger under your chin and applied enough pressure to keep you gazing up at him. “But I want to hear one anyway.”

You couldn’t look away if you wanted to. There was something in his eyes that had you absolutely mesmerized , something burning like the smoldering end of a cigarette. God , you wanted to fucking kiss him. “Will you please come to my house?”

His lips curled into a small, self-satisfied smirk that bordered on a grin. The way he allowed you to see a flash of teeth seemed almost predatory , and it made you want to run away, or run toward him. “I’m not in the mood to get soaked,” he finally said. “Let’s go.”

You thought he would pull away from you entirely, leave you wanting and waiting,  but instead his arm curled itself around your waist to pull you against the warmth of his side. The gesture was so obviously possessive that it made your heart swoon . You tentatively leaned into him, a hand braced on his chest, but he took your weight easily, as if it were nothing.

The walk to your house was usually a quick affair, a five minute walk at most . Yet, now it felt like you were getting there at a snail’s pace, your body and brain hyperaware of your surroundings, dragging the walk out into one long punishment. Boba’s hand had slipped underneath the hem of your shirt to touch bare skin and it burned with promise. His body was so warm, and so solid, and he smelled so good that you just wanted to bury your face in his chest and just breathe. 

To anyone else, you would’ve looked like a typical drunk couple enjoying the evening together. You were invisible, and that knowledge made you almost giddy . He was no longer your boss and you weren’t his employee. The circumstances of your relationship didn’t matter, and for a moment you could pretend that you two were just —

Well, that you two were something together. Something with a future.

Too held up in your thoughts, you didn’t notice the pebble in your path, and you caught your foot on it and stumbled. Boba’s arms wrapped around you before you could pitch forward and he dragged you up to hold you against his chest, one strong arm braced around your middle. “Easy.”

His lips were right by your ear, so close that his voice had come out as barely more than a low rumble. You instinctively tensed in his arms, one hand resting atop his own, and turned your head back to look at him.

Christ , you were impossibly close. The angle meant that there were scant few inches separating you from him, and that a small adjustment would be enough to allow your lips to brush his, to allow you to have a taste of him that you’ve craved these past few months —

Thunder boomed overhead and you startled in his arms, enough so that you jerked away from him. You gave a nervous laugh moreso to assure him that nothing was actually wrong than anything else. The first few fat drops of rain splattered your skin, shockingly cold, and you both looked up at the sky in unison.

“We’d better hurry,” you suggested, knowing how easily torrential rain began in storms like these.

You reached for his hand this time, settling your small hand in the palm of his own, but it was Boba that pulled you along to your house with a renewed sense of urgency as rain began to darken the concrete in small splotches. The clouds threatened to open up and drench you both, but there was something a little more primal in the way he handled you, like it wasn’t just the rain on his mind.

By the time you reached the steps leading up to your door, he was practically manhandling you up them, and instead of allowing you to stop and fish your keys from your pockets, he kept himself in your space, crowding into you, forcing you back against your door. He braced an arm over your head, the other settling on your hip, and when he pressed his knee between your thighs you parted your legs willingly for him.

Boba stared at you. Water droplets dusted the shoulders of his leather jacket, shining dimly in your porch light. The same light reflected warmly in his brown eyes, eyes normally so hard and closed off, but soft for you , like he was sharing a secret, like he was barring some hidden part of himself just for you. Only you.

His thumb skimmed your bare skin where your shirt had ridden up, drawing slow and smooth circles that didn’t match the intensity of his gaze or the way your heart pounded in your chest. When he swallowed, you watched how his adam’s apple bobbed and longed to put your mouth there, to feel the motion against your lips.

“You gonna invite me inside?”

You wanted to hit him. You wanted to give him a snarky reply for all but forcing you up your stairs, or call him something that involved the words cheeky and asshole — but his breath kept ghosting tantalizingly across your lips and his damned smirk was so attractive and you felt like you had been waiting for this for literal years, desire and want and longing all bound up fit to bursting in your chest. “Only if you kiss me,” you challenged breathlessly.

Boba surged forward, hands sliding to cup your face between his broad and calloused palms, and he kissed you with more teeth than lips, something ferocious and desperate . His knee slotted itself higher between your thighs, purposefully rubbing against your center, and you moaned into his mouth, clutching desperately at his wrists. Against the awning, the spattering of rain turned quickly into a flood and for a moment you couldn’t differentiate between it and the blood rushing in your ears.

You never thought you’d find the taste of cigarettes appealing, but you did — at least, you liked them combined with whatever it was Boba tasted like. Maybe it was your attraction to him warping your senses but you couldn’t get enough. You licked into his mouth, sucked lightly on his tongue, teased his lip with your teeth — literally anything  to keep him pressed against you.

His hands left your face which made the chilly air feel all the more cold against your cheeks. Instead, they ran down the length of your torso, mapping out the curves and planes of your body. You arched willingly into his hands as they reached around to your backside, sliding into the pockets of your jeans —

— only to be met with disappointment when you heard the jangle of your keys as he pulled them from your pocket. “Could’ve —  asked ,” you managed between breathless kisses. Boba hummed into your mouth as he reached for the doorknob to your side. Reluctantly, he pulled away just long enough to slot the key correctly into the lock, and you busied yourself with tasting the expanse of skin on his throat that the new angle provided.

One hand still remained cupping your ass, and you squeaked when he suddenly grabbed a handful and squeezed. As he turned the doorhandle, he used his hand to pull your weight forward against him so that you wouldn’t fall backward into your house, which had the added advantage of pressing your chest to his.

“C’mon,” he murmured lowly, playfully swatting your ass. “Inside.”

You barely registered the sound of your keys hitting your tiled floor as he ushered you indoors, because the moment you both were safely inside you fell on him again, lip-to-lip, hands trying to work off his leather jacket. He took the hint and shed it quickly, letting it fall to the floor, and immediately he urged off your own shirt, breaking away from you long enough to pull the fabric up over your head.

His hands felt so big against your body like they were everywhere, his rough palms a stark contrast against your smooth skin. He thumbed just under your breastband, one hand settled on your back to keep your pelvis pressed to him as his other hand groped your chest over your bra, rough and demanding, and you whined into his mouth. The pleasure threatened to sweep your thoughts away, to turn you mindless and dumb and completely receptive to his whims. You turned your head away from his lips, trying to find the words to speak as he continued to grab handfuls of your flesh. “Boba —” you started, cutting off abruptly with a whine as he teethed at the delicate skin of your neck, each nibble a promise of a later bruise. “W-wait, Boba, I thought you came here to smoke?”

In an instant, his hands fell to his sides, leaving you completely untouched. If you weren’t keyed up and desperate, you might’ve appreciated the gesture, but now it just left you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. He looked down at you in concern, brows slightly furrowed, but all you could focus on were his lips . They were slick with saliva, kiss-swollen, and you felt a twinge of regret that you had pulled away at all.

“....Do you not want —”

“No! No, I do, I just thought that maybe, y’know…” You gave him a sheepish grin, aware of how hot your face felt.  “I thought that maybe you could...do both?”

Concern gave way to slight confusion, then he chuckled in amusement. “I should have guessed.” Boba reached back into the pocket of his jeans. He pulled out his lighter and a carton of cigarettes and carefully shook one free. “You have a thing for smoking, huh?”

“No!” It was a gut-response to deny; smoking was gross . It was yucky . It did awful things to people’s bodies and it stained clothes and fingers and yet — “Or at least, I didn’t,” you amended, voice softening. “Not until I saw you that night.”

He paused, lighter halfway to his mouth. The cigarette dangled attractively from his lips. “You should have better taste.”

You choked on nothing. “Wh — you should have better stress relievers!” “Are you offering?”

That made you stop, heat rising to your face at the implication. Sure, you wanted him — but the thought of being his little toy , someone he came to when he needed a quick fuck to ease his frustrations — you liked the thought of it a little too much. Boba was smirking at you, but he seemed to understand to leave well enough alone, at least for now.

There was a flash of light, steel hitting flint, and then the familiar smell of smoke filled the air, more potent in your tiny house. He motioned his head toward your couch as he breathed out a mouthful of smoke. “Go sit.”

The command was almost unneeded; Boba practically steered you there himself, hot on your heels, his hand right back on your lower back like it belonged there. You settled yourself on the cushions, half expecting him to sit beside you, or maybe cover your body with his own — but when he sunk to his knees in front of you, nerves bubbled up in your stomach.

“Oh, Boba, I’ve never...No one has...gone down on me before.”

He grunted, deft fingertips already at the button of your jeans. “Don’t see how that impacts me.” You raised your hips to help as he tugged at the hem of one pantleg, and he slid your jeans off in one smooth movement. He placed your legs over his shoulders and jerked you forward so your ass was off the couch, hips suspended in midair by his arms hooked underneath your thighs. It left you trapped and pinned in place, your back slouched awkwardly against the back of the couch. He puffed on his cigarette before transferring it between his first two fingers, the burning tip pointed away from you as he gripped your thigh. Smoke escaped his mouth as he spoke, “Unless you want me to stop?”

You shook your head, and whatever nervous thoughts you had about tasting or smelling weird, or not looking the way he expected, or not being groomed the way he liked instantly left as Boba ran the flat of his tongue against your clothed cunt, so hot even through the fabric of your panties, and you jerked your hips both in surprise and want .

“Be still ,” he growled, so close that you felt his breath against your center. “I don’t want to burn you.”

“You won’t,” you breathed. You trusted him not to even accidentally harm you, like accident wasn’t a word in his vocabulary. Instead, you felt his arms clamp down on you harder, giving you even less potential wiggle room than before.

A moment later, his mouth was on you, his tongue licking broad stripes against your panties. It felt good even without direct contact; you had never had someone’s mouth on you before, and it had been a long time since you had anything but your hand to pleasure yourself with. 

“You’re already so wet.” He turned his attention to your inner thighs, and pressed wet, open-mouthed kisses to your heated skin. His free hand rubbed you through your panties, spreading your slick into the fabric, and you moaned . “Is it because of me, or are you just excited?”

“You. It’s you.” He hooked his thumb under the edges of your panties and pulled the fabric away from your crotch, exposing your heated core. Your breath came in short puffs as he finally touched you, skin against skin, his thumb dipping into your folds to collect your slick on his fingertip. “I’ve — thought about this for so long.” “About me eating you out?” You were so wet; you could see how your juices glistened on his thumb as he brought it to his mouth, letting his tongue loll out lewdly as he licked your taste clean from his finger. You whined at that sight alone and imagined his tongue tasting you for real, imagined how wet and hot it would feel against your bare cunt. He brought that same hand down onto the meat of your thigh, slapping you light enough to get your attention but not enough to leave a lasting sting. “I asked you a question, princess.”

“About this,” you repeated, as if it clarified anything. “About you.  About — Boba, please —” You tried arching your hips off the couch to tempt him, tried to explain without words what you wanted as your voice died off into a needy whine.

His hand returned to your cunt, fingertips grazing over your clit through your panties. They were so soaked with his spit and your slick that it was barely a barrier at all, made translucent by all the fluids. “Don’t make me guess what you want,” he said. “Tell me, and I’ll give it to you.”

Frustrated, you groaned and covered your face with your hands. “It’s embarrassing to say it.”

“It’s embarrassing, huh?” Boba teased the edge of your underwear, flicking it against your skin as a reminder that his fingers were right there , that you could have what you were desperate for if you only asked. “Is it embarrassing if I say that I love how you taste?” 

“Boba….” you whined weakly.

“I want to taste more of you,” he murmured, voice growing husky. He nosed against your clothed mound, breath fanning hotly against your core. “I want to bury my tongue in your little cunt and take everything from you. I want you to come undone on my mouth, princess.” He pressed an oddly-sweet kiss to your thigh, his lips lingering on your skin. “But I can’t unless you tell me what you want.”

You felt hot and extremely bothered by the casual way he said those things, how he just uttered his desires as if they were nothing. It wasn’t embarrassing to ask him to eat you out, but you found it embarrassing that you wanted it. You swallowed thickly, and when you finally looked out from under your hands you found Boba looking up at you through hooded eyes, just waiting. Watching.

“Please,” you whispered. “Please eat me out.”

“ That ’s it." In a blatant show of strength he ripped your panties right from your hips, tearing the cloth with one strong pull. You didn’t even have time to articulate a response, because a second later his mouth was on your bare pussy, his tongue eagerly lapping up the liquid that glistened on your folds. 

“ Boba! ” You jerked hard in his grasp but he pinned you down with his hands alone, his grip on your thighs so tight you knew that there would be ten marks in the shape of his fingers the next morning. He was relentless, lapping and slurping at your cunt like a man starved, and the sounds were so lewd and so pornographic that you’d have found them gross were you not so aroused. 

You wanted to snap your thighs closed and rut against his mouth so bad , but his hold on you was unforgiving. He kept you spread and held in place, completely at his mercy as he licked and sucked and devoured you. Little gasps and moans kept escaping your lips, mixed in with mindless repetitions of Boba and please and yes, yes, like that.  This was the loudest you had ever been; months of pent-up desire and sexual frustration had you quickly approaching an orgasm, vastly helped by Boba’s skillful tongue. The urge sat heavy in your gut and only grew with each passing second until you were frantically trying to grind into him, hips moving minutely in his iron grip.

And then he began to pull away. Your hand shot out to grab the back of his head to hold him in place, a desperate whine leaving your throat. “No! No, Boba, please, I’m so close, please —”

“Shhh.” He turned his head to place a soft kiss to your inner thigh. “Relax, princess. I’m not going anywhere.” His assurances were enough to cause you to let go, and he rewarded you by peppering more gentle kisses to your slicked skin.  “You got an ashtray?”

You had to think through the haze of want that clouded your thoughts. “A... huh? Why?”

“Don’t want to burn you.” He motioned toward the cone of ash on his cigarette, which had been steadily burning the whole time his mouth was on you. Carefully, he unwound his arms from around you and you slumped, boneless, back into the couch. “Unless you want me to use the carpet?”

“N-no, god, my landlord would kill me.” You spotted an old mug sitting on the endtable right next to the couch and reached for it, almost spilling the scant liquid left inside as you haphazardly handed it to Boba. “Use this.”

Sitting back on his haunches, he flicked the excess into the mug and then brought the cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply. You watched the fabric of his shirt stretch across his chest as he breathed in, how his shoulders seemed to broaden with the action. When he exhaled, he blew from the side of his mouth, keeping the smoke from reaching your face.

Which was considerate and all, but… “ Boba .” You stretched your lower half toward him in need, letting your thighs fall open. “Please?”

“You invited me here to smoke,” he reminded, even as his free hand slid up to brush tantalizingly close to your slit. “You gonna make me waste a cigarette?”

“N-no, but…” Tears pricked the back of your eyes; you had been so close , and the longer you went without his mouth on you the more you worried you wouldn’t get to come at all. “ Please .”

Boba flicked ash into the mug again and set it aside on the floor, out of reach of flailing arms and legs. “Spoiled little thing,” he said, so affectionate, and then he was upon you, his head back between your thighs. And, fuck, maybe you were spoiled, but it was his fault for indulging you and giving you an inch so you could take a mile. His tongue just felt so good, and without his arms pinning your legs open you rutted freely into his mouth, moans and pleas rolling off your lips anew.

Boba turned his head to the side as he took another drag from his cigarette, holding the little nub a safe ways away from your skin. He exhaled before he wrapped his mouth around you again, hotter than before, and his lips latched around your clit.

“Fuck!” Pleasure shot up through your spine and you moaned shamelessly, your eyes shutting tightly against the feelings that threatened to overwhelm you. “Fuck, fuck , Boba, please, oh my god —”

“Gonna come from my mouth alone?” His lips barely left your cunt as he spoke, his hot breath only serving to further tease you. “Wanna come for me, sweet thing?”

“ Yes ,” you hissed. “Yes, Boba, please , wanna come on your tongue —” You weren’t even wholly aware of what you were saying, just babbling mindlessly as he kept torturing your clit with attention. The urge you were chasing earlier came back full-force, leaving you teetering on the edge. “Please, please , Boba, Boba —”

“Then come,” he ordered. “Come for me.”

It might have been his voice, it might have been because his teeth skimmed your clit, but you came and you came hard . You think  you screamed, or blacked out, or screamed and then blacked out — and when you finally relaxed, body no long tight and taut, you opened bleary eyes to find Boba’s face still buried between your legs, his tongue lapping at your sensitive pussy in slow, languid movements.

“Boba,” you whimpered, pushing at him weakly. “‘S’too much, please …”

He peppered hot, open-mouthed kisses on the heated skin of your inner thighs as he pulled away, settling back on his knees. To your embarrassment, his mouth and chin shined with your juices; he turned his head to wipe himself clean on the sleeve of his shoulder and replaced his cigarette back between his lips. It was evident he’d enjoyed himself, too, because there was a sizable bulge tenting the fabric of his jeans.

“Hey.” You stretched a leg out, brushing a toe across the top of a clothed thigh. “It’s not fair you’re still dressed. Take off your shirt.”

He exhaled slowly, smoke drifting lazily upward from his mouth. “Take off your bra if you want it to be fair.”

You had completely forgotten that you were still wearing it, and you realized how ridiculous you must look: stripped nude with your bare pussy on display, but still wearing your fucking bra. It wasn’t even cute .

Sitting up, you hesitantly reached behind yourself and unclipped your bra. You let the straps slide down your shoulders but left the cups covering your chest, suddenly very acutely aware of everything: the couch beneath your bare thighs, the drying slick on your skin, Boba’s warm eyes focused intensely on you .

“Don’t get shy on me, now.” Gentle and slow, he reached a hand up and helped ease your bra the rest of the way off your chest. He palmed your bare breast, pebbling your nipple underneath his thumb. “Beautiful.”

You flushed at the compliment but gently pushed his hand away. “Your turn. Fair’s fair.”

He extended his cigarette out to you as he stood up from his knees, and you didn’t miss the quiet noise of exertion he made at the effort. “Hold this.” It was burned down to almost nothing, wasted, but as you took it from his fingers you remembered how often you’d imagined holding the filter between your lips, how often you dreamed of tasting him second-hand.

“Want to try?” He must’ve caught you staring; when you glanced back at him, he was bare-chested, and you marveled at the power that flexed underneath his skin, at the tattoos that spanned his chest and upper arms. You’d have to ask about them later.

“I thought you didn’t want me to start?”

“You’re an adult. I’m saying the offer’s there, if you want.”

You considered it — you really did — but then you thought about how sweeter it would taste coming from his mouth, and you passed it back to him.

“I...can we try something?

The end of it burned red-hot as he inhaled. “What?”

Your earlier shyness came back, your nerves sitting heavy in your chest. “What if...you kissed me, right? But with your mouth full of smoke? And then...y’know….” You wrung your hands in your lap as your confidence died out.

But Boba merely chuckled and took a seat on the couch next to you, the cushions dipping under his weight. “You won’t like it,” he warned.

“I don’t care.” Half-surprised he agreed, and half-giddy with desire, you crawled loose-limbed into his space, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth as you settled into him. “If it’s from you, I don’t care.”

You had tucked yourself into his side, but Boba hauled you into his lap instead, swinging your legs across his own. His clothed erection pressed into your hip and you had half a mind to ask if he wanted his pants off, too — but then he grabbed your chin between one large hand and held you in place as he puffed from his cigarette. His lips ghosted across your own, soft and tentative, and then he kissed you for real.

Unlike before, this was gentle and sweet, the slow molding of his mouth to yours, until he urged your lips to part. On instinct, you inhaled, and the smoke that entered your lungs was hot and spicy . You coughed once against his mouth before you had the chance to turn away. Your lungs and throat burned and tears quickly filled your eyes as you coughed away the sensation.

“I told you,” came Boba’s smug reply, and you narrowed your leaking eyes in a glare even as small coughs wracked your body. Gently, he smoothed his hand up and down your spine. “Wanna try again?”

“So you can —” you stopped, coughing, “— laugh at me?”

“Not laughing.” He wiped away some spittle on the side of your mouth. “It’ll be easier if you just hold it in your mouth. Don’t breathe it in.”

You nodded. After he took another drag from his cigarette, well and truly burning it to the filter, he kissed you again. This time, when you felt smoke fill your mouth, you fought off the urge to inhale. It almost tasted sweet beneath the bitter burn. You forced yourself to breathe out, the smoke pouring from between your connected mouths, but despite your best efforts you ended up inhaling a little anyway. You pulled away and coughed to clear your throat.

“Better?

You shook your head. “Not really,” you said sheepishly. “At least I know there’s one fantasy I don’t want to try again.

Boba extinguished the nub of his cigarette between forefinger and thumb and tossed it to the mug he left on the floor. “You fantasized about this?”

“Well, duh.” You sunk down against his chest, resting your head on his shoulder as he drew you close. “What else am I supposed to think about at work?”

It was a tease, mostly, but Boba pinched the soft skin of your thigh. “Naughty thing,” he admonished. “I pay you to fantasize, huh?”

“You occupy my thoughts even when I’m off the clock,” you admitted. As you shifted a bit in his lap, his erection pressed into your side, and you remembered another worktime fantasy and spoke before Boba had a chance to reply to your honesty. “Hey, you brought a whole pack with you, right?”

He huffed out a chuckle. “You trying to give me lung cancer?”

“No! No, no, just —” You squirmed. “Do you maybe want a blowjob? While you smoke?”

He answered you by reaching into his back pocket to pull out his lighter and cigarette carton. “You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

“W-well, I mean, I thought you might like it. It’s supposed to be every man’s fantasy, right? A good blowjob and a smoke?” You eased yourself onto your knees before him as he lit up another cigarette, smoothing your hand over his broad thighs.

“Never considered it before,” he said as he began to undo his belt, “but I won’t say no.”

Your deft fingers helped undo the button on his jeans, and you pulled the waistband down just far enough to free his aching cock. “Oh, fuck ,” you breathed. He was big . Bigger than anyone else you’d taken, and you felt a phantom twinge of pain in your jaw just imagining him in your mouth. 

“Like what you see?” Boba grinned down at you, his freshly-lit cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth. Oh, he knew he was big. He knew it, and he knew you liked it.

You wrapped your hand around him and almost moaned when you realized you were barely able to touch your thumb to your middle finger around his girth. “Holy fuck , Boba.” You had never wanted to suck a dick as badly as you did now, even if you were questioning how any of it would fit in your mouth. Would he even fit in your cunt? If things escalated to that point, would you be able to take him, or would he just split you in half?

You subconsciously squeezed your thighs together and leaned in, pressing kisses up along his shaft. He smelled good , like musk, like Boba , the scent that you could never name. You parted your lips and dragged the tip of your tongue along his shaft, feather-light, stopping to take his leaking head into your mouth. He tasted salty on your tongue and you braced your hands on his thighs as you leaned in farther, relaxing your throat as his girth stretched you mouth impossibly wide. Already, it was almost too much, your jaw threatening to ache, and you worried you’d have to give him a handjob instead.

“‘Atta girl,” Boba praised, and oh if that didn’t make you feel like you could do anything . He ran a hand through your hair and settled a palm on the top of your head — not pulling, not pushing, but a comforting weight that held promise. Potential.

You pulled off his cock, tilting your head to look up at him through your lashes. “You can be mean,” you breathed, cognizant of how his hand tightened in your hair. “It’s okay.”

Boba hummed low in his throat, as if he were considering it. “Some other time,” he promised. “You have to learn to take me. I can’t break you on the first day.”

His words made you whimper automatically with want as your brain immediately filled in the gaps. Boba exhaled a mouthful of smoke around his cigarette and applied a little pressure to the top of your head, encouraging you to bend down again. “C’mon, princess. Take me into your mouth.”

You held his gaze for as long as you could manage as you wrapped your lips around his cock again, sinking down on his length. Despite his size, you wanted to take him deep in your throat and feel his jeans rub against your chin. You tried to relax as much as possible as you sunk lower but he was just too much , and you ended up gagging audibly.

He gave a sharp tug on your hair, pulling you off his cock. “Go easy ,” he stressed. “Don’t hurt yourself.”

Spit dribbled down your chin. “I want to take all of you,” you whined.

Boba’s hand cupped your jaw, his thumb smearing your saliva across your lips. “Be patient. I’m not a small man.”

“You make it sound like I’ll get another chance to do this.”

“You will. If you want.” Ash fell from the end of his cigarette and onto the cushion below, but in that moment you couldn’t care less about your stupid couch. “I’d like to have fun with you again.”

You hid your grin behind kisses as you peppered them along his shaft. “Okay,” you finally said. “Okay, I’ll go easy.” Boba made it sound like you’d have all the time in the world later to train your throat to take his cock — and hopefully there’d be time to train other things, as well.

No longer focused on deepthroating his entire cock, you worked on fitting as much as you could comfortably handle into his mouth and settled into a rhythm as you sucked and licked. You stroked the rest of his shaft with your hand, aided smoothly by your excessive saliva that drooled down his length.

You took a chance to look up at Boba, and found him with his eyes closed, an arm thrown over the back of your couch. The cigarette bobbled in his mouth as he inhaled around it. “ There you go,” he murmured, smoke trailing from his lips. “Just like that. Easy.”

You swallowed around him and his hand tightened in your hair. The taste in your mouth grew saltier with each passing second as his precum leaked from the tip of his cock and mingled with your spit. Boba groaned above you, something guttural and almost primal , and you felt the ache between your own legs grow in response.

“Want my cum, princess?” 

Grateful for the chance to give your aching jaw a break, you lifted from his cock and licked a broad stripe up from where your hand had been. “ Yes ,” you plead. “Yes, please, will you come in my mouth?”

“Gonna swallow me, huh?” At your enthusiastic nod, he grinned. “Good girl. My good girl. Scoot back.”

He moved to stand up from the couch and you realized at once what he intended to do as you shifted backwards, sitting pretty on your knees. He towered over you in this position and you couldn’t take your gaze away from him; at this angle, he seemed larger than life, intimidating and scary and huge , and the cherry-red of his cigarette burned brighter than ever. 

Boba cupped your jaw in his hand, tugging at your bottom lip. “Open your mouth.” You whined and clutched at the fabric of his pants as you obediently parted your lips, moving your head so that the tip of his cock was pointed at your mouth.

He fisted his cock in one hand, jerking himself hard and fast, and with the other he gripped the back of your hair and held you in place. “Gonna come, princess. Stick your tongue out for me.” 

You stretched your tongue out of your mouth as far as it would go, lips parted wide, and stared longingly up at him. Each of his exhales contained a mouthful of smoke, and it gave him the impression of standing in a translucent cloud, the tip of his cigarette standing out amongst the white.

He grunted something unintelligible and you felt something warm and thick land on your cheek. The next one hit your upper lip, and Boba drew you forward so that the head of his cock sat on the tip of your tongue. The rest of his cum landed hot and salty on your tastebuds.

Boba jerked himself from base to tip, coaxing out whatever droplets he could give you. “You look so good,” he murmured, voice husky. “Good girl. Swallow.”

You obeyed, opening your mouth wide after to show him. His thumb came up and helped guide the mess he left on your face into your waiting mouth, where you sucked his tongue clean each time.

“You did so well,” he praised, and even though your jaw ached and there was a dull throb between your legs, you beamed . You pressed your face into his clothed thigh and sighed happily as he rested a hand in your hair, stroking down the strands he’d mussed earlier. He took his cigarette from his mouth and tapped the ashes off into what you hoped was the mug.

A sort of quiet peace settled over you, and even though you were completely nude and it was late and you kind of wanted to invite Boba to stay the night (or forever), you were content to just sit there on your knees as he ran his fingers through your hair.

Besides. He told you there would be a next time — there was no reason to rush.

[btsmosphere]

Crossing Paths - drabble from the Crossfire universe

request from @excusemyuwus -

I remember Tae said he had a crush on her while working on that project so now I kinda want to see his pov of that time and how he was holding being around his crush lol, not gonna lie gangster Tae all nervous bc he like someone is something want to see (also imagine how much the guys would tease him uwu)

tumblr ate your ask when I tried to answer it, sorry! this is the only part I had copied, but if it ever resurfaces, I shall answer there. for now it is still refusing to cooperate so I am posting like this! (update: the ask just returned, it is here)

~pairing: taehyung x reader ~word count: 1.4k ~pre-relationship, fluff, angst, slice of life, mafia au, college au ~rating: g ~warnings: vague mention of gang activity, this is a gang au after all, but it’s not particularly prominent

~a/n: thank you for your great request! this was so nice to come back to, I am so sentimental about this series as my first bts fic🥰takes me back to when I was just getting into bts… it felt hard to do it justice! because of this, sorry it took me a while to write, but I wanted to do it well, and again I kept the theme of making my ‘drabbles’ wayyy longer😅final big thanks to the site being frustrating and eating drafts and such🙃🙃but here it is, finally seeing the light of day! I hope you enjoy it x

“I can tell something’s on your mind, Tae.”

Jimin stared coolly at his friend. Looking over his shoulder guiltily as he unlocked the door, Tae found the other boy with his hands in his pockets, looking expectant.

All Tae could do was shrug as he elbowed the door open, heading to ditch his bag.

“Hey, Jimin’s right.”

A light flick on Tae’s forehead made him startle, looking up to find Hobi grinning, though his head was tilted to one side in question.

“What is it?”

Jimin’s shoulder nudged his own as they sunk into the sofa.

Tae checked his phone.

“It’s just a project for class, don’t worry about it,” he pocketed his phone, ignoring their gazes, “I gotta meet with my partner in an hour.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t staying that long anyway,” Hobi slumped down too, having helped himself to a drink from the fridge, “I’m on watch with Yoongi across town.”

As the discussion turned to this week’s jobs and deals, Taehyung rested his head back against the sofa. The sounds of his friends’ conversation was like static. Instead, he was picturing the scene in class earlier, as the slideshow was flipped to show the project partners on the screen.

Tae hadn’t been too fussed, idly playing with his pen lid as he searched for his name. But when his eyes fell on it, he sat up straight.

Having only bumped into you a few times in class, he had never expected his heart to be hammering quite so hard as he quickly scanned the room for you. Sliding his things away, he had walked towards you as everyone began to file out, meeting you halfway as you did the same.

Leaning against a desk to keep his jittery hands occupied, he grinned at you.

Your returning smile, he noticed, was much more nervous, only flickering into existence for a wavering second. The two of you had only a brief conversation to sort out when you would meet, before you had practically scurried away.

His eyes had lingered on you as his smile slowly sank.

Unconsciously poking his tongue against his cheek, Tae wondered if you were afraid of him.

“Hey!”

A finger clicked sharply in front of his face. He blinked back at Hobi’s grin, Jimin bursting into laughter at his side.

“Just a project, my ass,” Hobi shook his head, dumping an empty bottle on the coffee table, “don’t wanna be late, do you?”

A radiant smile was tossed over his shoulder as Hobi left the room, front door clicking soon after.

Sending his best friend a knowing look, Jimin also gathered himself to stand.

“Have fun tonight, yeah?”

He winked. Tae protested, shooting up from the sofa with an affronted look.

“So it is a special someone?” Jimin giggled.

“You’re impossible,” Tae grumbled, trailing after him to the door, “it’s just a project, I told you.”

Jimin hummed in a way which made it very clear he didn’t believe him.

“Don’t scare them off, tiger,” he remarked, stepping outside.

Tae’s shoulders slumped. He was certain that was just what he had already done.

“I’m busy tonight. And my house isn’t free, so I can’t have anyone showing up here.”

Namjoon chuckled across the line.

“All this for a college project?” Clearly he had heard about this from the others. “If you could lend Kook some of your commitment to school, that would be great,” he teased.

Sighing, Tae spun around to survey the road outside his window, ruffling his own hair.

“You’re very funny, but I need to go. See you tomorrow.”

Tae was certain he would never hear the end of this from the others. It was true that he had firmly set aside time for your meeting today, even if it was only for a minor college presentation. But it was important to him.

He knew that this was the only time he would get together with you, and though it would end as soon as the presentation was given, he couldn’t help but want to make the most of it. At your last meeting, he had been largely distracted by the dizzying height of your apartment, leaving him shying back from any windows.

So this left you with his house today instead.

Arriving soon after Tae’s phone call, you were both soon seated on his floor. Though you mostly worked in quiet with occasional, quick conversation, it was not awkward. Your legs lay close together under the coffee table as you scribbled away diligently on its surface.

Glancing over the lid of his laptop as his fingers hung idly, Tae sighed. Watching as your pen swirled across your notebook, he let his eyes drift across your focussed features.

He swallowed as he did so, teeth tugging his lip. A light frown came over your features. He couldn’t take his eyes away from your lips as your pen lifted to your mouth, resting between your teeth as you mulled the work over, eyes flitting about the page.

Eventually, the lack of tapping at his keyboard must have got through to you. You raised your head.

Too late to divert his gaze, Taehyung cleared his throat and muttered a proposal for a break. Eager as well to put your work aside, you clambered from the floor to join him at his offer of a drink.

Moving through to the kitchen, he made casual conversation, asking after your dad. Last time there had only been a brief meeting, as he met Tae at the door before you hurried him away.

Picking up on his offer to chat, you teased Tae for his fear of heights, giggling over how he had screwed his eyes shut whenever he had come within sight of the view from your windows.

Of course, Tae tried his best to roll his eyes at you, but the smile dragging the corners of his mouth refused to be suppressed.

He poured your drinks. When he turned away to put the cartons back in the fridge, he took a breath, trying to settle himself. Why did he feel so flustered?

Squaring his shoulders a little more, he turned back, only for his hand to catch one of the glasses. It clattered against the surface, barely leaving time for him to jump back and avoid being splattered with its contents.

You hopped from your seat, ready to help.

Swallowing down his shock, Tae scratched at the back of his neck to hide his slightly trembling hand.

“Don’t worry,” he quickly muttered, flashing a nervous smile as he gathered towels and set to cleaning up.

Soft laughter followed from you. Still, you reached across to help.

Righting the glass and taking one of the cloths to clear up, your hand came concerningly close to Tae’s own. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the countertop, his cheeks warm even as you finished and he was rooting in the fridge again for a refill.

You seemed miraculously unfazed by his flailing, though, he noticed as you finally settled beside each other sipping your drinks.

“So it went well?”

Jimin nudged a reluctant Tae, eyebrows wiggling all the time.

“Yes, fine,” Tae groaned, trying to shrug him off.

Jimin did stop, but only in favour of staring at his friend with doleful eyes.

“Don’t be like that. You’ll see her again. You literally share a class!”

“It’s nothing like that,” Tae refuted.

He even halfway believed it.

You had got on well together, but surely not more than could be expected of most classmates? He sighed a little as he thought of it. It had been fun, but there was no excuse to spend any more time with you.

Besides, sparing one night to work on a project was a little different to becoming friends, or even more…

There was a reason the bangtan boys stuck to themselves.

But as he reminisced, he knew he had a soft spot for you, even if it should come to nothing. The project was over, the presentation given, but he still remembered the way you bounced with excited relief after you had finished talking to the class. Your face was glowing as you high-fived him with a grin, the work having paid off.

There was still a hint of nervousness though, and you had only given a timid smile and a small ‘see you later’ before heading out of class.

And that was the end of it.

But Tae smiled to himself. It had been fun, and he knew he wouldn’t be sorry if you ever crossed paths again.

Thank you for reading! Reblogs and comments super appreciated always!!

Taglist: @aianloveseven​ @preciouschimine​ @un2-verse​ @ddaechwita​ @taegularities​ 

[essaysbyciara]

It’s Been A Long Time | Nebraska Williams x Black!PlusSize Reader [Part 1/?]

Warnings: language, smut thoughts (my ministry!)

So this has been in my drafts for a *HOT MINUTE* but that photo of Trevante in high school triggered a release. If people dig where it could be going, I will add it to my list of stuff to finish and open up a taglist. I’ll try my best to do so, I promise! lol

“God, I played this album out…” Lil’ Wayne’s seminal album, The Carter, didn’t age at all. Back in 2004, Wayne was a secret about to bubble over to superstardom, just years shy of lollipops and Static Major (rest in peace). Wayne represented the teenage angst of your time, even though you toiled in the suburbs while he wrestled with the streets. But as “On My Own” damn near explodes your factory speakers, a high pitch ping from your phone pauses your trip down memory lane. 

Message from Sheena: Let’s catch up before the babies wake up. 

You hit the call button on your dash once you stop at a red light. 

“Girl, hey. You on your way to work?”

“Ain’t I always, Shi Shi? Damn near almost overslept. Thought I missed my flight.” 

Sheena, or Shi Shi, is the epitome of a best-friend-forever. You two met in Ms. Grayson’s civics class, 11th grade. On the first day of school, you rolled into third period wearing a Scream Tour II t-shirt and if you were to describe Sheena in that moment, jealous wasn’t even the word.  She stanned hard for Lil’ Bow Wow but her mom wouldn’t let her go to the concert because she got caught with a boy in her room. That boy is now the husband half-way responsible for the twin girls she’s hoping will give her some grace by sleeping a little bit longer. 

“Damn. You wanna gift some of that sleep to these twins, God mommy?”

“Only if you gift me some of those post-pregnancy boobs, Mommy Dearest,”

“Can’t do that. Jarell been having too much fun with those!” 

“Girl, eww. I don’t need to know all that.”

You kinda did. Sheena’s stories were always live, wild and uncut. And the only fireworks you’ve been adjacent to in months since you broke up with that lame stockbroker, Keith. You curve around the airport parking lot as Sheena starts digging deep into her latest soft-core episode with her husband since the six weeks ain’t up yet. In between interjections of how nasty Jarrell could be and watching planes taxi in the distance, you cruise through Instagram to take inventory of what your day might be like. 

Managing social media for the biggest sports publication in the country was not the fulfillment of a dream after high school because, shit,  social media didn’t exist when you were in high school. But it’s what has you just hours away from a flight to the NFL Combine in Indianapolis, sitting in a parking lot, listening to your BFF’s slow burn sexcapades. You break up the audio immersion experience once your timeline displays something else to ruminate over.

“Sheena! Shi -- shut up! I can’t believe - you remember Lisa from high school? She got married ...and it ain’t to Brasco.” 

“Whaaaa… you can finally stop making u-turns in the hallway and snag your man!”

You didn’t appreciate the lowly dig from your friend about Nebraska “Brasco” Williams, star running back, track champion and boy so fine he made both Omarion and J-Boog look like ogres. Your high school crush had you shook to your pubescent core; pretty teeth, deep skin tone and two tattoos before the age of eighteen. You’d see him in the student parking lot with the rest of the football team and you’d rush to your car as if it would go home without you. He was too hot to handle. You were beyond envious that Lisa could. 

“Lisa ain’t do too bad. Her man is crazy fine. I mean, not Brasco fine but still…” 

“Man,  he had high school going crazy. I wonder what happened to him after that fight? I should stalk him on Facebook while I pump.” You laugh so hard, the couple walking past your car stops their argument to stare at you. 

Your laughs break once you realize you might actually miss that flight. You relegate Shi Shi to kiss the twins for you and to send his Facebook profile if she can actually find it. You tried years ago and failed. 

“Aight, fave. I will.  Love you. Text me when you touch down in Indy.” 

As you weave through the terminal, your mind thinks back to the days at New Birth High School. While it brought you joy in a forever friend and the launching point for your forever career in sports journalism, it did bring you one of the most hurtful days of your life that took years to shake. 

It was the summer going into your senior year. Lisa’s sweet sixteen pool party. No way in Hell you thought you’d be there but your Mom and Lisa’s stepmom sat on the same deacon board at church and somehow thought you two were friends; Lisa paid you dust in those hallways. You fretted over every part of your outfit, especially the swim shoes you didn’t want but your Dad picked up at Sports Authority. But you were fretting the most over your swimsuit, a red one-piece with a deep open back. It was sexy for a 16-year-old, to be honest, but you secretly tried it on at the mall and fell in love with it -- especially how it made you feel. 

You fell in deep love with your body that day. The way the swimsuit clenched your waist, giving your almost-pear shape some definition you’d never seen before. Your hips sat wide, your breast placed taunt, just peeking through the sides, showing off a crescent shaped birthmark right below your collarbone. It was Jet Beauty of the Week-esque and it made you feel on top of the world. Something that society kept telling you a plus-size teenage girl was not to feel. You used the last of your paper route money to buy it and hid your secret weapon in the back of your closet until the day arrived. You were hoping to get some boy’s attention -- especially Brasco. But you’d take anybody’s glare if you could get it. 

You were in the clear once your Mom dropped you and Sheena both off at Lisa’s back gate. As you walked into the party, the sounds of the local hip-hop and R&B radio station blasted throughout her huge backyard. So much fun was had -- so much splash and dash -- that the faint sounds of “Knuck If You Buck” failed to erupt a party full of teenagers it was made for. The pool seemed tempting in 90-plus heat but most of the temptation came from the jacuzzi next to it. There inside sat Brasco, his lanky on-field wide receiver sidekick Kenny and Jarell, Sheena’s partner-in-bedroom-bust crime looking delicious in their highlighter-color swim trunks. You were still figuring out your body and the reactions conjured up from the sight of water droplets chasing down their backs confused you even more. But the heat of the sun -- and the heat from your body -- got too much to bear. That pool called your name. 

You stripped off your t-shirt and denim shorts, leaving your swim shoes back by the picnic table. They clashed. Your nerves splashed together like the water you couldn’t wait to feel, battering against your heart. Were you ready for all this attention? Amongst the rest of the classmates, you disappeared. You weren’t popular. People knew of you but didn’t know you, only associating you with Sheena by proxy of Jarell. “My Goodies” came on the radio, providing you a soundtrack and a sign from God. Before you could answer the call, Sheena jumped into the pool. You tossed your glasses on top of your clothes and did the same. 

The water felt golden. Sheena smacked your face with sheets of chlorinated goodness. Too much fun was had by all, even Lisa joined in the fun. Suddenly the entire football team did too except Brasco and Jarell, languishing on the edge of the jacuzzi because like most boys from their side of town, they didn’t know how to swim. Lisa saw her boo in isolation and tapped Sheena on the shoulder. 

“Hey, Shi Shi. Let’s get in the jacuzzi.” Sheena grabbed your hand to guide you out of the pool. You weren’t expecting to see your Mom at the other end. Sheena didn’t grab you to join her in the warm bubbles, she got you out at the angry-faced-behest of your mother. You both were going home. The party silenced and stares followed as everyone watched your walk-of-shame to grab your clothes. You got what you wanted in the worst way possible. 

Your unholy exodus commenced when Lisa’s mom called yours to report what she saw: this red bathing suit too revealing for a little girl to wear. It wasn’t the green ruffled mess-of-a-bathing-suit from last year. She claimed to witness stares and whispers and “boobs hanging out, butt all out.” Your mom got over there quicker than a church shout. She waited to scold you after she dropped off Sheena. 

It was a Sunday School scolding like no other. Tears pooled deep like the one you were just having fun in. You tossed the bathing suit into the trash bin. You were never going to see it again. 

The announcement of your flight breaks you out of your day nightmare. Grabbing the handle on your suitcase, you see a text with an attachment from Sheena. 

Girllllllllllll. I found Brasco and babyyyyyyyyyyy… 

You gasp. Time did a wonder on him in all the right ways. He packed on even more muscle, chiseling out the navy thermal dressing his upper body. Teeth still bright, Moonlight-bright. His Omarion-Pandemonium-era braids were gone, now donning a clean fade with perfect waves. His stance meant business, a lot of it risky. You bite your lower lip to mask the “damn!” urging a release from you, staring at his picture so intensely that you damn near walk into the stewardess checking your boarding pass. 

You couldn’t wait to get to your first-class seat. You needed a safe space to drown in your own splash waterfalls. You beg Sheena to send you his profile, looking to make some more of that mess and she obliges. Scrolling through his Facebook, you see nothing. You needed him to match your uncleanliness. Another text from Sheena breaks you out of your spell. 

Ain’t shit on here though. I can’t find an Instagram or anything. That’s where the dirt is at lol 

You put your social media skills to work. Ain’t an Instagram profile that you can’t find. Nebraska Williams brings up nothing. Such a unique name and nothing to show for it. 

Maybe Jarell can follow him, Shi. 

Jarell ain’t on this thing. He hates all this stuff. You want me to follow him? 

Girl, yes! I need more pictures! I’m trying to find his ‘gram and no diceeeeeee. Ughhhh. 

Damn the “no cell phone until after lift off” announcement. You then try “Brasco”, too many names -- rappers, really--  and a dog company to boot. “Brasco Williams” yields no results. You couldn’t wait what could be hours, days,  weeks, maybe never, for a response from Brasco to Sheena’s friend request. 

You pull up Google as a last ditch effort. The results bring up what only seems to be archives from your now-defunct city newspaper covering one of Nebraska’s record-setting games from 2005. You know to quit while you’re ahead until you see a Youtube video: “Nebraska Williams (RB) New Birth High School (MD). uploaded by Donyell Williams. You remember Donyell as this boy who played too damn much in Geometry class but right now, he’s Brasco’s cousin who's Instagram profile came up on the first search. Thank God his profile wasn’t private. You scroll back far enough to hit the jackpot. 

I found it! @donniebrascowill is his Instagram. 

Sheena was right about the dirt. His posts were bare but his stories carried enough. Enough shirtless, weightlifting, fresh-out-the-barbershop-got-to-show-you-the-fade dirt. You hit the follow button before the stewardess asked for your drink selection. 

End of Part I

[ikeromantic]

Lunches with Friends

A Mitsuhide Akechi fanfic, approx. 1600 words. This scene takes place post-romantic route epilogue. Fluff, angst, and friendship.

First: Mitsuhide and the Maiden

Previous: Loyalties

Hideyoshi straightened his clothes once more. No matter how he smoothed the fabric, it felt awkwardly fit. As if it wasn’t the clothes so much as his skin that didn’t sit right. The chatelaine would arrive soon to meet with him and he felt nervous. Which was ridiculous. How many times had he talked to her before? Helped her carry her bags? Had tea? But today felt different.

Maybe because she wasn’t really the chatelaine now. She’d moved herself to Mitsuhide’s manor, an outward signal of her choice. But there had been no official decision from Nobunaga, no ceremony, and that meant there was a chance he could save her.

A polite tap at his door let Hideyoshi know she’d arrived. He cleared his throat and welcomed her in. Light followed her as the door slid open, golden on her skin. With her bruises healed and the exhaustion of travel gone, she was as beautiful as ever. Like a - a very pretty little sister. “Please, have a seat. I’ll prepare some tea.”

“Thank you! It’s been awhile since I visited you here.” She sat down gracefully. Her eyes tracked him as he moved around the room. “I’m glad you had time to meet with me. I wanted to ask, well, to see if I could change jobs.”

Hideyoshi hadn’t expected that. He wasn’t sure why she’d asked to meet, but this hadn’t even made the list. He covered his confusion by rearranging snacks on the tray.

She took his silence as encouragement. “I thought since Mitsuhide was going to continue his work for Nobunaga, I need to find something I can do too. Something besides chatelaine, since I live in the Akechi manor now.”

“I see.” Hideyoshi poured the tea and sat down across from her. “What did you have in mind?”

“I’d like to join the seamstresses.” She looked down at her tea, an anxious smile playing at the corners of her lips. “In my - my hometown, I designed clothes. Sewing is something I love and I’d really-”

He interrupted her. “It’s fine. I’ll clear it with Nobunaga.” He reached over and patted her head. “I want you to do what makes you happy, which is why -” Hideyoshi cleared his throat. “Which is why I want you to reconsider this, this thing with Mitsuhide.”

Her head snapped up, eyes wide.

“I know he’s . . . interesting. But you can’t ever really trust him. He lies as easily as he breathes.” He wrapped his hands around hers, feeling how fragile and warm she was. “You deserve a love with trust that goes both ways. Someone that won’t lie to you, won’t hurt you.”

She pulled her hands back, out of his grasp. “And who is that? You?”

Hideyoshi rubbed his face, wishing just once he had the kitsune’s silver tongue. “It could be. Or Mitsunari. Nobunaga. Ieyasu . . . even Ranmaru. He’s closer to your age too.” He stood, unable to stay seated when his heart was hammering in his chest like this. “I . . . look, anyone would love you. And anyone but Mitsuhide would be a better match.”

Her small hands made tiny, white knuckled fists in the fabric of her kimono. “I love him. And I trust him. I know he sometimes . . . keeps things to himself. But he does it out of loyalty and kindness.”

“I’m sure that’s what he says-”

“Hideyoshi. I thought you were my friend.” Her eyes were damp with tears and her cheeks flushed with anger. “I can’t believe you! Trying to - to -”

“I am trying to protect you.” He bent down and took her by the shoulders. “If you marry him, you will never be safe. Never. Not from his enemies, and not from his lies.” His voice shook.

The chatelaine tried to pull out of his grasp as she stood, but he wouldn’t let her go. He pulled her close. Pressed her to his chest as if she were a balm to the thundering there.

“I love you. As my - my sister. And I can’t watch you hurt yourself like this.”

“Let. Me. Go.” She stared up at him as if she were seeing a stranger. “It is my choice who to love. And I love Mitsuhide. I will be his wife, even knowing that yes! Yes, it will hurt! I know what he’s like, and I know how dangerous the life he leads is. I am not afraid.”

Hideyoshi studied her face, seeing in it her iron will. She had decided and words would not sway her. He let go and took a step back. “Then . . . forgive me. I . . . misspoke.” He bowed low and waited there for her to speak.

After several breaths, she reached out, fingertips grazing his shoulder. “Can we just pretend that never happened? Hideyoshi?”

He straightened and gave her a nod. His chest still felt tight, his heart heavy as lead. “We can.”

She gave him a half-smile. “Good. Because I do think of you as a friend. Or, or maybe a big brother. And I don’t want to lose that.”

Hideyoshi cleared his throat. “I just need to understand that my little sis knows what she’s doing.” He tried out his own, awkward smile.

“Let’s sit and drink our tea and - we can talk about something else. Is that alright?”

With some relief, they sat down and resumed drinking their tea. They were quiet for a time, but eventually fell into the comfort of their relationship, sharing stories about the other maids and things in town.

***

Mitsuhide spent most of his morning drafting a letter to Sasuke. He wanted to make it clear what he was asking - but only to the ninja - and to cover his tracks should it be intercepted. Afterall, regardless of the friendship between his lover and Kenshin’s henchman, they were still enemies on opposing sides of an unresolved conflict. It would not do to be caught out for a treason he was actually committing.

The final letter probably read like nonsense to anyone besides Sasuke. Asking about the frequency of the ‘worms’ and whether or not they had a season . . . he just hoped the ninja understood. And that the answer was the one he sought.

He was in the process of sealing it up when his door opened. Masamune stepped in, carrying a covered tray in one hand, and a bottle in the other. He grinned when Mitushide looked up. “If looks could kill. You want a rematch for our raincheck?”

Mitsuhide chuckled. “I’d rather not. But you could have sent word that you were coming. Or at least knocked.”

“Ah, but then I’d miss that expression on your face. Crafty fox caught with a hen in his mouth.” Masamune’s laugh felt too loud for the room. He didn’t notice.

“I can only assume you are bothering me for a reason.”

“I am! I heard congratulations are in order. And, I haven’t brought you lunch since you got back.” Masamune sat down and gestured for Mitsuhide to join him.

It was the quickest way to be rid of him, Mitsuhide reasoned. And he was hungry. And, though he would never admit it, it was good to see Masamune. He sat.

Masamune unpacked the lunch he made. A variety of savory and sweet foods, all presented in easy to eat bite-sized bits. He grinned as he set out the last dish.

“What is this?”

“You always say eating is an annoyance. You want convenient foods, right? So . . .” he gestured to the plates. “Different flavors, all easy to eat. One of these has got to stir those tastebuds of yours.”

Mitsuhide hid his surprise behind a razor-thin smile. “Thoughtful of you. But what is it you want.”

“Exactly what I said. And to tell you congratulations. You and the lass made it official yet?”

“If you mean, have I spoken to Nobunaga, then no.” Mitsuhide picked up a ball of what looked like steamed daikon. “There is no need to hurry. Is there?” He raised an eyebrow.

Masamune shrugged. “I wouldn’t delay. The lass is a treat, and you can bet others have noticed. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear Nobunaga’s getting offers for her hand.”

“Those letters, if they existed, would never reach our lord.”

“Heh, that so? And what about those in the alliance with an interest?”

Mitsuhide finished swallowing the daikon. It was faintly spicy, not enough to get a reaction. “I am unconcerned. Nobunaga has allowed her to make her own choice. And I know who she will choose.”

“I think you’re scared.” Masamune sat back with a smug smile.

“Scared?” One eye brow arched.

Masamune nodded. “Of what your enemies will do to her if she’s your wife. Of the way love dies in a marriage. Of her coming to regret you.” He waved a hand in the air, encompassing all of the ways things could go wrong. “You always overthink things. Try to plan your way around problems. And now you’re stuck.”

Mitsuhide wanted to scoff. Such problems were for ordinary men, not the kitsune warlord. But . . . Masamune wasn’t wrong on any count. Ranmaru’s threat made him realize how easy a target the chatelaine would make. And he worried for her happiness. She’d yet to meet his family, see his home. And there were so many examples of marriages gone sour over time. This blissful love - he didn’t want it to fade.

“Assuming any of that nonsense was true, what would you recommend,” Mitsuhide asked finally.

“Stop dancing around it. Marry the girl. Take life as it comes. And eat your damn lunch.”

Next: My Favorite Place