#they have so so many photos together but not a lot of videos weirdly

[fatale-distraction]

BG3 Companions Social Media Headcanons Part 1

I was bored at work and couldn’t stop. 🤣 I’ll make another post with Halsin, Minthara, Jaheira, Minsc, and some NPCs!

~~~

Astarion - Pre-Tav, Astarion's social media is mostly thirst-traps for some kind of nefarious, Cazador-related money-making plot. They barely scoot past the TOS on lewd content. Very little real personal content, anything that isn't a thirst trap is heavily doctored lifestyle content to make it seem like he's living a much more luxurious life than he actually is.

After meeting Tav and getting rid of Cazador, he deletes all of his old accounts and opens up new ones. They're not exactly private, but he's much more careful about who he follows and who can follow him back. The posts become much more genuine. Still a lot of selfies, but they're sexy in the way of a guy just finally living his truth and being comfortable in his own skin. There's more shots of his daily life; waking up with his partner's obnoxious pets strewn across the bed, morning coffee and his current favorite book, new outfits that make him feel more himself. Tav features heavily in most of his posts, and there are probably as many pictures of them as there are of himself.

Karlach - chaos. No rhyme or reason. Lots of parkour and Jack-ass parodies. Constant flood of pictures of her stuffed animal collection. Stupid filters abound. There's several videos of her just flexing. Lumberjack videos. Seven hundred pictures of Tav, tons of selfies together. Videos of her literally sobbing over some cute stuffy she found or a dog she got to pet. "How many times can I say the fuck word before I get suspended." Memes. Memes everywhere.

Lae'zel - She follows three accounts and never posts anything, but somehow she's constantly scrolling through. What does she even do? Her profile picture is still the default. She doesn't have any profile information filled out. It just says "No." Her screen name is just Lae_zel. Every single item in her favorites is a cat video. She has One photo and its a gym selfie. All of her comments seem really mean at first, but they're all weirdly supportive things along the lines of "your teeth are sharp and your visage terrifying".

Shadowheart - total E-girl influencer vibe. Everything is #nofilter. She doesn't need filters. She's god's most perfect princess. You can't even be mad because it's not vanity its just how she Is. Ends everything with Prayer-hands-emoji hashtag Shar'sblessings or Selune'sblessings depending on where she is in that journey. Hairstyle and makeup tutorials and she makes it look so damn easy. "Dye my hair and cut my bangs with me." "Get ready with me" videos nearly every day. Every picture has a comment from Astarion that just says "oh fuck off" because even he can never hope to be as perfect as she is. Or at least that's what her forty-five thousand followers think.

Wyll - The official Blade of the Frontier social media account(s). Fencing videos and promos. "How to polish your horns for newbies" video that's been taken down twenty-seven times for lewd content even though it's literally for polishing actual horns. Accidental thirst traps because damn. Lots of disability advocacy, especially for visual impairments. Weekly Demon/Devil PSAs. Constantly featured in Karlach's vids and vice-versa. Buddy selfies. Once in a while a pic of him with his dad. Pics with Tav are rare, but when he does post them they're the sweetest pictures and he gushes about them for paragraphs. It's a little gross how gushy they are. Astarion comments with vomit emojis and Wyll just replies with an angry face emoji. The purest content. He's so wholesome. Not a swear to be seen. Lots of gentle hype videos. "You've got this. You can do this. I believe in you."

Gale - oh my god he has the most pretentious social media accounts. He's worse than Astarion. "Well, actually" videos with multiple parts because they're too long. Tea and bookshelves. Tara. So many pics of Tara. Tara napping on a book. Tara swatting a fly. Tara in the window. Tara on the kitchen counter. Tara laying in the sun. Tara doing nothing. He has one of those fancy cat terrarium backpacks. Magic tutorials. Mystra simp. Surprisingly few selfies but the ones he has are IMMACULATE. Pretentious book reviews. His only saving grace is that he is HILARIOUS. He's the only one with a reasonable about of pics with Tav as opposed to almost none or way too many, but the captions are always really sweet.

~~~

Part 2 here!

Part 3 here!

Part 4

[teeth--thief]

Well, you know damn well we need to hear more about that comic.

-R

Alright, let's get into Chernobyl: the Fall of Atomgrad by Matyáš Namai, now that you've bribed me with another pretty picture of yours...

Positives first!

I think that the way in which all the significant people are drawn is really good! They look like their real-life counterparts while remaining in the artist's style.

I really really enjoyed that some panels were very obviously based on more or less well-known photos or stills from videos from Pripyat itself, the later liquidation, the trial, and all else. I think it really adds to the experience when you're familiar with these.

The color palette of the blue and yellow is a great choice - not only because it's the Ukrainian flag but also because the colors make for a great combo - contrasting, but at the same fitting together really nicely. And also make a cool green :)

Negatives:

The biggest offender is the actual factual information this graphic novel depicts. It's nothing new by any means, nothing we haven't seen or heard before. Some stuff is pretty minor, I didn't get into this believing it'll get every single thing right, but some are... they are. An interesting oversight is that the AZ-5 is shown as a... switch. It wasn't a switch then. It was a button, and that's where quite a handful of theories stem from. It was later changed to a switch, yes, but it wasn't a switch then. And, obviously, we have the myth of everyone scrambling to press said AZ-5 button because yes, the power definitely sky-rocketed right before the PLANNED shut down, as HBO and a few other sources would like us to believe. Also, Legasov's... stunt that was the Vienna conference is described as follows: "He didn't lie. He just didn't tell the whole truth." Aw man...

Weirdly nitpick-y, perhaps, but: Tregub, whose name is mentioned just once, is spelled as... Treburg? Which I've never seen before, I've seen many operators' names spelt weirdly, but this one is new. Also, his "design", if you will, doesn't actually seem to have been inspired by the real guy. It's not a big deal, he appears a whole lot of... two times or so, but still... you know who he is but not what he looks like? A bit lame if you'd ask me... but don't ask me, I am weirdly fixated on knowing how everyone looked.

On the same note: Yuvchenko's name is once - just once - spelt as Yushchenko. Odd.

Also, the SIUR is seated in the wrong spot in the control room. If we're looking at it from above, the SIUR's spot is on the far left and not in the middle, as this novel seems to insinuate, that would be the SIUB's spot. No biggie, but it's always something to keep in mind. But hey, you can't have everything - at least Toptunov isn't a blonde twink in this one...

I think it may be just me, but I feel like there's some... filler stuff in there. A bit too much of insignificant things, and too little of the things that actually matter. But they are the things that matter to me, so... a very objective judgement made by me. Another one of very much opinion based complaints is that it's called "The Fall of Atomgrad" - for some reason, the fact that it's neither "an Atomgrad" or "the Atomgrad" is incredibly annoying to me... dunno.

My conclusion is this: if you want to buy it for something, don't buy it for the information - buy it for the art.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Oh, if people are still submitting their toxic Tae asks, I actually do think he might occasionally purposefully rile shippers (not every time or even most of the time he’s accused, just sometimes, and I think he might do it with other members too, he even riles jkkrs up by posting jkk sometimes) but I don’t think he’s malicious about it or trying to incite the really hardcore truthers. I don’t think it’s that deep, and clearly it doesn’t hurt or bother any of the other members because they’re all obviously on good terms + you would have to accuse some of the others of doing the same thing sometimes, like JK was clearly in on that FaceTime photo being posted, some of Namjoon’s comments on JKs lives, and Jimin posted tkk hugging with their cheeks smushed so… Plus, tkk have undoubtedly become very good friends and spent a lot of time together this year, so it’s just obvious he would post and talk about him more than other members. But I do think there might have been a handful of times where Tae purposefully riled up his shippers a bit (I think he knows ARMYs like hearing about other members and doesn’t always know what to talk about on lives too, so he's more likely to mention others), but I don’t really think it’s a big deal, and I think he’s obviously just kind chaotic about other things as well when he’s in the mood. Probably toxic and a hot take because I see people either thinking he’s completely innocent and oblivious or 100% manipulative evil about it.

*

Ask 2:

It boggles my mind how people can watch Taehyung during his solo career so far and think he doesn't care about Yeontan because he didn't post a picture before his enlistment. This man put Tannie on his cds, on his merch, in his music videos, and in his promo.

*

Ask 3:

My goodness bpp, the avalanche of tae hate is just crazy,,, kinda tells you the current state of certain sections of the fandom,,, Just makes me sad, ngl

OK, I need to vent, I need to get it out of my system, I have been holding it in and but just can't anymore!!!! I hate Hate HATE Jimin's mullet in Like Crazy!!!!!!!!!! I mean Jimin looks beautiful in mullets. He was fabulous in mullets before! He's gorgeous in anything. He was godsend in Set me free pt2! They have the same base hair! just styled differently!!! why Why WHY did like crazy mullet have that weirdly straight sorta-tapered sorta-not shape around his beautiful neck?!!? The back of the head could've been wavy or curbed out or fuller or shorter or longer! WHY did it have to be THAT specific length and THAT specific shape all immortalized in the MVs for the world to see forever and ever?!?!? This like crazy era hairstyle breaks my heart,,, WHY?????????

*

Ask 4:

BPP how aren't you sick of all the Tae takes yet? It baffles me how people can fixate on the most minute details of Tae's actions FOR MONTHS. Is this normal? Is it mentally healthy? I realize the irony asking you since I'm a joker myself but a lot of people here sound kinda crazy. It can't be healthy to hate Tae so intensely for so long while victimizing Jimin. Just thinking about it makes me itch.

*

Ask 5:

I agree that Jkkrs used to be like the sunny part of this fandom's shipping in comparison to Tkkrs, and I've felt it change in the last year, but tbh it can never be compared to Tkkrs. I saw this when the blurry video of Jk dropped, especially here on tumblr.

I read many rational discussions on the topic and many Jkkrs (me included) accepted the fact that Jikook may not be exclusive/may have had sth in the past but are not together now (I'm of this opinion although the military thing has started my deluluness again and I'm leaning towards the belief that they may be something more than friends even today), and it was a breath of fresh air to see how many Jkkrs didn't just bluntly dismiss it was him (I mean we still don't know for sure if it was or not, but you shouldn't exclude all options bc they don't fit your narratives) - sth I haven't seen with Tkkrs (starting with the Taennie video and then Jk's) - on the contrary, I've seen them become more unhinged than ever.

So there are crazy shippers on both part, as well as the rational ones, but still, whenever I think of Tkk shippers, I get the ick as they give me such cult-like vibes (and this has nothing to do with Tae and Jk themselves).

***

(These asks were buried under an avalanche of other asks hence the delayed posting. These asks are related to the toxic asks series yesterday)

I'm seeing recurring themes in many points made here, some I agree with and others I don't.

[forabeatofadrum]

Ebb and Flow (8/12)

AO3 | S&C | Tumblr

--

Cooper gives Blaine a big hug.

“See ya, squirt,” he whispers, “It’s a bummer you had to miss Ocean’s 8 and the trip to the Wax Museum, but I’m glad you still had fun.”

Blaine decides to not point out that he doesn’t care about Ocean’s 8 and the Wax Museum. He can watch Ocean’s 8 in New York and the Wax Museum is creepy.

“Come to New York next time,” Blaine says instead.

“Nah,” Cooper immediately retorts, “I keep telling you… the future is here, in Los Angeles.”

Blaine lets it slide and he tightens the hug. He still loves his brother. And his father. Sometimes Blaine remembers that Kurt lost his and that makes Blaine appreciate Cooper and his father lots more.

Blaine feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Ready?” his father asks.

“Ready,” Blaine confirms. The two of them say their last goodbyes to Cooper and then it’s time to go through customs.

Blaine doesn’t have long with his father, though. Blaine’s flying to New York and obviously his father is flying to Columbus. Their gates are on opposite sides of the airport and his father’s flight is taking off earlier than Blaine’s.

“Bye dad,” Blaine also gives his father a hug.

“Bye Blaine,” he says back, “And… I’m sorry that you had to feel so nervous about telling us about the Championship. I wish we had spent more time together, but I get this is partially on me.”

“Thanks, that means a lot.”

The hug lasts for a few more seconds before it’s time to split up. Blaine waves and he watches his father disappear out of sight. Then he turns around and heads for his gate. Since he’s early, there’s enough space to sit down.

He has a little over an hour to spare, so he tries to see if Kurt’s online. Blaine’s three hours behind, but it should be fine. And he’s right, because when Blaine sends Kurt a DM, he gets a reply.

someonetocrowdyouwithlove How was the championship????

forabeatofadrum It was amazing!!

someonetocrowdyouwithlove I still have to watch it like I know they streamed it and everything, but I’ve been weirdly busy even tho I took off from work for now I’m starting work again on the same day as The Guy but I swear that wasn’t intentional But I’ve been doing some sewing and working on my own projects

forabeatofadrum OH wow, that is great!!

someonetocrowdyouwithlove Aaaaaah sorry! here I am, talking about myself again, when I wanna know everything did you see your potential team again???

forabeatofadrum Yeah! They were also at the finale And no worries I love hearing about what you’re up to. What project??

someonetocrowdyouwithlove oh again, just something for fun. I’m bedazzling a suit jacket

forabeatofadrum 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

someonetocrowdyouwithlove yeah I haven’t worn a suit jacket since my dad’s funeral and I didn’t want to afterwards, so I decided that the best way to make me love suits again is by making it super gay

forabeatofadrum well, is it working???

someonetocrowdyouwithlove yeah! I’ll send you a photo once it’s finished although I will probably spend a lot of my free time on the new Octo Expansion DLC

forabeatofadrum I know you haven’t seen the video of the championship yet but really you should’ve heard the crowd when the DLC got its release date. I’m definitely playing in on the plane I can’t believe Nintendo just dropped that like that

someonetocrowdyouwithlove Nintendo… thank you!!! And so many new weapons and gear!

forabeatofadrum And music, probably!

someonetocrowdyouwithlove But how was the remainder of your trip? Are you travelling home with your dad?

forabeatofadrum Nope idk if I mentioned it before, but my dad lives in another state

someonetocrowdyouwithlove You mentioned that your mum lives in the Philippines, but I always thought your dad was close by

forabeatoafrum no he lives in the state where I grew up ah Fuck it, I don’t live there anymore Ohio He lives in Ohio and I don’t

someonetocrowdyouwithlove oh

forabeatofadrum ????

someonetocrowdyouwithlove look I know it’s not my place so tell me if im being inappropriate, but this makes the whole situation with you and your dad kinda sadder in my eyes Cherish the time you have with him, Blaine!! god that sounds morbid, I don’t want to make it sound like he’s about to die

forabeatofadrum It’s okay Kurt I get where you’re coming from, so I don’t think it’s inappropriate He apologised again, you know?? Just now, before he left to go to his gate

someonetocrowdyouwithlove yeah??

forabeatofadrum Yrah He acknowledged that he probably gave me reasons to be nervous about the world championship situation and how that led to us missing out on spending time together Cause obvs I couldn’t join my dad and brother while I was cheering on Yeah Nah

someonetocrowdyouwithlove Yeah Nah??

forabeatofadrum the Australian team but SPOILERS they got eliminated on the first day

someonetocrowdyouwithlove THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOING TO SPOIL FOR ME OKAY?? The server has a strict no spoiler rule for the world championship there’s a hidden channel that you can only access after you’ve watched it But yeah oops I don’t really know any teams

forabeatofadrum Damn smart of the mods to do that I’ll opt into that channel whe n I get home But yeah idk what’s going on with my dad or why he’s having all these profound moments, but I am not complaining

someonetocrowdyouwithlove maybe you can ask him?

forabeatofadrum Maybe idk we’re not like you and your dad. We never really talk about deep stuff We just like being around each other sometimes most of the time but yeah apart from the little fall out on the first day, it was a nice trip and I was happy to see my dad and brother again. I def miss my mother now. i should give her a call

someonetocrowdyouwithlove god yeah, I should give my stepmother a call this period is hard on her too

forabeatofadrum Sorry to hear that Kurt

someonetocrowdyouwithlove it’s fine I mean, we’ll be fine But you know I think my dad would hate it if I were to go on like this any longer I;m actually thinking about doing something big

forabeatofadrum ??

someonetocrowdyouwithlove With The Guy, I mean like actually properly asking him out the next time I see him

Right. The Guy. Of course they’re talking about The Guy.

forabeatofadrum oh

someonetocrowdyouwithlove Like, maybe if all works out, I’ll have something else to associate this month with Obviously it will never take away the pain and June 28th will always be a sad day no matter what, but I quite like the idea of having other things in June. Cause right now the entire month is just weighing me down and like you said before, it doesn’t have to be Does that make sense??? I’m not saying that asking out The Guy is magically going to solve everything that’s happened since my dad died, but I hope I have something to look forward to/something else to focus on. As you keep reminding me (thanks!!) I have been doing so much better ever since I moved back to my university city and maybe this will be a way to see how far I’ve come?? If he says yes, then yay, and if he says no, then lmao at least I have something else to sulk about Which I KNOW isn’t very healthy

forabeatofadrum You gotta do what feels good who cares if others might think it’s weird it’s YOUR life!

someonetocrowdyouwithlove thanks, as always You’re a good friend, Blaine

forabeatofadrum 😊

someonetocrowdyouwithlove GAH sorry I am talking about myself again

At least Kurt notices. Still, Blaine cannot be angry at him to his face. Blaine knows that Kurt loves talking to him.

forabeatofadrum It’s fine, it’s definitely on your mind

someonetocrowdyouwithlove It definitely is!!!

forabeatofadrum Do you think The Guy likes you back?

Blaine stares at his screen. Did he really just write that? Why is he fishing for answers? He knows that Kurt has probably read it, so he can’t delete it. Kurt gave him a way out, and instead he continues about The Guy.

He watches Kurt type a response.

He waits.

someonetocrowdyouwithlove I don’t know, and that is kind of nerve wrecking. Like, I am certain I wanna give it a shot, but I am not certain enough he’ll like me back, so I am trying to not get my hopes up. Idk if I ever mentioned it, but the two of us had a rough start, which is mostly my fault. I think I started liking him the moment I saw him and that made me super nervous, because ya know, grief stuff. So I always sort of avoided him and I think he interpreted that as rudeness. Don’t judge me, Blaine, but I don’t even know his name. I never asked because I was avoiding him and then we actually started getting along and I didn’t want to ask him, because then he’d realise I never knew and that’s rude!! But because of that bad start, I don’t know what he thinks of me. I’d like to think he no longer hates me. I mean, we seem to have a positive work relationship and what not. So I don’t know.

forabeatofadrum Well, all you can do is wait Anway back to Splatoon!! When will you watch the matches?? I need to talk to you about it because it was so great

someonetocrowdyouwithlove I think I’ll watch the semi-final tomorrow and the finae the day after, if I have time

forabeatofadrum There is this brilliant play from the Backsquids during a Clam Blitz round in the finale so you gotta keep your eyes open for that!!

someonetocrowdyouwithlove Will do

Blaine’s thumbs hover over the screen. What else can he talk about? He feels kind of like a dick for cutting Kurt off when he might’ve talked more about The Guy, but he just couldn’t stand it any longer. He also doesn’t want to dwell on the dad stuff. And what can he say about Splatoon 2?

Blaine realises that for the first time ever since they met, he has nothing to say.

forabeatofadrum we’re about to start boarding. Ttyl?

That’s a lie. Blaine has a little under an hour to spare, but he doesn’t know what else to do.

someonetocrowdyouwithlove Yeah!! 🤗 Have a safe flight

Blaine takes his earbuds out of his bag and he waits for his plane to arrive.

--

When Blaine steps out of the elevator and turns the corner to go to his apartment, he sees Mr. 21 standing there at his own door. He looks amazing in that outfit and Blaine takes a little moment to watch him. Mr. 21 is in the process of leaving, but he hears the wheels of Blaine’s suitcase and his head turns towards him.

Blaine smiles widely.

Mr. 21 smiles back.

“Hey,” Blaine waves and walks towards Mr. 21.

“You’re back,” Mr. 21 says softly.

Blaine nods.

“Yeah, I was in Los Angeles visiting family, but oh God, I’m glad to be back on the East Coast.”

“You’re originally from Los Angeles?”

Blaine shakes his head.

“Westerville, Ohio.”

Mr. 21’s eyes widen and he has a surprised smile on his face.

“I’m from Lima, Ohio.”

“Cool,” Blaine says, even though Lima doesn’t sound very cool. Blaine’s stomach ruins the moment by making noise. Blaine lets out a laugh. “Sorry, it’s been a long day. I’m going to…” he motions towards his door.

Mr. 21 nods.

Blaine passes Mr. 21, who sighs, and he opens his bag to find his keys, but then he hears a “Wait!”.

Blaine gives Mr. 21 a questioning look. Mr. 21 is looking back with a nervous, but serious look on his face, which unsettles Blaine a little bit. Mr. 21 has never looked at him like that before.

“Yeah?” Blaine asks.

“Maybe this is bad timing,” Mr. 21 says quietly and Blaine has to lean forward to hear him.

“Yeah?” Blaine asks again, when Mr. 21 trails off.

“Would you, uhm, like to have coffee someday? Before work? A-as a… uhm, as a date?” he says so silently, that Blaine needs a moment to process what just happened. Did he hear that correctly? Or is it Mr. 21’s voice? Mr. 21 has always spoken softly and quietly, but Blaine never minded. He doesn’t hear Mr. 21’s voice a lot, but he likes it. He is as soft-spoken as Kurt.

Wait a second.

If Mr. 21 is asking what Blaine thinks he’s asking, then maybe it’s not a good sign that Blaine’s thinking about another guy.

“Sorry, what?” Blaine asks, dumbfounded. Did Mr. 21 ask him out and is he thinking about Kurt instead?

“A date,” Mr. 21 says again, but now he sounds even more nervous.

“Yes,” Blaine blurts out, but then that treasonous part of his mind goes ‘what about Kurt?’, and he adds “No!” without thinking.

Mr. 21 frowns and Blaine can’t blame him for his confusion.

“I mean,” Blaine quickly adds, “I mean, uh, you’re really great and attractive and now that you’re actually nice to me I think I have started liking you back, but it’s just-” his stomach grumbles again. Maybe this is a way out. “-I just got home and I’m not thinking straight. I’m not straight either, in case you’re worried that’s it. But, uhm, yeah… can you give me some time?”

Mr. 21 opens his mouth to say something but then he closes it and his frown deepens. Then he nods while looking at the ground. Blaine suddenly feels really bad.

“It isn’t a no!” he says.

“But it isn’t a yes either,” Mr. 21 states.

“But it isn’t a yes either,” Blaine confirms woefully. Fuck, he’s ruining it.

“Then, uhm, see you around?” Mr. 21 still doesn’t look at him.

“See you,” Blaine quickly finds his keys. He needs to get out of here.

[manilaluxon]

Queen Friendship Appreciation - Violet Chachki and Miss Fame

“Miss Fame is my pep talk, spiritual guidance, motherly, heart of gold, can talk to her about anything. We can relate to each other on that level, as well as an aesthetic, high fashion level. We can talk about clothes and models all day long.”

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Randy Meeks with an s/o who does SFX makeup would include~

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

- Randy and you talk for the first time because of your hobby. He saw you drawing designs for your next project and thought it was really cool so he struck up a conversation with you and complimented your work.

- The two of you talked for a while and later formed a friendship with each other; up until he decided that he really liked you and needed to shoot his shot before he lost the girl of his gore filled dreams.

- Soooo many compliments. You’ll always look forward to showing him what you’ve done to yourself because of his reactions. It also makes having him come over to see the process a lot more fun.

- He’d love to help you film little videos or make little horror shorts for/with you; maybe even start a good old fashioned website/blog.

- He’s taken a bunch of polaroids of all the different looks that you do. The two of you joke that if anyone were to find them by accident, he would be called into the police station for questioning.

- Even though he knows that it’s just you under all the makeup and prosthetics, he still jumps and gets freaked out when you move weirdly or jokingly snap at his fingers when he puts them near you.

- Definitely kisses the nose of your weird monster makeup.

- He has an extensive horror movie collection so you’ll have all the references you’ll ever need. He also has a large repertoire of ideas for you to try if you ever run out of them yourself.

- He’s completely willing to go under all of the spearmint and prosthetics if you ever want to give making him over a try. He won’t admit it but it’s also partially because he likes being able to look at you up close for a while and feel your hands on his face.

- Please teach him. He’s so interested in learning how to do all of it.

- He’s always amazed by how much work it takes and all of the stuff that you use just to put one look together. He always loves coming over to watch or coming over and doing his own thing, sporadically checking in and seeing what you’ve done so far.

- Lots of questions. He’ll usually lean against the back of your chair and ask them, watching you in the mirror while you’re too distracted to see his loving little smile.

- Completely willing to hold a little mirror; or other things, for you or help you do things to the back of your head/wherever you can’t see perfectly.

- He’s happy to help you take everything off but he always feels really bad when something inevitably sticks and pulls at your skin.

- He’s sort of like a kid in a candy store when you take him to all the shops that you go to. He’s always happy and willing to drive you and loves walking through them and holding your hand while looking at all the gory stuff on the shelves. He’s also pretty good at finding stuff so he’s always a helpful companion.

- Need some props or a mini set for a photo shoot? All you have to do is ask, baby! Whether it’s going to a thrift/antique store or the hardware store for wood and tools, he’s your man and he’s happy to do it.

- Overall, he’s ecstatic to have found a girl like you. You’re the perfect match.

[trippin-over-my-fandoms]

I’ve seen this done before but here are my modern!rdr2 social media headcanons for the Van der Linde gang.

some of these are LONG and then some are shorter. doesn’t mean I love any of them any less however. I just did my best with all of them. 

* I treat the gang as family especially for my modern au 

Dutch

frequently uses Facebook and has dozens of friends he doesn’t even know. like if he gets a friend request he’ll accept it. John tells him he might as well just make his page public and Arthur pleads with him to make a facebook PAGE so that his random friends will stop liking posts that Arthur tags Dutch in. 

Dutch has no idea how to make a facebook page. 

he also has a Twitter and a massive following at that. He’s VERIFIED. 

all of his twitter posts are vague though

are they a joke? are they political? is it what he’s eating for lunch that day? literally no one knows.

Hosea

also has facebook but doesn’t use it because why does he need to look at pictures of events he was at. he only uses it to see things he didn’t partake in

also has snapchat but just to keep up with the kids 

because life360 was too much to deal with for everyone

and snapchat is cool

also he can and will spam you with bitmojis 

Arthur

used to use facebook a lot but stopped because he was tired of his posts getting likes from people he didn’t know and friend requests from people Dutch was friends with. 

plEASE

he has a private facebook for a reason, he doesn’t want other people to know his business. 

he also has an instagram but anything he posts on facebook also goes on there. it’s not aesthetic or pretty or anything and he doesn’t even caption over half his pictures. 

he literally only uses social media so that his friends and family know he’s alive

has snapchat because of Hosea but barely knows how to use it 

doesn’t get why everyone wants to use snapchat when teXTING AND CALLING ARE RIGHT THERE

John

the question is what doesn’t he have.

john has been trying to make it big on social media since youtube came out.

his youtube used to have videos on it but he deleted them because they were cringy and arthur liked to send them to the group text. 

plays twitch games on the weekends and sometimes with Jack but he thinks most of the subscribers are there for his kid since most of his solo streams don’t do as well

has a twitter, doesn’t follow Dutch, literally envies that he’s verified. 

he’s tried everything but no matter what he does nothing pans out

uses tiktok to promote twitch streams

instagram feed is mostly selfies of him but 99.9% of the time he’s wearing sunglasses and the caption is some random quote 

also has facebook but only to appease Arthur and Dutch, he doesn’t even have a profile picture. Claims only boomers use it. 

an avid reddit user. if he’s got problems he’ll go to reddit. claims reddit saved his life. everyone’s tired of the story so they stopped asking. 

also uses snapchat more than he should and the only social platform he has more than 100 followers on. 

Charles

same as arthur and has both facebook and instagram and posts the same on both except his are pleasing to look at. 

they’re unintentionally aesthetic 

he uses a psd on all his pictures and won’t share what it is

has monthly life updates that start with some inspirational or deep quote and then text that pushes the instagram word limit

also has a deviantart , has shared psds there before , constantly tries to convince Arthur to get it. 

used to use tumblr but he forgot about it

Abigail

the definition of a facebook mom. 80% of her facebook posts are about Jack or parenting. 

Instagram is similar but also different, she’s actually a relatively successful influencer with over 1,000 followers. 

all of her friends and family (who have instagram) follow her

has snapchat solely for the cute bitmojis and to send John adorable snaps of Jack playing with all the fun filters. 

she also won’t take a selfie unless it’s with snapchat because she no longer trusts her own camera. 

also uses pinterest and has a collaborative board with all the ladies. 

but in general, on her own, she has too many boards. she uses pinterest for EVERYTHING 

Sadie

bold of you to assume she uses social media. 

she does just not a whole lot. 

checks it once in the morning and once at night. 

except pinterest because how dare Abigail get her into it. but even pinterest she only uses in downtime. 

has facebook and instagram but there’s maybe only five posts.

if anything she’ll post on her story

will only snap Abigail and Arthur otherwise she doesn’t use snapchat

all of the social apps are mostly offloaded on her phone anyways

if she needs to know anything she just checks the group text which she has on do not disturb because they text way too much. 

Molly

she’s verified on instagram 

it’s also the only social platform she’ll use, which frustrates Dutch because he wants to be friends with her on facebook

but she’s happy with just instagram 

she keeps it simple 

and the main theme to her posts are fun outfits in her ever expanding closet

the other posts are usually of plants that she’s managed to grow. she’s not the best at being a plant mom but she’s still a good one to the ones she’s managed to keep alive. 

the only thing she contributes to the pinterest board are her own pictures of her plants which are overly aesthetic. 

Karen

started out with a normal instagram account then made a spam account which she ended up using way more often.

all of her posts are extremely chaotic

and usually reposts from her snapchat

has a reddit just to troll John

reposted his cringy youtube videos to reddit and got hundreds of upvotes

if you wanna see the most raw and chaotic videos of Arthur and John then she’s the one to follow. 

also if you wanna see Abigail when she’s not all put together. 

is the reason there’s so many memes in the collaborative pinterest board

Mary-Beth

has a instagram but also has a second instagram for art and book reviews

or basically anything she’d post on her tumblr

which is her second most used social

also uses facebook but only because she is an admin for one of those multifandom blogs. 

also begs Arthur to get a deviantart. 

uses pinterest most but only second to Abigail

literally the queen of pinterest DIYs

Micah

has twitter

as far as anyone else knows that’s all he has

maybe he has snapchat?

maybe they saw him on snapmaps once? 

all he ever does with twitter though is retweet anything Dutch posts.

yet somehow he has so many followers. 

Lenny

anyone who has snapchat has streaks with Lenny

even Hosea who doesn’t understand why it’s a thing

he also posts a lot on facebook but it’s mostly travel or vacation photos everyone is just a tad jealous of. 

Lenny always seems to be busy but still has time for streaks with his friends. 

he’s also an up and coming youtube vlogger

Sean

also has reddit to troll john

but he also legitimately uses it too. 

he’s also really popular in the minecraft subreddit , don’t ask

also has twitch and also has way more subsribers than John

and a youtube which he’ll upload (overly edited) twitch streams to

everyone subscribes to him but they don’t tell John that.

also has a tiktok and is up to date on all the trends because of course he is

Kieran

got facebook when he was 10 and just never left.

literally doesn’t use any other social media

he’s not in the group text either so he has to facebook message Arthur to know what’s going on. 

but he shares a lot of memes and cute pictures of animals

he used to follow Dutch but unfriended him when he was the only thing he ever had on his activity feed. 

Susan

has facebook but claims she doesn’t have time to use it

Arthur knows this to not be true because she will like a lot of his posts. 

she’s also guilty of liking every single picture in one post or album. 

Arthur has also caught her looking at memes and using recipes she finds on there. 

also part of the pinterest board but never contributes. 

Trelawny

he has an account for everything

like

litereally

everything. 

even whatsapp and linked in and kik

even tinder

the only one anyone knows about are his facebook, twitter, and instagam

but there’s no posts on any of them except twitter

he’s also verified

but for unknown reasons

any posts on his facebook are ones he’s tagged in

he’s also in a lot of facebook groups

Strauss

runs a subreddit

a paid facebook admin of several pages

the only person who actually knows this is Dutch because Strauss has told him about it

he has no online presence whatsoever out side of those.

Javier

spotify king

has over 500,000 subscribers on youtube

uses instagram but as another platform for his music

edits his own album covers

top tier playlists too

Tilly

aesthetic queen

the most put together and pleasing to look at instagram feed next to Charles. 

uses pinterest a lot as inspiration and for making moodboards.

also uses tumblr to share moodboards

part of the sims global community facebook group

she keeps saying she’s going to start a youtube vlog but hasn’t yet

keeps trying to convince John to let her help him with his youtube.

she also uses twitch to play minecraft and sims

oh and she set up a minecraft server for everyone

Bill

facebook boomer

that’s it

I don’t know how else to put it

probably shares heavily republican posts

Swanson

didn’t use social media until tiktok.

he doesn’t do dances or anything but he does post weirdly obscure and chaotic videos that end up trending on more than one occasion

it’s usually drunk ramblings in his car that end up being hilarious

or videos of the others almost dying or ending up in the ER

Pearson

facebook boomer but make it cool.

also shares conservative posts but less offensive ones compared to Bill’s

likes almost every post any of his friends share

also comments on them too

Uncle

does he have social media? no one knows for sure. 

yet somehow he knows what’s going on

even if nobody can find any of his social accounts or have ever seen him using one before let alone doing anything on his phone other than playing cheesy mobile games.

[softholand]

gingerbread kisses - t.h

pairing: tom holland x youtuber!reader

warnings: a lot of dialogue and some good old festive fluff

words: 2.5k

a/n: this is like a part two of my youtuber!reader series, it can also be read on it’s one but if you haven’t read chocolate kisses yet, you can do it here i really hope you guys enjoy it and please let me know what you think!! ✨

It was another normal workday at your flat, you had all your lights and camera set in your living room, ready to start filming. Today’s video was going to be a Q&A with a special guest, Tom Holland.

It was expected that your baking video with him was going to be one of the most successful ones, but you weren’t expecting the number of views that, to this day, a whole month later, kept coming.

With so many comments almost begging you to bring him to your channel again, you finally gave in and asked him to do a Q&A with you, but since it was the end of the year and Christmas was just around the corner, you decided that, while you answered your viewer's questions, you two could build gingerbread houses.

“Tom, where are you? I’m about to start this without you!” You shouted from the living room floor, where you were seated. “I’m coming, I just had to get something before,” Tom answered, appearing in front of you, wearing a ridiculously ugly Christmas jumper, making you burst out laughing.

“Oh my God! Where did you get that?” You asked, trying to recover from your fit of laughing. “Oh, don’t worry, darling! There’s one for you too!” He stated, taking an identical jumper from behind him.

“You’re not letting me get out of this, are you?” You questioned, sighing when you saw him shake his head. Once you took your (his) hoodie out, replacing it with the ugly sweater, you were finally ready to start recording.

“Hi guys, welcome back to another video! This week we have a special guest that you guys have been asking since our last video together.” You said, giving Tom time to sit next to you. “It’s Tom!”

“It’s me!” He exclaimed, smiling at the camera. “This time we’re not baking anything but, since Christmas is almost here, I thought it was a good idea for us to build some gingerbread houses!” You said, pointing to the kits you had bought on your last trip to the grocery store.

“It’s been so long since I’ve done this!” Tom smiled, clearly excited to start. “But, instead of just sitting here, I asked you guys on Instagram to send some questions so we could answer while doing our houses. What do you think?” You questioned, looking at him.

“Dangerous… but fun!” He said, making you laugh. “So, we have the Christmas tree with the lights on, it’s starting to snow outside, I’ve made us some hot chocolate and of course, we cannot forget our ugly sweaters, courtesy of Tom.” You grinned.

“You’re welcome!” He praised, making you roll your eyes. “I’d said we’re ready to start.” You announced, to which he gave you two thumbs-ups.

Once you had taken the house out of its package, you laid all the biscuit parts in front of you, Tom doing the same beside you.

“So, the first question is “What’s your best/worst memory together?” You let them know while putting the baking glue on your biscuit. “Do you wanna start?” Tom offered, to which you shrugged. “It’s okay, you can go first.” You said, seeing that he already had the answer at the tip of his tongue.

“Best memory is your twentieth birthday party.” He stated, without taking his eyes out of his project. “Why?” You asked, also concentrating on building the house.

“C’mon, y/n! You know why!” Tom finally looked up, making kissy lips to you. “Tom! It’s supposed to be a surprise for the end of the video!” You whined, earning a chuckle from him. “Okay, fine! I’ll behave!” He said, making you laugh this time.

“I think my favorite memory of us is at the Far From Home premiere party! We had so much fun!” Tom declared, making you smile. “Yeah, that was nice!” You agreed, thinking about your favorite memory with Tom. “Mine is probably when we went to New York, I loved that trip!” You confessed, remembering all the crazy things you and Tom did back then.

“Yeah, that was a good one!” Tom agreed, smiling at you. “Worst one has to be the time paparazzi locked us outside of that restaurant. It was awful, I honestly thought I was gonna die that day.” You remembered, feeling chills cover your body. “Yeah, same!” The boy next to you answered, clearly feeling down just thinking about that event, so you made sure to quickly change the subject and ask the next question.

“So, the next question is, what was your best trip?” You asked, motioning for Tom to go first. “Mine has to be Bali, I loved that place and I’m dying to go back.” He stated. “Tell me about it, I was so jealous when you guys went there!” You whined, remembering the photos he kept texting you. “What about you, y/n?”

“Oh, 100% Christmas in New York!” You told him, without even having to think. “It was magical!” You smiled, remembering the trip like it was yesterday.

“Nice! I never spent Christmas in New York!” Tom commented, before going for the next question. “What’s the other Starbucks order?” He asked, taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

“Yours is tea!” You said, rolling your eyes. “Hey, I drink coffee too!” Tom uttered. “Rarely! Most of the time is Chai Latte or a Royal English Breakfast Tea.” You stated and of course, Tom had to agree.

“Yeah, you’re right! I should try more of their stuff. But you also always get the same, White Chocolate Mocha or Peppermint Hot Cocoa at this time of the year.” Tom listed, making you smile knowing that he knew your drink orders.

“But it’s just soooo good! I can’t help it!” Tom chuckled, before passing your phone back to you for the next question. “That’s a good one, who’s the messier one?” You questioned. “I don’t even think I have to answer this, you guys realized that from our last video together!” You declared, making you both laugh.

“Ok, I’ll give you this one. I’m pretty messy! But I’m trying to get better at it, I promise!” Tom added, to which you chuckled. “My house is built, now I just have to decorate!” You announced, making Tom gasp by your side. “What?! There’s no way! I’m still trying to make these walls stick together.” He whined, making you chuckle.

“That’s because you’re not using enough glue, look, you have to put a straight line across the whole biscuit, otherwise it won’t stick.” You told him, showing exactly how to do it. “But the glue it’s showing on the other side.” He reasoned. “It doesn’t matter, Tom! We’ll just make it look like snow. See?” You pointed to your own house and he nodded, going back to work, focused on finishing it so he could start decorating.

“Next question, what’s the most useless talent you have?” Tom asked, already laughing. “Mine is really stupid but I can put my feet on top of my head,” Tom stated, demonstrating exactly what he was saying, almost knocking everything that was on the table in front of you off.

“That’s not a talent, you’re just flexible.” You rolled your eyes, to which he laughed. “You’re only saying this because you’re jealous you can’t do it.” He smirked, clearly trying to get on your nerves. “Shut up, I have a much better one, I can lick my elbow.” You said, also showing your completely useless talent. “That’s… weirdly impressive.” Tom expressed making you both laugh.

When Tom was finally done building his house, he joined you and started to decorate. You told him and your viewers that you were going for more of a white Christmas theme, while Tom expressed his desire to make the house as colorful as possible.

“Tom, I think the next question is for you.” You gave him a look, before continuing. “What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?” He gasped, putting one of his hands over his chest while you laughed. “Why are you coming for me today?” The brown-haired boy asked, pretending to be offended.

“I’m sorry, but how many times have you broken your nose while filming?” You asked once you had stopped laughing. “Three, actually, two and a half, the last one wasn’t a complete fracture.” He explained, trying to not make a fool out of himself.

“Well, I’ve never injured myself badly, just some paper cuts, which for me it’s very dumb.” You mentioned. “See? Your answer is dumber than mine and still, I get the title.” Tom shook his head, making you laugh. “So, taking a break from the questions, what are you doing with your house?” You questioned, taking a moment to observe his work.

“I’m gluing some gummies on the roof.” He exclaimed, putting the icing on the sugar-coated candy before sticking it on the house. “And you?” Tom asked, stopping his movements to look at yours.

“I’m putting shredded coconut on the roof and a little bit on the floor, to make it look more like snow.” You smiled, happy with what you had done so far. “Uhh, bougie!” Tom uttered, sticking his tongue out.

“Shut up! Okay, question number… I don’t even know what number we are, so… weird habits of each other? Oh my God, Tom makes SO much noise to eat, it’s ridiculous!” You blurted, to which he immediately complained. “I do not!” He exclaimed. “Yes, you do!”

“You never said that to me!” You laughed at Tom defending himself. “I have told you, at least, a hundred times!” You stated. “Well, at least I have control of my own body, you can’t stop bouncing your leg for literally two seconds.” He exclaimed.

“That’s because I have anxiety and you know that! I’m always moving a part of my body!” You practically yelled. “Still annoying!” Tom said. “Well, I can’t help it!” You interjected. “Neither do I!” He replied. “Next question?” You asked. “Please!” He shot back, making you both burst out laughing.

Once you stopped, Tom took your phone and asked the next question. “Do you have nicknames for each other?” He smirked, making you panic. “Hey, you said you’d behave!” You warned, pointing a finger at him. “I will, promise!” He told you, but that didn’t stop you from being nervous about his answer.

“I sometimes call her cherry, because she can do that trick with the cherry stem, it’s unbelievable!” He smirked, making you blush. “That’s actually pretty easy to do!” You said, trying to make light of the situation. “Oh yeah, it’s totally easy to tie a knot with a cherry stem with your tongue. Super chill!” Tom added, without taking that stupid smirk out of his face.

“Stop it! I don’t think I have a nickname for you, I call you spider-boy sometimes but just to spite you.” You smiled, sticking your tongue out. If Tom wanted to play, you could join his little game.

“I wish I could tell them all the other names you call me in bed,” Tom whispered, making you almost choke on your hot chocolate. “Thomas!!!” You screamed, trying desperately to clean the mess you’ve made. “Fine…” He replied, taking a sip of his drink.

“Ok, since we are almost done with the houses, the second to last question is: If you could, what would you change about your first kiss?” You asked, immediately regretting choosing the question. “Oh, that’s cool! Let me see… no, I don’t think I’ll change anything about it, maybe the place. It was a little too crowded.” He replied, not even trying to hide his smirk.

“Really? That’s all you’d change?” You asked, giving him the chance to take back his answer. “Yep, that’s all! What about you, y/n?” You shook your head, feigning disappointment that he didn’t choose to make you his first kiss. “I’d change the person, you idiot!” You answered, throwing one of the icing packages at him.

“Hey, that hurt!” Tom protested, throwing it back at you. “Stop it! We have to finish these so we can end the video.” You warned, pointing an accusing finger at him. “Oh, I’m done!” He announced, showing off his finished gingerbread house with a very colorful roof, windows, and door. “Already? I still wanna do a garland on the door. I even bought special sprinkles for it.” You stated, rushing yourself. “Of course you did!” Tom mocked, to which you simply flipped him off.

Once you had also finished your house, you and Tom did a quick cleaning of the table, before going back to filming. “We’re back!” You said, to which Tom added. “And we’re finished!”

“I’m really happy, they turned out so pretty!” You beamed, looking at your finished works. “They did!” Tom agreed, smiling widely. “So… before we end this video, we do have a last question, one that was the most asked and that is: are you guys together?” You said, finally acknowledging the elephant in the room.

You and Tom shared some guilty looks before blurting it out together. “Yes!” Tom’s smile was so wide that it made you smile too. “Yes, guys! You were all right! Tom and I are in a relationship now and we are so happy to finally share this with all of you!” You grinned, looking at your boyfriend, that of course was looking back at you.

“Yeah, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world and I honestly couldn’t be happier,” Tom murmured, making you blush. “Stop it!” You smiled, now completely lost in his eyes. “I think you have to finish the video now, darling!” He joked, bringing you back to earth.

“Oh, yeah, right! So… that was everything for today’s video, I hope you guys enjoyed it! Don’t forget to give the video a thumbs up and subscribe to my channel! Please, let me know what you guys thought in the comments section down below and… I think that’s it. Do you wanna say something?” You asked, shifting your eyes to Tom. “Thank you for having me again and I hope to come back soon for another one!” He said, giving the camera an adorable little wave. “Bye guys! See you next week!” You cheered, getting up to stop the recording. “We did it!”

“Yay! Can I eat now?” Tom quipped, before smashing his house in half. “Thomas!!!!” You shouted, not believing what he had done. “What?! We’re not supposed to eat it?” He wondered, putting one of the cookie pieces in his mouth. “I mean, yeah, but not… like that!” You tried to reasoned, to which he scoffed.

“C’mon, you didn’t think I wasn’t going to make a mess, right?” He smirked, signing for you to come closer. And you did, sliding right in front of him, straddling his waist.

“You’re an idiot!” You teased, clasping your arms behind his head. “Hmm, c’mere!” Tom lifted your chin and there was nothing more to do other than kiss his lips, so you did, only this time, instead of chocolate, they tasted like gingerbread.

tagging some of my mutuals ✨ @stuckonspidey @definitely-not-black-cat @missnxthingg @bi-writes @uglypastels @screamholland @peeterparkr @wazzupmrstark @tomhollandthing @lauras-collection @tommybaholland @mrs-hollandstan @duskholland @allyz @hazinhoodies @hollandcreep @worldoftom @whatevsholland @geminiparkers

[taekooktimeline]

1) I admire a lot the hard work you put into your timeline, please don't take it the wrong way, but how do you make sense of taekook happily dating but not seeing eo during their long break in 2019 ? Ppl keep saying it's not healthy for couples to be always together and it's normal to take alone time since they're workmates but it's not like they can actually "be" a couple during work

Kayla: Sara and I have a goal to go back through 2019 and firm it up even more, but we will have to agree to disagree, and that’s ok! ☺️We both don’t see any breakup in 2019. Tae commented 2019 was an okay year, which I doubt he’d say if they had broken up. Not only that, but through 2019, into 2020, both Tae and Jk were loud in their own ways to one another, which I just don’t see happening if there is a breakup.

We delve into 2019 a little more here: https://taekooktimeline.tumblr.com/post/639391942900350976/december-31st-2019-january-1st-2020

But will expand further as we can.

Keep in mind, they’re closeted so they can’t be fully forthright. Perhaps they did see each other during the break, but they omitted sharing that which is their right to do. Being closeted, not out, it wouldn’t surprise me if Jk decided to not mention this when he spoke about who he saw. And maybe he did only see Hobi and Jimin. I’m going to Japan for 3 weeks without my partner this year (if the pandemic lets up). It doesn’t mean we have issues. I am a person outside my relationship and I like to go do things separate from that. Maybe it’s as simple as that. But I’m not a fan of how people (I’m not saying you necessarily, just Tkers in general) seem to actively look for negativity when I find this quite straight forward - a closeted couple who can’t be fully open, not disclosing all of what they did on their break (which is their right), and people analyzing it so deeply. We only see a fraction of their lives. They aren’t obligated to share, and also keep in mind, as upsetting as people weirdly get hearing this, BTS do lie and avoid being fully forthright and that’s fine. They don’t owe us a thing. So the way I see it, maybe Jk omitted he spent time with Tae, or maybe they did take time to see other people, since they are busy 10-18 hours a day with BTS. There is such a thing as FaceTime when you’re seperate from your person. And I just am a firm believer being closeted means we’re not privy to everything. I wouldn’t necessarily take that comment at face value when factoring in other variables.

Going with the point we only see a fraction - remember how out of pure luck we caught Tae leaving the boathouse Jk slept in during IST? We would’ve never known Tae had even been in there before the sunrise if we didn’t see that one specific frame. They didn’t mention it. They gave no indication of it. What about the drama with hot 100 and the contradictions in stories that got everyone confused? Those examples show they omit. We only see so much. They only share so much.

Leading up to that break Jk gestured very obviously to Tae that he is his life partner. They were spotted going to the movies together. Only Jk knew Tae got nail care one day in a run episode filmed that summer. Jk sat on Tae’s lap. Jk is at Tae’s army zip photo shoot. They’re filmed listening to “winter bear” and are rumored to have shared a 1 bedroom space separate from the members during summer package. Jk gives Tae the “way beyond my imagination” award. In BV4.. which needs to be addressed since people find drama here too for some reason I can’t understand ... he buys Tae a coat, happily announces (mistakingly) he is Tae’s roommate, helps him with Uno, they take photos together and Jk recognizes his playlist in the RV .. plus he protectively offered to cut the thorns when Tae comments on them. Fast forward after the break and Tae holds Jk’s hand, the first public appearance after the tattoo girl scandal. To me that’s a statement on its own. And then from there you have “the closer you are the shorter the letter”, among many other cute moments in winter package, Jk flirtingly asking Tae to car share, and you jump into 2020 with GDA, back hugging in black swan, being loud in general in America (dancing together, being affectionate), Tae being loud about Jk or 🐯🐰on Weverse .. I mean.. I just don’t see how that all happens if there’s an issue. All before the month break, and after the month break, they don’t show any tension or issue. So because a closeted, private couple doesn’t give a full break down of what they did every single day of their vacation, which were not entitled to know, we just ignore all the positive actions and words they made about or towards each other before and after break, or the fact Tae said 2019 wasn’t a bad year overall? I don’t get that.

I mean .. if someone sees an issue so be it but my mind is really firm there was no issue in 2019.

And as far as the living situation goes, we all know Tae has his own space but I actually don’t have any insight into the living situation further. It’s too complex. But I highly doubt Taekook are not seeing each other outside of work commitments. No matter what the living situation is, I’m sure they’re spending time together, or else the relationship would collapse. We get comments, pictures and videos from people seeing them out and about (movies, shopping, food, Namsan, etc..) so that’s pretty obvious they spend time together outside of work.

And as far as Jk’s birthday goes, I’ve heard rumors but I’m not going to share because I’m not comfortable and it’ll just start arguing. Plus I have an opinion on some of the drama of that but again I’m not going there because I just know where that will go. So all I’m going to say is again, we are only privy to so much going on in their lives. But as far as I’m concerned, Tk were fine before, during and after BV4, tattoo girl and jk’s birthday.

Again, totally cool we disagree but this is my stance. Thank you for the well wishes. That’s very sweet 💜

Sara’s General Disclaimer: I may select some asks, think about them and answer in the future through either Tumblr, Twitter or YouTube. Kayla will take over the discussion section as she enjoys active debates and will make the time for it, but I still read them all. Be nice to each other 💜 As it’s natural, I may or may not differ with Kayla’s take/ words.

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Intro Music]

O: Welcome back to the madness of King Bay or the second live action Transformers movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

S: And our second anniversary episode!

O: [laughs] Yay?

S: I sounded way too perky for that.

O: [laughs] As with the first live-action film if you like Revenge of the Fallen then this may not be the episode for you.  But we'll be back soon with G1 episode 41!  So please join us then.

S: Mm, Revenge of the Fallen came out in 2009, still starring Shia LaBeouf and still directed by Michael Bay-

O: It is- [laughs] Yeah, I know, pity.  Uh, it is frequently considered the worst of the live-action films which is concerning that both Age of Extinction and The Last Knight have even lower ratings on Rotten Tomatoes.

S: That takes some doing.

O: Right!?! [laughs]

S: Uh-huh.  Technically, even Dark of the Moon has a lower audience score than this one, but a higher critic score.  So, um... make of that what you will?

O: Basically, what we're saying is until Bumblebee came out the uh, series hit its peak with its first movie [laughs]

S: Mm-hm.

O: But!  Let's get started today by talking about our initial experiences with this particular film.

S: I don't think I saw this in theaters, and I found it really unmemorable.  Uh, aside from there being a few characters that stood out that I still enjoy, but they're very few and far between.

O: Okay, so if you remember in the last- the previous [Bayverse] episode?  I didn't remember where I saw the first movie.  I remember EXACTLY when I saw this movie because I watched it in theaters for a bachelorette party.  Personally, I found the concept of watching a manly action film for a bachelorette party to be fucking hilarious, and I still do!  But I really wish it had been for a better movie. I don't remember having much of an opinion on it when I watched it, but I also didn't watch the third movie in the series until literally the last couple of years when I was blazing through a fuck ton of Transformers media.  So, I clearly didn't care enough to see the continuation in theaters or even rent or borrow it until well after had been released.

S: We begin, yet again, with narration from the one and only Peter Cullen!

O: According to our opening scene uh, you know, the last movie is not the first time that Earth had been visited by Cybertronians.

S: Ah, shocking!  We are shown some craggy mountains populated by ancient humans with spears.

O: Said ancient humans come across a huge Cybertronian installation of some sort and a bunch of Cybertronians.

S: Mm-hmm.  Ominous.  And then there's a weirdly ancient Egyptian or alien-esque Cybertronian with a staff that's apparently in charge.

O: Several humans are squished, and presumably they're all destroyed before we move on to Shanghai, China in the modern day.

S: Oh, will this be relevant?  Who knows!

O: Maybe!  Maybe!  Maybe.

S: We see the Autobots and the military guys from the last movie now working together to hunt down the remaining Decepticons.

O: The combined group is named N.E.S.T.  Short for, “Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty.”

S: Oh, that's a mouthful.

O: It is, so hence ‘N.E.S.T.’

S: Yeah.  There have been some additions to the Autobot roster.

O: Which for simplicity's sake we're going to talk about them now, because they don't really do a lot-

S: Yup.

O: -in the movie.  And they do show up (kind of) in that last section but again, very few of them even have lines.  I- I think aside from Optimus, the character with the most lines might actually be Ironhide?

S: Yeah.  Um, Sideswipe, not a lot of his personality from G1 or any other iteration for that matter is carried over in this, unfortunately.  Instead of being a Lamborghini he's apparently decided to channel Tracks and is instead a Corvette Stingray.

O: And yet, still no Sunstreaker to be found, much to my frustration.

S: Jolt, a new character who's not in the movie except at the very end and he has very few fleeting shots in between and has no lines despite his bio saying he's come to Earth to join Optimus’ group in the last two years since the first movie.  He seems to use electric whips. [makes whip noises]

O: [laughs]

S: And ah, promptly dies in the Dark of the Moon prequel comic.

O: So he never really does get to do anything.

S: Yeah.

O: So then we have Arcee, Chromia and Elita One.  They are referred to as the ‘Arcee Sisters,’ or if you want to get really confusing, the ‘Arcee Twins’!?

S: [laughs]

O: Even though there's three of them-- at some point.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, but instead of, you know, their- them being referred to by individual names.  Apparently, they were written as one entity and while it depends somewhat on what real- related media you're looking at, the three of them are commonly portrayed as a multi-component Transformer much like Reflector.  They have very little personality, and they do very little in the movie.  Their alt modes are all motorcycles.  Arcee is pink or red, depending on the toy, Chromia is blue, and Elita One is purple.  Their robot modes sort of resemble Thrust from Beast Machines as they have no legs and function like weird sentient unicycles.

S: Yep, and then there's Skids and Mudflap.  Oh boy, where do we start with these two?  Well, uh, first, there's definitely someone out there who could have given a better breakdown on this than two random white ladies.  Uh, awkward… sorry.

O: Yeah, just in advance we are both white women, we do not know what we're talking about here from a personal perspective.

S: Yeah, so we're just going to sum it up with an extremely uh- in an extremely generalized way.  There was a lot of backlash for these two characters due to them possessing a number of racist african-american stereotype- stereotypical traits that at worst point to the people involved being racist in their own regard, or at best, really not thinking through how this was going to come across to the audience.  They've been referred to as comic relief in the same vein as Jar Jar Binks at several points.  Which is I think a good comparison for our purposes, and unlike the other five characters we just rattled off, these two will feature somewhat prominently in the movie so we'll talk more about them as they pop up.

O: At least kind of in vague sentences because as we said, none of the characters really do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah…

O: Even the ones that are in there for the bulk of the movie, don't do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah.

O: And then our returning Autobots from the first movie are Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Ratchet.

S: Mm-hm.

O: We see N.E.S.T. surround a construction vehicle that transforms into a huge ass robot mode and begins wrecking shit.

S: Yep.  Things go boom and everything's extremely orange and blue regarding the lighting and environment.  The second car Decepticon is spotted nearby and he tries to evade N.E.S.T. but is almost immediately bisected by Sideswipe.

O: We don't even really get to see his robot mode either- like, he sort of vaguely transformed I think, to like, crash through a building and then was- turned back into a car and was immediately killed by Sideswipe.

S: Yup.  Optimus is fucking airdropped from a plane-

O: [laughs]

S: Uh, to take on the construction vehicle Decepticon.

O: I- I'm pretty sure they just really wanted that shot of a semi driving off a damn plane.

S: Yeah.

O: Which I mean, okay, fair, it's a cool shot but still.  Uh, so then we see Optimus transform midair deploying some parachutes that have the Autobot logo on them... for some reason.

S: Is branding that important to the Autobots or their allies?  Plus, uh, someone's gonna need to go collect those later.

O: I wanna know why he landed in the middle of a highway- in robot mode!

S: No one here seems to think critically about any of this stuff when they're effectively undercover.

O: Apparently not.

S: I mean how many people with cell phones are taking photos and video of this? TONS!

O: Tons!  That becomes somewhat relevant later.

S: Even though people are still being evacuated.

O: Well, yeah- it said people were being evacuated but then to all these- all these shots that happen here, you still see a bunch of cars on the road.

S: Yeah.

O: While this is all happening.

S: And people still in their homes.

O: Yeah!

S: Optimus catches the rogue Decepticon who tells him menacingly, “The Fallen shall rise again!”

O: Hey, if it gets me out of this movie faster I for one welcome our Fallen overlord.

S: Unfortunately, we've got like, another two hours to go.

O: [sighs] Fuck.

S: And now in a completely different movie!  Sam is getting ready to leave for college.

O: His parents are having very different reactions.  His dad can't seem to wait for him to leave, while his mom is tearing up at every little thing that reminds her of Sam.  Apparently, his dad's got plans for his room, and I'm thinking, “Man cave- how creative.”

S: Ah, he wants his personal theater system, I guess.  After being hugged by his sobbing mother, Sam comments that, “You see this Dad?  This is how you're supposed to react when the fruit of your loins goes into- out of the cruel world to fend for himself.”  Okay, god that is such a cringe line.

O: I don't want to think about the fruit of that man's loins.  I don't want to think about that man's loins at all, okay!?

S: Neither do I, that's why it's so cringy.

O: Yeah- yeah, thanks- thanks for that Sam.

S: [sighs] We are treated to an awkward moment when Sam's dad spanks his mom on the butt as she walks away.  Sam is disgusted- I guess he is our audience surrogate in this moment.

O: His dad then tries to play it off as, “It's like a coach,” and NO that does not make it better! [laughs]

S: That actively makes it worse!  Sexual harassment is not okay.  Sam is apparently the first Witwicky to go to college.

O: I have questions.  Again, what the fuck does Sam's dad do that allows them to have this huge house that didn't require a college degree at any point!?  Who knows!  Uh, the Witwicky’s have apparently got another dog since the last movie, uh, so just another thing to add to this movie-- dog humping.

S: Lots of dog humping, in their dog condo.  It's kind of unsettling.

O: I don't know why they thought that this needed to be in the movie, but here we are.

S: Mikaela calls Sam, intending to break up with him- she is the most emotionally mature person in this movie.

O: Yep, pretty much!  They talk, uh, Sam insinuates that they're going to be entering a long-distance relationship while he's at college.

S: While they're talking, Sam pulls out an old ripped t-shirt.  His D-Day shirt as he refers to it.  Which is apparently, the shirt that he was wearing during the battle in Central City from the first movie.

O: This is important!  This is a plot point!

S: Yeah, we also have to assume that he has never washed the nasty shredded clothes from that day.  Because, I suppose, he wants to hold them and relive the memories of being chased by giant alien robots that wanted to murder him.

O: [laughs] No clue.  Uh, Sam does try to convince Mikaela to move near the college he's going to, but she refuses.

S: Her father's been released from jail since the first movie, and she insists on needing to take care of him.  That should not be poor Mikaela's responsibility, but she is the most responsible person in this movie as I said.

O: Well, and I get it, right?  Like, her dad just got out, presumably she has not seen- really been able to live with him for years.  She's both worried about him, and probably wants to spend time with him.

S: Yeah, that's fair.  Convenient plot device is convenient, as a sliver of the AllSpark falls off of Sam's shirt while he's on the phone to Mikaela.

O: It seems to zap Sam and then he drops it.

S: When it lands on the floor it burns its way through the floor and into the kitchen bringing a bunch of kitchen appliances to life.

O: They all attack Sam.

S: How did they get ammo?  Does just being brought to life just give them ammo?

O: Uh, dear god, why does one of these things have a penis?  That's my question.  Furthermore, why is it shooting things OUT OF ITS PENIS!?!

S: Because... Michael Bay.

O: I had- yeah, that's all I got, man.

S: Bumblebee bursts out of the garage and begins shooting at the little Decepticons, saving Sam's sorry ass yet again.

O: Maybe Bee should be trying to smash them instead of shooting at them?  They're on the front lawn at this point so all I can think is- their neighbors have to be able to see this!

S: I thought this was in the back lawn, but I'm not sure.

O: I- they're outside, he's no longer in the kitchen.  He's trying to shoot Decepticons outside the house, it probably is the backyard, but I don't know.  Sam yells at Bee to get in the garage.

S: Way to micromanage your giant robot bodyguard slash friend. [sighs] Again, it's like- you'd yell at a dog or something.

O: [laughs] Bad Bumblebee, bad!  Of course, Bee smashed out of the garage, uh, despite having a perfectly good door in front of him and then re-enters through the hole he had previously made.

S: Sam's mother is not happy about the surprise kitchen renovations, but Sam's dad calms her down by telling her that the government will pay for it all.

O: I'm so glad to know that this is where my taxes would be going to in this universe.

S: Well, it's definitely worse than some of the other things that it could be going for.

O: [sighs] I suppose that's true.

S: Sam's mom is like fine, but I want to pool and a hot tub!  And I quote, “And I'm going to skinny dip, and you can't say shit about it!”

O: And quite frankly that woman's put up with a lot of stuff, I- I respect- you know as long as she's got a good fence- her right to skinny dip in her own yard. [laughs]

S: Yeah, they need that privacy fence.  Sam goes into the garage to tell the audience, I mean uh, Bee, uh, how Bee can't come to college with him.

O: For reference, ignore the bit in the last movie where Bee talked because that's just gonna be ignored for like, three freaking movies.

S: Yeah.  To calm Bee down he says, “You'll always be my first car!”

O: Not even, you're my best friend- you're my first car.

S: “Congratulations Bumblebee, you're my possession!”

O: Pretty much!

S: Oh, that's creepy.  Sam gives the AllSpark shard to Mikaela for some reason, because Mikaela shows up at the end of all of this.

O: Right, you know like, everything has exploded, Mikaela's out there looking lovely with a bouquet of flowers.

S: Yep, instead of calling the Autobots or giving it to Bumblebee, nope it is given to Mikaela for safe keeping.  Well, I mean she is the most sensible person out of the civilians?

O: Everyone here?  Yeah, it's not that it- can't make it that- it's not that I don't think Mikaela can keep it safe.  She manages to do so quite swimmingly through this movie, but it's rather… not that she can use it at all, and it could potentially be dangerous for her to have it on her person!

S: Yeah.

O: And Bee is right there!  It's not like he couldn't give it to Bee and tell Bee to take it to the Autobots.

S: Yeah, like, that would be, uh, a lot more sensible.  Though if they'd done that it might have been put in with the other... another thing that happens later in the movie.

O: [laughs] True.

S: Anyway, they smooch, words are said, and a somewhat sappy 2000 era love song plays.

O: Meanwhile, no one seems to notice the toy remote control truck that's being controlled by no one.

S: A remote controlled truck that is somehow communicating with outer space, and somehow this character will be vaguely important

O: Shush!  My boy is here!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Soundwave shows up and takes over a surveillance satellite.

O: I'm sure I've mentioned this before at some point because I know I've said this multiple times, at least to Specs, but yes, I actually like the Bay version of Soundwave.  He's not in the movie much, but having him take over a satellite and spend the rest of the movie gathering intelligence and sending troops out? *chef’s kiss* Feels very in character, keep going baby.  His design is still garbage... just like everybody else though.

 S: And his voice sounds very nice.

O: That's because it's actually Welker!  He's allowed to be in this movie, doing a sizeable chunk of the speaking Decepticons even!  This is not a G1 similarity I necessarily expected, but I do find it hilarious.  Apparently, he also did the voice for Soundwave in a bunch of other language dubs too, which while interesting... I have to question why?  It's not like Soundwave's voice would have necessarily sounded the same in those other languages in the original G1 dub.  It just sounds like an odd decision?

S: Money.

O: Money.  I- kudos to him for attempting it at least?  But I still don't know why they did it.

S: Back at the N.E.S.T. headquarters, we see Mudflap and Skids uh, shenanigans, and they're unloading dozens of bodies!   Presumably, soldiers that died in Shanghai, uh- that's, uh, welcome to the morbid stuff that they don't spend any time on it at all.

O: Uh, why Sideswipe silver?  You had one job movie, one job.  Sideswipe is a little red sports car this is like, his defining characteristic- surely this was doable!

S: I don't think anyone involved in making the movie was a very big fan of G1 or wanted to maintain, you know, artistic integrity with regards to that.

O: [sighs] Yeah, I know, what am I saying?  I think the actual reason is I've heard red is harder to film?

S: Oh, that might be right.

O: Like- but- [sighs] I don't- it could be, because I want to say- I'm sorry if I'm incorrect- I want to say that's actually the reason Optimus’ color scheme got changed around quite a bit?

S: Mm.

O: And why he's got more blue on him.

[According to TFWiki: “When Optimus's design was first revealed, many fans of the Generation 1 series objected to the flames seen on Prime's body. When asked in an interview why he put the flames on, Michael Bay claimed he liked them because it was "cool". It was later revealed on a special featurette on the DVD that the flames were added because, apparently, red is not very good to film on camera, so Bay chose a blue truck but used the flames so that when Optimus transformed, the layout would result in maintaining his iconic red chest.”]

S: So, a jumped up government official shows up at N.E.S.T. headquarters.

O: And I think we all know where this is going.  Uh, this will be our bureaucratic bastard for this evening.

S: Yeah, you know, the wimpy suit who keeps getting in the way of the ARMY men and their REAL job- AMERICA!

B: [laughs]

S: Sorry, um, and here we have a lovely shot of Optimus transforming.  It's like some nice rotating thing.

O: Okay, get the robot transformation porn out of the way, next!

S: [sighs] And the bureaucratic weasel confronts Optimus on why haven't the Decepticons left the planet now that the AllSpark is destroyed, like they thought they would?

O: Optimus seems to take the opinion that Daddy Prime knows best.  Weasel's not super happy about this, but Optimus does say the Autobots will leave Earth if asked.  Neither of these groups are handling this super amazingly.  (Yes, even Optimus.)  Both sides have a point, if they'd stop trying to wave their metaphorical DICKS around and actually talk from a position of respecting each other's expertise, I'm betting this would go a whole lot better.

S: Probably.  The N.E.S.T. members back Optimus up.  Our only returning characters here are Lennox and Epps, both played by the same actors from last time.

O: Though I did not realize this at first.  I totally thought Epps was played by somebody completely different, and I'm gonna blame the writing because Epps is not given a lot of things to do here.

S: He was a very memorable character in the first movie.

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah, and uh, anyway back to college!  College away!

O: Sam's apparently going to Princeton, on the government's dime no less!

S: Oh god, he does absolutely nothing with it in later films.  Again, we're assuming due to the filming locations that Sam lives in Southern California or thereabouts so we're a bit surprised to realize he actually decided to go to college on the other side of the country.

O: It certainly doesn't come across like Mikaela is a priority in his life.

S: Yeah.  I mean seriously, he could have gone to school in California there's plenty of good schools in California.

O: Yup!  But uh, are you ready for some booze and boobs?

S: [sighs] We're introduced to Sam's roommates.

O: The only one that will actually play much of a role in the plot will be our buddy, Leo here.

S: I hope you're being sarcastic.

O: I mean- I mostly mean that he's there.

S: Well, no, I meant with the buddy bit.

O: [speaking while laughing] Uh, yes, that was sarcasm.

S: Yeah.  Uh, Leo runs a conspiracy theory website called The Real Effing Deal which is currently scrambling to get a- footage of the fight from Shanghai.  Uh, from earlier in the movie up on their site.

O: Which again, is ABUNDANT!  Because Optimus landed in the middle of a highway.

S: Yup.

O: Anyway, they're trying to do this until another person, Robo-Warrior, one ups them and gets the footage up, I think on a different site, first.

S: Yeah.  Sam does his best to play cool and blow Leo and his friends off because it's all, “Fake.” [laughs]

O: Also, I'd like to take- take a moment to note the era accurate Naruto poster decor among the sea of boobs.

S: Yeah.  Leo makes a comment that he and Sam are poor.

O: Alright!  Sit down and buckle up because this legitimately pissed me the fuck off.  So to rant for a moment, let's go back down the checklist of Sam's white fucking privilege, shall we?  He lives in a big house in a nice neighborhood.  In what we are assuming is Southern California, which is not a cheap place to live.  His parents have enough time for leisure activities and in fact, go on vacation in Paris after dropping Sam off.

S: Yup.

O: His dad bought him a car in the last movie and yes, he was very much implied to be being a cheap ass at the time, but at no point is there any indication he couldn't have bought Sam a nicer car.

S: And the car that he's driving when he like, jerks him around on what type of car he's going to get him, it looks like it's a fancy expensive car so...

O: That's also true!  Speaking as someone who grew up in a lower income rural area, and I say this not even remotely being the worst off in that area.  Our floors were rotting out, every time we had a heavy rain we had to run to the windows with towels because so many of them leaked, and more applicable in this situation- my family did not have the money to save up for college for me, or any of my siblings.  Yes, I realize the government is apparently paying for his tuition, but that just proves my point even more, because Sam's gonna come out of this with no student loan debt!

S: Yup!

O: So poor my fucking ass!

S: Uh-huh.  Sam's mom shows up in his dorm room high is a goddamn kite because she apparently bought and ate some brownies from the bake sale not realizing that they were weed brownies.

O: And she's just gonna be a punchline for the next several scenes, sorry.

S: Yeah.  To just list a few of the things that his high as a kite mother does: She talks about him losing his virginity loudly, and kind of at length to various women in the hallway.  [nervous laugh] And in the surrounding environs, mentioning that his car is a talking robot, tackles a dude for some frisbees, and petitions Sam's dad for sex on the campus green.  Considering how much she ate it's very likely she will need to go to the hospital because her knees may attempt to kill her.

O: Uh, then we cut the Soundwave, apropos of nothing, uh, ejecting Ravage into space.  Look, I get him for 10 seconds I'm going to fucking enjoy it.

 S: Ravage’s design here is very prominent with the pointy bits and teeth.

O: Rawr. [laughs]

S: And he lands near a US military base and runs over to a pipe sticking out of the ground and basically- uh, ralphs up a bunch of itty-bitty bots?

O: Into the pipe.  Uh, you know.  So I’m just saying uh, Soundwave’s baby had babies, this clearly makes Soundwave a grandad.

B: [laugh]

S: All the bots fall down the pipe and once they're at the other end meld together to form a new bot that is...gah.

O: He's interesting!  At least, visually, in that he is basically flat, so he can be borderline invisible when he's looking head-on at something.

S: He looks like a knife raptor.

O: Uh, this thing's name is Reedman and he doesn't show up except in this one scene.  Uh, he also brings our ‘Decepticons voiced by Frank Welker’ count up to three after Soundwave and Ravage.

S: Reedman?

O: Reedman, yeah!  I looked at the wiki!

S: [laughs]

O: I looked at the wiki, and I was like, “That's a terrible name!” but that's the name!

S: I am judging whoever named that character, so hard.

O: [laughs] Aren't we just judging the entire movie?

S: Oh yes, but…Reedman?

O: Fuck if I know, man.

S: Another piece (aside from Sam's piece) of the AllSpark is being held here so, uh, Reedman gets to work stealing it.

O: Alarms begin to go off and several military guys arrive at the bunker and shoot at our knife raptor.

S: Ravage begins firing at the base to distract them.

O: I'm very amused he's got his tiny little hip missiles too!

S: Meanwhile, back at the plot we're all absolutely dying to continue- cough, cough, no, cough.

O: [laughs]

S: Sam's been dragged to a college frat party by his roommates?

O: It looks like a frat party.  I don't even know why they want to bring Sam uh, they don't even seem to like him.

S: Eh, they want to have someone less cool with them so that basically they can be like, “Hey, look at that lame guy, we're much cooler.”

O: Well, Sam is definitely the least cool person in the area right now due to mommy shenanigans.

S: Yeah, while at the party Sam is missing his first video call with Mikaela.  God, you are such a sucky long distance boyfriend, Sam!

O: Right!?  You had one job!  So we see Mikaela getting ready, taking her hair down and talking to her doggo while getting her computer set up.

S: Sam's- uh, promptly begins to spazz out by the uh, snack table and draws strange symbols with food.

O: These symbols are Cybertronian and the AllSpark fragment has helpfully downloaded a bunch of stuff directly into Sam's brain.

S: [sighs] We've upgraded from they want the glasses to they're going to want the brain, aren't they?

O: Something along those lines, yes!  Quite frankly, again, I think they can have it. [laughs]

S: One partygoer notices Sam's new hobby and saunters over to seduce herself to him.

O: [laughs] Uh, blondie's name is Alice, and don't worry we'll get to see her panties later because what the absolute fucking fuck Bay!?!

S: [sighs] Bay, why- why'd you hurt me so? [sighs] There's a discussion about girlfriends and Sam says, “kind of,” in regards to having one.

O: Kind of?  KIND OF!?!  Sam, you dick waffle!

S: [sighs] The quintessential jock yells, “Who drove the freaking yellow Camaro!?”

O: Sam’s Bee senses tingle, and he leaves the party.

 S: Bee is waiting outside on the lawn, or possibly the bushes but…

O: In that general vicinity! [laughs]

S: Yeah, but Alice follows him down and hops into Bee's passenger seat.

O: Bee attempts to communicate to Sam that this woman is ~baaaad news~ using various voice clips and songs.  And this would have been a really interesting bit if Bee did have his voice back and he had to communicate with Sam like this because he's doing it in front of Alice!

S: Yeah, like, that would have been interesting and a neat way of utilizing his past experience to communicate.

O: Yeah, because I- I don't know remember if we've talked about this super much but there- there's nothing wrong with Bee still relying a bit on that because it is kind of funny and entertaining to see.  It's- just make it so he has to use it in scenarios with other people around?

 S: Yeah, god, he could do so much with musical lyrics.

O: Pretty much!

S: Alice seems to know something is up, as Bee makes her as uncomfortable as physically possible as he can, including spraying her with a icky yellow liquid and slamming her into the dashboard.

O: She exits in a huff before Bumblebee takes Sam to a graveyard where the rest of the Autobots are waiting.

S: So that was night.  Now we are inexplicably in the daytime, I think?

O: Morning.  Early morning it looks like.

S: Yeah.  Optimus tells Sam the last piece (or as much as he is aware) of the AllSpark was stolen and attempts to convince Sam to remind the other humans why the Autobots are necessary and why they're trying to use a college student for this is a big question.

O: I don't know- and Sam says no, because he's just a normal college student.  I don't understand this, I feel like I would jump at a chance like this?  Like, dude, does it have good health insurance?  Does it have a pension?  Yes?  Sign me the fuck up!  But I want to ask, why the heck didn't Sam tell the Autobots here about the fragment he gave to Mikaela!?

S: Because he's a shitty little baby- I mean, obviously.

O: Oh, [unintelligible].  Then out in the middle of the ocean in a different movie… Over the Laurentian Abyss, which is where the dead Cons were dumped in the last movie.  Several Decepticons have stowed away on what looks like a cargo ship.

S: The fact that it's going directly over where they need to go is uh... they probably hacked it.

O: Wouldn't shock me.

S: Yeah, so who the Decepticons are is absolutely unimportant.  The only recognizable one is Ravage.

O: And I think only one other one will actually get named.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, so they all jump off the ship and into the water, and I have to you know, bring up- they specifically said they dumped the dead bodies into this trench because of the pressure and cold in the last movie.  So, why are all these Cons just perfectly fine with a little skinny dipping?

S: I mean, maybe it's just supposed to keep- I don't know, whatever self-repair systems the dead ones have from working and it doesn't do shit to like, perfectly fine robots?  I don’t know.

O: They were using cold as a weapon against them in one though. Like, against Bee.

S: That's absolutely true, but I mean, if cold didn't [did] do anything to them how would they operate in space?

O: I don't know, but they clearly had Megatron on ice.

S: Who knows... yeah.

O: And he got frozen in the Arctic!

S: Yeah, I know, the entire thing is garbage.  It may be- maybe water- maybe frozen water is their kryptonite?  God. [laughs]

O: Welcome to Earth! [laughs]

S: Why didn't they dismember the Decepticons, or incinerate them?  Or you know, take important parts, crush them, destroy them or whatever.  Like, throw them in 100 different places- that would work a lot better than this!  Run them through a trash compactor or something, before they dump them down into the Laurentian tre- Abyss.

 O: I’ll tell you exactly why.  Uh, because the government put out a bid for trash removal and the lowest bidder won.

S: The government does stupid things, many times. [sighs] We see a military sub monitoring this area, reading the five Cybertronian life signs.

O: They reach Megatron and a little doctor bot (whose name is Scalpel), starts uh, poking around at his corpse.

 S: [sighs] He shouts about his need for parts, and one of the nameless Constructicons is offed.  The parts and the AllSpark fragment are all shoved into Megatron.

O: So Megatron's back.

S: Yup.

O: And yet, still voiced by Hugo Weaving so I don't care.  No offense, Hugo Weaving.  Uh, get back to me in two movies.  Also notice they didn't kill Ravage here, because I'm entirely convinced Soundwave would end them.

S: Probably, because I mean, they did like- the little doctor boss specified, “Kill the little one!”

O:  It- to- pointing to a random Constructicon.

S: Yeah.  Fun bout of bad continuity, the radar shows the five life signs, as Ravage and Scalpel are both too small to show up, and then uh, when they come up they have six life signs but uh, you'll remember they had to kill a Constructicon down there.  So uh, it should be this same number, even with Megatron in tow.  Or maybe they brought the other Con- Decepticons back to life, I don't know?

O: I don't think so, we never see them.  They could have brought Blackout back to life, but we'll get into why they didn't later.

S: I mean maybe they brought uh, shoot- Scorponok?

O: No, Scorponok never died in the first movie.

S: Oh… well… yeah.

O: He just- they got his tail like-

S: Oh, that’s right.

O: The- the army guys cut off his tail but then he disappeared.

S: Oh, that's right.  Mm.

O: Megatron's apparently salty enough at humans though, in general, to smash through this- the military sub on his way up, so all those people are dead now.

S: He'd do that even if he wasn't feeling salty, you know that.

O: Oh yeah, he's a bastard, but you know.

S: Uh, Megatron flies to one of Saturn's moons where the Nemesis is being uh, well, it's parked and is used as a base by some of the remaining Decepticons, which includes our old buddy Starscream.  And he knocks Starscream around for taking over the Decepticons while he was ‘away’.

O: You know, while he was literally fucking dead. [laughs]

S: And so we are introduced to the Darth Sidious to Megatron's Darth Maul.

O: Including liberal use of the word ‘disciple’!

S: [sighs] So much sighing.  This is the Fallen whose name we will not find out in the movie itself because it would be really fucking confusing to have Megatron, and his master, Megatronus, running around.

O: Also, um, a bunch of little baby robots in pods?  On the wall.

S: Robot eggs.  So many robot eggs.

O: But no really, I'm not sure we can explain that any better than we just did- so just roll with it.

S: Yeah.  Anyway, the Fallen isn't shown to have an alt mode in this, but once you see him you do realize he was the Transformer that was shown at the very beginning of the movie while Optimus was monologuing.

O: And as kind of mentioned previously, he looks vaguely like the queen from Alien, but you know, with eyes and a huge staff he fights with.

S: And less arms and no tail.

O: Yeah.  Apparently though, only a Prime can kill the Fallen.  Don't ask us how the fuck that works!

S: I guess only a Prime can kill a Prime?  Because wasn't the Fallen a Prime?

O: Yes, he was considered a Prime but I don't- I still don't know how the mechanics of that work is what I'm getting at.

S: Is it just a weird cultural hangup?

O: I- I don't know!  That's what I'm saying, it's never explained!

S: I know, I know.  This will get weird in a bit.

O: [laughs]

S: It will! [sighs]

O: But they're like, “So if we remove that one pesky remaining Prime we’ll be off scot-free!” [laughs]

S: Yep.  The Fallen explains that the AllSpark cannot be destroyed it can merely be transformed.

O: Everything transforms on Cybertron, but right now the AllSpark is currently living rent free in Sam's head.

S: And I think he wants some goddamn rent, but I think we all want some goddamn rent for having this living rent free in our heads.

O: [laughs] Right!?!  Bay, you should pay us for watching this movie!

S: [sighs] So, the Decepticons are going to go after Sam (again), kill Optimus, or at least make another attempt at it (again), and presumably somehow use Sam's brain as they AllSpark.

O: But then Starscream walks in holding a dead robot baby, waving it around and saying they need more Energon or all the hatchlings will continue to die.

S: Well, someone apparently… uh.

O: I just don't know why this is here. I'm sorry, I don't- I don't know why they felt the need to have Starscream motioning while holding a dead baby!

S: [laughs] Being a very bad nurse maid-

O: Yes!  But now it's time to go back to school.

S: I already want to hit someone in this class well, multiple someones.  Sam is setting it in on his physics class.

O: With the absolute creepiest, filthiest, fucking professor I have seen in a good long while.

S: Ah, innuendos, a god complex, this man is so many sexual harassment lawsuits, and a restraining order waiting to happen.

O: This is not appealing!  Who the fuck does this appeal to?

S: I don't know but I'm ace, so I'm possibly not the best person to ask.

O: Is this a straight woman thing!?  Where the hell are we gonna find one of those this time of night?

B: [laugh]

S: Sam starts freaking out like he was uh, doing at the party, writing equations, and stuff all over the board.  He basically gets up, and bowls his way into- up to the front of the class and basically shows up the shitty professor.

O: Uh, Bulkhead did this in Prime, I'd like to personally nominate Bulkhead as our main character instead of Sam.

S: Oh yeah, Bulkhead would be a much more fun character.  Sam is promptly kicked out of the class uh, because showing up the professor and also the fact that the dean is apparently there.  So he's been- that professor has been like this while the dean is there.

O: Yes, so, uh, obviously he's sleeping with the old lady too, is what I'm getting from this.

S: That's creepy, it's even worse!  I mean, this is a female dean.

O: Yeah, female dean not just a random like, male dean, I mean an older female dean!

S: [sighs] Oh god.  Sam calls Mikaela mid freak out, and realizes that the AllSpark has caused his little problem.

O: Uh, so he asks her to bring the AllSpark fragment to him on the East Coast.  Uh, by the way I would just like to take a moment to tell you this very important information, Mikaela's dog's name is Bones.

S: Uh, the little remote controlled truck Decepticon, who we regret to inform you is this universe's version of Wheelie, uhh, is stalking around the garage where Mikaela is.

O: Wheelie, uh, clearly hasn't gotten the memo on you know, Mikaela taking out a Decepticon with a power tool in the first movie, decides to be a dumbass and say, “You're hot, but you're not too bright,” as he attempts to steal the AllSpark fragment.

S: The fact that Wheelie has some sort of metric for human um, attractiveness is honestly, really concerning.

O: Just a little bit.

S: [sighs]

O: Uh, predictably though, Mikaela fucks him up with a welding torch, including taking out one of his optics.

S: Wheelie begs for mercy from the Warrior Goddess.

O: At last Mikaela is given a proper title.

S: Uh-huh, and then Mikaela shoves him in a box and hops on a plane.

O: Metal box, I feel like it's important it does actually hold him.

S: Yeah, a metal box, and hops on a plane with him and the AllSpark.  And honestly this feels like something that she couldn't successfully do after 9/11.

O: Which is hilarious, because this was definitely filmed after 9/11.  So we just have to go with she's so sexy that she was able to get the big metal box on the plane without having to go through an x-ray.

S: Except that everything that goes on the plane when you check it should go through x-ray…

O: I know, I know!

S: Or-

O: Boobs!  The power of boobs!

S: Never mind that the power of boobs should not, you know, somehow affect the people that do not get exposed to the boobs.

O: See- see this is why uh, this movie would have been stopped in its tracks if one of the TSA agents had been a woman- a straight woman.

S: Or one of the people who sorts stuff or- because like, just imag-

O: It looked like it was her carry-on.

S: Now I'm just imagining that the people, because like you know how they sometimes go and randomly open bags to go through the contents? [laugh] I'm just imagining someone doing that and then there being a major freak out because out comes a stupid remote controlled car that’s yelling at everyone.

O: [laughs] Yeah… yeah.

S: Uh, then we cut to a short segment showing that all the Autobots are heading to locations on the East Coast as the rest of N.E.S.T. mobilizes.

O: But wait!  Decepticon pretenders are afoot at Princeton!

S: That's not ominous at all.  Sam is in his room going nuts and writing stuff on the wall.

O: Uh, and then Alice pushes her way into Sam's room and attempts a rather forceful seduction. 

S: She straight up picks him up and tosses him on the bed.

O: Which really should have been his first clue that something was very wrong!

S: Yeah, because Alice is not uh, portrayed as a…

O: A big woman.

S: Yes.

O: She's very slight and conventionally attractive.

S: Yeah, so she gets on top of him, and then we get the most awkward shot of Decepticon panties as the metal tail comes out from underneath Alice's extremely short dress.

O: Thanks for that Michael Bay.  I always, always wondered what brand of underpants Decepticons were wear, given the chance.

S: [sighs] She kisses Sam, apparently with tongue, and Mikaela walks in and is understandably pissed.

O: Alice asks if she's his girlfriend and Mikaela just says, “Ex,” and walks out, and I'm just like, “Yes, girl DRAG him!”

S: And meanwhile, Leo is sort of fluttering around in the background.

O: Yes, uh, because Alice pushed past him to get into their dorm room.

S: Sam attempts to follow, but Alice is 99% done with his dumb ass.

O: Uh, she attempts to strangle him with her suddenly very long and metal tongue.

S: Ah, that has apparently been places I do not want to think about.

O: I do not want to think about any of this, yeah.

S: Yeah.  Sam is able to escape, and we see Alice transform into a very obvious robot.

O: Sam, Mikaela, and Leo run into a nearby library where Sam and Mikaela begin having a whisper argument.

S: They're busy whisper shouting this entire time.  Alice catches up and smashes through the library, still chasing them.

O: I'm surprised this thing still has hair in robot mode.

S: Hair?  I mean its still got boobs!

O: Bay, what the fuck!?

B: [laugh]

O: So they hop in the car, Mikaela saves both their butts by hot wiring it, and slamming Alice into a lamp post before running her over again with the car.

S: Where was Bumblebee during all of this?

O: Uh, he was actually with the Autobots a few- the other Autobots a few scenes back, so he's definitely not here.

S: Yeah unfortunately Sam and company don't get very far and are captured by Grindor who picks them up like, so you know those uh, claw machines-

O: [laughs]

S: At grocery stores?  Grindor basically does that and then he carries them off, like- they’re his claw machine loot.  Nearly losing one in the process.

O: I mean, truely, they kind of are.  So, uh, you- to- get- you know how I just mentioned that they definitely couldn't have brought Blackout back to life?  That is because Grindor looks exactly like Blackout, but he's not Blackout.  Because Blackout died at the end of the last movie, and we totally thought he was Blackout and he's even listed as Blackout on some of the toys and a good chunk of promotional material, but- but he's a different character.  I don't know why they did this.

S: I don't know they wanted to keep the trademark in use, maybe?

O: [groans]

S: For the Grindor name, because they used it- I think, in anime- Armada.  I think they used it in Armada, so this was probably just blatant patent-

O: It was bad though. [laughs]

S: Oh yeah, I know.  Or um, trade- name trademarks?  I don't know.

O: But he makes a Decepticon number four voiced by Welker.

S: Mm-hm.  So, the car is dropped into some kind of warehouse where Sam is confronted by the now very alive Megatron.

O: Who's definitely holding a grudge against Sam for the whole ‘killing him in the last movie’ thing.

S: Yep, Sam is laid out on a concrete slab and Scalpel gets to work.  Starting with shoving a metal squid down Sam's throat, uhh…

O: No, no, no!  No, no, no, no, NOPITY, nope, nope, nope nope!

S: Yeah, this is uh, pretty gross and I don't like it and I don't think anyone else likes it either.  A metal squid uh, exits his mouth and projects images of what's in Sam's brain. [groans]

O: But!  This is apparently not all the information in his brain, as Scalpel definitely intends to remove it from his head.

S: Sam is saved just in time by the Autobots.

O: I want to know how Megatron even got into this warehouse.  There's not any like, big holes that we can see or anything, aside from the one Grindor- when Grindor dropped the car through.

S: Yeah, there really don't seem to be any openings big enough for him that we can see.

O: Okay, just going to assume mass shifting in this continuity for no good reason, okay.

S: Either that or he did the stupid ‘I'm a contortionist’ through the door, which seems way more respect for the -

O: [laughs] Robot limbo!

S: That seems to be way more uh, respect for the integrity of this building than Megatron should feel.

O: Yes!

S: Ah, so, um, Leo and Mikaela escape in Bee while Optimus takes Sam.

O: So they're separated, and Optimus has to fight Megatron alone.  And Megatron turns into a tank for a split second!  I didn't even realize this version of him could BE a tank!

S: Yeah, he's a multiformer?

O: Apparently!

[In the background crowd noises are heard as the hosts begin speaking like sports announcers.]

O: But now, it's the match of the century here at the Forest Fighting arenaaaa!

S: It's Megatron versus Optimus tonight, folks!

O: The Warlord himself versus Optimus Fucking Prime! [laughs]

[A wrestling bell rings in the background to signify the start of the match.]

S: Optimus gets a good right hook in.

O: Right before being tackled by Megatron!

S: Is that legal?

O: Hell if I know!  It's giant robots, it's all the same amount of legal!

S: Oh!  He's got the tree!

[The crowd increases in volume.]

S: Optimus has got the tree!

O: What a hit, you know that one must have hurt!

S: And now it's a sword fight?  They both are up and swinging away!

O: It just turned into a three-on-one match, folks!

[The crowd begins booing.]

S: Oh no- no, Optimus- Starscream and Grindor have joined the fray!

O: Wait, somehow a human's gotten into the arena.

S: Starscream and Megatron are chasing him down.

[The crowd increases in volume]

O: But Optimus has intercepted them and has taken them both on!

S: Starscream has been tossed out of the arena- out of bounds, out of bounds!

O: Optimus has gone through a tree!

S: Now the Cons are all just taking turns hitting him.  You hate to see it folks, you hate to see it!

O: Optimus is eatin’ dirt!

S: But he's back and now dual wielding blades!

O: Grindor’s lost an arm!

S: Megatron’s taken a good one to the kneecap.

O: And hit to the face!

S: That's it!  That's it for Grindor!  Hook, line and sinker!

[The crowd roars.]

O: Oh, he must have a splittin’ headache!

S: Or at least he would if he still had a head.

O: But Optimus is distracted before taking the blade to the chest!

[A wrestling bell sounds to signify the end of the match.]

O: That's it!  It's all over!  Optimus is down, I repeat- Optimus is down!  Megatron's the winner!

[Applause and the crowd noise fades out]

O: No really, Optimus is dead now, because Bay wants to make us feel things.

S: Except very badly, and unfortunately, this Optimus didn’t back up his brain on a floppy disk.  And I mean there is no pathos here!

O: Of course somehow during all of this no one ends our suffering by squishing Sam accidentally or otherwise.

S: [sighs]

O: [laughs]

S: The rest of the Autobots drive up just in time to see Optimus body.

O: Where the fuck were they!?!

S: Being useless.

O: Yeah, that checks out.

S: Megatron and Starscream flee and land on a skyscraper in the middle of a city, and then argue about what to do next.  And we cut to Soundwave doing what he does best, remotely managing resources.

O: Which in this case means tracking Sam's parents down in Paris as they enjoy some fine parisian food, and prank calling them.

S: Yeah, his mom is not impressed about the heavy breathing.  Such as it is.

O: We then see several Decepticons, including The Fallen, fall to Earth taking out several air carriers and buildings as they land.

S: One of these Decepticons captures Sam's parents.

O: The Fallen sends out a tv broadcast basically spelling out that he wants Sam turned over to him in order to spare the rest of the planet.

S:  Ah, the news story is shown, letting us know that worldwide the number of casualties is in the ballpark of seven thousand, and well, that's not as horrifying as it came across initially, but mmm…

O: Just seven thousand, for the entire world?  I, for one, welcome our Decepticon overlords.  In case you're watching this in the future, we're recording this at the tail end of 2020 and we live in the US.  That's literally less than 30% of the US’ current Covid death count at this point- eh- while we were researching this episode.  It's probably more now.

S: Sam, Mikaela, Leo, Bee, and the Twins are hiding out in, and around some abandoned buildings.

O: Leo's upset, but Sam tells him to suck it up because he's involved now.

S: A helicopter dumps Optimus’ body over at N.E.S.T., and that was not a respectful handling of a dead body.

O: To be fair, he is very big, and the humans are very small, and that was not an Autobot helicopter.

S: Yeah, but that was effectively a world leader.

O: Yeah, Ironhide is upset and uh, begins to get antsy with his guns.

S: Mr. Government Weasel shows up and shuts N.E.S.T. down.  Lennox gets upset when he realizes the US government is planning out to hand Sam over.

O: And they're right to consider it!  You should (theoretically speaking) hand over one person if has the possibility of stopping a massive amount of death!

S: The problem is it wouldn't stop the massive amount of death, and it would just let them basically strip mine the planet because the Decepticons- the name starts with deception.

O: Fair, but the only ones who would know that are the Autobots and possibly members of N.E.S.T.  From the perspective of government officials, who do not have this information, it makes sense.

S: Yeah.  Skids and Mudflap clue the group in on trying to find someone who can read the Cybertronian text the AllSpark downloaded into Sam's brain.

O: Leo has decided to join them on their uh, “adventure”.

S: In quotation marks.  Which is probably uh, for the best because he knows a guy who might be able to help.

O: Remember the rival internet guy from before?

S: Guess who's back from the first movie, and it might not be your first thought!

O: That's right, Agent Simmons from the first movie, who is no longer- is a no longer an agent, is Robo-Warrior.

S: I feel like the tech guy from the first movie would have probably made a better Robo-Warrior.

O: Yeah, I do too... I do too.

S: [sighs] So, Sam and company arrive at Simmons’ mom's deli, or possibly his deli that his mom works at too or something?  I don't know it…

O: It's not very clear.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, come to find out that Simmons has held on to some old Sector 7 documents.

S: Not just some, uh, he stole a lot of shit from Sector 7.  Like, enough to fill like a sub basement.

O: [snorts] Uh, now Mikaela pulls out Wheelie, who has been in tow in the metal box.

S: Uh-huh.

O: Uh, smooth talking him into helping them.

S: Wheelie also can't read the writing from before, saying that it's in the ‘language of the Primes’ and that they need a Seeker.

O: I had completely forgotten they referred to these guys as Seekers until we watched this again.  I kind of had a ‘what the fuck’ moment.

S: Same.  Seekers, in this continuity are ancient Cybertronians that had been tasked with traveling the galaxy, looking for stars to use as energy sources for the AllSpark.  This is a little bit of a hint, hint, hint, for uh, something that might happen later.

O: In a convenient coinkydink, some of Simmons’ old documents show several of these Seekers in their alt modes.

S: Wheelie is able to identify an SR-71 Blackbird in the National Air and Space Museum as a Seeker.

O: So off the gang goes to Washington DC.

S: Outside the National Air and Space Museum, Simmons rips off his pants, revealing the Sector 7 thong to the audience... and then turns around so we can get the view from every angle.  That’s-

O: No, no, no.  I did not need to see robot balls.  I did not need to see hairy man balls, and I certainly did not need to see hairy man ass!  I'm not even sure why he did this!?  I assume he changed pants but I don't know why he did that right here, in a parking lot, in front of everyone!

S: For the pain, I don't know.

O: [laughs]

S: And thus, they come up with the most amazing scheme to get into the museum as it's closing.  Leo's being a coward and Simmons intimidates him a bit.

O: Oh god!  That man is pressing his man meat against that man's meat!

S: [sighs] Inside the museum, Leo comes out of the bathroom with his pants… mmm, like, down around his ankles, looking for toilet paper.

O: Why did they want to do this to me?  I am feeling personally attacked by the quantity of hairy man I am seeing in this movie!

S: Why are they doing this to us?  It’s not just to you-

O: Why are they doing this to everyone!?! [laughs]

S: Yeah.  The security guard escorts Leo back into the bathroom, chastising him about how this is a family museum.

O: Yeah, the only one guy doing their job here is the security guard, okay?

S: Yeah, and [he] attempts to hand them toilet paper over the top of the stall.

O: Leo then zaps him with a taser and the man falls to the ground.

S: Of course Leo manages to uh, taze himself with the taser too and falls down, kind of by the guy, and is unable to move.

O: Simmons comes in and drags Leo, still twitching, out of the bathroom.

S: I am hoping that his pants are up, but god who knows with this movie-

O: I don't think they were when he started dragging him. [laughs]

S: God, why?

O: Oh, there was butt- his butt cheeks were ALL over that floor.

S: [sighs] So, they run through the museum and find the correct jet, and then Sam uses the AllSpark fragment on that jet.

O: You would think that perhaps, perhaps, before using an AllSpark fragment to wake a Cybertronian up you might check his goddamn faction badge first but, NOOOO!  It’s only after the jet begins to transform they notice the goddamn Decepticon symbol.

S: We are introduced to easily what is not only the best robot character in this movie, but quite possibly the best character in the movie, period.

O: Meet Jetfire!  He's old, he's cranky, he's a delight, and he's got a pretty sweet looking beard.

S: Yep, and a cane made from his alt mode’s landing gear.  You know, for extra old man points.

O: Now bit of a tangent, but in G1 you will remember Skyfire.  Our big sweetie pie scientist.

S: Starscream’s ex, you can't forget that.

O: Can’t forget that, and also frequently utilized as a taxi service by the Autobots.

S: Well, Skyfire is often named Jetfire instead, depending on the continuity.  You know, name stuff is weird...

O: Yeah, and- but this Jetfire doesn't have too much in common with our big old scientist, I just wanted to point out that he was clearly referencing him.  Um, but the one thing he does have in common and the most important thing to the idiots we're following, is that he is a Decepticon defector.

S: Mm-hmm.  Jetfire attempts to fire at a large door to get outside but is uh, having some uh, ‘performance issues’ with his equipment.

O: [laughs] Uh, he is able to get outside, so our party follows him um... into Arizona.  And yes, we know that movies often have to be shot at other locations, or fudge locations and make certain events work.  But I find this one particularly jarring as they are clearly in a desert with mountains off in the distance which does not line up with the geography around Washington DC.

S: Yeah, considering that it was what, a swamp?

B: [laugh]

O: Definitely not a desert with mountains!

S: Yeah, ah, this part was actually filmed at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group, or The Boneyard, in Tuscan, Arizona.

O: Jetfire gives a speech about how being an Autobot or a Decepticon is a choice.

S: An intensely personal choice, even.  And Wheelie's like, “Holy shit it IS!?!”

O: And proceeds to start humping Mikaela's leg, charming.

S: [long drawn out sigh] So many sighs.

O: [laughs] I don't understand all the humping in this movie Bay, I really don't.

S: Juvenile male humor?

O: I guess?

S: Guys think humping shit is funny, somehow?  I don't know. [sighs] Jetfire shows his uh, senility a little bit talking about his parents.

O: “My father?  Why he was a wheel!  The first wheel, and you know what he transformed into?  Nothing!  But he did so with honor- dignity, damn it!”

S: And that is a direct quote-

O: [laughs]

S: Straight from the man himself!

O: He's a delight.

S: [sighs] Sam pulls out a knife and begins carving the uh, Cybertronian symbols into the ground.  I mean, where- where'd he get the knife?  I have questions.

O: Thong man?  Probably?

S: Disconcerting- disconcertingly, yes, that is probable.  Um, Jetfire blabbers off about the Dagger's Tip before generating a space bridge, and teleporting everyone to Egypt with uh, very little warning.  I mean the only warning he gives them is, “Hold on or you'll die!” to the nearby squishies

O: I also feel like we need to preface, Dagger's Tip as in a location, not talking about the- the knife Sam is holding.  Realize that might be a little confusion without- confusing without context.

S: Yeah, and are Bumblebee and the Twins… are also here?

O: The Twins are also here translated- trans- translated?  Transported.

S: Okay, because yeah, they apparently showed up after they they exited and mass translocated to Arizona. [sighs] Life is weird in this movie.

O: Yeah, so uh, then Jetfire informs us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away… The original seven Primes had arrived on Earth to build a device called a Star Harvester which can create Energon by destroying suns.  Wait, seven!?!  Did they just pick a number at random!?

S: Probably.  I don't think whoever it was making this movie cared about the lore that was in other parts of the series.

O: At least seven is also a prime number…

S: Yeah... I mean, heck, I don't remember if they had a different number in [the] Cybertron [tv series]?  Because Cybertron I think, did have a list of Primes.

O: I think the number’s are usually 13.

S: Yeah, but it's just- I don't remember when that number came up-

O: Mm- that’s fair.

S: If it was before or after this.

[Okay, this is mildly confusing, (as Transformers lore often is) but the rough concept for The Thirteen has been around since 1999, but was really only solidified in 2004-2005 into specifically, Thirteen Primes.  All that being said, even if that wasn’t established in the first movie, it certainly would have been by the time they were creating the sequel. Also, several adaptations of this movie do have thirteen Primes, not seven, and designs had been created for 12 (non-Fallen) Prime heads, so who knows what the heck happened with this behind the scenes. ~O]

S: Yeah, and while they had a rule about not destroying suns that supported life, the Fallen decided that the humans sucked, and tried to turn it on anyway because-

O: He's a dick! [laughs]

S: He was basically the equivalent of a pissy house proud lady who, with a- whose house had a mouse infestation and he wanted to demolish it anyway but… The humans are the mice in this metaphor.

O: [laughs] Uh, the Primes tried to fight him but were unable to actually defeat him.

S: Considering that only a Prime is supposed to be able to defeat the Fallen this is somehow extremely disappointing.  So they took the Matrix of Leadership and sealed it in a tomb made of their own bodies.

O: The Matrix of Leadership is a reoccurring McGuffin in the Transformers lore, but for some inexplicable reason in this continuity it is basically just a ‘key’ for the Star Harvester.

S: Well, I think it also has some other purposes, considering what they end up using it for later… but yeah, it's primarily just the horse- blah, the Star Harvester key.  Jetfire conveys that Sam needs to find the Matrix of Leadership or they're all fucked.  I mean, what happened?  Did turning on Jetfire completely destroy the AllSpark fragment or is it just... dead now?  Could they use that to re-awaken Optimus body?

O: I mean yeah, you would think right!?  Because like, they- they did- they- that's how they brought Megatron back but nobody thought of this!

S: I mean didn't they already have a thing that they could have used to just, wake Optimus up?

O: Maybe?  I don't know.  I don't know.  Moving right along!  Um-

S: I want answers!  Sorry...

O:  We're not gonna get ‘em.  And then presumably, they leave Jetfire in the desert because he needs a good long nap after generating a whole ass space bridge.

S: Well, he basically tells them to get lost before any Auto- before any Decepticons show up.

O: Yeah, because assumably he's gonna take a nap.

S: Yeah, I mean- I think another Decepticon does show up at some point in the novelization, but who knows. I think grandpa beats his pants- or beats his ass.  Sam reaches the conclusion that if the Matrix of Leadership can activate the Sun Harvester then maybe it could reactivate Optimus, like some sort of robot activating skeleton key.

O: Seems like a bit of a reach, but alright.

S: No one knows what's going on here, so I guess, sure!  Let's run with it.

S: They stop by a nearby village allowing Simmons to contact N.E.S.T. and somewhat covertly tell them that they need to bring Optimus’ corpse over to Egypt.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Oh, this is going to be so many… ugh, so many problems.

O: Soundwave is still able to figure out what the fuck they're saying though, and deploys the Decepticons to the same location that Simmons had given N.E.S.T.  You know, do you think his back hurts?  You know, from carrying his entire faction?

S: Probably, but I mean, he's in space so there's not much weight up there right now.

O: [laughs] Probably lessens the feeling a little bit.

S: Using some gibberish about the ‘three kings’ and also, astrological knowledge, Sam is able to figure out where the Primes’ tomb is and uh, the group heads towards the mountains of Petra.

O: Lennox's group has also brought the government weasel with them along on their ‘Definitely Not Transporting a Giant Robot Corpse’ mission, and then they fool him into jumping out of the plane.  So they can carry on without interruption.

S: Slightly less jumping out of the plane and slightly more uh, fooling him into opening the damn parachute that uh, they got the man to wear and then he gets swept out because--

O: It was a parachute. [laughs]

S: Moving plane, open door, there goes the- there goes the parachute.  Oops!  So much wind.

O: And it really might be one of the funniest scenes in the entire movie.  It also reads entirely too close to something our DND group would pull.

S: Oh yeah, yeah.

B: [laugh]

O: Ask our DM!

S: Oh, any one of our DMs.

O: Any one of our DMs, but I'm particularly talking about when my poor husband had to DM.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about the ‘whale’ incident.

[My husband regretted that our party had the ability to summon large creatures and portals on that day. ~O]

So Sam and company arrive at Petra.

O: For the non-documentary nerds among us, uh, Petra is an ancient city in Southern Jordan.  While it does contain more structures than the treasury (which is what I think they show here) uh, this is probably one of the most famous.  You may recognize it as the resting place of the Holy Grail in the Indiana Jones movies.  And as we were watching, I had a minor panic attack at the giant robots possibly breaking things.

S: Oh, and the giant robots definitely break things.  The Twins fight, and hit a wall or a fresco.  Revealing a hollow area behind it with uh, very noticeable giant robot bits.

O: [laughs] Then Bee takes aim at the wall and I have another panic attack.  Though to be fair, he's got very good aim and only makes what is arguably a very small hole.

S: Through the giant robot bits.  Sam enters the new hole in the wall and finds the Matrix of Leadership on the floor.  I guess, cradled in the hands of the Prime corpses?  Which- this is super morbid!

O: [laughs]

S: When he picks it up, uh, it crumbles into dust.  So, Sam does the only thing he can think of, he sweeps all that dust into his sock.

O: Time to go resurrect Optimus with dirty sock dust!

S: Is it the sock of destiny?

O: It is now.

S: I guess it awakens giant robots, but leaves buildings standing.

O: [snorts]

S: All the while uh, he talks about there having to be some sort of reason for everything that's happening.

O: Uh, to quote a much better character, “It's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose,” so Sam you're full of shit.

S: Yep, back with N.E.S.T. uh, they yeet Optimus’ corpse out of the plane and I believe Optimus has parachutes again here?

O: Probably.

S: I mean, if he doesn't that is just so much corpse desecration.

O: [laughs] And it seems like we arrive back where we started in the first movie, as it looks like they're back in that little desert town where the fight with Scorponok took place.  You know, they just- they're just gotta destroy it again.

S: And if that's not that same town it looks extremely similar.

O: Starscream begins firing on Sam and co as they head to the rendezvous location with N.E.S.T.

S: [sighs] The group splits up in order to draw the fire away from Sam.

O: Leo, Simmons, and the twins head off. Bee heads off in another direction, and then Sam and Mikaela head towards Optimus’ location on foot.

S: This seems like a bad allocation of resources but, ohh-kay.

O: [chuckles]

S: N.E.S.T. also spots Starscream, but he has released an EMP burst, cutting off all their communication.

O: Government weasel however, has landed safe and sound and is able to reach (and annoy!) the N.E.S.T. headquarters.

S: Yep and N.E.S.T. uh, headquarters is frustrated that weasel can contact them but they can't contact Lennox's group.

O: Simmons group stops uh, once they realize Starscream has stopped following them.

S: Megatron and Starscream (none too gently) land on the Great Pyramid.

O: God damn, more defacing world heritage sites?

S: Well, the Egyptian authorities would definitely have um, a case against them for this.  Because you know, they they charge people with doing dumb ill-advised things on the pyramids

O: I dunno how you're gonna get money out of Megatron but, alright! [laughs]

S: Eh, I'd go with the blood from the stone thing, and literally selling off materials from his body, but who knows?  That's also very morbid.  Um, Megatron orders an attack and Devastator forms out of more than the requisite number of constructicons from G1.

O: And Devastator makes our last Welker voiced Con for the day, bringing our number up to five-

S: And it’s-

O: -out of 12.

S: And spoiler alert uh, Devastator looks nothing like G1 Devastator, and also this is in like- the same location that Simmons and Leo are at.

O: Yep.  Sam and Mikaela though are continuing their march towards N.E.S.T.  All the while trying to avoid Decepticons, and thus hide in one of the nearby houses.

S: Ah, I like the lighting in the scene, the lighting is very nice.  So one wall is mostly structured from uh, glass bottles.  You know, provides some very nice ambient lighting without the need of electricity.  It just- it's very pleasant.  It's a very pretty look

O: Then we get a really nifty scene of the Decepticons looking for them that's basically, one big long continuous shot of it going out of a hole Sam is looking out, going around the scene and then going back through I think, the keyhole?  For the door to the house they're in.

S: Yeah, that sort of continuous shot's very nice.  You don't see those very often.  Sam catches a tiny Decepticon bug that comes through the hole, leading to them being found, and the house's roof being ripped off by Starscream.

O: They attempt to escape.

S: The Twins uh, begin to fight Devastator, while the combiner tries to eat everybody with his horrifying trash-compactor-crusher mouth.

O: Mudflap is eaten, but doesn't go down easy and punches his way out of Devastator's mouth.

S: The Decepticons reveal that they are holding Sam's parents hostage.

O: But they're all saved by the timely arrival of Bee.

S: Ravage is killed when Bee rips his entire body off his spine??

O: How does Ravage keep ending up in two pieces in these things?

S: I think technically he might be in more than two pieces, but ughhh...

O: Meh, I'm just saying- there was the spine in one hand, and the rest of them in the other hand, at least from my memory.

S: I know, it's just- god, unfortunately this feels a whole lot like shucking an ear of corn.

O: [laugh] Oh, god- yeah... yeah... yeah.

S: [sighs] I'm sorry for that image.

O: Sam uh, tells Bee to take his parents out of danger once they- he- they've gotten them away from the Cons.

S: Uh, Sam's dad argues with him in what we're assuming is supposed to be a counter to his no caring attitude about Sam going off to college in the movie.  One of the only positive things is his dad's care- for his dad's character is that he does seem to want to take care of- take care of his son.

O: Pity doesn't show more.

S: Yeah.

O: Okay, tangent, but you may have noticed we're being less descriptive about things that are happening at this point in the story.  That's because we basically hit a point where the remainder is a gigantic action scene and not really much else.

S: Yeah, it's a whole lot of punch, punch, switch scene, punch, punch, switch scene.

O: Yeah, so-

S: Shoot, shoot, shoot.

O: We're trying, but if something doesn't really make sense it's because stuff is swapping and not a lot is happening.  Oddly enough this movie is actually a good example of why you should keep things simple, from a storytelling perspective.  And yeah, I know if you examine the basis of this movie's plot it is pretty simple, but instead of just, you know, actually going from point a to point b there's just a ton of waypoints kind of getting in the way of the action that’s actually happening.  Uh, like, “Oh well, we'd better go over to this set for yet another action sequence!”  Nothing that's happened in the last 30 or so minutes has really mattered to the overall plot because it's just action sequence, action sequence, action sequence.

S: Yup, dirt, explosions, running, falling down.

O: Rinse and repeat.

S: There is nothing of substance here.  Speaking of pointless, it's back to Simmons for absolutely no reason.

O: Uh, Megatron's been on top of the Great Pyramid doing nothing this entire freaking time and now he chooses to shoot down a helicopter.

S: I don't think he's even been monologuing.

O: Yeah, he hasn't!  He has- that's what I mean, nothing!  He's not even doing anything interesting!

S: Simmons takes the radio from the pilot of said downed helicopter and follows after Devastator as he heads toward the Great Pyramid.

O: American Army porn.

S: And Air Force.  And Navy, [sighs] probably?

O: [groans]

S: Sam and Mikaela are spotted by Ironhide and the three Arcees.

O: Two Arcees are downed by some Cons after their one speaking line in the entire freaking movie.

S: Devastator begins climbing the Great Pyramid.

O: Is Megatron waiting up there for Devastator?!  Is- is it just too much work to wreck the pyramid by himself?

S: He's got all of these lackeys, he wants the lackeys to do shit for him.

O: Oh, lord.

S: Simmons follows and contacts the Navy.

O: Okay- okay, the only thing I can think of here is that they needed Simmons to do something.  Otherwise, why the heck do they call in military reinforcements then call in yet more military reinforcements!?

S: More American Army porn.

O: [sighs] Devastator demolishes the top of the pyramid.  Yes, yes, destroying more history, yes, yes.

S: Yet more American Army porn!

O: And then Megatron chases Sam and Mikaela as they approach N.E.S.T.

S: After many, many, MANY, explosions, Sam and Mikaela reach Lennox.

O: Who's like, “You'd better have a good reason for us to be here!”

S: “I got a sock full of dust!”

O: [laughs] Yes, you do Sam.  Yes, you do.

S: [sighs] Jetfire shows up, taking out a Con with his cane.

O: Then Scorponok, you know, from the first movie, immediately shows up just to stab Jetfire and ruin all of our days.

S: You know, his triumphant return after disappearance in the last half of the previous movie.

O: And now for the moment you- we-

S: [sighs]

O: We've all been waiting for!

S: Ugh… [unintelligable]

O: Do you want me to do it?

S: Yes, please.

O: Simmons says, “I'm directly below the enemy scrotum.”  Why would you say that?  Why would you say it like this?  Why wouldn't you just say, “I am directly below the enemy”!?  Why did you feel the need to add the word ‘scrotum’ to that sentence!?! [laughs]

S: The enemy's anatomy should not be that important, but I guess Bay thinks balls are important- er, hilarious.

O: Important and hilarious.

S: God.

[I am furious that we didn’t know about this clip until AFTER we did this episode, but yeah, this exists.  Bay was SO proud of this joke. ~O]

O: Uh, Devastator comes to pieces after being hit by an experimental Navy railgun from the ship that Simmons has been contacting.

S: Yeah, back with Lennox and company, Epps proves yet again to have one of the best lines in the entire movie.

O: They throw some smoke grenades to provide a target for the Air Force.

S: Unfortunately, this smoke's just a teensy bit too close to the party.

O: Epps responds with, “It wasn't my best toss, okay!?”

S: [sighs] In the ensuing chaos of the airstrike, Sam runs ahead to try and get to Optimus and Megatron appears out of the smoke to shoot him.  Or to dramatically close in on him, I guess.

O: Megatron gets pushed back by some of the N.E.S.T. covering fire and nyrooms away very awkwardly.

S: Except, what's this!?  Sam's dead.

O: [loudly] WOOOOOOOOOOO!

S: Mikaela's not so happy about this though.

O: Uh, sad music plays.  Dialogue can be heard faintly as Lennox and the N.E.S.T. crew begins CPR.  His parents show back up... again.  For what purpose exactly?  I think this would have read just fine with Mikaela just being the only one sad about Sam.

S: I don't know.  If this is their attempt at pathos, but it kind of sucks.  I mean, I know that the audience is supposed to feel bad that this guy's dead but-

O: I don't! [laughs]

S: They did a terrible job of making me care, but now is the moment where Mikaela tells Sam that she loves him.

O: They had a whole thing about this earlier in the movie we really didn't go over but they were having kind of an argument on who should say, “I love you,” first.  Blah- blah- blah- blah-

S: Ah.

O: But now, a window into Sam's psyche.

S: What, you mean it's not just going to be boobs, boobs, and more boobs?

O: No- no the seven Primes appear in a vision to Sam.

S: Oh god, does this make Sam a Prime?  I really hope not…

O: Oh my god!  One of the Primes is voiced by Bulkhead!  And by Bulkhead, I of course mean his voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson.  A man with a huge filmography that I guarantee you've heard at least a dozen or so things that he has done, if not more!

S: The Primes tell Sam that he is worthy of being a Prime.

O: Bulk, why do you have to hurt me in this way, and by extension, EVERYONE?

S: The magical sweaty sock dust reconstitutes into the Matrix of Leadership.  And, I mean, I'm kind of concerned that some of the remaining sweaty sock dust is now blowing away, or maybe this sock will be some sort of horrifying museum relic.

O: Considering what he did with his shirt, I wouldn't be surprised.  Um, but I don't really care, because this just means the movie is getting closer to its inevitable conclusion.

S: Fair.  Sam then takes the Matrix and stabs it into Optimus chest.

O: Stabby stab?  We bring him to life by giving him another stab wound?  Magical stabby stab?

S: I think this is how you get robot zombies.

O: Good thing nobody had any Dark Energon on hand.

S: Or the Hate Plague.  Of course, the Matrix is immediately snatched up by the Fallen.

O: Because we want to have our cake and eat it too.  We need to bring Optimus back to life and also to get the giant sun stun gun going too.

S: So, the Fallen activates the Star Harvester.

O: High levels of shut up and die reached as the Fallen finally reveals some amount of fighting prowess with a bitchin’ anti-gravity staff.

S: Yep.  Jetfire, who has been sort of hanging out this entire time having a giant hole in his chest, sacrifices himself to upgrade Optimus so that he can go fight the Fallen.

O: Jetfire, buddy, sir, you deserved better.

S: He did.

O: Here's one of the few scenes where Jolt is visible as he helps Ratchet get Optimus battle worthy.

S: Yeah, um, the electric whips were somehow needed for this for some reason, somehow.

O: Optimus, having gained the power of flight, begins to fight Megatron and the Fallen.

S: But not before destroying the Sun Harvester.

O: Megatron's face is badly damaged as Optimus moves on to the Fallen and rips off the Fallen's face saying, and I quote, “Give me your face!”

S: Then Optimus rams his hand through the Fallen's chest and uh, rips out and crushes the Fallen’s spark.

O: Starscream, being the sane one here, suggests that he and Megatron flee.

S: Megatron, considering that he is dealing with both a head injury and a missing arm from the elbow down, takes Starscream up on his offer.  The Fallen having been defeated, Optimus returns to the ground and shrugs off all of Jetfire's parts

O: [You] couldn't have kept anything?  The gun?  No, nothing.  Was it a frame thing- did you miss the slimmer frame, Optimus?  Just be honest here, you know.

S: I mean, maybe he considered it kind of morbid having like, corpse parts on him?  I mean that would be-

O: Fuck if I know.

S: That would be kind of morbid, but yeah... it feels like it's just showing disrespect to Jetfire's sacrifice. [sighs] Then we move back to Sam and Mikaela, interspersed with shots of N.E.S.T., the Navy, Simmons, etc.

O: Ah, yes, soldiers, brothers in arms, kissing!  Soldiers, brothers in arms, KISSING!

S: [laughs] Sorry, sorry I was just- like, my brain put those together at first and not what it actually was.

O: [laughs] I mean, to be fair, that would probably be a more interesting movie!

S: Yes.  Optimus thanks Sam for saving his life.  And I have many questions Optimus.  Did you have- what did you see Optimus?  What did you see?  And we end with an Optimus monologue about the two races working together in the future.

O: Ohh, Optimus, you’re- you're just going to be discarded in two movies, sweetie.  Um, don't trust the US Military, we do not have a good track record.

S: Yup.  Linkin Park, much like the first film what plays us out as the credits roll.

O: And thus, we are divided from the rest of the movie.  A New Divide if you will.

 S: Oh, is that a name drop?

O: It's the name of the song. [laughs]

S: Or title drop, yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Alright, so what's your take?

O: Wow, I really don't like that movie.  The last 30 minutes- hour- whatever, felt like an eternity where the only thing happening was explosions, and robots maybe punching each other and I just didn't care about anything that was happening?  The early part wasn't really much better, but at least the characters, you know, were talking to each other.

Um, the writing overall isn't good for like, dialogue and again, some of the events just kind of feel like why did this even need to happen?  And I do think it's worth mentioning that this was filmed during the 2007 writers’ strike.

Additionally, regardless of how bad I personally find the dialogue, I still have to give props to Peter Cullen's performance of Optimus.  Even the first time I saw this movie, I was sad that Optimus died.  And keep in mind at the time I didn't know anything about Transformers, aside from seeing the first movie.  I feel like Cullen puts a lot of heart to his performance of Optimus, and I really can't think of a time where it's felt like he's phoned it in and I really do appreciate that.  Even here, even with the, “Give me your face,” line.

What did you think, Specs?

S: Well, I don't have nearly as much to say as you did.

O: [laughs]

S: Um, I liked Jetfire.  The SR-71 Blackbird is a very neat plane, and I mean, I liked it before this movie came out.  So, I liked him for more than one reason.  But he was cranky, and delightful, and a jet, and the best part of the movie.  Everything else was just kind of painful.  Yeah.

O: Yeah, I think that's fair.

S: Yeah.  I mean, I liked Mikaela too, but...

O: Yeah, she- say goodbye to her because she's not gonna be in the next movie.  This is the last one with Mikaela in it.

S: I think she got the better part of the deal.

O: [laughs] Pity we can't make as graceful as an exit.

S: Yep.

O: But that's it for us now.  Uh, we will be posting another episode.  Uh, where we go into more detail on what we personally would have wanted to see in this movie.  But we know this is running along as it is, and I think based on our estimates this should be around the same length as last year's episode so we're gonna split it.  We are also aware that you personally may not care about us trying to you know basically fanfic- fix this so…

S: Mm-hm.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word).  And various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few.  And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3.

O: As always, thank you so much for listening.  Happy (probably belated by the time this is posted) holidays to everyone.  2020 has been a hell of a rough year, so please stay safe and we will be back with more normal episodes soon.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

S: Sam grabs out a knife and begins carving the Cybertronian siblings into the ground um, I mean, where did you get the knife?

O: You mean symbols?  You said siblings.

S: [laughs] God- oh god, I can’t talk!

[a-tired-cryptid-talks-shit]

Sanders sides mimecraft/YouTuber au

Some basic info is missing but they all have roughly the same age/subscribers and stuff

Patton:

Collects EVERY animal and names them all . 'Teams up' with people a lot. Mainly makes funny and casual irl games and vlogs.  He can only really play mc well and never uses cheats  ("not the honest or hardworking thing to do!")  Always has a MASSIVE Base (mainly houses for his animals and farms so he can feed them all)  either dies every five minutes or never dies there's no in-between  (the more upset he is the more he dies normally)  has a new hair colour every month (definitely virgil's doing)  has a subscriber farm/ garden  and puts atleast 2 people in it each episode

Swears like sailor   when playing so he has really edited and almost never livestreams  when playing minecraft he does do lots of qna/ irl games on livestreams and sometimes convinces one of the others to join. Has a "not PG" playlist of collabs where he has a few swears and dirty jokes (normally from the others). Travels a lot and always has a bag of sweets (vegan and everything free so anyone can eat them)  incase he meets any fans when out.  Has and will spend hours collecting things for his friends if he hears them complain about how they can't find any insert item here or need a certain amount of it but can't get it.  He has a "drop off hut" at their spawn where everyone but him has a chest and he'll leave whatever they need  for them to pick up and occasionally he'll leave sweet notes in them too if he knows they're having a bad day.  Doesn't make serious videos often but will always speak out on other social media about current events (blm, lgbt shiz etc) and give his support and thoughts on it there are some issues he doesn't talk about for personal reasons tho.

Basic info... 22..... vvv gay.......  totally not crushing on remus..... trans dude.....  about 3/4 mil followers.

Logan:

Has a good sized Base and is focused on efficency and survival. Almost always streaming or filming. Has 2 pets à series (max.)  And the rest if the farm animals are definitely not pets (most have names and he refuses to kill them). Is practically a god by episode 5 so most of  the time he does stupid challenges and makes shops and trades/ helps  the others.  He only ever blogs for events (vidcon/comicon)  most of the time his camera is stolen by either remus, patton or Roman and they'll make sure to get all the funny and embarrassing moments on film.  Logan always réalisés two videos for each event eg :  video one: "Vidcon 2020 day 2"   video two: " Vidcon 2020 day 2 patton's  cut" (where all the shenanigans and  weird shit is posted).

He's always a sarcastic mum (so normal )  and loves to watch the playful banter and whenever any of the viewers see it he'll be spammed with edits and art for the next month or two. Of course he goes through everything he's tagged in and makes sure to like and comment. Because it's logan everyone still simps for  him and he posts photos a lot  and lots of group photos from when they all meet up and shiz  and most of the comments are people drooling over him.

Has a playlist of info videos where he talks about social justice stuff and is super supportive and informative about it and almost always gets someone he knows and is affected by it to talk to and make sure he's doing it the right way and he has all kinds of channels linked that talk about it all in more depth and always links petitions and places to learn and donate.

Basic info:  24... gay ..... abt 3/4 million subscribers... in a relationship with virgil  but only the group know about it.

Roman:

Roman asks his subscribers every series for a theme (pirates, Princes,  mediaval, fairies etc) each series which he has to stick to

Always over the top and dramatic

Livestrwams once a week (mainly mining) and he has a few hours where he'll do song requests and they call it radio time and occasionally he'll get his bf or whoever's home to do lives with him and they'll do qnas and shiz abd sometimes do mini versions of tags abd shiz

Merch galore he has merch for every series (they're vvv long) tries to get fans to design them and uses underground artists

So many collabs

Lots of people think he has tattoos he sometimes tries to cover when really it's doodles that were done in sharpie and still haven't come off.

Shipped with EVERYONE and often has to make posts saying "I love y'alls creativity but all my friends are in relationships and please do not ship us because it makes it very uncomfortable and awkward."

Makes  so many vlogs and is always doing something new and interesting.

Has the most extra and intricate bases and all kinds of weird pets and he changes his skin for each series.

Remus:

No one remembers adding him to the servers or anything but he's just there.

Normally shares a base with patton or is super close to it and basically has a house with a lava moat and a basement abd that's it. So many swears and dirty jokes.  Lots of random short vlogs that he has in a playlist that's called 'why I love these dumbasses'. Constantly flirts with patton and when they start dating publicly they do all kinds of tags and have a mc world together where everyone thinks they'll be sweet and wholesome but most of it is them killing eachother for the fun of it which everyone is mad for.

Remus always challenges patton to find a super rare pet (jokes on you remus patton has every pet in the game by episode 5)  for filler videos where they don't know what to do. Remus does lots of trolling and making traps/ death houses videos and mainly plays on servers or plays other games (mainly horror). Always ends up pissing someone on the server off and starting a war (they all know it's all in good fun) and spends wayyyyy too long working on different pranks for different people (He once made logan's house neon pink by hand)

Janus is pretty normal and will play with mods so he can get reptiles as pets. Is barely ever on servers and will barely play on them if he's part of one. He does lots of one off challenges / games with the others. Doesn't post anything but gaming vids and only ever does voice-over and no cam for a long time and is shipped  with everyone  he had every social media but only posts about upcoming videos and events. Lowest subs of the group as he doesn't do it for the income (unlike most of the others)  and just does it because the others convinced him. He keeps his home life secret until he accidentally turned up in the background of one of Remy's videos and everyone went mad with theories and he came out and explained it all so after tgat he occasionally posts vlogs for big events but that's it. He lives with emile and remy in a 2 bed apartment (they were previously roomates) and has his own room which is really an office with a spare bed in it.

Virgil :

Mainly does series on his own or speed running /parkour.  He's weirdly good at building so he has a series where he builds houses for his friends. He does a mixture of  art and gaming videos when he does collab with the others it's always one off games against eachother (bedwars parkour etc)  he almost always wins (his only real competiton is logan) and stays silent most the time   and only really throws around insults.

Remy (+emile)

Lifestyle  and challenge blogs doesn't game but he has tried a few times on janus' channel (so has emile)  he has a playlist  of mental health videos made by emile (He's still a therapist but he wanted a way to help people further so he does these with remy)  and occasionally does makeup / fashion videos and is a super super popular channel so his bfs  (janus and emile) don't really need to work but they like to contribute.

[bensonstablers]

okay - loving all the superstore reblogs! have to ask - fave episode and characters??

Hi, okay, so, I’m going to be honest and say that although I do actually really like the show, most of the episodes were kind of forgettable for me? (I care more about the characters and their dynamics. A lot of the episodes just kind of mush together in my head, haha)

Anyway, my point is that below the cut I’ve included my top 10 (they’re only listed in released order though) which I elaborate on slightly and underneath that, I’ve listed all the other episodes that made a mark on me seen as there aren’t too many compared to the amount of overall episode count :)

Firstly, here’s my fave characters though :’)

Amy and Jonah share the top spot which I’m extremely pleased about because America Ferrera and Ben Feldman were the two main reasons I wanted to check out this show in the first place. (I was just dumb and kept putting off actually watching it until Netflix UK recently put s1-5 on :’))

Outside of them I also really love: Cheyenne, Dina, Garrett, and Kelly (with Cheyenne probably making my top 3 with Amy and Jonah!)

Not faves but I want to say I really appreciated Ana Ortiz and Tony Plana showing up in Superstore considering they were main cast members in Ugly Betty alongside America. It made my heart very happy to see them again (especially when Tony Plana played her dad in both show lol)

My 10 favourite episodes so far:

1x09 All-Nighter

Seeing them locked in the store together and having fun is always so much fun to watch but this has the added bonus of drunk Amy. (It was also the first episode I felt I really enjoyed).

2x17 Integrity Award

Jonah meeting Amy’s parents and hanging out in her old bedroom. That’s it, that’s the main reason I love this episode, haha.

2x22 Tornado

The build up to the tornado!!! Amy/Jonah hiding out together!!!! The kiss!!!!! The pain when Adam and Emma show up at the end to find Amy and Jonah looks so sad!!!! (And also, Sandra refusing to help Carol is downright hilarious).

3x13 Video Game Release

Amy and Jonah sneaking through the walls in Cloud9 is too fun and I could watch them laugh and be together constantly, I love them. (Also Amy realising she likes Jonah!!!)

4x02 Baby Shower

Cute Cloud9 family moments!!! Amy/Jonah being absolutely adorable and Garrett asking how long they’ve been dating. Also, Dina’s photoshoot being weirdly hilarious and iconic.

4x05 Delivery Day

Amy and Dina going into labour at the same time? What did I do to deserve such gold???? Also, Jonah being there for the delivery and even offering to pay Amy’s medical bills so she could have the nice hospital? Um excuse you, I did not asked to be attacked like this.

4x12 Blizzard

Again, family locked in Cloud9 together, I’m a sucker for it!! I love seeing them together and having fun and being a family, ugh, yes, but also Amy and Jonah having to share that mattress and being such a married couple (lord I would like to thank you for this gift)

4x17 Quinceañera

As may be apparent, I just love when the Cloud9 family enjoy themselves especially when that’s outside of work. Jonah is a total disaster in this, haha, but I really love his scenes with Emma and I wish we got more.

5x10 Negotiations

Amy/Dina/Cheyenne is a trio I never expected to love and this episode is so good for them!!! (It was also fun to see Jonah and Sandra try to stand up to corporate who can honestly suck it)

5x20 Customer Safari

I really loved the game they played (trying to get photos of customers doing specific things), it was a lot funnier than I expected, but also I really love the dinner scene with Jonah’s parents and brother! It’s such a disaster but so good and surprisingly funny, haha.

The following are those other episodes that were memorable to me! (Again, they’re just in release order).

2x19 Glenn's Kids

2x21 Cheyenne's Wedding

3x15 Amnesty

3x19 Lottery

3x20 Gender Reveal

3x21 Aftermath

3x22 Town Hall

4x01 Back to School

4x07 New Initiative

4x13 Lovebirds

4x15 Salary

4x16 Easter

4x22 Employee Appreciation Day

5x14 Sandra's Wedding

5x16 Employee App

5x21 California Part 1

6x01 Essential

6x02 California Part 2

[bearhatarmy]

I really really miss photography. 

Photography feels like an old friend I’ve lost touch with. It pains me greatly that I just don’t have the energy or stamina to do it anymore. It really filled a creative void after I was unable to create my original comedy posts any longer. My illness keeps taking and taking from me and it is a challenge to find ways to adapt and cope.

The saddest part is that I felt like I was just starting to master photography as an art form. I was at that point where I could instinctively do all of the technical things and concentrate purely on the art. Lighting was becoming intuitive to me instead of a complicated puzzle I had to solve each time.

Yes, I took a lot of photos that I am really proud of. (Which I am spreading throughout this post).

But sometimes I mourn the photos I could have taken if my chronic illness hadn’t worsened.

It’s also hard seeing the new cameras and lights that have been released since I had to stop. I *just* missed a technological revolution. New features that would have allowed me to do more with less energy. To push the boundaries of my creativity. To get shots I could only dream of back then.

Full frame mirrorless cameras have opened up so many creative possibilities. The low light performance, the detail, the dynamic range--it has all been improved greatly in just a few years. But there are also many automated usability features that allow the camera to offload work and concentration from the brain. These new digital wonders can even be used as cinematic quality video cameras--something I would have liked to have explored.

I had to take these match photos in a pitch-black room, with a reversed lens, with no control over my aperture, and a manual flash. It took forever to time it properly because I had a whopping 3 frames per second. It would have been a cinch with a mirrorless camera, with super fast burst modes and an electronic viewfinder. You can see exactly what your image will look like before snapping it. But you can also “see in the dark” using a high ISO preview. Before you had to use a live view mode on the back screen. But on older cameras that mode was clunky and slow and... it just sucked.

Enlarge!

MOAR BIGGER!

Weirdly, one of the biggest advances is due to a shortened “flange distance” where the lens connects to the camera body. It seems like a small thing. Literally only a centimeter or so. But because of the lack of mirror, camera designers are able to move the lens closer to the sensor and design more advanced lenses with incredible sharpness. Combined with increased megapixel counts, that would have been amazing for my macro photos.

Electronic viewfinders take the guesswork out of exposure--even in bright sunlight where screens get washed out from glare. And being able to compose portraits with highly accurate eye-tracking autofocus would have been a tremendous advantage. 

No more “focus and recompose.” 

No more “Did I get the eye? Let me zoom to 100% on this tiny screen.” 

I could have spent more of my concentration getting natural expressions from my subjects and composing my photos without distraction.

And IBIS! 

I missed out on motherhecking IBIS!

This photo of my wonderful friend Erin was taken handheld at sunset. The original RAW version was extremely dark--even though I was using a high ISO. I had to do a ton of work to get this to not look like noisy garbage. But there just wasn’t any other way to capture it... UNTIL NOW.

IBIS (eye-bus/👀-🚌) or “in-body image stabilization,” allows the camera sensor to kind of... float. You can eliminate camera shake caused by the subtle micro-movements when handholding. 

How do I explain it? Ummmm...

It turns the sensor into a chicken head.

So instead of increasing the ISO (which is like a volume knob for light which gets grainier as you crank it), you can lower your shutter speed. In the past, depending on the lens, 1/60th of a second was about as slow as you could set it. With IBIS, as long as the scene you are capturing is relatively still, you can take photos in very low light without a tripod. This is great because tripods are a pain in the ass and you can’t always have one handy. Plus, you can combine an IBIS camera with a stabilized lens to get a de-blurrification multiplier. Then you can get sharp handheld photos that are technically considered long exposure. I’ve heard people say they got sharp photos exposing at several seconds. Literally going from a fraction of a second to 2 goddamn Missisisppi. I can’t even quantify how many fantastic photos are being taken right now that would have been unusable blurry messes a few years ago. We get to enjoy these photos all because they installed a chicken head inside cameras.

AND DARN IT ALL TO HECK I HECKING MISSED IT, GOSH HECKING DANG IT!. 

Sorry... didn’t mean to curse like a sailor that stubbed his toe while stepping on a Lego. 

I think I’ll have a cool refreshing root beer to calm my IBIS envy.

(Those water droplets are a total fraud, by the way. It’s fake blood without the red added.) 

And with the progress in battery and wireless technology, artificial lighting has become lighter and more portable while still being powerful enough to compete with the sun. I could have used strobe lights in my little studio, packed them up into a small case, and gone to the middle of the field to use them there.

Yes, I was able to convert my old studio lights to be “portable-ish” but we had to lug so much equipment to accomplish this photo of Brittany in the red dress. The battery pack alone weighed as much as one modern light. I was stuck in bed for a week afterward from all of the carrying of heavy gear.

Before that, this was my hacked together “outdoor” light. The Flash-O-Tron 3000. It looks cool but it was delicate and hard to get through doorways.

After charging 12 AA batteries overnight, I had to drag this contraption outside at the buttcrack of dawn to get my favorite photo of Otis. 

I had to use a handheld mirror to reflect my popup flash in the direction of the Flash-O-Tron 3000 to trigger it. It worked about 25% of the time. Oh, and I was laying on cold wet grass, manually tracking Otis--who refused to sit still. I had to line up a single autofocus point on his head for every snap. The concentration required felt like my brain was juggling chainsaws.

But guess what they invented last year?

PET. EYE. AUTOFOCUS. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

A little robot inside the camera is all, “Hey, that’s your dog’s eye!” and just follows it no matter where your pup moves.

I NEEDED THAT SO BAD!

This shot took 10 minutes of me trying to lock onto his eye with a macro lens. The depth of field at that distance was the width of his eye and, again, he does not sit still. 

I want a time machine so I can go back and retake every blurry Otis photo. 

Also, many of the modern strobes have NO WIRES. You just stick a thing on top of your camera and you can set off lights several football fields away. My photo studio has tons of wires routed in the ceiling and coming out of the walls. 

[Hi-Res Version]

And then those wires all go into a weird analog remote with old school sliders that controlled the power of the flashes. But the sliders were difficult to finely adjust.

Now you can load an app on your phone and adjust the flash power digitally and adjust the brightness in 10% increments. You can save lighting ratios and recall them instantly. And you can preview your work with high powered LED modeling lights so you don’t have to take 50 test shots. 

No more nudging a light and taking a picture. Raising the power and taking a picture. Swapping out a modifier and taking a picture. Back and forth, back and forth. 

Essentially, what you see is what you get, so setting up lighting takes a fraction of the time and effort with these new lights and cameras. That would have been so helpful with my disability.

Oh... the lights are less expensive too.

The future of camera tech looks exciting as well. I think the computational photography that is in the latest smartphones will soon be added to more professional cameras. That is going to make high-end photography so much more accessible to anyone who wants to try it as a hobby. The learning curve will flatten further, and as long as you are creative, you will be able to take beautiful, high-quality photos.

Some might say that not having all of the new tech helped me gain important experience, expertise, and problem-solving skills. Some believe the inconveniences are a photographer’s trial by fire. The struggle makes the art more authentic. And since I learned how to do it the hard way, my journey is more valid than some photography influencer on Instagram with an iPhone.

To that I say... BULLLLLSHEEIIIT.

Those inconveniences just made me SUPER DUPER TIRED.

And some of those influencers take really kickass photos. Not all of them are butts either.

I love photography but there is a reason I had to stop. Like anything, doing it well was a lot of work. I always ended up having to quit taking photos much sooner than I wanted. I had to scale back my ambition to fit my energy requirements. I could only do photography on days when my body was cooperating fully. I had to cancel many photoshoots because the preparation was just too much to handle. And after my bigger projects it took me forever to recover.

GIVE ME ALL THE CONVENIENCES PLEASE.

That “you have to struggle” attitude is no-good-gatekeepy-ableist crap. 

Old photographer grumps are upset because they spent years learning how to focus manually on horseback and use the sunny 16 rule and develop film in a converted shed they built by hand and now “those darn kids” can use an iPhone on a skateboard while doing a kickflip with their eyes closed and still pull focus.

However, despite there being a lower barrier for entry, the technological improvements add new complications to the advanced side of things. So you can make photography as difficult as you desire if you are willing to learn new stuff. Which old school photo grumps are notoriously averse to.

This new tech has all kinds of novel things to discover and figure out. There is drone photography. There is advanced macro photography using robotic focusing rails and ever-improving focus stacking software. You can now network more lights together than ever before. Karl Taylor did a photoshoot with 12 lights! (Captain Picard would totally lose his shit.) Long lasting batteries and computerized sliders have created new timelapse possibilities. Stabilization software allows complex hyperlapse videos. Better low light performance and sharper lenses with big apertures combined with stacking or star trail software has improved astrophotography. Advances in material science have allowed darker and darker high quality neutral density filters for extreme long exposure photos. New focus tracking algorithms have allowed for wildlife photography that was never possible before. You can capture fast-moving birds in the sky from farther away and still get amazing detail. Faster burst modes allow people to capture split-second action. Never miss a good header at your kid's soccer games. (Is that a thing? I have no kids and don’t remember how to soccer.) IBIS allows photography without a tripod. So now people can trek to harder to reach areas, AT NIGHT, and take sharp photos with little noise. Increased dynamic range and new HDR displays will allow photographers to take images of lights and capture their actual intensity. What if the lights in photos could glow like they do in real life? Think about a neon sign at night in the rain reflecting in a puddle. That would look so neat. 

Not to mention learning how to process photos in editing software is an entirely separate and challenging skillset you can master. There are thousands of techniques you can learn to elevate your images. Dodging & burning, frequency seperation, and compositing, oh my! Programs like Lightroom and Photoshop are constantly updated with new features that expand possibilities.  

None of that is easy. It will all require diligent study and practice to master. Technical skills will always be an aspect of photography that anyone can pursue. But not everyone will need as much technical skill to start having fun and create art. 

And much to the chagrin of those grumps... phones are perfectly viable to create that art and they will keep getting better.

You might find it odd that this love letter and goodbye to photography has so much talk of technical gadgetry. But, for me, it isn’t out of place in this sentimental essay. Technology was my first love. My parents bought me a 66mhz Packard Bell computer when I was 12 and technology was the first thing I was ever good at. I learned every function of that machine. I would sometimes break it just so I could learn how to fix it. I took it apart and put it back together. It was my first true obsessive hobby. I found my creativity soon after, and I immediately used that technology to help me create art. I wrote comedy. I learned how to digitally paint. I recorded music. And eventually I found photography. It was the perfect marriage of technology and art. I could nerd out as much as I want while still getting my creative fix. 

So yeah... I miss it all. 

I miss all of the technical nerdery. I miss trying out new gadgets. I miss editing the photos I’ve taken. I miss taking pictures of my beautiful friends. I miss taking pictures of weird products. I miss asking Delling to call apiaries to find me freshly dead bees so I can take macro shots of their fuzzy little torsos.

I really hope some day I find a treatment that gives me enough energy to take photos again.  

Thankfully my writing helps me feel creative and productive and fulfilled. And it’s something I can do even if I’m not able to get out of bed. And I am grateful I have so many awesome people that actually want to read what I have to say.

So thanks to everyone for that. 

I always find a way to move forward. That’s just the nature of surviving chronic illness. But glancing back at what I lost is a pain I never quite get used to. 

Though, writing this has helped. 

Looking back at all that I accomplished has helped. 

And I do feel lucky I was able to accomplish what I did--even if missing it makes me sad sometimes.  

[benisasoftboi]

Gushing time.

Rune Factory 4 Special arrived a day early, so my entire day has been consumed in nostalgia. The original Rune Factory 4 was the first video game I ever bought on release day - I remember saving up all my money and making my mum drive me to like three different shops trying to find one that had it. I was already a fan of the franchise - before then, Rune Factory 3 had been my favourite video game, across the board. Aside from a playthrough of the first game last year, I haven’t played a Rune Factory game in a long time, certainly not RF4. But just starting up the game and hearing the music again, it was like it was suddenly seven years ago. Running around Selphia and seeing all the characters again - I love JRPGs, have played a lot of them, and I can think of very few that have characters that have stuck with me this long. And the aesthetics - the best thing about the Rune Factory franchise has always been the aesthetics, the music, the scenic and character design, just the general world. It’s a beautifully whimsical balance of urban and fantasy, and it’s the only JRPG world I think I’ve ever come across that I would genuinely want to live in. Rune Factory may no longer be my favourite game franchise - but I don’t think there has ever been another series that has felt so much like home to me.

Here’s a very long selection of personal highlights from the art book (by which I mean photos of the art followed by my rambling opinions):

Yeah, see, here’s the thing - Rune Factory 1 is not a good game. I could write an entire essay on why it’s bad (I actually started and got pretty damn far before realising no one’s interested in my two thousand word review of a game that came out over a decade ago - the short version is ‘Misty Bloom-fucking-Cave’. Anyone who’s played RF1 knows exactly what I mean). Don’t get me wrong, it has good qualities - excellent boss fights, for one, and also, as with the rest of the franchise, it is aesthetically wonderful. But ultimately, it feels less like playing a video game, and more like playing a proof of concept for a game. Which I guess it kind of was - and I can’t hate it because we wouldn’t have the rest of the series without it.

But it literally ends with a dragon spewing plant breath on a tank to make a turnip grow out of the gun. ‘Profound’, my arse. 

It’s Raguna! The “master sowrdsman!” (that is not a typo on my part that is a direct quote from the ending of Rune Factory 1 this game’s script had so many issues-). And Mist! My favourite of the ‘canon’ love interests!

Best girl! When I was a kid, my favourite love interest in RF1 was Rosetta. As an adult, it is Tabatha. I don’t know what it is about her that I find so likeable (she’s as lacking in personality as any other RF1 character), but... idk, I just like her a lot.

Camus’s big ambition is to leave town like even once. He will never achieve it

Fun fact about Melody is that she’s extremely depressed, a fact that comes up once in an optional side quest and is never addressed again. It’s incredibly dark for an RF game

Fun fact about Lukas is that he sucks (he’s one of those ‘obsessed with talking about how hot all the girls are’ characters, an archetype that thankfully doesn’t show up again in these games). But also, interestingly enough, thanks to one of RF1′s many, many script errors, if you marry Rosetta (the girl Lukas is the most obsessed with), he’s supposed to express disappointment that he lost her to Raguna - but instead, he implies that he’s disappointed to have lost Raguna to her. The translators typoed their way into giving him a sexuality change. Which is honestly kind of amazing.

LOOK AT THIS SLIME THIS IS SUCH A COOL SLIME LITERALLY EVERY OTHER JPRG SLIME GO HOME DRAGON QUEST GET FUCKED (jk I like Dragon Quest a lot and its slimes are cool too). Wish you could see in-game that this is what they’re meant to be like.

I just generally love the monster designs, they’re really charming

Rune Factory 2! The RF game with the most weirdly mundane protagonist name (Kyle. In the main four games of this franchise we’ve got Raguna, Micah, Lest, Frey... and Kyle). The two generations thing was actually very cool, but when they say ‘each chapter captures a different lifestyle’, what they really mean is ‘the first half is a weak Harvest Moon I’m sorry, STORY OF SEASONS game, and the second half is a pretty good Rune Factory game’  

lookit this little fuck

Yue Yue Yue! I love Yue so much, she’s great. She’s kind of like a much chiller version of Anna from Fire Emblem.

It’s really cool that we got to see grown up Cecilia (she was in RF1). I have this silly headcanon that if Kyle doesn’t marry Mana, Nicholas (her friend in 1) comes to visit Cecilia one day in the hazy-post game future, and meets Mana, and they get together. While Yue is my favourite, I do genuinely like Mana a lot, and I just want her to find love, I guess.  

Here’s original Barrett! There’s a reason he was popular enough to make a reappearance (well, aside from the whole grumpy pretty boy thing he’s got going on) - he was a great character in this game. His and Dorothy’s relationship is also definitely the most compelling of the rival romances. Bonus Max, who also has a little shout-out in RF4 (check the diary in what will become Dylas’s bedroom at the start of the game)

Ray is male, but apparently he was originally going to be a female character, as he has an unused portrait in a wedding dress. My friend and I agree that this makes him a Trans Icon

Monster designs remain excellent. Especially the goblins

Skipping over Frontier (and also Oceans later), as I never got to play it growing up due to not having a console, and still haven’t got around to it - might try this summer. Except I do need to point out that these guys should be memes. I don’t know in what way. But they should.  

Rune Factory 3! My first RF game. The transformation thing was very cool, even if it was basically useless outside the main story. My friend and I spent hours mucking about in the WiFi dungeon. I loved the desert settlement and all of the dungeon designs in general, and man, RF3 is just great. I hope it gets a remake one day.

Raven Raven Raven! I LOVE Raven (as do most). Her story with Micah is the first time I can remember getting genuinely invested in a video game romance. I’m so glad she cameos in RF4. I love her. She’s wonderful.

I have an odd fondness for Marian. When I was about twelve, I decided to do a playthrough where I deliberately romanced the least popular bachelorette. After poking around on forums, I determined that character to be Marian, and did a run with her. And... I actually came to really like her. I find her endearing. I get that people find her annoying and don’t like her... unethical medical practices, but doing that run has still made me a pretty protective of her. It’s been a long time since I played RF3, so maybe I’d change my mind if I replayed now, but currently, as far as I’m concerned,  Marian’s a good’un.

I think I also used to low key ship her with Collette lol 

Pia’s official art has always been super weird to me because it’s so not what her character is like in-game. She’s a ditzy airhead. This makes her look so serious

RAINBOW! Another character whose art makes them look way more serious than they actually are. Daria is great and would be a meme if this game was more popular. I think she’s also implied to be a relative of Margaret. 

I’ve always been super confused about what Kuruna’s skirt is meant to be. Is it fur? Is it part of her shirt? Is it even a skirt at all?

Check it out, it’s the guy everyone would ship Micah with if this game was more popular

I want Zaid to make a reappearance and interact with Doug. Pretty sure it’s canon that they’re from the same clan? Think it would be very interesting.

RF3 definitely had the coolest farm. Also, still love the desert settlement.

This is from Oceans, so I have no context, but it’s just so cool that I had to share

Rune Factory 4. Culmination of the series is right - when I was playing it for the first time, I remember being blown away by just how much it is a true love letter to the franchise. I have never come across another game series that so consistently grew and improved from entry to entry. RF4 was a perfect ending.

Not that I’m complaining about getting RF5. Quite the opposite.

But if it had been the end (as we all thought it was until about a year ago), well, like I say. Perfect. 

Well. Aside from soda can nipples. Can’t believe they didn’t fix those. Though in some ways, that would have made me sad too

Dolce has such a cool design, in both human and monster form. I’ve always kind of crack-shipped her with Margaret, for no real reason at all

Vishnal! I love Vishnal. Vishnal is pure as heck. Marrying him this time around.

Doug! My choice from last time around. Another character who looks more serious in his official art than he is in-game (well... most of the time)

And then there’s Dylas, who looks much happier here than he does most of the time. Kind of looks like he and Doug swapped bodies, actually. There’s a fanfic prompt for you.

Their ship name is Dyldo. I love them

Leon is nostalgic for me mostly because my friend and I used to get into a lot of arguments about whether or not he’s the hottest character in the game. She maintains that he is, because muscles. I maintain that muscles aren’t actually that attractive. It is a rift that divides us to this day

(He looks oddly... younger in this art though? Weird)

Sechs Empire is such an unfortunate name. Seriously. How rushed was RF1′s localisation team? All those script errors, and then this (the Sechs were the antagonists in the first game, and were only referenced in passing in the rest until RF4 - so it was a bit of a ‘sins of the father’ situation by then).

Seriously, try saying ‘Sechs Emperor’ out loud and tell me you can take this man seriously 

I??? Love??? Them???

I??? LOVE??? THEM???

Still confused as to why Kiel, Xiao Pai, Arthur and Margaret are on the cover now. Don’t get me wrong, I like them, but... Amber, Dylas, Dolce and Leon made way more sense? Even the Archival Cover makes more sense (Vishnal, Clorica, Forte), as those three are all kind of Lest/Frey’s servants (well, Forte for the whole town, but still). Of those first four, all but Arthur basically lift right out of the game with little-to-no impact on the story

NO HAT TABATHA NO HAT TABATHA

I’ve always really loved this Raven picture

And I am thankful for you <3

[littlemindblabbles]

What are we?

Pairing: Dino X Y/N

Summary: (fluff, slight angst) Typical friends-to-strangers-to-lovers AU, where Dino used to be your best friend till he leaves your hometown to be an idol.

To most of the world, Dino was known as an international idol. The maknae of one of the most popular boy bands in Korea, and although he was well over the age of twenty, it didn’t stop fans from constantly calling him the ‘baby’ of Seventeen. At such a young age, he was already being called a dance icon, and loved by many due to his cheerful personality.

To you however, he was known as Lee Chan, the five-year-old boy from Iksan who peed his pants on the first day of kindergarten. He was so nervous about meeting new children, he didn’t last 5 minutes before having a complete meltdown over the state of his pants. You thought that new kid was really weird, but you kinda felt bad for him because peeing in your pants in front of everyone was just embarrassing. So when he was all cleaned up, you decided to make the effort to go and say hi first to that poor boy.

“Hello! My name is Y/N! Don’t worry about that little accident you caused, many of the kids here do it from time to time. You wanna play with me?” Chan gave you a slight smile, seemingly grateful he had someone to talk to, before the both of you headed towards the sandpit to spend the rest of lunch together.

Fast forward years later, your positions were reversed. You were the one crying your eyes out as you said goodbye to your best friend.

“Do you have to go? Everyone knows you’re the best dancer here, just stay here and keep being the best. Don’t go to that stupid company!” You tugged on his sleeve, you last chance to try and hinder your best friend from moving to the city. With a sad smile, Chan gently removed your hand,

“Don’t be too sad when I’m gone okay? I know you’ll be alright. We’ll always keep in touch, I’m not going to lose my best friend.” With one last hug, he turned around and left.

That was 7 years ago. Chan successfully debuted in Seventeen, and they’ve been gaining huge popularity over the last 5 years.

Your friendship? That wasn’t as pleasant. When he first left, everything seemed like it would work out at first. You two were constantly messaging each other and video calling through the night. Sometimes you felt like he never left. Then his training got harder and more schedules had to be attended, you also started focusing on your studies and work. The calls were still there, but they were less frequent and lacked enthusiasm. It was like as though you two had moved on from the friendship but were only still talking to each other just for the sake of talking. Then after awhile, his touring schedule just got too hectic for you, and the calls just stopped.

Not that you minded, or so you told yourself, he was still a friend you messaged whenever he was in your hometown. You’ve met up occasionally in the last few years, each meetup more awkward than the last. Meanwhile your photography business was slowly taking off, allowing you to finally expand into Seoul. Your first assignment was to tag along a boy group (sigh.) and take some natural shots of the members to make them feel more relatable to their fans. (double sigh.) You rolled your eyes, since that whole ‘being an idol’ stole your best friend, you haven’t been quite a big fan of k-pop in general. But this could be you big break, as the group could get you the exposure you badly needed. Without looking at the details out of fear you may back out, you agreed and started packing for Seoul.

“Okay I’ll just take you out to meet the boys right now and then you can start to introduce yourself. I need them to be comfortable with you so much so that they won’t act weirdly whenever you bring out the camera.” Nodding, you followed the manager into the next room.

“Hello, we are Seventeen! Nice to meet you!” You couldn’t believe your luck, you had to be with Chan’s, or Dino as he went by now, group for hours everyday taking pictures of them? Trying to mask your annoyance, you gave a small smile.

“Hi everyone, I’m Y/N. Hope to be able to work well together.” While you and Chan were still good friends, he had introduced you to all the members, so you had a pretty good gauge on who’s who. As they all left to go eat lunch, the person you’ve been avoiding eye contact with the entire time stayed behind, much to your dismay.

“Y/N? I’m so happy to see you. I know we sort of stopped talking awhile back but, I’m hoping we could hang out more now? You’ve never stopped being my best friend even after all these years.” Hearing him say that was heart wrenching, because you did spend a few nights crying over how he replaced you with 12 new best friends. But there was no way he was seeing your vulnerability after 7 years.

“Oh really, because to me it seems like you made 12 new ones, Dino.” Leaving him with that curt reply, you knew calling him by his stage name was extra hurtful, but you had to show him how much his departure hurt you.

—-

Over the next few days, Chan tried desperately hard to talk to you, which you tolerated politely but always tried to find a way to end the conversation. You knew he was sorry, because an apology was always the first part of his sentence, and after awhile you kind of forgave him. You did miss hanging out with him a lot.

So you started to accept his invitations to go see a movie, or watch him practice his dances, and even went out with him to eat on a few occasions. However the meetups were starting to feel less like a ‘friend hangout’ and more like ‘dates’, and since y’all were 13 when he left, this was new, uncharted territory.

Your talks seemed more intimate, and your heart ached whenever he talked about his pains and struggles to become the idol he was today. He never tried to tell you this when you talked, because he knew you would try to make it an excuse for him to come home.

“I missed you badly enough that if you’d actually suggested it, I would have gone home immediately.” That made your heart sort of skip a beat, and your confused feelings were even more confused when he lightly brushed your hand. However, Chan seemed to pay no attention to what his simple action was doing to you, and continued talking in his lighthearted manner.

Since that day, you weren’t sure if it was accidental or not, but Chan kept finding new ways to gently brush your arms, giving you more and more butterflies each time. He seemed to be ignorant of his behaviour though, but it was clear he valued your closeness, as he continued to share secrets with you that you were sure he never told his members. And that made you so happy, that even though he may have found a new family with the guys, you still always came first. However you knew your growing feelings for him were dangerous, you needed to clarify your relationship with him before your heart gets broken if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Chan, could I speak to you for a moment?” You hesitantly asked as the boys were viewing the photos you’ve taken the past week.

“Yeah sure! Y/N these photos are amazing, I’ve always known your talent would be noticed one day. I’m so crazy proud of you.”

“Thanks Chan. Listen, I know this may seem quite sudden and random, but I really need to know this: What are we?” Chan’s face slowly lost its smile when he knew you wanted to have a serious conversation.

“What do you mean? Of course we’re best friends.” You could feel your heart shatter into pieces. “Unless...you want to be more than that?”

You couldn’t believe your ears, Chan felt the same way too? Maybe he wasn’t that oblivious after all? Chan saw your widening eyes and sheepishly grinned,

“I thought you would have caught on a lot faster. And your reactions were so small I didn’t know if you actually felt the same way or not. But I was too much of a coward to say it to you directly, I didn’t want to risk destroying our friendship after I just got you back. I guess even after all these years you’re always the one who dared to approach first.” Chan paused, taking a deep breath. “What I’m saying Y/N, is will you go out with me and make me the happiest person alive?”

You didn’t need to answer, your best friend knew you inside out. So when you approached him, he wrapped his arms around you, causing you both to let out a sigh you didn’t know you were even holding. You looked up from his chest, staring into the pair of eyes you knew so well. No words were exchanged as you both closed the gap, your first kiss just as sweet and perfect as the boy you were kissing.

---

Note: this is my first ever Chan fic and I just wanted it to be super cute and fluffy like the maknae. It’s also one of my longer fics, about 1.5k words! Do let me know if you liked it and check my masterlist for more fics!

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

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ok i just saw this existed, i live on tumblr mobile where i ignore the activity tab and scroll endlessly, bear w me

Animated character that was your gay awakening? uhhhhhhh,,,....,,,.. if i remembered anything abt my childhood i would tell u, im gonna say rukia from bleach because i want gorgeous short people to step on me

Grilled cheese or PB&J? peanut butter Always... tho if it was a fancy grilled cheese (there is a special preparation).... i would be torn

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? it really depends! i bounce around, i watch a lot of baumgartner restorations, i watch a LOT of nyx fears video essays on horror movies i would never watch, i watch longplays of, like, nier automata bc im still delighted by cryaotic?

Your go-to bar order, if you drink? i dont really get to order a lot of drinks at bars, itll depend, if im with friends ill order as many things off the cocktail menu as my money allows, if im with my parents ill order long island iced teas or whiskey and lemonade

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? i literally own like 3 pairs of shoes, one of which being the only pair i can actually safely wear haha.... but my favorite pair is the black red and gold converse that dont fit anymore but still remind me of high school

Top three cuisines? mexican, italian, whomever the fuck invented kasoundi

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? yeah as said above i have no clue about anything about my childhood so idk i think mum said once that my first proper word was just ‘no’ which sounds abt right

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? idk if my last job counts? i mean i used to do all round garden labor stuff until my pain got worse and i literally couldnt anymore so i got relegated to desk work

Look up. What’s directly across from you? oh a container of pesto i didnt like the flavour of and just... forgot to throw out.... i will do that tomorrow

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a rwby poster signed by ray and jack? its p cool

Preferred way to spend a rainy day? preferred right now? wrapped in a metric fuckton of blankets w my partner

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? i..... dont like bagels

Brunch or midnight snacks? i live a weirdly scheduled life, midnight snacks and brunch are interchangeable to me now, so both

Favorite mug you own i..... dont really have one? all of my actual mugs that are mine have my deadname on them haha

What coffee drink would you describe yourself as? overbrewed black coffee that someone left to go cold before dumping six packs of sugar in

Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!) ‘ And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me ‘ bc we all love a bit of mitski when we are feeling the self isolation creeping in

Fruity or herbal teas? fruity teas only! or rather i drink fruit tisanes! but if you mean actual tea then herbal, i only drink peppermint tea

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? fruits basket! everyone watch the reboot

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying? all the books i read for class sucked but medea wasnt so bad

Do you match your socks? only when theyre very fun patterned socks, and even then sometimes i will match them to the wrong pair but the same pattern, aka my double watermelon combo (i have a pair of green socks w watermelons and a pair of black socks w watermelons so)

Have you ever been horseback riding? no and i never will because i am fucking terrified of horses

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) uh.... uh i mean im not sure if it counts as a phase but i was stupid into vampires (to the point of me and my friends constructing the intricate theory that our teacher was a vampire and we had to kill her by the time we graduated (she was not and we did not and i hate all of those people now) i was just the weird conspiracy kid i guess, we used to spend every lunch staring across the oval at a house we were SURE an alien lived in (it was just a plastic bag being rustled by a fan)

Have you ever been to jail? bkdnbrb god no

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? im a lazy susan

Puzzles? i cant solve a rubiks cube but give me a 2000 piece jigsaw and ill sit there for 6 hours trying to solve it

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? oh this is tough..... orange juice, the fancy kind but with no bits in it, i used to like the bits but these days i just want a clean juice experience

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore? ,,,,,,the ya fiction section, i never buy anything from there but i like to see if series i read as a teenager ever got new instalments after i stopped liking them

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? how to sleep like a normal person

Who’s your go-to musical artist when you’re feeling upbeat? uh, it depends! lizzo or my playlist of musicals! (which is literally just starkid/tcb stuff)

Where could someone find you in a museum? i could literally be anywhere, probably in front of some old piece though, just staring for an hour bc im struck by the majesty of it (and my legs probably locked up so i couldnt move anyway)

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? so i have a nice white button up and some really nice jeans i just got, and my suspenders, and my cool blue heels that i know i cant wear bc my legs cant handle walking in heels anymore, but it would look cool am i right

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? i look up at my roof which is almost entirely covered in glow in the dark stars and then stare into the camera (i wish every day that my roof was like the roof of the healthy harold van, i still have fucking dreams of that beautiful ceiling)

If you could own any non-traditional pet (dogs, cats, fish, rodents, etc), what would it be? non traditional? id want a lizard that could curl round my shoulders like a leathery scarf

Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? i dont have any photos on my wall so art by default

You have to get one meme tattooed on your body, what meme is it and where does it go? i just want the pensive emoji tattooed in the small of my back so if i wear a crop top everyone has to suffer with me

Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with fuck superheroes they suck, can i hang out with jason todd red hood style

Lakes, rivers, or oceans? oceans, i want to go to the beach so fucking bad

Favorite mid-2000s song i dont really have a Big Favorite but like..... i constantly thank god for esteban

How do you dress when you’re home alone? ive been in the same sweatpants and old paint shirt i got from my painting and decorating course for three days

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? armchair closest to the kitchen, perfect to make a quick escape if dad comes in

Knives or swords? knives, i dont have the upper body strength for swords

A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving? oh uh run away with me by crj, *bwoooooooo buhnuhnuuuuuu buhnuhnuuuuuhhh buhnuhnuuuuhhhhh*

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY CERTAIN PARTS FROM EACH OF THEM BC COLLECTIVELY THEY SUCK BUT PARTS OF THEM ARE PERFECT

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? no caption i dont want people to really acknowledge that i post things

Name a classic Vine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anQds9PQ7CA

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? hash browns hash browns hash browns ONLY

How do you top your ice cream? god its been so long since ive been able to eat ice cream.... with the reeses peanut butter ice cream shell topping

Do you like Jello? jelly is the pinnacle of our society and i wish i were eating it right now

What’s something that you don’t have a picture of that you wish you did? i wish i had a picture of myself and my partner so i could set it as my phone lock screen (that or i wish i had a picture of me and a friend i really dearly miss bc i have pics of her in my phone but not of us together and i want some but i cant bring myself to say so)

How are you at climbing trees? theres a tree in my front yard i used to be able to hang off but nowadays i think id hurt myself just trying to lift my nasty meat sack off the ground trying