it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
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I'm obsessed with the idea of a mischief maker Astarion. Like, that man has spent so long without autonomy that he uses all of it just to be a chronic little shit.
Imagine this: Astarion, bored, simply needs to cause mischief. His hands are twitchy and he simply cannot keep them to himself.
So he randomly gets up, walks over to where (probably Wyll) is like preparing vegtables for the night while Karlach stands beside him giving him terrible cooking advice. And Astarion just. Nonchalantly walks over, picks up a carrot, and walks away with it. Bites into it, too. Makes sure they see him do it. They know he doesn't need to eat it. He knows they know he doesn't need to eat it. He's a fucking vampire. But he does, and they can't do shit about it.
Or like. He just walks up to Gale, plucks the book from his hands, and starts reading. Stretches out, gets comfy, makes sure to make use of all of Gale's one pillow (because you know Gale is the type of man to have only one pillow) And just. Doesn't say anything.
And what's Gale gonna do about it?? Get mad? Astarion doesn't care. It's funny.
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[ cw: trauma / mind control / separation anxiety / autophobia / ]
Something that kills me is that there’s no way in hell that Raph’s debilitating separation anxiety isn’t infinitely worse after the movie. The trauma of being Krangified like that, all alone, would probably regress him so hard.
Not to mention his worries of getting “weird” would likely get mixed up with his experience while Krangified - aka, he loses full awareness, and when he’s brought “back” it’s to the understanding that he attacked his own family (of course not to his own fault at all, but how much of that does he believe?)
The fear of being alone would take on another layer and become a fear of himself.
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All the jokes about Ken and horses are good but I just wanna say it's such a good parallel to how actual young men get swept into misogyny and the patriarchy.
Like they're told to believe it means men get to be cool and manly and have this power but with that comes extremely rigid commands of what they can be as a man and a cycle of self hatred for never matching those gender roles perfectly. Patriarchy tells men that if they just do exactly what is expected of them, then they get all the "cool stuff" that comes with. That doesn't work though when there's only a small group that actually gets that power, but men will keep trying to fit into those roles in hopes that they can.
In the end there are no horses or the myth men are told, it's just endless cycles of self hatred and ingroup fighting.
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pyramid game is such a perfect little drama for the sapphics because you've got a whole demented psychological thriller going on about high school girls creating a whole fake social class system that results because one bored little princess bitch thought it'd be funny, and you've got all these dynamics that can only be boiled down to some kind of love story because like. ye lim and eun jeong's dynamic? the princess idol and her athlete bodyguard. soo ji and ja eun's dynamic? the cold mastermind and the compassionate heart. even whatever da yeon and seol ha have got going on? typical hitter and loyal dog dynamic. the list can go on.
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Happy disability pride to everyone whose disability makes it hard/impossible for them to leave the house.
Happy disability pride to everyone who WANTS to do something they love, but can't because of their disability.
Happy disability pride to everyone who has ever been ignored, side-eyed or scoffed at (or otherwise judged) for being themselves in public.
Happy disability pride to people in constant pain, that doesn't end or break.
Happy disability pride to people who can't/don't want an official diagnosis because it would fuck up their lives, but they need the accommodations anyway.
Happy disability pride to people who did get/have gotten/had to get a diagnosis, because they needed what came from it.
Happy disability pride to the under-represented disabilities that people don't talk about much, or that get ignored both online and IRL.
Happy disability pride to those whose disabilities get represented in ways that do not match your experience at all.
Happy disability pride to the physically and mentally disabled people who are reading this. If you are one, the other, or (more often) both, you are still a valid person who faces discrimination and hardship from ableists, and we must all band together to vouch for our rights- ALL of our rights.
Happy disability pride to all of you, I love you all, and may we get through this month, and all the rest, together.
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