#things i should tell my therapist

[ohmymessymind]

i want to be mothered - 10.16.23

it's a lose-lose

that i don't choose.

i want my mom.

but not my mom.

but, god, i want to be mothered so badly.

i need a mother.

people tell you to reach out

but there's no one to reach out to.

i don't need anyone to listen

not even i want to hear my thoughts:

my mind has been violent.

i just want someone to hold me

rock me to sleep

with my head on their shoulders

squeeze me tight.

not a lover

not a friend

a mother.

i need so badly the kind of love only a mother can give

but i do not have a mother.

i never had a mother.

it's an impossible burden to bare.

the hole is too big

my need for nurturing is too desperate

there is no one

who can put me back together

but a mother

and a mother

i am not.

[thekatfuzz]

I think one of the things that make me aroace spec is feeling attracted to people I know are out of reach. Celebrities, characters, people older than me, etc.

But am i attracted to them because i know i cant date them and that gives me a sense of safety knowing that nothing will come of it and i can just think about it instead?

[babycharmander]

Weird folks: Vent art of any form is good and all but it should ONLY be between you and your therapist. Don’t share that stuff online or publish it!!!

Me, an artist/writer: *goes to therapy, talks about my trauma and mental health and how sometimes it’s hard to talk about it with others*

Therapist: Have you thought about using your art and writing to help you work through these things and share them with others?

[vanillajunmyeon]

not to sound absolutely deranged but i have been reading merthur fics (as usual, what i have been doing daily since march) while at work (yes) and the rush of serotonin is just unmatched, i'm giggling and blushing JUST because my blorbos are getting together for the 500th time in a different way

the merthur addiction is going splendidly everyone who knows me is quite done with me

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

Y'know, when it comes to ships with similar dynamics to Goosepowers I normally don't like adding more characters to it(with the exception of *occasionally* adding Wander to Deathglare or adding mE TO FIZZMODEUS PLS JUST GIVE ME A CHAN-), but like Matthew x Gideon x Julie is actually really good. Dont know if I like it as much as just Gideon x Julie on its own but still its so fuckin good-

[ann7av]

(spoilers) I am rereading FW and once again face the same dilemma I had since my first read back in July 2023.

Do I think Lilith Sorrengail is hot or do I just have mommy issues?

Do I think Lilith Sorrengail is hot or do I just have a thing for mean women who are good at giving orders?

Do I think Lilith Sorrengail is hot or do I just enjoy an older/more unhinged version of Mira?

"Oh but she is a war criminal"

I'm aware, she's also a middle-aged woman in a uniform who'd carve me up like a pumpkin and I would not mind it at all, blessed be the violent tendencies running in this family

AND THE BIG BROWN EYES TOO, why would RY give her big brown eyes if she didn't want me to like her?

[hope-ur-ok]

I have not eaten anything today and I frankly don't have the motivation to make anything, or even care that I haven't had anything

[tamagotchikgs]

i want to watch the bear but i am scare..d. of yelling. .

[the-converse-high-top]

this is going to sound really fucked up but i just need to say it i think.

I never realized that people could actually care. I always thought that the depictions of friendship in movies and TV shows were over-the-top portrayals, and weren't things that actually happened. This was then exacerbated by the fact that my entire life I always wanted people to just Know How I Was Feeling like they do on TV and I found out that that's Not How It Works. I always thought I was naive for caring so much about my friends and for doing nice things for them out of the blue, and I always resented myself for resenting my parents for not doing more for me as a child.

So when I got to uni, and my friends started caring about me and asking if I was ok when I looked sad and doing nice things for me, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me in a long time. When I was staying with a friend, and she said that she left the window open in the room I was going to be staying in because I liked it to be cold when i sleep, I bluescreened. I didn't know how to respond. It is quite literally one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. No one had ever paid that much attention to the things I liked. Every year on my birthday it was either a gamble if I would get something I actually wanted from my parents (spoiler alert: I was often disappointed) or I would just have to straight up tell them what I wanted. I got accustomed to the latter, and now I don't mind, but receiving two gifts from friends about languages this year made me realize that I could have it so much better.

And don't even get me started on online friends. I sort of thought that everyone was lying about them? Or that it was something unattainable, and reserved only for God's Chosen Favorites or something. But no, there are little people in my phone who care about me. They legitimately care about me as much as I care about them. I've been nervous to ask them about their well-being because I'm still nervous about being naive and getting a wake-up call that no one cares again, but after being told that they were worried about me when I overslept, I think i should know that I'm in the clear. And that's not even including all the times they tell me to go to bed when it's late, and when they ping me about things I may enjoy or things I was involved in.

All this is to say I guess that I'm touched that people remember my existence. It makes me feel good to be wanted. I will be eternally grateful to both my irl and online friends who made me realize that just because my parents or my friends from home didn't care enough to remember what I like or to go out of their way to do nice things for me, it doesn't mean that no one will. I need to step up and do more for you guys. I trained myself to push down my desire to help and check in with people because I thought I was betting on something that I'd never get in return, but now I know I can.

Thank you all, and I love you 💚

[ohmymessymind]

my mind & me - 02.13.23

i'm trying.

but my mind is controlling me.

least, it feels like it is.

these thoughts flowing in and out of my brain are erasing me

piece by piece.

i feel so alone.

everything feels so overwhelming.

and so i wallow.

i went to low-income facility for extra therapy

and it was fine.

they asked me the same questions

i've answered so many times.

i know they are just doing their jobs but

with all these disclosures i sign, surely they can just share some information

instead of making me have to start over

again and again.

and my regular therapist

well i am not sure what's even happening.

things have been so hot and cold with her

i just ...feel like everything is slipping away.

i know she will blame my financial situation but

i can't help but think my therapist feels some sort of relief that she's getting rid of me.

and that feels so shitty.

i think my walls are up higher than ever

i don't want to let anyone in

because i don't want to lose anyone again.

i'm beginning to feel as if maybe i'm just destined to be alone forever

in every way

it hurts a lot.

my heart seeps so much grief

and this loneliness is killing me (and i) (least i'm still funny).

i don't know.

i'm trying so hard not to let these thoughts swallow me whole.

but they are.

i can feel that they are.

my brain is scaring me.

[thotsfortherapy]

having mommy issues be like I hate that you know me I hate that we’re related I hate that you birthed me I hate that you don’t know how to love me properly I hate that you can’t see how much you hurt me I hate that I’m expected to love you

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

[genderfluid-druid]

if i act exceedingly dramatic in the next 36 hours to a week it's because the cat is ill and my emotional circuits are overloaded

[actual-changeling]

fun fact my therapist knows me better than anyone else on this planet probably and she knows i'm a lesbian. however. i kinda uh... missed my window to come out as trans and now it's been like a year and a half and i feel like bringing it up would just be awkward.

mostly because i have no idea how to do it since i don't think i've ever had to like. properly 'come out' to anyone. usually i just tell people my name and they use it for me without asking why my government name is different lol

[kitkat-of-doom]

.

[tamagotchikgs]

sadness n agonies r getting me tonight lads it feels like theres a big knot inside me getting bigger n tighter at the same time n it hurts so much i have no idea what to do but Stand here. i can even sit im too restless im just standing and trying not to cry