#when you go to therapy—at least in my experience—your therapist will tell you to share your art with others

[babycharmander]

Weird folks: Vent art of any form is good and all but it should ONLY be between you and your therapist. Don’t share that stuff online or publish it!!!

Me, an artist/writer: *goes to therapy, talks about my trauma and mental health and how sometimes it’s hard to talk about it with others*

Therapist: Have you thought about using your art and writing to help you work through these things and share them with others?

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey, allo anon with an ace partner here. I wanted to say thank you so much for the well wishes! I figured I would send this in here again, so anyone else who is curious about what this experience looks like from the other side can see it.

My girlfriend came out to me a little over 2 years into our relationship. At the time it surprised me a lot, because she'd never given me any signs that she wasn't enjoying what we were doing. After we talked more I understood that she wasn't repulsed by sex and she didn't hate it, but she didn't really love it either and wanted to stop doing it for a while (so a sex-neutral ace).

Honestly, at the time, I did get anxious about it. Not just because of social conventions, but because I had viewed sex as an important bonding part of our relationship. I don't do well with change, and I was super worried about how a lack of sex would change our dynamic. I also had some insecurities about my own body, and my girlfriend admitting that she didn't see me as sexy was upsetting. But after speaking to my therapist, I realized that I was projecting my own issues on to the relationship. So I spoke with her again, and she reassured me that she wanted to be with me, and that she was confiding these feelings because she trusted me. She likes how I look, she just doesn't have the same sexual impulses I do.

So, I realized this was pretty much like cuddling. I love physical touch a lot, and I want to cuddle for a much longer time than she does. I like it when someone lies on top of me. She doesn't want me on top of her chest during cuddling. She still cuddles with me, but she tells me when she's satisfied, and we stop.

A few months went by, and I noticed that she wasn't spending any less time with me; she was actually spending more. We would still call every evening when we didn't meet up in person, we would still joke around, and she still told me she loved me and did everything she could to show it to me. We also began trying out new stuff together, and playing games and watching stuff more often. We also still had plenty of physical intimacy with things like cuddling and kissing, which made me really happy.

I realized that I didn't feel like anything was missing from the relationship. I just needed her to show and tell me she loved me in the ways she normally did. Sure, I am still attracted to her that way, but it wasn't something that would make or break the relationship.

It's been years since she came out, and at this point, I never expect anything sexual. It happens rarely, and I always check in with her multiple times before and during. We stop at any point she tells me. There are quite a few hard boundaries about what is and isn't off limits, and I always keep them in mind. I would rather satisfy myself forever than make her uncomfortable, and she knows it.

It's been over 5 years and we are still going strong. I am hoping to ask her to marry me in the next few years, because honestly, I can't picture wanting anyone else by my side. She is kind, funny, beautiful, intelligent, and treats me well. I could never ask for anything more from a partner.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I myself definitely lack knowledge of what it feels like from an allo's perspective, so this was very educational for me, but beyond that... You have no idea how much hope this gives me.

From you being aware of how much sex meant to you in the context of your relationship and still being fine without it, to just... Heck, even your therapist for not blaming her for the situation. Therapy is still very much, in my country at least, an area where the absence or lower levels of sexual attraction will be hastily labelled as something wrong physically or mentally, so... Yeah, the amount of relief I felt reading that, you have no idea. And I can only imagine how much your partner appreciates it too.

Honestly I teared up a bit reading this - I sincerely wish you guys all the best and I hope you have a bright future ahead! (Also fun fact, seems you guys have been together as long as my partner and I have, it's nice to be able to relate to that too hehe^^)

[dukesoakedoats]

Therapy Friends

I was sitting in my room and eating when I just thought about this so here it is. I really really don’t like the term therapy friend and here’s why. Most people don’t join a friendship to just be reduced to being your therapist, we become your friends so that we can share experiences together, talk and laugh and cry and help each other when we are both in a time of need. The name therapy friend for me suggests that all our friendship has been reduced to me just listening to you, it takes away the aspect of actual human interaction. Friends listen and help you but it is also much more.When I was younger there was this girl at school, she was beautiful mind you and I really liked her eventually by some stroke of luck we became friends. Soon I found out that we liked the same thing, we would sit on the wooden park bench and trade pokemon cards while also reading books about shipwrecks. It’s a core memory for me however as time went on she started to talk about her problems and issues that made her sad, of course as a friend I listened and helped her and I was happy. I was happy that I was helping my friend and able to take a bit off the burden off of her shoulders. I loved it when I made her laugh or solve her issue because that’s what a friend does. However soon our chat logs were no longer actual conversations, it was just her telling me about her problems after going radio silent for months on ends, I felt we had lost our connection but I still helped her and would always listen. However a couple of months ago I looked back at the texts and realised we hadn’t had an ACTUAL conversation something shy of a year nor had she ever responded to my issues or stuff like that, I thought it was weird but I didn’t say anything because I thought I was a shit friend. But I wasn’t a shit friend. I wasn’t a friend to her at all really, I was just something she dumped her issues on and expected me to always help her. I would give her solutions and yet she wouldn’t listen at all and just see the negative side , it was draining and I tried to carry on but I couldn’t. I was her therapy “friend” her bootleg therapist and that was it. She stopped even saying happy birthday to me or on one occasion she cried to me about her problems while I was visiting a terminal family member. I’ve stopped talking to her and yes I’m sad but I’m also happy, I’m free in a sense. That’s why everytime I see that post that’s like “god forbid they pay walled human interaction” I get really angry? Like no if you reduce your friendship to just “therapy” it’s not human interaction. No one starts a friendship for the intention of just being your therapist, we want to help you and talk to you but also laugh with you as well. You know what the sad thing is a bit, that maybe if she would have asked me how I was at least once while she talked to me about her issues I would still be her friend. people have issues and sometimes their life is shit and I know that but I hope you are being at least decent human beings to the person you are talking to about your issues. The whole “therapy friend” trope gives me the ick. Like how many times have we seen people complain about being that friend, it’s not HEALTHY. Friends are there to listen and help, that’s why they are friends. You don’t force your friend to be a therapist because that takes away true friendship.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! Hope you have some advice for me...I always get extremely nervous when I have to go to work. And I don't understand why, I like my job (and I'm pretty good at it), my coworkers and my boss. Why am I like this 🤧

Hey Nonny! *HUGS*

I'm going to start off by saying I am in no way a professional, I just speak from personal anecdotes and experiences, as well as offering my opinions, so take what I say with a grain of salt, LOL.

Honestly Nonny, it sounds like social anxiety... I had it REALLY bad when I had to go back to the office last year, and I still have it when I have to deal with people on the daily. Public transit makes me super anxious, and other places and situations I'm not familiar with do as well. Could be you're anxious about doing a good job, your body overthinking things subconsciously and then giving a panic response in return.

Basically – and this is something I've had told to me by my therapist – I have control issues that are part of my overall mental health diagnosis. If I don't have control of a situation – like public transit or other people's inability to move at a pace that my brain deems acceptable – then I go into a panic response of immediately trying too assess how to fix things and retake control. Fortunately this is something I am working very hard on in regular therapy with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and basically it's us working on ways to rewire my brain to STOP with the panic response.

BUT AGAIN, that's for me. Could be a similar issue for you too, Nonny, since, scarily, this sounds SO much like me. I'm not as bad as I used to be since I've been seeing my therapist, but it is a LOT of work and money that my insurance covers, thankfully. I think you might benefit, if you're able to, from CBT as well if this is all you're having issues with in relation to anxiety. But again, I can't diagnose you since I'm not trained nor do I know you or more details beyond this ask. BUT my therapist always tells me to look into the "bigger picture"... it's not the JOB that's making you anxious. Do you commute, or is it the prospect of possible failure, or is it certain people (in my case it was all of the above)? Figure out what is triggering that anxiousness in you, and it will be easier to work outwards from there <3

But yeah, I'd at least research CBT, I believe that there are self-management techniques you can do to help with a bit of your anxiety <3

Sorry I'm not much help other than that. Like I said, please take my anecdotes as being just that <3

If anyone has anything they can share, please do.

OH! And Nonny? You're like that because you're human. 💜🖤 No one is perfect.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi,

To be honest, I just need the validation that I am not the strangest person ever. Just before my period starts I usually have the same "mood swings". 3 days before I am super social, 2 day before very self critical/self hating, and one day before it is just world-goes-down mood. This is strange but in a way great because it is so constant and I know how it'll go on. I also noticed that I tend to get panic attacks more likely on these days. But what I now discovered it that I really feel like triggering myself on these days too.

Usually when I think of the past my emotions vary, sometimes it is an undeserved nostalgia, or gloom, but some memories are simply triggering. And on these days I feel just as if you'd say "Oh, I would really love to watch a movie right now" but in my case "Oh, I would really love to trigger myself right now." with the memories that trigger, no nostalgia or anything. I noticed that I get more "interested" in my past, read old diaries, and also think more about my therapy and what to tell my therapist about my past (and I now really question if my panic attacks really come from hormonal fluctiations or from this). And I kind of have to really stop myself from doing that with force and it feels like depriving myself something, that I'd really want. But today it came to me that my "goal" in this is to trigger myself and get emotional flashbacks. So I don't know but like ? What's wrong with me??

Hi anon,

Please know that you're not alone in experiencing these things, especially self-triggering. It's something that I do as well and sometimes the reasons are truly a mystery, though with enough self-reflection it can be possible to discover at least some of the motivation behind it.

I want to share an excerpt I wrote of some of the reasons I self-trigger in case any of them may resonate with you or help you gain further insight into your experiences and behaviors:

"Part of it was to just try and make sense of it all, analyze it down to the finest detail, try to find a motive in the fabric of his shirt or the greed in his eyes. Trying to find myself. Trying to regress. Trying to give her justice by never forgetting what he did to her. Trying to mourn myself in a perpetual funeral. Trying to just hurt myself. Trying to overcome my triggers by constantly confronting them in hopes that one day I’ll just be numb, as if it’s a victory to be numb. Trying to prove to my inner gaslighter that it really was that bad, only to destroy my mental health in the process. It feels like running back into a burning building trying to find any valuables or survivors, even though there’s nothing left."

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process these experiences, explore the roots of your self-triggering habits, and develop healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[citylawns]

I had my last psychotherapy session for at least six months today because my therapist is going on maternity leave (I'm so happy for her, I love her so much) and I felt okay afterwards. I bought myself a treat and cried a bit.

What I really want to say and don't know quite how to say it is my therapist confirmed that I experienced sexual abuse as a child and I only just realised/remembered that a few days ago. I was crying and dissociating for days, called in sick to work, started getting veritgo that I couldn't get rid of.

But after that, I paradoxically feel the healthiest I have ever felt. I feel like everything is clearing. Like I am freeing myself. That things actually make sense for the first time in my life. I don't remember much about what happened, and maybe I won't ever remember. I think I can make peace with that, I dont really want to remember anyway. I also cant force it. But for the first time I want to take care of myself instead of harm myself at these memories and very visceral and uncomfortable emotions and I think thats also a first for me. Like over the weekend I very much did self injure in some way but I dont have that urge now. I was very much trying to hurt myself last year.

There are a couple things I want to say

(1) therapy has saved my life. trauma informed psychotherapy specific to the issues I have experienced.

(2) I share my emotions a lot on here (knowing the risk, knowing the benefit) and get people telling me "don't be sad just be happy :)" and "all you talk about is your pain is your life really that miserable?" and I want strangers who read this and think those things to understand that yes, life has been that painful. it's been devastating in more ways than I can even express but its been beautiful too, and I'm trying my best to have more beautiful moments. but you need to learn to not go around and invalidate someone's pain or tell them to change it like they have control over that because you don't know their history or what they are coping with. they might not even fully know. it's not wrong to feel bad. it's not bad to be in pain. it's not bad to be unhappy. it tells us when something is wrong. I wrote something about that a while ago before I even fully understood it, and I still forgot it and got angry at myself for feeling sad. I will keep reminding myself of my own lessons.

(3) when people say "it gets better" they are half right. we can all only speak from our own experience, so in mine I want to say that I have fought for it to get better. tooth and nail. better isn't perfect. but my god its not what life was before. better also looks different for everybody.

(4) I wouldn't change a thing about my life despite it all. I'm just so happy I get to live

[cissyenthusiast010155]

This isn't a happy ask, so don't think you need to read it right away, especially with the holidays supposed to be a happy thing.

I do hope you have a wonderful weekend btw ❤

I'm struggling, but I'm scared to reach out to my friends, cause I don't want to ruin their holiday. I'm sure they would say it was fine, but I don't want to make them sad.

The actual holiday stuff has been okay, but I had some really bad stuff happen arround this time last year, and the flashbacks and ptsd are kicking my ass. I'm so scared of this stuff, so frighted that things like that can actually happen irl. Sorry... I don't mean to act like the world's ending, it's not. I just don't want to remember that stuff... it's scary.

I'm so upset and I'm kinda panicked and I just want somebody to hold me tight, like *really* tight. I would feel so much better if I had someone here to hold me and protect me, so I could just sleep and not be worried or frightened, even if the danger is already gone.

-🫖

{Let’s Talk PTSD and Trauma Triggers…}

Hey heyyy there sweet anon…!! I hope you’re doing well. Hey, it’s okay that this isn’t a happy ask. I want to hear from you. Happy or sad. You matter and your voice matters ♥️. Thank you for your kind words! I am so proud of you for sharing and being vulnerable especially when it’s not happy.

I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling. You and your experiences are valid. And I’m so sorry that you feel that you can’t reach out to your friends. I am so glad you reached out to at least me. You need to talk about it, not bottle it up.

*sigh* Traumatic triggers and ptsd are no joke. I’m sorry to hear that this time of year brings those around more. I’m not surprised though, the holiday times can often do that. Your feelings are valid. So valid. Your experiences are valid. You are valid. And it can kick your ass. It can be extremely taxing to have to relive those memories, especially if it’s on a daily basis. I am so sorry you have to go through this, sweet anon. I know what that feels like, and it’s by no means pleasant…

It’s valid for you to be upset and panicked. It’s valid to be shook and riled up. And your feelings of wanting to be held tight is completely normal. I completely understand that. You want physical comfort in those moments, to help calm your mind. That’s so valid. I empathize with that need.

The next time you have one of these moments, I want you to practice some deep breathing. Focus in on your breathing and get it under control if it isn’t already. Then, I want you to find someone you can talk to, in person is better but a phone call works as well. This will ease and help the craving of physical comfort. Talk through what you’re feeling with them if you feel safe enough to. Try and do things to calm you. And after the fact, I would highly recommend you seek the help of a trauma specialist or your therapist if you have one. Tell them about your experiences and these episodes. They can help you process and heal from them. I would recommend you look into EMDR therapy, especially for the ptsd and the panic.

There is a way to heal and grow from this. Even though you may not see that right now, there is a way. It will all be okay. But you need to take the time to take care of yourself, sweet anon.

I hope you found some of this informative and helpful. I am so proud of you for reaching out. Remember, you are always welcome in my asks and my DMs. I hope you have a lovely day/night, sweetheart!! 💞💞

Talk with Me ❤️‍🔥

[csaventing]

i hope this vent doesn’t hurt anyone and that I’m doing this correctly. I’m just feeling very lost and frustrated rn.

I was scrolling through this blog to stop myself from feeling alone in my experience (CSA/COCSA). Really, I’ve been looking a lot for art that expresses how I feel about what happened. this isn’t possible without getting into the debate about what is and is not CEM.

I’m an artist and it’s a huge part of processing for me. always has been. Even before I knew what or why I was drawing what I was. Sharing my art and hearing from people who could see the pain and the struggle made me feel understood and not alone.

But I’m really struggling right now with no outlet. With the way people act around trauma art (especially child abuse stuff), I find it really hard to feel safe posting things anymore. I feel like a monster sometimes for wanting to draw such terrible things happening. drawing stuff that expresses how confusing and awful it feels to go through that stuff. It feels really fake and sanitized to just talk about what happened in “safe” therapy words. I wish I could express myself or find ppl who have been hurt like me and see myself reflected in something.

Right now it just feels like the only thing I’m allowed to talk about is pain and it has to be faceless and vague. I’m not allowed to express the confusion of being too young to understand. twisting things up in your head and repeating what happened onto yourself. I can’t express my raw emotions or thoughts unless they’ve been filtered for people who think that art about CSA is as bad as CP.

it really makes me feel like im not allowed to be messed up inside. That even tho my therapist tells me it’s normal for victims to feel guilty for not saying no or even enjoying parts of what happened, it doesn’t matter cuz I can’t talk to anyone about it. I can’t explain what it felt like without getting death threats for not making myself say No in my own account of what happened.

I feel more alone now than I did before I knew what was wrong with me. Because at least back then, I could show someone and hear back “me too” instead of being told to die.

Personally, we have made some art about CSA that we both have shared and both that we haven’t shared. I wouldn’t say that it is like CEM (child explotation material) at all.

We are very sorry for how you have been treated when posting this stuff.

[stylesprimes]

How do you teach yourself to be open with someone?

lmfao 5 years of therapy and counting

okay no actually i do have advice!!

something my therapist said that has rly stuck with me is ‘it’s a privilege for someone to know you deeply’

this has made me a bit more closed off in some respects in the sense that i only allow myself to be open to people who i think will receive it well and who have shown some willingness to be open, too. but by being more selective about who i’m open to, it means that i’ve gotten burned less and it’s easier for me to be open with new people

also like someone doesn’t need to know every single detail of your shit at once—baby steps is a big thing. for example, when i’m telling someone new that i have bipolar, i don’t dive into the depressive episode that got me diagnosed right off the bat. first i bring up bipolar in conversation to see if that gets a reaction, as well as talking generally about mental health/therapy. then, if they reacted well, i share my diagnosis and usually add that i’m taking meds and in therapy but don’t give a ton of other details. and only when i feel super safe with someone that i’ll go into more detail about what it’s really like and some of the bad experiences i’ve had.

and i’ve got one last metaphor for you (also courtesy of my therapist)—relationships are like tennis. if you hit something over to someone, you’d expect them to hit it back. try being a tiny bit open with someone, and wait to see if they reciprocate with some openness of their own.

i hope at least some of this is helpful!! best of luck opening up, friend 🩵

[queerautism]

When I was in therapy for CBT I can say that it did, in ways, help with my anxiety, mostly it just vaguely gave me directions to the first step and I kept going from there.

But everything else it did kind of sucked?

I was in an actively abusive situation at the time and a lot of the time it made me feel like the situation was my fault because I wasn't communicating enough, and like if I walked up to my parents and just told them my feelings everything would be okay. (Which I didn't, for obvious reasons.)

That or they'd just go "I am really sorry about that :(" which the sympathy helped of course but they tried to keep such a 'fair' view of both sides that they never told me like, I didn't deserve to be in that situation or even the bare minimum of telling me what my parents did was bad.

I know this stuff now but hearing it from an adult I trusted would've probably helped me at least have an easier time in multiple years after of insecurity over all of that.

Also she left being my therapist after her baby was born so she's not my therapist anymore lol

Thank you for sharing your experience

[my-undeniable-truth]

I'm Still Here

I am a Millennial. At least that's what the media labels me as. Apparently I am to blame for a long-suffering economy, a sharp decline in religious belief, a lack of home ownership, people not wanting to work, etc.

I am 30 years old. The schools told us we could be anything we want. My parents alternated between "you can do anything you put your mind to" and "be realistic".

I was taught to stand up to peer pressure but speaking my mind at home was considered a form of disrespect.

I was taught to use my "common sense" but never to question the religion I was raised in.

I was taught that marriage was sacred and between a man and a woman. But my parents later divorced when I began college.

My mother met another man on Facebook. My father withdrew emotionally and began sitting on the porch, in a chair, the empty beer cans scattered about.

My father is a veteran with PTSD. He would become angry with my mom over the smallest incidents. For instance, he snapped at her because she asked him if he needed dandruff shampoo, a little too loudly in Walmart.

Mom felt like she was doing more than her fair share; dad felt neglected. She "hardened" her heart as she put it; he drank too much. In church, we sat in separate pews.

She was unknowingly going through a midlife crisis. He was neglecting his mental health. Neither communicated, and neither went to therapy.

She cheated on him; he took his frustration out on the family. Yelling at her, at my two sisters, and me. Mom used me as her therapist/sounding board, dumping everything on me.

It started my senior year; their marriage ended my first year in college. They raised me to believe gay marriage was wrong, but here our family was suffering because their marriage self-destructed.

Both neglected their responsibilities and yet refused to drop their expectations of me. And they wonder why I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

I was hit as a child. In the Bible Belt, they call it "spanking". Just another word for abuse.

My parents said they did it to teach me respect. Respect who? You or me? So you violated my personal boundaries because you felt like I didn't respect your authority? All I did was learn to fear you and hate myself.

My parents said they did it out of love. Well that's where I call bullshit. I am an empath. I feel the emotions of others. All I ever felt from them in those moments was frustration and anger.

I fail to see how it is done out of love when you as the parent are willingly inflicting pain on a child who can't defend themselves.

In later years, I would suffer anxiety attacks whenever I saw a child being spanked. Whenever the topic of spanking came up in a conversation, I would do my best to change the topic or find an excuse to lave the room.

Whenever I heard my sisters being spanked, I would experience flashbacks. I would find myself back in time, in those moments where I was assaulted. I would feel the pain again.

I was told I was "too sensitive". My dad would tell people he was trying to "toughen" us up.

We weren't allowed to cry much. How many times have I heard "I'll give you something to cry about"?

My parents were also overly critical of us. If my opinion didn't suit theirs, I was automatically wrong. Their response was often "I didn't raise you that way". Teaching me to be honest and then attacking me for thinking different, for making a mistake, or for failing. No wonder I lied, cried in private, feared the disapproval of others, suffered from low self-esteem, etc.

My best friend, who is gay, has saved me countless times. He's helped me realize that I don't have to live up to others expectations. He's helped me learn self-acceptance, embrace who I am, and embrace self-care.

To Christian standards, I might be selfish. With each day, I'm learning more and more how to be myself.

I am recovering from another mental breakdown. I've struggled with my mental health and suicidal tendencies for most of my life. Not to mention self-harm.

Recently I struggled with opioid addiction and with being in a toxic relationship.

I'm a college dropout, a job hopper, a disappointment, the family fuck up, mentally ill, a recovering drug addict.

I'm numb. Angry. Lost. Confused...

But I'm also

A survivor. A fighter. A loving person.

I'm someone

Who wants to make the world a better place

Who tries every day

To be better

Than my parents were

Than my ex was

Than who I was

I'm tired

of feeling

inadequate, useless

To quote Linkin Park:

"I'm tired of being

who they want me to be"

But

despite

it all,

I'm still here

[malobanshee]

My therapist makes me use a feelings list because I have an extremely difficult time recognizing feelings or even that I have a body at all. Anyway, today I got frustrated because "angry" wasn't precise enough, and so I had to look at the list and give a more precise word. I blurted out, "What is the difference between enraged and furious, aren't those synonyms for the same feeling??!?!"

She responded simply, "you get to decide."

I shit you not my brain short circuited and I still don't know what the fuck that means. You...get to decide what words mean? THAT IS NOT HOW LANGUAGE WORKS?!?!!!! Isn't there supposed to be a shared understanding of feelings that we all mutually agree upon so that we can use language with as much precision as is possible (which is not much because we are all a bunch of little weirdos with wildly different thinkers)?

Also, a friend described their experience with therapy, and it is counter to this interaction. Her therapist would say, "Choose a word that 100 people would agree upon if they were here to witness this circumstance." This was an exercise in describing a circumstance, not a feeling, but I think that it has some merit here. Because if you can't have that consensus, then that indicates that you are intellectualizing your feelings and trying to ascribe meaning to the circumstance. This urge to create narrative obscures the circumstances as they are and keeps you trapped within the story you tell yourself about the circumstance. So I feel that the goal with expressing feelings would be similar but instead focused on intellectualizing the meaning of words instead of focusing on the feeling itself. DO I JUST NOT UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT?

Additionally, how is that useful to her if I am just…over here deciding that those words mean the same things or different things if she is just...making assumptions about what I mean when I am saying them?

HERE, THE SYSTEM BREAKS DOWN!

I feel like I just had a Wizard-of-Oz-man-behind-the-curtain moment.

This is where conventional therapy really breaks down for me. I have a diagnosis of AuDHD (this therapist does not do diagnostics, but is a trauma specialist—my diagnosing therapist referred me to her). She seems to view all of my experiences through the lens of trauma: that I will no longer experience these things (or at least as severely) when the CPTSD is treated. This is difficult for me because I just don't agree that Autism and ADHD are simply biproducts of trauma, or that it is useful to try to extrapolate where one ends and another begins. How would one even propose to do this?

There comes a point where these types of therapeutic tools seem wildly obtuse and useless to me. I will say that I have been able to identify more feelings in a limited capacity. But I do think it would be more useful to be able to express, "I have a weak/medium/strong sense of anger because *insert context here*" than to insist upon a seemingly arbitrary use of ever more granular vocabulary? Also, when pressed, I can feel my body more reliably now. I am on the fence about whether NOT feeling my body is always dissociative, and I am adamant (despite what the therapist recognizes) that there should be a category of neutral states to use in place of emotions where appropriate.

But I guess I get to fucking decide, so now I am just going to tell her that sorry. I decided there are neutral states. You empowered me to this and now you have no choice. 😌

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, this is a very distant problem since I haven't found a therapist by now but I am already afraid that I will overrate our relationship. That's probably the most abused-kid thing but when there's an adult listening to me, being nice to me, I always wish for them to adopt me. I would never tell them or behave different than a patient with better boundaries. When I talked to therapist in the past, when I was in hospital, I hated them talking about their family, having pictures of their kids standing around because I don't want to be reminded, that the person I tell the deepest trauma of my past, forgets me once they leave the door. Of course they don't actually do that, but I am a patient for them, their job. While I imagine a life as their adoptive daughter. That sounds so shitty, I want to clarify again that I would never cross any boundaries. I am very sure none of my therapist knew of that issue. It is all just daydreaming.

Because of my trust issues I need someone that I can really "vibe with" and can't just go to a therapist that I feel neutral about.

I want to start therapy with a plan to not let my therapist get "too close" to me. Because 1. I am ashamed to ask them about the issue at one point and 2 I think it'll be easier if I do it "right" from the start on than to "let go" at some point.

Hi anon,

So it sounds like when an adult expresses interest or care in you, you might experience a sort of transference where you almost want them to become your parent, and perhaps you wish that a parental figure in your life expressed that level of interest in you. Alternatively, you may also have some trust issues that make it hard for you to want to feel close to a potential therapist. Additionally, you might feel envy when you see functional family dynamics, as it's only a reminder of what you may feel you don't have.

Consider that a therapist is there to help you make sense of what's going on in your world, and give you the opportunity to figure out what to do. I think that a therapist could be able to help you work on these feelings, and I know it can be challenging to feel comfortable being open with them about such vulnerable things, but unless your feelings interfere with your therapy (which it doesn't sound like it would since you say you would never cross any boundaries), it should be fine to bring up.

I also just want to say that, at least in my experience with therapy (and I've seen maybe 3-4 therapists in total now) I always felt a mutual personal connection with my therapists. Maybe I just got lucky, but at least in my experience I always felt that my therapists didn't necessarily forget about me after we left the room. One of the things is that therapists usually keep case notes to keep track of what you've shared and what you've worked on in therapy. Another thing is that therapists (generally speaking) do genuinely care about their clients, that's usually the primary reason why they become therapists - because they care about getting to know people and their mental health, and helping them through their problems. Especially having experiences where my therapists have expressed their admiration of my bravery, courage, and intelligence, it helps you feel noticed. I wish those experiences for you.

It can be hard to even seek out therapy, let alone allow yourself to be vulnerable with a therapist. But just know that therapy is not only there to help you, but it is there to help you so long as you are willing. We all resist therapy in different ways, and that's normal. But as long as you are willing to work through them and understand yourself a bit more, that's really what therapy is all about. It's an awfully risky thing to live, and so nothing is without risk, but with risk (in this case, trusting a therapist) comes reward.

I wish you the best of luck in finding the right therapist, and I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[dzpenumbra]

9/16/22

I'm trying to process something, I was curious about it. Maybe someone out there would be willing to weigh in on this and share their perspective. I'm a very sensitive person. I was born this way. By saying sensitive person, I think people automatically put this sorta carbon copy generic concept on the words. Subtext, if you will. So when someone says "sensitive person", I assume most people think of someone frail, someone who cries, someone who gets their feelings hurt more easily. Am I close? And they have this association of "that's annoying", "that's obnoxious", "that's pathetic", "that's weak", "grow tougher skin". That kinda deal. Right?

I know my family was especially like this, I've met many others the same way. I think most of my friends throughout my life would bitch to me about people like that. Using "sensitive" as... almost a derogatory term. Like a slur.

What sensitive means, in my experience of reality, is that my sensory experience of life is more intense than yours. Your volume knob goes to 10, but 10 is maxed at 10dB. My 10 goes to 80dB. Maybe not that much, I really don't know proportions, I have no idea how much less someone feels than me. But that's the part that really gets wires crossed with people, I think. They have trouble processing this concept. Let's try an analogy.

At the doctor's office, they had a sheet on the wall that had different faces - a pain scale from 1 to 10. So if someone sees me at a what I'm saying is a 3 (because I have a lifetime worth of experience tolerating these senses) they think of that in context of their 3, which is what... like... sleeping on their arm wrong or something? I get how they would think that's a lot of whining. But for me, 3 is like... spraining your ankle. At least that's what I'm told. So maybe it would be closer to a 5 or 6 on their scale?

This is all entirely speculation, honestly. I just learned about the physical sensitivity thing when I was getting dental work done, because it took more Novocain than usual to get me numb. The connection to emotional sensitivity was pretty linear. But apparently I used to cry projectile tears when I was a baby and I still sit in blissful reverence of sunrises. When I love, I love with all my heart. When I grieve, I die a little myself. I feel so deeply, and I am so grateful for it.

I am deeply grateful that I have been bestowed this gift of being able to experience life as fully as I can. And I constantly kick myself for not taking advantage of it more. Not in a hedonistic way, but in a... not holding myself back way. In the past, my favorite binges were pain pills and benzos, that dull and numb my senses and emotions. They brought me quiet. They brought me... i wanted to say peace, but it was just more... emptiness. The thought of going back makes me sad. Very sad. Like sacrificing my gift to the world for self-indulgence.

Instead, I've been trying to connect with cannabis, which has served as an emotional enhancer. Or at least liberator. I feel like I'm much better for it, especially considering the exposure therapy it is for my PTSD every single time I smoke. It's hard, it's scary, but it's getting much better. And once I get a partner to smoke with regularly, it will integrate into my life much more seamlessly, because as much as smoking and freaking out is one of my demons... smoking and interacting with people is one of the BIGGEST.

I'm sidebarring here to shit on my therapists real quick. So... I tell people that one of my biggest traumas in the past was when I got absurdly fucking high and went to classes, and was around social groups, and my anxiety demon learned some really nasty tricks and started fucking with me. Phantom sensations, phantom senses, hypothetical situations. I was afraid I had pissed or shit myself and didn't know it. I was afraid I smelled. (I had that phobia all through high school and well into college, like really bad phobia, like wouldn't use public bathrooms bad) I was afraid people were laughing at me, or talking about me, or making fun of me, right in front of me. I was imagining it, and my imagination was so vivid and strong that I could actually envision and feel what it would be like if it did happen. I did sleep deprivation experiments a few years later and it was very similar to that. This experience fucked up my entire path in life at a very formative age - 18. I failed out of college and had to start from scratch because of it. It formed very deep PTSD that I'm really proud to say I've made monumental progress with the past few years. It was crippling for many, many years, to the point of me being agoraphobic.

When I went to the residential treatment center to get off my meds, one of my terms for residency that I brought to the table was that I would be allowed to continue smoking weed. That they would help me work with it as a therapeutic tool. That they would help supervise and assist, guide me, with my exposure therapy. And provide a safe place for me to detox off of meds. Part of the conditions would be to help me get a medical license to do this. It was still legal recreationally, but my hope was that it would help them be able to mitigate legal liability, because this use here was clearly not recreational. It's like... as recreational as going hiking in the woods when you just read reports of a mountain lion stalking the area and there are signs posted every 10 yards saying "Caution - Dangerous Wildlife - Turn Back".

They lied to me. At least the person who ran the place. She just nodded and smiled to get me in the door and into the program. I remember vividly being surprised with how willing she would be to try it, because of how conservative and naive they seemed in their relation to weed. Needless to say, it did not happen. I did not get the opportunity to face this demon. I did not get to practice. In fact, since that day, I have smoked with 2 people on one occasion each. That was... late summer 2019, so... about 3 years ago. I want so bad to do this exposure therapy. I just want to smoke around someone I trust, and be able to bond with them, and open up to them. And prove that it isn't the end of the world. Prove that that person won't betray me, or hurt me. That I won't upset them. Showing them my true, raw form - amplified and expressed vulnerably - and having them do the same. To bond. Intimacy. Trust.

The day I get this, I will finally get to truly prove to the world - fuck that, to myself - that being myself is not a bad thing. Being 100% me will not result in bad things. Doing this journaling has been serving that purpose lately, but it's not the same as looking into the deep black of someone else's pupils.

"Meet me where the stones are smooth Where the waves are thick And the oldest truth is showing through holes in your eyes

Meet me where the stones are smooth Where the light on the other side Of that black, shines through"

To go full circle with this, because I had an incomplete thought I wanted to come back to, like I often do and just say fuck it and wander into the woods of thought instead. Following alluring breadcrumbs like a wandering deer. That was Kristoff Krane - AL7ONE up above there, phenomenal song. I wanted to address how people treat sensitives as... weak. And in my case, haven't even offered opportunities for me to grow more resilient, or practice. Like... if I'm more sensitive to light changes, it might be important for me to practice stuff in different conditions so I can be prepared for those light changes and the discomfort and disorientation that can come with it. Others who are less sensitive may not require this, it may simply not affect them as severely, biologically. I do. And I'm willing to put in the work to do it.

But this weird thing has been happening. People who are not as sensitive as me - rather than learn what it's like to live with me, or find ways to be accommodating and helpful - instead tend to either fear me, see my evolved responses as "incorrect" or "mistaken", or demand I am experiencing it incorrectly, and demand I simply endure it like everyone else does. So I was saying the scale thing earlier as like... life has an electric collar on both me and this other. The collar on me is set halfway up, to the point where it's nearly unbearable. Theirs is set to 2. They look at me like a wimp, because as far as they are seeing, this isn't that much to endure.

I think what I'm learning is that this is toxic behavior. I have just sorta been nodding and smiling because I see it everywhere... but it's sorta like how some people are totally okay just poisoning wild animals because they are seeking refuge in their basement. Call me a bleeding heart, call me a hippie, call me weak and fragile, but I will not ethically allow peer pressure to bring me to lower my moral values like that. I will not needlessly take a life because someone who is supposed to be in a supportive role said "don't be a pussy, it's just a fucking mouse".

People like that legitimately scare me now, and there is a little of that persona in... I would venture to say most people. Some way more than others. It haunts me. I see it regularly. Maybe that's what people in the early days referred to as the devil, or demons. That look in someone's eyes when they go into denial and turn their morals or emotions off, they kinda glaze over and go on autopilot or something. Defense mechanism, I would wager. I wonder if talking to a veteran about this would be beneficial for me, if I could even go in depth with them about this without breaking them. I guarantee they saw that shit every damn day on the battlefield.

So yeah, that thought was kinda lingering and I'm still processing it. I'm still pissed at those therapists, I could've made so much progress, instead, I just spent that time waiting. But what I'm really trying to all-in on right now, right the fuck now especially. Is being as 100% real as I can be. Living life with my heart on my sleeve. Taking chances. Taking leaps. Saying yes.

I just need to be really fucking careful who I say yes to, because a LOT of people have just latched onto me and either sucked me dry or bolted me to the ground. That's my current quandary. I try to trust first, then sort out who is a piece of shit. But I think my optimism and my gift of being able to see all the best and potential in people... it blocks my ability to see what is actually happening in the moment, and I look past their hurtful and often abusive actions as... growing pains? Things they are working on? Byproducts of pain and trauma that they carry, that are manifesting through them, but they still have a heart underneath. But for fuck's sake, I rarely even hear a "sorry" anymore.

Most of the time, they are not working on those things. They are actually actively avoiding working on them. Sometimes, they are working towards keeping them. I need to get better at discerning that, and establishing clear thresholds in my inner guidebook for how I let people treat me. I need to have a very clear point where I walk away. I never walk away. I sit there and take it until they're ready to talk peace. I endure. I need to quit that. Almost every time, they see it as aggressive and manipulative and it makes them strike me harder. I need to start taking more detailed mental notes in my post-fight analyses and mark clear delineations for where in that situation I would just walk away next time. And how I can very clearly, assertively, confidently, but somehow compassionately say "no".

It's a lifelong journey, but once it happens, life will start getting much healthier. It already has.

[one-systems-journey]

16th June 2022

Therapy

Today began with a bit of difficulty. It was the first day back face to face after my psych had covid. I’m glad that in the past we had spoken about how difficult it is for us to feel settled coming into the room. Some days it’s hard for us to trust her, even after all these years. This is usually exasperated by breaks. It’s like parts forget that it’s safe. So, we stopped & took some time just to talk about our dogs & a little about cats. It helps just to settle the system & makes it easier to do the work. It’s not always feasible because of time constraints of therapy, but I really do find this helps our system. We would recommend it if you ever have days where you walk in & feel anxious or a resistance to working with your therapist. It’s better than pushing through & wasting the whole time with parts who can’t participate because they don’t feel safe.

We settled on some resourcing work. I’m not 100% sure of the purpose, but I believe it has to do with building compassion for parts & our younger self. Especially given we have so much developmental trauma that expresses itself as guilt & shame.

The process involved imagining an image of ourself as a child. For us, we had to look at a picture of ourself to get an idea in our mind, when we previously tried this exercise a long time ago. Now I can pull up that image more easily.

So, we imagined ourself & did eye movements. Between sets of eye movements our psych asked us about how I was feeling towards the child & how the child was feeling. It stirred up a lot of commentary from the system. There was resistance to thinking about what she felt. This conflict between ‘nothing happened so she feels fine, she’s happy, she looks happy’ & others who know different. We don’t know what the girl in that imagine remembers, maybe that girl doesn’t know what happened. Maybe we were switched to someone who doesn’t know about the trauma, at the time of the little girl we were imagining. If that makes sense. We know we lost other trauma memories incredibly quickly, so why would this time be any different?

After going back & forth & discussing things as they came up. We reached our limit. We started to dissociate too much & did grounding work. We always try to tell our psych about the experience outside of the questions she asks. It’s important for us to express what was happening in the system, for parts to feel heard. I appreciate that she lets us explain that when we are suppose to be grounding & moving away from the hard stuff.

Something we did gain from that process was a sense of protectiveness toward the little girl. There was a strong sense of not wanting the little girl to know about our trauma. To protect her from it. I know in some ways, we can’t. She endured it already. But maybe if she doesn’t remember, we can still keep her safe. We don’t want her to remember. We don’t want her to hurt.

A few things I think I’d like to share about this is;

It took a few sets of eye movements to get any movement with this image. It was beginning to seem like it wouldn’t work. There was a block coming from someone but it actually did move forward after a few tries. I think once we became comfortable enough to be honest about the weird thought parts kept pushing to the front of our brain, they opened up to thinking about other things. I’ve found that a few times, if something come up, no matter how unrelated it seems, just mention it. Even if it’s just littles wanting to say something completely off topic. It can make a difference to get that out of the way.

When we tried to this exercise in the past, I think we had more negative feelings towards the little girl. Or parts were quite ‘stand off-ish’ about doing the exercise. But it’s actually been at least a year, maybe a year & a half, since we did this last time. It is something you can revisit & see if you have more luck. Parts come & go from the front, they change their opinions as you work more & can become more open to thing. They can feel safer stepping out & trying something. If it’s not the right time, it’s okay. Please express that.

We also struggled to pull up an image. The photo thing isn’t considered ideal, because it’s not as much of a ‘living person’ as someone you bring up in your mind. But I found when there was a little bit of life & movement to the photo I was picturing, it did start to move forward. The photo can be a starting point if you can’t pull up an image of you/the body as a child.

I hope these insights into my experience of therapy can help someone out there. It’s scary & overwhelming. It’s hard to know how any of this will ever help. Is the pain therapy causes, worth it in the long run? I don’t have answers to that yet. But come on this journey with me & we’ll find out. I hope this makes you feel less alone, at the very least. This is a side blog, so I’ll always try to post in at least a neutral light, if not a hopeful one. Despite how hard it is, I don’t want this to be a discouraging place for anyone.

[atinylittlepain]

okay not inboxing bc anon is life but your post about something I’d like to know about you: I was so, so stunned by Deliver Me. “Stunned” might feel dramatic but please know it isn’t in this context. I was regularly stunned by your telling of this story. It helped me understand the way in which I want to be seen, and to see other people. Until reading this I don’t know if I knew a person could be seen in this way.

So, I guess I’d like to understand any influence or inspiration you may have felt while writing this story. Anything you can share would be appreciated ❤️

hi non, first of all, this is so, so kind - what a lovely thing to hear, seriously, i don't think i could ask for much more than this in putting my writing up here on the tumbles, so thank you for reading and for sharing this with me <3

Deliver Me was a very clear amalgamation of inspiration, and it was the setting that came to me first. I've lived in Colorado for four years now, and there's this town that I go to for climbing and camping called Crestone that is, bizarre, to say the least - the population is like, 120 people, and it's this real small, real quiet community out in the middle of nowhere - I started writing Deliver Me in mid-August last year (sigh) and it came right on the heels of another trip to Crestone. That town is very much the town Deliver Me is based on, and my goal was to make the setting a character as much as the other characters.

As for other inspiration, I spent the better part of last year working as a clinical intern at a DV/SA clinic, essentially conducting group and individual therapy as a baby therapist. I loved that work, and I had a deep respect and admiration for my clients, and I wanted to capture a fictional experience of DV that was truthful psychologically. The rest of the character of Dove was a gift that slowly unfurled as I continued to write.

The title Deliver Me from Nowhere comes from a lyric in Bruce Springsteen's song "State Trooper." That first scene we get between Dove and Joel when he catches her speeding was entirely built out of that song.

Lastly, I was revisiting a lot of Flannery O'Connor at the time, and she was a writer particularly interested in moments of grace in her stories - I definitely had grace on the mind writing this one.