#this chapter is very painful

[mochalottie]

“Stay right where you are,” one of them shouts, aiming the barrel of his gun at Spider’s head. “If you move, we have orders to fire.” 

“If you move, I have reason to fire too,” Spider says with some malice, and they tense in anticipation. Drawing themselves up tight and holding their breath, eyes flickering to the deadly weapon in his hands.

The tension turns the air between them heavy as Spider draws his own gun up to his shoulder. 

And blinks again, only to open his eyes to another bloody sight.

Nearly all of them flung to the ground, their blood working its way towards the diving pool and turning the water pink. Their arms and legs spread akimbo, their eyes wide and sightless, staring up at him through the plexiglass when he steps over their bodies. 

He doesn’t comprehend that this is his doing, because it would be too much for his mind. Not when it’s already so fragile. 

[itsevansart]

soon.

make my day by reblogging and not reposting!

[leuxcrows]

actual book 7 chapter 6 spoilers i do not recomend opening unless you have read it because your experience WILL be ruined

have i ever told yall that to me twst is peak comedy game of the moment

[ando666detonao]

from chapter3 of the fanfic Ace of Hearts by the brilliant @im-abanana !!! this scene played out so clearly in my mind i just HAD to materialize it

[starlight-eclipsed]

That moment when you realize the people interrogating you are very bad at it.

And here's the weekly reminder to go read A Dark Among the Lights by LuckyLectio on AO3! My phone's auto predictions can almost write out that entire sentence without prompting by now XD

Alt. version under the cut since I couldn't decide which I liked better.

[sugarpasteltmnt]

IN HIS DEFENCE YOUR HONOR, HE IS JUST A SILLY BOY

I'll just drop a little art here, keep doing what you're doing, you're doing amazing! You write so well and I can only imagine the effort it takes to pull out these chapters, so please take care of yourself too!! I've already absolutely word-vomited how much I love your work and hyukin I'll do it again-

The way that all of the brothers react to Leo is just so believable and heart-wrenching and oh my goodness poor Raph give the poor boy a break- The recovery arc that hopefully will come is gonna be a long journey (Probably more Dr. Delicate touch than Dr. Feelings slapping some of that self-sacrifice out of Leo-). Also, the sibling sense needed to make both of the climatic scenes in your fics during the Thanksgiving parade is just great, I swear it's like that sometimes though.

At the start of chapter 22 he isn't Void he's Leo. He is coping with these events as Leo. Only when he realizes that it's all real does he slip back into the Void mask. We as readers can see the literal struggle between Leo and Void through his ninpo, as it seems like (correct me if I'm wrong, or don't lol) it burns the krang infection, it seems like the only thing that can actually hurt the infection. Leo is extremely damage-resistant to the point that even nonconsensual amputation isn't really an issue to him but ninpo seems like the only thing that can genuinely hurt him. Even if I'm completely off with this whole rant, it's so cool to see how the story unfolds, trying to figure out the limits of your universe is an amazing experience.

Every time you update I feel so glad that I can see the story unfold in real time. I can't wait for the next update, but don't feel like you need to push yourself for this fic, you're doing great, especially with the quality of what you write! Maybe it's a little repetitive at this point, but really I find it absolutely unbelievable what you are able to do and I admire your ability to write such convincing narratives.

Anyways, please take the silly boi :D

THANK YOU YOU'RE SO SWEET!!!! it makes me so so so happy to hear that you're enjoying both perspectives, because it's very fun to write and i love to explore what everyone might be feeling ;w; and i'm having a LOT of fun exploring Ninpo. I'm a little sad we didn't get more of since the show ended right after the Shredder fight, but I like to think that there's nothing like it-- something unique just for them 🩵

AND THANK U FOR THE FANART AHHH 🩵😭💞💘💗‼️

[etrevil]

This is episode, this chapter- they are killing me. I am suffering because of soukoku.

Like, there are several instances where Chuuya has 'lost' his humanity- from using Corruption, and this one time of being affected by the vampire virus.

I need to share how this is a knife to my dug, getting twisted and twisted.

Because in every other time where Chuuya is lost to the throes of angry screams and mindlessness (fuck you fyodor. ordering him around has physically damaged me 😭) Dazai is there, able to nullify it.

First case is in the climax of Stormbringer, with Chuuya losing his wings and Dazai being there to catch him:

Second of them at the Dragon Head incident:

Then at 22 during the confrontation against the Guild:

And most recently, Dead Apple:

And then the prison arc rolls up, Chuuya's a vampire, and this is one of the first times that Dazai cannot nullify Chuuya back to his humanity, to his normal. He has to use his words instead of physical touch.

And this. This is what punches me in the gut, over and over again.

“Come back.”

And what if Dazai really is dead, and it isn't the Chuuya he knows that he last sees? Or what if Chuuya never does escape the vampirism, and everything goes to shit?

I rest my case. Brb gonna dig myself a grave because my own post has ended me ✌️

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

current editing moodboard, please send help

[reinedeslys-central]

wip that just germinated in my brain:

Summary, I'm thinking:

"Sorry, who's this?" Robin tucks her cellphone (cellphone! Sometimes she still can't believe it) into her neck as she sorts out the groceries Steve had forgotten about (again. Ugh.).

"It's, um, Carol. Carol, Carol Perkins? I was told this was Steve Harrington's number?"

There's a faint droning sound in their warm kitchen from the dishwasher, and it smells like summer. Robin wonders how the tinny voice in her ear is supposed to reconcile with the one in the back of her head from '86, whispering 'Oh, Carol Perkins - bad news. Don't bring her up around Steve'. Minus all their late-night conversations where anything goes, obviously.

"Oh! Oh, no, well, Steve's number and mine are pretty similar I guess, so it's an honest mistake, don't worry about it, oh, and you must not know why I'm answering either way, sorry, it's - "

"Robin Buckley, I know," Carol Perkins huffs warmly. "Steve brought you to my wedding in '06. You're all good, hon."

"Right. Right, sorry, I wasn't sure you'd remember." Robin laughs. "Right, well, with that out of the way, yeah, our numbers are flipped, he's got the '45' at the end where I've got the '54', so you probably just typed it in wrong. I swear, I told that dingus we should just tell people our landline. Even the kids mix it up! Do you - Uh, do you want me to take a message? For him?"

There's an intake of breath from the other side of the line, and a sound sort of like someone's hand hitting their forehead. What did Max call it? A facepalm? Robin fans herself as she sits at the table, her notepad stolen off Family Video from way back when open with a pen poised to write down whatever Carol still wants with Steve in this day and age.

"Oh. Well, um…" At least Carol's clearly feeling as awkward as she is, yay for small mercies. "I guess it's not much of a message? I was gonna message him on Facebook, but it didn't really seem right. For this."

Robin feels a little stone drop into her gut. "For…?"

Carol laughs a little bit, like whatever comes next, she can't believe it herself. "For this, yeah. No easy way to say this, but Tom's gone."

Another stone joins the one in her belly.

"Gone?" Truthfully, Robin doesn't even care, really. Tommy Hagan's just a high school bully in her mind, save for the weird, weird days they've met since becoming (or pretending to be) functional adults. But she knows it's not the same for Steve. Steve will care.

[fantastic-nonsense]

I think a lot about The Bathroom Scene™ and how Kaz's selfless actions towards Inej are contrasted with their discussion about whether he's any different from Pekka, but Chapter 26 as a whole also does a lot to show how much Kaz cares about all of his Crows and not just Inej. He spends a lot of time in that chapter thinking about how he's probably about to die, and yet he does everything in his power to make sure his Crows get out alive.

He specifically zeroes on Inej's safety, of course (because when isn't Kaz focused on her?) but his actions, dialogue, and internal monologue are all entirely centered around how guilty he feels for getting everyone into this mess and how desperate he is to make sure he's the only collateral damage of his own scheme at the end of the day:

Kaz sits down and (more or less) fully explains his entire plan to the Crows instead of keeping them in the dark

Kaz gives Jesper's dad the only protection he's still able to give: his own family's name and reputation

Kaz ruminates on why he called Jesper by his brother's name and implicitly acknowledges that it's because he's scared to recognize Jordie in Jesper (that he's afraid to lose another brother)

Kaz thinks "But they’d landed in a trap, and if he had to chew his paw off to get them out of it, then that was what he would do."

Kaz pays off Inej's contract by liquidating "every asset he had" and explicitly tells her "I don't want you to be beholden to Per Haskell. Or me."

Kaz tells Inej about his emergency money stash and charges her with getting everyone out of the city safely if he doesn't come back from the Slat

Kaz tells her "Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your ship, have your vengeance, carve your name into their bones. But survive this mess I’ve gotten us into."

Kaz leaves on a suicide mission, telling Inej not to follow, because if he's going to die he wants to be the only one in active danger

And of course Kaz had already offered to serve himself up on a silver platter to the stadwatch and give them a way out even before he came up with the auction plan (though we don't get Kaz's point of view of The Clocktower Fight, I suspect it's also why he picked that fight with Jesper: he knew Jesper would never leave him to die unless he made him mad enough to "walk away" for once in his life).

What separates Kaz from other Barrel Bosses like Pekka isn't just that he would never sell a person or con/otherwise harm children. It's that at his lowest, when all the bravado and scheming and masks are stripped away, Kaz chooses to put himself on the line and sacrifice his own safety over putting his people in any more danger than they have to be. Because despite his ruthlessness and casual assholery, Kaz simply doesn't have it in him to watch those he cares about get hurt if he can prevent it. He ended Chapter 26 saying he intended to leave damage behind when he's gone, but also spent the entirety of the Geldrenner chapters spending time and effort and money he didn't have to minimize the damage as much as possible for his friends (his new family) if the worst should happen to him.

So he gives them a safe place to land where the gangs won't find them. He tries to push them away and make them mad enough that they won't grieve him when he dies. He gives them multiple ways out even if none of those options guarantee his own safety. He gives them money and as much safety as he can provide with the whole city out for their blood. He gives Inej her freedom. And he gives them time to rest, recharge, and prepare for whichever plan they end up doing while he goes off to stage a coup he's not sure he'll come back from.

This is all to say: Kaz could never be Pekka, no matter how tough of a game he talks about burning everything to the ground, because Kaz cares too much to ever become Pekka. Even as he continues to pretend not to care about anything but the money, his love for his city and his Crows are baked into every one of his thoughts and actions in those chapters. Unlike Pekka, who flees first Ketterdam and then Kerch entirely when his son is in (percieved) danger, Kaz stays to fight for the city he bent to his will. And unlike Per Haskell, who lets other people do his dirty work and sells out at the first opportunity for glory, Kaz puts himself on the front lines first even when doing so comes at a great cost to himself.

Pekka chases money and power for their own sake. Per Haskell chases money and power for the decadence, glory, and laziness it allows him to get away with. Kaz chases money and power because he knows what it's like to be powerless and wants to, in his own weird way, protect others from suffering his trauma and himself from losing anyone else he cares about. And that's why even at his most unhinged Kaz could never become Pekka Rollins: his quest for power and fame and riches comes from a fundamentally different place. Kaz Brekker doesn't need a reason, but he has at least six at all times during the course of the duology (the Crows+Jordie)...and while those reasons are often filtered through his two primary reasons (revenge for Jordie and Inej's freedom, safety, and happiness), none of them are ever far from his mind.

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

yakou furio's character is so tragic to me. i wanna meme about how they used the fridged wife trope but other than that it's like. he lost his family and later all of his coworkers and just. existed alone for years.

looking at the state the submarine and especially his bedroom was in, with everything being a mess and all the cigarette butts in his bed, yakou was clearly depressed. he wouldn't even take on any interesting cases to fulfill his passion as a detective because he was so afraid of the peacekeepers. instead he just kept his head down. surviving but not actually living.

and then he finally gets some new detectives to work at his agency and the first thing he can do is fail to save most of them from dying horribly. but the five that yakou did manage to save latch onto him and he starts getting into a leader role! even if his new coworkers are all rowdy and get into trouble they still respect him as a leader and look up to him.

the detectives keep picking fights with the peacekeepers that yakou has been trying so hard to dodge. and usually the resolution is kind of messed up because the victims die but the detectives prove themselves capable of handling the peacekeepers! they're helping people! for the first time in a while, yakou comes toe to toe with peacekeepers willingly, to help his new friends. he realizes that he is able to stand up against amaterasu corp, with the help of the others.

but by the time he realizes this, the stage has already been set. the letter from yomi turned his grief into anger and a thirst for vengeance. although yomi gave him the information and opportunity, yakou was ultimately the one who chose to murder the man who murdered his wife.

yakou has already rebuilt his life after his wife's death. the detectives at his agency look up to him and he would do anything for them. it would never be the same as the life he had with his wife but yakou had the chance to turn over a new leaf with a new found family who cares about him.

but instead, yakou plans a murder. he needs to die, over and over, in order to access the man he wants to kill and he accepts it. he needs to trick two kids, who look up to him and who he cares for, into becoming his accomplices to the murder and he accepts it. in the wake of forcing his detectives to witness his murder, he needs leave them in a lab filled with peacekeepers who want to kill them and he accepts it.

and it's not that he doesn't care about his detectives. yuma and halara disobeyed his orders and assaulted several peacekeepers, and he was willing to be arrested himself before throwing his employees under the bus. yuma and fubuki were implicated in terrorism and yakou and the others solve the case for them, then prepare to fight an army of peacekeepers to protect yuma.

for his murder plan, yakou only needs desuhiko and fubuki's powers. but he brings halara and vivia along as well because they would be able to protect the two younger detectives and fight their way out of the lab after yakou dies. he enacts his plan on a day that yuma wasn't around because he won't be able to help fight peacekeepers, so it's better to just keep him out of this mess. he covers up his murder-suicide to protect his detective's feelings, but also because they would be implicated as his accomplices if his plan was revealed.

and yakou probably expected that the other detectives would be fine. if they'd left him behind to die, the other detectives probably would have been able to either fight their way out or hide out in the lab a bit longer and figured out a good plan to escape. if yakou had his way, he would have gotten his revenge and his detectives would have gone home grief-stricken, but unharmed and forever unaware of their roles in his death.

but yakou doesn't account for the fact that the other detectives would try to save his life. yuma doesn't run after the hitman and escape the peacekeepers, he stays behind to beg yomi to help yakou. fubuki uses up all her energy to rewind time to try to prevent yakou's death instead of helping the others escape the lab. halara, vivia, and desuhiko not only have to fight off peacekeepers, but they also have to carry yakou to a hiding spot to give first aid. and instead of calmly planning their next move, everyone is desperate to solve the case so there would be any chance of getting yakou to a hospital as quickly as possible.

one major theme of rain code is that despite tragedies that may have happened in the past, people can work together with those they care about to live a better life in the future. and yakou could have had that. his wife's death should have stayed in the past, and he should have continued to mentor the other detectives, solving mysteries together and enjoying each other's companies.

but yakou couldn't let the past stay in the past. he had every chance to not go through with his murder. he has new people he loves, but he manipulates them and puts them in danger in order to get back at the person who killed the last person he loved. his victory was a pyrrhic one. he got his revenge but in return, he destroyed himself and his detectives' trust in him. he enjoyed his revenge momentarily before dying and leaving his new family, who he used their love and trust for him to his advantage, to pick up the pieces.

yakou furio had lost everything in the past. but in trying to pursue it he destroyed everything he had in the present. that's the tragedy of his character to me.

[haru-chi]

The source of Matoba Seiji's hate for Youkai ?

Lately, I've been thinking alot about this and didn't find anyone actually mention it from where I searched (?)

Seiji has many things going on for him .. (MANY THINGS that I just wanna talk about them all and just cry alot) but today I'll just focus on a little theory I have about this little matter :)

From where do I start I wonder ?

I've always noticed that in the manga especially when Seiji got first introduced, it was emphasized that he hold a certain grudge toward the youkai which's seems personal more than out of his job as an exorcist ..

These lines were on my mind along with some of Seiji's line, about how youkai always take advantages of human's weakness and vulnerability. then I linked alot of things together (my mind love to make me suffer it seems)

Does that mean, perhaps Seiji spoke from experience ? A personal one or because he saw alot of such cases, or maybe both ?

But either way, we never actually saw Seiji letting his guard down or having any weaknesses, not toward the Youkai at least.

You can't picture it right? the fearless merciless and powerful Matoba leader showing a weak side of him <3

But wait ..

Actually he DID show signs of weaknesses and yearing for something if you pay close attention to his reactions, wording or actions (lets not dig deeper into this or I'll break down T^T)

Let's look at the ones that's about our current subject, shall we ?

In his 2nd meeting with Natsume, he was composed and calm the whole discussion except ..

When this line triggered him greatly, that he went so far to prove his point of view in a harsh way for Natsume ..

"They will betray you, maybe you need to go through a bitter experience to understand"

Those lines felt it's about Seiji as much as to prove his point to Natsume ..

But what did happen, who betrayed him ? A "Kind" Youkai ?? Did he thought a Youaki was treating him kindly but then it stabbed his back later on ?? Or did he treat someone kindly but it decived him and took advantage of his kindness ??

Did something ring a bell ? About Seiji saying something like he'd treat someone kindly if he ever gets the chance to ?

Yup, he did say such a thing back in the past when he was a kid, in this part of the story we got two important info about Seiji :

his yearning for a Youkai to make a contract with him but he'll never get to because of his bloodline.

the fact that he's gonna be kind to whoever gonna make a contract with him and fight by his side.

That in itself was his weakness and we already know that this very desire is one of the sources that twisted him and result in the Seiji of today ..

Who took advantage of this desire of his ? It's a Youkai but he can't even make a contract with anyone so .... it's a Youkai that was with him not by contract but a deal or a promise between them mostly ...

Something else ring a bell ?

Do you know who I really think the only one who can take advantage of him and it was clear there's something between them but we really never get to know whatever happened to it afterward ..

The Youkai in the pot!! It's him!! The main reason for Seiji's grudge toward the Youkai!!

What actually happened between them I know not, no more info to go that far with .. but I can't unseen it anymore!!

Especially if we return to something I already posted here, but let look at it from another angle, shall we?

THIS ONE!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN!!!

Natsume's line > focus on the pot > Seiji's triggered reaction

When I first read this story I though this way of putting focus on the pot was to prove Natsume's point of view or for the pot Youkai's shock by Natsume's kindness which changed his opinion later on ..

But what if that was indirect hint by Midorikawa-sensei for the real source of Seiji's deep grudge toward the Youkai ? I can see her doing such a thing that we won't understand until later on ..

So, in short that's what I have in my mind lately and been very deeply hurt and sad by it, so thought I wanna share it and see what people think of it. am I overthinking things again ? does it make no sense ? am I only making myself suffer ? MAYBE I AM BUT HEAR ME OUT!!

Just thinking that Seiji's kindness used against him in an ugly way is just ... he's not someone to show his kindness that easily so thinking that when he did so and openly this happened to him is just aaaaa STOP HURTING MY BOY HE DOESN'T DESRVE THIS !!!!

the fact that even though he was cunning, cautions and levelheaded when he was young, yet actually he was very naive and rash since I also bet no one knew about the Youkai in the pot except Natori who said he never saw that pot again ever since.

I'll shut up and leave it at that since if I keep going, I'll just keep on crying and screaming about this!! IT JUST HURTS ALOT AND BEEN CRYING ABOUT IT EVER SINCE I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS THEORY OF MINE!!!

[yahargulian]

Nightow naming the chapter 'Wolfwood' has always stuck with me, specifically because of the way it makes the chapter end:

We spend a short amount of time at the end of this chapter with the brief belief that Wolfwood might actually be fine. Us, the readers, alongside Vash, are temporarily allowed a moment of denial before reality comes crashing down again.

And then this. Something as simple as the chapter's end notice, here to inform you that no, this is the end. The end of Wolfwood - the chapter and character, both.

[cjskribblez]

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day, and head back to the milky way

Tell me, did Venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find

And did you miss me while you were

Looking for yourself out there?

----

Go read this fic by @slashmagpie and while you're at it play drops of Jupiter on chapter 11 and cry like a baby (like me)

[uselessnocturnal]

i just think- that maybe- perhaps- if i may dare say- please don’t come at me guns ablazing- the pacing for the pjo show could be improved

[zcls]

first kiss, z.cl

synopsis you and chenle have been friends since you could begin to speak; every memory has him attached to it. when he asks you to teach him how to kiss before his first date with the girl of his dreams, although you’ve never kissed anyone before, you agree. after a kiss or two— feelings come to the forefront. genre gn!reader x chenle, childhood friends to lovers!au,  warnings very small angst (?), mentions of comparing oneself to someone else, making out, kissing chenle for the first time! chenle is a bit handsy when it comes to kissing; nothing too serious! word count 2.7k

chenle was utterly infatuated; not with you, but with someone else. you saw it in his eyes whenever he spoke about the girl that he had been talking to for the past three weeks. you saw it in the spring in his step whenever he walked through your door for saturday movie nights that you two had shared every weekend since you were fourteen, and through the way he canceled on you the previous saturday because he was taking her out on an extravagant date. he viewed her as entirely perfect and although you had never met her in person— you started to see her as perfect too.

the problem with seeing her as perfect from all that you heard from your best friend’s point of view lied within the fact that your heart had been in his palms since your first day of freshman year of high school, when he locked his arm with yours, reassuring you that you would be okay; that he would be by your side through it all. his smile was warm, his eyes were a galaxy full of love for you—a friendly love— and stars all combined. you fell right then, and since, you haven’t been able to pick yourself back up; you haven’t been able to fully piece yourself back together.

now, you sit next to chenle as he types on his phone, an adoring smile plastering his visage that you had come to love so much. the hearty chuckle that escaped his heart-shaped lips caused your heart to ache— you only wished you could make him display such emotions. only in your dreams, that’s the only place where you could make him as happy as she did. 

“y/n?” chenle asked, tearing himself away from his phone for a brief second to look over at you, who was shaking unknowingly, from the upset that filled your heart and the thoughts that played throughout your head as if a broken record.

“yes, chenle?” you questioned, turning around to face him. his eyes were still full of that friendly love, but there was a glint of concern that now filled his orbs. your heart ached more at the sight, knowing he could somewhat feel the pain that plagued your heart and filled your every thought. you wondered how he knew you so well; to be able to look at you and instantly know that something was out of the ordinary. 

he knew you like the back of his hand though, truth be told. he knew the way your hands trembled when you were upset and how the movements of your hands changed when you were happy; you would do things softer, in a quicker motion, especially when you wrote in your journal. he knew that your lip quivered when you were about to break down in tears and how your eye twitched when you were angry. he knew everything about you, although you didn’t notice— he always paid attention to you, to everything about you.

he also knew that you hated when others asked about how you were feeling— you hated the intrusion. chenle knew that you’d come to him eventually; that you would explain how you are feeling and why you feel such a way. that was the beauty about your friendship; communication was always there.

so, he was going to ask you the next thing that appeared within his mind. he wanted to know how to kiss— how to give someone a genuine kiss, like how they’re portrayed in movies. he wanted his first kiss with the girl he’d been texting to be absolutely perfect, and you were just the person to go to. you were his best friend; you always helped him in times of need and you were always there with him, no matter what. 

“do you know how to kiss someone?” he questioned, “like, the right way?” he asked, his face seeming full of anxiety. he had never asked anyone such a question and asking the person he’s had by his side since he was just a little boy seemed to make him even more fearful. he tapped his knee, wishing that he didn’t screw anything up within his relationship with you.  

“you don’t know how to kiss her, do you?” you asked, tilting your head to the side, smiling at the boy in front of you whose cheeks were now tainted with crimson.

“i was kinda—,” began the boy, cheeks turning darker at each thought; the pure embarrassment of asking his best friend what was about to escape his champagne colored lips, “wondering if you could show me how to kiss her?”

you nearly choked on your own saliva at his words, heart beating faster and faster each second after. you were at a loss for words. your best friend was asking you, his best friend since the two of you were kids, to teach him how to kiss. hell, you’ve never had your first kiss before. you had no idea what you were supposed to do anyway, so how could you be of help to chenle at all? you felt as if you would only make the situation worse— for both him and your heart.

“you want me to kiss you?” you questioned, now playing softly with the hem of your shirt to distract you from your thoughts. he was all you could think about; from the top of his head where his soft hairs lie to his heels that press him firmly to the ground when he stands. each and every aspect of him filled your mind; it was as if the only thing in the world to exist within your brain was him. for that split moment, you really didn't mind.

"i want to kiss you to test the waters—," chenle said, clearing his throat and looking the other way to avoid any type of awkward eye contact with you, although he knew it wouldn't be that awkward. you were his best friend, after all, you always were there to help him learn new things. "you're my best friend, y/n. it wouldn't be weird at all."

you sighed softly, nodding your head to the boy and seeing his eyes light up with the gleam that you found yourself madly in love with. you saw the entire galaxy within the sole irises of his mahogany orbs and at times, it was almost as if you couldn't pull yourself from staring into them. you were so enamored by the way his eyes showed his emotions when his face didn't need to. each feature about him was perfect, and you wished your brain was merely a camera to capture each moment of him so you could never forget— so he was always there through euphoric memories within your brain when he wasn't in front of you.

without noticing, as you were lost in thought about the boy in front of you, chenle moved himself closer to you so your knees were now touching and you were facing one another. you couldn't help but smile at the goofy look on his face; he always looked so silly when it came to new things, like the time you two went on your first rollercoaster together and held hands the entire way through. he had the silliest of smiles plastered on his visage, but you could see the happiness placed there, too.

in that moment, you realized— chenle was always there for your firsts of something. he was there the first time you ever rode your bike without training wheels, the first time you drove your car with your license. he was there to be your first dance at homecoming your freshman year of high school, and your last during prom when your senior year caught up with you. he was there for you when you got your first pet, and there throughout the nights you sobbed when it left. he was always there to turn to; he was always, without complaint, by your side.

“instead of blabbering on, kiss me already, chenle.” you said finally, trying to loosen the muscles in your body that were tense at the thought of your lips touching. “you won’t learn anything for her if you keep sitting there, you know.”

chuckling at your works, chenle leaned in closer to you, cupping his hands around your face. he smiled softly at you, caressing your cheeks gently with his thumbs. you couldn’t help the swarm of butterflies within your stomach, he was just so beautiful.

from the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs to the way he looks at the things he loves; it was all beautiful. from his head to his feet, from the air above his head to the ground below him— nothing could get any more beautiful than that. you swore that there has never been a being in the world more beautiful—or just as beautiful— as him, and you believed entirely that there would never be enough.

he made you see the world in ways that you would have never seen it before him. the world is certainly not as beautiful as it may seem; as it ranges in beauty and fair ugliness— chenle was surely the true beauty in this cruel, yet, ugly world. no words could possibly describe how truly wonderful he is in your eyes. everything he does, everything he touches— it holds some type of beauty because it has touched him.

the smiles that kisses his lips daily, the reason for light. the laughs that he lets out when he's happy, the reason for happiness. the way he holds your hand when you’re anxious, the way he doesn’t care about what others think of your friendship; the reason to keep trying. the small smiles he gives you when he looks up from his phone and sees you glancing at him; the reason to keep your heart open.

chenle’s lips touched yours, causing you to let out a gasp at his warm touch. his lips were soft and tasted of vanilla, causing you to wonder if he was the one who took your vanilla chapstick from your glovebox. his kiss was an eager one, full of willingness to learn for the girl he liked so very much, and that caused your heart to only become sore at the thought. 

he pulled away and looked at you with warm, comforting eyes that also held worry within them. he pursed his lips. “was that good?” he questioned.

you could only nod in response, quietly hoping that he would kiss you again. you felt your heart beating against your ribcage, and you knew that you wanted his lips connected to yours once more. it was as if you entered your own special heaven with his lips attached to yours and with that; it was a heaven you never wanted to leave.

chenle’s thoughts were preoccupied though, with thoughts of you, and just how right it felt kissing you in that moment. you and chenle—the most exciting bunch around. meeting only at age three at a playground and becoming instantly close, you both felt as if you had known each other your entire life.

you went to parties together, you laughed and cried together; you did everything with one another. he helped you study when you were completely lost, always cheering you on with the you're doing great’s and the occasional you got this!’ speeches.

he helped you when things felt like they were crashing down; he made things stable. he made it feel like things were going to get better, with time, at least. he always reminded you how it was okay to make mistakes and that no matter what, you're human. no amount of failures could make you less of a human; they only make you stronger.

late night's with your hands intertwined watching television, he couldn't help but admire how lovely you are— how lucky he is to call you his best friend. the things you did were always in a platonic manner, seeming how you, of course, were merely silent about love and how you wanted to pursue it. he never knew what you wanted, due to the fact that you never initiated anything with him out of your sheer timidness, which caused him to run and stick with people who he didn’t even want anything romantic with. all that because he was waiting— waiting hopelessly for you.

he realized then that he was in love with you, too— that the looks he gave you weren’t out of concern, but out of love. he realized that the things he wrote in his journal about you, including the songs, weren’t just a phase of a young boy feeling puppy love, but rather a boy who was growing up and feeling the love of the most important person in his life. 

“can i kiss you again?” chenle asked softly, rubbing the back of his neck as the words escaped his lips. his shyness caught your attention, causing your stomach to erupt with butterflies and euphoria.

“of course, chenle,” you began, “you can kiss me again.” you didn’t even have to finish your sentence before his lips were connected to yours once more. but this time, his kiss was filled with more fervor than what it was to begin with. it was as if he was no longer kissing you for practice, but as if he asked to kiss you again to genuinely kiss you. 

your lips molded perfectly together as you kissed, his hands rubbing the outer part of your thighs. you then moved yourself to straddle his lap, having him chuckle against your lips at the movement. you had no idea what you were doing, honestly, there was nothing except passion filling your brain. you wanted to kiss him until you could no longer breathe— you wanted to kiss him until the world ended and you hoped that if it did, you could find a possible way to kiss him again.

as you straddled his lap, his hands found their way underneath your shirt to softly caress your waist. you felt yourself fall more in love with the boy in front of you, whom you were currently making out with. you would have never ever thought you’d be in this position with chenle, your best friend, who you believed was in love with someone else.

you pulled away to look at him, your eyes glimmering with love and lust to kiss him once again. you couldn’t help but think— why were you two in this position? was it because he saw you as someone he could potentially be with, or was it because it was his way of practicing for the girl he was supposed to see in the upcoming days?

“chenle,” you breathed as the boy leaned his forehead to touch yours; a meaningless gesture to some, but you felt your heart swell up. it was romantic, and you couldn’t get enough.

“yeah, baby?” he asked, causing you to feel dizzy at the nickname that he rarely gave you unless you were upset and he was calming you down. 

“was that—,” you begin, catching yourself shaking slightly at the thought of the words that were just about to fall from your lips, “for practice? you know, for your date in a few days?”

chenle only laughed at you, his mellifluous laugh filled the air as you stared back at him. he was so beautiful when he laughed— he always looked as if he was the happiest being alive when he did so, and nothing made you happier than seeing his inexplicable happiness.

“i wouldn’t have kissed you again if it weren’t for you.” he said, now caressing your hips with his thumbs since you didn’t leave your previous position of atop his lap. “i realized halfway through our first kiss that you are the only person i ever want to kiss.”

you felt your cheeks heat up with crimson; “you want to only kiss me?” you inquired, causing the boy to shake his head before leaning down and kissing you again.

“more than you’ll ever know,” he said softly against your lips— leaving your heart in flutters.

you no longer had to worry about chenle and his short-lived relationships with others, because you knew now that his heart was yours, entirely yours. as the tears brimmed your mahogany eyes, you reached for his hand and kissed it gently. with his hand in yours, you sat in a comfortable silence for a moment, adoration filling the air.