#this friendship breakup has cut me deep

[ofstoriesandstardust]

one of the top five wrongs ever committed against me was being invited to the eras tour and then disinvited two weeks before. like this genuinely haunts me still months later. how did i forgive this person and how did i wind up being the villain in their story.

[microclown]

I was rewatching s1e3 and something finally clicked for me..

Please forgive me if this seems obvious to you. It helps me to type out my thoughts, but I'm sure I'm just an idiot and no one else needs this explained to them, lol. That said - I was always slightly confused by the emotional weight of the holy water arc during the flashback sequence. Particularly I was confused by how angry Crowley got when Aziraphale referred to their relationship as fraternizing in the 1862 fight. I mean, "to associate or form a friendship with someone, especially when one is not supposed to" is exactly what they are doing, right? So why the 80 year breakup?

Crowley says he wants the holy water for if "it" all goes pear shaped. The phrasing is necessarily vague, and could mean lots of things. Since I know what he eventually uses it for, I was thinking about it in the context of Armageddon, or maybe more generally and vaguely about Crowley not always choosing to go along with Hell, and associating with Aziraphale. But there was not much reason for Crowley to already be thinking about Armageddon back then.

As we know from the full diary entry Neil posted, the timeline of the Edinburgh entry, and the cut bookshop opening scene, it seems like Crowley and Aziraphale were spending A LOT of time together by the 1800's. When Crowley is pulled back down to Hell in 1827, he learns that Hell is paying more attention to him than he'd previously thought. Crowley realizes at this point that spending so much time with Aziraphale is actively putting him in real danger. He recognizes that, and instead of breaking things off, or seeing Aziraphale less, he doubles down. If this relationship is dangerous, then he wants the tools to fight for it.

That's what I think I didn't get about the holy water request. It's not just general insurance, it's specifically insurance for if Hell finds out about him and Aziraphale. It's also a super vulnerable request because in making it, Crowley is openly acknowledging how important their relationship is to him. Aziraphale casually brings up the arrangement at the beginning of the conversation, and that's part of it, right? Because the whole basis of their relationship is the arrangement. It continues to be the pretense under which they meet, despite the relationship clearly having developed beyond that. And the arrangement, as Crowley proposed it in 537, is born out of convenience, and the assumption that Heaven and Hell would never notice anyway.

Crowley's request for insurance breaks that facade. He's acknowledging that it's not convenient, or safe, but he wants to do it anyway, despite the risk.

Aziraphale, on the other hand, is not ready for the screen to be taken away so abruptly. To make it worse, he assumes Crowley wants the holy water as an escape, rather than a weapon. Suddenly he is confronted with both the danger their association poses, and the idea that Crowley might choose to take his own life. He can't imagine the guilt of being directly responsible for the latter.

I also think the strength of his own emotional response to the thought of losing Crowley catches Aziraphale off guard. He hasn't admitted to himself how much he actually cares, and it scares him. Worrying about Heaven is more comfortable and familiar, so he falls back on that and switches to "If they knew I'd been... fraternizing!"

But bringing up the threat of Heaven reads to Crowley as Aziraphale saying "You may be willing to put yourself at risk for the sake of our relationship, but I am not." The word choice of "fraternizing" comes off as a dismissive and demeaning way to describe a relationship that Crowley just admitted he would risk his life for.

It's an unintentionally deep cut when Crowley is already at his most vulnerable, and so he lashes out. As far as we've seen, this is possibly the first time Crowley has truly lashed out at Aziraphale. So yeah, 80 year breakup makes sense!

And what makes this so much worse is what happens next. Crowley reaches out again in 1941 with a dramatic gesture (rescuing Aziraphale from the Nazis, saving his books). It's clear they've missed each other. They don't discuss the fight, but it's there subtextually. Aziraphale, tentatively and thrillingly, refers to them as friends, for the first time ever. He tells Crowley that he trusts him.

And then, that very same night their worst fears are confirmed. Just when they've finally reconciled a fight over the dangers of their relationship, and just when Aziraphale has finally admitted that it is not a relationship of convenience, but genuine friendship, they are exposed. Crowley is going to face punishment from Hell, explicitly for being Aziraphale's "trusted confident", and he doesn't have insurance. If Aziraphale's trick hadn't succeeded, Crowley would have had no way to protect himself.

idk it just makes me feel things ok

[pomeness]

Yapping about Kainess breakup

Kaiser was at his gentlest with Ness during his breakup and it was so fucked up for him.

Do I think it could've been worse? Yes. Do I still think it's still cruel for him to let Ness go this way? Absolutely.

See, Kaiser has never actually been nice to Ness: he was either mean or neutral towards him, calling him loser since day one (you have a way with words, Michael...).

The only other moment where Kaiser was "gentle" with Ness was in the hair cutting scene. I don't know how authentic Kaiser was being because we miss his pov. My theory about it is that it was some sort of last trial for Ness, to see if he really was the obedient dog that Kaiser spotted months (weeks?) prior.

It was less about trust and more about control. See how much Ness is willing to do for him. I think his first attempt for this was when he asked him to wash his hair in the shower scene. Kaiser was testing how much he could take from Ness without giving anything back.

He never planned to return Ness' "love", because Kaiser himself does Not see that as affection. It's something taken for granted, like the unconditional love you expect your dog to give you even if you neglect it.

Also Kaiser does not see Ness as a person, nor as something valuable. He does not see him "at his level", as a peer. Of course he would never want that type of love. Kaiser would probably feel love only if it's from someone he considers valuable. Someone he's at the same level on his imaginary hyerarchy.

On the other hand, we have Ness. Ness, who has poured his own whole identity into Kaiser. Kaiser is the centre of his world. The reason he is still playing football, his magic.

He's also someone he's projected onto like crazy.

Ness has never heard anything gentle come from Kaiser's mouth until that very moment. And then Kaiser shatters it all in the cruelest way possible.

I think the kindness he reserved to Ness was a vile way to let him down. See, if Kaiser had kept following his malicious pattern, for Ness it would've been easier to cope. But no, he chose to be kind and it's a slap right into Ness' face.

The words Kaiser deliver carry a double message. On one side, he's grateful for Ness, on another he's breaking up their friendship.

From Ness' pov, this is atrocious to witness. Because now what? Ness can be angry at Kaiser, hate him even, but he'd always feel guilty deep down, due to that sparkle of kindness Kaiser has shown to him.

I think I'd convey this sensation better using an example: imagine your (asshole) partner is breaking up with you and they do it by saying "I love what we had and you made me grow as a person, but I don't want you in my life anymore because I found someone else and it's different" or smt like that which makes you feel used. Like Ness gave everything to Kaiser, and Kaiser barely thanked him before moving on. Which leaves Ness with what? Nothing. Exactly. Not even an excuse to explode and be angry because of how "sweet" those words were for him. It's like Kaiser stunned him with a kiss before hitting him with a baseball bat. Like damn just use an axe next time jeez.

I think Ness will DEFINITELY have withdrawal symptoms after their separation is complete. Textbook withdrawal symptoms. Baby boy will struggle a LOT, and the fact he's all alone now? Without any support network? Damn.

Anyway from Kaiser's pov it makes sense and to him it's not even manipulative and he Is actually being kind. This is because, given that he sees Ness as a tool, he is just basically firing him from his job position. Like yeah you served me well but now I don't need you anymore so go serve someone else. Kaiser has no empathy nor shows any guilt and he's never attached himself to Ness as a person. To him it's like changing a pair of shoes, he's like "aw these don't fit anymore... anyway!" before discarding them away.

Is it cruel? Maybe. But given his backstory, his antisocial personality and his narcissistic traits... it makes sense for him to act this way.

((There's much more I could yap about but I'm gonna stop here and maybe make another post.))

[mischas]

What do you think were the biggest missed opportunities when it came to the OC?

Lol my favorite topic (this is not at all exhaustive)

Not letting Marissa verbalize and process her trauma 1000% forever and ever amen. The show learns by the end of s1 that they can keep hurting her without much recompense. Oliver holds a gun to her head and bamboozles grown ass adults yet she shoulders all of the blame in the aftermath. Christ. Her father MOVES AWAY TO BE A BETTER PARENT BC HE CANT STOP SLEEPING WITH HIS EX? Please. How anyone came up with that and thought that was good writing I will never know. Marissa's SA'ed and nearly r**** by her boyfriend's brother and never says the words out loud or processes it because the shooting looms larger. Disgusting. Back in s1 Luke is more apologetic of his affair than Marissa's own mother is and HE'S the one who has to leave town? which leads me to

Getting rid of Luke made no sense. Instead of making Luke/Julie happen they should've had Luke/Marissa 2.0 happen. There was so much there to mine. Sometimes the show acts like they were a nothing relationship and other times like 109 we see they have deep-rooted love/fondness. Rushing RM (though they're my loves) after their 101-108 slow burn shot them in the foot since they were so uncreative later on. But then again TPTB were so reliant on the actors' mirrored personal lives that I'm convinced if they'd put RM off to s2 they would've butchered them thanks to the irl breakup. (This is still so insane)

Getting rid of Anna also made no sense. She was liked by the gen pop, she had good chemistry with everyone! What a damn waste

Seth/Marissa friendship!!!! It is so cute to think Seth is the one boy in Marissa's life that isn't falling all over her. They share the same music tastes, they have the same favorite book, they grew up privileged + depressed, they're neighbors, they're dating each other's besties, their families have a storied closeness, they've dated the same person, etc. It is SO insane how little they actually interact.

Not exploring the Jimmy/Kirsten dynamic more. I rewatched the pilot a few months ago and the hints to their history are so compelling. I remember thinking their tension was good enough to last several seasons. Cutting that out to uphold the sanctity of SK in s1 ended up being for nothing since s2 messed with SK even worse! So why!

Never utilizing Alan Dale well enough. Not only do they kill him for no reason, his death literally does nothing but give us an iconic coda and funeral scene. That's literally it. Having Caleb around while Kirsten goes to rehab is so much more compelling than having her go after he's died. And making us watch Caleb/Lindsay/Ryan for what seems like half a season is so unbelievably boring and ridiculous. Why are we supposed to care. This is taking away from Kirsten/Caleb material! which brings me to

Never giving Kelly Rowan much to do. What a goddamn waste. She absolutely kills her late s2 arc but then she leaves rehab two minutes into 301 and the Charlotte storyline mostly revolves around Julie. Jesus. People talk about the favoritism going on on that set with the younger actors (as they 1000% should and we should do it more), but there was some serious shit going on with elevating Melinda constantly and shafting Tate/Peter/Kelly forever. Especially Kelly. At least she was there and not essentially let go like Tate was (and Tate was a ~big name~ regular from the pilot!). But you can tell Kelly's got some feelings about how the show went for her and her screentime/importance.

Not cutting the Johnny storyline two minutes into filming 304. They had to know Mischa/Ryan D had no chemistry. We're supposed to believe Marissa's having some sort of emotional affair but there is absolutely nothing showing that to us. It's everyone telling Marissa she's got feelings for him, and Mischa doing her job well enough to convince us it's sketchy/complicated, but they have one (1) conversation in 306 that's mostly about Johnny's father or uncle that no one cares about. which brings me to

WE DONT CARE ABOUT GUEST STARS. stop spending so much valuable time on them. we just wanna see our s1 babes being cute and supporting one another that's literally it

[jmagnabo92]

Loyalty of Friendship

Does it still count as WIP Wednesday if I'm posting it? Who knows!

***

When Henry leaves him at broken-hearted at the Lake House, Alex struggles with returning to life before Henry, but he's lucky to have a good support system with very loyal friends.

***

It sucks that Henry ran away just when Alex was ready to jump and hope it wasn’t a cliff, but maybe Alex was the only one in love here. 

It made sense, honestly.

Alex had made it clear what this was, and he never said that he thought of Henry as his boyfriend.  He crossed that line without checking that Henry was in on it with him. 

It still sucked, but it was fair. 

He let himself get in too deep and that’s what he gets.  Everyone always leaves eventually.

June was right, he should’ve told him that he was feeling things … feeling different about everything… now, it’s too late. 

It’d been awkward with his family when they realized Henry had left in the middle of the night without a goodbye.

It’d been worse when Alex returned to the White House and after a week, his mom had Zahra put him back on First Son duties supporting her campaign.  It was like … actually admitting it was over. 

Henry wasn’t coming back.  He wasn’t changing his mind. 

He’d just left.  It opened a wound that cut as deep as his dad’s leaving while he was at camp.  Next to the one that Liam had left when he stopped answering Alex’s messages – at least, Alex understood now – Liam had stopped because he was protecting himself, his own heart. 

And now, Alex has to protect his heart.

So, he went back to work.  Throwing himself into the campaign once again and ignoring the fact that it didn’t make him as happy as it once did – not when returning to the campaign meant losing his boyfriend.  

***

Things slowly got back to normal.  He focused on getting his mom re-elected despite June’s objections.  He put Henry out of his mind, except when he couldn’t.

It was a month or so after the ‘breakup’ when Alex is back in his room at the White House – a two-day break at ‘home’ for the first time since he started working as First Son and the campaign again. 

June’s sitting on his bed, trying to distract him with articles like they used to do when her phone dings.

She glances at it and rolls her eyes but doesn’t bother to answer back.

“Ooooh, who earned that look?” Alex teases. 

“Look, what look?”

“Come on, June.  You looked at that phone like whoever texted you personally offended you.  Like how dare they have the audacity to text you,” Alex states.  “So, who is it?  What did they say?  Do I have to go punch someone?”

“No, no.  It’s no one.”

June shakes her head and moves to hide her phone. 

Alex frowns.  “June, why are you lying to me?”

“Technically, I’m not lying – you don’t have to go punch anyone,” June assures him.

“I also asked you who it was and what they said.”

“It doesn’t matter, and it’s not important.”

“June.” 

June shakes her head and takes a deep breath.  “Fine, it was Pez, and he wants to hang out while he’s in the states.”

Oh. 

For some reason, he knows that he shouldn’t be surprised.  Of course, Pez, who’s been crushing on June since before he met her would want to hang out with her now that he has, in fact, met her.  Only twice, but who’s counting? 

There’s a part of him that doesn’t want her to still be friends with him because that’s a line to Henry and he doesn’t want that connection there, but that wouldn’t be fair.  He wouldn’t want her to stop herself from being friends with someone on his account.

He could… deal with the awkwardness.  He’ll get Henry eventually and just because June’s hanging out with Pez doesn’t mean he and Henry will cross paths or hear about each other, right?

“Oh, well, you should hang out with him if that’s what you want.”

He tries to hide his mixed feelings about it by returning to the speech that he’d been neglecting for the event in Texas.

“Are you kidding me?”  June scoffs.  “Of course, I’m not going to hang out with him.”

He looks up at her, surprised.  He wants to say something about his conflicted emotions, but instead just asks, “Why not?”

“Well, for one, we’re not actually friends,” June states.  “He’s had a crush on me since before we met, and we’ve only met slash hung out twice.  And both of those times were because of you… so for the second reason, it’s the code.  Friendship of loyalty.  My loyalty will always be with you.  Even if it’s been a decade and we’d been hanging out all that time before the breakup, I would still choose you over Henry’s friend.  It’s like with Nora.  We would’ve had to be friendly because of the whole nonsense trio thing but we didn’t have to be best friends – if you two hadn’t worked out being friends, I never would’ve become best friends with her.  I’m always going to be on your side, Alex… plain and simple.”

There’s a warmth that spreads through him.  He doesn’t want to admit it, but there’s a part of him that needed to know that someone was in his corner.  No matter what.

Even if that meant pushing off the chance to build a friendship. 

“June, I – I want to be able to tell you that you don’t have to do that, but… thank you.”

June reaches over and squeezes his hand.  “You’re my itty-bitty baby brother and I’m always going to be on your side.”

“I appreciate that and I’m always on your side, too.”

“That was never a question.”

***

It’s over.

His mom won.

It’s great… so why is he sitting here outside on the steps, staring up at the night sky wondering why he’s not happier.  He should be happy.  Thrilled even.  His mom won.  It’s what he’d been focused on for more than a year. 

A year-long goal and they won.

They even won Texas! 

Alex’s hard work with regards to Texas meant something, but he just…

“You okay, mijo?”

He jumps, but he’s not surprised when he’s joined on the steps by his father. 

“Yeah, just wanted some air.”

“Thought you’d be celebrating with your ma and sister, another term, it’s great, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s everything we wanted… it’s great.”

“That doesn’t sound very happy.”

Alex shrugs, not looking at his dad.  “You know, I’m not naïve enough to think that being in politics doesn’t come with a cost, especially… considering… but there was a part of me that thought it wouldn’t cost me anything until it was me running.”

Oscar laughs causing Alex to look at him. 

“You’re laughing?”

“Alex, you’ve already been paying the price for your ma’s politics for years – ever since she decided to make you and June celebrities.  You paid the price for your ma and I being in politics when we were gone in D.C., when we got divorced, etc… you were made into someone you weren’t – long before she was even elected… you literally decided to lie to the world about your friendship with Henry and then your relationship with him because of politics.  You were hidden away for months, and you’re just the son of a politician.”

He's right. 

“I just – I always wanted to be a politician, but I don’t …”

“You don’t have to be a politician, Alex.  You’re so intelligent that you can do anything you set your mind to,” his dad says.  “And you don’t have to decide that now, you can make your own choice in your own time.  Right now…”

“Right now… I should be celebrating.”

He nods.  “Yeah.”

“Then, let’s do it.”

***

Despite the fact that he should absolutely be happy – his mom won, again – now that the busy-ness of the campaign is over, he can’t help thinking about Henry.  Especially today. 

The day before Thanksgiving.  A year since he first called him in terror over the turkeys that are once again in his room – sometimes he wonders about why he cares about the spending so much that he’s reliving his worst nightmare, but he doesn’t like wasteful spending.

If only he could call Henry, again.  He made him feel better.  Even if there was that teasing flirting, God how had he not realized?

He reaches for his phone.  Just because Henry doesn’t love him, doesn’t mean they can’t be friends, right?

“What are you doing?”

Alex jumps.  June’s standing in his doorway.

“Uh, being terrorized by mom’s stupid turkeys.”

“No… with your phone.  Were you going to call Henry?”

How the hell did she know? 

“Uh, no.”

“Alex,” she says, sternly as she walks towards the bed and joins him.

He rolls his eyes.  There’s no point in lying.

“I just thought – well, it’s been a while… and Nora and I are friends, and Liam and I made up –”

Liam had shown up on election night with his boyfriend.  They’d talked it out, and Liam had admitted that he missed Alex’s friendship, and that he’d only stopped answering because he needed to get over the hurt before he could be his friend again. 

“– and you think that you and Henry could be friends?”

Alex shrugs.  “Well, I mean, clearly, I’m capable of it.  I’m sure he is, too.  It’s even possible that he’d be easier at it since he always thought of us as just friends…”

June frowns.  “Is that what you think?  That he thought of you two as just friends?”

“Well, with benefits.”

“Alex, no.  That’s not true –”

“Of course it is!  I went to tell him I loved him, and he ran away.  Obviously, he didn’t feel the same way.  We were just – having fun.  I should’ve realized.”

“I’ve never met someone be so dense before.”  June rolls her eyes.  “Alex… I don’t know if this will be easier for you to hear or make the end of things harder, but Henry was in love with you, too.  It was written all over his face the first time that I saw you two together.  You know – when he rearranged his business to be here for your birthday.  Remember, I went with you to the Met.  The way he looked at you, then… in LA, God it was like you hung the moon.”

Alex shakes his head.  “You’re wrong.  If he loved me, why would he run away?”

“Because he can’t come out.”

“Of course he can!  He just doesn’t want to…” he trails off. 

He ran away the first time that he kissed Alex and went on a date with a woman because the queen had set him down on his eighteenth birthday and told him that he couldn’t let his deviant desires reflect poorly on the crown…

Oh.

Henry had told him plainly that he couldn’t – couldn’t come out… and Alex was talking about the next summer and making out and not caring about the neighbors seeing…

Alex doesn’t resist putting his face in his hands. 

“Alex?  What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head.  “Bug, I’m such an idiot.  I was over here worrying about mom’s election because Zahra put it into my head that it would cost her the election if Henry and I were caught… but he told me that the stupid Queen sat him down on his eighteenth birthday and told him to hide his deviant desires and essentially throwing him in the closet forever.”

“It’s not your fault that he wasn’t clear with you –”

“He was, though!  He told me and I just – I guess I ignored it.”  He shakes his head.  “It was fine at first because it was my idea – friends with blowjobs – I did that.  I told him that it was all it could be because of … the election… I never thought that I would … until I was suddenly hit with – my feelings.  I built the wall, and I broke it down, and – and I didn’t even think about whether or not he went along with it was because he needed it too!  I just – it’s my fault…”

“No, it’s not.  Stop that nonsense,” June nearly commands.  “Henry has a voice here that he didn’t use.  He loved you, too, and he could’ve told you that you were more than friends with blowjobs –” she rolls her eyes.  “– I’m pretty sure it was never just that, but he could’ve talked to you about why you could never be out and still be with you and chose not to.  He chose to run rather than talk and just because you changed the rules on him by nearly confessing that doesn’t excuse what he did.”

“But he did tell me.”

“I meant when you clearly got closer – texting, calling, emailing – you gave up the campaign for him that is not something that you do for friends with blowjobs and hell, he met dad that weekend, he had have realized what that meant to you.  He had to have felt things becoming more serious… especially when you didn’t take his option to stop so you could go back to the campaign… and all he had to do was say I love you, too, but this has to stay a secret because of the Queen.  All he had to do was tell you or remind you the situation – he didn’t.  That’s not on you.”

Alex shakes his head.  “It doesn’t matter.  That’s not the point.  Understanding doesn’t make a difference here.”

“Then what is the point?  Why were you going to call him?”

“I thought – I am friends with Nora and Liam and it’s stupid, but I miss him.  We didn’t just – we were friends, you know?  Argued over stupid things like how he’s wrong about his favorite Star Wars film and everything else – he understood me, you know?”

“He’s your match,” June says, softly. 

The words hurt because it means he ruined it for them. 

“Right, so – I mean, I’ve done it before… we could go back to being friends,” Alex states.  “So, I thought I’d start with a picture of the turkeys or call him up and tell him that Cornbread has a demon cousin currently living in my bedroom.”

He doesn’t like the look June’s giving him.  Like she’s trying to figure out how to let him down easy. 

“Alex… I don’t think being friends with Henry is a good idea.”

“Why not?  I’m friends with Nora, Liam…”

“You weren’t in love with Nora or Liam.  Hell, you didn’t even know that you were doing anything more than friends do with Liam until recently.”

Alex shrugs.  “It’s not a big difference.  I just have to be a bit careful, but since we live in different countries, it’s not like I really have to control myself in his presence –”

June rolls her eyes.  “This isn’t about whether or not you can control yourself and you know it.  You’ve given him far more than you ever did Nora or Liam and you’re still in love with him…”

“I never said that.”

“You didn���t have to.”

She’s right and he knows it. 

“Okay, well, I can – I’m good at avoiding my feelings.  I’ll put them in a box and ignore them.”

“That’s the dumbest plan I’ve ever heard!  It’s not healthy and I’m not going to let you do it,” June states, plainly.  “Okay, you want to be friends with him some day, that’s fine – today’s not that day.  Take a leaf out of Liam’s book.  You have to wait until you’ve moved on from him and then, maybe, becomes friends again.”

It’s probably for the best, but there was a part of him that was hoping maybe he could intentionally start something again… something more than friendship.  She’s right though, he shouldn’t go there, again.

Alex sighs.  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Aren’t I always?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

***

“Come on, let’s go party!” Nora says as she bursts into his room some day in December where he’s looking at possible jobs that would allow him to do good in the world. 

He glances down and notes that he’s in his underwear since he’s doing this in bed.  “Uh, I’m not dressed to go out – and don’t you knock?”

“You’re wearing just underwear that’s strange since you normally don’t wear any,” Nora says, shrugging.  “And I don’t need to knock – there’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“It doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed privacy or the decency of someone not bursting in on me –”

“Ouch,” Nora states, arms crossed as she sits on the bed across from him.  “What’s up with you?”

Alex shrugs.  “Nothing.  I’m just busy.”

“Don’t lie to me now, Alejandro.”

Alex shakes his head.  “It’s dumb.”

“If it bothers you, it’s not.”

He closes the laptop and tosses it to the side. 

“I just keep thinking that things wouldn’t have changed if Zahra hadn’t burst on us at the DNC.  Then, I never would’ve told mom, and she wouldn’t have fired me and told me that I had to make a choice – find out if I felt a thousand percent about him.  I could’ve kept going… with what we had… with what he wanted… with what we were both happy with.”

“For how long?”

“I – well, what kind of question is that?” Alex questions, confused.  “That’s not the point I was trying to make.”

“I understood what the point was, but here’s the thing – Zahra invaded your privacy and it sucked – but all she ended up doing is make you face what you needed to face: the fact that you two were in love and you needed to talk about it.”

Alex frowns.  “I’m complaining about her invading my privacy.”

“I know.”

“And we can’t say that we needed to talk about it or what would’ve happened, the point is that we know what did happen and –”

“– and while it’s true that Zahra bursting in was wrong… it doesn’t change the fact that eventually you would’ve gotten there with being so in love you could die, and you would’ve ended up here,” Nora states, plainly. 

“You don’t know that –”

“You want the odds?”

It doesn’t matter if he nods or doesn’t because she goes into the odds anyway.  Statistics are her thing, and she goes into them anyway.  At first, he wants to deny her math, but she’s right. 

The odds were never in their favor of working out.

He shakes his head when she stops laying out the different possibilities, all of which ended here.

And he needs to stop holding onto the possibility of what could’ve been and accept what is.  It all sucks, but he appreciates that she reiterates what June’s been saying about loyalty of friendship that no matter what she and June are on his side and all they want to do is help him through this. 

Going out is apparently her way of helping…

“Alright, you win.  Let’s go out.”

Nora brightens.  “Really?”

Alex nods.  “Yeah.  I’m sure.”

“Great.”

***

Fuck. 

It’s been months … months… he’s thought about trying to find someone to sleep with – that had been Nora’s plan when she randomly announced that she was taking him out –, but that wasn’t going to heal his heart. 

Especially when he finds himself leaving his own New Year’s party to walk out to the same damn tree that Henry kissed him under a year before. 

He hadn’t been all that gung-ho to do the party this year, especially since Zahra suggested keeping up appearances with Henry until June shot her down.  He shouldn’t be forced to see him until he’s ready.  The problem is that Alex wants to see him, he wants things to be back to the way things were, but he’s not going to get that.

So, instead, he’s out here in the snow wishing that he could’ve just stopped himself from ruining things by trying to tell him how he felt.  That’s all he really had to do. 

Then, he might still be with Henry.  It might hurt to love him and never tell him.  To pretend that it didn’t mean anything when it did, but at least he’d still have him in his life.

“It gets better, you know?”

Alex doesn’t have to turn to know that it’s Liam.  He and Spencer had come for the party.  It was great to see him, nice to have someone who knows him – not his profile.  An actual friend.  Something he missed when he lost Henry and hadn’t yet made up with Liam.

“Hey, enjoying the party?”

“Missing the host.”

“Technically, June and Nora –”

“I remember the first one – when you came up with it, remember?”

Alex laughs.  It’d been his idea.  He was always the more outgoing of him and June and Nora, despite easily making friends, wasn’t much of a partier until she met him.  His mom hadn’t been thrilled with idea until June re-branded it with the name it goes by every year rather than what they prefer to call it.

“Right, yeah, but technically…”

Liam gives him a look and he shakes his head. 

“Yeah, I just needed some air.”

“Yeah, I figured.  Like I said, it gets easier.”

“When?”

Liam coughs.  “Maybe when you let yourself be willing to let him go.”

“You think I’m not willing?”

“Come on, Al.”

Alex shakes his head.  “I think I feel stuck because as long as I’m here, as long as I’m the first son – I might run into him, again, and if I see him…”

“… then you might start up again?  And that’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Alex nods.  “Yeah.”

“Would it be better, then, if he was here?”

“Maybe.”

It’s quiet for a second before Liam says, “Well, he’s not.  And if you don’t want to be the first son, you don’t have to be.”

“My ma just won another four years.”

“Yeah, but – they stopped you from doing the campaign and ‘first son duties’, which by the way is not required or a thing before your ma took over, just because of who you were dating.  It was like a month or two and it would’ve kept going if he hadn’t run out on you – so figure out what you want to do… and go for it.  If that’s a job – a different campaign or going to back to school – do it.  And if that’s ‘quitting’ being the first son – do it.  Whatever’s best for you.”

Alex looks up at the night sky, thinks back to last few months – losing his job, choosing Henry, getting heartbroken, and being useful, again.  Finding out about why Luna ‘defected’ and realizing that maybe he doesn’t want to work in politics anymore, but he doesn’t know what he wants.

He just wants to do good.  He wants to help people.

He thinks back to sitting the LSAT.  To ideas he has with regards to being a lawyer and helping the disadvantage people that have no one to fight for them.

He’s in the best place to do that. 

“Thanks, Li.”

“Anytime.”

***

After that, Alex threw himself into applying for law schools to start in the fall.  He could go to Georgetown, but he figures he needs to leave the White House.  He also casually found excuses not to do First Son things anymore.  June had helped him find excuses – checking out the law schools he was applying to, visiting his dad, etc.  He’s not sure that Zahra or his mom really believes that, but his mom’s so excited that he decided to go to law school that she’s okay with him essentially quitting first son things except the inauguration. 

Until the State Dinner. 

Zahra had once again suggested that Alex should be there … with Henry.  That their ‘friendship’ was still important because people have written about their friendship and how it suddenly disappeared. 

“What does it matter if mom’s already been re-elected?” Alex asks, when he really wants to ask if Henry was really coming.  He’s not sure what he wants the answer to be.  One side – seeing Henry is what he wants, but on the other – it might be better not to see him. 

“Because it’s still important to have strong ties with the UK, and for the public not to question things.  People are suspicious that you went from spending all that time together to not seeing each other in months…”

“Again, what does it matter?  Who cares what the public thinks?  It’s not like my friendship with Henry ever actually impacted the relationship with the UK – so it would just be fake pictures of us pretending once again.”

“So, we know you can do it.”

Alex looks to his mom for support, but she’s not offering up anything.  Great.

“Fine, whatever.  I guess.”

Maybe this is what he needs…

June, who had been texting on her phone, looks up.  “Actually, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because Henry’s not attending the State Dinner, Bea is, and I will gladly pose for pictures with her, so you can leave Alex out of it.”

Alex looks to her, surprised and relieved.  Had she been texting Bea about it?

Zahra opens her mouth to argue or something, who knows, when his mom says, “That works for me.”

“Good.  Then, we can go.”

June grabs his arm and leads him out of the room and to their own rooms before she speaks, “Just so you know, I haven’t been talking to Bea, either.  She falls under the same loyalty rule as Pez, but I knew that Zahra was going to ambush you about the State Dinner – I overheard her and mom yesterday, so I texted her and asked her if they were really going to send Henry here knowing what happened between you.  She confirmed that Henry had never intended to come and that she had volunteered to come in his place.”

He's relieved and disappointed at the same time.  Sure, he didn’t want to have to face Henry, but at the same time, he misses him.  If he knew that they could talk it out and at least be friends (even though June and Liam both make it clear that he’s not ready to be friends with Henry), then he’d be okay to see him, but he doesn’t know how it would go, so… he’d rather not see him.

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

“Here for you, always.”

“Same.”

***

A couple of weeks later, Alex has spent the last week in NYC so he could do his law school interviews.  He feels better every time he’s away from the White House, and despite knowing his name and his position could be part of the reason he’s gotten these interviews, he can, at least, remember that he worked his ass off in school, completing it in three and a half years while being ‘the first son’ and working various campaigns. 

He's earned his spot.

Or at least that’s what June keeps telling him. 

It’s his last night in town.  His interviews here went great, but all of the Valentine’s Day decorations have him thinking about Henry.  Which… is not that uncommon, but he’s hoping someday that wouldn’t be the case.

For now, he’s sitting in the same seat at the same bar in the same hotel that he was sitting in when Henry showed up at the DNC wishing that he wasn’t drinking alone.

Wishing Henry was here.

“Someone looks lonely, mind if I join you?”

Alex would assume the voice is talking to someone else because people usually don’t approach him, but he knows that voice. 

It’s the voice he’s been wanting to hear for months. 

He looks to his left and sure enough it’s Henry. 

He opens his mouth to say that no, he doesn’t mind, but what comes out is, “What the hell are you doing in New York, Henry?”

Henry laughs and Alex can’t help the smile that comes to his face.  It’s really Henry.

“I, er, I know that I am likely not the person you would want to see after I ghosted you again, but, er, I have been going through some changes in my life and I have something that I needed to tell you and I wanted to do it in person.”

“If you’re here to tell me you’re pregnant, the first question I’m going to ask is how,” Alex jokes because he’s a little nervous at suddenly being in Henry’s presence, again. 

“I’d ask how too, so that’s fair,” Henry says, a slight chuckle.  “Do you mind if we go over there to that table over there for a bit more privacy?”

He’s looking around at the people around them, and yeah, they’re starting to get some looks and it’d be better to go to the standing table a ways away from the bar. 

“Yeah, yeah, we can.”

Henry gets a drink and they both move to the table that seems to have a safe bubble of privacy.  He stands with his back to the wall, and Henry joins him a minute later. 

It’s awkward for a second before Henry speaks.

“I know I don’t deserve a minute of your time for the way that I left you with no explanation, but as I said, I have been thinking a lot about my life and everything that I want for my future and with the support of Bea and my mum (believe it or not) I made a big decision and it’ll be aired tomorrow on BBC an early special for Valentine’s Day – it’s an interview and I got an early copy… I’d like for you to watch it.”

It’s not what he expected when Henry said he wanted to talk in person, but Alex nods as Henry hands him his phone with ear buds.

He spares a look at Henry’s hopeful look before pressing play on the video.

There’s a bit where the host does something for Valentine’s Day, and then introduces Henry.  Alex ignores the fluffy back and forth until…

“So, Your Highness, do you have a love in your life?”

“Well, actually, that’s why I am here.  Why I wanted to have this interview.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, see, I’ve been called the ‘Prince of England’s Hearts’ for years now, pretty much since I became an adult, but I’ve always had a secret and that secret is that I could never love any of those women.  I wish I could have, it would’ve made my life so much easier, but I couldn’t and part of that is because I am gay.”

“Gay?  As in –”

“I am only interested in men.  In fact, I am only interested in one particular man, but before I get into that – erm, I’ve decided to come out today because I spent years in the closet, afraid to come out because I was not sure that I would be supported as a gay prince.  I thought that I had to keep hiding, maybe get married to a woman and figure out how to have children because of certain expectations that come with being a prince.”

He takes a deep breath. 

“I was okay with that because I never thought that I would find a man that loved me as much as I loved him and be able to handle being a prince’s boyfriend.  I knew that if I did find someone that the odds of them being able to understand my life and being able to handle coming out as it wouldn’t be easy would be nigh impossible…”

“And yet, you’re coming out now?  Does that mean that you found someone?”

“I did.  I – it’s a long story, but we met years ago, and I saw him across a crowded room like one of those meet-cute moments in romance novels or romantic comedies, except well, my first thought was that he was this amazing man that was living in a dimension that I couldn’t dream of accessing.  He was free in a way that I never dreamed I could be.  No, I thought if someone liked that ever loved me, it would set me on fire.  So, I had to keep him away from me for my own sanity.  Lo and behold, he didn’t get that memo because it was only in my head and he introduced himself to me, and I – I acted like a complete dunce.  I shook his hand and asked my equerry to, erm, get rid of him.  I was unaware that he heard me, but he did, and it actually started a bit of a rivalry.”

“So then, he isn’t the someone you’ve found?” the host asks, confused.

“Oh, no, he is.  See, we had a bit of a back-and-forth situation where I tried to keep my cool every time we met over the next few years (to make sure that my fancy of him wasn’t obvious), and he thought I was playing along with the rivalry – that I was aloof with him because I thought I was too good to consort with him.  Until, of course, an accident led us to spending some time together where I learned why he seemed to dislike me, I apologized, and we became friends.  This was about a year and half ago, now.”

“So, you’ve been with him for a year and a half?”

Henry shakes his head.  “No, we haven’t.  At first, we were just friends – real friends – we chatted every day about our lives and playfully bicker about things we didn’t agree on.  It was … I thought I loved him when I first met him, but actually getting to know him… I fell so hard so fast, but as far as I knew… he was straight.”

“As far as you knew.  How did you find out otherwise?”

“Well, see, my best friend kept insisting he was flirting with me and there was this party – something happened, and I got jealous, and I kissed him… before fleeing the country.”

“You fled the country?” the host questions, clearly not believing him.

“Oh, yes, and I ghosted him.  I was afraid, I thought I ruined everything.  So, I ran, and I didn’t answer his calls or texts, but then I had to see him again and it turns out – he fancied me, too.  He kissed me and made it clear that I was what he wanted.”

“That’s great, isn’t it?”

“It was great, it was perfect – almost.  Except the fact that we were both pretending that it was just … it wasn’t a fully romantic relationship… hiding it made it seem less like we could fall in love.  I was already in love, and I was okay with that, but we kept growing closer and closer, and I know that he fell in love with me, too.”

The host looks confused.  “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No, it wasn’t.  I never wanted to hurt him, but I could sense that he might be happy hiding for a while, but some day he was going to want to come out and I never thought I could.  So, I broke his heart.  I walked away back in August…”

“And yet, you’re here.”

“Yes, well, as I said, I never thought that I would be able to or want to come out, but I haven’t been able to get him out of my head in the few months, and my mum and sister wanted to help me by helping me set up the Henry Foundation for LGBTQ+ community, specifically some youth centers that I’m going to be in charge of.”

“And that’s why you’ve come here today to talk about the foundation?”

“Not exactly.  I came here today – hoping that he’ll see this, so that I can tell him that I’m sorry.  That I regret walking away, especially because I was misguided in thinking that I could give him up when I love him so much.  That I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but if he’s willing to forgive me – I’m here, now.  I’m out now, and we could be together – if he wants, if he still loves me, if he can forgive me… I’m here and I still love him.”

The host is kind when he says, “I’m sure that with a big apology like this – that he’ll forgive you.”

“I can only hope.”

Alex can see that there’s more than a few minutes of interview left, but he’s seen what Henry wanted him to see. 

He pulls out the earbuds and looks up at Henry uncertain what to say. 

Luckily, Henry speaks first.

“I know that even after all this, after everything I’ve done, that I have no right to ask this, and I expect that you’ll slap me because that’s what I deserve, but as I said, I’m coming out tomorrow – and I’d like to be on a date in Paris on Valentine’s Day with you… if you’ll give me another chance because I love you and I am so sorry for leaving you like that.”

Alex can’t help it when he says, “That’s a bit on the nose, isn’t it?  A first date on Valentine’s Day?”

The fact is – Henry’s confession is overwhelming.  The idea that he was in love with Alex or thought he was, but reacted out of self-preservation because the evil queen had told him that he had to hide who he is, only for Alex to end up pushing through those boundaries for a benefits situation that was never just benefits.  They were both just pretending that was all it was…

Maybe they believed that they had to – because of the election, because of the Queen – they weren’t honest with themselves or with each other, and even if he says yes… it still won’t be easy.  Being out will help or hurt possibly, there’s no way to tell.  It could still be quite difficult…

He’s got another choice here: jump with Henry off a cliff together or walk away once and for all. 

This was their chance to start fresh and on the right foot.  A real relationship. 

If that’s what he wants.

He looks into Henry’s eyes, and he can see that it’s what Henry desperately wants.  He wants Alex to say yes.  To whisk him off to Paris, to be together, again.

Alex wants it, too.

“I – well, yes, I suppose it is,” Henry admits, a flush on his face.  “However, I’ve always been a bit of a romantic and our last visit to Paris was nearly a year ago and … felt different to the first two times…”

“Because we spent the night together, cuddled all night, had breakfast the next morning…” Alex says, thinking of what he’d been thinking the first time – how those things made a relationship and how they couldn’t do those things if they were just having sex.  

“Erm, yes, that makes sense.  Anyways, yes, it is a bit on the nose, but I –”

The rest of what he says is cut off by Alex kissing him.  It’s not as long or passionate as Alex would prefer, largely because they’re in public.  “Yes.  On one condition.”

“Condition?” Henry asks, dazed.  “Anything, name it.”

“You’re not allowed to ghost me, again.  We try this and it doesn’t work – you don’t get to just disappear, we’re going to talk about it and –”

This time he’s cut off with a kiss. 

“Deal.”

“Good.”

Even though they should be aware enough to not make out at a bar out in the open, Henry pushes Alex’s back against the wall, and kisses him passionately. 

It feels just like the first kiss in his room – he swears that he can feel the wind in his hair, which is added by Henry’s hands in his hair.  One of them moves to the base of his skull and tugs, causing Alex to moan. 

Eventually, Henry needs air and leans his forehead against Alex’s.  “Upstairs?”

“Yes.  One thousand percent yes.”

***

They were quick to make it Alex’s hotel room to pack his bag before their plan to get on Henry’s private plane to Paris, but the second the door closes Henry’s lips are on his and frankly, Alex has been wanting this for too long to focus on packing right now.

Henry’s tongue in his mouth and his hands working to undo his clothing is everything he’s been dreaming about for months.  He can’t resist running his hands all over Henry and it’s only needing air that makes him lean back. 

Henry immediately starts kissing his neck, mouthing at that spot on his neck and no doubt leaving a mark, not that Alex cares.  He loves it. 

“You know … that interview … makes it … so obvious,” Alex pants.  Next to Henry’s lips that’s all he can think about.  Even though he knows that Henry wanted him to know that he was apologizing to him despite the fact that he never said who the man he’d fallen in love with actually was. 

Henry pulls back, his eyes are blown, and he looks like he’s not quite wanting to stop, but he knows that Alex’s mind is only half on what he’s doing to him and that’s not enough. 

“That – that was the point,” Henry says, breathlessly.  “I wanted the world to know that you turned my life upside down just by being you… I didn’t want there to be any question on who I was in love with.”

There’s a warmth that spreads through him at those words. 

“Good.  That’s – good.”

Henry sits on the bed in just his boxers, and pulls Alex into his lap, which prompts them to fall back on the bed with Alex on top. 

He kisses Henry, lightly, before pulling back.  “I – just, why now?  Why not months ago?  I can’t imagine Bea letting you wallow for too long.”

“Well, I – at first, I really thought it was for the best…”

“Because the Evil Queen told you that you couldn’t be gay?”

Henry laughs.  “The Evil Queen?”

“Fitting, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.”  He shakes his head.  “Anyway, erm, yes.  That part is the problem.  I never could come out without the Queen’s acceptance.  Unless someone outed me and even then, I wouldn’t put it passed her to pretend it was faked evidence or something.  If she could get away with it.”

“She probably could.”

Henry nods.  “So, I was prepared to give you up – I didn’t want to put you through that.  Until Bea finally got tired of my whining and immediately came up with a plan to make me happier.  The plan involved getting mum to be a mum and er, I told her – everything.  She decided to take on the Evil Queen – we don’t need to go into the details of that with you naked on top of me – speaking of… why aren’t you wearing underwear?”

Alex chuckles and grinds down, the only fabric between them being Henry’s boxers.  “I go commando a lot, but I suppose that means she finally won, and you decided a public declaration of your love was in order to win me back?”

Henry flushes.  “I was hoping it wouldn’t be too hard.  Thought maybe you’d be easy for me, what with the way things started between us.”

He’s not wrong.  Alex is far too easy when it comes Henry.  The fact that he’s here, naked, after everything speaks volumes.  As does the fact that he’s perfectly happy to stop talking just to have his way with Henry. 

Henry appears to know what Alex wants without him needing to say it because he flips them and starts kissing Alex passionately. 

It’s everything that he’s been dreaming of since Henry left him in a lurch and honestly… he couldn’t be happier.

***

Although the original plan had been to pack Alex’s bag and get on the plane, they both decided that the plane could wait and decided to spend the evening/early morning catching up on everything they missed and talking things out because Alex did not like the way Henry left him.  He wanted to make sure that he’d never wake up again with Henry having left in the middle of the night.

They’d fallen asleep somewhere around 3AM, and unfortunately didn’t get to sleep long because Alex’s phone goes off at dawn.  It’s not an alarm and he’s unfortunately aware that it’s his Zahra ringtone. 

“Ten bucks says she saw your interview and somehow thinks I should deny that we’re together or at least, used to be,” Alex groans. 

He knows without even answering the phone that Zahra’s going to react the exact same way she did at the DNC, and he hates it.  He was so worried about the campaign that it took Henry leaving and his mom winning again for him to realize that his relationship would’ve never had any impact on the presidency.

The phone stops ringing and he briefly considers just rolling over into the comfort of Henry’s arms before it starts again.  It’s way too early for this, so he declines the call and immediately gets a text.

What the hell do you think you’re doing with the Prince, you little shit? 

Attached is a link to the BBC interview right at the end where the interviewer speaks live, next to him is a video of the previous night where Henry approaches Alex and all the way through their make out session before going upstairs. 

Well, at least there’s no denying it.

“Well, if there was any question before on who Prince Henry fell in love with and came here to apologize to, it’s a question no more.  This video of the Prince and the First Son from the early hours of this morning clearly answer the question – it was none other than Alex Claremont-Diaz, the First Son of the United States and one-half of what you used to call the best bromance of the year… perhaps we were easily fooled, what do you think, Lou?”

“I think the situation between the two over the years suddenly makes sense and that we should wish the two nothing, but happiness.”

“I concur, and I’m actually thrilled that I was right about the mystery man in question.  Given the clues, it was obviously the First Son that had stolen the Prince of England’s Hearts’ heart.”

“Yes, and clearly, the Prince has been forgiven – just in time for Valentine’s Day!”

There’s clearly more to the discussion, but Alex leaves it.  “Well, I think that’s a good sign.”

“I agree,” Henry offers, kissing his cheek.  “Although I hadn’t meant to out you.”

“You just wanted to make it obvious that you fell in love me,” Alex grins.  “How could that not out me?”

Henry opens his mouth – probably to apologize – but Alex cuts him off with a kiss pushing him on his back and straddling him as he does.  “I don’t care as long as we’re together.”

Henry grins up at him.  “That’s all well and good because there’s certainly nothing I’d want to do about it now, especially if I’m getting to enjoy the sight of my naked boyfriend on top of me.”

Rather than answer, Alex starts kissing him passionately, letting his hand snake between them to jerk them off together when his phone rings – this time June’s ringtone.

“You should… probably … get that,” Henry pants when Alex leans just a bit away to glare at the offending phone.

“Nah, they know I’m with you so… they should leave us alone.”

The phone falls silent and Alex resumes his task, only to be annoyed a second time by it going off again. 

Frustrated, Alex answers the phone with, “I’m little busy here –”

“Doing Henry?”

“As a matter of fact –”

“I was kidding, I do not want to hear about that,” June cuts in.  “You need to stop what you’re doing and get dressed because I convinced mom to at least conference you in rather than storm your hotel and force you to come back and you should not be naked for that.”

“Why do I have to do it at all?” Alex complains.  “Henry’s out, I’m out and we’re living happily ever after, who cares?”

“Apparently, it’s still something they feel they need to ‘address appropriately’ and ‘handle this presidency-ruining secret’.”

“What the fuck, June?  You don’t really think that, do you?”

“No, of course not,” she assures him.  “But I didn’t think you’d want a repeat of the DNC.”

He glances at Henry, who’s violently shaking his head, and sighs, “Fine.  We’ll be dressed and call in a few minutes.”

“Good,” she says, sounding pleased.  “And Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m happy for you, but I’m still going to give Henry a shovel talk for how he left you.”

She hangs up before he can possibly respond, and he smiles down at Henry, who’s blushing.

“I suppose that I deserve all of the shovel talks that your family wants to give me.  I’m so sorry that I –”

“Hey, it’s okay, honestly.  It’s partially on me, too.  We both share some of the blame for not talking about when our relationship went from fuck buddies to an actual relationship.”

He gives him a light kiss before getting off of him.  “We better get dressed before the meeting – I do not need another nightmare of people bursting in on us (and I haven’t forgiven her for the last time).”

“Good because that was highly unprofessional.  Shaan would’ve never done such a thing.”

“Yeah, true.”

***

The meeting is completely ridiculous.  From Zahra berating them for kissing in public (“you never said anything when it was ‘America’s sweethearts’,” Alex complained) to suggesting that they somehow hide it (“seriously, ma, we were making out in public and even if we could somehow rewind that and erase that evidence, Henry’s whole thing made it really obvious it was me”) and finally landing on “you could’ve at least warned us” (“right because you haven’t know for months that if I ever saw Henry again, I’d run into his arms like one of those romantic reunions in rom coms” – this had caused June, Nora and Henry to burst out laughing ruining the seriousness of the conversation).

It finally ended with, “You should, at least, come home and make a speech addressing the situation.”

Alex laughs, openly.  “No.”

“No?”

“No, it’s not happening.  My love life has no bearing on your presidency, it’s not like I’m the president and he’s the king, he’s literally fourth in line (unlikely to ever be king) and in four years, I won’t even be the figure head of ‘First Son’ ‘cause you won’t be the president anymore.  So, no – no speech, no press address.  Henry and I have essentially come out – it’s pretty clear that we’re in love and he’s taking me to Paris, so… we can’t really stop by the White House.”

“Alex, I don’t think you understand –”

“No, Ma, I don’t think you understand even if we wanted to – which we don’t – we can’t put the genie back in the bottle and it’s not the public’s right to know anything about our love life.  We have the right to privacy and you’re trying to capitalize on our relationship and for what?  Your numbers?  I don’t think that that matters at all anymore.  If we don’t make it a big deal of it, it’ll just be a thing that fades in the background.  Which is exactly what we deserve… to love in peace.  We already let ourselves suffer because of our roles in the world, and we’re not about to keep doing that.”

“I’m not asking you to suffer…”

“But you are asking us to make this a big deal when it shouldn’t be…”

“It is a big deal –”

“No, it’s not.  We’re happy, we’re together and you know what?  It’s no one’s business, but ours!  So, that’s it.  Goodbye.”

He ends the video call and turns to Henry.  “I know we’re still exhausted, but I really want to get on a plane before they try and stop us.”

“Anything for you, love.”

“Good.”

***

Months later, Alex and Henry are having a housewarming in Texas.  Alex had decided on going to UT Austin for his law degree and Henry had decided to use his foundation to help queer youth in Texas.  Of course, it would take time, which is why they’d bought a house with lots of land (and a guest house for their security) to give them the chance to be happy and in love and at peace.

While his mom hadn’t been happy that he hadn’t wanted to make some grand speech about his love for Henry, the fact that he went from Paris to London and stayed with Henry for nearly six weeks until the press chilled out by moving on to something else (and his birthday had passed), made her realize that he’s an adult that can make his own choices.

He had gotten his acceptances and he and Henry had made their decision about Texas in that time, which meant finding a place and getting happily ever after.

He had briefly worried on seeing Pez and Bea that they’d be upset that June and Nora hadn’t been in contact due their loyalty with him, but Bea had said that it was the same reason that she hadn’t gotten into contact either.  Pez, on the other hand, had laughed and said he’d been testing them.

“Testing them?”

“It’s important that we have a boundary, Alexander.  It’s important that you know that you can always rely on them.  I knew that someday you and our dear Henry would end up happily ever after, but I wanted you to know that you have the same loyalty of friendship that Bea and I have with Henry.  It should be a requirement that the people closest to you will always be on your side.  Because you and Henry may have fights and you’ll need support to get through it – to vent without worrying the other half will hear.  We can all be friends, but we should all remember that there are lines when there needs to be.”

“So, you would’ve been disappointed, then?”

“Oh, absolutely.  Don’t worry, dear, I was merely helping you.”

At that, Alex threw a pillow at him.  “Even though I do like the assurance, it’s not your job to test my sister and best friend.  I never expected them to keep that line open even if I told them they could because I know that they’ll always have my back.”

Pez grinned.  “And there lies your test.  You pass.”

It devolved into a pillow fight, but the end result was that everything worked out and they could have gatherings at their new house without fear that it would be awkward.

Alex finishes straightening the banner for the party as Henry comes out laughing at him.  “Do we really need a banner?”

“Yes, yes we do,” Alex assures him from his chair.  “It’s our housewarming, it’s gotta be perfect.”

Henry helps him down and pulls him close.  “It is perfect because it’s with you.”

“You’re such a Prince Charming.”  He’s grinning up at him, so happy and content and ready for this next chapter of their lives.

“Does that make you Cinderella?” Henry teases, as the door rings. 

“Only in that I finally get a happily ever after with Prince Charming.”  Alex gives him a quick kiss.  “Now, come on, Prince Charming, we’ve got a housewarming to celebrate.”

Alex pulls him towards the door as Henry says, “Then, here’s to happily ever after.”

“Cheers to that.”

***

Thanks for reading :)

[desceros]

Hi!

So, if you don't mind me asking, what's the meaning behind Symphony 25's chapter title?

i don't mind. that said, i'm going to put it under a cut because 1. it's a longer analysis and 2. i'm heavy on death of the author and like people to interpret things in their own ways, so i'm going to have this be an "optional" bit of meta. it's word of god, but whatever that means to you as a reader of my fics is your choice.

the chapter title for 25 is mr.kitty's "hollow." as i've said before, sometimes the chapter songs are by mood, sometimes it's because the song itself appears in the fic, and sometimes it's for the lyrics. this is a case of the latter.

so it's a song largely from alopex's point of view, though some of them are viola-chan about her. i'll go by the different parts and extract their meanings as i interpret them.

When hearts collide The blood will flow To end the pain I'll let you go

alopex and viola-chan ended their relationship after a fight, including actual physical violence in one instance that, while not intentional, did cause physical harm (the blood will flow). this passage refers to viola-chan deciding to bury her feelings about alopex down deep (to end the pain/i'll let you go) but also to alopex deciding to end the relationship so that the pain of being with someone who makes her feel inferior can stop.

How is it I know Where you've gone for so long?

this in my head is alopex watching viola-chan in her performances and being close enough to see, but not close enough to reach back out. it's closely paired with the following line:

Hollow is my ghost That will haunt what you've done

which is appropriate both for alopex's impact on viola-chan's life (affecting how she interacts with people, how she isolates herself, how she approaches romance with donnie and friendship with leo); but also viola-chan's ghost haunting alopex. to what degree she's processed what she did to viola-chan, how much blame she takes, how apologetic she really is is not yet clear in the fic. but what is clear, i hope, is that she is far from free of guilt. she is, in a manner of speaking, haunted by viola-chan.

the two lines repeat over and over and over again through the song and form the chorus. it's for this reason that it feels so crucial to alopex's character; over and over and over she thinks about viola-chan, their relationship, and what to do about it. in-text, viola-chan is referred to as "The Ex." not an ex. the. this is because of the incredible impact viola-chan has had on alopex's life, and her current relationship with sinclair. i imagine she and sinclair would have talked about the ramifications of the breakup thoroughly, which, in a way, allowed alopex to process things in a way viola-chan has never been able to do.

(what affect that has had on the way she sees her relationship with viola-chan will be explored in-text in future chapters. heehee.)

Into the light We'll rust to dust Clarity feels As clear as us

clarity feels as clear to us as dust. the light rusts. lines that indicate that although truth is sought, it is neither found nor healing. this speaks to the way that viola-chan receives alopex's side of the story... but it feels incomplete. there isn't a lot of emotional catharsis from it.

but also, the same is true of alopex. we see in-text that she's troubled by viola-chan's lack of response. what was she seeking? it's not clear yet in-text, but it is clear that she was looking for something and didn't get it.

so yeah! that's the meta on the chapter song. as i said, i always like seeing what other people think, and you're totally open to disagree or interpret things differently. :D

[hp-bodiceripper]

ANONYMOUS MASTERLIST

Thank you all! All you magnificent creators, wonderful prompters, thoughtful commenters, generous kudos givers and rebloggers, everyone who’s been supportive and enthusiastic about this fest. Join us in celebrating our romantic, swoon worthy and steamy creations.

Reveals will happen in a week! You have until the 20th to catch up and take part in our Guessing Game.

Under the cut you find all our 2023 entries: 8 stories, 6 artworks and 2 podfics.

🖋 Fic

collarbones like a bow, skin an arrow to the heart

(Pansy Parkinson/Ginny Weasley, E, 4k) Gin’s adjusting the lighting for their next shoot when in walks the new model Luna was so enthusiastic about, and that’s when they know they’re in deep shit.

Cool About It

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, M, 16k) Harry is so excited for his first date with Draco. But what follows isn't so much a date as it is an all-night odyssey including a malevolent lift, a Gringotts heist, a Sleeping Curse, a trip to the kebab shop, a lack of dancing, a Muggle drug, a rooftop pool party, a black eye and, eventually, a sunrise over a Quidditch stadium.

Love Me Meow

(Arabella Fig/Minerva McGonagall, E, 2.5k) After the students leave for the summer, Headmaster McGonagall and the new Muggle Studies professor have a chance and sensuous encounter at the beach.

Nature pricks them on to ramp and rage

(Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, E, 21k) Lord Draco Malfoy may be a young man spending time in Dumbledore’s summer court, but that does not mean he needs to succumb to its licentious frivolity. He carries the burden of his lineage, the shadow of rumours, and the dignity of his betrothal to a good match. He is certainly not fool enough to be distracted by the dark curls and ready grin of the court’s stableboy, who seems to have taken up with every courtier who looks his way.

The Real Thing

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, M, 5k) Harry only means to cheer Draco up after a terrible breakup. He doesn't mean to fall in love.

this is how we become timeless

(Narcissa Malfoy/Lily Evans, T, 10k) Narcissa is in eternal servitude to the Dark Lord, bound by the tears of a burned-down phoenix. Lily belongs to the Order, bound by the tears of the same creature. They’re the only two people in the world in the position of time turners, tasked with teetering the outcome of the ongoing war into their respective side’s favor. They are light years away, yet they’ve never been closer.

Wild Horses (couldn't drag me away)

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, E, 36k) Koi no Yokan (Japanese) - The feeling of excitement you get when you first meet someone and know that you will eventually fall in love with them. A more realistic version of ‘love at first sight’, it roughly translates to ‘premonition of love’. A story of magic, horses, magical horses, and two men who fight all odds to find their way to each other.

Yesterday

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, T, 10k) Harry doesn’t intentionally kidnap Draco Malfoy. Really it’s debatable if you can even call it kidnapping but the git surely seems to think so.

🎨 Art

Harry And Draco Wearing Kilts

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, G, digital art) Our favourite wizards, dressed in traditional Scottish attire.

I Bloom Pink For You

(Narcissa Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson, M, craft) Pansy has been starved for love her whole life. All she needs is someone who will give her the approval she craves. An origami comic inspired by Schmem_14's fic.

Joy Exposed

(Fleur Delacour/Ginny Weasley, G, Digital art) Ginny and Fleur give an interview for Daily Prophet’s new Weekend Magazine and spend hours doing an accompanying photoshoot. When it comes to approving the selection of photos for print, they unanimously choose the candid one taken on their break, rather than all the styled and posed images.

Monday Murder Club

(Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Lavender Brown/Padma Patil, T, Digital art) The members of a crime-solving club find love and friendship amidst the blood.

The Professor's Passion

(Narcissa Black Malfoy/Hermione Granger, G, Digital art) Hermione is a professor and Gryffindor head of house. She loves her job... until Narcissa Malfoy is hired on the school's faculty, and is now head of Slytherin. God, that woman is insufferable. Hermione despises her so much she can hardly think about anything else. (She must hate her... that's why she always feels so hot and bothered when she's around, right? And does she have to be so damn beautiful?)

You Pierce My Soul

(Harry/Draco, M, digital art) Harry's eyes were on him almost as soon as Draco entered the ballroom. It was as if he'd been watching the door, and now Harry's eyes were wide and his mouth open.

🎵 Podfic

Masks Off

(Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, Teen, 3h 15 min) Draco had followed his parents to this Caribbean island as a matter of course, even though no one had told him what they were doing here or why his father’s ships were frequently attacked by masked pirates. And, honestly, Draco’d had no intention of actually finding out either.

wasps and honey by swoons

(Hermione Granger/Narcissa Malfoy, M, 1 - 1,5 hours) After ten years on parole in the Muggle world, newly widowed Narcissa Black is finally allowed to do magic again — as long as she can complete all the spells on the Ministry course list. Her Ministry of Magic representative? Hermione Granger.

Come play our Guessing Game!

[riikive]

LOVESONG ⌕ CHAPTER 01

masterlist

warning. anxiety attacks, negativity, etc.

Looking around the street, you would see a female who was feeling anxious. She was shivering, her hands were shaking. "You will be okay," she told herself. Taking deep breaths even though it didn't help, not even a little. She gulped nervously, hoping the anxiety would go away soon or maybe later. She was in the middle of the sidewalk, sitting down, plugging her ears as she heard people whisper to their family or friends or significant other or anyone.

Probably about her, nobody would help her just walk by or even stare at her. She cuddled up to her knees, and tears were falling. Her bag was on the floor, and the supplies were scattered around her.

Everyone could see her horrible drawings and paintings. "Sorry－oh my goodness!" Footsteps were running towards her. The person dropped their things and hugged her. "It's okay, it's okay, everything will be okay, I am here now." She felt warmth from the words and the hug. Looking up with tears in her eyes, she saw her best friend. "Taehyun?" She choked out.

rest under cut

Her friend smiled and nodded. "That's me," he said. She quickly hugged him with tears falling. He doesn't care if his shoulder is wet from the tears. He gently patted and comforted her while glaring at everyone around them who didn’t do anything to the poor female. "I'm scared," she cried.

"I'm here now. Do you want to go home?" He asked her. She shook her head. "But what about your shopping?" She asked her. He smiled while still hugging her. She was still selfless even despite her problems. She worries about others instead of herself. "It's okay, I can do it another day or something. It's not important at the moment."

He looked at her and wiped her tears. She smiled. "I'm sorry for ruining your shopping," she muttered. He gently stroked her hair. "You don't need to be sorry. Things like this happen a lot," he reassured her. She still felt guilty for ruining it.

He picked up her things before turning around, his back to face her. "Come, let's go home." She got on his back, then he carefully got home after picking up her bag and his own. Carefully hugging him, but making sure she wasn't suffocating him from behind. Once they reached their apartment, Taehyun punched in the passcode while his friend was still on his back. She was asleep from crying and shaking a lot. Once the door was unlocked, he opened the door and saw his partner in the living room. His partner looked at them and softened when looking at his friend on his boyfriend's back.

"What happened?" His partner asked him. Taehyun looked behind him and then back at his partner. "She has another anxiety attack," he said. His partner smiled and got up from the couch. He patted gently on her hair. "She is cute," his partner bluntly said.

"Yes, she is, but you are cuter." His partner blushed, carefully hitting his arm, not wanting him to let go of her. "Stop it." Taehyun laughed silently and kissed his partner's lips. "I'm going to bring her to her bedroom." His partner nodded before he went to her bedroom.

After making sure, she is warm in her bed. He kissed her forehead before leaving her alone. Taehyun came out of her bedroom with a sigh. His partner went up to him as he closed her door. "So, do you know what caused her anxiety attack?" Her partner asked him. He shook his head.

Taehyun met his partner in his first year of high school. They were one year apart and have been together since then. His partner was okay with him being affectionate towards his best friend. He doesn't mind it at all since he knows her and his lover. "No, but I think it got worse when people were looking at her." He said. His partner nodded. "Miyeong has been through a lot, hasn't she?"

"Yeah, she has been through a lot. A lot of friendship breakups, fights, parents fighting, etc," Taehyun said while holding his partner's hand. "I am not trying to be overprotective, just worried about her." His partner kissed his lips. "Me too. Let's take care of her until she finds someone who will love her in and out." Miyeong woke up from her little nap. She let her eyes adjust. Realizing she was in her bedroom, she sat up and winced in pain, a headache from all the crying and shaking, she assumed. Feeling a bit relaxed, she got up from her bed and grabbed a cardigan from her chair. Noticing it was 3:30 in the evening. She missed lunchtime.

With a sigh, she put on the cardigan and grabbed her bag off the desk. She went out of her bedroom. She saw Taehyun and his partner sleeping on the couch. She smiled at them. What a cute couple. She carefully put a blanket on them before sneaking out of the apartment. Once she successfully sneaked out, she went to her favorite cafe and sat at her usual spot before finishing her sketch that was due tomorrow.

Feeling herself shaking, she cursed. "Not again," she grabbed a water bottle from her bag and drank all of the water inside. It didn't help at all, even though it usually does. Taking deep breaths and closing her eyes, at her phone to see Taehyun was calling her. Calming down, not wanting to make it obvious, she answered the call. "Hello－." "Where are you?" He interpreted her. "I'm fine," she said while looking at her hands and feet, which were still shaking. She heard a sigh from the other side. "I will be there, don't move." "But－." The call ended before she could finish her sentence. Cursing at her phone while trying to think of something positive so her anxiety attack won't escalate.

You're so ugly!

You are a disappointment!

You are a monster!

You are useless!

You can't do anything right!

I hate myself!

"Stop!" She screamed with tears falling. Accidentally knocking off her water empty bottle. Her eyesight was blurry. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her. "Great, now everyone is looking at me," she told her. She felt like she was in a car that was driving past its speed limit. Remembering her father driving recklessly and almost causing an accident when she was in her first year of high school. She almost died that day. That's how she was feeling right now. Closing her eyes and trying to take deep breaths. She heard muffled sounds.

She felt useless, then suddenly she was in the arms of someone. The perfume or cologne was familiar. Realizing it was Taehyun, she felt safe as tears fell down her cheeks.

Feeling so stupid at the moment. Taehyun was comforting her. He was also talking to some people who wanted to help. "Excuse me, does she need some water or something?" He smiled, looking at the empty water before answering, "Water would be nice." The person nodded and went to the counter to order water. He looked at her and felt she was still shaking due to her attack.

He picked up his phone to call his partner. "Beomgyu, could you drive to the usual cafe she always goes to? I don't think she is stable enough for me to piggyback her."

"Sure, I will be there in a minute." The call ended, and now Taehyun was focused on Miyeong. He saw the person come back with water and candy. "I also have anxiety, and candy helps me. I hope it helps her too," They said with a smile. He smiled back. "Thank you." He politely took it in his hand while the other was hugging her. "My name is Kim Sunoo, by the way," he said with a bow before walking away from the two friends.

Taehyun unwrapped the candy and put it closer to her mouth. He gently tapped on her shoulders. Miyeong opened her eyes. "Here, a nice man gave this to you for your anxiety." Her hands were still shaking, so she let him feed her the candy. It helped her calm down a bit, so she drank a bit of the water. Beomgyu finally came rushing into the cafe and sighed in relief when he saw them.

He saw Beomgyu and smiled. He looked at Miyeong. "Can you walk?" He asked her while signaling his partner to come. She got up. Caughting herself before she fell. Her friends shook their heads. Taehyun made her sit back before picking up her bridal style. He felt her legs were still shaking when he picked her up. Her eyes widened from the sudden action. "Hey, I can walk!" He shook his head. "No, you can't. You are still shaking."

"But won't Beomgyu be jealous?" She asked him before looking at Beomgyu, who isn't jealous even one little bit. He was smiling at her. "I'm not jealous and never will be." Miyeong was kind of in shock and confused. She knew anyone would be jealous if their partner did the same thing that her best friend did. "How?" She asked him in confusion.

"You can say I am not the type that gets jealous easily when it comes to you," Beomgyu winked. Miyeong was even more astonished. "Why does this feel like a throuple or something?" She mumbled. "It can be," Beomgyu suddenly said. She was speechless looking at him like he said something illegal. Taehyun was just focusing on walking to the car and not dropping off his friend. He heard the conversation that the two were having but not joining in.

Once they made it to the car, Beomgyu opened the back door so Taehyun could put Miyeong in the car without any trouble. Then he went to the driver while his partner went to the passenger side. She quickly put on her seatbelt with her not so shaking hands. "We are going to the hospital before going home," her friend spoke.

"But-" "No buts." She sighed and looked out of the window. She felt like a burden to her two friends. She went to dig her own grave. Beomgyu looked behind and saw her lost in thoughts. "Mi." She snapped out of her thoughts. "Yes, Beomgyu?" "If you are thinking that you are burdensome, you aren't." Miyeong just nodded before looking back through the window.

Once they arrived at the hospital, she was filling out some papers while Taehyun filled out the others. She has to be submitted to the hospital since her anxiety attacks are getting worse, and she needs some help. Beomgyu was just on his phone. "Cheong Miyeong!" The nurse called. She gave her half-finished papers to her other friend, who was on his phone before going with the nurse. Entering her doctor's office, she gulped nervously. Her doctor greeted her with a smile. "Good evening, Miyeong-ah."

"Good evening, Doctor Anh," she smiled back. The doctor looked at her computer. "So how bad is your anxiety attack?" She looked down. "It happens every day now twice and sometimes more each day." The doctor nodded. "You will be staying in the hospital and won't be admitted to the mental hospital since the last time you went. You almost have a heart attack." Miyeong nodded.

"You will go to therapy again twice a day. One in the morning and another in the afternoon when you are staying here." Again, she just nodded. "Any questions?" She shook her head. The doctor patted her back. "You will be okay." Miyeong smiled at her doctor before leaving the office. She sighed and went back to her friends. Taehyun and Beomgyu have already finished the papers. They saw her and gave her a warm hug. She felt safe in their arms. They broke the hug.

"Miyeong, come, let's get you in your room." The nurse came to her. She nodded before turning around to her friends. "Both of you, don't miss me, and don't go crazy," she smiled. Beomgyu was slightly blushed when she said the last part. "Yeah, yeah, now go. We will visit when we can," Taehyun said. She smiled before following the nurse to the room.

© 2023 — all rights reserved to user rikive, please do not steal, plagiarise, or translate any of my work without prior permission from me !

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permanent taglist. @flowerbe0m (pls send an ask if you want to be in the taglist!)

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

okayokayokay. for the shipping asks. it is my moral duty to ask you about feenris <3 (and also krisnix if you want to do two of them)

HELLO, KATE, MY DEAREST FAVOURITEST PERSON 💖💘💗💝💓💝♥️♥️💓💖 I will do both, thank you for indulging me <3

Feenris:

THEY! THEM! <333! Honestly, I could keep talking about them forever and ever because! There's so much to their relationship! But I've talked about them A Lot, so I'll just explain the boxes I've ticked fdhdkfh

(I said I wouldn't talk a lot, and then I did wSJSKDH it's all under the cut)

The love at first sight was for me, btw. Like, I saw Iris and decided, yep, this is the ship I get obsessed over. Her power. Anyway, most of these are self-explanatory but I think I'll explain the 'complicated' boxes.

I've said this before, but I think they're always going to be a little bit in love with each other (and know it), even though they won't reignite their relationship. (Although, if Capcom did a 180 and decided they were going to be a thing, I would jump on that so fast. Thematic and narrative inconsistencies be damned; I am a hypocrite) I think they've both entertained the idea of starting over at least once, but it's just too messy. Like, although their relationship wasn't built on lies, there was still A pretty substantial lie involved. Add that with the fact that it's inevitably mixed with Iris's complex feelings about Dahlia and the pain from BttT on both sides, and you get Maybe We Shouldn't Be Together Actually. That's why they got the 1/2 on the normal, healthy relationship because, at their core, they really are sort of soulmates!! And that's what makes this all worse!!

I think they could make it work, but only after they've both made peace with everything that happened on their own. Like they need to think things through without the other person around first, and then talk things out. Right now, though, them getting together would just feel like they're both having some kind of coinciding mid-life crisis. It just wouldn't work for me hskdhd

Only reason they didn't get the 'in specific situations' box was because I realised that it's less a situational thing and more a characterisation thing for me? The candy-floss fluff Feenie describes their original relationship to be, while cute, doesn't really do much for me. But if you take the Frankenstein version of their relationship which I've pieced together from one (1) sprite parallel and a few of their interactions in BttT, where it was something that had to be built and has a foundation of pure, deep understanding of one another, then I'm all over it. And it's the same with their post-breakup relationship for me. I don't want a rehash of what they had before; I want a complicated but real relationship that acknowledges what happened, isn't afraid to confront it and move forwards. IF they were to get back together, which I don't think they should. I'll admit that I do maybe want them to be together forever and ever and ever, but they're one of those ships that I think would fall in love with each other in any universe regardless (no matter how those end), and in this one, I think the best case scenario is for them to move on with other people while still having that extremely strong romantic-platonic bond between them. It's complicated and a bit strange, but I feel like it's a non-threatening bond. They love each other, they always will, and it's because of that love that they won't pursue anything further than a deep friendship. Idk, I just want them to be happy, and I think they deserve to be happy with each other still in their lives!!! Is that so much to ask!!! Is it, Capcom!!!! I'm wailing!!!!

Krisnix:

Ohhh, my God. Ohhhhhhh my GODDDD.... Where do I even begin with Krisnix. They're like a. Umm. 'I would take a bullet for you just as readily as I would pull the trigger' pair to me. I gave them a half on the 'is it even shipping anymore' box because I feel like canon does pretty much state that they were... idk what they were, but there was definitely something going on between them, but any acknowledgement of this from canon would damage me irreparably. They're canon, but I Don't Want to Know, I Do Not See 🙈 HSKHSKDB

Krisnix to me has, like, weird parallels to Feenris. WHICH IS REALLY ODD, BUT LIKE. It's this. Wanting. Of someone who is kind (although Kristoph was probably faking it 95% of the time) and gentle and so, so beautiful and who understands, when you're so damn lonely. It's about Phoenix having too much love in his heart and looking for it in all the wrong people (with Dahlia rather than Iris in their case), because he has friends! He's just dumb about them sometimes, which leads to him going for people like Kristoph and! The weird thing is that! I think it was real!! In a weird way!!!

I think there was some kind of maybe not quite love, but the murmurings of it at the edges of this strange psychosexual obsession they have going on, and I think neither of them wanted to acknowledge it. Because Phoenix isn't stupid. I'm sure he knew that Kristoph wasn't all that he was making himself out to be, but he ignored it because Kristoph was kind, and present, and smart and comforting and gorgeous and attentive when Phoenix was the opposite of being even presentable at times, both physically and socially. And with Kristoph I think it's like. I think he knew? Subconsciously. That Phoenix didn't completely buy his act, but there was this... assurance, in that fact. Like Phoenix was probably the closest a person ever came to seeing through his genteel, put-together facade, and Phoenix stayed. It's breathes of acceptance, even though Kristoph probably doesn't realise that that was what kept him staying with Phoenix. There's a nice little lie he can rely on to tuck away the truth that he likes Phoenix Wright in a way; that lie that he's just keeping an eye on him so Phoenix doesn't get to close to the truth. And if that lie occasionally leads to dinners, and real laughter, and conversations that brush the edges of who Kristoph is beneath the mask... if it leads to him not keeping his hands off Phoenix, then, well... it doesn't mean anything. It's all a lie, after all.

Idk idk. I think they were weird sort of friends and that line Kristoph says in jail about Phoenix's friendship never being true lives in my head rent free because like! What if he meant it?? What if it actually hurt??? Even though he didn't want it to!!!! They're just, they're so! Strange! I need to know everything about them, but I don't want to!! I just have to!!! And you know how I said Feenris will always love each other, and that's a comfort to them? I think Krisnix is the opposite. I think they'll always sort-of-not-quite-love each other and hate themselves for it. I think they never wanted this, and they're both still trying to get themselves out of it, but each struggle, each attempt at release, just has the noose going tighter and tighter until, one day, it's going to break. And, when it does, I want to be there to see what happens.

[onyxheartbeat]

It’s difficult explaining this relationship and his avoidance to people because it was overflowing with emotions and beauty but also darkness. Only he and I know what that was like because nobody else saw us together. We were in our own world away from everyone. And it wasn’t a normal relationship or breakup.

We knew each other for many years before coming together like that. We knew the feelings that were there but didn’t actually engage for a long time. When you have a 50 year old man telling you they’ve never felt certain things or did certain things with anyone before you, and that you have a soul connection with them and that they thought of you as a true deep love, and had them opening up to you in ways they hadn’t with anyone before, you feel union. I think people think “girl, he was just saying that stuff,” but I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t making that up.

You’re so deeply connected and you’re experiencing all these beautiful things, and quite a lot of them feel spiritual or unexplainable. I experienced a closeness with someone that many people don’t get to have in their lives. It was a very intense time of helping someone who was broken, feel safe to be broken, and feel safe to cry and be complete themselves, no matter how dark it could be. He could be so loving and soft and romantic. I really felt this person’s love for me, and genuine desperation for me to be beside them.

So when I explain to people that it was like Jekyll and Hyde, and that he doesn’t talk to me now, I think people think I just needed to realize it was a bad relationship and that he’s shitty for ghosting. But it’s not that simple.

We built the relationship on an apology. He called me back into his life to apologize for how he’d treated our friendship and for ghosting me. Eventually things became intimate and we were in a relationship, and he was saying he’d never ghost me again. That was a big deal for him. He was genuinely so adamant to tell me he was sorry and that he’d always be here for me when I needed. So for that safety someone promised and built beneath you to just get pulled out from under is not just your run of the mill “lied to” experience. It’s genuinely disillusioning and you question what was real about everything someone did and said to you when you were together.

His verbally violent side could just come out of nowhere. He’d get drunk and could be a normal drunk, wanting to just have fun with me, or he could just completely not care what he was saying or doing or putting me through. His heart diagnosis, his mother dying, his mother leaving the hospital stuff and house to him to deal with and sell after her death, and his siblings not being very supportive and only wanting money, made me think his erratic behavior and drinking was justified for the time being. It was all very complicated.

My therapist has made it clear that it’s not her job to diagnose or speculate on what his “problem” might be but she has suggested it’s very possible he’s borderline or bipolar based on the behavior I told her he exhibits. But again, she said it would be impossible for her to know. I personally, don’t know. When I learned what fearful avoidance is, I feel like his behavior seems textbook for that, and I think he also was battling depression as anyone in his situation would’ve been. But if he does have some other mental or mood issues, I have no idea. A part of me feels like it’s just white male bullshit syndrome and he’s just never had to be accountable for anything in his life.

My point is it’s just so hard to explain everything to people. I feel like I’m looked at as an idiot or like the relationship was just some guy using me and then ghosting me, very cut and dry. Honestly I feel that way about it too sometimes but that doesn’t really align with how he was acting at other times.

It’s really hard to explain if you haven’t been through loving a fearful avoidant person yourself, or just loving someone for eight years and it finally coming to a head and them telling you they love you too. It’s so sad when the beauty was there, and you had a house by the beach you were going to almost every day, and you were having sex constantly and making love and cuddling constantly, eating together, holding hands. He was in such bad shape on so many nights that I was literally expecting him to pass away. He’d tell me he was expecting to die on some nights. And I’d just hold him through it. Then all of a sudden that person can just flip and behave so terribly and be fine never talking to you, and they just have that “it is what it is” and I’m not changing attitude.

My nervous system still can’t regulate.

[hopetorun]

For the writer ask game, ✿ for uttering overmuch, ↻ for Quinn/Brady and preference, and ❖ for feels like flying - yes I'm going for the deep cuts thanks to other anon for reminding me about that one - and home by now. Thank you!!!

✿ did anything major change when you started writing [fic] to when you finished? for uttering overmmuch

honestly not much! which is pretty typical for me writing a pwp. i have a particular thing that i want to have happen and then it happens. the closest to a major change is that it went from being an uhhhh sometime this season story to happening specifically after that first game in sweden.

↻ pick a fic and a different ship and I’ll tell you how I’d rewrite it for preference and Brady/Quinn

this is interesting to think about! i've considered brady/quinn winner's room before but i have to say i think it would be such a different vibe from preference that the trope might be all they'd have in common? obviously a brady/quinn version fundamentally wouldn't be about sex as a pathway to emotional connection and intimacy and introducing something so intimate into a relationship that's otherwise professional and slightly antagonistic. because brady and quinn are already intimately emotionally connected!

i'm not sure what a brady/quinn winner's room story would look like for me, because i waffle a lot about how it would play out. picking each other to avoid having to have weird transactional sex with each strangers? not picking each other because they don't want to add weird transactional sex into their friendship? picking each other and committing to an elaborate lie about actually having sex? idk. i waffle about it a lot and it's one of the several reasons i haven't actually written a winner's room story for them. sorry this is not an actual sketch of a story lmao

❖ pick 2 fics and I’ll combine them somehow for feels like flying and home by now

oh my god i wrote feels like flying in 2013. i feel weird about linking to it but i also feel like most of my tumblr followers sending me asks in 2024 don't know it exists so uh. there it is.

anyway i think it and home by now combine pretty nicely into a nate/jo story i would love to read! them, and a future reconciliation story similar to home by now. the vibe is different; the hooking up backstory becomes a teenage fwb dalliance that never quite turned into an actual relationship, which in turn changes the flavor of the fight/breakup. remains a story about finding what you want and building the life you want to have, and i think giving them a friend breakup backstory means you can keep the fraught ending up on the same team situation, but the setting options are more complicated. neither nate or jo's hometown is a viable option, obviously, and jo has already played for the habs. i'm not solving that problem. they have a big fight about their careers or whatever and then end up on the same team a few years later and have bad decision sex and have to pretend that they're still besties even though they haven't spoken since 2019 or something. and then they fall in love again.

[bimbutchpride]

Having a bad breakup with my ex after having my sense of security around him eroded over the course of a few months because he didn't understand the systematic nature of how trans women have violence projected onto us was bad but bareable. However then having a friendship I was developing with another masc lesbian crumble to dust because I was honest and open about the transmisogyny and outright abuse I've faced from transmascs in my decade of being out has really fucked with me. Like having salt rubbed deep into a scar that was cut back open.

[bl4desblog]

The Silent Erosion of Friendships: When Bonds Become One-Sided

Friendships are often seen as the backbone of our social lives, providing emotional support, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging. However, not all friendships remain strong as time passes. Sometimes, they quietly unravel, leaving one party wondering what went wrong. This article delves into the painful reality of one-sided friendships, exploring the emotional and psychological impact of feeling abandoned by someone you once considered a close friend.

The Emotional Toll of Unreciprocated Friendships

Friendships thrive on mutual care and effort, but when one person stops investing in the relationship, the other is left carrying the emotional weight. Over time, this imbalance can become exhausting. It’s like constantly reaching out into an empty void, hoping for a response that never comes. The friend who still cares is left questioning their worth and the validity of the bond they once cherished.

In cases like this, the friendship feels more like a burden than a joy. The emotional energy spent trying to maintain a connection is rarely, if ever, returned. The silent treatment, or worse, the gradual drifting apart, leaves a void that can’t easily be filled.

The ‘Pick Me’ Phenomenon and Its Impact on Friendships

One common factor in fading friendships is when individuals begin to prioritize external validation over their established relationships. This is often seen in people exhibiting ‘pick me’ behavior—a term used to describe those who seek approval from the opposite gender at the expense of their friendships, especially with other women. For someone who was once close to you, seeing them gravitate toward others while disregarding your bond can be incredibly painful.

The subtle shift in priorities can lead to situations where old friends are sidelined, and their feelings disregarded. What was once a group of equals now becomes a dynamic where one friend is always waiting for attention or validation that never arrives.

When Mental Health Becomes an Excuse for Self-Centeredness

Mental health is crucial, and it’s important for everyone to take time for themselves. However, in some instances, people use their personal struggles as an excuse to avoid putting in effort for others. They expect their friends to provide constant emotional support without reciprocating or even acknowledging their friends’ challenges.

In these scenarios, the relationship becomes one-sided, as one person’s mental health is prioritized above all else. The friend who has been there through thick and thin is left feeling uncared for, as their emotional well-being is repeatedly overlooked. This creates a toxic environment where one friend gives and the other takes, but the cycle is never broken.

Lies and the Fracture of Trust

Trust is the foundation of any strong friendship, but when lies enter the equation, the foundation crumbles. One of the most hurtful things a friend can do is to lie, especially about something seemingly trivial, like attending a birthday party. When a friend chooses to prioritize other plans, despite claiming they are physically unable to make it, it feels like a deep betrayal.

Lies, especially in situations where there’s no clear reason for dishonesty, leave the other party questioning everything. The friendship, once built on trust and transparency, now feels hollow, leaving behind hurt and confusion. Rebuilding this trust can be difficult, especially when the person who lied shows little remorse or fails to explain their actions.

Ghosting and Silent Breakups in Friendships

Unlike romantic relationships, friendships don’t often have clear-cut breakups. Instead, they wither away, piece by piece, often leaving one party wondering what went wrong. Ghosting, a term typically associated with romantic relationships, can happen in friendships too. It’s when one person simply stops responding, stops caring, and eventually disappears from your life without any explanation.

This silent breakup can be more painful than any heated argument or dramatic confrontation. It’s the slow realization that someone who once mattered no longer does, at least not in the same way. There’s no closure, no final conversation—just a cold, empty space where a friend once stood.

Using Friendships for Convenience

Another painful realization in these scenarios is that some people treat friendships as temporary conveniences. They are present and engaged when they need emotional support or companionship, but as soon as life moves on, they leave those friendships behind. The feeling of being “used” for a period, only to be discarded later, can leave a deep emotional scar.

This kind of temporary connection is common in school years, where proximity creates bonds that don’t always withstand the test of time. Once the need for support fades, so does the friendship. The person who still cares is left grappling with the emptiness of being abandoned by someone they thought was a true friend.

The Pain of Unanswered Apologies

Sometimes, even after a conflict, one person is willing to apologize, make amends, and move forward. But when the other party remains silent or indifferent, it’s clear that the friendship is no longer a priority for them. Forgiveness is a powerful tool, but it must come from both sides. Without mutual effort, even the most heartfelt apology can’t repair what has already been broken.

Outgrowing Friendships: The Unspoken Truth

As we grow older, our values, priorities, and interests evolve. It’s natural to outgrow some friendships. However, when this process happens abruptly or without proper communication, it leaves one person feeling abandoned. The friend who is left behind often wonders if the years of shared memories meant anything at all.

This process of drifting apart is natural, but it’s the silence, lack of effort, and emotional neglect that hurt the most. It’s one thing to grow apart, but it’s another thing entirely to be left behind without any explanation or closure.

Conclusion

Friendships, like all relationships, require effort, trust, and mutual care. When one person stops investing, the friendship slowly dies. It’s painful, emotional, and often leaves scars that take time to heal. Whether it’s lies, neglect, or simply outgrowing each other, the loss of a friend can feel like the loss of a part of yourself.

For those who find themselves in one-sided friendships, it’s important to recognize your worth and prioritize relationships that give back as much as you give. As hard as it is to let go, sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is walk away and invest in those who truly care.

[mnovenia]

AUGUST 2024 - SUMMER TIME, they said…

What a journey.. I’ve been neglecting on writing these days.. but my inspiration Ko Ruby inspires me to do it again.. also all knots inside my head need to be processed~

Where shalll I start hmm.. maybe from the months I fear the most (JUNE) because it has caused a deep cut of sadness that I haven’t experienced these past years. Preparing the hardest goodbye, trying to accept and let things go and surrender my plan to God, there are thousands of lessons I gain that I believe will be useful for the future..

Come to think of how I prepared Andrew’s farewell, from showing up in his marathon, juggling with Solideo, work, teaching, handling my emotions apparently not easy. I have to be excited for him, sad and feel his burden of leaving things he’s been get used to these past months, think about how’d I feel when he leaves, but I have to pretend all those and stand tall like it’s easy. PHEW, God knows how much I endured, why I sacrificed that much, and the only reason is the deep love I have for another human being. Some might think there’s nothing wrong with it, but if I think again? I was being too much at some point too. I expected he will appreciate and open his eyes, but he is also just a human being, insensitive, has different way of accepting it, cannot communicate how he actually appreciate all that, and misunderstandings that cause heartbreak and makes me feel unappreciated. That’s sad of course, and I learn that I shall not do it again in the future, especially without any commitment in the beginning, because it’s the pitfall of it all..

I learn about how far I can grow love to someone but I also learn that I should put boundaries not for another reason but for the sake of protecting me, my future and the God-sent Mr Right that will come later..

Anyway, ngapain aja ya.. selain marathon, siapin farewel2 dia, bikin scrapbook, arrange last trip bahkan ke kintamani, bantuin dia pindahan, beli oleh2, buat video, beli buffet di Mulia, siap2 ngomong last time, arrange group farewell sama solideo, tuker uang yg yen, fotoshoot dsbnya.. TIME, ENERGY, MONEY, A LOT EMOTION.. Was it all worth it? I hope so. Even though no words from him that he appreciate all that, was it hurt? Of course.. Andrew has caused one of the deepest heartbreaks I had since my Dad passed away.. however I know I can’t blame anyone on this but myself, I caused 70% of it because of my own expectation, my wishful hope that he will realize and appreciate later.. but Marshella, without you saying a word of clarity, who will understand what’s in your heart and head? So who is it to blame? There noone else but me…

After he’s gone, my expectation also didn’t stop there.. i’m waiting for his phonecall, texts, many church projects that still involve him, just for the sake that this imaginary relationship can continue.. we both might enjoy the connection and fun we have when talking to each other, but without clarity and commitment, it’s Marshella who is suffering.. another question, where is God in the midst of it all? Good question..

1. Have you been involving God since the beginning? Are you listening carefully or you live out your own plan & imagination?

2. Have you been listening to all your friends who screamed: STOP IT MARSHELLA, ASK HIM FOR CLARITY, PUT BOUNDARIES? I guess I was just enjoying the whatever undefined relationship we had in the past year. It was fun for a short time, but YOU ARE SUFFERING MARSHELLA, no matter how good the guy is, you know you’re wrong too for not talking it out with him.. so next time, SPEAK UP could you please?

3. Was all the heartbreak, silenced, uncontinued friendship & common ministy worth the sacrifice?

4. What should I do next?

It’s been a month since I went to Korea. Everyday I tried hard to wake up and keep my head up straight without feeling the pain of rejection and imagining how Gwanghui is suffering on the other side of the world. It hurts so much, it feels like a bad breakup, a waste of time, a loss of best friend whom I can talk to and cheer my day up, keep me going on my ministry, practicing my Korean, etc..

God, if I can be honest and not to push my feelings, if I can express how much I still have deep love that I want to share with Gwuang Hui, I’d love to hope that there is still hope for it.. But this time, the feeling is mixed with everything.. now my mind can already think clearly, that I don’t want to repeat the dark time I had with him.. the fight, argument, cold treatments, misunderstandings, dark cold days at tenten, words from him, un appreciation that made me suffer to the core.. it wasn’t even a good time that we shared, even though God used it that we clearly expand our tents in Bali church..

I think my eyes and heart are so blinded that I’m hopeless and limiting what God can do, I can’t find a glimpse of hope that I can meet someone else who God really prepares for me, who will treat me better, who deserve my deep love, who loves God too at the same time and willing to join God’s ministry because of His calling, and see me the way God sees me. But the enemy seems blocking that view and stop me to stuck and feel helpless, seeing myself as too old to hope again, too much lacking that men won’t be interested and will look for younger girls, etc. I’m also afraid to find out if GH is with other girl, esp if it’s when I’m still alone. These days I know that GH is not doing alright, he was lost without clear direction, nothing satisfy him, and the worst part is: he’s not only stop ministering to solideo (sending prayer/words) but also not going to Yewon church in Seoul for 3 consecutive weeks, isn’t that crazy? He wasn’t even joining any youth activities that he used to love the most, work wise also not finding open door, and i feel so much pressured/guilt that I caused/contributed the pain that he is having now..

Those are Satan’s intimidation that I should throw away and not believe..

Even he clarified himself to me that it’s not because of me and I should know that God is strong enough to take care of him without my help/involvement, I should always be involved in his life (when he clearly doesn’t want to), I then wonder is it really love or just the enemy who wants to distract me from focusing on the Love of God..

These days I’ve been reflecting again, what God is trying to teach me through this rejection, I heard the it directs to redirection, makes me have courage to start from 0 again, believing what God still has in store, purify me that I will live for God even without worldly reward that I always want, that I will not depend my on the gift of this world, learn to be mature to admit that I may lose because of rejection and I have to admit and accept that with big heart, that not everything will fit to my ‘beautiful’ scenario, I should learn to value myself the way God do even when other people don’t see it, I have to learn to cherish every moment that God provides because it may not last forever, I have to believe, relieve, release things that I want to control/prevent not happen to a bigger hands the only one that capable of taking care of it and take out the ‘burden’ I feel I have to carry on my shoulders because noone’s happiness is depend on me, I learn that no matter how strong one’s faith may look like it will fail at some point and not last as I thought, I learn that through loneliness God will send those He think should be with me on the time being, God taught me to follow His way because He doesn’t me to get hurt even further and me to see His miracle on the way that far better than my definition of ‘LOVE’.. So what should I do next:

1. Focus on following God’s words, doa Kristus every now and then, take time to pray and be in the words, show up everytime I have chance because that’s the time when God is speaking

2. Focus on the people God put around me this time. SOLIDEO, help Bella, value the love from Ci Maurin, Eunjung Onni, Marlene Jie, Nongky, Eunice, Michelle, Shannen, Lina, all the girlfriends God put in my life to focus on Him and feel His love through.. I’ve been neglecting girls time due to thinking on Andrew and look forward to things that is uncertain.. cherish the love I have

3. Discipleship and penginjilan to my brother, colleagues, reachout to other Christians Silvi, Esther, those who stay in Bali, Devi, strengthen the new believers while helping the church to grow and be transformed by the love of God.

4. Pilates, eat & live healthy, explore more hobbies, don’t be stingy to myself, buy what I want, help those in need without earthly calculation

[radiochick]

Pillars - Sunny Day Real Estate Review

This entry will be a more feels based one. Mainly how I feel about the ambiance and lyrics of Pillars by Sunny Day Real Estate.

At first you hear a low, mellifluous sound by the start of the guitar, drum, and bass synchronizing. For me it establishes the sound and feeling that I’ll have throughout the rest of the song. It brings a feeling of yearning for something as the song constantly goes between slow instrumentals to invigorating, heart-striking lyrics. A lot of the time you can hear him “shouting” his lyrics to get the point across almost like he needs the person to hear. 

Besides my biased opinion on how great of a song this is I would need to back it up with other credible sources besides my own personal opinion. I went on a small deep dive into the meaning from a site called, “Songtell” and they have to say that this is a retelling of a breakup due to, “the weight of misunderstandings and miscommunications.” It’s told from the view of the person who is trying to salvage the relationship while the other person has already moved on. 

Now it’s time for a small look into the lyrics. It starts off with, “But you were always one to stay the same, girl I know you want to be the rain.” It could be a theme of having removed someone from your life due to them “not changing” based on their stubbornness or an ego. Rain is used in literature a lot to show washing away bad energy. It renews you in a sense, but in the narrator’s case the ex-lover thought they were as great as the weather pattern; instead, they could’ve brought only misery. Let’s read, “And I know that you can feel the pain your eyes speak one hundred million lies.” What I can determine is that the narrator knows how much this break up has hurt them, yet their ex will keep a poker face to not show emotion. Not showing emotion could be used as a power trope to seem stronger or better than the other person. As they’re recollecting old moments that no longer matter anymore. The ex is trying to take a shortcut on getting over someone even though it takes time to heal. The chorus is written as, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone astray I walk in circles I’ve seen million things that tell me so.” This person is hoping to not acknowledge how the other party is over with the relationship. The bridge has burned and there’s no salvaging it in any way. He doesn’t want to hear that this person has left him as he constantly remembers the moments they had together. He’s reminiscing on something that someone else has gotten over already. They couldn’t care to be with him and this breaks the narrator. Yet, there are occurrences that show how this ex lover could have an inkling of wanting for the narrator. Since the narrator sees signs most likely from the universe that could be tricking or making them imagine a false hope. 

I personally have gone through “breakups” with people. Not anything romantic, but friendships. Surprisingly, I see this from the ex-lover’s point of view. I went through turmoil when I had to cut a specific person off for my own betterment. It hurt in the beginning. I mean many times did I think to just look over my own stupidity and take them back. But for my mental health and to feel better respected I chose to keep myself where I was standing and to continue looking forward. I went through my own battle in many different forms. I even had written an apology message for the fact that I ghosted them. Our miscommunications caused things to end so badly. I just couldn’t take looking, thinking, or being around them. This song brings back many moments in my life when I have wanted to reach out to old relationships to try and rekindle what we had with all the good memories, but in the end all the bad ends up staying.

[allaboutnayeli]

ex [a.bonmati x reader]

prompt: aitana pushes you away after the break-up, but you want to be more than just past lovers.

author notes: a full fledged fic? who would have thought 🙇🏽‍♀️ anyways this fic is angsty, but i swear it's not anything toxic. enjoy it 💕

playing ex by kiana lede 🎵

hey, hm

we went from 2 am calls to

zero communication, yeah

we spent too long in heaven that

we felt the elevation

just 'cause it's different and

we're not the same

doesn't mean things have to change

i got no trouble with my pride,

got trouble cutting ties

friendship breakups are bone-crushing, worse than actual relationship breakups most of the time. if you knew the moment aitana left out of your place that day meant to the end of a years long friendship, maybe you would have figured it out. aitana was a constant figure in your life since you were only eleven. with you both playing at a youth academy a friendship was bound to emerge and that it did. the spainard should became one of your closest friends as the years went by.

by your late teens, she was basically a part of your family. coming over to your family home almost everyday and even staying overnight when it was too late to make the trip back home. you two watched each other change from awkward eleven year olds to established adults. the bond between you two was special; aitana always said so. you were her bestfriend, her soulmate, practically the love of her life. eventually that deep friendship blurred into something more, but the short spainard didn't address how intimate the friendship has gotten by the time you were both twenty-two, so you didn't either. what's the point of ruining a good thing over feelings you don't even know are repiocated?

when you went overseas to the wsl, aitana was heartbroken. she was planning on confessing to you right on your twenty-third birthday, but no, you just had to take a different direction in your career.

the night before you had to leave for manchester, you and aitana were sitting on the beach. side by side. shoulder to shoulder. it's around nine pm, so time was ticking by. you would have to head home soon to get a good amount of rest for your morning flight and by the silence between aitana and you, she didn't like that fact.

"why are you leaving?" she breaks the silence, mumbling. her head leans over to rest against yours. the question sounds so sad coming from her lips that you almost want to tell you that no, you weren't leaving. weren't leaving barcelona. weren't leaving her. but you couldn't so you just sigh.

"i want to try something new. you know, see a new style of football," you try to explain but the words don't sound that convincing. you didn't add in how you wanted to get away from aitana so you could settle your feelings. you didn't add in the fact your contract was only for a year and a few months, not even the media mentioned the length of your contract with manchester city.

"you can try new things here, no?" aitana leans away before turning her head to look at you. her eyebrows are furrowed; showing the slight annoyance in her mood. "barcelona has been trying new things, so why won't you stay?" she says, no, nearly begs to know.

you interlock your hands with hers. giving them a gentle squeeze before saying, "i swear i want to stay. i would never want to be apart from you, but it's not just that.."

"then what is it? i'll try to fix it, i'll help you fix it. just tell me and we can figure it out. we always do," her eyes glance into yours. the sad pout on her lips makes you want to just cancel your flight and stay here in spain, but you can't so you just pull her into a hug. the tears start to flow from her the moment aitana stuffs her face into your neck. "it feels like i have never been without you.." she cried into your skin. you fight your own tears, rubbing her back gently.

some may say that display of emotion was dramatic, but they just didn't understand how deep you and aitana's friendship went. you two spent nearly every moment together, off the field and on the field. without each other to be physically around all the time, who would fill that empty spot in you two's lives now?

maybe aitana would react to the news better if you confessed your feelings then, but it was too late to even try to in the moment. you just let her cry as you comfort her. inviting her over to your place afterwards to spend one last night together.

when you did come back to barcelona after your contract with manchester city ended, aitana cried again in your arms. this time out of happiness instead of sadness. the spainard became determined to keep you in spain for the rest of your career; she couldn't deal with just facetimes and texts anymore.

the rest of the barcleona team welcomed you back with open arms. teasing you about how you better not leave home ever again. you didn't ever plan to anyway, so you would just joke back.

your plan to leave spain and get over your feelings for aitana was an absolute fail. everytime you heard her voice over the phone your feelings just got bigger. you would rather endlessly want more with her than be away from aitana any longer.

you slip right back into your role in the team and in aitana's life. going over her house after practice everyday, cuddling while watching movies, becoming a great duo on the pitch again, and all the other stuff you two always do. your feelings were still there but you always pushed them away. not wanting to ruin a good thing. you had just got your best friend back.

fast forward to aitana's twenty fifth birthday. the short spainard had a large dinner with her family and her barcelona teammates. afterwards, it was her and you, a little tipsy on the balcony of her apartment. she was getting horribly handsy, but it didn't bother you. people in spain are just naturally affectionate and this was also your bestfriend, your aitana. she could touch you however she liked. it wasn't until she pulled away from you, but not too far, her hands holding onto your hips.

"y/n.." she says softly. looking up at you with a nervous look in her eyes. your heart races at not only how beautiful she looks in that moment, but also the nervousness in her eyes; aitana is never nervous around you. she doesn't have to. you are her bestfriend, her y/n, her rock. she can be whatever she wants around you. however she wants.

"what is it?" you whisper out, moving your hand to push some of her hair behind her right ear. she leans in closer. eyes a little dazed from the wine she drank earlier.

"i like you.. a lot. no, i love you a lot," she says. you chuckle before saying, "of course you do. what would you do without me." your heart races so fast hearing her speak. her words carry a different tone than before when she usually says those three words. why did it feel different now?

aitana pouts before furrowing her brows. obviously annoyed you haven't caught on to the different meaning behind her words. this i love you wasn't the same one she first said back when she was thirteen, when she realized she wanted you to stay around in her life forever as her best friend. this was more than that. "no.. i love you. i just want to kiss you.." she says.

you widen your eyes before smiling. aitana actually returned your feelings? before you can fully react she pulls you into a kiss. too impatient to hear your verbal response. the kiss is pretty messy with aitana being drunker than you, but still you savor it. your first kiss with aitana is worth remembering.

when she pulls away she pouts away, "i didn't ask you if you liked me back or if you even wanted a kiss." you giggle and peck the pout off of her lips, "of course i like you back."

after that you two got together. your relationship didn't feel that different though, just with more kisses and more than before. whenever you got jealous you actually had the right to act on it. there were many perks that came along with being consider aitana's girlfriend rather than just her best friend. however there were some setbacks as well.

you realized people were right when they said just because someone is a good friend, doesn't mean they would be a good girlfriend. not to say aitana was a bad girlfriend, but she struggled to understand why you would get jealous when she would be incredibly touchy with others. she didn't want to reveal your relationship to the public, perfectly fine with only the people in you two's personal life knowing about the change between you. which wasn't so bad until you see how many people think she's dating someone else and have to fight the urge to post about how she's yours. she was the worse at arguments. quicker to do the silent treatment than to try to work anything out. it was a bad habit from your friendship that you knew she had and just dealt with because she was your bestfriend, you knew how to get around it, but in a relationship with her you didn't want to. you wanted to communicate like a healthy couple should.

everything came to a head a few days after your twenty-sixth birthday. almost a year after aitana confessed to you.

the barcelona team have dragged you out for a good time in the club since your birthday was on a match-day, meaning you couldn't go out like you wanted to. aitana was clinging to you the entire night until she was swept away by some blonde stranger.

you were sipping on your drink, a glare directed right at the blonde whose hands were on your girlfriend as they danced. why did you let her pull aitana away again? because your feet were hurting? yeah well now your heart was. when you finally had enough at the sight of that stranger moving her hands down from aitana's waist to her hips, you pull her away. ignoring the spainard's complaints as you pull her all the way outside. quick to take your jacket off to make sure she didn't feel cold in the paris winds; you may be annoyed at her, but you still love her.

"why were you letting her be all over you?" you want to shout badly, but instead just talk calmly. not wanting to draw attention to the fact two barcelona players were outside about to argue.

"it was just a dance, amor."

"it wasn't just a dance. she obviously wants you," you grab onto her arm, holding in a soft grip before saying, "why can't you act like you have a girl? that you aren't single."

aitana frowns hearing your words. where was this coming from? she quickly tries to deny your statement, "i do. it was never going to go further than dancing."

"that was already too far."

"then why didn't you say anything?"

"why should i have to? you should know that nobody would be fine with some woman dancing with their girlfriend like that!" you say in a hushed tone. pulling aitana closer so that nobody would hear the conversation between you two. the confused look on aitana's face makes your heart hurt. why didn't you communicate your feelings? you always hated how she goes straight to silent treatment, but you go straight to being angry every single time.

"you have never been angry about this before," she replies. fighting the instinct in her to just shut down and go back into the club. she can't even if she wanted to with you holding onto her.

"before what? before this situation or before we got together? i'm not just your bestfriend anymore, i'm your girlfriend, act like it!" you finally let out all the frustration from previous times where aitana just didn't get it. aitana glares at you before shaking her head. "don't tell me what to do. don't yell at me! yes, you're my girlfriend and i'm yours but you don't control me. i'm an adult, so treat me like it!" she argued back. pulling herself out of your grasp harshly before rushing back into the club. leaving you by herself outside.

aitana ignored you for nearly two days. it felt like a year with no texts from her, no calls her, and her refusing to hang out with all the other barcleona players who went to brunch right after the night at the club. even when you all went on the plane to head back to spain, she sat next to alexia. sleeping the entire flight away and being the first to get off. you knew you screwed up and it was your entire fault for her behavior even if it wasn't the healthiest. you should have communicated better even with your frustration.

finally when the silence all got too much, you went over to aitana's apartment. it only takes two knocks for aitana to open up. she sighs once she sees it's you, but doesn't turn you away. instead letting you inside silently. walking over to her couch while you slip your shoes off at the door. your eyes noticing your jacket from the night at the club hanging on a hook near the door.

"aitana.." you move over to the couch, sitting beside her with some space left between you two. she scoots closer which is a good sign that the anger from before isn't still present, but still the silence made you nervous.

"aitan-" you don't get to finish your sentence before aitana speaks. "i'm sorry.." she says with her head down, "i get what you were saying that night. i shouldn't had let her just be all over me and at the time i didn't understand, but after thinking about it, you're right. i'm so used to thinking about you as my bestfriend rather than my girlfriend that i overstep."

the genuine regret in her voice makes you want to reconsider the reason you came over here; to break up with aitana. it has been on your mind for a while now, but that day in paris was just the last push you needed to go through with it. that's not the only reason you're here though. you wanted to come check up on aitana and make sure your words didn't hurt her too deeply, you still love her but it feels like you're slowly falling out of love with her.

"aitana, listen. i love you, okay?" you smile when she lifts her head up. a happy look on her face as she listens to you. "it's just.. i don't think we were meant to be more than best friends. you're my world i swear and i love you but not like this.. anymore," aitana's face immediately drops after you finish speaking.

when she saw you at her door she thought, yes, i could fix it but instead this visit is just the death to the relationship she's been craving from you for a while now.

"so you want to break up? why..?" aitana's voice cracks, "why are you leaving me again? i don't get it."

tears start to flow from her eyes before she could stop them. this break up reminds her of when you left for manchester; she felt like she lost you. now she's losing you again.

you sit there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. seeing aitana cry makes you cry as well. you pull her into a hug that she accepts quickly; even when you're breaking her heart, she clings to you. as her bestfriend you have always been her source of comfort, but now you're her source of pain as well. a condiaction that she's not willing to think about.

for the rest of the night, aitana clings to you. not allowing you to do anything without her by your side and eventually you two fall asleep in her bed. with her face nuzzled into your neck, her arms wrapped around your waist, her legs tangled with yours.

the next day you didn't leave her apartment until three in the afternoon. aitana almost begged you to stay, but she just lets you leave. she loves so much that she will respect your choices and if that means breaking up than she will respect that.

after the break-up, it's like aitana continued on the silent treatment. hardly replying to your texts or answering your calls, she stopped sitting by you everywhere, no more cracking jokes while in the locker room, she just disappeared from your life. it was just like when you left for manchester expect that she didn't try to stay connected.

and you understand why, you would never hate her for it. she's trying to get over you and can't do that if you two are acting like the closest people ever but still it hurts. hurts so bad. you have never been without aitana since you were eleven years old. she was always there, being her cute self. and now she's gone; it feels like your world is collapsing.

you may have broken up with aitana, but you still love her. you're just not in love with her.

you want your best friend back.

i don't wanna be your ex

we way too good at being friends

can we still hangout

on the low, get wild

i don't wanna be your,

i don't wanna be your

hit ya girl up with a text,

when you're alone and feeling stressed

i don't gotta be in love with you, to love you

i don't wanna be your, so

don't treat me like your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

without aitana, you felt lonely. you have tons of friends outside of aitana of course. you're close with all of your fellow barcelona teammates and have made a reputation of being friends with many other women footballers. then there are your childhood friends from your schooldays that you cherish with your entire spirit. but none of them could compare to aitana. she has been and still is your number one.

all those nights where you held eachother, the daily ice cream trips you two would go on, the endless movie nights could never be replaced by anyone else. it just wasn't the same.

the rest of the barcelona team realized you two broke up as the days went past. when aitana who would usually jump up at the first opportunity to pair up with you for training exercises instead choose to pair up with ona, everyone knew something was up. their suspicions were confirmed when you left before aitana. unlike before when aitana and you would leave together, either going to get food together or going home together.

nobody wanted to be one to ask the question they knew the answer to, so everyone acted like everything was fine. aitana and you still connected on the pitch, but off of it that connection was dead and cold.

aitana wasn't doing any better than you mentally. she felt alone, even when she was hanging out with alexia or ingrid. her mind always drifted back to you, but the hurt you caused to her heart makes her want to resent you. to punish you for leaving her. she's know this is unreasonable, childish, and partially true because you love her.

aitana knows you love her dearly, she can see it in your eyes but it isn't the love she holds for you. it's just as deep, just as intimate, just as special but not romantic anymore and that kills her.

her own romantic feelings were slowly fading though and the yearning for you was getting stronger. not as her girlfriend, but as her bestfriend. she's used to waking up to either you cuddling her or a text from you saying good morning. now she has neither, she hates that. she wants you, but feels too stubborn to do it just yet.

whenever aitana felt down, she would go through you two's messages. her mood getting better just thinking about all the moments attached to the texts. she scrolls through her photos of you, trying not to just call you and hear your voice. she craves you deeply, but won't let you know.

a month passed then two then three.

aitana ignoring you was becoming old. you want to be back in her life, you need to be. she's your soulmate; has been since you were both eleven. a life without her doesn't sound right, so you become determined to make her come back to your arms. seeing aitana be so loving to everyone else while giving you the cold shoulder was incredibly annoying and heartbreaking.

you aren't sure on how to get aitana to pay attention to you. she seemed set on ignoring you for the rest of you two's careers, but you weren't going to allow that.

one day you just decide to take a leap of fate by calling her. the phone rings for so long you almost think she isn't going to answer, but she does. aitana doesn't say a thing, but you can tell she's on the other line. her breathing clear as day.

"tana..?" you say softly, slightly nervous. it feels strange to feel nervous when talking to aitana. it reminds you of the first time you two met as children. feeling too shy to speak to the talented eleven year old that was aitana. she took the first step by handing you a freezepop after practice one day, scooting closer to you before eating her one. you felt it in your spirit that she was made to be your bestfriend then.

"yeah?" she replies. her tone not being venomous like you thought it would be.

"can we hang out or just talk? i miss your voice.."

"but you hear my voice everyday, no?" aitana jokes. you roll your eyes at quick she is to make the conversation light, but it's an endearing trait you love about her. quickly she gets more serious, "why? why would you want to be around your ex?"

you groan at hearing the word ex escape her mouth. in your mind that small relationship was just a chapter in your friendship with aitana, not anything that holds any impact. you want her to think of you as her best friend, not her ex.

"because you aren't just my ex, aitana. you're my best friend and i can't stand another day without spending time with you," you say. aitana goes silent on the other line. her silence makes you frown; was she going to grow angry that you aren't fully acknowledging the fact the feelings between you two were very much real?

it takes a minute but aitana eventually says, "i miss you too. can i come see you..?"

the smile on your lips was probably the warmest you have ever smiled. "yeah. let's meet at that ice cream shop, you know, the one we always go to," you say. aitana hastily agrees before hanging up.

you couldn't wait to see her.

let's skip the awkward run-ins, or

pretending like we're strangers

and get back to how we started, yeah

don't pour water on fire

just 'cause it's different and we're not the same

doesn't mean things have to change

i got no trouble with my pride,

got trouble cutting ties

seeing the familiar ice cream shop that aitana and you have been regulars at since you were eleven brings back the best memories. the first time you two became super close, the first time aitana comforted you, the first time you and aitana considered eachother bestfriends. it all rushes back as you walk through that simple white door where the paint has been peeling off for years now, but nobody ever fixes it.

you arrive twenty minutes before aitana is supposed to meet you here, wanting to have some time to breathe and figure out what to say. this would be the first time talking face to face where you weren't saying soccer related things in three months.

"been missing you," the old lady behind the counter, esperanza, says. she's been here since forever. you don't remember a moment where she wasn't working the counter. she knew all of you and aitana's favorites.

"missed you more. sorry for not coming around as much," you say. happily accepting the vanilla ice cream she hands you. esperanza doesn't let you pay, saying it's on the house since she's been missing you.

"it's okay. where is your little friend?" she questions. you just shrug before shaking your head, "she's coming. she would never miss seeing you."

esperanza chuckles at that before gesturing for you to go sit down, so your ice cream wouldn't melt. you sit at one of the tables near the window. the shop wasn't huge, but it was homey. with various decorations that have been up since you first came here. everything was same it felt like expect for the relationship between aitana and you. the rest of your lives seem to be frozen in time while the friendship between you two was speeding past.

you look out the window, thinking about what to say. would aitana even show? hopefully, she isn't the type to just blow someone off even when angry. she cares about others time. your question is answered when aitana passes by the window before coming through the door.

"hi esperanza! i have missed you, you know," she says with a huge smile on her face. not even noticing you near the window as she comes over to the counter. it isn't until she finishes her conversation with esperanza and gets her strawberry flavored ice cream before she spots you. turning to see you at the window. the way her body tenses makes you cringe; is this how everything is going to be for now on?

you stand, half eaten ice cream in hand, and walk out of the shop. why were you moving away from her like she's some stranger? you couldn't help yourself, seeing her stand there awkwardly makes you want to scream. however you don't go far. sitting down on the pavement in front of the shop; this street doesn't allow cars and it wasn't really busy on thursdays, so there was no one to bother you or spot a top footballer sitting outside of some quaint ice cream shop.

aitana is still standing in the shop. frowning as she looks out the window and see you just sitting there on the pavement, like you always do when it's too hot to stay inside of the shop, but you weren't out there because of the heat this time around. it was because of her.

she didn't mean to just fall silent once she saw you. aitana had so much to say, but hardly the words to express it. seeing esperanza than you seriously brighten up her day that she froze up a bit. hopefully you won't shut her out.

"go talk to her. she misses you," esperanza says, leaning against the counter. before aitana can question her words, esperanza says, "i'm an old woman. i know these things. do you know how many people come in and out of here with love stories? she loves you. talk to her and make whatever this is right. you guys almost made my shop chillier than the ice cream."

esperanza's words make aitana really realize she wants to make this right. her feelings for you were still lingering in her mind, but she could care less; she needs to talk to you.

aitana walks out of the ice cream shop. sitting down right next to you on the pavement, shoulder to shoulder. your ice cream is completely gone by now, aitana takes that as an opportunity to start up a conversation. "you just couldn't wait?" she jokes, gesturing to your hand that had a lack of an ice cream cone in it.

you look at her in confusion before giggling loudly. "not my fault that you are such a slow eater," you joke back. pointing to her strawberry ice cream that was half melted by now. aitana tries to eat the rest of her ice cream quickly, but that doesn't really help as her ice cream melts away.

you two fall back into your roles. easily getting comfortable again despite the obvious conversation that needs to be had. you want to bring up what happened, but can't, worried that it will ruin the atmosphere between you. aitana seems to worry about the same thing as she says nothing about it, but that doesn't you two don't enjoy yourselves and sorta apologize in your own little ways.

aitana brings up how you know she can be really stubborn sometimes as a joke and you easily tease her about it before she teases you about your anger issues.

you two don't get to fully apologize that day, but you do rekindle a friendship that almost went stale.

i don't wanna be your ex

we way too good at being friends

can we still hangout

on the low, get wild

i don't wanna be your,

i don't wanna be your

hit ya girl up with a text,

when you're alone and feeling stressed

i don't gotta be in love with you, to love you

i don't wanna be your,

so don't treat me like your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

don't act like i don't care for you

cause you know i'd always be there for you (oh)

don't act like i don't care for ya

cause you know i'd always be there for you

i don't want to be your ex

we're way too good at being friends

can we still hangout on the low get wild

i don't want to be your, i don't want to be your

i don't wanna be your ex

we way too good at being friends (yeah)

can we still hangout

on the low, get wild

i don't wanna be your, i don't wanna be your

hit ya girl up with a text,

when you're alone and feeling stressed

i don't gotta be in love with you,

to love you (love you)

i don't wanna be your, so

don't treat me like your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

i don't want to be your

e-e-e-e, e-e-ex

it takes a while for aitana and you to fully become comfortable with eachother. you two start to hang out more outside of soccer just like before; visiting that same ice cream shop nearly everyday.

those unsaid feelings still hang in-between you two, but you refuse to be the one to address them. even though you said you would fix it, if things are going well, why mention it? you were afraid of ruining what aitana and you have again. running around the topic wasn't doing either of you favors either. you couldn't bring up new crushes like you used to because you didn't know if aitana had moved on fully yet.

aitana was having a mental challenge of her own; she wanted closure. the break up to her felt so sudden that she had no time to process it even when she spent months not talking to you. during those months all she did was yearn for you, so it wasn't that beneficial. her feelings for you had definitely faded into something small; aitana will probably always like you in that way for a tiny amount but the platonic love she has for is even stronger. she just wants to be apart of your life as your best friend. the one you can always trust.

how can she get to that point fully if she doesn't express how she's feeling? aitana ponders about this for nearly five days. the question becoming larger and larger in her head everytime she saw you until she had to say something.

"y/n, want to come over to my place today?" aitana asks as you two walk around on the practice field. she's holding her waterbottle in one hand and yours in the other. you shrug before saying, "what do you think?"

right after practice you two go to aitana's apartment. she convinces to hold her bag all the way up to her apartment floor, reminding you that she held your waterbottle earlier. you jokily grumble about how you will never let her do something for you again. the atmosphere between you is light for nearly a full hour. aitana makes a large salad for you too even though you begged for her to add chicken pieces in it; she refused.

"tana, stop," you groan softly. your eyebrows furrowed together as you push her with your shoulder. currently you are trying to beat her in fifa, but she's been distracting you the entire game. laughing loudly during a game should be a crime with how loud aitana can be when she wants.

"but y/nnn. i wanna win," she giggles. pushing you back which lets her win the game. you roll your eyes, setting your controller down on her coffee table. mentally you remind yourself to tickle her for revenge later on. suddenly as aitana sets down her controller, the air around you two feel so serious.

she gives you a nervous glance, you thought you two were over this awkward phase? why is she acting so nervous now?

aitana grabs onto your hand before resting her head against your shoulder. you rest your head against hers, squeezing her hand gently to let her know to not be nervous. "i have something to say.." she says. you let out a sigh; now it's your turn to be nervous.

"why did you break up with me? i just want to know.." she trails off, glancing at you to see your reaction. why does it feel like you two are walking on eye shells around eachother? it's annoying.

you sigh before saying, "because i realized we weren't meant to be more than bestfriends and that's not in a bad way. i love you so much. i can't live without you. when we weren't friends, i lost my mind. all i want in life is to be with you."

aitana stares at you for a moment before smiling, "i love you too. let's promise to never push each other away again?" she holds out her pinky to you. just like back when you two held out your pinkies and promised to be friends forever at eleven. "promise," you say, linking your pinky with hers.

you pull her close into a hug, just relieved you now fully have your best friend back. you may not be in love with her, but you do love her.

© THINKINGABOUTJAEDYN