#this hurt me while it was happening because as joyous as it was i just KNEW it would mean nothing in the end

[kinopio-writes]

Hi! Would you be willing to write something for Adam with a sensitive reader?

Everyone knows that he is loud-mouthed jerk, even reader, and she loves him regardless, but one day he crosses the line and says something particularly mean that makes her cry. Like REAL mean. To the point that he pauses because he did not think before speaking (or, well, less than usual lol)

I'm happy with whatever format you feel like using! Thank you!

A/N: I will be more than delighted to write that for you. But would you excuse me for a moment? AHHHHHHDISJDIOEOFJSKXJND—I’m sorry; I love this idea so much. Reading ‘Adam with a sensitive reader’ got me hooked instantly. But I’ll go over that in the headcanons, along with the general stuff. And I’ll add a oneshot at the end that plays the exact scenario of Adam taking it too far.

Holy sh!t. I made it so that the reader being sensitive is their greatest but also weakest point and it turned out pretty angsty. Has a bit of hurt/comfort, though. Did I go overboard? Maybe. That’s why it took so long. Sorry, anon.

Words: 2,328 (edited)

Warnings: Sex is mentioned (only a bit, surprisingly), Angst, Adam being Adam

———

Adam w/ a Sensitive!Reader

• ha, this man is also sensitive himself

• well, sensitive about himself

• he feels his own emotions strongly, so he’s not the caring, easily able to pick up on other’s feelings and empathize type of sensitive

• you, on the other hand, are on the opposite end of the spectrum compared to Adam

• so you experience other people’s emotions just as strongly as yours

• you easily know what makes someone tick

• you’re selfless

• you’re able to admit your mistakes and apologize

• you’re respectful and actively listen to people when they talk about themselves

• you don’t push people down to make yourself seem better

• you try to make everyone feel good and comfortable

• you’re everything he isn’t

• because you fit in Heaven perfectly

• you deserve to be there

• and Adam knows that he doesn’t belong (subconsciously at least)

• you’re able to draw people in just for being yourself

• and he’s envious of it

• so he demeans you and is snarky about everything you do, and every time people give you praise or affection, he tries to divert the attention to himself or just stares at you with utter hatred from afar

• although all of that is just when he hasn’t even had a conversation with you

• after a while of being around you, he’ll cling to you because you give him the reassurance and validation he oh-so craves (he acts as if he didn’t hate you before. What do you mean? You two were always buddy-buddy!)

• you acknowledge all of the things he puts his worth to

• heck, you hang out with him—you sometimes even initiate it—willingly, and you’re genuinely interested in everything he has to say

• but he‘ll only hang out with you where no one recognizes you (so you don’t get all the attention)

• terrible transition here, but he notices that you mimic people’s expressions often

• he definitely makes fun of you for it

• and also mocks you

• up until he realizes that you do the same thing to him, too

• which is fine and all, if only you didn’t do that when he’s upset

• well, you mimic him when he’s joyous as well, but he (already subconsciously) expects you to. I mean, why wouldn’t you? He’s fucking hilarious!

• so you copying his negative emotions just stands out more

• and he…doesn’t like it

• that’s only really what he doesn’t like about you

• and the fact that you hog all the attention

• and the fact that people see you as perfect…

• buuut what happens when he gets to see a new side of you that isn’t exactly upholding that image?

———

Your phone lit up from your bedside table, brightening your otherwise dark room along with the soft glow of your halo. You only moved your eyes to the light, not wanting your tears to spill and dampen your pillows.

You had an inkling as to who was texting you this late—if the fact that your phone lighting up several times in the span of 5 minutes had anything to say.

When the texts stopped pouring in after a few seconds, you heavily sighed, wings ruffling. You resisted the urge to rub your face as you went to grab your phone.

HEY (2:34) HEY (2:34) HEY (2:34) ARE YOU UP? (2:35) I’M BORED (2:35) GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE (2:36) IF YOU’RE UP (2:37) ARE YOU? (2:38) DID I TELL YOU THAT BITCH WITH THE HUGE TITS GOT FIRED TODAY? (2:39)

Figured. Of course, it was Adam. He was the only person you knew who’d be awake at this ungodly hour. And the only person you knew who’d disturb your peace if it meant curing anything that ailed him. Which was now about boredom, it seemed.

You read a few of his texts displayed on your lock screen before tapping one of the notifications and opening the app, scanning the rest of the unread messages.

Adam was going on about ‘that bitch with the huge tits’—her name was Tiffany, you were sure—and how she was rumored to have slept with an archangel to assume higher authority. He also went on to complain about how he didn’t have the chance to bed her anymore since she was basically deemed an outcast and that he couldn’t be seen with someone like her.

You frowned, not believing any of it, but you didn’t have time to think about it enough when he began typing again.

SO YOU’RE AWAKE (2:43)

You barely finished reading the new message when another one popped up.

DON’T IGNORE ME BITCH (2:43)

You frowned deeper, quick to type out a reply.

i’m not (2:43) i was just reading your texts (2:43) don’t worry (2:43) i’ll be there soon (2:44)

When he stopped typing, you placed your phone back on the nightstand, sitting up on your bed as you carefully wiped away your teary eyes. You hugged yourself for a moment, wings functioning as a cocoon while a hand tugged on your hair.

Today had been draining—both mentally and emotionally. Just like the day before, and the day before that. But you didn’t want to think about it, lest you start to cry some more and smear your face with tears this time. What mattered was that everyone was back on their feet again.

Since you didn’t bother changing into your sleepwear when you got home, you only checked your face in the mirror to see if your eyes were puffy or not. You then took in deep breaths, holding up your drooping wings before putting up a charming smile.

You couldn’t stay in the bathroom for long, quickly leaving to tread the path to Adam’s.

•••

“BOO!” Adam’s masked face suddenly peeked from the corner of his hallway, earning an indescribable scream from you as you jerked back. He burst out laughing, brows creased in confusion but also amusement. He couldn’t even make fun of you for getting scared. “What the—what the fuck was that scream?”

Recovering rather quickly as you blinked, you only smiled at him. You were expecting him to wait for you on his couch as his front door was left unlocked, but you weren’t complaining; his action took away any drowsiness you just had.

When Adam didn’t hear you laugh with him, his laughter subsided as he opened his eyes to look at your face. He raised his brows and placed the back of his hands on his hips. “What’s up with you?”

Shit. There was no way Adam was seeing through you.

“Nothing; I just love hearing you laugh.” You heard a tiny squeak in response. “Anyway, what did you make me come over for? Surely not just to scare me.” You moved past Adam and tightly crossed your arms, entering his spacious living room.

“Pshh, fuck no. You’re so easy to spook. Though that was a first. Didn’t know you could hit high notes, (Name).”

You didn’t know what to say to his…compliment? And sort of insult? Was it really either of them? Should you thank him? But in a sarcastic way? No, you weren’t known for being sarcastic, so he might think you were being genuine and look at you weirdly. And it would also seem highly egotistical.

Not as if Adam had much to say about that…

You tugged at your hair when you caught yourself with those thoughts. Shit, that’s so rude! You can’t think that! You shouldn’t think that!

You settled on an awkward chuckle, making yourself appear smaller as you averted your eyes to his TV space.

It was different, certainly. The modular couch pieces were rearranged into a pit sectional. And it looked as though he had chucked a bunch of pillows and one large blanket as an afterthought. It appeared messy, but at least it looked cozy.

“What’s this?”

“Hm? Oh, well, since you were taking your sweet ass time coming here, I thought to switch things up a bit.” You flinched when his head appeared right on your shoulder. “What’d ya think?”

“It looks super comfy.” Adam wore a goofy grin behind you as you walked closer to the area and noticed that he already prepared snacks on the low table. “Is this a way to say you wanna do a movie marathon?”

“You know it, baby.” He flew past you and landed on the sofa, patting the space beside him with a smile you just couldn’t reject.

•••

Heaven’s natural light beginning to peek through the open windows indicated that it was already dawn. Thank goodness you didn’t have work today.

You two—or rather, Adam—had settled on watching the film series, Die Hard. Every single one. You didn’t mind, but you didn’t understand why Adam invited you over if you two were just going to rewatch the film series for the eighth time.

He had also been pretty immersed in the large screen in front of him, so he hadn’t attempted to converse with you ever since the first movie started. In all honesty, he could have just watched them all by himself.

But you didn’t question it. This time was the same as the last seven, after all. You always concluded that maybe he just wanted someone to watch movies with, no talking necessary. Even if the no-talking part sounded a bit out of character.

Was it though? Because he did that quite often. For instance, he constantly brought you along to whatever mundane errands he had to do during the weekdays and never really talked with you unless he found something cool and pointed it out.

Although, the earlier times you tagged along with him on his errands, he kept yapping his mouth off about the ‘totally awesome’ things he does. He talked about music, his own albums, his band, women, sex, and himself as the first-ever man.

As time went on, however, the talking was replaced with silence. You wondered if he just ran out of things to say or if he found it unnecessary to talk anymore.

You also sometimes wondered what was going through his head when he thought you didn’t see him glancing at you while he was doing something he believed was boring.

The sound of Adam’s stomach rumbling broke you out of your train of thought.

You both looked at each other blankly as if either of you were to blame.

He blinked to break the eye contact between you. “(Name), I’m hungry.”

You snorted, facing ahead. “You ate all of our snacks before the first movie even finished.”

“Don’t blame me.” He hugged the pillow he held tighter. “I’m still fuckin’ hungry, though.”

You hummed as you reached for your pocket. “Do you want me to—oh. I…I forgot my phone.” You frowned. You never forget to bring your belongings.

Adam merely stared at you, unblinking.

You averted your eyes and held your legs tighter. “Uhm, We could get delivery if you want. Can you lend me your phone?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” He casually tossed you the device before laying on his back and looking up at you. “I’m down for anything.”

His phone hit your knee before you could catch it, silently landing on the cushions. “Are you sure?” You picked it up, opened his unlocked phone, and stared at his basic home screen.

He didn’t really use his phone that often to know that it could be changed. He only really used it to fetch one-night stands or occasional dates, text, play music aloud, look at outdated memes, take random blurry photos, and right now, order delivery.

“Totally.” His crow’s feet displayed on his mask as he puffed out his cheeks.

“Because last time you said that, you didn’t like what I had to pick.”

“That’s because the 5 ʼn 2 is so fucking overrated!” he suddenly started to complain. Your wings ruffled. “Jeez, I swear, every fuckin’ time I take a chick out and ask her what her favorite eatery is, basic bitches always go, ‘Oh, bREaD & fIsH, ceRTAinLy’ or ‘bReAD & FiSh’S a cLAsSIC’” He used his hand as a puppet to imitate their words before waving it. “Like, helloooo? Can’t you see the joint that’s literally on the other side of the street’s a hundred times superior? It’s cheaper, too, unlike Bread & Fish. Overpriced ass. You get me, right—?”

“Then you pick!” Adam jumped at your volume, and your eyes widened upon noticing yourself. You quickly gave back his phone as you turned your face away from him, and he slowly took it with a weird look.

“Shit, chill, (Name). The fuck’s up your ass?” He kept his gaze on you before turning to his phone.

While he was serious about his opinions of your bland tastes, he didn’t think it was that personal. Your preferences were the same as everyone else and that was boring. He was just being honest. And you usually didn’t take the things he said that seriously.

“Adam, I’m sorry,” you spoke up after a moment of silence and ran a hand through your hair. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“ʼs not a problem.” He was still a bit weirded out, but he was willing to shrug it off.

You insisted, however, “I mean it. I’m not mad at you.”

“Okay…?” he muttered when he saw a notification pop up from Lute. Her message consisted of how some of the exterminators got into a quarrel during roll call and the ones involved got injured in the process. She said she was going to discipline them.

Adam did not want to know what she meant by that and was most likely not going to stop by their place today.

“Really. I’m not. Sorry. It’s just that yesterday’s been…”

“Uh-huh…” At this point, Adam was not listening to anything you were saying. But when he still heard the static noise that was your words, he groaned. “Look, sweetie, I really don’t give a fuckin’ shit about your fuckin’ apology, ʼkay? I don’t fuckin’ care. Now what do you want?”

You saw Adam’s confused yet concerned expression after he looked up from his phone and immediately noticed that you were starting to cry. You instantly turned your face away as you carefully wiped your eyes.

“Sorry. Sorry. I’m not crying because of you.” You didn’t know if that was true. You didn’t know if you were crying because of his words or were crying because of everything else.

That was the first time he ever used a sweet petname for you in a long time. He only ever used that to demean or mock other people.

Shit. Stop thinking—you were going to cry more. But even after carefully wiping your eyes away, new tears kept flowing. You couldn’t stop. This was humiliating. You wanted to disappear. You didn’t want anyone to witness you in this state. It was mortifying.

“Shit.” Adam’s voice came out panicky as he held his hands out towards you, but he hesitated. Hesitated in what, he didn’t even know.

He…didn’t think you could cry.

Adam didn’t know what to do; this emotional shit wasn’t his thing. He couldn’t ask you to leave, he knew that much, but he didn’t want to leave himself. This was his place. Why should he leave?

So, he did the only thing he could do in this situation.

You suddenly felt something warm envelop you.

You didn’t look up, but you knew it was Adam. You could feel the texture of his robe on your hands and the side of your face. You could feel his hands on your shoulder blade, but you couldn’t quite feel his arms on you.

You stopped wiping your eyes for a moment.

No one had ever hugged you before when you were sad.

No one had ever let you be sad.

Adam heard you sob.

Fucking great. He made it worse. What the fuck was he supposed to do then?

But when he went to unwrap his arms, he felt yours slip around his midsection, pulling him closer than before as he grunted from your firm hold.

So you wanted to be hugged? Alright. Whatever.

Adam slowly hugged you back after you muttered a ‘sorry’ and loosened your grip.

The next seconds were silent, so when he heard muffled words coming from you, he looked down. You also looked up moments later when he didn’t respond, realizing he must’ve not heard you.

Your gaze softened as you two held eye contact, and with teary eyes, you smiled. “Thank you, Adam.”

Something about his expression changed, but before you could stare any longer, you felt a hand behind your head push you back to his chest as the arm on your back held you tight.

“Yeah, whatever…”

[katebishopsbow]

SOMEDAY IT WILL ALL BE OKAY • MAX VERSTAPPEN

pairing: max verstappen x driver!reader (platonic)

summary: watching kevin and his daughter, laura, playing together at the paddock makes you emotional as you remember the love that you never get to receive growing up. max is here to remind you that your past doesn't define you, and one day you will be okay.

tags: angst, hurt/comfort, daddy issues, mentions of absent parent

word count: 3.1k

author's notes: based on the real-life event of me tearing up when i saw that video of kmag's daughter playing with his visor. healing my own daddy issues one fic at a time :)

(image is not mine)

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

Kevin Magnussen is a great dad.

People can say whatever they want about his driving – aggressive and maybe a little dangerous sometimes – but there is no denying that he is an amazing father who puts his daughters above all else. The Dane is always joking about how his two little troublemakers have been giving him a constant headache, but the rest of the grid knows that he would do just about anything for his girls.

Occasionally, Louise likes bringing Laura and Agnes to the track to see their dad at work. Being a Formula 1 driver with all the hectic schedules and non-stop traveling means that family time together can often be difficult to come by, so Kevin cherishes all the time he gets to be as present in their lives as possible. 

The drivers all love it when the Magnussens visit the track, not only because Laura and Agnes are the sweetest little angels ever, but also because they get to witness the rare sight of Kevin “tough guy” Magnussen shedding his hard exterior and tease him about the heartwarmingly softer side he displays to his family. 

And while you would never admit this out loud, somewhere residing deep within you is envious – envious of this kind of love that you never got to receive. Sometimes when you look at Kevin interacting with his daughters – just sometimes – you find yourself wondering what it would be like to have a father who is present, who genuinely cares, who loves you with everything they have so much that you never have to doubt your worthiness.

･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.

You were standing with a few other drivers at the track, idly chatting about the upcoming race and your holiday plans now that the winter break is right around the corner when Kevin suddenly saunters nearby, holding the hand of the most adorable little girl. “Laura, come say hi!” he kneels down and says to her, sporting the biggest and most loving smile on his face as his daughter gives a shy little wave to the crowd of drivers before her.

“Hey there, Laura,” you wave at her, settling on a simple greeting since you have never been particularly great with children. “Hello, little one!” Lando greets with a wide grin as he offers Laura a fist bump, and the girl explodes into giggles when he pretends to yelp in pain at how hard Laura fist-bumped him. Classic Lando – always so good with kids.

“She’s got quite the punch, doesn’t she?” Kevin jokes while he chuckles at the sight, admiring the joyous smile on Laura’s face with the tenderest gaze he only reserves for his daughter. Becoming a father is the best thing that has happened to him, and he thanks the stars every day for being blessed with such precious gifts of life. Laura and Agnes – his biggest pride and joy.

“Here to be dad’s little assistant, Laura?” Max asks, his nose scrunching up in an adoring smile like the way it always does when he speaks to Penelope. The little girl nods bashfully before running to hide behind her dad, holding onto his hands as if he is her safe place, her rock.

Kevin laughs at his daughter’s endearing shyness, picks her up and envelops her in his embrace before placing a kiss on her rosy, chubby cheeks. “You’re the best assistant in the entire world,” he whispers softly, adoration swimming in his eyes while Laura lets out a giggle at her father’s words. The drivers around them cannot help but smile along with them – how can they not at such a heartwarming sight? 

Yet watching Kevin’s doting smiles and the way he looks at his daughter as if she is his entire universe, the initial warm fuzziness within you silently morphs into a dull ache that squeezes at your heart – an odd yet familiar feeling you know all too well. Despite your best efforts to push them away, your mind becomes clouded with hazy memories of the past – the painful past that has broken you and haunted you for years.

In the fogged-up memories of your childhood days, you were never at the receiving end of such an affectionate gaze. The only way your father has ever looked at you was indifference, annoyance, and a sense of uncaringness that tore your little heart up into pieces and left you wondering what you did wrong to be so undeserving of the fatherly love you yearned for. 

He never picked you up and hugged you as if you were a fragile treasure that he cherished. He never held your hand in a way that made you feel safe and certain that nothing could ever harm you because he would be your shield, protecting you from the world and its merciless cruelty. He never once made you feel loved and cared for, ignoring your attempts to gain his validation and approval because he loved himself and his ego more than he would ever love you. 

When you received good grades at school and showed him your report card with the rows of A’s, hoping that it would help you get his approval, he didn’t praise you. In fact, he didn’t bother saying anything. He simply gave you a half-hearted nod before shifting his attention back to the damned television screen in front of him, some uninteresting TV show that never should have mattered more than his daughter. So you stuffed the tear-stained report card back into your school bag, uncaring that it got crushed and crumpled, because in the end your hard work and effort didn’t matter. It never did.

When you had a rough day at school and came home with tears running down your cheeks, your father looked at you for a second, rolled his eyes and walked away. So that night you cried yourself to sleep as you soaked through your pillows with your wallowing tears, wishing that your dad could wrap you in his arms and tell you that everything would be okay. You knew that he could hear your sobs across the hallway, but chose to ignore you anyway. You wondered if he hated you that much, or was it simply because he never even cared to begin with?

And when he finally gathered all his belongings and disappeared from your life once and for all, you surprised yourself when you didn’t cry at the sight of the now-empty house. You had just felt empty and lonely – so painstakingly lonely. The kind of loneliness that seeped into your bones and slithered along your veins and consumed your soul. 

As you grew older, you became familiarized with that emptiness – comfortable with it even. You begin to find yourself pushing people away when they get too close, keeping most at arm's length because that seems like the safest option, breaking your own heart before others can do it because you never want to experience the same heartbreak your father has put you through.

Despite how painful it is, you hold onto that loneliness like a lifeline because how could you not when that’s the only thing you know? How could you love when you don’t even know what it feels like?

Even though it had been years since your dad had left, the emptiness he had left behind never seemed to fade away. They say time heals all wounds, but you call that bullshit, because then why does it still hurt like a fresh stab into the heart? 

Too deep in your storm of thoughts, you don’t realize the tears brimming in your glossy eyes and the way your lips quiver ever so slightly. “Hey… you okay there?” Charles, who is standing beside you, gives you an affectionate pat on the shoulders and whispers hushedly in your ear, worried at your sudden change in demeanor. Quickly nodding your head, you answer him with the best smile you can manage, “Yeah, just remembering some things.”

While most of the drivers still have their focus on Kevin and Laura, a few have also noticed your red-rimmed eyes and quietness. “What’s wrong?” Lando mouths the question silently toward you, eyes wide in concern as he tries not to shift everybody’s attention toward you. You shake your head and mouth “nothing” in reply to him as discreetly as possible, not wanting to ruin the group’s mood with your sudden sentiments. 

As much as you want to stay, you simply need to get away for a moment to recollect your thoughts. “Uh – There’s something I need from my driver’s room, so I’m gonna head off,” you hurriedly blink away the tears and put on the best smile – a skill you learned to master after years of being in the public’s eye. You hope that the excuse you just blurted out is somewhat believable, and you quickly disappear into the distance after your fellow drivers bid you goodbye. 

While making a beeline for your driver's room, you cannot help but feel so embarrassed, so guilty for the sudden burst of emotions that erupted in your chest moments ago. “What is wrong with me?” you mumble hushedly to yourself as you make your way to the garage – irritated and beyond annoyed at yourself that the mere sight of Kevin with his daughter is enough to bring you to tears. 

This isn’t something new to you. It isn’t the first time a good father-daughter relationship has made you tear up. Movies, TV shows, song lyrics – you always get so emotional when you allow yourself to get lost in your thoughts, thinking too deeply about the painful reminders of the love that you never have. 

It makes you feel stupid, because how broken do you have to be that trivial things like these are enough to make you cry? And it makes you feel scared, so utterly scared, because what if you were too broken to ever be capable of loving someone this much, too damaged to ever receive love despite yearning for it, and end up pushing away everyone who cares about you for the rest of your life.

When you arrive at your driver's room, you take a seat in the corner, breathing in and out while the self-blaming thoughts inside your head spiral in full force. This is so stupid, you are being stupid, and you hate yourself for being a fool and letting your past trauma affect you like this. Why were you even crying? There is nothing to be crying for. Stop. You need to stop.

Then you hear someone calling your name, voice faint and soft behind the door – Max. “You feeling okay?” he asks, and your delayed response and trembling voice as you answer him, “I’m fine.” are a clear enough indicator that you are far from okay. “Alright, I’m gonna come in now.” A sigh of mixed emotions falls from your lips – annoyance that you never seem to be able to lie to the man, and gratefulness that he always understands what you really need, and right now it is the company of your best friend.

“Hey, kiddo,” he says to you, eyebrows ceasing in sadness when he notices the expression on your face. Max hates seeing you like this, especially knowing the reason behind your tears is your absent father – someone who will never be worthy of having you cry over him. 

You wipe your eyes with the sleeve of your race suit, guilt weighing heavily on your chest as you apologize, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to ruin the mood back there. Did the other drivers notice?” Max shakes his head with a frown, refusing to let you blame yourself for something you should never feel guilty for. “You don’t have to be sorry, you did nothing wrong.”

“I don’t even know why I am crying, honestly. Why am I still so angry and sad after all these years? It’s like… am I always going to be like this, broken? Will the hurt ever go away?” you explain truthfully to him while trying to piece your muddle-up thoughts together, yet you struggle to put them into words. How can you begin to explain the years of trauma your dad has left behind? How can you describe the mess of emotions you have for him – the hatred, the resentment, and the fact that you still love and miss him so much even after everything he has done to you?

You don’t need to, because Max understands, he always does. One of the reasons why you two became close quickly is because you share a similar, troubled past – something that is rather unfortunate to bond over, you would argue, but it brings you a great friend nonetheless. Max’s father isn’t exactly absent like yours – Jos Verstappen is still quite prominent in his life, along with his abusive and manipulative ways of raising his kids which he would vehemently deny and claims to be “tough love” instead.

Even though he is there, it doesn’t change the painful truth that the presence of his father has ruined Max. For years, he thought being violent was the way to solve problems because his dad always seemed to be able to solve his with his fist. He used to believe that you had to be perfect to be deserving of good things in life because he grew up with the punishment of “no dinner” if he had performed poorly in a race. He didn’t know if he would ever be capable of loving someone, and then he met Kelly and Penelope.

“You know… when I first met Penelope, I was terrified. I was scared that I could never be a good enough father figure for her, that I was too ruined to show her the love she deserved to have. But then I saw her, and then I realized I love her more than anything,” he confesses as he places himself to sit beside you, a reminiscent smile dancing on his lips while he remembers his first time meeting Penelope, the little girl who has become his family.

He remembers the suffocating fear of ending up like his father when he first held the hands of little Penelope, mind plagued with all the horrible what-ifs. What if he was a terrible dad? What if he couldn’t ever love Penelope? What if he was just like Jos Verstappen and ended up destroying her childhood with his anger and temper the way his dad had with his?

Then Penelope gave him a sweet smile, her tiny hand holding onto his pinky as she looked into his eyes with such trust and comfort, as if she knew that Max would love her more than anything in the world. Max genuinely thought he was going to cry, his heart surging with an overwhelming amount of love and determination to protect the little girl in front of her and give her the home she and Kelly deserve to have, and that’s when he knew that he had nothing to be afraid of – that he was going to do better than his father.

“Listen, kiddo. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes the pain bearable. But there will be a day when your wound will still be there – it always will be there – but the pain and the hatred will no longer consume you. And you will realize that you can be better and stronger than your past, that you can break the cycle, that you are deserving of such unconditional love too.” You listen quietly to your best friend’s answer, exhaling a relieved sigh at the words you so desperately need to hear, giving you hope that despite all your trauma, one day you will be able to love with such certainty as well.

You are never too broken to love or be loved. You are not damaged goods that need repairing. You are not a monster for being intimidated by love and affection, for pushing people away even though you want more than anything for them to stay. You just need to allow yourself to heal from the hurtful past, to understand that your past trauma does not define you. You need to allow yourself to feel, to accept the depths of your emotions, to understand that your sadness and anger are always valid. You need to believe that you will be better than your father, that you will not follow in his footsteps, and that you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else. 

Feeling sentimental over this doesn’t make you stupid or a fool, it just makes you human. It is okay to cry over it, to be sad over it, as long as you remember that one day – while things will never be perfect –  it will certainly get better. 

“You’re gonna be okay,” Max tells you with a smile, reaching for your hand to give it a comforting squeeze, and you believe him. For once in a very long time, you genuinely believe that everything is going to be okay. The impact your father has on you will always be there. You can never wipe away the hurt and awful things he has done to you, nor can you simply erase the simultaneous love and hatred you hold for him, but one day you will learn to move on and find closure, and you are going to be okay, just like Max said.

There is a knock on the door, and you can hear your name being called again, this time in the soft and squeaky voice of a little girl. “I’m here,” you answer, and peeking behind the gap in the door is Laura with a cheeky grin on her face. Kevin leads her inside your driver's room with an apologetic smile, “Hey, sorry… Laura says she wants to play with you and insists that I bring her here.” 

You watch as Laura crawls up into the seat next to you and Max, looking at you with the brightest toothy little grin ever, and your lips begin pulling up into a huge smile as well. “Is it okay if she plays here for a while? I’ve got a team meeting in 5 and she never likes coming to those…” Kevin asks apologetically before relief floods his expression when you answer him, “It would be lovely to have a little playdate with Laura.”

“Alrighty, see you later little one,” Kevin leans down to place a kiss on his daughter’s head, reminding her to be a good kid when he is away for the meeting, and you smile at the sight. Not an envious one, or a reminiscent one, but one of contentment because you know that one day you will be able to receive and give such unconditional love to someone too.

Someday, it will be okay. You will be okay.

[softboo]

love me, ever so gently

pairing: austin butler x reader

summary: you recently moved to a new apartment, making new some eccentric friends along the way. but what you didn't expect was falling in love with a stranger. a stranger you somehow couldn't stop thinking about

words: 2.1k

warnings: depictions of domestic abuse, dark themes of relationships

author's note: i made this on an extremely impulsive whim and i have never been so terrified of posting this. my anxiety of trying to make this story went from writing this for three days straight to now suddenly having multiple parts. i'm literally almost done with part III so we'll see how far this goes. hopefully you like my very first fic... i haven't written in years... ehh... and thank you in advance for reading this :3

next part

part I

"you're either incredibly talented or horribly lousy."

george stated right before you tore down the stack of books from the pile. you groaned in frustration, ignoring that thing buried right under the surface of your heart. if bookstores and libraries could make something aesthetically pleasing, then so could you. just like you were able to do a year ago.

you huffed once more before starting the process over again.

george took your silence as a precautionary warning, tentatively placing a small cup of coffee next to you, hoping maybe a little space and some caffeine couldn't hurt your pride more than he did.

"as long as you don't make a mess, it makes my job a thousand times easier," he offered you a toothy, yet slightly lopsided grin before leaving you to your uncomplicated complicated endeavors.

george circled around the remaining tables that were also still being set up for the fair at the community center. you were a regular volunteer for these events, moreso because your neighbors invited you to them in the first place. one of your neighbors being george, who hobbled right back to where you were, smiling proudly at his empty tray.

"well, my services are done."

he flashed another innocent grin before leaving you be, "make sure you get that done before cass sees you!"

"george I'm going to throw this empty tray at you."

he let out a belly laugh, even though he was as thick as a twig. he pulled you over to him, wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

"there she is!"

you rolled your eyes at him, but couldn't help a smile. you still remember when you met him for the first time.

~ ~

your first week at the new apartment building was stressful enough, splitting your belongings in each individualized box and suitcase. and somehow through all that stress, someone as joyous as george just so happened to crash right into you with all of his groceries.

and he had this distinct smell, something between a book you haven't opened in years and an old worn out knitted sweater. at the time, he greeted you like you've been friends for years, something you deeply missed when you moved away from your hometown. from everyone.

"welcome to the neighborhood!!" he screamed in your ear, forgetting his hearing aids before he left for the store. you let out a polite, yet awkward, kind of laugh, thanking him for his very enthusiastic greeting. it's funny to look back on it now, a stranger you would've never imagined becoming friends with. including everyone else you met along the way.

~ ~

evelyn and cassandra peered from the hallway behind you, coming from the kitchen. cassandra with her big box of jewelry for her stand, while evelyn followed suit.

"did george call me cass again? i hate when he calls me cass. it sounds like ass."

"because you are an ass."

cassandra shot him a quick glaring look before he started laughing again, placing her boxes down. she pointed a shaky finger at him.

"you know one of these days, i really hope i end up dying before you. i can't stand that laugh of yours." she grumbled, which made you laugh.

"can't keep a happy man down cass. you're stuck with me forever," he bellowed, leaving a messy kiss on her cheek before she swatted him away. george dramatically saluted them before hobbling away again, wanting to mingle and socialize before the fair officially opens.

cassandra gathered her things once more as she eyed your table with a sense of pride.

"you never cease to amazing me sweetie. i always love how you decorate your books."

her words swelled in your heart and that thing that was buried right under the surface dissipated, only just for a moment. and you were completely and utterly okay with that.

"thanks cassie..." your voice drifting ever so softly. like she was going to catch it in the end like she always does.

~ ~

when you met cassandra last year, you heard her voice before you saw her. you were seated at the lobby of your apartment building, waiting for a blind date that never picked you up. it was about two hours before you decided to call it and when you looked up, you saw her.

she was a bright eyed woman, her grey hair tossed behind a small pink scarf, something you've only seen worn a few times or rather only in movies. she looked at you with a look of concern. you weren't crying of course, why waste tears on some stranger right?

but you got your hopes up immensely high and someone as experienced in her years as she was, she could tell a disappointed look when she saw one.

"oh my dear, what's the matter? are you hurt?"

you shook your head no, having no energy to formally respond with a voice.

"come here love, let's bring you back home. do you live here?"

you nodded.

she waddled her way towards you, keeping you close to her. she was a tiny woman, hunched over slightly as she led you to the elevator. once you were both inside, she asked what floor you were on and pressed the appropriate button for you. her floor being the one below yours.

"sorry we have to stop at mine first..." she began and you shook her head to stop her.

"don't be. it's okay... i was heading up anyway." you finally had strength to talk again, "i should be saying sorry for keeping you from getting home."

she scoffed at your response, displaying one of the warmest smiles you've ever seen.

"sweetie, you're doing me a favor."

the elevator dinged and opened to her floor, the woman turning to walk out.

"i am?" you asked her and she nodded, standing outside the elevator doors.

"yes. because no man deserves to make someone as lovely as you this sad."

your face went from feeling defeated to utter confusion as the woman smiled again. this time knowing exactly what you were going to ask.

"i know disappointment when i see it."

and just like that, the elevator door closed.

~ ~

"how are you feeling otherwise?" cassandra asked you, momentarily glancing over at your beautiful table.

"better. only sometimes," you responded, a lump suddenly appearing in your throat. feeling as if you were half lying somewhere.

"that's okay. just remember that someone who's broken you then doesn't deserve to break you now," she gently held your cheek, looking at you as if for the first time again.

"and besides, who knows who you'll might meet today."

~ ~

cassandra's words rung in your ears, weighing heavy on a hopelessly romantic heart. being alone was easy and you weren't lying if you admitted that to anyone because it was true. that was one of the perks of moving here, along with meeting all of your new friends.

but being lonely... that was difficult. especially when the fall season would blend into the holidays. one night after the other. because everyone seemed to find their someone by the times gifts were supposed to be given. which is why you wanted to put everything into the community fair this year.

and because heartbreak anniversaries were apparently a thing on your calendar.

you glanced over at your table, the last few books lingered for awhile. some people glancing over at them, while others would pick it up just to place it back down again. you didn't really know why seeing a book not being chosen hurt a small part of you. but it did.

or maybe you knew but didn't want to face it.

soon enough, you noticed someone hovering near the entrance, like he was contemplating whether or not to let his curiousity get the best of him. it may have been a little more than an hour or so when he actually approached your table.

you quickly stood up in response, as you noticed him eyeing a few of the older books. his hands lingered on each cover, not saying a word. his hair was blonde, wavy and messy, like he'd just woken up. the rest of him was covered by a black mask.

you did notice the way his hands moved though, hesitating to pick something. shaking a bit, a shadow crossed your peripheral and you could've sworn you saw a bruise somewhere on his knuckles.

"do you need help finding anything?" your voice coming out a lot softer than you had hoped. he looked up and you felt this entire weight lift off of you. like something encapsulating you just shattered into a million pieces and suddenly you could breathe again.

his eyes were so blue, like you were swimming in this endless ocean full of life and somehow you couldn't tell the difference between the stillness of the water or the blueness of the sky.

you could see a slight smiling forming on his face before he shook his head no.

"oh well if you want anything... i really recommend any of the classics."

his eyes glimmered a bit, letting his hand linger on one of the few books he was eyeing before.

"how much is it?" his deep tone caught you by surprise as you hesitated to respond. your own voice catching in your throat.

"oh um... everything is free."

"really?"

and just like that, you noticed something switch in him, a sense of curiosity filling those calm waters.

"which ones have you read so far?"

you didn't realize it, but your eyes lit up at the question. and he noticed. a small smile forming on his face.

"oh this one is my favorite... i haven't finished it, but it was really good from where i left off," you pointed at pride and prejudice.

you smiled at him, like your excitement was taking over and he could tell how much you loved talking about books. his gaze never wavering as you spoke about the stories that overwhelmed you and the others that never lasted a few pages before you decided to stop. he listened with such intent, such intrigue, it made you feel like you were someone he had known for years.

his aura was beautiful and a part of you wished that something would lead to something which would lead to something else. you didn't even feel anything in that regard, not yet anyway, but that same part. it was pulling... gently. ever so gently tugging at your heart.

"thank you for all of your recommendations," he began, holding on to ever single book you spoke about. you were about to protest that he didn't have to, but he was adament on keeping every single one.

"are you sure you want to get all of them?" your voice wavering on worry, but all he did was smile at you, letting out a soft laugh.

"i'm sure."

his voice was so reassuring, you almost forgot to offer him a bag. there was a slight pause before you realized, eyes widened in embarrassment.

you quickly apologized to him, running to the back to get a bag. you left the table feeling this overwhelming warmness flow through you as you noticed your heart beating against your chest. you tried to hide the excitement, but your heart was already getting your hopes too high.

but when you came back, your heart instantly dropped right into your stomach. a woman was now standing next to him, but something was different in his eyes. the oceans were no longer waves crashing against the seashore. they were climbing under thunderstorms. drowning in its own current.

her hair was dark red in color, flowing to accentuate the curves of her body. she was unbelievably gorgeous and your heart sank even more. but there was something about her that you couldn't figure out.

"here's your bag, i didn't mean to—"

"why your table is absolutely gorgeous, isn't it austin?"

he didn't glance at you or her or anyone. all he did was nod. you noticed the grip she had on his arm. it was tight. suffocating.

you offered the bag to them, but she shooed your hand away, like you were merely just a bug.

"no need sweetie, we were just on our way out. he was just looking anyway."

you tried your best to keep your composure, but you were fuming on the inside. only cassandra could call you that and at least when she did, it was endearing. not spiteful.

she flashed you the biggest smile that fueled your fire even more as she pulled austin away. you noticed him stiffen when they left the table. he couldn't even look at you.

and he couldn't even say goodbye.

[deramin2]

Absolutely love that Marisha was probably going to make a tamer choice, but Matt saw the perfect opportunity to push her as a Delilah, and really feed Laudna's paranoia. I think that really pushed her over the edge and Marisha fully ran with it.

And Liam really thought through what he knew (this was Laudna and she's being manipulated by Delilah but not intentionally hurting Orym), vs. what Orym knew (something he couldn't see attacked him in his sleep and he needs to defend himself from it because he had no idea what it's intentions were and has every reason to assume it's trying to kill all of them). Honestly Orym remained pretty defensive overall. Love that they both learned into how much both of them felt totally justified and like they were defending the party from harmful corrupting influence.

———

I'm someone with mental health problems that cause intrusive thoughts that can make me feel so absolutely certain that I'm justified in viewing other people as being intentionally harmful and lash out at them. In the moment it feels completely justified and righteous and a truth other people need to hear even though they'll resist it. I try really, really hard to resist expressing those thoughts. I try to remind myself I will end up regretting it and pushing people away permanently who (justifiably) won't put up with that treatment.

But sometimes it's so strong or I'm so triggered by the awfulness around me and despair that it escapes me. It feels like everyone else is lying to justify evil and I'm sick of it. Consequences be damned. It feels protective of other vulnerable people. And then I lash out and say things I regret and get yelled and blocked or dropped or otherwise lose people in my life and get more and more isolated. And feel like they're totally justified because really it's me who's the evil monster and need to be isolated for other prep people's protection because I can't be trusted and can't be better. I don't even want anyone too comfort me or love me because they don't deserve to be hurt by me eventually. (I'm not saying that's actually true, but that's how I feel and it feels very real to me while it's happening.)

———

Marisha absolutely nailed that depiction. In an ongoing way but particularly in CR C3 E95. And I love that it came right off the joyous mania of the shopping spree for and crafting season where they were all bonding and making plans for the future and letting off steam. But then she was triggered and all of that didn't matter. Off anything the strength of those emotions was a pendulum whose momentum helped her distress swing harder in the other direction.

She was triggered, and Delilah was a second layer of intrusive thoughts that made her feel so sure of her feelings and actions. 100% justified as Marisha said. And she would have been totally justified in just waking Orym up and having a conversation about the sword and at least putting it in the Bag of Holding overnight until they could make a long term decision. I think that's what Marisha was planning to do until Delilah showed up. She wasn't justified in hurting Orym in a unilateral decision that she should feed the sword to Delilah. Her thoughts were very real to get but not based on facts. Whatever her intentions she hurt Orym and avoided apologizing.

And I loved how Imogen pushed back this time. So often she's enabled Laudna because she loves her wants to comfort her. But this time I think she saw that's not what Laudna needs. She needs someone to check her and keep her from escalating. She's feeling complicated feelings right now because she loves Laudna, but she hates Delilah and what Delilah is getting Laudna to do. Like the partner of an addict who loves them, but hates what the substance is doing to them and how they're acting to feed that addiction. I can't wait to see how that plays out in the future.

The whole thing was incredibly real representation to me. This is an incredibly triggering situation that they're all in and they're all crumbling in the face of it. Chetney and Orym both made deals with Nana Mori. Chetney for fame, Orym for power. Ashton secretly took the fire primordial shard and nearly killed themselves in front of Fearne and then the other others. Imogen tried to flip her mom on the cult that's indoctrinated her for decades. FCG did blow himself up. Fearne was lured away by her shitbag sperm donor in the night so he could try to kill her and have a copy take her place. Dorian watched Lolth's crown take over Opal, his brother die, and his friends scattered. Laudna is feeding Delilah's power. None of them are okay and they're all being totally reckless. They're both bonding over their recklessness and being pushed apart by it. Can't wait to see what happens next.

[luffyvace]

Boa Hancock & Neferatari Vivi x female reader for women’s day!!

ik I’m late to women’s day guys!! But I’m still gonna participate! (Totally not an excuse to write for some of my fav op girls that I haven’t written much for yet)

Hancock x a fem reader would be like the ultimate alternative timeline to her not falling in love with luffy lol

let’s say your in the kuja pirates specifically,

that would make more sense as to how you got closer since your on the same crew and obviously get to interact with her more versus just fan girling in the crowd lolol 😂

just the same as luffy, she’d realized her love for you after getting worried for your safety and feeling ill (love sick 😀) mid expedition at the fact that you might be hurt

when everyone gets back to the boat she tried to unsuspectingly scope you out (tried because she was actually frantically searching for someone and wouldn’t say who as everyone panicked-) and as soon as she saw you she sighed in relief! But soon after, she started blushing and she felt a warm fuzzy feeling!

what was this? Is this what they call..? Love?!

it was such a joyous feeling..! She couldn’t believe she was feeling such intense emotions at your presence alone!

”Lady hebihime!! Are you all right?!”

”Lady hebihime!! Are you all right?!”

”Lady hebihime!! Are you all right?!”

”all right..!”

”right..!”

”right..”

Your words echoed over and over again in Hancock’s spinning head. You..we’re worrying for her?! Your so…kind!- So!- so!- your such a selfless woman!!

and yeah that’s pretty much how it went HAHAH

you can pretty much guess you’ll get special treatment from then on, she’s in love with you after all!! Naturally it’s her duty to protect her lover! 😊 (you haven’t even asked her out yet Hancock! - Glorisa)

she invites you into the palace and gives you the best food and treatment straight away!! Put your feet up dear! Are you hot? tired? Do you need water?? “Hurry up and bring the giant fans! My lover is hot!”

no pun intended even though you are 😉

“lover..? Lady hebihime..! May I ask what your talking about..😅”

”o-oh! W-well..I was just thinking…maybe…we could go on a date..?! ☺️😅”

“ME?? Hebihime!! I- I’m honored but what brought this about?! This is….strangely sudden, you know? Not trying to be rude!-”

”Hancock!”

”eh??- I mean!- hebihim-”

”Hancock!! Y-you..can call me Hancock..if you’d like!- I mean if you’d prefer to call me something else like a pet name, honey or dear m-maybe-…!”

”But!- hebihime-”

“-And to answer your question! What brought this about……I’m not sure myself…I have no idea actually, I found myself worrying about you and when I saw you again….When I saw you..! When I…..Kyaaa! 😍”

”Hancock!! Are you all right?! What happened!?

“ !!….You…! You!- You said my name!! This must be..! This must be!! What they call!- Engagement!~ 😍😍”

”huh?? 😀 hebihime?-“

“No! Go back! Don’t call me hebihime anymore!! We’re getting married next month so!- So call me by my name from now on! Okay honey?! 😍💗”

*mutters while being carried bridal style by Hancock* “I’m getting married…to the hebihime..😵‍💫💫”

and yes you actually did get married the next month :)

being the wife of the pirate empress is the liiiife 😎👍 you get whatever you want, whenever you want and however much you want of it!! Without a question! Your words are as absolute as sold gold on the island of women! Hancock will likely even ignore elder nyon/Glorisa for you <3

and yeah you can pretty much just imagine your dream life for the rest! Expect that to become your reality when married to Hancock bc even thanos snap can’t compare 🗿😭

Vivi is such an awesome girl - honorable mention okay? 😤👏

let’s say your not a straw hat tho :) just for funzies :3 imagine you’ve lived on alabasta just as long as she has and even infiltrated Baroque works with her. And also helped save alabasta!

best friends to lovers anyone?? Lesbian edition >:> 👩‍❤️‍👩 🧡🤍💖🏳️‍🌈

after it’s all said and done, and crocodile is defeated, you two say cya to the straw hats and you help Vivi rebuild her kingdom

somewhere during the time things start looking up as for alabasta’s cleanup, she confesses! Oops spoiler :}

“hey!!..I’ve been looking all over for you 😅”

“Oh hey Vivi! What is it?”

”oh nothing I just, well it’s not nothing…can we talk? Uh- you know..in private?”

”oh yeah sure! Come inside I was just cleaning up heheh, excuse the mess..”

“It’s nothing! Really, it’s fine no need to be so formal…we’re close, right?”

“Yeah :) what is it you wanted to talk about though? Is it something bad I’m nervous 😃”

”Oh! Nononono! Nothing bad nothing bad!-“

*sigh of relief* “hah, that’s good 😅”

*awkward yet adorable giggles come from both you and Vivi*

“well..what I wanted to talk about was…us, as in…who we are”

“Oh no Vivi don’t come out and tell me we’re aliens now we’ve barely finished cleaning up alabasta! 😭😂😂”

”what?? Hey! No! I-I’m trying to be serious here! 🤦‍♀️“

”OH! Oops 😄 go ahead go ahead!”

“I meant who we are as in, as a….relationship! Like- um..we’re friends right? Soo..if we could be……”

“Vivi..you mean..?”

”YEAH! 😭😅 I mean if- if we could be..more, if- if you want if not we can just stay friends-“

”No! I- hahah, I honestly never thought you’d ask, like- literally! I’ve kinda been waiting but you never did so is assumed-“

lots of awkward laughing and explaining of feelings ensue from there 💗(🏳️‍🌈😜)

actually being in a relationship with her includes training, yes training, because you never know what could happen. Just as crocodile happened and no one knew he would. So from now on she wants to be prepared, she refuses to be blindsided again—for the sake of her people!

she’s a cute mix of awkward, kind and a tad bit shy 💗 it’s like, she almost wouldn’t know how to act around you if you weren’t so close, but you are! So that makes things easier :)

she’s highly knowledgeable and I feel she’d have quiet a bit of hobbies. if you like to do similar things she’d love to partake in those activities with you! But if you have different interests, exploring each one as you teach her about them would be fun too! <3

Vivi is a literally princess, which means as her lover you get princess treatment! 😘 (all puns intended) She can afford it after all! Pell and Vivi’s father would adore you! You make Vivi so happy, how can they not?!

she talks about you more often than you know 🤫 “Dad!! Don’t tell her that!- it’s kind of embarrassing you know?!” oops Vivi heard him

well anyway 😊

Vivi is a very caring and protective lover as seen with Nami (when she stayed by her side the whole time she was ill). So of course that’s not any different when it comes to you, it’s highly likely Vivi knows first aid so if you get a minor injury? Be more careful!! 🩹❤️‍🩹💋 A major injury?! Hurry! Rush her to the royal hospital! Quickly! Giver her the best treatment! It’s okay, relax, she’s here 💖

Vivi will be with you through thick and thin and her loyalty is unwavering. She may not be the strongest banana in the bunch but she’ll certainly defend you with all she has if it comes down to it! 😤💪

Also!!! Can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this yet!!- Karoo!!!! Karoo loves you <33 Vivi thinks your bond is adorable, especially how Karoo always lets you ride on him :} you bring him snacks and drinks and he runs to you each time. If your tired of walking he’ll carry you without complaints as well so that’s a perk!

I feel the other spot billed ducks would love you as well! Karoo probably tells them how great you are 🤗 You might even like one of them enough to make them your duck! (I would, they seem cooler than a freezer 😎👍)

Okayyy~ lovely readers, followers and anyone new here..!

I hope you enjoyed these headcanons!!~

[lady-maracas]

My saviour

Pairing: Angel Dust x M!Reader

Word count: 1,3k

Warnings: Swearing, Angel being his normal flirty self (we love him for it).

Masterlist

I’ll be using fluff prompts:

#8, “I haven’t laughed like this in a long time.”

#9, “Hold still, this might hurt a little.”

#10, “I just wanted to thank you, for saving me.”

Life itself in Pentagram City was usually out of the ordinary. In other words, sinners did a lot of weird shit, which could make oneself feel uneasy. Today was just like the days before: shitty. You worked from 9 to 5, felt exhausted, went grocery shopping for the weekend and as the cherry on top, being harassed on the street by a random sinner. Lovely!

As you were on your way back to your place, an annoying ringing snapped you out of your thoughts: your cellphone. Slowly, you pulled it out of your back pocket to see who the hell dared to call you now.

Angel<3

Your frown immediately disappeared when you realized it was Angel Dust, one of your best friends, your party buddy. You answered the call:

“Hey!” You joyfully said.

“Ow, ow. Too much joy! What is up with you?” The voice on the other line answered. “I thought you were supposed to work all day?” He added.

“I did! I feel like shit right now!” You kept your joyous tone, “But now that I hear your beautiful voice, my day is actually better!”

“I don’t know what is up with you Toots, but I really want to get drunk tonight. ‘You in?” Angel said.

“You just read my mind! I’ll meet you there at 10!”

“Alright, you better lose some of that cheerfulness before then, you’re starting to sound like Charlie, shit.” He nonchalantly said. You knew that act was making him uncomfortable, you lived to tease him.

“Fuck you! Goodbye!” You hung the line and practically skipped all the way to your place.

Tonight was going to be fun! Right?

///

When you arrived at the club, you immediately realized the place was packed tonight. You almost changed your mind and went back home when you spotted Angel in the crowd, slightly taller and most sinners.

You made your way to him, “Hey, party buddy! Are you ready to have the night of your life?” You extended your arms for a hug, which he returned.

“Absolutely, and I personally think it’d be even better if it ended with you and me in my bed.” He winked playfully, which made you blush, “I’m just kidding, but by the look on your face you wouldn’t be opposed to that!” He laughed while making his way to the bar.

You stood there, a bit shocked, trying to hide the blush that rose on your cheeks due to his comment, and decided to follow him.

“What can we serve you tonight, fellows?” The bartender asked.

Angel and you both looked at each other and said in unison:

“Something strong.”

///

Almost an hour later, or maybe more than that, who knows, you stopped tracking the time after your fourth drink, you still stood at the bar with Angel. You were telling him a story that happened earlier at work.

“-And then the lady left and I said ‘don’t let the door hit you on the way out’ and guess what happened! It actually did! She opened it the wrong way and crashed into it!” You wheezed at your own story, almost spilling your drink.

Angel’s reaction matched yours, he leaned across the bar while he held his stomach with one hand, trying to keep breathing but failing miserably.

“Damn,” He wiped the tears from his eyes due to laughter. “I gotta tell you Toots, I haven’t laughed like this in a long time!”

You knew Angel was going through tough times, mostly because of his deal with Valentino. Knowing you made his day better and seeing him genuinely laugh made your heart flutter.

“Fuck yeah! I laughed so hard then, the lady became red with anger! She must’ve been ashamed!” You added.

Then, your stomach started revolting itself and made you stop dead in your tracks. “I need some fresh air.”

You pushed your way through the crowd, trying your best to not hurt anyone on your way out. As soon as the outside air hit you, your stomach basically thanked you and settled down.

You walked a bit, making sure you were feeling better, before you saw an ugly sinner make his way up to you. ‘Ugh, no!’.

“What’s a lovely thing like you doing outside all alone?” He stood close to you, making you insanely uncomfortable.

“Okay firstly, I’m a dude, second, I’m not alone.” There it is, your stomach felt sick again, and you knew it wasn’t from the alcohol.

“It’s alright sugar, I’m into those things.” He tried to hold you but you pushed him away.

“Leave me alone, I don’t have the time for this.” You leaned over, getting ready if your stomach decided to finally get rid of the poison you’ve been drinking.

“Listen you little cunt.” He grabbed the collar of your shirt. You could feel his disgusting breath on your face. “You gonna get on your knees and do what I ask of you, understand?”

“Fuck no!” You resisted, there was no way this was happening to you.

That’s when you felt it. The sharp pain on your side, just below your ribs. You suddenly felt hot, burning hot.

‘The fucker stabbed me?’

Then, the sinner was lifted off the ground by something, someone taller than him.

Angel.

“That was a very bad choice, shortie. I suggest you leave this gentleman alone and fuck off!” Angel practically screamed at the sinner, trying his best to not murder him.

All the while this happened, your vision started to get blurry, and your ears ringed. And then,

Nothing.

//

You woke up from your slumber, totally disoriented. As you looked around the room you were in, you could see the old tapestry that covered the walls. Old wooden furniture, a light that dimly lit the run down room.

As you put all the pieces together, the door opened slowly, making a creaking sound that made shivers run up your spine. ‘Did I fucking get kidnapped?’

“Heya sleeping beauty, did you sleep well?” ‘Oh thank heavens’, it’s Angel. That means we’re in-

“No, nuh uh,” you tried to get up from the bed you took your little rest in. “No way you took me to your tacky Hotel Angel, I’m getting out.”

He put a hand on your chest, keeping you from getting any further. “Sit the fuck back down,” He pushed me back on the bed. “First, this isn’t my Hotel, and second, this is where I live now, whether you like it or not.”

You whined a bit, part of it because he was right, and the other part was because your side hurt like, a lot.

“We better get you stitched up, before it gets infected.” He settled down a first aid kit on the side table and pulled out of it a needle and some thread. “You’re gonna have to pull your shirt up, Toots.” He looked at you up and down.

You shook your head no. There was no way he was stitching your skin back together, ew!

“Don’t be a baby, I have done things multiple times, I know what I’m doing! ‘Cmon.”

You slowly lifted your shirt, making sure you didn’t touch your wound in the process. You tried to not look at it, but curiosity took the best of you. That was fucking disgusting.

“Hold still, this might hurt a little.” With that, Angel began his work, closing your wound stitch by stitch. You bit your lip, hiding the fact that it hurt like a bitch. When the work was done, you released a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“There you go! As good as new!” He closed the first aid kit and gave you a smile. “You can stay here for the night, while you get some rest.”

“Thank you, Angel.” You sighed, the entirety of the night finally pushing down on you. “I just want to thank you, for saving me.” You smiled up at him.

“Don’t mention it! And hey, I told you the night would end up with you in my bed!” He playfully smirked and left the room.

‘Oh this is the start of something good.’

\\\

Heya readers! This is my first HH one shot and the first one I’ve written in a while. I know I’m a bit rusty but bear with me! Thank you for reading and if you have any requests, feel free to ask me!

Seeya!

[offical-ouroboros]

I Love You

John Doe x Reader Blurb

CW: Unhealthy Relationship, Referenced Kidnapping/Captive Reader, General Relationship Angst from Yandere Doe, Author Projecting on You

Literally just wrote this because I'm sleep deprived and wanted to post some angst id normally write in a doc or something LOL

He didn't understand why you were crying. Why you were ignoring him. Why you seemed so scared when he came near you. Of course, he liked seeing you scared. He liked your tears. He liked how jumpy you were. But... Not like this.

"You... Look at me." He whines, reaching out to touch your arm before pausing as you flinch. "You, what's wrong? Did something happen?" His voice is full of concern.

You can't muster up the energy to even respond with a sound.

"My love?" Doe brings himself to force you into a hug, no longer minding it as you tremble and try to shake him off. "Talk to me, You! I miss your voice..."

You don't want to look at him. You don't want to talk to him. You don't want to be anywhere near him. But you can't escape. Whatever he is... You're just trapped. Wherever you go in his 'house' he'll find you. The front door, the windows- It all leads to a terrifying abyssal mess that you're sure would kill you if it had the chance. You're safest with him. For now, at least.

He takes a deep inhale of your scent, sighing as he nuzzles into you. His arms are wrapped around yours, and his hair is smothering you as it coils and clings with an equally deranged need for you.

"You...?" He speaks up again. "I love you.~"

I love you. You hated how he said that- You knew he meant it, to an extent. But...

"I love love love you!" He repeats, grinning as he rolls his head against yours. "Don't you love me too?"

No. You didn't. How could you? He'd... Taken you. You barely knew him!

~ "Can I come home with you?" He'd asked. Of course you said no- This man was on the bus you took to work, then showed up there too- Who knows how long he'd been watching you?

It didn't matter what you said. Because soon enough, he'd shown up in your home. You told him to leave- And when he wouldn't, you tried to leave your self. But the second you turned around, you realized something was wrong. Your house... Wasn't yours.

It was his.

You didn't understand how it happened, or why, but now you were here.

It had been a day, maybe. You couldn't tell. It didn't matter. All that mattered to him is you were there. ~

"Doe." You say softly, and he immediately becomes ecstatic. "Yes, You? What is it, my love?" His hyper voice hurts your ear as he talks so loud. With the flinch you make, he seems to understand.

"I want to go home." You continued. His joyous persona faded a bit. "What do you mean, You? You are home! You're with me!"

"No. I want to be at my house." You say a bit more sternly.

His smile is a bit more forced now as he moves uncomfortably. You can keep telling him that all you want- He hates the idea.

"But... You? I love you! Why do you want to leave?" He can't even comprehend why you're uncomfortable in this situation.

It could take a few minutes, days- Might never happen. But hopefully, one day he finally caves. With a lot of guilt on both sides.

- "Doe, you don't do this to someone you love." You reason while trying to stay calm. "I want to go outside. I wanna see the sky- Feel nature under me- Have fresh air."

He lets out a soft whimper, similar to a dog. "But, You-"

"No, Doe." You don't let him finish whatever he's planning to say to make you feel bad for wanting to leave. "This isn't normal. I want to leave. Now."

You hate the feeling as it hurts you to raise your voice at him, to use a negative tone with him. But you have to. If there's any chance of you loving him back, he needs to let you go.

The look on his face is so... Scared. If he could cry, he would.

You look away, taking a deep breath. "Doe..." Your voice is much more gentle now, and he anxiously awaits your words.

"I just want to go back to my house." You start to explain. "I want to go home. I want to go outside. I want to do... Anything. Anything outside of here. It doesn't mean I'm leaving you."

He's holding his jacket and trembling.

"I'm not like you. I can't just stay cooped up like this. And you can't make me stay here and claim to love me."

"But I-"

"I know. You do love me. That's what you're going to say, isn't it?"

He tenses up more. It looked like he was almost breaking under the stress. You hesitate in your mind, eventually reaching out to touch him.

"I understand you don't want to be alone. I know... You love me. But right now, I can't feel the same. Let me go. Take me back to my house. You can stay near me. I just... Need a break."

He's quiet.

" . . . Do you promise you won't leave me, You?"

Silence.

You sigh, pulling him into a hug.

"I promise I won't leave you, Doe."

[mccnstruck]

hold me like you understand.

characters: kazuha x gn!reader

tags: TW!!: implied depression and $u!cida! thoughts, mention of sh, vent fic, op is going through it, not proofread, hurt/comfort, kissing, the ending sucks

a/n: sorry guys 😭

the people down in the shops wandered around, yelling prices and selling different products. kids ran outside with the ball, yelling and laughing underneath the joyous warmth of the sun. friends gathered to drink tea, warriors trained amidst the green fields.

the wooden floor began to slide underneath your bed, yet you didn't seem to care; your eyes unfocused and stoic. your bed piled with clothes of the past day, your blanket had a eerie smell of sickness, yet you didn’t seem to care; you hands were too weak to pull the blanket over you fully. your throat felt like sandpaper and your stomach yearned for at least a small meal, yet you didn’t seem to care, your lips broken and bleeding.

nothing really mattered anymore, did it? it felt like weeks have turned into days, and your sense of time slipped away from the grasp of your fingers. you were too tired to grasp it back; letting reality slip away. nothing really mattered, did it? the red scars testing the fragility of your skin, the cold air making the hairs on your skin stand. your desk remained clattered of the endless amount of work given to you 2 days prior. your eyes consisted of red, either because of the 2 hours of sleep or the tears that fell onto your bed.

when was the last time someone had visited you? now that you think about it, when was the last time you talked to someone out of your own desire..?

it didn’t matter anyways. they wouldn’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t even know how to take care of themselves.

so, you laid there for a undefined amount of time. the soft promises of warmth and comfort from your bed soon turned into a confined suffocation; forced to face the thoughts in your head.

your chest hurt. you were tired. you wished you could see light, literally and figuratively. would you feel some relief? or would that light overwhelm you; the burdens of life forcing you back into the darkness of your room?

there’s nothing for you here. all of your loved ones were better off if they weren’t forced with the burden of acknowledging you anyways.

and yet, the knock on your door says otherwise.

a soft voice echoes through the walls of your home. “[name]?”

kazuha? what was he doing here?

your voice cracks, yet somehow you find the power to reply.

“sorry, give me a minute…!”

with the task of not disappointing kazuha, you rushed to get up and change into the clothes on your bed. your legs almost crumble after curling up into a ball for so long, yet you will yourself to walk to the main door.

you squint your eyes when you peek outside to see kazuha with something in his hands. the light of another day shined into your home from the crack of the door. kazuha softly laughed when he saw two eyes peek back at him.

“hello, you. i just wanted to pop in, if you don’t mind? it’s been a while, and i would like to spend some time with you.”

“um, its really messy inside…”

“i don’t mind. well, unless you want me to go? i don’t mind either way. whatever you wish.”

you don’t want kazuha to see the calamity of your home. but having him over would be nice.

“…promise you won’t judge?”

“of course, dear.”

you opened the door some more for him to enter. as he walked in, his eyes widened. your home looked dim and felt stiff. he looked at you in your entirety to see dark eye bags, unkempt clothes and tear stains marking your face.

he placed down the bag in his hands and moved closer to you, his crimson eyes dilated in fear of losing you to your thoughts. “my love…what happened?”

your voice cracked. your hands began to shake at his question. “it’s…. it’s been a rough few weeks. i’m sorry.”

he held your hands with caution, and let his lips linger on your skin. “don’t be sorry for not feeling alright. you should’ve told me of the thoughts that lingered in your head.”

he tugged on your hands, and you followed him to your kitchen. he sat you down on the chair and walked behind the counter.

"do you wish for a specifc food?"

"kazuha..."

"shh. let us make something, ok?"

he began to work with what you had, humming to a tune you weren't familiar with. he paced around the kitchen, while asking you where things were. you pointed to each cabinet, naming what was in there and what needed to be restocked. kazuha smiled and made his way to you to kiss your cheek. his lips lingered onto your skin and whispered, "thank you for helping me, dove."

soon, the spoons clicked at the bottom of the bowl, and your stomach was content with finally consuming something. saying your thanks and helping him with washing the plates, you finally move into your bedroom.

you were scared. the eerie smell never left your room and if kazuha were to even flinch at the condition of your room, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself.

and yet, kazuha walked in as if he didn't notice. he lit the small candle in your room and walked back to you, dazed and bewildered.

kazuha pulled your arm and let his own wrap around you. his face fit into the crook of your neck, and he gave a gentle squeeze. you swore you almost cried when he held you with such care, a reassurance that he was with you.

"kazuha...?"

his own voice was shaky, yet he whispered.

"i'm so sorry, dove. i'm so sorry for letting your mind consume you. i should've noticed sooner. "

"kazu, you didn’t have to-"

"i want to. it's not easy to face all these burdens, and you are the strongest person i know. you've done so much for me and so many other people. let me take some of those burdens, let me take care of you."

you hiccup, and a fresh set of tears stained his clothes.

"kazuha, why do you do so much for me?"

your cries echoed the room, and kazuha's heart broke. here in his arms, stood a person, who he thought deserved every bit of joy of the world, crying to him because they couldn't even find a reason for his kindness. his willingness to help was for the satisfaction of his heart, not of a ulterior motive. but to think that you, his love, would need a reason of kindness, because you thought you didn't deserve his love, you didn't deserve him.

kazuha answers, "because you are you. before you are my love, you are you. you are human. that in itself, should be all the answers to that question. but, i know your mind won't settle for only that."

he leans back, and you mourn the loss of warmth. his hand cradle your cheek, and he guides your face to look at him. "i want to help because you mean so much to me. it doesn't seem like it, but you mean so much to others too. captain beidou was asking about you the other day. she wanted your input on something, now that i think about it. and before, when i went off to liyue, the kids over there still remember you as the person who played catch with them. even your mama sent over something. i left it on the counter, but auntie told me she had made your favorite sweets."

kazuha examined your eyes, ignoring the shock written on your face.

"i don't see the stars in your eyes; it pains me to see it so dimmed. no matter how far i am willing to follow, i cannot reach you when you are so deep in your mind's cage. please, let the people care for you. you deserve this much."

he leaned in, and in the time it took you nod, he had leaned into a kiss. his other hand remained firm on your waist, and he muffled the sighs from you. your face felt unclean and dirty, you wanted to say. he telepathically answered by peppering kisses on your face, the sensation ticklish. you feel the laugh burst from your chest, and you also feel kazuha's smile on your skin.

voice muffled from peppering kisses onto you, he mumbles. "h'vent heard you laugh in so long. you sh'ld laugh and smile more."

he was right, you thought. this is the first time you genuinely laughed in... how long? you didn't care to count the time passed.

when he leaned back, he saw you smiling at him with a glint of light in your eyes. kazuha gives you a smile of his own. "mission complete."

he leaves one last kiss on your lips, before pulling you in another hug.

"thank you, kazu."

"don't mention it."

"do you want to help me gift something for mama this afternoon?"

you feel his smile on your neck as he whispers a yes.

the candle burned brightly on your desk. you hoped it forever stayed that way in your heart.

[songmingisthighs]

Ignominy

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

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ch. lxxxviii - 2 month mark

hybrid!san × human!reader

buy me coffee ?

everyone wants to belong, it's basic human need to connect with people around them. what happens when you're responsible for someone who belongs to two worlds but at the same time belongs to neither ? worst part is, what happens when it's your ex ?

You hate to admit to your uncle but you love your job to bits. It's not like he had to twist your arm for you to accept the job anyways but you hated to admit that you kind of resent not working at the academy when he first offered you the position a couple years back. Every day you only experience good stuff and despite the work stress and pressure, there would always be something to make up for it. And surprisingly, it's not always your friends.

It was easy to fall into the rhythm but it was even easier to find the joy in the work. Compared to working corporate pharnaceutical, the academy was heaven. You didn't realize that the work load could be so diverse, one day you're working in your office, the next you're pitching classes to talent agencies and entertainment companies, then somehow you find yourself meeting actual professional dancers who are friends with the current trainers and even meeting trainees who are set to debut in a year or less. Sure, it might be because of your role and rank but it's still fun and amazing nevertheless. The students were awesome as well and while you didn't get the chance to know them personally, you love seeing how happy they are after class, simply enjoying youth.

From time to time, whenever you passed classes or students inside and outside the academy, you'd get reminded of your own youth. Particularly how hou spent the most important time of your life with San.

It had been a while since you talked to him and while you were glad that San seemed to be getting on with his life so easily, not even bothering to contact you again. Sure, you told him that you both needed time apart, but to completely cut you off after what he said? That's rich. You expected a bit of a struggle, him texting you fir at least the next several days and you having the joyous experience of leaving him on read. But of course, fate has been nothing but the equivalent of testicular torture on your emotion and soul.

With the slight (humongous) bitterness you were feeling, you could only hope that the package Seonghwa mentioned could cheer you up tremendously. Maybe one of your recent business acquaintances sucking up on you to get better deals, or maybe one of your friends playing dumb and later on would surprise you. So many possibilities and even the thought made you giddy.

Then a knock came to your door before the sound of it being pulled open and your heart began racing.

"I can see why you didn't hesitate to come work in your uncle's academy,"

Then your heart dropped to your stomach and your head snapped up so quick you could've sworn you heard a record scratch from inside your brain. Your body shot straight up and you stepped away from your desk when you realized who was standing just in your doorway.

San stood with the gentlest smile on his face and a bouquet in his hands, very reminiscent to the San you dated in high school specifically from your graduation day. Years passed and pressure building but that smile never changed.

Still, you were surprised to see him there, you might even thought that he was an illusion. So you did the first thing you can think of.

It was fortunate for San (and unfortunate for your petty side) that he has great reflex. Because just in the nick of time, San managed to dodge the mug filled with hot coffee that shattered upon impact on the wall behind him. It wasn't like you were trying to hurt him (that way), you just wanted to make sure you hadn't gone crazy.

For a moment, both of you could only stared at each other in disbelief; you not believing your own eyes, and San thinking that he may had almost lost brain function merely seconds ago. It was a miracle that San still had his grip on the flowers although he was afraid that the harsh grip might've crushed the stems. Just like how you almost crushed his skull. Not even the commotion of people peeking in to see what was going on and the sound of Hongjoong loudly asking what was going on and later on muffled and dragged away by who you can only assume is Jongho.

"What are you doing here?" You managed out.

Hearing your voice again made the tips of San's fingers tingle and ears burn slightly. It had been too long since he was able to clearly hear your voice without any animosity between you two. He was both glad and anxious to see you, but he was more terrified over the fact that his resolve falters quick just from being in the same room as you. But he couldn't give up just yet, he had a mission to accomplish and he was not about to let himself down. Again.

"I..." San stepped forward, warily looking at you in case you decide to throw something at him again. But when he realized that you were not tensed, he stood straighter and his shoulders relaxed. He carefully approached your desk and placed the bouquet of flowers on it gently. "I just wanted to see you to give you this, I... Haven't gotten the chance to congratulate you on your new job," he smiled. Your eyes automatically fell onto the flowers and you couldn't help but appreciate the beauty of purple hyacinths with leaves and white daisies peeking in and five white roses framing the bouquet like a border. Looking back into his eyes, you acted as if you were indiferent, "Oh yeah, thanks. I't's been... Two months already? So you're kinda late." Though the word 'late' stung, San did agree that his congratulatory expression was rather overdue. But he shrugged his shoulders, confident in himself and action, "Better late than never, right?" He wasn't hoping much, but he didn't expect you to look so guarded with him. Of course, for obvious reasons that he himself had personally provided in the past. "Really San, we haven't talked in a month and a half so why are you suddenly dropping into my office?" You crossed your arms at him.

It was now or never for San.

"(y/n), I've changed," he stated. You didn't say anything but you raised an eyebrow at him, urging him to continue wordlessly. "The last time we spoke... You were right, I was merely the shell of a man that I was before which was ironic since the 'man' you meant was a post pubescent teenager. I... Guess I didn't want to admit that I can actually get better because I was so used to in a state where my action and behaviour were easily excusable as hormonal imbalance, God knows how many people I need to apologize to and that's why I'm starting with you, the first person I ever hurt unintentionally, the person I swore would never hurt but in recent times, I've done nothing but. That's why... After our last chat, I started therapu and the moment I felt something was wrong, I slowly got myself back on meds. You were right, I wasn't in the right state of mind and it never occurred to me that before this, I've only been receiving help not because I wanted to but it's because people expected me too. I was so busy doing what people expect me to that I didn't even care that I was becoming such a mess which ended up burdening people more. I'm done living for other people, I'm done fixing myself for other people, (y/n). I want to start going after what I want." Your breath hitched at the mention of him hurting you and everything else. His words alone was enough to make you clutch on your own arms. It wasn't like you were desperately holding onto the fact that San had hurt you back then and several more times after that and even almost to the point of killing you. Again. But you have let go of the pain and though not completely, you didn't even think about it much anymore. Heck, you had managed to overcome the trauma and turn it into a lesson learnt through self-reflection. You had taken steps to grow in the past month and a half but you hadn't considered that San may have as well. But has he really?

With a your eyebrows scrunching in a frown of scrutiny, your hands dropped from your front to your sides, "What are you trying to say, San?"

Much to your surprise, San reached into his pocket and produced a box that you immediately recognized was from Tiffany and Co. He placed it on your desk, next to the flowers and before he could even say anything, the shock took over you and you rushed to smack San upside the head, producing a loud "OW" and a whine from him. Before he could recover, you rushed to close your office door before rushing back to glare at him. "That better not be what I think it is," you warned, glaring harshly at the puppy who has his bottom lip jutted out while rubbing at the impacted spot. "San, what were you thinking bringing that here!?" "Relax! It's an engagement ring, not a bomb!" He defended. Your eyes widened as large as it could go and your hand smacked his shoulder harshly, making him yelp again. "You idiot! I thought it was a promise ring or a damn bribe necklace! What were you thinking!" To say that you were dumbfounded was an understatement because you were... Bewildered, astounded, confused, and other big sounding words that just means "what in the actual fuck?". Still pouting, San slumped to the seat on the seat across your work chair and sighed, "I... I wanted to give you the option of coming back to me. Obviously, I don't want to force you to make a choice this big right now, but I just want to know where I'm committing to you. I've always wanted you to be the end game of my romance life and I still do. I didn't mean it as a way to pressure or burden you or something, (y/n), I'm stupid, not crazy," you couldn't help but crack a smile at his dumb self-depreciating joke that he took notice of. "Clearly, I took things the wrong way when my therapist said 'you need to start thinking of yourself for yourself'," San dejectedly said.

You could see that he was dejected, disappointed in himself and it helped pushing the wave of anger slightly away. With a long exhale, you leaned on your desk and tilted your head slightly to take in how San looked. Here, you have in your office that is much shabbier than his, a big time CEO whom people fear and respect, bowing his head in shame and regret like a child who just got caught stealing a cookie before dinner. This San is far closer to the old San that you loved, the San that you dated and was able to share everything with and it was like your high school self came back, reminding you that despite everything, his shortcomings are stemmed from the fact that there is a child inside him that wasn't being tended to.

Frequently, you question your decision and motives, but as you pulled San's head to your stomach and began rubbing his back, you didn't find the need to ask why you even did that. You did that because he looked like he needed it. It wasn't immediate, but San slowly inched forward to wrap his arms around your knees, closing his eyes to calm himself down. "I don't know why I keep messing up, (y/n). I just don't want to burden anyone anymore," he confessed, sounding very sincere. You chuckled and shook your head at his admission, "That's your problem San, you did everything right but one. You're taking on this journey alone when you should've relied on the people around you. You have four stupidly loyal friends, an older sister who'd risk her career for you, and parents who love you to bits but you still think you are all alone. You're still not able to differentiate between burdening and shouldering each other's burdens because... You were not wired that way. You were wired for seclusion and independence and while that turned you into a very successful businessman, it also turned you into the most coddled loner in this world." You pulled away slightly which prompted San to do the same to look up at you. "As much as I hate to admit, you're on the right track of becoming better and I commend that. But knowing your record, you need to start filling people in on your plans because not even I can justify you coming here hot on your heels with a damn proposal," the both of you couldn't help but chuckle at the ridiculousness of the situation. "Try harder, do better, okay?"

San shook his head in disbelief, not quite comprehending how he came in to show you how much he has changed, how much improvements he has made, only for you to swoop in and save him once again. He trully was like a puppy at your feet, he need to admit that to his therapist who had been telling him that all along.

"I don't know what I would do without you, (y/n)," you rolled your eyes and smirked at him, agreeing to the notion, "If you'd allow me, I'll do whatever you want to start making up for the past six years even if it takes me six decades. I know you wanted space and I have tried to give it to you, but let's face it, there are forces here that made sure that we kept going back to each other." As much as you'd like to contradict him, you have to agree that it was ridiculous how you both kept going back to each other. The first couple times could probably be blamed on both of your stupidity, but the times after that... Truly idiopathic. "I hate that you're making a point. Stop it," you joked which cracked a smile on San's face.

"Because of that... I actually have a plan on meeting someone, a relative my sister talked about who might give me a fresh idea of what's going on. Since you know my history and even have been part of some of the most crucial parts, do you think you can come accompany me? Help give your brutal honest opinion and rendition of what happened and what you think happened to me?"

You should've wanted to say no. You should've told him that you don't want to be part of his decision making until he can make his own damn sound decisions without involving you. But you yourself were curious about what exactly was going on and it wouldn't hurt getting some answer for your own sake. Helping yourself while helping others.

"I can't promise I'll hold your hand, but you can expect me detailing all your questionable lude choices and action."

And though you were being sarcastic, San could tell you were being honest and you were setting a boundary for yourself. And he was glad you did.

taglist :

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[theclementinediaries]

Citrus

pairing: schneider x gen!reader

summary: you and schneider were childhood friends but you two lost contact after her and her family moved to the states. Now, several years later, you moved to Chicago during the Golden Age of America, hoping to finally land your big break, and are reunited with your long lost best friend schneider.

“Ahh, Y/N, you know you’re really bad at this. You should try to be more careful” Schneider said, her eyebrows rising in amusement seeing you desperately clinging on to a tree branch in an attempt to pick off the oranges from the tree.

You tightened your grip around the branch, your breath hitched at the thought of what would happen if you let go. You gulped hard as you looked at the ground beneath you, even though everything inside of you told you not to, that it was a bad idea, and that it would only frighten you more. And yet you couldn’t help but doing so, for your curiosity always got the best of you.

You supposed that’s how you ended up in this situation right now, your body dangling off a frail branch that could easily break at any moment in a lousy attempt to pick off some oranges from the highest tree, when a simple ladder would have suffice just fine.

"I am being careful, I'm not going to fall...AHH!" Just as you were saying that you weren’t going to fall, you leaned into the branch a bit too much, causing it to break off from the tree and taking you with it.

“Y/N!” Schneider ran towards your still body that laid on the hard ground. You groaned in pain as you tried to lift your head up, but it only made matters worse. Still, you attempted to flash Schneider a small grin to ease her worries, even if meant ignoring the pain that was making your sides ache.

“I guess I spoke too soon” You groaned. “W-when is your sister coming back?” Gripping onto your sides as you spoke.

Seeing as you were okay enough to crack jokes, Schneider let out a sigh of relief, and wrapped her arms around your back, as you got back on your two feet.

“Sorella mia should be back any minute now, just hold on a little longer, okay?” Schneider answered, making sure that you were alright.

“Tell me, why do we need to pick oranges off the tree again?”

“Mamma and Papa said it’s donations for the church. I thought I told you this?” Schneider replied.

You gave her a solemn nod. The pain was starting to lessen by the minute, but it still hurt when you tried to do quick movements.

“Oh, right, right…” You mumbled.

The church is a big part of your life, it’s where you were baptized, where you met Schneider and all your other friends, where you first met God. Safe to say that the church holds a special place in your heart, filled with memories and joyous laughter, so when the high priest asked the community for food donations for the needy, you immediately jumped at the opportunity.

“I guess that fall really did a number on you huh?” Schneider teased, giggling to herself when you turned bright red.

“Hey! I didn’t forget, I just didn’t remember!” You shot back, instantly regretting the words that came out of your mouth once you heard how contradictory it sounded.

Schneider let out a laugh at your defense, and while you felt like you should have been mortified that the laughter came at your expense, strangely enough it didn’t. It was as if the sound of her laughter quelled you from becoming more embarrassed.

And as you looked down at her, her face scrunched up from laughing so much that tears were starting to fall, and how her arms were still wrapped around you, even though you could no longer feel the pain, and were perfectly capable of standing up on your own two feet without assistance, for some reason, you didn’t want her to let go.

You always had an attachment towards Schneider, whether it be because of her personality, her charm, or her charisma, you weren’t quite sure. What you were sure of though, that these one-on-one moments between you two, moments where she wasn’t pulled away by her older sisters or parents, moments where the teacher couldn’t intrude, moments where the other kids at school couldn’t interrupt, moments where even the church, —a place where you felt safe and loved— couldn’t come in between you two either, were your favorite moments with her.

“I’ll race you back to the church! Loser has to tell Suora Mia that we didn’t get any of the oranges!” You shouted before sprinting off, not paying attention to Schneider’s cries of protest.

“Ah, wait up Y/N, I’m coming!” Schneider shouted, running close behind you, not wanting to be left back behind. Even after being lectured by the nuns once you reached the church, the laughs of sheer joy and glee you two shared was something that you’ll never forget. Forever engraved in your brain is this joyous day, where the only thing that you had to look forward to was orange picking, and you couldn’t have had it any other way.

—————

10 Years Later

Chicago, 1929

The smell of alcohol and smoke filled the air of the speakeasy, along with laughter of businessmen in their haughty suits. The dim lighting gave the bar an atmosphere that you were sure you didn’t belong to.

Nevertheless, you were smacked right in the middle of it, with nowhere to go to escape, in hopes you would get even just a smidge of taste of what the ‘Greatest Country in the World’ would feel like.

“Why am I here again?” You thought tirelessly to yourself, as another fight between two drunk bastards broke out next to your table.

That was the question that kept you up at night, and whilst you knew the answer to that question was the rising economic boom, but for the few years that you have lived here, were undoubtedly the most lonely and depressing years in your life. With no family, no friends, no one to share a meal with, what good can money do if there’s no one to share it with?

At one point in your life, you were somebody. You had people, a community of people, that you cared for and cared about you, sure money was tight at times, but you were happy, you were loved.

Now nine years later, you’re at The Walden, the most prestigious speakeasy in all of America, sitting in between a drunk, a bastard, and a tramp, hoping that somehow, someway, you’ll find someone, anybody, to spend an evening with, but instead the only thing that’s been keeping you company is the whiskey drink in front of you.

As you were about to fall down a rabbit hole of unwanted thoughts, a sudden voice them. You looked up from the table, you saw a lanky pale man with short black hair and glasses starting to present the ‘appetizer’ of the night, as he calls it.

What was his name, Forget Me Not, was it? Truthfully, you didn’t know much about him or The Walden for that matter, other than the fact that he dabbled in arcanum, something that you weren’t a big fan of either.

“Let’s welcome our fighter of the year! The defender of the undefeated honor of knocking out ten consecutive arcanist and human challengers!”

Your jaw dropped to the floor once you saw the woman who was presented on stage. She was short and petite, was holding a pistol in her hand, and was wearing a loose fitted feather dress that reached her waist. She looked so similar to your childhood friend, Schneider, that you had no doubt in your mind that it was her.

But what stood out to you the most was her eyes, it no longer held the same innocence and childlike wonder that it had before, no, it looked like the light was taking out of them, leaving nothing but a playful look in her eyes that was deprived of any real feeling or soul behind, the eyes of a tiger daring it’s prey to come forward.

You hadn’t seen Schneider since that fateful day at the Orange Farm, where you climbed a tree and fell from its branches, in a lousy attempt to show off. But that was before everything changed, before the War ended, before Schneider and her family left Sicily, before hunger and poverty broke out in your own home and community, before the rise of arcanum and arcanist.

“The fate of this challenger would be chosen, we let the spotlight decide”

Too engrossed in your own thoughts, you failed to register the rest of Forget Me Not’s sentence, let alone the shining spotlight that was looming over you.

“The spotlight has chosen, we have a winner”

That seemed to snap you back into reality, finally noticing the bright light above you. Amongst the hundreds of eyes that were staring at you, seizing you up, sneering at you in full contempt and disgust, or were cheering you on, your eyes gravitated towards one person and one person only.

“Hehe, long time no see, Y/N” Schneider chuckled unlike you, she looked completely calm about the whole ordeal, dare you say, even amused at the sudden turn of events. It was the same kind of amusement she had when you stubbornly climbed up a tree, only this time, it lacked the warmth it had when she was younger.

When you finally regained the ability to speak, you asked desperately. “Schneider, what’s going on? What’s happening?”

There was so many questions running through your head, so many things you wanted to say to her but were never able to. But most of all, you just wanted to know why.

“It seems like you two are already acquainted with one another, how delightful! That makes this much more easier” Forget Me Not commented. You felt your skin shiver at his words. Just what exactly did he mean by that?

“But for the people who don’t know, let’s get the introductions out of the way. Here we have, Schneider, the defending champion of last year, and a human from Sicily, Y/N”

The crowd cheered once he was finished but you couldn’t help but feel sick once he was done, just how did he get your information? There was so many questions going through your mind, most of them spawning more questions than answers.

“I do wish we reunited in different circumstances, but fate has spoken. I do hope once this is all done and over you can have it in your heart to forgive me, okay, Y/N?” Schneider said in faux innocence. Though her words seemed sincere, nothing about her tone or her expression sounded sincere or kind at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Your stomach dropped at the implication of her words. Was she seriously going to kill you? Sure, you two hadn’t seen each other in a decade, but at one point in both of your lives you were inseparable. Conjoined at the hip, as your mother would say. Has she really forgotten about the time you two spent together or does she simply not care?

The sadistic smirk she wore. And the way she was taking such great joy from how uncomfortable and confused you were told you everything that you needed to know.

The person before you was not the same person that you knew all those years ago. What exactly happened during the past ten years that caused her to drastically changed? Was it her family? The mafia? Arcanum? The Walden? The church? You don’t know, and as she pointed her gun at you, firing bullets directly towards your chest area, you realized that you’re never going to know.

“Schneider-”

Pap.

[ifancyharry]

exes to lovers based on hits different by taylor swift 🤔🤔 like i’m thinking lots of groveling from the reader

Hiii anon!!! i'm so sorry if this wasn't what you had in mind, i got a little bit carried away with it i think 😭

anyway, let me know if you liked it i love feedbacks!!!!

Word count: 5.5k+

Warnigs: little bit of smut, angst

(Also, petition to make blondie release this on spotify??)

Harry didn’t know he’d be leaving her place heart broken that cold January morning when she asked him to come over because they needed to talk.

He could usually read people quite well, but not her: her tired eyes and glacier expression could mean everything and nothing all at once. It wasn’t the first time he saw her like this, so exhausted she looked energy drained, so he didn’t question her when she let him in with a mumbled hello and no greeting kiss.

Despite her bubbly personality, she was one to get sad many days at a time, and Harry found her never easy to understand. He always felt as if something was missing from their relationship; sometimes she would ignore his texts for a couple of days only to call him days later in the middle of the night and ask him to come over, beg, really, as if nothing ever happened. 

Other times she would just ask him to hold her tight, and even though he knew she was upset, he’d never gotten the courage to question it. He doesn’t know why. He has to admit he sometimes gets a little scared he’s losing her. 

They hadn’t been dating for long, a little over seven months; she was a friend of Sarah’s and tagged along on one of their usuals pub-hangouts. Harry noticed her right away because she carried herself around with a sort of melancholy that she masked with the most joyous exterior, and he thought she was kind of pretty. Too pretty to be drunk dialing her ex boyfriend for a hookup instead of enjoying a night out with her friend. So he decided to talk to her as a way to distract her from her phone, but he actually wanted to get to know her and he felt like it was easier that way since she was a little tipsy.  

Their relationship had always been kind of off, to Harry; he would get sad when he saw his friends being affectionate with their partners and he couldn’t even hold her hand in public, because YN never really wanted to be introduced to people as his girlfriend.

When his close friends would ask about that, he always had defended her: she’s not like that when we’re alone; she’s just shy; she’s private with this stuff. (He wouldn’t miss the pitied looks they gave him) But it had come to a point where Harry couldn’t even believe his own words when he’d say that. 

He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong: he always respected her spaces, never pressured her into doing something she didn’t want, he thought he was a good listener and an okay lover, so all he was left with was wondering if she somehow felt ashamed of him. Maybe she was embarrassed to be his girlfriend? The mere thought hurt his heart so much he felt it was hard to breathe. But really that was the only explanation that came to mind. 

Despite their troubled relationship, he never, not once, thought about breaking up with her, because he liked being a they with her. He liked their little rituals; rubbing her feet while she searched for rom-coms to watch on Netflix, smelling her perfume on himself after she’d spent the night, he liked — loved — her strangled moans in his ear when he’d push himself into her. 

Maybe that’s why she did it first, Harry thinks, because he was so weak he couldn’t even break up with her when something was clearly wrong in their relationship. 

Harry had been shattered when she told him. She said: I don’t think this is working anymore, and he felt the floor vanishing from under his feet. 

He’d cried and begged, all he wanted was a valid reason, but she wouldn’t tell him. She was so quiet he wanted to shake the words off of her, but he wasn’t one that fought. He always went with people’s decisions, so he went with it. He nodded his head, said he understood in a way, and left her house with a heavy heart, closing the door behind him and leaving her behind too. 

He wonders what would’ve happened if he’d gotten the courage to get back inside. To knock on the door so hard he’d smash his knuckles. He doesn’t know he probably would’ve found her a crying mess on the floor, her hands buried in her hair as she tugged harshly on them. He would’ve told her they’d be fine and she’d hold him tight and never let go, but he didn’t go back. He didn’t go back. That’s the whole point, to her. He unlocked his car and drove away as fast as he could. 

He felt like throwing up the entire drive home, and even many days later when Mitch’d ask him how she was, he wanted to shut himself in his dressing room, grab a pillow and scream into it. He did that a couple of times, actually, despite how pitiful it felt.

(…)

“Tell me he’s not going to be there.” YN looked deeply in Sarah’s eyes, as if to find out in any way a telltale that her friend was lying to her.

“He’s not, he has a charity dinner.” 

Sarah couldn’t possibly know Harry’d come to the pub after said dinner. She felt so bad when she saw YN’s face once she came back to their table holding her drink and found him sitting in what used to be her place, probably thinking it was an empty seat. 

YN swore she could’ve heard the sound her heart made as it fell in her stomach. She believes everyone in the pub heard it. She could feel herself starting to sweat cold as she plopped down on the wooden chair at the head of the table.

He didn’t even spare her a glance. She wanted to be honest with herself and admit that seeing him changed everything, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that. Because things hadn’t changed. She was still her. She was still that messed up version of herself that didn’t deserve him, that hadn’t changed, so she forced herself to laugh at Jeff’s not-so-funny jokes and pretend everything was okay.

Harry felt himself suffocating. She was sitting next to him and he could feel her knee brushing against his, his skin burning behind the fabric of his jeans. He hadn’t seen her in three weeks, that was the longest they’d ever been apart, and he was a mess. He knew everyone could tell. 

He had gained a couple of pounds because he’d spent his weekends stuffing himself with Nutella and ice cream to the point where he felt like he could throw up (he fucked up his three years streak of being pescatarian but he feels like he should be justified). 

When he felt like throwing up, he sat on the cold bathroom tiles and waited. He hoped he’d throw up all his feeling for her, flush them down the toilet and feel clean. But somehow he felt even worse when he realized it hadn’t worked.

So it wasn’t really his fault when he, as he tried to get rid of his suffocating hoodie he’d changed into after the dinner, hit her nowhere near empty glass by accident, the alcoholic liquid splashing all across her shirt and jeans. He hadn’t realized what he’d done until he finally tossed the hoodie aside and everyone was looking at him. 

“Fuck,” he muttered “i’m so sorry”. 

He managed to hurriedly grab a couple of napkins from the center of the table and handed them to her. She stretched her hand timidly to take the napkins, and as she did that their fingers brushed softly. 

She tried not to put too much thought into that as she dabbed the now wet napkins onto her shirt and jeans. “I’ll try to wash this off in the bathroom.” She mumbled, averting her chair that moved with a loud sound. 

She walked hurriedly to the bathroom, feeling Harry’s eyes bore in the back of her head.

She locked the door behind her and leaned her back against it for a moment. She released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

Once she gathered the courage and the strength in her legs to move, she walked towards the sink and opened the faucet, letting the water run.

She glanced towards the door for a moment and then after remembering she locked it prior, she removed her t-shirt and tossed the stained part under the water.

She rubbed the fabric together as a way to get rid of the stain faster and she could feel herself getting flustered as the stain only seemed to grow more. YN could feel her eyes sting as she grabbed the soap dispenser with trembling hands and unscrewed the cap. She poured some on the stain and kept rubbing, her shirt completely soaked by now. 

She let out a sob as she realized the state of her t-shirt. She let go of the shirt and looked at her reflection in the mirror. What’s wrong with me?, she thought, it’s just a stupid Primark shirt, I have plenty of these. 

But obviously she knew this wasn’t about the shirt. 

She took her image in as she stood there before the mirror only in her plain white bra and wet stained jeans. She looked pathetic. She could feel the sticky drink on her belly and she splattered some water on it, trying to get rid of the alcohol still lingering on her skin.

She felt gross and tipsy as she grabbed her phone from her back pocket and sent a text to Sarah to ask her if she could meet her in the bathroom with her coat. 

When Sarah knocked on the door, she unlocked the door but didn’t open it. Sarah entered anyway, finding her sitting on the sticky bathroom floor, all eyes closed and cheeks stained by dark tears. 

“C’mon, babe,” Sarah walked towards her, crunching down to be at level with her and grabbing her by the arm “up you get.”

They both stood up and YN stumbled a little on her feet. She was glad for Sarah, even though she’d never told her in their five years of friendship.

“I… I can’t, he’s-“ YN wanted to tell Sarah how much it hurt her heart to see him, but she couldn’t find her words to. 

You see, the thing with YN is that she never had a good example of a lasting relationship. Her parents divorced when she was six; she doesn’t remember anything about her childhood if not the excruciating pain that overcame her the second her father closed the door behind him. She felt as if she had grown all at once standing before the front door, and she wasn’t six anymore; she was a big girl that didn’t need her daddy to tuck her under the covers to sleep. She slept just fine without his goodnight kiss. Except she didn’t, because despite feeling like a grown up, she was still six. 

That’s why she’d never had a serious relationship in her 26 years of life. Lots of hookups and sleep overs since she was 16 with boys that reminded her of her father, because her mum worked night shifts at the nursing home and she didn’t feel like being home alone, and because she felt that relationships where a minefield she didn’t want to step in. 

With Harry, it was different. He wasn’t like her father. He was soft. He was patient. He listened to her, he saw her, he took his time with her. She could tell he’s been hurt in the past too, and she admired him for staying tender hearted despite everything. She never told him, but she felt as if he knew, by the way he kissed her forehead before bed and by the way he’d ask her if she’d eaten.  

With Harry, it was different, until it wasn’t. Because she wasn’t. She was her dad in their relationship. Passive aggressive and scared of commitment. So she knew it never could’ve worked. She had been selfish when she allowed herself to date him. She thought he’d eventually get tired of her, or that she’d leave him when she felt suffocated by him, and yes, it’s true, she did break up with him, but not because he was overwhelming.

She simply felt in her heart she couldn’t do to Harry what his father had done to her mother, she couldn’t hurt him in that way. So she broke up with him, and what if she cried silently in her room for days? What if she felt sick at the thought of what her life had gotten to? She was at peace knowing Harry wouldn’t be hurt.

“I know.” Sarah only said, wrapping the coat around her shoulders. “Let’s get you home”.

(…)

It had been a couple of weeks since she saw Harry at the pub, and she couldn’t seem to get their last encounter off her mind. She thought drinking her problems away every weekend would eventually mean she’d forget about him, his sparkly green eyes and woodsy scent. But it still hadn’t happened.

Drinking seemed to be the only thing she could do while she waited for the pain in her chest to ease, that’s why she accepted her friend’s from university invite to go out with some of her friends that night. She really didn’t feel like going out, but she didn’t want to stay home either, so she figured she’d go, get drunk, and then uber home. Maybe she’d even find a cute guy to bring home. She kind of cringes at the thought. 

“God, I love pubs” her friend, Olly, screamed, as they entered the pub. YN scrunched her nose, how could someone in their right mind like pubs? She only went because of the cheap drinks and low music.

Once they reached her friends’s table, Olly introduced YN, who smiled awkwardly and waved with her hand.

After three drinks and a cigarette, YN was far more chatty than she’d been at the start of the night. She wouldn’t dare to say she liked Olly’s friends, but she was enjoying their company, until one of them pointed out to the song playing from the speakers. YN hadn’t even heard it over the sound of her voice and the alcohol making her feel dizzy.  

“I love this song. Harry Styles is so hot!” One of them said, smirking at the others and taking a gulp of her drink.

“Yeah” another one responded, “I’d totally fuck him if I’d got the chance”.

“I’m seeing him at Wembley this weekend, I hope he spots me in the crowd, I’m going to wear the sluttiest outfit just for him.” They all laughed at that, and the proceeded to go on with their conversation as if nothing happened. 

YN felt sick. She felt sick at the thought of other girls thinking about Harry that way. Her Harry. Which she had seen many times like that. She suddenly felt like her sweater was too tight around her neck. 

“I’m going for a smoke” she blurted out, getting up from the chair and walking towards the front door through a bunch of people that were standing in the middle of the pub chattering.

Once she stepped outside, she lit her cigarette and took a big inhale. Her head felt dizzy and her ears rang with the same words all over again: Harry, hot, slutty outfit. Harry with a girl who wasn’t her.

She brought a hand to her forehead to try and cool her burning skin off a bit, but nothing worked. The cigarette had made her even more dizzy than she was before and she stumbled on her feet as she tried to take big breaths of air. She shook her head as she felt the bitter taste of puke in her mouth.

She crunched on the ground and throw up everything she’d drank. 

After she felt like she was done, she called for an uber and texted Olly she wasn’t feeling okay and was going home.

When she got in bed that night, the sickening feeling burning at the pit of her stomach hadn’t subdued, and she feared it had nothing to do with the alcohol and everything to do with the realization that Harry was now free to see other people, and she’d made it that way.

(…)

It had been more than six months since she’d broken up with Harry, and they’d been apart more than they were together. 

Christmas was approaching and YN felt more miserable than ever. 

After what she pulled both nights at the pubs, neither Sarah or Olly called her again to hang out, and she was left all alone mending for her broken heart. She bought a lot of self help books but still couldn’t get herself to schedule a therapy appointment. 

She often wondered how he was doing. She thought about him at Tesco’s when she spotted his favorite — overpriced — salmon fillet he’d cook for both of them in her oven. She felt like crying and had to leave her cart right there and get out without buying anything feeling like a criminal as she passed before the cashier empty handed.

She’s thinking about him now as she’s shopping for Christmas decorations. She was thinking about him so hard she probably manifested him, because she sees him standing in line before her. He was wearing his bright pink beanie and a dark green coat, probably to not be recognized. But she could recognize that hideous beanie even in the dark.

“Hi” she said, her voice so tender she doesn’t even recognize it herself.

She watched as he turned around with his brows furrowed, a pout on his lips as he recognized her. “Hey”. He said.

“You alway forget to take a cart” she chuckled as she gestured to his hands full of stuff. She eyed what he was holding: it seemed everything you may need for a Christmas party. She felt her heart clench as she wondered if he was alone or maybe found someone to spend his Christmas with. 

He gave her a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and she feared he might turn around and end their conversation like that.

“Christmas party?” 

“Do you need something? Because I don’t really feel like talking.”

She looked at him buffered. She didn’t remember him this way. He was always so sweet and soft, he never sounded so harsh, not even when they fought or she disappeared for days.

“Umh I… I was wondering if you’d like to grab a cup of tea?” She really wasn’t sure what she was doing. She was nowhere near ready to face him, let alone talk to him. 

“I can’t right now.” 

She nodded, even though her smile fell. Okay, she thought, it’s fine. You’ll cry about it tonight.

“But I can tomorrow, if you want?” 

“Okay. Do you want to come over?” 

Harry nodded swiftly and proceeded to step ahead, tossing his stuff for the cashier to scan. 

When he was done, he muttered a small ‘see you tomorrow’ at her and hurried out of the store.

She was frozen in place when the customer behind her in line tapped on her shoulders lightly to signal her it was her turn. She nodded her head and went ahead. All she could think about was what the hell had gotten into her. 

(…)

YN and Harry were sitting on opposite sides of her couch the following afternoon, a cup of tea in both their hands. She took small sips of her drink every now and then, and she noticed Harry still hadn’t taken a single sip, the tea getting cold in the mug

“You don’t like earl grey anymore? It used to be your favorite” she muttered, looking at him.

Harry glanced down at his mug and then he looked to the side, avoiding her face. “No, I don’t anymore.” 

That wasn’t true. It was still his favorite, he just didn’t want her to feel like he hadn’t changed a single bit. He didn’t want her to think he was still the guy he were when they were dating, because he hadn’t felt like that in a long time.

“Oh, you could’ve told me. I have lots of flavors, would you like -“ 

“YN” he cut her off, looking at her sternly “cut the bullshit. Why am I here?”

She took a big breath and pointed her socked heels on the couch, shifting her bum closer to him and tucking her feet under his legs. She knew she was testing her luck, but she hadn’t been touched in so long. She was starving for him. 

“I missed you.” She muttered, leaning her chin on her knees to look at him better, even if he kept his gaze fixed on the window behind them.

“That’s not enough” he said, but he knew it was taking everything in him to not look inside her doe eyes, his hands holding the mug so tightly he feared he may break it. 

The six months ago Harry would’ve been fine with an ‘i miss you’, but she left him. For six months. She managed to stay away, not checking on him once, while he was so hurt some days he couldn’t get out of bed.

“Harry” she exhaled. Harry knew what she was doing. She was trying to get him to look at her, and it was almost working.

“No, don’t. Just-“ he shook his head, closing his eyes. He sighed and leaned forward to place his mug on the coffee table before the couch.

“I want to make things better between us” she whispered, suddenly feeling exposed when he looked at her with a questioning gaze.

“We’re not an us anymore.” 

“Harry, — she breathed out —  please” 

He shook his head again, but she leaned forward and took his face in her hands, turning him towards her.

Harry looked from one of her eyes to the other as he tried to read her as he’d done in the past. But he couldn’t. She seemed honest, she did. But what did she want? What did this mean? He didn’t have time to think about it, though, because despite the pain in his heart and the clenching of his stomach, she was before him, begging him. He’d imagined this sight so many times, and somehow the reality was even better than the fantasy. 

“Please” she repeated. She was so close Harry could feel her soft breaths fanning over his lips.

He brushed his nose against hers as he closed his eyes. Fuck it. He tried, he really did. He even lied about his tea preferences to make her mad, but that’s about how far he could seem to go.

He wanted her so bad he could feel the blood boil in his veins. He placed his hands on her waist and squeezed at the plushy skin there. Go on, he thought, ruin me all over again.

And she did. 

She leaned over and pressed her lips onto his. Her kiss wasn’t timid nor tender, it had a kind of bestiality to it that made Harry go feral. 

It was all clashing teeth and lip bites, and Harry took his time exploring her mouth with his tongue. She tasted like honey and chamomile tea, and Harry felt her sweetness go right through his body up until his brain, clouding it with her taste. 

She moved her hands from his cheeks down to his shoulders, caressing his neck in her way, her fingers digging into his skin, exploring him. She wanted to take his shirt off and count every mole and freckle on his skin to see if they changed in those six months they’d been apart.

Harry hooked his hand on the back of her knee and placed her leg across his body, so that she was straddling his lap.

He moved from her mouth to her neck, pressing her harder onto him, his fingers digging in the flesh of her tights.

She let out a strangled sigh when he sucked on the spot behind her ear and she could feel her heart beat in her ears, thumping loudly against her rib cage. She wondered if he could feel it too.

She moaned once she felt his cock grow harder beneath her, tossing her head back, which gave Harry more access to the skin of her neck. He kissed all over her while she ground her hips harder against him. 

“Just like that baby” Harry breathed out against her skin, kissing over her naked shoulder. The oversized shirt she was wearing and fallen a little, exposing more of her tender skin to him.

“Harry, please” she fastened her pace once she felt herself get closer, her clothed clit brushing against his cock and sending a shock through her body every time she pressed on it. 

Her panties were wet with her arousal and she felt them sticking against her pussy, adding even more pressure to her clit. She couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much. His kisses were overwhelming, his lips leaving wet kisses on her skin as his hands guided her hips. 

She felt lightheaded once she reached her orgasm, coming with a moan she muffled against his shoulder. She let herself fall over his body as Harry guided her through her orgasms.

When the pressure became too much and she was too sensitive to keep going, she opened her mouth: “Harry, too much”.

He nodded, squeezing her hips once again as he stopped moving her, he then placed a kiss on her hair line as she stabilized her breath.

“You owe me an explanation.” He said after a while.  

“Don’t ruin this.” 

“Fuck, you still haven’t changed, have you? All that time and you’re still-“ Harry shook his head as he pulled her off of her lap, getting up and grabbing his coat from the lounge chair across the couch she was sitting on.

She felt dizzy as she watched him get ready to leave once again.     

“You don’t understand. I-“ 

“No! You don’t understand! How could you do this to me? I loved you.” 

“I know, Harry, I just-“ she shook her head, pressing the palms of her hands against her eyes.

“What? You what? Did you even love me?” 

She wanted to tell him that she did, she still does, but what good could it do? She’d hurt him so much already, she didn’t want to ruin him any more than she already did. 

But she was hurting too. She had been miserable all those months without him. 

“You’re unbelievable.” Harry shook his head and walked towards her door, shutting it behind him with a sound that sounded very much like the one she’d heard when she was six.

She took a big sigh and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She had to remind herself she wasn’t six years old anymore. She had finally found a guy that made her comfortable and safe, and she let him go. Because she didn’t feel enough for him. But all she was left with was thinking what is enough? And what defines it? 

(…)

“YN, are you sure about this?” Sarah looked at her skeptically, sighing to herself. Sarah thought this was a bad idea; she was only going to make a fool out of herself. She still decided to help her, though. Because despite the embarrassment, it was romantic, and Sarah loved romantic gestures.

“Yes, yes! I’m sure.” She smiles, a little too confidently for Sarah’s liking, “I’m positive Love Actually is still his favorite movie.”

Sarah nodded okay with her head and YN rang the doorbell. She knew Harry was home, because he was supposed to have that dinner party with his friends (Sarah told her), and she waited for him to open the door with a bunch of white signs tucked under her arm.

Mitch opened the door instead, and looked at the both of them funnily, “What’s going on?” 

“Mitch” Sarah rolled her eyes, “could you just get Harry?” 

They watched as he nodded and walked back inside, leaving the door open after him. YN could see from her place that Harry had decorated for Christmas and he even hung up the decorations they crafted together the prior year. She felt her insides warm.

“Okay” she said after a while, when no one was coming back and she started to feel stupid, “maybe I’m not so sure. Abort missi-“ 

“What the hell is going on?” She heard Harry’s voice as she was turning back on her steps, and she feels Sarah nudging her shoulder with her hand.

She nodded to herself and told Sarah to press play, ‘Jingle bells’ blasting through the phone her friend hold in her hands, cupping one of them over the speakers so the sound could be amplified.

“Harry” Harry read in his head the signs she held before him, “i’m sorry.”

“I think you’re pretty amazing.”

“And kind”

“And gorgeous” YN stopped herself for a moment and Harry nodded, signaling her that he was reading and she could keep going. 

“I was scared”

“Of the love I felt for you” Harry frowned at that.

“I’m not good at relationships.”

“But I promise I’ll love you”

“Even when you’ll look like this”

Harry laughed out loud when she showed him the next sign and it was a photoshopped picture of him bald.

“Forgive me?” 

YN felt proud of herself for going through with that, and she looked over at Sarah, that gave her a thumbs up before excusing herself and going inside to leave them space to figure things out.

She felt like she needed a big glass of wine now, though, because she really couldn't understand what Harry was thinking and she feared her little plan hadn’t worked and she’d have to ride the metro back to her flat holding a bunch of signs while she cried her eyes out.

“Let’s talk, yes? You’ll be honest with me?” 

She nodded. 

(…)

YN looks outside the window as she hums to the notes of Last Christmas by wham! playing from Harry’s Christmas playlist. She can feel his hand on her thigh, and he’s stroking her skin with his pinky finger.

“Don’t be nervous.” He says once they reach a red light, he shifts in his seat to look at her and she does the same, “they’ll love you.”

She nods at his words. She’s trying to be better. A better girlfriend, a better friend, a better everything. That’s why she agreed to meet Harry’s family, despite him asking scared the shit out of her. 

Her worries didn’t leave overnight, she was still scared he’d leave like her father did, but Harry helped her book a therapy appointment and they talked through everything, and she found out six years old Harry lived a similar situation to six years old her, and that seemed to put her at ease a bit. Because she guesses he’d know how that felt and he wouldn’t dare do it to someone he loves. Harry, too, had waited for his father at the door to come back, he waited years for him to acknowledge him, to see him. But, contrary to her, when he realized he wasn’t coming back, he moved from the door and never looked back.

She was so self centered on her pain she hadn’t realized Harry was hurting in his own way, and him being tender hearted wasn’t despite, but was because everything he went through. 

And she had cried as he told her the full story. Harry felt like he could finally understand her, because he too understood what looking for softness and never finding it meant. But he told her she was looking in all the wrong places and that made her laugh a little.

When she told him she felt like she wasn’t enough for him, they were on his couch and they’d just eaten the salmon Harry liked so much. He held her so tight she stopped shaking, and she grasped his shoulders to feel him even closer. 

“You deserve to feel loved, okay?” And he had such a way of talking she believed him. Just like that. All it took was that and she felt so stupid for not telling him sooner.

It used to feel so embarrassing to her the way she’d want him. They way she longed for his lips, the way she knew the moles on his face by heart. She felt embarrassed. She hated calling him at night and begging him to come over and just hold her. She hated how soft he made her. How vulnerable he could get her; she felt like a raw wound that never healed, that he’d scratch every now and then with his nails. But she found in feeling vulnerable and invincible strength.

She felt so embarrassed those two times she cried at the pub, she couldn’t get herself to walk past them for weeks. And for what? She was embarrassed because she was vulnerable? So what? She was human. And she was being brave. By loving Harry she was being brave, and that wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about.

She really can’t remember what she was so worried about, because with Harry everything hit different and everything was worth it. 

[redrobin-detective]

the things we lost to the ice

It didn't quite sink in until Gunter put on the crown and became an Ice... something that it was all over. He was back as himself, with his body and brain and awkward personality, permanently. It didn't feel like last time, like each breath was bringing him closer to his last. Simon was also somehow back in his old favorite suit, with its worn elbows and his glasses clean and unbroken. He even couldn't feel the crown whispering in the back of his mind anymore. It was as GOLB had taken him back to just moments before he'd worn the crown for the first time, intending to tease Betty.

Oh Betty.

"Hey so uh, who are you?" Simon looked up from the rock Marcy had set him on to see Flame Princess staring at him curiously. Right she was... literally made of fire. He knew that, Simon blinked. Wait he did actually, his brain retained lots of facts about Ooo and it's people. It was his or, well, Ice King's personal experiences that felt fuzzy. "Because you came out of the GOLB thing together with Finn but I've never seen you before. Marceline seemed to know you though." She tilted her head and frowned, "Finn told me he was the last human, was that another lie?"

"Get away from him!" He heard Marcy screech as she rocketed over from where she'd been talking to Bubblegum and some other candy people. Her arm wrapped protectively around him, her sharp nails digging into his clothes and her batlike face pressed against his own. Her skin was cold like death. He hated how he tensed with instinctual fear at having a predator so close. This was his Marcy, his precious little girl. She was different than he remembered but she loved him, she wouldn't hurt him. He clenched his fists so they didn't shake.

"Hey Marcy! Don't worry, F.P. is cool!" Finn shouted, galloping over with a big grin on his face. "Oh man, so much just happened but Simon are you back-back, like for realsies? That is so math!" Finn hug tackled him and Marcy.

"Still waiting on an explanation," Flame Princess grumbled.

"So she actually got you free, how joyous," Magic Man -no, Normal Man- said with a small smile but his eyes were sharp. "I suppose the power of GOLB is the only thing strong enough to undo elemental wish magic. Congratulations, Ice King, welcome back to reality."

"Wait Ice King?" Flame Princess gaped and Simon realized that -with the major world ending threat neutralized - they were now the center of attention. It's only just occurring to him that his window to divorce himself completely from Ice King and pretend he was someone else was about to close forever. Just like the chance to hold Betty in his arms again.

"Yea!" Finn explained, wrenching around to address Flame Princess and gagging Simon by putting him in a headlock. "It's a long story -seriously long, he's like over a thousand years old or something- but Simon put on the crown only he didn't know it was hecka cursed. It possessed him and piloted his body like a meat puppet, turning him into Ice King and made him act all Banaynay."

"It took him a while for him to become Ice King though," Marcy said, shifting Simon slightly out of Finn's grip so she was hugging him from behind with her chin propped on his head. "He rescued me when I little before I was bit by the Vampire King. Simon took care of me after the world ended, he even showed me the basics of playing guitar." She nuzzled him and gave him a gentle squeeze, "I missed you so much, you have no idea."

"I missed you too, Sweet Girl," he murmured back. He'd been here the whole time but at the same time, been very far away. There's hazy memories of this older Marceline, her songs echoing somewhere in his head. Mostly he remembers her frowning over whatever crazy thing Ice King had been doing at the time.

"Whoa, you taught Marcy! I had no idea you were so musical," Finn shouted before looking thoughtful. "Well I guess IK used to play on his drums or his keyboard a lot now that I think about it." He smiled, a goofy teenage smile despite the missing teeth and scars from numerous adventures. "I guess you weren't totally gone."

"It doesn't justify the constant harassment and kidnapping of innocent Princesses," Bubblegum said primly.

"Bonnibel," Marcy growled.

"But I'm willing to forgive past grievances so long as it doesn't happen again. You are, after all, practically a new man." Bubblegum noted. "I presume it was born out of subconscious desire to find Betty again, the crown fixating on that desperation for love. Of course, Betty is gone now so it's all rather a moot point, isn't it?"

"Bonnie, seriously, now is not the time," Marcy warned. The fresh reminder of Betty's sacrifice, the permanence of it hit him again. Insanity had overwhelmed his depression and loneliness and loss of identity, redirected it. Now nothing could distract him from that sucking chest wound of loss threatening to consume him.

"Uhhh hey Simon!" Finn interrupted with a manic smile. "Can't wait to learn all about human stuff from you! I bet you can even teach the Islanders a thing or two, pretty sure they've forgotten what it's like to be human. But you know all sorts of humany stuff I bet. It's gonna be awesome learning where I come from." Good lord, was someone going to love and support this beautiful child or was it up to him again?

Finn reached out with his remaining hand and grabbed one of Simon's own, lacing them together. Simon jolted and looked at their conjoined hands before spreading their palms and fingers together. His pinky finger only met empty air.

"Oh my god Finn, have you only ever had four fingers?" He balked. Ice King's memories weren't that reliable, he couldn't actually recall.

"Don't you mean glob and uh yeah, that's the normal amount I think," Finn shrugged, squinting at Simon's pinky. "What do you need that extra one for anyhow? Does it have special powers or something?"

"Yeah, I always thought that was weird," Jake said from somewhere behind Finn. "Marcy has an extra one too, figured it was just how things were before the Mushroom War."

"It was actually a nuclear holocaust that wiped out pretty much all life on earth and mutated the rest beyond recognition but sure," Simon said with a hysterical edge in his voice as the weight of his situation pressed down on him.

He was a thousand years removed from the world he knew, a world that now only existed as ruins or twisted, funhouse mirror replicas. Simon was totally alone, the only person who remembered the way things were before. Marcy was here but she'd made the journey through time naturally, she'd adapted and likely forgotten. He no longer had magic and, without it, he wouldn't be allowed into Wizard City. The Ice Kingdom was now Gunter's and the humans of the future have changed in ways he could hardly recognize.

Sometimes the past is a different country, sometimes it's a black hole taking everything down with it.

"Hey dude, you've probably gotta use the bathroom like super bad," Jake said as he broke through the crowd. He gently manhandled Simon away from the well meaning arms of people who were both dear loved ones and strangers all at once. "You haven't whizzed as yourself in like a million years, we better find a place to get your man biz done."

"Wait but-" Marcy said reaching out but Bubblegum grabbed her hand and pulled her away. The rest of the onlookers slowly backed off, going back to the post fight cleanup. As Jake led him away, he made brief eye contact with Normal Man who'd once been a magical god and was now just a man. Simon would probably have out and out collapsed if Jake wasn't steadying him.

"Look, we're just gonna walk away and when we round this corner where no one can see, I'll leave you alone to do whatever you need to do." Jake soothed. "I can hold off Marcy and Finn for maybe 10 minutes, 12 tops. You focus on your breathing and if you gotta hurl, just do it, holding it in jacks you all up." He lowered Simon to the ground once they were out of sight. Simon immediately went into the fetal position.

"You're good at this," Simon noted even as the stress and panic and misery washed over him. He pushed his glasses up into his hair and buried his face in his knees. Jake rubbed his shoulders, it felt good, grounding.

"I've talked Finn through a lot of these episodes before, the kid's been through a lot. You have that in common. You and Finn might have some different physical traits but you're both human. You just had a lot of junk thrown at you so you don't need to figure it all out now. That's what the rest of your life is for. I'll keep the worry squad off your back as long as I can. Take it easy, Simon but, either way, you gotta take it."

Jake went back to the crowd leaving only his wisdom. He was right, no matter how miserable or overjoyed he was over the circumstances, this is the way the dice fell. He had no choice but to take it, to use Betty's sacrifice on his behalf to do whatever he wanted with his remaining time. And he was mortal now, time affected him once more so he had to learn quick.

He had no idea what he would do or even who this new Simon Petrikov, PhD student and aspiring antiquarian was. Just being able to think coherently and regulate his words and actions was a strange miracle he hadn't fully digested yet. Things would be okay, he would be happy once more but, for now, he thought it was okay to sit here in the dirt and cry for everything he'd lost to the ice.

[bestworstcase]

Hello! I’ve enjoyed reading your rwby analysis posts, especially the things you’ve had to say about Penny. The amount of care you put into thinking and writing about her is great. I’m curious what you thought about Penny getting turned into a human, because… I personally really didn’t like it. It just really hurt me that after she was attacked repeatedly because she was built differently, that the solution to that was to remove everything which was different/unique about her and make her “normal.” And then have the actual physical representation of her differences violently die and then be obliterated like they were some horrible, hideous thing.

A good chunk of her story seemed to revolve around being just as much a person as anyone else even though she had a body that worked differently. And I sure did relate to that irl! But then turning Penny human seemed to send the message that Penny could only actually be a full and happy person (such as immediately discovering how wonderful hugs feel) if she was normal. I want to believe I’m taking that scene the wrong way, but… I’m not sure how else I can interpret what happened. So yeah, I’m curious what you think! I’ll be interested to read your thoughts, whatever they may be.

ooh, well, i’m not keen on the way the fandom writ large interprets the scene (as ‘penny became human’/‘penny became real’) and i like how it was done because imo it is really NOT framed as a positive transformation?

there’s an element of relief and joy to it of course—because everyone’s glad that penny survived this ordeal with the virus—but, as you say, the self-destruction of her robotic body is a big focal point of the scene and it is done in a very horrifying way, with the camera moving between penny’s POV as she watches it happen and her robotic body’s POV as it desperately tries to reach her before succumbing to the virus. and penny herself is profoundly disturbed by the experience—she’s not happy to be ‘free’ of that body at all, and ruby hesitantly asks if she’s alright because penny clearly isn’t. 

so while penny does then find a small thing to appreciate about her new flesh body and that momentarily alleviates the horror… the tone is very much set by the amount of focus given to penny watching a part of herself die and, after that small burst of joyous relief, watching her old body crumble into ash and flinching away with horror again. 

to me, this reads as a rebuke of how flippant yang was about the loss—“the mechanical parts are just extra,” except penny’s body isn’t truly equivalent to a prosthetic, right? that’s just her body. 

it’s not all she is, but it’s also a lot more like the arm yang lost than it is like the prosthetic yang got afterwards. penny loses a core part of her identity…

…which is reinforced later, inside the portal, when penny is taken off guard by the abrupt realization that she no longer has floating array. weapons are a fundamental part of huntsmen identity, seen and understood as “extensions of our selves,” and penny’s is literally destroyed by her involuntary transformation—involuntary in the sense that it’s a choice she was forced to make under extreme duress thanks to watts—and she has to recreate that piece of herself with magic.  

and there’s smaller, subtler things wrong, too. i think the amount of focus put on her bare feet is meant to highlight that she does not have thrusters any more—an essential aspect of her natural mobility is just gone, again leaving her dependent on the maiden powers to do something she used to be able to just DO. 

or consider how disoriented she seems right before cinder gets her. in her original body, penny had sophisticated tactical software built into her sensory array which among other things made her virtually immune to emerald’s semblance. she could see infrared light and aura and the tactical analysis program worked much, much faster than any human could keep up with—because her physical brain was a computer! and then she loses that and spends the entire fight mainly getting clobbered and then struggles to keep track of what’s even happening when cinder gates her off from her allies!

her new body is healthy and whole by human standards, but measured against what penny had before… the narrative gives, like, a LOT of attention to signaling that penny has been measurably disabled in a multitude of ways. if she wasn’t also the winter maiden—& bear in mind that penny only became the winter maiden BECAUSE of what her original robotic body could do!—penny would have been rendered utterly helpless by this transformation. no weapon, no flying, in a much more fragile and vulnerable body that could feel pain. (think about how much screaming she does during that final fight, compared to the time she gets flung several blocks by a grimm so hard there’s an impact crater and she’s like “ouch! :)” about it)

and obv, that fragile new body is the only reason cinder was able to kill her at all. i think that’s sort of the point: penny did the equivalent of *barely* surviving a debilitating illness, went from her sickbed to a battlefield, tried to fight like that, and died because she in a state of extreme physical vulnerability due to recent illness. that’s why all of her friends were so insistent that she not participate in the fight—she wasn’t ready to be fighting! if she’d lived, she would have needed to spend quite a long time recovering, learning and accepting her new limitations, and training within those new limits.

so, to me? the narrative framing of the transformation feels somber, with “she lived! it worked!” being the silver lining on what is otherwise a tragic outcome. watts infected her with this brutal, horrific virus and the only way to save her life was to sacrifice a fundamental part of her self, in this acutely traumatizing way. i think the fandom collectively sort of tunnel visioned on the pinocchio narrative of ‘becoming a real girl’* to such a degree that the bittersweet framing and the underlying horror of what happened to her gets widely overlooked. and i don’t think those tragic/horrific notes are there by accident—the narrative puts quite a lot of emphasis on them, and deliberately bookends the joy of “do hugs always make you feel this warm?” with those moments of intense horror with the violent death and then destruction of her robotic body. 

(*something that… really isn’t a prominent theme with penny?, because her struggle with personhood is centered on how *other people* treat her like an object and i would argue her pinocchio ‘becoming a real boy’ moment is actually her acceptance of the maiden power—not because that ‘proves’ she’s a person or whatever, but because it’s a moment of emotional self-actualization where she chooses to do the right thing according to her own judgment instead of mindlessly following orders like the puppet ironwood expects her to be. it’s symbolic! & that gets called back to explicitly by winter, later, with “you were *always* the real maiden, i was the machine,” the ‘realness’ in the pinocchio narrative here is about emotional authenticity and refusal to sacrifice conscience or heart in the name of following orders.

rwby is… pretty profoundly uninterested in the question of ‘does the robot girl count as a person?’ because it answers that within literal seconds after revealing that she is a robot with an emphatic ‘yes, obviously, she has a soul, zero ambiguity here’ lmao. what it does do is leverage pinocchio to explore themes of dehumanization and personhood within an authoritarian military regime.)

so yeah, that’s how i read that. it’s joyous because she lives but it’s also not a victory earned without grievous loss, and the tragedy is exacerbated because she *does not have time* to catch her breath / process / learn how to live in her new, disabled body before cinder… cinders.

[seducemefanficsandheadcanons]

Soul Bound

Sam was supposed to be her soulmate. They'd proclaimed their love for each other to one of the most powerful succubi in the plains, then to each other. When Aron woke up the next morning however, Sam and his brothers were gone, along with most of her energy and magic.

Aron was finally starting to be happy again, doing her best to forget the incubi ever even existed. Just as she is getting over the heartbreak Sam's betrayal caused her, they come back. Aron lets them back in, making a deal with herself. She won't care enough for them to hurt her again. If they leave, it's up to them. She isn't going to break her own heart again.

A/N- So this is a concept I started to play around with quite a while ago, and I have finally replotted and started to rewrite it. I hope you enjoy the first chapter!

Chapter One: I wanna put you in the past cause I'm traumatized

Also posted on AO3 and Wattpad

I wish that you would stay in my memories

But you show up today just to ruin things

I wanna put you in the past cause I’m traumatized

But you’re not letting me do that

Memories- Conan Gray

Aron flopped down onto her couch, practically melting at the comfort it provided. Her light blonde hair was damp from her shower, and she wore a hoodie with pajama pants. She wrapped herself in a blanket she’d left on it the day before, yawning. She was currently in training as a new doctor, one who specialized in demons and magic. 

She wasn’t in med school like the usual human doctor, instead in a program at a hospital hidden in the nearby demon district. She only assisted with procedures as of right now, but got to treat humans and demons alike, while also improving her own magic as time went on. It was like a magical twist on a typical surgical internship, but she didn’t have to attend medical school because it was rendered useless for diagnosing or treating anything non-human. Recently, her resident decided her, and the other interns were going to be on break for at least two weeks after an undisclosed incident occurred.

Just as Aron started to get comfortable, her phone rang. She groaned as she got up to look around the couch for her phone, finally finding it in between the couch cushions. She checked the caller ID, seeing Andrew’s contact. “Hey!”

“Hey Aron!” Andrews' voice was soft and kind. He worked at her grandpa's company, and they met after he passed away. They’d become good friends since.

“What’s up?” she asked, sitting up.

“Not much really, just um…” He cleared his throat. “I was wondering if you had any free time coming up?” he asked awkwardly, making Aron smile more.

“I should. What did you have planned?” Aron found herself blushing slightly. Andrew was a sweet guy, and truthfully, she thought he was cute. She could never bring herself to ask him out, however.

“Well... I wanted to know if I could take you to dinner tomorrow night!” he said. “If you don’t want to or are too busy, I understand.”

Aron grinned to herself; her tone joyous as she answered. “I’d love to!”

“Really? Awesome!” Andrew cheered, making her giggle softly. 

They continued to talk for a bit about the restaurant so Aron would know what to wear before they hung up. Aron had a soft smile as she relaxed on the couch. For the first time in a while, good things were happening, and she was allowing herself to be happy. After everything that’s happened in her life, she needed it.

Aron started to clean for about an hour, music playing from her phone as she washed dishes. She was interrupted by a knock on the door. She checked the time, wondering why anyone would be showing up at ten o'clock at night, before pausing her music and walking into the lobby of the mansion. 

Nothing could have prepared her for what was behind the door.

Arons grip on her phone completely loosened, it falling to the floor as she stared ahead of her at five incubi, the incubi, wide eyed. They all were covered in bruises and wounds, some worse than others. Her eyes met amber ones, light blues, purple, and indigo’s, but god she could have swore the world stopped when she met Sam’s intense emerald gaze.

She felt a pain in her chest, a familiar but unwelcome ache as she stared at the five men who’d completely changed her life for the worse. Her ears were ringing loudly in her ears. They weren’t supposed to be here. 

They left.

He left .

As fast as she could think of it, she ripped her gaze from Sams, who was to the left of the group, and to the others. She looked at the others, frozen in place. Her stomach turned with her sudden adrenaline, her breathing stopping almost completely.

After what felt like hours of them just standing there, her distant gaze in between two of them, Aron finally spoke, her voice no more than a whisper. “What the actual fuck?”

“Miss,” James started, making her look at him. “I know that this is difficult, but we would truly appreciate it if you just let us inside.”

Aron gave James an incredulous look. Was he fucking serious?! Aron found herself hoping this was some kind of sick dream. It had to be. There was no way possible that-

“Aron,” Damien’s voice caught her attention. His eyes held a sadness; it made Arons stomach churn, and her eyes avert. “Don’t freak out, please. You aren’t dreaming. No, this isn’t a hallucination.”

The next few moments were a blur. Her vision was fuzzy and dark as she watched herself walk into the kitchen with the boys.

She wouldn’t meet their eyes. His eyes.

She could feel their gazes on her, Sam’s like a fire to her skin. She didn’t have to look to know he was watching her. She knew if she looked and saw any form of pity in those stupid green eyes of his, any regret or sadness, she would lose her shit. She did not want any pity from him, she didn’t want to hear about how much he regrets leaving.

“There’s um…there’s food in the kitchen,” she said quietly, staring down at nothing in particular. “Your rooms haven’t changed either, just…yeah.”

“Wait, you’re letting us stay?” Matthew asked, pure confusion in his voice.

“Yeah,” Aron said like it was obvious, but she was barely even lucid enough to realize what she had said until after she'd said it. “You're beaten half to hell. I just need to know why.”

Even as she kept her eyes down and away from them, she could picture them all giving each other uncertain looks like they had when she met them, or when she demanded answers about Diana.

“Miss, when we left-” James started.

“That isn’t what I asked,” Aron interrupted him. “Why are you covered in bruises and blood now?”

Damien stepped a bit closer. “We got attacked by a band of demons as we were leaving, and we were already low on energy.”

Aron nodded. “Did they follow you?”

“No,” he said, his voice soft and gentle.

Erik spoke up. “Princess, if I may-”

“You may not,” Aron interrupted him. “I don’t want to hear about why you left or why you came back to the human world. If you are looking for somewhere to stay, you can live here until you get back on your feet. If you aren’t here for somewhere to live, then I’m not interested. If that is the case, I’ll come back downstairs tomorrow and all of you will be gone.”

“If you didn’t look like you’d just gotten your asses handed to you, I wouldn’t have let you in to begin with. The same rules from last time are in place. If you break them, your ass will be out on the street,” she said quietly but sternly.

All of the boys gave some form of vocal agreement for the exception of Sam. That was for the better. If she heard his voice right now, it would break her.

She nodded and wordlessly walked off, already able to hear the quiet murmur of conversation between the incubi. She walked into her room and leaned against her door. 

Why the hell did she let them stay? What made her think that was a good idea? What if they came back to kill her or take more energy? Sam and possibly the others had already taken so much of her magic, it took her months to even get half of it back, and that was with the assistance of spells. 

Aron didn’t even cry, just staring blankly ahead of her as she stood there. She wanted to curl up into a ball and die. She’d just opened her house up to five incubi. Again.  

It will be fine; I spend most of my time at the hospital anyways.

But I’m off for two weeks. Even when I go back, I’ll be home enough to see them.

I could just stay in my room. I can go out onto the balcony for fresh air and have water.

But eventually I need to go eat. I can’t live on water and fresh air alone!

I’m sure it’s fine, I don’t even care that they left anymore! I’m over Sam. We weren’t even actually together a full day!

So why did it hurt so bad to see his face?

Oh god, this was such a mistake. She couldn’t even look at Sam, how the hell was she going to live with them again? If she was lucky, they’d be gone in the morning.

But life has proven again and again that Aron is not lucky.

[ask-the-totally-real-peppino]

Looks at Pep's profile on toyhouse:

Oooh, interesting stuff here! Also lots of sadness in the links! More thoughts below:

<"–and even being rescued himself in a few situations.">

<"- he and Porto helped me home when I was struggling to move, let alone keeping my form together -">

<"Porto, and Bello, found me when I wasn't in the best place, and very vulnerable">

My first thought was imagining Pep in 'Sopping Wet Creature' form being in either Porto or Bello's arms, but it's more likely him having a panic attack and both of them helping him get home.

<"but I realised what they needed, and I gave it to them - I still have that scar... I didn't even know I could get new scars...">

Wait, what do you mean new scars? And hmmm, clones don't really have blood (at least not like regular blood), but given what we currently know (or at least theorize) about Pep, perhaps he was the only one that could've helped Mirtillo.

(On a related note: Mirtillo being purple and considered to be Pep's baby. And a certain picture with a baby wearing purple. I'm not saying they're the same, just that maybe there's some subconscious connections here. Maybe the loss hits harder because he has lost his child before. It's twice now that he was taken away from his family.)

Also the dramatic irony of having an idea of what exactly happened to his family hurts! And every single one of Pep's links being one-sided thoughts! I'm over here making myself sadder theorizing that the last parts of each one are the exact thoughts he had while searching for them! That even though he was able to see the world outside the tower, he couldn't fully enjoy that freedom because in the back of his mind he's thinking that he failed them, that he was too weak and couldn't protect them–

He hopes that maybe, just maybe, he could find them. To be able to hug them again, hold them all in his arms and never let go. He would never ever lose them again.

Okay, I'm done for now.

On happier thoughts, Happy 1 year to this askblog! (It's March 1st where I am) Thank you for sharing this story with us! We appreciate all the love and care you bring with your designs and writing.

Always remember to take your time and have fun with it! Take care of yourself, Bean.

(Shy Theorist)

(AUGH, Shy Theorist Anon, must you sucker punch me right in the heart on this joyous occasion!!! (silly/lighthearted)

But you bring up various points! And I will provide context for others where applicable, like right now;

[Pep's updated reference on toyhou.se] and the [links where he shares his thoughts on his fambily members]

First point about [Porto] and [Bello] rescuing Pep I actually hope to touch on soon! Well, 'soon' as in 'within the next few story posts' - when they will actually be up is yet to be determined jfgksgd - but you're not too far off hehe

Second point about Pep getting a new scar - this is a little confusing since I don't draw scars in my cartoony style (for some reason that I do not remember) - unless it's like [Halloumi's] missing eye scar, which is just a big 'X' - but a lot of the characters do have visible scarring!

We just gotta hit them with the unsilly beam, like this;

And there they are! Although Pep's 'scars' are just markings to mimic Peppino's scars - except for one - while clones do not typically scar due to their healing/regeneration factor, it is possible

[Mirtillo] and [the baby in that 'certain' picture] both being purple babies might be intentional, or it might be bc I have a bias for purple, I'll never tell - but I do confirm they are not the same being, since Mirtillo has been depicted as a newborn clone (the 'gummy bear' stage) and clones made out of human cadavers do not have this stage

And yes!!! Pep doesn't know what happened to any of them, and he misses them all so much!!!

But they just might be closer than he thinks...

... Any way, thank you so much! Your kind words really mean a lot to me, and I always love hearing your thoughts and theories - even if I am a coy bastard about them sometimes, fkgfksdf

I know I keep saying that hopefully we get back to it, and I really mean it, but it in the meantime I just do what I can, and drop a few crumbs now and then hehe)

[streaminn]

Since you mentioned Enid going through the anger part of the stages of grief it made me think it would be kind of interesting if the tournament accidentally reflected those stages, from Enid’s point of view, her whole year doing her best to have her pack be the Arcadia representatives could qualify as Denial, the animosity of being forgotten kickstarting Anger and maybe Bargaining coming as the bridge between Wenclair happens as a “”maybe”” alliance against the other schools (who in turn want the biggest threats of Nevermore and Arcadia out), it’s a nice step, they are kind of awkward as teams but they work, and Depression happens when Enid not only realizes her attitude definitely hurt her old friends to some extent (c’mon you know that little info reveal is going to be brutal) but that, in a way, she was right, maybe those horrible thoughts she had for so long of being inappropriate were right all along, they truly were better off without her, I mean, they are indeed closer now, they were there for each other when she was gone, and Enid? Enid had wanted to crush them under her heel to feel better over her friends not being miserable over her, which they had been, and all of this is her fault and—

Also fuck acceptance, we are not resolving this like proper adults, we are running off into the woods out of shame (and to not go into a rampage on the middle of a literal school) - The Choir’s suggestion, probably, Enid seriously considers it, though

Also a funny name fact, idk if we share this language tidbit but the Oars used for things such as rowing are called Remo in Spanish, coincidentally, our way of writing Remus, so I think the Rowers/Rowing team name is kind of fitting, also Rowers reminds me of Growlers and it accidentally follows the Nevermore Outcast name system

HOW'D YOU FIGURE OUT MY PLAN?? (has not been discreet at all)

Also bargaining is also Enid and Wednesday having time between themself outside the tournament. Where Enid sees wednesday getting affected by everything and offers a tour because there's no point in being up against you if you're distracted

Itd be like old times, Wednesday

Silly Enid, why don't you just say you want to hang out?

BUT NOT ENID RUNNING AWAY WHEN THE SHAME HITS 😭 I HAD A WHOLE ENDING THOUGHT OUT WHERE ENID AND THE PACK WON THE TOURNAMENT AND EVERYTHING

It should be a joyous occasion, there's people cheering and so much noise but even then Wednesday catches her eye

The nightshades look sad sure but they're patting each other in the back and essentially taking it in such a good sportsmanship way that it leaves a bitter taste on Enid's mouth

It's then that enid gets reminded that what's the point of winning when it isn't with her?

And it just slams into Enid that while this is another poe cup tournament, it will never be like the first, the one she won with Wednesday