#this is a really nice song tho it is now in my rotation of songs that i listen to on loop

[crystallizsch]

Hi 💃 Sorry this has been in my head for like an hour, but I was listening to music and I think the song called Past Lives REALLY fits Yuusha in some way?? I can't exactly form the words shdkajjckaf but the lyrics seem to make sense and I don't know how else to put it 🧍‍♀️

Past lives couldn't ever hold me down Lost love is sweeter when it's finally found I've got the strangest feeling This isn't our first time around Past lives couldn't ever come between us Sometimes the dreamers finally wake up Don't wake me, I'm not dreaming

(eugh it looks like they're doing a high-five but i wanted it for them to be dancing ;; oh well 🧍)

(also read more below bc this turned into another ramble omg i cant shut up)

HI HI! 👋👋👋👋 SORRY I COULDN'T HELP IT

AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF THIS IS THE RIGHT SONG YOU'RE REFERRING TO BC YOU DIDNT SPECIFY AN ARTIST BUT IT SEEMS TO FIT ????

i just pulled up the first ones when i looked up the song on spotify 😭

i think both are pretty much the same song though???

anyways EITHER WAY THIS GAVE ME EAR WORMS I CANT STOP LISTENING TO IT?? this is my type of music i cant explain it 🤧🤧

ALSO ALSO WAITTT WHY HOW -- HOWD YOU READ HER THIS WELL

IS SHE THAT OBVIOUS OR AM I JUST REALLY GENERIC

bc there's also this headcanon that there's a version of the twst cast back from the world where yuu/mc came from

and i'd like to think yuusha had a partner back in her world similar to jamil before she ended up in twst ;;;;

I've got the strangest feeling This isn't our first time around Past lives couldn't ever come between us

IM LOSING IT---- THEY ARE SOULMATES BECAUSE I SAID SO (<- delusional)

and also this specific line ,,,,

Don't wake me, I'm not dreaming

lowkey my mind is also buzzing with thoughts i can't put it all into words as to why this fits SO much, especially with yuu having dreams canonically

i guess for yuusha specifically she feels content with the people around her in twst but shes still convinced everything is like a fever dream and "going home" will put everything back to normal

so the line "dont wake me im not dreaming" is her true thoughts, she is in denial and she doesn't want to wake up from the "dream" that is twst wonderland bc shes finally happy

[orchidyoonkook]

Babe, how are you doing? Jungkook is out to collect more hearts. I quite like that this seems more in line with jk than other American produced songs that bts has done in the past. The 90’s film sequences and theme was used throughout and elevated the hunk/simp image lol. Jungkook looked great in his outfits and the song is easy to listen too. Confession tho, I didn’t quite like the rap verse and I really looked forward to a romantic/simple song with emotional vocals. A example of that would be decalcomania… I guess we’ll have to see if that happens in the album. What did you think?

-🫧

My darling Bubbles it’s so wonderful to hear from you!!

I’m gunna talk a lot so ⤵️

I’m good! I’m working on UTWT book things now that I’m off vacation, and then once that’s sorted I will be deep diving into chapter 5 of TWWWBAATTA -> just gotta edit! And then and then! irl I’m job hunting on top of that so I’m very busy 😂.

What about you!!!!????? How are you? How’s life?

I don’t mind the song! It kinda reminds me of bad decisions (cuz of all the days of the week stuff) but it’s cute!! And then the explicit version makes me want to eat rocks cuz that’s my baby and he doesn’t say things like that. (Please know I’m fully aware he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants I’m not a puritan just sentimental)

The music video was really interesting! I found a lot of the directorial choices interesting too. They definitely made a few angling choices I found a little confusing and off putting but that’s just a difference in personal style. The whole idea behind it was great! I’m excited to see what he does next.

I think the rap part isn’t necessary to the song, nor do I know who Latto is so I didn’t really feel one way or another about it. But I know her verse made a lot of ARMY uncomfortable which sucks. I really really dislike a lot of modern rap, there’s few exceptions like our boys and then bands like twenty one pilots and such. More rap with meaning then just spitting lines about sex or drugs or nothing of substance, which I feel a lot of it has become. That kind of music just isn’t for me.

So I probably won’t have it on my regular rotation but I will have it in my kpop playlist! If when his album drops there’s songs I like a lot more then they’ll get dropped into my regular listening playlist!

I’ve found that I vibe most with Yoongi and then some of Hobi and Joons musical styles more. They’re a bit more rough around the edges and musically diverse in styles, which is very much more my type of music, whereas the youngins in the Maknae line tend to be more Pop-y and upbeat. And there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s just not usually my style so it takes longer for me to learn to vibe with it.

Over all I think it’s a nice song and he’s doing well! I loved that Sohee played the love interest because I LOVED her in My Name. That was a great little highlight for me!

Thank you so much for reaching out!! I’ve barely been able to be online much the last few weeks so it’s always wonderful to hear from you!!

[lousirs]

What kind of music do you think the dolls will like? Like their genre of music (hopefully it's understandable cuz I have no clues what I just said 💀)

nah nah u good :D

hm... i mean from the get-go i'd say all the characters who have singers as their voice actors would probably listen to their singer's style of music. for instance, i can totally see lou listening to nick jonas and kitty listening to charli xcx. but aside from that...

moxy would totally listen to pop music. but like, that really cheesy pop music from the 2010s that tells you that you are beautiful just the way you are, ya know? britt nicole is someone who comes to mind (every time i listen to her song 'gold' or 'headphones' i just think about moxy). but alsoooo going back to what i said with characters listening to their voice actor's music, i find it amusing if moxy listened to rock as well, as kelly clarkson is kinda pop-rock (or used to be i haven't listened to her entire discography yet). she's just jamming out to some electric guitar or something lmao

i'm not too sure about babo (my mind is saying smooth jazz but idk if that works with him) but wage and lucky bat would totally listen to those 10 hour relaxing ambient music with the windchimes and piano... lucky bat would listen to relax, and wage would listen to ease her nerves.

ugly dog i can see listening to latin music (cause ya know...pitbull mr worldwide 305) and prolly some rock and heavy metal thrown in there for good measure.

ox would be country. for obvious reasons (yeehaw)(i found out about blake shelton through ox so everytime a blake shelton song comes on all i see is ox rotating in my mind)

with lou... you'd probably catch him listening to classical or cafe jazz, but when he's alone he'd listen to most things, i'd say. ...and also he'd listen to electro swing because i said so and i am the voice of authority I MAKE THE CANON /j (but i can see him listening to electro swing). ohhh and songs from musicals too. he is soooo a musicals fan. dunno what musicals he'd listen to tho, i'm not too knowledgeable on them uh

mandy would listen to lofi and indie music... if there's a niche artist who makes nice songs, mandy probably knows of them.

nolan... nolan is a wildcard honestly lmao. he seems like he'd listen to both acoustic and electronic music (daft punk vibes)... actually. just remembered something. you know that sound that plays when the spotlight centres upon nolan? that sounded like dubstep for a moment, and i just remembered thinking that nolan listens to dubstep because of it... so now he does. nolan listens to dubstep too.

all the spy girls would listen to pop, but probably different kinds of it. kitty would totally be hyperpop, no doubt in my mind (probably because charli xcx is more hyperpop nowadays). tuesday is similar to moxy in those 2010s songs, but it would be only the love songs and she'd imagine lou and her singing them together. lydia... probably hip-hop or funk-pop.

that's all the main and side characters... idk what michael and mehgan would listen to uh... also jazz???? maybe??? i don't know enough about tray or icebat to say what they'd listen to... BUT GIBBERISH CAT WOULD LISTEN TO BREAKCORE MUSIC HANDS DOWN

[aphel1on]

tag someone you want to get to know better

tagged by @woobifiedvillain a few days ago and finally remembered to do it!!

Favorite color: Yellow, but not an overwhelming yellow, like that soft warm yellow? I love it. People tend to not expect this answer, I think I give off more of a blue or grey vibe. Honestly a pretty grey/silver is probably my second favorite color, but a buttery yellow is just so good for the soul.

Last song: You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. Danced to it in the kitchen, got consumed by the guitar riffs, nearly knocked a chair over. Before this morning it would've been the Genshin OST... I've been listening to it a lot while I write or do chores recently.

Last movie: An exceedingly mediocre romcom on Netflix that I watched with my sick mom to be nice. Genuinely couldn't tell you the title or more than like, two or three plot points. Last movie that I watched bc I wanted to was the Barbie movie, which was genuinely better than I expected. Enjoyable but would still give it, like, a mixed review. I'm not getting into two months' ago Barbie Movie Discourse on this post

Currently watching: I'M STILL TRYING TO FINISH THE UNTAMED!!!! woobifiedvillain i'm speaking directly to you and quoting you: i too am "chronically incapable of paying attention to visual media, even the good shit" and when i try to explain this to people irl they act like i am insane!!! I haven't watched Good Omens season 2 yet even tho I am reblogging posts about it rn. I think it's mostly adhd, or really just a part of the larger Neurodivergence Soup (tm) that makes it nearly impossible for me to learn something from a YouTube video. I mean, sometimes for a hands-on task a video is essential, but can't there be a written list of instructions to go with it too, bc that sticks in my mind way better sobs... ANYWAY i'm currently on episode 43 of The Untamed, so I should be able to finish it by, like. The end of the year at least lol?

Currently reading: I started reading SVSSS recently because, like. The mxtx mania is in full throttle. I just got here a little later than most people lmao. I'm also currently "reading" like seven different books that I bought or pirated this year and have on hold. One of my Unfortunate Skills is bingereading like 200 pages of something in 1-2 days and then not finishing the rest of it for 8 months.

Currently working on: Keep My Shadow Alive, my big xue yang-centric fix it fic!!! Well, more like a fix it, and then break it more, and then eventually actually fix it fic. Starting from the canon divergence of "Add Pre-Teen Xue Yang to the Burial Mounds Fam" and going from there. I read every fic like that that's on ao3 and was still being eaten alive by the brainworms so I started writing my own take on it and ~6 months later it's the longest fic I've ever written and only 25% of the way through its outline???? So. Who knows if it will get finished (my track record is admittedly not great)- but I've had such a blast writing it so far. Xue Yang is just SO fun to write. Yes it has a plot and character arcs and I could even go full English Major* and start telling you about its Themes, but also it's just an excuse to write Xue Yang interacting with every member of the MDZS cast. Going to STOP talking now bc I fully am the type of writer who will get carried away talking about their wips.

*i am not an english major, but spiritually i am an english major.

Current obsession: Yeah uh, MDZS. My friend convinced me to finally read it in January of this year, and the hyperfixation train has simply not stopped since then. Genshin Impact also dragged me back in with the Fontaine update and I've been having a lot of fun playing it. But MDZS is still mostly the thing that's eating up my RAM. Particularly the Yi City crew, but 3zun is rotating in there too. Sometimes even The Man WWX Himself, i talk about him less but i do love him a lot also lol

Tagging: I'm honestly too shy to do this!!! But thank you for tagging me anyway<3

[otakebi-cam-wao]

Produce 101 Japan The Girls ep 5 - by a harowota in real time

this time written on my phone!

Part 1: Elimination????

i spoiled me w friends cuz i started to follow the eliminated trainees on insta and twitter as they started to appear and post but forgot anyways

group introduccions are always nice specially with funny/cute poses and or phrases or gimmicks, or whatever

Kassa took out her Anju chara there

Omg Ao Haru posing as アオハル

i want to talk bout the style changes

i got the same reaction to Shizuku's blonde hair, Kaela

Kaela is kinda troll, love that energy lol (i should stop talking bout the trainers and the MC of the whole show)

okay, let's start the beheadings?

Part 2: Dance Battle

WAIT WAIT WAIT NAKASONE VS YUMEKI?!

i go for Nakasone cuz she's so mother but Yumeki is even a year younger than me

AAAAAAA TOGETHER DAMN

still Nakasone mother

RANDOM PLAY DANCE!!! OWO

oh so it depends of the year nice nice

let's see if i can recognize some (spoiled one)

2021? idk this one... ohhh the pd101 japan season 2

they're so happy

1985!!! no one thought they'd know Dacing Hero eat me up... okay

so cool Sakura (no gyaru)

2000!!!! RENAI REVOLUTION 21 OFC!!!!!!

Kassa didn't ran but danced from the class A side (my harowota hear is a bit dissapointed specially cuz Kokoro told her to go together and didn't)

Honoka and Rino? went to dance it

Nakasone proud somehow?

2010... heavy rotation ofc

Rimika did what i hoped Kassa did with rr21, ofc she knows it lol

almost everyone went running (good song and I don't like akb48, .... complex emotions with the video)

2020 ohhh.... it's kpop, i dunno, but it says wannabe

ohhh yumeki did the choreo

2023.... leap high was obvious lol

the ones who couldn't fit in the dance floor on their sides dancing ofc

now real battle by class, and genre (cute, sexy, wild)

they'll win sneakers!!!!

cute first

Sakura C class, Kagura F, Mana D, Rinon B, Yuuki A; wow Rinon mixed a bit of sexy i guess, cute Sakura... Mana cute but :/

Sexy now

Sae D, Honoka C, WOW NONOKA FROM F CLASS (awwww camera on baby Hina surprised, too much sexy for this baby to see(?)), Wow Moe B and Miu A they know for sure

WILD!!!!!

okay i saw, Tsukushi (A), Ranka (F), Keiko (B) quickly

Keiko is wild indeed

now Ayano from C WOW

LET'S GO TSUKUSHI

this is just time for the dancers of each class

Aruha nice!!!

nice Ranka

They're all so good, i go for Keiko or Aruha

mood Nakasone, OH MY GOD

winners?

B class!!! Dance queen Keiko!

the random leap high jump was amazing

THEIR NEW SHOES!!!!

awww Keiko's "minna aishiteru" after they thanked her

Part 3: ok now elimination? or well rankings

i know the one i was worrying bout got into the saved ones

oh 49th Mana (can't like her :c but let's go "grandma"), 48th Kanno Miyu, i shouldn't say these tbh... so I won't

iiiiiigh! Ranka got saved :/ she has Nomura Minami looks but her vibes throw me off a bit, good for her tho (I'm a supporter of everyone in some way)

okay, so i really clap clap Uchiyama Rin cuz of getting a bad throat and pulling such vocals

a twin (Mikoto) is in!!!! is the other twin (Kotone) in as well?

ahhh nice Yurara!!!! (I'm saying each position anyways somehow)

YESSSSSS THE OTHER INTP GIRL I LIKE (lower than how i like her but yes!!) HARUKA!!!! so cute and looks so ADHD (but shy) creature on the stage of the ones who passed!!!

words from some top 49 to 41 okay okay

lol Uchiyama, you're not allow to go back home soon...

cutie Yurara!!!!!

ok 40 to 31...

where's Kotone

KOTONE 39!!! (YOU'RE GETTING OVER YOUR NEE-SAN)

SHIZUKU 37!!!! YES, DESERVED, I WANT TO LISTEN TO HER VOCALS MORE, SO OPERISTIC operastic?

Fujimoto Ayaka is the hard time seifuku no manequin team leader... right? ah yes deserved 36 with all that

... i don't like Rimika, idky but she passed

YOSHIDA HANA 33 DESERVED (obsessed with her "narcissistic my god i love it" from their love dive performance)

Husky voice 32?! MOMOKA YES!!! YES!!!! YES!!! (btw weird but interesting hair styling)

Miyu 31, she was such a nice neesan for her group, deserved

awwwww Ayaka u gonna make me cry, "pien" as S. Miu said in the mbti lab

THIS IS TAKING SO LOOOOOOONG

a take bout an eliminated girl i remember

Ameri deserved better (cuz we can't vote overseas, and she knows it, liked a comment where she was told it was unfair to have eng subs but no overseas votes)

Part 4: social experiment in Korea?

the girls helping an small baby girl

HIGH QUEENS FIRST

JUERI YOU SAW THE GIRL!!!!!

ok, bby had to walk to them to talk, then they became nice nice nee-san

high queen knows korean, ofc; 3 minutes?

Jueri sensed it was a prank before the dokkiri daiseko paper was shown, nice

oh they know Korean cuz dramas lol

REMEMBER ME TIME!

i feel like Ayaka might be the quick one to act?...

oh it was Rino

they started to play w bby

all got pranked and no one thought was the bby the prank

AOHARU!!!!

oh so Nana wants to be a teacher, she might react quicker, Tsuzumi will make her laugh i have the feeling

Nana immediately took her hand

all yelling to ask for her mom

ohhh an unrelated person got in so run for the prank paper

they're so noisy and are looking for the cameras lol!!!!

Miss Japan

so Mana decided to talk to staff while Chiharu takes care of her talking and playing

NANA TEAM

they decide to look for the mother nice

5 minutes looking around awwww Serina? pick her up to not get her tired

lol the prank paper

they laugh

so worried cuz bad at korean

Part 5: more ranking

30 to 21 ok

29 the gyaru!!!! nice

SAKATA KOTONE!!!!!!!!! 28!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!! MY F TO B GIRL!!!!! and good leader

Hina bby 25 she became the little chick already, she broke her egg shell

Kitazume Sakura 22, she was really cute, and powerful, deserved!

YUI 21!!!!! YES YES, LEADER NICE NEESAN, NICE VOCALS.... also the way she was holding hands with Koto waiting who would be 21st, CUTE

20 to 12 ohhhh a longer one

Joa 20, deserved, tho I don't like her enough, VERY VERY DESERVED!

Kokona chubby cheeks 19, surprised me on performance nice nice

idk if I'd vote for Tsukushi (18) to get higher, probs cuz mic incident

OWO RINON 17 amazing, I'm amazed, really deserved

Mena 16 is so deserved, she's so idol bright, she has that thing that makes you oshi her (not my oshi)

taking advantage of Kitazato Rio 15 to say... her new hairstyle makes me think a bit of Nishida Shiori from BEYOOOOONDS on her face

NAGOMI 13!!!! MY BABY IS 13 SO DESERVED SHE COULD BECAME THE COOL OF THE SONG BEING SO CUTE AAAAAA BBY!!!!!!!

Keiko 12, yes you see her and you smile, she's so funny and amazing deserved

Mena talking so idol bright! so cute! so oshi-able

I'm so proud of bby Nagomi, wanna hug her

I'm at 1hr 19 minutes?! wow one hour more to watch yet

Part 6: members choose tops

top 3 personality

so 3 chose Honoka, she's funny the few things I've seen, i agree, she's ENFP, right? expected, she's top 3

Kokoro top 2 cuz nice nee-san and someone who listens, nice

top 1 is???? Moe ohhhhh, dunno what to say i think I haven't feel like I've focused a bity bit on her

top 2 beauties?

top 2 S. Miu i can see that very well, no comments tbf

yes Miu, as an eye lover(?) you have very beautiful eyes

lol she cringed at herself after that scene thingy

ohhh top 2 was a tie, makes sense

Sasaki Kokona, i agree she's captivating even if I don't want to look at her lol

okay top 1....!!!!

goddess vibe?!

Nano, yeah i agree, like damn girl is beautiful and captivating

she doesn't want to do the line thingy

the profile pics tho for Nano and Miu... not helping

Part 7: final rank?

so the 11 fitting the debut group?

yes the top 11

wait i know this, well I'm supposed to (i know top 1 tho)

Aita Rin top 11 was surprising (i have her in my top 11) so deserved as leader, hard worker, soul strength, team mindset, all, wanna hug her cuz i feel PROUD of her

Koto 10 is so amazing! so wow, no words just WOW feelings

AYANEEEEEEEEEEEE 9!!!!! I LOVE HER, SHE'S (with Momona) MY TOP 1!!!! my INTP tism creature looking songtress with huge off stage on stage gap girly!!!! YESSSSSS (her talking is so 🥹)

Nano 8 nice nice sleepy but nice beautiful nee-san

Sasaki Kokona 7 again captivating aura, no wonder she got so many votes

cute, she says she doesn't think is good enough for that rank

Tsuzumi 6 makes me so ajsjjsjsjshsj :D she's so cute energetic full of emotion bby and good performer... awwww she got so emotional towards AoHaru, so cute bby bright smile bby

Suzu 5 nice, she has a something i can see but don't get to my top 11

cute, just cute, no comments

i forgot the top 4-2 order, i know the ones there

Kaela hurry up!!!!

ofc Ran, Miu, Kokoro and Momona fight the 1st place (I know :D who has it) WHICH WAS THE ORDER!!!!

4 is?! Miu okay okay, so then... Ran, Kokoro Kassa, right?

Miu get out of my top cuz... idk... but maybe she was evily edited... so it feels like she's a diva (as some friends said) i want to think is all due to this edit, and being ISTP cold

Ran 3 right, i liked her a lot and a friends is doing propaganda for her

cute girl, amazing, like her low voice, she seems funny but not so WOW funny

so now is Kokoro, I just know that already

but nice that rebloom where fighting the top 1, starting with their idol performance

plus both (mainly Momona cuz time, i mean since she was 13 in angerme and 12 in hello pro kenshuusei, she has like 8 years experience!) are pros

"Kokoro-chan aishiteimasu" (not in shipping way) beautiful

i want what these two have

such strong friendship

so well, Momona 1, Kokoro 2, already knew that

LET'S GO KASSA!!!!!!

they're like so proud of each other!!!!! mainly Kokoro of Momona

it feels so amazing to see Kassa going up those stairs to the 1st place seat!!!!

ok top 50 is missing, who got the cut position?!

4 fighting the place 50

oofff this is hard to see

Karen, Aruha, Shion and Misaki

i want them all (yes, i forgot who didn't got there that i follow on insta)

i think Shion didn't

how low was Jueri btw? (liked her voice)

ok 50th is?!

Karen!

i wanted Aruha...

but it's okay

oh god, i feel so sad for the ones who didn't make it, i hope some angencies contact them soon

they all deserved to pass

WAIT!!!! FUKA GOT ELIMINATED

NOOOOOOO FUKAAAAAAAAAA

wow, Jueri got 92nd going down 15 places

third INTP girly Tabuchi Miu got 86th (tbh, i didn't saw her a lot, but sad cuz INTP too)

AMELI 79? i swear if overseas have voted she would have made it to top 50

the Moron Anon (joke joke, her name is Moro Anon, such a weird name) 74th... sad cuz she surprised me at the group battle

Iyota Hana 71... ok

you're not telling me Fuka didn't make it cuz of a 10 places gap?! ... pien

Part 8: coments random cuz didn't pay attention to the thingy with songs at the end

Kassas short hair is beautiful, i wonder if she donated her hair again...

sadly they cant sns cuz rules... so we won't know... not yet

expecting what we'll see next week... or on thursday, deppending if I can't handle the need to watch...

I'm wondering why they can't change a bit more the twins' look, it's so hard to tell them apart

someone said one have thicker and other thinner bangs and I'm like "HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU KNOW THAT"

OH NOOO THE HUGS AND CRYING AT THE END

is sadder that whole groups got eliminated...

they became such good friends apparently

now i wonder what will happen if one twin is eliminated later

OH NOOO AYANE CRYING NOOO, DEAR!!!!

oh that's all...

there was a lot

well, eliminated B class girls at least get new sneakers

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 10/4/22

tis the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness or whatever. all five categories are filled this week which is a fruitful occurrence in and of itself

listening Fresh Laundry by Allie X. this came up on shuffle and gave me pause, bc this is a album i had on loop very early in the video games job while still figuring out how everything worked. i remember the hope and the routine of quick-marching down to the pond down the road (not really down the road. it was like a good third of a mile) to stare at some water for a bit before hustling back home and eating some soup and staring at excel some more with this album on loop until it got shuffled out of rotation in favor of more instrumental stuff.

and now, more than a year later, i have this album on loop again as i start a new job where i stare at excel a lot and eat soup. hope this one works out better.

what a cool personal journey kay! what the fuck is this song tho!

indie verging on synthpop? i rarely listen to albums all the way through but this one flows together nicely without big jumps in mood. this isn't to say it's flat or predictable, but some Thought has been put into how songs begin and end and the order they come in, which i appreciate. she's a soprano with a range and a tonal quality that isn't icy or cold, but it feels ice-smooth. not the soda fountain ice or the ice cube trays in your fridge, but the very clear and almost bubble-less kind of ice.

I want to wake up (I want to wake up) To friends calling (friends calling) I think I've had enough (think I've had enough) Of hard mornings (hard mornings)

-

reading really waffled on whether to include this article my sister sent me or not bc the style and formatting are profoundly fucking irritating but realized it let me talk about my house so here we are

blackbird spyplane is partially cranky about the tsunami of bland round edged squarespace storefronts selling knockoff shit, making it much harder to find people who Are selling weird neat shit, and loosely comparing the rise of this neutered online space to the irl demise of the Un-Grammable Hang Zone. the thesis of the article may be found in the image below.

so this got me thinking, as articles sometimes do: uh-oh! do i do that?

i am noted for my power, my beauty, and the eclectic nature of the Items i dredge up out of estate sales. i do like a weird fuckin object. perhaps my home is grammable for a very specific audience.

however, my current version of the evil lair rejects a large part of the UGHZ thesis bc it is not a hangout zone at all. i am a chronically ill adult living alone and everything is precisely arranged for my personal maximum comfort and convenience. eg the plant shelves and the plants on the floor look like shit but are really easy to water. the water change buckets and sipon directly under the fishtank also look like shit but make remembering to do water changes really easy. the recycling bin on a chair in the kitchen looks stupid as hell but makes me actually take the recycling out bc i do not have to lean down and pick up a large heavy milk crate directly off the ground, which hurts.

the above is a touch more defensive than i usually write these things. partly bc i find the apartment therapy instagram feed irritating as fuck and the merest whiff of association makes me want to jump out a window, weird lamp in hand.

however, there is a world of difference between "a space tightly curated for your personal taste" and "a space intentionally designed to appeal to the broadest possible audience, diluting itself into nothing in the process". so i'm probably fine actually, but it did take up an entire hour's walk while i thought about it so it was worthy of the reading slot this week

-

watching Genius Party (2007, dir many people) and Genius Party Beyond (2008, also dir many people). these are compilations of shorts from japanese Studio 4°C. these are some fun side projects where some titans of the fuckin industry got to play around for a little bit.

i like anthologies and package films and compilations and collected short stories. i would much rather something exist in the world as a tantalizing snippet than it never exist at all or be stretched thin to feature or novel length. something something you're always going to find SOMETHING compelling in a huge lot of ideas in various styles thrown at you like that, something something rough sketches always look more pleasing than clean linework to me bc the eye picks which line it finds most pleasing and fills in a lot on its own.

i thought about writing another paragraph about how letterboxd has changed my habits bc i like Making The Number Go Up, so i am more likely to watch several ninety-minute films over a weekend rather than one epic, even though a lot of epics are films i would like to watch, but this post is already really long.

my favorite short out of the bunch: Watanabe (Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo) directed Baby Blue about two friends who go to the beach and it made me cry my fuckin eyes out. you can watch all of Genius Party for free on tubi rn or (depending on your american library) kanopy. OR this 480p version on youtube

-

playing Dredge is an indie horror fishing RPG. it's got a hot mechanic that fixes your boat and that's all i really care about but i GUESS we can talk about the actual game mechanics or whatever

this is the body of a farming sim with the brain of an RPG. the daily cycle of go out and fish and investigate shit and scurry back to dock before dark/the Madness overtakes you is very familiar. so far, the slow-paced explore/economy/talking to people loop is filling the failbetter games' sunless sea shaped hole in my heart.

the demo itself only lets you putz around for about ten in-game days, which is a good choice bc it left me wanting much more. it's very polished, and the framework for a lot of the big upgrade mechanics is There but not in this demo (also a good choice). you can play it until uhhh the tenth as part of the NEXT fest demos. if you like it, add it to your fuckin wishlist. steam stats are a thing that can actually make or break a new game, bc u need a certain number of wishlists to bubble up through the algorithm and actually get presented to users in New & Noteworthy.

i really really like the fishing mechanic despite hating every fishing minigame i've ever come across, bc you will catch things without "winning" the minigame it'll just take longer. the minigame is a little bonus if you're impatient. generally this game is quite polished and has a lot of quality of life stuff one might expect from a farm sim.

something i am worried about, bc it's not really touched on in the first ten in-game days, is the occult/horror aspect. is this game going to subvert all the worst parts of lovecraft et al or will it sort of blindly embrace them? who could say. the team is very new, although at least two of them have worked in games before.

cautiously optimistic about this one lads

-

making leek and potato soup with bacon and green onions AND the chicken stock i made several weeks ago. i was too impatient to let it cook down as far as i wanted, so it's not as chunky and thick as i would like (also if i were making it again i think i would halve the amount of milk, even though i doubled the recipe).

other changes include: no chicken, bc i couldn't be bothered, and four small leeks bc if i did not use the whole bunch at once i would never have used them. didn't like the fennel seeds very much, not really sure what i would put in their place bc Wow is this thing bland. i feel like either you go whole hog with herbs de provence or you go more of a curry route with ginger/lemongrass/turmeric and friends.

no pics bc it is genuinely impossible to take good food pics in this kitchen and i cannot be bothered to go outside and like Stage a pic.

[97-liners]

nobody asked but here's my 127 thoughts

fact check - kind of boring :/ like just in terms of music, it's very standard 4th gen sounding, nothing rlly creative or groundbreaking or even particularly neo about it. like i guess it's a bummer but i have to accept at some point that musically, they peaked before 2020 and have been declining since. but at least fact check is better than ay-yo and 2 baddies ! it's fun, though, and would slap so hard in concert or in a club

space - hell yeahhhh i love 127 b-sides, this one is so good

parade - i enjoy this one too, i was absolutely delighted by the weird tone changes. totally not delighted by johnny's bad rapping though.

angel eyes - 1d ass song

yacht - fun! won't be adding it to my monthly rotation though.

je ne sais quoi - odd eye circle did it better but this song slaps too. love a vocal line bridge!!

love is a beauty - lowkey wish this was a jaehyun solo, he has such a good chill r&b voice but nooooo sm makes him rap 😒 (ngl this could also be a haechan solo, he's so good here) but either way, i like this song !!

misty - the instrumental sounds like a video game ost. i liked this song tho. sm is always making johnny come in and say corny shit in english.

real life - very sweet and cute

overall: nice album, the only miss (imo) was angel eyes but even then, it's a fun and cute song that was clearly meant for the end of a concert when they unleash the confetti and have the boys running around with lightsticks. every song in this album felt very tame, though. i've always enjoyed "normal" 127 b-sides, but i miss the noise :( especially as a predebut czennie. this album is missing the 127 noise and i miss their signature sound... i feel like they really built the 4th gen sound with their earlier music and now that they've pretty much defined the standard for boy groups for the past 3 or 4 years, it's getting harder for them to maintain their edge without dropping smth wild like sticker. i'm gonna add most of these b-sides to my monthly rotation but like. i'm still listening to their 2017-2018 discography on repeat.

[hopetorun]

tagged by @msmargaretmurry to post my top 5 most listened songs recently

8th wonder – the national parks

i linked to the song above but actually my top 3 songs according to receiptify are all from the album of the same name. number two is great sky and number three is desert creatures. i actually like the latter two better than the titular song but i guess the numbers didn't quite shake out that way. anyway i like this album a lot! it feels summery to me, in a way that the national parks usually do, and for a few weeks in late march and early april i was enjoying weather that felt like summer was imminent so it was very appropriate. less so now but hopefully again soon! (not soon if i trust the weather forecast).

anyway instead of talking about three songs off the same album i'm going to do the next four after those lol

the one that got away – muna

i've been making an effort to listen to a bunch of muna because i am going to a concert in a week despite not actually being super familiar with their discography lol. a friend was looking for someone to go with and i do love to go to a concert. also this is a banger and a great song for rotating blorbos.

if i told you – darius rucker

i have been listening to so much darius rucker recently. this isn't my favorite of his really but it is the one that spotify keeps putting on my custom playlists (i am not going to pretend to understand) and it is a really nice song. i don't have a lot of thoughts about it tho

stay a little longer – brothers osborne

i tell myself i'm not in love / but one more time is not enough. great song to imagine your otp. i have been listening to it and imagining my otps. i've been having a nightmare of a time finding songs with the right vibes for my current wip but this is one of them so it's been doing some heavy lifting recently.

how i'm feeling now – lewis capaldi

honestly where was this fic when i was writing home by now? lewis we gotta talk, i needed this song last year. i really like it tho! it really captures a specific feeling that i relate to, though.

i am not bothering to tag anyone but if you want to do this please do, i enjoy hearing people's music thoughts

[kgbird]

Did I tell y’all that my class did a “superlatives” thing? Like I never had that in high school or college or anything. But sga sent a google form out n asked people to vote stuff for other classmates.

And I was like ok another popularity contest. And I briefly worried that I would be nominated as greasiest, ugliest, weirdest, worst fashion/style, etc.

But they ended up doing one for everybody which whatever. And none of them were hateful so that’s something.

Mine was “most mysterious.” Like ofc I don’t care but I was like just say you don’t know me and let me go home. Its just a less rude way to call me the weirdest.

Other peoples had cute drawings on theirs and what not. I got scribbles and “the payback on yt” and I really don’t think it’s the James brown song. There’s a channel by that name but it is odd and has very few subs. And I srsly cant think of anything I’ve done to any of my classmates like I’ve never been mean to them or done smthn sneaky or literally anything. So I didn’t think that’s what they meant by payback. Also there was a picture of sunglasses and the yt channel uses those same glasses. I haven’t watched the vids but they look odd and maybe true crime which I don’t even like so I really don’t know. Insight welcome.

But anyway I would have preferred to have not gotten anything at all frankly. They didn’t have to include everybody. Just let it be the popularity contest it’s supposed to be. At least I didn’t overtly get called out and ik I’m the only person who remembers it.

Like I know I’m weird and off-putting and awkward in social situations but I mean… whatever idk what I expected

What’s weird is that I know at least two people who put me in for “best music taste” which was super sweet and that’s what I gotta focus on is the people who DO care to know me. But like if two people said that, why did you just… not use that? And instead actually think and work to come up with something to deliberately jab me. And the YouTube channel like idgi.

Kevin got most likely to answer every question correctly and idk why everyone loves him even tho he’s just as awkward as I am. Anyone I’ve talked to abt it says it’s bc he’s a guy. Like literally my therapist was like the hades gif “he’s a GUY!”

Mackenzie got “most likely to work in the ER” which, she hates the ER. But that is what she did for hours and I guess that’s the only thing ppl know abt her. I def think the two of us are on the bottom of the totem pole, but it doesn’t matter really cause it’s no big deal in the grand scheme, and this year I won’t be seeing anyone anyways. Plus there’s not as clearly defined social strata like high school.

Lowkey Mackenzie was trying to get in on my pity party about how no one cares about her either. And on one hand true igi but the other I was like,,, at least they knew SOMETHING about you to say… so let me have this lol.

So it’s whatever idc but I’m afraid that when I finish this rotation and any of my classmates get assigned to the office I’m at now… technically we’re not supposed to talk about each other in the clinical setting but. I have a feeling that one nurse in particular would talk to this theoretical classmate of mine and whoever it is will dump on me or whatever.

And I don’t dislike the nurse he’s just a kid so whatever but he’s also super smart in the same way kevin is. But even the other nurses or the other providers or anything! I KNOW I’ll never hear from them again but I’m scared that they’ll all talk about how weird I am. Or, to a slightly lesser degree, they’ll like my classmate a lot more than they like me and think they’re smarter than me and better w patients and not such a little crybaby. I really try to be nice at word and all that but I literally can’t help being weird like I’ve tried to be normal, but it’s so stressful bc I’m afraid people will see through it.

And I know: so what if people you’ll never see again think you’re weird? What’s the worst that could happen/whats it to you? And idk how to answer that because short of failing the rotation, that feels like the worst thing that could happen. Like if there was something I could actively do to prevent that I would. But like I said when I try, I get extremely stressed and frustrated and overwhelmed and depressed. Idk ig if the yt thing makes any sense to you, lmk.

[jeongjaebae]

kim sunwoo is literally going to be the death of me i sweaarrrr 😭😭😭😭 and yeah now that you mention it LOL i guess my bias line is dance line ft. sangyeon (you can imagine how well i was faring during the no diggity special stage jwhdkwkfek). i usually don’t have a specific archetype i gravitate towards for biases i think? usually the loserboys get me LMAO but i usually just go for anyone who i think is cute and who i’m endeared by !! like for seventeen my bias is hoshi which came kind of out of the blue for me but idk i want to keep him in my pocket T.T and for nct 127 my bias is doyoung but my nct dream bias is haechan so its a vast assortment of different personalities LOL. do you have a bias line or a type u like to gravitate towards too (for tbz and/or svt haha)?? i might be missing some off the top of my head but i think those songs def are in my top picks for bsides from reveal !

and yeah i noticed that too :(( it didnt help that 2022 was really hectic for them esp with the world tour jebdkwkdn ist is so …. 😭 i mean we all know how ist is lmfao but they’ve all said they talked a lot with each other and the company about what’s coming next so i’m really excited to see what’s gonna be in their future! and yes ! i think the comeback in january is gonna be a continuation of whisper? they teased the whistle sound at the end of the whisper mv at their kbs song festival performance so i think its definitely gonna be connected!

and i am actually… in the process of writing a tbz fic right now HAHA its a sunwoo fic! i’m probably gonna post it over at @/svnzwu for fandom consistency’s sake rather than my svt blog haha but im hoping i can take advantage of this winter break to get all if not most of it done ! BTW. UR LATEST SUNWOO FIC WAS SO ….. AUGGHHH so so so cute !! always always loving your writing <3 and yes we should make an initiative lmao Operation: Revive Deobiblr HAHA

and happy holidays!! i hope you had a merry christmas and christmas eve (if you celebrate) 🫶🫶

ngl all your talk about sunwoo (esp in that racer outfit) has gotten me in a slight sunwoo phase like.... have you seen the way he dances 👀 but yeahHHH the no diggity stage had all ur faves!! oooh you bias hoshiii 😍 i swear... when i saw him with that bird.... omg. do you have a svt bias line? also the way haechan and doyoung are the ones who like to fight each other LOL. oh yeah there was a saying in deobiland about how your bias wreckers tend to be the rest of the "line" that your bias is in - if you bias ju then your wreckers might be hyunjae or younghoon, if you bias sunwoo then wreckers might be changmin and chanhee. which seemed to be true for the people i've seen around here but you have an interesting bias line!! i think i tend to like the members who get teased by other members LMAO. so... like mingyu 😶 otherwise for svt i'd say junhui, hoshi, minghao, wonwoo! and for tbz sangyeon, younghoon!! (always rotating tho,,, as i once said "why have a dish when you can have a buffet" hehe)

ohh yeah i heard tbz were talking about the comeback on vlive and it seemed like it'd be darker/sexier? or at least a smoother choreo like no air, which i'm looking forward to!! is there like a particular concept you want to see them do? and omg ist really be making mistakes here, did you see the whole thing about eric's new song and how the producer plagiarized it.... yikes. the poor guy just got back from hiatus too like pleaseee 😭

ahhh ty for reading and for your comments!!! 🫶 the fics definitely hit different when it's for your bias right?!?! ooh what's your sunwoo fic about? and yesss i have a couple more things for Operation: Revive Deobiblr but hopefully we get some more traction with the other award shows and jan comeback 🤩

and yesss hope you had a nice christmas with your family!! happy new year too, may it be filled with all the nice things coming your way!!✨💖💫

[littlemisslipbalm]

“it’s not that important”

Summary: Y/N is in Harry’s band and one night they have a drunken hook up. One thing leads to another and they find themselves engaging in a friend’s with benefits type of situation. spoiler: it is important

AKA: A friends with benefits to lovers story :) with some angst in there

This is for @stylesharrys fallinharry10k celebration so my trope is friends with benefits! prompt is “you have no goddamn idea what you do to me. when i’m around you, i have no control of my emotions or my thoughts” and the tenth picture ^ i kinda just used it in the beginning to descripe what he was wearing - i got really carried away with this story but the prompt is in there !! lol, not proofread tho but would love your feedback !!!! :) love y’all very much 

oh boy i’ve had this done for agesss but i hadn’t written the smut until today so now we’re here i dont even remember what happens - i vaguely remember not loving the end but I hope yall enjoy

Word Count: 15.4k (longest fic to date) | Warnings: smut, angst, fluff, alcohol consumption? i dont remember but i dont think theres anything too heavy in here.

-

“Hey Harold!” You smile as you easily hop over the side of the couch and settle beside your bandmate.

Harry groans, yet can’t keep the small smile off of his face when he sees it’s you. “How many times have I told you to never call me that?”

Your eyes narrow at his faux glare. “And how many times have I told you, I simply do not care?” 

You reach a hand out and tousle his already disheveled, unstyled brown hair. Despite his lack of styling, his hair still looked perfect. His chestnut hair fell into a middle part when he did nothing to it and you found it endearing. It made him look far younger than he truly was, like a boy you might have pursued when you were in your early days at college. The waves slightly framed his prominent cheekbones and chiseled jaw that was sporting a tiny amount of stubble.

He moves his arm from around the back of the couch to pat at his hair, trying to put it back in its nondescript position you had just messed with. After he’s satisfied, he uses the same hand to push up his glasses on the bridge of his nose. They’re chestnut brown Gucci frames that match the natural highlights in his hair. You can safely assume that’s why he bought them. The lenses are clear, but you know they don’t hold any prescription. He looks incredulously at you from behind them still.

“Nice glasses,” you mention offhandedly as you reach out to the coffee table to grab the drink you had left there earlier.

Before Harry had arrived, you had been taking up residence on the couch, in the spot he had actually taken up. You had ventured to the restroom for a moment and gotten held up in a conversation when asked your preference for the Beatles. Having to defend your staunch stance for the Beatles and against the Rolling Stones, you had gotten swept up into an argument with Adam. He believed that because the Rolling Stones toured for longer warranted them the title of best rock band. While you countered that despite their long touring and production of music, the Stones had a rotation of members. The Beatles maintained the four of them and held such a large impact even though they were barely together for a decade. They were one of a kind, or at least the first of their kind, you’d allow. You weren’t really in the mood for intellectual conversation tonight, so upon seeing Harry taking up your seat, you had told Adam you’d continue the discussion at a later date and returned to your spot.  

“Thanks,” Harry mumbles as his gaze flits around the room. He wasn’t sure if you were actually complimenting him, but he would take it as one either way.

The rest of your friends are all up and about, drinking, talking, dancing. It was the usual house party scene: a relatively intimate gathering, music you all actually liked, some friends of friends feeling slightly out of place. There was no pressure in this type of gathering but still Harry wasn’t necessarily in the party mood tonight. Usually, Harry was the one instigating these types of get-togethers with his friends and bandmates. He liked to be the life of the party, but as the tour loomed closer and closer, he felt some tinge of longing for quiet and solitude. He knew he wouldn’t have much quiet while on the road, which mostly didn’t scare him. He loved the stage and the high he received from performing and the gratification he felt from all the people in the room being there to see him. But there was also that other part of him that liked the quiet, the privacy. As the lack of alone time nudged itself around the corner, he had been hoping to enjoy solitude, or at the very least peace before he was on the road. Some sort of blissful state before technical chaos ensued. When Charlotte, the host of tonight’s soiree, had texted their group chat about tonight, Harry had politely declined. Then came the slew of private texts from Charlotte giving him all the reasons he should come tonight. He tried to say no again, but had shown up after the continued begging from her.

His appearance mirrored his expression, choosing a not perfectly fitted white t-shirt and random trousers rather than picking something he really loved, like usual. You could tell something was up and as his friend you were wondering what was wrong with him.

“Don’t sound so excited, Harry, someone might mistake you for somebody who’s happy to be here.” You stick your tongue into the side of your cheek, gauging his reaction.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re not very funny?” He quips, green eyes flashing to meet yours.

Your banter is probably how the pair of you communicated the best, never really falling into the whole serious side of friendship. You never shared those late night talks about the future or your fears. It was a fun friendship, so you didn’t fancy yourself one of his closest confidants. When it came to music, you and Harry were a bit more serious which formed a sort of paradox because the music you would share with each other gave a far greater insight into your souls than you probably realized. As a member of his band, you would discuss his music and what was going on with that sort of business part. But the sharing and discussion of other music that you did was part of your friendship, even if you didn’t see it like that. Because of the countless albums you had recommended to each other and the specific songs you had made note of, Harry and you knew each other much better than you thought you did. Music connects to something deep inside yourself and you have to like it enough and know the other person well enough to believe that they will also enjoy it to recommend it. As much tongue and cheek that you partook in with Harry, deep down, unbeknownst to either of you, you were that friend he shared his hopes and fears with, through the way he knew best, music.

“No, most people find me hilarious...”

You take a sip of your drink, trying to cover up the sting that his remark actually left. Most of the time you were great at keeping up with anyone’s banter, especially Harry’s, but tonight you weren’t feeling it. His tone had sounded so harsh it almost sounded like he meant it. His features soften when he sees the way your face falls, despite your sarcastic tone.

“‘M sorry. I’m just not in the best mood tonight. Didn’t want to come, but Charlotte…” He shifts to face you, arm retracting slightly around the couch, landing his hand at the edge of your shoulder. His fingers fiddle with themselves absentmindedly, he turns his rings around his fingers and they ever so slightly brush against your shoulder. You don’t mind, you know its his nervous tick that he did whenever he didn’t have something to clink them against.

“Yeah, same here, actually.” Your tuck an out of place hair behind your ear, returning your gaze to Harry, who’s tilting his head at you curiously. “But might as well make the most of it, though. After all, this is our last week before tour starts.” You raise your glass and tilt it towards him before taking a sip.

You really didn’t have a plan, you were just trying to make him feel a little better. It was seldom you saw him so solemn at this type of gathering. He usually was the one bouncing from group to group, entertaining everyone with his dazzling charm and quick wit. Sometimes he would bring a date and spend the night with them in the corner, but that was usually at bigger parties than this. At these types of gatherings you often found yourself talking with Charlotte for most of the night. You were both new additions in the band and you had clicked immediately. You would travel in a pair between different groups and talk with everyone. Sometimes you would tell a humorous anecdote about your life and everyone would laugh wholeheartedly. Your ability to retell a story and make it hilarious every time seemed to be your secret talent. You could make any experience into a ten-minute retelling and it always sounds like the funniest moment of your life. It ranged from your embarrassing audition for Grease as a tween to your supermarket run in with an old acquaintance or B-list celebrity the day before. It didn’t matter what it was, it just always had the entire circle of people laughing and wiping their eyes with joy. You’d laugh a little with themselves, but usually you just had a triumphant smile on your lips for the rest of the night.

He nods, sipping his own drink for the first time since you had settled down beside him. “Well, I’m all ears.”

“What?”

“Give me your suggestions on how to make the most of tonight.”

“Drinking, mostly, was my plan,” you laugh nervously as Harry continues to stare at you intently.

“Mostly?”

“I mean, what do you want me to say? I didn’t think to pack my bouncy castle, my bad.”

He bites back a laugh but lets some air escape his defined nose, before staring with a deadpan face at you.

You like to tease him. You simply liked him. Harry was different from other men you knew. You were pretty sure most people could say that though. Harry was just different. It seemed like no one could not have some sort of affection for him. With the playful friendship the pair of you had, you always skirted the edge of flirtation. But you also didn’t particularly ever want to cross any lines with him. He was the employer of you, technically. He had brought you into his backing band and you wouldn’t do anything to harm that position. As well, at the end of the day you knew Harry. His tendencies and the choices he made.

When you were around him at parties like this, you had to try really hard to keep him at an arm’s length. Because on one hand, you would drink and suddenly the boundaries you put up didn’t seem that important, instead his lips started to look rather inviting, but on the other, you knew that he was extremely emotionally closed off to any relationship that was more than either friendship or a one night stand.

Harry doesn’t give you a response, just swings back his drink. The pair of you sit and drink in silence. Before you know it, Harry and you are five drinks in, finally talking after the second. The pair of you decide to move to the balcony outside and continue your conversation there after the third. After the fourth, you're getting really handsy and by the end of the fifth, Harry’s arm is wrapped tightly around your waist and you're laughing breathlessly into his neck. It looks like he’s just shielding you from the cold night air, but both of you seemed to be enjoying each other’s embrace for other reasons.

Finally catching your breath, you lean back and pant softly as you meet eyes with Harry. His pupils have blown out from the alcohol and dark light. The emerald green barely surrounds the black and you swear there’s flecks of gold or maybe brown in them. Your brows scrunch at the revelation and Harry asks what you’re thinking. You don’t respond, too entranced and drunk to even hear him.

“Oi,” he bops your nose, “What is goin’ on in there, little lady?”

Your hand reaches up and widens Harry’s eye manually. His inebriated state has no qualms about you doing such an odd thing. “Why’s your green not actually green?”

“What?” He asks before moving your hand away from his face, it instead falls to his chest. The pair of you shift until your caged between his body and the balcony’s ledge. You pout as you stare up at him. His skin looks soft and taught over every inch of his face and neck. The urge to kiss him keeps nagging at the back of your mind. The idea keeps creeping up closer and closer and the drunker you are the less likely you are to suppress it.

“Do you want to fuck me?” You blurt out.

“Sure.” Harry isn’t taken aback. He had been thinking about asking for a while, so he was glad you had asked first, made it easier for him.

“Okay, let’s go.”

He takes you back to your place, the pair of you catching a cab the short distance between yours and Charlotte’s flats. No one blinks an eye at the pair of you leaving together. Everyone watched the pair of you sulk all night about being there and only enjoying the other’s company, so they weren’t keen on either of you staying. Charlotte was simply glad the pair of you had stayed for as long as you did.

The two of you walk casually until you’re inside your bedroom. Once inside, Harry throws you on the bed and fucks you. Hard. He’s got you spread out in more ways than you had ever thought possible. He’s got you saying things you had never even dreamed of saying. And he’s got you cumming and screaming more than you could have ever wanted. He enjoys himself as well. He loves the way you feel around him and the way your eyes look up at him while he fucks you straight into the bed. He loves the way you sound whispering dirty things and screaming his name. He loves the feel of your soft skin all over your body as he pushes deep inside you. He loves the way you’re able to rip a guttural moan from him every time he cums. And he cums three times that night. While it wasn’t quiet, he did find that blissful state he had been in desperate need of.

After the third round, Harry feels spent. He brings himself into a sitting position, legs hanging off the edge of your bed. You’re lying in your bed, completely overstimulated, cumming at least twice as many times as Harry. He scratches at the top of his head, his bicep bulging as he folds his arms around himself.

“That was fucking good, Y/N. Just what I needed.”

You can only hum in response.

Then he takes your blanket and lays it over you. After that he begins to stand up, getting ready to grab his things and go.

“You don’t have to go…” your voice raises when you realize what he’s doing.

“Yeah, I do. This was just a one time thing, yeah? I enjoyed it, but you know...”

“Erm, I guess?” You rolled to fully look at him, he was pulling his t-shirt back on now, his marked chest disappearing beneath the white fabric. “Do you really not stay over at your one night stands?”

He thinks about it as he begins with his shoes and his glasses at the same time. “Yes? Usually I don’t know the person and I don’t particularly want to sign an autograph when I leave in the morning. Best to leave immediately afterwards.”

“That was exactly why I wanted you to stay...Shit! No chance you’ll give me an autograph now? Could sign my tit, right next to your hickies.”

He laughs, automatically in a better mood after the catharsis of having sex. It was also a relief for him that you didn’t seem to be weird about the hook up. “Shut up!”

“You’re a twat, Harold.” He groans instinctively at the annoying nickname, not caring about the ‘twat’ part. “But be my guest, you can freeze your arse off while waiting for your cab outside at this hour.”

“Rude..” He mutters, standing in your doorway now. “You wouldn’t actually make your employer stand out in the cold at this time of night. I haven’t even got a jumper. Could get a cold and ruin my voice. ”

“You’re the one who says it’s best to leave immediately. Get on it, mister.”

Your hand makes a shooing movement, but he doesn’t budge. You sigh as he makes a puppy dog face - eyes wide and a puckered pout with his flushed cheeks and lips - playing into your actual kindness, that he knows is somewhere. Your sweetness that you were keeping hidden from Harry right now. Nothing was serious between you so it made sense that you were trying not to let your innate ability to care show as he’s about to walk out on you.

“Ugh, fine. Stop looking at me like that. Just grab one of my coats from the bottom right, they’re all oversized so one should fit.” He doesn’t relent on the face. “And you can stay inside until your cab comes.” You sigh and throw one of your pillows at him. He catches it easily and throws it back, much softer than your throw. “Also never pull the employer card on me again when I’m naked in the bed you just fucked me in,” you call as he looks through your closet.

Returning with a patchwork coat you had thrifted tight over his shoulders, he looks at you seriously, “Yeah sorry about that part. Definitely wasn’t trying to exert my power over you, it sounded better in my head. Meant more like you could ruin my voice and both of our jobs.”

You nod and chuckle slightly, finding how inarticulate Harry could be as an endearing trait. His explanation didn’t actually make it sound better. “The jacket fits.” You say, choosing to move forward from Harry’s weirdness, knowing he didn’t mean any harm from his initial statement.

“Yeah, thanks. I think my cab is here,” He glances at his phone, “So I’ll go...See you?”

“I’m sure.” You smile, “We do in fact work together and will soon be touring the world. Would be a bit weird if I didn’t see you.”

“Right.” He nods and adds a peace sign before he walks out of your sight. You know he’s gone when you hear the door click shut. What an interesting night.

-

Love on Tour had just started and Harry couldn’t lie. He couldn’t keep his mind off of you. You were both his most recent partner and the best he had had in a while. He found himself rubbing over the spots on his neck and clavicle that you had given particular attention to during the night you had shared together. When he went to bed it was your body he pictured to get himself off. So, after the first show he’s beelining to you at the beginning of the after party. He’s got an adrenaline high and he needs a release. You’re the solution. He’s whispering in your ear, asking if you’d like to meet him in his dressing room. Your eyes study his face when he pulls back and they widen slightly when the realization of what he’s implying dawns on you. Then you’re nodding and excusing yourself from a random conversation five minutes later.

Inside Harry’s dressing room, you find Harry already unbuttoning his shirt. He grabs your face and shoves his lips onto yours once you lock the door. As he kisses you he tries to make one thing very clear, “This doesn’t mean anything.”

“Got it.” You begin to finish Harry’s job of taking off his shirt.

He pulls back to look you in the eye, “Are you okay with that?”

“Jesus fuck, yes, Harry, just shut up and fuck me senseless again!”

He listens to you and begins to kiss down your jaw and neck. His open-mouth kisses leave a searing trail across your skin. He settles on a spot at the base of your neck and begins to suck and nip at it with vigor. You set to work on finishing his job of unbuttoning his shirt. Then you pull off your own shirt, reaching behind you to untie the bows at the back. The new skin exposed grabs Harry’s attention and he moves down to suck over the cleavage of your tits. He’s happy to be back with his ‘bosom friends’. You smack his head when he says it and he chuckles darkly, only sucking harder on them causing you to moan louder than you would like.

Once you’re both in only your underwear, you find your back pressed up against the mirror behind the dressing room counter. Harry’s body is nestled between your spread legs as he kisses down your skin. His fingers dance along the line of your thong as he looks up from beneath his lashes for position, you only push his head closer to your heat in response. He laughs mischievously before tugging them down off your hips.

“Missed this pretty little cunt...All I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout,” He mutters as he begins to latch onto your dripping core.

Your brows shoot up at the thought that Harry’s mind has been stuck on you for the past week. You definitely had thought about your drunken hook up a bit, but hadn’t thought it had left a lasting impression on Harry, you assumed he had that lovely of a night with every person he chose to spend intimate time with. These thoughts are forgotten when Harry’s warm tongue is lapping at your swollen bud. You’re already panting for Harry and now you’re heaving with moans and whimpers leaving your mouth with every lick and nip of his expert mouth.

“Fuck Harry, feels so good,” you whine as his tongue travels down your folds and swirls and dips into your hole.

He moans at your words and the way your legs squeeze at his head. His hands move to spread you open wide to maintain his control and he smirks at the way your body rolls due to the friction of his voice against your pussy.

“Be a good girl f’me,” he growls still pressed against your wet heat.

Your body rolls again as you get closer and closer to your first release. Your bite your lip trying to contain all of the sounds that are trying to escape your mouth. Harry notices the new silence and glances up seeing how you’re trying to behave. As much as he likes you obeying his words, he also wanted to hear how he was pleasuring you.

“Tell me how you feel, princess,” he demands.

“So-so good,” you hiccup as his fingers caress over your folds now as he looks you in the eyes, his lips wet with your slick. He kisses you hard, his tongue diving into your mouth and you kiss back passionately, loving your taste on his tongue.

He pulls back and your hands trail down his chest, swirling around his familiar tattoos and hair that grace his lower torso as you move. He grins, enjoying the feeling of you on him and how he was affecting you.

Soon enough, his cock is finding its way back to your glistening folds, wet with your own liquids as well as his saliva. His mouth waters at the sight. He only pushes into you a few times like this. Then he catches sight of himself in the mirror in front of him and can’t resist. He pulls out and flips you over, your squeal leaving your mouth before you can stop yourself. His dick finds your entrance once again, not wanting to be without the wonderful warmth for any longer than he must.

“Ahhh,” Harry groans when he slips back inside.

Your head throws back on your neck, the feeling of him as well as the sight of him gripping your hair in one hand and your fleshy hip in the other. His rings dig into the skin as he’s able to slam more forcefully in this position. You gasp and whine at his motions. The sounds coming from between your legs are turning you on even more and they seem to make Harry happy too. He picks up the pace and drops the grasp of your hair for a second. Your head falls down as you try to keep yourself up on your elbows.

Gripping both of your hips, Harry growls, “Look at me while I fuck you. C’mon now.”

You moan in response and tear your eyes open to see your reflections in the mirror. One hand goes up to hold onto the mirror to give yourself more traction, causing your back to arch even more. The new position has Harry’s cock slamming into you deeper.

“Fuck!” Harry practically yells and can’t keep himself from landing a harsh slap on your ass. You jump forward at the sting but his other hand keeps the pace steady. He keeps burying himself into you all the way to his base, his balls slapping at your now slick spread thighs. He rubs over the red handprint he had just left on your ass. You whimper and bite your lip, truly enjoying the sensation.

Still staring into the mirror as Harry commanded, your eyes water slightly and Harry makes eye contact with you through the mirror. You smile widely and he grins back. “This feels so fucking good. Your pussy takes me so well. Fuck…” Harry babbles, still pistoning into you. You had noticed how vocal he was the first time you had fucked, but thought it had just been the alcohol. Apparently not. But you didn’t mind, you much preferred it to partners who barely spoke or didn’t even moan. Like how were you supposed to know what was going on in their minds? With Harry, you knew he was having a good time.

A few more heavy thrusts and you felt yourself nearing the edge. Your panting was getting faster, exceeding the speed of Harry’s thrusts and he could also feel you were close. Your cunt began squeezing him tighter so he hooked a hand under your knee and brought it onto the table. He hunched over you slightly and snaked his hand to your clit. “C’mon darling, I know you're close. Can feel that little cunt putting a choke hold on my cock.” He rubs at your clit with the vigor of strumming a quick paced song on the guitar. It’s enough to overtake your senses and the laugh that had bubbled from his words turns into your orgasm moan. You try to muffle it into the arm that is holding you against the mirror to avoid a full on scream because it feels that good. You felt like you were having your first ever orgasm, it felt that new to you.

A few more thrusts and you’ve come down from it, but Harry still hasn’t finished. It’s your turn to be the partner coaxing the other to get off. “Faster, Har. Want you to cum too.” He grunts, picking back up the pace. He had slowed to let you ride out your stay. “That’s it...want you to cum in me. Your cock feels so fucking good.” You whine, meaning every word. He smiles again at you and closes his eyes, focusing on chasing his high. You watch as his smile widens to that open mouth grin, “Fuck,” he almost whispers. And there it is. There’s a twitch in his hips that mirrors his expression and then he’s pulling out and cumming on your back. His voice is now even lower and raspier than before as he babbles how good that was and how tight your pussy was. It was sweet nothings, but extremely explicit and you sighed heavily, feeling a small orgasm wash over you again. His final thrusts and voice pushing you off the cliff again easily.

The two of you take a minute to bring your breathing back to normal and Harry goes to clean your back off.

“So..how do you feel about maybe doing this regularly?”  Harry asks sheepishly as he begins to pull his pants back on.

“Like a friends with benefits kind of thing? Or bandmates with benefits, rather.” You laugh breathlessly at your not really funny joke, but you’re now truly exhausted. From the show and the fuck, you felt thouroughly worked out.

“I guess that’s what it is, yeah.”

“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.”

“You’re honestly so chill, Y/N. It’s fuckin’ hot.”

You laugh and flip your hair dramatically. You’re only in your bra and panties right now and Harry licks his lips, finding your playfulness to be a turn on. “What can I say?” You laugh.

“But like I said before...it’s just sex.” He’s buttoning up his shirt and looking at your reflection through the mirror now. He watches you slip the pants you had been wearing back on.

“Oh, Harold, I know.” On cue, he groans and turns around to face you after fixing his mused hair in the mirror. Interrupting yourself, you turn your back to Harry, “Can you tie this, sorry it’s hard for me to get the -” Harry walks to you without any hesitation and begins tying the silk ribbons on the back of your shirt. “Thanks. Anyway,” you turn to face him when he’s finished and you place both of your palms on his chest. “Trust me, I know you’ve got your issues and I’m not looking to be the girl that tries to change you. I know what this is. I only ask that you let me know when you sleep with other people, because once you do, you won’t need me.” Harry nods and you pat your hands against him. You both smile and go your separate ways when you leave the dressing room.

-

Harry and you fucked almost every night on tour. Sometimes it was right after, on the counter in his dressing rooms. Sometimes it was later in the evening in his hotel room or yours. He stopped leaving immediately after your hook ups. He never kicked you out of his room so he decided it was fine for him to stay in yours. Especially because you weren’t a stranger who would be weird with him in the morning. He also didn’t like trekking through the hotel halls late at night.

The first few times you stayed in the same bed, the two of you stayed on opposite sides of the bed, not touching after you were finished engaging in your sexual endeavours. Rigid bodies against the edges of the mattress. Then one particularly long night, filled with multiple rounds, Harry was so exhausted from his performance on stage and off that he collapsed on top of you. He fell asleep there and you didn’t particularly mind. It felt nice to be slightly compressed and held. He shifted in his sleep and when he woke up he wasn’t upset to find you nestled into his side with his arms wrapped around you. After that, cuddling sort of became part of the routine. After you were done having sex, Harry or you would get up to clean up and bring back waters. Then you would settle in his arms. Sometimes in a spooning position and sometimes you cradled softly into his chest. You didn’t talk about it, it just happened.

One night it was your head directly on top of his butterfly tattoo, one leg thrown over his lower torso and your arm snuggly wrapped around his middle. He liked to pet your hair when you laid against his chest in that way. His fingers would fiddle with the strands and you liked it because he usually took off his rings before he would do it and his hands felt so soft and delicate against you. Harry liked the way he felt when he would hold you afterwards. It was calming to fall asleep against your soft skin and feel your fingertips trace lyrics to songs he wasn’t sure the name of against his own.

No one knew about how your friendship with Harry worked. To the rest of the world, you seemed to be someone who had become another close friend in the band. You were similar to Mitch in many respects. Except for when Harry winked at you during a show, it wasn’t a friendly wink, it was a ‘this song makes me horny and I can’t wait to relieve the pressure by fucking you later’ kind of wink. You knew this because Harry had gone over and whispered it in your ear during a quick break, when you had only looked at him weirdly after he did it.

Before the show tonight, you pulled Harry aside, “So what are we thinking tonight? I feel like I might want to ride you...Haven’t been on top in a while.” In the darkness of the backstage, you crane your neck to take Harry’s earlobe between your teeth. He groans softly and grips your hips to guide them against his for a second. “Sounds fuckin’ fantastic, love.” You twitch back, releasing him immediately at the word. You always told him not to call you that and he tried to reason with you, that it was just something he called people. But you disliked it a lot, adding it to the growing list of rules the pair of you had for the do’s and don'ts of being friends with benefits with each other.

“Harold,” you groan and he steps back at that pet name. While he hated this, you refused to let him put it on the list because it didn’t cross any lines with your physical arrangement. Not that there was any physical list to put it on, it was more of a theoretical list that the two of you would speak of occasionally.

“Sorry.” He says eventually, “Didn’t mean it.” You both laugh.

You think about how other relationships were sometimes desperate to hear their partner express their love for them and you believe you’re grateful for the simplicity of your arrangement. The term relationship regarding what you and Harry were doing was also in the ‘don’t’ category on the list. If either of you were being honest, there should be no need for a list and you should be questioning yourselves why you felt the need to set boundaries if one part of it was physical and the other part was your friendship and job. If it truly was just physical why were boundaries constantly needing to be set and followed? But right now honesty was not in the cards.

-

After the show Harry gets delayed with press or fans or something that you don’t really care about. You barely read the text that he sends, only caring about the ‘sorry got held up’ and the ‘be there in thirty’.

You let yourself into his room and wait on the bed, flipping through your phone, completely unbothered by the rest of the world. When you hear a knock on the door, you don’t think twice about getting up and opening the door. You only realize your terrible mistake when it’s Mitch and not Harry standing at what you’re also just realizing isn’t your door, but instead Harry’s.

“Shit!” you say under your breath as Mitch looks at you confused.

The room is dark behind you because Harry would have just entered and gotten down to business. He might turn on a side lamp, but you hadn’t felt the need to have light on while you waited. Forgetting all of that, you had just gone to the door and opened it.

Mitch tucks some of his hair behind his ear as he stares at you. “Is Harry here?”

“Er..No?” It comes out as a question. You rub the back of your ankle with your foot, feeling nervous.

“Is he actually not here or?” Mitch trails off, narrowing his eyes at you.

“No, no he’s really not here. I’m waiting for him, too.” You rush your words, but try to remain calm.

“You have a key to his room. And you’re waiting in the dark.” He says. They’re not questions and you’re not sure just how guilty you look.

“Yeah!” You try to come up with a non suspicious response, hoping there’s a way to still salvage your’s and Harry’s secret, “He gave me his key because he wanted to talk about something and I kept it dark because my eyes always hurt after shows. Kind of like a migraine.” You scratch at your head and smile, trying to convince Mitch. He seems to believe you as he nods slowly and opens his eyes more.

There’s a little bit of an awkward silence and Mitch shifts his weight between his feet, looking at you still. Just as you're about to invite Mitch to come wait inside with you, Harry steps out of the elevator and begins to walk down the hall. His key card is already in hand and your eyes widen. Harry’s expression mirrors yours when he realizes Mitch is standing outside of his door and that you are standing with him. “Mitch!” Harry says, placing his hand on Mitch’s shoulder and sliding his key card into his back pocket with the other. Mitch turns to Harry without seeing him put away the other key card and you look at the pair of them.

“I was just telling Mitch how you gave me your key card so we could talk about...that thing.” You interject, flicking the lights on in Harry’s room as casually as possible. Harry shoots you a look about how you couldn’t come up with an actual reason for being there. You shrug your shoulders helplessly.

Mitch looks between the two of you and feels some weird tension and he’s not sure if it's always there and he’s just noticing or if something is going on right now.

“Yeah, well, I came to stop by to talk about the riff in Canyon Moon. Something is wonky with it.”

“Oh! Sure,” Harry nods to Mitch and then glances at you, “Y/N, we can talk about that other thing later. It’s not that important anyway.” His tone is so casual and nonchalant. You stare at him, thinking he can’t be serious. You had been almost sure he would send Mitch away, but instead you were being kicked to the curb. When he doesn’t say sike or anything of the sort, you nod. “Okay,” then you mumble a ‘good luck’ with figuring out the problem with the song. Mitch walks in the door, but Harry’s eyes stay fixed on your figure retreating down the hallway. He watches you disappear and is only pulled from his thoughts when Mitch calls his name from the couch in the room.

After reaching your floor, you key into your room and get ready for bed. Just as you’re about to drift off to sleep, completely alone for once in a long time, there’s another knock. This time you check the peephole, a habit you realized you were going to have to get better at. It’s Harry. You open the door and walk away immediately once he’s entered the room.

“Why are you here?”

“Thought we could still...” He follows you into the room, trying to make out your face in the darkness.

“I’m not in the mood anymore.” Your tone gives away your annoyance. You couldn’t hide that you were mad at Harry for sending you away. It made you feel weird. The way he did it so easily made you feel like you were extremely disposable and unwanted.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs as he lays down beside you. You turn to face him when he places a hand on the small of your back. You’re face to face and your noses are almost brushing. It’s not really possible to see each other’s features, but after months of hooking up you knew each other’s faces pretty well. You could reach out and pinpoint all of Harry’s freckles and moles on his face and neck right now and be correct. He could likely do the same. The theory is proven correct when he reaches out and his hand dances down your cheek. “Just thought it would be less suspicious if I didn’t get rid of him. Couldn’t make him wait either…”

“I know,” your voice is small and soft, just above a whisper, “I forgive you.” You scoot closer to him and Harry instinctively wraps his arm around you, bringing you tightly into him. You sigh into his neck and he shivers at your warm breath on his slightly clammy skin. When you lick your lips, they brush lightly against his skin. He laughs at the feeling, so you decide to press an intentional kiss to the hollow in his neck. In response, he presses a kiss to your hairline, his lips slightly chapped after the concert.

The kisses are tender, filled with that thing neither of you dare attribute to anything the two of you did in the dark. The word you told him time and time again to not call you. So is just about every touch and word that has been exchanged in this room since Harry entered it. You fall asleep wrapped up in his arms, a soft smile resting on both of your faces. Neither of you seem to mind that you didn’t actually have sex tonight or anything even close to it.

-

When you wake up you feel especially well rested. You shift around and realize your bed is empty besides you. It depended on the day, but it was always a toss up between Harry being there when you woke up or not. However, lately, you had found it was usually the former. You would linger longer and so would Harry in each other’s rooms, lounging in each other’s embrace under the soft glow of the morning light peaking through whatever windows the room had. Today you were cold at his absence. Then you look up and realize you aren’t completely alone. Harry is standing at the end of your bed, staring down at his phone, smiling.

“Hey.”

You wait for his reply, but he doesn’t look up from his phone. “Hey, Harold,” you repeat. His head snaps up, a grimace on his face at the name. He slips his phone in his pocket and ruffles his hair. “Hey.” He finally responds. “I’m gonna head out.”

“Okay.”

Neither of you seem to find it necessary to talk about what happened last night. Harry definitely seemed a little off to you this morning, but you try to shake it from your thoughts. There was no reason to be upset with him being quiet. He didn’t owe you anything, you hadn’t even slept together last night, so if anything it was weird he stayed as long as he did.

It was the second night at the Forum in Los Angeles. This means no travelling necessary. No day off either, tomorrow you’d have a day off before the third and final show at the venue though.

Harry and you were talking normally at the venue, mostly about the setlist - him and Mitch had changed something for whatever reason last night, which was fine. Your banter was to a minimum, but you were trying to convince yourself that nothing was off. Even though it felt like something was different, you couldn’t place your finger on what it was, so you thought it was best to ignore it.

When Harry is about to go out on stage, you don’t pull him aside and when he introduces the members of the band to the audience, he doesn’t say anything fun or silly about you. He doesn’t wink or come up to you at any point in the performance. It’s so unusual the rest of your bandmates are giving you funny looks. Charlotte looks at you from across your keyboard in a way that she’s asking if you’re okay. You shake your head at everyone trying to signal that you’re fine.

Mitch goes over to Harry and whispers in his ear to check in with him, Harry looks at him with a bright smile on his face and says “of course, why wouldn’t I be?” Mitch looks between the pair of you, thinking back to last night and how weird the pair of you were being then. Maybe it dawns on him then what might be going on between the two of you, but if he did, he wouldn’t mention it for a long time.

You falter a bit on your back up vocals tonight. You’re trying to give it your all, like always, but for some reason your voice isn’t sounding the way you want it. About halfway through the show, when your voice comes out the exact opposite of how you would like, Harry finally gives you a second glance. His face practically emotionless, save for the single arched brow. He’s concerned, but not concerned enough where he would go over to you. He just doesn’t understand why you keep missing the right note tonight. You make a shake of your hand to say I don’t know either. He just shrugs and turns back around to continue the show, his lively smile returning while he turns his head.

After the show, Charlotte, Sarah, and you are all checking in, going over what had happened during the show in general. They’re both worried about your voice and you’re simply trying to tell them that it was just an off night. Nothing was wrong. As long as you told everyone else that, then it might turn out to be true.

“It’s fine, maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night,” you fib, having gotten more sleep last night than most other nights on this tour. They both nod, seeming to take that as a reasonable answer.

Then Charlotte gets quieter as she whispers to the three of you, “Did you guys notice anything weird with Harry? He was super lively, but he barely interacted with you, Y/N, which is so unlike him...”

Sarah nods while you look skeptically on. Sarah adds, “He kept looking up to the boxes, too. More than usual at least. I don’t know though…” She trails off and you cross your arms over your chest, not really enjoying the conversation topic. “I mean, what do you think, Y/N?” Sarah adds.

Your eyes dance between the two women, your fellow bandmates, your friends. You sometimes wished you could share with them what you were doing with Harry. The secret was fun, but it’s also nice to be able to share with your girlfriends about the guy you’re seeing, even if it is a casual thing. The friendly gossip of it all is something fun to share, but sadly that was another thing you couldn’t do. You sigh, “You never really know what’s going on in his mind, y’know. He’s just Harry.” Your response is half-assed at best. You figure they’ll both give you shit for the non-answer you just supplied, but instead someone else speaks for them.

“I am in fact, just Harry.” He says and you swivel around to find yourself almost chest to chest with him. Charlotte laughs while Sarah simply smiles. Your eyes are huge as you stare up at him and you hope your blush doesn’t come out too strongly after being caught talking about Harry by himself. “Enlighten me on when I was being ‘just Harry’ though?” You bite your lip and take a step back from him, forming more of a line with the other women. He shrugs when no one offers a response, laughing lightly.

“Oh and Y/N, I can’t talk about that thing again tonight, I’ve got-”

“A date?” Charlotte asks, trying to understand why Harry was acting a little different tonight still. The part that Sarah had mentioned about him looking up into the boxes had given her the idea that he might have plans with someone after the show. Harry scratches his head, his hair slightly wet with sweat right after the show. He’s taken off his coat so he’s just in the almost completely unbuttoned, sweat soaked shirt he had been wearing underneath. It sticks tight to his skin and you can make out all the muscle lines that hide beneath the fabric that you usually get to caress. Your eyes flit from his body back to his face when he speaks again.

“Erm, I wasn’t going to phrase it like that...but yes, I suppose, it’s a date.” He says finally, he avoids your eye contact and you look at him very confused, trying to hide the hurt. He shoves his hands in his pockets trying to look and sound as casual as possible and ignore the strain he sees on your face. Is that what had held him up yesterday? Making plans with someone else? And he hadn’t told you until now? The past twenty four hours stung a little bit more now that you knew why Harry was being so distant. It simply felt icky finding out this way and it didn’t even seem like he was going to tell you it was a date.

“Okay,” you say simply and walk away. You hear Charlotte asking him details about his date, but you try actively not to hear any of it. Sarah watches you walk away and sees the way you wrap your arms around yourself to comfort you. She feels a twinge of sadness as she watches the scene unfold, seeing something she hadn’t realized was there before.

Harry doesn’t text or call you that night. You hang out with everyone else for a little while in Charlotte’s room before heading to bed, saying you think you need an early night tonight. Before you’re able to walk out of the door, Mitch stops you. “I heard Harry blew off whatever conversation the two of you have been trying to have again. Just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” You try to smile but it comes out as more of a grimace. There is no conversation Harry is blowing off, it’s simply you. “It’s fine. Like he said yesterday, it’s not important.” Mitch nods, but still looks at you with concern. What he had seen last night, then on stage today, and what Sarah had told him about your interaction after the show it all strung together in his mind. It didn’t seem unimportant at all. But he didn’t know how he could tell you that. He felt like he should talk to Harry about the way you looked when you left Charlotte’s room tonight, but he didn’t know how to bring it up to him either.

You don’t realize you’re crying until you're in the elevator, and it’s slowly rising to your floor of the hotel. You’re only one level up, but it feels like an eternity in there. You already weren’t a fan of elevators, but this ride felt impossibly worse. The walls are all made up of mirrors and you see yourself in the reflection, but you don’t exactly recognize the girl in there. Your eyes are tired from the show, dark circles already formed. Your hands are aching, clenching and unclenching on their own accord. Your body is slumped against the back wall, likely leaving a slight imprint from the smoke residue and dust on your clothes. Worst of all are the tears running down your face, smudging at your makeup, the black mascara you had applied dripping down in sinister raindrops against your skin. The sad girl stares back at you as you sniffle slightly, confused at what you’re seeing. “Why are you crying?” you ask yourself, your voice creaking and then breaking at the end as you struggle to get out the word ‘crying’ before a sob wracks through you. You roll your eyes when your reflection offers no explanation for itself. You laugh at your own patheticness and try to shake the feelings you’re experiencing.

Inside your room now, you flop on the bed and stare straight up at the ceiling. Your arms spread to your sides and your legs lay limply below you. You think about every night before last, every night since the tour started. Every night where you weren’t alone, where you were with Harry. Your mind flits to last night, how Harry’s lips had ghosted over your skin after his apology. How you had told him you forgave him and it had felt so peaceful, so simple. It was all so easy. Thinking about him and the things the two of you did together brought a smile to your face, unbeknownst to you. When you realize it’s there, your face drops immediately, deciding not to think about Harry.

But trying to not think about Harry makes you only think about him more and what you think about him now most definitely doesn’t bring a smile to your face. You’re thinking about him out on his date with some person you chose to learn nothing about. Maybe out of fear of what is happening right now. By knowing nothing about the person, you can’t compare yourself to them. Can’t see what’s different about them that would make Harry go out on a date with them. But it doesn’t matter who they are or what they look like because at the end of it all you know one thing for certain. They’re not you. You correct yourself, you know two things actually, because you also know that Harry chose to be with them instead of you tonight.

You fall asleep with tear stained cheeks that night and absolutely nothing positive on your mind. You want to sleep but know it only brings whatever is bound to happen tomorrow, which doesn’t seem very promising.

-

It’s noon when you wake up and you wake to a knocking on your door. You grumble and throw a sweatshirt over your body to hide the underwear you slept in. Not remembering your new habit, you swing the door open without any hesitation to find Harry. He looks wide awake and happy, the way he almost always looks, a fresh beautiful flower of a man. You look at him groggily, “What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“Because I was asleep?” You tilt your head and look at him incredulously. “What about this,” you gesture to your appearance, “looks like I just went for a 3 mile jog for fun and I love the morning?”

“Can I come in?” He ignores everything you just said and enters the room when you leave the door to get back in bed. You often did that with him, you don’t know why, but when he asked to come in the room it was just simpler to let him in then say anything. He knew what you meant.

He sits at the edge of the bed as you reclaim your spot in the middle of it, tucked slightly under the covers, but still sitting up. “How was your date?” You try to sound nonchalant and it seems to work. Harry doesn’t notice your tense figure, but you notice how he tenses up when you ask.

“Good…Her name was-” You don’t let him finish, you already know the answer to this next question and you don’t need her name in order to ask it, “Did you fuck her?”

He’s silent, green eyes staring straight at you. You meet his gaze, your eyes almost burning holes into him. His eyes are begging you to not make him answer the question, he doesn’t want this to end, even if he also didn’t want the commitment he had felt himself exhibiting the other night.

When he had come to your room the other night after Mitch had almost caught you, he knew he shouldn’t have stayed. He didn’t want you to feel bad so he had come to apologize, but when the pair of you didn’t have sex, he should have left. But he didn’t, he stayed and it wasn’t for you, it was for himself. It was for him to hold you in his arms because he liked to. But when he woke up the next morning he knew he needed to leave. Solely cuddling wasn’t part of your arrangement together. It’s probably on the list of don'ts that the pair of you had. So after he realized the line he had willingly crossed with you, he quickly sent a text to Jeff who had tried to set him up with a model they were acquaintances with the night before - the reason he had gotten held up. Harry had initially declined, not very interested in seeing anyone else but you. But looking back on that choice in the light of day seemed to solidify what this relationship was - a relationship - and Harry didn’t like that. The commitment wasn’t part of the plan, so he told Jeff to set that date up for after the second show at the Forum and give the woman a ticket. That’s why he was smiling at his phone the morning after only cuddling with you, that’s why he didn’t joke around with you during the show, and that’s why he wasn’t in your bed last night.

You watch him expectantly, silently waiting for his answer, your veins cold as ice. He finally starts his answer and he wants to make it clear that it wasn’t as good with the other woman, but he’s not sure how to work that part in. He’s not sure how to explain to you it meant nothing if your arrangement also apparently meant nothing. You barely even let him get in a sentence. “Yes, but it was just a one time-”

“Alright.”

“What?” He doesn’t understand what you mean when you nod your head and cut him off.

“I told you at the beginning, Harry. Tell me when you sleep with someone else because when you do this is over. It doesn’t matter if she’s the love of your life or a one night stand. I will not be a backup plan, so if you’re able to find other people to sleep with, you don’t need to be sleeping with me.”

He sits in silence for a moment, his jaw dropped open slightly. He’s unable to keep it shut as his mind races about what to say. “Are you mad with me?”

“No, I’m fine. This was just sex. Charlotte will be happy that I’ll be going out with her more.”

Harry’s brow furrows as you shift away from him on the bed, grabbing your phone and beginning to flick through it. You feel numb and you’d like to not think about why.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks because he does care about you, worry is written all over his face. He just can’t commit, not now.

“What would I be mad about, Harry?” You look up and your eyes widen at him, silently asking him to truthfully say why you should be so upset about this revelation. You always knew it would eventually come to an end, you just hadn’t expected so soon. You hadn’t known the last time would be the last time and it broke your heart even if you knew it shouldn’t.

He shifts to reach his hand out to touch your exposed knee. You move away from him and he sighs, looking exasperated. “I- I don’t know. It just seems like we should talk about this.”

“You didn’t even think it was necessary to tell me you were going on a date last night, so I think it’s best if we just left it at ‘it’s fine, see you around’.”

He spreads his hands out across the sheets, examining his rings and painted nails thoroughly. You’re right, he doesn’t really want to talk about this. Well, more so, he’s conflicted. He would like to talk enough that you want to continue your arrangement but he doesn’t want to talk about feelings or emotions. Even if he has those feelings and emotions, they’re just not part of the things he’d like to talk about. “But-” You set your phone down at his first word, “Were you even going to tell me you fucked someone else today if Charlotte hadn’t asked you if it was a date last night? Would you just have come to my room tonight and acted like nothing had changed?”

“I would have told you.”

“Sure.”

“I swear I would’ve. I would never break a promise to you.”

“But you would make a decision that affects the both of us without telling me until afterwards?” Your voice breaks a little and you beg yourself not to cry right now.

“I thought you said this was just sex?”

You laugh humorlessly, in disbelief, “Of course it’s not, Harry! And it hasn’t been for a long time and that’s why you got scared and went and fucked someone else.” He looks at you blankly, unsure what to say, knowing you’re right. You continue, “But I also told you at the beginning of this, that I wasn’t going to try to change you. So this is me not trying to change you.” You sigh when he still says nothing, his expression completely unreadable, even to you. “Why couldn’t you have left it at ‘it’s fine’?” You say finally, barely above a whisper.

He blinks a few times after your final question. He flexes his hand one more time and then stands up from the bed. He adjusts his clothes and stares at you. You feel helpless, but you’re still trying to look pulled together, even after your outburst. You stare back. A thousand words floating through your heads, all the things you want to say and likely never will.

“I know, I’m…” he pauses, trying to get himself to say it, but he can’t. He can’t admit that he’s completely ruined whatever messed up paradise you had created together. “I’ll see you later.”

The apology or lack there of hangs in the air as he walks silently out your door. You don’t move, you barely even blink, still staring at the spot he had just occupied. Your breath finally escapes you, a large sigh. Then some nervous laughter. It was over...just like that. But things like this, left like this are never really over.

-

It’s awkward for a good amount of the rest of the tour. You hang out with your bandmates more and Harry rarely ever comes out with them after the shows. He either hangs out with Mitch on his own or is going out with random people he knows on the road. You and him speak, but it’s never a lot or about anything relatively meaningful. It’s not the fun back and forth of before or the fiery heat of sneaking around. You try to be normal with him, act like his casual friend and bandmate.

He does his best to do the same, but it’s difficult for him. He doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore. He misses being with you, but can’t bring himself to fix it. He doesn’t do much to right his wrongs with you. He also doesn’t even know what he would want if he did apologize. It scared him to think about the step that came after ‘sorry’ so he saved himself the trouble and never did that part either. One night he texts you: “I’m trying, it’s just hard.” and that’s it. You don’t give him a response, he doesn’t need one. You know he’s trying and he knows you know.

Near the end of the tour, he comes out with the rest of you for drinks one night. Only Mitch is between the two of you in the booth, so you feel closer to Harry than you’ve felt in a long time. The group of you are chatting and having a good time. You somehow get onto a story from when you were still in college. You explain how you had narrowly avoided getting Chlamydia right before your Christmas break junior year. You act out the conversations you imagined would have happened at all your Christmas events if you had indeed gotten it. Your impressions of your mother, father, and sister have everyone laughing the most. Harry is shaking with laughter from your story and you smile at him in appreciation when he says, “That is the funniest story I’ve heard in a long fucking time.”

The rest of the night goes really well, for the most part. No one bickers or is short with each other. Everyone is laughing and drinks are flowing. Eventually Mitch gets up to go to the bathroom and you feel Harry slide back into the booth closer to you after letting Mitch out. Your hand had taken up residence next to your thigh, resting on the vinyl of the booth. You sense something next to it now and notice Harry’s hand is resting close beside it. He shifts his hand closer when he sees that you’re looking down at it. He’s almost touching you and you look up to his eyes, wondering if he’ll close the distance. He makes an imperceptible shake of his head, but you know what he means. As you’re about to shift your hand so that your pinky connects with his, Mitch returns and your head shoots up to his figure. You instantly remove your hand from the vinyl and shift closer to Charlotte. Harry gets up, but doesn’t sit back down once Mitch is settled. He instead walks off to get another drink, risking one last look at the table where he makes eye contact with you, but he doesn’t come back. Mitch informs everyone that Harry went back to the hotel because “he was tired” after Harry doesn’t return and Mitch gets a text. You roll your eyes, sure that you saw him slip out of the side door with a woman he found at the bar after he had gotten his drink. If that’s what ‘tired’ looked like on Harry, it was fine.

You start to speak to Harry on a more regular basis after that night out. It’s not funny or lighthearted. It’s just ‘I saw this song the other day, thought you might like to listen’. It went back and forth, it wasn’t everyday but it was something. The last text between the two of you before you began sharing songs again was his ‘I’m trying it’s just hard’ text that he had sent randomly one night. Then after one of you would listen, you would see each other at sound check and mention the song and what you thought about it. It can be noted that it was Harry who sent the first song.

For Harryween, Adam couldn’t be there. He has some family emergency the day of and doesn’t come with the rest of you to Madison Square Garden or the hotel you were staying at. Thankfully, Charlotte also plays keys and you can play bass. The band had to shift around some things on stage and make minimal changes to the setlist since you weren’t rehearsed on the covers Harry was doing. You spent the whole day running through the chords of those songs with Mitch, trying to memorize them so you didn’t mess it up during the show.

It was weird because for Harryween the setlist was switched up a little from the regular set for Love On Tour. Harry was playing the entire new album as well as half of the first album, Medicine, some of his other unreleased stuff, and about six covers, including old One Direction songs. It was going to be a long show and a challenge for you.

Before the show, Harry pulls you aside, to a dark corner backstage, and your mind flits back to the last time you had been in this type of position. The last time he had called you ‘love’, the last time you bit his earlobe - which always drove him crazy, the last time he ground his hips against yours, those and more and you had no idea that it was the last. By then you had already had sex with Harry for the last time, kissed his lips for the last time. It made your heart race to be so close to him and so alone once again. But it’s nowhere near the same as it once was. You shake the memories from your mind and look up expectantly at him.

“Have you got this?” He asks seriously, tone concerned. Of course it’s a music question, nothing more. Like it always was now.

“Yeah, of course.” His stare is unwavering and you try not to falter from it.

“I can get someone else to cover tomorrow, it was just such a short notice today. You know bass really well too, it made sense.”

“I’ve got this. Seriously, don’t worry, Harold.” You pat his chest lightly and for once Harry smiles at the sound of your nickname for him. You had stopped using it after the end of your arrangement. It never felt right to use when you were talking about music, and that was about the only time you had been talking. In this moment though, it felt right. His warm, large hands held your upper arms as you stared up into his big eyes. You missed staring into them, the shimmering emerald of his irises were constantly intriguing. You instinctively reach up to move back a curl that has fallen onto his forehead. He doesn’t shy away from your touch and continues to smile down at you.

“Y’haven’t called me that in forever.” He grins, his lips a shiny pink from the lip balm he had on.

“No, I suppose I haven’t. But where was the groan? The whole point is to annoy you.” You smile coyly. He tips his head back and laughs, releasing your arms from his grasp as he laughs wholeheartedly.

Then he does a soft groan, a playful sound, “How was that?”

“Eh. I’ll give you a four out of ten. Not enough emotion behind it.” You slide from the area the two of you have been occupying and make your way onto the stage to start dealing with the bass you would be playing. You hear Harry call out to you, “I think I deserve at least a five, maybe even a six!” You turn back for a second to look at him with an unimpressed expression and shake your head no. He laughs again and you hear him even when you walk out onto the stage. You smile to yourself as you pick up the bass.

When he introduces the band, he waits to talk about you last. “And sadly this evening Mr. Adam Prentergest, our usual fabulous bassist, was unable to attend our fancy dress party! However! Our lovely Y/N L/N is also a superb bassist and was kind enough to step into his place. - Anything to add?” He saunters across the stage to you and you laugh kindly, feeling at ease in this part of the stage even though you were usually on the opposite side and further back from the crowd. You nod at Harry and he leans his portable mic towards your lips. You wet them quickly and eye Harry before turning out to the crowd. “Just please go easy on me if the bass sounds a bit wonky. It wasn’t on the job description that I’d be playing songs I didn’t know, with a few hours notice, on not my main instrument.” You say this in a kind of list format, holding up your fingers as you tick off all the ways that this was out of your comfort zone. You scratch your head dramatically after you’re finished and the whole crowd laughs and cheers. The rest of your bandmates chuckle along and Harry nods and smiles at you.

“You’ll do great, love.” He leans into your ear and says without the microphone. Then he winks and turns to go back to the center of the stage. You press your lips together to contain your smile, both happy and concerned about the flip your stomach just did.  

The show is going great. Harry is killing it with the crowd. Everything is electric. You’re entirely focussed on your bass playing, but Harry has been coming over every so often to do something fun or have you tell a joke.

“She’s truly the funniest person I know! And I know a fair amount of people I think.” Harry says as he walks over to you have you tell another joke. Mitch has been looking at you and Harry interacting all night and he’s sure that it isn’t your different position that has him coming over and talking to you so much tonight. Something has definitely changed once again. First the pair of you were always together and having fun, then it was silence and stolen glances that neither of you realized you were taking, now it was back to the beginning.

“That’s because you think puns are part of the top tier levels of comedy.” You say easily, “Here, I can guarantee Harry will love this and the rest of you will likely groan.” Then you stop and act as if you’re thinking for a little, everyone’s waiting expectantly. “Sorry, thinking...Well, I’ve got some skeleton puns I could do, they’re very humerus or y’know classic vampire ones..eh but those ones kind of suck. What do you think, Harry?” You look out at the crowd, face deadpan, as Harry laughs beside you. You roll your eyes playfully and push him back to the center of the stage. Leaning into your own mic now, you say, “I told you.” That’s when everyone laughs. Harry throws another look at you over his shoulder and laughs a little more, his smile wide and eyes bright.

A little over half way through the night, it’s time for ‘to be so lonely’. You already knew the bass chords for it before today and you were confident in yourself by now. It wasn’t as hard a song so you were happy for the little break. This song allowed you to not be looking down at the notes you had stuck to the floor in front of you. Harry’s voice comes in after Mitch’s intro and you watch the way his lips move against his mic. You laugh a little as you watch the crowd yell the first “arrogant son of a bitch” line. You used to not particularly like when people did that, but after it had ended with Harry you had started to enjoy it a bit more. Having those people yell the words you couldn’t, but truly felt about him sometimes, was cathartic. Tonight you weren’t angry with him, but you enjoyed the energy in the room when everyone said it. We’ve all got our own ‘arrogant son of a bitch’ that we want to scream at sometimes. Tonight yours wasn’t Harry for the first time in a long time. The song moves along and Harry takes the microphone off its stand, he walks towards your side of the stage. When the lyrics get to:

“I miss the shape of your lips, your wit, it’s just a trick, this is it so I’m sorry”

Harry isn’t looking at the crowd, he’s looking straight at you. You don’t understand the way he’s looking at you. Or maybe you don’t want to understand it. This song, its lyrics, explains Harry really well. You saw the relationship you had with him in the words. Maybe not precisely, but a part of it was in it. Harry had unknowingly foretold your lives with his words. You know he has trouble connecting and committing, you know his issues, and you accept them. But you knew what had happened between the two of you was far more serious than meaningless sex and you knew Harry couldn’t bring himself to be that serious. He ran off and that was fine, but the face that he couldn’t even apologize hurt you the most. But the song lays it all out for you, he’s not one to be able to apologize quickly. The fact that he looks at you and means the apology he sings in the song for you, it’s a big step, but it’s not enough. The banter, the technical apology, it was all a good start, but it’s just that - the beginning. If Harry wants to make things better with you, a lot more needs to be discussed. So when you sing backing vocals for the following chorus you mean the words for Harry completely.

“Don’t call me baby again, you got your reasons, I know that you’re trying to be friends. I know you mean it, but don’t call me baby again it’s hard for me to go home and be so lonely”

His eyes flick to you again and see your lips moving around the words as you play the bass. He sees the emotion in your face and understands what you’re saying. It’s hard for you to go to your room at night and be alone while he’s out with someone else. It’s hard for him to act like everything’s all fine and perfect, back to normal, because for you it isn’t really. He can’t call you ‘love’ and tell the world you’re funny and expect it to be enough. He can’t sing his sorry that was initially for someone else to you and expect you to accept it. And he knows it, too.

After the show everyone decides they’re exhausted and need to rest before tomorrow. You all planned to celebrate the whole day and you knew it was going to be a wicked Halloween. Knowing this, you’re surprised with the knock on your door after about an hour of being back at the hotel. You’ve given up the habit you had once hoped to cultivate and swing the door open haplessly. Truly having no idea who to expect, you are still surprised to find the man standing before you.

“Mitch.”

“We need to talk.” He stares down at you, his shoulders slumped from tiredness.

“Come in,” you usher him in when you hear the urgency of his voice. He saunters in before you and you close the door. You move to the small couch in the room and sit down. Your hands gesture for him to sit as well, but he shakes his head. He stays standing and brings a hand up to smooth his hair back on the right side. His eyes staying on the floor and flickering up to you every so often.

“What is going on with you and Harry?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh come on Y/N. You’re seemingly best friends with him for a good portion of tour, then you’re barely on speaking terms for the second half, now you’re joking around again. What is going on?”

You sit there in a stunned silence, “I don’t know what to say.” Your arms go to hug your body, feeling anxious about being confronted about this topic.

“Were you seeing each other?” His voice is soft, eyes taking in your body language and knowing it’s a difficult topic.

“I wouldn’t put it like that…”

He holds back the ‘I knew it’ statement because of  how sullen you look, b..ut in his mind all of the pieces he had watched unfold came to fit in a perfect puzzle. He decides to sit beside you when you don’t say anything else.

“We were having sex,” it felt weird to say it out loud, no one but you and Harry had actually known, “But it ended. I don’t know what today was...but it felt different than how it’s been.”

“Why are you so sad if it was just sex?” He places a hand on your shoulder and your tear-filled eyes meet his. “Oh…” He knows why.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” You sob at his apology because he’s not the one who should be at your door apologizing. You sniffle and lean your head into his chest. He takes you into his arms and holds you as your cries become muffled sounds in his shirt.

You cry without words for a few minutes, Mitch coos some soothing words, his voice soft and kind. He was always a good shoulder to cry on for all of your bandmates, he was extremely strong and you made a mental note to thank him thoroughly when you actually were capable of forming coherent thoughts. “I’ve never told anyone before. It feels so weird even saying it out loud,” you say as you pull back from Mitch’s embrace. You're thankful his shirt is black, no tear stains can be made out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks gently, gauging your reaction. You wipe at your eyes and nod.

Taking a deep breath, you decide to start from the beginning. “Do you remember the party Charlotte had a week before we left for tour?”

Mitch nods and his eyes widen at what you’re saying as he remembers the night. “It started back then?” He’s unable to contain his incredulous question. He had suspected something, but hadn’t thought it had been going on for that long. He was truly astounded. You nod, “Well sort of,” then you go on to recount the last couple of months. All the way up until the Forum shows. “That night, when I opened Harry’s door and it was you standing there...Harry and I didn’t have anything to discuss. It was just…” Mitch nods again. He hadn’t spoken much since you had gotten into the story, wanting to let you be in charge of what you were saying and believing he could probably ask questions at the end. “Then the next night he blew me off for his date with that model and I cried in the elevator because I knew what was going to happen next.”

“So that’s when it ended?” Mitch asks when you don’t speak for a rather extended period of time.

“Yeah, the next morning he came over and I asked if they had sex and he said yes so I told him it was over.”

“But I don’t get why he went out with that model. He had told me she wasn’t his type the night before…” Your eyes shot up and looked at Mitch. His eyes widened when he realized what he said.

“What?”

“When we were talking about Canyon Moon, he mentioned that Jeff had tried to set him up with some woman but he had declined. Said he wasn’t interested. I don’t get what changed between then and the next morning.” He figured it was best to put all the cards out on the table right now. You’d be going your separate ways for a while, now that the tour was over and he had seen how unhappy both you and Harry had been over the last part of the tour.

You shift your leg to have it folded beneath you as you continue to stare at Mitch. “He came over after you and him had your meeting,”  you say quietly. Mitch hums, waiting for you to continue this time.

“He apologized for choosing you over me to talk to. Then we slept together, but we didn’t have sex...I think that’s what wigged him. It had felt too real, sleeping in the same bed with me without having sex beforehand made it feel like something more than just two people fulfilling needs.” Mitch nods and sighs heavily. He looks around the room and then back to you, taking in your full appearance. Again he feels terrible for you, how he had felt the second night at the Forum even though he hadn’t known the full story yet. “Now we’re here.”

“Tonight, it felt like he was trying,” Mitch finally said and you smiled sweetly, thinking back to Harry’s behavior. No matter how far from him you were, all those good feelings you associated with him never went away.

“Yeah, it’s been getting better. He texted me once saying he was trying. Then he came out with us one night and it almost seemed like that would be the night he’d apologize, but then he didn’t. Then we started sharing music with each other again. Then tonight… was tonight. It’s just confusing. He’s confusing.”

Mitch smiles sadly and brings you in for another hug and you’re actually so thankful he

showed up at your door. It was your first time telling anyone all of this, because Harry didn’t even know how you felt about some of these things. It felt amazing to be heard and to be told it was okay to be feeling like this.

Pulling back, Mitch says, “He’s definitely different. But his differences are what make him special and that’s why I think he clings to them even if they sometimes can hurt other people. The fact that he’s trying is a good sign. I hope he can find it in himself to make it right between you two because I had never seen either of you happier than when you were apparently together. Especially those few weeks leading up to Los Angeles. Sarah had kept asking me why Harry was so smiley back then. When I had asked him, he had just said “have you ever found something and realized you wanted to keep it with you forever?” I had no idea what he had meant, but I feel like he meant you now.”

Your awestruck at what Mitch has just told you. He was right about the first part about Harry trying to change, but the last bit, that’s what had left you speechless. You turn your body to face the rest of the room and put your chin against your hand as you think.

“Mitch...I have to go.”

He understands what you mean and you walk out of the door with him. He walks down the hall to his room and you walk quickly past the elevator and opt for the stairs. Before you know it you’re running up the stairs, taking two at a time even though you’re not the most athletically inclined. You can’t stand to wait for the elevator and your mind is racing.

You knock on the door that is Harry’s after reaching his floor. It swings open and reveals a confused and sleepy Harry. Thankfully he’s still fully dressed because that would have been a whole other problem you would have if he hadn’t been. You push past him and walk straight into his room without any invitation. He follows behind you, still unsure of why you’ve come here.

“Have you ever found something and realized you want to keep it forever?” You ask him, repeating the words Mitch had just told you.

“Pardon?”

“You told Mitch that about me before we ended things. If that’s how you felt, why didn’t you do what you said?”

Harry sighs as the words register in his mind. The memory of when he had smiled at Mitch so giddily and asked the vague question, his thoughts only of you as he asked it. The shit-eating grin he had plastered on his face after Mitch had looked at him confusedly flitted across his mind. As well as the way he had gone to his dressing room and had a quickie with you after that conversation.

“It’s not that simple…”

“It is, Harry! Why can’t you just be honest with me for once?”

“Okay, fine. You want me to be honest?” you nod at his harsh tone. The two of you standing only a few feet apart. “You have no goddamn idea what you do to me, when I’m around you, I have no control of my emotions or of my thoughts. I pushed you away because I didn’t like feeling out of control. I got out because what had started as a fun time had turned into me longing to be with you every waking hour. I found myself not caring what we did as long as I got to hold you and be around you, but that wasn’t part of the plan.”

“Plans can change, Harry.”

You step closer to him and he meets your eyes. He had left his music playing softly on his phone before he had opened the door so now as the two of you stared at each other, he must have been playing his Etta James playlist because her voice faded out of the song “I’d Rather Go Blind” and straight into “A Sunday Kind of Love”. Harry had shared her At Last album with you over the Christmas holiday of last year and you had decided to listen to her entire discography afterwards, so you knew the songs. The transition was a little too on the nose and you wondered if Spotify ever listened to your conversations.

His emerald eyes examine your face and take inventory of your features, measuring whether anything had changed since he had looked at you this close up. Your hand goes up to cup his cheek and he nuzzles into it, dropping his head closer to you ever so slightly and closing his eyes at the feeling of you.

“I am sorry,” he whispers earnestly as he reopens his eyes.

You can’t take your eyes off of him even if you tried. He looks so soft in the moment, so vulnerable in this light as the music swells in the corner of the room. Etta sings about how she needs a love that is going to last as the pair of you inch yourselves closer together.

“I forgive you, Harry,” you whisper back.

He nudges his head further down and your lips finally press together, slotting back together after months apart. Your lips are eager to press back against their favorite companion. You oblige them, but pull back for a second, just far enough to say, “I will always forgive you, so long as you tell me when you’re scared so we can work through it together.”

He nods, “I promise to never let you go again.” Before taking you back against his lips and gathering your body up in his arms. His lips missing yours just as much.

-

[goshawk]

tagged by THE. @castielsupernatural

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to get to know better.

name: jess cinderwingcas

star sign: capricorn

height: 5′5’’

time: 11:30pm ET

birthday: january 8th

favorite bands/artists: ajr, conan gray, olivia rodrigo

last movie: everything everywhere all at once

last show: soup ear gnat rail

when did i create this blog: early december 2020. decided to finally stop lurking on my previous blog which was things i was no longer interested in 

what i post: well i did try to run a spn sideblog at first and keep this nice and pretty. and then i got bored and said fuck it and spent a few days reblogging from that and meeting post limit because i wanted everything here

last thing i googled: if there were goshawk/accipiter specific training techniques in falconry

other blogs: they exist but they are for me <3 storage of links/videos and fics i want to come back to

do i get asks?: not rly. falcon anon tho my beloved <3 hope they’re doing well.

following: 280

average hours of sleep: fuck. its been <5 recently. probably around 7 on the weekends though

instruments: used to know how to play the piano and viola but i can’t read sheet music for shit now. learned part of the americana theme at 2am during finals last winter to procrastinate though

what im wearing: soft fleece shorts and a shirt i got from a hackathon. i coded 0 lines that night but poached all the merch

dream job: realistically? domestic policy advisor/subject matter expert/professor. but if we throw that out, i’d love to be a professional falconer.

dream trip: northern norway. i want to go backpacking at 3am in the summer and go ice climbing in crevasses and see the birdlife up there

nationality: usa

favorite songs: oh this is a constantly rotating list. i return a lot to ajr songs and the other side of paradise by glass animals. some nights by fun. gets me really nostalgia happy-sad. 

last book ive read: know my name by chanel miller. that woman is a powerhouse and i don’t know how she does it

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: alagaësia from the inheritance cycle and the guardians of ga’hoole universe. can’t think of another bc i read mostly realistic fiction after i was done with my fantasy kick. uhhh one where i developed my art skills more and felt comfortable sketching birds on the margins of my papers

@thenightwemetnatural @allegedlyopposed @goatiel @jasminecas @birbs-in-space @citruscas

[grapecaseschoices]

Hey :) what OC are you working on right now? What inspired them?

Oh, hello! This was so nice to see in my inbox. Hope you're doing well! :-D

What aren't I working on? Let's do something old and something new, because my brain is actually active of late.

1- Something Old

Kendis: I'm currently working on them re: a multiverse storyline that's been recurring in the RP I have her in, and there's a current event up.

What Inspired Kendis?: I honestly don't remember what inspires half my characters 1234ew. I DO recall, wanting - as most desires usually strike me - to make a sibling for my friend's character, Ben. And I definitely wanted that teenaged energy (og Kendis - as Kendis, and not my first incarnation of Ben's baby sister - was 18). A lot of what influenced Kendis was wanting to catch that 'drunk girl you meet in the bathroom and becomes your strongest advocate' energy.

I like to sometimes dip into canons I know, so I'd say some of Cordelia Chase influenced Kendis (in the blunt aspect, in the seemingly shallow/egotistical, in the 'wtf is the supernatural ... well, fuck I guess I'm going to help you fight after all, ugh', in the being a lot smarter than you might think, in the unexpected vulnerability), especially Cordelia vis a vis Buffy in Buffy's vulnerable moments (never over Cordy, for all that wish-verse existed, being the one continously to have Buffy's back when shit was rotten).

Buffy herself is a factor, especially for Kendis as I play them now. And Caroline Forbes. (All these white women qwerwawq lmao) But Cordy was the OG.

2 - Something New (RP Style)

Ori Zhou: I mostly finished his app. But I haven't played him yet. I've dipped him a little bit into the RP canon, woven his past life and abilities into the plot I am working on for Kendis, but I haven't written him written him yet. But he counts, because I'm going to send his app soon ... and because I love him so much already.

What Inspired Ori?: So many things. This is easier because I started his app like two weeks ago. So, okay. OG Autumn Grove had a group of teens to mid-twenties called GAS (Gender Agnostic Sisterhood) and AG 2.0 doesn't have many YouthsTM, so I was like OG GAS characters have either grown or moved away, but I miss them. So, let me try my hand at another youth (because I TOTALLY need more characters that I don't play because Kendis has been loud and obnoxious lately).

My friends wanted someone with a magical girl past life. And I really wanted to create a storyteller sort (think Henry from OUAT, think Scheherazade), so I'm going to work on smashing that. I'm really proud of his powers tho. I'm also trying to challenge myself to play a himbo. I haven't before, so in his current life, my baby is a himbo with self-worth issues. A lot of his vibes is inspired by the quote 'how am i going to be an optimist about this' and the song '100 Bad Days' by AJR. So many little things went into this beeb, but Ima stop here. His pb/fc is Chella Man because Chella is deathly too cute (and I need more trans mascs in my roster. Like wtf Nat. MOAR!!!!)

3 - Something New (IF Style)

Isidor "Izzy" Sero: I can't say I'm working on Iz so much rotating him (and my other Wayfarer MC) in my head like a pig on a spit and very, very occasionally poking him with a stick. Izzy is present in the background in my mind but he's not active. Still, he's here because my Wayfarer MCs, like my Speaker and Bloomic OCs, are OCs that I definitely want to do more with and be current on but I don't have that strong a spark on yet. So I work on them passively.

What Inspired Isidor?: MOSTLY my desire for a Sero kid but also him coming out to be the 'opposite of Peitho' (my other Wayfarer MC). Basically, sometimes when I play an IF and I have a vague desire for another MC, a concept will solidify from the Choices Not Chosen. And that is how Izzy came about. A lot of 'what if I had chosen this instead' created more of a tortoise than a hare type of character. He's very slow going to start, but when he starts he goes. I also like to play gender roles with certain IFs -- particularly with fantasy/supernatural sorts. So, though he's very strength based, he's - as mentioned - not the first to jump into the fray with fits flying. Though he may seem the quiet, "stoic" sort, when he does speak he's spoken directly to -- yet he is also highly fucking sentimental. And though that governs so much of his credo, bein a Sero kid he apprecites adaptiblity and resourcefulness. (Actually that's one of the things I like about Wayfarer, so much of the in game lore and character backgrounds help inspire and shape your OCs as you go along. So, where I'd be a little more set with an OC in another IF, here there's a lot more wiggle room).

Thank you for the ask @worldstogetlostin! Sorry for the tl;dr but you've given me stuff to ponder :-D

[dojae-huh]

As for the song itself, I was underwhelmed too. The beat is nice but it’s not distinct enough for me like most of their songs. Most of their title tracks have sounds that I rarely heard before. From firetruck to sticker, most of them has really weird sounding sounds that suck you right into the songs. I recall their songs through their beats as opposed to the melody. That’s also why I think most people can vocalise their beats. They are distinct. I think for me this might be the least 127 sounding title track for me.

The beats is one thing but the rap is also not memorable which is almost never the case with Mark and Taeyong’s rap. I personally only like Jaehyun’s rap. Doyoung line in first verse is really good on its own but it doesn’t flow smoothly from Jungwoo. Honestly, the whole song is like that for me. It’s not connected smoothly. I’ve been listening to this song for more than twenty times already. It’s not getting into my head. I just can’t grasp the construction of this song. This is coming from a person who really like the controversial sticker and chain, so I really think it this is really is just about my personal preference. I conclude it’s just not for me. I’m glad tho that most of the feedbacks online is positive. Still hyped for the rest of the album too.

(Okay i listen to the song again after writing all above . Letting go of all the negative things, just enjoying the song without scrutinising. Honestly, it’s not that as bad as I’ve written above. Ugh why am i like this🥲. I am so set of wanting this comeback to be the next sticker. It clouded my judgement. Lesson learnt. Just let go of expectations, enjoy it and now i’m actually bobbing to it. The same goes to my mv opinion before. I honestly felt like I open the door and let the song in when I let go of my expectations. My brain catch the song pretty fast. Interesting. It was just now I cannot accept the song but once I opened up it instantly clicked? Is there better way to explain this? Being too scrutinising really takes the fun out of everything but i think it’s only a normal reaction when you put expectations on things.) I feel like I’m spamming your ask today sorry T T

2 Baddies is a ear-worm, there are several parts that start to rotate in the mind with ease. The way Haechan and Doyoung sang their first lines is the "distinct" you are looking for.

I do suspect the song was made out of two. It's hard to imagine that the chorus/rap parts and the vocal-line retro parts were thought of by the same person, they are too distinct in colour. I find the song a tad too slow in the beginning, but it has a nice vortex effect in the end, as a viewer/listener you are being pulled in by the speeding up tempo and the synchronised choreo.

I like Mark's rap, he is experienced enough to make it interesting. Agree about Woo-Do transition. It's a very patchy moment. Do's retro moment should have been longer or repeated again. Because the effect from it dissipiates quickly. Again, agree that the song is not connected very well overall. The task was probably very difficult to begin with. I really like the end of the song though, it has a very good build up with nice adlibs and Jaehyun's finishing line (the way he pronounces it) is good.

I think it's a song to tune in and out, that's why it's better as a performance, when the boys and the moves distract you. If you look at it as a whole, pay close attention, the architecture isn't solid, a rough voice transition here, a not smooth switch of tempos there, however it does make you fall for the rhythm and bop your head.

One musician with perfect hearing said he can't listen to orchestras, can't enjoy them, he is distracted with the players making minor mistakes. Once you stopped looking at the song with a magnifying glass, you was able to fall for the primitive urge to follow "the rhythm of drums", to follow the crowd.

"2 baddies, 2 baddies, 1 porsche" is a super stupid phrase with no wit in it, but it's a chant, and Taeyong says to follow him, so you do, heh.

As for the comeback, it's the first one after 2,5 years with live fans on music shows, face to face fanmeets, comeback shows with live singing. So you are lucky. It looks like the comeback would be of small scale promotion wise (depends on what 127 will do in US), but neos themselves are hyped. Tired, but happy. Except maybe for Doyoung who has a burn out and Haechan who is evidently tired from the double shift (he isn't as physically strong as Mark), all others are at the best place mentally and emotionally as they don't need to prove anything anymore, the scandals are in the past, plus the fandom is finally active and united.

[izukult]

Okok awesome! 🖤🖤 I do have a wide variety in my music taste but artists most in my rotation are definitely Tyler the creator, Doja cat (streets?? Pls on rpt 🤤) and Arctic Monkeys, (pls don’t feel restrained by these artists tho !) very much chill vibes and driving late at night if that makes sense asjfkdkka. Personality wise I’m pretty awkward and fairly antisocial, very much ->🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️😨 but once you get to know me I’m pretty loud and a little much tbh 🤭 like my laugh is genuinely TOO loud lmaooo, and I would very much appreciate it with Kageyama if that’s not too much to ask 😳👉🏼👈🏼 thank you again 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

hello my love. if i hadn’t known you, i wouldn’t have done this any kind of justice. BUT STRAP YOUR ASS IN WIFEY YOU KNOW WHAT IT BE. @chubbybunny111

you and kageyama.

oh god you and kageyama would scare the fuck out of me as a couple. have you seen those memes like boy who doesn’t talk all too much 💖 girl who loud asf? you two. LMAOOO.

definitely you two make fun of each other. on the daily. but, he also grumbles little compliments to u all nervous like. i feel like he would very much like your hair?? like,, it’s so curly,, it’s so pretty,,,, do a fella a favor and let him play with it, yeah?

i’m just imaging you in your straight clothes from high school and him in a disgusting unwashed sweaty ass volleyball uniform😻😻 IM SORRY OK ANYWAY

you two share earbuds all the time. just sittin next to each other in moderate silence with tunes playing.

he is so bad at texting LMAOOO. you’d send an ironic emoji and he’s done for? he just stares at it. blankly. void of any emotion other than confusion.

“i’m sorry did you just send ‘🤕’ after telling me you love me?”

“hey, you’re crying. why are you using 😋 right now?”

i’m sorry for making fun of him but also i’m NOT THATS SO FUNNY.

now, don’t take what i said earlier wrong, he’s not just like oh yes quiet around you (that’s not his personality people need to be better🙄), but when you two are in public he’s not like really affectionate? unless he’s jealous because he is (infact) an insecure bitch, but whenever that happens it feels forced and awkward figure that out kags.

we see the way he acts with hinata like? if he’s comfortable with you he’s going to be loud as fuck there’s no denying it. yall get told to shut up like on the daily?

shares his milk with you😁 not his food tho

LMAOFJAOFJS IM SORRY BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MANS RELATIONSHIP WITH EATING? you ain’t getting between that babe

anyway here’s a fucking playlist for your hot ass i am literally in love with you. i really like this playlist tbh :)

1. sometimes (backwood); gigi- starting off with my favorite song at the moment. this isn’t really completely a deep meaning with the lyrics thing, because this song is pretty sad? i think it’s so vibey. it’s so good. it’s just a gentle, quiet night with the windows open and a full moon. however, like i said he’s insecure and has overthought while listening to this song.

2. breezeblocks; alt-J- mostly just a banger, indeed. you’re driving (i would not trust him behind the wheel? ever?), the lights are super pretty, he’s looking at you from the passenger seat ‘discretely’. he doesn’t want you to go, so those lyrics are accurate, but he’s also not a murderer dw😁 he couldnt

3. i wanna be yours; arctic monkeys- PHEW. OKAY. OKAY JESUS CHRSIT. no because you don’t understand yall are in LOVE? like in LOVE. he probably kisses you for the first time while this shit playing. he also, by default, blushes EVERY TIME THIS SONG COMES ON. such a lil bitch baby🙄

4. sucker; jonas brothers- stop before you say anything this song is unironically so good. i? could imagine you like? terribly dancing to this i dunno. i feel like if you got tobio in the right mood he would jam to some music w you‼️

5. EARFQUAKE; tyler, the creator- i think kageyama was like the kind of guy who mentally was constantly like “i want a gIRLFRIEND FUCK🤬🤬🤬”, but lile also once it happens? svary as fuck. have we not talked about how he does not really like himself much (thinking ab him practicing his smile rn poor baby). so yea, bad self confidence & in love with you. this song. PLUS, it’s a banger.

6. streets; doja cat- you at him lmao. do i have to say anything else?

7. ivy; frank ocean- he would put this song on a playlist for you and then not tell you about the song or the playlist and still get nervous about how youd react lmaooo. however, yknow in movies when like the guy looks at the girl and the music swells? that but with an emo volleyball player and frank ocean

8. redbone; childish gambino- very chill vibes and driving late at night energy. this song plays while yall lay on like ur couch or smth and you’re messing with the ends of his hair and he’s playing videos on his phone with one hand and like kind of awkwardly nervously trying to hold ur hand with the other and he just does the pinky thing thAT WE WERE TALKIN BOUT LMAOO

9. cocoa butter kisses; chance the rapper- i feel like if you were to smoke, this is the song you’d get high to. i don’t have much reason other than that? i can just see this playing in the background as you two exist together

10. my kind of woman; mac demarco- man, you’re really driving him mad🙄 BUT‼️ I THINK? ITS ALRIGHT WITH HIM😳. he’s absolutely whipped and he didn’t even know he had the ABILITY. i feel like you like to prove people wrong, so here’s another instance.

11. casual; doja cat- i know everyone hates getting played, but you feel like you would take a LOTTA precautions to avoid that, including the whole walls up deal. you’re super upfront about it? you’re not like secretly testing the waters, you’re like ‘if ur fucking w me gtfo of my face lol’ but clearly you wouldn’t talk to kags like that (however he’d hurriedly say he’s not a little too loud)

12. afraid; the neighbourhood- ABSOLUTE TOBIO ENERGY (also oikawa energy, i think its so cute that we are married and the mfs we choose to love r rivals). but anywho, absolute MAD tobio energy. yes he also takes out his insecurities with anger don’t actually like he’s not gonna have to work on that lmao

13. sex on fire; kings of leon- arguably one of the best songs to ever exist. he would be like ?!😳 the first time he heard it and youd probably like flick him LMAOFJAODJ this is just a good jam song for you two. he would definitely sing this song with you, don’t care don’t care

14. scary love; the neighbourhood- i’m beginning to think the neighbourhood just has kageyama energy? remind me to look into that later. either way, i’m putting extreme emphasis on this song. this song is completely how he feels. this song is IT. he watches in anticipation as he “shows you it cos it’s a good song”. please just be nice to him (while also bullying him😁)

15. when you were young; the killers- you’ve made out to this song i’m so sorry. MAYBE THATS JUST BECAUSE I THINK THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECTTTTJRJEJTI SONG. god. good fucking music. equal mix of good song and the lyrics hitting

[traineecryptid]

alright ive been tagged in some stuff, lets go

1. Check-up tag by @s1utspeare

(feel free to self-tag! i never know who to tag cuz reasonssss)

How has your day been? Not bad, very achy all over but i slept the entire afternoon, this collection of tags is giving me sth to focus on and twitter seems to be popping so im quite pleasantly distracted for now.

What was the last thing that made you smile? my nap. i woke up and went "im so pro at napping yoooo"

What's keeping you entertained these days? The ~internet~ and any wacky ideas that i come up with (the lastest one being: can i make a sushi mat? answer is yes but it looks kinda ugly and i should have just bought on for 2 bucks) (and also the way my laptop keeps breaking down is entertaining-ish but i really wish itll stop happening to me)

If you are in quarantine/self-isolation, is there anything you'd like to achieve during this time? If not, anything you want to achieve in general? P sure i have a list of things i want to do but also like if i think about it i will panic so ig not. no thoughts head empty, just floating through.

Post a selfie (if you are comfortable with that) sure, here u go. my hair is longer now and grey, and im wearing pants tho it looks a bit sus

2. Catch-up meme by @alxina

(not gonna tag 9 people, thats way too many people)

favourite colour: black but for /accent shades/ maroon, dark green, blue but specifically the shade of my two blue nail polish and all sorts of pink.

last song/album: 依兰爱情故事 (song) which came up on my spotify recs awhile ago and is now in my likes, was listening to it last last (last?) week when i went out to get takeout for dinner. i dont listen to music much recently. also seldom listen by album.

last movie: i....dont remember....not a big movie person...might have been yin yang master? like 4 months ago i kept meticulous track of what i watched but then i deleted my internet history and lost a bit of progress and havnt gotten back onto it.

currently reading: social media feeds lmao and between dusk and dawn when it updates. was reading so much computer stuff ystd day tho.

currently watching: tik...toks....? was catching up w the new season of buzzfeed unsolved two days ago+my usual rotation of streamers that i now watch/listen in the background of other tasks

currently craving: bubble tea. and tamagoyaki, my beloved. and salt...in general i want salty...stuff...

coffee or tea: coffee if i can put (and in the mood for) ice cream on it, else tea i guess. (boba tea dont count) im more of a soda person.

3. URL Tag Game by @undyingsunshine

(spell out your url with song titles, then tag as many people as there are letters in your url (no))

i put them all in a nice spotify playlist, lmk if ya give it a listen 👀👀