#this is just me venting about thoughts bc i'm tired it's whatevs

[vincent-sinclair-deserved-better]

hm

thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol

[magentagalaxies]

having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

[philosophicallie]

my vitriolic hate for the parentals only grows btw. everything i overhear is in fact a big fat negative in our relationship

[manstrans]

(not posting the name)

I understand being angry, but I don't think this is a good way to express it. it just feels like harassment, especially with the use of the word bitch

A good exercise I learned was to identify what a thought's purpose is and rephrase it in a more constructive way. Sorry if this sounds condescending, I'm not trying to be, it's just genuinely helped me a lot

So for this thought, and I might be wrong ofc, I think what it's trying to say is "I'm tired of being hurt. It makes me upset." Which is entirely reasonable! And deconstructed like this is much less hurtful itself, and people will be more likely to listen to you because it's more approachable

You can also build on and rephrase the deconstruction. It's something I do a lot myself! If you're reading this, I suggest you try it, even if it's just in a note or in your head

And, honestly, being inflammatory like this to other trans people is only going to make things worse. Even if it feels like deconstructing and rephrasing your anger is futile because no one will listen anyway, I think it's still worth it to try. Because you'll know a little more about your feelings, and people who do already agree with you won't say "hey, that's too hostile, I don't like that" (which is a reasonable response imo. I think most people probably would've blocked you for this ask bc infighting is such a rampant problem)

It's also possible someone who's undecided on the issue you're talking about could stumble across it, and decide to disagree because of how aggressive you are. Or something who already disagrees could see it and dig their heels in

Again, it's fine to be angry! Getting your anger out is good too! But not in someone's inbox, or using your anger to try and rile people up. I saw a trend that throwing ice into a bathtub really helps, I haven't tried it but it looks really cathartic and honestly kinda fun. You could also break popsicle sticks or pencils or something like that, if that's more your style. Or just vent to a friend! Whatever! But this is not a good way to get out your frustration for multiple reasons

Please, anyone who likes this blog, please don't say stuff like this in my inbox

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[sweetdreamspootypie]

🙃

I'm flying out tomorrow

Had a good night tonight

But

Vent / processing / just capturing some of the stuff I've been thinking about

It's so strange how different my worldview is because I'm a Covid nurse

Or maybe everyone else is insane

Who is to say

TW car accident, child injury

Managed to go see the last set of cousins tonight

My aunt was like

" oh yeah last few days I've been really sick

Had a really bad flu

Still coughing actually

But we don't believe in taking to our beds for just a flu lol"

And my cousin mentioned she doesn't know when the last time she took a RAT test was. Didn't even recognize the name. Said "oh yeah that's kind of outdated"

And NOBODY I've talked to has even been aware that there are still Covid booster vaccines happening and relevant?

They only ever had the initial course of 3 or 4 and then stopped? Didn't even know that further boosters are a thing at all?

and cousin told me that you don't take time off work for Covid here because it's not considered life threatening anymore

What the fuck is wrong with england

Why would you invite guests over if you actively have the flu?

Fuck man

Like it was actually a pretty good evening and it will probably be fine

But it's just so weird seeing the increasing divide in basic values

Like yeah I value hard work and discipline and etc etc and I want to get better at it

But how do these people value self care so little?

Idk I'm just hyper aware of it as well bc of my family's thing with chronic fatigue syndrome and how precarious wellbeing is

But also stuff like

Hard work is "being responsible" because idk doing your part at work on the project or whatever

But in my line of work

If I don't rest

If I don't eat or take my breaks or I haven't been sleeping well or burn out

Then I cannot provide the healthcare to others that is needed

I've got such vivid visceral memories of standing there as I'm realizing I need to hit the medical emergency big red button, at times when I'm over tired and not feeling my best self

Feeling my words and thoughts running like treacle and just being so aware of oh shit I'm not actually up for being responsible for this right now actually

And when I'm in that state and the adrenaline hits, it just makes it worse

I can feel my heart pounding in my ears and my dehydration headache and having to muster ok I have to be reassuring and communicative and make sure I'm dexterous enough to manage a complex situation

And if I can't manage it, people get hurt

And there's a very real risk that someone gets closer to death than they needed to, or would have if I had been on the ball and my best self

The other day, on Monday

I had a coffee at 12 noon

It was a really nice rich mocha from a chocolate specialist

I'm not accustomed to caffeine any more these days, so I was awake until 4am Monday night

On Tuesday night, despite being tired, I was also awake til 3am because of the disturbance to my sleep schedule it caused

On Wednesday, I was feeling gross from the sleep disturbance. I went to my room and tried to take an afternoon nap

At 4pm on Wednesday, there was a car accident outside of our house. A car hit a 3 year old child crossing the road with his mother.

My dad came to get me because I'm a nurse and that's my job.

When he came in I was in a groggy half asleep haze

I had my shoes on and was out the door but was still carrying a head of groggy haze

The kid was fine

Someone else was checking him out, asking all the right questions

And within a couple of minutes an ambulance arrived, and got to do a further assessment

It looked like the child had a bit of a bumped knee, probably from where he fell, but was otherwise just fine

Mum with him was being a champion at visibly keeping it together until tonight after the kids are put to bed, when she'll fall apart

I was able to be there to see that it was under control and looked on until the ambulance arrived

But I was so aware that I wouldn't able to clearly speak. Wouldn't be able to project calming competence with even just the simple fact of introducing myself as a health worker available if needed

Everything was fine

But if it hadn't been

I would not have been able to fulfil my role

Because I hadn't taken proper care of myself

I'm going to remember my guilt over one badly planned coffee I had on Monday, for years

Because my job is to be the one who knows how to make it alright when everything is wrong

Why the fuck can't other people do the simple things like isolate if sick

And not expose illness to people going back to the home of their 89 year old grandmother

I don't want to live to work

I want to live well

And wellness and happiness are important values and resources

And not contradictory with working hard to make progress on goals

People need to learn to rest

I didn't realize how bad it was

[shinkei-shinto]

hi little vent

I'm tired of being ghosted. I'm tired of being lied to. I am so, so so tired of the endling showing and god, but does it hurt.

I do art for a living. I have never lied to a client to cover my ass bc I forgot or ADHD'd something or memory problems or overwhelmed. Apologize and make it right.

tried to commission someone else. caught them in a lie. asked for the truth in the future or a refund.

got the refund.

they would rather refund me than tell me the truth in future interactions.

woke up today. okay. too early. did some social media scroll.

and again and again and again seeing some fucking post talking about how the thing that is me is wrong. or bad. or not actually that oppressed. or whatever. I try to flick faster when I realize what I'm reading so I don't remember examples.

I do remember that it happened four times. just in clearing Tumblr today.

again and again.

one of my clients chose to "request" more work. when they were told that they should pay me by others. when they were made extremely aware that I intended to charge for further work (as if, live on stream, designing an entire new look for a character and drawing an entire fully colored piece with background elements, for a paltry fucking ~60 dollars, wasn't fucking enough)

and when I made a nice public post about how this service they were demanding would cost money bc I'm not a machine I'm a fucking person and I deserve that?

"oh nope can't afford it maybe next time"

can't even fucking respect me. can't even fucking treat me like I'm worth anything.

again and again and again. just. completely worthless to the entire social circles I reside in, right now.

and on the other side of the country

and in my partner/owner/love's house

I hear them call me 'pet' to someone who I thought had been preventing that from being used freely in their house

I see them later tell me that's okay now

later, more

I get to be the thing that I am and people like me for it. not just tolerate. not slide their eyes over it uncomfortably and refuse to engage.

not treating me like a machine that makes things for them, not treating me like a thing that doesn't even deserve the barest minimum of respect - not fucking being lied to -

hard to want to get up and go to work when I know how I'll be treated. hard to get up and pull the hoodie of humanity over my head, cast my face in shadow, so none of them have to see it.

12 days until maybe, a break.

[golbrocklovely]

Do you ever get tired of the drama? I took a step back from the fandom years ago because it was absolutely exhausting me. It seems like it’s gotten worse somehow and I was just wondering how you do it. How do you keep up with the asks? How do you keep from banging your head into a wall? How do you not get exhausted when you get asked the same old shit every. single. time?

oh, absolutely the drama gets tiring to me lmao

when i first started out, i never intended for my account to become known as the gossip account. i just wanted a place for ppl to come and vent about the fandom if they needed to anonymously bc i knew how the fandom was about being honest, since there were times i had opinions that made me feel like i was the outlier compared to everyone else.

but it kinda became this way on accident. and now i just kinda accept it for what it is. i know i got a lot of eyes on me, and i know a lot of ppl know about me without really knowing me, if that makes any sense lol

originally tho, and especially for at least the first two years of me doing this, i would answer every ask no matter what. but now i don't do that as much, or at the very least, i take a while to get to every one i plan on answering. bc look, if you come on here and are really rude to either me, snc, or just in general ppl i like - i'm not gonna answer you. it's just that simple. and also, sometimes i don't have the energy to answer everyone. i am one person after all, hearing literally everyone's opinions. so it's a lot sometimes.

and i do get tired about talking in circles with certain topics. i usually try to let everyone know "hey, i'm done talking about this" in some way or another - whether via an answer to an ask or just straight up turning off my ask box for a while. bc what i've noticed is that most topics are just a 24-48 hours thing max. after that, ppl move onto other things. so if it ever gets super stressful to me, and it does occasionally, i just turn off my ask box and turn it back on the next day. and by then, everyone has moved on for the most part.

and i think the biggest thing i had to learn in doing all of this is separating snc from the fandom. bc snc aren't angels. i know they've fucked up before, or just generally done things i don't agree with. however, if i genuinely thought they were bad ppl, i wouldn't be a fan of them. i wouldn't spend all of this time or money or energy into giving them attention. snc don't piss me off, but the fandom does. and separating the two of them has made it so much easier to stick around. bc when the fandom pisses me off, it doesn't reflect how i feel about snc anymore.

not only that, but when i'm not here, i'm disconnected. i might still watch snc's vids or whatever, but i'm not thinking about the fandom. when i log off, i don't give the drama a second thought. and that has saved me a lot of anxiety and anger. that being said, i also think there are a lot of fans that can't do that, which is why they get so frustrated at every little thing. but i get it at the same time bc i was like that for a while.

also, if i'm completely honest, some of the drama is fun to me bc it's not life or death. we aren't talking about something serious or direly, nine times out of ten the drama is about colby's love life or sam's philosophical takes or something dumb like that. it's not that deep. that's why i can have fun with it lol which is why i implore others to not get so hung up on the details or get upset when they don't know everything or make every drama the biggest deal ever. if it was that serious, we all would know.

but this is also why i get annoyed when this fandom, especially for the past like six months, have been having tantrums left right and center over snc and the girls. like… this should be fun. we should be able to kiki and laugh and move about our day without insulting anyone in the process. and yet… somehow that's an issue for everyone now. not for me or really anyone on here, but… other places sksks

at this point, i try to enjoy what i can and keep it pushing. i have a whole life outside of snc that i worry about waaaaayyyyyy more, and that's why the drama only gets to me so much. this is supposed to be my entertainment, so when it's not, i clock out. and only come back when it seems enjoyable again.

[aesrot]

doing this here bc if I send this to anyone my brain would convince me I'm being a bother later even if I'm not. and I don't want people to feel this is targeted bc it really isn't. feel free to ignore this, I'm just venting smth I'm not ready to talk to my therapist about, but that I will eventually, don't worry. heads up for a little trauma dumping.

but fuck toxic friends fuck cyberbullying fuck mean people who make fun of others bc they're different fuck them fuck them fuck them. it's been years, but I'm still so fucking destroyed by it. specially bc it happened twice (one at the age of 13 and the other at the age of 15/16). both times the very same thing. people I trusted, people I thought they're my friends having a group chat I was not part of and making fun of me bc I was "weird" and ugly and how they didn't really liked me and whatever other mean things they said that i didn't get to know, and honestly I don't want to.

it's been years and I made genuine friends that are so fucking good to me and I know I can trust and be myself recklessly without the fear of being judged (probably bc some of them are also neurodivergent so me being'weird' is the common between them) but still. I can't trust them fully. my brain will always convince me it's happening again, that they're faking it, that I'm being weird and a bother and no one will truly be my friend. I'm so fucking tired of over interpreting every single interaction I have and actively looking for bad stuff just to prove myself I'm right and that I should be alone, that I'm safer by myself. fuck this, man.

I'm sorry if I made things weird before to anyone. I'm really insecure about my relationship and when I say the rsd is bad I really mean it. pls let me know if I became too much. just please don't bully people just bc they don't fit into some social box and can't see patterns that well.

[taintedlxve]

Wild that this was posted when I wasn't around to defend myself. Apologies to the person who sent me this I feel like they were trying to reassure me but all it did was make me mad lol.

Anyways, I'm mentally ill and reading this shit kind of fucked up my day and since I just can't let shit go without correcting the record I'm just gonna go over some things rq and go back to my hiatus. You don't gotta read, but I was called a liar repeatedly and I'm not gonna let that sit.

A lot of Awoo's post screams out to me as "i'm taking accountability but not really" and I just want to point out places where I feel she's being disengenuous and go back to my hiatus bc I had a good vibe going until now lmao.

I'm skipping the really long explanation about why she never followed me, frankly as I've said before my problems with her extend past that entirely and at this point I don't think it matters that much.

I'll just say this, we had a private conversation in which I made it expressly clear it was okay to come to me about something if she felt she had a problem the LAST time she blocked me for no reason (to be clear to this day I don't know what the hell I was supposed to be sorry for?) after I decided to just unfollow her from her breedingacademy sideblog bc she was replying to other folks' stuff and seemed to just ignore mine. She apologized for this and said she'd do better and I believed her. This, primarily, why I didn't reach out at first.

Further in the post she mentions the vent I wrote that was, in fact, 1000% about her. Ngl I forgot I even wrote it and was surprised by how recently it was. I dunno if I'm really sorry about what I said, it's how I felt at the time and just given the context of how I've allowed you to treat me I simply don't trust you like that anymore.

To be clear I had a LOT of dropped threads at the time or wasn't getting responses at all and that was actively fucking with me and making me wanna quit entirely, but Awoo's behavior stuck with me bc she was one of the few whose responses flooded my dash and I just wouldn't be included. Not saying she's lying but frankly frankly even if it was true Idk what to tell you cause that wasn't the reason she gave at the time.

You very much did say "it's nobody's fault" and "my brain works differently" since you're accusing me of malicously taking you out of context and/or misremembering, but unfortunately I can't access the reply in the image attached bc it's been removed. I'll link it here, maybe something's fucky with my tumblr, I thought it might have been from the blog she ended up deleting but nah it takes me back to her current so -shrug-.

To go into further explanation about what she said (bc obviously I wasn't going to commit a post to photgraphic memory in a vent post) it was something to the effect of "sorry, that's just not how my brain works. once you tell me you're tired of something my brain just labels it as 'avoid at all costs'. It's nobody's fault but…" etc. etc.

She mentions she's autistic, which, I know?? She's mentioned it several times over the last 10 years. Most of my friends are neurodivergent with needs unmet. I'm autistic and soon to be tested for ADHD with needs unmet. I understand that life and socialization is extremely difficult for neurodivergent people.

My partner literally has avpd but she understands that ignoring people bc they make her anxious hurts those people and she takes steps to do what she's able to to circumvent those obstacles bc she cares about those people. I'm really over this self-infantilization people leap to to avoid being criticized the negatives things done because of their neurodivergence. Reminds me of when Sara would beef with everyone on dash and say 'Oh it's my depression'.

And it's not like you were unable to communicate. When I said I was playing fem!Izuku is like the ONLY time I've ever had you reach out to me in my DMs unprompted

Sure, maybe I missed the point of your callout post, whatever, but the point of my message was literally all I've ever asked of you was like, to talk to me and you blocked me without communicating again. The diff is I'm just over being gaslit into being nice and feeling like it's my fault.

You trying to push the responsibility back onto me with a "Oh well she never asked if she had a problem with me" in spite of the fact that I went SO far out of my way to accommodate you to the point of giving you different Cyr icons bc you were squicked out by hair covering eyes just puts the nastiest fucking taste in my mouth and it makes me mad tbh.

I cannot stress how much I'm always the one people expect to make the first move and how sick of it I am, that's why I didn't come to you. I'm not a 'coward', I just was done bowing and scraping for people who didn't like me.

If you cared, you had my discord, and it wasn't like I blocked you first. You had ways of contacting me, and you didn't. So the rigamarole of you 'being worried for me' just doesn't pass my smell test, sorry.

Maybe it does make me hypocrite to smell bs when I see it but it definitely doesn't make me gullible.

The rest is just her demanding an apology from me (nah, you first bitch) but, and I wanna be explicitly clear, the feeling is very mutual, I want nothing to do with this chick.

I wanna be very clear that the end result of this was never to rebuild a friendship with Awoo bc again, once she blocked me I realized this wasn't even the bulk of my problem with her, it was the last straw.

I'm don't wanna be friends with someone who publically calls me me disengenuous and makes me feel so bad I end up apologizing.

Or, again, someone who blocks me when I just say "oh, this person doesn't seem to want to interact on this sideblog so I'll just unfollow"

Maybe you're not like that anymore, or your neurodivergence makes you that way, but I just don't want people like that in my life anymore, and I'm done letting people make me feel small for standing up for myself.

I'll cop to calling you a bad person and saying you hate me bc a lot of that was me being in my feelings and I'm not a mind reader, nor do I know you well enough outside of the internet to make these claims.

But as much as you've tried to victimize yourself I 1000% stand by what I said before, I hope you don't treat you muts as shitty as you treated me.

Thank you for confirming tho that you're not sorry I think helps to know

[chainedtothedarkness]

still worn out/stressed from yesterdays event i guess

parents of course getting into loud argument thereby triggering my anxiety while i was working, had to close the door to at least suppress the volume

and then of course immediately after theyre done mother comes to explain what happened and say how it's dad's fault

but it was literally just a misunderstanding on both sides , pm they're looking for a new door and dad took the measurements of what we had to compare it to one he was looking at online and mentioned that it was recommended to get someone from the place to properly check everything. mother said in response to that current prompt (of getting person to check) that dad should do whatever he feels is best. dad got upset because he took that be regarding the door choice overall and not that current prompt, and said how mother always complains that he doesnt include her in things and then when he does she says he should make the choice anyway, when she didnt even look at the doors yet. mother gets upset in turn because dad didn't tell her to come look at the doors, and she didn't know he had the pictures there on the laptop at the time. shouting ensues

after work dad came to me to explain his end and talk about how unreasonable mother is, saying that mother could've just come over and look at the doors then after he said that, etcetc.

as always neither of them can ever admit that they were in the wrong (or only very begrudgingly smallest admittance that couldve done differently but that's rare and Still insist the other was More wrong in turn regardless) and always expect me to take their side each, while i always have to be like 'well the other one thought...' and quite a few times i've just told them to their faces 'you're both wrong' but most times i have to relay what the other one thought/felt because they don't talk things out with each other only with me and i've always always had to play mediator/be the middleman

tbh they used to do it to sita too when we were younger, but sita would almost always just 'don't drag me into this i'm not involved' whereas yeah i always tried to reason things out instead because i could see objectively where each side was coming from

but the fact they pm cant do anything together without getting into some kind of conflict/bickering (intensity varies) and still both vent to me and expect me to take sides/not say they were wrong is fucking exhausting and i'm tired of it and i'm tired of them always fucking fighting over the smallest things i'm so tired

its funny bc i vented abt this a little while ago too (in february)

yesterdays argument was really loud though and really gave me a whole anxious meltdown while working of all times and i think im still fucking anxious because of it

why cant my parents fucking talk things out maturely . they always say how the other is unreasonable/doesnt talk to them and tell them whats wrong but they Both fucking don't and they always have to vent to me (its nice they trust me to talk about their problems but its tiresome when they dont take accountability) and im so so tired

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday November 9th

6am Woke up really well rested! Good!

Got sad when I saw I didn't have any messages overnight. CBT: This is your anxiety plugging emotions into nothing. Nothing has transpired, there's no real reason to feel anxiety, the anxiety is only coming from inside you.

Why hasn't he texted you? He's sleeping and he's a POS you don't need that controlling your energy. You can't control what he does. Reclaim your energy.

What am I thankful for this morning?

- nights rest, stretches, soft blankets, cool fan, and the fact that I have no hw due tonight! Think about that! ❤️

630am I should buy another candle for the bathroom for my showers lol don't know why the last one went so quick

7am tumblr can be a really nice positive space, it's like the only positive social media like that's kinda insane.

8am about to get ready for class, I can't stop thinking about him. I would like to try to not text him today just to see what happens really. I'm afraid he won't notice or not care and just not text me either. Maybe that's what I need. Whatever this is, is clearly not working. Got to leave early enough to get a coffee bc maybe that will distract me. Drink for lunch too, I'm tired of gorging myself and wasting money on food. Just breathe oh yeah I'm going to take a benadryl and maybe that will help with anxiety.

830am I want to text him so bad but I really shouldn't lol. He doesn't care enough to change. I won't say he doesn't care at all, but he doesn't care enough for me to keep doing this. I got an iced coffee and an egg McMuffin :)

11am Daydreaming about traveling over the break. I need to be realistic tho. I know I am able to take off on a flight somewhere but let's be real I probably won't have the time off and money to do something like that. I'll keep it in mind, but I don't want another Disney scenario where I just go completely broke on one adventure, I'd rather do day trips, maybe an overnight if that even sounds like a good idea. I like sleeping in my own bed unless it's for a really good reason tbh. I want to focus on things around here that I don't typically have availability or mental capacity to do. I know I'll have fun regardless. Maybe even do the plasma thing some afternoons or mornings really to fund the adventures I'll have on my true off days. Just thoughts :)

1130am I passed my HIV patient counseling! It says satisfactory in the gradebook! For some reason I can't see my rubric so I started to panic and doubt myself, but now I know I'm not the only one who can't see their rubric, so I'm sure that part is a fluke/ irrelevant :) just breathe and enjoy the passing grades ❤️ if something is wrong, someone will let you know ❤️

12pm lunchtime! I'm getting curry chicken. Journaling is actually helping a lot and made me realize how intrusive and repetitive my thoughts are when I don't write them down. It's like I need a little vent port for these thoughts to fly out of my brain like steam out of a boiling pot of water. Crazy tbh lol.

1pm Ate lunch outside with some friends and it felt great!!

3pm lol I zoned out during the whole Verbal Defense (not mine!) But then he texted me good afternoon so I sent him a picture of my sweet tea, nothing crazy. I won't let him control my evening. I just wonder what is his motive lol. During class I was looking up free and cheap things to do and it's funny how a little googling can come up with a thousand things to do! So much fun to be had in the world :)

4pm he got me looking at my phone for a text back bitch guess what I'm taking a nap just like I planned lmao I'm not waiting around to talk to you wtf. Call me like I asked you to if you wanna talk, I hate this texting shit and he knows that. What am I a high schooler? Texting bs got you into this mess in the first place dumbass. I'm eating a cupcake and taking a nap.

6pm I have woke up from my nap. No messages lol I guess he just wanted to see if I was alive?? Don't know don't care. Nap was ok, cats kept waking me up or micro waking me up I think but that's ok too :) - There's really only one week left of this bullshit I am so proud of myself ❤️ I actually love the idea of NOT burning myself out the last week so that when I leave school I don't necessarily NEED to do that hibernating thing where I feel like shit for 4-5 days afterwards. I'd like to exit my verbal defense maybe take a nap just like I did today to refresh and then shit take myself out for a nice dinner and get dressed up. Instead of getting drunk and passing out, I can do that most other nights after a closing shift 🤣 I want to start my vacay right away with no need to "recover" in such a drastic manner. Let's see if we can make that happen :) I think that also includes NOT avoiding fun things the next week, bc I always avoid fun stuff when I'm stressed as if I'm going to jinx myself, but I think I'm ready to break that curse of "all work and no play." We shall see ;)

9pm A little tipsy but I'm getting my work done :)

11pm I keep wanting to text him because I'm in a GOOD MOOD but when he doesn't reply it puts me in a bad mood....... So solution is simply DON'T TEXT HIM AND ENJOY YOUR GOOD MOOD QUEEN 😂 he's stupid for leaving and he's missing out on this drunken chill fest tbh and one day, I'll have a fuck ton of friends I've acquired through the years of being myself that I can randomly snap my thoughts to and they'll actually reply and care 😂

12am I know I texted him some dumb shit but idc I still feel good and I love journaling and Tumblr. Getting tacos again for dinner bc JFC I did a LOT of dumb shit work today. He's such a loser he can't do shit by himself not even get a taco 🤣 tbh one day I feel like you'll find someone who's gone through what you've gone through and you'll have so much in common and everything will just be EASY. Yeah I'm fucked but I'm not the only one going through this so I know I have an army of ppl out in the world who would have my back in a heartbeat and THAT'S what matters and what keeps me going fr.

1245am What a weird day. I want to keep journaling so bad I think it'll help me alottttt. I texted him a little but it's like it doesn't matter as much as it did previously lol. It's different now. Let's keep it up :)

[wikipedie]

.

[fern-core]

i have no excuse for my severely lacking performance this semester. working full time isn't a good enough excuse, because i made time to do classwork. i've been able to do it just fine for the last three semesters, so why is this one any different? it shouldn't be, but i'm so unmotivated and tired and i shouldn't be!! i'm just exaggerating how hard my job is and being a whiny little pissbaby because i have to do something and not sit around all day!! like my therapist thinks i work SO hard and shit but i don't. i haven't consistently turned in assignments since like the third week of class, it's not like i'm actually using my days off for school like i'm supposed to be. instead i chitchat about selfships and play video games and read fanfic. i don't even barely write anymore, like i wish i was at least using this time to be even a little bit productive. like how much recovery time do i really need from just answering phones? that's all i do, sit in front of a computer and answer phones and solve people's problems. it's not that hard of a job, especially bc i only put in the minimally required effort. i'm just an impostor convincing everyone that i try so hard!! and this semester is barely salvageable bc there's only one week left, and no opportunity to turn anything in late. i just get what i get, and that's the grade i deserve for being so lazy. this is the shit i used to pull when i was in college the first time and i was severely depressed and in the throes of an extremely codependent and unhealthy relationship!! i was being cheated on and manipulated!! i literally stopped going to classes and stopped talking to other people and only left my room when my ex needed someone to fuck her or stop her from killing herself lmao. that was a good enough reason to be having a shit time with school. working a full time job and having enough money to be comfortable and do fun things and having friends to talk to? nowhere in there do i see any reason to justify how lazy i've been. burnout is real but i'm just being lazy. i have no excuse to not maintain my 4.0 this semester, but i fucked that up. and now i just need to chalk this semester up to a loss and make sure i stay productive over the summer so that i can not be a lazy sack of shit in the fall when i actually have to show up to class in person twice a week. lmao if i feel burnt out now, just wait until i have class for four hours and then immediately turn around and work for 10. that'll be a good time. anyway. i'm being whiny but this is where i come to be whiny so whatever.

[tcgekiss]

i’m sad as hell and i’m pretty sure its because i only slept for like five hours and even then it was after trying to pull an all nighter so i just had like, a two hour nap then a three hour one an hour after i woke up and now i know why i’m depressed all the time during the school year because jesus not having enough sleep fucks me up

also i’m afraid of getting a new phone bc what if i get one and then i just get more aware of the fact that i’m lonely as hell because i’ve only talked to maybe... three people on a regular basis within almost three weeks and even then i haven't had regular communication with anyone except my family

and i don’t know if it makes me sad that like, no one i know irl (even someone i consider close and who even HAS my discord and i see this person online all the time) doesn't talk to me like. at all. which means this would be a great time for me to start talking but like, with this specific person i know even if i do try to talk to them it’ll go like... nowhere

also i got sad again over the fact i have to go to summer school and i’m doubting my entire future AGAIN 

i think i’m overthinking things bc i’m tired

also i need to check up on my if my mom is actually looking for a therapist for me like she said she would do.... months ago

but on a POSITIVE NOTE, i’ve felt really good about my body and my face the past few days? (worked on my diet+ i’ve been exercising) and i’ve actually already dropped weight and feel better? so that’s :)

i’ll just take today as a really weird day and i’m sure i’ll be better by tomorrow

[genderkoolaid]

hi, sorry if this is bothersome but i'm feeling really shitty and have questions and don't know who else to turn to. i recently made a post about how my friends talk in a very condescending way about men and how in general people complaining about men being trash in front of me makes me feel bad and like they think i'm inferior (i'm a trans man). i got a reply that accused me of wanting women to be uncomfortable around me and being misogynistic on order to be accepted by cis men. and that i should be thankful that women are comfortable complaining about men around me bcs that means they see me as non-threatening. it made me think - should i just suck it up? this is a reoccurring theme in my life that evolved into a microtrauma - i hate when people shit on men around me, i both take it personally and sometimes i see it just as being a shitty person when those women aren't complaining about something that men did to them, just saying how weak and stupid men are. i have lost 2 friends because they kept making fun of men and then of me for being a man. and i'm just wondering, if i really should just empathize with them and ignore my feelings - if that's the right thing to to - or if i'm allowed to feel what i feel (hurt, angry, sad, like they think i'm inferior, that they're being unfair and mean) and maybe even call them out or just express my feelings in a non-threatening way. because i feel shitty as hell - i feel inferior and also misgendered somehow. but what if i'm ignoring women's issues and being misogynistic? what if i just need to be more considerate?

a continuation of that ask about being uncomfortable when people shit on men: i just remembered i wanted to express this too. again, sorry of you don't want people venting into your inbox. from all the transandrophobia on the internet, i developed this microtrauma that is manifesting in fear of women and women focused lgbt spaces. i'm not afraid of all women, this is specifically only on the internet and it's not on a big scale. also mostly on tumblr. what happens is that i see posts specifically about, like, girls being absolutely amazing, or like, trans women specifically needing help. and i get this whiplash of like, fear that something against men or trans men will follow. it usually doesn't and i might even reblog that post. but there's still this fear that there are so many women on the internet that hate men and trans men specifically and will look down on me and will harrass me and it could be anyone. and anything that even remotely reminds me of anti-trans-men posts will make me feel scared just for a few seconds. like those posts that go "support trans people, especially trans women!" or even absolutely innocent posts. and i feel pretty guilty for that, i mean feeling bad bcs of a post that supports women (trans or cis) sounds like (trans)misogyny. but i rationally don't have anything against that, i mean i'm a feminist and i'm all for trans women's rights and happiness. i support trans (and cis) women. it's just the trauma, bcs anti-transmascs often support trans (and cis) women and compare us with them. i'm just scared that those women will hate me. idk i just wanted to tell someone and be heard. i'm so tired and i know i should go off the internet, i'm gonna do that now. thank you so much for reading.

For lack of a less stereotypical phrase, your feelings are valid.

A lot of the "men are bad" stuff comes from genuine experiences with misogynstic men. Venting about that is not bad, but "venting about your oppression is good" does not mean that "venting can never be done in a hurtful way". If you were to talk condescendingly about women constantly because of how you've been hurt by women around your woman friends, it would be kind of a dick move. The same goes for cis women. Venting about how you've been hurt by men isn't bad, but that doesn't mean you have free range to say whatever you want with no thought for how it impacts people because "I'm venting about my oppression!" Your ex-friends should've listened to how they made you feel, because it's not right to excuse you hurting your friend. Especially when you are a trans man and already experience shame and hatred for being a man. Hurting other people and continuing to do to it when they tell you they've been hurt isn't excusable.

Obviously, you shouldn't let this let you become irrationally suspicious or negative towards women. But you also are not a bad person for reacting to constant stress and discrimination. When you constantly deal with sudden discrimination and harassment from people, it's natural to start getting suspicious or upset when you see things that remind you of that. I get the same way! Seeing posts and being hit with the worry of "would this person be normal about me? Would they harass me? Is this post innocent or an underhanded way of hurting me?" It's upsetting to have that reaction, because you want to just be happy and supportive. But the microtrauma of having those posts be connected to transandrophobia again and again takes it's toll, and it doesn't make you a bad person for having a reaction to that. The fact that transmascs have this microtrauma in general is a sign that there is something wrong with the online community and how it treats transmascs.