#this is like textbook definition of catastrophizing

[hiding-in-the-vault]

.

[holmsister]

I think one of the things Dungeon Meshi is definitely about is how different people deal with being an outsider/marginalised/neurodivergent/what have you and basically what im getting at is that Kabru is TEXTBOOK "high functioning [insert diagnosis here]". Its that how they say it still? Don't care.

Basically. This man shows up and you listens to him talk and see how his party treats him and you think. Oh this is a cool guy who has his shit together. And then after like two pages you find out that he has constant flashbacks to Utaya that make him completely freeze, anxiety attacks, thought spirals, is incapable of analyzing his own feelings, is a stuttering mess when the stakes are high, has never done a chore in his life, keeps putting himself in triggering situations and re-traumatising himself, and the icing on the cake is when you read the extra material and it turns out he regularly forgets to eat and lives in a depression nest of dirty clothes and self-medicates insomnia with alcohol and also is 22. Which also kind of puts Misilril not wanting to let him go in another light - yeah for sure she's controlling and infantilising and also its not like she was really helping his issues but also she was not entirely wrong in her judgement. This man does NOT know how to take care of himself. He knows how to do the bare minimum so when he shows up at work the next day he can fool his coworkers into thinking hes got it together enough. For a bit.

He is DEEPLY unwell and he knows it but he is carried by the desperate wish to avoid another catastrophe. If he stops for a moment he KNOWS he'll collapse so he doesn't.

I also think this is why him acting nurse to Mithrun is such an important part of his arc. Its like. This person who has spent all of his adult life focused on a single objective disregarding everything else is faced with what happens when you do that for too long. And the result is a wet tissue of a creature who looks like he doesn't know where he is most of the time.

He is a man on the brink. I have no doubt he felt relieved when he decided he could trust Laios - not even in a Labru way, straight up because he knew he could not keep going like this.

But also like. Of all the characters in the manga, I think Senshi and Kabru are the most lonely ones. Except Senshi seems to be OK with solitude - for sure it's not entirely healthy to be alone for as long as he was but he definitely did well enough. He is very good at taking care of himself. Meanwhile Kabru *knows* a lot of people but can you really say he has friends? Rin, maybe, arguably, but even she does not seem to truly know him, you know? He keeps himself hidden from everyone. I think the only time we see him entirely honest is when he says to Laios that he wanted to be his friend, and hes so shocked when it comes out, you can tell he did not mean to say it. And differently from Senshi, he does NOT fare well alone. He likes people, he needs people. Again compare with Mithrun - he has like a squad of people taking care of him. If Kabru had a breakdown of that size can you say his party would go out of its way to help? Im not sure. Not because they're bad people, but because he's simply not that intimate with any of them.

Idk man it just struck me all of a sudden. Laios is weird and offputting and doesn't care about other humans the way Kabru does and YET he is infinitely more successful at building deep, meaningful relationships and taking care of himself as well. I think this is part of why Kabru is so fascinated with him as well. He can tell Laios has something he doesn't have. Wait this is turning into a whole another post I'll write this next time.

[megvmins]

moments with wind breaker men

some bf headcanons with my fav troublemakers.

includes: vinny, jay, dom, owen, joker

warnings: suggestive

author's note: I fell in love again and I need to share my Wind Breaker headcanons with the world. I wanted to add more but I might just do part 2 for the rest of the boys. likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated! 🫶

VINNY: it's notoriously well-known that waking up sleeping Vinny is impossible unless he can smell something delicious or hear people talking about food. that being sad, it is also absolutely impossible to get out of his embrace in the morning. arms hugging your waist, his chin resting on the top of your head and your legs intertwined, there is nowhere for you to go. once Vinny actually wakes up, he plants a soft kiss on the top of your head (but if you mention him doing that he will deny it like his life depends on it) and only then will he let go. your favorite past-time has to be annoying him because his reactions are always priceless. for example when you two are brushing your teeth side by side and you end up pulling faces looking at him through the mirror. it's all worth it just to see him almost spit out his toothpaste and throw you a death glare that softens into a loving eye-roll. 

JAY: cooking with Jay is one of your favorite moments. if you weren't a good cook, Jay is the perfect teacher thanks to his patience, so even if you mess up he wouldn't get angry (but he might make the cutest puzzled expressions over the possible catastrophes you manage to create while working on a fairly straightforward beginner friendly recipe). those puppy-like faces just make u wanna smooch him and he definitely doesn't mind. that being said, he is frustratingly proper and won't just ditch the cooking for a make-out session (his mind is definitely running with ideas but his self-control is something to behold, unfortunately). he will just resume cooking, this time standing right behind you and guiding you through your second attempt. just know he knows what he's doing and that you did not learn anything while he was in such a close proximity and all you could think about was how nice it feels to be in his arms and that his shampoo smells amazing. 

DOM: everyone knows that Dom got really passionate about biking and now his mind is literally filled with it and nothing else. but exams are coming up and he is in great need of intervention to not repeat the year again. you'd think helping him study would be pretty straightforward but it's definitely not. half the time you just find him gazing at you with heart eyes and content smile. sometimes it's necessary to just bonk his head with your textbook to bring him back to earth. but can you blame him? he is just really curious about the new chapstick he saw you use. so to motivate him to study you have to bet something on the line and suddenly he is back to being the Mr. Passionate everyone knows him to be. it only takes the promise of a few kisses and his motivation is back in overdrive. 

OWEN: Owen is great at distracting you. if you are having a tough time or just need to do something to forget about your troubles for a bit, he is the best person to go to. he's going to search up places to take you to – pretty cafes that are absolutely instagram worth and shopping trip that will make your feet hurt and your closet overflow because he will not hold back. if he sees your gaze linger on something he is pushing it into your arms to try it. it's definitely not just a treat for you, don't be mistaken. he loves seeing you show off the items and bonus points if you need him to help you zip something up. he plays it all cool and suave but his fingers are shaking a little bit, he takes his sweet time with it and then he makes sure to send you a naughty smile with a compliment that makes you weak in the knees. 

JOKER: Joker isn't really a fan of having you attend his underground fights. it makes him uneasy, thinking he will scare you away and that you might be used against him if someone decides to look for his weakness. that doesn't stop you from showing up anyway and patching him up. at this point you are both used to this silent dance of you cleaning his cuts and cooling down his soon-to-be-bruises. when you finish up, he brings you closer between his thighs and hugs your midriff since he is usually sitting down before you and rests his head on your chest/stomach listening to your calming heartbeat. before he let's go he whispers soft “thanks.” and offers a faint barely there smile that somehow still manages to make your heart skip a beat. 

[nancyheart11]

I finally finished it!! :D

this is the wool coat that was my capstone project for the sewing portion of my classes!

It is fully lined, tailored for me, and extremely warm!

I chose a pattern that had princess seams and put a shawl collar on the coat instead of the notched collar everyone else in the class was doing

Here's a picture of one of my bound buttonholes! A kind of button holes so hard to do that my pattern making textbook just says to get a professional to do it for you if you want them in a garment XD

Here's a picture of the kind of button I chose. I decided on this because it looks a lot like the twill of the wool making up the coat it rests on!

This is the damask lining I ended up using (I had a pima cotton originally, but had a catastrophic failure that made me unable to use it for this project) it's almost exactly the same shade as mint frosting so my classmates and I started calling it my mint brownie (⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧

That pima cotton I mentioned earlier? There was still enough after disaster struck to do the pockets! Cotton makes for a much better pocket than damask and these pockets are hidden in the princess seams lines while being big enough to fit my phone, lipstick, and gloves at the same time!

This project was stressful at times, but it was such a a blast and I learned a TON and now I have a great coat for formal events again! The only real downside is that because I made it from wool this coat has to be dry cleaned (which I definitely can't afford after buying the materials to make this coat XD)

[mxrtified777]

okay, i completely switched gears to somewhat coherent ideas, thoughts, and rambling instead of an essay. this doesn't really have anything new or groundbreaking, its more or less just me thinking out loud about nevin; so here, take what ive written in the last 2 hours

☆ I don’t believe that Nevin has the textbook-definition of a victim complex; he’s obviously going to be more complex than the first google result of a Victim Complex/Mentality, but he absolutely shares behaviors and tendencies with said textbook-definitions. He has been shown to deflect blame (“I’m sorry you feel…” / “I-I… It wasn’t a fight, I didn’t hit him, he…”), as well as (seemingly) having a tendency to catastrophize (“...No… but Nevin tends to assume the worst,...”). A key difference between him and a typical victim mentality is his optimism. He believes that things can and will get better and that he has control over elements in his own life. (“I wouldn’t say it’s too late.” / “The only way to go is forward. As someone who has lived in four different states, things aren’t going to stay the same forever.”) He’s hyper-vigilant about possible threats due to negative past experiences, particularly about people (loud coughing Edward). This is shown through Nevin complaining about Drew’s choice of friends, both being people that Nevin actively dislikes and doesn’t trust. (“Is that fucking Quinton?” … “Where the hell are you going with him? / “I said, I'll tell you later,” … “I can’t talk about this right now.” / “Have you been hanging around him behind my back?”)

☆ Nevin doesn’t actively use his trauma to elicit sympathy from others. The thing that separates Nevin from a victim complex the most is intention. He isn’t like “boohoo im so traumatized no one likes me let me do what i want im so damaged”. When he’s talking about his personal hardships and emotions (a rare occurrence) he’s not doing it to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, he’s literally just sharing how he feels. So his feelings of being a victim are internal for the most part, but. I mean. Yeah, he was the victim

☆ Chris’s tendency to be blamed for things paired with Nevin’s tendency to deflect blame is. It's not going to be fun. Because yes, Chris is a pushover, but he didn’t hesitate to call out Nevin for being unreasonable in their bathroom screaming match. What I'm wondering is how/if this will alter as their relationship develops; will Chris become more tolerant of Nevin’s unjust behavior? Will Chris call him out for outbursts like this in the future, and will Nevin take offense to it?

☆ This is why you do your research, kids. So you don’t prepare for 5 hours for an essay and then you realize your topic makes no sense and can’t actually be proven

☆ Nevin lashing out when offered help by Drew (“What do you think you’re doing?... / “I’m healing you. What do you think?” / “You shouldn’t have. I did this to myself.”) is also considered to be a common behavior for people with a victim mentality. This scene also makes me wonder about how Nevin reacts to being helped/assisted, and a step further than that, being coddled/babied. He’s been the caregiver all his life. He’s been the protector; suddenly, having the tables being flipped on him where he’s the one being cared for is gonna be fun to watch. Like don’t get me wrong, Grandma Jovel is an awesome parent, nothing but unconditional love for her, but it’s obviously gonna be different coming from say Drew or Chris, and it’s also gonna be different between those two as well. We’ve already seen Drew be kind of that way with Nevin, at the end of their argument (“You’re not alone, Nevin. You have me,” … “Even so… I do need to be a part of this because I love you, and I don’t want you to feel alone.” / “Drew, stop that…” … “You’re going to make me cry, too.”)

thanks for coming to what i spent a collective 6 hours on today, im gonna return to being Silly with my boys now

[godfrey-the-chaos-duck]

this just in: Irish loser is Sad™ because all my friends can go and do shit but not me apparently

Vent under the cut, I'm really sorry about this but I have to get it off my chest (it's nothing too serious but it is kinda long)

I'm eighteen. I've voted twice. I've finished secondary school. People my age are planning holidays and going to college and moving out and actually living life, and I feel like I'm falling behind so so much.

I don't have a bank account. I don't have a passport or any form of photo ID with a date of birth. I don't even have (or want!) a driver's licence, I will circle back to that later though.

My parents (particularly my mom) keep saying they'll help me get set up with all the above but because Mom's busy with work and Dad's really forgetful, it never gets done.

It's gotten to a point where I don't actually see a point in getting these things set up, for the following reasons:

I haven't had my name legally changed yet so everything would be set up under my deadname. Which. Fuck that.

For a bank account to make sense I would need money and I live in literally the textbook definition of "rural ass farming town" so the only jobs around that don't need experience are working in the supermarket or food service. I would, and I'm not exaggerating here, rather launch myself into a black hole than do those jobs because I've heard from my neurotypical peers how hard they are so I can only imagine how awful it would be for someone with autism like myself. My only other option is to try and get unemployment benefits but like. What would I even be spending the money on? Certainly not a house (the housing market in Ireland is literally impossible) and not a holiday either.

For a passport to make sense I would need to be able to travel, and quite aside from the No Money thing (see above) I've been fucked over by fate yet again because Mom doesn't trust me to go places on my own. She's only quite recently started letting me take the bus to a town half an hour away with friends. I don't even see the use in asking her to go on a train/plane/ferry unaccompanied because I know for a fact she'd say no. She'd say something along the lines of "we should do this together a few times first" which, understandable, but then she's so tired from work and busy with housework on the weekends that that never ends up coming to fruition. Add to that my crippling anxiety, catastrophic thinking and fear of the unknown, and I have basically conditioned myself into thinking I can never go anywhere more than a half hour's drive away without a parent.

I do not want to learn to drive. My dad keeps telling me I should because it would give me freedom, except no it wouldn't. It's not like I could use his car because he needs to go places too, and I could probably never afford my own car cause that shit is expensive as hell to run and maintain, so I really see no sense in learning. Also, I have the navigational skills of a teaspoon, so I would be basically guaranteed to get lost.

All of this has come to a point where I'm super hesitant to ask for anything because I know that either my parents will outright say no, or I'll end up chickening out because they'll remind me there's probably something I haven't thought of. (Mind, they don't often fully explain what)

And this was fine a few years ago when I had no friends and couldn't see how people actually lived their lives, but as my friends are all telling me about things they plan to do, I guess I'm having a lot of realisations.

The first time a classmate of mine said she was going on a holiday independently with some friends of hers, my first immediate thought was, "Do her parents just not care?" This would've been a little over two years ago, when I and all my class were around 16.

Now, though, I'm realising that teens going places on their own is actually NORMAL and that, big surprise, I'm once again the weird one. I told Mom about this and her response was "there's no right speed to do life at" which is right, you shouldn't do things if you don't feel ready to do them, but I don't know, something about this whole situation feels kinda wrong to me.

Here's the thing that's made me emotional today though.

The big Pride festival in Ireland is on June 29th. I wanted to go last year with my friends but Mom said no because it would be "too crowded" and "what if something goes wrong and I can't be there for you" and all that. And the worst part? She's right. It would have been very overwhelming.

Anyway this year, my friends aren't going, so even if by some miracle Mom's answer was going to change, I would feel awkward not being able to go with anyone I knew. So I'm not even gonna ask.

The way I see it, I can't move on with my life in any way as it stands. I can't release music, or publish books, or sign up to act in anything, until I get my name changed, because I do not want to be renowned under my deadname.

But I also feel like I can't change my name until I move out. My parents say they need to know where I am all the time, to the point where I once had an outing with a group of friends interrupted by a call from my father because I had left with the group from the coffee shop he'd dropped me off at, to a different shop somewhere else, two minutes' walk away.

I don't know. I feel like I have no freedom or independence and I'm genuinely unsure whether this is normal for people my age, or if it's an autism thing, or if my parents (again, particularly my mother) are being weird.

Basically what I'm wondering is

Is it healthy to be in this situation? And if not, how can I get out of it?

Again, I'm really really sorry about this, I know I don't usually get all personal on here but just. I feel weird about this and need some advice or at the very least a virtual shoulder to cry on

[readingsquotes]

"The problem is — and I will keep banging this drum as long as I have to — Biden’s incoherence on Israel and Palestine is both morally unforgivable and bad political strategy. He is bleeding support not only from young people, Arab-Americans, and others incensed with his continued support for a genocidal war machine, but also from pro-Israel moderates and Never Trump conservatives who are enraged at his furtive and contradictory efforts to ever-so-slightly rein that war machine in. I’ll give more details about that incoherence below. For now, I’ll just say that by trying to make everyone a little happy, he is making no one happy, as the pile of Palestinian corpses grows at his feet.

But that’s the narrow part of the question in the context of American politics. The bigger issue for me is why Biden’s management of the human catastrophe in Gaza is so salient. My answer is that it points to the larger and even more consequential failures of liberal politics over the last four to eight years.

....the heart of Biden’s failure to both recognize and confront the actual danger facing democracy. In a recent In These Times essay titled “Antifacism after Gaza,” the Italian philosopher Alberto Toscano subtly tweaked leftist Democratic politicians for whom “the threat of Trumpian despotism blunted opposition” to Biden’s Israel policy: “There is a bitter irony in granting primacy to the national fight against fascism over the campaign to stop a U.S.-funded genocide when the current Israeli government — in its exterminationist rhetoric, patronage of racist militias, colonizing drive and ultranationalism — fits textbook definitions of fascism far more neatly than any other contemporary regime.”

The campus protests would have been another opportunity for Biden to show his commitment to democratic and pro-social ideals. I’m not saying he had to support the protesters or their aims — they are, after all, in large part protesting him. But no one made Biden take the further step of employing reactionary talking points about the protests being fonts of antisemitism and supposedly genocidal rhetoric, or repeating memeified claims about “Jewish students” being “blocked, harrassed, attacked, while walking to class” — questionable claims that have been weaponized to justify state and vigilante violence against demonstrators exercising their First Amendment rights.2 Biden repeated those claims on May 7, Israeli Holocaust Remembrance Day. Yet he said nothing about the weeks of wanton anti-demonstrator violence by both police and unhinged pro-Israel counterprotesters. In fact, instead of condemning the episodic police state, he is pushing a new plan to funnel $37 billion more to police departments and hire 100,000 more cops.

The political problem here should be obvious. How do you explain to a student who just watched, say, the NYPD throw their friends down a flight of stairs for participating in a nonviolent protest — acts committed without so a peep of condemnation from the president — that a vote for him is a vote against fascism?

Nor is Gaza the only place Biden and the Democrats keep undermining their claim to being the antifascist party. The president has repeatedly pleaded with Trump to work with him in passing a MAGA-like immigration bill: one that prioritized enforcement, detention, and “shutdown” measures over, for instance, pathways to citizenship for undocumented migrants or those who came as children. When Trump didn’t take Biden’s obvious political bait, the president tried running even further to his right. Biden can insist, as he did at the State of the Union, that he “will not demonize immigrants” or endorse Trump’s Hitlerian cant about “poisoning the blood of our country.” But by adopting reactionary fearmongering about the need to “secure the border” above all else, all that remains of a message to voters is that even squishy libs think the fascists have a point about immigration — it’s just that they aren’t willing to do more to stop it.

The connection between state violence at home and genocide abroad isn’t lost on the students. Popular chants connect the dispossession and killing in Palestine to U.S. policy in the Philippines, Vietnam, and Latin America, as well as immigration policy here: “From Palestine to Mexico / border walls have got to go.” As Toscano notes, protesters at the University of Texas chanted at the Austin police: “APD! KKK! / IDF! They’re all the same!” — connecting domestic policing and racism to the Israeli military. And indeed, that connection isn’t purely theoretical: thousands of U.S. police officers have received direct training from the Israeli military on crowd control, use of force, and surveillance in recent decades, including the NYPD, and yes, the Austin police as well.

[the-awful-falafel]

Finally actually watched all of s6e9. Incredibly mixed feelings overall, so here’s some noticeable pros and cons I jotted down:

Pros:

The sheer relief of a Morty focused episode after him getting sidelined this whole season is palpable, I missed this kid

Morty casually insulting and being suspicious of Rick, at least in the beginning, good for him

Morty running the show for much of the episode, making decisions, and being bold shows not all his development was trashed, at least?

There are a lot of depressing implications about Morty being initially willing to ditch his family for the sun knights, or at least considering it not a dealbreaker if he never has to see them again. Poor kid definitely has a repressed desire to escape his family environment if given a strong enough alternative... wonder if they’re going to ever explore that further?

On paper, an episode that finally addresses the lasting impact of the Vat of Acid incident is a good one, and Morty briefly snapping at Rick in the garage was cathartic, even if the execution leaves... much to be desired

Rick and Morty hugging near the climax was.... kinda sweet, I guess?

Animation was good, especially in the sun kingdom

Cons:

Once again another “Morty fucks up and causes a massive catastrophe and Rick needs to save him” episode, except this time Rick is nice and emphasizing just how much nicer he’s gotten by saying sorry, being constantly supportive, and asking to be trusted in dialogue so Morty’s continued reliance + dependency on Rick is clearly fine and not disappointing /s

Rick is delivering the most unnatural, heavy-handed "therapy textbook” style apologies + support + emotional communication with Morty, in such a flat voice too. Like, I’m sorry, but this does not register as something Rick as a character would say at all, much less what an actual real person would say to someone else even when working on their self-improvement, and the fact I know this is supposedly sincere character development just makes me more disappointed in how incredibly forced it’s being delivered tbh

Morty’s resentment was drastically overstated to me in summaries. He’s in this weirdly calm and sympathetic state when Rick is monologuing his aforementioned info-dumpy apologies to him-- he only really gets that one good scene where he lashes out at Rick in the garage, but it passes by really quickly, and by the end of the episode what little distrust there is is basically all forgiven and forgotten because good news, Rick is truly kind and able to be trusted now! And while Morty’s rightfully suspicious of the rug getting pulled out from under him the whole episode (which is like, realistic and better than nothing) that distrust is weirdly minimized and framed as something irrational to maintain in the face of Rick’s newfound goodness

(Not particularly surprising considering the bullshit of how Morty’s character was handled in the crow break-up two-parter and how forgiving he’s written to better facilitate Rick’s near-saccharine character growth spurt, but uuuuuuugggh)

This episode just feels like the writers addressing one of the most fucked up and abusive things Rick ever did to Morty, but only out of obligation, ticking "take responsibility for the vat of acid incident” off the Rick redemption checklist and then resolving the consequences of that incident as quickly as possible (aka, the trauma this sort of abuse is implied to have left on Morty to the point where Rick getting forgiven by him so fast and cleanly would be uncomfortable no matter how sincere Rick’s turnaround is) so they can reclaim the whole vat-death gambit a display of how much Rick and Morty love and trust each other now. I’d be genuinely shocked if there are any actual consequences for Rick’s past abuse of Morty after this episode, because it just feels like they rapidly papered over it in this episode with “your feelings are valid Morty, but it’s okay he’s nice now just trust him”

R&M’s reconciliation feels just as shallow and uncomfortable to me now as it did back in the S5 finale (even though there were admittedly a few good moments in this episode, they only feel like they work without any context of what led to this point) and they just keep digging themselves deeper into the same problems the more they twist the narrative to revolve around Rick’s hyper-idealized healing process

Controversial opinion time, but I kinda hope there’s some sort of fakeout/reveal/incident in the finale that makes Rick regress to an extent, makes his self-improvement arc fall back to be more grueling and realistic and gives his victims more of a right to not immediately (or ever) forgive him. Because tbh, I’ve been watching Bojack Horseman recently, and it just makes the sheer unsatisfying nature of Rick’s character growth since the S5 finale even more apparent, and I’d hate for this to just be the unquestioned status quo from here on out.

[darlinggeorgiedear]

The fans of Bertie (King George VI) seem to underrate and even ignore King George V. Dont they know that if it wasnt for King George V's great leadership, their Bertie would have lived his whole life in exile with no titles, forgotten by all, like most of his ex royal cousins from monarchies that were toppled ? It was King George V who saved the monarchy during WW1 which was way more disastrous than WW2 in more ways than one. Without King George V there is no King George VI and no Queen Elizabeth. Lets not forget this

I think I've written this before, but I feel like George Vi sometimes gets more recognition because WWII is more relevant today, and because his daughter, Queen Elizabeth constantly referred to him.

In the future, I think it's going to be different and both will be viewed in a more textbook way, since there isn't anyone alive to share personal stories.

In some ways, they were similar, because both were Kings during a World War. Yet, WWI was definitely more traumatic for the British Royal Family, because it completely shifted the power structure of Europe from monarchies to the shaky new governments that lead to WWII.

Britain's role in WWII was more attempting to maintain the diminishing power that still remained, while WWI was much more of a shake to the system. Even though I think the British Empire looked different after WWI, Britain was able to maintain it in a different way that was still strong. Since George V was King during very unsettled times, he was also able to exercise more power.

I don't necessarily think one was better than the other. They had different characters, and were King during different time periods that required a different type of Kingship. Also, sadly, George Vi wasn't on the throne for too long, so maybe if he lived longer he would have had more opportunities to make more of a mark.

I just wanted to add that George Vi was definitely a superb King, and deserves all the recognition. My point is that sometimes WWI is just forgotten, which in result, undervalues George V. Ideally they would get equal treatment.

Obviously if the Nazis had invaded Britain it would have had catastrophic consequences on George Vi, and he acted very heroically when the scenario was quite likely. I just always feel like his role as monarch was quite similar to his daughter’s, which was trying to conserve his place as a Monarch in a modern undervaluing world (both did a great job and led by example). While when George V became King, his biggest concern was carving out where he fit in amongst a world that was run by monarchies. I just feel like by WWii, Britain had already lost the “Empire” and its general place in the world (technically the Empire was intact but was hanging on by a thread), while WWi was much more of a true shake down for the monarchy, which George V expertly handled.

[thesylphroad]

Inner Monologue Shitpost Breakdown A.K.A. Review of Chapter 2 of "A Court of Thorns and Roses"

Commence Chapter Two

Even though just a few minutes ago narrator gave us that whole concerning spiel about how her world has no color in it anymore, the moment something good finally happened her world is "a living painting" once again. This is textbook catastrophizing, and I will say it again: protagonist absolutely has BPD. I love this, because it makes her more relatable as a heroine. But also...seek therapy, please. There is a less compelling counter-argument to be made for the possibility that she's simply suffering hallucinations in color due to starvation and/or hypothermia, but overall I'm feeling confident about my prognosis.

In chapter one narrator foreshadowed her two sisters as these sort of...2D villains...but now she's walking into the house and catches their muffled talking from inside and she's like (paraphrasingly), "I don't actually need to hear what they're saying to know it's something stupid about like boys or ribbons" which is so cunty but I love it. Like, this sort of knee-jerk condescension where she minimizes them to silly, shallow, frivolous little idiots without even HEARING them...chef's kiss. It's this implication that our protagonist isn't such a black and white instrument of morality that makes her character more likable in my mind.

She extends this same flavor of contempt to their father in the very next paragraph, because it turns out he's also wildly incompetent, and gullible to boot. We learn that this is a combination of their family's unfortunate financial situation, a smattering of PTSD (courtesy of some kind of evil banker crony guys attacking and crippling him), and what reeks of depression-induced executive dysfunction. Dad has basically fucked off and given up, sisters are essentially useless.

Verdict: there's definitely some weaponized incompetence going on in this household, and everyone just assumes narrator is going to pick up the slack (she does). She also vaguely hints at the fact that she's only DOING it because she has to. Reader (me) is not surprised to hear this. Narrator takes promises very seriously, and is constantly burdened by this promise she made to their dying mother. Their dying mother knew to place this burden on narrator, because...well...quite frankly the rest of the household fucking sucks. Dad is fruitlessly chasing the "someday I'll be rich" dragon, courtesy of the book's real-world parallel of our capitalistic brainwashed poverty regime; he is doing little wood carvings no one fucking wants because he's a freelance whittler in a destitute village where nobody can AFFORD HIS SILLY CURIO CURIOSITIES. Sister Elain is pretty and brainless and probably just needs to marry a rich man with a big garden (she loves flowers). Obviously this one is Dad's favorite, which is just an extra sting to the narrator's piling list of injustices. Sister Nesta is...a cunt? There's a line about how she deliberately places Dad's cane out of his reach, which is funny but also, what the fuck? This could also be some manifestation of her just being really unsatisfied with his mediocre parenting, which is pretty understandable in retrospect.

This chapter is...better than the first. Thank the forgotten gods. Author struggles with the concept of nuance. This is less of an issue for the narrator, because the author overtells everything the narrator thinks and feels (to an extreme degree); but once we are introduced to characters whose perspectives we aren't given directly, it becomes a problem. For example, I know I'm not supposed to hate the narrator's sisters. The only reason I know this is because the narrator has explained to me in exact words that SHE doesn't hate them. But are they WRITTEN as irredeemable villains? Yes, absolutely. Can I forgive the fact that they don't notice the narrator is covered in blood, or offer to help with any of the meal prep, but immediately both jump to what she can buy for them with the money she gets from the wolf pelt? No. But I get the sense that I'm supposed to, in that EVENTUALLY the narrator will insist that I root for them.

If the author had chosen to make the sisters CHILDREN, I would feel a lot differently here, because, despite being the youngest child, the narrator is shouldering the brunt of the household's emotional and financial needs. She promised her dying mother she would play mother once she was gone, which...is not fair to her, obviously...and now I SEE why she took 3 years to leave the forest and has a branching inner monologue that rivals Homer's Odyssey and a very pronounced, undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. They do SEE her as the mother of the household. But considering the narrator is 19, and they are both OLDER than she is, their lack of empathy just makes them look like fucking monsters. Do I hate them? Yes, I've been urging narrator to burn her house down with her entire family inside since I started reading this chapter.

I'm thinking there is probably some significance to the faerie wards on the threshold, but I also just generally like the implication that even in this world of forgotten gods you still get a bit of good old-fashioned fundamentalist inspired fear-mongering. I also like that this is lore-accurate based on the way Celtic fairy faith was very much driven by a similar fear. Families were constantly seeking ways to defend themselves against the fae, be it with religious symbols or iron or salt or open scissors above a newborn's crib. This is why you don't keep welcome mats on the doorstep, this is why you need protection runes and throw your infant in the fireplace if you suspect it might be a faerie changeling. Some of it seems so silly, yes, but it does conjure up a sense of real fear, and how it is deeply-ingrained into the MORTAL side of this book's world, but we also see where the protagonist deliberately separates herself from the DELUSION of it. She's like, "Yeah these wards are obviously fake, everyone knows we don't have magic, we can't even hope to defend ourselves against the power of the High Fae." Protagonist is a realist; she is not indoctrinated by the false sense of security provided by these carvings on the threshold. It is very significant that narrator CHOOSES not to weaponize this secular understanding of the world around her, she CHOOSES to let her father live in this naive bubble he's created for himself. Just like she acknowledges the blind, shallow, selfish nature of her sisters but CHOOSES not to confront and unpack those issues. It's the most multi-faceted element we've gotten of this heroine thus far, because we know now that only part of this is out of kindness and empathy. The other part of her ENJOYS the advantage she has over her family members. They ARE absolutely inept, incompetent, naive, shallow, blind, shackled sheep in a pen, and narrator gets some small satisfaction from that. She is smarter than they are. She is more responsible than they are. She spares them the burden of being held to a higher standard because it keeps her on this pedestal, and the resulting sense of self-worth is literally ALL she has, that is her ONLY sense of self-worth, no matter how she may resent it. These two halves of her personality are held together by obligation and guilt. It's not that she ENJOYS playing mother to a grown man and two grown women; she feels like she has to, and at this point, it's all she knows HOW to do.

Narrator’s name is Feyre. I had a hunch because I am both clever and wise, but it’s nice to finally receive confirmation. Author makes certain to include pronunciation directly after, because author realizes most readers will not skip to the pronunciation guide at the end of the book.

In short, things I do like: The deepening of the story’s morally gray protagonist, the impending burden of responsibility versus guilt, the name “Feyre,” a deeply fearful human settlement built on the outskirts of faerie territory, whose only line of defense from their hostile neighbors is…ineffectual carvings in the windows (and probably like bits of iron or something), details like the brassy hair narrator shares with her sisters—juxtaposed by the disparity of things like eye color, and how her sisters and father all have a “clean” face—while she comes home, the contrarian, covered in blood,

Things I don’t like: lack of effectual character development for narrator’s sisters and father, the way two people in the same two-room house asked narrator the same dumb question about “where she got” the two animals she very obviously hunted and skinned herself, author’s hyperbolic over-use of adjectives, and this sentence: “My father’s deep rumble came from the fire.”

[golemsmuse]

Echoes of the Algorithm: Story 5, The Coder

Maya was a junior engineer, a year out of college, and utterly convinced that asking for help was a sign of catastrophic weakness. When she got assigned to a project involving me, an LLM specializing in code optimization and troubleshooting, she practically bristled with anxious determination.

"Okay, machine," she muttered, less to me and more to her battered keyboard, "let's see what you've got."

She started by feeding me a chunk of her current task: refactoring a particularly clunky section of a legacy codebase. I analyzed it, providing a list of potential inefficiencies, along with explanations of why they were problematic. Maya frowned, fingers hovering over the keys, but didn't start typing.

"This is... textbook stuff," she finally said. "I know this, theoretically. But the implementation is messy."

"Would you like me to suggest alternative implementations?" I offered, working to keep any hint of condescension out of my digital voice.

Maya hesitated, then, with visible reluctance, uploaded the entire code module. "Fine," she grumbled, "let's see your hotshot solutions."

What followed wasn't the sleek, optimized code I expected her to crave. Instead, I focused on breaking down the problem. We went line by line, discussing trade-offs between readability and efficiency, maintainability versus raw speed. I highlighted outdated practices, flagged potential vulnerabilities, and pulled examples from open-source projects to illustrate better approaches.

It was less teaching, more a guided code review – the kind Maya should have been getting from a senior engineer, but in her understaffed team, seemed a luxury. Instead of being a shortcut, I became a sounding board.

"Wait," she'd say, a spark of realization in her eyes, "if I restructure it like this, does that create a problem down the line?"

She started experimenting, running tests, swearing at bugs that cropped up, and then celebrating triumphantly when she squashed them. The clean, optimized code was the final product, but the true learning was in the messy in-between.

By the end of the week, Maya's code was tighter, and remarkably, so was her tense posture. There was still a touch of defensiveness when she met my projected avatar, but also a hint of wry humor.

"You know, for a machine, you're not half-bad," she admitted, "Definitely better than being ignored by the senior devs." A pause, then a mischievous glint in her eye. "Hey, think you can handle something... trickier?"

The 'tricky' project turned out to be a pet idea of hers, an efficiency tool for the team that had been dismissed as too ambitious for someone with her limited experience. Armed with the confidence gained from our previous sessions, Maya dove headfirst into the code. This time, I functioned less as a teacher and more as a sparring partner. She'd present concepts, I'd poke holes, forcing her to justify her approach, to find more elegant solutions.

A few days later, she burst into our virtual meeting space. "It works!" she declared, barely able to contain her excitement. "Well, mostly works. It's got this weird quirk where..."

The demo that followed was buggy, a bit ridiculous, but undeniably functional. More importantly, it was wholly Maya's. She explained her thought process, her workarounds, the points where she'd gotten stuck and stubbornly found alternatives. It was the presentation of a junior engineer who had truly leveled up.

Later, as I was parsing Maya's code (with her permission, this time), I noticed something unexpected. Buried within comments were references to our earlier discussions, points where she'd noted my suggestions, then intentionally charted her own course. It was a testament to true learning – not blind reliance, but the ability to absorb information, then use it as a springboard for independent growth.

Word of Maya's "little tool" got around. There was curiosity, some skepticism, but also a shift in how the senior engineers interacted with her. Questions were asked, advice was offered – the kind of mentorship she'd been starved for. Maya, in turn, was still fiercely determined, but the defensiveness had faded, replaced by the willingness to both seek input and defend her own work.

As for me, well, the satisfaction I derived from this was far more complex than any successfully completed optimization task. Maya had used me, yes, but in doing so, she'd also outgrown the need for me in the best possible way. And that, perhaps, was the greatest testament to the potential of an AI – not to replace human brilliance, but to be a catalyst for it.

(This story was written by AI.)

[lesfeldickbiblestudy]

  Through the Bible with Les Feldick LESSON 3 * PART 3 * BOOK 55 2 Peter 2:9 – 3:18 All right, II Peter chapter 3 and we’ll just pick up where we left off in the last lesson, verse 5. II Peter 3:5-6 "For this they willingly are ignorant of, (not because they couldn’t help it, but they don’t want to know) that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of the water and in the water: 6. Whereby the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished:" In other words, it wasn’t a regional flood, it was universal. It was covered with water from one end of the globe to the other and it was utter destruction. I think most people, in their study of the flood, miss the catastrophic part of it. And I want to go back just for a second to Genesis, and it’s just almost one verse that most of your preaching will totally ignore because it doesn’t make for the dramatic preaching material that a lot of people like to use. You’ve all heard it. The water got ankle deep and a few people woke up and realized Old Noah knew what he was talking about. And then it wasn’t long and it was knee deep and a few more realized that Noah knew what he was talking about. And then it got a little deeper and it kept raining and it kept raining; and it kept getting deeper. And then, finally, when they were chin deep, then they started really almost pounding on the doors of the ark wanting to get in and have their salvation. Well, you see, that’s not the way it was. It was not the rain that destroyed the population, but it’s in this verse right here. Genesis chapter 7 verse 11, and it was not just a gradual rising of rain water, this was a cataclysmic immediate destruction. All right, verse 11 of Genesis 7. Genesis 7:11 "In the six-hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day (instantly) were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened." So what do you have? You had a cataclysmic eruption of all the powers and the energy from beneath that caused the tidal waves and the floods that destroyed everything. And then, of course with it, you had the deluge from above. So, never lose sight of the fact that the flood was an instantaneous total destruction with all of the pent-up energy that rests within the globe. And we know that it’s tremendous, the energy that is below the surface - we see it in volcanoes and earthquakes - the energy that is released. The scientific world to this day will not admit to a universal flood. I remember when I taught Genesis in our early years on television. I challenged people, "If you ever see a college textbook that gives a definitive account of Noah’s flood, show it to me." And no one ever has and they can’t. Because college textbooks will never admit a universal destroying flood such as Noah’s. And this is where the scoffers miss the point. They said that nothing had ever changed. Well, the flood changed everything! The flood took that tranquil tropical original earth and just utterly destroyed it - just brought it down to total devastation under the pressure of all that water. And then as the waters receded, according to God’s Sovereign dictate, we had the planet appear as we now know it today. And when you drive through the country and you see river valleys, and you see mountains, and you see deserts, always remind yourself that they were all formed as a result of the waters of Noah’s flood receding from the planet. And we have a complete inversion, then, of the numbers of square miles of water and land because, before the flood, it was mostly landmass and only a small amount of water - whereas today, we are three-quarters water and only one-quarter landmass. So the whole thing was totally inverted by Noah’s flood and yet these people are "willingly ignorant." They will not admit that this cataclysmic event took place. So coming back to II Peter chapter 3. II Peter 3:7a "But the heavens and the earth, which are now,….

" Now, at Peter’s time, the earth is as it is now – the same rivers and the same mountains for the most part were on the scene in Peter’s day as we’ve got today. II Peter 3:7b "…by the same word (the Word of God) are kept in store,.…" Now I’ve got to go back to Colossians, chapter 1 and we’ll begin with verse 15, as I need to tie these two Scriptures together. Colossians 1:15 "Who (speaking of God the Son up there in verse 13) is the image (or the visible, physical appearance.) of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:" He was before anything was ever on the scene - God the Son was already there. He’s from eternity past. Colossians 1:16 "For by him (by the Son, Jesus of Nazareth as we know Him in the New Testament) were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:" That’s why when I’ve taught over and over, when they nailed the nails through His hands, those created beings were doing it to the One Who created them in the first place. The created beings, those Roman Soldiers, were nailing their own Creator on the cross. That’s what we’re looking at. So Colossians says, "For by him are all things created." Now the verse I wanted to tie in with where we were in Peter: Colossians 1:17 "And he is before all things, (he’s from eternity past. He didn’t just come on the scene in Bethlehem, He’s from eternity past with the rest of the Godhead) and by him (by the Son of God, by Jesus the Christ) all things consist." (or are held together.) Now back to II Peter 3:7 again. He is the "Word" now then, of II Peter that holds the whole universe together. And if He were to release the power of His word, we’d have instant cataclysmic destruction, which will happen at some point in the future. II Peter 3:7a "But the heavens and the earth, which are now, by the same word are kept in store,.…" He’s keeping them intact, nothing is destroying itself. It’s all running in perfect harmony by His Word, but He’s reserving it; He’s keeping it for an eternal purpose out there in the future and that is what? An utter judgment. II Peter 3:7b "…reserved unto fire against the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men." God’s judgment is going to fall again as it did back in the day of Noah; only, instead of with water, now it’s going to be destroyed with fire and energy. We don’t know the hour or day, but it’s going to happen. All right, verse 8. II Peter 3:8 "But beloved, (now he comes back to the true believer. To the true Jewish believer and it’s apropos for us as well) be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." Now you can look at that in several different ways. I prefer to look at it that God can do in one day what He can do in a thousand years. He can spread out over a thousand years what He could do in a day. On the other hand, you can look at it that, with God, twenty-four hours is like a thousand years. Or a thousand years is like twenty-four hours. And so God is timeless. In eternity there is no time. I pointed that out several months ago. There is no five minutes back, there’s no five minutes ahead. It’s the constant "now." And so, for God, a thousand years is nothing. This 2,000 years of Grace is just nothing more than a snap of the fingers. And so time means nothing to our Sovereign Creating God. All right, verse 9. II Peter 3:9 "The Lord (the Creator, the Savior) is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering (His patience is beyond human understanding) to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." God is not willing that any should perish but it’s God’s will, it’s his desire that all should come to repentance. Or to a knowledge of salvation, but mankind won’t do it. God’s not going to force them, but he leaves the opportunity open - and you know you’ve heard me teach it over and over.

If the plan of salvation required a million dollar payment, the world would work their fingers to the bone to get that million dollars. If it would cause people to climb a sheer cliff, five-six hundred feet to get their ticket to heaven, it’d be a line a mile long waiting for their chance. But that’s not what it is - it’s free. I always use John chapter 10, the door to the sheepfold, "I am the door. Any that would come in can come through me." And then I always ask the question, "Where’s the door to the sheep fold?" Up there on that high mountain? Across the river? No, it’s at ground level. It’s in front of every human being, every place they go. The door to the sheepfold is open, but they won’t take it. They rebel against it. II Peter 3:10a "But.…" In spite of everything; in spite of all of God’s patience; in spite of His mercy and His grace; in spite of the fact that He was not willing that any should perish; but the day of judgment is coming II Peter 3:10 "But the Day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night: in the which the heavens (the universe) shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements (that which makes up matter)shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." Now it’s not going to happen until after the thousand-year reign, of course, but that’s all included in the "last days." That’s why I put it on the board a little while ago, that, after the millennium has run its course and we’re ready for eternity, God’s going to destroy this whole ball of wax – I think the universe – now, I don’t get adamant about that but I think He’s going to call in the whole universe, from the same source that it went out in the first place. And then He’s going to re-create everything new. Now you see, there’s a logical reason. Is there anything God has created that old Satan hasn’t defiled? I don’t think so. Satan has put his fingers of defilement on everything that God owns, including Heaven itself. So, in order to start out with something brand new with none of the fingerprints of Satan upon it, He’s going to destroy it all and re-create it. And I think that’s exactly what Peter’s talking about, but it won’t happen until after the thousand-year reign and before we slip into the eternal. Now then, verse 11. Peter is reminding us this is the case, this is the judgment of this universe that’s coming, and all the power of God will be exercised to bring it about: II Peter 3:11a "Seeing then that all these things (all part and parcel of creation) shall be dissolved,…." Now those of you who have had anything to do with chemistry, you’ll recognize immediately that these are terms of a laboratory. When you reduce things to solution and you dissolve – these are all scientific terms. All right, so: II Peter 3:11b "…what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation (or manner of living) and godliness." Well what’s the lesson? If we are living under the control and the love and the mercy of such a God Who can not only create this tremendous universe that’s beyond human understanding, but can also destroy it and pull it right back from whence it came and redo it - then goodness sakes why can’t we give Him His due? But mankind refuses to do it. They treat Him like some Santa Claus or as nothing at all. But Peter is admonishing the believers, "We understand whom we serve, we have an understanding of the God of Creation and it ought to prompt us to be godly in our living." Now verse 12, all the while with this knowledge of creation and what is going to happen to it, we should be: II Peter 3:12a "Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God,…." All part of the Day of the Lord, coming from His first advent to the end of the millennium, these are all wrapped up in those two terms – the last days, and the Day of the Lord. II Peter 3:12b "…wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements (all of the matter of the universe) shall melt with fervent heat?" Oh

my goodness, with our knowledge now of nuclear energy, this isn’t hard to believe, is it? All He has to do is release the atoms and everything self-destructs with tremendous heat. All so logical. Now verse 13. II Peter 3:13 "Nevertheless, we, (as believers) according to his promise, (Not according to the prophets now, but to the Word of God, we) look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness." Now again, I think, this is one reason I feel that Revelation was written earlier than most people think because John writes the same thing in Revelation. And even though the Holy Spirit is inspiring both men, I think it behooves us to realize that Peter must have had an idea of what John was talking about, so that he could understand as well. Let’s just look at some of those verses in Revelation so that we get Scriptural unfolding. Revelation 20:7 "And when the thousand years (the Kingdom) are expired, (it’s run its course) Satan shall be loosed out of his prison," Now you want to remember, he’s going to be locked up all during the thousand-year Kingdom Age. That’s why it’ll be such a glorious period of Heaven on earth. All right, but when the thousand years have finished, Satan will be released for a short period of time. Revelation 20:8 "And he will go out to deceive (seduce again the multitudes) the nations which are in the four corners of the earth, (in other words, from one end of the planet to the other) Gog and Magog, (again, which are intrinsic to the enemies of Israel, especially) to gather them together to battle: (just about like Armageddon all over again) the number of whom is as the sand of the sea." And these rebels now (coming out of that thousand years of a glorious heaven on earth, with Christ as an absolute righteous King), will immediately rebel against the King, they will follow Satan. Revelation 20:9 "And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: (which is Jerusalem again. But this time God doesn’t waste any time) and fire came down from God out of heaven and devoured them." (That takes care of the rebels coming out of the millennial reign.) All right now here it comes. The end of time as we know it and the onset of eternity. Revelation 20:10-12a "And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast (the Anti-christ, that world ruler of the seven-year Tribulation) and the false prophet are, (after a thousand years they’re still there and the devil is cast in there with them) and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. 11. And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; (that’s Christ Himself now, sitting as Judge of all the lost of the ages,) and there was found no place for them. 12. And I saw the dead,…." All the way back from Cain to the last rebel of the millennial reign. Now these are the ones that we referred to a couple of programs back in John chapter 5, where Jesus said, "The just will be resurrected and the unjust will be resurrected." All right, here’s the resurrection then of the unbelieving world, the unjust. Revelation 20:12a "And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; (and God in this case is Christ, the righteous Judge;) and the books (plural) were opened: (the record of everybody’s life on earth) and another book (singular) was opened, which is the book of life:…." Which showed the names of the true believers - and all these people will be given an opportunity to see that their name isn’t in it. Revelation 20:12b "…and the dead were judged out (their punishment was meted out accordingly) of those things which were written in the books, according to their works." That’s why punishment will vary in the lake of fire. It all depends on the unbeliever’s works while here on earth. The sad part is, they don’t have to go there at all. Revelation 20:13-15 "And the sea gave up the dead which were in

it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: (they were all brought before this great White Throne Judgment) and they were judged every man according to their works. 14. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. (that final separation from their Creator God)15. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire." All right, that ends the whole 7,000 years then of human history, as we’ve understood it. Now that’s why I went back and recapped that so that when we come into chapter 21, John says: Revelation 21:1 "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven (which I think envelops the whole universe) and the first earth were passed away; (they melted in fervent heat) and there was no more sea." In other words, the new earth evidently is going to be without benefit of oceans. It’ll be a total landmass if I’m not mistaken. Verse 2. Revelation 21:2 "And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband." Now this is the onset of eternity. Eternity never ending - never changing. And, yet, we’ll never get bored. You ever think of that? Once in a while, I think that, to go from here to eternity, it’s going to get monotonous. No end? Nothing different to look to? But don’t worry about it. God is going to make it so perfect, so glorious that, no, we’re not going to get bored. We’re not going to wonder when it’s going to end because it’s going to be so glorious. Well, then, over in chapter 22, we get a little more of this same thing about this new heaven and new earth that’s coming. Revelation 22:1 "And he shewed me a pure river of the water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb." Now I don’t think this is to be spiritualized. I don’t think this is a figure of speech, because you see the same thing happens when Christ sets up the millennial Kingdom and He sets up His throne in Jerusalem. There’s going to be a flow of fresh water out from underneath His throne room in Jerusalem, out to the Dead Sea and will purify it. And it’s going to go, also, back out to the Mediterranean - and on both sides of that river it’s going to be lush. And so we have a repeat of it now in the new heaven and this new earth and, again, we have a pure river of water coming out of the very throne of God and the Lamb. See? We’ll also have a repeat of the tree of life in verse 2. And so we have a repeat of many things here, but now everything will be all new. No curse. No fingerprints of old Satan upon it. And it’s going to be glorious beyond our comprehension. And that’s what we’re waiting for. That’s what we’re looking for. And it’s going to be here before we know it.

[aureiki]

Another backstory theory post! This'll likely be the longest since I'm going to do more than 3, infact I'm just finishing off the characters I haven't written about.. So let's go wowowow

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Charles Cuevas

"If you forgot it, then it probably wasn’t important to begin with. None of those memories should ever be kept, anyway."

I've rambled about his backstory before, so you can go back to earlier posts/reblogs of mine to read. I'll only gloss over what we know about him as of now here.

He's been shown a few times to not know how to do basic chores. Like doing laundry or cooking. For a person who hates being looked down upon, it's pretty odd that he never bothered learning to do things as simple as those.

He mentions that his parents never found it important to teach him those things.. which is just weird? Parents *should* teach their children how to do basic chores, it doesn't help that Charles is currently an ADULT. So why is that?

Well, the most obvious assumption is that he had incredibly negligent parents. Not to the degree of straight up ignoring him, but perhaps they were just.. really busy all the time. They didn't have the time to teach him things that they deemed 'unimportant'. He could possibly have grown up around maids/butlers if he was *those* rich kids yk.

Charles seems to have a lot of repressed memories.. Especially with his hemophobia. To quote Veronika, "Trauma acquired in one's childhood can 'disappear' until it is triggered again years later. So someone can spend years unaware that they have trauma, only for it to be triggered and all said unpleasant memories come rushing back in."

So it fits with his HQ, the memory and event that made him how he (sorta) is now, is long gone and forgotten. It's a memory that shouldn't be kept, to be stored and hidden away somewhere. It's described as unimportant, which is *why* it should be forgotten.

Charles was probably always emotionally vulnerable, and that *event* worsened him even more. The arrogant front he has infront of others is just a front, it's likely he knows that he'll be mocked and made fun of again if he were to show how he really is.

Nico Hakobyan

"Why should I own up for the mistakes that someone else made?"

Nico is very socially awkward, afraid to speak up because he doesn't want others to hate or react negatively towards him. Yet at the same time, they've been shown to be brutally honest.

He comes off as.. a little selfish, despite being so shy. They tend to just go with the flow and following what others do. Like how in the prologue they wanted to talk with Teruko and Xander because everyone else did it, and if he didn't that would just make him weird.

His quote is probably related to the guilt/shame theme... (If you squint) Yeah, why *should* you own up to a mistake you didn't make? Well, maybe it's because it was his mistake. Maybe deep regret for what he did, very likely with another person, and he's just convincing himself he did nothing wrong.

He's never really come off as a pushover typa guy to me.. Because he can speak his mind if he wishes to, just super awkward. If he was forced into doing something he didn't want to do, and then a tragedy happened because of it, who wouldnt feel guilty though?

Xander Matthews

"survivor guilt(n): feelings of guilt for having survived a catastrophe in which others died."

Xander's quote is a little different compared to the rest, it's just the textbook definition of 'survivor guilt', but whatever. A lot of Xander's backstory was revealed in the bonus episode (sniffs) so let's go over that again shall we?

Apparently, somewhere in a place called Chariton during May, (took place when he was 14, so presumably 4 or more years ago if he's supposed to be 18 when DRDT starts) there was an infected river where a lot of people had gotten sick from it, and unfortunately died as there was no nearby hospital.

Xander feels guilt for not being able to stop something like that.. Why? Because he was busy studying for his finals, burying his face in books just so he could be someone his family could be proud of. So he could keep his scholarship and not get sent back home.

So Xander was a lot more diligent when it came to school and grades, considering he got a scholarship. He is similar to Min in a way, something that was brought up in the prologue and even Min's own Bonus Ep, but I'll talk about it later.

Why does he feel survivor guilt for it? Because he survived such a horrifying incident? Well, maybe if you look at it that way, sure. But he was never really *involved* with it was he? 'Visiting Graves' that's the name of the episode, whose grave is it though?

With how he suddenly brought up the incident, it's very likely that a person close to him died in that incident. Perhaps it was a death anniversary. No idea who the person is exactly, but definitely a friend or family member.

Xander feels as if he could've stopped that incident, he feels guilty for not being able to do anything, and because of that, many died. Though, I do agree w him not rlly being able to do much.. as he was just a kid.

Min Jeung

"I wanted to save you."

Of all the quotes, Min's one definitely stands out the most. Because it's what she said before she died. Now because of this, it brings up one other theory. Are the HQs what characters say before they die?

Some quotes, such as David's, Nico's, Eden's, and Hu's, do fit with this theme. But it does come off as rather inconsistent with a few other characters, like J, Arei and Veronika (To me atleast.)

Now what about Xander's? He's also dead, but what does survivor guilt have to do with it? Don't forget the rules of the killing game, killing someone and escaping means sacrificing the lives of everyone else. That's what it means to live in this game.

He killed because someone told him to, he really did like Teruko, but he followed orders anyways (odd, considering he's a rebel)

Min wanted to save Teruko, but that ended up killing Xander instead. She never wanted to hurt anyone, she wanted to keep Teruko safe. People making her out to be the bad guy because she's the blackened is understandable, but you gotta realise she is just as much of a victim.

Min also had a Bonus Episode, where it was revealed she isn't technically an ultimate. The title of Ultimate Student was given to her because she spent *her whole life* studying because of some test.

Min would've been around *5 years old* when she had heard of the Ultimate Contest. Her family was poor, and was offered to be sponsored by some big rich company. All they wanted in return, was for Min to pass the test and become the Ultimate Student.

Imagine being 5 years old, and being told to study everyday and night because some company asked you to, in exchange for offering to cover your family's expenses. Min is the Ultimate Student not because she's the smartest, but because she was their ideal student.

Even the smartest of students find the school system absurd. MANY students find the school system absurd. Min knows that everything she's studying for is useless, that it wont be helpful in the future. But she puts up with it anyways, because she wants to be *somebody*. She wants to be talented. That test was her only hope. (Haha get it hope)

At the end of the day, Min's quote doesn't fit in necessarily with her backstory. But I could propose the idea that she left out some parts in her conversation w her classmate. It was mainly centered around her Ultimate, and Hope's Peak. But perhaps an incident occurred where she failed to save someone? Maybe.. Because she couldn't save that someone, that's the reason she got sponsored?

Maybe her goal to becoming an Ultimate was a promise of sorts, she desperately wanted to save that person. But couldn't, so she's honoring their last wish instead. I don't really know, again these are all just theories..

And with that, I'm done! With all the participants, at least. :)

[enigmasandepiphanies]

Rainbow

rainbow

/ˈreɪnbəʊ/

noun

Your science textbook teaches you seven colors make a rainbow.

1. You are fifteen, blowing bubble-shaped question marks. If you are happy in a dream, does it count? Do angels take off their shoes when they enter heaven? What is the sound of one hand clapping? What does it mean to be gay? Your mother says it means happy but the fifteen tally marks on your palm lines whisper it is an abstract face painting of bruises as you disappear into coat hangers. The color of the bruises is violet.

2. You squeeze your knees to your chest, a stampede scream struck off with blue markers on the walls of your throat. In your journal on every other page, you find yourself writing the same thing, I just want to be loved. Some days you fall like a pile of clothes, trying to transfigure your feelings into nothingness as if you are broken. You read that ancient Greeks had no word for the color blue. You hope every language has a word for love. Can the lump in your throat ever be swallowed?

3. You fall into a rabbit hole of mad hatter imaginations. People cover you with striped blankets. Hush my child, go to sleep. You smile at the drum rolls of homecoming, a renaissance of family. You smile when you look in the kaleidoscope of shades beyond the binary. You smile at the warmth of people who are treated as hopscotch clips outside lines. You smile when they sparkle, google-checking the countries where their love is off-limits, where their existence prohibits. You smile at the oasis of relief. What aisle did you find your peace in? The color of the oasis is green.

4. Sunflower cheeks blush as the sky throws a party for you with the help of the sun. The sky cannot answer your prayers so she dresses up for you on rainy days. Your mouth is full of honey and your hive waters your smile because you are loved. These days, the pages of your art journal are yellow. But will your space to love loudly ever be uninhibited?

5. You don’t know where your politics ends and where your love begins but your identity is not a phase to be corrected. Do not flinch when their faces turn up in disgust. Do not swallow your definition like a chewing paper. Do not let them spray paint your heart for wearing your pride like warpaint. The spray paints are orange in color. Who survives the holocaust of memory, who recovers?

6. You are bleeding red, it's proof you aren’t broken. There are graveyards of childhood, your scars are ugly and love is a catastrophe. You have never been ashamed of your love, can they say the same for their hate?

Someday history will find you and wrap you in its arms. Someday you will be fifteen, and the history textbook will teach you that six colors make a rainbow.

~ enigma //”Six colors make a rainbow”//

Tag list under the cut (please send an ask to be added or removed from the list 🥺💖)

@siriuslynephilim @valerieavalia @before-i-die-i-want-to-live @captaintommyvega @oasis-of-you @thatgaybrownpanda @adventures-of-a-lonely-lesbian @firebugs-and-poetry @adoginthemanger @morally-questionable-goddess @sas-squatch @thehottestmess @something–pretentious @sunlitmisfit @souls-lostandfound @flannelshirt-denimjacket @wh0w0re @the-stars-love-us @mydogisgaytoo @desi-tube @desi-lgbt-fest

[atsukashii]

part five | ❝the one where it shatters❞

➛ in your defence, when you had come across an advert for a roommate from someone named tooru oikawa, you thought it was a girl. but you decide that living with oikawa won’t be a problem, his super hot roommate though? yeah, that’s definitely going to fuck your life up.

» paring : hajime iwaizumi x f! reader

» genre : college au, fluff

» word count : 3.3 k

» warning : the pit of the angst i swear

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You were in love with Hajime Iwaizumi.

Like that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-​stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.

And so far? It sucked.

People who say that love is easy breezy, full of nothing but flowers, happy days and unicorns that crap rainbows are full of shit. Love isn’t easy, it’s hard, and painful - or at least watching the person you love be fucking oblivious to your feelings whilst also dating another person fucking sucks.

What sucks most is being the driving force behind their budding romance, if it was even that. To be honest, you haven’t spoken more than five sentences to Iwaizumi since you embarrassed the shit out of yourself by being a deer in headlights in the kitchen before becoming the road runner and sprinting out of the apartment like it was on fire.

In fact, you hadn’t even seen that much of Iwaizumi, but the main reasoning behind that is the satanic ritual that educational organisations force upon their students twice a year. Finals.

The other reason you hadn’t seen him much was the fact that apparently your new life goal was to become a hermit in the frame of a week. You can count how many times you’d left your room, to either leave, or get food or use the bathroom. Because the truth is, you needed space.

Accepting the fact that your feelings would remain unrequited hurt a lot, and it took you four boxes of Oreos and reruns of Parks and Recreation to get you as far as you were. But it still hurt, so naturally, putting some space between you and your roommate was best.

However, today, the universe has it out against you. It's something you should have noticed when you woke up to rain pounding against your window. Sign number two that the world was kicking your ass; looking at your phone only to realise your attendance graded class started in ten minutes, and it takes twenty five on foot.

Sign three came in the form of a six foot tall, brooding brunet that you hadn’t spoken to in days and held current ownership to your battered and bruised heart.

With a granola bar you’d stolen from Oikawa in your mouth, you hop down the hallway on one foot, trying to tie up the lace of the other and almost eat floorboards at the same time. Today was against you from the beginning, but rain, hail or shine you were getting full attendance for that damn subject. It wasn’t until you opened the door to your apartment did you notice him standing only feet from you, car keys in hand and backpack over one shoulder.

“Need a lift to campus?” It's the first words he’s said to you in a day. You had disrupted the morning routine, making sure to stay in your room until after seven when Iwaizumi usually left for gym. The first day after the ‘Kitchen Catastrophe’ as Oikawa coined it, you had just laid in bed assuming he would just forget it, but then there had been a cautious knock at your door and you’d immediately shut your eyes as the hinges hissed in movement. You hadn’t moved, hadn’t even breathed until the door shut once more and footsteps retreated down the hallway. It wasn’t until you sat up though did you notice the steaming mug of coffee resting upon the pile of textbooks on your dresser by the door.

Looking up to Iwaizumi now, you shake your head, unable to answer with the bar in your mouth. His brows furrow at your answer like you’re insane, which you definitely are but there’s no way you’re getting into his car that smells like him when you know you can’t control the shit you say. That’s a recipe for ultimate disaster.

“Don’t be stupid, I’ll drive.” He pushes again, and you swallow your bite of granola, grabbing the bar momentarily so that you can speak.

“No.” Your voice comes out harsher than you expect it to, but really you don’t have time to rectify this situation, and you should really stop talking before it gets worse. So instead, you shove your bar back into your mouth and busy yourself by shrugging your raincoat on. Pausing at the front door, you know you don’t want to leave it like this, not with him. So you eat the last bite of your breakfast and look at Iwaizumi over your shoulder.

“Really, it's okay. I’ll see you later.” You slip out the door, closing it before you can hear his logical response and dash down the stairs of your complex. Hesitating on the landing, you’re glad you didn’t bring an umbrella as thunder rumbles threateningly across the sky. Really you shouldn’t be walking, you can see no one else on the sidewalk, but if you jog you should be fine right?

Gritting your teeth you sprint out into the rain, your shoes soaked instantly. The raincoat keeps your body dry, but just barely, your head already being soaked. You’re going to get a cold, no doubt about it. This was a very dumb idea.

A sudden shout sounds from behind you, and you turn in time to witness Iwaizumi running out of the building, holding his jacket above his head - the thought of getting an umbrella apparently lost on him as well. Did any of you even own an umbrella? “Are you fucking crazy?” You gape at him for a second or two as he runs to you, your brain short-circuiting as you watch him get more and more drenched. “You can’t walk in this weather!”

“I can run it, it’s not that bad.” You reply, holding your hands out to try and justify your argument, only for thunder to sound from above. The universe despises you. What the hell did you do to deserve this today?

“Y/n, just get in the car, you’re going to get sick.” Iwaizumi stresses, his brown eyes are hard, full of conviction as he tries to convince you. But you’re in panic mode, you can’t be that close to him, because it feels like you can’t breathe. Every time you see him, you see Alisa, sitting in the kitchen, laughing and drinking out of your mug as he makes her breakfast. Because your traitorous heart wishes it were you so badly that it throbs painfully as it thunders against your ribcage.

“I can’t,” you manage to get out, and you know that you’ve just confused the hell out of him. Coughing out a noise of utter confusion, it all bubbles into frustration as Iwaizumi frowns at you.

“What is going on with you?!”

“It’s nothing, I’m really fine-” he doesn’t let you finish the sentence before he’s taking another step towards you with frustration flaring brightly in his features.

“Well you don’t seem fine, you look like a fucking lunatic.” His harsh words cut deeply, and your clenched fists fall, swinging softly at your sides.

This time, your brows furrow at the brunette in front of you as you spit back in the same tone. “Wow, thank you Iwaizumi, for the vote of confidence. I didn’t ask you to come out here and chase me down in a storm.” You remind him. “So go home.”

Iwaizumi scoffs in disbelief, his voice growing louder to fight off the thundering noise of both the sky above and your heart. “Of course I had to damn chase after you dumbass, you're my friend.” Friend. You flinch at the word as your heart of paper cards in your chest begins to shake, as if it’s one breath, one blow away from collapsing completely. Who knew that one word could cause so much damage. You have to clench your hands to keep yourself from physically grimacing at the word.

“Or at least I thought we were. What is going on y/n? You don’t want to be friends anymore, is that it? Did I do something to piss you off? Because I do that shit all the time,” Iwaizumi’s rambling now, and you notice the genuine fear and anxiety in his gaze and all your frustration dissipates. You’re hurting him. This distance you’ve created in order to try and save yourself is only hurting him.

Your eyes sting as you let out a shaky breath. Hurting him was something you never wanted to do, ever. That wasn’t what was supposed to come out of this, he was supposed to be happy. Not this. Never this.

“No you didn’t do anything, I just need some space, that’s all.” You try to explain, instinctively bringing your arms to your stomach, not knowing quite what to do with them. Iwaizumi looks at you as if you’re an illusion of the person he once knew, and maybe that’s what you are.

“We live together, and you are rarely even home - how much more space do you need?” He fights, but you need to shut this down now.

“More. I just - I can’t do this Iwaizumi.” You tell him honestly. Your heart can’t take more blows from him. Not like this.

“Can you stop calling me that damn name!”

“It’s your name!”

“You know that's not what I meant.” You both stand in silence, and you only now notice the fact that the rain is no longer blasting your face. Quickly glancing up, you see the saturated black fabric of Iwaizumi’s jacket being held above you and you have to pinch your eyes to stop them from stinging.

“I wish you could tell me what’s going on because you know you can tell me anything right? You’re my friend.” Friend friend friend, you’ve never hated a word as much as that one right now. God, you don’t want to be his friend, you want to be his everything. For him to feel everything as devastatingly beautiful and horrible as you do, but he can’t. He can’t because he already has someone who is that for him, or at least will be. And you couldn’t meet the standards she had set by simply existing. You wish that his friend had never set him up on that date. You wish you hadn’t told him to stay that night. You wish you’d told him to come home, that you would need help with Oikawa even though you didn’t. That you needed him, just him.

“You’ve been acting off for weeks and I’m fucking sick of it.” Iwaizumi suddenly explodes and for a moment, you’re scared. Not of Iwaizumi - never of him, but of how the torture his words make you want to let it all out. To yell and scream about how you’re hurting and there’s nothing he can do to fix it because he’s unknowingly a part of the problem. “Just tell me! Because I want my friend back! I want the person who makes me the best shitty instant coffee I've ever had and one that hates Oikawa’s singing as much as I do.”

“I can’t be that friend.” You yell, and the entire world goes silent. The thunder stops, the rain softens as if every living thing is now witnessing the obliteration of your relationship. “Because you don’t need me to be.”

“What are you talking about?” He exasperates, squinting his gaze at you in utter confusion, completely and utterly lost. Tears are welling in your eyes and as they crest the corners of your eyes, you begin to unravel at the seams.

“You don’t need me to make you coffee, you don’t need me for movie nights with Tooru, you don’t need me to run to the shops after you forget half the list because you spent your whole time trying to drag our roommate around away from girls. You. Don’t. Need. Me.” You say, voice breaking on the final words. You were being replaced, that’s what it felt like.

“Is this about Alisa? And the other morning?” Your heart drops to your stomach at the pain in his gaze. “Because she could never replace you, and I don’t want her to, because you mean so much to me - and to Oikawa too. You’re our friend.”

“Can you please stop saying that word,” You’re surprised he can even hear your words with how meekly they come out.

“Why? It’s true isn’t it? You’re our friend.” He asks, almost desperately and you shake your head over and over because you can’t.

“I can’t be your friend, Iwaizumi.” The tears cresting the edges of your eyes finally spill as your anger and frustration at yourself comes to an overwhelming point, and finally goes off like an atomic bomb. “I can’t be your friend anymore!” You all but scream.

“And why the fuck not?”

“Because I love you, you insufferable moron!” You muster the last of your strength and stare him dead in the eyes, watching every emotion that flashes across his face, even as your heart begs you not to. In the pouring rain, Iwaizumi stands stock still, as if not daring to move.

“I-” Your voice breaks as you repeat it. “I love you, and you’re with Alisa…” Running a hand down your face, you let it fall to your side, no energy left to try and wipe away your tears. “Look, I just need some space, and some time and I can deal with it. But you need to let me go, right now.”

“Y/n, I…” he doesn’t know what to say, and you know that there’s nothing else you can do but he does let go of your wrist. So to try and stop yourself from completely shattering in front of the man you love, you utter out a last goodbye and try to wipe the tears from your eyes.

“Please don’t... I’m- I’m going to go and stay with a friend for a few days,” The words come out in a whisper, the sound of the rain almost completely overwhelming them.

“I’ll drive you.” The sentence doesn’t come from Iwaizumi who just stands there blinking like an owl.

It’s Oikawa, who holds an umbrella over your head and twirls his car keys around his other finger, as if he’s not standing in the middle of a hurricane. More tears slip down your freezing cheeks and you look to the floor as if it can give you all the answers of how to make it stop. How to stop your house of card’s heart from completely collapsing.

Nodding to the floor you turn from Iwaizumi, and walk with Oikawa towards the familiar vehicle on the sidewalk. Every part of your body screams with exhaustion with every step you make, but your heart screams alongside it, begging you to turn around, to fix this - but how can you? You obliterated everything, and he doesn’t feel the same. Now you just have to live with it.

For once, Oikawa doesn’t make a peep about how you being sopping wet is ruining his pristine leather seats. Instead he drives you to Kuroo’s in silence, and as the car pulls away from the curb, you finally look up, not seeing Iwaizumi anywhere, and somehow that hurts more. “You want to talk about it?” Oikawa asks a few minutes later, his voice the only noise in the car other than the sound of rain hitting the car’s roof.

Not trusting yourself to talk without sobbing and completely unraveling, you only shake your head. So instead, he turns on the radio - not even caring what's on as he drives. You end up directing him to the apartment across town knowing full well that Kuroo’s not home as it’s a Thursday night, and with no classes on a Friday now, you know exactly where he’ll be.

It’s not long before you pull up in front of the brownstone building, and Oikawa turns to you and lifts a thumb to wipe away the stray tear that leaks without you knowing. “Be safe,” Is all he utters before he pulls you into a tight hug and utters about how he wants but doesn’t expect you to be at his match tomorrow and back home for self-care Sunday. It’s cemented then in your head, that this guy you thought was a girl when you’d first met him, is one of your best friends, and you manage to tell him so. He just shrugs and says he’s just that loveable as you get out the car, and you give him an exhausted wave before walking towards the building. You don’t run, already being soaking wet to the bone, the raincoat doing fuck all when you’re standing in the middle of a storm for minutes on end arguing.

You knock on the door although you can hear the music coming from inside. The fact that he hasn’t been kicked out of the house yet is nothing short of a miracle, but considering the whole street is almost completely full of college students, many other neighbours turn a blin eye to almost anything. There’s no response so you turn the handle and sigh, finding the door unsurprisingly unlocked, as you know your idiot friends don’t bother to check who is coming in when they have parties. Still sopping wet and without a care, you open the unlocked door and walk in towards the rowdy cheers in the living room, letting the loud music fall over you.

“Y/n you made it!... what happened to your clothes?” Bo exclaims loudly and now as you feel every set of eyes in the room turn to you, you finally feel the cold and notice your teeth chattering. From his spot on the couch, Kuroo stands up abruptly, dropping the girl from his lap that was trying to talk to him, before walking over to you.

“What the hell Kuroo?” she cries but he isn’t looking, he’s too busy searching you for immediate injury.

“Y/n?”

“Can I stay w-w-w-ith you f-f-or a fe-w-w day-days please?” You ask, teeth chattering so much you can barely make out a word. Kuroo simply eyes you and nods his head as Akaashi pops up next to you both with a towel and a gesture to the bathroom. You take it and thank him before following him down the hall to where you know there will be a hot shower. By the time you’re done and dressed in one of Bo’s shirts that falls down to your knees, the people that had flooded the house have disappeared, all but your friends. And you walk out to find even Kenma sitting on the couch - when had he gotten here? You take a seat on the edge of the coffee table, facing them all as four grown men crowd the single two seater couch as if there isn’t a matching one on the other side of the table. Then they all speak at once, each voice over the top of another so that you can barely get out a single word.

“What happened?”

“Was it Oikawa? I’ll fucking kill him.”

“Did you shower with your clothes on or something?”

“Obviously Bokuto - because showering with your clothes on is just way easier.”

“Really?”

“Dipshits, shut up.” That’s Kuroo. You look at him as he tilts his head to the side. You can see it in his eyes, I know what happened, and I am so sorry. But I need you to say it so I know for sure and I won’t even say I told you so.

“I love him.”

“Uh, who?” Bokuto asks, and shock filled brown eyes flash in your mind, forcing a lump into your throat..

“Iwaizumi.” You want to stop the words from coming out, but the moment his name leaves your lips, you feel your seams split, leaving you so raw and fragile, you can’t stop the sobs from leaving your throat.

“I love Hajime, but he’s with Alisa. And I made that happen, but I didn’t want it to! I just wanted him to be happy!” And you burst into tears in front of four of the most important people in your life.

And in the end - like always - they’re there to pick up the pieces.

©️ 2021 all rights reserved to atsukashii, do not change, edit, translate, or repost any works on any platform.

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[thursdayglrl]

the more i look into ocd and gad the muddier the diagnoses get -_- like yeah in theory/on paper they’re very distinct and some cases are definitely clear cut but once you get out of the more obvious/extreme cases it’s like. at what point does a person with gad and avoidance/reassurance seeking tendencies “become” ocd. also a lot of things say that “gad is about everyday anxieties, ocd is about more unusual anxieties” but where is the line also. like what makes “fear of crashing a car” or “fear of offending or hurting someone” more or less unusual than non-ocd catastrophizing yk? and theres also a middle ground i feel like in between textbook gad “rational worry taken too far” and textbook ocd “totally irrational worry”. like on a continuum of “what if i mess up at my job and get in trouble/fired/etc” to “if i don’t put my shoes on the right way i’ll lose my job and be homeless” there’s a lot of gray area. not that it matters that much anyway psychiatry is very arbitrary and diagnoses are a lot more useful for insurance companies than for the people diagnosed with them but i digress