#this is not a haha im such garbage lol situation this is me Knowing im Something but fuck if that brain aint loud

[reynie-muldoons]

"Free of Pointless Commands" liveblog!

It's finally time!! My period's been leaving me feeling like garbage, but I'm on the upswing now. It's time for blorbo from my shows.

As always, spoilers under the cut :)

Before I even start the episode I want it on the record that I read the episode description and the bit about Constance "using her gift". PLEASE let this be the necklace from the book PLEASE I am BEGGING

0:14 I unironically love these recaps

1:08 "car 15" this dude is definitely in cahoots 🥴

1:16 HAHA GET HIM REYNIE

1:34 "your accent insults the nation" LMAO CONSTANCE WHAT

1:40 why are you saying this out loud WHY DO THEY DO THIS SO MUCH

1:52 I like how they call them "the greys", it has a good ring to it lol

1:59 "they'll probably take us back to where mr benedict and number two are" okay valid

2:01 "the same grays who tried to brain sweep me?" OKAY VALID

2:44 I dont know this man's mother but I love her 😂

NOO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE OPENING

Okay I rewound LMAO. In this house we dont skip intros unless they really suck

4:27 why does kate know what non-liquid assets are 😂😂

4:53 if that spyglass is also a kaleidoscope I would actually scream

4:59 "I'll take the whole bucket" buddy that is a price far too high

5:16 baby girl, what's up

5:23 🥺🥺🥺 please dont let that be a necklace from mr b

5:54 I love these girls so much

6:32 "I dont know. I'm hungry." No worries bb we all get hangry

6:36 whaaaat was that face connie girl

6:38 "Constance, what's wrong?" REYNIE NOTICED TOO

6:48 fucking christ how does she know

6:54 shit. SHIT.

7:01 okay it's time for fucking PAIN bc sure he's happy and carefree and will probably eat and sleep better but this is synthetic bullshit that isnt doing anything good for him in the long run and I'm feeling a lot of things about it

7:07 "My." Shut up you pretentious dickhead

7:15 all that flexing can't possibly be compensating for something, can it? Hmmm?

7:26 kiss ass. A kiss ass with a long standing grudge and too much pride.

7:30 "I'm so proud of you" NO

7:34 "...and almost bizarrely happy" okay so he's aware that it's strange

7:46 stop being manipulative challenge (impossible)

8:03 curtain is the sort of guy who very obviously peaked in high school and talks about how much he loved it way too much

8:34 "it's your associate.. she seems to have your ear, and she doesn't strike me as particularly joyful." ohhhhh, so that's his angle. I'm so glad she got out when she did

8:45 "the way I feel now, anything seems possible" this shit is so creepy, like a hivemind

8:53 there's our girl!!!

9:24 "....👌🏼 I'm over-parenting" LMAO IM DEAD

9:42 okay but where did Miss Perumal go

9:51 RHONDA DONT LEAVE HER BEHIND

10:12 "we won't be putting her in a dangerous situation where she wont be able to-" *Miss Perumal rides in on a moped like a badass* YOU WERE SAYING????

10:29 daaamn, she knows her stuff!

10:56 "did you hot wire this? 🧐" "there are things you dont know about me 😐" SGHDJDJD THIS EXCHANGE

11:04 YES Milligan in the sidecar 😂😂😂

11:43 "Constance has the gift" Constance: 😳 please tell me she didnt barter the gift away for their taxi fare

12:29 NO SHE REACHED FOR HER NECK, IT WAS THE NECKLACE

12:38 Awwwwww

12:43 "now, make a wish." "I wish to be free of pointless commands." ROLLLL CREDITS

13:06 AWWW they definitely missed Rhonda's birthday by now then 🥺 the two of them are so sweet. What a funny fucking gift too

13:13 "it will be tough to outdo this, but I enjoy a challenge" have I mentioned I love them

13:15 they are about to saw the cake in half LMAOOOO

13:28 oh my gosh constance backstory. CONSTANCE BACKSTORY.

13:34 "I'm fine." Oh sweetheart, my baby girl, she was so quick to deny but you KNOW bbg is messed up about it

13:47 "this is my home. I'm fine." brb sobbing

14:06 NOOOO 😭😭

14:10 AWW ITS A SEASHELL

14:17 AND IT HAS A PEAAAARL

14:44 "Kate would fall apart without her bucket" true

15:07 two things:

1. There's another one now???

2. Neither of them are smiling anymore

Okay I lied three things, 3. J&J are doing this in secret, without Curtain knowing. J&J redemption arc????

15:29 "I dont see the problem" then congratulations on being blind

15:44 there you go jill!!!

15:52 "is he currently in a good mood?" LMAO DUDE

16:12 "just... find them a doctor" good fucking luck with that

16:28 "every time. Unwanted tomato." I sympathize, I also do not like tomatoes on my sandwiches

16:29 well that's just wasteful

16:32 LMAO I DIDNT EVEN SEE THEM THERE

17:11 oh my gosh is she about to trade her bucket? The whole thing???

18:07 daaaamn they're so sneaky

18:24 the performance of a lifetime 😂😂😂

18:48 good job but please get out of there while you can

19:16 my love I am so glad you went to the authorities but unfortunately they are the authorities, the justice system fails more people than they dont

19:34 "your claim is nonsensical." "You malign a good man." And there it is.

19:55 "someone's finally at the wheel" THE QUOTE FROM THE FIRST SEASON. 'LIKE NO  ONE'S AT THE WHEEL'. SHDJFHDHJD

20:04 "you sound like someone who could, frankly, use some time in dr curtains program" that's fucking terrifying

20:06 "compulsory or not" that's fucking terrifying

20:27 please I'm begging you call Rhonda

20:28 SHIT I FORGOT THEYRE NOT THERE

20:32 THATS THE ONLY NUMBER SHE HAS FOR THEM, SHIT

20:43 noooo they're out of gas

21:10 the POSE 😂

21:12 AND THE RUN HAHAHAHA. WHY DOES HE RUN LIKE THAT

21:22 they're so confused LMAOOO

21:29 what in the hell is happening here

21:30 oh. Okay 🤪

21:57 he is learning so much from Miss Perumal. I LOVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP SO MUCH

22:40 the pearl can just be taken out of the shell like that? What's kept it from falling out up until now?

22:44 IT IS THE GLOBE AFTER ALL 😭😭😭

22:57 off to Germany then, but that's incredibly vague

23:17 "Curtains men could show up any second" damn right they could

23:21 speak of the devil and he shall appear

23:24 oooh and theres a couple of them now!!! Exciting

23:32 *breath* "I'd like a receipt please" why did that make me laugh

23:38 okay but what the fuck is happening

23:41 "hnnnng what's happening?" GSHAHHAHA MY QUESTION EXACTLY DUDE

23:48 *walking in aimless circles giggling* this is me when I'm drunk

23:53 oh my god she did come back I KNEW SHE WOULD BREAK OUT JUST TO BREAK BACK IN

24:01 poor number two 🥺 she looks so freaked out.

24:01 Someone please give this woman a hug and some anxiety medication

24:11 the pure euphoria in "my brother has pie trucks?? :D"

24:23 "they're ALL cult of Curtain" okay but cult of Curtain is a great way to describe this

24:23 I really hope his cringe isnt for her wording even though I totally know it is WHEN WILL THE OTHER SHOE DROP

24:47 "what's there to smile about" kinda rude but yeah he's literally giggling at her

24:49 HIM TRYING TO BE SERIOUS AND FAILING 💀

24:54 that eye narrow. She knows.

25:01 "and of course our current status" "kidnapped. Status: kidnapped." She is the sole voice of reason

25:05 THAT EYE WIDEN. SHE KNOWS.

25:09 the quiet "oh no" GOOD LORD THE QUIET REALIZATION. There has to be at least one fic that will be written about this scene alone.

25:33 "this incredible newfound joy is not going to influence my ability to do what is right" okay two things:

1. I do not believe you

2. It will stop you if your body shuts the fuck down??? I mean they dont know about that but still

25:39 SHE HAS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS. SHE COULDNT BE MORE STRESSED

26:25 "there's no conventional reason for this, this... vacancy" okay the word vacancy makes it seem one thousand times more sinister holy shit

26:29 oh good lord another one

26:29 also I'm pretty sure this shot is the one from the trailer, we all thought it was that prof from season 1

26:58 "kate, do you have a pen?" "Do I have a pen?" The SASS

27:18 PALINDROME, GERMANY. 10/10.

27:24 her visible disappointment that there is no city specifically named Palindrome has me giggling

27:50 PLAN SHAKE AND BAKE 😂😂

28:00 noooo no no no the adults got there just barely too late. AGAIN.

28:11 at least the kids will actually have tickets this time, it's a lot harder to hide on a train

28:17 watch that be some random passenger with her hair like that

28:24 called it

28:32 okay she looks so precious in that yellow coat. So freaking cute

28:40 NOTHING but air hahahaha

28:43 well shit, the polo team is a problem. It's like I said earlier, it's a lot harder to hide on a train

28:55 oh shit, they arent working with the greys? Or maybe Curtain did plant them and the two parties just dont know each other?

28:58 okay gang maybe stop shoving your faces in the very visible window

29:13 "disgrace to the sport." the pure DISDAIN

29:29 "couple of broken ribs, maybe a dislocated shoulder, but we'd live!" Why do I have the feeling these are injuries someone will attain

29:39 STOP I WAS GOING TO COMMENT ON CONSTANCE AND STICKY'S EXCHANGE BUT I PAUSED ON A GOLDEN SCREENCAP 😂😂😂 HOLD UP

look at that FACE

30:01 she looks like such a gremlin holding the whistle like that 😂

30:06 AWWWW Reynie fell asleep on him 🥺

30:14 what's on your mind bb boy, it's not your shift but you're wide awake

30:22 daaamn. that time of night is that time where it could be super late or super early, depending how you look at it

30:30 "you haven't slept. Why not?" A valid ass question

30:50 "you havent prepared yourself" valid! He needed the rest to be alert enough to keep watch

31:19 oh now he's sleepy. I can relate though- I used to work shifts in that late/early time of night while I was in college, and I would never be able to get to sleep before my shifts, but I would be dead tired while I was supposed to be working. It's a vicious cycle

31:31 okay the fact that it faded out and faded back in so many times makes me think either the rest of them were taken, or that their situation is drastically more dangerous somehow

31:59 NO NO NO NO NO

31:59 WHERE IS SHE. WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY BABY GIRL

32:12 DAMNIT. of COURSE they would end it there.

Part of me thinks that Constance will be in the bathroom or something super mundane, and she'll have some snarky remark about how she can handle herself. Every other part of me is thinking the obvious, implied, and very unfortunate circumstance 🥴

What a fantastic episode. I cant wait to think about it for the next 3 days straight.

[violasmirabiles]

hhhrrygrhjdgj right so this week i had

one

two

three tasks i told my psychologist id take care of by our next session, which is tomorrow

six days i had

ive done

exactly none of those things

did think about them though

like, every minute every hour every day

feeling very very guilty about them too

am like. pretty sure theyll understand because the whole reason im seeing them is, well, This fuck shit. doesnt mean im not feeling Very Bad rn. very much feeling like im getting a bad grade for Life and that i deserve Bad Things and Nothing Good

Then Again:

three people complimented my hair today

apparently i made several people who were various levels of anxious feel better at the uni choir auditions today 

one of those people complimented my spring seminar paper to the skies and we talked about my thesis and just. the writing, the text of it for a good long while cos guess i write good??

wrow

people?? like me??

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

aight aight, real shit; let's say you got the chance to rewrite the entirety of gossip girl exactly how you want. make a brief description of what would happen in each season. (you can decide whether there's a fourth season or not)

oh i LOVE this ask, and i am so flattered to be asked this, haha. i have SO many thoughts, i’ve been thinking about this non-stop, but i’ll try to be as brief as possible. also, disclaimer, i don’t remember all the seasons equally clearly. like i barely remember s2. haha, whoops.

season 1: i love this season as is, for the most part. i think the tone of it was actually very serious and involved? like the show was actively trying not to be frivolous with heavy topics, and the way we were getting to see the characters seemed like they were trying to bring out character depth and the complexities of their lives in very deliberate ways. nate’s whole thing with his parents gets so much focus, and it’s not something the show glorifies, it’s something that is meant to make you uncomfortable and worried for him. 

i would have nate be less of a dudebro, jenny & nate’s friendship being a little more solid, dan being a little more involved in jenny’s problems + helping her find her space, vanessa/nate to happen earlier - after nate breaks up w/ blair and realises she looks happier, i would have him not try and get back with her (lol, dude, the fact that she’s happy after breaking up with you means you probably shouldn’t be dating her.) more exploration of eric’s mental health. more dan and blair friendship. i would keep chair the way it is this season. i would not have a derena breakup - i’d have them take a break after the georgina reveal and get back together during the summer after talking about it and deciding to be more honest & open with each other. and, what the hell, i would have lily not blame serena (???) for being taken advantage of in the whole pete fairman situation. serena wasn’t sober, she was 16, that dude was in his 30s, georgina was taping her w/o her consent. how is any of this serena’s fault??? i hate lily’s reaction so much.

season 2: i... don’t remember enough of this season, sadly. it’s been too long since i watched it. i would majorly change jenny’s arc here, though. eleanor stealing her dress was majorly, majorly fucked up, and i think jenny should’ve done something then and there. also the whole thing with ‘lily is a mother to chuck’.... i would’ve loved it if lily had been like that to jenny. the girl needed it, and lily would’ve actually been able to help jenny establish connections in the professional world and whatnot. i think jenny should’ve transferred out of constance - not necessarily homeschooling maybe, but gone somewhere else. unlike dan, she didn’t even want to get into an ivy, she wanted to make it big as a designer. so. that. 

oh nate my love. i’d get this trainwreck of a boy some therapy. while i hate that the catherine thing happened, things like that do happen all the time, and i’d be interested in sort of handling the aftermath of it in a responsible way. i would not have... a lot of serena’s arc and decisions (from what i can remember) were really random in this season. i’d have her break up with dan at some point. and vanessa would need a new subject for her short film, and she’d choose serena.

nate doesn’t really date anyone, this season. but he and jenny open up to each other abt having gay crushes on people who treat you like shit - jenny’s thing with agnes - nate rescues her when they’re taking those pictures in her flat and let’s say she doesn’t go back to agnes. instead of kissing her, nate talks to her instead, and tells her about carter, tells her about chuck. and jenny talks about her feelings for blair, her feelings for agnes. and both of them sort of go... “it sucks, but all we can do is try not to become the kind of people we hate, right?”

dan pines for nate. majorly. massively. obviously. i think the only person who really notices is blair, and this would lead to new hijinks and shenanigans. also!! i do not want chair in s2. maybe it can go there for a bit but definitely not to the extent in canon. i want blair to have the same moment of being unable to deny her cruelty / needing to be accountable that she did in that ‘age of dissonance’ play. and. this sounds fucky but i want the dan/rachel stuff to stay as it is, and later, in s4, for dan & serena to talk about rachel & ben respectively and be like ‘hey, this was a fucked up thing to happen to us, wasn’t it?’ 

i would also like to get to know blair’s “minions” better as people. i mean. they all seemed hella fascinating to me, and the show’s decision to make them superficial and unidimensional was very depressing.

season 3: hot garbage, throw canon away. when chuck goes away to paris or wherever, let him not come back. goodbye, dude! dan, blair & vanessa friendship at nyu is so, so important to me. also im losing my mind always at how vanessa and serena catch dan on that walk of shame and they’re both like ‘college is a time for experimentation!’ and nobody does anything even slightly bisexual (unless you count that threesome later, which, blah.) a serenessa / date dynamic in college would’ve been great. dan transferring to columbia like blair does and rooming with nate and just, the gayness of it all. dan & blair become really, really close, and d&b&v watch movies + go to art exhibits together and are all SO DAMN PRETENTIOUS. serena finds it sexy, nate finds it terrifying. 

the william stuff would be interesting if he were actually held accountable. like that man has no right being a doctor, and medical malpractice needs to be brought up. and jenny’s whole arc this season makes me so sad. i think it would’ve been interesting if she’d been a ‘queen’ and ruled alongside eric, and just, the two of them forcing people to be nice, sort of like they try to do with people who are mean to nelly in s2 i think it is? but also.. jenny out of constance is very good, and i think i mentioned that earlier, haha, whoops.

season 4 : serenessa breakup, for whatever reason, probably to do with the william fuckery, because i think vanessa would react in similar ways to nate (”serena, i know he’s your dad, but we have to do the right thing” / “it still wasn’t your call to make” / “he’s a certified doctor, serena, a man like that has no right -” / “god vanessa, you really don’t get it, do you?” ). uhhh i would actually... if i had to choose i would honestly go blairnessa >>>>> dair. i love how blair & vanessa can keep each other on their toes and hold each other accountable. like? blair’s classist or racist and dan’s just like, *smiles*. vanessa would actively be like ‘hey, stop that.’ (this is one of the few actual criticisms i have about d/b as a relationship, RIP.) 

(edited to add: yeah, i think blairnessa WOULD be a sustainable relationship, more abt that here! )

yes to the milo arc, but dan gets to keep milo (his friends threaten georgina and go all ‘you made him sign the certificate. don’t make us take you to court’ because i love these morally grey assholes but also because g DID trick dan into thinking milo was his and dan was ready to reshape his whole life around that kid which is more than georgina was willing to do. plus endgame: jack/georgina are not parents i want milo to have.) i would also have more of a rufus & dan fallout over the milo thing. i think rufus would be really nasty about it all tbh.

the dair arc for blair and vanessa! let the juliet stuff happen, but let it be less awful + let it be seen as Bad + let serena get help & not forgive her for it. let serena NOT date ben after, what the hell. i want d&s to talk about their shared feelings for high school teachers and to realise, in retrospect, as adults, that what happened was crossing lines. let blair and vanessa suddenly drop dan and do the movies + galleries stuff on their own. and dan’s like ??? but he’s busy being a parent with nate supporting him. dan’s drama is very much parenting things. there would be some nonsense involving nate’s family pushing back, because ‘we stood by while you dated him, nate, we thought it was a phase. but raising a child with another man? this is unacceptable.’ i would like nate to get disowned by the family, and need to find his own feet. and to get a REAL SHOT AT HAPPINESS away from that terrible environment.

season 5: i want this to be a good serena season. let her find her calling doing creative things. let her and carter travel the world. let her just be whoever she wants to be. let her and vanessa patch their friendship up. let her have an open relationship with carter, let her have a lot of sex with a lot of random people and not feel guilty about it. let her really really blossom. i want more eric! maybe he’s in london with jenny, and she’s working on her fashion stuff, and he’s realising that he really wants to be a counsellor. 

some time-skips, maybe. i really want to see dan’s whole thing of being a parent. sending milo to kindergarten and spending the whole time milo’s gone on edge and anxious about everything that could go wrong, while nate comforts him. let nate try to get a job because he no longer has a trust fund, and navigate everything that comes with that. let vanessa be there for him. why the fuck am i phrasing my sentences like this - can you tell that i studied physics once?? oh well.

blair & vanessa handling a lot of things. vanessa meeting harold!! vanessa’s parents being disapproving of blair, but ruby standing up for her. blair & vanessa planning their future properly. blair & vanessa babysitting milo and talking about kids. 

and there can be drama too, there should always be drama. but i would like wholesome stuff at the centre of it too, you know? the ivy/lola nonsense can go on in the background, i don’t actually care that much. as long as ivy doesn’t go around fucking people’s fathers for no understandable or discernable reason, i don’t really care lkdhlfdkhg. (it was just so inexplicable and so random!)

season 6: uh, i don’t know. this was a bad season for everyone in canon, except chuck. i would throw it all away. i would actually love if we had pre-series rufly instead: every time those two bring up their past together i’m like 👀 because it sounds like a dream. or focus entirely on jenny and eric and their life. i am obsessed with jenny and eric being... sort of queerplatonic, sort of like, best friends. there’s no romance and no sex between them (eric’s canonically gay, and jenny’s a lesbian because i said so) but i think the way jenny and eric are is very, very life partners in a way that isn’t romantic OR sexual. so they’d have a little place together and would support each other. and just. what are they up to now? also. kati, iz, penelope, hazel, nelly... what r they doing now? one of the few things i actually liked about s6 as it was was that nelly was that reporter and that she’d found her people in yale. nelly yuki getting a happy and fulfilling ending and being a successful woman was so good and we actually got a little bit of that. i’d like more of that, for the rest of the girls, you know?

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 4

I cheated and some of my chapter 4 thoughts leaked into the chapter 3 post lol

Mostly about the pretty obvious Garden of Eden metaphor Dirk is for some reason setting up for himself and Rose as Adam and Eve

and I was about to say which begs the question of what the heck role Terezi is supposed to play as but then it’s very obviously as the Snake in the Garden

Terezi is very much just barely holding back some irritation towards how Dirk is treating Rose, but she’s also very intelligent and is aware of How much Dirk sees/knows and controls about their situation, so she’s probably leveraging her powers over Mind as much as possible in order to stay hidden in plain sight from Dirk’s narrative

and she does so in a way that is one of Dirk’s only blindspots - How Mind and other people have an effect in the determination of the Soul/Heart

By acting in a manner and doing things in a way that aligns with his expectations of her, he assumes and pigeonholes her into a type of character and bases his predictions of her behaviors off of that archtype, never expecting her to act outside it, and when he sees her actions and thoughts and desires all align within it, never questions that it might one day change or was different all along. Dirk’s never really been good at reading other people, can’t see without the lens of “how would I do it” blinding him to things he would never think to do, a trap that he keeps falling into with his friends and one he’s probably trying to overcome by becoming Ultimate God Person/combining all perspectives into his own and uncovering blindspots like that

But right now Mind is the darkest thing in is corner still and I think he sort of knows that as well

Terezi walks the crazy wiggled line boundary between their two Souls that defines who each of them is, as expertly as a person on a tightrope, never wavering until she reaches her destination, at which point she’ll leap off of that line and leave Dirk scrambling to try and calculate her next move/who exactly is she/what her goals are, since’s it won’t be following the clearly defined Heart boundary he’s used to drawing his plans by, so she’ll have to choose the perfect moment in order to entice Eve of the Apple of Revelation once more, heck, she might even do that so sneakily that she gets Adam to take a bite as well, since as soon as Rose bites it she’ll have an ally with her against Dirk.

For God created the Serpent originally as well, so thus why did he not imagine it’s betrayal and prevent it before it could have happened? Or else why did he create something he knew was going to betray? Eden was a paradise, so why intentionally create Evil in that paradise?

If Eve corrupted Adam and the Snake corrupted Eve, Who exactly corrupted the first Serpent? That’s something that the bible never goes into really, at least in Genesis, except to say that the Snake was punished for it’s action to forever crawl the earth eating the dust of man’s heel, punishing all snakes, as Adam and Eve’s punishment punished all humans

(Later I think the bible would try to say that the Snake was the Devil all along, but then why punish the Snake and all it’s progeny for it? If it was the Devil’s doing that undid Adam and Eve then why punish them for the Devil’s actions they would have no way of guarding against or now way of knowing it was a lie? Was it not God’s failure? The Walls of the Garden of Eden were supposed to protect his perfect creation afterall)

Gotta say though I really Rose’s design

I would call her Evil Rose, but she things she does she does in ignorance, not really out of evil, it would be like calling Eve evil for listening to the Snake when she was purposefully blinded to it’s intentions by her creation by God.

Once again we get this idea of Knowledge and Choice affecting eachother, Well I say again but really I’ve been watching RWBY a lot lately and the idea that you can’t make a real choice without real knowledge comes up a lot in it’s mythos and it is really applicable here

Terezi’s design as well is incorporating a lot more Red, she really dug those red shoes aesthetic but gave it her own twist, she’s got a red tie, her ever present red cane and glasses and even in that shot of her her horns look more red and solid as well, even though i know it’s just the lighting

So really digging the whole Terezi is the Apple/Snake in the Garden metaphor, she has also been having that tendency to just snack on random plants, intentionally for her own or Dirk’s unaware benefit or not, it’ll make it that much easier to her actions of later betrayal to be seen as “in character and therefore expected and not dangerous” instead of pre-meditated and actually dangerous, to him

And then they start waxing about their various philosophical babble, Dirk seems really determined to also use this to try and figure out that whole problem of how other’s affect the self, he’s trying at least, I think, in his own way. But not for a good reason, not so that he can have a real understanding of that, but because he wants to use it to guard his own self even further

He’s maybe not using Rose here as an equal player, but more like a wall to bounce his own ideas off of and test them, like using a neural learning AI to test ideas or an actual literal wall in a game of table tennis.

Heh, I got a chuckle out of the fact that Dirk’s answer to the Ship of Theseus problem is “why does we even have to remove and replace parts of it, why not keep the original pristine and eternal?”

because it’s funny how avoidant of the problem that answer is, man he really really is uncomfortable with the idea of changing the self in any way

“He's avoiding the question again. It's amazing how one can technically have the maximum amount of metaphysical personal awareness possible, and still not notice these sorts of things. “

SAYS LITERALLY YOU but honestly this is just more fuel to the idea that maybe he can make a genuine connection and understanding with a person if he can recognize how he and her are the same

“It's stuff like this that makes me wonder sometimes whether there's anything about myself that I'm missing. Then I throw that wonder in the garbage can and turn the incinerate setting on.”

but nah he’s still firmly denying that possibility, he’s almost actually equating his trauma of self erosion with the idea that making friends and understanding others changes the self in subtle ways as well

He can’t even stand the thought of his own close friends influencing him to be different in small subtle ways or adjusting his behavior for others because that STILL counts as a change of self that he didn’t authorize or choose. 

Also can’t help but by be reminded of my wacky little fan made Gamma session I made forever ago by them using the name Delta-Detritus and basically be like alright, what if we do SBURB again but BETTER/worse this time?? Which is essentially the thread that most Homestuck fix it fanfiction tends to go towards

Though I am curious now

We got A/Alpha for Alternia which is based of off “Alternate” introducing the trolls as an alternate race to Human Earth

B/Beta for Beforus which is based of off “Before” introducing the planet of trolls that came before the first group

And then Earth C, now, there isn’t a letter C, the third in the greek alphabet is actually Γγ Gamma, (and the fourth is  ΔδDelta)

So I wonder what “name” Earth C really has?

It feels like it should either start with C OR with GA, as Alternia starts with the AL of Alpha, Beforus starts with the BE of Beta and same with Deltritus and Delta

As as “Another for Earth” Gaia isn’t a terrible option all things considered, now you just have to make it sound like a word which describes it’s use to the narrative

It’s is a very split place, having the two timelimes Meat and Candy associated with it, as well it does feel extremely mercurial in nature, being a sort of crosswords between Homestuck and Homesquared proper, and really exists in a place between stories, an ephemeral epilogue of sorts

really a merger of Gaia and Gemini feels the most appropriate here, like Gamini, also the word mini stands out in there as well, knowing that this Planet is sort of on a lesser status compared to the other three since it’s not going to be the birthplace of a session, also has the word Game in it

But then people will wonder why it doesn’t begin with a C since it still is called Earth C so *shrug*  

Honestly C K and G sounds are all very similar in the tongue, so maybe it’s both Camini and Gamini at the same time OH FUCK CA AND GA, ONE HAS CALLIOPE ONE HAS GAMZEE? SHIT IM ONTO SOMETHING (no im not)

I like Camini now better, it comes from a place of Gamma/Gamzee/Game/Gemini but ends up being more about the twinned Ca’s that were used to, Caliborn and Calliope and fits with the establish Earth C theme

So there you go, Earth C’s actual planet name should be Camini 

which also works because: 

Camini

home stove/furnace

smelting/foundry furnace, forge

vent (underground fires)

according to the latin language this word also has multiple meanings and many Irons in the Fire, I think the fandom will appreciate the name haha

Yeah both races are definitely going to both be playing one game of SBURB, despite what Dirk is intending, the pic does make it really clear

There’s something to say how Dirk seems to be represented by Purple and Rose by Orange in this here and then how all of the cave is a backdrop of that same purple.

Look at even the controllers on the machine having purple and orange knobs, even being solely on Dirk’s side of the image

I guess Dirk intends himself to be the force behind Derse, since that’s the force that always “wins” and Rose fitting in her place as the ultimate loser (since of course Dirk will want to win his own game) but also to be like Skaia the force of Prospit

So Dirk intends to be a whisperer like a horrorterror, choosing to manifest his influence that way, while Rose will give visions to her race like Skaia?

makes sense honestly

but again even with the themes of duality, the theme of the trio is bright and center in that piece of ultimately technology, the third influence hidden unseen in the furthest corner behind the curtain of snakelike tubes and wires that Dirk will not expect to interfere, or even have the capability to interfere, Terezi

heck it’s even in the buttons next to the controls being colored red blue and green

there’s so much duality in homestick with destructive red and creative green but then there’s also always been that mercurial breathy blue as the third

God, tell me that doesn’t look like a baby proto horrorterror

I can hear it raging it’s revenge against it’s cruel human creators even as I type

No wonder they become associated with destruction, they know theyre the pawns of two heartless cruel god children playing at life like it was a game

Rose you MUST KNOW how bad this is, it’s not a theoretical discussion anymore, that things exists and is alive and has feelings and you did it to that

and that thing is technically a Dirk too

Is this how Dirk get’s his revelation? Or downfall? As his Heart is unwittingly invaded by the horrified cacophanous screams of his grotesque tortured progeny crying out for his blood?

His end unintentionally ending up as the thing he feared most? Inner self destruction caused by his own sharp and bloody splinters turned and pointed inward, tearing himself apart with the pieces of his own Soul? Caused by his own Hubris?

I will say typing that all out is pretty good

I’m just sad the same will probably happen to Rose too though ): Maybe she’ll make careful more humane species? Something that has the potential to exist and be happy as it’s own creature while Dirk just creates monstrosities forever in conflict with Rose’s race?

They’ll each be the master of their own eventually destinies I suppose but Homestuck seems to have a good track record so far of the Ultimate Female Creator being out to protect the happiness of the children that exist in her creation while the Ultimate Male God just ends up destroying everything in his

[solar-serpent]

Hi! “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” It’s Em♌️! I hope you are well! Fact about me: Im in nursing school! I celebrate Halloween by giving out candy and watching as much Halloween movies as i can lol! Thank you 🎃🌻

Hello, Em. I apologize for the awful quality of the picture, but my camera turns garbage at night, lol. The lighting in my room is terrible. And, thank your for sharing your Halloween traditions with me 😊

🏚️: nine of coins rx, the star, knight of cups, knight of swords, the emperor, five of swords, 10 of coins, acw of wands, and seven of swords.

🎃: Death.

You will soon be single or remain so. There's this thing between you and a guy that is not going nowhere. There is hope left in you but you're feeling terribly insecure as well, like you knew it's coming to an end but you still don't want to let go. I think he has already made his mind and you know how stubborn he is. If you manage somehow to convince him to give it another go, it will sadly be short lived. You must face the facts. The death card implies that this is a change for the better. Let it go, there are new chances ahead. If you stay hooked up on someone, you're steps back from meeting your unconditional lover.

Sorry it was too short. I had a hard time connecting with the energy of this reading. For a moment I thought you would be explaining someone you were interested in anyone else before you left them, but then I said 'nah', haha. Please let me know if anything I said resonate with your current situation or not. I'm willing to repeat the reading for you.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 273 - “Hey so I’m garbage”

“Hey so I’m garbage

I’m talking to someone didn’t know how to bring it up and/or wanted to wait until holidays were over but then I would ruin your damn year already if I wait so fuck it.  I’m sorry, could have handled it way better but I guess that’s just classic ------”

That’s the message I received last night.

That’s the message I received after he apologized 5 weeks ago and said that he handled ending things with us poorly and that I deserved better and even during the years we were together that I deserved better.  “You meant a lot to me, maybe I wasn’t the best at articulating that or showing it but you’re really all I had. A job and you, unfortunately I focused more on the job and im sorry for that” were his actual words.

He also hit me with the “you’re an amazing person... and you deserve someone that will smother you in the affection and attention you deserve.  I’m the one that failed you.”

He said he had a lot of things to work on.

Well he has apparently miraculously fixed all of the issues he had within 5 weeks because he’s dating someone new.  So all of the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t do for or with me-- and the basic boyfriend-in-a-relationship things that he fought against doing constantly- I guess those have magically sorted and he’s ready to move on.

That’s sarcasm and very unlikely- but what’s more realistic is that he intentionally treated me the way he did because he could.  And he continued to do it because he wanted to and he knew I would pretend it was fine.  And he didn’t show me respect throughout most of our relationship, and he’s continuing to treat me like that now as well.  Maybe it made him feel powerful and in charge.  I don’t know.  I’ll never know.  It sounds to me like he lied to me about everything he said in his apology and probably only brought that stuff up because he was talking to someone new and wanted to clear his conscience of whatever microscopic amount of "guilt” he was feeling.

He has done a stupendous job of finding unexpected and creative ways to hurt me, put me down, and make me feel worthless.  But last night took the fucking cake.  No, honestly, that even beat his “It’s not working out. We should move on.” text back in March on Day 1.

“It’s not working out.  We should move on.” after 5 years and 2 months.  In the months leading up to it, there was no Christmas present, no anniversary acknowledgement, no Valentine, and no idea as to why I was hurt by any of that...  Then he blessed me with the breakup initiation via text.

Some people are trash and I get that.  But how did I allow myself to date one of them for 5 years?  Someone close to me told me that I shouldn’t let him control how I’m feeling- but that it made sense that I was feeling this way and that it’s the same way people in abusive relationships still have emotional connections to their abusers and have a hard time getting past things even though they’re in a better situation away from the abuser.  That’s the closest thing I can compare this to.  Don’t get it twisted-- there was never any physical abuse, but emotionally... it’s the worst I’ve ever been treated by anyone.

He’s an asshole, so of course he dropped that on me last night, when he knows I’m still celebrating and enjoying Christmas.  And I was.  In fact, I was enjoying it and not stressed about him at all because we’d been talking again recently and while it wasn’t with the intention of leading into another relationship- it was nice to have that gap in my heart temporarily filled during this time of year.  But he couldn’t wait until January- when nothing of significance was happening, when I’d be able to take my time and process things and work my way through this heartache all over again.  Nope, that fucker made sure that he hit me when and where it would hurt the absolute most.  I suppose at least he didn’t do it right before actual Christmas, and he probably expects me to be grateful to him for that.  Of course.

Last night when I read his messages, my entire body felt like it was on fire and my eyes started to swell up, and that sensation spread across my whole face.  I was with my family so I fought to hold in the tears and sniffles.  I stopped the Christmas movie that I was watching because I don’t want this to be the feeling I associate with it the next time I watch it.  I put on Avengers Endgame because that’s my “make me feel better” movie.  Not sure why- but it usually works, at least a little.  I cried.  I stared at the message and kept opening it to read it over and over again.  I wondered why he wanted to do this to me now.  Weren’t we trying to be civil and remain friends?  Isn’t that what was happening for the last few weeks?  I broke down and let it all out to a friend who was texting me to find out if I wanted to use his account to watch the new Wonder Woman movie.  He was sweet and kind and tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t fix anything.  I texted my best friend, even though I didn’t want to because she’s dealt with a lot lately and I didn’t want to throw a wet towel on her and her family’s happy Christmas break.  But I didn’t know what else to do.  I broke down and cried to my mom.  I tend to avoid talking to her about things that have to do with my ex because she didn’t like him (didn’t like the way he treated me, he was condescending, and he could come off as just being downright rude a lot of the time) but I couldn’t keep it in, no matter how hard I tried.  She brought up a lot of valid points and tried to make me feel better, but despite my ability to understand what she was saying and agree with her on all of it, it still didn’t do much in the way of helping how I was feeling.

I’ve never been so livid in my life.  I’ve never felt so sad and angry and dejected and hurt and hopeless and betrayed all at once and I couldn’t process it; to be honest, I’m still having quite a bit of trouble with it.  I went to sleep around 3am, still watching Endgame.  It didn’t really help but it didn’t hurt.

I laid there for hours, not actively crying, but tears were streaming out of my eyes constantly.  I had to take my hoodie off because the sleeve was soaked through.  I woke up feeling like I’d fallen and hit every part of my body at once, just one huge ache.  I couldn’t eat breakfast.  I ran errands.  We got things done, but for me it felt like 3 hours of anxiety attacks coming and going.  I started to feel anxious and panicked being in stores and around people and it felt like some sort of strange sensory overload that I have never in my life experienced.  I indirectly took it out on my mom a tiny bit without realizing it, and I beat myself up internally for doing that.  I got home and asked my brother to make a post office run for me so I wouldn’t have to go out around people again today.  I haven’t eaten anything in over 24 hours.  I have no desire to.  I need to make myself drink some water because I don’t think I’ve had water all day either.

His message is still sitting there... showing as read but not replied to on Snapchat.  I don’t know what to say or how to reply.  I want to say all of the things I’ve posted on this blog over the last year... I want to yell at him and scream at him and make him understand what he’s done to me for the last year (plus 5) and make him feel some of what I’m feeling. But somehow I feel like that would just give him some strange feeling of satisfaction and he’d be content knowing that he obliterated me and he’s moving along without a second thought.  It’s not fair how this is all unfolding. It hasn’t been fair for the last 6 years and it’s continuing down the same path again and I can’t take it.  I just can’t.

And in reference to the first line of his message.  Garbage doesn’t try to hurt you and ruin as much as it can for you then skip away like, “lol, but fuck it, that’s just classic me, rightttt???  lol haha lollllll”

Speaking of “haha” and “lol”-- I am just this second realizing that his increased usage of emojis and little fillers like “haha” and “lol” were probably things he started doing to change and improve his communication for this new girl he’s talking to, and I just got some of it because that was the default mode he was already in for her.  I fucking hate him so much I don’t even have words... but maybe later tonight I will, and I’ll write another post.

[lavenderferns]

idk why like i am well aware that i am so anxious and nervous and that is usually a constant state for me but i just havent been this bad in such a long time. its just. shameful, really, its shameful the things i do to myself - i feel hot shame when i wake up when i realize the things ive done to myself and have to just throw on a sweater and tights and just put on a mask of a smile despite having to leave class constantly to throw up and harm myself and cry from how anxious and pitiful and awful i feel inside - theres just no way to talk about this in person and idk if i will be able to even word it to my therapist tomorrow just...idk

theres just a lot of things that have happened that have severely slashed my self worth to bits and its hard with bpd knowing if what im feeling is valid or not and? idk. at this point with events in the past i know no one would come in a dire situation i think, not that i would say anything though which is a me issue obviously but just. im not worth that. I know im not. 

i just keep remembering one lady at my fathers funeral and i should be over it by now like its been a year lol. but i just keep remembering her saying “haha i didnt know who was going to go first, you or your dad” and it still fucks with me, it fucks with me so so so so hard and itll pop into my head sometimes and I just have to have a freak out to try and cope because so so so so so so so so so many times it was almost me that “went first” and just. idk. im grateful im alive but its so hard. its so so so hard. i miss my dad and i feel silly for that. its just scary because we were both in bad states and i think about what if we had both went at the same time and i think of my mum and it fucks me up and honestly the one reason why im alive is for my mom. pals and other family members will eventually just move on - i dont think im anyones #1 - that may sound selfish or dumb of me but I honestly think it’s true - I dont think I am a big presence in anyones life.

i just. i wanted to show my dad my own apartment. i wanted my dad to see my graduate university. i wanted to show my dad the ocean. i wanted to show my dad the park. i wanted to show my dad the markets. i know i sound selfish its just so hard - i cant show him these simple things that bring me so much happiness that may have given him some happiness too. i remember the last time i saw him and idk why or how but we exchanged this hug and stare that he had never done with me before - he just held me for way longer he usually did and just squeezed my shoulders so tight and. I just wish i was able to go back in time. i want to tell him so many things. i want to mend so many things with his family. i want him to know that i love him so so much and he is so so loved

 im tired of hospital bracelets im tired of emergency rooms. im tired of throwing up. im tired of passing out from overworking and overthinking.  im tired of being able to act so well that im ok when i REALLY am NOT okay. im tired of trying to explain what and how i feel and for what reason. im tired of feeling like a burden. im tired of feeling like im scum, that i will amount to absolutely nothing. i like to think im this untouchable person but then i just unload my hot garbage here and. idk. again, its shameful in a way 

please dont bring this up to me - i am aware people may be worried about me and that is so so so so so sweet but itll just make me feel more shameful about what im doing and what im feeling

[uselesswarlock]

Super excited! (personal)

((Warning, this is fitness related so if that is your think, keep reading, if not, keep scrolling! lol))

I know I generally don’t post much on the personal side of things, mainly because outside of school, for the past 3-4 years I really havent had much. I am happy to finally be able to say that my situation is finally changing. If you know me in the least bit, you know that I start my Masters in the fall which came with its own challenges, the biggest being financial. Thankfully not only did I get that all covered but I will finally have a “surplus”. Im putting that bad boy in quotes because that literally means I am finally able to replace most of the broke things I have been working with and I will be on the same level as everyone else instead of just trying to make things work that have no business being alive (Im looking at you car).

With all that being said, Im excited to say that Im getting a personal trainer at the end of August , one that I know, one that you can clearly see her results. We have worked together in the past (plus we had a few classes together) so we both know its going to be really good for both of us! Why bother telling tumblr? Because Im rebooting @sareenafitness and I would love to make new fitness friends and share this journey with other like minded people! Its not going to be an easy one, I have to fight with Hashimoto’s, long days, mental and physical exhaustion, and my thesis at the same time. I am going to need all the encouragement I can get and I would love to spread some to others who need it too! 

I will be doing measurement check ins every 2 weeks ( complete with pics), posts I find inspirational, the occasional gross gym pics, gluten free non-dairy recipes (yeah thats what Im working with now, its a blast, let me tell you), and really anything else fitness related that I feel like. I will be keeping with the theme. The only time there will be much personal on there is if it ends up getting in the way of my fitness or if so happens to boost me. 

If that sounds fun, please follow @sareenafitness and if you want more daily stuff add me on snapchat (feldruidsareena). I will post some workouts (not all, my trainer is making my regiment tailored to me) on my snapchat and answer questions there! I will be starting everything when I get my school refund at the end of August. Turns out I need to be able to afford food before I start working out haha 

Thanks for reading all this garbage and I look forward to spreading this love!

[inhalareexhalare]

Identity is Relative

Hey, check this out. Nah nothing out of the ordinary has been happening. I get sad sometimes, I embrace it and deal with it, I pick myself up, I study, I write more rhythmic poetry, I talk to people, I have fun conversations, I have failures, I rest at night, I am hyped with my personal fashion, my love life is getting more colors, peak is busy. I don’t get pissed anymore, just the natural sadness. I just wanted to document this since it’s one of the most important hints to my tendencies.

My conversation with Karu hahah:

Lobo:  

tee hee

Karu:  

Hi

I think ur cute

Lobo:

fdnbgdkf

Karu:

Would you mind going out with me for lunch or dinner some time?

I know a few deliciously cheap places hahaha

Lobo:

dinnah!!!!!!!! of course! Whenever ya and i ar fri kfdgndfjkd

Karu:

Yeah! Maybe we can get to know each other :) I think you're a really cool person

Lobo:

....

who're you? =__=

Karu:

We'll get dinner and see where it goes, yeah? :D

Lobo:

O.o ?! why does this sound so weird

Karu:

Kunyari nilalandi kita haha [Pretending to flirt with you haha]

Lobo:

kadiiiriiiii [diiiisuuustiiiiing]

Karu:

HAHAHAHA wow sir

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA well you obviously aren't but the words take me away but to the garbage bin HAHAH jk

paranoid fucker haha

Karu:

WOW

Lobo:

HAHAHAHA

di lang ako sanay maybe? :((((i dunno would you have talked like that?

[i’m just not used to that maybe?]

Karu:

At least hindi sa Sogo pupunta diba? [At least it’s not headed to SOGO hotel, right?]

I would've to basically most other girls hahaha [as response to “would you have talked that way”]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHA WHAT IF I PREFERRED THAT jk [I meant SOGO]

Karu:

This is the part you skipped actually [meaning this flirting/courting thing]

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAHA I CANT TELL IF I MISSED OUT OR IF IM LUCKY

ill never know now

I'm too used to us being rabbits on each other and i like it

Karu:

HAHAHAHA

We'll never know lol

Lobo:

hahahahahahah XDDDDD

though, if it's introductory, that approach seems reasonable enough

Karu:

I used to do cheesy stuff like play violin and stuff

Lobo:

HAHAHAHHAH OH NO

I feel like id get more paranoid like that. Like maybe im hoping for too much and ill end up walking away like i did cedric

Karu:

I guess now it's flute, but whatever hahaha

Ay hassle boss [meaning, the situation with cedric before sounds like a pain]

Lobo:

FLOOT

HAHAHAHHAHA

I dunno hahaha a simple "it's not like we're getting married" joke instantly turned me off. I never felt butterflies again

Karu:

Well, that's not really that simple a joke, is it?

Lobo:

hahaha well it did imply some things, even as a joke XD it has a taste so bad i had my tongue cut off every time we met after that (being cold was my only way left to tell him im done :<<< i wish i knew more ways to do eet)

Karu:

That's pretty harsh lol

Lobo:

Lobo is sowwy :((( I never hated him though. I just didn't want someone as cool as him going around with such half-assed feelings. I hoped to end it properly and quickly

  Karu:

Quickly: check

Properly: x

Lobo:

Hahahahha that's a flattering checklist

How would you do it? :)

I guess I should've talked to him about it, but yea poor comm skills

Karu:

The same way until I start believing that I've always hated the person HAHAHA

Though I guess I would've mustered up the courage to face the person. I dunno

Lobo:

HAHAHHAHAHUHU Why

Karu:

I usually do, but it always feels like I can't while it's happening hahaha

Lobo:

Habits can make or break us, huh :)

Karu:

I guess it's just like jumping off a cliff into the sea. You sorta just do it

Like the moment you're about to shit your pants in fear, you push it back in and clench everything and just fucking jump

Lobo:

Yeah

Problem is, that idea didn't even cross my mind

I didn't think of verbal communication as an important aspect of life then, and I had zero motivation to consider it 

Karu:

Well hahahaha

Lobo:

I'm glad to be finally interested now.  It seems that I have more nerve than most people to say my mind so this motivation is finally able to exploit that

Karu:

Nice! Gonna be good friends with people! And then gonna live like hermits

But we'll keep a phone that we'll check once a day or something

For Peak stuff hahaha

Or not. Has to halp people

Just gonna disappear for a couple of years

Lobo:

HAHAHAH weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2019-03-13 10:02 Philippines Wednesday

I now know why Ms. Dianne is so easy to talk to and there is rarely dead air with her. She doesn’t just give you stories. She gives you her sense of wonder and excitement and humor in life. 

She can never run out of stories or topics, just because she naturally can’t. The world is too big and too wonderful, and her heart too honest to hold anything back.

(PS I’m getting along better with Ms. Len, Charles, and even aggressive Ms. G now heehee)

2019-03-13 12:07 Philippines Wednesday

.

.

.

.

I never realized that I could express myself through clothing. I never realized that I was capable of using speech to, again, express myself. 

Living alone, I am completely flatly practical when it came to clothing and other habits. But socializing gives me new perspectives. It gives me reason to not be pressured, but rather, feel an innate excitement to express something from out of me. To communicate many things I love.

I was so used to a certain way of living that I just never knew I could express myself in many other ways.

Expression.

Identity truly is just relative.

2019-03-13 16:10 Philippines Wednesday

[swearronchanel]

6.03 aka I’m still crying 2 hrs later

I have no intro, I did this in one watch but had to obviously edit my typing but well yea this episode crushed me. I’m still shook tbh ahh. Read away if you wish

oh shit I’m not ready

SISTER MJ💔💔😭

FREE SISTER MC

ugh omg I can’t, my hearts about to explode about my chest

The Somali mum is so pretty, Nadifa right?

Oh shit she tryna hide the mail

she’s staying we know that

Ahh the cute turner scene ☺️

SHELAGH MY BBY 😭😍 she looks so good & her little behive omg

“Angela and I don’t have a tendency towards hoarding” SAS MASTER FLEX OVER HERE LOVE IT

“I’m no Marie Antoinette, I will not eat cake..” BRB ALREADY CRYING UGH 😰😰

Look at Valarie actually working & being a nurse

oh shit she’s 9months whoops, she ain’t going no where

JFK on the radio!!

Trixie’s tense, I feel

“If we’re all heading for oblivion, we need to be prepared” Fred lol he’s prepared for it all

No more shock treatment yes 😭💔

damn it my chest hurts and I’m emotional

Shelagh’s bump in her uniform 😭💕

PHYLLIS’s FACE WHEN SHE PICKS UP THE DOLL LMAO I LOVE HER

“Very useful fashion features” so precious, are magazines her maternity wardrobe inspo? 😭

LMAO PHYLLIS “I’ve never needed an editorial to instruct me on how to put myself together and I’ve never had any complaints” SHE’s A GEM

LOL @ SHELAGH’s REACTION

Valarie shook

the reality of fgm ..

Sister MC 😰

DOCKERILL AND SISTER MJ OMG I LOVE IT

“How can I be confident your purpose is sincere?” RIGHT SISTER

“I’m very glad to hear it ” PHYLLIS AH, she’s here for it!! I might be too, i have to wait for next week

omg sister MC, she loves her habit 😰💕 why tf did they take it though??!

FREE SISTER MC 😭 YOU DO NOT FALL SHORT LOVE

“How brave for her” and you!😭

PHYLLIS AND TRIXIE >>

“I’m not sure I have the gumption” BBY 💕 you deserve the world!!!

“Failure isn’t fatal, but hesitation can be” Phyllis is so wise & a gift we don’t deserve

Fuck im crying again

WHO STOLE HER BIBLE !!?

ugh fuck Mr Kenley, we don’t like his bedside manner

Patrick doing research so quickly, I’m proud & Phyllis is woke, enlighten us all

VISIT SISTER MC & free her !!!

lol this little girl, stop touching shit

She’s cute though I guess

Ok Val saying the right thing

MY BBY SHELAGH looking adorable💕

TIM HAS A FRIEND! Lmao it seems like he has none because he’s always with his family. Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend next series haha

“It is you, lost to us no longer but here before us perfect and complete ” MY HEART IS FUCKING BROKEN OMG I AM A MESS

PROTECT ALL THE SISTERS 😭💕💕

YES SECURE HER DISCHARGE, ASAP

I’m crying??!!

PHYLLIS RUNNING THE CUBS

LMAO PHYLLIS YELLING AT FRED LOVE IT, SHE IS SO BADASS, A GEM

“My way of making amends” poor sister J it’s not your fault 💔

LMAO SISTER WINNIE FAKE DRIVING ALL WRONG IM DEAD

HER SCREAM HAHA

ugh looking at kenley makes me sick, go away

Sister MJ & SISTER J MAKING HER BED💕 AND THE BIBLE AND CANDY ON THE PILLOW OMGGG

Oh shit where’d nadifa go

SISTER MC IS COMING HOME 😭😭

oh shit that lady had her bible, let her keep it

aw she did

Oh no nadifa’s going into labor??  ah omg

SISTER MC IS HOME😰💖

“Simply by being here” I’m crying again

LOOK AT HER PRECIOUS SELF WHY WOULD THEY HURT HER

Cuban Missile crisis on the tv

Trixie giving sister MC special soap💔

“I’d rather you give her my love” omg 😭😭

Fred painting the windows 😂

“President Kennedy.. he could charm the birds out of the trees” hell yea he was charming, rip. I wonder if next series they’ll mention his assassination? & side note Natalie Portman better win that Oscar for Jackie tonight

Nadifa’s sister is named Deka, got it. She reminds me of one of my cousins

Val and Babs new bffs?

Oh shit she’s in labor for real

“No knife” omg

I’d be freaking TF OUT

AH SHIT SHE’s GONNA DELIVER THIS BABY

AHHH OMG IM SCREAMING

THE BABY IS OKAY, SHE’S OKAY OMG MY HEAD, MY CHEST, EVERYTHING HURTS

damn that was intense

Gold fucking star for Valarie though

“I longed for this baby Patrick, longed for it, prayed for it and now I’m wondering why my prayers were answered because I don’t know what sort of a world we’re bringing it into ” SHELAGH DONT CRY, Ima cry 😰💕

“We just have to hope and we’re good at that” UGH MORE TEARS, YES YOU GUYS ARE 😭💕💔

Delia making another 2 second appearance

“If God loves me and wants me to do this, why is he making it so hard” omg I’ve been tearing this whole episode

DAMN YOU CTM for hurting my hEART and making it better at the same time!

Who are all these extra nuns

Aw Nadifa, but her baby is precious  

Sister MJ & MC killing me 💔

“It is no bad thing to be lost in a fog or at sea..” 😭😭😰😰

“Nurse bubsy” um bitch we don’t need that attitude right now

“We’re all going to hell in a handcart” indeed

lol Trixie wasn’t having it though she gave babs the only side eye 😂😭

Shit sister MC reading the paper no

I can’t imagine living through this crisis?! But like my grandparents did

The world was shook. But we’re shook now?? the world is constantly falling apart 

Wait I love THIS SONG

DON’T FORGET WHO’S TAKING YOU HOME….SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR MEEEEE💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼

tom x babs, Delia with the photo of Pats!, fred x violet aw cute montage 💕 💔

Trixie looking spectacular ugh goals

“You’d think the world would’ve learned by now..” YEA TRIXIE WE’RE STILL SAYING THAT IN 2017

“London is your oyster” lol that phrase is funny af idk why 😂

Cute Trixie and Christopher moment though 😭

Patrick and Sister MC! “I was once as lonely..” I’m a w r e c k 😭💔

Trixie in those black pyjamas I still want

SISTER MC AND TRIXIE 😭💔💕

“I generally find that if you can summon the courage to sit through the bleakest day, then in the end the weather will change” 😭I needed that Trixie

“Nothing worse than being wrongly dressed for an occasion” omg she’s gonna ditch the habit

Val you said before there was no normal

THE FLAT IS EMPTY JUST LIKE MY FUckING HEART & SOUL THANKS TO THIS DAMN PROGRAM(ME)

ANGELA’S BABY STUFF

“Maybe I never gave up hope”

They actually fucking kissed again rip to me

“Lots of memories” yes “they don’t belong to the house, they’re ours. They come with us” YEA AND WITH ME TOO AH

IM AN EMOTIONAL PIECE OF GARBAGE, excuse me while jump out the window and throw myself away with the rest of the trash😭😭😭💕💕

BET THEY BORROWED PHYLLIS’S ROOF RACK AGAIN

“A lady never tells” ok Trixie 😉😏👀

CRISIS AVERTED !!!

“We live to see another day” mood every day in america tbh

Phyllis running to the radio😂

“I feel like an absolute fool” “then we’re a fine pair” Pair of fools ugh I’m cryin I love u fools

NORTHFIELD

oh shit, is Sister Mary Cynthia really going to leave the order or just start over? 😭

I know you didn’t get the memo yet son but no liquor for trix😲

My Trixie 😭 look how far she’s come 😭💕and she’s going to tell him soon and I’ll be crying and gushing with pride

Chin chin

THEYRE CAMPING OUT AH, THEN CAMPING TRIP REFERENCE 

“We’re very lucky though, aren’t we” ugh MY HEART

SISTER MJ AND MC OMG 💔😭

my heart hurts. That’s all. Fuck I’m crying like real tears

Noo  Deka is going to be cut😰😰

yo Val calm tf down, it’s fucked up but you can’t be yelling like that

Nadifa standing up for herself 😭

I can’t deal 💔

“What would you like to be called while your with us?” “If you don’t mind, and if I’m allowed to choose, I’d just like to be called by my name.. which is Cynthia” 😭give Bryony an award😭

“There are so many secret wounds, so many types of hidden scar.” VANESSA YOU CANT LEAVE ME CRYING ON THAT NOTE

Nadifa didn’t circumcise her daughter !!!

“The soul, being stronger than we think, can surges all mutilations and the marks upon it make it perfect and complete” VANESSA IM C R Y I N AND IM D E A D

I hope You all prepare for my funeral, pls arrive well dressed, dios te bendiga 

Rest In Peace Gabby Rachel Nuñez, 1998-2017. Cause of death: too many feelings from call the midwife 💔💔

BONUS NEXT WEEK’S PREVIEW:

Susan Mullucks !! She’s so big

Boutta get prosthetic legs, my abuelo has one

“This isn’t funny Valarie” WHAT DUMB SHIT DID VAL SAY TO MY BBY SO I CAN SMACK HER

Trixie slaying though

I thought Mr Mullocks came around last series wtf?!

“Nurse Crane should stand down from duties until the situation is resolved” OMGGG NO

OMG NO SHE HIT THE ANTOINE KID WITH HER CAR NOOO

“If you caused harm to someone else would it not mask you question everything you life has come to stand for?” FUCK NEXT WEEK WILL BE JUST AS BAD FOR ME

PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, I AM SOBBING OMG IM NOT READY

[mira-mikaelson]

yeah he is a huge entitled asshole who thinks his shitty inconsistent character is actually appealing because his face claim looks like a boy band frontperson and thats like his only redeeeming factor LOL Im sorry he's targetting you. He's really sexist and ignorant and I just admire that you stood up to his garbage haha.

{ I think I know who sent this and I am beginning to understand why you warned me against this certain person.  Today has really shot my nerves and caused me to even log off Tumblr and game for awhile because of my nerves.  I do not appreciate what was said to me.  People can be mad at me for keeping these things up but what was said to me was uncalled for and I do feel that things were taken wayyy to far in this situation and things said seemed more OOC than IC.  That is something I am against. }

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.