#this is supposed to have alt text where did my alt text go

[underwhelmingalchemist]

Former Sherlock fans who are now OFMD fans, I have an unfortunate parallel for you

I'm so sorry

[bloodchapell]

second hangout - armin a.

brief summary: what if the “there is only one bed” moment happened at the library? you arrange a second hangout for you and armin to actually read nightfall. you go to eat after.

what to expect: alt and very nerdy reader, equally nerdy armin, mutual pinning, light physical touch

your sword’s note: armin is so cute u canttt. all past and future parts of this au series available in my mistresslist

That ring was on Armin’s finger every second of the day.

<Hey do you happen to know what material the ring is made of? I don’t want it to get damaged.> armin 👼🏼 01:03 am

<its silver! u can wash your hands with it on> you 01:03 am

<also are u free to go read tmr? lmk 🩵> you 01:04 am

<Yes!> armin 👼🏼 01:04 am

The blonde paced around his room. He could hear Eren curse at the TV in the living room, probably playing some games.

“Eren, what does light blue heart emoji mean?” Kind of socially ineptly Armin asked with his arms crossed.

“It means light blue heart emoji.” Eren replied. “Did you finally fry your brain? Am I the alpha brother now?”

“You are weird.” Armin frowned at his friend and sat besides him, unlocking his phone and showing the text in his screen.

“That just means she is excited to see you again you dumb fuck… I am sorry alpha brother I didn’t mean to be offensive in any way shape or form.” Eren blurted out. “All you need to do now is ask her out, start dating, marry and eventually have kids.”

“That is a little precipitated… and I am not asking her out, she will reject me.”

“Why would she reject you, she said you were the existential to her absurd or something, she gave you a ring literally, she also used light blue heart emoji which means I love your baby blue eyes beautiful.” Eren reassured his friend but Armin did not believe him at all. You would “never like him, in a million years”.

Eren simply gave a look to Armin, from what he had told him, it was kind of evident that you had a thing for Armin, but he was completely convinced that someone like you –whatever that meant– would never like someone like him –again, whatever that meant–. He just regarded you as a superior being, for some reason you two were in different categories even though he knew that intellectually you were kind of equals.

Next day came quickly, he got ready and was waiting for the time to leave when it suddenly started raining. Still he took an umbrella and a jacket and walked to the library. “Hiiii Armin!” You waved at the entrance, luckily you were close by when it started raining so you took cover under the entrance. “Hii.” He said with a soft smile, a little more comfortable but not completely. “I brought the book.” He showed from under his sweater and a smile formed in your lips.

Walking into the library you both realized that everyone was taking cover from the rain there, and that there were little to no seats available.

Except from…

“There!” You pointed throwing the book at the sofa from Armin’s hands to prevent other person from seating there. “Do you mind seating together? I think we fit.”

His cheeks got pale pink blushed. He looked at the gap in the sofa doubting he would fit, at least not without being extremely close to you.

“Uhmm…” He stood there for a second and ultimately decided to sit to not make you wait.

“I like your fit!” You complimented and he nodded.

“I like yours too. Where do you buy that?” He tried asking the questions that Eren had set up for him.

“Well the jacket is from Sex Pot Revenge, the shirt from Mad Punks and the pants I made myself.” You pointed at the clothes. He had never heard of those brands and being honest to himself, the word sex still made him kinda uncomfortable when thrown around casually.

“Is that goth?” He asked very kindly, following the words of Eren to the dot, “My best friend is a goth and she dresses kind of similar.”

“Hmm I know what you mean,” You started explaining, “I am goth but I suppose this is not a goth-ish look, right now it’s more of a vkei outfit. Do you mind if I explain it next time?”

Next time. I smile formed in his lips, so subtle and gentle, it adorned his face in such a beautiful way that it genuinely made your heart skip a beat.

He shook his head, of course he wouldn’t mind, he would fucking love it.

“Let’s get to the reading then.” You said taking the book from your lap. You flipped through the pages and saw his small handwriting covering the margins of the book in a thoughtful and organized manner. Where Nightfall was printed in big bold letters you stopped.

There was some kind of lack of coordination for the first pages you two read, sometimes he would flip the page before you were done or viceversa, but eventually you both adapted somehow to the reading speed of each other, since there was little to no difference anyway, and would give a look at the other one when done with the page.

That of course would not always account for calculations errors and your hands would brush with the other’s more often than what you’d like to admit. And his cologne would reverberate through the air and make you dizzy in love so you would forget what paragraph you were reading.

“Ow I am so hungry…” Suddenly you felt convalescent, you had breakfast at 9am and it was now 4pm.

“Do you wanna stop and go eat?” He asked lifting his eyes from the paper.

“Hmm, sure, let’s go then, the rain cleared out already.” You stood up and grabbed your things.

Armin had meant that you could go and eat, on your own, but seeing that you immediately included him left another of those lingering smiles in his face. He quickly stood up and walked besides you.

“So what do you think of it?” You asked him referring to the book.

“Immediately reminded me of when I learned that our galaxy and the Andromeda galaxy will crash eventually and I started freaking out.” He recalled a little embarrassed.

“That’s a shared experience for sure, cosmic horror is scary in such a way! My modern version of that is thinking about strange matter devouring everything.”

He was screaming in his head, punching the wall even. Where had you been all his life. His heart was genuinely aching from how fast it was beating. Maybe his heart was beating so fast that it could also be catalogued as a neutron star and his revolting feelings for you were everlasting changing and growing like strange matter.

“So stable that whatever it comes across transforms to emulate that stability.” He mumbled and you nodded, praising his intellect.

“Wanna take the bus into town? I can’t drive.” You asked and he nodded, also commenting that he couldn’t drive either. The bus ride was filled with back and forth debates about Nightfall and other trivial things that came up. Once you both got to the little college town, you decided on a restaurant. Armin only drank some juice and watched you eat lunch.

“I love taking the bus when is empty.” You mentioned getting on the bus, Armin was quick to say agree; he ached for spending more time with you.

“Bye, I had fun.” Once back at campus, and about to part ways, Armin said goodbye.

“Bye ‘Min. See you next time.” You gave him a quick hug and left.

He stood there for some minutes before rushing to get back to his dorm, Eren needed to know it all.

[bigjimbopickens]

This took so long but my cosplay of Cupcake!

(Too long for alt text or it’s just broken for me)

I spent over 60 hours making a fursuit of Cupcake. Why? Felt like it. I have done it again, I made fanart in the form of a fursuit. Features - Individually sewn sprinkles, at least 36 of them - wiggle-able ears that move when I shake my head - braid things that are weighted at the bottom so they sway more when I move - stuffing in neck and hair to give illusion of wool - paws with plush claws so they don’t actually hurt anyone - either I’ve gotten too used to wearing her or she’s surprisingly light despite how she looks. I did most of the work when the plushies were supposed to ship. I still haven’t gotten mine as of November 18, 2023. (About the Miitopia Cupcake) My phone cut off her arm here idk why but I don’t feel like fixing it.

The original plan before I decided to ignore it entirely and just go with what I saw in my head. I now got 2/5 fursuits of Irish Lads members. I’m still unsure of exactly why I decided to do this but too late now.

Work in progress photos because they’re neat, I guess. Halfway through this I had to stop because the forces of nature tried to prevent this from happening (massive wildfire happened, had to evacuate) but it’s okay now. I resumed in October.

Some more pictures from Kelowna Comic-con, shoutout to the people who recognized her :3

I hope y’all like her because I do a lot :)

She was so worth it.

Aight what member of the Irish Lads do I make a fursuit of next?

(Also, I have an IG where I post way more often, they are snowfall_warning & snowfallwarning_creations)

[going-to-ikea-for-the-fries]

Home Pt. 6 || cbf!Simon "Ghost" Riley

Rating: M Words: 1.5K Pairing: cbf!Simonxafab!reader / teen!Simonxteen!Reader Summary: Teen Simon and his best friend often spend their nights away from their respective houses because they found a home in each other… CW: fear of being home, yelling/arguing, homelessness (if you squint). Tags: you/your pronouns, breaking up, arguments, crying, emotional distance, teen romance (or lack thereof). a/n: not proofread. ALSO: If the cursive is illegible for you, check image description/alt text to be able to read the postcard below better!

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You’re seventeen, he’s eighteen.

“YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING DEPLOYED!” You shout at him as you wave the postcard in the air in front of his face. You received it a week ago and you had 5 days to stew on it.

And yet you still blew up.

“YOU PROMISED, RILEY!” You said as you waved your hands, your eyes welling up in tears. “YOU SAID IT’D BE HERE, THAT YOU WOULDN’T GO OVERSEAS, THAT YOU’D IN THE UK!”

“WELL, I’M NOT THE ONE THAT DECIDES THIS SHITE, Y/N!” He shouts at you in return, throwing his arms up in frustration. “I GO WHERE THEY TELL ME!”

He begins to pace in front of you, side to side, your eyes following him as the tears you’ve been holding start spilling down your cheeks. You’re tired and overwhelmed, your brain clouded with feelings you don’t know how to express and end up showing as frustration and sensitivity.

You’ve barely slept since you got the stupid postcard, not that you’ve been sleeping all that well for the 18 months, either. “We had a plan…” You whine as you look up at him, your body trembling. 

Simon stops in his tracks and looks over at you, huffing loudly and running both hands over his forehead and hair. His fingers are rough. Rougher than they used to be. He’s been working hard, breaking the skin.

“I know we did, darlin’.” He says. He’s forcefully trying to calm himself down as he keeps his hands, fingers interlocked, on the crown of his head. “And we can still keep with it when my deployment ends.” He tells you. 

Once again, he’s trying to convince you so desperately that things will get better, his voice trying to hold firmly to his convictions, not that he believes in them. And, frankly… you don’t either.

“And when is that going to be?” You retort as you press your lips together and look away, your eyes taking in the sight of the darkened area around you. The viewpoint you’ve come to call home in the last 2 years since he left… Where you spend the night, sleeping in Mr. Riley’s car.

“I… I don’t know.” He admits and huffs, while looking away, crossing his arms and resuming his pacing. “Six months? Eight?” He adds.

“Yeah, that’s the issue, Riley...” You tell him as you look up at him. It’s getting hard to breathe now. Very hard to breathe. Your chest is squeezing with nothing if not heartbreak all over again.

“What’s that supposed to bloody mean?!” He asks you as he stared at you sharply once more, his voice increasing in volume steadily.

“It’s supposed to mean that I’m tired, Riley! You said you’d get us out of here!” You retort.

“And I am!!”

“NO, you’ve gotten YOURSELF out!”

“Oh, fuckin’ hell, Y/N, really?!”

“Yeh, really! You’ve gotten away from this shit hole of a city, away from your dad, and you’re leaving me behind!” 

Suddenly, he’s in front of you, a large hand squeezing onto your bicep as he glares down at you, making you look at him.

“You think goin’ off to Afghanistan to a goddamn warzone, riskin’ my bloody life is any better?!” He asks you, shaking you a bit by the arm. “You think that’s ‘getting out’?” He adds.

At first you can’t answer, all you do is cry. You’re so exhausted.

Things have gotten so much harder at home. Even when you don’t/can’t take Mr. Riley’s car out, you spend your time in the street, or at work, having found yourself a little apprenticeship that keeps you busy so you don’t actively go insane. These days, you barely step foot in your house.

But Simon doesn’t know that. And you aren’t telling him.

“IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT!” You shout as you look him in the eyes. “ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS, THAN BEING HERE!” You try to shake him off your arm, but his big fingers dig in, preventing it.

You’ve been without Simon Riley for the better part of two years. That, coupled with the lack of sleep and the stress, is taking its toll on you. You’ve found that you’ve got to rely on yourself because Simon has been away and will continue being away.

“You promised…” You tell him, looking up at him, eyes full of tears. “But you’re leaving me behind… Having to fend for myself… over… and over…” You shudder with tears. 

“What about me?” You ask him as you sniffle away your tears. “I wanna get out too, Riley...” You remind him.

Simon finally lets go of your arm, turning away sharply and running his hands over his head again, his elbows spread wide as he paces away from you. You can hear him huffing in frustration, filling his cheeks with air and letting it out through puckered, strained lips.

You clearly resent him for going away, that much is clear… And he doesn’t know what to tell you. He wishes he could get you out right now. But, as it stands, he’ll only be able to do so in the future…

And if being an hour and a half away from you (which is now actually four hours after he moved garrisons to join the Paras) was hard enough on you both… He can’t imagine what’ll be like when he’s in a whole different continent and timezone for months on months without any contact.

That’s when the realization hits him like a freight train. 

He feels like he grew up… and you stayed the same. He’s a grown man now, a soldier. You’re… still a girl. Still the girl he fell in love with, of course. And that’s part of the problem.

He can tell you’re still the same, still sinking down that rabbit hole of the abuse you’ve been experiecing. You need someone to hold your hand, someone to hold you close, someone to kiss your forehead and make you all sorts of promises. You need to be coddled. And two years ago Simon would’ve gladly done that, beecause you would’ve done the same to him… 

But he’s not a child anymore. 

He’s got the Army to worry about. He’s going to go overseas and face his death in less than two weeks. The last thing he needs is this argument. He wants it to be done.

Simon turns swiftly to look at you, eyes stern and hard as his hands drop to his side. His spine stiffens and he raises his chin. “THEN LEAVE!” He shouts at you, his words stinging like venom. You find yourself holding your breath.

“Stop bloody relyin’ on me.” He orders, his brown eyes locking onto yours with a coldness you never quite saw before in him. “If you’re so fuckin’ unhappy and ungrateful of what I’m doin’ for us both…” He trails off. “Then grow up and leave. Get yourself out.” He adds, his jaw clenching and his left eye twitching lightly.

Your whole face scrunches, your heart squeezing in your chest at the pain of the things he’s saying, the way he’s acting. This isn’t the Riley you knew. This isn’t even Simon. He’s changed. And you hate it.

You don’t even know what to say. Is there anything to say? You doubt it. You can’t find the words either way, your mind too noisy and tired to make sense of anything else to say.

Huffing one more time, he walks past you and grabs the car keys from his pocket. “Let’s go. I don’t wanna ruin my sleep schedule.” He tells you with a tone so cold and dismissive you’d think that he was talking to his father, and not to you. He gets into the driver’s seat of the car and waits as you shuffle along to the passenger’s seat.

You sulk and try to stop your crying, sniffling away the tears. He drives with his jaw clenched, occasionally letting out annoyed sighs. Neither of you talks on the way home.

Two weeks later, it’s his mum that drives him to the station so he can go back to the garrison and report for deployment. As his mum and Tommy are saying goodbye to him, he checks over his shoulder a few times, his height an advantage to look over other people’s heads and look for you.

The announcement rings over the platform, announcing the soon departure of his train to Colchester. He jumps into the train, finds his seat and parks his bergen backpack on the floor between his feet, while looking out the window.

He waves goodbye to his mum and Tommy and searches for you one last time… but you’re nowhere to be found.

The train hisses and pulls out of the station like it did the last few times he’s had leave. But this time, it feels different.

You’re not there to wave him off. 

You didn’t kiss him goodbye. 

You didn’t wish him luck.

Maybe it’s for the best.

You don’t seem to be the luckiest of people.

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taglist: @iite-cool , @spicyspicyliving

[justice-flonne]

Twitter and the death of Media Literacy

As the original post now has reblogs turned off before this post came out of the queue, looks like I have to make my own

Lemme tackle picture number 2 first. Number one, what the HELL do you mean "normal mentally ill [woman]"?? There's no such thing. There's not even such a thing as normal non-mentally ill. Everyone is different and has different reactions and symptoms. and number two: where the fuck do you get off calling the author a sex pest for the "crime" of exploring her options in brothels (well, i guess maybe it is a crime, i forget how japan's laws are, but still. i better not hear you demanding more rights for sex workers while indirectly demeaning their jobs, ya nitwit)? Being gay (or even just non-conforming, and that's not even just about gender) in Japan, while not as bad as say, the Middle East, is not exactly a walk in the park. She probably at the time of writing didn't have many options, and everybody explores their sexuality in different ways. It's really messed up that you're calling the author a sex pest for describing her life, especially since she did nothing wrong (as in, her encounters were all consensual. again, don't fully know the laws regarding brothels there. i think it's a "we'll pretend we didn't see that" scenario)

This also kinda ties into the downright dangerous idea that an lgbt+ person, lesbians especially, can only be an innocent pure being. that kind of thinking can and HAS gotten people into horrible abuse scenarios

As for the "incest"... whoo boy, this is gonna be long:

Now, I have actually read this manga, and I can cite the pages with the supposed "incest" mentioned in the first pic. I'd elaborate, but I'm admittedly quite bad at that, so I'll let the comic speak for itself:

(forgive me if there's any errors in the alt text. it's late 😭)

As you can see, the author does not LITERALLY want to fuck her mother. She has childhood issues from not enough affection (elaborated elsewhere in the book, but I'm tired. read it yourself. i got these pages from a definitely legal website, so can you), and wants to be held and coddled. She even straight up says what she feels is abnormal and yearns for a woman NOT RELATED TO HER to do things with. She KNOWS what she feels is strange and wants to (and eventually DOES) grow from this. I could post more images, but i'm probably pushing my luck as is

Point is, you "adults" really, REALLY need to learn that depiction is not the same as endorsement. Not everything is as cut and dry as the Marquis de Sade. This is, as the damn title says, the author's experience with loneliness as a result of growing up with an emotionally distant mother in a society that is markedly different than America

please, PLEASE, learn to think critically, and i mean "critical" in a "english class analysis" kind of way (for lack of a better term), not a "this thing you like is bad and it offends me" "critical." It's alright to be uncomfortable with things and even to not like things, hell I myself am a HUGE hater, but please, don't throw a tantrum because a real person wasn't a smol bean like you hoped

holy shit i need to go to bed

[fiercynn]

otw july 2 board meeting: what the hell was that

so the otw (@transformativeworks) board had their Q2 meeting yesterday, which was highly anticipated given everything that's gone down in the past months:

the @end-otw-racism campaign demanding action from otw on their own commitments made three years ago to better address racist harassment in otw and on ao3 (btw, support end otw racism's current campaign #Vote To End OTW Racism!)

recent revelations about how otw has mistreated its volunteers, regarding azarias and how the org reacted after the CSEM attacks on volunteers last year, as well as how the policy & abuse committee (PAC) is overworked and treated by the legal commitee overall (documented here)...

...and ongoing mistreatment of chinese, chinese diaspora, and chinese-speaking volunteers, particularly regarding an incident last year that put volunteers in mainland china at risk, and the board's recent unilateral decision to close the otw weibo account without input from the weibo account leads or any chinese-speaking volunteers

the AI shit

and probably more that i've missed, honestly. so! this is my summary of the meeting, focusing mostly on the issues related to racism; i have screenshots of the whole meeting but will at this point only share those i find most relevant/interesting! alt text will be included for every screenshot in the image, not below it.

and hold on, because this is going to be LONG!

pre-meeting ableism in #help channel so shit actually started going down the previous day in the otw board discord's help channel where there was a pretty ableist resposne to a person who asked if the board could consider adding the pluralkit bot to the server. i wasn't there, but hojarasca on dreamwidth posted about it, and i believe some other folks who were there will post screenshots soon too.

all of that conversation was deleted from the help channel by today, which is not unusual but did mean that a majority of people at today's meeting might not know what went down.

board meeting starts; immediate chaos the board meeting started at 8pm UTC, and it was clear almost immediately that the board was unprepared. what you have to understand about otw board meetings is that they are not really meetings where the board members discuss anything with each other. basically otw board members show up, share an agenda , give written updates on the items on the agenda, take votes on board decisions (but without any discussion publicly), and take questions. none of the materials like the agenda or relevant documents were shared ahead of time, and the board did not offer a way to submit questions ahead of time specific to the board meeting. (otw does have a contact us form to email their board or committee chairs, but i've never gotten a response lol.)

another weird thing that happened before the meeting started was that board member alex tischer was active answering questions in the help channel up to five minutes before the meeting, but didn't stay for the meeting. i don't think a reason was shared for this. this is relevant because alex has been criticized for racist responses to chinese volunteers, particularly those that ran & interacted with otw's weibo account, both in the past & last month when they closed their weibo account without any notice to the volunteers. this will also come up again later in the q&a section...

anyway. the meeting starts. all of the discussion directly about the meeting is supposed to happen in one discord channel called #public-board-meetings; the #help channel is supposed to be for tech issues etc. there is no separate channel for asking questions to the board - those are supposed to be posted in the main board meeting channel. and as far as we can tell, there are no mods of either of these channels apart from board members.

at the start of the meeting there are at least 209 attendees. for context, the last board meeting in march had 31. i've heard from people who have attended board meetings for the past couple years that there are usually 10-40 attendees per meeting. but again, given what's been going down, it's not surprising that so many people showed up!

and because there are a lot of people who haven't attended these meetings before, attendees immediately start asking questions, both process questions about the meeting and actual questions they want to ask the board. which again is understandable because there haven't been many answers given in the #help channel, and the board immediately muddies things further by giving confusing instructions about when to ask questions. they first say this - that they are going to proceed through their agenda, so people should hold questions that are NOT about any agenda items until the end. they imply that questions that are about agenda items are okay as they go through the agenda, but there will be conflicting instructions about this later...

agenda is posted & actual meeting content begins...kind of here's the meeting agenda that was shared. not...terribly descriptive lol

- Decisions taken since the previous meeting - Strategic Plan vote - Update on OTW's Diversity Work - AOB (Any Other Business) - Time for questions

people immediately start asking questions about various agenda items & also procedure questions. very few of these are answered. the first agenda item is posted - decisions taken since the previous meeting.

the board gives us "a couple minutes to read the above". everything's getting a little muddled already because people keep asking questions (reasonably!) about agenda items. there are several questions about the specific agenda item of "decisions taken since the previous meeting". some of the questions are getting answered by otw volunteers but none by board members at this point.

the board moves on to the next agenda item without answering questions about the "decisions" item. people are asking for a separate channel for questions but none is created. board members tell us they will try to get to all the answers at the end, but that we should send any additional answers to the board through the otw contact us form. many people point out that they've rarely gotten responses that way.

board gives a brief update (that was NOT on the agenda) from the finance committee chair, who was not at the meeting, to say that the 2023 budget was posted earlier this year, and that people can send questions via the contact us form. i'll note here that i sent a message to the finance committee with a question about the 2023 budget two months ago and have not gotten a response.

strategic plan update + question procedure still unclear the board then starts to give an update on the strategic plan, which board members are to vote on today. attendees ask if the full strategic plan draft was shared publicly before this meeting and we are told it was only shared with volunteers, not with members or the public.

they do share an infographic summarizing the strategic plan. hilariously, the first version they upload is so blurry that it's unreadable. they then share a gdoc with alt text. if you are new-ish to otw stuff, this infographic and the jargon in it are probably pretty confusing.

the board keeps giving us "a few minutes to check things out". people ask them to not do that and proceed because we can read while they are typing. questions to the board keep going unanswered and various other people say that we're supposed to hold questions until the end. we again get told conflicting things about how to ask questions. a board member asks us to hold ALL questions until the end, but an otw volunteer points to an earlier statement from a different board member & says that questions on the current agenda item are allowed.

at 45 minutes into the meeting, when most questions are going unanswered (and a lot of only being answered by otw volunteers, not board members), the board disables messages in the main channel so that they can proceed with the agenda. this is not usual board meeting procedure and was unannounced until they did it. people start getting really creative with emoji reactions because they can't ask questions. the board admits that they were unprepared for the number of attendees at this meeting.

attendees then start asking questions in the help channel, which has been put on "slow mode", which means each user can only post every thirty minutes. multiple otw volunteers share in the help channel that they warned the board about preparing for the meeting, and the only change the board made in response was to make it 30 minutes longer than usual.

in the main channel, the board does not have any public discussion on the strategic plan (which has not been shared, only the infographic has), and votes unanimously to approve it.

diversity work update, aka a glorified otw news post the board moves on to the "diversity work update", which is now a standard section of every board meeting. they share two updates - firstly, that caste has been added as a protected class in the code of conduct, and secondly that they've heard the concerns coming from @end-otw-racism supporters and others. both of which were already shared a month ago in this OTW news post from a month ago, which they link to.

seriously, nothing new is shared in this part of the meeting that wasn't in that post. some update!

q&a part one the board asks for emoji reactions again to see how many people are in attendance. unclear why they do this unless they were hoping people might have left? but alas for them, there are still 182 people that emoji react saying they are in the meeting!

the board FINALLY starts answering questions, but they do not yet re-enable messages so that users can ask more questions. they start by addressing the pluralkit issue from yesterday, but they don't give any response about the ableism that was allowed to go unchecked in the channel.

then, BAFFLINGLY, they start with answering questions from someone who wasn't able to make the meeting. how did this person submit those questions beforehand? NO ONE KNOWS. fortunately this person had (imo) good questions, but again, why were their questions given preference? unclear.

okay there were a LOT of questions and responses, so i'm going to stick to sharing the ones that were most important to me, which were about addressing racism within the otw and on ao3. hopefully someone else will summarize other issues!

we finally get our FIRST REAL NEW RESPONSE on a diversity/racism issue! the board says they plan to hire a diversity consultant by the end of the year.

we also hear that changes to otw's terms of service are being proposed to give the policy & abuse committee more tools to address harassment, including "racially-motivated" harassment.

board says the best way for people other than otw volunteers to get involved with anti-racism issues is...to stay up to date on what otw is doing, attend public meetings, and send questions through the comment form. what.

the board does not answer how they have reached out to fans of color in their work to address racism, which i assume means they haven't; they instead say that fans of color are free to provide input/feedback via the contact us form. emoji reactions explode

the board says that the strategic plan has initiatives to combat racism including improving diversity in recruitment (of...who? volunteers, board members? potential future paid staff?), hiring a diversity consultant, & forming "volunteer coalitions"

slight digression from my focus on racism issues because of how many times the board has told us to submit questions via their contact us form: very little clarity on how long it will take for answers to be questions, or how long people spend on responses

the goals for the future diversity consultant are to do an audit of the organization and offer recommendations on how to proceed. couldn't be vaguer lol

otw does not currently have plans to have an internal committee for diversity, equity, and inclusion work, since they're relying on the external consultant, but if the consultant recommends it they'll consider

by the time they've gotten through these responses, there are only five minutes left in the meeting! remember, messaging by attendees has been disabled for the past 40 minutes, so everything the board has answered so far is from people who got their questions in during the first 45 minutes (or, apparently, one person who managed to get in questions before the meeting).

q&a part two at this point, the board FINALLY re-enables messaging for new questions, but clarifies that they will only take them until 9:30pm UTC. which means anyone who did actually wait to ask their questions now only has five minutes to ask them! questions start rolling in immediately. again, going to focus on the ones about racism.

i'm listing questions in chronological order that they are asked, but please note that the corresponding answers from the board are coming WAY later than the questions. the board took until 10:20pm UTC (almost an hour after the meeting was supposed to end) to answer all the questions. mostly i'm telling you this because the emoji reactions on the answers by the board get more limited as people understandably have to leave the meeting lol

the first question of round two is about how chinese & chinese diaspora volunteers have been treated re: the weibo account closure, & board member alex tischer's role in this.

board response is horrifyingly empty, only promising the creation of a new "anonymous form" to receive feedback from chinese and chinese diaspora volunteers on the situation.

an attendee asks for better prioritization of racism & equity issues in the meetings, and better preparation from the board. (note that the addition of "diversity work update" to the agenda is not new, i believe it was instituted late last year)

in response, board admits they were unprepared despite volunteers warning them, says they will take advice from this meeting forward. emoji reactions are out in full force

an attendee asks more details about how the diversity consultant research officer (who is NOT a hired diversity consultant, but an otw volunteer in charge of the hiring process for a consultant) engages with the board & what goals they have for the future consultant

response from board is that they meet weekly, and that the research officer is herself in charge of identifying goals for the future consultant

an attendee points out that "curate your space" tools are not enough to protect users from targeted abuse, including racist abuse, and that asking fans of color to reach out to the board instead of the other way around is bullshit (my words haha)

the board's response to this is to offload that onto the future diversity consultant. SERIOUSLY.

an otw member asks if the diversity consultant will also look at accessibility for disabled users across the otw

board essentially says "yeah, sure" lol

an otw member asks how otw will remove barriers to becoming a voting member and diversifying membership & committee leadership

board's response is that they don't know the demographics of their members or volunteers, which...somehow means they can't remove barriers that would help fans of color or non-western fans from becoming members and volunteers? lmaoooooooo

an attendee asks for accountability in ensuring that the incoming board keeps the current board's promises re: DEI, pointing to improvements made by the 2015 board that were later reversed by a new board make-up

board does not seem to understand this question so answers an entirely different one! (seriously, i double-checked which question they were responding to.)

an otw volunteer asks what the plans are to deal with the "ongoing exclusion and alienation of chinese-speaking volunteers"?

the board repeats that they have opened a feedback form for chinese-speaking volunteers. that's it.

so those are all the questions i saw on racism; as i mentioned, there were TONS more good questions on board transparency and communications, protection of volunteers, moderating board meetings better, lack of feedback collection on the strategic plan, etc.

at PRECISELY 9:30pm UTC, messages are disabled again so that no more questions can be asked. all of the otw board responses that i shared above are from after messages were disabled again.

takeaways this meeting was a complete mess. the process was extremely unclear and made things inaccessible; while the board did (from what i can tell) answer all the questions posted, people were not able to ask all the questions that they'd planned because of the unannounced disabling of messaging.

and then, of course, there's the fact that the majority of the answers are bullshit, which is probably the least surprising thing about this meeting.

it's just ridiculous that they weren't prepared for this. given everything that's gone down in the past months, why on earth wouldn't they assume that people would show up with hard questions? the mismanagement and incompetence is frankly astounding. which i guess is the story of the last few months re: OTW anyway!

so...see you at the next one in a few months, i guess? 🤷🏾‍♀️

[mydetheturk]

ive been trying to come up with a way to talk about my take on The Argument, but honesty i can't get past these pages where Wolfwood shoots Rai-Dei. there are four panels on this two page spread, and no words, but god there's so much said in it. i keep flipping back and forth between it and the next page like "holy shit wolfwood. holy shit wolfwood." like. like we know. we've known since volume two of trigun that wolfwood was one of the GHG. we've known! this is knowledge that we have had for multiple volumes.

i literally cannot get over the expression on wolfwood's face in the pages leading up to their fight (and this expression lingers through their fight, mind you)

like

hellO????

like!!! this is the start of their argument!!! wolfwood cannot let vash die. and if he has to kill to do it he's going to kill to do it. vash is supposed to suffer. he cannot suffer if he's dead.

and this is the lead up to their argument. they have such philosophical differences about life, Vash believing every life is precious and that everyone can change, where Wolfwood's convinced that people won't. he thinks Vash is foolish - is naive for not taking the GHG seriously. Wolfwood wants - Wolfwood needs - to know Vash is taking this seriously, is prepared to kill if Vash wants to keep everyone else alive.

Wolfwood needs to know Vash is prepared for the shit Wolfwood knows - or suspects, if he doesn't know off hand - Legato is going to send.

hence this panel.

(yes i did just straight up copy the alt text from the post i made about being unable to cope with this panel. it ruins me.)

And then Vash reads him for fucking filth.

Vash's heart is breaking for Wolfwood, who cannot see a way out of the grave he's dug. Vash doesn't want to kill but he's broken for the way Wolfwood cannot see any other way to survive.

Like. the whole of page 106 hurts, but the way the Overhaul translated these panels is. Oof.

(the Dark Horse translation differs. Vash's speech reads: You... told me back then... that my face looked better with a real smile. If you could see yourself through my eyes now... You'd see a man forcing himself to play the Devil while his own heart cries out.

It's a little more poetic, but both of the statements cut Wolfwood to the core.)

They're talking past one another! they care so much about one another but their love languages differ so hard. (and i don't even mean this in a shipping way tho you could take it that way)

Augh. They're idiots. We'll see later that Wolfwood knows what Vash is, because of his experiences with Knives. (Wolfwood was there when Knives got reborn, after all) and he's seen Vash fight. He just. Doesn't know if Vash can kill one to save the many. (The start of their first fight in Stampede, their first true fight, is because Wolfwood shoots Rollo/Monev the Gale. Vash asks why. Wolfwood says its out of mercy.)

Anyway, there's some other really good meta about this fight (@needle-noggins has a nice breakdown of it) and if/when I find the posts I'll drop links in the comments/reblog with them.

I'll also upload what i could figure out of the transcript when I read through their argument in order to figure out how i was even going to talk about it to google docs and drop the link to that in the comments as well.

If you're still here, idk, Vash read Wolfwood for filth in front of God and everybody, which in this case was an empty town, Rai-Dei's corpse, and Zazie, who's been watching them for who knows how long at this point.

[istherewifiinhell]

okay. heres what were all here for. tell me why the fuck im supposed to suck the dick of these uk comics

[ID: A man holding up an aged looking paper, with a medieval style drawing of a giant metal fire breathing man. He leans forward serious asking his son "... Did it look like this?" END]

marveltf story line, MAN OF IRON, 9-12 in the UK, or.... 33-34 in the us. alright lol do whatever i guess. first published in 1985

new vibe same procedure: Script: Steve Parkouse art: John Ridgeway (9-10) Mike Collins (11-12) Colours: Joise Fermin (9-10) Gina Hart (11-12) Nel Yomtov (US)* Letters: Richard Starkings Editor: Sheila Cranna and these caps are from the UK classics idw book so: Original Series Edits by Shelia Cranna and Ian Rimmer, editorial notes and assistance by James Roberts, Collection Edits by Justin Eisinger and Alonzo Simon, Collection Design by Shawn Lee (<- hey i know his work from turtles!)

*so the uk comics were part in colour and part B&W, to save costs... including the american reissues? printing costs i guess. but when reprinted in collected books, they would get the full colour treatment. whats not clear to me is WHO did those colours, its not listed anywhere i can find. ill simply have to assume its the same artists... and hope im not discrediting anyone....

AND ALSO the last page in this reprint apparently uses the US comic page, and i have a cap of that last page, so. Yomtov's in here too..... tf franchise the way u treat ur sacred texts breaks my turtles fan heart.

and lastly! the keen eyed may notice, we are back to toy accurate art, the character model designs haven't and wont make their way over until much later, I'm told.

well with all that perfectly convoluted business out of the way, lets explore what tfs is like across the pond.

[ID: The same man, Roy, driving as he thinks to himself "What kind of bozo would want to bomb the castle? The Saxon Liberation Front? The mind boggles…" END]

[spluttering laugh] so the humours a little different!

[ID: The boy, Sammy, climbing a tree, hand outstretched reaching for the arrow he lost. Standing, with his in the canopy is Jazz. Sammy yells in fear. END]

OKAY. so the vibes are little different

[ID: Caption Box: And the apparition was fearful, being a Man of Iron of great height and girth, seeming unheedful of quarrel, spear or sword…" The robot from the illustration, clearly transformer, but blockier, more retro scifi, standing in the middle of a medieval battle, men with chain-mail and swords looking at him with trepidation. Caption Box: The Man of Iron forded the stream at Eldric's Cross, making great strides for the abbey… and some brave souls followed, though none dared come too close…" Two of the fighters shown following him, a body shot with an arrow lays at the other side of the river. END]

damn okay. so the vibes are ALOT DIFFERENT

(no 10) sammy dreams

[ID: Sammy stands on a house rooftop, in his PJ's, looking down at the cobble street, where a seeker in alt mode rests. END]

[ID: Dark and moody art, a barely seen figure towers in the shadows over the residential houses. From a higher angle, its shown to be Mirage, he stands taking up the entire street, backlit and casting shadows. END]

WHAT THE FUCK. that is terrifying

(something about beautiful black inked art + toy model makes them so CREATURE)

[ID: Roy speaks to a man in army uniform. Roy: How large? Soldier: Well… ahh…at a rough estimate? About the size of an ocean-going liner. Roy: Whaat? Roy with a hand to his head in dismay: Well, for god's sake what is it? Solider: We don't know. I've called in extra men and we're going to excavate… END]

somethings! buried under the castle... gee well one wonders what it might be

[ID: Close on Jazz's alt mode dashboard, its filled with lights and screen of alien language. Hes saying: But I'm not a stranger, Sammy. Deep down, you know… don't you? You've been wanting an adventure all your life… Besides. I have something to tell you. Sammy looking doubtful. Jazz continues: Something really important. Sammy has a hand on Jazz's open door: Why not just sit for a while in the front seat? Just pretend you're driving… END]

JAZZ THATS KIDNAPPING BUD....

really get a kick outta this note in the printed version

[ID: REMEMBER: NEVER ACCEPT LIFTS FROM STRANGERS! TO BE CONTINUED! END]

(no 11)

[ID: Jazz speaks to Sammy on the road, a blue and white F1 car pulling up. "My name is unpronounceable in your language… so just call me Jazz! And that's Mirage right behind us!" Jazz takes a exit to a low road, a black camper truck driving alongside. "This is where we rendezvous with Trailbreaker. All set Sammy?" All three driving along, Sammy responds "Sure thing Jazz!" END]

[guitar riff] THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN. im so glad all my good friends are here.

[ID: An fiery explosion engulfing Trailbreaker with a "Whaamf!". Wheels coming off, glass shattering, the truck top blowing to bits. Trailbreaker veering off road, a trail of fire and parts behind him calls out "Jazz! I'm hit... I'm hit BAD! END]

TRAILBREAKER NOOOO. who could have seen this coming...

[ID: Jazz narrowing swerving a missile. Exploding behind him, and speedlines trail him, and a wreath in flame around him. The colours are almost delicate, and a reflective glow in his paint. END]

wha. this just looks so cool.... what the hell....

[ID: Bluesteak, smiling speaking to comms "Autobot Bluestreak to patrol leader +++ Just brushed something off your tail, Jazz+++ try to be more careful in future, hmmm? Bluestreak out+" END]

being a cunt in the work slack. king

[ID: Jazz in profile, lit under the starry night sky, soft line-less colours defining the planes of his head in blue greys, and pitch black. To Sammy he says "Not really. It's a shuttlecraft… now stand back…" To comms "Autobot Jazz To Autobot leader+++ Approaching shuttle with Surveillance Subject+++ Request permission to board+++" END]

Wuh. Huh. Jazz u look so fucking cool right now?? And handsome.....

okay whats going on back at the castle (no 12)

[ID: The army soldier half sitting on a desk, holding a phone to his ear, the rotary cradle held resting on his leg. He's saying "IT's not just a question of scale, sir. We simply cannot identify it. END]

whys he kinda... apparently this style of uniform is called temperate barrack dress?? that answers none of my questions im just kinda... whyd u draw him like that tho...

[ID: A seeker, drawn in blues, walking between the ruins of the castle. Off panel someone says "It just seemed to appear from nowhere!" END]

bigfooting it up... AT A CASTLE. oh lads. im done for [blah blah he telePORTS and thats skywarps power but hes blue so WHO is it. dont worry abt it man. dont matter. they apparently change in the various times its been coloured, which is objectively funny imho. keep em guessing]

[ID: Moody and still illustrations of a robot identical to the Man of Iron in stasis, plugged into a bed of sorts. The ship around him is dark but for strips of coloured computer like lights in the walls and floor. Caption boxes narrate: Deep beneath the Autobots feet, in a sealed chamber, a special Autobot lay waiting… He was navigator, warrior and guardian of Autobot destiny… In his long, slow, machine world, a million years were as fleeting seconds. Human history had passed over him. Small inter panels. Mid on the Guardian: Locked in his dormant brain was the location of the planet Cybertron. He waited only to be re-activated, re-integrated with his mission… Restored to life. Close on the Guardian: His attendant was no more, the link between them severed. Laying in profile, just barely defined in the pitch black: Alone in the darkness he patiently beamed his signal. The same pattern of impulses… Waiting. END]

What the actual fuck (its even more somberly dramatic than just that)

[ID: Sammy, from a distance, staring at the castle. Caption Box: Autumn came, leaves fell. Sammy was a year older and a year wiser. He never saw Jazz again… Sammy asleep in bed, moonlight pouring through his paneled window. "But on clear, sharp nights, when stars glittered like needles and the night winds rattled his window… Then he slept a fitful, fearful sleep…" Sammy sleeping, with his dreams projected above him. "And the Man of Iron walked once more through his dreams." The End]

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

um well. okay! thats. fucking crazy. and this is the only tf comic this dude ever did. okay... can u tell he was from the dr who comics...... it ALSO means this doesnt actually speak at all for what the rest of tfuk will be like. which is damn funny. LIKE WOW! THAT WAS CRAZY. anyways.

[maniculum]

Bestiaryposting Results: Kraegrat

Allow me to start with a disclaimer: I woke up sick this morning, so if it seems like I'm doing a worse job than usual stringing words together, let's all agree to blame fatigue & cold medicine.

Now, on to our beast for the week. The entry people are working from can be found here:

This is kind of an interesting one: not only is there no physical description, but the entry consists entirely of describing a single behavior that has at best a tenuous connection to reality. Nevertheless, a number of people indicated that they recognized it, because this is one of those "bestiary fun facts" that tends to stick in folks' heads.

As usual, we're going to go through the depictions in roughly chronological order -- let me know if I missed yours. This week, for some reason, my original post doesn't appear under the #Kraegrat tag, so who even knows what's going on there and I'm fully willing to believe yours is hidden for some kind of absurd Tumblr reason. (Maybe it got flagged under the "don't go nuts don't show nuts" policy -- I kind of suspect that's what happened with the entry post.)

Images below the cut, because (1) aforementioned nuts, though i'm pretty sure this is within Tumblr guidelines, and (2) i really should be doing a cut for all of these but i keep forgetting.

@mobileleprechaun (link to post here) has gone all in on the pathos, making the Kraegrat small, fuzzy, and sad. They describe it as "beleaguered and persecuted" and "a poor guy" which honestly I think is pretty fair for anyone in a situation where you're constantly being hunted for your testicles. They also cite "tanuki inspo" for obvious testicle-related reasons, and yeah, I see it. Very good Sad Gentle Beast here.

@embervoices (link to post here) has done a few different species of Kraegrat, all of which have kind of a lemur look. (They also provided their own alt text, which I really appreciate, thank you.) The linked post has an explanation of design decisions, and also references that Anansi story about tiger balls. (I googled it just now, and all the results reference American Gods -- did Neil Gaiman make that one up?) Anyway, excellent whimsical lemur thing, love the depiction of it throwing the testicles.

@mayhaps-magical (link to post here) notes their "appropriate medieval disregard for standardized spelling" and explains that they reinterpreted it as "Kragen-rat". My German is almost nonexistent, so I had to do a quick check...

... okay, yeah, I see how that comes into play. I also like the idea of playing around a bit with the spelling and etymology, because gods know the medieval authors did the same with no regard for accuracy. (The vastly-encyclopedic, frequently-inaccurate work that has led Isidore of Seville to be put forth as a potential Patron Saint of the Internet is ostensibly a book of etymologies.) Anyway, I like this guy here. It kind of looks like one of those big dogs that are always kind of shy and nervous around new people, which I think fits with the description as "gentle". Also like that it apparently has both claws and I think thumbs for the throwing of testicles.

@silverhart-makes-art (link to post here) acknowledges that they're pretty sure they know what this animal is supposed to be, but they're trying to put it out of their heads. I think they've done a very good job of that: this is a pretty naturalistic drawing of a ground-dwelling mammal that doesn't quite look like any real animals, including the one that this entry was based on. The post linked above contains a description of the design decisions behind this critter, which I of course recommend checking out.

@coolest-capybara (link to post here) has, as usual, done a beautifully stylized rendition of this one. She cites the famous unicorn tapestries as inspiration, and I can absolutely see it. I think it's an interesting artistic choice to focus on the hunter rather than the beast in this drawing, but one that absolutely makes sense: the entry doesn't tell us anything about the Kraegrat except how it interacts with hunters. Enjoy your bounty of severed testicles, Sir Hunter... and, um, keep an eye on your dog if you want to make sure you still have all of them when you get home. I think it's contemplating something there. The linked post contains a brief description of design decisions, and also this line, which I enjoyed:

I'd also like to state for the record that when I started this challenge, I was not expecting to draw a field of severed testicles, but here we are. It was more fun than I expected.

@rautavaara (link to post here) has again taken an unusual direction with this one. They describe their interpretation as:

Medicinal plant-like lizard that loses its tail when scared off.

Considering this and the drawing, I think I can see the path of creative interpretation. The animal as presented in the bestiary entry is obviously ridiculous: a mammal that self-castrates to save its life is not an evolutionary success. So what could it be other than that? Well, lizards detach their tails to escape predators; what if there was a lizard with nodules on its tail that medieval people interpreted as testicles?

I can't swear that that is rautavaara's thought process, of course, but it makes sense to me as an interpretation of the material provided, and if that is what they're going for, I think it's quite clever. Also, as usual, the art style here is excellent.

@sweetlyfez (link to post here) explains that her design process consisted of blending together various animal features and then giving it sparkly magic balls, because that's all the entry really provides. Which, fair. Also I appreciate the taste in choosing what I think is "tapir + deer" as the animals to blend here. Those tusks kind of remind me of musk deer, which is actually pretty appropriate, as we'll see later. The facial expression plus the sparkly balls strike me as very funny, I have to say. Good beast.

@karthara (link to post here) was apparently also skeptical about the idea of a self-castrating animal, and if you check out the linked post, you'll see a brief explanation of how they resolved that as well as some other thoughts on design decisions. The gist is that the Kraegrat has decoy testicles, which I love as an interpretation. Fantastic. No further notes.

@cheapsweets (link to post here) has done another ink drawing that is, frankly, delightful. Love the Kraegrat escaping into the Nonspecific Medieval Trees. Love, love, love the hunter getting smacked in the face with a set of thrown testicles while his dog watches. The above linked post also provides an explanation of design decisions which I think is worth reading, go check that out.

@treesurface (link to post here) has drawn us a rat-kangaroo thing (not to be confused with a kangaroo rat) calmly displaying its lack of testicles. Looks fairly good-natured about the situation, really. They provide a brief discussion of their design decisions in the linked post, and also express a desire for more "weird scary beasts" in the future -- so I checked, and while I can't really define what is or isn't a weird scary beast, I think we should get at least one qualifying entry in January.

@pomrania (link to post here) has made the understandable decision that they aren't going to draw animal genitalia today. Fair enough. I also think this is a pretty good depiction of a Mammal that is clearly not any animal we're familiar with -- I'm impressed by how many of the drawings we're getting for this are Plausible Yet Unfamiliar Beasts. Anyway, pomrania provides early sketches and an explanation of design decisions in the linked post. They also express relief that this is not "Yet Another Bird", and I regret to inform you all that there is a small cluster of Bird entries coming our way.

Anyhow, let's take a look at the Aberdeen Bestiary depiction for this one.

I have to say I find this illustration very funny. That bizarre pose where it's wrapped around a tree is good, but what really makes it is the hunters. Look at those two. Spear Guy looks like his eyes are about to bug out of his head, while Axe Guy seems like he's going "hey, is that normal? should we be doing something about that?"

Anyway, as some of you guessed (and as I'm sure more of you picked up from that very accurate Aberdeen illustration above), this is a Beaver.

Yeah, the whole testicle thing is probably a misunderstanding of the castor sacs that beavers use to scent-mark their territory. Castoreum is still used today, mostly in the perfume industry I think, but apparently the medievals had some kind of medicinal use in mind. So the people who surmised that this isn't actually talking about testicles but rather some other anatomical feature that looks like testicles were correct. I have no idea where the idea came from that the beaver would rip them off voluntarily, though.

So! There's this week's bestiaryposting. I will now Retreat to My Chamber and Lay As One Dead (scroll Tumblr in bed until I fall asleep).

[dazed--xx]

Breathless 2

Member: Hyunjin x reader  

Word count: 13.2K

IDOL CAMEOS: Karina-Aespa, Yeji-Itzy, Lia-Itzy, Jinhwan-Monsta X.

Trigger warnings: toxic relationships, ANGST,, fake texts, mentions of drinking/getting black out drunk, mentions of cheating, mentions of marijuana use, crying, arguments, mentions of anxiety. anything else i could have forgotten.

A/N: So this was my original plan with this story. I did write an alt ending because a lot of people asked for a happy ending so if you want a happy ending this is not the fic for you but the two stories are the same until the final confrontation and i will indicate where the alt ending starts, Im still willing to write drabbles for these characters and everything so thank you for enjoying. 

Part 1    Alt. Ending Link

You were grateful for Felix having come into your life. Ever since your break up with Hyunjin, two months ago, He’s been your rock through it. From taking you out anytime you felt you needed to get away, to cuddling with you and watching a movie, and some days like, today, when Hyunjin does reach out to try to talk Felix is the one to usually urge you to at least get closure. You immediately found yourself wandering aimlessly until Felix picked you up and brought you to the beach. But you being sad didn’t mean you didn’t get out of the ‘closure’ lecture.

“You know....”  

Felix trails “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually you deserve an explanation......and closure” you sigh in response, adjusting yourself against the uncomfortable pebbles beneath you. Your eyes trail over the setting sun dancing across the water, waves crashing against the rocks on the shoreline. “I can get an explanation from Ye-na before I get the slightest truth from Hyunjin” Felix flinches at the way you say Hyunjin’s name. He stands in his place almost dumbfounded. “Listen helmet, like honestly, I would 100% agree that what he did was wrong but he looked genuinely heartbroken when you ended things. You should at least hear him out if not for him then for yourself. Wouldn’t you want to know why he cheated?” you shake your head in response. “Why would I ever want to know why?” You growl. “So, you don’t feel like it's your fault, which is what I know you feel.” you force your eyes away from the water “and how could you possibly know that?” you counter. He shrugs in response running his hand through his hair before placing extending out to you “the face you made just told me, but let's get out of here please you know what kind of people hang out around these parts at night” you chuckle in response as you grab his hand “I literally met you right over there” you pointed toward the pier “So they're your kind of people Yongbokie~” you tease.  

His face is flat “Dude they're STILL looking for me”  

It was your turn to shrug “And? Why'd you piss them off” his mouth hangs open “I didn’t purposely piss them off I just.......slept with the leader's sister......” “And?” you urge him to continue “And he walked in okay!” he responds. You couldn’t contain your laughter, “Wait! He saw little yongbokie!” you struggled to regain composure as you approach Felix’s bike. “1! How was I supposed to know he would walk in she said she was going to be home alone for hours she miscalculated. And 2! Don’t name my dick especially a title that implies its little. When it very much isn’t” you roll your eyes at him. “Suuuuurrrrrreeeee” his face forms a scowl. “What? You want to see? Don’t think you’d be able to handle it” he urges, his hand wrapping around your hair forcing your head back pressing your back against his chest. You squeak in responds your face turning toward him “Don't threaten me with a good time” you tease facing him brushing your noses together before running your hand down his torso making your way toward his waistline before his hand grips at your wrist “FINE! Fine! You won this time okay” he jumps. You chuckle in response “Lixie, you act like I don’t win every time you try to play this game with me”  

“You only win because I let you. I have no problems with being a rebound honestly and if I wanted to win, Helmet, you’d have been in my bed the night after you broke up with Hyunjin” He states. “Hmm I'll keep that in mind then” you shrug as he starts his motorcycle. “You know you're quite annoying, even Karina gets somewhat flustered when I talk to her” he snaps. You giggle “Lix, you’re really attractive and honestly at first you definitely made me really blushy but I was with Hyunjin so it was really easy to kind of shrug it off you know?” you state softly. The wind kissing your cheeks. “But, if I ever felt like you know, ready to move on, you’d probably be the first person I'd sleep with” you finish matter of factly. He nods in response “Shit just let me know, I can definitely make you forget all about Hyunjin” He winks biting his bottom lip before hopping onto his bike.  

“But it's cold so you coming or not?”  

______________________________________________________________

You sighed as you walked toward your dorm’s entrance, you weren't excited for Lia’s questioning on why you had randomly left the dorm, completely disappearing while she showered. You dragged your feet as if they were imbedded in cinderblocks, formulating a plan to make a beeline for your bedroom and locking the door. You regret taking the stairs as you enter the door to your floor, your legs aching. Your eyes not leaving the ground as you continue your path to your bed. Your hands fidgeting with your keys, you let out a loud sigh. Finally lifting your eyes as you come close to your door, your heart sinking as you see your ex sitting in front of it. You consider running back toward the stairs before he could notice you, yet luck was not on your side as his eyes find you and he jumps to his feet.  

You freeze in shock, it’s the first time you’ve seen him since you broke up and he didn’t look too good---well he still looked absolutely gorgeous, but you could see the lack of sleep in his eyes. Ghost trails of tears stained on his face, his hair was disheveled and he was still wearing the same clothes from the night you had broken up. Your throat tightens, you felt your fingers tingling; you’re face heated up rapidly. You hated that, even with the pain he’s caused you, he could still make your heart race. You felt your heart ache at the sight of him in pain. Still, there’s a light in his eyes when he looks at you.  

“Bab--Y/N....” his voice is coarse “C-can we talk.... please?”  

His eyes are pleading as he slowly makes his way toward you. You release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, looking toward the ground once again shaking your head. “Y-you need to go...” you mumble. Your eyes notice his shoes now in view, you can feel the heat radiating off him due to his closeness. “Please....I-I just want to talk--I don’t know what else to do. You don’t answer my calls or-or texts. I don’t understand what happened--I feel like I can't breathe” he begs, you feel his hands on your arms igniting a fire in your stomach. You jump at the contact your head whipping to look at him as you force his hands off you. “No.” you state coldly. “You need to leave now, Hyunjin” you shove your way past him to your door. Forcing your key in the lock and turning before you turn back to your ex. “You lost your chance to talk to me the moment you fucked anyone else while we were together. Leave before I call security” “I didn’t--I sw-” his pleads are cut off by you slamming the door behind you.  

Hyunjin stood in shock, tears welling in his eyes. He knew it was going to be hard to get you to forgive him but how could he even begin to try to fix things if you wouldn’t even look at him. His heart clenched in his chest. This isn’t happening...... he thinks to himself. The same words that’s been playing in his head since that fateful night. He didn’t know what else to do, he was so lost. He’s never felt pain like this before and he still couldn’t understand why. He knows what you believe but he still doesn’t even understand what Ye-na told you. And when he confronted Ye-na she just laughed at the ‘irony’ as she had stated boldly. He’d spent countless hours these past two months staring at nothing but his phone screen waiting for something---anything in return from you. Losing you was the last thing he could have ever wanted. He knew he should leave; he knew you wanted him to go, but he couldn’t he needed to try. He needed you to talk to him. With a shaky breath he lifted his phone and immediately pressed the call button of your contact. Pressing his back against your door and sliding down.  

“Fuck......” he cried as he ran his hand through his hair. Of course, you’d reject his call. He wanted to scream, to beg for you to talk to him; his mind flashed to the way you flinched at his touch. He wanted to go back, back to when he first got his chance with you. He'd change everything, he’d appreciate everything he had. He needed to hold you again, if he could go back, he would have stayed every time you’d ask. He’d show you he loves you, because he did—he does. He wishes he’d realized it sooner, anything to just have you back. He hates that he confessed his love when he did. He knows what you probably think, but he needed you to know. He thought it would reassure you that he didn’t want anyone else. His phone buzzed in his hand. His heart lit up at your contact.  

He knew it wasn’t much, but it was something. You responded; he didn’t care it was to tell him to leave. He immediately went to respond, only for his message to be interrupted by a call from Jisung. He sighed to himself as he pressed the answer button. “Hell---Dude, you gotta go home” Jisung interrupted. “What are you talking about?” Hyunjin questioned with faux confusion “I am---no! You're not! you wanna know how I know you’re not?! Because I’m at your place! Dude! Come home, okay? If she wants to talk to then she will but you can't camp out in front of her dorm its honestly fucking creepy!” Jisung exclaims. Hyunjin rolls his eyes, biting his lip. “Fine, just-just stay their asshole”  

“Dope, when you get back, you’re taking a fucking shower and cleaning your room bro this is gross and honestly no girl would even look at you let alone talk to you judging by your place.” Jisung whines.  

“So fucking leave then!” He snaps.  

“See I would, but I’m the hot one now and I just need a second to soak it in so get home while you still look like shit” Jisung exclaims excitedly. And for just a moment, Hyunjin considers murdering his best friend. Scoffing, he quickly ends the call before lifting himself off the ground. He gives one last look at your door before he makes his way back to his dorm, leaving his heart in his place.

______________________________________________________________

Your dance class has been.... awkward to say the least. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, you can feel Ye-na's glare and Hyunjin’s love sick longing stare on you. Jisung still follows Karina around like a lost puppy so you have to sometimes deal with the occasional run in with him. Jisung, as Hyunjin’s best friend, is one of the few that truly knew what was going on in your past relationship. Sometimes you thought he knew even more than you about your own relationship with Hyunjin. He remained polite sometimes looking at you with sad eyes when he notices Hyunjin’s pleading gaze. You questioned as to why he sat here with you when his own best friend sat across the room, not paying attention to his dance partner and focusing on you and only you.  

You honestly felt exceptionally confused. Why was Hyunjin acting like this? A question that’s lingered in your mind for days. He had ignored you for the majority of your relationship, only showing interest a select number of times that didn’t involve sex. You were together for a little over a year and if you were to say you didn’t love him it would be a lie. You loved him, you still love him but he obviously didn’t feel the same if he had seeked out another woman. You hated yourself for not hating Ye-na, you don’t know if she knows you overheard her conversation with her friend but honestly, you owed her a huge thank you. For months you couldn’t figure out how Hyunjin had felt about you, and in a few words, you learned that he did not feel the same way. You didn’t blame her; she wasn’t the one that promised you exclusivity so how could you hold a grudge against someone that got played by the same person. He probably made false promises to her as well, so, why the heartbroken pouty expression that wouldn’t leave his features. You feel like you should at least talk to him, but every time you went to respond to him; Ye-na's words rang through your head. Why would he say you guys were nothing serious and then declare his love for you?  

You had practically the exact same conversation with everyone beside Karina, who had suggested you talk to him, after a certain violent act pertaining to a very vital reproductive organ was performed; which you had considered but immediately shot down. You didn’t want to talk to Jisung about it so you had gone to Changbin, who also told you to talk to Hyunjin and nothing more or less. You felt like pulling your hair out and you knew you’d regret it but you decided to talk to Jisung, he’d have the most knowledge about everything and you were honestly still to hurt to face Hyunjin so this was your best bet. You let out a shaky breath before you stood up and looked at Jisung. “Hey can you come with me to something from the vending machine in the music department?” It was no secret that the vending machine in the music department contained the best snacks and drinks, the foreign stuff. But you hoped that he would understand that there was more to you asking other than you craving things.

The confused look on your face told you he didn’t catch it, “Why?” He asked, Karina slapped the back of his head “Ouch! Why’d you do that?” He whined rubbing his injury “Because you’re stupid. Bring her genius! she can't get into the department without a music major” She snapped as she rolled her eyes. His cheeks heat up in embarrassment “Sorry” he apologized as he stood from his place. You felt eyes burning on you and Jisung as you made your way out of the studio. You look at Jisung quizzically as you notice him looking across the room before almost crashing into the door if you didn’t pull him out the door behind you. “Jesus, Han I think you’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached” you tease, raising your eyebrow to him. He chuckles in embarrassment as he fixes his shirt “Sorry, I was—Hyu--I got distracted” He looks away as he stammers.  

“That’s actually why I wanted to go to the music department. You’re Hyunjin’s best friend you probably know way more than me about---Y/N I told you I don’t know if what Ye-na said is true” He cuts you off. You shake your head rapidly “No that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about”  

“Oh” He states in confusion “well then.... what about Hyunjin did you want to talk to me about?”

“Well, as you probably know I still haven’t talked to him about things, BUT the night we broke up. He said something that has me really confused” You explain. “Well....what did he say? I can’t really help you unless I know, you know?” He states softly, you pause for a moment “He told me he loves me.” Jisung’s eyes widen “He finally confessed?! And He didn’t even tell me?! I’m supposed to be his best friend, his ride or die, and he doesn’t even tell me that” he exclaims in betrayal. You snap in his face while he continues his rant “Hanji, Focus. So, you do at least know how he feels then” Jisung shakes his head at you “Oh no no no little lady, Karina warned me this talk was coming. It's not my place to tell you how Hyunjin feels about you. You need to talk to him if you want answers” You scoff “Karina told you to say that?”  

“No! I’m saying it!” Jisung exclaims “Honestly Y/N, I’m his best friend he’s not doing okay in all of this and He wants to tell you how he feels and what you mean to him. And as his best friend and knowing how he feels I know he needs to be the one to tell you. You think you’re the only one hurt right now but you’re not. My best friend is going through his first ever break up, and he’s heartbroken. And I’m not making excuses for him, you had a good reason to break up with him he promised you loyalty and he didn’t keep that promise I guess but let’s be real here you know the kind of guys we are. Were you really surprised? You probably thought this would have happened anyway because let's be honest here me and Hyunjin aren’t built for relationships. I don’t know if he’s ever cheated on you like for real but I do know that I wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed if it turns out he did if I were you.”  He states honestly, as his hand grasps your shoulder stopping you. “So, what? I should forgive him if he did?” You question. Jisung shakes his head “No, you shouldn’t honestly just cause I’m that kind of guy doesn’t mean I'd say you should forgive him. If he cheated dump his ass and move on you want loyalty, you’re that kind of girl.”  

“So, I should......?” you prod.  

“Talk to Hyunjin Y/N” Jisung scoffs

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin didn’t know why he had done it, honestly, he knew why he’d done it but he doesn’t know exactly what could come of him messaging Felix; But he knew one thing for sure, he was running out of options. He was losing his mind thinking of ways to get you to talk to him, He knew Felix would at least have some insight into how you were feeling, judging by your social media, you’ve been with Felix every day since the breakup. Your friendship with Felix had always brought an uncomfortable ache in Hyunjin’s chest. He’d realized you deserved better than himself long before you had met Felix, but it wasn’t until after that Hyunjin realized you deserved someone like Felix. He could see that glint in your eye every time you talked to him and it always made Hyunjin feel like throwing up. That is until you had broken up with him and Felix had messaged him almost immediately that he had brought you home, that you were safe and needed time. Hyunjin had realized, in the short time he’s spent talking to him, that Felix truly cared for you so much so that he’d continuously update Hyunjin on your condition. Hyunjin hated himself for ruining things so much that he couldn’t be with you anymore, but at least he had a way to make sure you were okay, at least he had Felix.  

So, Hyunjin used his last hail Mary and messaged him to see if he would want to get something to eat and talk, only to be eagerly surprised when Felix had agreed. So here Hyunjin sat, in a pizza restaurant that Felix had picked out, his eyes focused on the cream-colored table. His hands holding onto each other while his arms rested on his shaky legs. What would Felix say? Hyunjin wondered. He wanted to ask your dance partner how you were, if you were doing okay, what you were thinking about when it came to your relationship, did you feel like a part of you was missing too. He couldn’t even touch the pizza he had ordered. He felt nauseous waiting for Felix. His breath was shaky when he heard the chair in front of him scoot out. His eyes slowly lift to be greeted by the warmest smile. Hyunjin could see why you went to Felix every day for comfort, from just his friendly smile alone Hyunjin felt himself calming down. “S-so, uh, y-you're probably wondering why I asked you to come here” Hyunjin stammered. “Well, technically I picked this place but sure I guess, I figured you probably wanted to talk about Y/N you know?” Felix chuckled as he reached for Hyunjin’s soda, “You don’t mind, do you?” Felix questioned, Hyunjin stared at him in shock and shook his head no.  

“No-well—yes, I want to talk about her but it's not just for that reason!” Hyunjin explained nervously “Look, I know how she feels right now and I know I’m the reason for that, but I just want---no I need to explain. I don’t know if she’d forgive me, but I fucking hate that I hurt her and I just-I need her back. She was the best thing that’s happened to me and I fucked it all up and I don’t know how to fix it and I hate myself for not knowing what to do right now. In the past I would have just said fuck it and moved on and just forgot about her. ----sigh----but I can’t. I can’t just move on; I can’t just act like she never existed. I love her and I need her to know that. I won't fuck this up again if she gave me a chance but she won't talk to me and I feel so fucking lost without her” Hyunjin felt tears well up in his eyes the longer he continued, soon his eyes never left Felix’s face “and you’ve been so nice to me, you don’t know me and you know how badly I've hurt her, and she’s your friend so you should hate me but you came here and-and you let me know that she’s safe. And I know she’s safe when she’s with you. You didn’t have to do any of this but you did and I owe you a lot honestly and I don’t know how to repay you” Felix’s features twist into a cognitive look.  

“Well, the only thing I want, and I think Y/N wants, is the truth of if you did cheat on her with Ye-na” Felix responds stoically

“she’s the only person I'll answer that question to” Hyunjin groans rubbing his temples “If she’d ever talk to me”  

“You ever try just explaining”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I mean, genius, you ever try just texting her your explanation and just hope she reads it?” Felix suggests. Hyunjin sat there with a dumbfounded look on his face “You’re a fucking idiot” Felix groans as Hyunjin shakes his head. Why had he never thought of that? “Instead of wasting your time begging her to talk to you and let you explain. You should just explain. If she responds, she responds, if she doesn’t then, well, at least you explained yourself.”  

______________________________________________________________

You don’t know what you were thinking when you decided clubbing with Karina, especially for the first time, was a terrible idea. The dress Karina put you in was WAY too form fitting and very short. The music was exceptionally loud, vibrating the room with its pulsing beat and the guys were......eh, from trashy pick-up lines, to just grinding against you while you danced. At this moment, you longed for the days where Jisung would flirt with you, at least there was.... well, finesse, if you had to choose a word for it. If you had to give anything to your ex and his friends they definitely knew how to flirt and get a girl to go home with them, and not due to just their devilishly handsome faces, they had an aura around them that spewed confidence and experience. But instead, here you stood, with a handsome guy yet you felt bored. You find yourself comparing him to Hyunjin a lot. He talks about himself a lot, Hyunjin didn’t do that at least he’d seem interested in you when you guys were together; this guy didn’t. You think his name was Ji-Han or Jin-Hwan or something. When he brushes a stray hair out of your face you notice the couple ring on his finger, you pull your head away from his touch when you feel an arm snake around your waist pulling you back toward their figure. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t touch my girlfriend” a familiar deep voice stated from behind you. The guy stood in shock, before Felix pulled you farther down the bar.  You stare at him eyes widen; you bite your lip in embarrassment when you see the scowl on his face.  

You think Felix, may be your guardian angel, you immediately wrap your arms around his neck; thanking him profusely. You felt him shake his head before wrapping his arms around your waist lifting you slightly. “You’re lucky you’re cute” He groans before he lets you go and ruffles your hair. “Why you so mad? Wait! Why are you here? Not that I don’t completely adore you but weren’t you with someone?” you question, his cheeks heat up with a pinkish glow before he shrugs. You gasp “Did you get rejected?”  

“No!” He snaps, his scowl returning.  

“Yongbokie~ say it isn’t so... you got rejected?” You tease.  

His arms quickly wrap around your waist and presses your back against the bar. He brushes his lips against your cheek, you feel your face heat up when he places a soft peck on your cheek. “Do you think I’m the type to get rejected?” He nudges. His face makes its way toward your neck, his lips brushing over it gently. You feel yourself growing wetter by the minute. “Uh-I-I-Aww, Helmet cat got your tongue?” Felix cuts you off as he pulls back. Your eyes form a glare before you shove him back “You’re annoying” you groan. He smiles widely, his eyes forming crescents as he scrunches his nose. “You finally reacted though” He states proudly. Rolling your eyes “Yeah sure” you argue. “You did though...” He whines.  

“Sure, Lix whatever you say” You deny behind red flushed cheeks.  

“Deny it all you want but you want me, Helmet. I know I’m probably your ideal type but you have to control yourself Y/Nie. I’m supposed to be your best friend” He teases. You shake your head at his antics. “You can't kiss me, okay?” he continues. You fake a gag, before shoving him back, and allow your eyes to drift around the room. Though it was just more of Felix’s harmless playful flirting, it still felt wrong to have him so close to you. You knew it was stupid but your heart still longed for Hyunjin. It’s not that you didn’t enjoy Felix touching you, you just wished it was someone else. You hate that you longed for his touch, his lips, his everything. You knew what you had heard from Ye-na but you didn’t know if it was even true. The night you had broken up he said it wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t lie to try to get you to stay. You wish you weren’t so.... fragile. The Ye-na situation had derailed you off track and you’re having a damn hard time getting back on it again. Felix was a great guy, he seemed like the type to be loyal if he was to be in a relationship. Sure, he was flirty while single but you also know that before returning to Seoul; he was in a long-term relationship that didn’t end well. So, who could blame him for enjoying the single life. “Can we find Karina?” You plead.  

He nods taking a hold of your hand before leading you through the crowd. “I saw her by the booths before I got you” Felix states. You grasp his hand tightly as you make your way through the horde of sweaty bodies, making sure to avoid any spilling drinks. You couldn’t understand how this could be fun to anyone. You could barely hear anything, there was a cluster fuck of people, and the guys are creeps. You would appreciate the experience but this will not be repeated. You’re pulled out of your thoughts as you collide with Felix’s back. You notice him bent over, laughter spilling from his mouth as he slaps his knee. “Oh, this is too funny!” He cackles as he pulls out his phone and takes repeated pictures. Your eyes follow his line of vision only to be met with Karina placed on someone’s lap, their lips interlocked, her hand pulling his hair. You gasp in shock as they pull away. Your hand smacks over your mouth, “Jisung!” you exclaim as you dash toward the pair “Oh my god! Felix is going to have so much fun with this I’m telling you”  

“Fun!? Dude, its already in the group chat. Yeji and Lia are dying” Felix exclaims between fits of laughter. Karina rolls her eyes “What? The guys are absolutely lame here and at least with Captain Thinks with his dick over here the corny flirting comes with a good reputation in bed.” She shrugs as she lifts herself off Jisung’s lap before leaning over and pressing her lips against Jisung’s once more “I’m going to the bathroom” she waves as she makes her way through the crowd. You take a seat next to Jisung. “So... when did, uh, this happen?” you question. “Honestly, I think like 15 minutes ago. She texted me said she was bored. I asked where she was. She told me. I came and uh next thing you know—Ehm- yeah" Jisung stammered behind blushed cheeks. “Oh, so you came.... alone?” Jisung nods. “that’s brave of you, it's pretty boring now I don’t know how you’d have a good time here” you whine. Jisung chuckles “Cause you’re supposed to be buzzed, doll”  

“I’ve had like 2 drinks” you argue.  

“What? Some fruity mixed drink that’s probably watered down?”  

“So, then what should I drink?”  

A mischievous smile forms on Jisung’s lips “Shots!”

______________________________________________________________

Note to self: Never go clubbing with Jisung again.  

You were drunk.

So, fucking drunk.  

He was right though; you were definitely having fun in the beginning. He lived up to his party reputation and you had the most fun you’ve had in a while. After the first shot, you felt warm as the liquid burned your throat. The second you took in quick succession as per Jisung’s advice. Your fingers felt tingly and the burning sensation wasn’t so bad. The third shot came after about 10 minutes, when the room stopped rocking. You had to give it up to Jisung, he definitely tried to make you pace yourself. But shots four, five, and six came and went while Karina decided she wanted to continue more of what they had started previously and Felix had found a friend for the night.  

You regret not taking his advice as the room began spinning. You stagger your way out the door after sending a quick text to Karina and Felix explaining you were going home and getting an uber. If was cold outside you didn’t know, your body felt so hot. Your hair was way too long as it tickled your lower back. But in your drunken state of mind, you stare at your home screen you have yet to change and you find yourself dialing Hyunjin’s number. “Hell---Hello?!” His voice answers timidly. “Hyunnie~” you slur. “Babe, are you okay?” He inquires. You shake your head “No...Jisung helped me get drunk”  

“He fucking what?!” Hyunjin growls. “Well, he told me to-to go slow but I didn’t it was so much fun Hyunnie. But I miss you so it wasn’t fun” You whine. “I miss you too baby” he confesses “So fucking much” his voice cracks. “I have to go home” you slur, pressing your back against the wall. “Where are you? How are you getting home?” There was concerned laced in his tone. “I don’t know” you shrug to yourself. “You don’t know where you are? Or you don’t know how you’re getting home?” He questions worriedly. “No, I’m at octagon club. I told Karina and Felix I'd get an uber but—sigh--I want to walk but the world is spinning.”  

“You’re not walking home” He declares. “I’ll be there in 5”  

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin was going to kill Han Jisung. He was as good as dead, not only had you gotten completely fucking blasted by what Hyunjin could tell. But his dear best friend has yet to be heard from. Hyunjin raged the whole way to the club, running almost every stop sign he came across. Hyunjin wanted to strangle Jisung a fuck ton more when he saw you sat on the ground, your head in your hands as you continued to struggle remain upright. Hyunjin barely came to a stop before he was putting the car in park and rushing toward you with a call of your name. His heart stopped in his chest as your head whipped up and you greeted him with the most beautiful smile.  

“Hyunnie~!” you called as you reached out to him struggling to lift yourself off the ground. He quickly rushed to your side; taking a hold of your hand before wrapping his arms around your waist pulling you into his frame. He was taken aback when he felt your arms snake around his neck, you press your chest against his. He can’t help himself but to tighten his grip on you. He felt everything stop. Fuck everything about you was absolutely perfect. He buries his face in your neck, he sighs. “Wow! Your hairs black!” you exclaim surprise in your tone.He can only nod in response. He knows it's wrong, you were drunk and you 100% did not want to see him let alone have him touch you but, you were so fucking adorable and he missed this so fucking much that he needed to hold onto it for as long as he could. Fuck Jisung, fuck this club, and Hyunjin won't begin to think about all the guys that probably thought they had a chance with you in this dress cause holy fuck! For this moment, things were back to the way they were before. He hated that he had to end it, but you needed to get home and out of the cold. You were probably so drunk you didn’t notice how freezing it was.  

His fingers brushed your hair away from your face, placing his hands over your cheeks. “It's so cold out baby let me take you home, hmm?” He urged. You nod in response. Your fingers played with his as he walked you to his car. You whined as he removed his hand from yours “I have to open the door, princess” he whispers as he softly strokes your cheek before helping you into the passenger seat and buckling you up; while turning to close the door, he feels your hand wrap around his forearm. “Where are you going?” you query, worry filling your eyes. A sad smile forms on his lips, he caresses your cheek eyes finding yours. “I have to drive, silly girl” he explains softly. Your eyes stay connected for what feels like forever. He wants to remember your face right now forever. Your eyes telling of your love for him, the light pink blush gracing your cheeks. You were absolutely beautiful.

Hyunjin contemplates just closing the door and just going into the driver's seat as he feels the familiar feeling of your soft, velvet lips. He holds back a moan at the unexpected kiss, but responds almost instantly. Hyunjin missed this too, the feeling of your lips on his. Your mouths move in sync. Your tongue pokes out from your lips making its way into Hyunjin’s mouth and moan as your tongues connect. A sound that sends a shock straight down and suddenly his pants felt exceptionally tight. He was lost in the feeling, so much so that he almost forgot, you wouldn’t want this if you were sober; but as your fingers gripped his hair and he heard the familiar whines he knew this is where the line needed to be drawn. The last thing Hyunjin wanted to do was take advantage of your drunken state. And as much as he truly did miss how amazing the sex was, he knew that you’d never talk to him again if he continued; so, reluctantly, He pulls away and makes his way over to drivers' side and gets in.

The ride to your dorm was awkward to say the least. He had so much he wanted to say, apologies sit on the tip of his tongue. At this moment, Felix’s words rang through his head. Hyunjin felt as if he should just explain. You were sitting right there; sure, you were drunk and your reaction probably wouldn’t be the best right now but at least he’d get the chance to explain. He could feel your eyes burning into him and he wasn’t sure if you could tell but Hyunjin’s heart was racing. He practically jumped when he felt your hand snake onto his thigh making its way toward his member. Reacting quickly his hand wraps around your wrist “Whoa! What are you doing?” He exclaims. Did Hyunjin want you to practically beg for him again? Of course. But you were drunk and he was probably the last person you’d want to sleep with when sober. He loved you too much to let you do something you’d probably regret. “I miss you...” You pout. His resolve almost melts when he sees the puppy dog look in your eyes.  

“I miss you too baby but you don’t want to do this right now....” He whispers. He thanks God as he pulls into your dorm parking lot. “You’re home” he states softly as he takes your hand into his. You stare at your dorm before your eyes drift back to him. He notices the tears in your eyes, your hands are shaky. “What’s wrong?” He inquires. “I don’t want to go...I’m so fucking hurt-you hurt me so bad.” You cried “But I don’t want to go” Your eyes connected; He felt his heart break all over again “You don’t understand how fucking sorry I am. I love you I swear I love you so fucking much, I never meant to hurt you baby. I’m so fucking sorry” His voice cracks as he holds your hand tightly against his chest. His eyes never leave yours. “But we can’t have this conversation right now, you’re drunk you need sleep. I promise tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything.” He promises. Your eyes flash back to your dorm, before you nod.  

“Tomorrow...”  

______________________________________________________________

You regret getting so drunk last night.

You had a massive migraine and you felt so fucking nauseous. But at least you could still remember most of your night, besides the walk to your dorm. Were you embarrassed? No not really.  

Did you regret it?......you weren’t sure. You had definitely appreciated Hyunjin not accepting your advances. BUT were you feeling up to talking to him today? No, and not cause you were still angry at this point you were more confused; but because you were 100% hungover. So, you instead of immediately texting Hyunjin to set up a time to talk, you took some Tylenol and rushed to the campus café. You quickly regretted running as you collide with the petite figure of someone coming out of the door. “I’m so sorry I should have been paying attention” You apologize reaching toward the girl, freezing in shock as you come face to face with Ye-na She went to snap a response before she mouths an ‘oh’ and taking your hand. With a shaky breath your grasp on her tightens “C-can we talk?” you ask shyly. She nods with a hesitance following you back into the café.  

The vibe was awkward and off as you both sipped your coffee silently, eyes looking everywhere around the room but at each other. “So, what’d you want to talk about?” “So did you know I was in the room that night?” You both question at the same time. You giggle at the timing. “That was impeccable timing” Ye-na chuckles before taking a sip of her coffee before continuing “But to answer your question, honestly, no. I didn’t.” she sighs. You nod in response before taking another sip of your coffee “Woul-would you have still said what you said if you did?”  

She ponders on your question for a moment before she lets out a heavy sigh “If you want the truth?” you nod in response “well then, no I wouldn’t have.” She answers matter of factly. You look at her confused “Why not?”  

“Well, the night you over heard me a few minutes before Hyunjin had kinda lost his shit on me. Again. Told me to leave him alone and to stop calling and texting him because what happened was a mistake and he loved you so he needed me to stop” She confesses. “But you said---oh I know what you heard, but he told me that months ago. Like right around the summer, I’m not gonna lie and say what I did was right too Y/N. And even though, me and Hyunjin had what we had. I never wanted to be the one to tell you that. I’m pretty surprised you haven’t lost your shit on me yet honestly”

You shrug. “You weren’t my boyfriend.”  

“So?” She counters before crossing her arms over her chest “Not to be a bitch or anything but I 100% knew about you; and just didn’t care honestly. See, here’s your problem Y/N cause obviously no one will give it to you straight. I’m not the only girl Hyunjin’s been with while he was with you. His reputation follows him and every single one of us knew what it was. Just like you probably did before you two made things official. I didn’t care he had a girlfriend, I didn’t care about your feelings, and I didn’t care if you gave a shit or not. I wanted a good time and he gave that to me for a bit and eventually I started caring. I hate myself for what I did but still I never wanted you to find out, especially when we were put in the same class. Like let's be real here no one would ever want to admit to the girlfriend of the guy you're hanging out with that you got rejected.”  

Your mouth hangs open at her honesty. You weren’t sure what to say, and while you appreciated her brazenness, you felt your blood boiling. “So is side chick your full-time gig or are you just on call?” you snap. She chuckles, almost to herself before her face falls flat. She crosses her right leg over her left before letting her arm fall into her lap holding up her chin “See, I knew you had some fire in you. Look, you asked I answered what you do with that is beyond me.” Your hangover long forgotten, and a fire in your eyes. “So what? You wanted to just be on the side until you got bored?” she shakes her head “Oh no, I’ll be real here, I saw the way Hyunjin looked at you. I knew at some point he’d realize what a dumbass he was being and it’d eventually stop; but, I was enjoying it while it lasted. He called things off months ago” To say you were now beyond confused would be an understatement, and while her reputation is definitely accurate about her bitchiness, she seemed honest. You heard something you weren’t supposed to, something that set the spark that ignited the flame behind your rage that night.  

“So, is that all?...or can I go?”

______________________________________________________________

Yeji and Lia were quite the pair.  

Apart from you and Karina, they were absolutely hilarious when they got together, they always seemed to make you laugh; and with Karina completely in the wind and flaking on your group's traditional hangover chill day-the first one in your honor by the way-you were left partner less until Yeji came over with Felix in tow. You and Lia couldn’t contain your laughter as Yeji dragged Felix into your living room with Karina’s matching bright lilac hairband across his head. “Oh, no fair why am I purple? Lia’s green?” Felix whines as he stomps his foot in place. “What’s wrong with purple?” Lia questions “and this is aquamarine” she declares with a point to her headband. “Purples for girls switch with me” He cries. “No!” Lia proclaims.

“Pleeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeee”

“Hmmmmmm......No”

“Pwease”

“How bout no”  

“Pl--Holy Fuck! Felix if you say please again my head will explode. Switch with me” You growl, pulling your headband off and holding it out toward him. “Ooo Pink!” He exclaims excitedly. Yeji giggles as she finishes setting up her portable projector. “Felix?” she calls. His eyes are bright as he smiles in her direction “Yeah?” “You’re adorable” She smiles as she makes her way over to your couch ruffling his hair as she takes a seat next to him. He forms his hands in the shape of a heart before separating them and placing each half of the heart on his cheeks.  “Ahhh! Felix-oppa! I love you!  you’re the best idol in the world” You tease. Lia grips your hands as she joins in on your teasing. “Felix-oppa! Give us a song oppa!” you laugh as you and Lia jump in circles. “Ha.Ha.Ha. You’re both top tier comedians” Felix groans. “Lix, what do you mean? You literally rejected that scout from JYP” You ask whispering the JYP as you release yourself from Lia and make your way over to the couch. “I mean I don’t think being an idol would be for me”  

“Oh, come on Lix it was a joke” Lia whines “Yeah besides you could definitely be an idol. You’re an amazing dancer, you got the image for it” You mention. “And personality” Yeji adds. “Yeah! You have an awesome personality for an idol too, your fans would probably call you something adorable like sunshine or something cause of your personality” Felix blushes, bringing his hands to his face hiding. “Stop~!” He whines in embarrassment. You roll your eyes “Fine....so what are we doing first Yeji.” a mischievous smile forms on her lips “Well......” she giggles before she pulls out 4 mics from her bag.  

“OH, COME ON!” Felix shouts

______________________________________________________________

“Baby, Nal teojil geotcheoreom anajwo, Geuman saenggakae mwoga geuri eoryeowo Geojinmalcheoreom kiss-haejwo naega neoege, Majimak sarangin geotcheoreom Majimakcheoreom (Yeah) ma-ma-majimakcheoreom (Yeah) Majimak bamin geotcheoreom love Majimakcheoreom (Yeah) ma-ma-majimakcheoreom (Yeah) Naeil ttawin eomneun geotcheoreom love” You guys sang. You laughed internally as you and Felix also did the choreography and ended up facing each other in Lisa’s part of the choreography. You smile in victory as the words WINNER flash across yours and Felix’s screen.  

“What’s the next song?” Felix giggles to Yeji. She shrugs “I don’t know it's your turn to choose Lixie” she states as she hands him her phone so he can go through the catalog. You take a seat on the couch with a heavy breath as Lia takes a seat next to you. “I don’t know how that boy has so much energy after last night” you groan. Lia gives a small giggle “He’s not human that’s why” she suggests. You ponder her statement for a moment “True” you both chuckle to yourselves. “But I actually just wanted to see how you were doing you know? You still haven’t really told me how your talk with Ye-na went. Or if you are actually going to meet with Hyunjin later”  

You sigh at her words “Well, I’m okay honestly. And my talk with Ye-na went.......fine.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I mean she lives up to her reputation of being a grade A bitch.” You explain “But at least I got what I think is the truth from her” Lia stares at you dumbfounded. “And what about Hyunjin?” You shrug “What about him? Honestly, I was going to talk to him tonight which honestly, I’m not particularly ready to see him, especially after what I did last night....”  

“Girl what did you do last night?!”  

“Nothing crazy, just tried to get Hyunjin to sleep with me” You groan in embarrassment. “YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?” Lia exclaims. Yeji’s and Felix’s eyes flash to you “Slept with who?” Yeji questions. You shake your head rapidly “No one. Nothing” you give Lia a glare, she sinks in her seat with her hand placed over her mouth. “Y/N who’d you sleep with?” Yeji urged. “No one honestly I just TRIED to sleep with someone and thank god they weren’t an asshole and knew I was drunk” You explain your glare not leaving Lia’s face. She mouthed a sorry before Twice’s Dance the Night Away played through your speakers. Felix jumped as he quickly paused the song “Sorry.” You, Lia, and Yeji laughed at the sudden interruption.  

“Felix you’re so cute”  

______________________________________________________________

Hyunjin couldn’t help but be on edge all day.  

You hadn’t texted or called and its almost 5, he felt himself slowly falling into insanity. His leg shaking rapidly as he checked his phone for what felt like the hundredth time today. Why hadn’t you texted? Hyunjin felt his heart racing as Changbin and Seungmin, Hyunjin’s dorm mate, shouted as they played their game. Hyunjin was nervous at how things would go, and while he knew the chances of you forgiving him were slim, he hoped you would give him another chance. He knew how badly he continuously fucked up before but he’d be different. He hopes you can remember how things had changed before you had left him, that you can see he does love you and he’d never do anything else to ruin it.  

He watched as the clock went up a minute. Then another, then another before his screen timed out. “Why don’t you just call her?” Changbin suggested pulling Hyunjin out of his thoughts. “Huh?” He called in confusion. Changbin and Seungmin look at each other before laughing. “Call her” The older male suggests. “I have remember? She doesn’t answer” He responds sarcasm dripping off his words. “Wasn’t that before she agreed to talk to you today though?” Seungmin asks. Hyunjin nods slowly “I don’t want to harass her though, what if she changed her mind?”  

“Then she’s a bitch for not letting you know” Seungmin snaps.

“Hey! Don’t talk about her like you know her” He warns.  

Seungmin rolls his eyes, before focusing back on the game. “I’m just saying she got your hopes up for nothing if she changed her mind, the least she could do is at least let you know that you two won't be talking today and she needs more time”  

“You act like she owes him anything honestly” Changbin mumbles, but Hyunjin heard it. He knew his friend was mad at how things played out, Changbin was big on loyalty and honesty. Even though, Hyunjin was one of his best friends it didn’t mean Changbin would hide his anger at Hyunjin’s treatment of you during the beginning of your relationship. The night you ended things whilst Jisung comforted him, Changbin tried to contain his laughter. His ‘I told you so’s’ became a daily routine for Hyunjin. Hyunjin couldn’t blame him though, Changbin had warned him to stop messing with you and take things seriously. Hyunjin could only wish he could go back and listen to him. If he did, he wouldn’t be in the situation he’s in now. You’d still be his. He’d still be able to call you if he just wanted to hear your voice. He wishes he could go back and kick his past self’s ass. Scream at him how fucking terrible it is without you. Changbin was right, you didn’t owe him anything, so Hyunjin sat quiet staring at your contact hoping something---anything would come through from it.  

Hyunjin’s gaze was pulled away by Changbin snatching his phone. Panic filled his chest “Wait! What are you doing?” he called as he went to grab his phone back. Seungmin jumps from his place on the couch standing between him and Changbin. “I’m calling Y/N” Changbin confesses as he presses the phone to his ear. “NO! No” He cries “Please dude I’m not kidding----Hello? Y/N? Yeah, its Changbin” Hyunjin’s eyes widen as he can hear your voice through the phone “Hang up! I’m not kidding Hang up” He pleaded tears practically blinding him as he struggled against Seungmin hold. “Oh yeah Hyunjin is right here, yeah I mean it’s a little weird I guess but I don’t have your number so...” Changbin winked at him, Hyunjin felt as if he would combust. “Oh, I mean he’s kinda tied up right now but I could definitely get him to meet you there.” Hyunjin froze in his place as Changbin continued “Yeah I think he’ll be there before that but yeah that works” “What’s she saying?” He whispers, Changbin holds his finger up. “Okay, but you should definitely text me Y/Nie~ who else is going to help me with.......you know what” The male whined.  

“Help you with what?” Hyunjin whispered.

Changbin shushed him “Well it was nice talking to you I’ll see you later bye Y/Nie~” Hyunjin stared at Changbin dumbfounded as he hung up the phone and handed it to him. “You guys got chips?” Changbin questioned casually. Hyunjin’s lips parted as he stood there with his phone in his hand, staring at Changbin. “Well....” He urged. Changbin looked at him confused.  

“Well, what?”  

“What did she say?”  

“She wants to talk to you” Changbin shrugged.  

Hyunjin’s eyes widen “And you were going to what? Just not tell me?!” He quickly started looking for his keys and wallet. Grabbing a bucket hat and hoodie in the process. The muscular male chuckled to himself as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I was, when it was a few minutes before she said cause, I knew If I said anything you’d race out the door like you’re trying to do now besides you don’t even know where she wants you to meet her” Hyunjin stops in his tracks, “Where?” Changbin shrugs, Hyunjin pouts and stomps his foot “Tell meeeeee” he whines. And while Hyunjin knows he sounds pathetic; he’s not going to waste any more time. If there was a way to fix things then he was going to do it. But with his friend knowing him way too well and you saying a specific time Hyunjin knew he would have to wait. With that in mind, he stomped his way over to the couch. A pout on his lips, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared daggers at Changbin. Hyunjin wasn’t sure how much time went by as Changbin played on his phone ignoring Hyunjin’s death glare.  

“Her apartment, 5 minutes” He states with a smug smirk on his lips and a wink.  

“5 MINUTES!?” Hyunjin cries as he jumps from the couch and rushes toward the door.

“YOU ACT LIKE YOU WONT BE THERE IN TWO!!” He hears Changbin call as he sprints out the door.

______________________________________________________________

You paced back and forth as the clock got closer and closer to 6.  

Your heart was performing a full drum solo in your chest, your palms were sweaty and you felt like you were underwater. While you found it odd that Changbin had called you from Hyunjin’s phone you were grateful for him being the one to actually let Hyunjin know when to come talk. You had put it off for most of the day and after your conversation with Ye-na you were still utterly confused on what the entire truth was. You were happy Lia was willing to hang out at Yeji’s place while you and Hyunjin talked. You were also exceptionally grateful for Karina for having dropped off a bottle of vodka and encouraged you to do a shot; cause while you did feel anxious, at least you still felt brave enough to have this conversation. You weren’t sure what Hyunjin would say and you didn’t know what your relationship would be after tonight. There were two things you were sure about 1. Your relationship with Hyunjin was toxic and things would have to change drastically if you were to take him back. And 2. you still loved him despite the way he had treated you; you still loved him. You poured another shot, along with drinking you’ve picked up another bad habit since your break up with Hyunjin, smoking. And no, not something disgusting like cigarettes but you do find yourself lighting up a blunt and taking a couple of drags here and there.  

You enjoyed the calming feeling that came from marijuana. With your anxiety through the roof and having had a panic attack in front of him, Yeonjun from your dance class hooked you up with his guy. For the first day or two, you only smoked with Yeonjun in his dorm. But when Felix began questioning the nature of your friendship with Choi Yeonjun, knowing his bad boy reputation, you began to slowly distance yourself from Yeonjun. Felix found out shortly after about your little habit but promised not to say anything to anyone else. You found yourself surprised when your new smoking buddy became Felix. Only smoking when you felt huge bouts of anxiety coming on and you needed to calm down. Your pulled away from your thoughts as a series of rapid knocks came to your door. You jumped in a panic quickly putting the blunt out on your tongue before stashing it away under a magazine on the coffee table. “Shit” You groaned as you tried to fan the smoke away. You rush to the door almost tripping over your shoes before you pull the door open with a sigh. You stare down your ex as your chest heaves, you notice him leaning against the door frame struggling to catch his breath “You, okay? You look like you ran a marathon” Hyunjin struggled to get out in-between gasps.  

“You’re one to talk” You counter gesturing to him. You notice suspicion in his eyes “What’s that smell?” your heart sinks in your chest. “What? Oh, yeah Felix got me into those incense things recently” you lie “trust me babe I’ve been to plenty of parties to know what weed smells like so try that again” Hyunjin calls your bluff. You swallow nothing, you find yourself growing irritated at the smug smirk on his lips. When you were together you would have immediately cracked and probably told him everything, but now, oh now you wanted to whip that smirk off his face “Are you going to keep interrogating me? Or are we going to talk about what we actually need to talk about?” You snap. “And don’t act like you have a right to ask me anything personal right now” His whole confident demeanor is washed away by your words; you notice the panic in his eyes as he stands straight; the smirk no longer on his lips instead there sat a small pout. “Fine...can I come in or is that question too personal too?”  You roll your eyes before stepping to the side and allowing him entry.  

“Soo, where is it then huh?” He asks casually.  

“Where’s what?”  

He chuckles at your question “Nothing” his eyes drift around the room. You and Lia hadn’t changed much in the time since he’s last been here, beside the smell of marijuana, it was pretty much the same. He notices the one magazine out of place and glances in your direction. “What? What are you looking for?” You question, irritation leaks into your tone. “Your weed” He shrugs. You two stand across the room for what felt like hours, just staring at each other. Your eyes in a battle with one another, eventually you realize he’s not going to let this go and you wanted answers so with a heavy heart you roll your eyes before making your way over to the coffee table and toss the magazine to the side. “There. Happy?” You groan frustrated before falling back onto your couch. “Ecstatic” He replies sarcastically. “Like come on Y/N you really thought I'd be okay with you doing that?”  

“You don’t do weed, Hyunjin”  

“That’s not my fucking point Y/N and you know it! Why are you smoking in the first place?”  

You couldn’t help but laugh “If you gave any of a shit during our relationship, you’d know I have an anxiety disorder.” You lean forward grabbing the vodka bottle and pour yourself a shot. “I did give a shit.” “What? When I broke up with you? I mean come on” You toss the shot back swallowing it whole “You didn’t give a shit not for a long time” Hyunjin stood in place dumbfounded. This is not how this conversation was supposed to go, but right now at least it was something, and even though he was raging at the idea of you being high right now he had to give it you; you were right, he didn’t know you had an anxiety disorder. Why didn’t he know that? “Look I know I fucked up, but I care about you and I know what can happen if you’re high and just not paying attention”  

“I smoke when I’m home or with.... someone I’m not stupid.”  

“Someone? Who Felix?”  

“No....just...someone”  

“Well, someone is going to get their ass kicked so Y/N needs to let me know who”  

“Why?”  

Hyunjin’s jaw was clenched, you’ve never been this difficult and it was hard for him not to let his jealousy show. He needed to know who the fuck got you to smoke and he needed to teach them to stay in their place. “Fuck Y/N! Just tell me!” He growls, his fists clenched. “No! I don’t have to tell you shit! You're going to ruin my connect. Why don’t you go question Ye-na or any of the other sluts you cheated on me with?” Hyunjin had nothing to say to that. He stared at you with hurt in his eyes “It wasn’t like that” he mumbled “So what was it like then?” He wasn’t sure how to answer that question. While he was willing to answer any questions you had he himself wasn’t sure what it was like honestly. “I don’t know.... just not this fucking picture you have in your mind about things” He grumbled. “You don’t know what I'm thinking right now” You retort. “You’re right. I don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking right now! You've been naïve but you’ve never been fucking stupid” He argued. “So, I’m stupid now?!” You cross your arms over your chest “When you’re smoking weed and getting black out drunk? yes!”  

“I wasn’t black out dr----You called me! Just fucking stop Y/N. You’re doing stupid shit and you’re going to get yourself hurt. Bad.” He cut you off. He didn’t understand why you were being this way and whilst he was supposed to be explaining the Ye-na situation, he couldn’t help but be angry at your recklessness. “You’d know all about that right?” you snap. “YOU ACT LIKE I MEANT TO HURT YOU” He shouted. You reach for the bottle again but Hyunjin’s quicker and snatches it from your grasp. “You’ve drank enough for the past two days don’t you think?” He growls as he places the bottle down on your shelf.  You stare daggers at him in response. A smirk on your face as you reach for your blunt and put it to your lips “Fucking stop! Y/N”  

“Oh please! Look at you, you’re acting all high and mighty. Your hypocrisy is showing Hyunjin” you challenge as you light the blunt. Your eyes not leaving his. “I haven’t smoked for a while Y/N. I haven’t done anything I used to do for a while” he confesses, realizing there were more important things to talk about. He hopes you catch the double meaning behind his words. You sat quietly taking in a long drag before releasing the smoke. “Is that supposed to impress me or something? I don’t think you realize how much this whole thing fucked me up---How you fucked me up, Hyunjin!” you exclaim, quickly getting to your feet. “Fuck please just-just tell me what to do then?! I don’t know what you fucking want! I’m trying and the more I try the more you pull away! You think this shit is easy for me? It’s not! You ripped my fucking heart out too you know? Instead of just talking to me or even letting me say fucking anything you ended things and that’s only because I found you that night!” He growls crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes are filled with fire. “Oh boo-fucking-Hoo your girlfriend found out you cheated and dumped you how fucking sad” you retort “Do you need a hug?” you couldn’t contain your sarcasm. You were beyond livid. How dare he sit there and act like he was an innocent bystander.  

“Can you be fucking serious for one minute? fucking Christ.”  

“Can you be honest for one minute?”  

“What?! You wanna know if I cheated on you?!” He argues, you stare at him with fury behind your eyes “no I kno---Yeah! I fucked Ye-na…..months ago! When I didn’t give a fuck about you or this relationship!” He cuts you off, you notice the anger dissipating from him being replaced with guilt and regret. You’re frozen in place and Hyunjin makes his way around the coffee table and places himself in front of you, his hands firmly wrapped around your arms.  “But I haven’t cheated on you in months, I’ve been with no one else in almost a year! I know its fucked up, I know I’m wrong for what I did but I changed.” His voice cracks as your eyes drift around the room, you could feel your anger leaving you as well, whilst he confesses. “What changed then?” you question, your voice is almost inaudible. “You. Well, I wanted to change for you. I’ll tell you everything you want to know but please just at least don’t drink anymore today, okay? I’m not kidding it was really scary to find you like that last night. I know what I did ruined my right to care but I do, I care so fucking much. And I need you to be okay, not amazing, not happy even, but at least okay” His hands find themselves holding your face to make you look at him. Your fingers wrap around his wrist.  

“Hyun, I’m fine....”  

He shakes his head in response “Now who’s the one that won't be honest? You’re not fine and I know I’m part of the reason for that. I should have been better to you, I was confused about how I felt and I-I---sigh----I fucked up, so fucking bad. But once I realized how I felt I tried so hard to fix things and change and just leave that shit behind.” you stare at him in shock. You find your legs growing wobbly and your chest is tightening. You can feel your breathing getting heavier and heavier the more Hyunjin talks. You remove Hyunjin’s grasp on you and take a seat on the couch, you knew your anxiety would be off the charts. “Ca-can I ask you something then?” You ask, your voice is small. “Anything” Hyunjin sits on the table, you give him a small glare “Is me answering question more important than your stupid rule?” he argues before you can scold him for sitting on your table. “Did I mean anything to you? Like at all? I’m not going to lie I was so fucking confused for such a long time and I’m really tired of it.” Hyunjin’s hand ran over his face before finding its way to the back of his neck. “You mean everything to me....” His words are practically whispers. “So why---I can’t answer that. I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to you so I won't answer that question” He cut you off.  

“You said you’d answer everything”  

“I said you could ask me anything, please, just know things are different now than they were, okay?”  

“Hyunjin I need to know....”  

“I can tell you how I feel now, I don’t feel the same way anymore so why does it matter?”

There they were again. The same question he always asked; does it matter? And for once you have a genuine answer “Yes it matters.” He sighs in response, grabbing the blunt that went out long ago from your hand and the lighter. You stare at him as he lights it and takes a long hit off it. You notice the way his hands are shaky and tears well up in his eyes. “Fine, honestly, when this all started, I didn’t really care. ---obviously---just listen. Y/N. I didn’t care and not because of you but because you know how I felt about relationships.” He confesses. “So, why’d even ask me out in the first place? In case you forgot Hyunjin, the whole reason we were even in a relationship was because you initiated it.” You question, puzzled. “I-I know I did, I got jealous honestly...---of who? I was only hooking up with you at the time” You cut him off “Minho and a little Han but mostly Minho” He states honestly. “Huh?” now you were really confused, why Minho? He was your dance partner last year and was the best dancer of 3rd year. But you two were no more than acquaintances at most and while you did spend a lot of time with him last year it was always about dance.  

“There was a rumor going around that Minho was going to confess and ask you out....”  

“And so, you asked first? So, he couldn’t?”  

Hyunjin nods in response, “I know it's stupid, and we were hooking up so I should’ve trusted that you liked me but I was insanely fucking jealous and it just happened. But I don’t regret it, I fell in love with you and I want to show you things would be different. I ended things with Ye-na almost as soon as they happened and—fuck—I know how badly I fucked up. I just want to fix things, I want to be with you, I feel so lost without you. I love you and I’ll make you trust me again.” You felt your heart clench at the softness in his tone. He seemed scared, he kept fidgeting as he allowed the blunt to go out and placed it on your table beside him. His breathe was shaky as he explained. “Would you have ever told me?” You ask “a-about anything?” he shakes his head “If I knew for a fact that you wouldn’t have broken up with me then yes but otherwise, I never wanted you to find out.”  

“Why?”

“Huh?”  

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”  

“Because look what happened when you found out! Fuck I lost you and that was the whole reason I stopped everything with everyone but you because I didn’t want to lose you but Ye-na told you whatever she told you that night and I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t answering my messages and I was fucking panicking because I just wanted to get you out of there because she was fucking pissed. But she saw you first---I still don’t understand how everything happened---all I know is that losing you has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me right now and I just-I want to be with you. I can be better; I’ll do whatever you want. I can make you happy.” He cried, he held onto your hands. Tears stream down his face, you stare at him sadly “It wasn’t just the cheating, Hyunjin. You can’t say you didn’t act like I wasn’t a burden. I know you said things would change but how can I be sure of that? For a long time, things were…. bad and I don’t want to be hurt again” you state hesitantly. “I won’t—I’ll be better I can help you trust me. I can love you the right way. I’ve never done this before but I’ll figure it out for you. Anything. Please just-just take me back, you don’t have to completely forgive me but please tell me I didn’t ruin things forever. Fuck I need to know you still love me, please tell me you still love me” He pleaded, he was on his knees his eyes never leaving yours. Rivers of tears flow down his angelic face.  

Your heart racing, you remove your hand from his, caressing his cheek wiping tears from their descent. “of course, I still love you. But I’m so fucking hurt and I don’t know if I could trust you.” He shakes his head “N-no do-don’t say that please. You can trust me. I’ll prove to you that you can please just give me a chance. I won’t hurt you again” he begs reaching into his pocket and unlocking his phone before shoving it in your hands. “You can go through it. Everything. And you can do that until you trust me again. I will do everything I can to be with you again.” You stare at the device in your hands, you notice his wallpaper. A selfie you had sent him a few months ago from your dance practice with Felix for the showcase. You felt butterflies fluttering in your stomach as you locked the device and handed it back to him “I-I don’t want to do that. I’m not that kind of person, Hyun and as much as I want to try things again, I can’t do that until I can trust you again.” Hyunjin buried his face in your neck, his arms wrapping around your waist. You felt his tears on your shoulder as he held you. “I can’t-I can’t lose you give me a chance just one chance please” He begged.  

(This is where the alt. ending begins)

“I-I think I need time…. Honestly Hyun, a lot in our relationship br-broke me and I need to work on loving myself again before I can even begin to think about being in a relationship. Maybe…. maybe we can try to just be friends for a while f-figure thing out.” You confess. His grip on you grew tighter, you could feel him shake his head against you. “I’m sorry...” he cried “I’m so fucking sorry, please, please don’t make me go. Please don’t let this be over I’m sorry. I love you; I love you and only you so fucking much please let me stay. I need you fuck I’m so so sorry” his whines turned into sobs as your resolve finally breaks tears running down your face. You wrap your arms around the sobbing man. “I’m sorry too, but things wouldn’t be okay right now anyway, even if I said we could fix things, I still wouldn’t trust you and things would be so difficult on your part only for one of us to get hurt. It's better to prevent that” You explained as you rubbed his back. “I’ll deal with that; I can take that. I hurt you for so fucking long that I can be hurt, I don’t care if you hurt me later on, as long as you’re mine now. Fuck please I love you so much it hurts. I don’t want to leave I don’t want to let you go please don’t make me.” He pleaded, pulling himself back so he could look in your eyes. His hands caress your cheek, wiping your tears.  

You hold onto his wrists; your eyes connect with his. It feels like an eternity before you look away; lowering his hands from you. His fingers wrap around your hand. “I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to end this---then don’t, stay with me. Give me a chance, I made you fall in love and trust me before I can do it again. I can be different---I am different now. I haven’t partied in months; I’ve been all about you and no one but you.” You sigh in response “BUT, me loving you and you loving me isn’t enough anymore. I can't erase the past Hyun and as much as I want to just forgive you and get back together with you.... I just know that I’m going to question everything and I need time for myself. I need help with things that don’t involve you and I really need to figure out how things are going to go. I was accepted as a trainee at JYP because of the showcase and I’ve been considering doing it. I think us trying to figure things out would be too much right now and I-I just need time...” Hyunjin nods in response as he lifts himself from his knees, eyeing the door. You follow behind him and stand. “I don’t want you to be out of my life though. I do love you and I would love to be your friend. I know we both need space until we can be comfortable around each other without our feelings getting in the way but I hope we can be friends.” He nods. “C-can I hug you then.... b-before I go?” He asks sadly.  

You smile softly at him before wrapping your arms around his neck, pressing your chest against his. His arms snake around your waist, tightly pressing you against him as he buries his face in your neck. You hear him let out a long-dejected sigh. “I love you” he whispers. “I love you too” You respond, your voice barely audible. You held onto each other for what felt like eternity. You found it hard to hold back your tears. You love him, you truly loved him and if things were different, you would have held on forever. You heard him sniffling. You knew he was trying to hold back his tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better for you. I never deserved you, but I’m so fucking grateful to have had a chance with you; even though I made so many mistakes, the only thing I truly will ever regret was losing you.” He divulges as he loosens his grip on you, his hand finds its way to your face; he caresses your cheek. “It’s okay, you’ll be okay. We need this, and I’m not leaving your life, okay? We can be friends I can be there for you eventually.” you soothe him before he removes his hands from you completely. Your eyes never leave each other's as he makes his way to the door. “Goodbye, Y/N” He calls as he opens the door and exits, closing the door behind him.

“Goodbye, I love you”  

________________________________________________________

Taglist: @xxoverthinkerxx @elmi-chan @midsoulz @hyunjintoon 

[dullahandyke]

yippee yippee yippee yippee eimear con haul!!!!

Hi. It was my birthday recently and I'm bad to shop for so instead of gifts I got money to spend at Kaizokucon. So here's a haul. Under the cut bcos I couldnt fit it nicely in one picture and I wanna ramble

ok we're gonna take it one picture at a time ^_^ the ID in the alt text explains what everything is if u just wanna see what i got without the rambling sure to come with it. links in rambling r to the artists of the fan stuff where i can find em ^_^ only one of them is a direct link to the product tho bcos some ppls shops r down and some ppl dont have all their stuff online. lemons_arent_green youre a real one

Ok the flat stuff!!! black rock shooter poster bcos i already have a figure but i liek her... badass anime girl ily.... was so so sure i saw a reigen keychain but when i went to go get one there weren't any so i got this sticker sheet instead :3 SPEAKING OF KEYCHAINS!!! yippee yippee kaguya i love you youre my special little tiempsy. yue you are a gay anime boy with a cool design. tomoyo ive always felt a kinship with you and its because im a desperate dyke. monokuma is here ig 🙄 i put him on my carabiner and hes fun to stim with. i am not immune to the sdr2 fanboying. also full disclosure ive not watched naruto (its in the spreadsheet) i just thought funko pop sasuke keychain was really really funny. my son who stares into my soul. comparatively i dont have as much to say on the badges!! luka luka fever for real girlie ily. the bandori ones were blind bags and i got himari on my first try <3<3<3<3<3<3 sorry eve i kind of dont care. 🙁 the dr girlies i kinda picked at random based on who i've been vibing w lately.

THE POKEMON DIORAMA!!!! its soooo cool, staff were setting up the trade hall so i was in there all day friday and this shop was one of the first to set up their stands and i was literally staring at it all day... so fucking awesome. the rings n the necklace r from the same shop look at them... im fucking obsessed w the catgirl necklace. literally look at her. i dont thiiink shes supposed to be a specific character but she might be. oh well. cat girl ily. aaaand the arisa stand is actually a little clip for papers n stuff!! she was also a blind box but specifically for popipa so i was gonna b happy w whoever <3

MIIIIKUUUUUU MY PRINCESS MY EVERYTHING!!!!! she was calling to me she beckoned..... shes actually rlly big irl shes the biggest figure i have, replacing my kokoro one... shes the one where i audibly said 'it was my birthday i can buy things' bcos figures spencey... she wasnt too bad actually i just like bitching. 6 euro axel for scale

BOOKS 💥💥💥 i was reading nana a while back and i dropped it but i gotta pick it up again... rlly pretty and awesome... aaaand the summer hikaru died!!! kay if youre seeing this then know you posting abt it convinced me <3 i originally got it bcos i was on door duty in a quiet area and didnt wanna spend my time draining battery life on my phone but after i bought it i realised that that was literally a terrible idea so <3 we'll get around to them soon

FINALLLYYYYYY TSHIRTS!!! the top yellow one was my staff t-shirt, it has 'staff' on the back i was wearing it all weekend and yippee i love it.... emotional bond.... and if this is a safe space can i just say. if kaito was a woman? would. next up FAYE FUCKIN VALENTINEEEE!!! do u remember that post i made going thru all the sellers that were gonna b at the con that started like 'i hate shounen fans. name a woman'? well this is the seller i was talking about but all was forgiven in the name of FAYE ! GODDAMN ! VALENTINE ! ugh i love you girlie. and the last t-shirt was given out free to staff after the closing ceremony!! it was the tenth anniversary of kaizokucon so we got this awesomes design yay.... wore it to classes today hoping somebody would comment on it and nobody did 😌and in the middle i got CLOW CARRRDS BITCHES!!!!!! i saw them and immediately all thought left my fucking brain. i needed them. so important. the seller also recognised the axel in my fanny pack yippee!!!! a few people recognised him over the weekend actually and i was always like yes!! the him

anyway. yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! con con con con con :)

[hopeswriting]

Not the same anon as before but I have a question about Sephira and Luce. Would Sephira becoming the Sky arcobaleno not defeat the whole purpose of the pacifiers being made? Kawahira states they were made because the earthlings could not maintain the balance themselves anymore. I know people in her family eventually became cursed but it doesn’t seem like she is? In that picture you show her being normal sized and not a baby too.

My question for Luce is that I swear we see her become cursed on the mountain and become a baby. Why did she become a baby if she got the curse from her mom but not Aria or Uni? Why did she bother going to the mountain? To keep up appearances?

I hope all the questions are okay. These are questions I’ve always wondered and you seem knowledgeable

[in reference to this ask]

hi nonny, thank you for the ask!

yeah we're all good with all your questions, no worries haha. to answer them in order, i do get why you'd think that about sepira. like you said, as the numbers of earthlings started decreasing, eventually they weren't enough of them left anymore to be able to keep sustaining the seven stones that was originally the trinisette by themselves. so they took some of the stones and broke them down into seven more parts (the pacifiers), so they could use the help of humans to keep sustaining it.

but it still doesn't change the fact that it's their duty to look after the trinisette, right? and as earthlings, they're the ones most suited to do it and likely can do it the more safely/longer/while feeling minimum side effects from it. so i can see sepira ending up with the sky pacifier/choosing to become its bearer as her caring to keep doing her duty for as long as she can, but also as some kind of safeguarding of some sort. because like, humans weren't supposed to be the ones to look after the trinisette nor are they naturally suited for it. and the sky pacifier being a particularly important part of the trinisette, they choose one of them to be its bearer, give the six other pacifiers to humans, and keep looking after the remaining stones themselves. (because remember, but at this point there's still five earthlings left, including kawahira and sepira.)

and yes, sepira isn't a baby in that panel, but it's because none of the sky arco are ever turned into babies! i know in the anime luce is shown being turned into a baby, but it's during the arco filler arc so, you know, it's not canon. and even in the manga there's some cover pages where amano drew her as a baby too, but i really think it's just for aesthetic purposes so she doesn't stand out from the rest of the arco she's drawn alongside with. because as far as the manga in and of itself says, in the rainbow arc byakuran explicitly says the sky arco aren't turned into babies, but in exchange their particular curse takes the form of a short lifespan.

[ID copied from alt-text: Panels from the manga Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Byakuran says, "The Arcobaleno of the Sky's curse is different from all the other Arcobaleno's curses... Their forms can't be changed. Luce, Aria, and Yuni... All of them are connected with the same... short life-span. /End ID]

as for the way luce ended up cursed compared to aria and uni, bermuda explains to reborn and tsuna that kawahira chooses/curses the arco through two different methods. i'm not gonna put all the relevant panels because it's basically the whole of chapter 386 lol, but yeah, here:

[ID copied from alt-text: Other panels from the manga. Bermuda says, "A passing on to the next generation is set up. Sometimes as a contracted job, sometimes as a representative war. These two things happen once, spread out far apart in a cycle so that it doesn't remain in people's memories. The Rainbow Representative War and the Fated Day." /End ID]

so basically, kawahira either gathers the next generation of arco under the guise of gathering the seven strongest, giving them missions so they can prove themselves worthy of the title, until eventually he gives them a last mission to gather them together so he can curse them. or he baits them with the possibility of earning their freedom from the curse by winning the representative war, making them (which is so sick of him now i think about it actually) gather the current strongest of the next generation so he can choose among them who are the most suitable to become the next arco.

so luce ending up cursed through the fated day is because by then, the cycle of choosing/cursing the next arco was just back to happen through the fated day. and meanwhile aria and uni inherited it from their respective mother, because the sky arco's curse is a short lifespan, and so there's the need of multiple sky arco for one generation of arco until the time to choose the next generation of arco altogether comes around again. or at least, that's how i personally make sense of the arco lore haha.

hopefully i managed to clear things up for you some nonny!

[luigismansionartonlydarkmoon]

IMPORTANT CONTEXT:

-in my general puyo puyo hc, after the events of puyotet 1 and 2, the characters remember each other and can contact each other freely regardless of what dimension theyre in because its fucking stupid that they cant. it takes a while for risukuma to develop something that allows them to travel dimensions without the help of ex or marle and her stupid dumbass self fuck you marle you fucking bitch.

-in the broken ai au, after the events of puyotet 1 and 2, some of the characters remember each other and some dont. they remember each other and their time together to varying degrees of success and clarity. they cannot contact or see each other.

text in the image:

on the left, this is ai (and ai and ess's eyes) but based off the alt colors from the sega arcade tetrimino skin. this is the skin that i always played with in puyotet 1.

on the right is just ai (and ai and ess's eyes in the middle of the picture) as they normally appear in my puyotet hc. the text below ai and ess's eyes reads: "Ess and Ai have each others main colors as their eye colors bc I think that would be a cute sibling thing." I never understood why ess's eyes were bright i-piece blue but ai's eyes were just teal in canon. like, ai's eyes are so close to green but not there. hello? huge miss

this is risukuma and older risukuma in my hc. i think they should have a big fluffy squirrel tail because why did they get rid of it. i think risukuma is more self conscious of his body because (in my hc) unlike ais dimension, anthropomorphic fully sentient animal-humanoids like him arent very common at all. also ringo keeps making weird comments about it. so, in my hc younger risukuma is more awkward and his labcoat is bigger than it needs to be. older risukuma is doing much better especially being around ai and his dimension (and after telling ringo to shut the fuck up or theyre over.)

Older Ai

on the left is how older ai would look in my hc. i think he breaks off from the rest of the tetra because they mistreat him so bad. he keeps low contact with only ess as he heals, and then ess and the rest of the tetra gradually rebuild their relationships with him over the course of several years. I like the idea that his clothes are similar, but the white parts of the design are much darker. i think it looks pretty and that the difference symbolizes how he's changed and started to heal. I also think it symbolizes that hes finally been able to create his own identity separate from his abusers and his past.

Older Ai (AU)

on the right is older ai again, but a part of a seperate au where he separates from the tetra but goes no-contact after a big falling out. his outfit colors arent super different but are still different. this symbolizes that he has changed, but in the way that something snapped in him. his identity isnt separated from the tetra or his past here, and his mental health ends up worsening instead. *huge disclaimer that this snap within him and his worsening mental state has nothing to do with going no contact with the tetra crew, and that going low contact or keeping contact with them wouldn't of changed the trajectory of his mental health in this au.*

this is older ai and older risukuma from that au. at this point, ai has become an antagonist. they aim to merge the dimensions quickly and actually genuinely unsafely this time.

Older Ai (AU)

there are references to the tetra crew and risukuma in his design. the main color used in his design, teal, is supposed to not resemble any member of the tetra crew including himself. it is a reference to his originally teal eyes in the canon of puyo puyo. the galaxy directly references tee and zed in the splotches in the backround, while the general blue hue resembles risukuma. the stars are green for ess, white for ex, and yellow for o. the gradients at the bottom are orange and blue for jay and elle.

risukuma makes up the foundation for the galaxy because ai is deeply in love with him and has always yearned for him. the hope of returning to risukumas physical realm was always the thing that kept him going. tee and zed stay in the background, as zed never really helped much and tee, in ai's perspective, was a pussy ass leader who did nothing but enable and in some cases contribute to the abuse. ess, ez, and o are the stars because they seemed to be the only people who cared about him. although ess treated him poorly too, he feels deep familial love for his sister and ultimately excused a lot of things she did because of it. the gradients are jay and elle because they were the main culprits of the abuse, and affected him in ways that will haunt him forever.

Older Risukuma (AU)

Risukuma is a reanimated corpse, and the final incident that drove Ai to become an antagonist. Risukuma and Ai, after the dimensions had been separated, remembered each other completely and clearly and wanted nothing more than to see each other again. Risukuma created a device, or a portal, to hopefully see Ai again. out of deperation, imatience, and mantal issues after a particularly bad day and fallout with ringo and maguro, risukuma used the machine before it was ready.

the result was that he made it to ais dimension dead.

ai found him quickly, and seeing the only person he's ever loved dead drove him off the edge.

using his technical skill, he preserved risukumas body untill he was able to turn risukuma into somewhat of a cyborg. unfortunately, with no brain activity, hes more of an animated corpse like this, and ai has to manually controll his body to make him move. his tail also drags behind him when he walks.

ai is still in the process of upgrading and developing this technology to fully revive and recreate risukumas body. he is trying to research the magic from risukumas and other dimensions as well in order to fully revive risukuma. Ai hopes to merge the dimensions once again in a super unsafe manner in order to gain access to it.

ai treats and talks to risukuma as if hes alive.

[kyogre-blue]

Finally went back and did Inazuma act 2 on my alt. I forgot how short it is. There's like... four conversations, two cutscenes, and that's it.

Although there are a lot of small issues with the logic and they fall down hard in terms of the pacing of the character arcs, I will stand by my opinion that Inazuma is still a far more interesting story than Sumeru.

Sumeru is just... some evil dudes, of whom we see only one, want to make a god, and for this they choose... Scaramouche? Who is a non-entity except when he vomits out his backstory. And Nahida is there, don't you feel sorry for her because uuh reasons. Don't even get me started on the pointless diversions of going to Ormos (why), the dream loop of time wasting (just tell me the answer up front), and the entire pointless whatever out in the desert (literally exists just to provide one lore cutscene and waste our time).

Inazuma at least has a potentially interesting conflict, characters who have their own varied stakes in it, and they even use NPCs better.

I didn't have any particularly notable observations on second pass, but I did find these points funny:

There's a bunch of small "???" moments if you use your brain while watching this, including the entire situation regarding Thoma being a public sacrifice (???) to mark the 100th vision taken. Like, why did they tie him up, did he resist? Why was he not using a fake vision, like it's implied Yoimiya did to get around the decree? What are the political implications of all this, because it's very interesting if you think about it? In general tho, it's just hilarious if you remember that Shinobu and Itto both did not have any reaction to losing their visions, so maybe Thoma isn't even slightly in danger here.

That said, the escalation is pretty good. I do like the concept.

Teppei is actually pretty cute. And I do think they tried to make you care about the war via both the civilians in act 1 and the soldiers in act 2.

I still find it hilarious that the culmination of act 2 is a "fight of honor" where both sides select "their finest warrior" for "single combat" and then Sara sends three different randos to fight us. I think during the third fight, the resistance troops start complaining that we're doing consecutive battles, but it's dialogue during the battle, so I'm not exactly going to be able to read it, you know? In general, it's worth noting that this duel of honor isn't meant to have any actual stakes. It's just for moral and intimidation, which is why they still have a big battle afterwards. This is in the text, but it's very counterintuitive, so it feels bizarre.

During the cutscene where Kokomi appears, Beidou says she hopes Kokomi can help pay for all these mercenaries she hired and Kazuha calls Gorou an old friend. This is uh sure some interesting implications, but it really does not do an adequate job explaining why the hell they're here. Kazuha's characterization and supposed arc are a shit show in general, of course.

I do recall that the writing quality, such as it is, plummets in act 3. They probably needed 4 acts, realistically, one for Watatsumi and Teppei, one more for returning to Narukami, but I guess at this point they wanted to have the same schedule as Liyue's release? It really did not work out.

[encrucijada]

PÍA RAMBLES #6

nanowrimo is technically over and i barely made a dent on what was supposed to be my main wip during november. but one thought led to another and i made some changes that contradict the powerpoint i posted at the start of the month... so let me tell you about evergreen lung!

if you're new to my writing updates: because of how inconsistent i am with my progress i just label everything as a writing update and then theme them accordingly.

disclaimer: this is my original work, plagiarism of any kind won’t be tolerated.

[ all images ids in alt text! ]

i was having a lot of trouble making the relationships between characters work, which is a problem considering character relationships would make or break this book in particular. i've only written one and a half chapters which, i know is too soon to know if the dynamics were really as bleh as they seemed in my head (especially considering i've only barely introduced the character of raquel)... but things just weren't clicking in an appealing way.

so what did i do? i opened my phone's notes app and started typing naturally lmao. i laid out all my troubles and i think i've found it now! the version of evergreen lung i like.

these are the changes

august is now a completely different character! originally she was supposed to be ezra's "friendship interest" (like love interest but for friend) but i was having this problem about their relationship being too similar to that of ezra's mums xiomara and katalina. something that was bothering no one but if i didn't do something about it it was gonna bother me for all intended 70k words of this. i've aged august up and now she is running the radio station mentioned in the powerpoint (there's also something new and magical about her but [spoilers]).

it also allowed me to implement a dynamic i would have otherwise discarded with the changes i did to ezra's family, which makes me happy as i really liked it. see, since her inception august has been the someone new by hozier sorta character where she falls in love with pretty strangers on the bus. in the earlier versions of evergreen lung, ezra was supposed to live with her aunt who couldn't really hold down a partner and that was going to contrast with ezra who didn't want a partner. now that dynamic is the one shared between ezra and august! they have more of a "queer neurodivergent student who imprints on their cool teacher" vibe

juan diego figueroa! you may remember him as santiago figueroa from the powerpoint, i changed his name. the obligatory adam parrish-esque character because this is a book about a sentient forest. he's ezra's new platonic soulmate. a story about two aspec kids with lots of nature imagery surrounding them and whose relationship people are being extremely amatonormative about. after all, they're a boy and a girl so they should be falling in love

not only are they extremely cute, but their dynamic immediately puts me at ease with being Different(tm) from xiomara/katalina/caleb, which is what was bothering me if i had made a little trio out of ezra/august/santiago. as said in the powerpoint, his family runs the greenhouse where xiomara buys all her plant babies and it gives juan diego and ezra a fun thing going on. where they know each other but will grow to be each other's best friends much to their surprise

okay! let's talk chapters

i have named a few scattered chapters. these are the first five (at least for now some titles could be moved around later). as of rn i have only written chapters one and i'm working on finishing chapter two. yes, in my head that is more than enough to talk

I: CREATION ACT

so for the uninitiated: evergreen lung is about this girl named ezra who died and then undied. what felt like passing out overnight in the forest for her turned out to be a year of her being missing.

i'd written the opening scene of the book many moons ago, around the time when i first had the idea for this story. it remains one of my favourite openers. here's an excerpt!

I woke up again because I couldn’t breathe. It turned into crying. Blood smeared on my cheeks, my nose, my mouth. I think… I might have been having nightmares, but I couldn’t remember. The sun made nightmares go away.

Checked my phone again, mechanical. The dead screen spiderwebbed and mosaicked with the honeycomb light through the canopy of branches. I did that three more times, forgetting each time, until I sprung panicked because the weight of my own body made my arm fall asleep and I thought the fox was back and had taken it along this time. I pressed the power button on the phone like that might will it to work.

I also got bitten on the leg, the tender tissue on the back of my knee, and I kicked. A fox with shamrocks as way of ear tufts whined and sprang away. That made me sit up and I cried, whimpering apologies. Whimpering please forgive me’s to an animal that wasn’t there anymore.

i'm now gonna shout out @rxinbowbright and @chaoticdecember because it's thanks to them that i even conceived making any progress with this book at all. and it's all thanks to the characters of ezra's parents who are actually our ocs for a personal project we share. with katalina being teddy's and caleb being fluffy's, xio is mine. it makes sense for a story about the importance of queerplatonic relationships for our main character to be born into one imo.

a while back (a long while back) i decided to start using chapter titles. they add so much personality and i think they need to do a comeback in books. i'm especially fond of the two words structure which is what i'm gonna be doing with evergreen lung. it creates such vivid imagery with something as simple as creation act, especially considering the subject matter. ezra coming back home and all.

II: PRESSED FLOWERS

aka ezra takes a walk around town and reunites with raquel, they go to a concert. alternatively: sometimes the main conflict is the fact your best friend has a boyfriend.

the plot truly begins here: ezra realises there's a disconnect between her and the person who's her best friend, she missed graduation and we all know how much things change in not even a year of being done with high school. the people you saw 5 days a week aren't part of your routine anymore, friend groups don't survive, everyone's got their own goals and no one's worried about the same homework as you.

other stories might turn raquel into the villain but there are no villains here (except for amatonormativity). i love raquel, and i love the relationship with her boyfriend like i love any other ship in my wips. they've got this fun garage band aesthetic going on and damian is friends with ezra... sadly while she was gone they planned and agreed to move out of town together. and now instead of having time to process this, ezra's arriving a month (or so) before it happens.

the title of pressed flowers is supposed to be a metaphor about preserving things.

Raquel’s mum was a redhead like her two daughters. She was wearing an apron and a dress, hands clad with rubber gloves, she looked as if she’d stepped out of 50s USA nuclear family propaganda. Wendy was forced to stay outside and I stood in their kitchen on the verge of tears for an agonising ten minutes.

I kept asking them: Raquel? Raquel? Raquel?

And they put a glass of pink lemonade in my hands and hugged me until I spilled it on the floor anyways. You went missing, they said, as if I was a third-party stranger who hadn’t heard of the local tragedy. Instead of being the very subject of it. Yeah, I know, I said, objective, like speaking of the weather. Your parents— Raquel's mum started to say. They know, I said.

“She’s going to be so happy.” Marianela was holding the baby to her chest.

“Where’s Raquel?” I asked again.

“Not here,” her mum said. “She got this crazy idea in her head when she turned eighteen. Moved right out, said she was ready to be independent.”

“Where’s Raquel?” I asked again.

“She didn’t even have a job!” her mum said. “Now I think she’s working as a cashier.”

“Where’s Raquel?” I asked Marianela directly.

“The shopping centre downtown,” she said, patting the baby’s back as she became fuzzy. Warning of a wail. “They have these empty rooms serving no purpose at all.”

okay! i think that's gonna be it for now. i mainly wanted to talk about the changes i made (which also helps me it's the rubber duck method). and also hopefully this gave you a better idea of what the book's about, where it's headed.

the other chapters will tackle the following:

dead heading: the real weight of being gone

organic bodies: trying to reconnect

blink twice: ezra goes to a party with her old classmates

the sentient forest is coming, i promise.

cheers, pía

[late-nite-scholar]

Aug 7th (Day 3): Prompt- Starlit / Teeth

Day 3: Teeth- Azuri tells Kharjo the story of how she was taught to fight by Nerevar. I’m sure I’m way off canon with some of my ideas, but that’s just how it goes sometimes. Also, Kharjo loves to use pet names because he is the actual sweetest. 

Translations: yi daelha- my love (Dunmeris), ahziss siir- my [heavenly, holy] light (Ta’agra), serush- beautiful (Ta’agra)  

Dunmer LDB x Kharjo

Warnings- None

Wordcount- ~1600

(Description in alt text. Azuri is wearing the Seer Robes from the Skyrim Outfitters: Vestoriam Magus mod. Kharjo is wearing Khajiiti Chain Armor from the Khajiiti Armory mod.)

***

It was late when Kharjo finally trudged back up from the jarl’s house to the College. The sun had set and Jone and Jode were out, both waning. Dagi-raht moons. But at that moment he wasn’t looking at them, he was focused on getting back to the Archmage’s Quarters and his beloved. 

But the Archmage's Quarters were empty. 

“Azuri?” 

He checked all the rooms, and found the small door that led up to the roof open. He followed up the spiral staircase until he was outside once again.

She had shed her robes and wore only a soft shirt and pants. Her hair was tied up in a messy knot on top of her head, eyes narrowed in concentration. In her hand she held a staff, but she whirled and thrust it like a spear. Her style was not one he was familiar with, but she obviously well practiced. 

As she turned, she noticed him standing by the door. It startled her for a brief second, her hands tightening around the staff. But then she relaxed, and smiled. 

"You're home, yi daelha!" She ran over to hug him. "How was work?" 

"The jarl's new guards grow more skilled each day. Khajiit already plans to train them harder now, and the jarl agrees. But the day was not supposed to go on so long. Kharjo is sorry he is so late." 

As he leaned down to kiss her forehead, she chuckled. “It’s okay. How many times have I been stuck on a long job? But things are going so well! I still can hardly believe Korir came around the way he did, but I’m glad he did.”

“As is Khajiit, ahziss siir. Now, do tell Kharjo, what are you doing? You fight with that staff in a style Khajiit has never seen. Who taught you this?”

“Nerevar did.”

“You were taught by your First Era warlord?”

“Yeah. You know he’s my ancestor guardian, and while he has a hard time manifesting in our world, we talk quite often in dreams. Let me tell you the story.”

They sat together on the roof, and Azuri began. 

*** (Then) ***

"Azuri!" He greeted. They met as they always did, in a field of flowers and bright sun, though he was certain she’d never been to such a place in the waking world.  

She sobbed as she threw her arms around his waist and hugged him hard. "Nerevar! I… I need your advice. Really bad. I need someone wise to show me if I'm right or not." 

"Of course!" He pulled back, putting his hands on her shoulders. "What troubles you?" 

"Will you swear not to tell anyone else?" 

"Of course, Azuri. I will always respect your privacy." 

She dropped her head. "I want to leave." 

"Leave where?" 

"This House. Mournhold. Morrowind. If I am to escape, I have to go far away where my parents can't find me." 

He nodded. "Where do you plan to go?" 

Her head flew up again. "You aren't going to stop me? Or talk me out of it?" 

"Well I can't actually stop you, and I see no reason to talk you out of it. You've told me more than enough for me to know that going out and getting some independence would be good for you. I don't know how your parents expect you to have any kind of destiny with the way they keep you sheltered." 

Azuri was crying happy tears now, and she hugged him again. "Thank you, Nerevar! Can… can you help me plan? What should I take? What's the best way to get out? I… I think I'll start in Cyrodiil, then make my way… I'm not even sure where. Maybe Skyrim? It's more isolated there but I'm not prepared for that yet." 

"You've been thinking about this. That's good that you recognize where your weaknesses might be. I will help you as much as I can. It's been a long time since I walked the world, but some things don't change." He crossed his arms thoughtfully. “First we’re going to start with how to defend yourself.”

“I… I can use an axe. Like… like the Nerevarine did.”

He gave her a gentle smile. “Ah yes. Rilenna is uniquely skilled with an axe. But you, my dear, are more likely to carry a staff. And my first weapon was a spear. So we will start there. Tomorrow night. I will teach you to fight and we will plan your escape.”  

++

The next night they met again. This time a circle had been cleared in the grass and flowers. Nerevar held two spears, one of which he handed to Azuri. 

“Now then. Make sure you practice this when you can in the real world, too. Any stick or staff or even a curtain rod would work. Now then, hold it like this, and do what I do.”

Azuri did, but soon her shoulders sagged. She let out a frustrated cry. “I’m never going to be as good as you, Nerevar! How can I learn to fight like you?”

He gave her a sigh and a gentle smile. “Do you think I was any good when I first learned to fight?”

“Weren’t you?”

“Azura’s mercy, no! It took a long time, and a lot of dedication, to get to where I was in life. Like everything, it takes practice. And you can do this. You have the will and the strength of mind. Let’s try it again, and then we’ll talk about supplies you should start stockpiling.” 

++

It took time, but Azuri worked tirelessly and began to improve. So Nerevar started to push her harder.  

They were sparring, staves clacking and whirling, when he suddenly slipped around her. Using his greater height, he slipped his staff over her head and used it to pin her arms. He chuckled. 

“What do you do now? I’m bigger and stronger, how do you break free?”

“Magicka?” 

“That will work. How else?”

“I could kick you?”

“Okay, one more.”

“Umm… I don’t know?”

He let her go and came back around. Setting the butt of his spear on the ground, he leaned on it. “You use every tool and weapon your body has. Magicka, feet, elbows, knees, nails, teeth, whatever you can.”

“Teeth? Like, bite them?”

“If it’s you or them? You’re damn right. I’m not here to teach you to fight so it looks pretty. I’m here to teach you to fight so you’ll survive. Fight dirty, and don’t be afraid to. Even if you have to bite them.” He grinned. “But you’re coming along well. I think you’ll be ready by your birthday like you want to be. Now let’s run through that again.”

*** (Now) ***

“How long did you train with Nerevar?” Kharjo asked. 

“I’ve never stopped. We still talk about it to this day. He always seems to think of new things to tell me, new tricks to put up my sleeve. But before I left Mournhold, we trained for the better part of a year. I actually did have a curtain rod in my room I used to practice with.”

“And how many have felt the wrath of your teeth?” 

She laughed. “I’ve bitten my fair share of enemies. And what he taught me works well because fighting styles have changed so much, so it throws opponents off when I start pulling out Chimer spear tactics and gives me an advantage. And he taught me how to survive outside of fighting, like how to make a camp and how to just be in the world. I owe him everything. I never would have gotten out otherwise.”

“Then Khajiit is grateful also. Would… would you teach Khajiit your Chimer fighting style? Kharjo will teach you what he knows of the styles of his homeland in return.”

Eyeing up his plate-armored form, she raised an eyebrow. “You want me to teach you how to fight? I mean… I certainly can, but...” 

“Khajiit would rather train with no one else.” He butted her gently with his forehead and kissed her cheek. “But for now, Khajiit would like supper and a bath, preferably with his serush.”

She kissed him back. “I’d like that, too. How about we start the training tomorrow?”

“That is perfect. Khajiit looks forward to it. It will be rather exciting to spar together.” 

“Well, I hope so. But I’m also rather excited about this idea of supper and a bath.”

“Ah, then let us go now, Moonbeam.”

Hand in hand, they descended the stairs until they were back in the inviting warmth of their chamber. They went first to the bathing room, steam rising as she turned on the tap and the tub began to fill.

Smiling at Kharjo as he began to strip out of his armor, Azuri said a silent thanks to Nerevar. It had been her parents' pride and ambition that had led to the Hortator himself being her guardian. But he'd been everything to her that her parents weren't; he'd encouraged her, helped her, loved and believed in her. He'd helped her to win this freedom, this life she'd built. And that was more valuable than anything on Nirn or in any other plane of existence.

Kharjo's purr of her name brought her out of her thoughts, and before she knew it she'd been swept up into his arms and kissed. "By the Moons, you are most beautiful when lost in thought. But perhaps you will join Khajiit in the bath now?"

"Of course, my heart." She giggled, pulling off her cold, sweaty clothes and following him into the steaming tub.

And it was wonderful.