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still-a-morosexual-help · 1 year

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As I was playing the Levi bd, I saw Mammon's TSL outfit. And it's just... All lightning.

I know your theory that he's more inclined to fire, so why do you think he's just so obviously displaying lighting?

The others' outfits keep the subject/elements on point. (Lucifer has a leash 💀💀💀💀)

Yeah that's the question that created that post. I honestly don't know what that's about. It's the first and only time we see him associated with lightning because in the few times they associate him with an element it's usually fire. Lucifer gets more of a lightning association in the game tbh because the magic he uses for punishments looks like lightning and in the white day event his first response to stop Belphie & MC from napping in a blizzard and possibly dying was to suggest striking them with lightning

The reason could be something as simple as they needed something yellow for his outfit

But here's the more fun answer;

The "Lord of Fools" as a moniker is painfully inaccurate.

The rest of the brothers' TSL counterparts' names (more or less) actually fit them.

But Mammon may be a dumbass, however, the game has repeatedly shown that when he puts any effort into it he becomes extremely competent and in his brothers' words "can accomplish anything he sets his mind to". Hell they start showing it in the first few lessons of S1 itself after he starts helping MC out and comes up with all their plans.

He's also the only character with any sort of functioning emotional intelligence and he makes use of that

But this is something his brothers have obviously forgotten about, seeing as they're always suprised when he shows that intelligent side

Even Mammon's TSL devilgram (called "The Lord of Fools") is one where he is scarily competent and is nothing like you'd expect from one who inspired a character called "The Lord of Fools". That's odd right? That there's such a disconnect between the story of the devilgram and the character he's dressed as in the picture.

Even in TSL itself one of the reasons they give for him being called the Lord of Fools is because he sent food to the Lord of Flies while his kingdom was undergoing a famine but the food spoilt before it got there???? It's not a foolish act right? Given that TSL doesn't take place in a modern era and the Lords live in separate kingdoms, food spoiling just seems to be due to circumstance? And even if they were packaged wrong and so rotted sooner than it should have, the act of wanting to help someone in trouble still isn't foolish.

He's a dumbass for sure but it's not the main point of his character in the actual om! game because om! the game starts to slowly dissuade the player of that idea

The entire character of the Lord of Fools doesn't fit with Mammon. It feels like a façade similar to the one we see Mammon put on, that slowly dissolves the longer you spend getting to know him. So wouldn't it make sense, wouldn't it fit the theme, if his outfit which so storngly associates him with lightning for the first and only time in the game, didn't fit him either?

I wonder how much of The Lord of Fools was based off that angel Simeon remembers cutting holes in books & stuffing frogs into them and not off the angel who worked hard for Lucifer which eventually led to his Fall because there was never a question about whether or not he'd follow Lucifer. How much of it was based off the angel who sold pigeon feathers by advertising them as Raphael's and not off the demon, whom Simeon never got to see, who kept his family together and soothed their fears and injuries after the Fall.

TSL was afterall written by Simeon to cope with missing the brothers, he hadn't met the brothers again after their Fall until S1 but TSL existed since before S1, so it'd make sense that it'd be based off all the good times they had in the Celestial Realm with parts of the rumours he'd heard about what they are like as demons influencing the characters' personalities as well.

For example:

The rumour that the Avatar of Greed had become indebted to some witches and was unable to escape their demands would have gotten out and spread. And there's no way someone of Mammon's power could become indebted to witches unless they were a fucking idiot. The fact that Mammon ended up in this position was because the witches are looking after a human child for him and that he's paying for all her needs and also being extorted by the witches for it, wouldn't have gotten out, specially considering that even his younger brothers don't know about it

Also makes you wonder about the Lord of Masks....how Simeon wouldn't have even known Satan existed in order to miss him, how rumours about Satan's birth and Lilith's death would have floated up, how it was obvious that (if we take into account how Luke seemed to know nothing about Lilith during S3) that Lilith's existence wasn't spoken about/was kept hidden from the younger angels....... makes you wonder just what that mask is hiding

Mammon being emotionally intelligent

Mammon's "façade" and how it is broken away

Mammon being smart

The duality of Mammon

Canon things mammon is good at

Mammon being the only one with his shit together post the Fall

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sugareey-makes-stuff · 9 months

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For the end of year asks I have. So many:

2, 3, 10, 25, and 30!!! 💛💛💛💛💛

Hiya friend! Hell yeah, gimme all the q's! Here's what I've got after putting some thought into it for 2023:

2. How many fics did you work on this year? (They don’t have to be finished or published!) Oh my God. I don't even know?!! I'm an artist at heart, but 2023 became a BIG writing year for me vs. art or craft making. Not by choice, since Adulting was really hard and everything was basically on fire, so I think I took up writing as a way to journal and cope tbh. My guesstimate between finished works AND WIPs together: I must have been working on at least 20 writing works. Which is kinda crazy...especially trying to do that for 2 fandoms. 😁

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer? I'm actually good at writing and extract Feelings when I'm given a limited word count. Like, I can somehow make the story work if I carefully choose my words and/or sentences since that word count makes sure I get to the point and I don't ramble on for too long. I've definitely been more aware of how I write depending on what it's for. Also, those short word counts have taught me to be cleaner or punchier. Which is always a good thing! I started writing microfics in 2022, and in 2023, I started writing more drabbles. When I signed up for a couple of fic exchanges, I graduated to writing short fics that were 2k or less. So, I think if I generally set some kind of word count for myself, that gives me a framework to determine how big the thing will end up being.

10. What fic made you feel the happiest to work on? OOO, that is a tough one! Okay, I honestly love Pink Lemonade (Sterek, T, 600 words with art) because it's a ficlet with art, and the whole creative process just flowed when I made this whole thing! I wanted to play more with silhouettes for art (which I think we'll see more of for 2024). And then I already had this little story planned out in my head, so I threw those words down. I think this was probably one of the easier works I've put together because everything cooperated. Also, soft boys! ♥️

25. What did you use to write? (e.g. writing programs, paper & pen, etc.) Scrivener! That program has changed the way I write, and I swear by it every day! The features are awesome (hello to color coding and snapshots), but I absolutely love that I have the ability to link to internal and external links. Lifesaver for a geeky researcher. I feel like I can actually organize my drafts AND my notes without being a trash goblin, so I've definitely been willing to write more because of that. When I had a recent power outage though, I did actually do some paper and pen writing, which was pretty neat. It makes the idea more concrete, and you bet that's going to become a fic soon. It's about...well, being stuck in a power outage...surprise! 😂

30. What’s something that you want to write in 2024? I technically want to write sooo many things but I will narrow it down to a couple. The first one would be another installment out for Where do we go from here? I miss making things for Perciver, but 2023 really didn't let me give them the TLC they deserve. I looked back at my fic doc the other day, and I'm glad past!Krissy wrote drafts for 2 possible installments. They've got legs, so it would be amazing to get both of them out! I also want to see if I can get at least one of my longer Sterek fics posted up as well. Maybe it comes down to taking the baby steps to see which one I can finish first...the 50k 10-11 chaptered Beast that I started a year ago, or the 10-15k 5 + 1 Things fic that I started a month ago. We'll find out, I'm sure!

Thanks so much for the asks!

__ Previously asked: 15 and 17 Want to ask me more writer q's? Let me know via the 2023 in review fic writer asks!

#asked and answered #ask meme #2023 in review #fic writer asks #ask game #about me #writing

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hier--soir · 11 months

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This is a sort of weird question buttttt: Do you have any advice for writers on how to seek out like... advice givers/editors/pre-readers of their work (hopefully that makes sense). Like, the type of person where you can message them and be like "Hey, please read this and let me know what you think" yknow? And then they read over it and be like "Oohhh it would be really cool if you added (x)" because I just love that sort of thing where you can bounce off other like-minded individuals to get the best out of your work to make it satisfying for both yourself and readers. I have ideas bubbling in my head for a Joel series I wanna do but I just don't really know how to get it off the ground.

The writer struggle lmao

Idk how you cope tbh ngl, you seem really really good at fan/moot interaction (jealous /lh) <3

hey mate! sorry this took me a hot minute to respond to -- mainly because i was taking the time to consider a thoughtful answer🫠

and after all this time i fear the answer is that i do not have much good advice here - i do know that i've seen some people posting in my timeline about being down to beta read and/or edit for people writing particular characters, but i haven't been able to find these posts again unfortunately -- this could be something to keep an eye out for!

this is definitely a big writer struggle! and finding likeminded people to flesh out ideas and plot points and characterisations with is so invaluable! i think the only advice i could maybe give is to make a few posts calling out for anyone who'd be interested? personally, the only people i've ever considered asking to beta for me are moots that i've chatted with a lot and i know have a strong grasp of what i'm trying to achieve. i'm sorry i can't be of more help😵‍💫i appreciate you saying i seem good at interacting haha, i hope the fact that it took me a week [or longer?] to respond to this hasn't changed your mind,...💀

#ask #sereindreams #💌

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vaultsixtynine · 1 year

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26 & 28 for Vash and Darcy and as a little treat for me, 58 for WHF and Johnny

firstable. thank you <3

secondly let's do johnny and whf first because i miss them:

58 - Who’s more likely to hold a grudge after an argument?

The obvious answer is Johnny - and he does, for a little bit. They bicker often but a full-on fight is rarer and usually he bites harder than whf does in the moment - their chip keeps them quieter at the ignition point, but they actually hold onto the things he says to them for much longer after he's cooled off and had time to regret and forgive. He might churlishly remind her of something she said for a few hours, maybe a couple of days - but it's like three months later and he'll say something in a tone that might be considered snide and she'll just be like. I don't want to hear that from you, [repeats what he said to her in an argument 3 months ago verbatim].

Luckily! (for him), she will Let It Go if he apologizes if/when something gets brought back up, or it spawns a deeper discussion to map the edges of the hurt and navigate how to patch it (this is not done with therapyspeak, they are both terrible at Therapy). They've spent much of their life subdued in arguments and actually I think after awhile Johnny challenges them on it. Hey you're not gonna just not say your piece here but yell at me about it later, are you? Phrased LIKE THAT she realizes it's a bit silly - and as she gets more comfortable with him and also eventually gets the chip removed, she gets more comfortable in her anger also.

CUT FOR THE OTHER 2 :]

26 - What are their vices?

OUGH. Many of their vices directly feed back into their virtues in an ouroboros but that can be said of many people/characters.

Darcy - curiosity, dedication to a purpose at the exclusion of MOST other things, thinking she's always right (she is often right. however. don't be a fucker.), stubbornness, taking care of other people too much, is kind of goddamn reckless and assumes she can think her way out of any situation. i should give her some more vices/flaws tbh, i'll work on that

Vash - passive (common) and active (less common) forms of self-destruction, alcohol, "deserved" punishment, saying sorry too much, aimlessness, dedication to a purpose at the exclusion of all else, refusal to process anger productively or really at all, convincing himself he must be alone for the scales to balance correctly, is kind of terrible with money actually. i'm loathe to label most of his Coping With Being What He Is as a vice, so i won't. the alcohol is here because it is a problem that it's one of his only hobbies, regardless of how much it is or isn't a coping mechanism.

28 - What are there thoughts on pet names? Do they have any?

hi. yes. of coursseeeee. Darcy is a Nicknamer which means she had a nickname for Vash within 24 hours of meeting him - Sunshine, for the hair, but also Sunshine, for the smile and the general ease of being around him, even when he's being a bit odd and trying so hard to pretend he's Normal Normal Normal. it only gains more credence based on the fact that he burns noticeably warmer than the average human (because he isn't and also is a nuclear generator sewn into a human sock puppet) - which she didn't know at the time of giving it to him. She has a couple of others and will mimic other people's nicknames for him from time to time but Sunshine is ol' reliable.

Vash is less of an overt nicknamer but does like nicknames very much, they feel so special and individualized. Darcy has a threadbare little stuffed cow (one of her only possessions from childhood) named Clover and that was sssssoooo fucking cute when he found out but also something Vash could be annoying about, so he started calling *her* Clover as well. He also consistently referred to her as Miss Tanis to be a bit cheeky in their early days together where she was technically His Employer/Boss.

In terms of regular pet names - they take almost three and a half years to enter something resembling a formalized relationship (a blip on Vash's radar but also an eternity of longing for both of them bc time seems to move like molasses when you want something very badly and cannot have it), but they DO like standard pet names as well. Sweetheart is probably the most reliable one but darling and babe/baby will pop up as well.

#tee hee thank u marti #js tag #whatsherface #darcy #vash tag #silver lining

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curseofdelos · 2 months

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I feel like Camp Half-Blood should have some kind of support/education/mentor program for mortal parents of demigods, but considering that would require all the gods to remember all of their flings and give an accurate list of them once a year or something, well.....it's unlikely to ever happen.

tbh even if they don't know who their child's parent is, I think they could still receive such a service since unclaimed demigods are still taken to CHB, so their parents presumably know their kid is the child of a god even if they don't know which one, and still go through the same horrors that Sally, Naomi, etc go through 😬

BUT YES THERE SHOULD BE!!!!!

(Side note: going to focus specifically on CHB in this post since CJ is a different beast on account of the fact that, aside from our main characters, the Roman demigods are largely legacies with families living in New Rome that they can easily visit. Parents of Greek demigods have significantly less contact with their kids and are more in need of that support group)

I wrote a fic about Naomi Solace and how I think she would deal with the demigod thing (among other things) if you're interested in how I think she would handle it but. like. sending your child away for an entire summer (if not an entire year) is SUCH a difficult thing for a parent to do, especially when the reason they're sending them away is because CHB is the ONLY truly safe place for them to live and they're in danger of being killed every single day. Some kids are year rounders because they don't have parents/their parents are neglectful in some way, sure, but it's got to be difficult decision to make for the good parents.

And it doesn't help either that, by nature of having a child with a god, many of the mortal parents are single parents and don't have much of a support system (Annabeth and Percy are the only ones we know with stepparents which is wild to me). They are raising that kid by themselves, and their entire life revolves around raising them, and then their child turns twelve-ish and suddenly they have to send them away for an entire summer (if not longer) because their child is seeing creatures that aren't there and displaying weird powers that don't make sense, and now a guy with goat legs is telling them their child is at risk of being killed by monsters if they don't go to a summer camp to learn to protect themselves, like that's SO scary and such a big life change??

I think a lot about Sally Jackson, and how she was told that she had to send Percy to CHB and (iirc) she tells Poseidon no, she's not doing that, Percy is going to stay with her until she has no other choice but to send him away, and I LOVE that she makes that decision!! She is undeniably putting Percy at risk by not sending him to the demigod safe haven earlier, but she loves her son!! She doesn't WANT him to leave her!! Sally is someone who has experienced such great loss and hardship, and who has no family left other than Percy. She married an abusive man whom she hates just because he might afford Percy some protection. Percy is really the only bright spot in her life, and she doesn't want to give that up!!

But then the minotaur incident happens, and what other choice does she have? She sacrifices herself to save him, and then spends the rest of the series worrying to death about all the quests Percy is being sent on, and he straight up disappears for several months at one point. That's SO hard!! She didn't want him to go to CHB in the first place, and then when she finally lets him go, it's not even that safe!! She at least has Paul to confide in eventually, but even then, that's such a difficult thing to cope with.

What makes it even harder too is that the parents are not allowed to go to CHB. Sally can see it because she's special and can see through the mist, but even she can't cross the border to go inside. CHB is presented to them as this mystical utopia where the kids can finally be protected, but they have very limited understanding of what goes on there and what it actually is. Even visiting CHB for one day would give them a lot of comfort I think, and they don't even get that :(

A support group would be such a good thing for them <3 It would connect them to other parents who are going through/have gone through the same thing, and give the single ones someone they can confide in and lean on for support. It wouldn't entirely alleviate their worries, but it would make them so much easier to deal with <3

I like to imagine Sally Jackson and Naomi Solace connect and set something up <3 I have no idea what context they would meet let alone become friends, but I am choosing to imagine it anyway because I like them and it's what they deserve <3

#it makes sense that RR didn't go into this in the books because they're middle grade books #and middle grade aged readers want to read about kids with swords they don't want to read about the trials of single parenthood #but I'm an adult so I'm thinking about it CONSTANTLY #asks #mine

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harahmed · 5 months

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back on my bs i need a platform to vent and there's something about using tumblr to just throw it out there in the online void vs using google docs. google docs isn't risky enough to motivate me to write down my thoughts in a point in time when I am so inconsistent with writing venting in general. The past few years I've just been bottling it up and being a lot more anxious and irritable than what my baseline used to be until whatever it is that's bothering me either fades away or gets resolved. there's better coping mechanisms than this lol. so here we go, unfiltered, unworried about how my words will be perceived. just me and my feelings baby

getting back into the 'dating' aka finding wife game is so frustrating. i'm so used to the status quo set up by my past relationship and it's become abundantly clear that among my weaknesses are putting myself in other people's shoes, holding my tongue when something is said to me that questions my morality or doesn't take my feelings into consideration, and listening to understand instead of just to respond. that being said, it's so annoying and irritating how your own insecurities and my subjectively benign blunders have shaped this narrative that I am someone I'm not. someone not worth being trusted because you project your insecurities onto the meaning behind my actions when i am literally telling you that the meaning is something completely different to how you feel. it's so annoying that when i try to defend myself you take it as me playing the victim or trying to change the narrative or not taking accountability. like how disconnected can you be? it's crazy that you literally do the same thing to me where I say things and it goes in one ear and out the other and I can't even point it out because then i'm painting you out to be the villain when "i made the mistake." get over it lmao holy shit dude the mistakes i made were because of a lack of forethought not because of how you feel: that i made them out of repressed feelings towards someone else. it's so annoying everytime i try to stand up for what i find important you validate that i don't get that right because i'm the one who messed up. everytime i say anything that goes against exactly what you want to do then i MUST have feelings for my ex as opposed to anything else when i TELL YOU that is not the case. it's not my fault you and your ex had such a rocky finish that you cannot fathom me and my ex ending amicably and wanted to keep ties because we've been each other's best friends for years. it ended amicably and through our own individual choices because we both knew it was no longer compatible with the way we want to live our future lives. so there is no repressed feelings but holy shit do you make me miss her with your lack of trust and paranoia specifically about this. and it's so annoying that in counseling you literally just put the blame all on me as if your reactions aren't at minimum polarized to an outside of standard deviation degree. like you can't take any responsibility for how your reactions have shaped the situation your in and if i try to bring it up i'm putting the blame on you when i'm the one that made the mistake. like how dense can you be...both people are culpable it isn't just me me me everytime there's an issue that comes up. it's so anger inducing tbh and you're so confident that you are in the right wholly and completely that your brain cannot even entertain what i'm trying to say because that will require you to look and reflect at yourself which you feel no need to do because i'm the one that 'made the mistake.' when we barely know each other and i struggle so much with just keeping outside perspectives in mind. no matter how many times i repeat these things you always default back to your original thinking like you didn't even listen to any of the shit i said. then you say "you were talking at me that's why.' lmao what am i supposed to do when you refuse to choose to work with me in a way that requires you to change your own narrative.

you're so convinced that your initial reactions are completely valid and based in reality with like no emotional influence and then you expect me to act as if how you feel is the reality of the situation. if i give any pushback it's me fighting for my ex. like stfu how air headed can you be "oh if he's pushing back the ONLY explanation can be my insecurity projected onto the situation. any challenge of that narrative is me being gaslit because my perception is reality." if i wasn't going to Vancouver i swear i would've ended this by now. you literally pressured me to come and when i book you start acting unhinged to reality. so insecure and jealous. then you say 'i'm confident in myself' like clearly not because this is not how someone is confident in themselves behaves. 'i don't want to feel like i'm in competition' you're fucking not but you make yourself look so bad and give me so much ick when you act this way. i miss my ex so much holy shit you are so paranoid anytime i try to find a compromise it's me having feelings and fighting for my ex. get it in your thick skull that i can feel differently than how you think i feel. i'm so exhausted and sick of having to entertain your ridiculous narrative and act as if it's true because of your own weaknesses and insecurities. you have said so many times 'so i'm not crazy' in therapy when no one has ever said or hinted that you were but i've def been thinking it and clearly your subconscious suspects you are literally unhinged. then you go to a very basic thing like 'Islamically what's the verdict on him staying in contact with his ex' as if i'm trying to be constant everyday friends with her when would talk AT MOST FREQUENT once a month. it's the principle of the thing. obviously islamically i shouldn't be friends with any woman that isn't family or my wife. then you take that as validation for EVERYTHING you are setting an ultimatum for. it's so wacky my god. i wish i didn't tell my parents about you and i wish i didn't book that ticket to vancouver.

i'm so exhausted from dealing with this and dealing with you and your unreasonable thought process with everything. you just want me to do what you want without any thoughts of my own. just marry yourself holy shit you are so heavy hearted and difficult with this. it's sad because you were so light hearted with everything else but you are insufferable with this. i can't i just can't. when i point out inconsistencies in your logic and the reality you have the audacity to tell me ' i don't feel safe talking to you about this anymore' because i don't just kneel over and say you're right my bad when you are so far from having an accurate understanding of my feelings and of the reality right in front of your face. because you get triggered and can't appreciate your own weaknesses and how they affect your perception because *your feelings are valid.* like yes your feelings are valid for you to experience but that doesn't mean your feelings translate as a truth to the reality of what's actually going on you idiot. trying to validate your perception without fail without compromise is so narcissistic. i'm just so anxious and mad about this all the time now. and you're just so good at 'compartmentalizing' you can just expect me to break multiple decade+ long bonds because you're insecure about what they represent because you are just an insecure person that can't even see it. you expect me to cut off ties with a girl i had feelings OVER TEN YEARS AGO that never manifested to anything because you're insecure. like that is why. 'oh it makes me uncomfortable how he handles his past relationship.' no idiot you're just insecure. me talking to someone i had feelings for over 10 years ago once every 3 months makes you uncomfortable because you're insecure. it's not because there is inherently something wrong with the frequency and meaning of that interaction. yet i can't say that because it's toxic and weird that i would feel that way.

you said so many times you don't understand why unfollowing someone from instagram was emotional for you. like that perfectly exemplifies your problem. you say i can't see the bigger picture and i'm not denying that but that's the pot calling the kettle black. the fact i have said multiple times it is not about the instagram unfollow it's about what it represents ie the loss of a friendship and our counselor had to step in and say that to you as well for you to message me saying 'sorry you cried bc i asked you to unfollow your ex on IG' is ridiculous. it's ridiculous after being told multiple times that is not the issue at hand and just a representation of the broader problem for you to not understand it after being told that in multiple ways for 15 min by more than just me while i'm literally bawling that you STILL think the issue is instagram is actually crazy. that you can be so confident in your perception and your ability to empathize that when you can't empathize and your perception is inaccurate it automatically means the issue MUST be something with the other party involved. i'm so exhausted.

the only thing i can say is that we're both trying. i just WISH that in the same way i can take accountability for what my problems represent (without just kneeling over and saying oh you're right about how you see everything which is what you want me to do) you would take accountability for how your own reactions and insecurities feed into this issue instead of just blaming me and my issues every single time. i WISH SO BADLY you could just begin to even slightly entertain the idea that you are contributing to this cluster of misunderstandings and negative emotions towards each other with your own actions instead of it just being a me issue. you misunderstand me and my words and actions so much it's literally impossible to point out all the inconsistencies with what you believe i was thinking or was the motivation behind my words or actions to what i actually feel / am motivated by when i speak or act. you have issues just as much as me but bc 'i made the mistakes' you can't even begin to entertain that because you just validate that what you're feeling and the ultimatums you present to me bc of that are reasonable when they're just not. i hope this works out because everything else is good but holy shit this one singular issue is soooo much to deal with. and i get resentful bc you can just disconnect bc of your own traumas and live your life without being affected by this when i am just rattled with anxiety and irritability because i can't stop thinking about this and it affects everything i do. i know it's not fair to be resentful bc that's actually a me issue and something i can work on but you present the fact you can do that as a power move like 'oh yeah i'm not SO invested that it's affecting me outside of this.'

also it's so sad that you're willing to follow your ex just to spite me for what my original feelings were. idec if you do but the fact that you see that as such a immoral thing to do with me but are willing to present that same situation to your ex who is literally married is just sad to me and gives me so much ick. it's such a red flag that you are willing to break your own boundaries bc you think then i'll feel some type of way if you do that because you can't fathom that i just feel differently about this topic and it actually wouldn't bother me if you followed him. like it's so cringe honestly. you are so passive aggressive and then when i react you just are that pikachu meme of just so taken aback to my reaction when you're antagonizing me with bullshit and can't even recognize it because you feel so validated in everything you do. grow up jfc

i'm just so discouraged with all of this and so exhausted. at first it made me super sad and i would cry just thinking about how my ex treated things with so much empathy and understanding then i look at you and the difference is so vast. i know i shouldn't be comparing but i can't help it, you're paranoid about something that is not there and don't understand me so my anxious ramblings to you just look like my unrepressed feelings clawing out of me which is not at all the case. but you just don't know me and it feels like you don't want to get to know me if it means having to reflect on yourself bc once again you don't see anything wrong in what you're doing. and i'm just villainizing you when i try to point things out that you do that are suboptimal. what an exhausting cycle. i just want to be in a better place or find someone that isn't so distrusting. i've never been this distrusted in my life lol it's ridiculous and so triggering when you say shit like 'yeah so idk if that means he's been talking to her behind my back' or 'we'll see lmao' when i say i talked about unfollowing i can't help but react. i literally bawled my eyes out in front of you and you just have to let out the passive aggressive immature ass response. and i can't HELP but respond. what a petty thing to say, giving the same energy and pettiness of saying you'd follow your ex when idc if you do or don't lmao. then i respond with idw do this but i am being forced to if i wanna keep talking to you so i'm choosing to prioritize this over my relationship with my ex and i got perspective from her and your response is 'i need space' lmfao. i already know what the issue is...how could you talk to your ex about us?!? I NEED PERSPECTIVE WOMAN and ideas for compromise because you are insufferable trying to compromise with on this one thing. it's my way or the high way and i will fight with every fiber of my being not to just kneel over when i'm giving up something so important to me. so frustrating but alhamdulillah i was able to vent for a bit. hopefully next time we speak i won't be so reactive because i just can't help but get annoyed when you start saying some unreasonable shit because your narrative is so far removed from reality and you refuse to acknowledge that possibility in the slightest

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apixrl · 3 years

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DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

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spade-club · 2 years

Note

all of the asks for the ask game :3 (im really bored. forgive me.)

thank you so much ily. this took me many hours and is really long. I have had coffee today so please forgive me for these long as fuck posts.

What is one thing you wish everyone understood about DID?

I know I'm not 30 different people!! I know there are not people living in my head!!!! I just didn't know how to cope with existing, so I got broken up into pieces to try to make it easier. I'm one person behind all of this, I know I'm only one person. I'm one person who sometimes acts different and remembers different things and has different opinions and it just so happens those differences all tend to line up and correlate with each other, so I define those correlations. and when I define them, I have an easier time understanding how I am going to respond to different things and what my overall goals are in life. frankly, it can be really relieving to allow myself to connect little pieces in my brain, to figure out what makes me happy when in these different mental states. its self-discovery just like it is for anyone else, and just because I do it over and over and get different results a lot of the time doesn't make me crazy. it just helps me understand the wide array of who I can be and figure out who I want to be.

Are you in therapy? What is your experience with therapy like?

I only have a counselor and I haven't told her about the system, but I think she's aware I have a dissociative disorder and ill vaguely talk about it often. it gets a little hard sometimes to sidestep situations and talk about things but going on a "sometimes this affects me, but I can talk about it unemotionally right now, what do I do in situations where this begins to upset me again" or "I'm really indecisive about this, how do I find a good middle ground that'll actually work/remind myself that x is a good idea" tends to work pretty well. ultimately there's a lot of ways I've found to talk about my system without outright saying it that lead to still getting a little bit of help. still have no access to getting help with trauma work right now but for what I have I think I'm managing. (Also am considering telling my counselor about the DID thing at some point but I may not be seeing her much longer so idk if it would be worth it)

Do you have an inner world? If you do, what is it like?

I do!! it's not very expansive and doesn't get a whole lot of use, not to mention we don't have "inner world memories" or anything but it used to be a castle and the main room was the ballroom with a dancefloor, but it has since been changed into a theatre and those of us on the stage are the ones fronting and everyone in the seats is watching!! there's also a little garden and a big field and a library, some hallways and a couple of rooms (Chloe lives under the theatre seating its actually really cool) I think the bar that was previously in the ballroom has moved to the end of the weird curved hall but I'm not sure!! I haven't seen any of the NPCs since the front room changed. (I could go more in depth about this but it's a lot, esp considering we never use any of it)

What is communication like between you and the others? Do you have any particular systems set up to help with communication?

it's so bad!!! as far as internal comms our voices are indistinguishable most of the time, sometimes people think in pictures but then we can't see them, sometimes it's just feeling random emotions but nothing to go with it which is confusing!! otherwise it's still bad because we forget to check things all the time!! we have to send each other things on Tumblr to actually get them which means that still most of us won't get things if they aren't big Tumblr users/don't have their own account. memory is super super shaky (I think it's getting worse tbh) and like. aaa it's a STRUGGLE!! big shout out to the fact that we can sometimes just remember things as if someone told us, but no one did we just like, remember. like if someone was like "oh yeah when x comes out, they need to do/know this thing" and then they come out and are going about their day and suddenly go "oh! I have to do/be aware of this thing" it's like. the only good thing we have is that happens a lot but not always.

Has any conventional advice for DID ever not worked for you(journaling is unhelpful, can’t visualize an inner world, etc)?

uuuhhhh. idk I don't follow advice I'm just simply better. /Joke that said yeah, a lot of inner world stuff doesn't translate because its super hard for us to focus on it and a lot of it doesn't have very easy real-world equivalents. most stuff I've seen is really good though, but I surround myself with communities that are a bit more grounded in reality, just bc that's how I am too so it's just like, pretty cool :) (shout out Survivors Network im ur #1 lurker ily all so much) finding likeminded openminded communities can be soso healing <3

What does “safety” mean for you?

this question hard :( I don't know really. I don't think I've ever really felt safe? the closest I get is talking to my best friend. I think it's because I know I can tell her anything with no judgement. today I washed a dish for the first time in my 20 years on this earth, and that's something that I think a lot of people would think is weird or have something bad to say about, but I told her this, because I was proud of myself, and she told me she was proud of me too. she cared and was excited for me, for something so stupid that I should have already known. I think that's what safety is. feeling like I could say anything and not be judged, but instead be loved, accepted, and celebrated. and I think that means everything to me. I'm literally holding back tears while writing this haha it's just. so important to me, that feeling. it means everything. safety means acceptance and love, unconditionally. (And by proxy safety means her)

Do you have any introjects? How do you feel about their source? How do they feel about their source?

oh man. we have a few, yeah. 4 I think? two of people we know irl, another real person we don't know personally, and a fictional guy. that's the ones I know anyway. I know the fictional guy struggles the most with separating from their source, they feel very very strongly /pos about it and wants to go back. the introject of the person we don't know personally doesn't like associating with his source publicly (because people are for some reason weird about introjects of this guy SPECIFICALLY) but thinks that the person is very respectable, I don't think he fully likes everything about his source, but he gets why this person is who he was based off of and I think he would be proud of it if people online weren't weird. the ones of irls I don't know as much about, but I think Nat just finds being an introject kinda funny bc that means they get to be in my head lol, idk what they think about real Nat though, and the other one is ?????????? literally no idea but that guy is vibing sometimes (v lucky to not have any bad connotations around the sources any of them have, except maybe one of them but there's a lot of question marks for a reason)

Do you have any non-human alters?

kind of. Ghost is uhm, well, a ghost, and he has a lot a lot of issues with being in a physical body which is like. so strange but I don't want to share any details just in case!! Oz is nonhuman too, but I don't think it affects them at all??? they're like, also kinda ghosty but idk how they define it I can only go based on their source for that and I know they don't fully identify with certain things so idk!!

Is there anything that makes you feel like your experience with DID is “different” than what you see other people with DID talk about?

answer

Who is the most likely to get into a fight (physical or verbal?) Who’s the most likely to try to patch things up afterward?

oh man. I think MJ probably, because he's anxious and irritable and so much symptom, I think he's gotten into arguments more than anyone else heh. and idk about the second half!! usually problems just go away!! though I think MJ also just fixes things afterwards himself when he has to, idk though!! hard to say esp now we're on meds.

Does anyone wish they could make big changes to your body’s appearance?

yes. all the time. the amount of surgeries and tattoos and different hair etc etc etc we would have if everyone were to try to get their way is. so much. we're doing what we can for now but there's a lot of conflicting wants!!

Choose some parts/alters and describe each in 5 words or less.

no <3

What does dissociation feel like for you?

so tired. switching especially makes me feel like I have to take a nap, and my stomach starts hurting a bit and I can't focus my eyes and my thoughts get so disorganized. other dissociation is more like, I just don't feel attentive OR I do feel attentive, but I just can't move my body enough to express that I am paying attention and having full thoughts, sometimes that one lasts hours and I hate it because I can't do anything at all!! and often I get stuck sitting uncomfortably, but I can't move and it bad because I know better but I can't move :((((

How often do you think you switch?

this one's really variable, sometimes it's not for days (rare now that we have no real host) and sometimes its 5 or 6 times in a day! depends on a lot of things! there's also the time MJ was frontstuck for a whole month, so it's like, really varies. on average right now though it's about 2 to 4 a day but we're really bad at knowing who's who anymore bc.... meds are really making us weird (but it's really good for us at least short term so it's okay)

Do any of you experience body dysphoria or dysmorphia?

yes. so much. the hell that is having dysphoria both ways is so wild. and I know dysmorphia is like, so huge with us. it also goes in every direction too, and we haven't been able to figure out the patterns with it yet, but we will go from "why am I so tall" to "why am I so short" and same with body mass n shit. a lot of the time we don't even see anything in the mirror or when we look down, it's all just blurry concept of person. I will say though, despite often not feeling like it's us in the mirror, we actually really enjoy looking in mirrors and I cannot figure out why ?? maybe because sometimes it just feels like another person to talk to because we don't feel like it's us?? idk though!

How many parts/alters do you think you have at this time?

we have 29 written down but its suspected its actually 50 if not more. though if I were to count specifically parts, we've heard from more than once since we started paying attention it would be 20, so that's the number we prefer to use right now, and in terms of frequenters there's 8 of them (yes, I just gave you four different numbers idc its confusing)

If you have younger parts/alters, what makes them happy or excited?

actually, skipping this one bc our main little values their privacy and idk much about the other ones

Do you consider yourselves to be covert or overt about having DID?

both? probably more overt honestly but who tf is even gonna notice anyway? though people who meet candle first would for sure notice something was off if they met anyone else bc when she lets herself be herself it's so wildly different, but she's also closest thing we have to host rn so we're all picking up her mannerisms a bit I think.

Do you experience denial often? How do you react when you experience it?

not really? I guess it's mostly that when we do instead of freaking out, we go "even if that's not what this is, believing I'm a system has helped me significantly, and I am not causing anyone any harm in believing this until I can get a better answer" and then I get over it. the worse denial is about what I've been through and feeling like it wasn't "bad enough" to talk about. best thing for us in that situation is to just disengage with the thing making us feel like that because there's no right answers other than "but it still hurt so it is bad enough" and that doesn't always help.

What grounding methods or skills work best for you? Do different skills work better for different parts/alters?

cold works so well!! ice water or just generally holding or drinking something really cold is great for grounding, but it comes with the added side effect of MJ will probably show up. other than that, it's just. all music. music is literally so everything to us and keeps us grounded better than anything else, I think. we're also pretty big on riding out the dissociation because it usually goes quicker to accept it whenever possible.

What does “recovery” mean for you?

I think, in terms of the two main recovery styles, I think currently we're aiming for functional multiplicity, but ideally having a much smaller number of us at that point. but in terms of what that would mean? I think it's about having a functional life, being able to live on our own or with some sort of partner but not rely on them, have a stable job, be able to keep up with hobbies, finally being able to feel like life is real. really like, the bare minimum for mentally well people lol. mostly I just want to know I can keep up good relationships with others and feel truly like I'm alive, derealization is a bitch, but it's my bitch and I want it dead. 0/10 worst symptom I've got.

#this may be the longest post on the site uhm #got carried away... didnt I #this took like 3 hours what the heck????#coffee sure does do something to me

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bookofmirth · 4 years

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I haven't read ACOSF yet, and tbh I'm rather rusty with the characters but it was really interesting to read your opinion on Elain! I feel there's a lot of complexity to her. And how she presents herself as well because as you said we literally have no chapters from hers or Lucien's POV and I think that's the important point to note because right now we're all just guessing and assuming her to be like Feyre, but she's not. People deal/show their traumas in different way and l think people expect Elain to deal with it as Feyre did. But, Feyres trauma and Elains are very different!

I don't really know what I'm saying. But I read your answer and it made me go 'oh... Huh!' in a good way, it sparked my curiosity! So thank you! But I think Elain perhaps is the most complex person with their trauma. I know people say 'oh Nesta is so different' but (I specialised in drama therapy so I love psycho analysis) and what Nesta did is self destructive to prevent relationships to avoid hurt or more emotions that she doesn't want to acknowledge (in my opinion!)

Elain just shuts down. She doesn't drink, she doesn't screw, she just remains in her garden which in itself says a lot! That's a very grounding way to handle trauma and not a lot of people are aware of that side!

So yeah I don't know what I'm saying but I think it's a really interesting discussion!

I have so many thoughts about Elain! This took me a few days to get to because i knew I had a crapton of thoughts. So this is basically me using this ask to explain the way I see Elain post-acosf!

There are three important scenes in acosf off the top of my head: when Elain talks with Nesta and they fight, and then with Nesta and Feyre and she gets mad and leaves, and then Feyre and Rhys talk about her in their chapter. We’re getting a lot more information about her, and for me, it wasn’t so much about who she is, but why we don’t know who she is.

So far, what we’ve had is Feyre’s and Nesta’s POV. Even when Feyre and Lucien tried to help her in acowar, they were unable. So we’ve never had anything about Elain from someone who didn’t grow up with her and experience the same trauma (such as becoming destitute, their mother’s death, their father being beaten, the Cauldron, etc.)

The sisters do handle it very, very differently. And I think that at this point the fandom consensus is that Elain runs away from her problems, but I actually disagree, and partly because of what you mentioned - that she isn’t using those self-harming, destructive coping mechanisms. Nesta was avoiding her problems, hardcore. It’s absolutely possible that Elain avoids things, but I don’t think that she just runs from all of her problems because:

Elain grieves her father. Openly. She tries to accept the fact that it wasn’t her fault and that she couldn’t do anything about it. (See: her going to his grave in acofas, her first talk with Nesta in acosf.) Elain does not run from her grief, she doesn’t pretend it doesn’t exist, and she doesn’t hide it from others. As one of the most defining events we’ve seen her go through in the series, that’s a pretty big deal.

Elain does not cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There could be ways that she does this that we are unaware of. She does seem like the type who would be really, really good at making people think she’s okay, all while she’s silently imploding. But we don’t know that yet?

Elain does not isolate herself.

However, Elain definitely needs to deal with some stuff! She definitely needs to deal with Lucien, and she needs to have an actual talk with Nesta because I don’t remember a single satisfying resolution between those two in acosf. Not like Nesta had with Feyre.

I have this idea that is purely based on Elain’s line in acosf:

“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow, all you think of is what my trauma did to you.” (pg. 233)

And then Feyre tells Nesta that yes, Elain was right.

This is so so so sossosososos important. I cannot emphasize it enough. Elain is used to putting on a fake, smiling face because she doesn’t want the weight of her sisters’ concern. She has been pretending to cope for so long - and tbf, she seems to have been doing better than Nesta - that people not only forget that she has suffered, but she doesn’t feel like she can even express that suffering.

Emotional labor often means negating one’s own feelings in order to acknowledge or tend to someone else’s. And that is Elain’s major role, in the series. Feyre has been caring for everyone’s physical wellbeing (hunting), while Elain’s role has been to care for everyone’s emotional wellbeing. But, like with most emotional labor, it has gone unnoticed.

I’ve made posts about emotional labor in the past (four years ago!!!!) but I’m gonna spare you the link because a lot of it was about a ship that’s no longer a ship, so here is the relevant content:

What I am talking about is the regulation of emotion - any time that you give comfort, are especially attentive to someone’s needs, stop thinking about how you feel in order to focus on how someone else feels, try to cheer someone up, make sure that they are taking care of themselves, try to allay their insecurities, etc. Basically, helping them with any sort of emotional distress.

You know those posts you’ve seen, about women protecting men’s egos constantly? Or about making time for self-care? Or about recognizing toxic relationships? That tell you “if X is being demanded of you in a relationship, get out”? Those are ALL about emotional labor, broadly speaking. They are warning you not to do more than you can handle, more than you need to do, because it can be harmful to you.

If you have ever been expected to make a person or people feel better any time you are around each other (including when they are angry, upset, anxious, ill, frustrated, insecure, etc.), you have performed emotional labor. Pretty much everyone has done this at some point, unless you are a completely insensitive jerk.

Notice, though, that I said expected to and any time you are around them – this is where the problem comes in for YOU. This is not about just being there for a friend.

Making loved ones feel better is fantastic. Seeing people be polite and kind to one another makes my heart shine. That is not a problem in and of itself. That can be seen as emotional labor, but there are no requirements on you in those circumstances. This is something you are doing of your own free will.

The problem, again, is when this is expected, constantly, over time. Now, in my experience, the expectation is not necessarily coming from the other person. One of the problems with this type of labor is that not only do others expect women to perform these tasks, but women expect it of themselves.

It’s super easy to see this – who is expected to take care of a child when they fall? Who is expected to baby-sit? Who did you want when you were sick as a child, mom or dad? Who is expected to be sensitive and pay attention to others’ emotions?

For more info on this idea specifically, read Of Woman Born by Adrienne Rich. As a woman, I realized how much work I had been performing and how much it was harming me and I just… got real upset. She comes at this mostly from what a woman’s role is expected to be within the family, and might actually be a bit outdated in that respect because I feel like family structures and dynamics are shifting (that is a totally un-academic evaluation of the situation, don’t quote me on that), but still, it’s really informative.

While I was doing some research for this post I came across a peer-reviewed article about nursing and basically, high amounts of emotional labor led to anxiety and burn-out in those performing it. It literally will cost your mental health – not to mention your time, energy, attention, and it often requires you to ignore your own needs (this last part came from me, not the article). On the other hand, high levels of emotional intelligence (being able to recognize your own and others’ emotional states) meant less emotional labor (and therefore less anxiety & burn-out). One of the most important things to realize is that while you are taking care of someone else’s emotional needs, your own are frequently unmet. That is why it’s important to recognize this in yourself, not just in these characters.

So where does Elain fit in? Elain is the #1 emotional labor provider of the family, and she is about to freaking SNAP. I know, because once I realized how my trauma was hidden in order to spare someone else its consequences, I fucking SNAPPEd. I’ll also spare you the personal details, but Elain hasn’t been “okay”. She hasn’t been “boring”, or “nice”, or “chosen” Feyre over Nesta. She has literally been unable to express herself because (and I am NOT blaming Nesta or Feyre or her father one bit) her family’s emotional state has been so fragile, there hasn’t been room for Elain to feel or express her emotions in years.

In the feysand short, Rhys says:

I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.

And that completely tracks. Everyone has gotten used to Elain being not just “nice”, but being the emotionally predictable one. The one they know they can go to for a smile. The one they can count on for never, ever making them realize that she has been through Some Shit Too. And being that person is exhausting.

When Feyre thinks about Elain not using Lucien’s gloves, 1) she still has them, otherwise she couldn’t think about Elain not using them, and 2) I like to see the gloves as something that she will come to use, once she realizes that she can feel and express those emotions without it causing a breakdown in the family. Right now, she just wants to feel. And she can’t do that emotionally, so she’s doing it physically. Once she heals and finds a better balance, she won’t need to resort to physical pain. (Which, lowkey has me thinking some other thoughts, but.... maybe later.) But anyway, once Elain does go through her very own special journey, I fully expect her to welcome those gloves. She won’t need physical pain to feel anymore.

Not to mention my completely unacademic and non-professional opinion that people will judge a nice women harshly for being rude once, but accept a woman with a history of rudeness for just “being that way”. It’s another way that Elain may feel trapped in her “nice girl” persona. I think she started out that way - kindness and light and generosity is 100% in Elain’s character in the first place. It’s not as if she went into the Court of Nightmares and suddenly Cassian thought, “wait, she fits right in to this shithole of depravity”. No, he still thought the literal opposite. It’s just that once people get used to you doing all their emotional labor, they will continue to take advantage of it, even if they don’t realize its cost.

#elain #acosf #acosf spoilers #spoilers #ask #PHEW I needed to get that off my chest too #midnight-wonder

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fantasy-dating-sim-trash · 3 years

Text

Have I lost my shit?

Do I have ur attention now? Cuz there's a picture of the pretty boy Satan?!?

Good cuz now I have things to say, so plz stay and listen 🥺

Also it might be a small info dump cuz I'm excited about this

Well to cope with an unforseen medical issue (not Covid thank the gods) I've been playing obey me

Note I only play when I'm not in agonizing pain where I can't focus (when I'm screeching pain I can't focus)

I've also been playing since April so I know the game system by now.

So to cope with being stuck at home I've been making Spread sheets

Yes

You read that right

I've been making

Mother fucking

SPREAD SHEETS

If you wanna see & read more look under the cut

I'm well aware I'm a fucking nerd (partly why I got bullied growing up but that's BESIDES THE POINT)

Now you may ask why spread sheets? And wtf are you making spread sheets on?

Listen

Don't judge me to harshly

But it's for Obey me

Yes I made spread sheets for a Gotcha game

SUE ME

This is how I'm choosing to cope (aka try and ignore the pain) with my issue.

Now if you have read this far I congratulate you.

Your probably wondering why spread sheets?

Tbh I have no fucking idea either.

And your probably like GET ON WITH YOUR POINT! ARE WE EVEN GONNA SEE THESE DAMN SPREAD SHEETS!?! WHO CARES???

First of all

I'm GETTING THERE! IM A DRAMATIC BITCH! HOLD ON I JUST GOTTA BE DRAMATIC FIRST!

Second off

YES, YOU WILL! I'M GONNA SHARE THEM BECAUSE I PUT HOURS OF WORK INTO THEM OKAY, & I THINK THEY LOOK NICE

Lastly,

I DO BITCH!

I spent so much time on these! And I just think it's neat & fun! (Who the fuck finds making spread sheets fun dumb ass? Apparently I do.)

It all started when I got stuck in chapter/lesson 21.

I figured I should start paying attention to the sins and which cards had which sin but I got confused. Cuz I knew I had to pay attention to the top 3 sins but only the first one was obvious. The other two not so much. So naturally what do I do.

Make a god damn spread sheet. To make it easier on my brain.

*SLAPS DOWN EXAMPLE #1*

Now obviously its way longer than this but you get the idea. I bolded the top three so I knew immediately which where the top three. And each one has the sin color in the back cuz I hate scrolling up and down trying to remember which Sin I was looking at and then forgetting which card it was for. I've also had this one for the longest. And every time I get a new card I update the sheet.

Now Its gotten pretty long & now I have new charts!

I was curious as to what sin combinations show up and for lonely devil shit how many times I'd have to open them to get specific SSR/UR cards. be they Demon or Memory cards.

So I made a new a new chart!

(technically 2 new chart layouts, and they're made up of smaller charts. It was supposed to be 1 big one. Oops my bad!)

*SLAPS DOWN SECOND CHART LAYOUT*

Edit: a lot of my math is pretty accurate for when you have gotten far enough in the game where you just 3 star all the event battles! So plz be warned that the math may not look exactly like this if your just starting out. It may look different for u depending on how many stars u get per battle!

Now this one I made just for Lonely Devil, specifically for the older events that I don't have cheat cards for. And I have to just suffer with the bare minimum items gathered. We have 3 smaller charts in here. And I have pics so you can read them.

*slaps down chart 3*

This one I pretty simple its just the math for the days. For total battles, how much AP is gonna be used in total, and how many items you should get at the end of it.

*slaps down chart #4*

This one is to keep track of what sins combinations are important in the event. Plus the items you get in each stage. (It makes more sense when its filled in)

*Slaps down chart 5*

This also is kinda self explanatory

How many times you have dome the Event in LD, how many items you have (this changes per event), what cards there are.

Now since these are all blank, its hard to grasp what I'm saying.

But I HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT!

I have a full example chart FILLED OUT for this type of Event!

*shoves the LAYOUT BACK down*

The example here is the Bunny Boy Event just an FYI.

When its DONE IT LOOKS LIKE THIS!!!

For this example I'll be showing the bunny boy event, since it's what I was doing.

Yes its hard to read and I've got you YET AGAIN!

*furiously slaps the charts back down*

So here's all the information in the chart where you can see it :D

I'm honestly really proud of how these turned out. Idk if anyone is actually gonna look at these or read this far down. But if you did, I thank you!

I also ran out of photo space so I can't show the second chart for events going on currently. I'll make a different post for that if people wanna see it. Who the fuck am I kidding I'm gonna share it anyway.

(CLICK HERE FOR PART 2 OF THIS MADNESS) PS the next spread sheet is kind of math heavy so plz be prepared for that :)

I hope you enjoy my spread sheets. I worked really hard to make them look nice and be easily understood/legible.

If you liked it plz let me know :)

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tamhrayis · 3 years

Note

Did you see spoilers for volume 34? According to them Mikasa visits Eren’s grave with her husband and child. Husband kind of looks like Jean from the back. Also Paradis Island was destroyed because of the war, but the power of Titans did not disappear.

I don't know how about you, but if this really turns out to be true then I am really done with this story. Like 139 was so painful, but I was somehow able to accept it and cope with it. But this is totally next level. After all the pain Isayama caused to us (EM's) in the end, I am not willing to accept also this. This is my limit. I don't know if Isayama really hates us so much and wants to constantly hurt us or what (even though we are the ones who have been defending him after the ending), but this is just something I can never accept. What are your thoughts on this?

Hi!!!🤣🤣

Tbh, it was a long day for me and I literally took a short nap and woke up seeing this bs. Naur, I don’t believe that these are true, because:

1. Volume isn’t even out yet and how on earth this person can have “leaks” in the middle of May? Sorry not sorry, but I would at least partly believe them if they at least came out at the end of May. Be it zekken or any other “reliable”leaker, I didn’t, don’t and won’t believe anything unless I see some real proof. Any person can write something and call it a day by saying that’s some real leaks.

2. On the behalf of Mikasa moving on. I feel okay about it overall, but ending vise...Just what’s the point of creating a romcom series for EM and make Mikasa write “My most beloved, my dear” on Eren’s gravestone? Even if JK is happening, it should’ve been included in the ending, but...no? We don’t see it and even if he combed his hair to look good in history books, why not to explicitly show that it was for Mikasa? Don’t get me wrong, but Isayama even recalled Reiner’s “crush” on Historia, but didn’t say anything about Jean’s. It feels sus and illogical writing vise for me🤷🏻‍♀️

3. Paradis being destroyed and titans apparently existing is the biggest joke🤣 If they actually exist, who is creating them? Where did these Eldians come from? Especially if Ymir is free and no longer responsible for titan factory🤣 Just nothing but b u l l s h i t.

On top of that, these 8 pages shouldn’t change the whole ending and let it make a full 180 so suddenly. It might clarify something, but reading these felt like reading that usurper bs mixed with anr—

Anyways, anon, I strongly suggest you to not pay that much attention to these things unless we get some real proof🤷🏻‍♀️

#pffft #anyways #EM ROMCOM ON JUNE 5✨#eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #eremika #shingeki no kyoujin #attack on titan #t-talks #ask

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myvirtuesuncounted · 2 years

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Insane anon back okay so basically- I grew up in a VERY Christian household (as I'm sure you can imagine from the pig incident yes we're calling it that now) my grandparents are extremely Christian and nearly all of my aunts and uncles are too, and the ones who aren't still do stuff like "don't say oh my god it's disrespectful" and go to church if asked and whatever. My town is generally like this too so everywhere I go I'm most likely going to see or hear something to do with religion. So I didn't really pay much mind to religion considering I'm really little and too busy collecting Pokemon cards ponder the possibilities of heaven or hell, much less moral philosophy and ethics which we're led to believe is what gets us our sentences in the first place. So my school taught us religion, but we had to have our parents say if we could attend or not. Take a wild fucking guess what my parents then condemned me to. So then I had to show up to a religion class like every day to learn about God and such. Now, because my school had only labelled the subject "religion" and not "Christianity" (which is the only religion they even taught us, dickheads) my small child brain registered that religion = Christianity and they're just two interchangeable words for each other. Which is, to say the least, not correct. But I didn't know that I was 8 and so I went on like this for admittedly longer than I should have qeygdjoaudgjldugas but anyway- I learnt all about Jesus and Mary and God and everything there was to know. Well when I say learnt I really mean "picked up as much information as I could" cuz let's face it teaching a religion class to a herd of 8 year olds who have had next to no prior experience to religion is pretty much just "yeah tbh I would murder my brother too I get it" "I wonder if Jesus played bass I feel like he would" "mr religion teacher what's a virgin and why is Mary one?" So yeah fun. But then eventually religion class ended for the term. Except. I was friends with a few other kids who were Muslim and Buddhist and Hindu and other religions that weren't Christian. And keep in mind I still don't know there's more than one religion I think it's just another word for Christianity. So while they're sharing their experiences with their gods and traditions and such, I'm registering it all as one big thing. And so my small child brain is like "oh I guess there must be just a bunch of different gods in religion huh cool I wonder when lunch will end." So all this time I'm walking around with the idea of like every god to ever exist (yes even the what 500 I think Egyptian gods they had) just existing at the same time and this made complete sense to me. And Diya my friend I am going to be completely honest with you I didn't realise religion didn't just mean only Christianity until I was like 11 it's embarassing but true 😭 I also thought Islam was a country. I'm so glad no one on this webbed site knows my irl identity I don't know how I'd cope with you people having a name to put to this 😭😭😭 but yeah point is don't be a dumb shit like me and teach your kids what religion actually means please I can't stand the thought of there being more of this nonsense. Also my religion teacher didn't believe in evolution and thought David Attenborough was manipulating us all. Idk how he got that job. But yeah. Bonus story: I asked my religion teacher "wouldn't Jesus have been black because of the place where he was born, why am I seeing a bunch of skinny white people" and he told me to ask Jesus myself and gave me a colouring sheet and walked away and I'm 8 I don't know how to commune with all-knowing immortal beings so I just wrote yes and no on my eraser and flipped it a bunch of times. So yeah if you guys were wondering Jesus is a black trans man and he loves abortion and autism and hates billionaires this is a fact because I said so okay peace ✌️

this is why we hate religion classes that only teach christianity, and that last bit about jesus, preach 🙏

#diya answers #anon #my old school had bible studies class as compulsory #even as a senior year subject when you're meant to have full agency over your classes

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ladycatofwinterfell · 3 years

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I interpreted that Catelyn scene as if Jon didn't exist, her family would not have faced tragedy. Yes, she was blaming herself for not loving Jon but she was also indirectly blaming Jon for even existing. I also hated the part where she said her love with Ned was better than a passionate love affair in the words. As if being married off with a bridal price, passed from father to husband like an object is better than genuinely falling in love. I never liked Catelyn and it's not because she has strong opinions or because she started the war or whatever bs people hate her for I just think she's kinda...in her own head?? She lacks perspective tbh like she can't put herself in other people's shoes. Like when she tells Renly and Stannis: just get over it your brothers, I cringed because they obviously do not care about their relationship and only care about being king. They were raised differently than you Cat! I get that she's a victim of the patriarchy and she is coping so I really try to give her the benefit of the doubt but idk maybe I'm not mature enough for that. When characters like Brienne and Sansa exist, it makes Catelyn look bad (that scene in the books when Cat asks Edmure why are all the peasants here is yikes!). That being said, the fact that she has flaws makes her compelling. Also don't get me wrong, I do not think she is an awful person and I DO NOT blame her for ignoring Jon, that's all on Ned. Sometimes I think I dislike her because I kinda see myself in her. I have tried so hard to like her because her haters suck but I just can't.

It’s completely fine, anon, you don’t have to like Cat. As long as you don’t act like an ass about it you can dislike any character you want, I don’t judge you. Sometimes one simply doesn’t vibe with certain characters for different reasons. I don’t necessarily agree with you but I like that you explain your reasons instead of just going “catelyn sucks because she’s mean” as I have seen a lot people do. Also, I genuinely really like this ask as it made me think a lot, so thank you, anon.

The rest will be under the cut because I got carried away with my answer and it got a lot longer than I had initially planned

And now, before I start explaining my view on this, I want to say that I’m no expert at analyzing media or anything else. I’m a fan of the asoiaf books, and I have watched got, that’s it. These are just my views on Cat and the parts that were mentioned in this ask. If anyone disagrees or would like to come with a different perspective, feel free to do so, seeing different views on a topic is good for everyone.

I’m going to assume you mean the motherless child scene, and from that I didn’t get the feeling that she blamed Jon as she not once mentioned him negatively in that scene. He was just a poor innocent child. She repeatedly said that she herself was a terrible person though, which conveys the message that she blamed no one but herself for how the situation turned out and found herself responsible for it. In other scenes we see her acting cold towards Jon, but in this particular scene she doesn’t seem to be angry at him at all, she’s only angry with herself. This in turn makes it seem like she actually is to blame and that she should have loved him, which is wrong. She had no responsibility to take care of her husband’s illegitimate love child. Though in show canon I thought of it as her trying to find a reason for why everything that did happen happened, because she had a hard time making sense of it. She looked back at things she had done that could have been considered wrongdoings and wondered if maybe she could have prevented the deaths of her husband and (as far as she knew) children.

You also mentioned the stone by stone scene. I rewatched it now, and I can sort of see what you mean as she can be interpreted as a bit judgmental in that scene. However, her intention wasn’t to tell Robb about how her love was a supreme love, it was to try to get him to understand that an arranged marriage could turn out good. He had to marry a Frey because that was arranged for him and bad things could happen to him and his cause if he didn’t, so she tried to make him believe in that a marriage to a Frey girl he didn’t know could be a good marriage. This by explaining that her arranged marriage was good. Fine, she didn’t immediately fall in love with her husband, but she slowly came to love him over the years and that could be the cause in Robb’s marriage as well.

What we also need to remember in regards to that scene is that that’s the way marriage works in Westeros. If you’re highborn you don’t marry for love, you have a marriage arranged for you for the sake of forming an alliance between two families. That’s not better than genuinely falling in love, but that’s the way it works. In this case it’s even more important since Frey is so prickly and might pull the rug from under Robb’s feet if he feels insulted. And Cat wants her son to see that, wants him to understand that it is dangerous to break a that important alliance. She tries to get him on a safer path than the one he’s going down. But she also wants him to know that he can be happy in an arranged marriage. She tells him about her and Ned to explain that it is possible for him to learn to love his bride, so that he might reconsider his choice.

Now to a quick one. I agree, Cat didn’t start the war. She took Tyrion hostage because based on the info she had he had tried to murder her son. Tywin “war criminal” Lannister started the war by sending men to pillage and destroy the Riverlands

On the next one I’m actually inclined to agree. Catelyn is a bit in her own head. On top of that she’s very stubborn, which makes it more apparent. She tends not to see things from other perspectives than her own, that is definitely one of her flaws. It doesn’t make her a bad person, but it is a flaw, and I can see why some people would have a hard time with that particular flaw. Though she’s not always in her own head, several times we are shown that she has a nose for politics and is actually quite good at understanding other people and their wants. She has perspective on several situations, and can change her mind if things changes or doesn’t turn out as planned.

When it comes to the conflict between Renly and Stannis I really get her frustration. Yes, she had trouble understanding their conflict and found it ridiculous as she was raised and lived by the words “Family, Duty, Honor” and the mindset that family always comes first no matter what. But at that point I think most people would share her thoughts, as she was in a situation where she had started to become desperate. She wanted them to stop fighting each other and understand that they needed to fight together against the Lannisters, who were everyone’s common enemy. This with good reason, they killed her husband and as far as she knew still had both her daughters. Of course she wanted them to stop their feud and unite for the cause of defeating the Lannisters.

I’m going to agree on the next one as well. Cat lives in a patriarchal, classist society and buys into that because that’s all she knows, no one can deny that she has a classist and patriarchal mindset. That’s what she was raised by, that was what she was taught. Cat is in many senses the perfect lady by Westerosi standards. But despite believing in the patriarchal society she’s also at times thoroughly frustrated by it, as we see when she starts losing her influence as an advisor after Ned dies. It’s an interesting internal conflict, and as you said, she’s coping. You mentioned Brienne and Sansa as examples of characters that make Cat look bad in this sense. I don’t agree with that, I think these three characters cope with the patriarchal society in different ways although Brienne has a much more sympathetic way to do so in the eyes of modern readers. Cat definitely isn’t innocent of having spread those views, as she tries to make sure her children live by them, but she’s also not the devil here.

But yes, although she doesn’t call them peasants, that scene doesn’t look great. I won’t deny that either, because it’s true. All the highborn characters, yes even your fave no matter who that is, are classist. And that’s not me trying to defend Cat, that’s just the truth.

As for your ending, yes, her flaws makes her a very compelling character. It’s what makes her interesting, perfect characters are painstakingly boring. She’s not an awful person, and she’s not to blame for the situation with Jon. That one’s definitely on Ned.

You’re also right in that her haters very often suck.

Thanks for your ask, this was very interesting and I hope to see you in my inbox again in the future!

#catelyn stark #catelyn tully #this makes me really curious about if you follow me despite that my blog is 95% cat or if you don’t follow me #and just wanted to pop in to send me this #either way id like to thank you for not being rude to me for our differences as I have noticed rudeness is common in this fandom #and for that I got to have very interesting conversations with several of my mutuals about this #I also love the ‘her haters suck’#not even people who dislike cat likes her antis

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