#this is why i dont leave it as a private post and instead as a draft

[constellies]

Making a masterpost for my wip and thought Tumblr didn't save the changes after I added each summary and I was so terrified for a moment . Oh my god

[in-my-feels-probably]

hi hi hi!!! i saw that you were open to shadow and bone requests and i was wondering if you’d be willing to write a nikolai lantsov imagine? just imagine princess!reader being forced into an arranged marriage with the second son of the king of ravka, and instead of going through with it she runs away. she then stumbles upon a particularly charming privateer who just so manages to win over her heart……

Enchanted

Request: hi hi hi!!! i saw that you were open to shadow and bone requests and i was wondering if you’d be willing to write a nikolai lantsov imagine? just imagine princess!reader being forced into an arranged marriage with the second son of the king of ravka, and instead of going through with it she runs away. she then stumbles upon a particularly charming privateer who just so manages to win over her heart…

and: btw I saw your post about sab season 2 and i would like to request something with nikolai. i dont really have any ideas but i love that blonde boy so anything that you'll write with him is going to make me happy- but if its angst please im begging for a happy ending im already depressed because im reading rules of wolves

and: omg omg omg enchanted x nikolai sounds so perfect 😭 literally written for him

Hi! I absolutely adore these requests, thank you for sending them in. And sorry for the long wait, I’ve been a bit busy. And please bear with me while I try and get the hang of writing for Nikolai, this is only my second time. Also, this request was combined with two others, I hope that’s alright, and sorry for anyone who’s request was altered a little bit to fit this story. I’m happy to accept another request if you don’t like this one. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this! 

(Warnings: arranged marriage, swearing, very very brief angst, very vague suggestive content, drinking, let me know if i missed anything)

—

You had nearly begged on your knees when you found out you were to be wed, pleading with your parents’ advisors. 

You were no fool. You knew that one day you’d have to marry, and you were prepared to do your duty. A Princess isn’t awarded the luxury of a choice, and you knew any match that was made probably wouldn’t be from a place of love. But you never thought your parents would be prepared to ship you off to a man none of you had ever even laid eyes on, and that’s including the advisors.

A second son, and a rumored bastard at that. It was all happening too fast, and you weren’t having an easy time processing it. 

“You can’t send me! We already have an alliance with Ravka, why send me still?”

One of the men had stood, trying to ease you. “You must go, Princess. We may have an alliance, but our forces need to be strengthened. Prince Vasily is already spoken for. Marrying you to Prince Nikolai is the fastest way.”

“I am told he is charming, if it is any consolation,” another man said, though his voice was firmer. “It is time, Princess, for you to do your duty. You will marry.”

You finally relented, your fate beginning to set in. “That’s it, then. When will I be expected to leave?”

There was a moment of silence, and an awkward shuffling of feet as the advisors stood. And then one of the men spoke, sending dread running through you like ice in your veins. 

“Your arrival is set for the end of the week. The King and Queen are expecting you.”

—

The journey passed far quicker than you had anticipated. A trip like that should have been grueling, yet each moment felt more fleeting than the last. By the time you arrived on Ravkan soil, you would practically be theirs. Upon your arrival, you were escorted to the Great Hall to meet the King and Queen. 

“Moi tsar,” you curtsied, keeping your eyes low. “Moi tsaritsa. It is an honor.”

The words tasted sour on your tongue, but you spoke them anyway. The King and Queen were not known to be the kindest of people, and you’d rather spend your time in a foreign country on the good side of the sovereign. 

“Princess,” the King greeted as he stood, his eyes racking your body. “You are as beautiful as they say. My son will be pleased. Unfortunately, your arrival has preceded his. He attended a meeting with our generals, and is set to arrive in a few days. The wedding will be in a fortnight. Until then, please enjoy our hospitality. I look forward to this new found alliance between our great countries.”

“As do I,” you said, forcing a smile. 

—

As the days passed, you grew more uneasy. The weight of your duties were beginning to drag you down, and you didn’t know if you could bear the burden any longer. 

Nikolai had yet to return to court, but with his inevitable arrival looming, it became harder to face each day. You were practically alone in the castle, having yet to make any friends. And you doubted the arrival of a Prince—the subject of scandalous rumors—would do anything to lessen the loneliness and fear you felt every night. 

One evening, the pressure became too great.

Despite your duties, and the anger you knew both countries would feel towards you, you fled. It was a rash decision, and a stupid one at that. But it was the only option that could give you your freedom, so you took it.

It led you all the way down to the harbor, which you briskly made your way to with little more than the clothes on your back.

Your window of opportunity was closing, and you took it. In mere hours, someone would notice you were missing from your room. Guards would be sent all throughout the palace, and they’d track you down if you weren’t quick enough. One way or another, you would marry the second Prince of Ravka. You’d be forced to. And although the thought of being alone in an open country you knew next to nothing about terrified you, it was less terrifying than the thought of being trapped in that castle forever. 

So you went. Fled, more accurately. All the way to the harbor, in nothing but a dress and cloak, with a bag of coins hidden in your skirts. 

As you approached the harbor, the shout of guards could be heard in the distance. “Spread out! She cannot have gone far.”

The Kingsguard.

You felt your chest tighten as you quickened your pace, pulling your hood over your head. You rushed as inconspicuously as you could, clambering to get as far from the palace as possible. Suddenly, you felt a hand on your wrist. 

“What’s the rush for, My Lady? You’re going to hurt yourself running in those shoes,” the woman said, her brows furrowing.

You stopped in your tracks to take her in, realizing she was standing next to a much larger man. She had axes sheathed at her waist, and a confused but intrigued grin. 

“Please, excuse me—” You stuttered out, trying to pull away.

“There’s no need to be afraid,” the man said, in a tone much gentler than his appearance. “We mean you no harm. What are you running from?”

“I need to get away from here, and fast,” you pleaded, deciding to trust these people who stopped you. 

“That wasn’t an answer to our question,” the woman said, easing her grip. 

You let out a frustrated sigh, turning to look over your shoulder before turning back. “Please, I’ll pay you whatever you want. Just let me go. I have to get out of here, and quickly.”

The woman shared a glance with the man, and for a minute, you were beginning to think you had been found out. They somehow recognized you, and would know that the castle guards were looking for you. If that was true, the pair didn’t show it, looking back at you. 

“We have a ship,” the man finally said, gesturing behind him. “And a captain. A name you’d perhaps recognize. Sturmhond.”

Sturmhond, you thought to yourself. The richest pirate on the True Sea? What was he doing in a port in Ravka? You shook your head, having no time for questions. 

“Would he grant me safe passage? I can pay, I have the means. Please, I need to know if this is my only option of getting out of here. I haven’t done anything illegal, I promise. I just need to go.”

The woman laughed, her relaxed disposition beginning to ease you. “Illegal would have been more fun. Don’t worry, Princess. We’ll take you to our captain. You’ll be safe with us.”

Your eyes widened, and you stepped back to retreat, when the man raised his hands in surrender. 

“We mean you no harm, Princess. Clearly, you’re in trouble, and we have the means to get you away from the palace.”

“Trust me,” the woman said, offering you her hand. “We have no wish to return to the palace.. I’m sure our captain isn’t too keen, either.”

You looked between the ship and back at the castle uneasily, when you heard another shout coming from the guards marching through the village. You turned towards the man and woman, who you just realized looked very similar. Siblings, perhaps, who had just gotten back from a journey at sea.

“Sturmhond is quite the character, but he’s a good man. You have my word,” the man said. 

“Alright,” you said, making your decision as you took the woman’s hand. “I’ll go. Thank you, uh…”

You trailed off, making the man smile. He led you towards a nearby ship, helping you climb your way onto it. 

“I’m Tolya, and that’s my sister Tamar. We’re part of Sturmhond’s crew. Come along, he’ll want to meet you.”

They quickly led you aboard a ship, ushering the crew to cast off. The crew looked around with confused faces, but listened anyway. As the ship slowly left the harbor, you were led downstairs to the cabins below. 

“Captain,” Tamar called, knocking on the first doorway below deck, before opening the door herself. 

“Do you want to tell me why my ship is moving away from the dock?” Sturmhond asked without turning around, shuffling through his cabin as he pulled on his coat. 

You cleared your throat. “That would be because of me, I think.”

Sturmhond turned around at the sound of your voice, his eyes widening as he took you in. “I don’t believe it. Good evening, Princess. I do hope you are well. Tamar and Tolya have treated you kindly, I expect?”

You shrunk under his gaze, letting out a nervous chuckle. “Is my title that easy to spot? You’re the second to figure it out, is it something I’m doing?”

“Tamar has a keen eye,” Sturmond shrugged, grinning. “But you’re also wearing an evening gown fit for court, and the jewels around your neck could buy a small country. Those things aren’t exactly subtle, darling. Even with that cloak.”

You nodded, still nervous but relaxing with his calm demeanor. “I was told you could grant me passage away from the palace? I can pay, I don’t expect you to do this out of the kindness of your heart. But seeing as we’ve already left the harbor, I don’t think you have any other option but to take me with you. Unless you intend on throwing me overboard into the bay, although I’ll thank you kindly not to do that.”

“In that dress? You’d sink to the bottom, darling. There’s no need to worry, Princess. You’ll stay dry on deck, that I can assure you,” he chuckled, motioning for you to sit. 

“We’ll inform the crew our trip has been extended,” Tamar announced, pulling Tolya behind her to leave the cabin. 

You sat in the chair on the other side of Sturmhond’s desk, and he sat across from you. He offered you a kind smile, one that surprised you. You had heard plenty about the infamous privateer. You hadn’t expected him to be this young and handsome. His reputation matched that of an old tycoon, not of what appeared to be an ex soldier. He looked at you with curiosity, motioning for you to speak. 

“So, would you like to explain to me why my ship is sailing back out to sea? Not that I’m upset or anything, I was dreading my return to Ravka myself. But as I understand it, you were asked to come to Ravka to strengthen a political alliance—”

“And how would you know about that?” You interrupted, raising a brow. 

He smiled, shrugging. “I have my ways. It pays to know lots of things about lots of things. Including which Princesses are being married off to far away royalty.”

“Do you know him?” You asked, your voice a little unstable. “The Prince, I mean. Nikolai. I could hardly find anyone who knew him, and any knowledge of him was limited. I went into this alliance blind, thanks to my parents and advisors.”

Sturmhond’s grin widened as he nodded. “I do know him, yes. We were briefly acquainted some time ago.”

“And?”

“He’s alright,” Sturmhond laughed, leaning back in his seat. “Dashingly handsome. A bit cocky for my taste, perhaps a little spoiled, but what royalty isn’t, right? No offense.”

You smiled, shaking your head. “None taken.”

“I suppose you’re lucky in that you’re set to marry him, and not the Crown Prince. Vasily is—how should I put this—well…”

“A bastard?” You finished, making Sturmhond chuckle, nodding. 

“He is, yes. Nikolai is, in another manner of speaking, the same as well. Is that why you’re running? You don’t want to risk your reputation on a second son who may not even be the second son?”

Sturmhond looked at you through curious eyes, although there was a little apprehension in them. A little vulnerability that you didn’t quite know what to make of. You shook your head, inadvertently easing his thoughts. 

“It’s just rumors, Sturmhond. Whether there is any truth to them, I don’t know, and I don’t care. History records names, not blood. A true Lantsov or not, it doesn’t matter to me. It’s not Nikolai’s fault who his true parents are, and he shouldn’t have to bear the consequences of their actions. All that matters to my parents is what he means for my country. His reputation doesn’t affect that.”

“And what matters to you?” Sturmhond asked, his eyes softening. “Your secrets are safe with me, and I promise to not throw you overboard for whatever your answers are. Why are you running, Princess?”

You sat in silence for a moment, letting out a heavy sigh. Sturmhond politely waisted for you to start, nodding encouragingly for you to speak. 

You fiddled with your hands in your lap nervously. “Nikolai’s blood doesn’t matter to me, truly. All that really matters is that he has a kind heart, and he makes living at Ravkan court for the rest of my life more bearable.” 

Sturmhond nodded as he listened intently. You continued.

“From what I hear, he’s a perfectly good man. Compared to my list of options, he was probably the best I could have hoped for.”

“Was? Or is? Do you intend on running forever? Seems like a waste of time in what is already a fleeting existence, Princess,” he said quietly. 

“I know,” you nodded, growing frustrated. “I don’t know why I did it. I just thought about being alone at court for the rest of my life, and even the promise of a semi decent Prince wasn’t enough to ease my fears. I just wanted control over my own life for once, you know? My own freedom. It was a rash decision, I admit. But it seems to be working well in my favor so far.”

Sturmhond nodded, standing up from his desk to pour two glasses of whiskey. You downed yours the second he placed it in front of you, deciding it was better to let the second one sit when he refilled your glass.

“And Nikolai? What are his thoughts on the matter?”

You shrugged, fiddling with the glass. “I don’t know. He hasn’t been at court since I arrived. I have yet to meet him. Although, once he hears of me running, I’m sure any first impressions he could have had of me are ruined.”

“I don’t know about that.”

You raised a brow, coaxing him to continue. “Really? Why is that?”

“From what I hear, Nikolai isn’t really one for court, either,” he started, shrugging. “He runs when he gets the chance, too. Why do you think he’s away from court so often?”

You pondered the thought for a minute. “I don’t know. I always assumed his duties took him elsewhere. He’s not the Crown Prince, so he doesn’t need to remain in the palace. He serves in the First Army, doesn’t he?”

Sturmhond nodded, grinning. “He does. Or, to put it more accurately, he did. I think he just loiters around neighboring countries until his Mother forces him to come home and make an appearance now.”

You chuckled, letting out a deep sigh. “Isn’t that a treat? Coming home for the first time in months, only to find out your bride to be has run away.”

“With a face like that, I doubt he’ll care much about anything once he sees you.” 

You felt the heat creep to your cheeks at his words, setting your eyes to your lap to avoid Sturmhond’s heavy gaze. You could practically hear the smirk in his voice as he breathed out a laugh. 

“Besides, I’m told the Prince isn’t expected back at court for a few more days. Plenty of time for you to decide whether or not you want me to turn this ship around. Who would I be to deny a Princess?”

You smiled, your voice soft. “And if I don’t want to turn around?”

“Well, you’re paying me. I don’t really care either way, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go,” he said, grinning as he topped your glass off. “But just between you and me, I’d do it for free. Anything for a pretty face like that. Just don’t go telling everyone I said that, I have a reputation to maintain.”

You laughed, nodding. “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

—

You spent the next few days on the ship, feeling more and more at ease the further you made it from Ravkan shores. 

At night, you longed for home. 

Not for you parents, or any of their advisors. But for your own bed—not on a constantly rocking ship—and the familiar trill of the birds outside your window on dewy mornings. For the library in the East Wing people seemed to forget was even there, and the soup the cooks would make when a chill was in the air. For the gardens midmorning where you could escape to when you wanted to avoid all the guards constantly watching you. 

Sturmhond did a good job at keeping you distracted from saddening thoughts, though. It was sweet of him, really. Making sure you had someone with you during the day, taking all his meals with you in the evening. 

Your time on the ship was the most relaxed you had been in a long time, actually, which you attributed to him. 

Sturmhond had quite the representation amongst high society—or any society, really—and he certainly met your expectations. He was charming, and attractive. Clever and ambitious, like everyone said he was. 

You hadn’t expected him to be as attentive as he is, however. He seemed to really enjoy a new guest on the ship, one that could keep up with his banter. He didn’t make you feel like a burden like your parents so often did, actually including you in his daily routine. 

Tolya and Tamar were great, too. Kind, and funny. Fiercely loyal and protective, both of their captain and of each other. They were the kind of friends you hoped to make during your time in Ravka. 

So far, it was off to a good start. 

As the days moved on, you found yourself growing closer to Sturmhond. You tried to stop yourself in the beginning. Despite not wanting it for yourself, you were engaged to Nikolai. Falling for another man wasn’t exactly a good thing for your future

But that damned smile.

His ridiculously attractive smile, and his stupid mop of hair that had only gotten longer from his time at sea. The infuriating way he’d look at you and make you want to shrink away from his gaze, but you could never bring yourself to look away. The obnoxious green emerald ring he wore that could probably buy a small village.

He had charmed you, despite your reservations, and you were practically head over heels. It scared the absolute shit out of you. 

Tamar had of course noticed already, confronting you about it one night after dinner. She joined you on deck, sitting next to you on a crate as you watched the stars twinkle in the sky. They were so visible out at sea, away from all the lights and clutter of the cities. 

“You’re not hiding anything from me, you know,” she smirked, sneaking your flask away to take a few sips from it. 

You feigned innocence, shaking your head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Tamar.”

“Come on, darling. Let’s skip the bluffing…you like him. It’s so obvious.”

“Saints, I hope not,” you groaned, scrunching your nose up at the thought of Sturmhond finding out. 

Tamar grinned at your embarrassment, chuckling. “Don’t worry. I may not swing that way, but I know the look when I see it. He’s all puppy dog eyes and desperate looks of longing when he sees you. It’s gross, really. I can actually hear his heart skip a beat when he sees you. He likes you, too. I’d stake money on it.”

You swallowed down your excitement, trying to think rationally. “Don’t even joke about that, it’s not funny.”

“I’m serious! You’re a catch, Princess. He may be my captain, but he’d be a fool not to want you.”

“That’s sweet of you to say, but we can stop there,” you nervously chuckled. “We don’t need this going to my head. I’ll do something stupid like staying on this boat forever.”

She grinned, nudging your shoulder with hers. “Would that be so bad?”

—

The next few days, you couldn’t get Tamar’s words out of your head. You went on with your routine with Sturmhond as usual, trying not to put much thought into it. 

Your feelings for him were true, that’s for sure. 

And when you’d catch him looking at you from across the deck, you’d swear by the look in his eye that he felt something for you, too. What it was, exactly, you didn’t know. 

But it was something. 

On your last evening before you had to make a decision about where you wanted to go, you skipped dinner. You couldn’t bring yourself to go along with your usual banter with Sturmhond, beginning to feel guilty about just how close and comfortable you’d gotten with him. 

You still had a duty to your country and your family, which meant at least a little to you. Plus, it wasn’t fair to make a promise to Prince Nikolai, only to leave him hanging when he returned to Ravka. 

You were leaning against the deck railing, watching the way the moonlight bounced over the still waters. So lost in thought, you almost didn’t register Sturmhond’s approaching footsteps. 

“A bit chilly for stargazing, isn’t it?” He asked, coming to stand next to you. 

You turned to see him, smiling when you noticed he was wearing his signature blue coat. You couldn’t remember a time since you met that he wasn’t dressed to the nines, no matter what time of day it was. 

“You know, for a pirate, you don’t really look like one.” 

He grinned, gently correcting you. “A privateer, darling, not a pirate. There’s a difference, I assure you.”

“Ah, a privateer. How could I have forgotten?” You chuckled, hugging yourself in an effort to shield your arms from the biting cold. “But seriously. The emerald on your finger is the size of a walnut, and that coat is fit for royalty. I find it hard to believe a privateer does well enough to afford things as nice as those.”

“Maybe I’m just good at my job,” he retorted, that signature smirk on his face.

It was enough to stir butterflies in your stomach, making you turn to look back out at the water. His gaze lingered on you a moment, and you could feel the heat creeping up to your cheeks under the weight of his stare. 

“You’re cold,” he observed, breaking the silence.

“I’m fine,” you tried to say, but Sturmhond interrupted you.

“I can practically hear your teeth chattering,” he laughed, shrugging his coat from his shoulders. “Here. Seeing as my coat is fit for royalty, as you say, I think it’ll suit you better.”

“Sturmhond—”

“Princess,” he mirrored, smirking when you relented, letting him place it around your shoulders. 

“Thank you,” you said softly.

You turned away from the water to face him, leaning back against the bannister. His eyes flitted up and down your form at his coat wrapped around shoulders, before his eyes met yours. He took a seat on the crate behind him, leaning back and settling into the post next to him. It was quiet a moment before he finally spoke.

“You weren’t in your cabin at dinner. Where have you been?”

You sighed, fiddling with the sleeve of his coat. “Thinking.”

“Thinking? About what?”

“About my future,” you said shakily, shoulders slumping. “Both the imminent one, and the one to follow based on what I decide tonight.”

Sturmhond nodded, seemingly lost in thought. “I’ve been thinking about that, too, if I’m being honest.”

You raised a brow at his words. He’d been thinking about your future? He’d been thinking about you? The thought was both intriguing and terrifying, and you hoped the confusion on your face wasn’t too apparent.

“Well, I…I’m sorry, what?”

“Your future directly impacts me,” he quickly corrected, suddenly steeling his face and meeting your confusion with his usual grin. “Where you go I go, remember? You are paying me, after all.”

You tried to hide your disappointment, forcing a smile. It was a foolish hope to have, that he’d think something more of you. But it wasn’t a hope you were ready to give up. 

Not just yet, at least. 

He seemed to notice your disappointment, brows furrowing. “Have I upset you?”

“No,” you quickly replied, trying to brush it off with a laugh. “No, it’s not you. I’m just not quite sure what I should do. I know you need an answer, and Ravka needs an answer, but…I don’t have one yet.”

“Why?” 

You shook your head, sighing in frustration. “Earlier, I had more than halfway made up my mind. I value my freedom, but I think I value my dignity more. I don’t think I could go anywhere and face anyone, knowing I’ve turned my back on my duties. It may have not been a promise I made for myself personally, but it is a promise I had every intention of keeping.”

“Then what’s stopping you?” He asked, a genuine look of concern on his face.

His eyes softened on you as your face fell, and you turned away from him as you felt heat creep up to your cheeks. You could hear him stand and approach you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. 

“Princess?” He asked, only worsening your embarrassment. 

He spoke again, finally getting you to acknowledge him. “You’re worrying me, darling. Surely it cannot be that bad.”

“But it is,” you groaned, pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes to stave off the tears you could feel brewing. 

“Try me,” he said gently, carefully placing a hand on your arm. “You can tell me the truth. What’s stopping you from returning to Ravka?”

You could feel his touch even through the coat, which struck you like a punch to the gut when you remembered it was, in fact, his coat you were wearing. And to make it worse, that damned grin was on his face as he spoke with such a genuine kindness in his voice that it made you want to cry. 

You finally met his eyes, taking a sharp breath. Shit, you thought to yourself. You were really going to admit it. He eagerly awaited your response, which you finally managed to utter. 

“You.”

He sucked in a breath, withdrawing his hand. He looked up at the sky for a moment, before taking another breath and turning back to you. 

“Me?” He asked. 

“You,” you said again, exasperatedly laughing. “You, and your ridiculous clothes, and your infuriating charm, and your kindness and ambition…that damned smile.” 

Sturmhond’s cheeks flushed, and he took a step back, although he was grinning like a fool. He couldn’t stop himself if he tried. You didn’t dare speak, waiting for him to say something. After an agonizing moment of silence, he leaned against the bannister, letting out a chuckle.

“What?” You forced yourself to ask, preparing yourself for his answer. 

“Saints, Princess…you’ve gone and done it now.”

You shook your head, your heart dropping to the pit of your stomach. “What?”

“You’ve managed to outdo me. On my own ship. Quite the feat, I’ll give you that,” he laughed, still grinning. 

You narrowed your eyes, still shaking your head. “Sturmhond, I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re saying to me right now. Will you do the honor of enlightening me, or are you going to stand there grinning at me all night?”

“You like my grin,” he mused, making you flush.

He spoke again, saving you from your embarrassment. “And it just so happens that I like yours, too. I like all of you. Very much so indeed, Princess.”

Your heart lurched into your throat at his words, and you had to grab ahold of the bannister behind you to keep yourself steady. He placed his hand over top of yours, his palm warming yours. 

“I cannot believe you beat me to the punch. It’s rude to upstage a captain on his own ship. You’re lucky you’re royalty. I’ll allow it just this once.”

You had just now calmed your breathing, beginning to take in the weight of his words, and what it meant for you both. “Sturmhond, I—”

“I have a confession to make,” he suddenly said in a very serious tone, startling you. “I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I must tell you something before either of us share something we can’t take back.”

“Alright…” You said uneasily. 

Carefully, he took your hand in his, giving it a squeeze. You let him hold it, waiting for him to speak. Absentmindedly, you comfortingly ran your thumb along the back of his hand, silently reassuring him. 

“My name isn’t Sturmhond,” he finally said, the nerves in his voice the worst you had ever heard them. 

Trying not to jump to any hasty conclusions, you nodded, squeezing his hand once more. “Alright…if it isn’t Sturmhond, then what is it?”

“Well, technically it is, but it also isn’t. It’s just a nickname—” He rambled, and you placed your other hand on top of his to stop him. 

“I gathered that much. What else are you trying to tell me? Go on, you can say it.”

He took a deep breath, his voice soft. “It’s true that people call me Sturmhond, but I’m much better known for my birth name…Nikolai. Nikolai Lantsov.”

The realization struck you like a bolt of lightning. You tried not to flinch in his grasp, but you knew he could feel you stiffen. You cleared your throat, feeling your voice begin to grow hoarse

“Nikolai Lantsov…as in Prince Nikolai Lantsov, second son of the Ravkan throne? Moi tsarevich,” you croaked out, attempting to curtsy. 

“Please,” Nikolai said, holding both your hands in his to keep you from bowing. “There is no need for such formalities, darling. If anything, I should be the one bowing to you.”

You stood up straight, shaking your head. “We’re long past that, don’t you think?” 

He chuckled, nodding. “I suppose so.”

The reality of your situation began to set in, and you couldn’t stop yourself from chuckling along with him. He smiled at the sound, raising a brow. 

“What is it?”

“I suppose my little dilemma is solved then,” you said, shrugging. “I was beginning to spiral, thinking my annoying habit of not being able to contain my feelings had ruined any decision I could have made. But of course—in your usual fashion—you’ve managed to upstage me. As is your right, it is your ship, after all. Well, I suppose there’s no decision to make now. At least, I think there isn’t…right?”

Any nerves you had mustered up were immediately squashed when Nikolai brought his hands up to cup your face, running his thumbs across the tops of your cheeks.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I’d take you wherever you wanted to go. All I can hope now is that you’ll allow me to join you…wherever that is.”

You brought a hand up to rest against his wrist. “Don’t you want to go home? You’re expected back in Ravka any day now.”

“I love my country, but I’m in no hurry to return. You’ve told me multiple times how dreadful court was for you—”

“That doesn’t matter,” you quickly said, squeezing his wrist. 

“Of course it does! I cannot ask you to return to a country you’ll be miserable in for the rest of your days for a man you barely know.”

“It’s a good thing you aren’t asking, then,” you reaffirmed, giving him a smile. “I told you. I made a promise, and I intend to keep it. I said that I was afraid I would be all alone at court, and that I was afraid the man I am promised to wouldn’t want a life with me.” 

“What a fool he’d have to be to not want that,” Nikolai joked, making your grin widen.

You continued to reassure him, not convinced that he was believing your words. 

“You say that you’ll follow me wherever I go. Well, I want to go with you. Wherever that is. And I want you to go home. I may have not known you for long, but I’ve been around you long enough to know that you won’t truly be content if you’re tied to my wishes. And I know you’re too stubborn to admit that, so I’ll tell you my wishes, and I need you to believe me. I wish to be with you. I wish for you to return to wherever feels like home, and I wish for you to take me with you. If that’s Ravka, then Ravka will be home. Court will become much more bearable with you there. And if it begins to become too much, I know a certain privateer that can whisk us away for a few days.”

He was doing it again. Smiling like an idiot. He seemed to be in disbelief at your words, this being one of the very few times in his life that he couldn’t find the right words to say. 

“I didn’t mean to trick you, Princess. I should have told you who I was from the beginning.”

You shook your head. “I don’t blame you, Nikolai. If I was given the chance, I wouldn’t have told you who I really was, either. At least, not until I knew I could trust you. I would have done the same as you did. It’s alright.”

“I can’t believe my luck,” he grinned, taking your hand. “How is it that my betrothed managed to stumble upon my ship the very hour I returned to Ravka?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not one to believe in fate, and it sounds impossible.”

“Not impossible…improbable,” he corrected, smirking when you playfully narrowed your eyes up at him. 

You rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t help but smile at your turn of luck. “Are we doing this? Are you going home to Ravka?”

“Are we going home, you mean? I can’t be expected to abandon my betrothed when she turns out to be the single most invigorating person I’ve ever met, now can I?”

“You cannot,” you agreed.

A comfortable moment of silence passed between you both, and you looked down at his hands as you held them in yours. The familiar glint of green on his finger made you chuckle. 

“I knew it, by the way,” you added, grinning. “This coat and that ring are far too ridiculous for a privateer. They’re fit for royalty. Fit for a Lantsov.”

“Am I to understand that you’re not interested in a Lantsov emerald for your engagement ring?” He asked, smirking when you quickly shook your head.

You laughed, pulling his hand closer to inspect his ring. “I said nothing of the sort. I was merely observing how ridiculous it is, as well as this coat. But I’m still wearing it, aren’t I? If I’m going to be married to a ridiculous man, I should begin preparing now, shouldn’t I?”

He narrowed his eyes, playfully jutting his chin up at you. “You just like the coat and want to keep it. It’s alright, darling, you can admit it. We can have your own fitted for you, all you have to do is ask.”

Nikolai gripped the hem of your sleeve, tugging you closer by the arm of his coat. You let him pull you, chuckling nervously when he drew you nearer. 

“I admit nothing, only that my future husband has a taste I will have to acquire. But I’m sure I’m up for the task. We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

“We do,” he smiled, settling his hands around your waist. “Although I’ll have to admit, I don’t think we know each other well enough to become husband and wife.”

You tensed under his hold, and he quickly retracted his statement, shaking his head. He didn’t give you enough time to truly panic, interrupting your train of thought. 

“And that’s perfectly fine, darling. Like you said, we have all the time in the world to get to know each other. I think I’d like to take advantage of that starting now. After all, it is our last night on the ship, isn’t it? At least, I assume it is. I expect you’ll want to set a course for Ravka now. Unless you’d rather I get down on one knee, and make a big show of it first. I can do that, if you wish.”

“I certainly wouldn’t stop you,” you chuckled, letting your hands rest on top of his as your tone shifted to a more serious note. “Are we really doing this, Nikolai? Returning to Ravka? Getting married?”

He smiled wider, a twinkle in his eye as he looked down at you. “I’ve wanted you since the moment you stepped foot on my ship, the second I laid eyes on you. And I’ve wanted you more every day since. I’m not one to believe in fate either, but I do think the Saints may have gifted you to me. Who knows what I did to deserve it, but you most definitely won’t find me questioning their will if you’re the result.”

You felt your heart swell at his words. He was right. Of all the ships in the harbor, his was the one you found yourself on. Of all the captains in Ravka, he was the one who took you in. The man you were supposed to marry, and you found yourself falling for him long before you even knew who he truly was. If that isn’t fate, then what is?

“I’ll take all the influence from the Saints I can get when it comes to explaining to your parents why I’ve disappeared right out from under them,” you said with a groan, leaning into him. 

Nikolai chuckled, holding you close. “My Mother will forget all about it when she sees my future safely secured with marriage. There is no need to worry, trust me.”

“I may not have to worry about her, but I do need to worry about Tamar,” you said, letting out a pained chuckle. “I think she staked money on our little situation.”

“She most definitely did. I expect Tolya will be paying up when they hear the news. Who should break it to him?”

You grinned, shaking your head. “I think that duty lies with you, as my future husband. If I’m going to have to listen to Tamar’s endless bragging about being right, then you should have to take half the burden in the form of telling Tolya. That’s how marriage works, isn’t it? Half and half. It’s only fair.”

It was his turn to groan now as he pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand, taking yours in the other. 

“Alright, I’ll do it, but you have to accompany me. I think your presence will help soften the blow. What do you say, darling? After all…it’s only fair.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, squeezing his hand. “If I must. You’re lucky you’re pretty, Lantsov.”

“Darling, I’m lucky for a lot more than that,” he smiled endearingly, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

— A/N - Hi! This is SO long, I’m so sorry. And I’m so sorry for taking so long to get this out, I’ve been busy and had no time to write. But I finally forced myself to get this done, and now I have more time to write! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, let me know what you think! Thank you again for the requests :)

[minustwofingers]

exoplanet post-finale discussion

this is a post that goes over some things that i briefly touched on in the tags/mentions some plot points i wasn't able to expand upon! SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS after the cut. so dont look unless u want it to be spoiled

ok so! i want to first of all start out by thanking everyone reading/the ellie community this for being so patient and wonderful and just lovely in general! writing long fics can be so draining for me, especially when i start making poor plot choices and start writing parts that are over 10k words (i at least have the decency to be ashamed of it). i hope that you all have enjoyed reading p7/the rest of the series. i did want to offer a little more elaboration on some points/why i made some of the plot choices that i did. so spoilers under the cut!

petra

petra's character might seem super random, and it's because she actually used to play a much bigger role in this story. my original outline included petra actually coming back to jackson as well as a few cutscenes away to her time working at a bourbon plant in kentucky, detailing exactly how the goods were contaminated/how they actually got past quality control. i cut these scenes bc i was like literally no one came to read about this random oc.

how did terranova get infected (in other words: what petra's story would've told)

she used to have a monologue talking about how everyone in the plants—even the commanding officers—were frustrated with the poor conditions and managed to infect weaker members, tie them up, and drop their saliva into the vats of aging bourbon. this slipped past quality control because you'll recall that 1) the prices were skyrocketing in terranova and 2) there was a festival that involved hella drinking. petra was supposed to explain that since the prices of liquor were so high and quality control could be overly cautious, flagged bottles were smuggled off by guards and sold in a black market. so that's why it was so fast/why it got through the borders!

why didnt u write a smut scene between ellie and y/n smh

i honestly planned to—i had a whole scene where y/n has her little top moment, but i just couldnt integrate it into the last final scenes. to me it just felt too much for ellie to be like yes im opening up 2 u emotionally....now lets fuck in the span of like 20 mins when they hadn't been speaking beforehand. and also i think it speaks to how ellie kind of used sex to put distance between them in the first few parts and tried to avoid any sort of emotional intimacy, so this was a big step for her. also if i were y/n id be sleepy as hellllll at that point and would not have the wrist stamina for any sort of activities that didn't involve tucking into bed after the day she's had!

what next?

so of course there's the epilogue, but that doesn't have to be all. i was thinking of writing an alternate ending that adheres more firmly to tlou 2 canon and involves joel's death + ellie's spiral, where y/n actually chooses to leave terranova with dina to try to find her once she hears from her father about a girl with a fern tattoo that's causing a disturbance just a bit south of terranova. i didn't want that to be the actually legit ending, because i do think it's important for ellie's conscience to know that she's not keeping y/n from somewhere safer.

so in conc: epilogue for sure, maybe an alternate ending, and potentially a few "deleted scenes" (including the smut scene i cut)

why did you choose to do that to terranova instead of having ellie find her or y/n leave?

ellie was never going to terranova to get y/n because she'd never try to take her from there unless she had a genuine belief that she'd be better off outside. so i suppose that there could've been a storyline about ellie finding out about terranova possibly getting infected, but idk how she would know that when communication is so private and tommy wasn't even able to get in contact with any terranovan authorities with his connections.

i didn't go with my alternate ending idea where y/n actually chooses to leave, partly because of ellie and mostly because i felt like terranova needed to get blown up anyway. i was hoping that part of the message i sent with this was that overconsumption is never sustainable and that it will always have consequences, and terranova falling apart because of and not in spite of its resources and suppliers seemed like a good way to get the job done!

this may not be something anyone is particularly interested in but if you have any questions about any things i didn't cover in the finale, feel free to ask ! now that the actual plot is mostly complete and i can't really spoil anything, i have a lot more flexibility with answering things!

[smiggles]

This is gonna be abit of a mouthful, but I need to get it off my chest now that years have passed and we've (hopefully you have too) matured by now.

I once looked up to you, but that was a very long time ago. The trauma you caused me is irreversible. tbf I used to be a brat and if I could go back in time to backhand my younger self I would, I own up to that. But I was only a teenager, still growing and learning about myself and how to talk to others properly. Turns out I was pretty much autistic, so communication wasn't my strong point at all back then.

But even then, your two-faced behavior of proudly shitting on and bragging about how much money you were ripping off the furry community, the people who actively supported you, loved your work and paid your bills, was appalling. I had every right to call you out on it. Instead of accepting it was wrong, you sent your roommates out like attack dogs to fight your battles, defend your toxic behavior and harass me. Every time I blocked them they would find a different site to attack me on. I struggled to make friends for years after that incident, I felt I couldn't trust anyone because of what you guys did.

Years passed, and I genuinely hoped you had changed for the better, only to see a callout post during pride of all times, about your grossly acephobic attitude. I had friends who were blocked by you and didn't understand why. You need to understand your damaging actions have severe affects on real people, and when you make public apologies, the people who comment saying they forgive you don't count if they weren't the ones hurt by you. They don't speak for those affected.

I'm not looking for an apology, even if given one I probably wouldn't accept it after all the damage you've done to me. I have zero interest in you being in my life again. I just wanted to give you this perspective to get it off my chest and for you to mull on, I want you to use it to improve yourself as a person moving forward. See the wrong in your actions, how badly it affects others, and make the choice to make things right.

But that's up to you now.

Hey, I know who this is an I want you to know that I think about you often.

Read more below

Sometimes your stuff shows up on my feed or someone shares something with me that youve made because we have common interests and I think to myself Im glad theyre doing well and I hope youre surrounded by people who support you. I dont say this as a way to like Save face because this is a public anon. I would say this to you in private if I could. I was a very nasty person years and years ago and no apology will take back the pain Ive caused others from that. Especially not you. But I am sorry. I wish things could have been different. I do. For the acephobia. Yes. I was acephobic and horrible about it. I hurt a lot of people from that and cant ever take that back but know that Ive learned a lot about how to treat others and unpack the internalized hatred towards my own ace'ness and how others present themselves. I also want to say I never sent my roommates on you. That was a choice they did on their own without my knowledge. I never ever want someone to go after anyone on my behalf and while it is likely hard to believe that those who have known me these past 5-6 years can vouch that as true. I have on multiple occasions asked my friends to leave people alone I end up disagreeing with. I never name drop people I dont get along with. I dont even tell people besides my very very private close friends about what happened between me and you and that might be about 3 or 4 people at most. As for blocking? I block very liberally LOL and its almost never personal. I block people for the smallest things just to curate my social media experience. If you ever wanted to reconnect and try again Im here. And I have no hatred in my heart. I have held myself accountable all these years for things I should have done better. Handled softer. In the end Truly. Im glad youve made a beautiful career out of something you love and no matter what happens between us I hope you continue to thrive. With all my heart.

[dextixer]

@Unfiltered-X

Pal, i do not care about your or anti-rwde obsession with RWDE. Half of you people constantly make posts like "Hah, RWDE sucks" while having us under a block. Its pathetic. Genuinely, you can all avoid the RWDE tag, instead you block people in that tag, and then reblog their stuff, to what, shittalk that stuff? You have nothing better to do?

Its all projection. And its sad. Genuinely, maybe you are not obsessed with RWBY, but a lot of your anti-RWDE friends are, to the extent that they will, once again, go to RWDE blogs, take stuff from them, and then privately reblog them to gloat or something.

Yet we in the RWDE are always accused of complete and utter nonsense, just because at the end of the day, you dont care about what we actually think or do. All you want is to project your own insecurities and obsessions upon us.

I made a single blogpost comparing LGBT+ representation in a single game, Hades to RWBY. What, is that a problem? Does that make me obsessed? A single post saying that a games narrative did something better?

I have played a lot more games, read a lot more books and done a lot more things than that, and never associated them with RWBY.

Because at the end of the day, all of this, is a hobby.

Something you people should really learn, because half of your anti-rwde buddies cant discern reality from fiction half of the time.

Oh, and can you also tell them that Tumblr is not the only social media website in existance? I use my Tumblr mostly for RWBY. For everything else i have multitudes of discord servers, because, if i may be so crass.

Nobody gives a shit about Tumblr, it sucks for fandom interaction. Reddit and Discord are better, genuinely.

Can i be frank with you? Do you ever tire of doing this? I have not interacted with any of you anti-RWDE people in ages now, besides that troll whos now posting "Oh, im sad for RWDE" blogposts daily as bait.

Genuinely, the RWDE side is mostly happy to leave you alone, we dont really want to care about you. Yet you seem to constantly barge in RWDE spaces, for what? Just to have a fight? Prove you are somehow superior?

Like, genuinely, half of the reason i have not done much on my tumblr these pasts months is because i am genuinely tired of you people. Hell, the only reason i am on this site is because your side, anti-rwde constantly posted my reddit posts here and then sent people after me on Reddit. Just because i dared to have an opinion.

Genuinely, and this comes from the heart. Grow up, because at this point, i have little need or want to interact with you people, you are just tiring.

We dont want to interact with you. You clearly dont want to interact with us. So, why are you constantly coming after us? You can mute the tag, instead you created an anti tag. Why?

Sigh....

Im writing this knowing that you wont give a fuck about any of this, and you will just use this as another "Bash on RWDE" session or some shit. But genuinely, grow up, and go do something else.

[qlventingspace]

Rando anon, sorry, but I just got back into BL fandom. I heard about the poi incident that happened in april I think, and I thought things were okay since Build had a concert recently. If you dont mind, could you tell me what exactly is going on? Unless you were just venting about the past... thanks in advance!

hi human, if you don't mind I'm gonna turn this post into some of a rant, because I'm about to implode. Sorry, it's not because of you, but because I've had enough of people treating other people as some saint idols just because they're actors instead of treating them as FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS. And disclaimer, I am mentally tired. So tired.

(I'm gonna do bit of summary of everything, so if you don't have time skip to next brackets for what's happening now)

To all hell bent on laughing at us and 'proving us wrong': You think some pretty face is gonna make me forget my morals? We've been there, 7 months of hell, every minute of it. Cause when you love someone you WILL make sure you make a very informed decision if you'll continue or not and you WILL sacrifice the time to do it properly.

We turned every information upside down to analyse it properly and find what is the truth and what is fabrication, so my stance is very solid. I'm making an informed decision (unlike all the people that only come to me saying he's in wrong without any proofs, only shouting).

What you could've missed?

Perhaps you missed that it was Build who made himself scarce to the point his family didn't want to leave him alone for a minute in fear of what he might do to himself while Poi was trying to obsessively reach him, provoking him to speak to her, changing her narrative every 5 seconds, happily insulting people around, left and right, including Builds sister for being some lowly single mother because her husband passed away, INCLUDING religion (islam specifically) and sending death threads to fans. Which of their actions screams A Victim and which Abuser? I beg you use your brain for a bit.

Build is the one who waited for subpoena, since Poi was shouting she was at court (she wasn't). Build is the one who went to court with a folder thick with concrete and empirical evidence. BUILD is the one PROVEN INNOCENT BY A COURT.

And POI is the one who ADMITTED TO MAKING THINGS UP.

(now what's happening currently)

Every time Build tries to move on with his life, some low life (you can guess twice who) brings up unverified 'accusations' against him.

He said it himself, if you don't like him, just don't stay in a fandom. Just don't go around spreading more hate and misinformation about him.

He.just.wants.to.live.in.peace.

As I said in my convo with a hater under my latest post: Is leaking private photos okay when it's half naked man? Is leaking private chats okay if it's a man? There's several 'new' accounts spreading his private half naked photos that were taken without his consent or knowledge he's being photographed (taken by Poi). And now the account is spreading chats (not verified) where he badmouths his colleagues and company.

First of all, there is a fake translation of those chats, that is done by (wonder wonder) a completely new burner account (joined to twt this month I think). Secondly, Build only apologized for the chats leaked yesterday (was it noon?) in those he is complaining about unfair treatment he got from his former company (BOC).

Build never left anything for which he was truthfully responsible for go without an apology.

Why is he required to constantly apologize for the fact that HE COMPLAINED TO HIS FRIEND IN HIS PRIVATE CHAT ABOUT UNFAIR TREATMENT AT THE WORKPLACE?

I'm absolutely sure (sarcasm) that if all of your private chats got leaked now you would come out of it as absolute saints.

And then the account continued to publish thai chats with misleading captions, and fake translations, while the actual translations of those chats weren't that bad as the caption wants you to believe.

All in all it's just a normal person venting to his friends about his life and private matters.

Oh and did I tell you about that account threatening Build to leave the entertainment industry or they never stop?

As of today, guess who's again going to court because he's getting continuous harrassment? Build.

Because he's a victim, whose abuser is constantly attacking him and he has no other means to defend himself but the official jurisdiction.

And think what you want, but the lack of action from the company's side while he was under their care, unfair treatment, complicity in assuring he's gonna stay with Poi when he tried to seek a way out, throwing him under bus while he was under their management and also after, playing on both sides.....

I'll let you make up your mind. But there is too many things that just click together and for me: BOC as a company is complicit. In harrassment, in abuse. They are still working with and following Poi.

If you don't wanna see Build as victim, what about Barcode then? She harrassed him. What about Mile and Apo then? SHE HARRASSED THEM.

Yet the company is still working with her, because she has money and power and they have a sinking boat and planned projects.

I said what I said.

That cursed company will never see a damn penny from me ever again.

And someone on twitter said enlightening thing.

Why is it only now, only THIS company that has a problem with Build? While people from all his previous projects (actors, directors) are hyping him up and supporting him?

Build just wants to live his life. He is just a human being, as we all are. We sometimes do weird shit and bad shit and vent to our friends. But because he's public person he needs to be humiliated and treated like shit publicly while if it was you or me we'd just disapear for a week in our room and no repercussions would await us after?

Build is not an abuser. He is proven innocent BY COURT.

All he ever did was that he trusted the wrong people.

[harringtonisms]

it always leads to you

pairing: teacher!steve harrington / rockstar!eddie munson summary: Eddie is a rockstar who left the town that has hated him for a music career. Steve is a teacher who couldn't bare to leave the only home he knows. Eddie's in Hawkins for a few days and he thinks about the road not taken. warnings: it's kinda angsty, at least that's what im going for word count: 1,081 taglist: @shesapeachsconebob a/n: surprise!! did this instead of my study guide for geography <3 i also dont have a proper taglist, shine is the only person on it so far 😭 i didn't wanna tag all the people on the plu taglist because it's for those specifics fics but 🧍🏽‍♀️ if you want to be added to my general taglist just send an ask or a dm :) fic based on this post!

Read it on AO3

Eddie hated coming back to Hawkins, but he loved waking up next to Steve. He loved the way Steve felt against him, pressed up against Eddie’s side like their bodies were specifically designed to fit together. He loved his parted lips and soft snores. He loved his fluffy hair and the way it tickled his chin. Eddie was sure he could waste hours staring at Steve, mentally mapping every freckle, every hair, and every curve of his face into his memory.

And then Steve would wake up, and Eddie would get to look into his favorite pair of eyes and catalog their specific shade of brown in his mind as his favorite color. He’d kiss him, morning breath and all, and Steve would smile at him. A shy, private smile only he was allowed to see. It’s in those quiet moments in the morning, when the rest of the world doesn’t exist and it’s just them and the sheets they’re tangled in, that Eddie thinks he could stay in Hawkins forever.

Who cares what everyone else in this shitty town thinks when Steve Harrington looks at him like that?

It’s when they get up and move to the bathroom and run through their morning routines, integrating the other seamlessly. Passing the toothpaste and pointing to where “You missed a spot” like it was commonplace. Minty kisses against fogged mirrors and soft I love you’s whispered into his shoulder blades. It’s then that Eddie wonders why he continues to wake up alone in New York when he could have endless mornings like this in Hawkins.

It’s the warm coffee being placed in his hands the second he makes it into the kitchen. The Lord of the Rings books taking up space on the bookshelf and the vinyls of metal music Eddie knows Steve only plays when he’s here. It’s the way Steve knows him. His mind, his body, his greatest dreams and deepest fears. The way Steve knows what to say when Eddie gets in his own head and how to bring him back from the edge. How to take him right to the edge and make him beg for release. There’s no one in this world who could know Eddie like Steve does. A connection that strong can only be built when you went through what they went through. When you go to hell and back, and go through hell and back. Steve found the limit of how much Eddie could care for someone, and challenged it, opening his heart to love someone with an intensity that was only rivaled by how much Steve loved Eddie. His heart lived in Hawkins, but his mind kept him in New York.

Leaving Steve was never easy. Each time he walks away from Steve’s cozy house on the corner and into his penthouse on the top floor, he questions if it’s even worth it. What if he never left back then? Ideally, the whispers and the stares would’ve died down eventually. He’d take over the auto repair shop once it was time and Steve could still be a teacher. They’d get to wake up to each other and fall asleep next to each other. The mail would have his name on it and maybe he’d even be friends with the neighbors. The kids would visit them in their house, and maybe they’d adopt one or two of their own if they ever could. They wouldn’t just get Thanksgivings and Christmases, and random weeks throughout the year. They’d get date nights on Fridays, and grocery shopping on Mondays, and fights on Wednesdays.

He wanted all that with Steve. He wanted to stay so badly. After what they’d been through when they were teenagers, he thinks he deserves a life of domesticity and bliss with the absolute, and incomparable love of his life. Within Steve’s four walls, he’s convinced he belongs back in Hawkins.

Then he leaves Steve’s house and is thrown death glares and insults from people who weren’t even alive in 1986. He has to repeat the year to himself to remain grounded. Reciting that Vecna is dead and the upside down is forever sealed when he walks downtown, still terrified the town will split into four again. Seeing cheerleaders leave school and being forced to confront the fact that he couldn’t save Chrissy, even if there was nothing he could’ve done. Passing the trailer park he almost died in and feeling the bites of the demobats again. He loves Steve and he loves Wayne, but he couldn’t stay. Steve knows that. He knows what being in Hawkins does to Eddie, so he never asks him to.

Eddie can’t stay, and Steve won’t leave. Robin is here and he’s seen her almost everyday since they met. He wouldn’t trade being able to see Robin whenever for scheduled visits three times a year. He nearly died with her. Living near her and living life with her was essential. Will, Mike, and Lucas may have left but they still come home, and Dustin, Max, and El are still here. Sure, they are fully grown adults who don’t need Steve to take care of them, but he’ll never stop worrying about them. He has his student’s at the school he used to attend and the various shops he worked at with his best friend. The pool Barb died in and the basketball court where he first realized he was bisexual. There’s the forest where Dustin became like a little brother to him and there's the boathouse where he met Eddie. This town made Steve who he is, all the good, the bad, and the ugly. He couldn’t leave and Eddie knows that. So Eddie never asks him to.

They sit across from each other and play house. Pretending Eddie won’t be boarding a flight in a few days. Like Steve isn’t fighting every urge to tell Eddie that he’ll give up everything in Hawkins for a life in New York. Like Eddie can watch another tear fall from Steve’s eyes without apologizing for trying to leave him again and promising he’ll stay. They pretend this is their actual life. Coffee stained kisses and promising Steve he’ll still be here when he gets home from work. Eddie wonders, If he could go back and do it all again, would he have still boarded that train and left all those years ago? Or would he have chosen the path that led him back here, to his hometown? To Steve.

[the-unicorn-system]

Alright, this will be the last message from me before I most likely delete this account after I hear any sort of reply. If at all, you dont have to respond to this if you would not like. You can block me too if you wish but, again. I promise not to bother you after this one, and hopefully leave everything behind with time. I would just like to clear up a few thoughts before I go, and keep it as civil as I can.

This is mostly just a response to you and leo-kinnie (thank you for keeping your vague post properly vague, leo-kinnie, it is seriously much appreciated) And is also so I can clear my head. This is also going to completely ignore the whole pro/anti war since its not like one message can ever change anything about that. We already have our sides I suppose.

Putting this in bullets to make it easier for me. Though I did not read all the arguments previously very thoroughly so I may have missed something..

No one sent us after you, this was on our own terms. Ell did not know about the comments or arguments until they after they had happened. (they were at work) Then after I saw them I jumped in for defense, apologies on my end.

Ell did not know you had a "neutrals dni" rule until they told you, and then heard your response. They did not "knowingly break your boundaries" you were just not clear enough with expressing them to begin with. "But It said so in my DNI" I am going to be honest, when a DNI is that long most people myself and Ell included are not going to read them. And as far as we are aware, "neutrals DNI" was not added onto it until after this whole situation.

There are plenty of other "neutral" artists you could have "called out" on this site but no, it was Ell specifically. And as far as I am aware you have not done this for anyone else. To us your post does not come off as a "call out" but a petty vent about how much you do not like them, and how much of a pedestal you put them on. You dont have a "callout" for any of Ells friends, no callout for other people with no DNI, and no callouts for the people who actually create the "problematic" content you are trying to avoid. It just comes off as petty. High School gossip levels of petty. And of course, the person who the gossip is on, is going to be upset about all the things people are spreading, true or not. You could have just kept the name on your DNI list on your pinned post with everyone else and it would have been fine, its your blog, but nope. All of China had to hear about this incident specifically.

Getting Ell kicked out of the OC comp discord server, and possibly more. Do we go around seeing what servers you are in and try to get you kicked out? No. Would you like it if we went around trying to get you kicked from communities? No you would not, thats an asshole move. Are their other neutrals in the OC comp server specifically too that you could have kicked instead? Yes, yes there are many. Why was it Ell specifically..? Again, like #3, this just comes off as petty.

Related to #4, but there has been an anon going around to other blogs asking why they are friends with Ell. We dont know if its you, its on anon, but we dont know who else it could possibly be. Along with this there was another anon who tried to get Ell kicked from the AU comp. Also unsure if this was you, or the same anon, but like I said we dont have any other leads. And I dont think it would be a stretch considering the #4 situation. If this was you, please stop. We dont go around asking strangers about their relationship to you and ask them to block you. Thats a dick move. At least we keep these sorts of conversations in private group chats. If it was not you, then do ignore this point.

This is in defense of more people you have hurt than just Ell at this point. This is in defense for Gem. And this is in defense for Star. Another reason to believe you were the anon in #5 is because of the incident with Star. Gosh. Do NOT go into anyones messages asking them their opinions and stance on another person. Seriously. Do we go around asking people what they think of you and that they should block you? No. And it horrifies me to think about how many other people you could have messaged about this. If the post you made on the rise and AU tags was not harassment, then the combo of this + #4 and possibly #5 definitely is. Indirectly anyways.

And lastly, seriously. Tumblr is where Cancel/Purity culture goes to die. Lots of people come here specifically to avoid it. We block here, and then dont do anything else after it. Please keep this culture on other websites.

All I am asking at this point is to get Ell out of your head. Stop messaging people about them. Stop making them and all of us worry our heads off thinking about what you might do to them or one of their friends next. The sooner we can all let this go and start ignoring it, the better for us all involved here.

"You guys are just upset because I made that callout post, which is not a bad thing to make" No, we are just upset about what caused and led up to it to begin with, and the stress it is causing us all. Your own stress included. In the best words I can put it, we are just disappointed.

Ell has done nothing to harm you outside calmly telling you their stance. Which, it was either that or they just kept keeping it in for you. "But Ell vague posted" the posts Ell made were in response to a multitude of situations, you were included in the list of situations sure but there we many factors. And, again. We do not spread shit about you. We have no plans to "Call you out", or get you kicked from servers/communities, or message all your friends telling you about how horrible you are. And we have done nothing of the sorts behind your back. We, and myself highly included, just ask the same from you.

Thanks. I really do hope we can move past this. Because none of us, yourself included, can if you keep posting like this.

unicornsys response: I will do my best to also respond to this as civil as possible, but I might get my tone messed up so I apologize for that. I will try to respond to each point you made with my side of the story. I can't really respond to the first one other than I do not accept any of your apologies, what each of you (you, sad-leon, and tea) did was incredibly fucking disgusting and I don't think I ever will forgive you, so don't expect a different answer.

2. Even if they didn't know about our dni, as I said in my final statement, they should have stated from the beginning that they were a defender of proshippers. But they didn't - that was the main problem I had. Even then, I drew fanart for them, and they sometimes reblogged it; that means that not once did they reblog our fanart and they didn't think to read our DNI???

3. I'm not very deep in the rise fandom on tumblr - even then, I don't see a lot of active accounts saying they're neutrals and still having a massive following. My issue was not with Ell as a whole, I'm not petty towards them, i don't hate them as a person, my problem was that someone who defends such problematic and harmful content can still be supported by their fans - literally anyone can get away with anything if you have a big enough following. And also, I think you seem to forget that we're a small account with less than 200 followers - 129 to be exact. China didn't hear the post. Not even Canada did. Hell, not even the town next to mine heard a whisper. The only people who saw this were all of the empty accounts harassing us and Lin, as well as whatever friends I had sent this to asking for advice.

4. I was co-owner/helper of the OC Comp, and Ell's round had already ended by the point they were removed. Both the owner and I were not comfortable with neutrals, so I informed them. I'm not going around to random servers, telling the owners that Ell is a proship neutral and that they need to ban them. It was only one server, that they weren't active in, and in a place that did not support neutrals. However, if there are other neutrals there, please inform me so I can pass the message to the owner. We can't read minds - I only knew about Ell and one other person I will not name, who was also kicked.

5. I can assure you that this anon you talk about wasn't us. It's a bit uncomfortable knowing that I'm immediately being blamed for this despite me having said this entire time "don't harass Ell or their friends", but I can kind of understand your point of view. If any of you guys are being harassed, I will most likely delete the callouts then because I don't want anyone in any distress.

6. "People I have hurt" - geminiforest draws nsfw of the future turtles, who were on screen for 5 minutes, defended someone who did the same, and they refereed to me, an asexual, as "kinkshaming at best and purity culture at worst". I was uncomfortable with them so I blocked them, which is something they encouraged me to do. I found out that Star had interacted with Ell's original post, and after being encouraged by one of my partners to respectfully inform them that it was a post in defense of proshipping (I had assumed that they just hadn't seen the tags), they snapped at me and I believe we blocked each other. Both cases were me doing what you're criticizing me of - cutting people off and blocking them when they make me uncomfortable. You still somehow think I'm harassing Ell, which, if I was, why would I have my DNI being against myself? I already explained why I added the 2al AU tags, and it was to hope that someone would see it, because again, I am a small blog with little to no interactions, though the intention was not to get enough views on it to harass Ell or any of you. And, once again, you and the rest of Ell's friends were harassing us for several days until I called you out on your hypocrisy and you all stopped. I still think it's heavily strange that, as a group, you all came in with mostly or completely empty accounts, mostly because you didn't want to damage your reputation/wanted to remain semi anonymous because I don't have anon asks on.

7. There's not really any kind of response I can make to this other than a few months ago a Rise artist literally got harassed by people because of false allegations of drawing nsfw of the turtles so. your "cancel culture-free" tumblr doesn't exist.

Again, I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING to Ell or their friends. Please don't accuse me of that when this entire time I've been worried about them getting harassed over this post. I don't care about your disappointment. I've stated this entire time that I didn't want any of you hurt by the post. I quite literally stated in the tags that it was more of a rant than a callout, due to the fact I was ranting over how alright everyone was with defending proshipping. But if any of you are being harassed, just let me know. Send me an ask with a screenshot if you want, I don't care. I'd prefer this to be confirmed if possible but I am stating again that I don't endorse anyone harassing you guys by any means, and if I find out who they are, I will block them.

But, Lin also wanted to make his own response for me to attach here, so here it is;

leo-kinnie response: Imma be real and say I don’t like it that you congratulated/thanked me for being vague. I’m 100% honest when I say that the reason I was vague was because, had I said anything specific on my account, YOU ALL would be in the situation Woomy was in — extreme + useless dogpiling. I chose not to do that bc of morals and I knew for a fact Woomy would not appreciate me doing that on their behalf — because Woomy doesn’t support harassment, even from well-meaning friends.

How you and the others acted was appalling. Genuinely shameful for you to say “This is tumblr. We block here, and don’t do anything else after that.” after a handful of individuals jumped down an account’s throat for posting something you disagreed with/felt was unnecessary to begin with. It was holier than thou without the holier 😭

I know Woomy can speak for themselves, I’m very proud of Woomy for handling this as best as they could given the amount of backtracking / hypocrisy they’ve had to deal with from the other people involved, but I just find it absurd for you all to assume that Woomy was behind anonymous messages without proof and take that as the go-ahead to harass them. I mean seriously what the fuck. 

Your whole ask was just another attempt to over-dramatize a situation that’s NOT as wounding to Ell’s reputation as you keep insisting it is. 

Ell is openly neutral 

Nobody interacted with Woomy’s og post except when you guys decided to bombard them.

The post Still has MINIMAL interaction. It is Literally just you guys, woomy reblogging it to add clarification, my 1 reply, 1 hidden like, and 1 public like (which wasn’t there before i replied to you).

Honestly what seems more harassing: A big accounts friend group blowing up a (129 follower) account’s asks and replies or a post that was gaining zero traction, zero interest, and— from your words— seemed like a “vent post”?

IMO it’s the first one. 

I dont know Ell, I dont know any of yall, but I have such a poor opinion of your friend group from witnessing this go down. I have an even poorer opinion now after your ask. Like what do you gain from this? You can clearly see that Woomy is abandoning the account, its in big ol letters on their blogs title. You guys will not see them anymore. Congrats. U did it. 

Now you can block and move on. It’s tumblr, right? Thats what we do here.

[problem-causer]

Grimsby Grove 'Predator' - What We Know

On November 5th 2023, the Grimsby Grove/ Staves Rest Drama askblog had replied to an ask alleging there was/is a predator in the group threatening the safety of minors.

Since then, any talk about the allegations, predator, and victim in question has been met with deflection and fear-mongering. The blog in question has been 'gathering evidence' from a victim who chooses to remain anonymous for fear of doxing. Regardless, no concrete proof has been provided as to who the predator is, their actions, or how to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law.

Previously, allegations of another user by the name Chip2Changeling had come out in February 2022 with their involvement in the proship community previously as well as a toxic relationship. This account will not debate the validity of proship nor its implications. There are other platforms for this discussion.

The community was alerted to this member being banned in a single announcement.

It was simple and clear to the point. Any predatory action would not be tolerated within this group. Grimsby Grove and its staff have never publically strayed from this stance. However, it should be noted that the user in question was given a chance to refute these allegations in a private ticket.

Instead of addressing the allegations or coming to an agreement with mod staff, Chip has maintained their innocence and that any previous actions in their past were no longer their current views. This was also the last post under the account.

Fast forward back to 2023, new allegations are made and no action has been taken by mods. Normally, this would raise concerns. However, without any names, screenshots, or information beyond the accusation, this leaves everything to hearsay. The only 3 parties who know the full story are the victim in question, the alleged predator, and the blog owner.

The fear of doxing, while understandable, makes the case far more complicated. However, there are trusted adults within not only the group itself; but also outside in the wider Internet. (This blog owner recommends twitter user @/liomanbad. As long as you are honest and forthcoming with evidence, he will lead you in the direction of law enforcement, if not do it himself)

The drama blog owner and victim has claimed that the moderation team has not taken any action against any of the accusations. However, it has been told repeatedly by the mod team that no such event has occurred and that they want the victim to come forth with evidence to drive the alleged predator out of the community

Alternatively the (alledged) victim has posted on anon that they are afraid and are struggling with health issues. Yet over a month later (as of writing 12/29/2023) no further discussion has been brought forward

With the blog owner endorsing the claims but also not coming out with the proof because they are still collecting it

With this ask being the final mention of the topic. The only other instance of predators being within the group was when the staff signup sheet was leaked with two rows dedicated to claiming a 'Preditorinyourstaff'

A link to the spreadsheet will not be provided for security reasons.

Furthermore, GrimsbyGrove Staff has invited and encouraged any members that feel unhappy about the group to leave.

In closing, this post and any future posts are to address allegations within the group Grimsby Grove. However, I am willing to break the story on any mishandling of any group or other false allegations.

To the mods of GG, I hope for the sake of your health, you take it easy in the new year. There is always room for improvement but in situations like these, it is draining. Please rest up and let us have a happy new year

To the owner of the drama blog and victim. Come forward with your story. If you have truly been victim to crimes against you as a minor, then tell the adults so that we can handle it. Not just the community leaders, but your parents as well. And The Police. Reporting the predator to the police will help prevent others from being victimized. If your local precinct doesn't help you, move to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children's CyberTipline. Their number is 24/7 and they can walk you through getting the evidence you need.

To the alleged predator. You are innocent until proven guilty. If you know you are innocent then come forward with your side. Help us help you. If we can save someone from defamation and life-ruining claims, then we should.

Finally to the blog anons. Very few of you have raised good points in the past. However, the overwhelming majority are toxic gutter trash. Leave. Leave the server, leave the community. You are not welcome, you are not wanted here. If the group is so unfun for you then walk out of the server. We are here for a silly art game. Not for your kiwifarms-esc drama posting. If you have that much of an issue with the group, go complain on KF or lolcow. At least then you don't have to hide behind anon to make your dogshit takes.

One last post-mortem. In the screenshots provided, certain names have been censored. This is due to the members in question still being active and had only participated in the conversation. DO NOT HARASS ANYBODY. Censored name or not, it is shitty of you to threaten anyone on the internet.

EDIT 1/13/24:

The victim in question has backed out of the allegations and will not be presenting a doc on the incident. We still encourage you to tell your story if there truly was a crime that happened. Nobody wants a predator in their community. The mod team and we as members want to see justice for you if you were truly victimized.

Otherwise, all we have is hearsay. And with flimsy accusations, all we can assume that it was a lie.

[veys-mood-of-mentalbreakdown]

Aaaaalright i feel like this would probably be perfect for r/amitheasshole but i couldnt be bothered to put it on reddit. But I’ll formulate it like i would if i posted it there (EDIT: tried to post it to r/AITA but it wouldnt let me cuz its over 3000 characters)

Am i the asshole for wanting to tell a birthday party guest to not come anymore

This weekend March 11th 2023 the body will be 19 years old, to celebrate this we’re having our first actual birthday party with friends. We’ve invited 5 friends and all of them are coming some of them also sleep over as they come from far. Including the person id love to tell that they arent welcome anymore, we’ll call this person K.

As i said before this is the first time we ever thrown a party, so we are understandably stressed to get everything perfect. We don’t ask for help of the guest because we want to get it all ready ourselves (which as of now we have succeeded in and almost have everything ready).

K from day one started complaining about everything and anything. First it was about alcohol. About if we had vodka, and if we had different vodka than a certain brand because they only like that kind of stuff. Then it was about food, constantly making a problem about the snacks ans foods we were getting, i would share screenshots but i cant for privacy reasons so i’ll put it down as a list

- will there be enough food?

Yes there will be enough food

- will it be cold or warm, we only like to have warm food for dinner

We will make sure there will be cold and warm foods and foods you can eat both cold and warm

- yea but will there be enough

Yes there will be enough

- snacks dont sound like food to me

We call it snacks because we’re going to get tapas like dishes, meaning many different kinds of food

- will there be enough??

Yes K there will be enough

- i just dont have a right feeling about this

About what? The party or the food?

- the food at the party, i have a bad gut feeling about this

She then also started getting upset about the people we invited to our birthday party and the fact some of them are system’s like us (she is fully aware we are a system) saying that she thinks it’s going to be too much to handle, which i can get, i just don’t understand why she didnt tell us up front and said she wasnt going to come instead of getting angry at us for it.

She then said it would be a rollercoaster of emotions for her, and wanted to have a moment where she could just talk to our host privately about her emotional baggage at our host’s birthday party, and ofcourse like the good friend our host is, he agreed to play therapist because he’s afraid she’ll leave and bitch about him to others.

We made a playlist for music for the party, inviting everyone that will come to add music so theres a bit of everyone’s music tastes, we asked if everyone could add party vibe music and asked to not add music sorts that are triggering to us or others coming to the party (we specified what triggers us and asked everyone to specify if they have any music that can be negatively triggering)

Full knowing this, K asked us if she can add Reggae and added a few too, knowing full well that this is one of the things that is highly triggering to our host as one of the big ab*sers in our life only ever listened to that stuff, they got upset when we told them rather not and then our host said “okay but not too many, 1 or 2” to satisfy her, knowing it would most likely cause flashbacks of some sort. She then said “you know what its your party” and deleted it from thw playlist under the condition that she gets to have moments at the party where she can listen to her own music, which fine by us ig.

She then said she wasnt sure if she was going to come after all because of all the things she spoke about before that made her feel uncomfortable and feel it might be too much for her weren’t fixed. So we said alright.

Then she said she knew it would be too much for her and said she was going to come later.

I really want to tell her in a polite manner that she needs to fuck off and isnt welcome anymore at the party, she single handedly made the pressure and stress so high and blames us for it when we told her we were handling it and it was stressing us out.

After which she also said “im sorry, i feel like im too much in our business”

So are we (am i personally) the asshole for wanting to tell her she no longer is welcome?

[miwauko]

@/moonjellifish i think you're forgetting to add the part where you took my words out of context and opened up a space where ppl can be openly racist towards me + send INCREDIBLY racist asks and death threats as well. random people on here that i didn't even know existed were saying the nastiest things about me because you kept twisting my words and making it seem like i came at you for no reason. lets also talk ab how you accused me of "stealing" from you (but when i said that ab u im the bad guy and i got shut down?) and accused my friends and i of making fake accs to ruin your blog and friendships? unlike you im in college, i teach a ballet class, and i have a fucking life in general you bum. i have better things to do than harass someone on the internet.

you demonized me as a black woman for MONTHS. not only that, but you said some very ignorant things towards the black community such as calling us "blacks" and said im using my race as a weapon when you literally offended my race many times and even in my own comments. don't ever speak on the black community or any other community ever again. don't ever speak on ME again. all i wanted you to do is stop finding my personals and private accounts that i dont even give out and leave me alone. instead you twisted my narrative when i don't even fucking know you. i did not "steal ur user" its ai yazawa's NAME and i swapped two letters just like i did in previous users of mine. how am i supposed to know an older user was yours? you were just finding any reason possible to come at me aggressively while painting me out to be the aggressive one.

i've found out so many nasty things you've said abt me and how racist you are over these past few months. i don't know why you're even acting like you care now because you don't. if you did you would've changed your behavior months ago but like i said, you came up with a bunch of excuses to save yourself and demonize me for no reason. you're only apologizing cos you got called out (again) for offending the black and asian community. please stop making up lies about me and others because if i find something out i have no issue posting about this on another platform i have and letting people come at you JUST how you had people come at me. maybe then you'll actually develop some common sense and stop being a terrible person.

by the way, your apology isn't sincere because you didn't write it yourself and you've been shit talking me and other ppl for months. you'll most likely see this sooner or later and make a very passive aggressive post yet again to make it seem like im coming at you for no reason. you aren't sorry at all, you truly dont give a fuck.

[jiraikwei]

pet peeve

sorry this post just turns into insane ranting garble i start sounding like im 12 , theres nothing of substance to read

this is something insanely stupid and even hypocritical of me to get annoyed at , but i absolutely cannot stand it when people online pretend like they're more mentally ill than they are . i hate when people put some sort of mental illness wordsalad in their bios like ' jirai ' , ' landmine girl ' , ' menhera ' i hate when people obviously try to act like ame / kangel after playing NSO or some other fictional character when they were absolutely nothing like them before . they practically brag about being mentally ill and then only showcase the same 5 symptoms that are insanely fetishized and none of the 100 others that aren't as ' cute ' . it makes me lose my mind . it feels like such a disgusting mockery it makes me want to rip my skin open . i cant stand even imagining anyone could see these shitty obvious yandere larp posts and put op on the same level as someone whos actually struggling . just this unbridled rage festers inside of me you dont know what its like stop fucking quoting anime characters so you can achieve some aesthetic go fuck yourself

i hate it because i hate myself and i hate the things i do , witnessing someone grift on the KAWAII DESU symptoms while im on a private twitter account typing the most disgusting unforgivable things i can possibly conjure up about the people i love because of how angry i feel over something so idiotically , stupidly minuscule like an actual fucking child . i cant make a single friend in my life because im genuinely so terrified of people and their intentions with me that when i somehow make a friend i genuinely think that they're only playing some long con because they want to ruin my life . im so lonely but i legitimately cannot handle having friends because they can say ANYTHING and my mind will twist it to some insane act of pure hatred against me and then my hands are shaking and i cant focus on anything for the next few hours and i cant stop crying and cutting myself and im planning extensively how to tell them i cant be friends with them because i just cant take it anymore and oh nevermind suddenly im fine again . but at the same time if someones too nice all the time my fucking brain will start losing interest in them because apparently i NEED them to pull away from me and be a fucking asshole to me because im some sort of insane emotional masochist !!! i cant speak my mind with anyone even if they're obviously in the wrong and being mean to me when ive done nothing because i just know they're going to leave if i reciprocate with any sort of pushback so i just ghost them instead which makes the situation even more complicated or i have some sort of tantrum where i accuse them of the most schizotypal shit instead of actually discussing it like a normal person . its actually indescribable how embarassing it is to retain that " my parents didnt buy me candy so they hate me " mindset from when i was 8 years old all the way until 15 . and everything with me has to be some sort of extreme . i cant even like something normally i have to be obsessed with it to an emotionally deteriorating degree . i cant feel somewhat bad about something it had to feel like my world is ending and that ill never be happy again . why am i fucking feeling like this because of the sub count of a VTUBER . and then all of life is just a cycle of yearning for shit and feeling bad for myself " why cant i do this why cant i be better at this you can either be bad or a prodigy and im not a prodigy and i dont care if im 15 i need to be better than 28 year olds at this or else im a total fucking failure " and i fucking bet you if i would ever reach that prodigy status i would feel absolutely nothing about it and my brain would latch unto the next thing to feel bad about " ok well im not good at * that * i need to be good at * that * it doesnt matter if im good at * this * anyone can be good at * this * i need to be good as * that * as well " . it is legitimately either all or nothing with me and i cant stand either of those options . i hate feeling empty and i hate being obsessed with someone to the point of emotional spiraling 5 times a day but there can never be an inbetween option . im intensely angry about everything

and the most insanely retarded part about all of this , is that given the choice i wouldnt want to get better . this is all that i am . i am nothing without this disorder . if i dont have this disorder nobody will care about me or be gentle with me anymore . i will forever mentally be a child that only wants someone to take care of them and if i dont have this disorder there will be nothing to take care of . nobody will care . but heres the kicker ; nobody cares already . strangers are gentle with me because i have a sad look in my eyes but thats all there is . i just cant bring myself to actually talk about what i go through . all anyone sees is that im energetic and then suddenly sad within an single second interval or that i just stare ahead at shit like a zoo animal or that i cut myself sometimes . i cant even fully bring up and elaborate on extremely heavy topics that i go through on twitter or on this blog because it feels so wrong to imagine someone connecting something as dark as that with * me * . i want attention but i dont talk about shit . i dont want to talk about shit . i already utterly despise seeing the look people get in their faces when they somehow catch a glimpse at my sh scars or for gods sake fucking mentions it to me " dont do that to yourself " please dont worry about me and make me feel like a horrible burden when im trying my hardest to seem okay so i can be an enjoyable person to be around . having a person worried about someone as disgustingly rotted , parasitic and inhuman as me is the worst thing to inflect on someone , its like feeling bad for a dying cockroach . i mean just read the first part of this ramble to see how shitty of a person i am where i exaggerate my symptoms to make myself look like i suffer more than other people and put down anyone who dares to express their symptoms differently

its over for me

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

is there a story behind meeting new Mr oatmilk that you want to share w the class?<3 (ps he sounds like a well deserved upgrade)

sure!! so btw he took the photos of me at the cemetery/my current pfp!!

him and i have actually known each other for probably like 6 years or so. when we first met, he was married and we didnt really talk we just had a lot of mutual friends bc we like the same music and go to a lot of the same shows and we would just see each other in passing. he ended up telling me he was intrigued by me bc i had done a photoshoot and my pfp when we met was me holding a butcher knife in a wednesday addams outfit, and he said he knew i had to be an interesting person from that alone. he is quite shy though. we would also see each other places but never really said more than hi to one another. he got divorced in 2020, we talked a little then, but not really. then he dated his now most current ex, more or less bc she basically cornered him into a relationship while he was just getting over his divorce and homegirl needed a place to stay. hes told me he regrets it and said he literally should have kept trying with me bc being shy with me would have been a hell of a lot better than how things worked out for the 2.5 years of abuse she put him through. (his words)

last year we started talking a lot bc he was posting a lot of concerning stuff to his insta private story and so i kind of talked him thru his abusive relationship he was currently in and he mentioned he really needed a close friend. we ended up becoming gym partners for a bit before both our now exs went batshit over it and our friendship as a whole. and we stopped talking for a bit...and then we would talk a little here and there. and we both mutually agreed we were both in shit relationships.

around may, he texted me and told me him and his ex finally broke it off after months of him trying (long story) but he still wanted to at least be my friend again bc he missed me a lot. and i told him i was also dealing with more or less trying to leave my fiance. this is actually around the time i found the flashdrive full of nudes from other women ex mr oatmilk was keeping from me. and i finally left mr oatmilk after he tried to go thru my phone while i was in the shower, which prompted an argument about why it didnt matter who i was friends with bc he couldnt stop entertaining other women and i even pulled out the flashdrive and was like yeah im done.

so me and new mr oatmilk started hanging out more. he would go on walks with me after work. or we would go back to being gym buddies. or we would grab dinner. go to a bookstore. i helped him pick out stuff for his new apartment.

i asked him if he wanted to go see the cure with me at the end of last month and he surprised me by paying for a 2 night hotel stay for us instead of us just driving 2 hrs. and thats also when we went to the cemetery to walk around bc he knew id like it. thats pretty much when we decided we were actually an item.

i helped him move into a new apartment last weekend. and tonight im surprising him with making him dinner. ive pretty much stayed over since he moved in, which is funny bc he got a smaller bed than he would normally get bc he originally told me he didnt wanna feel lonely since it's just him...but he has only spent like one night alone since living there lol.

whats really fucked up tho is his ex is always trying to instigate with me...from doxing me in a bar bathroom, to literally driving by his new place to see if i am there. and shes friends with my ex now too. she's harassed me via text and social media, too. but it's fine, i dont usually engage. which pisses her off.

him and i are happy 🥰 hes honestly lovely.

[linktoo-doodles]

Idk, while the final season left a lot fans feeling dissapointed, i dont think thats all there is to it. More that it was divisive, and a finale always leads to high emotions in general, which made in-depth discussions generally unpleasant from either opinion. As most of the fandom are mature people, instead of getting into fights with strangers about it, i suspect most discussions moved into smaller friend groups and discords instead of public forums, which is why there's not a lot to find today

Sounds about right!! Thanks very much. I guess it's still scary that there isn't much public discussion that people can go to about it the same way. Even if it was moved to private discussion, it just leaves the community feel just suddenly cut short in a way I don't like. I mean it's the final season! it's done!! I want to hear the loveletters and retrospective thoughts from the community! TMA played out entirely for 5 whole seasons and many many years and there's so much to talk about and appreciate for every single thing part. and the fact I had to dig so hard for at least some sort of reception to the S5 Q&A reception is, at the very least, frustrating.

I'll manage, but enjoy the pure terror in my tumblr posts I was going through earlier when I was desperately searching for something cohesive to read through

[saveraedae]

why dont u draw yfm anymore? i saw you used to draw it a lot what happened?

Ok I never answer "Why don't you draw _ anymore?" questions because it just feels like a deja vu of my FNAF days...

But I'll answer just this one because some people probably want to know this one specifically considering one day I just kind of up and abandoned that fandom.

I don't entirely feel welcome there, I made some really stupid drawing as a parody/joke that I posted privately/untagged and people took it seriously and are using that to judge my entire person(??) Like yeah idc if they joke about it and meme on it because it was meant to be a joke anyhow because if someone drew what the art was about with that fandom and was serious then I'm gonna judge them. And like I posted it privately and untagged right??? Creepy imo how they found it. I'm 99% sure I know who 'leaked' (BAD PUN LOL) it, and I have NOTHING against them at all, but like- pls bro it's just a joke i hope you know that. I kinda get annoyed when I see it now because I stopped finding it that funny a while ago but if they still want to joke about it, like i said, i don't care. It was meant to make people laugh anyway.

ALSO before any of you ask NO it is not anything illegal, problematic, offensive, or taboo, in fact it's one of the stupidest things people can get mad about. From what I've seen it's just immature children being assholes to someone who made something they don't like. Like get to know me before you make an assumption about me as a person, seriously.

I can't really entirely leave that community though because of the whole YFM VEVO shit so nah my name is kinda immortalized within the community forever. I probably will never make any more fan art or animations of it. I do still like the characters and listen to some of the songs sometimes but I stopped supporting Ray recently because of his copyright abuse so there's really no point to go back. Like I'm still there but way far on the sidelines just observing. A lurker instead of a content creator if you will. I would be lying if I said that every time I see a YFM fan nowadays I can't shake the lingering thought in the back of my mind that they secretly hate me. :P

And either way, when I join fandoms (aside from MLP since that place has always been my home so to speak) it's usually always a obsessive phase I get into for a couple months that distracts me from working on TMS, which is always my main priority anyhow. I try not to be in fandoms now and just enjoy the media myself.

TLDR - Society.

[golbrocklovely]

I agree with you an the anons, I personally like Sam and Colbys content but friend-wise i would be the friend you’d see in the background of their posts, perhaps next to them, but wouldn’t know anything about because my accounts are private and i don’t feel the need to post every single thing.

That is why its so confusing to me how they keep finding the same people, who start off chill then get so fame or attention hungry that instead of posting their own stuff, they HAVE TO let it be known they’re around them and even posts stuff, personal stuff, stuff they probably did not approve of just to get clout. Brennen did it, Shea, Kevin, and now her (im sure theres others).

Its the reason why i like Nate and Alex because aside from the tiniest of things, you dont know anything about them, nor do you know when they’re meeting up with the boys. Even Amber who has a massive platform, doesnt post every single time shes with Colby. If she does hes very much present and aware of it being posted and sometimes you’ll know shes there because he or Brennen posted her. Why cant these people just relax and act normal. They are literally the reason people like them and celebs have trust issues.

same. i just wish snc would get some better friends, or at least really look into their friends before letting them get close or benefit from them.

but at the same time, that's so much work and no person deserves to have to do that. which i think is why this type of stuff happens. i think for as much as snc don't trust ppl, i think they actually do trust a lot more than they let on. which causes not great ppl to become close to them. and this isn't about just one person.

and i guess a lot of the ppl that do use them just kinda see them as a meal ticket, or the next stepping stone in their career. it's gross that it's like that.

but i will say i think snc know when ppl are using them. that's why certain ppl end up fading into the background and disappearing. bc snc most likely told them "we know what you're doing and it's time to leave".